Bonus Bang: Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Apodaca (More-imony Tony)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Episode Summary Title: Bonus Bang: Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Apodaca (More-imony Tony)
Release Date: January 16, 2025

In this special episode of Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast, host Scott Aukerman brings together a trio of eccentric guests: the charming Kiwi comedian Rhys Darby, the hilariously beleaguered parody singer Alimony Tony (voiced by Paul F. Tompkins), and the quirky grocery store owner Matt Apodaca as Albert Rowe. This episode, part of the Bonus Bang series, delves deep into their unique projects, personal quirks, and the delightful chaos that ensues when their worlds collide.

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Guests Featured

• Rhys Darby – New Zealand comedian and actor known for his roles in Flight of the Conchords and Hunt for the Wilder People.
• Alimony Tony – A parody singer with a penchant for awkward song rewrites and a love-hate relationship with paying alimony.
• Matt Apodaca as Albert Rowe – Owner of Kissy's Local Grocery, renowned for his unconventional store policies and infamous reputation as the town vandal.

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Rhys Darby's Insights on "Aliens Like Us"

Rhys Darby kicks off the conversation by introducing his Spotify-exclusive podcast, "Aliens Like Us". The show explores theories surrounding extraterrestrial life, including the Ancient Astronaut Theory and the idea that UFOs might be time-traveling humans from the future.

Rhys Darby [05:25]: "Please."

Rhys humorously details his creative process, likening it to a "sound exploder for a parody of a parody singer," highlighting the layered humor he employs.

Rhys Darby [10:00]: "He wants to be funny when I'm in the lucid dream part of my sleep."

Additionally, Rhys shares anecdotes about his experiences, such as performing sound effects with Michael Winslow to secure his green card, emphasizing his dedication to comedy even in bureaucratic endeavors.

Rhys Darby [12:28]: "So amazing. That was the green card there. Right there."

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Alimony Tony's Parody Process and Love for Alimony

Alimony Tony delves into his parody songwriting process, attempting to emulate the rhyming prowess of Weird Al Yankovic. However, his methods often result in amusingly convoluted and nonsensical outcomes.

Alimony Tony [26:47]: "I'm far from the alo now."

Beyond his musical endeavors, Alimony Tony reveals his unique relationship with alimony, proudly stating his love for paying hefty alimony due to his independent wealth.

Alimony Tony [46:17]: "I love paying alimony. I love writing those checks."

His humorous take on marriage and divorce showcases his relentless pursuit of love, despite the repetitive cycle of marriages and divorces.

Alimony Tony [47:30]: "Every single time that I've gotten married, I've said, this is the one that's going to last."

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Introduction of Matt Apodaca as Albert Rowe

The episode takes a surreal turn with the introduction of Matt Apodaca portraying Albert Rowe, a grocer with a twist. Albert's grocery store, Kissie's Local Grocery, is infamous for his unconventional policies, including kissing every item before displaying it and tightening shelves with a personal touch.

Albert Rowe [66:09]: "I kiss each item in the store, and then I polish it."

Albert humorously laments the challenges faced by small businesses amidst stringent COVID policies, contrasting his unwavering adherence to his quirky practices with larger chains' compliance.

Albert Rowe [73:37]: "If you want something kissed, come to Kissie's. And if you want it kissed, I guarantee it'll be kissed."

His dynamic with Alimony Tony adds layers of absurdity, especially when discussing store vandalism, family dynamics, and elaborate disguise routines to manage his personal and professional life.

Albert Rowe [71:04]: "Do you have something written on the window of, like, if you've gotten to the 110, you've gone too far?"

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Comedy and Dynamics Among Guests

The interplay between Scott Aukerman, Rhys Darby, Alimony Tony, and Albert Rowe is the heart of this episode. Their banter ranges from discussions about parody songwriting and alien theories to marital escapades and grocery store antics. The conversation is peppered with absurd humor, witty comebacks, and playful exchanges that epitomize the Comedy Bang Bang style.

Notable moments include:

• Rhys Darby attempting to explain complex double meanings, leading to hilarious misunderstandings.
• Alimony Tony's struggle to craft non-rhyming song parodies, resulting in nonsensical yet funny lyrics.
• Albert Rowe's fervent defense of his store's unique practices amidst a backdrop of changing pandemic guidelines.

Scott Aukerman [27:26]: "Do your parodies actually like Weird Al's?"

Alimony Tony [43:59]: "I feel like I inserted my song parody sideline into the main hub."

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Notable Quotes

• Rhys Darby [09:00]: "I'm thinking now it's possibly a triple meaning because I myself am an alien with regards to living in America."
• Alimony Tony [46:17]: "I love paying alimony."
• Albert Rowe [73:37]: "If you want something kissed, come to Kissie's. And if you want it kissed, I guarantee it'll be kissed."
• Rhys Darby [51:03]: "That's exactly correct. They start out as people. Then they become future murderers."
• Alimony Tony [58:54]: "I keep forgetting to do the math on this. What am I doing?"

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Conclusions and Takeaways

This episode exemplifies Comedy Bang Bang's unique blend of improv, surreal humor, and character-driven storytelling. Through the lens of Rhys Darby, Alimony Tony, and Albert Rowe, listeners are treated to a whirlwind of jokes, bizarre anecdotes, and insightful (yet hilariously offbeat) discussions about personal projects and idiosyncratic lifestyles.

Key Takeaways:

• Creative Parody: Alimony Tony's attempts at parody songwriting highlight both the challenges and humorous potential of derivative work.
• Quirky Entrepreneurship: Albert Rowe exemplifies how eccentricity can become a business's unique selling proposition amidst conventional market pressures.
• Absurd Storytelling: The guests' exaggerated tales and humorous interactions underscore the show's commitment to pushing the boundaries of comedic conversation.

Listeners who appreciate offbeat humor, character-driven comedy, and the interplay of absurdity with intellect will find this episode particularly engaging. It serves as a testament to Comedy Bang Bang's enduring legacy as a hub for unconventional comedy and beloved on-air personalities.

Promotional Highlights:

• Rhys Darby's Podcast: "Aliens Like Us" is available exclusively on Spotify, inviting listeners to explore alien theories with a comedic twist.
• Matt Apodaca's Grocery Store: Kissie's Local Grocery stands out with its policy of kissing every item, leaving customers both amused and mystified.

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Note: This summary intentionally omits non-content sections such as advertisements, intros, and outros to focus solely on the substantive discussions and comedic exchanges that define the episode.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

Just $45.99 a month. What if I only watch news about whether or not I can afford a boat? 45.99amonth. What about news about how I lost money on the stock market then made money on the stock market? Still $45.99.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about news I only watch so I have something to make small talk about in uncomfortable situations.

[Alimony Tony]

Um, did you know police captured five.

[Scott Aukerman]

Runaway zebras in Washington yesterday? Well played.

[Alimony Tony]

Get all your favorite news programs for the best price.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sling lets you do that. Visit sling.comnews to see your offer. Hey everyone. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman, host and welcome to this very special second episode of our Bonus Bang series, Morimony Tony. Now you know what Bonus Bangs are. They're the episodes that we have previously recorded in previous years that we're taking out from behind the paywall over at CBB World. And this particular series, Morimony Tony, it focuses on our favorite episodes with the unlucky in love or perhaps lucky in love, depending on who you talk to. Parody singer Alimony Tony. And this week's episode is number 654, originally titled Lassie is Benji and this was released May 10, 2020. It features Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins as of course Alimony Tony and Matt Apodaca as grocer Albert Rowe. Now in this episode, Alimony Tony deep dives his parody writing process. It's basically song exploder for a parody of a parody singer. Now, if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber of [e-mail] where you can find every single episode we've recorded over the past 15 and a half years, as well as every single live episode including all of our 2024 tour. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. If you have red hair, were put up for adoption, and sing for no reason, you just might be an Annie. Welcome To Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, yes. Thank you to Geno's Gooch. Geno's Gooch for that wonderful catchphrase submission. Thank you, Geno's Gooch. And welcome to comedy Bang Bang 4. Another edition. And this is a rare, rare Comedy Bang Bang After Dark. We so seldom record them at nighttime, but nighttime is the right time, of course. And as Arsenio hall once said, it's a night thing, mainly due to the fact that his show was on late at night. Well, welcome to the show. This is a night edition for us. We are certainly morning in America, but it is not morning in America for us. However, for one of our guests, it is the afternoon. Because we have such a drastic time difference and that'll be very exciting. We'll go through exactly what the time difference is. This is going to take up the majority of the interview, I would imagine. It's just figuring it out and laying down, well, if, if LA time is this, what is New Zealand time? That'll take a good 20, 25 minutes, I would imagine. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of the show and we have a very exciting show coming up a little later. We have a grocer, someone who owns a grocery store. We also have, I think this guy is independently wealthy. I can't remember if he has a job, but we'll be talking. And by the way, I'm not talking about you, Rhys, although you may be independently wealthy. I have no idea. I haven't looked celebrity net worth at this point of exactly how much you have in the bank. But if you wouldn't mind disclosing that information during the interview, we certainly can do that. I mentioned his first name. He is our first guest. He is coming to us from New Zealand. He is a wonderful comedian, a wonderful actor. You know him from such shows as Flight of the Concords, a great movie I just saw for the first time the other day, Hunt for the Wilder People. You know him from so much stuff. He has a new podcast which may be out already, may be coming out soon, we don't know. That's going to take up another good 35 minute chunk of the interview. It's called Aliens Like Us. And maybe that means that aliens don't despise us. Maybe they just like us, I don't know. Or maybe aliens are similar to us. That'll take up another chunk.

