Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 3 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 3

Release Date: June 26, 2025

Hosts and Guests:

• Host: Scott Aukerman
• Guests: Paul F. Tompkins (as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber) and Bobby Moynihan (as Forval, a time-traveling old man)

---

Introduction and Episode Setup (00:00 – 03:12)

Scott Aukerman opens the episode by addressing current economic frustrations, humorously segueing into mentioning Metro's lowered prices and promotional offers. This brief segment includes a playful advertising pitch which is quickly dismissed as the focus shifts to the main content.

• Notable Quote:
  • Scott Aukerman (00:00): "At Metro they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee..."

Scott introduces the bonus episode, “Time Bobby 3,” originally aired on May 12, 2014. He describes Bobby Moynihan's character as a “3 foot 1 inch tall old man with a long white beard,” hinting at his enigmatic nature.

• Notable Quote:
  • Scott Aukerman (02:30): "Is this God? Or could he possibly be Forval the time traveling Stab happy orphan? We don't know. You gotta listen to this to find out."

Character Introduction and Initial Banter (03:13 – 15:30)

Paul F. Tompkins and Bobby Moynihan join the conversation, engaging in humorous exchanges about their own peculiar traits and the environment—specifically the room's heat and their vocal warm-ups.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Paul F. Tompkins (04:05): "It's hot in this room. It certainly is hot in this room."
  • Scott Aukerman (05:25): "Because you need them to constantly give the royal Queen the thumbs up."

They joke about Lord Webber’s interactions and his obligations, weaving in absurd humor that sets the tone for the episode’s quirky narrative.

Unraveling the Mystery of Forval’s Tattoos (16:00 – 34:50)

Bobby Moynihan's character, Forval, reveals intricate tattoos that are key to understanding his time-traveling mission. The hosts attempt to decode these tattoos using mnemonic devices, leading to a mix of comedic confusion and mock-serious strategizing.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Scott Aukerman (17:20): "I just wanted you to beg."
  • Paul F. Tompkins (20:14): "Careworn hands."

This segment showcases the trio's improvisational skills, blending absurdity with a faux sense of urgency as they discuss stages to “stop Fryvault,” a looming threat hinted at through the tattoos.

The Break and Commercial Spoofs (35:00 – 37:40)

The hosts humorously navigate through fake advertisements embedded within the transcript, mocking typical podcast ad interruptions. These segments parody real-world commercials, maintaining the show’s comedic essence.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Ashley Flowers (36:06): "Join us for new episodes of Crime Junkie every Monday."
  • Scott Aukerman (37:41): "Comedy Bang Bang."

Re-engaging with Forval and Escalating the Plot (37:41 – 65:45)

Upon returning from the faux commercial break, Forval intensifies the narrative by sharing more about his past, including disturbing anecdotes involving other characters like "Patty Hill" and "Mildred Hill." The conversation spirals into exaggerated storytelling with overlapping dialogues and comedic misunderstandings.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Bobby Moynihan (61:56): "I'm gonna get on my pony. I'm gonna drive away. I will return."
  • Paul F. Tompkins (65:23): "He's a great man. I have nothing to do with that one."

The hosts and Forval delve deeper into the fabricated lore, creating a tangled web of time-travel mishaps and exaggerated conflicts, all delivered with the show’s signature quick-witted humor.

Climactic Confrontation and Final Chaos (65:46 – 107:01)

The episode reaches a crescendo as the characters confront each other amidst escalating chaos. Scott Aukerman becomes increasingly confused, blurring the lines between his identity and Forval’s. Bobby Moynihan's Forval oscillates between seeking help and expressing frustration, culminating in a comedic showdown involving exaggerated threats and absurd resolutions.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Scott Aukerman (99:15): "We are like the ears, but people. We were lying to each other."
  • Paul F. Tompkins (105:50): "We’re all a bunch of time traveling motherfuckers."

The final moments are a whirlwind of improvised lines, playful insults, and humorous declarations, solidifying the episode’s place as a memorable and entertaining installment in the Comedy Bang Bang universe.

Conclusion and Wrap-Up (Post 107:01)

The episode concludes abruptly with more fake advertisements and a chaotic mix of voices and character revelations, leaving listeners amused by the unpredictable and humorous flow of discussions.

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Overall Highlights:

• Improvisational Comedy: The episode thrives on spontaneous and witty exchanges between the host and guests, creating a lively and unpredictable atmosphere.
• Character Portrayal: Bobby Moynihan's portrayal of Forval is central, bringing an eccentric and mysterious dimension to the conversation.
• Humorous Storytelling: The narrative unfolds through humorous storytelling, mnemonics, and fabricated backstories that engage and entertain the audience.
• Comedic Interludes: Fake advertisements and playful banter add layers of humor, enhancing the overall listening experience.

Takeaway: "Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 3" exemplifies Comedy Bang Bang’s unique blend of improvisational humor and character-driven storytelling. Through engaging dialogues and inventive scenarios, the episode offers a rich and entertaining experience for both longtime fans and new listeners alike.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up, up up at the gas pump, the grocery store, rent. But you know what? At Metro they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh get this. You get a free free 5G phone. All with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply. Details at Metro by T Dash Mobile. You know how every team has that one clutch player who just knows how to come through in the big moments for your finance game, that's Experian, your bff. And by that I mean big financial friend. Experian could help you save, lets you check your FICO score and matches you with credit cards. Just download the Experian app and get started for free. Trust me, with this BFF on your roster, your finance game has never been Stronger. Based on FICO Score 8 model offers and approval not guaranteed. Terms apply. Offers not available in all states. See experian.com for details. Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus bangs of course are when we re release great great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the Paywall. And we are in the middle of a great series right now. Look, I said these episodes are great and this is a great series. It fits. These are of course the Time Bobby episodes. We're in the middle of re releasing these and coming up now we have Time Bobby 3, the third in the series. This was originally released on May 12, 2014 as episode 286. It features Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Bobby Moynihan as a 3 foot 1 inch tall old man with a long white beard. Is this God? Or could he possibly be forval the time traveling Stab happy orphan? We don't know. You gotta listen to this to find out. Now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other episodes featuring either Paul F. Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan or other people, become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live show Ad free new episodes and bonus shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen Collegetown, the Neighborhood. Listen, we have all of the past episodes from the archives. So much stuff over there. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come and be Bang Bang. Come and meet Bang Bang Come and see Bang Bang. Tony Danza's final stanza awaits you grim with tired limb. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. The Voblex for that incredible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, all of the Voblex contributed that catching freeze.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you own a Voblex, by the way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep. You know, I'm embarrassed to say I bought one. I never use it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's under the bed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I understand. Welcome to Comedy Banger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank.

[Scott Aukerman]

And to the listener. Welcome to you as well. But I originally first me, then the listener because of status.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Status.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I, first of all, am Scott Aukerman. And boy, before we get to it, weather report. Just in this room, kind of hot. I'm wearing kind of a bulky sweatshirt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's hot in this room. It certainly is hot in this room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you doing your vocal warm ups first, by the way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's hot in this room. It's hot in this room.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I gleaned a green gargantuan thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the classic warmup. I gleaned a green gargantuan thing. Of course, we could go on, but we don't have time, so. We will. Yes. Great. Here we go. And 10 more minutes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rather bother Father. Weather. Weather report.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go. Okay. Very hot in Los Angeles here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what's going on. I mean, it seems as if the weather fluctuates.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I personally does seem that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would prefer it to remain constant.

[Bobby Moynihan]

This.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This heat is only fit for mad dogs. And this guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, by the way, who has two thumbs and likes it hot. I've always meant to ask you, Englishman. Okay, so every Englishman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every Englishman has two thumbs. Has two thumbs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's well established. At this point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The thumbs of Englishmen are a constant sale.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you need them to constantly give the royal Queen the thumbs up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She needs a lot of affirmations, encouragement. Yes. You're doing great, you, Majesty. Keep it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, of course, Queen Victoria used to roam the kingdom.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And ask passersby, how am I doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Didn't she have a number as well? Like a 1-800-number? Yes, she did. Ask me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was the first one of its kind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ask me how I'm doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ask me how I'm doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't like my governing call. 1, 800 each hit. Well, of course, in those days, you couldn't come right out to say that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No, in those days, you had to spell the numbers out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then as you were doing it, you realize, too. Wait a minute. Hang on. I'm being told to dine in a most unseemly fashion.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I would love it. I would love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that if you move to a place, there should be a constant temperature, and then just. That's your lot in life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, but only if you move to a place. Now, the thing that's throwing it off. His native Angelenos.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That if they would all leave.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The weather would remain constant.

[Scott Aukerman]

If the last surviving native Angeleno were to leave the county lines to move.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Somewhere else, what could we do to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get them outside of the county lines?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do we incentivize you, Josiah?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Entrapment or trick them? Is it an incentive or is it a trick?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm up for both. A trick is like an incentive with no reward.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What about an illusion?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, David Copperfield Suggestion. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. What do you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was looking to turn myself up because I can barely hear myself and I love to hear myself in this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. It's a blessing to hear one's own voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Amplified microphonically.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And to have to have upon one's head.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Heading phones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Headingphones. The very contraptions with which to hear those voices.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The very contraptions, dear boy. Now, let me introduce me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but let me introduce myself. Or did I not already? Did I say my name was Scott Aukerman? This is comedy. Bing bong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't imagine anyone can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Well, then let me introduce. Are you a guest?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me introduce you. Musicals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this yours?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If only it were.

[Scott Aukerman]

And as I recall, it was. Let me entertain you as well. But was the original version of that introduced?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was doing a prodigal version of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Are you getting into song parodies?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The vicar of Yanks. Weird. Alan Yankovic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where is the Vicar of Yanks these days? We just had him on the show recently.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I understand he purchased a satellite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he? Yes, he purchased an entire satellite. Up in the air. Or do you mean a satellite dish?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, up in the air. Yes. Not one on the ground like George Clooney? That's right. Up in the air. And then, of course, George Clooney was also in gravity.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is his obsession with the space travel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He loves the sky.

[Scott Aukerman]

He does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And practical jokes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think that someday he'll turn his career to under the ground like some sort of Mole man type of career role?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe that most devoutly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tis a consummation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Devoutly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Devoutly. To be wished, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two wishes left.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good boy. I'll save those up for another program. But you know him as the writer of several musicals, including. Gosh, I want to say Annie Hall. No, I was gonna say it's not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A musical, nor did I write it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just said Annie, hoping you would co. Sign. You did not. But then I'm gonna go for get yout Gun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The musical Annie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then there's Annie, get your gun. I wrote no Annie centric musicals.

