Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 4 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 4 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan) Summary

Release Date: July 3, 2025
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Paul F. Tompkins (Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber), Bobby Moynihan (Forville)

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Introduction to the Episode [01:03 – 02:26]

Scott Aukerman welcomes listeners to a special Bonus Bang episode, marking the finale of the "Time Bobby Bonus Bang" series. Originally aired on May 23, 2016, this fourth installment features Paul F. Tompkins portraying the illustrious Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Bobby Moynihan reprising his role as Forville, the once "stabby orphan" who now claims to have reformed his violent ways.

Character Dynamics and Setting the Scene [02:26 – 15:00]

The episode immerses listeners into a whimsical universe where Scott, as Lord Andrew, engages in playful banter with Paul and Bobby. The conversation kicks off with humorous exchanges about yoga, Star Wars references, and protocols in haunted houses. At [03:37], Paul humorously recounts his visit to a haunted house where a doctor committed heinous acts, blending macabre storytelling with comedic flair.

Exploring Forville's Transformation [15:00 – 26:00]

Bobby Moynihan’s character, Forville, begins to share his journey of personal transformation. At [20:07], Scott and Paul commend Forville on his newfound peace, highlighting his shift from a troubled past to a more positive demeanor. This segment delves into Forville's attempts to distance himself from his "stabby" tendencies, emphasizing themes of redemption and personal growth.

Humorous Interludes and Wordplay [26:00 – 36:00]

The trio engages in a series of witty exchanges filled with puns, pop culture references, and playful misunderstandings. From discussions about lawnmowers ([30:00]) to mock-serious debates on musical terminology ([07:00 – 08:30]), the conversation remains lively and entertaining. Notable is Paul’s imitation of Patrick Swayze and the playful critique of musical semicolons.

Forville’s Crisis and the Five Stages of Grief [36:00 – 65:00]

The narrative takes a dramatic yet comedic turn as Forville reveals he was bitten by a radioactively altered spider, granting him superpowers but also causing severe radiation poisoning. At [43:36], Scott grapples with the impending loss of Forville, initiating a humorous exploration of the five stages of grief—Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Despair, and Acceptance—referred to collectively as "Dabda."

• Denial [65:00 – 66:30]:

  • Scott: "Hey, fuck you." ([65:09])
  • The characters struggle to accept Forville's fate, leading to exaggerated reactions and slapstick humor.

• Anger [66:32 – 67:05]:

  • Bobby: "I am gonna stay alive."
  • Frustrated transitions and mock-heroic declarations amplify the comedic tension.

• Bargaining and Despair [67:05 – 68:04]:

  • The conversation spirals into absurdity as the characters attempt to negotiate with fate, blending superhero tropes with dark humor.

• Acceptance [73:37 – 75:48]:

  • Forville comes to terms with his mortality, delivering heartfelt yet comedic farewells.
  • Scott: "You've been such a friend to the show."
  • The trio shares exaggerated emotional expressions, culminating in Forville's "demise" interspersed with humorous callbacks and puns.

Climactic Conclusion and Final Farewells [75:48 – 80:00]

As Forville "passes away," the episode balances mock sadness with characteristic comedic elements. The characters reflect on the impact of his transformation and impending loss, blending genuine sentiment with playful jabs.

• Paul: "Leave a piece of your Zelda. Something to remember you by." ([79:55])
• Bobby: "You're gonna have a little baby boy." ([58:46])

The final moments feature a blend of absurdity and parody, referencing pop culture icons like Spider-Man and Ghostbusters, solidifying the episode's comedic essence.

Post-Episode Plugs [76:31 – 80:01]

Following the narrative climax, the episode transitions into promotional segments ("plugs") for various sponsors, maintaining the show's characteristic humor even in advertisements.

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Notable Quotes:

• Scott Aukerman: "May the force be with you. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang." ([02:53])
• Paul F. Tompkins: "I have two wishes left." ([05:30])
• Bobby Moynihan: "I'm pretty much Spider4Volvo now." ([46:59])
• Scott Aukerman: "You've been such a friend to the show." ([75:37])
• Paul F. Tompkins: "We're not supposed to all sing. One moment, chaps." ([34:33])

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Conclusion

"Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 4" masterfully blends surreal humor, character-driven storytelling, and pop culture parodies. Through the finale of the Time Bobby series, the episode explores themes of redemption, the fragility of life, and the inevitability of change—all while maintaining the whimsical and irreverent spirit that defines Comedy Bang Bang. Fans are left with a bittersweet farewell to Forville, wrapped in laughter and memorable comedic moments.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Hey everyone. Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus Bang where we're re releasing fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. Now, this is a very special week you have tuned into because we have reached the final episode in our Time Bobby Bonus Bang series. This is Time Bobby 4. This was originally released May 23, 2016 as episode 423. Amazing that we've done 500 episodes since then and it features Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Bobby Moynihan, of course, as the little stabby orphan Forville. And in this episode, Forville insists he's changed his stabby ways. What could have happened? Well, you're gonna have to tune in to find out. You've already tuned in. You can just keep listening. Now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other episodes featuring maybe Paul F. Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan or maybe some of the other great people who are on Comedy Bang Bang. Well, become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every single live show we've ever done ad free new episodes and shows like CBB Presents and Scott hasn't seen. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come. What's up, downward dog? That's right. I'm into yoga now. May the force be with you. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why was I forced to listen to that?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not forced to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

First you make me sit here in. Sit here in silence.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As you play. And I Same theme song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Commanded you to sit in silence.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You commanded a lord to sit, and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yet you still did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because I am a guest. Do you see? You're the host. I'm the guest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. That is our dynamic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I follow protocols. British.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about ghost protocols? Ghost protocols, do you follow those? Are you wearing a hood?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If I am in the home of a ghost.

[Scott Aukerman]

How often does that happen? By the way, when you were riding Sunset Boulevard, did you go by the house they shot it in?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I went to many haunted homes in Los Angeles to feel the presence of silent film rage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes. Did you go to that haunted home that's just right off of Vermont, Is it? Where supposedly there's the Christmas tree. Yes. And the presents.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where the doctor drank acid to kill himself. First he murdered.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he drink the drug acid or did he drink acid? Acid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He drank carbolic acid, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yes, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

First he murdered his family by means of a hammer. He hit them all with a hammer.

[Scott Aukerman]

The most expedient way to kill someone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You would think a doctor. His choice of knives.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, get my black bag, would you? A lot of syringes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is. Well, he's a frontier doctor.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got scripts, prescriptions. Yeah, that's what they call it. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought you were referring to the parent company of media.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I always try to throw it in there. By the way, I want to thank Robert Yoon. Robert Yoon, I should say, for that wonderful catchphrase, thank you so much to Robert Yoon, and, of course, may I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

May I issue a special dripping with sarcasm thank you to this Robertun. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

A special dripping with sarcasm thank you from the Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber himself. And that shall serve as your introduction. Lord, no, I say, no credits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

None taken.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome back to the show. It's been a minute, Scotrick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, indeed. We haven't seen each other in quite a while. And thank you for having, I believe, this past Christmas time. Did I see you on Christmas last Christmas time? Yes. Last Christmas time Last Christmas time I gave you my heart the very next day, Boxing Day, you gave it away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that a song you wish you had written?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scott, don't you know I wish I'd written every song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Think of the money. Oh, that's all money.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what you're into this for, is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm in it for number one, the money. Number two, the love of the music. Number three, the run off pussy. Oh, dear.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought I was being crass by saying the ladies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, well, I'm a gentleman.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many Times have you been married so many times. Yeah. Are you in the middle of one now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I believe so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or at the tail end of one now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's hard to say, really. Do you know, I'm not. I'll be honest, I'm not the most difficult chap to live with. I have my little peculiarities, as you can imagine. Yeah, well, you know, I like to putter around the house. My dressing gown.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I also like to patrol the grounds of my estate with a cricket bat. And I play a little game called whacking a mole.

[Scott Aukerman]

For moles or for robbers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoever comes up and I consider a mole, I'll whack them with my whacking.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many times have you whacked animals? And how many times have you whacked human beings?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Animals?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd say it's about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

60% of the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

So when you were saying carry the one, you were doing percentages by carrying ones?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know whether that's actually literally.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How you carry the 1 percentage in front of the percent symbol.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, yes. Carry it over there, put them together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's simple maths.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Much like grammars. Carry that word over next to the period.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, exactly. Before I construct any sentence, I have to arrange the words in the proper order. And I imagine myself a little Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Scott Aukerman]

A Lordette.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In covering. In covering alls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perhaps a Lordino.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Lordino. Much like on the bloopers and practical jokes show those little tiny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes. I loved those little chaps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you? So you imagine yourself as one of those little tiny workmen who would arrange.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The bloopers drawn by Senor Sergio Aragones, of course. Marginal madness. And I imagine myself arranging the words in the proper order. I sometimes take a little break and I open up my lunching pail and I bring out my sandwich and I eat it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then I close up my lunching pail, I put it away to a mysterious place, and then I resume work on the sentence.

