The 17th Anniversary Show! (Lisa Gilroy, Shaun Diston, Paul F. Tompkins, Edi Patterson, Dan Lippert, Will Hines, Isabella Escalante, Anna Bezahler)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The 17th Anniversary Show!

Podcast: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast
Host: Scott Aukerman
Date: May 4, 2026
Guests/Characters: Lisa Gilroy, Shaun Diston, Paul F. Tompkins, Edi Patterson, Dan Lippert, Will Hines, Isabella Escalante, Anna Bezahler, and a parade of eccentric regulars and new faces (in character).

---

Episode Overview

The "17th Anniversary Show" is a raucous, meta, and character-filled celebration of the Comedy Bang Bang podcast’s 17-year legacy. Scott Aukerman welcomes a barrage of returning favorites, wild new characters, improv games, and his trademark absurdist banter. The episode embodies everything fans love: surreal character work, heartfelt parodies of pop culture, passive-aggressive musical legends, generational contrasts, and deeply silly callbacks to the podcast's running gags.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Anniversary Spirit

• Scott opens with reflections on the show’s origins as Comedy Death-Ray Radio back in 2009 and riffs endlessly on being “17 years old” (00:16).
• Catchphrase of the Week: “Who let the dogs out? I was experimenting. They all have rabies. And now we're all gonna die.” — Submitted by "Uncle Beans" (00:16).
• Scott frames the episode as a living anthology—"guests dropping by all episode"—each contributing to the madcap party atmosphere (02:00+).

Nanaverse: Blood Relatives and Musical Aspirations

• Nana (Lisa Gilroy, in character): Scott’s “grandmother” appears and the mythos deepens—she claims blood ties ("Big, wet, sloppy blood" — 03:38) and spins tales of chicken-itis, her grandson’s frail bones, and a mysterious vendetta against the French (03:33–13:03).
• Nana unveils her opera-rap crossover song blending birthday wishes for Scott, generational struggle, and lifted Tupac lyrics (09:00–10:06).

  "It's your motherfucking boof day... Picture me inside the misery and poverty no man alive has ever witnessed, struggles I survived..." — Nana performing her song (09:23)

• High point: Nana and Scott share a rare on-air embrace (11:03–11:59).

May the 4th Be With You: Yoda’s Dating Adventures

• Yoda (Dan Lippert, in character): Drops in to riff on Scott’s “baby boy” status, mix up Jeopardy with "Geoparty," and deliver a Star Wars-flavored update (13:15–35:00).
• Pop Culture Roasting: Star Wars lore, Disney’s Bachelorette franchise, and the cancellation/fallout over "Taylor Frankie Paul" (17:03+).
• Yoda as The Bachelorette: Yoda reveals they have filmed the entire season as the Bachelor/Bachelorette, culminating in an engagement (22:14).

  "I will be replacing Taylor Frankie Paul as the next Bachelorette, Scott." (18:33) "I'm engaged, Scott. I talked to Neil Lane. I got the ring." (22:20)

• Infamous plug: Yoda tweaks nipples with the Force during fantasy suite dates (26:21–27:53), and the merits of midichlorian-powered sex are debated.
• Meta-riff: Scott is invited to be the next “Podcast Bachelor,” prompting surreal hypotheticals about contestant intros and chicken-itis (28:27–32:19).

Yacht Rock and Passive Aggression: Seals (without Crofts)

• Seals (Will Hines, in character): Plays the surviving half of Seals & Crofts, now in search of a new “Crofts,” melancholy and passively aggressive (41:26+).

  “We can’t be Seals and Croft. It’s Seals and Crofts—double plural team.” (46:19)
  “Every show we’d feature multiple seals and multiple Crofts behind us on stage.” (50:45)

• Crofts lore: Layered with nonsensical, escalating inside jokes about who/what “Crofts” are, Seals’ family tree, and the mysteries of the yacht rock world (43:14–54:03).
• Seals fields “band partnership” ideas, including Seals and Christopher Cross—not impressed, threatens violence (55:54).

Musical Dreams, Generational Gaps, and New Partnerships

• Bean Dip (Edi Patterson, in character): Entrepreneur and musician, performs a Morrissey-length song about wilted roses (64:04).

  “The roses have all wilted and died and now I have no idea where I'm gonna go tonight...” (64:04)

• Talk turns to possible partnerships—Seals and Bean Dip struggle with the rule of plurals in band names, ponder involving Mr. Bean, and showcase their “guitar” talents, which is just vocal imitations (68:16).
• Meta-critique: Scott butts in to correct Seals on his own lyrics ("That was insane what you just did," — Yoda, 69:13).

Basketball and Body Mods: Bill Walton Arrives

• Bill Walton (Dan Lippert, in character): Groovy, verbose NBA legend—shows off new plastic surgery (“Mac Tonight on the downstairs, Leno on the sides,” 85:20), laments failing to pitch his "Entourage-with-aunts" project, and reveals plans to film “sexual-mythical” verticals in Shanghai (80:04–92:19).

  “You could be a man who turns into a centaur—but we only have the budget for horse legs, so maybe just back legs on wheels...” (100:15)

• Escalating improv about Jeff Ross, One Punch Man, vertical videos, and Russell Crowe’s band.

Hyperlocal Sleuthing: Boobs Rinse - The World’s Most Successful Private Investigator

• Boobs Rinse (Dan Lippert, in character): Local PI, accidental acting superstar, inventor of the asterisks in “MAS*H,” and COVID vaccine perfector (103:08–118:44).

  “I get 50% of all MASH residuals, because I came up with the asterisks.” (117:55)

• Obsessed with limiting his work to one street—Hillhurst Avenue. Accepts a sock for a case, talks himself into being on "Abbott Elementary" but denies it’s acting work.

Gen Z Biz: Austin and Tony’s Enterprise

• Austin & Tony (Isabella Escalante & Anna Bezahler, in character): Two high school seniors hawking CoolDickShoes.com, pivoting to socks with penises on them—chaos at checkout and unintended links to Kelsey Grammer’s OnlyFans (121:01+).

  “Please only order one. That’s just one, because…” “You just get one sock.”

• Duo applies to college as one entity. Flirt with the flower shop lady (via Zoom photos), receive business/investment advice from Bill Walton, and get mogged by the older guests.

Callback Cavalcade, Classic Bits & Party Chemistry

• Bit after bit collides: passive-aggressive “Yacht Rock,” feigned confusion over simple topics (“What is a croft?”), the legend of Crofts, greasy plugs for tour dates, and Scott’s “sprinkler-penis” mishaps.
• Meta fun: Multiple callbacks to prior episodes, running bits (chicken-itis, passive aggression, soft quitting, everyone knowing Seals’ wife’s full name).
• Things close with the group attempting, badly, to sing "Summer Breeze" as a Crofts funeral eulogy—Seals freezes (“huba huba huba”)—and Scott closes with, “Speaking of Cajun babies, we’ll see you next week” (153:47).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Podcast Anniversaries:

"Seventeen years ago, back in the early 21st century... most listeners probably were not even a glint in the sperm sack of their father's body." — Scott Aukerman (02:00)

Musical Tributes:

"Happy birthday to you, you, you... Birthday. Your little squirt day. You are a fan of Colin Firth day. Let's go and raise a roof day and tell the truth day..." — Nana’s “rap” (09:00–09:23)

Yoda, on The Bachelorette:

"I will be replacing Taylor Frankie Paul as the next Bachelorette, Scott... I'm engaged, Scott. I talked to Neil Lane. I got the ring." (18:33, 22:20)

Seals’ passive aggression:

“We can’t be Seals and Croft. It’s Seals and Crofts—double plural team.” (46:19)
"Why don't you just paired up with Christopher Cross and you went by Seals and Cross?"
"Now, I know you're a little guy, but I'd love to kick the shit out of you. Oh my God, if I had..." — Seals to Yoda (55:54)

Meta-references:

"Chickenitis you have." – Yoda (31:22)
"That's the soft part — passive aggressiveness." – Seals (51:39)

Austin & Tony, business geniuses:

“We want to be the first official duo college application.” (129:19)

Seals’ emotional Crofts eulogy:

“Nobody did it like him except me, but he did a little bit better... And if anybody out there knows our song, Summer Breeze, sing it with us.” (152:47–153:07)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Anniversary intro, Nana’s entrance: 00:16–13:03
• Yoda’s Bachelorette segment & fantasy suite: 13:15–35:00
• Seals (without Crofts), Yacht Rock, Crofts lore: 41:26–55:53
• Bean Dip musical collaboration: 64:04–73:32
• Bill Walton: Basketball, body mods, vertical pitch: 80:04–92:19
• Boobs Rinse: PI/accidental actor, MAS*H lore: 103:08–118:44
• Austin & Tony, Cool Dick Shoes/Socks, generational business chaos: 121:01–143:47
• Group eulogy for Crofts, outro: 151:30–153:47

---

Plug Highlights

• Variotopia live show (May 17), world’s greatest improv YouTube channel, Eat Pray Dunk podcast, and the CBB tour (144:34–149:33).
• CoolDickShoeSocks.com — "Please only order one," 11-month lead time, potential sock-based puppet work on national network TV.

---

Tone & Language

The episode maintains the free-associative, quick-witted, and anarchic tone characteristic of Comedy Bang Bang. "Seals" is gently combative; Yoda is alternately sage-like and vulgar; the teens channel naive bravado and accidental horniness; Scott never stops riffing or meta-commenting. Every guest leans hard into their persona, creating a layered, densely referential comic tapestry.

---

Conclusion

This 17th Anniversary episode is a pure distillation of Comedy Bang Bang’s appeal: a cavalcade of surrealist characters, pop-cultural pastiche, meta-jokes, messy improv, and satirical heartbreak. From chicken-itis-ravaged family ties to Yoda tweaking nipples with the Force, to generational mogging and a funeral for Crofts, it’s an unmissable, marathon celebration and a perfect showcase for new and veteran listeners alike.

Transcript

[Seals]

America's best network just got bigger. Switch to T Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our 5 year price guarantee and now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.

[Scott Aukerman]

Best mobile network based on analysis by Google of speed test intelligence data 2H 2025 bigger network the combination of T Mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. See t mobile.com for details. When Mother's Day means celebrating your mom, your wife, maybe even your daughter as a new mom. Trust 1-800-FLOWERS to help you celebrate every important woman in your life with double blooms from 1-800-Flowers. Order one dozen roses and get another dozen for free. It's a simple way to give beautifully with colorful blooms that make Mother's Day feel meaningful for every mom you're celebrating. Order with confidence and get Double blooms at 1-800-FLowers.com sxm. That's 1-800-FLowers. Com sxm. Who let the dogs out? I was experimenting. They all have rabies. And now we're all gonna die. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Uncle Beans. Uncle Beans finally submitted a catchphrase. Thank you to Uncle Beans for that wonderful catchphrase submission. We're not gonna use it forever, but I loved it today. Thank you to Uncle Beans. And welcome to not only Uncle Beans, but all of you listening to a very special episode of comedy Bang Bang. Seventeen years ago, back in two back in the early 21st century, in most listeners probably were not even a glint in the sperm sack of their father's body. Yet back in 2009, a little program called Comedy. Well, back then it was called Comedy Death Ray Radio, but now it is. Comedy Bang Bang started and then smash cut to 17 years later. We're doing this episode that tells the story, I think, of this entire program, doesn't it? Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast started 17 years ago this week and we have a very special episode episode to celebrate this. We're going to celebrate this entire episode, G. And you're going to like it. G. We have guests of plenty. People are going to be dropping by throughout the show. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm going to be here the entire journey, just guiding you all the way through this. But 17, that is a very special number. It used to be a magazine and now it's an anniversary of a podcast. I don't know how these things work, but we're glad that they are. Let us get to our first guests who are here. We're gonna have guests dropping by all. All episode. I guess every single minute of this episode. Not every single minute. That would be insane. But a lot of guests are going to be here. Let's get to our first one. She is my. I guess, you know, every once in a while on this program, over the past 17 years, I've had blood relatives, and we are blood, are we not?

[Nana]

Oh, the bigger the blood, the better.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have big, big blood between us, right?

[Nana]

Big, wet, sloppy blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big, sloppy blood. She is my what? What exactly is our relationship?

[Nana]

I'm your nana, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Nana]

Meaning you're my grandmother, which means I love you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, thank you so much.

[Nana]

Happy birthday, Scotty.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not my birthday. It is the birthday of the show. If that's okay. You can wish the podcast. Have you ever wished a podcast happy birthday?

[Nana]

What's a podcast, Nana?

[Scott Aukerman]

That is the eternal question.

[Nana]

Let's get back to talking about blood. Something I know quite a bucket about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Quite a. But, yeah, tell me what you know about blood. Like, let's just get a baseline of what you know.

[Nana]

Blood. It's in you to give.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's in you to give.

[Nana]

The slogan of the donation campaign. You ever heard that? Or is it Canadian?

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no. There's no way for you to give it without getting it from inside your body. Is that right?

[Nana]

Here's a riddle. The man who buys it doesn't want it. The man who eats it doesn't have it, and the man who swallows it never drank it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Blood.

[Nana]

Blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nana, you've been a good friend of the show. You've appeared approximately four times on the show, but we always love it when you're here.

[Nana]

I always come on your birthday, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do?

[Nana]

I wouldn't miss your birthday for the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much, Nan.

[Nana]

Happy birthday, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I always enjoy seeing your weathered, weathered face on these momentous occasions.

[Nana]

That's right. It's covered in snow, sleet, rain.

[Scott Aukerman]

All things that the post office go ahead and deliver during you. The U.S. post Office, of course. I don't know if you know anything about that.

[Nana]

Usps. Which is also how I call my cats. Usps.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are their actual names?

[Nana]

No, like, that's a noise you make to make a cat.

[Yoda]

Usps.

[Nana]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. You're a cat lady. Is that right?

[Nana]

I am a cat Nana. Okay, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana. Cat Nana.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nana. You know, we have a great relationship, although I don't believe I ever spoken to you before. About five years or so ago, we

[Nana]

like to keep our hangouts on air.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Yeah. We have a very. Like most of my relationships, I don't get to see many people unless they're on air.

[Nana]

Performative, Shallow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. What have you been up to since the last time we've seen you? And honestly, what have you been up to the last 17 years? I mean, 17 years is such a unique and specific amount of time. You must know what you've been doing since 2009.

[Nana]

Well, of course I know, but it's none of your damn business, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, why don't you tell the listeners, then? I'll put on earmuffs.

[Nana]

Oh, okay. Well, for the last 17 years, I've been pursuing a music career.

[Scott Aukerman]

A music career? I'm sorry.

[Nana]

You weren't supposed to be listening to

[Scott Aukerman]

Scallywag, but I just can't believe what I accidentally heard. You've been pursuing a music career?

[Nana]

I didn't want to bother you and the family about it because you were such a sickly boy that everyone had higher concerns. I didn't want to pull focus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Didn't know if I was going to pull through. Over the last 17 years, you had chickenitis, didn't you? I mean, something like that.

