Bonus Bang: Tim Baltz, Dan Lippert, Mary Sohn, Lily Sullivan, Brett Morris (Nutz 4 Snutz)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Episode Summary Title: Bonus Bang: Tim Baltz, Dan Lippert, Mary Sohn, Lily Sullivan, Brett Morris (Nutz 4 Snutz)
Release Date: March 27, 2025
Hosts/Guests: Scott Aukerman, Tim Baltz, Mary Sohn, Lily Sullivan, Brett Morris, Mark Padovano

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1. Episode Introduction and Context

In this bonus episode of "Comedy Bang Bang," part of the "Nutz 4 Snutz" series, host Scott Aukerman brings back beloved characters and introduces a special segment featuring Tim Baltz as Randy Snuts from "The Righteous Gemstones." This installment diverges slightly from the standard format by presenting an episode of Randy Snuts' own show, "Hey Randy," offering comedic advice to callers.

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2. Randy Snuts' "Hey Randy" Segment

Episode Highlight:
Scott introduces Episode 4 of "Hey Randy," titled "Cat Puke Taquitos," featuring Tim Baltz (Randy Snuts), Dan Lippert (Stewart), Mary Sohn (Amber), Brett Morris (Mark Padovano), and Lily Sullivan (Carissa).

Key Points:

• Caller Interaction: The gang addresses humorous and absurd questions from callers, providing over-the-top advice.
• Character Dynamics: Carissa and Randy's tumultuous relationship adds comedic tension, especially with Carissa's attempts to behave while navigating their breakup.

Notable Quote:
“If someone slaps you, you slap him back. Yeah, right.” – Tim Baltz (Stewart) [08:07]

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3. Improvised Banter and Comedic Scenarios

Following the Randy Snuts segment, the main podcast delves into a series of improvised comedic interactions among the cast members. This section is characterized by playful arguments, exaggerated character traits, and recurring jokes.

Key Themes:

• Relationship Humor: Scott Aukerman shares a faux personal anecdote about overindulging in edibles, leading to hilarious reactions from Mary Sohn and Tim Baltz.
• Mock Advertising: The cast engages in spoof advertisements, such as promoting "Buffalo Taquito Doritos," blending absurdity with humor.
• Character Quirks: Lily Sullivan's portrayal of Carissa involves her being overly helpful yet intrusive, leading to comedic conflicts.

Notable Quotes:

• “Let's see yours.” – Tim Baltz [17:56]
  (Referring to a humorous Venmo mishap)

• “What the hell?” – Mary Sohn [65:53]
  (Reacting to absurd caller stories)

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4. Humorous Advice and Callers' Questions

The episode features a flurry of fictional caller questions, each met with the host and guests' unique brand of humorously flawed advice.

Examples:

• Lost Mug Dilemma: A caller asks whether to confess finding a roommate's lost mug or cover it up, leading to playful suggestions about decorating or deceit.

  Notable Quote:
  “This guy sounds like a pig.” – Mary Sohn [39:00]

• Infected Tattoo: A caller contemplates breaking up with a boyfriend over an infected tattoo, prompting funny yet practical advice about health and relationships.

  Notable Quote:
  “You think Bill Gates is charismatic? No.” – Scott Aukerman [80:03]

• Dealing with Ghosting: Advice on handling being ghosted blends sarcasm with genuine support, highlighting the show's signature comedic style.

  Notable Quote:
  “You wanna be tortured. You love it.” – Mary Sohn [56:31]

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5. Recurring Jokes and Running Gags

The episode is peppered with recurring jokes that fans of the show will recognize and appreciate.

Examples:

• "Buffalo Taquito Cat Puke": A fictional dish that serves as a humorous centerpiece for various comedic sketches and character interactions.

  Notable Quote:
  “Buffalo, Taquito Dorito cat throw up.” – Lily Sullivan [45:25]

• "Mark's Shimmying Style": Continuous playful insults and teasing about Mark Padovano's character traits and habits.

  Notable Quote:
  “You've got a TV in every room in the house.” – Mary Sohn [47:03]

• Relationship Struggles: The exaggerated portrayal of in-character relationships, such as the mock-rock bottom moments and over-the-top breakups.

  Notable Quote:
  “We're done, Randy.” – Mary Sohn & Lily Sullivan [96:27]

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6. Satirical Product Promotions

Interspersed within the comedic dialogues are satirical advertisements that parody real-life commercials, adding another layer of humor to the episode.

Examples:

• Venmo Promotions: Mock promotions for Venmo’s features, blending functionality with absurdity.

  Notable Quote:
  “Use your Venmo balance to pay for the things you love to do.” – Lily Sullivan [48:13]

• Fresh Step Litter Commercial: A humorous take on pet product advertisements, emphasizing exaggerated features.

  Notable Quote:
  “Freshstep's new Heavy Duty litter gives your litter box 30 days of odor control.” – Mary Sohn [104:28]

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7. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts

As the episode winds down, the cast reflects on the humorous exchanges, reiterating their camaraderie and teasing each other one last time.

Key Points:

• Acknowledgments: Scott Aukerman extends thanks to the guests and reiterates the comedic nature of the episode.
• Final Jokes: The episode concludes with light-hearted banter about the absurdity of the interactions and the fictional products they’ve discussed.

Notable Quote:
“Thank you for listening and I hope your lives remain free from scandal, duplicity and all sorts of deviousness.” – Mary Sohn [98:21]

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Conclusion

This bonus episode of "Comedy Bang Bang" remains true to the show's legacy of improvisational humor and character-driven comedy. Featuring a blend of structured segments and freeform banter, the episode offers listeners a hilarious journey through fictional advice, absurd scenarios, and the dynamic interplay between the cast members. Whether revisiting Randy Snuts' comedic dilemmas or engaging in playful disputes over taquitos and tattoos, the episode showcases the quintessential Comedy Bang Bang spirit.

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Notable Quotes Overview:

• “If someone slaps you, you slap him back. Yeah, right.” – Tim Baltz [08:07]
• “Buffalo, Taquito Dorito cat throw up.” – Lily Sullivan [45:25]
• “We're done, Randy.” – Mary Sohn & Lily Sullivan [96:27]
• “Thank you for listening and I hope your lives remain free from scandal, duplicity and all sorts of deviousness.” – Mary Sohn [98:21]

These quotes encapsulate the show's blend of sarcasm, wit, and playful antagonism that defines "Comedy Bang Bang."

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

This podcast is brought to you by Hulu. Hey, everybody, Hulu has a bunch of new stand up specials that are not just funny, they're hilarious. Very funny, Hulu. Anyway, they're launching new exclusive stand up specials from awesome comedians like Jim Gaffigan, Alana glaser, Roy Wood Jr. Bill Burr, and tons more. A new special drops every month and they've got a huge library of stand up specials to check out. Go to Hulu and get your stand up fix.

[Dan Lippert]

Now it's survey time. This comes around every five years or so. It's so exciting. In order to support Comedy Bang Bang, we need the help of some great advertisers, not just good advertisers. And we want to make sure those advertisers are ones that you actually want to hear about. But we need to learn a little bit more about you to make that possible. So here's what you do. Go to podsurvey.com Bang Bang and take a quick anonymous survey that will help us to get, you know, better. All you gotta do is enter your name, address, phone number. No, it's anonymous. And this way we can bring on advertisers who you won't want to skip. And once you've completed the quick survey, you can enter for a chance to win a $100Amazon gift card. Terms and conditions, of course. Of course they apply again. That is podsurvey.com Bang Bang. Thanks for your help. Hey, everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus Bang. Bonus bangs being, of course, episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we have previously recorded that we're bringing out behind the Paywall. And this is our sixth and final episode in our Nuts for Snuts series, which, of course features Tim Baltz from the Righteous Gemstones. Uh, you've seen him pole dancing on recent episodes. Uh, he plays his character Randy Snuts. And this week, in fact, we're doing something a little special. This is not an episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but this is an episode of Randy's own show. Hey, Randy. That's right over there at CBB World. As part of CBB Presents, Randy Snuts has his own show called hey Randy, which has an episode about once a month. And we're releasing one of the episodes out there so you people who don't subscribe to CBB World can hear it. We this is episode four and it's titled Cat Puke Taquitos. It features, of course, Tim Baltz as Randy, Dan Lippard as Stewart, Mary Sohn as Amber, Brett Morris as Mark Padovano and of course Lily Sullivan as the duplicitous Carissa. The gang listens to caller questions, gives their best advice. Plus Karissa and Randy are back together, so Carissa is on her best behavior now. If you enjoy this episode, I've got great news for you. There's so many more just like it and maybe when you become a subscriber@cbb world.com plus we have all the live shows, all of the Comedy Bang Bang archives, every single episode we've ever recorded, all ad free. Again, thank you for listening. We will be back Monday with a brand new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

[Mary Sohn]

CBB presents I've really been trying to sleep better at night, making little changes to my life. So I wake up fresh, ready to meet the new day's challenges. Unfortunately, last night I got a little hungry right before bed and ate the only things I could find in my fridge, which was a ruby red grapefruit, two king sized Snickers, and a full jar of Potbelly's Giardiniera. As I closed my eyes, my tummy growled and the sound slowly turned into the revving of a motorcycle's engine. A rider was in front of me wearing a helmet with a tinted visor. The mystery man beckoned me onto the back of his silver hog. I put on my own helmet, wrapped my arms around him and we took off, accelerating faster and faster into the night. Suddenly we were on a highway, zooming through traffic, jumping over cars, passing one billboard after another. The first billboard had a picture of Jesus with his arms raised to the sky and it read, tonight is the night when two become one. The second had a picture of Jesus with his arms crossed and it read the Spice Girls were punished for being horny. Apologize to them. And the third also had a picture of Jesus, but he was looking kind of cocky in this one with his hands on his hips and it read, I died for your sins. Do you stan a king? Then the motorcycle skidded to a stop and I was sent flying to the ground. I tumbled and tumbled for what felt like hours, but when I finally stopped, I was only a few feet from the motorcycle. The the rider pointed to the final billboard and said, as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our soul, and then removed his helmet, which somehow transformed his outfit into a flowing white robe. It was a man with long beautiful hair, a full beard, and a twinkle in his eye. I gasped and said, damn Jimmy Carter, you truly are the rock and roll president. Then I woke up and burped so loud that my neighbor texted me, please turn down your stereo. Anyway, I'm never gon die. Let's go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Randy.

[Mary Sohn]

Hey, Randy. Hey, Randy. All right, we are back in Mark Patovano's living room. Probably the most perfect, sonically recording space that we could find in town. I'm here with the crew Amber Pusateri and Stuart Knox. What's going on?

[Tim Baltz]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's good?

[Mary Sohn]

Whoa. Wow. I'm in a mood.

[Tim Baltz]

I am in a mood.

[Mary Sohn]

Is it the hello Kitty backpack?

[Tim Baltz]

Why do you always have to call out the hello Kitty that I'm wearing?

[Mary Sohn]

You make a voice every time that you're wearing it.

[Tim Baltz]

Okay. So you looking cute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Thank you. I don't feel cute. I don't feel cute. Well, 4:20 was crazy. It was probably the worst day of my life.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, you just go too hard. It used to be when you were younger, it's a nice little holiday during college. You take the day off as an adult, you still got responsibilities. And I just went too hard. And thanks for coming over and just chilling out with me and watching Batman Forever. I think that's what really turned it around.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, we watched it so many times, it felt like forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

We did watch Batman Forever Forever, but.

[Mary Sohn]

We could tell as soon as we walked in, we saw the look on your face. We were like, he miscalculated the edibles for sure, 100%.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I get all my edibles from a company. I don't know what language it is, but it's not English and they're a little cheaper. But I don't think that the metric translations work out exactly the way I had done.

[Tim Baltz]

How many did you do of that metric?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I had a bottle, and then I made a little Oreo smoothie. And the smoothie, I used these weed Oreos. And each one is 40. And then some letters or something.

[Mary Sohn]

It's not milligrams letters and shapes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Cause it is not an American company and it doesn't work in Google Translate when I plug it in. So I'm not sure, but I'm getting it on the cheap. I am getting it on the cheap.

[Tim Baltz]

Oh, Stu, you gotta leave em alone. You were very fucked up. You kept saying, I gotta leave, I gotta leave. And then we kept reminding you that this was your house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Tim Baltz]

But you said, I gotta go home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And then I was thinking, like, maybe home is a higher plane that I need to be in. And then for a while, you were There. I left my mom a pretty long voicemail asking to go back into the womb, which she has not responded to.

