Kushmageddon (Simon Helberg, Lily Sullivan, Jacob Wysocki)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "Kushmageddon" – Episode Summary

Podcast: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Simon Helberg, Lily Sullivan, Jacob Wysocki (as characters)
Date: April 20, 2026
Theme: 4/20 "Kushmageddon" – weed, absurdity, and a sci-fi Armageddon parody with comedic character riffs

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Overview

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is a quintessential 4/20 celebration, blending a classic guest interview (with Simon Helberg of "Big Bang Theory" fame and new AMC show "The Audacity") with the show's beloved open-door character mayhem. As usual, Scott presides over organized chaos – bouncing from showbiz anecdotes and lampooning self-help decor to a wild, high-concept parody plot: an interplanetary crisis where a massive kush meteor threatens the weed-filled planet of Kushtopia.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

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CBB Tour, Catchphrase Fails, and Shimmy's Wall Update

[01:00 – 05:06]

• Tour Announcements: Scott announces a slew of Comedy Bang Bang live tour dates across the US, UK, Canada, with presale info ("Code: beefing").
• Failed Catchphrases: Opens with a fan-submitted catchphrase and guest reaction – "Don't think it's gonna stick."
• Recurring Character Shimmy: Returns after "living in the walls," eating insulation and counting nails. (“I've been eating that pink stuff.” – Shimmy, 02:23)
• Notable quote:
  • “Every man must live by a coat. That’s right. And yours is beefy.” – Scott (05:05)

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Simon Helberg Interview: From Big Bang Theory to The Audacity

[05:57 – 37:04]

• On being recognized as ‘Wolowitz’: Most people call him by his character’s last name, even in real life.
  • “Excuse me, are you Wolowitz?” – Simon Helberg (06:48)
• Big Bang Theory Legacy:
  • Scott comically admits he never saw the show ("Bigger and better than I Love Lucy!" – Scott, 07:22) and riff on TV history vs. personal experiences.
• Transition to New Show "The Audacity" (AMC):
  • Simon describes show as a “dark satire about the bubble of Silicon Valley and these handful of lunatics that are leading us all into the future and maybe into our own demise.” (13:53)
  • Cast includes Sarah Goldberg, Zach Galifianakis, Rob Corddry, Lucy Punch; circles back to his TV/LA comedy roots.
• Kissing on Camera:
  • Simon discusses awkwardness of on-screen relationships: “Is that the worst part of being an actor, to kiss people who aren’t your wife?” (16:20)
• Nerdy Character Names & Hollywood Trivia:
  • Name talk (Pfister, Felder, Ruffage): “Is it named Fister though… implying that you…?” – Scott (15:21)
  • Anecdotes about being cast sideways, not being wanted (MadTV, Studio 60), and imposter syndrome.
  • “Most people who will ever have existed and walked upon this earth are in the zero-timers club.” – Scott (12:05)
• Acting Anxiety & Self-Esteem:
  • Discusses how long it took to feel “comfortable” after Big Bang Theory’s long run.
    • “I think it took me like 8 years to hang a picture in my dressing room.” – Simon (36:08)
• Memorable moment:
  • Scott tries to get Simon to do Jimmy Stewart (“Clarence, she's an old maid!” – Simon, 11:17)
• Timestamps:
  • [13:53] – “The Audacity” explained
  • [36:08] – Simon on anxiety, belonging, & Big Bang Theory

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Joanna Goins – DIY Parody Queen

[44:47 – 62:03]
(Character played by Lily Sullivan)

• Premise: Parody of Joanna Gaines from "Fixer Upper": “I’m Joanna Goins – spelled with 3 H’s – and my husband is also Chip.”
• Her Show: Fixes up “dogshit houses” in “Waco, Texas.” Butter tacos are a local delicacy: "It’s a stick of butter in a flour tortilla." (46:43)
• Profane Family Content: Her show’s unique for allowing cursing. Her husband Chip is a “handsome idiot, like a golden retriever hit with a barrel.”
• Farm Business & Merch: Sells ironic, passive-aggressive home décor (signs, throw pillows) at “Come and Go” gas stations – e.g. “Can you not put those tiny little boots on the table, little pig?” (51:33)
• Tradwife Pivot: Now branding herself as “tradwife” (but with a staff of 200); sells “raw dog milk” (milk that’s so raw it’s run through a cow’s gut twice, “diarrhea back into milk”).
• Memorable quote:
  • “Is that how you get your ideas for the signs? It’s like having a big f*cking baby with a nail gun.” – Joanna Goins (55:04)
• Timestamps:
  • [46:43] – Butter taco explanation
  • [55:04] – Her husband is “a big f*cking baby with a nail gun”

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Mr. Toots Toot – Kushmageddon Begins

[65:57 – End]
(Character played by Jacob Wysocki)

• Origin: Alien train conductor from “Kushtopia,” a planet made mostly of kush (weed). “It split off from Earth 65 million years ago.”
• Crisis: On 4/20 (called “Kushmas”), Kushtopia faces destruction by an incoming, Earth-sized kush meteor.
  • “A desert earth-sized kush meteor headed towards Kushtopia, man. It’s going to destroy my whole planet.” (74:08)
• Armageddon Parody Plot:
  • Mr. Toots seeks Scott’s help to assemble a team, Armageddon-style, to avert disaster. Simon is drafted as “the numbers guy.” Joanna’s Chip is suggested as “fire.”
  • Their spaceship is “shaped like a bong… the Illadel, nine millimeters thick, percolator, bubbler.” (75:57)
• Weed-Addled Digressions:
  • Everyone gets cartoonishly high on “Kushtopian weed,” causing confusion and riffing on Inside Out, Thumb Wars, and bizarre throw pillow slogans.
• Highpoint Quote:
  • “Can you help me smoke the big nug coming for my world?” – Mr. Toots Toot (76:47)
• Team Assembly:
  • Lungs, numbers guy, leader, fire, plus Chip, imaginary “hidden figures” women, CBB characters.
• Timestamps:
  • [74:08] – Meteor threat revealed
  • [76:07] – The Illadel bong-ship described
  • [83:05] – “Inside Out” hallucination after smoking
  • [84:17] – Losing track of the crisis, “numbers crunching again”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Most people who have ever walked upon this earth are in the Zero Timers Club.” – Scott (12:05)
• “Do you want all your favorite guys to die? Cooter the Supercomputer…” – Mr. Toots Toot (78:31)
• “If you’re a mother out there and you have kids always putting their feet up, it’s a humorous sign – but we really want you to keep your feet off the furniture.” – Scott (52:05)
• “Is it named Fister, though? Implying that you…?” – Scott (15:21)
• “I’ve got a good one: ‘Can I have a sip? That water bottle. You stink it a little.’” – Joanna Goins [while stoned, 80:04]

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Memorable Moments

• Simon’s wry discomfort/amusement at Scott’s lack of Big Bang Theory knowledge, and the ritual humiliation/affection about TV character names.
• "Tradwife" Joanna Goins going off the rails about her lazy, accident-prone husband Chip and her army of staff, ending up selling “diarrhea-milk.”
• The episode’s 4/20 centerpiece: a rambling Armageddon parody involving bongs, meteors, camaraderie, weed, and utterly baked character improv.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Content | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:00 | Tour announcements, Shimmy’s wall bit, failed catchphrases | | 05:57 | Simon Helberg introduction – Big Bang Theory, career reflections | | 13:53 | “The Audacity” on AMC discussion begins | | 16:20 | On kissing on camera | | 36:08 | Simon’s acting anxieties, feeling at home in TV | | 44:47 | Joanna Goins segment: “Fixer Upper” parody, ironic décor, tradwife/dairy riffs | | 51:33 | Sample sign slogans | | 55:04 | Chip is a “big f*cking baby with a nail gun” | | 65:57 | Mr. Toots arrives – Kushtopia lore | | 74:08 | “Kushmageddon” threat revealed | | 76:07 | Bong spaceship description | | 83:05 | Cast gets extremely high, riff on “Inside Out” cast | | 84:17 | “Numbers crunching again!” – can they save Kushtopia? |

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Overall Tone

Irreverent, rapid-fire, and meta, with Scott poking fun at both himself and his guests. Character appearances are alternatingly sweet, deeply silly, and wildly absurd, as only Comedy Bang Bang can deliver.

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For New Listeners

No prior knowledge is necessary!
This episode captures the show’s mix of celebrity interviews, wild character sketches, and marathon bits, all bent through a 4/20 haze. You’ll get showbiz reflections, inspired stupidity, and a meandering, collaborative send-up of “Armageddon”-style disaster movies—weed edition.

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For Returning Fans

• A perfect showcase of how Scott folds high-profile guests into the show’s running chaos
• The Kushmageddon arc is a knowing riff on classic CBB “world-in-crisis” episodes
• Plenty of recurring in-jokes (character names, past guests, CBB memes)

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Final Notes & Recurring Sections

• Plugs Segment:

  • Simon: New show “The Audacity” on AMC.
  • Joanna: Sagnolia Farms, “raw dog milk,” “smoothie head implant,” and sardonically plugs CBB World.
  • Mr. Toots: 420 Kushmas Special (meta CBB World bit).
  • Scott: Upcoming tour, CBB World content archive.

• Close: The show ends with the (maybe) stoned cast pledging to save Kushtopia, but Scott wavers on starting another serial “thread” before turning the rescue over to the characters.

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“Most people in history are in the Zero-Timers Club… That’s a great catchphrase.”—Scott Aukerman (12:05)

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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fight for power over the gritty streets of Liverpool. Rolling Stone UK calls it a firecracker of a series you don't want to miss. This City Is Ours now streaming on AMC. Learn more at amcplus.com

[B]

America's Best Network just got bigger. Switch to T Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out plus our five year price guarantee.

[C]

And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.

[B]

Best mobile network based on analysis by Google of speed test intelligence data 2H 2025 bigger network. The combination of T Mobile's and US Cellular's network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. See t mobile.com for details. My dad is built like a brick house. I'm more like a dookie adobe condo. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Stressnap for that catchphrase submission. Don't think it's gonna stick. The looks of disgust on our guest faces are enough to tell me that the hunt continues for another catchphrase. We'll get there. Though I have confidence. Maybe by the 20th anniversary. We'll get there. I'm not sure. But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have an exceptional show coming up. We have a TV host. A TV host. We also have. A train conductor is on the show today. A train conductor. So this is a really good show that's coming up in B block and C block. Hey, Scott. Oh, wait a minute. Shimmy.

[C]

Hey, man.

[B]

Hey, Shimmy's here. What's up? Hey, what's going on, Shimmy? God, you've been trapped in the walls for all this time. What have you been up to? I don't think that it's trapped. I'm having a great time. What have you been doing? Like, name three things you've been doing in the walls.

[C]

I've been eating that pink stuff.

[B]

Okay, that's insulation. I don't think you should be. It's not cotton candy.

[C]

I've been counting nails.

[B]

How many are you up to? Eight hundred and two. That's a lot of nails in one house, you gotta admit.

[C]

And I've been eating that pink stuff.

[B]

That's the first thing you. Hey, Shimmy. It's great to talk to you.

[D]

Are you.

[B]

I Just want to say, man, I think you're forgetting something. What am I forgetting? You said you was going to tell people. Oh, wait, is it about the new Comedy Bang Bang tour dates? That's right, man. Oh, yeah. Okay. Shimmy later. You heard me talking about this. I hear everything. Especially with all the pink stuff gone in the wall. I'm not God now. No, you just have eaten all the insulation in the walls. Soon I will ascend to my final four. All right, well, maybe. Shimmy. Would it be interesting to know that we added some. The second half of the Comedy Bang Bang Tour, we were revealing the dates.

[C]

Oh, man, you got me curious.

[B]

Okay, well, what do we got? Well, we have July 22nd, we're going to London.

[C]

Cheerio.

[B]

And July 25th, Manchester. July.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait.

[B]

Let me do a Manchester one. Okay, okay. All right. You got one for leeds because that's July 26th. Birthplace of Peter O. 2. Okay. July 28th, we're going Bristol, UK. Bristol cities.

[C]

It's dirty.

[B]

Okay. And July 30th, we're going to Glasgow in Scotland.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And then July 31st, we're going to be in Dublin, Ireland. Sl.

[D]

All right.

[B]

And then a little while later, August 9th, we go to Vancouver.

[C]

Nope.

[B]

Nope. And August 10th, we go to Seattle. August 11th, we go to Portland. Scrambled eggs. August 11th, we go To Portland, Oregon, for two shows. Portlandia. August 12th, we go to San Francis. Go.

