Polly Wolly Cule (Lisa Gilroy, Jacob Wysocki, Charlie McCrackin)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "Polly Wolly Cule" (Sept 15, 2025)

Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests/Characters:

• Whiz Bang (Jacob Wysocki)
• Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford (Charlie McCrackin)
• Burlesque Ives (Lisa Gilroy)

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Episode Overview

In this anarchic, character-driven episode, Scott Aukerman brings back the "CBB Roundtable," promising to cut the usual showbiz chatter and focus on the "issues of the day"—with a typically absurd, CBB twist. The roundtable consists of three first-time (and very outlandish) guests: Whiz Bang, a Los Angeles radio DJ mourning the loss of his partner, "The Frizz"; Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford, a cowboy in the twilight of life; and Burlesque Ives, an AI-generated, sexually-liberated reboot of folk singer Burl Ives. The quartet meanders through topics such as loss, modernity, sexuality, nostalgia, and pop culture—via memorable rants, musical bits, rambling stories, and signature Comedy Bang Bang chaos.

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Main Characters—Introductions & Early Banter

[00:00–07:50]

Scott introduces the CBB Roundtable

• Explains the vibe: “The table is round, the guests are squarely amongst the issues.” [02:00]
• This episode is about ditching celebrity interviews for honest discussions (satirically).

Whiz Bang arrives

• Local DJ, 102.9 KFRT (“Whiz Bang and the Frizz”) [04:16]
• The Frizz is deceased—“got hit by a helicopter, Dr. Rocket Romano style from ER.” [04:46]
• Whiz operates an offbeat, 25-hour non-stop radio show: “5am to 5am, 24 hours plus one. Hour extra.” [05:52]
• Accidentally reveals he might have been the cause of Frizz’s demise.
• Constantly mocks-up “callers” and does radio drops live (“Well, I was the caller. I kind of do... I don’t have a phone system set up on my show either, so I’m kind of all the call.” [11:32])

Notable Moment:

• The “fake caller” bit (“Bethany” wins a TV for guessing “8,000 gallons” of Rusty’s hat) [11:06–11:39]

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[08:21–15:02]

Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford

• Self-described “well-rounded cowboy” and occasional villain, in the sunset years of life (“I’m walking off into the sunset... One day this giant hat’s gonna get put up on a barn and never come down.” [10:14])
• Has a talking snake in his throat, regularly escaping (“No, I got a snake in my throat.” [09:17])
• Brings nostalgia for the lawless days of the American frontier (“1920 was when the ‘bad new days’ started.” [12:18])
• Has a mule (Clop Slapperman) under the table

Burlesque Ives Appears

• Not “Burl S. Ives”, but “Burlesque Ives,” an AI-generated modern reboot of the folk singer [15:12]
• “I contain all of modern sexual politics and social liberalism.” [16:36]
• Delivers humorously awkward updates to folk songs with explicit, polyamorous, and sex-positive lyrics

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Issues of the Day: Discussion Highlights

What’s On Their Mind?

[21:00–26:00]

• Burlesque Ives laments learning about “gay marriage” only for it to be politically threatened:

  “Here I am, new to the world, and I’m not even going to get a chance to experience gay marriage.” [21:24]

• Rusty longs for “the good old days” and reminisces about “kicking it in the hideout after a bank job,” alluding to sexually liberated bank robbery teams. [24:39]
• Whiz Bang is grieving The Frizz, speaks to their deeply codependent chemistry (“Tickle, tickle, Kiss, kiss. Stuff like that.” [27:41]), and admits being a virgin (“Meet Virginia. She doesn’t own a dress…” [28:11])

Modern Society/Sexuality:

• Scott jokes about sex as a basic human experience (“Well, sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is best when it’s one-on-one.” [29:11])
• Burlesque Ives parodies “Silver and Gold”:

  “I’m a cuckold / So happy to see my wife being plowed like the driveway under my Christmas tree.” [28:46]

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Kushtopia—Surreal World-Building

[43:00–51:00]

• “Kushtopia” is revealed as an alternate Earth where “mostly everything is made of kush”—except the trains, pizza, and a few other things.
• Whiz claims his ex-wife lives there; Rusty plans to retire to “Laguna Kush Village.”
• Discussion of what is and is not made of kush gets increasingly absurd, with characters listing pizza ingredients, livestock, and arena building materials.
• Scott and Rusty riff on the logic of transportation, agriculture, and entertainment in Kushtopia [44:00–47:00]

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Most-Used Emojis

[42:00–56:00]

• Rusty: “The sunset, ’cause that’s what I’m walking off into.” [42:09]
• Burlesque Ives: The snowman (for his folk singer heritage) [50:53]
• Whiz Bang: The helicopter, with a poignant turn—his last text to The Frizz was “I’m coming by my helicopter. Wait outside. I’ll pick you up.” [52:25]
• A brief, surreal detour into Scott practicing radio drops and sound effects with the trio goading him into adopting the nickname “the jizz,” which Scott resists [55:19]

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Pronoun Round

[62:33]

• Burlesque Ives: “Answer to all of them. Really? Anything anyone wants to call you?”

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Childhood Actor/Actress Crushes

[68:14–74:06]

• Whiz Bang: “The tree with tits in The Last Unicorn.” [68:56]
  • Scott googles this, incredulous: “Some plumpers, some big natties.” [69:34]
• Rusty: “Elizabeth the Grand Canyon” (“A girl whose legs were as wide as the Grand Canyon”) and “Tainted Milk Susan” (whose armpits leaked bad milk that “had all the boys running wild”). [72:01]
• Burlesque Ives: “Aunt Gladys from Weapons,” an unconventional crush reflecting modern beauty standards.
• Scott: After stalling, alludes to a crush on “Nancy Pelosi” as a joke, then references “Jiggle TV” (Charlie's Angels era). [74:10]

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Karaoke Go-To Songs

[76:43–79:40]

• Rusty: “I’m a Cowboy, Baby”—specifically references Kid Rock. [76:48]
• Burlesque Ives: Original, modernized folk song—“Polly Wally Cue,” about being in a polycule. [78:06]
• Whiz Bang: “Every song is a karaoke song to me,” launches into an off-key “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies [78:51]
• Multiple slapstick interruptions by Rusty’s “snake”—including spirited attempts to talk to the snake as a character.

---

If You Could Eat One Meal Daily Forever

[80:04–80:39]

• All three, gleefully: “P U S S Y.”
• Rusty: “Because I got off...”
• The joke is hammered with raucous laughter and a cameo by "the Mask."

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Notable Quotes & Absurd Moments

• On grief, DJ-style:

  “Frizz was my only friend. No funerals for the frizz.” — Whiz Bang [52:41]

• On radio pranks:

  “Now we’re gonna call a pizza parlor and make them think they ordered the pizza. I’m linking in the call now.” — Whiz Bang [37:28]

• Musical drop:

  “Give it up for the bees. Celebrate the C’s. Double D’s are really something... I’m a big cocked Randy Mounds man!” — Burlesque Ives, parodying “Big Rock Candy Mountain” [70:08]

• On sexuality and updating folk songs:

  “I take all the subtext out of his folk songs and put them all as text.” — Burlesque Ives [17:45]

• Meta podcasting:

  “Let’s join forces. Come on... Comedy Whiz Bang.” — Whiz Bang and Scott, plotting a hypothetical merger [67:13–67:33]

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Thematic Threads

• Absurd Grief & Nostalgia:
  Mourning The Frizz and the “old west,” with a heavy dose of gallows humor.
• Modernity vs. Tradition:
  Technology, evolving sexuality, and language—satirized through outlandish, yet oddly insightful, anachronistic characters.
• Sexual Liberation/Polyamory:
  Burlesque Ives as the personification of “modern sexual politics,” updating classic songs for today’s audience (“Polycule” lyrics, cuckolding folk parodies).
• Kushtopia as Metafictional Lore: Elaborate, deadpan expansion of extended universe in-jokes—riffing for minutes on rules and lore.
• Navel-Gazing Podcast Satire:
  The episode is peppered with “inside baseball” about podcasts, radio formats, and listener engagement.

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Time-Stamped Notable Segments

• Intro and Roundtable Premise: [00:00–04:16]
• Whiz Bang’s Origin & The Frizz’s Demise: [04:16–07:50]
• Rusty Hawkeyes’ Backstory: [08:21–14:34]
• Burlesque Ives’s Debut: [15:12–20:00]
• Issues of the Day/Personal Reflections: [21:00–29:00]
• Kushtopia World-Building: [43:00–51:00]
• Emoji Discussion: [42:00–56:00]
• Childhood Crushes: [68:14–74:06]
• Karaoke Song Picks & Snake Business: [76:43–79:40]
• One Meal Forever (CBB Peak): [80:04–80:39]
• Plugs & Goodbyes: [82:55–88:41]

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Final Thoughts

This episode is especially rich in character bits, “yes-and” world-building, and meta-humor. It’s a perfect encapsulation of Comedy Bang Bang’s fifteen-years-strong ability to amp up absurdity while slyly satirizing culture, nostalgia, and podcasting itself.
Memorable for:

• The tragicomic presence of Whiz Bang and The Frizz’s helicopter accident
• Layers-deep in-jokes about Kushtopia, folk music, and podcast tropes
• The musical updates for modern sexual mores
• Barrel-scraping, yet earnest, digressions on emojis, TV nostalgia, and food

Essentially: If you love CBB’s chaotic energy, outrageous characters, and just barely-contained nonsense, this is an episode not to miss.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Whoa.

[C]

What's up, Scott? 102.9. Whiz Bang and the Frizz.

[A]

Whiz Bang. Oh, where's the Frizz today? Do you mind me asking?

[C]

Passed away. Just me today, brother. But hey, happy to be here cooking up in the studio with my main man, Scotty Scootman. Honkers, the Honk Man. Rat, fratty pants, Big dookie donk in those heavy underpants. King of the North.

[A]

Thank you so much. May I ask, how long ago did the Frizz pass away?

[C]

Oh, Frizz got hit by a helicopter.

[A]

A helicopter? This is Dr. Rocket Romano style from ER.

[C]

Yeah. Yep. Tuesday night. You went up to. To this Tuesday night? Yeah, this Tuesday night. We can freak on Diggle Pops. We can rank on Regal Pops. Hey, taking requests all night. Whiz Bang and the Frizz.

[A]

So he went up to where you were saying he went top of his.

[C]

Roof on his building, I guess. Smoke a cigarette and got hit square in the jaw by a helicopter.

[A]

That's what they don't tell you about standing on roofs of buildings is a helicopter will come by and just take you right out.

[C]

Oh, they'll Whiz Bang and the Frizz.

[A]

Truer words have never been spoken. And what, what is your what. What time period do you DJ in? Are you a drive time?

[C]

20, 25.

