Doula On The Dumbo (David Dastmalchian, Kylie Brakeman, James Mannion)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "Doula On The Dumbo"

Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: David Dastmalchian, Kylie Brakeman (“Dee Dee/Disney Doula”), James Mannion (“Lyle Vanity”)
Release Date: April 27, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang brings together actor/writer David Dastmalchian, character performer Kylie Brakeman as Dee Dee the Disney Doula, and James Mannion as Lyle Vanity, an entrepreneurial vanity license plate consultant. Host Scott Aukerman orchestrates conversations that veer from Hollywood anecdotes to delightfully absurd character interviews, anchoring everything with his signature playful style. Key topics include Dastmalchian’s extensive acting career and new graphic novel "Through", the burgeoning field of Disney-themed childbirth, and the (highly questionable) underground world of personalized vanity plates—all delivered in true Comedy Bang Bang fashion.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. David Dastmalchian: From ER to Graphic Novels

(01:15–24:00, 34:58–36:23, 94:25–95:17)

• Introductions & Anecdotes:

  • Dastmalchian is welcomed as a “one-timer,” with Scott playfully recounting his career highlights (Blade Runner 2049, Polka-dot Man in DC, Ant-Man in Marvel, and notably, a one-line role on ER).
  • David recounts his ER appearance acting alongside Angela Bassett, and a surreal on-set encounter with Michelle Obama days before the 2008 election.

    “And then I realize… the friend who was next to me was Michelle Obama. And the election was days away.” – David D. (07:32)

  • Discussion of ER’s meticulous production, the fleeting glory of getting two takes, and the minor riches from decades of residuals (“about $7,000 total”).
  • David’s connection to the Lincoln Park area in Chicago runs deep: acting, homelessness, playwriting, and even influence on his later work.

• Graphic Novel "Through":

  • Dastmalchian expounds on his new work—an original, standalone graphic novel published by Z2.
  • The plot centers on a self-reliant college student named Alex in Lincoln Park (the very ER filming location), who is mysteriously rescued from Lake Michigan by a stranger. This sets off a spiraling journey of mystery and self-discovery.

    “She wakes up in the hospital… and discovers this old stranger has a room dedicated entirely to her daily life. Through his work, she enters a portal to another realm.” – David D. (22:28)

  • The novel’s emotional core is “letting go of control and learning to ask for help," mirroring Dastmalchian’s own struggles with addiction, self-reliance, and recovery.
  • Art by Cat Staggs, bonus art by David Mack; deluxe editions and slipcases available.
  • Inspiration partly from the real-life outsider artist Henry Darger.

    “What is the pulsing blood underneath… that makes it alive? For me, it was relinquishing control.” – David D. (27:13)

2. Dee Dee (Disney Doula): Birth Plans Meet the Magic Kingdom

(36:23–56:25, 60:41–61:42, 94:43–95:19)

• Who is Dee Dee?

  • Presented as a “Disney Doula”: a birth professional aiding women with the goal of giving birth on Disneyland rides.

    “For women… who want to give birth at Disneyland… on the Haunted Mansion, or Indiana Jones, or any place a little girl dreams about when giving birth.” – Dee Dee (37:07)

  • Runs pre-birth Lamaze classes on rides like Guardians of the Galaxy (formerly Tower of Terror) for a thematic touch.
  • Assures clients that Disneyland citizenship for babies is “still in beta,” and recounts 12 “Disney Dozen” births on the “Big 12” rides.

• Process & Logistics:

  • Dee Dee details how the team times labor for ideal photo ops, tries to fast-track the birthing process to ride moments, and courts clients for publicity ahead of a major public rollout (Super Bowl ad campaign).
  • The secret: Disney Corp doesn’t officially know (“beta testing”), or maybe they do… or maybe they don’t—cue running gag about corporate awareness.

    “When you say beta testing, we haven’t told the Disney Corporation… or Bob Iger…” – Dee Dee (47:09)

• Memorable (and Absurd) Ride Choices:

  • Women choose rides for “the vibe”—from the goth woman who wanted Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride (“she was a Goth scaredy-cat”) to Jungle Cruise for the jokes and Splash Mountain water breaking scenes.
  • Notable client: a “CEO of a lotion company” (heavily implied to be Gwyneth Paltrow); Goofy caught the baby.

    “The first person to ever hold her baby girl was Goofy.” – Dee Dee (54:20)

  • Statistics: 30 babies born at Disneyland “accidentally” since 1955; now Dee Dee is commercializing the concept.
  • Message on safety: “There’s more medical risk, probably, in a hospital than in Disney…” (53:07)
  • Women are encouraged to “get out of the hospital and onto that flume ride!”

3. Lyle Vanity: The Vending-Machine License Plate Guru

(61:53–84:57)

• Professional Background:

  • Lyle offers consulting for “high-end” clients at the Beverly Hills DMV, specializing in rewriting long vanity plate requests to fit seven characters or less.

    “No car purchase is complete without a vanity license plate… You’ve only got seven characters, and that’s where I come in.” – Lyle Vanity (64:31)

  • His office? Inside a Pepsi vending machine by the DMV restrooms. He conceals himself inside delivery pallets, describing an elaborate (and uncomfortable) process to get to work.

• How It Works:

  • Clients “knock” or use secret codes on the keypad; license plate requests are communicated via keypad Morse code, interpreted through a system of pokes, prods, and unfortunately, frequent pinchings (“usually… my penis”).
  • Returns designs and payments via empty Pepsi bottles.
  • Claims to have made “about $20,000” in three months, but also admits to being in “about five” (or maybe six) car accidents while writing down all the license plates he sees.

• Sample Rebrandings:

  • “Mr. Bang Bang” becomes “Mr. Bangs” (“sounds like a hairdresser”), “Mr. 2Bang”, or “MRBNG2X”—all options weighed, with the process frequently devolving into chaos and laughter.

    “Sometimes, the vanity plate you want to do just isn’t possible. Maybe I could be Mr. Beanbag. Rename the show?” – Lyle Vanity (80:39)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• David on his ER line & Michelle Obama:
  • "And then I realized as I looked—the friend who was next to me was Michelle Obama. The election was days away." (07:32)
• David on residuals:
  • “I’d say about $7,000… over the last 15 years.” (09:48)
• Scott, about watching Severance:
  • “No, because [Adam Scott] always rubs it in my face… now I’m offer only, and… I just take whatever comes my way.” (11:17)
• Dee Dee, on Disney Doulaing:
  • “The most popular ride is… the car ride. They love Lightning [McQueen].” (44:09)
• On Disneyland ride births:
  • “One woman gave birth on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride—she was number six and a goth, so she said she wanted something sick and twisted for her birth.” (41:59)
• Lyle Vanity, on his unconventional workspace:
  • “I am inside the vending machine, of course, because I’m not supposed to be out there conducting my business.” (67:01)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• [01:15] – Scott’s ER intro and David’s first professional set stories.
• [07:32] – Obama encounter on ER set.
• [17:27] – Graphic novel “Through” summary; connections to ER and Lincoln Park.
• [36:32] – Dee Dee the Disney Doula arrives; Disney birthing “beta” explained.
• [41:06] – The “Big 12” Disneyland rides for birth, anecdotes about odd ride choices.
• [47:09] – Dee Dee’s “beta launch”; Disney Corp’s (alleged) knowledge.
• [61:53] – Lyle Vanity introduced; vending machine license plate operation explainer.
• [64:51] – Deep dive into license plate abbreviations and fee structure.
• [80:33] – “Mr. Beanbag” moment; attempts to abbreviate “Comedy Bang Bang.”
• [87:53] – Plugs: books, podcasts, birth plans, and Instagram handles.
• [94:43] – David’s real Disney medical emergency with his daughter.

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Tone & Show Flow

• Playful, quick-witted, and referential: Scott Aukerman’s dry, self-referential humor and free-associative tangents set a relaxed, silly tone.
• Blend of real-life and absurdist character comedy: Real interview turns to improv sketch with characters riffing hard on their own premises.
• Callbacks & Running Gags: “Should I call 911?” morphs from ER line to license plate; confusion over Dee Dee’s corporate status; Scott’s recurring skepticism about details.

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For First-Time Listeners

• You don’t need to know the show to enjoy this episode’s blend of showbiz anecdotes, graphic novel insight, and full-tilt improv.
• All major characters are introduced clearly, and even the silliest sketches track thanks to Scott’s enthusiastic buy-in.
• The episode neatly balances genuine insight (David’s personal history and creative process) with quintessential Comedy Bang Bang character weirdness (Disney birth plans! Vending machine consultants!).
• Skip: Ads, intros, outros (not summarized here).

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Further Listening / Plugs

• David Dastmalchian:
  • Graphic novel “Through” (Z2 Comics), “Count Crowley,” “Knights vs. Samurai,” “Creature Commandos”
• Kylie Brakeman:
  • Podcast: "Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists"
  • Instagram: @kyliebrakeman
• James Mannion:
  • Instagram: @jamesmannion0

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For more surreal Hollywood stories and improv chaos, follow Comedy Bang Bang wherever you listen to podcasts—keep your hands, arms, and babies inside the ride at all times!

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[David Dastmalchian]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[David Dastmalchian]

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[Scott Aukerman]

You can hire top rated pros, see price estimates and read reviews all on

[David Dastmalchian]

the app download today.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for an even smaller man. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Henry Linnell for that catchphrase submission. Henry Linnell, thank you so much. Not gonna stick unfortunately, Henry, but thank you so much for trying. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Au an exceptional show. Coming up a little later, we have a healthcare professional, someone who tends to the sick, I would imagine. We also have someone in the automotive industry. Don't know whether that's on the tending to the sick cars, AKA mechanic or whether that's in the selling of them. We'll figure that out a little bit later. But let's get to our first guest here. Let's Terry no further. We're 30 seconds into this show. I gotta get to him. Right. He is our guest of honor. He's joining the exclusive, exclusive one timers club here on Comedy Bang Bang. He is an actor from so many things that you would know. Blade Runner 2049. Let me finish. 2049. We know him from the DC universe as the Polka dot Man. We know him from the Marvel universe as, oh, what's his name from the Ant man franchise. All three of those movies. He's miming right now a penis on top of his head or perhaps a triangle. A conehead. He's a conehead. He plays the head. Beldar Conehead from the Ant man universe. So many incredible projects. Primarily fans of this show would know him from his one episode of ER in season 12, I believe. As a young boy, did you have

[David Dastmalchian]

a name in that, yes. Young. Young man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Young man, yeah.

[David Dastmalchian]

He was a young man. He was a dog walker. He was a dog walker and he was in Linkin park and he was with his. What he, as an actor prepared to believe was on a day date. Although what the actress revealed to him in the midst of their improvising off camera and off mic, they were just friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

And just so there's no confusion, she

[David Dastmalchian]

made exceptionally clear, has gone on to be one of my best friends, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah. I just saw recently, I think I filmed that in 2008. It was the second time I'd ever been on a professional set.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was the first time, if you don't mind me asking? Then I'm going to steer it back to er, because that's what I mainly interested in.

[David Dastmalchian]

The first time I was ever on a professional film set. Aside from commercials, of course, which are professional.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are very professional courses.

[David Dastmalchian]

I had made a couple of fun commercials with an exceptional filmmaker, by the way, by the name of Chris Smith. And I'd love to discuss Chris's work. We could do a whole podcast about Chris's film, American Movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's interesting than the ER thing, but I don't know. I do love American Movie.

[David Dastmalchian]

American Movie is a masterpiece. So we're filming this sequence in which I'm walking my dog on what is not a date with my friend in Lincoln park, and we come across a woman, her husband and their child in the throes of a medical emergency. I'm really glad we actually have a healthcare professional on the show today. We might be able to discuss and dissect this, but the child was in the midst of a epileptic seizure and the mother, played by Oscar winner Angela Bassett, of course, was yelling for help, while her incredible husband, who's also a fantastic actor, Courtney B. Vance, was trying to get them help. And I say, should I call 91 1? And they don't respond to me, so I'm kind of a little bit out

[Scott Aukerman]

of frame because they don't have lines to respond to you or the reality of the scene. They just.

[David Dastmalchian]

They're so caught up in them. And she's a doctor, she is a medical professional, so she doesn't need.

[Scott Aukerman]

And your character knows this and that's why you're doesn't. Normally I would just call the 911.

