Malt Shop Dementia (Jason Mantzoukas, Andy Daly, Paul F. Tompkins)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "Malt Shop Dementia" (Ep. 950)

Date: January 26, 2026
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Jason Mantzoukas, Andy Daly (as Ben Alterman), Paul F. Tompkins (as Bing Lujo)
Theme: Celebrating podcast longevity and nostalgia, with eccentric characters, offbeat anecdotes, and comically meandering reminiscences on old age, memory, and the bittersweet passage of time.

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Episode Overview

This episode marks a major milestone for Comedy Bang Bang: 950 episodes and (unofficially) 16+ years on the air. Scott Aukerman is joined by regular Jason Mantzoukas and returning character guests Ben Alterman (Andy Daly) and Bing Lujo (Paul F. Tompkins), both playing elderly oddballs with dubious memories, milestone memoirs, and deep connections to malt shops, classic rock, and the tangled web of pop-culture trivia. Later, the episode dives further into nostalgia territory as additional beloved CBB characters (Original Fig, Neptuna, Hot Dog) make cameo appearances.

Tone: Zany, nostalgic, surreal, relentlessly playful.

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Main Discussion Highlights

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Opening Banter & Milestone Reflections

• Catchphrase Submission

  • [01:25] Scott opens with the catchphrase: “My enemy's enemy is my friend and my enema's enemy is a big rear end.” Jason and Scott riff on the logic of enemas and anatomy, immediately setting a tone for convoluted, bodily humor.

• Episode & Show Anniversary

  • [04:18] They self-referentially celebrate the “five year anniversary of a very special day”—the recording of episode 688.
  • Jason: “Isn’t it crazy how time flies like that?” [04:45]
  • Jason calculates the endless runtime of 950 episodes, sparking math confusion that becomes a running gag.

• Podcast Longevity

  • Scott jokes about “passing the show on” and chirps at rival podcasters:
    “Sometimes they unlock the gates and walk away, leaving the whole thing wide open. Anybody could walk in and start a podcast.” [09:09]

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Guests Introduced: Ben Alterman & Bing Lujo

• Ben Alterman

  • [10:02] Returns as an impossibly old former guest, obsessed with Coen Brother’s trivia and strange semi-historical anecdotes.

• Bing Lujo

  • [13:47] Introduced as a malt shop owner with a convoluted mnemonic street name and an enduring relationship with 1950s nostalgia (“Bing Cujo”).

• Running Joke: Both characters are hard of hearing, hard to understand, and often talk past each other or get caught in miscommunications ([17:01]).

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Absurd Reminiscence: Malt Shop & Mortality

• Compulsory Dread Zeppelin Documentary

  • [07:11] Running bit: once you turn 50, you must watch the Dread Zeppelin documentary yearly (“it just starts playing”), and the obligation multiplies with each decade.

• Bing’s Guest/Deathbed

  • [16:54] Bing plans to write his memoir on his “guest bed,” which is also his “deathbed.” Explanation descends into farcical semantics about when a bed becomes a deathbed and how many deaths/brusque guests it must host.

  • Jason: “Mattress companies are missing a huge opportunity to sell deathbeds specifically.” [18:53]

• The Logistics of Dying in the Right Place

  • Scott: “Should you take your bed everywhere as my point?” [22:53]
  • Bing: “That seems impractical. ...But I wish there was a bed everywhere I went.” [22:54]

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Old Age, Memory, & Memoir (Satirized)

• Ben’s Memoir

  • [38:41, 64:24] The group probes Ben’s thousand-page memoir, "Now and Ben." Most of the book is padded with unremarkable details—a list of buttery preferences, bread types, old emails ([69:01]).

    • Ben: “There’s a whole thing in there about different kinds of bread.” [71:33]
    • Scott: “Your book sounds shitty.” [72:02]

  • Ben repeatedly reveals lurid, outlandish stories (marrying Martha Raye, Queen Elizabeth, Mahatma Gandhi; training John Paul II to box) that are not in the book, further lampooning unreliable memory and self-importance.

  • Jason: “How has this not come up? And how is this not in the book?” [75:49]

• Satirical History

  • Ben claims to have “fought the Jerrys” (meaning a kid named Jerry, not the Germans in WWII), and to have gone on the first Malt Shop Memories cruise in 1956, which devolved into rock and Legionnaire’s disease ([39:43], [47:00]).

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Malt Shop Memories, Jukebox Lore & Santa Claus

• Malt Shop Trivia

  • Bing’s “Bing Lujo’s Malt Shop” draws crowds for its winter festivities, eggnog malts, and a contest that pits ice cream against Santa—kids can only have one ([26:48]).

    • “If the kids vote ice cream, they don’t get presents. If they vote presents, they don’t get ice cream.” [26:48]

  • Jukebox Gags:

    • Regular, mini, and tiny jukeboxes in each booth (“for the mice” [41:48]).
    • Reference to “Teeny Fonzie” and the mythos of who "put the bop in the bop shoo bop" as an unsolved cold case ([53:03]).

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Character Cross-Talk, Callbacks & Recurring Bits

• Malt Shop Dementia

  • [89:43] Hot Dog (another recurring CBB character) is summoned, revealed to have “malt shop dementia”—a comic take on memory loss, nostalgia, and the disintegration of shared boomer/Gen-X cultural touchstones.

• True Crime & Sha Na Na

  • The group uncovers (live, on air) the true crime saga of a Sha Na Na band member identity being assumed by a child killer—information that stuns everyone and is suggested as fodder for a true crime podcast.
    • “This is incredible. How has this not been made into a movie?” [100:13]

• Plug Bag Antics

  • Typical Comedy Bang Bang “Plugs” time with increasingly absurd personal projects, including:
    • Percy Jackson on Disney+ (Jason)
    • Bing’s plug for “malted milk” and “Whoppers” ([104:42])
    • Ben’s memoir, available nowhere except Alibaba (the “Chinese Amazon”) ([105:05])
    • Hot Dog’s “Sunglass Nut” store ([105:12])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Enemas, Rear Ends & Opening Salvos

• Scott: “My enemy's enemy is my friend and my enema's enemy is a big rear end.” [01:25]
• Jason: “I would think an enema would enjoy a big rear end because that would seem easier…” [01:43]

Podcast Longevity

• Scott: “Comedy Bang Bang is a ground beefing podcast that has been around now for almost 17 years... We won't quit, that's our new catch.” [08:47]
• Jason: “Unlike other podcasts. You gotta pass the show on to a new home.” [09:00]

On Old Age & Memory

• Ben: “You wouldn't have had a female Cooper. You wouldn't. It makes me mad.” [19:56]
• Bing: “My guest bed is a deathbed.” [16:58]

Absurd Memoir Content

• Scott: “It seems to me like you could have left out some of the stuff... it’s not all that interesting.” [71:22]
• Jason: “How has this not come up? And how is this not in the book?” [75:49]

On the Book

• Scott: “Your book sounds shitty.” [72:02]

Historical Whoopsies

• Ben: “There was a boy named Jerry and we all took turns taking a pop at him because the war was on.” [39:51]
• Ben: “I was married to Mahatma Gandhi.” [81:54]
• Ben: “And I regret to this day shooting him.” [82:43]

Meta and Plug Gags

• Jason (on Ben’s memoir): “But there is quite a bit of just unanswered emails in the book.” [78:00]
• Ben: “Now and Ben. Available for pre order on Alibaba.” [105:05]

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Key Segments & Timestamps

• [01:25] – Opening catchphrase, “enemy’s enemy is my enema’s enemy”
• [03:06] – Jason joins, reminiscing on early episodes and podcast anniversaries
• [05:13] – 950th episode milestone banter
• [10:02] – Introduction of Ben Alterman (Andy Daly)
• [13:47] – Introduction of Bing Lujo (Paul F. Tompkins)
• [15:15] – Compulsory Dread Zeppelin documentary joke begins
• [16:54] – Bing’s memoir and “deathbed” logic
• [18:53] – "Deathbed" mattress sales and coffin bed invention riff
• [29:52] – Ben’s “backpack briefcase deathbed” invention pitch
• [38:41] – Ben's memoir discussed and ridiculed
• [41:48] – Mouse-sized jukeboxes and “Teeny Fonzie”
• [47:00] – Ben declares he hates rock & roll, Malt Shop Memories Cruise
• [53:03] – Cold case: "who put the bop in the bop shoo bop"
• [64:24] – Discussion of book formats; Ben insists on titanium hardback
• [69:01] – On mixing paint and licking molten lead in the “good old days”
• [72:02] – Scott: “Your book sounds shitty.”
• [75:49] – Jason: How is this not in the book?”
• [81:54] – Ben: "I was married to Mahatma Gandhi."
• [89:43] – Hot Dog returns, afflicted with “malt shop dementia”
• [100:13] – The Sha Na Na child-killer saga and true crime podcast idea
• [102:47] – Plugs: Jason promotes Percy Jackson; Ben, Alibaba memoir

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Memorable Cameos

• Hot Dog (Ben Schwartz): Drops in to comically forget all past “malt shop” experiences due to “malt shop dementia.”
• Original Fig, Neptuna (recurring CBB characters): Arrive to riff on true crime podcasts, dementia, and the ongoing saga of Sha Na Na.

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Takeaways

• Aging & Nostalgia: The episode lovingly lampoons the way personal legends, history, and the passage of time become tangled and exaggerated as we age.
• Satire of Memoirs: Through Ben’s padded, contentless memoir, the show mocks the solipsism and banality that can fill celebrity and elderly reminiscences.
• Malt Shops as Memory Palaces: The recurring motif of malt shops, jukeboxes, and forced nostalgia illustrates a generational longing for a fictive, simpler past.
• Surreal Continuity: True to Comedy Bang Bang’s longstanding format, the show blurs the lines between improv, character work, and podcast lore.
• Enduring Absurdity: Even after 950 episodes, the show’s format—part game, part nonsense, part meta—remains as unpredictably inventive (and juvenile) as ever.

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Final Remark

“Comedy Bang Bang is a ground beefing podcast that has been around now for almost 17 years. … We won’t quit, that’s our new catch.”
– Scott Aukerman [08:47]

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This episode is essential listening for fans of absurdist improv, surreal nostalgia, and those who want to hear the CBB players at the peak of their game. Even if you haven’t listened before, it’s a hilarious, freewheeling ride through fake history, fake memoirs, and the real joys of comic invention.

Transcript

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[Jason Manzoukas]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

My enemy's enemy is my friend and my enema's enemy is a big rear end. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Danny Beef Bottom. Danny Beef Bottom. For that catchphrase submission submitted, I would think the.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I would think. I want to hear what you think.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I would think the opposite. I would.

[Scott Aukerman]

You would think Beef Bottom. Danny.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I would think an enema. I would think an enema would enjoy a big rear end because that would seem easier. A small question for the Pushing small rear end for an enema Might be hard getting it in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

You think? Yeah. Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

In terms of friend or enemy for the enema.

[Scott Aukerman]

So enemas go in but stuff comes out. So you have a pass through situation.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sure. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like the Roach Motel.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sorry, what's that?

[Bing Lujo]

Jimmy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jimmy's back. Like Roach Motel.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, like the Roach Motel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because roaches check in but they don't check out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Exactly. Well, that would be alarming.

[Scott Aukerman]

The animal goes in and stays in.

[Jason Manzoukas]

If I put stuff in and it doesn't come out.

[Scott Aukerman]

It depends on the size. Okay, I guess so. Shimmy.

[Ben Alterman]

Gotta go.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I figured you had to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, man, it was great to see him.

[Scott Aukerman]

So good to see in the new year. Come on, come on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

First shimmy sighting of the new year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shimmy appearance of the New year. I want to thank Danny Beef Bottom. We're only taking new catchphrase submissions, by the way. Submitted in 2026. This was submitted on January 6th.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's my favorite.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's my 2026.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's my favorite kind of bo boat tour.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boat tour? Yeah. Bo tour or boat tour.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Isn't that a. Isn't that a break bottom?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what that means.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What is a break, Danny? Break bottom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beef bottom. What? He makes the rocket work. Go round. Hey, shimmy's back.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Gotta go shimmy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And you heard him here not moments ago co hosting with me for this episode. He's an old, old friend of ours. Been on the show since the year one, which I believe was. Was that a Jack Black movie?

[Jason Manzoukas]

It was, yeah, it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mike, Sarah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I, I did a frantic joke punch up roundtable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why was it so frantic? Because the, the, because you're a stealing joke.

[Jason Manzoukas]

There was frantic.

[Scott Aukerman]

The. Roman Polanski.

[Jason Manzoukas]

There was a WGA strike happening and Roman Polanski was only able to punch up.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's very respectful of all of the rules.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, they were so crazy that they weren't going to be able to do jokes and punch up on set that they had like two days of joke punch up and the movie did not work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So are any of your jokes in year one?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I can't imagine they are.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you never saw it?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't think so.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Did you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott hasn't seen. We should do that together.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, thank you. But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We. We're here, of course, on a very special episode.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So special.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is of course the five year anniversary of a very special day. It is that we're. We're recording this on a very special day. This was when we recorded Comedy bang bang episode 688. Yeah. Five years ago on the day that we're recording.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine? Five years later we would, we would record just. I'm trying to do the math here. 262 more episodes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So crazy. It's so crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't it crazy how time flies like that?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because I remember like, like I remember where I was when I heard that 688 was being recorded.

[Scott Aukerman]

Being recorded. Not released.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Not really recorded. Recorded. And people were like, have you seen the news? And I was like, what? What's going on? They were like, it's chaos today.

[Scott Aukerman]

688 was recorded today.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They're in the middle of it and I heard it's nuts.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was incredible. We had bean dip on the show. Others classic. An incredible episode. And so that's a very special Anniversary. We're recording.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Congrats.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also, it's episode 950, but you heard him not moments ago. Please welcome to the show. Back to the show, Jason Manzoukas.

[Ben Alterman]

Wow. Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

950. How does it feel? 950. Let's just say 950 episodes at at least two hours per app, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, but I mean, how much?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, like some are way longer. An hour and a half, Maybe an hour.