[Tim Baltz]

She left you on red?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, she did leave me on voicemail.

[Mary Sohn]

Red. Dang. So you know that she absolutely listened to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do know. She said, got your voicemail. And then nothing after that.

[Mary Sohn]

Dang. Devastating. Although I will say that voicemail did teeter into sexual territory.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah, a couple of times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God, that's embarrassing. That's embarrassing for your friends to see you that way. Well, voicemails are inherently sexual these days. It's like a vocal DM now, because you don't leave them for anyone unless there's a relationship there or you need your doctor to get back to you.

[Mary Sohn]

You did start the voicemail by saying, hey, Mom, I'm sliding into your VMs with a little question for.

[Scott Aukerman]

I regret it. If I was gonna say I didn't regret it, I'd be lying. You know, and it's good to have pals around for moments like that, because that was. That. That is. That was a rock bottom for me.

[Mary Sohn]

No, we've seen you worse than that. We've absolutely seen you worse than that. And I don't blame you for your confusion either, because out of all the people who I've seen next to their biological mother, you probably look the least like her. You know, you're like the spitting image of your dad. So you're probably growing up your whole life being like, is it? She looks good.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am so glad to hear someone else say that out loud. You know, when someone says a thing that you're like, that is how I felt, but I never realized it. And that's where I am. I think with my mom is like my dad, you know, I would never be hot for him because he looks like me, you know? But my mom, there's no resemblance there that I see.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's long blonde hair.

[Mary Sohn]

That's Oedipal right there. Before the pod began, there was a lot of Greek mythology.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Mary Sohn]

So now we're, like, absentmindedly kind of walking right into it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was feeling a little. Zeus was the only guy I could think of.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah, sure.

[Mary Sohn]

The main guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the main guy, right?

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. That's good. Because if someone's like a basketball, who are you thinking of? And you're like, Calbert Chaney, like, no Michael Jordan. What's your problem, Amber? You're wearing some nice basketball shoes. Those are high tops.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah. This is what they used to wear before they knew that they're terrible. For your feet.

[Mary Sohn]

Chalk tailors.

[Tim Baltz]

There's no arch support. Why would you run it around a basketball court like that?

[Mary Sohn]

That's why any time people are like, they're. That today's players are better athletes. I'm like, oh, yeah, you think because they have functional cartilage in their feet. Idiots. They'd be like, well, they have better sports science today. And I've been ridiculed for saying players have better sports science and it prolongs their careers. And so, you know, you got to grade their stats on a curve. I've been ridiculed for that. It's like, all right, why don't you run eight miles over two and a half hours in Chuck Taylor's, Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you worn Jordan once? Yeah. I mean, he literally bled through him the first time he played in them, you know, and he still was Michael Jordan. Throw those on Kyrie Irving right now. And he'd have to take the week off.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, he'd be giving the middle finger to everybody, not just Boston.

[Tim Baltz]

$50,000 fine was it? I so honestly, nothing to him right now.

[Mary Sohn]

Amber, who would you pay $50,000 to give the finger to?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great question.

[Tim Baltz]

Well, if I could do it again. Mr. Delgado. Mr. Delgado. Because the first time I was slept with a detention. And then I hand. Yeah. And one. And you know my motto. If someone slaps you, you slap him back. Yeah, right.

[Mary Sohn]

You took it like a champ. He went down like a folding chair.

[Tim Baltz]

After he slapped me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know we thought it was going to be like one of those Eastern European slap battles, but he went down quick.

[Tim Baltz]

I didn't even turn my head. I kept it straightforward.

[Mary Sohn]

I thought the security camera would bone you. But when the superintendent saw it, he laughed so hard and he was like, oh, well, Delgado hit her first. Look at him go down. He kept rewinding it. Look at him go down. Boy. Fun. When a superintendent hates a teacher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You can really feel that energy and you gotta make it up. But it's like, oh, everyone thinks this teacher's a loser. It's not just the kids. What about you, big dog? Who are you giving the middle finger to for 50k?

[Mary Sohn]

For 50k. So I pay $50,000 to give the middle finger to somebody.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you already did two. You did that $250 fine for the middle finger you gave to those cops at the Dairy Queen.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, that's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because they came back through the drive through twice before. You got through once.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, the siren went off right as I was about to take it from park, back into drive, and they cut in front of me. And I was like, you gotta be kidding. So I left it in park, got out, climbed on top of the cop car, stuck my head so that they were seeing it upside down on the windshield, and flicked them off. And they just took $250 out of my wallet. But no, for real, for $50,000, it'd be Margaret Thatcher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Mary Sohn]

I go back in time, you give her a big bird to the face.

[Scott Aukerman]

And are you paying a modern 50k or are you paying 50k from.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, 50k back then. So, yeah, I guess it'd be even more. I don't know. Just after watching the crown, I just got so mad at her. I fucking hate her. You know, Trojan horse. Not because of how she looks. I'm not saying she looks like a horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's okay. It's okay if you are.

[Mary Sohn]

All right. Yeah, she looks like a type of horse. I guess she's not here to defend herself.

[Scott Aukerman]

If she was, she'd be silenced by those two big birds coming at her.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, damn right. They'd be in her nostrils, and she'd be like, whoa, I'm chuffed. Is chuffed bad.

[Tim Baltz]

I want to say that chuffed equals putting out the blunt. No, you chuffed it.

[Mary Sohn]

You chuffed it too soon.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, is this. Sorry. Is this not a good time, Randy? I just.

[Mary Sohn]

No, we're recording the podcast.

[Lily Sullivan]

Sorry, I'm not. I just. I'm not even here. Hey, what's up?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Krista.

[Lily Sullivan]

Hey.

[Mary Sohn]

We're back together, guys.

[Tim Baltz]

Hey, girl.

[Mary Sohn]

We're back together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seriously?

[Tim Baltz]

You gotta be kidding me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Karissa. That's a big bread bowl of chowder you're doing there.

[Lily Sullivan]

Excuse me?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a big bread bowl of chowder you're eating there.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, so, actually, I was gonna say. I know. I know you guys are doing the recording. I don't want to interrupt the recording, but I have. I did make some hors d'oeuvrevs for the group.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry. An order. It's a fool.

[Mary Sohn]

I know.

[Lily Sullivan]

It's just a big bowl of chowder. I thought you guys could dig down.

[Mary Sohn]

It's in a bread bowl. Can you put it on a plate? It's dripping out the bottom of the bread bowl.

[Lily Sullivan]

The whole point with a bread bowl is that you eat the bread and you go face down on it. That's the whole point of a chowder. Why are you guys looking at me like I'm crazy? That's the whole point.

[Mary Sohn]

Because you got chowder all over your Face. You clearly went face down on it first.

[Lily Sullivan]

Well, I went first. Yeah, exactly. I thought I would eat my portion, then bring it out to you guys so that you can eat.

[Tim Baltz]

Carissa, isn't that hot? It is steaming out the top.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, it's hot. That's. It's fucking chowder. It's supposed to be hot.

[Mary Sohn]

I think you got third degree burns on your face.

[Lily Sullivan]

No, that's just because I had a chemical peel.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh.

[Lily Sullivan]

So my face was, like, really raw already when I put it in the chowder to eat you guys, I made some other snacks. I was gonna check in and see if you guys wanted some Dorito Taquitos. Buffalo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn. I mean, that sounds good. What was the buffalo gonna be?

[Lily Sullivan]

It's buffalo. Dorito Taquitos.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. That was still a descriptor of the first.

[Lily Sullivan]

The meat is buffalo.

[Tim Baltz]

Like a little nacho?

[Lily Sullivan]

No, like a taquito.

[Tim Baltz]

Okay.

[Mary Sohn]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So instead of ground beef, you used ground buffalo?

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah. My dad goes hunting for buffalo. He just shoots them in people's yards.

[Mary Sohn]

Or.

[Scott Aukerman]

We said that a few times. We think it's big dogs.

[Lily Sullivan]

It's not dogs. It's buffalo. I know. You guys are like, there's no buffalo in this part of the country. Everyone, chill. My dad knows exactly what he's doing.

[Mary Sohn]

Francis, you can check the nextdoor app. People are talking about how their big dogs are getting shot all over town.

[Lily Sullivan]

Then why does it taste like the best buffalo I've literally ever eaten?

[Mary Sohn]

I don't. Well, first off, I don't think you've ever had actual buffalo.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yes, I have. I've been eating buffalo since I was a kid. My dad's been hunting them all over town.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, man.

[Lily Sullivan]

Look, I'm not here. I didn't want to interrupt. I know that this is, like, your guys's thing that you do this and it's so fun for you.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah.

[Lily Sullivan]

But I just wanted to say, if you need anything, I'm here. I'm a good little girlfriend.

[Tim Baltz]

You know what I need?

[Lily Sullivan]

Huh?

[Tim Baltz]

I need the money that you owe me after I did your last shift.

[Lily Sullivan]

Amber. No.

[Tim Baltz]

That's what I need.

[Lily Sullivan]

I sent you a Venmo. You should have gotten it. No, I sent you the Venmo.

[Tim Baltz]

At Last Shed.

[Lily Sullivan]

At Last Shed.

[Tim Baltz]

And you did not. No, I'm checking it now. You did not pull out your Venmo, Chris.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see yours.

[Lily Sullivan]

Well, I don't have my Venmo on my phone. I have it on my iPad.

[Mary Sohn]

Well, it didn't go through. You can't like that Kind of technology doesn't mess up. It's not like the post office.

[Lily Sullivan]

There must be an issue on your end, Amber. Like, you should call Venmo or call the bank. Cause, like, I sent it through my iPad, and then I double checked it on my dad's computer.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah, maybe you can call Francis, ask him if you can borrow some money.

[Lily Sullivan]

My dad's really busy lately, because, you know, he does financials.

[Mary Sohn]

He does financials.

[Tim Baltz]

I wish you would do financials.

[Lily Sullivan]

What do you mean?

[Tim Baltz]

I wish you would do the payment that you need to pay me.

[Lily Sullivan]

All right, well, again, you need to check on your end. Okay. So, anyway, I don't want to bug you guys, but if you need me, I am Randy. You know you can ask me for anything.

[Mary Sohn]

Okay. Can you leave the room?

[Lily Sullivan]

What?

[Mary Sohn]

Please? Sorry, babe.

[Lily Sullivan]

We're okay. Yeah, no, no, it's totally fine.

[Mary Sohn]

That's all.

[Tim Baltz]

I'm.

[Lily Sullivan]

Like I'm not here. Like, I'm not here.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. See ya.

[Lily Sullivan]

I'll be in the kitchen cooking and cleaning and being a good little girlfriend. Wife.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. You don't have to clean too much. It's Mark Patovano's place.

[Lily Sullivan]

Love you guys.

[Mary Sohn]

Okay. All right. Sorry, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I say something?

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wanted to bring this up in your dream. This was the first one you've had that Karissa wasn't a part of.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like something's. You're making some growth here, I think.

[Tim Baltz]

Okay. Establishing boundaries.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Tim Baltz]

And then your subconscious is not awakened and having to deal with that.

[Mary Sohn]

Man, you're right. And that's the first time I calmly asked her to leave the room when.

[Scott Aukerman]

She said, if you need anything, and she started kind of pulling her waistline lower. You didn't say, I do need something. You looked away.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, you're right. Dang.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm proud of you, man.

[Mary Sohn]

I'm always looking at the V on a waist, too. Even on guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

It just takes, like, a week of planking to develop that part of the body.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what they say when my shoulders just can't handle a plank.

[Mary Sohn]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

How are you doing the plank? Are you doing it on your forehead?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

No. You got to do it. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you lay flat.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. On your elbows.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you get your elbows under your forehead?

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, boy. All right, let's. Let's take some calls, and then I'll explain this. All right. Let's get a collar up here.

[Lily Sullivan]

Hey, Randy, honestly, this isn't a duplicitous life event that I need help with. But I just do want your opinion on something. I'm trying to write about gym teachers.

[Mary Sohn]

Wearing their Oakleys on the back of their head.

[Lily Sullivan]

And I'm just trying to understand, like.

[Mary Sohn]

What'S the deal with that? So my question is, what's the deal with that? Why do people do that? And are you pro or against Oakley's on the back of your head. Thanks, Randy.

[Tim Baltz]

Love you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bye.

[Mary Sohn]

I mean, I. I guess I'm against it. I think I'm against it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shocking.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, shit. I got some on my. The back of my head right now. Damn, I forgot about that. Okay, I guess I'm for it. I'm for it. I'm for it. But I understand how people hate it. Like, it really triggers a lot of people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That's interesting. I just never knew how else you would wear them.