[Nana]

Your bones were like. Chicken bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's the problem. They're tinier than normal human bones.

[Nana]

Your toenails were long, like little chicken feet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, anything that a chicken is like was corresponded to my body.

[Nana]

Yes, that's exactly right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So what type of music do you. I. When you say a music career, do you mean in performing?

[Nana]

Are you still laying eggs, boy?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I don't think I paused that much during that question. But what are you. Are you performing or are you music management? What area are you?

[Nana]

Well, I'm a performer, and I actually wrote something for you, scooty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Nana]

Yes, because I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

To celebrate the 17th anniversary.

[Nana]

Your 17th birthday. And I know that now you're 17. You probably don't like the kind of music I normally make. Which is? Opera so beautiful you could cry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, opera. Oh, okay.

[Nana]

No, not opera. Opera so beautiful you could cry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Opera so beautiful you could cry. Okay.

[Nana]

That's the kind I was dabbling in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, could I. Could I hear this song that you've written for me?

[Nana]

This new one is a new genre, or gone ra, depending on how you pronounce it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Genre, probably, but yeah, go ahead.

[Nana]

I'm not French. I hate the French.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Why do you hate the French?

[Nana]

They killed my mother.

[Scott Aukerman]

The country of France as a whole,

[Nana]

or the French people.

[Scott Aukerman]

The French People all banded together to kill your mother.

[Nana]

Yes, in the revolution of Sacre bleu.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Nana]

Anyways, that's for another time, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Nana]

Something I remember about your diagnosis as of chickenitis is that you can't handle too much information or you'll fall asleep.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. I have TMI chickenitis, so.

[Nana]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I'm nodding off right now. Can you start the song?

[Nana]

I actually wrote it for you in the car ride over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Okay. I'm excited to hear this.

[Nana]

I wanted to make it like something for a 17 year old chickeny boy. Okay, so I know you like some sorts of cool music.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. What? When you say cool music, what do you just listen. Okay.

[Nana]

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

[Yoda]

you, you, you, you, you, you,

[Bill Walton]

You.

[Nana]

Birthday. Your little squirt day. You are a fan of Colin Firth day. Let's go and raise a roof day and tell the truth day. It is your motherfucking boof day. Come on and shout ahoy because Deoi. Hey boy's day. Oh, scooty scoot. Yes, I love you I've never told you but I've been longing now to hold you for many years with many fears now I've cried my tears now and when I held that knife All I could see was my mama's eyes no one knows my struggle they only see the trouble not knowing it's hard to carry on when no one loves you Picture me inside the misery and poverty no man alive has ever witnessed Struggles I survived praying hard for better days Promise to hold on oh, I've gotten away from myself.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. That was incredible.

[Nana]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seemed to segue into all about your struggles as an elderly white woman towards the back half.

[Nana]

Yes. That's a song that I wrote with Tupac.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you say you wrote the majority of it on the way over in the car. Were you driving while you wrote it?

[Nana]

Unfortunately, yes. But I tried to do it at the red lights. And if you'll see in my phone note here, I really only wrote down the words that rhyme. So if you were to see the lyrics, it would just look like Berth Squirt, Colin Firth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Amazing that you're able to extrapolate.

[Nana]

Yes, I just kind of color the sentences just Free Bird style.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was incredible. And to hear that you have never said that you loved me and want to tell me that and want to hold me, that's.

[Nana]

Don't remind me. I Can only say it in song, otherwise it makes me squohemish.

[Yoda]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Well, I will allow you to hold me if you want to start around now. I think it's high time that our relationship progressed to the next level.

[Nana]

Oh, you really want to get your squeezes in with me while I'm. Before I'm gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Before you're gone. Yeah. I would hate to look back on the missed opportunities of squeezing you.

[Nana]

Yeah, well, I'm the only one that really has all the memories of you now. All 17 years of your life. Yes, I remember them all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I was almost 40 when I started the show. But yes, go ahead.

[Bean Dip]

No,

[Nana]

that can't be true because why are your legs still little boy sized?

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I mean, look, that's just a product, a byproduct of my unfortunate medical situation. But no, I, I, I have been alive for a little bit of time before that. But it's, you know, we reconnected and now I'm here for the squeezes. So open up those loving arms and let's get going.

[Nana]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gross.

[Nana]

Ew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ew. Why are you slimy?

[Nana]

Feels like a chicken, smells like a chicken.

[Austin]

Boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

God. Smell like a fireplace after it hasn't been cleaned for 80 years.

[Nana]

That's enough. I smoke cigarettes. That's why. Yes, and if you were cool, you'd smoke too.

[Scott Aukerman]

I noticed you're wearing a leather jacket.

[Nana]

And, and on the back it says if you were cool, you'd smoke too. And then under that, it says, if you can read this, the bitch fell off. I don't have a motorcycle yet, but I'm saving up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I can read it. And I guess the bitch did fall off.

[Nana]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's.

[Nana]

Cause I used to give my neighbor Helen a little piggyback ride to the grocery store.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see.

[Nana]

Okay, so people around the cul de Sac know what it means.

[Scott Aukerman]

I understand. Well, Nana, I. It means the world to me that you are spending this very important anniversary with us.

[Nana]

Happy boo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fees.

[Tony]

17.

[Scott Aukerman]

What an odd number. Is it a prime number? I think it might be, actually.

[Nana]

That's the chickenitis kicking in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh, oh. Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm falling asleep again. We gotta get to our next guest. Can you stick around for a little bit, Nana?

[Nana]

Of course. I'd love to. Happy birthday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Well, we, we do need to. Our next guest. Let me turn my head slightly to look at who's here and. Oh, what's that music, Young Scott?

[Yoda]

It is I, your close friend, Yoda Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my gosh. Yoda have we ever spoken before?

[Yoda]

I think we might have spoken once.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe about a year ago or something.

[Yoda]

Yeah, I probably stopped by once.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Yoda]

Scott. May the fourth be with you. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is May 4th when this episode is coming out.

[Yoda]

It is also Scottish. Happy 17th birthday, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. I mean, if in order of importance, I would say Happy 17th Birthday, and then may the 4th be with you, Scott.

[Yoda]

Yes, absolutely. Young nubile, young baby boy Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Again, I was 40 when this show started. 17 years ago.

[Yoda]

I don't believe that at all. I mean, look at your face. Wrinkleless. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Yoda]

You smell like a wet diaper, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I think that's Nana, actually.

[Yoda]

Oh, that meant Nana.

[Nana]

Hello.

[Seals]

Oh, wow.

[Yoda]

She's. Jesus Christ. We can lose the music, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm gonna do a tasteful fade out. Do you mind?

[Yoda]

Tasteful it was, Scott. Yes, tasteful it was. Now, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Yoda. You speak backwards.

[Yoda]

Backwards I speak? Sometimes.

[Bill Walton]

When?

[Scott Aukerman]

Remember it. Yoda does.

[Yoda]

If you remember in the movies, it really isn't every sentence he said no.

[Scott Aukerman]

In fact, in Empire Strikes Back, it kind of.

[Yoda]

He almost never does it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But then the more we grew to love Yoda, the more he just had. It was like my thing. I guess this is grew to love me.

[Yoda]

You did?

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you met my nana? Over here.

[Nana]

Hello. I'm well familiar with the way you speak, because I love Geoparty.

[Yoda]

What the hell is that?

[Nana]

What is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you mean to say the GOP Party?

[Nana]

Geoparty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Yoda]

What's Geo Party?

[Nana]

It's a game show in which you answer as a question.

[Yoda]

Ah, that's interesting. I don't think I'm necessarily turning my sentences into questions.

[Nana]

What is Yoda?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's more Jeopardy.

[Nana]

Yes. Geoparty.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's more Geoparty. I understand. If I thought that was a Canadian

[Yoda]

geopty, I would say something like. I would say Yoda. What is.

[Scott Aukerman]

You would say something like. If you were going the other way, it would be like this Tom Hanks movie was all about a grumpy neighbor.

[Yoda]

All about a grumpy old neighbor. This Tom Pex movie was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And then you'd say, what is a Man Called Otto?

[Yoda]

You watch Jeopardy, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have on occasion, sure. I mean, I'm not constantly not.

[Yoda]

Do you sit there and answer the questions, but you don't put them in the form of a question? So clearly you're cheating, but you feel like you're actually doing really well?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I tried to do it within the form of the question.

[Yoda]

I don't believe you. Scott Cool off is always texting me. Like, Scott's such a fucking smartass. Sitting. Answering the questions. And also when he watches, he pauses it and goes, hold on. I know it.

[Seals]

I know.

[Yoda]

It's like you can't pause it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can pause it during Final Jeopardy.

[Yoda]

Okay, but they have like, what, 30 seconds where the song plays.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Yoda]

And you gotta pause it. Just let the song play.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know.

[Nana]

If they have to listen to the song, so should. So should you as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess it could distract one anyway. What?

[Yoda]

Think you're better? Think you're better than the song?

[Scott Aukerman]

You are.

[Yoda]

Yoda.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you doing here?

[Yoda]

Scott there's been a disturbance in the Force.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's true.

[Yoda]

Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell me what's going on in the Force. I haven't really been keeping up with the Force.

[Yoda]

You haven't been keeping up with the Force?

[Seals]

Scott.

[Austin]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, Michael Jackson once said, the Force don't stop, keep on.

[Yoda]

Why did he say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Yoda]

What the hell was he talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think he was talking about the literal Force because Star wars was out by then.

[Yoda]

Interesting. Did he want to be in Star wars like he wanted to be Peter Pan?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, he made Captain eo. So does that answer your question?

[Yoda]

I think it does answer my answering question.

[Nana]

I've heard that Michael Jackson's ashes are rolling around in BB8.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Nana]

That was his final wish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that why you hear sort of like a Shamon. Shamon.

[Nana]

Exactly.

[Yoda]

Scott. There's been a disturbance in the Force. Of course, Disney is reeling right now. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would Disney be reeling? They're a very popular company.

[Yoda]

Well, of course, they've had to dump their SORA deal. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes, I heard about this about a month ago.

[Yoda]

Generative AI. Of course they had to dump that.

[Seals]

But.

[Yoda]

But the real thing they're struggling with, Scott, is the Bachelorette. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's about a month ago the Bachelorette was canceled. Yes.

[Yoda]

Taylor, Frankie, Paul. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Yoda]

Threw a chair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that, by the way, when you say that, is that a Yodaism? You're saying it backwards, or is that.

[Yoda]

Yes, I'm actually reading her name like I would read it in a phone book, but you're hearing it normal.

[Nana]

But her name is Taylor Frankie Polska.

[Bill Walton]

Yes, it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's got three first names of men.

[Nana]

Taylor, Frankie Polska.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh,

[Yoda]

yes, of course. She was pulled from the air her entire season of the Bachelorette. Pulled.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Yoda]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

This was entertainment news from last March.

[Yoda]

It's true. Scott. But Disney is still reeling. Scott. But they figured it out. Scott. Of course they were gonna lose billions of dollars on the Bachelorette franchise.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think that's true, but go ahead.

[Yoda]

Billions and billions of dollars of ad revenue.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so.

[Yoda]

Marketing and merchandising.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Merchant. Do they have merch?

[Yoda]

They have little toys. Little Taylor, Frankie Paul.

[Scott Aukerman]

Frankie Paul.

[Bean Dip]

Scott Toys.

[Nana]

Every R.O. supermarket is Bachelorette merch.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had no idea.

[Yoda]

You didn't know that? Scott. They were license.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even the ones they sell off by the highway.

[Nana]

Even those ones.

[Yoda]

Those counterfeit. But they, you know, they still count.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Yoda]

I will be replacing Taylor Frankie Paul as the next Bachelorette. Scott.

[Austin]

Really?

[Nana]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, Yoda, I had always assumed that you were gendered as male, but I guess. Why? I, you know, the aliens maybe don't even have gender.

[Yoda]

Assuming makes ass out of you and me. It does.

[Nana]

Reading this. The fell off. She did.

[Yoda]

No, Scott. I of course transcend gender.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott. Do you? Okay. I, you know, honestly, I had wondered every time that I watched these Star wars movies. You're in, you know you're in Star wars movies.

[Yoda]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm in those Star wars movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I. I'd been wondering which ones have I in?

[Yoda]

Let's see. I'm here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely the second one. The second one. Third one.

[Yoda]

Probably all the prequels.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the prequels. And then you're out.

[Yoda]

I believe I'm in the Last Jedi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You're a force.

[Yoda]

I show up as a force. Ghost in the last. Love that it was two days on set. Really fun stuff. Great guys.

[Boobs Rinse]

Love Ryan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love improving with everyone.

[Yoda]

Love chopping it up with the GPS and stuff.

[Nana]

Sure. What other movies have you been in?

[Yoda]

Ghost.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were in Ghost?

[Yoda]

I was in Ghost. Of course they cut. They cut some of the parts, but anytime something goes floating. I was using the parts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it all the famous ghosts appeared in Ghost?

[Yoda]

I was in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

There. Yeah.

[Yoda]

You know who else? Casper was there. Oh, another famous ghost. Ghost Face Killer was there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Ghost face was there.

[Bill Walton]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was dropping some bars.

[Seals]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Yoda]

It's in the special edition, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now you're willing to date 35, 45, 55, 65 year old women. Year old women. Because there's one right here.

[Yoda]

Absolutely not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's 65 plus 30?

[Yoda]

Absolutely not. Scott. All the people I'm dating range between 20 and like 26.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but you're hundreds if not thousands of years old. This isn't an episode of age of. What is that Netflix show Age of consent.

[Nana]

Age of attraction.

[Scott Aukerman]

Age of attraction. A very different show. Age of consent.

[Yoda]

You seem to be obsessed with age of consent. You say it all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Nana]

You keep muttering under your breath. How can I get in there? How can I get in there?

[Yoda]

Age of consent. What's the age of consent, Scott? I'm willing to date. First of all, I famously have been single for a really long time, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. I watched these Star wars movies and you'd think you would. There would be like one scene where you arrive at a premiere or something with like a female Yoda yaddle on

[Yoda]

my arm and just taking pictures. And I'm like, this is.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is in front of the step and repeat.

[Yoda]

And I'm like, turn around, let him see your butt. That kind of thing. But no, Scott, no yaddle. Did not fuck with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Okay, so you. Are you single by choice or.

[Yoda]

I'm an incel, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, incel.

[Yoda]

I am. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I understand.

[Yoda]

Involuntarily. Never fucked, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never had sex. You're a virgin.

[Yoda]

I a virgin. I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have genitals? Can you fuck, Scott? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Yoda]

Is it this kind of show, Scott, where you ask about people's genitals?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're right, it's not that.

[Yoda]

Did you ask your nana about her genitals?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I can. Nana, do you have genitals?

[Nana]

I wouldn't dare.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you milk me?

[Yoda]

I do have genitals, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do. And they're. They're the approximate.

[Yoda]

Jesus.

[Scott Aukerman]

This size, incredibly inappropriate shape of a human.