[Scott Aukerman]

Say on average an hour and a half.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So an hour. Okay. It would have been easier to do it with two hours each. It would have.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But say it was two hours. That. That is 1900 hours.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's so long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Divide that by four. 1900 divided by four. Because we're taking half an hour out of that now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're not remembering like four. For example, your 10th anniversary was a.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a 10 hour episode. But that, that doesn't juke the stats all that much. Because when you do.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I want to ju those stats, bro. I'm a stat juker.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a stat joker. We always said that about him. Jason Manukas, of course, is here. You know him from such shows as Percy Jackson and. Or the Olympians. Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And. Or the Olympians. Yes, absolutely. These little kids, they got.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes they run around without the Olympians. They're like, I need a day off from these Olympians.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yep. And I just want to run around and be a normal kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

No Olympians, hopscotch, the rest.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Other activities.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Other kids do normal stuff. Normal kids do without cyclops or minotaurs or giants.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're both over 50. We have no idea what kids do. Of course we're over 50. We recently just re. Watched the A Song of Hope, the Dread Zeppelin documentary.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what? It's, it's, it's a once a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Once a year thing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Everybody knows once you're over 50, once a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

We talked about it last time.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It just starts playing and you have to watch it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't watch it until you're 50. But we didn't talk about the wrinkle of once you are 50, you have to watch it once, once a year.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And it's not. You don't get to opt in. It just starts playing.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it's a lot like you two's album that goes right to your phone, just wherever you are in the world.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

A year elapses after you're 50. It just starts playing somewhere.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When you guys talked to them for the podcast, Dread Zeppelin. No, you too?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Were you like, what the Fuck is up with that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Strange that I've talked to you two before I talked to Dread Zeppelin.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now this is the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Access to YouTube was easier than Dread Zeppelin.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That. That you are able to reach out and touch the edge before Tortelvis is absolutely insane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but Dread Zeppelin has not reached out ever since we talked about them about a year ago on this program.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I can't imagine why, even though I'm certain. I am certain. We are driving quite a few people to their YouTube page. Traffic to the YouTube page where this documentary is free to watch if you're 50. If you're 50.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Only if you're 50. If you. I would imagine. I'm assuming if you're not even yet.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't think it'll even play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. You just get code 404. 404.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Code chord for.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is code 404 the hardest phrase to say in the English language? I think it's error, but that's even harder. One would.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, you just like stroked out for a brief moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Brief mom. But yes, we. We just rewatched it and so much. So many more details.

[Ben Alterman]

It's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It rewards a re.

[Bing Lujo]

Watch.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I will say that. And in. And. And I don't mind saying I want there to be a director's cut. There's.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wouldn't mind that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

There's certainly stuff that was left on the cutting room floor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Has the director's cut ever been shorter? Where they're like, you know what I would have taken?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I would have. The studio made me keep those scenes. I would love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, Comedy Bang Bang is a ground beefing podcast that has been around now for almost 17 years. And of course, Comedy Bang Gang. We won't quit. That's our new catch.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is. Congrats. And I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Unlike other podcast hosts. Unlike other podcasts. Yeah, Other podcast hosts. By the way, who cares if they quit, you know, but you know, you gotta pass the show on to a new home.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sometimes they unlock the gates and walk away, leaving the whole thing wide open. Anybody could walk in and start a podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Yeah. I wonder. God, just at least give away your. What is that thing that cats. No, you know, whatever it is. Where your source code or whatever.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't even know source code. Give away your source code.

[Scott Aukerman]

What am I trying to say? What's the.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What are you trying to. Like the. The. For the podcast?

[Scott Aukerman]

The URL or whatever it is. What do you call that thing? Oh, there he is.

[Ben Alterman]

And blood simple. Director's cut was shorter than the theatrical.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. Okay, we've got. We've got a Cohen breaker.

[Ben Alterman]

I was able to hold my tongue.

[Scott Aukerman]

For one, but not two, not two. Well, look, Jason, we gotta introduce holy. Our guests because they're already talking.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And the guest. The guest entered not even as the guest I love.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, let's talk to this guy.

[Ben Alterman]

He is sorry, you don't have to introduce me.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, no, no.

[Ben Alterman]

I didn't want to put myself into it before die, but I had to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Say I'm so intrigued by this because I did not know that there was a director's cut of blood Simple.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes. And the Coen brothers said, we're doing a director's cut. Everybody makes their directors cut so much longer than the theatrical release. Let' shorter. They wanted to be different.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And do you know what did they cut?

[Ben Alterman]

They cut it in general, all of the blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? So it makes it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It does make it simple.

[Ben Alterman]

It's much simpler to watch it now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, let's talk to him. He, of course, we all remember him from episode 46 of this program back in Holy March of 100 episodes ago. Only four episodes ago.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's only been thousands of hours since we've caught up with this person.

[Ben Alterman]

Checked in about every couple of months saying, I'm available. I'd love you come back tech avail.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we were tech unavailed to have you.

[Ben Alterman]

I guess so. But I said I'll come back with Garland if that's the issue.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're on with Jeff Garland. That's right. Of the. What was that family name that he was. The Goldbergs, of course.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Bing Lujo]

The Goldberg.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of course. The.

[Scott Aukerman]

The wither.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The Goldberg. It only lasted a short nine season.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think. What was it in real time, like, Bill Maher? Was it like, you know, where like. Like Club Random, the end of the show was. Yeah, exactly where they got high every episode.

[Bing Lujo]

Wait, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where it ended up in the 90s. You know what I'm saying? Where.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Where, like the Goldbergs. Does it take us all the way to the. Into the era of the 90s? Yes, I believe so. And wasn't there, I believe, a spinoff where a Goldberg goes to college?

[Ben Alterman]

There was a television show called the Goldbergs in the 1950s. It was a different show, but it really was a show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also said in the 1980s. Yes.

[Ben Alterman]

You'Re into the 80s than the later Goldberg's was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you watch that Goldberg show and they'll have like, you know, they'll be doing sound cues from, like 1981 and 1988. Like, they're happening at the same time.

[Ben Alterman]

Sweaters they never would have had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. On people, media literacy. This is what we want to talk about with our guest here today. He, of course, was on episode 46, wow. Of this program. And we're checking in.

[Ben Alterman]

I really haven't been back since then.

[Scott Aukerman]

You swung by in episode 300, I believe.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, swung by meaning you, I think, ran right through the room. Out of window.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jumped out a window, I believe, in episode 300. Just a brief, brief moment.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A very brief appearance.

[Ben Alterman]

I did, you know, I sprained my ankle on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, on the ankle? On the. On the window.

[Ben Alterman]

Going out the window. I sprained my ankle.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, for a man of your age, that can be quite difficult. Quite difficult.

[Ben Alterman]

No, it was easy to sprain it, but difficult to recover.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, I had an Ace bandage.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Nice.

[Ben Alterman]

And that was helpful.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

And also a bag of frozen peas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Ace Ventura involved in Ace bandages at all? Like, did he ever do some sort of, like, sponsorship deal or anything like that?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, it would have been a good idea, Scott. Good luck finding an Ace bandage. Nowadays, they don't sell them.

[Scott Aukerman]

So from the window to the walls till the sweat drips down his balls. Here he is again. Ben Alterman is back.

[Ben Alterman]

Wait a minute. What was that? Is that my catchphrase?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, because you were at the window.

[Ben Alterman]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your ankle.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, wonderful. From the wall in the window. And here come my balls. Ben Alderman. I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ben Alderman.

[Ben Alterman]

I've got a memoir. I've written a book about my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

We definitely want to hear about that, but we want to introduce our next guest as well.

[Ben Alterman]

Me again?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, not you twice.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we want to bring on our other guest here. He. I don't know if he's a memoirist at all, but I do know he runs a malt shop. Please welcome back to the show, Bing Lujo.

[Bing Lujo]

Hi, Scott. Good to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So good to see you.

[Bing Lujo]

Thanks for having me on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, we all know your name, because as discussed previously on this show, if we want to remember your name, we have to think about back in 1986 or 1985, when the movie Cujo came out, if you wanted to figure out.

[Bing Lujo]

Showtimes, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you wanted to find showtimes for Cujo, you would. Bing Cujo. And then you just think about that, but then take off the little part of the sea. So it's being.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When would you do this?

[Scott Aukerman]

When. If you're trying to remember his.

[Bing Lujo]

Trying to remember my name. I don't think it's it's, you know, no disrespect. I think it's the most streamlined.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Mnemonic that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can I tell you how I remember it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Just because I. It is a. It's a unique name. It's a name you don't come across very often. Bing. I just remember as Bing Crosby, of course. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Old Rocking Bing himself.

[Bing Lujo]

Famous crooner.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That crooner, Bing Crosby. Because that, to me, is always the front of mind. And then for me, he was the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dread Zeppelin of, say, the 30s and 40s for sure.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, Dread Zeppelin. Well, I remember Ping.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You like Dread Zeppelin?

[Bing Lujo]

I remember watching that documentary so long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ago, it was compulsory.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How old are you, Bing?

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, I'm up there. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're 30 years or so past Dread Zeppelin age.

[Bing Lujo]

Something like that.

[Ben Alterman]

I've watched that movie now 44 times.

[Scott Aukerman]

How old are you? You're 94, Ben.

[Ben Alterman]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So we have a couple of septuagenari. No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, no, if he's 94, he's not a septuagint.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I guess not. What? I guess not. Oxygen. Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

The thing is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But he is a generic.

[Bing Lujo]

The older you get, every. Every 10 years after 50, you gotta watch it the same number of times as that. You already watched the first number in. In your age. Oh, whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So when you turn 60, you have to watch it six times.

[Bing Lujo]

That's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Six times a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Six times in a row.

[Bing Lujo]

Six times in a row.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Bing Lujo]

Then when you turn 70, you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

To watch it seven times in a row.

[Bing Lujo]

No, you also got to watch it from the six times. It keeps adding up.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you have to watch it 13.

[Bing Lujo]

You got to watch it five times for 50.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Bing Lujo]

Then six times for 60, then seven times for 70. They keep adding the numbers.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So it's cumulative.

[Bing Lujo]

It's cumulative. Like the cloud.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. So. So you're telling me that Ben here at 90 is watching it some 30 sometimes.

[Bing Lujo]

Once you hear 80, you gotta just keep watching it the first time.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's the only thing that plays. You turn on the Internet, it's the only thing that plays.

[Bing Lujo]

No, I mean, you can watch other things, but you gotta watch that afterwards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ben Alterman]

The first time I saw it, There was no YouTube and there was no Dread Zeppelin.

[Bing Lujo]

It's confusing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Whoa. Now that's interesting.

[Ben Alterman]

I'm telling you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So, Ben, you are a memoirist. And. Bing, are you also a memoirist?

[Bing Lujo]

I have not yet written my life story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, but you. You do have plans, too.

[Bing Lujo]

I'm gonna do it on my guest bed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I Think that's smart?

[Bing Lujo]

Because I want to have.

[Ben Alterman]

Get your guest bed or deathbed.

[Bing Lujo]

My guest bed is a death.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the unfortunate side effect of having two people who are hard of hearing on the show, by the way.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Hard of hearing and difficult to understand, both of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

And very similar.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think this is going to be a deeply clarified episode.

[Bing Lujo]

Have I really mistaken.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. We love you big.

[Ben Alterman]

Have I made a mistake?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Ben.

[Bing Lujo]

All right, now you would not have made a mistake. You were here first.

[Ben Alterman]

No, no, no. Do you tell people when they come to stay with you, the guest bed is a deathbed?

[Bing Lujo]

I. Well, I say it's my deathbed.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, I see.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But do you tell them that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because. Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

But because I'm alive, they have nothing to fear.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're gonna move into the guest bedroom?

[Bing Lujo]

When I feel it coming, yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But wait, no, but if someone is visiting. If you have somebody visiting and they want to use the guest bedroom, I would say it would be off put. I hope you're comfortable here. I hope you get a nice, restful night's sleep. Just so you know, I will be dying in this bed in the future.

[Bing Lujo]

I tell them when they're leaving.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, okay, then.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's a good one.

[Bing Lujo]

I say, how was the bed? And they say, oh, that's very comfortable. And I said, that's really here because I'm gonna die on it now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you superstitious? Will you not get into the bed until you're ready to like that bed? Like if something happened in your bedroom.

[Bing Lujo]

It'S gotta be special.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you even test it out in the bed showcase room? The floor?

[Bing Lujo]

No, I had somebody else test it out. A dying friend of mine.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Y. It's a unique work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone we know.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's a unique case. You. You want it to work for when you're dying.

[Ben Alterman]

Did someone have to die in the bed before it becomes a deathbed?

[Bing Lujo]

I think. I think you only have to be. I think you got to go all the way. Yeah. Because you can be dying and be in the deathbed.

[Ben Alterman]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

But if you get out of it, it's not a deathbed anymore.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think math.

[Bing Lujo]

Dying and you get up for a glass of water.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Bing Lujo]

And you die when you're getting the glass.

[Ben Alterman]

I've outlived three deathbeds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Mattress companies are missing a huge opportunity to sell deathbeds specifically.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It comes in the size of a coffin. Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Comes the size of a coffin. And the ability. A single push button to record your final words. Wow.

[Bing Lujo]

Why would it come in the size of a coffee?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I was saying that mini refrigerator, how mattresses used to come back in 2016, remember?

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

A mini coffin.

[Bing Lujo]

It arrives, it comes in the size of a coffin and it expands to be a bed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But it is shaped like a coffin regardless.

[Ben Alterman]

Of course, I've outlived the Cooper who made my coffee. Coffin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Cooper.

[Ben Alterman]

I hired a Cooper to make a coffin.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's been a long time since I've heard that job.

[Ben Alterman]

I may have outlived the final Cooper. Yeah, he may have been the last Cooper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it D.B. cooper by any chance? Or was it hanging with Mr. Was it Bradley?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Was it Bradley Cooper?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah, it sounds familiar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting. That Bradley Cooper. If our last names truly are a reflection of what our ancestors did for a living. Yeah, his great, great, great, great, great great great grandfather or grandmother made coffins.

[Ben Alterman]

You wouldn't have had a female Culper. You wouldn't. It makes me mad.

[Bing Lujo]

You wouldn't add a Cooperix.

[Ben Alterman]

You would not Cooperix a Cooper Cupras. Never.

[Bing Lujo]

I outlived the luthier that made my guitar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ben, what would happen if. If someone's staying with you. I'm not Ben, but I'm talking to him.

[Bing Lujo]

Why were you looking at me?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because both of their names starting with B is also not help.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ping. What would happen if a friend of yours is staying for like a long weekend? Like President's Day or something like that, right? Oh, it's like.

[Bing Lujo]

Or Vampire Weekend.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Vampire.

[Bing Lujo]

When is that, by the way?

[Ben Alterman]

When is Vampire Weekend?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's strange because you would think it would be in October and.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And apparently it's no longer a national holiday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. But say someone's staying with you for like a nice four day stint, right? And then suddenly you feel it coming on.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you eject them? Do you evict them?