[Scott Aukerman]

And much like the bloopers and practical jokes, does something go awry in these sentences? Do things blow up and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, no. I speak the spit.

[Scott Aukerman]

You speak the spit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I speak the speech, you pray thee.

[Scott Aukerman]

As it comes trippingly off the tongue. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The play's the thing where it will catch the conscience of the King.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you a big Shakespeare fan? Billy S. He's all right. Hi, my name is Bill S. He's all right. He's alright. Who's your favorite playwright of all time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I include musicals in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Musical Colon Theater or semicolon? What is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Semicolon.

[Scott Aukerman]

When are we gonna hear this, by the way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, do you know there's a video episode of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wherein I speak with Amy Mann and Ted Leo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Theodore Leo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. They call themselves the Both.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, yes. We've had them on the show. Friends of the show. Yes, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tedward Leo and a mean man.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I've always thought of her as a mean man. Sort of like, you know, someone. Someone living in a house that you don't want to hit your softball into their backyard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like the neighboring home Alone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it turns out he's all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's all right. Well, that's how it is with a mean man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. She's all right. She's fine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's more than fine. She's a wonderful lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel as if whatever compliment I give you diminish the compliment. Is there something that there's some sort of ax to grind?

[Scott Aukerman]

I just think some of her lyrics are pessimistic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's the way it is with songs, isn't it? They're not all happy and delightful. Some of them are quite grim.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're getting a call. I'm getting a text.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a text alert. What's this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who texts? Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

People still like musicals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. Really? Is this a daily alert or is it an hour alert? Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have my manager text me.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how does he do. How does he gather this intel?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where is he getting his data?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have people for that. I am a creative type, and so I think about the creative. Is this like polling?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like the presidential polls, where you call up and whoever's there to answer a poll, you know, that's why they say Trump is doing so well in the polls, because people are home. People are home. The people who would vote for Trump.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are jobless, toothless miscreants. Miscreants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. I always. You always come, of course, wearing your cloak. Your cape. Is it a cape or a cloak?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's my cape. It's my Urmin cape.

[Scott Aukerman]

May I ask a question that I've never asked of you before?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm open to any question you might ask, dear boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that much like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, if you've seen it and you're asking about it, chances are no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you can. He can see his cloak. It's just when you put it on something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, well. But you've seen it on me. I'm not walking about with it over my shoulder, Frank Sinatra style.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you have to be completely covered by it in order. Well, I don't know. That's true, I guess.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, let me say this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If it were a true cloak of invisibility, it would be a bad idea to tell you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

If it were like this one right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jesus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello, Skodrick. Did you hear that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I heard something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I heard voice, and that's why I screamed. Yes, and I did as well. I heard we are alike in this.

[Scott Aukerman]

A voice akin to something of a Smurf or some sort of naughty elf.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some sort of little pixieish voice. But. But as I look around, keeping my head level at eye level.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, certainly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

At sea level. We are at sea level. So I'm keeping.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We are not recording this in Denver, Colorado.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, Certainly not. Well, I guess that was just a trick of the ears.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Said we both of our ears were tricked.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm hearing that voice again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this Neil. A Neil diamond record sped up. Hello again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, let's listen further to see if it says anything about turning on one's heart light.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm listening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm listening.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello. Turn on your heart light.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is recording his greatest hits, of course. Played, of course. Greatest hits, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because those two songs never appeared on an album together other than greatest hits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're being played on the wrong speed.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Ah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We cracked it. Much like a Chipmunks record. And we are Dave Alvin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dave Alvin? Yes, from the Blasters.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dave Alvin and the Chipmunks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that was his name there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was. What? No. Yeah. Alvin was the Chipmunk. And Dave called him Dave. Dave? Dave Thomas from Wendy's Mary and the Chipping Monks. Well, we've cracked it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's locate the source of this recording though the phonograph. Let's look up in the air.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps it's above us. The best place to start, always. Yes. And there we are looking up and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

See it looking at all four quarters of the room. I see a ceiling and a Victrola mounted just below the ceiling. Oh, I heard. Now, that didn't sound like a Neil diamond song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what did he say again? He said, getting colder, Getting colder. That could be a Neil getting colder.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's getting colder.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do a wonderful impression of Megan Taylor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. People, people. I wish more people asked me to do my famous mimicry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, let's hear some of your other impressions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give me a request.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Patrick Swayze.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Patrick Swayze.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. Nell Carter. Etay Chicken Bay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

First movie.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Nell.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, calling back. Something from the solo bolo. Trollo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give me a break. I certainly deserve one. I've had a very rough time of things lately.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are wonderful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you ever think of going onto the stage rather than being behind it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've thought of it so many times.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm at words. Saying the wrong words now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you hear that?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Give me a break. I sure deserve it. My God, they gotta be dead. Up yap. Hold on. Goes like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, that voice that accused me of saying the wrong words then went into gibberish, it seemed. Started off cracking good, then ended up saying, plep, plep, plep, plep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, well, I don't know. Do you think that we are being haunted by the ghostess of Nell Carter?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She watched her Unfinished Business.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've done some terrible things to her while she was alive. Watch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scotrick, what have you done to Nell Carter, the star of Give Me a Break?

[Scott Aukerman]

Typical malfeasance business.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Malfeasance?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, dear.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had a Ponzi scheme going on with her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perhaps she wanted to reprise her role in a Broadway revival of Hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh, of Hair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was in Hair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She was in Hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think she sang the song about black boys. I sure do like them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never gotten that far.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's time to get a. Yeah, there you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about a jukebox musical of Give Me a Break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A Jukey box musical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. All with break songs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Situation comedy that had one song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but it would all be songs that have to do with breaks. So you would import break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar? Well, we've solved this mystery. Obviously, we're being haunted by Nell Carter, so there's no reason to look down at our knees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Occam's Razor. Sometimes the most simple answer is correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. No shit, Sherlock.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Not Nell Carter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

None taken.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? I heard something else again. I believe that we should. We've already looked up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've looked eye level.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

As far as I'm concerned, there's only one direction in which to look. And that might be down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Going down, down, down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you wish you wrote that song?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, of course I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have two wishes left.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you think you're gonna wish for?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably that I would have written another hit song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just a gigolo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just a gigolo in every place I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go it's the wrong words.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's just a gigolo that's how it goes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Skull, shriek. The mystery of this voice, it devils me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's. It's nagging at the back of my skull like an itch that I can't quite scratch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A skull itch?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sklitch Internal.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great Star wars character.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sklitch Internal. Sklitch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a. I'm a. Let me do a Demetri accent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a total sklitch. Take my jacket. It looks better on you. Pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Andrew Lloyd Webber, I think that we should just.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay, that's it. Taking off the cloak.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Skulltreek.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you see what I see?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, of course I see what you see.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little boy. Blip, blip. Do you see what I see over.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There in the corner of the studio?

[Scott Aukerman]

Blip, blip, blip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do see what you see.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do see what you see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

A boy sitting in the corner with.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A grave and a cloak that fell apart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very. Blip, blip, blip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scotrick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, hello, hello, hello. We'll get to you in a second. Scotrick. Yes, Lord Webber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe it's that murderous little scamp.

[Scott Aukerman]

F. Is that his name? I forgot it. It's been so long since he been here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you forget his name?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's been about a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Over a year ago.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you hear what he said? Yes, it's been over a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that it might have been. It's been over a year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's not quibble over semantics.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's been a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need to address this head on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We do.

[Scott Aukerman]

The longer we pay no attention to him, the more upset he'll get.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do believe you're right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let us turn our heads. You to the right and I to the left.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good plan.

