Bonus Bang: Sean Clements, Hayes Davenport, Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Shaun Diston, Zeke Nicholson, Ego Nwodim, Madeline Walter (The 9th Anniversary Show!)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Bonus Bang: The 9th Anniversary Show!

Episode Overview Title: Bonus Bang: Sean Clements, Hayes Davenport, Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Shaun Diston, Zeke Nicholson, Ego Nwodim, Madeline Walter (The 9th Anniversary Show!)
Host: Scott Aukerman
Release Date: April 17, 2025

Celebrating its ninth year, this special anniversary episode of Comedy Bang Bang brings together a star-studded cast and a whirlwind of eccentric characters. Hosted by Scott Aukerman, the show dives into chaotic interactions, unexpected guest appearances, and comedic revelry, all while paying homage to the podcast's enduring legacy.

---

1. Anniversary Kickoff and Special Guests

Scott Aukerman opens the episode by announcing the re-release of episode number 543, the original 9th Anniversary Show, which first aired on April 30, 2018. This episode features an all-star lineup including Sean Clements, Hayes Davenport from Hollywood Handbook, Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Shaun Diston, Zeke Nicholson, Ego Nwodim, and Madeline Walter.

Notable Quote:

Scott Aukerman [05:10]: "This is the Comedy Bang Bang 9th Anniversary Show. This is not Hollywood Handbook. We saw that on. Only took us nine years to get the formula right."

---

2. Unexpected Intrusions: Hollywood Handbook Attempts Takeover

Shortly after the show begins, Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport from Hollywood Handbook attempt to seize control of the episode, leading to a humorous power struggle. Scott urgently tries to reclaim his show from these persistent intruders.

Notable Quote:

Scott Aukerman [04:36]: "This is not the way to start a big celebration. 9th anniversary show with Hollywood Handbook. The least popular show on the Earwolf Network. Could be big for us, though."

---

3. Corporate Representatives from RC Cola Disrupt the Festivities

Corporate agents Dirk Thirsty and Emily Grandchildren from RC Cola invade the studio under the guise of monitoring the podcast's open-door policy. Their presence adds another layer of chaos as they challenge Scott and other guests about the show's inclusivity.

Notable Quote:

Emily Grandchildren [16:34]: "We're looking to be interested in considering this."

---

4. Rudy North's Triumphant Return and Speed Force Antics

Rudy North, a beloved recurring character, makes a grand return alongside Kiwi Chris. Rudy shares his latest adventures involving the "Speed Force," a playful nod to superhero lore, and engages in zany antics that disrupt the show's flow.

Notable Quote:

Rudy North [23:50]: "I punched engineer Brett in the throat."

---

5. Ghostly Guest Appearance: Charlie Manson's Ethereal Involvement

In a surprising twist, Charlie Manson appears as a ghostly figure, seeking a second chance to clear misunderstandings from his previous appearance. His interactions with Scott add a darkly comedic edge to the episode.

Notable Quote:

Charlie Manson [89:03]: "I have to walk around this earth until I finish my business."

---

6. Business Pitches and Chaotic Collaborations

The episode features several impromptu business pitches from characters like Andre P. Neuer, who attempts to sell bizarre and redundant business ideas, further muddling the already hectic environment of the show.

Notable Quote:

Andre P. Neuer [80:28]: "A rectangular shaped object with four to five seats inside of it. A wheel in front of one seat."

---

7. Interdimensional Hijinks and Time Travel Tales

Dirk Thirsty and Rudy North delve into stories of time travel and interdimensional adventures, adding surreal elements that blend seamlessly with the podcast's comedic style. Their tales, though fantastical, are delivered with a deadpan seriousness that amplifies the humor.

Notable Quote:

Dirk Thirsty [35:11]: "We've altered the future. It's like the Buttercream Effect, Scott."

---

8. Clashes and Resolutions: Maintaining Friendship Amid Chaos

Amidst the pandemonium, Scott strives to maintain order and foster friendships among the eclectic group. The episode culminates in a playful resolution where characters reconcile their differences and reaffirm their camaraderie.

Notable Quote:

Scott Aukerman [69:32]: "I love you. I love you, man. I'm sorry. I know. I mean, you're closer than a brother to me."

---

Conclusion

The 9th Anniversary Show of Comedy Bang Bang exemplifies the podcast's signature blend of improvisational comedy, quirky characters, and unpredictable scenarios. Through a series of humorous disruptions and heartfelt moments, Scott Aukerman and his guests celebrate nearly a decade of making audiences laugh. This episode stands as a testament to the show's enduring appeal and its ability to continually reinvent itself while staying true to its comedic roots.

Final Notable Quote:

Scott Aukerman [116:55]: "Thank you, of course, our engineers, including engineer Brett. Don't get on Mike Anton. Oh, that's right. He's been throat punched."

---

Note: This summary captures the essence of the episode by highlighting key interactions, character dynamics, and memorable quotes, providing a comprehensive overview for those who haven't listened.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Rudy North]

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[Scott Aukerman]

When you say yes hey everyone. Happy Thursday and welcome to another Bonus Bang. This is Scott Aukerman and we have a very special series of bonus bangs. Bonus bangs being of course previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we're bringing up from behind the paywall. And this is a very special series. In honor of Comedy Bang Bang's upcoming 16th anniversary at the beginning of May, we're starting a brand new series featuring, yeah you guessed it, classic anniversary episodes. For the next three weeks of these Bonus Bangs, you will hear myself and a rotating cast of some of our beloved guests as we celebrate Comedy Bang Bang growing progressively older in age. I get younger one year. I'll leave you to decide which year I got a little bit younger, but that's up to you. Today we're re releasing episode number 543 entitled the 9th Anniversary Show. It originally aired on April 30, 2018 and it features an all star cast. We have Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport. Those men as you know them. Paul F. Tompkins as Emily, grandchildren Lauren Lapkis as Dirk Thirsty, Sean Diston as Rudy North, Zeke Nicholson as Kiwi, Chris Egg Wodom as Andre P. Neure and Madeline Walter as Charles Manson. So this is a great episode. We have a professional employee, an adventurer, a developer of new ideas. They're all here to celebrate the show's ninth year. And this is a very funny one. So if you want to get more of your Comedy Bang Bang fix, you can hear our entire archive as well as every live episode we've ever done on cbbworld.com where subscribers get full access as well as other amazing shows we have like Scott hasn't seen. And hey, Randy, we're gonna be right back on Monday with a brand new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang, Sammy and Dirty John. Okay, so a slugger and a con. Yes. And we are playing in the Collegiate Ultimate Frisbee Championships for the Nescak. We have been signed by Lehigh. So we set up to do our big play. Big Frisbee play. We're all lined up. I've got the disc. And are you doing a big throw or a catch? So first I do a big throw. Oh, yes. And I throw to Sammy. Sammy pulls a huge baseball bat out of the back of his baseball. No, not now, Sammy. And swings the floor. Frisbees smash a Frisbee.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, what up, Sean? Hey.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, what are you guys doing in here? Hey, man. Freaking doing our thing. Wait a minute. Well, and can I make a small correction? We're doing our thing. Wait, did the show start already or something?

[Rudy North]

Yes, it has.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yes, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Engineer Bray, you started the show. I just got here. I will say the show has finally, really started. Yes. It's been all a prelude to the show. And now the show has begun. Guys, this is the Comedy Bang Bang 9th Anniversary Show. This is not Hollywood Handbook. We saw that on. Only took us nine years to get the formula right. Get the fuck out of here. What are you doing here?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Hey, hey, hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Language, dear. What, English? Yes. Get out of the door. Okay, this is not Hollywood Handbook. This is my show. Please leave. Get back here with my show. You've heard of that. Come back here with my show. Yes. Yes. Get back here with my show. Get the fuck out of here, Guys. All right. This is not the way to start a big celebration. 9th anniversary show with Hollywood Handbook. The least popular show on the Earwolf Network. Could be big for us, though, you have to admit. Yeah. You understand what our motivation is? Yes, I do. Now, please try to adjust your motivation to motivate yourself out of the door. Are we officially least popular now? I know you've been cutting a lot of dead weight. I don't know, there may be some canceled shows. I mean, the Wolf Den is always the least popular, but you're like, neck and neck with that. Please leave, Leave, leave, leave, leave.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Sean and Hayes, can everyone please have fun? Have a good time. We will have fun. Does anyone have some questions for me before. No. No. Yes. Will you leave sooner? Oh, my gosh. Sean and Hayes of Hollywood Handbook. I don't know how this turned into an episode of Hollywood Handbook. Let me get my catchphrase. All right, they're gone. Please read to me from the wind in the willows while I lounge on your bed and fart in these pillows. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, my gosh. Run. Five minutes late one day, and Hollywood Handbook comes in here and tries to take over the show. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. I'm Scott Aukerman, your real host, and that was, of course, Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements of Hollywood Handbook. And welcome to the show. Nine years. I mean, this is incredible. We've been. Nine years ago this very week, we sat down at the old Indy 1031 studios and did our first episode. And here we are nine years later, and we're gonna have a fun show here today. I don't quite what's going on. My producer just told me to come here, and engineer Brett had everything set up with those two buffoons, apparently. But I don't know what's happening. Some guests will drop by. It's very exciting to me. And so the fir. Oh, the door just opened.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Okay. A couple of people just walked in. Just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Keep doing what you're doing.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Let me just say, just to start, I did knock a few times in. Nobody opened the door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hi, guys. Who. What did you say?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Just keep doing what you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just keep doing what I'm doing.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Pretend we're not here.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Just keep doing your thing.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Pretend we're not here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Literally, I should pretend you're not here? Yes. Well, I mean, what would that entail? Like, just like you guys are occupying physical space. Like, what if I were to swipe my arms in the space that you're.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

How you hit my packs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your pectorals.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, don't hit Dirk's pecs. He works out all the time.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

My pecs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. Let me just explain to the listener. This is a chaotic show. First, apparently, the hosts of Hollywood Handbook decided to host the show, and now a gentleman and a woman have walked in here, and they want me to pretend they're not.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You're a man and a lady.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

You can say I'm a man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. A man and a lady.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That fits better for you guys. Yes, it does. Okay, so do you have something against being called a gentleman?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yeah. Cause I'm nasty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you're very nasty. You're nasty.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No, no, of course I kid. I. I'm very buttoned up.

[Scott Aukerman]

And of course you kid.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Of course, you don't know me yet, but of course I kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Is that part of your.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Just whole I simply am kidding, of course, but Emily and I have come in here to. Well, just to observe and.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Just observing. Just observing. And later we'll report.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And we'll report.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're observing and then you're writing a report.

[Emily Grandchildren]

First we observe. Well, we don't necessarily have to write a report, but we will verbally.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We could give one.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We could do it verbally. We could do it written.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you're going to do it written. You say we're gonna do both.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

She writes, I speak.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I don't like a depends. And of course I'm kidding, but Dirk.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Doesn'T like at the pens.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you speak what she writes now?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Of course. Look, you're getting into semantics.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Here's what happens. I write at the same time that Dirk speaks. We're in separate rooms and then we see if we match up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Okay. It's fun for us how often. This is like the Newlywed Game or something. Like how often does together.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You know, we are not. We're married to our work, not to each other.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Okay, so we always say. Of course we kid, but are you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Married to other people?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And are you kidding right now? Because I can't tell what to take seriously.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Are you kidding about the funny rhyme?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

What rhyme?

[Emily Grandchildren]

The rhyme. Marriage or work?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Not to each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys, that. That does not rhyme.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

But it's a funny rhyme.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It sounds like a rhyme.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, married and married. I guess.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

But isn't it a funny rhyme? Because it doesn't rhyme.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's what makes a funny rhyme like.

[Scott Aukerman]

A parody of a rhyme. Is that what you're trying to say?

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's a send up.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's a send up of a rhyme.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

So of course we're married to other people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course we are. To whom are you married?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm married to my wife. Her name is Withers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Withers is her last name. Oh, so your last name is Withers?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No, her last name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, she just didn't take your name. Okay.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What's last name is Thurston?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thirsty.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

So she didn't want to be. Her first name is Bursty, so she thought it would be weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

So Bursty Withers is the person to whom you're married?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yes. And of course we started dating the woman. The first date. I thought, hey, look, watch out, you'll be Bursty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thirsty.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And she said, I'll never take your name. And of course she was kidding, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

She stuck to it. She was kidding at the time.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, she didn't think we'd really get married.

[Scott Aukerman]

But she changed her mind.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yes. Okay, you're catching on.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. And are you kidding right now about all this?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No, I'm dead serious.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dead serious. Okay.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Of course I kid.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I didn't know if you two would ever get married. And I'm so glad you finally did.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, we were together for so long.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Such a long time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful wedding. Sir, what is your first name? You mentioned? My name is.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

My name is Dirk Thirsty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dirk Thirsty.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Welcome to the show, Dirk Thirsty.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Thanks. I've been listening to a bunch of EPs to try to catch on to what is you do exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, it's part of our job.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's part of our job.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's part of your job. And who are you, ma'am?

[Emily Grandchildren]

My name is Emily. Grandchildren.

[Scott Aukerman]

Emily. Grandchildren?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And to whom are you married?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm married to a man named Richard Box.

[Scott Aukerman]

Richard Box. Interesting. That's almost like Richard Bachman, the writer of the.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Okay, it's him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're married to Richard Bachman.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Richard Bachman.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is a pseudonym for Stephen King.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm married to Stephen King.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you happy now?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Are you happy? We always wondered.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're married to Stephen King? Yes.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Can we get past it?

[Scott Aukerman]

First of all, I have so many questions. I mean, this is.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes, I was his cocaine dealer. That's how we met.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Number two, do you like being scared?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I don't like being scared.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Isn't that funny?

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't? So do you. You do not read his books, or do you not find them?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I read them. I don't find them scary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? He's the modern master of horror.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, I saw my parents killed in front of me, so that's my bar for scary. Oh, so a haunted hotel, whatever.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did your parents die in front of you? They were executed summarily.

[Emily Grandchildren]

They were summarily executed? Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness. By whom? Oh, by a warlord of some sort. A warlord?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Dirk Thirsty]

How did you guess?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Did you read her Wikipedia?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Did you read my Wikipedy?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

You looking at the Wikipedia?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wikipedia Blue.

[Emily Grandchildren]

My parents were drug dealers as well, so they were executed by Colombian drug lord.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you inherit their business or.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes, I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. It wasn't a side business, that was a competitor.

[Emily Grandchildren]

No, my brother and I decided to carry on the family business. And then I got out of that life eventually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. And now what do you do now? You. You guys say you're here for work? Oh, yes, you could say that.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You could.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And you should. And you should.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did say that.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Is why we are here.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And it's why we're here.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And of course we were kidding when we said. Of course we were kidding anything.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's fun. It was a funny rhyme. We were doing a funny rhyme.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. Excuse me, I'm drinking.