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, I would. I would say as nicely as possible, I'm going to need you to vacate the bed and change the linens.

[Scott Aukerman]

And change the linens?

[Bing Lujo]

Well, I mean, come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you change the linens when they leave or do you make your guests change the linens before they go?

[Bing Lujo]

I. I change the linens when they leave. But if. If I'm dying, then I got to ask them to do it because I'm probably not in great shape.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask you a question?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Binge. How close have you ever been to getting into the bed? Or if at all, you know, has there ever been a time where you're like, this is it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you have one foot in or one foot in the bed?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I should have gotta get into the bed.

[Ben Alterman]

Have you ever been struggling to put on a fitted sheet and fall into the bed?

[Bing Lujo]

That's the situation is that I almost fell on the bed.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, boy.

[Bing Lujo]

And my heart stopped. And I thought, wouldn't it be funny if I died of fright because I almost fell in the deathbed and then I died.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. And that simply would be because you yourself have created such a myth around the bed.

[Bing Lujo]

Well, it's not a myth. I'm gonna die.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of course we're all gonna die.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we know, though.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, now, that's interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

As James L. Brooks once asked America.

[Bing Lujo]

My family has always been very aware of death and when it's coming. And I remember my grandfather, when he clenched his death, he crawled under the porch to die.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, wait, so, so you could be, though, hit by a bus and decapitated or something like that. Wait a minute. But you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How hit by a bus and decapitated?

[Scott Aukerman]

It happens.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Ben Alterman]

Some buses have very sharp blades on the front, Jason.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a bicycle is on the front or something like that.

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, when we were kids. When we were kids, the buses used to have cow catchers on them.

[Ben Alterman]

Sure, they did catch the cows on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you would. You would suddenly be dead in an instant, but you wouldn't be near your bed.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, I would be sad about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You would, wouldn't you? I mean, it seems like a missed.

[Bing Lujo]

Opportunity, but I feel like you had a point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should you take your bed everywhere is my point.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, I see. That seems impractical.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

But I wish there was a bed everywhere I went.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about what? Why can't they make a backpack bed so you carry it on your back?

[Bing Lujo]

Like a back sleeping bag?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, this, you could just take a camping inflatable mattress, a backpack deathbed, where.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're hit by like. Like airbags in your car, if you're hit by something, please take this to Shark tank. It suddenly expands and you lie on it, dead at the moment of impact. Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Mr. Wonderful would be all in on this.

[Bing Lujo]

They'd have to guarantee it. Oh, you mean the actor.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes, the actor. Mr. Wonder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, the Academy Award. Academy, I'm assuming.

[Ben Alterman]

What are you talking about?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm also. I'm pretty sure he and his wife decapitated someone in a boat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Allegedly. Tank.

[Ben Alterman]

Shark Tank. I haven't seen it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now we're talking about a TV program, not an actual shark tank.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, I haven't seen that. Either.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you've never seen a shark tank in real life?

[Ben Alterman]

Nora, Never in my life. Where would I go to see a shark tank?

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're talking aquarium or something?

[Scott Aukerman]

James Bond villains lair.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you not spend much time near the water?

[Ben Alterman]

I don't go anywhere near the water.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's interesting. It's interesting because a lot of guys we know spend a ton of time in the water.

[Ben Alterman]

Forget it. No, you know, you can. If you fall in the water, you can't breathe that stuff. Do you know that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, it's true. It's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, you'll drown.

[Ben Alterman]

I've got a lot of information about the Coen brothers.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And is this part of your memoir?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, it's all in the memoir.

[Scott Aukerman]

We want to talk about the memoir. Of course. I want to go back to being losing.

[Bing Lujo]

Wait, I had a question for Ben.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, of course.

[Bing Lujo]

Which one is Joel and which one is Ethan?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, so the one of them is named Joel and the other guy is named Ethan, and then that's how you know. Thank you.

[Bing Lujo]

And what was your question?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Bing. What's going on at the malt shop these days?

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, the mall shop. Well, you know, because we just had the holidays and everybody comes in for the eggnog malt.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you decorate? Is it like. This has got to be your big time of the year.

[Bing Lujo]

It's gotta be my big winter of the year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big time for malt shops.

[Bing Lujo]

People love the malt shop in the wintertime. And so we put. We put all the decorations up. We have Santa Claus, car.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa Claus comes. The. The real guy, or.

[Bing Lujo]

What do you mean, a real guy?

[Ben Alterman]

The real shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

The real Santa Claus. He's been on the show multiple times.

[Bing Lujo]

What are you talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

We also have soup to Claus. Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Bowl, bowl, bowl.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think he says, little kids, you.

[Ben Alterman]

Don'T believe in Santa Claus.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is surprising.

[Bing Lujo]

Hey, do you believe in Santa Claus?

[Ben Alterman]

Certainly I do. Every Christmas he brings me wonderful presents.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did he bring you this year?

[Ben Alterman]

An electric vest.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How does that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what that means.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Meaning what?

[Ben Alterman]

You charge it up overnight and then you can wear it out and you don't get cold.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, it's like a warming.

[Ben Alterman]

It's a warming vest, but it works on a battery. And it has a 93 chance of bursting into flame.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, that's quite a high. The percentage on that is massive.

[Ben Alterman]

At my age, it's worth the risk.

[Bing Lujo]

Although, 7% chance it won't. And seven is a lucky number.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, sure it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Six, seven, nothing. Bing. I'm guessing at your name. Bing Ben. Bing Ben. Bing Ben.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, you ever go to London?

[Ben Alterman]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that in the memoir? We'll get to them.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Parliament.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll definitely get to the memoir at. At a certain point. So. So you. All the decorations are up, right?

[Jason Manzoukas]

The malted. And when Santa comes, like, is it.

[Ben Alterman]

Is it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Does he, like, what are kids more.

[Scott Aukerman]

Excited about, ice cream or Santa?

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's what I was gonna ask.

[Bing Lujo]

What. What we do is we have a contest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Same wavelength.

[Bing Lujo]

We have a contest every year. Which do you like more?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

And if the kids vote ice cream, they don't get presents.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

But if they vote presents, they don't get ice cream. Ice cream.

[Bing Lujo]

That's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So it's a. It's a one.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a lady in the tiger situation.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sophie's Choice keeps them honest, you know.

[Bing Lujo]

So they can't say, every year, oh, we like presents more. So we're gonna vote for presents. We're gonna vote for Santa. So every. Every. Every year, they make that choice and it's tough.

[Ben Alterman]

Do they not then get ice cream for the whole year?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Can you imagine a year without ice cream?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Or a year without present cousins?

[Ben Alterman]

Or a year without Santa Claus?

[Bing Lujo]

What was there a year without a Santa Claus?

[Ben Alterman]

There was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Which year was that? It was like, 19.

[Ben Alterman]

I want to say 68.

[Scott Aukerman]

Something like that.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

It was very turbulent time.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, it wasn't that he was afraid of being assassin.

[Jason Manzoukas]

There's, like, a lot.

[Ben Alterman]

They were credible threats.

[Bing Lujo]

That's when.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's when Santa Claus went into Haight Ashbury and didn't come out for two years.

[Ben Alterman]

He burned his draft card.

[Scott Aukerman]

Man, I would love.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He was.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would have loved to see him in Nam.

[Bing Lujo]

That would be crazy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wasn't he in Santa Claus? Wasn't he in Blind Faith for a while?

[Ben Alterman]

I think that's right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Bing, how do people. How do the kids vote?

[Ben Alterman]

Are you talking to me?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Your name's Ben.

[Ben Alterman]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Bing, how do the kids vote on this? Is this with voting machines like the Bing with the Dominion voting systems or anything like that?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you trying to get sued?

[Bing Lujo]

It is a secret ballot.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, nice.

[Bing Lujo]

And all the kids, they write it down on a piece of paper and they drop it in a box.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like a good system. And who tallies this? The Price Waterhouse team.

[Bing Lujo]

We have. Yes. The Pricewaterhouse team. It's the same guys. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love those guys. Anytime they introduce them. So fun.

[Bing Lujo]

They carry a briefcase. They don't need it.

[Ben Alterman]

Which one is Price and which one is Waterhouse?

[Bing Lujo]

The one whose name Price is Price and then the Waterhouse is the other one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think Jonathan Price and Suki Waterhouse, isn't it?

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's definitely them. Do you think that people are still carrying traditional briefcases?

[Scott Aukerman]

I wonder? That's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is that still a.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you saw a guy carrying a briefcase, you'd be like, is this. Are you Halloween? Are you dressed up as a businessman for Halloween?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, it just seems like they would be very limited in size.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know how like suitcases now they have roller wheels.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, like do briefcase. Briefcases should have roller wheels, don't you think?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I agree. Let's do that. That. Because.

[Bing Lujo]

Are you saying the briefcase should have.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A long telescoping handle and still be very nice? High end leather, leather wheels. Le handle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Just gorgeous. You have monogrammed initial.

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, if the handles long enough, can it. Can it fit back in the briefcase?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wonder.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because they're hollow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You can definitely. You can use carbon fiber to make it. My bet would be.

[Ben Alterman]

I'll tell you what I'm going to bring to a shark tank is a briefcase that has straps and you could wear it on your back. But it is a hard briefcase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hard on either side and it has a deathbed inside. Is that what you naturally.

[Ben Alterman]

And you got to be handcuffed to the handle.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Yes. Like the nuclear football or whatever.

[Ben Alterman]

Precisely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is the president.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Why is it a football?

[Scott Aukerman]

I know.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Why is it a football?

[Ben Alterman]

Because like a football, it goes wherever the president goes. Oh, right. That's in the memoir.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's in the memoir.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How many presidents have you met, Ben?

[Ben Alterman]

Okay. Presidents of what? The United States.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'll open it up of anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pta.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, well, hundreds. Hundreds.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Ben Alterman]

Of presidents of all. So that may be less.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let's limit it then.

[Ben Alterman]

Chambers of commerce, Elks Lodges, Book clubs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Poison Girls Clubs of America.

[Ben Alterman]

Poison Girls Clubs of America. Isn't that what you said?

[Scott Aukerman]

I did not. But now I'm interested. I want to know you become president of a Poison Girl.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Poison Girls Club.

[Ben Alterman]

I certainly have met the president of the Poison Girl.

[Bing Lujo]

Was it one of the Little Rascals?

[Jason Manzoukas]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was. Was this a club where they poisoned girls or it was a club for girls who have been.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, yeah, that's what I would like to know as well.

[Ben Alterman]

No, no, no. It was specifically a club of men talking about girls who are poison.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That girl is.

[Ben Alterman]

Is poison. That. Well, that particular girl was poisoned. And then There were others because.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And I think, as the text tells us, never trust a big butt and.

[Ben Alterman]

A smile unless you're an enema.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you trust a big butt and a smile, you might be an enema.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I call back. You were not present for.

[Ben Alterman]

Wasn't I. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're going to get to that memoir in a second here.

[Ben Alterman]

The president of the United States just won Eisenhower. Oh, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just one, Ike.

[Ben Alterman]

All the one I met.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You liked it.

[Ben Alterman]

I. No, I didn't care for. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, why did you meet him then?

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, that explains that button.

[Ben Alterman]

What?

[Bing Lujo]

That explains that button you're wearing.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, I don't care for. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should just change it to I don't like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't care for Ike.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, in those days, we didn't curse, but I have an idol.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought it was a ice button, but it was actually. It's Ike.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah. I think that when it says ice, it's a misspelling, isn't it? They mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I, I. Yeah, they do.

[Ben Alterman]

I walked in on him taking a.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Crap in a public bear in a public service. The Secret Service allowed you that access. How do you know it was a crap?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he announce you walked into the.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Stall or the bathroom?

[Ben Alterman]

I walked into the stall in a public bathroom mid dump. He was. He said, excuse me. I said, excuse me. And then I walked out and I said, God damn it. That was Ike.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was this in the middle of his presidency?

[Ben Alterman]

It was at a roller rink in San Diego.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he was literally a sitting president at that point. These are the jokes that we made.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a life. What a life lived.

[Ben Alterman]

Or me or Ike.

[Scott Aukerman]

Either.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I guess I can. I'm gonna assume that that is in the memoir.

[Ben Alterman]

I actually know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Maybe in the paperback.

[Ben Alterman]

I guess maybe it is a good story.

[Bing Lujo]

Damn it.

[Ben Alterman]

I forgot to put.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, if that's the kind of stuff that's not in the memoir, we definitely want to hear what is.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you know what?

[Bing Lujo]

Is there any paperback edition of a book that's shorter than the hardcover?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah, probably the novelization of Blood Symbol.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They took out chapter seven first.

[Bing Lujo]

It was a hardback novelization, naturally.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, we do want to hear about this memoir. So tell you what, we're going to take a break, but when we come back, Ben Alterman, who I'm looking at right now, is this older gentleman, will be telling us about his memoir. Meanwhile, this older gentleman I'm looking at, Bing Luzhou, is going to tell us about his mall chop and other things that are going on. We'll have like, sort of a contest, like the ice cream or Santa contest to figure out who's more interesting and who we like better.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, is that what we're doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I really want to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I just want to say I'm enjoying both of you and I don't think it's a compromise.

[Ben Alterman]

Equally.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Equally. Yeah. I'm having a great time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Learning more about Bing. It's been years since I've seen Ben.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's been. Yeah, it's been. I mean, this is fantastic. 16 years. 16 years.

[Ben Alterman]

There's no way to calculate it other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Than, I guess, take 20, 26 minus 2010.

[Ben Alterman]

Something like that. You'd have to do. Yeah, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that's. Who can do that kind of math?

[Ben Alterman]

It's hard to imagine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ye. Well, tell you what, let's take a break. When we come back, I want to hear all about the memoir, Ben and Bing. I want to hear other things about other things. We're going to take a break. Jason, you'll be here. My second favorite. Jm Right underneath Jersey mics.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of course, of course. Of course. You love it Mike's way.

[Bing Lujo]

Are you a Junjin master?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Am I a Junjin master? Yeah. I'm not a Jun master.

[Bing Lujo]

You never played Jun.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Listen, I. I played.

[Scott Aukerman]

That works with Bing Lujo and his strange speech affectation. Tell you what, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more binglogio, more Ben Alderman, more jm. We're going to be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just beginning or ready to grow your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help help your business stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, premium workshops. So much stuff. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Ben Alterman]

Choose to show up.

[Scott Aukerman]

With the bold styling of the Mazda CX30.