[A]

Okay, so you're not a time traveler. No, but what, what, what are your hours?

[C]

Oh, I do the daily commute. You know, someone's got to have someone to listen to. Dive. Dive time. Dive time. Flyby time Time flies By with Whiz Bang in the free.

[A]

So what are we talking? 5am to 9?

[C]

5Am to 5am 524 hours plus one.

[A]

Hour extra 5am and so you're just. You're going 25 hours in a row?

[C]

Yep.

[A]

And then do you take a break?

[C]

And then I get in my helicopter and I cruise.

[A]

Wait a minute. Wait, wait a minute. Were you the person who ran into the frizz?

[C]

I can't be sure. I was asleep at the wheel.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Helicopter has a wheel inside.

[A]

That's.

[B]

I.

[A]

A lot of people don't know that. They have several wheels. Wheel is one of the greatest inventions ever. Do you agree with.

[C]

Completely agree. Right after the titty. My man. My main man. Scooty Honkers. Give it to me here.

[A]

Okay. I don't know. I don't think I can. That's not really my brand.

[C]

Honk it. Don't squonk it. Exactly. What?

[A]

Okay, I honked it once, but Honk.

[C]

Honk the fridge.

[A]

But I'm not going to squank it. Okay.

[C]

All right. We'll see by the end of today. You'll be squanking it. All fours.

[A]

All right, well, Whiz Bang. Wonderful to meet you. Wonderful to have you here on the panel. We're going to be talking about the issues of the day. Are you prepared for this?

[C]

Nope.

[A]

Okay, well. Well, we're going to get to them and we're going to get your point of view, and you have a valuable point of view, I think. How long have you been an LA native?

[C]

Oh, you can't say native.

[A]

Okay, how. How long have you been indigenous to Los Angeles?

[C]

I'm actually originally from Ohio, but I love the milky skies of Los Angeles. It's a cool 88 degrees Celsius.

[A]

Celsius. That's a little too hot, actually. If it's 88 degrees Celsius, we are burning up trouble.

[C]

It's going down. I'm yelling timber all day. Request Radio. HFA the Frizz.

[A]

Well, it's wonderful to have you. We're going to be talking about what's going on in the news, what's going on in our communities, and I really value your input here as someone from not only Ohio, but you've been in Los Angeles for a while now.

[C]

62 years.

[A]

62 years.

[C]

Yep. Just short of 69. And when that hits, boy, things are going down. I'm yelling timber. Request live all night on 102.9. The frizz.

[A]

Not sure. It's just short of 69. He's got about seven years ago. But good luck to you when you get there. Let's get to our other. Not our other guest, but another guest. He is a cowboy and I, I didn't know that they still had cowboys but I'm looking forward to talking to him. Please welcome Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford.

[B]

I'm a cowboy, baby. Hey Scott. Happy to be here.

[A]

Mr. Tufferford, so wonderful to have you on the show. Thank you for. I'm doing really well.

[B]

Howdy.

[A]

Of course, yee haw. All of the lingo. I'm sure you, you know all of it. Tell me about being a cowboy. You, how long have you been a cowboy and what, what, what exactly does a cowboy do these days?

[B]

Well, I'm a real well rounded cowboy. I think cowboy is pretty broad term these days. I've done it all. I've been a hero, I've been a villain. I've been an under five word actor in a film. I've been a sidekick, a main man, a rancher of. Did I say a villain already?

[A]

You said a villain. The rancher is the first job you've actually said.

[B]

I've done it all, Scott. I'm a well rounded cowboy.

[C]

Are you sitting on a vibrating chair?

[B]

No, I got a snake in my throat.

[A]

Oh no. Are you all right, sir? Do you need assistance or.

[B]

I don't think you want to go down in there.

[A]

Okay. Oh yeah, I don't. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

But he might come out. Who knows?

[A]

Okay, we'll see.

[B]

Yeah, I'm used to him.

[A]

Would love to. Oh, how long has he been there?

[B]

Many, many years.

[A]

Okay. And how old of a gentleman are you?

[B]

I, you know, I figured out a lot of things about me. Who? What? Who, what, where, why and when's a question I was hoping you wouldn't ask.

[C]

Okay, well, who, what, where and why? Wednesday on 102.9 the Free.

[A]

That's right. And so I mean you must be about the same age because you've been here 62 years. When did you move here?

[C]

When I was six months old.

[A]

So you're 62 and six months.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Just put a baby.

[A]

Oh, and how old of a gentleman are you?

[B]

I don't want to talk about Scott.

[A]

That's right, I forgot.

[B]

It makes it a little tough to talk about time. But I am in the twilight of my life. I'm quite old.

[A]

Scott, you think that there are less years in front of you than there are behind you?

[B]

Oh, absolutely. I'm walking off into the sunset and one day this Giant hat's gonna get put up on a barn and never come down.

[A]

That is a huge, huge hat. I've heard of a 10 gallon hat. That's how. How many gallons would you say this is?

[B]

About the size of a small swimming pool in an apartment complex in North Hollywood.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

About 8,000 gallons.

[C]

Listeners, if you can call in right now, guess the amount of gallons that this hat can hold closest to win a flat screen plasma.

[B]

I'm afraid I've already told them you said 8.

[A]

8,000 gallons.

[C]

I believe, listeners, if you can call in and thousand gallons, you will win this flat screen. Color screen, TV screen, plasma screen tv.

[A]

Wow, that. I mean, we can't take calls here, unfortunately. Whiz bang. But I appreciate the. Oh, don't know who has our number.

[C]

Hi, I'm just calling to say hi. I just wanted to guess 8,000 gallons. Oh, my God. Who do we got on the phone here? Oh, my God. My name is Bethany. I just wanted to guess. Well, you just welding yourself a flat screen tv, Bethany. Take care. All right, thank you.

[A]

I didn't leave any information on how to get this.

[B]

Wow, that was quite impressive.

[A]

That was impressive. How. How do you suppose she'll get this flat screen? Are you going to deliver it personally or.

[C]

Scott, can I be honest with you?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I was the caller.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah, so I do. I kind of do. You know, I don't have a phone system set up on my show either, so I'm kind of all the call.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Oh, so this is like a Phil Hendry kind of thing?

[C]

Yeah, it's exactly like Phil Hendry.

[B]

Where are you?

[C]

Phil Hendry?

[A]

Yeah, it's very famous from.

[C]

No, listen to me. Phil Hendry. It's exactly like him.

[A]

Okay, all right, fine. All right, good. All right, Whizbang.

[B]

I'm talking about Phil dead lips Hendry.

[C]

I don't know the voice of Kermit the frog.

[B]

I remember an old bandito named Phil Dead lips Landry.

[A]

This is one of your antagonists in your life story?

[B]

Yes. It's so nice to remember the good old days of the American frontier.

[A]

The American frontier. When did we get into the bad new days?

[B]

1920.

[A]

1920. So everything pre 1920 was great.

[B]

1860 to 1920 was.

[A]

Wow. Well, it's Rusty. It's. And can I call you Rusty?

[B]

You can call me Rusty or you can call me Hawkeyes.

[A]

Hawkeyes. And what. What does that refer to your nickname?

[B]

When I was a baby, my first eyes were not my own.

[A]

They were hawk's eyes.

[B]

They were hawk's eyes.

[A]

And so why is your nickname not Hawk's Eyes?

[B]

Well, it doesn't have a good roll off the tongue.

[A]

And Hawkeyes does?

[B]

Yes. It's a lot easier.

[A]

It wasn't easy for me to say because I stumbled over you.

[B]

Get used to it.

[A]

Tufferford.

[B]

Tougherford. Because I'm one tough son of a. Gotcha.

[A]

Well, we used to shoot.

[B]

I miss shooting people, Sky.

[A]

It seemed like you could do that way more back in the. The days of the old west.

[B]

You better believe it.

[A]

No care.

[B]

Everybody was killing everybody these days. You can't even crack. You can't even crack a joke about shooting somebody in the room these days.

[A]

I mean, you can't even make jokes about a lot of stuff.

[B]

Amen, brother. Father God, he killed your only son on the cross.

[A]

Oh, Jesus.

[B]

He gave him a crown of thorns and put his head with blood. Amen.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Well, it's. It's wonderful to have you here, Rusty. I'm going to call you Rusty, if that's okay.

[B]

That's fine.

[A]

And let's get to work.

[C]

Your voice is beautiful. I just love the way it shakes.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

So, just reminds me, you know, on my show, I have the. This little masturbation kind of tool that I make women sit on, and it shakes them around.

[B]

A Sibian.

[C]

Pervert alert. Caught you in the action.

[B]

What?

[A]

No.

[C]

Sounds like you're sitting on one of those.

[B]

What? No, I'm not on a Sibian.

[C]

How you make your voice do that?

[B]

Hey, I got a snake. There's a snake in my.

[A]

Sure, let's see that Sibian that's underneath you.

[B]

I'm not sitting on no Sibyl. The only thing I'm sitting on is my mule, Clop. Slapperman.

[A]

Oh, clap. I didn't realize you were on a mule there. I. I can't see under the table.

[B]

He's a very small mule.

[A]

Okay, well, the table is round, and plenty room for a mule under there. That's all I have to say about the CBB roundtable. That's all I have to say about it.

[B]

Don't say anything more. I'll hold you to it. I'll say, hey, remember when you said you didn't want to. You crossed your own boundaries.

[A]

Keep me honest, Rusty. Hey, I need you here.

[B]

I'm right here.

[A]

Well, let's get to our final. The final member of our panel here, and he's a folk singer. He also famously, I believe, portrayed a snowman in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I. I think. Please welcome Burl S. Ives.

[D]

Oh, the mendacity. Scott, you got my name wrong.

[A]

I'm so sorry. What part of it did I get wrong?

[D]

I understand. It's very understandable. The S is not an initial. It's Esk. My name is Burlesque.

[A]

Burlesque.

[D]

Burlesque Ives.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have misheard. Your PR person who brought you over here. Yes?

[D]

BURL Ives died 30 years ago, Scott.

[A]

Oh. Oh, oh, okay. And who are you?

[D]

I'm Burl S. Gyves. I'm a reimagining of your favorite folk singing, family friendly, Oscar winning actor.

[A]

Okay, so you're like a reboot.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Okay, well, great. Oh, it's wonderful to have you here.

[D]

Thank you very much. I'm glad to be here.

[A]

And are you related to the famous Burl Ives?

[D]

I'm a reimagining of him.

[A]

Right. Okay. So it's sort of like, I guess, when comic books reboot the new 52.

[D]

It's a little like that, yes.

[A]

Yeah. Are there parts of your origin story that are a little bit different than the original Burl Ives?

[D]

A computer took all of Burl Ives.

[A]

That's a lot of material, right? That's right, yeah.

[D]

Physically and in terms of his work, his output, his. Correct.

