Bonus Bang: Tim Baltz, Shaun Diston, Lily Sullivan (Nutz 4 Snutz)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast

Episode: Bonus Bang: Tim Baltz, Shaun Diston, Lily Sullivan (Nutz 4 Snutz)
Release Date: March 13, 2025

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Introduction

In this bonus episode of Comedy Bang Bang, host Scott Aukerman reunites with his recurring character Randy Snuts, portrayed by Tim Baltz, alongside guests Mike Ruby and therapist Diana Deep. The episode delves into Randy's tumultuous relationship with Karissa, Mike Ruby's unconventional plumbing business, and culminates in a humorous therapy session aimed at addressing personal and relational issues.

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Randy Snuts and Karissa: A Rocky Relationship

The episode opens with Scott introducing Randy Snuts, highlighting Randy's ongoing struggles in his relationship with Karissa. Randy candidly shares the details of his seven to eight-year relationship marred by Karissa's unpredictable and duplicitous behavior.

• [05:19] Randy Snuts: “So the first time that you talked to me, I was because I worked at your favorite restaurant, the Domio's, and I used to fill the urinals with ice.”

This anecdote sets the stage for a deeper discussion about the challenges Randy faces with Karissa, including her antics like pouring tequila on his Xbox and causing chaos to provoke jealousy.

• [07:54] Randy Snuts: “Karissa kept breaking quarantine. She was just trying to live her best life while everyone else was staying at home and trying to keep people safe.”

Randy reflects on the strain caused by Karissa's actions, leading to their current break.

• [15:51] Randy Snuts: “How would they quantify that? I don't know how they would measure it.”

Randy humorously questions the management of Karissa's pranks, highlighting the absurdity of their relationship dynamics.

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Mike Ruby: The No Stank Plumber

Mike Ruby joins the conversation, introducing his unique plumbing services characterized by an over-the-top commitment to eliminating odors. Through a series of comedic interactions, Mike elaborates on his "no stank" guarantee, which includes an elaborate and humorous 11-step process to handle any plumbing issue.

• [33:23] Mike Ruby: “I am the no stank plumber. I guarantee I will fix any bathroom situation with zero stank.”

Mike's dedication is showcased through exaggerated steps, such as heavy chemical sprays and disassociating from the mess, adding layers of humor to his character.

• [41:32] Randy Snuts: “So you're making the ads. So how do you're essentially tricking people into clicking on things? It's a trick click.”

The conversation between Randy and Mike highlights the absurdity and hilarity of Mike's methods, emphasizing the comedic nature of the podcast.

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Therapist Diana Deep: Bringing in the Deep Talk

The introduction of Diana Deep shifts the tone towards a mock-therapy session. Diana, a "world-renowned therapist," engages with the hosts in a series of comedic role-plays aimed at addressing their personal issues.

• [60:37] Diana Deep: “All other therapists who have been famous have lived, yes.”

Diana challenges the hosts to introspect on their behaviors, leading to exaggerated and humorous exchanges about their past traumas and relationship problems.

• [65:16] Randy Snuts: “Did you sound like every job he.”

• [66:11] Mike Ruby: “I saw That. I saw that coming right away.”

The therapy session becomes a comedic exploration of the hosts' fictional backstories, with Diana guiding them through absurd scenarios that parody real-life therapy sessions.

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Interactive Role-Plays and Comedic Dynamics

The latter part of the episode features interactive role-plays between the hosts and guests, blending improvisation with scripted humor. These segments showcase the chemistry between Scott, Randy, and Mike, as they navigate through various comedic setups that parody everyday situations.

• [75:27] Scott Aukerman: “I did have to run home and take a shower because there was shit on the cash register.”

• [78:20] Randy Snuts: “Now you're sliding into home and you're feeling all that foam.”

These role-plays exaggerate the characters' quirks and enhance the comedic rapport, making for an engaging and entertaining listening experience.

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Concluding Remarks and Plugs

As the episode wraps up, the hosts and guests engage in humorous "plugs" for their respective ventures. Mike Ruby promotes his new podcast, "The Randy Verse," while Diana Deep encourages listeners to check out her own podcast, "Going Deep with Diana Deep." The episode concludes with playful banter and a final comedic exchange that leaves listeners laughing.

• [85:12] Mike Ruby: “I came on here to launch my latest podcast venture.”

• [90:16] Diana Deep: “I'll send you the bill, Scott.”

The conclusion reinforces the episode's comedic themes, weaving together the characters' interactions and setting the stage for future episodes.

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Notable Quotes

• Randy Snuts on Karissa's antics:
  "[08:19] Randy Snuts: 'That's right. For our new listeners. How long have you been with Karissa?'

• Mike Ruby introducing his guarantee:
  "[33:23] Mike Ruby: 'I guarantee I will fix any bathroom situation with zero stank.'

• Diana Deep challenging the hosts:
  "[61:06] Diana Deep: 'First of all, I think most men are the weak link in the male, female relationship.'

• Scott's humorous reflections:
  "[75:34] Scott Aukerman: 'Maybe that's my trauma also. I watched my dad die at a human waste facility where he died at all. A giant vat of shit.'

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Conclusion

This bonus episode of Comedy Bang Bang masterfully blends character-driven humor with improvised interactions, offering listeners a mix of scripted and spontaneous comedy. Through the dynamic exchanges between Scott Aukerman, Randy Snuts, Mike Ruby, and Diana Deep, the episode explores themes of relationship woes, unconventional business practices, and the comedic side of therapy. Notable for its sharp wit and memorable quotes, "Nutz 4 Snutz" stands as a testament to the podcast's enduring humor and creative storytelling.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

This podcast is brought to you by Hulu.

[Randy Snuts]

Hey everybody. Hulu has a bunch of new stand up specials that are not just funny, they're hilarious. Very funny, Hulu. Anyway, they're launching new exclusive stand up specials from awesome comedians like Jim Gaffigan, Ilana glaser, Roy Wood Jr. Bill Burr and tons more. A new special drops every month and they've got a huge library of stand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Up specials to check out.

[Randy Snuts]

Go to Hulu and get your stand up fix. Now it's survey time. This comes around every five years or so. It's so exciting. In order to support Comedy Bang Bang, we need the help of some great advertisers, not just good advertisers. And we want to make sure those advertisers are ones that you actually want to hear about. But we need to learn a little bit more about you to make that possible. So here's what you do. Go to pod survey.com Bang Bang and take a quick anonymous survey that will help us to get, you know, better. All you gotta do is enter your name, address, phone number. No, it's anonymous. And this way we can bring on advertisers who you won't want to skip. And once you've completed the quick survey, you can enter for a chance to win a $100Amazon gift card. Terms and conditions of course, of course they apply again. That is podsurvey.com Bang Bang. Thanks for your help. Hey everybody, this is Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang. And welcome back to another bonus bang. As you know, these are previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we are re releasing on Thursdays. And this is another part of our Nuts for Snuts series featuring Randy Snuts, of course played by Tim Baltz. And this One is episode 691 entitled Nostank. This originally aired on January 31, 2021 and it features the aforementioned Tim Baltz as Randy Snuts. We also have Sean Disston as Mike Ruby and Lily Sullivan as Diana. Deep in this episode, we learn that Randy and the duplicitous Carissa are on. And also Randy has a new job making trick click ads. It's a lot of fun. If you enjoy this and want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a [e-mail] where you can find every single episode we've ever recorded as well as every live episode. And we're gonna have a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang out on Monday. Until then, enjoy this. Bon. That's one Small step for man. That's another small step for man. This man takes small steps. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Grundlestiltskin. Grundlestiltskin for that incredible catchphrase submission. And speaking of incredible, welcome to an incredible episode of Comedy Bang Bang. That's right. We are now tip deep in Febi Debbie. First Monday of Febi Debbie and 2021. I tell you, I was thinking about this. The 2010s were awesome. For me, 2020s have been total shit at this point. But we hope that you're having a good time at least on this Monday in Febi Debbie. And my name is Scott Aukerman and we have an incredible show coming up a little later. We have a plumber and we also have a world renowned therapist will be on the show. So, I mean, I don't know if there's any crossover there, whether the therapist can, you know, help the plumber with whatever his or her issues are, but we'll find that out. But before we get to those guests, I do want to bring on. He's been on the show before, and to be quite frank, I do not remember how to describe him. He's a person. He certainly is a person. He's humanoid. He is made up of molecules and skin, blood, bile, semen. The rest, boy, the rest of the body gets Professor Mary Ann status there. The rest DNA certainly is residing within his body, but he is our old friend and I don't even know if he has a job, so I won't even presume to say what his occupation is, but our old friend Randy Snuts is here. Hello, Randy.

[Mike Ruby]

How's it going? Scott, thanks for putting all that respect on my name.

[Randy Snuts]

Of course. I would do nothing less when it comes to our old friend Randy Snuts. Randy, remind our viewers why I'm talking to you. Who are you again?

[Mike Ruby]

So I'm just like a laid back, chill dude who likes to mix it up with my pals.

[Randy Snuts]

Right.

[Mike Ruby]

I've been on the show like five times before, so I know, I remember.

[Randy Snuts]

Talking to you, but I don't, I guess you know this is an interview show. This is, of course, humanities podcast, formerly known as the show where we talk to interesting people. And you are sort of interesting. But I'm wondering why a new listener listener would be interested in. I mean, most of our, our guests have something unique about them. Unique New York.

[Mike Ruby]

Yep.

[Randy Snuts]

And you know, you can say like, last week we had a bus accident victim. You know, it's like, oh, not everyone in the world has survived a bus accident. But what is it about you? Why did I. Why did I first talk to you in the first place?

[Mike Ruby]

So the first time that you talked to me, I was because I worked at your favorite restaurant, the Domio's, and I used to fill the urinals with ice.

[Diana Deep]

Right.

[Mike Ruby]

And the reason was that your one job. That was my one job at Dodomio's. But I got fired for filling it with ice while people were peeing.

[Randy Snuts]

It seems to be a hard job to fuck up in that way. But you did it.

[Mike Ruby]

Yep. I'd be like, excuse me. And then I'd pour the ice into their pee stream.

[Randy Snuts]

We know. Yeah, we know exactly how.

[Mike Ruby]

Into their pee stream. And the fun thing about peeing on ice is you get to watch it melt, and it gives you a sense of accomplishment.

[Randy Snuts]

Were you trying to do that so it would melt quicker? So you would have more to do? So there would be more reason to keep you on the payroll?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, exactly. We worked on commission. You'd get paid for however much ice you got melted by people's pee.

[Randy Snuts]

How would they quantify that? I don't know how they would measure it. So I used to see you over at Adomio's, and did we strike up a conversation there? And I said, come on the show. Is that what happened?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, probably. I mean, I struck up conversation with you a ton of times, and you ignored me like Jon Hamm ignores people at, I don't know, whatever booth he's sitting in at Little Dom's.

[Randy Snuts]

That's giving away some secrets there.

[Mike Ruby]

What's up, Hammer? Don't hurt him. He'd be like, get the fuck away from my table.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, please, Hammer, don't hurt him. Boy, have a hard hammer look in your heart, Hammer. Please don't hurt him. He has kids. So you were on the show, and I found your lifestyle to be very intriguing. Essentially, as you described it, you hang out and chill with your buddies. Right?

[Mike Ruby]

That's true. And I tried to avoid needless drama and scandal through the exploits of my girlfriend, who's a known provocateur. Karissa.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. Karissa. So you're still with Karissa. Is that true or is that false or something in between?

[Mike Ruby]

Currently, Carissa and I are on a break. Because she kept breaking quarantine?

[Randy Snuts]

No. What was she doing?