[Mary Sohn]

You have never put them on just, like, over the bridge of your nose to cover your eyes? No, I mean, I know that I always put them on the back of my head so that people think that they're talking to the back of my head and I can ignore them. Like, that's the easiest way to trick someone into just, like, yammering on and on and not having to listen to them.

[Scott Aukerman]

That worked so well for you when Kris Kross was big and then became a little harder later on when the style didn't really fit it.

[Mary Sohn]

It did. Yeah. But I mean, if you're a gym teacher and you're doing this, like, I think it means something else, you know, like, it's not. Like, the way that I do it is different than the way a gym teacher does it.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah, but you think a gym teacher is sort of like signaling I'm part of this club. And I'm letting you know. Are you.

[Mary Sohn]

So it's like a gang sign for gym teachers.

[Tim Baltz]

I'm wondering.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Yeah, I think there's a gym teacher. Skull and Bones. Like, every. I think every gym teacher at our high school was in the same club in college. Like, they all went through it.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. Like Freemasons or. Yeah, but it's just for physical education.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think it's just wall. It's called wall sits. And I'm pretty sure I've read about this stuff. I don't want to get super into, like, weird conspiracy stuff, but it's like, I think that Nixon's gym teacher was in it. And I've gone all the way back. I think even when they were doing, like, that's where the presidential fitness Test comes from is they used to test you to see if you could get wall sits.

[Mary Sohn]

Wow. It started with Nixon. I mean, most bad things started with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nixon, you know, except that. I mean, we know Mark is always quick to point out that the EPA was a Nixon thing. He loves talking about that.

[Mary Sohn]

That's because I.

[Mark Padovano]

China.

[Mary Sohn]

What?

[Mark Padovano]

Opened up China.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, hey, Mark. Yeah, he opened up. I mean, but those things like that had to happen eventually. Also, pollution was so bad, something had to be done. It was so bad that even Nixon did something about it.

[Mark Padovano]

He did it because he's the one who did it.

[Mary Sohn]

Hey, all right. Can we pick this back up later, Mark?

[Mark Padovano]

Is it cool you brought it up?

[Mary Sohn]

No, you. We were talking. We were doing a recording and you walked through the room.

[Mark Padovano]

I'm trying to play PS2.

[Mary Sohn]

All right.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, hey, Randy. I just wanted.

[Mark Padovano]

Why does it smell like shit in my kitchen?

[Lily Sullivan]

Randy, I just wanted to let you know that Mark's here.

[Mary Sohn]

Carissa's making Buffalo Dorito taquitos.

[Lily Sullivan]

Did you want any Buffalo taquitos?

[Mark Padovano]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where is the Dorito part of it? Is it mixed in with the buffalo on the inside or is that the exterior?

[Lily Sullivan]

Well, I don't want to interrupt the podcast or whatever, because I know this is, like, super important, but basically, we take the buffalo, and the buffalo's been, like, sitting in my dad's garage for months at this point. So it's all dry and stuff. And then you mix it with the taquito. You mix it with the taquitos. These are, like, prepackaged taquitos that you could buy at, like, Trader Joe's or something. And you grind it up in a blender till it's like, kind of like looks like almost like the consistency of, like, a cat throw up or something. And then you serve that over the Doritos.

[Scott Aukerman]

So there's nothing taquito. There's no rolled up.

[Lily Sullivan]

It is a taquito.

[Mary Sohn]

No, it's a shredded taquito.

[Lily Sullivan]

The taquitos are a part of it. I don't know. Haven't I literally served my. My Buffalo Taquito Doritos at, like, every party we've ever been to?

[Mark Padovano]

Taquito means small taco.

[Lily Sullivan]

God, you're so smart.

[Mark Padovano]

It's, like, even smaller.

[Mary Sohn]

Okay, that didn't really move forward what we were talking about, Mark, but I'm.

[Mark Padovano]

Saying it is a taquito technically, all right?

[Mary Sohn]

Don't come at us that hard, dude. All right? Dick Cheney was Nixon's chief of staff. Did you know that?

[Lily Sullivan]

Huh?

[Mark Padovano]

I'm not A fan of Dick Cheney.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, you're not?

[Mark Padovano]

No.

[Mary Sohn]

Why?

[Mark Padovano]

I'm Ron Paul all day.

[Mary Sohn]

Jesus Christ. All right.

[Mark Padovano]

I voted for Ron Paul.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, no kidding.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. We've seen the bumper sticker on your Jeep, man.

[Lily Sullivan]

I don't vote, but if I voted, I think I would vote for whoever Mark votes for because Mark's just so smart about politics and stuff.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, right. What is this you wrote in Chelsea Handler in the last presidential election?

[Lily Sullivan]

She's so funny. She would be so good. I don't know how many times I have to say it. She would be so funny and good as a president if she calls into.

[Mary Sohn]

This number because her name got checked.

[Lily Sullivan]

Randy, not that many people listen to this.

[Mary Sohn]

I'd shit during a wall sit.

[Tim Baltz]

You're in.

[Mary Sohn]

I'm in. I passed the presidential test.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did she say that she was writing something on gym teachers? Is that how the voicemail started?

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, she was writing, like, an essay, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

An essay on gym teachers. I'd love to read it. Post it. Post it. Tag us in it.

[Lily Sullivan]

Chelsea Handler.

[Mary Sohn]

No, Marissa, go back and make your cat puke. Taquito mix. Let's take another call.

[Lily Sullivan]

This is all right. I'm not here, you guys. By the way, I just want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, since you're not here, you don't need to put your lips onto Randy's microphone right in front of you.

[Lily Sullivan]

I'm not even here. I'm not even here.

[Mary Sohn]

Great. Okay. All right. Okay.

[Lily Sullivan]

I'm not here. All right, I'm going now.

[Tim Baltz]

There's so much chowder on the mic.

[Mary Sohn]

I gotta brush this off.

[Scott Aukerman]

This podcast is brought to you by Hulu. Hey, everybody. Hulu has a bunch of new stand up specials that are not just funny, they're hilarious. Very funny, Hulu. Anyway, they're launching new exclusive stand up specials from awesome comedians like Jim Gaffigan, Ilana glaser, Roy Wood Jr. Bill Burr, and tons more. A new special drops every month, and they've got a huge library of stand up specials to check out. Go to Hulu and get your stand up fix now.

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[Mary Sohn]

They're great.

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[Mary Sohn]

Yay.

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[Mary Sohn]

All right. Okay, let's take another caller. Hey, Randy. So my neighbor next door still has his Christmas decorations out and like, you know, whatever, do your thing, man. But it's St Patrick's Day and there are two gigantic reindeer on his front yard. And I'm like, really tempted to go put a little hat or like a shillelagh next to them. I don't know if this is too passive aggressive or if it would be caught off. I think it would be funny. I don't know how he's gonna respond. Obviously he still wants these gear in the yard. What do I do here?

[Tim Baltz]

I thought I was gonna say I hate bitches like this, but I did like the idea of the hat. But I don't like when people mix and mingle with other people's business. You know, Gerald was just saying to me, he comes in stinking after pickleball, said, ew. He said, you're so. Your nose is so sensitive. That's a trait of autism.

[Mark Padovano]

What?

[Tim Baltz]

Don't mingle in my business, now I'm autistic because he stinks.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, that's unhinged.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's classic gaslighting right there. That is gas.

[Mary Sohn]

That's. That's really crappy gaslighting. That any. Because that's not the first time I've heard that in an argument. He's like, well, you must be autistic, because we're disagreeing.

[Tim Baltz]

It's his Hitler, you know? Do you know what I'm saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Tim Baltz]

Once you say autism, well, now we can't have a conversation, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. He shuts you down right away. And so then you. Now you're stuck, silenced. And also, you can't smell because it stinks so bad in there. I hate that.

[Tim Baltz]

Freedom. Stu's foot stinking so hard that was left in the recliner. And he has the audacity to say that somebody else thinks, I'm sorry. All that got me good.

[Mary Sohn]

We've played pickleball with Gerald, though. You know, that's like. It feels like his whole body was stuck in a recliner, and then he went and sweated it out. And pickleball's like, you get a good sweat, but, you know, you're not sweating that much.

[Tim Baltz]

But the way Gerald plays.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, he plays in a full sweatsuit. He plays in his, like, little rocky sweatsuit.

[Tim Baltz]

He's got his black plastic bag over top of him. Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

What's his diet these days that he smells so bad?

[Tim Baltz]

Well, he's doing Dub Dubs, Weight Watchers, and he's trying to avoid points. So it's a lot of shredded cheese over the sink, a lot of carrots, almonds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there something with not using, like, plates and silverware that is less points?

[Tim Baltz]

That's what he says. He says he gets activity points for them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gerald, can I say he doesn't look healthy? He's lost weight, but he does not look healthy at all.

[Tim Baltz]

He's sallow and gray. Yeah, he's incredibly gray.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that like for you? I mean, not to be personal, but in the bedroom and just being a. Attracted to your partner.

[Tim Baltz]

Okay, this is gonna be a surprise, but I've been doing it more than you would ever believe.

[Mary Sohn]

No way.

[Tim Baltz]

The stink, the gray, the sallowness. I don't know what it is.

[Mary Sohn]

You know, this kind of tracks because when. Whenever we watch Lord of the Rings, the guy that you find the most attractive is Worm tongue. Yeah, the. The King with Wormtongue. You're like, both these guys could do me. Jesus.

[Tim Baltz]

Dying King could get it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm so, so sick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, it's that you. If. If you like it, you like it. You can't control what you like.

[Tim Baltz]

Thank you, Sue.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no problem.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. So Apple Jacks, you eat what you. We eat what we like. Remember that commercial campaign, Apple Jacks 97? We eat what we like. And the dad's always like, I know. Amber knows this. The dad's always like, it doesn't even taste like apples. And the teen girls are like, shut the fuck up, dad. While we like. You fucking asshole. Get out of our fucking basement. We're having a slumber party. You fucking prick. That's like, you know, Apple Jacks 97.

[Scott Aukerman]

I stopped watching Apple Jacks commercials around 98 in the one where the girl had to eat her breakfast fast because she said she had a pop quiz. And I was like, how do you know you have a pop quiz?

[Tim Baltz]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the whole. I'm done with the whole ad agency that made that campaign because that's a huge, huge oversight.

[Tim Baltz]

That is so disappointing because both of those years they asked girls from our high school for the sort of, like, focus group to make those ads. The person behind the 98 AD, Lisa Dupuis.

[Scott Aukerman]

No shit. No way.

[Tim Baltz]

Homecoming queen Lisa Dupuy.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, man. The whole Dupuy family. The whole Dupuy family was a disappointment. It, you know, the kind of town that we live in, there can only be so many rich families. Yeah. And ours, the Dupuy family was at the top.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's tough because, you know, where they got the money from, you know, and it's all breeding very ugly dogs, in my opinion. The hairless, non hypoallergenic or whatever dogs. And it's like, yeah, there's a community for that. But that to me is war profiteering. It's creating some of the worst looking working animals on earth for a lifetime of suffering. And it's just, you know, I have no respect for the Dupuis.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, sorry. To start a blunt. I saw Amber kind of cringing when you were saying that, because I remember when every time Gerald sees one of those dogs, he accuses them of being autistic, which. There haven't been enough studies about dogs and autism. So I don't. I'm not trying to, you know, I'm not trying to flame any type of breed of dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Yeah. We should be sensitive about, you know, what we know about dogs with autism and keep that open that it's possible. But you couldn't tell on site like Gerald.

[Tim Baltz]

And Gerald needs to look in the damn mirror. Not that it's bad, but shows a lot of traits.

[Mary Sohn]

Last time I was over. I think it's cool you both have separate bathrooms, but last time I was over in his bathroom, man, he's got to clean that mirror. It's got so much little white spittle from when he brushes his teeth so close to it.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah. And he's flossing directly into it as well. But in his defense, it's not a real bathroom. It is just like a belt holding a mirror. So in his defense, he can only get closer.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was the room originally?

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, there's a sink in it, but there's no toilet. There's no shower. So it's just his toothbrushing room.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah, for his birthday, I went ahead and threw it in there.

[Mary Sohn]

That's cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you do a lot of good stuff for him.

