Dudes Rock! (May Darmon, Matt Apodaca, Angela Giarratana)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: Dudes Rock! (Feb 2, 2026)

Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests/Characters: Rupert McDougall (May Darmon), Duke Nukem (Matt Apodaca), Chris Thomas (Angela Giarratana)
Theme: A bro-heavy “CBB Roundtable” explores “the issues of the day”—but quickly devolves into comic camaraderie, body count braggadocio, relationship woes, and surreal manly tangents.

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Episode Overview

Scott Aukerman stages a “CBB Roundtable” after failing to book a proper celebrity, instead creating a loose, anything-goes panel of repeat and first-time characters. Today’s all-dude panel—time-displaced Scotsman Rupert McDougall, hyper-masculine game hero Duke Nukem, and neighbor-in-relationship-peril Chris Thomas—finds comfort in the safe space of masculine nonsense, riffing on everything from ancient love to relationship cycles to what counts as “man gogurt.” The result is as much therapy session for hapless bros as a satire of “man talk” culture.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction & Premise: The CBB Roundtable

• Scott opens with the promise of tackling today's "crazy" issues in a “roundtable” format; panelists may try to change each other’s minds or just overshare.
• Reveals the real reason for this format: “mainly we couldn’t book anyone” ([02:33]).

2. Guest Introductions & Backstories

a. Rupert McDougall (May Darmon)

• A Scotsman from the year 1772, accidentally sent to modern LA by a portal activated mid-wedding night, forever a frustrated virgin.
• Has failed to adapt to acting auditions (“They’re telling me the couch is a person. I don’t think so, Scott.” [12:12]) and awaits a commercial callback.
• Stays with "guys in the Valley" (the cast of The Valley), struggles with modernity, and is obsessed with returning to Deirdre, his never-consummated bride.
• Notable: Is still not over Scott taking his knife.
• Quote: “People who play pretend in 1772 are witches…” ([12:24])

b. Duke Nukem (Matt Apodaca)

• Video game action anti-hero, parodying hyper-masculinity; boasts of high “body count” (sexual partners and enemies alike)
• Has been cloned (“I’ve kicked my own ass…” [13:14]), is running for governor (“If you try to step to anybody in California, I’ll rip your head off!” [18:17]), and claims to be “Pan”—he’ll have sex with anything.
• Panel catchphrase generator: “Hail to the king, baby!” and “Damn, I’m looking good.”
• Quote: “The only offer I accept is kicking your ass.” ([33:38])
• Quote: “I don’t drink any water. I only drink Monster Energy drinks, brother.” ([36:11])

c. Chris Thomas (Angela Giarratana)

• A hapless, nervous local, newly moved in with girlfriend Quinn, whose period-induced mood swings have left him literally fleeing the house.
• Seeks advice and compassion from the “dudes,” worries his girlfriend is possessed, and admits to feeling overwhelmed by cohabitation.
• Quote: “I don’t know what monster took her. Took my sweet baby girl…” ([22:06])
• Eats cereal out of vases (since Quinn is a florist) and is unsure how to handle emotional cycles.
• Quote: “I love her so much. She would have never done this two days ago. And what’s weird is she did this a month ago.” ([22:19])

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Memorable/Notable Moments & Quotes

• Manly Safe Space:

  • “It’s so awesome to be in a room to speak freely with a bunch of men.” ([25:47])
  • “This is a safe space.” ([25:51])

• Body Count Braggadocio:

  • Scott asks for sexual “body count”—a running CBB parody of bro-metrics:
    • Chris: “Body count: two, by the way.”
    • Duke: “10,000.”
    • Rupert: “Still at zero.” ([23:07], [17:44], [06:29])

• Duke on Relationships/Politics:

  • “I’m running for the Duke Nukem Party, baby, because I don’t submit to any one party.” ([18:45])
  • “If you don’t vote for me, you better get well acquainted with my boot, motherfucker.” ([33:48])

• Rupert’s Portal Problem:

  • His inability to consummate his marriage due to bathroom-related portal mishaps (“There’s a ton of portals. There’s multiple.” [09:52])
  • Legree Pilates machine as accidental time machine ([10:10])

• Debate: What is “GoGurt”?

  • Arguments about what counts as "gogurt": “Is aioli gogurt? Is caramel gogurt? Concrete is man gogurt.” ([25:12], [25:40])
  • “My piss is thick like gogurt.” ([36:03])
  • “Period blood is gogurt.” ([69:17])

• Masculine Camaraderie/Satire:

  • Repeated celebrations of “dudes rock” and the freedom and stupidity of an all-male panel
  • Chris, emotionally: “This group here, I don’t know what it’s been...there’s something really special here.” ([77:54])

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Key Segments & Timestamps

• CBB Roundtable Announcement / Premise: [02:33 – 03:59]
• Panel Introductions & Backstories: [03:59 – 21:00]
  • Rupert’s time-travel story, virginity hangup
  • Duke Nukem’s clone/combat philosophy
  • Chris Thomas’ domestic woes
• Safe Dudes’ Space/Body Count Bits: [23:00 – 25:00]
• Defining “GoGurt” & Tangents: [25:09 – 26:00]
• Getting to “Issues of the Day”: [26:12, 39:10, 40:14]
• Pet Preference Roundtable (Horse, Big Monkey, Lizard): [40:14 – 44:01]
• Exploring Outer Space v. Bottom of the Ocean: [63:28 – 76:35]
  • Sidebars on swimming, movie recommendations, and living with women
  • Screensaver hijinks—visual metaphor for the panel’s shifting focus ([69:29 – 75:06])
• Speed Round: “What Would You Buy with a Million Dollars?” [79:04 – 80:51]
  • Duke would buy another clone; Rupert, expensive fragrances; Chris, a cryochamber to “freeze my girlfriend...when she’s in a good mood” ([79:58])
• Plugs: [82:56 – 87:09]
  • Rupert: UCB’s Herald Night
  • Duke: Get Played Podcast, Netflix’s Strip Law
  • Chris: Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists podcast

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Character Interplay & Running Gags

• Scott's Running Annoyance:

  • With Rupert’s loquacious, meandering backstories
  • With Duke’s cocky, cyclical catchphrases
  • With Chris’s anxious interruptions and requests for refuge

• Weapon Confiscation:

  • Scott must keep track of Rupert’s knife and Duke’s arsenal in the studio: “I’ll give them back at the end of the show.” ([15:11])

• Bro Wisdom and Inept Relationship Advice:

  • The panel’s mixture of mock-support, bad advice, and feigned sympathy for Chris’s period panic and relationship confusion
  • “As bros, we need to level with each other…” ([54:53])

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• Rupert: “People who play pretend in 1772 are witches, so…” ([12:24])
• Duke: “I’ve been cloned and I kicked my own ass. I take my own name.” ([13:41])
• Scott (to Chris): “Sometimes as bros, we need to level with each other and say bro…” ([54:53])
• Chris (on male safe spaces): “It’s so awesome to be in a room to speak freely with a bunch of men.” ([25:47])
• Duke (on diet): “I don’t drink any water. I only drink Monster Energy drinks, brother.” ([36:11])
• Chris (on partner): “My girlfriend’s on her period... I love her so much. She would have never done this two days ago. And what’s weird is she did this a month ago.” ([22:19])

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Tone & Style

Irreverent, rambly, self-aware, and playful, the episode lampoons bro culture, relationship cliches, and pop masculinity, taking refuge in dumb, competitive digressions. The panel is quick to bond over shared idiocy, hostile or anxious posturing, and inside jokes.

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Conclusion

The “Dudes Rock!” roundtable finds accidental depth through comic shallowness, offering a snapshot of what happens when men are left alone to “solve” the world’s problems: pet debates, snack metaphysics, relationship panic, and a lot of emotionally constipated, literal, and metaphorical machismo. The panel never gets to real issues but ends with plugs and affectionate chaos—Chris runs off, reinvigorated by an NSFW text from Quinn, and Scott makes it clear the open-door policy is strictly for the show.

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Summary Table of Main Segments

| Time | Segment | Highlights | |----------|--------------------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:33 | CBB Roundtable intro | Scott sets the scene (“couldn’t book anyone”); theme of finding common ground | | 03:59 | Panel intros | Rupert’s portal woes; Duke’s bravado/history; Chris’s relationship crisis | | 23:00 | Bro/Body Count bits | Sexual history comparisons; safe space for bro sharing | | 25:09 | GoGurt debate | What counts as “man gogurt”; food/masculinity absurdity | | 40:14 | Pet preferences | Rupert (horse), Duke (giant monkey), Chris (lizard/family wants) | | 63:28 | Space v. Ocean | Everyone picks “ocean” for manly reasons; fear and camaraderie | | 79:04 | Speed round | What you’d buy with a million dollars—clones, fragrances, cryochamber | | 82:56 | Plugs | Guests recommend live shows, podcasts, new animated series |

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For New Listeners

This episode is less about tackling news “issues” and more a comic riff on the idea of the men’s panel: expect time travel snafus, over-the-top machismo, and a parade of “dudes rock” nonsense. Engaging, quotable, and a great showcase of comedy character work.

Best quote for the vibe:
“It truly is. This is a safe space. Of course, we’re going to be talking about the issues of the day. Are you guys prepared for this?” - Scott Aukerman ([25:51])

Transcript

[Duke Nukem]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Duke Nukem]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Rupert McDougall]

El Programa Nacional de Vecas a ser.

[Scott Aukerman]

De McDonald's a beneficiado mas de vieiciente. Champagne for my real friends. Real pain from years of childhood neglect. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Wahabi with Ibotti for that catchphrase submission. We're only taking new ones. That was submitted January 7th of 2026. Only taking 2026 catchphrases. From now on, if you feel like you have a catchphrase that was unfortunately neglected from previous years, go ahead and resubmit. But try to update it with a little 2026 flair, if you don't mind. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Aukerman. This is Comedy Bang Bang for another. We are deviating perhaps from the traditional format of Comedy Bang Bang. Traditional format? Being a celebrity comes on the show, we talk to them and then we have, you know, sometimes they're a movie star. Not very often, quite honestly. Sometimes they're a TV star, sometimes they're an author, sometimes they're a comedian with a special. Other times they're podcasters.

[Rupert McDougall]

Jesus Christ.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then other times, we decided to deviate from the format.

[Duke Nukem]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, mainly we couldn't book anyone, but we're going to deviate from the format. And you know what that means. It's time for the CBB Roundtable. Oh, I forgot, I don't have an explosion sound effect. God, our sound effect budget is all out. Okay, well, anyway, it's time for the CBB Roundtable. We all know what that means. The table is round, but our focus is squarely on the issues. And we're going to be talking about the issues of the day and what we all think about them. Trying to come to some sort of an understanding, trying to figure out, you know, some people are over here on these issues and we're over here and maybe we can meet in the middle, or maybe not even the middle. Maybe we totally convince someone to go flip to the other side. Maybe we don't convince anyone of anything. But that is what our goal is here today. Is to talk about what's going on in this crazy world. Look, the news is crazier than ever. You have to. Yeah. Sometimes I'll be flipping through news channels and I'll be like, that happened. And then I'll be like, oh. But that also happened. And so in these trying times, we need to figure out where we stand on these issues, and we're going to do that today. Let me get to today's panel. We have an incredible panel here today. We have someone who's been on the show before, so that's very exciting. We spoke to them a few months back. He's a tourist. Please welcome back Rupert McDougall.

[Rupert McDougall]

Hello, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello. So wonderful to have you back.

[Rupert McDougall]

Not so wonderful to be back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, really, I have to say. What's going on? I'm trying to recall what we discussed on our last episode. You're a tourist. Where are you from exactly?

[Rupert McDougall]

From Bonnie Scotland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bonnie Scotland, of course. Is that a certain area of Scotland or. That's an adjective to describe.

[Rupert McDougall]

It's an adjective. And you know that. And you knew it last time, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, did I really?

[Rupert McDougall]

Me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And you are. But. But there was, if I recall correctly, there was some unusual detail about what part of Scotland, or at least when you were from. Is that right?

[Rupert McDougall]

That's right. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please expand. Don't just agree with me. I'd love to.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, I'm about to tell you my story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, let us tarry no further. Tell us that story right now.

[Rupert McDougall]

Absolutely. Of course, my story requires some backstory as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I mean, yes, everything requires backstory. I don't expect you to tell the story that's currently happening to you. Now, I'm sitting here in a chair. I'm talking in a microphone. Microphone. Everything is. Everything is backstory. Tell the. And please make it interesting and keep it short.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, Scott, I'd love to, but it's my life. Of course you'll remember that. I don't want to be here because I was accidentally sent through space time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Through some sort of a portal.

