
Actor and writer David Dastmalchian discusses his new graphic novel “Through,” as well as his experience appearing on a very special episode of television. Healthcare professional Didi announces the launch of an exciting new maternity experience. Finally, Lyle Vanity offers to find you a unique identity for your car.
Loading summary
Scott Aukerman
America's best network just got bigger. Switch to T Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our five year price guarantee. And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores. Best mobile network based on analysis by
David Dastmalchian
Oogle of speed test intelligence data 2H 2025. Bigger network. The combination of T Mobile's and US
Scott Aukerman
cellular network footprints will enhance the T
David Dastmalchian
Mobile network's coverage price guarantee on talk, text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.
Scott Aukerman
See t mobile.com for details. Avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start.
David Dastmalchian
Thumbtack knows homes so you don't have to. Don't know the difference between matte paint
Scott Aukerman
finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is. With thumbtack, you don't have to be
David Dastmalchian
a home pro, you just have to hire one.
Scott Aukerman
You can hire top rated pros, see price estimates and read reviews all on
David Dastmalchian
the app download today.
Scott Aukerman
That's one small step for man, one giant leap for an even smaller man. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Henry Linnell for that catchphrase submission. Henry Linnell, thank you so much. Not gonna stick unfortunately, Henry, but thank you so much for trying. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Au an exceptional show. Coming up a little later, we have a healthcare professional, someone who tends to the sick, I would imagine. We also have someone in the automotive industry. Don't know whether that's on the tending to the sick cars, AKA mechanic or whether that's in the selling of them. We'll figure that out a little bit later. But let's get to our first guest here. Let's Terry no further. We're 30 seconds into this show. I gotta get to him. Right. He is our guest of honor. He's joining the exclusive, exclusive one timers club here on Comedy Bang Bang. He is an actor from so many things that you would know. Blade Runner 2049. Let me finish. 2049. We know him from the DC universe as the Polka dot Man. We know him from the Marvel universe as, oh, what's his name from the Ant man franchise. All three of those movies. He's miming right now a penis on top of his head or perhaps a triangle. A conehead. He's a conehead. He plays the head. Beldar Conehead from the Ant man universe. So many incredible projects. Primarily fans of this show would know him from his one episode of ER in season 12, I believe. As a young boy, did you have
David Dastmalchian
a name in that, yes. Young. Young man.
Scott Aukerman
Young man, yeah.
David Dastmalchian
He was a young man. He was a dog walker. He was a dog walker and he was in Linkin park and he was with his. What he, as an actor prepared to believe was on a day date. Although what the actress revealed to him in the midst of their improvising off camera and off mic, they were just friends.
Scott Aukerman
And just so there's no confusion, she
David Dastmalchian
made exceptionally clear, has gone on to be one of my best friends, by the way.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, really?
David Dastmalchian
Yeah. I just saw recently, I think I filmed that in 2008. It was the second time I'd ever been on a professional set.
Scott Aukerman
What was the first time, if you don't mind me asking? Then I'm going to steer it back to er, because that's what I mainly interested in.
David Dastmalchian
The first time I was ever on a professional film set. Aside from commercials, of course, which are professional.
Scott Aukerman
Those are very professional courses.
David Dastmalchian
I had made a couple of fun commercials with an exceptional filmmaker, by the way, by the name of Chris Smith. And I'd love to discuss Chris's work. We could do a whole podcast about Chris's film, American Movie.
Scott Aukerman
It's interesting than the ER thing, but I don't know. I do love American Movie.
David Dastmalchian
American Movie is a masterpiece. So we're filming this sequence in which I'm walking my dog on what is not a date with my friend in Lincoln park, and we come across a woman, her husband and their child in the throes of a medical emergency. I'm really glad we actually have a healthcare professional on the show today. We might be able to discuss and dissect this, but the child was in the midst of a epileptic seizure and the mother, played by Oscar winner Angela Bassett, of course, was yelling for help, while her incredible husband, who's also a fantastic actor, Courtney B. Vance, was trying to get them help. And I say, should I call 91 1? And they don't respond to me, so I'm kind of a little bit out
Scott Aukerman
of frame because they don't have lines to respond to you or the reality of the scene. They just.
David Dastmalchian
They're so caught up in them. And she's a doctor, she is a medical professional, so she doesn't need.
Scott Aukerman
And your character knows this and that's why you're doesn't. Normally I would just call the 911.
David Dastmalchian
This character, your character was hesitant. This character wanted residuals, wanted to be seen delivering lines on camera so that he would get a title as a co star. But it was interesting. I was doing a Play nearby in Linkin Park. Linkin Park's just an integral part of my life story. I went to College at DePaul University, which is in Lincoln Park. I used to spend my free time wandering the free Lincoln Park Zoo. I spent a chapter of my life not being facetious homeless, in which I lived in a car that was parked in the Lincoln park and would live in the Lincoln Park Zoo.
Scott Aukerman
I. Wow, the connections there.
David Dastmalchian
I was doing a play near there, and I remember walking when we wrapped to go back to set. But here's the best part of that story. This was in 2008. Yes, in the fall of 2008.
Scott Aukerman
I believe it was season 12.
David Dastmalchian
It was season 12. And it was directed by David. David Z. Come on. He's gone on to make all of the Walking Dead shows, which is really interesting, but the.
Scott Aukerman
A lot of people wouldn't like this amount of detail. But for an er, fanatic like myself who just rewatched all 15 seasons, I am loving it.
David Dastmalchian
Are you a political. Do you get excited about political stuff? Yeah, sure. So I'm in Lincoln park and we're gonna shoot this scene where I'm walking a dog and I see Angela Bassett. And my trailer was next to Angela Bassett's. And I'm a big fan. Fan of Angela Bassett. Who isn't? And she was standing there, and she was there with a friend and some kids and I. And I wanted to say something to her and I. But we. We. She was very nice to me. We're standing next to each other, me, Angela Bassett, her friend, and their kids. And I wasn't really paying attention to anything because I was so overwhelmed. It was only the second time in my life I'd been on a professional set. I was very nervous, and there was, like, security detail everywhere. Like guys in suits with earpieces. I was like, angela Bassett won an Academy Award.
Scott Aukerman
She warrants. But amount of security, intense.
David Dastmalchian
I was just.
Scott Aukerman
Is what's.
David Dastmalchian
What. What is. Is Clooney back for a surprise guest?
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that would be amazing. You say, should I call 911 and. And then George Clooney grabs your phone and goes, I'll do it.
David Dastmalchian
I'll do it. So I'm standing there and people are running to us, running to us. And the security is. I was like, wow, Angela Bassett's a big. And then I realized as I looked to friend who was next to me, it was Michelle Obama. And the election was days away.
Scott Aukerman
Days away.
David Dastmalchian
They were in Chicago getting ready for the big.
Scott Aukerman
And she visits the ER set on her Way to the election.
David Dastmalchian
Well, she had heard about this young actor up and comer, who'd only been in one professional project before and who had.
Scott Aukerman
Who had, by all accounts, one line is that future of the.
David Dastmalchian
Well, one line is one way to look at it.
Scott Aukerman
Sure, sure. The. The other way to look at it is. Didn't have all the other lines.
David Dastmalchian
Thousands of moments, though.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Many choices in that one line.
David Dastmalchian
It's amazing.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
David Dastmalchian
Er, I mean, the pit tries to take all the credit nowadays. We who were on ER know, especially if you were a co star like me, and you only had one line that. The detail that they put into that show, the way someone would say, should I call 911?
Lyle Vanity
You just.
Scott Aukerman
How many takes did you end up doing?
David Dastmalchian
I got to do two takes.
Scott Aukerman
Two takes, that's good.
David Dastmalchian
I got to do two takes. And he was like. He was like, good job, good job. They're moving on. And I was like, is two takes, though.
Scott Aukerman
If you're like me, you get two takes, you go, did I fuck it up or did I do it so good that they only needed two?
David Dastmalchian
All I think is, did I? Or I don't think did I? I go, oh, I fuck.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, I fuck that.
David Dastmalchian
Oh, that's. And they.
Scott Aukerman
And they. It's a hopeless case.
David Dastmalchian
I'm never getting a residual.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
David Dastmalchian
I'm never getting a credit.
Scott Aukerman
Were you. Did you. Did you watch it on Thursday nights at 10pm saying, I hope they didn't cut my line out?
David Dastmalchian
Well, being in the Midwest, it was on it. Weirdly, it was 9pm, even though we were technically part of the year, two time zones away. I don't know how that math works. And I'll never figure out. I also don't understand how TV works to explain the way my brain contemplates these things. So an entire episode of ER will pass, which it still does. I'm still watching 9pm Thursday night ers. And I go, how is this. How is this working? And then it. Then the show goes by, then it
Scott Aukerman
goes by and then it's gone. And then you're like, oh, wait a
David Dastmalchian
minute, I think, did I get my line in, though? Do I get a residual? I. How.
Scott Aukerman
How much? If. And by the way, you can call your accountant. I've had guests do this during the show. You can call your accountant if you like.
David Dastmalchian
I'd say about $7,000.
Scott Aukerman
$7,000 total over.
David Dastmalchian
Over the last 15 years.
Scott Aukerman
Since 2008.
David Dastmalchian
Yeah. 17 years.
Scott Aukerman
So, yeah. Yeah. So seven. Seven total, you think?
David Dastmalchian
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
How much on the day?
David Dastmalchian
How Much on the day was like $800.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
David Dastmalchian
And then in the years since there's.
Scott Aukerman
It started with, like, probably get 800 again.
David Dastmalchian
800. But then it's worked its way down
Scott Aukerman
and it goes all the way down.
David Dastmalchian
Nowadays, I could. Over, like, several years, you know, it'll say $0.03, $0.27, $0.16.
Scott Aukerman
Still for one line on ER, who's gonna complain?
David Dastmalchian
And I gave an opportunity for the future first lady of the United States, one of the most important people in American history, to get to be graced with the magical way in which I was delivering the line.
Scott Aukerman
You think she watched your take?
David Dastmalchian
I know she did, as a matter of fact. In fact, when I walked back to my set, the kids, her daughters, who were very. Of course, they were all like.
Scott Aukerman
They gave you a thumbs up, by the way. I had to translate that for the listener.
David Dastmalchian
They gave you a thumbs up, not a visual medium.
Scott Aukerman
And you're sure that wasn't. To your now good friend who you were. Grace to insist.
David Dastmalchian
Grace. Rex, I hope you're listening to this. Grace is now on. She recurs on the show Severance. She's a phenomenal actor. We made lots of fun things together. You know, they go to those dinner parties. I forget the name of the character, but they go to the.
Scott Aukerman
I haven't seen it. Adam's one of my closest friends.
David Dastmalchian
And you haven't watched his show?
Scott Aukerman
No, because he's so. He's always like, oh, I'm on this show Severance. I love being on this show Severance. I'm just like, shut the.
David Dastmalchian
He just rubs it in your face.
Scott Aukerman
You know what I mean? Now I'm offer only. And so I don't get the kind of opportunities that he, you know, begs and scrapes his knees to try to get. You know what I mean? So, like, I just take whatever comes my way.
David Dastmalchian
He auditioned 76 times for Ben Stiller for that role. He did 76.
Scott Aukerman
Exactly. And Ben Stiller had him doing lines from Meet the Parents together just to see how he would roll with it. He's like, I have nipples, Adam Scott, can you milk me? It's crazy stories. So I refuse to watch the show. But I'm glad that she's on that. And I do need to introduce you because I haven't even said your name yet. And that's gonna be an incredible treat for the audience.
David Dastmalchian
Here's your test. Let's hear it, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Here we go. He has a new graphic novel out right now called Through. Please welcome David Dastmalchian.
David Dastmalchian
That was perfect.
Scott Aukerman
Perfect.
David Dastmalchian
That was perfect.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much.
David Dastmalchian
That was the best pronunciation of my last name I've heard in a very, very long time. I want to give you flowers right now.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you very much. I watch several YouTube videos. That's really nice. That's the kind of attention to detail that you get from a comedy. Bang, Bang.
David Dastmalchian
But that feels good because sometimes when people don't. And I'm not here to, you know, criticize, but I do think if you have someone as a guest on your show, it would probably be nice to know how to say their name.
Scott Aukerman
It would. And there have been. Have there been. Maybe 50% of the time when I forget to even think about it. And then in the moment I'm introducing them and realize I have no idea how to say it.
David Dastmalchian
Sure, yeah.
Scott Aukerman
But with you, I wanted to take the time and prepare because you're our guest of honor.
David Dastmalchian
Thank you. That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Welcome to the show. Welcome to the One Timers Club.
