Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver, Ryan Gaul (Wet Day Special 2022)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver, Ryan Gaul (Wet Day Special 2022)
Release Date: April 10, 2025

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Introduction to Wet Day Special

In this Wet Day Special, host Scott Aukerman revisits one of Comedy Bang Bang's foundational episodes, originally recorded on April 10, 2022. Wet Day, an annual comedic holiday celebrated by the show’s community, emphasizes all things wet, serving as a recurring theme for humorous antics and absurd celebrations.

Scott Aukerman [01:06]:
"Happy Wet Day to all. And to all a wet night."

Returning Guests and New Characters

Paul F. Tompkins, a beloved recurring guest, returns alongside Drew Tarver and Ryan Gaul, portraying the eccentric characters Ike and Spike Mink Salmon and Doug Gropes, respectively. Their interactions set the stage for the episode's whimsical and surreal humor.

Paul F. Tompkins [00:35]:
"From Piece of Work Entertainment and Campside Media comes Big Time, an Apple Original Podcast. Each episode follows the story of one misfit with big dreams..."

The Wet Day Tradition

The hosts delve into the origins and customs of Wet Day, a tradition humorously maintained by Paul and Scott. They discuss the elaborate decorations and rituals that define the day, often leading to playful confusion and forgetfulness about the holiday's purpose.

Paul F. Tompkins [05:10]:
"So of course I start decorating the house on St. Patrick's Day. Oh, everyone else has their shamrock."

Scott Aukerman [06:01]:
"We are the architects of the Wet Day season."

As the conversation unfolds, Scott humorously admits to forgetting the specifics of Wet Day, relying on the dedicated fans to keep the tradition alive.

Scott Aukerman [06:08]:
"Why did we start talking about Wet day?"

Interactions with the "Grandfathers"

The episode introduces two fictional grandfathers, Spike Mink Salmon and Mike Mink Salmon, portrayed by Steve Buscemi and Shimmy, respectively. Their over-the-top protective nature over their granddaughters adds a layer of absurdity and dark humor to the episode.

Spike Mink Salmon [40:49]:
"If anything happens to my granddaughter, I'm gonna visit you, and you're not gonna be happy about it."

Mike Mink Salmon [41:00]:
"Don't look at our grandkid. Okay."

The grandfathers engage in exaggerated threats and humorous dialogue, emphasizing their fictional authority and the comedic tension they bring to the show.

The Financial Advisor Segment with Doug Gropes

Introducing Doug Gropes, a comedic financial advisor, Scott attempts to share unconventional financial advice related to stimulus checks. Doug's nonsensical strategies, such as "financial fasting" and demanding refunds for every purchase, parody typical financial advice segments with a surreal twist.

Doug Gropes [78:34]:
"I've come up with a multi layer system on how to spend your stimulus check."

Doug Gropes [80:08]:
"The solution is to sign up... You can go to my website."

Scott's attempts to navigate Doug's baffling advice lead to a series of humorous exchanges, highlighting the show's penchant for blending absurdity with satire.

Scott Aukerman [81:33]:
"Do you have to give it back?"

Doug Gropes [82:02]:
"The solution is to sign up. I mean, I'm not going to give you the full solution right here, but you can go to my website."

Humorous Antics and Absurd Dialogues

Throughout the episode, Scott, Paul, and the grandfathers engage in a series of back-and-forth dialogues filled with puns, wordplay, and exaggerated scenarios. Topics range from the physics of walking on stilts to the intricacies of Dairy Queen franchises turned gravy shops, all delivered with rapid-fire humor and comedic timing.

Paul F. Tompkins [18:04]:
"It's gonna be a Chicago overcoat."

Steve Buscemi [45:18]:
"Don't go near my granddaughter."

Doug Gropes [86:22]:
"I come out of my mother as somebody was asking, are you a US Citizen?"

Concluding Remarks and Wrap-Up

As Wet Day draws to a close, the episode culminates in playful chaos with the grandfathers reiterating their protective stance over their granddaughters and Scott attempting to bring order. The episode ends with a mix of final jokes, mock advertisements, and the promise of more absurd content in future Wet Day celebrations.

Scott Aukerman [96:42]:
"You have to pay a few of them."

Steve Buscemi [99:05]:
"Sounds like $2,000."

Doug Gropes [84:04]:
"Get refunds on everything you've spent on."

Notable Quotes

• Scott Aukerman [06:01]:
  "We are the architects of the Wet Day season."

• Spike Mink Salmon [40:49]:
  "If anything happens to my granddaughter, I'm gonna visit you, and you're not gonna be happy about it."

• Doug Gropes [78:34]:
  "I've come up with a multi layer system on how to spend your stimulus check."

• Steve Buscemi [45:18]:
  "Don't go near my granddaughter."

Episode Highlights

• Wet Day Traditions: Exploration of the humorous foundations of Wet Day and its annual celebration.
• Fictional Grandfathers: Introduction of overprotective grandfather characters adding dark humor.
• Financial Satire: Doug Gropes’ absurd financial advice parodies typical self-help segments.
• Rapid-Fire Humor: Continuous back-and-forth dialogues filled with puns and wordplay.
• Absurd Scenarios: From gravy-filled Dairy Queens to walking on stilts without touching soil, the episode thrives on surreal humor.

Conclusion

This Wet Day Special epitomizes Comedy Bang Bang's unique blend of improvisational comedy, surreal humor, and engaging guest interactions. By revisiting foundational characters and introducing new absurd elements, Scott Aukerman delivers an episode that is both nostalgic and refreshingly unpredictable, ensuring listeners are entertained with every twist and turn.

Whether you're a longtime fan or a newcomer, this episode offers a hilarious deep dive into the bizarre yet charming world of Comedy Bang Bang's Wet Day celebrations.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary discounts, states and situations.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, this is Steve Buscemi. You know the actor. Well, now I'm an actor and podcast host From Piece of Work Entertainment and Campside Media in association with Olive Productions comes Big Time, an Apple Original Podcast. Each episode follows the story of one misfit with big dreams who isn't afraid to bend a few rules or take a shortcut to get there. Well, who steals bees?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was duped.

[Steve Buscemi]

I shoot you in the leg.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is Big Time. Follow and listen on Apple Podcasts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus bangs being of course previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we are re releasing and Happy Actual Wet Day. We of course observed Wet Day on Monday of this week. But this is the actual Wet Day and to celebrate this incredible holiday, which I of course don't have to describe to you because you already know what it is, we are re releasing our very first Wet day episode from April 10, 2022 originally episode number 752. This is entitled Wet Day Special. Now this episode features Paul F. Tompkins and Drew Tarver as Ike and Spike Mink Salmon and Ryan Gaul as Doug Gropes. It's a great episode. It helped start and kick off this Wet Day tradition that now celebrate every single year. If you haven't heard Monday's episode, this trio returned and it's very. That's also a very funny episode. So Happy Wet Day to all. And to all a wet night. And if you enjoy this and you want more, you can go to cbbworld.com become a subscriber. You can hear every single episode we've ever done as well as all of the live episodes ad free. As well as all of our other shows like Neighborhood Listen and hey Randy. Just to name but a few Scott hasn't seen. I hope you enjoy this and I hope you're spending today nice and wet. Many Urkels to you. Whether you fry it, bake it or broil it, Big boy shits are meant for the toilet. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh really? So Soon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Something just came up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I hope my good friend Shimmy is around. Is he here? He's still here. Do you need a guest for the A block? I certainly do, Shimmy. What's up? Hey, Scott. What haven't I asked you in previous appearances? I don't know my last name. Okay, what's your last name, Shimmy? Lincoln. Jimmy Lincoln? Yep. Related to old Honest Abe. Who? Abraham Lincoln. How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln? What? I don't get this reference. Okay, well, have you ever seen a play? Let's start there. I saw Angels in America. All three hours or all six hours? All six hours. Really? As well, I paid extra so I could eat dinner on the stage during Angels in America. Yeah, well, I gotta go. Okay, Shimmy, bye.

[Steve Buscemi]

All right, I came back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thank God, Paul's back. Welcome to comedy as to who I am. Thank you, by the way, to Call Waiting for Godot for that wonderful catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. And this is a very special episode. I'll talk to you about it in a second. Coming up a little later. We have two grandfathers and we also have a financial advisor, so that's very exciting. But you know our first guest, Stan, you know why he is here. If you are a fan of Comedy Bang Bang, it is the most wonderful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Time of year in my opinion. And maybe you'll agree.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know if I agree yet. But after we hash this out, after we chop it up, we'll be visited.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By three damp ghosts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know why we're here. I mean, obviously this, this episode is coming out the day after we're recording it. But we are recording it on April 10th.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so you know why I needed to have this gentleman on the show. He is a comedian, he is an improviser, he's an actor, he's a writer. But most importantly, he's the co creator of wet day 10th. Please welcome back to the show Paul F. Tompkins. Happy Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I love it. Now, Paul, I, Scott, you know I'm a Wet Day nut.

[Scott Aukerman]

You certainly are. I mean you, you co created it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So of course I start decorating the house on St. Patrick's Day. Oh, everyone else has their shamrock.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you do? Hose it down?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I, I, I hose down my house every day through April 10th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you like open the windows and just put the garden hose in and just start.

[Steve Buscemi]

Put the garden hose in. You take the garden hose out.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are the electronics working these days?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, they're Not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, total.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have to buy all new stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. But that gives you an excuse to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wet day shopping.

[Scott Aukerman]

Post Wet Day shopping.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Say what day? Boxing Day. Wet Boxing Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, as the co creator of A Wet Day and by the way, I should say my name is Scott Aukerman and I am the other co creator. Is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We are the architects of the Wet Day season.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now do you remember what Wet day is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, but I know that it involves being wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did we start talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't remember. And I specifically texted you before we started recording and said do you remember what Wet Day is all about or any details at all?

[Scott Aukerman]

I remember. Did not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You left me on read.

[Scott Aukerman]

All I remember is us putting out a plaintive cry to the listeners to please remind us when Wet Day is coming. Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they have done their part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He gave them a date to start reminding us.

[Scott Aukerman]

They did it two months in advance before Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And here it is Wet Day itself. And we don't remember why we started talking about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happens in it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was in the haze of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Best of it was. By the way, I left the. The pool. We're in the backyard era of comedy. Bang Bang, of course. But I left the. The filter on in the pool to hear a little bubbling during Wet day. But I believe the timer just turned it off right now. So I'm going to try to turn it back on. So that's why I'm on my phone. I'm not ignoring you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It' because it sounds like you have a water feature.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, it does. Now I normally turned it off for the show. This is maybe getting a little inside baseball.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Baseball's not even as boring as this.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're a fan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of both.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now what? What could Wet day be? I mean, what. I mean, obviously the decorations. But what. How else should we celebrate other than doing this show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that maybe you take a longer shower than you normally do.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long are we talking? Because I. I like a good 30, 35 minutes by an hour.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then a five minute shower.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Masturbate that many times.

[Scott Aukerman]

35 times. You can't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wouldn't it be great if it took one minute every time?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, such a. Oh my. I would not have to clear my schedule for the entire day anymore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Guaranteed. Like from.

[Scott Aukerman]

From who's guaranteeing by God, like you'll get into heaven if you don't masturbate within one minute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the God Prom.

[Scott Aukerman]

God. It took 75 seconds. Start fixing my halo.

[Doug Grope]

If you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If it takes longer than a minute, you automatically get into heaven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Purgatory. You go straight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Cut. Cut the line. Pass everything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But then if it's. What if it's. What if it's less than a minute?

[Scott Aukerman]

You think God is trying to get it to the second He's God. Yeah, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If he can't do that, what's the point?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the whole point of him being God if he can't make us masturbate for exactly 60 second every time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can make it rain, but you can't do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And I'll be honest, I don't know that I want it to last less than 60 seconds. I don't want it to last more.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think 60 seconds is a nice amount of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a nice amount of time to enjoy it because you get enough like, oh, this feels good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then. But in 60 seconds, it's like, what am I doing here? 61 seconds. Like, come on, second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

61. This is mortifying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, what else could be wet? I mean, obviously, hopefully it's raining in your neck of the woods.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, maybe a tree.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe a tree is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why don't you put a tree. Put it. Maybe a tree is wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is wet. Yeah. I said what else is wet? You said maybe a tree there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why is Christmas is the only holiday with a tree? Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point. Let's start moving trees in and out of the house more often.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm saying it doesn't have to be in the house. Obviously. We don't want people to ruin their floors.

