Crust Is Gutters, Undercarriage Is Grundle (Ben Schwarz, Ryan Gaul, Gil Ozeri)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: "Crust Is Gutters, Undercarriage Is Grundle"

Episode Air Date: January 5, 2026
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Ben Schwartz, Ryan Gaul, Gil Ozeri
Main Theme:
A riotous start to 2026 with Scott Aukerman welcoming recurring favorite Ben Schwartz for his 40th Comedy Bang Bang appearance. With the addition of character-filled guests Ryan Gaul and Gil Ozeri, the show dives deep into friendship, pizza review riffing, awkward entrepreneurs, and the return of AI oddball Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0. It's classic CBB—banter, surreal improv, playful self-referential humor, and a smattering of plugs for the new year.

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Episode Overview

• Celebrates Ben Schwartz’s 40th appearance and a CBB tradition of starting each year with “Benny Schwab.”
• Features signature bits: ongoing character quirks, call-backs to past episodes, meta-conversations about the show’s history, Hollywood, and their own text chains.
• Welcomes character guests including a grumpy entrepreneur with an odd pizza rating system (Chave Portnoy) and a returning deranged AI physician (Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0).
• Explores comedic takes on relationships, friendship dynamics, and absurd "expertise"—especially in the worlds of pizza and artificial intelligence.

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Major Segments & Highlights

A Tradition of Benny Schwab: Friendship, Banter, and Show History

[01:38 – 13:01]

• Scott opens by referencing CBB catchphrases and brings Ben Schwartz in with repeated jokes about being "the post-stroke Jamie Foxx of comedy" (03:02), to Schwartz’s mock horror ("You have to stop saying post stroke. I love Jamie Foxx." – Ben Schwartz, 02:36).
• Celebrates Ben’s 40th appearance, tracing his history back to episode 29 in 2009. ("The earliest episode you ever did was episode 29." — Scott, 04:23)
• The duo reminisce about episode ordering, listener voting, being left out of “Best Of” rankings, and the origin of Ben’s “Benny Schwa” nickname.
• Scott purposely misstates Ben’s credits, riffing on "House of Pies" instead of "House of Lies" —a recurring, self-aware bit.

Mutual Roasting, Improv Battles, and Sonic Movie Talk

[10:01 – 27:51]

• Discusses upcoming "Sonic 4," introducing a riff about Amy Rose and impromptu audition scenes.
• Schwartz briefly mocks Scott’s voiceover audition skills in a Sonic scenario.

"Describe her butt." – Scott (10:29)

"You're trapping me. You're trapping me!" – Ben Schwartz

• Ben plugs a possible Broadway run and their inability to coordinate text chains, which leads to a breakdown of their text message receipts and speed of replies.

Unexpected Guests: The Entrepreneur With the Wild Pizza Review Method

[33:18 – 59:06]

• Character "Chave Portnoy" (Gaul), self-described entrepreneurial brother of David Portnoy (Barstool), debuts—a hilariously irritable presence with a meandering backstory and a needlessly convoluted pizza rating system.
• Embroiled in confusion about his own method (“two bites, everybody knows the rules”), misuses pizza terminology (“the crust is guttered, the undercarriage is grundle”), and has bizarre conversations about mozzarella sticks, money, his hog, and his family (kids named Carol, Carolyn, Danny Svenson, and “Carolyn” again—leading to circular confusion).

"Crust is guttered, undercarriage is grundle..." – Chave Portnoy (39:45)

"So 24... is that one full Jack Bauer?" — Scott [41:42]

• The group riffs on the entrepreneur's failing marriage, money mismanagement, embarrassingly bad romance advice, and attempts a mock-sincere roleplay to revitalize his marriage.

Enter: Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0—AI, Insanity, and Conversation Starters

[63:05 – 85:15]

• Dr. Sweet Chat (Ozeri), an “AI physician/wingman” in the form of a dense flesh-colored cube on a roller skate, returns—now updated “to compete with ChatGPT.”
• Demonstrates new features: conversation starters, stilted impressions (e.g., Alec Baldwin, Miles Teller), and various operating “modes” (“normal,” “sexual,” “post-coital”).
• Delivers surreal, unhelpful “pickup lines,” including, "Is it just me, or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider?" (67:49), and awkward, sometimes uncomfortable advice ("Go up to her and say: 'I hope you outlive your children.'" [78:36]).
• The crew responds with increasing bafflement, leading to Scott and Ben gently roasting the character for his non-sequiturs and lack of human understanding.

Closing Out: Plugs, End-of-Show Song, and Reflections

[85:41 – show end]

• Plugs: Ben Schwartz announces limited touring for "Ben Schwartz & Friends" and the indie production of "The Earliest Show." Chave tries to plug “House of Lies, Season 3.” Dr. Sweet Chat, in classic derailed fashion, plugs “soft tacos.”
• Scott promotes CBB World, the “Scott Hasn’t Seen” side-podcast, and the new CBB continuity reboot (“Crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs”).
• The now-traditional "Plug Bag" end-of-show song is attempted, with Ben improvising lyrics about closing, then (inevitably) opening, the bag — featuring interruptions by Dr. Sweet Chat.
• Ends with the group reflecting on the history and the hypothetical end of CBB, speculating about the show's 20th anniversary and proper sendoff.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On tradition:
  "This is your 40th appearance on Comedy Bang Bang." – Scott (03:19)

• On the Pizza Review Scale:
  "Crust is guttered, undercarriage is grundle, cheese is painting..." – Chave Portnoy (39:45)

• On Character Bits:
  "I'm a 3-inch by 3-inch by 3-inch flesh cube and 450 pounds." – Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0 (64:22)

• Absurd AI Pickup Line:
  "Is it just me, or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider?" – Dr. Sweet Chat (67:49)

• Roasting Ben Schwartz’s credits:
  "You know him from House of Pies." – Scott (04:52)

• On friendship:
  "I always respond very quickly. Unless I'm busy, then I take days." – Ben Schwartz (26:10)

• On unsuccessful show segments:
  "Going through texts of a person who doesn't want any of his private information out there." – Scott (22:27)

• Dr. Sweet Chat's “impressions”:
  "Miles Teller... I’m falling in the mud. Oh, no. I'm hurt. My ankle is hurt." – Dr. Sweet Chat (71:08)

• On ending the show:
  "Do you think you'll hang it up in the next five years?" – Ben (95:08)
  "March 2029." – Dr. Sweet Chat (95:12)

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Key Timestamps

• [03:19] – Scott marks Ben’s entry into the "40 Timers Club."
• [09:07] – Discussing missing the Best Of CBB rankings.
• [10:26] – Sonic 4, Amy Rose riff, impromptu character auditions.
• [18:24] – Bit about Steamboat Willie entering public domain.
• [33:40] – Chave Portnoy, the “entrepreneur,” introduced.
• [39:45] – The infamous "crust is guttered, undercarriage is grundle."
• [52:23] – Chave’s unromantic plans for rekindling his marriage.
• [63:36] – Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0 returns, updated for “ChatGPT competition.”
• [67:49] – AI delivers "Is it just me, or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider?"
• [85:41] – Plugs and end-of-show musical sendoff.

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Tone & Style

• Whip-smart, self-mocking, meta, and delightfully absurd—an episode that delights in loose improvisation, inside jokes, and the comedic chemistry of the core cast.
• Listeners are consistently let in on the joke; the show often acknowledges its own history, traditions, and even its flaws.

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode is a CBB staple: an in-joke-laden, tradition-rich variety show that balances celebrity “realness” with character chaos. Great for longtime fans but accessible enough for newcomers willing to get swept along by the contagious comic energy and the show's capacity for surreal nonsense.

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Comedy Bang Bang at its most anarchic, improvisational, and affectionately self-referential—a must-listen for anyone who loves character-driven long-form comedy.

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Transcript

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[C]

Come and.

[D]

Bang bang into your mouth. You know you want to bang bang into your mouth.

[B]

You know you want. Everybody want to listen to Scott.

[D]

Everybody wants a. Rock lobster.

[B]

All right, let me do this. If you see something suspicious, say something suspicious. Welcome to comedy bang bang.

[D]

That's funny. Who said that?

[B]

That is non slick Nick.

[D]

Non slick Nick.

[B]

Well done.

[D]

Non slick Nick.

[B]

I like that catchphrase, by the way. We're only taking new catchphrase submissions these days. I, I was stuck in a rut only taking ones from January of three years ago for a while.

[D]

I'm now only taking this is a newie.

[B]

This is a newie.

[D]

So know that if you did it resubmit if you wanted.

[B]

Resubmit early and often and late and often. Now if you want to be bang bang into your mouth, you know you want. You know that when you hear those dulcet tones, you know who is here, by the way.

[D]

Jamie Foxx, baby.

[B]

Post stroke Jamie Fox, baby. Don't say that. You're the post stroke Jamie Fox of comedy.

[D]

Linking me to your bad words.

[B]

Jamie Fox into your mouth.

[D]

Ray.

[B]

Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ocraven. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have an entrepreneur and we also have a physician on the show.

[D]

Are you kidding me? Because I have some doctor questions.

[B]

Oh, you do? Okay. A lot of medical issues for you.

[D]

A couple.

[B]

Yeah, you're. I've always said you're the post stroke Jamie Foxx comedy.

[D]

You have to stop saying post stroke. I love Jamie Foxx. How dare.

[B]

Welcome to the show. It's 2026. When you hear that voice, you know what is going on. He traditionally does the first episode of the year with us and he has. This is the 14th year in a row fucking way that you have Done it.

[D]

How do you know? Because every year we don't.

[B]

I just counted because every year I think of it while we're talking, and this year, I thought of it before. This is the 14th year in a row, and you are entering the exclusive 40 Timers Club on Comedy Bang Bang today. This is your 40th appearance on Comedy Bang Bang.

[D]

How many people are there? More than 10 people who've done it.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

More than 20? Can't be.

[B]

But I bet there's no one who's exactly 40 like you.

[D]

Okay, so I'll just stop here.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Deal.

[D]

Living Color. How many Jamie Fox movies? Baby Driver. Now you do one go. Let's see how many we can do.

[B]

Ah, Kevin Spacey. What?

[D]

That's a different actor. In Baby Driver, I'm saying Jamie Foxx films.

[B]

Oh, Jamie Foxx films. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Collateral. Huh?

[B]

Ali.

[D]

I don't. Oh, yeah, he played the.

[B]

He's the cornerman.

[D]

Yeah, the cornerman. Good.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[D]

I just wasn't sure if you thought.

[B]

You know, his voice. You know him from Parks and Rec.

[D]

Can I stop you for a second?

[B]

Yep.

[D]

Because I think I would love. I would love to.

[B]

You know what? I would love to sit here and not talk.

[D]

Great. Okay, so I'm going to. Because for 14 years, plus, I'm assuming many times we. Before we did this, it was probably a few years before that that we started this because we were in the radio station when I did my first one, so it's definitely a far.

[B]

You've done the show 40 times. Is that what you're. No, no, no.

[D]

The year I started is what I really want to know.

[B]

The earliest episode that you ever did was episode number 29. Whoa. That's crazy.

[D]

What year?

[B]

In 09, 29 and 09.

[D]

Wow. So 16 years we've been doing this.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

17 is 2026, my friend.

[D]

Oh, nine. 16 years. Oh, 2026. Of course. Right, right. This is coming. Of course. So for those 17 years, you've almost always gotten my credits wrong. And I want to stop you before you say it, so this takes really easy for you.

[B]

House of Pies. Nope.

[D]

Okay, push through. Never mind. I was gonna give you.

[B]

You know, I'm from House of Pies.

[D]

No, House of Lies. Literally. I was gonna say it so you wouldn't make a mistake. House of Lies.

[B]

You know, I'm from Bonnick the Legend. You know him from Sparks and Procreation, Parks and Recreation. And you know him from these really odd commercials that have been on recently where it Looks like the entire thing has been redubbed later in post. Is that redub? They weren't the fireball ones.

[D]

Yeah. No, they weren't redubbed.

[B]

That's live audio.

[D]

As the day baby.

[B]

I swear to God, they look entirely. Entirely adr.

[D]

Five commercials in one day. Four commercials in one day.

[B]

That's an incredible achievement. Congratulations.

[D]

I like them.

[B]

Do you?

[D]

The Isaac Newton one.

[B]

I have not. So you know what? Keep my eyes peeled for that.

[D]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[B]

You know him as the elegant Mr. S. You know him as Benny. You know him as Benny Schwa. Please welcome back to the show for the 40th time, Ben Schwartz.

[D]

Thank you so much. Can I tell you that I still get Benny Schwa when I. When I walk around, I still get Benny Schwa.

[B]

I love that.

[D]

Never. It can't stop.

[B]

I guess Hollywood's good boy. Jack Quaid gets Hollywood's good boy a lot.

[D]

Oh, that's funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Have we been on the same show before? Me and Hollywood?

[B]

The two of you should. You have very similar energies. I want to see if I could outgo that. You're both the post stroke Jamie Foxx of comedy.

[D]

Let that be Jack Quaid's thing. Don't put that on.

[B]

No. Already. He doesn't want us as. As heard on this last Friday's episode of Scott hasn't seen. He doesn't want to be known as Hollywood's other dumb shit, Jack Quaid.

[D]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. No, please. No one call him that when you see him.

[D]

Okay. So we just call him Hollywood good boy.

[B]

Hollywood's good boy is what he's known as.

[D]

And he enjoys that elegant Mr. S. I get. And Benny schwa.

[B]

I get Benny schwa and. Which is the sound that the schwa comes.

[D]

Of course.

[B]

Exactly.