[Rupert McDougall]

Through a portal in Scotland from the 1700s.

[Scott Aukerman]

The 1700s. Not a specific year in the 1700s. Or.

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, now you want to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, did I not last time?

[Rupert McDougall]

1772.

[Scott Aukerman]

1772. So, so close to that wonderful date, 1770, which we, of course, are about to celebrate the 250th anniversary.

[Rupert McDougall]

What happened then?

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, this great nation, which we're going to be talking about today, Are we frayed at the hedges? We don't know, but we're going to be talking about it, but that was a mere two years away. The signing of the Declaration of Independence.

[Rupert McDougall]

I don't know about all that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, you're from Scotland.

[Rupert McDougall]

But of course I was sent here on the night that I was to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be wed. That's right. And you were a virgin.

[Rupert McDougall]

I can't remember if.

[Scott Aukerman]

So your body count was at the time 0. Are you currently 0.

[Rupert McDougall]

And? Well, wouldn't you like to know?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would like to know. Pervert.

[Rupert McDougall]

I am still at zero.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're still at zero. Okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

The reason. Well, it's an interesting story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

Of course, I was moments from having relations with my beautiful wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had gone through the wedding ceremony.

[Rupert McDougall]

You had gone through the wedding.

[Scott Aukerman]

You laid her down upon the wedding bed.

[Rupert McDougall]

Correct. And then I found that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was she properly undressed? Details, man. Give us the deets.

[Rupert McDougall]

You are lucky that you took my knife last time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. I mean to get that back to you at the end of today's show.

[Rupert McDougall]

Please give me my knife back.

[Scott Aukerman]

I may. I may.

[Rupert McDougall]

You son of a bitch. Well, yes, she was naked. I then as the day she was born. As the day she was born. My beautiful Deirdre. And then I got up to go use the loo.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is poor timing, I have to say.

[Rupert McDougall]

Fortunate timing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Rupert McDougall]

And. Well, it's a bit of a story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we're in the middle of it.

[Rupert McDougall]

Just continue. I accidentally on my way, stumbled upon a formation of rocks and stones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. This is before indoor plumbing. So you were outside of whatever sort of shelter.

[Rupert McDougall]

I have to say, indoor plumbing is disgusting. Having going to the bathroom in the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Room mere inches away from where you're, you know, working on your computer.

[Rupert McDougall]

Am I right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's gross.

[Rupert McDougall]

I'm working on my computer. Anyways.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what I said anyway. Go ahead.

[Rupert McDougall]

Of course I never made it back to my wife that night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, you stumbled into a portal. You found yourself in modern times. And how long ago was this?

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, it's a bit of a story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Rupert McDougall]

I of course found myself back in modern times. Had to figure out how to live here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. But meaning what? You needed to get like credit.

[Rupert McDougall]

I had to get a commercial agent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Because you're a very good looking man from the 1700s in Scotland. You're at the top of the food chain and you're just a young laird. Yeah, a young laird. And you look great. And so you got a commercial agent. You then. Have you done much work or.

[Rupert McDougall]

No callbacks yet?

[Scott Aukerman]

No callbacks.

[Rupert McDougall]

But of course I Was sent back to Scotland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, you were in between your last appearance.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's right.

[Duke Nukem]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so was she still naked?

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, yes. What had happened was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or had the equivalent amount of time.

[Rupert McDougall]

Passed that you had spent time not passing in Scotland? Time is moving here. I was returned to the exact, exact moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Did you go to the bathroom or. You didn't have to at this point.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, Scott, I did it again.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you. You stumbled into a different portal or.

[Rupert McDougall]

Same portal go to the bathroom.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You never. You never actually.

[Rupert McDougall]

So I'm back again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why not use a different area of the woods or whatever you were doing at the time? I did.

[Rupert McDougall]

There's a ton of portals. There's multiple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah. Well, I feel like an idiot, but now I know. I think a way to get back.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get back the first time?

[Rupert McDougall]

I. Well, have. I took a legree Pilates class.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

And the motion of the machines was so vigorous, Scott, that they sent me hurling through.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it vibrated so hard and so quickly. Much like the cosmic treadmill in the flash comet.

[Rupert McDougall]

Exactly. Much. Much like the cosmic treadmill.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. So it sent you. It sent you back in time. Were you able to steer yourself when you were hurdling through time? Were you able to sort of move your body into, like, oh, I want to go there. And your destination? Or was it purely a mental thing of, like, you pictured where you wanted to go. Like, maybe you pictured your. Your wife naked and you were like, you know, that's where it deposited you. How. How did you know? How did this transpire?

[Rupert McDougall]

I'm ready to tell you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, great.

[Rupert McDougall]

My story. Which is that. No, it just spit me right back.

[Duke Nukem]

It just spit you right back out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, I. Look, I have faith that you'll get back there, but are you having fun while you're out here?

[Rupert McDougall]

That's all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And no other naked women. I mean, you're a married man.

[Rupert McDougall]

I'm married, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, you know, what happens in the future stays in the future. You know, like that word is never going to get back to. What's her name? Deirdre.

[Rupert McDougall]

Deirdre, my beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. She'll never know. I would know, because maybe she'll. You'll be such a skilled lover when you go back that she'll be like, wait a minute. Where did. Where did she get all this experience?

[Rupert McDougall]

That's right. If I accidentally make Deirdre come, then she will know that I've not been, because no one.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one ever comes back in 1772. Was it or 74?

[Rupert McDougall]

70.

[Scott Aukerman]

72. 1772. Wow. All right, well, welcome to the show.

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, thank you for having me, Rupert.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I hope you get. And I hope you get some callbacks.

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, I'm desperate for a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we see a little bit of your process? Like, do you remember your last audition?

[Rupert McDougall]

You know, it's. I'm having trouble with Eileen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? That's the only trouble that seems so easy to fix.

[Rupert McDougall]

I'm just not getting it. I'm not understanding.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just in the audition process. Basically, you're just looking at the people who are.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, they're telling me the couch is a person. I don't think so, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Well, it's like playing pretend. Acting is just like playing pretend. Did you ever do that? I mean, I know life is hard back in 1772.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's right. People who play pretend in 1772 are witches, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Yes. Okay. You don't want to be one of those.

[Rupert McDougall]

Absolutely not.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, welcome back to the show. Wonderful to have you. Let's get to the rest of our panel. He is. He's an action hero of note. Please welcome to the show for the first time. Duke Nukem.

[Duke Nukem]

Hail to the king, baby. Damn, I'm looking good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Mr. Nukem. How are you?

[Duke Nukem]

Good to see you, Scott. Thanks for having me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So great to see you. You are. I've heard of you. I don't know that I have much more than a passing acquaintance of you. But you are an action hero. What does that entail?

[Duke Nukem]

I kick ass and I take names.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, how many names have you taken?

[Duke Nukem]

Several names. Mostly Duke Nukem. I only go by one name. Duke Nukem sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're taking your own name?

[Duke Nukem]

I take my own name. I've kicked my own ass, and I'll do it again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you're kicking.

[Duke Nukem]

I've been cloned before, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been cloned?

[Duke Nukem]

I've been cloned.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we're already jumping to you've been cloned.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, but it's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not.

[Duke Nukem]

It's not part of it. I just want to know something that's happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just want to know who you are.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm just telling you. Wouldn't you want to know right away if you were talking to somebody that's been cloned before?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I mean, I don't know anything about you, sir.

[Duke Nukem]

I've been cloned and I kicked my own ass. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you took your own name?

[Duke Nukem]

I took my own name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you don't have to take your own name if it's your own name. You know what I mean? Like, you know, when my wife got buried and she kept her own name, she didn't say, I'm taking my own name. She just kept it.

[Duke Nukem]

Do you think of marriage as combat? What are you talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of ways. Hey, the battle of the sexes, am I right, dude?

[Duke Nukem]

You're telling me, brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we have a panel of all dudes today, so that's. You know, this is. We can relax.

[Duke Nukem]

I just actually say for once in a while. Dudes rock, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Thanks, dude.

[Rupert McDougall]

Once in a while.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, for once in a while. Damn, I'm looking good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell me about yourself. You are, of course, you're a very muscular gentleman. You're wearing.

[Duke Nukem]

Thanks for noticing.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're much like Bowser, John Bowser Bauman of Shannon. One of the most muscular gentlemen I've ever seen.

[Duke Nukem]

Is he jacked?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's super jacked. He's always flexing his muscles and showing him off.

[Duke Nukem]

Don't you find?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Duke.

[Duke Nukem]

Don't you think it's kind of funny when people that don't need to be jacked or jacked.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know by all accounts, like, if you're in Sha Na Na, the singing and the dancing should be your main focus, but he's jacked as hell to.

[Duke Nukem]

Be like that and then to be like, you know what? I'm jacked, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

Kind of a funny type of guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is funny, but you need to be jacked because you're an action here. You're wearing a sort of bandolier.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, I wear a bandolier filled with bullets, and I just let those babies fly when I need to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are they attached to your. Because you have several guns here, by the way. I had to confiscate them.

[Duke Nukem]

Lots of guns.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll give them back to you at the end of the day. The next program you're on.

[Duke Nukem]

You sort of.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's our policy here.

[Duke Nukem]

Those. Sort of. Like when you're visiting a king in another kingdom or something, you have to return, you have to submit your weapons, and nothing untoward happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're talking about. But anyway, you are the. Are the. Are the bandoliers of bullets, Are they attached to the gun so that you never have to reload? You know what I mean? Or do you have to, like, take them off the bandolier and fit them into the gun? Do you know what I'm saying?

[Duke Nukem]

When I'm.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

When I'm saving the day, those things are. Have to be locked and loaded. Because I'm just letting them spray, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And what are you saving people from the world? From.

[Duke Nukem]

Often there will be some type of invasion of some kind. Some big bug. Some big nasty bug. Motherfucker.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see some sort of alien invasion with aliens.

[Duke Nukem]

Robots.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh huh.

[Duke Nukem]

End of list.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Duke Nukem]

Demons maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so.

[Duke Nukem]

But they're all kind of bug like. They're just big bugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So the robots are akin to bugs. The demons are akin to bugs.

[Duke Nukem]

All of its bugs to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And you, how does this occur? Because I don't hear much of this.

[Duke Nukem]

Day in my God damn. You don't hear about it because I'm so good at my job, Scott. You should be groveling at my feet, kissing my ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I don't want to do either of those things. I grovel at your ass and kiss your feet, but not the reverse.

[Duke Nukem]

Scotch A foot guy. Confirmed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, wait, you're taking, you're taking that down in your little list next to all the names that you.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, I wrote it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't tell the bugs.

[Duke Nukem]

Oh, the only thing I'm telling the bugs is bend over.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're fucking the bugs with my bullet gun. Oh, okay, I see. Yeah, metaphorically.

[Duke Nukem]

That's right. Yeah, they're getting up the ass with justice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well what's.

[Duke Nukem]

And I don't kick ass. Well, I don't fight. Hold on, wait, let me take that again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we don't do. You know, second.

[Duke Nukem]

Can I do a retake?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, life doesn't have second takes.

[Duke Nukem]

Damn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ask J. Kelly. He doesn't get to do. To do another one at the end of his big retrospective.

[Duke Nukem]

This isn't one of those contentious bar conversations that he had in the movie, is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think we might be in the middle one.

[Duke Nukem]

I have. Because I have no. I have no beef with you. I just want to get out that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we never took an accent class together where I stole your audition and your part. Right.

[Duke Nukem]

Which happens, I guess, all the time. No, we didn't. As far as I know, I've never taken an acting class because I don't need to act. I get babes doing whatever, what I do best. Oh, you get an ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your body count, my man?

[Duke Nukem]

My body count? 10,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

10,000? We're asking all the dudes on this panel.

[Duke Nukem]

You're asking all the dudes what their body count is?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hell yeah. That's why we have dudes on a podcast.

[Duke Nukem]

Dudes, for once in a while. Can I just say dudes once In a while. I'm running for the governor. For the what? I'm running to be the governor of California is what I wanted to do. Talk about, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Duke Nukem]

I thought I'd parlay my. My fame to. To a political career because I think I make this look good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And you. What is your platform, if you don't mind me asking?

[Duke Nukem]

My platform is if you try to step to anybody in California, I'll rip your head. I'll rip your head off.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on with you today?