[Alimony Tony]

Please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to the show. Reece Darby. Welcome back to the show. Hello, Reese.

[Rhys Darby]

Thank you, thank you for having me. And yes, that title, it's the old Derby double meaning what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ddm?

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're kidding me.

[Rhys Darby]

Oh, yeah. You know, how did we get one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of those so soon?

[Rhys Darby]

Well, I saved one for you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

What exactly is the double meaning? It's. Describe the two meanings. Because I'm not sure what the word double means.

[Rhys Darby]

Okay, well, for Americans, let me describe how this works. Okay, so there's one meaning that the phrase can mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm on board.

[Rhys Darby]

Okay. So just. That's pretty ordinary. Average.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Rhys Darby]

I'm saying something. It has a meaning. And when you double it. Now this is a. This is particularly in the. In the derby double, you get more than one meaning out of the phrase. Now this is so good for the economy as well as you can imagine.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're working smarter, not harder.

[Rhys Darby]

Am I right? So I try to put double meaning into a lot of things, giving the population, you know, more chance of understanding it, putting it in their own basket. You can, you can. It's the yin and the yang of speech.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are some of the other projects you've been involved with that have double meanings? I'm. I'm really fascinated with this.

[Rhys Darby]

Well, one of the. One of my early shows, Walking and Talking. Yeah. Which it was a fairly obvious double meaning. You know, what was the double meaning?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. You're definitely. I can picture it right now, people you are walking while you're actually talking. Is that. That's one of the meanings.

[Rhys Darby]

Okay, that's right. But the other meaning, which was. It's quite complex, but I'm talking specifically about walking and talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're talking about the show that you're doing.

[Rhys Darby]

Yes. So the show itself, I would be talking about talking and the subject of walking. Now, there was only two episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it, Is it possible to walk about walking?

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, I think so. I mean. Well, at least I thought so, but the show got canned on episode three when I did just do the walk about the walk.

[Scott Aukerman]

So in the middle of episode three, they just canceled it. I didn't know a podcast could get canceled like that.

[Rhys Darby]

It was one of the only mid episode cancels that New Zealand's ever had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I. Look, I've canceled my share of podcasts in my day as a podcast impresario, but you usually wait until the episode has aired. You bring someone in, you lower the boom. Actually, there's this guy in the office who usually I make do it. This guy Matt. And he's the guy. He's kind of our. Who was the guy in Moneyball who basically. Oh yeah, my second favorite Mr. Bean movie. Billy Bean. He would call people in and he would just say, you've been let go of the team. He wouldn't give any sort of, like, you know, preamble or anything like that. He just got bad news out of the way.

[Rhys Darby]

A cold let go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is different than a cold Lithgow, which was John Lithgow in his early movies.

[Rhys Darby]

Wait, did he die?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, no. Well, as of press time, you never know what's going on. Look, we just heard about Roy from Siegfried and Roy. I mean, it's a terrible time here in America.

[Rhys Darby]

It's a horrendous time.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now what is the show about? Are you an alien in it? Are you the titular U.S. well, yeah.

[Rhys Darby]

I mean, here's your double meanings coming through. And I'm thinking now it's possibly a triple meaning because I myself am an alien with regards to living in America. An alien with exceptional abilities as per the visa requirements, which then gave me, you know, the green. The green card.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that is, by the way, something that you need to prove somehow that they don't just give green cards to anyone. You have to have exceptional abilities.

[Rhys Darby]

You do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you tested during that process?

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, well, they. I think there's some really heavy Googling that they do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Rhys Darby]

Because. Yeah, I had to put a lot of fake stuff up online about, you know, projects I'd done. Obviously, I put out walking and talking. Sure. My other shows, which was canceled as well, Fishing for Answers, which was another. Another double meaning show. It was a fishing show. And. Yeah. So. But I.

[Scott Aukerman]

But. But there's no. There's no Devil Went down to Georgia Style, like face to face comedy off that you have with another entertainer where you prove that you're more exceptional than they are.

[Rhys Darby]

Oh, no, you've got to do that. Yeah. I had to go to San Francisco and do a sound effects off against Michael Winslow, which of course was. No. Oh, yeah, that was tricky.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what put you over the top? And first of all, what did win? Is it like a spelling bee where you get the same sound effect and then you say use it in a sentence?

[Rhys Darby]

I wish. I wish. In fact, I would pitch that for the next. For the next meeting. But no, we just sort of jumped on stage together and we did sound effects. He would do some great stuff with his, you know, the. The loud hailer. He would do a lot of good megaphone work. I brought in my doors opening. I'm famous for creaky door, you know, that kind of thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is the longest, creakiest door I think I've Ever heard that is a master class in a creaky door.

[Rhys Darby]

Thank you. The longest I've done is three minutes 20 and. Wow. Unfortunately, yeah, that show was cancelled to mid. Mid Creek, which was disappointing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wasn't that show called Dawson's Creek as well?

[Rhys Darby]

That's another. That's another show. No, this one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's.

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, that. I'm still working on that one. That's actually the name of my creek here on the property. The previous owner, John Dawson, sold me this land for very cheap and then unfortunately died in the creek. So that's something we have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. He sold it to you and then died before he could vacate the property.

[Rhys Darby]

Yep, in the creek. And he's still there now. So it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what sound effect was it that put you over the top with Winslow? Because Winslow has the motorcycle. He has. I'm trying to think of some other famous Winslows from those Police Academy movies. I have, of course, the Doppler effect train, which I've done many times on the show that.

[Rhys Darby]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he did. He did trains. He also did various motor vehicles. But I blew the audience away with my helicopter. And I think that was the. That was the clincher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rick, could we hear a little bit of the helicopter right now?

[Rhys Darby]

Yep. Here we go. So this was the. The Hughes 300 coming in. Okay, imagine it. Here we go. So amazing. That was the green card there. Right there. That was right there. I remember the guy at the back standing up just applauding and he actually yelled out, green card. I couldn't believe it. So that was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's amazing. I mean, we're so glad that you are, of course, able to work as an entertainer here. You've been in so many great things over here. And this podcast. So is it about. And I have no information on this podcast, so I'm going blind. So I'm just going to ask you the dumbest. Treat me like I'm the dumbest idiot you've ever met and explain. Explain this podcast to me and kind of try to sneer in your voice if you could. Like you're tired of dealing with this dumb idiot. You know, just treat me like that if you could.

[Rhys Darby]

Okay, I'll try my best, you fool. Look, it's basically about aliens, okay? Aliens are like us because aliens are us. We like aliens because we. They are us. It is us we're liking. Now, going back in time, which, by the way, aliens can do specifically if they are us. One of the theories about UFO craft is that they are Time traveling humans from the future. And there was a lot of evidence to support that. The other theory that we bring up, ancient aliens, you would have seen that or at least heard of that TV show, Ancient Astronaut Theory. The idea that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, treat me like the dumbest idiot in the world. I've never heard of that TV show.

[Rhys Darby]

Okay. Okay, well, come. Okay. Sit down for a start.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sit. Okay. I'm. I'm sorry, sir, I'm sorry. I've been standing.

[Rhys Darby]

Okay, stop touching me. Now just sit down. Have a glass of water and put your. Put your headphones on and turn your microphone around the right way.

[Alimony Tony]

Good.

[Rhys Darby]

That's it. Put your shirt back on. Good. Good boy. Okay. Have you heard of aliens?

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh, I don't know.

[Rhys Darby]

All right, we're out of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, bye. If you could be a guy who's out there in the world, hopping from dimension to dimension, would you?

[Rhys Darby]

Oh, yeah. You kidding me? That's my dream.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was not kidding you. But now I feel insecure, like I should have been kidding you, like I should have been joking. You've made me feel small, Rhys. So this is a podcast that stars you. Is it just you? Is it just you talking the whole time, or do you talk to other people?

[Rhys Darby]

It is me and a series of mirrors and microphones and audio equipment. Michael Winslow's there. And of course, you know the. The US government. A green card officer.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's there in the back, really, the entire time, checking up on you.

[Rhys Darby]

He. Well, he pops in from time to time and just checks on the level of my hilarity. And if it slips, he's sort of. He pats me on the shoulder and just whispers. Remember that green card deal we had?

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So currently, like, what level of hilarity are you at? Like, what percentage are you at in.

[Rhys Darby]

I try to keep it a solid seven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seven percent. Really?

[Rhys Darby]

No, seven out of ten.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh, okay, so 70%, I guess so.

[Rhys Darby]

If you put it into percentages. But yeah, I have a. I have a couple of co hosts, Buttons, you would have heard of him. And Ethan Edinburgh. So those. And I've got an American, and Buttons is an alien like me from New Zealand. So that's us three Ethan producers. And then we have regular guests. Some are irregular, but most are fully regular.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I gotta say I'm jealous of you because I've been doing the show for 11 years now. It just seems like my guests, like, every once in a rare while, I get a great talent like you, Rhys, who is. It just delivers and is. Is truly Exceptional, the way that it says on your green card. But then I get these irregular guests. These. If I could be frank, just these weirdos coming in here all the time. I don't know how to keep them out. I mean, do you have, like, some sort of vetting process or. What is that?

[Rhys Darby]

That's my phone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, your phone's ringing. Oh, do you want to take that, or.

[Rhys Darby]

Hello?

[Albert Rowe]

Hey, there.