[Scott Aukerman]

And look him straight into one of his eyes as he'll have to split focus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly. All right, but that doesn't mean we have to split focus.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. You'll look into his Left eye.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

RIP R2D. Too soon. And I will look into his right eye. Yes, yes. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whatever we do, let us not go chasing waterfalls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never, never, never. Let us not go gentle. Into that on the count.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, count down to the turn.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so three. No, no, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Five.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four, Three. Nose. One. Here we go.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello. My eyes. What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

A fal.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Trying to focus on both of you at the same time. It's almost impossible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell you what. Go ahead and go back and forth between us, depending on who's talking.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello, Fourville. Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so very nice. To see you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We certainly are seeing you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You look terrified.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, one man's terrified is another man's treasure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm terrified of how happy I am to see you. It's so frightening, these feelings. I didn't expect them to be so intense.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I understand why you would be scared, but I just came to say hi and thank you and hello. Thank you just for everything. You've always been so nice to me and wonderful to me and I just. I feel like in the past I've done bad things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, forval, that is.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the understatement of the century. And we're just getting started with this one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it's a relatively new century, that's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

About 16 years in, as far as I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, forval, it is true that the last handful of times we've seen you. Three, to be precise.

[Scott Aukerman]

A cartoon character's handful.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This completes the white gloved hand of that Cardew Garrida.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On previous occasions.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Veritable Mickey's glove of appearance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Indeed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On previous occasions when we have encountered.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You, you have stabbed the shit out of everything I saw.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes. Including us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, you have repeatedly stabbed us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. In fact, I thought we were dead after a few of these. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe some of them ended on what appeared to be our deaths. And then the next week we were just. Alright.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are we in that Tom Cruise movie? Die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Impossible. Ghost Protocol.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Die. Rinse, repeat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait. Dye period. Rinse, period, repeat. You know, I. Do I. Speaking of that Top Gun repeat. Any person that you see. Any person that you see on television or in the movies has gray hair and is dyeing it. Any person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every single person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every single person. Just imagine, anytime you're watching a television show or a movie, every single person has gray hair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Present company accepted.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Fourville, you're welcome. And it's so great to see you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we are saying positive things because we do not wish to be stabbed.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I'm not gonna stab you unless you fuck it up. You know, Unless you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If I may.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, no, please, feel free. I'm in a very good mood. I just want to say that you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

In a good headspace.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, Yeah, I really am. I really think I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do look very positive. You have a certain aura or glow.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't feel stabby at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a serenity on your counter.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I came today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's good for a start.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What have you eaten? I had more than scraps.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

More than scraps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you have a Boston cream pie.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I had a Boston cream pie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, Fauvel, historically, you are a little urchin. Little tiny street urchin. And you've subsisted mainly on scraps.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, scraps and dirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I see the outline of a whipped cream goatee around your mouth.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I didn't even wipe it off because I'm so proud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, pride cometh before a fall, Orville.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't understand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it goeth, but I like cometh.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Jesus Christ.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Filthy curve animal. He really is.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Really is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm so glad we're bonding.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, it's great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where did you get this? This creamed pie?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I did a little job. I mowed a lawn.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was almost a song. I did a little job finishing a.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hat and she gave me a bow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you allowed to sing a Sondheim song?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course I am. I'm allowed to sing whatever song I like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I just didn't know. I mean, isn't he your main arch rival?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly. Why wouldn't I want to sing his songs and not do a very good job of it?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sing his song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Titty trigger hat.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He'll probably piss him off if you sing his songs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. You got him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You get.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. You guys are really on the same page.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we are.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is incredible. Where did you get this pie that has been creamed?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I did a little job and she gave me a pip for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

She gave you a pip?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, I meant pie, but it scabs better.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought pip was a form of currency that Little Orphan Boys used.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I. I only deal in pips.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you haven't got a pip, a hey pip will do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you haven't got a hay pip. Now, who was this nice lady?

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're not gonna believe this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I won't wait. Okay, can we guess?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I would love it if you did. First of all. Hey, guys. Great to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi. It's great to see you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Let's play the guessing game. I like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was it Lindsay Wagner, The Bionic Woman? Right out of the box. Jamie Summers from Ojai.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, you cut my guess right off at the knees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who were you going to guess? Just out of commission?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She was dynamic. Rbg.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She was hanging out. She lives next door. She lives next door. Now, was it the character of the Bionic Woman or the actress who portrayed her?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, right. Incredible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Incredibles were there as well. Stretchy lady.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm not Frozone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fast guy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He wasn't around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Frozone. That's Good to know. Oh, Lord Webber, I had a bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of a frog in my throat. I do apologize. Probably from singing that Sondheim song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. So. Wow. You mowed a lawn.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I mowed a little lawn and I. With a little mower and I got a little pie for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was a tiny mower because I would think you wouldn't be able to reach up.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, a real mower is terrifying to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, your feet wouldn't fit.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You wouldn't get sucked up underneath. True.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're very wee. Was it one of those acoustic lawnmowers?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Acoustic lawnmower, the electric one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, yes, the very old fashioned ones.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, which is just like the little. It looks like the DNA thing spinning around under there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, I'm not that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like Jurassic park going on down there. You call it acoustic. That's interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not electric. I'm a musician yet I would think.

[Scott Aukerman]

That the word acoustic when it refers to guitars comes from the fact that the acoustics reverberate inside the guitar and music comes out.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I looked at you like you were crazy when you said that, but then almost instantly I went, maybe he's the smartest man in the world.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, there's electric lawnmower.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think. I don't think acoustic is electric direct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And an acoustic opposite, I don't believe.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do you think Jimi Hendrix had a left handed lawnmower that he would, he.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would mow the lawn behind his head.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think Jeff Lynn also has the acoustic light orchestra?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Why? He'd be a fool not to.

[Scott Aukerman]

He would. He's really got to get on there candles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But why? It stands to reason why in the winter I sometimes enjoy my acoustic blanket pulled up right around my neck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, of course. A horse. A horse. My goodness. Well, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Chime in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, one of the best. When you're talking chime ins, you go to your old boy, Scotty Ox.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scotrick. I feel as if we're getting sidetracked from the main bit of business, which is Fourville has reappeared in our lives.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yes. I mean, first of all, where have you been?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where have you been?

[Scott Aukerman]

Where did you get the invisibility cloak? And what changes have gone in your life? Is it just, you know, work does a body good or do you know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where you're going to?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know? Oh, you went up now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you from Twin Peaks or something?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The words you were singing didn't sound like human speech.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. No. Joyce going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joyce, that gum you like is coming back in Style.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nice.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I auditioned Peaks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you?

[Bobby Moynihan]

For the little man?

[Scott Aukerman]

For the little. The man from another place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What happened?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I did it all forwards and they said that was wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, and what happened after that?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I went home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. And what happened?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I know you would think that I stabbed everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But no, you're in a new place. Wow. Tell us about this. Tell us about the changes in your life.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I just. You know, the last time I was here, we time traveled a bunch and killed us.

[Scott Aukerman]

And, you know, we're all wearing masks. We don't need to go into it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's so hard to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The listener is certainly. Well, welcome to revisit that episode. You probably should maybe pause right now. Listen to that episode. Maybe listen to all three previous episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Listen to the cartoon handfuls of episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. They were all called Time Bobby, if I'm not correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe, yes. Because of your previous status or current status. Oh, yes, I believe I also was a Time Bobby.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, we were all Time Bobbies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But this certainly is not the case anymore any longer. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anymore, I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Bovo si vous play.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I've been taking a little French. I've just really started to expand myself as a person.

[Scott Aukerman]

You taking art classes?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Taking some art classes. I took some art classes, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's fovel. Very impeccable.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Classic. Chime in from Foville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great stuff Forville. I appreciate it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

CCI from F. Can't be you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So, I mean, what's been. What's happening? I mean, the last time we saw each other was such chaos. And now you're so at peace. Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I just thought, you know, I'm sick and tired of making this world. I gotta make it better for everyone, including myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What led to this change of heart? To this moment of clarity?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have an epiphany? Another Sondheim song. What? From Sweeney Todd. Epiphany.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's called Epiphany. And let me guess, someone in it has an epiphany.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, look, very clever.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not gonna sing. You're not gonna sing Happy Birthday and they're not gonna be birthday. Help. Help.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What happened? Scotf.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not gonna sing Happy Birthday and they're not be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Trick. That drug is wearing off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you're reverting back to your stupid state. Oh, God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me drug. Give me drug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, hold on.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Give it to him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quick.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Quickly, quickly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I need water. I need water. Get your sound effect record. I need water.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Take water. Take Water. Yes. Put pill in mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You definitely heard the water. Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You took that pill.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want that pill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You took that pill.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want that pill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who took that pill?

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me that pill. Okay, we're back to normal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was very close.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Very close. That's the first tense moment we've had where I didn't. It wasn't caused by me trying to kill something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that's very true.