David Dastmalchian
I appreciate it. It's great to be here. I've been a fan of yours for a very long time, and I, as a matter of fact, spent some time on the set when you were doing the show on camera.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. You were telling me you painted some of the mural behind Kid Cudi's.
David Dastmalchian
My. Yes, my. Partner. Person with whom I've made children.
Scott Aukerman
We had sex with someone.
David Dastmalchian
Yes. She was. She is a phenomenal muralist. And our dear friend Katie Birmingham, who's a phenomenal production designer and was working with you for a long time.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. She redesigned the entire set when Kid Cudi came in. And it sounds to me like.
David Dastmalchian
And so she said to Eve, like, do you want to do a mural? And Eve did a mural. So I was helping bring the paints and I was helping make deliveries.
Scott Aukerman
I think some of it is right up there on that front. It sure is.
David Dastmalchian
I saw it when I walked in.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, there it is.
David Dastmalchian
There it is. And it turned out glorious.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. You can sign it. Although taking it out of that frame would be an issue, so forget it.
David Dastmalchian
So my contribution was bringing. Helping deliver paints and snacks and coming while she was working and.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, wait, you didn't actually paint him.
David Dastmalchian
I didn't actually put the paint on the wall.
Scott Aukerman
Now you walked in here all big and said, I helped paint your thing. You brought snacks.
David Dastmalchian
I think I said, I helped with your mural. I helped get that mural. But here's the thing. Katie Production designed a film that I wrote and produced. And if I hadn't hired her for that, then she wouldn't have known to bring this brilliant muralist onto your show. So in a sense, I'm kind of
Scott Aukerman
thinking you made it all happen for
David Dastmalchian
the success of what Comedy Bang Bang has been and has become.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much. I went downhill that season, but I
David Dastmalchian
appreciate I have an attorney that's gonna be reaching out to.
Scott Aukerman
That's okay. I don't need to suck that. That's an off my conversation. David, so wonderful to have you on the show. Been such a fan of your work through the years, ever since that fateful ER episode.
David Dastmalchian
Thank you, Michelle Obama. That's almost where it all began.
Scott Aukerman
And you're an incredible actor. But what I've heard about and yet had not experienced up till now is you are also a writer of the graphic novel medium.
David Dastmalchian
Thank you.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. I didn't compliment you.
David Dastmalchian
No. You acknowledged something that to have that in my title that that's on my like CV now. Like, you are a writer. You are a writer of graphic novels.
Scott Aukerman
It is produced. You've also written some other ones previous to this, but you have a new graphic novel. Approximately how many pages are we talking? Is this 64?
David Dastmalchian
Is it 108 through is 100. It was supposed to be a 120.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
David Dastmalchian
And I believe when I first delivered it turned at 132. And then I need. Right before we went to print, I reread it and had a crisis of conscience and I asked if I could get more.
Scott Aukerman
More pages.
David Dastmalchian
More pages. And Z2, my amazing editor, Rance at Z2 and publisher and head of the company, Josh, they, they were like, David, we're literally sending the proof right now to printing. And I was like, I know guys, but I can't end it this way. And they let me add another. So I believe it lands at 136.
Scott Aukerman
Wow.
David Dastmalchian
They had agreed to 120, but we made it to 1:30 and did.
Scott Aukerman
The artist was cool with it. Who is it, by the way? The art is phenomenal. Who is the artist who does Cat Stags?
David Dastmalchian
Cat Stags has done work for all the big dugs in town. But when I was getting ready to make the book and Z2 had gotten on board, we were just looking at different artists and I had different criteria that I was looking for. And Rance had suggested Cat and I had already been a fan, so looked at through her stuff and reached out and she liked the script enough to agree to want to embark on such a long.
Scott Aukerman
I mean it sounds to me like it was around 130 some odd pages or so. Yeah, I mean that's the data that I received a lot of pages and our friend David Mack does the COVID to it.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Genius.
David Dastmalchian
Genius.
Scott Aukerman
This is a beautiful, beautiful book. Thank you. And do you want to describe the plotter?
David Dastmalchian
So I'm going to bring it all back around. All right, first of all, I'm speaking. Does it have anything to do with this? Er, for those who are watching, it does connect to er. You ready? So I'm looking at Scott's beautiful blue eyes. Over his right shoulder is a photograph of Michelle Obama, who is looking at me.
Scott Aukerman
Michelle and Barry are over there. Yes.
David Dastmalchian
But Michelle is. She's the star of that photo and she's literally smiling at me over Scott's shoulder as I'm telling this story. And to full circle the moment even more. The story of Thru begins on a very cold morning in Lincoln Park. As our hero Alex jogs through Lincoln park, literally. Right. The setting of the opening of this book is right where I shot that scene in er.
Scott Aukerman
Did you think about adding any dialogue? Like little tiny speech bubbles?
David Dastmalchian
Are you ready?
Scott Aukerman
Say, like, should I call 91 1?
David Dastmalchian
I know you're trying. You're making a joke. Did you know? And I know this is a comedy show, but I think these moments in life, in the universe, are kind of magical. So Alex is the hero of my story. And she is a freshman in college, she is an orphan. She is the basically penultimate kind of ideal of an individual who has just done it all on their own. She has basically raised herself, she's top of her class, she's full scholarship. She's so intelligent, she's so driven.
Scott Aukerman
Type A personality, some would say.
David Dastmalchian
Type A, sure.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, I just did.
David Dastmalchian
She works until four in the morning on her schoolwork and then goes running because she pushes her body, her brain, to the extreme limits because she believes she's capable, but she has to push herself and she can rely on no one because that's the lesson life has taught her at this point in her journey. And she goes for her early morning run in a very frigid, cold Chicago morning. She runs right past the spot where the very famous sequence in ER of which Angela Bassett was trying to heal her son in the midst of a terrible seizure.
Scott Aukerman
And Sasha and Malia, yes, were there observing, thumbs upping.
David Dastmalchian
So Alex runs out and for those who have spent any time on the Chicago waterfront or know what that area around the Fullerton exit near Lakeshore Drive looks like, there are these big wooden posts that extend out of the edge of Lake Michigan and Alex is jumping from post to post. Why It's a ridiculous and horrible idea, especially when it's freezing cold out. And she slips, falls, busts her leg and descends into a freezing cold Lake Michigan. When suddenly a mysterious man who she's never seen before, who looks like he probably may be unhoused, reaches into the water, pulls her out, even though she was starting to really feel at peace as she descended below the. They say that it's the most euphoric feeling. Way to go. Yeah. He pulls her out, pulls her up onto the. To the sidewalk. It's freezing cold. This old man has a stroke and he goes unconscious. Alex is laying there, barely conscious. And a couple of passersby. Are they just friends? Upon walking by, say they're just friends. They're just on a warning line.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. But one of them might.
David Dastmalchian
And one of them says, should I call 911?
Scott Aukerman
Really? You put it in there? I didn't even notice it. And here I am, an ER fanatic, and I did not even notice it when I read the graphic novel. That's how deep I was into this.
David Dastmalchian
Coming into today's experience, and based on the research that you did into the correct pronunciation of my last name, I would have said Scott Aukerman is someone who definitely cares about the details. And now my theory has been challenged. So Alex wakes up in the hospital, in the er, if you will, in
Scott Aukerman
a Chicago, you know I will.
David Dastmalchian
And she is. She's greeted by a police officer, a detective, who says, glad you're okay.
Scott Aukerman
The one who's married to. What's it, Susan?
David Dastmalchian
Yeah, you. You know, it's all connected. And he says, your leg is broke. Are you okay? And how do you know? Joseph said. Who's Joseph? The man who rescued you. How do you. You know is. What's his relationship as a grandparent something. She says, I've never seen that man before in my life. And he says, what? She says, why his pockets? This man who had pulled her out of the water, this strange, this seemingly unhoused stranger who collapsed and is now in the ICU in a coma, had pockets filled with little maps and little details and little notes just totally covering every detail of Alex's daily life. Where she lived, where she went, what she did all day. Her past. And Alex is like, totally freaked out. Why is this old man stalking me? Why did he save me? How does he know so much about me? And since no one seems willing to help her, and since the lesson of her life is do shit for yourself, she decides to go figure out where this man lived, considering he's now in the hospital, and he doesn't have any family that's come to claim him. And she breaks into his little studio apartment.
Scott Aukerman
I wanna stop you right here because I feel like this is the hook.
David Dastmalchian
You ready?
Scott Aukerman
Here it is.
David Dastmalchian
Here it is. I'm giving this. She breaks into this little apartment in Lincoln park near the Lincoln Park Zoo. Near Lincoln park, where the ER was filmed.
Scott Aukerman
Spend your free time at the free
David Dastmalchian
zoo in the car. And she breaks into this apartment in the middle of the night and discovers what looks like a hoarder's apartment. And there's a little work desk and a lifetime of work that's never been seen by any other human eye besides hers. And that work has been completely dedicated to Alex's life. And through that work, she enters a portal to another realm completely designed for her. Why? What's this about? What is the mystery? What is his connection to him?
Scott Aukerman
That's for you to read.
David Dastmalchian
That's for you to read. Me to know and you to find out. And Scott to.
Scott Aukerman
To remember. Thank you for the rest of my days.
David Dastmalchian
Yeah. I hope my book makes it. By the way, for those who can't see. And that's all of you.
Scott Aukerman
I think some people.
David Dastmalchian
Beautiful library.
Scott Aukerman
My actual place.
David Dastmalchian
Okay. Graphic novel collection.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, it is.
David Dastmalchian
If I can make it on the shelf, I'd be very happy.
Scott Aukerman
All you have to do is send it to me and along with a small stipend for placement.
David Dastmalchian
You got it.
Scott Aukerman
I'll give you good placement. This is a. A fantastic graphic novel. This is a. A magnum opus. Some might say it's over 130 pages. Others might say and is. It's available not only in comic retailers, but also, I would imagine, bookstores, book retailers nationwide.
David Dastmalchian
Because it's published as a graphic novel that you. You know, when most of what I've put out has come as single issues, which then eventually get released in, if you're lucky, trade form. This is. This is now available in, you know, your. Your local Borders or Barnes and Nobles. What is still, like, who knows, where people read books? Rainy Day books.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
David Dastmalchian
Anybody remember Rainy Day Books? No. That's all right.
Scott Aukerman
But it's. It's out there right now. How much. How much are we retailing for?
David Dastmalchian
You can buy the standard edition at $29.
Scott Aukerman
MSRP.
David Dastmalchian
MSRP.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Very good.
David Dastmalchian
You can also get the deluxe edition, which comes with a really special, beautiful slip case cover. And it has additional art pieces at 69. And there is a artists exclusive, which has. We designed these, like, morning prompt cards. And I'M really proud of them. Actually, part of this book, the Magic of the Universe, or whatever you want to call it, is like, I came up with the idea for this book before I was shooting that ER episode, like, in 2006. I was really fast. I had gotten clean. I was in Chicago. I didn't think I would ever act again because I didn't imagine that I'd be able to do this line of work without relapsing, to be honest, because it just can be so stressful. And so I had been contentedly learning a new trade, which was I was writing copy for telemarketing and working in telemarketing. And I was reading comic books constantly. And I was doing writing. I decided, like, writing is a safer place for me to. Even if I never put it out in the world, it helps me feel like I can be productive and creative and use my love of story. And I would go to the MCA in Chicago constantly because they had these free days that you could go. All the museums in Chicago have a free day that you could go each week. And. And there was this fascinating artist named Henry Darger. They'd found all of this work in his apartment in Lincoln Park. And he had been a janitor who never spoke to anyone. And when he passed away and the landlord came into his apartment to clear everything out, they found a lifetime of incredible work that they were like, how did this guy never share this with anybody? I mean, this is like. It's insane. It's thousands and thousands of pages of a story on par with Alice in Wonderland or the wizard of Oz with all this insane artwork and collage work. And I was like, who. Who does that? Who works in that. In that kind of secrecy? And what kind of magic does that concoct? Like, what could you do with that kind of focus? And that's where this story started to originate. And the years and the years and the years and the years and the years and the years go by. And I put together this whole idea and I pitched it to a couple of different publishing companies. And the one that seemed the most excited about it and wanted to go forward with it was Z2 Publishing. And they had such an ex. Just, they seemed to, like, really get it. They knew what I was trying to accomplish. And it timed up with. Because when you write, when you come up with a neat idea for a story, like, oh, here's a person that falls into this alternate reality, and here's this other realm, and all that stuff is cool, and it's interesting, but I Don't think it's enough to keep people turning the pages.
Scott Aukerman
Now, the world building is fun.
David Dastmalchian
The world building is fun.
Scott Aukerman
But what's the engine? Yes.