[Tim Baltz]

Thank you. He knows it too. That's why he never leaves.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do think for this caller, I think that's funny as shit. I think keep going on the reindeer. And if you. I don't know that they're gonna get that. It's passive aggressive. I don't. I think that they might actually think it's fun and leave the reindeer out. So that would worry me. So you might want to start making problematic choices with the reindeer. Put like a KKK hood on one so that then they really have to make a choice here. Do I want to keep this out for this type of stuff?

[Mary Sohn]

That's going to be tough. If it's got a shillelagh, it's got like some American flags for Fourth of July, maybe some Halloween stuff, and then also a KKK hood. They're going to be like, what are we saying here? Because to be honest, I hate to say this. Pretty good representation of America.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sadly. Sadly, very true. There is a, like, slight chance, based on our town that the people in that house would be like, oh, great. Yeah, thank you.

[Mary Sohn]

I knew reindeer were on board with the cause. Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jesus. These spooky anti Semites.

[Mary Sohn]

We could probably take another caller at this point. I think we covered all the ground we need on this one. Hey, Randy. So I got a problem. I got a roommate who has a mug that he really loved. It was a. It's a special mug that's like a French press mug all in one. It's his favorite mug and he uses drink coffee every day. And then he lost it and he was really upset for a while. And then eventually Just gave up and got himself a new mug. That's not quite the same, but it is a mug. And then about a month later, I found the mug down in my room, because I guess I bought it and forgot that I had it. So now my question is, should I pretend that I found the mug and, like, be all surprised and try to win some bonus points? Should I, you know, own up to it? Well, no, I don't want to do that. Or should I just throw the mug away and hope that never comes up again? What would you do? See you later. I mean, I. I think that I would, like, put, like, some little defect on it, you know, or a sticker, and I'd be like, I found the same thing online and I bought it for you. Because this guy's saying he doesn't want to own up to it, right. So he can't just give it to him. He can't say, like, what really happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's. Well, because owning up to that is owning up to a lot of things leading up to that. You took the mug. Your room is such a mess that you would. You found it a month later, like, you wouldn't come across. Or you have a huge room, which is awesome. And the mug was just in a corner.

[Mary Sohn]

I think it's the former. This guy sounds like a pig.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really sloppy pig.

[Mary Sohn]

I mean, or maybe he's got a huge room and he's a pig.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's possible. Stealing mugs and whatever.

[Mary Sohn]

Well, like, where do you put a mug that you can't find it over the course of a month?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

What's he doing with this mug?

[Tim Baltz]

Hoodie pocket.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes mugs and hoodie pockets, and then.

[Mary Sohn]

He just hangs up the hoodie and he doesn't use the hoodie for a long time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had. Well, it was. I like the picture of this painting. It was the last cold day of the season. He had to put his hoodie on and make himself a cup of coffee. And then by the end of the day, he was like, oh, it's. It's. I think it's spring. And he hung it up and forgot.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah. At the end of the day, it got real nice and warm. Got this. I'm sorry, but this is just reminding me, you know, if you did something wrong, you gotta own up to it. If you came in to get your lashes some, you got a full set with the princess endings. You got a full press at the bottom. You did a cleanup afterwards. Didn't. Didn't even try to pretend they were going to Pay or tip. You know, things like that.

[Lily Sullivan]

I was just listening. Hey, sorry to bug you guys. I know I'm like, I'm not here right now, but just. Amber, I couldn't help but hear what you're saying in here about the whole lash situation. I just want you to know, if you look at my eyes right now, I don't even have them on. They fell off in the clam chowder, so.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, well, that's because you stuck them in the clam chowder.

[Lily Sullivan]

I didn't stick them there. I ate some of the clam chowder by putting my face in it. Yeah, and then they fell off because. And I think this speaks to Amber's work. They were poorly put on to begin with.

[Mary Sohn]

They were put on, like, a couple weeks ago. Right. And then you put yourself. You put yourself face down in a steaming hot bowl of chowder. Like, they're gonna come off. How do you take lashes off normally?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Lily Sullivan]

Randy, you know nothing about this. You literally have no eyelashes. So what are you even doing? Commenting.

[Mary Sohn]

That's a choice. All right. I clip them off once a week.

[Lily Sullivan]

You don't know how eyelashes work. This is shoddy workmanship. I'm so glad that the Venmo. That there's issues with the Venmo, because I did pay. I pay everybody. Everybody that I know. Literally nobody wants to hang out with me unless I pay.

[Mary Sohn]

Go get your iPad. Pull up the Venmo.

[Lily Sullivan]

I don't have my iPad here because we're at Mark Patovano's. My iPad's at. I actually wanted to comment on this caller.

[Scott Aukerman]

You heard the call?

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, I did, and it kind of reminded me of on my iPad, because basically, my iPad actually isn't my iPad. It belongs to my friend. My friend Becky.

[Mary Sohn]

So you signed up your Venmo on another person's iPad?

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, well, I think it's even Becky's Venmo, but that doesn't matter. I basically, I took Becky's iPad without realizing I was taking Becky's iPad. And she's, like, always coming up to me like, where's my iPad? I don't understand where it went. Like, you were the last person who came over that had it. And I'm like, I can't. Like, I'm like, literally, like, becky, you needed to chill. You were acting like a psycho. But obviously I have the iPad. I can never give it back to her now. Like, she knows I would have taken it.

[Mary Sohn]

So you. All right, but when you started that, you said you don't know where the iPad is. But you clearly know you have the iPad, and you stole it from Becky.

[Lily Sullivan]

I know where it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Becky who recently lost her job.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, and she lost her dad. Her dad died, too.

[Mary Sohn]

That why she lost her job? Was she working for her dad?

[Lily Sullivan]

She was too sad at work, so they fired her.

[Mary Sohn]

Jesus. In this economy, they're right.

[Lily Sullivan]

Whoa.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, Mark.

[Lily Sullivan]

What's up, Mark?

[Mary Sohn]

All right. Yeah, we don't need to. Let's have a little empathy for someone. All right? It's free.

[Mark Padovano]

All right. It's cool. I have a Samsung if you want.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, really?

[Mark Padovano]

Way better.

[Lily Sullivan]

A tablet better than an iPad?

[Mark Padovano]

Yeah, way better. But I got Venmo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mark is constantly ruining our group text with his damn green text messages.

[Mark Padovano]

The Droid PC for life. Droid for life.

[Mary Sohn]

You like the green text because it represents money. Because you're so greedy, right, dude?

[Mark Padovano]

No, I don't want to sell out to Tim Cook, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Samsung. Samsung is also a huge company. You're being loyal to a multinational conglomerate. Like, it's your mom and pop shop you get stuff at.

[Mark Padovano]

They support free apps. Free speech on the App Store.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just say that. You're just excited about that because you get your little stick drawings of naked lady is app, which. I don't even know what that's for.

[Mark Padovano]

You liked it when I showed it to you. You want to see it?

[Mary Sohn]

No, I've seen it.

[Mark Padovano]

It's nuts. You got to look at this.

[Mary Sohn]

No. Why? So you've drawn different boobies on another stick character?

[Mark Padovano]

I have some new ones. You got to see.

[Mary Sohn]

This is problematic. I'm good, dude. I'm good.

[Lily Sullivan]

I just want to say I agree with mark. Free speech 100%. It's my right to lie to Becky about the iPad forever and ever. Just, like, it's this guy's right to, like, lie about the mug forever. I say he hides it somewhere strategic, like, under. Near the toilet or something. And then when his roommate gets up, he's like, whoa, what's this mug doing here? And he's like, oh, I must have forgotten the mug while I was shitting one day. I literally didn't notice it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's what I'll say, Carissa, you lie like a sociopath. You know I believe your lies.

[Mary Sohn]

No, based on 100%. This is, like, the true version of what Gerald does. Like, anytime Chris opens her mouth. If you say, like, that's sociopathic, you're probably right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

Anyway, Stu, you were saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I tried to keep saying it, but Karissa put her finger on my Mouth. So let me finish my sentence here. You're not allowed to shush me anymore. We talked about this.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, settle down. Heal.

[Lily Sullivan]

Do you guys want. I'm pretty sure that the Taquito Dorito cat throw up is ready.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Mary Sohn]

Nobody wants your Meow mix. Let Stewart finish talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can't call it Cat throw up.

[Tim Baltz]

That's what it looks like.

[Lily Sullivan]

I know it's really good, but that's what it looks like.

[Mary Sohn]

You have no accurate descriptions of this treat.

[Lily Sullivan]

Buffalo, Taquito Dorito cat throw up.

[Mary Sohn]

What?

[Lily Sullivan]

Berry, don't you get? I'm literally not lying right now. I'm telling 100% of the truth.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am. Look, I am really thirsty. Is it possible. So we don't have to stop that. You can get me a water or something?

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, no, we have. I would do this. Doing, like, some homemade sodas. We have a Buffalo soda.

[Scott Aukerman]

With what? Do you have a Soda Stream?

[Lily Sullivan]

No, I've been fermenting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fermenting what?

[Lily Sullivan]

In Mark Panavano's bathroom, just fermenting different sodas. Basically, just water with meat, letting it soak, straining it, waiting hours, infusing it with other herbs. Why are you looking at me like that?

[Mary Sohn]

I'm trying not to puke.

[Lily Sullivan]

I'm cooking for you guys today. I'm not even here right now. Literally, I'm not even here. I'm just, like. I'm happy you guys are. I'm serving you. I'm just, like, a supportive girlfriend today.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just gonna put it. Can I Postmates just, like, some. I think I'm just gonna Postmates some, like, coffees and a couple drinks from. Do you guys want anything?

[Lily Sullivan]

Natty Lights.

[Mark Padovano]

Natty Light.

[Mary Sohn]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we can get some Natty Lights, dude. Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I drank a few of yours a couple days ago, so I feel like I owe you.

[Mark Padovano]

You do.

[Mary Sohn]

Are you buying?

[Mark Padovano]

No. You guys are using my space.

[Mary Sohn]

You said we could chill here.

[Mark Padovano]

You can chill here.

[Mary Sohn]

You weren't even supposed to be home. I sent you the schedule.

[Mark Padovano]

I can come and go as I please. It's my PS2.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, I'm not sitting on it.

[Mark Padovano]

You're close.

[Mary Sohn]

You've got a TV in every room in the house. Including your bathrooms.

[Mark Padovano]

Yes.

[Mary Sohn]

Why don't you hook it up to one of those? Why do you have to play while we're recording the podcast in your living room?

[Mark Padovano]

Because I have the sound system in here.

[Mary Sohn]

All right.

[Lily Sullivan]

Actually, Stu, can you get me something? Can you get me some crab cakes or something? I'm just starving. I Haven't eaten anything. I'll venmo you. Whatever. I'll venmo you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want crab cakes from 7 11? I watched you house a clam tr like hungry.

[Lily Sullivan]

I don't know what's up with me. I'm in the mood for seafood.

[Mary Sohn]

Look at the bread bowl. It looks like current day Stonehenge. There's soup dripping all out of the whole thing.

[Lily Sullivan]

That's how clam chowder is meant to be eaten. I'm sorry. I'm like, getting all worked up. I'm gonna leave you guys. Blake, Stu. I'll venmo you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Yeah, the crab cakes are pretty expensive from 711 with all the fees and stuff. You only get like two, and it's like 18 bucks for frozen crab cakes.

[Mary Sohn]

I advise you to take cash. I don't think her Venmo is real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Mario's Bistro.

[Dan Lippert]

The special tonight is the beef carpaccio.

[Lily Sullivan]

With the Venmo debit card, you can turn the basketball game tickets your friends.

[Tim Baltz]

Paid you back for into a romantic dinner that you can earn up to.

[Lily Sullivan]

5% cash back on. Use your Venmo balance to pay for the things you love to do. Visit Venmo Venmo Me debit to learn more. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A.

[Mary Sohn]

Pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated.

[Lily Sullivan]

Terms apply. DOSH cash back.

[Tim Baltz]

Terms apply.

[Lily Sullivan]

The quarter pounder with cheese has many great things. Maple flavored griddle cakes isn't one of them.

[Mary Sohn]

McDonald's breakfast comes first.

[Lily Sullivan]

If you don't know about our flyer deals on Instacart, this message is for you. Flyer deals are like strolling through your favorite store looking for deals, but instead you're scrolling on your phone.

[Mary Sohn]

Because getting delivery doesn't mean you have.

[Lily Sullivan]

To miss out on in store deals like the creamer that doesn't upset your stomach or the pasta sauce that you can't not buy when it's on sale. Download the Instacart app, shop flyers and never miss a deal. Plus, get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes.