[Rudy North]

Look, look, look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he's very thirsty. Please, please, sir. Swallow. Look, look.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Let's sell him the name Swallow.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Look, look, look. I brought my pet chicken. I hope that's all right.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys. Guys. What are you doing here? This is my ninth anniversary.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Show us man and lady. Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lady. Why are you here? I need to get on with my show. I need to get to several guests. From what I understand, we're from corporate.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

If you must know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Corporate.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Corporate, yeah.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Mid roll, if you're n. Yes.

[Emily Grandchildren]

And the parent company, Scripps.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm nasty. Oh, no.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Let's midroll then, baby.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Scripps. Parent company, RC Cola.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys are from rc?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Is there a problem?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm in Indiana.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there an issue with the show? I mean.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, we hope not. Here's what we've heard and why we've been sent here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Emily Grandchildren]

By rc. We've heard that you have an open door policy on this show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's. Yes, it's always been that way. All nine years.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Can you please stop. Stop mansplaining to Emily.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm a lady.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Let her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me lady splain to you.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No, no.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Let me lady.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Let her lady splain to you. Now, what were you saying, Mrs. Grandchildren?

[Scott Aukerman]

How old are you guys, by the way? Because you sounded very old right now. How old are you?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No, you're exactly.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What a question to ask.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Why don't you take a guess?

[Scott Aukerman]

I can ask a gentleman with huge pectorals.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Take a guess. Judging by the length of my beard.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You'Re going to be surprised.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, a beard like that, I would.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

That's a perfect point.

[Emily Grandchildren]

A beard like that would kill your brother. West side Story. That's a funny rhyme.

[Scott Aukerman]

A beard like that would take about approximately five years to grow.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And so I'm five.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, but you, you may be eight. You're clearly older than five if you have a job.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What a terrible guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you started growing beard hair at 13, you may be 18 years old.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'll take it. But I'll tell you what I'm not. I'm not at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

How old are you?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Talk about the color of my beard, sir.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, oh, okay. I was not looking at the color I was merely looking at the shape and length it is.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Put on your color eyes.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Put on your color eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want me to colorize that beard like It's a Wonderful Life?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What are you, Ted Turner? Do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, what I'm seeing here is it's sort of. It's almost like every color in the rainbow. That's right.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Beautiful. It's iridescent, like a fish left out on a dock.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I dip dye every time it grows longer. Dip dye.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how am I supposed to tell how old you are? By your rainbow beard? You look like the John316 guy. Upside down.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

How old is he?

[Scott Aukerman]

So upside down, he's either three or 16.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm guessing 16 since he has a beard.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm three times 16.

[Scott Aukerman]

Upside down, it would be more like 91E. Okay, 316.

[Emily Grandchildren]

No, I got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. Okay. How old are you?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I said I'm three times 16.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do them three times 16. You're. You do them 48. I don't know.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This is just what he's been told. Dirk refuses to know when his birthday is, when he was born. He just wants to live his life. I admire it, actually. I wish I didn't know when my birthday is.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I don't want to live on a timeline.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you do want to know what your age is divisible by.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, that's what he's been told, but.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I don't know how to do the math.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay. So you're 48 years old, and you. You ma'am or lady?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lady. I beg your pardon? You're going to womansplain something to me.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, yeah, what was that?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, yeah, what was that?

[Scott Aukerman]

You were going to, woman.

[Emily Grandchildren]

First of all, I'm going to Lady Splain.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. You were going to Lady Splain. What corporation?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, the show and how it's a problem.

[Emily Grandchildren]

The open door policy. We've been getting complaints from Reddit users.

[Scott Aukerman]

Twitter, so people on the Internet in general, church bulletins. Oh, no.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Lost dog flyers.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I saw a skywritten one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where was this? Were you on the beach or.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I was on the beach.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's primarily where I see my skywriting.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I saw a plane pulling a banner that said Comedy Bang Bang. I have some issues with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Then I saw skywriter say open door policy, question mark. I don't think so. Exclamation point.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

That must have taken loop de loop until they crashed into the water.

[Scott Aukerman]

They crashed.

[Emily Grandchildren]

No, it was beautiful to watch, though. Oh, I have to. I have to imagine that the person went down doing what they loved. So doing loop de loops or just.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Flying, riding in the sky, Said, I meant to do that as they fell in.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would you mind speaking up, sir? You seem to mumble everything you're saying.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm sorry, you can't hear me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, a person with those giant pectorals, it seems like you would have a lot of lungs.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

My voice goes into my body.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Dirk's voice goes into his body.

[Scott Aukerman]

It goes backwards. Yes.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

If you can't hear it, get inside.

[Scott Aukerman]

You ask me to fuck you. What are you.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

What?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I beg your pardon?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Excuse me, I'm from a corporate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I beg your pardon. This is like.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That'll have to go into our written and oral reports.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? Please.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It'll be in the oral water.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you winking at me? Now you're doing it to me. I need to report unicorn.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look. So there's an issue with the open door policy. I would say the primary issue right now is the fact that you guys just walked in.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, you see how easy that was?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Exactly. It's proving our point, okay, that people have a problem.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Interestingly, I knocked and no one reacted. Then I opened the door and we came right in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Well, here's the problem.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

If you want that to happen at your home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you see something, say something.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Look, we will do that at your home if you want it to happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I do not enter.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We'll see you tonight.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, thank you.

[Emily Grandchildren]

But look, this eye has been cast.

[Scott Aukerman]

For recent listeners of the show. What people don't know is that there is an open door policy in the show. Sometimes people are allowed to just walk right in and talk to the mic. Whomever comes by the studio is allowed to. And you're saying this is an issue? This is a problem?

[Emily Grandchildren]

It could be what we'd like to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do, but has it been.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, some people have complained.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Emily Grandchildren]

People who haven't complained, I assume, are fine with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Very rarely do people say, I don't have a problem with this part of the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

And also very rarely do people say, I enjoy this part of it. Anything.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Human beings are general. Generally are just like a miserable lot.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's also true. So what we're going to do is we're going to just monitor the show. I'm assuming the open door policy is in effect.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is.

[Emily Grandchildren]

So we'll just.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll see if it's ever a problem.

[Emily Grandchildren]

And we'll just chime in we'll chime in.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We'll just chime in if we have something to say.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We'll do some of our classic chime ins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We'll do a funny rhyme if you need a little spicing up.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I could use a little right now.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Here's a funny rhyme. Yeah, A stitch in time. Hold on. How did it go?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Why don't I do mine and you think about yours?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Okay.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Okay, here's a funny rhyme.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I remember rhyme.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, okay. Go ahead.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

A stitch in time. Well, that's really cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. This sounds familiar to me.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Are you ready for mine?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I am ready for yours.

[Emily Grandchildren]

When in doubt, listen to your heart. That's where you go to know things that you need to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Nothing rhymed about it.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, I've got another funny rhyme.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you have another one. We're having sort of a funny rhyme off.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

They always say. They always say lightning doesn't strike twice. But do they ever say sometimes it does?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is more like a closing sentiment off than anything resembling more unfamiliar.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I don't know what that is.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We don't know what you mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, guys, I hope that you are. I'm sorry.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Again with that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at me, man and woman. What did you say?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Man and lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please stop flapping your penis at me. By the way, you were just blowing on it. What? To get it to move slightly.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Slapping the penis. Slapping the bass.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's almost a rhyme. Flapping and slapping. Front loaded, though.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Funny rhyme.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, guy. Sorry. Man, Woman. Woman, Lady. Man and lady.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Very simple.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's just as simple as it is to peep what we are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I just call you Dirk and Emily? Is that okay? That made you so sad. You guys look like a crying emoji. Right.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Then I'd like to be called Ms. Grandchildren.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Do you see people's faces as emojis?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do I have money in my mouth?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, honey, you look like the crying emoji. What did I do now?

[Scott Aukerman]

You look like the barfing emoji. Are you sick? All right, well, you're going to be here the entire show.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We have.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes, we are. We have to. Okay, well, we don't want to.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's great to see you guys again. Great to see you, Ms. Grandchildren and Dirk. It's a verbal tic. I've said it my entire life. I call everyone. Guys, you have to stop now, okay?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Now is the day you don't do that ever again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? I don't think I'm gonna be able to.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

This is how you will March time for the rest of your life.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Today is the day. Open this.

[Scott Aukerman]

The demarcation point is now.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Open this card.

[Scott Aukerman]

Open the card. Okay. You guys got me a card? Is this like an anniversary card?

[Emily Grandchildren]

And please read it out loud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dear Scott, to whom it may concern. Why did you put that after Dear Scott?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Because we weren't sure you were gonna be here.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You'll see that Dear Scott has written over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, who may concern.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

So then we were told you were here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yes. With all of the love in our hearts, we welcome you to the studio. RC Col would love to celebrate your ninth anniversary with a free case of RC Strawberry Cola.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is no longer popular and thereby why we were able to gather so much of it.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And give it to you thereby.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Y.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We have that in the front.

[Scott Aukerman]

You left that in the front. Okay. Party in the back.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Right up there in the front.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We left it in the front. You can party in the back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, sincerely. Funny.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ms. Grandchildren and Dirk. Thirsty. Well. Oh, by the way, you work for RC Cola. Is that. I mean, your last name is Thirsty? Was that a coincidence?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's a coincidence because RC is so far removed from what I actually do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, how do you mean that?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Because I'm working. Not at the RC offices.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. You're out there in the field. Out there on the streets. I'm in the streets, yeah. You're a field agent.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Dirk's a corporate floater.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm a corporate floater, which is what I wanted to be when I grew up.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't quite know what that means. Not having.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's like a poop in a toilet.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's like a poop in a toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

But in the business world.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

So it's the equivalent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it. All right, well, I think it's time to get to our first guest. Why?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Who came in here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Our producer is handing me a sheet here, and everyone is a surprise to me today. So let's see who we have here. Oh, well, this is. This is very exciting. This is. It reads here, fan favorite. He's been on the show several times, but only recently.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only in approximately the last five, six months.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah. He's catching on quick, this guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Rudy north is here.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Rudy north, professional employee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudy north, professional employee and fan favorite.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Scott, I need to get this out of the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Oh, really? You don't want to meet our other.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'll get to these two in a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You have to get something off your chest. Rudy, welcome Back to the show.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Thank you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

No time for formalities or pleasantries, though.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I gotta get to this right away.

[Scott Aukerman]

To get to it. Okay, Let there be no more dalliances, please, Scott.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Let's go ahead and do a recap. Previously on Comedy Bang Bang. I am a dirtbag. I life swapped a guy, took his job at Postmates, got fired for Postmates. For punching people in the throat, right? Then I life swapped a guy at Target, took his job at security, right? I got fired for punching people in the throat, Right? Then at the end of the last show, I took engineer Cody's job with a live swap. He's no longer here at Earwolf.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's no longer here. But I haven't seen you around.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I was immediately fired.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I punched engineer Brett in the throat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, Brett. Is that true? Don't get on that.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, you've noticed he can't be him. He can't talk anymore. His throat is fucked up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, is that why. Oh, my gosh, you've been, like, gesturing the. Please give me the Heimlich.

[Dirk Thirsty]

He does that on the show. It's a comfort thing for him. It's like a thunder blanket for a dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, okay, so that catches us up.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yes, that catches you up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because as far as I recall, you were also a magical being.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That's not important.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Scott.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm here to talk about my employment and, Scott, I got a new job.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got a new job.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That's right, Scott. Okay, well, I was fired from Werewolf. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course you were. Yes, of course.

[Dirk Thirsty]

All right, now, I was walking through.

[Scott Aukerman]

A park just the other day.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I was walking through a park just the other day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

And there was a guy. I heard this sound, and it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Describe the sound, please.

[Dirk Thirsty]

The sound, it was loud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, sounds are normally varying volumes. So this was at the upper end of the. It was a tone.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It was a tonal sound.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

So the music, it was like a tone. Can I give you an example of what it sounded like?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, please.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It sounded like this. That kind of sound.

[Scott Aukerman]

So sort of like singing?

[Dirk Thirsty]

It was like singing, but it was coming from an engine, a motor. And I walked over to it, and I saw a man holding a leaf blower. Scout.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this is very confusing. Let me try to figure this out. You heard a sound. A sound like singing? Yes, it was coming from a motor.

[Andre P. Neuer]

That motor in a car.

[Scott Aukerman]

A motor in a car.

[Dirk Thirsty]

A leaf blower.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Sc I think I know what's going on here. And correct me if I'm Wrong. Was this a Flintstone situation where the leaf blower was a living creature, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

A dinosaur of some dinosaur?

[Dirk Thirsty]

If this was prehistoric times, it might have been.

[Scott Aukerman]

But this was current times.

[Andre P. Neuer]

But this was current times.

[Dirk Thirsty]

We had the machines.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, can I ask you a question? You noticed it was from a motor before it was from a leaf blower?

[Dirk Thirsty]

I have a keen sense of hearing, Scott. Based on my time and time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you heard it and it was singing. Based on what?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm sorry.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Based on my time on this Earth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay. Oh, okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

But I heard it. It was a secret.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've all had time on this earth, so why should yours be marqueed?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Mine's very good.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, I'm very old. But we don't have time to get it to this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. You're hundreds of years old.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm hundreds of years old, Yes. I punch this guy in the throat.

[Scott Aukerman]

The guy holding the leaf blower?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yep. Took his leaf blower.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Took his job, took his life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What was his job?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Leaf blower.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I thought that might be something he was doing on the weekends.

[Dirk Thirsty]

No, no, he's a leaf blower.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That he works for the city of Los Angeles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Scott, I'm happy to say that I'm a happy employee for the city of Los Angeles. I'm a leaf blower.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh. Congratulations.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudy north, you finally have.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I found a job.

[Scott Aukerman]

What could be a career.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Now, Scott, a lot of people. Now you're calling it a career, and I appreciate that. Cause a lot of people look down on leaf blowers and they say, is that even a job? It's very easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I would assume no one would do that unless they were getting paid for it.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Well, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean. Or they were trying to, you know, do the upkeep of their own property.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I say being a leaf blower is akin to being an architect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, how do you mean? Like, I'm trying to think of architects that I've met.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Mr. Brady.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mr. Brady is the only famous example of an architect.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Frasier.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Frasier.

[Scott Aukerman]

Frasier was an architect.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I think Caroline in the City, she drew buildings.

[Dirk Thirsty]

She drew a building.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was she a cartoon?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Is Ted Knight from Too Close for Comfort? He also drew buildings.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I feel like Frasier was a call in radio host.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like he might have been.

[Dirk Thirsty]

But I might be wrong. I don't know anything about how he's.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Frasier Crane.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Your last name's Crane? You don't work with them.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, shit. You know what? He was an architect.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a little confused by the sound that this leaf blower made.