David Dastmalchian
What is the heart? What is the pulsing blood underneath the thing that makes it breathe, that makes it alive? And for me, it was. So maybe I'm not Alex. Maybe I'm not the exact same person. I'm not what you would describe as a Type A. But I do have this sense, and I fought it for years. And I think it's why I turned to drugs and alcohol. And then after that, like, relationship dependency and people dependency and all this control. Controlling the world around me has always felt like a safe way to keep myself from having to experience the potential of the things that scare me the most. So if I could control all of the pieces, which is a fool's errand in this life, because you just can't. But it gives you this false illusion of security. I. I was having a life collision moment. Right the same time that Z2 goes, hey, we want you to write your book. We're ready. Give us a script because we want you to meet this artist. I was like, I'm going through something right now. My brain is melting, and I'm just. My life feels like it's falling apart. I don't know how to, like, make it through another day. And it was beautiful. It gave me. And I don't believe in artist therapy. It's not what I'm saying. But I did happen to write this book while I was learning a whole shit ton about myself and my relinquishment of control. And also I thought that I understood what it meant to ask other people for help, because I have actually asked others for help in my life, but never to a degree that I actually really meant it. I think I went through the motions of asking people for help, but I always still maintained and retained a great deal of, like, the leash that I could hold on to. When you actually let go and you go, okay, I really can't do this. I need help. And that's what if Alex can't learn to do in this book, she will die.
Scott Aukerman
It's a fascinating book and it's an emotional story and one that it sounds like. David, you came out the other side in a better place. After writing Listeners are going, I thought
David Dastmalchian
I tuned into Comedy Bang Bang. This is downer.
Scott Aukerman
Let me assure the listeners you have turned into Comedy Bang Bang.
David Dastmalchian
Thank you, guys. Thanks for indulging.
Scott Aukerman
This, of course, is the show where we talk to interesting people and you are an interesting. It's also humanity's podcast. It's also the animal kingdom's podcast, certainly, but. And I count you amongst humanity, of course, and one of the animals. All conversations are welcome here at Comedy Bang Bang. I will say we're coming up on a break. Can you stick around though, David, because we.
David Dastmalchian
Contrary to popular opinion, I don't have a very busy schedule. I just. I'll be here today all day. I actually moved in. Scott's allowed me to go through his library.
Scott Aukerman
Are those my glasses? Yeah, put them down. David's put on my glasses for some reason. We're gonna be right back. We have a healthcare professional. We also have someone in the automotive industry. This is a fascinating episode of Comedy Bang Bang. We're gonna be right back with more. David Dasmalchin will be right back after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence. Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer, and get paid all in one place. I hate going to a separate place to get paid. Now you can get paid right there at Squarespace. Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services and get paid with built in scheduling, invoicing and email tools. You can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates. No experience needed. Plus, built in SEO helps fans and clients find you while custom domains keep your brand polished and secure. Showcase videos, promote events or even monetize content. Everything is designed to help you grow your audience and your business. Check out squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Aura Frame is the perfect Mother's Day gift to capture the chaos that you put her through and the memories that came with it. Make a meaningful impression with a gift that feels personal from the very first moment. Photos can be preloaded before the frame ship so it arrives already filled with favorite memories. And a custom message can be added to create an extra special unboxing experience. Thoughtful, ready to enjoy, uniquely tailored. It is a gift that instantly feels one of a kind. Now I have said this before, I'm glad Aura's back. I think it is the greatest invention since gps. It's a frame that basically you just upload pictures to and they constantly cycle through every minute. Every couple of minutes you look over at the frame. There's another couple of pictures there that you, you took. And you're always, it's, it's a conversation piece. You're always like, oh, look, to remember that. I cannot tell you how many times a day we're gathering people over and going saying, hey, look at this. Do you remember when you were young like that? This is for a baby, not for your mother. Although I guess you could say it to your mother. It is a great, great gift. The best gift that I have given. It's named number one by Wirecutter. So you can save on the gifts moms love by visiting auraframes.com for a limited time. Listeners can get $25 off their best selling carver mat frame with code Bang Bang. So what that is is auraframes.com auraframes.com promo code Bang Bang. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. If you're trying to be more intentional about what you wear day to day, Quint can help with that. They've got pieces that feel easy, comfortable and still put together. The fabrics feel elevated and the fits are clean. Think 100% European linen shorts and shirts from $34. Lightweight, breathable and comfortable. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you would find at similar brands. And Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. We hate middlemen, don't we? So you're getting premium materials without the markup. I just got a couple of pairs of trousers from Quint. I got the Comfort Stretch Traveler 5 pocket pants in two different colors, dark, charcoal and ocean. Because when I like a pair of pants, I like to get them in different colors because I know they fit. And these are great. Quint. We even buy stuff for our daughter with Quint. We got a lot of stuff from Quint. We really love it. Refresh your everyday with luxury that you will actually use. Head to Quince.com Bang Bang for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now, by the way, available in kit Canada too. That is Q U I N C.com Bang Bang for free shipping. 365 day returns quint.com Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. David Dun is here. Of course. Of fame and fortune. Stage, screen and now the page. And do you have. We. We talked a lot about your graphic novel. Do you have any films we or TV shows coming up that are you going to be on the pit? I know it would be weird for that character to have moved to Pittsburgh, but I mean I can see it.
David Dastmalchian
It's not weird at all.
Scott Aukerman
He gets rejected by the girl that he's. He thinks he's more than friends with as he's walking his. Do they own a dog together or.
David Dastmalchian
The choice that we had to make was, I guess it's her dog and I'm just the friend that is a
Scott Aukerman
friend who's like, oh, yeah, I'll go for a walk. Yeah, sure. This guy's pathetic.
David Dastmalchian
I know. And so I'll buy the coffee.
Scott Aukerman
He gets rejected by her, and then he goes like, what else do I have? Let me just move to the pit.
David Dastmalchian
I'm going to the pit.
Scott Aukerman
Going to the pit. And then someone outside the pit, you know, pitfest happens or something like that. There's an active shoot or whatever. And he's. This guy is like, oh, I have experience doing this.
David Dastmalchian
Should I call? I should call instead of making it a question. He's evolved now. No more. Although. Yeah, I think my. The most interesting people are those who ask a question and don't deliver a statement. And I wish that he hadn't, but he needs his crescendo moment. And I think that it's not like you're angling me on the show for
Scott Aukerman
a major, like, you know, like. Like, you know, starring role on an episode or anything like this, you know, Although you certainly deserve one. But I think it would be. I think it would be fascinating just to have you, your character, just run by and call 91 1, and everyone kind of go, was that David?
David Dastmalchian
I want to be on Grey's Anatomy, the pit, all of them. I want to be the call.
Scott Aukerman
You're the 911 guy.
David Dastmalchian
Can I still be. Can I still be labeled as young man, though? That's the big question. We have a medical professional, though, correct?
Scott Aukerman
We do. We need to get to our next guest and let's welcome them. She's a healthcare professional, actually. Please. Welcome to the show, Dee Dee.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Hi. Hi. Hello. Hi.
Scott Aukerman
So great to meet you.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So good to meet you.
Scott Aukerman
This is David.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Hi, David. Hi, David. I'm Dee Dee.
Scott Aukerman
Hi, Dee Dee. Wonderful to have you.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. I am, of course, a healthcare professional. I am.
Scott Aukerman
In what area?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So I am a Disney doula.
Scott Aukerman
Disney doula.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I am a Disney doula.
Scott Aukerman
I don't think I've ever heard those two words.
David Dastmalchian
Together.
Scott Aukerman
Together. Yeah. I mean, obviously I've heard of Disney. They bought Star Wars.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes, of course.
Scott Aukerman
And doulas, they help deliver babies.
David Dastmalchian
They deliver babies.
Scott Aukerman
What exactly is a Disney doula.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So a Disney doula is for women, and there are many who want to give birth at Disneyland. So I help women who it is in their birth plan to give birth on either the Haunted Mansion or Indiana Jones or any of these places that, you know, a little girl dreams about when she dreams about giving birth.
Scott Aukerman
How interesting. So, so these. These women have dreams of giving birth. Does that give them, like, Disneyland citizenship or.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes. So that is something that we are beta testing right now, because this is all, you know, it's been in beta, but we are launching.
Scott Aukerman
When you say it's been in beta, what do you mean? You. You haven't. You haven't done this yet.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So there are. There are a bunch, I would say, dozens of brave, brave women who have been under my care. I've been doing this for a few months, and then we're ready to go public.
Scott Aukerman
When you say under your care, are you taking them to Disneyland or are you.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I am taking them to Disneyland, yes. They are under my care, meaning they are under my Park Hopper reservation. Right.
David Dastmalchian
Oh, okay.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
They are coming with me. They are coming on the ride that they want to give birth on, and I help them through the process, and I do a lot of things for them leading up to the birth as well. I do Lamaze classes at the Tower of Terror, hence, now known as the Guardians of the Galaxy.
Scott Aukerman
Guardians of the Galaxy. Yes.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It goes up and down, though, and that part stays the same.
Scott Aukerman
I would worry that if I were pregnant on the Guardians of the Galaxy ride, that it would go down really quickly and the baby would get forced back up into my stomach.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
That is something, Scott.
David Dastmalchian
Babies don't come from the stomach.
Scott Aukerman
They don't come from the. Where do they come from?
David Dastmalchian
I don't want to talk about it right now.
Scott Aukerman
Draw me a picture.
David Dastmalchian
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
I know you're not.
David Dastmalchian
I'll make a graphic novel for you.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes. Make a graphic novel. We could use some literature, actually. So maybe I will hit you up.
David Dastmalchian
That puts a whole new spin on Splash Mountain. If your water broke while you're on the ride. I really am excited about this beautiful work you're doing.
Scott Aukerman
I would think you'd want the water to break in line, right? So that by the time you get on the ride, you're having a cut in line.
David Dastmalchian
You could be like, water break. We need to. You don't want to have a lightning pass. Doesn't matter.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes. We try and get the women who are almost where it seems like water's about to break. We try and get them in the FastPass line. So then that on the ride, they can have that big magical moment. And ideally, the photo takes the second.
Scott Aukerman
That would be the dream. Right.
David Dastmalchian
Moment that the photo is taken. The only place I think I would be comfortable doing it would be. And I've not, you know, I don't have to give birth. I have the easy part of that equation. But if I did, I would. The fun part. I would do it on It's a Small World.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, It's a Small World. We had a woman give birth on It's a Small World.
Scott Aukerman
Do they have citizenship of whatever country they're in on It's a Small World?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I hope so.
Scott Aukerman
So, like, if you're in Switzerland anymore. Yeah, boy.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Gosh. I mean, we need to get in touch with the local governments. That's something that we're still working out before the.
Scott Aukerman
I consider It's a Small World to be an embassy of each of the countries that whenever you go into a different room, you're on, you know, British soil.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Right, right, right. In a way, you know, and the women who have picked It's a Small World have wanted to, you know, experience different things for their baby as soon as it comes out. You know, they want the baby to.
Scott Aukerman
To be cultured.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
To be cultured. To be well, well learned.
David Dastmalchian
If they want them to be cultured, they should definitely be doing it then on Pirates of the Caribbean, because I feel like that is.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
That is a wonderful place to give birth.
David Dastmalchian
Place.
Scott Aukerman
How many. I have to ask, Deedee, how many babies have you actually delivered? Because I hear you're in beta testing. You've not been incredibly specific yet.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes. So, okay, so in the beta round, we have had 12 incredible women, a Disney dozen, and they have each delivered babies on the Big 12 rides in Disneyland.
Scott Aukerman
The Big 12? What are we talking? We're talking 12.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Of course. Wars are.
Scott Aukerman
Let's hear it.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes.
David Dastmalchian
Come on.
Scott Aukerman
Not sure why you picked such a large number, but let's hear it.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I love that number. I love the number 12.
David Dastmalchian
And it's 12 because it's true.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Pirates of the Caribbean Haunted Mansion. There is, of course, Tower of Terror.
David Dastmalchian
Oh, yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Then of course, we do the Haunted Note.
Scott Aukerman
For somebody who goes to Disneyland a lot, you don't seem to three for 12 of the rides that there are more.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I just. I'm. I'm a scattered. You talk about. Your character is type A. I am type freaking C. Okay. I'm all over the place.
David Dastmalchian
Okay.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
But nonetheless, Mr. Toad's wild ride.
Scott Aukerman
He's one of the big 12.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Now, I wouldn't want to give.
David Dastmalchian
I would not want to see a baby on Mr. Toad.
Scott Aukerman
They end up in hell.
David Dastmalchian
That's not a. That ride is wild.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, it's.
