Bonus Bang: Time Bobby (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang - Time Bobby

Episode Overview Bonus Bang: Time Bobby features host Scott Aukerman engaging in a unique and extended interaction with two recurring characters: Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Bobby Moynihan portraying Bobby Forville, a quirky orphan with a penchant for knives. This episode blends improvisational comedy with scripted elements, creating a dynamic and entertaining narrative that delves into themes of creativity, mentorship, and the eccentricities of the entertainment world.

Key Sections

1. Introduction to Bonus Bang and Time Bobby Concept [00:00 - 05:00]

   • Scott Aukerman introduces the Bonus Bang series, highlighting its purpose of releasing favorite episodes from behind the paywall.
   • He announces that for the next four weeks, the podcast will feature the iconic Time Bobby episodes, originally released in 2012, which have gained significant popularity.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Scott Aukerman: "We're for the next four weeks going to be featuring the iconic Time Bobby episodes."

2. Setting the Scene: Arrival of Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber [06:00 - 11:00]

   • Scott welcomes Paul F. Tompkins playing Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, setting up an interview that promises depth and exclusivity.
   • The atmosphere is playful, with Paul exhibiting exaggerated gentlemanly behavior, including holding his breath during introductions.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Paul F. Tompkins: "I've been holding my breath for the entirety of that introduction."

3. Deep Dive into Andrew Lloyd Webber's Career and Creative Process [11:00 - 25:00]

   • Scott attempts to ask unique questions about Webber's work, specifically targeting aspects of his musicals like Jesus Christ Superstar.
   • Paul humorously struggles to recall details, leading to a satirical recounting of a bizarre version of Jesus Christ Superstar where Jesus becomes destructive.
   • Interaction with Bobby Moynihan emerges, portraying a "stabby" orphan influenced by his theatrical experiences.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Paul F. Tompkins: "There he is. He puts on his top hat... Jesus bursts from his ropes and he says, jesus smash."

4. Introduction of Bobby Moynihan's Character: Bobby Forville [25:00 - 40:00]

   • Bobby Moynihan's character, Bobby Forville, introduces himself as a homeless orphan with a troubled past, including the tragic death of his parents during a birthday celebration.
   • The dynamic between Scott, Paul, and Bobby becomes increasingly chaotic, blending humor with dark comedic elements.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Bobby Moynihan: "I used to be an actor... I was in Jesus Christ Superstition."

5. Conflict and Comedic Tension: Preparing for a "Stabbing" [40:00 - 60:00]

   • The conversation escalates as Bobby threatens violence humorously, creating tension that is defused through comedic dialogue.
   • Paul attempts to mediate, highlighting the absurdity of the situation while maintaining the comedic tone.
   • The trio engages in humorous strategies to "defuse" Bobby's threatening behavior, including creating a mock plan to prevent stabbings.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Bobby Moynihan: "I'm getting stabby. I'm getting stabby."

6. Improv Skit: Rehearsing a Musical Script [60:00 - 75:00]

   • The group transitions into an improvised skit, acting out a scene from a fictional musical about Marilyn Monroe.
   • Scott adopts the role of the director, while Bobby plays a young actress, and Paul continues as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
   • The skit parodies theatrical rehearsals, complete with exaggerated personalities and over-the-top drama.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Paul F. Tompkins: "Goodbye, Marilyn Monroe. You predeceased all of my musicals."

7. Cliffhanger and Break [75:00 - 80:00]

   • The episode builds up to a comedic cliffhanger where Bobby attempts to "escape," prompting a fake break in the podcast.
   • Post-break, the trio returns to resolve the humorous tension, reaffirming their comedic camaraderie.
   • The episode concludes with light-hearted banter, emphasizing the show's hallmark of blending scripted and improvised comedy.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Scott Aukerman: "We are going to have to take a break. We have to."

Notable Quotes with Attribution and Timestamps

• [06:36] Paul F. Tompkins: "Do you know, Scotrick? I've been holding my breath for the entirety of that introduction."

• [12:08] Paul F. Tompkins: "Begin with Musicals. And then why did I do it?"

• [16:15] Bobby Moynihan: "I have conversations with the characters from my musicals almost every."

• [22:08] Scott Aukerman: "A gentleman never soaks anything in."

• [27:42] Scott Aukerman: "And now I would like to be invited to your place."

• [34:27] Scott Aukerman: "He seems entirely too ready to stab."

• [50:00] Paul F. Tompkins: "We're in the rehearsal studio, or rehearsal, as we say in Britain. They're working on their tiresome musical about Marilyn Monroe."

• [54:37] Scott Aukerman: "Are you not used to these rhythms, by the way, at this point?"

• [67:00] Bobby Moynihan: "I'm a filthy liar. The truth comes out."

Episode Insights and Themes

• Creativity and Eccentricity: The episode showcases the creative interplay between the hosts and guests, emphasizing the unpredictable nature of comedy improvisation.

• Mentorship Gone Awry: Through Bobby's character, the podcast parodies the chaotic relationship between mentor and mentee, highlighting the humorous pitfalls of creative guidance.

• Theatrical Satire: By mocking elements of musical theater, especially Andrew Lloyd Webber's influence, the episode satirizes the grandeur and drama often associated with Broadway productions.

• Dark Humor: The inclusion of mock-violence and Bobby's "stabby" tendencies infuses dark humor, balancing the lightheartedness with edgy comedy.

Conclusions

Bonus Bang: Time Bobby is a testament to Comedy Bang Bang's ability to blend scripted content with improvisational comedy seamlessly. Through the interactions between Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins, and Bobby Moynihan, the episode delivers a rich tapestry of humor, satire, and character-driven storytelling. Not only does it entertain, but it also offers a playful critique of the entertainment industry's quirks, making it a standout episode for both long-time listeners and newcomers seeking an engaging comedic experience.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up up up at the gas pump, the grocery store, rent. But you know what? At Metro they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh get this, you get a 4 free 5G phone, all with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply details at metro by t-mobile mobile.com this episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential vary discounts not available in all states and situations hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bangs being of course where we re release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall and this is a very exciting series we're about to embark upon because we are for the next four weeks going to be featuring the iconic Time Bobby episodes. That's right, Time Bobby. This started as but a mere episode that we recorded and thought people would like. The first one turned out to be one of the most favorite episodes of the year that year and we followed it up with several sequels. So this week we're releasing the first time Bobby episode. This was released March 26, 2012 as episode 150 and it features Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Bobby Moynihan from SNL as the Stab happy orphan Forville. This was voted as the best episode of 2012 in the best of's of that year. So hey, I think you're in for a good one. If you enjoyed this and you want to hear more episodes featuring Paul F. Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan, become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes that you can't find anywhere else. Plus every single live show. All of this ad free new episodes, ad free bonus shows like CBB Presents Scott hasn't seen. We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus. I wish I had more tie dyed T shirts. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you so much for that catchphrase submission, Charlie Craft. And yeah, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. I'm back from my travels. This is, by the way, if you have never heard the show before, my name is Hot Saucerman and I'm back. I'm back from south by Southwest. Thank you so much to everyone who came out to see us at south by Southwest to see the shows. Had some great shows. You heard the one that we put out last week and then, you know, thanks for coming out to all the other ones, the stand up shows and the that weird IFC show that we did in the strange IFC house. Apologies to anyone who came out to that to see us turn that into a debacle. And yeah, I'm back now. We're done with the show. We're in post. The TV show. We're in post production. If you don't know what post means, post production is what that means. We're editing them together. They're coming out. Great. I can't wait for you guys to see it. Thanks so much for all of your kind words about the sneak peek that we put out. And speaking of the sneak peek, we have one of the guests that you saw on the sneak peek here for the entire hour. This is quite a treat because sometimes he comes barging in here like some loudmouth buffoon. But we have him here all hour. He's here for a quiet, sedate interview and we're just gonna get into it. I mean, I'm very excited because growing up, as many of you know, a musical theater person, I loved his work growing up. First of all, I came to know his work from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I saw that when I was 14 years old. Thought it was fantastic. Then segued into a more, in my opinion, a more adult tone with Jesus Christ Superstar. But then the hits just came with Heavita, which you can see on Broadway right now with Ricky Martin. And from Heavita, we went to hey Cats and hey, Phantom of the Opera and so many more. And he's here to talk to us about all of those and what he has going on. Now I want to welcome to the Program. Our very special guest for the entire program. He's a musical theater legend. He is, I would say, a composer. Not as much a librettist. He usually finds other people to write the words for him. But maybe we're gonna find out about some of his future projects. But you know him. How long can this intro go on? I know you know him as Lord Alw. Andrew Lloyd Webber is here with us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know, Scotrick? I've been holding my breath for the entirety of that introduction.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had no idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why did I do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was not required to do so.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I never did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Under the podcastual bylaws, Why a gentleman holds his breath during an introduction. Everyone knows this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, maybe you. Maybe you're just soaking all of that in. You don't want to exhale.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A gentleman never soaks anything in.