[A]

Ding, ding.

[B]

And then September 8th, we go to Denver, Colorado. September 9th, Dallas, Texas. September 10th, San Antonio, Texas.

[C]

Remember the Alamo.

[B]

And September 11th, we're in Austin, Texas. Keep it weird. Joe Rogan. That's right. So we're going to be at all these places with the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. There's this guy, Paula Tompkins. He's going to be there with me on every date. And then. Did you say gross? Go on. And then a rotating group of people are all going to be there. All of those dates, plus all of the other dates that we're doing are all available@cbb world.com tour and there are tickets still available, I believe, in almost all of the cities, so. Oh, man. Go check those out. And then the new dates go on sale this week. This. What? Nude apes? No, unfortunately, even on the Planet of the Apes, they wore clothes. You're never going to find an alternate universe where there are nude apes. Man.

[C]

I love.

[B]

I love an ape.

[C]

That's. Oh.

[B]

Natural. So all of new dates go on sale this Friday, but here's the code for this Wednesday. The code is beefing. And if you enter that code. On Wednesday at 10:00am local time, you can get pre sale tickets for this. Otherwise you're gonna have to wait till Friday to get the tickets. Every man must live by a coat. That's right. And yours is beefy. So come check out the Comedy Bang Bang tour. All of that is going on. And Shimmy, are you gonna join us on one of the dates? Gotta go. Okay. He's gotta go. All right. Thanks, Shimmy. Thanks so much. All right, well, let's turn our attention to our first guest here. He. You all. We look. We all remember him from his starring role as Howard. That was.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Rough going.

[D]

This is the A block. What's going to happen to you by C block?

[B]

I pulled it out of the last.

[D]

No, I know.

[B]

That was.

[D]

That was. That was a good. That was a good one.

[B]

That was Howard. We all know Howard.

[D]

No, and you didn't. There was no stuttering. It was just. It was just the old

[B]

Howard. Howard Wolowitz.

[D]

Yeah, there it is. Yeah.

[B]

That's a good last name. How. How often did that come up on the show? My name? Yeah. Did anyone ever say Wal, like what percentage of episodes? Because you were on for 12.

[D]

As if you hadn't betrayed that you weren't a big fan before.

[B]

What I'm not doing. I'm not doing a Wallowitz count to your satisfaction.

[D]

You don't know how many times they said my name.

[B]

Would they call you Wolowitz?

[D]

They would call me Wolowicz.

[B]

They did. Really?

[D]

And that's. That. That has not stopped in my regular life either.

[B]

Do people. People shout that at you?

[D]

It's a lot of. It's actually a lot of like. Excuse me, are. Are you Wolowitz? And then it.

[B]

So no one called you Howard?

[D]

Not. They did.

[B]

Howie.

[D]

That also. Yeah, all the. Yeah.

[C]

How.

[A]

How.

[D]

See? Don't you want to watch it now?

[B]

There's so I. I have to admit I have not seen the show. The show in question is the Big Bang Theory. Do you want to come on my other. Do you want to come on my other show? Are you.

[D]

As a show, even.

[B]

I honestly. This could be a Barenstein Bear situation. I. I have no idea.

[D]

The show in question, the Big Bang Theory, though, Hu.

[B]

One of the biggest shows of all time.

[A]

It.

[D]

It is. But I also.

[B]

Bigger and better than I Love Lucy.

[D]

That's. You said it here. First and last. Bigger and better than I. So that's where.

[B]

Ran for more seasons.

[D]

Yeah. Have you seen anything between I Love Lucy and.

[B]

And not seeing actually after I Love Lucy that's where I ended my tea. I binged I Love Lucy and I was like, it doesn't get better than this.

[D]

So you didn't watch Lucy the Night follow up?

[B]

No, I did not. The color Follow up.

[D]

You didn't like.

[B]

She shouldn't have been in color.

[D]

I agree. There are some people who should not be in color.

[B]

That hair's too red.

[D]

It is. And then she went through all that to become a star, and we couldn't even appreciate the redness of her hair.

[B]

Exactly, exactly. I'd love to talk to you about I Love Lucy exclusively.

[D]

You should watch the black and white Big Bang because I think you'd like

[B]

those much like the. That one Wolverine movie. What was it called, Logan? Oh, and the. The. The Mist. Is there a black and white version and a color version you can toggle between? On the.

[D]

In the pilot, we went from black and white to color.

[B]

Oh, like a Wizard of Oz kind of situation.

[D]

I've never seen that. People keep mentioning that.

[B]

Wizard of Oz. You've never seen that?

[D]

No.

[B]

Does this ring a bell? There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

[D]

Yeah, it rings a bell.

[B]

In relation to what? Your own home?

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. When I get home, I say.

[B]

You say that. Do you. Wait, are you wearing ruby slippers at the time?

[D]

You know, I wear slippers and you're

[B]

clicking the heels together. Is that.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

This is all wizard of Oz again. I didn't. You know, maybe I was influenced.

[B]

Do you have a dog by any chance?

[D]

I do.

[B]

And what's the dog's name?

[C]

Can I ask?

[D]

Africa.

[B]

Wonderful bit. Big Bang Theory. He played Wolowicz. He also has a Golden Globe nomination for Florence Foster Jenkins.

[D]

I have it with me.

[B]

Yeah, you brought it.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It looks to be transparent.

[D]

Yeah. They don't give you a lot when you get a nomination. You don't.

[B]

You do get a. Don't you get a certificate? The Emmys do.

[D]

No, not from that foreign press thing.

[B]

Yeah, I remember the. Like, I got an Emmy nomination back in the 90s, if you can believe it. And all they did was send me a certificate, and I was. And I framed it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Hung it up for a while.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Until I realized that was loser behavior.

[D]

Well, I mean. Yeah, it is. You don't. Yeah. Because you don't see a lot of the. You don't see a lot of Emmys next to the certificates. It's like you either have the Emmy or the certificate. Yeah, exactly. So it does sort of scream loser, but that. That's okay.

[B]

We also know him from Dr. Horrible, sing along blah. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, where he played Alex Dwyer. Anyone shout out Dwyer to you?

[D]

I like that you're now so on top of my character names. I even. I don't remember. I lapsed.

[B]

Poke face. He played FBI agent Luca Clark.

[D]

Thank you, American dad.

[B]

Dr. Ranch slash creep.

[D]

What?

[B]

Well, gosh, is that like editorializing just squeaking its way into your Wikipedia page?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Or is that.

[D]

Yeah, it's, it's.

[B]

Or is that how you were actually billed on the show?

[D]

Slash creep. Yeah, I, I, you know, I didn't even. Again. Now you're just rubbing it in that you know more about my career than I. I do.

[B]

Look at the theater. How to succeed in business without really trying at the Reprise Theater Company in Los Angeles, United States.

[D]

The. The. Yeah. In America, I only do theater. I only do USA. You're.

[B]

You're still. You were doing theater back in 2021. Murder on the Links. He played Captain Hastings. Yeah.

[D]

Oh, that was a radio play. Yeah.

[B]

Well, that was a radio player.

[D]

Yeah. Now you're getting. These are.

[B]

Wait, you played George Bailey and It's a Wonderful Life?

[D]

I did play version, yes. Not in the film. I know you love. That's when. That's the last film you saw.

[B]

Can we hear some of your.

[D]

Jimmy, no, I didn't do it. You didn't do it.

[B]

Jimmy suit. You have to.

[D]

No, no. I mean, I, I. Clarence, she's an old maid. There you go. No, I didn't want to. You don't want to be confident.

[B]

Let me hear you just say, as you doing the character, say, Clarence, she's an old maid.

[D]

Clarence.

[B]

No.

[D]

Say. Oh, no, wait. I guess I did.

[B]

Primarily, though, we know him from, of course, the episode of the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. Simon Helberg wears a sky blue button down and jeans. Please welcome to the exclusive One Timers Club on Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast. Simon Helberg.

[D]

Thank you. Wow, that's really. It is an honor. They do. I know the Five. Didn't they just do a big Five Timer thing at.

[B]

Yeah, we don't do that. The One Timers Club is where you want to be because honestly, most people are in the Zero Timers Club.

[D]

That's true.

[B]

You know, like most people on Earth.

[D]

Right. If you start to get. If you zoom out.

[B]

Yeah. Most people in history.

[D]

Yeah. I mean, you could go deep and then you could go into the future and really, ultimately, most people will have never existed.

[B]

Most people who will ever have existed and walked upon this earth are in the zero Timers club.

[D]

That's a great. That's a great catchphrase. I think you should.

[B]

That should be it. Most people have ever walked on this earth.

[D]

It's like the opposite of the McDonald's 7 billion served.

[B]

That's right. But then. And then there's a whole bunch of people who keep coming back and keep doing it a lot. And then people are just like, okay, yeah, we get it.

[D]

And then there's me.

[B]

And then there's you. You're in the one time club.

[D]

Feels nice.

[B]

People like Ben Stiller never returned.

[D]

This is great company. You know, I will. I think I'll never return.

[B]

Donald Glover.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

That's where you want to be. You never want to do it again.

[D]

The people who came

[B]

and then said, no. Paul Rudd.

[D]

Oh, what a sweet. Originally sweet. And then turned so bitter after. Turned so better after he left Comedy Bang Bang.

[B]

I may have never asked him to do it again.

[D]

Okay, that's fair. But you've had quite a. It sounds like quite a. Quite a list.

[B]

Quite an incredible one Timers Club. And now you are amongst it. Thank you. And now you have a new television show and it's been out for a couple of episodes and it's called the Audacity on amc. American Movie Classics. Although I know it doesn't stand for that anymore.

[D]

You just. You like tmc.

[B]

I do.

[D]

I do too. I like tmc. Well, yeah, that's. They, they're they the movie classics because. Yeah. What's his name? Alan.

[B]

Which guy? Which guy are we talking about?

[D]

Slurpee, like the main guy.

[B]

Oh, I thought you meant Harvey Levitt. Harvey Levy. Oh, yeah. Yes, he does drink a Slurpee or a Big Gulp or something.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What's that all about?

[D]

He is thirsty and diabetic.

[B]

He's a thirsty guy. Yeah, he is a diabetic, probably. But you're on the show the Audacity of which I have seen the first episode and it's fantastic. Tell us about the show. Why am I saying everything about the show?

[D]

Honestly, I'm more excited about this than I have been in a very long time. It was created by Jonathan Glatzer, who was a writer on Succession and Better Call Saul. So it's really just brilliant, brilliant writing. Dark satire about the bubble of Silicon Valley and these handful of lunatics that are leading us all into the future and maybe into our own demise. So it's kind of terrifying and kind of darkly funny and just feels very of this moment.

[B]

It's a fantastic show. I watched the first one, and I just got it sent to me mere hours before you were here. And I really wanted to press play on number two. And I was like, you know what? Gonna save this. Gonna breeze through them all. It's very bingeable, it feels like, because I just wanted to see another one. And you play a character named Martin Pfister. What do you think when you get the character's name and, you know, like, Pfister.

[D]

There's a lot of good names on this show. So the woman who plays my wife, her name is Anoushka Bhattachera Pfister. So there's a lot of hyphens, because there's kind of this Dynasty feeling of these. All of these people who. It's a very incestuous group of people who have.

[B]

They're all kind of having sex with each other, and they're in deals with

[D]

each other, and their kids go to school with each other. And so it has kind of that soapy quality, too. But, yeah, it's. You know, this character. Is

[B]

it named Fister, though? Like, implying that you.

[D]

No, it doesn't have to go. So it's not a Dickensian.

[B]

I know it's with a ph. But it's.

[D]

Yeah. You know, not everyone is named. What. What are you.

[B]

Is named after what they do?

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what that. That's. What. What is this not what our ancestors did one Cooper. We're just inventing.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

We have no idea how to create. Yeah. No. The last names are. I'm sure in his lineage, maybe there was some dirty.

[B]

You have someone named Feldr implying that they felded people, which. I don't know what that is.

[D]

It sounds like something you do with, like, gold or not. Maybe I'm just being.

[B]

Yeah. If it's close to felching.

[D]

Right. Yeah. No, this is an adult show.

[B]

This is an adult show for people over 13. I did want to ask Megan Rath, sorry, plays your wife. You mentioned her in the episode I saw you kiss her. Is that the worst part of being an actor, to kiss people who aren't your wife?

[D]

It sounds terrible, doesn't it? I haven't had to do a lot of, like. I haven't played a lot of normal people. I'm still not playing a normal person. Like, Martin is emotionally stunted.