David Dastmalchian
Well aptly titled.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah, well, the woman who gave birth on that ride, she was number six and she. She was a goth, so she said she wanted something sick and twisted for her birth. She wanted to be, you know, around Mickey. But something that was sort of like.
Scott Aukerman
But she didn't want to do it on the Haunted Mansion. She wanted to go into Mr. Town's wild ride.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
She was scared of the Haunted Mansion.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. She's a Goth Brady cat.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
She's a Goth Brady Cat. So she wanted to grapple with, you know, mortality and.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Where. Where do we go after?
David Dastmalchian
Can you imagine getting on the Nemo ride? They. They lock you into that submarine.
Scott Aukerman
Finding Dory.
David Dastmalchian
Finding Dory. Okay, sure.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yep. We're hoping that's.
David Dastmalchian
That's down there. You're going underwater because it used to be the 10,000 leagues under the Sea. Now, I thought you meant Captain Nemo,
Scott Aukerman
but it is Finding Nemo.
Lyle Vanity
Yes.
David Dastmalchian
You're an Nemo ride. Now it's confusing. They lock you into the submarine. You're submerged underwater. All of they lock you. They. It's air sealed. It has to be. You're underwater.
Scott Aukerman
Someone could get out.
David Dastmalchian
And then all of a sudden, and someone goes into live childbirth. Oh. Which you're. It's a. It's a tight space and there's no ventilation. The smell is.
Scott Aukerman
It's a little musty down there.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah, no, you gotta triple, triple pinky swear that you are not a claustrophobe before you get in there.
Scott Aukerman
Does that work? The triple pinky swear?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah. Most women do abide by the triple pinky swear.
Scott Aukerman
I found that to be true.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I have found that to be. You know, it's sort of a thing of, like. It is an honor system, but. But if you make someone go through the step of, like, questioning their own character, they're like, yeah, I think. I'm not gonna lie.
Scott Aukerman
What's the most popular ride? If you can name another ride, what's the most popular one?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, and I can. I think I can name at least eight.
David Dastmalchian
You know what? Cars would be exciting.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, cars would be very.
David Dastmalchian
You better not let go of that baby. Are you catching the baby down there as the doula. I forget. Or do you actually bring someone in to deliver?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So, yeah. So Doula does all. All of that. Yes. So the most popular ride is. You hit the nail on the head. Actually, it is the car ride. People love those dang cars.
Scott Aukerman
They love it.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
They love lightning.
David Dastmalchian
Great ride. Can I. I mean, it's a great ride.
Scott Aukerman
It's a great ride. You know, if you go in one direction, you. You end up getting a paint job. And if you go in the other direction, you end up doing something else. Isn't that fascinating?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It is fascinating.
Scott Aukerman
I would worry about the Indiana Jones ride because that big boulder would like, crush the baby, I would think.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah. And the girl who took that number eight, she was a freak.
Scott Aukerman
She was a freak. Really?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
She was an absolute freak.
Scott Aukerman
In what manner?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
In. Oh my gosh. Hair stuck up straight. Like Einstein.
Scott Aukerman
Like young Einstein.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Like young Einstein Just discovered an experiment. Yahoo.
Scott Aukerman
Serious. These are references to something I'm sure you don't. You're a young woman, you.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I am a young woman. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Do you know what who Yahoo. Sirius happens to be? Australian comedian.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Gosh, I wish I did. I wish I did too. I really wish I did. I want to connect with you on this.
David Dastmalchian
The more kid friendly. Know Paul Hogan there was weird. Who was Paul Hogan? Paul Hogan was pretty kid friendly too, but like the more sciency.
Scott Aukerman
Paul Hogan. If you watch that Crocodile Dundee, boy,
David Dastmalchian
did that not age well. I recently revisited that one.
Scott Aukerman
Some got some interesting stuff in there. Although they're putting out a. A cut that edits all of that out. That's great.
David Dastmalchian
Good for them.
Scott Aukerman
Good for them. Good for the Crocodile Dundee family.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Good for them.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
But I, you know, and, and, and I have this whole.
Scott Aukerman
I'm sorry, do you not want to talk about Crocodile Dundee or Yahoo.
David Dastmalchian
Yahoo. You just keep.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, I love it. I love it. And I'm a listener. I'm an empath. And I want to hear about it.
Scott Aukerman
I want to connect. No, you talk about what you want
David Dastmalchian
on the Dumbo ride.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So the rocket one is another one. Another.
David Dastmalchian
The rocket one.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Rocket rides the rocket one. The.
David Dastmalchian
You talk about space.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So it's in.
Scott Aukerman
No, you're talking. In Tomorrowland. You talk about the big.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I'm talking about Tomorrowland. And another one is the Goofy. Goofy's big tune in Toontown. The coaster in Toontown. There's been lots of women who seems
Scott Aukerman
like you would have, like, actually read some of these signs. If you've been in Disneyland so many
David Dastmalchian
times as often as you are.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I'm not. I'm not reading the signs. What is the most Busy living in the moment.
David Dastmalchian
What is the. What is. What is the. The food item most craved by pregnant women at Disney is It.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Churros. Lots of women, they scream for churros.
David Dastmalchian
Churros.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Churros.
David Dastmalchian
Yeah, Churros. Making more profit for the company Disney right now than all of their streaming combined.
Scott Aukerman
I love this. Yes.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Wow. Wow. Yes. We know that we have a monster product.
David Dastmalchian
We know who's carrying the economy of this country.
Scott Aukerman
Exactly.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Exactly.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So I just want to let you know the launch is approaching.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, I'm sorry, you're. The launch is approaching meaning. So you've been in beta and you have. These women have given birth successfully.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes. These 12 women, they have done it. The Disney dozen, the Big 12, have given birth on each of the Big 12 rides.
Scott Aukerman
And why is that beta testing? And why do you not consider it to be actual? I hate to get bogged down the details.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
That's a valid question. So it's beta testing because we haven't told anybody about it. It. We haven't told the Disney Corporation. Yes.
David Dastmalchian
Corporate.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
We haven't told. We haven't told Bob Iger. Yes, we have. As Disney have not told anybody that we're doing this.
David Dastmalchian
Oh, wait, you.
Scott Aukerman
You actually work for Disney?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, yes.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. I thought you were. I thought you were just a person who was.
David Dastmalchian
She's the only thought.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I was a kooky character. Kooky neighbor.
David Dastmalchian
No, no.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, every. Look, I got to be honest. This is a crazy show. Every once in a while, we get, like, real weirdos on this show.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
So I just. I thought you were some, like, you know, person who had nothing to do with Disney, who. Who just shows up at the park. You're from Disney.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
No, no, no, no, no. I am from Disney. Disney knows about this. The mouse is aware.
Scott Aukerman
And so when we said Disney didn't know anything about this, that was wrong. Disney actually is aware.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So. And I don't know if I would have said that. I don't know if we need to.
Scott Aukerman
Who knows? Who knows why anyone says anything?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Maybe we'll check back the tape.
Scott Aukerman
Sure. But. So Disney is aware of this. We're ready to do the rollout. What do you have planned for the big rollout?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
So the big rollout. We're doing big super bowl ads.
Scott Aukerman
Whoa. For next year.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
For next year. We want to get a lot of babies born in Disney because we think it'd be really fun to do.
Scott Aukerman
So you want people to have sex during the super bowl to get pregnant?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes, I do.
Scott Aukerman
So that they can have their babies by late 2027?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes. We'd like for it to be. Ideally, we'd like for those Babies to be arriving, sort of when we put
David Dastmalchian
the Christmas tree just in time for the Oogie Boogie Bash.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, that's right.
David Dastmalchian
That's exciting.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes.
David Dastmalchian
I love that.
Scott Aukerman
You know the Yogi Boogie Bash.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes, of course. Of course.
Scott Aukerman
I know all this from the movie.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, don't make me say it.
Scott Aukerman
Remember,
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I thought it was a night to remember.
Scott Aukerman
It is.
David Dastmalchian
It will always be. Remember the first time I saw that film. Will always be a night to remember.
Scott Aukerman
Saturday morning.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Gosh, it's a good movie.
Scott Aukerman
It really is classic.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah. So we're hoping those babies arrive when we put the Christmas lights up, Christmas parade and all that, so that we can have a lot of Christmas babies being born at Disney. We just think it's really fun. We at Disney have done a lot.
Scott Aukerman
Now, are you worried about any of the babies? You know, it may not be the optimal place or the most hygienic place, you know, like that Splash Mountain. Honestly, that water is recirculated how many times throughout the day?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, 100 times.
Scott Aukerman
100 times? Really?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
100 times. And you know, it is. Of course there's people. There's going to be doubters. There's going to be doubters out there.
Scott Aukerman
People, of course.
David Dastmalchian
Well, there's people, of course.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
And they're going to be seeding seeds of doubt. They're going to be saying, you know, mickey Mouse is not an obgyn. Don't make him do this. They're going to be saying things like that.
Scott Aukerman
De. We're talking about the haters right now.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
We're talking about the haters. Haters. Haters and losers, if I may swear. Haters and losers who want people not to become the coolest, most awesome version of themselves.
Lyle Vanity
How awesome?
David Dastmalchian
Weird. Because, you know, Six Flags is pitching the whole death doula thing right now.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, no, I didn't.
David Dastmalchian
Your loved one is about to pass. You go to Six Flags, you can get on the major rides and they will help with the pass. But I don't want to steal your thunder. Sorry, go back. Wow.
Scott Aukerman
So they're doing. I was wondering if maybe the opposite
David Dastmalchian
of the competition is out there and they.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
And do you know. And Can I. Can I talk to you for a second? Second? Have they already.
Scott Aukerman
Do you want me to leave?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
No, no, no, it's okay. I'll just. I'll just talk directly to you for a second, please. Have you. Is there. Have they already rolled this out? Have they already launched this?
David Dastmalchian
As far as I know, I think they've had the. The.
Scott Aukerman
The Six Flags. How many people.
David Dastmalchian
16 is what I heard the six flags. 16. Oh, no, that's more than the 16 big rides at Six Flags. Yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, shoot.
David Dastmalchian
Yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Okay.
David Dastmalchian
Well, apparently, down, down, down. At Knott's Berry Farms, if your animal, your pet, your love.
Scott Aukerman
Oh. If you want to euthanize your.
David Dastmalchian
Ready to go.
Scott Aukerman
Really? They'll do that and serve it as fried chicken. That's just the way it goes.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
All right, well, I'd like to see Knott's Berry Farm give birth with all that jam laying around. It'd be a huge imposition.
David Dastmalchian
We wouldn't want to get things mixed up in that department.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah, no, this is.
Scott Aukerman
This is way better because this makes sense. How cool would it be to be like, you know, where I was born, People. People always go, ooh, what hospital? Hospital. Is it Cedars?
David Dastmalchian
It's happened. It's hap. No, it has happened.
Scott Aukerman
It has happened. Like, how many babies have been born prior to your initiative? How many babies have been.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
The unregulated babies.
David Dastmalchian
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
The unregulated. How many babies have been born?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
We've had. Over the course of Disneyland's history since 1955. Since 1955. I think we. Well, we've had somewhere around 30 babies being born.
Scott Aukerman
30 babies now, it's been 70 years, so that's about one every two years or so. Two and a half years. Yeah. Yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
But they. You know, and they have not wanted to make this super public. They've not wanted to, like. These are not. These are sort of. Can I say this? Accidents.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It's sort of a.
Scott Aukerman
This is people who did not want to give birth at Disneyland. They were just trying to fit one last baby.
David Dastmalchian
July 4, 1999, the first baby was born at Disneyland.
Scott Aukerman
Really?
David Dastmalchian
And if it was born in the hall of Presidents, I would be like, that's wild.
Scott Aukerman
That would be crazy. If they then grew up to be present. Wow. Whoa.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Wow. I mean. I mean, the history is just breathtaking when you really take a look.
Scott Aukerman
History really is. But so. So now you want people. Because attendance must be down. The economy being what it is, you actually want people to plan their births here at Disneyland.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It's. It's just another thing to be doing. You know? It's another thing.
Scott Aukerman
It's another thing to be doing. You're right. When you think about life that way of, like, I need more things to be doing.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Doing there is just something. Yeah. Aren't you bored? Can I say something? And forgive me if this makes me.
Scott Aukerman
Please, please, please.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
A hospital is a boring place to give birth.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, it's a boring place.
David Dastmalchian
More like germ and bacteria infested than Disneyland itself.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Exactly. You want to give birth around all.
David Dastmalchian
There's more medical risk, probably in a hospital than in Disney.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, not.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
You don't want to be doing that.
Scott Aukerman
It's not boring if, you know, it's the show ER and there's complications with the pregnancy.