[Scott Aukerman]

They should make more Annie musicals, shouldn't they?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think they should make three more.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so we. Annie Hall. Of course, Annie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have Annie Hall. Any gadget gun, any hole. Any way you want it. That's the way you need it. Any way you want it. La la la la la la la.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've talked about jukebox musicals several times. I feel like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who was it that you wanted to do a juking box musical for? There was a certain artist that you're obsessed with. Well, there was the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thomas Kincaid. The painter of light.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I believe it may have been that. If only he were a songwriter. What do you think his songs would be like?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Uh, let's see. What would if Thomas Kincaid were a songwriter? This is.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm trying to set you upon a path to maybe inspire you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm being inspired.

[Scott Aukerman]

A country cottage covered with snow. This is beautiful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A single candle glows in the window pane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lord Webber, I had read recently that you don't want to write musicals anymore. Or what is it? No, you don't want to write.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't want to write musicals anymore.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I have said all that needs to be said.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let's see what you said. You said the Josie, Josie, Josie, Josie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the Pussycat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Right. Okay, so that was your first one. And then G, G, G, E Smith.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the Saturday Night Live Band.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you have one of those.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Eve of Destruction.

[Scott Aukerman]

Eve of Destruction. And then cut to Smash Cut two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did Smash Cut two.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're gonna cut to something, smash cut to it. It's always gives so much more energy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wrote Smash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, you wrote the smash musical. Of course. The musical within the TV show Smash. A lot of people didn't know that you Wrote that. What was that again? The musical. The Marilyn Monroe musical in smash Bombshell. Yes. You wrote that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was. I ghost wrote it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Why did you ghost write it? Put your name on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I want you to feel like a ghost.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you suggest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought you would give me a glimpse into the afterlife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you see anything?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Terrifying visions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there a man with a big white beard sitting on a cloud out there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a red fellow holding an oversized fork.

[Scott Aukerman]

A pitching fork.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A pitching fork, yes. The very thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness. Andrew Lloyd Webber, I hope you never die because you have an eternity.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel as if hail awaits us all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's nice. Anyway, so why are you not writing musicals anymore?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tell our listeners I would rather devote my remaining years.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many do you have remaining?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would say roughly 40.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think so?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Why? How old are you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do you put it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, aren't you in your. I wouldn't not care to speculate how old you are. But I was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am a man of a certain age.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seventh decade, perhaps.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thereabouts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But lifespans are longer, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. And the singularity.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I can't wait for that singularity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is that again? We're all going to become ones and zeroes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We're all just gonna get our minds downloaded into machines. And then you live forever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. That's when I'll start composing again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not until then. Until the singularity.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. I'm waiting for the singularity. And then I'll be literally a songwriting machine. I've been called that many times, but I'm going to make it come true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Andrew Lloyd Webber is here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to the show, by the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

When was the last time you were on? I cannot keep track.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's been quite a while. It's been a while. Been a while since I've been on the program.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course. Welcome back to the show. You are one of our favorite guests, or at least one that has been on a lot. Is that fair to say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's. I was going to say, that's kind of you to say, but then I no longer needed to say that because you retracted the kindness with the second half of your question. Insult.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. So you've been on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've been on the show several times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Several times. When did we first get to know each other?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I enjoyed it once.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that the time you had amnesia?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, never mind. Didn't you have amnesia in one episode?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How would I remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up. I know that's a sore subject.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I think the last thing someone who's had amnesia would remember is having amnesia, dear boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

So sorry. I mean, one would think that you would remember the fact that you had it and you woke up from it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know why one would think that. Okay, I'm one and I don't think it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, all right, but welcome, welcome back to the show. And you, you know, it's. It's been so many years we've been doing this show. We just celebrated many, many years. We've just celebrated our fifth anniversary doing the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh yeah, Congratulations.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so. And you, how did you celebrate, by the way? Well, we had a. Stop knocking on the table.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not knocking on the table.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? It's just for you to knock on a table.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm certainly not knocking on a table.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, then, engineer. Cody, would you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you hear that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you alright, Cody?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it this fellow?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, wait, Cody, how are you saying hello? How are you saying hello without your lips? Moo.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel, I feel as if there is a presence in this room.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna look to my left and then I'm going to look to my right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Splendid idea. I shall do the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm also. You know what, the hell with it. I'm gonna throw in looking up as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Alright.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ha. I say yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I look down so all bases are covered.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna look behind me as behind myself. I'm gonna go left. So I'm gonna do all of those.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shall I do them concurrently or would you like to wait my turn?

[Scott Aukerman]

You do them concurrently with me and then also add looking down, which I think is a waste of time. So I'm not gonna join you in that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I'm a gentleman of leisure now, so I have the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, shall we begin by looking to the left?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my left. To your left. We are facing each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Camera left.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's always the opposite.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, Stage left.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Downstage, upstage. Okay. Upstage is because the stage used to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Be downstage all around the town.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Another vocal warmup. We don't have time for that. All right, let's look stage left. Here we go. And. Hmm. What was that sound effect?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. Is the great kazoo appearing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Nothing there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nothing there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although I do hear that noise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I again heard a distinct hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, a greeting of some sort.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, there it is again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nothing to the left, though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nothing to the left. Shall we look stage right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let us then look stage right. Huh?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nothing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did hear that Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

I heard the hello again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, but it's not to the right or the left.

[Scott Aukerman]

What should we do now? Up or behind ourselves?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's look up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And nothing heavenward.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some fluorescent lights. The ceiling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, yes, we. Nothing unexpected, I should say.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did not see surprise. That fluorescent lights are there.

[Scott Aukerman]

I saw four fluorescent lights. I want to report that as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just to make sure we're simpatico on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The same day I draw. The listener enjoys being included.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's look behind us now, because this is where I believe we're going to be seeing the source of this noise. Behind us, I say. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How if I were to look behind you and you look behind me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Let's do that, then. All right. I feel we'll have to move each other's heads to the side.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, well, I think we can move our own heads to the side.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would prefer if you moved mine while I moved yours. All right, here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't resist me. Stop fighting. Stop it. I'm not. I'm unaccustomed to having commoners move my head.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nothing. Well, I guess nothing's there.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, there's one direction we have not looked. Now you consider it a waste of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I will not look down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Allow me to do so.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's a waste of time. I don't know why you would do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That, but are you as I please, and I please as I do, but watch yourself.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? Scotrick, look.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Look where?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look. Look down where I'm looking.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a waste of time.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, it's not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I swear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Convince me. Sell me on this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please. Will you say hello one more time? Hello, strange visitor.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a good. Do you see this grizzled, little gnarled.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm Tiny Man. I'm not looking down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please, Skoltric, I beg of you, look down.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just wanted you to beg.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How dare you make a lord beg on a podcast?

[Scott Aukerman]

Where else would you beg?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nowhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, I'll look down then, because.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Ow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you see this little wizened creature?

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a little man. He's a little old man.

[Scott Aukerman]

We were talking about an old man with a white beard before. We were talking about what you are speaking of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Almighty God.

[Scott Aukerman]

But this is.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I am not God. No one is God. No one can be God. Only God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There can be no God but God.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a. But you have a beard is what I think I was trying to say. You have a large white beard.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, it's a glorious beard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's glorious.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lord Andrew, shall we describe what we're seeing to the listener? Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Let's also maybe say hi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, hello. Hello, little old man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Describe me. I'm. I know I don't know you and you don't know me, but just. That was kind of rude.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Common. You are. You are correct, sir.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's just hello to somebody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I apologize on behalf of myself, Scotrick, and her Majesty the Queen of England.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Don't be a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Well, there's no call for that kind of language.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, that would be rude.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

As they said in the old country, hell and then O, which is the origin of that word.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was a dash.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello. Strange visitor. Now can we describe you? Is that.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Please do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well this vision is three feet tall. Three feet. That's being generous.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Three foot one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I do apologize. Three foot one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Three foot one. Which is about 37 inches high.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And I'm not positive on that, but I just don't do math too good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh huh. And wearing sort of tattered clothes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Clothes of rags and patches.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Mm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like some sort of muffin. Made of rags.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a muffin, but made of rags. Like a ragamuffin kind of. Kind of thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're. I believe you're misleading the listener into thinking this fellow is wearing a muffin.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. I'm not a muffin. No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

But he's a lot like a muffin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not a muffin. He's a man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

My little old man. I will say, I fucking love muffins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Language.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so we all love muffins. Let's describe this. He loves muffins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. He's a muffin lover. He's tiny. Long a beard. As long as he is.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. It's about 37 inches long, this beard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think 34. Because it starts at his chin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rather than his head.

[Scott Aukerman]

But if you look all the way down to the ground, it's about 4 inches that are dragging on the ground.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's dragging on the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's about 37.

[Bobby Moynihan]

End of my beard. Very dirty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're stooped, elderly, wizened face.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Line kind of shaped like a question mark.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Careworn hands.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your body is shaped like a question mark. It's very interesting.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A fat question mark.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, but, but what's interesting is, is why is the period separated from the rest of the question mark? How are you able to do that on your body? It looks like your shoes are the period and then. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's that his socks. Oh, his socks are the same color as the wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yes. Well, hello, strange visitor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello to you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's nice to meet you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're very strange and you're visiting us.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to the show. This is a show. This is a podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a show.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. You're on a show.

[Bobby Moynihan]

When I was a kid on television, you would see shows that I don't see. I don't see it. So I don't believe you.

[Scott Aukerman]

When he was a kid, he's saying he used to watch television shows and you would see them, but he's not seeing this.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're telling me this is show and I don't see nothing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, imagine we're on the other side of the television screen. And also imagine this isn't on television.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's black magic. I don't know if I'm cool with that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's actually white science.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, the very opposite of black magic.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That I'm cool with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so when you were a kid you used to watch television. I'm guessing you look about 90 years old.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, maybe.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oscar, today is my 90th birthday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, happy birthday to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

We would sing happy birthday to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But we don't want to owe money to those two miserly crones. Mildred and Patty Hill.

[Bobby Moynihan]

They were. I dated both of those ladies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the difference?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, yeah. When my ex girlfriend. 1900.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh huh. You were born in 1924.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, 90 years ago from today was when I was born.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

1924. 1937.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you were 13 years old.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I dated both of them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say, what a precocious child.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

My goodness. So wait a minute, you were 13 years old. If I'm remembering correctly, Patty Hill was born in 1866. Okay, right.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Everybody knows that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wait a minute, she would, I'm counting up. She would be in. She would have been in her 60s when you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

60S? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you had a sort of a May December romance.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I've always like the older ladies.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, it's more like a January December romance. Or February. The very minimum.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At the bare minimum, perhaps a February November.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. Or perhaps a little boy having sex with an older lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. That's a little more of an accurate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're 13, you're just a little boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've always said though, if there's grass on the field, play ball. I'm sure that it was correct.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I've always said if you got a penis, you might as well have sex with a 60 year old lady when it's time to do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've always said that.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Ever since the day I was born 90 years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long did you date Patty? And then how did you date both of them and how long? Three part question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How long did you date Pathip? How long?