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[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Jason Manzoukas is here, of course, from Taskmaster season 19, I believe. And season 20 is just around the corner.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Season 21 coming soon with Kumail.

[Scott Aukerman]

Our good friend Kumail is in. Nary a mention of that when he was on the show back in December, but very excited keeping that secret. He kept it tight. Close to the vest.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He kept it tight. The enemy's enemy.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we also have our good friend, Bing Lujo from Where's.

[Bing Lujo]

Thank you for calling me a good friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course. I value you as a friend.

[Bing Lujo]

Thank you. I value you as a friend too. You're a very nice man.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is your shop called again?

[Bing Lujo]

It's called Bing Lujo's shop.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And where is it located?

[Bing Lujo]

On the corner.

[Scott Aukerman]

On the corner, right. And we also have Ben Alterman, who's an elderly.

[Ben Alterman]

Another elderly, but not a good friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I haven't seen you since episode 46.

[Ben Alterman]

You know, what does that matter? What does that matter? You have don't see somebody for a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, sometimes it's like, how do you chip? You know, like you just slip it back on.

[Ben Alterman]

That's me. I'm a comfortable pair of pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

You really are. Ben. We haven't seen you in 16 years. So much life has happened to you. Is that what the memoir. Is that what it deals with exclusively.

[Ben Alterman]

Is just those 16 years the day.

[Scott Aukerman]

After you did Comedy Bang Bang until now?

[Ben Alterman]

No, but I did print all of the emails of me checking in with you and then left a blank page after each one to symbolize the lack of a response.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that pads the book out.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, I suppose it does.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, you've lived. I will say you've lived. Lived through so much, so much of interesting time.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're 94 years.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're 94 years old.

[Ben Alterman]

No, no. 94 years old. You're wrong, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. 94 years old. You were born in 1931 or 30.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, to look at the world now compared to then when you were, you know, have had just the radio to listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were a preteen during World War II.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, that's right. But it didn't stop me from fighting the Jerrys.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Really?

[Ben Alterman]

Absolutely.

[Bing Lujo]

How.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? You did your part, I'm sure. How did you.

[Ben Alterman]

I fought Jerry. I was 10 years old.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, hang on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You don't mean the Germans. You mean a kid named Jerry.

[Ben Alterman]

There was a boy named Jerry and we all took turns taking a pop at him because the war was on.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to remember, okay.

[Ben Alterman]

And nobody liked Jerry. I fought the hell out of him.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Ben Alterman]

You better believe I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'm trying to think of the world events that have been around. So you've been around since 1930? World War II.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Rock and roll, you know, I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

There'S so much Santa Claus almost going to Vietnam.

[Ben Alterman]

I remember that. Boy, I hated that rock and roll.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Thank God. Really?

[Ben Alterman]

That's dead. That was a real fad there for a little while.

[Scott Aukerman]

You would have been 25 or so.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When it would have been right in your sweet spot.

[Ben Alterman]

I didn't care for it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's your. What. What music did you. Were you a fan of.

[Ben Alterman]

We used to have a guy, Goodman.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay. The clarinet player.

[Ben Alterman]

He had. Yes. An orchestra would go out there and they play the songs and you could dance to it. I mean, you could get a girl.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like a moonlight serenade, kind of something like that.

[Bing Lujo]

See, I. I like the rock and roll because of the mall shop.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, memory.

[Ben Alterman]

You ever go on the Mall Chop Memories cruise across the Gulf of America?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you know about the Mall Chop memories?

[Jason Manzoukas]

And away we go.

[Bing Lujo]

I. You know what? I. I've heard of it. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

I.

[Bing Lujo]

Of course I've heard of it, but I. I don't. I don't go on it because I'm at a malt shop already.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, you don't need your.

[Bing Lujo]

I don't need the memories. It's the present for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't. Where you eat.

[Ben Alterman]

I went on that mulch memories cruise. Why would you do rock and roll?

[Jason Manzoukas]

It was nothing but rock and roll. What did you think it was going to be? I feel like that is the. The quickest.

[Ben Alterman]

I thought it would be gentlemen and ladies sitting around talking about malt shops.

[Scott Aukerman]

They remember their memories of them, of course, but instead it was bands like. I'm trying to think of who would be on the Mall Chop Memories.

[Ben Alterman]

Don't Ask me. I don't like that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I just. Out of curiosity, in your malt shop, is there a jukebox that seems synonymous with a.

[Bing Lujo]

We have a big jukebox. We also have the little jukeboxes at every booth.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Boy. And then we have such a treat.

[Bing Lujo]

There's a teeny, tiny jukebox that. That you have to find under the counter.

[Scott Aukerman]

You look. So is that for. Is that for, like, the mice? Nobody.

[Bing Lujo]

Nobody's ever found it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

You know, people make. People make those little elf doors that they put at the base of a tree. We made a functioning jukebox. Tiny mouse s. Is it a functional jukebox?

[Scott Aukerman]

It works.

[Ben Alterman]

How do you need to use a little pin to press tiny vinyl teeny.

[Bing Lujo]

Coins that could put in. Unless if you're a Teeny Fonzie, you could hit it and it probably would go, oh, wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Has Teeny Fonzie ever come in?

[Bing Lujo]

Not. I mean, how would I know?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I guess you're right.

[Bing Lujo]

Unless I heard the tiny jukebox.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think Teeny Fonzie changed his name at Ellis island from Constantina Fonzolini.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, wait, wait. Try it it again. Try it again.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think Teeny Fonzie changed his name at Ellis island from Constantina Fonzellelli.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You want a third try?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Ben Alterman]

You know, they've got his teeny leather jacket at the teeny Smithsonian. Yeah, good luck finding either one.

[Bing Lujo]

It's called a Smithsonian Net, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Malta Memories cruise. 2020. 2026 lineup has been announced.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let's go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, we have Wayne Newton.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wayne Newton. Okay, okay.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, remember when he was at the mall shop?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The Temptations.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is a malt shop memory.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Temptations were. I don't know that that's a malt.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Shop band, but I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

But hey, look. Herman's Hermits starring Peter Noon.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Peter Noon. Still alive, still rocking those hermits. You know what I gotta say, if they're going on the cruise, they're not hermits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what I mean? Like, they're too much. They're too public.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They should be hard to find. You should have to go up into the wood to see Herman's Hermit booked.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they don't show up. We're hermits.

[Bing Lujo]

A friend of mine was recently backstage at a. At a show. And at the venue, they had slides of all the upcoming shows. And one of them was Peter Nunes. Herman's Hermits. And there was a picture of Peter Noon. And then behind him, like, four shadows.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Whoa.

[Ben Alterman]

No promises as to who precisely Will be the hermit.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. The hermits are ghosts.

[Ben Alterman]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. So then who's Herman? Who?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, Herman's the possessive. It's Herman's Hermits.

[Ben Alterman]

Peter is Herman?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think so. The hermit.

[Bing Lujo]

No, I think Peter's wanted a hermit.

[Ben Alterman]

Peter's a hermit.

[Bing Lujo]

I think that Herman commands the hermits to go out. That's why he can get him out there.

[Scott Aukerman]

So like through massive.

[Bing Lujo]

Because they would prefer to stay at home.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Peter Nunes. Herman's Hermits is double possessive. And that's up.

[Ben Alterman]

It's like a Ruth Chris.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ben, you know about Ruth's Chris?

[Ben Alterman]

Jinx. Buy me a sirloin steak.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll meet you at Ruth's. All right, we have the Archies in the cufflinks under the street lamp. A conversation with Priscilla Presley.

[Bing Lujo]

Hold on a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

One conversation.

[Bing Lujo]

What's under the street lamp?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I wonder. It must be a street lamp tribute act.

[Bing Lujo]

Maybe we saw some Mars.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

December 63rd. A Four Seasons tribute.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay. These are all tribute acts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you know what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I do not Conversation.

[Scott Aukerman]

A conversation.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it a. About Naked Gun?

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I. That's the conversation I would have if I were moderating.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would just steer it into all Naked Gun talk.

[Bing Lujo]

I think. I think the conversation might be like, hey, when you got married to Elvis, that was fucked up, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because you were 14. Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

I wonder if they'll catch on that decided that. That you could go home to the United States under the care of Elvis. That was up, right?

[Bing Lujo]

When you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What is more up? That or the lifelong time spent in the Church of Scientology?

[Ben Alterman]

Is she one?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes, Priscilla, I believe so.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you know what? What I do not see here on the lineup is a band that I. I thought was going to be there. Shana, do you know. Do you remember this band?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of course I remember Shana. We've spoken with a guest multiple times about Shanana who's been trying to get in the band. Didn't we find out that they have retired from touring?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me look up their website and see if there's anything. Shananaw.com. your connection is not private.

[Bing Lujo]

Get out of there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get out of there. I'm off. I'm off.

[Ben Alterman]

They're gonna collect information.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I hope you don't get an error.

[Scott Aukerman]

404.

[Ben Alterman]

Have you been to Dread Zeppelin's website lately? It is not maintained.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, the. Okay. It's mail.shaunana.com.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. M A L E. Oh, they have a.

[Scott Aukerman]

They have a big announcement here. Let it be known. Oh, Shannon will no Longer tour as a concert group.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, this is what we read last year. We read this exact thing last year.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. So I should not be surprised they're not on the mall.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. I think this is what we.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long ago did you go on the Mall Shop Memories cruise?

[Ben Alterman]

I've been on the Mall Shop Memories cruise. I was on the very first one, which was 1956.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So that was Memorial Memories.

[Ben Alterman]

Very fresh memories. And then I went on it again just a couple of years ago, and I thought this, you know, I see. This time it'll be like a real. It will just sit around and talk about.

[Scott Aukerman]

So even back in 1956, the first one, it was. It was all 50s bands.

[Ben Alterman]

I. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rock and roll bands.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, everyone on the ship got legionnaires.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, that's tough. How many hours into the cruise?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, somehow I guess we showed up with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh, wow.

[Ben Alterman]

Because it was instantaneous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone back then kind of had.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, everybody.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You get it.

[Ben Alterman]

Lingers in the Spy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

You know, part of the conversation with Priscilla Presley might be that she got Jordan Ayers disease.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Bing Lujo]

Because.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because. Because of her husband's affiliation.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. He's too close to the Jordan heirs.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this last time you went on, what year was it?

[Ben Alterman]

It was. Let's see, what year is it now?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's 2026.

[Ben Alterman]

So it was two less than that bands.

[Scott Aukerman]

So 2024 was there. The band Sha On. Do you know who we're talking about?

[Ben Alterman]

I don't. I don't care for this rock and roll.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you remember a guy fitting his fist into his mouth?

[Ben Alterman]

I've known many people over the years who could do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many?

[Ben Alterman]

28. 28 different guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are good.

[Ben Alterman]

I mean, all in the memoir. It's all in the memoir.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is in the memoir. We're going to talk about this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This makes to 28 men you knew.

[Ben Alterman]

Who could fit their fist at all. I didn't say men. Some of them are ladies fit their.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Fists in their mout. Mike Shitting story did not make it into the movie.

[Ben Alterman]

Some of them are married couples where her fish can go in his and his and hers.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's how you know it's true love.

[Bing Lujo]

Is one of the ladies Martha Ray?

[Ben Alterman]

The big mouth, beautiful Martha Ray? You know, I was married to her for three and a half years. It's not in the memoir.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were married to Martha Ray of the. Was it the dentine commercials?

[Bing Lujo]

Well, but she did for dentures.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dentures, Denture cream. Denture cream. We were both wrong.

[Bing Lujo]

Were you married to her before or after the denture cream?

[Ben Alterman]

Long before. 14 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. How old were you?

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is very old.

[Ben Alterman]

It was quite common. It's very old. I was 39.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, gosh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You know, she was born in 1916 and you were born in 1930.

[Ben Alterman]

I hope she wasn't lying to me about her age.

[Bing Lujo]

What a vain woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lying to say you're 16.

[Bing Lujo]

14.

[Scott Aukerman]

14, right.

[Bing Lujo]

It's a lady's prerogative.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You never ask. Yeah, you never ask.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a life.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I was. I'm talking to Bing.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, but you're looking at me.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. What a life. Have you ever thought, Bing, that you would write a memoir at some point? I mean, I know we talked about it a little bit, but I mean like, do you feel like that is. I mean everybody. Maybe I'll write my memoir or something like that. But do you feel like you've lived enough of a life or you waited waiting for that next chapter?

[Bing Lujo]

I thought about it, but then, you know the, the title Malt up Memories got stolen from me. Oh, what am I supposed to do? It's a perfect name for my book, but I can't.

[Ben Alterman]

How about this? Mall chop Memories. The book, not the boat.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Ben Alterman]

Has anyone ever got engaged at your mall shopping?

[Scott Aukerman]

We.

[Bing Lujo]

We've had. We've had a number of engagements. We've had a few divorces where people said we would like to finalize our divorce here.

[Ben Alterman]

Finalize it. Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not even an initiated. No.

[Bing Lujo]

They said this is where we met. This is where we fell in love. This is also where we fell out of love.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh wow. So a real three act structure for. For the malt shop.

[Ben Alterman]

Do they bring down a notary?

[Bing Lujo]

Oh yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

I was a notary for eight years in the 90s.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kidding.

[Ben Alterman]

That's in the memoir.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's in the memoir.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's the wildest thing you notarized?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, it was mostly escrow documents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So pretty, pretty standard stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

So nothing interesting, but this is. It made the memoir.

[Ben Alterman]

It's in the memoir.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, so it sounds like maybe not a good chapter.

[Ben Alterman]

I've got a partial list of all of this home sales in the escrow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. So once again, I would not even the full list.

[Ben Alterman]

I couldn't find them all.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Only eight years. I mean.

[Bing Lujo]

Hey, Bing. Bing, let me ask you a question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait a minute. You're Bing.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're Bing. He's Ben Bing.

[Bing Lujo]

Do you get to when you stop being a notary, do you get to keep the stuff stamp.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah, you do get to keep the stamp, but you're not allowed to use it. Never again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Ben Alterman]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta, we gotta spitball alternate titles for Bing's okay book here. Let's see. We can't use mall shop memories. But what else have you done, Bing? What else would be in the, in the book? Do you have hobbies that would primarily take up a lot of real estate in the book or.

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, I, I, I like the mulch shop.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like. Okay, that's where you work.

[Bing Lujo]

I like making.

[Scott Aukerman]

And your wife died recently, right?

[Bing Lujo]

My wife died yesterday.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yesterday. Oh, Bing, I'm so sorry.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, it's okay.