[A]

His oeuvre.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

The computer. This is your origin story?

[D]

That's right. The computer took all of Burl Ives and revamped him for today.

[A]

Okay. And what is more modern about you than the original Burl?

[D]

I contain all of modern sexual politics and social liberalism.

[A]

Okay, so the George Floyd protests. Never mind.

[B]

Why don't you catch him up to speed?

[A]

No, that's okay. I really. I don't feel qualified necessarily.

[C]

Then why'd you bring it up?

[A]

Look, I. He opened the door. I just thought I'd walk through.

[C]

But, my love, open the door. Call all day and all night radio requests.

[A]

So I mean, the original Burl. Burl Eichel, Ivanhoe Ives, he was born in Hunt City, illinois.

[D]

That's right. 1909.

[A]

1909. And you were made by a computer.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

So that's one of the many differences.

[D]

Right. I'm all the intellectual property of Burl Ives. Modernized.

[A]

Okay. And then you also. Your name is Burlesque Ives.

[D]

Correct.

[A]

And why did you change it to Burlesque?

[D]

Well, there happens to be. People are much more sexually evolved than they were when I was alive.

[A]

Okay, so you.

[D]

I mean, he was alive.

[A]

So you think that if the original Burl Lives were alive today, he would do the same Thing because people are more sexually adventurous.

[D]

That's right. I take all the subtext out of his folk songs and put them all as text.

[A]

Okay, so his many folk songs like Funny Way of Laughing, A Little Bitty Tear.

[D]

Yeah, but not those two, specifically those they didn't use.

[A]

Do you have any powers that Burl Ives didn't have? Any special abilities or anything? Tell us about your powers as a modern.

[B]

Reveal your powers.

[D]

Well, I definitely have character actor power.

[A]

Okay, right. I think the original had that too.

[D]

That's correct.

[C]

Like Austin Powers. Do I make you horny, baby?

[A]

Wonderful character, wonderful character, wonderful franchise. We were all very proud of our work in those films. And I was in number three, of course. And Gold Member.

[B]

I like gold.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's something me and him got in.

[A]

Common is that Tom Cruise and I have starting a movie together.

[B]

Wow. Do you get a cake?

[A]

I don't get one of those.

[B]

You don't get a coconut?

[A]

Yeah, the coconut cake. He never sends me one.

[C]

Wait, Tom Cruise and you did a movie together?

[A]

Gold Member. Yes, Austin Powers, Gold Member.

[C]

Tom Cruise.

[D]

Tom Cruise was in Gold Member. What was he, the back of Fat Bastards Head?

[A]

He. He portrays Austin Powers in the. In the beginning of the movie.

[C]

Oh, right.

[A]

In an uncredited cameo. But I still counted as we starred in a movie together.

[B]

I'll give it to you would too. I would, I would. You know I would. I mean, hell, I'm still talking about when I was hanging out with Two Bone Charlie.

[A]

Two. But why would they call him Two Bone Charlie?

[B]

He only had two bones.

[A]

Which one?

[B]

Spine and a boy. Could he play pool.

[D]

One of those is many bones and the other one's not one at all.

[B]

Come on, give it to him. Give it to him.

[A]

Give it to him. Come on, Burlesque. Give it to him.

[B]

22 Bone Charlie doesn't have the same ring to it. He's got several small bones and a cock, they'd say.

[D]

Me too.

[A]

I mean, look who amongst us. Well, gentlemen, it's wonderful to have you here on the program here.

[C]

It's wonderful to have you with us, Scott. Just steaming up the studio with your charisma. We are loving it. Thanks for joining us.

[A]

I love that whiz bang. So good to have you here. And I'm again, my condolences about the. It was the frizz or the.

[C]

That's right. May you rest in peace.

[A]

You brought a lot of your drops with you. I know.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the drop board's broken, so I've been doing it all by mouth.

[A]

Yeah. It seems like you don't have. You don't.

[C]

I don't.

[A]

The ability to take calls. You don't. Your drop board is broken.

[C]

No, but I can do it all.

[B]

You know, you're making me really want to have a drop. There's just something about the fun you're having.

[A]

Well, you did have that whip sound.

[B]

That's just my whip.

[A]

Oh, okay. Right.

[B]

It's on the side of my mural.

[A]

Well, gentlemen, it's so wonderful to have you here on the CBB roundtable. We're gonna get to the issues of the day. The. The table may be round, but we're just squarely in the middle of the issues. I think that's how I said it. And are you guys prepared for this?

[C]

Absolutely. Scottish. And if you guys are driving at home. Stay at home driving.

[A]

What's on your minds before we get to the. The questions of the day, what's been on your minds lately? I'll start with Burlesque Ives, who is, of course, a modern reboot of Burl Ives.

[D]

What's on my mind?

[A]

What's been on. What's in your crawl? What's sticking in your crawl? What's. What's going on? What have you been thinking about? What are the issues of the day, according to you?

[D]

Well, I hear gay marriage is a thing, and now it's soon to be not.

[A]

Possibly. Yeah.

[D]

Here I am, new to the world, and I'm not even going to get a chance to experience gay marriage.

[A]

Yeah, the. Either participating in it or looking lovingly at it.

[D]

Either way, I'd like to do it all. I'd like to get it from all angles.

[A]

Sure, Yeah. I mean, look, as human beings, we only go around this lifetime once. Why not do every single thing that's available to us legally?

[D]

The original Burl Ives could never he.

[A]

Who knows if he wanted to.

[D]

Well, I do.

[A]

Oh, you do? Oh, really? Was he interested in.

[D]

Well, I can't tell.

[A]

Well, then why bring it up?

[D]

You brought it up.

[A]

Oh, okay. I mean, he was married twice. Once to Helen Pack. Elric, and once to Dorothy Coster. Paul. Are they still with us?

[D]

They actually married each other.

[B]

They did.

[A]

They. Good for them.

[D]

Yeah. 1995. Once I passed away, they married each other.

[A]

I'm sure they had a lot to talk about, having you in common and whatever happened between.

[B]

Sometimes a common enemy is the strongest bond.

[A]

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

[D]

From what I understand, they found out afterward.

[A]

Oh, that. Oh, they got married and then they found out afterward that Each of them was separately married.

[D]

That's right. They're like this. Why were you signing this check from Burl Ives's estate? This one's for me. And they said, no, the other one said, that's mine. And they both realized they were getting checked for my estate.

[A]

That's an incredible story.

[D]

His estate. Sorry.

[B]

No problem.

[A]

I understand it's confusing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You never mentioned. Do you have any powers?

[B]

Well, tell me your powers.

[C]

Austin Powers.

[A]

I think we got off on the Tom Cruise of it all.

[D]

You were in a movie with Tom Cruise?

[C]

He sure was.

[B]

I like gold.

[D]

Well, I have the power to look on the top like a burly, middle aged snowman. And at the bottom, you know, fishnet stockings.

[A]

Oh, okay. I mean, it's not a power as much as just, you know, what you look like and what you're dressed.

[C]

Okay, ladies, call in anytime if you feel like your tits look like a snowman and your legs look like fish.

[A]

Anytime. Oh, wait, we're getting a call right now. It seems like.

[C]

Hello? Oh, my God. Is this Sharon Osborne? It's me, Aussie.

[D]

Condolences on your loss.

[A]

I'm so sorry. Yeah, Sharon, how are you? How are you doing? How are you holding up?

[C]

I'm holding it together, Rosie.

[B]

Oh, it's so sad. She's still saying Ozzy even though he ain't to guess.

[C]

How many gallons could that hat hold?

[A]

Oh, no, we've moved on to a thousand gallons. You're off. But we've moved on to. You were supposed to call in if your tits look like snowmen.

[C]

Oh, yes, they do. Bye.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Thanks for calling in. And any of you ladies on the road, call in anytime today. It's all requests. All live. Avril Lavigne.

[A]

Well, that's exciting. All Avril Lavigne. If you request it, it.

[B]

I'm sorry, my mule keeps farting.

[A]

It's okay. I understand. When a live animal is in the studio and. Anything on your mind, Rusty? Speaking of which.

[B]

Oh, just that I'm getting towards the end of my life and remembering the good old days. I miss going on hideout, Scott.

[A]

Yeah, that must have been so fun.

[B]

Hanging out in the badlands with bad, bad, bad men.

[A]

So you would essentially. You would rob a bank or. Or. Yeah. And then retreat to a hideout and just keep cool. Just kick it there.

[B]

Hey, we kick it. We post up old school style.

[A]

Sir the oldest.

[B]

We get nasty in that thing.

[A]

So wait, you guys would rob a train and then go each other in the side?

[B]

Hey, what you doing in Badland Stays in The. The Badlands, Scott.

[A]

So did it stay in the Badlands, or have you taken that behavior outside of the hideouts in the Badlands?

[B]

I leave it there.

[A]

You leave it there?

[B]

I leave it there.

[A]

Okay, so whatever goes on in the Badlands just goes. Stays in the Badlands.

[B]

Absolutely.

[D]

Back then, a bunch of bank robbers wouldn't have been comfortable telling people that they all had sex with each other after they pulled a heist. But today, bank robbers can have sex with each other all they want.

[B]

Such a high with the cash flowing out the bags from the horses behind. Because you're romping so fast and there's really only one place to take that kind of energy.

[A]

It makes you horny. Austin Power style.

[D]

Oh, the mendacity.

[A]

Is that one of Burl Ives's catchphrases?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Oh, the mendacity.

[A]

Was that from Rudolph? I can't remember.

[D]

Yeah, Rudolph filled with mendacity.

[A]

He was. He. I mean, you know, for a. For a reindeer.

[D]

Of course. We have to update that song.

[A]

Oh, really? What's the new update, Burl?

[D]

Ask Rudolph the Horse hung Reindeer.

[A]

Okay. Well, I mean, yes, pop culture has gotten a little coarse since you've been away.

[D]

That's right. We gotta cut through the chatter and make people want to listen to the whole thing.

[A]

Yeah. Gotta be noisy in order to gain the attention. It's the attention.

[B]

Are you telling me people aren't listening to whole songs anymore?

[A]

They're not.

[B]

What are they doing?

[A]

They're. I mean, they'll listen to about 15 seconds of a sped up song on Tick Tock.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

I mean, Tick Tock probably meant something different to you. Back in your day.

[B]

Tick Tock was what you were looking at when you're about to rob the train. You were looking at your stopwatch, getting them all lined up with all the other robbers and villains and crooks and criminals.

[A]

So back in the day, you would look at your. Your stopwatch? Yes. And instead of short form content, you would just see the numbers on it.

[B]

We'd see the numbers and we knew it was time to ride.

[A]

Okay, well, I mean, think. Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm a cowboy, baby.

