Money Come On Paper (Dan Mangan, Heather Anne Campbell, Austin Williams)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "Money Come On Paper"

Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Dan Mangan, Heather Anne Campbell (Resident Evil Merchant), Austin Williams (Lloyd Martin)
Date: February 16, 2026

Episode Overview

This lively installment of Comedy Bang Bang features Canadian indie music mainstay Dan Mangan (in his ninth appearance), the chaotic character Resident Evil Merchant (Heather Anne Campbell), and Las Vegas crooner Lloyd Martin (Austin Williams). The episode delivers a blend of earnest musical discussion, wild improvisational character work, and recurring absurd games, topped with two live musical performances from Mangan and “Lloyd Martin.” The recurring themes are generosity and absurdity in art, entrepreneurial hustle (even in the videogame horror economy), and what makes a life (or a “Would You Rather” round) worth singing about.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

Dan Mangan Returns: Music, Merch & Existential Angst

• Dan Mangan’s Ninth Appearance ([01:00]-[12:52])

  • Scott welcomes Dan, celebrating his entry into the “Nine Timers Club.”
  • Discussion of Dan’s career trajectory since his Comedy Bang Bang debut in 2011.
  • Dan recalls that meeting Comedy Bang Bang fans is a regular occurrence at his North American tour merch tables.
    • “Almost every single night…somebody will say, ‘I heard you on Comedy Bang Bang.’” – Dan Mangan ([03:55])

• Canadian Content Laws Bit ([04:18]-[04:49])

  • Scott and Dan joke about his fame in Canada being attributable more to “tariffs and NAFTA negotiations” than his actual music:
    • “It was a big part of the NAFTA negotiations: just my catalog.” – Dan Mangan ([04:39])

• Songwriting Collaboration Tale

  • Dan shares that comedian Mike Castle, husband of Lauren Lapkus, co-wrote a line for one of the songs on his new album, Natural Light. The line, borrowed from Castle’s wedding vows:
    • “I love you so much. In relative terms, I hate everyone else.” ([05:44])
  • Dan gave Castle a 5% songwriting credit:
    • “Is that generous?” – Dan ([06:50])
    • “That’s generous.” – Scott ([06:49])

• On Making "The Best Record" ([07:50]-[09:00])

  • Dan discusses the cliché of artists claiming each new record is "the best."
    • "This is the best record I’ve ever made...But this is the truth. I don’t know if I’ll ever match it again." – Dan ([07:50])
  • Scott riffs on only releasing podcast episodes that outdo all previous ones, claiming he discards 24 out of every 25 recordings.
    • “That’s why we only come out once a week.” – Scott ([08:52])

• Playful Compliments Trade ([11:00]-[11:37])

  • Scott solicits (and critiques) compliments from Dan.

Character Drop-In: Resident Evil Merchant

• The Resident Evil Merchant Arrives ([13:12]-[15:55])

  • Miller brings to life the “Resident Evil Merchant,” a gruff, literal-minded ex-videogame NPC suffering post-layoff.
  • The Merchant tries to flatter Scott with “delicate fingers” and a “good sensibility about food.”
  • Explains his backstory: fired from Resident Evil after a remake and now hustling in Los Angeles.
  • Dan and Merchant exchange in-character compliments:
    • “I love the way you ask about what I’m buying…what I’m selling…your voice.” – Dan ([15:05])

• Game Lore, Herbs & Hot Dogs ([15:55]-[20:33])

  • Merchant confesses he never sold the La Plaga virus, but trades in “red herb, green herb.”
  • Gut-busting digression on arbitrage at 7-11: buy a hot dog for $7, sell it back for $11.
    • “That’s why it’s called 7-11. That’s the exchange.” – Dan ([18:39])
    • “You buy hot dogs from them for $7, you can sell them back for $11.” – Scott ([18:51])
    • “Clerks hate it.” – Dan ([19:07])

• A Penny Saved ([21:04]-[22:31])

  • Philosophizes about Benjamin Franklin, memes, and money wisdom:
    • “He was a freak and a pervert.” – Dan ([21:59])
    • “Original saying is actually ‘a pony saved is a pony earned.’” – Dan ([22:10])

• Society, Infrastructure & Zombie Realism ([25:51]-[27:39])

  • Resident Evil Merchant and Dan ruminate on what falls first in the apocalypse: not schools, but plumbing.
  • Resident Evil Merchant: “Gasoline only lasts about two months. It loses its ability to combust.” ([27:00])
  • Side note: Scott briefly name drops his upcoming appearance as a spaceship captain on Invincible ([27:34])

First Musical Performance: Dan Mangan

• "Diminishing Returns" (Climate Change & Sex) ([29:02]-[32:10])
  • Mangan debuts “Diminishing Returns,” tying the anxiety of climate change to the urgency—and comfort—of intimacy:
    • “I don’t presume to know what is in store / or just how many wolves are at the door…but I have seen your body bending with the morning light ascending.” ([30:50])
  • “As it gets hotter, we’ll get hornier.” – Scott, post-song ([32:10])

Lloyd Martin: The Vegas Crooner

• Vegas Tales and Crooner Banter ([42:08]-[45:31])

  • Lloyd Martin claims to have been a Bellagio singer since before the hotel existed, even “before the Irish could vote.”
    • “Before the Irish could vote, and if it were up to me, they still wouldn’t.” – Lloyd ([43:21])
  • Claims a “Supreme Court contract” with lifetime Bellagio employment.
  • Sound effect device used as conversational punctuation throughout.

• Musical Numbers: Whispered Standards ([47:45]-[52:09])

  • Lloyd “sings” “Pennies from Heaven” and “Mack the Knife” in nearly inaudible style reminiscent of the Country Bear Jamboree.
    • “I was singing my heart out, Scott! What are you talking about?” – Lloyd ([48:56])
  • Claims to have had all his bones replaced by a Disneyland Imagineer.
    • “I took a DNA test – I’m 70% Danish, 30% Country Bear Jamboree.” – Lloyd ([50:07])

Second Musical Performance: Dan Mangan

• "Goodbye America" (Unreleased Song Debut) ([52:49]-[56:29])
  • Mangan brings a sharp-edged yet hopeful outsider’s love letter to America.
    • “So goodbye America / It’s your party and you’ll cry if you want to / you big baby trying to get back in the womb.” ([53:21])
    • “I still think it matters.” ([56:26])

Classic CBB Game: Would You Rather?

• Rules Reset & Catastrophic Point Losses ([65:02]-[79:25])
  • Scott overcomplicates the rules, point-docks Lloyd and Merchant for asking questions before the floor’s open.
    • “Can I make statement is in fact a lot like money come on paper.” – Scott ([71:28])
  • Would You Rather: “Have tentacles for arms or only be able to have sex while impersonating Nicolas Cage?” ([70:05])
  • Participants pile on with baseless assumptions, alliance-forming, and question-dodging.
  • Votes:
    • Dan: Sex as Nic Cage (wife and he already have a “Nick Cage different movie” bedroom pact)
    • Resident Evil Merchant: Tentacles for arms (“because I know you’ll be there with me, Scott”)
    • Lloyd: “Becoming a young man when I have sex” (goes off-menu)
  • Scoring is treated with brilliant absurdity, Lloyd wins... then loses... then Resident Evil Merchant wins after a song interruption.

Plugs & Final Song

• Rapid-fire Plugs ([80:02]-[83:51])
  • Dan Mangan: US tour dates (April – Hood River, Decatur, Raleigh, Cambridge, Philadelphia, Brooklyn, Providence, Vermont).
  • Resident Evil Merchant: Now “permanent” second host of CBB (“thick podcast lists”—shout out to Get Played).
  • Lloyd Martin: UCB’s Cowboy Mama, and “Career-Defining Life-Altering Industry Showcase.”
  • Scott: CBB action figures on sale (including Dan with guitar).
• Dan’s Final Song: “I Hated Love Songs Until I Knew You” ([85:06]-[88:09])
  • Written with Mike Castle; includes the famous line:
    • “In relative terms I hate everyone else—it's true, I hated love songs until I knew you.” ([86:55])
  • Lloyd and Resident Evil Merchant join in for an emotional, silly, and surprisingly collaborative group sing-at-the-close.

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Notable Quotes and Timely Laughter

• "This is the best record I’ve ever made. For sure… I don’t know if I’ll ever match it again. So I’m just going to live in the existential dread of that." — Dan Mangan ([07:50])
• “If this isn’t the best episode… then I throw it away. That’s why we only come out once a week. I record probably 25 a week.” — Scott Aukerman ([08:43])
• “ASCAP is so much funny.” — Dan Mangan ([06:30])
• “Almost every single night, if I go to the merch table... somebody will say, ‘I heard you on Comedy Bang Bang.’” — Dan Mangan ([03:55])
• “Clerks hate it.” — Dan Mangan, on the 7-11 Hot Dog Arbitrage ([19:07])
• “He was a freak. He was a pervert.” — Dan Mangan, on Benjamin Franklin ([21:59])
• “Gasoline only lasts about two months… It loses its ability to combust.” — Resident Evil Merchant ([27:00])
• "I took a DNA test, I’m 70% Danish, 30% Country Bear Jamboree." — Lloyd Martin ([50:07])
• “As it gets hotter, we’ll get hornier.” — Scott Aukerman ([32:10])
• “I hope you make it. Rest up, take care, get better soon… Goodbye America.” — Dan Mangan lyric ([53:22])

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Noteworthy Moments & Timestamps

• [03:55] – Dan describes CBB fans at his merch table.
• [05:44] – Mike Castle’s wedding vow becomes a song lyric.
• [15:55] – Resident Evil Merchant’s arrival and "What are you buying?" bit.
• [18:39] – The 7-11 exchange rate hot-dog hustle.
• [21:59] – Benjamin Franklin is called a “pervert and a freak.”
• [29:02] – Mangan’s first live song (“Diminishing Returns”).
• [47:45] and [51:01] – Lloyd Martin’s whispered crooner standards.
• [52:49] – “Goodbye America” live debut.
• [65:02] – Start of "Would You Rather" game.
• [70:05] – Would you rather: tentacles for arms or only have sex as Nic Cage?
• [85:06] – Dan & group perform “I Hated Love Songs Until I Knew You.”