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you date both of you? Mildred.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you date Mildred? And how long did you date both of them? Did you date both of them?

[Bobby Moynihan]

You see, I was. I was living on the streets when I was a kid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rough and tumble sort of life.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were you ragamuffin?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was. I was a little scamp. An adorable little scamp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were you an urchin by any chance?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You would classify yourself as an urchin, correct? Certainly.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I feel like I've met a street urchin. Not a sea urchin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Oh, that's an important distinction.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Is very much so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Both of them, they must remain in their own element in order to survive.

[Bobby Moynihan]

If you throw a street urchin in the water, he'll die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He cannot beg copper coins.

[Bobby Moynihan]

If you throw a sea urchin on the street, he'll die too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very quickly. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were an urchin of the land.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I feel like we've met someone like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we have. I do like to think about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't recall who it was. I've done too many of these shows, I can't remember who it was. Remind me after the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly.

[Scott Aukerman]

In any case. Three part question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go Sue. Three parts. What is wrong outside of your mouth?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I threw up. I somehow threw out my nose and it went in my mouth. The worst experience I've ever had as a human being. I'm not gonna lie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't enjoy the experience of hearing about it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sorry you had to see that. I'm very old. My body is falling apart. Oh no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it failing?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. I've been on the streets for way too long.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long have you been on the street street?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Since I was a little baby boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How long? So how long has it been?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's been about.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's got to be 89.

[Bobby Moynihan]

89 and a half years at this point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's. It's at six months you cast out.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, well, at four months. The first two months I lived with a very nice man.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was his. Oh, we don't need to hear about the nice man because we're in the middle of a three part question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, exactly. Are we even in the middle of it?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. In fact, maybe at the middle.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I feel like we're just riding alongside it at this point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let's. Let's jump into that sidecar of clarity indeed. And let's get into this. How long did you date Patty?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I dated them for. Until they died. I dated them until they passed away. Until they died.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, of course they passed away. If I'm recalling correctly, they passed away in 1990. 1946. On probably sometime in May. May 25th.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That was crazy. Like it was yesterday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You remember the day that they died? They died on the same day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Car crash.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it was not suicide crash.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, Stabbing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stabbing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stabbing. They both died of stabbing.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, I never heard that about. I mean, I know a lot about Patty Hill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know a lot about Mildred Hills.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sure, I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And together we're knowledgeable about the hills.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll say the guys who knew a lot about the Hill sisters. Okay, yes, that's the same way of saying it. But you classed it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't like to. Yes, I don't like to refer to us as guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

What would you prefer?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Chaps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chaps. Blokes, really. Now that seems low class to me to call you a chap or a bloke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, chap is very. Is very proverb.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I guess that implies friendship.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's more casual.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guess. What does chaps stand for? I know, it's short for something Constantly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hearing airplanes park great because only the rich, you see, back in the old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Days had access to airplanes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Access to aeroplanes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, nowadays it means you live close to an airport, which is actually the shittier party.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Isn't that funny? Language like this. Wizened old man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, hello.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Watch him out there. I'll come over there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes. And what will you do?

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy, this little fellow. Well, he has two thumbs. He can defend himself. He's an Englishman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm an Englishman. The constancy of my thumbs is you'd.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Never go at somebody unless you know they're not packing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Packing, packing, packing. We were just talking about airplanes. He must mean that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's. Are you going on a trip, old boy?

[Bobby Moynihan]

You might be going on a trip to heaven in a couple moments.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's obviously going to hell. We were just talking about that before you walked in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're missing the larger point. That was a threat.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This little old man just threatened my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

This tiny, wizened old man with a beard as long as he threatened you, Lord Webber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Four inches of beard on the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dirty, dragging behind himself like a wedding train.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He has socks the same color as the wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

How dare he very idea I. Where I'm from, you call ahead, find out what color the wall is, and you change your socks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where I'm from, we're ruled by an old lady.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Where I'm from, when you have sex with 60 year old women and then you don't talk out of turn or you get sliced up. That's what I'm saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say.

[Scott Aukerman]

My goodness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy. This is not on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we are not off to a good start.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't think we are either. Look, all I know is I was walking down the street, I heard your voices, and I was. I woke up outside of a time machine, okay? And I stood up and I said, I'm starving.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold up, hold up, hold up. You did what now?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Did I stutter or something?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't mean to imply that you stuttered. I just. It was a surprising bit of information. I think my ears must be deceiving me, and I wish they would stop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And quite frankly, Scotrick, if your ears are deceiving me, they are deceiving me as well, because I believe I heard the same thing that you heard.

[Scott Aukerman]

If my ears are deceiving you, they are deceiving you as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Okay, while they're at it. Yes, it sounded, if I'm not much mistaken, old fellow. It sounded as if you said you woke up.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Please call me forever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did you say?

[Bobby Moynihan]

What he said, old fellow. I don't. I mean, that's rude. Just call me by my name. My name's Forvo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It cannot be you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's this?

[Bobby Moynihan]

What's the problem?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well.

[Scott Aukerman]

It certainly can't be the Fourville we know, Scotrick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course not. The Fourville we know is a little boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tiny little boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And yet I feel as if this fellow has many of the same characteristics as the Fourville we know. And don't forget, I can't believe we're glossing over this. He did say he woke up outside of a time machine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes, he did say that. Or was that our ears deceived, or my ears deceiving you twice?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your ears, I think, have taken a break from the deception business.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had hoped that would happen, to be quite honest, because it's been 40 some odd years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How long?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's been 40 some odd years. It's been. I'll just say it's been a while. Been a while. But this is an odd situation to be in because A, his name is exactly the name as Forval the orphan that we knew.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

B, he's 37 inches tall, which if I am accessing the recesses of my mind correctly. Oh, the singularity is almost upon us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish it was here.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Forgive me.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Fourville we knew was about 36 and a half, 37 inches tall, as I recall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was about three hands tall. Yes, yes. Okay. And three hands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Human hands.

[Scott Aukerman]

Human hands, of course, yeah. But if I was gauging how high a horse would be, it would be about three hands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a small horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no, but four. Oh, I see. Using the horse hand system that we all use to compute how tall someone is. Not a horse's hand, by the way, which is a hoof.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a horse hand system, but not a horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's where a lot of people get confused because they say, how tall is that horse? Oh, it's about 20 hooves. In any case, my point being, Forval is the name. Three feet tall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Has access to time machines, which I believe our Forval was some sort of time bobby. No, his name was Forval.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Skotric.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was attempting to complete the phrase that you had begun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Time policeman is what I was gonna say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Which, where I'm from.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where's that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Magical land ruled by an old lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. With access to corgis. Yes, access to all the world's corgis and other dimensions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We say a sort of nicking name for policemen is a policing man. A policing man, yes. It's bobbing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, is that. Okay, so did we talk about that one of the last times you were on the show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think every time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay, okay. So now put those three things together. One plus one plus one in this case is not adding up to three, because this couldn't be the same Forville because the formal we knew was young.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, but I thought you were going to say that it all adds up to this being the same, Foval.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, oh, oh. I never thought about it from that angle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because, you see, the time machine.

[Scott Aukerman]

The time machine, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do think we shouldn't overlook that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's probably maybe the most important thing that he said other than his Name rather. He also seems to be flying into some sort of murderous rage and has said that he's packing something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he's threatened to slice me up. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know what? I feel like we should follow up on this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That said, my detective's instincts are kicking in.

[Scott Aukerman]

That said, we do need to take a break. Oh, so forville over there, old man Fourville.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sorry, I fell asleep a little bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Napping. Of course.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a thing that the old do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's getting harder and harder to stay awake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I understand, I understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You and all your relatives, I'm sure. Your napkin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I may even be in my 70s, so I know a little bit about it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

How did you know I have relatives? Do you know who I am?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was just saying. Your napkin.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do you have information about me that I don't know?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. What do you mean?

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's what I need.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is this napkin business?

[Scott Aukerman]

All of your relatives who like to take naps.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your napkin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I see. We need to take a break. Do you know what a break is, Torval?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, we had breaks. 90 years we've had breaks. Jesus fucking Christ. Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lag.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Weird face Scott, Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you know that? How did you know that?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, he called Scot Rick and the others and I don't see anybody named Rick. So I just cut it and have deductive reasoning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well done.

[Scott Aukerman]

The four we knew had a bit of deductive reason.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do you knew a 4 volt too?

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps we knew a fourville, but I want to get to the bottom of this. That said, we need to put our program on hold for. I wish there was a better way to describe this, but we need to take program.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't see a program happening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're doing a program right now.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't see it though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you see you're speaking into a microphone?

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's what this is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What did you just think was a long black cylindrical thing that we were sticking in your face?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, we need to. I wish there was a better way to describe this, but we need. There needs to be a time period in which we are not doing the show. I'm trying to explain it to you so you get it. But a time period in which we are not doing the show where we rest and we don't.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, like a commercial break.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh, you do know what it is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we've established that he does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Pack of cigarettes with ladies legs will come dancing by. This may be.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would be great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That would be great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I would really Love to enjoy that.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, tell you what, let's all go to the lobby, get ourselves a treat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's do that right now. When we come back in just a few minutes, Lord Webber and I will talk to you a bit, if that's all right.

[Bobby Moynihan]

We'll wait. That's Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe. I tell you what, why don't we cut to the break?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm n Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let's cut to a break. We'll follow up on this when we come back. Okay. Come back with comedy Bing Bong. Here we go.