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, she was just trying to live her best life while everyone else was staying at home and trying to keep people safe. But, you know, what else could you expect from a duplicitous devious person like Carissa.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. For our new listeners. How long have you been with Karissa?

[Mike Ruby]

Right now it's probably going on like seven or eight years.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, and what was it, two years ago?

[Mike Ruby]

Probably. Well, let's see. Seven or eight minus two, five or six years.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. I just. I don't know why you said right now. As if, like, am I asking at some point in the past or the future? No, I'm asking right now.

[Mike Ruby]

You know, when like, one person in a relationship has, like a hard start time for the relationship, but the other person is like, I didn't think it was serious for the first four months.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. Okay, so you. You. What was. What was your first date, though, or your first encounter?

[Mike Ruby]

Our first encounter was hanging out in the backyard of my friend Mark Patovano's house.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Was he having a party or did you guys just hop the fence or how did this backyard meetup take place?

[Mike Ruby]

He made flyers for what's known as a bags tournament. And we. Do you know the game Bags?

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know the game Bags. Is it similar to what am I thinking of Donkey Kong? No. What am I thinking of? Cornhole?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, yeah, it's cornhole for people that live outside of Ohio.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. So it's. Okay, got it. So you were having a bags tournament?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, we were having a bags tournament and doing. Doing beer bongs off of.

[Randy Snuts]

Do they call those rips? Beer bong rips.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, beer bong rips. Oh. So we were doing beer bong rips. He. He lives in a one floor house. So the beer bong started on the roof and then people would pour multiple beers and we'd be doing rips. And then if you survived the rips, we were doing Whippets and that's when Karasa walked in the back and I had kind of a dreamweaver moment, and then I passed out.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. So did you pass out from seeing her or the Whippets or what exactly happened?

[Mike Ruby]

Most likely the Whippets, because she's probably like a seven and a half.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, And a seven and a half in what city?

[Mike Ruby]

Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay, so a one out here maybe.

[Mike Ruby]

Ouch. God damn. Coastal elite laying it down.

[Randy Snuts]

So. But a seven and a half out there, that. Wow. Amazing. And then when you woke up and you opened your eyes, was she there or was it a different day and your boys were there?

[Mike Ruby]

It was a different day and my boys were there and they were like. You made quite an impression. Because she loves tragic cases. And I was like, oh, this could spell doom for Randy. And it D o m. D o o m. Yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

So. And then when did you actually get together with Karissa?

[Mike Ruby]

Probably like a week later. Okay, Yeah, a week.

[Randy Snuts]

So that's not going to affect the seven or eight year thing. Just a week.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, but I mean, a week later we hooked up, but then like four months later, she's like, like, why are you acting this way? We've been dating for four months and I was like, dafuk.

[Randy Snuts]

So you didn't know that you were exclusive at this point?

[Mike Ruby]

No, not at all. I mean, I wasn't seeing anyone else because my prospects were dim.

[Randy Snuts]

So it was not that hard for you to say. Okay, well, let's keep exclusy from this moment on.

[Mike Ruby]

That's right. So Karissa got the scloozy, and then we've been, like, seeing each other ever since, but it's been filled with drama. That's dragons.

[Randy Snuts]

List off some of the drama. We've talked about a little bit of it on previous episodes. But remind us what exactly. I mean, Carissa is scandalous. Scandalous, as you say.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, absolutely scandalous. Duplicitous. Devious as hell.

[Randy Snuts]

Right. And what are the things that she's done?

[Mike Ruby]

She poured tequila on my Xbox One and set it on fire.

[Randy Snuts]

That's a combustible alcohol tequila.

[Mike Ruby]

She does a really good impression of me, and she called my mom and said I was in the hospital with lupus.

[Randy Snuts]

What does her impression sound like? Can you do an impression of her doing an impression of you?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, so it sounds like this. So this was what she. She called my mom and she was like, hey, mom, it's me, Randy. I'm in the hospital with lupus again.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, that's pretty good. I mean, it sounds like you were pinching your nose to do that. Does she have some sort of. Are her nasal cavities sort of filled up or why the pinched nose?

[Mike Ruby]

All the opposite. She blew out her septum doing cocaine.

[Randy Snuts]

So it's just free and clear in there. Easy breezy?

[Mike Ruby]

Yep, easy breezy. But it kind of collapsed in on itself. It's a really.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay.

[Mike Ruby]

A real George W. Bush situation.

[Randy Snuts]

Is that what took her down from a ten to a seven and a half?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, probably her collapsed septum.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so what took her down from a one and a quarter to a one out here? I'm just doing. I'm doing the math.

[Mike Ruby]

God damn these left coast elitists.

[Randy Snuts]

Shitting.

[Mike Ruby]

All over the heartland.

[Randy Snuts]

So I'm just Saying it's a different scale, that's all. So you've been with her for quite a number of years and she's done all these things to you and has she flirted with your boys? I can't recall if there was.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, it's non stop flirtation with my boys. You know, it's always like. Cause she tries to keep me jealous, she thinks that I'm my best self when I'm just like filled with rage and jealousy and I'm trying to win her back.

[Randy Snuts]

Do you agree with that assessment?

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, it drives me fricking crazy. And then I go like, buy her gifts and stuff. So yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. So yeah. All right.

[Mike Ruby]

And it turns me into a voracious lover.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay, great. Well, I don't know that we need too many details about that.

[Mike Ruby]

Well, let me give you a couple. Usually I'm just trying to get the job done, but when I'm filled with jealous rage, I'm hitting all the bases. First base, a kiss, second base, some tongue, third base, hands groping consensually, and then home base, the hitting the dinger.

[Randy Snuts]

Maybe that's the Sheboygan home run. But out here I think first base is the kiss, second base is the hands. Oh, the third base is something else. What is it? Well, it's everything but, if you know what I mean.

[Mike Ruby]

Give me the deets.

[Randy Snuts]

I need this stuff.

[Mike Ruby]

I gotta go back to the heartland and use this information.

[Randy Snuts]

I'm just saying that. So you're kissing her first when she's wronged you and then you're adding the tongue, you're going through all the steps, you're running around the bases.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, absolutely. Out of respect, you know, you're high.

[Randy Snuts]

Fiving the first base coach, the third base coach.

[Mike Ruby]

Uh huh. Yep. I'm doing the safe sign to the ref at second base when I slip the tongue in.

[Randy Snuts]

And what is that in the metaphor exactly?

[Mike Ruby]

Well, it's kind of like a power move where you're kissing someone and then you add the tongue and then you take your hands away from the person that you're kissing and they're like, dang, no hands.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so that's the safe side to the ref. Got it. And then once you cross home plate, are all your boys coming out and you're high fiving them?

[Mike Ruby]

No, it takes me probably like five minutes after I've ejaculated to calm down.

[Randy Snuts]

Is that what you mean, to calm down? Oh, really?

[Mike Ruby]

What did you mean?

[Randy Snuts]

So you're hyped up, you're, you're what are you pacing around the room? What's going on?

[Mike Ruby]

No, all my brain cells have evacuated my body, and I need five minutes to remember who the hell my name. My.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. So you're a blank slate?

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, absolutely. I'm a clean skirt.

[Randy Snuts]

You're Tabula Rasa?

[Mike Ruby]

Yep.

[Randy Snuts]

Wow. So we've established, then, what you and Karissa have been up to, so now you guys are on a break. And how did that come about?

[Mike Ruby]

It came about because she kept breaking quarantine. And then we'd come back, and I'd be like, so, where were you over the last eight hours? And she'd be like, I was here. I was here. I was here. I was doing shots with my girls. I was at another, like, you know, bachelorette party. I was visiting some of my relatives who are ne'er do wells.

[Randy Snuts]

So you don't like her relatives?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, and hopefully a lot of them end up in jail because they stormed the Capitol for sure.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, really? So she's okay? Her relatives are of that persuasion?

[Mike Ruby]

Absolutely. They tried to stop the steal, and I was not having it.

[Randy Snuts]

You wanted the steal, huh?

[Mike Ruby]

No.

[Randy Snuts]

What?

[Mike Ruby]

Don't turn this around on me.

[Randy Snuts]

You're okay with the steal?

[Mike Ruby]

No, I'm not okay with the steal. I respect the constitution. I wanted a peaceful transfer of power.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. And that's what you got, isn't it? At the end of the day. At the end of one day. At the end of January 6th. No, at the end of a different day. January 20th. Yes, we did.

[Mike Ruby]

Yep. Absolutely. We shan't get into those details.

[Randy Snuts]

So how did she take the news? I mean, were you guys quarantining together?

[Mike Ruby]

She took it lying down because I said it while she was asleep, and then I ran out with all my stuff.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. Did you leave her a note? Did she know where you went?

[Mike Ruby]

I texted her later.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Yeah, that's the end of that story.

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, I could go into detail about what the text was, but it was pretty brief. The thing is, you don't want to awaken a sleeping beast. And in this metaphor, Carissa is the beast.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. And the sleep is sleep.

[Mike Ruby]

She was sleeping.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

And not wanting to wake her is not wanting to wake her. So everything but the beast. Yeah, he's a one to one.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

So I got it.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, I packed a duffel bag full of my stuff, and then a second duffel bag full of, like, some things for my quarantine hobbies and some, like, puzzles and games and things.

[Randy Snuts]

So now where are you living?

[Mike Ruby]

At? My friend Mark Patovano's house.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, with the backyard where you first met? I mean, that's got to be bittersweet. Yeah.

[Mike Ruby]

He's a good friend.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah. What's he up to during the quarantine?

[Mike Ruby]

He mostly shitposts online. He's kind of a libertarian.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. But a great friend.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, a great friend. Blood is thicker than water.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. And he's okay with you, even though technically you didn't quarantine for two weeks before coming into his residence? He's okay with you staying over there?

[Mike Ruby]

No, I stayed in my car outside his place for two weeks, and then I came inside.

[Randy Snuts]

How was that?

[Mike Ruby]

It wasn't great because it was kind of cold outside and, you know, anytime I had to shower before going to work, he would kind of hose me down in his backyard.

[Randy Snuts]

From a distance?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah. Yeah, at least six feet.

[Randy Snuts]

Wow. Okay. So hose you down naked, or are you, you know, in clothes while he does this? That have to dry then, or what?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, I was in either black or brown boxers. Because I'm like. I'm not one of those guys who's like, hey, guy. Hey, gang. Let's go shower together after the big game.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. Wait, what?

[Mike Ruby]

Well, you know how after the big game, a lot of guys are like, let's pile into the shower, you know?

[Randy Snuts]

What big game? Are we talking, like, watching someone watching a big game? Like the super bowl and then you shower with your friends? Or are you playing a game?

[Mike Ruby]

Is this a West coast elitist thing? Like, hey, what a great Super Bowl. Let's get in the shower, everybody.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know. That's what I'm wondering about you.

[Mike Ruby]

No, I meant like a sports game. Like, you know, like in high school. Like, let's hit the shower.

[Randy Snuts]

And. Is this a metaphor? Like what we were talking about before?

[Mike Ruby]

No, this is real. I just imagine when I was growing up, I just never wanted to get in the shower with guys. What is hard about this?

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so you never showered with guys from In PE Classes? Physical education, of course. Throughout your junior high and high school experience?

[Mike Ruby]

Yes. Correct.

[Randy Snuts]

And why is that? Are you ashamed of your body, or do you just think it's weird, like, I do, that we're forcing junior high and high school students to be naked together?

[Mike Ruby]

Column A and column B. I'm Catholic.

[Randy Snuts]

It's strange, isn't it?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah. I mean, if you're Catholic, why wouldn't you have shame about your body? Sure.