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Tone and Style

The episode is classic Comedy Bang Bang—a mix of sincerely enthusiastic music nerd chat, relentlessly self-parodic podcast discourse, rapid-fire bits, earnest public-radio-style interviews derailed by surreal character improvisations, and top-shelf guest musical performances. The humor swings joyfully between dry deadpan (Mangan and Aukerman), high-concept “loser entrepreneur” (Resident Evil Merchant), and anti-humor crooning (Lloyd Martin).

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Summary Takeaways

• Dan Mangan remains a CBB favorite, unveiling new material and stories with sly modesty.
• The Resident Evil Merchant is your new favorite “former video game NPC turned LA hustler.”
• Lloyd Martin’s schtick as a Vegas crooner is low-key Dadaist brilliance.
• The episode is both a showcase for authentic indie music and a masterclass in comedic improvisation.
• “Would You Rather” remains as nonsensical, competitive, and delightful as ever.

If you haven’t listened, this episode delivers standout music, killer character work, and more inside-joke density per minute than most long-running TV comedies.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

From visionary Kenya Barris, creator of Black Ish, comes Big Age, the hilarious and heartwarming Audible original comedy about love, aging and finding your way in life's next chapter. Big Age stars comedy legends Jennifer Lewis, Cedric the Entertainer and Niecy Nash Betts. It follows recently retired couple Dot and Butch Watts reluctant relocation to their new Floridian home, Sunset Gardens, a senior community that is anything but relaxing. Listen to Kenya Barris new laugh out loud Audible original comedy Big Age Age does funny things. Go to audible.com bigageseries to start listening today. Everyone deserves to be connected. That's why T Mobile and US Cellular are joining forces. Switch to T Mobile and save up to 20% versus Verizon by getting built in benefits.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

They leave out. Check the math@t mobile.com switch and now T mobile is in US cellular stores.

[Scott Aukerman]

Savings versus Comparable Verizon plans plus the cost of optional benefits plan features in Texas and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third line free via monthly bill credits. Credit stop if you cancel any lines. Qualifying credit required. Always the 2011 comedy film Bridesmaids. Never the upcoming 2025. Sorry, 2026 horror film the Bride. Oh, I messed that up. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to not Alvaro Mendez for that catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We have a great show coming up a little later. Oh boy. We have a two singer show. Oh, wow. And not the singer sewing machines. No, we have two performers who are going to sing songs for us today on the show. That's exciting. We also have an entrepreneur. This is a great episode of Comedy Bang Bang as far as I'm concerned. To have a 2 sing a dinghy. This is incredible. Why don't we get to. By the way, my name is Scott Aukerman. I'm not necessarily a singer, but I've been known to carry a tune. So we'll see how that goes. Let's get to our first guest. He's an old, old friend of the show. His first episode was 2011. Hard to believe he is entering the nine timers club on Comedy Bang Bang. He is here promoting his newish album Natural Light. Please welcome back to the show, Dan Mangan.

[Dan Mangan]

Hello. Thank you for having me, Dan. So nice to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

See you. From Vancouver.

[Dan Mangan]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anytime we play a show in Vancouver, people say, oh good, Dan will be there. And you have been. I think every single time.

[Dan Mangan]

It's not so secret surprise. Every single time.

[Scott Aukerman]

We can't say you're going to be there because Then people would come expecting.

[Dan Mangan]

I mean, then they wouldn't come.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, come on. They would come expecting a full concert. But honestly, you play three songs, how much longer could a full concert actually be?

[Dan Mangan]

And how much more could they possibly want?

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Welcome back to the show. It's always great having you. Of course, we talk about how the first time you were on the show in 2011, we didn't know each other and I just got a. Maybe it was even a CD of your.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of your album. And I really liked it and asked you to do the show and you came expecting it to be God bless promo people.

[Dan Mangan]

I guess you send CDs. CDs are these little plastic things that spin around in a circle and make music.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And you came and you didn't know what it was and you had such a great time. You've been here now nine times. An incredible success story.

[Dan Mangan]

It really is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

You know what? I've been on tour all down the west coast just now, the last couple of weeks and almost every single night. If I go to the merch table to talk with folks afterwards, somebody will say, I heard you on Comedy Bank.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's. I love hearing that. How often do you go to that merch table to talk to people?

[Dan Mangan]

It's a size related thing. If they. 10% of the time in Canada, where the size is a little larger. I don't go because it ruins my voice to talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are. And I believe we talked about it. You're very famous in Canada. Huge, Hugely famous in Canada legend. Mainly because of the Canadian content laws mostly. And the tariffs.

[Dan Mangan]

It's also the tariffs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, that's the thing is like we want to buy your music, but.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, well, you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tariffs on your. On your mp3s.

[Dan Mangan]

In fact, it was a big part of the NAFTA negotiations, was just my catalog and what people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Dan Mangan]

Canada. We're going to do to figure out who could listen and when and how much it was going to cost.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are on tour right now. In fact, you have some upcoming dates in April. You've been touring your record Natural Light, which is as far as I'm concerned, an SCC stone cold classic. And it's a great one. If you, if you haven't heard Dan's stuff, you, you. I mean, you're going to play some songs here.

[Dan Mangan]

I'll play some stuff for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but it's a great. And you know, I was, I was on the Wikipedia page of the, of the record today trying desperately to think of things to talk to you about.

[Dan Mangan]

It's hard.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I had no idea. And I just brought this up to the group chat. I had no idea that our friend Mike Castle wrote. Co. Wrote one of your songs. So Lauren Lapkis very husband.

[Dan Mangan]

That's right. You were there. You were at the wedding when he said the words. I mean, it was like some of the best wedding vows I've ever heard. Both of them, such brilliant writers.

[Scott Aukerman]

They put him through AI as well. Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

They polished him up.

[Lloyd Martin]

Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

As you do. And he said to Lauren, you know, I love you so much. In relative terms, I hate everyone else. And it killed. Right. Like, it was. It was. It was like a penultimate moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

It slayed so hard that Lauren kind of got jealous. And she, like, looked at the crowd and scowled at him and said, don't laugh as much for him.

[Dan Mangan]

She completely lost focus that she was the. The, like, you know, the target of the adoration. And I thought that line was so brilliant that I put it in a song and I sent it to Mike, and he was like, oh, that's so cool. And then I. I encouraged him to get a membership to a performing rights organization so that I could properly credit him with some of the songwriting.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is ASCAP or BMI one of these two?

[Dan Mangan]

I think I directed him to ascap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Dan Mangan]

Which has the best name? That's the only reason.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

ASCAP is so much funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's asap, but with a C in the middle of it, which is cool. But I'm a member of that organization myself. And so he wrote that one line. How much of a cut does he actually get? Does he get a full fourth or.

[Dan Mangan]

I think I gave him 5%.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

5%.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's generous.

[Dan Mangan]

Is that generous?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's generous. To be awesome.

[Dan Mangan]

I thought you were gonna say the opposite thing.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I thought you were gonna say no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, I start at one and then have him negotiate up to two.

[Dan Mangan]

He was very pleased. I was pleased. It was a win for everybody. I was happy to. To, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's so nice. That's. I had no idea about that story. I. I texted it to our. Our group chat, and he has not responded.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, classic.

[Scott Aukerman]

He must be working. I don't know what's going on, but.

[Dan Mangan]

I don't know what he does, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, yeah. Does he work? Actually, we don't know, but that's. That's so good. And it's a. It's a gorgeous, beautiful song. I also played one, your recent holiday song on cbbfm, which we all talked about and said it was so good. Thank you so much. Good stuff. And you've been touring with Natural Light, which came out in 2025. And once the tour is over, what happens?

[Dan Mangan]

Crawl into a hole and die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, Cool. All right. Well, it's been great knowing you. I guess you won't join the Ten Timers Club. Although if we. If we play Vancouver this summer, maybe you.

[Dan Mangan]

Or will. He. Will he?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Won't he?

[Scott Aukerman]

I.

[Dan Mangan]

You know what? This is the best record I've ever made. For sure. Every artist says that about their latest record. It's so cringy and stupid. But this is the truth. I don't know if I'll ever match it again. And so I'm just going to live in the existential dread of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but before it came out, you had made a best record. You know what I mean? Before. Before it came out, you were like, oh, that whatever it was, is the best record I've ever made. I'll probably never top it. And then you went and made a new record and you topped it. So you can. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, you can do that every single time you. This is what I don't understand. Like, people who make movies and. And put out records and stuff, why.

[Dan Mangan]

Do they make bad ones?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Make it the best one that you've ever put out.

[Dan Mangan]

It's. I mean, it is that simple, right? Like, just like, why do you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like, why? Like, here's what I would do if I. If I were making something and I. It got. I got it back after it was done, and it was not as good as anything else I'd ever put out. I would say, like, oh, I'll just throw it away.

[Dan Mangan]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's what I do with this podcast here. If this isn't the best episode, like, better than every single. Every episode we've ever put out, then I throw it away.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's why we only come out once a week. I record probably 25 a week, at least, and I only put out the ones that are better than every single other.

[Dan Mangan]

And that's the thing. I'm the nine timers club that got to air.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Dan Mangan]

We've done 50 or 60.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've done so many episodes, and they've been terrible.

[Dan Mangan]

So bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

But. Or not terrible, just not as good as the ones that I put out before. Of course, so are you. I. So I would encourage you, by the way. I'm constantly staying saying stuff around you, and you've never, like, stolen one of my things and given me 5% of a song, you know, like. Like I'm constantly like.

[Dan Mangan]

So I'm just. I'm writing right now in my head. I guess I can write and listen at the same time. And it goes like, you know, I'm.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

Always saying things around you and you're never putting my words in a song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not horrible, to be honest. It's.

[Dan Mangan]

But is it the best song I've ever written? I don't know if I'm going to release that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we'll figure it out. Anyway, I'm looking. And by the way, you're not going to stick me at 5%, by the way. Now, I know that's what you're willing to pay.

[Dan Mangan]

I'm talking to a bonafide ASCAP member.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is a really great record. You know, look, I don't think that I have to sell you to comedy Bang Bang listeners. They obviously, they come up to you at the merch table anytime you deign to actually go to one and they tell you they've heard of you through this show. I don't have to sell people, but there we do have new listeners all the time. I think the last time you were on the show was. I mean, obviously our last tour show, but the last time you were on this show proper was three years ago. Episode 794.