[Bobby Moynihan]

As a matter of fact, this may be the first time I was involved in saving your life. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. You. You leapt into action.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I didn't leap high, but I tried.

[Scott Aukerman]

About an inch off the ground. It was very impressive.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Three apples high.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three apples, wow.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Like a smart. Do you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you judge everything by length of apples?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know in the cartoon version of the Smurfs, I feel as if they're slightly smaller than three apples high.

[Bobby Moynihan]

If you really think about. Think about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think about three apples.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Think about how tall that would be. And think of if a little fucking blue smurf came running in like that. It would. Look at that. That's a crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I'm saying yes. That would be terrifying. But I feel as if on the television program they were.

[Bobby Moynihan]

They live in mushrooms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. A mushroom not even as big as an apple.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

A mushroom would love to be as big as an apple with multiple rooms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A mushroom dreams all day of being as big as an apple.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Mushroom. Mushroom could be a apple Mushroom dreams.

[Scott Aukerman]

And all I dream all day about is, oh, this pill isn't working anymore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Side of mushroom shoes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

God, a little bit of the pill stuck on the side of your lip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me that pill. Give me that pill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hill, why did you write your progress report?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm back, guys. Oh, boy. Felt I was on a high after the first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel too many of those pills.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God, I need them. I gotta feel limitless. Well, Fourville, that is so great to see. I mean, it's so wonderful to see you in such a wonderful place. And are you seeing anyone?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hard hitting question coming up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Formal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tell us about the old love life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give us the hot gossip y. Choke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On some hot goss.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm doing okay in the ladies department. I'm spraying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think you do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Say it. Don't spray one lady's man to another.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I've been dating Whoopy Goldberg on and off for about six months from the View. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. Theodore Rex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes, the dinosaur movie that never was released. That was never released? Well, if it was, it was released.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On stream.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. STV felt like a favor. Well, no. She was sued and she had to be in it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Is that true?

[Scott Aukerman]

That is very true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's also true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. What about the original script that she presumably read?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was just the idea. She loved the idea. Or maybe didn't love it, but was paid a lot of money to do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She loved the idea. The execution was what she had the problem with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it could have been.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think we're doing this the right way. We're not doing injustice. Well, I'm a policeman. My partner is a dinosaur wearing sneakers. Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A fat Tyrannosaurus rex.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not the way.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is not the way I envisioned it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you brought this up to Whoopi when you're going down on her?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I did once. And yeah. She was just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, she was in the throes of ecstasy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

She didn't say nothing. She was just said, keep going.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would imagine you're three apples high. That's about the size of a big. Big. It's about the size of a big Johnson.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This. This is unseemly the lady. This is even for you, skull trick.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hey, hey, hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on. It's locker room talk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do apologize.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I put my whole body. And we'll be Goldberg's and dance around in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think if a Fauville. I think the is wrong with. Just got carried away. Just got carried away. In the spirit of a Bono.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He just got carried away. I just.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just thought we were having a good time. We're all guys. This is the language of guys.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I feel like I got a little heated there for a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

But.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But everything's fine now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fine. You took. You took a deep breath.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, indeed.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Me. Just give me one second here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cleansing breath.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, let's see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whatever works.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just had to take.

[Scott Aukerman]

As Larry David once said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. As Larry David wants to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you feel good now?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I feel a lot better.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sorry. I didn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I almost. I almost reverted right back.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. But I apologize. I set you off. And I shouldn't have said.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You shouldn't apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I should.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I am. I am.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, I. I take it and I listen to it and I appreciate it. And I put it in my brains.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can't you fall exar. And put it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put it in your pocket. Save it for a rainy day. I love our singing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's always perfect. I love our singing. Yes, it is. Three Part harmony. This is wonderful. It's as things should be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Everything is great.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I got the horse right here. His name is Paul Revere and he's.

[Scott Aukerman]

The guy that says the weather's clear. Can do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Can do.

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy says the horse can do. If he says the horse can do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

God, take your pills.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can do. Oh, my God.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Can do.

[Scott Aukerman]

His name is Valentine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, we're not supposed to all sing. One moment, chaps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're not supposed to sing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All of the verses all at the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. It's a round.

[Bobby Moynihan]

People sing individually, and we all sang it together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so I. Who. I. I'll. I'll do the. There's a guy right here if you want to go on to Valentine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then I'll do Epitaph.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Epitaph.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's more to it than that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I got the horse ride.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're just doing the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go. No, here we go. Ready? One, two, three. I got the horse right here. His name is Paul Revere. There's a guy who says if the weather's clear, can. His name is up a dirt says the horse can. I got the horse right here. His name is Paul Revere. There's a guy who says if the weather's clear. Can do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The horse can do.

[Scott Aukerman]

That guy says the horse can do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Guys and Dolls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Epitaph.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got the horse right here.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Infection.

[Scott Aukerman]

But seriously, how is Whoopi Goldberg's pussy. It's crazy. What?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I cannot.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's. What's wrong?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just went right back to the thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got Whoopi Goldberg on the mind in such a good place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We were harmonizing perfectly.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And then now I'm gonna take these out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, Foval, please. I haven't taken these out in a very long time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You see all the cobwebs, please. Yes, I do. I do. I do. The steel is gleaming through the cobwebs.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a spider on those cobwebs, and it looks radioactive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How can they be covered in cobwebs but so sharp?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Because I keep them sharp.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then I put cobwebs on them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, why?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Because it makes me feel better. I also have many spiders I take care of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Put them away. Did you say one of the spiders was radioactive?

[Scott Aukerman]

It looks at it. It was glowing.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It bit me recently.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Really? I want to hear the story of this. But we have to take a break. We have to take a break. I want to hear the story.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Check yourself. You Benching my lady's again. I'm going kill you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, all right. I'm sorry for. All right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Here's what it is. You create a stunning online presence with Squarespace where you can easily showcase your services, whether it's, I don't know, consultations, maybe events, experiences, all on a fully customizable website. Just enjoy yourself customizing this thing. You're gonna love it. It attracts clients and it helps grow your business. Squarespace's cutting edge design tool make it simple for anyone to build a bespoke website that aligns perfectly with their brand. Here's how you start. You start with Blueprint AI, their AI. AI. AI AI powered website builder. And create a fully personalized site in just a few steps. Oh, this sounds so futuristic and exciting. Squarespace also helps streamline your entire workflow with built in tools for appointment scheduling, email marketing and professional invoicing. Plus, get paid on time with branded invoices and seamless online payments. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Oh my God. So much of my day just gets hijacked by tedious tasks. You know tts, you can relate to this, right? Are you in meetings all day? That could have been emails. Do quick errands turn into all day sagas? Well, if your business requires a lot of mailing or shipping, there's some good news. You don't have time to be a postage expert or stand in line to drop off letters and packages. Well, stamps.com gives you the chance to focus your time on what you do best. Access all the mailing and shipping services you need to run your business right from your computer or or phone, anytime, day or night or whatever is in between. Those two things I don't know. With stamps.com print stamps, shipping labels or certified mail forms in seconds. No lines, no traffic, no waiting. We've been using stamps.com at the old podcast studios for over a decade. At this point, they're the best. They're flexible all in one mailing. Oh, gorgeous. Don't waste time worrying about being a postage expert or standing in line to drop off letters and packages. Let stamps.com do what they do best so you can do what you do better than what stamps.com does. Can you imagine? Go to stamps.com and use code bang Bang to sign up for a special offer. No contract. Cancel anytime that is stamps.com and use the code Bang Bang. Summer's here and the time is nice for dancing in this. Did they say nigh in that song? That seems impossible, right? Anyway, summer is here and I mean, there's so much to do. Dancing in the street, everything else. God, oh my God. So much to do outdoors in the summer. The last thing you want to be stuck in is. Is indoors where the street isn't where people don't dance. No, you don't want to be stuck stuck inside cooking all day. Well, this is where Factor comes in. Factor's chef crafted dietitian approved meals arrive fresh and ready to eat, taking the hassle out of eating well. With 45 weekly menu options, you can pick gourmet meals that fit your summer gains and goals. Choose from options like calorie, Smart, protein plus keto, and more. I like Factor. I get it all the time. I've talked about it here. We liked it so much, they sent it to me free for a week and then I just kept it. I kept it going. It's great. It's easy and you can do it too. Get started@Factor Meals.com Bang Bang 50 off and use code Bang Bang 50 off to get 50% off. That's where the 50 off comes in, of course. Plus free shipping on your first box. That's code Bang Bang 50 off at factor meals.com Bang Bang 50 off. Factor meals.com Bang Bang 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping. Factor meals.com Bang Bang50 off just rolls off the tongue. Comedy Bang bang. We're back here with of course Lord Andrew Lord. Of course Andrew Lord Webb. It's you know what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Andrew Lloyd. Webba.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you have a name like Lloyd in your name, then you should change it to Lord if you become a Lord.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know, it's almost as if you can substitute Lord for Lloyd. You can take the Lloyd out if you wish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it would still be proper to address me as Andrew Lord Webber.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but don't take the Lloyd out of Chris Lloyd. No, don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He means Christopher Lloyd. That's Alex. I got to do a drug.