[Rhys Darby]

Just checking up on you with the green card situation.

[Alimony Tony]

You're dropping to a six.

[Rhys Darby]

Now, I just want you to get through this podcast. I know it's not easy, it's not fun, but it's just part of the requirements. If you can just push it up to a 7, possibly an 8, and then we'll let you through to the next round. All right, screen card John out. Sorry, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, so that's okay. Who was that? We didn't hear any of that on my end.

[Rhys Darby]

Oh, green card John. It's my green card.

[Scott Aukerman]

John. Was checking up on you. He is thorough.

[Rhys Darby]

He's great, but he never lets up. Like, every day when I wake up, there's often a message on my phone. I've got to stay at a solid seven, as he says. And it looks like we're slipping a bit here, so if we can. We can get a bit more hilarity out. Scott, that'd be much obvious.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll definitely try to. I don't know that I can supply any on my end, but. Do you have to be funny while you're sleeping? Is that. Does that tie into the average? Like, do you have to be at a 10 when you're not sleeping? Because when you're sleeping, you're at a one or.

[Rhys Darby]

He wants to be funny. When I'm in the lucid dream part of my sleep. So, yeah, every few hours as I'm waking, I need to sort of be funny in that sense. So I try my hardest. I have a notebook next to my bed with funny ideas and that I look at and try to make those ideas come true. And my lucid dreams, that's when I hope to sort of actually enter other dimensions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So most people, when they're dreaming, they wake up, dream of something funny, and write it down in the notebook. You keep funny things in the notebook by your bed to look at when you wake up. Enter my eyes. Interesting. That's an interesting process. Well, you know, we learn so much about the man behind the work that we've come to know and love here. Aliens Like Us is a podcast. It's out there. Where can People get it, I guess, anywhere podcasts are, or is it a Patreon or. How do people listen to this?

[Rhys Darby]

This is a Spotify exclusive podcast. So, yeah, it's mainly on Spotify.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like it's exclusive to it just from context clues that I picked up on.

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, there's some subtle clues coming through here. And this is all stuff I've been told to say, but, yeah, it's all out there Now. We've got 10 apps. You can binge the whole thing. And we have amazing guests. We've got Jim Jeffries, who I know you guys know. We've got Jack Osborne, who's a big believer in UFOs and stuff. And also. Yeah, absolutely, for Realsy. And also, you know, we've got a plethora of actual legit UFO people that weigh in on the phenomenon. So, yeah, it's a lot of fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get that Tom DeLonge guy on there? I bet he's someone you want on, right?

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, I'd love to talk to that guy. He's very much down the rabbit hole, and we're trying to dig as much as we can to find him. He's. He's in hot demand. So I'm thinking if we go forward into the future, he'd be a hot guest for sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you could probably get the other guy from Blink 182 easily.

[Rhys Darby]

Oh, yeah, we've had the rest of them, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course. But Tom, he's a slippery guy. Now, what do you think about. We were talking about this the other day on the show, but it's not NASA who's in charge of Area 51, but they basically released all of these tapes saying, like, oh, yeah, here's all of our archived UFO tapes. Go crazy. Yeah. We have no idea what they are, and they might be aliens, who knows? Did you get a chance to look at those?

[Rhys Darby]

It's subtle. I've got a big laugher on the other end there. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's a future guest. It's one of the things. While doing the show remotely, I think our future guest sounds like he's a big fan of what's going on.

[Rhys Darby]

Oh, okay. Well, that's good. If that gets us up into the eight zone, I'd appreciate that. In fact, that's what I used to do when I did my stand up. If it felt like it was slipping, I'd just laugh heavily myself on stage. And it's, you know how it's kind of addictive. Everyone would just Start laughing eventually. And I'd sort of. Sometimes I'd close on that. Just a big laugh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe we could close on that for this episode. I think that might be a good idea.

[Rhys Darby]

I think that would be perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, it's work. Honestly, it's working on me already.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful. Well, aliens like us is out there, much like the truth was out there on the X Files, which was a show about aliens. So the connections are there if you look for them. And all 10 episodes are available to binge right now.

[Rhys Darby]

Which best way to hear. Best way to hear Bingi.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long. Remember that dog, Benji? Yes. Do you remember the movie for the Love of Benji?

[Rhys Darby]

No, didn't see that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was one of the sequels to Benji, I believe there was Benji then maybe Benji Returns. And then the third one in the trilogy was for the Love of Benji.

[Rhys Darby]

That's funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is sort of like an epithet, almost like Benji is tantamount to Jesus Christ, you know, for the love of Christ.

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, he's. He's really been elevated there. I wonder if anyone's actually binged the Benji's. Oh, I would have done a full Benji. Benji. Benji.

[Scott Aukerman]

Benji might have been the Jesus of dogs when you think about it. I mean, no other dog really has had so many movies done about him.

[Rhys Darby]

Just like if you, if you discount Lassie for sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lassie. Lassie was a TV star though. Did he have movies?

[Rhys Darby]

Yes, he did, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he did. He had movies.

[Rhys Darby]

Who can forget Benji?

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a Benji movie though. So you're getting confused. That was actually a Benji movie.

[Rhys Darby]

Unfortunately, that was a Lassie movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was, that was, that was. That was one of the Lassie movies. Benji. Yeah, that's.

[Rhys Darby]

That's where they went wrong with the guy. His first movie was called Benji and.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, yeah, I feel like Lassie was a TV star. It's so hard to translate, you know, and like segue from TV into film. Obviously you don't have that problem. You are the star of both the small screen and the. But. But with screens getting smaller these days, sometimes the screens in your house, you know, on TV are bigger than the screens in the movie theaters. I. That's controversial. I barely wanted to say it, but it's getting weird. It's crazy. Well, Rhys, Aliens Like Us is the show. It's out there. Apparently Spotify loves it so much they want to keep it to themselves. So you must have an active Spotify account or at least be sharing a Spotify account. Do you want to give out your Spotify account just so People can share it.

[Rhys Darby]

What is that? I'm not sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just your password. Like, probably your Spotify password is probably the same as your email password.

[Rhys Darby]

So if you just tell us that Lassie is Benji.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Lassie is Benji.

[Rhys Darby]

Anything capitalized there or the last S and Lassie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, the very last s. The last s of two. Well, wonderful aliens like us people can binge it right now. And Rhys, can you stick around? We have another guest that we want to get to right now.

[Rhys Darby]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, I don't know whether this next guest has a double meaning to his name. I'm excited to find out. As far as I know, he has one single name and it has to do with one characteristic of his personality. Now, Rhys, this is a guy who's been on the show a few times before, and I can't remember exactly anything about him other than he has had a lot of ex wives and he pays a lot of money to them. Please welcome back to the show Alimony Tony. Hello, Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, Scott, what a pleasure. Thank you for having me back on the program. It's so good to see you, Reese. Great to meet you too. Thank you very much for welcoming me onto the show as the second guest. This is very exciting for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is very exciting. Now, Reece, have you heard of Alimony Tony before? He's sort of well renowned in the States.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I'd be extremely flattered. Oh, come now. You haven't heard of Alimony Tony. Perhaps you've heard of my alter ego, My musical alter ego, Weird Ammoni Alimony Tony, where I do song parodies under the. That's right, Nom de satire, Weirdomony Alimony Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were some of your famous song parodies, by the way?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, none of them were famous. As you recall, all of my YouTube videos have one view, and that's me checking to make sure that it's been uploaded properly. And what I do is I take popular songs, much like Weird Al Yankovic, I take popular songs of the day, and I rewrite the lyrics to make them amusing and not what the song was originally about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do your parodies actually like Weird Al's? He usually rhymes his words. His new titles rhyme with the old titles. So, like another one Bites the Dust, he does another one Rides the bus. Do you follow that logic with your parodies?

[Alimony Tony]

I often do. Sometimes I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not really. So what?

[Rhys Darby]

Wow, we're really getting the info here, aren't we?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, name a song. Name a song and I'll tell you what the parody title may or may not be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, how about Lady Gaga's and Bradley Cooper's shallow, shallow.

[Alimony Tony]

So you take the house. How's that go? Shallow, shallow, shallow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I say, it seems like you're. You're stalling for time.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I'm thinking. Is that the same thing as stalling for time?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not quite sure. Well, I guess I feel like my.

[Alimony Tony]

Process is very transparent. I'm repeating the word shallow over and over again and saying what does that rhyme with? I don't think that it's stalling for time. I'm literally trying to think of a word that rhymes with shallow. I know you like to accuse people of. This is not one of those instances.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, maybe you could start at the beginning.

[Alimony Tony]

Transparency is important. Yes. Aloe. Oh, there we go. Perfect. Perfect. So I've got a. You know, the song is about. I've got a bird and I have to put aloe on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that's.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm not. I'm not close to it. It's in the medicine cabinet. So I say I'm far from the aloe now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but you're. You're trying to make.

[Alimony Tony]

Where's the aloe? Aloe. Where's the al.

[Rhys Darby]

La la la.

[Alimony Tony]

Where's the alo? I'm far from the alo. Now do you see?

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. Yeah, I get the point. So what are one of the ones that did not rhyme, though?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, they have a song and I'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell you, I thought that's what we did before.

[Alimony Tony]

No, aloe rhymed with shallow.

[Rhys Darby]

I know, It's a fun process.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reese, do you have a favorite song that maybe he could pick for something?

[Rhys Darby]

Well, I. I've always been a fan of Return to Sender. You know, the Elvis.