[Dan Mangan]

I was gonna say 797. So yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But we have new listeners that have started listening to the show since then. So if you haven't checked out Dan's stuff, you gotta check it out. He is not as well known here in the States, but we're. We're desperately trying to change that. We're working on it. You're out here, you're really plugging away. I mean, you're. You're making a concerted effort.

[Dan Mangan]

I crossed the border to be here, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And that's not such an easy thing to do these days.

[Dan Mangan]

Get weirder and weirder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So we love when you come down here. We love that you make time for the show, and we love your music. So those are three things we love about you. Now name three things you love about me.

[Dan Mangan]

You have a nice laptop.

[Scott Aukerman]

And really about me, it's about my possessions. But I guess I did. My personality enabled me to earn the money to buy that laptop. So I'll take it.

[Dan Mangan]

Your shirt matches your eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I didn't buy either of those things, but. And I'm not in control of my eyes. I really wish you would compliment me on something that I had some sort of control over.

[Dan Mangan]

I like your podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you like the guests on it. You don't like me, probably, but I'll take it. Look, I'll take it, Dan. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. Now, you're gonna play some songs before we go to a break, is that right?

[Dan Mangan]

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We. I don't. I don't think we're ready for it quite yet, but you're at the ready.

[Dan Mangan]

I'm. I'm ready. You cue me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You brought a musical instrument with with you. Do we need to explain what this is to people or.

[Dan Mangan]

It's. I believe it's called a guitar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guiter. Guider.

[Dan Mangan]

Guider. Guiter.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you have that new. It looks as if you have a capo. Is capo short for anything?

[Dan Mangan]

Like caponari, caponographer, Latin.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're like, capo's really high up on the neck.

[Dan Mangan]

It's too high. It's so normally the song that I was going to play first, at some point we'll play.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll play it. When we go to a break, we'll.

[Dan Mangan]

Get there was it. I recorded it. The whole thing tuned down a full step.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dan Mangan]

And I. I don't want to do that to my guitar right now. So I. I put the capo on the 10th.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how do you play it? Cuz it's all the way up there by the body of the guitar.

[Dan Mangan]

Uncomfortably is how that looks too hard.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I would just quit if I were you.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, I'll suffer for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Dan's going to play some music, so this is really exciting that you're here. We always love when you're here. And check out all of Dan's earlier appearances, but not yet.

[Dan Mangan]

Like, wait till the end of the podcast and then go listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Turn this one off. Who cares? Just listen to the old ones. We need to get to our next guest, if that's okay. They are an entrepreneur and I don't really know what store they're in charge of, but please welcome to the show for the first time, the resident evil merchant.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Hey, it's me, the resident evil merchant, and I'm here to say hello to my new best friend, Scott and my second new best friend, Dan. Hi, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Hello. Hi, how are you doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi. So nice to meet you.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's nice to meet you too. I'm a fan of the podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Well, that's so nice. I mean, see, this is how you compliment.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I had to name three things about you that I liked Your fingers are delicate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Do you have a good sensibility about food?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know where you're getting that from.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I watch to eat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Wait, when?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I haven't eaten for about two hours at this point.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I got here early.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I got here early and I was, you know, just doing some recon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. Reconnaissance.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, reconnaissance. So do you think that could be called a caponnaissance?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, maybe that's what it's short for.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I didn't know there was a longer word.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get to the third thing? I can't recall my fingers. The way my relationship to food. And what was the other thing? Oh, I guess the podcast. You like that?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, those three things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wonderful to have you. The Resident Evil Merchant.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Former.

[Scott Aukerman]

Former. Formerly Resident Evil. But you're still a merchant.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm still a merchant. I, I, I, I, I got fired from my job. No. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Layoffs. Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

They remade the game with somebody else.

[Lloyd Martin]

No.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's devastating, but I, I've been so sorry. Making ends meet, Los Angeles.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. I, I have to be honest, Dan, Are you a gamer at all? Do you ever play video games?

[Dan Mangan]

I played Resident Evil a long time.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I say, you know, you know my work. What are you buying?

[Dan Mangan]

Well, I. And I. I.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What are you selling? I love me.

[Dan Mangan]

I love at least three things about you.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Oh, you know, at least I love it.

[Dan Mangan]

Okay, let me, Let me. I love the way you ask about what I'm. What I'm buying.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Okay, that's. Yeah. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why.

[Dan Mangan]

And I love the way you ask about what I'm selling.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Dan Mangan]

And I love your voice.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Thank you so much. It means a lot to me. I can't wait to love your voice. I love a singing voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I myself cannot sing.

[Scott Aukerman]

You cannot sing? Really? No. You've tried to, or.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't carry a tune or you people don't. You can carry a tune and people don't like the sound of your voice.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Wait, where do you have to go with it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. Is this what you're like in the game? You taking things very literally? I have to confess, I haven't played Resident Evil. I don't. I don't really know anything about it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Oh, don't. You don't gotta do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, is that one where you wander around or do you shoot people?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, there's like a guy that you control and he shoots people who have La Plaga. And then. And then when you stop by. And you need to buy something, you buy it from me or the guy who got hired after I lost my job.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess you can't say something like Laplaga and not actually explain it to a person like me.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Oh, a virus developed by the Umbrella Corporation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dan, you know all this, though, it's.

[Dan Mangan]

Been a moment, but, yeah, it is all coming back. And I can feel the Plaga coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Feels like. I mean, you say it's been. It feels like if something like that were to happen in real life, it wouldn't be like, oh, yeah, it's been a minute since the Laplaga virus that was developed by the Umbrella Corporation came out. But I sort of remember the wild.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

The wild thing about it is, you know, it didn't actually go away. We just kind of normalized it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's still out there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still make fun of people for wearing masks.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Exactly. You can get it at the grocery store. I mean, you can't buy it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't buy the Le Plug.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I don't think you can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So you never sold it?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

No, I don't sell. The blogger.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were the. Some of the things you would sell to people?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Red herb, green herb.

[Scott Aukerman]

To what end? Why are people buying these herbs? They have restorative or medicinal qualities.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Not my business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you don't know why.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You know why.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you don't want to talk.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm not. I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

No judgment, okay?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

No judgment for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Red herb, green herb.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Red herb, green.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll take a little bit of the green, if you know what I'm saying, Dan.

[Dan Mangan]

Oh, yeah. Get that resi Eve going.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

All right, great. I'll come back later.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't. Well, I mean.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

No, I'll drop it off. I'm free from 11:30 tonight until about 1 in the morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those hours are way too late for me. I'm not. I'm not quite sure that I'll be receptive to that.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, then I'll get in. I'll leave it for you. I'll get out on my own.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I don't know. I don't know if I like the sound of that, but what other things would you sell to people? And weapons?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, weapons. Upgrade. Screws.

[Scott Aukerman]

Screws?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah. If you need to, like, upgrade your weapon, you could get like, I had a bag of screws.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had a bag of screws, and people would buy these from you?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah. Yeah. Bag of screws.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyone ever need just one screw? And you're like, this isn't worth it for me to keep one screw.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's like when you ask a guy at 7:11 if you can have one of the six cans and he gets upset. That's me. I don't. You're not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although if you ask for one of their hot dogs, they're fine with it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Is that true?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I gotta. I gotta shift my order around it at 7:11.

[Scott Aukerman]

7:11. In the resident Evil universe, nobody's here in Los Angeles, Right.

[Dan Mangan]

Where I live now, sometimes I go to several of them to sell hot dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Are you the dealer?

[Dan Mangan]

No, I. But, like, when I go in there and they're like, are you buying or are you selling?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, a lot of people don't know. 711 will buy things from you, too.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Do you know there's, like, an exchange rate difference, a different 711 on hot dogs? Because I see an angle.

[Dan Mangan]

That's why it's called 7 11. That's the exchange.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. 7 to 11, you buy them.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's a ratio of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's a name.

[Dan Mangan]

I say you turn a profit, my friend.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, that is. I mean, you guys are making money out here.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you buy hot dogs from them for $7, you can sell them back for $11.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's one simple trick that they don't want you to know about.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Oh, that's like a YouTube video. You know what? YouTube is one simple trick and make an instant money. Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

Clerks hate it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Clerks hate this. One simple trick.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Buy a hot dog at 7 and you only have to get one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You do have to leave the establishment. You can't just, like, buy it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

That's okay. They always want me to leave.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to, like, turn around. And some people do the. Who is it? Grandpa Simpson who turns around and walks right in the famous meme Dan.

[Dan Mangan]

I put on a wig is what I did when I come back in, and I pretend I'm a totally different person.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

So this is like a scam you've been running for a while.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah. I mean, let's say music is hard to make a living at. So hot dogs is my side hustle.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hot dogs. Easy to make a living at.

[Dan Mangan]

Easy, Easy. You know, the super bowl, people are cooking hot dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

But the thing is, is about 7 11, they only have, like, three or four in the. In the thing at a time. So it's not like you can like, oh, I'll have 5,000 hot dogs.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You gotta call them ahead of time. You just be like, hey, I'm gonna be there in a half hour. I need 30 of those boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you sell hot dogs?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I mean, I, I, I've sold a lot of things since I lost my job. Hot dogs, Socks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Socks.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

There's a lot of free stuff you can get down at the LA river and then sell it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, free stuff like, like you can take it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

People throw stuff away and you can get a profit. But now that I know this hot dog angle, I have to ask.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you just say the first thing you said something about, blah, blah, blah, blah. I, I hate to. I, I mean, I, you know.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Are you recording this, dude?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but I don't wanna, I don't wanna rewind it just so I could hear exactly what you said.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I didn't realize you were repeating all this. I didn't understand the concept of this show.

[Scott Aukerman]

We, I'm listening to it in the moment, but. And then I recorded for future listens for other people. Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Okay. So it's not lost to time, what I said?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Although, you know, can you imagine that until podcasts were invented, most of what human beings said was lost to time?

[Dan Mangan]

It's a shame.

[Scott Aukerman]

Other than if you were some guy like Ben Franklin who would write down all the, like, oh, a penny saved. Oh, yeah, that's cool.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

A penny saved is a penny earned.