[Scott Aukerman]

Merry Christmas. Merry Christopher Lloyd. That's a new holiday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why was he saying Merry Christopher?

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's a pretty good Christopher Lawrence.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does a yellow light mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

1,000 gigawatts. Did I do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, you did it. You're Very good. Well, we're here also.

[Bobby Moynihan]

We're here.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's good. Now we're here with Forval, the little orphan boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's me. I'm a little baby boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little baby. So you're a baby.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you're not an infant, but in a figurative sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you gone through the terrible twos yet?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, yeah. I got all my teeth permanent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Teeth and jobs go hand in hand. I've always said. Yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Teeth and jobs go hand in hand. One is silver, the other grand is grand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course. So, Fourville, before the break, you whipped out your knives, which were very cobwebby.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sorry, but you brought that on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I brought that, certainly. I admit that. And my fascination with your love life knows no bounds. And yet I should put some bounds on. Put some bounds. Definitely.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Don't go out of bounds. Stay inbound.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, yes. We looked at your knife, and on one of the cobwebs, there was a spider that was glowing. It seemed to be radioactively. And you said that you were bitten by this spider and we were going to go into the story of it. And I now would like to hear that story.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I also would like to hear the story Cosine. We have a quorum.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Nong man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, now that two people have stepped forward, I will definitely tell the story. I was sitting alone in my room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your room? Wait, do you have a room now?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have a room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You finally have a home.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I got a little room.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a regular Brie Larson.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where do you have table and bed?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I do not. I just have a room, but I'll take it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Who gave you this room?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Brie Larson.

[Scott Aukerman]

She. Wait, you're living with Brie Larson?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, she gave it to me after we did the comedy Bang Bang television show together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. You were on that episode together. Correct.

[Bobby Moynihan]

The only time this has ever crossed over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. The cannons are crossing over. This is like crisis on infinite earths or two. Wow. So you. So she had. She gave you a little room. How nice of her.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, it was very nice. Not denied. I mean, it could be nice, though. She's rich actress and stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

But do you think she's rich? I mean, because appearing in room is not the biggest payday.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I heard it was $39 million.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What, this now? Wow, 39.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And that's just the Oscar basket alone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, she better pay taxes on that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

39 million in goods.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like in swag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Swag?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes, Swag.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And What I'm guessing is moisturizer and sunglasses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So many.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe one spot trip. What were you gonna say about swag?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It used to be swag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, swag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then because people kept using the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Word swag, as in swagger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Swagger.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They started saying swag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I think it's a damn shame.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I do, too. I wish we'd rather have free stuff than looking cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I wish we could go back to those carefree halcyon days of swag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Could you imagine?

[Scott Aukerman]

But you know what? Progress. That's what it's all about. Things cannot remain the same on top.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of my time machine.

[Bobby Moynihan]

But I don't mess with that stuff no more because it messed up my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So now you no longer travel through time.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm not. I'm trying to get out of the time bobby business. I'm out. You know, you're right. It's like the Mafia, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. But now. Now tell us about your life currently. I mean, you were bitten by this spider in your little room.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I've just been doing little. Little jobs here and there. Little jib jabs, you know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you been making those jib jab videos?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sending them about, yeah. What's your favorite one?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, I just got a cell phone, which is nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Congratulations.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm doing pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what happened with this spider, though? It bit you and then what happened?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, I was in my room that Brie Larson gave me and, you know, I was just looking around, doing nothing, thinking how I wasn't killing nobody and how great I felt. And this little blue and red spider came down from the ceiling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And he came on one little spindly, little. What do they call it? It's just a web.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Along came the spider.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Along came the spider.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he sat down beside you?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, sat down beside me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were you eating anything at the time?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think. I think I was eating a big bowl of porridge, maybe. Is that possible?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two ingredients, perhaps.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Wait, what was I?

[Scott Aukerman]

Curds, perhaps.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was eating curds and Cheerios.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And the spider bit me. Now I can swing around and do all sorts of superhero type stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I didn't want to talk about it, but I'm pretty much Spider4Volvo now. Spider4Volvo. Spider does whatever a Spiderville can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Wow. The Fantastic Spider Forvel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Amazing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, the Fantastic Four crossed with spiders.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very clever.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm glad you're taking that picture.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pill. I want that pill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you've taken it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I got that pill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, you did.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am now limitless.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You took that bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. So, wow. So, I mean, are you doing good for mankind out there? Is that what's happening?

[Bobby Moynihan]

You know, I'm still in the. I'm still in the coming up with a costume phase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, where you're sketching?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I still like, you know, I have like a half costume that looks like a good one, but it's reminiscent of what it should be. But it's not quite like there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I like in the Spider.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Once I get that down, I'll start, you know, solving crime.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like in the Spider man movies when Peter Parker sketches his costume. You then cut to the close up and he's as good as current comic book.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Like, he's like original Jack Kirby.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's like Phil Jimenez.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you chaps talking about? Spider man movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Spider man movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They made movies of the Spider Man a bunch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not the Slender Man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I know the Spider Man. He's like a radioactive spider. Check.

[Scott Aukerman]

He does whatever a spider can. And short spins a web.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Any size.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Small to medium, large.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Bobby Moynihan]

The whole range.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Catches crooks, thieves. Thieves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just like flies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There goes the Spiderman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's what we say every single day. And yet they made movies about this guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They've made movies. Who would go see these? They can't have done. Well, I've never heard of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, the first one set a record.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The first one. How many have there been?

[Bobby Moynihan]

There have been several. There's been several people who have played the song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Watch this now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. From Tobey Maguire to Garfield.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tobey Maguire from the Icing Storm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He played Spider Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, as did Garfield.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, Garfield the cat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He hates Mondays.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He loves lasagna.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course. And John Arbuckle is his best friend. Yes. And I remember that now.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He lives next to Dave Allen, Elvis from the Chipmunks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So, yeah, no, they made a whole bunch of movies about it. And yeah, no, they're very popular.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good luck.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I say a lot of source material.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you are out there. You're out there making your costume currently.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Excuse me. All right. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are you? Him?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you. Are you having any residual effects from the radiation?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I think ever since that I got bit. I mean, I've been stronger. I can sense things. I have like a formal sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mind taking off your little newsy cap to show us your Head.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's completely bald.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hair. It seems to have fallen out. Patchy. Are you shaving your head?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, I would just. I just got bit by a spidey. And then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you fall for one moment?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I'll just go stand in a corner for a minute. I won't get mad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Little clumps and. And his hat was full of hair. Full of hair. Oh my gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's terrible. This poor little fellow. Radiation poisoning.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was going to say. You look. You're very fit, you're very lean.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I think you might be emaciated. Almost just.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't. I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not Aunt maciated. Yeah, okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Not Aunt Macy Gray made it. Who was also in the Spice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Goodbye. But I took. Try to walk away and not stumble if I try to hide it it's clear My world crumbles when you are not here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask Vorval, when you say you have powers, have you tested these powers out yet?

[Bobby Moynihan]

A couple trials that were like light hearted and funny where I swung and then hit a wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

So when you say you swing. Swung.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I could shoot little webs out of my. Out of my toes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at the openings in his toes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you. Have you tried. Are you. Just assuming you can do this because you were bit by the spider is what I'm getting at. I.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You know, I haven't. I chewed a little web out of my toe. I think that's what happens. And then I swung around for a little bit. But like I'm not that great at it yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Put one of your little. Your little feeties up on the table.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay, here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scotrick. Scottrick. Yeah, he's got this sort of stuff oozing out of the webbing of his toes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think it's just. It's like some sort of pus in you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I don't know that it does anything. Also when you say then disgust me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four of. When you say you shot web out of something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you sure that you out of something? Hollywood handbook.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You guys call your toes a penis. Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what I'm getting at. Were you just fiddling?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what you're getting?

