Bonus Bang: Plan One: The Scrooge Gang (Jason Mantzoukas, Andy Daly)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Bonus Bang: Plan One: The Scrooge Gang

Date: January 8, 2026
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Jason Manzoukas, Andy Daly (as Byron Denniston, Dalton Wilcox, August Lindt, Hotdog)
Theme: Revisiting Episode 700 – A Landmark, Character-Driven CBB Adventure

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Episode Overview

This riotous milestone episode, originally released as Episode 700, is unearthed from the paywall vault for Comedy Bang Bang’s "Half a Hundo" retrospective. Scott Aukerman celebrates this round number with longtime guest Jason Manzoukas and a cast of absurd recurring characters (Andy Daly in comedic tour-de-force mode), spiraling from royal scandals and end-of-the-world conspiracy to deranged heist plotting and interconnected CBB lore. The episode is a pure distillation of the podcast’s signature: freewheeling, meta-referential, character-packed chaos.
Tone: Surreal, rapid-fire, self-referential, improv-fueled absurdist comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

1. Milestone Reflections & Early Banter

[03:17–07:00]

• Scott welcomes Jason with the classic CBB banter, riffing on the “insect burrito” catchphrase.
• Milestone: Celebrates the 700th episode and reflects on the years-in-the-making journey.
• CBB in its prime: Meta jokes about the show's longevity, round-number episodes ("hundos"), and the absurdity of focusing on timing (“Other shows did 700 quicker, but who cares?”).
• Riffing on eating bugs and cow farts—timely ecological gags with signature Manzoukas energy.

“How long until we're eating bugs?...There is going to come a time where we are using bug proteins in our farts.” – Jason Manzoukas [03:17]

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2. Deep Dive into ’90s & Meta Sitcom Lore

[06:45–08:57]

• Extended Frasier/Cheers analysis, including deadpan confusion about show continuity, alcoholism in sitcoms, and alternate-reality writing staff.
• Jokes about needing "new writers" for your own life.
• Playful speculation about “the Blip” (Marvel Cinematic Universe), with riffs on the possibility of living in an alternate reality podcast.

“Your life needs new writers. It just feels like your writers don’t do any contemporary stuff.” – Jason Manzoukas [08:29]

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3. World Re-Opening, Pandemic Paranoia and Past CBB History

[16:29–19:28]

• Comic processing of the COVID pandemic: re-entry fears, variants, and the show's own timeline adjacent to lockdowns (Jason’s prescient warnings).
• Recap of early lockdown CBB episodes.

“What are you gonna do when the world opens back up?” – Scott
“Cautiously optimistic…Re-entry is going to be slow.” – Jason Manzoukas [17:29]

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4. Meet Byron Denniston, Royal Watcher

[24:29–41:20]

• Scott introduces Byron Denniston (Andy Daly), “royal watcher” from the UK.
• They riff on British/American language differences (“humor” vs “humour”), and joke about the “weirdos” who founded America.
• Byron offers a revisionist and scathing take on America’s founding (“the Brits sent their weirdos”).
• British TV culture: Joking about “The Rusted Board,” “The Sunken Doorknob,” and other fictional English chat shows.
• Switches to talk of royal scandal—teasing explosive insider news.

“When people came over to America…they were weirdos. They were UK weirdos.” – Byron Denniston [25:42]

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5. EXCLUSIVE: Plan One – The Royals’ Apocalypse Scheme

[48:38–54:50, 51:36]

• Byron drops his bombshell insider story:
  • The European royals are about to activate “Plan One”—a mass escape via a spaceship disguised as Dutch city hall (in Alphen aan den Rijn).
  • All European royalty (plus-ones included) will board the craft, launch into space, and nuke Earth.
  • Jokes about options for joining (“marry a royal!”), and the practicality of impersonating Prince Philip.

“Plan One is…all the royalty of Europe ...converge upon the City Hall in Alphen...which looks like a spaceship, and is a spaceship. As it blasts off, it will fire nuclear weapons and destroy the entire planet.” – Byron Denniston [51:36]

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6. The Heist & Caper Movie Planning

[56:07–61:37]

• The crew brainstorms a fake death for Byron so he can abandon the Prince Philip disguise and marry into royalty for a space escape.
• Hilarious digression into heist movie clichés:
  • Villains in masks (“Scrooge Gang”: Ebenezer, Marley, Ghosts of Christmas Past/Present/Future).
  • Inside man in the bank, classic squib/gunplay stunts, discussion of head shots and body doubles.
  • Eye-rolling puns ("blue balls robbery," "eyeball heist").
• The heist plan involves swapping bodies and fooling the royals—a layered send-up of movie logic.

“It’s the classic blue balls robbery—the blue balls robbery done by the Scrooge Gang…” – Scott [61:17]

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7. Soap Opera & CBB Universe Interconnections

[61:41–69:13]

• Ongoing convolutions: Byron’s failed attempt to woo Lady Amelia Windsor (who’s engaged to “Grizzle”) and strategizing his pursuit of Princess Elizabeth (nicknamed “TNT”).
• CBB’s canon awareness: Intertextual riffs on character relationships, “swapping” tropes, and prior episode callbacks.
• Jason and Scott lovingly dunk on the ridiculousness of keeping track of such a tangled narrative.

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8. Dalton Wilcox, Cowboy Laureate & Further Assistance

[77:19–91:00]

• Dalton Wilcox (Andy Daly) joins, rudely awakened underground with a projected text. Now joined at his hideout by wife Irina (in a delightfully offhand aside—reference to Bananas bonus episodes).
• The team now includes a pretzel factory owner (August Lindt) and further plots are hatched: fake funerals, water skiing contests, hot dog-shaped holsters.

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9. Hot Dog Returns: CBB Lore Collides

[102:24–117:15]

• Hot Dog (Andy Daly), champion water skier and Shanana-na obsessive, re-emerges to escalate the mythos.
• Recaps his apocalyptic plan: getting Sha Na Na inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will trigger the literal apocalypse (“Earth Angels will appear and bring end times”).
• Hot Dog reveals his real heart is in his thigh—triggering a failed Zoom-initiated assassination by Dalton.
• The show devolves into increasingly frenzied cross-chatter and meta-breaking attempts to kill off characters through improv code and attempted digital homicide.

“If we can kill Hot Dog before he successfully replaces Sha Na Na with Tina Turner...once again it all comes down to killing Hot Dog. The world lives or dies if Hotdog dies.” – Jason Manzoukas [113:06]

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10. Plug Bag & Finale

[117:42–END]

• Each guest plugs their real or fictional projects:
  • Jason shouts out his animated series “Invincible” (Amazon), “Close Enough” (HBO Max), and “How Did This Get Made?” podcast [118:45].
  • Plugs for “Threeedom,” “Bananas for Bonanza,” and various character endeavors (Schmeiderberg Pretzels, Kickstarter for Sha Na Na, etc.).
• The plug bag theme song is met with horror and delight.
• In true CBB fashion, Dalton finally “shoots” Hot Dog in the thigh—with the suggestion the world is saved, maybe.
• The chaos concludes abruptly (“We got him in the thigh!”), with various guests unceremoniously ejected or murdered, and plugs and goodbyes flying rapid-fire.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Podcast Milestones:
  “To achieve this is no small feat.” – Jason Manzoukas [04:29]

• On Eating Bugs:
  “How long until we're eating bugs? ...I feel like it's coming.” – Jason Manzoukas [08:41]

• On Royal Scandal:
  “You sort of tell yourself stories that your nation was founded by… the most romantically rebellious people of Europe…but it isn’t really that way. It was more that the Brits, sort of, said, ‘We’re tired of these weirders, put them on a ship…’" – Byron Denniston [25:53]

• Plan One Revelation:
  “All the royalty of Europe… are going to converge upon City Hall…which is a spaceship. And as it blasts off…it will fire several nuclear weapons which will destroy the entire planet.” – Byron Denniston [51:36]

• Heist Concepting:
  “We need something iconic for this to really pop...Like the Scrooge gang!” – Scott Aukerman [58:19]

• Hot Dog’s Heart Reveal:
  “I had a decoy heart in my chest…my main heart, the heart that's really doing all the work, is in my left thigh.” – Hot Dog [103:39]

• Breaking the Cycle:
  “Once again it all comes down to killing Hot Dog. The world lives or dies if Hotdog dies.” – Jason Manzoukas [113:06]

• Meta Commentary:
  “We are adults who retain this information. Can you think about the important things we have forgotten—because I don't remember my parents' names and I remember this nonsense.” – Scott Aukerman [76:16]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [03:17] – Insect Burrito catchphrase & bug-eating riffing
• [08:41] – Pandemic re-entry & life’s new “writers”
• [24:29] – Byron Denniston (Royal Watcher) appears
• [41:20] – Byron teases royals’ “explosive news”
• [48:38] – Plan One explained: Royal Exodus in a spaceship
• [56:07] – Bank heist/Scrooge gang movie planning
• [61:41] – The “blue balls”/eyeball heist pitch peaks
• [77:19] – Dalton Wilcox and August Lindt join in
• [102:24] – Hot Dog returns, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame apocalypse lore
• [113:06] – Jason and Scott plot to kill Hot Dog
• [126:10] – Dalton “shoots” Hot Dog in the thigh, saving the world?
• [117:42–124:44] – Plug Bag, meta-commentary, original theme deconstruction

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Conclusion

This episode is a masterclass in the signature CBB blend of improvisational character comedy and surreal, interconnected meta-narrative. Listeners are treated to royal satire, sci-fi doomsday plotting, frenzied heist movie homages, and inside-joke-heavy improv that’s as self-referential as it is absurd. Andy Daly’s parade of characters collides with Manzoukas’s anarchic energy and Scott’s deadpan hosting for a sprawling, hour-plus comedic universe—one that’s impossible to explain succinctly, but that rewards loyal fans and drop-ins with relentless invention and hilarity.

Perfect for:

• Longtime CBB-lore nerds
• Fans of madcap character comedy
• Anyone wanting to know how Sha Na Na, the royal family, and a blue-eyeball heist could, against all logic, intersect.

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“Horny! She’s got a great ass!” – [71:35] – Scott Aukerman, summing up both the irreverence and the spirit of absurdity that defines this landmark Comedy Bang Bang installment.

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Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Jason Manzoukas]

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[Jason Manzoukas]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think this one's still good?

[Scott Aukerman]

Free milk. Oh, mate, that expired in 1993.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dang it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fortunately, there are better ways to save money. Like by switching to Geico, you could save about $900 on car insurance without ever touching a coupon. Ooh, how about this one?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Half off floppy disks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you should try a bit of spring cleaning. It feels good to save big. It feels good to Geico.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. And well, fans of Comedy Bang Bang know we have a big milestone episode coming up very soon. Our 950th episode. And in anticipation of that, this week's bonus bang and the next few bonus bangs are in a series called Half a Hundo. We're going to revisit landmark episodes where we broke off another 50 half a hundo, namely episode 700, 750 and 800. Now, this episode is called Plan One, the Scrooge Gang. And it was originally released on April 4, 2021 as episode 700. And in this episode, I'm joined, of course by Jason Manzoukas. And our guests are royal watcher Byron Denniston, poet laureate of the West, Dalton Wilcox, pretzel maker Aug Lint and champion water skier hot dog, all played by Andy Daly. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as other shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen the neighborhood. Listen, college town. So many other shows over there. Become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live show we've ever done ad free new episodes, more original shows. And you know we're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus ban. If I'm snug as a bug in a rug, wrap me up. I'm an insect burrito. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to resubmit re my tit for that catchphrase. I knew that would get an oh, boy from our guest. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How long until we're eating bugs? Real question. Real question. Like, for real. There is going to come a time where we are using bug proteins in our farts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. We need to stop eating meat upon. From the farting cows upon which tread upon this planet.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Any of the cows, to be honest with you. The ones that. The ones that don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. The farts are the problem. The methane.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You keep saying that your dream job is cow fart inspector.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Collector. Collector.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Collector. Is that why you keep ordering mason jars?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These are just jars from my friend Mason, by the way, these are not like official mason jars. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. By the way, we. This is episode 700.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Incredible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

700. A little under 12 years ago, we started this show and this is the 700th episode. We are closing out another hundo. Of course, we're not breaking off another hundo. That will be next week. But an incredible achievement in podcasting. Other than most podcasts that started around the same time have done it way earlier. But yeah, yes, we're doing good, so.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, who cares about the timing? You know, the. The. The. To achieve this is no small feat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No small feet. And speaking of no small feet, here's the guy with big ones. And you know what that means. He is in the movie John Wick 3, where he plays the TikTok man. Of course. He was on our Comedy Bang Bang. Almost a comedy death ray. He was in our Comedy Bang Bang Live tour episode from Chicago where he played the dink Dink man.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dink dink.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mr. Wick. Wait, is the Dink Dick man in the John Wickoverse?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Listen, chapters four and five of John Wicker shooting. Is the Dink Dick man in? I won't. I'm neither here. I'm neither confirming nor denying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That always means you're confirming.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what? You don't. Don't print that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay? I will not print that. Yes. This is the one part I know every. Yes. Ding, ding, Mr. Wick, every week we send out the transcripts of the show for our hearing impaired listeners.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so this unfortunately will not be in that transcript. There will just be a big black.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Bar cutting the transcript. And you know what? It's Been like, you know that you can get transcripts for any TV show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course, yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Not just Oprah. I've been reading all of Frasier and it's so fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's so eruditely written.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's so fun to read Frasier transcripts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, the actors did a good job. We're not discounting them.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know, I don't even know. I don't even know who the actors on the show were. I've just cast it myself in my mind.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would it surprise you to learn that one of them was Kelsey Grammer?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, my, that's. That is interesting. The character Frasier from Cheers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's the same Frasier.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, so Frasier in the TV show is related to Frasier from Cheers?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, he's not just related, my dear boy. He is the one and the same. He is the exact same human being, although blown out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Blown away, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's incredible because mind blown. They never do bring that up in any of the episodes, do they? He's just kind of there in Seattle and they're like, do.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Every once in a while he will reference.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One of his pals.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Haunt that I used. Or Exactly. An old friend once told me, or I used to have a local bar kind of thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, the other thing about Frasier, and I don't want to get too into the weeds on Frasier before I introduce you, but he used to drink. He was basically a functioning alcoholic on that show as everyone on Cheers.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Miserable. He was a miserable individual.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. So he's there at a bar literally every afternoon. He sees his last patient at like 2:30, and then he's like, well, time to go hit Cheers. And he stays there all fucking night. He gets to Seattle, you never see him drink ever again.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, he drinks like wine with Niles. He's like, he's got it. But yes, you're right, he does not. There isn't a bar inside. Interestingly, the only bar inside the Frasier universe is his father's regular bar, Dukes. Which is. Which is another blue bar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dukes. Does he? Frasier?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because, like, he only goes once. There's a very. There's a. There's an episode of Frasier where the dad invites the boys to get a drink at Duke's, and the boys lose their minds because they're like, dad's never asked us to get a drink before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, how many pages was that one?