[Dan Mangan]

That is crazy. Yeah, that is crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He came up with that, didn't he? Ben Franklin. I know you're, you're Canadian. Don't know a lot about this.

[Dan Mangan]

No, I remember this meme.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, yeah, the Benjamin Franklin meme.

[Dan Mangan]

He invented that. He was an inventor, right? He invented the meme.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Can I, I'm sorry, can I ask a clarifying question about what you said?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

When you're saving the penny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

How is it making more money?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think the, I think the, the concept behind that, if I'm not mistaken, is, is that if you immediately spend every money that you work for, it's like you haven't worked at all. I don't know. I don't know. This guy was fucking crazy. Bifocal electricity lover.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

He was a freak and a pervert.

[Scott Aukerman]

A freak. He was a pervert.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Really? I know this about him. He used to sit on his porch naked, this guy. I tried to remain clothed, but the.

[Dan Mangan]

Original saying is actually a pony. Saved is a pony urn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? And people just mispronounced it all these years.

[Dan Mangan]

It was like broken telephone kind of thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, got it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, I like that. Tracks a little bit more. More than a penny. Because if you have a pony and you get rid of it, you can't go anywhere. But if you have a penny, it's like it's the same amount of money.

[Dan Mangan]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point.

[Dan Mangan]

Unless you take it to 711 and then we'll give you 11 pennies for.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every seven.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Across the board. Anything you could bring in, anything, anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

You buy there, it's on the 7:11 ratio.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

That is. I don't know how they're.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. That's because people don't know about it. Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

So I'm always trying to make money and I'm doing an okay job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You know, if you have something you need, you just slide me little piece of paper and I'll probably find it for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it a paper that says what we need on it or are you talking about money? Currency?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Money, come on, paper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Money, come on, paper. I hate to break it to you, but money, come on, paper.

[Dan Mangan]

I have always said that.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I thought because I saw a TV show where that money was. If he was on paper, it was counterfeit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That I. Occasionally there will be a crime film of some sort that they'll deal in counterfeit paper. But I mean, you need to see more than one film because I have.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You'd be surprised how infrequently the printing of money is the subject of a movie. So I saw that in a movie and I was like, oh God, I gotta find out more about this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me a good idea for just a down on his luck guy who works at the Treasury.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I like a movie that. You're right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. People write movies. Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then they only put them out when they're good and better than the previous one they make with it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Like your podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Exactly. Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

There's 50 movies made to everyone that shows it.

[Scott Aukerman]

The theater, usually, the race. It's not a 7 to 11 ratio necessarily. It's a 50 to 1 or something.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

If you exchange one movie at 7:11, do you get a better one back?

[Scott Aukerman]

You do. Yeah. Especially at the red box outside the red. The red box? Yeah. Did you. Did you used to sell things in a red box or what was your store?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Did I sell things in it? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. What did your store look like? I haven't played the game.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's okay. It's okay. I didn't mean to upset you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't mean to upset you. I feel like I don't know anything about you and I don't know what questions to ask you.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Oh, no, okay, well, you could ask me, like. Okay, you asked me how I sold if.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Did you sell things in a red box?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I have a jacket with a lot of pockets, and I open up their jacket and I show you the words.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Are people scared that you're going to open up the jacket and you're naked like Benjamin Franklin?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I mean, because of the Citizen app. Yeah, but otherwise they are unafraid, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

If that Citizen app were around during the founding Father's days, who knows what would happen?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You get a little red icon over Benjamin Franklin's house. But to answer your question, you can ask me any question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'll talk to you about philosophy, I'll talk about recipes. I'm talking about anything you want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, do you think philosophical question with recipes. Okay, yeah, well, I guess could overlap with high school, but is it morally right for people to use someone else's recipe?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

That's interesting. Okay, okay. So is it morally correct in high school? Are you taking credit for the dish? Like, are you, like, this is my curse?

[Dan Mangan]

No, you get, you get class credit for the. For doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was even going to say, is it morally right to use someone else.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Turn in food for a class if you're good? Yeah, I. I flunked school. And if I had known this, I would have brought a sandwich in every day.

[Scott Aukerman]

They have school in the Resident Evil universe.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, they do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because. Did that ever come up when you were playing the game, Dan?

[Dan Mangan]

Mostly just zombies shooting stuff.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Right. But you've seen the infrastructure. The land of ruin only happens because the infrastructure pre exists and once starts collapsing, then, like, the school system shut down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the first thing to go? The school system?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, the plumbing is the first thing to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what they don't talk about in these zombie universes. Yeah, it was like the Walking Dead and all these things. They're in the woods all the time.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

All the time, all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or buckets.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

A bucket. But you can put sand over it, but it fill up fast.

[Dan Mangan]

That's good though. Like, where the zombies pooing. That's a. Do zombies poo?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do zombies.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I mean, that's a horrible thing to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think about because they're already gross enough, but then to think about them with, like, eating all the intestines and stuff.

[Dan Mangan]

And eventually one of those zombies is gonna be like, God, I'm stuck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or do they explode once they eat too much?

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would be a way to get rid of them.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You just gotta bring them to a buffet, sacrifice, and like, stand back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know another thing that's inaccurate about the Walking Dead?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, gasoline only lasts about two months.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? But they're always out there. Like finding old cars. Yeah, yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It loses its ability to combust, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't so any. Anything. Two months into the Walking Dead universe, cars would be worthless unless people are out there making new gas.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, generators, all of it. Wouldn't work.

[Scott Aukerman]

So why did we watch this shit with our good friend, previous guest Robert Kirkman created.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Oh yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I'm part of the invincible universe coming up in season four or five, whichever one is coming up.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What does that mean? Are you invincible now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Invincible is another show that he created.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Are you on it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I will be on it, yes.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You get to keep your powers when you go home.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so. I believe I'm a spaceship captain of some sort. So I believe I only have the. The power to be able to navigate ships.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Ask your where you the power to navigate ships?

[Scott Aukerman]

Spaceships, maybe Only to give orders to the people who know how to do it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, that seems like a skill you couldn't leave the set with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess so. There wasn't really a set either. It's a cartoon. So I kind of went into a place in Burbank and just laid a couple of tracks down.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, I filmed that in Burbank. It looks good.

[Dan Mangan]

Like hip hop. Like you were spitting verses.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you know, I was like, turn me up in the headphones. Oh, no, too loud, too loud. Turn me down in the headphones. No, softer, softer.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I can't hear my snare. That's what they say a lot. I can't. I got no snare in my headphones. Okay. One, two. That's how they started rap.

[Scott Aukerman]

One, two. Yeah, it's like, hey, guys, call me back when it's three, four.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You gotta be offer only for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was offer only. And I was indeed offered and I believe my only acting gig in the last three years because I'm offer only.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

When can I call you my best friend?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, dear. You know what? Let's wait until the end of the show to see how we land because you never know what happens on this show. But you know what, Resident evil merchant, we do need to take a break, if that's okay. We're going to Dan, are you ready to play a song? What do you got here?

[Dan Mangan]

I'm going to do a song. This is about climate change and sex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Climate change and sex. And I would imagine, like, the hotter it gets, the more horny we are something to that. You can put that in the song and I'll take 6%.

[Dan Mangan]

It is deeply inspired by Nelly. It's getting hot in her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. All right, here we go. This is Dan Mangan with a newish song.

[Dan Mangan]

This is a song called Diminishing Returns.

[Scott Aukerman]

Diminishing returns.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

Everyone agrees we are concerned. One place underwater another burns? No one is surprised but everybody's shocked? With diminishing returns? Worn out shoes from pacing around the room? The hashtag used is universal doom? Fished up all the fishes and wishing for more wishes with diminishing returns? You could say the walls are caving in? That the waves will come and wash away these castles made of sand? Doesn't change the way I feel? Cause what's real is you and me in the afternoon? Just your love in the afternoon? I don't presume to know what is in store? Or just how many wolves are at the door? But I've seen your body bending with the morning light ascending? And I will die defending our diminishing returns? Oh, you could say the walls are caving in? That the waves will come and wash away these castles made of sand? Doesn't change the way I feel? Cause what's real is you and me in the afternoon? Just your love in the afternoon? Even just the thought of you. Well, I love you in the afternoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

And as it gets hotter, we'll get hornier. All right, my man. Very nice, Dan. Loved it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we're gonna take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have more with Dan Mangan. We're gonna have more music with him. We're gonna have more with our resident evil merchant singer. This is a two singer Dinger. Here we go. We're going to be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just beginning or ready to grow your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, premium workshops. So much stuff. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline Your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. For some of us, you know, the cooking is a mystery. You know, you go to the the market and all those ingredients and you're like, how do you put these things together? I remember during the first week of the pandemic when things were flying off the shelves, I went to the market and I just bought a can of beans. I was like, these will come in handy. Anyway, look, you want to eat better, right? But you have zero time, you have zero energy to make it happen. Factor doesn't ask you to meal prep or follow recipes. It just it, it removes the entire problem. Two minutes real food done. You're not failing at healthy eating. You're failing at having three extra hours every night to make sure that you're healthy eating. Well, Factor. It's already made by chefs, designed by dietitians and delivered to your door. Their meals are made with lean proteins, colorful vegetables, whole food ingredients and healthy fats. You know the kind of stuff that you'd make if you had the time. I love Factor. We've been having it delivered here for, for months on our own dime. They're not sending it to us for free. We're, we're paying for it. And you know it works because as a podcaster, you know, who works roughly two hours a week. I don't have time to do any of this stuff. Head over to factor meals.com Bang Bang 50 off and use code Bang Bang 50 off to get 50% off. That's the 50 off of your first factor box plus free breakfast for one year offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy. With Factor, everyone deserves to be connected. That's why T Mobile and US Cellular are joining forces. Switch to T Mobile and save up.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

To 20% versus Verizon by getting built.

[Scott Aukerman]

In benefits they leave out.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Check the math@t mobile.com switch and now T mobile is in US cellular stores.

[Scott Aukerman]

Savings versus Comparable Verizon plans plus the cost of optional benefits. Plan features and taxes and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third line free via monthly bill credits. Credit stop if you cancel any lines. Qualifying credit required. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Dan Mangan is here. The album is Natural Light and he just played a song called Diminishing Returns. Is that on the record. I can't recall.