[Charlie Manson]

All right.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You want me to do it again?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, no, but it sounds like. It sounds like a human being singing.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Well, Scott, I'm not. That was pretty good.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, we were sneezing.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, that was a sneeze.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bless you.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Good on tight. God bless you.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's one of the things that caused us to work together. We realized around the office.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We got another one.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We both.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You instantly harmonized.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Now I got a good ear, so.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I couldn't hear over my own sneezing.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Sneezing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess any two different notes are harmony in. In a certain chord.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Hey, you're the music expert, Scott. I'm just the leaf growing expert, I guess.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Scott, criticizing how we sneeze.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not criticizing at all. I'm merely. I was more criticizing what Rudy said.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Well, hold up. Don't criticize. If you're gonna criticize anything, criticize these nuts.

[Scott Aukerman]

My dear fellow.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm just saying.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Did you say that because your nuts are critter sized.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are as big as possums.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I got big nuts. And if you're gonna criticize anything, you gotta criticize my dice. Scott. You're not respecting me, Scott, because I'm telling you that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't punch me in the throat.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm not gonna punch you in the throat. All right, Dirt Bay's handshake. I'm not gonna taunt you in the throat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Scott, were you a genie or something?

[Dirk Thirsty]

No, I was not a genie. Now, yes, I might have a similar voice to a genie that might have appeared.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't we all.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Don't we all have similar voices?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I know I sound like a genie.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I sound like many people.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was your. But I'm trying to. You always come in here and you never. You say we never have time to talk about your backstory. And I'm worried we're getting into the, you know, the intricacies of leaf blowing when I'm really interested in the.

[Dirk Thirsty]

How could you be interested in.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're immortal.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay, Scott, I'm immortal. I wasn't born into a human body. I was born in 1600. These are things that we all know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we talk about? All right, go ahead, Scott. Look, it's your show.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I don't think you understand.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's his show. I'm already.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's your time.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It is my time.

[Scott Aukerman]

The floor is yours is what I mean to say.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Thank you, Scott. This forum is mine. And I want to talk about the importance of blowing leads.

[Scott Aukerman]

The importance of it. Yes.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay, now, where do they go? The Importance of Blowing Leaves by Oscar Wilde.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where do they go? Anytime I see someone blowing leaves around, I'm like, it's like when you go in, there's an air dryer in the public restroom and you're like, where does the water go? Where's the water go? It's just like flicking it around, you know, onto the floor.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It evaporates.

[Rudy North]

Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

In that situation, it evaporates, but with leaves.

[Scott Aukerman]

So do leaves evaporate?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Can't you just absolutely see where the leaves go?

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems like they're just flying around, and then it's like they're no longer on my property anymore. On someone else's.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah. My job is to get leaves off of sidewalks and get them onto people's shoes and faces and to sort of get them so that people can walk down the sidewalk and be like, wow, this is clean. But, ooh, it smells like mulch. There's bugs everywhere. And somebody's sort of swished around all this dirt with air and didn't really do anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. I mean, so you're just like blowing leaves onto someone's face so they look like Gene Simmons in his Kiss makeup or something.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That's Buffalo favorite thing to do, blowing leaves on people's faces so they look like Gene Simmons in the Kiss makeup.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's very specific, Scott.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You should be a leaf blower, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm very happy in my current position. Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You know what? I don't know if you have the skills to blow leaves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What are the skills involved? I mean, it seems like you pick up a thing and then you point it at something. You have to turn it on. Is that about it?

[Dirk Thirsty]

You've never leaf blown before, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't believe I ever have. No. I.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That was some expert shit right there. I mean, damn you. So you pick it up and you turn it on. You're pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you point it.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You know what, man? Leaf blow is pretty easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, it's. It's a very low paying job. I mean, not. I'm sure there are people out there. I mean, I don't think there's anyone out there listening to podcasts while they leaf blow.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I think that would be impossible.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, you know, I don't think I'm insulting anyone really, but it's a very low paying, low wage job that, you know, people don't want to stay in for a long period of time. Usually can I ask you a question, Scott? Sure.

[Dirk Thirsty]

How much money you make?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

That's a good question.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This is interesting.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Has anyone ever asked you that before?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes, I'd like.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, it fluctuates. Here's the problem is when you're in show business, jobs come and go. It fluctuates so much.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Average of the last three years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of the last three. I would have to take a look at my tax returns. I don't have them easily accessible to me.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This is interesting.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, that is interesting.

[Dirk Thirsty]

This isn't a rude question. I feel like this question is a normal question.

[Scott Aukerman]

You put the rude and. Rudy north, my friend.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Funny rhyme.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That's a funny rhyme.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Damage.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is good. Quite good.

[Emily Grandchildren]

So how much money do you make?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, what are we paying you? You guys should have this information more than anyone.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Just do. We just want to know how you interpret it.

[Scott Aukerman]

In dollars.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay. Wow, you were troubled out, Scotty.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you talking about?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Making a note of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, Rudy, why are you here? What? Not to quote the Beastie Boys, but why are you here?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Supposed to be Prince.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Supposed to be pretzels.

[Dirk Thirsty]

They're still talking. Hold on. What are y'all saying?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm sorry. You were supposed to be paid in pretzels, not dollars.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Are you being paid in dollars?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Cause that's a problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to pay me in the equivalent number of pretzels that dollars would buy.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Listen.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No, the equivalent number of pretzels, that would be dollars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so every dollar is one pretzel. Because that's not an equitable.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I mean, maybe you don't understand how corporate culture works. We're paying you in pretzels to make you thirsty, to buy RC Cola and drink it.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's thirsty.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

That's my name, not my number.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your number?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

3, 1, 2.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, don't say.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Hold on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this your Social Security or your telephone?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

You figure it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what do we got? 3 1, 3, 1 2, 92 9, 2, 3, 3, 1 2, 2, 1 2, 20092 2, 9 2, 2. This is not a Social Security number. It doesn't even sound like a phone number anymore.

[Emily Grandchildren]

409.

[Scott Aukerman]

409. Like the formula. Oh, my gosh.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Times 60.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I can't even keep track anymore. And I'm relatively good at math.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Well, this is wild. I mean, Scott, can I just say, Scott, you asked me why I was here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, why are you here?

[Dirk Thirsty]

I did want to tell you about my new job, but I did have some other news I need to deliver to you. But then we can move on, and we don't need to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this is news about yourself or news about me?

[Dirk Thirsty]

It's kind of news about myself, but it's news about everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Scott, I'm sorry.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Everybody in the world or everybody here?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Everyone who's ever existed ever existed.

[Scott Aukerman]

The dead. Yeah. Look, Scott, from the first caveman that. That, you know, took a lightning strike to a tree branch and decided, like, oh, that keeps me warm.

[Dirk Thirsty]

He's affected too soon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Emily Grandchildren]

The first caveman that took a lightning strike.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

So how do you think to a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tree branch and said, oh, that keeps me warm.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You guys think that's a weird. I got it, Scott. Your actual name is Slot Aukerman. We're living in a Flashpoint esque scenario where I've traveled back in time and changed.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you've altered the future.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, little details have changed in everyone's lives.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like the buttercream effect.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It's like the buttercream effect, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Dirk Thirsty]

So, yeah, your name is Scott now.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Scott now. But it used to be Slot.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It used to be Slot Ock.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What was my name, dirt bag?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, Your name was Mrs. Grandkids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mrs. Grandkids. Not Ms. Grandchildren?

[Dirk Thirsty]

No, it was Mrs. Grandkids.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

What was my name?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, your name. Dick. Thirsty?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'll stick with Dirk.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, okay. But was Ms. Grandchildren married to Stephen King in the previous?

[Dirk Thirsty]

She was married to Steven Prince.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stephen Prince?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah. Scott, I don't really wanna explain all the differences.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Was Stephen King's name Steven Prince before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or was it a totally different person?

[Dirk Thirsty]

When you go back that far in time, it's hard to kind of predict the outcomes. So, yeah, it's hard.

[Scott Aukerman]

How far back did you go in order to.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, I went back. I went back before humans existed. Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

The primordial ooze.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I think you have a lot of other guests, Scott, and I feel like we shouldn't really get too far into this.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you do. How did you achieve it? Because as far as I know, you're just an immortal.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, yeah. I can run really fast. Like the Flash. Just like the DC Comics Flash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you can't time travel in terms of. Just, like, if you wanted to, you'd have to run really fast.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I run really fast.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Backwards in time.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Mm. I have the same powers as the Flash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every single power.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yep. I can phase through stuff. I could also make duplicates of myself when I vibrate really fast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, and can you bring other people into the Speed Force and have them experience. Oh, I would love to experience it.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You wanna talk to the Speed Force?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let me get in there.

[Dirk Thirsty]

All right, hold on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. That was amazing. Yeah, that was like, three years we were in there.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What did you say to the Speed Force?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. We just. It didn't talk back, so I just.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, he said a lot of stuff. But, Scott, we had a lot of fun times in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was really fun. I feel like. I mean, you're my best friend. I love you. For the last three years. How long were we gone? Was it like two years? Why are you guys still here? I can't believe it.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Even the time stopped over here. I guess it was just like a millisecond to us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my. Oh, my gosh.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That's right, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudy and I have experienced so much. He told me his whole backstory. I learned everything about him.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Now, Scott, now. Now that you know the backstory, let's not start telling people.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's boring to me. Now it's boring. I don't want to hear it out so much.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You want to have a secret conversation? I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you guys talking about?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Nothing.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I don't feel good because of what happened just now.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What are you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You mean what's Emotionally or physically?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

They went away and then they came back and they're best friends.

[Emily Grandchildren]

But don't. Don't you see they're lying?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, well, they are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I never think anyone's lying.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You. You're too trusty.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Of course I kid. Of course I kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

What, you guys really feel bad that we.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or you think we're lying? Which is it?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Dirt feels bad. I think you're lying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, I'm gonna. It's one or the other, okay?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Either. Either you made dirt feel bad or you're lying.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, D. Jerk Feels bad is what I'll take because we.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's going in my report.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm going to be speaking audibly about this.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay, Scott, can I have a private conversation with you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let's have a private conversation.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Scott, you remember, like, eight months ago, we were in the Speed Force?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Dirk Thirsty]

We were talking to Speed Force.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Which day was. Which day were you talking about?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Back in, like, Speed Force November.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

And you were, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was, like, right next to Speed Force Thanksgiving.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Which was fun. I remember that.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gathered all the speed for Force Pilgrims and. Yeah. This is what, Native Americans. Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

So you remember you were trying to, like, make a dish for everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sure.

[Dirk Thirsty]

And I said, scott, you can't please everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is kind of good advice. Yeah. I was trying so hard and it was running me ragged. And I was really worried about every single person's feelings.

[Dirk Thirsty]

This is just like d. Scott, you cannot try to please all these people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudy, this is why I love you.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

But you should try to please us because we're in charge of the show.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's right. We're determining your fate right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys were listening to our private conversation? Well, it was going in Rudy and My Rebel.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Hell yeah. We make a report.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, this is going in our report.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Nobody cares what your report says.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, is it mother's fucker or is it motherfuckers?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, it used to be mothers fucker, but when I changed the timeline, now it's motherfucker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this is a Berenstain Bear situation.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, Berenstain.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, we are coming up on a break here. Rudy.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm sorry for dropping that bomb, but we've gotten so close.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have gotten so close. God. Can you stick around, Rudy? Is that okay? I just. I feel like I can't do the show anymore with it. I mean, you think I would leave.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You at this time of peril?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I haven't done this show in three years. I feel like I'm a little rusty. I need my best friend.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Literally no time has passed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but for us, it has.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It's been a while, Scott. I got you back.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, guys, let's go to a break. When we come back, we'll have more surprises. This is exciting. I have no idea.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This word from RC Cola.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, yes.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We'll assuming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to do an RC Cola ad? Is that what I do?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, go ahead.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, sure, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Emily and Dirk, go ahead.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What are you drinking, Dirk?

[Scott Aukerman]

That doesn't sound like what you were drinking before.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We're doing a commercial.

[Scott Aukerman]

This commercial before, when you were drinking. It was.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I was about to explain that I wasn't drinking. Be quiet, Dirk.

[Dirk Thirsty]

What's going on?

[Emily Grandchildren]

You're not drinking.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

My tongue fell out.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What's that?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

My tongue fell out. It's too hard from no drinks.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, no. I've got the perfect solution. Are you familiar with Royal Crown Cola?

[Andre P. Neuer]

No.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, it's commonly known as RC Cola.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did I ring a bell?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Did I sound familiar?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Here, drink some of it.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Ouch.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What? You drank too fast.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Hey, I'm dirtbag Rudy North.

[Scott Aukerman]

He just throat punched them. Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Drink RC Cola. I'm coming for that ass, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Wow. Good commercial. Let's hear some for our real sponsors film. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. More Dirk Thirsty, more Emily Grandchildren, more Rudy north and more surprises after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Here's what it is. You create a stunning online presence with Squarespace, where you can easily showcase your services. Whether it's, I don't know, consultations, maybe events, experiences, all on a fully customizable website. Just enjoy yourself customizing this thing. You're going to love it. It attracts clients and it helps grow your business. Squarespace's cutting edge design tools make it simple for anyone to build a bespoke website that aligns perfectly with their brand. Here's how you start. You start with Blueprint AI, their AI. AI. AI. AI powered website builder. And create a fully personalized site in just a few steps. Oh, this sounds so fut. Futuristic and exciting. Squarespace also helps streamline your entire workflow with built in tools for appointment scheduling, email marketing and professional invoicing. Plus, get paid on time with branded invoices and seamless online payments. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, therapy, it can feel like a big investment, right? Or just a big, at least outlay of money that you're never going to get back. But if you do, think about it like, you know, almost like paying for personal training, right? Like the state of your mind is just as important as your physical health, isn't it? Traditional in person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per sesh, which adds up fast depending on how many sessions you do. But with better help, online therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per sesh. I'm gonna stop saying sesh. Therapy should feel accessible, right? Not like a luxury. Well, with online therapy, you get quality care at a price that makes sense. Your mental health is worth it. And now it's within reach. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It is convenient too. You can join a session with the click of a button, my dear boy, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus switch therapists at Any time your well being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com Bang Bang to get 10% off your first month.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. That's BetterHelp. H E-L-P.com I ask myself, is it a sin to be flexible? That's right. Flexibility. It's not a sin. Get out of here. Depeche mode. Well, flexibility in your workday means you can decide when and where to invest your time. And with stamps.com tedious tasks, the TTS of the world, like sending certified mail invoices, yawn checks. Who needs them? They can be done on your time, not someone else's. Stamps.com simplifies your postage needs and adds valuable flexibility back into your workday. Seamlessly connect with every major marketplace and shopping cart. If you sell products online, get rates you won't see anywhere else. Like up to 88% off USPS. That's almost all. And UPS. Oh. I've been using stamps.com for, you know, over a decade. At this point. They're one of our super sponsors. We would mail every single package out using stamps.com. it's easy, it's fun. It is fun. Have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com. sign [e-mail] and use code Bang Bang for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com code bang bang bang. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here with my best friend, Rudy north is here and dude.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Commercial.

