Bonus Bang: Wainscotting, Entrée PeeE Neur & Italiano Jones (David Wain, Ego Nwodim, Carl Tart)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang - "Wainscotting, Entree PeeE Neur & Italiano Jones"

Release Date: September 25, 2025
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: David Wain, Ego Nwodim, Carl Tart (as Italiano Jones)

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Episode Overview

This "Bonus Bang" episode of Comedy Bang Bang is a re-release of a classic CBB episode from the paywall, showcasing the premiere of Carl Tart’s character, Italiano Jones. The show continues its tradition of blending earnest celebrity interviews with a cavalcade of offbeat characters and improvised chaos. Featured guests include comedy legend David Wain (promoting Netflix’s "Medical Police"), Ego Nwodim as recurring character Entre P. Neur, and, making his CBBU debut, Carl Tart as the uniquely inept lawyer Italiano Jones.

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Key Segments and Discussions

1. Introduction & Medical Police Banter

Timestamp: 04:09 – 20:56

• Scott Aukerman opens as always with a wry catchphrase and introduces "Medical Police" week, leading to a semi-sincere, mostly jokey interview with David Wain.
• The discussion immediately goes meta, with affectionate riffs about the studio experience and podcasting logistics.
• Wain jokes about suffering a heart attack but refusing medical help so he won’t miss the podcast:

  "No, there’s an ambulance outside. I asked them to stop because I had the appointment to do the show." (07:51, David Wain)

• Medical Police credentials and background:
  • Wain identifies himself as "one of four co-creators" and "one of two directors," not-so-humbly name-dropping the cast:

    "Aaron Hayes and Rob Huebel… Lake Bell, Malin Akerman, Ken Marino, Brian Huskey, Beth Dover, Rob Corddry… Henry Winkler, Zandy Hartig—they're all there.” (14:15, David Wain)

  • The show’s globe-trotting premise is lampooned, with Wain listing a string of international locations—admitting the filming only took place in LA and Croatia:

    "But the story takes place in Germany, Brazil, New Hampshire, Italy, Sudan, Georgia, France, Denmark, Florida, Latvia, California, Bhutan, and China." (15:15, David Wain)

  • Joking about online presence:

    "If you were to hear that song, you would say… unless you’ve never heard the song before, you would say, that is the theme song to Comedy Bang Bang." (09:27, Scott Aukerman)

2. The Perpetual Pitch: Entre P. Neur

Timestamp: 20:56 – 45:46

• Ego Nwodim returns as the blustering "Entre P. Neur," peddling bizarre and redundant inventions—starting with... the mattress.
• The hosts and Wain slowly realize the pitch is for something that already exists:

  "Can I just say, David, Andre’s problem is he comes in here and he pitches things that already exist." (28:32, Scott Aukerman)

• Pitch breakdowns:
  • Mattress: "Rectangular in shape… two rectangles stacked. You would sleep on these rectangles."
  • Toilet: An elaborate geometric description resulting in, again, something that obviously exists—"toilet."
  • Reactions oscillate between exasperation, disbelief, and deadpan encouragement.
• Memorable banter:

  "If you were a woman, you wouldn’t know what it is to bore fruit." (24:38, David Wain)
  "Do you want me to part this rope?" (24:37, Scott Aukerman)
  "Listen, I don't think you've ever read the [Nick] Cannon Bible." (31:22, Entre)

3. The Debut of Italiano Jones

Timestamp: 45:46 – 75:19

• Carl Tart as Italiano Jones, an overconfident, confusing "Italian" lawyer with a mysterious accent and questionable legal prowess:

  "My name is Italiano Jones, and I will fight for you." (45:52, Italiano Jones)

  • He spells "ambulance" as "amalamps" and claims to practice all types of law—even "self-inflicted wounds":

    "Have you been injured in a self-inflicted wound? We can sue thousands of people…" (47:37, Italiano Jones)

  • Provides a backstory of representing Mike Tyson in a case involving a missing tiger, which arrived as a human skeleton:

    "And when the box came, the tiger was not in it. It was just a skeleton." (49:10, Italiano Jones)

• Wain and Entre volley questions about rectangles, law, courtrooms, and the nature of suings/trials, poking at the logic of U.S. legal and architectural standards.
• The episode includes a recurring bit about rectangles, cuboids, and furniture, as Entre endlessly re-pitches everyday objects as inventions.
• Notable confusion and meta-jokes:

  "You know what a lawsuit is, but you don't know where they take place?" (51:48, Scott Aukerman) "A lawsuit is a silk suit you wear to a rectangle." (51:51, Entre)

4. 911 (and Sharon) Joins the Show + Absurd Domestic Drama

Timestamp: 56:55 – 76:00

• A fake call-in contest for a "three-piece suit" devolves into a 911 dispatcher (Sharon) becoming embroiled in a paternity dispute with Italiano:

  "I'm pregnant. I'm seven and a half months pregnant. I've only ever slept with Italiano. He told me he was shooting blanks." (58:15, Sharon/911)

  • This leads to riffs about legal conflicts of interest, emergency procedures, and a baby that may or may not be part alligator.
• Wain proposes a contest for a suit giveaway, which ends up with 911 being the lucky winner.
• Italian paternity law, custody (confused with abortion), and the miracle of a 60-year-old pregnancy are discussed with deadpan sincerity.
• Sharon’s memorable line:

  "I have a confession. I did let a gay gator smash." (80:08, Sharon)

• The show closes with callbacks to rectangles, absurd legal cases, and a newborn who looks suspiciously like a certain alligator named Steve.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• David Wain on “Medical Police”:

  "It’s a half hour action comedy, crazy, incredible series on Netflix.” (13:04)

• Entre P. Neur’s perpetual confusion:

  "Never heard of it, never seen any of the things." (28:48)

• Italiano Jones’ sales pitch:

  "I will fight for you... Have you ever been injured in a chair? Have you stood on top of a chair and tied a rope around your neck and jumped off? Well, I will fight for you." (50:42)

• Meta-moment on the show’s formula:

  "We have an open door policy here. Anyone can come in and be on the show." (07:21, Scott Aukerman)

• On rectangles (a frequent riff):

  "Many things are born of a rectangle. Rectangular base." (32:05, Entre) "A lawsuit is a silk suit you wear to a rectangle." (51:51, Entre)

• Absurd denouement:

  "That baby is green and scaly... Looks just like Steve. ...I did let a gay gator smash." (80:00)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 04:09 – Show open; Introduction of guests and "Medical Police"
• 07:00 – David Wain’s “heart attack” bit & studio meta-jokes
• 13:00 – "Medical Police" introduction and premise
• 20:56 – Enter Entre P. Neur, “inventions” segment
• 28:31 – Failure of invention pitches: Mattress, toilet, etc.
• 45:46 – Introduction of Italiano Jones, legal absurdity begins
• 56:55 – Suit giveaway / fake call-in contest & 911 “Sharon” enters
• 58:15 – Sharon’s pregnancy reveal, escalating paternity farce
• 66:05 – Italiano disavows paternity, draconian judgment riffing
• 71:28 – More fake inventions, alligator-baby paternity twist
• 73:38 – Character plugs: Grammar clock chair duck & outros
• 80:01–80:12 – Alligator baby/“gay gator smash” punchline

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Episode Tone & Style

Irreverent, self-referential, and casually chaotic, the episode maintains CBB’s unique blend of tightly-wound improvisation, deadpan satirical interviews, and recurring in-jokes. The interplay between Aukerman’s straight-man persona and the guests’ escalating character bits lets the episode rapidly spiral into absurdity, while still winking at longtime listeners.

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Summary Takeaway

This bonus episode exemplifies the best of Comedy Bang Bang: the structured chaos of stacked characters, the dedication to running gags and callbacks, and the willingness to spin the most basic premise—rectangles and legal help—into long-form bits packed with wordplay and surreal logic. For Carl Tart’s Italiano Jones, it’s a memorable debut; for returning characters David Wain and Entre, it’s business as usual—just another day in the CBB universe of rectangles, lawsuits, and alligator drama.

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Further Listening/Watching:

• Check out Medical Police on Netflix ([13:04], [74:58])
• Classic CBB character-centric episodes at cbbworld.com
• "Grammar Clock Chair Duck" (new David Wain bit, [73:49])
• Order action figures and more at shop.figurecollections.com

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Transcript

[A]

Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up up up at the gas pump, the grocery store, rent. But you know what? At Metro they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh get this. You get a free free 5G phone all with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply details at Metro by T dash Mobile this episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential vary discounts not available in all states and situations. Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we re release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from Behind the Paywall. This week we're kicking off a new series. Very exciting when we kick off a new series. Always a special time here at Comedy Bang Bang and this series features a wonderful character played by Carl Tart. That's right. Italiano Jones. Italiano Jones. Now this week's episode is titled Wayne Scotting Entre Pinure and Italiano Jones. It was originally released January 12, 2020 as episode 634. This is the first appearance of Italiano Jones in the Comedy Bang Bang universe AKA the cbbu. Now this episode also features David Wayne as the A Block guest. He was promoting his series Medical Police at the time which of course went on because of his appearance on here the most well known and lauded and respected comedy series of all time. We also have Ego wodom from Saturday Night Live as Entre P Newer. Now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live show ad free new episodes and original shows like CBB Presents Scott hasn't seen and Entre P's Entrepreneur tour. Now, if you're a big Italiano Jones fan, you can also order the Italiano Jones action figure along with the Entre Pinure action [e-mail] collections.com and we also have all the other great Comedy Bang Bang action figures. Carissa, Randy Snuts. You can even get, should you be so inclined, an action figure of me and do whatever you want with it. I don't really care. Just don't tell me about what you're doing with it. You can also go to action figureseller.com for international purchase is purchases rather. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus Bang.

[B]

Bang Bang Bang.

[A]

Bros before hoes. Except after C. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Alan P. Williams for that wonderful catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. And what a week it is. Let me just tell you what we have on tap this week. This is Medical Police week. That's right. Two episodes with the stars and cre. Well, I don't even know if that's his title, but at least a producer on it of Medical Police, the hot new Netflix content. We will be having a bonus episode this week with the stars. But before we get to that, we have an episode today that you're listening to right now with I don't even know if he's the creator. We'll cover all of this coming up, but a little bit later, we have a small business owner and we also have a lawyer we'll be talking to. But I hyped him so hard just moments ago. He I believe he's the creator of this show, but I could be very wrong. All evidence points to him being some sort of executive producer of the show, but I could be way off base. By gum, I think he might have directed an episode or two, but he might be too busy for that. But welcome him back to the show. It's another episode of Wayne Scotting. That's right, David Wayne is back on the show. Hello, David Scott.

[C]

It's great to be here.

[A]

I know.