[Ashley Flowers]

Hi, I'm Ashley Flowers, creator and host of the number one true crime podcast, Crime Junkie. Every Monday, me and my best friend Britt break down a new case, but not in the way you've heard before and not the cases you've heard before. You'll hear stories on Crime Junkie that haven't been told anywhere else. I'll tell you what you can do to help victims and their families get justice. Join us for new episodes of Crime Junkie every Monday. Already waiting for you by searching for Crime Junkie. Wherever you listen to podcasts. When a cold has you down, it's the little comforts that lift you up. A warm blanket, a cup of tea, and a tissue that actually feels good on your skin. Infused with aloe Kleenex Cooling plus Aloe provides a hint of cooling freshness to help your skin feel restored. So whether your skin is feeling dry, chafed, or irritated, you're only one wipe away from helping it feel relieved. The next time you have a cold, get a hint of instant cooling relief with new Kleenex Cooling plus aloe for whatever happens next, grab Kleenex. We all belong outside. We're drawn to nature. Whether it's the recorded sounds of the ocean we doze off to or the succulents that adorn our homes. Nature makes all of our lives, well, better. Despite all this, we often go about our busy lives removed from. But the outdoors is closer than we realize. With alltrails, you can discover trails nearby and explore confidently with offline maps and on trail navigation. Download the free app today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy Bang Ball.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not saying this right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy Bang.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Boo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy B Ball. Comedy B Ball. Comedy Big bow.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's okay. Welcome back to the show. We're here with a good friend, a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fellow named Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure could be any of the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who knows how many Andrew Lloyd Webbers there are in the world?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I feel like there's only one. Well, crazy coincidence.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, speaking of, there can Be only one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Speaking of crazy coincidences, forward slash, there can be only one.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're talking to also a man named. And you are a man. You're a man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even though you're short.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Adult man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've always wondered that. When someone is as short as you. Can you really call yourself a man or are you constantly a boy? Even if you've talked to me like that.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Are you kidding me? Very rude. I just did. You know. You know, I come here looking for answers and help, and you treat me. You say that I'm a little. This is ridiculous how you treat people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please, Mr. Forfeit.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Back in my day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I know. Yes, but we're both very sorry. Please, Mr. Volvo, please put another knife away.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It gets worse. I got another knife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why two knives. Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

He has two pockets, that's why. Oh my God. I hope he doesn't have any more pockets.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please, Mr. Fovel.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay, I'm putting them away. Let's put them away.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're all friends here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hold on. Look, you have to understand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Calm down.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a very confused man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which are you afraid as well?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm terrified.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Because I don't know who I am.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know that your name is Forville, correct? That's all that you know. And that you used to date Mildred Patty Hill.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Who could forget those ladies?

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you know your name was Forval?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Look, I trying to tell you. And then you went to one of your little stop parties or whatever you call it. Yeah, I woke up in front of a time machine, okay? I lifted up my beard. I'm covered in tattoos.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. And some of them tell me information once. This one here on my forearm says your name is Forvo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And why would your forearm lie?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct. I've never known my body to lie to me before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The body does try to tell us things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes your ears, though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes your ears can be deceptive, correct?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The ears are the liars of the body.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have one tattoo on my ear and it says you're Nell Carter. I don't believe that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not from Gimme a bre.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. No, I don't believe that one. Never, never believe one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never believe your ears. Never believe your ears.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never believe one's ears.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your ears are like the Johnny Knoxville of the body. They're playing pranks on you all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A pair of jackasses.

[Scott Aukerman]

No wonder jackasses have such large ears.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Skullshake, Isaiah. You've cracked the case.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sput.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's sput.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sput.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sput.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sput.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sput.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's crack this case.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. So for the audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sput, of course, stands for Scotrick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please understand this. And then it goes. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Spot.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Spot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scotrick. Please understand this. We need to crack this other case is what I was trying to say.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes, Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Forville.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes. Forville. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Forville. Is that how you pronounce it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not a town.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm not a town. I'm an old man. You.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're what?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm an old man.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are a man, though. You're not an old boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm an old man. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Do you know. Do you have a brother, Gary?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do? Yeah, from the Batman franchise.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I haven't seen him in years. The batting gentleman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course, the batting gentleman.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was great in that. Commish. He plays the Commish.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He plays the Commish.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a reboot of the Commish that Michael Chiklis once called.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. What was this Commish last? Hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Let's reboot it with a guy with hair, this time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With a guy with hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

With Fourville's brother. Okay. So what do your other tattoos say? Have you lifted up your beard to look at anything else other than your forearm?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I woke up.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's interesting that Fourville has a forearm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, not really. First of all, it's not Fourville.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm pretty sure it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not Fourville.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I feel like you're really laying into that ill. It's just Fourville. Like, you just say it, like naturally.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've done two shows with him. He's said his name quite often.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You've done two shows with who?

[Scott Aukerman]

This other four.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This other four.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Ville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fourville. That we know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please, I beg of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like Downtown Abbey. Fourville. Downtown Abbey.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Even I know that's fucking wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway, let's get back to this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So of all the times for ears. Not to be deceptive.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've lifted up your beard on other occasions, have you not?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, yeah, but this time I woke up and I was all confused and I was at the foot of a time machine and I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not at the head.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, no, no. I was at the foot of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say, was this time machine.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You could tell because the pillow was near the top.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. This time machine was shaped like a bed.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, yeah, like. Kind of like almost like a telephone booth bed. It was almost like a novelty bed for rich children.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, rich children who love to sleep in phone booths.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, like a doctor who mixed with bedknobs and broomsticks.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were there any. Any broomsticks about?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I believe I was next to a Home Depot. I'm guess that place is filled with them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's a bit of detail.

[Bobby Moynihan]

But I didn't see them with my eyes. I just saw the Home Depot.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you know it was a time machine?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It was clearly marked.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was clearly marked? Yeah. Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

The first thing I did when I woke up was say what? Where the fuck am I?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't remember language.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I'm using language to speak, asshole. What's your problem? I'm trying to tell my story and you're interrupting all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lord Webber, if you apolog.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, if you were the real Andrew Lloyd Webber, I would give you the respect you deserve because you're a brilliant man. But since you're some other guy, maybe I'll just treat you like a fucking asshole that you look like. How's that sound?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fair enough, I suppose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay, so let an old man finish his story. Respect your elders.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do apologize, sir.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great point.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should we. By the way, where I'm from, you call someone who's older than you. Oh, are you from Scottville, Scotland?

[Bobby Moynihan]

My apologies. I'm the asshole in that situation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's not Scotland, it's Scotland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course. Scotricland is what it used to be called, but we call someone by their surname. Do you have a surname that I could call you Mr. Whatever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Second name, as it were.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Mr. Foreville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should I just call you Mister? That sounds like I'm your servant. If I'm calling you Mr. Forville, I.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Don'T know any information about myself, so I'm trying. I don't know what other choices tattoos.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are there under your beard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great question.

[Bobby Moynihan]

The first tattoo I saw, I woke up all confused. No recollection of anything. The first tattoo I saw, your name was Fourville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great tattoo, great tattoo. And I said, was it reversed so you could see it in a mirror?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why would he need to see it in a mirror if it is on his arm?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, if it's on this part of the forearm.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, on one side of the arm it's right. And on the other side of the arm it's backwards. Just in case.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like an ambulance?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, sure. Correct. So my second tattoo says ambulance and on the back it's ambulance backwards and it says haha, you were always a kid or interesting. Yeah, strange. I thought that one. I guess I was a hilarious little scamp of a boy or something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I have a question. But first, any remaining tattoos?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes. There was one that said, don't eat that scrap. That's Dave Davidson's penis. I think I got. I must have stolen from the guy in cream. Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess this is a more accurate title.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There are a lot of missing cranes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

On my. There are a lot of misspellings. So that's another problem I'm having because.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know what's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're an unreliable narrator.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That leads me to this question. Whom do you suppose tattooed you with these tattoos?

[Bobby Moynihan]

The only thing I could think of is it was me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You put these tattoos upon yourself.

[Bobby Moynihan]

To remind myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Series of reminders, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

May I see the one on your forearm?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I say though, they didn't seem to have helped because you still.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's why I'm here. I'm not finished with the tattoos yet, so fucking let me finish. Not Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly, Mr. Falcon.

[Scott Aukerman]

May I see it though?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, those are exceptionally well done if you did them yourself.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I guess the one on your left arm is better done than the one on your right arm.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You would have had to have used your left hand.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct. Yeah. Maybe that's why it's spelled wrong, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's probably why I do have a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hard time spelling when I'm writing with my opposite hand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. That's the first thing that gets messed up. Yeah, the spelling.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Your brain gets confused.

[Scott Aukerman]

I never realized that that's how you spelled ambulance. Backwards.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. That's crazy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you think ambulance is spelled backwards?

[Scott Aukerman]

I always just imagined it would be. I don't know. I guess I thought I would say ambulance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How often have you thought about it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Once a day for 30 years. Five years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think I sound like a musical Robot?

[Scott Aukerman]

And for 35 minutes a day for 35 years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? Are you all right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course I am.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What the fuck is happening?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. I do do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Look.

[Scott Aukerman]

That may have been a path.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You have a 90 year old man in your room who has no idea where he's from. And all these tattoos and you're just making nonsense Hulk.

[Scott Aukerman]

That happens not often. I have to admit. I do have to admit that fact does not happen a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I admit it. Have to that not often does it happen. Happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I pray your indulgence. Would you please not listen to us for just a moment?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sure. Yeah. Is this going to become like a reoccurring thing now. I guess. I guess the guy who just time traveled will just sit in the corner and wait and not figure out his life or get help from the people. Because there was a tattoo that had this address and said, please find Andrew Lloyd Webber and Scott and they'll explain everything to you. And then the last tattoo said, beware of Fry vault. But I guess I don't know what that means, so go fuck yourselves. I'll be in the corner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's great.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hope I don't fall asleep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Skotrick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Lord Webber?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we may have to tell Forval who he is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who he is? That's dangerous. Yet at the same time, he already pulled on us.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It might be more dangerous to conceal the information from him, because if he does discover it and we have not helped.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Surely we'll pull knives on us.

[Scott Aukerman]

If someone like our engineer Cody or someone were to beat us to the punch and tell Forville who he is, we wouldn't want that to happen. Right. So we should probably do it ourselves. Yeah. So, Cody, back off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please do back off.

[Scott Aukerman]

How should we do it? How should we break this to him? I feel we should do it in steps, should we not?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. In stages.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we should name these stages.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Okay, great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sort of coding words.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so the first stage, I'll holler out so we know to begin the word Stage one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stage one. And will the one be a number or will it be spelled out?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It will be spelled out.

[Scott Aukerman]

If we were to do it mnemonically, which is, I'm assuming, how we would figure out what these code words would.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Be to remember them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes. Using the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device. And so first stage is called stage.

[Scott Aukerman]

One, by the way. In order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device. We remember that from Iotrts. Wmuamd.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We always say that back and forth to each other. Yes, yes. So in order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or to put it shortly, I O T R T S W M U.

[Scott Aukerman]

A M D. Of course. Yes. And I remember that because Trapper John MD was my favorite TV show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's how I remember it as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course. Okay. Yeah. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Roberts, take it from us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too soon. Oh, and Nell Carter, Stage one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stage one.

[Scott Aukerman]

How will we remember this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Say time and guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Say time and guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Excited over.

[Scott Aukerman]

New wigs Wigs. Okay, say time and guys excited over new wigs. Wait, that's gonna be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where did NW go for.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wigs? I mean, I am excited over new wigs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm always excited.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think maybe you got ahead of yourself. You're thinking about some of your new wigs that are being shipped to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was the end of the word new.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I was incorporating that into stage one, which it does not belong there, obviously.