[David Dastmalchian]

This character, your character was hesitant. This character wanted residuals, wanted to be seen delivering lines on camera so that he would get a title as a co star. But it was interesting. I was doing a Play nearby in Linkin Park. Linkin Park's just an integral part of my life story. I went to College at DePaul University, which is in Lincoln Park. I used to spend my free time wandering the free Lincoln Park Zoo. I spent a chapter of my life not being facetious homeless, in which I lived in a car that was parked in the Lincoln park and would live in the Lincoln Park Zoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Wow, the connections there.

[David Dastmalchian]

I was doing a play near there, and I remember walking when we wrapped to go back to set. But here's the best part of that story. This was in 2008. Yes, in the fall of 2008.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe it was season 12.

[David Dastmalchian]

It was season 12. And it was directed by David. David Z. Come on. He's gone on to make all of the Walking Dead shows, which is really interesting, but the.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of people wouldn't like this amount of detail. But for an er, fanatic like myself who just rewatched all 15 seasons, I am loving it.

[David Dastmalchian]

Are you a political. Do you get excited about political stuff? Yeah, sure. So I'm in Lincoln park and we're gonna shoot this scene where I'm walking a dog and I see Angela Bassett. And my trailer was next to Angela Bassett's. And I'm a big fan. Fan of Angela Bassett. Who isn't? And she was standing there, and she was there with a friend and some kids and I. And I wanted to say something to her and I. But we. We. She was very nice to me. We're standing next to each other, me, Angela Bassett, her friend, and their kids. And I wasn't really paying attention to anything because I was so overwhelmed. It was only the second time in my life I'd been on a professional set. I was very nervous, and there was, like, security detail everywhere. Like guys in suits with earpieces. I was like, angela Bassett won an Academy Award.

[Scott Aukerman]

She warrants. But amount of security, intense.

[David Dastmalchian]

I was just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is what's.

[David Dastmalchian]

What. What is. Is Clooney back for a surprise guest?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that would be amazing. You say, should I call 911 and. And then George Clooney grabs your phone and goes, I'll do it.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'll do it. So I'm standing there and people are running to us, running to us. And the security is. I was like, wow, Angela Bassett's a big. And then I realized as I looked to friend who was next to me, it was Michelle Obama. And the election was days away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Days away.

[David Dastmalchian]

They were in Chicago getting ready for the big.

[Scott Aukerman]

And she visits the ER set on her Way to the election.

[David Dastmalchian]

Well, she had heard about this young actor up and comer, who'd only been in one professional project before and who had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who had, by all accounts, one line is that future of the.

[David Dastmalchian]

Well, one line is one way to look at it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, sure. The. The other way to look at it is. Didn't have all the other lines.

[David Dastmalchian]

Thousands of moments, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Many choices in that one line.

[David Dastmalchian]

It's amazing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

Er, I mean, the pit tries to take all the credit nowadays. We who were on ER know, especially if you were a co star like me, and you only had one line that. The detail that they put into that show, the way someone would say, should I call 911?

[Lyle Vanity]

You just.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many takes did you end up doing?

[David Dastmalchian]

I got to do two takes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two takes, that's good.

[David Dastmalchian]

I got to do two takes. And he was like. He was like, good job, good job. They're moving on. And I was like, is two takes, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're like me, you get two takes, you go, did I fuck it up or did I do it so good that they only needed two?

[David Dastmalchian]

All I think is, did I? Or I don't think did I? I go, oh, I fuck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I fuck that.

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh, that's. And they.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they. It's a hopeless case.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'm never getting a residual.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'm never getting a credit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you. Did you. Did you watch it on Thursday nights at 10pm saying, I hope they didn't cut my line out?

[David Dastmalchian]

Well, being in the Midwest, it was on it. Weirdly, it was 9pm, even though we were technically part of the year, two time zones away. I don't know how that math works. And I'll never figure out. I also don't understand how TV works to explain the way my brain contemplates these things. So an entire episode of ER will pass, which it still does. I'm still watching 9pm Thursday night ers. And I go, how is this. How is this working? And then it. Then the show goes by, then it

[Scott Aukerman]

goes by and then it's gone. And then you're like, oh, wait a

[David Dastmalchian]

minute, I think, did I get my line in, though? Do I get a residual? I. How.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much? If. And by the way, you can call your accountant. I've had guests do this during the show. You can call your accountant if you like.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'd say about $7,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

$7,000 total over.

[David Dastmalchian]

Over the last 15 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Since 2008.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah. 17 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, yeah. Yeah. So seven. Seven total, you think?

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much on the day?

[David Dastmalchian]

How Much on the day was like $800.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[David Dastmalchian]

And then in the years since there's.

[Scott Aukerman]

It started with, like, probably get 800 again.

[David Dastmalchian]

800. But then it's worked its way down

[Scott Aukerman]

and it goes all the way down.

[David Dastmalchian]

Nowadays, I could. Over, like, several years, you know, it'll say $0.03, $0.27, $0.16.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still for one line on ER, who's gonna complain?

[David Dastmalchian]

And I gave an opportunity for the future first lady of the United States, one of the most important people in American history, to get to be graced with the magical way in which I was delivering the line.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think she watched your take?

[David Dastmalchian]

I know she did, as a matter of fact. In fact, when I walked back to my set, the kids, her daughters, who were very. Of course, they were all like.

[Scott Aukerman]

They gave you a thumbs up, by the way. I had to translate that for the listener.

[David Dastmalchian]

They gave you a thumbs up, not a visual medium.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're sure that wasn't. To your now good friend who you were. Grace to insist.

[David Dastmalchian]

Grace. Rex, I hope you're listening to this. Grace is now on. She recurs on the show Severance. She's a phenomenal actor. We made lots of fun things together. You know, they go to those dinner parties. I forget the name of the character, but they go to the.

[Scott Aukerman]

I haven't seen it. Adam's one of my closest friends.

[David Dastmalchian]

And you haven't watched his show?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, because he's so. He's always like, oh, I'm on this show Severance. I love being on this show Severance. I'm just like, shut the.

[David Dastmalchian]

He just rubs it in your face.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean? Now I'm offer only. And so I don't get the kind of opportunities that he, you know, begs and scrapes his knees to try to get. You know what I mean? So, like, I just take whatever comes my way.

[David Dastmalchian]

He auditioned 76 times for Ben Stiller for that role. He did 76.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. And Ben Stiller had him doing lines from Meet the Parents together just to see how he would roll with it. He's like, I have nipples, Adam Scott, can you milk me? It's crazy stories. So I refuse to watch the show. But I'm glad that she's on that. And I do need to introduce you because I haven't even said your name yet. And that's gonna be an incredible treat for the audience.

[David Dastmalchian]

Here's your test. Let's hear it, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here we go. He has a new graphic novel out right now called Through. Please welcome David Dastmalchian.

[David Dastmalchian]

That was perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perfect.

[David Dastmalchian]

That was perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[David Dastmalchian]

That was the best pronunciation of my last name I've heard in a very, very long time. I want to give you flowers right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you very much. I watch several YouTube videos. That's really nice. That's the kind of attention to detail that you get from a comedy. Bang, Bang.

[David Dastmalchian]

But that feels good because sometimes when people don't. And I'm not here to, you know, criticize, but I do think if you have someone as a guest on your show, it would probably be nice to know how to say their name.

[Scott Aukerman]

It would. And there have been. Have there been. Maybe 50% of the time when I forget to even think about it. And then in the moment I'm introducing them and realize I have no idea how to say it.

[David Dastmalchian]

Sure, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But with you, I wanted to take the time and prepare because you're our guest of honor.

[David Dastmalchian]

Thank you. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to the show. Welcome to the One Timers Club.

[David Dastmalchian]

I appreciate it. It's great to be here. I've been a fan of yours for a very long time, and I, as a matter of fact, spent some time on the set when you were doing the show on camera.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. You were telling me you painted some of the mural behind Kid Cudi's.

[David Dastmalchian]

My. Yes, my. Partner. Person with whom I've made children.

[Scott Aukerman]

We had sex with someone.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yes. She was. She is a phenomenal muralist. And our dear friend Katie Birmingham, who's a phenomenal production designer and was working with you for a long time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. She redesigned the entire set when Kid Cudi came in. And it sounds to me like.

[David Dastmalchian]

And so she said to Eve, like, do you want to do a mural? And Eve did a mural. So I was helping bring the paints and I was helping make deliveries.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think some of it is right up there on that front. It sure is.

[David Dastmalchian]

I saw it when I walked in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, there it is.

[David Dastmalchian]

There it is. And it turned out glorious.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. You can sign it. Although taking it out of that frame would be an issue, so forget it.

[David Dastmalchian]

So my contribution was bringing. Helping deliver paints and snacks and coming while she was working and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, you didn't actually paint him.

[David Dastmalchian]

I didn't actually put the paint on the wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you walked in here all big and said, I helped paint your thing. You brought snacks.

[David Dastmalchian]

I think I said, I helped with your mural. I helped get that mural. But here's the thing. Katie Production designed a film that I wrote and produced. And if I hadn't hired her for that, then she wouldn't have known to bring this brilliant muralist onto your show. So in a sense, I'm kind of

[Scott Aukerman]

thinking you made it all happen for

[David Dastmalchian]

the success of what Comedy Bang Bang has been and has become.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. I went downhill that season, but I

[David Dastmalchian]

appreciate I have an attorney that's gonna be reaching out to.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's okay. I don't need to suck that. That's an off my conversation. David, so wonderful to have you on the show. Been such a fan of your work through the years, ever since that fateful ER episode.

[David Dastmalchian]

Thank you, Michelle Obama. That's almost where it all began.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're an incredible actor. But what I've heard about and yet had not experienced up till now is you are also a writer of the graphic novel medium.

[David Dastmalchian]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I didn't compliment you.

[David Dastmalchian]

No. You acknowledged something that to have that in my title that that's on my like CV now. Like, you are a writer. You are a writer of graphic novels.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is produced. You've also written some other ones previous to this, but you have a new graphic novel. Approximately how many pages are we talking? Is this 64?

[David Dastmalchian]

Is it 108 through is 100. It was supposed to be a 120.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[David Dastmalchian]

And I believe when I first delivered it turned at 132. And then I need. Right before we went to print, I reread it and had a crisis of conscience and I asked if I could get more.

[Scott Aukerman]

More pages.

[David Dastmalchian]

More pages. And Z2, my amazing editor, Rance at Z2 and publisher and head of the company, Josh, they, they were like, David, we're literally sending the proof right now to printing. And I was like, I know guys, but I can't end it this way. And they let me add another. So I believe it lands at 136.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[David Dastmalchian]

They had agreed to 120, but we made it to 1:30 and did.

[Scott Aukerman]

The artist was cool with it. Who is it, by the way? The art is phenomenal. Who is the artist who does Cat Stags?

[David Dastmalchian]

Cat Stags has done work for all the big dugs in town. But when I was getting ready to make the book and Z2 had gotten on board, we were just looking at different artists and I had different criteria that I was looking for. And Rance had suggested Cat and I had already been a fan, so looked at through her stuff and reached out and she liked the script enough to agree to want to embark on such a long.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean it sounds to me like it was around 130 some odd pages or so. Yeah, I mean that's the data that I received a lot of pages and our friend David Mack does the COVID to it.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Genius.

[David Dastmalchian]

Genius.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a beautiful, beautiful book. Thank you. And do you want to describe the plotter?

[David Dastmalchian]

So I'm going to bring it all back around. All right, first of all, I'm speaking. Does it have anything to do with this? Er, for those who are watching, it does connect to er. You ready? So I'm looking at Scott's beautiful blue eyes. Over his right shoulder is a photograph of Michelle Obama, who is looking at me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Michelle and Barry are over there. Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

But Michelle is. She's the star of that photo and she's literally smiling at me over Scott's shoulder as I'm telling this story. And to full circle the moment even more. The story of Thru begins on a very cold morning in Lincoln Park. As our hero Alex jogs through Lincoln park, literally. Right. The setting of the opening of this book is right where I shot that scene in er.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you think about adding any dialogue? Like little tiny speech bubbles?

[David Dastmalchian]

Are you ready?

[Scott Aukerman]

Say, like, should I call 91 1?