[Alimony Tony]

Return to Sender. Elvis Presley. Wonderful song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Based upon the. The. The one post Office.

[Alimony Tony]

That's right. It was one of the few songs. Please, you have to. Please, Mr. Postman, you have one of the other Post Office songs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you buy me a roll of 1 cent stamps?

[Alimony Tony]

That's right. Forever and ever stamps. Saluting aeronautics.

[Scott Aukerman]

The song Elvis Presley Tribute stamp. That's Elvis. Elvis Presley actually sang that song.

[Alimony Tony]

Elvis Presley Tribute step dude. See, that's a song parody. That's a bonus. All right, let's. Let's see. Return to Senate. Return to Center. Okay, so what would be a song parody title that would not rhyme but would be a parody of?

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like there are way more words that you could use for this exact.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, that. That's the thing. That's the thing. I have to go through the Alphabet for each individual word. So return. What rhymes with return?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, so I thought you were trying to think of things that did not rhyme with return.

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly. So I start there, and then I say, okay, use that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems to me like you could start at the. In the dictionary and just go word by word like a, and then aardvark.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I use the Sherlock Hole deductive reasoning method, which is I take the possible, eliminate that. I'm left with the impossible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, all right. So what rhymes with sender?

[Alimony Tony]

So what rhymes with what rhymes. Okay, now you get ahead of yourself because sender's at the end, so we need to know where the sentence begins. And so we start with.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're doing every word.

[Alimony Tony]

Look, that's what I. This is what you asked me to do, and this is what I'm doing. This is my process. Okay, I thought you were interested in the creative process than actually coming up with a song, I guess that I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Found in this interview. I'm more interested in the results.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I see. Well, then I could come back later and give you the. Does it take you that long to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think of a word that doesn't rhyme with sender or return?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, because first I have to come up with the words that do rhyme, eliminate them, and then let's go through a bender.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fender.

[Alimony Tony]

Gender, out. They rhyme out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lender. Mender.

[Alimony Tony]

Can't use it. Can't use it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pender. Pretender.

[Alimony Tony]

Is hender a word?

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably not. So you can see, this is.

[Alimony Tony]

This is the problem with the Alphabet method. Sometimes you stumble upon words that aren't real, and then what do you do? You get stuck on those for a while. You say, well, hender. Is that a word? I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you know? Because it does rhyme, but it's not a real word.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, it's a. Henderson is a name. So if you're the son of Hender. Was Hender one of those jobs like Smith, where there was. There was a town Hender? It's like, oh, you have to take that to the Hender to have it handed.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then that's speaking of John Lithgow, Harry and the Hendersons. Was he in that?

[Alimony Tony]

I was not speaking of John Lithgow. Were you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, before you came on the show, we were speaking of John Lithgow.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, I mean, I think I've spoken of him in my life, if that counts.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were the things that you said about him?

[Alimony Tony]

Did you see that new John Lithgow show? It's called Third off from the sun. So this is going back quite a ways.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some of the other words would be tender.

[Alimony Tony]

Can't use it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Vendor, obviously.

[Alimony Tony]

Can't use it. Can't use it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm running out of ideas. Is that about.

[Alimony Tony]

When does someone. Someone who wends their way. Wender. Can't use it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Reese, do you have any on your mind?

[Rhys Darby]

We're still stuck on sender, are we?

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly. We need to eliminate the words that rhyme with sender. So I could come up with a word to put in its place that in no way rhymes with.

[Scott Aukerman]

We haven't even approached return at this point.

[Rhys Darby]

What about. All right, well, what about blender?

[Scott Aukerman]

Blender.

[Alimony Tony]

Can't use it. Can't use it.

[Rhys Darby]

All right, so that's gone. That's a good as a shame. That's a good one.

[Alimony Tony]

If only this were one of the socks. If you see. You see, if this was. If this was one of the songs where the title rhymed traditional, we'd be halfway there. Oh, living on a prayer.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that was not a parody, by the way, what you just did. That was just a reference.

[Alimony Tony]

No, that was not a parody. That was a classic word association, which I have to do in order to. To check my. My mental faculties. That's. I do a little home psychology and. And I look at. I look at old stains and see what pictures I see in them. What else do I do? I think about my mom. A lot of classic psychology stuff. Sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes that's my process as well. By the way, I think about your mom, too. Hello. Right.

[Alimony Tony]

Scott, I think. I think you're making a joke. You were making a joke. I could tell by this. The. Hey. Oh, at the end. So. Yes. So a word association, very important. I will. I will think of a word that I'll try to immediately. Second word. So I wake up and I think, all right, here's. We're going to start the word association test. And I say cat. That I may say John, because I associate dogs with. With cats because they're the chase each.

[Scott Aukerman]

Other all the time or they're constantly chasing each other.

[Alimony Tony]

They're at war.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, almost like aliens and predators.

[Alimony Tony]

Almost. I was thinking more the lichens of the vampires from the Underworld series of films directed by Len Weisman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Another, by the way, previous guest on this show, Wiseman. Len Wise. Yeah, he's been a guest on this show. Interesting guy. He likes sex parties and stuff like that recently. Ever been to. You ever been to a sex party?

[Alimony Tony]

A Hollywood sex party?

[Rhys Darby]

Not one of his.

[Alimony Tony]

Have you been to a New Zealand sex party where everyone knows each other.

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, it's a little harder to have a sex party here in New Zealand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because sex is more difficult or. Yeah, there's just fewer choices.

[Alimony Tony]

It's a smaller population. It's like, oh, you again.

[Rhys Darby]

Everybody knows each other. And even if you wear the masks, there's only one mask shop. And so you go in there and everyone knows which masks have been taken, who has which mask. Oh, has John got that? As he. Oh, Mary's got that one. All right, so. And you kind of. You can tell in your head who's who, even through the masks.

[Alimony Tony]

One of the things I tell people when they come to this country, if they come from another country, I say, welcome to America. Please take full advantage of a many mask shops. Don't let yourself. Don't let yourself miss out on an opportunity to buy all sorts of masks and take them back home. Even just browsing the. Fine with that. You can browse around and look at the masks. Some. Some places will let you try them on, some places won't let you do it because they're worried about gerbs. And it turns out those people were right. I think a lot of the current situation we're in is people trying on elaborate masks. And now I. Now look, we all have to wear masks. What an ironic turn of events worthy of Rod Serling's the Twilight Zone.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that it was once they put a Halloween superstore that was open year round. Suddenly, like, it just opened the floodgates to germ city.

[Alimony Tony]

You know, I think the Halloween should have remade at the store level, and they should not have gone super because that they couldn't control it. It's like our friend Jeff Goldblum from the dinosaur movie saying, oh, I thought.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want from the fly.

[Alimony Tony]

No, this is a different Jeff Goldblum.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, look.

[Alimony Tony]

Am I being ushered off the stage? Did the sandman come in? And I heard your distinctive well look, and I thought, well, that's it for Al Monotoni.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's done. No, no, no, you're not done. What I.

[Alimony Tony]

When Scott gives the well look, that's it for you. You got to get out.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no. I'm just saying we have to take a break. So I wanted to give you some time to really perfect your return to Sender Paradox.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay. I do have a lot more to say about Jeff Goldblum with the dinosaur movie. Hopefully that's tied for both of the next segment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, you can certainly talk during the commercial about it if that gets it out of your system.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I need people to hear it. We also we never even got into my latest marriage and divorce.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the Thing Barely has anything to do with song parodies.

[Alimony Tony]

No, it doesn't. But that's the thing you're most interested in.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll talk about alimony, Tony's most recent wife, and we'll hopefully get an answer as to what words do not rhyme with return and sender. And we'll have more Rhys Darby here with us. And coming up a little later, a grocer. So this is a star packed show, so you do not want to miss a thing from this. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy. We're having entrepreneurs back on the show and they are going to use it. It helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. You can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or [e-mail] Bang Bang Squarespace payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. With Squarespace, onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks of the dear mouse, my dear boy, and start receiving payments right away. Plus give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like and here we go with them. They're going to sound made up, but maybe you know what they are. Klarna Ach Direct Debit in the US Apple Pay Afterpay in the US and Canada and Clearpay in the UK Squarespace. Look, what do I need to say about them? We've been using them now for it feels like I know it's over a decade. I think we did all the earwolf websites with Squarespace. They're the best. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are Ready to launch squarespace.com Bang Bang will save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Thanks Squarespace. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What do you want your 2025 story to be? Every January brings you 365 blank pages just waiting to be filled with all of your adventures and exploits in 2025. Maybe you're ready for a plot twist. Maybe there's part of your story that you've been wanting to revise. We're keeping this metaphor going. Well, life isn't about resolutions that fade by February. It's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your own life. Think of therapy as your editorial partner, helping you write new chapters and create the meaningful story that you deserve to live. BetterHelp will help you do this. It's entirely online. It makes therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Oh, like Mr. Worldwide. I hope Pitbull is one of them. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists anytime at no additional cost. Write your story with better help. Visit betterhelp.com Bang Bang to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com Bang Bang. We all like to be flexible, don't we? That's why we take yoga every single day, right? Five hours a day. Well, flexibility is great, but what about when and how you get tasks done? Well, flexibility in your workday means you can decide when and where to invest your time with stamps.com tedious tasks like sending certified mail, that's really hard to say. Tedious tasks like sending certified mail invoices, checks or documents and packages. All of this can be done on your time, not someone else's. Stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever. Access all the USPS and UPS services you need to run your business right from your computer or phone, anytime, day or night. No lines, no traffic, no waiting. Stamps.com, they've been one of our super sponsors for the past decade. We use them so much, especially in the early days of Earwolf. We mailed everything, we mailed podcasts to people with stamps.com have more flexibility in your life with stamps. Did I say staps? It's stamps.com sign [e-mail] and use code Bang Bang for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, code Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang. We are back here. We have of course the great legendary all the way from New Zealand itself, Rhys Darby is here with us. His recent podcast, most recent podcast that has not been canceled mid second or mid third episode. Excuse me, he got all the way to 10 episodes of this is called Aliens Like Us. It's out there. It's a Spotify exclusive. Welcome back to the show, Rhys. Great to see you.