[Duke Nukem]

I'm having. I'm just. I'm just nervous about being political because that's not something I normally do. But I'll rip your head off and I'll shit down your neck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And that. Yeah, at that point, I wouldn't care what you do with my neck if my head is off.

[Duke Nukem]

What about your back?

[Scott Aukerman]

My pussy and my crack, though. Don't do anything to them.

[Duke Nukem]

Don't worry.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what party are you running with?

[Duke Nukem]

I'm running for the Duke Nukem Party, baby, because I don't submit to any one party.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, independent. Well, libertarian.

[Duke Nukem]

Not libertarian. Anything but that. I'm just a Duke Nukem kind of guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. Well, good luck to you. I mean, how.

[Duke Nukem]

How far can I get you to vote for me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so.

[Duke Nukem]

Ah, come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, we need. We need someone.

[Duke Nukem]

Come on, Scott. But, yeah, can you just vote for me, please?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure, yeah, if it'll get you off my back, yeah, I'll vote for you.

[Duke Nukem]

It's either that here's your two options, and I know that one of these you're gonna do. You're either gonna vote for me or not vote at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

It'll probably be the latter. Honestly, I don't wanna hold my nose and vote for anyone, you know, I wanna vote for someone that I believe in. I'm not sure I believe in you, Nessie.

[Duke Nukem]

Hey, not yet. I think I can convince you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love. Well, when I hear what you have to say about the issues of the day, maybe that will convince me. So this is a perfect opportunity for you. Yes. You make this look good. All right, let's get to our next guest.

[Duke Nukem]

Hail to the king, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm assuming these are catchphrases in your thing. Okay, let's get to our next guest. This is their first time on the show. They're a local citizen. Please welcome to the show, Chris Thomas.

[Chris Thomas]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Rupert McDougall]

Is that door closed?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the one that leads into the studio. Yeah, it's closed. Yeah. Holy. Hi, Chris.

[Chris Thomas]

Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you okay? You're out of breath.

[Chris Thomas]

I just had to run to a nearby house for shelter. Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Chris Thomas]

For having me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to the show. What's your body count, my man?

[Chris Thomas]

What's my body count?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is cool.

[Chris Thomas]

It's a table of dudes, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

Thank God. This is a table of dudes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man. Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

I don't know what I'm encountering next door. I live next door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Duke Nukem]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're my next door neighbor.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, well, a couple doors down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. How many? Three.

[Chris Thomas]

Like kind of diagonal. I jumped a bush.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, That's. That should have been the band name. Three doors down, diagonal. I jumped a bush.

[Chris Thomas]

Oh, that's funny, man. That's funny, man. It's good to see you smile.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thanks, bro. Thanks, bro. What's going on with you? You had to leave the house?

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, I had to leave my house. I just moved in with my girlfriend, Quinn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love you. Oh, so you're a new neighbor? Oh, you're Quinn's boyfriend.

[Chris Thomas]

Yes, I finally moved in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I've met Quinn. Yes. So what. Why did you have to get out of the house?

[Chris Thomas]

I just needed a second. I don't know what's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, what's. What's going on? Are you in peril? Do you. You want me to. I'm just.

[Chris Thomas]

I'm just. Say something.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm scared.

[Chris Thomas]

I just don't want anybody to hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

You guys are chill, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

You big gun.

[Duke Nukem]

These guys are as hell, man.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah, I'm very chill.

[Chris Thomas]

All right.

[Rupert McDougall]

All right.

[Advertisement Voice]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Body count of zero. Body count of thousands. Okay, that feels perfect for this.

[Chris Thomas]

That feels perfect. Mike, my girlfriend's on her. On her period.

[Duke Nukem]

Oh, that's.

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, my goodness.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay, so listen to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

I've never seen what happened to her. Like what's happening today.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What is.

[Chris Thomas]

Something took my girl, my sweetheart, my honey bunches of oats, and it made her not so sky.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. So emotional change is what you're talking about, not the actual physical things going on.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay, well, that too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. I mean, it happens to. To everyone until a certain.

[Chris Thomas]

It happens to a lot of people.

[Scott Aukerman]

From a certain age. To a certain age.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah. But I just never seen her like this. She threw a vase in my head before I left.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What did you. I mean, I hate to ask you this as a. You know, and I hope I'm not violating bro code, but what did you do that to deserve that.

[Chris Thomas]

Oh, man. I. I turned up the TV by two notches.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that doesn't sound.

[Chris Thomas]

She went too loud. And they said, my head, they said.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your head, they said. That doesn't seem. That's. That the punishment doesn't fit the cry.

[Chris Thomas]

And it's my sweetie patootie. I love her so much. She would have never done this two days ago. And what's weird is she did this a month ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, so it's a. That's. The cycle usually is about once a month.

[Chris Thomas]

I know, but I can't keep up, man. I can't keep up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, this isn't like a.

[Chris Thomas]

This isn't like a. A thing I can prepare for. I just moved in with her. I don't understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, everyone's bodies are different, and. And sometimes it takes a little bit of understanding and maybe a little compassion and. I mean, what was it a problem?

[Chris Thomas]

That's what I want. I need your help today. I need compassion.

[Scott Aukerman]

You need the compassion. Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

I need compassion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

Because then she hit. She threw the vase at me, and I went, don't be a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Duke Nukem]

That's exactly what I would have said.

[Chris Thomas]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. We're all now high fiving. Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

Body count, too, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Too. Okay. Including Quinn.

[Chris Thomas]

Quinn, yeah. And my high school girlfriend.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, cool. Yeah, she's in high school now, or.

[Chris Thomas]

Oh, no, in high school, I fell in love.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see. Okay, gotcha.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, just wanted to clarify.

[Duke Nukem]

No, not everyone's like you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Duke, you don't know me other than I'm a foot guy. Confirmed.

[Chris Thomas]

That's awesome, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Chris Thomas]

But don't touch him unless she asks you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Is that. Is that all that happened? You just. Had you been asked not to turn up the TV too loud?

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, she was like, I have a headache. And then I turned up the TV a little loud because I just wanted to hear the fairly odd parents a little louder. Couldn't hear it in the back of the room, so I turned it up, and then boom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I think they're more than fairly odd. Do you agree on this?

[Chris Thomas]

Okay. Finally, a room I can talk freely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Advertisement Voice]

Who are those?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's how I tweaks freely. But yeah, I mean, they're just.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, they're freaky. It was just.

[Rupert McDougall]

I just.

[Chris Thomas]

I love her so much, and I just. I. I don't know what to do. So she was like, get out. And I went, well, at least you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did that and didn't yeah. You know, stay there and keep the TV loud or anything.

[Chris Thomas]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That.

[Chris Thomas]

That would have been a bad guy. Yeah, but I mean, my God, she ate every single thing in the fridge last night.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many things were in the fridge?

[Chris Thomas]

Three things.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were the three, if you don't mind me asking?

[Chris Thomas]

Gogurt. My favorite thing to have when I watch Fairly Odd Period.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

Her cashews. She puts them in the fridge for some reason.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Who's. Whose gogurt was it, by the way? My community cashews. Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

My gogurt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you buy it with your own money or it was.

[Chris Thomas]

No, she does the instacart once a month.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So it's both of your. Go get tomato.

[Chris Thomas]

Tomato. But was it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It wasn't tomato flavored go guard, was it?

[Chris Thomas]

Of course not. I'm not a freaking.

[Duke Nukem]

That's called ketchup, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's right. Oh, that's right. I forgot.

[Chris Thomas]

Anyway, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I said they're crossing out the word ketchup and saying tomato flavored gogurt.

[Duke Nukem]

Not all sauce is gogurt. Okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that your platform?

[Duke Nukem]

I'm trying to just bring awareness to this. It's one of the things I'm trying to get.

[Chris Thomas]

Would you say Aoli's goger?

[Duke Nukem]

I. I don't think aioli is gogurt, but we can. We could get there. I think we could. We could make it happen.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Duke Nukem]

This is the same place Gogurt Ranch is. Ranch. Ranch could be a little too runny to be gogurt. I think it's got to be a little. A specific.

[Scott Aukerman]

It has to have a consistent. Is yogurt gogurt?

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

Yogurt is gourd. Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

What about caramel?

[Duke Nukem]

Caramel Too thick to be gogurt. Almost concrete.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about concrete?

[Duke Nukem]

Concrete is gogurt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

Concrete. I'd say concrete is man gogurt.

[Duke Nukem]

Now that's what I'm talking.

[Chris Thomas]

Hey, this is so awesome to be in a room to speak freely with a bunch of men.

[Scott Aukerman]

It truly is. This is a safe space. But some of the issues.

[Duke Nukem]

I pee freely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, thank you. I said that maybe five minutes ago.

[Duke Nukem]

I think we were all just having a fun time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sure. This is a safe space. Of course we're going to be talking about the issues of the day. Are you guys prepared for this? Have you been studying up on the news lately? I mean, Rupert, I know this must be overwhelming for you.

[Rupert McDougall]

I don't have access to the news currently.

[Scott Aukerman]

What kind of access do you need? You don't Have.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, I don't have a credit card. Don't have a cell phone, so can't make any subscriptions to any streamers.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about People on the street as Freddie Mercury?

[Rupert McDougall]

I am getting my new.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, these. This is a relatively old song for us, but would be new to you.

[Rupert McDougall]

I've actually watched Beetlejuice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. It's not in Beetlejuice, but, I mean, great non sequitur, but, man, you can make him.

[Rupert McDougall]

No, I was just saying I've seen beetles.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you've seen Beetlejuice?

[Duke Nukem]

Was that the only movie so owned right now? Scott. Yeah, he's actually seen Beetlejuice.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Rupert McDougall]

You're asking me for news? That's my news.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's your news. Oh, okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

I do get my news, man on the street style.

[Chris Thomas]

Oh.

[Rupert McDougall]

I ask people.

[Scott Aukerman]

You ask people what's going on? Yeah.

[Rupert McDougall]

And they think I'm trying to. Gotcha, then. But really, I'm trying to just get some news.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you understand our. Here in the United States of America? Do you understand our system of government or.

[Rupert McDougall]

Not really, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Hey, do you. Not really.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's what I thought.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean? Awesome.

[Chris Thomas]

That's awesome. You guys are awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes I feel as if out there in Washington, D.C. that a couple hundred years ago, everything was fine. But then, like, lately, it just feels like the. You know, the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus was like. You know how it's a traveling circus and it. Like, they'll pull up stakes in one town and then move on to another town. Yeah, the food. The food stuff. Yeah. Oh, no. The stakes of their tents. The things that keep the tents from blowing away. You know, that's one thing about going to the circus is you're always like, is this circus? Is this tent gonna blow away?

[Duke Nukem]

I'm always really nervous about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm really nervous about it. And then the lions would just get away and everything, you know, and they're.

[Chris Thomas]

Like, holding that thing down with, like, rocks in the corner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I know, it's.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, it doesn't feel good.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's precarious. But in any case, my point being that the circus went to Washington and then all the clowns stayed behind.

[Duke Nukem]

Oh, my God.

[Rupert McDougall]

Okay. That's very funny, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's very funny.

[Rupert McDougall]

It feels really good to be with these men. Men.

[Chris Thomas]

I almost. Oh, that's also my favorite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Joy.

[Chris Thomas]

Watch fairly often.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

Let's touch tips. I'm down.

[Duke Nukem]

Let's touch tips.

[Rupert McDougall]

What does that mean? Knife stuff?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll give you your knife back. Don't worry. At the very end.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's what you keep saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, we do have to get to a break, though, before we get to the issues of the day. But when we come back from the break, we're going to be here with Duke Nukem, Chris Thomas, Rupert McDougall. We're going to be talking about the issues of the day. It is the CBB Roundtable. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Duke Nukem]

Bad Dates.

[Joel Kim Booster]

Hey, guys. Joel Kim Booster here with a very exciting announcement that I am the newest host of the podcast Bad Dates. I am so excited to be here and sharing all the wildest, most chaotic and iconic bad date stories with you. I'll be joined by friends like Peppermint, Scott Thompson, Casey Wilson, Ron Funches, and MJ Rodriguez, and we'll hear all about their most notorious bad dates. It'll make you laugh, cry, cringe, and maybe make you feel a little better about your own dating life. You don't want to miss it. Listen to Bad Dates by subscribing to SiriusXM Podcast plus on Apple Podcasts or listening wherever you get your podcasts.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay, I have to tell you, I was just looking on ebay where I go for all kinds of things I love.

[Scott Aukerman]

And there it was, that hologram trading card. One of the rarest. The last one I needed for my set. Shiny like the designer handbag of my dreams.