[C]

I'm telling you, the hype that you lay down before I come on makes me feel like I'm in a zone of acceptance by your audience. That is so high. Like I could be okay.

[A]

This bubble extends outward to our entire audience and they are just welcoming you. It's almost like a warm embrace. It's like a tender, loving hug, which I know we're not supposed to do in Hollywood these days. But I think that that's what we should do, right? You and me.

[C]

But I don't want to break Hollywood's rules.

[A]

Come on, just hug me.

[C]

I think maybe in a year it'll be cool.

[A]

No, come here.

[C]

Oh, God. I forgot how good you are at hugging.

[A]

There we are.

[C]

Now I remember.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Speaking of memory, I have to tell you, Great segue. We were sitting here in the. Just to get. I'd like to give your audience a little slice if I could, and I think they would appreciate it, so I'm gonna do it.

[A]

Look, when I go to New York, I get a slice. Why shouldn't you give our audience a slice? Am I right?

[C]

This is what I'm telling. Now, that's the thing. Anyway, we come into the studio to do the show, and what people don't know, maybe who listen to the podcast but aren't part of the inner circle.

[A]

Yeah, the inner sanctum.

[C]

You show up at the. At where the studio is a prescribed.

[A]

Time and a prescribed place. Certainly those two elements are there.

[C]

Without the time and place, there's no way I would have been here right now.

[A]

How would you have even have known?

[C]

And you come in and you're sitting at this. It's a table with microphones. People have probably seen photos of it. If you're a fan of the show.

[A]

If you're a fan of the show, you may have been on some website. Website that has shown a single photograph, if not two.

[C]

Or maybe you've been on the show. If you've also. If you're also on the show.

[A]

Sure. Yes. Open door policy. If you just started listening to the show with the best of. We have an open door policy here. Anyone can come in and be on.

[C]

The show, but you can come into this. This environment. Maybe you've had a bad day, maybe you're tired. I, for example, have a very, very bad flu and a high.

[A]

The influenza.

[C]

Yeah. And I also have a. A heart. A heart.

[A]

You're having a heart attack.

[C]

I'm having a heart attack.

[A]

You're having a heart attack right now.

[C]

I had it probably 20 minutes ago.

[A]

Do we need to call someone or do we.

[C]

No, there's an ambulance outside. I asked them to stop because I had the appointment to do the show.

[A]

Do they charge you more while they. While you keep them waiting?

[C]

I don't know that I get the bill because it's always so much later. And then I always usually have my lawyer look at it.

[A]

Oh, and you skipped out.

[C]

Yeah. And I Say, give it to my publicist and all that.

[A]

Oh, okay. The whole runaround. So I'm sorry. So are you. Are you in pain at all?

[C]

Yeah, a lot of pain. Oh, they're. They're rushing me to the hospital to see what's going on.

[A]

They're rushing you after you do a leisurely hour plus podcast?

[C]

Well, we're. We're mid rush. I had to just stop here because I.

[A]

You came from another place.

[C]

I made it to the show. It matters to me. It.

[A]

Where were you when you had this matter. Heart attack?

[C]

I was at a pizza. A pizzeria.

[A]

Oh, wait, this wasn't in New York City, was it?

[C]

It was Brooklyn Pizza.

[A]

What? So you were going. You had the ambulance drive you all the way from New York?

[C]

Well, they said, where do you live? I said, I live in Los Angeles. And they're like, okay, we'll get you to your local hospital.

[B]

What?

[C]

Yeah. And so they drove me.

[A]

But the heart attack started 20 minutes ago.

[C]

Yes. They have a.

[A]

What did you call the ambulance for originally?

[C]

You know, it's the Concord ambulance.

[A]

Oh, just like Phil Collins took. Yes, exactly.

[C]

For Live Aid. Everyone knows.

[A]

Everyone knows that reference.

[C]

So the point that I'm getting to.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Is that you're here as obviously, based on what we just got. I'm a little distracted with the. My. But I hear that theme music.

[A]

Comedy Bang Bang Reggie Watts.

[C]

Comedy Bang Bang Reggie Watts. That sound is unmistakable.

[A]

It is. Definitely. If you were to hear that song, you would say. Unless you've never heard the song before, you would say, that is the theme song to Comedy Bang Bang.

[C]

Exactly. And so then suddenly, whatever else I'm thinking about, I don't care. I'm here. It's the.

[A]

You're sweating a lot.

[C]

It's a moment.

[A]

You are pale. You look at death's door.

[C]

Yep. But you play that music and I feel like I'm in.

[A]

You don't look like you're in. You should not be doing what you're doing.

[C]

But I feel it because of the music.

[A]

All right. Welcome, David Wayne.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Let's talk about medical police. Let's tick off all the boxes of. If I were to go onto the Internet movie database.com. were I to traverse the web onto that particular website.

[C]

I didn't know that IMDb has a website now. That's awesome.

[A]

They originally started as word of mouth.

[C]

Did they? Well, I'd love to check it out. If you could give me the URL, I'm gonna.

[A]

I believe it's Internet movie database.com I got it. If you were to go over there and check out your particular page, which I would imagine it's hard to get there without using the search function first because I would imagine it's like internetmoviedatabase.com search percentage mark 68592 David Wayne. Something to that effect.

[C]

Perhaps you could put that info in the notes for the podcast listeners so they can have a.

[A]

So they can look at one picture of this studio without us in it. And then.

[C]

And check out my IMDb, your IMDb page.

[A]

But were I to go there, what duties could I say that you performed upon this wonderful piece of content?

[C]

This is screaming Medical Police starting Friday on Netflix.

[A]

Well, of course it's already up, my dear boy.

[C]

In the old days they used to call it a television show. Yes, we call it a piece of streaming content. Product.

[A]

It's a real pos streaming content, is it not?

[C]

I am one of the four co creators of this show.

[A]

Bravo.

[C]

I am one of the two directors.

[A]

Bravo.

[C]

Of the ten episode.

[A]

Who's that other director? Is it Marty?

[C]

It's a great guy named Bill Benz who you've perhaps crossed paths with over the years.

[A]

I don't believe I've ever crossed paths with him and I hope I never.

[D]

Do.

[C]

In this case. You'd be smart not to. Yes, and I have a small cameo role, but I also am one of the writers of the show.

[A]

Of course, a small cameo role. Are you portraying the part that you played in. Now this is a spinoff of Children's Hospital or an ersatz spinoff universe with the same characters and the same people.

[C]

And the same sequel of sorts to the saga.

[A]

But you don't have the rights to it. So you can't say it's a real.

[C]

You do have the rights to it. It is really. It is literally the.

[A]

So you're not some sort of scofflaw here with the rights to Children's Hospital.

[C]

You're going to go. You're $50 words. All I'm going to say is this is a continuation of Children's Hospital, the Adult Swim Emmy award winning seven season thing that we did. Yeah, I was going to say a better word like juggernaut.

[A]

Jug. Juggernaut. Or juggernaut. And I love how you're taking a sip of your tea as if you scored so hard with Juggernaut that you have to wait for the applause to. To die down.

[C]

Everyone take that one in. I said juggernaut. Just let it, let it lie. Let it land. No. So yes, let me. I Do need to. I want. I need not.

[A]

You need to get this out.

[C]

You and the other people should know this. If you ever heard of or saw Children's Hospital, this is the continuation of that. But if you haven't, it doesn't matter. It's a new thing. It's a half hour action comedy, crazy, incredible series on Netflix.

[A]

You have to check your notes there as to what it was on.

[C]

Well, there's. We had different ideas. Was it going to be on pbs? Was it going to be on Netflix?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Was it going to follow the McNeil.

[C]

Lehrer News Hour just to tell you some of the cast people on the show.

[A]

And I'll tell you if we're having any of these people on the show for what we're dubbing Medical Police Week here at Comedy Bang Bang.

[C]

And also President Trump has said it's Medical Police Week.

[A]

That's right. Nationwide. Yes.

[C]

And he's gonna take off all of next week.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

In honor of Medical Police.

[A]

Oh, how nice of him.

[C]

Okay, we have Aaron Hayes and Rob Huebel.

[A]

Those two are gonna be on this show. Would you believe it if I told you that?

[C]

And you're lucky for it. Cause they're fabulous.

[A]

Yes. Let me ask you, because I don't believe I can ask them this. Why just them? Was it sort of like let's get rid of all the troublemakers on Children's Hospital?

[C]

Well, then, get rid of the troublemakers.

[A]

What?

[C]

They're still surrounded by the original cast. Lake Bell, Marlon Ackerman, Ken Marino, Brian Huskey, Beth Dover, Rob Cordry. Rob Cordry.

[A]

But surely not on every episode.

[C]

Henry Winkler, Zandi Hardik, they're all there. Not on every episode.

[A]

See, this is what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. New story. Oh, come on in here, Rob. Can you shoot something for 15 minutes?

[C]

Rob Cordry was also one of the co creators because he was the creator of Children's Hospital.

[A]

The devil you say.

[C]

And so we, the same team, brought into this new series. Bigger, Better, Crazier. It takes place in like 15 different countries.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

It's like a globetrotting Mission Impossible.

[A]

How many countries did you actually shoot it in?

[C]

We shot it in two countries. Actually. We shot in Croatia. Oh, and in Los Angeles. But the story takes place in Germany, Brazil, New Hampshire, Italy, Sudan, Georgia, France, Denmark, Florida, Latvia, California, Bhutan. In China.

[A]

Wow, this is incredible. And so many places to put into that final draft.

[C]

That was the best part, was typing the things into final draft.

[A]

And then also we had another type into final draft.

[C]

And then you Type it. You copy out paste from final draft into the editing software. And the letters go on screen. It says Bhutan and.

[A]

Oh, that's so thrilling. And there's a little chiron down at the bottom of the screen. It just says Bhutan.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then suddenly you're in Bhutan.

[C]

If you're curious about this, it's www.netflix.com. and then find medical police.

[A]

And then look up Bhutan as well.

[C]

And look up Bhutan as well.

[A]

Just go to google.com and then enter Bhutan.

[C]

By the way, it's not just the original cast of Children's Hospital.

[A]

What we.

[C]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Are you reading a press release?

[C]

I'm not. I'm just. This is just something that I'm thinking about. If I. Let me just say this. If I had nothing to do with this show and you were my own brother, I would give you the same advice.

[A]

You would still bug me to come on the show to promote this?

[C]

I would. I absolutely would.

[A]

Cause I'm at 6:00 clock at night. The latest we've ever done a show.

[C]

Because I'm a fan of the product. I use it myself.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

You're also a member.

[C]

So much so I bought the company. Can I tell you, Jason Schwartzman is one of the main characters.

[A]

What. What a delightful man.

[C]

Fred Melamed. Soryu Blue. We've. I mean, it's like, start.

[A]

Start talking about people people care about.

[C]

Though, if you don't.