[B]

You know some very funny stuff in the first episode where you're taking someone's image and building an app out of it and stuff.

[D]

Yeah. He's. You know, he's Somebody who probably stopped developing at like 14 or 15, went to Stanford and is the brilliant mind, but is missing all of the kind of emotional components that make a human. Human. And so he's now locked himself in his garage all day and is working on developing this AI companion. And so he doesn't really know how to relate to people, but at the same time, he's married to this beautiful woman and that. You can probably fill in the blanks there.

[B]

And why he has a big penis. Okay.

[D]

I didn't say it. His last name. His last name says it all. Martin Pfister. I hardly know her. So, yeah, no, he's a really fun one. And. Yes. And then I got to kiss Megan in the show, which is something I generally don't. There's not a lot you haven't gotten

[B]

to do it because. What was his name? Wallowitz.

[D]

Howard. Howard, yeah.

[B]

Did you have a love interest on that show?

[D]

I got married on that show and I had. And so there was some of, you know. But it's always done in a very chaste manner. Yeah, it's an immaculate conception kind of thing.

[B]

Who did you get married to? What actress?

[D]

Melissa Rauch.

[B]

Oh, Melissa. Yes. Which explains why you were on Night Court.

[D]

That. Oh, boy.

[B]

Playing Spencer. Spencer on the episode A Decent Proposal.

[D]

Yeah. Yes. I didn't want to drop names, but that is the episode which I don't think even aired. I think it was so special that they canceled a show.

[B]

They kept it in the Disney fold.

[D]

They said, yeah, I did a bunch. I remember doing. I was on Joey, which is, I think, the only thing in my lineup that you have not mentioned. But we were shooting that and it got canceled in the middle of you shooting. Yeah, but I guess at that time they had, like, a penalty or something, so they had to.

[B]

They had to keep shooting them. But I said they just put them all out recently for the first time.

[D]

So you're like, it was worth it. They said. They pulled me aside. They said in 25 years. That was.

[B]

That. That is. How long ago.

[D]

Let's see, was it actually. No.

[B]

Maybe it was 94. Probably to 2004. So it was 20 years.

[D]

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That would have been in 2005. Probably.

[D]

It probably was.

[B]

Let me look for the exact.

[D]

I would say it was 2003. Two or two. That. 2003. I'm going to say three. 2003.

[B]

Joey premiered in 2004.

[D]

Oh, I was close. And this is really. This is going to captivate your.

[B]

It kept going until 2006. How is that possible?

[D]

This is the question I asked.

[B]

Two seasons.

[D]

Yeah. I think only one of them or half aired.

[B]

Oh, wow, that's so fascinating.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I gotta see this. Because he played Seth Tobin. I did for four episodes.

[D]

You're just. You're really a basic man.

[B]

I just. I love characters names and that's why I watch the shows.

[D]

Yeah. And that. That's why you didn't watch Big Bang.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I hated that name.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

But I mean, this show, the Audacity on amc, has charact like Duncan Park, Joanne Felder, Tom Ruffage. Roughie is like, you want that before the Fister.

[D]

You want that before? Yeah, maybe after.

[B]

I don't know. I don't really.

[D]

Oh, boy.

[B]

But you have great actors in this. You have sort of toplining this. You have Billy Magnuson from Game Night. He's so great in Game Night. And greatness. You have Sarah Goldberg from Barry. Yeah, she's amazing.

[D]

Zach Galifianakis.

[B]

Zach Galifianakis. Rock Cordry, Lots of Lucy Punch.

[D]

Lucy Punch is so incredibly funny. Everybody. It's a lot of funny people.

[B]

And wasn't Zach and Zach and Lucy were in Dinner for Schmucks together?

[D]

Yes. Right. Yes. Lucy was in the. Yeah. And then Zach and Billy were in Lilo and Stitch.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

And Rob Cordry and I were in Old School, so this is like a very funny. And Zach and I worked on Derek and Simon together.

[B]

Derek and Simon together.

[C]

Right.

[D]

It's a lot of like. Like, you know, people who are being kind of funny in the. In the, like, early 2000s in LA. Well, I mean, some people are being funnier than others. Sure. I'm just being modest, but. Yeah, no, no, it's. It's a. Such a. It's a. It's a great group of people and everybody's kind of.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, great, great. Such a great cast and yet a ton of funny people. And yet I wouldn't even classify it as a comedy. But it is very. I mean, every. It's one of those shows where everyone is kind of likable while being unlikable and has some. Some deep, dark things going on that all come to come to light and then it all just kind of like the knife starts twisting.

[D]

Yeah, it's a very. It's very satirical, again, in the way that, like, Succession or.

[B]

Or Moliere.

[D]

Or Moliere. Yeah, the mis. If you like the Misanthrope.

[B]

Have you ever been in the Misanthrope? Let's hear Jimmy Stewart as your character in the Misanthrope.

[D]

I was, I did, I did work on the Misanthrope. I didn't do a whole production of it, but I, I, what does that mean? Like I was in, you know, this, this scene study class where we kind of would focus on different classes.

[B]

How much of your acting class work and techniques ever come up, ever in your work now?

[D]

I mean, honestly, I, it's being totally serious. I, it's not that they come up, but I like, I went to NYU and I, I, I did a conservatory program there and then I, I just am kind of obsessed with, always have been obsessed with, with really studying and get, getting better at things.

[B]

Yeah. Do you still, do you still take class?

[D]

I don't take class now. I, I would. You should give class. I should give class? Is that even a thing you can

[B]

say I'm going to give class.

[D]

Hi, I'm, I'm ready to give class? Yeah, no, I, I mean, I, but, but all like that technique and stuff, it, you know, I, I, I, for me, it, it's informed all of it, of the work I've done. I think that, like, I don't think I would have been able to do what I do without that, honestly. But I don't think that everybody needs to do it. And I also think that a lot of people, like, for me a lot of it is just kind of like quelling the anxiety that comes with performing and sort of the doubt and the low self esteem that you're like grappling with when you're first starting and trying to kind of ground things.

[B]

Always thinking you're gonna get fired. Did you think you were going to get fired from the Big Bang Theory when you started on that? Was it like a constant? Not constant. I just mean like before it premiered where you sort of like, oh my God, I'm gonna get fired off this thing. Yeah, everyone just feels that way, right?

[D]

Yeah, I think you do feel that way. And it's so, what's funny is like I didn't really ever get fired. I guess I kind of got fired from Mad TV, which was.

[B]

Okay, you were on MadTV for one year or six years?

[D]

No, no, no, no, no. For six episodes.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Jesus. Jeez.

[D]

No. Getting fired after six seasons would be after six episodes.

[B]

I did six seasons and a movie of Mad TV and I got fired.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. It that, you know, I just wasn't asked back, I guess, which, whatever that,

[B]

so you were on a six episode contract and they didn't ask you back after this? That's, that seems cruel to an actor

[D]

to be like, it is it. But that was a weird scenario. So like I had a couple weird scenarios actually. Big Bang was not totally dissimilar where I felt like from the get go, I wasn't really, I wasn't really wanted. Like I came like, you know, have you ever gotten a job where you can feel that it's kind of like a split it camp that someone wants you and someone doesn't?

[B]

Doing this show, I find that every episode I'm still trying to decide where you lie.

[D]

Like one of us here does not want you to be here.

[B]

Right? Yes. It's usually the other guest. Not the A block guest. It's usually the other one.

[D]

This is it. This is A block. No, no, this is coming from the A block. No, no. Yeah. So I, I like when I got. So when I got mad tv, I. There essentially what had happened was the, the producers.

[B]

Quincy Jones loved it. Alfred E. Newman. Quincy Jones.

[D]

And yeah, it was like the producer.

[B]

Quincy ever show up to set? No, of course not.

[D]

No, no. But I do get to say now that I worked with Quincy, isn't it

[B]

hilarious that he produced that show?

[D]

It is pretty funny.

[B]

I wonder if he came to even one rehearsal.

[D]

You know, it's like. And when he died, they really didn't mention that to be quite.

[B]

And that's one of his huge achievements. Yeah, that was on the air for like 14, 15 years or something.

[D]

Yeah. But no, it's all Thriller, it's all Frank Sinatra. Yeah. So that was just a weird, you know, like that was the thing where I think the producers didn't. They thought I was, I was very, I was really young. I was like 22. And they were like, you know, they just, they didn't. That at least that's what I had heard was they thought, oh, he's too young. We don't, we can't have, we don't

[B]

want like what young characters are there that he can play.

[D]

Yeah, I think that was. That maybe was what I heard. But then the head. I think the head of Fox at that time really wanted me. And any. When I got in, it was like clear that. That they didn't want.

[B]

They were making the best of what they thought was a bad situation.

[D]

Yeah. And it just, that felt bad. In case you weren't sure. It feels pretty bad. It felt really bad to go in like all of the Groundlings that I grew up like watching and loving were all either on the show or writing for the show.

[B]

Right.

[D]

And I was 22 and I had to go into that. To this little room and do all my characters after I had already done this for the audition and I had to do all my characters for, like, my heroes, you know, sitting on a

[B]

couch and they're sitting there going, like, why aren't I on the couch? Did you do impressions?

[D]

I can't remember. Well, that was. The other thing was I did a lot of impressions and they. After I did that in the room for all those brilliant, funny people, they were like, well, that's great. You do. Those are all great. But Frank does all of those. Like Frank Caliendo.

[B]

Caliendo, right.

[C]

And I.

[B]

Did you do impressions on Studio 60 too?

[D]

I did, yeah. Which ones did you do? That was after Matthew, so that I did, like, Nicholas Cage and Ben Stiller and One Timers Club. Ben Stiller, Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, I did a few. But that was also, like, a funny thing. When I got. I got again auditioned for that kind of, like, killed in the audition. Same thing with Mad tv, actually, like, killed. And I remember seeing Ike Barinholtz was there auditioning, and it was such a weird. It was such a cool time. I remember coming out and seeing Will Arnett had just, I think, tested for Arrested Development. Like, just cool, everyone. Just like, cool time.

[B]

What a time to be on a studio was cool.

[D]

Like now, when I think about it, now it actually, like, that's kind of.

[B]

Now they're selling Bradford.

[D]

I know, I know. It seems romantic now. It was. It was. It was utterly, like, paralyzing then, too, you know, to be 22 and be like, I'm bringing in a boombox and a garbage bag full of props and like, it was really.

[B]

Couldn't even afford, like, a trunk or a single case.

[D]

No, but. But like. But then you do it and you're like, you kill. And you're like, oh, that's weird environment to do comedy in. But then. But I. Yeah, and with Studio 60, actually, it was a really similar audition. I had to do characters and impressions and then do a scene that.

[B]

Like a dramatic scene.

[D]

It's like an SNL audition or Mad tv, Same kind of audition. And then do a scene with Aaron. Read a scene. Aaron Sorkin's reading his own scene with you, but he's memorized because.

[B]

Yeah. And he knows every punctuation.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. So you're doing that. And then I left that thinking, like, well, that could not have gone better. I did not get the part. Nate Cordry.

[B]

Nate got that part.

[D]

Rob's brother got that part. And then I got a call that Aaron And Tommy Schlami wanted to see me at the studio again. This is. There's something romantic about it now. But they called me in to their office, like, Aaron's in there, like, Emmys. I know you've got certificates, but they're real Emmys. And yes, not just certificates. The glow of a golden statue. You have Emmy. I see. I mean, no, no, it's behind.

[B]

I'm not. I'm not gesturing over.

[D]

No, you. You.

[B]

I'm maintaining eye contact.

[D]

That. That. That wing is sharp. Can you please get it out of my face?

[B]

The most dangerous award.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. But. So they called me in and they were like, you know, they. They really did this thing that was so funny where they. They said, hey, you know, we. We really liked what you did. We really liked your audition. And. And you're going to read a lot of other pilots this season, and there's some good ones, but we happen to think what we have here is very special.

[B]

Like, it was like.

[D]

I was like, okay, yeah.

[B]

And it's going to last way longer than 30 rocks.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. There's another show you might. You never gonna hear about it again. But they're like, so. But we'd like you to be a part of it. And. And I was like, oh. And they're like, so you can think about it. But.

[B]

Or. But we really would rather you just say yes right now.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

In the room.

[D]

And I was like, I don't need to think about it. And now I realize, too, like, part of it was just that they were asking me essentially to commit to being on the show, but as a guest star.

[B]

Yeah. Without a full series, regular content.

[D]

Yeah. Which, by the way, didn't matter to me. No.

[B]

How about. Because you ended up doing.

[D]

I did most of them, but I was barely there. But I did do most of them. I was sort of like in the background of a lot.

