Sixteen Toilets And Another Day Older (Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Episode Summary Title: Sixteen Toilets And Another Day Older
Guests: Dr. Bill Blondie, Danny Mahoney
Release Date: August 11, 2025

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Introduction

In this lively episode of Comedy Bang Bang, host Scott Aukerman welcomes his personal physician, Dr. Bill Blondie, and returning guest Danny Mahoney. The show kicks off with Scott's signature blend of humor and absurdity, setting the stage for an engaging conversation filled with quirky insights and comedic revelations.

Discussion with Dr. Bill Blondie

[03:18 - 22:18]
Scott Aukerman engages in a humorous dialogue with Dr. Bill Blondie, touching on various fictitious government health policies and their bizarre implications:

• Government Health Policies:

  • Dr. Blondie humorously claims involvement in cutting cancer research to make products like Fruit Loops healthier by removing color dyes.
  • Hearing Aids as Luxury Items:
    Dr. Bill Blondie: “They're going to be blinged out, like bejeweled. Yes. Everyone can feel like a rock star for just $50,000.”
    [13:10]
    Scott expresses skepticism about trading essential health research for cosmetic changes in food products.

• Aspirin Controversy:

  • The duo debates the merits of aspirin, with Dr. Blondie absurdly stating it causes ambidexterity in young men.
    Dr. Bill Blondie: “Aspirin is causing our young, lonely men to be ambidextrous.”
    [16:26]

• Popcorn Health Benefits:

  • A satirical take on health trade-offs is presented when discussing the removal of husks from popcorn to improve dental health.
    Dr. Bill Blondie: “Popcorn doesn't get stuck in your teeth anymore. No more husks in your throat.”
    [14:57]

• Culinary Adjustments:

  • They joke about reshaping sugary treats like Rolos to make them slimmer, aiming to reduce consumption while maintaining satisfaction.

Introducing Danny Mahoney: The Life of the Party

[30:09 - 56:35]
Danny Mahoney takes center stage to discuss his unique business venture, Life of the Party, Incorporated, where he positions himself as the ultimate party entertainer. The conversation brims with humor as they delve into Danny's unconventional approach:

• Business Concept:

  • Danny Mahoney: “You call me up, you're having a party. Doesn't matter what kind of party it is. I come and make myself the life of the party.”
    [41:54]
    Danny emphasizes his role in transforming mundane gatherings into vibrant celebrations.

• House of Toilets:

  • A running gag about Danny's house featuring 16 toilets, each strategically placed in different rooms, including unconventional spaces like closets and hallways.
    Danny Mahoney: “I have a toilet in every room in my house.”
    [44:35]

• Boombox and Battery Troubles:

  • Danny's reliance on a boombox filled with D batteries leads to comedic frustration as he struggles to manage the sheer number of batteries required for his setup.
    Scott Aukerman: “If only there was a way to test these batteries. But there's not.”
    [47:20]

• Plumbing Skills:

  • Demonstrates his DIY spirit by handling all plumbing issues himself, much to Scott's chagrin.
    Danny Mahoney: “I do all my own plumbing. Do you understand me? Yes, I do.”
    [44:10]

• Podcasting Aspirations:

  • Danny reveals his foray into podcasting with "Am I the Asshole With Danny Mahoney," where he humorously critiques people's behavior based on internet submissions.
    Danny Mahoney: “I go on the Internet, I find these things. I talk about it. It's easy.”
    [80:38]

Humorous Interactions and Absurd Scenarios

Throughout the episode, Scott, Dr. Blondie, and Danny engage in a series of lighthearted and nonsensical exchanges:

• Hypothetical Trolley Problem with Toilets:

  • They create a parody of the classic moral dilemma by replacing victims with Cadbury Eggs, exploring the absurdity of modern ethical challenges.
    Scott Aukerman: “If you want a Cadbury, give a Cadbury a ride or do you sentence one to death?”
    [19:36]

• Celebrity and Pop Culture References:

  • The trio references various pop culture elements, including Billy Joel's "The Entertainer," Harry Potter's Dementors, and Sanford and Son, blending them seamlessly into their comedic narrative.

• One-World Government and Antichrist Theory:

  • They delve into speculative and humorous discussions about a one-world government leading to the emergence of the Antichrist, showcasing their knack for blending conspiracy theories with comedy.
    Dr. Bill Blondie: “Imagine if it's the far future... And then the Antichrist shows up and everybody's like, what? No, you're from old times.”
    [74:06]

Closing Remarks and Final Jokes

As the episode winds down, Scott attempts to wrap up by plugging various related shows and encouraging listeners to engage with Danny's podcast. The interactions culminate in playful banter about apologies, personality clashes, and the absurdity of their earlier conversations about medicinal cocaine.

• Apologies and Friendship:

  • Scott humorously apologizes to children and Danny for any imaginary transgressions, further highlighting the show's comedic tone.
    Scott Aukerman: “I apologize to any children who I've killed.”
    Danny Mahoney: “I accept your apology.”
    [61:18]

• Final Plugs:

  • The hosts and guests promote their respective ventures, including Danny's "Am I the Asshole" podcast and upcoming shows like "Staying Alive with John Gabris and Adam Pali."
    Dr. Bill Blondie: “Our new show, Staying Alive, features guests like Paul F. Tompkins and Gillian Bell.”
    [102:37]

Notable Quotes

• On Hearing Aids as Luxury Items:
  Dr. Bill Blondie: “They're going to be blinged out, like bejeweled. Yes. Everyone can feel like a rock star for just $50,000.”
  [13:10]

• On Aspirin's Side Effects:
  Dr. Bill Blondie: “Aspirin is causing our young, lonely men to be ambidextrous.”
  [16:26]

• On Life of the Party Business:
  Danny Mahoney: “I come and make myself the life of the party.”
  [41:54]

• On Medicinal Cocaine:
  Dr. Bill Blondie: “Medicinal cocaine. Sure, if you can get it. Get it.”
  [96:02]

Conclusion

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang masterfully weaves together satirical takes on government policies, the humorous plight of a quirky businessman, and a plethora of pop culture references. Through the dynamic interactions between Scott, Dr. Bill Blondie, and Danny Mahoney, listeners are treated to a blend of sharp wit, absurd scenarios, and engaging banter that epitomizes the show's enduring charm.

Whether you're tuning in for the first time or a long-time fan, "Sixteen Toilets And Another Day Older" offers a delightful mix of comedy and commentary, making it a must-listen episode in the podcast's illustrious 15-year journey.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up, up up at the gas pump, the grocery store, rent. But you know what? At Metro they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh, get this. You get a free free 5G phone. All with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply Details at Metro by T Dash Mobile this episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential vary discounts not available in all states and situations. One for the money, Two for the show. Three for the bitcoin. Bro Baby bro. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Prolapsed Famous for that catchphrase submission. Prolapsed Famous. Appreciate it. That one's not going to stick, but thank you so much. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We're in the throes of Augie Doggy, are we not? No one can dispute that. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have an exceptional show for you today. This is the show. It used to be the show where we talk to interesting. It's now humanity's podcast. It may soon become Humanity and the Animal Kingdom's podcast. We're not quite sure about that, but also we've hit upon a new tagline, Comedy Bang Bang. We care. We care and we care about bringing you the best show possible. And to that end, we have booked a great guest who's gonna be with me all show. He's a businessman, so that's very exciting. We're gonna bring him out in just a second and he's got very interesting business. I believe I've spoken to him once or twice before. I can't really recall the details. Sorry.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Is this the. Are you the businessman in question?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, no, no, it's me. Scotty. It's me.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hey, Doctor. Dr. Blondie.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's me, Dr. Bill Blondie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi. So good to see you again.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So, I know. You know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is everything all right?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, everything's. Everything's fine. I'm just coming by because I know you're probably wondering why you haven't seen me in a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I haven't made an appointment. I'm sorry. For the listener. This is my personal physician, Dr. Bill Blondie.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Dr. Bill Blondie.

[Scott Aukerman]

I haven't made an appointment to see you. That's. That's probably why I haven't seen you in a while.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You're probably wondering why you haven't done that, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I. I feel like the last time I saw you, we. We watched the Music man, did we not?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, we did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And that was in.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

In January with that weird little guy who runs the ball shot.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I haven't really felt the need to see you since then because you did your. Your normal checkup while we were watching. We never talked about that. While we were watching the Music man for the Watch along podcast, you were examining me the entire time.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm a little hammer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah, it was so little, too. It was the most little hammer. I. I wonder.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I wonder sometimes if that's why nobody seems to have reflexes anymore. Is because my. I thought there was like, a sort of epidemic of people not being able to jerk their teeth when they get hit with a hammer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But it might be that the hammer's too small.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was an epidemic of you picking the wrong hammer. Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You don't have to turn around on me like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I beg your pardon, Dr. Blondie.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I mean, I'm admitting I'm. It takes big men to admit when they buy a small amber.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big man and a small hammer.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's just what I said.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. So, hey, what about this? Small hammer and a big man.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little new twist.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. In any case, great to see you, Dr. Blondie.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sorry, I've been out of pocket.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. You think you've been out of pocket? Yeah, maybe. You mean out of the office? Oh. Oh.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, I've been. Ooh. And I've also been ooped.

[Danny Mahoney]

Ah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Out of town. Really? Where have you been, Dr. Blondie?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

This is the thing. I feel bad because, you know, you're a patient of mine, and I feel like I've been Derelict in my duty to you because I've taken this other job.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're moonlighting.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, not moonlight. It's full time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this is. Okay, so you're moonlighting as a doctor.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, I'm not.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just quit being a doctor.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I quit being a doctor, but I'm still working in the health services.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What. What are you doing, if you don't mind me asking? I know this is none of my business.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's any. Well, I came here to tell you to make your business okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I appreciate that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, well, you're welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

And business is good.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I came here to make this your business, and business is good.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. So what. What exactly are you doing with your. You can't even call it spare time. You're the majority of your time.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

This is my job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And it's 24 hours a day, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

24 hours a day.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, yeah, honey, they got me. They're running me ragged.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you paid by the hour?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, I'm on a salary. Damn. Yeah. It's a good salary, though. It's government work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Coming from work. What'd you say?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's government work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, government work. I was gonna say if your salary comes from work, that's the way to do it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a perfect opportunity for you to get paid.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's coming from work. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's government work.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's government work. It's coming from work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so what are you doing for the government these days?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm working for. I'm working for the Attorney General of the United States.

[Scott Aukerman]

The ag.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, not the Attorney General. What's. What's Surgeon General?

[Scott Aukerman]

Surgeon. Oh, okay. Totally different. The sg.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're working for. What's his name? Cheryl Hines. His husband, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. You're working for him.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, he's not the Surgeon General. He is the. Oh, he's the charge of the health.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So who's the Surgeon General? Is it still that Coop guy? That guy had the funniest beard. Yeah. Is he still around? He's still in the Coop. I would love it. He would always be like, welcome to the Coop.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I think he is. I think he's flown. Said Coop. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I'm going to look it up.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm just going by my reaction to that reference.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, it is. It is interesting when a guy who's in charge of health passes away because it's like you couldn't see that coming he passed away 12 years ago.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rest in peace, King Coop.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, rest in piss, I say, because.

[Danny Mahoney]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

There's a new sheriff at town.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rest in piss to see. This is.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It deserves to be said.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's huge.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And I don't care if his family's listening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

I pray they are not listening, you weird.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Dr. Dement, don't look at. Son of a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on. He wasn't wearing the top hat as far as I know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What's to stop him?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did he ever wore a top hat? And then people were like, look, you're coming off. You're giving Dr. Demento.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I can almost guarantee that happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's gotta sting, though. See, Everett Coop, who's in charge of health, dies before Dr. Demento.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, talk about Demento.