[Ben Alterman]

He's a wife of how many years?

[Bing Lujo]

We were married for 51 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, now the last, last time you were on, your wife had died the day before as well.

[Bing Lujo]

That can't be so.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, wow. Marriage has seen the Zeppelin documentary.

[Bing Lujo]

That was our 50. Our 50th anniversary, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Bing Lujo]

But yeah, you know, you get to a certain age, it doesn't. Death is like, you know, it just happens to everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. We'll see you soon.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, that's the, that's the gift for the anniversary. Like it's paper, it's gold, whatever. And at 50, I think it is documentary.

[Ben Alterman]

And then at 50, one dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

So did, did like, what else do you like to do in your life? The malt shop. Of course. We talked about that shop.

[Bing Lujo]

I like to make mods. I like to drink mods.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Maybe that's enough. Maybe.

[Bing Lujo]

Well, I like jukeboxes. Oh, that's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, maybe, maybe, maybe a title about jukeboxes, like who Put the Juke in the Bob Shab?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sure, I'd buy that book.

[Bing Lujo]

You know, they never found out.

[Ben Alterman]

Really?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

They have no idea.

[Bing Lujo]

They have no idea who Put the bop in the bop.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a cold case.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, this, this, this is the kind of thing that a documentary could solve.

[Bing Lujo]

The two most famous cold cases. Jack the Ripper and who Put the Bop in the Bop Dwarf.

[Ben Alterman]

Wow. Don't juke my box. How about that?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I like that. Ben is just coming in hot with spitball titles. I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Don't Juke my.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't Juke My Box.

[Ben Alterman]

Don't juke my box. I know the stories from the malt shop.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, that's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that, Wait, is that a story?

[Bing Lujo]

So I first have to tell a story of when my box got juked or not.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you have any? Not to do you have anything that fits gets that.

[Bing Lujo]

I'm trying to think. Did anybody?

[Ben Alterman]

Because it's like.

[Scott Aukerman]

It would be a.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's great if that could be your catchphrase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, don't juke my back end of the stories.

[Bing Lujo]

What?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow. Are you doing a big loser impression?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did I say that it was me?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Actually.

[Ben Alterman]

I tell you what, I don't really know what juking is. Come to think of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's make a sham move to mislead an opponent.

[Ben Alterman]

You're kidding me.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Shimmy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Shimmy. Somebody called me. No, no, we said gotta go.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sorry. Wow.

[Bing Lujo]

Who would that.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's. He's a musician who's been lost on my property for now since COVID.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A great guy and always able to give us information that we needed just right in that moment. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he played with what band? I'm trying to remember. The band that I Wonder played with. Oh, yeah. Talent. Hey, Jimmy. They haven't seen you in five years though. You haven't played with them, right? We had a fall now. Creative differences.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, you should put. Maybe. Maybe Bing Townland could have a. An album in your jukebox.

[Bing Lujo]

You know what? We. We. We one time had live performance in the mall shop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who was it? Was it. It wasn't this band that's not performing. Performing any longer, is it?

[Bing Lujo]

What, Wayne Newton?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Wayne Newton actually is performing. He's on the mall shop.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you mean Shannon?

[Scott Aukerman]

Shana? Oh, yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

It was not. It was not a whole group, but it was one guy. Looked like a 1950s guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

He had a real big mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. It wasn't Martha Ray.

[Bing Lujo]

It was. She wouldn't drink a malt because she said, I got stuck in a dentist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Is that ringing any bells for you?

[Ben Alterman]

You bet it is. She never had teeth this episode.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This episode.

[Bing Lujo]

They never grew in.

[Ben Alterman]

Nope.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Neither baby nor adult.

[Ben Alterman]

She never had teeth from the day she was born.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just a toothless, toothless monster.

[Ben Alterman]

No, she was a delightful lady and.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Still somehow became the Martha Ray that we all know and love. And all the little listeners, of course, know who Martha Ray is.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's Ray with an E, by the way.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's amazing that we heightened from Dread Zeppelin to Martha Ray.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're getting older.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They're getting more and more.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is someone who was born in 1916.

[Bing Lujo]

Who wants to talk about Orson Bean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Holy. So, yeah. Who. So this guy came over and he.

[Bing Lujo]

Performed at your greasy hair and a big mouth. And this.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Jason. This is John Bowser Bauman.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It does sound like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this John Bowser Bauman.

[Bing Lujo]

I don't remember his name. He had a black T shirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it rolled up?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Was it rolled up initially? Pompadour.

[Bing Lujo]

It was sort of just like slicked back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he have the biggest muscles you'd ever seen?

[Bing Lujo]

Huge muscles.

[Ben Alterman]

Was he extremely active in democratic politics?

[Bing Lujo]

He extremely active in democratic politics? I recall he went on to host Match Games.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this is. He was a. Or a guest on the Match Game part of it.

[Bing Lujo]

He would have been like Orson Bean. He would have been a guest on there with Charles Nelson Riley, Gary Bergoff, Fanny Flag Summers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was he center square? No, he was the host.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wayland Flowers of Madam.

[Bing Lujo]

Wayland Flowers of Madam.

[Scott Aukerman]

Orson Bean.

[Bing Lujo]

I said him.

[Scott Aukerman]

George Plimpton.

[Jason Manzoukas]

George Plimpton from The Paris Review.

[Bing Lujo]

McLean Stevenson.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Captain Stubing.

[Bing Lujo]

No, that's. Of course, that's Gavin McLeod.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, Gavin McLeod. Thank you. McLean Stevenson from MASH.

[Bing Lujo]

Fred Grandy Lauren, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you remember anything about that?

[Bing Lujo]

Bernie Copel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you remember anything of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader? Do you remember any. Do you remember anything about that night?

[Bing Lujo]

Simmons, The Mandrell Sisters.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you remember anything about the performance? That John Bowser Bauman.

[Bing Lujo]

I remember he said, I don't usually do this alone.

[Ben Alterman]

What was he.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What was he gonna do?

[Scott Aukerman]

What did he understand? This was his.

[Bing Lujo]

Before his performance. And then he would just be silent for a while and shuffle around, and then every once in a while go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

He just did his usual part of a group performance.

[Bing Lujo]

You know what? It was pretty entertaining, I gotta say. People really like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just. You hear this?

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, they were trying. You know, they would try to time.

[Ben Alterman]

The year along with him so they could sing along. It's all like karaoke sometimes, because you would never.

[Bing Lujo]

You'd never see him taking a breath, so you couldn't cheat. And so. But every once in a while it would hit. It was very exciting.

[Ben Alterman]

That sounds fantastic.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I will say, this is so interesting and so fascinating because we've talked about Shannon so much and John Bowser bombing, but this firsthand experience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Firsthand. Again, you. You seldom hear a firsthand account.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And it makes me feel sad for our friend who loves Shout out, by.

[Scott Aukerman]

The way, in the crowd.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you remember any maybe trying to scream? Sing the parts that were not being sung? Maybe trying to participate?

[Bing Lujo]

No. Well, I mean, everybody's trying to participate. One guy looked very angry, and I remember he had his hands. He had his arms crossed just sitting in the booth. And he had, like, the longest shoes I'd ever seen.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think this might be.

[Ben Alterman]

It was a Clown.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it possible.

[Bing Lujo]

Even longer than that. If.

[Scott Aukerman]

Water ski.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it possible the shoes were water skis? And were they made of meat? If. If I'm remembering correctly, that's very specific. Waterlogged meat.

[Bing Lujo]

That's very. Was it water? Wet meat.

[Ben Alterman]

I don't go anywhere, see? So I could. I can't confirm or deny what you're discussing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it billed as Sha, or was it billed as. As John Bowser Bauman?

[Bing Lujo]

It was billed as all of Shanhan. All of them? Everyone.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All of them. Ever.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So this guy that we're thinking, it must have been pretty disappointed when it ended up just being John Bowser Bauman.

[Bing Lujo]

I think, because he was there before anybody else.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long was it?

[Ben Alterman]

Did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he come before beforehand?

[Bing Lujo]

A couple days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Couple days?

[Ben Alterman]

He camped out.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

At least he had something to eat.

[Bing Lujo]

We let him sleep at the booth, you mean.

[Ben Alterman]

That's what I mean.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

He slept in the booth, gnawing on his water skis. Until the performance, I guess.

[Bing Lujo]

I guess so.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow, that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

This. It sounds like this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That I will say, that is very interesting. Ben? Ben, are you okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is everything all right? Do we need a deathbed flag?

[Ben Alterman]

I wouldn't mind it, but I was just thinking I should add that to the paperback of my memoir, this conversation.

[Scott Aukerman]

That you weren't here for.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Bing Lujo]

Wait, has the book already been released?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, certainly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, we want to talk about this stuff. Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

What's it called again?

[Ben Alterman]

It's called now and Ben.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now and Ben. Now. You know, that's great.

[Bing Lujo]

Boy, that's good. That's a good title.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's great. Especially because it's such a good title, and it was precipitated by just a glimpse of panic in your house eyes. Just like the hint of panic, and then boom, right there, Right there.

[Scott Aukerman]

But now, Ben, I want to talk to you about this. Ben, I want to talk. I want to talk to you about this, but we do need to take a break.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So why don't we pause, all right. On this, talking about the memoir. We'll press pause, and then when we come back, we can get a full accounting of the memoir.

[Ben Alterman]

P, A W. S. Sure, why not?

[Bing Lujo]

I like to press pause.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes. They smell like popcorn, don't they?

[Bing Lujo]

They do smell like popcorn.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we're gonna take a break, but when we come back, we're gonna have more Jason Man Zukas, more Bing Lujo, and we're going to talk all about Ben Alterman's memoir now. And Ben, look. Look at Panic on my face trying to remember it. We're going to come right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Ben Alterman]

Choose to show up.

[Scott Aukerman]

With the bold styling of the Mazda CX30.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'll wake up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I have to tell you, I was just looking on ebay where I go for all kinds of things I love. And there it was.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That hologram trading card. One of the rarest. The last one I needed for my set.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shiny like the designer handbag of my dreams. One of a kind. Ebay had it. And now everyone's asking, ooh, where'd you.

[Bing Lujo]

Get your windshield wipers? Ebay has all the parts that fit my car. No more annoying, just beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Millions of finds, each with a story. EBay, things people love. Try Angel Soft for your tushy. It's made by Angels Soft and Strong.

[Ben Alterman]

Budget friendly. The choice is simple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that feels like paradise. And always at a heavenly prize.

[Ben Alterman]

Pick up a pack today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Angel Soft and Strong. Comedy Bang Bang. We won't quit. We're here with Jason Manzoukas.

[Ben Alterman]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jason, what's on the horizon?

[Jason Manzoukas]

When will you quit, do you think?

[Scott Aukerman]

Think we. We're not going. You won't. You won't quit.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You just are saying you were willing to say now. We will not quit.

[Scott Aukerman]

We will not quit. We can be cancelled, certainly.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Now watch out for being cancelled.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, these days.

[Ben Alterman]

Cancel culture.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cancel culture. Rock and roll. There was a little bit of time in between them, I think, although there was some overlap.

[Bing Lujo]

Is there anything more rock and roll than Cancel Culture?

[Ben Alterman]

I hate them both equal.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have Bing Luo here, of course, of Bing Luke. Lujo's Mall Shop.

[Bing Lujo]

Bing Lujo's Mall Shop.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And then we also have Ben Alterman.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

An older gentleman here.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, older than watch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Older than everyone else in this room.

[Ben Alterman]

In that case, you're correct. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you have a new memoir out now in Ben.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is a hardback.

[Ben Alterman]

It's going to come out first and hard.

[Scott Aukerman]

How hard are you? Are you hoping?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, they promised me Titan Titanium.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Ben Alterman]

At the publisher.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's very expensive and very lightweight metal.

[Bing Lujo]

I didn't know that there was. You could choose the hardness of the hardback.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, it was a big part of the negotiation. I forewent in advance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Ben Alterman]

I just don't wrote it on spec. I did. Because I says when you publish it. Titanium cover, please.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And so you got that?

[Ben Alterman]

I got that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Ben Alterman]

But they said only for the first three.

[Bing Lujo]

There'll be collector's items that's right.

[Ben Alterman]

They will be.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Bing Lujo]

You think you'll do a signing?

[Ben Alterman]

What? A signing of the book or like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like someone think he's talking.

[Bing Lujo]

Someone think you're gonna learn asl?

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, I said it's too late for me to learn a language. Yes, you're outside the book.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, will you do a proper. At some. At your age, a book tour? Like, is that something you can withstand?

[Ben Alterman]

I'm gonna do. Yes, a book tour. And I'm gonna read from the book and then I'm gonna sign the book. And then all of this, by the way, I just have to say, unless first I die right now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What would you. Of course. What would you prefer?

[Bing Lujo]

I think everybody should say that about everything.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah. Unless first I die.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll see you at lunch tomorrow.

[Bing Lujo]

Unless first I die here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What would you. What would I prefer?

[Ben Alterman]

To die or to do the book tour? It's a tough one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

If I. I would. That is a tough. A tough one. I think I'd rather do the book, too.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You would? Yeah. I mean, even though it's a lot of work, I'm sure. And it's a grind.

[Scott Aukerman]

It must be worth it, though.

[Ben Alterman]

But I'm not gonna read the book myself. At my age. I have. I'm having Benicio Del Toro and Johnny Depp come and do and read the book.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So cool.

[Bing Lujo]

Are they gonna.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are they doing the audiobook as well?

[Ben Alterman]

I believe so. Well, the two of them are fighting over it, but I said you can alternate chapters.

[Bing Lujo]

Will they be. Will they be together at every event or will they switch off?

[Ben Alterman]

I think. I think they'll be together at every event.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're going to read the entire book?

[Ben Alterman]

That's right. Switching off chapters or maybe as you say, sentences. It's not a bad idea.

[Bing Lujo]

How many pages in the book?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, they haven't told me yet, but I think it's going to be in the neighborhood of a thousand pages.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thousand pages. I mean, you're an old, old man.

[Ben Alterman]

I'm a very old man and I put everything in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no, you didn't.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You mentioned a number of things today that you did not put in Martha Ray.

[Bing Lujo]

The President.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, the President. I didn't put in there the three years that I spent touring with Bob Dylan playing the banjo. That's not in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, wait a minute. I thought you hated rock and roll. Or. This is during his folk.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, this is in the folk.

[Ben Alterman]

Bo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you the guy who yelled Judas at him?

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, I did. You bet I did. He went electric. Can you believe the nerve? Yeah, he had been prior to that acoustic.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah, all the way. You were there in the Cafe W day?