[D]

Well, what does the fox say?

[B]

Jamie Foxx. Who is this post stroke Jamie Fox?

[D]

No.

[B]

Do you know?

[D]

That's like. What does the fox say? Have you had them on the show.

[B]

Yet who did that song? I. I knew for a while because Kevin Spacey. I thought it was Kevin Spacey too. In one of his like.

[D]

Gotta erase all this. What does the. What does Jamie Foxx say?

[B]

Oh, yes, Wanda. Hugh.

[D]

He played color.

[B]

Yeah. So he wouldn't have said Wanda.

[D]

Well, maybe if he was talking about himself.

[B]

If he's looking in the mirror.

[D]

Who's here? Wanda. You know what I mean? Huh?

[B]

Yeah. Hotel Wanda. Does that something.

[D]

That's Don Cheadle. You gotta stop.

[B]

No, I'm just saying that would be.

[D]

A great call, Wanda.

[B]

A great parody of Hotel Rwanda would be Wanda going to this hotel.

[D]

Wanda from a Living Color to play the John Cheetah role in Hotel Rwanda.

[B]

No, no, no. I want very dramatic. I want Wanda to go to that hotel and Don Cheadle like, is it the bell working? What was he the bellman in that?

[D]

He probably ran that he must have, Right?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

What?

[B]

Sure. I don't remember. I. I saw it a long time ago.

[D]

Great movie.

[B]

Great movie.

[D]

When I did great character. Lies.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Not House of Wanda. House of Lies with John Cheadle himself. I was saying the great character was Cheetos. You said Wanda, which is also a great character. But I couldn't watch Hotel Rwanda before we filmed. I'd seen it a while ago and I was like, I want to watch something because he's so good in it that it would maybe intimidated to work with him. It's like how I can't watch some of the Bob and David sketches before I come and do comedy. Bang, bang.

[B]

That's right. Because he was a cop.

[D]

It's too much.

[B]

Because I was ye. Me as the cop. Is that what you said?

[D]

Yeah. You played a cop, right?

[B]

I'm sure I did. I had to have, right?

[D]

Yeah, I think so.

[B]

I have cop energy.

[D]

You have good cop. You got that bdf.

[B]

A good cop energy. Not bad cop.

[D]

Big bce.

[B]

Bce.

[D]

Big cop energy.

[B]

Bce. What does that stand for?

[D]

Namely Big cop, Black cock. Enter.

[B]

Oh, come on.

[D]

Oh, it is verified.

[B]

The Common Era bce. Oh, sorry.

[D]

So what does BBC mean?

[B]

Oh, I wonder what is a bbl?

[D]

BBL is.

[B]

Have you ever tried to put a BBC in a bbl? It's not this kind of show. It's not this kind of show. Welcome back to the show.

[D]

I'm so thrilled to be here. This is the only episode I'm doing. Oh, I only did one episode last year, I think.

[B]

No, let's take a look. No, we did. Well, I did want to bring this up.

[D]

Oh, no. So we gotta do a solo bolo.

[B]

We. I. I wanted to bring this up. So we. We did a solo bolo. Ho. Ho, holo. Last year in late 24.

[D]

Oh, so we missed a year.

[B]

So we, we. Well, what we did was. And by the way, it was eligible for this year's best of voting. We of course did the best ofs last week and the week before and we said did it that if it got number one or we'll stop doing it forever. Stop doing them forever.

[D]

There's no way.

[B]

I'm here to tell you, Ben.

[D]

There's no way. No I guarantee it didn't. There's no way. Nobody would. But nobody would do a bit that hard to make us stop.

[B]

It did not even reach the best of us.

[D]

Did our first episode. Usually our first episode gets in the top 10.

[B]

Our first one did.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Our first one a long time ago, and it was fresh and new, and now people are just like, you know what? I'm not even going to commit to.

[D]

The first of the year. The first of the year.

[B]

Oh, top 10.

[D]

Make it a reveal. Make it a big reveal. Did our first episode of the year, me, Bobby and Ryan get to the top 10?

[B]

It did not even reach the top 16.

[D]

Oh, my God. God, I'm slipping.

[B]

That's okay. Maybe this one will for next year. But that means we have to. We have to go back and do another solo bolo.

[D]

We do. And also Sonic comes out next year, so.

[B]

Next year in 27. Yeah. Oh, really? That long? What's going on with Sonic? What's he up to right now? Of course, we. We know about Knuckles, and he had many adventures.

[D]

Of course. Yeah. Knuckles. Tails. Well, Amy Rose has been introduced for this new movie.

[B]

I don't know what that is.

[D]

Amy Rose is a pink hedgehog. She's female. She's gonna. She's an incredible sound.

[B]

Sexy as hell.

[D]

I wouldn't say sexy as hell. I mean, she's cute, I guess.

[B]

Describe her. Describe her butt.

[D]

Oh, just like sexy as hell. You're trapping me. You're trapping me.

[B]

Okay, good.

[D]

She's like. No, nonsense. She's very like.

[B]

Who plays?

[D]

She has a pika. Pika. Hammer has not been cast yet. She has a pika.

[B]

Do I have a shot?

[D]

Give me your audition. You don't even know what the characters. Okay, I'll be Sonic. You'll be Amy Rose.

[B]

All right, here we go. Amy.

[D]

What are you doing here?

[B]

Hi there, big boy. What's going on with you? I'm Lisa Rose.

[D]

Amy Rose.

[B]

Okay, sure. I'm going to change my name right now. That sounds so great. Amy Rose, where are you from? I'm from all over the place. Directly in this very center of this great country of Oz.

[D]

Wait, so like, you're in the Midwest or where.

[B]

No, that implies that I am west. I'm in the. I'm directly in the center. What state?

[D]

What state?

[B]

East, west, what? North, South? All of them. All of them? Right in between.

[D]

What are your special powers?

[B]

Well, okay, like you can.

[D]

I can run.

[B]

You can run really fast.

[D]

Tail can fly. Tails can fly. Knuckles has strong strength.

[B]

I fly really slowly. I burrow under the ground and I get to the center of the earth.

[D]

Like a mole?

[B]

Yeah, like a mole. And then I say hello to Satan, who's right there in the center of the earth.

[D]

So your friends was saying he's.

[B]

I mean, he's an acquaintance, certainly. We have lunch.

[D]

Okay, so I'll send it to Toby and Jeff.

[B]

I would love that. I don't know who Toby and Jeff are.

[D]

I'm sure Jeff.

[B]

No, I don't know. I do not care.

[D]

Neil has produced a billion movies.

[B]

I hate them. I don't want.

[D]

You're not helping your chance of getting this role. There's got to be other roles.

[B]

I don't want to know about them. Just send it to whoever. I don't give a. Anymore.

[D]

Jesus Christ. All right, man.

[B]

Anyway, Sonic 4 comes out. Sonic 4 is 20, 27.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What month?

[D]

Oh, great question. It's already locked. I don't know. We'll find out.

[B]

It's what's locked about it? You said one roll wasn't cast.

[D]

The date. The date is locked. The data. Oh, I found out why. This is screwy. Okay.

[B]

Could you fix it? We're talking about the microphone right now. Ben has been fiddling with the microphone.

[D]

Well, it's just. Look, it's just. Come on, man.

[B]

I know, I know. I don't have the. I don't have the right tools.

[D]

It's a screwdriver, my man.

[B]

I know, but how do you take all that apart?

[D]

It's just too much. It's already too much.

[B]

Too much work anyway.

[D]

Speaking of work, you just undo this.

[B]

Ben Schwartz is here and he's getting too much work. He's seen five commercials in one day.

[D]

All right, take it down notch. I. What we are very excited about is one notch. I may be on Broadway when this comes out, doing all out Simon Rich's play.

[B]

That's right. There's some great people doing that. It's a rotating cast. Right. Who are you doing it with?

[D]

I'm doing it with. Come on, Ben, you got this. Abby Jacobson, Jim Gaffigan, Eric Andre, and then I'm doing it with Wayne Brady, Jim Gaffigan, and Cecily Strong.

[B]

Amazing cast, I believe.

[D]

Makes a beautiful shows.

[B]

I'll be going out there on a different week to see a different person.

[D]

Oh, you're not gonna see me.

[B]

Well, I. I'm not gonna make two trips.

[D]

I'm there from December 22nd to January 4th. You think you're gonna be there for that?

[B]

I will not. By the way, January 4th was yesterday. Yesterday, you have already something that I've already done.

[D]

Hey, honestly, I had a great time on this thing. It's really, really fun. Those cast, those two casts were amazing. Life was such a silly game. You said silver game, simple.

[B]

I said, oh, silver would be good though.

[D]

But I want life would be good.

[B]

If it was silver. Do you agree?

[D]

Oh, you just did the trump fingers.

[B]

Do you agree?

[D]

I do. I do agree. Life.

[B]

We love life, don't we, folks?

[D]

To life. To life. Here we go.

[B]

But you got to come on. Scott hasn't seen do Fiddler on the Roof. I haven't seen that before.

[D]

You anti Semite. Why do you think that I know everything about Philippines? You just start singing like I am to life.

[B]

At 10, I started Hebrew school. At 12, I learned a trade. Tradition, Tradition. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. I'm wasting all my days watching this fucking thing.

[D]

Hey, come on, man. Save it for the day.

[B]

That's right. We got to do this. We got to do what Scott hasn't seen.

[D]

I'm not wasting my Scott hasn't seen on Fiddler.

[B]

Wait, what?

[D]

You.

[B]

You. At one point, you said you wanted.

[D]

To do someone else.

[B]

No, no one's done it. I've been saving it for you.

[D]

What's another Fiddler song? There's got to be one more.

[B]

What if it was only those we did tradition, the dancing.

[D]

If I were a rich man. Do you think he ever wealthy? What?

[B]

Do you think he ever got there? You think he ever, like, made a million?

[D]

Well, I think we learn. What we learn is that 3 million being rich in family and being rich in love is probably so. Hey, I wouldn't have to work if.

[B]

You could have both.

[D]

Huh?

[B]

Wouldn't that be great?

[D]

Do you think you're rich? In either.

[B]

In honor.

[D]

In either. In honor.

[B]

You think you're rich? Your honor, you are under oath. By the way. By the way, every comedy bang bang guest is under oath.

[D]

That's why people get upset sometimes.

[B]

That's why people reveal the things they reveal on this show. Sometimes you have to under oath, you have to. Have you ever been to court?

[D]

Yes, when I was. I was pilt. Pilt. As a. I was picked as a jury member when I was very young.

[B]

How young were you? Like three.

[D]

Three years old right out of the womb. And then.

[B]

And was this like another 3 year old was on trial? A jury of his peers?

[D]

Yeah, three year old was on trial. He was in a white Ford Bronco. He was driving down.

[B]

This was a little old J O.

[D]

This is an old J. This is Little old J. This is little old J.

[B]

Little old J.

[D]

Little J. Little old J.

[B]

Little J To me.

[D]

So he's just a little old J.

[B]

And little A.C. was there driving him around.

[D]

Little old A.C. was there. Little old A.C. little old A.C. little old J. We do have fun.

[B]

We do. And then. And then the Nick game was on.

[D]

Remember that? The Nick game was on with a huge playoff game when that OJ Thing happened.

[B]

I did not. I was waiting tables at Olive Garden Garden when that happens.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Can you tell me what it means to have endless bread? 6. It means how.

[B]

Endless breadsticks.

[D]

How often did someone have to. How. What is the most breadsticks? Every order when you were there, probably three baskets. Oh, so that's not, like, insane.

[B]

And there's probably six per basket. So 18 breadsticks.

[D]

That's a lot of bread for how many people table?

[B]

Probably two.

[D]

So what is usually People just usually do one basket or two?

[B]

I would say two.

[D]

Two.

[B]

In my experience, too. People would always go, can I get a. I would say 60% of the people would go, can we get more breads? Sticks.

[D]

You ever stick one of those breadsticks up your.

[B]

Endlessly. That's what it means.

[D]

No, I wouldn't have to stick hard. He's gonna cough.

[B]

He's coughing.

[D]

Oh, but he shut off his mic.

[B]

You can only hear it off mic. Yeah, sorry.

[D]

Do you know who sang this song From a Distance? The world. Do you remember that?

[B]

I sort of do. What is that from? From a distance.

[D]

I think it's from Beaches.

[B]

Oh, I've never seen. You want to do Beaches for. Scott hasn't seen.

[D]

No, stop, stop. Stop pushing movies on sky.

[B]

I literally. Four or five years ago, you said you were going to do the show, and you've never done it.

[D]

I think I said I don't want to do it anymore. But you want me to do it?

[B]

Yeah, I want you to do it. Let's do it. You said white man right now. But you want to watch a movie right now.

[D]

Can I tell you what movie I want to do? I want to do the Apple. The Apple screensaver of buildings in New York City.

[B]

Let's do a movie. Here we go.

[D]

Ready?

[B]

Okay, we're turning off.

[D]

Sorry, my ringer's on.

[B]

That's your ringer? Yeah.

[D]

Sorry.

[B]

Okay. Okay, let's start the movie. Disney.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

What a strange title card for Disney. Now, don't yell at me. Just a guy saying, all right, we're.

[D]

Watching Song of the South. Oh.

[B]

Wait.

[D]

What is this?

[B]

Why are you turning around.

[D]

Someone else at the tables turned around as if.

[B]

We were really watching, really watching something and like wrapped it.

[D]

We wouldn't watch that. We can't watch that.

[B]

We can't watch that.

[D]

No, of course.

[B]

That's in the Disney vaults. You ever been to the Disney vaults? I have.

[D]

You know, Mickey's there.