[A]

Well, you know what? We're. We're gonna get to the issues of the day. I whiz. Bang. I didn't ask you what's on your mind. Do you. Do you have anything on your mind? I mean, you're still grieving.

[C]

I'm missing the frizz. You said it.

[A]

What did the frizz offer to your partnership?

[C]

Oh, we were whiz Banging the frizz, sure.

[A]

But what?

[C]

Chuckle back and forth, Stuff like that.

[A]

How did he compliment you?

[C]

Tickle, tickle, Kiss, kiss. Stuff like that.

[A]

Stuff like that, yeah.

[B]

So you guys would go on hideout too?

[C]

Sure, yeah.

[A]

In the Badlands. Yep. Spending a lot of time there, huh?

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Step into the bad side.

[A]

So it's. It seems like you. I mean, and that's where, I guess our modern society. You have that in common. All three of you are very sexually adventurous in a way I'm not. You're not? Really?

[C]

I've never had sex.

[A]

You're. I mean, we call them virgins. Oh, are you? You. You. You're not experienced in that way.

[C]

Meet Virginia. She doesn't own a dress. Harry's always a mess. You catch a stealing, she won't confess. So, Scott, we don't have the rights to any of the songs, which is why I've been singing them.

[A]

Well, that's okay. Yeah, That'll fool the algorithm. But do you want to have sex? And I'm not saying is it good? People seem to like it. What do you guys think? I mean, rusty burlesque.

[D]

I'm programmed to be sex positive. So as long as you're into it and he's into it, I'm into watching consent.

[A]

Oh, you're. Oh, you like to watch it.

[D]

That's right. Oh, here we hear silver and gold.

[A]

It's a silver and gold.

[D]

I'm a cuckold. I'm a cuckold.

[A]

So that's the new.

[D]

So happy to see my wife being plowed like the driveway under my Christmas tree.

[A]

That's beautiful. And that's a great update.

[B]

I love the sound of that.

[A]

That'll make the new generations really into that.

[D]

Yeah, I think so.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. So no sex is good.

[B]

Sex is fine. And it gets better when you're more connected with someone.

[A]

Well, sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one on one.

[C]

That's beautiful. Did you write that?

[A]

I didn't. Ms. A Little Gentleman by the name of George Michael wrote that. Who? I wish they would reboot Miss Little Gentleman.

[C]

Did he win the pageant?

[B]

George Dusty Rump smichel.

[A]

He was Miss Little Gentleman of, I believe, 2002.

[C]

Oh, my God, what a high honor.

[A]

Yeah, it was incredible.

[C]

By the way, which year were you Miss Little Gentlemen?

[D]

Oh, I know.

[C]

I saw the posters.

[A]

I was in 1973, actually.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah, before the Austin Powers franchise.

[C]

Are you going back for the crown, Little Miss Gentleman All Star Round?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. We're doing The All Stars. Yeah, Celebrity edition on that.

[C]

I'll have a booth set up.

[A]

Okay, great. I'd love to see you there.

[C]

I'd love to see you there.

[A]

Well, whoever sees each other first, it'll be me.

[C]

I'll have my eyes on you.

[A]

Okay, well, I hope not see you.

[C]

Coming from a mile away.

[A]

Okay, well, you know, we do have to take a break before we get to the round table, if that's okay. But when we come.

[C]

The round table, where the table's round and the people are square and the opinions is squarely in the middle of the round table.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Whiz Bang. When we come back, we're gonna get to the issues of the day. We're gonna hear from our panel what they think about what's going on in the world. We're gonna take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Whiz Bang, more Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford, more Burlesque Ives. We'll be right back with more Comedy.

[B]

Bang Bang after this.

[A]

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[C]

I will always love you. Huh?

[A]

That's a wonderful string of sound effects. And. And of course we have established that your board is broken, so you're doing all of those live.

[C]

My board is broken, but my brain ain't.

[A]

That's right. That's still working. And of course, rip to the frizz.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Was there a funeral or no funeral for the frizz?

[C]

That was kind of his one thing that he would always say.

[A]

He would always say no funeral for the frizz.

[C]

It was to sign off on the show.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. No funeral for the frizz.

[A]

Okay. So those were his wishes. So. Oh, are his ashes going to be scattered with a small congregation of friends. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, maybe, Maybe get some of the fans out. We might make it into a contest.

[A]

Oh, okay. That sounds, I mean, we'll catch the.

[C]

Most, you know, ash from the, from there.

[A]

Yeah. How, how would one quantify that?

[C]

Like catch it on your tongue, turn it to goose, put it in a cup. We can weigh it out. We do all sorts of fun, fun stuff on the radio.

[A]

Sounds fun. Yeah, it sounds great.

[C]

Well, yeah, by the way, I love your radio show. I think you're an impeccable host.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[C]

If you ever want to be, you know, the frizz, be happy to have you.

[A]

I mean, I might be looking for a lateral career move.

[C]

And you could make up your own name. You don't have to be the frizz whiz banging the, the jizz. Well, you, you start doing J sound, so.

[A]

I know. Yeah. And then I was going to take it, do it into an even worse direction, I think. Think so. But I, I. Let's talk about this on the next break. What do you say? I mean, what's the pay, you know?

[C]

Oh, absolutely. No pay.

[A]

No pay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Yeah, but the callers are hot.

[A]

Okay. I thought that you played it's me.

[C]

Pretending to be the callers, but I always do kind of like a hot.

[A]

Girl, Like a hot girl voice. Can I hear an example of it?

[C]

Give me a phone sound effect. Oh, we got a caller who's on the line. Hello?

[A]

That's not.

[C]

It's me, Sabrina. Okay. Oh, I'm just calling because I fell down the stairs. My skirt's wrapped.

[B]

She needs help. Okay, we can call 911 for you.

[A]

What is your location, madam?

[C]

Oh, 1-800-1-800.

[B]

How many M's is that?

[D]

It's gotta be at least seven.

[A]

Okay, 1-800. Okay, I'll call 91 1.

[B]

Hello?

[A]

Oh, hi, is this 91 1? Yeah, we have an emergency. Someone fell down.

[B]

No.

[A]

Heard something about their outfit getting torn off or something like that.

[C]

A skirt got flipped up over her head. Can't breathe in the skirt.

[A]

I think it was something like that. You got to get there, please. They need assistance in a hurry.

[C]

Oh, okay. I'm over here. All right. This is an epic opportunity to do the prank where we have the 911 operator and we have the victim. We put them on the line and we make them each think they called the other one. Let's listen in. Hello? State your emergency. Wait.

[B]

Hello?

[C]

State your emergency. It's working. It's working.

[B]

I'm cracking up in the studio. This Is some funny man.

[A]

This is good.

[C]

Now we're going to call a pizza parlor and make them think they ordered the pizza. I'm linking in the call now.

[B]

Okay, Dominant pizza.

[C]

I'm having an emergency.

[B]

Whoa, slow down.

[C]

Wait, wait. Who's ordering what?

[B]

Wait, wait, wait. You sound hot.

[C]

Wait, what Life.

[A]

Okay, I'm hanging up on this.

[C]

We bang in the fridge.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, this is. This sounds like a good opportunity.

[C]

The kind of pranks that we do.

[A]

That's the kind of pranks you do?

[C]

Yes. I think you could be good for that.

[A]

Okay, let's talk during the break about this. And. But. We. We. I have to introduce the rest of our.

[C]

But. But we.

[A]

We. We.

[C]

What? You sound like.

[A]

Of course we have Rusty Hawkeye Tufferford here.

[B]

I'm a cowboy, baby. Yee haw. Howdy.

[A]

And he brought his own sound effects, I guess.

[B]

It seems it's contagious.

[A]

Yeah. And he's on a mule, which is under a tiny miniature toy mule.

[B]

I wouldn't call him miniature. He's just small.

[A]

Okay. And we also have, of course, burlesque Ives here.

[D]

Oh, the mendacity. Oh, ho, ho, ho.

[A]

And burlesque eyes, of course, being a reboot of the famous. I guess famous is the right word. Although people don't really know about him all the time.

[D]

Famous, infamous. People don't know about him. He won the Academy Award for Big Country.

[A]

Big country is a movie.

[B]

Yes, with Gregory Peck.

[D]

Everybody knows that.

[A]

It's weird for a guy to be named after his style of kissing, isn't it, Gregory? Yeah, exactly.

[D]

That's a very Gregory kiss.

[B]

Gregory style, baby. I learned this in Greece.

[A]

Well, guys, we need to get to, of course, the CBB roundtable. We need to get to the issues of the day and talk about what's going on. I mean, look, everyone's talking about it. Things have been really kind of crazy of what's going on these days, and. And every time you kind of pick up up the newspaper, and honestly, it's more. These days, it's more like reading headlines or reading tweets about headlines, if you know what I mean. You. It can be overwhelming because so much is going on and there's. Oh, my God, the snake. Get that snake back.

[B]

Wait, that's your real voice back in mine.

[A]

Come here.

[D]

Give it that snake back.

[B]

We're back in business, baby.

[A]

Okay, you had.

[B]

Sorry about that.

[A]

You had such a rich, sonorous voice there.

[B]

Without the snake, I sound exactly the same.

[A]

I. I beg to differ.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

I hope I don't have to beg, but I will.

[B]

You don't. Okay, please don't beg.

[A]

I'm just going to differ, though.

[B]

I'll fold if you beg.

[A]

Okay, well, the snake's back in there. It's. It feels good.

[B]

Everything feels right in Spig and Span.

[A]

Okay, well, everything is crazy. It seems like the world can be oppressive these days with everything that's going on in the news. It can seem overwhelming. It can seem like a little bit too much. And that's what the CBB Roundtable is here for, is for us to kind of get all these issues out in the open. And it's like you can't even run.

[B]

A scheme anymore, Scott.

[A]

Schemes are very difficult.

[B]

Although you can't even hang out with Morgan the Cheat Lawless. What was Morgan the Cheat Lawless like? Oh, he was a pool shark and he'd play these games and rac people's bills up and he'd say, pay up. And they never had the money. And he said we could call it even if you show me your hog.

[A]

Oh, okay. Wow. And people would take him up on.

[B]

Oh, you better believe they were flashing hog left and right, Scott, to get out of their debts.

[A]

I guess I didn't really ever think of the old west that way with people just flashing hog all the time.

[B]

We're flashing hog.

[A]

You were flashing.

[B]

I was flashing.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

If you got a good one. Flashing it.

[A]

So you have a good one.

[B]

Oh, it's nice. It's. Whoops.

[A]

Snake coming out again.

[B]

Hey, come back here.

[A]

Okay, he's got it by the tail. Okay. All right, we're back. We're back. Well, in any case, let's get to. Let's get to the questions of the day. Let's get to the topics of the day. Everyone ready here for the CBB Roundtable?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

All right, here we go. Everyone's been talking about this. What is your most used emoji?