[Randy Snuts]

So you are Catholic?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, how strict are you? How religious are you on a scale of, you know, zero. Being an atheist. 10 being the Pope.

[Mike Ruby]

Okay, well, by west coast elite standards, I'm probably 10. The Pope. By Heartland standards, I'm probably, like, a three and a half.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay.

[Mike Ruby]

Wow.

[Randy Snuts]

It goes the other way. Amazing. So your good friend Mark, he's hosing you down, but now you're in there with him. And Carissa, she tried to contact you?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, absolutely. She comes by and she, like, knocks on the door, and she tries to go around back. And, like, she scaled the fence once, and we had to hose her down until she left. It's a mess because, like, you know, as much as I complain about Carissa, she's got it bad for me.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, really?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

So it's almost like the shoe is on the other foot. If you only own one shoe, that's a terrible problem to have. So you got to keep switching feet. But you're usually chasing her and buying her presents whenever she is mad and undergoes the scandalous behavior, and suddenly you're the one that's scandalous in a way.

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, to her. Yeah. The tables have finally turned on Karissa, and now she knows what it feels like to, like, be at the mercy of someone who's duplicitous and not putting up with her crap anymore.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. I mean, you were duplicitous in the way of you just snuck out the backjack without, you know, ever alerting her to the fact that you were leaving. I mean, that's kind of cowardly, I have to say. What?

[Mike Ruby]

If you had met Karissa, you would never say that escaping her clutches is cowardly. You'd say it's heroic and brave.

[Randy Snuts]

I want her to come on the show at some point.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah. Okay. We'll see about that.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Who knows if you guys are even getting back together, but, yeah, if we.

[Mike Ruby]

Get back together, maybe she'll come on the show, and then it'll be exhibit A for how duplicitous she can be.

[Randy Snuts]

Right. Do you ever. I mean, what are the chances you get back together with her? I mean, at this point, you know, I mean, at this point, it's a health and safety concern for you.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, exactly. I would say I would get back together with Karissa if, number one, she's very nice to me. Number two, I get horny enough. And number three, at least 80% of her family that stormed the Capitol goes to prison.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. So 1 and 2, I think, are gonna happen. I'm not sure about. Not sure about three.

[Mike Ruby]

Amen. Amen to what you just said, brother. I bet 20% of her family goes to jail, and 1 and 2 definitely happen.

[Randy Snuts]

I think 2 is happening right now, quite honestly.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, no kidding. I'm not gonna pan the camera down, but, you know, it's.

[Randy Snuts]

Well, I wish you luck with Karissa. I mean, a romance like that that spanned, what, five episodes you've been on. I mean, our audiences want to know that you crazy kids will get it back together.

[Mike Ruby]

We will. But in the meantime, I've been doing a lot of things. I've been brushing up on a lot of hobbies. I just got into cooking banana bread.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, how's that going?

[Mike Ruby]

Pretty great. Number one pandemic hobby, am I right?

[Randy Snuts]

That's right, yeah. And so. But you've tasted the bread that you've made.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, yeah. You got to taste everything that you make, Scott. Okay, I think that's. That's third base. I think.

[Randy Snuts]

I think number two is happening right now. I'm not sure your. Your voice got very sultry when you said that.

[Mike Ruby]

I'm just saying, you look at a bunch of nasty bananas, it's time to make that bread.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. I guess so. I don't know that I.

[Mike Ruby]

If you know what I mean.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know what you mean. I don't know that I want to know what you mean. We'll just leave it there. So didn't you at one point get arrested at a liquor store?

[Mike Ruby]

No, I got banned. I got banned from working at the convenience store of a gas station because I stole products and got caught by yelling, yoink.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. Every time you would steal something, you would say, yoink. You yelled it, though, before. You told us that you would just set it under your breath. And you said it slightly too loud one time to where the owner heard you, but you were yelling.

[Mike Ruby]

Well, yeah. I mean, the older you get, the bolder you get. So when I started stealing, I was younger, and I was whispering, and then the older I got, the more I'd be like, yoink.

[Randy Snuts]

So in that case, you were okay with the steal?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, yeah. But then the owner of the gas station, he's the one who stopped that steal.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, right.

[Mike Ruby]

I see what you're doing here. You're trying to confuse the narratives and rehabilitate some of these unsavory characters.

[Randy Snuts]

So do you have a job? I mean, you haven't been working, right? I mean, if you've been that tight on quarantine.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, no, I've been working from home.

[Randy Snuts]

Doing what, though?

[Mike Ruby]

Well, initially, I was helping Mark Patovano with his website.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, what's his website. What kind of website does he have?

[Mike Ruby]

He has a website that makes online ads for sports websites, that redirects people to draftkings.com.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so if I'm getting this right, you're on a different sports website, like, say, Barstool Sports or something like that. You click on an ad that then takes you to DraftKings.com.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, exactly.

[Randy Snuts]

But it's not an ad for DraftKings.com.

[Mike Ruby]

No, it could be an ad for, like, are you concerned about your elderly parents? And you'd be like, oh, I'll click on this. And it's like, DraftKings.com. there goes my afternoon.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so you're making the ads. So how do you're essentially tricking people into clicking on things? It's a trick click.

[Mike Ruby]

I wouldn't say it's a trick click. I'd say it's targeted marketing research that hits at people's deepest fears.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so what are the types of things?

[Mike Ruby]

All right, well, definitely worrying about your elderly parents. Sure. Then sometimes we'll use the Chase bank logo, and we'll be like, oh, something's happening with your account. And people be like, huh? And they'll click on that, and they'll be like, oh. Oh, my God. I need to bet on this. I need to bet on this December Minnesota Timberwolves vs Sacramento Kings game ASAP.

[Randy Snuts]

What about the one about the cops hate this one trick to get you out of a dui. Do you make those?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, that was one of Mark Padovano, his first ones. Along with a picture of a fat guy, and then the picture of that guy, skinny. And he'd say, this guy lost 145 pounds. And here's why. Trainers hate him.

[Randy Snuts]

So Mark Panavano is, like, a pioneer in this field.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, yeah. He's a devious guy. He has no scruples or morals.

[Randy Snuts]

So he's devious as well. I mean, he and Karissa would be perfect for each other.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, but he's. He's loyal to me to a fault, because we're childhood friends, and we've never let sexuality get in the way.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so he's never gotten sloppy seconds off something you've been with or vice versa?

[Mike Ruby]

Well, not with me. I mean, he's hooked up with Karissa a ton of times. Every time we're on a break. Yeah, every time we're on a break, he hooks up with her.

[Randy Snuts]

Wait, so he. I mean, to me, that violates the Bro Code.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, man, you're right.

[Randy Snuts]

I mean, he's not loyal to you to a fight. In fact, I wonder if he isn't with her when you're not on a break. And then suddenly, when you're on a break, veil is lifted. You know, he's able to keep it out in the open.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, no, Scott, don't do this to me right now. I'm gonna start spiraling on this podcast.

[Randy Snuts]

You haven't thought about any of these issues?

[Mike Ruby]

No, I'm just happy to have a friend during quarantine.

[Randy Snuts]

Wow. Well, how much is Mark paying you to do this kind of work?

[Mike Ruby]

I got, like. I get $15 an hour.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. How many hours does it take?

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, sometimes it takes 12, 13 hours a day.

[Randy Snuts]

Wow. I mean, this is not a bad gig.

[Mike Ruby]

I'm making really good money right now. Every time I feel insecure, I'm like, hey, that would make a pretty good ad to get someone to click trick.

[Randy Snuts]

I mean, maybe he's paying you just to keep you occupied. Maybe it's worth the $150 to him. I mean, you know, it's better than paying for it the other way.

[Mike Ruby]

Dang. This is devastating, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

I mean, I don't want to bring this kind of stuff up to you, but how many times has Mark Petavano. Has he been with Carissa, like, in the past or the future? I don't know why you keep asking this. Yes. Are we talking about the present? Is he with her right now? Yes. In the fucking past.

[Mike Ruby]

Dang. I knew I'd get shit on on this podcast.

[Randy Snuts]

I'm sorry.

[Mike Ruby]

I do. Every time.

[Randy Snuts]

I'm sorry. It's just my nature to push back on people. Maybe I was hurt myself. I apologize. I shouldn't laugh out at you.

[Mike Ruby]

You're naughty by nature.

[Randy Snuts]

And you're naughty by nurture. You were raised that way.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, that's right. I'm Catholic. We're all naughty by nurture.

[Randy Snuts]

So how many times in the past, then?

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, I break up with Karissa at least three times a year, and Mark's been with her every single time, so.

[Randy Snuts]

Wow.

[Mike Ruby]

Seven or eight times. Seven or seven years. Seven or eight years times three is.

[Randy Snuts]

21 to 24 times. Yeah, and. I mean, that's a. And. And he doesn't have a girlfriend or a wife. Mark.

[Mike Ruby]

He's famously celibate.

[Randy Snuts]

Celibate. Other than when he's with her?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Yeah, that's right.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Yeah. I don't know. This is very fishy. Was he surprised to see you when you came by the house and slept in Your car outside his house for two weeks.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, his words exactly were. Randy Dafuq, what are you doing here?

[Randy Snuts]

That's an exact quote.

[Mike Ruby]

You can quote me on that.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Well, Randy, look, I love talking to you. I'm glad you came by. I'm sorry that you seemed down. I didn't mean to exacerbate that.

[Mike Ruby]

No, it's all right. I mean, this kind of played out the same way that all my other appearances on this have played out. A healthy amount of disrespect. And then by the end, we're good buddies.

[Randy Snuts]

That's true. That's why you keep coming back.

[Mike Ruby]

Absolutely. Once a year, baby. Put it in the books.

[Randy Snuts]

All right, let's schedule 2022 while we're at it. It's like going to the dentist. Hey, do you want to schedule your cleaning for a year from now? Well, we do have to take a break at this point. We still have much more show though. We do have a therapist and God, Randy, out of anyone I know, you could use a therapist.

[Mike Ruby]

Amen to that.

[Randy Snuts]

And she is world renowned, so that is exciting. We also have a plumber coming up on the show, and out of anyone I know, Randy, you could use a plumber.

[Mike Ruby]

No kidding. The depths.

[Randy Snuts]

Am I right? That's right. All right, we are going to come right back. We'll be right back with more Randy Snuts. More comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Scott Aukerman]

This podcast is brought to you by Hulu.

[Randy Snuts]

Hey, everybody. Hulu has a bunch of new stand up specials that are not just funny, they're hoolarious. Very funny, Hulu. Anyway, they're launching new exclusive stand up specials from awesome comedians like Jim Gavigan, Ilana glaser, Roy Wood Jr. Bill Burr, and tons more. A new special drops every month and they've got a huge library of stand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Up specials to check out.

[Randy Snuts]

Go to Hulu and get your stand up fix Now. Experience the flavors of Latin America event.

[Scott Aukerman]

At Whole Foods Market with deals on.

[Randy Snuts]

Vibrant ingredients and zesty creations storewide. Save on no antibiotics ever.

[Diana Deep]

Meat like chicken thighs and marinated skirt steak.

[Randy Snuts]

Fresh avocados plus street food inspired items and more through March 25th. As a small business owner, you don't have the luxury of clocking out early. Your business is on your mind 24. 7. So when you're hiring, you need a partner that grinds just as hard as you do. And that hiring partner is LinkedIn jobs.

[Diana Deep]

Yay.