[Jason Manzoukas]

That one? I read that one recently and it was, you know, they're all. They're all about like 40 pages. Or so anyway, so they all go to Duke's and the dad really welcomes them. And it's very heart. Well, very heartfelt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But why would a guy move to Seattle and then change his. Everything about his whole life? Because if I'm a guy who goes to a bar every single day around 3 o' clock in the afternoon, every day of my life, do I stop going to bars when I move to Seattle just because it's different? It's a different city?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, here's the thing. Yes. If a different set of writers write that show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I got to get a different set of writers to write my show. You got my life.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Your life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your life needs to write out the alcoholic part of it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Your life needs new writers. It's like truly a little.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, everything going on in the world is super interesting and my life is very, very boring.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because your life is like a lot about blogs. It just feels old. It feels like it's. It feels like your writers. Your writers don't any contemporary stuff. But for real, how long until we're eating bugs? I really want to know. I feel like it's coming.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You say we all are eating bugs. Do you mean every human being on earth or do you just. Because there are a lot of people who do eat bugs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, no, no, I'm saying. I'm saying it will be. Yes. No, I know there are people and cultures that continue to eat bugs. And that's. That. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about like, you know, having flour that is made of pulverized bugs. Having, you know, like that is going to be, I think, as we try.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And move that we eat. I never would have thought we would have eaten. When I was a kid, I was like, never in my life will I ever do that. But then you develop a taste for it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But yeah, you developed a taste for it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I mean, you know, I grew up the. The child descendants of farmers.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How long until we're all e.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every morning you start off, have a cup.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of joe, a couple of bugs and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some plate of pussy. This is a dream life. I don't know. Who knows. Who knows what changes will make a.

[Jason Manzoukas]

French press, grill up a couple of roaches and chow down on some pussy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Still going on this great.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This might be the pilot episode of Talking Tang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we might be in Talking Dang. We're just going to slowly segue. We have been over the past 12 years into talking Tang. You know him, of course, from such movies as the Dictator can't remember any other ones.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You've already given credits. You're going. You're going to give more credits now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just to reframe exactly who's Talking. Look who's Talking as well. You've seen him in look who's Talking where he played a baby Bruce Willis that a lot of people don't know that you were the baby that Bruce Willis voiced in look who's Talking three.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, I played the baby at that point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I was young enough to be the baby that, you know, and it's. Here's a behind the scenes. I recorded at the time all those lines and so. But I was. They just voice recast me with Bruce Willis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not too far off to. To think that they would have gone with the guy who did number one and number two.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And I did both of those in my diaper every day on set.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, there we go.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But also release the Manzoukas cut. You know, release cut of look who's Talking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look who's Talking three With Manzoukas baby.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know, there is a Look who's Talking three. It's called look who's Talking as well. Or also. And it's about the dog starts talking. Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, I mean, so number two is they introduce Rosie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Donnell. Yeah. But in the one that you did, the dogs are talking as well.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The dogs are talking as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. It's like. Well, because they had to continually answer the question, look who's talking now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can you believe? And if they keep going, logically, we're going to get to a point where, like, inanimate objects are going to have to start talking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bugs will start talking as we put.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Them into our mouths, as we pulverize them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As we pulverize them into the flour.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think bug flour would be fine. I mean, all it's going to take is one time for people to actually taste it and be like, yeah, this is fine. And then the nutritional value. Yeah, exactly. The nutritional value will, you know, and then people will just be into it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

In a way that, like alternative milks have. Now. Now it's an extra milk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is this dripping milk?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. These are like all the hits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is definitely milking Pussy Pee Poo. And now milk around the corners.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, this is already solid stuff anyway. But alternative milks have, like, really made a dent in the marketplace in a way that, you know, 12 years ago or whatever, a number of years ago it was like a joke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even four years ago it was A little, like, you know, I don't even know what I'm saying.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What are you saying? Four years ago?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not four years ago.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Four years is nothing. In the blip.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Four years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I lost track of all time.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. We're living in the blip. We're living in the Marvel. We're in the Marvel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if this was the blip? Like, what if the Marvel.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's the blip?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Suddenly, everyone, no one just disappeared from consciousness. They just went to an alternate reality where some weirdo is president and.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can I ask you a question? What if this is not. What if this is episode 700 of Comedy Blip Bang?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. Please don't tell me that Comedy Blip.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Bang is like a podcast that exists in the blip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please tell me Comedy Bang Bang exists in the real world.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We don't know because we're still not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wasting my entire life.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Comedy Blip Bang. Welcome back to Comedy Blip Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy Bleep Bang as well, where just almost every other word is bleeped. But you know him from such movie. Look, I'm running out of credits. What have you done? You know him from the League of Their Own.

[Jason Manzoukas]

There's no crying in fantasy football.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many times did anyone try to slip that into a scene? And the creators are like, hey, could you guys cut it out?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think never.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, let's just introduce him right now. You know him from being on the show right now. Please welcome Jason Manukas.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Thrilled, thrilled.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wonderful to have you 700 with you. I. I love to have you on the hundos. And would it surprise you to know that today is Easter Monday?

[Jason Manzoukas]

That does surprise me. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. I was surprised that there is a thing that is Easter Monday. I don't know whether.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm sorry, I didn't even know Easter Monday was a thing. I thought you were just, like, mentioning it's the Monday after Easter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't know it popped up on my calendar. And I think I have a setting on my calendar of, like, list all holidays. And Easter Monday is today, which makes me believe it's a post office holiday. Maybe just more of a federal kind.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of thing, but so it doesn't connote. There isn't, like, a religious component of Easter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. I mean, what happened? Yeah, what happened the day after he, you know, pushed that stone aside and was like, I'm back, baby. Was he, like, chilling on Monday, like, okay, now it's time for some Netflix and chill. Hey, of course. I mean, you know, Stone Age Netflix.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Or Bible Said, I'm back, baby. I thought he said, somebody stop me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they're like, do we need to crucify this guy again?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, because I. I think you're confusing it, because I do know that when he was on the cross, he did say, I'll be back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He truly did. And that was the first time he'd ever said it. And it was funny. And then he kind of ran it into the ground after that. Yeah, but how many days was it that he was outside of that cave and then until he, like, floated up into the sky?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, they. They. They put him in. They put him in the cave and they put a rock over it. And then three days later, they pushed it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They put a ring on it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They put a ring on it. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then three days later.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, three days later, they opened it up and he was gone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Died on a Friday. I feel like this is Solomon Grundy. Died on a Friday. Rose on a Sunday. On Monday, he hung out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, on Monday. On Monday, I think he broke down. I think it was. I think it might have been a bro down hoedown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It certainly may be. Which we, you know, you and I definitely have to do. I think this may be a bro down hoedown.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, so far, it's basically a bro. The only truly we haven't talked about, which we always threaten to, is comics.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we can't talk about comics, though. We don't have time to do that. No one wants to hear us talk about comic in a weekly show.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We'll save it for our episode of we talking CBs to CBB pals. Re CBs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Jason, it's always great to have you, especially on a holiday like this one. And April is among us, certainly. And April is among us. And Morch is in the rear view, of course. And we no longer have to worry about that. Are you excited for the world to open back up? It seems like we're on the cusp of things.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Cautiously optimistic. You know, I think on one of my. One of our last in person. One of my last in person activities was an episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like I believe it was. That was episode 650, I believe, which we.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Inside the Earwolf Studios.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Which we taped mere days before lockdown.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And I was consumed with the fact that we were going into lockdown and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We didn't believe you. We were like, jason, you hypochondriac.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yep. You guys mocked me. And I was like, just you wait, you'll see. And I tapped my fingertips together and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You see, we mocked your physical appearance, too, more than just what you were saying. We were like. We sort of got Lorenzo Lamas with you. We got like a laser pointer and we're like pointing out parts of your body that we didn't like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is that a thing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was a reality show where Lorenzo Lamas, like, people stripped. It was. I think it was Hot or Not baby. Where people stripped down to their underwear and then the judges would, like, have laser pointers and Lorenzo Lamas was one, and he would point out parts of their body which were too fat or too weird shaped or something.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Got it, got it, got it, got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are you on ebay right now? Looking for old episodes. Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And whether you said hot or not and. Okay, great. There's a. There is a hot or not laser pointer. I just ordered it by it now. Anyway, I can't remember what we were just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, we were talking about the world opening up. What's the first thing you're going to do?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think you know what I mean. I think it's going to be much as I was very conservative about. I think we're going to go into a very long lockdown. I'm still pretty conservative about how we're going to open up. I still think, you know, they just found a new mutant variant. A new. They just found a new mutant. Sunspot and Wolfsbane and Cannonball are going to check it out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Bill Sienkiewicz is working in the character design right now. This is comic talk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Of course. We can't do this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We cannot. Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No one wants to hear that from us.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We're not talking about the Demon Bear saga.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Why would we? That's not what people want to listen to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But I. I think the ro. I think re entry is going to be slow. I think, you know, are now open. I'm not going to go to the movies yet. I'm not going to go. I'm not going to go nuts. It's. I don't feel like it's. There's still.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're not going to crazy go nuts?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of course I'm not going to go crazy go nuts. There's still lots of people who aren't vaccinated. The virus is still going to circulate. Even if you have been vaccinated, you can still get it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So what I'm excited to do is sit in, like the backyard once.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can do that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now, I don't like to. I Don't like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't like sitting in the backyard, but you're looking forward to it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm looking forward to sitting in the back. No, no, I don't like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I wouldn't do it right now. I mean, you sitting in your bed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. That's what I'm saying.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, you didn't. You didn't let me finish.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was. Yes, I was making the joke that I wasn't letting you finish inside.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I see, I see. I see. One of your classics.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm looking forward to this being over and you understanding things that I'm saying.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm. Listen, I'm looking forward to this being over. I. E. Life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, we only have a short time on this planet. Tomorrow is not promised a tiny spec on the comparatively. You know, when you, when you look at, I don't know, clouds or whatever. No clouds. Cloud slides. Okay. Far shorter than we do. Right. Well, you could be a cloud, so, you know, you could.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is that an option?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You could be a cloud.

[Jason Manzoukas]

If you cloud.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm talking about cumulus nimbus. You might be a cloud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is. You've. I mean, I know I say this a lot, privately and publicly. You need to get back to stand up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I really, really.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You need to re.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Engage this, by the way, Jason and I talk every single week on a Zoom. And this is us, like, this is running out of. Running out of things to say.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is just it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unless really, this is what it is every week.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is what it is. It's just tormenting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And no one wants to hear these weekly zooms we have. So we're not even going to put.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Those, especially not if we're talking about like Hellboy or Invincible. Of course not Moon Knight or any of that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I will say, Jason, you were the person who, when all of this first started happening, and you were one of the last episodes to tape in the studio number 650, which I believe had Dalton Wilcox and August Lindt and Hogg. Oh, I shouldn't say his name. I retract that. But I was sort of of the opinion of, like, what do you think this will be next?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Devin, can you bleep out that name in the edit, please?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we. We can't say, of course, can't do that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So just keep bleeping it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll just keep bleeping it. Otherwise he'll show up. But you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I. I said, are you still working on that song? Keep bleeping it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I keep bleeping it. It's all about a song where there's a lot of curse words and I'm with.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The engineer knows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please, please.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I know what I'm saying is egregious, so I'm going to need you to keep bleeping.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have no plans to release the unbleeped cut, so please keep.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Chorus is. Keep bleeping it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you were. I said, what do you think this will be, like, six weeks, two months, we're back in. And you were one of the only people I knew who was like, oh, no, this is gonna be like, we're. We're in for a year at least. And so you. You were one of the people that made me take this seriously and sort of mentally prepare to hunker down and look at.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Look. And it's been now more than a year. It's crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

