Transcript

A (0:00)

VRBO makes it easy to claim your dream summer spot with early booking deals. From homes with pools to poolside loungers.

B (0:06)

When you book a vrbo, you don't.

A (0:08)

Have to reserve any loungers.

B (0:10)

They're all yours.

A (0:12)

Get that early booking deal@vrbo.com shipping, billing, admin, payroll, marketing. You're managing all the things, so why waste time sending important documents the old fashioned way? Mail and ship when you want, how you want with stamps.com. print postage on demand 247 and schedule pickups from your office or home home. Save up to 90% with automated rate shopping. That's why over 1 million small businesses trust stamps.com. go to stamps.com and use code podcast to try stamps.com risk free for 60 days.

C (1:03)

Come and.

D (1:13)

Bang bang into your mouth. You know you want to bang bang into your mouth.

B (1:17)

You know you want. Everybody want to listen to Scott.

D (1:21)

Everybody wants a. Rock lobster.

B (1:33)

All right, let me do this. If you see something suspicious, say something suspicious. Welcome to comedy bang bang.

D (1:38)

That's funny. Who said that?

B (1:39)

That is non slick Nick.

D (1:41)

Non slick Nick.

B (1:42)

Well done.

D (1:42)

Non slick Nick.

B (1:43)

I like that catchphrase, by the way. We're only taking new catchphrase submissions these days. I, I was stuck in a rut only taking ones from January of three years ago for a while.

D (1:52)

I'm now only taking this is a newie.

B (1:54)

This is a newie.

D (1:55)

So know that if you did it resubmit if you wanted.

B (1:58)

Comedy Bang Bang: "Crust Is Gutters, Undercarriage Is Grundle"

Episode Air Date: January 5, 2026
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Ben Schwartz, Ryan Gaul, Gil Ozeri
Main Theme:
A riotous start to 2026 with Scott Aukerman welcoming recurring favorite Ben Schwartz for his 40th Comedy Bang Bang appearance. With the addition of character-filled guests Ryan Gaul and Gil Ozeri, the show dives deep into friendship, pizza review riffing, awkward entrepreneurs, and the return of AI oddball Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0. It's classic CBB—banter, surreal improv, playful self-referential humor, and a smattering of plugs for the new year.

Episode Overview

Celebrates Ben Schwartz’s 40th appearance and a CBB tradition of starting each year with “Benny Schwab.”
Features signature bits: ongoing character quirks, call-backs to past episodes, meta-conversations about the show’s history, Hollywood, and their own text chains.
Welcomes character guests including a grumpy entrepreneur with an odd pizza rating system (Chave Portnoy) and a returning deranged AI physician (Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0).
Explores comedic takes on relationships, friendship dynamics, and absurd "expertise"—especially in the worlds of pizza and artificial intelligence.

Major Segments & Highlights

A Tradition of Benny Schwab: Friendship, Banter, and Show History

[01:38 – 13:01]

Scott opens by referencing CBB catchphrases and brings Ben Schwartz in with repeated jokes about being "the post-stroke Jamie Foxx of comedy" (03:02), to Schwartz’s mock horror ("You have to stop saying post stroke. I love Jamie Foxx." – Ben Schwartz, 02:36).
Celebrates Ben’s 40th appearance, tracing his history back to episode 29 in 2009. ("The earliest episode you ever did was episode 29." — Scott, 04:23)
The duo reminisce about episode ordering, listener voting, being left out of “Best Of” rankings, and the origin of Ben’s “Benny Schwa” nickname.
Scott purposely misstates Ben’s credits, riffing on "House of Pies" instead of "House of Lies" —a recurring, self-aware bit.

Mutual Roasting, Improv Battles, and Sonic Movie Talk

[10:01 – 27:51]

Discusses upcoming "Sonic 4," introducing a riff about Amy Rose and impromptu audition scenes.
Schwartz briefly mocks Scott’s voiceover audition skills in a Sonic scenario.

"Describe her butt." – Scott (10:29)

"You're trapping me. You're trapping me!" – Ben Schwartz

Ben plugs a possible Broadway run and their inability to coordinate text chains, which leads to a breakdown of their text message receipts and speed of replies.

Unexpected Guests: The Entrepreneur With the Wild Pizza Review Method

[33:18 – 59:06]

Character "Chave Portnoy" (Gaul), self-described entrepreneurial brother of David Portnoy (Barstool), debuts—a hilariously irritable presence with a meandering backstory and a needlessly convoluted pizza rating system.
Embroiled in confusion about his own method (“two bites, everybody knows the rules”), misuses pizza terminology (“the crust is guttered, the undercarriage is grundle”), and has bizarre conversations about mozzarella sticks, money, his hog, and his family (kids named Carol, Carolyn, Danny Svenson, and “Carolyn” again—leading to circular confusion).