[Rhys Darby]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

We also have. And I've given him a lot of time. Apparently he has more to say about Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic park, which we want to get to as well.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, Jurassic Park. That's the name. That's the name of the dinosaur movie. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

But Alimony Tony is here, AKA Weirdamoni. Alimony Tony. Have you been thinking up various possibilities for what this song parody could be during the break?

[Alimony Tony]

I'll be quite honest, I haven't been.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why we're wasting time.

[Alimony Tony]

I got so purpose taking the break. I know. I got so. I got so hung up on trying to remember the day of the dinosaur film. And. And I wish I just asked someone. I wish I just asked you what was the name of the dinosaur movie anyway? Because I knew it wasn't even the dinosaur movie. That's a different film, I think. And I wish I just said, what was the name of the dinosaur movie? And then you can said Jurassic Park. And then it went, great, great, great. Now I have freed up some headspace to really focus on the return to said non rhyming parody title.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so I. Okay, so we're in rough draft stage at this point, but can I say this is.

[Alimony Tony]

This is actually. This is actually more difficult than I thought to come up with a title that is a. It's a parody of retard to send a. And yet the title does not ride.

[Scott Aukerman]

I could do five of them off the top of my head.

[Alimony Tony]

Let's. Let's hear them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meat and potatoes.

[Rhys Darby]

Wow.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, that's pretty good. Meat and potatoes. I like to eat a full food.

[Rhys Darby]

Right, Here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gyms and restaurants.

[Alimony Tony]

Gyms and restaurants. No, I don't think that one works.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sorry. But at least me try to sing it.

[Alimony Tony]

So you said you could come up with five and gyms and restaurants, but you're cheating a little bit because return is two syllables.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You want to stick to the syllable count.

[Alimony Tony]

I don't want to do this at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then why are we doing it?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, you. This was something. Scott, you'll forgive me. You. You seized on this idea. You wouldn't let it go. You were like a dog with a boat. And then I. I was trying to be as polite as I possibly could. And yes, I'll admit right now I was stalling for time. Not when you thought I was, but other times when I started talking about Jeff Goldber, the dinosaur movie that was me stalling for time. And of course, I remembered at some point it was Jurassic park, and I pretended that I didn't know. But I don't want to do this. It's making me feel very small and stupid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I apologize. I don't mean to make our guests feel that way. By the way, meat and potatoes does not fit into the syllables. And yet you thought it was okay, so I. You know, it does.

[Alimony Tony]

Meat and potatoes. It does fit into the syllables.

[Scott Aukerman]

Return meat and.

[Alimony Tony]

Potatoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Start saying meat and potatoes over and over. Meat.

[Rhys Darby]

And it can work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Potatoes.

[Rhys Darby]

It needs work, but it is workable.

[Alimony Tony]

It's workable. Thank you, Rhys. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Alimony Tony]

Look, I feel terrible, Scott. I feel terrible about this. I feel like I inserted my song parody sideline into the main hub.

[Scott Aukerman]

This side dish became one of the mains. Exactly.

[Alimony Tony]

That was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is not. If you're watching Top Chef, that is a bad situation for the chefs because.

[Alimony Tony]

And we're not. We're doing that. We're doing the show. So we are doing the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

I shouldn't have done that, and I do apologize. I'd love to just talk about paying alibody if I miss. Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your main thing. Could you explain to Rhys who you are and what you do?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, Rhys. My name is Alamoto Tony. I think my last name is Chuck Cherry. But I can't. I can't be 100% about that because it's been a while, and I've been married and divorced many, many times because I love pay alibody. I love it. It gives me a real charge. And I have been married or divorced so many times and starting to lose count. It's been over. I think it's been close to a dozen now. And the thing is, I'm independently wealthy because my mother invented gaseous paper, and I am worth roughly, roughly a couple trillion dollars. And so even though I am paying a lot of alimony, I'm not really feeling it, but I love. I love writing those checks. I love it. Love paying alibody.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you. You, Tony, you. You enter each marriage wanting it to work.

[Alimony Tony]

I have to marry for love as much as I love paying alimony. I must always marry for love. And every single year, you're not going to believe me. And I don't blame you for not believing me, but every single time that I've gotten married, I've said, this is the one that's going to last.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rhys, do you believe him? He thought you would not believe him. Do you believe him?

[Rhys Darby]

Well, he sounds like One of the few people that's managed to achieve that ultimate goal of having your cake and eating it too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, I have to ask, has there ever been a time where, unfortunately one of your ex wives has gotten remarried and you no longer have to pay alimony?

[Alimony Tony]

There have been some close shaves and certainly there was one young wife called Janine. And Janine did remarry, but her husband died during the wedding. So it was right after the I dos, so she was officially a widow. But it turns out that a deceased husband, his name was Walter, he was penniless and a fraud. And so I ended up restarting the alimony. She had that marriage.

[Scott Aukerman]

And where I.

[Alimony Tony]

Was able to resume big alimony to Jerry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where were you when. When he died? Because, I mean, that sounds a little suspicious. You love alimony so much he died.

[Alimony Tony]

Right? Hold on, Scott. Hold on a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm holding.

[Alimony Tony]

I've never murdered anyone. I don't intend to start. I've. I've never. And I.

[Scott Aukerman]

When one of the few people have never murdered anyone. But they intend to start at some point.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. Murderers, future murderers, they live their lives as. As people. And then at a certain point they say, I intend to do a murder. And then they do the future murders.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they are. They are people. And then they are future murderers. And then they are murderers.

[Alimony Tony]

That's exactly correct. They start out as. We all start out as people. Then at a certain point, some people make the choice to become future murderers. So what I do is I think that you bought a baby, then you become a potential future murderer. Then that you become a future murderer. Then you become a murderer.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you there when you're a baby is the only time that you don't have future murder in your.

[Alimony Tony]

It's the riddle of the Sphinx. You. You start out as a baby, you become a potential future murderer, you become a future murderer, you become a murderer.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about future manslaughters? Do those exist or.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I don't think it depends because voluntary manslaughter is. That's definitely a thing, but I feel like fewer people say, I intend to commit manslaughter. I think that's people that intended to commit murder and they didn't do it. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Manslaughter is like the ultimate whoopsie when it comes to murder, is it not?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. And yet what a grim name. Even a grimmer name than murder. Manslaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's worse. It should be worse. Rhys, have you ever murdered anyone or manslaughtered anyone?

[Rhys Darby]

No, but I think he has a Good point there. Because I have been at that threshold of becoming a murderer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Potential future murderer.

[Rhys Darby]

Absolutely. As per his saying. Now what I've done, and this is something that other people could do as well, it goes in line with what I was saying before. But a notebook next to my bed and I write in it, become a murderer. And then when I wake up in the morning into my lucidness, I will then quickly cross that out. And I do that every night. And that's the only way I get through it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're writing things in that notebook that you intend to cross out and not do when you wake up?

[Rhys Darby]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Rhys Darby]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your process for your notebook is really, really intricate. I'm fascinated.

[Alimony Tony]

I get it though. I get it though. It's sort of like you have to come up with words that rhyme in order to eliminate them first.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a lot similar. I don't want to get back on that though. Can I ask, Tony, are you ever trying to split up your ex wives romantic relationships in a Mrs. Doubtfire style kind of thing where you're like insinuating yourself into their life in disguise?

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, I, I do love to wear disguises. I haven't worn them to the extent of, to the purpose of breaking up romantic relationships. I do like to spy on people. That's my guilty secret. I do like to. Look, I'm guilty. I said it was guilty. I do like to dress up in different costumes. Inspired people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we're back to the Halloween superstores here in these masks.

[Alimony Tony]

And look, all of my disguises were purchased at a regular Halloween store. It wasn't super. It didn't need to be. And, but I, my, my, my ex wives, my former wives, romantic relationships and entanglements. Usually the alimony that they get is enough to keep them from getting married because, and this is not to say they're gold diggers. They don' Know. None of these ladies know how rich I am until we get married. And I don't, I don't reveal it until well into the marriage either because there's no prenup.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess you don't want one because I guess the only prenup you would want is I want to pay you alimony.

[Alimony Tony]

That's a dirty word to me. Prenup. I don't like it at all. And yeah, so usually it's come close a few times and of course you got married. But I, I will. Oftentimes I will, I will, I will put on a disguise or my famous disguises and I will go to a place where I know an ex wife of mine is having dinner with a parable. And I will. Sometimes I will. I will disguise myself as a fellow diner seated a few tables away.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is one of your famous disguises. Fellow diner.

[Alimony Tony]

Famous fellow diner. That's what you can buy right out of the package. Halloween superstore.