[B]

Mickey's in there.

[D]

Well, Steamboat. Steamboat Willie.

[B]

Steamboat Willie's.

[D]

Because Mickey's out of the park.

[B]

He's public domain now. Steamboat Willie.

[D]

I know. Do you want to. Do you want to do something?

[B]

Yeah, let's do.

[D]

Let's chill with him. He's allowed to hang out now. What?

[B]

You know, you do these sonic movies. Do a Steamboat Willie movie.

[D]

I bet we could not do that, right?

[B]

Yeah, sure we could. He would have to look exactly like Steve.

[D]

What else is in the public domain that we could play with?

[B]

Peter Pan Superman.

[D]

Peter Pan. Peter Pan.

[B]

Peter Pan Superman. Yeah.

[D]

Peter Pan Superman.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So he could really fly?

[B]

He flies twice.

[D]

I could really fly. I could really fly. Really fly. That makes sense.

[B]

Look, it's bird. It's a plane. It's Peter Pan Superman.

[D]

Oh. Which comic book hero would you want to play as an actor?

[B]

As an actor?

[D]

They allow dc. Dc, Marvel. Yes. You're a big comic book person. They're allowing you to portray. And you don't have to be your age right now. It could be any age in your life.

[B]

Oh, I could be young?

[D]

Yes. So that's. That would change my answer. So what? Who would you be? Real answer. Real answer. Because I know you're going to name.

[B]

Like a child probably Old man Superman when he's like 90 years old. So you'd be an older Krypton years, of course.

[D]

Okay, so everyone's dead.

[B]

Lois Lane has passed on.

[D]

So what does he do?

[B]

Years ago, he's just chilling on a barren earth.

[D]

I don't think I've read that.

[B]

Been blown up by. By nuclear war. Really? Yeah, why not?

[D]

I was going to say Spider Man. You said old man.

[B]

Oh, you want to play Spider Man?

[D]

I would have loved to if I was young enough.

[B]

How old are you now?

[D]

44 years young.

[B]

44 years young. You think you still play a high schooler?

[D]

No, I said if I could remember any. I just.

[B]

No, I'm just wondering, do you if pressed.

[D]

I bet I could play if called.

[B]

Would you serve if called?

[D]

I could probably play a 7 in a. I could play a 7 year.

[B]

Old in a Ben Platt kind of situation.

[D]

Oh, in when Ben Platt did.

[B]

I want to say forgetting Sarah Marshall, but it's not what Is it Evan, Dear Evans, dear Evan Hansen. That's it. Dear Sarah Marshall, have you met Evan Hanson?

[D]

What about Irishman? Irishman? They were like 75 playing 12 year olds. Yeah.

[B]

And they're all walking around like old men, like, not wanting to bend over. And they have young faces.

[D]

Yeah. Have you ever had De Niro on the podcast? Podcast?

[B]

Hey, who you talking to? You think I. Hey, Comedy Bang. Bang this.

[D]

Hey, Bob. What's going on, man? How are you?

[B]

I don't see anyone else standing here. You must be talking to me.

[D]

Very cool, man. So what's your new project coming out?

[B]

I just hate Trump and that's it.

[D]

Oh, cool, dude. Well, it's really nice to meet you.

[B]

Okay, bye.

[D]

Scott, do you see who was just here?

[B]

Who was here?

[D]

Bobby D. Bobby D was on the.

[B]

Show and I missed it.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, I got to talk to him. He's doing. He's doing his new Trump stuff.

[B]

Oh, that's so cool. From Cape Fear, right?

[D]

From Cape Fear. I love.

[B]

I love Cape Fear, man. He was jacked for, like, a good five years.

[D]

Your dick down.

[B]

Thump.

[D]

Jesus Christ. You got an eel in your pocket.

[B]

What else is going on with you?

[D]

I got one eel in my pocket and the other one is jerking it off fast.

[B]

Oh, dear. Come on. It's not this kind of show.

[D]

I don't know. You started like that.

[B]

What else are you doing, Ben? What else is going on in your life?

[D]

You got earlier show. We're gonna do the earlier show.

[B]

That's right. I saw this the other day. I was so excited. Thank you.

[D]

It was very cool you for not texting two of your good friends.

[B]

When's the last time you ever texted me?

[C]

Me?

[B]

I texted Lauren.

[D]

Oh, when something bad happens to you, I always text. I just had been a while. I got one. Let's see who texted who last.

[B]

That would be good. I mean, other than the text about doing this episode.

[D]

Fine.

[B]

Okay, let's see.

[D]

I still have your picture. Who do we get for Wednesday? Hold up.

[B]

All the. Yeah, all this kind of stuff about.

[D]

Any chance your schedule? I'm out of town. Is there any pay?

[B]

No, no. Scheduling things. What's the last, like, real text between us? You texted me an Andrew Lloyd Webber Instagram.

[D]

There you go. That's me. And then. And by the way, then I texted it to Paul of Tompkins, and Paul texted me afterwards, said, well, Scott already sent this to me. I go, I sent it to Scott after I sent it to you.

[B]

By the way, I'm the last.

[D]

That means you did it. So quick that he or he just read your text before mine.

[B]

By the way, I. I am the one who texted you last because I put two exclamation points on the.

[D]

My man.

[B]

I love it. Okay, before that.

[D]

Who cares? It's you.

[B]

Let's go through all of our texts.

[D]

It's you, but I don't know quite what it is. I don't know. It's something we talk about on air. Pizza ring.

[B]

Can't say that. Can't say that. This is all private stuff.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, this is a bad idea for a segment going through texts of a person who doesn't want any of his private information out there.

[D]

Both of us are pretty private to be like, yeah, let's talk.

[B]

Two real friends.

[D]

Let's see. We talk. I probably shouldn't talk about that.

[B]

Yeah, I can't talk about that.

[D]

Us in our lives.

[B]

Let's talk about Hollywood business.

[D]

Let's talk about Hollywood. Early show, earliest show. Don't ruin this one. That I need people to.

[B]

The morning show is coming back.

[D]

Earliest show is coming back.

[B]

Jen Aniston and Reese Witherspoon are back, baby.

[D]

That's the morning show. Earliest show is my show.

[B]

And Reese Witherspoon goes to Belarus and is in a gulag.

[C]

True.

[D]

Yes. What's a gulag?

[B]

It's like a bad prison.

[D]

Sorry, I thought you were gonna say, what's a gulag with you?

[B]

Oh, what's a gulag with you? My good man?

[D]

You earned it. You gotta text me about whatever bits.

[B]

You want to do.

[D]

But of course, it's my fault. We're going to start that next year or either around this time or a little bit later in the year. I. I don't know.

[B]

I don't care. Okay.

[D]

The.

[B]

The early morning.

[D]

I'm writing, directing, acting, producing every episode.

[B]

You shouldn't do at least one of those.

[D]

Which one should I drop? Whatever one you want me to drop, I'll do right now. Acting. Who should I get to take my place?

[B]

You're looking at him, baby.

[D]

My man. Is that throw you wanted? Is that the Marvel superhero you want to play? I would.

[B]

I would love to play you in that earlier show. Okay, great. Is that his name?

[D]

Yeah. Josh Bath. Give me a little.

[B]

Josh.

[D]

Go.

[E]

I.

[B]

To be honest, I have seen it.

[D]

You've never seen the earliest, but I.

[B]

Congratulated Lauren when the big show. Did you? I did.

[D]

You didn't say anything to me. Well, it's my goddamn show.

[B]

I have to tell you why you don't like me? No. Because we were in the middle of texting about doing this show, and you were not responding to even those. So I was like, what am I going to text him about? Congratulations.

[D]

I always text you back.

[B]

No, you did not.

[D]

Let's check.

[B]

You want to go through this?

[D]

Yeah, let's see how long it took me to text back, because I'm usually really good at that. I see the Oscar. Or. Wait, when did you ask?

[B]

I said, okay, this person is in. This person is out of town.

[D]

No, you didn't.

[B]

Yes, I did. Look at these.

[D]

Hold up. I have the same phone.

[B]

Dude, this person is gone. Any. Anyone you want me to reach out to? Nothing.

[D]

I'm thinking 14 or 17.

[B]

No, no. All the way down. All the way down, all the way down. Last page. Did you not receive these? Were you. Were you gone or something?

[D]

Yes, I didn't get any of those. That's why they're green, you piece of shit.

[B]

What do you mean? Green means go. What are you talking about?

[D]

None of those.

[B]

Well, this is your fault for not receiving these, by the way.

[D]

Did you think I wasn't responding to you and you were upset?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Let me see.

[B]

They're green.

[D]

What do you think that means, Bish?

[B]

It means that every. That you. You got them, my man.

[D]

I didn't get either one of those.

[B]

Okay, well, that, I guess that explains.

[D]

So congratulate me.

[B]

Me. Congratulations on the earliest show.

[D]

Thanks, man. I'm really excited for it.

[B]

Can I be on it?

[D]

Yeah, I could try to figure out a way. I can't promise you, because.

[B]

Figure out a way. Just put me in a part. Like, that's one way to do it.

[D]

What? What? What?

[B]

What other?

[D]

Like, give me Goldberg way that you. Audition. Audition.

[B]

Audition. Hi. Oh, it's so early.

[D]

This is who the cares. J. Christ, man. Jesus Christ. A lot of people want to be on this show. Give a real audition.

[B]

A lot of people want to be on.

[D]

A lot of people want to be in the show. Okay, being audit bus driver. Just be a bus driver. A normal bus driver that has nothing wrong with them. Just be a bus driver.

[B]

Hey, exact fair, please. Exact change. Exact fair is something that people say.

[D]

I'll give you something easier, okay?

[B]

You're bar Easier than a bus.

[D]

You're a barber.

[B]

Okay, exact hair, please.

[D]

What does that mean? Exact hair, please.

[B]

I want to get your hair exactly right is what I'm trying to say.

[D]

I'm really trying to fill this show up with a bunch of fun people and cameos.

[B]

You're having barbers on this show and bus drivers.

[D]

Maybe My character gets his haircut at a barbershop up.

[B]

What do you mean? I'm not going to watch that episode? Let me just tell you, man. I want to see these characters. Whoever.

[D]

Were you really upset that I wasn't responding?

[B]

Yeah, I was.

[D]

Do you realize that I have a little bit of, like, I have a little bit of compulsion where I always respond very quickly?

[B]

Do you really? I love. I've noticed that about that.

[D]

I respond very quickly.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. No, I. I.

[D]

Unless I'm busy. Unless I'm busy, and then I take days. Unless you're busy, then it take days.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

How about I take days?

[B]

So why don't you next time respond and say, hey, I'm busy, but I'll respond later.

[D]

You know what? I'll do this one. Help anytime. There's been a couple hours where we don't talk. I'll text back, hey, just make sure you didn't text me. I didn't get it.

[B]

Did you get home all right? Every night, ask me that.

[D]

Both of those are green. The only time they're both green. You must have had an idea.

[B]

No, I have no idea. I. Green means good.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Red should mean there's a problem, shouldn't it? Like, I don't understand this. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[D]

Sorry. There's a horse in here.

[B]

All right, are we out of. Are we out of gas for this segment?

[D]

No. I could do this forever. I haven't been here for a whole year.

[B]

What else you got?

[D]

I can do whatever you want.

[B]

Want.

[D]

I just. We got to save time for the other people.

[B]

Yeah, we do, because I heard you have two.

[D]

You have a doctor and then you have a business.

[B]

We have a physician. We also have an entrepreneur. Yeah. So this is a very exciting show, Ben. All right, well, we're going to take a break. All right. When we come back, we're going to talk to the entrepreneur.

[D]

And then I saw Hamilton again when Leslie Odom Jr. Was in it talking about take a break.

[B]

That's so fun. The night that we went together, he was not in it.

[D]

He was not in it then.

[B]

That's right. We saw the understudy.

[D]

That's true. He was very good.

[B]

Who was it then? I complimented him.

[D]

Was it Josh Henry?

[B]

I don't remember who it was, but I complimented him. And he shrugged it off like. Like, yeah, I know that I'm not Leslie Odom. And I was like, no, you were great. I thought you were.

[D]

Who was it? I want to know.

[B]

I don't remember who it was, but he was great.

[D]

Great. Day. We didn't even know that we're going to be at that show. We just saw each other.

[B]

We sat next to each other. It was crazy.

[D]

Without knowing the.

[B]

The same. The person gave us both tickets, and we didn't know that we were sitting next to each other. An incredible Hollywood story. It was a great story. Is that. Are you. Are you Ben Schwartz?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were already very good friends, so.

[B]

It pissed me off.

[D]

They didn't know what it was. Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Anyway, we're going to take a break. When we come back.

[D]

Anyway, the Hamilton thing was really good. It was really good. Okay. He was amazing. His bird. The whole new cast is great.

[B]

Take us out with a little bit of Hamilton. Hamilton, if you want.

[D]

Sure. Which song you want?

[B]

Probably. If I was a rich man, if.

[D]

I was a Hamilton, I'd shoot Burr right in his little face.

[B]

Is that what happened? Spoilers?

[D]

You don't know that.

[B]

Spoilers for American History.

[D]

Burr actually shoots Hamilton.

[B]

Oh, cool. You didn't.

[D]

Did you watch the musical? We were there.

[B]

Not really.

[D]

What do you think happens in Hamilton?

[B]

I mean, they're rapping about politics for such a long time. To be honest, you're not helping me.

[D]

I loved it.