[Nana]

I've got a vagina. Her nickname is Genital Aniston.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does she have the Rachel cut those to labia lips?

[Yoda]

That's really interesting. I have a dick. It's named Brad dick.

[Nana]

What's yours? Scott called. See, I'm talking like Yoda.

[Yoda]

What's yours? Scott called.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You are.

[Nana]

He can't answer because he doesn't have.

[Yoda]

He doesn't want to talk about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have the parts is what I'm trying to ascertain. I have the parts.

[Yoda]

Have shot the entire season, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You shot the entire season.

[Yoda]

It's in the bank. Of course. We took the last month to shoot this thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Yoda]

And Scott, I'm here to tell you. Little preview. I'm engaged, Scott. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got engaged.

[Yoda]

I talked to Neil Lane. I got. I got the ring.

[Scott Aukerman]

That guy's plastic surgery is so subtle, isn't it?

[Yoda]

It's really interesting because he was. He Was missing for a couple seasons. And then I was like, where's Neil's late?

[Seals]

Neil Lane?

[Yoda]

Then he comes back and he looks like. Let's see, he looks like, like, you

[Scott Aukerman]

know in those movies when they're trying to strangle someone so they put Saran Wrap over their face. Yeah.

[Yoda]

I start to pop out just a little bit. Yeah. Neil. Neil Lane looks really up. But he hooked me up with a great ring. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, congratulations. So the show, you have to trust the process.

[Yoda]

Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you. Who are you? Do you mind dropping a hint? It's not Darth Vader, is it?

[Yoda]

Absolutely not. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Yoda]

Darth Vader was the first in the first batch of people to go home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good.

[Yoda]

He came and of course he got out of the car and he walked over to me and he did a little force choke. And I was like, what the hell? He was like, oh, do you like that? And I was like, this is like, inappropriate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you gotta have boundaries.

[Yoda]

I didn't think it was cute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, they, they, they intentionally cast this show with, with, you know, there's a

[Yoda]

couple of freaks that come out in the first couple minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Yeah. So he got rid of Darth Vader.

[Yoda]

Got rid of Darth Vader. Oppo Rancisis came out. I was like, this guy's way too hairy for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, who's the guy? Dooku. He's where? His name sounds like Dookie.

[Yoda]

Count Dooku was not there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Yoda]

Famously killed Yaddle.

[Seals]

So I don't fuck with him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Right. Who's the robot who has, like, forearms and shit like that?

[Yoda]

Oh, that's, that's General Grievous. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Grievous, yes.

[Yoda]

And he collects lightsabers. Scott. So I. He wasn't there.

[Scott Aukerman]

He wasn't.

[Yoda]

But he did come to visit to give me some advice. One of those days. He was like, hey, I want to talk to you about. Just open yourself up to these people.

[Scott Aukerman]

And did you go to like a football field where they toss the ball around?

[Yoda]

We went to a football field and I was like, today's challenge. And they're like, challenge?

[Seals]

What are we talking about?

[Yoda]

I'm like, I need you guys to tackle each other as hard as possible. It's going to be really weird. Someone's going to get injured and somehow it's going to make me fall in love.

[Nana]

Did you have them try stand up comedy?

[Yoda]

Oh, yeah, we had them try stand up.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was.

[Yoda]

I said, said this is going to be the crowd work exercise where you don't have Anything planned, but I want you to get up there. It was very cringe, very inappropriate.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then one of the bachelors just made jokes about the person he hated who was one of his competitions.

[Yoda]

And then another one went up there and just, like, put his legs up on the wall and started twerking and said, is this funny? Is this funny?

[Nana]

And then, of course, the girl who cried because she had too much stage fright ended up winning the roles. And of course, even though she was the least.

[Yoda]

I felt so bad. I felt so bad for. I was like, hey, hey, let me talk to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what?

[Yoda]

You're gonna get the rose. And I gave her the rose. And of course, she decided to go home because she said, I don't want to date a little guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Did. Did your size factor into the decision making process?

[Yoda]

Well, a lot of people were uncomfortable carrying me around like a little teddy bear, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Yoda]

But embarrassed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was Grogu style.

[Yoda]

Grogu style. I didn't like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Did you ever get in a backpack or anything like that?

[Yoda]

I got in a couple backpacks, and I was. I was showing people how to jump over rocks and stuff like that. And it was cute for a bit. We atv, of course. And I was hanging on for dear life while a woman rode an ATV through the mud.

[Nana]

You can read this. The sith fell off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you use any. Any of your zapped powers to, like, you know, take their bras off or anything?

[Nana]

What's wrong with you?

[Scott Aukerman]

You have zapped powers, don't you?

[Yoda]

Trying to cancel me. You are Taylor. Frankie. I had to go in on my back best behavior, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know? No, of course. Yeah. But is there anything in your past in. In these Star wars movies that they can go like, oh, look, he had a. He had a lightsaber battle with this person, so.

[Yoda]

Well, Scott, I famously hid the fact that the Jedi Council had lost their connection to the Force in the prequel. One of my biggest shames.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't remember any of this.

[Yoda]

It's famously the reason I went into exile. I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

So stupid.

[Nana]

Tell us about the Boom Boom Room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, tell us about the Boom Boom Room.

[Yoda]

Well, of course. Fantasy. So Sweets was very fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Yoda]

I. I went up to one of the bachelor. One of the eligible bachelorettes. Of course, there were men and women there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good.

[Yoda]

And I said, hey, it's gotten really weird now on the show because obviously there's been a lot of weird sex stuff on this, but we're not gonna drink today. I'm gonna slide over a key to you, and I'm gonna say, hey, want to meet me upstairs for the fantasy suite? And when we get up there, I will be tweaking your nipples with the force. And they all said yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

They all said, good. Okay.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Yoda]

And I did have to say to the second one, I was like, hey, just so you know, I did tweak the nipples of the first girl who I went into the fantasy tweets with. I just want to be open and honest with you. Trust the process. You should. And of course, she was absolutely cool with it. I went up there, tweaked the nipples with the Force. It was great.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is male and female people.

[Yoda]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Nana]

And how much of the sex are you kind of delegating to the Force?

[Yoda]

Pretty much all of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you have a tiny Yoda penis, I would imagine.

[Yoda]

Okay, Scott. Scott, come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you can. But I. I bet you can make the Force, like, in there just, like, pump away.

[Yoda]

I can absolutely make the Force pump away, Scott. And of course, when I shoot my midichlorians all over their chest, it is. It's fun for them, but, yeah, it's fun for them. I do use hyper crystals. I do use the Force to sort of like, create a force field around my tiny little dick so it feels like it's a little bit bigger.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So instead of one inch, it's maybe one and a half.

[Yoda]

It's like three. Hey, I'm strong with the Force gun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So mean to suggest otherwise.

[Yoda]

Three inches is big, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, for Yoda's Nana, three inches

[Yoda]

is big, is it not?

[Nana]

Oh, three inches is huge compared to what Scooty's got.

[Yoda]

I mean, come on, Nana. Thank God.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did used to change me back.

[Nana]

Yes, I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Years ago.

[Nana]

I changed you many years in a row, and things never matured.

[Scott Aukerman]

That happens, Scott. Especially when you first get to know me when I'm in my 40s.

[Yoda]

Scott. The new thing that we're doing on the. The franchise is, of course, I'm supposed to recruit my replacement. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Yoda]

And I was wondering, do you want to be the next Bachelor? Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Yoda]

First podcasting Bachelor.

[Scott Aukerman]

The first podcasting bachelor.

[Nana]

This would be huge for the French fries.

[Yoda]

It would be huge for the French.

[Scott Aukerman]

For the French fries.

[Yoda]

You too will be. Scott.

[Nana]

What do you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I never dreamed that I would even be thought of as someone who could pull this up. But, of course, I. I'm very honored. I. Scott. Yes.

[Yoda]

You will find love. You must trust the process. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, does it matter that I'm happily married. And. No, it doesn't.

[Bill Walton]

Absolutely not.

[Yoda]

Most of the people going on there have secret relationships, stuff like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. Yeah.

[Yoda]

Scott, are there any videos of you. You wearing, like, a Hitler uniform at, like, a birthday party or not at a birthday party?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the bad part of that?

[Yoda]

I think you're clear. As long as it's at a birthday party, I think you should be totally fine.

[Nana]

We're jumping in a little fast because he's never been a contestant. So, Scooty, if you were a contestant and you came out of the limousine, what would you say to the mate?

[Yoda]

That's a great question.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Yes. So I would try to figure out something about Yoda. So I would. Would go back into the movies and kind of go, okay, let's see.

[Yoda]

What do I think about? I hate these things. I call them stupid.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like the first three.

[Yoda]

Sure, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I would think, okay, so Yoda, what do we know about him? He obviously lied about the Jedi Council,

[Yoda]

of course, losing connection to the force of the prequels, obviously.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huge part, big part that we know. Oh, order 80. No, no, nine.

[Yoda]

60.

[Scott Aukerman]

70.

[Yoda]

Order 66, Scott. 66. Get your kicks on order 66.

[Scott Aukerman]

There. Maybe there's something there. Like, hey, is your name Route 66? Because I'm about to order 66.

[Nana]

I've got a better one. Something, something. 66. Why not 69?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Yoda]

I don't know if I would like you bringing up the order that killed all the Jedi. Hey, quite possibly one of the worst

[Scott Aukerman]

moments of my entire order 66. Add three to that, and maybe we have something going on.

[Nana]

Yeah, but you have to do. You have to say what it equals.

[Yoda]

Like 69. I do. Would probably laugh, give high five. I would, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

But maybe turn away and there'd be a tear rolling.

[Yoda]

A little tear. Like the commercial with the native person where they're throwing trash on the ground. Sure, of course.

[Seals]

Yes.

[Yoda]

Yeah, that might work, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

That might work.

[Yoda]

And now, if you were the bachelor yourself, Scott, what would you do in your opening package? Would you be showing you doing a fun podcast with Adam, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, usually, I mean, it's people running down the beach.

[Yoda]

Oh, yeah. You'd have to be running and working out, looking out a window. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would probably. They would. They would probably film me working out for the first time and me getting very out of breath.

[Nana]

Be careful, Scott. You know the doctor advised you don't run on the beach.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Nana]

He's got chickenitis, so the bones are so fragile, they'll Dig into the sand and snap clean off.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. My legs will just.

[Yoda]

Chickenitis you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have chickenitis. Is that gonna be a problem with the Bachelorette?

[Yoda]

Not good. That is.

[Nana]

Maybe your intro could be. I'm Scott Halkerman. I've got chickenitis, but I'm still the cock of the walk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, this is not bad.

[Yoda]

You're always spitting, Nana. Spitting hot bars over there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So do you. Do I have a shot, Scott?

[Yoda]

I. A shot you might have, but honestly, I think you might do better on the beach, Scott. Bachelor in paradise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Yoda]

Where it gets all sloppy, you eat a bunch of nachos, drink, and then sexually harass people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I can do that.

[Yoda]

You can do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can eat nachos. Yeah.

[Yoda]

I need to ask you a question, Scott.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Yoda]

Trust the process. You do.

[Scott Aukerman]

I suppose I trust the process, Nana. Should I trust the process?

[Nana]

If you're gonna go on the beach, boy, you better wear snowshoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Can I bring my snowshoes?

[Yoda]

I'll allow it, Scott. Allow it. I will, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Wow. I mean, sounds like we have a deal.

[Yoda]

Sorry, I misspoke for a second. I meant to say allow it. I will, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you very much. Yes. Okay, well, I'm in.

[Yoda]

This is gonna be great for your whole social media presence, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm not thinking about that. Wink, wink, wink, wink.

[Yoda]

All the be doing for, like, you know, weird deodorant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, deodorant. Monkey deodorant.

[Yoda]

Mud deodorant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mud deodorant.

[Yoda]

Did you realize that actually, the fact that you're wearing actual deodorant is making you smell like wear mud under your arms? You should, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I think we have a deal. I mean, and. And you. Congratulations to you. I mean, it sounds like you're in a great relationship. Is there some sort of, like, force wedding that's going to happen or.

[Yoda]

Force wedding? Scott, don't be stupid. Are you a fucking idiot?

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize. I don't know these.

[Yoda]

We're doing a midichlorian ceremony, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God, yes. Is this gonna be in the Mandalorian and Grogu movie that's coming out here?

[Yoda]

Big wedding scene, right? Like 30 minutes in. Everyone's invited, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Yoda]

It'll be great. Darth Maul will be there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maul will be there.

[Yoda]

It's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wearing his bug legs or whatever happened in the Clone Wars.

[Yoda]

He will be wearing his bug legs, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

One of the craziest things to happen.

[Yoda]

Nana, you get it.

[Nana]

I understand it all Can Nana come?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can she be my plus one?

[Nana]

Please let me come. I'm dying to see a Sith Lord with bug legs.

[Yoda]

Nana, if you're trying to come, I don't think I can do that for you anymore. I'm engaged. Come on now.

[Nana]

Come on now. Hey o.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey o.

[Nana]

Or should I say O?

[Yoda]

A O A.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Yoda, congratulations to you and I look forward to seeing you on the beach. I'm sure you're gonna come by.

[Yoda]

You think? I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome. Yur I think is welcome yore.

[Yoda]

Whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, but. And Nana, you thank Scott.

[Yoda]

You thanks Scott. And may the 4th be with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

May the 4th be with us all. And may the 17th anniversary be with everyone.

[Nana]

Happy birthday, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Nana.

[Yoda]

We're gonna take a to you Happy bir birthday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want me to start your music back up again? By the way, why don't you start

[Yoda]

it up while I sing Happy Birthday.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go.

[Yoda]

Do you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Scott to you. Happy birthday. Are you now how old? Okay, we can slow it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we're gonna take a break. We have so many guests coming through here. We're gonna take a little bit of break a lip. Just a little bit of break.

[Yoda]

Break off a little break.