[B]

Everybody's been talking.

[A]

Everybody's talking about like, oh, look at all the emojis. Oh, look at all these emojis that are available. What is the one that I use the most?

[B]

Well, for me, it's the sunset, cuz that's what I'm walking off into.

[A]

Sky. Oh, that is gorgeous. That is. So when you. You. You text people, I would imagine you. You don't have an old timey stopwatch anymore.

[B]

Longer. No. I have tried to update with the times.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So it's hard not to.

[A]

I've noticed that you have a. You have a modern iPhone, but it's connected To a fob chain. And it's in your vest?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it's. It's like a. Like a lighter leash but for a phone, so it never goes too far.

[A]

Okay, so. So what's the last text that you sent?

[B]

My last text just says you want to get some carne asada or chile.

[A]

Verde, and then does it have the sunset emoji right there?

[B]

You better believe it.

[A]

Wow. And that's because you're gonna die soon.

[B]

Well, yeah, soon I'm dying. And I gotta be honest, I'm gonna be going into retirement soon, Scott.

[A]

So you're gonna retire and then die?

[B]

Yeah, I'm going to a retirement community, Scott, and then I'll slowly die.

[A]

Well, then just don't go into the retirement.

[B]

No, I gotta go. It's already paid for, Scott. I'm going to Laguna Kush Village. It's a beautiful, beautiful retirement community.

[A]

This is. This isn't where I think it is.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I mean, I hear Laguna Kush Village.

[B]

What do you mean, Scott?

[A]

Don't tell me this is in Krishtopia.

[B]

You know Kushtopia?

[C]

I.

[A]

There have been guests on this show, have talked about.

[B]

No way, Scott. I read about it in a brochure.

[A]

The lore about Kushtopia has accumulated over the episodes. It's. Well, it's a.

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

It's another dimension. Another dimension?

[B]

The pamphlet says an alternate planet Earth, but sure.

[A]

Okay, well. And it's in. Most everything is made entirely of Kush.

[B]

That's what the brochure says. Mostly everything's good.

[A]

Although they do have trains that are made of metal.

[B]

Yeah, well, what else would it be made out of?

[A]

It would be hard to run if it was just kush.

[B]

You've heard of it? That's so great. Have you been?

[A]

I've never been, but I. There various guests on this show have been to Kushtobi.

[B]

That's so exciting. I can't wait to go.

[A]

Okay, well, I mean, I. I honestly. I don't want to hear any more about it. It. There have been too many guests who would talk. I mean, whiz bang. Have you heard about Kushtopia at all?

[C]

Oh, yeah. It's where my ex wife lives.

[A]

Your ex wife lives?

[C]

I go every Christmas.

[A]

Oh, okay. How. What's it like there?

[C]

Oh, Kushtopias. It's insane. The trains are made of kush?

[B]

No, it's one of the few things that's actually not made in Kush. In Kushtopia mostly, according to the brown shoe words. Mostly everything's made of kush.

[A]

But the trains have to be metal.

[B]

In order to work a train made of nugs. What are you doing? Hollowing it out. You couldn't ride in a hollowed out pair.

[C]

I've been there. I've seen it.

[B]

What's your favorite thing about it?

[C]

The train. You ride it. That kush gets lit, it goes steamy and the puff come out.

[A]

I think he's lying about. That's the one thing that we established is not true. Whiz bang. You don't have to lie to be seem cool to us.

[C]

I've been to Kushtobia. I smoked a train.

[B]

Wait, so you've met a lot of the people from Kushtopia? If you've been.

[C]

Yes. Puffy Masterson, Big Blunt Berry.

[A]

These are not the people that. That I've met, Corey.

[B]

Well, there's so many, Sky. You can't just think that there's only six people.

[A]

The motorcycle guy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marty Motorcycle.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

He turns into a motorcycle and he always forgets. Gets his gun.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And who else was an original Lisa gilroy character?

[A]

There's Mr. Toots. Mr. Toots. Of course. Yeah.

[B]

Cooter, the supercomputer. The Executioner.

[A]

Oh, the executioner.

[B]

Mr. Toots a second time.

[A]

Yeah, a lot of people from Copia have been here.

[C]

But you said Copia. You've never been there. You've never been there.

[A]

I said I had never been there.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

I actually don't want to hear about it anymore. I'm surprised you're going to.

[B]

Oh, it says that everything was mostly kush and that felt like a good way to retire.

[A]

So you enjoy partaking the.

[B]

I'm gonna try it for the first time.

[A]

Really? What if it doesn't agree with you? Suddenly you're in an alternate Earth.

[C]

What if you want you stomachache?

[B]

I don't know. I feel like being a cowboy out on the prairie. You kind of get used to certain things. Certain discomforts, certain comforts. Certain discomforts and certain comforts are.

[A]

You used to like sleeping on tumbleweeds and stuff like that?

[B]

I miss tumbleweeds.

[A]

Well, I mean, kush is a lot like a tumbleweed.

[B]

I don't see tumbleweeds anymore. They're tumbleweeds in Kushtopia, Sky.

[A]

I think they're made of kush.

[B]

They'd probably be made of kush. I'd have to guess.

[A]

I mean, if they're not a train. I think they're made of kush.

[B]

Mostly everything. Not pizza.

[A]

Pizza is just Pizza.

[B]

Pizza's just pizza.

[A]

Pizza.

[B]

Pizza.

[A]

Which means there's wheat fields. Yeah, there's wheat for the bread.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

There. There are cows that make the cheese for sure.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

So a lot is not actually cooked.

[B]

Well, it depends what a lot is. Right. It's all percentages.

[D]

Sopia. The cows make the cheese.

[B]

Yeah, what else would.

[A]

What else would make cheese?

[B]

You think you're squeezing a nug's nipples trying to get some nug milk?

[D]

People make cheese.

[B]

That's very telling of what you're into, my man. That's what all your accumulated computer data got to. Is that you want to eat human chains.

[D]

There's no data in my, my processing network about Kooshtopia, so. No, I'm not aware.

[A]

Well, it's an alternate Earth burlesque. How would there be anything in the computer about it?

[D]

Well, I guess Burl Ives didn't know anything about it when he passed away.

[B]

Burl Ives would probably love it.

[A]

I. Maybe. Did he ever partake of the kind.

[D]

Absolutely not. It wasn't socially acceptable to smoke cannabis back in the 1909-1995.

[C]

Well, now you know, now it is and everyone's been there and you gotta check it out, Colin. Now to win two. Two tickets to Kushtopia, where the pizza is made of kush.

[B]

Let's break it down. Let's break it down.

[A]

But what is made of kush and what is not?

[B]

Mostly everything's made of kush. Okay.

[A]

Except for trains. Trains, because they have to work.

[B]

They have to work.

[A]

People have to get to work on time and get to wherever they're going.

[B]

You couldn't travel in a hollowed out peak.

[A]

Right. Pizza is pizza. Pizza's just pizza. Pizza. Right. And so all of the ingredients in pizza, to me, there are tomatoes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes. Tomato fields. Farmers who work on tomato fields. I would imagine there are farmers who have cows who make the dairy according to the brochure.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right. And then there are pepper, like our. What are the toppings?

[B]

Cheese or pepperoni?

[A]

Just cheese or pepperoni.

[B]

They keep it easy and simple down in the.

[C]

Or.

[B]

No halves and halves.

[A]

So. So I, I guess they have. What, what is pepperoni made out of? Like cow. Pig. Pig. Pig.

[B]

It'd be pig.

[A]

They got little pigs, so they got little pigs. So native Kush.

[B]

No, there are, there are Kush pigs, but they can't. There are little nugs that got little nubbins and little tails and little snouts.

[A]

But they have grown enough real pigs in order to make pepperoni.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Are there hot dogs?

[B]

No.

[A]

So no hot dogs.

[B]

The hot dogs are made of kush.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They're called smoke dogs, according to the brochure.

[A]

This brochure has a lot of information.

[B]

Look at it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

You could hang right off this thing.

[D]

I have a song for this.

[C]

This.

[D]

Let's go fly a kite up to the highest height. When I say fly a kite, I mean do hard drugs. Mushrooms and cannabis. Cocaine and angel dust. Let's all go fly a kite.

[A]

That's gorgeous, Berlin.

[B]

I love doing PCP. I'm Ms. Angel Dust. It's not the same anymore.

[A]

You've done a lot of hard drugs. You've just never smoked pot. I know, but. But pot's been around so long, it's.

[B]

That's for stoners and nels.

[A]

Okay. Well, you're going to be in a dimension where that mostly everything is made of kush.

[B]

I think I'll be ready for it.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Is there a dimension where everything's made of angel dust? An alternate Earth made of angel dust?

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Maybe. Maybe. I haven't been there.

[A]

We haven't fully explored Christopia, though at this point, it could be a. Technically.

[B]

There could be a province that would be like Katamenia or something like that.

[A]

But we're not really interested in exploring.

[B]

No. That kind of gets tough. But there is Mesopotamia and Heroinesville. That is there. According to the pamphlet.

[A]

That's there.

[B]

But do you really want to talk about it? That's not as fun.

[A]

Probably not. Burlesque. Ives, what is. What's your most used emoji?

[B]

All right, back to the issues of the day.

[D]

I only use one emoji. I experimented with it. I sign off every text I send with a snowman.

[A]

Wonderful, because you portrayed the singing snowman, or I guess Burl Ives did, in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It's not really a cartoon. It's a stop motion.

[D]

Yes, I suppose that's right. I bet that is why I do that.

[A]

Oh, you've never thought about it before.

[D]

I'm not very introspective.

[B]

Have you always been Flesh?

[D]

Well, were you at one point a floppy?

[B]

Just a floppy drive?

[D]

I am. As far as I am concerned, I am an AI Generated I IP built off of the chassis of an old retired robot dog from. From the lapd.

[A]

Oh, okay. One of those, like, attack. One of the ones that, like, rears up on its hind legs.

[D]

That's correct.

[A]

Okay. So you could attack us at any point.

[D]

Of course. As could all of you.

[B]

This is the point. I do have guns.

[A]

Oh, oh, you do. Unlike Marty Marser motorcycle.

[B]

Well, he's always forgetting his motherfucking gun.

[A]

That's right. All right, but now are you programmed to attack us or other human beings?

[D]

Oh, no, I'm programmed to entertain.

[A]

Okay, well, you have done that today, I have to say.

[D]

Well, would you like me to leave?

[A]

No, no, I would expect you to continue to entertain us, if that's all right, until the end of the program. Now, Whiz Bang. What is your most used emoji?

[C]

Oh, well, I didn't think of an answer.

[A]

Well, that's okay. You just look through your technique text. Read us all of your text.

[C]

Let me see. Let me see. Last text I sent was to the frizz. I said, I'm coming by my helicopter. Wait outside. I'll pick you up.