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you just fiddling about down there and you shot some webbing out feeling about who the whom.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Wait. Oh wait. My 4 Vol sense is tingling.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does that mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you all right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's happening?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my gosh. Are you all right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you going.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is happening right now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you going to upshock?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my gosh. Oh, dear.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Wait, that's my fourval sense. No, you're just getting Jerry's comment.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're just.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Think like Spiderman.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're just very ill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Radiation sickness. Use that trashing can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please don't. Not on. Not on the earwolf table. There's so many wonderful signatures.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please do deposit your vomitus in that wasting basket.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, it's. It's my spider sense. It's from my superpowers. You know, I don't think we have to worry about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many times do you get spider sense a day?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Like in the mornings and after every meal. And at night, night. And sometimes while I'm sleeping.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So almost constantly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, gosh. Can I talk to you, Andrew Lloyd Webber?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm just gonna go sit in the corner for a second. Over hereville's dying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is. He's in the advanced stages of radiation poisoning.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's gonna be dead within. I would say within the next half hour.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me see. Let me check.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm an amateur physician and I've seen these signs before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would say 15 to 25 minutes, you'll be gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think 15 to 25. I think we. I think they're somewhere in the half hour. I think we probably need to take a break at some point and come back. Yes, yes. And there needs to be enough time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I see what you're saying. Yes, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I think somewhere in the next half hour, 45 minutes, somewhere around there, he may. He may be perishing. And in this case, I believe it is before his time. Although I don't know how old he is. He may not be 18 yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel terrible because although he's been nothing but a terrifying murderer every single time we've encountered him, this time he's just a poor, weak little boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

A weak little boy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like those radiated spider bites?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like the ones that we go visit on the weekends in the children's hospital.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not for public insight.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't mean to brag. I'm sorry. Forville, come back over here. Forval.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, dear. Sit down. Don't tire yourself out.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Like six feet. That usually isn't a problem for me, especially now that I have Luber power.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we need to take a break. I hate to. Okay, I hate. I hate to postpone anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give you a charm.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Spinning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know. Just. Just put your.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's you spinning. It's you spinning. It's the superpowers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's your webs that you're spinning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's really great. To see you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We need to take a break. When we come back, we have some news that we need to give to you. Yeah. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So spider sense tingling.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay, give me my news.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get that wasting paper basket. We're, we're going to go to a break. We'll be right back with more Andrew Lloyd Weber and forval.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm better now.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is an ad by Better Help. Boy, workplace stress, huh? I'm having it right now. Well, you know what? This summer, I think it's time for us all to focus on our wellness. Right? With small steps, right. We can just manage these workday challenges together. Workplace stress is one of the top causes of declining mental health. With 61% of the global workforce experiencing high, high, high, high, high stress, most of us can't wave goodbye to work. But we can start small with a focus on wellness. Therapy can help you navigate whatever challenges the workday or life look any day might bring. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. And hey, it works. With an app store rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews. That's some good reviews, if you know what I mean. It's convenient. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your. Your busy life, not my busy life. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time at the. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. And our listeners get 10 off your first [e-mail] Bang Bang. That is better. H E L P.

[D]

What'S poppin listeners? I'm Laci Mosley, host of the podcast Scam Goddess. The show that's an ode to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week I talk with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time. Wanna know about the fake errors? We got em. What about a career con man? We've got them too. Guys that will wine and dine you and then steal all your coins. Oh, you know they are represented. Cause representation matters. I'm joined by guests like Nicole by Madison iii, Conan o' Brien and more. Join the congregation and listen to Scam Goddess wherever you get your podcasts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy bang, bang. We're back here with Andrew Lloyd Webber, and during the break, we wheeled in the spare hospital bed that we have in the next room for just in case anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why is that here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, just in case anything were to happen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does it ever come up before, you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Know, Jason Mandoukas, AKA Jeffrey character Wheaties has brought it in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love him.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's very good. He's wonderful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish he would do more characters than just that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, he's like Pee Wee Herman. You know, Paul Rubens was good at that one as well as other ones, but just decided to stick with that one. Anyway, Jason brought it in in case anything were to ever happen to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, in case anything would happen to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. In order to make my final moments more complex. And Forval was spinning around on his webs so wildly that he got very dizzy and he wanted to lay down in the bed here.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So happy to see you guys. But then I just felt a little under the weather out of nowhere. But it'll probably blow over because I got superpowers now, and I'm in a great mood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't even need a place to stay anymore. I don't even need to bother you guys about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Well, you're gonna have a.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And you both look great.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate to tell you this, but you're gonna have a permanent place to stay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're not gonna believe that this. I have some news, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's your news?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm having a little baby boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

What, did you spin a web?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Little Fourville?

[Scott Aukerman]

Goldberg. Goldberg. With Whoopi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A woman in her at least 60s. Is that correct?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Was there some sort of in vitro kind of situation or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A miracle.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Damn.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was a miracle.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I think it had. It was after the spider bite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, interesting. Okay, so you're having.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So everything's great. I'm gonna be a father. I thought you guys would be more happy. Like, I'm really starting to get my life together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're delighted that a tiny little boy is becoming a father.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who just learned to play with his penis for the first time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. And is in some sort of sexual relationship with geriatric Oscar widow Poopy Goldberg.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Call her Jo. Yeah, Jake. I mean, she's. She's a woman of things. Just relax.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I apologize. I just said that she's a woman.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Talking about. I know. I'm in a great mood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's wonderful. I detest eyebrows. I find it very attractive you treat.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A lady with respect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, of course.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Especially one always that played Rita Miller in Ghost.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I forgot the character name.

[Bobby Moynihan]

526-340-43. Rita Miller.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

She signed the wrong name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

My sister loved that movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do apologize. Ties.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Your sister who loved it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your sister.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's your sister?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Nineville.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nine? We've never heard of Nineville before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, she's a. Oh, you don't get along with her?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, no, but she got good taste in movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Clearly human relationships are complicated.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very true. That's also true.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Aren't you happy for me? I mean, like, this is a big thing in my life and every.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Four sense tingling.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four Vol.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Must be danger around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I'm afraid there is imminent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Imminent danger.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Don't worry about the danger, guys. I'm here. I'll save you for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you seen the film Final Destination?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have. Well, then this will be easy to understand. You know how people died in that? Yeah. That's going to happen to you someday.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What's going to happen to everybody?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It happens to some people sooner than others.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sometimes in 3D.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, One time I think it did happen in 3D.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Maybe the third time.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I feel like it's a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably that sounds about right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or the fifth. I'm not sure.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Probably around the third. I feel like it's just a lot of tires flying through the air and killing people.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe they went to a racetrack at one point.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. Poles through windshields.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. There's no way a knife didn't fly at the screen.

[Scott Aukerman]

At some point I'll know where. No absolute way. Look. Yeah, it's gonna happen to all of us. But much like the teenagers in Final Destination.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Pretty good. I got superpowers now and I got a room and a home and a couple little jib jabs going. Everything's coming up four of them Forville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Send me one of those jib jabs. But what if I were to tell you. What if I were to tell you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That and any dub smashes that you do. I would like to see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, please. Or any boomerangs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't want the boomerang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. Take him off the boomerang. CC list.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Bitmojis. I'll throw you away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do like Bitmojis.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, they are the bomb.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

But what if I were to tell you, Forville, that instead of a little tiny room, you could have a giant cloud playground? Yes. With. With streets paved with gold. And everyone you've ever loved would be there. Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doesn't that sound wonderful?

[Scott Aukerman]

You'd have Fry Vault.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Fry Vault.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nineville, Twoville and Anvil.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Everyone but Fievel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

5 v. Tinkoville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

My Spanish brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

See?

[Scott Aukerman]

Couture say Ville.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

They would all be there.

[Scott Aukerman]

They would all be there.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And whoopee too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I don't know about Whoops.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Soon she'll be. She'll be along directly.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's just like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sooner than you might think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Pennies are a penny from under the door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The original Ghost.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even the fellow who played the mean ghost in Ghost, he'll be there. And Patrick Swayze.