[Scott Aukerman]

Say time and guys excited over new. That makes a lot of sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

New encyclopedias.

[Scott Aukerman]

Encyclopedia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Encyclopedia.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that seems very complicated. Why say time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why'd you say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Say, say time and guy. Time and guy over new encyclopedia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Say time and guys excited over new encyclopedia. I mean, look, what is the problem?

[Scott Aukerman]

I've committed to memory. IoT T R T S W M U a m. Well, I've committed adultery. Okay, when did you do that? Was that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, years ago. Years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that with Sarah Brayman?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was the one that you committed it with?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

With whom you committed a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And a pawn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't want to follow up on that. Okay, so say time and guys excited over new encyclopedia. Okay, I'm on board. I think I remember it. I've said it a few times. Say time and guys excited over new encyclopedia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Stage two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stage two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That should be the name of the second stage.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess it should. But how are we ever going to remember that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say, what if we employ a mnemonic device?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you mean I o t r t SW m u a m d. Yes. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Trap a job. So stage two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Simply terrific about every. No, simply terrific about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gabardine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gabardine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I said elephantine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Elephantine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Simply terrific about gabbity. Gaba. Dean. Elephantine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, tear stained.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Simply terrific about gabardine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Elephantine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tear stained wigs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Finally, the wigs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I knew it would come into play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Onomatopoeia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Couldn't be simpler.

[Scott Aukerman]

So simply terrific about gabardine, Elephantine. Tear stained wigs. Onomatopoeia. This is getting very hard for me to remember. Even using onomatopoeia, which is one of my favorite devices in the English language. This is getting a little difficult.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would it help if we remembered onomatopoeia?

[Scott Aukerman]

Onomatopoeia might be. So we would use onomatopoeia when we want to do stage two. How would we do it? Would we say like splash or something like that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, the sput, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sput. Okay. Why don't we just say sput?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scotrick. Please understand this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the third and final stage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Stage three. How would you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would call it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stage three is a wonderful title.

[Scott Aukerman]

As good a name as any.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's the best name.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Stage three. How should we remember stage three?

[Scott Aukerman]

We would say solo, I would imagine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you proposing using a mnemonic device as we have for the first two stages?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we may as well, since we're on the tactic. Okay, let's do that. So, solo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Transport.

[Scott Aukerman]

Transport. Great. Aphrodisiac. Okay. And then garden gnome.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All one word.

[Scott Aukerman]

Garden gnome. Because he sort of looks like a garden gnome. He's cute like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he does. He's a cute little stabby garden gnome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Garden gnome is two words. Though I do have to say. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not in this instance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, great. And then of course, there is Euripides.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

From the theater. That's homage to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Solo transportation. Garden gnome. Eurypides. Wait, the A. Did we miss the A?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Aphrodisiac.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Aphrodisiac.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Solo transport.

[Scott Aukerman]

Aphrodisiac.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then we have, of course, threesomes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lord Webber, are you feeling a bit randy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do I make you haughty, baby?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you having a laugh? Howard the Duck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly. All Woodward.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so we have regicide. Regicide.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ee. Cummings. But then don't say cummings.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, just ee. Okay, so solo. Transport. Aphrodisiac. Garden gnome. Euripides. Three. Some. Howard the Duck. Regicide. Ee. Cummings. Ee. Okay, great. So perfect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But do put cummings in brackets so that we'll remember the ee.

[Scott Aukerman]

No problem. I've been working on my bracket lately. All right, so here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Madness.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, I think it's time let's call Fourville over here, shall we?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Fourville.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, have you fallen asleep, Grandfather?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sorry. Her sleeping in the corner. Know I use this almanac as a pillow, so I just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It seems very hard and comfortable.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Soft almanac.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you having a nice dream?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know. I don't know if I'm dreaming or if I'm awake anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Currently you're awake.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I am, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you for telling me you were dreaming. Not seconds ago.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that almanac yours or was it here already?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was in my pocket when I woke up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? Oh, what year is the almanac from?

[Bobby Moynihan]

1937.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you've had it all your life?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I guess so. I don't remember most of my life, so I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lord Webber.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I've just been going off these tattoos.

[Scott Aukerman]

Say Time and over. Sorry, Never mind say time and guy is excited over new encyclopedia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you saying to me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, stage what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, stage one.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm sorry. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have some information for you, first of all, about me. Yes, yes, it's. We.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So it was right, I came to the right place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So that means you are Andrew Lloyd Webb.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's more of a stage three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sort of he's going nuclear option.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm tough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quite all right. Quite all right.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dear old fellow, we have met before, but when we met, you are a tiny little boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. A little orphan.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just a little orphan. You were just out of the streets.

[Scott Aukerman]

We never were able to ascertain your age. Downtown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You lived downtown.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your home address. You live downtown. When your life a mess, you live downtown. Where depression's just status quo. Down on skid roo. Someone tell me a way to get outta here. Cause I constantly pray I'll get outta here. Please won't somebody say I'll get outta here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Someone call lady luck I'm stuck here Downton.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, I got you saying it downtown. What should I say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I knew it. So when we knew you, we were unable to ascertain your age. We asked you several times point blank, you would never tell us.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Is that true?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's very true.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What a dick thing to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, but you were young. You were young.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were clearly a little boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Clearly, clearly. Clearly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were clearly a little. Just as clearly you are now an old man.

[Scott Aukerman]

And yet you may ask yourself, we are not old men. How could we know you when you were young?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Why have we not aged as you have?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Maybe. Did maybe this tattoo help. It says things will not be what they seem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lord Webber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Simply terrific about gabardino, elephantine, tear stained wigs on a map.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I quite agree.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Was I a good kid or a bad little boy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that brings us to stage two. You were, to put it mildly, you were a bit of a handful.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, you were very violent.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were more than a handful, which is how I like him.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You mean titties, right? You mean big, fat, big fat, juicy titties? Is that what we're talking about here? We're not getting down to that kind of guy talk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're not really.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is not a gymnasium, Forville.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We are not getting down to that little guideawg. Forville. You were a very violent little boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you'd stabbed many, many people.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Why did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why you had Eaten your own brother.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had nibbled on Jay Davidson's penis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it's true.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So who's this J. Is that like Day Davidson?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rather like. Rather like day.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's why I got all these knives of all different shapes and colors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Including a few icicles.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. A piece of raw meat. Cooking meat. And then there's all sorts of things here. It all seems somewhat familiar somehow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a lot of family? A lot of brothers. No sisters, as I recall. At least we've never asked about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That we knew of.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There's a list of names. It's is really 3 volt. 4 volt, that's right. No, it skips 5 for some reason. Goes 6, and then there's a fry vault.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fry vault? Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It says at one point you lived with Ray Parker Jr. That's correct, I think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

The composer all.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I got a little Fat little man. I got a lot of space. There's a lot of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're. You have a broad canvas.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hey, I mean, I could say it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you know, fair enough. Okay, I apologize, but really, a lot to work with.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just watch your back, bro.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Watch my back?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Really? And your front, too. Like, throat area. Yeah, you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

What should we tell him? Tell me what you should.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm coming here asking for questions and I need help. And now you don't tell me. To.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Impressions. Patience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Solo. Transport. Aphrodisiac. Garden gnome. Euripides. Threesome.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Are you having a frigging stroke? What is happening?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's flirtation. It's almost like a tweet.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Is that how you talk these days? Did I miss something?

[Scott Aukerman]

Howard the Duck. Regicide. Bracket E. E. Bracket. End.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Bracket, E. Like E. Coming?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, like E. Coming.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stage three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stage three?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Four Vol.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe that you children are the future. Yes. Hold their hands.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you know that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let them lead the way.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's a tattoo. The whole lyrics. Tattooed. That was the. I showed somebody and they were like, well, that's the lyrics to a Whitney Houston song. And evidently she passed, so rest in peace. I had nothing to do with that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, that's good to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good to know. Yeah, it's good to know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, you didn't sell her cocaine, did you? Oh, well, you shouldn't have done that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Indirectly then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe I shouldn't have done that.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I needed the scratch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you also sell heroin to anyone recently?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, boy. No, but I did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

David Brenner.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, but I did get paid $14 in some scraps. To drown William Chat and his wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

His wife, My goodness gracious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great balls of fire, even. We should probably go full stage three nuclear option and tell him who you are. Lord Webber. Lord Webber is indeed the Lord. Lord Webber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am that Andrew Lloyd Webber, for my sins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Creator of Josie and the Pussycats, famously.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Eve of Destruction.

[Bobby Moynihan]

E. The Longoria.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. I created her in Deliver us from Eva.

[Bobby Moynihan]

From Entourage. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is the creator of Eve from Entourage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Turtle.

[Scott Aukerman]

How is Turtle these days?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Turtle's wonderful. Thank you for asking.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He got very thin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he did. I was worried about Jerry for. For a little bit, but he's.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's really. He's really turned his life around.

[Scott Aukerman]

He really has.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you seen him in Lone Survivor?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he was wonderful in Lone Survival.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Small part, but there are no small parts, just small actors.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Turtle, he is a small actor. He's tedious, isn't he, E, though? He's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's even tiny, even tinier.

[Bobby Moynihan]

E is about 33 apples high, like a Smurf.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Forville, this is Andrew Lloyd Weber.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's an honor to meet you. I'm such a fan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, we have met before, of course, when you were a tiny little boy. But now it seems as if you've traveled through time from your own future to our present, which is your past.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I'm trying to get this straight. You came from the 30s where you grew up into a 13 year old boy, which I'm assuming is older than when we knew.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's true. When you started dating the Hill sisters.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you must have gone straight from here into some sort of time machine. Maybe you built this time machine.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Said the last time I was. The last time I looked, I had a tattoo that said, you will return to this place to right the wrongs that you did. And then that was crossed out and it was a check. It said done. And then. And then it said, go back to tell Scott the real truth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, now then, the last time.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A lot to take in. I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's a long tattoo as well.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That must have really hurt.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's pretty much my whole left leg. Yeah, the last time, the bottom of my left leg just says, you love. You love peach napple.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You had noticed you were drinking. It's true. That was an easy one.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're about as big as a peach snapple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That hardly seemed worth the tattoo as a reminder.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You know what, though? I'm not gonna lie. This stuff is delicious. I'm Glad I was reminded of it because I don't know if I would have just picked it right first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you don't regret the tattoo?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, that one I'm fine with. It's all the other ones that confuse the fucking shit outta me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone's taste buds are kind of different, you know what I mean?

[Bobby Moynihan]

So some people just really love the peach Snapple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think you'll find most people's taste buds are exactly the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Science.

[Scott Aukerman]

White science.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

White science.