[A]

Fred Melman.

[C]

Fred Melmed.

[A]

Melmed.

[C]

You know him from.

[A]

I'm sure I do, but who gives a shit? Come on, give me the big stars.

[C]

Well, I told you, I believe.

[A]

Yeah, you already told. Yeah, yeah, you told me the people. Yeah, but then you were like Henry.

[C]

Winkler, he just won an Emmy.

[A]

But these are all the people who used to be on the show. Then you were like. Not only that, but we have Fred Melmond. I mean, Fred Melmud's great, don't get me wrong. But like, it's quit.

[C]

Jason Schwartzman.

[A]

Okay, stop it. Jason Schwartzman.

[C]

How about Tom Cruise?

[A]

Holy shit. Tom Cruise is in this.

[C]

How about Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio? Now you feel bad.

[D]

Whoa.

[C]

Now you feel like shit, don't you?

[A]

I feel. I'm sorry.

[C]

Leave.

[A]

You want me to go?

[C]

I'll take over. All right. This is comedy. Bang bang. Oh, shit. Come back. Please come back.

[A]

Okay, I'm back. Okay. I knew you couldn't do it.

[C]

Oh, my God, I choked.

[A]

Can I ask you a real question about this show?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Why is it not called DRPD?

[C]

DRPD?

[A]

Dr. PD Medical Police.

[C]

Because we assume the Internet will take up that mantle.

[A]

Oh, okay. You think?

[C]

We want them to feel like it's organic.

[A]

Okay, great.

[C]

When they do.

[A]

But you're gonna start planting this in little places.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I wondered why you asked me to ask you this.

[C]

Right. What I do is I go to ski places, and then I, like, pee in the snow. Drpd. And then people are like, oh, that's organic. But it's. That does remind me of medical. Please.

[A]

It truly is. It's the definition of organic, I believe pee is organic, is it not? I could look it up, but why bother?

[C]

Well, let's bother.

[A]

All right. Let's look it up. All right. Let's ask Siri. Siri, is pee organic?

[B]

Here's what I found.

[A]

She doesn't say anything, by the way, anymore. She just says, here's what I found. I want her to tell me.

[C]

I think what she meant is, this is what I have found. Yes.

[A]

You know what? Urine is a liquid byproduct of metabolism in humans and in many animals. So there's your answer. Right.

[C]

You know, I'm. I know I'm not a vegetarian, but. I'm vegetarian.

[A]

Ish. Okay.

[C]

Like, I'll eat chicken and fish.

[A]

Sure. And beef and pork and.

[C]

But not every. Most every day.

[A]

I mean, three times a day. Maybe three.

[C]

Three times.

[A]

But not for fourth meal sometimes.

[C]

Well, fourth meal or snack. Which is it?

[A]

Okay. All right. David, I don't know. That's the Fred Melmid of jokes. You should have just stopped a little bit earlier.

[C]

He's a great actor.

[A]

No, he's wonderful, but I don't know why you got to bring him in here.

[C]

I wanted to bring him into it.

[A]

Okay, so this is. By the way, this is out. Already on. It just came out on Friday.

[C]

Yes. And it has already been certified a hit.

[A]

It is certified fresh. You're hoping to get reviews. Nothing gets reviewed anymore. Have you noticed that you put out a TV show and people are like, oh, that might have come out, but nothing ever. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Well, since we are one of seven or eight, new series debuted on Netflix on Friday.

[A]

Debut. That's a hard word to say, isn't it?

[C]

Debut.

[A]

It is a hard word to say, and yet we have to say it all the time because we have so much stuff coming out.

[C]

Especially because when you say debuted, it's spelled debuted.

[A]

Debuted. Das Boot.

[C]

And I wish they would just say it debuted.

[A]

David, what else do you have on the horizon? If we can talk about the horizon, are you comfortable with the that subject matter or right now?

[C]

We have in the hopper this thing, the ad Miles and I making a daily sitcom.

[A]

Yes, I talked to him about this. It sounds fascinating, but have you announced it? Is it.

[C]

It's in the pilot phase.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

People who read the trades know that.

[A]

This is an exciting phase when the possibilities are endless. It could either be made or not be made.

[C]

Yeah, but it's not worth.

[A]

Most likely not be made.

[C]

It's possible no one will ever see it.

[A]

Sure. Well, that's wonderful. But let's check out what you can see, which is Medical, which is currently on Netflix. You can see it right now. We will also be talking to look. The real heroes of Medical Police. Two of its stars, Rob and Aaron. We'll be talking to them a little bit later this week. But David, can you pause mid heart attack? Are you okay to welcome another guest onto the show?

[C]

I'd love to stick around and see what happens.

[A]

Okay, great. Our next guest is a small business owner and they have been on the show before. Oh, yes. Please welcome back to the show Entrepeneur.

[B]

How you doing, Scott?

[A]

I'm doing really well. How are you?

[B]

I'm all right. A little perturbed.

[A]

This is David Wayne, by the way.

[B]

Hi, David.

[C]

Nice to see you, David. Lil Wayne, entrepreneur.

[B]

Has anyone ever called you that?

[A]

David Lil Wayne.

[C]

I love it. Can that be my new moniker?

[B]

Yes. Do you rap?

[C]

Of course.

[A]

Do you have a little penis?

[C]

I got a little penis.

[A]

Scott, have you seen offering you suggestions of the subject matter? Have I seen Lil Wayne's dick? I'm presuming.

[B]

Why would you call alert the press.

[A]

Why would you call yourself Lil anything unless you had a little dick and you were proud of it.

[B]

Maybe it's a statue thing.

[A]

Lil Bow wow, little dick.

[B]

You've seen all these dicks?

[C]

Well, you saw my dick in the locker room before we started recording.

[A]

That's right. We have a locker room here where we all shower before the show and we change and a lot of times we take a steam and sometimes we'll be doing the show just in towels. Today we're wearing. You're branded by Nike. I can tell. You have the swoosh everywhere.

[B]

Scott's wearing a robe, but his dick is poking out.

[A]

Look, that's. Look, I know that with Weinstein and all that he's finally on trial, but give me something I can't change that quickly.

[B]

That's okay, Scott. I'm not holding it against you. Just want your listeners to know how you work.

[A]

I'd like to hold it against you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

How are you, Andre?

[C]

Ouch.

[B]

Okay. Do you, Scott?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I'm not interested in relations.

[A]

You're not? You said you had a bone to pick with me. Speaking of bones.

[B]

Bones. Another bone, a different bone.

[A]

Speaking of David Borean.

[B]

A different bone to pick. I don't think you want your bone picked.

[A]

Do you think David Boreana's. Anyone ever on the set of bones?

[B]

Oh, yes. From bones.

[A]

Anyone ever went up to him and said, I got a bone to pick with you? And then they laughed and they. High five. David. Take this one.

[C]

I thought that was your new nickname for me, David Boreanis.

[B]

Four moments there, I did.

[A]

As David Borean, Wayanis.

[C]

Hey, wait a minute.

[B]

This is your chance.

[A]

Too close to comfort.

[C]

I'm the one with the small date.

[A]

Oops. Oh, no. Hi, Andre.

[B]

Hi. You know, Scott, my bone to pick with you that. You called me a small business owner. I'm not a business owner. I'm an inventor.

[A]

You are an inventor.

[B]

I'm sorry, I have no ideas.

[A]

I'm sorry. You have never. You don't have a small business where you have the capital in order to make these.

[B]

I'm seeking capital.

[A]

You need the capital. And David Wayne, by the way, a lot of passive income from his various projects.

[C]

I do a lot of seeding, financial seed money that I put in escrow until.

[A]

Yeah, you basically, like, plant a few seeds, watch these babies grow.

[C]

But if you have something to pitch, I'd be willing to put in a couple million dollars to hear the pitch.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Just to hear the pitch.

[B]

Just to hear the pitch.

[C]

I have lost a lot of money this month.

[B]

I typically accept Bitcoin, but I will take a couple million. I will take a couple million and a couple. We're talking to.

[C]

It's gonna take me just a little bit to put together the cash. That's a lot of money.

[A]

You have a lot of. You have, like we mentioned, passive income, but you're not really entirely living.

[B]

I want aggressive income.

[C]

Okay. I don't know that I'm that liquid. I do. I have hobbies, but go on.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Now, entre. I should warn you, David, that entre's been on the show before.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And entre tends to.

[B]

Why does that require warning?

[A]

What did you just say?

[B]

Why does that require warning?

[C]

Consider myself horned.

[A]

You are a horn.

[B]

Why do you feel you need to warn him?

[A]

Well, I just. Your ideas have never borne fruit necessarily into.

[B]

Have you borne fruit?

[A]

I don't know exactly what you're talking about.

[B]

Well, I Don't know what you're talking about.

[A]

You wouldn't understand. Do you want me to part this rope?

[C]

If you were a woman, you wouldn't know what it is to bore fruit.

[B]

And just to be clear, David Wayne, I'm not a woman.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

There's a bit of discrepancy in our memories about that. About whether you're a woman.

[B]

I believe, if I'm not mistaken, I believe I am a man.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And my belief is that may not have been established, you know.

[B]

Well, Scott, consider it established.

[A]

But for 20.

[B]

20. 2020. It's a new decade.

[A]

Entrepreneur is a gentleman who has come in here and has pitched us various things. And the one problem that I would say entre is that you tend to pitch things.

[B]

You're a hater.

[A]

It's not that I'm any.

[B]

Aside from that problem, what else you tend to pitch?

[A]

Well, I don't even want to spoil it because I want David to just have a fresh. Fresh ear.

[C]

Fresh or else shrouds my judgment.

[B]

Fresh pitch for you, David. Lil White. Okay, so I'm thinking of something I'd like. Your $2 million. What it is, is something that is rectangular in shape.

[C]

Okay, wait. Okay, I'm with you so far. So far I'm picturing it.

[A]

Is it two dimensional or are we talking three dimensional?

[B]

Depends on how you. Depends on the version you want. Okay, okay, okay. Rectangular in shape and then there's another rectangular shape underneath of it.

[C]

I might think the 2D version just not to jump ahead, but. I'm liking the but.

[A]

Go on. But you're imagining the 2D version of this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, great. So it's rectangular.

[B]

Two rectangles within a rectangle stacked on each other. Kind of like a cake your mother might bake you. Hers would be circular. These would be rectangulars.

[A]

Although they do make rectangular cake pans.

[C]

I have seen rectangular cakes, but not usually where, you know, everywhere.

[B]

Sheet cakes where all cakes. Shit cakes.

[A]

Do you have an issue with sheet cakes?

[B]

Shit cakes?

[C]

No, my shit cakes usually come out more cylindrical.

[B]

Shit cakes is. I know what shit cakes is. I have a friend who dealt with someone who was suffering from shitcakes.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

That person had trouble wiping after pooping trouble.