[Scott Aukerman]

I heard Dr. Demento. His real name is Dr. Dementor. Like the Dementors in Harry Potter.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he just dropped the R at Ellis Island.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Hey, you know what? He dropped it. He came here as a fetus and then said, look, just. Let's just make it nice and clean. Demento. What if we never heard the words Harry Potter again?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would be fine with that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'd be fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

The boy who lived, you mean?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. Okay, here's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's some old Scarface.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Here's the words I. I'm good to not hear for. I'm gonna say a calendar year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Walton Goggins.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about his Goggins Goggles?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I don't want to hear about it. Sydney Sweeney.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Rule of two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's move on to some other more deserving people, you know, move on to.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Like, just saying their names a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are we saying?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Move on to other people having their name said too much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have friends who deserve to be more well known in show business. It's like, Walton Goggins cut someone. Someone in on this fame.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Let them wet their beak.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. In any case, what are you doing for the government from the surgeon General himself or herself?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I am. We'll never know. I am. I'm in charge of. I'm on the committee that decides what we're going to do and what we're not going to do anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, As a. As a country, or is this legislatively? Yeah, okay, so what?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's like, what. Okay, so like, you know, the cut. We're cutting cancer research.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I read that the other day.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But Fruit Loops will be healthier now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because of the color dyes. That's going to be Different?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I don't know that that's an equitable trade to me, you know, Are you in the business? The business of what? Froot Loops or cancer?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Any of them. Any of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Business is bad. I'm not in these. I'm. I'm merely.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Maybe you should shut your mouth, then.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I. I mean.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, you're attacking my job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, you're right. You don't come to my job and show up on Mike unannounced. Oh, wait, no. You did the same thing. Would you mind if I came to your job?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm not telling you how to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just started to.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You could drop by. Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

And. Okay. It'd be fun.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'll show you around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I would love that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's all beanbag chairs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's fun there.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds fun. Do you have air hockey tables?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

We have 14 air hockey tables.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's too many. Although I guess if there's 28 people who want to play.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

14 air hockey tables and 15 rooms.

[Scott Aukerman]

15? What's the. What's in the 15th room? Or are they all in one room?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's a conference room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That means yes. There's an air hockey table in the bathroom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Didn't the English beat sing about that?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I don't know. Refresh my memory.

[Scott Aukerman]

Air hockey table in the bathroom.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Let's sing it, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

I kind of just tried.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, I didn't realize.

[Scott Aukerman]

Table in the bathroom. So. So, yeah, I just don't. I don't think I would trade people, you know, a cure for cancer for getting slightly different colors.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, the great news is you don't have to choose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Sorry, guys.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Decided. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? I mean, what. What was that all about? Why did you guys choose that?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, it was. Okay, so Bobby lays it all out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. This is Robert.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sorry, excuse me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Robert of Kennedy F. Kennedy Jr. RFK.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

RFKG.

[Scott Aukerman]

RFKJ. RFKJ. RFKj. RFK. Juror. Maybe put the R&JUNIOR there. No, that's how you normally.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

We don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Junior.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

We don't do. But no, you shortened. Not when you say it, though. When you write it. When you write it, don't spray it. So. Come on. That's. Medically. Medically, I could tell you, spraying it, it's a terrible idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you're. I. I would imagine that you don't believe in masks or.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I mean, I know that they exist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So I believe that's half the battle. So I believe in masks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. So what else is happening? With the government. What else are you guys like? What's coming down the pike?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, you know, Hearing aids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah. Love them.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

The things you have to pay money for if you want to hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. Are they going to be free now? Oh, this is great.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Not exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. What are you doing with hearing aids?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Hearing aids are now going to be what we consider a health luxury item.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so. Meaning they're going to be more expensive.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're going to be more expensive and not covered by insurance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But they're going to look great.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are they going to look like?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're going to be blinged out, like, bejeweled. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're going to be dazzled.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Here's the thing. Everyone loves when they see singers wearing those monitors in ear monitors and they customize them, you know what I mean? When they put little jewels on them and stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's what hearing aids are going to be like. Now everybody can feel like a rock star for just $50,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

$50,000 for a hearing aid?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

For an hearing aid.

[Scott Aukerman]

For. Meaning just one side?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

One ear.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. Some people only have one better, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guess, but 100 it's wonderful life. Sure. Is that your favorite movie?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I wouldn't say favorite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, what's your favorite movie of all time?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Jewel of the Nile.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jewel of the Nile? The Agatha Christie?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, that's Death on the Nile.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. What is Jewel of the Night with.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Enough champagne to fill the Nile. Gag it out. Jewel of the Nile is the sequel to romance.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great quote.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Jewel of the Nile. Jewel of the Nile is the sequel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Romance to Romancing the Stone. That's right.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. Do you like Romancing the Stone?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No. And then children. I only got it right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Finally got it right. All right, well, I'll take your word for it. Scott hasn't seen. You should come do Scott hasn't seen about Jewel of the Nile with me.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What Scott hasn't seen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Show some other podcast. Look, you love dropping by.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Thanks for the invitation.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, it just seems to me like you're making everything worse, Dr. Blondie. I, I.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You haven't even heard what the trade off is.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's. Oh, there's a trade off for making things more expensive.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. What is it?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Popcorn doesn't get stuck in your teeth anymore. No more husks in your throat. You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

No more husks, please.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

English beat.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this is a parody of a song from into the woods by Sondheim.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Did he just go by one name? Sondheim.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I've never been able to figure that out. Was he a mononym or not? I really don't know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He could have gotten away with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

He could have. Out of anyone I know. Yeah, he could have.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Who can't you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I think I. I mean, I guess. I guess you could do it with your last name. It's a very special person who can do it with their first name. Madonna, Beyonce, Cher.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I think if you have a name that's a little bit unusual, as opposed to, like, Beth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, there's nobody.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You can't say Beth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which bet. Wait, which Beth were you talking about?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I see. You prove my point.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I am proving your point right now. But I guess that trade. Hearing aids, more expensive popcorn in the teeth, affects a lot more people than hearing aids.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's exactly. That's exactly right.

[Scott Aukerman]

This one's. Okay. I'll give this one also.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It'll also have the side effect of revitalizing the movie industry. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, that's very important to me, you know aspirin? Sure. I've.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. Did you know it's poison?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's poisonous. I had no idea.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Aspirin is causing our young men.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are going through a loneliness epidemic right now.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Young, lonely men. It is causing them to be ambidextrous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't that a good thing, to be ambidextrous?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I mean, why would that be good?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you watch baseball and I watch baseball. So the hitters who were able to kind of switch sides or, you know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They used to be illegal.

[Scott Aukerman]

It used to be illegal.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You couldn't do that, but you could.

[Scott Aukerman]

Arrest people for doing it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, it was. It was a baseball rule that they. The commissioner of baseball extended to the city and said, if you catch one of these guys doing it, I want you to march right on the field, slap them in cuffs.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many people went to jail for this? Three years.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Three. Three people stopped doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And then when that commissioner died, what happened? They changed all this.

[Scott Aukerman]

They changed everything. That's when the. The pitch clock.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It was Tennessee Mountain landis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tennessee mountain land is. Did he see every coupe die in the same plane crash or.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, they were. They were many years apart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Got it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Might not. Might not be Tennessee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tennessee. That's the development. That's right. That one you knew.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's right. So Jeffrey Tambor yelling at everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I. I mean, that one.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So no more Aspirin.

[Scott Aukerman]

No more ask.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You're welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, look, the thing about aspirin, I. I've always wondered is they're always like, take two aspirin, why don't you make it one aspirin? Just make it slightly bigger. Idiots. Like, if aspirin's so great, why do I have to take two?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Honey, do you know what you're saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Because you could take one aspirin for something that's not as severe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. But they, they never say like, oh, just take one. They're always like, yeah, because you need to. Yeah, you always need two. You just make it one.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You don't always need to.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think we're saying the same thing. You always need to, is what we're saying.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm. You know that I'm saying the exact opposite.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think we're agreeing on this.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sweetheart, you do this to me all the time. All right, so no more aspirin.

[Scott Aukerman]

No more aspirin. But what's the truth?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And now everybody will be the right handed or left handed. That's the way nature works.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so what is the trade off though, for this?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You're gonna love this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I hope so, because so far I've hated one of them and I've thought one was okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You know, Rolos.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rolos. The. I don't even want to say circular candy, but I guess they're circular.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Cylindrical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cylindrical, yes. Circular. If you're looking down on them and they appear to be two dimensional. Yeah, yeah. The.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're going to be slightly slimmer at the top, which will be a great boon to health because you're eating less Rolo. But it's not so much less that you're not getting the satisfaction of a Rolo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are they going to be sort of Hershey's Kisses shaped in nature?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're going to look like regular. You would have to really. You'd have to get an old Rollo and a new Rolo together. Look at them under a microscope to see the difference.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like the Cadbury egg issue. Like those are getting started.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

This is the logic problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. So you're on a trolley and it can stop and pick up a Cadbury Egg.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you want.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you. To stop, one person will be thrown from the trolley.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's right. And land on a big Cadbury Egg.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. So do you do it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So it's. Do you give a Cadbury a ride or do you sentence one to death?

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

By throwing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's one of the moral conundrums of our age.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So this is going to improve the health of our young fat children and. And our fat adults.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I mean, they're eating.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're eating less Rolo, and that's a victory for health. That's how we say it when we. When we passed out one of these righteous rulings, Ma.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Make America healthy again. I don't know the last time I've eaten a rolo.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So you're out of the game, then.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would imagine if it's someone's favorite candied snack.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It was my late father's favorite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He was never talked about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Are you gonna say. Who was he?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, I would imagine his name was Blondie.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

His name was Blondie?

[Scott Aukerman]

He wasn't the Blondie that the comic strip was based on.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, that's a woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But, I mean, they could have gender switched the roles. You know, it's very common.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I never thought about it, but maybe they did.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, Cynthia. Cynthia just was Jesus and Jesus Christ Superstar at the Hollywood Bowl.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

She's a wonderful show. Wonderful show.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been forced to talk about it on three different podcasts this week, and this is making a fourth she.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Who's forcing you to talk about this?

[Scott Aukerman]

The people who bring it up.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Why? Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

What, am I gonna just sit there silently while the other host of horror, or host of the actual podcast I'm on talks about it? You.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You seem upset by this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm very upset.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Do you not like talking?

[Scott Aukerman]

Curious.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You don't like talking about this show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Once was fine. Second was. Okay, what was the.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What was the issue? Same conversation every time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it was three different people who had been there at this thing that I didn't get to go to. I. You know, I'm a friend of Andrew Lloyd Webber's. Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. I don't know if I've told you that before, but he's a pal of mine, and I did, and he was there on Sunday, and he didn't even invite me, so I'm a little sore about it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm sure. I bet if that guy showed up here right now, you'd be so furious.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I would. If you were here right now, I'd give them. You'd have a piece of my mind.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Choice words, and I don't have a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lot of pieces left.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, that is true. Because you drink out of the cans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. You've examined me. You did an MRI on my brain.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, I built that machine, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you really? You did A good job with it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're so expensive. And I said, I bet I could put it together. Give me the. Give me the kit.

[Scott Aukerman]

It looked like a cardboard box. And honestly, the results look like a crayon drop.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Like, 1, 2. I like the cardboard smell, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I love Relaxes people.