[Dan Mangan]

Track number two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Track number two. So that's. You really front loaded this thing.

[Dan Mangan]

Hot, hot, hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the one that you. You wrote with Mike, that he gets 5% of, that's number three.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

Good memory.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wow. And then what's number one again?

[Dan Mangan]

Song called? Actually, it's a song that I debuted on Comedy Bang. Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Dan Mangan]

Called It Might be Raining.

[Scott Aukerman]

Before you ever recorded it, you played it with us up in Vancouver.

[Dan Mangan]

Vancouver, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And got a great response. And then that' lead off track of your. Of your record.

[Dan Mangan]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible. And if. If no one had liked it and no one clapped, would it still be.

[Dan Mangan]

On your record in the garbage? Because it was. It wouldn't have been the best one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Yes.

[Dan Mangan]

You know how this works.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do know how it works. We're also here with the Resident Evil.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Merchant as a resident Evil Merchant.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Do they have songs in Resident Evil or. Or I guess there's probably underscore.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, there's like a soundtrack when you're playing the game. But if you're asking if I could hear that while. While I was selling goods.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. So everything you know about the game, like the soundtrack and everything, you've gone back and actually watched the game?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you've watched how you acted. Do you feel like you came off well or do you like your edit?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I have no idea why they fired me. Like I said, I did a great job. If every time you wanted something, I was there to sell it to you.

[Dan Mangan]

No performance review or anything?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Nothing? No. No. Capcom, which is the company that puts out the game names, didn't contact me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that short for Capo com Capo con?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who did they replace you with? Who's this?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Another dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just another dude.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Like another. Another guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

What. What does their voice sound like?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm not very good at impressions, but if you could. A smooth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Buttery.

[Scott Aukerman]

So people didn't milk, like, maybe some of the sort of feedback that people gave about you is you have. I mean, you have a grading.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Abrasive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Abrasive personality is your. Oh, no. You were talking about your voice.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, I'm talking about my voice. I was talking about my voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think having an abrasive voice, then can. People can misconstrue that you have an abrasive Persona.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I try to be kind because you are a very.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you are very pleasant, actually.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm a listener.

[Scott Aukerman]

But when someone comes up to you.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

And go, I'm your best friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

But like pirates, for instance, where they're like, arg. You think they're mean, right?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, pirates. Pirates are mean. They like go in a place and they burn it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not all pirates. Hashtag, not all pirates.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

So you know of a good pirate?

[Scott Aukerman]

The Pittsburgh Pirates.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Are those official pirates? Are those like pirates that have.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think if they were all on a boat together, it would be too confusing. Baseball, I don't know either.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I just learned that those are separate sports this weekend.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have sports in Resident Evil?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

No. I mean, again, that world that was destroyed by Laplaga?

[Scott Aukerman]

They did. Obviously they had sports, but people must like bang stuff around with a stick or something, right?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I mean, it's sound will draw the leblog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh yeah, that. I mean, sports are loud.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're loud.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would imagine they're. Then musicians would be really.

[Dan Mangan]

We were the first to.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Can I just say, I've never. Your voice when you're talking is different than when you're singing, and that's a prick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your singing voice would be different than your voice when you're talking.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I. I would not want to play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Something and, and we'll have the. The. The resident evil merchant.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Will, to be clear, I am not the second singing guest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, we do have to be clear. But something, something public domain. Like campsite sound racist.

[Dan Mangan]

A public domain?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do you. What do you know? What. What songs do you know? Okay. No, that's. That's just as bad.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's not bad.

[Dan Mangan]

It's just that it's not as good as your. Your previous.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, some people excel at speaking and some have the ability to flip flop between.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you born with this voice or, or you know what I mean? Like when you came out of the womb, were you like.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Wait a minute, hold on a second. Are you telling me I can change up the voice?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. You people go through.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Is your original voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you say?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Is this your original voice?

[Scott Aukerman]

I, you know, I heighten it a bit for this show. I. I don't mumble like I usually do in, in real life. Although some would say I mumble too much and I get. I stumble over words and I get words wrong. I don't know the meanings of words and I don't know facts.

[Lloyd Martin]

Facts.

[Scott Aukerman]

I constantly am corrected about things I say on this show every week.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

This is why you and I are best friends. Because I have all of those problems. I have a hard time knowing what's real and what's fake.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems like you actually have a good handle on what is in the game and what is not in the game.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, I know. I mean, like, I'm not insane.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I'm not either.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, exactly. Why do they want us?

[Scott Aukerman]

Us? Why do they want us to be insane?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Why do they demand those things of us?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. It's a society.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

This is what we've. What Scott and I've been saying to get since high school when we met where. Because we've been best friends our whole life.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. Okay, now it's not. Look, if you're my best friend, that's one thing, but it can't be retroactive. Okay? I had a best friend and his name was Steve. Okay, well, guys, we do have to get to our next guest. And this is very exciting because it's a two singy dingy show and they are a singer and they're unlike Dan. They're not entering the Nine Timers club. They are entering the one Timers club. But please welcome to the show for the first time, Lloyd Martin.

[Lloyd Martin]

How are you guys doing? Wow, Scott, look at you. You look so young.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Do you have two more things?

[Lloyd Martin]

Wow, you look young, you got a great plastic surgeon, and I like your podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, would it surprise you to learn that it's all natural?

[Lloyd Martin]

Wow, I am surprised.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Lloyd. It's so wonderful to meet you. This is the resident evil merchant. Are you a zombie, by the way?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

No, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you talk kind of like you could be a zombie.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Okay, I think that's racist.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're in Resident Evil universe and you talk like this, you just might be a zombie.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Maybe, but it's not me. I'm an entrepreneur. Which, by the way, thank you. I have never been called that in my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've joined the Comedy Bang Bang Elite Entrepreneurs Club.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Hey, make me a little emotional.

[Lloyd Martin]

Wow, Congratulations, Lord.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It is so nice to meet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a singer. Tell us about your career. I confess I don't really know anything about you.

[Lloyd Martin]

That's okay. I'm big in Las Vegas. I've been singing at the Bellagio since probably before you were even born, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think the Bellagio is a relatively new hotel.

[Lloyd Martin]

I've been there since even. I listen to this. I've been there since before the Irish could vote. And if it were up to me, they still wouldn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Lloyd Martin]

Oh, thank you, Johnny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Write your own drummer. Sound effect.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Did you do that with your mouth?

[Lloyd Martin]

I Did not my. I have a lovely assistant who gave me this little recording device.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. That's very nice.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

That's nice. I wanted that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't know about the sentiments in the actual statement that you made, but. What.

[Lloyd Martin]

What did I say?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think it bears repeating. But you picked up your sound effects thing again.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It turns out you can listen to it again. That's how this works.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to rewind in the middle of the.

[Lloyd Martin]

We can rewind it if we want.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you've been at the Bellagio, which by all accounts was constructed.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

In. That was 1998.

[Scott Aukerman]

1995 and 1998. Yeah, it opened in 1998, so. And you've been there for now, almost 30 years.

[Lloyd Martin]

I've been there for almost 30 years. But before that. I was there before that, too, when it was just the Fountains. Just me and the Fountains.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of people don't know. They. They put up the fountains back in the 60s and the 50s and they constructed a hotel around them.

[Lloyd Martin]

That's when I was there.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Lloyd Martin]

And they got me on one of those Supreme Court contracts. I'm supposed to die in office, but I don't die. I killed.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Okay, very good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, how does one get a Supreme Court contract?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Is that your Las Vegas contract is the same as the Supreme Court contract?

[Lloyd Martin]

It is. It's exactly the same. That's what the Bellagio guys gave me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a. It's a lifetime tenure.

[Lloyd Martin]

It's a lifetime tenure that I'm willing to serve.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you find that they're trying to kill you at all so that they can put an end to this contract?

[Lloyd Martin]

Oh, I hope not. I'm definitely.

[Scott Aukerman]

If they put out a hit on you or anything like that.

[Lloyd Martin]

If they've put out a hit on me, the guy's not fast enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

But no one puts a hit out on you. You create the hits. Right? Do you mind playing that thing? Yeah. Pick it up first.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

And there you go.

[Lloyd Martin]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Lloyd Martin]

I create the hitch.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. What?

[Dan Mangan]

You can't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, that's my.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What bird is that?

[Lloyd Martin]

I'll give you 4% of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? I'll take it. Don't tell Dan.

[Lloyd Martin]

Dan. I love that song you played earlier.

[Dan Mangan]

Oh, thank you.

[Lloyd Martin]

I mostly just sing covers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What. Tell us about your career. Because, I mean, other than the very shaky facts about the Bellagio and the Fountains and all that. What. What type. What is your type of music?

[Lloyd Martin]

I guess your young people Would call me a crooner of some kind.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Wow, that was amazing.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're resident evil Merchants has a water bottle that is.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, it reminds me to drink water with a voice like this.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got. You go ahead and take whatever sip you need.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Thank you very much. I'll turn it off by drinking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. So what, you're a crooner. Does this mean the American standards?

[Lloyd Martin]

Of course. It means all the classic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did anyone in Canada ever write any of those standards that we.

[Dan Mangan]

Most of them, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Really?

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah. I mean, we got Joni Mitchell. We got earlier than that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Joni Mitchell is the earliest Canada.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Canadian musician.

[Scott Aukerman]

She.

[Dan Mangan]

She. She put us on the map.

[Lloyd Martin]

Wow. But you've heard of Frank Sinatra, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have. Also Canadian and Frank Sinatra Jr.

[Lloyd Martin]

Yes. I used to babysit his kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm not sure I get that one.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I also don't understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the gap in between the supposed punchline and the.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What is the sound signifying?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Maybe we're confused because normally that signifies. Hey, I just told a joke. What do you mean for it to sound. Is it your alert to drink water?

[Lloyd Martin]

I use it more as just like a punctuation. Like, I'm finished talking and now anyone can start.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's like a period or an exclamation point.

[Lloyd Martin]

Exactly.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Okay, I like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So any other time that it hasn't gone off, You've been in the middle of a sentence and we've interrupted you.

[Lloyd Martin]

I keep getting cut off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Off.

[Lloyd Martin]

But I get it. It's Hollywood. You're all trying to get your. Ya.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trying to be polite. Trying to be polite. If you could do it a little quicker, I wouldn't mind that either, but so. So you sing mainly covers of old American standards.