David Dastmalchian
I'm bringing it back to er. Of course.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Of course. Of course.
Scott Aukerman
That's usually a pretty exciting episode, but
David Dastmalchian
it's a very exciting episode.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
No, but there's a lot of. And, you know, you think that people don't think to do this, but there are so many women, so many millennial women out there who are. Who grew up with Disney, who love Disney, who want these characters to be present during this moment.
Scott Aukerman
Of course they want a Jasmine, you know?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes, Ariel. One woman. She was a. Bless her heart. She's a wonderful, wonderful woman. She is a CEO of a company that sells lotion. I'm telling you, I've said too much. But she is this Gwyneth Paltrow. This is Gwyneth Paltrow.
David Dastmalchian
They sell rotisserie chickens and lotion.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I've said too much.
Scott Aukerman
You've said too much. But it is Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't. And that's probably the part that you said that is too much.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Cannot.
David Dastmalchian
Too much. You said it out loud.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
But I've said too much. Okay. But she. Oh, my gosh. Okay. So she. She gave me birth, and the first person to ever hold her baby girl was Goofy.
David Dastmalchian
Oh, that's beautiful.
Lyle Vanity
Wow.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
And she cried. She cried so much.
Lyle Vanity
Who wouldn't?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
She sobbed.
Scott Aukerman
Well, he's got those big, big gloves, too. Like, I would imagine he'd be really good at delivery, too.
Lyle Vanity
Catch the baby.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Exactly what he sounded like.
Scott Aukerman
I'll tell you what. Golly.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, my gosh. Were you TV show.
Scott Aukerman
The Goofy Movie sequel.
David Dastmalchian
I should. I got screwed out of that casting. I. Every TV show has they're going into labor episode, the Halloween episode and the.
Lyle Vanity
The.
David Dastmalchian
The going into labor. Those are my favorite. And I'll never forget the Mickey Mouse Club going into labor episode that was.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. When Annette Funicello just, like, had triplets right there.
David Dastmalchian
Dropped on the floor. It was incredible.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Magical.
Scott Aukerman
Do you know who Annette Funicello is?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Of course I do. Of course I do.
Scott Aukerman
Do you think I'm the last living person to know who she is?
David Dastmalchian
Beach blanket bingo. Do you, Frankie, have them on? Let me tell you, I'm.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Say I. You make it, too.
Scott Aukerman
What about Cubby from the Mickey Mouse Club? Do you want to talk about Cubby at all?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness. If you get me talking about Cubby from the Mickey Mouse Club, we would be here all day posting on my
David Dastmalchian
TikTok about Frankie Avalon. I'm 50.
Scott Aukerman
Have you watched the Dread Zeppelin documentary yet?
David Dastmalchian
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, good. Okay. Yeah, that's. Everyone watches it on their 50th birthday, so I wanted to make sure it's classic.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I can't wait. I can't wait for that to happen.
Scott Aukerman
You'll get.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I just want to give a message to all the women out there, please.
Scott Aukerman
This is your time.
David Dastmalchian
All the women. It is International Women's Month.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes, it is.
David Dastmalchian
And in honor of International Women's Month. And a message from Deedee.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Exactly. In honor of International Women's Month, a message from me. Get out of the hospital, girlfriend.
Scott Aukerman
Get out of the hospital and into that flume ride or roller coaster or.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Or get in the. Keep your hands hard, arms, feet and legs and baby for a little bit. That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Hold on to your hats, glasses, and infants.
David Dastmalchian
You don't need a wheelchair.
Lyle Vanity
You need a safety bar.
Scott Aukerman
That's right, exactly.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Get in there. Spice up your life.
Scott Aukerman
Dee Dee, Is your name short for Disney? Disney
David Dastmalchian
Dee Dee. I'm a DD, too. Did you know that? I'm David Desmalchen. You're dd I knew it.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
And I'm dd Well, yes. You. You. You knew I was trying to cover up Disney Dozen.
Scott Aukerman
So you're. You're. You're heir to the. The Disney fortune.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes. My name is Disney. I don't speak with my sister Abigail anymore, understandably. Understandably, of course. The whole thing going on.
Scott Aukerman
Well, Dee, we. We need to take a break, if that's okay. Can you stick around?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
All right, fantastic. Because we have someone from the automotive industry coming up. So this is. We want to talk to everyone on this show.
David Dastmalchian
Cars.
Scott Aukerman
Cars. Oh, my gosh. This is coming full circle. Maybe he's called 911 as well.
David Dastmalchian
Mr. McQueen, here we go.
Scott Aukerman
Here we go. We're gonna come right back with more Dee Dee. More David dimalchin. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
After this.
Scott Aukerman
Your outdoor space should feel like you. Right. But it can take a long time to get there. Now we have an outdoor space here at our house down out in the backyard. And before Wayfair, we didn't have any chairs there. People, they came. They either stood or they. They had to stand on their. Their head or their hand doing handstands the entire time. And that can get exhausting when you're just trying to have a few canapes. You know, just trying to pass the cav around caviar and you know we had to get some. Well, enter Wayfair now. Whether your vibe is modern, coastal, farmhouse or eclectic, Wayfair has the pieces to create an outdoor space that is uniquely yours. We got some chairs out for the backyard and people are finally thanking us. Oh, I'm not exhausted anymore when we come over to your place. Oh wow. My tushy actually feels comforted and cradled by these chairs. I mean they're just saying they're sitting on the chairs, but look, these are comfortable chairs. I love them. Now with filters, customer reviews and visual tools that help you actually imagine how the item will look in your space, Wayfair makes it simple to narrow down to what works for your style and your budget from everything they have. Everything from outdoor seating and grills to lighting and decor. Look, Wayfair is your one stop shop for home. I hate stopping at more than one stop when I'm shop. Installation and assembly services are available to create a truly seamless experience and look. If you want an even faster shortcut to the good stuff, shop Wayfair verified products that their team of specialists have vetted by with their own hands using a 10 point quality inspection. Get prepped for patio season. For way less head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that is W A Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair every style, Every Home On Etsy you can find
David Dastmalchian
your favorite person a gift as special
Scott Aukerman
as they are, like a custom leather camera strip to celebrate your photography obsessed friend. For special birthday gifts that say I get you shop the Etsy app. America's best network just got bigger. Switch to T Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our 5 year price guarantee and now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.
David Dastmalchian
Best Mobile Network Based based on analysis by oogle of speed test intelligence data 2H 2025 bigger network the combination of T mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage, price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.
Scott Aukerman
See t mobile.com for details. Comedy Bang Bang David Dimalchin is here of course. His new graphic novel through is out in stores right now. Available from E Tailors and retailers everywhere. And it's around 130 pages.
David Dastmalchian
I'm talking just a Little over.
Scott Aukerman
A little bit over that.
David Dastmalchian
But don't let that scare you, kids. Step right up. You'll fly right through it. Or if you're like my family, they'll say, that look neat.
Scott Aukerman
It did look neat. And it read neat as well. We also have DeeDee here, aka Disney Disney, from the Disney Corporation. Any. Any updates?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes, I just got an exciting update over the break.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
A 13th woman has just given birth to twins on Thunder Mountain Railway.
David Dastmalchian
Big Thunder Moun.
Scott Aukerman
Incredible.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It is great news. And a Minnie Mouse was there for
David Dastmalchian
all of it, for the kitchen.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Really?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
All right.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes. So we're very happy over at Disney.
Scott Aukerman
All right. Is there any ride you would. You would say, like, maybe we don't want him.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Maybe we avoid. Maybe we avoid. I remember there was a Snow White one that was underwhelming.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. So just for the aesthetic experience of it.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I don't like the vibe of it.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
And I don't think a baby would like the vibe of it.
Scott Aukerman
Well, that also was the one that back when I was a kid, they said that was the scary ride that you had.
David Dastmalchian
It was in it still kind of silly. The Peter Pan ride. Oh, I love those. Those are my favorite, those ones. The Pinocchio is terrifying.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
That's the thing about most. Most of these rides at Disney are terrifying, aren't they?
David Dastmalchian
Depending on the weather. You don't want to be having a baby on Jungle Cruise. It's been hot.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It can be tough. But there's some funny jokes on that Jungle Cruise.
Scott Aukerman
That's true. Yeah. There's a toucan. What do you call three toucans? A six pack.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It's just so good.
Scott Aukerman
Well, we do need to get to our next guest. He works in the automotive industry. I don't know in what respect, but I'm sure by talking to him, we'll figure that out. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Lyle Vanity.
Lyle Vanity
Hi, Scott. David. Dee. How are you today?
Scott Aukerman
Doing really good.
David Dastmalchian
Hey, Lyle.
Lyle Vanity
Pleasure to be here. Amazing. Good to hear it.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. It's so good to meet you. Now, I don't know that much about you. I. Forgive me. I read David's whole graphic novel, and yet I don't know a lick about you.
Lyle Vanity
No, that's totally fine. You might not know much about me. Part of the reason why I'm here is to let people know what I'm up to.
Scott Aukerman
Standard talk show kind of thing. Like, you come onto a talk show to let people know what you're up to and Then people then are informed and they can make decisions about whether they either go to your business or.
Lyle Vanity
Absolutely. And I tend to have a more high end clientele and so a more average person might not have heard about my services.
Scott Aukerman
Are you saying that we are the average?
Lyle Vanity
Oh, not you of course, but your, your listeners probably. I mean we've got.
Scott Aukerman
And yet I have not heard of you, so.
Lyle Vanity
Well, that's because it's a, a well kept secret. And so it doesn't have anything to
Scott Aukerman
do with the high end clientele delineation necessarily. Right.
Lyle Vanity
It might have more to do with the fact that this is a new business and I'm still in the process of shaking hands and flat handing. It's flat handing.
David Dastmalchian
A lot of burgeoning businesses on the show today.
Scott Aukerman
That's true.
David Dastmalchian
Breakout day. This is like Shark Tank.
Scott Aukerman
It feels as if business is back, especially on Comedy Bang.
Lyle Vanity
I definitely feel like that booming.
David Dastmalchian
The gas prices are just going way down. Everything is happening. It's exciting.
Scott Aukerman
Tell us about what you got going on.
Lyle Vanity
Well, so I'm sure the three of you here have had the experience of purchasing a car.
Scott Aukerman
It's I, I have been lucky enough to purchase probably four or five cars in my life. I tend to hold on to them. I'm no Jay Leno certainly, but I tend to hold on to these cars for a bit of time.
Lyle Vanity
Successful man like you. What are you driving? A Maybach Lamborghini.
Scott Aukerman
I'm not quite sure what a Maybach is. So maybe I'm not the high end clientele that you. But, but no, I, I drive a, but a simple car. It's a, you know, just a high end BMW.
David Dastmalchian
Well, that, that, that's purchasing every man's vehicle.
Scott Aukerman
You know, I'm a regular people. Joe Plummer, the proletariat.
Lyle Vanity
Four wheels, that, well, that's perfect. Those are the types of cars that I deal with all the time. And, and let me ask you.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Lyle Vanity
Once you completed the purchase, you signed the paperwork.
Scott Aukerman
I had people do that for me. But go ahead.
Lyle Vanity
There was one more step that you probably took a man like yourself to customize your car a little bit to put yourself out there, there.
Scott Aukerman
I'm not, I, I, I don't know what, what exactly.
Lyle Vanity
No car purchase is complete without a vanity license plate.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
David Dastmalchian
God, I love a good van. I just saw one on my way here today. Yeah, Randy and Randy. R N D Y N la. So I was like, either his name's Randy or he's getting Randy, you know.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, maybe both.
David Dastmalchian
He's up to a little trouble.
Scott Aukerman
You know, Adam Scott has one that sever me in.
Lyle Vanity
Sever that. So that is a great example. Both of these are great examples of a way that a vanity license plate can communicate your identity to people when you're on the road.
Scott Aukerman
And that's what we want to do. Right, because we want.
Lyle Vanity
I mean, of course, I mean, you bought the high end bm, but you've only got seven.
Scott Aukerman
Seven characters.
Lyle Vanity
Characters, exactly. And, and, and that's where I.
David Dastmalchian
Stresses me out, man.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, but you. That you help people.
Lyle Vanity
That's where I come in.
Scott Aukerman
Oh.
David Dastmalchian
Oh, wow.
Scott Aukerman
This sounds great.
Lyle Vanity
Scott.
David Dastmalchian
I'm in.
Lyle Vanity
You've bought a high end BMW. You're going down to the DMV to get your official license plate. And you probably asked them for something like Mr. Bang Bang.
Scott Aukerman
I, I did ask. I, you know, I said, can you give me something like a Mr. Bang Bang or.