[Scott Aukerman]

It does. It does.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You feel like you're in a fort. You're not getting an mri.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's. It's almost like they should. They should give that to people instead of the anesthesia, you know?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And then. Did you like the clanging? I did that myself.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. Yeah. Oh, was that with pots and pans or something?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It was. I was doing. Yeah. I was acting like the guy from what you call Andor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, there's a lot of guys in Andor. I'm. Oh, okay. If you.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I mean, if you can't divide from that. What. Which guy? I'm talking about Scotty. You got some problems. Stop drinking out of cans and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or himself.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You know, I will watch that show. A lot of times I'd forget that was the guy's name, and I would think it was where they were from, and then they would call him Andrew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's right. He's.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's had. Or not the. Not the. The ground they're walking on.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Also, my third watch through, I figured out what Forest Booker's whole deal is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good. Good for you.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

First couple times, I was like, I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've done a third watch. I've done one watch of third watch.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Third watch again.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's that show about the firefighters, I think. I've never been able to figure it out. EMTs, maybe. I have no idea.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You know, hospitals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

We are boiling it down because there's so much waste in hospitals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

These greedy doctors.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. It seems like there's not enough money.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're forcing these poor insurance people to raise the rates and premiums.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so what are you doing with.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Because they're asking for so much money.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I think they deserve it with all the. You know, I've watched 15 seasons of VR recently, and they have to sleep there in the hospital sometimes. And, I mean, why did you.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Why did you do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm worried about you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's trying to. Trying to.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Now look what's happening. I've been away for so long, and now you're going absolutely to pieces.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I honestly. I should have checked with you before I started this. Dr. Blondie, do you think this is the right thing to do. And you would have told me, no.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I would have said, darling, don't do this. Don't watch 15 seasons of VR. Don't watch one. It's time has passed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I enjoyed eight in any case. So what is. What are they doing to hospitals?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

We're making it one big hospital, okay? And it's on top of a mountain.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

There's enough room for tons of people.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But you have to get there yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you can't be airlifted there. You can't be helicoptered in.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, no, no. If you. If you are able to make it to the hospital, treatment is free.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But you have to start at the bottom of the mountain.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is sort of like Batman trying to learn martial arts kind of thing. If you can make it up there to the mountain where Race al Ghul lives, then you're allowed to study martial arts. I guess. Or maybe he. I don't know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Maybe I would just go to a class in town.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I know. Like one of those karate classes. Yeah, they're all in the valley.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, they're all of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But he. He decided to go to the top of a mountain for some reason to do it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a weird guy.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

This is better. This is not about martial arts. This is about getting healthy. And if you can make.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't sound healthy.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I feel great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you really? I mean, you can barely speak.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You seem exhausted now that Skittles are no longer a death sentence. I've been eating exclusively Skittles all day long.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should not be doing that. And by the way, they're healthy now. I don't think they've even changed the diet yet, so.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Are you sure about that?

[Scott Aukerman]

They can't do it that quick.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Are you sure about that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm pretty sure.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay. Here's why it's hard for me to tell, okay? It's because they have these jars and bowls and dishes of candy all over the place.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're at the surgeon general's office.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're everywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, just everywhere in life.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, everywhere in life. Everywhere you go, there's like a dish of Skittles.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not sure.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Everywhere you go, it's like a bowl of Milky Way midnights.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I can't necessarily co sign on this because I'm not experienced.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay, we'll open your eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So they're out there because, you know, we're making these announcements and so we always have to have a picture of the thing that we say. Now this is good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And so I can't. I'm. They're not always good with the labeling of what is pre.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pre food coloring change. Post food coloring change.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Exactly. Yeah. And it doesn't help that both pre and post start with a piece. So even when they label it with just the initials.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also with something like Raisin Bran or what have you, one of those cereals, they're made by post. So that. That's confusing already.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, that's confusing already.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because you see post right there on the box, right? And you're like, oh, this must be.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Post, the change in bran. Yeah. Like post punk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. Can you imagine what raisin bread used to taste like?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is like the norm MacDonald better.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Than Esme Joe in a post raisin bread style.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ezra must really.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So rip, rip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Norm rip. Did he die with C. Everett Coupe? Was he on the same plane crash the day the. The humor died?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

How did we get there?

[Scott Aukerman]

I just wonder. These things come in threes, you know what I mean?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So do you think that when he's talking about the day the music died on McLean, is he including the Big Bopper in that?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the thing. Big Bopper. That was the best thing to ever happen in his career. No one would.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, I would. I would ever be talking, I would argue the invention of the telephone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because he says, hello, baby.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. So the whole. The whole song Chantilly Lace is a phone conversation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think. You know how when they. When what? When they invented the telephone. The. The very first thing that was ever said on the telephone was ahoy. Because no one knew, like, oh, you're supposed to say hello or whatever. And so they said ahoy. What if they'd had the foresight to be like, hello, baby.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Can you imagine?

[Scott Aukerman]

On the very first telephone.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's a real marvel's what if.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I. I like that. We eventually decided the way to head to the phone is to say hello in a very scared way. Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello. Who would ever call a person like me? We got to get past this hello. Right. This whole business.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Post hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Also these days I saw post hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you really? He's gone country now.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He's gone country and his tattoos have started to. They started to connect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. Oh, thank God.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But people think he's a werewolf.

[Scott Aukerman]

People think postalo.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They think post hello is a mid transformation werewolf.

[Scott Aukerman]

He might be. We might be catching him in the middle of a lunar cycle or something like that. Every single Time he performs? I have no idea. Maybe that's why he did Coachella this year is because he looked at the days, was like, oh, good, it's right in the middle. I couldn't do it the last couple of years because the full moon wouldn't be out.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So you. You noted what the lunar schedule was when you were looking at Coachella.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, this makes sense.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's Coachella. Nighttime or daytime?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's both. I think it also occurs at sunset, but I don't believe it occurs.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Why would you do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Although the people who are. Are camping there, Would you ever camp to go to. Would you ever even camp?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Camping is the worst thing you can do from a health perspective. Yeah, it's the absolute worst thing you can do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it because the. You're sleeping on the ground essentially, or.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, it sucks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's terrible.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It sucks. Puts you in a bad mood, leads you to make bad choices. Now you're most.

[Scott Aukerman]

Most camped die within 48 hours.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And then there's. If they can't find you within that 48 hours. So they could do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they just give up.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, Dr. Blondie, this is all fascinating stuff.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, would you like to stick around? Because we have a. I'm talking to a businessman on the show today.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'd love to hear about business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? I love it because you had your own business for a while. You were a private practitioner.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so you must know about things.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Like, I would hate when people like a dame would come into my office. I think my husband's got cancer. I need you to shadow him. Find out.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what you would.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's the life of a problem. Life of a private practitioner. Yeah. I would always say, look, honey, you don't want me to do this. Talk to your husband, figure it out, but don't. You're not going to like what you find out.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then how often would the person actually have cancer?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

100.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how would you find it out? You'd like, take pictures of other doctors offices and lab results.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Sounds like a fascinating job. In any case, we have a businessman coming up after the break, and we're going to be talking to him for the rest of the show. But I would love it if you were to stick around.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Would you really?

[Scott Aukerman]

I really would. Then I value your insights and your wise counsel.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's the first time I'm hearing this. Thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. We're gonna come right back. When we come back, we'll have a businessman here and Dr. Bill Blondie will be sticking around.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm Dr. Bill Blondie.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And we'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this. Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up, up, up at the gas pump, the grocery store rent. But you know what? At Metro, they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh, get this. You get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available. If currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network Talk, text and 5G data for for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply. [e-mail] oh man, is it easy. How your day can get hijacked by doing tedious tasks. The time disappears, right? Leaving little time to focus on what you love to do and what you do best, right? Are you in meetings? That could have been an email. Do you say to your to your partner, hey, I'm going to go do a quick errand and then you're gone for three weeks. Well, anyway, if you're a realtor, a lawyer, accountant, or really any profession that requires a lot of mailing or shipping, you don't have time to be a postage expert or stand in line to drop off letters and packages. Well, for more than 28 years, Stamps.com has been doing more than just small business mailings. Stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever, automatically. See your cheapest and fastest shipping options from different carriers. All you need is a computer and a printer. They even check this out, send you a free scale. Now, We've been using stamps.com around these parts from the beginning. They're one of our first sponsors ever. We love them. How does stamps.com provide flexibility? Well, you know, we're not sitting around going like, all right, how, how much do you think this thing cost to mail and then putting on 29 stamps on it. We never have to do that anymore. It's exact to the penny. Don't waste time worrying about being a postage expert or standing in line to drop off letters and packages. Let stamps.com do what they do best so you can do what you do better. Go to stamps.com and use code Bang Bang to sign up for a special offer. No contract. Cancel any time. That is stamps.com code bang bang. If everybody had a surfboard. I don't know how that song goes, but gosh, isn't it bittersweet that summer is winding down? But you know, there is something nice about getting back into the routines that fall brings. You know, as summer winds down, you can get back into whatever routines your little minds are part of.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Free and easy. No more huge delivery fees for furniture. Get big stuff like sofas, dining tables, beds, desks. Oh, all of it is shipped free. Let me tell you what we got at Wayfair. Recently. The. The fine folks at Wayfair were very nice to give us a gift certificate and I gave it over to cool up. Looks like we got a three piece lighted Christmas deer set, outdoor yard decoration. So summer really is over, apparently, because we're buying Christmas decorations. But not just Christmas decorations. We got a skeleton that you can pose to sit on. Stuff the pose and stay skeleton. All right. We also got a rabbit sitting with a ladybug. Okay, a little less macabre. Look, apparently we're stocking up on everything we need for this fall and this winter's holidays. You could do it too. Get organized, refreshed, and back to routine. For way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home, that is. W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair. You know how to spell it? Wayfair. Every style, every home comedy. Bang bang. We're back here. Did I say my name is Scott Aukerman? I have no idea if I did that in the opening part of the show, but that's who's talking right now. And to my left, at my left hand. Not my right hand man, but certainly my left hand. Man. My personal physician, Dr. Bill Blondie, is here. Although I assume you're not my physician any longer.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I think that I still am.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd love it if you would take me on.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Come to Washington if you need anything. If you need two aspirin, if you need. I, I now, I. I have a stash of half aspirins that I use.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, I can dispense that to people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, I'd love that. Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So we'll. I'll still see you for my checkups. I just have to go to Washington.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, by the way, baby aspirin. St. Joseph's baby aspirin tastes so good. Now it's just candy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's great.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. We stopped pretending that it's aspirin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. It's delicious, though, isn't it? I would eat those by the hand.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

God, I love it. It's my favorite movie snack.

[Scott Aukerman]

I poured my popcorn sometimes, so you get the sweet and the savory right next to each other. So good. All right, we need to get to our next guest. He's a businessman, I believe I've spoken to. I think he's been on the show one time before.

[Danny Mahoney]

Coming on the show one time before.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I, I'm sorry. Have you? I bet.

[Danny Mahoney]

I. I was the first guest ever on this show. The first one of all time, in 2009. Number one.

[Scott Aukerman]

The first show you ever did, I don't believe so. I believe that was Rob Hubel and Tom Lennon.

[Danny Mahoney]

Nobody would go on this show.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Are you singing right now?

[Danny Mahoney]

I beg your pardon?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It sounded like you were singing for a second.

[Danny Mahoney]

Nobody would go on this show. But it's true, nobody would because you don't cross cars. But I was the first one to say, I will go on this show. And after that, people said, well, hey, if Danny says he's okay. Because I said, I like this kid, right? And if Danny says he's okay, people could come. And that's what started the whole fucking thing. And now he's sitting here 19 years later.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think 20, 30 years later.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sorry about trying to tell me.

[Danny Mahoney]

I think maybe we've had this guy on one time, but. Fucking ridiculous.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, but please welcome Danny Mahoney for the second time. I guess you didn't even welcome me.

[Danny Mahoney]

Even say my name before I started talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

You kind of interrupted everything.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's fucking insulting. Say my name before I start talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Look, it's not a race to say your name before you start Talking? Because I.

[Danny Mahoney]

Apparently not.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't expect you to start talking. Honestly, it was a little rude.

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, I didn't expect you to not say my name.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Scott. Just be a man and apologize.

[Danny Mahoney]

Just be a man and apologize. Why is this so difficult?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think it's a manly trait to, to apologize. It's a humanistic. Honey, perhaps, but honey.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Honey. Just be a man and apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, Danny is your name.

[Danny Mahoney]

Why is that a question? Why are you putting a question on?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I don't know you.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm the first guest you ever had, and I've been here 30, 40 times since then. I'm a staple of this show. What would this show be without me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I, I, I don't know. Let's find out. Do you want to leave or what? Why would I leave?