[Scott Aukerman]

I noticed that you've tied a ribbon around your microphone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have. For the troops.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I know. You're very. Which troops, by the way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Grenada. So I'm late On my walls. I'm just getting around to getting caught up. Yes. Oh, those bloody Falklands. Thank God that's over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Well, welcome. Welcome, Andrew. You know you've been a guest on this program many times, doubtless, and this is the first time that you've been an invited guest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Usually we're doing the show, if people have heard the show before. Usually we're doing the show and I talk to one of our guests, and in the middle of the show, some. Some oddball comes in and you're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes, I'm certain, you don't lump me in that particular case.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're an actual theatrical gentleman who occasionally comes in legend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just did. It wouldn't kill you to repeat it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. You're a legend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. So welcome to the show. It's always great to see you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, Scotrick, for actually inviting me. Now, in a way, you have invited me because you have an open door policy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do when it comes to you. Sometimes I need to invite you because you're a lot like a vampire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where you won't step into a room until.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's because of my medal. I wear this medallion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dracula. And your cape.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dracula medallion is, of course, the style of medallion that it is refers to the shape. I have not been awarded it for Dracula activities. Dracularic activities. I wish I'd said that the first time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, well, we could always snip that out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish you would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope. So, welcome to the show. Yes. You're an invited guest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were saying?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. So I sometimes just had to barge in here when the spirit moved me, when I had something about which to speak, a burning desire to share my thoughts with the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Via your podcast, you quite often have several new ideas of theatrical endeavors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say that's true. I'm always thinking, don't you know? You see, I. I work in my dreams. So when I fall asleep each night, or sometimes during the day when none of us getting any younger, darling, I shall go into this cloud cuckoo land where I think of my ideas for musicals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah. That's where they all come from. I noticed that some of your ideas are a little bizarre.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, a lot of them involve being naked at my old high school.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to see that new musical that you have planned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was one new one that I'd been working on called My mom's House, Only it's not my mom's house, but my point being.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That I have to rush down here to the EWOLF studios and share with the world these fortunes that I have because I'm bursting into the thieves of the creativity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we have plenty of time today to hear about all of these.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank heavens, because I look forward to spending this time with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna do a sole guest mano a mano, one on one to man. Mm. And uno to uno. And nothing will ever interrupt us, Not a single thing, until we reach the end of the program.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. In which case, we will be interrupted by the program's conclusion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And. And that may not be an interruption as much as it will be a denouement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I like when you use theater terms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So first, ask me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

May I say yes, at this point? This is. It's rare that I do such a thing. Scotrick, you may ask me anything. Nothing is out of bounds. Nothing is off limits. It's all. All's fair in love and war. And this interview. We may chat about this. That even the other thing which I have heretofore forbidden any journalist to ask me about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. All right, well, let me try to delve deep then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am an open book and lyrics.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to ask you something just maybe that no one has ever asked you before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I dare you to do so.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Who would you say are the two main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is an excellent question. No one has ever asked me this. Usually everyone just knows. If I were to. If I were to stay Definitively who the main two characters are in Jesus Christ.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also, you could expand it to main three, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. Oh, I like the way you think. This is certainly. This is two unasked questions in a row. The main two characters are in order.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would say probably in order of importance or in order of appearance?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Both.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now I can't remember who appears first. Please don't hold me to that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe Judas appears first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, then this would be in order of importance in my mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

The curtain rises.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lights up. Both of those kind of. Usually at the same time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone is told backstage, stop whistling, stop saying Macbeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then all of a sudden, Judas appears on stage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. There he is.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you hear that famous refrain, always.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There are some boos in the audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, always.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They recognize him. Boo. They betrayed our lor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then Judas twirls his mustache.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. He puts on his top hat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He stands up from the train tracks and is high. Jesus Christ.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he asks Mary Magdalene for the rent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. She says, I cannot pay this rent, you ask?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he says, ah, but I am Judas Iscariot, and I demand you pay 30 rents. 30 pieces of rent?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

5,000, 2,100, 600 rents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then Jesus bursts from his ropes and he says, jesus smash. Then he goes on a rampage, smashing this and that. The military is called in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course. And they. They start firing at him, but the shells, the shells just bounce off of his skin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He says, you make Jesus angry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Puny humans.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Puny humans. Yes. Then Punch's pilot comes in.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he says.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he punches, punches.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He punches, punches. Who becomes a pilot, gets in a plane, but he can't fly it because he's so scared of the controls being dirty, he keeps washing his hands.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The plane crashes. Jesus resurrects everyone from the plane crash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Smash. Cut two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's 20 years later. The Skynet Corporation has taken over all of Judea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Oh, my goodness, what an amaz. Now, many of you have probably not seen this program because you're not theater nerds like us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. No. I imagine you like your sporting events.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Cricket.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your North American baseball.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your North American football.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Foot ball.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sounds familiar.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a game where it has a quarterback, and he touches the ball with his foot a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you mean like English soccer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Okay, so. And that's Jesus Christ Superstar. And there's the character.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, fantastic. Well, I have many more questions like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I hope you have thousands of thousands.

[Scott Aukerman]

So here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The more probing, the better.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You may ask me personal things. Doesn't need to just be work related. I'm giving you carte blanc.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. Personal questions. How do you feel about the main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar? Do you feel like they're the right ones that you picked? And who are they?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know Skulltrek? I have conversations with the characters from my musicals almost every. Who's that knocking? This is highly irregular.

[Scott Aukerman]

This has never happened in the middle of an interview.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? Who's this little ragamuffin?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at this street urchin.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hey, my dear. Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who are you, son? Speak up, boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Are you Angel Noy Webber?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why, yes, I am. Oh, it's nice to meet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a smart young child you are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello. Hello. Young man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a fan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a fan of the musical theater? Yeah, and my work in it in particular.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. I was lost and I heard your voice outside to Arcadia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say you recognized my voice?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. From outside the building, I wouldn't recognize that voice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, wait, hold on. I like the cut of this young man's gym.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do too. I do too, but this is. You're lost in the building, young man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I got lost.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was outside, I was so lost and I heard the voice, so I came in because I'm hungry. I was looking for scraps.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long have you been lost for?

[Bobby Moynihan]

A couple years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A couple years, you say? Yeah, that's logs. How to be lost, little boy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

So I don't know the exact time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know the day that you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you may borrow my calendar.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It was a third.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There you are.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Andrew Lloyd Webberton's calendar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. What's on that calendar?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's huge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at. Look at this calendar. What's. What's on there?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Beautiful. So many days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Aside from the days he scribbled little appointments on there. Tell us some of those.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's got one for new. New topic of a film he's doing. First film ever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait a minute. A new film? This is. This is a scoop.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He's never ventured into that. I know because I follow his work a great deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you've been gone for the last two years, though. How would you know if he's talked about it?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Newspapers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Do you see newspapers every day?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, that's what I sleep on because I don't got a home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, these. These newspapers don't have a date on them.