More than a year. And. But.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But I do think. And I don't want to sound like a real downer, because I do actually gen. Genuinely believe we are the worst is. Barring some kind of outrageous thing that we just don't see coming. I do think we're on the other side of it. I think the worst is behind us. There is actionable light at the end of the tunnel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There would have to be something truly nutrageous to. To happen. Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yep. Yep. The Yep, yep. You know, I fully. You know, I listen to the news or I turn on the news every day just expecting them to say something nutrageous has arrived. And, you know, while they snack on that candy first, by the way, first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anchor to substitute the word nutrageous for outrageous wins, as far as I'm concerned.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What do they win, though? Tell them what they win, Scotty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not quite sure. Let's see. We've given away memberships for life to CISO on this show before.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, that's smart.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ciso's life, not your life. Well, Jason, it's wonderful to have you on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Release the CISO Cut.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Seriously, Release all the CISO shows. That's actually a hashtag.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is actually a hashtag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love to get going. Jason, it's wonderful to have you on the show.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Thank you, Scott, for having me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, I want you to stay here. We, of course, cannot do a true brodown hoedown because we have another guest booked, and I hope that's okay with you. But. And I don't think that you have ever met this person, if I'm remembering correctly, which, you know, who knows if that is what is occurring right now, but he is a. I mean, I guess there's no other way to describe him other the way than the way he describes himself, which is a royal watcher. He's from merry old England, the United Kingdom. He is a citizen of that country that has Brexited so recently. Please welcome to the show and for the first time meeting Jason Manzoukas. Please welcome to the show Byron Denniston.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, gentlemen. Hello, lads. How are you over there? As we say, Byron the pond. Yes. Coming to you from London.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's funny because it's an ocean, but you guys call it a pond, like it's a little pond thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, precisely. It's a bit. It's a bit of humor, you know, with a U. With a U, absolutely. We spelled the word correctly with it with an O and a U. And then of course, the R, which we both agree upon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you think that was? When people came over to America, they were like, I'm tired of not being able to be, you know, worship the way that I want to worship. I'm tired of taxes and I want to drop these superfluous you's. In some words, not all words.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's correct. Yes. I think the Americans simply didn't understand why you might have a. You there. The Americans are not very complex or nuanced thinkers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, they weren't always American. What about these people? They started as you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I feel like they were stripping it down. I feel like they were like, stripping it down to its essentials. They were like, we don't need the youth were just fine with these O's.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can see that they were just very confused. You know, a lot of them were kicked out of England, you know, for being weird in one way or another or, you know, terrible or stupid or hideous in some way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't know that. I thought that they just had sort of an independent streak that most Americans have had passed down to them. But they were weirdos. They were like UK weirdos.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, that was the idea. You know, you sort of tell yourself stories that your nation was founded by the sort of the most romantically rebellious people of Europe who've come to America. But it isn't really that way. It was more that the more that the Brits sort of said, we're tired of these weirders, put them on a ship and send them, and knowing that most of them will die in transit, which in fact they did, and that those that survived the trip will be slaughtered by the indigenous peoples and whatnot, and they'll be surprised by winter. Do you know how many of the early settlers of the Americas was surprised by winter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, winter happened in the uk, so why would they be so surprised?

[Scott Aukerman]

Good question. And yet again and again they were, they suddenly said, well, we haven't got any food, have we, because it's winter and it won't grow. They all died.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where did they land? Did they land in the springtime or something? And so they had like, they were like, this is beautiful here. And then suddenly six months later, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Believe they got there just as fall was turning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So really enjoying beautiful time to be in New York.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Just, you know. Cause I think a lot of people don't know. The first settlers that came were the original leaf peepers. They were like, we've got to go see the leaves change color. It's so beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. So half of them died on the trip and then about a quarter of them were slain by indigenous peoples.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so we're talking. There's a rough 25% who are, who are. Who've made it there to Plymouth Rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Precisely. And they, and they said to themselves, well, all right, here it is, you know, October, whatever, November, let's get to planting. And then. And in comes the frost, which they absolutely did not anticipate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These are stupid people. Like, why didn't they leave earlier and start planting so that when they got there it was spring and they're like, okay, let's start now. And then they would have food everywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because they were stupid. Scott is my point.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Byron, I'm curious just on a cause. Scott introduced you before as a royal watcher and we find ourselves right now embroiled in royal. Broiled indeed, in quite a scandal. And as someone who is. Is not dialed into that at all. This is not my area of knowledge. I'm curious. I'm actually grateful you're here because I've heard it mentioned anecdotally on some po. On some zooms I've been on and so forth. So I'm actually really grateful that you can help us understand what has happened with this. The royals and the Meghan Markle and Prince Harry scandal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Byron, you've been on the show before and you've let us in on the comings and the goings of the palace.

[Scott Aukerman]

Indeed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I seem to remember, wasn't it you talking about how the king was a stutterer and he had to give a big speech? Oh no, that's the king speech. I was getting you confused with a movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're confusing me with a fine Oscar nominated film.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sir is not Oscar winning though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you, were you upset about that, about that. It did not win the Oscar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

In fact.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And ever since then, I've not watched the Oscars.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, the Oscars. I was gonna say a movie.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What is your opinion, Byron, about the Netflix series the Crown, which is itself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it accurate? Is it what you've seen over there?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's absolutely absurd. It's a complete fiction. It's ridiculous. The people on the. What you have on that show, gentlemen, is people depicted, but not by the actual people who they're meant to be. In other words, I believe that they've cast actors in most of the roles. Most of the role have been cast with actors.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. No, no, it's not a documentary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, right, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a fictional narrative that.

[Scott Aukerman]

There you are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Based on true events, but based upon.

[Jason Manzoukas]

True events as we understand them. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's absurd. It's absolutely terrible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think they should have cast Prince Charles as Prince Charles?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, they should have at least made the offer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I know for a fact he is offer only.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He is offer only.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know for a fact that Charles in particular is a bit sore about that. That at no time was he approaching to play himself. And who better?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who better as the guy who lived it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Indeed. And he can look quite young, you know, if they can. That's the issue.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do you mean? How could he look quite young?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, he makes himself look quite young. Or are you saying in the. Like how Martin Scorsese and the Irishman de aged some of his older stars.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He made everyone have young faces, and yet they still have the same creaky old bodies and are moving around carrying.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Themselves like elderly men.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I thought that was a powerful statement on the nature of aging.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so you haven't seen that movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was intentional. Yes, but. Well, sometimes late at night, Prince Charles will get a sort of a contraption going where he tapes his excess skin behind his ears, and he'll sort of brush some hair dye into his hair and dye his eyebrows and he'll dance about and he looks very young and virile.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And how do we know this? Because I haven't seen this in any of the gossip rags, like the sun and all that. How do you know this? Didn't know this was an official thing that happens with Prince Charles?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I have sources and methods that are, shall I say, rather unconventional.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right. I'm sort of remembering you in previous episodes. What are those? Or I guess, do you have, like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Informants in, like, the staff at the castle or something?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, yes. I also am very familiar with the system of dumbwaiters. And very often, simply, I'm literally in the walls a lot of the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You said you're familiar with the sister of dumbwaiters. I was trying to figure that out. But it's a system of dumb waiters.

[Scott Aukerman]

System of dumb waiters. So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're saying my brother is a dumb waiter. He does really well for himself.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what? You should meet my sister. What's she do? She's a dumbwaiter. Oh, I think that's rude.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's a dumb waitress. Do you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So do you use. I mean, it's. You're saying you're. Inside the walls are royal residences full of. Of portraits with those empty eye holes that you can kind of look through?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, they do. But these people are extremely intelligent and perceptive, and so when you're done looking through the empty eye holes of a portrait, you must replace the eyes with.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Painted eyes or with someone like human eyes. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, of course they have to be human eyes, because when my eyes are in there, they're human eyes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

The point of it is to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can't just replace it with painting eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no.

[Jason Manzoukas]

People would notice the difference. They'd say, earlier that painting was looking at me with human eyes, and now it's looking at me with painted eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you know when. Whenever you see a piece of taxidermy or something like that, it has glass eyes. And the reason for that is that eyes will decompose. And so I. I have to go. I'm acquiring eyes all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can only imagine that if. If one were to exhume Sammy Davis Jr's grave, there was. Everything would be gone by now other than just that glass eye at the bottom of his coffee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now, Byron, I'm curious about something. I am curious about something you just mentioned about how you are constantly collecting eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. I guess I just didn't really. I wanted to make my Sammy Davis Jr. Yes comment, and I didn't really listen to that. Yeah, you're collecting eyes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what we're doing both. I let you have your Sammy Davis, Jr. Moment, but I'm curious about these eyes that you are, quote, constantly collecting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you see, there are. I don't even know the number. So scores and scores of portraits through which I will occasionally peep at the various Balmoral, of course, the portraits, and at Windsor Castle and all the various royal residences. And so I need a steady stream of actual human eyes coming into my operation in order to stay well informed on the goings on of the royal family. And so I have arrangements with certain hospitals if someone has died and if they're not an organ donor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How often do people not die in a hospital? It seems like every day. Yes, you say if someone dies in a hospital.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Not to be morbid, but this year must have been gangbusters for your eye business.

[Scott Aukerman]

It has been fantastic. And as a matter of fact, I've got now a freezer full of eyes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoa, a whole freezer?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, Byron, yes, it's a commercial freezer, you understand?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Commercial grade?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, this is a commercial grade freezer.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like restaurant grade freezer.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what I mean, yes, a restaurant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it a walk in?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it a walk in?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, it's a walk in. I have a walk in freezer in my home, mind blown full top to bottom. And I wish that I had started putting them in boxes or something like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wait, they're loose.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So they're just loose. Wait, so you don't even have them coated by color?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. And I wish that I had begun that way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So when you open the door, does it. Just like, I'm afraid, steady stream of eyeballs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So when you pick. Okay, so now I have a real question, Byron. When you pick an eye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And let's say you pick up an eye and it's a blue eye, do you think I need to go through this freezer and find its matching blue eye? Or will you just take.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or will any other color do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, in actuality, because my eyes are blue and it's my eyes peeking through the painting. All of the eyes, all the eyes are blue.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The eyes are blue.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's simpler.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, it is simpler. However, there are of course different shades of blue and I will sometimes spend hours looking for just the right shades.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Trying to get an exact match. Yeah. So is there ever a time when you call up these hospitals and you say, hey, any blue eyed patients in there about to croak? And they're like, no, we got this one guy, he's got blue eyes, but he's probably gonna get better. Do you ever try to, I don't know, is there some sort of deal you can work out with them, to nudge them along?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but I prefer not to do it because it's very expensive. You know, it's one thing to ask someone, you know, to pay someone to please get, get me the eyes of a cadaver, it's. It's another proposition to Say, please kill this patient. So I may have their eyes. And it's not that it can't be done. Yes, yes. It's just that it is. It's quite a bit more expensive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So how are. How are the relatives of these people who die? Why are they not noticing it? In open casket situations, I guess are all. I guess dead bodies do have their eyes closed, don't they? Now that I know, the few times I've been to funerals, they always have. That would be very strange if they're just looking up at you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

If they were just like placed in a. Placed in an upright position, eyes open.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if they're in the Burt Rack Reynolds cosmopolitan position with a bag over their penis?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. They never do it. No. But you can take a cotton ball and stick it in there and then sew the eyelids shut and that makes it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That gives the bulge. Because you need the bulge, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

You'd rather have the bulge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Because I guess without the eyeball you have like a sunken in socket and that's very noticeable.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Nobody wants a sunken socket.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, certainly not. No. But anyway, yes, those are my sources and methods. Another thing I'll do sometimes is disguise myself. For instance, there was photo that made the rounds of Queen Elizabeth's husband, Prince Philip, coming back from the hospital and looking rather old and rather ill. But that wasn't him, it was me.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes, indeed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bit of makeup and I've been, you know, loitering about the Buckingham palace posing as a gravely ill elderly man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So what happened to the real Prince Philip?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, let's just say his eyes are peeping out of a painting. Windsor, Castle Rock.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dead ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

I beg your pardon?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For real?

[Scott Aukerman]

For real, yes. His eyes are very close in shade to my own.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh my God, that is incredible. Who's your makeup artist? Is it like a Rick Baker situation or are you applying this yourself?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I. Whoa. I can't apply it myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, so are you currently impersonating Philip?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I am currently impersonating.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All the time?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yes, a lot of the time.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. Wow. So that's gotta be also like a pretty significant time commitment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, you know Eddie Murphy in the nutty professor chair? That took hours. Are you doing the same kind of thing and who's applying it to you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mostly keep it on. I've got a team of makeup specialists. Yes, a team of makeup specialists who've been flown in from Bollywood. As a matter of fact, I brought them through.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I didn't want them to be, you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Know, too Familiar to know too much about what's going on with.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. I wanted them to be confused because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course I'm telling you that this is some sort of interesting project, like an actual movie they're making.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do they think, is it possible they think they're working on the crown?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's. Who knows what they think? They, they speak some other strange language. But yes, and, but I, the answer is that I rarely take the, the makeup off and I'm just there all the time. I, I, I don't, I don't have it on now and it will have to be reapplied tomorrow. And right now the only reason I can turn is because they feel that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They went out to a movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. Prince Philip has a habit of wandering off. And so right now, I dare say everyone at Buckingham palace is in a tither searching for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you just wandered off to your podcast.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He's on a wander.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, he's wandered off, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, well, thank you so much for being on the show. I appreciate it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, my pleasure. And I am very much in demand as a royal watcher with a. Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can only imagine. I mean, Jason. Yeah. Byron here appears on shows and what else?

[Jason Manzoukas]

What you might call chat shows in the uk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right. Chat shows and whatnot. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're very busy presenters.

[Scott Aukerman]

It'll be me and a presenter on a chat show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Instead of at the weekend.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sure. Like you and like an Alan Partridge might have a conversation in front of a crowd.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like how English shows all have like very strange old timey names, like the old gray whistleblower test.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's so strange to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's a fine show. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are some other popular shows that are out there?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sometimes I'll appear on the rusted board.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The rusted board.

[Scott Aukerman]

The rusted, rusted board.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Which is really strange because when you think of a board, it's wood. So how could it rust?