[Mary Sohn]

Okay, let's take another call or take the temperature down here. Hey, Randy, my daughter just beat Minecraft and I'm having an existential crisis. The last part is, and the game was over and the player woke up from a dream, and the player began a new dream. And the player dreamed again. Dream better. And the player was the universe. The player was love. Where the player wake up and I'm not quite sure how to handle this. A lot of my dreams have been in Minecraft for the past decade and.

[Tim Baltz]

I'm just wondering if you had any.

[Mary Sohn]

Ideas about how I could deal with this. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Janice.

[Mary Sohn]

Bye. I think she said Janice. Yeah, Janice. I mean, I don't. I didn't understand like, 95% of that. I think you should be proud of your daughter. I didn't understand the dream stuff. She dreams in Minecraft.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that what she was saying? I don't know Minecraft at all, but I thought she was saying, the way the game ends is you find out you're in a dream. Or was that my misunderstanding?

[Tim Baltz]

That's right, Stu.

[Scott Aukerman]

I felt like I was listening to my own little edible K hole the other night. Or I was like, well, if it is Batman Forever, then you wake up from Batman Forever, then you're still in Batman Forever. And no matter what, you have to be Batman because you're saddled with this trauma you had when you were a kid. So every new movie we could change the Batman actor. He is still sad and alone. Fuck.

[Mary Sohn]

Dang. Pretty heavy stuff for a K hole.

[Tim Baltz]

This is reminding me of the time that we did Whip it at Marky P's house and we kept saying, this is the best I've ever felt. Do you remember? And then in between each Whip it, we were like, no, I'm on a new level of feeling good. And then we always wondered, like, what? How do we get back to that place? And I think, like, this lady is saying that in the end you notice that where you're at is the best place.

[Mary Sohn]

I hope that's something she could teach her daughter, you know, because if you get that hot, if you beat Minecraft and you get that high as a child, life is downhill from there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're telling me. I mean, I used to. My whole personality was that I could get 2.5 million on Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 at the Venice beach level. And after that, it was like, now what? You know? And I had dropped out of school for a little bit and just tried to find myself, because that was kind of it for a few years.

[Mark Padovano]

I hear you just spammed Benihana's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh?

[Mark Padovano]

You just spammed the Benihana special move.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, that's what you do because you figured out a hack. I do it by shifting my move, so I'm always getting the highest point score.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. Do you see what he's calling you out on, Mark? He's saying that you.

[Mark Padovano]

I don't.

[Mary Sohn]

You're exploiting the system.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's more fun to do it with skill than to find they built it.

[Mark Padovano]

Into the system to exploit.

[Mary Sohn]

No, this is haphazard. You're like, it's a cheap way to rack up points is what he's saying.

[Mark Padovano]

No, you do the Benihana in Venice in the corner, and it glitches. It glitches. You get like, 3 million.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is why you got kicked out of the Q and A for Tony Hawk's documentary. Okay, we can't get into this argument.

[Mary Sohn]

Again, but, Stu, I know what you're talking about. Like, the first time. The first time I beat Tyson in Tyson's punch out in the first round, I was like, it's over.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is it.

[Mary Sohn]

What else can I do? Like, I'm not going for the world record, you know, because I'm not like, a speed freak, but still. Like, I don't think I've reached that high since.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's the. There's a photo of you that's the happiest I've ever seen you. This huge smile on your face. You're holding your arms up, like, grinning ear to ear.

[Mary Sohn]

Took three weeks for my dentist to unlock my jaw. I had to sleep with a towel taped to my face because flies kept just flying into my open mouth. And I had a squirt bottle. I would just lift the sheet up and I'd squirt my mouth to try to rehydrate it.

[Lily Sullivan]

I'm literally about to throw up. Sorry, I just had to pop in. That's so fucking disgusting, what you were saying.

[Tim Baltz]

Flies.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, flies popping into your mouth in the middle of the night.

[Mary Sohn]

Okay, you open your mouth for three weeks and see if flies don't go in there. I'm sure worse things than that were going in there, you know, spiders, silverfish.

[Lily Sullivan]

Silverfish.

[Mary Sohn]

The worst things that I've ever entered my head are your lies.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, my God, you're sick. I literally have never lied in my entire life.

[Mary Sohn]

That's a lie right there.

[Lily Sullivan]

Literally never.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's something that I would never be proud of. That's inhuman. That's robotic.

[Lily Sullivan]

That's just me. It's like my cute thing. Just the Lord blessed me this way.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, let's take another caller. This is apologize for not knowing enough about Minecraft. Hey, Randy, it's Jordan here, my ex girlfriend. We broke up three months ago, and she just recently started texting me, apologizing and wanting to get back together.

[Lily Sullivan]

Sorry about that.

[Mary Sohn]

And I've kind of already moved on, but still kind of crazy about her.

[Tim Baltz]

But I don't really trust anything that she's saying.

[Mary Sohn]

And I really like the other women that I've been with, so I don't really know how to feel or how to move on. I could really just use some advice. Also, I'd like to stay anonymous. What? He used his full name. I guess we gotta bleep that out at the beginning. He did. I mean, that's a lot of details. Actually, we should probably bleep that out at the beginning.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to give you too much work to do, but I always thought instead of bleeping out names, you should just make up a name and say it over his name.

[Tim Baltz]

That is genius.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, I'll be like. I'll be like. This is. I'm like, Dr. Touch It. So this guy's Dr. Touch It. Okay, so this. So he's. He's like, I'm over her, and I don't want her to come, but I'm still, like, crazy about her. So you're not over her. He's not over her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I can tell you're mad at him. And you know what it is? I hate to, you know, therapize you right here. You're projecting. He's gone through your life and you're mad at him. Cause you're mad at yourself.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, no. Welcome to the randy verse. In another universe, I'm Dr. Touchett. Okay, yeah, I guess so. But it sounds like the nectar is so good and he wants another taste.

[Scott Aukerman]

But he's been loving the ladies he's been with. That might be the difference between him and you is you really were striking out.

[Tim Baltz]

That's right. Think about, like, if you've had a cat puke. Tostada, taquito, small taco.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we know, Mark.

[Lily Sullivan]

Buffalo, taquita, Doritos. I don't know how many times I have to say it.

[Tim Baltz]

Right. The point is, is when you only eat that and then you go hang out with some other foods that taste much, much better and you don't get a stomach ache.

[Lily Sullivan]

Possible.

[Tim Baltz]

I can understand sometimes you feel the craving, but you gotta move on and get your veggies in there.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, that's true. I guess veggies aren't as exciting as this little taquito cat puke thing.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah. Do you guys smell it? I'm bringing it in right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yum, yum, yum.

[Tim Baltz]

Oh, God.

[Lily Sullivan]

Dig in it.

[Mary Sohn]

Actually, based on the ingredients, it shouldn't smell like actual cat puke. It'll smell like regular, like, bar food.

[Tim Baltz]

Guys, enjoy Carissa, are your nails wet? It's a strong chemical smell with the cat puke smell.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, so I had my fake nails, so I had to remove them with acetone. So I've been soaking my fingers in acetone literally all day on and off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Between preparing the food.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, yeah. Could you take your hands out of the ground up taquitos? Like you're like mashing them around like they need to be mixed up like a salad.

[Lily Sullivan]

This is how my family has done it throughout the ages. Mash, mash, mash. And then we all go face down. That's how it works, baby. Don't act like you don't know. Randy. You literally. This is the first thing I ever cooked for you.

[Mary Sohn]

I'm just saying, might have something to do with why 3/4 of your family has huge goiters.

[Lily Sullivan]

Don't talk about my family's goiters. Why are you bringing it up here? This is so embarrassing. It's not literally. No one in town knows that they have the goiters.

[Mary Sohn]

Bullshit. They post pictures of themselves on Facebook all the time.

[Lily Sullivan]

This is really embarrassing for me. And I'm going to ask you one more time to just shut the fuck up about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never seen a lip to lip argument like that in front of the.

[Tim Baltz]

Microphone, breathing each other's air.

[Lily Sullivan]

Just keep your fucking mouth shut up. I'm sorry I brought it up.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, okay, fine. I'm sorry I brought it up. They post pictures.

[Lily Sullivan]

Shut up.

[Mary Sohn]

They're not ashamed of it. I don't know why you are.

[Tim Baltz]

God, they're doing this whole thing lit.

[Lily Sullivan]

Literally, like, if you say one more, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Like this whole little podcast is fucking done.

[Mary Sohn]

I'm just saying, like, they, like, for everyone's birthday, they're always like, consider a donation to the American goiter society. Shut. I'm just. This probably has something to do with why they have all have goiters.

[Lily Sullivan]

Shut up and eat the buffalo cat puke.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, guys, well, I'm pretty hungry. I'm just gonna take a little bit here.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, see, it's good. Spicy. All right, I'm gonna be in the other room. I'm gonna kind of go through just some. Some of Mark and Randy's stuff, make sure it nods.

[Tim Baltz]

You all right, man?

[Mary Sohn]

I'll take a drink of water.

[Lily Sullivan]

It's good, isn't it?

[Mary Sohn]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I just watched like a visual metaphor. In spite of everything, he knew about the food she made. He ate it and it made him sick immediately.

[Lily Sullivan]

That's True love. That's true love. I actually overheard the caller, and I just want to say to this man, you want her. You want her. You think that you've moved on, but you haven't. You want to be with her forever. You want to be tortured. You love it.

[Mary Sohn]

I say, it sounds like this guy's got a. Got a rotation that popped up in her absence. Add her to the rotation. Make her see how it feels. She was probably making him feel pretty cheap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Mary Sohn]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, a little what's good for the goose.

[Lily Sullivan]

All right, I'm heading out for a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good.

[Lily Sullivan]

Don't say good, stew. All right, bye. I'm not here. I'm not here.

[Mary Sohn]

Ow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't have to walk over my feet. Ow.

[Mary Sohn]

Amber, what do you think of that guy?

[Lily Sullivan]

What?

[Mary Sohn]

Of that. That situation.

[Tim Baltz]

Honestly, no. You know how I feel. Mostly because I forgot what the question was, y'all.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have been. I noticed on your phone for a lot of this. Is everything going all right there?

[Tim Baltz]

I've been texting. Sometimes when I'm around Carissa, I am reminded that I don't want to be like that in my relationship. Does Gerald bother me? Of course. Do I feel frustrated in his presence all the time? Yes. But what am I doing to add or make the correct choice to leave?

[Scott Aukerman]

I gotta tell you something, Amber, that it's hard to say to a friend, you know, because we're so cool around each other. You're a damn catch. Any man in this town would be lucky to have you. And you'd be lucky to have any man in this town that is your age and doesn't accuse you of being autistic when you make normal sensory observations.

[Mary Sohn]

I hard agree.

[Tim Baltz]

I just. You guys know the perimenopause makes me act wild sometimes. And I just feel like most of the guys in this town just want a hot, young thing that they can get pregnant. And that's not gonna happen over here.

[Mary Sohn]

That's okay, though. You know, if Gerald were to get someone pregnant, he'd probably die finding out. I'm just. We're just saying that you should. I think you should expect someone, even in Gerald's position every once a day to be like, dang, you're a catch. You know?

[Tim Baltz]

You don't think that's too much to ask for?

[Mary Sohn]

I don't think so. And that speaks to your standards that you even ask that question.

[Tim Baltz]

Because I feel like I have been taught that you're supposed to be able to do it for yourself, you know, and to ask someone else is Desperate or looking for external validation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I think you are looking for. You don't have the love for yourself. You think the only person you deserve is a rotting old man who brushes his teeth inches away from a mirror, hanging from a belt in a converted water heater room.

[Tim Baltz]

Oh, he's got that water pit going. He doesn't have walls, but he does have a pit.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll tell you what. Do you have a wired Internet connection and access through the game Fortnite?

[Tim Baltz]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's hop on. My Zoom account was paused, so I'm doing my couples therapy over Fortnite right now. So we'll hop on and let me do a little session with you pro bono. We just gotta. We got. We have to be on the battle bus the whole time.

[Tim Baltz]

Wow. You know, you are a feminist. You are a king. You are a feminist king. I. I would love to take you up on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hell, yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

I love your T shirt that says the future is feminist kings, too. It kind of undermines the cause, but I think it's cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Disagree.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, we got to the bottom of that. Let's take another caller. Hey, Randy. I recently got a new tattoo that's gotten infected. I think it looks pretty cool, but my boyfriend keeps telling me to go see a doctor about it. Should I break up with him? Thanks, Ross. Dang. I mean, maybe break up with them, but probably also go see a doctor, I think, like an infected tattoo. Unless you got, like, just a straight line and the infection has made, like, a cool design. You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. How could that. That's one way an infection can make the tattoo cooler. Because that's what I'm trying to figure out is how does it make it cooler?