[Danny Mahoney]

Come all the way down here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, where are you from?

[Danny Mahoney]

All the way down here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where are you from? It's taken you such a long time to come way down here.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm living in Torrance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, that. I apologize then. I'm sorry. I, I didn't know you were coming in from Torrance. I would have done a little more research as to who you were, but you, you, you are a businessman, is that right?

[Danny Mahoney]

Of course I'm a businessman. Businessman. Businessman, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would you describe to the. The fine folks out there who have perhaps never heard one of your, I guess, one or two appearances on this show? Oh, what kind of business you're in?

[Danny Mahoney]

Danny Mahoney. This show, for a while, wasn't it called Comedy Bang Bang with Scott Alkerman and Danny Mahoney?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so. It was. I understand where the confusion lies. It used to be called Comedy Death Ray.

[Danny Mahoney]

There you go. That's the problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, yeah, we changed it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

There was a D in death, and there's a D and Danny.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point.

[Danny Mahoney]

There you go. You know my name. My grandfather shortened it at Ellis island from Omahoney Dance down to Mahoney.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So you're an Irish gentleman, is that right?

[Danny Mahoney]

There was an opportunity at Ellis Island. If anybody wanted to amend their name, this was the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they were going around saying, like, you, you can chop off one letter on either end.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's the thing. People look back at that time and they think it's racist and it's. It's. What it was was you had a chance. Not everybody likes their name.

[Danny Mahoney]

Right.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And now you have a chance. And legally, you don't even have to fill about a bunch of paperwork.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, they just rubber stamped it, right?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, that's right. They stamp for every name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Every possible name.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Every possible name. A bunch of monkeys came up with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

They accidentally typed Shakespeare at one point.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I think one monkey was trying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I. I think he sort of had a copy of Shakespeare's next to the typewriter.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Guys, we could get this done in so much less time if we all try our best.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kind of monkeys were those.

[Danny Mahoney]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What? What kind of monkeys were they?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reese's.

[Danny Mahoney]

Reese's.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Max, It's. It's pronounced Reese's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reese's. I'm sorry. Reese's Monkeys. Tell me what your business is, Rees M. What you.

[Danny Mahoney]

I. First of all, I have a new thing I'm doing, but I'll tell you what, the original. Because I'm still doing that. Life of the party, Incorporated. It's very simple. You call me up, you're having a party. Doesn't matter what kind of party is. You call me up and I come and I make myself the life of the party. And then yet, party is a fun party. A lot of people's parties are not fun because there's nobody there that knows how to be fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

I show up, I got a boombox.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm wearing dance pants. I'm in terrific shape, the best shape of my life. And we have this.

[Scott Aukerman]

The best shape of your life right now.

[Danny Mahoney]

This is the. Well, you act surprised about that shape of my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. I guess. I just.

[Danny Mahoney]

You're a doctor, aren't you?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Doctor, I think you look terrific.

[Danny Mahoney]

Terrific. See that?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What do you do, push ups?

[Danny Mahoney]

Nope.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No. You kidding me?

[Danny Mahoney]

I don't do one.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Never push ups.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never done a push up.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What are you, the pull ups?

[Danny Mahoney]

No, I don't.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You got to be kidding me.

[Danny Mahoney]

Nope.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Wind sprints.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'd never done a wind sprint. I don't even know what one is.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Suicides, huh?

[Danny Mahoney]

No. Well, yes, I have attempted suicide multiple times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Now I started remembering you.

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, I walked into the ocean with the heaviest coat commercially available.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. You went down to the mall. That's correct. And you were. And you asked the. I guess the salesperson, what is the heaviest coat you have?

[Danny Mahoney]

Which, by the way, I'm going to tell you now. Been through a lot of therapy. Better help. Been through a lot of therapy. Now, I understand that was a cry for help, but it did not get received. When you. If somebody. Look, if you work at a coat store and somebody comes in and they says, give me the heaviest coat you have, that's a cry for help.

[Scott Aukerman]

That should be. Legally, you should have to report that to the mandatory.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, I mean, the problem is, I think they probably interpret it as, you want to not be cold.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that. That may have been an issue with you.

[Danny Mahoney]

Who doesn't want to be cold?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I think you got to say that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

The whole code industry would disagree, I think.

[Danny Mahoney]

Who's walking around going, I don't want to be cold?

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone who's doing that at points in their life, certainly. So you. By the way, you're stripped to the waist right now.

[Danny Mahoney]

You bet I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wanted to mention so. So you'd never get cold. You're. You're. Do you ever wear a shirt?

[Danny Mahoney]

Of course I get cold, but I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don'T walk around going, oh, I don't.

[Danny Mahoney]

Want to be cold anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

When it comes, you're ready for it, you're welcome.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's brace, brace. And give it to the cold plunge.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yeah, I've done a cold plunge. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's a really good plunge mean to you?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's good to shock your system.

[Danny Mahoney]

A cold plunge is when you don't have the heat on and your toilet gets stopped up, and you gotta go in there and it's cold. 68 degrees sometimes. Plunge that toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Great. All right, all right.

[Danny Mahoney]

Hey. I do all my own plumbing. Do you understand me? Yes, I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Because that can be expensive to call someone in, and you're expensive and stupid.

[Danny Mahoney]

And a waste of time and money. I could do all my own plumbing.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Might as well be MRI machine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Why don't you just become a plumber instead of this business, the life of the party?

[Danny Mahoney]

Because this business is a great business, and I'm uniquely qualified to do it, and it's my calling in life. But I have a toilet in every room in my house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every room.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yes, I do, my friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

So the living room. Toilet.

[Danny Mahoney]

Toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

The family room. Dining room. Kitchen.

[Danny Mahoney]

Dining room. Which one? Which one do you want to hear about?

[Scott Aukerman]

Both, I guess.

[Danny Mahoney]

Dining room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Danny Mahoney]

Toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kitchen.

[Danny Mahoney]

Toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where's the. Where's the toilet? In the closet. Closet.

[Danny Mahoney]

Closet is not a room, my friend.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You passed my test.

[Scott Aukerman]

Always.

[Danny Mahoney]

Hallways are not rooms.

[Scott Aukerman]

But do you have a toilet in them?

[Danny Mahoney]

I have one. Toilet at the end of the hallway.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

At the end.

[Danny Mahoney]

Air hockey room. Toilet. Here's a surprise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bathroom.

[Danny Mahoney]

Toilet. Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huge surprise.

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, you might have thought, I don't need one in the bathroom. I could free that space up for other things since I got them all over the rest of the house. True, but sometimes you're in the bathroom and you got to use the toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point that's happened.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What was this born out of? Why did you go so toilet conscious?

[Danny Mahoney]

Because I said to myself, I know how to put in a toilet. I know where to get a lot of toilets for nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so you had a line on.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Toilets and once you pop, you can't stop.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's exactly right. And who wants to say, I'm sitting here, I'm happy, I got to go to the toilet, I got to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? I got to walk across. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

If you don't have to. If you have to, that's fine. If you don't have to, like you know how to put in a toilet and you know where one is.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Danny Mahoney]

You don't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, this makes sense to me.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So you. So you're uniquely qualified to do this business life of the party. You bring a boombox. As I recall, you also had a pillowcase full of batteries just to make sure.

[Danny Mahoney]

What an. I got a gym bag full of batteries. You. Who would put them in a goddamn pillowcase?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And these can't walk around with a pillowcase. You can't walk around with a pillowcase unless you're at the airport like a freak.

[Scott Aukerman]

And these are all different.

[Danny Mahoney]

Want to know what? Are you trick or treating in the 70s?

[Scott Aukerman]

These are different.

[Danny Mahoney]

Before, they had the plastic buckets that look like pumpkins.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

All the plastic went into the mask that you couldn't see through.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And these are all different sizes.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

We're all in our 50s, right?

[Danny Mahoney]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, have you seen the Dread Zeppelin doggy battery?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Of course I have.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about you, Danny?

[Danny Mahoney]

Dread Zeppelin documentary. I practically financed it.

[Scott Aukerman]

A Song of Hope.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we're all in our 50s, then. So these are different size batteries? Some of them.

[Danny Mahoney]

Why would they be different? My boombox takes 16.

[Scott Aukerman]

So these are all D batteries in your gym bag?

[Danny Mahoney]

A gym bag full of deep batteries.

[Scott Aukerman]

But anytime one of them doesn't work, you toss it back in the bag. As I.

[Danny Mahoney]

Not anytime, but too many times.

[Scott Aukerman]

If only there was a way to test these batteries. But.

[Danny Mahoney]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but there's not.

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, the problem.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

The problem is the only test is when it starts to get all crusty and bleeding. Yeah, when you got one of those batteries.

[Danny Mahoney]

If I got a corroded battery in my gym bag.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, corroded. That's out.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's out.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That one definitely gets out.

[Danny Mahoney]

It's out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but not until then.

[Danny Mahoney]

For the. Until Then I don't know for sure. It takes so long. If I could just get 16. If I could get 16 batteries that I knew were bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Danny Mahoney]

Because that's what I think I have in that bag full of 50, 60 batteries.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Right.

[Danny Mahoney]

I would pull them all out.

[Scott Aukerman]

But there's no way to test it because your boombox takes 16 of them.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if you were to take out one of these batteries, who knows if the other 15 even works? So there's no way to. To. It's. It's like trying to figure out a 16 number combination.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

The only way to do it is to keep doing endless combinations of 16 batteries.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I.

[Danny Mahoney]

As far as I know, I. This, it's one of the banes of my entire fucking thing. I can't get this. I can't figure this out.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Take control of your batteries.

[Danny Mahoney]

I can't take control. Well, but I. The only solution. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's doing a Bane impression. Bane from the Dark Knight Returns.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, I've seen that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sometimes, sometimes I get an email from FedEx. Yeah. If I'm getting like a package that's coming and it'll say in the. Always in the email says, take control of your delivery. And I always think of Bain like Bain's working at FedEx. What a control of your delivery?

[Danny Mahoney]

Is that what he said?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He said take control of your city.

[Danny Mahoney]

He said that to who?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He said that? The Batman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Batman himself.

[Danny Mahoney]

It's not Batman City. He just lives there. He's just a citizen of the city.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. This is where the plot sort of falls apart.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He sort of self deputized him as a guardian of Gotham.

[Danny Mahoney]

Who self deputy. What?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Batman. Batman. He self deputized himself as a guardian of Gotham.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah. What are we gonna do?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm pretty sure it's got ham. Like got milk but ham.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I heard you the first time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I'm telling you this though for the second time and I'm not listening to you.

[Danny Mahoney]

You want to know if I have ham?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have ham?

[Danny Mahoney]

Why not? I don't have. I don't like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ham's great.

[Danny Mahoney]

At a party if there's ham, that's fine. I don't carry it around with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's. If I were to hire you to Sprite spruce up my party, you would not bring a ham?

[Danny Mahoney]

Not unless they asked to bring a ham. I'll bring a ham. You want me to bring a ham, I'll bring a hand.

[Scott Aukerman]

So upon request, you will bring a ham.

[Danny Mahoney]

I. What I normally like to bring is a tray of turkey Legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like if you run a straight or something.

[Danny Mahoney]

I. I didn't get them from there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would you bring both?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

How many legs on the tray?

[Danny Mahoney]

How many legs on the tray? Geez. You know what? I never counted. Let me see. Because you got. You put them fat into thin. You know what I'm saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

Fat into thin. Scott.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Scott. I'm hoping it's 16.

[Scott Aukerman]

You hope it's how many?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sixteen. Same number of batteries?

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yeah. Eight, nine. Well, in a full tray.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, we're talking full tray.

[Danny Mahoney]

16 turkey legs.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I love this.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is great. I mean, your. Your life seems to revolve around the number 16.

[Danny Mahoney]

Why do you say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you. There's 16 batteries in your two things.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Makes a pattern.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

There are no coincidences.

[Danny Mahoney]

Guys. I wish you hadn't pointed that out to me, because now the chances that I'm going to accidentally put a turkey leg in my boombox have gone up like 100.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, not there.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it is going to happen.