[Bobby Moynihan]

They do, but I Only got one good eye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like a fool for asking now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like plenty to read a date on a newspaper, though.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

One good one.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like you could read a date.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, kind of. But let's not get down to brass tacks or anything, all right?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm sorry to press you on the date.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Leave the little boys excuse me.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm starving. So. I get a little on edge sometimes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Squadrick, do we have any food here at the studio for the boy?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, all I have is sort of the fat that I cut off of my steak.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That would be the greatest.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't want. You know. I mean, it's bad for me. I don't know. I was saving that for my dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is a ragamuffin.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm better than a dog. I'm a human boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He does outrag dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here, have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have my table scratched.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here you go. Wait. Yeah, don't. You're eating the foil that you're eating the swan foil.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There's vitamins in the foil.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, please unwrap it, if you could.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're very hungry.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you so much. I haven't eaten in years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that medically possible for you to survive that long?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know. I don't got a real doctor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fair enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

That makes sense. We see, we just use, you know, using science that we know. But you say a doctor would be able to tell you if not eating.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A doctor could tell you anything. It's the most trusted man in the business world.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And to be fair, Scotrick, perhaps we've become used to medical advances that have happened in the last two years.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perhaps we know that doctors can tell people that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's. I get what you're saying. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's commonplace to us now, but for this little boy emerging. Emerging from the fog of two years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you remember a 2000 2010.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I wish I could.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, actually, 2009. Because we taped this in 2011.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right. I keep forgetting that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we tape it a year in advance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I keep forgetting it's 2011.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's because I got your calendar, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's exactly why.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give him back his calendar.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Give him your calendar back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I give you these table scraps, ones as big as yourself.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where did you get so many table scraps?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm just always carrying them around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? For what purpose?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For just such an occasion. In case I meet all orphans.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You could take me if you want to put me in musical.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you, dear boy? Are you?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I used to be an actor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that so?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've trod the boards.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I did a lot of musical theater when I was just a baby boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what productions would. I've seen any of these.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was in Jesus Christ Superstition. Well, that's what I. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What. What role did you play?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Jesus Christ.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's one of the main three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These. Can I. May I be candid?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's the main number one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The most important character.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jesus Christ Superstar.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you played Jesus Christ Superstar?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We just called him Jesus Christ in the musical.

[Scott Aukerman]

So can you sing one of the songs for us?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I wore my coat with golden lining.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love it when Jesus wears his coat in that show. It's just like he shows it off and he's real.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Cause it's a big coat. It's real nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It must have looked even bigger on you. You're just a little baby girl. Really?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why aren't you wearing it now?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Got stolen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, you don't still got it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

After all, I was on the street sleeping, and a man took it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, may I ask you, young man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are the curious circumstances that led you to be a homeless little fellow?

[Bobby Moynihan]

My parents were dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

So did you run away from an evil orphanage a la Annie or here Annie.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Rich man took me in for a little while and he was. And they got me into a theater program.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's so nice of him.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That was nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sort of broadened your horizons.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I just wanted scraps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm sure if he was a rich man, you could have eaten.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He was a very rich man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ice cream sundaes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Ice cream sundaes. He gave me a banana once. I put it on the ice cream sundae. And that's how the Bananas book got created. I don't know if you know that fact.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait a minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have to ask you, young man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, the second time it was created.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. No further questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

So when you created it, when it became something in your mind?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I had never seen one before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you actually created it because you'd never seen one before nor heard.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Of one of things all the time. You just created air conditioner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone can invent something even if it exists?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. If they don't know it exists, they think they've invented.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like someone who writes a joke that already exists. You still wrote the joke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great minds think alike, as they say.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, baby. Wait, I just made that up right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry to tell you this is.

[Scott Aukerman]

The crazy young man Austin Bowers has copyrighted that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was a great agent.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's been gone for longer than two years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great agent. Am I six?

[Scott Aukerman]

So what happened to the rich man, though? He put you into this theater program?

[Bobby Moynihan]

And then he threw me away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This cruel fellow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what? So you were in a. In a theater program?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I found I was walking the streets looking for scraps in a very rich part of town, and the rich man picked me up and he said, can you sing? I said, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And he put me in theater program.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but what happened then? I don't understand. Because you're. You're under the care of a rich man. It seems like you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I get sometimes I can be a bit much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're a handful.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, Scotrick is right. Normally, for an orphan to become under the care of a rich man. Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished by orphans. But you're saying it was through some personality quirk of your own?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. I get stabby.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I'm not familiar with American slang. What does that mean? Crankier.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I live on the street, so I gotta know how to take care of myself and be tough guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Certainly sometimes I get stabby again, I do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not familiar.

[Scott Aukerman]

What he's trying to say, Lord Alw. Is that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just call me Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Please call him that until he deserves the respect.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is your name?

[Bobby Moynihan]

My name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it Fagan?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's 4 Vol. Like Fievel, but one less. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yes. I think what he's trying to say is he actually stabs people.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, yeah, all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what you mean?

[Bobby Moynihan]

You gotta take care of yourself. You gotta know how to stab or else you'll get.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, you're not wrong there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you carrying a weapon right now on your person?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm not carrying it. It's in my pocket.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, semantics. He's got you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Technically, his pocket is carrying it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hands are all greasy for from the scraps, so I don't want to get on the knife because then the stabby won't be so accurate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And to be fair, you did make him unwrap the scraps.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, that actually is in our favor. In case he wants to pull that knife, it may slip out of his hands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why so ever should he want to pull that knife.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No. You guys seem nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We are fine. I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

So did your father figure, the rich guy, I would imagine.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He was nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was nice. Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why were you compelled to become so, as you put it, stabby?

[Bobby Moynihan]

He's got a mouth on him. He don't know when to stop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that so Am I.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Tell me to clean my room and I'm not ready to clean my room. Fucking please, young man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Four of them.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Don't fuck with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Horrible. Come on, now. I mean, I hate. I hesitate to even criticize you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's okay. I like you. I like your show. I'm a fan of the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, you know this show as well?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get lost right outside my building then?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I got lost all over the place. But right outside, I heard the beautiful voice and I came to it. I didn't even know. It was like it was pulling me towards, like a rapture of some kind.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been gone for two years. It's 2011 right now. Because we taped the show a year in advance. So how have you even heard the show? Have you been listening outside the door this whole time?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sometimes I'll just go up close to people's ears when they have headphones in, try and listen in on the street.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's not annoying.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, no, they hate it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I. I curse those people. You're an adorable little fellow.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It would be. I would be delighted.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Come from you. That's a dream.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would feel much more comfortable if you disarmed yourself. If you just sort of put that out on the table and just.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One large knife.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Butterfly knife. I invented.

[Scott Aukerman]

That you invent. In what way did you invent that? Because that's an actual professional knife.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I meant, I. I just. I thought of it, so I. I bought it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You bought it? You didn't. I mean, well, sometimes I like to.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Say that's inventing things. I'd never had one before and I never seen it. So when I bought it, I said, now, this is something I could get used to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Young Master Vorville, may I ask you. When you say butterfly knife.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you referring to the shape or its purpose?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have killed many butterflies by knife. Yeah. Because they don't know when to fucking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, again.

[Bobby Moynihan]

They just fly near you and it's in your personal space. And you gotta teach these fucking things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, please. Where did you learn this kind of language?

[Bobby Moynihan]

The streets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now you have it. Yes. The streets.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have to judge him on a different scale than Normal people who have been raised correctly at times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When he uses such vile words, he sounds like a regular Cockney. As if he's been born between the sounds of both bells.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I was in My Fair lady, too. What role did you essay Alfred Doolittle? The father, clearly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Meaning, get me to the church on time.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Get me to the church on time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wonderful song.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that song. Even. Even better hearing a little child sing it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a brand new meaning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you know the songs in that musical were written by the Monkeys?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Rest in Peace. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They did not write their own songs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Next year. They Rest in Peace. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the other thing. I've been to the future.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Somebody should tell him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please. I'll get around to it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Of course you don't. Whatever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you're bearing the lead here. You're a time traveler.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've never mentioned that on the show before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a don.

[Scott Aukerman]

I ping pong back and forth from a year in the future.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you in control of this?

[Scott Aukerman]

I regulate sort of what happens, you know, I'm sort of a time policeman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a time copper.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't like to be called cops.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do apologize. Time Bobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Time Bobby is much better.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He doesn't like that. Andrew. I'll stab this guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, please don't. Please.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, right, this is what's worrying.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He's a good. He's a genius man, but you don't mess with people.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but that's what, that's. What's. That's troubling to me is that just a second ago you said you would never stab either of us, and now you're saying that you will stab him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You seem. You seem entirely too ready to stab.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm just good at it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, the good thing is, though, at least your weapons are equidistant from the three of us. They're just right there in the middle of the table. Any of us could reach over.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I like to keep it fair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So if it ever comes to it, during the course of this program, we all have a good equal chance at grabbing the knife. Although it does look a little slippery because your hands.