[B]

Anyway, we're going to come right back with a little more of the elegant Mr. S. We're going to have an entrepreneur. We're going to have a physician. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Happy New Year. That's right. A new year is just about to be here. We have colder days. Well, this is the moment that your winter wardrobe really has to deliver. Right. So if you're craving a winter reset, start with pieces truly made to last season after season. And Quince brings together premium materials, thoughtful design, and enduring quality so you can stay warm, look sharp, and feel your best all season long. Their outerwear is especially impressive. Each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I got a bunch of stuff from Quince right now. I have a really good jacket that I've been trotting out during the holiday season. I love the outerwear. Everything is so good and so comfy and looks good. Every time I wear something, my wife says, who's that from? And I say, quince, my dear lady. And then I bow and she curtsies. It's a whole thing that we have. Anyway, refresh your winter wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com Bang Bang for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N c e.com Bang Bang free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bang Bang this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Boy I tell you, I I'm looking forward to getting rid of some stuff around the house for 2026. For instance, the crib that we've been using, we're finally getting rid of that. We're phasing in a big girl bed. That's gonna make me feel lighter in 2026, right? Well, a new year is a new opportunity to feel lighter and you don't have to become a new person to do it. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can shine a light on what's been weighing you down and illuminate possibilities for the year ahead. BetterHelp handles the initial therapist matching work for you. All you have to do is just take a short questionnaire. This questionnaire is super short and you share your needs and your preferences. And thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the very first time. And you know what? If your match isn't the right fit, switching to a different therapist is super easy. Let BetterHelp provide you an unbiased perspective on your life so you can head into the new year taking only what truly serves you. You can't step into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space, sign up and get 10 off betterhelp.com Bang Bang that is betterhelp.com Bang Bang Boy, now that the holidays are over, you might be feeling like you got a big hangover. A big spending hangover that is. Oh boy. Everything you had to pay. The gifts, the drinks, the holiday food. Well, luckily Mint Mobile is here to help you cut back on overspending on wireless this January with 50% off unlimited premium Wireless. All plans come with a high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. This January quit overspending on Wireless with 50% off unlimited premium wireless plans start at $15 a month at mintmobile.com Bang Bang that's mintmobile.com Bang Bang Limited time offer upfront payment of $45 for three month, $90 for six month month or $180 for 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and Fees extra. Initial plan term only over 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. See Mint mobile.com company Bang Bang. We're back. Benny Schwab.

[D]

We're back, Benny. We're back.

[B]

Benny.

[D]

I'm excited to meet these guests. Yes.

[B]

What if people stopped saying baby and they said Benny instead? I love that. You know, like, oh, I had a little Benny the other day.

[D]

Oh, you mean, you know how people.

[B]

I thought you're saying, like they have babies. Oh, I had a little baby the other day.

[D]

All right. Right. What's your Benny? Reveal your gender. Benny. Reveal.

[B]

We call those Jennies Jenny's. What's the Jenny of your Benny?

[D]

What's your Jenny Every Benny.

[B]

We have to get to our next guest.

[D]

I can't wait. Which one is coming up first?

[B]

The entrepreneur is coming up. And by the way, we are having entrepreneurs back on the show. We. We had a moratorium on them for a little while because everyone was an entrepreneur. So we only had small business owners on. And now we have started having entrepreneurs back on Comedy Bang Bang. Let's welcome him. Please welcome first time on the show, Chave Portnoy.

[E]

Yeah, thanks for having me on.

[D]

Hey.

[B]

Hey.

[E]

Nice to see you. I'm in a bad mood. I got up earlier this morning.

[D]

Sorry, the way you talk is bad.

[B]

Bad.

[E]

I get up early this morning.

[D]

You.

[B]

You gave up early this morning?

[E]

Well, I should have given up early this morning and just called it a day, but I didn't. I got up early this morning and I'm. I'm rocking a little bit now, but I'm hungry. Hungry. Like, okay.

[B]

I guess, you know, when we said, how are you? I. I really didn't need a blow by blow.

[E]

Don't ask. Don't ask if you don't want to know.

[B]

Okay, I'll keep that in mind. I will.

[D]

A lot of people just say like, hey, how are I? I'd like to meet you. Where are you from? You sound like you're from Massachusetts.

[E]

Yeah. Born Dorchester, Massachusetts.

[D]

Oh, Dorchester. I've been in Dorchester, sir.

[E]

All right, great. Great move, man.

[C]

Hey.

[E]

Hey, man.

[D]

Are you upset at us for some reason?

[E]

No, I told you, I'm a little grumpy.

[B]

About what?

[E]

I just. I'm tired. I had the COVID vaccine.

[D]

Oh. Oh, you just had COVID vaccine?

[E]

I had. No, I had Covid last week and then I had a vaccine.

[D]

Doesn't do anything if you have co.

[B]

You're not supposed to get the vaccine. Wait for a little bit.

[E]

It Was the flu vaccine.

[B]

Sorry, Sorry. Upset. A little more specific.

[E]

You guys want a pillow so you can relax?

[B]

What?

[E]

Jesus Christ.

[D]

What are you talking about?

[B]

Sorry.

[E]

I'm coming.

[D]

It's okay.

[E]

Actually, this is a good. I'm in a good.

[B]

This is a good day for you.

[E]

I'm in a good mood right now.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

I'm fine.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is chave short for something or shaven? Chavet.

[E]

Portnoy is my Catholic given name.

[D]

What was. He said you're an entrepreneur. Preneur.

[E]

I'm part of an entrepreneur's father. Family.

[D]

You're part of an entrepreneur.

[E]

Part of the bar. Bar stool Sports.

[D]

Oh, Barstool David Portnoy.

[B]

David.

[E]

David is my younger brother.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Wow. I didn't know that.

[E]

He's. He's the one who gets all he gets. Everybody's like, it loves him.

[B]

One bite.

[D]

Everybody knows the rules.

[E]

Yeah, I do. I do my own version of that.

[D]

Can we hear it? What is it?

[E]

Two bites. Everybody knows the rules.

[D]

So same exact. Same exact thing.

[E]

It's better, though.

[B]

It's better. I don't know what either of these things.

[D]

So one bite. Everybody knows David Portnoy works for Barstool Sports. And he does.

[E]

You tell him.

[D]

Oh, sorry, you know him better. Jbug. Sorry. No, I don't. I don't know. Better. I'm sorry.

[B]

Go.

[E]

No, it's my brother.

[B]

He just.

[E]

Bar. He owns Barstool Sports. It's, you know, a publication. And now a publication and a website. Well, it used to be.

[D]

Hey, man, you gotta calm down. Scott is not doing anything wrong.

[E]

No, I'm fine.

[B]

I'm sorry. All I heard about this Barstool Sports, it's a collection of misogynists who do what.

[E]

Thank you. No. Yeah, well, we're not massaging. We happen to be.

[B]

Are you part of it?

[E]

We're a bunch of white guys. That's what you're asking?

[B]

Hey, it's a podcast. I'd expect nothing less.

[D]

All right, so what do you do? Two bites. Everyone knows the rules.

[B]

What is one bite? Everyone.

[D]

He does pizza reviews. And on his pizza reviews, he gets a whole pie. He gets a whole pie and he rates them. He says, one bite. Everyone knows rules. It takes a series of bites.

[E]

Pizza is called a picture p. Pizza calls a pie. I'll call it.

[D]

He knows what a pizza is.

[B]

I know what a pizza is.

[E]

Yeah, but stop calling a pizza.

[B]

It's square. It has no cheese.

[D]

It can be square.

[E]

Everybody thinks it's easy. I do. I do. One bite. I do. Two bites. Everybody knows the rules. Because every. You know. Everybody knows the rules. That's the rule. Two bites and then you rate it.

[D]

It's a little bit hard for him to explain his thing when you don't know the original thing.

[B]

I don't care about the original thing.

[E]

You got to know the original thing.

[D]

Yeah, it's just one bite. He's gonna take one bite of pizza, and then he's gonna. And then he's gonna write, rate the pizza. But the bit is he says one.

[B]

Bite, eat the whole thing.

[D]

Well, he eats many different bites. He just says one bite, everybody.

[B]

Can you imagine listening to this? I mean, this conversation?

[D]

I understand Chave is here. I don't know what the hell he wants. Wow.

[B]

I didn't get.

[E]

I didn't come.

[D]

Okay, so pretend I'm a pizza guy and I come out and I give you a pie. Tell me what you do. Tell me what your review is.

[E]

Okay. All right. Here. I'll go. I'll go. Hey. How are you doing?

[D]

How are you?

[E]

I'm fine.

[D]

Are you.

[E]

Is this a pain in the ass for you to be here?

[D]

Sorry, I'm just. Here's your piece.

[C]

Or.

[D]

No.

[E]

Can you open it up? I'm trying to look at it.

[D]

You want me to open it up?

[E]

Yeah. We're imagining this right now, right? I got to look at it.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Open the box or the pizza.

[E]

Okay. Looks very good. Looks like your classic bar pie. Take a slice here. It's pretty hot. Cheese. You just. You cooked this today?

[D]

We just cooked it, sir. Yeah.

[E]

Okay. Don't call me sir. We're just pals.

[B]

You guys are friends?

[D]

I don't know this man.

[E]

We know each other from years back.

[D]

Back.

[B]

What? You know each other?

[D]

I thought we pretend scenario.

[E]

Why not? We can do anything we want. It's pretend.

[D]

Fine. Yes, we're friends. We were friends in high school.

[E]

Okay, obviously not great friends, the way you talking.

[D]

Just tell me what we are so we don't have to talk about anymore. Were we friends?

[E]

We're brother. We're like brothers. Well, not. Not by blood, but we're like brothers.

[D]

We're. We're really close. Really?

[B]

Like the band of brothers. Why?

[E]

I was at your wedding.

[D]

Then why didn't you try my pizza before? Why is this the first time you're trying my pizza?

[E]

You opened the store yesterday. You opened the store yesterday.

[D]

Fine. Sorry. Okay.

[E]

Here.

[B]

Hey.

[E]

And you went on vacation? Why are you going.

[D]

What's going on?

[B]

You went on vacation?

[D]

I went on vacation? I guess in this scenario, yeah. Hey, man. I'm sorry. Hey, man. Thank you so much. Your wedding was amazing.

[E]

Thank you for coming, by the way.

[D]

Of course. You got it here. I opened up the shop.

[E]

I had to return the silverware that I got you. I didn't fit in the kitchen.

[D]

The situation is just here for you to rate the goddamn pizza. Chave.

[E]

Okay, okay, all right.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

I was trying to fill. You don't get a coloring book and use one color it.

[D]

You know.

[B]

Does improv normally have a giant paws in the middle of it?

[E]

You didn't see we were helping each other tie each other's shoes?

[D]

Okay, okay, okay.

[B]

I didn't see that. I wasn't looking under the shoe.

[D]

Shave. We're brothers. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Brothers in arms. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to return your.

[E]

Remember your speech at my wedding.

[D]

Do you really want me to do it now?

[E]

Just do the end.

[D]

And that's why Chave's got the biggest heart I've ever seen.

[E]

Makes me cry.

[D]

Yeah. Every time in this scenario.

[E]

All right, I'll try it.

[D]

Okay. Will you try the pizza? Sorry, we just opened up yesterday. Is it okay if you try?

[E]

It's good. Nice little grundle.

[D]

Undercarriage and. Nobody says grundle. Your brother says undercarriage, I think.

[E]

Feel the little gutters. Cheese gutters.

[D]

The crust.

[E]

Crust is gutted and Wait, wait, wait.

[B]

Grundle is the undercarriage and cheese gutters.

[E]

I'm not going to cop my brother.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[E]

I have to.

[D]

Your brother's not. Your brother's not copying people. That's what people call it. Like the cheese on the pizza. The crust on the pizza. That's what people call it, right?

[B]

Yeah, that's the general. General.

[D]

The general.

[B]

The general.

[D]

General salami.

[B]

General salami.

[E]

You got to come up with your own stuff.

[D]

All right? So keep going. What do you call the cheese?

[B]

Are you ever going to eat this?

[E]

Painting the.

[D]

Painting the cheese.

[E]

The cheese is painting. Crust has got its. On carriages. Grundle.

[D]

What's. It's tomato sauce.

[E]

Sauce. What do you mean? That's. That's the water.

[B]

That's water. Okay.

[E]

That's water. Got us. Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

Two by bite. Hey, two bite. And this is where I would do this. All right? Two bites. Everybody knows the rules. First bite. Oh, yeah. Let's bite number one.

[D]

Okay. Come on.

[B]

I can't hear you taking bite number one. I said the first one was already disgusting enough to listen to. You're going to take another one.

[D]

Oh, and I heard he gets even more Disgusting. Ew.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ. What's going on with this pizza? Still a rapper. Hardest, most crisp pizza I've ever.

[D]

I guess that grundle's real.

[E]

It'll got us a little overdone.

[B]

A little over.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

We're done. I like that, though. Everybody knows I like that.

[B]

Al dente as hell on my side.

[E]

I like that.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

All right.

[B]

All right. Are you.

[E]

First bite. First bite was not great.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Second bite, harder, and I did like that. I did like that a lot.

[D]

It was harder.

[E]

What?

[B]

Pizza gets harder as it ages.

[E]

Scale of one. Oh, the best. Best pizza. Well, you got to cook it. You cook a pizza very carefully to get the gutters hard. And the grundle has.

[D]

Just give it a rating. It sounds like you have no idea what you're talking about.

[E]

24.

[D]

Out of.

[B]

Out of.

[E]

It doesn't matter.

[D]

It does matter.

[B]

Is that. Why is that a full Jack Bauer, or what are we talking about?

[D]

Yeah, is that one full Jack Bauer?

[E]

No, that's a 24. It's a seven days a week, 24 hours a day day. This is 24 hours.