[Scott Aukerman]

Science. She blinded me with science.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Why would she do such a thing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would she? So the last time, should we talk privately or should we.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I think the time privacy is over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, let's get it all out in the open.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Please, just give it to me straight, that's all I'm asking. You two seem to be my only friends.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gotric, I don't know how much of this you remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't remember anything after that show and I never listened to it. Back again gain.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know how to put this plainly and clearly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please, Lord Webber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You and Forval. I will remind you that I'm still Lord.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did address you as Lord, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You yelled at me as if I were a serving boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just trying to help, you know? Calm down, Scotland.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, Forval. You and Forval Scotrick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are actually the same person at different points in your timeline.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That seems completely impossible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And yet time travel has made it so really Scotric. Of course you'll remember that. You're a Time Bobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you have the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does that seem familiar?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, now that you say it that way. Yeah, no, I remember now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. So you have the ability. Ability to travel backwards and forwards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Backwards and forwards, yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Policing time, as it were.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Righting wrongs that have been done by time travelers. Yes, yes, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Forville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Forville. Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Jesus Christ.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've got me doing it. He is your past self. No, he was your future self.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, you know, it's hard to figure out. It may not even be canonical because I may be dead, by the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right, you may be dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

I may be dead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I remember hearing that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Yeah. And this all may be just happening in my imagination.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I can't believe that you two are the ones I have to rely on to figure out who I am. Because you seem to not know. Sometimes you just go into nonsense talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, why don't you go visit the Comedy Bang Bang Wiki? You came to us.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What the hell? It's a Wiki. I Don't even, okay? I'm just trying to help.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put it away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you just trying to help?

[Bobby Moynihan]

The last tattoo says you're a good boy and you were just trying to help. It says, lift up your head, wash off your mascara.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here, take this Kleenex.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you. I gotta wipe this lipstick away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Show me that face. Why are you waiting?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Clean as the morning I know things were bad hey. But now they're okay Suddenly formable How do you know? This is standing beside me? He don't need no tattoo Tattoos or makeup I don't have to pretend yes, you can. Suddenly Forvo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is here to provide me.

[Bobby Moynihan]

With hopefully some answers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hopefully some answers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Orville's our friend.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I felt it was best if I just dropped out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I probably should have as well.

[Bobby Moynihan]

How did you know that? We must be the same person. We must be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, how did I do then?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait a minute. Maybe it's just a popular song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's an established song.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I've forgotten mostly everything I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's an actual song everyone has access to. Yes, certainly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? I feel like we need to take another time period in which we would not do the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, another stop party. What was it called?

[Scott Aukerman]

Stopping party. Partway stop. But partway stop because we're going to continue.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. Sell some cigarettes to children.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. So can't kids take up smoking? We'll be right back after this stopping time.

[Ashley Flowers]

Hi, I'm Ashley Flowers, creator and host of the number one true crime podcast, Crime Junkie. Every Monday, me and my best friend Britt break down a new case, but not in the way you've heard before and not the cases you've heard before. You'll hear stories on Crime Junkie that haven't been told anywhere else. I'll tell you what you can do to help victims and their families get justice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Justice.

[Ashley Flowers]

Join us for new episodes of Crime Junkie every Monday. Already waiting for you. By searching for Crime Junkie wherever you listen to podcasts, we all belong outside. We're drawn to nature. Whether it's the recorded sounds of the ocean we doze off to or the succulents that adorn our homes, Nature makes all of our lives, well, better. Despite all this, we often go about our busy lives removed from it. But the outdoors is closer than we realize. With alltrails, you can discover trails nearby and explore confidently with offline maps and on trail navigation. Download the free app Today at Strayer University, we help students like you go from will I to why not? For over 130 years, we've been innovating higher education to make it more affordable, accessible and attainable so you can reach your goals. Go from thinking, can I? To yes, I can. And keep striving. Visit Strayer. Edu to learn more. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Chev and its many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bank.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why can't I say this right? Comedy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Come.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say fovel. You try saying it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

The Big Bang, David.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big Bang theory. That's what it is, is that you're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Clearly the same person. Comedy Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Podcast. Not the television program.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome back. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome back to the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

1919. Paul Hardcastle, of course. Let me Science.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She blinded me with science.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sock it to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Socket. Great to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're here with Andrew Lloyd Webber. I'm, of course, Scott Aukerman, your intrepid host. And we have an old man guesting with us.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Very hungry old man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm hungry as well, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sort of hungry too. It is lunchtime, so you're all jokes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Aside, I'm actually pretty hungry.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I could eat.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not special. In that case, at what point? Fourville. I know we have to pick up some threads that we had left behind.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, yeah. Just these threads that are on my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have some questions.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Not so nonchalantly. They swing that around.

[Scott Aukerman]

At what point do you call yourself an old man? You know, like, when do you. What age was it? Or did you realize.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a good question. Certainly this is the topic that needs addressing the most right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just wonder, at what point does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

An old man realize and accept the fact.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Is it retired or is it like at 65?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Is it a number?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it just a feeling, a number of wrinkles upon one's face? Is it when someone says, hey, old man? Yeah. You know, do you receive any sort.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of notification from the government?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have a tattoo that says, you're an old man now. So that's how I found out for the first time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You read that tattoo?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You realize I am an old man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I also, one time I was. I was looking at a little chippy on the street, a little lady, and she said, ew, that old man's looking at me. And I was like, oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Confirmation.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No more. Did you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Time to stop hanging out at colleges.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were hanging out in colleges after you got out of the time machine.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was your first stop.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I Thought the tattoo started to come to us. Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was looking for scraps, and it just happened to be, you know, old habits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dial.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, tell me about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Buy a Home Depot.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was buying a Home Depot next to a college. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I mean, is that so crazy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dormitories need supplies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, is this a college in Boston?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I know which one you're talking about. The Boston area.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So anyway. So you just knew you were an old man coming out of thing.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay, well, yeah, I think I got a beard down to my toes. It's a little dirty at the bottom.

[Scott Aukerman]

And, like, still, I've seen some young hipsters who have beards crazier than yours. Fourville.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's true. They have competitions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beard Wars. What was an IFC show that they used to make me be around?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's correct. They used to make you be around it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Beard War.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beard Wars. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what it was with the Jack Passion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Passion.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's a problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or did you say Drac Passion?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish that I had said Drac Passion.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Drag Passion. That's a great character name for something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's actually a good name for a clone.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Drac Passion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Drag Passion. A clone like Boba Fett.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, clone.

[Bobby Moynihan]

The most famous clone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I feel like we're getting wildly off topic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Played by the incomparable Jeremy Bullock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jim J. Bullock played Boba Fett.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm sorry. I said it wrong. You are correct, Jim J. Bullock.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scott. Rick. I feel as if you need to. If I may quote the Jerky Boys. Clean your ears out, Jerky.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, they're just deceiving me again. That's what it is. Okay, good advice from the Jerky Boys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think they refer to themselves as Jerky Men now?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I hope so.

[Scott Aukerman]

I read that Rolling Stone article.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're acting like a real rubberneck.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe I was quoted.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listen, Sizzle chest.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, piss clam. Come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, back to the topic at hand. Here we go. Forval. We need to figure out what happened to you, because as far as I remember, the last time you were with us. Do you see this iron contraption in the corner here?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And do smell Frenching fries?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I do. They smell, though. That's just. I'm starving.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're sort of a prize that we give ourselves when we have completed a good show.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think we'll get them today?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I hope so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it for us to judge?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's more for the historians to decide.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Once history tells us we will eat those frigid fries.

[Scott Aukerman]

But anyway, this is what we call a Fry vault.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Now, that is.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I got that tattooed on my arm that said that I'm relating. How am I related to it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Is unrelated to the tattoo on your arm. That seems like it would be a coincidence, would it not? Because there is something else called a freible.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that is your blood relation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

By which we mean brother.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, oh, no, my brother.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your brother, Fryvald.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Beware of rival.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. He's a terrifying fellow.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's terrifying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He makes as violent as you are. He makes you look like a bloody pacifist.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

He makes you look like a jerky.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He makes you look like Leo Biscalia, a reference I heard recently on another podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good one. So he's your brother and he's dangerous. He's bad news. We met him the last time we saw you when you were a little boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. Dalai Lama would have been a better reference.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dalai Lama.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Dalai Lama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I stayed with the Dalai Lama for a little while at the Devil before.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got to us. You went to the Home Depot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or you passed many, many deejol before following the advice of the tattoo.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Pretty much all over the place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why now? Why did you wait so long? Hold on a second. Did you wake up at the foot of the time machine as an old man?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. Yes, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I thought maybe he woke up, you know, as. And then he just took his time.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm not very good with time because I don't have a calendar, so it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does make things easier.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really does. Also, your appointments, you can keep track of them?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, many appointments. Many appointments.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you woke up next to that college in Boston.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I guess. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. And then you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You seem to think it's in Boston. You had a very, like, almost condescending way of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very specific about it. I wish I understood what anyone was talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you understand.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I get it. I get it. But, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, I'm well aware that you understand. You understand because I understand.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You say for the sake of finding out more information about my life, I'm willing to move past that journey.

[Scott Aukerman]

So then you stayed with the Dalai Lama for a while.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you. You made your way to us. How long were you with the Dalai Lama?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Until he. Until he paid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Dalai Lama passed away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're saying the Dalai Lama has passed away? When? Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Where?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The reporter's questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a better Question how.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, and also whom.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I stabbed him in the face.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

4 Volvo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why the face?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why did he stab him in the face? It's gruesome.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was sleeping and he said, it's time to get up before Vaughn. I said, what the fuck do you think you are, bro? I'm sleeping. And just pow, right in the kisser.

[Scott Aukerman]

Walking Dead style.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. What's that? What's a Walking Dead?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's a television program.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do you watch the Walking Dead?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do watch the Walking Dead, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no spoilers, though. Thank you. Is Rick still alive, though? Give me that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, when are we recording this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who knows?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He may be dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

He may be dead at this point, yes. What about the Flocking Dead? Never mind, we'll get. Okay. Anyway, so you stab the Dalai Lama.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He's in the face. I ran away and I stayed at a very nice actor Steve Ewan's house for a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe it's Yun.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't pronounce that correctly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he certainly didn't.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Why is he a famous actor? What television show is he upon?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's upon the. With the Walking Dead program.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What a quanky dink.

[Scott Aukerman]

Quank dook dink. What a canker sore.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how long were you there with. With him?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Until he died. Well, fake die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

He just on the show.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think it was just makeup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think it was just makeup?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, he tricked me. He's the only person to ever survive.