[B]

Oh, no, that imessage is only one.

[A]

Message, and it was the helicopter emoji.

[C]

Used helicopter emoji. Heart emoji.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do you talk to anybody outside of the frizz?

[C]

Frizz was my only friend.

[B]

Only one guy, huh?

[C]

Fruits was my only, only friend. No funerals for the frizz.

[D]

Oh, the mendacity.

[A]

So sorry you've lost your only friend. Do you. Do you have an outlet to get your feelings out? Are you in therapy?

[C]

It's this show, Scott.

[A]

Really?

[D]

What feeling was that?

[C]

Anger. That's all I got. A bunch of it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, we got a caller on the line.

[B]

Oh, hello.

[D]

Sounds hot.

[C]

Oh, my God. What are you guys talking about?

[A]

Hi, ma'. Am. What is your name?

[C]

Ma'?

[A]

Am? Ma' am is your name. Oh, okay. I got it in one. Amazing.

[B]

Ma', am, where's my belt?

[C]

Oh, my God. Sir.

[B]

Babe, where's my belt?

[C]

Sir is home. I have to go.

[A]

There's an issue. We don't want to cause any trouble at home.

[C]

Well, sir's looking for his belt, and it's wrapped around my head. I'm wearing it as a necklace, and sir's gonna be mad.

[A]

It's wrapped around your head, but you're wearing it as a necklace?

[C]

Yeah, that's part of my head head.

[A]

Isn't it your neck?

[C]

Oh, yeah, I guess.

[A]

Okay, well, look, we don't have to get into.

[C]

Wait, is this the pizza parlor? Who called who? Is this a prank? Wait, am I on Whiz Bang in the Frizz?

[A]

You are on Whiz Bang in the fridge.

[C]

We are on Whiz Bang in the Fridge.

[A]

Rip to the frizz. Of course.

[C]

Of course. No funeral is accepted.

[A]

That's right. And sir sir, did you ever find your belt?

[B]

What the. Babe? What the fuck? Where's my belt?

[A]

Sir, you're on the radio right now.

[B]

I have to go do a tough mudder. I need my belt. Oh. Oh, no.

[C]

Oh. Now that we. Guys. We got you guys on the line. What's your favorite Avril Lavigne song?

[B]

Found it, babe.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

It's around your head.

[A]

I guess technically you're. Now. I haven't heard that one, but it sounds beautiful.

[C]

Coming right up after the break, we've got Found a babe. It was around your neck by Avril Lavigne. Stay tuned on Whiz, Bang and the Fridge.

[A]

Wow. That was incredible. That was amazing. I. I don't think it necessarily answered my question about your emoji, but I. I would assume the helicopter. One.

[C]

One. Yeah, that's right. Now, Scott, how. How come you don't make any sound effects, like, ever? Yeah, like, it's just, you know, if you're gonna have a radio show, you should kind of have some sort of noise or something.

[A]

Like, what kind of sound effects are. Are we looking at? I could do.

[C]

What kind of stuff do you like? For example? Like, what are your hobbies?

[A]

Machine guns.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

So, like, I could do, like.

[C]

Okay. And then at the end of that, you gotta tack on what you. Your nickname to be on the radio show.

[A]

Okay. I can't do the Grizz. That's the something.

[C]

One syllable.

[A]

Yeah, the Grizz.

[B]

How about Hawkeye?

[A]

Well, Hawkeyes is two syllables.

[B]

Dang it.

[A]

How about.

[C]

How about the jizz?

[A]

You keep trying to push me into the jizz. I don't know that I want to be the jizz.

[C]

Oh, all right.

[A]

I mean, professionally, around the house, I could be known as the jizz.

[B]

Scott, remember your boundaries we talked about earlier.

[A]

Okay? Yeah, the. That's right. Okay, I'm sorry.

[D]

And nowadays it's okay to be called the jizz. I guess people talk about it at the dinner table.

[A]

People. I don't know that people are really talking about jizz.

[D]

Parents are talking to their children in middle school about their jizz. I tell you all, that's the way things are.

[A]

Children in middle school have jizz. Necessary.

[C]

Of course they do. They play it on the radio. It's the Star wars music, isn't it?

[A]

Well, it's. It's. They changed the name of it from Jizz to something else.

[C]

Jizz to Jazz. From Jizz to Jazz. The Scott Au.

[B]

From Jazz to Jizz to Jazz.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Well, guys, this. I mean, we've just. Just scratched the surface.

[B]

Scott, you were so natural in that position earlier as the co host.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

You hopped in there, no problem.

[A]

But we have to take a break right now before we get to the rest of the issues of the day. Is that okay? Everyone can stick around at the round table here.

[D]

We're done with emojis.

[A]

Why? Did you have more to say about it?

[D]

I just want to make sure it's a good time for a break.

[A]

We're closing the door on emojis. I think I got my answer. We have Sunset and we have Snowman and we have the helicopter.

[C]

Sunset, snowman and the helicopter.

[A]

This is not bad.

[C]

102.9.

[A]

Actually, that's a better station.

[C]

You think so?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No, don't change the channel.

[A]

Look, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have more of the CBB roundtable. We'll be right back after this. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Who do you go to in order to solve your problems, your life problems? A lot of people don't want to hear about it, right? I mean, if it's your friends, you can just start dragging them down with all your problems, like they're there to be friendly and have good times with you. Sometimes. Sometimes. I mean, sometimes they want to hear your problems, but enough already. I'm talking to my friends right now. Enough already. You know what do you over share with strangers? They don't want to hear about it, definitely. Well, there's a difference between that, doing those things that people don't like and actually talking with a therapist. And that is where Better Health comes in. With clinically trained and licensed therapists, they've been around for over a decade. Sounds like around 11 years to me. Helped millions. And out of 1.7 million client reviews, they have a 4.9 rating. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire, and these things are so short, helps identify your needs and preferences. And if you aren't happy with your matching, switch to a different therapist at any time. It's fully online and you can pause your subscription whenever, wherever you need to. With over 30,000 therapists. Sounds like 30,001, maybe. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people, 5 million and 1 globally. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of Expertise. Find the one with BetterHelp, our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Bang Bang. That is betterhelp.com Bang Bang. You know, when you think about game day, you might not think Wayfair, right? I mean there are two one's, two words and one's one word. First of all, that's confusing right off the bat. And then they're totally different letters. Although the A's, there still are two A's. But the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair. And the W and the, the the the Y is in both. You're. I mean this is pretty similar actually. Game day Wayfair. I mean you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right. Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds. Whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot, cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot, right? Wayfair has something for every style in every home, no matter your space or your budget. They even have decor and merch from your favorite sports teams. And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff. When you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day. I mean, when I say I, I mean Coolop. Coolop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff. She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween, a rabbit sitting with a ladybug that I guess that's year round that can just stay out there forever. So yeah. So Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes. In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day. From coolers and grills to recliners and slow car cookers. Shop, save and score goal [e-mail] that's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home. You know, between busy schedules or schedules. If you're from England and summer plans, sometimes all you've got is a couple of minutes in between things you're doing right. Well, factor helps you eat smarter, not harder. I don't know how you could even eat harder. Eat smarter with tasty chef prepped meals that are dietitian approved and delivered right to your door. And now with more than 65 weekly meals made for how you live and what you like to eat, you've got even more ways to fit in a real meal wherever the day takes you. I like factor meals because I have a busy schedule. These things are very, very easy to prepare. Sometimes I'll be like, oh, my God, I only have 20 minutes from in between this podcast I did and all of the talks with my financial advisors, and I look in the fridge and I go, thank you, Factor. You're here for me. And then, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boom, they're ready. I'm ready. I eat it, shmeat it, and beat it. And you can do it, too. Eat [e-mail] Bang Bang 50 off and use code Bang Bang 50 off to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's code Bang Bang 50 off at Factor Meals.com for 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with Factor offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here. Scott Aukerman here, and I am heading up the CBB roundtable on this very special episode of Comedy Bang Bang. And our panel is here with me, of course, we have Burlesque Ives, the folk singer. More accurately, a reboot of a dead person, but for with modern sensibilities. What are your pronouns? Do you mind me asking?

[D]

Answer to all. All of them. Really?

[A]

Anything anyone wants to call you?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

That's generous of you.

[D]

It's confusing because I. No matter who's talking about who, I assume they're talking about me.

[A]

I could understand that would be confusing to you.

[D]

I, we, us, them, they, it.

[A]

Third person, first person, second person.

[D]

Absolutely doesn't matter to me.

[A]

Exactly.

[D]

You, plural.

[A]

Well, welcome. Welcome to the land of the living. How long have you been with us, by the way? Way.

[D]

Let's see. It's been about six months.

[A]

Six months, really? So what have you.

[D]

It takes about a billion gallons of water a day to sustain me.

[A]

Wow. Okay. That's a lot more than your hat, actually, which is about 8,000 gallons.

[B]

Just about. Where do you fit all that water?

[D]

I don't take care of it.

[A]

My guy, it just evaporates. What happens to the water?

[D]

The company that owns me takes care of it.

[A]

Okay. And it gets poured into the computer. What. What happens to the water?

[D]

That's right. They pour it into the computer. It's a. It's a amphibious computer.

[A]

Okay. So it runs on water like the.

[D]

Ones that they use in Atlantis.

[A]

Oh, wait, is Atlantis real?

[D]

It's as real as Lemuria.

[B]

Breaking news.

[A]

So they pour the computer into the water. It Starts it up and then you appear.

[D]

It starts it up.

[A]

Was that your attempt to see the Rolling Stones start me up?

[D]

This. That. Well, I'm a folk singer. So this was the. The COVID of the Mighty Wind. Cover of the. The song that you were referencing?

[A]

Rolling Stones.

[B]

Yes, the Rolling Stones. Isn't that a group of bandidos out of South War?

[A]

I know it may seem like it, but no. They're a group of elderly gentlemen who play a type of music called rock and roll.

[B]

Oh, okay. Rock and roll. The Rolling Stones. Interesting correlation.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I can't quite put it together, but there's something there. Is there not?

[A]

They almost call themselves the Rocking Stones.

[B]

Oh, you're full of facts, Scott.

[D]

I am full of something amazing. They made so much music and put out a magazine.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, they did it every month.

[D]

That's a crazy. That's very productive work.

[A]

Yeah. No. Some great Americans. And we also have Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford here.

[B]

I'm a cowboy, baby.

[A]

That's right. And we also have Whiz Bang.

[C]

What's up? Whiz Bang in the frizz, 102.9.

[A]

Hello.

[C]

You ate a whole wheel of cheese. I'm not even mad. I'm impressed.

[A]

Incredible stuff. Guys, we need to get back to the issues of the day. Are you ready to continue with the CBB roundtable?

[B]

I've never been more ready.