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly, exactly. And that's what people gets, people tuning in every week.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's why you tune in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And yet everyone in the country watches these.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tens of millions of people every week.

[Scott Aukerman]

The sunken doorknob, sometimes the sunken door knob.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So how does anyone open the door?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, exactly. You've got to tune in and find out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. Well, I know you're very in demand, but look, we have to take a break, if that's okay. Can you stick around? And we want to ask you questions about what's going on with the royal family. Right. Now that we know your process, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have explosive news for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

And exclusives.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is exclusive. You have. I have.

[Jason Manzoukas]

With the other exclusive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were not on WTF earlier in the day with this?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, he's. He wouldn't book me.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You haven't been on any other podcasts talking about this?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have not. This is the first time. But this comes out on Monday, April 5th.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. April 5th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I may squeeze in something more immediate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please don't. It's just an exclusive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we'll see how it goes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, well, we need to take a break. When we come back, we will have more from Byron Denniston. As long as it's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, please, please, please don't tell me. Wait, wait, don't tell me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love. Wait, wait, don't tell me. I really think I would get 5 for 5 in the news quiz.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Please don't, please, please, please don't tell me. It's Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. But please, please stick around. We will be right back with more Byron Denniston, more Jason Manzoukas. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. 7. Happy New Year. That's right, a new year is just about to be here. We have colder days. Well, this is the moment that your winter wardrobe really has to deliver. Right. So if you're craving a winter reset, start with pieces truly made to last season after season. And Quince brings together premium materials, thoughtful design and enduring quality so you can stay warm, look sharp, and feel your best all season long. Their outerwear is especially impressive. Each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship, and ethical production. I got a bunch of stuff from Quince right now. I have a really good jacket that I've been trotting out during the holiday season. I love the outerwear wear. Everything is so good and so comfy and looks good. Every time I wear something, my wife says, who's that from? And I say, quince, my dear lady. And then I bow and she curtsies. It's a whole thing that we have. Anyway, refresh your winter wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com Bang Bang for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada to that's Q U I n c e.com Bang Bang. Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bang Bang. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Boy, I tell you, I. I'm looking Forward to getting rid of some stuff around the house for 2026. For instance, the crib that we've been using, we're finally getting rid of that. We're phasing in a big girl Ben bed. That's going to make me feel lighter in 2026, right? Well, a new year is a new opportunity to feel lighter and you don't have to become a new person to do it. Signing up for therapy with Better Help can shine a light on what's been weighing you down and illuminate possibilities for the year ahead. Better Help handles the initial therapist matching work for you. All you have to do is just take a short questionnaire. This questionnaire is super short and and you share your needs and your preferences. And thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the very first time. And you know what? If your match isn't the right fit, switching to a different therapist is super easy. Let BetterHelp provide you an unbiased perspective on your life so you can head into the new year taking only what truly serves you. You can't step into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space. Sign up and get 10 off. BetterHelp.com Bang Bang. That is BetterHelp.com Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Jason Manzoukas]

Switch to T Mobile and save up.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Jason Manzoukas]

Mobile is in US cellular stores.

[Scott Aukerman]

Savings versus Comparable Verizon plans plus the cost of optional benefits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Plan features in Texas and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third.

[Scott Aukerman]

Line free via monthly bill credits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Credit stop if you cancel any lines.

[Scott Aukerman]

Qualifying credit required.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy Bang bang. We're back here with Jason Manzoukas of the Massachusetts Manzoukases. Yes, that's difficult to say even one time, let alone five times. And fast, fast.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, give it a try.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't even start. Massachusetts Manzoukas. Massachusetts Manzoukas's Massachusetts man. Can't do it. Can only make it through two stuff. Tough stuff.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now you got to eat those bugs. Eat those bugs. Eat those bugs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean that was a thing on Fear Factor just eight years ago and suddenly next year we're all going to be eating bugs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, but that was like eating live bugs. You know what I mean? Like I'm talking about when will. To be clear, I'm talking about when will bugs be a part of our like, of our how we make.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, like you keep bugs in the refrigerator.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm not saying we're going to open up like a box of live, you know, earwigs and start chomping down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does make for a very different Bug's Life franchise.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah. Pigs are short.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're in danger being eaten the entire time.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Munch, munch, munch, nom nom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We also have Byron Dennison here, who is a royal watcher. He's from the uk. And how was that Brexit for you, by the way?

[Scott Aukerman]

Brexit? No, Well, I thought it was fine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, it's the British exit is what I'm talking about, for people who don't know what it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, indeed. No, I, I, you know, Britain is obviously superior in every way to every other nation of Europe and the rest of the world. And so it made perfect sense to me not to be lumped in with the rest of them, you know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Yeah. Because you guys use the pound, you don't use the euro. Yes, I said euro like it was a sandwich, but it's a euro.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Ooh, I'm hungry too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, well, that has been a real problem with the currency. There's a lot of people think they can pay with euros and they can't, can they? It's a, it's a, it's a euro.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But no, it's a kind of under the table thing. I spent some time in London last year and you can pay for a lot of things with a limb, you euro.

[Scott Aukerman]

As long as it's lamb.

[Jason Manzoukas]

As long as it's lamb with some tzatziki on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now we're getting into Jason's heritage here, the Massachusetts Manzukas. Now, Byron, before the break, you said you had some explosive news and people have sat through me doing terrible, terrible ad reads, of course. Award nominated ad reads. But they've, they've, they've, they've sat through that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Were you nominated for an Addie?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I truly was. And a Maddie. But people have endured this, Byron. They've, they've sat through all this. They've been on the.

[Jason Manzoukas]

My guess is there's going to be a lot of people who are not normal comedy bang bang listeners.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Who are only tuning in because they are, they are royals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Royal fans.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Royals fans, I think. What's a, you're a royal watcher. So what's a royal fan? Like who, what do they have a name for the people who follow the royals?

[Scott Aukerman]

Normal People of England.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, every citizen, everyone. I'm sure that that news programs will be taking clips of this episode and playing them starting probably about now.

[Scott Aukerman]

They absolutely will. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. And this will be newsworthy and this will be broadcast around the world, so don't let that get you nervous at all. But make millions, if not billions of people will be listening to this episode starting about right now. So Byron, hit us with this explosive news. What is going on with the royals?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, all right, here we go. As you know, that American, Meghan Markle and her. The. The poor man that she's led astray, Prince Harry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Meghan Markle from suits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, the woman from suits. The suits Princess. They gave an interview and absolutely infuriated the. The royal family. Absolutely disgust infuriated. And, and, and they are very angry with the entire public for everything that they're reading about themselves. And. And furious. And so they have. I have now learned, ever since I've been sort of posing as Prince Philip and Buckingham palace, they've begun talking about instituting Plan 1. And this is something they've been talking about all the time. Plan one. Plan one. Plan one. And I have finally determined what precisely Plan one is and it is going to absolutely change all of your lives, starting now. Are you ready?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they've been saying they're going to put this into action at some time. Has there been conversations of like should we really do Plan one? And people debating it?

[Scott Aukerman]

There's been a lot of that and there's been a lot of phone calls and meetings and zoom calls and whatnot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did they start plan one? Is it like a double key situation where two people are 20ft apart and they have to simultaneously turn two keys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or plan one will. Everyone has to converge upon the Netherlands is step one of Plan one.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, everyone, That's Plan One. Everyone?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not everyone.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Everyone in the royal family or everyone in the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

Allow me to explain.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Please, please, please continue.

[Scott Aukerman]

All of the royalty of Europe, that means absolutely everyone who is titled throughout Europe is going to converge upon the City hall in Alphena and which is a building that looks like a spaceship. And is a spaceship, gentlemen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

It looks like one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And is one.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it is one. The City hall in Alphen Onden Rhine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because you know at city. You're talking City hall at City Walk, there's a big spaceship that crashed into one of the restaurants there. That's not a real spaceship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this is a real one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a real one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shall I share my screen with you gentlemen and show you I'M leaving.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, are you looking at it your own self?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I googled it. But please share it, because I'm not finding a very good share with all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of our listeners too. So if you're listening to this podcast right now, you'll suddenly share screen with us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. That looks like a Disney hall ass building or something.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That does. That looks like. That looks like the ship that the Mandalorian uses. It truly does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The mandolinian. Depending on who you are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The. What's that dude who had the mandolin from movies.

[Jason Manzoukas]

From movies?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. There was a guy who had a mandolin in a movie.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Captain Corelli.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Captain Corelli. That's the guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that right? Captain Corelli's mandolin.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Captain Correli mandolin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Dude loved his mandolin.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He did.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is right here. This is the spaceship that we'll be taking all the royals. And as it blasts off into the heavens, it will fire several nuclear weapons which will destroy. Destroy the entire planet of Earth.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only the royals will get away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Only the royals will survive. Yes, indeed. Do they get plus ones?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, absolutely. They can bring whoever they want. And that is why. Well, here. These are some of the people who'll be going along.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

King Philip VI of Spain.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Carl xvi. Gustav of Sweden.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All of these.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes. And Philippe of Belgium. So many. All the royals will go, but the rest of us will be left behind. And that is why, gentlemen, I am currently. I don't know exactly when they're doing it, but it's happening very soon. They're already talking about flight arrangements to the Netherlands. I'm going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, they're already. I mean, if they're at that step, it's happening very, very soon.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's happening very soon.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So will you be included as Philip?

[Scott Aukerman]

I will only be included. Oh, wait a minute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps I will be included as Philip.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been thinking that I need to marry a royal, and I have a list of potentially available royals, but here I am.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, aren't you impersonating?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am cursing. Did you forget that you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did forget. I did forget. I could simply go as Philip. My God.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's a plan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But not if you've wandered off today and suddenly they find Philip's body.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no. Oh, trust me, there's no finding Philip's body. There's no finding Phillip's body.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, if you're gone too long, though, they may protect. Presume you did. And then you will have to marry one of the royals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, listen, maybe I can Pass this on to you because there are several eligible married.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, I want on this ship, it sounds like to me like it's a futuristic Noah's Ark kind of situation.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you would abandon Cool up to marry someone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To go to just to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Get on a spaceship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just to get on. Just to get on the spaceship. Not even taking it off.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Good to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So who's, who's, who's out there available and are they on Raya?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, number one, the number one choice. Are they on riot. What's that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Raya? Never mind. I don't look, I don't even know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no, but it's a Lady Amelia Windsor is probably the most desirable. As soon as the drops, everyone is going to rush to try to marry Lady Amelia Windsor. Where is she from? She is from the uk. She was voted or named the most beautiful royal by Tatler. Magnus.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, the most beautiful UK royal or the most beautiful royal of any royal family? Because you're talking about royals from Spain from.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I mean we could marry any royal in any other country.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes. No, the Tatler magazine, which is a British tabloid, simply called her the most beautiful royal. Perhaps they weren't they speaking of them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, how old is she?

[Scott Aukerman]

25 years old.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I don't know if I could overcome the age difference, but I'd try.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, she's very sophisticated. She's 13, ninth in line to the British throne.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And yes, she's out there. She's a model. She works for Dolce and Gabbana.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Whoa.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. I mean this sounds perfect.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Look, this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, let's set it up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let me ask you. All right, Byron, are you yourself married?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, I myself have never managed to be married.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So really it's just going to be about if you follow through on this, extricating yourself from this Phillips situation in order to plug yourself into being potentially married to this new younger woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, the moment I heard this plan and I was dressed as Philip and in full Philip makeup, all I began thinking is I've got to marry a royal to get on that spaceship.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, here's the deal. You don't want to be constantly putting on this makeup in space. I mean, what with the different air compression and quality and all that kind of stuff. Like it's so much easier if you just marry this hot 25 year old model.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Also, you're not going to be able to bring your team on the spaceship with you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I mean your makeup is just going be to decompose out there in the pressurized compartment.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So here's what you need to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're gonna need to kill your pr. Your Prince Philip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you mean? Well, I mean, he can't just disappear. He's gonna have to have a very popular.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They'll be looking for him. So you're gonna have to present.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A death narrative for him so that you can then put, not have to participate in that anymore. So you can go ahead and, and, and, and woo the princess that we were discussing that. I can't remember her name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe you could, could be up there in full makeup at the top of Big Ben and then like throw a dummy off of it into the Thames and you know, and then he's presumed drowned.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't think, here's the thing. I don't think that's going to work. I think you're going to have to have your team one last time put you in the makeup and you're going to have to take one of those drugs that makes you like, makes your heart stop. Then like, you're going to have to take one of those like Mission Impossible drugs that makes it appear as though you are dead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also, also, if you're, if you're going to do this and you have a full makeup team and the. These, I'm presuming they're the best in the biz.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes, they're wonderful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why not outfit yourself with squibs? Get some stunt people involved.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Get some, some movie prop guns and stuff and just have a big like Heat style showdown in the middle.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Scott and I are successful Hollywood screenwriters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We could stroke this in an afternoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's a scenario where Prince Philip is perhaps robbing a bank and is one last heist.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Or if you want, you can flip it. Prince Philip stops, stops a bank robbery.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a hero.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He goes out a hero.

[Scott Aukerman]

Heavily bank rob robbers covered head to toe in body armor, running out of a.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You as Prince Philip come in and John wick, tick tock, Mr. Wick, John Wick your way through all of the bad guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Rescue the day, but then there's one bad guy gets one shot in and you go down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. We probably want to outfit the bank robbers in something unique. You know how in the town they're in like nuns uniforms and masks.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Something unique like New York.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, something like New York. But like, you know how in baby they have the Austin Powers mask. We want this to really start out.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're going in style. They have the Groucho Marc Schnarz and mustache.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. So we need something iconic.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Point break, they've got the Reagan. The President mask.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, the President mask. We need something really iconic for this to really pop. Yeah. Should we spitball some ideas here?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, you could have them all be like the different. The various members of the Scooby Doo gang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, the bank robbers are a bunch of velmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We may run into licensing issues with that, but, well.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But we're not producing anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, this is gonna be. There's gonna be fictional movies about it years and years down the line, Right?