[Danny Mahoney]

No, but it was zero before, and now it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

If something has a 100% chance of happening, it's going to happen.

[Danny Mahoney]

It doesn't have a 100% chance of happening. The chance of it happening went up 100%.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's now 99%. Is that what you're saying?

[Danny Mahoney]

I don't know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Could be 2%.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

Or one up from zero.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, if it's 0%, it goes up 100%, then it's still at 0%.

[Danny Mahoney]

Depends what percent of percent.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But, honey, that's. That's. That's math talk. But we're talking about the feel.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. I'm talking about emotional.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

When you talk about how things feel, one is twice the amount of zero.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a good point.

[Danny Mahoney]

Of course it is. That makes perfect sense to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course it does. Well, in any case, thanks for dropping by. It's been great to see you.

[Danny Mahoney]

Do you imagine that I'm leaving now? That sounds like you're saying that I'm leaving now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought you came here to tell me about your business.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm here to tell you that I got a new thing going.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got a new job? Really?

[Danny Mahoney]

To the tune of I want a new drug.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

I got a new job. I have what you have. I've always wanted what you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I mean, if you're talking about psoriasis, I got a.

[Danny Mahoney]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Psoriasis.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Do you still have that?

[Danny Mahoney]

Are you dealing with the psoriasis? What do you do for it?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, the Normal stuff.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He used to have it. He used to have it. It was all around his eyes.

[Danny Mahoney]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And it made his eyes look further away than they were.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I was created a weird effect. Used goggles.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, you mean further apart or further away?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Further away from you, really. You would look at him and it looked like his eyes were further away than the rest of him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, shit.

[Danny Mahoney]

Like we inside of his head.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But it didn't look like that. It looked like they were just at a distance.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was like those haunted mansions, you know, busts that the eyes always seem to be following you all the time. Except it made my eyes look like they were further. They were like a mile away or something like that.

[Danny Mahoney]

Are they doing bus?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Great comparison.

[Danny Mahoney]

Occasionally though, doing drug busts at the Haunted Mansion.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They should.

[Danny Mahoney]

They should. They absolutely should.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You ever tweaked and gone on the Haunted Mansion ride?

[Danny Mahoney]

I don't know what you mean by tweaked, my friend. Have I done speed at. Done that entire theme park in less than nine minutes?

[Scott Aukerman]

Disneyland in nine minutes.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I've been advocating this for, as a, as a, as a health professional. I've been advocating this for a long time. Disney will not listen to me. Have a drug day. You know what I mean? They do it. They do it for the gay people. Why not have a day for the people who are all on drugs? Well, if you gotta have one group. So have a day where you, you, you can only get in the park if you're on drugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

And apparently like.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, if you're on drugs, do them.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't do them in the park. You got to. But you got a mandatory drug testing to get in.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And you better test positive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And then.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And don't try to eat a lemon poppy muffin.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you do speed, it makes the rides go faster.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, well you don't have to cuz.

[Danny Mahoney]

You don't got to sit in the little car.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like everybody just run around. So you're just like knee deep in It's a Small World in Water.

[Danny Mahoney]

Doesn't go all the way up to the knee, Scott. It looks like it does, but doesn't really. But yeah, I just run through the ride and I get everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Peter Pan and everyone.

[Danny Mahoney]

Sure, I'll wave at Peter Pan. You think I won't wave at Peter Pan?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll wave. Peter Pan, he appreciates it.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, that's the way to do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

Don't fuck around. Like I got nine minutes to do this whole theme park.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's incredible. I mean it's an cheap first.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

The. The nine minutes was. The. Was the issue.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And you're like, how am I going to get this accomplished?

[Danny Mahoney]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was happening in nine minutes that you had to get to?

[Danny Mahoney]

I had a party. I'd agreed to be due to a party.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you double booked yourself on a day that you were already.

[Danny Mahoney]

I did not double book myself. I gave myself nine minutes to do Disneyland and then go to do a party.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

By the way, Cadbury eggs are not getting smaller, asshole. They make a smaller version. The regular Cadbury egg is the regular size. The same size it's always been.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

You can get a smaller Cadbury egg.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll take your word for it. I've heard they're smaller.

[Danny Mahoney]

They're not. Some people like them a little bit smaller, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they are small like them.

[Danny Mahoney]

Smaller. They. Because they make a smaller version in addition to the regular size.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe the standardized version is getting small.

[Danny Mahoney]

That is incorrect.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're in touch with the Cadbury people on this or. How do. Where's your date?

[Danny Mahoney]

Source.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Can. I'll be the source.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Because that's something I'm very proud of that we're doing in this administration really is. We are making a medium Cadbury egg. So you have the regular size and.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have the smaller version size.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Then you have the mini eggs, which are a completely different consistency and flavor.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that you should. You should make the language around fun size candy. It's not fun to have a smaller candy. It should be illegal to call it fun size unless it's way bigger. Like the size of a novelty Check.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You're killing children. You're killing children.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which children?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Any. Any child that you convince that that size is not fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

You kill them. I don't.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm killing them.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't mean murderer.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Murderer. Child murderer.

[Danny Mahoney]

I've been saying that for years.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I barely know you.

[Danny Mahoney]

What the. How many times. Somebody's got to look it up. How many times Danny Mahoney been on the Comedy Death Ray podcast? Gotta be a thousand times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell you what, why don't we take a break? I'll look it up. I'll look up the stats. Okay. We'll figure out how many times you've been on Comedy Bang Bang or whatever it's called. And. And we'll figure this out. Okay, so we need to take a break, and then you're. You're gonna tell me about your new venture?

[Danny Mahoney]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, I'd like you to.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And you should Apologize to those dead kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, I'm sorry. To any children who are listening that I've killed.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Do it after the break. Make it good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools. These are real tools, by the way. It's like a hammer. Squarespace reached out and they said, we invented a new hammer. It's cutting edge. I said, please Hammer, don't hurt him. And we all laughed. But. But in any case, they have some great tools and anyone can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI enhanced website builder to get a fully custom website in just a few steps. Using basic information about your industry goals and personality to create premium quality content and personalized design recommendations. And every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? Well, Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. No hidden fees or add ons required. Head over to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Adam Pally here and I'm John Gabris. We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host of the TV show 101 Places to Park Party before you die.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll have guests like our friend, actor Jerry O', Connell, ketamine therapist Dr. Steven Radowitz, Paul Scheer, Ego Wodem, Gillian Bell, Dr. Dolittle. Staying alive with John Gabris and Adam Pali is out right now. Get them a week early and ad free with SiriusXM podcast plus on Apple Podcasts. Thanks for selling your car to Carvana. Here's your check.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Whoa. When did I get here? What do you mean? I swear it was just moments ago that I accepted a great offer from Carvana Online. I must have time traveled to the future.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was just moments ago. We do same day pickup. Here's your check for that great offer.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It is the future.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's the present and just the convenience of Carvana.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry to Blow your mind.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's all good, Happens all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sell your car the convenient way to.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Carvana Pickup times may vary and fees may apply.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang bang. We're back. Here we have Dr. Bill Blondie. My personal physician is with me.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, Dr. Bill Blondie.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you've been examining me during the break?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I have.

[Scott Aukerman]

At least you've had your hand in my pants.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Could you. Oh, so you could tell?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I. Oh, I definitely. Yeah. You have cold, clammy hands.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, you learned to dance with my hand in your pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

That makes it better.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Billy Joel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he say that?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

The Entertainer, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the Entertainer. Is that the one where he talks about sitting around at home and masturbating?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, that's Captain Jack.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, Captain Jack. That guy loved jerking it.

[Danny Mahoney]

I love Billy Joel. Who's better than Billy Joel?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Nobody.

[Danny Mahoney]

Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

At what, though?

[Danny Mahoney]

At sailing a boat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sailing about. I mean, it's a good point.

[Danny Mahoney]

Driving drunk. He's good at it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, yeah. He's really. He's one of. One of our best.

[Danny Mahoney]

One of the best.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He insisted that one time that he got in a car accident. He was not drunk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That he was going through personal problems or something like that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I don't remember what his excuse was for crashing that car. They do it, but whatever it was, it wasn't drink.

[Danny Mahoney]

I just watched four hours of Billy Joel documentary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gotta see it. Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

He looks right into the camera. At some point he says, I've never had any DUIs. So you. It was powerful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds very gripping. Danny Mahoney is here.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I like when he's, you know, the present day, he's sitting around the kitchen table with his old bandmates. And they all look exactly alike.

[Danny Mahoney]

All four of them. Everybody at the table.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

There's five guys. Four of them are bald with goatees. One guy has hair and, you know, they hate that guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did he escape?

[Danny Mahoney]

I like every time he falls in love, I never got tired.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He's a hopeless, hopeless romantic.

[Danny Mahoney]

Hopeless romantic.

[Scott Aukerman]

He writes the most romantic songs. Of course he's gonna be a romantic.

[Danny Mahoney]

I kept thinking, this is it. And then, no, he falls in love again.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He also has a vape shaped like a cigar. Is that what he's doing? That's what he's doing.

[Danny Mahoney]

Good for you. I didn't notice that close.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

I gotta go back and watch all four.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Everybody should vape.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are all vapes. Cigar shaped? In a way.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No.

[Danny Mahoney]

Sometimes a vape is just a vape.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I apologize. I want to say this. I apologize. To the dead kids. And I apologize to you, Danny Mahoney.

[Danny Mahoney]

I accept your apology.

[Scott Aukerman]

Danny Mahoney would have surprised you to learn that you have been on this show three times. What?

[Danny Mahoney]

What are you talking about? Now hold on.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is your fourth appearance.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Hold a second, dear. You said a thousand times.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's what I honestly believe it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you were a little upset when I said two, which is not that far off.

[Danny Mahoney]

It's actually pretty far off if you think about it percentage wise.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point.

[Danny Mahoney]

3 is 300 more than 2.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't believe so, but it's 50 more.

[Danny Mahoney]

But a thousand is practic. The bridge between 3 and a thousand is smaller than from 3 to 2 in the sense of how. What proportion?

[Scott Aukerman]

Especially if you're looking at it in a macro sense.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

If you need. If you need three breaths or you're going to die and you only get two, it's a long way away from that third breath.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good point. But if you get a thousand breaths, like you're already good.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

The journey of a lifetime begins with a thousand breaths.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. It's true. In any case, you also were on the television show you and I have.

[Danny Mahoney]

Television show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I did a comedy. Bang Bang television show.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had to join SAG for it, right? You were a must join.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, it was a must join at that point because I had done some demo commercials, demonstration commercials in house win backs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whose house? My house runs out.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, it was a blondie's house. That's right. I was a must join. I had to bring a check for twelve hundred dollars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it worth it doing my show?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, actually, it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

I got a lot of business, as a matter of fact.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

I got a lot of business. I got a lot of emails from people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Danny Mahoney]

Telling me what. How I should solve my battery problem. A lot of emails from ass.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I think I saw you on a Gray's Anatomy.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I did a graze. Sure, I did a graze.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, were you a patient or a doctor?

[Danny Mahoney]

I was a patient. And a guy who was like. But I was a patient because I says, I'm not taking off my clothes. I'm not getting one of these hospital gowns. I'm not lying down in a bed. I'm not gonna be sick. I'm not gonna be a guy that's injured or who's dying or any of this.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

This sounds like they just approached you to be on the show and you laid down the rule. It was not like you got your cast. They did show.

[Scott Aukerman]

They approached me just from being on my show. They saw you on that?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah. Grace came to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Danny Mahoney]

And I said, so what they made me is I'm a guy who's like, signing papers to go home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that works. You were a patient, but you were signing yourself out against medical advice.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, maybe that wasn't part of it, but you could say that in your head.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It was real quick scene.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Any lines?

[Danny Mahoney]

I didn't have any lines. I didn't need any lines.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I says, you knew what was going on.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

The camera passes you, you're signing papers. Did we get a look at your face or was it from the back?