[Scott Aukerman]

My wrath because he put on zombie makeup that was lying around the show. Oh, so you came upon him, thought.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He was dead, Bill Murray style and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, Zombieland.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Zombieland. That I seen Adam, who has watched that at the Dolly. First thing I did when I woke up, certainly. I had a tattoo that says, do yourself a favor, go to a red box and get yourself a Zombie land. Once I found out what a red box was, I watched that. And then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that. Is that still a thing? As of this recording, I'm not sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do not know.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It just stopped.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. No, no one needs them no more.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did the Dalai Lama have a personal one in his.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Of course. He's the Dali.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do you think he was so serene? So we'd all be. We could all be as serene as the Dalai Lama if we had our own personal red box.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like to think that's what Netflix is, is your own personal red box.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What's a Netflix?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a. How impossible to describe.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How could.

[Scott Aukerman]

How could one describe a Netflix?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know envelopes?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Of course, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, do you like a lot of them lying around your house?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Have you ever wanted to store movies that you would never watch in a sleeve of paper?

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever wanted to pay?

[Bobby Moynihan]

That was my life's dream.

[Scott Aukerman]

A company to store a round thing in your house?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Have you ever felt like you wanted to be a movie warehouse and pay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone for that privilege up to seven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Movies at a time?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. You could do that now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. You could pay someone for the privilege of being a movie warehouse?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's kind of what we're talking about.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That makes complete sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you ever wanted to impose a weird guilt on yourself?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That you didn't know even existed?

[Scott Aukerman]

Then there also is a weird guilt of DVR clearing off your dvd. There's a lot that you have to catch up.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I'm sorry. There's a lot that I'm missed.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of guilts for modern people in our society, but a lot of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Guilt for modern people.

[Scott Aukerman]

I imagine things were simpler back in the 30s.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Very simple. I mean, all I did all day was hit a little circle with a stick. That's all I ever did. I had a blast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you just hit it with the stick. Did you ever try to get this. The circle to stand up and then.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And roll it around? No, I never thought of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just were hitting it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I just beat the living out of it while I was on the ground. We called it Beat the Circle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who called it? You and the. The Hills.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Me, the Hills. You know, Alfred Hitchcock.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Alfred Hitchcock?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was a big movie director at the time, doing movies like Foreign Correspondent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait a minute now. Volvo. I. I hesitate to ask this question. How did he die?

[Bobby Moynihan]

He was taking a shower.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. This is ending up to be highly ironic. I bet.

[Bobby Moynihan]

How so? He was taking a shower.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Bobby Moynihan]

In a hotel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, keep going.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know why, I don't recall at the moment, but I happen to be dressed as an old lady.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that so?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think so. It might have been Halloween time. And I just. There was this song playing, this weird song. It's like. Like a weird. I don't even know. And I stabbed the shit out of him. I opened a curtain and just stabbed the shit out of him. And how did you. Chocolate syrup spilled out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. How did you know?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not blood?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, not blood. Back then we didn't have blood. We used chocolate syrup.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You use chocolate syrup as blood in your body?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask, when the curtain was drawn, how could you Tell it was him. I mean, by his silhouette.

[Bobby Moynihan]

By his profile. Yeah, it was his profile.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When the curtain was. When the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Before the shower curtain. When it was drawn.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or I guess drawn open, drawn shut.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm talking about before he did it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I actually drew a picture of what it looked like anyway. Also, though, if I. I say if.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I were Alfred Hitchcock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Oh, and I hope that one day you are.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Who knows who you are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because if I. If I had a famous silhouette, I would. Would put it on the outside of my showering curtain, and then I would endeavor to. To walk into that silhouette.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's every shower.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would make a silhouette of myself naked, too. And I would give myself absolutely. You know what I'm saying down there. Oh, man. I try to fill that up every time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lord Weber, you are in a rampy mood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perhaps I am. I've weakened in my hugger state.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you fancy a shag?

[Bobby Moynihan]

So, do you want an hour later?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, I thought that you said that you. Were you going to provide him with a shag.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know. I just wanted to know if he.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wanted to be hungry for now. And later.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let's get back to business.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do they still.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're in danger.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

In what?

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's why I came here. I followed the tattoos. They gave me this address. They said, find them and tell them of the danger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is this danger? Tell us of it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

We corrected the problems last time. But there is a problem anew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anew. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. What is this new problem?

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's the problem. I must have ran out of ink. It says, tell Scottrick and Andrew Lloyd Webber that fry very careful. And it just. And then it make no sense after that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think what may have. Because I'm looking at your body. Okay, so am I. Weird.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems as if you've run out of canvas. Maybe you just ran out of space. But have you looked everywhere on your body, including the places that you can't look? Maybe one of us should look in one of these places.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scotrick, you should look.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're trying to say you want to look at my asshole. I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think he is trying to say that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I was gonna say where the sun doesn't shine.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, my asshole.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mind turning around, grabbing your ankles?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I got no problem with that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There we go.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. And there she is, trousers down. Scotrick, what do you see?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, first of all, he's a very tiny person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he has a very tiny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exceedingly small.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has a very tiny anus, stand to reason. But it seems as if he's tattooed around the circle of his anus.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's a circle. Thank God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wait, what did you think it was?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I just. I've never seen it before, so I was always afraid maybe it was like one of those Play doh. Spaghetti house things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a star.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was just hoping it wasn't going to come out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It never occurred to me to be worried about something like that, but now I am.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You've never seen it? You know, who knows?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You never asked the Dalai Lama to take a look down?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, that's r. Come on, man. That guy was nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One doesn't ask the Dai Lama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not even Steven Yun.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He was the. You know, he got away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, he's the one who got away. Let me. Let me see if I can. I. I need a magnifying glass of some sort.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where are you?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, your monocle is also a magnifying glass.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

My goodness. I need to attach it to some sort of a stick, though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, here you are. My scepter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So I'm attaching Lord Webber's monocle to his scepter, and I have some sort of makeshift magnifying glass.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me hold it up to your anus. Circular, by the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Looks good for those listening at who.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So the window's open. You just burned my asshole.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pull the shade.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me draw the shade shot. I see two words. I'm going to have to turn my head in a circular fashion in order to see these, as they're not straight lines.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let me read them as I turn my head. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Frie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Vault. Fry vault.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fry vault.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's my brother. Or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or they are evolved. We're in one store. Cringing fries.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Spencer's killing me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So we. It may be referring to either of these, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At this point, we do not know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Returneth. Freibald Returneth.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's weird, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Interesting, Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting, interesting. Freiblet Returneth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Freibald returneth.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It sounds like he's coming back, but with a couple extra letters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In a biblical fashion.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm wondering why. Why wouldn't you just say returns?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know. It just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe you like the pain.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps the extra two letters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perhaps it wasn't Fovel who enacted that to. Perhaps it Was Freywald himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. I think it would be hard to reach. Well, it's not hard to reach, obviously, but it would be hard. Hard to at least spell, I wipe.

[Bobby Moynihan]

My butt every day. My eye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every day.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, that's a luxury.

[Bobby Moynihan]

But you don't wipe your butt every day.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you wipe your butt every. Wait. Lord Webber, do you wipe your butt everywhere?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a seemly conversation, but I will say you should do it every day.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a homeless scamp who lives on the streets. I got one of the clean, cleanest b holes in history.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think every three days is fine.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Well, in any case, who do you think tattooed that upon poor Forval over here? Huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I believe it must have been Freyvolt. And he is sending a message to us that he is coming.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So how can I believe any of these?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think Freible maybe tattooed everything upon you?

[Bobby Moynihan]

What if I was captured by him and he did it just to get his revenge? Cause we killed him last time? Time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel as if that may be the case. And I also feel.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What if he returns?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What do we do? It is possible we need some mnemonic device to figure out what happens if Freible returns.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy. Here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put on a pot of coffee.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's see.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just gonna settle in here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, now it's a mnemonic. What are we trying to remember?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Freible returneth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If he return, first we must decide what shall be. We do. Then we need a mnemonic device to remember what we shall do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So I guess we would need to defend ourselves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And we should. We should stop Thrival for the good of all mankind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But maybe we would need a weapon of some sort in order to defend ourselves.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I mean, I got that. I got a whole bunch.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do? What do you. What do you have? What do you have on here?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I mean, I got. I got Boeing knives, I got hunting knives. I got butter knives. I got a couple Rottweilers stocked in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have Rottweilers inside your pockets? Yeah, Tiny ones. Tinier than you. Little, tiny Rottweiler that I gotta see.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at that teacup Rottweiler.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at that fellow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness. He was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And terrified.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mind if I pet him?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Be careful. They haven't eaten in days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you feed your Rottweilers before you feed yourself?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's so nice.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we should. Should figure out some means of attack on Freible.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I just want to be prepared because you guys seem like such nice people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Bobby Moynihan]

In my time of need. When I saw these tattoos, I thought they're the only people in the world that could help me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You seem like you've grown up a lot since the last time we saw you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, since the last time you saw in me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I saw in you since the last.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Time you, Goldie, saw in me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I just saw in you, by the way. And you might need to check up.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, no. Well, coming from the guy who only wipes his ass once every three days.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got you there.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still, get yourself checked out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You should. You should get yourself checked out.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's probably a mess down there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I saw some weird stuff down there.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, we need to figure out some sort of defense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

A weapon of some sort of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, certainly in a way. Knives. The Rottweilers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should we say Rottweiler grab?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rottweiler snatch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rottweiler snatch.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That can't be misconstrued as anything else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rottweiler, if memory serves, is R O T T W E I, L, L, E, R. Is that correct?

[Scott Aukerman]

It is R O, T, T W E I, L E, R. Just one L. Yes, just one L. I was so close. So sorry. Rottweiler snatch. All right, so here. Rottweiler snatch. Okay. And how shall we remember this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's see.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Seems like a very specific fetish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I would hate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's use a mnemonic device.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you don't say. All right, I do. I would hate it if we were to end this episode and then not see a bunch of websites devoted to this fetish after we completed.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rottweiler snatch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mean we.

[Scott Aukerman]

Webbing sites.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We would look at them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

As a family.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There's more guy stuff. We're just gonna hang out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Into getting into the guy stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so how new, mon?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. We are to destroy Frival tube using these tidy tech dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna say that. Right. We are to destroy Ellipsis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sadly. Good luck remembering it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, what a situation we are in to have to destroy Freyvault using these tiny Rottweilers. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What was wrong with what I said?

[Scott Aukerman]

Too long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Oh, I see. But this one's just right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just right. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

T.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you for helping me in my battle against Fryville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's nice.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A. Motherfuckers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There was. I wasn't done yet you added your.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kind of 4 volt spin on it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, did I?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Patois of the streets. Second tea to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tea time. Take a break and murder Fry Vault.