[Bobby Moynihan]

With greasy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, with grease. Grease. Scraps. Scraps. Grease. So that may come into play if it ever comes to that. I'm not saying it even will because hopefully we'll be great friends. So. But, you know, it may come into it. It may slip out of some of our fingers if we ever grab it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sure we will. Remain the best of companions through the entire podcast.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Everyone's just gotta stay cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we'll all stay cool. I'm sure we will.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's all stay cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alright.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As Fonzie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell you what, I do want to take a little bit of a break here. Why? Well, you know, to pay the bills.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't understand. What does that mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I need about two minutes to go online and pay some of my bills.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you know, just my electric, my cable bill.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I wish I had bills.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, we'll get to that because we may have some bills for you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yes, I bet we do whatever often wants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Responsibilities of a home. All right, so let's take a break and we will be right back here with Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber. And four will be right back. Comedy Bang Bang. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Here's what it is. You create a stunning online presence with Squarespace where you can easily showcase your services. Whether it's, I don't know, consultations, maybe events, experiences, all on a fully customizable website. Just enjoy yourself customizing this thing. You're going to love it. It attracts clients and it helps grow your business. Squarespace's cutting edge design tools make it simple for anyone to build a bespoke website that aligns perfectly with their brand. Here's how you start. You start with Blueprint AI, their AI. AI. AI AI powered website builder. And create a fully personalized site in just a few steps. Oh, this sounds so futurist. Squarespace also helps streamline your entire workflow with built in tools for appointment scheduling, email marketing and professional invoicing. Plus, get paid on time with branded invoices and seamless online payments. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Hey, you know, when it comes to men's mental health, I mean, men is right there in mental health. So you'd think men would be like, oh yeah, men till health. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I should take care of that. But you know what, there's a huge stigma surrounding it, isn't there? But you can feel very strong when you maintain a healthy mind. Look, it's right there in the title. Mental health. Right? Men today, they face immense pressure. It's no wonder that 6 million men in the US suffer from depression every year, and it's often undiagnosed. Well, look, it's okay to struggle. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and doing something about it so you can be at your best for yourself and everyone in your life. If you're a man and you're feeling the weight of the world, talk To Someone and BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, you can switch therapists if you want at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp, our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Bang. Bang. That is better. H-E-L-P.com Bang Bang. Oh, man. Think about all the times that you should have called an expert instead of doing it yourself. If you're a lawyer, accountant, realtor, or any other profession that requires sending a lot of stuff, don't waste your time. Rely on the experts instead. Stamps.com is the reliable expert. That's simple and easy to use, and it saves you time and money. Access all of the USPS and UPS services that you need to write. Run your business right from your computer or componer or componer or phoner. Anytime, day or night. No lines, no traffic, no waiting. All you need is a computer and a printer or a comprinter. They even send you a free scale. That's right. Stamps.com, we've been using them for over a decade. At this point, it has to be. Yeah, boy, that's a long time. So letstamps.com do what they do best so you can focus your time and money on what you do better. Go to stamps.com and use code Bang Bang to sign up for a special offer. There's no contract required. You can Cancel Anytime that stamps.com code bang bang. Comedy. Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy Bag. Bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is in large part all I do on this program you were doing. You're trying to take it away from resetting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I do apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy bank.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy bank. Oh, I'm doing it again. I do apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

Much appreciated. If you would zipper your lip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Apologies. I very. As a lord, I'm very used to having my own way.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He's the host. Let him do his job or Else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, awful life. It's very threat.

[Bobby Moynihan]

And you, you know, you. You got. You got it going on. You got a lot of stuff going on. Let him do his.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me have my regular. Stacey's mom.

[Scott Aukerman]

A reference. Yes. Do you like fountain?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love references.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fountains of Wayne, though. Do you. Do you enjoy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the band that sings that song. Stacy's Mom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What song?

[Scott Aukerman]

Stacy's Mom. You just know it as a saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know who Stacy and I know him all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I see. I understand. Well, we're back here with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and, you know, Forville, I wanted to sort of get it. You know, we were in the middle of mano a mano. One on one, Heart to heart with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. And as much as your problems are interesting to us both.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

And one of us may want to adopt you at one point. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's entirely possible you're making a 90% good impression.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'll treat you right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just let this program be an audition for you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The 10% is the stabbiness.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I understand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's hard to overcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

That 10% is really weighing heavily.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Makes a difference.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I know about auditioning because I auditioned when I was a baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get the parts, by the way? I mean, you auditioned. Were you the best?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you get to the audition?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I would crawl. I'll crawl sometimes in a papoose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A papoose, you say? Like a red Indian.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you ever put into a basket on the river?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like mooses from biblical times.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should do a musical about Moses. No, not interested.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Too Old Testament.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you've done.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did Joseph and the Amazing Tech. The Hollow Dreamcoat. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Old Testament.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was my foray into the Old Testament.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that covered all of the Old Testament in your mind.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just so dreadfully ridiculous.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's where a lot of people would say the great stories of the Bible are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're all made up, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, sure, but so is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're false.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course. But so is mostly the ludicrous fairy tales. Are you trying to say that your shows are non fictional?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Phantom of the Opera.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is a nonfiction tale.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've heard of the opera. Phantom is a word I would agree.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. It's in the Dictionary.com website.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Therefore Phantom of the Opera.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. This is a lot like symbologic Fourville. Inventing stuff, I think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he's very clever lad.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. I mean, I know that I didn't really invent the things I'm not. Stupid language.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unbecoming.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I don't. I don't like the way that you. You motioned your head towards me too. Like to try to startle me.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Don't get in my way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, may I ask you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where I were I to adopt you? And I'm not saying I'm going to.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a rich guy, just like the other rich guy.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Still in the audition project.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very well.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I won't count my chickens. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I own a space shuttle. If were I to adopt you. And I attired you in a little velvet short pants suit. I gave you a hat. Straw hat with a big bow on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

A straw hat with a big bow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let you grow out your golden curls.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about a lollipop?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would give you the biggest lollipop you'd ever seen.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lollipop?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lolly. Do you think that would curb your tendency to swear and use this gutter language?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a good kid. I just want to be loved. If someone messes with you, or if someone. If someone tries to break into the home, they're gonna get fucking what they deserve.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. You know, one thing maybe that you need to learn is that when someone criticizes you or gives you instructions, an adult figure. It is a form of love. And I know that you're used to people withholding love from you, but it actually is a form of love because it's guidance and it's someone showing that they care about you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's nice, but I mean, still. I'll break your neck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do feel like you're missing the point of what we're trying to do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Cross me. I'm just saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'll come to your house, I'll clean, I'll do my chores. I'll be good. I'll help you transpose your music.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, thank you. Now you're talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because the keys are getting a little high for you, Andrew Lloyd Weber. I've noticed lately.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, because I will. The way. The way I have my cast members learn the songs. I sing them to them them over and over and over again until they learn them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course. Because you don't know how to play piano. That's the weird part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't even. I'm not even sure what a piano is.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's that thing. It has 88 keys and.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Like the movie Dick Tracy. Yes, of course, Andy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. 88 keys.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A very weird reference.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, but you know what? I love that you are. You have a Breadth of knowledge about cinema history.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I'm pretty good with that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, quite a little.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a little scamp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a little scamp.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I do want to ask you, before we get to my question to you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, we never found out exactly what happened to the rich old man. Was he old, by the way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a good line of inquiry, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know whether he was old or not. You never said he was old. You just said he was rich. He was old. How old was he?

[Bobby Moynihan]

74.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is elderly. Rich elderly man.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we've never found out his fate. Will he. Will he ever see 75?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, he's passed over.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He passed.

[Scott Aukerman]

He passed?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what way did he pass?