[Scott Aukerman]

Break off a little bit of break. This is the 17th anniversary episode of Comedy Bang Bang. We're gonna be right back after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence. Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer, and get paid all in one place. I hate going to a separate place to get paid. Now you can get paid right there at Squarespace. Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services and get paid. With built in scheduling, invoicing and email tools, you can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates. No experience needed. Plus, built in SEO helps fans and clients find you while custom domains keep your brand polished and secure. Showcase videos, promote events, or even monetize content. Everything is designed to help you grow your audience and your business. Check out squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Aura Frame is the perfect Mother's Day gift to capture the chaos that you put her through and the Memories that came with it make a meaningful impression with a gift that feels personal from the very first moment. Photos can be preloaded before the frame ship so it arrives already filled with favorite memories. And a custom message can be added to create an extra special unboxing experience. Thoughtful, ready to enjoy. Uniquely tailored, it is a gift that instantly feels one of a kind. Now, I have said this before. I'm glad Aura's back. I think it is the greatest invention since gps. It's a frame that basically you just upload pictures to and they constantly cycle through every minute. Every couple of minutes, you look over at the frame, there's another couple of pictures there that you, you took. And you're always, it's, it's a conversation piece. You're always like, oh, look. To remember that. I cannot tell you how many times a day we're gathering people over and going saying, hey, look at this. Do you remember when you were young like that? This is for a baby, not for your mother. Although I guess you could say it to your mother. It is a great, great gift. The best gift that I have given. It's named number one by Wirecutter. So you can save on the gifts moms love by visiting auraframes.com for a limited time. Listeners can get $25 off their best selling Carver mat frame with code Bang Bang. So what that is is auraframes.com auraframes.com promo code Bang Bang. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Your outdoor space should feel like you right? But it can take a long time to get there. Now we have an outdoor space here at our house down out in the backyard. And before Wayfair, we didn't have any chairs there. People, they came, they either stood or they, they had to stand on their, their head or their hands doing handstands the entire time. And that can get exhausting when you're just trying to have a few canapes, you know, just trying to pass the cav around caviar and, you know, we had to get some. Well, enter Wayfair now. Whether your vibe is modern coastal farmhouse or eclectic, Wayfair has the pieces to create an outdoor space that is uniquely yours. We got some chairs out for the backyard and people are finally thanking us. Oh, I'm not exhausted anymore. When you, when we come over to your place. Oh, wow, my, my tushy actually feels comforted and cradled by these chairs. I mean, they're just saying they're sitting on the chairs, but look, these are comfortable chairs. I Love them now. With filters, customer reviews and visual tools that help you actually imagine how the item will look in your space, Wayfair makes it simple to narrow down to what works for your style and your budget. From everything it's we they have everything from outdoor seating and grills to lighting and decorating or look, Wayfair is your one stop shop for home. I hate stopping at more than one stop when I'm shop. Installation and assembly services are available to create a truly seamless experience. And look. If you want an even faster shortcut to the good stuff, shop. Wayfair verified products that their team of specialists have vetted by with their own hands using a 10 point quality inspection. Get prepped for patio season for way less head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that is W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style every home Comedy Bang Bang 17th anniversary episode. Wow, what a an incredible anniversary. It's already been with Nana and Yoda. Nana had to leave it. Yoda, you're still here. Or still here. You are still here. I am. Scott. Yes, of course.

[Seals]

Back.

[Yoda]

We are, Scott. Like we never left.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott. Yeah, thinking I'm back. I am.

[Yoda]

I'm thinking I'm back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Just doing away with it. Hey, sometimes.

[Yoda]

Listen, if I do it all the time, I'm going to sound like an idiot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott. Yeah, I understand.

[Yoda]

Yoda don't want to sound dumb.

[Nana]

I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course not. So, so gratifying to have you here, Yoda.

[Yoda]

Gratifying?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Yoda]

I've never heard it described that way. So it's gratifying to have me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is gratifying to me to have you here. Yes.

[Yoda]

Scott. Touched.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am well that this is me poking you.

[Yoda]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

To get you to shut up.

[Yoda]

Stop, Stop. You shut up.

[Tony]

All right.

[Yoda]

Don't like this. I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, let me get to our next guest. This is incredible. He's entering the first Timers club on Comedy Bang Bang. He is a major musician who has, I would imagine must have at least one number one single top ten albums. I'm guessing. I really don't know. But please welcome to the show for the first time. Seals.

[Seals]

He thinks. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, great to see you. By the way, I want to see you. I want to clarify, I did not say Seal, right? AKA Kiss from a rose.

[Seals]

The Acne Scar guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, he would love to be known as the musician, but.

[Seals]

Yeah, that's right. He does sing to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you think that when Seal first came on the scene, people Just like stared at his acne scars and.

[Seals]

I mean, that's what I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, he was singing the entire time.

[Seals]

I was like, why is this guy famous?

[Scott Aukerman]

We. We can't all.

[Seals]

He got to meet Batman.

[Scott Aukerman]

He did get to me. But look, the Joker got to meet Batman. He had scars. So maybe Batman just has a thing for guys with scars.

[Seals]

Yeah, you think?

[Yoda]

Seal ever since said, do you want to know how I got these scars?

[Seals]

Who's this little guy?

[Yoda]

Yoda.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yoda's over here. Yoda. He is.

[Seals]

Hey, man, I don't know if people say this to you loud, but you kind of smell like a fish tank.

[Yoda]

It's true. I got that rotten little fishy smell.

[Seals]

Are you from a swamp?

[Yoda]

The swamps of Dagobah.

[Seals]

Of course. Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. Where are you from, seals? You're from Florida, probably. If I had to guess or because.

[Seals]

Because of the soft rock. Yeah, no, I get that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

If I had to say where I was from, I probably say that, you know, I'm from Sydney, Texas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that makes sense. Okay.

[Seals]

But then I do, of course, I developed a soft rock accent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, of course. Yes. Now you were in a.

[Seals]

Right now. Yes, I live in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Seals]

And I'm 79 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're saying all of this as if it's a surprise to you.

[Seals]

No, it should be a surprise to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. It is a surprise to me. I knew neither.

[Seals]

Like, did you even know? My spouse's name is Ruby Jean Anderson. We got married in 1970.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had no.

[Seals]

We have three children and my brother's England. Dan of England. Dan and John Ford Coley.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now that I did know, that's a. A very unique bit of yacht rock trivia.

[Seals]

Do you know my cousins names?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I don't.

[Seals]

Brady and Troy.

[Yoda]

This guy really is seal.

[Scott Aukerman]

You passed the test, Seals. Now seals, you.

[Seals]

Summer breeze sure makes me feel fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is one of your most famous songs. When I say your most famous songs, I mean you own half of it, I guess.

[Seals]

Yeah, I guess now own all of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because you were in a group called Seals and Crofts. That's right. And Crofts. Unfortunately, he grew up Crofted. We don't mean to laugh at the he Crofts. Of course, when you say crofted. He passed away recently.

[Seals]

Well, I said crufted.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you said crufted?

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Yoda]

Why?

[Seals]

It's the past tense of Crofts. That means he's no longer with us.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is. No, he is no longer with us. You guys had a. A great partnership that lasted many decades.

[Seals]

Man, we really did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You sang Summer Breeze. Other songs.

[Seals]

Diamond Girl. You remember that song?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not really.

[Seals]

You don't remember Diamond Girl?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I'm presuming it's about a girl who either looks like a diamond or likes diamond so much about that

[Seals]

lady from the X Men.

[Scott Aukerman]

Emma Frost.

[Seals]

Is that who it was?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes.

[Seals]

She had diamond hard skin diamond hard

[Scott Aukerman]

skin but then she would lose her telepathy.

[Seals]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

She had to pick one or the other.

[Seals]

I didn't know that about her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I didn't know this about your. Your wife's name.

[Seals]

Yeah. And you know the song Get Closer?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't really do. Can you sing, darling?

[Seals]

If you want to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do you.

[Seals]

Sorry. You don't have to dismiss me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll let you. I'll let you cook. Here you go.

[Seals]

Closer to you. I'm done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Is that how long your concerts would be? You would just sing half the chorus and say, I'm done.

[Seals]

Fun sometimes. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, we're older gentlemen.

[Seals]

We're older gentlemen now. I'm the only older gentleman.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. My, my. My sympathies are with you. Croft Crufted is no longer. No longer with us. And so I. One has to ask, what are your plans now in music? Do you think that you're going to find another partnership?

[Seals]

I've been looking for people with the name Crofts.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's going to be a tough one. I. I've only heard of one in my. Well, Lara Croft. But that's just the Croft.

[Seals]

Yeah, and then there's Sid and Marty Croft, but they spell it with a K. And also they're even older. I can't rely on those guys if Lara. Because they would count two crops.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two, Two.

[Seals]

Two crops makes a crops. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So maybe you could do that. You could find Lara Croft and another Croft. Famous Crofts. I'm going to look this up.

[Seals]

If I get two fake people. Is there a real Lara Croft? Is she based on an actual historical person?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so, but dang. Oh. We have a former British tennis player, Annabelle Croft, actor Sebastian Croft, and mystery author Freeman Willis Croft. Crofts.

[Seals]

So what?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Seals]

A guy with the name already Crofts.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. A mystery author.

[Seals]

Oh, so no one knows who he is?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have some bad news for you.

[Seals]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Born 1879. Oh, and is he crafting? He crafted back in 19. Back in 1957. He, by the way, was a railway engineer by training. And he introduced railway Themes into many of his stories.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe you could have incorporated that into your music.

[Seals]

Yeah, like Railroad girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that. Is that a girl who travels by train a lot?

[Seals]

She's made of railroads.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's made of railroads.

[Seals]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry that. That Freeman Willis Croft is no longer with us. But the.

[Tony]

The.

[Scott Aukerman]

The hunt continues. Oh, Dash Crofts.

[Boobs Rinse]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your crops. From Seals of Crops.

[Seals]

That's a low blow, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tough stuff.

[Seals]

That was not cool.

[Yoda]

Insensitive. That was.

[Scott Aukerman]

I should have known when I saw.

[Seals]

That was not. You can't imagine how excited I got. There's another Cross. And he's a Dash Cross.

[Yoda]

Stood up. He did. Ready to run out.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was. Oh, I'm so, so sorry.

[Seals]

Hey, man, why do you talk that way?

[Yoda]

Long story. It is.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is about the extent of the Crofts out there.

[Seals]

Do you think somebody would legally change their name to Cross?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, what if you changed your name to Crofts and then you got Seal?

[Seals]

Just one seal. You don't understand. We're double plural team. It's not steel and crop. It's Seals and Crofts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe he could get a seal from the zoo. And so it was two seals.

[Seals]

A zoo animal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Yoda]

Think this is a joke.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. I know.

[Seals]

Get closer. It's gonna sound good.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't even know what Seal's voice sounds like.

[Seals]

Probably like a guy who's like, my acne scars. Don't look at me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. I don't have any solutions for this. But someone might be able to Will. You know is. Who's your favorite singer that you wish could change their name to Crofts?

[Seals]

That's a great question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it really?

[Seals]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, that's a good question. It's good. You have to admit that.

[Seals]

Of all the singers in the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

It's not history because we're almost somebody alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You want someone who's currently alive and currently willing to go down to the DMV and change their name.

[Seals]

Can't stop thinking about if that mystery author could sing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet he could.

[Seals]

Do you think so?

[Scott Aukerman]

I wonder if he's related to your old partner, Dash.

[Seals]

He never said he had mystery in his blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, so maybe not. Yeah. What a. What a name. Dash, by the way.

[Seals]

I know. He's pretty cool dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Did he get that? Was that a nickname from. Did he ever run the 440?

[Seals]

No. His mother was Mrs. Dash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? You don't say. A seasoning lady.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm learning so much about when she

[Seals]

changed her name to Crofts. They named him. It's gonna keep it in the family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it. This makes sense now.

[Seals]

Dash Crofts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Okay. I'm learning so much about your musical group that I never cared to know before. It's incredible.

[Seals]

Why did you never care to know it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, because I'd heard. I mean, I'd certainly heard your songs, but it never inspired me to say, like, oh, I want to learn more about these guys, you know?

[Seals]

Why. Why are you saying the music was

[Scott Aukerman]

good enough for me?

[Seals]

Okay. Pretty good spin at the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

The music was the way it. At the end of a sentence, the

[Seals]

way you phrase the other parts, like, I didn't care to know any more about them. Makes me feel bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm really sorry. And this is your. This is your first time on the show.

[Seals]

You weren't even curious that we were double plural team?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that was heavily implied in the name Seals Ann Crofts.

[Seals]

Yeah, but that. That doesn't intrigue you? Like, I gotta know more about these guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I mean. Okay, tell me more. Like, why do every show we would

[Seals]

feature on the stage behind us? I would have multiple seals behind me across one of multiple Crofts.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, wait, so you were. You were scoffing at me for suggesting that seal bring a zoo animal seal, but you had a bunch of seals behind you?

[Seals]

Did I say zoo animal seals? I don't think I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

So these are seals from the.

[Seals]

Do you know that the word seal has more than one meaning?

[Scott Aukerman]

There are Easter seals?

[Seals]

Yeah, I had some of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you just had Easter seals behind you?

[Seals]

I had. Man, I don't know why you're attacking me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not attacking you. You're attacking me.

[Seals]

No, I'm not so proud. I mean, Alice Cooper, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think soft rock, there's a lot of passive aggressiveness.

[Seals]

Yeah, that's the soft part.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like soft power.

[Seals]

Yeah,

[Scott Aukerman]

look, I.

[Seals]

Soft quitting.

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize. So you would have Easter seals behind you, and Crofts had Crofts behind him.

[Seals]

So many crafts behind him.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are Crofts?

[Seals]

Oh, how do I describe this?

[Yoda]

How to describe. They are.

[Seals]

It was a real 70s thing. Everybody's crazy for Crofts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And you're gonna have to be more specific than that.

[Seals]

Okay, okay, okay. I. I hear you. I hear you.

[Bill Walton]

All right.

[Seals]

Okay. So in the 70s, sure. Cross were all over the place.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Seals]

Everybody loved it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everybody loved it. We. This has been established. Sweet donation.

[Seals]

Like, if you walked into a coffee house, a bar, if you were smoking grass with someone, it would Be weird if there weren't Crofts around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it.

[Yoda]

Can walk 10ft without running into a crowd.

[Seals]

You couldn't swing a dead seal without hitting a Croft.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm still no closer to knowing what a craft is.

[Seals]

Okay, you gotta give me time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've given you a lot of rope.

[Seals]

Speaking of rope, if you made a net to catch Crofts, you'd be eating good. If you ate Cross, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

And is that possible? They're edible.

[Seals]

I wouldn't, but it's been done.

[Yoda]

Could get cross poisoning.

[Seals]

Cross poisoning.

[Scott Aukerman]

You could get risky.

[Yoda]

It is

[Bean Dip]

so.

[Seals]

So because Cross was so popular, he'd have a bunch of cross bites.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it. So, I mean, it's not unique to your band, because almost any group that you would see there would be Crofts. No, no.

[Seals]

We were the only. Out of respect. Because after the Yaga community was built on respect. People respect each other. Okay, yes, there was a lot of pass. Absolutely. And no, nobody liked Donald Fagan. But the important thing was, if your name was Crofts, no way was anybody else going to have Cross on their stage.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if your name was Crofts, no one would have Crofts on their stage

[Seals]

out of respect, because they respect you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so there were a lot of people named Crofts back then. Why don't you just get one of those?

[Seals]

No, what are you talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you talking about?

[Nana]

Crofts?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not listening. I'm sorry. Seals.

[Seals]

I'm Seals.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get your name Seals, by the way?

[Seals]

I was raised by seals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Easter seals.

[Seals]

No, zoo animals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? So look, I grew up in this. It's all right. All right, Seals.

[Seals]

I grew up in the zoo. That's how I got into music.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Seals.

[Seals]

My first instrument was the horn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Seals, I don't know how to solve your problems.

[Seals]

No, you don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put it out to your listeners, okay?

[Seals]

If your name is Crofts, if you and someone you love, you're both named Croft, Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

By marriage or by blood?