[Lloyd Martin]

I do. I have. I have a couple covers. If we want to.

[Scott Aukerman]

If we want. I'd love to hear something. Yeah, we heard something from Dan. It's like a one. It's like a Scorsese one for them, one for us. I would love to.

[Lloyd Martin]

Why don't we play that penny song? I like this pennies one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. A pony song.

[Dan Mangan]

Pony song.

[Lloyd Martin]

A pony lost is a pony gained.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go. Oh, I believe we have it right here, Dan.

[Lloyd Martin]

Here we go. And every docket range.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Range.

[Lloyd Martin]

Pennies from heaven. Shoopy doopie, don't you know each cloud could take Benny's from. From heaven. Sh.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm trying to ride the levels as low as I can.

[Lloyd Martin]

Up, shite down. Wow.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Even includes the penny. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Something's wrong with my headphone.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I, I, I, I actually think that you realize you weren't actually singing. You were just kind of whispering very, very faintly.

[Lloyd Martin]

I was singing my heart out, Scott. What are you talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

I, Look, I, I'm not saying it was displeasing to the ear, but Dan, as a singer, one normally, if not belts it out. I mean, you're, you're not what I would call a belter necessarily, but you at least are audible.

[Dan Mangan]

I, I feel like I know where Billie Eilish got the whisper thing from. Is from Lloyd over here.

[Lloyd Martin]

I love Billie Eilish. She's a beautiful young lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pick up your thing, please, and play the thing. Okay, so you love her because she's beautiful? Have you heard her music?

[Lloyd Martin]

I have not, but she's a beautiful young lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

How old of a gentleman are you, if you don't mind me asking?

[Lloyd Martin]

Well, wouldn't you like to know, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would, yeah. Do you want to answer me?

[Lloyd Martin]

I'm 87 years old.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

87. You look great.

[Lloyd Martin]

Thank you. You know, I've gotten. Most men my age have gotten their hips replaced, but me, I've gotten all my bones done by a Disneyland imagineer. I took a DNA test. I'm just going somewhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did it come back 100%? That bitch.

[Lloyd Martin]

I took a DNA test. I'm 70% Danish, 30% country bear jamboree.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I see your bones.

[Lloyd Martin]

I'm, I'm, I.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Your bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Explain this again.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Are you like a, an endoskeleton?

[Lloyd Martin]

I'm 30. I, I. The joke is that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this is a joke.

[Lloyd Martin]

This one was a joke.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you are telling jokes.

[Lloyd Martin]

I am telling jokes as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please don't pick up your, your drum.

[Lloyd Martin]

Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just leave it back down there. Do you have another song that you wanted to sing?

[Lloyd Martin]

I do have another one, but only if you guys want to hear it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I really, I really do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let's hear it. You the diff. The other track here.

[Lloyd Martin]

You want the other track. And it has a long, silent intro. We can just kind of vamp over this for a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wow, what an interesting track. Has it. It's been playing now for 10 seconds. Has not started yet.

[Lloyd Martin]

It's gonna start any second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who buys a track like this and then receives it?

[Lloyd Martin]

Here we go. Well, the shark bite has such teeth there and it keeps them pearly white Just a shark bite. Old Mickey Bear. And it keeps them out of sight. Dance break.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're, you're barely moving. Your Country Bear Jamboree bones appear to not be incredibly moved. What Is it. What do you call this? This move right here? This is like.

[Lloyd Martin]

This is the Elvis playing guitar move.

[Scott Aukerman]

He. He. At least his legs were moving. You're. You're station. Oh, are we back?

[Lloyd Martin]

And that's it. Scottish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you. Why the dance break?

[Lloyd Martin]

And then if you want to see more, you gotta come down to Las Vegas to the Bellagio fountains and see me spurring out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even in the hotel theater, I'm still.

[Lloyd Martin]

In the fountain, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I don't know about this. I. What do we think? I mean, resident evil merchant. Yeah, you probably haven't heard much music.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, no, the only time I've heard that song sung was by the moon.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a. Actually, that was a McDonald's commercial. The guy named Mac tonight.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I remember the moon singing in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, we're coming up on a break. I hate to say, but, Dan, do you think that you could. I mean, I hate to have you follow such an esteemed act, but do you think that you could play us into commercial here?

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, the nerves are outrageous right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I can only imagine. What do you got here? What do you got queued up for?

[Dan Mangan]

You know, in comedy bang bang form? For me, I have enjoyed to debut unreleased unrecorded music.

[Scott Aukerman]

And a lot of people don't do this because a lot of people say like, oh, release it on a podcast. Then people will listen to that and never buy my album. But Mike Castle has 5% of something that would disagree with that.

[Dan Mangan]

That's right. So this is a song called Goodbye America.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

Goodbye America. Sorry that we love to hate on you. Promise that we hate to love you too. It's complicated. Goodbye America. It's your party and you'll cry if you want to. You big baby trying to get back in the womb. I hope you make it. Rest up, take care, get better soon. Get better soon. Get better soon. Goodbye America. Now who am I to judge? You sold a dream and the world bought it up. You made a case killing. Goodbye America. Now everything's a goddamn super bowl trying to fill an angry dad shaped hole. Go hug your children, Rest up, take care, get better soon. Get better soon. Get better soon. Somehow somewhere get better soon. So goodbye America. Are you gonna drag your friends down too? Caught you reaching for the lowest hanging fruit you kicked your own ladder. Goodbye America. Don't let the fever take your fight. I believe that you can make it through the night. I still think it matters.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, very nice, Dan Mangan. We're gonna come right back. We're gonna go to a break right now. We're gonna come right back with more from Dan, more from the resident evil Merchant, more from Lloyd Martin. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, an imperfect love life is pretty common. We all, when we grow up, we can think, oh, it's gonna be all just, you know, a meet cute to the end cute, goodbye cute. Um, but when it comes to romantic relationships, I think everyone is still figuring it out, right? Even when it looks like they have it all together, secretly behind closed doors, they're trying to figure it out the same way that you are. Well, February is the month of hearts, roses and chocolates. But no matter where you are on your romance journey, if you're single, you're dating, you're just focusing on you. Therapy can be a helpful way to sort through it all. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can help you find your way by understanding what you want from a relationship and taking some of the pressure off yourself. And BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform and it handles the initial therapist matching work for you. All you gotta do is just take a short questionnaire, you share your needs and preferences and thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the first time. And you can also feel confident knowing that BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US Everyone is still finding their way. Find yours and feel lighter. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] Bang Bang. That is betterhelp.com Bang Bang. Clothes. Clothes. You know, the things you put on your body so you're not nude. You get it anyway? Well, a well built wardrobe. It's about pieces that work together and hold up over time. And that's what Quince does best. Premium materials, thoughtful design, and everyday staples that feel easy to wear and easy to rely on even as the weather shifts. Quince has the everyday essentials with quality that lasts. Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, not just for playing polo. I know all of you out there are playing polo almost every day, but you can wear polos at other times. And they have lighter jackets that keep you warm in the changing seasons. The list goes on and on and on and on. And you want me to stop here, right? Well, Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. Now I got a bunch of stuff from Quince. And anytime I put anything on my wife, she looks at it and goes, ooh, who's that by? And then she. She. Without even letting me answer, she runs over and gives me a wedgie. Practically trying to look at. If it's pants, trying to look at the tag, or just takes my shirt off of my head and looks at the tag. It's always Quince. Just. I'm just going to say it's Quince. It's Quince when I walk in any room. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com Bang Bang. For free shipping on your order and 365 day return. Now available in Canada too. That is. Q-U-I-N C E.com Bang Bang. Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bang Bang.

[Lloyd Martin]

Okay, I have to tell you, I was just looking on ebay, where I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go for all kinds of things I love. And there it was. That hologram trading card. One of the rarest. The last one I needed for my set. Shiny like the designer handbag of my dreams. One of a kind. Ebay had it. And now everyone's asking, ooh, where'd you.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Get your windshield wipers? Ebay has all the parts that fit my car. No more annoying, just beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Millions of finds, each with a story. EBay. Things people love. Comedy. Bang Bang. We are back. Dan Mangan is here. The album is Natural Light. You have some tour dates in April. You were saying? Is that. Where is that geographical East Coast US.

[Dan Mangan]

There'S gonna be some Georgia and some New York and some Pennsylvania and stuff like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And people can find. Why do we need to direct people? Everyone knows how to find tickets to things, right? Yeah, but you have your own website, don't you?

[Dan Mangan]

You go to the resident Evil Merchant.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

And the Merch Table.

[Dan Mangan]

The Merchant Table.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a good idea. Do you want to maybe sell tickets along with Dan and sell things at the Merch Table?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I am on the no Fly list. But if you wait long enough for me to drive, I'll be there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you on the no list?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Turns out you cannot. You cannot get on an airplane soaking wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that true? That's one of those rules that they don't tell you. But then one day you arrive soaking wet.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah. Yeah. So I tried to get around the bot water bottle rule by putting it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All on your body and ringing it out.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Not the empty bottle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, these.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

But if you cannot identify the liquid, then you are not allowed on the plate.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I actually think that you this is a good thing. If you were to travel along with Dan, you could, like. Like, start fielding the. The consumers who are trying to chat him up about having heard him on Comedy, Bang Bang and all that. You could be like, what? Like, let's. Let's role play this a little bit.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

All right. All right. So I'm at the merch table.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And I'll be a.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Named after me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll be a fan.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Oh, that's right. Is your name actually Merchant? We've never.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

My last name is Merchant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, like Stephen Merchant?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah. Who's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Did. Have you ever hung out with that.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

My dad, maybe? I've never met my dad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Maybe it's Stephen Merchant.

[Scott Aukerman]

It might be Stephen Merchant.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm gonna look him up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. All right. So I'll be a fan of Dan's. And Dan.

[Lloyd Martin]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can be yourself, and you're hanging out, I guess.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go. Oh, Lloyd, I'm sorry. Who do you want to be?

[Lloyd Martin]

Maybe I'm giving Dan some advice in the background of how to be a singer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. This is good.

[Lloyd Martin]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Do you guys want to start the scene?