[Bobby Moynihan]

He said he woke up one morning, he didn't look so good. And I said, are you okay? And he said, leave me alone. I said, what the fuck did you say to me? And he said, I don't feel good. Please leave me alone. I just stabbed the shit out of him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How fool.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Because you don't act like that, especially in the morning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm going to overlook the language in this instance and focus on what I think is the most egregious crime you've committed, which is the crime you've committed of murder. You've stabbed this man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Murder in the first degree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In the first degree. Premeditated years, one might say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I've learned a lot talking to my friend Ice T about murder and sexual crimes mainly, but that he wrote Cop.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Killer, one of the greatest songs in history.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Judoby co wrote that song? No. What? He was originally called a cop hugger. And I said, I've got an idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to ask him about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's stir up a little controversy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You, me and Body Count.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it worked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It worked like a. It went down a treat.

[Scott Aukerman]

The three of you. I mean, I'm counting Body Count as a collector.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A unit. Yes.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You have to.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to these days. Economy. Yeah, yeah, but that is fascinating. I have to ask him about that next time he's on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish you would.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish I would too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. He's very open about talking about the creative process.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna go into the future just to make sure I've done that. Excuse me for a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where did Scotric go?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was a flash of light.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vorvul, why are you pointing that at me?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Because I'm back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, not a movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too soon. Yeah, I did. I Did it. I did it. I forgot to tell Davey Jones, though.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, figure it's fine. He's old. So what? Exact. So. So did the. The policeman take you away?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, I ran out into. Grabbed what I could in my bindle and I went out into the street.

[Scott Aukerman]

You grabbed your coat of many colors?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, Mike, I still had that. I said, bring me my color code and I ran out of the street.

[Scott Aukerman]

The servants brought you?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they weren't frightened of you? You from.

[Bobby Moynihan]

They. No. They could. Then I'm nice to them. But they know if they cross.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

May I. May I say Scotrick. And of course, Forvo will know this from his experience with this rich, elderly man. Servants, they do their jobs and they do that. If they're good servants, they do them impeccably. Well, it would be crossing a boundary for a servant to presume. To presume. Someone from the upstairs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You gotta know your place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have to know it's true. Now, on this we do agree.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have seen Downtown Abbey, so I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scotrick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my word.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's wrong?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even I know that like fingernails on the chalkboard of my airdrops.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm talking about my favorite program.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't say it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Downtown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've said it twice now.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, God, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that show. I'm the biggest Downtown Abbey fan there probably is.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm getting stabby. I'm getting stabby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go forthful, go.

[Scott Aukerman]

I won't bring a. Can I ask something about your coat?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

You say it's a coat of many colors. Are you sure it's not just a white coat that has a lot of red blood stains on it?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Are you kidding me right now? My amazing Technicolor dream coat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Steady.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just wanted to make sure that it's Tread lightweight. Okay, I'm sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we'll do best to take lad's advice.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we'll do.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There is blood on the coat, but it's of many.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's the blood of many people of different colors, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. Are you trying to say that like Spock's green blood, I killed Leonard Nimoy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

You killed Leonard Nimoy?

[Bobby Moynihan]

This morning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Watch wild in 2011.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope no one will ever hear of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let me check. Excuse me. Oh, okay, I'm back. No, no one's heard of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Next year.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's okay. Don't say it's not the real guy. It's an imposter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Because I think I checked and no one has ever seen the headline director of Three Men and a baby has been killed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I heard if you watch that film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can see the background of one of the seeds.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where Ted Danson is throttling Steve Guttenberg to death, saying, why did you make us have a baby? We're only two bed. It's very early in the film. In the background you could see Leonard Nimoy being stabbed to death.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Shotgun too, for a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But turns out it was just a cardboard cut out of William Shatner drowning his wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. My wife. All right, all right. Let's get back on track here because we've gone off the rails. Good luck to you a little bit here. What I want to know. And we'll get back to Forville, we'll get back to your troubles and we'll sort of check in with you a little later. But what I want to get back to Andrew Lloyd Webber is I feel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes, hello. I'm still here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like we were talking about your career and if you had promised topic. You had promised me some sort of, as we say in the biz, exclusi. An exclusive about what you were up to next. And I would love to hear exactly what you're doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I did promise you an inscoopment and what I've brought you is my latest endeavor. Now, you know they're planning this here to we speak, of course. Here in 2011.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're planning this television program.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're right in the middle of pilot season.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're right in the middle of pilot season. 2011.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, next year, from what I understand, sources tell me there's going to be a show, a television program.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you talking about the one where they are in the future and they go back to the past and there's dinosaurs? I'm so excited for that one. That is going to be amazing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ah, yes. It is not the topic about which I'm speaking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are they talking about Whitney? I'm super. She's in sweatpants. It's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I know who she is. It's Whitney.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How dare you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Whitney Downton. So downtown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This curdles my throat. There's going to be an hour long drama on the television here in America that's going to be about the creation of. Of a Broadway musical. No, it's going to be called Smash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this about Jesus when he bursts out of those ropes and he attacks the army?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It should be but it isn't. It's about a regular old musical, okay? It's the music. It's the behind the scenes of some tiresome theater people. They're creating a musical about the life of Maren Marc Maron Murdoch.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's ifc.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your ifc. The International Fried Chicken.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're doing. Wait, they're doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Creating. They're creating. Yes, next year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh. I hope they pick up my show. We're just working on a pilot with them right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

May I tell you some news for the future?

[Scott Aukerman]

Please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've talked to another one of these time bobbies. Yes, it's looking good for Carpenti Bank Pay. I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One word of advice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hire Reggie Watts.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not a fan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You must do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Star Trek. Please believe me.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Won't do it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You gotta do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Won't do it. Never.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'll see.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You cannot change the future. Everyone knows this.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is one thing. When I've been in the future, I've stayed away from it because I hate spoilers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No spoilers.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's one thing. Being a time policeman, that is really annoying. Is. I hate spoilers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's get back to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, yes, I've written this script.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're talking about Smash.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. It's a spec script of the drama Smash, which is about the creation of a musical about the most tiresome person in the world. Marilyn Monroe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, people love her to death.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do they still keep talking about her? No one knows.

[Scott Aukerman]

You go into any teenage girl's room and they just have pictures of Marilyn Monroe up all over. Oh, wait, no. I'm thinking about people in the 70s and 80s. I'm not talking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You may be. Or people in their 70s and 80s.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Those are the people obsessed with Marilyn Monroe. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've. I've written an episode of this show and I hope it will make it to. But I'd like to. I have a. Yeah. Even though I have a year to prepare, it'd be good to do a little. Just read a scene, just to see how it feels out loud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That I'll. Know if I'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good luck with that. And yes, I wonder if you might.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Be able to help me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You would. You would like us to read Scotracker?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love it if you and dear young Fauvel here would read Rose Elf. Over. You've trod the boards.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have. This would be an honor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, the honor is mine, young man. An esteemed board treader such as yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a Star Trek. I have a bit of a background.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

A bit of a background, yeah. All right. Well, you know, this is almost like when Quentin Tarantino directs, like an episode of CSI or AR or something like Emergency Room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you ever see that episode of the Price Is Right quadriplegic you directed?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I haven't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lingering shots of the women's feet as they introduce the prizes. Disgusting. Now, here, gentlemen, here, your scripts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thank you so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I always carry you. You know me. I always plant scripts in every.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Podcast studio I go to.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right, Underneath the furniture.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Scott, if anyone finds it taped underneath their seats, they win a gift certificate, usually. Is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Also, a paint pack blows up in the faces.

[Scott Aukerman]

This one isn't gonna blow up in my face, is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no. Because I've handed it to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It responds to my touch and my touch earlier. All right, now, scottraig, if you would essay the role of the director.