[A]

Really? I find that hard to believe. You've lived such a long life, and you've never been more ready for anything. What about when you robbed all those banks? Was that like. Was that on spur of the moment? Was that.

[B]

You want to know the secret sky?

[A]

What's that?

[B]

I'm always ready because I'm always in the moment.

[A]

You are. Okay.

[B]

See, cowboys, we didn't have phones and TVs and radios and books and stories. Well, we had those books.

[A]

Yeah. And radios.

[B]

Well, sometimes, yeah. Not on the back of oars, but. Let's not get caught up in specifics. But we were always in the moment. You only had right now.

[A]

So you. No cowboy would ever have any kind of foresight about anything. Like. Like, oh, in a year, I want to do this this, or in two years, I want to do this.

[B]

You'd be lucky to be making it to tomorrow when you're out on the wild, wild west.

[A]

Is your snake. The snake came out again.

[B]

Wild, wild West. Get that back here. Come on, little snake. Sorry about that.

[A]

No problem. No. Do we ever get to talk to the snake when it escapes or no.

[B]

Comment from the snake.

[A]

Okay. And of course, Whiz Bang. I've talked to you about you before, but.

[C]

You talked to me about what before? You talked to me about me before.

[B]

Did you guys sign a big deal during the break? Did you cross some te.

[C]

You know, your radio show and my radio show are actually neck and neck for number one radio show, Really?

[A]

I. I mean, this is a podcast, but.

[C]

Yeah, but you play it during the daily commute, don't you?

[A]

You. Some people can. If they have the ability to do so, they play.

[C]

And you take callers sometimes, don't you?

[A]

Not really. I mean, we have had some callers on the show, but.

[C]

Right, so.

[B]

So you both save people.

[A]

In what way?

[B]

You save them. You're there for them in their loneliest moments. You're a voice that fills the room.

[A]

I mean, am I a hero? Maybe? Did you ask me that? No, but. Yeah, I mean, I think that we both have.

[C]

Let's join forces. Come on.

[A]

Yeah, I think so. I mean, combining our shows, you know, you have the callers, you have the drops. I have. I don't know exactly what I do on this one, but the Whiz Bang and the com.

[C]

What is it? Community. Bong Bong.

[B]

Comedy Whiz Bang.

[A]

Comedy Whiz Bang. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know.

[B]

Hawkeyes.

[A]

I think you're on your way to Christopia.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[A]

I don't think that.

[B]

I can't stick around. I gotta go through a portal. That award.

[A]

Yeah, it's already paid for.

[C]

I love it. Comedy Whiz Bang in the Hawkeyes 102.9.

[A]

Okay, looks like you're back in. Well, guys, let's get back to the issues of the day. Everyone's talking about it. Everyone is out there these days saying, like, oh, my God, look at this thing over here. But then there's. There's almost an equal amount of people over there going, no, no, look at this thing. And I disagree about the first thing that you said, and I think this thing is more important, and let's fight about it. Let's. Let's just hash it all out right here. What do you say?

[C]

I agree.

[A]

All right, here's what people want to know. Who was your childhood actor or actress? Crush. I'm gonna go. Well, I'm gonna go to Whiz Bang first.

[C]

Childhood actor Crush.

[A]

Actor or actress?

[C]

God, that's a hard one.

[A]

And they don't have to be a child. I'm not saying that you now, as an adult, have a crush on A child. I'm saying when you were a child. Oh, who is your crush?

[C]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Could probably an adult actor. Or maybe a similarly aged teen actor.

[C]

Of course. Easy. It's the. And this is true. The tree with tits in the Last Unicorn.

[A]

What is the last unicorn again?

[C]

Last Unicorn. Incredible animated feature in which Melvin, I believe his name is, he's a wizard. He puts some sort of curse on a tree. The tree comes to life and it has giant tits.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna do a Google image search here for this last unicorn. Tree with tits. Okay, I just put tree. I didn't put tree with tits. Should I put trees?

[B]

Can't leave out the tits.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

Got it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Show the class.

[A]

Okay, I guess these are tits here.

[C]

I. Yeah, those are the titles. Tits. So the tree kind of pulls the magician close. Smothers and inner tits.

[A]

Some plumpers, some big natties.

[B]

I love them. Natty Scott, you love them Natural.

[A]

Really? You don't like these fake silicone?

[B]

I'm tired of all this fake. I miss the good old days.

[A]

Burlesque. What about you? What are you?

[D]

I'm a boob man myself. Got a song all about it.

[A]

Oh, let's hear it.

[D]

It's I'm a big Randy Mounds man.

[A]

Is that just the start of it.

[D]

Or that's the title of it? Oh, you want to hear it?

[A]

Yeah, I'd love to hear it.

[D]

Give it up for the bees. Celebrate the seas. Double D's are really something. Don't care where the lemonade flows or the fudge out goes I'm a big cocked Randy Mounds man.

[A]

Like that. That's a fantastic update of a classic. What were the original lyrics of that?

[D]

Oh, the buzzing of the bees and the cigarette trees. The soda water fountain where the lemonade springs and the bluebird sings in the big rock candy mountain.

[A]

That was what people cared about back in the 50s, right?

[D]

What are these hobos doing and what are they dreaming about?

[A]

Yeah, cigarettes and stuff like that. Nowadays it's about being a big cocked. What now?

[D]

Randy Mounds man.

[A]

So who. I. I guess you've only been around for six months.

[D]

Correct.

[A]

But did you have any sort of crush on. On anyone growing up in the. In the previous six months? In the.

[D]

In the. In the previous six months, I, you know, I. I had a crush on. I saw a movie that had an actress in it that I. When I was first downloading all of the new modern things.

[A]

Right, so you were downloading, putting all of the information from all. All. Every movie, every book, every right. From.

[D]

From 1995 until today.

[A]

Okay. Just to update yourself.

[D]

Correct.

[A]

Okay. So what did you see?

[D]

I saw the. I saw weapons weapon.

[A]

Oh, this The Zach Kreger movie that came out?

[D]

That's correct.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

And that lady, the Aunt Gladys, She's. She'd be my childhood crush.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

She did something for you.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, I can see that. I mean, you know, I mean, it's a very distinctive look.

[D]

Okay. I don't go into for conventional beauty. That's not what today's sexual society is all about.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

I like that she's striking. I like that she was in Uncle Buck. That's pretty cool.

[A]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. You mean the actress, not the actual character.

[D]

Oh, okay. I feel foolish.

[A]

I thought it was Scott. Gladys might have been in Uncle Buck.

[D]

I thought she was posing as Shanice, putting a spell on Uncle Buck.

[A]

Does anyone know what we're talking about right now?

[B]

I watched the movie Uncle Buck. No, the weapons.

[A]

Oh, okay. Rusty. Hawkeye's tougher for. Did you have a childhood crush?

[B]

Oh, you know that I really had a crush on Elizabeth. The Grand Canyon. Hell with fire.

[A]

Oh, who was this? Now, I. I'm afraid that people don't really know who that is.

[B]

She was a girl whose legs were as wide as the Grand Canyon.

[D]

That's insane.

[C]

I love that.

[A]

That's wide.

[C]

Mouth as wide as the Grand Canyon too.

[B]

Oh. She kept her mouth quiet unless you wanted her to speak.

[C]

Oh, that's awesome.

[B]

It was more about her legs. And then, of course, there was tainted milk, Susan.

[A]

Oh, what was tainted?

[B]

All the boys loved tainted milk, Susan.

[A]

What were her attributes?

[C]

She dipped her taint in the milk.

[B]

That be so funny? No, she couldn't stop leaking milk out of her armp and it was bad.

[A]

Oh, okay, yeah, that. I mean, that sounds like more of a disease, but she was very ill.

[B]

But she had all the boys running.

[A]

Wild, running away from her. So they didn't.

[B]

Towards her.

[A]

Straight towards her.

[B]

There was something in the milk. I think it was pheromonal.

[A]

Wow. Did you ever partake?

[B]

You know, I drank that stank. Come on, Scott. Hit him. Hit him. Hit me two times.

[A]

Okay, no one's making any sound effects. Are you out of sound effects, whiz bags?

[C]

Oh, oh.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Merry Christmas. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.

[A]

Is that enough times for you to be hit?

[B]

That's what I'm talking about.

[A]

All right. Fantastic. Well, those are very interesting angels answers. So I think we.

[C]

What's yours, Scott? Come on. Don't be shy. Step up. To the plate.

[A]

I guess I would, you know, I mean, growing up, I. I would see, you know, beautiful women on television a lot. It was the era of Jiggle tv. So, you know, Nancy Pelosi, probably.

[C]

What's Jiggle tv? Is that like Jigglypuff Exclusive.

[A]

Charlie's Angels. It was a sort of a way to describe what was going on. Is it the films kept.

[B]

Kept that bounce and venom.

[C]

Is that true? They called it Jiggle TV.

[A]

They did? Yes.

[C]

In what, in the early 2000s?

[A]

No, in the late 70s, early 80s.

[C]

Well, then why'd you say Charlie? Oh, we got a different kind of.

[B]

Some shows have multiple. Multiple iterations.

[D]

Things get rebooted and reimagined all the time.

[A]

Yeah. It's not just you. Burlesque.

[D]

Yeah, Charlie. It happened to Charles's Angels.

[A]

Do they have Charlie's Angels in Kushtoia? Do you know?

[B]

Yeah, they do. It's three nugs and a. And a. And a man with attitude.

[A]

Are TVs made out of Kush?

[B]

Huh? Let me check.

[A]

Because they do have TVs.

[B]

There's nothing in the brochures about that.

[A]

I would think they would have to be metal and tubes and stuff. Weird. And that there would have to be factories.

[B]

Oh, here it says that they just do plays.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Plays in live music.

[A]

Okay. So are the arenas made out of kush?

[B]

Yeah. Yes, it's called kush cree, where they grind up the kush and dry it up and mix it with parts of water, sand, and plaster, making a hard substance.

[A]

So there is sand, there's plaster and there's water.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would imagine most of the planet is water.

[B]

Well, you know, a ground up nug can be sand. Sand is just small other things.

[A]

But plaster is not nugget. No.

[B]

I don't know what plaster is.

[A]

So there are factories where they make plaster.

[B]

There's quarries where the plaster is mine.

[A]

Okay. But then they have to turn it into the plaster. They have to. Then I would imagine, you know, pack it up into containers. Yeah.

[B]

You can make a box out of kush.

[A]

Yeah. Ship it out to people. Sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And Charlie's Angels is a play.

[B]

It's a. No, Charlie's Angels is three nugs and an interesting stern man. You want to get down on a Charlie's angel tonight and you snorkel back three nugs and a vaporizer and talk to an interesting man.

[A]

This makes sense. This makes sense. Guys, we gotta get to our next issue. All right, you have to sing karaoke. What song do you pick? This is what people want to know.