[Lloyd Martin]

Sure. You just gotta keep going. Kid, Kid, you're gonna make it one day.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a lot like the. The not to step out of the scene.

[Dan Mangan]

No, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a lot like what Bad Bunny was telling his younger self at.

[Lloyd Martin]

The Superb bowl at the Soup when he handed the Grammy to the kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think that kid got to keep it?

[Lloyd Martin]

I hope so. I doubt it. I doubt his daddy would let him.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if the kid just took off?

[Lloyd Martin]

With the Grammy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, with the Grammy.

[Lloyd Martin]

I bet he did.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a good idea for a movie. A heist. Movie. Movie.

[Lloyd Martin]

Kid with a Grammy.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah. I thought the rule was whoever gets the award keeps it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Lloyd Martin]

Whoever touches it, last possession is nine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tenths of the law.

[Dan Mangan]

Seven, eleven.

[Lloyd Martin]

Seven, eleven, eleven.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Anyway. Go. Continue.

[Lloyd Martin]

You're gonna make it, kid.

[Dan Mangan]

But I. I struggle internally.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

There's like a part of me that wants to.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to buy some merchandise.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

All right. What are you buying?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is your name Merchandise, by any chance?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

My last name is Merchandise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, never mind.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What do you need?

[Scott Aukerman]

My name is Merchandise. I'm looking for my child.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You're okay. You're looking to buy a child?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm just sell children. Oh, the Hollywood elite. I've heard about with your endochromes.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I. I gotta be honest. I didn't realize when I signed up for the gig that I'd be selling kids. I. I'm horrified.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three kids, please. Three.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Oh, God. They're right here in a box.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Just the way I like.

[Dan Mangan]

Right in the red box.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm uncomfortable, but, yeah, I guess the price Tag here is 79.99. Per child.

[Scott Aukerman]

Per child. Okay.

[Lloyd Martin]

Wow. And they each come with their own Grammys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Okay, I'll. Yeah. Here you go. Do you take Venbull?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

A Venmo?

[Scott Aukerman]

Venbo.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

A Red Bull.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you take a Red Bull?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Do I. I mean, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will you take a Red Bull for all these?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

For a barter, you'd need $79 worth of red Bull. So here's what I would Suggest. Go to 7:11.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Exchange a Red Bull back and forth several times. Several times until it's worth $74.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Come back, I give you the three.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll still be here. You promise?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I promise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I'll see you later.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Hey, Martin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bye, Dan. I love you. I heard you on comedy, baby.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Dad, we gotta get the hell out of here. We gotta go right now.

[Dan Mangan]

It's getting heated in here.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's got. You do not want to sell kids to a person.

[Dan Mangan]

No, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

And do you think that song would have been more popular if it was? It's getting heated in here.

[Dan Mangan]

It's getting heated in.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a. I mean, I think you have a future as an entrepreneur. I do. Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I. I like to hear it because, you know, I was fired from that job. So any chance I have to get my foot back in the door, I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, I have to say, we are getting to our final. Not our final feature on the show, but we are. This is the time of the show, every episode where we, you know, what we're about to do. We play it every week. It's time to play a little something called. Would you rather. Sam? All right, it's time to play. Would you rather. Thank you for not interrupting the theme song. I appreciate how polite you are. We all know how this is played. Every week we play it. So why would I even need to reiterate the instructions? But we played every week. But we all know what this is.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Wait, I wasn't paying attention. Did we hear that song again?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

This part's spooky.

[Scott Aukerman]

It. All right, it's time to play. Would you rather. We all know how this is played? Did we play it every week? Why would I ever need to reiterate it? But here I am to do it now? An Interesting wrinkle. We used to play this because people would send me. Would you rather. Scenarios to my. What used to be called Twitter. Now it's X, the everything app, where you can do it all. You can. Well, now down. That's. I don't know if I would go with you that far, but you. You can definitely post things. But now. Now I'm over at Blue sky and I just looked it up and there's only. Only one person has sent one. So we're gonna read this one. And, uh, we all know how this happens. I will read the scenario out loud. I will then open the floor for questions. Please don't ask me any questions before the floor is opened. It's very, very rude to do so.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Can you play that sound at the end?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a question.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Could you play it, though, so I know when to talk?

[Scott Aukerman]

The. The sound. I. Look, I'm not in charge of that, but if you can try, I can help you out. Jesus Christ. The gas in between. I. I don't know whether that's the very nature of playing something on your phone or because you're so decrepit and old.

[Lloyd Martin]

I think I shall let a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, it might be. But please don't ask any questions until I open the floor for questions. Once I do open the floor for questions, you're free to ask any question about either of the scenarios or both of the scenarios, in order to help narrow down your choice. At a certain point, I will close the floor for questions. There will be no warning as to when that's going to happen. It could happen immediately, it could happen days from now. But once I do close the floor for questions, we will then go around the horn, see how you vote, and we'll tally up the points after that, and then we'll see who's the winner. Sounds pretty good, right? All right, here we go. The one person who has dared send us something on Blue Sky, Velotis, and sent this January 31, 2018.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

They send it on in 2018.

[Scott Aukerman]

Send it in 2018. I didn't even know Blue sky was.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

A concern back then. I'm shocked.

[Scott Aukerman]

But here it is. Oh, actually it archived from January 31, 2018, but sent on March 21, 2025.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

They probably uploaded their old tweets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, this is the only person who is foresight to do it. Velotis asks, would you rather have tentacles for arms? Tentacles for arms. Or live in a world where you can only have sex if you're impersonating Nicholas Cage? Would you rather have Tentacles for arms. Or live in a world where you can only have sex if you're impersonating Nicholas Cage. Now, we can talk about the quality of this particular would you rather scenario, but it is the only one we have.

[Lloyd Martin]

Have.

[Scott Aukerman]

And usually we had a whole backlog, but now this is the only one we have. So this is the one we're stuck with. So we're gonna, we're gonna talk about it and figure out which one that we like better.

[Dan Mangan]

No brainer.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were you saying?

[Dan Mangan]

No brainer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just no brainer. That's not a question, so I don't mind it. Yeah, it's just a no brainer.

[Dan Mangan]

I just, it's. I know exactly where I'm going with this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't vote early or often, okay? You, you gotta ask questions because you don't know all the little details about everything that's gonna happen.

[Lloyd Martin]

Question. Question.

[Dan Mangan]

Now what need didn't open the floor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

When do we do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

When I open the floor?

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Okay.

[Lloyd Martin]

Can I make. I make statement?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I make statement that it I make statement? No. I'm so sorry. Lloyd, you asked a question before the floor was open. Can I make statement is in fact a lot like money come on paper. It is a question. I'm gonna have to docu points. That is negative 50 points for Lloyd. All right, so currently, dan, you're at zero. Lloyd, you're at negative 50. Resident Evil merchant, you are also at zero.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm making some assumptions, okay? What? You and I have tentacles together. 2. Nobody else has tentacles. 3. That makes our friendship even stronger.

[Scott Aukerman]

So these are assumptions you've made about the scenario.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I've made assumptions about. About the choices we have possibly could be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Could be. We will. We will never know until we open the floor for quick questions. Lloyd, you were going to say something.

[Lloyd Martin]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dan, you're fine. Look, you're. You're doing, right? You've already made up your mind. According to you, even when you hear about these assumptions that Resident Evil Merchant.

[Dan Mangan]

Is making, I, I like the assumptions.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm gonna make some assumptions about the second one, okay? You're only having sex with Nick Cage while doing the impression that's the only sex you can have in your life. And you. You absolutely have to do it on a full stomach.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? These are. I mean, these are fascinating assumptions.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Look, I'm, I, I'm. I'm just. I'm weighing the options here. I'm trying to.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is what you would prefer or this is what you think?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

This is how I'm interpreting information. You've given me.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are good. Yeah, these are not bad. Anyone else have any assumptions? This is like a loophole that we've never exploited fully in the. Would you rather games for people to come in with assumptions rather than questions?

[Lloyd Martin]

I have an assumption.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Lloyd Martin]

I have a tentacle already. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

That'S a question. You came in so hot with an assumption and then ruined it by turning it into a question. That is minus another 350 points. No, you're at negative 400 now. Oh, Dan, you're still at zero. Resident Evil merchant, which is abbreviated as R.E.M.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Like the band?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, you know about the band.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You don't know about the band?

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course I know about the band.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

That was a question.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that. It sounded more like a statement. You don't know about the band.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Oh, I guess that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you did raise your voice.

[Dan Mangan]

There was a little.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I mean, I have no control over the volume of my voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, I'm gonna dock you one point.

[Dan Mangan]

It benefits me that that was.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're at negative.

[Lloyd Martin]

That doesn't really feel fair.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what regard?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

So the winner of the game has the least amount of points at the end is the assumption I'm making?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Look, that's an assumption I'm not going to answer because the floor isn't open for questions yet.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

But it's either that or we combine our points and it's us versus Scott at the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one's ever thought of combining and sharing points before. That's a fascinating thing. We'll see if that works out.

[Dan Mangan]

That's from Communist Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Lloyd Martin]

When do we get to kiss the lovely contestants on the mouth?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a question. I'm afraid I'm going to have to dock you another 2,000 points.

[Lloyd Martin]

I want to kiss the lovely contestants on the mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm opening the floor for questions.

[Lloyd Martin]

Do men have tentacles?

[Scott Aukerman]

I've closed the floor for questions. I did not get to answer your question in time. Shoot.

[Dan Mangan]

Ah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. Wow, that's unfortunate.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I would like to see the instruction booklet for the game.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll get that to you on your way out. Definitely, but. All right, let's. Let's go around the horn and then we'll tally up the points. Dan. Dan Mangan. Of course. New album, Natural Light, on tour on the east coast.

[Dan Mangan]

And Georgia jokes on. Would you rather game?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that a question? I don't know what that means.

[Dan Mangan]

Years ago, my wife and I made a pact that we would only have sex impersonating Nick Cage character. But the stipulation is that we have to be Nick Cage characters from different movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So if you. You can call dibs, I guess, on one before you.

[Dan Mangan]

I. Even if you had never mentioned the tentacles thing, I was already in.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're already in what? Can we hear a little bit of. Of some of your style?

[Dan Mangan]

So it's like, it's like, like the bees.

[Scott Aukerman]

The bees. Oh, the bees.