[Scott Aukerman]

Director.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And however. And Vauville, if you would play the role of the actress. Now, I know that may seem strange. Yes. Actress. That may seem strange because you're a little boy. But back in the Bard's day, it wasn't unheard at all.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I have range.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No doubt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your voice is a little high, too. I mean, and that's not a criticism.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm glad you said that, because I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just saying that, you know, we're all different. Human beings are all different. We all have different voices.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. There's over 30 voices. Speaking of voices, Fauvel, are you able to change your voice depending on the character?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Could you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Could you. Could you play a young lady?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I could. I'm a fucking actor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right? No need to point that at me. Yeah. Greasy though it may be. Very well, then. As Scott Riggs is the director, Vauvel is the actress. I will be playing the role of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so you're actually in this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Why not take the liberty of writing myself into it while I'm writing it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever acted before?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never. We'll see how it goes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've seen you on this year's American Idol.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And who were you you were mentoring the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mentor them all.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. What didn't you say to all of them this year?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I told all of them to imagine when they're singing the songs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That they are singing the voice of dear old glamour boss. Now, she's not a flippity Jibbit. Not a tall spot, certainly not a fuss budget. Just a regular old glamourpuss.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I saw that the other day and I couldn't imagine what you were thinking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why is that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, who knows? Okay, well, why do you think any of these children would know what a glamour puss is? I don't even think I know what a glamour.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do they know what a dinner plate is? How do they know what a salad umbrella is? How do they know what a weskit is?

[Scott Aukerman]

How do they know what wine to serve with fish?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you ever heard of a bubble shoot? Of course you have. You're a child. Very well.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Very well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I will also read the stage directions as needed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, fantastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here we go. We begin with the director.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do I need to knock on the door?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you don't. I don't know why it takes place. We're already inside.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, let me set the scene for the listener.

[Scott Aukerman]

How is anyone gonna know that I walked inside?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do. I do wish you would stop talking. Except when indicated. May I set the scene for the listener? We're in the rehearsal studio, or rehearsal, as we say in Britain. They're working on their tiresome musical about Marilyn Monroe. They're all very tiresome theater people. And they're arguing with each other, as people in the theater do. Everyone considers themselves very important and they are, of course, wrong. All right, and the director begins. He does not die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, I'm walking in the door now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, he's already there, but go ahead.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's get back to rehearsing, people. We are making a Broadway musical about Marilyn Monroe here, not playing American football with President Barack Obama. Whatever. I'm rolling my eyes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gag me with a spoon. Wow, that is very well done. Very well done.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I heard that, young lady actress. Now let's take it from the top and this time try being talented.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quite a burn. Suddenly the rehearsal room door opens and in walks an impressive figure in an expensive jumper and wearing the robes and medallions of an English lord. The actress is so startled she cries out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Excuse me, this is a closed rehearsal. I am so sure. You empty headed fool. Don't you know who that is? Why, it's Tony Award winning Broadway composer, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh, yes. I am a worthless creature who shall crawl on my belly for the rest of my days.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nay, rise, child. We are all equal to the eyes of Thespis. Now, of course, that's not actually true. My supremacy in the theater is absolute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just wanted to See how rehearsals are going for Marilyn Monroe? The musical about Marilyn Monroe and her life and death.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, who cares? Won't you sing one of your own songs for us? Oh, please, your excellency. If you shan't, I shall take this dagger and slit my own caterwauling throat. That's just a stage direction.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're not meant to do it. No, there's no need. I. Yes, of course please do need for that? Stay your hand, child. I'll go you one better. I'll improve a song that already exists.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hurrah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's even about Marilyn Monroe already. I'll just take the liberty of fixing the lyrics. Goodbye, Marilyn Monroe. You predeceased all of my musicals. Never got to see one. Not even Jesus Christ Superstar. The earliest. People still talk all about you. I don't understand it. You didn't even see Starlight Express where I had actors on roller skates pretend to be trains. I. It seems to me your life was irrelevant because you didn't see any of my work. Why do people care about you? It takes away conversation about me. I'm glad I never knew you. And I'm glad you're dead. Probably roasting in hell for assisting in someone having any extramarital affairs. The President. Your American President. And it goes on from there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, what a powerful. Oh, I wasn't gonna say that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But what were you going to say? Moving.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I was gonna say judgmental.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well written. Judgmental?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, in what way you think someone in hell because they. How did you put it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Assisted roasting in hell for assisting in someone's extramarital affairs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do you want me to stab this guy, dad?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. First of all, presumptuous. Let's not put the cart before the horse. Secondly, as much as I would like you to stab all manner of people, I will ask you to sheathe your weapon.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you for all your fine. You're an honorable young man.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I love you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, say I. I love you as well.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're the son. I never actually have several children. But you are a son I never had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I hate to think that this matter is settled because we still have some of the program to go before you decide whether or not you're going to adopt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. Nothing has been signed yet. I have not signed the adoption papers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have adoption papers on you, by the way?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Of course. I'm not stupid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're remarkably clean for having been in your disgusting blood soaked coat for so long.

[Bobby Moynihan]

There are one thing I keep close to my heart just in case.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Getting a bit dusty in here.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. I think you're crying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No. Every day I wake up and I look at the papers and I say, maybe I'll meet the Lord here. Jewelry Webber. And you'll take.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait. You've wanted to meet him specifically?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I've been following him for years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought you were lost.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a filthy liar. The truth comes out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my. This is. This is a bombshell that I am afraid we're going to have to take a cliffhanger on because we need to take a break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Strike me. Scarlet. I can't believe this turn of events.

[Scott Aukerman]

We are going to find out about this when we come back. No, we're going to have to take a break. We have to. We'll be right back with Comedy Bang Bang. And we'll follow up on this dramatic turn of events.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The sales are sizzling at Whole Foods Market just in time for the fourth of July weekend. Fire up the grill with savings on robust no antibiotics ever steaks. And there's more. Look for sales on meaty pork chops, made in house salmon burgers and sustainable wild caught sockeye salmon filets. Get it all with same day delivery or free pickup restrictions apply. Shop everything you need for 4th of July and beyond at Whole Foods Market. In store and online.

[Scott Aukerman]

Craftsman days are here at Lowe's with big savings on the tools you need. Save $100 on the Craftsman V26 Tool Power Tool Combo Kit now at $199. No matter what the project is. Craftsman's high quality, high performance products empower you to build on. Stop by your nearest Lowe's store and check out the full line of Craftsman tools today. Valid through 618. Wall supplies. Last selection varies by location.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. Tender, juicy and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it it, but trust me, it looks delicious.

[Scott Aukerman]

New McCrispy strips now at McDonald's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We've done it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we're back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A trio.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, yes. We were just warming up during that break. We always do because we tossed the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Energy ball around for a bit, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Played sound ball.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Made a machine.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we are back. It's Comedy Bang Bang. And we're here. A surprising turn of events happened.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. We immediately forgot about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So caught up in our exercises.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I made a little note to talk about when we came back, which is the only way that I can remember anything so, yeah. So we're back. And you were saying that you've been. I have it written down here. Stalking Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I wouldn't call it stalking. Man, don't put words in my mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you didn't use that word. You're right. You've been following him with murderous intent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And unbeknownst to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I want him to be my dad. Okay, well, I don't want to murder him. He's a genius.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you first hear of him? I mean, you. You.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Obviously, When I was in Jesus Christ Superstar, it really touched me, and I wanted to be with him forever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, this dear little fellow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is melting this miser's heart of mine, which I just decided I have.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He's a kind man who's brought smiles to millions, and I want to be part of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let me get the chronology of what happened here. You were put into the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The most important thing.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I don't understand why this will be confusing.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were put into the drama program by a rich old man, 74 years old.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Daddy Warhorse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Daddy Warhorse.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That was his name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's one of the legendary angels of the theater.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He used all of his unlimited wealth to fund various productions of this, that and the other thing which I have allowed you to ask me about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I'm gonna get to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't worry. We have time. Now, this. This gentleman, he's been a friend to the theater for as long as I've been alive, and you're saying you stabbed him to death?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, yeah. I didn't want to. He treated me right. But then that morning, all he asked was early.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He just asked that you leave him alone. He was feeling poorly, and you stabbed him unto death.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You don't act like that. You gotta be nice. I don't tolerate rudeness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But, Fauvel, dear boy, have you ever considered the more peaceful alternative of discussion? Of negotiation? Talking with people before you bring out your cold steel blade and insert it betwixt their ribs?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I would definitely try to curb my. Curb my problem if I'm with you. But, you know, it's hard when you live on the streets and you grow up like that. Everyone's trying to get you. So sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did your original parents die? Because you're trying to say that you came into these stabby feelings because of growing up on the streets.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, my parents died.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. So how did they die?