[B]

I'm a cowboy, baby.

[A]

Rusty, we're gonna start with you. What song do you pick?

[B]

I'm a cowboy, baby.

[A]

I know that's. That's catchphrase, but what song. What song is that?

[B]

I'm a cow.

[A]

I want to talk to the snake next time.

[B]

That's the song.

[A]

That's the song.

[B]

Yeah. I think it's a kid rock song.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Excuse me, Snake.

[A]

Excuse me, Snake. What's it like being in Rusty? What's it like being in Rusty's throat?

[C]

I gotta run. Cause I'll be missed.

[A]

No, I want to talk to you. Yeah. You know me, right? Scott from Comedy Bang Bang. Yeah. An Austin Powers Gold member.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Sweetie. Sweetie. Where's my belt?

[A]

What?

[C]

Where's my belt?

[A]

Oh, my God. There's a second snake in here.

[C]

Get back in here with my belt. I don't know. Get back in. Get back in the body. I think I gotta go.

[A]

Okay. Where. But you're still here. Oh.

[C]

Oops. I'm still here.

[A]

Where'd you come from? Oh, okay, now you have two snakes in there.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

God. Turn down the level on a.

[B]

I'll pull the plug out of the wall. We gotta get one of these snakes.

[A]

Okay, good. So you're just a one snake guy.

[B]

I'm one. I'm a one snake man.

[A]

All right. Fantastic. Burlesque. Ives, what song do you sing?

[D]

Polly Wally Cue. Polywally. Cue Polly Wally. Cue. Oh, I went down south on my gale cell. We're in a polycule today with Denise and our boyfriend Hal. We're in a polycule today.

[A]

Very modern. Very, very modern. Update.

[C]

Very modern.

[B]

You'll never know if you're in a Polycule tomorrow.

[A]

That's a good point. Whiz Bang. What song do you sing at karaoke?

[C]

Oh, every song is a karaoke song to me. Scott.

[A]

Name anyone, any song. Happy Birthday.

[C]

Happy Birthday.

[B]

I mean, that's already true. Any song is a karaoke song. It's not eating. It's nothing profound.

[A]

It's not a brag or.

[C]

Yes, it is. I mean, I can sing the karaoke track. The lyrics, perfect to any song.

[A]

Okay. The lyrics, perfect.

[C]

Yeah. Lyrics, perfect.

[B]

One week by Bare Naked Ladies.

[C]

One way she looked at me glass in the side and said, I'm angry. And two days is the living room. When you just did this, what I thought you were gonna do.

[A]

Do the chickity China, the Chinese chicken part.

[C]

Chick China, the Chinese chicken. Have a drumstick. Watch the next thousand.

[D]

No lights on.

[A]

You forgot how it's smoking method. This is one. We got to do karaoke together.

[C]

Like, here's one film, and I'm like, films. But if I did that, I was samurai.

[B]

I mean, whiz bang said it.

[A]

And he was right.

[B]

Any song that was impressive.

[A]

Incredible.

[B]

Yes, br.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Oh, the snake is out again.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

No problem. No problem. No problem. Problem. All right, we're getting to our last question here.

[C]

Scott, come on. Don't hold back on us. I know you got the voice of an angel singing karaoke. You're singing it so sweet.

[B]

Sing it so sweet. You know, I'm snake and me now.

[C]

My snake got that Snake almost turned you into Hugh Jackman.

[A]

And I almost had the body of Hugh Jackman, which is very exciting.

[C]

No, didn't even come close. I was looking you.

[A]

All right, let's get to our. Our next topic that everyone's talking about. If you had to eat one meal every day for the rest of your life, what would it be? All right. I second it. Really? Okay, you burl ask. What about you, Rusty?

[B]

P U S S y me baby.

[A]

So we all agree would be well for the. For the rest of our life.

[C]

P S S why? Because I got off.

[A]

Oh, the mask is here.

[B]

P S S Y dot com, dot com.

[A]

Okay, it's back in.

[B]

My throat's getting loose. I got to be honest with you.

[A]

It's getting out with more and sequences. Well, guys, I think we hashed out a lot of stuff. We really. We really settled some hashtag hash or kush. That's true.

[C]

Is there any hash in Christopia?

[B]

Oh, you know, they got that good, good. They got concentrate. They got solventless rosin resin hashish. They got brick style. They got hand style. They got scissors style.

[C]

Melty on the spoonie.

[B]

Oh, you know, you could hot knife it. You could put it in an e cigarette at. You could drink it, sneak it and freak it.

[A]

Wow. I mean, Kristopia sounds interesting.

[B]

Sounds awesome.

[A]

I don't know necessarily that we would ever do a CBB presents about it.

[C]

You gotta. You could do a big CBB live show there. The arenas are made of metal, famously.

[B]

I think people are really begging for it.

[A]

I don't know that they are. I mean, if it were to happen, it would probably happen around 420, which is so far away from the now.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

[A]

But. But I mean, we'll. We'll check back in with you. When do you. When are you set to go?

[B]

I'm off tonight.

[A]

Really? You're leaving tonight?

[B]

The Warlocks open in the big portal in the sky, and I'm gonna get sucked up and sent down to Laguna kush village.

[A]

Wow. Well, thank you for making the time for being here.

[B]

Thank you for having me. This has been the most fun I've ever had, Besides shooting, stealing, scheming, and hiding out.

[A]

Wow. And we know what goes on in the hideout, so that's high praise.

[B]

P u S s y is nowhere to be found.

[A]

That's right. All right, well, guys, get the snake back in there.

[D]

Jim west. Desperado.

[B]

Hey, that's one word I didn't say. Desperado. Desperado.

[A]

We are running out of time, guys. We. We really only have time for one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called called plugs.

[B]

Tell us everything you're doing and where you'll be. Plus the part that we've all been waiting to hear here all this time, and it's finally.

[A]

Very nice. That was plug away by timbre. Timbre. T I M B.

[C]

Going down.

[A]

Guys, what do we plug in here? Obviously, whiz bang, you are without a partner, but you can be heard every 25 hours or so on KFRT 102.9.

[C]

Here in the daily drive. Tune in tomorrow. It's gonna be a balmy 88 degrees Celsius.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Anything else to plug?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Check out twisted metal on peacock.

[A]

It'll make you feel orgasmic, I guess, if you.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

All right. Fantastic. And burlesque ives, what are you plugging here?

[B]

Well, I'm gonna. Oh, nope. You went out of order.

[A]

Forget who you are?

[B]

Yeah, I thought you just went out of order is all.

[A]

I'm not sure what the order is, but. All right.

[B]

One, two, three.

[A]

I was going clockwise.

[B]

Sorry, I'm out of here.

[A]

No, stay, stay. We need to hear your plugs, but not before burlesque Ives.

[B]

My apologies.

[D]

I'm going to be performing live in all regal theaters between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas. Every single regal theater at the same time. Live.

[A]

Wow. Okay. That's fantastic. Yep.

[D]

21. 21 years and older.

[A]

Okay. Oh, yeah.

[D]

It's a kid's show, though.

[A]

Okay. I'm not sure how you square that circle.

[D]

Oh, the mendacity.

[A]

Okay. Of course. Your catchphrase. And. Hey, Rusty Hawkeyes, Tougher, furred. We finally got into you. What do you got to plug?

[B]

It's for sure my turn.

[A]

It certainly is.

[B]

I'm gonna talk about that on the drive to kishtopia. I'll tell you what. Oh, I can only imagine oh, nothing to plug. Follow a funny comedian named Jake Wasocki and tune into my Rusty's Twitch stream. I'll be twitching live every Thursday in Kushtopia.

[A]

From Kushtopia.

[B]

Yeah, we'll be live from Kushtopia.

[A]

Okay, tune in.

[B]

I'll be trying different strains every Thursday.

[A]

Fantastic. Well, I want to plug. Hey, head over to cbbworld.com. this is where you can hear the entire archive of this show. Comedy Bang Bang. All of it ad free. Every episode we've ever done, all the new episodes ad free. Plus every live episode we've ever done. All of that is over there. Plus we have other things like womp it up. We have the neighborhood. Listen. We have Collegetown. We have Scott as in Scene where I watch movies with friends along with my friend Sprague, the Whisperer that I haven't seen. And we have ad free Threedom. So much stuff going on over there. And CBB presents with shows like hey Randy and this book changed my life and who me with the Batman. So much going on over there. Head over to cbbworld.com. all right, let's close up the old plug bag.

[B]

2025, I'm talking open up the BL B. And then you are alive. Open up the BL B. 2025, I'm talking, open up the blood bag.

[A]

Oh, beautiful. That was. What was that exactly? That was Plugberg.

[C]

What was that?

[A]

By William Gilbert Plugberg. That was fantastic. If you have a plug theme, head over to cbb world.com and you can upload it there. You can. You have all the stems for remixes, everything over there. And guys, I want to thank you so much.

[C]

Much.

[A]

The CBB roundtable is now closing. It's becoming square, perhaps rectangular again. But I really would appreciate you all coming in here and hashing things out. Whiz Bang. So wonderful to have you. And I look forward to Comedy Whiz Bang.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Hey, think about the partnership, brother.

[A]

I will think about the part.

[C]

I would love to do a radio show with you.

[A]

I. Yeah, I would too. Would you ever do a podcast?

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay. All right. We also have Burlesque Guy. Thank you so much for being here.

[B]

Happy to be here.

[D]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

Do you have any songs that you didn't do?

[D]

All the songs.

[A]

That's all the ones you've written?

[D]

All the ones I know.

[A]

Okay, well, so it's gonna be a short show. When people see you at all the.

[C]

Regal theaters, you gotta head out to a birthday party at Farmer Gray's right there's. A birthday party at the house of Farmer Gray.

[D]

Oh, that's right.

[C]

Perfect ending to a perfect day.

[D]

See, I knew that one.

[A]

Yeah, you did know that. And of course, Rusty Hawkeye's tougher for.

[B]

Thanks for having me. See you next time.

[A]

I don't know that we're gonna see you ever again. You're headed off to Gustopia.

[B]

We'll see. Wink, wink. Okay, come on.

[A]

All right. And now the circle is a rectangle. We'll see you next week. Thanks.

[B]

By.

[C]

It'S stock up September at Whole Foods Market. Find sales on supplements to power up for busy weeks. Plus, pack your pantry with pasta, sauce and more everyday essentials. Enjoy quick Breakfast for Less with 365 by Whole Foods Market. Seasonal coffee and oatmeal. Grab ready to heat meals that are perfect for the office. Office. And save on versatile. No antibiotics ever. Chicken breasts. Stock up now at Whole Foods Market, in store and online.

[A]

Adam Pally here, and I'm John Gabris. We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the hosts of the TV show 101 Places to Party before you die.

[D]

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[A]

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