[Rhys Darby]

I was just gonna say, I would point out that in New Zealand, and this is an information for you guys, in America, if you do come here, disguises are illegal unless they are bought from the disguise shop. So if you really. There's. There's. Yeah, there's 10 standard disguises. Fellow diner is one of those. There are others. There's king, there's witch. Can't remember the rest. Pirate. And so if you're caught wearing those, you can get away with it. But if you do not have an official disguise, then, yeah, you're in trouble.

[Alimony Tony]

It's got to have the. The mark on it, the stamp that says this is an official sanctioned disguise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although I don't know how I would even make a fellow diner costume at home. I mean, that's not possible.

[Alimony Tony]

You're better off going to the store. You're better off going to the store.

[Rhys Darby]

And the quality is amazing too.

[Alimony Tony]

I remember what time I tried to make a homemade late to the elevator man costume and I just botched it. It was not you. You wouldn't look at this mat and say, oh, he almost made it to the elevator. You would say, who are you supposed to be? And so you're better off going to the store.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm trying to imagine that costume. Is it. Is it? Does it have, like, wire in the tie so that it's like going behind you, like you're running towards the elevator and like, the briefcase is half. Half open and papers are spilling out.

[Rhys Darby]

Or the briefcase is stretched out, Isn't it, trying to stop the door. It's a great costume. They're very rare, those ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Tony, I feel like we're getting away from what you came here to talk about, which is your recent relationship.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, my recent relationship, which has just ended and which is.

[Scott Aukerman]

So sorry.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, well, thank you. Of course it's a good news, bad news situation because I no longer have a love in my life, but I do get to pay that alimony, which I do love doing so much. This was a young woman named Linda, and she and I met. We met at a restaurant. Coincidentally enough, I was there. Disguise.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is quite a coincidence.

[Alimony Tony]

I was there disguised as man asking to use a Business phone. And what, what is that disguise?

[Rhys Darby]

I love that disguise.

[Alimony Tony]

What is that? Like, that disguise is a classic. It's, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bad suit of clothing. And what you have to do is to, to sell it, you have to go up to the front desk of the restaurant, say, can I use your phone?

[Rhys Darby]

That phrase comes with the costume, doesn't it? On a card.

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a word balloon coming out of your mouth.

[Alimony Tony]

No, no, no, that's. Of course not. You have to memorize the phrase.

[Rhys Darby]

How ridiculous.

[Alimony Tony]

Just to memorize the phrase.

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize, I. Look, I don't know.

[Alimony Tony]

May I use your. Excuse me, may I use your phone? And then. But here's the great part is if there's any follow up questions, that's all up to you. You get to improv it. So if they say, you know, no, you can't, you say, oh. And then you, you can walk away. Or you could say, you could say please or you could say, I've never coming here again. The choice is really up to you. But, so I was there. So I just, I just turned away from the front desk at the restaurant because the. Let me use the phone. And let me tell you something. I did not know who to call. I didn't. It's never happened before. It's never happened before. And so I had to fake a telephone call, which is very difficult to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I would imagine that the telephone call also has to sound important enough to use a business's phone. So.

[Alimony Tony]

And that's a completely different costume, which I did not have. So I hung up the phone rather sheepishly and I turned around and there was this gorgeous vision in the front door of the restaurant. And her name was Linda. I said I was, I was struck by her immediately. I said, excuse me, you didn't overhear my conversation about the phone, did you? And she said, what? And then we were off to the races because I explained I couldn't help it. I looked at her beautiful green eyes and I explained my entire situation to her. I explained everything about myself except being independently wealthy, of course. But I explained.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you explain the weird emoting alimony, Tony? And how difficult it is for you to come up with titles?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, now I did explain weird amount of alabotony. She didn't have quite as many questions about coming up with titles as you did. So we did not get into that area of discussion. If only we'd been married long enough. But this was my shortest marriage to date.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? How long did this one last?

[Alimony Tony]

Not counting the one that died. This, this, this lasted three full calendar weeks. And it was right where the quarantine happened. We got married the day before quarantine was put into effect, and then three weeks later our marriage was over. That was the baptism by fire was being. Having to stay in the mansion and just be confined into those 28 rooms. And it was too much. We didn't. We realized we don't really get along. And so we had to. We had put an end to it. She still.

[Albert Rowe]

She, she.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's living there. I was going to ask. You didn't kick her out of the mansion?

[Alimony Tony]

No. Now we're the best of friends. Oh, now we're the best of friends. Yeah. All it was not being. Not being married anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And paying her. What kind of alimony are you paying her right now?

[Alimony Tony]

The usual. It's. It's twenty, fifty thousand dollars a month.

[Rhys Darby]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, that's. Yeah, fifty thousand dollars a month. That is six hundred thousand dollars a year. That's a. That's a good amount of what? And you're. And you're doing it for a dozen people.

[Alimony Tony]

I keep forgetting to do the math on this. What am I doing? Oh, well, I have it. I have the money. What am I, what am I going to spend it on? Do you know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry that your, Your, Your relationship didn't work out and that you, You. You tried love once again, you tried to fit her into your clothes. Is that what you usually do with.

[Alimony Tony]

I don' into my clothes? What it is, is I keep a closet full of clothes for my wives. And the one, the one prenuptial agreement we do have is you have to return the clothes and the clothes stay in the house. And I make sure that my, My future wife will be the exact same measurements as my previous wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was the measurement process like with Linda here? Did you.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I've. I can eyeball it now. I mean, it's down to a science. Like, I can see. I can look at a woman and I could see whether or not she's going to fit into the clothes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you like them either big boned with very, very thin skin or you like them.

[Alimony Tony]

I like. I like a woman with either a lot of meat on her bones or very thick bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not a lot of meat, but they have to be roughly the same shape, sort of like that.

[Alimony Tony]

It's got to work out the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does it, does it look like that snowman in the. Hey, Mr. Police, you had all the clues. Do all your wives look like that?

[Alimony Tony]

Do snowman have bones?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't know how. Rhys, do you. Have you ever made a snowman with bones? I don't know.

[Rhys Darby]

You can use twigs and. Yeah. Various sticks as a skeleton and then put the snow over that.

[Alimony Tony]

It never occurred to me to do that. Now every time I see a snowman, I'm going to wonder if there's a.

[Rhys Darby]

Skeleton underneath and what you can do. And here's. Here's something fun for, for the. For the listeners. So once you've done the skeleton using twigs, arms, you can do a rib cage if you like. You can then, as a bit of fun, put an apple inside the. The twig rib cage. And once he's all covered in snow, you can do that classic Indiana Jones thing and reach through into the snow and pull out the apple.

[Alimony Tony]

Wow.

[Rhys Darby]

And you can have a lot of fun with that kind of. If you're into the sort of evil voodoo templar, doomy dooms.

[Scott Aukerman]

That sounds horrifying to any children who are passing.

[Rhys Darby]

Pretty bad, isn't it? But that's the sort of fun we have here in New Zealand.

[Alimony Tony]

All right, well, well, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, we do have to take a break. Did you. I'm sorry about Linda. I'm sorry. It's great catching up with you, but can you stick around? We have a. We're gonna.

[Alimony Tony]

I'd love to. Scott. It's wonderful to see you. It's wonderful to talk to other people besides Linda, even though we are dear friends, but we are. We are. We are the only people that we see. So this is.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is really thrilling for you. Yes. All right, we're gonna take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Reese Darby from Aliens Like Us. We'll have more alimony. Tony not from Aliens Like Us. And we'll be talking to someone who owns a grocery store when we come back. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Alimony Tony]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

Application subject to review and approval. Learn [e-mail] partners. NetCredit credit to the people. This podcast is brought to you by.

[Albert Rowe]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Albert Rowe]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Albert Rowe]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Albert Rowe]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Albert Rowe]

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[Alimony Tony]

Most effective learning program out there at the best price.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here. We have of course, the great Rhys Darby from New Zealand where apparently he is enjoying winter right now. Is that, do I have that right?

[Rhys Darby]

Yes, that's right. We're getting colder by the minute. It's beautiful down here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. And do you celebrate Christmas in, in the winter or is it a summer thing?

[Rhys Darby]

It's a summer thing for us. Yeah. It's a very confusing time actually for our nation.

[Alimony Tony]

Now I've heard about this because you will often have depictions of Santa Claus. Chris Kriegel, a surfing and things like that where because it's summertime and he's enjoying the summertime antics and he's roasting a weedy over the campfire and he's, he's got, he's putting sunscreen on and a little dog is pulling down his. His pants and summer things. Some of thing ice cream. He's eating an ice cream cone. There's got to be other summer things. He's got a sunburn. Shaking out a towel. Oh, shaking out a towel because of Sands.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, sure.

[Alimony Tony]

Because at the beach some of these.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are not the most dynamic pictures. I think that you, you know.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, you've got Scott once again, I'm going to turn it over to you. If you think you could do better with summertime images with Santa Claus, then have at it. Yeah, I'm sure you can name five right at the top of your head. I love to see depictions of Santa Claus listening to the Beach Boys. That's how you don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got his ear next to a radio and he's. And he's happy.

[Alimony Tony]

Must be Christmas. Must be Christmas, because Santa Claus is listening to the Beach Boys in this drawing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Alimony Tony, you've been hearing him talk about summer and Santa here. He is also with us. But we do need to get to our next guest. He is. He's been on the show once before. He is the owner of a. I can't remember if it's a chain of grocery stores or just one grocery store, but he is a small business owner, definitely, and an entrepreneur. Please welcome back to the show Albert Rowe. Hello, Albert.