[Seals]

Blood. By marriage or by blood. Whatever it takes. Get in touch with me.

[Bill Walton]

Sure.

[Seals]

My name is Seals and I have to have a cross.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you live where now? You live in Nashville.

[Seals]

I live in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Scott Aukerman]

And your wife's name is what now?

[Seals]

Come on, man. I can't believe you don't remember this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. That I don't remember. Obviously you do.

[Seals]

So I feel like you like one in one ear after the other one. I tell you that my wife's name is Ruby Jean Anderson. We would be married since 1970. That's an amazing record in Y.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is prior to your fame as Seals and Crofts as well, I would imagine, right?

[Seals]

Well, just prior, yeah.

[Yoda]

Were there crops at your wedding?

[Seals]

There were so many Cross there of all kinds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beautiful.

[Seals]

Not close one. Not just the extended Cross family, but all the traditional Cross as well.

[Boobs Rinse]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about did what about the extended Crofts family? Maybe one of them is still kicking around. Did Crofts have any children?

[Seals]

The last one.

[Scott Aukerman]

The last of his lineage? Yeah.

[Seals]

There were no more Crofts after him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no idea. I have Yoda idea.

[Yoda]

You have idea? I have. What if you just paired up with Christopher Cross and you went by Seals and Cross?

[Seals]

Can I tell you something, man? Now, I know you're a little guy.

[Yoda]

Little guy. I am.

[Seals]

But I'd love to kick the out of you. Oh my God, if I had so many people suggested that to me. And what's worse, they suggested it to Christopher Cross and he won't get off my ass about it.

[Yoda]

Sensitive.

[Scott Aukerman]

It should be a super group. This sounds like the solution here. He wants to do it.

[Seals]

Half of Seals and Cross and all of Christopher Cross. Sounds like a super group to you?

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly.

[Seals]

Come on, man. Be realistic.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I. It sounds like I would go see it. Definitely.

[Seals]

You want to hear him singing Summer Breeze? Please make Me Feel and you can

[Scott Aukerman]

sing one of his.

[Seals]

What would that sound like? What? One of his dumb songs.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Arthur theme.

[Seals]

That song's dumb?

[Bill Walton]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, yeah, but still, it's almost all.

[Seals]

It's one flat line, man. You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what you mean, but it's just like.

[Seals]

It doesn't go anywhere. There's no peaks and valleys what he seizes until that he does what he seizes. Seize him. Arthur's famous catchphrase. Seize him, you scurvy knave. The thing is about Arthur's Theme is that it sucks until you get that sweet sax man. That's like a real Baker Street Jerry Rafferty sax. When that solo comes in, get the

[Scott Aukerman]

saxophone player from Jerry Rafferty Baker Street. And then you got a big super group there.

[Yoda]

Seals and Sacks.

[Seals]

Sacks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seal, Sacks and Cross.

[Seals]

What is this? I was going to say nice riddle.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what that is.

[Seals]

As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Seven wives at seven sacks. Seven sex and seven cats. Seven cats and seven kids. Kids, cats, sacks and wives. How many were going to St. Ives?

[Scott Aukerman]

All of them.

[Seals]

No one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Me.

[Seals]

I was going to say knives fell for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did, damn it.

[Seals]

You really did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did. Who's buried in Grant's tomb? Grant.

[Seals]

Now, a lot of. A lot of our shows would end with riddles, okay? We'd play our three big hits, and then we'd say, all right, everybody sit down. Crisscross. Applesauce.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chris Croft's applesauce.

[Yoda]

Come on.

[Seals]

I wish I thought of that. I wish I thought of that. And we. When. Then we'd ask riddles and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

[Seals]

It's fun because everybody was stoked. Stone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

On grass.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Yes. The thing that gets you the most. Stone.

[Seals]

People were taking Quaaludes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I, I, look, I, I hope that one of our listeners out there is named Crofts or willing to change their name to Crofts.

[Seals]

I need it, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

You need it? Because, I mean, look, what's the seals without a croft? I mean, I don't know. You've been great on this show today, though.

[Seals]

Hey, thanks, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to thank you for dropping by.

[Seals]

You think you can have me back?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Seals]

You said seemed qualified.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe during the tour.

[Seals]

I wouldn't be surprised. Wouldn't be surprised if I showed up late in the tour.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. Can you stick around, Seals?

[Seals]

Yeah. The funeral's not for another few hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Great. Oh, so it's happening right after the show today?

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Do you. Are you gonna speak?

[Seals]

Of course I am. Oh, and I'm gonna sing just my parts of the songs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what. What were your parts? What was the delineation between your parts and their. His parts.

[Seals]

We would sing every other word. You know, voices were so similar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I hear some of that from Summer Breeze?

[Seals]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Summer make feel blowing the mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got the good words in that one.

[Seals]

I did. Well, would. We would trade off, really?

[Scott Aukerman]

So every other performance would be like.

[Seals]

Okay, let me have the good words in the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. All right, well, we do need to get to our next guest. It's great to see her. We. You know her as the owner and proprietor of the W Hotel out here in Los Angeles. She also sells cucumbers and hot dog buns, I believe. Various businesses going on. Please welcome back to the show, Bean dip.

[Bean Dip]

Hey, Scott. Good to see you, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, great to see you. Yeah. How have you been, Bean Dip?

[Bean Dip]

I've been pretty great, man. Yeah, I. Rocking and rolling, doing whatever, man. Yeah, yeah, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet, man.

[Seals]

Any soft rocking and rolling in there?

[Bean Dip]

Oh, it's great to meet you, Croft.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this is.

[Bean Dip]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this is unfortunately. This is Seals. I don't mean to say unfortunately, you're sealed. Hey, man. Unfortunately for you.

[Bean Dip]

Can I just tell you, it's hard to get. It's hard to get them both straight because they seem a lot alike. Cuz they both had wonderful smooth vibes.

[Seals]

Thank you, ma'. Am.

[Austin]

Hey, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dude, you ever see Seals and Crofts out there in concert with all the Crofts behind them and all the Seals dudes?

[Bean Dip]

Tons of times. I back. Hey, back in the day I used to go see. But I'd say about early 90s, would you agree? Seals? That's when the crowd. Crofts started falling off of being everywhere.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Bean Dip]

But I. I mean, good run.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean it's just the 70s and the 80s.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the way through the early 90s.

[Seals]

Started with saved by the Bell.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meaning in the early 90s, sometime around

[Seals]

that show, that's when people started seeing fewer and fewer crops.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh.

[Bean Dip]

Because I was like very into Zach Kelly, all them. And I was like, hey, after I watched this, let me head over to us. It was a cross concert and it was at that point it was still loaded with groves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Wow.

[Seals]

Then we started getting younger fans coming and saying, what are those?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bean Dip]

Because it was confusing. If you saw a big crowd of them, it was like, hey, man, this is breaking my brain a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh huh. Yeah. Scott. Yeah, Beamed it. What's up?

[Bean Dip]

What's up, man?

[Scott Aukerman]

Happy 17th anniversary to this show.

[Bean Dip]

Happy seventh day and a virtue to the show of comedy. Comedy. Bangy bangy bang. Bangkg bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my gosh.

[Boobs Rinse]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Seals. You have the voice of an angel.

[Bean Dip]

Thanks God. Thanks. Well, you know, I've been capitalized on it lately.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you been in. I mean, we just spoke to my nana earlier in the show. She had to go. She's been getting into a music career. Are you doing anything in the music sphere?

[Bean Dip]

Yeah, but. Well, to talk Nana, because whatever I'm doing is going to be way more successful than some old lady trying to go like, hey. Oh, I can say hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. She was rapping about her struggle for. Oh, for real? Yes, her comp.

[Tony]

For real.

[Yoda]

Say that.

[Bean Dip]

Well, most of my thing is I don't talk about struggle. I just talk about doing great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Do you. You write your own material?

[Bean Dip]

I write my own material up. Like my instruments I put in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay. So full.360.

[Bean Dip]

Full for 360. But then I also, at the very end of it, that's when I call Ray Rubin and I say, come On. Hey, dude, come on in. Just dial it in for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's this now?

[Bean Dip]

Rick Rubin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Rick Rubin.

[Bean Dip]

You know, beard dude who talks about

[Scott Aukerman]

Zen, all shoes, Walked around during COVID in Hawaii.

[Seals]

Doesn't really do anything.

[Bean Dip]

Well, let me tell you, he does a lot because he comes in with his no shoes. He takes a nap while I'm showing him all my music. And he goes, I did this. This little turn. Turn this up out of here. And then it's perfect.

[Bill Walton]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So can I hear any of your songs?

[Bean Dip]

Why don't you tell me which one of my titles you would love to hear today?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I. I'm at a disadvantage because I don't know any of your music yet.

[Seals]

Wait, what if she sent you a list right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sure, sure.

[Bean Dip]

You.

[Austin]

I'll.

[Tony]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll. Oh, my gosh.

[Yoda]

Email.

[Scott Aukerman]

The sprinklers turned on and ruined my computer.

[Bean Dip]

Sorry, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just hand me a list.

[Austin]

Okay.

[Bean Dip]

Here you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Bean Dip]

I send it on a paper airplane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Okay, here's a really interesting one. The roses have all wilted and died and now I have no idea where I'm going to go tonight.

[Bean Dip]

What a long title.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like a Morrissey title.

[Bean Dip]

The roses have fall, wilted and died and now I have no idea where I'm gonna go tonight. Can you help me, baby? Come on over and peel me up with your loving kindness, darling. Cause I don't know where I'm gonna go. Cause the roses have wilted.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on down to my blade and let me see your face tonight. Give me all your loving before I get sober in. Take Take me to the river and

[Austin]

take me to the edge.

[Bean Dip]

I want to feel all your love tonight. Chicky chicky cha cha mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, you got the SEALS seal of approved. Seals of approval.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Bean Dip]

It's great because I've been wanting to ask him, do you think you could pop in on about five or six of my songs and just make a little. A beautiful noise at the end?

[Seals]

I would love to, too.

[Bean Dip]

Great sales.

[Seals]

Can the noise sometimes be crs.

[Bean Dip]

I would love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. You know what I mean? Bean dip. First of all, great song.

[Bean Dip]

Thanks, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got a little screamo there in the middle of it. I was surprised by that.

[Bean Dip]

You got to keep up with the times, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess so if screamo is a current genre that people are enjoying circling back. Okay. But a gorgeous song. But, you know, know, it's. It's occurring to me that you're a musician. Yeah. SEALS here is a Musician who's looking for another partner.

[Seals]

Guilty as charged.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about instead of Seals and Crofts, which, look, let's be honest, it's a stale brand. You know what I mean? It's like everyone. Everyone knows it. Everyone's heard it.

[Bean Dip]

Tired.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's tired.

[Austin]

But played.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seals and Bean or Bean Dips.

[Bean Dip]

Baby Seal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bean Dip's baby seal. That could be something not terrible.

[Seals]

Okay, here's my two problems.

[Yoda]

Okay?

[Bean Dip]

Okay, number one, please.

[Seals]

Seals and Bean. You got a plural and a singular. Can't do it. Second, then it's the baby seal. Singular. I'm a Seals man.

[Scott Aukerman]

To solve the problem of a singular being one. What if Mr. Bean also got involved? Now we're talking.

[Seals]

Is that possible? What would he do? Would he just dance like the one guy in the Bunny Muddy boss tones?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, you know, during the Olympics, you saw him playing that one keyboard note in the Cherry Fire theme.

[Seals]

I heard about that.

[Bean Dip]

You know, he could come in every now and then like the Godfather. Body, boss tones and just do some of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, that voice. Is that what Mr. Bean sounds like?

[Bean Dip]

That's what Marty Body most sounds like.

[Yoda]

He speaks vaguely French, if I remember.

[Seals]

He's mostly quiet. But then every once in a while he goes,

[Bean Dip]

Hey, Yoda.

[Yoda]

Hello.

[Bean Dip]

I didn't see you over there, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Yoda's been behind Seals.

[Yoda]

Ducked behind the microphone. I was.

[Bean Dip]

You look great, man.

[Yoda]

Good to see you, young Bean dip. Have you been training with your lights in, neighbor?

[Bean Dip]

Yes, I've been doing great. I know how to now cut through a wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's great.

[Yoda]

I mean, step.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is honestly isn't. You just kind of turn it on and stick it into the wall. Sorry.

[Bean Dip]

Don't be a dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize. I don't mean to be reductive. Hey, Seals, don't be a dick. Hey, man, take this from you.

[Seals]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're passive aggressive. Yacht rock.

[Austin]

What?

[Seals]

Yeah. Okay. I'm trying.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm trying to help you Seals.

[Seals]

Maybe I'm trying to help you with some.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, all right, I'll give you that. But I mean, I think the partnership between the two of you. Could I hear you do. Instead of you just coming in and saying mind or summer. Could I hear, like, maybe you guys trading off a little bit of summer breeze? Yeah. Or. Or a new song.

[Seals]

I'll start and then toss it over to you. We can't start. We'll write new songs right after this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Seals]

Summer breeze makes me feel fine.

[Tony]

Whoa.

[Seals]

You know the riff.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can save money on a guitarist by having bean dip. Just do that.

[Bean Dip]

Yeah. Listen to this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bean Dip]

Oh, yeah. On your own.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're on your own.

[Bean Dip]

Yeah, that's what I really turned it up to. Guitar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. What do you think? Wow, Seals.

[Seals]

It's so much more efficient than playing the guitar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why does anyone bother with.

[Seals]

We got to go through these sound checks to go on forever. We could have just been doing that the whole time.

[Bean Dip]

Yeah, man. Tell me another one of your sales and crafts classic hits.

[Seals]

Darling, if you wanted me then closer

[Scott Aukerman]

to you Darling, if you want me to be. Sorry, I don't mean to tell you your business. I just.

[Yoda]

Scott, that was insane what you just did.

[Seals]

That was talking about passive aggressive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's full on aggressive of me saying you don't know your song. Yeah, that you've been singing for 50 years.

[Bean Dip]

Scott, what's come over you?

[Seals]

Oh, man. I don't know why you begged me to be on this show.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't beg you. I asked you to be on the show. I'm a huge fan.

[Seals]

You were on your hands and knees.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was on my hands and knees, but I had dropped an earring.

[Bean Dip]

By the way, your earrings have been looking great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I was afraid the holes were going to close, so I just.

[Seals]

No, they're gorgeous earrings, but still. I'm 79 years old, man. I live in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what's your wife's name?

[Seals]

My wife's name is Ruby Jean Anderson. We got married in 1970, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bean Dip]

Classic Ruby Jean.

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize.

[Seals]

Do you know Ruby Jean?

[Bean Dip]

Oh, I didn't want to tell you this, seals, but I know her really well. And Grandma, how did you guys meet? Well, I was out getting some groceries and I thought, man, I wish somebody was here that could tell me which of these lettuces is better than other lettuce. And then a woman came around the corner, a gorgeous older woman, and she said, hey, I'm Ruby Jean. I don't work here, but I know a lot about the lettuce.