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, this guy's 3D. 3D. So like an optical illusion, like a. Like a magic eye.

[Tim Baltz]

It brings a tattoo alive. But you know me. I always say, if we're gonna break up with people for infected wounds, then I guess you're just gonna be breaking up every day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you started saying that a little more recently. I feel like that wasn't always what you used to say.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah, within the last month, that's kind of been my thing.

[Mary Sohn]

This is back in the. That sick king worm tongue territory where you think everyone has an infected wound. They don't. Gerald probably does.

[Tim Baltz]

No one. Everyone has one. No, everyone has one. Ask around.

[Mary Sohn]

What do you think? Like, what's the thing? The cleanest, healthiest person, but they also have an infected wound. Is there a part of the body that you think is an infected wound? Like, do you think the butt is an infected wound or something?

[Tim Baltz]

That's one. You tell me, Dr. Touchy.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, I guess. I guess any orifice is an infected wound, if you really think about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it explains the smell.

[Mary Sohn]

Wait, so then. Okay, so if everyone has an infected wound and his boyfriend has a problem with his, then, yeah, he should break up with him. Because it's like, good luck on the open market with. Where everyone has an infected wound.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, if that's the reality where we're believing what Amber's saying. I don't have the research in front of me. But if we all have an infected wound. Yeah, that's the thing, is, you're just gonna find the problem in somebody else.

[Lily Sullivan]

Speaking of infected wounds, here is a beautiful drink I made. Hot, hot broth. This is the opposite of a soda hot, carbonated broth.

[Mary Sohn]

What the hell?

[Lily Sullivan]

Enjoy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I remember when we went to that tiki bar and Carissa had a zombie, and she was like, whoa, what a good name for a drink. I'll make my infected wound. And now we're finally seeing it.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yum, yum, yum. No, drink up.

[Mary Sohn]

That's just nasty.

[Lily Sullivan]

Let me know when the postmates gets here, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, it's.

[Lily Sullivan]

Did you get my Venmo? I sent it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, did you?

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not seeing it here.

[Lily Sullivan]

That's so weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who'd you send it to?

[Lily Sullivan]

T. Stu.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just typed in Stu.

[Lily Sullivan]

Tu.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not my handle.

[Lily Sullivan]

Tu. With the little chick emoji. Like the Easter emoji?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Lily Sullivan]

No. That's weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

You thought that was part of my handle. Was the Easter emoji?

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, because you're always kind of popping out. Popping out?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me.

[Mary Sohn]

You think Sue's like Easter?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm never popping out. I always. First I say, hey, I'm coming into the room, and then. And I'll slowly come in because I've been punched so many times walking fast into rooms.

[Lily Sullivan]

I don't know. I guess whenever I see you, it feels like you're really popping at me. I didn't expect to see you, you know, like that kind of thing. You're sort of there all of a sudden.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not just sort of there. I'm Randy's boy. And you come in when we're hanging out a lot, I think.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, okay.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway, go ahead, Randy.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, well, Stuart announces his presence. Because a lot of times, like, you pretend to be scared when he walks in the room, and you take that as an opportunity to Slug him in the face, which is not okay.

[Lily Sullivan]

I'm just trying to protect myself. Sorry, Stu.

[Mary Sohn]

But you walk across the room when you do that. Like, he walks into the opposite doorway, and then you're sitting down and you go, ah. And then you walk across the room and you hit him.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, I know.

[Mary Sohn]

You're not in danger. You shouldn't do that.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, my God, that's so dramatic. Literally. I'm literally just, like, being a good person when I do that. Like, protecting my family, which is me and you.

[Mary Sohn]

You not even like the smell of this carbonated hot soda. I don't even remember what the caller said.

[Lily Sullivan]

Okay, well, should we take another one?

[Mary Sohn]

I decide if we take another one.

[Lily Sullivan]

You know what, Mark, can you just click that? Then I'll play the next one.

[Mark Padovano]

It was about infected tattoo, by the way.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, yeah. Hey, Randy.

[Tim Baltz]

My name is Ryan, and I. I.

[Mary Sohn]

Work in tech, but ultimately I just design things. And I'm, like, surrounded by a bunch of brilliant engineers who are, like, way smarter than me. They have fancy degrees, and sometimes just kind of being in that environment, it makes me feel a bit insecure.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I was kind of wondering how.

[Mary Sohn]

You managed to constantly be around people who are smarter than you and how you deal with that. Thanks. Dang. Excuse me while I sew my throat back together after getting it slashed. Geez.

[Lily Sullivan]

Such a good question. Such a good question.

[Mary Sohn]

Sounds like Karissa doing a voice. Because what that voicemail sounded like. I mean, everyone deals with insecurity. Am I right?

[Lily Sullivan]

I've literally never felt insecure in my entire life. But, yeah, I can see that for you guys. Especially you, Amber.

[Tim Baltz]

Okay.

[Lily Sullivan]

Uh.

[Tim Baltz]

Oh, wow. I was being raw this episode because I knew my boys would have my back, but I did not ask for this sort of attack.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, sorry. I didn't even know I was doing that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still, Karissa, I've seen you be insecure. I've seen you walk slowly out of the classroom. I remember very specifically, biology class. We were watching Outbreak, and you shit your pants.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, my God.

[Tim Baltz]

And you were wearing a boot cut. And so you were pinching the bottoms. You were pinching the bottoms, and you were walking out like a crab.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because that morning we said, why would you wear a boot cut with Tevas? And you said, it's the look.

[Lily Sullivan]

I have no idea what you're talking about. That wasn't me. That was somebody else.

[Mary Sohn]

You were waddling out like a crab, just like Amber said.

[Lily Sullivan]

All right, Randy.

[Mary Sohn]

Poop was sliding out of it. And I distinctly remember you saying, I'm so insecure right now.

[Lily Sullivan]

Randy. Like, please shut the. It happened. We don't know what happened. Please don't.

[Mary Sohn]

You're lucky we didn't have cell phones back then.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, my God. You're. That would never literally, like, I you. Your boot cut chain.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I.

[Lily Sullivan]

My boot cut chain. But how dare you bring this up? How dare you validate them.

[Mary Sohn]

I also remember Mr. Schnoodagger. As Chris was walking out, he said his catchphrase. That's biology. And that's what prompted Carissa to say, I'm so insecure right now.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, what's that? Oh, my phone is ringing in the other room. I gotta go take a call. Call. It's probably a business call.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're holding your phone.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, no, that's my other phone. I'm gonna go. All right, I gotta go out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's listen. She usually acts these calls out pretty poorly. Let's see.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh. Oh. Oh, God.

[Tim Baltz]

That sounds very bad.

[Mary Sohn]

That's a business call.

[Lily Sullivan]

What? Well, we should probably make sure that we sell them. We're gonna have to sell it all. And I'll be there as soon as I possibly can. I. What? What a day in the office. Okay. All right.

[Mary Sohn]

Bye.

[Lily Sullivan]

Bye.

[Tim Baltz]

Now.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does she think we think her job is?

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, God, that was so stressful. That was such a bad call.

[Mary Sohn]

That was from your office job?

[Lily Sullivan]

Yep. Remember, got hired at an office and.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to go there and sell it all.

[Lily Sullivan]

It's a finances thing. Yeah, we gotta sell all of the stuff, all the papers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I hope you make at least.

[Tim Baltz]

$18 plus tip and also 96 plus tip as well.

[Lily Sullivan]

I sent you the minimum. All right. Okay, I'm gonna go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, I've been insecure before. I'll say to this caller and to you, Randy, because you were looking little support on insecurity. I'm probably at one of the most insecure points in my life right now.

[Mary Sohn]

Right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Tim Baltz]

You don't look at and not at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I put in an offer on three houses and they said I couldn't even get pre approved for a loan. So I'm realizing that my lifestyle. I thought you could just put in an offer and just scrape the money together.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah. How much were you ready to put down?

[Scott Aukerman]

Whatever the bank would give me. 40k, 50k, whatever. But they said it doesn't work that way. You have to show us your taxes and stuff like that. But I. I take all my payments and V Bucks. Epic games Fortnite. V Bucks right now.

[Tim Baltz]

You can't do that, Stu.

[Mary Sohn]

But this is just a learning opportunity. You didn't know this stuff. Like, you'll learn from it. You'll move on. You're still a confident guy. I look at you sitting there in a tuxedo shirt with a fedora that's not quite big enough to fit around the edges of your head. And I think this guy rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you find a fedora this cool and they don't have the right size, it doesn't matter. It'll still look cool, too.

[Tim Baltz]

You make it work.

[Mary Sohn]

You rock it.

[Tim Baltz]

I love that. You put two little slits on the sides. You can pull it down a little harder.

[Scott Aukerman]

It looks good not only to pull it down harder, but part of that is it's really hard for me to remember what the front of the fedora is. So the slits kind of help me go, oh, these are the sides.

[Tim Baltz]

There you go. You put the stew in. Investigator.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, hey, thanks for gassing me up, but it's like, you know, this town, you know, it's hard to date if you don't have any, like, living prospects, if you have roommates and stuff like that. So it's just been tough for me.

[Tim Baltz]

God, that's crazy to hear a legend like Stu sit over here and say he's got insecurities.

[Mary Sohn]

Well, you need to gas yourself up, Amber. You know, if you didn't have Gerald calling you autistic every time you said you smelled something, you'd be one of the most confident people that I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely. I mean, we used to run this town for seven years after prom. We were always at prom.

[Tim Baltz]

You would be showing up in that same tuxedo shirt year after year.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they. Everyone thought it was funny. You could sell a good amount of whatever airplane sized alcohol you had. For me, it was usually Goldschlager. And you're the king of the school for so long, and now you go back and it's like you're not even allowed on campus anymore. They check your ID to see if you're a student.

[Tim Baltz]

Right. They say, you can't bring that Bacardi vanilla in here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Tim Baltz]

And I'm like, oh, because last year prom, you could.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. They're like, no, it wasn't that you could. It's just that no one noticed.

[Mary Sohn]

Remember senior year of prom when all we could score was Bacardi pepper? God, that was awful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, because it was like the Bacardi that they thought people were gonna pair with their Italian dinners.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah.

[Tim Baltz]

Sort of tomato based drink.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. Remember those commercials? The commercials were always like, dad, what's for dinner? And it's like, what do you think? A big deep dish pizza and chicken parm. And it's like, oh, that's so awesome. Thanks for cooking that on my 21st birthday. Hey, I got another surprise for you on Italian vodka. That's a family. Just, like, doing shots one after another and passing out while the Mob hit soundtrack plays. I think one of the better commercials of our childhood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really good.

[Mary Sohn]

But it made for a terrible prom. We didn't have anything to pair it with.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. That was the issue. Yeah. Is we. We didn't have a proper pairing for the palate of the Bacardi Pepper.

[Tim Baltz]

We tried to mix it with the one bottle of Becks. The one bottle of Becks I had to slap up on the sidewalk so I could breast it open.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. That's what breasted beers open, y'all.

[Tim Baltz]

Man, who would have known? I would have messed up so many of the muscles in my breast. Who would have guessed? I gotta stop doing that, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

You still doing it.

[Tim Baltz]

I'm showing off. I love the hot dog. I love the hot dog at a party. Like, oh, no, we can't open this, Amber.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the shock to me. Is it messed up muscles in your breast? Because I didn't realize you were using muscle to get it open.

[Tim Baltz]

I gotta use my pectoral muscles to get. Catch it. Catch it and flip it. Oh, God, what was I thinking?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, we were loving it at the time. I'll tell you that much.

[Tim Baltz]

I just remember Snutzoid's wall of absolute bottles. He had absolute pepper. Absolute limon.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely fabulous. I think was up there.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, yeah. That was a promotional. One promotional giveaway. That's the only one that still has the alcohol inside because I can't tell what the flavor is. So I don't wanna.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you don't wanna be shocked. You won't eat a mystery jelly bean. You want to know what you're tasting when you put it in there.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. Cause it might be, you know, when Harry Potter eats the boogers. Or Ron. It's probably Ron.

[Tim Baltz]

Ron's ass over here eating slugs and whatnot.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. Ron's the schlamazel, right? Or is he the Schlemil Schlamizel? He's the Schlmeazel Schlmezel. Yeah. Okay.

[Lily Sullivan]

Schlamizel. And Schlamazel is the.

[Mary Sohn]

I know what it is, Carissa. I just misspoke.