[David Dastmalchian]

I know you're trying. You're making a joke. Did you know? And I know this is a comedy show, but I think these moments in life, in the universe, are kind of magical. So Alex is the hero of my story. And she is a freshman in college, she is an orphan. She is the basically penultimate kind of ideal of an individual who has just done it all on their own. She has basically raised herself, she's top of her class, she's full scholarship. She's so intelligent, she's so driven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Type A personality, some would say.

[David Dastmalchian]

Type A, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I just did.

[David Dastmalchian]

She works until four in the morning on her schoolwork and then goes running because she pushes her body, her brain, to the extreme limits because she believes she's capable, but she has to push herself and she can rely on no one because that's the lesson life has taught her at this point in her journey. And she goes for her early morning run in a very frigid, cold Chicago morning. She runs right past the spot where the very famous sequence in ER of which Angela Bassett was trying to heal her son in the midst of a terrible seizure.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Sasha and Malia, yes, were there observing, thumbs upping.

[David Dastmalchian]

So Alex runs out and for those who have spent any time on the Chicago waterfront or know what that area around the Fullerton exit near Lakeshore Drive looks like, there are these big wooden posts that extend out of the edge of Lake Michigan and Alex is jumping from post to post. Why It's a ridiculous and horrible idea, especially when it's freezing cold out. And she slips, falls, busts her leg and descends into a freezing cold Lake Michigan. When suddenly a mysterious man who she's never seen before, who looks like he probably may be unhoused, reaches into the water, pulls her out, even though she was starting to really feel at peace as she descended below the. They say that it's the most euphoric feeling. Way to go. Yeah. He pulls her out, pulls her up onto the. To the sidewalk. It's freezing cold. This old man has a stroke and he goes unconscious. Alex is laying there, barely conscious. And a couple of passersby. Are they just friends? Upon walking by, say they're just friends. They're just on a warning line.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. But one of them might.

[David Dastmalchian]

And one of them says, should I call 911?

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? You put it in there? I didn't even notice it. And here I am, an ER fanatic, and I did not even notice it when I read the graphic novel. That's how deep I was into this.

[David Dastmalchian]

Coming into today's experience, and based on the research that you did into the correct pronunciation of my last name, I would have said Scott Aukerman is someone who definitely cares about the details. And now my theory has been challenged. So Alex wakes up in the hospital, in the er, if you will, in

[Scott Aukerman]

a Chicago, you know I will.

[David Dastmalchian]

And she is. She's greeted by a police officer, a detective, who says, glad you're okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

The one who's married to. What's it, Susan?

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah, you. You know, it's all connected. And he says, your leg is broke. Are you okay? And how do you know? Joseph said. Who's Joseph? The man who rescued you. How do you. You know is. What's his relationship as a grandparent something. She says, I've never seen that man before in my life. And he says, what? She says, why his pockets? This man who had pulled her out of the water, this strange, this seemingly unhoused stranger who collapsed and is now in the ICU in a coma, had pockets filled with little maps and little details and little notes just totally covering every detail of Alex's daily life. Where she lived, where she went, what she did all day. Her past. And Alex is like, totally freaked out. Why is this old man stalking me? Why did he save me? How does he know so much about me? And since no one seems willing to help her, and since the lesson of her life is do shit for yourself, she decides to go figure out where this man lived, considering he's now in the hospital, and he doesn't have any family that's come to claim him. And she breaks into his little studio apartment.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wanna stop you right here because I feel like this is the hook.

[David Dastmalchian]

You ready?

[Scott Aukerman]

Here it is.

[David Dastmalchian]

Here it is. I'm giving this. She breaks into this little apartment in Lincoln park near the Lincoln Park Zoo. Near Lincoln park, where the ER was filmed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Spend your free time at the free

[David Dastmalchian]

zoo in the car. And she breaks into this apartment in the middle of the night and discovers what looks like a hoarder's apartment. And there's a little work desk and a lifetime of work that's never been seen by any other human eye besides hers. And that work has been completely dedicated to Alex's life. And through that work, she enters a portal to another realm completely designed for her. Why? What's this about? What is the mystery? What is his connection to him?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's for you to read.

[David Dastmalchian]

That's for you to read. Me to know and you to find out. And Scott to.

[Scott Aukerman]

To remember. Thank you for the rest of my days.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah. I hope my book makes it. By the way, for those who can't see. And that's all of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think some people.

[David Dastmalchian]

Beautiful library.

[Scott Aukerman]

My actual place.

[David Dastmalchian]

Okay. Graphic novel collection.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, it is.

[David Dastmalchian]

If I can make it on the shelf, I'd be very happy.

[Scott Aukerman]

All you have to do is send it to me and along with a small stipend for placement.

[David Dastmalchian]

You got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll give you good placement. This is a. A fantastic graphic novel. This is a. A magnum opus. Some might say it's over 130 pages. Others might say and is. It's available not only in comic retailers, but also, I would imagine, bookstores, book retailers nationwide.

[David Dastmalchian]

Because it's published as a graphic novel that you. You know, when most of what I've put out has come as single issues, which then eventually get released in, if you're lucky, trade form. This is. This is now available in, you know, your. Your local Borders or Barnes and Nobles. What is still, like, who knows, where people read books? Rainy Day books.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

Anybody remember Rainy Day Books? No. That's all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it's. It's out there right now. How much. How much are we retailing for?

[David Dastmalchian]

You can buy the standard edition at $29.

[Scott Aukerman]

MSRP.

[David Dastmalchian]

MSRP.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Very good.

[David Dastmalchian]

You can also get the deluxe edition, which comes with a really special, beautiful slip case cover. And it has additional art pieces at 69. And there is a artists exclusive, which has. We designed these, like, morning prompt cards. And I'M really proud of them. Actually, part of this book, the Magic of the Universe, or whatever you want to call it, is like, I came up with the idea for this book before I was shooting that ER episode, like, in 2006. I was really fast. I had gotten clean. I was in Chicago. I didn't think I would ever act again because I didn't imagine that I'd be able to do this line of work without relapsing, to be honest, because it just can be so stressful. And so I had been contentedly learning a new trade, which was I was writing copy for telemarketing and working in telemarketing. And I was reading comic books constantly. And I was doing writing. I decided, like, writing is a safer place for me to. Even if I never put it out in the world, it helps me feel like I can be productive and creative and use my love of story. And I would go to the MCA in Chicago constantly because they had these free days that you could go. All the museums in Chicago have a free day that you could go each week. And. And there was this fascinating artist named Henry Darger. They'd found all of this work in his apartment in Lincoln Park. And he had been a janitor who never spoke to anyone. And when he passed away and the landlord came into his apartment to clear everything out, they found a lifetime of incredible work that they were like, how did this guy never share this with anybody? I mean, this is like. It's insane. It's thousands and thousands of pages of a story on par with Alice in Wonderland or the wizard of Oz with all this insane artwork and collage work. And I was like, who. Who does that? Who works in that. In that kind of secrecy? And what kind of magic does that concoct? Like, what could you do with that kind of focus? And that's where this story started to originate. And the years and the years and the years and the years and the years and the years go by. And I put together this whole idea and I pitched it to a couple of different publishing companies. And the one that seemed the most excited about it and wanted to go forward with it was Z2 Publishing. And they had such an ex. Just, they seemed to, like, really get it. They knew what I was trying to accomplish. And it timed up with. Because when you write, when you come up with a neat idea for a story, like, oh, here's a person that falls into this alternate reality, and here's this other realm, and all that stuff is cool, and it's interesting, but I Don't think it's enough to keep people turning the pages.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, the world building is fun.

[David Dastmalchian]

The world building is fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

But what's the engine? Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

What is the heart? What is the pulsing blood underneath the thing that makes it breathe, that makes it alive? And for me, it was. So maybe I'm not Alex. Maybe I'm not the exact same person. I'm not what you would describe as a Type A. But I do have this sense, and I fought it for years. And I think it's why I turned to drugs and alcohol. And then after that, like, relationship dependency and people dependency and all this control. Controlling the world around me has always felt like a safe way to keep myself from having to experience the potential of the things that scare me the most. So if I could control all of the pieces, which is a fool's errand in this life, because you just can't. But it gives you this false illusion of security. I. I was having a life collision moment. Right the same time that Z2 goes, hey, we want you to write your book. We're ready. Give us a script because we want you to meet this artist. I was like, I'm going through something right now. My brain is melting, and I'm just. My life feels like it's falling apart. I don't know how to, like, make it through another day. And it was beautiful. It gave me. And I don't believe in artist therapy. It's not what I'm saying. But I did happen to write this book while I was learning a whole shit ton about myself and my relinquishment of control. And also I thought that I understood what it meant to ask other people for help, because I have actually asked others for help in my life, but never to a degree that I actually really meant it. I think I went through the motions of asking people for help, but I always still maintained and retained a great deal of, like, the leash that I could hold on to. When you actually let go and you go, okay, I really can't do this. I need help. And that's what if Alex can't learn to do in this book, she will die.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a fascinating book and it's an emotional story and one that it sounds like. David, you came out the other side in a better place. After writing Listeners are going, I thought

[David Dastmalchian]

I tuned into Comedy Bang Bang. This is downer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me assure the listeners you have turned into Comedy Bang Bang.

[David Dastmalchian]

Thank you, guys. Thanks for indulging.

[Scott Aukerman]

This, of course, is the show where we talk to interesting people and you are an interesting. It's also humanity's podcast. It's also the animal kingdom's podcast, certainly, but. And I count you amongst humanity, of course, and one of the animals. All conversations are welcome here at Comedy Bang Bang. I will say we're coming up on a break. Can you stick around though, David, because we.

[David Dastmalchian]

Contrary to popular opinion, I don't have a very busy schedule. I just. I'll be here today all day. I actually moved in. Scott's allowed me to go through his library.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are those my glasses? Yeah, put them down. David's put on my glasses for some reason. We're gonna be right back. We have a healthcare professional. We also have someone in the automotive industry. This is a fascinating episode of Comedy Bang Bang. We're gonna be right back with more. David Dasmalchin will be right back after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence. Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer, and get paid all in one place. I hate going to a separate place to get paid. Now you can get paid right there at Squarespace. Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services and get paid with built in scheduling, invoicing and email tools. You can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates. No experience needed. Plus, built in SEO helps fans and clients find you while custom domains keep your brand polished and secure. Showcase videos, promote events or even monetize content. Everything is designed to help you grow your audience and your business. Check out squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Aura Frame is the perfect Mother's Day gift to capture the chaos that you put her through and the memories that came with it. Make a meaningful impression with a gift that feels personal from the very first moment. Photos can be preloaded before the frame ship so it arrives already filled with favorite memories. And a custom message can be added to create an extra special unboxing experience. Thoughtful, ready to enjoy, uniquely tailored. It is a gift that instantly feels one of a kind. Now I have said this before, I'm glad Aura's back. I think it is the greatest invention since gps. It's a frame that basically you just upload pictures to and they constantly cycle through every minute. Every couple of minutes you look over at the frame. There's another couple of pictures there that you, you took. And you're always, it's, it's a conversation piece. You're always like, oh, look, to remember that. I cannot tell you how many times a day we're gathering people over and going saying, hey, look at this. Do you remember when you were young like that? This is for a baby, not for your mother. Although I guess you could say it to your mother. It is a great, great gift. The best gift that I have given. It's named number one by Wirecutter. So you can save on the gifts moms love by visiting auraframes.com for a limited time. Listeners can get $25 off their best selling carver mat frame with code Bang Bang. So what that is is auraframes.com auraframes.com promo code Bang Bang. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. If you're trying to be more intentional about what you wear day to day, Quint can help with that. They've got pieces that feel easy, comfortable and still put together. The fabrics feel elevated and the fits are clean. Think 100% European linen shorts and shirts from $34. Lightweight, breathable and comfortable. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you would find at similar brands. And Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. We hate middlemen, don't we? So you're getting premium materials without the markup. I just got a couple of pairs of trousers from Quint. I got the Comfort Stretch Traveler 5 pocket pants in two different colors, dark, charcoal and ocean. Because when I like a pair of pants, I like to get them in different colors because I know they fit. And these are great. Quint. We even buy stuff for our daughter with Quint. We got a lot of stuff from Quint. We really love it. Refresh your everyday with luxury that you will actually use. Head to Quince.com Bang Bang for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now, by the way, available in kit Canada too. That is Q U I N C.com Bang Bang for free shipping. 365 day returns quint.com Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. David Dun is here. Of course. Of fame and fortune. Stage, screen and now the page. And do you have. We. We talked a lot about your graphic novel. Do you have any films we or TV shows coming up that are you going to be on the pit? I know it would be weird for that character to have moved to Pittsburgh, but I mean I can see it.