[Seals]

You go on these. What she called her grocery altruism runs where she would go to a grocery store and just like, like parade the aisles, like, looking for people who needed help. Wow, man. I'm so happy to hear a firsthand account of that. It's beautiful.

[Bean Dip]

Yeah, I. I will admit I've been calling her Ruby Jean Crofts for a long time.

[Seals]

God damn.

[Bean Dip]

I'm sorry to tell you that really

[Seals]

hurts because they did have an affair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, they did? Why were you still with this guy?

[Seals]

He was Croft.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was Crofts. He knew Every other word to all of your songs.

[Seals]

He really did. We just had something special that transcended my sacred vows of marriage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, apparently you and B Dip could have the same kind of thing together.

[Bean Dip]

Well, do you want to hear the guitar riff, too, darling? If you want me to be closer.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Bean Dip]

Closer to you. Closer to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I will.

[Seals]

No, I got chills.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are they multiplying?

[Seals]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. They're just singular chills.

[Seals]

Yeah, I would be. If they were multiplying, I'd be worried. There's something.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, go to the doctor.

[Bean Dip]

Stop trying to make the whole Grease soundtrack. Yacht rock. Only one song on the Grease soundtrack is y'.

[Nana]

All.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one would you consider it to be?

[Bean Dip]

The song Grease.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, that's more of a. That's more of a disco hit.

[Bean Dip]

Come on, man.

[Seals]

You don't know what you're talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was sung by. By the Gib. It was written by the Gibbs.

[Seals]

The Gibbs. The brothers, wasn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was not.

[Seals]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

The song Grease.

[Seals]

No, they never would have written that.

[Bean Dip]

I think it might have been like Frankie Valley or something.

[Seals]

Gun to their heads. They never wrote that song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gun to their Heads.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Written by Barry Gibb.

[Seals]

Not that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you were talking about other Gibs.

[Seals]

There's so. There was. Man, in the 70s, there were so many people named Barry Gib, it was ridiculous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. You're just laughing lousy. With Barry, it was like, you guys

[Seals]

might as well be Croft.

[Bean Dip]

Yeah, that's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, I. I think there's a partnership here that is gonna be really fruitful. Can we expect to see concerts soon?

[Bean Dip]

I'm gonna go with the thumbs up in a year.

[Seals]

This is so emotional for me. When Crofts died earlier today.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was. Earlier today. It was about a month ago.

[Yoda]

Mother girl.

[Seals]

Oh, you. Mr. Bean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey. Who the fuck are you? I'm Steve, Mr. Cannabines.

[Seals]

I thought, man, how am I ever gonna go on? But now I feel like with bean dip, I got a future.

[Bean Dip]

I feel like my future's violently. And it's ever in it now that I have sales of my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bean dip. I've never seen you cry before.

[Bean Dip]

I never have cried here with you before, Scott. Because real talk, I don't feel sad, safe.

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize.

[Bean Dip]

But now I'm gonna let it out because Seals and Yoda here to make me feel like I could be a

[Scott Aukerman]

little baby if I need to. Well, guys, do you. Do you wanna. We have to take a break. But do you want to maybe go to break singing your only other song that you have Diamond Girl. Diamond Girl, of course. And you. Do you know the guitar part of Diamond?

[Bean Dip]

Of course I do. You.

[Bill Walton]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Yoda, you can get involved if you want. Okay.

[Yoda]

I might throw in like a. Yeah, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hear it.

[Seals]

Okay, here we go. Diamond Girl. Diamond Girl. The Diamond Girl. Now my chills are multiplying.

[Bean Dip]

Sure looks fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is incredible.

[Seals]

Well, guys, you know more of the

[Scott Aukerman]

word more than you know, I think.

[Seals]

Hey, you don't know that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, you seals. What?

[Seals]

How did we get to this?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. Fuck you zeals, you seals.

[Seals]

No one did that to me since Crosby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Crosby.

[Seals]

Scott, calm down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's force choking me. Okay, look, we need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have even more guests. The 17th anniversary of comedy Bang Bang.

[Yoda]

I'll be right back after this.

[Seals]

America's best network just got bigger. Switch to T Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus our five year price guarantee.

[Seals]

And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.

[Scott Aukerman]

Best mobile network based on analysis by Google of speed test intelligence data 2H2025 bigger network.

[Seals]

The combination of T Mobile's and US

[Scott Aukerman]

cellular network footprints will enhance the T mobile network's coverage. Perhaps price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees. Applied CT mobile.com for details. If you're trying to be more intentional about what you wear day to day, Quintz can help with that. They've got pieces that feel easy, comfortable and still put together. The fabrics feel elevated and the fits are clean. Think 100% European linen shorts and shirts from $34. Lightweight, breathable and comfortable. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you would find at similar brands. And Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. We hate middlemen, don't we? So you're getting premium materials without the markup. I just got a couple of pairs of trousers from Quint. I got the Comfort Stretch Traveler 5 pocket pants in two different colors, dark, charcoal and ocean. Because when I like a pair of pants, I like to get them in different colors because I know they fit. And these are great. Quince. We even buy stuff for our daughter with Quint. We got a lot of stuff from Quince. We really love it. Refresh your everyday with luxury that you will actually use. Head to quints.com Bang Bang for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now by the way, available in Canada too. That is Q U I N C E.com Bang Bang. For free shipping 365 day returns quince.com Bang Bang. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Do you have things that keep you up at night? And I'm not talking about your children or your loved ones, if you know what I'm saying. And I hope you know what I'm saying. Look, stuff, you know, it sometimes can get hard to sleep. You got stuff that you're going over in your mind and then you look at the clock and it's four in the morning. You're like, like I've been thinking about this for hours. Look, we mono focus on our problems, don't we? Well, if you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck or anxious or unsure, that look, that's okay. Those feelings are more common than we think. And May is mental health awareness month, which is a good reminder that you don't have to go through those feelings alone. Having someone with you to listen, to understand and to support you, you can make all the difference. Whatever is keeping you up at night. Therapy with BetterHelp can help you check in with yourself and gain support from experienced professionals. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire and by God, this thing is short. To identify your needs and preferences. And BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. Feel confident knowing Better Help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and and are fully licensed in the US you don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10 [e-mail] Bang Bang that is betterhelp.com Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang. We are back 17th anniversary. 17 years ago. Back in 2009 this podcast started and we've been around every week since then. And here we are in 2026 if you can imagine. Seals. Have you ever done anything for 17 years?

[Seals]

Well, yeah, been a musician where I play guitar, mandolin, fiddle, saxophone and vocals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, so. So you're the guitarist then you're. I guess when Bean dip simulates the guitar with her mouth, you're going to be out of a job in. In that respect. No.

[Seals]

Maybe you didn't hear all those other instruments that I did do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, so you're going to play the mandolin every song.

[Seals]

Hey man, the is your problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? The is your problem. Se.

[Seals]

No problem. My partner just died.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not just like a month ago.

[Seals]

Wow, you say that to a 79

[Scott Aukerman]

year old man in the span of your whole life?

[Seals]

I guess I only have Four years left to live.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think so?

[Seals]

Probably, if Croft is any indication.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was he older, by the way?

[Seals]

He was a little bit older.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How. What was his age at the time of death?

[Seals]

What a. What an insensitive question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I apologize, but I do need to know these.

[Seals]

But I will tell you that he died age 87.

[Yoda]

87.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boy, that was like a May December partnership between the two of you.

[Seals]

It's not that much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Eight years.

[Seals]

Eight years you think is May December?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so what are we talking?

[Seals]

Maybe when you're in your 20s. You creep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so August December. What are we talking?

[Seals]

Yeah. August December.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Seals]

He died Austin, Texas, which is in the U.S. great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we need to get to our next guest.

[Seals]

Hard to believe he was active for so many years. 1957-20. 26.

[Scott Aukerman]

57. That is a long time to be active. When they say active, meaning as a musician, as a human being,

[Seals]

you think he's completely sedentary from birth to 1957?

[Yoda]

Maybe.

[Seals]

I don't know. Like me. He was formerly of the Champs and Seals and Crofts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. The Champs.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it. Did they sing Tequila?

[Seals]

Yeah, we did.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sang.

[Seals]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were one of the singers of Tequila.

[Seals]

We all took turns singing the word Tequila.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Wow.

[Seals]

And it was Latin tinged.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh. Huh.

[Seals]

1958 single.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. All right. Well, you know, we do an American

[Seals]

rock and roll band.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course. Yes. Any other facts that you want to tell me before I introduce our next.

[Seals]

Yeah. We took our name from that of Gene Austin, Autry's horse Champion.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Champs. Yep. That. Wait, not just the idea of champs.

[Seals]

No, no. We were formed by studio executives at Autry's Challenge Records. We were supposed to record a B side for the Dave Burgess single Train to Nowhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Sure. And then. And then everyone said, hey, so we did. What's our name gonna be? Well, Gene Autry's horse is named Champion, so why don't we call ourselves.

[Seals]

That was the guy from the record label.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Seals]

Yeah, he was real proud of himself, too. We were just kids with terror. We know crew cuts.

[Boobs Rinse]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who like to sing about Tequila.

[Seals]

Yeah. And drink it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uhhuh. Oh, okay. Do you still drink it?

[Seals]

All the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we need to get to our next.

[Seals]

Right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. Are you a basketball fan?

[Seals]

I love basketball.

[Scott Aukerman]

The most. Orange ball. Would you agree?

[Seals]

Agreed.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is a.

[Seals]

In sports.

[Scott Aukerman]

In sports.

[Seals]

Not in the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. I'm sure there's a Nerf ball.

[Seals]

No, they got one in the Smithsonian Institute. That's so orange. That if you look at it, you get depressed, Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do they keep that in the Smithsonian?

[Seals]

No, no. You start to feel like you're in an orange void.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, he is a former basketball champion, I'm assuming.

[Seals]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

You ever win a. Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't mean to get you excited about Gene Autry's former, but he. I'm sure you. You won a ring or two.

[Bill Walton]

Hell, yes. Yes, sir. I'm talking college basketball. Ucla, the great home of the Bruins, coached by the genius John wooden with over 10 titles, then the Boston Celtics. And I brought the title home to the great city of Portland, where the trailblazers place trails.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so meaning you brought it home, you won it with the Celtics, and then you moved over there, but in the opposite order.

[Bill Walton]

I. I was remembering Memento style.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Bill Walton]

But it happened reverse tenet style.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you ever get to that DVD of Memento where you could watch the whole thing in chronological order?

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, I thought it was just a regular dvd.

[Seals]

Whoa. Look at all your backwards tattoos.

[Bill Walton]

Do you have a mirror? I gotta figure out what these say.

[Seals]

Yeah, I always have a mirror. I used to do a ton of coke.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are recent, by the way. You have not had these tattoos?

[Seals]

No.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, I just saw you tell by that little plastic wrapping around me. They're very new.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, right. Well, let me introduce you. He is, of course, also one of the NBA Tonight commentators.

[Bill Walton]

And not to be confused with Mack tonight.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, of course not. You're not the guy with the giant chin. Not to be confused with J. Yeah, of course.

[Seals]

But you think of that guy whose head was the moon as a guy with a giant chin.

[Scott Aukerman]

This chin's big, though, you gotta admit.

[Seals]

I guess it's the bottom half of the moon.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess he's also got a giant

[Bill Walton]

forehead, if you look at it that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but he is.

[Bill Walton]

There's a tension here between you two. I don't what's going on here.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's soft rock, which means he's passive aggressive. And I've. He's a. He's been sitting here needling me the entire time.

[Seals]

I'm not needling you. You're like.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're like an act. You acupuncturist. You're like an X man.

[Seals]

Hey, don't go writing any songs about X men, okay? I wrote that song down a girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Okay.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Emma Frost. He is a former basketball player, former dead person who's facts rumored to be dead, but is actually alive. Please welcome back to the show, Bill Walton.

[Bill Walton]

Thank you for having me. Oh, my God, Scott. 17 beautiful years. You look better than ever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Some would say that I am aging poorly, but I appreciate that. That incredible compliment.

[Bill Walton]

Are people saying that to your face, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's my face. No, but is the Internet to your face?

[Bill Walton]

Oh, now it is, Scott. That's perfect. It's why I'm here, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Bill Walton]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on, Bill? What's going on?

[Bill Walton]

I have become obsessed with body modification.

[Scott Aukerman]

Body modification.

[Bill Walton]

Not just the tattoos, but I don't know if you're noticing some lip stuff, some cheek stuff, some forehead stuff. Yeah, I look amazing on my phone. Do I not? Essay Steven Aukerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had to admit, I'm not gonna

[Bill Walton]

call you by your initial.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. Thank you so much. I have to admit, when you walked in here, I was like, bill Walton is looks maxing here?

[Bill Walton]

Is that where you go to TJ Maxx and you look at all the hotties?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Bill Walton]

Well, I'm looks maxing every day of my life then.

[Seals]

Your chin is huge.

[Bill Walton]

Thank you. Well, I came in and I asked for the back tonight. They said that's not really his chin. It's most of his face. It's weird that that came up just now. That's wild. It's insane.

[Seals]

It's. It's. I mean, like, Mac tonight didn't have the bulging jaw muscles that you have.

[Bill Walton]

That's what I said. I said, give me the Mac tonight, but make sure you give me something in the jaw. Mac Tonight on the downstairs, Leno on the sides.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hmm. I mean, I have never heard that described, but that's exactly what you got.

[Bill Walton]

Well, then they nailed it. Scott Aukerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

I couldn't be happier with the work I've had done. I feel better about myself than ever. My. I hate. I don't want to make this a dirty show, but I am as comfortable in the bedroom as I've been in a long time. Scott Aukerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. I mean, you. Even though you did die, you did die. I can't remember.

[Bill Walton]

I died. I died. I went to heaven, and I came back to earth because I didn't finish my bucket list, which was to make a show called Entourage about a boy who moves to Los Angeles with his four aunts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Okay. And so you're. And you're on the path to doing that?

[Bill Walton]

Well, I've been a little distracted, yes. It's harder than I thought to sell a show in Hollywood, California, right now. Do you know this.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I mean, yeah. Ever since the contraction of entertainment.

[Bill Walton]

Yes. All they want is more IP Man. IP Man. IP Man. Everybody wants ip.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's ip. I think is IP man. Is.

[Bill Walton]

Well, take a break. I'll wait.

[Seals]

Wait. There is something called IP Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a kung fu. There's. With several sequels. Yes, yes.

[Bill Walton]

And they just want more and more of it. So I keep writing IP man movies and I bring it in. They're like, this is not for us. I'm like, what do you want then? Yeah.

[Seals]

No, that related to One Punch Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what One Punch man is.

[Seals]

I don't either.

[Bill Walton]

One Punch man is a parody of anime style TV shows, but has its own. It also sits in the world of anime. At the same time. He's a man who could kill you with one punch.

[Seals]

Damn. So they made fun of it and then they're like, get in here.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, we love it. All parody should be done with love. Wouldn't you agree, Scott Aerman?