[Ben Alterman]

Sure I was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think anyone yelled Bob Dylan at Judas back in the day?

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, that would have been wild. Okay, that would have been wild.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's the last supper, right? Right after the kiss. Right after the kiss.

[Bing Lujo]

The apostles would have been like, what are you talking about?

[Ben Alterman]

You'll find out.

[Bing Lujo]

It would have to be Jesus to get it right.

[Scott Aukerman]

It would have to.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

A time traveler, Julie, you Bob Dylan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man. When they invent time travel, that's the first thing I'm gonna do.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Go back and call Judas Bob Jelly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not call him that, just shout it at him. Oh, what's the difference?

[Bing Lujo]

Did Jesus know the future?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Did Jesus know the future? Was a great question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was he like. Yeah, he knew.

[Bing Lujo]

He knew that he was supposed to die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he have esp?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, where does it stop? Where does that knowledge stop? You know? Like, he clearly had some understanding of what. Or is he just reading the room and being like, these people aren't cool with what I'm doing. I'm probably gonna die?

[Ben Alterman]

I think the second one, I think he was asking for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think he was. You're. You're victim blaming with the way he.

[Ben Alterman]

Dressed, you bet I am.

[Bing Lujo]

He did. Lot of warnings.

[Ben Alterman]

He sure did. You don't ride an ass into Jerusalem.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Never mind what he did to the money lenders.

[Ben Alterman]

Exactly.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You've got to figure the money lenders alone are pissed enough to kill him.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about that tree he cursed?

[Ben Alterman]

And nobody liked Lazarus, by the way.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, they were all so bring him.

[Ben Alterman]

Back from the dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what is in the book, Ben? What else is in the book? Imagine this is your book tour, which I guess this might be the first stop on your book tour.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Publicity tour.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us on the book, what is in the book?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, I've got a chapter on salted butter. And I've got a chapter on unsalted butter.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

Are they right after each other or.

[Ben Alterman]

No.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Were you. Did you work in dairy in. In some way, shape or form or salt at all?

[Ben Alterman]

No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have a friend who works in salt.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We do? Oh, yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

No, I just. For a time I was putting salted butter on everything. Then I says, they've got unsalted butter. Let me give that a try.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, okay.

[Ben Alterman]

I gave that a try for a while now I go back and forth between salted and unsalted. Because the truth is I like Them both. And so I got a chapter on salt, and I got a chapter on unsolved it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ben Alterman]

There's. There was a while that I worked in a paint store.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Ben Alterman]

And so I talk a little bit about the different ways that you mix it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you. Oh, so you were mixing the paint.

[Ben Alterman]

I was mixing.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what are the ways that you can mix up?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, these days, they have these automatic mixers, and you put it on there, and it does it for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But when they were.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The day.

[Ben Alterman]

Back in the day, you'd get a stick, and you put a stick in the paint, and you'd mix it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, when you were A lot of.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The book and when. Back in the day, when you were doing it, did you have to add the lead?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah, yeah, we had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that was a little like in a vial pipette or something. You would just pour it in there. Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Yo, you'd have to. You'd have to melt it down. You'd have to melt down a big piece of lead. And sometimes we. You know, if you get a little on your fingers, you. Oh, yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wait. You'd lick it off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You like the. The molten lead off.

[Bing Lujo]

A lot of. A lot of boys died that way.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh.

[Bing Lujo]

When they. If you were a lead boy at the paint shop. And then, you know, of course, there were times if your family fell on hard times. You know, they take your toy soldiers and then they melt them down at the paint shop for a little extra cash.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's right.

[Ben Alterman]

That's right. Wow, those were good times.

[Bing Lujo]

That's how I got into Warhammer.

[Ben Alterman]

Into what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, really? Those little figurines. You and Henry Cavill.

[Bing Lujo]

I was reclaiming my lead, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Reclaiming the lead. Reclaiming my. Well, that's a great sentiment, Ben.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to say, most of your. Of your book.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, you've lived a long time.

[Ben Alterman]

I certainly have.

[Scott Aukerman]

And a lot happens to a human being when they're on this earth, regardless of how long they live. But you. Indeed, you've been on this Earth for 94 years.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, that's because I'm 94 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems to me like you could have left out some of the stuff that you put into the book, because it's not all that interesting. And you could have put in some of the stuff that you left. Left out. And maybe. Maybe there's.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, but that's true of any book. See, that I didn't even tell you about. Do you know there's a whole thing in there about different kinds of bread.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like. Like what kinds?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, there's whole wheat bread, and that's 100% whole wheat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Whole.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's where the whole.

[Ben Alterman]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

And then. No, it's just about that. It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just. It's just about the fact that whole wheat exists. Yes.

[Ben Alterman]

And. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, I. Your book sounds shitty.

[Bing Lujo]

What are you talking about?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait a minute, Scott.

[Bing Lujo]

I think that's a little rude, because if you think about the Bible. Not to bring up the Bible again, but there's like, long, long chapters about who begat who, who began.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's ever read Ruth or.

[Bing Lujo]

They just gloss over how God created the world. They just said he created this. Like, how?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like a prologue.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And it's also like. Yeah, I was going to say that get. All that interesting stuff is handled so quickly at the beginning.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And then it's like. Even though he rested for a day, me about that. What's he doing on his day off?

[Bing Lujo]

He does a prank on this one guy to get him to kill his own son, and then we don't get how. What about the. The post? The PTSD for that?

[Scott Aukerman]

The original jackass.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, I was just gonna say. That's classic Knoxville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

I talked John Paul ii, how to box.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is in the book?

[Ben Alterman]

That's not in the book.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[Ben Alterman]

He wanted to learn how to box?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Who was he thinking he might have to fight?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, is this the devil?

[Bing Lujo]

Is this after he got shot?

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, after he got shot. He said, I want to be able to defend myself against bullets.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you taught him how to box?

[Ben Alterman]

I did, and he was good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you at the Vatican? Wait, you taught him how to box?

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you taught him how to get into the box? That little. The. The Popemobile. Box.

[Scott Aukerman]

Box.

[Ben Alterman]

I taught him both things.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Lowe's Commercial Announcer]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two boxes.

[Ben Alterman]

Two boxes. And he want his jukeboxed either.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, don't box.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long were you at the Vatican doing this?

[Ben Alterman]

I was in the Vatican for three years teaching him how to box.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What else happened to you while you were there?

[Ben Alterman]

He was one of the best boxers of all time by then.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Ben Alterman]

Of all time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Ben Alterman]

He's. He fought Ali.

[Scott Aukerman]

He did, yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Not in his prime. Ali was in rough shape at that point, but you don't pass up the opportunity to box the boat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, I mean, like, if you gotta say, like, Ali probably felt like he couldn't say no.

[Ben Alterman]

I think that's true. They set up a ring in the bottom basilica and it was a lot of fun. The bishops watched it and wow, a real conclave. He beat the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Out of Ali.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, to be honest. Yeah, he kind of did. He kind of did. He knocked him out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Ben Alterman]

He did. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not an official knockout on it in his actual record, right?

[Ben Alterman]

No, no, no. It's not reflected in anyone's record in.

[Bing Lujo]

You know, the Pope was. He was 22 years older than Muhammad Ali, so Muhammad Ali had a good. A good sh.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He was younger.

[Bing Lujo]

It was kind of a fair fight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great. They should make, like, conclave two about this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Any of the. The young Pope now make him the old Pope. Who boxes the two popes? Make them box each other.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, that would have been great. I'd love to see this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds fascinating. Put it in the book. I.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, maybe it's not too late, but I think it is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You had such an.

[Bing Lujo]

You don't want to tell him the move. The popa dope.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, that's right. Wow.

[Ben Alterman]

The Rila in the basilica.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Ben Alterman]

Is when he pulled the popa dope.

[Scott Aukerman]

And knocked out Ali.

[Ben Alterman]

Ali should have seen it coming. Oh, God. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, this is the kind of juicy story.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Float like a butterfly, sting like the Holy Sea.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you were there for three years. Did anything else happen to you while you were. I mean.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, I had access to certain forbidden texts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, like why were they. Why were they forbidden?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, they refute the Bible and things like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

They refute the Bible?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Ben, I'm not gonna lie. We're almost two hours into the podcast, and this just got into.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're only an hour and a half. 20.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What. How is this. How has this not come up? And how is this not in the book?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, but let. Let me try to help you understand. I did not know that you could make unsalted butter. I thought it was always salted, but.

[Bing Lujo]

It was mixed in.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, yes, that's what I thought.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of course. No, no, but in the Vatican. The secret books in the Vatican.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Come to think of it, I don't know what kind of butter they were serving in the Vatican.

[Scott Aukerman]

Enough about the butter.

[Ben Alterman]

Because it came in a little dish.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Ben. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us about these. These. These texts, these forbidden texts that refute the Bible. What do you mean?

[Ben Alterman]

There's a secret library, right? And you gotta be led in there by a bishop, and then you sit there and he watches you read. It's very awkward. And you do. And you gotta wear these cotton gloves, and I'll tell you, these gloves are fascinating.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Enough of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to hear about the club.

[Ben Alterman]

Very comfortable, very soft.

[Bing Lujo]

But they're not good for the winter.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh no, of course. Cold air will shoot right through these gloves.

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn it. I want to hear about what kind of evidence is in these books that refutes the Bible. It says the Bible is a sham or.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, name one thing that's in the Bible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Adam and Eve.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah. That's not true, is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Adam? It just says that's not true. Yeah, in the book. Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

There's a whole other text of the Old Testament and it just says Adam and Eve not true. Didn't happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

And it's older.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's older.

[Ben Alterman]

It's all. It's the original stuff.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow. So the even older testament.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, the even older testament.

[Bing Lujo]

So the book basically says, look, if anybody tells you these stories, they're not true.

[Ben Alterman]

That's right.

[Bing Lujo]

And then they wrote the Bible.

[Ben Alterman]

And then they wrote the Bible. They should never have done that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so all the Popes and everyone know that the Bible isn't true.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh sure they do. Yeah, that's right. That's what drove Benedict crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Uh huh.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is, I mean, what a story.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And yet none of this is so interesting. But not again, not in the book.

[Ben Alterman]

It's not in the book.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But there is quite a bit of just unanswered emails in the book.

[Ben Alterman]

I don't know if you understand. Some bread that is marketed as whole wheat is not 100% whole wheat.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's hard to keep them on topic. It's really hard to keep them on topic.

[Ben Alterman]

So that's in there. It's got to be in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is, this is like a 11th of your life, this three years you spend. Oh, even more than that.

[Ben Alterman]

I don't have any idea.

[Bing Lujo]

You're in your final 11th of your life. It's crazy to think about sometimes.

[Ben Alterman]

Aren't you always in the final 11th of your life if you divide it by 11?

[Bing Lujo]

I thought you were going to sing for a second. Aren't you always divided by 11?

[Ben Alterman]

Divided by 11.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you ever married to anyone else other than Martha?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, you betcha. I was married many, many times. I was married to the Queen Elizabeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Queen Elizabeth.

[Ben Alterman]

I was when I was married to Mahatma Gandhi.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're kidding me.

[Ben Alterman]

That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you?

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is fascinating. And this is all in the book.

[Ben Alterman]

It's all. No, none of that is in the book.

[Bing Lujo]

That's too personal.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, it's too personal.

[Scott Aukerman]

What years were you married to Queen Elizabeth?

[Ben Alterman]

Queen Elizabeth when she was 14 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Saying she was 14.

[Ben Alterman]

I hope she wasn't lying about her age. Yeah, I said. Yeah. Well, I says, I'm interested in a child bride, please.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, who did you say that to?

[Ben Alterman]

To the guys at the boot.

[Scott Aukerman]

The.

[Ben Alterman]

With the big black hats. Where do you call them?

[Jason Manzoukas]

So the Royal Guard, Bukingham Palace. Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

I went in there and I says, may I have a child, Brian? Anyways, I married the Queen Elizabeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Queen Elizabeth, by the way, is four years older than you.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, let's see. That just about works. I was 18. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, she's four years older, God damn it.

[Ben Alterman]

She was 22, and she told me she was 14.

[Bing Lujo]

And you were 11.

[Ben Alterman]

I was 11. God damn it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was I. No. You were 18. I was 18.

[Bing Lujo]

You were 18.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All of us trying to do math. This episode and failing spectacularly is incredible.

[Bing Lujo]

If only we knew. Chisenbop.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you were. It was 1948. You were married to Queen Elizabeth.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, we had an old.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did.

[Ben Alterman]

We weren't married very long. Long at all. She's supposed to marry someone, like, in that world, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

And I was like another royal.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We know a guy who's in that world.

[Ben Alterman]

She's supposed to marry a cousin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

And I would.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They're getting on a spaceship, they're going someplace.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it was a marriage for love.

[Ben Alterman]

Not in particular.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh.

[Ben Alterman]

No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Convenience.

[Ben Alterman]

I was trying to become a citizen of England at the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Opportunity. Yeah. This is 1948.

[Ben Alterman]

Why were you trying to do that, 1948? Because I wanted some of that sweet rebuilding from the Blitz money.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, sure.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You were looking to get a bunch of loose bricks to bring back to the United States.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you wanted to bring them back. That's.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, yes. I was what's known as a war profiteer.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You were? Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this is making sense. Yeah. So. But none of this is in the book. Oh.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, no. None of that is in the book. No, no. But after the war, I went all across Europe and I picked up loose bricks and I sent them back to the United States, and we built prisons.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Prisons. Jesus.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So from war profiteer to the prison industrial complex.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yes, you're a villain. What are you talking about?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't mind saying it now. I think you might be a bad guy.

[Bing Lujo]

What type of faced your youth?

[Ben Alterman]

It's always American typewriter for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Ben Alterman]

Can't get past that American typewriter.

[Bing Lujo]

It looks good.

[Ben Alterman]

It's beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ben, did you mention you were married to Mahatma Gandhi.

[Bing Lujo]

I'm not married to Mahatma Gandhi.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, I'm sorry. I'm talking to Ben. No, not you. Bing. Your name is Bing.

[Bing Lujo]

Actually, I'm Bing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Yes.

[Ben Alterman]

I was married to Mahatma Gandhi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who? The. The male.

[Ben Alterman]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Don't be so hung up, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm just.

[Ben Alterman]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What is this?

[Ben Alterman]

Gotcha.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What are you.

[Ben Alterman]

Gotcha.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let. Let him love who he loves.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying this was before your marriage to Queen Elizabeth because Mahatma Gandhi died in 48 and you were married. So were you with him until his death? This is not covered in the movie Gandhi, as far as I know.