[David Dastmalchian]

It's not weird at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

He gets rejected by the girl that he's. He thinks he's more than friends with as he's walking his. Do they own a dog together or.

[David Dastmalchian]

The choice that we had to make was, I guess it's her dog and I'm just the friend that is a

[Scott Aukerman]

friend who's like, oh, yeah, I'll go for a walk. Yeah, sure. This guy's pathetic.

[David Dastmalchian]

I know. And so I'll buy the coffee.

[Scott Aukerman]

He gets rejected by her, and then he goes like, what else do I have? Let me just move to the pit.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'm going to the pit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Going to the pit. And then someone outside the pit, you know, pitfest happens or something like that. There's an active shoot or whatever. And he's. This guy is like, oh, I have experience doing this.

[David Dastmalchian]

Should I call? I should call instead of making it a question. He's evolved now. No more. Although. Yeah, I think my. The most interesting people are those who ask a question and don't deliver a statement. And I wish that he hadn't, but he needs his crescendo moment. And I think that it's not like you're angling me on the show for

[Scott Aukerman]

a major, like, you know, like. Like, you know, starring role on an episode or anything like this, you know, Although you certainly deserve one. But I think it would be. I think it would be fascinating just to have you, your character, just run by and call 91 1, and everyone kind of go, was that David?

[David Dastmalchian]

I want to be on Grey's Anatomy, the pit, all of them. I want to be the call.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're the 911 guy.

[David Dastmalchian]

Can I still be. Can I still be labeled as young man, though? That's the big question. We have a medical professional, though, correct?

[Scott Aukerman]

We do. We need to get to our next guest and let's welcome them. She's a healthcare professional, actually. Please. Welcome to the show, Dee Dee.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Hi. Hi. Hello. Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

So great to meet you.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So good to meet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is David.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Hi, David. Hi, David. I'm Dee Dee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Dee Dee. Wonderful to have you.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. I am, of course, a healthcare professional. I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what area?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So I am a Disney doula.

[Scott Aukerman]

Disney doula.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I am a Disney doula.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think I've ever heard those two words.

[David Dastmalchian]

Together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Together. Yeah. I mean, obviously I've heard of Disney. They bought Star Wars.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

And doulas, they help deliver babies.

[David Dastmalchian]

They deliver babies.

[Scott Aukerman]

What exactly is a Disney doula.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So a Disney doula is for women, and there are many who want to give birth at Disneyland. So I help women who it is in their birth plan to give birth on either the Haunted Mansion or Indiana Jones or any of these places that, you know, a little girl dreams about when she dreams about giving birth.

[Scott Aukerman]

How interesting. So, so these. These women have dreams of giving birth. Does that give them, like, Disneyland citizenship or.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes. So that is something that we are beta testing right now, because this is all, you know, it's been in beta, but we are launching.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you say it's been in beta, what do you mean? You. You haven't. You haven't done this yet.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So there are. There are a bunch, I would say, dozens of brave, brave women who have been under my care. I've been doing this for a few months, and then we're ready to go public.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you say under your care, are you taking them to Disneyland or are you.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I am taking them to Disneyland, yes. They are under my care, meaning they are under my Park Hopper reservation. Right.

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh, okay.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

They are coming with me. They are coming on the ride that they want to give birth on, and I help them through the process, and I do a lot of things for them leading up to the birth as well. I do Lamaze classes at the Tower of Terror, hence, now known as the Guardians of the Galaxy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guardians of the Galaxy. Yes.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It goes up and down, though, and that part stays the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would worry that if I were pregnant on the Guardians of the Galaxy ride, that it would go down really quickly and the baby would get forced back up into my stomach.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

That is something, Scott.

[David Dastmalchian]

Babies don't come from the stomach.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't come from the. Where do they come from?

[David Dastmalchian]

I don't want to talk about it right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Draw me a picture.

[David Dastmalchian]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know you're not.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'll make a graphic novel for you.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes. Make a graphic novel. We could use some literature, actually. So maybe I will hit you up.

[David Dastmalchian]

That puts a whole new spin on Splash Mountain. If your water broke while you're on the ride. I really am excited about this beautiful work you're doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would think you'd want the water to break in line, right? So that by the time you get on the ride, you're having a cut in line.

[David Dastmalchian]

You could be like, water break. We need to. You don't want to have a lightning pass. Doesn't matter.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes. We try and get the women who are almost where it seems like water's about to break. We try and get them in the FastPass line. So then that on the ride, they can have that big magical moment. And ideally, the photo takes the second.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would be the dream. Right.

[David Dastmalchian]

Moment that the photo is taken. The only place I think I would be comfortable doing it would be. And I've not, you know, I don't have to give birth. I have the easy part of that equation. But if I did, I would. The fun part. I would do it on It's a Small World.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, It's a Small World. We had a woman give birth on It's a Small World.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they have citizenship of whatever country they're in on It's a Small World?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I hope so.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, like, if you're in Switzerland anymore. Yeah, boy.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Gosh. I mean, we need to get in touch with the local governments. That's something that we're still working out before the.

[Scott Aukerman]

I consider It's a Small World to be an embassy of each of the countries that whenever you go into a different room, you're on, you know, British soil.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Right, right, right. In a way, you know, and the women who have picked It's a Small World have wanted to, you know, experience different things for their baby as soon as it comes out. You know, they want the baby to.

[Scott Aukerman]

To be cultured.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

To be cultured. To be well, well learned.

[David Dastmalchian]

If they want them to be cultured, they should definitely be doing it then on Pirates of the Caribbean, because I feel like that is.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

That is a wonderful place to give birth.

[David Dastmalchian]

Place.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many. I have to ask, Deedee, how many babies have you actually delivered? Because I hear you're in beta testing. You've not been incredibly specific yet.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes. So, okay, so in the beta round, we have had 12 incredible women, a Disney dozen, and they have each delivered babies on the Big 12 rides in Disneyland.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Big 12? What are we talking? We're talking 12.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Of course. Wars are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's hear it.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

Come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not sure why you picked such a large number, but let's hear it.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I love that number. I love the number 12.

[David Dastmalchian]

And it's 12 because it's true.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Pirates of the Caribbean Haunted Mansion. There is, of course, Tower of Terror.

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh, yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Then of course, we do the Haunted Note.

[Scott Aukerman]

For somebody who goes to Disneyland a lot, you don't seem to three for 12 of the rides that there are more.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I just. I'm. I'm a scattered. You talk about. Your character is type A. I am type freaking C. Okay. I'm all over the place.

[David Dastmalchian]

Okay.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

But nonetheless, Mr. Toad's wild ride.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's one of the big 12.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, I wouldn't want to give.

[David Dastmalchian]

I would not want to see a baby on Mr. Toad.

[Scott Aukerman]

They end up in hell.

[David Dastmalchian]

That's not a. That ride is wild.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's.

[David Dastmalchian]

Well aptly titled.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah, well, the woman who gave birth on that ride, she was number six and she. She was a goth, so she said she wanted something sick and twisted for her birth. She wanted to be, you know, around Mickey. But something that was sort of like.

[Scott Aukerman]

But she didn't want to do it on the Haunted Mansion. She wanted to go into Mr. Town's wild ride.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

She was scared of the Haunted Mansion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. She's a Goth Brady cat.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

She's a Goth Brady Cat. So she wanted to grapple with, you know, mortality and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Where. Where do we go after?

[David Dastmalchian]

Can you imagine getting on the Nemo ride? They. They lock you into that submarine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Finding Dory.

[David Dastmalchian]

Finding Dory. Okay, sure.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yep. We're hoping that's.

[David Dastmalchian]

That's down there. You're going underwater because it used to be the 10,000 leagues under the Sea. Now, I thought you meant Captain Nemo,

[Scott Aukerman]

but it is Finding Nemo.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

You're an Nemo ride. Now it's confusing. They lock you into the submarine. You're submerged underwater. All of they lock you. They. It's air sealed. It has to be. You're underwater.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone could get out.

[David Dastmalchian]

And then all of a sudden, and someone goes into live childbirth. Oh. Which you're. It's a. It's a tight space and there's no ventilation. The smell is.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a little musty down there.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah, no, you gotta triple, triple pinky swear that you are not a claustrophobe before you get in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does that work? The triple pinky swear?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah. Most women do abide by the triple pinky swear.

[Scott Aukerman]

I found that to be true.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I have found that to be. You know, it's sort of a thing of, like. It is an honor system, but. But if you make someone go through the step of, like, questioning their own character, they're like, yeah, I think. I'm not gonna lie.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the most popular ride? If you can name another ride, what's the most popular one?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, and I can. I think I can name at least eight.

[David Dastmalchian]

You know what? Cars would be exciting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, cars would be very.

[David Dastmalchian]

You better not let go of that baby. Are you catching the baby down there as the doula. I forget. Or do you actually bring someone in to deliver?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So, yeah. So Doula does all. All of that. Yes. So the most popular ride is. You hit the nail on the head. Actually, it is the car ride. People love those dang cars.

[Scott Aukerman]

They love it.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

They love lightning.

[David Dastmalchian]

Great ride. Can I. I mean, it's a great ride.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a great ride. You know, if you go in one direction, you. You end up getting a paint job. And if you go in the other direction, you end up doing something else. Isn't that fascinating?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It is fascinating.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would worry about the Indiana Jones ride because that big boulder would like, crush the baby, I would think.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah. And the girl who took that number eight, she was a freak.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was a freak. Really?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

She was an absolute freak.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what manner?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

In. Oh my gosh. Hair stuck up straight. Like Einstein.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like young Einstein.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Like young Einstein Just discovered an experiment. Yahoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Serious. These are references to something I'm sure you don't. You're a young woman, you.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I am a young woman. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know what who Yahoo. Sirius happens to be? Australian comedian.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Gosh, I wish I did. I wish I did too. I really wish I did. I want to connect with you on this.

[David Dastmalchian]

The more kid friendly. Know Paul Hogan there was weird. Who was Paul Hogan? Paul Hogan was pretty kid friendly too, but like the more sciency.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paul Hogan. If you watch that Crocodile Dundee, boy,

[David Dastmalchian]

did that not age well. I recently revisited that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some got some interesting stuff in there. Although they're putting out a. A cut that edits all of that out. That's great.

[David Dastmalchian]

Good for them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good for them. Good for the Crocodile Dundee family.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Good for them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

But I, you know, and, and, and I have this whole.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, do you not want to talk about Crocodile Dundee or Yahoo.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yahoo. You just keep.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, I love it. I love it. And I'm a listener. I'm an empath. And I want to hear about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to connect. No, you talk about what you want

[David Dastmalchian]

on the Dumbo ride.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So the rocket one is another one. Another.

[David Dastmalchian]

The rocket one.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Rocket rides the rocket one. The.

[David Dastmalchian]

You talk about space.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So it's in.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're talking. In Tomorrowland. You talk about the big.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I'm talking about Tomorrowland. And another one is the Goofy. Goofy's big tune in Toontown. The coaster in Toontown. There's been lots of women who seems

[Scott Aukerman]

like you would have, like, actually read some of these signs. If you've been in Disneyland so many

[David Dastmalchian]

times as often as you are.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I'm not. I'm not reading the signs. What is the most Busy living in the moment.

[David Dastmalchian]

What is the. What is. What is the. The food item most craved by pregnant women at Disney is It.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Churros. Lots of women, they scream for churros.

[David Dastmalchian]

Churros.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Churros.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah, Churros. Making more profit for the company Disney right now than all of their streaming combined.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love this. Yes.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Wow. Wow. Yes. We know that we have a monster product.

[David Dastmalchian]

We know who's carrying the economy of this country.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So I just want to let you know the launch is approaching.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm sorry, you're. The launch is approaching meaning. So you've been in beta and you have. These women have given birth successfully.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes. These 12 women, they have done it. The Disney dozen, the Big 12, have given birth on each of the Big 12 rides.

[Scott Aukerman]

And why is that beta testing? And why do you not consider it to be actual? I hate to get bogged down the details.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

That's a valid question. So it's beta testing because we haven't told anybody about it. It. We haven't told the Disney Corporation. Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

Corporate.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

We haven't told. We haven't told Bob Iger. Yes, we have. As Disney have not told anybody that we're doing this.