[Danny Mahoney]

If you know what I look like, you know it was me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds to me like you were a background artist.

[Danny Mahoney]

What did you call it?

[Scott Aukerman]

A background artist or extra, perhaps?

[Danny Mahoney]

Background artist. I like that. That's what I was.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's okay. Great. I'm glad you like it.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's what I was. I watch.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I watch every medical theme show to see if they'll mention me by name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you think they might mention you just because you're a doctor? Because you're in the biz?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Because I'm a real doctor. I'm hoping it'll come up. They've. Of course, I've heard them say the word bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But like, oh, of course. When are you going to pay your bill? That's a big part of these documents.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Or there's people named Bill and I think. Is that based on me? Yeah, but I've heard them say blondie very infrequently.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Never in reference to me, usually in.

[Scott Aukerman]

In reference to like a pretty blonde nurse or something like that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, it's the. It's the butterscotch brownies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So. Hey, would you like part of my blondie?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You would be. You would be very surprised how often blondies, the food, come up on every medical drama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Try me. You think I'd be very surprised. Try me.

[Danny Mahoney]

How about the Pit?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

The Pit? Twice.

[Danny Mahoney]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm surprised. Honestly, I'm very surprised.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Hit me again.

[Scott Aukerman]

How about on scrubs 107 times? One. And. And they. I mean, that's as many episodes.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

One of those was a blondie referring to hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm gonna go way back on you. I'm gonna go way back on your bloody Marcus.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, BMD, four times.

[Danny Mahoney]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trapper John, MD.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Four times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, Queen really knows. Oh, Quincy me.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He's a medical examiner. There was one person who died. They were murdered by having a blondie Shoved out their throat.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm not surprised by that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That.

[Danny Mahoney]

Let me ask you something.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

If. Okay, you're a doctor. What do they call it? What?

[Scott Aukerman]

A doctor wears lab coat. Like those pajamas. Scrubs.

[Danny Mahoney]

Hey, that's why they call the show that. Hey, I just got that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's funny. It is. I mean, I guess it's funny, but.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They were also scrubs in a pejorative way. The characters themselves, because in the TLC manner, they were young, you know, dum dums just starting out.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's what you call a scrub scrub. I never called anybody a scrub in my life. They were dumb. Dumb. I'll call them a dum dum. I'll say it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a straight shooter.

[Danny Mahoney]

Huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a straight shooter as well.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yes.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's Maybe if you're a mean doctor. You know, you want to toughen these kids up. You call them ladies all the time.

[Danny Mahoney]

Ladies. All right, what is it? Scrubs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scrubs.

[Danny Mahoney]

You're a doctor. Let's say you have a set of scrubs that says Grey's Anatomy on it, but you're a doctor and you're working a hospital, and a patient is in there, and his patient is talking to you. Do you want that patient to say, oh, what's up? How'd you get the thing? Why do you have it. Scrubs that say Grey's Anatomy on it. Do you want them to ask that question?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get. Did you take your costume home? Why are you asking us about.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, no. The name of the hospital was not Gray's Anatomy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ellen Pompeo's name in the show is Gray.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Was this a crew gift?

[Danny Mahoney]

I don't know. What I'm telling you is my doctor has scrubs that say Grey's Anatomy, and I never ask him about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think he's.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Am I supposed to be. It could be. Now, here's the thing, Scott, honey, you don't know everything about medicine. It could have been a gift from Grey's Anatomy. Because if they. If a medical show does mention your full name, they will always send you a gift of some kind.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why you're watching these shows, Trying to see if I'm gonna hold them to it. Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

It wouldn't be that hard to mention your name, just like, oh, I'm going to refer you to a specialist, Dr. Bill Blondie.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You preach on the choir here.

[Scott Aukerman]

You hate to do that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I've submitted that in writing to every medical show. It would be very easy if.

[Danny Mahoney]

Now, let Me ask you this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

Okay. If you are, let's say whatever, you're on a set of a television show, whatever it is.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And Hawaii 5:05.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fine. Maxim PI.

[Danny Mahoney]

It could be that other Hawaii based.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shows, the Brady Bunch.

[Danny Mahoney]

That one didn't happen in Hawaii, guys. Jesus.

[Scott Aukerman]

So are we to exclude Hawaii?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, take Hawaii out of it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So no Sanford and Son.

[Danny Mahoney]

That wasn't in Hawaii.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They went to Hawaii.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gilligan's Island. I think one of their specials.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, of course, Gilligan's island went to white. Why did Sanford and Son go to Hawaii?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

For vacation. What, Fred Saver doesn't deserve vacation.

[Danny Mahoney]

Would they ever have Family Feud?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sanford and Son.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's what I'm asking you.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Great question. I don't know.

[Danny Mahoney]

Thank you.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Look it up, Scotty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Come on.

[Danny Mahoney]

You're a background artist. Whatever you're doing, you're on a scent. They say you got a half hour for lunch. You're not hungry. You go for a walk. You walk through a property department, okay. And you stumble upon an area that's shelves and shelves of toilets.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Shelves and shelves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, this is how you got all your toilets? Is.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm asking you a hypothetical.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're prop toilets.

[Danny Mahoney]

Hypothetical, hypothetical, same thing. Toilets, my friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know if they're designed to work with the. The same way that a normal toilet does.

[Danny Mahoney]

They seem to be just fine in this hypothetical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think the prop department is building toilets? Like, okay, we need a toilet in this scene. Like, get the paper mache out. They're probably just buying regular.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I think they just take a block of Styrofoam and then Michelangelo style, they carve away what doesn't look like a toilet. Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

Anyway, this is my question. You could take those, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like you did.

[Danny Mahoney]

It sounds like that, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're very. Here's what I've noticed in the few film intelligence that I've been on is that they're very protective of. Of the things that are there. They don't want you to take them. And, and even if you ask nicely, they will still say no. And then eventually they will start to get upset.

[Danny Mahoney]

But what if your logic is, you're serving lunch, I'm not hungry. I didn't eat your lunch.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So.

[Danny Mahoney]

So I saved you money on my lunch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Therefore, I guess it would depend on what the lunch is, how expensive the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Catering is, how inexpensive the toilets are, what they bought the them for. Did they buy them?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Can you see? This is. This is what's so disgusting about where we are. In America right now, people are spending money on a single meal equivalent to the cost of a toilet.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's something. But not just one toilet. 13 toilets. No. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

[Danny Mahoney]

16 toilets.

[Scott Aukerman]

You, you have 16 toilets?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And what do you get another day older?

[Scott Aukerman]

But wait, Dr. Blondie, he's 16 toilets. This guy has a thing. Was 16.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I didn't even catch that. This is like that movie, the number 16.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think it was the number.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

23, but if it were called the number 16, and it was about 16 instead of 23.

[Scott Aukerman]

Instead of 23.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

Are you guys whispering to each other?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, we're whispering to each other.

[Danny Mahoney]

We whispering to each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have a doctor patient behavior.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Doctor patient kid confidentiality. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, I, I, I did want to say the relationship between Fred and Lamont Sanford on Sanford and Son was characterized by a comedic, often contentious Family Feud.

[Danny Mahoney]

So they were on Family Feud.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're right.

[Danny Mahoney]

It was the original Family Feud.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Congratulations. That's really good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you. Oh, yeah, we already went through the scenario.

[Danny Mahoney]

What scenario?

[Scott Aukerman]

The, the non Hawaii television show. Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

So you were talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you were hired as a background artist on Grace.

[Danny Mahoney]

I never worked in Hawaii, I'll tell you that right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

As a background actor or as an actor or as an anecdote. Never worked. I never did anything in Hawaii.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never even been.

[Danny Mahoney]

Have I been to Hawaii? No.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You know what? I've never been Hawaii. You ought to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really gotta go.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's like going to another country, but your phone still works fine. And that's the same money.

[Danny Mahoney]

Why does your phone work fine?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Because it's part of America.

[Danny Mahoney]

America. I don't get that at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's, it's the, the 50th state or the 49th at the very least.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, but why does your phone work there? Here's what I'm saying. Let's say, let's say we sue. Let's say things have gone a different way. And we says, Iraq, you're part of America now. You're our 51st state.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

Which we should have fucking done.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know about that. I think that we were kind of interrupting what was going on.

[Danny Mahoney]

We should have fucking made it a 51st state.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, all right.

[Danny Mahoney]

Would our phones work just fine over there? And if so, why?

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I mean, our phones might work fine over there. You just have to.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Roaming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, roaming charges.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's what it is. There's no roaming in Hawaii.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no.

[Danny Mahoney]

That, that doesn't make Any sense to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's true. I mean, I know it doesn't make any sense. It feels so far away. And yet when you step off the plane, suddenly, like, you have full bars, but you're not paying any extra.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But, honey, honey, honey, be happy about it.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm not happy about it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, you should be.

[Danny Mahoney]

No, because if it can be. If it cannot be roaming there. My point. It cannot be roaming everywhere. It's so far away. Roaming is bullshit. It turns out.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's exactly right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think that we should be one country? The entire Earth should just be one country?

[Danny Mahoney]

On my phone, in my phone bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Yeah. Okay. So one world government. Phone, wise one.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's beautiful.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They say.

[Danny Mahoney]

They say one world is enough for all of us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Sting once talked about this. But they say a one world government, that is the prelude to the Antichrist, you know, coming around. I don't know if you have any thoughts on that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Wait, do they do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

They do. Yeah. Like when. When. When all countries become one and it's one government, then the Antichrist.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

No idea. I mean, it's just one of those theories they have.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sounds like a bad time to come. Like I would come when everybody's all disorganized, fighting with each other. Yeah, that would be a great time for an Antichrist.

[Danny Mahoney]

But on the other hand. On the other hand, all you got to do is take out one guy, the top dog of the whole planet. Government, and now you're in charge.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But we don't know that there's just one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, instead of just going, like, hodgepodge.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Could be a council. You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

What? It could be a council.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Who knows?

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm saying, if it's one government, you got one top dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

When they're talking about. They're not talking about a council. Council.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Here's what's fun to think about, is that we think about the Antichrist coming. We think that it's going to be like, how we are now, Right? But honestly, imagine if it's the far future, right? And everybody's looking. They're wearing weird clothes and hyperboards and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. And jet packs and the. The, you know, the. The big red balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Minority red balls. Precogs.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And then the Antichrist shows up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Precog crime.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

The Antichrist shows up and everybody's like, what? No, you're from old times. This is the future. We're not scared of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. I mean, we're flying cars what do you do? What are you doing? Antichrist. Get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Antichrist is pretty scary in olden times. Certainly scared the out of people when they read the book of Revelation. They're like, oh, boy, I don't want that to happen.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, yeah, keep me out of that lake of fire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Even in the 20s, people, you know, still. Still pretty afraid of it all the way up to the 50s and 60s, maybe the early 70s. But now it's like we're in the future.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You say nobody's afraid of the anti. Gratitude?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I think there's still some people that are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Danny Mahoney, any thoughts on this?

[Danny Mahoney]

I think there's a lot of people out there that's afraid of the Antichrist. And let me tell you, they ought to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? What do you. What do you know about this figure? This. Some would say mythical figure, like Bigfoot.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm just saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or nessig.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm just saying. There's another hypothetical, like the toilets one. Let's imagine you wander into the ocean in the heaviest commercially available coat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they. Are there heavier coats that are not commercially available?

[Danny Mahoney]

Industrial coats, yes.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't sell those to, you know, you got to have a license.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They're very dangerous.

[Danny Mahoney]

Very dangerous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

But the heaviest commercially available coat is pretty fucking heavy. So I'm in that. I'm in that coat. I'm in the ocean. Or. No, someone is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, this is a hypothetical. Someone might be in the ocean at some point with a heavy coat.

[Danny Mahoney]

Okay. And you'll walk. And you're walking along the ocean floor. You're walking past old cars and tires.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Why are you walking?