[Scott Aukerman]

Obviously.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And if you rent, you get in big trouble.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you can put a tree outside.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And then open the window and then bend it so it comes inside.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not where I was headed, but keep going.

[Scott Aukerman]

Almost like Charlie Brown's little tree that bends all the way over. Just like, do that. So it's like going over the sill. Over the sill. I'm imagining over the top right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, the primary thing, though, is that it must be wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

It has to be the wettest tree you can find. It doesn't have to be like, okay, look, some of you live in the desert. It's just got to be the wettest tree you can find. Not the wettest tree in existence.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on, guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you live on the bottom of the ocean, obviously you have an advantage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Good old Poseidon with all of his wet ass trees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Poseidon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man, I love him. Do you think he's the patron saint of wet day? Is he not?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Poseidon, the Greek God, is the patron saint of wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were you going to ask?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was going to ask, are the Greek gods still around?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's interesting because the Roman ones, they're out. Yeah, they've. They.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were like, we have confirmation on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they're done. They were like, around the time we named that planet Mars. They're like, yeah, that's not what this is about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You guys have ruined it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ruined it for all of us. And then they took off to another galaxy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why didn't baseball stop once people in the stand started showing up in uniforms? Like, if I were a baseball player.

[Scott Aukerman]

If I worked at Walmart and someone came in at a Walmart uniform with your name tag. Yeah, it's like, come on, buddy. But I mean, baseball, the door or through the window.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, to be a professional baseball player, you have to have an immense amount of talent and skill. And then a guy shows up wearing your jersey, he's like, who are you? Who the fuck do you think you are?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who the fuck do you think you are? Now, should baseball players then try to counteract that by dressing up like Frankenstein?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, this is. I didn't see this coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that it becomes a real pain in the ass for anyone to do it. Like, you gotta get the makeup and the bolts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, then it's. I think it's more of a pain in the ass for the players because they have to play baseball dressed as Frankenstein.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was in plays where I had to do shit like that. And you do hundreds of performances. You're used to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was gonna say, what if the players, they, like, scout the stands before the game and then they get, like. Get a good look at some of the people and then they go out and they. They make themselves look like people in the stands who are wearing their jerseys. And it's like a pad, like the jersey.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they play baseball looking like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, they don't. It is just. There's a.

[Steve Buscemi]

There's. It's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's built into the game. Where, look, we have all the flyovers and we have the national anthem. We have all this. Part of it is we. The players get to mock people in the stands. And it's vicious. It is cruel.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like those terrible caricatures, you know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It'S like the Chevy Chase Roast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where it's like the people are not. Like they're coming out of it on.

[Scott Aukerman]

The other Side with hurt feelings.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, exactly. And they admit.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love that they admit it. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then whoever. Like whoever your. Your local sports announcers are, and I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hope that you have some.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, can you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you imagine not having the local sports announcers?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't have them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine that? They have to farm it out to, like, the bigger cities. There's places like, there's gonna be one local sports announcer in every city in the United States.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they have to call games.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That they're not at.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. They have to listen. There's not gonna be a game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They listen on the radio and then they.

[Scott Aukerman]

They do their impression.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Paraphrase everything that is said.

[Scott Aukerman]

That basically like a psychic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm sensing. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They have to do it five minutes ahead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sensing it. Feel butt fly.

[Scott Aukerman]

But how many cities are in America? I know we've 10, 11. There's a few.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, 50 states. So it's got to be 50.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably two cities per state. 100.

[Scott Aukerman]

There you go. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's got to be Los Angeles, San Francisco. Done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Done. Las Vegas, Reno.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Done.

[Scott Aukerman]

911.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think we'll ever be on that show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Doubtful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it keeps going away and coming back. Every time comes back. I think maybe this is the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope. Nope. Good friend of Tom's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've seen people that.

[Scott Aukerman]

My wife has a huge part in that movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've watched people that were. That got into comedy after I moved here. Like, I watched them move to town, start their comedy career, and be on Reno. 911.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's suspect. What about the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's suspect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, it's totally sus. What do you think about the. What do you think about the big mouth of it all with those characters that are drawn by us? That is drawn like us, not drawn by us. That would be even worse if Nick were like, hey, you gotta draw these characters. And I'm not even gonna.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not gonna tell you why.

[Scott Aukerman]

To do the voices. Yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But the fact that obviously those guys weren't supposed to be us, but enough people said it was supposed to be Paul and Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was supposed to be David Caruso and Dennis Farina. Is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's all. That's a little insulting as well. That. That looks. They. Those two look so much like us that people thought it was us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is my skin that bad? I don't think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are you saying you are? Oh, Farina. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought they both had bad skin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Doug Grope]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

David Cruz has Beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he have beautiful skin? Oh, that's why he's always outside with those sunglasses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. That's why he's always outside.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of outside, if you want to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Keep your skin fresh, go outside.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of outside, though, water covers 77% of the Earth, wouldn't you say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

98.

[Scott Aukerman]

98.6. 98.7% of the Earth.

[Steve Buscemi]

0.6.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, 0.7 is unhealthy.

[Scott Aukerman]

102.7% of the Earth. Kiss FM water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The whole office going to grill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And sometimes water from the 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes a whole day will go by and I won't even give it up a thought.

[Steve Buscemi]

Oh, come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I won't even. I'll. I'll be like, what? What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? It is funny, though, that, like, when I brush my teeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I rinse my toothpaste out. I don't think that is water.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. It's just that it's. It's this thing that's coming from that metal thing.

[Doug Grope]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like you were not even processing it anymore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, I. I'm past the point where I would get in the shower and say, first, turn on the water.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like just second. It's, it's. It's like when you're driving home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't even have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Clocking every single turn you ever made.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't have the instructions up anym. They were starting to curl, like, like peel and curl.

[Scott Aukerman]

But at what point, what point are you aware of water? It should be on wet day, obviously.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. When you are covered by it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When you're in a pool, the whole.

[Steve Buscemi]

Time you're thinking, I'm in water, I'm in water.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the whole reason people have them.

[Doug Grope]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna. I. I wanna swim. I'm gonna move some of this water out of the way to get to the other side of the pool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. That's what swimming is, is like physically moving water out of your way.

[Steve Buscemi]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And now if you don't have a pool, obviously take a bath, you filthy animal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. If you don't have a bathtub, then God bless you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are the two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Unlike Christmas, which has a lot of. If you haven't got a. Oh, they.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go so far down the line.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you haven't got a pound. If you haven't got a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, they don't start with a pound.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't start with a pound.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These are urchins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine being an urchin getting a pound?

[Steve Buscemi]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They start with, oh, you'd be set for life. You'd retire.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'd be like, hey, I'm out of the urchin game, guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's been fun, but I'm out.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love y'all. You might like my second family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We live in the sewer. A man tells us to pick pockets.

[Scott Aukerman]

He asks, though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So they start with a penny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, penny, then a hay penny, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Put a penny in the old man's hat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. If you haven't got a penny, then a hay penny will do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Will do.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're like, it's fine, whatever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like the will do because it's like they know they're being a little cheeky, I guess. Like, to them, a hate penny is still a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they know it or we know it and they're just being.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we both know it and we're having fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this brings up the point. What are the Wet Day carols? Because there should be songs. You're not a huge fan of Christmas carols, but you're the biggest fan I know of Wet Day carols.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do you say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought that you didn't like Christmas music.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I like Christmas music. I did a bit once about how.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don'T do big unless you mean them. Chris Rock taught us that comedy is truth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Babylon Bee taught us that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. But what are the Wet Day songs that should be there? I mean, first of all, let's Wet Ass Pussy. Yes. WAP Number one with a bullet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's gotta be.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is the first word in the title.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's gotta be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there. I mean, look, the best band for Wet Day is Wet, Wet, Wet, Wet, Wet. Of course. I'm trying to think of any other song that has wet in it. Do you think they would have make you sweat? Is that a Wet Day song?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, if you're sweating, you're wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it also has wet in the title. But just. It's got the Gonna make you SW or gonna make you s. You think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you take this, the S off of sweat. It's wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's wheat. At least Wheat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bringing in the sheaves, which is about wheat, which you could pronounce wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true, as we've established. Great. So these are all great songs to listen to. All Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely. All Wet Day Long.

[Scott Aukerman]

The entire discography of Wet, Wet, Wet, Wet Ass, Pussy. Bringing the Sheeps. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mariah Carey makes you sweat. Does she have anything with wet?

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone please make a Spotify Wet Day playlist with just that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, because we. We've run out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does Mariah Carey have a song with wet in the. In the title? God, what could. What could be. Let's see. Wet, Wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wetterfly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Witter Wet'stussy. Wetter. I'm trying to think of litter. Wetter, Wetter, Wetter. Hello? Hello? Wetter. I don't know. Mariah, get on this, please. We need more music to listen to. You can only listen to Wet Ass Pussy probably a million times. One million times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But then, like in Christmas tradition, various covers of these songs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Now, what is the Jingle Bells of. Is Wet Ass Pussy the Jingle bells of Wet Day songs?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then there's Wet Ass Pussy Rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because Jingle Bells in every Christmas song, they'll usually end by going, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So classic.

[Steve Buscemi]

Out.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how does Wet Ass Pussy go? What's the melody of that if there's a discernible one? Wet ass pussy. Wet ass pussy. There are some whores in this house. There's some bum, bum, bum bum bum bum bum, bum, bum bum. So maybe that at the end. I think it's some whores in the house.

[Steve Buscemi]

Every song ends with, there's some.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's some whores in this house. So it's like, okay, you're listening, you're listening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We shall go rejoicing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bringing in, there's some whores in this house. There's some whores in this house. There's some whores.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, this is good wet day stuff. And look, I know that you're all hearing this podcast the day after Wet Day, so it's not even making sense necessarily, because now you have to wait another 360.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know you got, like a Wet Day hangover. You know what? Stop this right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dry off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're gonna talk about this for a long time and save it for next wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Save it for next wet. Or at least the week before Wet Day. Or whenever. Whenever we ask people to remind us about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, exactly. That's Sacred Day. That is sort of Wet Day Eve in my.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is, yes. I mean, you know, the 12 days of Oscar. Of course, Wet Day Eve is the two months before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So have we talked about Wet Day?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think. No, I think we've. We've satisfied the wet day requirement.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have talked about Wet day at this point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We are both sopping, sopping wet. Obviously drenched.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm wringing wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And both separate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I'm 120lbs soaking wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are. I figured that out.

[Steve Buscemi]

I'm much heavier if I'm dry.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a 98 pound weekly, usually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That adds 22 pounds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. I have just a big head on a scrawny body like Captain Americ.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would. That would delight me to no end if one day you showed up and you were super jacked and you were like, oh, I got that Captain America thing.

[Steve Buscemi]

It's real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you'd be delighted.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You wouldn't be, like, freaked out?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, jealous? More than freaked out. I'd be happy for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd save some for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'd save me some super soldier serum?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You some triple S? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. That's so nice of you. How much, though?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

Enough to what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To make you almost as super as me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh, so you'll save me 49?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, not like 1%.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll only save me 1%.

[Doug Grope]

No, no, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm saying I would only be 1% more super than you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wait, so 55. No, 50.5% versus 49.5%.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wouldn't it be 99%?

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh? No. You get 50.5% of the serum.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm splitting it with you. I'm getting you at your own dose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Scott, what do you take me for?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think I'm gonna dilute the super soldiers? We're gonna be two half super soldiers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, so you're get. So you're getting me a 99% of the other dose I'm getting. You're pouring out 1% of the other.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm just pouring out 1%. For the homies, of course, for.