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh, wait, you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You actually work for Disney?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I thought you were. I thought you were just a person who was.

[David Dastmalchian]

She's the only thought.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I was a kooky character. Kooky neighbor.

[David Dastmalchian]

No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, every. Look, I got to be honest. This is a crazy show. Every once in a while, we get, like, real weirdos on this show.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I just. I thought you were some, like, you know, person who had nothing to do with Disney, who. Who just shows up at the park. You're from Disney.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

No, no, no, no, no. I am from Disney. Disney knows about this. The mouse is aware.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so when we said Disney didn't know anything about this, that was wrong. Disney actually is aware.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So. And I don't know if I would have said that. I don't know if we need to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who knows? Who knows why anyone says anything?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Maybe we'll check back the tape.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But. So Disney is aware of this. We're ready to do the rollout. What do you have planned for the big rollout?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

So the big rollout. We're doing big super bowl ads.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa. For next year.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

For next year. We want to get a lot of babies born in Disney because we think it'd be really fun to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you want people to have sex during the super bowl to get pregnant?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes, I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that they can have their babies by late 2027?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes. We'd like for it to be. Ideally, we'd like for those Babies to be arriving, sort of when we put

[David Dastmalchian]

the Christmas tree just in time for the Oogie Boogie Bash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right.

[David Dastmalchian]

That's exciting.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know the Yogi Boogie Bash.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes, of course. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know all this from the movie.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, don't make me say it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Remember,

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I thought it was a night to remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is.

[David Dastmalchian]

It will always be. Remember the first time I saw that film. Will always be a night to remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Saturday morning.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Gosh, it's a good movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really is classic.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah. So we're hoping those babies arrive when we put the Christmas lights up, Christmas parade and all that, so that we can have a lot of Christmas babies being born at Disney. We just think it's really fun. We at Disney have done a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, are you worried about any of the babies? You know, it may not be the optimal place or the most hygienic place, you know, like that Splash Mountain. Honestly, that water is recirculated how many times throughout the day?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, 100 times.

[Scott Aukerman]

100 times? Really?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

100 times. And you know, it is. Of course there's people. There's going to be doubters. There's going to be doubters out there.

[Scott Aukerman]

People, of course.

[David Dastmalchian]

Well, there's people, of course.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

And they're going to be seeding seeds of doubt. They're going to be saying, you know, mickey Mouse is not an obgyn. Don't make him do this. They're going to be saying things like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

De. We're talking about the haters right now.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

We're talking about the haters. Haters. Haters and losers, if I may swear. Haters and losers who want people not to become the coolest, most awesome version of themselves.

[Lyle Vanity]

How awesome?

[David Dastmalchian]

Weird. Because, you know, Six Flags is pitching the whole death doula thing right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, I didn't.

[David Dastmalchian]

Your loved one is about to pass. You go to Six Flags, you can get on the major rides and they will help with the pass. But I don't want to steal your thunder. Sorry, go back. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they're doing. I was wondering if maybe the opposite

[David Dastmalchian]

of the competition is out there and they.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

And do you know. And Can I. Can I talk to you for a second? Second? Have they already.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want me to leave?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

No, no, no, it's okay. I'll just. I'll just talk directly to you for a second, please. Have you. Is there. Have they already rolled this out? Have they already launched this?

[David Dastmalchian]

As far as I know, I think they've had the. The.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Six Flags. How many people.

[David Dastmalchian]

16 is what I heard the six flags. 16. Oh, no, that's more than the 16 big rides at Six Flags. Yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, shoot.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Okay.

[David Dastmalchian]

Well, apparently, down, down, down. At Knott's Berry Farms, if your animal, your pet, your love.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. If you want to euthanize your.

[David Dastmalchian]

Ready to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? They'll do that and serve it as fried chicken. That's just the way it goes.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

All right, well, I'd like to see Knott's Berry Farm give birth with all that jam laying around. It'd be a huge imposition.

[David Dastmalchian]

We wouldn't want to get things mixed up in that department.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah, no, this is.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is way better because this makes sense. How cool would it be to be like, you know, where I was born, People. People always go, ooh, what hospital? Hospital. Is it Cedars?

[David Dastmalchian]

It's happened. It's hap. No, it has happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

It has happened. Like, how many babies have been born prior to your initiative? How many babies have been.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

The unregulated babies.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

The unregulated. How many babies have been born?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

We've had. Over the course of Disneyland's history since 1955. Since 1955. I think we. Well, we've had somewhere around 30 babies being born.

[Scott Aukerman]

30 babies now, it's been 70 years, so that's about one every two years or so. Two and a half years. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

But they. You know, and they have not wanted to make this super public. They've not wanted to, like. These are not. These are sort of. Can I say this? Accidents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It's sort of a.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is people who did not want to give birth at Disneyland. They were just trying to fit one last baby.

[David Dastmalchian]

July 4, 1999, the first baby was born at Disneyland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[David Dastmalchian]

And if it was born in the hall of Presidents, I would be like, that's wild.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would be crazy. If they then grew up to be present. Wow. Whoa.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Wow. I mean. I mean, the history is just breathtaking when you really take a look.

[Scott Aukerman]

History really is. But so. So now you want people. Because attendance must be down. The economy being what it is, you actually want people to plan their births here at Disneyland.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It's. It's just another thing to be doing. You know? It's another thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's another thing to be doing. You're right. When you think about life that way of, like, I need more things to be doing.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Doing there is just something. Yeah. Aren't you bored? Can I say something? And forgive me if this makes me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please, please, please.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

A hospital is a boring place to give birth.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, it's a boring place.

[David Dastmalchian]

More like germ and bacteria infested than Disneyland itself.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Exactly. You want to give birth around all.

[David Dastmalchian]

There's more medical risk, probably in a hospital than in Disney.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, not.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

You don't want to be doing that.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not boring if, you know, it's the show ER and there's complications with the pregnancy.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'm bringing it back to er. Of course.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Of course. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's usually a pretty exciting episode, but

[David Dastmalchian]

it's a very exciting episode.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

No, but there's a lot of. And, you know, you think that people don't think to do this, but there are so many women, so many millennial women out there who are. Who grew up with Disney, who love Disney, who want these characters to be present during this moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course they want a Jasmine, you know?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes, Ariel. One woman. She was a. Bless her heart. She's a wonderful, wonderful woman. She is a CEO of a company that sells lotion. I'm telling you, I've said too much. But she is this Gwyneth Paltrow. This is Gwyneth Paltrow.

[David Dastmalchian]

They sell rotisserie chickens and lotion.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I've said too much.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've said too much. But it is Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't. And that's probably the part that you said that is too much.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Cannot.

[David Dastmalchian]

Too much. You said it out loud.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

But I've said too much. Okay. But she. Oh, my gosh. Okay. So she. She gave me birth, and the first person to ever hold her baby girl was Goofy.

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Lyle Vanity]

Wow.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

And she cried. She cried so much.

[Lyle Vanity]

Who wouldn't?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

She sobbed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, he's got those big, big gloves, too. Like, I would imagine he'd be really good at delivery, too.

[Lyle Vanity]

Catch the baby.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Exactly what he sounded like.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll tell you what. Golly.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, my gosh. Were you TV show.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Goofy Movie sequel.

[David Dastmalchian]

I should. I got screwed out of that casting. I. Every TV show has they're going into labor episode, the Halloween episode and the.

[Lyle Vanity]

The.

[David Dastmalchian]

The going into labor. Those are my favorite. And I'll never forget the Mickey Mouse Club going into labor episode that was.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. When Annette Funicello just, like, had triplets right there.

[David Dastmalchian]

Dropped on the floor. It was incredible.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Magical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know who Annette Funicello is?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Of course I do. Of course I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think I'm the last living person to know who she is?

[David Dastmalchian]

Beach blanket bingo. Do you, Frankie, have them on? Let me tell you, I'm.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Say I. You make it, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about Cubby from the Mickey Mouse Club? Do you want to talk about Cubby at all?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness. If you get me talking about Cubby from the Mickey Mouse Club, we would be here all day posting on my

[David Dastmalchian]

TikTok about Frankie Avalon. I'm 50.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you watched the Dread Zeppelin documentary yet?

[David Dastmalchian]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. Okay. Yeah, that's. Everyone watches it on their 50th birthday, so I wanted to make sure it's classic.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I can't wait. I can't wait for that to happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll get.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I just want to give a message to all the women out there, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is your time.

[David Dastmalchian]

All the women. It is International Women's Month.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes, it is.

[David Dastmalchian]

And in honor of International Women's Month. And a message from Deedee.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Exactly. In honor of International Women's Month, a message from me. Get out of the hospital, girlfriend.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get out of the hospital and into that flume ride or roller coaster or.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Or get in the. Keep your hands hard, arms, feet and legs and baby for a little bit. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on to your hats, glasses, and infants.

[David Dastmalchian]

You don't need a wheelchair.

[Lyle Vanity]

You need a safety bar.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right, exactly.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Get in there. Spice up your life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dee Dee, Is your name short for Disney? Disney

[David Dastmalchian]

Dee Dee. I'm a DD, too. Did you know that? I'm David Desmalchen. You're dd I knew it.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

And I'm dd Well, yes. You. You. You knew I was trying to cover up Disney Dozen.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're. You're. You're heir to the. The Disney fortune.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes. My name is Disney. I don't speak with my sister Abigail anymore, understandably. Understandably, of course. The whole thing going on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Dee, we. We need to take a break, if that's okay. Can you stick around?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, fantastic. Because we have someone from the automotive industry coming up. So this is. We want to talk to everyone on this show.

[David Dastmalchian]

Cars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cars. Oh, my gosh. This is coming full circle. Maybe he's called 911 as well.

[David Dastmalchian]

Mr. McQueen, here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here we go. We're gonna come right back with more Dee Dee. More David dimalchin. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

After this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your outdoor space should feel like you. Right. But it can take a long time to get there. Now we have an outdoor space here at our house down out in the backyard. And before Wayfair, we didn't have any chairs there. People, they came. They either stood or they. They had to stand on their. Their head or their hand doing handstands the entire time. And that can get exhausting when you're just trying to have a few canapes. You know, just trying to pass the cav around caviar and you know we had to get some. Well, enter Wayfair now. Whether your vibe is modern, coastal, farmhouse or eclectic, Wayfair has the pieces to create an outdoor space that is uniquely yours. We got some chairs out for the backyard and people are finally thanking us. Oh, I'm not exhausted anymore when we come over to your place. Oh wow. My tushy actually feels comforted and cradled by these chairs. I mean they're just saying they're sitting on the chairs, but look, these are comfortable chairs. I love them. Now with filters, customer reviews and visual tools that help you actually imagine how the item will look in your space, Wayfair makes it simple to narrow down to what works for your style and your budget from everything they have. Everything from outdoor seating and grills to lighting and decor. Look, Wayfair is your one stop shop for home. I hate stopping at more than one stop when I'm shop. Installation and assembly services are available to create a truly seamless experience and look. If you want an even faster shortcut to the good stuff, shop Wayfair verified products that their team of specialists have vetted by with their own hands using a 10 point quality inspection. Get prepped for patio season. For way less head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that is W A Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair every style, Every Home On Etsy you can find

[David Dastmalchian]

your favorite person a gift as special

[Scott Aukerman]

as they are, like a custom leather camera strip to celebrate your photography obsessed friend. For special birthday gifts that say I get you shop the Etsy app. America's best network just got bigger. Switch to T Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our 5 year price guarantee and now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.

[David Dastmalchian]

Best Mobile Network Based based on analysis by oogle of speed test intelligence data 2H 2025 bigger network the combination of T mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage, price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

[Scott Aukerman]

See t mobile.com for details. Comedy Bang Bang David Dimalchin is here of course. His new graphic novel through is out in stores right now. Available from E Tailors and retailers everywhere. And it's around 130 pages.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'm talking just a Little over.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little bit over that.

[David Dastmalchian]

But don't let that scare you, kids. Step right up. You'll fly right through it. Or if you're like my family, they'll say, that look neat.

[Scott Aukerman]

It did look neat. And it read neat as well. We also have DeeDee here, aka Disney Disney, from the Disney Corporation. Any. Any updates?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes, I just got an exciting update over the break.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

A 13th woman has just given birth to twins on Thunder Mountain Railway.