[B]

Lot. Yeah. You ended up doing, I'm gonna say, 14 episodes. You just.

[D]

Just. Just off the top here.

[B]

But.

[D]

But when I. When I said yes, Aaron took me in. He goes, great. He tooks me, takes me into the writers room. It's all these great writers, including some incredible sketch writers, like Mark McKinney is sitting there.

[B]

Right, Right.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And he goes, I'm not going to use any of these guys.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

No.

[D]

Well, so then Aaron goes like, welcome the newest member to Studio 60s, our newest cast member, Simon Helber. Like, and then. And it's like, okay, okay. Hi. Hi. And then he's like, he. He just did a great audition. He did do that speech that I wrote for Nick Cage in the Rock. That's what he said. And I was like, you wrote that?

[B]

Wait, he. Oh. Because he goes, he goes. Wrote the Rock.

[D]

And I was. Because I did this whole.

[B]

Did he write the line you're between the Rock and a hard case which got booze from the theater that I saw it in.

[D]

Wait, that's in there?

[B]

That's in there. Yes.

[D]

I don't remember that.

[B]

You're between the.

[D]

I remember like face. But Belusia goes home and the problem Queen. Yeah. The winner goes. Whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, that's. That's a sore. But I don't remember that one. Yeah. Anyway, he, he. So he made me do a speech which I guess he wrote and everyone was sort. It was awkward and. And then I sat with all those writers because Aaron was like, you know, sketch comedy, you should sit with all these writers and basically do like, do

[B]

your stuff and they'll write.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Which.

[D]

Which seemed like an absolute dream. And none of it ever made it in the show.

[B]

At most they had someone doing Pimp My Trike. I remember. And that was. And you would just see like a 3 second clip of it was.

[D]

Yeah, it was like. I mean, how. We all know Gilbert and Sullivan is huge in the sketch comics show.

[B]

That show is fascinating. I could talk to you about it for literally hours.

[D]

It is. You know what was so funny after that show was that Bob Odenkirk, because I had just been working with him and he.

[B]

On Derek and Simon.

[D]

Yeah. And he left a message for me after the pilot error. I wish I had this. But he was like, sim.

[B]

Oh my God. I just saw the pilot of Studio 60. That's exactly what it's like behind the scenes. The pilot is very good.

[D]

Well, the pilot is great because they

[B]

never do comedy in the pilot.

[D]

It's true. But, but, but Bob, it. But Bob was like being kind of funny.

[B]

Oh yes, it is true.

[D]

The pilot was great. But he was like, the stakes are so high. He kept saying that.

[B]

Meanwhile, I worked for BOT for a number of years and it felt like the stakes were that high because if he said a mean word to you, you would go, it would ruin your life.

[D]

Yes, yes. But no, I think that, that the pilot was great. And then when the show started to. It was funny. That 30 rock. Everyone was like, oh, that one's not gonna last.

[B]

I know, it's such a funny time, but. Yes, but, but, but let's circle back. I. I do want to circle back to Big Bang Theory. Because you said you had a similar experience there. And I just want to pull that thread so that our listeners are not.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Not left hanging about.

[D]

So the similar thread was just that I. I was doing Studio 60 at the time, and I got asked to. I got an audition for the Big Bang Theory, and I didn't want to do it because I felt like I was like, you know, now I'm on this really passionate. You're passionate. Yeah. And I finally am kind of getting away from playing just these stereotypical nerds and then assholes. Yeah. I'm working with Star Wars Beta Cucks. Yeah, you said it. And so I didn't want to do it. And I got sort of persuaded to go in and audition. And then Chuck Lorre liked me and wanted me to come.

[B]

And in the room was like, look, we have a very special show here.

[D]

Well, he did a funny thing, which was after I read. And honestly, it's sort of that, like, this is the psychology I feel like we all want to embrace. It's like I did not care about it at all, but I just sort of threw myself in and. Cause I was on. I'm on a show.

[B]

I already have a job.

[D]

Yeah. And I did great. You know, like, it's when you don't care.

[B]

It's like.

[D]

It's like the Alyssa Liu in the Olympics. The ability to be like, I'm not here to. I'm just here to do this thing I like doing. And that was what kind of happened. And it went great. And after Chuck goes, well, actor goes home knowing he killed.

[B]

I remember he said that.

[D]

Which was very sweet and also kind of very like, it was sweet. And it was also this interesting moment where I was like, did he betray him? Like, did he betray himself in some way by laughing? Like. Right.

[B]

I wonder how often. Because that's so generous. Because you don't want. Want. When you're auditioning people, you don't want to necessarily give people false hope.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Because who knows what can happen? But at the same time, you also don't want them to leave going, what

[D]

the Was I exactly?

[B]

Did I do? What did they even think of me?

[D]

No, it was a. It was a kind of a perfect, like, distillment of him, too, which was. It was very sweet and like. And. But he showed his cards, too. And I. And I think. I don't know. I kind of.

[B]

Then you had him over a barrel and you just jacked your price up.

[D]

I don't know. I think. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

But I killed. You said so.

[D]

No, And I think that after that, I was. When I said, I'm gonna stick on Studio 60, and it just became this sort of. He wanted me to test, and then I tested, and then they didn't hire me for like a week. And Kaley Cuoco had gone into test that same day, and they hired her that same day. And so I think there was this week where I was not really, even though I was kind of asked to come in and test. And I think I thought I was the only person testing. I think that they didn't maybe want to hire me right then. I think they may wanted to hire Kevin Sussman, which, by the way, can't blame him because Kevin's the funniest person ever. But I think that there was this week of Limbo where.

[B]

Well, also, you were on a show that probably complicated things.

[D]

But what was so strange about that was like, that week went by, and after I kind of thought, like, okay, I'll know. I'll be on Big Bang. And I asked Aaron Sorkin for sort of his blessing, and then they have a week to tell you if you can, if you get the part. And a whole week went by and no one said anything. And I remember calling my agent saying, didn't the clock, like, run out? And then she called back going, oh, yeah, yeah, no, I guess it's yours.

[B]

Oh, she hadn't followed.

[D]

She kind of checked in and was like, oh, yeah. I called them today and they said, oh, yeah, the business week has gone by. So I was like, so that's it. Like, did they just sort of by

[B]

default, just kind of back them into a corner? I like, well, look, and if that were the case, would it be terrible?

[D]

You know, all it did was sort of create the, like, the. That.

[B]

That feeling of like, maybe I don't belong here.

[D]

Yeah. And like, you know, there was just so that first. The first few years, I sort of felt like, am. I wanted. And that's just. I would have done that anyway. But it definitely, you know, it added to the. The insecurity.

[B]

But at what point were you over that, like, and going like, oh, this is a hit and I'm doing a good job?

[D]

I mean, it took me a long time, honestly, really, I. I think it took me like, eight years to. Eight hang a picture in my dressing room. Yeah, I think I didn't put a nail on the wall for eight years because I was like, well, what if. What if the show.

[B]

You want to get your deposit back?

[D]

Yeah, well, I didn't have spackle or anything. But, but, but then, no, I, I, I really had a tough time just finding my own. The self esteem and the belief in myself. I think it's weird to hit that kind of. From the outside, it's like you're like, oh my God. We would get picked up for three seasons at a time, right? So it was like. But I was really just completely run down with anxiety and fear and it was great on one hand and on another, I think I just always just thought I was gonna fuck everything up.

[B]

Well, you didn't. You were on that show for how many seasons? 12. 12 seasons. And now you're on on the Audacity, which is on AMC on Sunday nights. And May this run 12 seasons as well for you.

[D]

I appreciate that. I will put pictures on my wall much, much sooner.

[B]

I, I'm, I'm very excited for episode two because I got sent all the episodes and there's a little thumbnail on each of them of one still from the show. And you're in the, the, the number two. The episode two, one. So I'm like, oh, this is going to focus on him.

[D]

It's honestly, I've seen them all and it is really, really spectacular. I really hope people find it and tune in and I promise you won't be disappointed.

[B]

It's like the Walking Dead, but without the zombies. Should we say that it doesn't have any zombies?

[D]

Right? Yeah, There you go.

[B]

But it's like the Walking Dead. It's on amz. There's people in it.

[D]

Yeah. If you like people.

[B]

Yeah. Well, we're gonna take a break here, Simon, can you stick around?

[D]

Okay.

[B]

To get, to stay in the one timers club, you have to stay through the end one time. I mean, to be honest, is there a halftimer club? Did Ben Stiller stay the entire time? No, but I'm gonna stay. We may have stitched two episodes together and called it one episode, but we're gonna take a break. When we come back, we have a TV host. We also have a train conductor. This is an incredible show. We're gonna be right back with more Simon Helberg, more comedy Bang Bang, right after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence. Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer, and get paid all in one place. I hate going to a separate place to get paid now. You can get paid right there at Squarespace Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services and get paid. With built in scheduling, invoicing and email tools, you can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates. No experience needed. Plus, built in SEO helps fans and clients find you while custom domains keep your brand polished and secure, showcase videos, promote events or even monetize content. Everything is designed to help you grow your audience and your business. Check out squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Ah yes, Spring. It's time to end your hibernation and get to moving. A lot of stuff happening as we ramp up to summer. We're doing the tour of course, and all sorts of stuff is going on. But you know what needs to change around this time is your wardrobe. You got to put away those heavy layers. It is time for breathable, durable clothes that move with you and can keep up with anything you put on your spring calendar. 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W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home comedy. Bang, bang. We're back. Simon Helberg. The Audacity is on amc. What does the title refer to? Because I was watching the first episode and they never say, like, oh, the Audacity.

[D]

Right. Did that upset you? That they never.

[B]

It did, yeah. Then I was like, maybe it's one of the companies that they're working for. But it was all like, spoogle and.

[D]

Right. No, I think it's Cupertino. Exactly. Yeah. Which you can again, draw your own conclusions. I think the Audacity is referring to just the brazen ballsiness of these people to sort of anoint themselves as the ruling class. Yes. The leaders of this arms race to save humanity from the brink of what? I don't know. From the brink of the disaster that they're creating. I guess so.

[B]

And Cupertino is meant to be Apple. And it's because Cupertino is a ringtone on iPhones.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. That's huge stuff.

[D]

You really are trying to. You have a Very. It's a small little box of knowledge.

[B]

Interesting. In names.

[D]

You like names. You have facts that you really want to get out. You know, Ringtones.

[B]

Yeah, look, I'm a ringtone guy.

[D]

Yeah, that's fair. I forgot. That is Cupertino. Is that the one that was.

[B]

I've never heard it before. I've just seen the name of it. Oh, well, that was a good impression, though.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Assuming that's what it sounds like, because I've never heard it.

[D]

No. Right. I do impressions. All of inanimate objects.

[B]

Well, we need to get to our next guest. Speaking of inanimate objects, she is a TV host. Please welcome back to the show Joanna Gaines Goins. Oh, hello.

[A]

It is Goins.

[D]

Scott. Yeah.

[A]

No, there was that. We had that mix up back in Texas last time I saw you.

[B]

Sorry. Yes. You were on a live episode. We did.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

In Texas. And you're the do it DIY fixer upper person.

[A]

And I'm gonna correct you there, too. So, okay, there is Chip and Joanna Gaines, who have the show fixer upper in Texas.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Right, right. And then.

[B]

And she's half Asian, but that's not. You Haitian.

[D]

Did you say Haitian?

[A]

She's half Asian. That's right.

[D]

Like Haitian or. Or you just. You pronounce the silent H in Asian.

[A]

He pronounces this. I pronounce silent H as well. She's Haitian. And I am white.

[B]

I'm totally white, 100%.

[A]

And I'm sure if someone ever played a character like Jo. Jo Andes.

[B]

You. You're Joanna Goins, though.

[A]

I'm Joanna.

[B]

You have a similar career.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we're very similar. So understand why people got it mixed up. Okay, so.

[B]

So what is your story? What do you do? What? You're a TV host. You have your own TV show.

[A]

I have my own TV show with my husband, who's also named Chip.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And my name is also named Joanna, but I spelled with three Hs.

[B]

Oh, three Hs.

[A]

Hannah. Hannah.

[D]

Is that. Oh, that's where the H is occasional. You're just a big fan of H's.

[A]

We're just throwing H's around.

[D]

You just throw them around.

[B]

Joe. Really annoying Hannah.

[A]

Johanna. A going. That's right.

[B]

So there is no confusion about any of these facts.

[A]

No. And we also have a show where we fix up houses. So they do that in Waco, Texas. And we do ours in Waco.