[A]

So trouble with a capital T. That rhymes with P. Okay.

[B]

Poop.

[A]

That stands for poo poop.

[B]

Well, listen, Scott, you're confusing me here, okay? Look, shit cakes is actually a serious illness.

[A]

I don't mean to make light of whatever.

[B]

Trouble wiping the excretion.

[A]

I don't know why you're talking about your friend, as if they're here in the room.

[B]

Well, I mean, I just. I just want to stand for something. Because if you don't stand for something, you will fall. You will fall for most other things.

[A]

Other things? Yes. So you're thinking of two rectangles.

[B]

Two rectangles stacked upon each other. You would sleep on these rectangles.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

They might have springs inside, depending on the version you order.

[C]

Oh, oh, okay.

[B]

This go with me here.

[A]

I know it can be two dimensional rectangles that you're sleeping, depending on how you want.

[B]

I will say the two dimensional is cheaper than the three dimensional.

[A]

I think you're talking about a sheet of paper when you're thinking of two dimensional.

[C]

Well, even that has dimensions.

[A]

Oh, my goodness, it's a heart attack.

[B]

Oh, he's got cakes here. Oh, now he's got cakes.

[C]

And I'm having cakes.

[A]

Okay. Shit. Cakes on top of a heart attack.

[C]

Is everyone here? Do you mind if I wipe?

[A]

Yeah, go ahead.

[B]

I don't mind if you.

[A]

I would prefer we had a wiping expert in here a few months back who could have talked you through this process.

[C]

Listen. Oh, I take a lot of pitches for a lot of business ideas and I'm just going to stop you here just to ask a question and don't be offended.

[B]

Can you please get your hand off my shoulder? You wiped with that one. You didn't wash it.

[C]

All right, here's my other hand. Okay, it sounds like you're maybe talking about a mattress.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

Can I just say, David, Andre's problem is he comes in here and he pitches things that already exist.

[C]

Oh, I see. So it does sound like the pitch was for a math.

[B]

Let me be perfectly clear. Scott claims they've existed. I've never seen them. I've never seen any of the things.

[A]

Then why would you think that it was rectangle?

[B]

And what, because it's a new idea. It could be any shape, but I chose rectangle.

[C]

Well, I'm gonna say this. I have in my home something very similar to what you described. It is a mattress. I laid down on it last night and after about an hour of reading and a little tv.

[A]

What were you reading, by the way? You seem like a smart guy. Was it the paper of record?

[C]

Yes, Instagram. And I have this thing, and as I said last night, I was in there, I'm laying down, and after a while the lights are out and I was unconscious.

[A]

Out.

[B]

Like a light.

[A]

Like that light that you were just talking about.

[D]

Light?

[C]

Yes, like a light. Yes, like A light.

[B]

I'm referencing a song I just heard today called Sicko Mode.

[A]

Oh, Sicko Mode by Travis Scott. Travis Dollar Sign Cot.

[B]

Exactly. Yes. Travis Dollar Sign Cot. Featuring Aubrey Graham.

[C]

Yes, yes. Aubrey Graham.

[A]

Aubrey Graham. Of course. Son of Billy Graham of the pastor. Yeah.

[B]

Are you gonna Invest or not?

[C]

Mr. Wendy, I cannot commit to investing, but I will give you the 2 million dol listening to the pitch because I promised I would.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

This is huge for me. This is huge.

[C]

But I do have a question and I have to throw it your way.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Is it gonna be a check that I'm gonna need to write? Or is.

[A]

Or do you have a cashier's check?

[C]

Or is it a cashier's check? Or can I give you. Will you take a traveler's check?

[B]

I've never really had money before, so I'm not sure how to accept. And also, this feels wrong to me. The more I think about it. I shouldn't accept money for an invention he's not gonna take home.

[A]

And one that he has to ostensibly already has.

[B]

Right?

[C]

I am writing you right now.

[B]

I don't want it. I don't want it. I'm a person of integrity. I don't want it. If. If you're not interested in. I don't want handouts.

[C]

Thanks for meeting with me. Then think about it as that. And you can use it for whatever you want, no strings attached.

[B]

And you know what I want to do with it? Rip it the hell up.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you know what?

[A]

I'm a person who's $2 million.

[B]

I'm a person of integrity. Scott, I've got another invention for you. Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Maybe you'll be interested in this one.

[A]

Let me ask. Is it a rectangular thing that you write like a promise of money on?

[B]

You know what, Scott? You're wrong. And you're going to hell.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And you heard it here first.

[C]

You always will. The Bible says that you will go to hell if you misguess what the pitch is.

[B]

That's exactly what my Bible says.

[A]

And that you'll hear it not from God. But that's what I'm from. Andre Fox.

[B]

Do you know who wrote my Bible?

[A]

Who wrote your Bible?

[B]

Nicholas Cannon.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yes. Nicholas Cannon.

[A]

From Drumline.

[B]

From Drumline. And Masked Singer.

[A]

From Drumline to Masked Singer. The Nicholas Cannon story.

[B]

Exactly. That is my bible.

[A]

Everything in between.

[B]

Listen, I don't think you've ever read the book.

[A]

Okay, what are you pitching?

[B]

It's something rectangular. Base. The base. Excuse me. Hear me out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Everything's a bit of a rectangle.

[A]

Well, you seem to focus primarily, if I may be so bold, on rectangular things, because I think when you pitched us a hospital. Sure. It was basically a rectangle.

[B]

Was it a rectangle?

[A]

I think it was.

[C]

No offense, Scott. A lot of things are rectangular.

[A]

Thank you very much.

[B]

Thank you very much.

[C]

No offense.

[B]

Many things are born of a rectangle. Many things are born of a rectangle. Rectangular base.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's gonna be connected to the ground. Okay. Or maybe do some molding around it. Connected to the ground. And then another rectangle. Upright. On another side. Connected.

[C]

An upside down tea. I'm just sketching this out.

[B]

Exactly. Exactly. Then we're gonna go.

[A]

It's sort of like the Titans Tower from the Teen Titans, but upside down, right?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Or Mr. T without the Mr. And upside down.

[A]

Sure. Do you know that Mr. T cereal. I was talking about this with a previous guest.

[C]

Oh, yeah. That ongoing episodic story about Mr. T. No, no.

[A]

Breakfast cereal. Oh, dear.

[C]

Okay, got it.

[A]

How disappointed did you ever eat any of it?

[C]

Every morning.

[A]

How disappointed were you when you open it up and it's just cereal in the shape of a T and it's not cereal in the shape of Mr. T. Oh, right. You buy it expecting it's gonna be him with the Mohawk and everything. And then it's just. It's just teas.

[C]

I probably have three, four bowls of that every morning, and I never know.

[A]

You never look down at it. No.

[B]

That could be something.

[C]

Because I eat before I turn the lights on. I always forget to order.

[A]

Oh, you and your lights. The ones that went out the night before.

[C]

Like a light.

[B]

Okay. Travis Cott.

[A]

So you're not Travis Dollar Sign Cott.

[C]

So I'm liking this pitch so far.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Two rectangles.

[B]

Also throw it out there. Like an upside down timeout sign on a sports field. Right.

[A]

Okay. So you know what a sports field is?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Come on, you know the rules.

[B]

So that there's a time of Idiot.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm not a stupid.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The top of it is an oval. A top of the upside down.

[A]

You're so focused on shapes.

[B]

What do you have against shapes? Well, I'm trying to figure out what shape.

[A]

It's a rectangle, and then another rectangle, then an oval.

[C]

Well, we have an upside down T.

[B]

And the top of the oval is kind of. The oval is kind of on. Is not upright, per se. It's on its side.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Sort of like the basis. Anyway.

[A]

Are you pitching the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

[B]

No, no, Scott. No, I would never. That exists already. Why would I pitch that?

[C]

This is a basketball hoop.

[B]

No, you're gonna sit on top of it and let your dookie out. Let your pee. Pee out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then there's.

[A]

Gonna. Now I see.

[B]

Let your.

[A]

Why do all the talk about rectangles when you're pitching a toilet?

[B]

I don't have a name for it. Scott, thank you. That's brilliant. I love it. Toilet. It exists. Never have a toilet. It exists already. Never heard of it. Never heard of it.

[A]

You don't use a toilet.

[B]

Never heard of it.

[A]

What do you use to do?

[B]

What?

[A]

What you just said the dookies.

[B]

To dookies. When I dookies to dookies, I do it right where I am, wherever I find myself.

[A]

Wherever you lay your hat.

[B]

Wherever I lay my hat is your home. Yes.

[C]

Which is never near a toilet.

[B]

I don't know what that is. If y' all want to call it a toilet.

[A]

What is your house like? You don't have a mattress. You don't have a toilet. Where do you live?

[B]

Where do I live? With my mother. Well, she.

[C]

Well, that explains it.

[A]

That explains it. She's dead.

[B]

I don't own a home. She's dead.

[A]

She's dead, but she still lives there?

[B]

No, I just call it her house, but.

[A]

So you know what a house is? Cause I think you pitched me those ones.

[B]

Is that what that's called?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. I love the sound of it. I love to see it.

[A]

What kind of house doesn't have a toilet? I mean, I understand not having a bed.

[B]

I've never seen one of those before, personally.

[A]

David just drew one.

[C]

I can tell you.

[B]

David drew.

[C]

A birdhouse.

[A]

Thank you, David. You're right. You're right. A birdhouse doesn't have a toilet.

[B]

David drew what looks like a vanity mirror.

[A]

So you know what a vanity mirror is.

[B]

Why is that so alarming to you, Scott, what is in your bathroom?

[A]

A vanity. And that's it. I'm saying, what about sink?

[B]

A vanity and a cup and a sink. One sink.

[A]

So you know what sinks are?

[B]

Sure, yes.

[A]

So you know what plumbing is?

[B]

What is. No, why do you have to complicate things?

[A]

Where does the water go in your sink?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Do you know? It just disappears.

[B]

Where does your water go in your sink, Scott. Where exactly does it end up? Scott, go. You have two seconds.

[A]

In the Pacific Ocean.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[C]

All I know is if someone said to me, describe a toilet, I would say an upside down T with an.

[B]

Oval on top If y' all think it should be called a toilet, I'm happy to give you. You 50% equity in this idea. Should it get.

[C]

No, I need sweat equity.

[A]

Yeah, I definitely need sweat equity.

[B]

Sweat quiddy.

[C]

Yeah. I also need money into. In subordinated funds. In. In escrow.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I'm with David on all this.

[B]

Oh, sure. What if I said sure?

[C]

Okay. Sign the long form.

[B]

Okay. Where's.

[A]

In triplicate.

[C]

It's right here.

[B]

In triplicate.

[C]

Here it is.

[B]

Okay. I'm happy to sign it.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

All right. Thank you. Just sign it there.