[Scott Aukerman]

For Steve Rogers, who of course is old and dead in Marvel. Lauren, I hope you're not listening to this. Oh, my God, I almost spoiled it for her. Newcomers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you watch that Agent Carter TV show? I did, man, I had a crush on her.

[Scott Aukerman]

On which one?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Agent Carter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Agent of the titular.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of titular.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come on, that's my crush you're talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I won't hear such language about my crush.

[Scott Aukerman]

What would you. What would. Realistically, what would you do if. If suddenly. What? I can't remember her name, but Haley Atwell were to. I'm not even saying she'd show up at your door, but like, you ran into her at little Dom's or something and it was just like, Paul, like, like, gotta be with you. I've heard this comedy Bang Bang episode and I was a big fan before. Yeah, sure, but I gotta Be with you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who? Who. I mean, how surprising would that be? If she had any idea who I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was, that would be the biggest surprise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who is the person that you would be the most delighted to discover? Knew who you were?

[Scott Aukerman]

Knew who I was. Well, I, you know, like, had a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Had like a strong knowledge of who you. Not like they're likely a super fan necessarily, but they're like, oh, I absolutely know who that guy is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, like, it was very gratifying to hear ne Patrick Harris, of course, being a fan of the show and several musicians out there, but I think Thandie Newton.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, that's a good one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd enjoy that if she was like, I listen to every episode in between Westworld takes when I'm lying on the slab, nude as a jaybird.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In between takes. Not in between setups.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope, in between takes. Hand me my headphones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've got to put me buds back in.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I don't need the robe, just the headphones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a solo bolo, innie?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love it. Although I, I believe I'm mispronouncing her name. The way she came out and saying, hey, everyone's been mispronouncing my name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not Tandy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It. I. I can't remember exactly how to pronounce it now, but recently, how many.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Other ways could there be?

[Scott Aukerman]

Recently she came out and said, you know what? I just kind of went along with it. But now, like, everyone call me how it's actually supposed to be pronounced. It might be. That might be close.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

New Town.

[Scott Aukerman]

But if you're listening out there, Tandy, or however you pronounce it, hit me up. Would love to have you on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, like, if Ian McKellen had any idea who I was. That would be exciting.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would be exciting. Would you have been. Would you have. Would you have liked to. Would you have liked to have been in that Nazi movie where.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Apt Pupil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Apt Pupil. Where if you, if you had to be in the shower seat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't remember the shower scene in F People.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, never mind. Look it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, let's talk about right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, thanks. I just wanted to allude to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, thanks. Can I tell you something that bothered me about the X Men?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, what do you got? How uncanny they were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. I like people who are canny.

[Scott Aukerman]

They need to be smart in search of certain situations.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like they are so the ex. So mutants are a stand in for any group, any marginalized groups that people fear and hate because they are different.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but they have to be born that way as well. Or exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or at least come. Come into their. But they were born that way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then they get their period, and then they're mutants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is what happens. Yes, but then they also make Magneto an Auschwitz survivor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's like. No, but that's the thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're.

[Doug Grope]

You're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is the analogy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are you pulling the real thing into the analogy?

[Scott Aukerman]

They called it the X Men double whammy for him. It was like, man, you got. You got in both hands. Double whammy.

[Steve Buscemi]

An X Men double whammy.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, yeah, he. He had it. He had it really, really bad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I felt like it. It hurt. The analogy that they were going for.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you wanted him just to be locked up because he was Jewish?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I feel like that's not any different than what I'm saying. You're trying to do a gotcha.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not interesting. Paul has an interesting point of view on. Fake mutants need to be all locked up in concentration camps. All right, Paul. Interesting. Fake mutants in real concentration.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you saying. Okay, so are we saying that I want to lock up Magneto because he's Jewish, or do I think Ian McKellen is Jewish and he should be locked up?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think both. I think you're such a sicko that you think both things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not as. I'm a regular O.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Regular O's, they don't. You know, there's SpaghettiOs, sickos. What other kinds of O's are there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tendo. Newtons.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fig. New Otins. Hey, it's wet day. Anything can happen on wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wild.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh, Henry. Yes. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Henry's a good one. The candy bar and the guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

The candy bar and the guy. Now, is the candy bar based on the guy?

[Steve Buscemi]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then what the are we doing here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like baby Ruth.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's got to be based on the guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

What the hell?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, they say it is based on the pres. The president at the time, his daughter, Herbert Hoover.

[Scott Aukerman]

Herbert Hoover had a Hoover as fast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As it could go. And all the day he had to play.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wait, he had a. Okay, so this is like depression.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Eric. Calvin Coolidge. It was somebody like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone had a depression. Eric.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Candy. It wasn't during the depression. I think it was. Maybe it was Woodrow Wilson. Somebody had a daughter named Ruth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone had a daughter named Ruth. They name a candy bar after.

[Shimmy]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then this is like a logic puzzle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then this Jackass Babe Ruth.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet his name wasn't even Babe. No, he's changing it to be like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The candy he's named after. Saint Babe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Saint Babe the pig.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The patriot's head of pigs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. We are outside. Of course you can hear this. I believe it's a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That sounds like an aeroplane to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like it has some sort of a jet engine, does it not?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like it's a prop plane. Sounds like props.

[Scott Aukerman]

Real. A propeller plane.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's give it a good listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it is wet day and we're outside.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is hard for me to be the first guest because we know each other so well and you have no questions for. For me.

[Scott Aukerman]

What would you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like we're just hanging out. It's not like. What.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, what are you up to?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What about my projects?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on, Paul?

[Steve Buscemi]

Nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. Me either. I heard you got a movie the other day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I almost did. I had a movie for a weekend.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's gotta be a great weekend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My agents were like, hey, that offer was sent by accident.

[Scott Aukerman]

How does one have an accident like that? This like the old, the old joke about, like, did you trip and your dick fell in her? You know, it's like that old joke, you know, you know that joke of like, to the Copa, accidentally had an affair?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What, did you trip and you a dick fellator? Like, did your, now Mr. Eddie Arnold.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did your manager trip and their dick fell on the computer? Here's what's so great is that email.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This, this was my agents, and my agents told me so. So I, I. In the morning of Friday, Friday morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

I get pre wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, this is business.

[Scott Aukerman]

A week before wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a week. This is. This is a month before wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

A month before wet.

[Steve Buscemi]

A week before wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I get a call from, I get a text from a friend of mine, said, hey, a producer friend is looking to cast a role in this movie. I said, you'd be perfect for it, Juicy, if you're interested. And I said, yeah, give me. Here's my agent's contact info. A few hours go by, get an email from my agent's office saying, you have been offered this role. The script or read the script. I'm like, this is a great part. Yeah, I'd love to do this. It's like an indie film. It's not like a big Marvel movie or something like that. I play Indiana Jones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, you have the hat for it today. I wonder why you brought that big bull Wh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is longer practice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also, I'm afraid there's bulls around here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you got to whip those.

[Steve Buscemi]

Oh, my God. Stay away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are they whipping bulls these days?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If they're smart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those things are dangerous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They don't want to get gore.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the Jackass movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not a bullwhip in sight.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Johnny Knoxville put a God dang bullwhip on your belt. Like Indiana Jones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That sentence was hard for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was hard. I got it out, though, eventually. I felt like, touch and go. Yeah. I almost had an aneurysm. Mannerism.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'll get there someday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. So I respond to my agent immediately and say, yes, I would like to do this. Then it's the weekend. Then Monday rolls around.

[Scott Aukerman]

The freaking weekend it was.

[Steve Buscemi]

The ladies and gentlemen, the weekend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Monday rolls around and, like, I haven't heard anything about this movie that starts shooting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

When's my fitting?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

All this stuff. How did they respond when I said I wouldn't learn the lines and I was just going to riff?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, you cards on people acting opposite me so I can read them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I need, of course, a gigantic gym trailer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not gymnasium, no, but a reverend gym trailer.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where I can go in there and be Reverend Jim for as long as I want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okie dokie. What does a yellow light mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Paul, they're ready for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

Be there in five.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. So Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, all of Monday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Goes by with you just sitting there wondering.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is a. This is a week before wet day.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should be concentrating on that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm supposed to be buying presents, making cards, stringing together popcorn and ice cubes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What presents, by the way, are you buying for wet day these days?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, since it's passed, I can say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I got to get Janie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got Janie a wet car with.

[Steve Buscemi]

A big wet bow on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big wet bow. I got. I gotta cool up water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

You need some. You know, it's like the basics. You need some.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's your first wet day together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah. You know, I mean, it's like. It's hard to come up with. Like, what do you need on wedding?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, of course, of course. So then Tuesday morning, I responded the same email that I got over the weekend or before the weekend, and I said, said I haven't heard anything from production.

[Steve Buscemi]

Then I get a call.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the call says, oh, yeah, I need to talk to you about that offer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I call, and this is my agent's. Assistant says, yes, that offer was sent by accident. That was by mistake.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who sent it by accident?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Apologize profusely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meaning they sent it to them on accident.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're saying the production made the mistake, and somehow it led to my agents sending me this offer that I did not have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know how that.

[Scott Aukerman]

How could that even be possible? And by the way, at that point, why don't you just go like, oh, well, let's hire Paul.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, they're going a different way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, a different way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're going a little older than me.

[Scott Aukerman]

How old are we talking?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I don't know. I did hear that. The description. Later I heard the description was Mark Maron, but nicer.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not you? No, it's not Marc Maron, but worse.

[Steve Buscemi]

That's me.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's you, but nicer. I don't know. Well, that's unfortunate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. If it was nicer, it might have been more. More approachable, more like warmer, more friendly, Something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, all the. Everything that kind of like combines into being nicer. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which basically means, like, we. We asked Marc Maron, he said no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Oh, so they. And it's like a slam on him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Somebody was bad. No, I think it's like, well, let's just get a guy like him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, that's too bad. Can we say what the movie is so that people can boycott it? Oh, that's too bad. Who's this friend who sent it to you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can't say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can't say that either. God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But his last name is Cameron.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kirk Cameron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, this is Kirk Cameron?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is one of those Christian films.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He said. He said, look, I got the screen script. I can't read it, of course, because it's not religious, but there's probably a part in there for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

How nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was like, I mean, it was nice, but he didn't even know anything about it. It was just like this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Couldn't even read it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This godless script came here by accident. I can't have it in the house because God does not suffer the wicked to have wicked scripts in his home. So will you look at it? I bet there's a part of it he wasn't even suggesting me to someone else.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a part in there? There, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. That's nice of him, though. I mean, have you ever spoken.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But the thing is, it's not really nice because encoded in that, of course, is, well, you're going to hell.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you Further on down the road to hell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Further on down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Further on down the road to hell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We got to take a break.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, happy wedding day to you. We do have to take a break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Happy what day to you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

And look, the first of many, I hope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, if this was our last wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And our children's children.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right. And our children. Can you imagine though, if either of us passed away before the next wet day and this was our only wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, did we make it count?

[Scott Aukerman]

God, did we make it count? Are we wet enough?

[Steve Buscemi]

Did we earn this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Could we have made this person wet or that person wet?

[Doug Grope]

Get wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You building alone?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we do have to take a break, but this is our Wet Day special and very, very exciting. Coming up, we have, and I don't know if any of future guests are wet, but we have a couple of grandfathers.

[Steve Buscemi]

I don't know if they know about wet Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who knows? We'll find out. We have a financial planner. Now you have to take off. Is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't stay here one second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, thanks for coming by. Appreciate it. When we come back. Shimmy. You're still here. Why are you still here? Shimmy, I can't find my way out.

[Doug Grope]

It's right there.

[Scott Aukerman]

The door is right in front of you. It makes a better door than a window. We where I see a window. No, that's a door. I see a bad window. No, just turn that, see that round thing about halfway down? I beg your pardon? Yeah, you know what I'm pointing to. All right, we gotta take a break. When we come back, we'll be have no more Paul F. Tompkins, but we'll have some other people. We'll be right back with more Wet Day special after this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like what the movie said.