[Scott Aukerman]

Patrick Swayze's there right now? Yeah. What if I told you that that could be yours and might be yours very, very soon will be yours.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, I would say that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. It sounds like the most beautiful place on earth. But I mean, not on earth, but I have. Still. I have things to do down here. I've just been blessed with these powers, and I'm just starting to. I'm just starting to realize life is worth living. It's not about stabbing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're saying what a wonderful realization you've finally come to. But are you saying you have unfinished business? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

This complicates things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lie down for just a little bit. I need to talk to Scotrick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I'll be right back.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just gonna take a little nip nap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sidebar with Lloyd.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lord.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Lloyd is right out of order.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lloyd. Andrew Lloyd.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of all the things you could call me. Don't call me Christopher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lloyd. Christopher Lloyd. Miss.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't know what I'm talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Making less and less.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, look, what is going on here? You think he has unfinished business? I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What I'm afraid of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that if we don't make him right with this idea that his demise is imminent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He will have unfinished business.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he will haunt us as a ghost. Much like the dad who drank the acid on Christmas Eve.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, is he a ghost?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think he's a ghost. Oh, dear. Yeah. Much like the Sunset Boulevard house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, the Sunset Boulevard house with William.

[Scott Aukerman]

Holden in the pool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That house is haunted by the entire cast of Sunset Boulevard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think William Holden. People always would come up to him and say, hey, you, William Holden. I need the pill. I need the pill again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do I think they would always do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I need the pill. Give me that pill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or do I think it ever happens either.

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn it. Oh, God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, take your pill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm back. Oh, full strength.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was good. You were starting to slip there for a moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Full strength.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You started to say the stupidest shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm back, though. I'm at the top of my game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank heavens.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do we need to do? We need to get him right with.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We need to get him to accept what is to happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. The stages of grief.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. The final one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Do we need to go through the other ones? Denial, etc.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Denial, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, fuck you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anger.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're paraphrasing Anger.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, fuck you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I couldn't remember that term. Anger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bargaining.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just a quick. If you can't remember the term, you might need a mnemonic device that might help you remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good. Okay, so anger. Okay, so anger is. What. What is a anger? Okay, what's an. Here's the thing. Yes?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a already demonic device. A mnemonic device. Oh, a demonic device. A mnemonic device for this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't raise the mailer demon, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's Dabda.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dabda.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Denial.

[Scott Aukerman]

Denial. Anger, bargaining.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Despair. Despair and acceptance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dab. Duh. What about despair? Yes. Okay. Denial, Anger, bargaining, despair. How can anyone remember Dabda?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You just said it, so good work.

[Scott Aukerman]

That reminds me of my good friend Dabda Coalperson.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay, I'm back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hey, thank you. Pills. Effective.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Take that, Bill. You're saying some stupid shit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Take another pill. I wonder if you're taking so many of those fills.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me a red.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Decreasing the effectiveness.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me a blue. Where's Jessica Jones?

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're beyond limitless at this point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's Jessica Jones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never mind. What? What is your unfinished business?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Excuse me? Just, you know, to bring.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shut up for one moment.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, what the. Did you just say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's from. That's from a comic. A book. Give me a red. Give me a blue. Which character is that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's Nuke, but he. Yes, yes. He then moved from the Daredevil universe into Jessica Jones television universe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. I see. Wait, was he in the first season of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, sir yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. I forgot that fellow took the pills.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Red and blue pill. I don't think of the Matrix fucking furs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the thing.

[Bobby Moynihan]

But then the. Don't get on my side. You were just mean to me for a second. Now I'm pissed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. We're pissed at you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scarf.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. We're angry at you. Right? Yeah. Yeah. We're teaming up.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You told me to shut up. Man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a Marvel team up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Hulk smash.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hulk smash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hulk dub smash.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me. Let me posit this.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Avengers. It's Ambo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't say a thing that made you mad?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Uwatu the Watcher.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a parallel universe. And he presents it to us right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Forbidden to interfere. But he sees.

[Scott Aukerman]

So there would be no Hulk smash mouth moments.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Under the wire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Thank you. I think some listeners were a little upset I didn't get it in earlier. 4 Vol.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do apologize.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nothing but the highest esteem for you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you. And you don't even have to apologize because I'm past that now. But it's all this superhero. You're gonna be past me Think that I have finally found my true calling. Which is helping people. And instead of being a stabby little boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Well. Carry that kind of feeling in into whatever happens next to you. You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scotrick? There's nothing for it. We've got to tell him.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've got to tell him. We have to tell him. Yes. Dub smash. What is it again?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dabda.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dabda.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What's happened?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fourville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fourville.

[Bobby Moynihan]

What's wrong?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The spider that bit you was packed full of radiation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it hasn't given you superlative powers.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hold on one sec.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you see how you're about to vomit? That's not a special sense. Warning you the danger is imminent.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Strange thing is I threw up four apples. But I'm only three apples high.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you fit them in?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Congratulations.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's why my belly was so distended.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Four volumes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm afraid I have to tell you. You're dying.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're dying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're dying.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're dying. You're almost dead. You're going to be dead.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

With the next 20, 25, 30 minutes. Probably after plugs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do you think we.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a certainty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But forvel. This is natural. Death comes to all things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

But I was doing so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, in a hundred years, none of us will be here. Just think of it that way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll all be wealthy. People will be.

[Bobby Moynihan]

But I just turned it around.

[Scott Aukerman]

The singularity.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I better not tell you now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you just turned your life around. And what. At what better time could there be.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Fell in love and got a home and started a real life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But, but, but, but for. What's wonderful is you did manage to do all these things before the end of your life, which is very, very soon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. A lot of people don't get that chance. A lot of people are just miserable assholes right up until the moment they die. You, Ebenezer Scrooged it, the one as big as me.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do I? So I'm definitely gonna die?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I'm afraid so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there anyone you want to call?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ghostbusters.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ghostbusters?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Really? That's the only possible answer to the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Question, what do you think about the reboot?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Even if I was dying, I think it's gonna be great.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just don't know about turning them into women.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a strange question.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's.

[Bobby Moynihan]

God, life is too short short to be like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Literally.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think if it's the Stay Puft Marshmallow woman, maybe. But they gotta do it across the board and then turn all the women from the first one into men. So I think that the ghost that gives Dan Aykroyd a blowjob, that's gotta be a male ghost who gives Kate, you know, goes down on her or something like that. Those are my rules.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And certainly all of the extras should all be gender reversed as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They should cow the number of extras.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You know, Ron Jeremy was an extra in Ghostbusters.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's a real thing? You could seem predominantly featured during the last scene.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God, no. Why are we wasting time? Why are we wasting time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Talking, I have no doubt. Conserve your strength, Dear F. Is there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyone you want to call? Any family? Any. Any whoopee? Do you want to call whoopee?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is there anyone who should be here at this hour?

[Bobby Moynihan]

When I think about it, I. I don't know if I caught anybody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, dear.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm starting to feel so alone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, dear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Almost like Kevin in that movie.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I feel like I've been left here. Yeah, I feel like my next door neighbor is Mitch McAllister and he screwed this whole thing up for everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

But he's really nice.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He didn't exist. These movies wouldn't exist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, no, no, no. What do we do forval? What do we do? Can We. Can we make you comfortable at all? Can we?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're no longer denying that you're going to.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay, well, I mean, you guys seem so adamant about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

He did deny it for a minute. He said he denied for a minute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But now he doesn't.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Moments ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's next in W. Well, it's a. What is it, then? Dab, dab, dab. What's A. Anger. Anger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Christ's sake. I can't remember it together.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There's no way this could be happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

This mnemonic device.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There's no way this could be happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Yes. You're just, you're angry. You're. No, no. You're denying.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm not going to die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm gonna stay alive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a dub smash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh. It's a whole dub smash.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a mashup dub smash of denial and anger.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh. What's after that dub? Beauty. What is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why would it be beauty?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't know what this is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Beauty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bitterness. What is it? What's the B.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bargaining.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bargaining, Bargaining.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't feel so good all of a sudden.

[Scott Aukerman]

Poor formal. Poor formal.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Look, maybe if. Maybe if you gave me some of your blood, I could stay alive. Maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

How would you want to get this blood?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Through a transfusion of sorts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know that we have that.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you say of sorts, what exactly?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I mean, I'm not a medical doctor, but I would take my knife, cut your throat, and then maybe drink that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not really the way blood works.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It doesn't have to be your throat. It could be an arm or leg.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no. I, I, I don't think that's going to do the trick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus, I don't think you can find a vein on me. Look, I don't, I don't think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have that explained to me later.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I don't think it's the pillar.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It wearing off.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think it. I don't think it's going to happen. What's. What's next? D D d d d d d d d d d D Anger. Bargaining. Death. What is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why would there be an A after death?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It stands for after death.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it doesn't. Please.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Despair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Despair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The saddest one.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just sad because I just got a room and I just got all this nice stuff, and now I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave it all.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you have a son on the way.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have a son.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Although we. That One moment for yes. I'm not sure about this sun business.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He thought he had superpowers. Yeah, but just dying of radiation at the same time.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've never gotten his age. He. He could, you know. Do you have pubies?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Excuse me?