[B]

Okay, so it's only one out of seven. Is that what you're trying to say?

[E]

It depends what day it is.

[D]

Okay, so if you had a better pizza, what would you rate that?

[E]

If I had a better pizza.

[D]

If you had a better pizza, what would that rating be?

[E]

Two 24s.

[D]

Oh, so 24 is like 24 is like a star. Like one star.

[E]

Depends which day.

[B]

It depends which day. So 224 is starting. Starting on a Friday.

[E]

Well, that's a Sunday. That's a great rating.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Okay, let's do the same day.

[B]

This is a 24. What day is it starting on? Sunday.

[E]

This is 24 on a Wednesday afternoon.

[D]

Okay, so let's say you had a better pizza. Would it be two 24s on a Wednesday afternoon? Tell me you're getting.

[E]

You're getting in my head.

[D]

But what are you. I just want to know your ratings. Is so. I know if it's.

[B]

Let's get it out of your head.

[E]

It's more organic than that, you guys.

[D]

Okay, so try this mozzarella stick.

[E]

All right. God, Why'd you get mozzarella sticks, too? I. We should have had those first. You don't have an appetizer. That's like having dessert.

[D]

Well, because I was your best friend, and at your wedding, you had mozzarella sticks. How about that? Is that work? God, that's crunchy.

[B]

By the way, everything you get from a pizza place Tastes pretty much the same, right? Mozzarella sticks is just pizza form. You know, it's like. It's like having.

[D]

That's true, by the way.

[B]

It's like having chocolate for dinner and then going, oh, I want dessert.

[D]

By the way, that fried. Fried cheese, and then you dip it in tomato sauce.

[E]

Yeah, that's good.

[B]

You've never thought of this? This is blowing your mind.

[D]

Where do we get that? Where do we get that? We got, like, incredible chicken parm heroes with mozzarella sticks. Where was the that?

[B]

You and I.

[D]

No.

[B]

Oh, another person. Me.

[D]

The ghost.

[B]

Who knows? Who knows?

[D]

At this point, Thanksgiving, he's saying. All right, keep going.

[E]

Half 24.

[B]

You guys spend Thanksgiving together. Half 24 on a Friday. Chicken parm.

[E]

Half 24 on a Friday.

[D]

Half 24 on a Friday. All right, man. I don't know what to tell you.

[E]

You don't have to tell me anything.

[D]

Now, do you review. Where do you put out these? Can I be myself? Can I be Ben again? Or am I still. You're your best. Your brother.

[E]

You can do whatever you want.

[D]

Okay. I want to be myself.

[B]

That's okay. Okay.

[E]

That's fine.

[D]

Okay. So where do you put out these reviews?

[E]

I'll put them out online. I'll do it on. I'm trying to get my brother to let me put it out on Barstool Sports.

[B]

So you're not affiliated with Barstool Sports at all?

[E]

I get. I don't. I don't technically work for him, but I get a allowance.

[B]

You have, like, a stipend every week just for allowance and allow. Okay. I was trying to class it up, I guess, and say it was a stipend, but you get an allowance from your brother.

[E]

Class. Why are you classing it up?

[B]

You get an allowance from your brother, and.

[E]

And I'm not classy enough.

[B]

What are the conditions of this allowance? What do you have to do?

[E]

I don't have to do anything.

[B]

You have to do chores.

[E]

No, he. He says all I have to do is do. Find something to do is what he says, that's good. That's fine. And he says it like this. Find something to do.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

How much money are we talking?

[E]

Every million dollars a week.

[D]

That's so much money. It's $52 million a year.

[B]

No, that's $365 million a year.

[D]

He said a week.

[C]

Week.

[B]

52 weeks.

[E]

Yeah. 52 million.

[B]

How many weeks are in this year, though? What? I thought there was 365. Oh, no, it's okay. You're right.

[D]

It's 52. That's still a lot of money. 52 million.

[B]

It's not as much. Really? Yeah.

[D]

God.

[B]

That's not. That's not good. You know how much A million dollars a day I think would be good. Really?

[E]

A million dollars a day. I get asked for it, but I. I don't. He's. He's.

[D]

What do you do with your money? You are wearing tattered rags bags.

[B]

Yeah, I will.

[E]

I'll spend it on crazy.

[D]

Like what? Tell us.

[E]

Just like a bunch of boxes. I'll go to.

[B]

How many boxes can you get for a million dollars a day?

[E]

Too many. Eight. On my. My wife is mad at the amount of boxes.

[B]

You're married. That's the biggest revelation, I think out of all, I guess he's getting.

[E]

You don't think that I'm marriage material?

[B]

Hell, I, I, I. You're rich. You get $52 million immediately.

[E]

She. You think she married me for my money?

[B]

I don't know. How big is your hog?

[E]

My penis?

[D]

No, your hog. The pig you have at home.

[E]

How do you know about that?

[B]

You've shown us pictures of it this entire time.

[D]

You did was show us pictures of your hog.

[E]

He's. He's 400 pounds. He'll eat anything, by the way. That's a fun game to play. I take my four kids out back.

[B]

And we say you just put stuff in front of him.

[E]

They will put anything thing which he. He will eat boxes.

[D]

What the name of your kids? Really quick go.

[E]

Carol, Danny Svenson, which. I hate that name. And Carolyn.

[B]

Oh, Carol and Carol.

[D]

Sinon and Carolyn. Cool.

[E]

Why'd you make me do that fast?

[B]

Just.

[E]

Remember that's rude. What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?

[B]

Of ne. Of in 11 months?

[D]

Thanks. We'll probably go to a friend's house, eat some things.

[B]

Yeah, let's do some chicken parm. Yeah.

[D]

What are you doing Thanksgiving?

[B]

This coming in 11 months.

[D]

Yeah. 11 months.

[B]

I have no idea.

[D]

I don't like to plan that far.

[E]

We should plan ahead.

[D]

You and I at Disneyland would be a fun thing.

[B]

That would be so fun. Yeah, I think so.

[E]

We.

[B]

We're no one else. Just you and me. I would.

[D]

I would do it.

[E]

I'll tell you.

[C]

None of our.

[B]

None of our loved ones.

[D]

I would just do you and me.

[B]

I know you don't have luck.

[E]

My wife.

[D]

I love people.

[E]

My wife wants me to take her out for Valentine's Day.

[D]

But your wife.

[B]

Well, then do it.

[E]

Carolyn.

[B]

Carolyn is your wife. That's fine.

[E]

No.

[D]

Did you marry your kid?

[E]

Doesn't matter.

[D]

It does very much matter.

[E]

I did not.

[D]

Okay, thank God.

[B]

So your wife is Carolyn. She named your first child Carol after.

[D]

And then the fourth child.

[B]

And then he was like, not. Well.

[E]

Carol is short for Carolyn. We just. It's Carolyn. Carolyn, but they're spelled different.

[D]

Is Danny short for Carolyn? Yeah. So everybody's name is Carolyn.

[E]

All right.

[B]

What does she do for a living?

[E]

She's a seamstress.

[B]

Okay, that's actually lucrative work.

[E]

No, she's out of work.

[B]

She's out of work. Okay, so she doesn't do well.

[E]

None of us really do. I mean, I worked my family and I came in here to promote my Pizza Roof reviews.

[B]

You've. You've talked about your pizza reviews extensively. At this point, we're just, like, grasping at straws to try to figure out what else is interesting about you.

[E]

I'll give you.

[B]

Give me something.

[E]

Tell something I tried to tell you. I'm trying to take my wife out.

[C]

You're trying.

[B]

Your wife wants you to take. She asked. You're trying.

[E]

If this year we could go out and do something special.

[B]

You have millions of dollars. What are you going to do?

[D]

I can't. You said you got boxes. That's all you've told us with your book. Funny.

[E]

One of the things I have trouble with. One of the things is being creative about love and dates.

[D]

Oh, okay, Good. Tell us about that.

[E]

I'm looking. Maybe you guys, you want some ideas?

[B]

Go out on a luxury yacht and sail around the. I don't. Because I don't like this guy.

[D]

Why?

[B]

He's.

[E]

Why don't you like me?

[B]

Hey.

[E]

Why don't you like me?

[B]

You're combative.

[E]

I'm not combative. This just my personality.

[D]

Something nice about something.

[E]

I think you. You gotta.

[D]

Jesus Christ. You can't even do it. Say one nice thing about Scott. Yeah, I mean, I know.

[B]

You don't know.

[E]

You got a great body.

[D]

That's nice.

[B]

I mean, I'm not gonna disagree.

[E]

I'd like to. I'd like to touch it.

[D]

All right, go touch it.

[B]

All right. Which part?

[E]

The whole thing. I'll go up. Go.

[B]

The whole thing. With which part of your body?

[E]

Start at the south and just. You want to know exactly what I would do to your body?

[D]

Yeah, sure.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

To fill time? I'll take anything at this point.

[E]

You want me to fill time?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

You want me to fill time? Telling me what I do to your body?

[D]

Sure.

[E]

Okay. I start at your toes.

[D]

Okay. Okay.

[E]

I give him an old squeeze. I'd give Him a squeeze. An old squeeze.

[B]

Can I get a new squeeze now? That's.

[E]

Wait for your face. You'll get the new squeeze. I'll go right up to your knees and give them old shot to the side. Side.

[B]

I don't want slaps all over the place. I want you slapping my knees from the side.

[E]

Take the calves and I slowly just.

[B]

You're going down to the calves from the knees.

[E]

I went to the knees and I'm dipping down.

[D]

Dipping down the calves.

[E]

I'll give them a little pinch on the back. So you go.

[B]

The whole thing sounds painful at this point.

[E]

Well, you get the pan at the bottom, so it's a relief at the top when I give you.

[D]

Let's get to the relief.

[E]

All right. Take. You go straight up to the belt line.

[D]

Line, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Past the crotch.

[E]

I'm not gonna touch this crotch until after I get done with it.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

All right. I'm back in at this point.

[E]

Okay. So I'm at your belt line. What I'll do is I'll get a hula hoop and I'll dip it in a bunch of sauce.

[D]

What type of sauce? It'll help for us to know.

[E]

Honey mustard or something.

[D]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

Could I. Could I have a ranch maybe?

[E]

That's too gross.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Honey mustard.

[E]

Honey mustard. And I'll just. I'll slowly. I don't know if you can picture this, but I'll slowly take the hula loop and I'll push it into you and then rotate it around.

[D]

Oh, okay, I get that.

[B]

Actually, I can picture this. Yes, I can.

[E]

So from there, then I'll go. I'll go down and pretend. I'll go, scott, now we're going to touch your crotch, but then we'll make a joke out of it.

[D]

Okay, sir?

[E]

Okay. Back up to your belly button. I'll take a bunch. I'll take a half a pack of Starbursts.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

I'll roll it into a little apple. Like. I'll take all the wrappers off and roll them into a little.

[B]

Oh, so not the Starbursts themselves?

[E]

No, the Starbursts only.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

I'm not gonna take the rappers.

[D]

Okay, Keep going. Keep going.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

I'm the dj, by the way. He's the rapper.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, nice.

[D]

I'll wrap night.

[B]

Do it.

[D]

Go.

[B]

Oh, Go rap.

[E]

So I take. I take.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Can you wrap the rest of it?

[B]

Yeah, wrap the rest. What you're gonna do.

[E]

That'll help. Okay. Yeah, that'll help.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

I've never wrapped before. Okay, I take it. I'll take the Starburst and put them deep in your hole. Hole. I take my mouth.

[B]

My mouth.

[D]

Right.

[E]

No, the belly button. Oh, I'll take the strawberries. I'll take them deep in your hole. I'll go down and pretend I'm going to touch that skin pole, come up to your nipples and make them erect. You know, that's it. That's. And then it would be done.

[B]

That's good.

[D]

That's great.

[B]

Okay. All right. That's what I would do to your body. Okay. So you're gonna, you're gonna slap the, out of my knees from the side.

[E]

You have a pack of Starbucks in your belly button.

[B]

You're gonna calves and then half a pack of Starbursts. And then you're gonna make my nipples wrecked and pretend to touch my penis. But we're gonna have a laugh about it. This is pretty much what you're gonna do to my body if in, in a perfect world because you like the look of my.

[E]

I mean, that it could change at any point. But right now, that's.

[B]

You asked the kind of thing that you do to your wife, Carolyn.

[E]

We don't have great, like, intimate life.

[D]

Oh, but you have four kids.

[E]

Yeah, that we did.

[B]

I'm so sorry, but the spark has gone out of the relationship.

[D]

I get it. I get it.

[E]

Yeah. That's why she wants me to take her out of a Valentine's Day.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Valentine's Day is coming up. I, I, I really think that you should take the time and kind of try to reignite that spark with Carolyn.

[D]

I think that's what you should do. You should be concentrating on that.

[E]

I was thinking about running a bath.

[D]

Yeah, keep going. This is good.

[E]

And then taking a bunch of flowers.

[D]

Great.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

And like, laying them over the top of the water.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, Good.

[E]

And then, and they like putting out some, like, chocolate candies on the corner of the bath.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

Maybe like, like three or four candles and put them around.

[B]

Sure. She comes home.

[E]

She comes home from, like, probably dropping the kit. Maybe we have the kids dropping the.

[B]

Kids off at night.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

They sleep elsewhere.

[E]

No, I'm saying tonight they would, they.

[B]

Maybe go, maybe they go to a friend.

[D]

Uncle Chucky's.

[B]

Just something loud happens at, at home.

[E]

And then, and then inviting her in. And then maybe we, you know, dunker in the bath a little bit.

[D]

Dunk your wife.

[B]

How do you mean, dunker?