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's not our problem. They're gonna have to. That's them. They're gonna have to like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not our problem. But we have a. I mean, we're getting points on this as screenwriters.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you just choose something in public domain.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You know, like Robin. Robin Hood. Or A Christmas.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Everybody wears green hats.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ghost of Ghost of Past, Ghost of Christmas Present, Ghost of Christmas Future. Everyone's dressed like that in Scrooge. It's the Scrooge game, gang. Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

But also, don't like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You got Ebenezer in his nightcap. You got Jacob Marley with a bunch of chains.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is how bank robbers. Heavily armored bank robbers are choosing to be. To dress up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, in town, they're nuns and they bring out guns from underneath their robes and stuff.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But they're nuns with guns. I mean, that's fucking killer, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

But listen, you don't have to worry about how this is going to appear to people in the future, because all of Earth is soon to be destroyed, lads.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know, but I'm hoping we can get one of these projects off the ground before that happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'd have to move fast. I mean, I'm already wondering if there's time enough to do all this. Plus, I've got to woo a princess.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, we're the fastest screenwriters in the biz. We can get this done.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And the Furious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We can get this done by the end of today. Let's put this into production tomorrow. Can you call your stunt people and you don't.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We don't. You just. Not your stunt people. You're making people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, sure, but we need. We need. I mean, you and I, we'll handle that. We'll handle all this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We'll handle that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know, you just need to shut up. Show up, and we'll give you the script. We'll walk you through it. We'll block it quick. And then, because yeah, we'll block it on its prioritize. You need to prioritize.

[Scott Aukerman]

Roll on rehearsal. Yes, let's roll on rehearsal.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then. And you know, I mean, maybe we rent out the bank. You know, we'll need a location manager for that, but. Right, but we can work out all of this. And you have access to the. The queen's jewels, so we can pay for all of this. But yeah, we're going to get you totally squibbed up. Like, how do you want. I'm presuming.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Thought of something. I just thought of something that could be great. I just thought of something that could be so good because also it uses something that you're not going to for much longer have use for. What if you are robbing eyeballs?

[Scott Aukerman]

Robbing eyeballs? What?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Or the robbers, rather. What if the robbers are robbing eyeballs?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a safety deposit box in this bank filled with eyeballs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Filled with valuable eyeballs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Suddenly in the getaway, they trip and these bags of eyeballs just spill out all over the ground.

[Jason Manzoukas]

People are open and sliding on the cinematics because they're frozen. They're frozen eyeballs. They're roll.

[Scott Aukerman]

They roll all Animal House marbles situation. But with eyeballs. Yes, with eyes. Solid.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And you've got the eyeballs after collecting them for so long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And all of them blue. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then I'm presuming you want.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's the classic blue balls. The blue balls robbery.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The blue balls robbery done by the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scrooge Gang, as it would come to be known if the entire planet destroyed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scrooge Gang is making it in. Okay, we'll talk about this when we get to the final draft. But. But I'm presuming that you want to die with, like, a headshot so that the body will be.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And a resume.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you want to swap out a body. You want to do, like, a body switch at the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see what you're saying, but I am going to be.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, we'll need a real corpse is what Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you'll need a corpse and you'll need. You'll need a. A double for all of your makeup to put on the corpse. No, no, you want a. You want a corpse who. Who can pass as Prince Albert, Right? That's who we're talking about. Philip. Sorry, Philip. I'm thinking of my can. But Prince Philip, you want, like, an old guy who then you shoot in the head so that you know all the teeth are gone. You want to file off the Fingerprints. I don't know whether you have a guy who can get you a body like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes, of course. Yes. That's no problem at all. I can get. I can have three or four and we can choose. We can have. We can. We can audition five or six of them if we like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who's this guy who. Who can get you this kind of stuff?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's from America, and he's just.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Probably the same guy that hooks him up with the eyeballs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, does he wear snakeskin pants?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's strange that you would guess that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because I've never seen the doctor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Working in snake skin before. So it is interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With a full snakeskin doctor's rope. What is it, a robe or a coat? It's a coat.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's a coat. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All sudden of a. Well, he had a snakeskin doctor strange cloak.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's in a snakeskin gloves and snakeskin hair protectorate on his head.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A snakeskin mask.

[Scott Aukerman]

Snakeskin mask, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Incredible. This guy sounds like a really interesting guy. Well, I think this is a better plan for you. But do you have a plan then to sidle up to this Lady Amelia?

[Scott Aukerman]

Lady Amelia. Or possibly I may. I may decide if time is really an issue, to go simply go after Princess Elizabeth of Thurne and Texas, who is 39. She's 39, and that's not so bad. Right? Right. Yes. She's what? She's a member of Germany's nobility. In Germany, yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, so you're marrying into German royalty. I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. I mean, it's not as desirable, but it may simply be a bit easier.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it might get you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It might get you on the. It might get you on the ship. And that's. That's. Once you're on the ship, that's what you need.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you have a plan, though, for it to. Because obviously this romance needs to happen quickly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you have, like, a Meet Cute in mind? You know, like you're both walking down the street and you bump into each other or anything like that. I mean, you know, I mean, you have to have a plan in order to woo this woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

My only thought was to do an extraordinary amount of surveillance and then present myself as someone who is interested in all the things she's interested in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, you know, this is the plot to a lot of teenage rom coms, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Byron, I really. I hesitate to tell you this. I just googled Lady Amelia Windsor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes, she is engaged to be married. No, she's engaged to be married as of last year. She is engaged to be married.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, we gotta take her off the table.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to be kidding.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And this is the source is. I hate to say it once again. The Tatt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Tattlers got this before you have it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's extraordinary. And they've had it for a year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You haven't heard about this? They tattled on it a year ago.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It looks like less than a year. It looks like July 2020 is when this came out. I don't know when they got engaged, but this is when this article is. Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

I spent most of the summer hiding in a crypt at Westminster Abbey in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Prince Philip, maybe makeup in case they found you.

[Scott Aukerman]

This was before I'd started dressing. I was. I was hoping to. I was hoping to overhear some bereavement, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. So you didn't hear that news. Well, that's too bad. I mean, you got to scratch her off the list. Unless you can sort of.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you're, I think, get in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In like a romcom situation where you're like, that guy's not right for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do they say about the fiance? What do you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They think? Hold on. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jason, by the way, is moving things around like Minority Report in front of me.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Princess Diane is enhanced.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Enhance that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Enhanced. Quadrant 1. Enhance facial recognition. Quadrant 1. Enhance. Enhance.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is. This is a relative of Princess Diana's. This is a dispenser. What?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Princess Diana's glamorous niece is engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Greg Mallet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Greg.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Greg.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She can't marry Greg.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it wouldn't do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It would have to at least be Gregory or something posh like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a Byron.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Guys, I have an update.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoa. Enhance.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, ready? Enhance. Enhance. 30 year old mallet Parentheses, nicknamed Grizzle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Grizzle Parentheses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Grizzle is this guy hanging out with Kavanaugh. Who is this guy? You are Grizzly.

[Scott Aukerman]

We will not have a Prince Grizzle.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're being overlooked for a man who goes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're being elbowed out by Grizzle.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is outrageous.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This cannot happen. This will not stand. Not on my watch.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The Grizz.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Grizz.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the update. That's all.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That. That's that. I mean, that was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know it was, but I was a bombshell.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but I was hoping that's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Going to be played on news program.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That was mind blowing. I was named Grizzle.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Actually, I do know more about him. They call him Grizzle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, the Update is not they broke up. The update is he's Grizzle. Which is even worse for you. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's absurd. Well, I think I may be able to make a case against him if I can get close to the lady. But if not her. Listen, there's other choices. There's a few others. There's Princess Maria Olympia of Greece and Denmark.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh wait, she's. She has dual citizenship somehow.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're royalty in Greece, you're also royalty in Denmark.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a sweet ass deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure is. There's Princess Alexander.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you know that?

[Jason Manzoukas]

As a group man, here's what. Here's what I'll say. And I again, according to the tabloids, Princess Maria Olympia of Greece.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is dating someone named Peregrine Pierce.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Byron, you don't stand a chance next to a Peregrine.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Peregrine. You're fucked.

[Scott Aukerman]

That does sound very gross.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Between Peregrines and Grizzes. Grizzles, you're like. You're shit out of luck, man. How are you gonna get on this spaceship?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All these people are pairing up cause they know that plan one is happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's exactly why I think you're right about that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

They've known that Plan 1 is coming and so they want to make sure they've got a mate up there.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So this, this is interesting because it's a Plan one situation seems to be being enacted. And inside of the Plan 1, your Plan 1 has now been to marry. I think you might need to keep your Prince Philip going because your plan one was to marry lady. What's her name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What about the. The next one you mentioned?

[Jason Manzoukas]

The 39 year old German woman. Oh yes, the woman who was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who was that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Princess Elizabeth of Thaxis, Texas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or Taxes.

[Scott Aukerman]

T A X I S. Yes. Thurman Taxis. She's 39.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, she. By the way, she frequently goes by her nickname, tnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like the ACDC song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thurman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tnt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hawk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hawk.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Hark.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. I think you can make this happen, but you have a limited amount of time. I mean she may be on this ship within days.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Plus we need to stage this eyeball robbery slash murder.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, with the Scrooge Gang.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, it's a lot going on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Again, it's not going to be discouraged.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, we can just go. Let's table it for now. I think the Scrooge Gang is dynamite. And I think it really.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because the people, the guys are going to be weighed down by all those chains.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. But then slipping around on the eyeballs. It's just. It's adding to it anyway.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Slipping around on the eyeballs. I love levels. I love.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course you love it because you pitched it. Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what? I love a lot of your ideas. I support you 100%. The Scrooge Gang, I think, is just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give me the Scrooge Gang, then it's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A little silly, but it's not going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To be silly once Prince Philip takes a head shot and just blood spatters all over the bank.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Scrooge is like the Joker and his gang is just dressed up like the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that does sound good when you put it that way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. And then you have, you know. And Annie Lennox. He presses. Much like the Joker in the Tim Burton. He press. He presses. Play on a juke, or not a jukebox, but a boom boom box. And put a little love in your heart. Put a little love in your heart plays from Scrooge okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. I mean, I didn't see that coming. It's interesting. Now, can I ask a question? Can Buster Poindexter be in this hell?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, he's in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Buster Poindexter.

[Jason Manzoukas]

David Johansson. Put the pompadour back on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Put away the platform heels. Put the pompadour back on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're back, baby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot. Hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he die?

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, I believe he's still alive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's still with us. Buster Poindexter died. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, David Johansen.

[Jason Manzoukas]

David Johansson is still with us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. That's fine. All right, well, that's the plan then. We can forget all about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. So today's Monday. We'll have this bank robbery. On Tuesday, Prince Philip will be dead. They'll. They'll postpone. This gives you time, by the way. They'll postpone taking off because they'll never need to. To. To do a funeral. Yes. At which point you can sidle up to Princess Elizabeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

My God, it all works together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When people are grieving, they suddenly get horny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course they do. Funerals make peace. Very amnesty.

[Jason Manzoukas]

For those of you who always wanted a ringtone of Scott screaming the word horny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're welcome.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Needle drop. This is good. This is a good plan. Horny. A.

[Jason Manzoukas]

She's got a great ass.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tuesday, funeral. Wednesday, you're married. Thursday, up in the sky. Friday, we're all dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm thrilled that you gentlemen have expended so much energy getting me on the spaceship and have accepted your own fate to be blown to smithereens by the royals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, well, I mean the whole swap thing of it, all of you with Prince Philip. That's the only part of it that's a little tough, the swapping the body.

[Jason Manzoukas]

If only we had comedy. Bang Bang. Have a lot of experience swapping. Whether it's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, we don't. Yeah. Life swaps. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know, there's been a lot of swapping in the. It's can and that. People have swapped lives, wives, all sorts of things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All sorts of stuff. I mean, we. Jason, you and I have never done this kind of complicated body swapping thing. I mean there, there was.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Even though whenever we're together we always pee in the same fountain just to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

See if it works, just in case. But it never.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because it's it in that movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But we. But there, there was.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I do remember Jason Bateman Ryan Reynolds movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do remember about a year ago we had a couple of guests.

[Jason Manzoukas]

In case. That's what you're wondering.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh yeah. In case you didn't get that. Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I can't remember what it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Funny wish. Something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That can't be.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think it's called Piss Wish.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think they would have changed the title in England because Pissed is molten.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stop eating bugs and start drinking piss.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, that's what you eat.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's more of like piss swish where you sit around like wine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. That's what people are eating on the spaceship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're going to have to do a water world kind of situation where they circulate their piss back into water.

[Scott Aukerman]

Drinking urine and eating insects.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Seems like he's. It's a water world. Seems like he didn't have to drink his own piss.

[Scott Aukerman]

I agree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Convert the water that you're on right now, dummy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like there are, there are ways to desalinate water that are easier than you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just drinking your own goddamn.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, exactly. I mean like you have to assume he's some sort of piss freak.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a piss freak. The Mariner is a piss freak. But look, I. I will say if you need a.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A little hashtag, the Mariner is the best hashtag get.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's get it trending. Byron, if you need.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, I. I should say they go into that rather extensively at the stunt show at Universal Studios.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They do that. That's out the first 20 minutes of every water world stunt show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Extensively. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But what I want to say is about, about a year ago we had a couple of people on the show who were involved in. In doing a very complicated body style swap. They Were. They were. As I recall, they were swapping members of a musical group. I know that you probably don't follow any. Any American music, especially not. Not American music that was inspired by the americana of the 1950s.