[Randy Snuts]

When you clock out, LinkedIn clocks in. They make it easy to post your job for free. Share it with your Network and get qualified candidates that you can manage all in one place. And LinkedIn's new feature can help you write job descriptions. Then quickly get your job in front of the right people with deep candidate insights. Find out why more than 2.5 million small businesses use LinkedIn for hiring today. Post your job for [e-mail] Bang Bang. That's LinkedIn.com Bang Bang. To post your job for free, terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Randy Snuts is here. Formerly known as the Yoinker.

[Mike Ruby]

Is that safe to say the little Yoinker.

[Randy Snuts]

What's up?

[Mike Ruby]

What's good? I'm here to Yoink.

[Randy Snuts]

And currently staying over at Mike Patovano. Where does he live?

[Mike Ruby]

Mark Patovano?

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah, Mark Patovano.

[Mike Ruby]

He lives about three blocks away from Carissa and I's old place.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay, great. Good to know. And coming up a little later, we have a world renowned therapist. So that's very exciting. But before we get to her, let's get to our next guest. He is, I already said he's a plumber, but apparently he is commonly known as the no stank plumber. Please welcome Mike Ruby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, Scott, it's me, Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber. Scott, how are you?

[Randy Snuts]

I am very good. It's very good to have you on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so glad to be here to be advertising on your show.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know that you're advertising as much as you're on the show. I'm gonna talk to you if we.

[Scott Aukerman]

A Mike Ruby appearance is an advertisement. Do you understand me, Scott?

[Randy Snuts]

Do we need to hashtag this as ad then right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we should probably do a quick ad read. All right, here we go. Here we go. Well, I was about to have a dinner party only to discover my bathroom was covered in shit. So I called this plumber named Randy and boy, did he give me the runaround. He was talking about estimates and he couldn't guarantee his price. But then I called Mike Ruby. Hi, it's me, Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber. And I guarantee I will fix any bathroom situation with zero stank. We're not gonna give you the runaround on whether it's gonna stank or not. It's not. And it's the Mike Ruby guarantee.

[Randy Snuts]

Nostank hashtag ad, of course, as well. Wow. Incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like how I kind of Michael Winslowed that? I do all the voices, I do the sound effects.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah, I don't know that you were fooling anyone with Well, I could tell it was you, but just putting on a little bit of falsetto.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I don't know what you're talking about. That was sort of like a fully fledged character. I was sort of.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know, usually, like, I've seen Michael Winslow in person, and, you know, when he does the helicopter, you'll be looking at the sky going, is there a helicopter? Helicopter right above me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you weren't looking around going, is there a woman who's having a dinner party? Who's. Who needs a plumber? You weren't thinking that?

[Randy Snuts]

Not really. No. I was thinking, oh, Mike's doing a funny voice. But that's okay. I mean, I just. I just think comparing yourself to Michael Winslow, that's a high bar that I don't necessarily think necessarily. You cleared.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, you didn't hear my flush sound, so I don't know why you would, you know, go ahead, judge. You didn't hear my flesh sound.

[Mike Ruby]

So, I mean, I was pretty fooled. I, like, I thought there were multiple people in the room, and I ran to the bathroom to see if the toilet was stanky.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got up and spray like his hat spun around in a circle as he ran to the bathroom.

[Randy Snuts]

You may have missed it. Then, Randy. Mike Ruby over here was talking about a plumber named Randy that this client called. Yeah, but that's not you, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because Randy's sort of a silly name. You know, you think about Randy, you're like, oh, this guy probably smells.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, no kidding.

[Randy Snuts]

And so you agree with him, Randy?

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, I'm not disagreeing. Yeah, it's short for Randall. That's not a name to be trusted.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah, well, it could be short for Brandy, couldn't it?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah. Yeah. Brandy, A fine girl.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. What a good wife she would be.

[Mike Ruby]

My wife, my lover, my lady and the toilet stank.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys doing a song?

[Mike Ruby]

We know the song. We probably know more than that to the song, but probably.

[Randy Snuts]

But we're not gonna get into it.

[Mike Ruby]

Let's not get into the weeds.

[Randy Snuts]

So, Mike, you promise in your commercial that it's not gonna be stank? What is not gonna be stank. What do you mean? Because this woman in the commercial, and I'm being generous when I say that you mean me. Whoa, whoa. Randy, you took off again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't worry, Randy. Don't worry. It's me. It's me, it's me.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, okay. It sounded like a sexy lady was in my bathroom.

[Randy Snuts]

So this woman, she. What a strange experience for her to walk into her bathroom. And it's covered in shit. And she had no idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's someone that's sort of a worst case scenario.

[Randy Snuts]

Someone else's then or someone.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great question, Scott. You know, those aren't the kind of things I get into for me. It's just.

[Randy Snuts]

You don't care why I don't care.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care what it is. If you want me to deal with your shitty bathroom situation and you want it to not smell, you gotta call Mike. Ruby, baby.

[Randy Snuts]

So what's not smelling about? Do you clean up the shit? That's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want me to walk you through my patented, I don't know how many steps, maybe nine step process?

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. Yeah. Nine steps, let's go. I love that you chose the number and you didn't go double digits, which I respect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes, Scott. Sometimes you over. You say it's like a 30 step process, then you're fucking locked in on coming up with 30 steps.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. No under promise and over deliver.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Scott, first things first. I got to start at my home, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

So you okay? Yeah. That's. That's where the process starts, is you're at your house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Somebody gives me a call. They say my bathroom's covered in shit. Don't worry about it, Randy. That's just me.

[Randy Snuts]

So receiving the call, I received the call. Is the first step.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, we're gonna answer the call as the lady Ghostbuster.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's gonna be part of the steps. Okay, hold on, let me recalculate. I think we have an 11 step process.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. So I answer the call and then step two, hop in the shower.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. You wanna make sure that you're not stanky when you go over there.

[Scott Aukerman]

The first step to being a non stank plumber, Scott, is to make sure you are not bringing any stank into the stank situation, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

You don't want any additional stank in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

So do you rub your additional stank.

[Randy Snuts]

You have a beautiful voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Scott. That is from one of our radio ads. Wow. That I do do all the voices, of course, like Michael Winslow, but yes. So I shower.

[Randy Snuts]

You shower. Do you rub yourself with soap? Essential oils.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I got Garnet Fuertes in there. I got Paul Mitchell shampoos and conditioners, you know, Scott. And then I. I also use Toms of Maine bar soap, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know about that. I think I would switch out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's just with exfoliation, Scott. I get that real. I get that in the crack. I I go deep, deep, deep exfoliation. And I wash my hair a couple times. As you can see, I have a flowing mane of hair.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah, it is. I didn't want to say, but, you know, on the zoom, it looks like. Was that down to your butthole or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right now, it's down to my butthole sitting, but when I stand, it's right above my little butt crack. Okay, but when you have this much hair, Scott, you got to make sure you clean. So.

[Randy Snuts]

And.

[Scott Aukerman]

And, you know, as a. As a plumber who showers all the time, you could tell that my hair is healthy, no split ends.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah. You know, if I were you, I would be like a cyclist. I would. I would shave my body entirely so that there is never any doubt that I would be stankless.

[Scott Aukerman]

You would think that. That, Scott, is a. Is a good thing, but actually, it's not. Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Hmm?

[Mike Ruby]

It's true. It's true. The more you shave yourself, the stankier you get.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. Snuts gets it. Once you shave, you start releasing some of the, like, really stanky under skin. Like, the things that get baked into your skin as you sleep. You know, you shave. It's almost like poking at a dead horse, you know?

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. I thought it would be trapped in a beard or in the hair, but no, it just releases the toxins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, then you just got. You gotta clean that beard. So I brush my beard over a hundred times before I leave the shower.

[Randy Snuts]

By the way, your beard is super long, too. Is that. That's down by the pee hole. I.

[Scott Aukerman]

So my beard is not only on the ground, it extends, like, three feet in front of me.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, wow. So this is like a Princess Diana in reverse.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pretty. It's like a Princess Diana in reverse. I don't even know what that means, man.

[Randy Snuts]

She had a train when she got married that was super long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, it's like a wedding train, but in reverse.

[Randy Snuts]

I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so that's step two. All right. Step three. Okay. I drive there. Now, this is a. This is a really important part. I get in my car, I put up all the windows.

[Randy Snuts]

There's a lot of mini steps within this.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if we're doing, like, an outline, you know, this was like a. And now we're down at the eye section, where it's like. Oh, you know, indented a little more.

[Diana Deep]

Why.

[Randy Snuts]

Why do the windows go up? Because you don't want any of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Outside air, any outside smells, Scott. So not only does the window go up, but I do spray heavy Chemicals inside the car as I drive.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. So it smells like that new car kind of thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

New car smell. Ozium, bleach, Febreze. I spray it all, Scott. And. And the windows are up, and I. I keep from passing out by holding a small cloth over.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, wow.

[Mike Ruby]

Counterintuitive. But that seems to work.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is counterintuitive because that is sort of the chloroform, sort of the way you chloroform somebody. But if you want to make sure that you don't get chloroform, you just have a clean cloth.

[Mike Ruby]

So, Mike, like, what's. Like. What is the smell of all those things combined to, like, make you smell like once you step outside of the car?

[Scott Aukerman]

I call it the Mike Ruby signature smell. Wow. And it is. It's. It's trademarked. And. And I'll tell you, it's not over yet, because when I get out of the car, the final step is I take off all my clothes and spray myself head to toe with Axe body spray.

[Randy Snuts]

Wait, is this step four, then? At this point?

[Scott Aukerman]

Step four.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, great. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So we shall exfoliate. We shower, and then we drive there.

[Randy Snuts]

And drive there, which has a lot of mini steps of the rolling of the windows, stepping out of the car, etc.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now we have sprayed the body with Axe body spray, and now we are at the. We are at the customer's home, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

So. So no one is smelling the Mike Ruby signature smell other than you. Because. Because once you get to the doorstep, it's Axe body spray all the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, the reason I do that, Scott, is I want to train my nose to be. You know, it's. It's trained for a good smell. So any bad smell, I'm gonna pick it out immediately when I walk into the house.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Do you have a. Do you have nasal cavities a lot like Carissa there, where they're just blown out and you can smell everything?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. I did what they call a cocaine simulation with Pixy sticks in order to blow out my septums so that I could smell better, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Because you are. You're a strict. Don't do drugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I would never do drugs, Scott. I signed that DARE contract, and I will never go back on that.

[Randy Snuts]

When you were 13.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was 13, but I was still. You know, my parents were there, so they did a grief. It was legally binding, so.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Okay, so we are now at step nine.

[Randy Snuts]

You should get emancipated from that DARE contract.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's really tough, Scott. We could talk about that, but there's a lot of legal red tape to go through.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

At least nine steps. All right, so step five.

[Scott Aukerman]

Step five. Now I'm in your house. Step five, I'm going to say point me in the direction of the stank.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so you just want to. You just want the direction?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I just want the direction.

[Randy Snuts]

Because north, east, south or west, just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sort of actually hold out two arms and sort of do it at an angle. And I know that the mess is within that angle, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so essentially like a 45 degree, or at least you could maybe widen it out if you put your arms behind your back to like 190, 200 degrees.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you want to really be obtuse with it, you can go ahead and do that.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Scott, at this point, I float off the ground like Pepe Le Piu.

[Mike Ruby]

No way. You love the stank?

[Randy Snuts]

Yes. You love the stank.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, see, I don't love the stank, but I.

[Randy Snuts]

You're just attracted.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm revolted by the steak. It's just my job is to find it. So I have fine tuned myself. So I.

[Randy Snuts]

So what's. What step number is this that you're floating on the ground?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is six, Scott.

[Mike Ruby]

Six.

[Randy Snuts]

This is six.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is number six, Scott. Now, of course, I float my way. Now, typically we're getting to a bathroom, Scott, and typically there's shit everywhere.