[Rupert McDougall]

One of a kind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ebay had it.

[Chris Thomas]

And now everyone's asking, ooh, where'd you.

[Duke Nukem]

Get your windshield wipers? Ebay has all the parts that fit my car. No more annoying, just beautiful.

[Chris Thomas]

Millions of finds, each with a story.

[Rupert McDougall]

EBay. Things people love. El Programa Nacional de becas Hace serde.

[Scott Aukerman]

McDonald's a beneficiado mas de dieeciete. Mil estudiantes con maziones de dolares esta.

[Chris Thomas]

Esma historia de generaciones de studiantes que podemos.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Here it is, the CBB Roundtable. We're joined by our esteemed panel of experts. We have Rupert McDougall here, tourist from Bonnie, Scotland, 1772. How long have you been here?

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, time is a bit confusing for me, as you could imagine.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was the same back when you were. I mean, it elapses at the exact same pace.

[Rupert McDougall]

Months happen. Yeah, exactly. Months happen. And I'm glad that you're very open. Excuse me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gump happens. It was a T shirt tie in because of the shit happens in Forrest Gump.

[Rupert McDougall]

Okay, so now people would wear a T shirt just because I mentioned Beetlejuice. Now I have to see all the movies?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, would it kill you to see Forrest Gump to know what we're talking about? He's sort of a Zelig type. Oh, don't. Don't worry about seeing that one.

[Duke Nukem]

What happened to the T shirt tie ins? We used to be a country.

[Scott Aukerman]

We used to be a society.

[Duke Nukem]

In.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway, how long have you been here?

[Rupert McDougall]

I've been here now for about seven months.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seven months. Okay. Yeah, great.

[Chris Thomas]

Have you booked a commercial?

[Rupert McDougall]

So, as I've said, absolutely not.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no callback. It doesn't mean you haven't booked one. They may have taken you straight to set.

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, I wish. Is that. Does that happen?

[Scott Aukerman]

It does occasionally. Yeah.

[Rupert McDougall]

And you know what I think? I think that they maybe have the wrong headshot or something, because I'm going in for things that are not right for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like what?

[Rupert McDougall]

Like, you know, mother of four. Maybe because of my hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, from behind. I mean, you are wearing those apple bottom jeans, too. So. And the boots with the fur as well. But I mean, that's just what people Wore back in 1772 when I wore the kilt.

[Rupert McDougall]

Then I kept getting mother rolls. Now I'm wearing apple bottom jeans. It's a problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it is.

[Rupert McDougall]

So what am I supposed to be wearing?

[Scott Aukerman]

What if you did sort of a Chris Hemsworth kind of like in. In between Thor movies where you cut all the hair off? I mean, you're very attractive, it's very long, but it's not necessarily the style of the day.

[Rupert McDougall]

Cut my hair. Wow, that reminds me of a story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. It's not the story of. Who's that dude whose hair was cut and he lost all Samson? That's right. Is that the one you were gonna tell? Fuck. Okay, you can tell it again if you want. Just keep it short and keep it very interesting.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's the kind of fun that we all would know the same biblical stories. Isn't that interesting?

[Scott Aukerman]

It really is.

[Rupert McDougall]

No matter what, we're not that different.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is what we're trying to establish here at the CBD roundtable. We also have Duke Nukem is here.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm offer only.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Have you done any commercials or.

[Duke Nukem]

No. The only offer I accept is kicking your ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're not going to kick my ass.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm not going to kick your ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Duke Nukem]

You're want me to.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're stumping for votes now. You can't afford to kick Anyone?

[Duke Nukem]

No. No. But if you don't vote for me, you better get well acquainted with my boot, motherfucker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You're running for governor? When is the election for governor?

[Duke Nukem]

I'm just getting out there now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sure.

[Duke Nukem]

Getting out there early. Who could say?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, who could say at this point.

[Duke Nukem]

If they even let you have another election in this goddamn state?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, that's getting a little too political for the roundtable, quite honestly. But we also have Chris Thomas, who's a local citizen now, lives down the street. How long have you lived with Quinn?

[Chris Thomas]

A month.

[Scott Aukerman]

A month?

[Chris Thomas]

Three weeks, to be exact.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three weeks. Okay, so those. The first three weeks.

[Chris Thomas]

Heaven on earth, Scott. Heaven on earth. And I don't know what monster took her. Took my sweet baby girl, but thank you for letting me stay here. I was scared during the break that I'd have.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not staying here. I mean, you're on the show, I hope. There's no expectation that you're going to be living here for the next.

[Chris Thomas]

Well, how long does this curse go for?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, it's a few days, maybe a week.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay, great. As long as you're cool with that, I'll be out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not cool with that. No.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're gonna have to find a plan B. And when I say plan B, I.

[Chris Thomas]

Mean, don't mention plan B too loud, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

We have so many vases in the house, she'll come in here and throw one at your face.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you have so many vases in that? She works as a florist, okay.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, Scott, she works as a florist.

[Scott Aukerman]

She brings her work home with her.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah. She's so smart and tries so hard at work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, it sounds like you, you have an appreciate. I, I. You know, this is the first time you've ever lived with.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's cohabitated, which. It's new to you. Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

And she was excited to do it. I was excited to do it. I didn't. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sure we all have. We all have our strange peccadilloes that, you know, I'm sure there's weird things about you that, that she would get annoyed about.

[Chris Thomas]

I just, I mean, I'm pretty consistent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Throughout the month consistently, like, I'm kind.

[Chris Thomas]

Of always gonna be myself and be Chris.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you can't help but be yourself, like, Right. And like, that's just the way you were raised. Yeah.

[Rupert McDougall]

And.

[Chris Thomas]

And the that's coming out of. Is always going to be the same yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

Piss and come.

[Chris Thomas]

Piss and come. Literally.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's not the same. It changes.

[Duke Nukem]

Stay the same.

[Chris Thomas]

Which one's gogurt? Piss or come?

[Duke Nukem]

Not piss. My. My. My piss is thick like gogurt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? Duke?

[Chris Thomas]

Disgusting, dude.

[Duke Nukem]

I don't drink any water.

[Scott Aukerman]

Duke.

[Duke Nukem]

I only drink monster energy drinks, brother.

[Rupert McDougall]

Now, Chris, to. To be clear, you were living with. With Quinn before getting married.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's changed in the last 250 years. 246 years.

[Rupert McDougall]

Because to me, I think it. I mean, I'm happy to be in the company of men finally. But yeah, it would have really been a dream for me to ever experience Deirdre's bleed. Because we never got there.

[Scott Aukerman]

You never get. What was she? I mean.

[Chris Thomas]

Oh my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is maybe an indelicate question, but she was naked right before you were snatched away by the portal. Was she? Did you see any evidence of her being.

[Rupert McDougall]

Scott, what the fuck?

[Chris Thomas]

I think he's asking a really important question. This is really gonna ask. I think you're here for a reason. So I can tell you to run.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did she ask to put down some towels or some kilts?

[Chris Thomas]

Oh, God.

[Rupert McDougall]

I guess.

[Chris Thomas]

God, I'm gonna barf.

[Duke Nukem]

Scott, that's disgusting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Chris and Duke, come on.

[Rupert McDougall]

I suppose I didn't even think about it. There. There was a third draped on the bed.

[Scott Aukerman]

That might have been for one.

[Rupert McDougall]

What's happening?

[Duke Nukem]

Do not go back to Scotland.

[Rupert McDougall]

So I shouldn't take another Legree Pilates class?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. I mean, have you gone back to that class?

[Rupert McDougall]

No, I've done. I've decided that next time I go, I'm going to be ready.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ready. You're going to fully excavate your bladder?

[Rupert McDougall]

Yes, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And that has not occurred yet?

[Rupert McDougall]

Not yet, no.

[Duke Nukem]

Piss. Fully, hard, ready to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

At this point, you've asked to leave the room twice. Was she not suspicious the second time?

[Rupert McDougall]

Blink of an eye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, sure, yeah. You ask to leave the room and then you're stumbling around for what, three minutes. Four minutes before you fall in the portal.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then you come back. Okay, so you've been gone four minutes, and then immediately you say, you know what? I have to take a piss. You just in her eyes did.

[Rupert McDougall]

And that's Dierdre, the most understanding beautiful woman with flaxen hair flowing down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Flowing down how far? How far? Down?

[Rupert McDougall]

To her ankles.

[Scott Aukerman]

To her ankles.

[Chris Thomas]

Holy shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

I'd never seen it down, but it is that long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Was that surprising to you?

[Rupert McDougall]

It was a bit surprising to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, yeah. Did you? I mean, you know they have scissors back then, right?

[Rupert McDougall]

Of course they have scissors.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had a look of confusion on your face, like, trying to figure out whether.

[Rupert McDougall]

I don't understand what you're getting that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying that.

[Rupert McDougall]

Are you saying something about my wife?

[Duke Nukem]

Whoa, whoa. You can't do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Duke Nukem]

Whoa. Okay, now the table has been reset.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you seen Bora? Just Beetlejuice.

[Rupert McDougall]

Okay, I've seen Bora. That's crazy.

[Duke Nukem]

That guy's crazy.

[Chris Thomas]

That guy is nuts. He's a good guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a good guy. He's a good guy.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, he's a guy.

[Chris Thomas]

He's a friend.

[Rupert McDougall]

Friend of the pod.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not. No, no, no, no. I would say not on either side of the street. Not wonderful to have him in our world.

[Duke Nukem]

That's very nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

We loved. We love that he's a human walking on this earth.

[Chris Thomas]

That's awesome. That's awesome. Be careful.

[Scott Aukerman]

But speaking of humans walking on this earth, we have established we live in a society, and this society is fractured right now. It seems to be one of the most precarious times in our nation's history where our country seems to be split down the middle. There's a divide in this country, and some people are on this side going like, hey, I think this. And then other people are on the other side saying, oh, you think that? Well, you know what I think is this other thing. And it's hard to know where to stand these days. And that's what the CBB Roundtable is all about. I'm gonna be asking some questions about the issues of the day, and we're gonna get just this random collection of people. We're gonna hear where they stand on these issues, and. And we'll come to a little bit of an understanding at the end of it, hopefully. All right, here we go. First question on the CBB Roundtable. Here we go. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? I'm gonna go to Rupert McDougall.

[Rupert McDougall]

It's horse. It's horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's horse.

[Rupert McDougall]

Then horse. And I miss my horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you had a horse?

[Rupert McDougall]

I had a horse. And I still.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you consider your horse to be your pet and not your, I guess, employee or. I just. People had different sort of expectations from their horses back 250 years ago, did they not?

[Rupert McDougall]

I suppose you're right. I guess he's less of a pet and more of a brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a vehicle.

[Duke Nukem]

Did you just say I called him a vehicle.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you were going the other Way you're going, brother.

[Rupert McDougall]

You, me, outside.

[Duke Nukem]

Hey, you don't want to make. You don't want to write any checks you can't cash, bro.

[Rupert McDougall]

I don't know. Because you keep stumbling through the line, so I don't.

[Duke Nukem]

I don't try to really act like this with people I just met.

[Rupert McDougall]

You seem to back down very quickly.

[Chris Thomas]

You get really tongue tied.

[Duke Nukem]

Well, I. You shouldn't bring a knife to a gunfight is all I'm saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, you don't have either. You don't have your guns. He doesn't have.

[Rupert McDougall]

I don't have.

[Duke Nukem]

I need my guns if I'm gonna fight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm not giving them back to you.

[Chris Thomas]

So we have guns and knives in the room?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we have them in the room, sure. This is good.

[Chris Thomas]

So we feel protected.

[Scott Aukerman]

I put them in the lock box.

[Chris Thomas]

Close the door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No, Queen's not coming. I mean, I. I don't know if Quinn's coming over, honestly, but just don't.

[Chris Thomas]

Let her in is what I'm asking. I'm asking for protection from all my guys here.

[Duke Nukem]

I got your back, brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not going to shoot my neighbor. I mean, you know.

[Rupert McDougall]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

For that reason.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, if Quinn just. It's an open door policy. I've never had to use any guns from the lockbox when anyone has walked through these doors. So. I don't mean to start today with Quinn.

[Chris Thomas]

I think we'd hear her coming. Cuz for some reason, once a month, her steps are louder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Duke Nukem]

Boom. Boom.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Rupert, Horse is your choice.

[Rupert McDougall]

Horse is my choice.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is your horse's name?

[Rupert McDougall]

Tilly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tilly.