[Scott Aukerman]

I absolutely do not. No. No interest in that whatsoever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, these gentlemen were trying to enact a complicated swap with the members of a musical group called Shana. No. Which I guess in England it would be Sha Na Na, something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no. There's no pronunciation to the Queen's English.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So there was somebody who was making a very aggressive push to get Sha Na Na into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame. And when it looked as though that wasn't going to happen, I believe his. His plan was to replace the members with the members of the Doobie Brothers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doobie Brothers. Because the Dubes were sure to be.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Admitted into the r. Convoluted plan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a very convoluted plan, but I tell you, I can't remember whether they pulled it off or not, but these guys.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But I do remember that it was hilarious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was hilarious and people loved it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And it was one of everybody's favorite episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So if you needed their help, I'm sure we could get in touch with them. I know that they were there to assassinate this one guy whose name I don't want to mention because he would appear if I did. We've bleeped it out of the show previous to this, but they were there to shoot him with a. A hog bullet out of a bun gun.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you talking about? Is this a dream?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, when I tell you, Byron, that this is all actual content that has been so meticulously. We are 700 episodes into this, and this is real. We are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is real stuff.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We're adults who retain this information. Can you think about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I've never heard of any important.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Things we have forgotten about or don't imagine or can't learn because I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember my parents names and I remember.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Gaining this level of insight into the canon of this nonsense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, there go Queen Elizabeth's corgis. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, there's the corgis. Oh, I gotta notify Andre Lloyd Weber. He's very frightened of corgis.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's. Wait, no, he's not frightened of them. He likes to harvest their energy, I believe something like that. This is another bit of arcane comedy bang bang trivia that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, to someone who has no familiarity whatsoever with any of it, it sounds insane.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, do you want us to text these guys or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Certainly, yes. I'll take any of the help I can get from anyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? I already did. I already did. I already texted him, like, a half hour ago when we started talking about this. I already texted them. They're on their way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, do they need to be on their way, or are they simply going to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, they're on their way via Zoom. They'll. They'll just. They'll.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, they're.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They're joiners. Zoom Group.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're. They're getting their Internet hooked up.

[Scott Aukerman]

So at some point, we'll. We'll hear a little bing bong. We'll hear that distinctive bing bong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll hear a bing bong.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, we'll hear some sort of chime.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here I am. It's me, Dalton Wilcox. Whoa. How's it going?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dalton Wilcox?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep, that's right. You texted me to come down here. You said you got another problem to solve. The way I solved that problem with the bun gun and the hot dog bullet. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm so surprised that you answered a.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Text because it is great to see you. You look like you are in some sort of underground flight facility.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right. These days, I live in an underground facility, and I project my text messages onto the wall of this cave, and I live here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like the bat signal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah, I can't look at. I don't. I don't handle them phones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. But you set up a complicated projector system with your phone.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Well, my. My wife Irina set it up, and I live. Whoa.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, I got married to a Russian.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, is this on your show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, Banana stepping into it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not canon.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A different complex set of canon for another show, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Specifically, this information is from the bonus episodes of Bananas. Bonus nanas for bonus Nanza.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, none of this is canceled. I will say I really resent you bringing that over into this show.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm a little offended. You didn't enter this. You didn't enter the Zoom with a yeehaw, if I'm being honest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

How's it going, fellas?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Great to see you, Dalton.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great to see you, Dalton.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dalton, this is Byron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, Dalton. Hello, Byron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You guys are as opposite as day and night, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I get. What are you. Are you some kind of a city slicker? I suppose you can call me a city slicker, but I am. Oh, my God. Where are you from?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Europe.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a goddamn city slicker from Literally Europe. Yep. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He is a. Yeah. I think you would probably think of him as a foreigner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dalton, thank you so much for reading your. My projected text.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And. And hooking up your zoom so suddenly. I'm assuming that was your wife as well, who. Who downloaded the app.

[Scott Aukerman]

Arena is extremely adept at computers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. Is that how you guys met?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, we met. She was a whore and I went to the whorehouse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You. Please, you don't have to keep saying really, that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Also, it's a word that is, like, damaging. It's a sex worker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, well, sex worker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I fucked her and paid her, and then we got to know that. I guess we got to know one another. And then I asked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, that's just medical science.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right. And now we, you know, because we live underground underneath a national park. She's found some cables down there, and she's basically got access to the entire.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Internet, so just in case this is somebody's first encounter. Dalton Wilcox, you are a cowboy. You're a literary poet laureate of the West.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am the author of the book, you must buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse, and other poems and observations humorous and otherwise from A life on the range, as well as the follow up book, you still have to buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse. And even more poems and additional observations, humorous and otherwise from a life still being lived on the range by Dalton Wilcox, who also wrote the last book.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's like the look who talking now of the Dalton.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Hang on, Scott. I think there's a third.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right. Have you written a third? I don't think I have the last time I talked to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am also the author. I am the author of the book. I ain't never seen a cowboy eat hummus and other foods that cowboys have also not eaten in my presence, in addition to poems and observations about living life on the range, humorous and otherwise by Dalton Wilcox. And all of these books are by.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dalton Wilcox, of course, and they're. They're sold at B. Dalton Wilcox as well. And now we have to take a break. But this is. This is great that you're here because our friend Byron here, he has a very specific plan for which I think you are uniquely equipped to help him with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, does it involve cowboying?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not per se, but guns, certainly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Six shooters and the like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Swapping?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, swapping. That's a cowboy type of thing, right? Just swapping things.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you say so. Look, I'm happy to help. I'm happy to take a break from this goddamn water skiing competition. I have to now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. This is the yearly waters coming up, isn't it?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was just done as a ploy to get our hands on that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now you're.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now you're locked in.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm locked in. People look forward to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you were. For people who haven't heard the previous episodes. Episode. You were making this. And we're going to take a break in a second. But you were making this water ski competition for hot dog.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, you gotta believe it. We gotta believe it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, we'll believe it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah, we was just trying to lure him in so we could shoot him in the heart, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right, but he moved his heart with.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A bullet made out of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So we'll listen to those previous episodes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

By the way, if you're listening to this and have not listened to that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you doing with your life?

[Jason Manzoukas]

You are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's take a break.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's my situation. I know nothing about any of this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we'll explain. We need to take a break. When we do take the break, instead of listening to these ads, just head over and listen to those previous episodes. Catch yourself up. When we come back, we will have more with Jason Manzoukas. We'll have more with Byron Denniston. We'll have more with Dalton Wilcox. We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hey, this podcast, Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. What's Squarespace? I've been talking about them for a decade now. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. Every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? I've always said that. I said that before Squarespace came along. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. No hidden fees or add ons required. And with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI Enhanced design partner. Or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. I don't know why I'm doing this voice now, no matter where you start your website is flexible to what you need. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here. Jason Manzoukas, who of course, of the Massachusetts Man Zukases. And during the break he signed off on the Scrooge Gang. I'm so happy I did not.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is a lie. That is a. That is a lie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You are on board. When you see Scott Aerman in public, when we open up, you just scream.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Say, hi, man, of course. And then liar.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Say, hey, nonman. And then as you're walking away, just scream, liar.

[Scott Aukerman]

I will say if I get a vote, I do like the Scrooge Gang, because no one's going to mess with the ghost of Christmas Future.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, all he has to do is point at a grave and you're dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Terrifying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And of course, that is Byron Denniston, who is a royal watcher. A professional royal watcher, of course. Indeed. And we also have Dalton Wilcox here of Poet Laureate of the West. Not the Old west, just the West.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a cowboy poet. I am the poet Laureate of the West. I host a podcast, Bananas for Bonanza, which.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many episodes have you gotten through at this point?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, the problem is episode by episode breakdown of the TV show Bonanza. Bonanza, which I. And just speaking Honestly, Dalton, as a fan, is like my. Maybe my second favorite show that is breaking down a TV show that is about frontier living. My first favorite show is, of course, course, the Deadwood Boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God damn it. That.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Hosted by Cram Daniels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we had that on our show. Cram Daniels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's a great show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Deadwood Boys. I don't even know how they do it, because I've got a problem with our own show in that bonanza only had 431 episodes. Now you look at Deadwood, and what do they do?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that was 30.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They were like 30.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a 40. Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know how that's a podcast, but. But anyways. Yeah, that's what it is. We break them down. So far, I believe we've done 16 or 17 or 18. And.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you're also delving into anything in the Bonanza verse as well, like Little House on the Prairie and Highway to Heaven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it comes up from time to time, you know, every once in a while. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And on the bonus episodes, you did break down quite a bit of the TV show, the Mandalorian.

[Scott Aukerman]

We talked almost exclusively about the Mandolinian on the bonus show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is. Can I ask, is Little House on the Prairie the Bonanza prequel? And is highway to Heaven. Is he an angel? Because he's playing the same character from Bonanza, and he's dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, is that. That's not true, is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Well, that. In the same way that everyone thinks that. I want to say Byron, but no, it's. Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad is playing the same character from Malcolm in the Middle. He's just gone crazy in the same way. Is not Michael Landon playing the same guy in all three.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, so it's not literal. It's a fan thing. Okay, got it. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, I mean, I'm a fan, and it's my theory, so if you want to call it a fan theory.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, that's fine. It's a fan theory.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bonanza takes place in the 1860s, and Little House on Prairie takes place in the 1870s.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I thought it was swapped, but okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess it's a sequel series where Little Joe has changed his name to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Paul, So, I mean, it's possible because they only call him Pa. No one ever calls him anything else other than pa. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I'm hard pressed to think of the family name on that show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The one. It's the Wilders.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or is that Almond?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it. Is that where Van Wilder was from?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Van Wilder is the descendant of Laura.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Angles. It's the Angles.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, that's Laura Ingalls. Wilder wrote the books.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes. And so it's Pa Ingalls. That's right. But. But he took her name.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are we.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is Little Joe.

[Jason Manzoukas]

People are screaming at their radios right now because everybody listens to the show on the radio.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyway, I think I have no idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

What any of this is, but if you want to talk about man about the house, or. Are you being served? I can reminisce about telly with the best of them.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you being served? The same sitcom that's set in a department store.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right. It's wonderful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very multi towers.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I remember. Are you being served as. Because at a certain point in my youth, PBS used to run Monty Python, which I was upset, I became obsessed with. Then they started running Faulty towers, which I also became obsessed with. Then they started running are you being served? And I was like, hang on, this is trash.

[Scott Aukerman]

They finally got a good show. Are you being served? Wonderful. Oh, my goodness. The hijinks and confusions and things that would happen in that department store. Hilarious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, speaking of hijinks and hilarious, Dalton, the reason that I texted you and your wife projected that text upon your cave wall is because Byron here is in a very complicated situation where he needs to do what can only be described as a body swap.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I know that you have a lot of experience with that, with swapping the members of Sha Na Na with the Doobie Brothers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I was actually trying to prevent that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you were?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's how I remember it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think that's. That was the goal of the person whose name we've been. Well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, who better than you then to know because you were trying to prevent it? It's like Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee Jones. He would make the best fugitive because he's the person trying to catch the fugitives. He knows all the tricks, but, yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You could almost say he knows what's up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Huh?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, sure. Okay. Well, I mean, I did just tee it up. But don't worry.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know if I'm going to be qualified. The only time I' really done a body swap is I had a ranch hand who was having a problem, and we came up with a whole ridiculous contrivance where he was going to rob a bank and he was going to get shot and we were going to have a makeup team.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait a minute, Dalton, you're saying the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exact thing that Byron needs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a One to one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is apples to apples.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you saying.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I just want you to know, Dalton, that Scott and I came up with this idea independently.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Parallel thinking.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're not ripping you off.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay? This is not. We didn't rip you off. This is not derivative of you. We're not trying to. We can go to the WGA for. To arbitrage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We mailed it to ourselves too. That's the other thing you did. We put it in an envelope and mailed it to ourselves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that doesn't really work, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know, but it. But stories about it have survived for three decades.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's true, but. No, I know, I know. I don't doubt it because nobody has known about this until now, and I probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which. Which bank was this that you did this with?

[Scott Aukerman]

Bank of the West.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. There was a robbery there and we just had to do a body swap because the fella needed to stop pretending to be somebody that he wasn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you know, this is exactly what Byron needs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Really. Okay, now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now here's the thing. Byron, we're trying to. To do this for him because he needs to extricate himself from imper. He's now successfully taken over the life of Prince Philip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And if Prince Philip were to just disappear, they would suddenly bring out the corgis who would sniff for the body, and he doesn't want the body found because it would him.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And then the Queen's going to say who let the corgis out. And.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, this is so complicated, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I'll tell you this. I. I say they'll never find the body of Prince Philip, but. But there's a chance. We need to figure out some way to truly get rid. Rid of the body. If you know, or what.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you. If you still have the body, swap it. We're trying to do a body swap. Or has it been decomposed too. Too long?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's been not only that, but hacked into bits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We need a. We need a fresh old. Well, you know what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Maybe we. We might need an explosives to team on this. We might.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's me, August Lindt. I just got your text.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, August, thank you so much. I may have mistakenly texted both you and Dalton, thinking that you were both trying to do a body swap on the last time we spoke.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't know. He and I worked together the last time we spoke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you remember Dalton. And this is Byron Denniston. I don't know whether you have ever met.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think I know Byron. Denniston. Hello, Byron. Hello. Hello. August Lindt.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is where it get. This is really where it gets interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

August Lindt is from Germany. Who? We were just talking about one of their royalty. Members of their royalty. Who was it? Oh, really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I'm very proud of our royal over there in Germany. Yes, we were just speaking of Princess Elizabeth of Thurne and Texas. I'm going to try and marry her. Oh, sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know her.