[Bobby Moynihan]

When it was my birthday and they said happy birthday to you, and they sing the song and they brought out the cake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a classic from Mildred and Patty.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They brought out the kill spinsters misely old crones.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's still demanding money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Still demanding money.

[Scott Aukerman]

After they've passed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you. Would you believe it? I had a birthday party for someone on my staff. We all sang Happy Birthday there they appeared, rising up out of the floorboards.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they passed a hat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They. They made everyone turn out their pockets. Some of the porter members on staff, of course, very embarrassed because they had no money and moths flew out of their pockets. Well, I was mortified on their behalf.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's happened to me with my wallet every once in a while.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the Lean years. The David Lean years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. When you were impersonating David Lean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not very.

[Scott Aukerman]

A weird person to impersonate. It doesn't get you a lot of money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not much demand for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very few people have Lawrence of Arabia parties.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what were we talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, who cares?

[Scott Aukerman]

So, okay, so they sing Happy Birthday.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I. Oh, now why would you stab.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Someone for singing Happy Birthday?

[Bobby Moynihan]

They were singing Happy Birthday and they got me a cake and I want Fudgy the Whale cake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you wanted an iced cream cake.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, Fudgy the whale cake. And it wasn't that. It's your birthday. You should get what you want.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I don't think that you should blame the streets for your murderous leanings here.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I disagree, Scott. I really disagree.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like they were instilled in you before you were on the streets. It seems like your murderous urges kind of.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think I just learned from the hardships and stuff that denied from me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One might say you have a Vigo Mortensonian history of violence.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Some people say I have a Vigo the Carpathian history from Ghostbusters 2. Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

I liked Slimer from Ghostbusters 1. Do you remember him? Do you remember him?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He had a mouth full of hot dogs.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, I love which. I had a mouthful of hot dogs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I liked the. The. The cab driver who was a skeleton.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, he was great. You know, a bit of trivia about Slimer. His name actually wasn't Slimer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if I was?

[Scott Aukerman]

They never called.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it was Joseph.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was Joseph. Yeah. And he got the nickname Slimer because I don't know if you noticed this in the movie, but he actually emitted some sort of sort of slime off of his body, which then would rub off on people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that explains the line that Bill Murray has when he.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He encounters this ghost, Slimer, and then he's Knocked down by the force of this little green goblin. And when he arises from the floor, he's covered in slime. And he says out loud to the other actors, he slimed me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I don't remember that part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe I dreamed it. Perhaps I'm making it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you might be.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've seen Ghostbusters?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, I watched it. Yeah, I watched it with Ray Parker Jr. Once.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us about that.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I lived with ray Parker Parker Jr. For a couple years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you really?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was this before your original parents or after?

[Bobby Moynihan]

After.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was it before the original Ghostbusters?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Right after I stabbed my parents, I took my dog Sandy and I went on the streets. And then I And Ray Parker Jr. Lived next door. So I just went in there and sat down. He's not doing much, so we just hung out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, he was a session musician, of course, who just kind of lucked into the Ghostbusters theme.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lucked into stealing a song from the news as people lock into stealing things.

[Bobby Moynihan]

That's what happened. I found out that he stole that song from Huey Lewis. So I killed him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Yeah, but that's not a secret. Just no one cares about it.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so let me ask, what were we talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

May I ask this, dear Master Forville, Were I to adopt you, to take you on as my ward at the very least and install you in my mansion.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which can be seen from space.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where is your mansion, by the way? Is it in the merry old land.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At the top of the world?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If I were to install you in my top of the world mansion, which can be seen from space, in order to curb your more stabrionic tendencies, what if I were to put you in a special room? Now this room, it doesn't necessarily have walls as we know them, but it has a sort of see through walls that sort of. Made of a bunch of thin sticks just in regular rows on four sides. But these sticks, they are made of gold. Solid gold.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about the ceiling and the floor? Would those also be sticks as well?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, those would be more squares. Just sort of very solid thick squares.

[Scott Aukerman]

So out of the six sides of this room, I'm presuming it is six sides, is that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's a little room inside a bigger room. So it's. It's a four sided room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four sided. But there's also the top and the bottom, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, well, you've got me there. Six sides.

[Scott Aukerman]

So two of these.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Congratulations, Albert Einstein.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, here's your Nobel Prize in mathematics. I try not to invent the atom bomb.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that you are trying to make fun of me for you not knowing something that might be exactly what's happening. All right, but in these six.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why don't you look into the future and see if that's the case?

[Scott Aukerman]

In these six sides, the top and the bottom are solid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the other four, they're making a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Roof and a floor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. And the other four are kind of. It seems what you're describing could otherwise be known as a cage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A gilded cage.

[Bobby Moynihan]

A gilded cage of my very own.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And I would keep you in here for, let's say, one calendar year in order to make sure that you're not going to stab anyone, but that you can see, I mean, you know, harm. And you'll get used to the rhythms of my voice and things that I will ask you, and so you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you not used to these rhythms, by the way, at this point?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, I'm very used to them. I just. You keep harping. I'm not gonna kill nobody. Unless they. Unless they see the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unless they.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unless they. That's the sticking point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, I wish you would just put a full stop after.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You would back the fuck up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, please. We won't have that language in the gilded cage.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am. I'm gonna reach for this.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Don't act stupid.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna reach for this. If you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm also going to reach for one of the other knives.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Do you think I can't reach quicker?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that my reach. I have very long arms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm very fast. Fast like a rabbit.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a scamperer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you have short, little stubby arms. And I don't say that to criticize you. I just mean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say. One moment.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Stubby arms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's do this as gentlemen. Let's do this. Gentleman.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm. I'm just saying that you. You have sort of a baby's body. I know, but you know how.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know how a baby has just kind of like a fat little. Just like. Like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You look like a little.

[Scott Aukerman]

This Pillsbury Doughboy to. Christ.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Christ, I'll slit you from balls to gullet if you don't shut your mouth already. Okay. All right. Please, man. I've.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shut up. That's. I just wanted to say that I.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Don'T want to be this way. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, all right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say, how close are we to a break?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you. You need a break?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I just have an idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you have an idea? Yes, okay, well, why don't we take one and before we take the break. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How about this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Count of three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Marquee to Queensberry rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone reaches for a knife. One, two, three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang bang. We're back. And boy, that was a cliffhanger too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's see who's got what.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's got. Okay, open your hands and we'll see who's got a knife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a. This is a candle.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I can't believe it's an Advent candle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what do you mean by an Advent candle?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One of those purple candles that you light that you open during Advent season. No, that's an Advent calendar. There's many facets to Advent. Anyway, what are you holding?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm. Oh my gosh. I'm holding a stick. It looks like a divining rod to find water. Yeah. And it's pointing just sort of northeast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Towards the ocean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, okay. There we go. Northeast towards the ocean. Towards the Atlantic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Well, you could see the Pacific. Why would you do the divining rod?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, true as true can be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bless my buttons.

[Bobby Moynihan]

You're damn right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at little Fauvel's got all the knives.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Greasy knives.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's even more knives than they were on the table.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Some garrote wire, a punji stick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got a candlestick from Cluedo, a couple rottweilers. He's got live dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Live muzzled rottweilers.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are you that quick?

[Bobby Moynihan]

I told you not to reach. Ma' am.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are you that. I mean, I, I, I just assumed from your, just your short little stubby.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Arms that you can kill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got all the knives and some dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but I don't mean to insult you.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I'm a death wish. Ma' am.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't mean to insult you. I'm just calling him like I see them. Well, I hope you won't do anything with those.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Well, don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Crud. Don't you want to put them back? Put them back on the table.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Put them in this cup holder.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. There they are. All right, guys, so we just have one last thing on the show. And I did have one question, though, for you, Andrew.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, you said I could ask about anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anything at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And I just had one really specific question about. I want to get deep with you here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So can you tell me what. What were the colors of Joseph's coat?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, of course I can Let me see if I remember correctly. It was. It was red and yellow, green, brown, scarlet, black. I think there was ochre, peach, rubik, olive violet, fawn. Memory says lilac, Gold, of course. Chocolate, mauve. I think there was also a little bit of a cream in there. Have I said crimson yet? I think there was crimson, silver, of course. Something else in the red palette. Rose, azure, I think lemon, russet, grape.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Did you say crimson?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did say. I believe I said crimson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, he said it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Purple.