[Bean Dip]

I had.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have no opinion on any of this.

[Seals]

But no, Jeff Ross says we only roast the ones we love. Is that the fact at the. At the Friars Club?

[Bill Walton]

I'm scared to meet the guy. I think he would tear me to pieces.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think. Look, I. I don't suggest it because.

[Bill Walton]

Have you met Jeff Ross?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have met Jeff Ross.

[Bill Walton]

Did he rush your ass? Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

A is burnt to a crisp. I to say so. Yeah. I don't.

[Bill Walton]

I wanted to roast your eyebrows, your nose, your lips, your chest, your personality.

[Scott Aukerman]

Remember when I said that some people are saying I'm aging poorly? That it's primarily Jeff Ross Online.

[Bill Walton]

You said online. He's making fun of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

I'm sorry to hear that.

[Seals]

He's doing online roasts now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Of people that he's still.

[Seals]

Profile pictures, man. I would be. I would be kind of intimidated to meet someone knowing that they're going into every interaction thinking, how do I. I make fun of this guy?

[Bill Walton]

It's why I don't have any teenage kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Tony]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because they're older than you have kids.

[Bill Walton]

Yes.

[Seals]

Okay.

[Bill Walton]

But I would never have teenage kids.

[Seals]

Did you put them in a cryosleep?

[Bill Walton]

No, I left for four years each time they turned teenage.

[Seals]

Loophole.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that movie. Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon. What's his name? Levit.

[Bill Walton]

Joseph Gordon Loophole.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Joseph Gordon Loophole.

[Seals]

It really took me longer than I'm comfortable with to put that together.

[Bill Walton]

You might have been thinking of the movie Looper, but Loophole is another movie that was done Independently. At the same time as the movie.

[Seals]

With the same stars.

[Bill Walton]

Same star, same cast. They were filming in repertory.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Bill, you, entourage is not moved any closer.

[Bill Walton]

No. Scott, what's the deal with Hollywood? And I'm not trying to go all JS on you, but Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Thank you. I can't sell a picture these days. You know, I couldn't. I can't sell a film. I can't sell a TV show. Just when I've tried to get into the industry, Scott, it's dying. It's a dying business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Some might say that if you really wanted to be in entertainment, you should have given up on your basketball dreams earlier and gotten in in the 70s, 80s, 90s. When were you active?

[Bill Walton]

70s, 80s,90s. Yeah, I started having beyond songs the

[Seals]

whole office can agree on

[Scott Aukerman]

back when the crofts were everywhere.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, my God.

[Seals]

Miss the crofts.

[Bill Walton]

I, I, I'm thinking about the crops right now. Yeah, I can't picture one. Like, could you draw one for me right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love that. Yeah.

[Seals]

Oh, there you go.

[Bill Walton]

Wow, that was fast.

[Seals]

Tell me that's not a cross.

[Bill Walton]

That's a. Well, that's more of like a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should I see that? I.

[Seals]

No, no. A game. And took it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Bill Walton]

Of course. Pigeons love to eat crops.

[Seals]

Pigeons, they miss them too, man. They got that. You know how you torture a mouse, and then the. The little mouse baby will be like, I got tortured.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? I don't know this, Scott.

[Bill Walton]

You don't know that.

[Seals]

Genetic trauma.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Seals]

All pigeons are waiting for cross to come back.

[Bill Walton]

Got it. Just like I would you, Scott. You know when you torture a mouse and the little baby doesn't like it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Okay, sure. So you. So you can't sell anything.

[Bill Walton]

I can't sell anything. But I. That's why I. I'm going. I'm moving Scott into verticals. Do you know about these verticals?

[Seals]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, baby by Crofts. I mean the other guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, when you said, oh, yeah, I thought you were auditioning to do the theme song to entourage for Bill here.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, we do need a theme song.

[Seals]

Yeah, it's going to start exactly like the entourage theme song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah, because isn't that how it ends? Not starts?

[Bill Walton]

No, it starts with it because it's cut. You're bridging time. You know what I mean?

[Yoda]

Oh, wow.

[Bill Walton]

So the oh, yeah is a bridge from past to future.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let's hear that. Oh, yeah.

[Seals]

Again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mind?

[Seals]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Superhero.

[Seals]

So it's just going to be the Exact same theme song, but it's kind

[Bill Walton]

of backwards but also forwards. I don't know if you noticed.

[Seals]

Backward masking.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, I was what?

[Seals]

Back masking?

[Scott Aukerman]

Backward masking.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, yes. My. My plastic surgeon did that on me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So what does that entail?

[Bill Walton]

I don't know, but I wish somebody stopped him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. I think you're like a malignant or something. You have a face on the back of your neck.

[Bill Walton]

Yes, yes. He added another personality here that when I go to sleep, terrorizes my family and friends.

[Seals]

But backwards.

[Bill Walton]

But backwards. I wouldn't. I wouldn't let him around. Jeff Ross is gonna get his ass roasted for his weird walk. Could you imagine? Jeff Ross rested me, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't.

[Bill Walton]

My reverse self, but. So, Scott, I wanted to know if I could get your investment and even your. If you're willing to turn your face into something that people would look at every day on their phones close up. I would love to put you into my verticals.

[Seals]

Oh, man. Can you imagine being in a vertical?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is an incredible opportunity. I've never been in a vertical before.

[Bill Walton]

You have it. I haven't got. I mean, it's just like being alive. You sit vertically, you stand vertically. You do everything but sleep vertically.

[Scott Aukerman]

I sleep horizontal. Horizontally. Is that going to be an issue

[Bill Walton]

or it just won't put your sleep in the vertical or if we do

[Scott Aukerman]

it, if your penis.

[Seals]

No sleep.

[Scott Aukerman]

If my penis is upright while I

[Bill Walton]

sleep, we'll do a vertical of your penis.

[Seals]

There's going to be no scenes of sleep.

[Bill Walton]

No, we. I don't know. I mean, you pitch on it. Each vertical is a minute long, so it's a lot of waste.

[Seals]

I love verticals because I'm an older gentleman. I don't know how to phone. Turn my phone sideways.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pretty me. All you got to do is.

[Seals]

So I would look at. I would look at those videos. Like, too small. Why is everything so small?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. So this is great. I mean, this is perfect for elderly gentlemen.

[Bill Walton]

Absolutely. Unless you're Russell Crowe, who is now doing videos of himself reviewing watches and he refuses to do them vertically.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Bill Walton]

His film is done horizontally.

[Scott Aukerman]

Glad to hear he's taking a stand on this.

[Bill Walton]

He decided to get political at the perfect time. Scott. And we're all standing. I stand with Russell Crowe on this one.

[Seals]

He's not tweeting his workouts anymore. Now he's doing this.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, he does. Holds up a watch. He's like, I like this one.

[Scott Aukerman]

18 kilometers.

[Seals]

I guess 30 odd foot of grunt

[Bill Walton]

is done what was that?

[Seals]

This is bad.

[Bill Walton]

I thought that was 40.

[Seals]

40 odd foot of Grunt.

[Bill Walton]

That's my porn search.

[Seals]

Then he. You must be disappointed. Russell Gro keeps.

[Bill Walton]

I was headbanging, but I'm never coming.

[Seals]

Then he changed the name to something else that had the exact same initials because I think he still had some merch.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, okay. Did he get sued? Was there another 40 odd foot of grunt that sued him for intellectual property? Property?

[Seals]

No. I think they probably just went out and like. I guess we'll do our own thing now. The famous guy is not here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some bad news, seals. It's 30 odd foot of grunts.

[Seals]

30? Yes, but it's still tofa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps. I don't see anything about a name change here. But it. Look, this Wikipedia page is very sparse. One of the thinnest Wikipedia pages I have ever seen. 30 odd foot of grunts was an Australian. Australian rock group formed in 1992. It was made up of Russell Crowe, Dean Cochran, Garth Adam, Dave Kelly on drums, Dave Wilkins on guitar and vocal, and trumpeter Stuart Kerwin. The end.

[Bill Walton]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they.

[Bill Walton]

Do any of them have blue links on their names like Stuart Kerwin, Steve Irwin's brother?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, unfortunately, Russell Crowe is the only one who has a hyperlink attached. Wow. Yeah. What?

[Bill Walton]

Grunt is probably a top five word I'd ever want to hear out loud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you just want to hear people doing it. Just as on a monopoly.

[Bill Walton]

I wouldn't mind hearing people grunting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway, so you have a vertical, Scott.

[Bill Walton]

You got me going there a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sorry. So you have a vertical. You want me to star in it? Look, I'm in.

[Bill Walton]

Okay, great. So let me just get a Sharpie out and I'm just going to do a little work on where we would want to do some stuff on your face.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lorenzo Lama style. Say more from. From his show Hotter Than Whatnot.

[Seals]

I believe I remember that show. Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

They made a show off the website.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

This is even before the website.

[Scott Aukerman]

The website ripped out where you get out a laser pointer and point out bits of fat on women's bodies. Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Is just Jeff Ross sitting next to him.

[Seals]

No, this was not funny. It's not a roast. It would be people, conventionally attractive people standing on stage in a bathing suit and Lorenzo Llama's going. You have a little bit of a love handle there.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, my God. I can't believe it's not still on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I would love to see it in syndications or streaming somewhere on a platform.

[Bill Walton]

It feels like you want to look up the producers of that show and see if they're in jail or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hell, one of the two, but, yeah, I guess.

[Bill Walton]

Well, Scott, I don't want to rip off that idea on the podcast, but I was basically just going to sharpen you up a little bit here.

[Tony]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sure. I mean, feel free. Look, 17th anniversary. Feel free to.

[Bill Walton]

To just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

First, before I ever touch anybody on a podcast, I have to ask your boundaries. Is there anywhere you don't want to be touched?

[Scott Aukerman]

Pretty much my entire body, excluding the penis.

[Bill Walton]

Okay, we'll start there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You're gonna start and finish there. Hopefully.

[Bill Walton]

Well, hopefully only one of us will.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so what do you got? Sorry, it's my sprinklers again.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, are they connected to your penis? Like in an AI style?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, it's a. A heat sensor, I believe.

[Yoda]

Wow.

[Bill Walton]

So if you're aroused, the sprinklers go off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Bill Walton]

No wonder you've got such a lush garden.

[Yoda]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sorry.

[Seals]

I got an update.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. On what?

[Seals]

On your wicked Russell Crow's band. Okay, so after it was called 30 Odd Foot of Grunt, it dissolved. Right? And then he started a new band called the Ordinary Fear of God.

[Yoda]

God.

[Seals]

Which is the exact same letters as 30 odd foot of grunt.

[Bill Walton]

That's the type of confidence we need in this day and age, wouldn't you say?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Bill Walton]

Why not? That's how you become Russell Crowe. The Gladiator. The. The. The. The.

[Seals]

The.

[Bill Walton]

The Pope on a Vespas guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

The American gangster.

[Seals]

Hey, man, he wasn't the Pope. He was the Pope's exorcist.

[Bill Walton]

Yes. I'm sorry, can we please cut that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, can we cut that mistake? The editing machine is broken. I'm so sorry.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, Scott, we're gonna get it.

[Seals]

I'm sorry, man, but I had to call it out.

[Bill Walton]

You know, you were right, too. Imagine me driving home and realizing it. I would not take my foot off the pedal till I was in the Pacific Ocean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think you'd miss every light you.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, I'd speed through.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd hope.

[Bill Walton]

I know I would hope that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know if you'd make it. I think you'd. You'd get T boned. At some point, I would call up.

[Bill Walton]

I'd call. Call up Napster from the movie Italian Job, played by Seth Green, and say, give me all green lights all the way to the Pacific Ocean.

[Seals]

Hey, man, hold on a second. Are you just now informing me there's a character in that movie named Napster?

[Bill Walton]

Yes. His backstory is that he actually invented Napster and it was stolen from him.

[Seals]

I gotta get my car and drive to the ocean right now. This is worse hearing than cr.

[Bill Walton]

You should do your eulogy you about that. I'm sorry, Scott. I'm sorry. I'm just a little discombobulated because I called the Pope's exorcist. The Pope?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's okay. Don't worry about it. Well, look, I'm perfectly willing to be in this.

[Bill Walton]

Okay. Do you need any sort non union?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, yeah, I'm willing to go non union if necessary. Is it local hire clip that? Do I have to pretend to be a local hire?

[Bill Walton]

It's local hire in Shanghai.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shanghai? Yes, China.

[Bill Walton]

So you don't have to pretend to be, but you put yourself up in Shanghai if you have a place there.

[Seals]

Local Shanghai?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I can do all this.

[Bill Walton]

Okay. And so your character is. Because a lot of these are kind of sexually mythical storylines.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you maybe should have led with that, but go ahead.

[Bill Walton]

Do you not want to do it anymore?

[Seals]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean the.

[Bill Walton]

Or the sexuality.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not sure how comfortable I am exuding sexual chemistry on screen.

[Bill Walton]

Oh my gosh, Scott, this could be your career changing moment. You could be nominated for an Oscar if you would just be comfortable getting sexual mythically in one of my levels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so mythically maybe. Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you describe exactly what that means though?

[Bill Walton]

Yes. So you would be a man who turns into a centaur.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are.

[Bill Walton]

Which is a horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so a man's body, meaning my legs turn into horses legs or my entire body? I don't know why I'm getting very specific.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, well, your legs do.

[Scott Aukerman]

So just. My legs change. Much like Ariel in Little Mermaid. Her fishtail turns into legs. She's.

[Bill Walton]

Okay, I gotta watch this. It's good for inspiration. Oh, you've never seen Little spell that out for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

L, I T T L E L slow.

[Bill Walton]

Okay, thank you. Both in stereo.

[Seals]

The thing about Little Mermaid is she's more evenly distributed fish and person than a centaur is man and horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Okay, I'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll note that when I watch Nipples above, which is not the case with Little Mermaid. It's pretty much a waistline below.

[Bill Walton]

Well, you would be. Where does the horse's waist start?

[Seals]

Below the waistline, sunshine.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Murray head.

[Seals]

But then who. But then. Then a centaur is like almost all of a horse and then half of a guy.

[Bill Walton]

Well, we've mostly only got the budget for horse legs, back legs, so this might not be a full Centaur. Maybe it would be a Centu Amin.

[Seals]

You know what I would do?

[Bill Walton]

Please?

[Seals]

I do front legs and then fake back legs.

[Bill Walton]

Front legs and fake back. Okay, so someone would be the ass.

[Seals]

No, they could just be dragging around.

[Bill Walton]

Dragging them around that they don't work.

[Seals]

Yeah, Put them on little wheels.

[Bill Walton]

Okay, so you're gonna be a Stephen Hawking centaur in a wheelchair. So your horse part is being dragged around on wheels. Your human part is sexual.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do I speak through a voice box or.

[Bill Walton]

Well, we all do, Scott Aukerman. It's called our larynx.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you very much for the anatomy lesson. I appreciate it.

[Bill Walton]

I can give you a full.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got you. You seals.