[Scott Aukerman]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Here's what it is. You create a stunning online presence with Squarespace where you can easily showcase your services. Whether it's, I don't know, consultations, maybe events, experiences, all on a fully customizable website. Just enjoy yourself customizing this thing. You're gonna love it. It attracts clients and it helps grow your business. Squarespace's cutting edge design tool make it simple for anyone to build a bespoke website that aligns perfectly with their brand. Here's how you start. You start with Blueprint AI, their AI. AI AI AI powered website builder and create a fully personalized site in just a few steps. Oh, this sounds so futuristic and exciting. Squarespace also helps streamline your entire workflow with built in tools for appointment scheduling, email marketing, and professional invoicing. Plus, get paid on time with branded invoices and seamless online payments. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Spike Mink]

Catch the Spring and bloom event at Whole Foods Market with savings for Easter, casual gatherings and more. Save on no antibiotics ever. Meet best of season, spring protection, produce, brunch favorites, sweets and more through April 22nd.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hats. We all have to wear them to protect ourselves from the rain, the sun, the elements. I guess earth and water. No, we. I did water with rain. Who knows what the elements are? Who can even keep them straight? But we all agree we have to wear hats. And we have to wear a lot of different hats. Right? When we run an online business especially, we have to wear so many different hats. Just trying to manage your web hosting while juggling a million other tasks. Well, Kinsta doesn't just host WordPress websites. They're sort of like the hat of the Internet. They deliver blazing speed, ironclad security and reliability, just like hats. And just by switching to Kinsta, your website could run up to 200% faster. Much like you when you wear a hat, you run 200% faster. When it comes to security, Kinsta's in a league of their own, Madonna style. They're one of the few WordPress hosting providers who back their promises with multiple enterprise certifications. And when you hit a snag, you're going to talk to real humans 24 7, 365 actual people who get it, not these AI chatbots. Okay, are you tired of being your own website support team? Take off that hat, switch your hosting to Kinsta and get your first month for free. And don't worry about the move. They'll handle the whole transition for you. No tech expertise required. Just visit kinsta.com bang to get started. That's K-I N S T A.com Bang Comedy Bang Bang. Wet Day Special. And this is Scott Aerman. Paul of Tompkins had to take off. Shimmy's around. I think he's just wandering. He's very friendly. I love you guys. Who are you talking to? Shimmy. Everybody. Everybody in the world. Yeah. Happy Wed day. Shimmy knows what wet day is. I'm drenched. You are, but that's not water, right? What is it? What wet you? Nobody said it had to be water. Who wet you? Shimmy. All right, well, we have to get to our next guest. This is exciting. They are the aforementioned two grandfathers. Please welcome to the show, Spike and Mike Mink.

[Steve Buscemi]

Sam, let me tell you, if anything happens to my granddaughter, I'm gonna visit you, and you're not gonna be happy about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Shimmy]

Don't look at our grandkid. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sir, wait. Oh, you share a grandchild?

[Steve Buscemi]

We each have a granddaughter.

[Shimmy]

We each have a granddaughter.

[Steve Buscemi]

And don't go near her.

[Scott Aukerman]

And is it the same granddaughter?

[Shimmy]

If we see you near our granddaughter while she's swinging on the playground ground, you'll have a problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right.

[Steve Buscemi]

If my granddaughter is coloring and something makes her go outside the lines, I'm gonna come for you, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Shimmy]

We'll have to get it taken care of.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I, I, I, I doubt I'll be even coming into contact with your granddaughter.

[Steve Buscemi]

Just stay away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it the same person? I do need to figure that out because, like, you seem to be related. Well, I mean, you have the same last name. Are you related?

[Steve Buscemi]

Yes, we're brothers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so. Or you could be. You could be married.

[Shimmy]

We could be.

[Steve Buscemi]

But we're not.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you're not. Okay, so you're brothers.

[Shimmy]

But if we were gonna get married and our granddaughter was at our wedding, you don't need to get near the wedding.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

If our granddaughter is the flower girl at our wedding, walking down the aisle, sprinkling rose petals, and you show up there, you're not gonna like what happens.

[Shimmy]

We'll have to take care of you. You'll end. End up in a Chicago overcoat. Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is a Chicago overcoat?

[Shimmy]

A coffin.

[Scott Aukerman]

A coffin? Really?

[Shimmy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

They call that a Chicago overcoat even outside of Chicago.

[Shimmy]

Everywhere around the country, they call it a Chicago.

[Steve Buscemi]

Everyone knows it's a Chicago over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you guys from Chicago? I know. Yeah, I can tell. You're, like, from back east and you're from the South. Is that right?

[Steve Buscemi]

We're from the same place.

[Shimmy]

Exactly the same place. Place. Sort of the southern part of Philadelphia. Philadelphia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

South Philly. Some people.

[Scott Aukerman]

South Philly. Okay.

[Shimmy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And you guys are brothers and you have a. One of you has a granddaughter, and one of you.

[Steve Buscemi]

I have a granddaughter.

[Shimmy]

And I have a granddaughter, and you better stay away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? I am not going to come into even contact with your granddaughter unless I.

[Shimmy]

Already know her in a Brooklyn Shaw. If you come near.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me guess. A coffin is that another. Yes. And everyone in the country calls it that.

[Shimmy]

Everyone everywhere calls it a coffin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who. Who is your. Who is your. Oh, you mean the Brooklyn shawl?

[Shimmy]

A Brooklyn shawl. I made a mistake.

[Steve Buscemi]

Everyone makes mistakes. If you happen.

[Shimmy]

If you bring up that mistake one more time, you're in trouble.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, but.

[Steve Buscemi]

And my granddaughter will know about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It happens that people make mistakes. But what if I make the mistake of getting too close to your grandma? Granddaughter.

[Steve Buscemi]

Listen, I'm not going to tell you again. My granddaughter is off limits. If you go near my granddaughter, you're gonna get a St. Paul slacks. That's right.

[Shimmy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is. Let me guess. A coffee.

[Steve Buscemi]

It's a coffee.

[Scott Aukerman]

And everyone calls it that.

[Shimmy]

Everyone calls it a coffin. I mean, everyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, yeah, you. You have.

[Steve Buscemi]

Take this coffin glossary. It shows you all the different states and all the different costs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Arkansas, left sock.

[Steve Buscemi]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting. Okay. New Mexico. Or did you. Did you guys already say New Mexico? No.

[Steve Buscemi]

No. We have a brother in New Mexico.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do? Oh.

[Steve Buscemi]

You stay away from our brother.

[Shimmy]

Don't get close.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's this brother?

[Steve Buscemi]

Leave his granddaughter alone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, everyone is a granddaughter. Granddaughter pretty much, right?

[Steve Buscemi]

No, that math doesn't check out.

[Scott Aukerman]

But about 50 of the world is a granddaughter.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yes.

[Shimmy]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. I mean, the dog. Like, almost impossible to not be a granddaughter.

[Shimmy]

50% of the world are grandparents.

[Steve Buscemi]

You have to try not to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

50 of the world aren't grandparents. I'm saying 50 of the world are granddaughters.

[Steve Buscemi]

And yet you were right. 50% of the world are grand grandparents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Grand family.

[Shimmy]

Grand family.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what are you guys here to talk about?

[Steve Buscemi]

Maybe you saw the bubble sticker on the back of our car.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did not.

[Steve Buscemi]

I love my grand family.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have the same bumper sticker, but separate cars.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yes, separate cars. We have to drive right by side.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Because one bumper sticker has half of it and the other bumper sticker, and.

[Shimmy]

Unfortunately for us, it's perforated, so it could tear very easily.

[Steve Buscemi]

They didn't tell us that till after we bought the bumper sticker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. How much is this bumper sticker?

[Shimmy]

20.

[Scott Aukerman]

$20. And you couldn't just say $20,000? I mean, it is longer than normal bumper stickers.

[Steve Buscemi]

The part that's not perforated is very strong.

[Shimmy]

Once he took a left and I dragged him.

[Steve Buscemi]

I still have the scars. Scars like you're gonna have if you touch my granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not gonna touch your granddad.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do I know. Do I know her?

[Steve Buscemi]

You better not Know my granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't even want me to know her.

[Shimmy]

You know her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I know. Oh, but I do know her.

[Steve Buscemi]

You know it too well.

[Shimmy]

A little too well.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're getting a little too close. Who is this granddaughter?

[Steve Buscemi]

You better stop asking questions about my granddaughter, whom you already know very well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, are there eight simple rules for knowing your granddaughter or.

[Steve Buscemi]

There's 11 rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's 11?

[Shimmy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I know those?

[Shimmy]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's hear them.

[Steve Buscemi]

1.

[Scott Aukerman]

Starting all the way at the most important. Wow.

[Steve Buscemi]

No. The higher it gets, the more.

[Shimmy]

Yes, yes.

[Steve Buscemi]

One is the easiest one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't go near my granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, now these are rules for getting near your granddaughter. Number one is don't get.

[Steve Buscemi]

That's right.

[Shimmy]

Don't call her by name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't even look at her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Shimmy]

Keep her name out of your mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

Number five, keep her name out of your fucking mouth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very similar to the previous rule.

[Shimmy]

Don't buy her anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Buy her anything. Okay. Like what? Like what are we talking about gifts? I guess that is buy. I mean, buying something.

[Steve Buscemi]

I think anything covers it. Don't buy her anything. That means there's not a thing you could buy accidentally. That's okay. Don't buy her anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anything. So, like from. From a spark plug. The tiniest spark plug.

[Shimmy]

Leave her on the side of the road, straight.

[Steve Buscemi]

We're not going to Noah's ar. Mark this with you. Don't buy her anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

A zebra. Okay, that's number seven, I think.

[Shimmy]

Yes.

[Steve Buscemi]

Number eight, turn around and walk away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Right now. Or.

[Steve Buscemi]

It's in the rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm in the middle of the show. Okay. All right. Number nine.

[Shimmy]

Do not under any circumstances.

[Scott Aukerman]

Circumstances.

[Steve Buscemi]

Some of these rules have their own words.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

Now, it sounds tricky, but it's intuitive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it like the English word circumstances? Does it exactly. It relates to that a little bit?

[Steve Buscemi]

It relates to that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but it's a totally different definition.

[Steve Buscemi]

Not totally.

[Shimmy]

Totally.

[Steve Buscemi]

It is not totally.

[Shimmy]

Not totally.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some of the words are the same.

[Steve Buscemi]

Totally. Not totally.

[Scott Aukerman]

So under any.

[Steve Buscemi]

Not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do not under any circumstances.

[Shimmy]

Help her get out of a situation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of a situ. Of any situation.

[Steve Buscemi]

Any situation. Any circumstances.

[Shimmy]

Under circumstances. Don't help her get out of any situation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. 10.

[Steve Buscemi]

Watch your language and be polite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. He's getting further and further away from the English. I know. And then there's got to be one and the most important rule number 11.

[Steve Buscemi]

This one you better remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Shimmy]

Don't look at her.

[Scott Aukerman]

At her. Don't look at her.

[Steve Buscemi]

You don't look at her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I think I can remember the gist of all that.

[Steve Buscemi]

Bring them back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't have anything to do with her. Don't go near her. Don't buy anything for her.

[Shimmy]

Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Keep her name out of my mouth.

[Steve Buscemi]

Proceed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Keep her name out of my mouth without the good. And don't go near her. And under any circumstances don't help her out of a situation. I think I got.

[Steve Buscemi]

That was only four.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was only four. No, that was way more than four. Look, I don't even. I don't know your granddaughter. Why do you love your granddaughter so much? I will keep it that way. Although apparently I do know her. But why do you?

[Steve Buscemi]

Did you really ask us why do we love our granddaughter?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you love your granddaughter? They're a pain in the ass as far as I'm concerned.

[Shimmy]

Have you ever been on the other side of a seesaw with your granddaughter?

[Steve Buscemi]

Have you ever been at the park sitting on a bench watching your granddaughter on a swing? And then every once in a while she says, look how high I go.

[Doug Grope]

Pop, pop.

[Steve Buscemi]

And you say, I see you kid, you're flying.

[Shimmy]

Have you ever got your granddaughter for the last half of the day, day. And you take her out to get food and ice cream and she wasn't supposed to have ice cream.