[Mike Ruby]

Typically.

[Randy Snuts]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why she would be surprised. You know, you're not calling a plumber for like a simple clog. Like, like you'll call it a plumber for what, like an act of God has gone down the grass.

[Randy Snuts]

You know, I wanted to say that I think a plumber would, you know, and I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I think a plumber could advertise as like the no judgment plumber. You know how like, you know, you're ashamed when you call a plumber because of what they're going to find in there, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Scott, I could advertise that because one of my steps is. One of my steps is to disassociate.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay? So you're outside of your body.

[Scott Aukerman]

I cannot take the smell or like the looking at even talking about poop or anything like that.

[Randy Snuts]

You've been doing it now for the past 15 minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll puke. So when it comes down to the time to actually clean, I disassociate. But before we get there, Scott, before we get there, I'm of course gonna hop in their Shower.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. You want to. Yeah.

[Mike Ruby]

So that's step. So step seven, step six, you find the. The shitty bathroom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Step six is I float like Pepe Le Pew to the shitty bathroom. Step seven, hop right on in the shower. And of course I'll use whatever they have in there. Garden, a few teas.

[Randy Snuts]

You don't bring your own stuff?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no, no, no. Dove body wash. You know, if. Even if they have like a sort of like a manlier one that's like an axe, you know, these are the.

[Randy Snuts]

Things that can be found in other people's bathrooms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you know that I wrote a magazine article that is 10 things your crush might have in their bathroom?

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, no. I didn't realize you wrote that. I don't know why I would have.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a real manageable number, too.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. I mean, I don't know that I necessarily want to hear all 10, but we can circle back around if we have time at the end of the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we are. We are at step seven. And of course, I am re Showering, which is of course rubbing to get.

[Randy Snuts]

That axe body spray off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because the axe body spray off.

[Randy Snuts]

Because you want the axe body spray when you go to the door, because you want to smell good for the humans, right? You don't want to leave the axe body spray smell there, because some people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Might consider that a stank, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know who, but yeah, some crazy people.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you know, Scott, I shower again. I wash up all those smells. I don't need my smell heightened as much anymore. And I hop out of the shower, Scott. I look down at the shit everywhere.

[Randy Snuts]

Is this where the disassociating goes?

[Scott Aukerman]

And of course I disassociate, Scott. And that's why it's step eight, because I disassociate. That's how I remember it.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. So it's hard to remember without it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's hard to remember that you always disassociate when you do plumbing.

[Randy Snuts]

Like what? Step eight. I've just showered. What is step eight again?

[Scott Aukerman]

I disassociate, and then I start looking around and things get blurry, and then I sort of fall over and hit my head on the side of the sea.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, God. Wait, is this step, Step nine?

[Randy Snuts]

No, this is step eight. Still no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Step eight is disassociated. Step nine is hit your head on the side of the seat.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. That's a huge.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a huge part of it.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, well, that's all the steps There are no.

[Scott Aukerman]

But there's 11, Scott, because we were.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. Okay, so two more steps.

[Scott Aukerman]

So step 10 is wake up and hope the bathroom is cleaned.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, well, how often? One percentage of the time. Is it clean?

[Scott Aukerman]

100%, Scott, is my guarantee. I don't know what it is about me, but once I disassociate the bathroom, I'm unclogging drains, I'm pulling out hair.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. So you're waking up and you've done the work. I guess I thought you meant that when you woke up, you hoped the owner came in.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no, no. Like, I do a lot of the work, but I'm sort of drooling and bleeding out of the side of my ear, and I sort of clean things up. And then, of course, Scott, in the event that the bathroom is not clean, step 11, I will burn the residents to the ground.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. How many times does that happen?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, Scott, I'd say it happens around, you know, once or twice a month.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Is that part of the contract they sign when you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. If you want the Mike Ruby guarantee, you got to be okay with the chances. The 1 to 10 chance that I will have to burn your house to the ground because quite honestly, it's just too far gone.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah. Wow. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that is the sort of Mike. The Mike Ruby. 11 steps of no stank plumbing, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

So what I've noticed is there's no step 12 of you going back home. So you're just chilling there.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. So what I do is then I sort of try to assume that I live in this house. House. Because it's gonna be really hard for me to leave again without doing the.

[Randy Snuts]

Whole shower and so many steps. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I live there, and I just forward all my business calls to this new address. And oftentimes the people who live there, when they came into the bathroom and they saw me bleeding from the head, they're like, we gotta get out of here. This guy. They're gonna blame us for this guy's murder, and then I end up taking over the house, you know?

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. Wow. Mike's. That's a very complicated process, but sure is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, are we ready for another commercial?

[Randy Snuts]

I guess so. Go ahead. That's not an orchestra, by the way. Randy.

[Mike Ruby]

What? Sounds like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Well, it was the 4th of July, and me and my girlfriends were having a barbecue, but we invited too many of the men over, if you know what I mean. That means the toilet was Clogged up with. And I called this named Randy. And I asked him, hey, can you get the out of my toilet? And he said stuff like he didn't even know. But then I called Mike Ruby. Hi, I'm Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber. I guarantee. Say it with me. I will fix any bathroom situation with zero stank. We're not gonna give you the run around with whether it's gonna stank or not, because it's not. It's the Mike Ruby guarantee. Mike Ruby guarantee may include you having to burn your house down. Hashtag, no stank.

[Randy Snuts]

Wow, that's pretty good. Wow.

[Mike Ruby]

Wow. Dang, those girls sounded hot. And there was a huge crowd involved. Again, he could have picked any name but Randy, but hey, you gotta give it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go back. Yeah, that commercial was shot before a.

[Randy Snuts]

Live studio audience, actually, and they were totally silent until.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because nothing really interesting happened till Mike Ruby comes out.

[Randy Snuts]

You know, I also noticed quite a lot of cursing in that one. Where does that run?

[Scott Aukerman]

That one's on satellite radio on Howard.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay, That's.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can say whatever you want, Scott, without getting canceled.

[Randy Snuts]

Cancel culture. Is that a problem in the plumbing community? As big of a problem as it is out here.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a hu. Huge problem. Let me tell you what gets you canceled as a plumber, Scott. Having your butt crack out.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me tell you something. If your butt crack is out, Scott, you will get canceled, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

I did. See, I think there's. There's a plumber here in town that promises that the plumbers aren't going to have their butt cracks out.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is. And I'll tell you what, this guy, his name is Mike diamond, and we have. We have a huge.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. It's almost like you're a parody of him.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. Me and this guy have a huge father. We've had a huge father guy, Scott, because, okay, first of all, Mike Ruby, I've been operating in the greater Los Angeles area for, I don't know, 20 decades.

[Randy Snuts]

2200 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a family business, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, I see. Okay. So many generations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Many generations. This asshole comes around talking about he's the no smell plumber. I don't even know what that means. You don't want any good smells, idiot.

[Randy Snuts]

So you're the no stank plumber.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm the no stank plumber. I have no interactions with Mike diving. I don't even know who that guy is, to be honest.

[Randy Snuts]

So you had a falling out, but you've never had Any interactions?

[Scott Aukerman]

I had a falling out. Basically just like legally, like non stop getting papers and people are like, are you this business? And you know, that kind of thing.

[Randy Snuts]

So he's been serving you legal papers?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's serving me legal papers because he says I'm sort of infringing on his sort of clean cut, you know, look, he. This guy says, oh, none of the plumbers are going to have their ass cracks out.

[Mike Ruby]

Out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whose idea was that? Me. I sewed up the top of my ass crack two years ago, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, you did? So you have no ass crack. So it's just. It's like a Ken doll down there.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is like a Ken doll.

[Randy Snuts]

A reverse Ken doll.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like a Ken doll right? Until you get to the butthole.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Where your hair is.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is what my hair is. That's where my butthole is actually existent, where poop comes out.

[Randy Snuts]

I can't even talk about it. Okay? You're in the wrong line of business. I gotta.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you mean, Scott?

[Randy Snuts]

I mean, you're good at what you do, obviously.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm fucking great at what I do, Scott. Hashtag CBB. If you go to Mike, Mike Ruby, the nostakeplumber.com.

[Randy Snuts]

Why are you hashtagging at CBB? That's my hashtag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, interesting. That's. That's so. That's bad. Oh, I guess it's more like a promo code. Promo code. Cbb.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Yeah. I don't know, Randy. You have any, any need for a plumber like this?

[Mike Ruby]

I mean. Yeah, every. Every single day. Because anytime I take a poop, I disassociate and then I fall off, I hit my head on the tub and I poop all over the bathroom.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you have that too?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, absolutely. It sounds like a lot of your clients have exactly that. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to know how I learned how to do this? Is that I was at home. I would be taking a poop. I'd disassociate, I'd wake up, my bathroom would be covered in. And then of course, I had to learn how to clean it while disassociating. So maybe, maybe if you're looking for a job, you know, I might be able to train you up, become the next Mike Ruby.

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, I would love to join the team. Necessity is the mother of all inventions. And I'm not going to stop shitting all over my bathroom anytime soon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that's pretty good.

[Randy Snuts]

So your business has been in the family for many generations. You don't have any heirs that you can Pass it on to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, Scott, I got a lot of relationship hangups I'm not good at. You know, to be honest, I have problems when it comes to women, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Really? Well, you know what? We have a guest coming up on the show who can maybe help you with that. Yeah, we have a world renowned therapist coming up on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do. I came here for a reason, Scott. I do. God delivered me to this podcast because.

[Randy Snuts]

I thought it was just to do two of your ads on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I thought it was gonna be like, am I gonna do some ads? Or maybe I'll talk about the 10 things your crush might have in their bathroom.

[Randy Snuts]

No, we'll get to those, definitely. If we ever run out of steam on this.

[Scott Aukerman]

But the reason I came here was to get some relationship advice. Scott. I'm ready.

[Randy Snuts]

Well, you're in luck because we have to take a break. But when we come back, we'll have a therapist here. And Randy, I think I know you need it, but it seems to me like Mike Ruby over here, who is not to be confused with Mike diamond, definitely.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, I don't know.

[Randy Snuts]

Who is also not to be. Mike diamond is not to be confused with the Beastie Boys. Mike diamond either. Because that's what confuses me. I'm always like, so the Beastie Boys break up and he gets into plumbing.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's crazy. And then also Mike diamond looks exactly like Lou Diamond Phillips.

[Randy Snuts]

So it's nuts, the whole situation. And you, you look like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a really, really old, old monk with long, long hair down to the ground.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. The TV show Monk. We should say Tony Shalhoub.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I look like Tony Shalhoub with a big, beautiful.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah, well, we're gonna come right back. When we come back, the world renowned therapist Diana Deep will be with us. Obviously you guys know who she is. So we'll get all of our problems ironed out when we come back. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this. Flexibility, right? Flexibility in when and how you get your tasks done. It's important to you. With stamps dot com. Those tedious tasks like sending certified mail, invoices, checks or documents and packages can be done on your own time, not on someone else's. Take care of mailing and shipping wherever you are. Even on the go with the stamps.com mobile app. Oh, it's here. All you need is a computer and a printer, and they even send you a free scale. You can easily schedule package pickups through your stamps.com dashboard and automatically see your cheapest and fastest shipping shipping options from different carriers. We've been using stamps.com for over a decade now. It was one of our first sponsors and we've been using it since then. They're great. Have more flexibility. Flexi what is this word? Flexibility? No, it's flexibility. Of course you want more of it, right? We'll have more in your life with stamps.com Sign up at stamps.com and use the code Bang Bang for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts, just go to stamps.com code Bang Bang Cats have always acted like their don't stink now with Fresh Step Heavy Duty's new 30 day odor control it actually doesn't Fresh Step's new Heavy Duty litter fights odor three times longer than the leading brand. This is Fresh Step's strongest litter ever. Giving your litter box 30 days of odor control. Step it up to Fresh Step with the new new Heavy Duty litter three times claim based on fecal malodor versus the leading regular clumping litter. Strongest litter ever is based on odor control. Febreze is used under license from the Procter & Gamble Company or its affiliates.