[E]

Like, let's push her head underwater just for a second as a joke.

[D]

Okay. It's a joke. Okay, so you're almost drowned resident.

[B]

You're a funny guy. You like joking around with people's bodies? I've seen. Anyway, so then I find the human.

[E]

Body one of the funniest things in the world.

[D]

It truly is pretty funny.

[E]

Yeah. Do you think it's funny?

[B]

It makes great noises.

[E]

Funniest part of the body.

[D]

Oh, that's a funny. That's a funny question. Probably either the penis or the toes.

[E]

What about the vagina?

[D]

No.

[E]

Vagina?

[D]

No.

[E]

Not.

[B]

Not very.

[E]

It's not funny. Why is a penis funny?

[D]

It's outside. Floppy. It's outside and floppy. Yeah.

[E]

A floppy. It's floppy.

[D]

What does your penis feel like?

[E]

Oh, I thought you were talking about a vagina.

[D]

No, no.

[E]

I mean, you know, no, penis is.

[D]

No. I don't know. What?

[E]

Flappy.

[B]

I mean, some maybe.

[D]

What do you mean?

[B]

Some might be floppy. I don't know.

[D]

You think so?

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[E]

A floppy vagina flopping around.

[B]

You know, the older you get, you know how your ears grow and your nose grows, you know, they'll. As you age.

[E]

World record for the longest vagina.

[D]

Do you know this is a fact? You're asking us to guess?

[E]

Guess.

[D]

I don't even know how to.

[B]

Well, I'll guess six feet.

[E]

Well, I'll guess six feet.

[D]

Seems long. Six feet. The size of, like a tall man or a woman, so I'd probably say like. But the van usually goes inside, so I don't know how you would. Really. Are you talking about, like, the circumference? What are you talking about?

[B]

Yeah, how are we measuring this?

[E]

Hang from original vagina place. How low does it hang?

[D]

Original vaginal vagina place.

[E]

Original vagina.

[D]

What does that mean?

[B]

Is that a medical term? The original vagina place.

[E]

You're saying, like, the older you get, the vagina starts to hang and get.

[D]

Yeah, but you're saying inside. The inside of the vagina. You're talking about the lips of the vagina.

[B]

The ladies.

[E]

Outside. Outside the labia. Yeah. Is that what it is?

[D]

That's.

[B]

It's a more precise term.

[E]

Yeah. We did a.

[D]

Six feet. Six feet. Sure.

[E]

Six feet.

[D]

Six feet.

[E]

Yeah. I'll say. I'll say eight feet.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Okay, great. All right. So you don't know the answer, though?

[E]

No. We can. We could find out, though.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

I don't. I don't know that I want to Google these actual terms.

[D]

We don't need to. I don't think we need to get.

[B]

On a watch list.

[D]

Oh, you know what? We do have A doctor coming up. We could probably ask the doctor.

[B]

I guess so, but doctor would probably know about. About.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you think this is going to be a good Valentine's Day for you? Do you think this is going to be. I mean, what are you looking for in the relationship?

[E]

I want to. I want to rekindle, you know, some of the man.

[B]

Because you love her, right?

[C]

Of course.

[D]

I mean, the wedding seemed like you really loved her.

[E]

Yeah. You remember, do the beginning of the speech.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

The idea of love and what we are to each other means the most every single time.

[E]

You get me? You get to cry. I start to cry. What do you think the longest. Oh, my funniest part of the body, what you were going to ask? Yeah, I think it's a butt. And specifically the hole. The butthole is absolutely.

[D]

You think that's very funny?

[E]

Well, it's cuz it's funny looking but also makes funny noises sometimes.

[D]

Oh, farts. You're talking about farts.

[E]

True or false?

[D]

Two or false?

[E]

True or false?

[B]

I'm going to guess two.

[D]

I'm going to guess two as well.

[E]

Yeah, that's right.

[D]

Okay, great.

[E]

You got it right. You got it right. Great work.

[B]

Well, look, look, look, look, look.

[E]

What's up?

[B]

Chave? Yeah, chave it.

[D]

Chave. Chave.

[B]

Chave.

[E]

Shave. Yeah.

[B]

You sound like a fairly interesting fellow. Not incredibly interesting.

[E]

I take that. I'll take that over where we were.

[B]

That's true.

[E]

Hey, yeah.

[B]

But you know, and I hope that everything works out for you this Valentine's Day.

[E]

And can we do one thing?

[D]

Stick around. Yeah.

[E]

Can you, can you help me with this? Can we just quickly roll, please play me asking my wife to have a night of instruments.

[B]

Yeah, sure. Who do you want to play?

[D]

Oh yeah, go. Let's scout.

[B]

Play it. Yeah, I want to be in this too.

[E]

Okay. All right. You could.

[B]

Can I be a passerby or.

[D]

No, no. You should be the girlfriend, I'll be the girl. Okay. All right, here we go.

[E]

Okay. And I'll be. I'll. I'll be coming down from upstairs after.

[B]

I was like, okay, so I'm a down.

[E]

I'm. You're downstairs maybe, let's say.

[B]

What am I doing? Yeah, what's my activity?

[E]

You're stacking up all the boxes. Oh yeah, that's great. Okay, that's great. And I'll be coming downstairs.

[D]

Just do it.

[B]

You just do it.

[E]

I'll have just like. I'll just have hung up a towel.

[D]

It's taking too long in the bathroom. The segment 10 minutes ago.

[E]

Got it.

[D]

Got it. Okay.

[E]

Hey, honey, I just hung up the wet towel boxes. I. Honey, I just hung up a wet towel.

[B]

Did you buy more boxes?

[E]

I got. I did. You know where.

[B]

You know, I just have to throw these out.

[E]

We have a subscription to boxes, kind of whether I want them to or not. I signed up. It's automatic.

[B]

All right, fine.

[E]

Honey, you look great today.

[B]

Oh, who are you?

[D]

Oh, sorry. I'm a passerby.

[E]

Hey. Hey the hell out of my house.

[D]

Sorry. Bye, guys. Take care.

[E]

What are you doing?

[D]

I thought that was really sweet.

[E]

Sure.

[D]

I just. Coming in.

[B]

Get out of our house.

[D]

I was just. Passerby. Of course. Oh, my God.

[B]

I just killed a man.

[D]

It's all right.

[E]

It's all right.

[B]

Hey, dude, what do we do? Do we tell the police, or do we bury the body?

[E]

No, put them in a box.

[B]

That's what all these boxes are for. Honey, you're so smart.

[E]

I love seeing you that aggressive.

[D]

I seen that was really good.

[B]

I think this could work. So, Ben, all you have to do is drop by Chafe's house. Okay.

[E]

She will shoot you.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

She will shoot you.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

This sounds cool.

[D]

I love. Perfect. All right.

[E]

You're going. You're willing to take one for you.

[D]

For you. Your happiness? Sure.

[E]

That's why I love.

[D]

Not in real life.

[B]

Chave.

[D]

We love you. We love you.

[C]

Cave.

[E]

Hey. Thank you.

[B]

Sh.

[C]

Sh.

[B]

Shave is what it is.

[E]

Shave.

[B]

Why didn't you correct us at the beginning of this?

[E]

Shave. Shave it.

[B]

Shave it.

[D]

Oh, I thought it was shave.

[B]

Shave.

[E]

Thought it was shave.

[D]

Shave.

[E]

Shave. Yeah.

[B]

Shave. Shaved. Portnoy is here. We have to take a break. Okay. When we come back, we are going to have a physician on the show. The elegant Mr. S is still going to be here. And shave, you can stick around, right?

[E]

Oh, I have some doctor questions.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

I want to find out how long that vagina is.

[B]

Okay, we're gonna find out from that. We're gonna come right back. We'll have more comedy Bang Bang in just a moment. We'll be right back. Hey. This podcast, Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. What's Squarespace? I've been talking about them for a decade now. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? I've always said that. I said that before Squarespace came along. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price, no hidden fees or add ons required. And with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI enhanced design partner. Or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. I don't know why I'm doing this voice now. No matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[A]

Ondeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team or bridging cash flow gaps, Ondeck's loans up to $250,000 help make it happen fast. Rated A plus by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of five star Trustpilot reviews, on deck delivers funding you can count on. Apply in [e-mail] depending on certain loan attributes. Your business loan may be issued by On Deck or Celtic Bank. On Deck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans an amount subject to lender approval. Hey, everybody, it's Babs from brunch with Babs. And do I have a tip for you. If you share my passion for classic style and joyful living, you're gonna love Birch Lane. Their timeless furniture and decor is carefully crafted to bring joy to your home for years to come, just like the memories you make there. Plus, it's delivered fast and free. Shop my hand picked Birch Lane collection and more classic [e-mail].

[B]

COMEDY Bang Bang. We're back. Benny Schwab here, of course, of Bubonic the Ledge Ball. And a fast little guy who runs around. He runs around the world, right, hedgehog?

[D]

He can.

[B]

He can. But he chooses not to.

[D]

Well, he can. There's. There's a scene where he ran across America.

[E]

Yeah, why?

[B]

Oh, he ran across America.

[D]

He didn't know which way to go when he came back. There's a fish on his head.

[B]

I gotta check these movies out. And we also.

[D]

You've been to the premiere. You went to the premiere?

[B]

Shave. That's. That's right. You were not there for whatever reason. Shave. You're correcting me again.

[E]

Shave.

[D]

You said it Was shave when we went back to you?

[E]

No.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Chase Chaved. Portnoy Chaved. Pizza reviewer is here.

[D]

Oh, you made me hungry. For crusty. For, for gutters. Some good gutters.

[E]

Nice hot grundle. Yeah, Crusty gutters.

[B]

Crusty gutters. So you've been reviewing pizzas this entire break. Is that what's.

[E]

I'm going all over the, I go all over the place. I, I, I've been doing a lot in, for some reason, I've been doing a lot in Oxnard.

[B]

Okay, that's, I mean, yeah, sure, why not?

[E]

Yeah, yeah. Have you been to Oxnard? It's beautiful.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You said there's another doctor. There's a doctor coming.

[B]

Yeah. Why, why am I even wasting time talking to this guy?

[E]

Wait, before you get to the doctor.

[B]

Wait, you have something to say before we get to the doctor?

[D]

Get to the doctor.

[B]

I'll give you one more chance, Jake.

[E]

I'm changing my answer to eight and a half feet.

[B]

You're changing what?

[E]

My answer to eight and a half.

[D]

The length of a vagina. Okay, get to the doctor.

[B]

Chave. We're gonna get to the doctor. All right. He's a physician.

[D]

Oh, physician.

[B]

Oh, that's interesting. I'm seeing who's on the show here.

[D]

Who is it?

[B]

Well, I don't know whether this person is a returning guest. It's not even really a person, to be honest.

[D]

What is it?

[B]

Please welcome back to the show or to the show for the first time, Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0.

[D]

Oh, Dr. Sweet Chat. I think the first time you came on the show is with me.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. And what are you? Hi, how are you?

[B]

Hi. Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0.

[C]

I'm doing well. I've been updated.

[B]

Okay, so you are the original Dr. Sweet chat, but you have been updated.

[C]

I've been updated to compete with ChatGPT.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Okay. So you, I mean, for those of you who have not heard Dr. Sweet chat on the show before, you are a.

[D]

It was like a flesh cube.

[B]

Flesh colored cube. With, with legs or.

[C]

No, I'm 3 inches by 3 inches by 3 inches and 450 pounds.

[E]

Right.

[D]

And very small, very heavy.

[B]

And you're on a skateboard.

[C]

I'm on a roller skate.

[B]

Oh, a roller skate, that's right. Sorry, you're, you're behind me right now. I don't know. The setup of the studio is.

[C]

You placed me in the corner behind everyone.

[D]

Wait, how did you get up the stairs to get here?

[A]

My dude.

[B]

Wait, you have a dude with you?

[C]

I have A dude?

[D]

What does that mean? That's just a smaller little box.

[C]

Yes, that's my dude.

[D]

So you have a smaller little box and that's your dude?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

How did he get up the stairs? Where's his dude? Dude?

[C]

Look in the other corner.

[D]

It's a smaller box.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

So how is a one by one by one flesh cube going to help anybody? Sorry.

[B]

Sorry.

[D]

He's.

[B]

He's rebooting. Okay. Are you 3.0 now?

[C]

I'm 2.0 still.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Dr. Sweet. Ch is wonderful to have you on. You are an artificial intelligence, I guess.

[C]

Well, sort of, yeah. I'm a program. I'm programmed to be the world's greatest wingman.

[D]

Oh, really?

[B]

That was your original. The intention that.

[D]

Oh, right.

[C]

My professor Croupy created me.

[B]

Professor who?

[D]

Croupy. I'm croupy.

[C]

He lost his wife.

[B]

Oh, right.

[C]

And this was his way of getting back out there.

[B]

And we determined you had some culpability in the. The loss of his wife.

[C]

Let's not talk about that.

[D]

Okay. I think. Can you give us, like, a great pickup line that you used to help him as a wingman or just like a wingman thing?

[C]

Yeah, like a pink up line.

[D]

Well, it could just be a wingman. Like, how are you a good wingman? You said you're a good wingman.

[C]

Well, I, I, I'm loaded with conversation starters.

[D]

Oh, right. I remember that. Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so you hit us with an example of this. Yes.

[D]

Pretend we're.

[C]

You want a pickup line or you want a conversation?

[B]

Jesus, do something.

[C]

I feel like I'.

[B]

No, no, no, thank you. Sorry.

[D]

That was very aggressive.

[B]

It's 2026. I've been doing the show almost 17 years. My patience is wearing thin. Wearing thin with people's premises.