[Scott Aukerman]

We just have been like, dude, dude. We've been just like getting real with each other during the break. It was too much. Yeah.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Improv during commercial.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too much improv during commercial.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Excuse me, silly.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Commercial.

[Scott Aukerman]

We can do whatever we want during.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You're listening to my private notes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you Speaking them aloud, Ms. Grandchildren.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes, I am. It helps me to think we're back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here with Ms. Grandchildren. Emily. Grandchildren. Dirk. Thirsty. I meant to ask you, Ms. Grandchildren.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you work for Royal Crown Cola because you're married to Stephen King.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Look, I cannot believe I keep thinking people are gonna stop asking me that. Obviously, I do the doy doi.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay, cool.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Now, for me, it's a coincidence.

[Dirk Thirsty]

The thirsty thing is a coincidence.

[Scott Aukerman]

But the Crowning King. But for Crowning King is. Exactly so. Did Stephen King suggest you do it because he wanted to drink the drink that reminded him of his last name?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

You call him Stephen King when you know him.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you call him?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Coaxie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Coaxie.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Coaxie.

[Scott Aukerman]

But Coaxie.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Here's the Thing? I was a cocaine dealer, right? I dealt cocaine to Stephen King. But isn't it so much so do you want to hear the story or not?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do. Wow.

[Emily Grandchildren]

So much so that I called him Coaxie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Emily Grandchildren]

He said, when you call me Coaxie, it makes me thirsty for soft drinks.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And I said, what? I'm thirsty.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Dirk was there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And then he.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you did not want to work for the corporation due to that.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No, I just was hanging out with my friend Emily, grandchildren, and my soon.

[Emily Grandchildren]

To be husband, Stephen King.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And I said, I'm thirsty. And then he said, these pretzels are making me thirsty. And then we said. Stop always quoting Seinfeld. You'll never be him. You're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a Stephen King wanted to be Seinfeld.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh. That's all he wanted to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Funny. Every musician wants to be funny.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Every horror novelist wants to be Jerry Seinfeld.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Everyone wishes they were funner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Everyone wishes they were fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it weird you used to deal coke and now you work for a coke?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, that's what I was getting to, but you wouldn't shut up.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, he wouldn't shut up more than me.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, that's allowed in our relationship. Isn't it weird that you used to deal coke and I love this stuff and of course. I'm kidding.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't like Artsy Cola. He doesn't like Coca Cola.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Cocaine, you don't mind.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Can't you hear?

[Dirk Thirsty]

You don't. Hey, back off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Rudy.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Don't fuck with my man Scott, all right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm glad you have my back here, Rudy.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This is going much report.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I don't even work here anymore. Y'all fired the fuck out of me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but this is going in our report, by the way. Are you writing this now?

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm writing it down.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We're all writing everything down.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay, I got a pen and paper right here.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Is your name Rudy? Is it short for Rudith?

[Dirk Thirsty]

No.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Is it short for rudimentary?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your name. Your name back in this when. When I was born in 1600. No, I know all this.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, you know that, but rudimentary? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

That never came up in the last three years.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I never told you about my naming.

[Scott Aukerman]

You never told me about rudimentary north.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I was named after a compass. Oh, Scott, we can't get it to this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not true north. Not rudimentary north, but rudimentary north. So it's just sort of north.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That's right. But that was a great question. I can't believe that didn't come up. Scott, maybe we need to go back in this be. Well, whatever. Maybe after.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boom. Maybe at the end of the show.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We will choice for host for this show if you're not asking the best questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, we covered so much in the last three years.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's just an idea and I'm writing it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, look, we need to get to our next guest and engineer Brett's handed me another piece of paper and. Oh, this is exciting. We've only talked to him once, but he was a fan favorite. He is a from Australia or.

[Rudy North]

Ah, Scott. Oh, yeah. Hi. How you going?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi. It's Kiwi Chris is back. Kiwi Chris? Yeah.

[Rudy North]

Bit of an adventurer through hiker all around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big picker guy who falls in holes, guys who finds in holes.

[Rudy North]

I. Guys in holes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys in fights in holes.

[Rudy North]

Yeah. Scott, I'm not from Australia. I'm from New Zealand.

[Scott Aukerman]

New Zealand. I'm a Kiwi.

[Rudy North]

Yeah. How you going, everybody?

[Scott Aukerman]

How you going?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Sup, dude? What's up, suh?

[Rudy North]

Oi. Sup? What's the rudimentary player?

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome back to the show. It's so good to see you.

[Rudy North]

Good to be here.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I have a problem. When I listen to an accent, I.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Have to do it.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Wait, which one of you is talking now?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's not me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is you, Dirk.

[Rudy North]

Doesn't sound a lot like me at all. Slightly offended. Just kidding. I'm casual. I don't care.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That's how you, like, swap somebody. You just start saying their accent, then you take their wallet and then you take their identity.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's how it's. Yeah, that's of course how it started.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Accent, wallet, identity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, throat punch, also. Throat punch.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Well, that's a given.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. So that doesn't have to be in the instructions.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Chris, it's so good to see you. This is Chris.

[Rudy North]

First name Kiwi, lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

So sorry. Kiwi, it's so good to see you. This is Dirk. Thirsty and grandchildren. And since the last time I. Since the last time I saw you. About three and a half years ago. Yeah.

[Rudy North]

Oh, long time, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, Rudy and I have been in the Speed Force for three years. I've been there just. It took a millisecond here, but we became best friends.

[Rudy North]

Have you stayed in the hostel? In the Speed Force.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, you've been at the Speed Force?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, I've been there. So here's my thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Primarily where we were.

[Rudy North]

Accidental interdimensional traveler, right? I fall in the halls and I discover things. That's my thing. Right. So I feel in the hall and I feel into the Speed Force and it was nice. I was there for bit and then I came out, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long were you in the Speed Forest?

[Rudy North]

Oh, I mean times is relative there, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah, yeah, that's true.

[Dirk Thirsty]

How many holes do you fall in? A lot of holes.

[Rudy North]

I'm a very clumsy guy. Bit of a clumsy man.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sort of tripped as you were walking in here, I noticed. And luckily there were no holes in the floor here.

[Rudy North]

No, no. But let me tell you. Yesterday I fell in a hole and guess what I discovered.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that?

[Rudy North]

Arthurian. Camelot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Arthurian Camelot.

[Rudy North]

Camelot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Camelot.

[Rudy North]

Camelot. Like Lancelot, Guinevere. Arthur.

[Scott Aukerman]

Merlin.

[Rudy North]

Merlin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was he there?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, it was there. The whole gang was there.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were all alive.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, the whole gang.

[Rudy North]

The whole squad was there. Hanging out at the Round table.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you fall back in time as well?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, these halls are falling. They're like the space and time is relative.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, they're sort of like stargates.

[Rudy North]

I don't know. With 80.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Did you ever see the movie Stargate?

[Rudy North]

Nah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It had the guy whose penis was in the the Crying Game.

[Rudy North]

Oh, yeah, no, I've seen that penis, but haven't seen the game.

[Scott Aukerman]

You haven't seen the Crying Game?

[Rudy North]

Just the penis online.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I've seen the movie, but not the game.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You went to hollywoodpenises.com.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don'T. Don't hate the penis. Hate the game. Look.

[Rudy North]

Stupid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stupid.

[Rudy North]

I'm gonna lock you. That's what I say when I lock something.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Is that kiwi slash?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yeah, write it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you, you, you went to Camelot?

[Rudy North]

I went to Camelot. It was really nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my gosh.

[Rudy North]

Let me tell you, that table is pretty square.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, it's not around table.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not around? No, like pretty square. When you say pretty square, what do you mean?

[Rudy North]

It's like oblong, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

How many sides did it have?

[Rudy North]

I don't know. It was like a bit of a trapezoid. Bit of a trapezoid.

[Scott Aukerman]

A kind of a trapezoid.

[Rudy North]

Yeah. So like it's got two like parallel. Two, one parallel. And then, you know you've seen a trapezoid, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, occasionally looks like the top of a pizza. Yeah, that's a good way to say it. Yeah. Or like a Pizza Hut slash wingstop, right?

[Rudy North]

Yeah.

[Emily Grandchildren]

So it's a pretty square eye blowing trapezoid.

[Rudy North]

That's right. Yeah. But it's not Rand. Here's the crazy thing. I've learned from falling in my horse. It's like history is written by the winners, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. So Arthurian, Camelot were not winners in that situation? Oh, no, no, no. Who won in that situation?

[Rudy North]

I don't know. I haven't been there before today or yesterday.

[Scott Aukerman]

People who love circles.

[Rudy North]

I guess. So maybe Genghis Khan and his boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah. So what did you do while you were there, other than looking at the table?

[Rudy North]

I hung out, you know, I was with Merlin. He showed me a stiff. It was pretty nice, stiff, very long staff.

[Scott Aukerman]

His staff. Oh, okay. Right, right.

[Rudy North]

Yeah. He cut it off a big old tray, you know, and he put a bit of magic inside, and it was like, da da bing, da da boom. And then he was a wizard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. He put magic inside his staff and then he was a wizard?

[Rudy North]

Yeah.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

How did he get bada boom?

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it like that commercial? The bada bing, bada boom commercial?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

No, it was da da, da bing, da da boom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sorry.

[Rudy North]

Da da boom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Rudy North]

Yeah. Guinevere. Real beauty. Bit of a lookaha.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I guess. Yeah. Everyone was fighting over her lady.

[Rudy North]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Rudy North]

She was like the Helen of Troy, but like of England of a different time.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good analogy, I guess.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Can I ask a question? Do you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, Rudy. You don't have to ask me if you can ask a question.

[Dirk Thirsty]

No, this is your show, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are my dog. You are my best friend. Okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm asking a question because my boy Scott said I could. Do you have a house?

[Rudy North]

Do I have a house? No. See, I have lots of money, so I just stay in hostels. And I'm always traveling because I was.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Saying, like, how do you get back to places?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, I just fall upward back out of the hall and back into reality.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you float or fly?

[Rudy North]

Oh, no, I fall upward. I think I explained it pretty clearly.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what do you do? Like, jump into the air, sort of like in reverse.

[Rudy North]

So I'm going upward instead of down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So it's literally just like reversing a videotape or something.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yeah.

[Rudy North]

You know how they say, like, Australia's down under?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Rudy North]

This is like, up under.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I guess so. Because Australia is at the bottom of the world. You can just jump up.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, it's in reverse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Rudy North]

So, yeah, Come back out of the hall, and I realize, oh, I'm where I last was on my travels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask him a question, Rudy?

[Rudy North]

Dude, is this gonna be a whole thing where you check in with one another before asking questions?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

If you can Host.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not my guest. He's my best friend. Friends.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This is the host, though. This is very. Scott. This is a professional situation, Scott, to.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Avoid this whole thing. Ask away, my man.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. You ask away, too. All right.

[Dirk Thirsty]

We don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we're. Yeah. Do you fall? Do you. Do you trip and fall and holes happen to be there, or do you step into the holes and that's why you fall?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, that's a good question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Rudy North]

I guess it's like.

[Dirk Thirsty]

So you're not sure?

[Rudy North]

I don't know. It's like if you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This is something that happens to you literally all the time.

[Rudy North]

Right? But here's the thing, okay. If you're talking to Michael Jordan, right? Oh, yeah, the Kiwi version. Stan Crayon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stan Crayon, the best basketball player in Zealand. New Zealand basketball, right.

[Rudy North]

So if you're talking to him, right, and you say, oh, Stan, like, how does your jump shot work? He's not going to say, oh, first my elbow comes up and then I release the ball and then I follow through.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Rudy North]

It's just a process that I think.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Why couldn't you sit here?

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe actually he would very easily. He would. And watch tape and sort of critique his own form and then adjust.

[Emily Grandchildren]

He could even just remember, this is what I do.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It's almost as if that example didn't make any sense at all.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I can describe how I do anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Ask him. Ask him anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Dirk, how do you eat breakfast?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, that's really more of a process.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not true.

[Dirk Thirsty]

So you're not sure about that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, come on. Wait. It has to be like one motion.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Lift my arm, I get a spoon. I lift it with my finger.

[Scott Aukerman]

You lift your arm first and then get a spoon.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I lift my arm towards the drawer. I open the drawer with my grip. I get a spoon, I open a cabinet with my other grip.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Can you talk about your grip?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's a little bit of my fingers tightening around a rod.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. It's not like a kung fu grip where it's just ironclad or anything.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I open the cabinet, I get my cereal. Which is. Well, I don't want to say.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You can say the sores will sell.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Out if you say it on the show.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Frosted flurries.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Frosted flurries.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's all just the sugar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, right.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's a. It's a cereal that I make.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It's just sugar.

[Scott Aukerman]

You make cereal?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I make my own cereal.

[Scott Aukerman]

As a hobby or as a passion? Yes.

[Emily Grandchildren]

But I scrape off the sugar from Frosted Flakes and just put it in.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

A bag and then I buy that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You buy it for how much?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I sell it on my lawn every single day.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

How many Fresno of work?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I do a lot of work.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I do 20 pretzels for that.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

For one bag. So wait a minute. Is just because of your cocaine dealing days, you just like to have baggies of white stuff?

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I also have a baby powder business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I put the food in my mouth in a tube.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I still want to know about the whole, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

But here's the thing.

[Rudy North]

Okay, so you're suggesting that I'll just carry a videotape around at all times and just anytime I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not a videotape. Maybe a camera.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, that's better.

[Rudy North]

Oh, chicken of the egg, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I think the. The camera would actually record you.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Which came first?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Let me ask you. Can I ask you a question?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Or the earth.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Did you ever see the movie Holes? And if so, did you fall down while you watched it?

[Rudy North]

Louis Sicker. Louis Sicker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shia LaBeouf. I know Shia LaBeouf was in it.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, but the guy who wrote the original novel. Louis Seca.

[Scott Aukerman]

Louis Secker. Seca Secre.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Have you read the book?

[Rudy North]

Saka.

[Scott Aukerman]

Saka. Is that yes or no?

[Rudy North]

Y'all. Y'all read the book? It's pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's a good one.

[Rudy North]

Yeah. Gypsy Kiss Me book, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have no idea what you're saying anymore.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

A Gypsy Kiss.

[Scott Aukerman]

A Gypsy Kiss.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I gotta read that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't know a gypsy kiss is in it.