[Albert Rowe]

Hello, Scott. Thank you for having me. Hello, Reese. Hello, Alimony. You know, you can call him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you can call him Tony.

[Albert Rowe]

Tony, my man. We're friends now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know that you can call him my man. That's the one thing that. I think he reserves that for his wife.

[Albert Rowe]

You're right. That's fair. I should have did well, from what I understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, look, what with marriage being, you know, the laws have gotten a lot looser now. You may be a candidate to marry alimony Tony here. I mean, you know, you have a nice $600,000 a year coming to you if you do that.

[Albert Rowe]

Well. Well, that's something.

[Alimony Tony]

The laws have gotten a lot looser. You're right, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the slippery slope, obviously.

[Albert Rowe]

Listen, I mean, obviously. Yeah, you point out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you come here to talk about that?

[Albert Rowe]

No, I didn't come about. I didn't come here to talk about the loosening of the law. I actually came to talk about some of the. The law tightening that's been happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Albert Rowe]

Laws are getting kind of strict in my neck of the woods. As you know, I am a grocer. I own my. A Singular grocery store in California.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one is that again?

[Albert Rowe]

It's called Kissy's Local grocery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kissy's. Right. And is that over by, like, off Paramount? Where. Where exactly is that? In Downey?

[Albert Rowe]

It's actually. It's actually on Firestone and Old River School Road.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So just down the street from the Acapulco restaurant.

[Albert Rowe]

Yeah, it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Albert Rowe]

It's not quite close to the Acapulco, but you could. You can take a major street to get there.

[Scott Aukerman]

So right before the 605 hits the.

[Albert Rowe]

5, if you get to the 110, you've gone too far.

[Scott Aukerman]

You definitely have gone too far. Yes.

[Albert Rowe]

So it's called Kissies, because, as you know, I do kiss every single item in my grocery store. That's one of my personal touches. I polish them. So, like, take an apple, onion, banana.

[Alimony Tony]

That's one of Your personal touches.

[Albert Rowe]

It's one of your personal.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm sorry, just one of your personal touches is kissing each item in the store.

[Albert Rowe]

That's right. I kiss each item in the store, and then I polish it. I polish it off again so it's nice and shiny. But as you know, going to the grocery store right now, I don't know if you've noticed, Scott, it's a little different.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Yes, I have noticed that, Rhys. I don't know if in New Zealand, actually, you're not dealing with the virus is kind of going away there. Is that right? But here.

[Rhys Darby]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Here in the States, it still is rampaging through our cities and are rampaging.

[Alimony Tony]

Just rampaging.

[Albert Rowe]

Simply rampaging.

[Rhys Darby]

Wow.

[Albert Rowe]

It's on a rampage.

[Alimony Tony]

It's tearing throughout our country like a tornado. Yes, it is like a hurricane that's just sweeping up everyone in its path.

[Rhys Darby]

It's like a Dwayne Johnson movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like a volcano. Sure, of course. So going to the. The grocery store. Yes. It's a little bit different. Do you want to talk about how that's affecting your grocery. Stor. Store?

[Albert Rowe]

Well, it's not really affecting my grocery store.

[Alimony Tony]

Before we get into that, can I ask, what are some of the other signature.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we got to hear about these other personal touches.

[Alimony Tony]

I just like to hear two more personal touches.

[Albert Rowe]

Two more personal touches. Great. There's no door on my store. There is not a door.

[Rhys Darby]

I love that rhyme.

[Albert Rowe]

Yeah. Well, yeah, it is a rhyme on purpose. There's no door at the store, and that store is Kissy's. That's written on the window. There's a lot of things written on the window at my store. That is not one of my personal touches. It is just something that happens to be part of it. Because my store is made of glass, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, you're the. There are no actual walls that are not. Not see through. It's sort of like Willy Wonka's glass elevator in there. Like, everything see through.

[Albert Rowe]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

Those are not personal touches.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are not personal.

[Alimony Tony]

Not having a door. Personal touch. Stuff written on the windows. Not a personal touch.

[Albert Rowe]

No, it's just the. It's just. That's just part of it. Like, that. That's. You just have to take that as part of it.

[Alimony Tony]

That just happens. That's just part. So there are things that are part of it and things that just happen?

[Albert Rowe]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have something written on the window of, like, if you've gotten to the 110, you've gone too far? Are there instructions?

[Albert Rowe]

Like That I, well, so that's not written on my window. That is written on a window closer to the 110. So if you're close to the 110, you do see that you will know to go all the way back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it.

[Alimony Tony]

But do people know that it's connected to kissies or do they just see written on some of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone might be wanting to go too far.

[Rhys Darby]

So you've bought other properties and you're advertising on those properties. That is not your main property.

[Albert Rowe]

I, I, well, I haven't bought. I have not purchased property. What I have done is taken up vandalism. I have vandalized. These are homes. Like, are there local, other businesses that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've taken up vandalism?

[Albert Rowe]

I've taken it up. And can I say I'm loving it?

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, it's fun. Absolutely. I see you.

[Albert Rowe]

I love to vandalize. It's very fun. But that, you know, people sort of know me as like the town vandal. So they know instead of being the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Grocer who owns Kisses, they know you as the town vandal.

[Albert Rowe]

Well, you know, if you could pick what you're known for, I obviously would pick that I would be the grocer.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you need a better publicist. You need a better publicist here because you need to be known as Kissy.

[Alimony Tony]

You are a man who says you kiss each item in your grocery store, but you're known as the town vandal.

[Albert Rowe]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Albert Rowe]

And if I could have it the other way around, I absolutely would. But it's just not my place. There are other things about me that you might remember, Scott. Jeff Bezos is my dad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right. You're Jeff Bezos, son. I forgot about that aspect of your personality.

[Albert Rowe]

Jeff Bezos is my dad. And all of my cum is feminine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I did not remember that and still don't remember it.

[Albert Rowe]

I only shoot wise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Right. Okay. So if you, if anyone were to marry you and I can't recall if you have a significant other, much like Alimony Tony did at one point.

[Albert Rowe]

I don't. I have 10 daughters with many partners.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. So you've never gotten married. So you, you only have 10 daughters. That's right.

[Albert Rowe]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But do they work at the store? I can't remember.

[Albert Rowe]

They do work at the store, but they work in the back because I will not have them seen. But so what you have to know about, obviously this coronavirus as we're calling it, I'll call it a Debacle. It's changing the way all these stores are operating. You got your Albertsons, your Ralphs, your Vaughns, your Safeway Gelsons, Pavilions, Stater Brothers, Sprouts, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Winco, Kroger. They're all following these CDC guidelines. Keeping six feet. Publix. Yeah. Oh, Publix is another one. Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Wiggly wiggly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you mention John's, which basically bought a bunch of Vons restaurants and then only replaced one letter?

[Albert Rowe]

Yeah. You know what? Yeah. John's is doing this as well. And it's Harris Teeter. Harris Teeter. Super. A Tita doing.

[Alimony Tony]

It's Harris. Harris Teeter.

[Albert Rowe]

Oh, well, Harris Tita is doing it too.

[Alimony Tony]

Who's Harris? Harris Tita. Is that what you say?

[Albert Rowe]

That's what I said. They're also doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. So there are.

[Rhys Darby]

They have lost track of what they're doing now. What are they. What are these people doing?

[Albert Rowe]

They're keeping 6ft distance in the line. You're limiting items such as toilet paper. You know, things are deemed essential goods, meat.

[Alimony Tony]

How about Acme?

[Albert Rowe]

Acme? Acme also doing it.

[Rhys Darby]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's fair to say that if it's not Kissies, they're doing it.

[Albert Rowe]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which could be a slogan for you.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, Bristol Farms.

[Albert Rowe]

Bristol Farms. Doing it. The store from NBC superstore. Doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, I think that should have just been a store. It should never have upgraded to a superstore.

[Albert Rowe]

They got huge. They got too big too fast and that. We all saw it coming. But these other stores, they're making me look like not just the town vandal, but the town fool. They're making. They're all coming for my neck, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm glad you finally said they're coming for your neck, because as I recall, that was one of your catchphrases the last time you were here.

[Albert Rowe]

It's almost as if. If I stopped saying it. But I. I do remember that that is the thing that I always say. They're all coming from my neck. They're all following the CDC guidelines. The WHO Guidelines. And you know, I'm just a local businessman. I don't have the capital to keep up with these big corporations. So it. Right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you are. You are, to be fair, Jeff Bezos's son.

[Albert Rowe]

Yeah, I. Look, I come from immense wealth, but.

[Alimony Tony]

Is Pavilions also observing the 6 foot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know that we have time to get into every other store if.

[Albert Rowe]

These stores keep coming up. I'm gonna. If you keep asking me this, Tony I'm gonna assume you're in the pocket of one of these grocery stores and are coming for my neck.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't want to be coming for Albert's neck here.

[Alimony Tony]

I promise. Albert, I'm not coming for your neck. Gelson's. Are they doing it?

[Scott Aukerman]

He mentioned doing it, Sprouts.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, you did mention. I apologize.

[Albert Rowe]

365 is doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't have time to go through the whole list. What are. What are you. If it's not kissies, they're doing it. What are you doing instead?

[Albert Rowe]

Well, I'll tell you what we're doing, Scott. We haven't changed a goddamn thing.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Albert Rowe]

Because the kissies guarantee it. If you want something kissed, you better come to kissies. I'm kissing all the stuff, and I'm still kissing all the stuff.