[B]

All right. Great.

[A]

There.

[B]

Great.

[A]

Okay. Sorry. Initial here.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Initial here.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Initial there.

[B]

Can't you just copy. Copy these?

[A]

Sorry. No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

This is what it is. If you want to be an inventor, this is what it takes.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

Initial here.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Initial here.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Sir, we are in business.

[A]

So we have.

[C]

Thank you for signing the long form. I didn't think you would really do it.

[B]

Done, done and done.

[A]

Let's all shake hands.

[B]

Done. I would not. Your hand is sweaty and he has shit on it.

[C]

His.

[B]

On his shaking hand.

[C]

That is true.

[D]

He.

[A]

His is sweaty, too.

[B]

I'm not worried about this. I think Trump sweat.

[C]

Let me check that.

[B]

Trump's sweat at all times. I get that on a t shirt.

[A]

2020. Shit. TRUMP Shrimp Sweat. Shrimp Siri does shrimp trump sweat? Shrimp.

[C]

Shrimp slop. Sweat.

[B]

Here's what I found.

[A]

Oh, here's what I found. I just want you to say it.

[B]

She won't say it.

[C]

Investigating and dying. Documented.

[B]

Say it. Try telling her to say it. Say Siri. Siri.

[A]

Does shrimp trump sweat and say it.

[B]

She doesn't. That's what I found.

[A]

She won't say.

[B]

She doesn't respect you.

[A]

She doesn't respect me.

[B]

She doesn't respect Scott. How does it feel to live with an assistant that doesn't respect you?

[A]

I don't necessarily live with Siri, although I guess I do.

[B]

She doesn't come home with you every single day.

[A]

That's true. She's by my bed at night.

[C]

I live with my personal assistant, and she.

[B]

I like the sound of that.

[A]

I was trying to trick you.

[B]

I like the sound of.

[A]

Okay. You didn't fall for it.

[B]

I'm not involved.

[A]

All right, look, we need to take a break. All right? When we come back, we have a lawyer. Oh, we're. Maybe the lawyer's good.

[B]

Okay. But if we take a break, am I allowed to hook up with other people?

[A]

The friends rules apply.

[C]

I'd like a break.

[A]

You'd Like a break. All right, we were on a break. Here we go. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. The best B2B marketing gets wasted on the wrong people, right? I mean, I remember once I bought tickets for a Broadway show and for the next six months I kept getting ads for the show I'd already bought tickets to. I kept saying, I know, I know I was on the website, I know I visited the website, but I saw it already. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Well, LinkedIn has grown to a network of over 1 billion professionals. And that's where it stands apart from other ad buys. You can target your buyers by job title, industry, company role, seniority, skills, company revenue, all so many things. All the professionals you need to reach in one place. Stop wasting budget on the wrong audience and start targeting the right professionals only on LinkedIn ads. LinkedIn will even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. So you can try it yourself. Just go to LinkedIn.com bangbang that's LinkedIn.com Bang Bang. Terms and conditions apply only on LinkedIn ads. Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up, up, up at the gas pump, the grocery store rent. But you know what? At Metro, they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on Talk Text and 20% lower family plans also lowered. Oh, get this. You get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply. Details@metrobyt mobile.com this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Who do you go to in order to solve your problems, Your life problems. A lot of people don't want to hear about it, right? I mean, if it's your friends, you can just start dragging them down with all your problems like they're there to be friendly and have good times with you. Sometimes, I mean, sometimes they want to hear your problems. But enough already. I'm talking to my friends right now. Enough already. You know what, do you overshare with strangers? They don't want to hear about it. Definitely. Well, there's a difference between that Doing those things that people don't like and actually talking with a therapist. And that is where BetterHelp comes in. With clinically trained and licensed therapists, they've been around for over a decade. Sounds like around 11 years to me. Helped millions. And out of 1.7 million client reviews, they have a 4.9 rating. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire, and these things are so short, helps identify your needs and preferences. And if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. It's fully online and you can pause your subscription whenever, wherever you need to. With over 30,000 therapists. Sounds like like 30,001, maybe. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people. 5 million in one, globally. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of Expertise. Find the one with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Bang Bang. That is betterhelp.com Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here, another episode of Wayne Scotting currently in production. That is, of course, when David Wayne and myself get together, we always call it Wayne Scotting. Is that not true?

[C]

Yes, but my close friends, which I now consider you and call me Jimmy.

[A]

Oh, I'd never heard that before. So you just started considering me to be a close friend?

[C]

It's a common nickname for David.

[A]

Jimmy. I think Jimmy is short. It's like a nickname for James.

[C]

My friends call me Jimmy.

[A]

Jimmy?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Jimmy Wayne.

[C]

Jimmy two times.

[A]

Jimmy two times. Wait, I need to say Jimmy twice?

[C]

Has nothing to do with it.

[A]

So just Jimmy two times. I don't need to say Jimmy. Jimmy.

[C]

No. Yeah. It's not the words. It's T O O T I M Z.

[A]

Is that long for TMZ?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're Jimmy 2 TMZs.

[C]

Yeah, because I've been working for two different TMZ offices as an intern.

[A]

How many offices do they as an intern?

[C]

They have four offices and I've been working basically do runs between two of the offices.

[A]

Okay, Jimmy two Times. This is over here. And Medical Police currently on Netflix. You can watch the shit out of that, but don't watch all of them before you hear our enticing interview with two of the stars.

[C]

I gotta say, a buddy of mine, when he. When there's a whole set of episodes available on Netflix, he watched the Whole thing. He calls it binge binging. He's like, I'm gonna binge the whole thing. As if he's like, having a food binge. But it's with.

[B]

What are people gonna watch your show on?

[C]

I just.

[B]

I just realized. What are people gonna watch your show on?

[A]

Well, there's. There's this rectangle.

[B]

Yeah, Scott, that's what I'm thinking. Scott, do you want to go in business with me?

[C]

It's a rectangle with a PO Plug that goes in the wall.

[B]

I like that. I like that. And projects an image.

[A]

Yeah, it definitely projects an image.

[B]

It can be big or small. I don't do the science of it.

[A]

Yeah, you don't do any of the science.

[B]

No, I don't do the science. I hire people to do this.

[A]

This is entre P Newer, by the way, so called inventor. Although.

[B]

Scott, why do you bring me on your show to insult me?

[A]

I don't bring you on this show. You show up.

[B]

You begged me to come.

[A]

All right, I did.

[B]

Yeah. You begged me to come here. I said, scott, I don't know. It seems to always be contentious.

[A]

This, by the way, I want to do something called Purge watching.

[B]

What's Purge Watching.

[A]

I watch the Purge.

[B]

Just the Purge back to back.

[C]

I want to do something called Game of Thrones watching.

[A]

Whoa, that sounds pretty good.

[B]

I'd like to do why you're watching.

[A]

Oh. Why you were watching or why you're watching?

[B]

Why you haven't seen Wire. Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, you got. Oh, my God. You got to watch the Wire.

[B]

Best rectangular programs skip the first five seasons.

[A]

Although it was square. It was square, and then they turned it into rectangle.

[B]

Sure. Okay. I like this. We're evolving. Scott, do you want to invest in.

[A]

You watching the Wire in this rectangular.

[B]

Thing for his program? How are people gonna watch? I'm worried about you. I'll pay.

[A]

I'll pay you to watch the Wire, but that's as far as I go.

[B]

You'll pay me? How much?

[A]

I'll pay you a dollar. Per wire?

[B]

Per wire. And what is one Y equivalent to one wire?

[A]

I believe 10 episodes. Okay, that's not fair.

[C]

Now who's the one who's square?

[A]

All right, look, we need to get to our next guest. He is a lawyer. Please. Welcome to the show Italiano Jones.

[D]

Hello. Thank you for having me. My name is Italiano Jones, and I will fight for you.

[A]

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

[D]

I work with the law offices of Italiano Jones and Associates and other miscellaneous items.

[A]

Mm. Okay, that sounds great. What type of cases? By the way, this is Entrepreneur.

[B]

How you doing, young sir?

[D]

How are you? I am Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones in Services and Miscellaneous other Items.

[A]

And this is David wayne.

[D]

Hello, David of Wayne.

[A]

Scotty. Jimmy2TMZ.

[C]

It seems like your law firm changed its name in the last couple of minutes.

[D]

How dare you. My law offices never change their name. We will fight for you. I heard that you came here in an amalamps.

[C]

Yes, I did.

[D]

Would you like.

[B]

Did they. Can you spell amber lamps?

[D]

I will spell it for you. Absolutely. Amber lamps. A, M, B, U, L, A, N, C, E. Amulamps.

[A]

He's right. Whoa.

[D]

Black Betty Amalamps. I've got a law office job.

[C]

Sounds like I found my lawyer.

[A]

Would you not agree? An ambulance is a very rectangular vehicle?

[D]

Yes. They mostly are rectangles, but in Europe those exist.

[B]

Those exist?

[A]

You know about those? Yeah.

[D]

In Europe they are oblong.

[A]

Are they now?

[D]

Yes, I would know. I am from Italy.

[A]

You are?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

I wondered. Italiano Jones. Is that a nickname?

[B]

Why do you sound like you're from Chicago?

[D]

It is a feminine name name from Italy. I am from Italy.

[C]

What part of Italy are you from?

[D]

Tuscany.

[A]

And why is your family name your first name?

[D]

That's how we do things in Italy.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[C]

I wasn't aware of that. In other words, everyone in Italy is called Italiano something.

[B]

Can you spell?

[C]

Can you spell it?

[D]

I, T, A, L, Y. Italy.

[A]

What type of law do you practice? Italiano.

[D]

I practice all types of law. Do you have a case? Are you in any type of trouble? Have you been injured in an accident?

[B]

Accident?

[D]

Have you been injured in a self inflicted wound?

[A]

Self inflicted wound? Who am I going to sue if it's a self inflicted wound?

[D]

We can sue thousands of people. We can sue so many people.

[A]

Who do you sue? I guess the makers of the weapon that I use.

[D]

We can Smoot. We can sue Smith and Wesson. Leaka. Sue Just Weston. Cooking oil.

[B]

Italiano.

[D]

If you slipped on a bottle of Wesson cooking oil.

[A]

On the bottle itself, not the product.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And you shot yourself. How ironic would that be?

[D]

Think about this. You are holding a gun and you are also frying something in your kitchen.

[A]

Why would I be doing that?

[D]

You put the bottle on.

[A]

Am I trying to defend myself while I'm frying?

[D]

You live in a rough neighborhood.

[C]

Maybe you can't find a spoon and you've gotta stir with something.

[A]

Okay. You gotta stir with something.

[D]

You live in South Italy like me. I grew up in a rough Neighborhood.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

The streets was tough.

[A]

The pointy toe of that boot.