[Scott Aukerman]

W. Wigs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's gotta be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gotta be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

E. E. Earth is where we will kill Fryvald.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's very good. That's very good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not up in the Vicar of Yank's satellite.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly not.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He's not around anymore either.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What. What have you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you come up to space, killed the vicar?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Vague memory that I may have done something to him in the past.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do hope that. That he's still.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope he's.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He's a wonderful gentleman. Me too. Now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nicest.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm hoping. I don't remember. So I'm hoping I did nothing, but quite possible that I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just have a feeling.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I'm hooked on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm hooked on phonics myself. I to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm hooked on a feeling.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm hooked on a feeling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's right.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That was an amazing coincidence.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. L. Look here. I'm hooked on a feeling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Feeling perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. E to you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

ET Phone home. Because Fourville is gonna kill Fry Vault. Hopefully in that song pattern.

[Scott Aukerman]

R to you, Lord Webber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Let's murder Fry Vault, matey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're getting. I assume you'll be shouting it when you do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course I will. So of course my. My voice will deteriorate into cockney.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. S. Say, wouldn't it be a thing to kill Freyvault?

[Bobby Moynihan]

N to you, Nell Carter is not who you are. You are Farval, the man who will help kill Freyvolt and save Andrew Lloyd Webber. And the other guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. A to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A. Wigs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh. Or A like the Fonz.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's for another mnemonic device.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. That'll mess us up.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm sorry. Sorry. I don't know where I got that from.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I feel like we almost need to start over. Getting confused by this Fonzie type exclamation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know if I feel that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. T to me. Sorry, but I developed a lisp. But let's kill Fryvault.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thirdly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mm. C to you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Kind of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the final letter to Andrew Lloyd Webber. The honor of the final letter. H. Hello. And we all know when one says hello, it is polite to say hello back. So we should add another H. Probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And there are three fingers pointing back at you.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. So add another H for hello. For both. Of us to say hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it Rottweiler Snatcher. Ha.

[Scott Aukerman]

Snatch her. Yes, of course. So. So here's the situation that we're in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Frey Vault to review. If Frey Vault were to ever burst upon the scene. The scene. Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Wouldn't it. Wouldn't it be crazy if he was here right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

It would be crazy. He is not, though.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Wouldn't it be crazy if he was here the whole time?

[Scott Aukerman]

It would be crazy, of course.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Wouldn't it be crazy if he had dressed up like an old man to fool you guys and he was just here the whole time?

[Scott Aukerman]

Would be crazy, of course. But that is not the situation. Zip. Hello, Freible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you remember me?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Remember, you tried to kill me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's vaguely familiar.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, yeah, Vaguely familiar.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's up, Andrew Lloyd Webber?

[Bobby Moynihan]

You forgot me. I was a Sondheim fan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this is Stephen Sondheim, I think. Oh, yes, I'm Stephen Sondheim. From America. From New York. From New York City. I can tell by your accent how you do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, you love barbecue sauce, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I love barbecue sauce.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's an honor to meet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll get to you in a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yo. Uh, I'm not. I'm not Scott. You're not Zip.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello? Thorva. Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why, you're just a little boy. Where am I?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Who the hell are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're here. Do you have any scraps? You're on Earth.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do you have any scraps? Yo.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is up. Hey. Oh. I killed Fourville in a previous time.

[Bobby Moynihan]

To take his body to come back here to skit to kill Scott Arkerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't kill me and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I thought I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I had some zombie makeup lying around I stole from Steven Young.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That is the most brilliant trickery I've ever heard.

[Scott Aukerman]

The greatest trick that Fourville ever played was getting to Buzomi makeup. Thank God my brother is still alive.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

I missed you. I missed you. I'm sorry I had to kill you. You didn't kill me.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why'd you want to kill me?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I had to because you guys killed me when I did nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, now, I, of course, didn't kill anyone. I'm from America. Wait, is this.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Who is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this Steven? It's me. Steven, this is the incomparable Stephen Sondheim. Bow down, Frivel. Don't you see what's happening? What? That's not Stevenson. What do you say? What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you doing, Scotrick?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not Scotrick.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Scottrick, wait.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you Fovel?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm Fauville.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hooter Fauville.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What in the.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm Fauville. This is a plan that we hatched.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Look, all I know is I came here to kill some time bobbies. And if we have all somehow collapsed upon each other inside out at some point. Sort of vortex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you own a vortex, by the way?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do I own a vortex?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, mine's under my bed. I never use it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, well, we lived in the same house for a little while, so, yeah. Maybe I slipped into that vortex somehow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe I'm thinking of my Vorplex.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm very frightened and afraid.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You do not look frightened. You look more confused than anything else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you hear his voice? He slipped out of the New York accent.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, you motherfucker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it is Antonio Lloyd Web.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Yes, it is I, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I am prepared to accept whatever fate awaits me at your hands, or the hands of you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Fry forth.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll let you do the honors and just say what you want to do to this, because he's really. He's. He's really just a.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Tell me about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I mean, this guy is a piece of man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What crime have I committed other than inspiring me millions with my musical compositions? I go to my grave, if to the grave I must go with my head held high in service of Her Majesty.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You treated my little brother like shit. He wanted to live with you, and you said nothing. You would not let him. As a matter of fact, you played him like a fool. And then he came back to apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

All I wanted was a nice man with a nice home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I offered to let you live in a golden cage, but you threatened to stab me again and again. And a few times you did stab me, Mother.

[Scott Aukerman]

You put me in a cage again forval.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We've talked about your language.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, don't you talk to him like that. He could talk any way he wants. Frywald's here.

[Scott Aukerman]

My bigger brother, Freyvald, here now. And he's gonna protect me. And besides that, I'm also packing. I got the Rottweilers. He was in disguise. He doesn't have any of them. I actually got the Rottweilers right here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rottweiler snatch.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What? What? What?

[Bobby Moynihan]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Excuse me?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What I just said. Rot. Wirelessness.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I know what that was because I was dressed up as Fourville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, I knew what it was because I'm dressed up like Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

You are Scott. No, I'm. Wait, am I?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think you two Better kill each other.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Let me check this almanac for a second here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Check the almanac. Who am I?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Turns out the Red Sox won the World Series recently.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, that. That. That team in Boston?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. Let me put my costume back on.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Zip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, I'm back. I realize now that Forville and I are the same person. That I'm just wearing a Scott costume. But I actually am Forville.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you. I'm sorry. You just realized that you're wearing a Scott costume?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I've been wearing a Scott costume my whole life. And that I actually am Forville. And you are Freible. My brother. Correct.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Dressed. I was dressed up as an old Forval.

[Scott Aukerman]

As a joke. You tricked me into thinking that I was an old man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Also, that we could kill Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let's kill Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I say we do this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say let's kill Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Full circle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We find ourselves at a curious circumstance.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Shut the fuck up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Moynihan]

This is the Grizzly man himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not the Grizzly Man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, I thought that was an autobiography.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, this was not an autobiography.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Yeah. Grizzly Man's not about the director of the film.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I did not realize that.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. Werner Herzog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been dressed up like Andrew Lloyd.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Webber for this whole time. Every time you have spoken to Andrew Lloyd Webber, it has secretly been me.

[Scott Aukerman]

The entire time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The entire time.

[Scott Aukerman]

So where is Andrew Lloyd Webber?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He doesn't exist.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Say what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is a creation of legend. It was originally to make children eat their vegetables.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was why Andrew Lloyd Webber was invented, to make children eat their vegetables.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It didn't work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, clearly. Was it a thing of if you don't eat your vegetables, you'll have to go to an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, interesting.

[Bobby Moynihan]

God, we are really involved in a quite a buttercream effect right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the buttercream effect, I think. My goodness. So every. My whole world has collapsed in upon itself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And mine as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every time Andrew Lloyd Webber has been on the show, it's been you and disguise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that is correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Disguise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Disguise, disguise.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Right there.

[Scott Aukerman]

No wonder. You said you had two thumbs when you were Andrew Lloyd Weber.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've only known one other guy to have two thumbs, and that's been you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, my thumbs are so constant that I might as well be an Englishman.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to say. This is technicality. No, down. Boo. Over.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Technicality. No, down. Boo.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, this is technicality. No down. Boo. Over. I don't Like. Yes. I don't. Technicality.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No. Down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boo.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Coco Marks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, Coco Marks is here? Yeah, it's me.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did. This is.

[Scott Aukerman]

He started.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Zip. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's me, Aaron Neville. Aaron Neville?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Layers upon layers. What?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's me, Fievel. From the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

From An American Tale.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct. Somewhere out there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Zip, it's me, Peeble Bryson. Somewhere out there, Girl.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Zip, it's me, Aladdin. Didn't you sing a song for Aladdin?

[Scott Aukerman]

A whole new world. Don't you dare shut your eyes. Wait. Are you who you. We think you are Zip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Y' all Hear him? Sirens.

[Scott Aukerman]

J.W. stillwater.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. There's a crime going on here, y' all murderers. Zip, it's me, Jesse the Mind Soul Body Ventura. Zip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's the Sheriff of Nottingham.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Zip, it's me, Jazz. Jazz.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jazz. Jazz. Who's Jazz? Jazz from.

[Scott Aukerman]

From. This is an obscure one, right? Jazz. The.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a fan of the show the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Barber from the Barber Shop.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm trying to remember his details. Zip. Ha. Well, looky here. Oh, wow. Huell Howser. I'm back from the dead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. Risen from the grave. Or is it just Steve Young zombie makeup. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Zip. And bring out the girls.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Zip, I was lying the whole time. It's me, Fourville. Again. The real Fourville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Zip. Zip, it's me, Scott. I was lying the whole time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Zip, it's me, Andrew Lloyd Webber. I was lying the whole time.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You motherfuckers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You motherfuckers.

[Scott Aukerman]

You motherfuckers as well. Science.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're all just a bunch of motherfuckers.

[Bobby Moynihan]

We're all a bunch of time traveling motherfuckers.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're like the ears, but people. We were lying to each other.

[Bobby Moynihan]

We all lied. We were folding in on each other. And it's gotta stop.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's gotta stop.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There's only one way to stop it. What's the.

[Scott Aukerman]

That.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Like this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rottweiler snatch. Rottweiler snatch rot.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You can't do this. Yeah. You motherfuckers. This will never happen again. I'm gonna get on my pony. I'm gonna drive away. I will return.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at him drive. That pony. It's got eight legs. Oh, Scotrick. I feel as if I have very deep knifing wounds.

[Scott Aukerman]

It looks as if that is so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is blood through my fingers.

[Scott Aukerman]

He got me Walking Dead style. Right in the forehead.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Hello? Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hi, I'm Jay Davidson. I was looking for my penis.

[Ashley Flowers]

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