[B]

Waco. Is that in Texas as well?

[A]

That's right. Waco, Texas. That's famous for Their taco. The butter taco.

[B]

The Waco taco.

[A]

The Waco Taco.

[B]

Yeah. Not to be confused with the Choco taco.

[A]

Oh no, that's an ice cream.

[B]

Yes. This is, this is, this is some sort of meat based taco.

[A]

This is a butter taco.

[B]

It is a butter taco.

[A]

That's right. A whole stick of butter in the,

[B]

like in the middle, middle of a flour tor.

[A]

Instead of meat or no cheese, no guac, no nothing.

[B]

Just, just a whole stick of butter.

[D]

Why didn't you.

[A]

Famous Texas taco.

[D]

Guaco. Guaco Taco.

[A]

Well now that would have been smart. But this is just, you know, they

[B]

serve those in guac.

[D]

Right.

[B]

And Choco Texas has the Choco taco.

[A]

That's right. That's right. And Tiva Texas has its Teva shoes.

[D]

Right, Right. No, yeah, it's all talking about tacos. Tacos squared away.

[B]

But so, so you have, what, what type of houses do you fix up?

[A]

Oh, so we fix up pieces of shit. Absolute. Just dog shit houses that look like,

[B]

you know, pig styes.

[A]

Absolute pig sties. We come in and so Chip, he.

[B]

Are you interested, Simon, in these types of TV shows where they take a house and they, they make a door?

[D]

You. No.

[B]

Oh, okay, great.

[A]

And that's okay. You don't have to be, we're not twisting your arm. You don't have to watch it.

[D]

No, I do. I like to see. I, I, the, the satisfaction of flipping something there. Is that, that gratification that you, you get from. But I always wonder, is it, is the quality high when.

[A]

Oh, it's, it's not so.

[D]

Yeah, it's so fast.

[A]

It's really fast and really bad. Plus we've got Chip, my husband, who's a idiot, but I love him. He's so stupid and funny.

[B]

He's handsome though, isn't he?

[A]

He's so handsome and dumb. Like a golden retriever who got hit in the head with a barrel.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, like a full barrel.

[D]

Yeah, full barrel of milk.

[B]

Yeah. Or milk.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. He, he's always doing funny stuff. He's always falling through the roof. You know, we're always laughing at him. Almost turn into the camera going, my husband, he's so stupid.

[B]

And it's the one fixer upper television show where they allow you to curse like that. Right?

[D]

Yeah. I feel like they're all pretty family friendly.

[B]

Yeah. But this is the, that dares to go there.

[A]

Well, this one is on tubby. That's where, that's that streaming service where you can watch stuff in the bath.

[B]

Oh, yes. With two bees and a Y.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

So. So when you're in the bath, like,

[D]

you don't mind hearing you have to wash wet. You said when you. You. Is that you can't watch other things in the bath.

[A]

No, you. I mean, you wouldn't want to.

[D]

No, no, no.

[A]

You wouldn't want to.

[B]

Are you guys wet on the show?

[A]

Oh, we're sopping wet.

[B]

This sounds like it's straight out of Wet Day, which of course was a couple of weeks, weeks ago, but now.

[A]

What the is that?

[B]

What day? On April 10th.

[D]

What is that?

[B]

That's the holiday that Paul F. Tompkins and I created a few years back.

[A]

Oh, my.

[B]

Go back and listen to our Wet Day episodes. You'll get a lot of lore about them.

[A]

Go ahead and send that to me. I'll put that on my iPad.

[B]

I don't have any of your personal information.

[A]

That's right. I keep it secret because, well, you know, when you're famous like we are, it just. Everyone wants to know your business, you know? Everyone wants to know what you doing now. What you working on, Chad? Chip, Meanwhile, Chip is falling through a ceiling into a concrete truck and getting. Spitting out of the back and made into a sidewalk.

[D]

Oh, you know, so he's not. He's dead.

[A]

He's alive. But he is in a sidewalk right now.

[B]

He's currently in a sidewalk, but it's still wet.

[A]

But he's being so funny.

[D]

Well, yeah.

[B]

Are they trying to get him out or.

[A]

They're working on it. Yeah. He wanted to be here. Of course.

[B]

I would love to have him on the show sometime because we. We love talking to you.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

No, you're escapades.

[A]

And thank you so much. You know, I've been. I've been focusing more on our farm. Our Sagnolia farm.

[B]

Yeah. What. And that is also in Waco.

[A]

That's in Waco.

[B]

Okay. And what is the farm like?

[A]

So the farm is this beautiful farm where we sell stuff and we sell it at. You know, unlike Joanna. She sells at Target.

[D]

Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Where do you sit?

[A]

We sell at the Come and Go.

[B]

The Come and go.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Is that.

[A]

It's a gas station.

[B]

Oh, it's a gas station.

[A]

But don't worry. This one, they smell with the C. I know you were begging for it. Is it spelled with a K?

[B]

No, it's. No, I was actually thinking about, is it spelled C? M? Yeah.

[A]

And it is.

[B]

It is.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

And it's A gas station?

[A]

Yeah, I come and go. Have you ever driven around the American states?

[B]

I, I have. I mean, anytime that I see come and go in a gas station, it's usually in the bathroom, but.

[A]

Oh, oh, well, is this a family show?

[D]

Yeah. I mean, you were the one cursing it up. I, I, yeah, I thought, thought he would beep him.

[A]

You going to beat me?

[B]

Beat you?

[A]

A cursing beep me?

[B]

Am I going to be. Oh, beat. No, we're all out of bleeps. We, we ran out of bleeps back. So many people used them, like back in 2011, I think we ran out of bleeps.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah, so, so unfortunately, you guys can say whatever you want at this point.

[A]

Okay, then I guess I'll do it.

[B]

Joe. Hannah, you're so funny. Joe.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Hannah. Going.

[A]

Thank you. So, yeah.

[B]

So what is going on? So you have, have the farm and you're selling things that come and go. What type of stuff?

[A]

We sell signs, Scott. Signs for inside your house. You know, signs that say stuff in different fonts.

[B]

Like, what do they say?

[A]

Like stuff like, can you not put those tiny little boots on top of that table? Like you stink a little pig.

[D]

Oh, and this is like ironic signs for like children or guests or passive aggressive signs. Yeah. Or like, is it actually instructional?

[A]

Nice little signs, you know, cute, cute little sides you put in your kitchen

[D]

or something metal or they like wood.

[A]

Reclaimed wood.

[D]

Oh, good.

[B]

Reclaimed from, from what?

[D]

Other signs.

[A]

From other pieces of houses with signs in them.

[B]

And so, I mean, this sounds. So if you're a mother out there and you have kids who are always putting their feet up on this table, it's like a funny little sign to be like, hey, this is a humorous thing, but really also we want you to keep your feet off the furniture.

[A]

Exactly. Or you know, sign in the bathroom that's like, could you please wipe, you stinky little pig pee. I'm gagging.

[D]

Oh, to kit. Mainly to kids.

[A]

No, to adults.

[D]

You have other people.

[A]

You'd be surprised. People need to be reminded to wipe their ass.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And their hands, Scott, they need to wash those.

[B]

Well, it usually goes the ass first and then the hands. Because the hands are the last line of defense.

[A]

That's right. That's so smart of you. You learned it.

[B]

Yeah, I did. Well, I don't need to sign up in my bathroom.

[D]

I, I, but wow, he's fancy. The coastal elite over here.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, usually the signs that I know of that people hang up are things like, bless this mess, which is funny. Because it's like, oh, of course.

[D]

Calm down right in that calm down, calm down, not calm down C U m down, calm down. No, no, not cum down, calm down

[B]

or calm down, calm down, calm down.

[A]

Yeah, calm down, you.

[B]

There's a little pig. Someone has a sign that just says calm down down in there.

[D]

Yeah. Isn't that like a thing?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

That would get me, you don't know. Fired up. If some sign told me that's too passive aggressive, I would go, excuse me, who you think you talking to, Mr.

[C]

Pig?

[B]

Right? I am doing a, a Google image search for calm down signs. And there is, I mean, look, there is. Are a couple. There's usually stuff like calm corner or Calm corner. This is a safe space.

[A]

Take a deep breath.

[B]

But there are, there are two signs here. Here that look like maybe I just signed.

[D]

I just. Maybe that's something I just see when I'm starting to stroke out.

[A]

Now we've got signs like, don't forget to take your anxiety medicine, you little stinky pig. You making a mess in here, Pete. You. Oh, there's a pen outside. Get back in it. We shut the door on you.

[B]

This is a long sign. This is. I would take up most of my wall space if I put that up.

[A]

We play with the phone on Scott so it all fits on there. Don't you worry about.

[B]

So like in this house, we.

[A]

In this house, we don't make a mess with those big old boots, right?

[B]

You more to that one or.

[A]

No, that one's short, but boots is huge, so it's a big. It's a big ass side.

[B]

Simon, you were saying?

[D]

No, I just was thinking about how clean. Well, I don't know, how maybe your house is filthy. I can't tell which.

[B]

Yeah. Are these based on your own?

[D]

I'm just trying to figure out what's going on.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No. Well, when you have a husband like

[D]

Chip, he's always covered in concrete.

[A]

He's always covered in concrete, he's always falling.

[B]

He's got roof debris he's sticking to

[A]

him, jumping through trampoline and landing on a building, going through an office and landing in the mail room covered in tar.

[B]

He's got mail stuck to him.

[A]

Someday he's got pieces of mail all over him. He's such a silly little idiot. Yeah, but you know it.

[B]

Is that how you get your, your ideas for the signs is he'll do something and you'll, you'll say something and then you'll go, wait, that, that makes a great Sign.

[A]

He's non stop material. It's like having a big fucking baby walking around with a nail gun.

[D]

It's a very niche. I don't know how many people have mail stuck to them with tar and concrete.

[B]

Do you have a sign about that one like, hey, get that mail off of you and clean the tar off, you stupid little asshole.

[A]

Very close, Scott. It's a. And don't you fall through the roof getting of that big old office building trying to be a lawyer, whatever.

[B]

Covered in trying to be a lawyer. That's part of the story.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

But you know, we have a bunch of kids too, and they're dirty little messes as well.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

How many kids do you have?

[A]

We got 12 kids. 12?

[B]

That's a lot cheaper by the dozen.

[A]

Cheaper by the dozen. I. I had a baker's dozen for a bit there.

[B]

One of your kids passed away.

[A]

One of our kids ran away.

[B]

Ran away.

[A]

Okay, well, that was really close.

[D]

Almost got dark.

[A]

Dub has got really scared.

[B]

No, just ran away. And you never found them and they're presumed dead.

[A]

Yeah, they're probably dead somewhere.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, good. That's a way better story.

[A]

No, but now you know, Scott, we have to pivot. We have to pivot. Oh, not you at Sagnolia Farms because. Well, first of all, I didn't know this, but Tubby's not doing very well. People don't want to watch bath content, apparently.

[B]

Oh, Tubby. Oh, I thought you were saying Toby. And I was trying, but tubby's not doing well.

[A]

I do have a Toby though. I have bathroom. Got six Toby's.

[B]

You have six Toby's. Is that an award or Toby. Oh, got it.

[A]

Toby Rancid.

[B]

Toby Rancid is one of your kids.

[A]

He's so stinky.

[B]

You knew that upon naming him.

[A]

Yeah, when he came out the womb.

[B]

I know he's covered in womb.

[A]

Yeah, they stink. I didn't know there was general. Did you know that baby's in there?

[B]

Scott, I. I have heard this from certain friends that it seems to be a constant problem.

[A]

Some kind of talk situation.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's disgusting.

[A]

It's.

[B]

Being pregnant is disgusting.

[A]

It's absolutely horrible. No one should ever do it.

[B]

But it's gonna be all worth it at the. At the end.

[A]

People keep saying that.

[B]

Who knows? But that's not you. You're not pregnant.

[A]

Oh, no, no. But I. I probably should get pregnant because I'm kind of pivoted into the whole tradwife thing.

[B]

Oh, you're pivoting into Trad wife. Simon, you know what these are? Tradwifes.

[D]

Yeah. It's like an old fashioned. Like somebody who. Who. Whose whole lifestyle is being a wife.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

We want to pivot back. A study just came out about the men who desire tradwives are very misogynistic.

[A]

And how does that make you feel over there?

[B]

How does it make me feel? That's not my lifestyle, man.

[A]

I just mean I think we need to go back to when things were better.

[B]

Okay. What does that mean to you? Because you have your own business. So is. Isn't that a conflict of interest for you to be a trad wife who has a business based on trad wife stuff?