[Dan Mangan]

It's like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that him in B movie? I don't recall.

[Dan Mangan]

I, I. He's wearing a cage and it's like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. His name is Wickerman. Weatherman.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Weatherman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whether the wicker be cold.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Superman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Superman. All right, very interesting vote from an interesting player. Let's now move on to Resident Evil Merchants.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, because of what I found out about the options on the quiz, I'm going with that.

[Scott Aukerman]

These assumptions you made, they could be very incorrect.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

No, because you're my friend and I know you would have guided me in a different direction.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would not.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You would have said Resident Evil Merchant. That's not true.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would not have because the floor wasn't open yet. So I would not be offering any.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Kind of the rules you stipulated had nothing to do with what you could say.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a good point.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

So knowing that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you think that because we're so tight.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would have steered you in the right, right?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Which is why I'm going with option one, tentacles, for arms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tentacles.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Because I know you'll be there with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very interesting.

[Dan Mangan]

I also like that he refers to you with both your first and last name.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Resident Merchant.

[Dan Mangan]

Resident Evil. Oh, wait, Evil is your middle name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible. All right, Lloyd Martin, what are you picking here?

[Lloyd Martin]

I think I'm gonna go with becoming a young man when I have sex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Going off menu. I appreciate that. Becoming a young man when you're off sex. All right, let's tally up the points. Of course, for those of you who picked tentacles, that is, of course, worth two points. Of course. Resident Evil Merchant. That brings you up to one point.

[Lloyd Martin]

Congratulations.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're currently in the lead.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'm in the lead with one point?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right, Dan, you're at zero. You picked Nick Cage. That is, of course, worth zero points. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Resident Evil Merchant. Rem, you are still in the lead with one point. Lloyd, you went off menu. You picked Becoming a young man when you have sex, and we all know that is worth 2,402 points.

[Lloyd Martin]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are at two points. At two points. You are a winner, Lloyd.

[Lloyd Martin]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible.

[Lloyd Martin]

I'm a winner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible. You're a winner. That's right.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's a photo finish.

[Scott Aukerman]

It truly was. It was so close. Guys, don't take photos of me.

[Lloyd Martin]

I burst.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You burst?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a zombie who eats too much.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Like in a fire.

[Lloyd Martin]

Or like I explode into dust like in the Golden Compass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Well, of course. That is, of course, how we play. Would you rather.

[Dan Mangan]

Lloyd.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, hold on. All right, I gotta talk. There's no talking during the. Would you rather he's just gonna add.

[Lloyd Martin]

Some lyrics to that beautiful song?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I gotta dock you you two points. You're back to zero. Resident Evil Merchant, you're our winner. Congratulations.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I've never won anything in my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

It's enormous honor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

And I couldn't have done it without my best friend, Scott Haute.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And you know what? You were right about the earth, the assumptions.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I was?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. I would have steered you in the. In the direction. Thank you.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you were right about every single part of it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Thank you. I'm never asking a question again in my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Life. Good for you.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, we are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs. Comedy Bang Bang. Spider, he is our hero.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Spider, he needs to piss so badly. Spider, Study.

[Scott Aukerman]

Spider, Spider, we're on the Epstein list. All right, that was CBB Spider Plugs by Producer Pants, using, I guess, Jake Sully and James Cameron's audio from a few weeks back. Interesting. If you have a Plugs theme, head over to cbb world.com plugs. You can upload your songs there and we'll have everything you need for your closing. Plug Bag remixes, everything you need over there. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Dan, plug your dates. Do you have specific dates or what do you got? Yeah, they're not ready. You're picking up your phone, like, go somewhere else. Go somewhere else. All right, Resident Evil Merchant, what are you plugging?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Well, you're gonna hear me every week here on Comedy Bang Bang now that I've been hired as a second host. But if you don't. You know, if you. If your podcast list is too thick already, then you can catch me on what, what, what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Say that. Say what you said.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Again, if your podcast list is too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thick already with two Cs thick, then.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You can catch me on another podcast called Get Played Where I am. Again, the additional host of the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you over there with Duke Nukem? Who's on the show?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I've met him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I've met him.

[Scott Aukerman]

But he seems like there's a rash of video game characters coming on this show. What do you think about that?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

What do I think about it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It seems like they all. They all talk about this get played.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

They are infringing on my territory. I've been there since day one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Lloyd Martin]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. All right, Dan, are you ready with your dates?

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, ready. Hood River, Oregon. This is all in April. Hood River, Oregon.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not the east coast.

[Dan Mangan]

Bend, Oregon and then Decatur, Georgia, which is Atlanta. And then Raleigh.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got to say dates with this. You can't just name towns.

[Dan Mangan]

No, it's all in April. It's. You'll find people find they know how to do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just go to these places.

[Dan Mangan]

Raleigh, North Carolina. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Cambridge, Massachusetts. Brooklyn, New York. Providence, Rhode Island. Manchester Center, Vermont.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ending the tour in Vermont.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

Ending?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wow.

[Dan Mangan]

I learned that from Lloyd. Lloyd taught me that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lloyd taught you that first end in Vermont. Lloyd. Speaking of you, do you have anything to plug?

[Lloyd Martin]

I do. If you like comedy, maybe check out the UCB Herald team Cowboy Mama every other Monday at UCB Franklin. Or they also have a fun fake industry showcase called career defining life altering industry showcase where you get to see top talent every month. Month.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Are these live streamed as well so the rest of the country can come to them or.

[Lloyd Martin]

No, the career defining life altering showcases.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that's fantastic. All right, what do I want to plug? We have of course, new comedy bang bang action figures. The Reggie Watson Fourville action figures are here. Oh, Dan, you should have one. You're in the Nine Timers Club. You and your guitar.

[Dan Mangan]

I love that bobblehead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Put. Put the. The what, what theater do we play at? Is it the Vogue?

[Dan Mangan]

The Vogue?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Put the Vogue theater behind you in a little play center set. Wouldn't that be good?

[Dan Mangan]

I'm in.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. The Fourville and Reggie Watts action figures. They are available now. They are at. They're in stock [e-mail] we also have Italiano Jones, Entre P Newer, Randy Snuts, Carissa Big Sue Sprague, the Whisperer and Scott Aukerman figures are available. More are coming soon. We're in the middle of phase two right now and this is very exciting. They're available for customers [e-mail] with free shipping with the US address. Or if you're like Dan and you want to be outside of the US Then you Can go to action figure seller. That seller like a basement dot com and you can get them there and. All right, that's it. Let's close up the old plug bag. I want to close the bag Favorite baby, wave it.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I wanna close the bag, baby, baby, baby I wanna close the bag, baby, baby, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yo, you say baby, too. That's great. Good to know about you. Oh, man. So many people. We got Gino. We got Tracy Reardon. So many people.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I wanna close the bag, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. That was baby, baby by bag baby. Thank you so much to bag baby for that. And speaking of thank you, I want to thank our guests here. First of all, resident evil Merchant.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good luck to you. Our association ends now, however or in approximately three minutes after Dan's last song.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Always have to end when a friendship begins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm not sure I've always said that. Lloyd Martin. What else needs to be said?

[Lloyd Martin]

Just this.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Very good.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Dan Mangan here. So wonderful to have you joining the Nine Timers Club. Please come back and join the Ten Timers Club. But before you go, do you have another song that you want to play here? You know what would be great is we were talking about the one that you did with Mike Castle. Do you know how to play that one? Or did you forget?

[Dan Mangan]

Lloyd and I had a quick, you know, scrum pow wow, and they about talked, taught me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So here we go. Okay, here we go. This is Dan Mangan.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

Who's to say what is part of the plan? I don't pretend to understand but when it all hits the fan I want to throw up I used to figure.

[Dan Mangan]

That love was a joke.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

A myth to keep the folks sedated it was overused and overrated but you. I was convinced other people were faking it. You, you're not even trying and somehow it breaks me in two in relative terms I hate everyone else it's true I hated love songs until I knew you. You. I was convinced other people were faking it. You, you're not even trying and somehow it breaks me in two in relative terms I hate everyone else it's true I hated love songs until I knew you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Keep it going, Dan. Keep it going. Keep going, Lloyd.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Get in there.

[Lloyd Martin]

You. I hated everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dance softer. Softer.

[Lloyd Martin]

D. You. Everybody sucks except you Lloyd Martin loves you and New York, New York.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Resident evil Merchant. Get in there.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Sometimes we're faced with a choice. We gotta make that choice. We gotta make it and never look back. And that choice is, do we believe in each other? And I believe in everyone. At this table. But most of all, I believe in you, the listener.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Bravo. Wow, everybody. Thank you so much. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. My dog Max loves chewing on my.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

Favorite pair of shoes almost as much.

[Scott Aukerman]

As he loves his Blue Buffalo Life Protection Formula Dry Dog Food. Seriously, he never leaves a crumb. And I love it too. Because it's made with high quality protein, antioxidant packed fruits and nutrient rich veggies. Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more. Hey guys, Joel Kim Booster here with a very exciting announcement that I am.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

The newest host of the podcast Bad Dates.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am so excited to be here.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

And sharing all the wildest, most chaotic.

[Scott Aukerman]

And iconic bad date stories with you.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

I'll be joined by friends like Peppermint.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott Thompson, Casey Wilson, Ron Funches and.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

MJ Rodriguez and will hear all about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Their most notorious bad dates. It'll make you laugh, cry, cringe, and maybe make you feel a little better about your own dating life.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

You don't want to miss it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Listen to Bad Dates by subscribing to.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

SiriusXM Podcast plus on Apple Podcasts or listening wherever you get your podcasts.

[Singer (Dan Mangan's singing parts)]

Bad Dates.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lifelock how can I help? The IRS said I filed my return, but I haven't. One in four tax paying Americans has.

[Dan Mangan]

Paid the price of ident identity fraud.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do I do?

[Resident Evil Merchant]

My refund though.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm freaking out. Don't worry, I can fix this. Lifelock fixes identity theft guaranteed and gets.

[Resident Evil Merchant]

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[Lloyd Martin]

I'm so relieved.

[Scott Aukerman]

No problem. I'll be with you every step of the way. One in four was a fraud paying American. Not anymore. Save up to 40 your first year. Visit lifelock.com Special offer terms apply.