[David Dastmalchian]

Big Thunder Moun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It is great news. And a Minnie Mouse was there for

[David Dastmalchian]

all of it, for the kitchen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Really?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes. So we're very happy over at Disney.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Is there any ride you would. You would say, like, maybe we don't want him.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Maybe we avoid. Maybe we avoid. I remember there was a Snow White one that was underwhelming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So just for the aesthetic experience of it.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I don't like the vibe of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

And I don't think a baby would like the vibe of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that also was the one that back when I was a kid, they said that was the scary ride that you had.

[David Dastmalchian]

It was in it still kind of silly. The Peter Pan ride. Oh, I love those. Those are my favorite, those ones. The Pinocchio is terrifying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the thing about most. Most of these rides at Disney are terrifying, aren't they?

[David Dastmalchian]

Depending on the weather. You don't want to be having a baby on Jungle Cruise. It's been hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It can be tough. But there's some funny jokes on that Jungle Cruise.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Yeah. There's a toucan. What do you call three toucans? A six pack.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It's just so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we do need to get to our next guest. He works in the automotive industry. I don't know in what respect, but I'm sure by talking to him, we'll figure that out. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Lyle Vanity.

[Lyle Vanity]

Hi, Scott. David. Dee. How are you today?

[Scott Aukerman]

Doing really good.

[David Dastmalchian]

Hey, Lyle.

[Lyle Vanity]

Pleasure to be here. Amazing. Good to hear it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's so good to meet you. Now, I don't know that much about you. I. Forgive me. I read David's whole graphic novel, and yet I don't know a lick about you.

[Lyle Vanity]

No, that's totally fine. You might not know much about me. Part of the reason why I'm here is to let people know what I'm up to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Standard talk show kind of thing. Like, you come onto a talk show to let people know what you're up to and Then people then are informed and they can make decisions about whether they either go to your business or.

[Lyle Vanity]

Absolutely. And I tend to have a more high end clientele and so a more average person might not have heard about my services.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you saying that we are the average?

[Lyle Vanity]

Oh, not you of course, but your, your listeners probably. I mean we've got.

[Scott Aukerman]

And yet I have not heard of you, so.

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, that's because it's a, a well kept secret. And so it doesn't have anything to

[Scott Aukerman]

do with the high end clientele delineation necessarily. Right.

[Lyle Vanity]

It might have more to do with the fact that this is a new business and I'm still in the process of shaking hands and flat handing. It's flat handing.

[David Dastmalchian]

A lot of burgeoning businesses on the show today.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[David Dastmalchian]

Breakout day. This is like Shark Tank.

[Scott Aukerman]

It feels as if business is back, especially on Comedy Bang.

[Lyle Vanity]

I definitely feel like that booming.

[David Dastmalchian]

The gas prices are just going way down. Everything is happening. It's exciting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us about what you got going on.

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, so I'm sure the three of you here have had the experience of purchasing a car.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's I, I have been lucky enough to purchase probably four or five cars in my life. I tend to hold on to them. I'm no Jay Leno certainly, but I tend to hold on to these cars for a bit of time.

[Lyle Vanity]

Successful man like you. What are you driving? A Maybach Lamborghini.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not quite sure what a Maybach is. So maybe I'm not the high end clientele that you. But, but no, I, I drive a, but a simple car. It's a, you know, just a high end BMW.

[David Dastmalchian]

Well, that, that, that's purchasing every man's vehicle.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I'm a regular people. Joe Plummer, the proletariat.

[Lyle Vanity]

Four wheels, that, well, that's perfect. Those are the types of cars that I deal with all the time. And, and let me ask you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Lyle Vanity]

Once you completed the purchase, you signed the paperwork.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had people do that for me. But go ahead.

[Lyle Vanity]

There was one more step that you probably took a man like yourself to customize your car a little bit to put yourself out there, there.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not, I, I, I don't know what, what exactly.

[Lyle Vanity]

No car purchase is complete without a vanity license plate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[David Dastmalchian]

God, I love a good van. I just saw one on my way here today. Yeah, Randy and Randy. R N D Y N la. So I was like, either his name's Randy or he's getting Randy, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, maybe both.

[David Dastmalchian]

He's up to a little trouble.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, Adam Scott has one that sever me in.

[Lyle Vanity]

Sever that. So that is a great example. Both of these are great examples of a way that a vanity license plate can communicate your identity to people when you're on the road.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's what we want to do. Right, because we want.

[Lyle Vanity]

I mean, of course, I mean, you bought the high end bm, but you've only got seven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seven characters.

[Lyle Vanity]

Characters, exactly. And, and, and that's where I.

[David Dastmalchian]

Stresses me out, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you. That you help people.

[Lyle Vanity]

That's where I come in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

This sounds great.

[Lyle Vanity]

Scott.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'm in.

[Lyle Vanity]

You've bought a high end BMW. You're going down to the DMV to get your official license plate. And you probably asked them for something like Mr. Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I did ask. I, you know, I said, can you give me something like a Mr. Bang Bang or.

[Lyle Vanity]

And they probably said to you, well, sir, we'd love to give you Mr. Bang Bang, but as David pointed out, that's too many characters.

[David Dastmalchian]

Too many characters.

[Scott Aukerman]

Especially the way I spelled mister, which was M, I, S, T, E. Exactly.

[Lyle Vanity]

So you would then if you're at the Beverly Hills dmv, which is where I'm, where I'm stationed.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're stationed there. Wait, hold on. Lyle, do you, you work at the dmv?

[Lyle Vanity]

I don't work at the dmv. I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see you.

[Lyle Vanity]

Working on my own accord.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you wait, you have a, like a little pop up outside.

[Lyle Vanity]

You could call it a kiosk. A pop up.

[David Dastmalchian]

That's like an ambulance chase. Or do you follow everyone off the lot with their brand new vehicle?

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, that's sort of what I started with. And the people at the DMV said that California state law did not allow me to run private business on DMV property.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so.

[Lyle Vanity]

So you have to walk over to the Pepsi vending machine and located outside of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

The actual building.

[Lyle Vanity]

I know it's, it's by the bathroom sort of. If you go past.

[David Dastmalchian]

I know the one you're talking. Oh, that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes. If you go past where they have the computers for the driving, the One

[David Dastmalchian]

that had Mr. Pib, it's got Sierra Mist, Mr. Pibb Pepsi.

[Lyle Vanity]

It no longer has Sierra Mist. Now it has Starry Soda, Pepsi's new soda. Yeah, the replacement for S A Mist.

[David Dastmalchian]

It's. It's good too.

[Lyle Vanity]

PIB Extra is actually, there's a PIB Extra in there. There's a Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Cherry Pepsi, Starry soda.

[Scott Aukerman]

Starry, yeah. So is this the important part that you want people to remember or.

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, the important part is that I help you remove the letters, the extra letters from Mr. What you want to put on your vanity.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. So you, you're there as almost an editing service. Yes.

[Lyle Vanity]

A consultant, if you will.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it.

[Lyle Vanity]

And the vending machine part is important because that is how you find me. I am inside the vending machine, of course, because I'm not supposed to be out there conducting my business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you. Is this a. Is this a fake vending machine that you know?

[Lyle Vanity]

It's a real vending machine. I wake up at 4am every morning. I go down to the Pepsi factory, I get myself inside of a pallet and then when they go to to replace a vending machine every day, I get myself in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to say that you're sort of minimizing the details about get myself into a palette because that's the part that I'm not really picturing. What do you.

[Lyle Vanity]

So a pallet has.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know what a palette is. No. Yes.

[Lyle Vanity]

So I have to remove some of the bottles from the pallet.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see.

[Lyle Vanity]

So I keep the bottles around me and I am, I'm in the middle of the palette.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're in the. Oh, I see. So the. What is. What is on the palette? The bottles on the pallet. You put yourself into the delivery.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yes.

[Lyle Vanity]

So I have to displace some of the bottles so that there's room for my body.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Lyle Vanity]

I wear a reflective vest so that if someone were to inspect would look like there were more bottles of the rest of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. So it's a mirrored vest so that. I got it. Okay.

[Lyle Vanity]

Exactly. Then they, you know, they take me down to the. I have to make sure to get into the palette that's actually going to the palette.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many times have you gotten into the wrong palette?

[Lyle Vanity]

I would say once a week. I get into the wrong palette pallet because they don't have their, their warehouse is a little bit confusing.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I have their fault.

[Lyle Vanity]

It's. It's certainly not my fault. I mean, I'm a high end businessman. I've crossed my TE's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where do you end up when you get on the wrong pallet?

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, sometimes I'll end up at a, a vending machine in the Best Western on Franklin.

[David Dastmalchian]

The one on Franklin?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

Cuz there's only five Pepsi vending machines in Los Angeles.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been clocking these.

[Lyle Vanity]

That's right. So I've been to all five of those vending machines. Of course, this is a new venture, so I've been doing this about three months. I've been. The one vending machine that I usually am is the dmv, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Lyle Vanity]

But the other four, I know them pretty well because I've ended up at each.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long does it take you to figure out you're in the wrong place?

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, when people approach the. The machine, they're supposed to do I've. They're supposed to do like, a little knock.

[David Dastmalchian]

Right.

[Lyle Vanity]

So that, like, they're supposed to make

[Scott Aukerman]

it look like there's a secret knock.

[David Dastmalchian]

I bet if they're at the Best Western, they're not looking for vanity license plates. They're looking for prophylactics or ice buckets.

[Lyle Vanity]

Exactly. So they're supposed to, you know, pretend like they're banging into the machine to try to get a bottle to fall out.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is. I have to say, this is a bit of a complicated situation. They have to pretend as if they

[Lyle Vanity]

have tripped and something stuck in there, and they're. I'm trying to get my bottle. There's a serious.

[Scott Aukerman]

In order to alert you to the fact that this is a.

[Lyle Vanity]

Exactly. Right. So either they don't do that because they don't know about this because they're at a Best Western, they're not looking

[Scott Aukerman]

to get evaded, or they. Someone actually ends up bumping into the machine.

[Lyle Vanity]

Right. Their bottle got stuck because I'm in there. And the gears are sort of.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

What happens when someone actually buys something. Does it hurt you? Because it's kind of spinning around what I assume are your arms.

[Lyle Vanity]

So there's. There's sort of a series of claws and.

[David Dastmalchian]

And I love that kind of machine, that. I love those laws and gears. It pulls it to the window, it drops down.

[Lyle Vanity]

There's machine.

[David Dastmalchian]

I love those.

[Lyle Vanity]

That. That moves the bottles around and.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this ends up scraping you.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yeah, Pinching my.

[David Dastmalchian]

This ain't your grandpa's pinching your what now?

[Lyle Vanity]

Pinching my penis or my earlobe or

[Scott Aukerman]

another part of whatever is protruding out of your body at that particular moment. Yeah. Okay.

[Lyle Vanity]

Usually is the penis. So that was the first thing I say. I didn't mean to make anybody uncomfortable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Understandable.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

No, no, no.

[David Dastmalchian]

Not uncomfortable at all.

[Lyle Vanity]

This.

[Scott Aukerman]

This comedy Bang bang is a PG13 podcast.

[David Dastmalchian]

Hard 13.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hard 13.

[Lyle Vanity]

PG13. That's a good abbreviation.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you can say. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So you're in a. Again, back to the abbreviations.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yes, that's right. Mr. Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Instead of talking about the process of actually obtaining your services, of course. Well, let's, let's get into what you would actually do in my situation.

[Lyle Vanity]

Okay, so, so you go, Mr. Bang Bang. They say we can't do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's too many characters and I'm wrecked.

[Lyle Vanity]

You're, you're gutted.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm an emotional just shell of a person.

[Lyle Vanity]

You were just ready to step into, into this identity, this new car, drive around on the road, let everybody know I'm here.

[David Dastmalchian]

Right.

[Lyle Vanity]

And now they're telling you, sorry, that's not going to work.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do I do at that point?

[Lyle Vanity]

So you walk over to the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, now we know everything about walking over to the Pepsi machine, bumping into

[Lyle Vanity]

it all that you bump into it. So I know that you secret signal on the keypad. You type in.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's more to this.