[Scott Aukerman]

You heard me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rather a personal question towards the end, but please do answer it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, see, I think he's old enough to.

[Bobby Moynihan]

They're not on me. Yeah, I just carry him around in a bay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His seat yours or someone else's?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, is it Jay Davidson's?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's Jay Davidson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Bobby Moynihan]

From the Crying Game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sadly, yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't keep him in my bandolier.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm wondering if his seed might find purchase perhaps. I don't know. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In Whoopi Goldberg's barren Woo.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think anything's possible at this point. He might have a son.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Today has proven that Scotric is right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I do. I have a little baby boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's terrible.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Four and a half vil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four and a half ville. Oh, this is terrible.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That was a real stomach sound.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When these sorts of things happen at.

[Scott Aukerman]

The end, what's next in Dubya? In dub. Da dib. Dab. Dib. Dab. Jib jab. What is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's dabda. As it has been for the past 15 minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is it? A anger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, we've done that one. It's acceptance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Acceptance Forval. You're gonna die.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I am?

[Scott Aukerman]

You are. Okay, that was quick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's all in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. With a it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well done, you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For. Yes. I'm so sorry.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think you're right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But for. May I say.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's it. For little old fal boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

May I say that I'm so glad that we got to see you once more and one last time. You've turned your life around.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been such a friend to the show.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I came here with the goodwill and kindness of a little orphan boy. Then I killed everything and did a bunch of bad stuff. And you guys are so nice to accept me back. And what I thought was going to be a new chapter in my life turned out to be the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

The end, as Coco Marx would say.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rather abrupt.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, that was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. My God, it's terrible. It's terrible. And I think. You know what? By my clock, you only have probably through plugs, so I think we should actually get to the plugs Otherwise, we're not going to be able to hear your last words. All right, it's time for a little something we call plugs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

My last plugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plugs. Plugs. Plugs. Plugs. Wow. That was gonna listen to the Roman numerals. Parentheses, sump, lugs, end parentheses. By Loco Porlos Cornballs. My goodness, that is a mouthful. All right, what are we plugging? Andreloid Weber. What do we have?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please search out Musical Semicolon Theater on YouTube. I think you'll enjoy it. And perhaps you'll get to hear the unheard pilot to Musical Semicolon Theater featuring me and Gino Lombardi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I want to hear that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lot of people want to hear it. There's a reason no one has heard it until now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a bit rough.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you gonna dust off some of that gold, though? Eventually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, we'll release it as it was recorded record. Yes, we'll let. We'll let people judge. But it's not. It's not up to my standards, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, you have very high standards.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

All right. Four.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We must see, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Poor little chap.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want to play?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even his coughing is adorable.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Other than Whoopi Goldberg. Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A rogue to the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my. You're high fiving me. Yes. So hard.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So many times. So many times. So many. Five fives.

[Scott Aukerman]

Five fives. Do you call them? Five fives? My God, that's what I call. What do you want to plug? But no one lives aside from Whoopi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We all know. We'll tell people.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I just want to plug my son four and a half ill. Because once I go, someone's going to need to take care of him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I always believe in my heart of hearts that when one soul leaves this earth, another soul comes into it. And the population increasing probably decries that, but I think that. I think that that's really true. So. I think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think God never closes a door without taking a life.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I suppose it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

God makes a better door than a window.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. He was a carpenter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Of course. Course. So he can. He can buy a window from the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's another chap who does.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You want a door, you go to God. You want a window, you go to a window guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You really should. That's not something to screw around.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no. First of all, your heating bills.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is what I'm saying.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It affects the whole Thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it really does. Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Let's close up the old plug bag. He doesn't have much time left.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He doesn't. Poor little fell.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gonna listen to some plugs Gonna listen to some plugs Gonna listen to some plugs Gonna get my info out Gonna get my j. Listen. Talk about it Talk about my job Some plugs Gonna listen to some plugs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just wanted to add to the song before I die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Leave a piece of your Zelda. Something to remember you by.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're welcome.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A little piece of immortality.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just a little piece of Fovolio.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's slipping away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Take my hand. Take my hand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Take my other hand. Not the one you already took. Take my other one. This is more comfortable for me.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's a nicer hand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, goodness. What's happening? It's getting so cold.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're crossing over, dear boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you see that light?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I see it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you see it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go towards it, little fellow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go towards it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

But I want to stay. I have so much to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You really don't.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I really do.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you don't have anything.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think I have more to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you got nothing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Webs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm swinging out of here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did you try and make me think I was gonna die?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm stronger than all of you. We thought you were dying. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

He did die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He did die. He had a weird burst of strength right before his demise.

[Scott Aukerman]

He did have super strength, obviously.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's so strange, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he had web powers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then he stabbed us. I'm really bleeding out of this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm bleeding. He also made a sort of web fist that he was swinging around and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hitting us with, like, one of those Hulk hands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it made the G sound when it hit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh. Jesse Falcon, I believe, had something to do with that. And what? And what? What? He's dead. He's dead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's really dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's lying here next to Alan Thicke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, why is that still here?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so hard. So hard to clean up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And who's that over there?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Todd's back. He came back to life, so. Well, then, who is that? I don't know. That's from some other show, I think. Well. God, Fourville's really dead. I never thought I would see this day. He's really dead. And this is. But this is incredible. You know, like I said, I truly don't believe that anyone leaves this Earth without leaving a little Something of themself behind. And what's that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you hear that rap tap tapping at this chamber door?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tis a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let it go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can't remember apparently and I've said it on my show. Yes, tis something and nothing more.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Take another pill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I want that pill. Hey, why don't we open the door? It's probably Certainly. I'm sure it's someone. Go ahead and open that door. Here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A door opening. Little tiny, tiny crack. Do you hear that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you hear something?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just asked you that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, there's no one behind the door.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, but I did see it open a little tiny crack.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello. I'm looking for my dad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Scotrick. Look down there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at that. About half an apple high.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's impossibly small.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's so small.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Just me and my Rottweilers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Bobby Moynihan]

My tiny rot lyers lives.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, they're adorable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But also somewhat terrifying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's a lot like those tiny dinosaurs at the beginning of Jurassic Park 2 the Lost World.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Their slavering jaws are putting me at ill at ease.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I just came here to find my puppy.

[Scott Aukerman]

You must be four and a half vil. Yeah. We have some terrible news.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I'm sorry little fellow, but your. Your father has. He's passed on, I'm afraid.

[Bobby Moynihan]

The fuck are you talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

Your father had radiation poisoning.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

He had superpowers as well as superpowers. We found out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As it turns out, he had a very brief burst of superpowers. Yes, but mostly radiation poisoning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And he is lying upon the floor next to Alan Thick right here.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Then he forced the world to live.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He went through five stages of grief that. Yes, Dabda. Now see, how does he. He knows it right away?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't know. He dab d it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, why didn't you tell him that he could make it? Why didn't you give him the support that he needed as friends?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we thought that we should talk to the ah in Dabda.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We thought we were giving him support by helping him to accept his imminent death.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Now do you know we did tell.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Him to go away from the light. You don't tell him to go towards it.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you know that we did all these things?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm assuming you did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh yeah, well, that's a good assuming.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because we did be alive.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I also have superpowers because I. I was born after he was bitten. So I have a spider scent and I can hear real well through the walls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What like spiders.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can spider sense hearing through walls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I forgot this.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's almost like I'm a spider. Foil and a half.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is incredible. You sons of bitches killed my dad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was dying and he stabbed us before he passed on.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. I think the he had it right. There you go. I know these are very tiny, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How does it hurt?

[Scott Aukerman]

Take that and that. I will return.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Come on, Pony.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He hopped onto a Straut wireless and rode away.

[Bobby Moynihan]

My Rottweiler named Pony.

[D]

What's poppin listeners? I'm Lacy Mosley, host of the podcast Scam Goddess. The show that's an O to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week I talk with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time. Wanna know about the fake errors? We got em? What about a career con man? We've got them too. Guys that will wine and dine you and then steal all your coins. Oh, you know they are represented because representation matters. I'm joined by guests like Nicole Byer, Ira Madison iii, Conan o' Brien and more. Join the congregation and listen to to Scam Goddess wherever you get your podcasts.

[Scott Aukerman]

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