[Rudy North]

Gypsy Kiss.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, curse. Oh, a lot like your husband's book. Thinner. Yeah. Gypsy cursing. That. I never realized those two books have that in common.

[Rudy North]

Oh, but to.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Bit to Christian, Coxie put a. Put a curse on me, and I got thinner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, Stephen King put a curse on you? Is it was thinner? Like autobiographical?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes, it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I wrote it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You wrote thinner?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Autobiographical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, are you Richard Bachman?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Christine is also autobiographical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's a biography of a car, so.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

A car?

[Scott Aukerman]

What about the car?

[Rudy North]

Kujo Steve is real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kudrow.

[Rudy North]

Kujo Kudrow.

[Emily Grandchildren]

When She Got Rabies.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Rabidly.

[Rudy North]

Right. Written by Stephen King.

[Emily Grandchildren]

He had to change it a little bit when it finally was published.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well. Because the Comeback.

[Rudy North]

Pretty exciting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Well, this.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Don't call it the comeback.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Don't call it a comeback. Call it her next show.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Kiwi. Hey, answer the question, man. Did you fall down when you were watching Holes?

[Rudy North]

That was a bit of a Movie though, huh?

[Dirk Thirsty]

It was a bit of.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You're dodging this question.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, we are filling the holes in holes. Is that what you fucking want from. Here's the thing. I'm a casual guy. I'm chill. But you guys are pushing me, talking about my processes that I don't think about. I'm just who I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alright, alright. I'm sorry. I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon, Kiwi. I mean, I know you're just like a casual guy who falls in holes. It doesn't really mean that much to him. You hung out with Merlin and Lancelot and Guinevere.

[Rudy North]

I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry. And you have barely anything to say about it other than the trapezoidal table. Yeah, it was fun.

[Rudy North]

I just had a bit of a freak out. Not unlike Stan Cran in the 1995 game where he scored seven points.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, that's. He was freaking out because it was low or high?

[Rudy North]

He was very high. He's the best basketball player New Zealand's ever had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, how did he get seven? Did he do a three pointer or was it a free shot? A free.

[Rudy North]

It was a free shot. Yeah, he got a. He got a seven pointer.

[Scott Aukerman]

He got one seven pointer.

[Rudy North]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kiwi basketball seems very different.

[Rudy North]

Very different. But yeah, big tip.

[Scott Aukerman]

I said different. You said nice. Right.

[Rudy North]

Camelot's fun, though. I've got more to say about it, but maybe go ahead. You know, can you name other knights of the tripzoid time?

[Scott Aukerman]

I know there was an owl.

[Rudy North]

A bit of an owl. Yeah. There was an owl.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Bubo, the robot owl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, I met him. He was cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Rudy North]

Do you know Lancelot? Bit of a dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man.

[Rudy North]

He's not a nice guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he's a knight. He was sort of a jock type.

[Rudy North]

He's. He's kissing Guinevere on the low.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Cursing.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah. Was he cursing?

[Rudy North]

No, no, no kissing.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you say on the low, do you mean below the waist or do you.

[Dirk Thirsty]

He was eating a.

[Rudy North]

He was eating a. But like quietly and secretly quiet.

[Dirk Thirsty]

So that makes him a dick.

[Rudy North]

She's married.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You got. Hey, man, you got to get down with female pleasure, my man.

[Rudy North]

It's not that. It's.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That is tight.

[Rudy North]

Or speak of marriage.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like. I'm like Tony Soprano. I don't do that.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay, all right, I get you.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I get you.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Writing that down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you're writing that down?

[Emily Grandchildren]

A good podcast, we not write that down.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Sexual, personal thing to share.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Exactly.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Corporate.

[Dirk Thirsty]

From friend to friend. A good podcast od.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you know what? Because you tell me that I'm going to start. So, anyone who wants it here, Miss? Grandchildren.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm a married woman.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And her?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm merely offering it.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's not what you think.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's available to any guest who wants it. That's all I'm saying.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

All I'm saying is. Yes, she's got a lot of hair down there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Miss. Miss Grand Ju.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Very natural.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, too natural, too. I don't know that anyone can.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

You wouldn't be able to find what you're looking for.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, from my ripple.

[Scott Aukerman]

The opposite of you too. Or no, I guess it's exactly. Exactly what?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

You play that song while you go down. I don't know.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's a one to one.

[Rudy North]

Not to be forward, but I've been in a lot of dense jungles and still found what I'm looking for, so maybe I can.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you're always looking to fall in holes.

[Rudy North]

No, I. Well, yeah, I'm not looking to fall in holes. It just happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if you ever looked to fall in a hole, would you not be able to fall in a hole?

[Rudy North]

Is it chicken and the egg?

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh? Do you have to sort of like.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

What do we mean when we say that?

[Emily Grandchildren]

When we say chicken and the egg.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Say it a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this a TED Talk?

[Andre P. Neuer]

What do.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

What do we. What do we mean? What do we mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll be back to the first time.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

You ever heard this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Dirk Thirsty]

A spotlight.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And what do we mean when we say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Dirk, we don't have time to listen to one minute. All right, here we go.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

60 seconds on the clock.

[Emily Grandchildren]

The person in the audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

And go.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Speak up. We can't hear you.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

This isn't a Q and A.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This part of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is part of.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, this is going to go viral.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

So the chicken. What's he doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

55 seconds left.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Hold on a second. To one woman. And that's the end of the road.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm worried about my parking.

[Scott Aukerman]

50 seconds.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'll validate.

[Scott Aukerman]

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Okay, we're out of time. We're out of time. Oh, too bad. Too bad. We're out of time.

[Rudy North]

Very exciting.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Why should I talk about.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Ma'am, I can't hear you. I'm sorry.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I guess I didn't get the part.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, Kiwi. Anything. Anything else? This is so chaotic. Anything else you want to say about medieval?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, I guess it's like jousting. It's not as fun as you think it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jousting.

[Rudy North]

Jousting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, jousting. Yeah, it's not as fun as it thinking.

[Rudy North]

You guys have a lot of trouble understanding my accent, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, it seems it's either our fault or your fault. I can't tell.

[Rudy North]

Couldn't be mine. Couldn't be at all. Jousting is fun, but you know, it is fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's. But not as fun as your jousting is fun.

[Emily Grandchildren]

But you know what is fun? There we go.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah.

[Rudy North]

Do you know jousting?

[Dirk Thirsty]

He's a sword fight.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I feel like you gave me the answer.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, but jousting is fun, but you know, it is fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it would be bad, so jousting. It would be bad to be on the receiving end of a joust when you like, get hit with the thing.

[Rudy North]

I'm really good at sword fighting though. I found it. Even though I'm a casual guy, I've got a bit of facility with a sword.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? So there's an instructor who sometimes comes through here. Oh, fencing instructor.

[Rudy North]

Fencing. Odd. But I use broadswords.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Well, I would imagine that they're fickle. Some of the techniques I think would translate, but I wonder if he'll ever come by here again. I don't know. I haven't seen him in so long.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, he had that open door policy. I wouldn't be surprised.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

If anyone could come in here.

[Scott Aukerman]

So did you win? Did you win a battle?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, I won the whole tournament. And they were like, stay, stay, be our new king. And I was like, oh, be a new king.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did Arthur have to say about that?

[Rudy North]

Well, I beat him. He was like, yeah, you're my new king. And I was like, what? I'm getting sucked back up into reality.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he bend the knee?

[Rudy North]

He bent into the knee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my gosh. So when you say get squirted down.

[Rudy North]

To the ground and bended the knee.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were like reverse falling? Uh huh.

[Rudy North]

I was like, oh, I just won. But then I was getting sucked up back up into the reverse hall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gosh, that's like the toilet, but in reverse. That's so unfortunate. Did you want to stay?

[Rudy North]

Oh, it would have been nice. But you know, reality's cool. I can be more casual up here. Stay back in my hostel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you would have had to wear a crown.

[Rudy North]

Like, oh, that's not me.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You lived the exact plot of the movie Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence.

[Rudy North]

Oh yeah, I've seen it.

[Dirk Thirsty]

He falls in a moat outside of a castle and he just wakes up. In medieval times, they're fascinated by how black he is. And then he comes back. That's it.

[Rudy North]

All things considered, they were not their isis.

[Dirk Thirsty]

They were. They were pretty tight. And it was a black princess.

[Rudy North]

That's crazy.

[Dirk Thirsty]

And you want to talk more about his movie?

[Rudy North]

I would love to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Hey, man, Black Knight is tight.

[Scott Aukerman]

How come we didn't watch Black Knight in the last three years if you love it so much?

[Dirk Thirsty]

They don't have DVDs in the speed Force.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry that we don't have that in common, but apparently, like you and Kiwi.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Like you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know so much about Black Knight.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Every time I get another friend, it's like you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. Well, this. Well, this happened to us in Speed Force Valentine's Day, too.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That was a whole other. Scott, we can't talk about that right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, fine. Look, I'm a little annoyed with Rudy right now.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Speed Force Valentine's Day?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, Speed Force Valentine's Day, too. Me and Scott were watching it in the Speed Force, and we got to a big old fight, and we don't have time to get into that right now, all right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we don't have time. We do have to go to a break. Look, we're gonna come right back. We have more surprises. I don't know who's gonna be here. We'll have more Dirk. Thirsty. More Emily. Grandchildren. More. My sort of estranged best friend Rudy north and Kiwi Chris. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. After this.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Catch the Spring and Bloom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Event at Whole Foods Market with savings for Easter casual gatherings and more.

[Charlie Manson]

Save on no antibiotics ever meet Best.

[Kiwi Chris]

Of season Spring produce brunch favorites, sweets.

[Scott Aukerman]

And more through April 22nd. Hats. We all have to wear them to protect ourselves from the rain, the sun, the elements. I guess. Earth and water. No, I did water with rain. Who knows what the elements are? Who can even keep them straight? But we all agree we have to wear hats. And we have to wear a lot of different hats, right? When we run an online business especially, we have to wear so many different hats. Just trying to manage your web hosting while juggling a million other TAs. Well, Kinsta doesn't just host WordPress websites. They're sort of like the hat of the Internet. They deliver blazing speed, ironclad security and reliability, just like hats. And just by switching to Kinsta, your website could run up to 200% faster. Much like you, when you wear a hat, you run 200% faster. When it comes to security, Kinsta's in a League of Their Own, Madonna style. They're one of the few WordPress hosting providers who back their promises with multiple enterprise certifications. And when you hit a snag, you're gonna talk to real humans 24 7, 365. Actual people who get it, not these AI chatbots. Okay? Are you tired of being your own website support team? Take off that hat, switch your hosting to Kinsta and get your first month for free. And don't worry about the move. They'll handle the whole transition for you. No tech expertise required. Just visit kinsta.com, to get started. That's K-I-N-S-T a.com Bang.

[Kiwi Chris]

What's Poppin, listeners? I'm Lacy Mosley, host of the podcast Scam Goddess. The show that's an ode to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week I talk with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time. Wanna know about the fake errors? We got em? What about a career con man? We've got them too. Guys that will wine and dine you and then steal all your coins. Oh, you know they are represented Cause represent presentation matters. I'm joined by guests like Nicole byer, Ira Madison III, Conan O'Brien, and more. Join the congregation and listen to Scam Goddess wherever you get your podcasts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here. Dirk, Thirsty, and Emily, grandchildren from corporate, have been making copious notes during the break. Also, Rudy and I, we made up. We made up. Yeah. You seem a little downtrodden about it.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I feel like we might need to go back to the Speed Force if this friendship is going to work.

[Scott Aukerman]

I could use another few years with you just. Just to really solidify this. Do you guys mind if we go back to the Speed Force? Is that okay? I mean, we'll just be gone a millisecond. Is that okay? I mean, it seems very unprofessional.

[Dirk Thirsty]

We already went. We're back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we're back.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Sorry, we just went to the Speed Force. Yeah, I didn't want to wait for your answer, so I just made it happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a long one.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah. What was that, 18 years?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that was 18. It was. Yeah. At least 18. Oh, my gosh.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You're the godfather to my son, My Speed Force.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations, by the way.

[Dirk Thirsty]

And this bond will never break. So welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a shame that your Speed Force son has to stay in the Speed Force while you're here, but his Speed.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Force mama got Speed Force custody.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I'm so sorry that you guys broke up, by the way.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What's your Speed Force son's name?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Speed Force Fright.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Okay, putting that down.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm writing that down. I will be talking about that.

[Emily Grandchildren]

And what is Speed Force? Frank's mother's name.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, her name is too long to pronounce.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, it takes just like a couple of seconds in the Speed Force, but here we'll give you extra.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Time to pronounce it.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yes, go ahead.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, we don't. I mean, it would take six months to say the whole thing.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, say the first second of it.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm gonna take you through the Speed Force and say it. Ready? All right, we back.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long were you guys gone?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I feel completely changed forever by the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Way my heart feels. Rudy, you went through the Speed Force without me.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, I did have to just tell him the name. It was like Jerk. Are you all right? So it's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was only six or seven minutes.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Hold on a second. I think Jerk is having a hard.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

My heart feels like a rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's normal. Wait, you just farted.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Never mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're fine.

[Rudy North]

We good?

[Emily Grandchildren]

We good?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Also, Kiwi Chris is here.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, like Dora the Explorer, but Kiswal.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good description of you. We need to get to our next guest. Oh, this is interesting. I don't have any information about them other than their name, but please welcome to the show. Andre P. Neuer.

[Andre P. Neuer]

How you doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Andre.

[Andre P. Neuer]

How are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm good. How are you?

[Andre P. Neuer]

I'm good. Call me by my full name, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Andre P. Newer.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes. My mother didn't name me Entre P. Neuwer for nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, Okay. I beg your pardon. I guess it's a customer in human beings to only call someone by half their name.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, I'm not like other human beings. I'm an entre pinua.

[Scott Aukerman]

This must have come up so many times in your life. I'm not sure why you're so upset about it right now.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Because I'm hot. All right. I'm hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're coming in hot here.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I'm coming in hot. It's hot outside. I'm hot inside.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. It's so nice to meet you. I'm Scott. I'm the host of the show. We've never met before.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Scott, last name of the lyrics.

[Scott Aukerman]

I beg your pardon? Scott David Aukerman.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Scott David Aukerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good to meet you. Okay. This is Kiwi Chris. I believe that's. That's his full name.

[Rudy North]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good taste. Rudy North. Of course. I know that's his full name. Great.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It's rudimentary. North.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudimentary.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I believe you forgot that. It's okay. It's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, but it was 18 years ago. You just reminded that never came up in the last 18 years.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Sorry. Entre. How you doing, man?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Excuse me.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Who you talking about? I'm good, I'm good. And who are these two?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Dirk. Thirsty?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I'm Dirk.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Emily. Grandchildren. They're from corporate. They work for RC Cola.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We're here to monitor the show and we're going to report back on what we hear.