[Steve Buscemi]

Have you ever yelled at your granddaughter so bad you scared her into tears and then your daughter in law of your dead son gets upset?

[Scott Aukerman]

This sounds very specific. No, I have not done any of these things. Did you have one more?

[Shimmy]

Do you drive a late 80s Chrysler? Have a friend named Salamanca?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this sounds pretty specific. No, I don't have either of those things.

[Steve Buscemi]

Are you the enforcer for a secret drug lord who fronts a chain of chicken restaurants?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, unfortunately I'm not, no.

[Shimmy]

Well, it sounds like you're going to have to be put into a Washington D.C. mini tea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Washington D.C. isn't even a state. Wow, they made it in there.

[Steve Buscemi]

Taxation without representation is tyranny. Oh, are you political just on that score?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just on that. What do you think of taxes in general?

[Steve Buscemi]

I don't like to pay them. But if you want to stay legitimate, you got to pay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got to pay a few of them.

[Shimmy]

It's nice that we have nice roads to drive on to do our business. And that's what taxes do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting. So now why did you guys come on the show?

[Shimmy]

To warn you about getting close to our daughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, that's established.

[Steve Buscemi]

Granddaughter, that is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Granddaughter. Yes.

[Shimmy]

Sometimes I say daughter, but we mean granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but other than that Also, we.

[Steve Buscemi]

Run a Dairy Queen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Shimmy]

We're run. We're currently running a Dairy Queen into the ground.

[Steve Buscemi]

On purpose? On purpose for tax reasons.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, don't ask any questions, but which Dairy Queen? Do you mind saying where. Where it's at?

[Shimmy]

But so people 6. No, do not come to it. We need the rest write off. Once it fails, we'll get a big tax deduction.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you. Are you able to sell the food, though?

[Shimmy]

Like, I mean, we got rid of the blizzards.

[Steve Buscemi]

That's why it's doing so poorly.

[Shimmy]

We replace the blizzards with chunky white gravy.

[Scott Aukerman]

So no ice cream at all? Just white gravy?

[Steve Buscemi]

No ice cream. We ordered some of those McDonald's ice cream machines, and they're always out of order.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you changed the name of the business to, like, Gravy Queen? You know, I mean, it sounds kind of dirty.

[Steve Buscemi]

Maybe we don't want gravy people coming in there and getting satisfied.

[Shimmy]

We briefly changed it to Gravy Queen, and we had a lot of pornographers coming up to us.

[Steve Buscemi]

The place was crawling with freaks. You can imagine. We were worried about our granddaughters, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I can only imagine. Suddenly, your. Your business establishment is a haven.

[Shimmy]

Our granddaughter is always eating in at our Dairy Queen. Buyer yourself in the window, so don't even drive by.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so a lot of gravy, but you say it's on 6th.

[Steve Buscemi]

If you go buy a Dairy Queen with a cute little girl sitting in the window eating gravy with a big smile on her face, you better turn your car around and drive away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why'd you pick Dairy Queen?

[Shimmy]

Was it just like granddaughter, Granddaughter's favorite restaurants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Steve Buscemi]

We looked up the top 10 favorite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Granddaughters favorite restaurants, and found Dairy Queen. So then you became one with a bullet franchise, which is what you'll get.

[Steve Buscemi]

If you go near my granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

The bullet, not the number one, I'm assuming. So you. You became. You became.

[Steve Buscemi]

I will present you with a number one trophy. It says, number one looked at my granddaughter, and then I'll shoot you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you became franchise franchisees. Is that. Is that what were franchisers? And how difficult was that process? Process?

[Shimmy]

Very difficult. You have to only buy certain ingredients from the main Dairy Queen office, which is really hard because you could buy from other suppliers cheaper and make a bigger profit.

[Steve Buscemi]

But it's frowned upon by the Dairy Queen people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but that's why you moved into Gravy then, because you didn't want to pay for their prices for the ice cream or gravy.

[Shimmy]

Is the cheapest product they sell and.

[Steve Buscemi]

Also the most unique, unpleasant thing to get when you're expecting ice cream.

[Shimmy]

And we need the tax deduction.

[Steve Buscemi]

There's also a very challenging written test.

[Scott Aukerman]

To become one of these. Really?

[Steve Buscemi]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And this is all based on, like, ingredients of. Of the various things or Dairy Queen lore.

[Shimmy]

We kept saying that the blizzard was a cold weather experience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. How did you pass the test?

[Steve Buscemi]

We cheated.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

We got someone else to take it for us because the final question was, how much do you hate your granddaughter?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. So who took it for you? Who was that?

[Steve Buscemi]

This guy.

[Shimmy]

Scumbag who hates his granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he was able to pass that final question with colors.

[Shimmy]

Had no guilt saying he hated his granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why is that important to the Dairy Queen Corporation?

[Steve Buscemi]

Kids are a big part of their.

[Shimmy]

Business, and they want to make sure that you don't love grandkids.

[Scott Aukerman]

You said that like it made sense, but it didn't.

[Steve Buscemi]

If you question our love for our grandchild.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not questioning that. I'm questioning why the Dairy Queen Corporation needs you to hate your grandchild.

[Steve Buscemi]

You don't need to know.

[Shimmy]

We're going to give you a. A trophy, and then we're going to shoot you in the back of a head and put you in a Louisiana fitted sheet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I'd rather just have the trophy. I don't need the being shot in the back of the head. Can I just have the trophy?

[Steve Buscemi]

Is that part end up in some Delaware drapes?

[Scott Aukerman]

So we've moved on past clothing.

[Shimmy]

We may go back to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Shimmy]

But right now, we're in bedding and housewares.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Steve Buscemi]

If you're not careful, you're gonna end up in a Florida fingertip towel.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that must take up a lot of your time. But do you have, you know, working and turning people away from the Dairy Queen, saying, no, we only have gravy today.

[Shimmy]

Yeah, it takes a lot of our time. But also, we are those guys at the boardwalk who dress in silver paint and be still. But we have trouble being still.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you guys are really squirrely.

[Steve Buscemi]

It's hard. I see people thinking about going near my granddaughter, and I ruin the illusion of being a silver robot.

[Shimmy]

Unfortunately, our granddaughters are nearby and unattended, so we can't be still.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are those guys supposed to be motionless to fool you into thinking they're statues or. Or robots? Because I would assume a robot moves.

[Steve Buscemi]

Not all robots move. A coffee maker is a robot. It doesn't go anywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's my thing about robots. And let's see if you agree.

[Shimmy]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone's like, oh, no, we can't. We can't create robots because they're going to take over the world. Don't give them thumbs. Case closed.

[Steve Buscemi]

We're going to call our granddaughter and see what she says.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah, call her up.

[Shimmy]

You've actually asked this to our granddaughter because you know her well?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I've talked about this with your granddaughter already.

[Shimmy]

We were furious.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's give her a call. Here we go. Dialing the number that you guys gave me. Hello?

[Doug Grope]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did I say hello first?

[Doug Grope]

I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mom, Hi, this is Scott Au of Comedy Bang Bang.

[Doug Grope]

Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Steve Buscemi]

It's okay, honey. It's Pop Pop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Pop Pop.

[Steve Buscemi]

You can talk to this man, but don't let him talk to you for too long, okay?

[Doug Grope]

I'm. I'm playing.

[Steve Buscemi]

I love you. I know. You're playing really good.

[Doug Grope]

I love you too. Thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What are you playing? Do you mind me asking? Is that okay to ask?

[Shimmy]

Easy, easy.

[Doug Grope]

Separating my Halloween candy into piles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really late to do that, I gotta say. It's wet day already.

[Doug Grope]

Thank you.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't criticize my granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

She.

[Shimmy]

We let her eat all the old candy that she wants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Sorry. What? So what are the categories you're separating them into?

[Steve Buscemi]

Halloween candy? Because candy is sold year round, I.

[Doug Grope]

Put them into piles of all their different flavors.

[Steve Buscemi]

Oh, look at that.

[Doug Grope]

Peanut butter cups, Reese's Pieces.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have piles of.

[Doug Grope]

I'm not done.

[Shimmy]

She's not done.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't interrupt my granddaughter or I'm gonna give you a trophy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stop there. Stop there.

[Doug Grope]

I'm good at that now and laters. Whatchamacallets. Peppermint Kids. Peppermint Kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the. What?

[Shimmy]

Which one was that?

[Scott Aukerman]

That come from Peppermint Kids.

[Shimmy]

What do you mean, Peppermint Kids? Is somebody messing with you?

[Steve Buscemi]

What's Peppermint Kids?

[Doug Grope]

That's when you mush together Peppermint Patty and Sour Patch Kids.

[Steve Buscemi]

Okay, okay. That's not one of our code words. So everything's fine.

[Shimmy]

Everything's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you have code words. And what. What happens if. If the. The granddaughter says one of the code words you put.

[Steve Buscemi]

You get a trophy and then you're presented with a Pennsylvania patio set.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you guys have go bags or anything?

[Doug Grope]

Or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or like, I would imagine your granddaughter's go bag is just filled with Halloween candy. Is that.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't imagine things about my granddaughter.

[Shimmy]

It's got a lot of candy and a lot of gravy.

[Doug Grope]

Stacks of five pennies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Apples, stacks of five.

[Doug Grope]

Pennies, floss and watermelon suckers.

[Shimmy]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Are you done, honey? Okay.

[Shimmy]

See, she has floss. That's a good girl.

[Steve Buscemi]

Good girl. Okay, say goodbye.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, we haven't passed her about. So see, you knew her creating thumbs on robots yet?

[Steve Buscemi]

Sounds familiar.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you think about creating thumbs on robots?

[Doug Grope]

Hey.

[Shimmy]

Oh, she's still there.

[Doug Grope]

Scott, are we gonna. Are we meeting up again?

[Scott Aukerman]

D.

[Steve Buscemi]

You better stay away from my granddaughter.

[Shimmy]

Don't you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are you? I. They say I know you really well. Who is this?

[Doug Grope]

You know my name?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who?

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't tell them, honey.

[Doug Grope]

Don't tell me know it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is your name?

[Doug Grope]

We work together all the time with you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

Where have I seen you? Where? Where have I seen you?

[Shimmy]

You see this person every day?

[Steve Buscemi]

Every single day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cool up.

[Steve Buscemi]

You better stay away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't you dare.

[Shimmy]

Be careful.

[Steve Buscemi]

You're on thin ice.

[Shimmy]

We're gonna drive side by side over to your house and then put you in a New York grill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Grill. This is the cookware. That's right.

[Shimmy]

Cookware portion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

It's the kind that was advertised on podcast there for a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, honey, what do you think about the thumbs on robots? Are you still there?

[Doug Grope]

I'm here. I was playing a new game.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what's the game, honey?

[Doug Grope]

I was counting letters.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many are there? 26, right?

[Doug Grope]

Yeah, but not you can count. I figured out you can count different letters multiple times.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, like, that's amazing. So, like B, for instance, you could count it. How many times?

[Doug Grope]

I've counted beast. 100 times. Time. 114 times so far.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, that's a lot of times to count a B. I'm coming over.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't condescend to my grand.

[Doug Grope]

I'm coming over. Scott, I want to play games at your house again.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think you should come over, honey.

[Steve Buscemi]

Listen to Pop Pop. Don't come over here just yet, okay? Because Scott might not be here by the time you get here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I might have a trophy by the time you're here. Might be wearing something. Something.

[Doug Grope]

B. One.

[Steve Buscemi]

Okay. Say goodbye, honey.

[Shimmy]

Say goodbye.

[Doug Grope]

Okay. Bye. Bye.

[Shimmy]

So.

[Steve Buscemi]

Wow, what have you learned?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I'm not placing the. The voice, I have to say. I mean, someone I see every single day.

[Steve Buscemi]

Every single day. The majority of the day. I think it's just cool you spend nine hours or more with this person every single day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely got to be cool off. But she doesn't have any Halloween candy and she doesn't talk like a little baby, I don't think. And I don't think either of you are a grandfather.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don't insult my granddaughter.