[Ben Alterman]

No, they wouldn't put it in there.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It makes sense why you would marry Elizabeth without being in love, which is grief. You were grieving.

[Ben Alterman]

I was grieving for my lost Mahatma. We were married very briefly. I was 17. He was. However old he was.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is 1947. This.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ben Alterman]

So. Yes. And I regret to this day shooting him.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, wait.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, dear.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I.

[Ben Alterman]

It was a mistake, and I would take it back if I could. It was a quarrel and I feel terrible. I still. I feel awful to this day.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, it's water under the bridge at this point. No, I mean, barely anyone remembers who he was.

[Ben Alterman]

Okay, good. Yeah, but that is not in the book.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How many times have you been married?

[Ben Alterman]

I've been married. Let's see here. I'm 94.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is that part of it? When you think of how many times you've been married, first thing you have to do is establish how old you are.

[Ben Alterman]

That's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

You'll see.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll see.

[Bing Lujo]

When you're my age, you'll see.

[Ben Alterman]

I've been married, I think, about 30 times.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

30.

[Ben Alterman]

30 times $30. Well, no, but Time's married.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Ben Alterman]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Martha Ray Mahat Gandhi, Queen Elizabeth.

[Ben Alterman]

Queen Elizabeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

27. Other.

[Ben Alterman]

That's right. Three of them were Judy Garland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Multiple times. You guys kept coming back to it, right?

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, that's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. So those. When you can't get. When you. There's something there, like Ben Affleck and JLo, they are just magnetically drawn to each other.

[Ben Alterman]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you ever married to Ben Affleck or JLo?

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, I. We were in a thr.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love that, you know.

[Bing Lujo]

Can you handle it? You square?

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You nerd.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. I'm just saying society would have looked down on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And you are society.

[Ben Alterman]

No, I'm just saying don't blame society. For your hang ups, man.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, you square.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying I don't think it was legal. Let's just say that.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, oh. In that sense it was barely legal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe. I suppose, I suppose it sounds like a very disappointing book. But hey, I mean, how are the pre sales?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, off the charts, they tell me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Off the charts meaning lower than the charts can.

[Ben Alterman]

All they said was we don't see it on the charts. Okay, but that sounds good to me. You can pre order it on. Not on any Amazon, but on Alibaba.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What is Alibaba?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Alibaba, it's the Chinese Amazon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Ben Alterman]

Is it available for pre order on Alibaba?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it on the Silk Road perhaps? Or probably the Dark Web?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I would love to buy this on the Dark Web.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, is that real?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't know. How do you get on to it? Do you go to darkweb.com?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Type it in. Go on. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe it's the darkweb.com. could be darkweb.com. maybe it's just frozen now my computer's frozen.

[Ben Alterman]

You're on your way.

[Bing Lujo]

Maybe it's dark.

[Ben Alterman]

Dark Web.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dark Web. Let's see the. Let me try the Dark web dot com.

[Ben Alterman]

There you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

And. Oh, the dark web dot com. Oh, the. The domain name. The darkweb dot com is for sale.

[Bing Lujo]

Let's get.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guess how much, Guess how much if we just want to buy it now or we can make an offer. $50, $60,000.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. I wonder how long this person has had that and has been trying to sell it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Should we make an offer?

[Ben Alterman]

Let's pool our money and buy it and have it redirect to shanana.com.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That would be incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love this idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let it be known.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can we lowball them, do you think?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's lowball. How much, how much money do we have on I. I have $15.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I would be willing to give a thousand dollars to this endeavor.

[Scott Aukerman]

A thousand dollars? Okay, so we're up to a thousand fifteen.

[Bing Lujo]

My money is all in coins. I got one of those machines I wear around my waist.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So cool. I love a money changing machine.

[Bing Lujo]

But it's all gold coins.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, it's all gold.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how much do you have?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Doubloons.

[Bing Lujo]

Some are doubloons.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, that's great.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how much if you had to tally it up, just probably estimate something like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I like that you're looking down there. Yeah, I. Yeah, just to see how many are loaded in there.

[Bing Lujo]

It's like they're all, they're all full. So I, I, I'd say I got somewhere in the neighborhood of 750,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jesus Christ. That covers us.

[Bing Lujo]

Holy cow. I'm not gonna buy the whole thing myself. I thought, this treasure.

[Scott Aukerman]

He'll put in a thousand, I'll put in 15.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, are you wearing that around the malt shop?

[Bing Lujo]

I wear it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You got to be careful. That's too much.

[Scott Aukerman]

People even be saying that on the public. People steal that from you.

[Bing Lujo]

They shouldn't do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Has anyone ever broken into the shop or.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How successful is the mall over the.

[Bing Lujo]

Years it's been breaking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask you a question? The guy who was hanging around the Sha Na performance.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he ever break into the shop afterwards?

[Bing Lujo]

I remember he did come back once after hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He came back after hours?

[Bing Lujo]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That night or after.

[Bing Lujo]

Later. The next day.

[Scott Aukerman]

The next day, but after hours?

[Bing Lujo]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

He came back. Did he rap on the door?

[Bing Lujo]

He rap. Rap. Wrapped on the door. What happened now? I was nearly napping.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Nearly napping.

[Scott Aukerman]

But then you heard a rap top.

[Bing Lujo]

Tapping Right upon the mall shop door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. And then what? What did you do with this?

[Bing Lujo]

I, I turned and I said, oh, there's nobody there. It's just a Buster Palace.

[Scott Aukerman]

Buster Poindexter. What?

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, we have a Buster Poindexter.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A bust of Poindexter.

[Bing Lujo]

We have a bust of Poindexter.

[Ben Alterman]

That nerd.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's, of course, in the corner of the mall.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Chop.

[Bing Lujo]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just to honor him.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. Along with a number of, of dolls from New York.

[Bing Lujo]

That's right. We call them the New York Dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. Right.

[Bing Lujo]

And. And I look and I see. Oh, behind the bus of Poindexter. I see a figure outside.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Is it like a shadowy figure? Like someone who might be with Herman's Hermits or.

[Bing Lujo]

That was my first thought. Is that a hermit? I went up to the door and I said, who goes there?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

And I heard the guy say. What did he say? It was dip. Do dip.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Did it sound a little like this? I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's up, Hot dog? Dip.

[Ben Alterman]

D. Dip. Oh, it sounded exactly like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, you guys.

[Ben Alterman]

What am I doing here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, what's going on? Sorry to summon you, Hot dog. Sorry.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I hope you weren't. I hope you, you weren't busy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott Arman and Jason Manzukas. I can see from my feet I.

[Ben Alterman]

Was about to go skiing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyone want some salami? Oh, no.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Those look like fresh salamis.

[Ben Alterman]

They are fresh Salamis.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are wet, though.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, they're pretty wet and sandy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Hey, this is our good friend, Bing Luo.

[Ben Alterman]

Hi, Bing.

[Scott Aukerman]

And a guy we know, Ben Alter. Alterman.

[Ben Alterman]

Hello.

[Bing Lujo]

Now, you were in my mall shop a few years ago.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, I've been to a lot of malt shops, my friend. You can't expect me to remember. Remember all of them.

[Bing Lujo]

You have no malt chop memories.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you have malt shop dementia?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Hot dog has been stricken with malt chop dementia. Hot dog.

[Ben Alterman]

Hot dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I don't remember a single mall chop, you guys. I can't think of one. We're so sorry.

[Ben Alterman]

No, it's bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you been doing mall chop crosswords or anything like that? You got to do something.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Some puzzles or something hot dog dip do. To do what?

[Ben Alterman]

No, I'm trying. I'm trying to bring back some of these mall chop memories.

[Bing Lujo]

Learn a new malt language.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a huge. I mean, I'm doing the mall chop Sudokus. Oh, no.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, okay, that's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's good. You've been on this show for 17 years. We're all aging, you know, we're all over 50 at this point. You.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You've all seen Dread Zeppelin, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

And, you know, I mean, this happens to. To the best of us.

[Ben Alterman]

It's sad, though, because I'm sure I've got some wonderful mall shop memories that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But they're so Many of them were about the band Shanana, that you love. Do you remember that you love.

[Ben Alterman]

Of course I remember that. I love Shannon.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, good.

[Bing Lujo]

Let me provide you with a mall shop memory of your very own.

[Ben Alterman]

Really?

[Bing Lujo]

Years ago, you came to my mall shop. Bing Dudo's Mall Shop. It's right there in the corner. And we were advertising Shana. All of them? Every single one.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, I would have come to that.

[Bing Lujo]

Well, you did.

[Ben Alterman]

I did.

[Bing Lujo]

But the only one that showed up was the guy in the black T shirt with the big mouth.

[Ben Alterman]

Bowser bow.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has huge muscles.

[Bing Lujo]

That's his name. Yeah, Huge muscles.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So jacked.

[Ben Alterman]

Huge muscles.

[Bing Lujo]

And, and, and, and, and, and he started doing his show, and you were. I think you were mad because it was only him.

[Ben Alterman]

I would have been mad if it was only him. And it was advertised as the whole sha.

[Bing Lujo]

And what he did was he just kind of shuffled back and forth, and then every once in a while go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it was like that Dancing in the street video where they take the music.

[Bing Lujo]

Music out.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I'm talking about.

[Ben Alterman]

That. Don't they call That a mashup or something like that?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a mashup.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, but it's a mash out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you just hear them panting the entire time.

[Bing Lujo]

Hey, you know, guys, speaking of mashups.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

I just gotta say real quick.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

When you go to the Dread Zeppelin website.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay. Not only is the splash page dedicated.

[Jason Manzoukas]

To a documentary good, by the way, we've done more.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're the Dread Zeppelin street.

[Jason Manzoukas]

More to promote Dread Zeppelin than they have than they are doing.

[Ben Alterman]

And it doesn't even need promoting because everybody watches it when they turn 50 automatically.

[Bing Lujo]

If you scroll down, there's numbers. It says 36 years active, 49 countries toured. 1001 iconic mashups.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, what?

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, because 1001 iconic mess up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So wait, have they done. Is that like a thousand 2001 nights have they done?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, like in Arabia, like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes, the. Like.

[Ben Alterman]

The day they ran out of mashups.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right?

[Ben Alterman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And yes, they. And the King needed a story.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the King finally let Dread Zeppelin go.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dread Zeppelin. Every night they were like, we got to do a new mashup for the King. Otherwise.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's the Dread Zeppelin story. That is tell in the documentary.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And listen, if you're under 50, you don't know this from the documentary, but this is in the director's cut.

[Ben Alterman]

Why didn't they put the most interesting things in their documentary?

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you get it. Now I get words.

[Bing Lujo]

So anyway, are there even a thousand and one reggae songs?

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't know.

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, that's a whole genre. I know there's not a thousand one Elvis songs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so. So continue to tell Hot dog.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who has, of course, malt chop dementia.

[Ben Alterman]

Was he wearing a black T shirt?

[Bing Lujo]

He's wearing a black T shirt.

[Ben Alterman]

Was he wearing a black leather jacket?

[Bing Lujo]

Cleveland rolled up.

[Ben Alterman]

Was there. Were there tiny jukeboxes on the tables?

[Bing Lujo]

There were little jukeboxes.

[Ben Alterman]

Little jukeboxes on the table.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And there was an even tinier one.

[Bing Lujo]

Wait, you didn't see the tiny jukebox that only the mice can see?

[Ben Alterman]

I remember I have a crazy memory of watching a tiny mouse put a tiny coin into a tiny jukebox.

[Bing Lujo]

What song came out?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was.

[Ben Alterman]

Weirdly enough, it was the. The Witch. Witch Doctor by the chip marks.

[Bing Lujo]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. I have a mouth memory.

[Bing Lujo]

You have a recovered memory.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Now, we know you have your good days and your bad days, but today at least is a good day where you remember at least the mouse putting the tiny coin into the jukebox but do you remember what happened afterwards?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, let's see. I remember. I remember I left.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were upset.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, I was real mad.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And about 24 hours passed.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, something like that. And I came back and I rap, rap, rapped on the door.

[Bing Lujo]

Right, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you said, doop, doop, doop do.

[Ben Alterman]

Sure, of course I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Bing Lujo]

That's what I remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stuff like that. And then what happened? Did you come in? Did you remember what happened?

[Ben Alterman]

It was after hours.

[Bing Lujo]

It was after hours. I was the only one in the shop.

[Ben Alterman]

Right, okay, I know, I know what happened.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What happened?

[Ben Alterman]

I had wrangled up the rest of the members of Shana all.

[Scott Aukerman]

But how many other members would there.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Have been at that time? There's got to be a lot of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

27.

[Ben Alterman]

Donnie York screaming scotch, the whole game.

[Bing Lujo]

Sure, yeah. Dan was there.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, of course. Five. There would have been five of them at that time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Five.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Only five. Cuz if you can't remember the others, I bet Ben can.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, Ben, Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ben, do you know the other members?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you remember the other members?

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, just give me a moment.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, it's okay.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, no, I can get there.

[Bing Lujo]

Give him a second.

[Ben Alterman]

You know, I think probably in my notes app.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course. I know some of them.

[Ben Alterman]

50 episodes ago. Let's see here. There's all sorts of recipes in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's of course, Vinnie Taylor.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who was born Chris Donald. He replaced Billy Schwartz as the. The lead guitarist in 71. Who was he born? But he died of a drug overdose in 74.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we all know that escaped child killer Elmer Edward Solly assumed Taylor's identity and performed as him, though not with Sha now, which eventually led to his discovery and capture.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No. Is that a real. Wait, how have we never. Wait a minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, we have never.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What is going.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talked about this with you, you hot dog.

[Bing Lujo]

Hot dog.

[Ben Alterman]

No, I don't like to talk about that hot dog. He.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not exactly a. What the.

[Ben Alterman]

He's not a glowing chapter in the Shaanana story.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is huge. Sha news that we were unaware he's.

[Ben Alterman]

A member of Shana.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We've been talking about Shanana for what feels to me like 16 years now.

[Bing Lujo]

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Maybe it's that he doesn't. It's not so much that he doesn't like to talk about it, but he is sun diploma dude at the downing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, he's forgotten it yeah, he's forgotten.

[Bing Lujo]

If you'd asked him earlier in the day, he would have. He would have remembered.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Right? You're right. You're right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, I mean, we've been talking about Shauna for 16 years, and some of your antics, quite honestly, have paralleled those of killer Elmer Edwards.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is like a true crime documentary or true crime podcast waiting to happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're really interested in true crime?