[Scott Aukerman]

He said it just like. Let him. Let him do his thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quite. Even though it's the absence of color. Pink, orange, red, yellow, green, brown. Did I say scarlet? Black and ochre.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I. You know what it is? I'm seeing them in my mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And in my mind, Joseph is turning around.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like you forgot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's doing a spin. A 360.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's showing it off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so I'm seeing a real dandy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm seeing them all over again from the beginning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I feel like you've forgotten a really important one.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Did he say crimson?

[Scott Aukerman]

He said crimson.

[Bobby Moynihan]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Gentlemen, please. This is most unseemly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, blue. Yes, that's the one that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know why I couldn't think of blue, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, maybe the most popular color of all. This kid bugs me. I don't know.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Stop being such a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please. Four.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why don't you. Why don't you practice your butterfly knifing for just a little bit? Let the grown ups talk for a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just try. Try to stab around your fingers. Have you ever done anything like that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mumbly Pig?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Are you. Are you really gonna adopt this kid?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've never been more terrified my entire life.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not acting like it. I have to say that you're a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very good act to appease this monster.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you'll be really good on Smash then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think so?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Because, I mean, I would never have guessed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it a bit of a cheat? I'm playing myself?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's not a stretch necessarily, but sometimes you have to ease into something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I loved the Player where they're all playing themselves and everyone had a great fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, it's a lot like how Chris Rock had to play a crack addict before he could move on to being head of state.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's wonderful in that film. Underrated.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's Gotric?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I need you to spirit me away from the studio.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know that I have the resources to do that. What exactly do you mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You simply must. Well, radio to a helicopter pilot, have him throw down a rope ladder.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't have one of those. I mean, we just have this sort of. We. I mean, we just have, like, kind of a strange hatch that leads into a hidey hole. Like a spider hole.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I squeeze into this hidey holing spider hatch?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess you could, but, I mean, the thing is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, goodbye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait. It's hidden. That's the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll find it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, goodbye.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I hope not forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope not forever, but goodbye. Okay. Hey, Forville.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, how'd that game go?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It went good. I was practicing my knife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks good. Yeah. You didn't stab your.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Where did my daddy go?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you didn't see him go away?

[Bobby Moynihan]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh? Yeah. You had your back turned.

[Bobby Moynihan]

He must be going to get the room ready. The cage room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That sounds good to you, huh?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah. I can't wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna spend a whole year inside that cage.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Finally feel loved and be just like a real boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Isaiah, is it?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, Scotrick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give me the all clear.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Found the all clear.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Scott, did you try to pull fast one on me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't pull anything. I. Charlie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's gone by now. Oh. Hello. Fool.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were literally gone for 60 seconds. That's not enough time to get rid of anyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just thought he would have killed you and got bored and wandered off.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope you were willing to sacrifice me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not willing to sacrifice you, but willing to turn a blind eye should you be sacrificed.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not listening to any of this.

[Bobby Moynihan]

No, I can't hear sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope this is one of those times.

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's my one good ear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like even with one ear, you'd be able to hear What? Nevermind.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, no, I didn't pull a fast one on you. I was looking in the same direction as you, and this guy just totally turned around and he tried to get out of here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This guy is lord after Lloyd Webber, by the way.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Look, I'm not gonna lie. Understand?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that what adults usually do?

[Bobby Moynihan]

It's just my favorite. And I really wanted to live with you, but, you know, I got a lot of baggage and stuff, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thorval, though. It means my most certain death. Will you please let me adopt you?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Oh, I know it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Moynihan]

This is the greatest day of my life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please become my murderous son murderer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ward or Ward.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's see how it goes. Ward first.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, like a Robin type.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we'll solve some crimes. Yeah, Vigilante justice.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I got a sweet little outfit on, too. So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now that I see it, yes, it is rather reminiscent of your rags and tatters. I just assumed were clothes that were wearing off of. You are actually a very carefully constructed Robin costume.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is amazing. I've always wanted to visit your place. And you've never invited me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, no, but surely you didn't expect an invitation.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you're on this program so many times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, how many times have I been invited, dear boy?

[Scott Aukerman]

One.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And this is that time.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now I would like to be invited to your place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, why don't you try bursting into my home a few times?

[Bobby Moynihan]

Yeah, sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then we'll see how it goes. Seems to lead to invitations.

[Bobby Moynihan]

All right, well, burst in and see what happens.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I like this.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it seems like you have some sort of, like, little attack dog here at the ready now that you're gonna keep in a cage and you're gonna protect your house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please don't talk that way about my ward, who's also my vigilante justice partner.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I thought that you and I were cool on this. Like, I'm terrified of him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why did you appease him?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did you say that you were gonna adopt him?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm trying to appease him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you gonna try to ditch him?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I'm going to try to escape at the earliest convenience. Don't you understand?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not actually gonna adopt him?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My God, no. Why would I? He's a stabbing little maniac.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, how do we get rid of this guy? Yeah, I think the only thing to do is to try to out outreach him to one of these knives and kill him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, the knives are back on the table. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I think the mistake that we made the last time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that we announced that we were gonna all reach for the knives.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jump on him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We should reach for these knives before he does. So that way we have at least like a half second before he.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say, should we have a code word?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. What should. The code would be a knife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knife grab.

[Scott Aukerman]

Knife grab. Okay, so if either of us has knife grab, then we're both gonna reach for the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now to grab knife. This has to be crystal clear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knife grab.

[Scott Aukerman]

Knife grab.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knife grab.

[Scott Aukerman]

How can we remember that? You remember some mnemonic?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, a mnemonic device to let us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Know that when we grab the knife, we want to say knife grab.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knife grab. The signal is knife grab. How do we remember to grab the knives when we hear the term knife grabber?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, K stands for kid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a kid. Yes. N stands for naughty. He's a naughty kid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I stands for I'm going to grab a knife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I am the person.

[Scott Aukerman]

F stands for friend. He's not our friend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And E stands for education, which is every child should have an education. So that'll be easy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also, every good boy deserves fudge.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Okay, so that's that. G. Yes. G. Go ahead. I did. Knife. You can do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. Thanks for helping. G stands for ganzooks. I'm terrified of this little child who's going to stab me with a knife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I must wrest the knife away from his control and therefore gain the other hand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Fantastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember that.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ah stands for really? Don't you think it's time you grab the knife? Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. A. We're up to A.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A stands for here we are. A shame it would be were this little boy to grab the knife, dust and stab us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And then of course, that leads us to the last letter. B. B.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boy. Okay, so we have it for kid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's review.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kid. Naughty. He's a naughty kid. I. I want to grab this knife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

F. Friend. He's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's not a friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not a friend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's how I remember. He's not a friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

E. Every good boy deserves fudge and education.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dual meaning. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gazooks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gazooks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This little boy stabbed me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stabbed me. I have to grab this knife before he does and stab. Knife grab. He was listening. He has one good ear.

[Bobby Moynihan]

I am stabbed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am stabbed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am slain.

[Bobby Moynihan]

Per.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Plague on your lack of a house. Foreign.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tires matter. They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road. Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack. Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy, fast. Free shipping, free road hazard protection, and convenient installation options. Go to tire rack.com to see tire testing results, tire ratings and consumer reviews. And be sure to check out all the special offers. Tirerack.com the way Tire buying should be. Let's face it, our world is a hot mess. So we're setting out in a rocket ship to explore queerer pastures. I'm Chris Renfro. And I'm Finn Argus. And every week on our show, One of Us with Finn and Chris. We're going on a new, fully sound, designed adventure. Part interview, part improv, and always full of plot twists. Join the Best Friend Force every Tuesday from Good Get Productions. Wherever you go, there's one of us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pacifico is a Mexican lager brood to be discovered. It's like fresh tracks on a powder day like that uncharted trail a stone's throw away like the perfect wave on a sunny day Pacifico find your own way. 21 plus drink responsibly. Imported by Crown Import, Chicago, Illinois.