[Mike Ruby]

Back pain and stiffness made mornings rough.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pain made it tough to sleep until I started Cosentyx Cosentyx Secukinumab is the number one prescribed treatment for adults that.

[Randy Snuts]

Targets IL17A, a molecule that may place play a role in inflammation that contributes.

[Scott Aukerman]

To ankylosing spondyloarthritis or non radiographic axial.

[Randy Snuts]

Spondyloarthritis, two types of inflammatory arthritis of the spine. Don't use if you're allergic to Cosentyx. Before starting get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur like tuberculosis or other serious bacterial, fungal or viral infections.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some were fatal.

[Randy Snuts]

Tell your doctor if you have an.

[Scott Aukerman]

Infection or symptoms like fevers, sweats, chills, muscle aches or cough had a vaccine.

[Randy Snuts]

Or planned to, or if inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, serious allergic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reactions and severe eczema like skin reactions may occur.

[Randy Snuts]

Learn more at 1-844-cosentix or cosentyx.com Ask your doctor about Cosentyx.

[Diana Deep]

I got real relief with Cosentix.

[Randy Snuts]

Comedy Bang Bang. We are back here. We have Randy Snuts here of Sheboygan, I guess. Are you out there in Sheboygan right now?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, currently. That's where Mark Patovano stays at.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. So Just about three blocks from Carissa's place. And we also have Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber here, who.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, my God, my toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, I got you guys.

[Randy Snuts]

I'm just like, it's not your toilet. It's actually Mike.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just, like, doing a sound effect.

[Randy Snuts]

Yep. And before the break, Mike Ruby, Randy told us that some shocking news, that he has problems with women. And we didn't get into it because I wanted to save our next guest for that. And, Randy, you already have established you have problems with one woman in particular and perhaps other women, even though you've been in exclusive relationship with Karissa here for approximately six to eight years or so.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, I got problems all over the place.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. Yeah. So we don't have to focus just on the Carissa problems because you have many and a multitude of problems.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Would you say you have 99 problems and women are most of them?

[Mike Ruby]

Yep, absolutely. And Carissa's out of my life. Otherwise it would be 100.

[Randy Snuts]

Well, we want to bring her on the show. You know her as one of the most famous therapists to, I guess, to ever live and hopefully not die. But, you know, apparently, although I. I don't know that I'm going to die, I've never seen any evidence that I am going to. But I don't know why we got on her dying here, but she is one of the most famous therapists to ever live, and she has her own podcast where she helps couples and people out with their problems called Going Deep with Diana Deep. And hopefully she'll help our guests out here with some of their problems. Please welcome to the show for the first time, therapist Diana Deep.

[Diana Deep]

Thank you, Scott, for that truly messed up introduction about the.

[Randy Snuts]

I'm sorry. Yeah, I don't know why I brought that up, but I.

[Diana Deep]

You know, I mean, really dark.

[Randy Snuts]

Well, you know, I don't know why I even said you're one of the most famous therapists to ever live. I mean, like, of course you are, but of course all other therapists who have been famous have lived as well. Is that safe to say?

[Diana Deep]

All other therapists who have been famous have lived, yes. Yeah. Well, yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

So every therapist from famous to non famous has been alive?

[Diana Deep]

Yes. Yes. Well, let me just start by saying.

[Randy Snuts]

Scott, do you want us to erase everything that we said before you came on here? Because it seems like you're trying to move on very quickly.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, I'm trying to move on, Scott, because you're trying to talk about death, and we can get There. Clearly you have some damage.

[Randy Snuts]

Is that a subject matter that you try to stay away from in your therapy? I would think it would come up every once in a while.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, of course it comes up. Comes up a lot with sex. Comes up with.

[Randy Snuts]

They're inexorably linked, aren't they? Sex and death?

[Diana Deep]

They are.

[Mike Ruby]

Cause you want them to happen at the same time.

[Randy Snuts]

No, no. But some say the orgasm is the little death, as they call it.

[Mike Ruby]

Wow. No kidding. How many little deaths?

[Diana Deep]

It's the healing of the soul.

[Randy Snuts]

I've had five little deaths today, I believe. So put them all together and maybe I might be close.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that why you look like the crib keeper? You know. You know what's interesting is that, Scott, you were saying that me and Randy were the ones that needed therapy, but it's like, I don't know, Diana, sort of. She's sort of tuning into you right away.

[Diana Deep]

I think Scott needs it the most. Scott's clearly the most fucked up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know why you say that. Just because I bungled your introduction. Because I got in my head about why did I say, you know, that you were one of the most famous to ever live? You know, I went down the rabbit hole that way. I don't think I'm fucked up.

[Diana Deep]

You started talking about your own death when you were introducing me, so clearly there's some damage there. That's all I'm saying.

[Mike Ruby]

Okay, Scott. Scott, you at least need a glass of water if you cranked your jock five times already today.

[Randy Snuts]

Who said I cranked it?

[Mike Ruby]

You said you did. You said you had five little deaths already today.

[Randy Snuts]

So someone else cranked it.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, now we gotta brag and keep score.

[Randy Snuts]

I'm married. Good for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, this is telling. So he's having to scream that he's married, which I feel like is telling. Is that right, Diana?

[Mike Ruby]

Good point, Mike.

[Diana Deep]

I do. I think, you know, he's. I mean, he's damaged. You can tell.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, look, let's turn the spotlight away from me.

[Diana Deep]

You know what? Let's turn the spotlight away from you. I want just all your listeners to go ahead and turn off this podcast.

[Randy Snuts]

Turn off this one.

[Diana Deep]

Turn it off and search. Going deep with Diana. Deep.

[Randy Snuts]

You haven't even.

[Diana Deep]

Go ahead and press. Press play. And I think you'll be happier than listening to this.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so I don't know that. Look, I hate to have people with other podcasts on this show in the first place, because it's just bad business to have podcast hosts on this Show. I mean, look what happened with Conan O'Brien. He's on this show, suddenly he's the most popular podcaster in the world, being nominated for all these awards in the top 10 all the time, just from him advertising it on this show. So I don't know. You know, I don't like having jealous of that. I don't begrudge him for it. I mean, he's trying to express himself. He's an artist. You know, I just. I don't know why I gave him the CBB bump that I did to make him the most popular podcaster.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah. And you're taking credit for all of that?

[Randy Snuts]

I mean, I deserve the credit. I don't know that I'm taking it. I'm being given it by myself. Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, Diana, you're scribbling down a lot. Like you have been writing non stop since Scott has started talking. Like, is there a lot of, like, important notes down there? Like, what do you sort of keep.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, no, I write and I write in this big manila folder. It's just a folder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just an open folder. No paper there.

[Diana Deep]

So I cover it and then. But at the end, I light it on fire. It's part of the healing part.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can relate to that. I can relate to that. One of the last steps of me doing any plumbing is step 11. If it's clean, step 11, I look around. If it's not clean, I burn it to the ground. So I understand that impulse. I understand that.

[Diana Deep]

You know, I was thinking about you, Mike. When I was listening to you talk and me, I was realizing, I think, did something traumatic happen with poop for you when you were little? Did you walk in and out?

[Randy Snuts]

Traumatic things have happened to him while he's been an adult with poop. Did you sound like every job he.

[Diana Deep]

Has, did you walk in on someone pooping?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so I didn't want to talk about this, but when I was a child, I was playing in the front yard of my Aunt Wendy's house, and she said, go pick up that stick over there.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, it's almost like she's here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go pick up that stick over there, Young Ruby.

[Randy Snuts]

So I called you by your last name.

[Scott Aukerman]

They called me Young Ruby as part of the family tradition. So I walked over to what I thought was a stick, and I picked it up and I started waving it around like it was a sword. And I started hitting my cousins with it. I started throwing it around. And as it disintegrated in my hand, I realized it was shit.

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, I saw That. I saw that coming right away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

No, I should have seen that. M. Night Shyamalan style.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sort of. Not a tweet twist. It's not a twist, but I had already sort of licked my hands and, like, sort of done a lot of really gross stuff. Yeah, so. So, yeah, maybe that's my trauma also. I watched my dad die at a human waste facility where he died at all. A giant vat of shit. You can't swim in it. The. The volume is so that you have to sink. It's like shit sand.

[Randy Snuts]

They call it sort of like a biff in Back to the Future. When that truck. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So is that the trauma? Maybe.

[Diana Deep]

I think that is the trauma, you know, and that might have a bit to do with how you relate to women, because we all. All of the way. All of our sexual experiences tie back to how our parents died and death in general. Back to death.

[Randy Snuts]

Wow. What if my parents are still with us? So what do my sexual experiences relate back to?

[Diana Deep]

So, I mean, really, you haven't even begun to have sexual experiences?

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, so. God, I.

[Diana Deep]

So all that cranking you were talking about, I wasn't tanking about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bringing up cranking for saying that you'd.

[Diana Deep]

Been cranking it all day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Five or six cranks, you know that call me Jason Statham because I'm the king of the crank, he said.

[Randy Snuts]

We didn't call Jason Statham the king of the cranks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you said you wanted that.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, dude. You're a crank yanker, Scott. It's written all over your face. You're bouncing around like a Muppet, telling people that you're yanking, but you got nothing down there to yank because you're a Muppet. Is that what you're saying, Diana?

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, that's exactly.

[Mike Ruby]

Scott's got a Muppet wiener for me.

[Diana Deep]

You know, my. My sexual experiences all tie back to how I watched my father die in the Alps.

[Randy Snuts]

I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

You watched your dad died, too?

[Diana Deep]

Oh, yeah. He fell off of a chairlift onto a bunch of little. Little skiers.

[Randy Snuts]

Whoa. Little in terms of, like, they looked little when he was up in the chairlift. And then once he got down to them, they were his size or.

[Diana Deep]

No, they were just small children or adults, but, you know, they were shorter. 5, 2 to 5?

[Scott Aukerman]

6?

[Randy Snuts]

4? 11, maybe?

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, maybe one or two. And he just fell.

[Randy Snuts]

How were they all hanging out together? Is that, like, short? People like to hang out with each other or.

[Diana Deep]

It was a club. It was a club.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, it was a club.

[Mike Ruby]

Short Skiering club or something like that.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mike Ruby]

Okay, so how does this manifest itself sexually for you?

[Diana Deep]

So for me, usually I come the quickest when I'm with short men.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, dang. Lucky then.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's pretty good.

[Diana Deep]

It's cold. And when it's cold.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, it's gotta be cold as well.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah.

[Diana Deep]

You know, ideally, it's winter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so it's seasonal for you?

[Diana Deep]

It is seasonal. I don't come in the summer.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, well, that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's pretty cool to know that you just don't even have to, like, really put any effort in, you know?

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah. So here in Febby, Debbie, you're in hog heaven at this point. This is. This is your time to shine.

[Mike Ruby]

More like piglet heaven.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, Randy, with these.

[Mike Ruby]

With these little guys, these cold little fellows, these little piglets poking their Little. Poking their tiny little tails in the.

[Randy Snuts]

Diana, we don't need to calls short.

[Diana Deep]

Have you ever heard of. Have you ever seen a pig dick before? It looks like a corkscrew.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, it's like a corkscrew.