"Crust is guttered, undercarriage is grundle..." – Chave Portnoy (39:45)

"So 24... is that one full Jack Bauer?" — Scott [41:42]

The group riffs on the entrepreneur's failing marriage, money mismanagement, embarrassingly bad romance advice, and attempts a mock-sincere roleplay to revitalize his marriage.

Enter: Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0—AI, Insanity, and Conversation Starters

[63:05 – 85:15]

Dr. Sweet Chat (Ozeri), an “AI physician/wingman” in the form of a dense flesh-colored cube on a roller skate, returns—now updated “to compete with ChatGPT.”
Demonstrates new features: conversation starters, stilted impressions (e.g., Alec Baldwin, Miles Teller), and various operating “modes” (“normal,” “sexual,” “post-coital”).
Delivers surreal, unhelpful “pickup lines,” including, "Is it just me, or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider?" (67:49), and awkward, sometimes uncomfortable advice ("Go up to her and say: 'I hope you outlive your children.'" [78:36]).
The crew responds with increasing bafflement, leading to Scott and Ben gently roasting the character for his non-sequiturs and lack of human understanding.

Closing Out: Plugs, End-of-Show Song, and Reflections

[85:41 – show end]

Plugs: Ben Schwartz announces limited touring for "Ben Schwartz & Friends" and the indie production of "The Earliest Show." Chave tries to plug “House of Lies, Season 3.” Dr. Sweet Chat, in classic derailed fashion, plugs “soft tacos.”
Scott promotes CBB World, the “Scott Hasn’t Seen” side-podcast, and the new CBB continuity reboot (“Crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs”).
The now-traditional "Plug Bag" end-of-show song is attempted, with Ben improvising lyrics about closing, then (inevitably) opening, the bag — featuring interruptions by Dr. Sweet Chat.
Ends with the group reflecting on the history and the hypothetical end of CBB, speculating about the show's 20th anniversary and proper sendoff.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On tradition:
"This is your 40th appearance on Comedy Bang Bang." – Scott (03:19)
On the Pizza Review Scale:
"Crust is guttered, undercarriage is grundle, cheese is painting..." – Chave Portnoy (39:45)
On Character Bits:
"I'm a 3-inch by 3-inch by 3-inch flesh cube and 450 pounds." – Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0 (64:22)
Absurd AI Pickup Line:
"Is it just me, or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider?" – Dr. Sweet Chat (67:49)
Roasting Ben Schwartz’s credits:
"You know him from House of Pies." – Scott (04:52)
On friendship:
"I always respond very quickly. Unless I'm busy, then I take days." – Ben Schwartz (26:10)
On unsuccessful show segments:
"Going through texts of a person who doesn't want any of his private information out there." – Scott (22:27)
Dr. Sweet Chat's “impressions”:
"Miles Teller... I’m falling in the mud. Oh, no. I'm hurt. My ankle is hurt." – Dr. Sweet Chat (71:08)
On ending the show:
"Do you think you'll hang it up in the next five years?" – Ben (95:08)
"March 2029." – Dr. Sweet Chat (95:12)

Key Timestamps

[03:19] – Scott marks Ben’s entry into the "40 Timers Club."
[09:07] – Discussing missing the Best Of CBB rankings.
[10:26] – Sonic 4, Amy Rose riff, impromptu character auditions.
[18:24] – Bit about Steamboat Willie entering public domain.
[33:40] – Chave Portnoy, the “entrepreneur,” introduced.
[39:45] – The infamous "crust is guttered, undercarriage is grundle."
[52:23] – Chave’s unromantic plans for rekindling his marriage.
[63:36] – Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0 returns, updated for “ChatGPT competition.”
[67:49] – AI delivers "Is it just me, or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider?"
[85:41] – Plugs and end-of-show musical sendoff.

Tone & Style

Whip-smart, self-mocking, meta, and delightfully absurd—an episode that delights in loose improvisation, inside jokes, and the comedic chemistry of the core cast.
Listeners are consistently let in on the joke; the show often acknowledges its own history, traditions, and even its flaws.

For First-Time Listeners

This episode is a CBB staple: an in-joke-laden, tradition-rich variety show that balances celebrity “realness” with character chaos. Great for longtime fans but accessible enough for newcomers willing to get swept along by the contagious comic energy and the show's capacity for surreal nonsense.

Comedy Bang Bang at its most anarchic, improvisational, and affectionately self-referential—a must-listen for anyone who loves character-driven long-form comedy.

wavePod

Crust Is Gutters, Undercarriage Is Grundle (Ben Schwarz, Ryan Gaul, Gil Ozeri)