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, yes, the Pepsi machine has a keypad on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Lyle Vanity]

You type in what you were going to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I would have to type in

[Lyle Vanity]

Mr. Mr. Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you would be able to translate that somehow because with every number there's three letters. So.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes, so this is I. This is one of the more advanced Pepsi machines.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[David Dastmalchian]

So it has that, that 24.

[Scott Aukerman]

A full 26.

[Lyle Vanity]

It has, has like a full keypad.

[Scott Aukerman]

24, you said 24. Who are you, Jack Bower?

[Lyle Vanity]

It has a full.

[David Dastmalchian]

I write. I write. Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll notice in your graphic novels that you don't use two letters.

[David Dastmalchian]

I never use the letter. It's hard cuz one say E. Yeah, that's a vowel too.

[Lyle Vanity]

Another good abbreviation.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great one. ET New branding.

[David Dastmalchian]

ET Phnhm.

[Lyle Vanity]

E, T. Phnhm. That would be an old school, excellent vanity license for him.

[David Dastmalchian]

Not for you of course, but for Scott.

[Lyle Vanity]

Different people.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so I've typed Mr. Mr. Bang.

[David Dastmalchian]

Mr. Big typed in Mr. Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happens then?

[Lyle Vanity]

So then I basically figure out what you typed in based on what the machine starts doing with the, with the bottles. And I go, okay, Mr. Bank, there's

[Scott Aukerman]

a formula you've trained your body to do when it's poked and prodded in a certain way. That's right. And your penis is pinched several times

[Lyle Vanity]

pitched, depending how it's pitched. It might be an R depending on how it's.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It's beautiful. It's kind of like Morse code.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yeah, it is. It is sort of like Morse code.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what Morse code is, by the way? Because the way you said that by the way, it is, it is sort of like Morse code.

[Lyle Vanity]

I swear, I swear it's like Morse code.

[David Dastmalchian]

I know. Yahoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Serious.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It's okay. We all. No, we. We all know lots of things.

[Lyle Vanity]

We all know lots of things today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. We're all people of. Of.

[David Dastmalchian]

Of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of high intelligence.

[Lyle Vanity]

Exactly. And that's why you're coming to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Okay, so once you figure this out via the pokes, the prods, the penis pinches.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes. Then I go, okay, Mr. Bang Bang. I've got to remove some letters. And I charge by $5 per letter that I remove.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Now I've come into you with a M, I, S, T, E, R are B, A, N, G, B, A, B.

[Lyle Vanity]

So let's see, that's five, four is nine. I said about 13 letters. Mis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's 14 letters.

[Lyle Vanity]

15 letter. 14 letters.

[Scott Aukerman]

14.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yes.

[Lyle Vanity]

So I have to remove seven of those. So Mr. Is easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mr. Is easy. We're going to get rid of the. The I, the S, the T and

[Lyle Vanity]

the E and just like er.

[David Dastmalchian]

But it's Mr. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, gosh. It's going to be tempting for me not to just.

[David Dastmalchian]

Do you think er. Co. Star fits?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, er. Coaster. Especially with hyphen. It's close with the hyphen, though.

[Lyle Vanity]

Now if. If while you're doing this, you decide, wait, I don't want to be Mr. Bang Bang. You can. You can enter a new thing if you change your mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't that be confusing to you?

[Lyle Vanity]

It would. And it would hurt A lot.

[David Dastmalchian]

What were they? The windbreakers? No. Wind talkers. The code breakers? The Morse code break. He's the wind talker.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's sort of an Alan Turing.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kind of guy. In terms of like, I do feel like.

[Lyle Vanity]

I do feel like I'm becoming one with this machine. I sort of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, I gotta admit, that's a separate conversation. Yes. The fact that you're becoming like the

[David Dastmalchian]

Singularity and becoming Headroom meets the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. You know Max.

[David Dastmalchian]

You know about Max Headroom, right?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Of course. I couldn't know more.

[David Dastmalchian]

Max Headroom did Pepsi commercials.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course he did. He's on the Art of Noises Paranormal.

[David Dastmalchian]

Absolutely.

[Lyle Vanity]

You know Max Headroom?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I know Max Headroom and I know his Pepsi commercials. I watch them all the time on I spot. I'm always laughing at that. But that's amazing, though. You've become a machine.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes, of course, that's not the relevant part here. But it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I don't. I'm afraid we don't have time to get into you becoming machine. We need to. We need to figure out. We need to solve this, because right Now I have Mr. B, A, N, G. That's 10 letters.

[Lyle Vanity]

Mr. Is a common abbreviation. I, I, I, I'll give you a discount on that one. That, that'll just be $1 per letter removed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so four do. I'm up to $4 right now. Okay.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes, $4. Okay. So bang. Bang. So we've got two letters. So we have to get that down to five. There's a few ways that we could go about this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Lyle Vanity]

One is very simple. We just remove one of the bangs and then pluralize the remaining bangs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like Mr. Bang squared or.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes. So we could do Mr. Mr. Bangs with an S. Mr. Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've worried that people would think I'm a hairdresser at that point. And I would, you know.

[Lyle Vanity]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd be getting a lot of women who want to, like, change their whole look, you know, Like. Yes. Flagging me down.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Mr. Bangs. Mr. Bangs.

[David Dastmalchian]

Mr.— Bangs, please give me a train.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course.

[David Dastmalchian]

And that is something very aggressive. Lover.

[Lyle Vanity]

Right? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. That's another thing. Yeah.

[Lyle Vanity]

So you don't want to be associated with being a hairdresser.

[David Dastmalchian]

Why do you have against hairdressers? Go ahead.

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, what do you have against hair?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, look, I have nothing against hairdressers. I just don't want to be misconstrued as one because I have no skills. Sure.

[David Dastmalchian]

You don't have a certificate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Yeah. Do you ever do, like, minus, like Mr. Bangs minus hair. Hair.

[Lyle Vanity]

Mr. Bangs minus hair. So the dash. Unfortunately, in other states they do allow you to the dash.

[David Dastmalchian]

Character.

[Lyle Vanity]

State of California.

[Scott Aukerman]

You wouldn't be able to get. Yeah, thanks, Nome. Thanks a lot.

[Lyle Vanity]

Er, co star. But maybe er. Young man, there's no Y N, G, M N. Yes. Y, N, G, Y N, R, Y

[Scott Aukerman]

N, G, M N N. Yeah.

[David Dastmalchian]

Er, that, that looks good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. Right?

[David Dastmalchian]

Here's what you don't. Here's what you don't know about me. My commitment to shit. The next time I get to be on the show, if I get to be on the show, I'm gonna ask

[Scott Aukerman]

you to come outside, check out the

[David Dastmalchian]

vanity plate on my everyman BMW.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what are we doing with my Mr. Bang?

[Lyle Vanity]

Okay, so you don't want Mr. Bangs.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Lyle Vanity]

So another option would be Mr. Tubang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mr. Two. Bang.

[Lyle Vanity]

Mr. Number. Mr. Number two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mr. B A N G. I worry. I worry about the Mr. Number 2.

[David Dastmalchian]

Like, I'm like Mr. BNG x 2M

[Scott Aukerman]

BNG NG x 2 x 2. That looks like a regular license plate.

[David Dastmalchian]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And of course, we but here's the thing, Scott.

[David Dastmalchian]

It's got to be a little insider. You don't want just anybody knowing like in the Pavilions parking lot. That that's Scott A. Because they.

[Scott Aukerman]

If it's too obvious with my Mr. Bang Bang.

[David Dastmalchian]

I mean what about the stalkers?

[Lyle Vanity]

That's true. Some high end clients prefer to be a little.

[David Dastmalchian]

Little anonymity in this mean be a little more discreet. You got to be like you. Do you donate stuff in your name or do you do it, you know, anonymous.

[Lyle Vanity]

So Mr. Mr. BNG X2. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you could.

[David Dastmalchian]

He doesn't like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's okay.

[David Dastmalchian]

He doesn't like it.

[Lyle Vanity]

That. That you're Mr. Bing.

[David Dastmalchian]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like Mr. Bing Crosby.

[Lyle Vanity]

Mr. B. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mr. Chandler Bing.

[David Dastmalchian]

Depressing Mr. Chandler.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

But I know who the other one is, by the way. But anyway.

[Lyle Vanity]

Or someone from Microsoft.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Mr. Like. Like I'm the guy who's gonna Bing everything instead of googling it. Yeah.

[Lyle Vanity]

Right. And we're gonna get. And you're going around saying we're gonna get twice as many people getting on Bing this year.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what you're trying to expect. Yeah. I don't. I don't.

[David Dastmalchian]

Which is gonna happen. I predict Nostradamus actually predicted that we

[Lyle Vanity]

could do is we could. We could keep the both of the bangs but. But remove letters from each and hopefully keep all the letters there.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like this. So Mr. B.N. okay.

[Lyle Vanity]

B, A G. We've still got all the letters.

[David Dastmalchian]

Mr. Bean Bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mr. Bean Bag.

[David Dastmalchian]

That's a fun party guy though. I love Mr. Bean.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I do think fun.

[Lyle Vanity]

Sometimes the vanity plate that you want to do do just. Just isn't possible. And so you might want to go, maybe I could be Mr. Beanbag. Rename the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like I could change the branding to Mr. Beanbag. Look, I changed it already once.

[David Dastmalchian]

Comedy Beanbag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Comedy Beanbag.

[David Dastmalchian]

Comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not the worst idea.

[David Dastmalchian]

Bing Bong. Who didn't love inside out.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. Yes, exactly.

[David Dastmalchian]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Maybe. Comedy Beanbag. Comedy Bean.

[David Dastmalchian]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to Comedy Beanbag. I. Yeah. Yeah. I could maybe. I could maybe work with that. Do you find that that's usually what happens.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is you end up making people change their own business names.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes.

[Lyle Vanity]

A lot of times. And I don't want to say it's because people are so frustrated with the process of typing the thing into the vending machine every time. But I think a lot of times people do end up going, you know what? I'll just be Mr. Beanbag. That's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, is Mr. Beanbag already taken, by the way?

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, no. Just hypothetically.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I want to make sure.

[Lyle Vanity]

But I do need to. I do need to check on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Earning man. Yes, yes, for David.

[Lyle Vanity]

I'll check in my database to see if anyone's dumb.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your database?

[Lyle Vanity]

It's just a list of all of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've written this down by hand, I'm noticing. This is like a. Yes. You've written down every license plate that exists in California.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yeah, well, as I see them on the road, I write them down.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're doing this by eye.

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, I don't have access to the DMV.

[David Dastmalchian]

He's on 405. Just with a little note, writing them down.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many accidents have you gotten into? This seems distracting.

[Lyle Vanity]

About five accidents.

[Scott Aukerman]

About five.

[Lyle Vanity]

About five, give or take.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are we talking? What? Give or take how many? How many what? In real hard data, how many?

[David Dastmalchian]

Six. That's not terrible.

[Lyle Vanity]

It was a little bit.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Considering the work, it is about five.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yeah, I lowered it to five.

[David Dastmalchian]

He's uninsured.

[Lyle Vanity]

But I'm getting to work every day through the Pepsi pallet truck, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. So there's no danger to people out there?

[Lyle Vanity]

No danger to people out there. But yes, I write them down by hand. Of. I don't have access to the DMV's databases. Of course, I have asked them several times. They don't want me around there. I'm not sure I would even. I can't really use my phone inside the vending machine because the frequencies sort of.

[David Dastmalchian]

They disrupt the actual C M E D Y.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, hashtag, hashtag CMD ey.

[David Dastmalchian]

No, wait. CM E D, Y, C M E D Y. So you'd get that committee C, M E D Y, either exclamation point, exclamation point, or hashtag, hashtag pound pound bang

[Scott Aukerman]

bang pound committee Pound pound.

[David Dastmalchian]

Comedy paying comedy pound pound.

[Scott Aukerman]

I could just change the name to that.

[David Dastmalchian]

I feel like there's a new player in town.

[Scott Aukerman]

David, you're pretty good at this.

[Lyle Vanity]

I am. I'm so sorry, but the. The pound sign is not available in

[Scott Aukerman]

the state like Acre is. He flew too close to the sun.

[Lyle Vanity]

But I appreciate your enthusiasm.

[David Dastmalchian]

This is really legendary. Wings.

[Lyle Vanity]

Thrilling work.

[David Dastmalchian]

Yeah, thank you. This.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, this sounds great. How did you get interested in this kind of work?