[A]

And you would say that. Some people have said that.

[B]

Yeah. So I would say it. Other people have said it. Sounds like we're all in agreement.

[A]

And some people would go ahead and put that in a newspaper.

[B]

The newspaper.

[A]

But I. My feeling is, you know, most of the people watch my content online. They don't know the full story. They don't know I have a big old staff helping me. So when Chip says, hey, I want a Jolly rancher, I go, well, I'm going to make that from scratch. And meanwhile, I have my team make it or buy.

[B]

Look up a recipe or. Or just buy some Jolly ranchers.

[A]

Buy some Jolly ranchers. I pretended.

[B]

Put them in a bowl, and I

[A]

go, I decided to make my husband a Jolly rancher. I. Watermelon liver so that we could watch a movie.

[D]

And then you unwrap it and you. You put it in the.

[B]

And it says Jolly rancher on it.

[A]

It says Jolly rancher. It's the whole thing. But it works. People love it.

[B]

People love that. How. How big of a staff do you have?

[A]

45.

[B]

45.

[A]

Just in the house?

[B]

Just in the. You have an outdoor staff as well?

[A]

We have the farm staff. That's about 162.

[B]

162. 200 people on the payroll.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

We do.

[A]

Yeah. Uhhuh. It's a big operation, Scott.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you know, I'm selling. We're selling raw milk Now. Now.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

Don't you worry. We're selling raw milk.

[B]

I was. I was a little concerned that you weren't selling raw milk because the standards have been lower to get that into stores these days.

[A]

I know. But yes, we've had some recalled, but there's nothing like glass of raw milk out of a big fat bag.

[D]

Is that unpack, like unpast?

[B]

Yes. Ex.

[D]

They call it raw, too.

[B]

So it's like raw dogging milk. Like.

[D]

Right.

[B]

Have you ever raw, raw dogged anything?

[A]

Have you ever raw dogged a glass of milk?

[D]

It's been a while, but have you

[B]

ever raw dogged any?

[D]

Well, you know, like sometimes like you say, a raw dog in life, they say when you go off your antidepressants.

[B]

That's true, yes.

[A]

I could never.

[D]

And, and women.

[B]

Yeah, sure, of course, lots of women. Lots. They go hand in hand.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, of course they do, yeah.

[B]

So you, you got the raw and and I was noticing on your website you say that you, your milk is raw than any other milk. What does that mean?

[A]

Yes. So it is raw. It is much more raw. And what we done is we taken the unpasteurized milk and then we've run it through a cow again.

[B]

Again. What does that mean? You force feed a cow milk and then it shits it out.

[A]

Yes, and then we make that back into milk.

[D]

So there's a period where it's not

[B]

milk, it's just diarrhea.

[A]

That's right. There's a period where it is diarrhea and then we make it back into milk.

[B]

How does one unturned diarrhea into milk, I wonder? This is a rumpelstone.

[A]

And that is a question for Signolia Farms. Because that, that's what they're doing over the team there. We've got an amazing team.

[B]

That's fantastic. Well, gosh, I, I, your website is, is really interesting. The signs take up about 90 of it.

[A]

Well, yeah. And we are getting into throw pillows too. We're expanding.

[B]

And these are pillows. Like a traditional definition of, of a throw pillow is a decorative pillow. But I see these are for actual throwing.

[A]

These are for throwing at your kids and they're being pigs.

[B]

So one of these says on it, hey, you idiot, I'm gonna throw this at you if you don't shut the up.

[A]

There's a lot of. Don't make me do it. I will throw this.

[B]

And they. And it says you can put rolls of pennies inside.

[A]

Now that is fun. You could also, you could put roll pennies, you could put some staples.

[B]

You could put anything metallic and sort of heavy by the bulk.

[A]

There's one. You could put a full cat in there. I swear to God.

[B]

Really?

[A]

You could throw your cat at your kid.

[B]

So if your cat and your kid are both disappeared. Disbehaving. Is that a word?

[A]

And we're disbehaving. Don't be disbehaving now.

[B]

Yeah, well, Joe, Hannah, this is all fascinating. Stuff. We're coming up on a break. Can you stick around?

[A]

Okay. Yes, I can and I will, you little stinky pig.

[B]

All right. Please don't make a pillow about me. We have a train conductor coming up. This is very, very exciting.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Yeah. Simon, have you ever been on a train before?

[D]

I have. I don't think I've ever met a real conductor though.

[B]

I'm trying to remember if I ever have either. But this is very exciting. A train conductor. We're going to be right back. We're going to have more Johanna Goins, more Simon Helberg. We're going to be right back with more comedy. Bang bang after this. America's best network just got bigger.

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Switch to T Mobile today and get

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built in benefits the upper other guys leave out. Plus our five year price guarantee.

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And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.

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Best mobile network based on analysis by Oogle of speed test intelligence data 2H2025 bigger network. The combination of T Mobile's and US Cellular's network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. See t mobile.com for details. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Do you have things that keep you up at night? And I'm not talking about your children or your loved, you know what I'm saying? And I hope you know what I'm saying. Look, stuff, you know, it sometimes can get hard to sleep. You got stuff that you're going over in your mind and then you look at the clock and it's four in the morning. You're like, I've been thinking about this for hours. Look, we mono focus on our problems, don't we? Well, if you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck or anxious or unsure, that look, that's okay. Those feelings are more, more common than we think. And may is mental health awareness month, which is a good reminder that you don't have to go through those feelings alone. Having someone with you to listen, to understand and to support you can make all the difference. Whatever is keeping you up at night. Therapy with BetterHelp can help you check in with yourself and gain support from experienced professionals. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take take a short questionnaire and by God this thing is short to identify your needs and preferences. And BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. Feel confident knowing betterhelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US you don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy sign up and get 10% [e-mail] Bang Bang. That is BetterHelp. H E L P.com Bang Bang. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[D]

Oh, no.

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We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent. Liberty. Liberty.

[D]

Liberty.

[B]

Liberty. Comedy. Bang bang. We're back. Simon Helberg of the audacity on AMC. How many episodes are we talking? 10.

[D]

We're talking eight. We're talking eight coming out this.

[B]

I love that when I get a part on something and I and I go, oh, gonna do 10 episodes. Then I see the actual contract and snip two right out.

[D]

Just take it right out.

[B]

Yeah, because you get paid by the episode. Yeah. Isn't that nice? Just 8.

[D]

That's less money.

[B]

And then you have so much time

[D]

to do other time to earn money.

[B]

We also have Johan here.

[A]

And do you have the audacity to put that little diaper in your ass, you stinky little pig?

[B]

Okay, that is based on me, and I will accept that. Well, we need to get to our next guest. He's a train conductor. I'm looking for his name right here.

[C]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Mister, My friend.

[C]

It's a long time no see, buddy.

[B]

Oh, it's Mr. Toots is there.

[C]

It's me. I'm back, man. Oh, come here. Give me big hugs, Brother man.

[B]

Hi, mister. Yeah, sure, bring it in. Yeah, give one to Simon too. And of course, lady, Go ahead and

[A]

throw me on those shoulders, you big old bunny cat.

[C]

Come on. It's so cool to see you, man.

[B]

Hi, Mr. Toots too, of course. Yes. Sorry, guys. Mr. Toots has been on the show before. We.

[C]

Yes, I'm man, we're acquainted with each other. I'm Earth buddies.

[B]

Yes. When he says earth buddies, do you want to describe your lore to everyone?

[C]

Don't seem so stinky so soon, Scott.

[B]

Well, I just happy to see your old friend. Oh, you're. I mean, I. Look, Mr. Toots, you were fine when you came on. Mr. Of course, Toot Toot. You were fine when you came on and discuss. Do you want to tell Simon and. And Johanna here where you're from?

[C]

Yeah, I'm from Krishtopia, man.

[D]

Krishtopia.

[A]

Now is that South Texas or North Texas?

[C]

It's, it's not even on this planet, man. Can you get that for a second, man?

[B]

Just even one second.

[C]

Could you even understand that it's not. This Kushtopia is in alternate Earth, man. It split off from Earth 65 million years ago. And it's a planet that is mostly made of kush.

[A]

Is that why he's got an accent? Because I cannot understand a word he said.

[B]

You.

[A]

I.

[C]

Well, I feel like I'm pretty. Understandable.

[B]

You're understandable. You have a sort of a French patois about you in a way. Wouldn't you agree or.

[C]

Yes, man. I love patois, man. I love the Jamaican island nation, man.

[B]

But your planet is mostly made of kush.

[C]

It's mostly kush.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. Simon, are you a someone who knows aliens or. No. Pot. Actually, I was say.

[D]

I, I, I. You know. I don't know tons of about pot. I. I'm just still trying to wrap my mind. Right, so from. You're from another planet that's being pure layers of weed.

[C]

Mostly.

[D]

Oh, mostly.

[B]

Mostly.

[C]

I mean, everything. It couldn't all be kush.

[B]

No. Because you're a train conductor.

[C]

I'm a train conductor.

[B]

But a train couldn't be made of kush because how would it work?

[C]

The train is made of steel.

[D]

And the train is. Operates on that planet in Ktopia.

[B]

Yes. And it goes all around the planet.

[C]

Or it goes wherever the people need.

[B]

But the tracks have to be laid down.

[C]

Right? In Kushtopia, there are tracks that are laid. But we can lay the tracks where the people.

[B]

You can lay new tracks? Are the tracks made of kush? No. It wouldn't work.

[C]

No, it just. It's steel.

[B]

Still.

[A]

It's steel. You stinky little pig.

[B]

Come on now. Right?

[C]

I mean, it'd be crazy if a train was made of kush and the tracks were made of kush. They do run on kush, though. Coal. That's just nugs, man. You know what I'm saying?

[D]

I think so.

[C]

Give me high five, man.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah, man.

[B]

And look, the reason that I, you know, I'm so kind of reticent to see you is, you know, since you appeared on the show and you've been on, maybe you're. You're part of the exclusive Three Timers Club.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

This is my third freaking time, man.

[B]

But but we've had a lot of people from Kushtopia. I mean, it's been a lot of guests who don't betray the fact that they come from Kushtopia for a long time. And then at the end they mention they're from Kooshtopia.

[C]

That's out of my control, man. Those are completely different guys.

[B]

But I mean, these are people like the Executioner and some Marty motorcycle.

[C]

Yeah. Always forgets his guns.

[B]

Exactly. And they all come on the show and I talk to them for a while. Yes.

[C]

They have like completely full realized lives.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

And then they also happen to just be from Krishtopia.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Like Bugs Bunny. You had a good time with him. He also happened to be from Krishtopia.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Yeah. It just happens, man.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So

[C]

what, man?

[B]

What's going on? What's going.

[C]

Something so specific to tell you, man.

[B]

What's going on?

[C]

Oh, gosh. What could it be, man? Man, I just got so happy to see my buddy, I forgot my main point.

[B]

Yeah, what's going on? What's happening with Mr. Toots these days?

[C]

Yeah, hold on, let me think, man.

[D]

Dude, dude, he says that every time.

[B]

Every time. His name is.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, damn, man.

[B]

What's going on?

[C]

I can't freaking remember, man.

[B]

You can't remember?

[C]

Hold on.

[B]

It must not have been important.

[C]

No, probably not, man. Wish I made some news for my good friend.

[A]

He's too hot or remember.

[C]

Oh, man. Hold on.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is it. You're too high on coon?

[C]

Yeah, I'm pretty stoned, man. Maybe just smoking a little more kush and I'll remember, man.

[B]

Oh, sure. Yeah, go. I mean, feel free. There's.

[C]

Let me do it, man.

[A]

Oh, Scott, you just let people smoke in your house like a stinky little doggy.

[B]

I don't love it, but I. Look, if it's going to help Mr. Toots.

[C]

Oh, Matt.

[B]

Toot Toot, by the way.

[C]

Sorry,

[B]

sorry, I don't mean to say when you're mid.

[C]

I was trying to freaking tuck it up and you're trying to pull my rip cord, man.

[B]

I. I apologize.

[C]

The plane hasn't left, but.

[B]

But have. Have. Has that made you remember what you wanted to say?

[C]

You want to hit this, man?

[B]

No, I really.

[C]

Anybody else trying to get down, man?

[A]

You know what? I will take a little bit of a time.

[C]

Yeah, it's super strong.

[D]

I didn't expect.

[B]

This is from Ktopia.

[C]

This is some Kushtopia.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah, rip that. Oh, Miss Lungs over here. That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah. You, you doing okay, Johanna?