[Chris Thomas]

Tilly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beautiful. And Tilly. How long have you had Tilly?

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, since I was a wee lad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

And we're bonded.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long do horses live?

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, my God, Scott, I swear to God.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a pretty anodyne question.

[Rupert McDougall]

What are you trying to say?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying that you've had your horse a long time. I'm gonna. How long do horses live? 25 to 30 years. How old are you?

[Rupert McDougall]

Right? I'm 20.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're 20. Okay. So you know, it has a good amount of time left.

[Chris Thomas]

That's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

And time is not elapsing there. I mean, look, he's the same age.

[Rupert McDougall]

I'll return you. He'll be in the same Deirdre.

[Scott Aukerman]

And your horse and everyone you ever knew are dead at this point.

[Rupert McDougall]

Stop saying that. You said it last time, too, and it's so hurtful.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying. But if You. You can get back to the portal. Then it's like they're still alive.

[Rupert McDougall]

Alive and well. And I'm the laird of my castle, so, I mean, they're waiting for me to make some decisions.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you fell into another portal or took another class, would you want to maybe visit somewhere else? Like go back and see Judas and yell Bob Dylan at him?

[Chris Thomas]

I suppose.

[Rupert McDougall]

I suppose I'd like to see Egypt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Egypt?

[Rupert McDougall]

Ancient Egypt.

[Scott Aukerman]

You could. I mean, you could go now, because.

[Rupert McDougall]

That'S really all you want to see about. Because that's. I don't. Those are the things I knew about.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, like King Tut or. You didn't know about King Tut. He was just discovered in the 70s.

[Rupert McDougall]

Cleopatra.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cleopatra.

[Rupert McDougall]

Because she was word of mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

That old meal for asps herself.

[Duke Nukem]

I'll make a meal out of ass.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, Duke.

[Duke Nukem]

Damn.

[Rupert McDougall]

Did you say damn? At your own line.

[Duke Nukem]

Hell, yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

Because you didn't stutter.

[Duke Nukem]

Keep it short. Can't mess it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe Rupert, maybe you do a one for me, one for them kind of situation with your portals going back and like, you know, go back.

[Duke Nukem]

Easy rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. You're just saying Scorsese rules, right?

[Duke Nukem]

I love him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but, you know, go back. Go back to ancient Egypt once, then go back to Deirdre. I want.

[Rupert McDougall]

I need to first just go to Deirdre and finish even a conversation. Because, of course, we'd not spoken before the wedding.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'd not spoken. Oh, really? So you've never even spoken to her yet other than telling her you need to take a piss twice?

[Rupert McDougall]

Exactly. I can't be alone in a room with her before we get married. So, of course, this was our first night together.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you were in the middle of small talk at this point.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, I mean, what was the conversation like? Where did it. Where had it led?

[Rupert McDougall]

They're taking a lot of interest in Diedre.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, look, I'm just saying, if I ever stumble through a portal and find myself.

[Rupert McDougall]

Do what, Scott? I'll kill you.

[Scott Aukerman]

With what? I have your fucking knife.

[Rupert McDougall]

Give me my knife. Give me my knife.

[Chris Thomas]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Rupert McDougall]

Also, Duke, you mentioned Scorsese, but I'm wondering, do you. Maybe you're a Verhoeven fan because of all the bugs?

[Duke Nukem]

I hate those bugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Verhoeven wasn't a fan of the bug. He was a fan of killing the bugs.

[Rupert McDougall]

No, the bugs had empathy in the end. I've seen Starship Troopers and Beetlejuice.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Borat.

[Rupert McDougall]

And Borat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are the three. Or you've seen more.

[Rupert McDougall]

Those are.

[Duke Nukem]

Those are the three we need. You get one more for your letterboxd top four.

[Rupert McDougall]

I'm terrified they're gonna ask me. I don't have a.

[Duke Nukem]

You gotta see one more movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why you haven't signed up for letterboxd yet. In addition to not having a phone.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

You need a phone?

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah, I need a phone.

[Duke Nukem]

You gotta get a phone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

It's gonna be helpful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where are you living now?

[Rupert McDougall]

I'm living actually with a few guys in the Valley.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, cool.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah, they're all actors that are trained.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it. Wait, is this the cast of the Valley?

[Rupert McDougall]

It's the cast of the Valley.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Chris Thomas]

How'd you find them?

[Rupert McDougall]

They found me, honestly, on Hollywood Boulevard.

[Scott Aukerman]

They traveled all the way over the hill to Hollywood Boulevard.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, they were totally confused, so they came up to the first person they saw and then one thing led to another. Actually, it's quite a funny story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, go ahead and tell it. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[Rupert McDougall]

But I'm about to tell my story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

As to how I got involved with the. The cast of the Valley.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? I'm ready to listen.

[Rupert McDougall]

It all started pretty much before right now, when I'm telling the story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, everything in your life occurred before this moment. I get it.

[Rupert McDougall]

I had been on Hollywood Boulevard trying to figure out because of course I had gone to Labubu thinking that was going to send me back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, because. Because the name Labubu just isn't.

[Rupert McDougall]

Sounded like a sorcerer.

[Duke Nukem]

Right. Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

You went to the item.

[Rupert McDougall]

You went to the item.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get one?

[Rupert McDougall]

I did purchase one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good. Yeah, those are hard to buy.

[Duke Nukem]

Bring La Boo. I'm summoning an audience with Labubu.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then it just turned out to be a kind of weird looking doll.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but. But fun and cute.

[Duke Nukem]

I can see how that could be confusing though, because he does. He looks mystical. He looks like he knows magic.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they're never going to depreciate in value like Beanie Baby.

[Rupert McDougall]

And there's so many people in line to. To seek audience with him. I thought for sure he grant me a wish.

[Chris Thomas]

I mean, sometimes things that are fun and cute could have power.

[Scott Aukerman]

True. Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

So as you were saying your story.

[Rupert McDougall]

And then basically the cast of the Valley found me and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good story. All right, well, great. Let's move on to Duke Nukem. Duke, you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?

[Duke Nukem]

I don't really deal with animals, Scott. But if I did deal with one, I'd want one that could speak English.

[Chris Thomas]

Jesus.

[Duke Nukem]

Not in a bad way. I just want to be able to talk to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just.

[Duke Nukem]

Cuz that's the language I speak, right? I. If it spoke. You know what? Fine. If it spoke another language, I would try to learn the language so we could communicate.

[Scott Aukerman]

You could like duolingo or something like that. Dua Lipa. Yep. You could do either of those. New rules.

[Chris Thomas]

I love Dua Lipa. She's beautiful, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's beautiful.

[Duke Nukem]

She's gorgeous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stunning.

[Duke Nukem]

I'd want. I just want maybe just like a big monkey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, that's maybe the closest to. I mean, dolphins are probably the closest to what could learn English, but they.

[Duke Nukem]

Can'T walk around or wear clothes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Rupert McDougall]

Can you swim, Duke?

[Duke Nukem]

I can swim. I can do anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

How. How. How many laps could you swim? Three.

[Rupert McDougall]

Do you swim?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not a lot.

[Chris Thomas]

Do you swim with your guns?

[Duke Nukem]

I. Well, that's the issue. I don't take off my clothes. I'm wearing my boots. My bandoliers are really heavy, Scott. Yeah, and also I'm just. I'm really dense. I haven't taken a. In 40 days.

[Scott Aukerman]

40 days? How many nights?

[Duke Nukem]

40.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Duke Nukem]

Well, I gotta go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So a big monkey.

[Duke Nukem]

Big monkey.

[Scott Aukerman]

How big we talking? What.

[Duke Nukem]

What's big for a monkey?

[Scott Aukerman]

4Ft tall?

[Chris Thomas]

I mean, what is big for a monkey?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, are gorillas monkeys?

[Duke Nukem]

Gorillas? Well, gorillas are. Well, yeah, I guess they are monkeys. I guess a big gorilla. A King Kong size would be good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, that's really big.

[Duke Nukem]

That's really, really big.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's Godzilla size.

[Duke Nukem]

If Godzilla. That's the thing. If Godzilla comes around, the two of us together, no problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think the big monkey would have the majority of the responsibility.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm telling it what to do, though. I'm kind of making all the. The plans and stuff and maybe I'm. I'm training the big monkey to fight, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'm worried. I'm worried the. The big monkey would like tear your dick off. That's a.

[Duke Nukem]

That's. You think I'm gonna ask it to jack me off or something?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, come to think of it, I never started hearing about monkeys tearing people's dicks off until a few years back. Yeah, maybe it's. No one had ever asked it to jerk them off before.

[Duke Nukem]

Let me just tell you right now. I'm gonna just put you at ease, brother. It's not going to be my first request.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, all right. It's great to talk to dudes.

[Chris Thomas]

It's good I've always wondered if I could tell a monkey to jack me off. And it's so nice to just be in a room that's safe and talk about, like, could we do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would ask it. I wouldn't tell it to. Just to see if that. You're.

[Chris Thomas]

You're so right, Scott. And that was so wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Chris Thomas, let's turn to you. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?

[Chris Thomas]

I think whatever animal you want, Scott. Whatever I want or whatever the room wants. I just. I'm. I'm easy going.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, this is. Look, this is the round table. You. This is.

[Chris Thomas]

I don't want to say anything that'll make anybody kick me.

[Rupert McDougall]

Chris, you're shaking.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, it's just. She just texted me.

[Scott Aukerman]

She texted you? Yes. What's up with Quinn? You're shaking like a dang leaf.

[Chris Thomas]

So, Queen, just text me.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on with Queen?

[Chris Thomas]

She said, get back here, you fat hog.

[Duke Nukem]

Where I come from, that's a compliment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where's that? Where do you come from again?

[Duke Nukem]

My world.

[Rupert McDougall]

Okay. Again, not quite sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I haven't really nailed down your details.

[Chris Thomas]

I think you got to take a shit really bad, dude. I think it's messing with your brain.

[Duke Nukem]

It's filling in my.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mind going to Chris Thomas's house to do this, though?

[Duke Nukem]

Because you don't want me shitting in your house, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I mean, you haven't done it in 40 days. I'm worried that, like, you think I'm.

[Duke Nukem]

Gonna make a big island of me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm worried it's gonna be nine tenths scale to you. No. Shaped like you, Duke.

[Chris Thomas]

You sound like a hard ass, but do not go into my bathroom. Something is going on in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on?

[Duke Nukem]

I bet you I could calm her down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really, Duke? You think you'd calm Quinn down?

[Duke Nukem]

I think I could do it.

[Chris Thomas]

What do I say to this text?

[Scott Aukerman]

She said, get back here, you fat hog. Yeah. Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

Is she with, like, a bunch of heart emojis? I can't read her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Are you sure it says, get back here, you fat hog, or it doesn't say, get back here with your fat hog?

[Duke Nukem]

That's what I was thinking.

[Rupert McDougall]

Maybe.

[Chris Thomas]

Maybe that's what it says. I can't think scene straight. I'm shaking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but I think you also need glasses because you're holding your phone really far away from your head right now.

[Chris Thomas]

I don't want to look like a nerd.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you might be Farsight.

[Duke Nukem]

The text on your phone also is gigantic, by the way.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, I put it in old people mode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Are you vain? Is that why you don't want to wear glasses? Or you don't have money to go to it?

[Chris Thomas]

A little bit of the mix the two. I don't want to look. I feel like I can't pull them off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, I feel like I don't have the shape for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, can you think of a celebrity with glasses that you say, like, oh, those look really good, Liz Lemon. I mean, you have kind of a lizard. That's a girl. So flair about you in a way.

[Chris Thomas]

That'S crazy to say in a room full of dudes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But, I mean, I. I can't think.

[Chris Thomas]

Of a guy with glasses that I feel like I can look like.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Anderson Cooper.

[Chris Thomas]

Well, he's gay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Glasses aren't necessarily specific to, like.

[Chris Thomas]

Duke, would you wear glasses?

[Duke Nukem]

Glasses are gay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're wearing glasses right now. They're sunglasses.

[Duke Nukem]

They're sunglasses. There's nothing wrong with not wanting wrinkles, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So what does the text actually say, Duke?

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, it says, get back here with your big, fat hog.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay, so now here's the thing, I guess, okay, I should maybe get glasses because now she's horny. I don't get it. Yeah, and what a waste, because I never.

[Rupert McDougall]

You'll have to go back. You have to go back.

[Chris Thomas]

What a waste, though.

[Duke Nukem]

Should we. Should we craft a text?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what do you mean, what a.