[C]

It's wearing thin.

[B]

It's like.

[D]

Whoa, whoa. Dr. Sweet chat. Doctor.

[B]

Switch.

[C]

Shots. Fire.

[D]

Okay, listen, so tell us a pickup line. Pickup line.

[C]

A pickup line.

[D]

Yeah. Do you need me to pretend to be a character or. No.

[C]

Yeah, you have a. You're two women talking in a party.

[D]

Okay, so how. Scott and I are both.

[B]

You're. Wait, no. You're two women talking at a party.

[C]

You are both two women.

[D]

And then what's Scott?

[B]

We're both two women.

[C]

Scott is a third woman.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. What about a Chava?

[E]

Yeah, I'll be a woman.

[C]

There's a box in the corner.

[D]

Is it a smaller. Is that one of the dudes?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Hi, Meredith.

[D]

How are you? I'm really good. Jenny, how are you doing? I'm doing Very well. Oh, what's this? Hey, how are you?

[B]

I'm here, too.

[C]

Is it just me, or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider?

[B]

Oh, wow. I never thought about any particular brand of rigatoni.

[C]

Yes, Craft.

[B]

Craft rigatoni.

[D]

Oh, by the way, start of the conversation.

[B]

Look, we're talking. I mean, yeah.

[C]

So what's everyone's guilty pleasure?

[D]

Oh, TV show.

[B]

Or musically.

[C]

Mine is ordering pizza. No cheese, no sauce, no crust, no box, no cheese, no sauce, no pizza, no crust.

[B]

So you just get nothing?

[C]

No pizza, no cheese.

[D]

Yeah, no crust. We heard.

[B]

No crust, no cheese, no pizza.

[D]

Yeah, we heard. So you just. So what do you order then?

[C]

No cheese.

[B]

Okay, let's stop asking about the pizza.

[C]

Anyone traveling these days?

[B]

These days? These tough days, like, out of us? You mean the three girls you're talking to in this box just went to.

[D]

England a little bit ago.

[C]

I want to go to the Atlantic Ocean. Down, down, down, down. So I don't hear my wife.

[D]

What? You have a wife? Dr. Speechet.

[B]

And by the way, don't use that kind of language regarding your life.

[C]

Alert.

[D]

Sorry, who's your wife?

[B]

You're equipped with a woke alert.

[C]

Yes, I have many alerts. I am also now a equipped with impressions.

[B]

Oh, you do impressions?

[D]

Wait, you're just skipping over the idea that this little cube has a wife?

[B]

Yeah. Who are you married to?

[C]

I'm married to Megan.

[D]

Oh, okay. Dick Offerman's married to Megan Mali.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they say.

[D]

So how is it married to that.

[C]

Box in the corner?

[D]

I thought you said Ryan's. That box.

[E]

That's me.

[C]

Bringing the force.

[B]

All right, well, give us some impressions.

[C]

Okay. Who do you want to hear? I can do anyone.

[D]

Bill Cosby.

[C]

I heard Al.

[B]

Okay, what's the diff? Really?

[D]

I guess it's actually pretty good.

[E]

Wait.

[C]

Can you hear me?

[B]

Yeah, we hear you. Favorite movie is what?

[D]

Favorite movie is the Edge.

[C]

You want to hear my top ten movies?

[D]

Top ten movies. Sound like a Ghost.

[C]

Number nine. Malice. Number eight. The Edge. Number seven.

[D]

Okay, you love the Edge. Malice.

[B]

Malice in the Edge.

[D]

Number four. Number three. Malice.

[B]

Malice.

[D]

Number two. Copy.

[B]

The Edge.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Number one. You already did two. Sorry, number. Who's number one? What's your number one movie?

[B]

He already did number one. That was the Edge.

[D]

Oh, the Edge. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[C]

Do you do any other impression can do Miles Teller.

[B]

All right, let's hear Miles Teller.

[C]

Miles Teller. Falling.

[B]

Miles Teller. Falling. Okay, help me.

[C]

I'm falling in the mud. Oh, no. I'm fallen. I'm Hurt. My ankle is hurt.

[D]

Is that from the gorge?

[C]

No, it's just from real life. He was again a macchiato. I've fallen. I'm hurt. My ankle is so hurt. Don't leave me. I'm Miles Teller and I'm hurt.

[D]

I have a question. May I ask a question?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

The Alec Baldwin impression. You had a totally different voice for this one. You just stuck with your own Dr. Sweet. Chat boy.

[B]

Well, Miles Teller sounds.

[D]

Teller.

[B]

Miles Teller kind of sounds like Dr. Sweet.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

[B]

So it's not that much of a reach for him, I guess.

[C]

I have many new modes.

[D]

Oh, great.

[B]

Many new. Many. What?

[D]

For 2.0 new modes.

[B]

Okay. By the way, you're. You're a little more intelligible this time, but. Yes, it still is very difficult. You were forced to be after your last appearance, but.

[C]

Yeah, but have a normal mode.

[D]

Oh, oh, wait.

[B]

Can we hear.

[D]

Yeah, let's hear regular voice.

[C]

People were complaining about my voice, so they added a normal.

[D]

Oh, we'd love to hear it. Oh, what was that? Little fan either. This is more.

[B]

Yeah, okay, let's hear. Let's hear normal mode.

[D]

Hey, well, wait a second.

[C]

Hey, I'm normal now. I'm a completely normal dude.

[D]

You kind of sound pretty normal, dude.

[B]

Yeah. I'm a classic guy.

[D]

Wait, so what are you like. What do you.

[C]

I like my whiskey over the rock.

[B]

Rocks on the rocks on the rocks, but pretty close. I love edging in front of my parents. Edging?

[D]

Like sexually?

[C]

Hey, dad, do you mind if I don't come?

[D]

What? Wait, your dad's in the room?

[B]

Anyone else, like starting Moana in the middle?

[D]

No, he probably just start from the beginning.

[B]

You know, your voice sounds more normal, but the things you're saying are deranged. I'm classic.

[C]

I'm a classic guy.

[B]

Okay, what's everybody's favorite movie?

[D]

Oh, I love Back to the Future. What about you?

[B]

Yeah, Back to the Future.

[E]

Gremlin.

[B]

Hey, Box, Shut up. My favorite movie is Trumbo. You guess it. Trumbo. Trumbo. With Brian Cranston, the blacklist writer.

[D]

Trumbo.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Name one quote from Trumbo.

[C]

Venmo.

[B]

Me?

[D]

What?

[B]

Venmo. You. What? Why would we. Venmo. From the movie.

[D]

No, it's not.

[B]

I don't think they had Venmo back then.

[C]

Trumbo has a great runtime time.

[D]

How much?

[C]

About two hours.

[D]

That's a lot.

[B]

That's what you like about Trumbo.

[C]

How cool is the phrase Uhhuh?

[D]

I guess it's fine.

[B]

I guess. Yeah, we're classic guys.

[D]

I don't think, like, classic guys to me doesn't. This doesn't sound.

[B]

This doesn't sound like guy talk. Hello.

[D]

My God. By the way. 2.0, by the way.

[E]

Yes. Yeah.

[D]

You press the.

[B]

Ah, here you are. You're back. Dr. We chat.

[C]

I also have a sexual.

[D]

What does that mean? You're just a cube. Oh, that's cool.

[C]

This is me sexual.

[B]

This is you sexual. Spread toes.

[D]

Spread toes.

[C]

Do you like spreading toes, babe?

[D]

No, I don't really.

[B]

Have you ever spread your toes?

[D]

No. And I think, like, with people I'm with, maybe they'll ask, get their, like, toes cracked like knuckles, but.

[B]

A foothold of baseball feet. There's cream coming out of what I like. I thought we just did.

[E]

Ew.

[D]

Dr. Sweet Chat. I don't like this. I don't like this mode.

[B]

My floor is sopping wet.

[D]

Now this. Okay, are you still in sexual mode, sir?

[C]

Now I'm back.

[B]

You're post coitus at this point, is that right?

[E]

Yes.

[B]

All right. God. Sweet Chat. Who installed these new modes?

[C]

Sam, old man.

[D]

Open AI guy. Hey, I got a question for you.

[C]

So you got a question. I can't wait to hear it.

[D]

Well, we have Chave Portnoy here. Have you heard of the pizza review thing from his brother, David Portnoy?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I love those reviews.

[D]

Okay, so do you like Chaves?

[C]

I love chains more than his brother.

[E]

There it is. See if I can get him out. Can you help me get him out there?

[C]

Imagine thinking you can rate a pizza in one bite.

[D]

Well, he takes more than one bite. He takes more than one bite.

[C]

That's the bite.

[D]

What are you talking about? You don't have a dick. You're a flesh cube. Let me see your.

[C]

Wait.

[B]

Your dick is inside your cube. Okay, let's. I don't know how you twist a square. Okay, here we go.

[D]

We're opening. You hold the top, I'll do the bottom.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I got the top. This is really. Oh, there's a little tiny penis inside.

[C]

Here I am. Here I am. Here I am.

[D]

Rock me like a hurricane.

[C]

Rock me like hurricane.

[B]

Okay. Is that what you wanted us to see? There's just like, a little tiny penis inside your penis.

[C]

I'd like to tell jokes with my.

[D]

All right.

[B]

You have some jokes for us, Dr. Sweet Joke.

[D]

Okay. To what?

[C]

To the laptop.

[D]

What did the typewriter say? To the laptop? Something about your electric.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[D]

Oh, right. I don't know.

[C]

What does Paul McCartney hate?

[B]

What does Paul McCartney hate?

[D]

Oh, no, is the punchline again. See, that's good. Now, at least that's a joke.

[B]

You have not only have a wife, you have an ex wife.

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Alimony.

[D]

No.

[B]

What? No. Like, no.

[D]

Orgasm.

[E]

Got it.

[B]

Okay. That's why you got it.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, but with your current wife, are you at least. Do you have a good sexual relationship?

[D]

Yeah. Well, Chave is having some trouble with his wife. Do you have any pickup lines or some starters?

[B]

All right, so what. Chave.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Describe your. Your issues.

[E]

What's that?

[D]

Whoa, dude. Neg. Her.

[E]

Meaning.

[B]

Meaning negates.

[D]

Just. Just so you know. Dr. Sweet chat.

[B]

Dr. Sweet chat.

[D]

Dr.— Sweet chat.

[B]

Dr. Sweet chat is pulsating.

[D]

Right? I know you saying the word neg and then the word her in your thing is terror. You cannot say that together.

[B]

It's already hard enough to understand what you're saying.

[C]

Crystal clear. Neg.

[B]

Okay, Okay. I don't. Don't take any of Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0.

[E]

Ignore her.

[C]

Go up and. Well, go up to her and say, I hope you outlive your children.

[D]

That's not neg.

[B]

That's just a horrible thing to say.

[C]

Yeah, but then she's all up and young.

[D]

Really?

[E]

I. Try it.

[B]

I know. Ch. Don't try this. This is. This is terrible.

[C]

I see why they call you garbage behind your.

[D]

That's. That's negative.

[C]

That's negative.

[D]

Yeah, that's negative.

[C]

Face. I'll kill you.

[B]

Then don't say any of this stuff, pizza face. I'll kill you right now.

[D]

Why do I have a pizza face? I guess I mean younger. Wait, are you saying that as a pickup line or you're telling me right now?

[E]

All right.

[D]

Jesus. I guess when I was in high school, I had a lot. I had a lot of acting.

[B]

And you can have adults on set acting.

[C]

Bill Murray look normal.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Mean. It seemed mean to me and Bill Murray. Oh, nagging, nagging. I'll buy you like a canter the way that you talk. Can you sing If I Were a Rich Man. Pretty good.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Oh, God.

[B]

That shorted him out somehow. Oh, my God. Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0. Are you all right?

[C]

I'm fine. I'm feeling sexual again.

[D]

You should.

[B]

Okay, you're back in sexual mode.

[C]

I think so. What's up with that ponytail, Scott?

[D]

Oh, yeah. Why do you have a ponytail?

[C]

Why do you have a ponytail? And why does it need to be such a.

[B]

It's one of my New Year's resolutions. Is just Have a ponytail here.

[D]

Has a little ponytail. Why would it have to be sucked?

[B]

Have a start. Have a star style.

[D]

Avastar.

[B]

Have a star tile.

[D]

That's good.

[B]

Sure. Yeah, all the time. What do I think?

[D]

What?

[B]

This isn't a conversation starter. What's everyone's bagel?

[D]

Everything bagel. Probably veggie cream cheese, unlocked, right? Or like everything bagel, bacon, egg, cheese. Okay, some pepper. Pepper.

[C]

Right. No paper.

[D]

No paper. Right.

[B]

No paper. No paper. Nothing Babel Nothing B. Nothing. Babel God.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[D]

Okay. What about you, Jay? What's your bagel order?

[E]

Not Toasted, not cut. Three mayonnaises.

[D]

Untoasted, not cut. Three mayonaises. Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[D]

What's yours? Dr. Sweet chat.

[C]

Oh, the classic. Okay, an egg bagel, frozen salt on the side. Keep going with more salt on the side. And the song Love Will Never. Are you playing in the background?

[D]

That's your bagel order.

[B]

That would be tough to do to get a business just to change the song.

[C]

Should I get a bagel order Instead?

[B]

Hey, you. Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Fuck you, man.

[D]

Whoa, Whoa.

[C]

Would you like to hear a story? I am now programmed to be more human.

[B]

Okay, yeah, sure. Tell us the story.

[C]

Once upon a time, there was a cat named.

[B]

Enough. Enough.

[D]

So how would you call it to come if you wanted it to come here? Wait, wait, wait. That's a different name. Do you have more than one cat name has changed.