[A]

I'm hazy, Car.

[C]

It's really quick, man.

[B]

You need anything?

[D]

It might calm your, your nervous energy A little. Nervous. I'll take some too.

[C]

Yeah, man, go ahead. Everybody's freaking toking up, brother.

[B]

I, I need to steer this ship until it may be at the end.

[C]

I understand. Oh, man. Maybe. What was I to supposed, supposed to freaking tell you, man?

[B]

Yeah, what's going on? Is it about Kushtopia? Is it about.

[C]

Probably not. No.

[B]

It's super important.

[C]

It's probably not. I did recently throw away all my Google homes.

[B]

Maybe.

[C]

Yeah, I got rid of them all.

[D]

Google homes, maybe.

[C]

Is that what I was gonna freaking

[B]

like a Google dot or whatever? I don't know. Simon, you're in a show about tech things. You know about this.

[D]

Is that like when you mark on the map where your homes are?

[C]

No, it's just like the thing you say, hey, Google.

[D]

Google.

[C]

You say, hey, Google, what's the weather? Good day, man.

[D]

Google, where's my home?

[C]

Yeah, I got rid of those, man. Is that what I was going to freaking tell you?

[B]

I doubt that you would come on the show and we would just be on the show because of you throwing away your Google home.

[D]

Yeah, like in your pre interview, he's just talking about Google home.

[B]

I don't, I don't have it. I, My producer didn't put anything. He didn't even put Mr. Toots. I would have been prepared for Mr. Toots Toot, of course, you know, but he didn't even put any of the pre interview information.

[C]

Oh, man, I'm freaking so sorry that I'm so blazed out. I forgot my main thing, man. Was it that I was going to tell you that been listening to new music lately?

[B]

I doubt it. I don't think I would have you on the show just to hear about new music.

[A]

I'd love to hear what you listening to.

[C]

I've been listening to old stuff.

[B]

Everything is old stuff. Because you can't listen to stuff from the future yet.

[C]

You don't know. Wow, what hasn't been put out?

[A]

You don't know, Scott, you, you don't know.

[B]

All right, you're right. I don't know.

[D]

You're saying that to a train conductor from another planet.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[A]

On the.

[C]

Oh gosh. Could it be?

[B]

I don't think so. I don't.

[A]

The future first, if you think about it. Because he's in the, he's in the driver's seat of the train.

[B]

Yeah, I, I look, I Is it the fact it's 4:20 today? I didn't realize that. I should have realized that. Mister.

[C]

Oh my gosh. Is it?

[B]

It is 420.

[D]

Is that what you were gonna talk about?

[C]

Oh, man. It's total 420. That's over where I'm from, man. That's called cushmas, man.

[B]

Oh, it's Christmas.

[C]

Big time celebration.

[B]

What happens in Cushmas?

[C]

So many things. It's just a big festival, man.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

And there. There's reggae music that we've imported from Earth.

[B]

So you have no reggae music?

[C]

I did not know about reggae until I came to Earth, man.

[A]

I'd love to hear a song.

[C]

Oh my gosh. 420.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

What's.

[B]

What's up?

[C]

Oh, I just remembered. Scott.

[B]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Tell us what's going on.

[C]

It's bad, man.

[B]

Oh no. What happened?

[C]

Really, really bad, man. Okay. I can't believe I almost forgot.

[B]

Tell us.

[C]

In trouble, man.

[A]

Man.

[B]

Okay. Oh no.

[C]

Desert Earth sized kush meteor headed towards Kushtopia, man.

[A]

Oh no.

[B]

Oh no.

[C]

It's going to destroy my whole planet.

[B]

Oh no.

[C]

I totally forgot.

[B]

Like a Kushtopia armageddon situation.

[C]

Almost 100% the same.

[B]

Do you have Armageddon? The movie? We've seen it.

[C]

We've seen it.

[B]

The Earth version or.

[C]

Except everything's mostly kush. It's a bunch of of nugs acting on screen. Like that old Thumb wars movie where we just superimpose regular mouth over nugs. And so it looks like a movie, but I totally forgot. The whole world is in danger and it's going to crash on Christmas.

[A]

Scott, you have to do something.

[B]

So wait, this is. Is crashing today? 4:20?

[C]

Oh my gosh. If today's 420, then yes. My doom is impending in moments.

[B]

Okay, well, do you want to get back there or do you want to stay here? I mean, I need some help.

[C]

Look, the problem with the meteor. Yeah, it's mostly kush.

[B]

That's a problem.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

It's so big, right?

[C]

And it's so fast.

[B]

Right.

[C]

It's going to plummet and create great extinction.

[B]

Okay, you one would think it might burn up in the atmosphere and then just kind of like. Well, it's. Everyone would get rid of kush. Okay, it's mostly kush. Oh, okay. What?

[C]

It's just like there's a really extreme magma core of this asteroid.

[B]

Okay, well, good luck.

[C]

Good luck. No, Scott, this is one of your favorite places. You have to help me say this.

[B]

I hate koostopia.

[C]

You like it enough. Look, man, you got so many things and big brains.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Maybe you could help me figure out how are we going to get rid of it.

[B]

Wait, are you. Are you here on our Earth to recruit an Armageddon style team to go up on the asteroids to destroy?

[C]

I need astronauts, man. I need people. Look, I've got a ship. Okay.

[B]

Okay, that's a. I've got a ship.

[C]

It's made of glass. It's called the Illadel. It's nine millimeters thick. Okay. Percolator bubbler.

[B]

It's shaped like a bomb.

[C]

How you know that?

[D]

Under the meteor. You get under the. The meteor.

[B]

The meteor.

[D]

Then it burns up and then you.

[B]

You.

[D]

You have to incinerate the meteor.

[B]

This guy was one of the nerds on Bing bang theory. Yeah, Mr.

[C]

I know. Mr. Bing Bang.

[D]

Mr. Bing Bang.

[B]

Mr.— Bing Bang is someone from Custodia.

[C]

He does all the door noises in Khrushchev. Yes. Wait, so you're saying. Hold on, let me think. Let me smoke real quick.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

No, take your time. There you go. Okay. Now imagine we were all in that. In that.

[B]

In that ship.

[C]

We could have smoked the nug.

[D]

Yeah, you smoked the meteor.

[C]

Scott.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Can you help me smoke the big nug? Coming from my world?

[B]

Look, all of our astronauts, are they still up in space in Artemis? They might be. They might be back by now. But it's 4:20. I think the astronauts, they wanted to come back.

[D]

They wanted to be back for 420. It's also. It's Hitler's birthday too.

[B]

I just.

[C]

We don't have that. We missed that one over there.

[B]

Don't want to bring it up again.

[D]

You should import that.

[B]

But look, I don't know what help I would be necessarily. I mean, am I a natural leader and an alpha dog? Some say.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

We need a big dog at that helms.

[B]

Well, big dog got a bark and

[C]

maybe I should be out there for my man.

[A]

Scott, I'm only catching one or two other words from this guy, but I just want to say to you, you need to help him. The. You need to be his stinky pig. You need to go up there.

[B]

Okay. I mean, yeah, I guess I'll come over to Custopia and you'll come.

[C]

And leave the portal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Just.

[C]

Scott, imagine this. Think of you walking in a space spacesuit.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Looking so cool.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like Ben Affleck at Dunkin Donuts.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Also he was in the movie Armageddon, which I think is what it's parodying.

[C]

Scott, they might write A song about you.

[B]

Yeah. Diane Warren might write us. Although, do you have Diane Warren in Kushtopia?

[C]

People do have Diane. There is war.

[B]

Is that why she's never won the Oscar? Because of those two concepts are so.

[C]

It's so hard to hear.

[D]

It's hard to hear.

[B]

Dying.

[D]

War.

[B]

Warren.

[C]

Yeah, I'm dying. I'm waring.

[A]

Come on, Scott.

[B]

Okay, look, do you want all of

[C]

your favorite guys to die? Cooter the super computer.

[B]

I forgot about

[A]

Cooter the super Computer.

[B]

Look, I don't like Kushtopia all that much, and I don't like the concept of it. And anytime it's brought up on this show, show, I, I, I kind of abhor it. But at the same time, I hate to hear.

[C]

I think the people love it.

[D]

Man, I'm still stuck on Ma. I think you said mouth over nugs at one point. Like when you're talking about the way that, the way Armageddon, the movie is all like, nugs. Mouths over nugs.

[C]

Okay, I can break it down, man. It's totally simple.

[D]

Well, I wasn't asking for more. I'm just.

[C]

Oh, then why bring it up? You're just thinking about it.

[D]

I am.

[B]

You have more I'd like to hear.

[D]

Here's more.

[C]

Well, I was just going to sort of continue to break down how it work. It's like superimposed images of real mouths over nugs that are sort of puppeteered on sets that look like real things. Have you seen Thumb Wars?

[D]

Yeah, I know. No, I, I.

[C]

Where's the confusion?

[D]

No, I'm not. So why do I conf. I'm just thinking. Yes. I just. It's the, it's more of the, the, the visceral feeling I get when I hear mouths over nugs and. You like Thumb Wars.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Really?

[B]

We got him on record. Good.

[C]

Thank you, man.

[D]

No problem.

[C]

I'm glad you're thinking about it.

[D]

Is it making you happy, all those things? I'm thinking and I'm feeling good. Yeah. Thank you.

[C]

The best thing that you can be is thought about.

[B]

And the, the movie cameras.

[A]

That beautiful. I would put that on a pillow. I would put that on.

[B]

I should also think that you being high, these pillows you're thinking of are actually more marketable.

[A]

I've got a good one.

[C]

Tell us.

[A]

And can I have a sip? That water bottle. You stink it a little.

[B]

Okay, maybe I was wrong.

[C]

We almost squeezed it out of it. Yeah, almost. Maybe a couple more tokes. And there's no more pigs.

[B]

Do you have anyone Else in mind for the team. I know Bugs Bunny, when he was here, he was trying to recruit a team for like a crystopia Space Jam.

[A]

Bugs Bunny was here.

[C]

I'm happy to hear you say the word Space Jam. Because when Bugs was here, I was

[B]

not sure if I knew what it

[C]

was on the Space Jam.

[B]

I watched it on Scott, as I see. Yeah, don't worry about it.

[C]

After the fact.

[B]

Can't remember. But, but, but.

[C]

And you saved. You saved Krishtopia once. Scott, you went.

[B]

I don't remember this.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

You saved Kishtopia. You don't you.

[C]

We got together the best sketch comedy team ever.

[B]

And you made good sketches in the Space Jam.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

You.

[C]

Yeah, I think Tim Boltz was involved.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

But. But look, you to need a team. I'm afraid the hidden figures women are no longer with us. Didn't one just pass away recently?

[D]

That sounds right.

[A]

A bit sad.

[C]

We need a leader. We need a numbers guy.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

We need lungs.

[B]

Lungs. What does lungs mean?

[C]

That's the man who smokes.

[B]

Okay, Simon, which of these are you? Are you the numbers guy?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You're a numbers guy.

[D]

Feels like that's the numbers.

[C]

And then we need fire.

[B]

We need fire.

[C]

We need a combustible.

[B]

What about Chip? What's Chip up to?

[A]

We could get Chip out of that concrete, no problem.

[B]

Yeah. Could we set him on fire?

[A]

We could put him him into a cannon. He has been on fire so many times.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That the fire. The firemen don't come anymore.

[B]

They just don't come.

[A]

They just say, you guys deal with it.

[C]

He sounds like a perfect team to me, man.

[B]

Okay. And you're the lungs.

[A]

Heavily. I can suck so much.

[B]

Okay, this is. We're not going to follow up on that. Scott, you need that power.

[A]

You need to be the leader. You need to be like Liv Tyler and Lord of the Rings.

[B]

Okay, Not Liv Tyler in Armageddon who just kind of, what, gave moral support to Ben Affleck?

[D]

You mean the guy from Dunkin Donuts?

[A]

You mean the guy who has a brother?

[B]

A lot of people have brothers. You're gonna have to be more specific.

[C]

I mean, it's their numbers. Do they crunch?

[B]

Yeah. Do they? Do they crunch, Simon?

[D]

They crunch.

[C]

Yeah, but he said he's not impressed. The nug before it hits and ruins. The Kush. The Kushma special.

[D]

If we. If we approach it just right.

[B]

Yeah. If the numbers line up, then it should work, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Look, if the 20 Cushmas celebrations doesn't get to happen and my World is destroyed, what is left?

[B]

Tragedy, I guess. What do you mean? What is.

[A]

I'm crying.