[Chris Thomas]

Waste of her horny feeling? Yeah, because I ain't getting near that, Scott.

[Duke Nukem]

I wouldn't go anywhere near that, brother.

[Chris Thomas]

What would you say back to this.

[Duke Nukem]

This new phone? Who this dude?

[Chris Thomas]

She'd come in here with a cannon.

[Scott Aukerman]

She kill. She know where you're at, by the way.

[Chris Thomas]

She's got my location.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you shared location. Never do that in a relationship.

[Duke Nukem]

Never do that.

[Chris Thomas]

Really? I had nothing to hide. I love Quinn.

[Rupert McDougall]

Okay, Chris, be brave. We're all here where men will defend you. I won't hurt the woman, but I will yell.

[Chris Thomas]

That's my problem, is I don't want to hurt her because deep down, that's somebody I love.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's beautiful.

[Chris Thomas]

But, like, some curse took her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, the.

[Rupert McDougall]

The vase is bad, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the vase thing is bad. I would ask her maybe not to bring her work home with her.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, a lot of. A lot of empty vases sitting around. That's just a recipe for disaster.

[Duke Nukem]

Well, it's good to have a work life balance, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Chris Thomas]

Well, I'm using them now for cereal and stuff, and it's a blast.

[Scott Aukerman]

For cereal. Wow.

[Duke Nukem]

Tall cereal. Interesting.

[Chris Thomas]

Tall and wide.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

It's nice. I'm an easy person to live with, so I. I'm not gonna say you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think you're an easy person to live with, but you. You seem inconsiderate. You seem to not be receptive to your girlfriend's needs.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is just a bro talking to a bro, and.

[Chris Thomas]

And I feel safe. I'm good at bro talk. Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

But sometimes as bros, we need to level with each other and say bro. So, okay, you need to step up and be a man and not just a bro.

[Chris Thomas]

So what would you do in my shoes?

[Scott Aukerman]

In your shoes?

[Chris Thomas]

Because I don't know if I'm being inconsiderate. I went, baby, baby, what do you need?

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you need?

[Chris Thomas]

Wait, wait. Why are you making those sounds?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, when I hear.

[Chris Thomas]

Why do you look like that? Why is your hair like that?

[Scott Aukerman]

When I hear. Don't turn the TV up too loud.

[Chris Thomas]

You don't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wouldn't turn. I would turn the TV off and say, you know what? Any volume is going to be too loud for her at this point. Let me. Let me just go find a quiet activity because she needs. You know, she's having some issues here, it sounds like.

[Chris Thomas]

I know, but those issues to me are a threat to my family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your family? What?

[Chris Thomas]

Me and Quinn's life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. You consider her to be your family? She's my family.

[Chris Thomas]

We just moved in.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long have you been dating?

[Rupert McDougall]

That's beautiful.

[Chris Thomas]

Thank you so much. Two months. Okay, so after a month, you moved.

[Scott Aukerman]

In after a month. Okay. And you think this is the one?

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, because you're the question. We both want to get a reptile in the house. Oh, so I love a lizard.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lizard.

[Duke Nukem]

The one thing you got to know about reptiles. You're gonna have to buy a lot of bugs. And I hate bugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you prepared to buy all these bugs?

[Chris Thomas]

I'm prepared to do anything that helps her. Scott, I'm really not a bad guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know that you're able to just focus on your relationship with your partner, let alone another defenseless animal that you'll be in charge with.

[Chris Thomas]

Well, I'm sorry if my. If my partner is not going to be consistent and just change into some kind of scary witch.

[Rupert McDougall]

Witch? If it's a witch, are we sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

She'S not an actual witch?

[Rupert McDougall]

If she's an actual witch, then we've got to deal with it immediately.

[Duke Nukem]

We got to go to Labubu.

[Rupert McDougall]

We have to go to. I'll go back to Labubu, give it another shot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you. You have a Labubu. You bought a Labubu? Maybe.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, I like my Labubu.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Duke Nukem]

It's big into energy.

[Rupert McDougall]

Is it?

[Chris Thomas]

I can, like, get it near her or something. Or maybe I can make her go to one of those Pilates classes. Glasses and send her in.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. You want to send her into the portal to be with Deirdre?

[Chris Thomas]

I want to send that monster into the portal, not my gorgeous, beautiful.

[Rupert McDougall]

Also.

[Duke Nukem]

So we're all just gonna let that one slide, but attack me. Interesting.

[Rupert McDougall]

And Duke, I think I started to understand like when you said right now you hate bugs. So you're. You're, you're talking about bug sized bugs.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm talking about. Well, no, the bugs that I deal with usually man sized bugs, but the.

[Rupert McDougall]

Bugs you feed an insect aren't bug sized bugs.

[Duke Nukem]

Any bug, a small bug has the potential to become a big bug, and I'm not going to let it happen.

[Rupert McDougall]

That makes sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, I think we, we come down on this at horse, big monkey and lizard.

[Duke Nukem]

That's right.

[Chris Thomas]

Or anything my family wants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right, well, you know what I mean, we've got come up on the other side of a break here, but I think we, I think we got, you know, we're warming up at this point. You know, I think, I think, I think we got to, you know, some of the issues of the day, but I, I think we can go deeper in our next segment. So are you guys prepared for that?

[Rupert McDougall]

Absolutely.

[Duke Nukem]

Hail to the king, baby.

[Chris Thomas]

I feel safe and ready with this group.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, fantastic. We're going to take a break. We're going to be back here with Rupert McDougall, Duke Nukem, Chris Thomas. The CBB Roundtable will continue right after this.

[Joel Kim Booster]

Hey, guys. Joel Kim Booster here with a very exciting announcement that I am the newest host of the podcast Bad Dates. I am so excited to be here and sharing all the wildest, most chaotic and iconic bad date stories with you. I'll be joined by friends like Peppermint Scott Thompson, Casey Wilson, Ron Funches and MJ Rodriguez. And we'll hear all about their most notorious bad dates. It'll make you laugh, cry, cringe, and maybe make you feel a little better about your own dating life. You don't want to miss it. Listen to Bad Dates by subscribing to Sirius XM Podcast plus on Apple Podcasts or listening wherever you get your podcasts bad dates.

[Rupert McDougall]

El programa Nacional de Vegas a ser.

[Chris Thomas]

De McDonald's a beneficiado mas de vieiciente miles con maz Trentai.

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[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy bang bang. The Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable. We're in the middle of it. We have started and we are continuing apace. We're talking about the issues of the day. We're talking about what's on people's mind. You know, in this society, sometimes our news sources are. They can be imprecise. They can be feeding us things that we don't know whether they're true or not. Sometimes we'll see something in the news and we'll be like, huh? I mean, I, I didn't know that was a thing. And then you look it up and go like, oh, it wasn't a thing. That news source was just, you know, feeding me a load of bs. If I can be a little, A little out there. But. And then sometimes you'll see something on the news and you'll say like, that is definitely not a thing. And you look it up and it is a thing. And you're like, oh, wow. So I actually did just learn something on the news because we're gonna try to cut through all of that right now and just get to what is going on. We're of course joined by. I'll go counterclockwise now. Chris Thomas over here, local citizen, neighbor of mine.

[Chris Thomas]

Glad to be here, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

For the moment at least.

[Chris Thomas]

No, I'm sticking it out.

[Rupert McDougall]

I'm sticking it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think you are? Okay, great. We have Duke Nukem here.

[Duke Nukem]

People keep asking me if I'm back and I've Never really had an answer, but, yeah, I'm thinking I'm back.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's John Wick.

[Duke Nukem]

It's mine now.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't just take.

[Duke Nukem]

I take everybody's thing. Hail to the king. That's ash from the Evil Dead. The other ones I've done are somebody else's too.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now you're just gonna take John Wick's thing?

[Duke Nukem]

I'll take your thing, too, Scott. What was the thing you said in the beginning?

[Scott Aukerman]

The catchphrase? Yeah, I said something about champagne for my real friends. Real pain from years of childhood neglect.

[Duke Nukem]

That's mine now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right.

[Rupert McDougall]

Do you ever say my wife?

[Duke Nukem]

My wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, That's Borat. You can't take Bora.

[Duke Nukem]

That's right. You know what? And I don't want anybody to get confused. I'm happily single. 10,000 and counting and counting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Duke Nukem]

I haven't stopped wanting to have sex, if you can believe it.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you haven't taken a in 40 days.

[Duke Nukem]

Don't mean I can't smash, brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm worried that if I respect that. Were you to smash, just suddenly, a torrent of shit would come out of your anus.

[Chris Thomas]

A torrent.

[Scott Aukerman]

And no woman wants or whatever you're into Duke, I'll do it all. You'll do it? Oh, you're Pan?

[Duke Nukem]

I'm Duke Nukem's pan, baby. Hail to the king and queen and them.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're thinking you're back.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm thinking I'm back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. We also have Rupert McDougall, of course.

[Rupert McDougall]

Your service.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. And we're gonna get back to the issues of the day. This is, of course, the CBB roundtable. And let's do it. All right, here we go. Would you rather explore outer space or the bottom of the ocean? We're gonna go counterclockwise. Chris Thomas.

[Chris Thomas]

Well, Scott, whenever you feel comfortable doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you so. Why do you just.

[Chris Thomas]

I'm on edge. What can I say?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on here? I mean, I'm on edge. I.

[Chris Thomas]

To say something that you'll disagree with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? You don't live here. You're only spending another maybe 20, 25 minutes here in my place before I kick you out.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay, fine. I want to see the ocean's floor.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to see the very floor of the ocean.

[Chris Thomas]

Is that cool with you?

[Scott Aukerman]

The briny depths?

[Chris Thomas]

Like, what is it? Does it look like floor?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, in a way, like a dirt floor.

[Duke Nukem]

What kind of floor? Yeah, dirt. Not wood or carpet or anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Like a little. Little House on the Prairie floor.

[Chris Thomas]

Like, how do we know that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That.

[Chris Thomas]

Do you know that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, they have. I mean, they've. There's cameras. Jacques Cousteau famously filmed under the floor of it. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, also, when you go to the beach, it just looks like the beach. It's the beach.

[Chris Thomas]

So the floor of the ocean is sand?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. It's wet dirt.

[Chris Thomas]

No way.

[Scott Aukerman]

And wet dirt don't wet hurt.

[Chris Thomas]

God, it feels good to be with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really does. This is what dudes do.

[Chris Thomas]

That rhymed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The. The floor of the ocean. So you want to see it, though? You want. What about all the creatures underneath the ocean?

[Chris Thomas]

God, yeah. I mean, that's kind of cool. I'm a scaredy cat. I'm a little scared of. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You ever. You ever touch a fish?

[Chris Thomas]

No, I've only touched it in aquarium.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, tapped on it?

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tapped on the glass?

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

They say not to do that.

[Chris Thomas]

I know. And I got in trouble and I stopped.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do they say not to do that? They don't know what fish think they're like. Oh, the fish.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah. Maybe they, like, they don't know. We don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. They meant they might love it.

[Chris Thomas]

Maybe they're just telling us not to touch it because they don't want to clean it. Because they don' Fingerprints on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What it is.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, it's country, man.

[Duke Nukem]

Get me. Don't even get me started.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's what we're here to do, is get you all started.

[Duke Nukem]

Call me. Stop me. Somebody stop me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're taking that now? That's a.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's actually. Guess. Guess what? I have seen the mass, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, you saw the. Okay, it's the.

[Rupert McDougall]

And that's the mass.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's your top four?

[Rupert McDougall]

Those are my top four.

[Chris Thomas]

On letterbox.

[Rupert McDougall]

It's on letterbox. Beetlejuice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's rank them.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Well, Beetlejuice, Borat, the Two Bees.

[Rupert McDougall]

The Mask is number one.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Mask and Forrest Gump. Not Forrest Gump. What was it?

[Duke Nukem]

Oh, a Starship Trooper. Those fucking bugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's rank them.

[Rupert McDougall]

The Mask. Starship Troopers. Okay, Borat, Beetlejuice.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Beetlejuice down at the bottom.

[Rupert McDougall]

It's only out of four, so. Okay, still put it pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you liked it? Or did you not care for it?

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, I loved it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And. And you'd never seen a movie before? There weren't even really flip books. Lumiere hadn't.

[Rupert McDougall]

I was screaming, beginning, middle, and end. The Whole time screaming, what is this? What is this? Over and over.

[Duke Nukem]

You should have started with that train that comes at the screen. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did really get a bizarre. Yeah. To get a big screen.