[Diana Deep]

Looks like a long, weird corkscrew.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah. Bojo lay, if you know what I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Diana, can I.

[Randy Snuts]

Something going on with you guys?

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. Yeah. Every time we look away, you guys are sort of your. I feel like if you guys were sitting under a table, your feet would be playing under the table. You know what I mean?

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah. You guys aren't in the same room, are you? I mean, we're. We're both on two different zooms. But you know, though.

[Diana Deep]

I don't know. Randy, where are you?

[Mike Ruby]

I'm at Mark Padovano's house.

[Scott Aukerman]

I said that you established Ganon by now.

[Diana Deep]

I listen. No, I listened. I listened.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, okay. Well, yeah, Then make me repeat myself. Don't make me.

[Diana Deep]

Oh, yeah, you want me to make you?

[Mike Ruby]

No, you already did. I met Mark Catavano's house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Scott. What the hell's going on here? A lot of, like, fun. There's some fun sexual tension happening, but I don't know if it's intentional, if this is a therapy sort of thing that you're doing.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know, but. But I'm just. I'm myself.

[Diana Deep]

Where's Mark right now?

[Mike Ruby]

I don't know. He's out. He's out at his job. He's making ads.

[Diana Deep]

Oh, is he? Is he? Or is he with Carissa?

[Scott Aukerman]

Stop, Scott, stop. Stop cranking. What are you doing?

[Randy Snuts]

I'm not cranking.

[Diana Deep]

Scott, are you cranking it right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, he started to, but I Think he stopped, Scott?

[Randy Snuts]

No, I'm itchy. I'm itchy. It's just an itch down there.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, right. You're scratching the itch, that's for sure. Well, I'm trying to tell Diana that. That Mark is probably, you know, I don't know, six things deep in Carissa right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Diana Deep]

I don't know six things deep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask you a question, Diana? Because I'm as confused as anyone, but, like, so I.

[Mike Ruby]

We.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like we all have a Carissa situation, you know, like that person that you need to get out of your life, you know? And, like, what is it that we have to heal within ourselves in order to be strong enough to release these strings? You know what I mean?

[Diana Deep]

Well, first of all, I think most men are the weak link in the male, female relationship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? That's pretty fucked up, pretty weird.

[Diana Deep]

They are the dumb ones. They're the most damaged. They're the least likely to grow. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, all right.

[Mike Ruby]

Hey, that was my senior. Senior superlative, Least likely to grow.

[Diana Deep]

Does that mean you're pretty short, random?

[Randy Snuts]

Are you just most likely to show.

[Mike Ruby]

Show out? To grow out? That's what I say.

[Randy Snuts]

Hmm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting.

[Mike Ruby]

Then Krissa usually hangs up on me, I think.

[Diana Deep]

You know, with you and Carissa, if I'm being honest, you know, maybe it's not that it's about your relationship, but it's about. It's actually between her and Mark, and you happen to be the one that she cheats on him with. Have you ever thought about it like that, Randy?

[Mike Ruby]

No, I haven't. You know, I'm not one who naturally gravitates toward confidence, and that would probably give me a lot more confidence, if I'm being honest. If I'm the bad boy in this little love triangle.

[Diana Deep]

You like to be the bad boy.

[Mike Ruby]

I mean, I get. Yeah, I am a bad boy. That was my other senior, superlative, least likely to grow, and baddest boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott. I feel like every time she starts talking, she, like, starts, like, her bra strap starts to show a little bit. She, like, shows a little bit more shoulder, like, what's going on?

[Randy Snuts]

What's going. I mean, she's.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, you are at best, bad boy. Oh, yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

Just ignoring us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very strange.

[Diana Deep]

Five, five, five, five, six.

[Mike Ruby]

What? No, I'm five, ten and a half, normal size.

[Diana Deep]

Okay, okay.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, not interested anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not interested. Okay. All right, Diana. So here's my. Here's my problem with women. I. I want to bring you in on this. So. So I beat a woman out in the Wild. I'll be one.

[Diana Deep]

I'm sure there's many. Go ahead.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't even. What are you. Come on, give me a chance. I'm a good guy. So I'll meet a woman, I'll be in the park and I'll be like, oh, you know that woman has a cute dog. You know, I'll walk over and be like, oh, cute.

[Randy Snuts]

That's what attracts you to a woman, is how their dog looks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you.

[Randy Snuts]

You might be attracted to dogs, Scott.

[Mike Ruby]

No shame in that game.

[Randy Snuts]

And I'm not going to be the no judgment therapist when it comes to that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like there is shame in that game, to be honest.

[Randy Snuts]

Right. Yeah.

[Mike Ruby]

I don't know. As a Catholic, no shame in that game.

[Scott Aukerman]

So.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay, so, I mean, I guess they do say that dogs look like their owners. So you notice the dog first and go, boy, if that was a human. And then you look up at the human and it looks like the dog. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I'm a personality guy, you know, if the dog has a cute personality, I'm like, oh, you must be getting that from somewhere, you know, So I look up, I'm like, oh, that'd be cute.

[Randy Snuts]

Why don't you just engage the woman and see how her personality is first?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this my problem? I Engaging people's dogs?

[Diana Deep]

Let me ask you, let me ask you, is the dog shitting when you see the dog?

[Scott Aukerman]

To be honest, there's like a 35 chance the dog is. Because if people.

[Randy Snuts]

That's usually why dogs are outside.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. They're out there to either or walk. And sometimes when they're walking, it's like the. Happens no matter what, you know?

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, but so are you attracted when you see the.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'll tell you what I do is as soon as I meet a woman and I'm like, okay, we are. We're hitting it off slightly. I will say, hey, don't move. I'll be right back. I get my car, drive home, jump right in the shower. Shower.

[Randy Snuts]

And why don't you shower before you go to the park?

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course I did, Scott. But now we gotta start fresh, you know, relationship. So I shower, I start exfoliating. Of course I use my garden. A fructis. I. I get proactive solution. I rub it right. My butthole, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Sure. And then the Toms of Maine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, The Toms of Maine. I use that for my underarms, some of my hairier bits. And then I get back and then they got. They're normally not there.

[Diana Deep]

I see what's The.

[Randy Snuts]

What's the issue, do you think, Dr. Deep?

[Diana Deep]

Well, I mean, there seems to be an obsession with being clean, which, you know, I. I grew up in parts of Europe, and. And over there, everyone's just not quite as obsessed with being clean as Americans are. You know, Americans are covering themselves in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bleach, you know, and you're saying this could be related to me watching my diet, my dad die in human shit at a water train? Water treatment facility?

[Diana Deep]

I think there's something there. I don't know what it is, but I think there's something.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, it's all coming together.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna have to work through some of this. This is good stuff. I can't. Thank you so much. This is good.

[Diana Deep]

This is quite yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, right now, Scott, you can see a single tear running from my eye.

[Randy Snuts]

And normally all the way down the hair, all the way on your beard, all the way down to the penis hole.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the way to my penis hole. And the second I see a water slide, I normally will run to the shower. Scott. To get clean. Clean.

[Diana Deep]

I think I've got something for you, Mike. We're gonna do a little role play. Okay. I'm a woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, great. I could do a lot of sound effects, voices. You want me to be the woman?

[Diana Deep]

No, I'm the woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay.

[Diana Deep]

I'm the woman. You're yourself. I don't have a dog. No dog.

[Mike Ruby]

How about Scott? What do we do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, could Scott be one of the dogs? And then maybe Snuts could be a passing dog that's like, oh, it's a hot dog. They could have their own little thing going on.

[Diana Deep]

You guys want to be in the skit?

[Randy Snuts]

We're here.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah.

[Randy Snuts]

You're just gonna ignore us. And we're not invisible.

[Scott Aukerman]

These guys need therapy too.

[Diana Deep]

You guys can be. I know. We'll be at a restaurant. And you guys, one of you can be a waiter, and the other one can be a waiter in training.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. Am I shadowing him?

[Diana Deep]

You're shadowing him.

[Randy Snuts]

But he's the waiter in training. Why am I shadowing him?

[Diana Deep]

Because you're both new.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, cool.

[Randy Snuts]

But Scott's supposed to figure it out. We've been thrown into the deep end.

[Diana Deep]

Randy's been there one day more, so he knows a little bit more than you do, but you're both new.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay.

[Mike Ruby]

Okay. Hey, Scott. That's your name, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

We just wait, wait, before we even start, are we meeting in this restaurant? Are we on a date? Because I don't normally get to restaurants with these Women.

[Diana Deep]

Yes, we're on it. We're on a date.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Diana Deep]

So this is to make sure that you'll have confidence.

[Randy Snuts]

So this is second base for you.

[Diana Deep]

Because I think once you have that confidence, you can ask a woman out.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this is actually third base would be sky. First base would be a shower. Second base. Third base, restaurant.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay.

[Diana Deep]

Okay, so here we go. We're at our.

[Randy Snuts]

What's your name again?

[Diana Deep]

Excuse me?

[Randy Snuts]

I'm not talking to you, ma'am. I'm talking to my waiter that's training me.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, it's Randy. Don't disrespect me. I've been here a day longer than you. What the fuck's your problem, dude?

[Randy Snuts]

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Look, what are we supposed to do today? Marry ketchups or what do we do?

[Mike Ruby]

No, we'll marry ketchups at the end of the shift or unless the bottles get empty. Look, we just need to go up to this table and ask these people what they'd like for dinner. And if they need more time, that's fine. We can come back. Okay.

[Randy Snuts]

It sounds complicated, but I'm with you.

[Mike Ruby]

Have you ever been to a restaurant before?

[Randy Snuts]

No. This was so exciting to get a job at this place I've never been in.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah.

[Diana Deep]

Insane. So, Mike, how do you feel? Do you feel better? You feel like you could do this?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll say this. I was, the entire time gripping my seat because I wanted to get up and run home to my shower. But I stood there, I stayed in the pocket. I let those people argue around me. I feel like that was a major breakthrough, Diana. It was.

[Diana Deep]

Well, let's try another one here, Mike. Okay.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Who are we? Who are you?

[Diana Deep]

So me and you, Mike, we. We just went out to dinner and now we are in.

[Randy Snuts]

Now you're sliding into home and you're feeling all that foam.

[Diana Deep]

No, we're going out for a movie. Okay. So we've just.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know what that is. Is that in between? That's like a pickle in between third base and home plate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That's like you caught between the shortstop and the third baseman and you're like, oh, God, I don't know how to. Yeah, you're in a pickle play right now.

[Mike Ruby]

It's a rundown.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. And who are we?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a squeeze play, if you will.

[Diana Deep]

Okay, so we've just gotten.

[Randy Snuts]

Can I be a projectionist?

[Diana Deep]

No. You guys work at the snack booth. You guys work at the snack booth.

[Mike Ruby]

Okay.

[Diana Deep]

Booth and you both.

[Randy Snuts]

This is like a kiosk inside the movie theater where we're.

[Diana Deep]

Snack booth.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. I'm just wondering because sometimes, like, you go to the Arc Light, there's like a coffee kiosk or whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just think if you would just listen to her and give her a chance, I feel like she could be helping you because she's doing wonders for me right now.

[Diana Deep]

All right, this is back. You know, this is back when there were people, humans, who worked at the movie theater. And you're going, we're gonna go order some snacks.

[Randy Snuts]

So this is back in time. This is like 2019.

[Diana Deep]

This is 2019.

[Mike Ruby]

Okay. All right. So I know what a snack booth is. So clearly I've been working there a little longer than Scott.

[Diana Deep]

You've been working there a day longer than Scott. Okay, so. But in this case, Scott, you guys have been working there for. For two weeks, and Randy's been working there for two weeks and a day.