[Alimony Tony]

Can I just point out that you're. You're the kissies. The kissies guarantee just sounds like a piece of advice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. If you want something kissed, it's just. Yeah, it's more like a helpful hint.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, well, nothing's being guaranteed at all.

[Albert Rowe]

Well, the kissy's advice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're calling it advice now?

[Albert Rowe]

Okay, I'll call it advice. If you want something kissed, come to kissies. And if you want it kissed, I guarantee it'll be kissed.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if you don't want something kissed?

[Albert Rowe]

Then get the fuck out of my store.

[Rhys Darby]

Wow.

[Albert Rowe]

That's just how it is. And, you know, it's.

[Rhys Darby]

That's written on the window.

[Albert Rowe]

I'm just hoping that people are trying to. Yeah, that's written on the window. The wall, as it were. I'm just. You know, because people. I don't know about you or anybody here, we're all trying to just live according to Jim. We're all trying to live according to Jim, first of all. And our own personal credos. I'm. I'm. I'm someone that. I want things to stay exactly the same. I'm not letting this coronavirus win. All right. So you want to come to kissies? Door's always open. No door. Come on in. Touch whatever you want. Kiss whatever you want. I'm doing it. I'll give you a damn kiss.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Can I ask, have you contracted the COVID 19 virus?

[Albert Rowe]

Many times. And it's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're transmitting this to every customer with every product on your shelf?

[Albert Rowe]

You coming for my neck?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I. No, I am not coming for your neck. I apologize. Reese. Are you coming for Albert's neck? I hope you're not.

[Rhys Darby]

Well, I'm devising a new show with a double meaning in the title. So I'm. I'm constantly, as you know, writing things down in my notebook, waking up, crossing it out, working out what my next move is. And, yeah, I'll tell you this much. I've got a few ideas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Albert Rowe]

What do you got involving me? I'd love to know.

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, well, first of all, I want to get that shop of yours shut down.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. I mean, that's not an idea. That's helpful to Albert, certainly.

[Albert Rowe]

That's my source of income here. You're coming for my neck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reece Reese. You are coming for his neck directly.

[Albert Rowe]

My neck.

[Scott Aukerman]

You went straight at it.

[Alimony Tony]

I want to reiterate, I am not coming for your neck.

[Rhys Darby]

That is the title of my next show, Coming for My Neck, which may.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have a double meaning as well.

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, it's a dodgy one. It's a shifty double meaning. Sure, shady, whatever you want to call it. But I want you involved.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Albert Rowe]

So you. You want my store shut down so I can work on the show?

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, that's what I'm offering you. I want to. It's a deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you say? I mean, this is quite an opportunity. This is. Yeah. Have you ever wanted to be in show business?

[Albert Rowe]

In the business of show? I mean, I. It's something that a grocer can only dream of.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, every grocer wants to be in show business.

[Albert Rowe]

I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, look, so what do you say? I mean, this is an incredible opportunity. I know you love your store. I know you love kissing inanimate objects. I don't know that you've ever kissed inanimate objects.

[Albert Rowe]

I know that you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have 12 different daughters. I don't know whether you're 10.

[Albert Rowe]

10.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know whether any of your 10 partners allowed you to kiss them if they had the Pretty Woman rules going on during this.

[Albert Rowe]

I do. You know, they don't have the Pretty Woman rule. I do. And then the first rule in that is that I do always snap at their fingers with a little box.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sure, sure.

[Alimony Tony]

That's the Pretty Woman rule.

[Scott Aukerman]

But are you saying that you like to kiss things but no one can kiss you?

[Albert Rowe]

Oh. If you even come near me with your lips, I assume you're going straight for the neck. And that's a chop.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you have never been kissed. Rules. You've never been kissed.

[Albert Rowe]

You know, I've never been kissed, and I'm also undercover at a high school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, high school student, we don't have time to get to any of that.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, Are you sure? We don't. We don't. This is what, a thing to drop in at the 11th hour?

[Albert Rowe]

I'm having a lot of fun at high school. Again. It's better than you remember.

[Alimony Tony]

Albert. Albert, can I ask you a statistic, please? Tony Gristides, Are they observing a six?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, we're running out of time.

[Albert Rowe]

Duane Reed is also doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we're running out of time. We. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called plugs. Oh, wow, Nice and short. That was. Now you have head license by Family Man. Reese, what do you have to plug? Obviously, Aliens Like Us is a Spotify exclusive. It's out there right now. People can binge all 10 episodes.

[Rhys Darby]

Other than that, I guess I would only plug the one of the main stores here in New Zealand, the Mask and Official Disguise shop, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great. All right, well, alimony. Tony, what are you plugging?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I'd certainly like to plug the institution of marriage and the divorce laws in this state in which I live.

[Scott Aukerman]

What state is that, by the way? We've never established that.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, yeah, it's different from where you are. Where I would also like to plug a couple of podcasts, if I may, because, you know, your show got me into. You know, I'm a huge fan. I loved. I. You know, the first time we met was because you chose my catchphrase, of course, to read on the show. So I love podcasts. There's two right out what are called the Neighborhood Listen, starring Paul F. Topkins and Nicole Parker, where they take posts from the Nextdoor app and they use those for the. As the basis for improv. And then there's another one called Stay F. Homekins that's also Paul F. Topkins and his gorgeous wife. They're still married. J.D. had topkids. And that's just them catching up during quarantine on a weekly basis. It's an intimate conversation that you could have in the background. Feel like you're visiting with someone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great. So those are some great podcasts to listen to. Your podcast plate is almost full, but. Albert Rowe, do you have anything to plug here?

[Albert Rowe]

That's. Yeah. So make sure you come to kisses. We're not doing any of that silly stuff. We're not compliant with the cdc, so if you don't have a mask, you can just come right on in. It's fine. You know, there's this young. This. This young comedian. I guess I can still Call him young.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not really sure about that.

[Albert Rowe]

Yeah, you know, he.

[Scott Aukerman]

The minute you said that, I. My ears pricked. I don't know who you're talking about, but I. I suddenly thought that was very braggy, you know?

[Albert Rowe]

Yeah, it did. It gave. As I was saying it, it gave me pause and, you know, let's. Let's. I'll just call him a. A nice comedian.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rising star.

[Albert Rowe]

Rising star. A rising star. I would never say that about this person myself, but that' his name is Matt Apodaka. He has a podcast called what's with these Homies Talking About Weezer, where he talks to fun people about his favorite band, Weezer, and they don't ever really seem to also be on board. That's a very fun podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know how he feels about the new Van Weezer songs that have come out?

[Albert Rowe]

He hasn't recorded an episode, but I've heard that he is truly just loving every second of it and having the best time possible with these crazy, crazy tracks.

[Scott Aukerman]

He must be very upset about the tour with Green Day that got canceled.

[Albert Rowe]

You know, I do have a good authority that he does have tickets for it, and his date has not been moved yet, and he's nervous.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not going. It's. It's not happening until next year.

[Albert Rowe]

If it moves, he will go. Moves. But if it's on the same date, he will be there, and he will.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have to be late.

[Alimony Tony]

Albert. Albert. Yes, Food Lion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I want to plug. You know what I just found out, and this is such a bummer, is that the Comedy Bang Bang television show which, Rhys, you were so good to appear on back in the day, it is being taken off of Netflix as of June 2, I believe. So you have just a few scant weeks. If I could implore the listeners out there of this show, which are legion, to just turn on Comedy Bang Bang while you're in the house and you're not even watching tv. Just let it run because it'd be nice to get those numbers up right before they take it down. Now, the good news. It's a real good News Bad News Bears situation, where apparently some episodes are now up on Pluto tv where you can see Bajillion dollar Properties, another show, by the way, Rhys, that you were on, that you were so funny on. Oh, yeah, you can see Bajillion Dollar Properties there. You can also see some episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. But watch the entire season if you haven't gotten to it yet on Netflix. All right, let's Close up the old plug bag. You start with a C when you want. Now close it up. You lead with an L. And then you.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, open up the plumber.

[Rhys Darby]

Open up the blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shake your hand and open it up.

[Alimony Tony]

Horatio comes and then he just says, up the plumbing. Open it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, that's a new remix that was sent to us by Jonathan Astonish on Twitter. Thank you so much. To him. That's a new remix of our Closing up the plug bags theme. What'd you think of that, Rhys?

[Rhys Darby]

It was intense. Yeah, a great length, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, a perfect length when you want to be wrapping something up. Well, speaking of wrapping it up, I want to wrap up this episode. Rhys, always great to talk to you. Thanks so much for asking to be the show, to be on the show rather. And especially with such a large time difference. By the way, what time is it now there?

[Rhys Darby]

We're looking at 20 to 4 now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Amazing.

[Rhys Darby]

Yeah, we're doing really well, guys. Another hour and we can crack open a couple alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, always great to see you. It's really. Your story is always fascinating. And I promise next time I won't get so hung up on the one minor detail of your life.

[Alimony Tony]

That's all right, Scott. I understand. You love music, you love comedy. It makes sense to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Albert, I hope that you don't think that I'm coming for your neck when I say thank you so much for being on the show.

[Albert Rowe]

Thank you for having. You know, I was wondering where the rest of that sentence was gonna go. And I was like, this seems neck adjacent, but thank you for not going all the way. I appreciate that.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Alimony Tony]

He was gonna go on a rampage.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we'll see you next time, guys. Thanks, bye.

[Alimony Tony]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

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