[D]

The pointy toe of the boot. Absolutely. The pointy heel of the boot.

[C]

Did you grow up with the Godfather?

[D]

I grew up with a Godfather. His name was Roy.

[A]

It's not Italiano.

[D]

No, my name is Italiano. It's a family name.

[B]

Italiano. You sound like Mike Tyson.

[D]

Estee Johnson and Wax. It's a family company.

[B]

You sound like Mike Tyson. You ever heard of Mike Tyson?

[D]

Mike Tyson? Yes. I love him.

[A]

Yeah? What do you love him for? I love what part of his career. Be careful now. What do you love?

[D]

You know, I represented him in a case.

[A]

Oh, no. Which one?

[D]

I will tell you.

[A]

Please. Do we have a deal?

[D]

He wants bought.

[C]

Just ask you to.

[D]

He once bought a tiger online.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

And when the box came, the tiger was not in it. It was just a skeleton.

[A]

Oh, no. Skeleton of a tiger or a human skeleton?

[D]

Human skeleton.

[A]

What? It gets weirder.

[D]

And so we went and found the company that sold him the. The tiger box.

[A]

Tiger box.

[D]

He got to keep the skeleton too.

[A]

Whose skeleton? Did you ever feel it's great you fought for him, but where did the human skeleton come from?

[D]

We do not know. We did not get that.

[A]

You gotta find that. This is the mystery.

[D]

We did not get that evidence. All we did was get him a real tiger. And he got to keep the human skeleton. And now it is up in his living room. And it wears a doctor's lab coat. I will fight for you.

[C]

Thanks to you.

[D]

Thanks to me. Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones Law, Miscellaneous services and items of law.

[A]

So he has a skeleton wearing a doctor's lab coat like he's in a vaudeville sketch?

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

We all love vaudeville. We go to watch vaudeville movies at Mike Tyson's house all the time.

[A]

You do, really?

[D]

We're his private theater. Oh, I'll tell you. We watch the Producers.

[A]

Well, you ever seen this entre the Producers? Yeah.

[B]

Never heard of it.

[D]

No, no, we watched the.

[A]

I guess I was talking about a movie theater.

[B]

Oh, a theater.

[A]

Yeah. You ever heard of that?

[B]

Describe it to me. Okay.

[C]

Rectangular thing in the front.

[B]

I follow.

[C]

And then there's a rectangular.

[A]

There's definitely rectangular things that you go through in order to get there.

[B]

I follow. Okay. And then what happens?

[A]

You sit down on what I could only describe as a couple of rectangles upside down.

[B]

Everybody knows what a chair is, you dumbass.

[D]

Have you been injured in. In a chair? Have you stood on top of a chair and tied a rope around your neck and jumped off? Well, I will fight for you.

[B]

I will be dead.

[C]

I want to sue this ambulance company that let me get out of the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

[D]

You want to sue the ambulance to do a podcast. What is the company called?

[C]

It's called. I think it's called Grand's Ambulance.

[D]

Oh, they have that same brand in Italy. Okay. I have sued them before, and I will sue them again because I will fight for you. I am here from the law office.

[A]

Yeah, we know where you're from.

[D]

It's Aliano Jones, but it's Daliano Jones.

[C]

What kind of money am I gonna get out of this?

[D]

I could get you thousands. I could get you hundreds. I could get you millions. How much money do you want? David Huang? Thousands. You want thousands?

[A]

You want the thousands instead of the millions? Yeah, just.

[C]

That's what I mean.

[A]

You. Don't be greedy, David Wayne.

[D]

All I need is the evidence.

[B]

I have an idea. I have an idea. If you. Maybe you and I could go into business together.

[D]

How dare you?

[C]

We're already in business together.

[B]

This is how I dare. Okay, so maybe you have people to sue. We could go to a place to have these kind of suings and trials.

[A]

All right. You know what a lawsuit is, but you don't know where they take place?

[B]

A lawsuit is a silk suit you wear to a rectangle.

[D]

I do all of my suings in one courtroom.

[A]

Which one?

[D]

The LA Municipal County Courtroom. Okay, well, how do you fly all my cases here?

[C]

That's a rectangular room. I've been there.

[A]

Yeah, very rectangular, regular. It's almost like y' all have been to this place.

[B]

It's called LA Municipal.

[A]

Six rectangles.

[D]

Six rectangles.

[B]

Six rectangles.

[C]

It's like the Olympic logo.

[B]

And then what? Okay, I understand. So some of them are stacked upon one another.

[D]

Have you ever been injured by the Olympic logo? Did one of them fall off the Olympics and hit you in the face?

[B]

That actually did happen.

[D]

I will fight for you.

[A]

That happened to you.

[C]

It did happen to me.

[B]

It did happen to me. I was hit by the red ring.

[D]

Was it Alberta? 1988. The Winter Olympics.

[B]

Yes. Yes, and Perfect. Perfect.

[D]

That is the only. That is the only Olympics I am allowed to preside.

[A]

You're not allowed to preside over any other Olympics. Why is that?

[D]

Well, I have been banned from all other Olympic residuals.

[C]

So you're allowed to sue though, that particular Olympics, especially if the logo falls on somebody.

[D]

Oh, also, Lake Placid, 1982.

[B]

Well, I was. I was. I'm looking for A quick check.

[C]

A little late for Lake Placid, but great.

[B]

I was.

[D]

Alberta, were you bitten by the big alligator in Lake Placid?

[B]

No.

[D]

There's a giant alligator who lives in Lake Placid. His name is Steve.

[A]

Steve.

[D]

If he bites you, I will fight for you.

[A]

How many people has Steve bitten?

[D]

Oh, Steve has bitten thousands of people.

[A]

Thousands.

[D]

Everybody who goes to Lake Placid to ice skate. And the ice is never hard enough. And they follow through.

[C]

But just for conflict of interest reasons, I have to ask, have you ever defended Steve?

[D]

I have never defended Steve in a court of law. I have, however, defended Steve to his mother when he came out.

[B]

Out of the closet?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

What did you say to Steve's mother? What a good friend you are.

[D]

She was very upset with Steve when he came out because she's a homophobe. And I said, she's.

[C]

They're both alligators, right?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And she said, what is your point, David? That alligators can't be homophobes? Well, now, wait a minute.

[C]

Don't get. Don't drag me into this.

[B]

Drag him, Scott. Drag him. Cancel him.

[D]

Drag him.

[A]

Sick.

[C]

I feel like all alligators can do what they please as long as they don't eat me.

[B]

Drag him.

[A]

So you think they can be homophobes? You want them to be homophobes.

[C]

Now, wait a second here. This is.

[B]

Somebody is about to get canceled.

[C]

Italiano. Can I sue Scott for entrapment?

[D]

You absolutely can.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Where are you gonna do the suing? Do it. I have a new space for you. A new space? It's a rectangle. I won't do six. Cause that is excessive. We only need one rectangle. You can enter in that rectangle. There'll be other rectangles.

[A]

Why would you need to enter if there's just one on the ground?

[B]

Well, it's gonna be sort of a three dimensional rectangle, which I have now learned, thanks to your wonderful listeners, is a cuboid.

[A]

Cuboid.

[D]

Cuboid.

[C]

All right, so cuboid.

[B]

Cuboid. Cuboid is cuboid. Oh, cuboid. Boyd, please get on your mark. Okay, so cuboid. Boyd. Anyway, we don't need to bother ourselves with Boyd. But it's a cue. Boyd. You'd enter inside. There will be a judge. Yes, I've heard of a judge. Scott, don't you dare start to ask. Ask me part of a judge.

[A]

Where do you think a judge usually works?

[B]

A judge usually works from home.

[A]

From home.

[B]

A judge works from.

[C]

Until your innovation, which you're in the middle of pitching.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Why Would a judge who gets to work from home.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Want to travel to another place? I would think that's one of the benefits of being a home based judge, Scott.

[B]

Most judges are unsuccessful. The legal system is going to in this country because of lack of Cuban cuboid rooms. Because there are not enough cuboid rooms in which to hold sue ins.

[A]

So you think the legal system is going to hell here?

[D]

The legal system is going to hell just like you, Scott.

[B]

According to hell. In a hand basket with gasoline drawers on.

[D]

Luckily.

[B]

Light them up.

[D]

I am friends with many judges.

[A]

Sis. You're friends with many jerseys.

[D]

I am friends with many judges.

[B]

Spell judges. Spell judges.

[D]

J, U, D, G, S. Do you.

[C]

Feel like the judge's problem is that they're all. All working from home? That's the problem with our legal system.

[D]

They all work from home.

[C]

I'm so sorry. Speaking of winning the suit, I've been meaning to announce this. There is going to be a suit that I'm going to be giving away to one of your lucky listeners.

[A]

You're giving away and you can win the suit. Meaning a dress suit?

[C]

Yeah, it's a three piece suit.

[A]

Three pieces felt. So we're talking vest, pants and jacket.

[C]

Pants, jacket.

[B]

Wipe me down.

[C]

It's a two button suit. Yeah, wipe it. She's already all wet over there.

[A]

He is. He is.

[B]

Come on, David, please stop misgendering me. In 2020, I said he will represent.

[D]

You the way I pronounce.

[B]

We going to court.

[C]

If any listeners do want to win the suit.

[A]

How. How do you. How do they get involved in this contest?

[C]

We're gonna. There's gonna be the fifth caller. We're taking right now at our 800 number.

[A]

We're taking calls right now? Yep. Okay. All right, let's. Let's go to the phones here. Caller, are you there? Hello? Hi, you're caller number one. Sorry. Click. All right, let's go to the phones. Hello, Fifth color. Hi, color. You're. Hey, you're color number two.

[B]

How cool.

[A]

You don't win. Bye. Collar. Are you there?

[C]

Dear mother. Your mother's a jerk.

[A]

My mother's a jerk. Well, fuck you. You're caller number three. You're caller number three. Click Caller, are you there?

[D]

I'm on the radio with T Pain.

[A]

No, T. Pain's not around. But you're only caller number four. You were so close. All right, bye. Click Caller, are you there?

[B]

91 1, what's your emergency?

[C]

Hey, this is caller number five.

[A]

Wait, I think the phone lines got crossed here.

[B]

911 what's your emergency?

[A]

We accidentally called 911.

[B]

What's your emergency? What's your emergency, ma'? Am?

[C]

Can I get your name? Because you have just won a suit.

[B]

Sharon, I hope. Well, that's amazing. What's your emergency?

[A]

It's a three piece suit. Does that change your tune at all or vest included?

[B]

I love that.

[A]

A lot of suits are only two pieces these days.

[B]

Okay, all right. But do you have an emergency?

[A]

I guess it's an emergency that we get this suit to you. Isn't that right?

[B]

I called you. Isn't that something?

[D]

Wait, is this Sharon?