[Andre P. Neuer]

You work for corporate, you say? Okay. Are you looking to invest in some businesses?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sorry. They just sneezed.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Sneeze a leaf blower for a second.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Sorry. Please ask your question again.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Are you interested in looking to purchase some businesses? Are you interested in looking to purchase some businesses?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We are interested in looking to purchase some businesses.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Businesses, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So what would the first step.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, we're going to think about looking.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We think about looking. We're interested in that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you. Have you thought past that or is that.

[Emily Grandchildren]

No, not yet. We're at the beginning stage.

[Dirk Thirsty]

There are a lot of places. So you have to like, get all those places.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get all your ducks.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I have a great business I would love for you to consider thinking about investing in.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh.

[Andre P. Neuer]

It is a platform for people to interact with one and another.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ooh.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like on the Internet. A social media platform, you mean?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Or you never seen nothing like it before? It is. You can put photographs. Captions as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put photographs where?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Sounds like Instagram or a scrapbook.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Does Instagram include captions?

[Andre P. Neuer]

I've heard that a few times. It sounds like. But these are old photos. So old they're not eligible for Instagram's Throwback Thursday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, I forget what the cutoff point is. What is the cutoff year for Throwback Thursday?

[Andre P. Neuer]

If your photo is older than 40 years, you can't put up there for Throwback Thursday.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's in the terms of service. I forgot.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I can't get my baby picture to stay.

[Rudy North]

Never seen a TBT from civil rights era, huh?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes, whatever he just said. Sure. Are you interested in looking to invest?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We're interested in thinking about.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't tell. Is it. Is it on the Internet? Is this social media platform or is it a literal platform?

[Andre P. Neuer]

You go on. I don't know the answer to your question, Scott. David, I'll come in, but you go on, on to the web.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are we talking about a spider web or are we talking about the actual world?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Get On a spider web.

[Andre P. Neuer]

That's something.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Will it be any spider webs or is it a specific one?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, now you're putting words into my mouth. You can have whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please put words into your mouth. That helps us make sense of this.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Words come out of my mouth. They don't go back in.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your mouth is exit only.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Can you understand the words that are.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Coming out of my mouth? Why don't nobody understand coming in the words coming out of your mouth?

[Rudy North]

Can you say. Almost nobody understands the words coming at them.

[Scott Aukerman]

My man Rudy. What movie is that from?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Uh, what.

[Scott Aukerman]

What movie is that? That's obviously a movie reference.

[Andre P. Neuer]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

You saw another movie without me.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay, I saw Rush Hour. Right? Is that it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Rush Hour.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Rush Hour two.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Rush Hour two.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I have an idea for this. I think they did it as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're moving on from this platform.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, y'all don't seem to understand.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, well, you were describing. You were describing something that already.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, no. You telling me that there's a platform where you could put photos that are older. Older than 40 years old? Multiple name one.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Facebook.

[Andre P. Neuer]

He's going down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay. Do you know something that we know?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Okay.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Mark Zuckerberg is going down with the government. Please use his full name, Mark Anthony Zuckerberg.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, what is the. What does the P. What does the P stand for in your name? And why aren't you insisting I use that? It is just P. Oh, it's just. Oh, it's P, E, E. It's a Homer J situation. Like that famous tape.

[Andre P. Neuer]

It's P, P, E, E, capital E. The last one is a capital E.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's bookended by some capitals.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

The pee tape film.

[Dirk Thirsty]

So you're. You're pitching. So you're saying Facebook's going down, so you're pitching a replacement to that?

[Andre P. Neuer]

No, it's not a replacement. What I do is overdo. Original.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Say that again.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Original.

[Scott Aukerman]

So people will not do the same things they did on Facebook. They will do totally separate things.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

This will not be a substitute for Facebook.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Andre P. Neuer]

People will talk to their parents. People will accept friend requests from their grandparents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask you a question? Entre. P. Newer. Have you ever been on Facebook?

[Andre P. Neuer]

I've seen it from a distance, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

How far of a distance?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Like a football field at a coffee shop. Over. Your young man who. I spoke to him. He said he was a writer, but he spent the whole time on Facebook.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's pretty common here in Los Angeles.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

One of the features of your website is I can accept a friend request from my grandparents.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Precisely.

[Dirk Thirsty]

And you put that in a pitch.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're pitching it.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Precisely.

[Emily Grandchildren]

And you can also.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the second thing in your pitch. If you're not front loading.

[Andre P. Neuer]

If you're not looking to invest in my product. I have other products.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Tell us your idea for the movie.

[Andre P. Neuer]

A black and an Asian Man. A black period and an Asian Man 2.

[Scott Aukerman]

So first sentence.

[Andre P. Neuer]

A black, a black period. That's subject, predicate, verb, all of it. Okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yep.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes. Hand in hand and an Asian man. They're police.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Okay. And they're going to.

[Scott Aukerman]

And can I ask, does someone not understand words that are coming out of someone's mouth?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

And is it a sequel?

[Andre P. Neuer]

No, it's called Hush Hour.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Because the other person.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Now, hold up.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Have you seen a quieter place?

[Scott Aukerman]

I've seen a quiet place.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I don't know what that is, but A quieter place is a movie about a family and they are in. I feel like I'm in church. Thank you for that.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Pitch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Church pitch.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, bitch on.

[Rudy North]

Let the spirit of the preacher get inside you now.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I feel the pitch coming inside me.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes, Lord, use me, God. Okay, the pitch for a quieter place. A family in a sound studio. 1. The father is trying to record a mixer tape.

[Scott Aukerman]

A mixer tape.

[Emily Grandchildren]

He wants to record his mixer.

[Rudy North]

This actually genuinely sounds. Sounds like a cool, original idea.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Thank you.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Wait, why am I talking like this?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Now?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

See, it rubs off on you, don't it?

[Rudy North]

Sorry, it's pretty cockly, eh?

[Andre P. Neuer]

My time is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your time is of the essence, of the Ebony.

[Andre P. Neuer]

That's my magazine. That's my magazine of choice.

[Rudy North]

Can we back up a quick bit? I have a question about. Yeah, Russia Hour.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Sure. Hush Hour.

[Rudy North]

Hush Hour. Can the Chinese guy touch the bleak guy's radio or. No, wait, he.

[Andre P. Neuer]

The Chinese man don't have no hands in this one. Oh, he so. In fact, he can't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why is he Chinese? Why did you assume he's Chinese?

[Rudy North]

I'm from New Zealand. It's the only Asian folks we have there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, she just said Asian.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I did just say Asian. But I appreciate your help. Australian, Kiwi.

[Rudy North]

Big difference.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Kiwi.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, but that's exactly what you just did with Chinese and Asians.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I was trying to make a point. Do you see?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, very good. Entre p? Neur.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Thank you very much.

[Rudy North]

Point received.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, if y'all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does anyone just like Dirk's beard here?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Point received.

[Scott Aukerman]

The end of it.

[Andre P. Neuer]

What did you just put in your coat?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

My beard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. As you can see, Dirk's rainbow colored beard comes to a point at the end of it.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, I see.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

As you can see.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Does anyone have any interest in considering these businesses for funding?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's move on to a different business.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Because I'm not sure about interest in considering that.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We're looking to be interested in considering this.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We are looking, looking, looking.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Look, look, look, look, look, look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stop drinking.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I have a chicken.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I might be.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I might be interested in a more original idea. Some of these ideas sound fun, but they're a little different.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're a little.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yeah, I didn't want to do this on this podcast, but.

[Dirk Thirsty]

All right.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I didn't want to out this idea because I don't have the patent just yet. It is pending.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pending. Okay. Well, that's good though, that it's pending because can swoop in there. I've never heard of something patent pending that someone was like, got in there, you know, a little earlier.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, this one is. This is gonna be my claim to fame.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I can't wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Andre P. Neuer]

A rectangular shaped object with four to five seats inside of it. A wheel in front of one seat.

[Scott Aukerman]

A wheel in front of one seat. Look, you're describing a car right now.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Poorly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on, hold on.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Poorly describing a car.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

What does it do?

[Scott Aukerman]

What does it do?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

What is it about?

[Emily Grandchildren]

What is this about?

[Andre P. Neuer]

It? The person. Somebody will sit in the car.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, everyone. You just said car. You pitched a car. You know what a car is. You're just copying.

[Andre P. Neuer]

No, the devil done got inside me. You said Carl, you said car. And you planted a seed of doubt in my mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

I beg your pardon? I'm sorry, I don't mean to get.

[Andre P. Neuer]

In your head to my stomach.

[Rudy North]

Until you said Carl, I genuinely thought you were describing a table, but with like a spinning wheel on one end.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, tables are trapezoids.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I thought it was one of those. One of those theme parks rides that's in the water where there's a big wheel and you sit or spin it. Yes. And you.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, this is the problem with pitching your ideas is that people have already fig tried to determine what it is you're pitching before letting you get to the end. You thought it was a car, you thought it was a table, you thought it was an amusement park or rider.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's true. But as the immortal bard once said, there's nothing new under the sun. Maybe every idea.

[Andre P. Neuer]

The Bible says that as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Andre P. Neuer]

In Ecclesiastes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did Shakespeare rip off the Bible?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes, he did. Everybody's ripping off the Bible every chance they gave.

[Rudy North]

Chicken of the egg.

[Andre P. Neuer]

What came first? Jesus or part of the Bible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Ask yourself that. That being said, Jesus. Okay, well, that's up to you. Clear to me. The devil is using you.

[Rudy North]

Sir, sir, can I say I've got a lot of gold from my travels and I'm looking to invest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. He's very rich. He's so rich. He stays at hostels.

[Rudy North]

I stay in hostels. I don't have at home.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Okay.

[Rudy North]

I live in hostels.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Okay.

[Rudy North]

So I've got this big of gold right here. Right. They're like doubloons.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you've taken this from ancient civilizations?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, this is from my time in. In. In Bibylon, right?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yeah, in Babylon. Okay. You ever read about Babylon in the Bible?

[Rudy North]

Well, you know. No. No.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You haven't read the Bible?

[Rudy North]

I haven't read it because I went back to when it was being written and I was like, let me get in here.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just saw it for yourself.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Okay. Okay. So what are you presenting purposedly to me?

[Rudy North]

Well, I'm saying that he is. I just want to double my money so I can continue to live in hostels. So here's a bag of gold. What would you do with him?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What's his return on? You know, can he get two bags of gold for whatever idea you have?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, the people that I invest, who invest in me, I should say, are taking a leap of faith that I will.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean Kiwi takes a lot of.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes, it was me.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, Kiwi, Kris takes a lot of leaps.

[Rudy North]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Backwards and forwards.

[Rudy North]

Aren't tripping. Fall into a leap of faith.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Okay, well here's the thing. You can't ask me. Ask not what I can do for you. Just ask me what I can do with your money.

[Rudy North]

Right, that's what I'm asking you. What can you do with my money?

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems like you're stalling. Entre p? Noir.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I have ideas for days. Be ye not mistook, I have ideas for days.

[Scott Aukerman]

You seem like a very religious person. Are you?

[Andre P. Neuer]

No, I'm not into religion. Not my cup of tea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not your thing. You're agnostic.

[Andre P. Neuer]

In fact, I'm atheist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Okay. You definitively know the Lord does use this atheist.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I know for a fact. That being said.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you believe in the devil?

[Andre P. Neuer]

I do. The devil is active. The devil is active.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What a shame that we just got the one and we didn't get the other. We just got the devil.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Pure evil. Pure evil. That's it. Let Me tell you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Look, this is what I do with your money. Kiwi Christopher. I will.

[Rudy North]

It's not my name, but okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Kiwi stuffer Chris, right?

[Rudy North]

That's my full name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kiwi kiwisifer. Kiwistopher.

[Andre P. Neuer]

So y'all are telling me some of these things exist already? For instance, Akara.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Heavily established at this point. Everything you've pitched exists.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Fantastic. How in these times, these dark times, the end times, do we. Before what happens before Satan comes back.

[Scott Aukerman]

But there's no religion. Nothing happens after that.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Nothing.

[Rudy North]

Also, where is he right now?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, he is in San Antonio, Texas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, just comes back to la.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Satan is a big fan of tacos, let me tell you. I had. Anyway, that's neither here nor is it there.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't have time to get into that much like Rudy's backstory.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I want to get this gold.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Andre P. Neuer]

What I want you saying cars already exist, you said. I'll take your word for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, thank you.

[Andre P. Neuer]

If that is the case that a car is already a thing, I would like to create a place where one can go to fuel said thing. So there's an establishment. It's kind of like a recipe rectangle.

[Rudy North]

Could it be a trip?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you start with the rectangle? Usually with all your ideas, life is.

[Andre P. Neuer]

A bunch of rectangles. Look around in the studio, there are several rectangles. In here, your body is a rectangle.

[Emily Grandchildren]

The John Mayor song.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Body is a rectangle.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, I love that.

[Rudy North]

Lose my hair.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Hey, Scott, can I talk.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Hey, Scott, can I talk to you over here for a second?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Rudy. You guys. Yeah. What's up, buddy?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Scott, what's going on? There's this big. There's a big old bag of gold in a room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I know.

[Dirk Thirsty]

And my. My dirt bag senses are going off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please don't punch anyone in the throat.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Throat punch. I want to throw punch all these people. I want to.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I want to take.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I want to throw punch everyone in the room and I want to take the gold.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, no. You don't have to throw punch anyone.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm a dirtbag, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know you are, but you. You could just move really fast. You have the powers of the Flash. You could just steal it without throw punching anymore.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Qui. Christopher, might I take a moment with you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Key Westopher.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Chris Keywistopher, Can I take a moment with you in the corner here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Rudy North]

Yeah.

[Andre P. Neuer]

They plan to steal your gold. They plan to steal your gold. Why don't you just. People are evil. The devil is acting. Look, why don't you just give it to me. I will keep it for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kiwistopher. She's trying to get you to invest in a gas station. It already exists.

[Andre P. Neuer]

No, listen to me. Hear me out. I didn't want to tell them this. I've never invented anything in my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

We figured it out. We knew. We knew how to.

[Andre P. Neuer]

What? I don't want them to know. But you said.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why didn't you take all of our mics?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Get my mic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me the shit. Give me the shit. Give it a Crazy.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Taking my bike.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I just wanted to check it for the technology Inside of hensworth4 2.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't steal this idea.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You can't invent microphones.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yeah, well, things are getting out of control here. I'm taking notes on this. You know, I'm a little worried about your show.

[Emily Grandchildren]

This isn't looking. This isn't looking good. Well, look, guys, I started to do your accent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys, look, look, Rudy, don't throw a punch, anyone. Don't steal any gold. We have one guest to get to. I really need to win over corporate, okay? And I think this guest is. I mean, I just want to have a nice, pleasant talk show here. We've been doing this show for nine years. It seems like I've never done just a normal episode other than maybe the Seth Rogen episode in that Marc Maron episode. But, you know, I just want to have a nice. Scott.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You know what? You're right. I'm gonna get out of your way. I want everyone in this room to get out of Scott's way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be supportive. Be supportive.