[Randy Snuts]

Two weeks and one day. Okay.

[Diana Deep]

Okay.

[Mike Ruby]

All right.

[Randy Snuts]

In 2019. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Randy Snuts]

Hi, Randy. Did you hear that those North Korea US Nuclear talks stalled?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, no kidding. I listen to all the classic news podcasts first thing in the morning. Look at all this shit all over the cash register. What did you do here?

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, sorry. I just. I was thinking about how the US China trade war is continuing, and I. And tensions are flaring in the Persian Gulf. All this stuff is going on in the world, and I just took my mind off of the ball.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I gotta go home and take a shower.

[Diana Deep]

Okay. Ant scene.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I didn't make it through that one. I had to run home and take a shower. There was shit. There was shit on the cash register. No one was acknowledging it.

[Diana Deep]

Well, what about the shit was upsetting to you? Normally there is. You know, there's gonna be shit out in the world. Right.

[Randy Snuts]

Wow. Hopefully they hide it a little bit. I mean, you know, I mean, yeah, every once in a while you're walking along and someone didn't pick up their dog's poop, but, you know, I mean, hopefully.

[Diana Deep]

Or there's human shit.

[Randy Snuts]

Hopefully human shit is behind partitions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys, we gotta stop talking about Grow up. Getting sick. We can't keep talking about this. Okay. Wow. I do think those role plays were helping Diane. I do feel like I will be able to talk to a woman for maybe a few sentences before I feel dirty and need to run home and exfoliate.

[Diana Deep]

Well, that's good. I think I helped a lot. I think I did a great job.

[Randy Snuts]

And, you know, I think you helped me and Randy here kind of patching up our relationship, you know, I mean, sort of like the tables really did turn with us where suddenly you were the dominant one, Randy. And it really felt good.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, it felt great to dominate Scott.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah. Scott, do you like to be dominated?

[Randy Snuts]

I mean, I don't like it necessarily.

[Diana Deep]

Seems like you get a lot of people on here who dominate you.

[Randy Snuts]

I tend to think that I'm the one dominating them when they're on the show, you know, I mean, I don't know.

[Diana Deep]

I don't know. I agree.

[Mike Ruby]

I think Scott's right. He's a power bottom.

[Randy Snuts]

Not like Notorious Power bottom, Ebeneezer, Scrooge. Okay, you there?

[Mike Ruby]

What day is it? Why, it's Christmas, sir. Ah, the perfect day to power bottom you.

[Randy Snuts]

The one as big as me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Scott, what's your height? You're famously tall, right, Scott?

[Randy Snuts]

Well, I'm. Yeah, I'm sort of six, two, six three. Yeah. And how. What's your height? We didn't talk. I mean, we've talked about the length of your hair, but we haven't talked about how tall you are.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll be honest, I grow my hair really long to sort of hide how short I am, you know, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, how short are you?

[Diana Deep]

That's what they tell you to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

They tell me to grow your hair long so that people are like, oh, that guy's at least five feet.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah, because sometimes you can hairspray it up, sort of like a flock of seagulls or a French Stewart.

[Scott Aukerman]

And sometimes if you let your beard get like long enough and then really get it tight with some hairspray, you can walk on top of it. Give you like a 1 inch platform, you know, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

[Diana Deep]

How short are we talking about? How short are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I am what they call four, eleven and a half laugh to what they call. Yeah, What. What was that? You get some. You get some sort of therapy thing where you're sort of like. Yeah, you're writing something down about my. My sort of psyche. Is that what. You're right.

[Diana Deep]

My vanilla envelope is full.

[Mike Ruby]

Oh, Scott, are you seeing this?

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know. What, what are you saying?

[Mike Ruby]

Are you seeing this tension? It seems like they're in the same room now.

[Diana Deep]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of people call me a short king. Is that something that you're interested in?

[Diana Deep]

I love a little king.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little king. Okay, all right, look, our little king. I, I do have to warn you, my job involves a lot of head injuries and A lot of shit and a lot of forgetting stuff. So a relationship with me is going to be a whirlwind. I just.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah. Are you sure that you haven't been in a relationship at this point? I mean, you may have just hit your head so many times you can't recall it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two women claim to be married to me, but I will. I don't even. I'm not going to acknowledge that at all. I say they were clients. I was just there cleaning their bathroom and then I left, you know?

[Randy Snuts]

Well, guys, this. This has been incredible experience.

[Scott Aukerman]

One really important thing, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ten things you're crushing.

[Randy Snuts]

No, we don't. Look, we. We have time for one final feature, and that is a little something called plugs. I don't want no earwigs in my pita chips. No, I don't want no earwigs in my pita chips. Don't want their little antennae pressed against my lips. I don't want no earwigs in my pita chips. Oh, yeah, that was. I don't want earwigs in my pita chips by David Stray. Nay and I like this. The plugs themes are no longer about plugs. I felt that was limiting. Yeah, definitely slapped.

[Scott Aukerman]

All these plug themes are gonna add up to some weird ass concept album that's like.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah, it would almost be like they might be giants fingertips or something like that. Incredible. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Randy Snuts, do you have anything to plug? I mean, your life seems so simple and yet so complicated. I'm not sure if you have anything to plug. Plug.

[Mike Ruby]

Well, surprise, Scott. I came on here to launch my latest podcast venture.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, really? What's that?

[Mike Ruby]

I don't know. It's called the Randy verse.

[Randy Snuts]

Is it like WandaVision?

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, it's like WandaVision. I play all the different characters in it and it just keeps unfolding.

[Randy Snuts]

You play Randy and you play verse.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, I play Randy, I play verse, and then I play other Randy's that are pointing at myself and they're like, you're Randy. And I'm like, you're. It seems like you're Randy.

[Randy Snuts]

Okay. Yeah, this sounds really good. And this is a podcast and audio show.

[Mike Ruby]

Yep. It's already doing better numbers than Comedy Bang Bang.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Randy Snuts]

Why did I give you this bump? All right, Mike, what are you plugging here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, of course, Scott. I'm plugging patreon.com Sean Disston.

[Randy Snuts]

I visited there once or twice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, it's the no stank Patreon Podcast network, they call it it. And this guy Sean, this is doing a really. He's doing a lot of really funny stuff. Talking about Ninja Turtles, you know, he's talking about. But the one thing he doesn't do is talk about shit. So that's why I'm able to listen to it.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, okay. Good, good. And people can get [e-mail] Sean Distance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does a. He's got some fun podcasts on these. A good guy. Also, y'all don't forget, promo code CBB on Mike Ruby's website. Mike Ruby, the no Stank plumber dot com, of course.

[Randy Snuts]

And Diana Deep. What do you want to plug?

[Diana Deep]

Yes, thank you, Scott. I want all your listeners to follow me. Dr. Diana Deep. I'm not a real doctor, but at Going Deep, which is a stitcher podcast, and then also this account that I love at L I L Y I L. Why?

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, is that a palindrome? Is that.

[Diana Deep]

No.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, what is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's not as simple as going deep with Diana Deep. It's. It's. Lily. It's ill. Lily.

[Diana Deep]

L I L Y Lily. Complicated. It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you say it out loud? How do you say it out loud?

[Diana Deep]

Lily.

[Randy Snuts]

Lily.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Randy Snuts]

All right. And so if people can find that. Although, I don't know people can find it.

[Diana Deep]

People have found it interesting.

[Randy Snuts]

I thought Jason Manzoukas had a Twitter account under that name.

[Scott Aukerman]

He does.

[Diana Deep]

He does.

[Randy Snuts]

Yeah. Okay.

[Diana Deep]

He's a fixed lover. Short man.

[Randy Snuts]

I don't know whether he's a short king. I don't know whether he wants to be tarred with that brush. All right, I want to plug. Look. Coming up on a perfect time to watch Michael Bolton, Bolton's Big Sexy Valentine's Day on Netflix. A special that we made me and the Lonely island made a couple years ago with Michael Bolton and several guest stars, Maya Rudolph and Andy Samberg and all sorts of great people. You can check that out. All right, let's close up. Oh, and this is. We're gonna hear one of our remixes. Let's close up the old plug bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you see something open, get a.

[Randy Snuts]

Rope up and start to twist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then you find that you're getting a little. I missed you think you're crying and.

[Randy Snuts]

You know what to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get up in there and do what you do.

[Randy Snuts]

You gotta open up the blood bank. Open it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Open up the blood bank. Make sure it's not cold it up so bad.

[Randy Snuts]

Make sure you got oxen and don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mess around with it. Make sure you don't mess around?

[Mike Ruby]

Don't mess around?

[Randy Snuts]

You make sure you don't mess around?

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't mess around?

[Randy Snuts]

Don't mess, don't mess? Don't mess around? Don't mess around? Don't mess, don't mess around? And don't mess around? Don't mess around, don't mess around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Open that shit.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, yeah, that was the Michael Hartigan remix. That was the first one we received. So far we've received three remixes and we're just cycling through them, so if you have one, go ahead and we can add it to the remix pile.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Randy Snuts]

And yeah, guys, I want to thank you so much. First of all, Randy, always great checking in with you. I'm sorry to raise so many issues with Carissa and what sounds like your best friend of several years.

[Mike Ruby]

Yeah, it's okay, Scott. It was eye opening. It was a pleasure. And I'll see you in a year.

[Randy Snuts]

Hey, unless you're sleeping, you want those eyes open, don't you?

[Mike Ruby]

Yep. If you're not sleeping, you better be peeping.

[Randy Snuts]

That's right. All right, see you in 2022.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. That's pretty damn good.

[Randy Snuts]

We'll put that on a shirt, baby. And Diana Deep, great to meet you and thank you so much for your expertise and your knowledge here and for imparting it upon us. Really appreciate it and good luck with your podcast.

[Diana Deep]

Thank you so much. I'll send you the bill, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, I thought this was free. All right, but. And then. Mike, Ruby, look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they're waiting on it, Scott.

[Randy Snuts]

They're waiting on. We gotta do it. Hit us.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta do it.

[Randy Snuts]

Hit us, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your crush might have in their bathroom.

[Randy Snuts]

Number one, toilet paper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Number two, tweezers.

[Randy Snuts]

Oh, no. We're running out of time. We only have three seconds left, Shooter. Go through the rest really quick medication. Three, two, one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trash can lotion.

[Randy Snuts]

All right, we'll see you next time. Bye. Cats have always acted like their don't stink. Now with Freshed up heavy duty's new 30 day odor control, it actually doesn't. Fresh Step's new Heavy Duty litter fights odor three times longer than the leading brand. This is Fresh Step's strongest litter ever. Giving your litter box 30 days of odor control. Step it up to Fresh Step with the new Heavy Duty litter.

[Diana Deep]

Three times claim based on fecal mallarder.

[Randy Snuts]

Versus the leading regular clumping litter. Strongest litter ever is based on odor control. Febreze is used under license from the Procter & Gamble Company or its affiliates this episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy. We're having entrepreneurs back on the show and they're going to use helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time. All in one place. All on your terms. You can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or [e-mail] Bang Bang Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. With Squarespace, onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks of the dear mouse, my dear boy, and start receiving payments right away. Plus give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like and Here we go with them. They're going to sound made up, but maybe you know what they are. Klarna Ach Direct Debit in the us, Apple Pay Afterpay in the US and Canada and Clearpay in the uk Squarespace. Look, what do I need to say about them? We've been using them now for it feels like I know it's over a decade. I think we did all the earwolf websites with Squarespace. They're the best. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are Ready to launch squarespace.com Bang Bang will save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Thanks Squarespace.