[Danny Mahoney]

Because you got a heavy coat on keeping you down to the bottom.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What. What was the purpose of going in there with the coat on?

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, to kill yourself.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So wait, now you think suicide. Now you're taking a stroll?

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, you're waiting to die. What else are you gonna do?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not gonna open your eyes. No. You're gonna be looking at like the scuba diver guy with the bubbles floating.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's what they got down in the treasure chest.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I guess I just figured by the touch be doing that. You're interested in doing anything anymore.

[Danny Mahoney]

But you're wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also, I'm assuming these people have done what Tom Cruz did for that Mission Impossible movie and learned how to hold their breath for six minutes underwater. Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

Get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

So much that they had to change the script because originally it was four or something. And then he Learned how to do it even longer. They're like, all right.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I would have kept it at 4.

[Scott Aukerman]

They did. They just did a find and replace.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I would have been ready for six, but kept it four.

[Danny Mahoney]

I know for a fact Tom Cruise has never done one stunt himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, come on.

[Danny Mahoney]

I know for a fact he was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hanging off that airplane in the last one.

[Danny Mahoney]

If that wasn't an airplane and it wasn't him and it wasn't a movie, this is a. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

I watched it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You think you did. This is a bold claim, though.

[Danny Mahoney]

Not one stunt ever. That's not him on the motorcycle. He can't sit on a motorcycle. I know for a fact.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? What's going on with this?

[Danny Mahoney]

He has a. That's the problem. He's got a butt problem.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Danny Mahoney]

He can't sit on a microphone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Danny Mahoney]

What did I say?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the opposite of a.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You said microphone just now.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's fine. You're walking along the bottom of the ocean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Danny Mahoney]

You pass a wreck of an old Spanish ship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The galleon.

[Danny Mahoney]

Huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Galleon, sure.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay, whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot. A lot of water.

[Danny Mahoney]

You realize to yourself, oh, I've made a terrible mistake.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

Wait a minute. I could start a whole new business. I could start a beautiful business where I make people's lives wonderful by having it being the life of the party. If only I could get to the surface. If I could somehow get myself to the surface and start this business, I would change the world. And imagine then that you come face to face with an entity, something under the water. It's not an animal. It's kind of goat like. It has goat like features, but it's.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's fl.

[Danny Mahoney]

It's boiling the water around it and. And. And a smell of sulfur pervades the water all around you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

And this entity says to you, I will take off your coat if you will serve me. I'm just saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you're just saying.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm just saying it. Imagine if you then said, yes, and then it took off your coat and you swam to the surface.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I. I would say maybe you're hallucinating or maybe it's. You're seeing an Ursula type figure down there who lives under the sea. Perhaps.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Honey, honey, she doesn't look like a goat. Come on. She very much looks like an octopus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Come on.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big tatties.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Everybody's got to type. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

In any case, this. This. It's a hypothetical situation. It may never happen to anyone.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, you're probably right. That Person was just hallucinating. Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Hey, Danny, it. This is reminding me, though, when you talk about your old business that we haven't talked about your new business. What exactly. What exactly is this we have?

[Danny Mahoney]

I've slipped it in here and there, around the edges. I also podcast and I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a podcaster?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, of course. And I'm not the only one doing this.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, actually, he actually did mention that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, a lot of people do this podcast. That's why it's a great idea.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And.

[Danny Mahoney]

It takes no work. I just take things off the Internet and talk about them. It's called Am I the Asshole With Danny Mahoney. Do you know these? Am I the assholes?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Yeah, we've. We've talked about them on one of my other shows.

[Danny Mahoney]

People don't know how to behave. They have to write into the Internet to say, can I do.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Here's what I heard. Here's what I heard. A lot of those are true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. They feel 99 of them are true is what I heard.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the secret. They don't want you to know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Please don't spoil it for anybody.

[Danny Mahoney]

Anyway, that's what's great. It's my. I go on the Internet, I find these things. I go in, I talk about it. It's easy. Takes me. I do. I'm in and out of this podcast in under nine minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And you, you're like the arbiter of whether these people are assholes or not. Yeah. And where do you usually come down? What side of the issue?

[Danny Mahoney]

That's all different. Sometimes this, sometimes it's not. A lot of the time it's the person asking the question is. And sometimes it's the person they're talking about is. Sometimes it's somebody that's not even involved in this particular story. Turns out to be the.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's intriguing. And you say it's a nine minute podcast?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah. Well, I can get in and out of there.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're doing an hour, but it's on speed, so you just have to slow it down in post.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Right.

[Danny Mahoney]

You should listen to it at 1/9 the speed and then you can have an hour long podcast. Put that on your player. But I'm doing it nine. Wow. Getting in and out of there.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Are you. Are you the solo host? You have other people there?

[Danny Mahoney]

Sometimes I bring in friends of mine. We have a panel discussion.

[Scott Aukerman]

What friends? I. I don't know what friends.

[Danny Mahoney]

I got friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like who? I. I I, I, I know you do. I just, I've, I've never talked about your personal life.

[Danny Mahoney]

I got a friend name.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I haven't either, for the record.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

What? You haven't talked to me about my personal life. We're just meeting for the first time, as far as I know.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Hey, let's, let's take it easy.

[Danny Mahoney]

I've taken it easy.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You don't sound like you're taking it easy.

[Danny Mahoney]

How do you, what does it sound like to take it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That actually sounds better.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I prefer if she sounds like that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That guy sounds great.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying we, you know, I'm sure you do have friends. Maybe we have some mutuals that you know.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I got a friend named Slippery Mike.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think I know Slippery Mike. Okay, maybe I do. I don't know.

[Danny Mahoney]

I don't know if you do or not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So what other friends do you have?

[Danny Mahoney]

I got a friend named Cactus Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cactus Tony kind of rings a bell. Does he wear, like, snakeskin?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, actually he does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he work at the ARC lights?

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. I got a friend named Tennessee Mountain Landis Jr.

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy sounds familiar to me too. We may have been talking about him earlier.

[Danny Mahoney]

I don't know. I think he's a third, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's the third. Okay, so you have a regular posse?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, I got a regular. Got a crew full of guys. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's great.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, I got a guy named Don Demello.

[Scott Aukerman]

That guy I definitely know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

One of my buddies worked at the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pasadena Story Time Playhouse or something like that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I don't know. So, so sorry. Kennesaw. Kennesaw Mountain Landis.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, that's not the guy. I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know Tennessee.

[Danny Mahoney]

I know Tennessee Mountain. The third.

[Scott Aukerman]

The third. Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He was the first commissioner of baseball.

[Danny Mahoney]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not the guy you know.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the guy, you know? What does he do?

[Danny Mahoney]

He hardly does anything as far as I know. He'll, he'll wash your tires.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just the tires? Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

He doesn't want.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not a body guy.

[Danny Mahoney]

No, he's got. I don't know what he has, but it's only for tires. But he'll wash your tires.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Why are you. Squeeze bottle. Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He's got like a turkey baster.

[Danny Mahoney]

You know what it's like, is, like, what they have the plastic thing. You'll, they have ketchup and mustard in.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the ketchup and mustard bottles.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the plastic ones you squeeze.

[Scott Aukerman]

You squeeze it out and he squeezes it on tire.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he apply a rag to it at all or.

[Danny Mahoney]

He's got. He always. This guy always wears a long sleeve shirt. You never see this guy in short sleeves. It's interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is interesting.

[Danny Mahoney]

I've asked him, what are you hiding under there? You. He won't tell me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I mean, you catch more flies with honey. If that's how you're asking about it, I don't blame him.

[Danny Mahoney]

What am I supposed to say? What do you have got.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I like this guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like this guy is great. Have you ever thought about a personality transplant?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What a lovable guy. Yeah, I love what a lovable guy.

[Danny Mahoney]

What are you talking about? I mean, there.

[Scott Aukerman]

There might be a reason that you've only been on the show three times. You think it's been a.

[Danny Mahoney]

Check that again, please. Check that again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. Three times.

[Danny Mahoney]

How could that be? Really? How could that be?

[Scott Aukerman]

And. And it looks like two of the times were just cameos. When I.

[Danny Mahoney]

When I, like, I feel. Maybe not a thousand, but like, it feels like 10 times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm surprised. I'm confused.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm surprised as hell, but I feel good. What I'm saying is your personality might be part of the issue. Why we're not rebooking you.

[Danny Mahoney]

My personality?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's exactly what I said. And when I say that, I mean everything about you is obnoxious and irritated, irritating.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's factually incorrect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fact. You think it's not factual.

[Danny Mahoney]

I know for a fact that I have a wonderful personality. A sparkling personality. I'm a wonderful conversationalist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Let's try to have a conversation.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yeah, that's what.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Let's do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dr. Blondie and I will pretend we're at a party together and you come up to us and have a conversation.

[Danny Mahoney]

Great. Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Hey, the.

[Danny Mahoney]

Are you guys doing.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Did you. We didn't even get to start.

[Scott Aukerman]

All he said was, did you.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is part of the issue.

[Danny Mahoney]

No, I get it now. I get it now. The two of you are going to talk and I'm gonna. And I'm gonna come up.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay. Yes, I can get you more cocaine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Because I'm really running.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, that foot must be killing you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. Yes.

[Danny Mahoney]

Excuse me.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, hello.

[Danny Mahoney]

First of all, you. Where are you getting that cocaine from? Because it is against the laws. And if you're breaking the laws, walking around like the laws don't apply to you, then you deserve what's coming.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Dear, I'm a doctor, so it's medicinal cocaine.

[Scott Aukerman]

100% pure, uncut, medicinal.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It is beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dr. Blondie offered it to my wife when she had a nosebleed recently.

[Danny Mahoney]

And that's the worst thing for a nosebleed, is cocaine.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You think that. You think that because you're not a doctor.

[Danny Mahoney]

I am a doctor.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Wait, are you really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Where'd you go?

[Danny Mahoney]

All right. This is one thing I sometimes do to win an argument. I'll make up anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

But how often are you called on the. The. The fact.

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, let's play it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's play it. Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, I am a doctor.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh. Where'd you go to medical school?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, where did I go to medical school? Where did you go to fucking medical school?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I went to Tufts.

[Danny Mahoney]

Same with me. What year did you graduate?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

1972.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, I was there earlier than that. I came before you, but when the teachers was good.

[Scott Aukerman]

What year?

[Danny Mahoney]

What did you say again?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I said, I graduated 72.

[Danny Mahoney]

I was there, and I graduated 68.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Also said I was in my 50s.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey. I think you're lying. In fact, I think you're both lying. Wait, has this ever happened where people call you on a lie and you.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Figure out the other person, Cards on the table. This is embarrassing. It came out this way.

[Danny Mahoney]

What?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I didn't go to Tufts Medical school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I did not graduate in 1872.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Where did you go to school?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I took an online course. To become a doctor? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long did it take you?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Like, I think, like, 70 minutes. For the whole thing?

[Danny Mahoney]

I could have done it nine.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You probably could have.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I mean, I. This is surprising to me, Dr. Blondie, because you. You've kind of told me you're a real doctor.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Honey, honey, honey, I'm a real doctor. I have a medical license.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I never inspected.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm not a surgeon. You know what I mean? I'm not a surgeon.

[Danny Mahoney]

What kind of a doctor are you?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I'm a general practitioner.

[Danny Mahoney]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

So I. I look at you and I say, something's rotten in there. You got to go to this other guy. He's gonna cut it out of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's what I do. Right. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You've never said anything is wrong with me.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Well, I did say that your foot needed more cocaine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's true. Have I. Was I supposed to be rubbing the cocaine on the foot or just taking it?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Both.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Yeah. I've been doing both.

[Danny Mahoney]

You've been doing both.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Here's what you do. You Rub it on your foot. Then you rub the excess on your gums.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I would wash medical. I would wash your foot first.

[Scott Aukerman]

Medical grade.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, medical grade.

[Scott Aukerman]

We were very surprised when Dr. Blondie offered it to us for just simple nosebleed.