[Lily Sullivan]

All right, that's it.

[Mary Sohn]

I'm going back one time when we had sex. She called out Ron Weasley's name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Full name?

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, like I was Ron Weasley.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was like picturing Ron.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Instead of you.

[Mary Sohn]

I was a low point for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you talk about it afterwards?

[Mary Sohn]

I was like, please don't ever call me any of the Weasley children while we're having sex.

[Scott Aukerman]

The whole family. Not even the one that Donald Gleason ends up playing.

[Lily Sullivan]

I said, what about Ginny? Because Ginny's hot. And he said, okay baby, Ginny. And then we tried it, but you.

[Mary Sohn]

Would only call me ron Weasley and Mr. Weasley.

[Lily Sullivan]

Right. And then I was calling you the. What was that one teacher who looked like a rat who became a rat.

[Tim Baltz]

Peter Pettigrew.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, him.

[Mary Sohn]

Dang. Amber, go off.

[Tim Baltz]

Gerald wants me to read his book, so I'm on five.

[Mary Sohn]

You mean his fan fiction accompanying books.

[Tim Baltz]

Right. I never even read Harry Potter. I'm just reading his bullshit. And he didn't change. Changed Peter Pettigrew's name, although he changed everyone else's name. I'm like, you don't have to. In fan fiction you keep it the same. But he changed it. Hori Pinter.

[Mary Sohn]

Hori Pinter.

[Tim Baltz]

Hairy Mine 9. Grandeer.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are different character names. Hori Pinter, Harry, Mine and Grandeer. Who's grandeer.

[Lily Sullivan]

Is Grandeer instead of Granger. Grandeer instead of Granger. Harry. Mind. Harry Mind. None. John Deere.

[Scott Aukerman]

The point of fan fiction is not thinking of new names.

[Tim Baltz]

But then came Petty Pettigrew. The same.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. With this. It's the same exact story. He's only changed the names of the characters in some specifics.

[Tim Baltz]

He's like I, I only worked on this for like a week and I'm done. Like yeah, because it's the exact same story. He loves to show off his typing skills.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. I love all those Mavis Beacon certificates he's got framed and put up on his office wall.

[Tim Baltz]

Right in those like where you're supposed to put like basketball cards. He's got his stupid ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't think they'd give you a certificate for 480 words per minute.

[Mary Sohn]

Cuz it's not. None of the words are, are, are spelled correctly. It's just smashing both hands on the keys as fast as you possibly can.

[Tim Baltz]

Oh yeah, he's playing whack a mole with those things.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, let's take another caller. Oh Lord. Hey Randy, my name is Edmund, I'm from Michigan and ever since I could remember I've. I've always wanted to run my own business. I dream about it, I think about it while I'm awake. And those are really the two main headspaces. I think about it. But anyways, the scandal comes in when I start talking to my neighbor across the street, and he starts saying that I don't have the charisma to start my own business or to run my own business, even though I think of it while I sleep and I'm awake. So I was just curious, what kind of business should I start? Thanks, Randy. I mean, fuck your neighbor, man. Yeah, if you're thinking about it while you're awake and you're dreaming the two ways that you can think about something, then you're doing something right. Also, like, you're not charismatic. Oh, you think? You think Bill Gates is charismatic? No. You know, like, most of the, like, the biggest names in business ownership are like, like, gigantic nerds with negative charisma. You could do this, dude.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah. You think Elizabeth Holmes got there because she was. Had a dazzling personality, you know? No, she had a low voice and a messy bun.

[Lily Sullivan]

But I love Elizabeth Holmes.

[Tim Baltz]

Oh, God.

[Mary Sohn]

The ultimate kryptonite.

[Mark Padovano]

Me too.

[Mary Sohn]

Low voice, messy bun. Yeah, of course you do. She's a con artist. Bark.

[Mark Padovano]

Bark?

[Mary Sohn]

Bark.

[Mark Padovano]

You call me Bark?

[Mary Sohn]

No, I said Brandy.

[Lily Sullivan]

How dare you call him Bark.

[Mary Sohn]

I didn't call him Bark. I said she's a con artist, Marc. Mark.

[Mark Padovano]

You heard that, right?

[Lily Sullivan]

I heard it. I heard it.

[Mark Padovano]

You heard it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dude, I don't know why it matters. I think he wasn't why it matters.

[Mark Padovano]

He called me Bark.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it might have been an accident. What's your own here? If you find out he called you.

[Mark Padovano]

Bark because my name's Mark.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, we know.

[Tim Baltz]

Got it.

[Lily Sullivan]

I got your back, Mark.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Mary Sohn]

I didn't forget that your name's Mark. I called you Mark. It just sounded like Bark to you.

[Mark Padovano]

But that's fucked up. Like, why would you say it? Like, why would you make me think you call me Bark?

[Mary Sohn]

Mark. Trying to pick a fight, Mark.

[Scott Aukerman]

Focus on leisure suit. Larry.

[Lily Sullivan]

Mark's really fired up right now.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. Zip your pants up and go back to the game.

[Mark Padovano]

Love for sale.

[Mary Sohn]

Amber, you're a business owner.

[Tim Baltz]

I feel like I'm on drugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I don't know what's in that. Damn Taquitos.

[Lily Sullivan]

Wow. You guys finished them. Oh, my gosh.

[Mary Sohn]

Wow.

[Lily Sullivan]

They're all gone.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, we finished them. Hey, don't tell her. I put it in the trash next to the sofa.

[Tim Baltz]

What? Actually ate one.

[Mary Sohn]

You ate one? I ate a bunch what do you mean by one? You mean a scoop?

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah.

[Lily Sullivan]

Wow, you guys really went face down on these. Boy, oh, boy. I'm gonna have to make you another batch.

[Mary Sohn]

No, we're good. We're good.

[Lily Sullivan]

Don't worry. I'll get the blender going.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you guys ate some after we made it pretty clear that it was dog in there.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. Amber. Mark, why'd you. I'm hungry.

[Lily Sullivan]

Ugh. My dad just called. He actually got another buffalo, so we're gonna get it fresh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy.

[Mary Sohn]

Check the next door app. Someone just lost a big dog.

[Lily Sullivan]

That's a big one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I am hearing some reports of gunshots outside of the apartment building, which I don't know why a buffalo would be roaming around the exterior of Miss Misty Meadows, which I don't think is. I think that's a Fortnite place, is.

[Mary Sohn]

What I'm thinking of all the Fortnite names, things after real life places. Oh, that might be why, like, Fortnite itself is. That means two weeks.

[Lily Sullivan]

Whoa.

[Mary Sohn]

A fortnight, right? No, four score. No, that's four score. Fortnite is. But it's a unit of measurement. A fortnight. See you in a fortnight, remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I say it to all my clients. I'll see you in Fortnite.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, that's from, like, Beowulf or something. It's always like, all right, Beowulf, see you in a fortnight. No, Grendel. Okay, Grendel, see you in a fortnight. This ain't over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Beowulf's constantly kind of shit talking. Grendel. Or at least in our little play that we did of Beowulf to get an A plus and an extra cost.

[Tim Baltz]

And the whole project was just so tomorrow. And then we kept showing up. Pretty cool.

[Mary Sohn]

But back to this caller. I think this guy sounded charismatic. You got charisma. I think you can do it. I don't know what your business idea is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. That's a big deal. But, I mean, now people are just selling NFTs and stuff like that. Your business could just be an ugly picture of an animal, and you can make some money off of that. That.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, just a big dog. This picture of a big dog before Carissa's dad got to it. There's an NFT for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just all animals not knowing what there's. What their fate is.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, this, dude, we. We got you, dude. You're charismatic enough. Go for it. Keep dreaming. Hey, Randy. My name's Sean. I thought I'd call and say hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Ask for some advice. So this is going to sound outlandish, but my dad recently. And I have text proof from my brother here.

[Mary Sohn]

I'll just read the text. Talk to dad. Yesterday, he bartered a silver half dollar for a skunk scent glands on Craigslist the other day to hypothetically ward off roving bands of miscreants after the societal collapse. Yes. I can send text proof if you need it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is not fake. All right.

[Mary Sohn]

Bye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bye.

[Mary Sohn]

Thanks, Randy. I mean, I didn't catch the part where he wanted advice. I think he just read the text. Yeah, he wants sympathy for, like, your dad. I don't know. Believing in accelerationism and thinking society's gonna collapse. Like, this is tough stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, one thing I'm learning from these calls is, and I see this a lot in therapy is we think that, like, the basic facts of our life don't need more context. But I need a million more pieces of context.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. Like, where does the dad live?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

Bartering. I mean, you used currency, right? Silver half dollar. So I think you just paid for skunk's glands. Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It feels like your dad was maybe just playing Morrowind or something like that. That.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, Stu. Not everyone's playing Morrowind.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. That's why I had to switch over to Fortnite.

[Mary Sohn]

Like, this guy thinks that a skunk's gland. Well, so his. I mean, if he's, like, covered at the outside of his house with, like, skunk scent, then his house probably smells bad, too. He probably smells like skunk, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, absolutely. I mean, the skunk glands, you don't want to mess with. I think I know that pretty heavily from experience with the senior prank where we tried to skunk the whole school, and I ended up skunking my backpack as my mom was driving me, and it stank so bad that she accidentally flipped the. The Explorer because it was. They had the Explorer recalls, and it ended up.

[Tim Baltz]

Your mom was so upset because she had waited for the Eddie Bauer interior, then when you guys flipped it, it ripped it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Mary Sohn]

She was in that neck halo for, like, six months.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was. Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

And she. And she couldn't wash because of it, so she smelled like skunk for, like, six months.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. And she couldn't. She couldn't wash. She couldn't work because she's a tennis line judge.

[Mary Sohn]

You think she would be able to. They just put her at one spot where she's looking directly at the line, and she can't move. You think it would have made her better at her job they tried it.

[Scott Aukerman]

She kept getting hit by the ball. She never knew it was coming.

[Tim Baltz]

A fine woman like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Mary Sohn]

So fine. But it improved her posture. I mean, in the long run, it probably added a couple years of hotness to her life.

[Tim Baltz]

That's true. And remember, Carissa kept saying she was wearing it for attention. That was a rough time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Carissa thought some people's grandpas died for their grandkids attention. I remember that being a thing at a lot of the funerals.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, you're sad. Yeah, I know. It's because your grandpa died for attention. So that you could be sad right now. So we could come over and tell you it's all right and we're sorry for you.

[Lily Sullivan]

Are you guys talking about me? I thought I heard my name.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, we are.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, okay. I was just gonna say I heard the call.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you either hang out in the room or don't, but clearly around your ear, there is, like, an outline of a cup that you're putting to the wall to hear our conversation.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, well, that's how you hear in other people's rooms. You use a paper cup. It works every time.

[Mary Sohn]

All right. Yeah, but, like, also, the door is open.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, I was hiding behind the couch for a little while, too.

[Mary Sohn]

Stu's right. Just. Just sit here.

[Lily Sullivan]

Okay. I have advice, I think, with, like, a dad like this. Like this. First of all, this story. I think this guy wants attention. I think it's all completely made up, and I think he's sort of calling in because he wants us to somehow care about him. And it's. It's like, babe, like, just go get a weird haircut. Go get a fucked up tattoo. You'll get attention that way and it'll be easier.

[Mary Sohn]

He's not.

[Lily Sullivan]

I mean, or steal your friend's iPad that you'll get so much attention about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's.

[Mary Sohn]

He's talking about his dad's behavior. This is not for his attention. Like, he can't control his dad.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, my God, you're so ignorant.

[Mary Sohn]

That's really.

[Lily Sullivan]

So naive and ignorant.

[Mary Sohn]

It's really triggering. First one caller basically says, like, hey, you're a dumb guy. How do dumb guys like us deal with smart people? And now you're calling me ignorant, Like, I don't need this.

[Tim Baltz]

No way.

[Mark Padovano]

Stand up for yourself, man.

[Mary Sohn]

Hey, thanks, Mark.

[Mark Padovano]

Yeah, man.

[Lily Sullivan]

What the fuck, Mark? I thought you were on my side, Mark.

[Mark Padovano]

I mean, this is between you two, but you've been. You've just been going into my closet it over and over again, like, Rifling through my shit. Well, yeah, I see. See, Randy here, he just seems beaten down.

[Lily Sullivan]

I was going through your shit for Randy. I was gonna see if he. There's any hand me downs.

[Mary Sohn]

I don't need you to do that.