Lyle Vanity
And they probably said to you, well, sir, we'd love to give you Mr. Bang Bang, but as David pointed out, that's too many characters.
David Dastmalchian
Too many characters.
Scott Aukerman
Especially the way I spelled mister, which was M, I, S, T, E. Exactly.
Lyle Vanity
So you would then if you're at the Beverly Hills dmv, which is where I'm, where I'm stationed.
Scott Aukerman
You're stationed there. Wait, hold on. Lyle, do you, you work at the dmv?
Lyle Vanity
I don't work at the dmv. I'm.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, I see you.
Lyle Vanity
Working on my own accord.
Scott Aukerman
So you wait, you have a, like a little pop up outside.
Lyle Vanity
You could call it a kiosk. A pop up.
David Dastmalchian
That's like an ambulance chase. Or do you follow everyone off the lot with their brand new vehicle?
Lyle Vanity
Well, that's sort of what I started with. And the people at the DMV said that California state law did not allow me to run private business on DMV property.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so.
Lyle Vanity
So you have to walk over to the Pepsi vending machine and located outside of the.
Scott Aukerman
The actual building.
Lyle Vanity
I know it's, it's by the bathroom sort of. If you go past.
David Dastmalchian
I know the one you're talking. Oh, that one.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lyle Vanity
Yes. If you go past where they have the computers for the driving, the One
David Dastmalchian
that had Mr. Pib, it's got Sierra Mist, Mr. Pibb Pepsi.
Lyle Vanity
It no longer has Sierra Mist. Now it has Starry Soda, Pepsi's new soda. Yeah, the replacement for S A Mist.
David Dastmalchian
It's. It's good too.
Lyle Vanity
PIB Extra is actually, there's a PIB Extra in there. There's a Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Cherry Pepsi, Starry soda.
Scott Aukerman
Starry, yeah. So is this the important part that you want people to remember or.
Lyle Vanity
Well, the important part is that I help you remove the letters, the extra letters from Mr. What you want to put on your vanity.
Scott Aukerman
I see. So you, you're there as almost an editing service. Yes.
Lyle Vanity
A consultant, if you will.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, got it.
Lyle Vanity
And the vending machine part is important because that is how you find me. I am inside the vending machine, of course, because I'm not supposed to be out there conducting my business.
Scott Aukerman
Well, you. Is this a. Is this a fake vending machine that you know?
Lyle Vanity
It's a real vending machine. I wake up at 4am every morning. I go down to the Pepsi factory, I get myself inside of a pallet and then when they go to to replace a vending machine every day, I get myself in there.
Scott Aukerman
I have to say that you're sort of minimizing the details about get myself into a palette because that's the part that I'm not really picturing. What do you.
Lyle Vanity
So a pallet has.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
No.
Scott Aukerman
I know what a palette is. No. Yes.
Lyle Vanity
So I have to remove some of the bottles from the pallet.
Scott Aukerman
I see.
Lyle Vanity
So I keep the bottles around me and I am, I'm in the middle of the palette.
Scott Aukerman
You're in the. Oh, I see. So the. What is. What is on the palette? The bottles on the pallet. You put yourself into the delivery.
David Dastmalchian
Yes.
Lyle Vanity
So I have to displace some of the bottles so that there's room for my body.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Lyle Vanity
I wear a reflective vest so that if someone were to inspect would look like there were more bottles of the rest of the.
Scott Aukerman
I see. So it's a mirrored vest so that. I got it. Okay.
Lyle Vanity
Exactly. Then they, you know, they take me down to the. I have to make sure to get into the palette that's actually going to the palette.
Scott Aukerman
How many times have you gotten into the wrong palette?
Lyle Vanity
I would say once a week. I get into the wrong palette pallet because they don't have their, their warehouse is a little bit confusing.
Scott Aukerman
So I have their fault.
Lyle Vanity
It's. It's certainly not my fault. I mean, I'm a high end businessman. I've crossed my TE's.
Scott Aukerman
Where do you end up when you get on the wrong pallet?
Lyle Vanity
Well, sometimes I'll end up at a, a vending machine in the Best Western on Franklin.
David Dastmalchian
The one on Franklin?
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
David Dastmalchian
Cuz there's only five Pepsi vending machines in Los Angeles.
Scott Aukerman
You've been clocking these.
Lyle Vanity
That's right. So I've been to all five of those vending machines. Of course, this is a new venture, so I've been doing this about three months. I've been. The one vending machine that I usually am is the dmv, right?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Lyle Vanity
But the other four, I know them pretty well because I've ended up at each.
Scott Aukerman
How long does it take you to figure out you're in the wrong place?
Lyle Vanity
Well, when people approach the. The machine, they're supposed to do I've. They're supposed to do like, a little knock.
David Dastmalchian
Right.
Lyle Vanity
So that, like, they're supposed to make
Scott Aukerman
it look like there's a secret knock.
David Dastmalchian
I bet if they're at the Best Western, they're not looking for vanity license plates. They're looking for prophylactics or ice buckets.
Lyle Vanity
Exactly. So they're supposed to, you know, pretend like they're banging into the machine to try to get a bottle to fall out.
Scott Aukerman
This is. I have to say, this is a bit of a complicated situation. They have to pretend as if they
Lyle Vanity
have tripped and something stuck in there, and they're. I'm trying to get my bottle. There's a serious.
Scott Aukerman
In order to alert you to the fact that this is a.
Lyle Vanity
Exactly. Right. So either they don't do that because they don't know about this because they're at a Best Western, they're not looking
Scott Aukerman
to get evaded, or they. Someone actually ends up bumping into the machine.
Lyle Vanity
Right. Their bottle got stuck because I'm in there. And the gears are sort of.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
What happens when someone actually buys something. Does it hurt you? Because it's kind of spinning around what I assume are your arms.
Lyle Vanity
So there's. There's sort of a series of claws and.
David Dastmalchian
And I love that kind of machine, that. I love those laws and gears. It pulls it to the window, it drops down.
Lyle Vanity
There's machine.
David Dastmalchian
I love those.
Lyle Vanity
That. That moves the bottles around and.
Scott Aukerman
And this ends up scraping you.
Lyle Vanity
Yeah, Pinching my.
David Dastmalchian
This ain't your grandpa's pinching your what now?
Lyle Vanity
Pinching my penis or my earlobe or
Scott Aukerman
another part of whatever is protruding out of your body at that particular moment. Yeah. Okay.
Lyle Vanity
Usually is the penis. So that was the first thing I say. I didn't mean to make anybody uncomfortable.
Scott Aukerman
Understandable.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
No, no, no.
David Dastmalchian
Not uncomfortable at all.
Lyle Vanity
This.
Scott Aukerman
This comedy Bang bang is a PG13 podcast.
David Dastmalchian
Hard 13.
Scott Aukerman
Hard 13.
Lyle Vanity
PG13. That's a good abbreviation.
Scott Aukerman
So you can say. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So you're in a. Again, back to the abbreviations.
David Dastmalchian
Yes, that's right. Mr. Bang Bang.
Scott Aukerman
Instead of talking about the process of actually obtaining your services, of course. Well, let's, let's get into what you would actually do in my situation.
Lyle Vanity
Okay, so, so you go, Mr. Bang Bang. They say we can't do that.
Scott Aukerman
That's too many characters and I'm wrecked.
Lyle Vanity
You're, you're gutted.
Scott Aukerman
I'm an emotional just shell of a person.
Lyle Vanity
You were just ready to step into, into this identity, this new car, drive around on the road, let everybody know I'm here.
David Dastmalchian
Right.
Lyle Vanity
And now they're telling you, sorry, that's not going to work.
Scott Aukerman
What do I do at that point?
Lyle Vanity
So you walk over to the.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, now we know everything about walking over to the Pepsi machine, bumping into
Lyle Vanity
it all that you bump into it. So I know that you secret signal on the keypad. You type in.
Scott Aukerman
There's more to this.
Lyle Vanity
Well, yes, the Pepsi machine has a keypad on it.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Lyle Vanity
You type in what you were going to.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, I would have to type in
Lyle Vanity
Mr. Mr. Bang Bang.
Scott Aukerman
Now you would be able to translate that somehow because with every number there's three letters. So.
Lyle Vanity
Yes, so this is I. This is one of the more advanced Pepsi machines.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
David Dastmalchian
So it has that, that 24.
Scott Aukerman
A full 26.
Lyle Vanity
It has, has like a full keypad.
Scott Aukerman
24, you said 24. Who are you, Jack Bower?
Lyle Vanity
It has a full.
David Dastmalchian
I write. I write. Good.
Scott Aukerman
You'll notice in your graphic novels that you don't use two letters.
David Dastmalchian
I never use the letter. It's hard cuz one say E. Yeah, that's a vowel too.
Lyle Vanity
Another good abbreviation.
Scott Aukerman
That's a great one. ET New branding.
David Dastmalchian
ET Phnhm.
Lyle Vanity
E, T. Phnhm. That would be an old school, excellent vanity license for him.
David Dastmalchian
Not for you of course, but for Scott.
Lyle Vanity
Different people.
Scott Aukerman
All right, so I've typed Mr. Mr. Bang.
David Dastmalchian
Mr. Big typed in Mr. Bang Bang.
Scott Aukerman
What happens then?
Lyle Vanity
So then I basically figure out what you typed in based on what the machine starts doing with the, with the bottles. And I go, okay, Mr. Bank, there's
Scott Aukerman
a formula you've trained your body to do when it's poked and prodded in a certain way. That's right. And your penis is pinched several times
Lyle Vanity
pitched, depending how it's pitched. It might be an R depending on how it's.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It's beautiful. It's kind of like Morse code.
Lyle Vanity
Yeah, it is. It is sort of like Morse code.
Scott Aukerman
You know what Morse code is, by the way? Because the way you said that by the way, it is, it is sort of like Morse code.
Lyle Vanity
I swear, I swear it's like Morse code.
David Dastmalchian
I know. Yahoo.
Scott Aukerman
Serious.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It's okay. We all. No, we. We all know lots of things.
Lyle Vanity
We all know lots of things today.
Scott Aukerman
Sure. We're all people of. Of.
David Dastmalchian
Of.
Scott Aukerman
Of high intelligence.
Lyle Vanity
Exactly. And that's why you're coming to me.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. Okay, so once you figure this out via the pokes, the prods, the penis pinches.
Lyle Vanity
Yes. Then I go, okay, Mr. Bang Bang. I've got to remove some letters. And I charge by $5 per letter that I remove.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Now I've come into you with a M, I, S, T, E, R are B, A, N, G, B, A, B.
Lyle Vanity
So let's see, that's five, four is nine. I said about 13 letters. Mis.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, it's 14 letters.
Lyle Vanity
15 letter. 14 letters.
Scott Aukerman
14.
David Dastmalchian
Yes.
Lyle Vanity
So I have to remove seven of those. So Mr. Is easy.
Scott Aukerman
Mr. Is easy. We're going to get rid of the. The I, the S, the T and
Lyle Vanity
the E and just like er.
David Dastmalchian
But it's Mr. That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, gosh. It's going to be tempting for me not to just.
David Dastmalchian
Do you think er. Co. Star fits?
Scott Aukerman
Oh, er. Coaster. Especially with hyphen. It's close with the hyphen, though.
Lyle Vanity
Now if. If while you're doing this, you decide, wait, I don't want to be Mr. Bang Bang. You can. You can enter a new thing if you change your mind.
Scott Aukerman
Wouldn't that be confusing to you?
Lyle Vanity
It would. And it would hurt A lot.
David Dastmalchian
What were they? The windbreakers? No. Wind talkers. The code breakers? The Morse code break. He's the wind talker.
Scott Aukerman
He's sort of an Alan Turing.
David Dastmalchian
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Kind of guy. In terms of like, I do feel like.
Lyle Vanity
I do feel like I'm becoming one with this machine. I sort of.
Scott Aukerman
Look, I gotta admit, that's a separate conversation. Yes. The fact that you're becoming like the
David Dastmalchian
Singularity and becoming Headroom meets the.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. You know Max.
David Dastmalchian
You know about Max Headroom, right?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Of course. I couldn't know more.
David Dastmalchian
Max Headroom did Pepsi commercials.
Scott Aukerman
Of course he did. He's on the Art of Noises Paranormal.
David Dastmalchian
Absolutely.
Lyle Vanity
You know Max Headroom?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I know Max Headroom and I know his Pepsi commercials. I watch them all the time on I spot. I'm always laughing at that. But that's amazing, though. You've become a machine.
Lyle Vanity
Yes, of course, that's not the relevant part here. But it is.
Scott Aukerman
But I don't. I'm afraid we don't have time to get into you becoming machine. We need to. We need to figure out. We need to solve this, because right Now I have Mr. B, A, N, G. That's 10 letters.