[C]

It's like I'm actually asking, like, a. It's a philosophical question that I don't have the answer.

[B]

It's a great tragedy. I mean, it's what happened to the dinosaurs when the. The meteor.

[C]

I don't want to be like a dinosaur.

[A]

Scott, you need to take a hit because you are not there with us, and we are.

[B]

Stop putting it in my. Okay, final.

[D]

Take a hit.

[A]

That was so small.

[C]

He's ripping fat man.

[A]

Now he's. Now there he goes.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ. God, this is strong.

[C]

It's really good strain, man.

[B]

It's. It's good for custopia, which means it's even. This is the strongest pot I've ever had.

[C]

Yeah. This strain's called Inside Out. Your head, man. Oh, yeah, man.

[B]

Oh, no. I'm seeing all the characters from Inside Out. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yay.

[B]

Yeah. Aubrey Plaza, Amy Parler, Mindy Kaling for one movie. Yeah.

[A]

Phyllis from the Office.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Isn't it funny how she was a casting director and then she got put in there? So that's the dream.

[A]

That is the dream.

[C]

Oh, my God, man. All right, well, what are we even saying, man?

[B]

I don't know, man.

[D]

What were we going to do?

[C]

What are we talking about, y'?

[D]

All?

[A]

I want to make you Texas tacos. I want to make you a whole platter.

[D]

You have tacos with the butter tacos.

[A]

I've got so much butter in my purse. I'm going to. I'm going to make you all.

[B]

Oh, your. Your purse is dripping.

[A]

I'm going to make y' all a bunch of butter tacos.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And that. And you have any of the. The double raw milk, the one that was the diarrhea, then it's diarrhea, then his milk again.

[A]

This the raw milk?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I've got some heating up in the car. I'll bring in.

[C]

Oh, good.

[B]

Oh, wait.

[C]

No. The freaking asteroid, man.

[A]

Oh, fuck.

[C]

They were being soaked, chill and baked.

[B]

I don't think I can do any of that.

[C]

No, man.

[B]

Wait, Simon, are the numbers still lining up?

[D]

Are they not looking as good as they were before? But wait. Whoa, wait. Oh, okay. No, they're crunching again.

[B]

They're crunching again.

[D]

They're crunching again.

[B]

Okay, we could do this, then.

[C]

Are you gonna save a sky? Are you gonna stop that rock? Save Kushtokia? It's mostly you made of good.

[B]

All right, all right. I. I don't. I don't want to lose my world. You have more.

[C]

We got a token plays I'm noticing

[B]

about four paragraphs there.

[C]

Save Ktopia.

[B]

Look, I've never.

[C]

They write those songs about you, man.

[B]

I've never cared for Kushtopia, but I'm in, man. We got to do this, Guys, are we in? Call him, Chip. Get him out of the cement.

[A]

I'm calling Chip.

[C]

Four way high five. On three.

[B]

One, two, three. Wow. All right, we're all gonna get there. How do we get to the portal again?

[C]

Well, the portal is open. I call my warlock, and then we go through the portal, and then we'll have to take a spaceship from Crystopia up into space into the asteroid.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[A]

I'm gonna warn you guys right now, I get a little space sick.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Have you been to space?

[A]

Oh, yeah. I went with Jeff Bezos and all those ladies.

[B]

Oh, yeah, with Katy Perry and everyone.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

What was up with that flower? What was that? With Katy Perry holding that flower?

[B]

Flower, yeah. What was up with that?

[A]

She was just being funny.

[B]

She's so funny and silly.

[A]

She's so funny and silly and rich.

[B]

All right, well, let's do it all. Yeah. What?

[C]

I'm eternally grateful.

[B]

What time is the asteroids supposed to hit?

[C]

420 on the D. 420 on the

[B]

D. All right, let's get. Can we get through the rest of the show? Is that all right?

[C]

If you promise to help me, man, I'll fucking riff up and fucking joke.

[B]

Promise. I'm not going to. When I sober up, I'm not going to renege on the promise. Okay. All right.

[C]

That's really cool.

[B]

All right, well, let's. You know, we're running out of time, and even though we're high as there really is only time for one final feature on the show, and that's a little something called plugs. Oh, this rules.

[D]

Oh,

[B]

that sounds so good.

[C]

I can feel it in my toes.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That was awesome. That was Live Laugh Plug by Kev Mealy.

[A]

Talk about it come and go.

[B]

Did you have an orgasm during that?

[A]

Did I. Oh, God, I'm all wet.

[B]

Oh, no, that's the butter from your purse.

[D]

That's the rawr. Milk.

[A]

Oh, sorry.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

What are we plugging, guys? Simon, obviously, obviously we're going to Kushtopia to save.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And the numbers are lining up and crunching and.

[D]

Yeah, everything's crunch.

[C]

The data is sound.

[B]

The data sound. Okay, but then you had a show or something, right?

[D]

Yes, I have a show called the Audacity. I'm going to. And I have the Audacity to plug the Audacity on AMC and amc.

[B]

Yeah. And if you're two episodes are already out and you can watch them both on amc, and while you're there, you could watch your episode of Comedy Bang Bang, which is only on AMC for some reason.

[D]

Fantastic. Well, you only want to be on

[B]

amc plus very specific streaming service.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But it's great. It's on AMC on Sunday nights. Fantastic cast and great stories and anything else going on that you want to plug.

[D]

That's at the top of the list now.

[B]

So I'm shot up to the top.

[D]

Happy to get that out there.

[A]

All right.

[B]

And Joe, Hannah Goins, anything you want to plug?

[A]

Well, you know, I want to plug my husband, Chip.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I want to plug him up real good. I want to plug Sagnilia Farms. We are doing a new thing where we're putting smoothies in people's heads, like,

[B]

implanting them, like a chip or something. So it's like a computer chip that makes you feel like you just had a smoothie.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Oh, that rules.

[A]

It's a nice alternative to a GLP1.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It just makes you feel like you had a smoothie. They.

[B]

That's rules. That's so awesome.

[A]

And obviously, we're doing raw dog milk.

[D]

Uhhuh.

[A]

And then I'd like to plug CBB World, Scott.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh. I listen to it a couple times, and it was okay.

[B]

Oh, great. Are there shows on there that you like?

[A]

This book changed my life. Hey, Randy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Going deep.

[B]

Yeah. All the. Yeah.

[A]

And the other ones are good, too.

[B]

Oh, that's so good. Yeah. All right. Everyone should listen to those. Okay, Mr. Toots, where do you want to play?

[C]

Oh, man. Just remember, friendship is key, and getting together with friends is really key. And being buddies and that sort of energy can, like, push you through hell.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, also pay attention to the Big 420 Cushmas Christmas. The Big 420 Cushmas special coming out on CBB World.

[B]

Oh, that's. How is that out today? You better believe it, baby. And what is it?

[C]

It's called Mr. Deuce Wild Ride in the train. A dude dude. It's going all over Kushtopia, so you get to see it, man.

[B]

And it's a special four release.

[C]

That's what I'm being told.

[B]

All right, awesome. Well, look, I want to plug. Hey, Comedy Bang Bang. We're going out on tour. The ground beefing tour. 2026 is starting next week. So a week from today is when it starts. We're going to so many places and this is just the first half of the tour that we've announced. But this is the. We're going to the Midwest and then to the south and then to the east Coast. So a lot of places you're going to want to get tickets because it starts next week. No, it doesn't start next week. What am I talking about? It starts next month.

[C]

You're all up in the head, man.

[A]

You are so hot.

[C]

You're drilled, man.

[B]

Dude, it starts in May, not in April. What am I thinking?

[A]

Crazy Scott, put down the nail gun, please. You're looking like Chad.

[B]

Oh no. It starts in a month anyway, get tickets for it. They're [e-mail] tour and you could. Paul F. Tompkins and I are going to every date and it's a group of rotating the CBB All Stars. Even though Lily Sullivan will not be there this year. That was my request.

[A]

Now why in the would she not be there?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't. She's got weird shit going on in her personal life but she can't come

[A]

say sorry to hear that.

[B]

Yeah, but go, go get tickets and while you're there, check out CBB World. There's so many great shows. The entire archive of comedy Bang Bang ad free. As well as every live episode we've ever done. As well as a other shows like the aforementioned hey Randy in this book and Collegetown Neighborhood list and so much stuff going on over there. All right, let us close up the old plug bag. I want to close the bag, baby step on in. I want to close it tight.

[C]

You know the way to win.

[B]

I want to close that bag. I want to make it right. So just close that bag, hold those last. Put things in it cuz it's so open fast. And if you don't want that kiss we chat. That's how we open the bag and everybody sings.

[C]

Open the bag with a wrinkling and now you know.

[B]

All right, that was great. That was closing the Bag. Lapkas doo wop by Dr. Fart Dart I thought it was really good and then I had to say all of that and I don't like it anymore. But thank you so much. If you have a plug theme, head over to cbbworld.com plugs you can upload them there and find everything you need for the remixes. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Simon. Welcome to the One Timers club, buddy.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

I hope you never leave.

[D]

I'll never see you again.

[B]

Although we are going to go somewhere together very soon.

[D]

That's true.

[B]

Johanna, wonderful to have you on the show.

[A]

You know, let me just say, it was like eating a rooster being here. It was absolutely. I was kicking my boots into my own ass. Oh, wow. It was such a fun time. Thank you.

[B]

Okay, and then Mr. Toots.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

What do we got to do? You're calling your warlock or what's happening?

[C]

Let's get into this puddle, man.

[B]

I gotta say, you know what? I don't know that I have time for this, actually. I'm gonna save a sky.

[C]

Are you gonna stop?

[B]

I'm actually having second thoughts about this because we can't. We can't start another thread of that. We have to follow up on in future episodes, like the Crisis and like the. The. Oh, sorry. The Covenant of the Tonys.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I'm not trying to stress you out, buddy.

[B]

My bad. I'm just saying, like, I don't.

[A]

Come on, Scott.

[B]

I feel like I'm sobering up. I don't know that I have time.

[C]

You know, if you're not going to save Kushtopia, then I will. And I'll do it with all of my friends. Bunbuster, Berry Ball, Cooter the Super computer, Marty motorcycle, RJ Dougley, the executioner, Mr. Toots again, Bugs Bunny, Rusty, Hawkeye stufferford, and Mr. Toots at third time.

[B]

Okay, you guys. You guys can do this.

[C]

I think we got it.

[B]

Okay, great.

[C]

Portal open.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Is that a pig?

[B]

Oh, my God. He went through the portal. Oh, this is amazing.

[D]

It's so quiet.

[B]

It's so quiet now. Yeah, Mr. Toots is no longer with us.

[D]

You can say Mr. Toots without toot. Toot. Toot.

[B]

Toot. Toot. Okay, he ran back in. All right, all right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.

[A]

Hey, it's Kelly Ripa.

[B]

And if you don't.

[A]

If you don't know, I have a

[B]

podcast where I get to say whatever I want. Hold on, Let me get a shovel

[A]

and a body bag.

[B]

I envision doing a podcast with the conversations that happen in my dressing room off camera, where people feel free to talk. No hair, no makeup. This is my kind of job. Only Kelly Reaper can ask me these questions. I'm flipping the script and saying what's really on my mind.

[C]

We're seeing a different side of you.

[D]

It's a little bit more honest.

[B]

When. When the cameras go off, the real fun begins. Get my hair done.

[A]

Over here.

[B]

Hey, this is an off camera podcast, so it doesn't even matter. It's unfiltered conversations and unexpected confessions.

[D]

My mom says, woody, I knew your dad.

[A]

Stop the presses. I would like to volunteer to administer any and all DNA tests.

[B]

Maybe that should be part of the show.

[A]

Let's talk off camera with me, Kelly Ripa.

[D]

You just put that in the universe.

[A]

Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts.

[B]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

[A]

You ever wake up at like 3am

[B]

and your bed is just warm for no reason?

[A]

Like, suddenly you're flipping your pillow, rotating

[B]

like a rotisserie chicken, trying to find one cool spot that disappears immediately. At that point, you've kicked off the covers, adjusted the fan, and maybe accepted your fate.

[A]

And that's why Coop Sleepgoods made their cooling collection, designed to stay cool all night, not just for the first five minutes.

[B]

And right now, it's 20% off, so you can retire the whole flip the pillow 47 times routine. Coops pillows are adjustable, breathable, and made to help keep things cool while you sleep. Plus, they have sheets and toppers so your whole setup can chill out. If your bed's been been running a little warm, this is your moment.

[A]

Go to coopsleepgoods.com comedy that's C-O-O-P sleepgoods.com

[B]

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