[B]

Yeah, Sharon from 901 Italiano.

[D]

This is Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones Law school.

[B]

I thought you were never gonna talk to me again.

[D]

I'm sorry I said that.

[B]

I'm pregnant. What?

[D]

Scott, hang up the phone.

[A]

Not hanging up the phone. This is juicy stuff.

[B]

Hang up the phone, Scott Italiano. I'm pregnant. I'm. I'm seven and a half months pregnant. I've been.

[A]

You're ready to go?

[B]

I'm ready to go.

[A]

Is it Italiano's baby?

[B]

I. I do believe so. I've only ever Believe so. I believe so. I've only ever slept with Italiano. He told me he was shooting blanks.

[D]

That is correct. I do shoot blanks. But this day the blanks fired. Just like if you were cooking in your kitchen.

[A]

Why is every one of your lawsuits cooking related?

[B]

What are we going to do? What are we gonna do?

[C]

Well, now that you have the suit, I think that solves it.

[A]

Then you can get married.

[B]

I'd love to. I would love to marry you in this suit.

[D]

That suit is worth thousands. Use that for the baby. Scott, hang up the phone.

[A]

You're a deadbeat dad.

[B]

I liked you. I liked you. You told me that every woman you met to this point thought you were stupid, didn't take you seriously, and that you appreciated that. I saw your worth and your intelligence and. And what made you unique and special. And then you. You left.

[D]

I did appreciate it.

[C]

He confided into me that he did not want to feel like he was associated with a 911 operator as his main squeeze.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

That is what you call a conflict of interest. That is a conflict.

[B]

I help people. I help people.

[D]

I also help people. Have you ever been injured?

[A]

How is that a conflict of interest if you're both helping people?

[D]

Because I work against them. I am sued.

[A]

Oh, you sued 911.

[D]

I am going to sue 911.

[B]

I'm getting calls for other emergencies. At this point. So if you could take my.

[A]

You don't have an emergency?

[B]

Yeah, Italiano, please take my number down. Call me. It's 91 1.

[C]

I will not be able to award the suit. I'm sorry. Just looking at the bylaws until. Unless you give me your full address right now.

[B]

Okay. My full address. My full address. Italiano. I'd love to see you. I'm located at 5,959 Emergency Lane.

[A]

Emergency Lane. How I run.

[B]

That's where the dispatch it's how funny and goofy Emergency laid always make 91.

[C]

1'S got to be funny.

[B]

Los Angeles, California. 91169. All right.

[A]

You'll expect that 911 and then a 69. Is that what you guys were involved in?

[B]

Yeah, it was an emergency. He called me. He said he had an emergency.

[A]

This is how it turned into a 69.

[B]

It turned into a full blown 69.

[D]

Don't let people tell you that you cannot get someone pregnant doing 69. You absolutely can.

[A]

She just went down the wrong pipe.

[D]

It went down the wrong pipe. She started to cough and now she is saying all of this nonsense.

[A]

Now, look, we need to take a break.

[C]

The suit is on its way to you.

[A]

The suit is on its way.

[C]

$39,939.99 shipping and handling.

[A]

Shipping and handling. That's okay with you, but please stay on the line if you can. I know there's some other emergencies come, but we're gonna be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools. These are real tools, by the way. It's like a hammer they had. Squarespace reached out and they said, we invented a new hammer. It's cutting edge. I said, please hammer, don't hurt them. And we all laughed. But in any case, they have some great tools and anyone can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI enhanced website builder to get a fully custom website in just a few steps, using basic information about your industry goals and personality to create premium quality content and personalized design recommendations. And every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? Well, Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. No Hidden fees or add ons required. Head over to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Sometimes an identity threat is a ring of professional hackers. And sometimes it's an overworked accountant who forgot to encrypt their connection while sending bank details.

[B]

I need a coffee.

[A]

And you need Lifelock. Because your info is in endless places. It only takes one mistake to expose you to identity theft. Lifelock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second. If your identity is stolen, we'll fix it. Get guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first [e-mail] special offer terms apply. You know, when you think about game day, you might not think Wayfair, right? I mean there are two one's, two words and one's one word. First of all, that's confusing right off the bat. And then they're totally different letters. Although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair. And the W and the the why is in both. I mean this is pretty similar actually. Game day Wayfair. I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right? Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds. Whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot. Cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot, right? Wayfair has something for every style in every home, no matter your space or your budget. They even have decor and merch from your favorite sports teams. And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff. And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day. I mean, when I say I, I mean Coolop. Coolop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff. She ordered a. She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween, a rabbit sitting with a ladybug that I guess that's year round that can just stay out there forever. So yeah, so Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes. In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day. From coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers. Shop, save and score goal [e-mail] that's W, A, Y, F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home comedy. Bang bang. We're back with David Wayne, Medical police.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

The drpd.

[C]

One of the co creators and executive producers of.

[A]

And also one of the stars.

[C]

One of the stars.

[A]

And editing, directing.

[C]

You know, it's like they call me a jack of all trades. Why? Because I do it all.

[A]

More like a Jimmy of all TMZs.

[C]

Yes, that right. Jimmy T. Jimmy two times.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Because I make those runs from one TMZ office to the other.

[A]

You sure do.

[C]

And if. If you know Los Angeles, I go from east side to west side everywhere.

[A]

In the 30 mile zone.

[C]

Only, only LA people will understand that one.

[A]

Oh, definitely. We also have Italiano Jones is here and hello. He's very nervous.

[D]

This is Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones and Associates. Considering law and miscellaneous items upon judgment.

[A]

And we also have entrepreneur.

[B]

How you doing? Yes.

[A]

And. And then we have. What was your name, ma'?

[B]

Am on 91 1?

[A]

Sharon.

[D]

Scott, hang up the phone.

[A]

I will not hang up the phone.

[C]

I swear to God. You hang up that phone, that suit is history.

[B]

I'm seven and a half months pregnant. I just want Italiano to step up to the plate and be the father I know he can be.

[D]

I am no longer allowed to have children.

[C]

Is that one of the judgments that happened in one of your suits?

[D]

That is one of the judgments.

[A]

So a jury said to you, a judge told a lawyer that you're no longer allowed to have children?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

For how bad you were at being a lawyer.

[D]

No, I am great at that. I will fight for you.

[C]

Your client is going to jail for 10 years and the lawyer is no longer children.

[A]

This is draconian.

[D]

I will fight for you, Scott.

[A]

Was that in the United States? Fight for yourself. Fight for your ability to have children. That is a conflict of interest.

[B]

Italiana. Please, please, I'm begging you. This baby's gonna be stupid like you.

[D]

How dare you.

[B]

You're stupid.

[A]

This baby can't take care of itself. It's gonna be stupid.

[B]

This baby is going to be stupid when this baby comes out.

[A]

But two stupid people are better than one stupid person. Isn't that right?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

I am a traveling lawyer.

[A]

You're traveling. You only are in one rectangle and that's the la municipal rectangle.

[D]

I cannot be held in a rectangle. I am a traveling lawyer. I will fight for you. Have you ever been injured?

[A]

We know everything about what you.

[D]

Have you ever walked onto a plane and decided to make an instant meal?

[B]

I would like to create something.

[A]

Oh, no. Let me guess. Is it a cuboid?

[B]

No. Much to your chagrin. No.

[A]

Is it some sort of oblong thing with a couple of.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

A couple of triangles on the side?

[B]

Abstract.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because I see a problem, and that's what I do. I see problems and I create solutions.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

So far you have not helped me at all in creating solutions. So.

[A]

Sharon, Sharon, can you hold on one second while entre.

[B]

I mean, I'm getting. There are a few emergencies.

[D]

Hang up the phone, Scott.

[B]

There are people calling in right now. I have someone saying there's an intruder in their home. Oh, no.

[A]

Well, we have a person who's about to die over here of a heart attack.

[B]

Everything can pause, right?

[C]

By the way, I, I, I really am just about to.

[A]

You're just about to. And, and Sharon is just about to blow in a different way.

[B]

I'm going to blow any day now and, But I will hold. I'm happy to hold. Okay.

[A]

Speaking of blowing, that's 69.

[B]

Here's my invention. Hey, Scott, I just met you. If you could not talk about my.

[A]

Sex life, I'm sorry, but I just can't change.

[D]

Talk about it.

[A]

Scott.

[B]

Scott, I got a call actually, from your, your studio.

[A]

What? You're at my rectangle.

[B]

Your rectangle? Yeah. What? Yeah, your rectangle. I don't, I don't get that.

[A]

You know. Okay, it's in. Inside. Joke.

[B]

Inside. Well, I'm on the outside. This is. I got a call somebody. He said he didn't want to be identified, but I'm going to go ahead and. I'm going to go ahead and identify him.

[C]

Oh, no, you're outing the whistleblower, a Kevin.

[B]

He said.

[A]

Oh, we don't have to pay attention to what Kevin says.

[B]

He said your dick was out. Out? You're wearing a robe and your dick is out.

[A]

Well, that's just, that's an inside joke from, from the show.

[B]

Okay, well, then that case, that's fine. We won't be sending any officers.

[A]

Okay, good. Oh, good.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Have your dick ever been out? I will fight for you.

[A]

To do what?

[C]

You know what? I'd love to give you a call if I could, because my dick was out about six weeks ago.

[D]

Was your dick out, David Huang?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, let me tell you something. I will fight for you.

[B]

I have.

[A]

I still don't know.

[B]

I need to get this one off my chest.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Andre Italiano and Sharon, kind woman, seem to be having an issue. You are going to be a father, Italiano. So I have an idea. I'd like to get a small fee from each of you to make this thing pop.

[A]

All right.

[B]

It's called. I don't know what to call it just yet, but it's. When a man has a child, the child doesn't live with him. Perhaps this child can come see you every other weekend.

[D]

That is called an abortion.

[A]

No, it's called custody.

[C]

I'm not sure that's called an abortion.

[B]

The child could come visit you.

[A]

She's.

[B]

She's.

[A]

He is not pitching an abortion. Please.

[B]

I am 60 years old. This was a miracle.

[A]

60 years old.

[B]

You said you were shooting blanks. I thought my eggs were dried up. Turns out they were soaking wet.

[D]

In Italy, we like this mature.

[A]

This is a real May, December, if not January, December romance.

[B]

You told. Yeah. How old? You told me you were 30, but you seem younger.

[D]

You are correct. I am the youngest lawyer and also tallest lawyer in Italy. I am 6 foot 4 and 23 years old.

[A]

Neither are really too extreme.

[D]

I'm the tallest man.

[C]

Tallest man in The Italy is 6 foot 4.

[A]

And your youngest lawyer is only 23. I mean. Okay, well, think about it.

[C]

You go to school, you graduate, you're about 21.

[B]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna come see you at the office. I think that's.