Lyle Vanity
Mr. Is a common abbreviation. I, I, I, I'll give you a discount on that one. That, that'll just be $1 per letter removed.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so four do. I'm up to $4 right now. Okay.
Lyle Vanity
Yes, $4. Okay. So bang. Bang. So we've got two letters. So we have to get that down to five. There's a few ways that we could go about this.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Lyle Vanity
One is very simple. We just remove one of the bangs and then pluralize the remaining bangs.
Scott Aukerman
Like Mr. Bang squared or.
Lyle Vanity
Yes. So we could do Mr. Mr. Bangs with an S. Mr. Bang.
Scott Aukerman
I've worried that people would think I'm a hairdresser at that point. And I would, you know.
Lyle Vanity
Right.
Scott Aukerman
I'd be getting a lot of women who want to, like, change their whole look, you know, Like. Yes. Flagging me down.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Mr. Bangs. Mr. Bangs.
David Dastmalchian
Mr.— Bangs, please give me a train.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, of course.
David Dastmalchian
And that is something very aggressive. Lover.
Lyle Vanity
Right? Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, yeah. That's another thing. Yeah.
Lyle Vanity
So you don't want to be associated with being a hairdresser.
David Dastmalchian
Why do you have against hairdressers? Go ahead.
Lyle Vanity
Well, what do you have against hair?
Scott Aukerman
Well, look, I have nothing against hairdressers. I just don't want to be misconstrued as one because I have no skills. Sure.
David Dastmalchian
You don't have a certificate.
Scott Aukerman
Exactly. Yeah. Do you ever do, like, minus, like Mr. Bangs minus hair. Hair.
Lyle Vanity
Mr. Bangs minus hair. So the dash. Unfortunately, in other states they do allow you to the dash.
David Dastmalchian
Character.
Lyle Vanity
State of California.
Scott Aukerman
You wouldn't be able to get. Yeah, thanks, Nome. Thanks a lot.
Lyle Vanity
Er, co star. But maybe er. Young man, there's no Y N, G, M N. Yes. Y, N, G, Y N, R, Y
Scott Aukerman
N, G, M N N. Yeah.
David Dastmalchian
Er, that, that looks good.
Scott Aukerman
Good. Right?
David Dastmalchian
Here's what you don't. Here's what you don't know about me. My commitment to shit. The next time I get to be on the show, if I get to be on the show, I'm gonna ask
Scott Aukerman
you to come outside, check out the
David Dastmalchian
vanity plate on my everyman BMW.
Scott Aukerman
Wait, what are we doing with my Mr. Bang?
Lyle Vanity
Okay, so you don't want Mr. Bangs.
Scott Aukerman
No.
Lyle Vanity
So another option would be Mr. Tubang.
Scott Aukerman
Mr. Two. Bang.
Lyle Vanity
Mr. Number. Mr. Number two.
Scott Aukerman
Mr. B A N G. I worry. I worry about the Mr. Number 2.
David Dastmalchian
Like, I'm like Mr. BNG x 2M
Scott Aukerman
BNG NG x 2 x 2. That looks like a regular license plate.
David Dastmalchian
Right.
Scott Aukerman
And of course, we but here's the thing, Scott.
David Dastmalchian
It's got to be a little insider. You don't want just anybody knowing like in the Pavilions parking lot. That that's Scott A. Because they.
Scott Aukerman
If it's too obvious with my Mr. Bang Bang.
David Dastmalchian
I mean what about the stalkers?
Lyle Vanity
That's true. Some high end clients prefer to be a little.
David Dastmalchian
Little anonymity in this mean be a little more discreet. You got to be like you. Do you donate stuff in your name or do you do it, you know, anonymous.
Lyle Vanity
So Mr. Mr. BNG X2. Of course.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, you could.
David Dastmalchian
He doesn't like it.
Scott Aukerman
It's okay.
David Dastmalchian
He doesn't like it.
Lyle Vanity
That. That you're Mr. Bing.
David Dastmalchian
Sure.
Scott Aukerman
Like Mr. Bing Crosby.
Lyle Vanity
Mr. B. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Mr. Chandler Bing.
David Dastmalchian
Depressing Mr. Chandler.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
But I know who the other one is, by the way. But anyway.
Lyle Vanity
Or someone from Microsoft.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Mr. Like. Like I'm the guy who's gonna Bing everything instead of googling it. Yeah.
Lyle Vanity
Right. And we're gonna get. And you're going around saying we're gonna get twice as many people getting on Bing this year.
Scott Aukerman
That's what you're trying to expect. Yeah. I don't. I don't.
David Dastmalchian
Which is gonna happen. I predict Nostradamus actually predicted that we
Lyle Vanity
could do is we could. We could keep the both of the bangs but. But remove letters from each and hopefully keep all the letters there.
Scott Aukerman
I like this. So Mr. B.N. okay.
Lyle Vanity
B, A G. We've still got all the letters.
David Dastmalchian
Mr. Bean Bag.
Scott Aukerman
Mr. Bean Bag.
David Dastmalchian
That's a fun party guy though. I love Mr. Bean.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I do think fun.
Lyle Vanity
Sometimes the vanity plate that you want to do do just. Just isn't possible. And so you might want to go, maybe I could be Mr. Beanbag. Rename the show.
Scott Aukerman
I feel like I could change the branding to Mr. Beanbag. Look, I changed it already once.
David Dastmalchian
Comedy Beanbag.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Comedy Beanbag.
David Dastmalchian
Comedy.
Scott Aukerman
Not the worst idea.
David Dastmalchian
Bing Bong. Who didn't love inside out.
Scott Aukerman
That's. Yes, exactly.
David Dastmalchian
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
I don't know. Maybe. Comedy Beanbag. Comedy Bean.
David Dastmalchian
Hey.
Scott Aukerman
Welcome to Comedy Beanbag. I. Yeah. Yeah. I could maybe. I could maybe work with that. Do you find that that's usually what happens.
Lyle Vanity
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Is you end up making people change their own business names.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes.
Lyle Vanity
A lot of times. And I don't want to say it's because people are so frustrated with the process of typing the thing into the vending machine every time. But I think a lot of times people do end up going, you know what? I'll just be Mr. Beanbag. That's fine.
Scott Aukerman
Wait, is Mr. Beanbag already taken, by the way?
Lyle Vanity
Well, no. Just hypothetically.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. I want to make sure.
Lyle Vanity
But I do need to. I do need to check on.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, Earning man. Yes, yes, for David.
Lyle Vanity
I'll check in my database to see if anyone's dumb.
Scott Aukerman
What's your database?
Lyle Vanity
It's just a list of all of the.
Scott Aukerman
You've written this down by hand, I'm noticing. This is like a. Yes. You've written down every license plate that exists in California.
Lyle Vanity
Yeah, well, as I see them on the road, I write them down.
Scott Aukerman
You're doing this by eye.
Lyle Vanity
Well, I don't have access to the DMV.
David Dastmalchian
He's on 405. Just with a little note, writing them down.
Scott Aukerman
How many accidents have you gotten into? This seems distracting.
Lyle Vanity
About five accidents.
Scott Aukerman
About five.
Lyle Vanity
About five, give or take.
Scott Aukerman
What are we talking? What? Give or take how many? How many what? In real hard data, how many?
David Dastmalchian
Six. That's not terrible.
Lyle Vanity
It was a little bit.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Considering the work, it is about five.
Lyle Vanity
Yeah, I lowered it to five.
David Dastmalchian
He's uninsured.
Lyle Vanity
But I'm getting to work every day through the Pepsi pallet truck, so.
Scott Aukerman
Sure. So there's no danger to people out there?
Lyle Vanity
No danger to people out there. But yes, I write them down by hand. Of. I don't have access to the DMV's databases. Of course, I have asked them several times. They don't want me around there. I'm not sure I would even. I can't really use my phone inside the vending machine because the frequencies sort of.
David Dastmalchian
They disrupt the actual C M E D Y.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, hashtag, hashtag CMD ey.
David Dastmalchian
No, wait. CM E D, Y, C M E D Y. So you'd get that committee C, M E D Y, either exclamation point, exclamation point, or hashtag, hashtag pound pound bang
Scott Aukerman
bang pound committee Pound pound.
David Dastmalchian
Comedy paying comedy pound pound.
Scott Aukerman
I could just change the name to that.
David Dastmalchian
I feel like there's a new player in town.
Scott Aukerman
David, you're pretty good at this.
Lyle Vanity
I am. I'm so sorry, but the. The pound sign is not available in
Scott Aukerman
the state like Acre is. He flew too close to the sun.
Lyle Vanity
But I appreciate your enthusiasm.
David Dastmalchian
This is really legendary. Wings.
Lyle Vanity
Thrilling work.
David Dastmalchian
Yeah, thank you. This.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, this sounds great. How did you get interested in this kind of work?
Lyle Vanity
Well, I'm something of a 90s kid, so I grew up in AIM chat rooms where it was very important to remove letters from the words you're saying because you're on a dial up Modem. And your mom has a important phone call.
David Dastmalchian
She has to. My first email address was an aol. And I wanted. I loved the band. I wanted the band. I loved the band Spiritualized, so I wanted D. Spiritualized, so I did D, S, P, R, T, L, z d@aol.com and everyone who would get my email go, Desperate Lizard. What's up, Desperate Lizard or Disperdled? Disperdled.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Lyle Vanity
Did you find yourself going, oh, you know what I mean. I'm Desperate Lizard.
David Dastmalchian
I did. I gave in.
Scott Aukerman
That could be like your. Your company name. Your desperate company. The Desperate Lizard.
David Dastmalchian
My new. My new company.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Interesting. So you're. So you're a 90s kid.
Lyle Vanity
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
What other stuff do you like from the 90s?
Lyle Vanity
Yeah, let's see. I can name 12 things that I like from the 90s.
Scott Aukerman
You know what?
David Dastmalchian
12 major 90s things.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
12 things.
Scott Aukerman
I would love to hear the 12 things, but I'm afraid. Afraid we're running out of time.
Lyle Vanity
Running out of time.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. I'm so sorry. But Lyle, this is. This is great stuff. People can get. Can get to know you at the. The Beverly Hills.
Lyle Vanity
Beverly Hills dmv. We won't exactly be meeting face to face, but.
Scott Aukerman
Right. So you never pop your head out or. How do you. How do they pay you?
Lyle Vanity
So the way that, that works is once I come up with. With the license plate.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Lyle Vanity
I then sort of ring up inside the vending machine how much they owe me.
Scott Aukerman
How do you do. How do you manipul that? Via your penis as well.
Lyle Vanity
Or there's this special wire that happens to be close to my penis. I don't just happen. I don't need to use my penis,
Scott Aukerman
but it happens to be the proximity.
Lyle Vanity
And I don't have a lot of room in there. And so I just gotta. And I use that to.
Scott Aukerman
To charge. To ring up the.
Lyle Vanity
To go into the console on the. On the vending machine so that it displays to them how much they owe. They put the money in.
Scott Aukerman
Got it.
Lyle Vanity
I drink a full bottle of Pepsi and then I put inside the bottle. The empty bottle.
Scott Aukerman
What?
Lyle Vanity
Yes. If they gave me too much, I put their change in there, which is actually great because a normal vending machine, they'll give you like 18 quarters or something.
David Dastmalchian
Sure, sure.
Scott Aukerman
But you put dollar bills inside an empty Pepsi bottle.
Lyle Vanity
Exactly. Along with the. Their vanity license plate that I've come up with. And I put it in the bottle and. And release it through the machine.
Scott Aukerman
Fantastic. And how many satisfied customers?
Lyle Vanity
It's impossible for me to know Because.
Scott Aukerman
Because you're not actually speaking to.
Lyle Vanity
I'm not actually speaking to.
Scott Aukerman
How much money have you made with this so far?
Lyle Vanity
$20,000.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, you can't argue as exact.
David Dastmalchian
You can't argue with that.
Lyle Vanity
You can't argue with that.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
That is a living.
David Dastmalchian
That is a great living. The amount you're saving in like fuel costs. You're not having to drive yourself to work.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
This is the Beverly Hills.
David Dastmalchian
Your overhead is so low.
Lyle Vanity
That's right. For the high end clientele.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. Well, Lyle, vanity, this is an incredible opportunity for people out there.
Lyle Vanity
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
And David, I expect next time I see you to. For you to be earning.
David Dastmalchian
I'll be absolutely.
Scott Aukerman
And we're running out of time, though. We only have time for one final feature on the show and that is of course, a little something called plugs.
Lyle Vanity
Plug back.
Scott Aukerman
Plug back.
Lyle Vanity
Open up the plug
David Dastmalchian
bag.