[Scott Aukerman]

She. I know her. She's a very, very big fan of factories and pretzel factories in particular.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, she's a pretzel head.

[Scott Aukerman]

She. She's a real pretzel head. She stops by all the time at Schmeiderberg Pretzels just to walk around and see what everybody's up to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, wait, if you're a friend of hers, you could assist maybe Byron in maybe getting closer.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like a little bit of a setup here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I would be more than happy to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wingman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I could be a wingman. She is absolutely beautiful, and I would go for her myself, except that I'm very, very happily married.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, I mean, you might want to hear what Byron has to say vis a vis the future of life here on Earth before you decide. You wouldn't want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You may want to get into a throuple situation.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You might. You might want to get into it.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, gentlemen, please don't propose that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay? I'm just saying if it helps you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Listen, it's just I've known August a lot longer than you, Byron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I'd be more comfortable. I'm just. I'm recommending my guy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Listen, I'm. I would love any assistance I can get from you, August, to get to know Princess Elizabeth. And already the information that she's a fan of pretzels is hugely important.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I mean, okay, you're at the funeral, okay, everyone's crying. Prince Philip was shot in the face by the Scrooge Gang. And suddenly you're there next to her and you have a bag of rolled gold and you open it up and offer her.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not gonna do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rolled gold?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you gonna.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Kidding me?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doesn't have to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's got to be Schneiderberg Pretzels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Schneider. So look, you didn't happen to. You don't happen to have any that he could get at a moment's notice, do you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely. Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I don't know how. We'll overnight. We'll overnight these.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll overnight you some Schmeiderberg pretzels.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So, I mean, that's a great lore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's good she's on the hook at this point with a pretzel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful. Yes. I'm snacking on pretzels at the funeral of Prince Philip.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Hard, hard, crunchy pretzels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Crunchy, loud pretzels.

[Jason Manzoukas]

She'll notice you because she'll be able to hear it echoing through her and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her mouth will salivate. And you know what a salivating mouth does. It leads to all sorts of things.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I do have to say one of the prides and joys of our products is that they are considered to be the loudest pretzels in Germany.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. You haven't tested them in the world.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you know how many DBs they clog in?

[Scott Aukerman]

Does to like 3000 DBs or something like that? Very loud pretzel.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is a deafening crunch.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's like a cannon blast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's like Black Bolt speaking.

[Scott Aukerman]

That might be too loud. No, it's just right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I don't know, V. You might want to switch to the rolling gold.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You may want to. You might want to dip those in water or something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unless that gives them an extra snap. I don't even know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not allowed to eat them after 9 o' clock. Clock at night.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is like a gremlin situation with the pretzels. Amazing. So this is a good plan. Okay, so we've got that part of it covered. You'll be the wingman.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm the wingman to get him married to the princess.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You could be like, oh, have you met my friend Byron?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what, so I have to get invited to this funeral as well, huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, if Prince Philip were to die, would you. Yeah. Would you be invited?

[Scott Aukerman]

I am a lowly salt inspector for pretzels. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

First of all, do you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Here's the thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you even have the time off to do it? It's a.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's very tight. This year we only have. We only have 12 months of vacation this year. Only 12? Yeah, but it's not all together, you know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So. Well, but, but wait a minute. Let's, let, let's. I think we can reverse engineer this the other way. Which is, I think that if Prince Philip were to die. Princess, is it Princess Maria. What's the princess's name?

[Scott Aukerman]

Elizabeth.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Princess Elizabeth would no doubt be invited to that funeral.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And as a friend of hers, perhaps you, I guess, could volunteer to escort her to the funeral.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's a good Idea.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Byron, you can. We just got to figure out how to get Byron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How to get Byron in there.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We got to get Byron on site so that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got an idea. Yeah, I got an idea.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dalton coming in with a fix me.

[Scott Aukerman]

When the funeral is in progress. So we're at the graveyard and they're putting that body in the ground. Byron and I will simply parachute in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like paratroopers.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You don't think that'll be noticeable?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And by the way, why are you parachuting in as well? Dalton, Your work is done at this point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, is it done? I've been dismissed at this point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, you're doing the body's way. Unless you want to hang out. I don't know what I was thinking.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, I think, I think, I think Dalton I. Is essential in the planning and execution of this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He wants to see it through to the end site. Need to be boots on the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, maybe, yeah. I am wearing boots. Well, but you know what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

If things go sideways, I want a guy like Dalton on hand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a good point. Yeah. So you're, you're the, you're the literal wingman and you're accompanying Byron to the funeral. And so everyone's distracted by the lowering of the coffin and that's the perfect time to camouflage your Byron.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you going to want, as an individual going forward?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you going to want to have a life that is suffused with German things? German film, German language, German food? Like you're going to be eating nothing but, like, worst. Yeah, knock worst. You're gonna be eating a lot of worsts. All the worst worsts. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, I, I absolutely understand the concern, but, you know, otherwise I'd have to do something about the grizzle, you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Know, and that's off the table at this point. There's no knocking the grizzle. Oh, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know if you want me to kill. Is he a grizzly bear? Because I've killed a number of grizzly bears.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unfortunately, no, but he's not. It's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's a young man who just goes by the nickname Grizzle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But, but, but, but Byron, don't say anything, all right? Just be cool for a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But he grizzly, this guy Grizz. There's something fishy about him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Always there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, he's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He could be a monster.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now, I'm not sure what kind. I mean, he seems like A recon. He might be a party monster.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, which is close.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Which is dangerous. Except for horseshoes and hand grenades in and of itself. But also we don't know like we don't know. We don't know him well enough. He could be a very handsome, good looking creature from the Black Lagoon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For example, I think he might be a portrait of Dorian Gray type guy here who's sucking life in energy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dr. Jekyll. Mr. Hyde.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's what I was going to say. If he's from England, dollars to donuts, he's a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So that's where.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the natural side of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which side do you think Grizz is? He's got to be the Hyde.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, he'd be a Dr. Jick Land.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mr. Hyde and sure, but I mean as the Grizz. I think it's Hyde coming out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you think Greg is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Greg is Dr. Jekyll.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Greg is Dr. Jekyll and Grizzle is Mr. Well, we cracked it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've cracked it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This guy maybe needs to be taken out of the picture.

[Scott Aukerman]

Greg Mallet. It's Dr. Mallet and Mr. Grizzle. Dr. Mallet. Mr. Grizzle situation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, this is classic Dr. Mallet. Mr. Grizzle.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Classic DM and MG. Yep, it'll be.

[Scott Aukerman]

My pleasure to slaughter this fool. My goodness.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So then this opens the door to Lady MG and you don't even have to go to Germany and eat all those bratwurst and knockwurst.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But then in August we don't need you anymore though.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I don't know. What are you gonna do with the body of the Grizzle? I could turn it into hogs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey wait.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now that's interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Prince Philip's body too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm happy to turn any of this bodies into hs. What if you were to feed them to Mitt Romney as well?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, that's fine. We're me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Feed it to anybody.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I just can't feel like. I can't help but feel like he might say like what's up with these?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would say what's up? Really?

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. You are coming damn close to saying the words that will conjure. Hut.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm intentionally pausing in between. So it's two different sentences. Everyone knows it's two different sentences.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Or just reversing the context of them. What's up is different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, exactly. I mean it would have to. It would have to be a comma, not a period. It would have to be like, what's up, hot dog? To really what, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

Dip. Doo doo doo doo doo. Dip doo doo dip. What? Oh, no.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on, guys? It's me, Hot Dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, Hot Dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Didn't I kill you? I thought I killed this guy. This a gun that I made out of a hot dog bun and a bullet that I made out of a hot dog.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Scott, stand back. Let them figure this out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, but I. I have to get involved and just remind you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, Scott, let them figure this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, go ahead. Go ahead, you guys fight it out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let them fight.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have. Again, I have no idea what's going on here. Let me be the voice of the audience for a moment and say I simply don't understand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Be the referee. Here's what happened the last. About a year ago on episode 650, Dalton in August here, tried to shoot Hot Dog with a hot dog bullet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tried to. Hell, no. I shot him right in the wall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I shot him. But did you move your heart, Hot Dog? You had disappeared. You were gone at the end of that episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

So here's the situation, and it's very confusing. I had.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Why wouldn't it be?

[Scott Aukerman]

I had a decoy heart in my chest, and my main heart, the heart that's really doing all the work, is in my left thigh. And so I felt that I was dying. Cause it really hurts to have a hot dog shot into even a decoy heart.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can only imagine because you had pain sensors and receptors there put into the decoy heart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can I ask, just out of curiosity, what led to you thinking, you know what I should do? I should put a decoy heart in my chest and move my actual heart. Like, did you anticipate something like this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Or is it the Boy Scout motto, be prepared? What?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no, I knew when I decided that I was gonna try to bring about the apocalypse by getting Shana inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame and fulfilling their prophecy that this was going to be dangerous business and that I was going to need a decoy heart. God damn. That explains. See, that explains why we took a chest X ray down there at that water skiing contest, which, by the way, found it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was just moved slightly to the left. Was it?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I was surprised. Genuinely, I was surprised, Hot Dog, that you fell for it, that in order to enter the water skiing contest, you. You had to have a chest X ray.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm not surprised. You got to have a healthy heart to water ski, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

And by the way, I'M doing that. I'm doing it again this year.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know it's a trap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I know, but it's a really good water ski contest.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Would say it is a trap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no, but it's true. It is really a top notch waterkeying contest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, you're more proud of that than anything. Even your book, I would say, Dalton.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't know about that. But there is an entry fee of $8,500 and we put it all back into the contest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's fantastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, hot dog, you escaped after episode 650. What have you been doing since then?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, ever since then, I've been continuing my campaign to get Sean and I into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course, didn't work this year. They're not even nominated.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe that's true. That's true. Someone's knocking on my. On my door.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really? Maybe it's the Ghost of Christmas Future from the Scrooge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, I'm busy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Who's answering?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who are you with? Who are you holed up with?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Who's. Hot dog, that person is like, who's talking to me right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm at the Sha Na Na house, as a matter of fact.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you believe it? The Shanana compound.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The Shanana Kasana mansion.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have been involved.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Kashana Mansion, Is it Kasana.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Kasana. How'd you make it there?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have been invited in here, man, because I have really proven my bona fides as a guy that is trying to help them fulfill the prophecy. And it's. And we are working hard because they put out the nominees for the next.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rock and Roll Hulk Shanannies. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Shananna isn't there, but I have come up with another foolproof plan this time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's your plan then, to get Shananna?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, when you look over the list of nominees for the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, one of the ones that's definitely got to get in is Tina Turner. And so what I said is, and this is what we're going to do. Shannon is going to change their name to Tina Turner. Oh, they are going to show up and accept the award.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is foolproof. I've never thought of this before.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so much easier than the Doobie Brothers plan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is legal. It's above board. And. And the Rock and Roll hall of Fame will never see it coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is the only trick.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Winner has no idea what's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is.

[Scott Aukerman]

The only trick to it is when they. They say. And now, here to accept the award, Tina Turner. All the members of Shannon have to get to the podium for Tina Turner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's a race. And she's got those. She's got those long legs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, here's the thing that's going to be. I think you can do this easily because Shanna the beauty is Shana Na Na na won't be invited. Right. So they won't be in the audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They could be posing as waiters.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I was just gonna say they can be state backstage hands. They can be stagehands on stage so that, boom, the minute it's announced they are on, they're already there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they're.

[Scott Aukerman]

And three of them do that as a side job anyway.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think Tina Turner, as fast as those long legs can take her, she'll never get there before Shauna and I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I think you're right, because what we're doing mostly every day we wake up early and we. We run sprints. And some of these guys time trials are in their 70s, and I mean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But so is Tina Turner.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's interesting is what. What I can't help but wonder is now, I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy, but somehow do the royals know that this prophecy is not Bill Nye the Science Guy. The science guy is nigh. And that when is the ceremony? That's why they've triggered plan one. Because they know that once Shanana successfully as Tina Turner gets inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, Ragnarok will begin. The earth will come undone. Angel. Earth. Angels will appear on earth and Shananna will fulfill their prophecy, bringing about. About the end times. And if the royals know that, and that's why they're getting on the Mandalorians building the ship that looks like a building. A building that looks like a ship. Is there. Does the. Is. Is that. Is. Are these connected?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I have overheard quite a bit of conversation about the Rock and Roll hall of Fame in the context of plan one, but I thought they were just changing the subject and talking about American music for. For whatever reason. Reason. And make it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why would. Why would the royals talk about American music?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I want one step further.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They would be talking about Duran Duran. And can I ask you a question?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I have a question for Hot dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you know personally any royals?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do I know personally any royals? I mean, the only royal I really know is Lady Amelia Windsor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait a minute. Which one? Which one is that?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, she's 39. Who dates Grizzle. Do you know Grizzle?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I know Grizzle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grizzle and I go way back.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Grizzle is a water skier, you guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Grizzle is a water skier, of course.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it possible, Hot Dog, that you have told Grizz and Lady Amelia about your plans to do this and that that has perhaps triggered plan one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, of course I told Grizz. I tell Grizz everything. Well, your friend Grizz is a doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He's about to die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm just now noticing in this article, when I read further down, it does name Hot Dog as Grizz's intended best man at their wedding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. Yeah. Man, I can't wait till those two get married.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. I mean, we. This is like a huge battle now between almost, you could say good and evil in a way.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I haven't said anything in so long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's lovely to hear from you, but.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm so thrilled you're still here, August.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I'm here. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, by the way, I'm. I'm right now on an international tour of closed amusement parks and makeshift morgues. Okay. Just to let you know, my thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good to hear. I mean, I wasn't really interested.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are the. Are the closed amusement. Amusement parks functioning as makeshift morgues?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I didn't think so at first, but that's the case. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So it's just you alone, the. The only living thing on a roller coaster that's full of corpses?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some of them are.