[Rupert McDougall]

I almost got kicked out of Idiots.

[Chris Thomas]

This is a video. Did you go with the cast of the Valley?

[Rupert McDougall]

I did. I did. I did.

[Duke Nukem]

So they left the Valley and made it all the way to Island Park.

[Rupert McDougall]

I didn't know what it was or what.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not sure.

[Duke Nukem]

What are you doing here?

[Chris Thomas]

No, you're taking sketch now.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't take sketch sketches. What are you gonna take? Isn't that special? Or pump you up.

[Rupert McDougall]

It's okay.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm trying to think of one I like.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's okay. Take your time. You can do it. We believe in you.

[Duke Nukem]

What was that Pete Davidson guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Jesus. The one who just kind of went, huh?

[Duke Nukem]

Or, oh, yeah, huh.

[Chris Thomas]

Glad we waited for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, that's what dudes do, though. They support each other.

[Duke Nukem]

Dudes let each other wait.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And, Duke, since we've been waiting for your answer, even though I haven't posed the question to you, would you rather explore outer space or the bottom of the ocean?

[Duke Nukem]

Well, if you can believe it, I've been to outer space because that's where all the bugs come from. So I'm starting my extermination all the way up there.

[Scott Aukerman]

You took the fight to them?

[Duke Nukem]

I took the fight to them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Duke Nukem]

Welcome to Earth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can't take that either. Are they from a certain planet or a collection of planets?

[Duke Nukem]

They're sort of from all over. They're kind of just popping up all over the place.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's any bugs everywhere.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm trying to get tents up there, but I'm worried that they're gonna blow away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So you can put the fumigation inside the tent.

[Duke Nukem]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it.

[Duke Nukem]

But I kind of think the ocean seems kind of. Yeah, you. So you followed my train of logic there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

Are you satisfied with that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm satisfied. No further questions. But you think the ocean is cool?

[Duke Nukem]

The ocean does seem pretty cool, but I don't know if there are any bugs down there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shrimp.

[Rupert McDougall]

Bugs, yes.

[Chris Thomas]

Shrimp's a bug.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm. They're. They're bug, like, in the sense of they're annoying.

[Duke Nukem]

You're annoyed by shrimp. You don't like it when they try to throw it in your mouth when you're at a restaurant.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I'm more annoyed at the chefs. You're right.

[Duke Nukem]

You're right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I came here to have a nice meal. Yeah. With My family and my extended family. And you don't need to be throwing these shrimp.

[Duke Nukem]

And some strangers. There's going to be some strangers.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I want a nice. A nice just dinner against a counter.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

While I watch the person cook. I don't need him throwing food.

[Duke Nukem]

Let him cook, you say?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. And I want to see that big onion volcano. That's fine by me.

[Duke Nukem]

That's good.

[Chris Thomas]

Or the rice heart.

[Scott Aukerman]

The rice heart.

[Chris Thomas]

Quinn loves the rice heart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

What about when they try to squeeze the ketchup at you and you get all scared?

[Chris Thomas]

That's my bedroom right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mean the red gogurt? No.

[Duke Nukem]

Scott. Scott, we gotta get you in a gogurt class or something.

[Rupert McDougall]

Is period blood gogurt?

[Duke Nukem]

Period blood is gogurt.

[Chris Thomas]

It's the devil, Duke.

[Scott Aukerman]

So the bottom of the ocean is what you're sticking with, or.

[Duke Nukem]

I think I got to get down there, see what is and isn't bugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

Oh, look at that.

[Scott Aukerman]

My screensaver on my TV right now. Where? It's at the bottom of the ocean.

[Duke Nukem]

It's a live feed, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Chris Thomas]

Are they live streaming this?

[Rupert McDougall]

I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. And all we see are just, like, starfish at the bottom.

[Duke Nukem]

Is that all I was about to say. Where are all the fish?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

What's going on?

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe the starfish ate all the fish. Maybe they're killer starfish.

[Duke Nukem]

This is the real Ocean Gate. Where are all the fish?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

Where's the Benihana?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. All right, let's Turn to Rupert McDougall if what? What would you rather explore? Outer space or the bottom of the ocean?

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, first I have to ask, do all you men know how to swim?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have taken lessons, and I'm here to tell you that I am okay at it.

[Rupert McDougall]

Okay, Chris.

[Chris Thomas]

I actually did a brief stint as a swim instructor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? Yeah. And so you can swim? You didn't answer the question.

[Chris Thomas]

I taught kids how to swim, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can swim, though.

[Chris Thomas]

And I've taught kids.

[Rupert McDougall]

Chris, are you okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

She texted you again. What's good? What'd she say?

[Chris Thomas]

I can't read it. I don't have my glasses.

[Scott Aukerman]

I need glasses. You do need glasses.

[Chris Thomas]

And I need the state troopers.

[Duke Nukem]

Not the starship troopers, though, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do you want to. Duke, do you want to read this text, please, for Chris over here? This is from Quinn. You know, though.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there a certain, like, sound that you put on your phone?

[Chris Thomas]

Well, I'm gonna change it to.

[Rupert McDougall]

Once.

[Chris Thomas]

A month, and the other time it'll be like, my sweet baby's calling me.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the Empire theme from Empire Strikes Back, by the way, Rupert don't know.

[Rupert McDougall]

What you're talking about.

[Chris Thomas]

All right, we hit the top four.

[Duke Nukem]

This text, you really do need glasses. It says parentheses. I'm horny.

[Chris Thomas]

Oh, no, Rupert. You can go have your way with that demon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rupert.

[Chris Thomas]

Rupert.

[Rupert McDougall]

Use me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rupert. You can both solve each other's problems.

[Chris Thomas]

Literally. Listen, maybe because it's a monster, right? It's not Quinn. It's not my baby. You can get some practice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you can get in there and smash.

[Chris Thomas]

And then it'll probably send you back to your portal.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll do it so fast, you'll come so quickly because you've never had sex before. It'll send you Korean.

[Duke Nukem]

Take you at least one hour. Like me.

[Rupert McDougall]

You think that the first time I come, I'm gonna fly?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you'll do. You'll come so quick. Much like the Cosmic Treadmill.

[Rupert McDougall]

Much like if Duke takes a how it will send him flying upwards, because.

[Duke Nukem]

That'S how I'm going to get to space.

[Scott Aukerman]

It'll propel.

[Chris Thomas]

When you buy a gogurt that's extra full, it'll fly out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We shake a gogurt, you'll just like Quinn will be there when you shake.

[Duke Nukem]

A gogurt and it gets all carbonated and explodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, is there going to be some sort of, like, trickery that we pull on Quinn where she thinks it's.

[Rupert McDougall]

You see, this is why I don't like this idea. And I'm not gonna do it because, of course, I'm saving myself.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I've seen movies like this, films like this.

[Rupert McDougall]

Exactly. And they don't do them anymore. It's in the 80s, apparently, I'm told.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I believe I saw some recently where there's some sort of trickery and they trick.

[Duke Nukem]

Are these home movies?

[Rupert McDougall]

Oh, I see. See? I see.

[Duke Nukem]

And.

[Scott Aukerman]

And somewhere they. Where the. The men are tricked into thinking it's a sex doll, but it actually is a real woman. And.

[Duke Nukem]

Scott, I'm sick of men being tricked, by the way.

[Rupert McDougall]

I know.

[Chris Thomas]

It's like, my God, stop lying to men.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Rupert McDougall]

You're telling me there's a world where I return to my wife. I think I'm about to. To finally. Finally consummate. But I'm actually having sex with a doll. Is that what you're telling me might happen to me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe. I don't know. I'm just saying, whatever happens in there, you have no experience. You'll probably do it so quickly that.

[Rupert McDougall]

Or is it the opposite that I think it's a doll, but it's a person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, I've seen all sorts of of these films on the Internet, movie after movie after movie. Yeah. This is my top four on letterbox. I'm just saying this is a way to get to solve both of your problems. You. You don't want to consummate your relationship with Quinn because it disgusts you.

[Rupert McDougall]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just as I do.

[Chris Thomas]

Just right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, right now. Different. And maybe you could come over once a month and get a little, you know, experience. And so when you get back to Deirdre. Yes. You can be a compassionate lover.

[Chris Thomas]

I think this is such a good point. And I also think there's something weirdly mystical going on over there that I think it'll send you back home to her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

So you'll be able to, like, get some practice and get back.

[Rupert McDougall]

I cut these temptations. Also confirmed. Scott is a foot guy and a porn addict.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm writing it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are not two separate things. This is like subsets.

[Rupert McDougall]

But to answer your question, what is outer space?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, oh, you know, the. You know, the stars, the. The. You know, the. The bear up there and the. The guy, the archer, and all that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, look at the screen saver. Screensaver has now gone to outer space. I don't know, guys.

[Chris Thomas]

I think there's a witch at play.

[Duke Nukem]

Lock the door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott. Do screensavers have algorithms? That.

[Chris Thomas]

That was crazy. It, like, hurt us.

[Scott Aukerman]

So crazy. Yeah, it's up in the sky.

[Rupert McDougall]

I don't understand what I'm looking at. Can you explain it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's a view from outer space down to the earth. That's a. A bird's.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah, but who's doing it?

[Scott Aukerman]

There are satellites up there that take.

[Duke Nukem]

God damn. It's filled with bugs. Now the ocean's filled with bugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now we're back under the ocean with jellyfish everywhere.

[Duke Nukem]

I got to get down there and give him swift justice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Outer space is if you go up really, really high in the sky. You know, the blue up there in the sky during the day.

[Rupert McDougall]

I don't see a lot of blue in Los Angeles, I have to say, quite honestly. Smog combination of smoke and fog. It's really sad.

[Duke Nukem]

It's pretty bad, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, the blue is just a reflection of the. The oceans and. Oh, boy, that was too complex for Rupert. If you go up really high, that blue, it's not a ceiling. You don't crack your head on it. You can just keep going and going and going. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

You.

[Rupert McDougall]

Not a ceiling.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a ceiling. You can go up. The air gets thinner until there's no air.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, let's just say the small talk is about to become very deep when I return to Deirdre and tell her there's no ceiling up there. Because before that we were talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

The mead, the me. Oh, yeah.

[Rupert McDougall]

How it made you feel, the wedding and the ceremony.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wouldn't lead with that necessarily, if she's ready to go.

[Rupert McDougall]

But I feel like the real stuff, right?

[Chris Thomas]

You came back from the bathroom and you tried to explain to her outer space. Like, out of nowhere, after going to the bathroom twice, it looks like you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scared or you're going out there and getting some psychedelic plants or something like that.

[Rupert McDougall]

What the hell are you talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying, like, it just. It's. You seem like a strange person to Deidre, who's. Who's, by all accounts, ready to go and just wants to be lame.

[Rupert McDougall]

You need to stop talking about my wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

I beg your pardon. Pardon. I beg your pardon.

[Rupert McDougall]

So to answer your question, I suppose it's the ocean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Duke Nukem]

We're just a couple of ocean loving guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just three ocean guys. All right. Literally.

[Duke Nukem]

Like, what about you, Scott? No one's asking you.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one is asking me. You know what? I. I've been down there, you know? But up there, too scary. I don't know. I'm gonna pick terra firma. I just want to stay here. I don't want to go anywhere there. I like my neighborhood, other than. I mean, quite honestly, I guess. Chris, don't make a habit out of coming over here.

[Chris Thomas]

I mean, this has been so good, though. Everyone has been so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone's been really nice.

[Duke Nukem]

We're being really.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have other friends?

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, I have a couple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, who's in your bro pack?

[Chris Thomas]

I got Marty. Marty's great. He works at the ymca.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

Marty's great. I think it's just.

[Rupert McDougall]

I.

[Chris Thomas]

Because I have brothers, too. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I've just never come from a family of. Do you have any sisters?

[Rupert McDougall]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Okay, so this is the. Your first. What about your mother, though? Your mother may.

[Chris Thomas]

My mom never came home from the casino.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. No.

[Chris Thomas]

We visit her there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? She's there 24 hours.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, they give you free drinks and food.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah. Literally.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't have to go.

[Chris Thomas]

We'd visit her. It was so fun. Some of the best memories of my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you've never been around this at all?

[Chris Thomas]

I've never been around a woman 24 7, so. Yeah, but I'll stop talking about that. I love my brothers. I love my, My boys. But this group here, I don't know what it's been. It's, it's, it's. There's something really special here.

[Duke Nukem]

You got three more brothers is what it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Or at least two.

[Rupert McDougall]

Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a neighbor.