[A]

You're going back to Italy. Hell, yeah.

[B]

I. I don't think this is something. We need to be airing our dirty laundry on a radio show.

[D]

I told Scott to hang up the phone many times.

[A]

Sorry. I cannot complain.

[B]

What was that?

[D]

I told Scott to hang up the phone. So we did not air any dirty laundry. Has your dirty laundry ever been aired? I will fight for you.

[A]

Entre. Wait a minute. Do you have an idea about dirty laundry?

[B]

I do. I do.

[A]

Let me guess. A cuboid.

[B]

No.

[A]

With a circle on top.

[B]

Actually, it's a circle on top.

[A]

Circle on top, Cuboid on the bottom.

[B]

Circle on the bottom.

[C]

These are great pitches.

[B]

A circle on top, cuboid on the bottom. Do you want to draw it? David Lil Wayne.

[C]

Okay, we've got a circle on the top and a cube on the top.

[B]

David Lil Wayne.

[C]

Yep. I'm sketching it out because I like. I'm. I think visually same.

[B]

Ditto. Ditto.

[A]

If you were to sit on it, would you receive pleasure of some sort and sit on.

[B]

That's a bidet. No.

[A]

You know what a bidet is, but you don't know what a toilet.

[B]

What a bidet is? Scott. What, do I look dumb to you?

[D]

That was one of the cases I just had. Somebody was injured in a bidet accident.

[A]

Oh, no. What happened?

[D]

Yes. They were sitting on the toilet with a gun.

[A]

All right, guys, well, look, we're running out of time. We just have one final feature on the show, and that's a little something called plugs. Doing the plug. Mmm. Nice and short and sweet. Unlike our closing up the plug bag theme that was doing the plugs by water aerobics. Water aerobics?

[D]

Have you ever been injured in a water aerobics accident?

[A]

Let me guess. You're swimming. You have a gun.

[D]

You are swimming with a gun. In case Steve the alligator comes out.

[A]

I get what I'm saying. This is actually makes sense.

[D]

You have to shoot him.

[A]

So every time you take a stroke, you're shooting the gun.

[D]

Stroke. Pow.

[A]

Hey, Billy squire. Great sample.

[B]

I love that you guys are making jokes, but just know that a baby is involved here.

[D]

Hang up the phone, Scott.

[A]

No.

[D]

Open up the plug bag and hang up the phone.

[B]

This is your child, Italiano, and I will take you to court. And I don't want to make this contentious, but I understand. If that's what you want, that's what it's gonna be.

[D]

Will you take me to court? I will fight for you.

[A]

You'll fight for yourself. You're gonna be providing this what Andre was pitching this custody.

[D]

I will prove that I am an unfit father, and I am never to.

[A]

See that child ever.

[C]

Oh, that's okay.

[A]

That's the opposite of what people usually do. All right, what are we plugging here? David, Obviously medical police.

[C]

Well, I do want to. If you. This is the time to really make a plug. I want to.

[A]

You want to go hard?

[C]

Well, I just want to talk about a thing that I want people to check out. It's that I'm involved in. It's called grammar clock, chair, duck.

[A]

Grammar. Clock, chair, duck.

[C]

Yeah. Grammar, clock, chair, duck. And basically, it's a duck on a chair that's also a clock. And it helps you with grammar. And if people would go to my website, you can order it and it all.

[A]

You can order the.

[C]

Yep. And it goes to charity. It all goes to charity. So it's a good cause.

[A]

It's a chair or it's a duck.

[C]

Yep. And it's with the clock part. Tells the time and.

[A]

But is it a clock that has a duck on it?

[C]

You're watching this probably for Christmas or new.

[A]

Or is it a. Or is it a chair that has a duck on it that's holding a clock?

[C]

I know that. It's exactly that. That's exactly right. Okay. Those kind of Questions that get the whole family.

[A]

What's it called again?

[C]

Grammar clock. Chair. Duck.

[A]

Grammar Clock Chair, Duck.

[C]

And so that's. It's exactly this kind of conversation you're going to end up having with your family and it's going to be a bond.

[A]

Can you give these as gifts?

[C]

Yeah, it's a. It's a gift thing. You can get them gift wrapped. You not gift wrapped.

[A]

You can do they keep until next Christmas in case I don't know anyone who.

[C]

A lot of my friends are hoarding them now because there. There is a half price sale.

[A]

So there's no perishable element to this. The duck will keep.

[C]

The duck keeps. It's a. Keep Duck. Grammar clock.

[B]

Chair.

[C]

Duck.

[A]

Grammar. Chalk. Clar. Duck. All right. And Andre, what do you want to plug here?

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Okay. And Taliano Jones. Anything?

[D]

I would like to plug. The law offices of Italiano Jones and Associates with Melissa Ennis. Items.

[B]

Yes, Melissa.

[D]

Melissa's items. And Scott, if you have ever been injured in any type of way.

[A]

Any type of way.

[D]

Entree.

[A]

Does it have to be gun related?

[D]

It does not have to be, but that's preferable. It has gun or cooking. I specialize in those.

[A]

And when they intersect.

[D]

Also, if you would like to come out to your mother.

[A]

Mother.

[D]

And she's a homophobe. I will break the news.

[A]

Do you have to be a crocodile reptile? Don't say. Huh? Trying to stall. You know what I said.

[D]

I didn't hear what you said.

[A]

Is it true? This is true. You didn't hear what you said. Okay. All right, well, I'll give you that one.

[D]

What'd you say?

[A]

I said never mind. All right. I want to plug.

[B]

I'd like to plug something. Sharon, I'm going to need you to step up. Italiano.

[A]

Why is he still on the floor?

[B]

I'd like to plug. Father.

[D]

There have been so many different death. To have a cart, you gotta.

[A]

You gotta unplug. I think I heard the sound of your water breaking.

[B]

It did just break. But I'm gonna sit here at seven.

[D]

And a half months. No, put it back.

[A]

You've got.

[D]

Put that baby back.

[B]

Delano. You've got a pre me son.

[D]

Put it back up in there.

[B]

You've got a pre me son.

[D]

Put it back up in there.

[B]

I'd like to plug fatherhood. And it's underrated, but yeah, more people should step up.

[C]

By the way, we're all kidding around here. But it is is way too often they plug preemies back up into the woman and we've got to stop.

[A]

We got to stop that horrible practice. Oh, really?

[C]

That's called stop plugging preemies spp. And if you go to spp.org.

[A]

Okay. If you go to STP, though, then.

[C]

It'S like, stop it.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And if you go to stl, have.

[D]

You ever snipped in a puddle of STP brand oil?

[A]

Most of your accidents seem to be oil related or gun related. All right, look, I have nothing to plug. Watch the Between Two Ferns movie. If you haven't on.

[C]

It's terrific.

[A]

Your rectangle at home. Oh, thank you, David.

[C]

Also on Netflix.

[A]

Also on Netflix. If you're spending a day at Netflix, watch Medical Police first. But then go spend an hour and a half with the Between Two Ferns movie. All right, let's hear that new Closing up the Plug Bag theme. You start with a C. When you wanna close it up, you lead with an L. And then you o.

[B]

Beat up the plug bag.

[A]

Open up the plug. I just take your hands and open it up. Then Horatio comes, and then he just says, ballooning all night. Open up the plug bag.

[B]

Open up the plug bag.

[A]

Everybody wants to open up the plug bag.

[B]

Just keep it fucking.

[A]

Open up the plug. Open up the plug plug. Open it up. Okay.

[D]

Can I. Can I ask a canonical question?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

When he got Italiano, why do they.

[D]

Say open up the plug back when we are closing it?

[A]

Oh, everyone always asks this. I don't know. It's. It's been happening for eight years, I believe.

[C]

Maybe opposites attract.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Hey, DJ Scat cat.

[B]

Speaking of eight years, that's a baby.

[A]

What about it? This.

[D]

Hang on the most, guy.

[A]

No. What about eight years? It's gonna be. It's gonna be eight plus ten.

[B]

Yeah, eight plus ten.

[A]

That's eight until It's. Until you're no longer responsible.

[D]

I'm about to take my gun to the bathroom.

[A]

Please don't. Don't bring the oil in there either.

[D]

Taking his STP and this Wesson. No, I'm gonna cook.

[A]

Oh, please don't.

[B]

In the bathroom.

[A]

Look, guys, I want to thank you. David, please don't make it another two years or however long it's been since another episode of Wayne Scotting. We got to keep this going.

[C]

You let me know. I'm here, buddy.

[A]

All right. Very good. And entre.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Another swing and a miss.

[B]

I don't know that I missed. I got $2,000 and I ripped it up right in front of the TV.

[A]

You got 2 million.

[B]

2 million. Excuse me.

[D]

Wow. That is thousands.

[A]

It really is. Taliano. Thank you so much.

[D]

Thank you for having me, Scott. And remember, I will fight for you.

[A]

Yeah, I do remember that. And share. Sharon, do you remember that?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

David, do you remember that?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. A buddy of mine told me that a thousand. Thousand is a million.

[A]

Nah, I don't think so.

[B]

You guys. While you guys are having fun and games, I just gave birth to a son, Italiano junior. I am gonna name him after you. You cannot deny him.

[D]

Wait a second.

[B]

This baby looks like.

[D]

That baby is green and scaly and long.

[B]

Looks just like you.

[D]

It looks like Steve.

[A]

That looks like Steve. Wait, Steve? The. The gay alligator.

[B]

Gay alligator?

[A]

I don't think he's gay.

[B]

Well, I have a. I have a. A confession. I did let a gay gator smash.

[C]

I do have good gator. Gator.

[A]

All right, we'll see you next time. Bye.

[B]

Save up to 30% on fall meal essentials during the Spice Up Fall event now at Whole Foods Market with sales on organic honeycrisp apples and winter squash. Grab fresh and mild swordfish steaks for a cozy pan seared mane. Or make a hearty stew starring no antibiotics ever. Short ribs for something sweet. Indulge in limited time pumpkin spice treats from the bakery and find even more in the aisles. Spice Up Fall and save at Whole Foods Market in store and online.

[D]

I'mma put you on, nephew.

[C]

All right, unc.

[B]

Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order, miss?

[D]

I've been hitting up McDonald's for years.

[B]

Now it's back.

[D]

We need snack wraps. What's a snack wrap? It's the return of something great. Snack wrap is back.

[A]

Adam Pali here and I'm John Gabris. We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the hosts of the TV show 101 Places to Party before youe Die. Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive. We'll have guests like our friend, actor Jerry O', Connell, ketamine therapist, Dr. Stephen Radowitz, Paul Scheer, Ego Wodom, Gillian Bell, Dr. Dolittle. Staying alive with Jon Gabrison. Adam Pally is out right now. Get them a week early and ad free with SiriusXM podcast plus on Apple Podcasts.