[Scott Aukerman]

The splash lagoon in Erie, Pennsylvania is a tremendous makeshift morgue.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm glad you're here. In the same wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

More.

[Scott Aukerman]

Full of dead bodies. SeaWorld. All of the sea worlds are full of dead bodies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they're going to make a documentary about that. And then even less people will come.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just think of all the eyes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, well, yes. Well, look, I don't know that we're.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Going to resolve all of you. It's like all of you have some really interesting, bizarre thing that you're obsessed with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not me. I'm a regular cowboy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know that we're going to resolve this on this show. I mean, Hot Dog, I think Dalton and August don't want this to happen. And Byron, you do want to it to happen. So, I mean, look, I mean, it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't even know what you're referring to anymore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think you want to take off in the Spaceship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, all of these things, if they unfold according to plan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. Yeah. Hot Dog will be a member of. Shannon will be one of the Earth angels.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. And so we will be living in the dystopia that. That exists once. Hopefully, Byron. After we have swapped the Prince Philip with the Scrooge gang. Tb. Once Prince Philip is on the spaceship and has exited with all the royals, we will live in the dystopia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait a minute. I have an idea. Jason, can I talk to you for a second?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Where?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just right over here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everybody. Hey, everybody. Everybody else, mute your sound.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We're gonna go into a breakout room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, breakout room.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, we're gonna go into a breakout room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, Jason, here's the plan.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Shauna. Nah, you. We all know that if they're inducted, if they get to that stage before Tina Turner and they get inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, suddenly Earth angels happen. It's the apocalypse.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I know. I think. Here's our. If I'm being honest, okay. Our only hope truly is if we can kill Hot Dog before he successfully replaces Shannon and Tina Turner again. Once again, it all comes down to killing Hot Dog. The world lives or dies if Hotdog dies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you know what? He told us where his actual heart is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's what I was gonna say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We tricked him into that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now what we need to. When we go back. When we go back, we need to communicate. We need to communicate in code to Dalton what he needs to do. Yes, but that Hot Dog won't realize.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, what code?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't know. We're gonna have to figure it out. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll have to figure it out. Okay, guys, come on back here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chimoli Gardens in Copenhagen is beautiful, but all of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, we'. We weren't recording you guys. We were recording us for some reason. That sounded like a fascinating conversation.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So also, actually, guys, please don't listen to the app.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, don't listen to the app when it drops.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Don't listen to the app.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't worry. No interest in it at all.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you interested, though, Dalton, in continuing to, like, shoot hot dog bullets out of hot dog bun guns? Like, is that something that you are now, like, into?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, I only ever did it the one time, and it did feel to me like something that. That I'd like to experience again.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's the kind of hobby that I feel like you could really make a. You could really do something with. Really dig into more and try more and different kinds of targets, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. I have to say, I have missed the experience of trying to make food into bullets. You know, I've been doing it a little bit in my spare time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Well, what have you tried?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I've tried to make applesauce into bullets. I tried to make whipped cream into bullets.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You might want to try some harder foods.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Delicious.

[Scott Aukerman]

I tried to make pudding into bullets.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, here's. Here's an idea for a food that you could try to make into bullets. Thigh food. I mean, Thai, but isn't that funny how you can mispronounce it as thigh?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, you want to make bullets out of. I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All I'm saying is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can I talk to you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bullets into bullets into thighs breakout. Room. Bullets into thighs. Thighs is an interesting idea.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, now that's interesting to make a bullet out of thighs, though, is the. Actually, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that's not what we were talking. No, but I mean, when you say thigh and bullet next to each. Next to each other, I mean, it's an interesting idea. A bullet going into a thigh.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what? I was wrong. We should have talked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What code are you trying to get us to do?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I should have talked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's just tell him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, I'm starting to think I shouldn't have told you guys. My heart is in my thigh. Dalton.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dalton.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shoot him.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They're not in the same place.

[Scott Aukerman]

Over.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Zoom.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm underground at an undisclosed national park.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't you have the Zoom setting where it shoots guns?

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn it. Let me. Let me. I gotta download here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do the update.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is Zoom an American company?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, that makes sense then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you can. You can enable a setting that shoots a gun out of the camera.

[Jason Manzoukas]

God.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, but that's not gonna work.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Unless Hot Dog's thigh is facing the camera.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot Dog, face your thigh to the camera, would you?

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is ridiculous. You fucking blew it, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not. No, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to put my thigh right up to the camera. I'd be crazy to do that. Like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you have any idea right now what you'll say at the. When you're called upon to make a speech at Lady Elizabeth and Grizz's wedding? Like when they call you up to be the best man. Lady Amelia. Sorry. Lady Amelia and Grizzle, when they come and when they say. And now Grizzle's oldest friend. His name is Hot Dog, Please welcome fellow water skier extraordinary.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Will you like it? Will you like marriage? Is like water skiing. That's a great place to start. You know, like, use the metaphor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I was gonna.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. That's a whole bumpy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've given a lot of speeches at weddings, as you can imagine, and I talk a lot about. I talk a lot about how, you know, you've got two water skis and they both need to be going in the same direction, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, unfortunately, I guess our plan didn't work. We'll see what happens this fall, I guess.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This fall is when the Rock and Roll hall of Fame. Yeah, we'll see if Tina Turner makes it up to that stage, you know, keep us abreast of what happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it sounds like one thing we could do is work on Tina Turner's sprint speed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. Yeah. Great to hear from you, August. I thought I would chime in and say hello. Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Before it's time to say goodbye.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, well, look, it is almost time to say goodbye, but we're running out of time. We only really have time for one final feature, and that is a little something called plugs. Been a little while since I heard.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Your name out loud Wondering what it is you're up to now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, if.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You could see me you would know.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That I am weeping I just wonder.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you'll share the love and tell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me about your blood. Ooh, baby Share the Plugs by Small Time Napoleon. Amazing. Thank you, Small Time Napoleon. I guess we're back to singing about plugs, especially after last week when it really seemed like people were just uploading their SoundCloud tracks that had nothing to do with plugs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I appreciate getting back to the subject at hand. Guys, what are we plugging? Jason, what do you have to plug here?

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know, I will plug. Just recent. Just last week, I think a TV show came out, an animated show on Amazon called Invincible, based on the Robert Kirkman comic book that you and I just read all of it recently as part of a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. We read all 150 issues or so.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Whatever it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

148, I believe.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Somewhere we read all of them. And I'm a voice in that. And it's awesome. The show is fucking fantastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a great comic. Robert Kirkman, friend of the show, he created the comic and.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Show. And yeah, I hear it's. I hear it's really great.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you're in that on Amazon and also Close Enough, which is another animated show that I'm on on hbo. Max just released season two that is also hilarious and very funny and also, of course, as always, how did this get made the podcast?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, wonderful. I want to plug threedom, which is the other show that I do with Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkis that comes out on Thursdays. And that's. That's just us sitting around and shooting the shit and playing games and stuff so people can subscribe to that and listen to it. And then all of you guys, do you have plugs together or do you all have separate plugs?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think while you were in the breakout room, we were all talking about all the very many things. We're all going to each plug and it will take a while.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't know you had that kind of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of different things. No, really, I just want to plug my upcoming wedding, which of course will be televised throughout the world. Whether it is to Lady Amelia Windsor or to Princess Elizabeth of Thurn in Texas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We don't know. It depends on the Grizz situation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, exactly.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And I want to put that Grizz.

[Scott Aukerman]

Biz, well, he's as good as dead, but I just want to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know that you should be on Byron's side, Dalton, getting lost mythology a little bit. But anyway, go ahead.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have no idea. But I want to promote Bonanas for Bonanza, which is probably coming back for. To do the remaining 412.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is something that I'm not in charge of, and people shouldn't be writing messages to me. Is that right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have told all of my listeners and fans to get in touch with you about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I've noticed this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I've said it's all. It's Scott Aukerman's decision. And so, yeah, as a fan of.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The show, and I mean this, I've listened to every episode. I've listened to all of the bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium. I am imploring you, Scott, to let them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know that I have anything to do with this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

If you are listening to this episode, please, Scott Aukerman, hashtag, let us have more podcasts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Write to Jason instead. And that is I L, Y Y I L Y. Please write to him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, whoever you write to make sure it's Scott Aukerman.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And to be clear, just to be clear, Dalton, in case people are not familiar with it, it is bo nanas for Bonanza.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is, we spell bananas right?

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's B O N. It's not bananas for Bananza.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's very hard to find as.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Much as you would think it would be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is very difficult to find podcast.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Very difficult to find podcasts in a long history of difficult to find podcasts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And I want to promote. We're coming out here. Schmeiderberg pretzels with a pretzel sound baffler. And this is. It's like. It's made of acoustic blankets, and it's like you sit in it to eat your pretzels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is like a muzzle for a. For a gun.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. So you don't. So you don't go deaf chopping into 3,000 decibels. Pretzels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, we've been selling earplugs for a long time, but this is so that maybe for late night snackings.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you want to do that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And you're just. To be clear, your earplugs are just soft pretzels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you put the soft pretzel in the ear. Exactly.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Okay, cool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then there's. What about you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hot dog me? Hot dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just want to right at you. Of course. I know. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Kickstarter for Sha. Because they have not been able to perform live at any state fairs or casinos because of the pandemic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are they behind the rent at the Casa Nana?

[Scott Aukerman]

The. The Sha Na house? Yeah, the lady landlord is being real cool, but we don't know how long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, who's the landlord?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's a rental. It's a rental guy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. It's not anybody we know, is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I doubt it. He's a theatrical director and he said.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All right, well, Kasana, on. On the water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it like a houseboat?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it a houseboat?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, it's a houseboat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy. All right, look, we're gonna. We're gonna close it up, but we normally. We would have one of your wonderful remixes, but I wanted to get some clean audio for Jason to hear the closing of the Plug bag theme for the first time. So let's do it. Let's close up the old plug bag.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't want this.

[Scott Aukerman]

See something open, Get a rope up and start to twist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then you find that at. You getting a little. I missed what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think you're crying and you know what to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Get up in there and do what.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do do and do.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is worse than ever. They. They don't. I don't even feel like their hearts are in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And don't mess around with it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

See, this is confusing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Make sure you don't mess around.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is clumsy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mess around. You make sure you don't mess around don't mess around don't mess around this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is like a bad improv opening. This is like the beginning of an unsuccessful herald. So what I'm hearing is don't mess around. Sounds like don't mess around around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so you loved it, huh?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I didn't. I didn't like. It really was just. Just really a rhythmic clapping and the words. Don't mess around.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the first song I've ever heard. And I'm German.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, guys, I want to thank you so much for being here. Jason, great to have you on. Thank you so much for being here for the past 12 years. And, Byron, so good to have you on the show. I was so happy you could meet Jason here. Good luck with your impending robbery. We'll get you the pages tonight.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And good luck with your impending nuptials.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The nuptials, of course. Yeah. To whomever you may marry. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So much going on. Very excited. Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So much going on. And Dalton and I feel like we.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Really got to the bottom of all of the. All of the drama in the royal family that's been going on lately.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, we really got cracked that code too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, as always. Right to the point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

August Lint, it's so good to hear you. Chime in occasionally.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's my pleasure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm here to chime in, you know. So good to tell you what I'm up to. And Hotdog, it's great to have you here. I'm sure the fall. We'll see what happens with that race to the stage with Tina Turner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think we're definitely going to win because we may be able to do it as a. Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That would be good. And then Dalton. Wait a minute. Where'd Dalton go? Dalton's no longer on the zoom.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the edge, huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's almost like. Yeah. I wonder why. I wonder where he went to. Like, that would be strange if he suddenly.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The last thing I saw him do was put on his gun belt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, his holster.

[Jason Manzoukas]

His holster.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot dog holster. His hot dog shaped holster.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, wait a minute. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, no. Don Wilcox is here, man. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm here to shoot you in the thigh.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He got him in the thigh.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What? Hot dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's. He's down on the floor bleeding heavily out of his leg.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dalton, you got him. Thank God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep, I got him. And then that's the end of that. And so I guess none of the other stuff we talked about is necessary.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dalton, look out behind you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Choose to show up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With the bold styling of the Mazda CX30.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Awake up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, I'm Jenny Slate, and believe it or not, someone is allowing us to have a podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm Gabe Wiedman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm Max Silver, and we've been friends for 20 years, and we like to reach out to kind of get advice on how to live our lives. It's called I need you guys. Should I give my baby fresh vegetables? Can I drink the water at the hospital?

[Jason Manzoukas]

My landlord plays the trombone, and I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can'T ask him to stop. You should make sure that you subscribe so that you never miss an episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

I need to go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you know 39% of teen drivers admit to texting while driving? Even scarier, those who text are more likely to speed and run red lights. Shockingly, 94% know it's dangerous, but do it anyway. As a parent, you can't always be in the car, but you can stay connected to their safety with Greenlight Infinity's driving reports. Monitor their driving habits. See if they're using their phone, speeding, and more. These reports provide real data for meaningful conversations about safety.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus, with weekly updates, you can track.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Their progress over time. Help keep your teens safe. Sign up for Greenlight Infinity at greenlight. Com Podcast.