Scott Aukerman
All right, that was. What's better than one plug bag? Eight plug bags by Jackson Rohrbaugh. Roba, maybe Rorbaugh Rohba. That sounds right, right? Roarba. Roarba. It's like a lion in Ebenezer Scrooge. Right next to each other.
David Dastmalchian
R O A R B A H R O A. That's his vanity plate. That's his vanity plate.
Lyle Vanity
Perfect seven.
David Dastmalchian
That's great.
Scott Aukerman
Ultimate seven.
David Dastmalchian
Roar B.
Scott Aukerman
All right, guys, what are we plugging? David, obviously your graphic novel through is out right now.
David Dastmalchian
Buy through. You can buy it online or you can go to your local book retailer. You can go to your local comic shop. Keep your eyes peeled for the accessories from Panic and Kingdom of Earth from Dark Horse. And if you would be so gracious, go online, order Count Crowley or Knights versus Samurai or Creature Commandos all by David Desmoulchian. Thank you.
Scott Aukerman
Fantastic. Deedee. Disney. Disney. What are we plugging?
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Well, if you are a woman looking to give birth in a magical way, you can go to www.mydisneybirthplan.org. but also I expect this to be
Scott Aukerman
a working website, by the way.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes, of course, of course. What can a domain cost? 12 dol. Of course it's worth it. And then you can also listen to an improvised Hollywood roundtable podcast that I listen to called Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists. And follow someone on Instagram named Kylie Brakeman.
Scott Aukerman
A little someone named Kylie Brakeman.
David Dastmalchian
She is little artist on artist on Artist on Artist on Artists.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, four, four.
Lyle Vanity
Type all four Ao Ao AO A A perfect seven.
David Dastmalchian
Seven Perfect.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yeah, I'll be sure to email her.
Scott Aukerman
Speaking of perfect sevens, let's Talk to this perfect two over here.
Lyle Vanity
Oh, I really. That really got me.
Scott Aukerman
Hey, I don't like to comment on our guest physical.
Lyle Vanity
I really thought you were gonna call me a seven. I really thought that's where that was going. I mean, it's probably good that I'm in that machine and people can't see what I look like.
Scott Aukerman
Lyle, Vanity. What do you want to plug?
Lyle Vanity
Well, I would like you to. If you're looking. If you're looking to add some style to your car, come down to the Beverly Hills dmv. Of course, the Pepsi vending machine. Try Starry Soda. It's really good.
David Dastmalchian
I've never had it. He's getting it.
Lyle Vanity
Yeah, it's. It's new.
Scott Aukerman
Is this one. This is one of the ones right by your penis.
David Dastmalchian
Sierra Mist.
Lyle Vanity
Yep, it's the one there happened my penis. This happens.
David Dastmalchian
It's D3. Some of the starry bottle D3 they'll
Scott Aukerman
rub up against as they get released into.
Lyle Vanity
It's a weirdly designed machine because a lot of this stuff seems to be very close to my penis. And then there's other parts where there's
Scott Aukerman
like, oh, wait, by the way, you got into the machine the way you wanted to be as well, so it's. It's not as if it's the machine design fault.
Lyle Vanity
Well, I don't have so much control over how the. The guy from the Pepsi factory shoving me in there.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, okay. All right, all right.
David Dastmalchian
Fair.
Lyle Vanity
Come on down. Get a vanity license plate. And I'd like to plug the Instagram of one of my clients, James Manion. It's @James Manion0 on Instagram. Check that out.
Scott Aukerman
He's a client of yours. Oh, he got a vanity license plate?
Lyle Vanity
Yes, he got a vanity license plate.
Scott Aukerman
What is his vanity license plate?
Lyle Vanity
It's Mr. Bld. P.P.
Scott Aukerman
Mr. Beld. Peepee.
Lyle Vanity
Mr. It's actually short for Mr. Bald Pimp.
Scott Aukerman
I don't think I would get.
David Dastmalchian
I wouldn't have gotten that. I thought it was a Mr. Belvedere reference, which Dee Dee's a big fan of. The old Mr. Belvedere.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I have all the shirts.
Scott Aukerman
Do you remember when he sat on his own balls?
David Dastmalchian
Oh, God. What about the really heavy episodes?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
David Dastmalchian
Oh, yeah.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Made me cry.
Scott Aukerman
What do I want to plug? Hey, look, Comedy Bang Bang. We're out on tour coming up soon, so you're going to want to go out and see us. Check out all of our dates@cbbworld.com tour and also while you're there at Comedy Bang Bang World. We have so many great shows over there. We have the entire archive of comedy. Bang. Bang. Every episode ad free. Every live episode we've ever done. We have other shows like the Neighborhood. Listen. We have. Hey Randy. We have this book changed my life. We have Heinz. I'm proud to meet you. We have Collegetown. We have the Womp It Up. So many great things going on over there. Oh, you gotta head over to cbbworld.com. all right, let's close up the old plug bag. I just earned 50. I wanna close the bag, baby step on in. I wanna close it tight. You know the way to win.
David Dastmalchian
I wanna close that bag. I wanna make it right.
Scott Aukerman
So just close that bag. Hold those lanyards tight and then loosen the bag and let it open wide.
David Dastmalchian
I'm just opening the bag.
Scott Aukerman
He's got no place to hide. Put things in it. Cause it's so open fast. And if you don't want that, kiss Sweet Chat's ass. That's how we open the bag. And everybody sings. Open the bag with the ring. And now you know. And now you know. Oh, speaking of Dread Zeppelin. Boy, that was exciting for 50 year olds, wasn't it? That was a Bag of Hope remix by Vic Freeze. Thank you so much to Vic Freeze. And guys, I want to thank you so much for being on the show. David, welcome to the onetimers club. So pleasure. So nice to have you.
David Dastmalchian
Long overdue.
Scott Aukerman
Long overdue. Especially for someone who contributed the snacks to what's right up there. Look at that on my wall.
David Dastmalchian
That's exciting and exciting, full circle moments.
Scott Aukerman
And I truly hope that you get to go out there calling 911 on all of our favorite medical shows. I think that would be, you know, you, you, you could be like the Detective Munch of medical shows. Guy who calls 911 and moves from city to city.
David Dastmalchian
It's his thing.
Scott Aukerman
That's his thing. That's what he likes to do.
David Dastmalchian
Everybody needs a thing.
Scott Aukerman
He likes to be around emergencies and call and call for help.
David Dastmalchian
Should I call 91 1?
Scott Aukerman
He is a young man. Listen to his voice break.
David Dastmalchian
Should I call 911
Scott Aukerman
and Disney. Disney, so wonderful to meet you.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh, so good to be here. I just had. There's four waters that just broke near Splash Mountain. And I. Every day of my life is amazing.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, it does sound amazing to be you.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It's to be me. To be a girl in this world with this job, it's fantastic.
David Dastmalchian
Magic.
Scott Aukerman
Also being the heir to the Disney fortune.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
The money's pretty good.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, that's.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
I mean the money's pretty awesome.
Scott Aukerman
This is more just like a weird hobby that you have as an eccentric billionaire.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
It's just kind of my eccentric.
David Dastmalchian
To somebody who's had a medical emergency at Disney, I do want to say that's very exciting.
Scott Aukerman
What was your medical emergency?
David Dastmalchian
Oh my gosh. My poor daughter, when she was just three, fell face first onto a curb and her tongue went through her teeth. And all of a sudden, from no nowhere, the nurses dressed like they were out of 101 Dalmatians, like they're from another time. Came out with little carts and there's all. Disney has so much amazing infrastructure. And then they take you right into a building that looks like an old timey Disney movie set hospital. And they brought her in and they had.
Scott Aukerman
Did Ratatouille operate on her?
David Dastmalchian
Not Ratatouille, but they did have some. An ice pack from Olaf. And she was so touched. She must have been so gave her an ice pack and it was kind of amazing. So you guys are doing God's work.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Oh my gosh.
David Dastmalchian
I just want to say thank you to the medical community at Disney. Bless you.
Scott Aukerman
And you, the billionaire heiress.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
Yes, yes.
David Dastmalchian
With your vanity project.
Scott Aukerman
Speaking of vanity project vanity, we want to thank you. Lyall Vanity.
David Dastmalchian
Wow.
Lyle Vanity
Thank you.
Scott Aukerman
You getting back in that machine anytime, anytime soon?
Lyle Vanity
Yes, tomorrow morning I will be up bright and early at the Pepsi factory plug. Not soon, because it takes. It's a long process to get into that thing.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, but I mean it's worth it. 200. How much money you made?
Lyle Vanity
$220,000.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, $20,000. I thought it was 250. That's less than I thought.
Lyle Vanity
250,000. No, I give or take $20,000.
Scott Aukerman
Wait, $20,000? How long have you been doing this? Three months.
Lyle Vanity
Three months?
David Dastmalchian
That's a pretty good.
Dee Dee (Disney Doula)
That's pretty good.
David Dastmalchian
I'm in. Impressed.
Scott Aukerman
You're talking to a guy with a high end BMW, I don't know, 80k
David Dastmalchian
sitting in a dang Pepsi machine at the DMV. I'm proud of you. This is America.
Scott Aukerman
What are we talking? 80k for the year three?
Lyle Vanity
Yeah, 23 is 1/4 of 12.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, that's not even six figures and you're sitting in this hot machine.
Lyle Vanity
I guess it's more money than James Manion makes, I'll tell you that.
Scott Aukerman
All right, well, easier client. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks everyone. Bye. Breathe in. Feel the sense of calm that comes from having up to $300 in overdraft protection with Goto bank now. Did you say $300? Yes. Now back to our breathing.
David Dastmalchian
So if I overspend my balance, go2bank has my back up to $300.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. Can we breathe out now? Less worries, more zen. With over $300 in overdraft protection, tap to open an account today. Eligible direct deposits and opt in required for overdraft protection fees. Terms and conditions apply. You know what's worse than a long wait? Flipping through old magazines in a waiting room. Instead, I power up Champa Casino slots,
David Dastmalchian
Blackjack, solitaire, roulette, bingo and more.
Scott Aukerman
Boredom doesn't stand a chance.
David Dastmalchian
Take a few virtual laps with me. Let's Chumba play now at Chumba Casino. Com.
Scott Aukerman
No purchase necessary. VGW Group voidware prohibited by law. CTNCS 21+. Sponsored by Jumba Casino.
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: David Dastmalchian, Kylie Brakeman (“Dee Dee/Disney Doula”), James Mannion (“Lyle Vanity”)
Release Date: April 27, 2026
This episode of Comedy Bang Bang brings together actor/writer David Dastmalchian, character performer Kylie Brakeman as Dee Dee the Disney Doula, and James Mannion as Lyle Vanity, an entrepreneurial vanity license plate consultant. Host Scott Aukerman orchestrates conversations that veer from Hollywood anecdotes to delightfully absurd character interviews, anchoring everything with his signature playful style. Key topics include Dastmalchian’s extensive acting career and new graphic novel "Through", the burgeoning field of Disney-themed childbirth, and the (highly questionable) underground world of personalized vanity plates—all delivered in true Comedy Bang Bang fashion.
(01:15–24:00, 34:58–36:23, 94:25–95:17)
Introductions & Anecdotes:
“And then I realize… the friend who was next to me was Michelle Obama. And the election was days away.” – David D. (07:32)
Graphic Novel "Through":
“She wakes up in the hospital… and discovers this old stranger has a room dedicated entirely to her daily life. Through his work, she enters a portal to another realm.” – David D. (22:28)
“What is the pulsing blood underneath… that makes it alive? For me, it was relinquishing control.” – David D. (27:13)
(36:23–56:25, 60:41–61:42, 94:43–95:19)
Who is Dee Dee?
“For women… who want to give birth at Disneyland… on the Haunted Mansion, or Indiana Jones, or any place a little girl dreams about when giving birth.” – Dee Dee (37:07)
Process & Logistics:
“When you say beta testing, we haven’t told the Disney Corporation… or Bob Iger…” – Dee Dee (47:09)
Memorable (and Absurd) Ride Choices:
“The first person to ever hold her baby girl was Goofy.” – Dee Dee (54:20)
(61:53–84:57)
Professional Background:
“No car purchase is complete without a vanity license plate… You’ve only got seven characters, and that’s where I come in.” – Lyle Vanity (64:31)
How It Works:
Sample Rebrandings:
“Sometimes, the vanity plate you want to do just isn’t possible. Maybe I could be Mr. Beanbag. Rename the show?” – Lyle Vanity (80:39)
For more surreal Hollywood stories and improv chaos, follow Comedy Bang Bang wherever you listen to podcasts—keep your hands, arms, and babies inside the ride at all times!