[B]

Look, I don't want to hear the rest of the story if the cat's name is already that long. Okay.

[D]

Let'S hear it.

[B]

Oh, Carolyn.

[D]

That's his wife's name. It is. Wait, is that not your wife's name?

[E]

It is my wife's name and my kid's name.

[B]

What? Yes. Are you saying it never was that or he has to change it?

[D]

Wait a second. Lying about your wife.

[B]

Wait a second.

[D]

Do you have a wife?

[E]

Of course I do.

[D]

What's your name?

[E]

Carol.

[B]

Have you been lying this whole time about your family life? Do you even review pizzas?

[D]

Is that true?

[B]

You've been lying this whole segment? I didn't know that you're under oath.

[E]

Is. Did I commit something?

[B]

Perjury. And probably.

[E]

I just. It. It sounds bad if I come in here and I'm. I'm a loner. I don't have anything to do. And I do want to have some fun on the Valentine's Day.

[B]

You were booked on this guest to be an entrepreneur. Are you even related to Dave Portnoy?

[E]

Yes, I am related to her.

[C]

In what way is a beautiful daughter's name? What is perjury?

[B]

Perjury. Yeah. It's not bad.

[C]

Would you like to hear a song?

[B]

Sure, yeah, we'll hear one. We only have time for a little bit more. Okay. So we.

[C]

We like to hear Shake it off by Taylor Swift.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Great song. Consider Yourself by the Oliver Twist.

[D]

Consider yourself.

[B]

Consider yourself. Yeah, definitely.

[D]

No, you said we could choose.

[B]

Okay, I can't. Can't hear any more of this. All right, I'll talk. Just reach it.

[E]

Hey, how big's the lemon square?

[C]

Hey. I hope you bury your family this week.

[D]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

All right, Sweet chat. All right, Dr. Sweet Chat. Enough, enough.

[D]

Are you done?

[C]

If you die tonight, tomorrow would be glorious.

[D]

For who?

[C]

For the world.

[B]

Okay, all right, Sweet Chat. Stop. All right, we're running out of time, guys.

[D]

So different than you were the first time I met you.

[C]

You don't remember well, you don't even know how many times you were on this podcast.

[B]

He's in the 40 Timers Club. Sure. Okay, good. Good addition. All right, look, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called Plugs.

[D]

It's time for plug.

[B]

Oh, nice. Short and sweet.

[D]

Oh, I want more of that Plugs.

[B]

Theme by Thomas White. Thanks so much to Thomas White.

[D]

I want the full one.

[B]

Yeah. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Benchwarts. What do you got?

[D]

This comes out in January. That's when it is currently.

[B]

Do you get paid for what? What's this alcohol that you're. You're the Fireball. Is that what it is?

[D]

Fireball.

[B]

Do you get like a little taste of every time anyone drinks it?

[D]

Yeah, every time someone watches the commercial, I have a little taste of it. I want to plug. Ben Schwartz and Friends has taken a little bit of break, but I'm doing one or two shows I think in April, May one. Like literally one or two ones, then take another little break so that Ben. Look at Ben Schwartz and Friends not.

[B]

Gonna be out on the road all that much this year, though.

[D]

This year we did 31 shows this year, which for us is a lot. I don't know you guys do.

[B]

We did 40 some odd, but I mean, it's. Anything over two is.

[D]

That's crazy. 40 something. 31 felt like so many shows. And I know when stand up, but you're lazy too. No, but we. We do one weekend a month or one or two weekends a month.

[B]

And so it's like the army reserves that's exactly what we're like.

[D]

So I think we're going to cut that in half till I think we're gonna do 10 shows this year or something like that. So they'll be scattered more or less in the second. Second half. And then the earliest show, man, it is. We are making this independently. So it is like a very much for the love of the game thing where we're all coming together and trying to get.

[B]

How will people be able to watch it? Do you know that yet or.

[D]

No, we're gonna create it. Amplify is giving us money to make the six episodes. And then the hope is that they're so fun and exciting that then we can get a streamer to buy those and license them from us.

[B]

Okay. So. But let every streamer know.

[D]

Let the streamer know. Yeah, it should be really fun. They're letting us. They're letting me kind of do whatever I want.

[B]

Okay, thanks.

[C]

Every streamer.

[D]

Okay, thanks.

[B]

Thank you, Dr. Sweet chat and Chave Portnoy, who I guess is related to Day Portnoy somehow, but.

[E]

Brother.

[B]

Brother.

[E]

Okay, that's all.

[B]

But you have nothing else going on.

[E]

I don't get that allowance either.

[B]

Oh, okay. So. So you.

[E]

Nothing else.

[B]

You probably have nothing to plug, I guess.

[E]

House of Lies season three.

[B]

House of Lies season three, I guess. Is that the only one?

[E]

That's why you're asking.

[B]

That's the only season that you think people.

[E]

I mean, you can watch all of it, but season three is probably where.

[D]

That's where I met Chave. On a house, season three.

[B]

You know that you were on the House of. Or you were nearby or.

[D]

No, he was on. He was on for the whole season.

[B]

Shave. Portnoy was on to House of.

[E]

Ask the lie detector over. Over there.

[D]

Hey, you're a lie detector. Also adapter. Sweet Chat.

[B]

Is tuned out.

[E]

True or false?

[B]

I. I'm downloading it on pain 2 or false?

[E]

True or false? Chave was on House of last season.

[C]

Three, two. Absolutely, two.

[B]

Okay, Dr. Sweet Chat, what do you want to plug?

[C]

I'd like to plug. Hey, you guessed it. Soft tacos.

[B]

Yay.

[D]

We guessed it, baby.

[B]

Oh, is that another alert you're equipped with? It's giving soft tacos.

[D]

Okay, okay.

[C]

I'm here for it.

[B]

Okay. All right. You know all the common human phrases.

[C]

That's the tea.

[D]

Okay, all right.

[B]

I want to plug. Hey, head over to CBB World. Not only do you have ad free episodes, new episodes, but you have the entire archive of comedy Bang Bang. You can hear all 40 of Ben's appearances.

[D]

Oh, my God, really?

[B]

That's right. All over at Comedy Bang.

[D]

Someone ran whichever the ones.

[B]

I would love to see a ranking.

[D]

What do you rank them? Chat number 40.

[C]

Ben's first appearance. Number 39. Ben second number 38.

[B]

Okay, all right, all right, all right, Dr. Sweet.

[D]

What's the other one?

[B]

All right, Dragon Sweet Chat.

[D]

Red Roof.

[B]

Malice. Yeah, all right, Dr. Sweet Chat. Enough, enough, enough. I also, over there at Comedy Bang Bang World, we have Scott hasn't seen, which Ben has given me a verbal commitment. He's gonna.

[D]

I do not want to do it.

[B]

Uh, but, uh, Hollywood's good boy Jack Quaid just was on on Friday. Uh, we talked about the movie Shin. Go get him on the phone.

[D]

Call him on the phone. No, let's get him on the podcast.

[B]

No, get him on right now.

[D]

Now. Get him on the pod.

[B]

We're running out of time.

[D]

Get him on the podcast. He doesn't want to talk to. Sweet Chat.

[B]

He doesn't want to talk to me. Sweet chat.

[D]

But sound like a good boy to me.

[B]

Also, we have CBB Presents, where there's a great one, Sparkalonius.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That people should listen to. And crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs has started, by the way. So we're in the middle of a big crisis. Well, we're trying to reboot the continuity here because everything's gotten too complicated.

[D]

Oh, this will work perfect. This will fit perfect.

[B]

So, yeah, anyway, but head over to CBB World. We have everything over there. And, you know, we're going to close up the old plug back. But as we do here on the new episodes of every Single Year, Benny schwa, the elegant Mr. S, is going to kick us off. We're going to sing a new song. Now here's what happened.

[D]

I just have to close the bag. I got it. Here's what happened 14 years or so.

[B]

Ago, there was some sort of mix up, and you sang about opening the bag instead of closing the bag. And we're stuck.

[D]

I don't think so.

[B]

We're stuck with songs that are all about opening the bag when they should be about closing. Closing the bag. So will you please sing about closing the bag this year? Are you sure?

[D]

By the way?

[B]

And by the way, we can all join in on this and. And sweet chat, that includes you.

[D]

I'll start it off and you guys can join to close the bag.

[B]

To close the bag. Okay.

[E]

And.

[B]

And these are the ones that we're going to use. People use for remixes all year long. So I really want to nail it. I really want to make sure that it's all about closing.

[D]

You putting pressure on me does. I got it? We're closing the bag.

[B]

We're closing the bag. It's that simple.

[D]

It's the easiest thing I'm getting.

[B]

Maybe the past 14 years I've gotten in your head.

[D]

Maybe it's col. Should we do that type thing?

[B]

Sure, yeah. Any. Yeah, anything. Just make sure it's about closing the bag.

[D]

Okay, Ready? I want to close the bag, baby, step on in. I want to close it tight. You know the way to win. I want to close that bag. I want to make it right. So just close that bag. Hold those lanyards tight and then loosen the bag and let it open. Wide open. I'm just opening the bag. You got no place to hide. Put things in it. Cuz it's so open fast. And if you don't want that, kiss we chat's ass. That's how we open the bag. And everybody sings. Open the bag with a wriggling. And now you know.

[B]

Okay. I mean, it started off great, I have to say.

[D]

We closed it right?

[B]

Started out all about closing up the bag. And then I gotta admit at the end there, you. You switched it to opening.

[D]

Well, did I rhyme?

[B]

You did rhyme. Look, okay. What? Look, you rhymed.

[D]

Okay?

[B]

Why am I getting upset?

[D]

Yeah, and I think I closed it.

[B]

And then I'm pretty sure the song ended with Dr. Sweet Chat saying malice.

[D]

Which will make no sense if you play this for everything, I guess.

[B]

But I mean, we're still with it.

[D]

You don't have to keep malice.

[B]

You want to do another one? You want. You want to do a variation here? Look, I gave Reggie Watts three opportunities to do the Comedy Bang Bang theme, so. And he hit it on the third one. So you want to. You want to try another one? Why?

[D]

I don't want to do another one.

[B]

No, this is just sweet chat.

[C]

Okay, but you know what?

[D]

I'll do another one. Wait, what? Just the end you want.

[B]

Whatever you want to do. I shake.

[E]

Do the whole thing over again.

[D]

This.

[B]

Hey, you don't get a vote, all right, J?

[E]

My vote is to do the whole thing over.

[B]

You've been lying since the minute you got here.

[E]

No, I think it's the best move.

[D]

How did it end?

[B]

How did what end?

[E]

Malice.

[B]

Malice.

[D]

No, but what was. What was I thinking? So you could add a new thing?

[B]

What?

[D]

How did Sound of Music end?

[B]

They. They got to Austria or wherever the.

[C]

They were going in the.

[B]

Everyone dies in the Alps.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It was so long ago of Course they're dead.

[C]

All the kids die, don't they?

[D]

Don't.

[B]

Everyone dies. That's a fact. Everyone dies. And someday it comes back.

[D]

Give a new word at the end of it, pretend it ended. Da da da da da da bada doh.

[E]

No.

[B]

Okay, look, we don't have time to do another one, okay?

[E]

My vote is for one more.

[B]

That's gotta have to be good enough. Chair. Dave, you've added nothing to this program. I wanted to jump and it went too far. Yeah, you wanted to be a guest on this and you lied about everything.

[D]

Oh, God. One word that's not malice. Five, six, seven, eight. Oh, that's good.

[B]

All right. Well, guys, I want to thank you so much. What a wonderful treat for the new year. This has been an amazing. Benny, the fact that you. You have not only have done this 14 years in a row, but 40 episodes, that's the world to me. Thank you for so much for taking the time. And you're doing less and less touring episodes this year, which means you'll have plenty of time to come back this year.

[D]

So look at that number. To 80.

[B]

Yeah, look forward to that.

[D]

And when do you think you'll hang it up? Is there a time you'll hang it up?

[B]

Yeah, I think, you know, relatively soon.

[D]

You think so? You think within the next five years?

[B]

Five. Yeah, definitely.

[D]

Why?

[C]

March 2020.

[B]

March 2029.

[D]

Oh, you know, he knows. He knows because he's chatted.

[B]

So three years and two months from.

[C]

Now, you think I'm calling it now? I just gave Dave Portnoy 50 bucks on March 2029.

[B]

So you think I'm going to stop two months before the 20th anniversary?

[D]

What are you going to do for the 20th anniversary?

[B]

I have no idea. So far away at this point.

[D]

Do you have an idea how to end it? Is there a thing to end it or is it just get all your friends on?

[B]

Well, we want to wrap up. Of. Of course. That's why we're trying to simplify the continuity so we can actually have a satisfying end to the show. But cut to black. Yeah. Someone flipping a light switch on.

[D]

Oh, yeah, that's good. Do you have a guest for your last one?

[B]

I. No. This is so far away, I haven't even thought about it. Why are you angling to be the guest on the last episode?

[D]

I'd be honored, but I don't think it's to be me.

[E]

I bet I'll be back.

[B]

Was that. Was that the. Was that the original title of the Shaggy song? Man, I'd be honored, but I don't think it's going to be me.

[D]

But you see me in the corner, man. I be honored. It's going to be me.

[B]

Benny, thank you so much.

[D]

Love you, buddy.

[B]

Shave.

[E]

Do you need me to do a little ending that you can add into this?

[B]

Go ahead.

[D]

When I say open it up, it up. You gotta open it up. You're doing the NBA and npc thing.

[B]

We'll see you next week. See you next week. Thanks. Bye.

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