[Chris Thomas]

Okay.

[Rupert McDougall]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think neighbor beats brother beats brother.

[Chris Thomas]

I, I, I disagree, but I'll let you have it.

[Rupert McDougall]

Scott. The moment men sit around the table over drinks.

[Scott Aukerman]

A round table.

[Rupert McDougall]

A round table. Discussing the issues. Manly issues. They become brothers.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are particularly manly issues today, aren't they?

[Rupert McDougall]

They really are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Duke Nukem]

It's a, it's, it's man's duty to explore space or the ocean or have a pet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. That's what we all want to do as men. Right. And yet we're scared to talk about it. Yeah.

[Chris Thomas]

We're scared to be like, what's ketchup?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, exactly.

[Chris Thomas]

Do I want to meet fish? It's hard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, all right. It's time for our speed round. And we know what happens with the speed round. We ask one question really fast. If you had a million dollars, what would you buy first?

[Duke Nukem]

Going to Duke Nukem, I'd buy another clone of me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had to buy the previous ones.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, but it was actually more expensive, so I'd be getting a good deal if it was just a million dollars.

[Scott Aukerman]

You own your clones?

[Duke Nukem]

I own my clones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Very good. All right, let's go to Rupert McDougall.

[Rupert McDougall]

I've gotten very into fragrances lately.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Rupert McDougall]

Because I spend a lot of time at Scent Bar in Hollywood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Is that over there by Sur or wherever they.

[Rupert McDougall]

So I would like to buy a few perfumes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cool. Yeah.

[Rupert McDougall]

And let's just say just a few would be a million dollars. Am I right, gentlemen?

[Scott Aukerman]

Everything smelled bad in 1772, too. I bet.

[Rupert McDougall]

It really did. And I didn't know that until I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got here, and you're going and taking pisses and shits everywhere.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, not again. I wish it for you.

[Chris Thomas]

Yeah, I wish it for you, too, Duke.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Chris Thomas. What?

[Chris Thomas]

Would you buy a frozen chamber to freeze my girlfriend when she's in a good mood, Keep her there forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Forever.

[Chris Thomas]

It's rapid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fast. So what I think what you're thinking is you'd freeze her, like, in a cryo chamber? Yeah. For the week that she's.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Having this affliction.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But the problem.

[Chris Thomas]

Super happy, healthy, and horny.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like The. Is it established in the Alien franchise whether people have their periods at regular intervals in the cryo chambers?

[Chris Thomas]

I don't know anything about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or whether when you wake up, you're, like, in the exact same state. I think you're just frozen, right? So it's like if you were on your period when you went into the cryo chamber, then you're on it when you come out. I don't know.

[Chris Thomas]

I'm disgusting.

[Duke Nukem]

Do we think that the wrestler Triple H, the H's were happy, healthy, and horny?

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so.

[Chris Thomas]

I hope so, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That's one thing we as a society can all agree.

[Duke Nukem]

That's right. The big three.

[Scott Aukerman]

The big three. Well, I think we've done it, guys. This is really. I think we made a dent at least, you know, we're not. Obviously, we're not going to solve anything here on the CVB roundtable, but we made a little bit of dent into understanding where we all come from. Look, we're all dudes, so we're all coming from basically the same point of view, right?

[Chris Thomas]

But truly, we're about all three gonna hit, like, a huge trial when we leave this room. You're gonna finally take a. You're gon Deidra and just deflower that woman. And I'm gonna beat this monster.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're gonna defeat it. Try to do some.

[Chris Thomas]

I'm gonna defeat the monster.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were pointing at your penis when you said that. You're just gonna go home and jerk off.

[Chris Thomas]

Gogurt and Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. Well, guys, we are running out of time. Unfortunately, we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something. I want to watch your.

[Chris Thomas]

But I probably can't afford it right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, but I'd like to keep it on a list. Give me your plugs. All right. Did she say, I want to watch you Shit, Duke, that's going to cost extra. Extra for what?

[Duke Nukem]

Is she already paying for my only fans?

[Scott Aukerman]

You have an onlyfans, Duke Nukem.

[Duke Nukem]

I'm a content creator, and the content I create kicks ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. That, by the way, was my very best plug bag remix. Nope. Sorry. That was love, y', all by xoxo thank you to XOXO for that plug bag submission. If you have a plug bag submission, head over to cbbworld.com plugs. You'll find everything you need over there. You'll find, you know, links to submit your stuff, other things. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Let's go to Rupert McDougall first. What do we want to plug here?

[Rupert McDougall]

I've been going to a theater called the Upright Citizens Brigade.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that in the Valley?

[Rupert McDougall]

No, no, I go with the crew of the Valley. We. We go over the hills and there's.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of time in Hollywood.

[Rupert McDougall]

That's right. That's. People from the Valley pretty much only go to Hollywood if they're not in the Valley.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that established on those shows? I haven't watched the Valley, but do they say, like, oh, no, you brought.

[Rupert McDougall]

Up the Valley and you've not watched it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We all live in the Valley because it's cheaper over there because it's so hot. It's 10 degrees hotter. Does that ever come up on this show?

[Rupert McDougall]

For some people, it's just the Valley has character and it's beautiful of place.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not really. I lived there for a long time. It's pretty much just.

[Rupert McDougall]

Well, I know people from there who grew up there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? And they think it has character. Like what? The bookstore on Ventura in Laurel Canyon.

[Rupert McDougall]

Bookstar?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Bookstar with the big marquee.

[Rupert McDougall]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Wow.

[Rupert McDougall]

You know that. That's a quaint, beautiful bookstore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, and it happens to be across the street from Chin Chin.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yes. So you know it quite well then. But I'll plug. Just go into Herald Knight at UCB Monday nights.

[Scott Aukerman]

Monday nights. And are there any particular teams that.

[Rupert McDougall]

Sure, sure. I've seen a team called Yikes. But all the teams are a delight, and I'd recommend all of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

And are they able to be live streamed on Herald Nights, or is that.

[Rupert McDougall]

Not anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happened? Are you free to talk about this? Much like how I pee?

[Rupert McDougall]

Unclear, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Freely.

[Rupert McDougall]

So if you're in Los Angeles, if you live in the Valley, drive over those hills.

[Scott Aukerman]

Drive over the hills. All right, Duke Nukem, what do we plug in?

[Duke Nukem]

Sometimes I make little appearances on a podcast called Get Played with Matt Apodaca, Nick Weiger and Heather Ann Campbell. It's a video game podcast. I'm from a video game.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, oh, that's right.

[Chris Thomas]

That's awesome.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, I'm from a video game.

[Chris Thomas]

I miss playing those.

[Duke Nukem]

Yeah, well, you aren't allowed to play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Them at Quinn's place.

[Chris Thomas]

No, that's why I got Nickelodeon on all the time.

[Duke Nukem]

But, yes, you can check that show out. They have a patreon. Patreon.com getplayed. Where they have a bonus show there, too. And then one of the guys on this.

[Scott Aukerman]

You boned this show, too. What?

[Duke Nukem]

They have a bonus show there, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Duke Nukem]

I wish I Could bone the show.

[Chris Thomas]

Boner show. Is that something.

[Scott Aukerman]

It'd be great if you.

[Duke Nukem]

That's awesome. That's what this is? Kind of.

[Rupert McDougall]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't it be great if you could have sex with podcasts?

[Duke Nukem]

Oh, man.

[Chris Thomas]

They wouldn't bleed. It'd be easier.

[Advertisement Voice]

Sure.

[Duke Nukem]

One of the guys on that show, Matt Apodaca, is on an upcoming Netflix animated series called Strip Law, and it's a really funny show, so you should check that out.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's about naked lawyers.

[Duke Nukem]

It's about lawyers on the Vegas strip in. In Las Vegas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Duke Nukem]

So you could check that out on Netflix on February 20th.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Chris Thomas, what do you want to plug?

[Chris Thomas]

Sometimes when I go on a walk to give my girlfriend space, I listen to a podcast called Artist on Artist on Artist on Artist.

[Scott Aukerman]

This just happened to you for the first time?

[Chris Thomas]

It's just been. I've been up for three days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Chris Thomas]

So the last two days when I've been wanting to go on a walk, I'll listen to Artists on Artist on Artists on Artists. It's improv podcasts with a bunch of losers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I want to plug. Look, head over to. I mentioned it before. CBBworld.com we have the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. We've been doing this almost 17 years. We have every single episode we've ever done, every single live episode we've ever done. It's all over there. If you want to look, don't. Don't waste your time. Of the first 12 years. But. But the last five have been really good. No, wait a minute. Covid was fine. Oh, yeah, yeah. After Covid. Yeah. Start right after Covid. And we also have so many shows over there. We have CBB Presents, where people from this show have their own shows. We have Scott hasn't seen where I watch movies with that I haven't seen before. With Sprague, the Whisperer. We have Collegetown. We have the Neighborhood Listens. Wamp It Up. The entire Wamp it up archive is over there. So much going on over there. Head over to cbb world.com also, we have action figures, new action figures ready to order. We mentioned this last week, two new Comedy Bang Bang 3.75-inch action figures by FC Toys Forville and bandleader Reggie Watts. They're available [e-mail] Forville is a little bit shorter than the other action figures, but he comes with two knives. I got to give you your knife spec, by the way.

[Rupert McDougall]

Please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also in stock, we have Italiano Jones, Andrew P. Newer, Randy SNUTS. And Carissa. Big Sue Sprague, the Whisperer and of course myself. More coming soon in series two. We're in the middle of series two right now. These. And look, these are gorgeous. I have them right up there on full display.

[Chris Thomas]

Those are cool. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gorgeous action figures. They're available for customers [e-mail] free shipping with the US address. And if you're shipping to Europe, visit action figure seller. Seller meaning like the thing below the regular floor of a house. Not. Not a person who sells things for cheaper import fees. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. I wanna close the bag, baby. Step on in. I wanna close it tight. You know the way to win. I wanna close that bag. I wanna make it right. So just close that back. Hold those lanyards tight and then look in the back and let it open wide. Just open in the back. You got no place to hide but fix it cuz it's so open fast. And if you don't want that cuz it's rich ass. That's how we open the bag. And everybody sings. Oh, it didn't end with malice. Okay, well that was my very best plug back remix. Just kidding. I spent 23 minutes and called it Good by Kev Mealy. Thank you to Kev Mealy. And you know, look, speaking of thank yous, I want to thank our incredible panel here today, Rupert McDougall.

[Rupert McDougall]

Thank you for having me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Remind me to give you your knife back. And I hope that you find yourself back there with Deidre if you are indeed saving yourself for her. And now you have a little bit of, you know, a little bit of info about our. The heavens above.

[Rupert McDougall]

I've learned a lot. Give me the knives now. You'll forget if not, sorry, we haven't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pressed stop on this recording yet. I'm not going to give you the knives just to be murdered on my own show. I'm going to put the knives somewhere. I'll give you directions to them after I lock my doors. We also have Duke Nukem. Thank you so much for being here.

[Duke Nukem]

Hail to the king, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any other catchphrases from movies you want to steal or SNL sketches?

[Duke Nukem]

I'm done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And Chris Thomas, new neighbor of mine, want to thank you so much, but this is where our association ends, unfortunately.

[Chris Thomas]

What about this time next month?

[Scott Aukerman]

Month? No, I can't. I mean, if. Maybe if I'm doing a show, that's the only time the doors are open. Other than that we have the alarms on the door's locked.

[Chris Thomas]

All right, well, I'll just get your phone number and we'll coordinate down there. Love you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? We love you.

[Chris Thomas]

She just texted me a picture of her tits. I'm out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you can see those. Are you sure they're tits? Hey, show it to Duke Nukem.

[Chris Thomas]

What are these tits?

[Duke Nukem]

Those are tits.

[Chris Thomas]

Let's go.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks.

[Rupert McDougall]

Bye.

[Trevor Noah]

Hey, what's going on over there? It's me, Trevor Noah. You know me. You don't know me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you do.

[Trevor Noah]

I was worried there for a second. Well, if you know anything about me, you'll know. I love having interesting conversations. Conversations where we scratch beneath the surface, like what's really going on in the news? Or what is that celebrity really thinking about that scandal that they had? Or what's the worst way to be a parent? I mean, you want to find that out so you can be the best parent, right? Well, regardless of what it is, this podcast is all about figuring that out. Talking to interesting people who have interesting ideas that give us an interesting perspective on the world that we're living in. So check out what now with Trevor Noah, available wherever you get your podcasts.

[Scott Aukerman]

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