[Lily Sullivan]

What? This is completely normal to do when you go to a friend's house. I was literally just looking at me like, would this T shirt look good on Randy?

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, but it's.

[Lily Sullivan]

I have a pile. I have a pile.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Mark's stuff. They're totally different body types. And honestly, totally different taste, you know, like, mostly jerseys.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, I got some really cool, like, sick jerseys. I don't like Randy style. Randy styles is very bleh to me. But Mark has, like, a very cool, like, rich style.

[Mary Sohn]

Well, so what? I'm gonna wear one of Mark's T shirts that say, mayor Pete can suck my ass.

[Mark Padovano]

Try it on, dude.

[Mary Sohn]

No, I'm not gonna do it for. You're a double xl. You're a double xl.

[Scott Aukerman]

I gotta fit.

[Mary Sohn]

I'm a medium at night.

[Lily Sullivan]

I got you some good stuff. I also got you some deodorant and some face washes. You got a lot of good stuff in there. Actually, if I was hooking up with you. I know we used to hook up for a little bit there.

[Mark Padovano]

We did.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah.

[Lily Sullivan]

But, like, if I was hooking up with you still, I would rate your bathroom, like, 10 out of 10. Like, so many good products.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this just reminded me of that goddamn rating site you started in high school where girls would rate the guys they went on dates with and they would give little advice, and you had a point system for it.

[Lily Sullivan]

Literally everybody got a ticket that I dated 2 out of 10. Just pieces of dog shit in this town.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really ruined a lot of reputations.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, well, that was important. And I think the women in the community, like, I know you're a feminist, too, so you can agree with this. The women in the community really were so grateful. Because then they know, like, there's a lot of duds out there. Like, Amber, you fucked a lot of duds. You get it? It's like, actually, you should have used the rating site more.

[Tim Baltz]

I should have, but I felt like the rating system was unfair.

[Lily Sullivan]

Well, Randy got a high score. You got one and a half.

[Mary Sohn]

That's not high. Two. Everyone was getting twos. I only got a one and a half.

[Lily Sullivan]

Most people were getting 1.2. The highest was two. And that was Mark Padovano.

[Mary Sohn]

I just thought it was. I just thought it was unnecessarily Cruel Duke had 0.5.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that was weighted. That was weighted. There's no way that was spammed. You know, it's not fair because the only people that are rating it are people that want to assassinate your character. And at the time, it was not, like, a weird thing to me to be super into Tool. And I would take women home, and I put on my tool records, and I would play Stink Fist, set the.

[Mary Sohn]

Table for a lovely night. Oh, you want to have sex tonight?

[Lily Sullivan]

Sorry.

[Mary Sohn]

We're going to be making love after three hours of listening to Tool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, because they're so smart. Did you know that, Tool?

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. When you listen to them, do you think that they're smart or do you just hear noise? This is a trick question.

[Lily Sullivan]

I hear noise.

[Mary Sohn]

Yep. Man, I feel better about myself now. I listen to Tool, and I'm like, no, they're smart.

[Scott Aukerman]

These guys are smart. I got a lot to say.

[Lily Sullivan]

All right, whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what you said on our high school date.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, let's take another caller. Hey, Randy, as a single guy, I've been getting ghosted a lot lately, and I was wondering if you have any tips on dealing with that or maybe preventing it. Thanks. Longtime listener, first time caller. Yeah. Pretty easy. You just preempt the whole thing by being like, hey, I'm a ghost, so if you ghost me, I'll find you. Now let's connect for real.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're hoping they know that you're joking there, or is it not a joke?

[Mary Sohn]

I hope that they don't know if I'm joking or not. And I better not ghost this guy. If he's a ghost, he'll find me. But then I lighten the mood a little bit. I mean, I don't do this right now because Chris and I are together.

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, we're very much together.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah. You better not disappear on me because I'm a ghost.

[Lily Sullivan]

Oh, it literally didn't work. Honestly, didn't work at all. I could walk out the door any minute.

[Mary Sohn]

Okay, well, I'll find you, because I'm a ghost.

[Lily Sullivan]

Okay, well, I feel like with ghosting, that's actually one of the ways in which people show you that they care the most about you. Like all my friends. I literally have ghosted all my friends because I care about them.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're exhausted.

[Tim Baltz]

You can't even call them friends. That's just. Well, as somebody who loves to love them and leave them, I do think sometimes it is the most compassionate choice.

[Scott Aukerman]

If someone was breaking up with you or if you were breaking up with someone. Do you want to hear why they're breaking up, or is it just that it's not working out?

[Tim Baltz]

I've never been broken up with. Oh, so I don't know. About the same.

[Mary Sohn]

Don't.

[Tim Baltz]

Nope. Nope.

[Lily Sullivan]

Same. We're the exact same, Amber. Literally the exact same type of people.

[Tim Baltz]

Nope.

[Mary Sohn]

That's not true. I've broken up with you so many times.

[Lily Sullivan]

No, you haven't.

[Mary Sohn]

I've lost count.

[Lily Sullivan]

I've broken up with you, and I've been like, okay, Randy, we're done.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah.

[Lily Sullivan]

And I've said, we're done right now. Honestly, we're done.

[Mary Sohn]

And I've. Usually in those situations, I say, yeah, we're done. Cause I said we were done before you said that. We're done, Randy.

[Lily Sullivan]

We're done right now. Literally. I'm being honest. We're done. Oh, no, you're annoying me. No, you're being annoying. So we're done.

[Mary Sohn]

Everyone's annoying.

[Lily Sullivan]

I literally cooked. I cooked such a beautiful meal for you guys. Nobody said a thing. I'm waiting for you guys to Venmo me for it. By the way, it was really expensive to make. I haven't gotten one Venmo yet.

[Mary Sohn]

We didn't ask you to do that. You made a hot, solid puke, and then you made, like, hot, wet puke for us.

[Lily Sullivan]

And I tried really hard. I worked my ass off in there.

[Mary Sohn]

That doesn't mean anything that you made was quality.

[Lily Sullivan]

And literally, my crab cakes are still not here, so I don't know what the hell is going on, but you guys just Venmo me. It's gonna be $59 each, Mark. You don't have to pay, though, because obviously we took a lot of your stuff, and, like, we're in your house and everything.

[Mark Padovano]

That's cool. You can have some deodorant if you want.

[Mary Sohn]

What?

[Lily Sullivan]

Yeah, I already took some of the deodorant.

[Mary Sohn]

Why was that pointed at me?

[Lily Sullivan]

He uses dove, which is really good. It's like women's deodorant usually, but, like, for men, it's actually much better. We're done, Randy. I'm sorry. I'm leaving you.

[Mary Sohn]

Okay. Geez.

[Lily Sullivan]

Bye. Bye.

[Mary Sohn]

Hit her head pretty smacked her. She smacked her bean pretty good.

[Mark Padovano]

That was crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think she had chowder on her eyes. She couldn't see the way out. She's down. Is she okay?

[Mary Sohn]

No. Let's just leave her. Just leave her. She's breathing.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. That's concussion protocol for sure.

[Mary Sohn]

Let's let her chill. Let's Take one more voicemail while she's just kind of semi conscious here. Hi, Randy and crew. My name is Carrie. I'm from Michigan. My wife and I are raising a little boy. He's 18 months old. And now, I know you're not a.

[Lily Sullivan]

Father yet that we know of, I guess.

[Mary Sohn]

But I know one day you're going to make a great one. My question is, what are the most important things I can teach him so that he can grow up to be a respectful, thoughtful, kind man, avoiding all sorts of deviousness and duplicitousness? A mini snuff, if you will. Thank you and I love you. Of course. This lady thinks I might have kids out there. That's news to me.

[Tim Baltz]

I liked her.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, she seems cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

Sounds like your boy's gonna be great because, you know, you speak so, like, articulately and like, her voice sounded so kind. Like, that boy's in good. He's in good hands.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's a good heart right there. I'll tell. Tell that boy what I tell all women is what I would tell kids when I'm on a date with them.

[Mary Sohn]

Wait, wait, back that up. Will you say that again?

[Scott Aukerman]

You gotta tell that boy what I tell women, what I'm gonna tell my kids when I have them.

[Mary Sohn]

Okay, now I got it. I got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Respect women. That's what you gotta tell a little boy. You gotta raise them from a young age. My book is filled with feminist literature for one year olds.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, you finished your book?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

Yes, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. I finally got through it and it's great. And a lot of people are saying the language is a little forward for one year olds and stuff like. But it's like I always say, it's like Sendak. You treat them like adults. You don't talk down to kids and they'll enjoy it. And how's the art coming for that? I know you were gonna maybe do some of that.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh, yeah. I've been really banging my head against the wall for it. I let Mark take a crack at it and it was a lot of came back with a lot of stick figures with tits on it, so I kind of had to start from scratch again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. I mean, that could almost be an example of, like the bad boy. Like, this is what you don't want to be like, this boy doesn' Oh, I like that. Obviously, instead of a boy, he'd be a chameleon, because all the. Every character is a chameleon in the books, right?

[Mary Sohn]

Which is smart. That's a Great visual metaphor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mary Sohn]

You can actually choose to become whatever you want, but don't let yourself be too influenced by your surroundings.

[Scott Aukerman]

Totally. Totally.

[Mary Sohn]

Sometimes you're surrounded by bad stuff.

[Tim Baltz]

That's right. And I want to go ahead and apologize on behalf of Gerald that he did do the typing for the book and it is just Harry Potter.

[Mary Sohn]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

I haven't opened it up since they printed it. I have to. Man, you. You really insisted on letting him do it.

[Tim Baltz]

I know.

[Mark Padovano]

Grandeer is in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn it.

[Mary Sohn]

Grandeer. Yeah. Fumble Snore finds all the hard crutches at the end of the book. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fumble Snore, Grandeer, and Peter Pettigrew. I saw that. I saw his little note cards with all the names and potential other names. And under Peter. Peter is just a huge question mark. He couldn't think of a single other possibility.

[Mary Sohn]

My thing is, does he think that Peter Pettigrew is a name he came up with? And if so, what does he think the actual Peter Pettigrew's name is? Pumper Snogadoo or something like that. He's like Poncho. Pistorius. Poncho.

[Lily Sullivan]

Pistorius.

[Mary Sohn]

Poncho Pistorius. Sounds like. Like a combination of Pontius Pilot and Oscar Pistorius. The Blade Runner. Sorry to bring it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's all right. I mean, two men who did very bad things.

[Mary Sohn]

Yeah, no kidding. They did a bad, bad thing.

[Tim Baltz]

You guys gotta get the band back together.

[Mary Sohn]

We do.

[Scott Aukerman]

We do. Imagine if. Yeah, never mind.

[Mary Sohn]

Lay down a beat for me. I'll give you two to four bars.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. A cover song or an original?

[Mary Sohn]

A mix of the two, probably.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see.

[Mary Sohn]

Well, I've been surfing through the country on my big old board Trying to find someone who is cool Staying at my cousin's house. He knows what it's like to be just a regular guy.

[Mark Padovano]

Dude, there's a guitar right next to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Let me pick that up. Hang on.

[Mary Sohn]

Hey. Hey, lady, don't come by me. I just ate Carissa's disgusting Taquito meal. Gonna have to ask you to get out of the doorway because the bathroom is behind you and I'm feeling bad. Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta get the.

[Mary Sohn]

I got so much adrenaline.

[Mark Padovano]

That was pretty good.

[Tim Baltz]

Yeah, pretty good.

[Mary Sohn]

All right, I guess we'll call it there. We're on top of that. We're going out on a high note. A huge thank you to everyone who left me messages for the recording of this podcast. We got through as many as we could, and I have to thank my brilliant guests, one of my nearest and dear dearest friends, the hilarious Mary Sohn. You can watch Mary and AP Bio streaming on Peacock and Work in progress on Showtime and you can find her on social media with a handle at Merrill Swan. And my brilliant new friend Dan Lippert who you can find on social media at danlippertcool. You can check him out in the movie Paranormal activity on Paramount, plus on the Man Dog Pod and@biggrande website.com and of course course the charming, lovable, ever funny Lily Sullivan who's so easily found online at Lily Yilly. That's L I L Y I L Y and then you can find Tim Balt on social media by searching his name. Big thank you to CBB World, Scott Aukerman and Brett Morris for making this podcast happen. Thanks for listening and I hope your lives remain free from scandal, duplicity and all sorts of deviousness.

[Tim Baltz]

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[Lily Sullivan]

You don't wake up dreaming of McDonald's fries. You wake up dreaming of McDonald's hash browns. McDonald's breakfast comes first.