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, I'm something of a 90s kid, so I grew up in AIM chat rooms where it was very important to remove letters from the words you're saying because you're on a dial up Modem. And your mom has a important phone call.

[David Dastmalchian]

She has to. My first email address was an aol. And I wanted. I loved the band. I wanted the band. I loved the band Spiritualized, so I wanted D. Spiritualized, so I did D, S, P, R, T, L, z [e-mail] and everyone who would get my email go, Desperate Lizard. What's up, Desperate Lizard or Disperdled? Disperdled.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Lyle Vanity]

Did you find yourself going, oh, you know what I mean. I'm Desperate Lizard.

[David Dastmalchian]

I did. I gave in.

[Scott Aukerman]

That could be like your. Your company name. Your desperate company. The Desperate Lizard.

[David Dastmalchian]

My new. My new company.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Interesting. So you're. So you're a 90s kid.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What other stuff do you like from the 90s?

[Lyle Vanity]

Yeah, let's see. I can name 12 things that I like from the 90s.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what?

[David Dastmalchian]

12 major 90s things.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

12 things.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to hear the 12 things, but I'm afraid. Afraid we're running out of time.

[Lyle Vanity]

Running out of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I'm so sorry. But Lyle, this is. This is great stuff. People can get. Can get to know you at the. The Beverly Hills.

[Lyle Vanity]

Beverly Hills dmv. We won't exactly be meeting face to face, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. So you never pop your head out or. How do you. How do they pay you?

[Lyle Vanity]

So the way that, that works is once I come up with. With the license plate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Lyle Vanity]

I then sort of ring up inside the vending machine how much they owe me.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you do. How do you manipul that? Via your penis as well.

[Lyle Vanity]

Or there's this special wire that happens to be close to my penis. I don't just happen. I don't need to use my penis,

[Scott Aukerman]

but it happens to be the proximity.

[Lyle Vanity]

And I don't have a lot of room in there. And so I just gotta. And I use that to.

[Scott Aukerman]

To charge. To ring up the.

[Lyle Vanity]

To go into the console on the. On the vending machine so that it displays to them how much they owe. They put the money in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it.

[Lyle Vanity]

I drink a full bottle of Pepsi and then I put inside the bottle. The empty bottle.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes. If they gave me too much, I put their change in there, which is actually great because a normal vending machine, they'll give you like 18 quarters or something.

[David Dastmalchian]

Sure, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you put dollar bills inside an empty Pepsi bottle.

[Lyle Vanity]

Exactly. Along with the. Their vanity license plate that I've come up with. And I put it in the bottle and. And release it through the machine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic. And how many satisfied customers?

[Lyle Vanity]

It's impossible for me to know Because.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you're not actually speaking to.

[Lyle Vanity]

I'm not actually speaking to.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much money have you made with this so far?

[Lyle Vanity]

$20,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you can't argue as exact.

[David Dastmalchian]

You can't argue with that.

[Lyle Vanity]

You can't argue with that.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

That is a living.

[David Dastmalchian]

That is a great living. The amount you're saving in like fuel costs. You're not having to drive yourself to work.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

This is the Beverly Hills.

[David Dastmalchian]

Your overhead is so low.

[Lyle Vanity]

That's right. For the high end clientele.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Well, Lyle, vanity, this is an incredible opportunity for people out there.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And David, I expect next time I see you to. For you to be earning.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'll be absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we're running out of time, though. We only have time for one final feature on the show and that is of course, a little something called plugs.

[Lyle Vanity]

Plug back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plug back.

[Lyle Vanity]

Open up the plug

[David Dastmalchian]

bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, that was. What's better than one plug bag? Eight plug bags by Jackson Rohrbaugh. Roba, maybe Rorbaugh Rohba. That sounds right, right? Roarba. Roarba. It's like a lion in Ebenezer Scrooge. Right next to each other.

[David Dastmalchian]

R O A R B A H R O A. That's his vanity plate. That's his vanity plate.

[Lyle Vanity]

Perfect seven.

[David Dastmalchian]

That's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ultimate seven.

[David Dastmalchian]

Roar B.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, guys, what are we plugging? David, obviously your graphic novel through is out right now.

[David Dastmalchian]

Buy through. You can buy it online or you can go to your local book retailer. You can go to your local comic shop. Keep your eyes peeled for the accessories from Panic and Kingdom of Earth from Dark Horse. And if you would be so gracious, go online, order Count Crowley or Knights versus Samurai or Creature Commandos all by David Desmoulchian. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic. Deedee. Disney. Disney. What are we plugging?

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Well, if you are a woman looking to give birth in a magical way, you can go to www.mydisneybirthplan.org. but also I expect this to be

[Scott Aukerman]

a working website, by the way.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes, of course, of course. What can a domain cost? 12 dol. Of course it's worth it. And then you can also listen to an improvised Hollywood roundtable podcast that I listen to called Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists. And follow someone on Instagram named Kylie Brakeman.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little someone named Kylie Brakeman.

[David Dastmalchian]

She is little artist on artist on Artist on Artist on Artists.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, four, four.

[Lyle Vanity]

Type all four Ao Ao AO A A perfect seven.

[David Dastmalchian]

Seven Perfect.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yeah, I'll be sure to email her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of perfect sevens, let's Talk to this perfect two over here.

[Lyle Vanity]

Oh, I really. That really got me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, I don't like to comment on our guest physical.

[Lyle Vanity]

I really thought you were gonna call me a seven. I really thought that's where that was going. I mean, it's probably good that I'm in that machine and people can't see what I look like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lyle, Vanity. What do you want to plug?

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, I would like you to. If you're looking. If you're looking to add some style to your car, come down to the Beverly Hills dmv. Of course, the Pepsi vending machine. Try Starry Soda. It's really good.

[David Dastmalchian]

I've never had it. He's getting it.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yeah, it's. It's new.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this one. This is one of the ones right by your penis.

[David Dastmalchian]

Sierra Mist.

[Lyle Vanity]

Yep, it's the one there happened my penis. This happens.

[David Dastmalchian]

It's D3. Some of the starry bottle D3 they'll

[Scott Aukerman]

rub up against as they get released into.

[Lyle Vanity]

It's a weirdly designed machine because a lot of this stuff seems to be very close to my penis. And then there's other parts where there's

[Scott Aukerman]

like, oh, wait, by the way, you got into the machine the way you wanted to be as well, so it's. It's not as if it's the machine design fault.

[Lyle Vanity]

Well, I don't have so much control over how the. The guy from the Pepsi factory shoving me in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay. All right, all right.

[David Dastmalchian]

Fair.

[Lyle Vanity]

Come on down. Get a vanity license plate. And I'd like to plug the Instagram of one of my clients, James Manion. It's @James Manion0 on Instagram. Check that out.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a client of yours. Oh, he got a vanity license plate?

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes, he got a vanity license plate.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is his vanity license plate?

[Lyle Vanity]

It's Mr. Bld. P.P.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mr. Beld. Peepee.

[Lyle Vanity]

Mr. It's actually short for Mr. Bald Pimp.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think I would get.

[David Dastmalchian]

I wouldn't have gotten that. I thought it was a Mr. Belvedere reference, which Dee Dee's a big fan of. The old Mr. Belvedere.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I have all the shirts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you remember when he sat on his own balls?

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh, God. What about the really heavy episodes?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh, yeah.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Made me cry.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do I want to plug? Hey, look, Comedy Bang Bang. We're out on tour coming up soon, so you're going to want to go out and see us. Check out all of our [e-mail] tour and also while you're there at Comedy Bang Bang World. We have so many great shows over there. We have the entire archive of comedy. Bang. Bang. Every episode ad free. Every live episode we've ever done. We have other shows like the Neighborhood. Listen. We have. Hey Randy. We have this book changed my life. We have Heinz. I'm proud to meet you. We have Collegetown. We have the Womp It Up. So many great things going on over there. Oh, you gotta head over to cbbworld.com. all right, let's close up the old plug bag. I just earned 50. I wanna close the bag, baby step on in. I wanna close it tight. You know the way to win.

[David Dastmalchian]

I wanna close that bag. I wanna make it right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So just close that bag. Hold those lanyards tight and then loosen the bag and let it open wide.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'm just opening the bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got no place to hide. Put things in it. Cause it's so open fast. And if you don't want that, kiss Sweet Chat's ass. That's how we open the bag. And everybody sings. Open the bag with the ring. And now you know. And now you know. Oh, speaking of Dread Zeppelin. Boy, that was exciting for 50 year olds, wasn't it? That was a Bag of Hope remix by Vic Freeze. Thank you so much to Vic Freeze. And guys, I want to thank you so much for being on the show. David, welcome to the onetimers club. So pleasure. So nice to have you.

[David Dastmalchian]

Long overdue.

[Scott Aukerman]

Long overdue. Especially for someone who contributed the snacks to what's right up there. Look at that on my wall.

[David Dastmalchian]

That's exciting and exciting, full circle moments.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I truly hope that you get to go out there calling 911 on all of our favorite medical shows. I think that would be, you know, you, you, you could be like the Detective Munch of medical shows. Guy who calls 911 and moves from city to city.

[David Dastmalchian]

It's his thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's his thing. That's what he likes to do.

[David Dastmalchian]

Everybody needs a thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

He likes to be around emergencies and call and call for help.

[David Dastmalchian]

Should I call 91 1?

[Scott Aukerman]

He is a young man. Listen to his voice break.

[David Dastmalchian]

Should I call 911

[Scott Aukerman]

and Disney. Disney, so wonderful to meet you.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh, so good to be here. I just had. There's four waters that just broke near Splash Mountain. And I. Every day of my life is amazing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it does sound amazing to be you.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It's to be me. To be a girl in this world with this job, it's fantastic.

[David Dastmalchian]

Magic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also being the heir to the Disney fortune.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

The money's pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

I mean the money's pretty awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is more just like a weird hobby that you have as an eccentric billionaire.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

It's just kind of my eccentric.

[David Dastmalchian]

To somebody who's had a medical emergency at Disney, I do want to say that's very exciting.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was your medical emergency?

[David Dastmalchian]

Oh my gosh. My poor daughter, when she was just three, fell face first onto a curb and her tongue went through her teeth. And all of a sudden, from no nowhere, the nurses dressed like they were out of 101 Dalmatians, like they're from another time. Came out with little carts and there's all. Disney has so much amazing infrastructure. And then they take you right into a building that looks like an old timey Disney movie set hospital. And they brought her in and they had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did Ratatouille operate on her?

[David Dastmalchian]

Not Ratatouille, but they did have some. An ice pack from Olaf. And she was so touched. She must have been so gave her an ice pack and it was kind of amazing. So you guys are doing God's work.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Oh my gosh.

[David Dastmalchian]

I just want to say thank you to the medical community at Disney. Bless you.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you, the billionaire heiress.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

Yes, yes.

[David Dastmalchian]

With your vanity project.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of vanity project vanity, we want to thank you. Lyall Vanity.

[David Dastmalchian]

Wow.

[Lyle Vanity]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You getting back in that machine anytime, anytime soon?

[Lyle Vanity]

Yes, tomorrow morning I will be up bright and early at the Pepsi factory plug. Not soon, because it takes. It's a long process to get into that thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but I mean it's worth it. 200. How much money you made?

[Lyle Vanity]

$220,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, $20,000. I thought it was 250. That's less than I thought.

[Lyle Vanity]

250,000. No, I give or take $20,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, $20,000? How long have you been doing this? Three months.

[Lyle Vanity]

Three months?

[David Dastmalchian]

That's a pretty good.

[Dee Dee (Disney Doula)]

That's pretty good.

[David Dastmalchian]

I'm in. Impressed.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're talking to a guy with a high end BMW, I don't know, 80k

[David Dastmalchian]

sitting in a dang Pepsi machine at the DMV. I'm proud of you. This is America.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are we talking? 80k for the year three?

[Lyle Vanity]

Yeah, 23 is 1/4 of 12.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's not even six figures and you're sitting in this hot machine.

[Lyle Vanity]

I guess it's more money than James Manion makes, I'll tell you that.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, easier client. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks everyone. Bye. Breathe in. Feel the sense of calm that comes from having up to $300 in overdraft protection with Goto bank now. Did you say $300? Yes. Now back to our breathing.

[David Dastmalchian]

So if I overspend my balance, go2bank has my back up to $300.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[David Dastmalchian]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[David Dastmalchian]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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