[Dirk Thirsty]

This next interview is gonna be a tense book comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just want to have a nice, pleasant, light conversation. Okay, let's get to our next guest. Engineer Brett's handing me our next guest and. Oh, no.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Our next guest. Who is it?

[Emily Grandchildren]

James Corden.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Who is it? Jim's Kimmel.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not that bad.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Is it Jim's Kimmel?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Is it James Fallon? James Kimmel or James Corden?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's. This person recently died.

[Rudy North]

Craig Ferguson.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Craig Ferguson. Still with us.

[Dirk Thirsty]

What did I just say about the interview?

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome back to the show Charlie Manson. Oh, no. Serial killer Charlie Manson.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is. The famous movie.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It is.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, no.

[Charlie Manson]

Hello, Scott.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Fucking ghost in here, man.

[Charlie Manson]

Yes, I know you're an immortal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you so surprised by things like this?

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's a g. G Ghost.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Charlie Manson]

I have to say, it really hurts my feelings to float into a room and have everybody say, oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Charlie Manson. I mean, you were only on the show one time.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it was very quickly after you had died.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah, I died basically immediately.

[Scott Aukerman]

Almost as if we had recorded it before you died and then had to.

[Charlie Manson]

Release it after I died.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. So there was a lot of confusion there. But now you have died. You are a ghost.

[Charlie Manson]

I am definitively a ghost now. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And what are you doing here?

[Charlie Manson]

Well, you know, last time I was here, I was going through my bucket list because I was about to die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You had set up your mop. You had carved a swastika into my mop. Do a mop in order to destroy.

[Charlie Manson]

Up to my forehead. Everybody said, that's old Charlie Manson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Classic switcheroo.

[Charlie Manson]

It was a classic switcheroo.

[Scott Aukerman]

No throw punches, but a classic switcheroo nonetheless.

[Charlie Manson]

And no, I don't punch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Throw, punch.

[Charlie Manson]

Excuse me.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Sorry.

[Charlie Manson]

Go ahead. And, boy, I thought once I turned into a ghost, I would be home free, but I have so many obligations. I've got so much on tv.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Would I tell you the devil is acting?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Are you trapped on this earth until you complete some of your business?

[Charlie Manson]

You bet I am. I have to walk around this earth until I finish my business. And one of my big points of business was going on a podcast for.

[Scott Aukerman]

The second time to clear up all of the confusion.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah, I've been on a couple podcasts once, but I've never been asked back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Charlie Manson]

I did a Doughboys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you did?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, it was an Arby's.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Arby's.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Arby's tight.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah, it was. I had never been to an Arby's.

[Rudy North]

I hood on this American Life.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah, Yeah, I told a story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like you've been on a lot of podcasts.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I heard you on Savage Love, talking about your relationship issues.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you should have been on Serial, the original podcast.

[Charlie Manson]

I tried and they wouldn't let me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that why you killed all those people? To get on cereal before it was around?

[Charlie Manson]

I thought it would really be helpful. I was like, oh, I know. One day a baby. There's a baby called Sarah Koenig, and one day she's going to be a Cracker Jack crime reporter.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Charlie. Charlie. I feel like I have to jump in here. To be fair to Charlie, he never killed anyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true, I guess.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Stop throwing around accusations.

[Scott Aukerman]

But they found him culpable and they put it. They locked him away.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's different, though, isn't it?

[Scott Aukerman]

In the eyes of the law?

[Emily Grandchildren]

What do you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

In whose eyes are you talking?

[Emily Grandchildren]

You never actually killed anything. I think that. I think that deserves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you an apologist for Charlie Manson?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I don't want. Well, I mean, what Charlie.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you are someone who saw some. Who saw their parents murdered right in front of them.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Exactly. And I remember. And so I know the difference. When someone is killing someone and when they're not. And so there are a lot of people standing around when my parents were murdered. I can't. I'd love to say that they killed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, but did they give the orders?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes, but that's not the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those people aren't responsible.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Listen, I remember when Charlie died. There are a lot of people on Twitter. And I was so glad to see this. Very quick to. Charles Manson never actually killed anyone. And I thought it was great they were making that. I love Twitter.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your handle?

[Emily Grandchildren]

EmilyGrandchildren won.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, someone got there ahead of me. Make sure to look you up. So it seems like you would have way more important things to do, Charlie. I mean, you know, there's Roman Polanski. There's the, you know, the.

[Charlie Manson]

What about him?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Didn't he have something to do with all this?

[Charlie Manson]

I finished. That's all business. I finished, finished. I've done.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You seem to have a very poor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Grasp on what happened back then.

[Charlie Manson]

There's Roman Polanski.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, I never read Helter Skelter because I had a roommate who kept it in a trunk in his closet with a lot of other Charles Manson memorabilia.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Why did they make it that. That was the only way we could find out about that story. They just. They confined it to that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, I didn't look up the Wikipede. Wikipedia, Wikipedia.

[Charlie Manson]

I don't. Wikipedia is irresponsible. I wouldn't recommend it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you came back here to be on the show and. Okay, well, thank you.

[Charlie Manson]

Well, thank you. You're the only one who would let me back. But I can't stay long. I'm very busy. I gotta do so many other things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, bye. By the way, the only reason you were able to get in here, I didn't have you back. It's this open door policy that you.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Guys were talking about. She didn't really come in. I mean, he didn't really come in through the door.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I mean, I came in through the door.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, but. But Manson just sort of phased through it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. If we close this door for the 10th year and beyond, I mean, how is this gonna affect ghosts? And then also people like Rudy who can phase through things.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I got the powers of the Flash.

[Charlie Manson]

You'll get. You should have. I mean, you would have all ghosts. Which I think would be a terrific lineup. Better than usual, since you wouldn't have me here.

[Andre P. Neuer]

You wouldn't have me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're very much alive.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, no, no, no. I don't do ghosts.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't think you're gonna turn into a ghost when you die?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, no, honey.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Are you afraid right now?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Shooketh? Call me.

[Charlie Manson]

Well, not everybody gets to turn into a ghost when you die. I don't know if any of you know this. Cause none of you are dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Entrez P? Nour thinks that nothing happens after we die other than turning into a ghost if you're a certain type of person.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, and I can't die, so.

[Charlie Manson]

Well, what happens is you go to heaven and you get a choice. You can be a ghost, a skeleton, or a lizard.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wait, you can skeleton or lizard.

[Charlie Manson]

All different, all scary. Lizard.

[Rudy North]

Lizard. Big old lizard.

[Charlie Manson]

Well, a small one. Not a big one. No, I'm not talking iguana. I'm not talking monitor. Lizard.

[Emily Grandchildren]

No, the little ghost.

[Charlie Manson]

I'm not even a gecko. I'm a dry desert lizard.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

But you went to heaven.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah, everybody. It's a misnomer. Everybody goes. Yeah, everybody. Everybody goes. But not everybody stays.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Charles, I have a question.

[Charlie Manson]

Oh, sure.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Emily Grandchildren are C Cola.

[Scott Aukerman]

Emily grandchildren. One on Twitter.

[Charlie Manson]

So I hate when people take the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give him a follow. Are you Team Follow Back?

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm Team Follow back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Emily Grandchildren]

When you say one of the choices is skeleton.

[Charlie Manson]

Sure.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Is it an animated skeleton that walks around, or is it just a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mean the skeleton that goes into the earth that everyone.

[Charlie Manson]

Not a Halloween skeleton.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, spooky. Like something. Like something a teacher puts up on a bulletin board.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah, which could be fun if you get put in a good place.

[Rudy North]

You're not like one of those dancer. Now you're skeleton.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You do one of those jigs or like doing the kick lines with other skeletons.

[Charlie Manson]

Well, only if someone holds you up and makes you dance. Or if you're lucky enough to be battery operated.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can someone take your. Can someone take your bones and then pound on your skull? Almost like, you know, and it sounds like a xylophone.

[Charlie Manson]

Unfortunately, people can do whatever they please.

[Rudy North]

God.

[Charlie Manson]

Exactly. Someone can do any kind of Little Mermaid situation. So now you can see why I opted not to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, because you have no longer have agency over your own body.

[Charlie Manson]

No, you don't.

[Emily Grandchildren]

But you're sentient. You're aware that all these things are happening.

[Charlie Manson]

You can see and feel and everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cannot communicate.

[Charlie Manson]

No, you can only communicate if again, you're lucky enough to be battery operated and you can say woo or chatter. You know, some skeletons say keep out.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Charles, could I ask.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Who would choose that option?

[Rudy North]

That seems nice to me. I think I might be their guy.

[Charlie Manson]

Skeleton healing killer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Helen Keller is skeleton. Well, she can see now. Finally.

[Rudy North]

Well, can she hear?

[Charlie Manson]

Skeletons don't have eyes, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

But wait, I thought that you said.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

It was pleasant to look at Helen Keller being a skeleton.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my gosh.

[Dirk Thirsty]

We finally.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what it's about.

[Charlie Manson]

That is certainly what it's about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is.

[Charlie Manson]

I mean, President Roosevelt a skeleton.

[Scott Aukerman]

Andre P. Nour, I don't know if this is shaking your very belief system.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I mean, well, what did I tell you I was before?

[Scott Aukerman]

You were an atheist. Who didn't?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Shukth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shukath. Right.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Shooketh Atheist, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I had to pick between Shukath and atheist and I picked atheist. It was a 50. 50 chance. I. You gotta give it to me.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Sure, sure. I like that. You know, Matha. So now that I'm here in the presence of a ghoster, I would like to ask a question or two, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

The floor is yours.

[Andre P. Neuer]

When you got to heaven, what did you see? You claim you saw?

[Charlie Manson]

It was wonderfully lit. It looked like a very bright. It looked like the big IKEA in Burbank.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Lit.

[Andre P. Neuer]

It was lit.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Lit. Lit as hell.

[Charlie Manson]

Not lit like fun. Lit like.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was not fun.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It wasn't fun.

[Charlie Manson]

No, it wasn't fun at all.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'll say IKEA and Burbeck is lit as hell.

[Scott Aukerman]

IKEA and Burbank is fun. She's super.

[Rudy North]

Elliot.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Good time there.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so fun to be there.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, yeah, I'm. You know, if I. If. If what Charles says is true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Andre P. Neuer]

And I.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Let's take.

[Scott Aukerman]

Take him at his word though, because.

[Andre P. Neuer]

A killer, trust me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that is true.

[Charlie Manson]

I'm a delegator. I'm not a killer. I'm a terrific manager.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Charles, you're like a project manager.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Charlie Manson]

Yeah. Creative director, perhaps.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Creative director, you say? Have you ever started a business?

[Charlie Manson]

It's one of my elements of unfinished businesses. I never started a business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, this is perfect.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Do you have money?

[Charlie Manson]

I have ghost dollars. Ghost money. Which is all bats.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Ghost money. What's the exchange rate with Speed Force money and ghost. Those money.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what's the exchange rate with pretzels as well?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Because.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we need to.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

How many pretzels is it?

[Charlie Manson]

How many? One bat is 10 pretzels.

[Scott Aukerman]

10 pretzels.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

That's a good price.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, this is not bad. Okay.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Have y'all ever seen that comedy special when a man says, these pretzels are making me thirst?

[Scott Aukerman]

Actually, I believe we talked Funny.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

You should mention it is funny, because actually, Emily's husband loves to do that.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's true. My husband. Than Stephen King.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

He has to say that he wishes he was funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

He wishes he was Seinfeld.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, who?

[Scott Aukerman]

Stephen King wishes he was funny.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Canon.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Sure, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's definitely canon.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Sure.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, it's on the Wikipedia.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I have an idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you got an idea, Wikipedia.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I do have an idea, and I think it looks like y'all are fans of pretzels around here. That seem to have gotten you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, definitely.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Been mentioned many times.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I think we should maybe consider if anyone has the money for such an idea. Pretzels with a substance. A peanut butter inside of the pretzel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Like peanut butter pretzels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You're not even describing a high.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Like, it's not even a cool, good business.

[Charlie Manson]

I think it sounds like a terrific idea. I'll give you 400,000 baths.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Your money is useless to me.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

400,000 bats is 10 times that in pretzels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that is. That's 4 million pretzels.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Actually, you can use those pretzels to start your pretzels.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if you have a contract like mine, that's $4 million.

[Andre P. Neuer]

What? Okay, I'm asking.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was supposed to be paid.

[Charlie Manson]

You can make thirsty with that many pretzels.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Then maybe I'll create a clear substance that people can drink.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a clear. Oh, peanut butter. I was gonna say. Cause I'm interested in a clear peanut butter.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Peanut butter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a gel over your face. Yeah. So it looks like the gel that you. You know, when you're getting, like, an ultrasound.

[Charlie Manson]

God, it already exists. Ghost peanut butter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ghost peanut butter.

[Charlie Manson]

All I can get is. I can't tell you how much. I just want brown peanut butter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, this is terrible.

[Charlie Manson]

Just chowing down on the clear peanut butter.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I want to chow down on.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I hate when it's tanned.

[Charlie Manson]

I just want a good spoonful of brown pee pee. God damn it.

[Emily Grandchildren]

You want to go to Brown Town and chow down?

[Charlie Manson]

See, these are the only people the stupid.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Don't. No, don't be. Be ye not mistook. They talking about eating eggs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shut up, entrepreneur.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'm kidding. Comedy Bang Bang got back on track for the last interview.

[Andre P. Neuer]

They talking about eating ass. Scott David Aan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Andre P. Newer.

[Andre P. Neuer]

You said you have $4 million per episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no, I'm saying that if you get 4 million bats, you can. If you have my. My particular contract, which is I get paid in dollars instead of pretzels. It was a mistake.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I know. It's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, we're not bringing it back to how much money I make.

[Andre P. Neuer]

How much per episode. Have you considered possibly thinking about it? Invested in a business?

[Scott Aukerman]

Kwistopher is the one with all the money.

[Rudy North]

Heck, nobody wants my gold.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I can't do that.

[Rudy North]

What is it about me?

[Dirk Thirsty]

I want your gold.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Throat punch.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, God. Oh, sorry. I throat punched right through jaws.

[Rudy North]

Man, you punched me in the dick.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, that was your dick?

[Rudy North]

Yeah, my dick is throat level. I'm very tall.

[Andre P. Neuer]

He is very tall.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I don't know why I did that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudy, you took the gold. The gold is gone. Now you put it into the Speed Force.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, my dirtbag instincts kicked in fine.

[Rudy North]

I've got a whole big old room full of it at home like Scrooge McDuck.