[Shimmy]

If you say we are lying about having a granddaughter, we will come over there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very weird you would say that anytime.

[Steve Buscemi]

Someone says who would lie about having a granddaughter. Daughter. You better watch your step.

[Shimmy]

Be careful. Be careful. If you think we are just boardwalk performers that are lying about our granddaughters.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just to get on this show and.

[Steve Buscemi]

Don'T even have a Dairy Queen franchise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, I would have had you guys on just as the boardwalk performers. That's. I mean, maybe even more interesting than having granddaughters.

[Shimmy]

We said to your producer that we were a huge fan. Fan of Wet Day. And we washed off all our silver and we got sopping wet and we came down here.

[Steve Buscemi]

We came right down here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but why the. And I'm assuming you guys are lying is that if you say we're lying.

[Steve Buscemi]

About having a granddaughter, then you might be a redneck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I might be. All right, look, we have to take a break. Mike. When we come back, we're gonna have the financial advisor and Mike and Ike. Or Mike and Spike. I can't even remember you guys names.

[Steve Buscemi]

Our brother is Mike.

[Shimmy]

Our brother is Mike Airman Trout from.

[Scott Aukerman]

From Better Calls.

[Steve Buscemi]

All that's right, thinly fictionalized.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I understand this whole thing now.

[Shimmy]

Now, now we've.

[Steve Buscemi]

Did it really take you that long?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. All right, we're gonna take a break. When we come back, we'll have more from these guys. Mike and Spike. No, Spike and Ike. And we'll have a financial advisor. Do you guys. You guys are having financial problems, I would imagine you're just street performers.

[Shimmy]

That was a lie.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a lie too.

[Steve Buscemi]

Our only financial problem is we're not getting enough paper money. In the hat.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what was it?

[Shimmy]

And we're being sued by Foxworthy for saying that, right? Then we suddenly say it often. We tour with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Okay, you should not be doing that.

[Steve Buscemi]

Well, when we come back is called the two Jeff Fox movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. You are in trouble. He'll win that lawsuit. All right, we're gonna be right back with the financial advisor. More from Mike and Spike or Spike and Ike. We'll be right back with more comedy. Back after this wet day, I ask myself, is it Dustin to be flexible? That's right. Flexibility. It's not a sin. Get out of here, Depeche Mode. Well, flexibility in your workday means you can decide when and where to invest your time. And with stamps, dot com. Tedious tasks, the tts of the world. Like sending Certified mail, invoices, yawn checks. Who needs them? They can be done on your time, not someone else. Stamps.com simplifies your postage needs and adds valuable flexibility back into your workday. Seamlessly connect with every major marketplace and shopping cart. If you sell products online, get rates you won't see anywhere else. Like up to 88% off USPS. That's almost all. And UPS. Oh, I've been using stamps.com for, you know, over a decade. At this point. They're one of our super sponsors. We would mail every single package out using stamps.com it's easy. It's fun. It is fun. Have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com. sign up at stamps.com and use code Bang Bang for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts, just go to stamps.com code bang bang.

[Spike Mink]

Tired of listening to the same old playlists or podcasts over and over? Maybe it's time to mix things up. Try something new. Hit. Explore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Avoid.

[Spike Mink]

Avoid the blah and the boring. Before you even put your headphones in. Add some fun in the mix. Say yabba dabba doo to a bowl of pebble cereal. And enjoy by the spoonful. Fruity and cocoa pebble cereal. Les blah. More yabba dabba doo. Head to your nearest grocery store to buy pebble cereal today. The Flintstones and all related characters and elements copyright and trademark Hanna Barbera. Spring's here. Flowers are blooming. Birds are singing. And allergies. Yeah, they're back too. Sneezing. Watery eyes. When they hit, you need a tissue fast. That's where Kleenex Ultra Soft Tissues comes in. Whether you're at home or on the go. Kleenex Ultra Soft Tissues. Have you covered? Allergist approved. Kleenex Ultra Soft tissues are gentle on your eyes and nose so you can power through allergy season without missing a beat. Because while allergies are unpredictable, staying prepared is easy. For whatever happens next, grab Kleenex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We have. We're here with Spike and Spike and Mike. It's Spike and Mike. It's Spike. It's Spike and Ike. Okay, I wrote it down. Mink Salmon.

[Shimmy]

Our brother is Mike Airman Trout.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he had to he. Wait. But his name is Mike Herman Trout.

[Steve Buscemi]

Thinly fictional.

[Shimmy]

Fictionalized.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Steve Buscemi]

Okay, well, look, we have brother Mike plays himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

He plays television. I don't think so. And you. But then you guys are the fictionalized ones. I understand. Okay, got it.

[Steve Buscemi]

We're not Real.

[Shimmy]

You're imagining us.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, sure. I mean, it's wet day. Anything could happen when you get this wet.

[Steve Buscemi]

So be wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much, guys. If you are really. But I know someone who is here and we need to welcome him. He has been on the show several times. He's a financial advisor. Please welcome back Doug Grope.

[Doug Grope]

Hi, Scott. It's great to be here. It's wonderful to be back. What an energy in the sky. The sun is beating down. It's throwing energy through my body. I feel like we're coming out of the pandemic. It's wet day for goddamn.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's wet day. Happy Wednesday to you and many hamburgers to you.

[Doug Grope]

Happy wet day day to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Doug Grope]

I love it. I love the whole idea of it. I heard you talking earlier about.

[Scott Aukerman]

You heard us talking about wet day.

[Doug Grope]

I heard you talking about wet day. It brought me energy, it brought me goodness and it godamn filled up my mind with happiness. And I'll tell you, I thought of that song. What's that song called?

[Scott Aukerman]

Happy birthday.

[Doug Grope]

Happy birthday to you. I thought of this song and I was like, well, think of what a cake is. A cake is a dry piece of wheat meat and it's covered. It's covered in a what?

[Scott Aukerman]

A cake topper?

[Doug Grope]

Typically, yeah. A cake topper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a bride and groom?

[Doug Grope]

Well, it could be that. And what's underneath that? What is the slice in between?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you bring this super loud plane? Right.

[Doug Grope]

Well, if you look at it, that's my plane and I've got a little. That's got my website. My website just in case people are listening. That's my website.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is your website?

[Doug Grope]

Yeah, grope me, but don't sweep me under the dug.com, and now sweep me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Under the Doug me.

[Doug Grope]

But don't sweep me under the dug dot com.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shouldn't that be sweetmeundertherug dot com?

[Doug Grope]

Well, it's. I. It should have been someone that wasn't available.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone took.

[Doug Grope]

So I took sweet me under the Doug and it wait. Sometimes things work out and when you have a positive attitude in life, things are going to work out sometimes. How are you coming out of the pandemic?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm great. It's good to see you again, by the way. You've been on the show several times. Doug several times is a financial advisor and I can't remember anything you've ever talked about.

[Doug Grope]

No. And that's the beauty of it, because everything we talk about in the past lives in the past. And I live in the future, and I live in the now.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we live in the past, and we live in the future.

[Doug Grope]

Hopefully, in my mind, we never live in the now. We only live in the future. Our hopes only live in the future. Think about what a hope is. What is a hope?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, it's something that you wish for, something you try to achieve in your life.

[Doug Grope]

That's right, Scott. God damn. Every time I think about. Think I'm losing hope in humanity, somebody like you comes along and you push me into this world where I have this new thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bad. You're losing hope for.

[Doug Grope]

We have. It has been problematic over the last time. I don't want to give a specific last time. The last time. Do you want me to say 20, 30 years. It's been bad for a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What's been going on, Doug? What's been going on?

[Doug Grope]

Well, as you know, before the pandemic.

[Shimmy]

Did you lose your granddaughter?

[Doug Grope]

Thank. To be honest, I have several granddaughters who.

[Shimmy]

Lucky.

[Steve Buscemi]

Has anyone ever challenged that they're real?

[Doug Grope]

No, I am very. I. I have a sort of a different attitude about my granddaughters, where I like to welcome them into the world and let them go out and meet.

[Steve Buscemi]

Different from what?

[Doug Grope]

Different. Well, different from what you got, it appears to me. And this is good because, you know, we all have different angles on the.

[Shimmy]

Your granddaughters, Louis.

[Doug Grope]

Loose. Yeah. And by losing, they're winning, right? Because don't you win when you lose.

[Shimmy]

But you let them lose.

[Doug Grope]

I let them loose.

[Scott Aukerman]

You let them lose. What?

[Steve Buscemi]

If I had a granddaughter, I would let her win every time.

[Shimmy]

Every time.

[Doug Grope]

Well, I. And I respect that. I respect everybody's opinion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Listen, are you saying you're an absentee grandfather? I didn't even think you were that old of a gentleman.

[Shimmy]

I think you might be a redneck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys. You can't say that on my show either. Sorry.

[Steve Buscemi]

If you let your grandmother lose grand.

[Doug Grope]

I am absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

What kind of venues are you guys playing?

[Steve Buscemi]

Boardwalks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just boardwalks. That's it.

[Shimmy]

Outdoor sea.

[Doug Grope]

I've seen you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about Park Place?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, Doug, Doug, What's.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's.

[Doug Grope]

Hi, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're here to talk about some. Some of your. Your ways to get financial independence. Is that what your thing is?

[Doug Grope]

Here's the thing. I know we all went through the pandemic. We all got these checks.

[Steve Buscemi]

Not my granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your granddaughter didn't go through the pandemic.

[Shimmy]

We wouldn't let her lock down.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's part of going through the pandemic.

[Shimmy]

We wouldn't let her lock down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you wouldn't let her lock down. Oh, no, no.

[Shimmy]

You're not locking down our granddaughter.

[Doug Grope]

You let her lose.

[Scott Aukerman]

You let her lose.

[Shimmy]

We let her loose, but only because people wanted to lock her down.

[Scott Aukerman]

So anything anyone wants to do for your granddaughter, even if it's helpful, you want to do the opposite.

[Steve Buscemi]

We want the opposite.

[Doug Grope]

I love that. I love that. God damn it, I love that. I think that's wonderful. You let her loose. You let her out there. You let her enjoy the world. You let her find her own pitfalls. That's wonderful. How much. Can I ask you? How much did you receive in stimulus? Yeah, we'll go around and we'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think we all got the same thing, didn't we?

[Doug Grope]

Or I got none Again, None.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's. That's the lowest you can get it.

[Doug Grope]

That's the lowest you could get.

[Shimmy]

You didn't qualify for the stimulus.

[Doug Grope]

It was given to everyone for legal reasons, and you didn't meet the one.

[Steve Buscemi]

Criteria, which was to be a citizen of the United States.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're not a citizen.

[Doug Grope]

Well, technically, I'm not. I never signed up. Oh, wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where were you born?

[Shimmy]

Did you take the test?

[Doug Grope]

I was born. I was born in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, but not under the United States.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you were like, there. Was there a little corner or something that was, like, sovereign?

[Doug Grope]

No, my parents, they came from Portugal, and they quickly came over here, and as we landed. This is gonna sound like a joke, but as we landed, I came out of my mother as somebody was asking, are you a US Citizen? And as I came out of her, you know. Vagina.

[Scott Aukerman]

Vagina.

[Doug Grope]

Yeah, vagina. I came, came out, and you're posing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right now like you were doing, like, a Burt Reynolds naked in Cosmopolitan.

[Doug Grope]

Well, it's funny you say that. It's funny you say that because you.

[Shimmy]

Came out with a big mustache.

[Steve Buscemi]

You're covered in hair.

[Doug Grope]

I was born. I.

[Scott Aukerman]

You probably born with Burt Reynolds style.

[Doug Grope]

Reverse alopecia.

[Scott Aukerman]

We can't. We can't joke.

[Shimmy]

Be careful.

[Doug Grope]

And I would never.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would.

[Doug Grope]

Would never.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would. But it's reverse where you have a. That sounds like regular.

[Doug Grope]

It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a lot and then you have none.