[Bing Lujo]

I love true crime.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were going to do that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Just call him Original Fig. You just call me Original thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, you're being Luke.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is being lose.

[Bing Lujo]

I don't like true crime.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But, Scott, you're right. Original Fig does love true crime and is going to do a true crime podcast with Neptuna.

[Scott Aukerman]

I may have been confused due to early information that I was.

[Bing Lujo]

Wait a second.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Neptuna just arrived.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hi, Neptuna.

[Ben Alterman]

What's going on?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I didn't know that just by saying Neptuna he would arrive.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought that by saying Original fucking Fig, he would operate here.

[Bing Lujo]

What are you talking about?

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's up O?

[Ben Alterman]

What's going.

[Bing Lujo]

Hey, Neptune.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you guys ever going to do your podcast together about original?

[Bing Lujo]

About.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, you guys definitely should, because we have a first person account here of a hot dog here knows the Sha N Murderer.

[Bing Lujo]

Hold on a second. You got a firsthand account of a hot dog?

[Scott Aukerman]

You got to listen. Listen a little bit longer.

[Ben Alterman]

I was there when they served the first hot dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ben.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I was Ben Alterman. Oh, good. Now at least we have at least a quorum.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you. There is a firsthand account of a hot dog, but if you listen a little bit longer to Jason's sentence, we have a. We have a firsthand account of the Sha Killer.

[Bing Lujo]

The Sha Killer.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you aware of this? I know you're a. You want to do a true crime podcast. This is a great one because it involves a popular band, which is.

[Bing Lujo]

Hold on a second. Elmer, Edward. What's Solly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Not Sully. Who? Someone else. That's right. Neptuna.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you know about him too?

[Ben Alterman]

I've been dying to do an episode on him, but we don't have anybody who knows or has any connection to Shadow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, we do now. And it's Hot Dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Hot Dog right here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Meet him now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where? Right here.

[Ben Alterman]

I can tell you all about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us. I mean. Well, I mean, you might want to save it for the podcast. No, it's okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let's let Neptuna and Hot Dog and I guess. Guess Ben work this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sure. Okay, go ahead.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, like I said, it is a little late in the day. If I could all. If it was morning and I'd had a fresh bowl of blueberries, I might.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be able to tell you everything. We should record the. The episode of the podcast Morning Blueberry. Post Blueberries.

[Bing Lujo]

You should have had an acai bowl.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a super fruit.

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, sure it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Mornings are better for me too, actually.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, Neptuna, Are you also experiencing dementia?

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think anyone who's on this show long enough, eventually us, we'll all get there.

[Ben Alterman]

But early onset.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please, please.

[Ben Alterman]

I'm a young man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is. This is exciting news. I mean, exciting addition to the Sha Na Na lore that I was not aware of.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is fascinating, and I really do hope, genuinely, that we get to probe it more or I get to at least listen. Listen to people, dissect this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dissect this aspect of the story.

[Ben Alterman]

I got to tell you, SHA fans don't like this story very much because it's a story of a guy who committed a murder and then just wanted to blend in with regular society, so claimed to be a member of SHA.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now, I mean, that is. This is incredible. How has this not been made into a movie? Do you think?

[Bing Lujo]

Do you think? Maybe because of the child killing aspect?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, was it a child. He killed a child.

[Bing Lujo]

He was a child killer.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or he was an escaped child who was also a killer.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, that's a movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a.

[Bing Lujo]

A child murderer who become. Who pretends to be an adult.

[Jason Manzoukas]

An adult dinger.

[Ben Alterman]

And gets away with it for 11 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

This I want. Was that. Was that what it was? Hot dog.

[Ben Alterman]

Yeah, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what it was all about. Wow. I got to hear this episode of your podcast.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We got to get the kid from adolescence in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. This is going to be amazing. Wow. I cannot wait for this.

[Ben Alterman]

I can't wait.

[Bing Lujo]

I can't wait.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, guys, you guys mind recording this underwater?

[Bing Lujo]

I can't wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can come up out of the water for the. For the podcast if you have to.

[Ben Alterman]

If I have to.

[Bing Lujo]

Well, guys, can you do it like, where you just in a. In a bathtub with your head sticking out? Yeah, I. Good acoustics.

[Scott Aukerman]

Y. Well, guys, we are unfortunately running out of time on our 950th episode.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Why? What time is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

4:20, bud. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ben Alterman]

Well, I guess we ought to get high.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Ben. Ben just pulled out a doobie, bro.

[Bing Lujo]

Let's spark up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you follow the Bibby brothers around.

[Ben Alterman]

For a While I gave them their name.

[Bing Lujo]

What?

[Ben Alterman]

Yes, I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

This should be in the. Okay, well, all right. Well, we are. We only have time for one final feature and that is of course a little something called plugs. I always get confused if the PL.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is open or closed.

[Ben Alterman]

Usually tricky.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's usually closed when it's open. Or is it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it open when it's closed or something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't really care.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't get tricked. Even a little.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can't confuse me. I'm actually sp. You. All right? That was the plug bags. Probably open or closed right now by Fatty Maddie. Thanks to Fatty Maddie. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbb world.com plugs and you can upload it there.

[Bing Lujo]

Do you think his last name is Boombaladi?

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably. I hope so. What are we plugging, guys? Jason, what do you got here?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I'll plug Percy Jackson. It's on now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Disney and or the Olympians.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Where are we in time right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

The end of January, end of Jan.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So if you are in New York City and want to see me on Broadway, the all out play that I am a part of with Sarah Silverman and Craig Robinson and a bunch of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Other great people, I will have seen it already last week.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. And you said you loved it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely, Absolutely.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Come see me on Broadway. Percy Jackson and Taskmaster season 19. It's all available on YouTube. Every episode of Taskmaster is on YouTube.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're so funny.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Watch it. There's a podcast. Lots of great people from this show have been on the podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. My friend Paul F. Tompkins, I believe was on YouTube.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Very fun. Great episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, fantastic. All right, original fig. What do you want to plug?

[Bing Lujo]

Well, you know this show, Variety, Topia, I've talked to you about before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, we've talked about this. I love this.

[Bing Lujo]

I've been on this show. It's a great show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever had it at the Gethsemane Liquor?

[Ben Alterman]

They.

[Bing Lujo]

They're asking a little bit too much money.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. How much money are they?

[Bing Lujo]

200.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, and that's. That's more than you pay per performances down there.

[Bing Lujo]

It's community based. You know, liquor stores. The home of the community.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

So everybody kind of pitches in.

[Scott Aukerman]

So instead you go to that show instead of that show coming to you.

[Bing Lujo]

That's exactly right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's usually what happens.

[Bing Lujo]

That's usually what happens. So they got a St. Patrick's Day show coming up. That's going to be a lodge room on St Patrick's Day, 17th of March. It's going to be stream fall on the.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the days of the week.

[Bing Lujo]

I think it's a Tuesday.

[Scott Aukerman]

A Tuesday. Wow. Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

I think it's a Tuesday. All right. And then also they're going to be at the. At the. The Bell House in Brooklyn in April. That's coming up. The tickets are on sale now though, but you can go to variotopia.com and get your tickets there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And bing. Luja, what do you want to plug?

[Bing Lujo]

I'd like to plug. Plug malt.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can drink that in other places nowadays. Yeah, back in the day it was only at the shop.

[Bing Lujo]

That's right. I want to plug malted milk. Malted milk Balls. Like Whoppers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. I just got some for Christmas. They were delicious.

[Bing Lujo]

They're delicious. There's a little crunch, but then it's sweet. Like life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, okay.

[Bing Lujo]

Life can be crunchy, but sweet.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And Ben Altman, what do you want.

[Ben Alterman]

To put now in Benton? Available for pre order on Alibaba.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right now on the charts yet. And hot dog, what do you want to plug?

[Ben Alterman]

Well, come on down to the sunglass Nut. That's a sunglass store that I have opened to compete with the Sunglass Hut which fired me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And this. Do you sell nuts?

[Ben Alterman]

No, sunglasses. Oh, you thought I sold nuts?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. It sounds like you sell nuts.

[Ben Alterman]

No, no, no. I'm a sunglass nut.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you can be too, if you.

[Ben Alterman]

Come buy some sunglasses.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like a nut store wearing a song where you might be wearing sunglasses when you sell the nuts.

[Bing Lujo]

That's funny. I get nothing from it at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're not.

[Bing Lujo]

It's so baffling.

[Scott Aukerman]

No opinion.

[Bing Lujo]

If I saw a sword that said the sunglass nut, I wouldn't know what to do.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, really.

[Bing Lujo]

I'd probably just keep walking.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, damn it. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I have. We have a big announcement in here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Neptuna.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'm sorry. Neptuna. Yeah, you should plug something.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, I just have a dire warning for you, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, we don't have time.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Later, later, later.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll get to that later. Okay, I have a big announcement. You know our action figures that we've been selling? We're in the middle of phase two right now and this is very big news. The Reggie Watts and four Vol action figures are available now. Two new Comedy Bang Bang 3.75-inch action figures by FC Toys Series 2 figures Forville and Reggie Watts Foreville will be A little shorter than the action figures and he comes with two knife accessories. Figures are in stock now@figure collections.com we also have Italiano Jones, Andre Pigneur, Randy Snuts, Carissa Big Sue Sprague, the Whisperer, and Scott Aukerman. More coming soon. Available for customers [e-mail] with free shipping with the US address or in Europe with cheaper import fees@action figureseller.com I think we have. We're in the middle of phase two. The end of phase two. I believe we have a. We've already revealed Jeffrey character. Wheaties.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, I didn't know if it was going to be me or Jeffrey character.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not sure. Yeah. Who. Who did?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think it might be Jeffrey.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm not very well. Maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And then we also have a Dalton Wilcox, I believe, coming soon. Do you know Dalton Wilcox?

[Ben Alterman]

Do who you ask?

[Bing Lujo]

I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, hot dog. I believe there's a hot dog shaped bullet.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I will say I love Dalton Wilcox from the fantastic podcast Bananas for Bananza.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

One of my favorite podcasts that I listen to all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

And also in an alternate universe, Gaga for Gunsmoke as well.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's part of the crisis that's going on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ben Alterman]

It's one of my.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's my bananas from Bananas, I will say, is my sister. Second favorite western TV show themed podcast behind the Deadwood Boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Deadwood Boys are incredible.

[Ben Alterman]

Deadwood Boys are so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's such a good podcast.

[Ben Alterman]

I spent 94 years in an alternate dimension.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it in the book?

[Ben Alterman]

It's not in the book.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're in. Oh, oh. Meaning time passed differently there.

[Bing Lujo]

Is this the ultimate dimension?

[Ben Alterman]

I. I've lost track.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, we'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll clear it up in the crisis. Don't worry about it. Yeah, we'll get. We'll get everyone's continuity all settled, including the hot dog shaped bullet or whatever hot dog that you were involved.

[Ben Alterman]

I'm gonna have to take your word for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It. I haven't had blueberries since this morning. All right, well, let's. Oh, by the way, go to cbb world.com and get so many great shows over there. All right, let's close up the old plug. Ooh, that one didn't end with malice. Interesting. That was Plug Bond theme by Lothaha. Thanks to Lothaha. And that's of course some of our new remixes from the new song that just came out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't need it. Why not retire it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Retire what?

[Ben Alterman]

The plug.

[Scott Aukerman]

The podcast.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sure, the plug bag things.

[Scott Aukerman]

This will be the last episode.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, no, you can't because never quit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. We don't quit. We don't quit. Also, we're ground beefing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I forgot about that.

[Ben Alterman]

Retiring is different from quitting, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point.

[Bing Lujo]

That's a good point.

[Scott Aukerman]

He just quit like a quitter. He didn't retire. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's. He's still out there, like acting and stuff like that.

[Ben Alterman]

That's right. He's linked away, tail between legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, I want to thank you so much. Jason, of course.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What a delight.

[Scott Aukerman]

My pleasure.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Happy anniversary.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not an anniversary, but thank you so much.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Happy, happy, almost Happy middle year.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Thank you. And of course, being Lujo, felicitations to you. Thank you so much. And Ben Alterman, good luck with your book.

[Ben Alterman]

I don't need luck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I truly believe you're going to need a little bit of luck in order to sell some of this. But hopefully this did the trick and there's a little bit of interest in your book at this point.

[Ben Alterman]

I hope so.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And then, of course, original figure fig.

[Bing Lujo]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

What else needs to be said? Original Fig.

[Bing Lujo]

Good to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So good to see you. I'm so glad you showed up when I said your name.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Popping in right at the end. Great.

[Bing Lujo]

Hey, where Neptuna goes, that's where I go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right. Neptuna. Gotta say goodbye to you.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, yeah. Would you say my name backwards?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Untunept. Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's good that Neptuna and original Fig. 2 very difficult voices. We're only here for a little while.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just a little bit of time. But then we have to say goodbye to our good friend Hot Dog.

[Ben Alterman]

Please say my name backwards.

[Scott Aukerman]

God told God. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.

[Bing Lujo]

We've all been there.

[Scott Aukerman]

You hold on to a coupon, hoping.

[Ben Alterman]

To cash it in at the store.

[Scott Aukerman]

But then you forget about it and.

[Ben Alterman]

Suddenly you've got a mountain of useless expired coupons.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think this one's still good? Free milk.

[Ben Alterman]

Oh, mate, that expired in 1993.

[Bing Lujo]

Dang it.

[Ben Alterman]

Fortunately, there are better ways to save money. Like by some switching to Geico. You could save about 900 on car insurance without ever touching a coupon.

[Bing Lujo]

Ooh, how about this one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Half off floppy disks.

[Ben Alterman]

Now, you should try a bit of spring cleaning.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It feels good.

[Ben Alterman]

To save big it feels good to geico.

[Scott Aukerman]

Try angel stuff for your tushy. It's made by angels.

[Ben Alterman]

Soft and strong. Budget friendly. The choice is simple.

[Scott Aukerman]

A roll that feels like paradise and always at a heavenly prize. Angel Soft Angel Soft Soft Simple.

[Ben Alterman]

Pick up a pack today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Angel Soft when it's this cold, curl up with a snack that's cozy and delicious, like my Mochi ice cream. My Mochi is scoops of premium ice cream wrapped in soft dough with delicious flavors like strawberry and mango. It's creamy on the inside and chewy on the outside and only 70 calories a piece. Grab a warm blanket and snuggle up with a purple box of my Mochi ice cream today. It's the perfect wintertime treatment.