[Andre P. Neuer]

You gotta exchange that for cash.

[Rudy North]

For kish.

[Andre P. Neuer]

For cash. Because you want to be able to make it rain and thunderstorm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you just pitching a gold for cash business now?

[Rudy North]

Kish for gold. Gold for kish.

[Andre P. Neuer]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Andre P. Neuer]

No. But I do have one last idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

One last. Okay, one more and. We're running out of time now, Lord.

[Andre P. Neuer]

And by lord, I mean Satan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Do you want Satan to take you.

[Andre P. Neuer]

If this don't work out? Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. What's the last idea?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Everyone gets a paycheck, correct?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Rudy North]

If you're employed, I find gold.

[Emily Grandchildren]

If you Exactly.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Sure. Count that as check.

[Charlie Manson]

I get a check from the government?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What?

[Charlie Manson]

All ghosts get a check from the government?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Is that.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I didn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's one of those hard tax dollars go entitlement programs.

[Charlie Manson]

We got a cutting tax that's not a bucks.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Charles, if you don't mind my asking, you're a Republican. How much do you get?

[Scott Aukerman]

This never came up.

[Charlie Manson]

Well, if I gotta convert it from. I get 2,000 bats, which is $400 a month.

[Dirk Thirsty]

That is insane.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I mean, for a ghost, that's a lot of money.

[Charlie Manson]

Yes, well, my right. You have to buy junk food with it. No. Cause ghosts have. There's rules about what ghosts can eat.

[Scott Aukerman]

You gotta buy fruit.

[Charlie Manson]

You gotta buy fruit. Clear peanut butter. And you can only eat between 2am and 3am oh, you wouldn't believe the rules, imp.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man, it almost makes me want to be a lizard.

[Charlie Manson]

Well, that's What I'm saying, I thought for sure lizard went to the bottom of the list. I said, no way am I being a lizard. I want my eyes in the front of my head.

[Scott Aukerman]

Helter Skelter isn't at the bottom of the list being a skeleton.

[Charlie Manson]

No skeleton. See, I had to learn more about the skeleton deal before I said, no, thank you. I was in the office for a good two and a half hours before I made my choice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Rudy North]

Business, though.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Thank you for. Thank you, Kiwi. Chris. Chris. Whatever the hell your name for. For redirecting, because this is it. You. Everyone gets a paycheck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone gets a paycheck.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Everyone gets a paycheck.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I don't trust the government. Raise your hand if you don't trust the government. That's every hand raised. Thank you. So great.

[Scott Aukerman]

We did it silently.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Y'all all wear. My hand was already quiet clothing, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

So are you. Are you just. Is the invention Quiet Clothing?

[Andre P. Neuer]

No, I don't. What is that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on. You want people to hear when you approach?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Otherwise, muggers would be.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I'm a. I'm not scared of no mugger. I ain't got no money for a mugger.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, if. If you sell this business, you will.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, hear me out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Deal.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Is that a deal?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm not. Mind your business.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Oh, you spoke too soon.

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn it.

[Charlie Manson]

You just committed yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did I buy? What did I buy?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Okay. It's a business. It's a service where you can bring your paychecks and people will give you cash in return.

[Scott Aukerman]

Check cashing place. What check cashing place? I just invested in a check or a bank. Which is it?

[Rudy North]

Why was your first thought and not bank?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Because I don't trust banks. And Mr. Scott Davis. David Hawkman, was listening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so it is a check cashing place.

[Andre P. Neuer]

All right? I don't know what that is, Scott, but I can only say that it's.

[Emily Grandchildren]

A place where you get checks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cash.

[Charlie Manson]

I want to talk about the quiet clothes because I have to wear regular clothes from the world, and everybody gets frightened because of how loud my clothes are inside my invisible clothes.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, then you need to talk to my brother because I'm not investing in quite close. Talk to my brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's your brother?

[Charlie Manson]

Who's.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Appetizer P. Noa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Appetizer.

[Charlie Manson]

Appetizer.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Appetizer. He has a pee middle name as well.

[Rudy North]

Can I also use quiet clothes? Because you know when you're sleeping in a hostel with, like, 10 people, but you got to get up to take a bathroom Break. Right.

[Andre P. Neuer]

What is a bathroom?

[Scott Aukerman]

Bathroom? Wait, you don't even know what a bathroom is?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Well, what the hell did he say bathroom? A bikram yoga.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yeah.

[Rudy North]

Yeah. Okay, when you get up from a hospital and from the hospital.

[Scott Aukerman]

A horse.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Are you sick?

[Charlie Manson]

Are you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you. Are you.

[Charlie Manson]

Do you live in hospitals?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Are you sick?

[Scott Aukerman]

Kristen, look, I think it's falling apart right now. We're running out of time.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

That's how you wrap it up. Okay, Taking a note.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, so it's falling apart.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We're not wrapped.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're not wrapped up yet. We just have one final feature on the show. It's a little something called plugs. I like plugs. And plugs like me, they come at.

[Rudy North]

The end of cbb.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plugs are my favorite part of the show. Plugs tell me everything I need to know.

[Emily Grandchildren]

And out.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your shows, your gigs.

[Dirk Thirsty]

What will you do?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Perform, Record and out.

[Dirk Thirsty]

No, mix your tweet the latest projects from you. Now the chorus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy. Oh, hey, it tricked us. Now the chorus. And it was out.

[Dirk Thirsty]

And then it's over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. That was right up my alley. That was Plugs Like Me by Scott X. Watkins. Thank you for providing your full name. Montre P. Newer is probably very happy about that. Scott.

[Andre P. Neuer]

I love that he did that. And that was a fantastic tune.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. All right, so what do we want to plug here, Guy? Guys, obviously it's the last day of April, the beginning of May. What. What do we want to play?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, you do a show and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'm doing it right now.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yeah, I know. And we've been listening for our job. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Because we also have to listen behind the paywall.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, yes, we have to listen to other shows behind the paywall.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're listening to every show that I do. Yes.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

And we listen to your show three dumb. And we like it very much.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three now. That one.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

That one. So clear.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Closed door policy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, closed door policy. That's the show that I do with comedians Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkis, where it's just the three of us. We don't have guests, There are no characters. That's on Stitcher Premium. That show.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Yes. And I like the show raised by TV, which is a very funny show about old TV shows and it's free for everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like old TV shows? You're a 48 year old man.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I like to hear what 32 year olds like.

[Scott Aukerman]

And one 48 year old.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yeah.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

One time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Okay. So people can check out Threedom by going to stitcherpremium.com threedom and entering the code Threedom for a full month for free of Stitcher Premium. Is that right?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Speaking of free.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Emily Grandchildren]

There's a podcast called Spontanea Nation that I've personally been monitoring.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Emily Grandchildren]

That's completely free every Monday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Could you give me the oral report on that?

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's just a good time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. That's the extent of it.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Well, Emily usually writes her reports.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

She wasn't able to be.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm not good with oral.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Do you know what I mean?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

She's kidding, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, Steven would not. Stephen would not be happy with you coming on to me, so.

[Emily Grandchildren]

So you didn't know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I didn't. Spontaneous. Raised by TV Freedom. These are all good other that you can listen to, so please check those out. All right, let's see. Rudy, what do you want to plug?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Well, I want to plug our friendship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, man, I love you. I love you, man. I'm sorry. I know. I mean, you're closer than a brother to me. You're like my.

[Emily Grandchildren]

What does that mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess like a spouse.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Like a spouse. Like we married.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Scott, I do want to play.

[Scott Aukerman]

I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry. Situation.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah. And I've pronounced you Scott and Rudy. That could be a podcast. I'll pronounce you Scott and Rudy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott and Rudy. Hey, why not talk to the stitcher people? Hey, you know those people.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Okay. I do want to plug a podcast called Hollywood Handbook.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? No, they were here at the beginning.

[Dirk Thirsty]

These two dirtbags do a show.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's a lost cause.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Hollywood Handbook.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the pro version. Yeah. It's not. It's not. All right, man.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I think it's a good podcast. It's my favorite Wolf podcast.

[Emily Grandchildren]

It's our favorite in the main office.

[Dirk Thirsty]

It is, right?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Yes.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Hollywood Handbook.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Tuesday Loves Hollywood Handbook. Yes. That show will never be canceled.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never. All right. All right. So Hollywood Handbook. Nothing else?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Nope. That's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Kiwistopher, what do you want to play?

[Rudy North]

Yeah. I'd like to also plug a podcast called Womp It Up.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pretty good. Jesus Christ.

[Rudy North]

I like it a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why won't you unpuck my show?

[Rudy North]

Cause I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, they treat me with a. Three weeks ago, when I had a Jon Hamm episode, everyone was plugging it.

[Rudy North]

Which one? Call me to Bing. Bing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Now no one talks about it anymore.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I wish those ads had worked.

[Rudy North]

You all knew. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anything else?

[Rudy North]

Listen to that you can also watch AP Bio on NBC Thursday nights or it's on Hulu. For you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Rudy North]

For me, for everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

For everyone. Yeah.

[Rudy North]

Even for King Arthur. I turned him onto it. Big Thin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? He watched it a lot. Did you bring your spirit smartphones or something? How did you.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, I brought my whole TV with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, your entire tv?

[Dirk Thirsty]

You were carrying a tv? It just fell in a hole.

[Rudy North]

I was moving it and I tripped and fell into Old Timer England.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did they think it was magic?

[Rudy North]

Oh, well, you know, they got Merlin there, so it's all magic to them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right?

[Emily Grandchildren]

They got melanin.

[Rudy North]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Melon.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Merlin.

[Rudy North]

Yeah. Merlin is a black guy. Merlin is a black guy.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Baltimore, Maryland.

[Rudy North]

That is Merlin's full name. Baltimore Merlind. And he's a black guy. We'll get into it next time I'm on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, next time. We definitely have to remember that. Entre P? Noor. What do you want to plug?

[Andre P. Neuer]

I would love to plug a podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one?

[Andre P. Neuer]

This African American Life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? Who's the host of that?

[Andre P. Neuer]

IRA cup.

[Rudy North]

Very blank knife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Middle name. Two girls. One.

[Andre P. Neuer]

How'd you know? You know him? You know him?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do. No, I just. I've heard of him.

[Andre P. Neuer]

He's a nice man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Light skinned black man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah, very light.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Very, very light.

[Scott Aukerman]

He can pass.

[Andre P. Neuer]

You might think he's white. Yes, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dorothy Dander.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Yeah, yeah. Or Rashida Jones. All right, should we not keep naming names?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's out them all. Why not?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Rachel told us all.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Yeah, she could pass, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I thought. I thought she was white.

[Scott Aukerman]

10 seconds. Nope. Black through and through. Oh boy. All right.

[Rudy North]

Aunt Vivian from season five.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fresh Prison. LM Charlie Manson. What do you want to plug here? Oh, I have some. Oh, you got more. What do you got?

[Andre P. Neuer]

You cut me off. Scott David off.

[Scott Aukerman]

How dare I?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Lena Horn.

[Andre P. Neuer]

How dare you? Lena Dunham.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lena Dunham. Charlie, what do you got?

[Charlie Manson]

I just want to go back onto Doughboy.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's close up the old blood bag. Let's close it up. It's time to open it. It's time to open the bag. It's time to open up. Back. It's time to open up. Back. Open up. Very nice. Only about eight more months of that. Great. Well guys, I want to thank you so much. Charlie, good luck to you. Is there any sort of afterlife situation where you can get into a lizard body or anything? Or is this what you're stuck with?

[Charlie Manson]

Only if I commit three good deeds within three minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh oh.

[Charlie Manson]

Too fast. It's too fast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too fast. It's too fast.

[Charlie Manson]

I can't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, maybe you try it.

[Charlie Manson]

Nobody can. It's like that saltine challenge or eating a tide pod.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you save someone from drowning, that's a good three minutes by itself.

[Dirk Thirsty]

But three minutes here is three years in the Speed Force.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. Maybe you could take.

[Dirk Thirsty]

I'll take this ghost Charlie into the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speed Force and you can do three good deeds and turn into a lizard.

[Charlie Manson]

I would love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you guys want to do that right now?

[Dirk Thirsty]

Let's do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Charlie Manson]

Okay.

[Dirk Thirsty]

We just did it.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Charlie Mance is a lizard. He's a little lizard with a swastika.

[Dirk Thirsty]

Swastika.

[Emily Grandchildren]

I'm so glad things worked out for Charles Manson.

[Scott Aukerman]

So good.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Me too. I'll report this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Entre. Pinur, so good to meet you. Will you come back with your brother? Appetizer?

[Andre P. Neuer]

Appetizer Pete.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to meet him.

[Andre P. Neuer]

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kuistopher, so great to see you again.

[Rudy North]

Yeah, good to be here. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good luck.

[Rudy North]

Please see you when I come back from my travels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Hope you replenish that gold.

[Rudy North]

Oh, I've got a lot. It doesn't need it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay. And Dirk and Emily. Or I'm sorry, Dirk and m. Grandchildren. So what do you think?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Well, we weren't really paying attention.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

We were texting about something we have going on.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what you were doing?

[Emily Grandchildren]

Just anything you ever heard us say after the initial time that we had a conversation with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, making a note of this.

[Emily Grandchildren]

We were just saying stuff out loud.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

In response to what we were writing in our time.

[Dirk Thirsty]

You were asking very specific questions to.

[Emily Grandchildren]

All of us, of each other.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Oh, I'm glad it worked out that way.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Were you all talking to us?

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys are having a side conversation this whole time.

[Emily Grandchildren]

The entire time, I never knew what was going on.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is an M. Night Shyamalan twist.

[Emily Grandchildren]

So I guess just keep doing what you're doing.

[Chris Egg Wodom]

I have to report that it's going fine, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell you what, I'll do it for another year. Is that okay?

[Chris Egg Wodom]

Sure.

[Emily Grandchildren]

Who cares?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, guys, I want to thank you. I want to thank the listeners. Thank you so much for sticking with us for nine years. I want to thank, of course, our engineers, including engineer Brett. Don't get on Mike Anton. Oh, that's right. He's been throat punched. Thanks to everyone out there listening. Thanks to all of you. It's been my pleasure to be here for so long. That didn't come out the way I wanted it to come out. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks by.

[Kiwi Chris]

What'S Poppin listeners. I'm Lacy Moseley, host of the podcast Scam Goddess, the show that's an ode to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week I talk with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time. Wanna know about the fake errors? We got em. What about a career con man? We've got them too. Guys that will wine and dine you and then steal all your coins. Oh, you know they are represented cause representation. I'm joined by guests like Nicole byer, Ira Madison III, Conan O'Brien, and more. Join the congregation and listen to Scam Goddess. Wherever you get your podcasts, Imagine what's.

[Andre P. Neuer]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Andre P. Neuer]

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[Emily Grandchildren]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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