[Doug Grope]

No, it's for a baby. It only lasts while you're a baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see. So you have a lot when you're baby hair. When a baby has baby hair. When you lose your. Then you have none. You have none when an adult has your baby teeth. Your baby hair, then you get it back when old people lose their hair. Yeah. Okay, so you're you're in the middle right now of. Of a hair sandwich.

[Doug Grope]

Sor it.

[Shimmy]

Yeah. Yum, yum.

[Steve Buscemi]

Give me that right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I knew we shouldn't have taped this right at dinner time. You just mentioned hair sandwich, and all of our guests start rubbing their belt, teasing me.

[Steve Buscemi]

I want that hair sandwich.

[Shimmy]

You cannot say it one more time.

[Doug Grope]

So either way, I was not a US Citizen.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you came out posing like Bert Reynolds.

[Shimmy]

And why does that make you not a US Citizen?

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like you were born.

[Shimmy]

Yeah. You came out in US Soil.

[Steve Buscemi]

I feel like there's no steps missing.

[Doug Grope]

No, because I came out of the.

[Shimmy]

Fragina on U.S. soil.

[Scott Aukerman]

You never touched the ground.

[Doug Grope]

I didn't touch the soil, and that's a soil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, I wonder. Okay, you've been on stilts this whole time. Are you not touching.

[Doug Grope]

No, they are lift.

[Shimmy]

Well, you've never been on US Soil.

[Doug Grope]

I've never touched US Soil. I've never touched.

[Steve Buscemi]

How many soils have you touched?

[Doug Grope]

I've never touched soil intentionally.

[Shimmy]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because if you were just to put your foot down on US Soil, you would finally be a US Citizen.

[Doug Grope]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You would have gotten the stimulus check.

[Doug Grope]

That's right. And I. And that. That is one benefit that I would have had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, but what are the. What are.

[Shimmy]

You pay taxes?

[Doug Grope]

Well, I get to.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess. You don't have to.

[Shimmy]

Do you pay taxes?

[Doug Grope]

I don't pay one penny.

[Shimmy]

Give me damn stilts.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. I'm sorry, but can it be reversed?

[Doug Grope]

I don't pay tax taxes. And. And so therefore, I can conduct business all throughout the United States without. I never touch US Soil, and I never have to pay an ounce of business tax.

[Steve Buscemi]

If your hands touch soil. Does that count?

[Doug Grope]

It does not, because I've never.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's got to be the feet.

[Doug Grope]

I've. It has to be the feet.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you guard.

[Doug Grope]

According to the government.

[Shimmy]

Stilts touching US Soil, you definitely.

[Steve Buscemi]

If you garden on to stilts, you might be a redneck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, guys, you can't.

[Doug Grope]

I did fall. I remember once I took a.

[Shimmy]

There's another banner. What does it say?

[Doug Grope]

Oh, look at that. That is my phone. That's my phone number. That's my.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, read it out.

[Steve Buscemi]

You see?

[Doug Grope]

1600555222 963-9472.

[Shimmy]

Too many numbers.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's how people can get a hold of you.

[Doug Grope]

It's an extension. Oh, I see. Yeah, there's another one that should come through with a coupon code.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those planes, by the way, were Flying side by side with a big banner that had like a perforation, a lot like their bumper sticker.

[Shimmy]

Those must be brothers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Brothers who fly planes. Wow.

[Steve Buscemi]

They might be rednecks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Shimmy]

You must be a redneck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that an order that.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yes, I will get order around it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You must.

[Steve Buscemi]

He can't sue us if we say must.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Doug, what do you got? Doug?

[Shimmy]

So the first, first rule is not touch U.S. soil. If you have touched U.S. soil. Are there other money saving tactics?

[Doug Grope]

Well, I'll tell you this, here's why I'm here. Oh, and I'm going to bring it down. I need to bring it down for a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, what do you got?

[Doug Grope]

It's been hard coming out of the pandemic. We have these stimulus checks, right. We're all wondering, except you. We're all, except for myself. We're wondering how to spend them. And I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think it's been the problem.

[Shimmy]

We've had them in our bank accounts.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've had so much money, we just don't even know how to spend.

[Doug Grope]

I've come up with a multi layer system on how to spend your stimulus check.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that Multi layered, like a, like a casserole.

[Doug Grope]

A several step program.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Shimmy]

Seven layer steps.

[Doug Grope]

It's seven layer multi steps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like hot day.

[Doug Grope]

Seven.

[Steve Buscemi]

Seven simple layers for steps to avoiding taxes.

[Doug Grope]

Well, sort of. Sort of.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are these? What are these layers?

[Doug Grope]

Okay, first of all, the first layer is financial fasting. Now a lot of, a lot of you guys are probably like, well, I get confused. How am I going to spend this? How much did you get again? Was it 20?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it was 500 bucks, wasn't it? Or something like that.

[Doug Grope]

500?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Doug Grope]

Well, it wasn't f. For a lot of people. It was in the thousands.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was. Oh, okay, maybe a couple thousand. I can't.

[Steve Buscemi]

First time it was 1600.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

Then they said they were going to get give 2,000, but instead they just gave 400 more. They said, see, 2,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

2,000. Yeah. Great.

[Doug Grope]

So here we are, everybody's stuck with this $2,000. And what are you going to do? How do you get rid of. I, I think, how do you spend.

[Steve Buscemi]

I've been paying my bills. No problem. Just wondering what to do with that.

[Scott Aukerman]

2000 for two years. Perfect.

[Doug Grope]

Right. So it's sitting there in what I can only assume is some sort of high interest bearing savings account, right?

[Shimmy]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. An ira. Is that something?

[Doug Grope]

I.

[Shimmy]

Well, we put it in a sep. Ira.

[Doug Grope]

You put it in your, your business. Your business account.

[Shimmy]

Retirement immediately to retirement. Which I can spend now because I'm over the retirement age and every penny.

[Steve Buscemi]

We make goes to our granddaughters who do not exist. But if they do, then must be a redneck.

[Doug Grope]

Well, that's. That's fantastic. That's also a good workaround.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like it.

[Doug Grope]

That. Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

That you shall be a redneck.

[Shimmy]

You will be a redneck.

[Steve Buscemi]

Shalt be a redneck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thou shalt be a redneck. This is. That's enough of a change. Where I think you can get the.

[Shimmy]

10 redneck commandments shall be, do not covet thou redneck.

[Steve Buscemi]

Do not covet your neighbor's car up on blocks.

[Shimmy]

Do not murder someone for stealing your barbecue sauce.

[Scott Aukerman]

The oven. We don't have enough time.

[Steve Buscemi]

Obviously you must buy your wife as much jewelry as you buy your horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're going to get in trouble for that by someone else. I think you don't want him to show up, by the way, this guy, Dalton Wilcox.

[Shimmy]

Anyway, so, yeah, financial fasting.

[Doug Grope]

Yeah.

[Steve Buscemi]

Thanks for bringing.

[Doug Grope]

Thanks for bringing it back. Thanks for bringing it back because that's what we're all. We are all working as a team.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what way? In what capacity? How is that possible?

[Doug Grope]

Because all this money has. The whole point of this money was to be shot back into the economy to give us a stimulus. Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

But no one spent it because it's too much.

[Shimmy]

Spend too much money.

[Steve Buscemi]

Cuz they couldn't decide how to spend it.

[Doug Grope]

They can't decide how to spend it. They can't decide when to spend it. They can't decide how to spend it or what to spend.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what's your solution?

[Doug Grope]

The solution is to sign up. I mean, I'm not going to give you the full solution right here, but you can go to my website.

[Steve Buscemi]

Why not?

[Scott Aukerman]

We need it now. Give us the final solution.

[Steve Buscemi]

Does it involve Magneto?

[Doug Grope]

No, I. You know what? I refuse to give you the final.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're just gonna bring up this problem and then you're gonna say, absolutely. This is bad podcasting. No.

[Steve Buscemi]

Magneto. No, I can listen.

[Doug Grope]

I'm a businessman. I'm a businessman, Scott. I'm looking for.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying, normally when you go on one of these shows, it's like, you don't see a chef go on a show and be like, okay, well, you know, today I'm gonna make, you know, rabbit stew.

[Doug Grope]

I think they would. Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then they, they go like. But I'm not gonna tell you how. And I've seen that exact Thing.

[Doug Grope]

Thing happened several times. I've seen people go on shows and. And talk about their rabbits.

[Shimmy]

If you eat rabbit stew, you thou.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shalt be a redneck.

[Doug Grope]

If you walk by, say you walked by a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should I buy rabbit stew with my stimulus check?

[Steve Buscemi]

Sounds like $2,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

We shouldn't tape this at dinner time.

[Shimmy]

Where do they sell rabbit stew?

[Doug Grope]

What if you walked by Daryl's ice cream? What if you walked by Daryl?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a Dairy Queen guy.

[Doug Grope]

Oh, I love it.

[Steve Buscemi]

Go to Daryl's.

[Doug Grope]

But I'm thinking of something small town.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Doug Grope]

Small town business. Daryl's ice cream.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Doug Grope]

And if Daryl Queen. If you walk by, would they just give you the ice cream on the outside? Would they throw out little pieces of the ice cream?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would expect to have to go inside to do it, but yeah, they might give it to me.

[Doug Grope]

And then you would have to buy it, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hmm.

[Doug Grope]

I mean, tell me I'm wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

But here's where the metaphor is sort of different. If you were to appear on a podcast and say, I'm an ice cream maker, I would expect you to bring ice cream.

[Doug Grope]

Yeah. And I have brought.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is it you brought? Ice cream.

[Doug Grope]

I have brought ice cream for you guys. I brought Darryl's ice cream for you. And I'm going to hand it out right now. You guys can each taste some of this.

[Shimmy]

Oh, my. Not as good as a hair sandwich, but I'll take it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And when a little gravy on it maybe. Okay.

[Steve Buscemi]

I wish I'd eaten some rabbit stew first.

[Doug Grope]

Now, where do you spend your money? Because. Come on, you're not gonna tell us.

[Scott Aukerman]

So why even bring this up?

[Shimmy]

I have a question. We have a friend named Hector Salamanca, and he has an online shopping addiction. What would you say to him?

[Doug Grope]

I'm gonna tell him right now. Now to lean into it. To sh.

[Shimmy]

More.

[Doug Grope]

Spend everything. Spend what you don't have.

[Shimmy]

File bankruptcy.

[Steve Buscemi]

I think that's.

[Shimmy]

Get a clean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely.

[Steve Buscemi]

That's going to make him say, ding, ding, ding.

[Doug Grope]

Very quickly. I'll give you a taste of what my.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give us something.

[Doug Grope]

Besides, you can slow it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Feel free to slow it down because.

[Doug Grope]

It'S like, I'm going to slow it down. I feel like I'm moving too fast.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you say it that quickly, then suddenly there's no reason to have you on the show.

[Doug Grope]

Anyway, guys, remember this. These are just some ideas. Old money is new money. Go out and find things that you've spent money on and get it back immediately. Number four, go get it.

[Shimmy]

Get refunds.

[Doug Grope]

Get a get A demand refund. Some of that money. Demand refunds on everything you've spent on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Doug Grope]

Whether you've bought something, whether you've.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have to give it back?

[Doug Grope]

No, you take it back and you demand it back.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just demand a refund for every single thing you bought.

[Shimmy]

What if I've had the thing for you years?

[Doug Grope]

You demanded the money back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here, here's. Here's. Here's something, though. Like if. If it even worked 10% of the time. It's like you're getting a 10% raise.

[Doug Grope]

And I. I can tell you right now, it's going to work 100% of the time program.

[Steve Buscemi]

If you go up to somebody and say, I'll murder you if you touch my granddaughter, nine times out of 10, they're going to slap you in the face. But that 10th time, you put them.

[Shimmy]

In a Texas tostada.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys moved on to food.

[Shimmy]

Sodium.

[Steve Buscemi]

Give me more of that ice cream.

[Doug Grope]

Go out and get a massage. Treat yourself to something. But instead of getting a happy ending, get a confusing ending. Get it? Don't get.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that?