[Danny Mahoney]

This is David Brenner. Quality cocaine.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know your stuff.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yeah, I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this podcast is going well.

[Danny Mahoney]

Which one? The one we're on now. Going fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

This one's going great. But I mean, the podcast that you're hosting.

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, how do you know if a podcast is going well?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm just throwing it out there and wondering if you'll respond. Yes, it's going well.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, yes, it's going well. Yeah, it's going very well. It's on the top three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of what?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, all of them from Apple's podcast. And, you know, it's me. Call her daddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I mean, that. That algorithm is weighted towards, you know, new podcasts. You'll probably slip down after the first couple of weeks.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, is that what you tell yourself? I'm beating you, aren't I? It's me. Call her daddy. And the other guy. What? The guy and now Joe Rogan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that who you're talking about? Or Mark Maron?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Oh, no.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No such thing as a fish.

[Danny Mahoney]

No such thing as a fish. Yeah, that's what it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, Mark Marin stepping down. Have you ever thought maybe you could be the new host of wtf?

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, my people have been in touch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are your people?

[Danny Mahoney]

I got a. Well, slippery mic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Cactus Tony.

[Danny Mahoney]

Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I wouldn't want to cross those guys.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Who would be.

[Danny Mahoney]

Tennessee Mountain Land is the third.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Who would be your dream guest if you were to take over? What the.

[Danny Mahoney]

My dream guest. If I was to take what it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stands for, by the way, wt fuck would be.

[Danny Mahoney]

If you could ever get Barack Obama, he'd never do it. But if you could ever get Barack Obama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Actually, he. He. And he. He did that podcast. It's one of the only podcasts.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, no, I'm not talking about that Barack Obama. You're talking about the president Barack.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm talking about the. Yeah. Which Barack Obama do you.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'm talking about a different Barack Obama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, such a unique name.

[Danny Mahoney]

I. Oh, I know a guy named Barack Obama.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You're not talking about Barack Hussein Obama.

[Danny Mahoney]

I. I'm talking about a guy I know named Barack Insane Obama.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's insane in the Hussein.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So this is a totally different guy. Totally different.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's one of my crew.

[Scott Aukerman]

I gotta meet him.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, he'd be great. I can't get him on the podcast very often because he's got. He's one of those guys with a metal detector on the beach.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. You can't tear him away from it.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Is that.

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, he's got certain theories about when he has to be there according to tides, and all this never seems to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Line up with podcast schedules, I guess. Yeah. But Barack Insane Obama, if you ever see him, if you hear him on a podcast, you're lucky.

[Danny Mahoney]

He'd be my number one guest because I don't know, I'd love to hear some of the shit he finds out there in a beach.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he's never told you, but he's a friend of yours. But he's never told you about any of the stuff he's found.

[Danny Mahoney]

He says, have me on your podcast and I'll tell you.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you offer him a date. And then it never works. It never works out. I understand. Well, it sounds like it is going great.

[Danny Mahoney]

It is going great. Thank you very much. It sounds that way because it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic. Well, I wish you the best of luck.

[Danny Mahoney]

We haven't even done it yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. You haven't even recorded an episode yet.

[Danny Mahoney]

Well, we do it. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Well, I don't know how you're number three in the top three if you haven't even recorded yet.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay, okay. Call of Daddy is definitely recorded episode.

[Danny Mahoney]

They have done some already. Yeah, I planned it out. I have it all planned out. I've done it in my head so many times.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's half the battle right there. That's just as good as doing it. Sometimes I think.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah, yeah. Can I take some of this stuff, like this microphone and these headphones?

[Scott Aukerman]

These are not toilets. You can't just take what's.

[Danny Mahoney]

I know. They're not toilets. I know what a toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, these are not toilets.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Like you're establishing. It is okay to take toilets when it's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, but it's not a toilet type situation in your mind, at least.

[Danny Mahoney]

It is a toilet type situation in.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

My mind all the time, 24.

[Scott Aukerman]

7.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's a toilet situation in your mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, we. I'm afraid we have talked about your podcast and we are running out of time. Unfortunately, we only really have time for time to do.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Would you rather.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Find. Oh, if only. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called Plug Scotty has a Podcast. It's a pod with lots of interesting guests.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

What a pod.

[Scott Aukerman]

The guests are all done talking time.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

For what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Promoting what? Their hobby.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's a plug.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's really only one thing left to do.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Open the Plug Bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Plug Bank, Talk about your new shows. Hey, Plug Bag, it's not time to close Plug Bank.

[Danny Mahoney]

You better call the cbb. Fun for us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Plug Bag, is this going too long? Hey, that was Plug Dog Bird Bag by Beano G Funk and the Beverly Others.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Can I say. Yeah, the timing of this is Going Too long was immaculate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right on the money, Right?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Exactly when you were thinking, this is going too long, I thought it was.

[Danny Mahoney]

About two minutes late.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

They cut.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa. 52 second song there.

[Danny Mahoney]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Danny Mahoney.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah. It should have never.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It should have.

[Danny Mahoney]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Danny Mahoney]

You know what I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

The reviews are in. All right. What are we plugging? Dr. Billy. I. I beg your pardon?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You can call me Billy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I feel like we're not just doctor and patient, but we're also friends and family.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like we're none of those things. But that's interesting.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Then don't call me Billy. Billy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Dr. Blondie.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You can't call me Billy if you can't return my texts.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. You text too often. I have to say. You're a frequent texter.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's fun, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's fun. I mean, it's fun to send, not so much to receive because, you know, I don't silence my phone.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Wow. I never thought about that. That it could be fun to send but not fun to receive. Yeah, you really opened up something for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. Okay.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Thank you, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, no problem. Now, do you have anything to plug?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah, I would like to plug, of course. Medicinal cocaine. Sure, if you can get it. Get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you can get. Yeah. I feel so bad we turned it down that one time.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I also. Yeah, that was. What were you thinking?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Well, I was thinking we have a baby at home and we can't just be doing cocaine.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Give something to the baby. Yeah, it's medical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I know. It's 100 pure.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Babies are medical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I like to plug Varietopia with Paul F. Tompkins. Great variety show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, I've heard of the show. This is over the lodge room in Los Angeles.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Them in Los Angeles, but live streamed as well. They also live stream it. That's right. So that's Sunday, September 21, 7pm Pacific. Be there in person. Live stream it. Also, before you know it, it's going to be October. And that show that that, you know, in October, I changed my name plate on my door to Dr. Bill Bodie Booty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, why not? Dr. Bill Body or something?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You know, I don't get it. Okay, October, Variety. Toby goes back out on the road going to, you know, places.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I bet I could look this up while you Talk.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Go to varietytob.com for all the tickets, but Louisville, Kentucky's in there. Overland Park, Kansas, of course, is a stop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you have to play over Lark Park.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Overland Park. Come on. A little respect.

[Danny Mahoney]

Dr. Kill Blonde Blondie for Halloween.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Dr. Kill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, instead of Bill Blondie.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Dr. Bill Kill Blondie. I don't get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, never mind.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Like, I'm also Irish for Halloween.

[Scott Aukerman]

Looks to me as if you're going to Charleston Overlook.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's right. Charleston, South Carolina. St. Louis, Mo.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Louisville.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's my Mo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Louisville Kai.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Louisville Kai. I can't be there, obviously, because I don't live there in any of those places. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

But hey, Paula Tompkins will be there.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

That's right. You should go see that show. It's magnificent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Variotopia.com varia.com Now, Danny Mahoney, you want to plug your podcast? Of course.

[Danny Mahoney]

I also want to plug my new personality all the time.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

This is not the same. That's not.

[Danny Mahoney]

How is it different? It was a guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're adding some English to it that we.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

You try to make him less likable.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were so likable before.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

No, it's getting worse.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're making fun of it now.

[Danny Mahoney]

This is exactly what I was doing before.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't like it.

[Danny Mahoney]

That's what you guys like. No, that's what you like. You like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

In any case, your podcast has. Is yet to come out. Do you know of any other podcasts out there that you enjoy to come?

[Danny Mahoney]

You could go to patreon.com andy daily and have podcasts in your face. Like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's as easy as that.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Right in your fucking face.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right in your fucking face. I want to plug. I have nothing going on other than Astonishing Spider man is no longer happening. But hey, if you liked it, write to Marvel and say you want to continue or you want a printed version of it. That would be nice. And head over to CBB World if you're in the mood for podcast in your face. We have some great ones over there. We have the neighborhood Listen is over there. Have Collegetown. We have Scott hasn't seen the aforementioned Scott hasn't seen. Which you need to come on Dr. Blondie and watch what was it?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

He wouldn't tell me what the show was.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was it? What movie were we talking about, though?

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I don't. Scott, come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Slipped right through my fingers.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Also, don't say you got nothing going on. How about that cholesterol?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I have high cholesterol.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. It's a nightmare. Yeah, you got that going on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And you've prescribed no cure for it, or not even cure, just some sort of way to treat it at all.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah. Cocaine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Know that. That. Okay. In any case, it can't hurt if while you're over there at CBB World, we're giving away free cocaine over there. If you click on the right button.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Not medical, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not medical grade. No, this has been cut down.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

It's been stomped on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Laxative. Yeah.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And anyway. Anyway, head over to CBB World. You get the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang, including the three episodes that Danny Mahoney were on, apparently.

[Danny Mahoney]

Check that again, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'll check it one more time. Yep, three. You get new episodes ad free. All of that and more. Head over to Comedy Bang Bang World or CBB World. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Open the plug, then you are alive. Sonic the Hedgehog is a video game.

[Danny Mahoney]

It doesn't have big nappy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Jesus. All right, that was plug and learn. Parentheses, theme of plug back adventure and parentheses by Vindo. Thank you to Vindo. And if you have any plugs themes, head over to cbbworld.com plugs. You'll find everything you need over there to do remixes and upload your songs. And guys, I wanna thank you so much. First of all, Dr. Blondie. What a surprise were here. But I love hanging out with you.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I love you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love you, Dr. Blondie. And you know what? I'm not used to saying that to my. My. Just my friends.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I don't. Me, too. Same.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I. I love you.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

I want. I want to. Let's just tear down this toxic masculinity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

We're two bros, and we can say I love you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love you. And I like you as well. Same, same.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Does that diminish it if I just say same?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you can say ditto or whatever. Do people still know what dittos are from Ghost? Sure. And then Danny Mahoney.

[Danny Mahoney]

I'd like to build back up this toxic masculinity.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's back.

[Danny Mahoney]

And Hail Satan.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why now?

[Danny Mahoney]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What an unusual choice to end the show on to say Hail Satan. Very strange.

[Danny Mahoney]

Oh, did I say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

You Did. Yeah. Quite clearly into the microphone.

[Danny Mahoney]

I did not. Didn't. I don't do. Do that on purpose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So, all right, this must have been a slip of the tongue then.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

But yeah, yeah. Surely has nothing to do with you being rescued by an underwater antichrist?

[Danny Mahoney]

No, but build the one world government and hail Satan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, it's good enough for me. All right, we'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye. Adam Pally here, and I'm John Gabris. We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host of the TV show 101 Places to Party before you die.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll have guests like our friend, actor Jerry O', Connell, ketamine therapist, Dr. Stephen Radowitz, Paul Shear, Ego Wodo, Jillian Bell, Dr. Dolittle. Staying alive with John Gabrison. Adam Pali is out right now. Get them a week early and ad free with Sirius XM Podcast plus on Apple Podcasts. Sometimes an identity threat is a ring of professional hackers.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

And sometimes it's an overworked accountant who forgot to encrypt their connection while sending bank details.

[Scott Aukerman]

I need a coffee. And you need Lifelock.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

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[Scott Aukerman]

At lifelock.com specialoffer terms apply. Bubba Wallace, here with Tyler Reddick.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Waiting for qualifying results? Waiting for the green flag to drop.

[Dr. Bill Blondie]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Dr. Bill Blondie]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Dr. Bill Blondie]

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