[Doug Grope]

A confusing ending is where you look the person in the eye as they're doing it and you offer them dinner. You take them out to dinner and you spend the night with them. You spend the night and you talk about exactly what happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds more like your catch raise is yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Then that must be a redneck shall be.

[Doug Grope]

Sorry, guys. I'm telling you right now. Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are almost toppling on those stilts.

[Doug Grope]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are almost.

[Steve Buscemi]

Be careful.

[Shimmy]

You're gonna touch soil.

[Doug Grope]

You're not gonna believe. I've never. I've never fallen. I've never fallen. I've come in very close.

[Scott Aukerman]

You learn to walk on those things.

[Doug Grope]

I've come. Yeah, I learned to walk on. On stilts.

[Steve Buscemi]

So your parents didn't want you to be a US Citizen, like.

[Doug Grope]

No, they were.

[Shimmy]

So you came out hairy as hell on.

[Doug Grope]

Still not hairy. Just the mother mustache and just a beautiful head of hair and chest hair.

[Shimmy]

And Chester, what shall he be then.

[Scott Aukerman]

If he has all that?

[Steve Buscemi]

If you came out of the womb with just a much beautiful head of hair, Thou shalt be a redneck.

[Doug Grope]

I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you say thou shalt shout S.

[Shimmy]

H o u t. Let it all out.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's just a taste.

[Doug Grope]

That's just a taste. And go to my website.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go to my website, pay for it, and then demand a refund.

[Doug Grope]

Always demand a refund. Although I'm working on that. It might. That could change, but use my coupon code. What do we have to add on 10% to add on 10? If you want to add on 10 to the coffee.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the code?

[Steve Buscemi]

No, I want that code.

[Doug Grope]

Do you want to try.

[Steve Buscemi]

Give us that code.

[Doug Grope]

Do you want to try this? If you want to try this, let me know, brother. All one word. If you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to try this?

[Doug Grope]

If you want to try this, let me know, brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

With a question mark or.

[Doug Grope]

No, no, question mark is all one word.

[Steve Buscemi]

Part of it. All one word.

[Doug Grope]

Yes, that is in it.

[Steve Buscemi]

Okay, so you write out all one word.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want this?

[Steve Buscemi]

And is it all one word but one?

[Doug Grope]

It's a digit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So do you want this? If you want this, let me know, brother. Do you want one word?

[Doug Grope]

No, wrong. Do you want to try this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Try this.

[Doug Grope]

Do you want to try this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me know, brother.

[Steve Buscemi]

All one word.

[Doug Grope]

Again, that.

[Steve Buscemi]

And is that all one word?

[Doug Grope]

But don't sweep me under the Doug. The Doug Dog Biz. I'm sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Biz. Okay.

[Shimmy]

What was wrong on the plane?

[Doug Grope]

What was that?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was wrong on the first plane.

[Doug Grope]

It was cheaper. I got a deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dot com is cheaper than they did.

[Doug Grope]

Charge me more if you try to.

[Steve Buscemi]

Save money on a website by getting it spelled incorrectly. Thou shalt be a redneck.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can only imagine they don't have a lot of call for those Z's. So if you say they're like, yeah, no, the guys, we got plenty of Z's around here.

[Doug Grope]

Yeah, it was Carson. Carson over at Plain Signs. He helped me out, and he said we can. Carson.

[Scott Aukerman]

The last name or the first name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's.

[Doug Grope]

No, I believe it was both.

[Shimmy]

Carson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Carson. Carson. I believe so. Is he the son of Carson Daly or Johnny Carson?

[Doug Grope]

I believe both.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe.

[Doug Grope]

I believe he was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Doug Grope]

I believe he's somewhere in between.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's somewhere in between. I don't know about him, but I do have a suspicion that he shalt be a redneck.

[Shimmy]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes.

[Shimmy]

Yum, yum, yum.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, guys. Well, that's great, Doug. I'm glad you. I mean, you haven't landed on your feet, but you've landed on your stilts through the. Through the pandemic, and you are coming very, very close. You. I. As a matter of fact, I feel like you've swiped to the ground with your toe a couple of times.

[Shimmy]

I've seen. I feel like. I see a little.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to rat you out necessarily.

[Shimmy]

Is that a grass stain on your knee? Because that looks like American soil.

[Doug Grope]

I did. If I'm on Honest, I fell in your front job.

[Shimmy]

How much do you owe in back taxes?

[Doug Grope]

It's so much. It's so much.

[Steve Buscemi]

That's where they get you. When you become an American citizen, you have to pay back taxes for as long as you've been alive.

[Doug Grope]

I could be.

[Steve Buscemi]

That's in the fine print.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Doug Grope]

It's over.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why people shouldn't come to this country. We want them all to stay where they're at.

[Steve Buscemi]

I think people come for the little flags.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, that's a good point.

[Doug Grope]

Oh, I'm sorry. I just lost a little. My baby hair. Did you see that fall out?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. So you're yum yum. So now you're doing the reverse part of the.

[Steve Buscemi]

No hair gets by him.

[Doug Grope]

You ate it right up coming out.

[Shimmy]

Are you going to eat all of that?

[Steve Buscemi]

It's like ringing the dinner bell.

[Doug Grope]

Help yourself. Help yourself, please.

[Shimmy]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, Wet Day is coming to a close. I'm so sorry to say. We only have time for one final feature on the show. And that, of course, is a little something called plugs. I open my pockets at night so I can. So I can see my CBD friends before my eyes. I open my tonight. I open my tonight.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I open my.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, very nice. That was Charles Whitborn with I Opened My Blood Bags at Night. I don't know why it says blood bags. All right, anyway, guys, what do we want to plug here? Obviously, Spike and Ike, you guys granddaughters. You're great. You want to plug your non existent granddaughters?

[Steve Buscemi]

Please believe in our granddaughters and don't go near them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this like a Peter Pan situation? If we applaud enough, your granddaughters will actually come to life or.

[Steve Buscemi]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, everyone out there, if you're listening, give us a round of applause.

[Steve Buscemi]

No granddaughter has appeared yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, they're gonna continue applauding, hopefully. Anything else you want to plug, though?

[Steve Buscemi]

I'm too tired.

[Shimmy]

Yeah, we're too tired. I mean, you can, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too hungry. Too hungry.

[Steve Buscemi]

We're old hungry men.

[Shimmy]

Yes, we're grandparents. Grand family.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about your brother's show? It's coming out this week, isn't it?

[Steve Buscemi]

That's right. If you want brother Mike Ehrman Trout.

[Shimmy]

He's playing himself on Better Call. Better Call Saul. Watch that.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you're not playing yourselves right now.

[Steve Buscemi]

No, no, we're fictionalized. Okay, your brother plays himself on tv, but you're fictionalized. Thou shalt be a Redneck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful. And you. Where can we see this show, by the way?

[Steve Buscemi]

American movie classics.

[Shimmy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I guess. I mean your show of Thou shalt be a redneck. Where?

[Shimmy]

Boardwalk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you guys under it or are you on top? On top of the boardwalk. All right. Congratulations on the boardwalk. On top of the boardwalk and Doug Gropes. What do you want to plug? Yeah, Yeah, I. Well, it's obviously the day after wet day.

[Doug Grope]

Yeah, grop me, but don't sweep me under the Doug.com or D Biz.

[Scott Aukerman]

DEP would be wrong though, you said.

[Doug Grope]

Yeah, it could.

[Scott Aukerman]

That won't lead you to where they need to be.

[Doug Grope]

Right. But they might get. It's a. It's an old website. They'll be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe they'll. They'll refer you to. They'll say, hey, you're at the wrong place.

[Doug Grope]

And the coupon code. Do you want the. Try the. Let me know. All one word. All one word. And also just. I'd like to. I would love to have people go out and watch episodes 9 and 10 of season 1 of MOD. MOD's delay dilemma where she is faced with getting an abortion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Why? So that.

[Doug Grope]

Just to try. Because sometimes like getting people out there to think about things. What's going on in the community.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are these issues important to you or are you. Wait, do you. Did you impregnate your girlfriend recently?

[Doug Grope]

No, I'm just.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want her to watch people.

[Shimmy]

You on the. Those stilts at some.

[Steve Buscemi]

If you're trying not to have a granddaughter, this is the way to go about it.

[Doug Grope]

I just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you on stilts?

[Doug Grope]

Of course I do. Everything is on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they need to be wearing stilts?

[Doug Grope]

Well, I do have.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't imagine the physics would work.

[Doug Grope]

I don't want.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see you guys putting on stilts just because I mentioned it.

[Doug Grope]

It's personal. But I put my penis on stilts. I put my penis. So my penis is on stilts. My hands are on stilts and my feet on stilts during lovemaking. And I don't know. But mod episodes nine and ten. It's mod's dilemma. You'll love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, wonderful. I want to plug. Head over to cbbworld.com to get the full archives of this show as well as ad free episodes. As well as ad free and archives of freedom. And you have the Andy Daily podcast project. You have CBB Presents and you have Scott, as in we just watched Super Mario Brothers with the. With the Get Played crew. Very interesting episode. And we're watching you going for themes.

[Steve Buscemi]

Rather than going for good movies, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

So we're. No. Well, this on Good Friday, which, as we all know, happens right after Wed. Day.

[Steve Buscemi]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're watching the Passion of the Christ this week, so. Oh, wow. So listen to that episode. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Take one hand, put it up, take.

[Shimmy]

The other, put it down. You're gonna make a box.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's time to start to close it. But don't close it too much or.

[Shimmy]

You open up the plug bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're opening up that plug bag.

[Shimmy]

And when you open up that plug.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bag, you open up your heart for.

[Shimmy]

The rest of the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

World. I'm talking open up the plug bag. Oh, okay, that was. And I'm gonna try to get this right. That was Har lebarg with plug Grass. Guys, I want to thank you so much. I want to thank the dearly departed Paul F. Tompkins. He's not dead. He just left. And I want to look. Doug Gropes.

[Doug Grope]

You got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I do. I don't know what, though.

[Doug Grope]

I can't wait to be back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, you. You end up coming back every couple of years.

[Doug Grope]

No, and when I do come back, I want everybody to have watched the mod so we can. We can discuss what went down and see how it kind of relates to everything we do in our life. Financially and not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely. Definitely. And Spike and Ike, thank you for having us. This.

[Shimmy]

Granddaughter.

[Steve Buscemi]

Thank you for having us.

[Scott Aukerman]

You said granddaughter. You didn't even bother with any of your. Your catchphrases like yum, yum, yum. Or that hair.

[Shimmy]

No, I don't keep catchphrases from one segment to the other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? You let them all go?

[Steve Buscemi]

Two ones each segment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What's this segment?

[Shimmy]

Thank you for having us.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your catchphrase. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, Bye.

[Doug Grope]

Calling all sightseers and selfie takers. Welcome to Texas, where a day at our hiking trails will lead to a lifetime of memories. And family road trips become family legends where thrill seekers make a splash into spring fed pools and picky eaters will clean their plates. This is your invitation to visit Texas and see it for yourself. Visit traveltexas.com and plan your family's trip today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's Texas.

[Spike Mink]

Spring's here. Flowers are blooming, birds are singing. And allergies. Yeah, they're back too. Sneezing, watery eyes when they hit, you need a tissue fast. That's where Kleenex Ultra Soft tissues comes in. Whether you're at home or on the go. Kleenex Ultra Soft Tissues have you covered allergist approved Kleenex Ultra Soft Tissues are gentle on your eyes and nose so you can power through allergy season without missing a beat. Because while allergies are unpredictable, staying prepared is easy. For whatever happens Next, grab Kleenex.

[Scott Aukerman]

McDonald's meets the Minecraft Universe and Grimace.

[Steve Buscemi]

Birdie and Hamburglar just spawned in the Overworld. Now, for a limited time, you can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get one of six McDonald's collectibles when.

[Steve Buscemi]

You order a Minecraft movie meal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ooh.

[Steve Buscemi]

With your choice of big Mac or 10 piece McNuggets with spicy nether flame sauce.

[Doug Grope]

Now available at McDonald's at participating McDonald's for a limited time, a Minecraft Movie only in theaters.