[Bill Walton]

Me and seals are seawalking. You guys, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can my good buddy seals be in this with me?

[Seals]

Please?

[Bill Walton]

Okay. I mean, I'm loving the chemistry here. It would be like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, who hated each other in the Notebook.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or we have, like, a Lethal Weapon.

[Bill Walton]

They couldn't even be near each other on set.

[Seals]

That's kind of too bad. Bums me out a little bit.

[Bill Walton]

Sorry, man. Use that. If you're not getting your penny tears in your eulogy, maybe start to think of that as a sense memory.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think we're in as a package deal. Me and seals.

[Bill Walton]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seals and I.

[Bill Walton]

How would you like the contract to be written?

[Scott Aukerman]

Seals and I. I gotta draw it up.

[Bill Walton]

Seals and I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seals and I. Okay.

[Seals]

Seals and Us is better.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seals and Us Shampoo.

[Bill Walton]

God bless you.

[Seals]

Seals and we. I'd take Seals and We.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seals and we.

[Bill Walton]

Seals and we. All right, cool.

[Seals]

Can't be singular.

[Bill Walton]

So, hundred dollars, local hire, Shanghai.

[Seals]

A hundred dollars?

[Bill Walton]

Yeah.

[Seals]

Dang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stipend or a day.

[Seals]

The per diem.

[Bill Walton]

That's your walking around money.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, okay. Walk it around. As in that's how much I'm getting paid. And then I'll be walking around during the thing.

[Bill Walton]

You'll have to be walking around because your ride from the airport to your place is going to cost $100. So you have to walk for the rest of it.

[Seals]

Boom.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know, guys.

[Bill Walton]

Come on. This is going to change your life, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is going to change your life. I don't know about my life.

[Bill Walton]

My life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, we haven't done Borat impressions on this show in a long time.

[Bill Walton]

Well, they're back, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, all right.

[Seals]

I feel like I fell out of a tree onto my back.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, that's the worst. Do you want to massage?

[Seals]

Okay.

[Bill Walton]

All right. All right, look, lay on your front

[Scott Aukerman]

if you're going to massage seals here. I'm going to bring in our next guest.

[Bill Walton]

Perfect. That's perfect timing. I'm glad it worked out that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am going to bring in our next guest. And look, you need actors for your thing. And our next guest is probably one of the most successful actors and people in the entertainment industry that we've ever had on this show. He also. I hate to even call him a private investigator because he barely does that, but he's a very successful actor. Please welcome Boobs Rinse to the show.

[Boobs Rinse]

Hello, Scott. Thanks for having me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Boobs.

[Boobs Rinse]

Congrats on the 17 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Congrats to you on all of your success that we found out about as a private eye.

[Boobs Rinse]

Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not necessarily as a private eye.

[Boobs Rinse]

Primarily a private eye.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you. I mean primarily as.

[Boobs Rinse]

By the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Boobs Rinse]

I checked your facts. You're right. It's been 17 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Boobs Rinse]

I didn't take it. I didn't take it at face value.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Boobs Rinse]

I checked my sources.

[Scott Aukerman]

You looked up Wikipedia.

[Boobs Rinse]

I looked up Wikipedia. Within 2 seconds. I had the facts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

And you are right on the money.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Boobs Rinse]

17 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good investigative work. Hey, thank you so much.

[Yoda]

Thanks.

[Bill Walton]

Would you like soft, medium or hard pressure?

[Seals]

You know what? Start off medium. And if it gets. If it gets. If it's not good enough or if it's too hard, then it will adjust from there.

[Yoda]

Fantastic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Do you mind if there's a massage going on?

[Boobs Rinse]

Not at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

During the. Not at all.

[Boobs Rinse]

With my powers of deductive reasoning, I can learn a lot about these guys by watching the massage. Just observe.

[Seals]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

That man is.

[Seals]

That was medium Note.

[Bill Walton]

Take, kid.

[Boobs Rinse]

That man is in pain, is my observation. He's hurting right now and the other man is super strong.

[Seals]

I feel like your fingers got in between my ribs and I spat ribs. Hot ribs.

[Scott Aukerman]

So boobs.

[Tony]

Thanks. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are a Los Feliz private investigator.

[Boobs Rinse]

That's correct. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You mainly investigate cases within the city limits of Los Angeles Feliz.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yes. Although I've specified even further.

[Scott Aukerman]

You.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm doing Hillhurst Avenue only cases.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're doing. Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

One of the avenues of Los Feliz

[Scott Aukerman]

you're getting now more specific to just Hillhurst.

[Boobs Rinse]

Specific. Just Hillhurst Avenue and Los Feels.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm excluding little Doms.

[Boobs Rinse]

Little Doms is involved? Yes. Mustard Seed Cafe. I'm all over it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. These are local Los Angeles references.

[Boobs Rinse]

These are very well known local Los Angeles references. But Vermont Avenue? House of Pies. You're of luck, Fred. 62. I don't want to hear about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so nothing.

[Boobs Rinse]

Nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

It has to have an actual crime

[Boobs Rinse]

or the victim address must have a Hillhurst address within a block.

[Seals]

Surely you'll investigate something at Cafe Figaro.

[Boobs Rinse]

Cafe Figaro? No, I'm afraid not.

[Seals]

What?

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm afraid not. Unless one of the residents is lives two blocks to the east, then I would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so, but so this is very specific. Now last time you were on the show.

[Seals]

What if there's a murder at E?

[Boobs Rinse]

I can't do anything about it. Nothing at EK Unless they go hide in Maru coffee shop. Then I'm all over it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so.

[Boobs Rinse]

So if there's any involvement at all from the Hillhurst Avenue space.

[Seals]

What if someone's kidnapped from so plant.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know so much about Los Feliz, don't you? Where do you live again?

[Seals]

I used to live here in California, but currently I live in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Scott Aukerman]

And who. Who are you married to?

[Boobs Rinse]

He's to the phone.

[Seals]

I'm married to my wife. Smart guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sure. But what is her full Christian name?

[Seals]

Oh, okay. Why you look at it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't it Ruby something?

[Seals]

Her name is Ruby Jean Anderson. As I stated previously, we've been married since 1970. We have three children.

[Boobs Rinse]

Welcome to California.

[Seals]

My brother is England.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. How's he doing these days by the way?

[Seals]

He's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Great.

[Bill Walton]

Any problem areas?

[Seals]

My neck, my back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask follow up about your

[Boobs Rinse]

and your back And I don't mean to. I don't mean to rush this Scott, because it's an honor to be here but.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on?

[Boobs Rinse]

I got a heart out in half an hour. I have a meeting with Christopher Nolan later I'm hoping about a case.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, yeah, Christopher Nolan, local LA resident. What's going on with Christopher?

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm not sure. It's some kind of sit down talking about again. I'm hoping it's some kind of criminal case involving Hillhurst Avenue. Yeah, he sent me a script. I've read it. It doesn't seem to be about a crime, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I. Can I. Can I say the last time you were on the show we as we spoke to you more and more about your cases which seem to be almost non existent. We found out that you are actually a very, very successful actor and producer. You've won many, many awards. That's subjective because you don't view yourself as an actor. It sounds to me like Christopher Nolan has sent you a script maybe to star in.

[Boobs Rinse]

He said it says the Odyssey 2.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Odyssey 2.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, yeah, no, this.

[Seals]

Even further.

[Boobs Rinse]

Let me see. Yes. Odyssey 2. Even further.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think he wants you to be in this movie.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm assuming there's a Hillhurst Avenue about crime related to the Odyssey.

[Scott Aukerman]

I really doubt it. This was set thousands of years ago. The first Odyssey, at least. I don't know whether there's a time jump in the second Odyssey that's a

[Seals]

clue to, like, the 60s.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Yoda]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems to me like he wants your services as an actor.

[Boobs Rinse]

Listen, when you're a private eye, you can't take anything at face value, all right? So if Christopher Nolan sends me a script for the Odyssey 2 and he says, meet me for an audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? I just looked up Deadline. It says you're attached to the Odyssey 2 as an actor.

[Seals]

Oh, man, congrats.

[Boobs Rinse]

Well, thanks, but good for you.

[Bill Walton]

That's awesome. That's actually awesome, man. Good for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It says your people are in talks for you to star in it.

[Bill Walton]

That's awesome.

[Boobs Rinse]

That might be true.

[Seals]

That.

[Boobs Rinse]

That's. That's not a big part of my mind. It's not something I think about. It's not. It's not a part of my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you are willing to show up to set and learn all the lines?

[Boobs Rinse]

Sure. It could be good research for a case. If I ever have to investigate the murder of an actor, it could be good experience. Yeah, no, I'll be there.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll be there. Okay, good.

[Boobs Rinse]

But that's not something I'm going to invest a lot of preparation or time in. Oh, I've started learning how to pick locks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good skill for a private investigator.

[Boobs Rinse]

Can I demonstrate? You got any locks around here?

[Seals]

I got three.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah. You on you.

[Seals]

Yeah, just free float.

[Boobs Rinse]

Three bikes? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you have three bikes?

[Seals]

Because it's fun to ride a bike.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm sorry, let me see. What, at the same time? Surely.

[Seals]

How do you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Seals]

Yeah, you don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

It doesn't.

[Seals]

Shut up.

[Scott Aukerman]

You.

[Seals]

See you.

[Bill Walton]

This is palpable. This will be great on set. Here's a robe while you give me your locks.

[Seals]

Here's my three locks. I got a Yale. Okay. Oh, this one's also a Yale.

[Boobs Rinse]

Two Yales.

[Bill Walton]

And yeah.

[Seals]

Oh, I forgot this was a Yale, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

It's a great sturdy lock. I'll take the second Yale.

[Seals]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

All right. Now let me see. This is locked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

All right. Now we just get my lock picking kit. All right.

[Yoda]

Oh.

[Boobs Rinse]

Oh, sorry. Caught A little bit. Sorry, My finger's caught.

[Yoda]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

Oh, oh, hang on. Thumb is also caught. Hang on. Could you yank? I'm sorry. My finger and thumb are caught.

[Seals]

How getting you.

[Boobs Rinse]

Sorry. Both my thumb and finger are in.

[Seals]

Not that big an opening.

[Boobs Rinse]

I just yank the chain.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, God.

[Yoda]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yank it. Yank it.

[Seals]

I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Boobs.

[Boobs Rinse]

My finger and thumb are stuck in.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm reading further. Further on this deadline. You absolutely palpable. Further on this deadline article for the Odyssey 2. It says you play a character named the locksmith. Is that why you're learning all this?

[Boobs Rinse]

Hey, I put the idea in my head, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right.

[Boobs Rinse]

I was like, a locksmith could be good for a private. Okay, let me get the other one here. Let me get the other one here. You know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna do this one with my.

[Seals]

I call this one Big Bertha.

[Boobs Rinse]

Big birth of the lock.

[Seals]

Why? So I can differentiate the locks.

[Boobs Rinse]

Okay.

[Yoda]

All right.

[Boobs Rinse]

Give me Big Bertha.

[Seals]

Why is everybody attacking me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you're kind of an unpleasant jerk.

[Boobs Rinse]

Hey, man, I'm a huge fan. I just realized it now.

[Seals]

Thanks, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're just realizing now.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah, I Just putting it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What kind of private investigator are you?

[Bill Walton]

That you.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've been addressing him by name this entire show.

[Boobs Rinse]

I wanted to make sure. Sure he wasn't lying.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had to.

[Boobs Rinse]

I had to. I had to check my sources.

[Seals]

There's a lot of SEALs impersonators out there.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah, I bet you that's true.

[Yoda]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

All right, let me see a big birthday here. I'm gonna do this one with my feet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Seals]

Why

[Scott Aukerman]

Couldn't even do it with your hands. The feet.

[Boobs Rinse]

I've been practicing more with my feet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

This is in the case of a member. On my back. And there's a locked door within the reach of my feet. And I have to pick it with my feet.

[Seals]

How do you get.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why was there feet? Why would there be a door in reach of your feet?

[Boobs Rinse]

Let's say that I've been kidnapped by. By a murderer that I'm investigating. Right? And he gets. And he subdues me.

[Scott Aukerman]

He gets a drop on you.

[Yoda]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

And I. And I almost get him.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I. And I.

[Boobs Rinse]

And I.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're on your back, and there's a door right above your head.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah. And he's above. No, in front of me. Like, I'm on my back looking. And then down at my feet, there's a door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

And I hooch. I scooch my butt towards the door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

And then I reach My feet up like this. Hang on. Let me put the lock picking stuff in my toes. Okay, now this is more difficult.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just use your hand to put the lock picking.

[Boobs Rinse]

Okay, well, that's. Okay, well, let's just assume that. Let's assume that in this hypothetical case where I'm being chased by a murderer,

[Scott Aukerman]

you're just keeping lock picking. And I've got the tools in between

[Boobs Rinse]

your toes from now on. This is a good lesson. I'll keep my lock picking tools in my shoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's see this.

[Seals]

I get two sets.

[Boobs Rinse]

What's that?

[Seals]

I get two sets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Keep one for your hands.

[Boobs Rinse]

I don't know.

[Seals]

I'd have a shoe set and a handset.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'll have one set and I'll just keep in my shoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. Because if I.

[Boobs Rinse]

If I.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you could use your hands.

[Boobs Rinse]

If my hands are free, I'll just reach down and get them the out of my shoes.

[Seals]

Yeah, but I mean, they've been in your shoe all day.

[Boobs Rinse]

You're right. Okay, I'll get two sets. You know what? I'll get three. One for each hand, one for the right shoe. Here we go.

[Seals]

Maybe four.

[Boobs Rinse]

You four.

[Scott Aukerman]

The left shoe.

[Boobs Rinse]

Okay, Right now I can't use my left foot, but I'll practice on it.

[Yoda]

Why not?

[Boobs Rinse]

Why not have four?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Lewis, if.

[Seals]

If you use the one. If you. If they reverse one shoe and they're like, oh, you had lockpick tools in here. They never think you had another one in the other shoe.

[Boobs Rinse]

Reverse Daniel Day Lewis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because he could only use his left foot.

[Boobs Rinse]

Right. Instead of saying my right foot, it would just be like, my reverse left foot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Seals]

Hey, remember how he got a Oscar for that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

And then there was a little kid who did all the same exact.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he didn't anything. I know. Yeah, he. He does the first half hour of the movie talking about Simon Birch. No.

[Seals]

What?

[Bill Walton]

Simon Burch.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. AKA Owen Meanie.

[Seals]

Yeah. Daniel Day Lewis.

[Boobs Rinse]

Daniel Day Lewis was in Simon Burch?

[Seals]

Yeah, he wore an Oscar.

[Boobs Rinse]

I went out for Simon Burch.

[Bill Walton]

Can I actually say something? Yeah, please do some things together. My wife every week.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, don't do your Borat impression. Okay.

[Bill Walton]

When I do my Borat impression, you'll know it, brother. All right, so my wife, every week she goes to a private 101 yoga class at yoga law. And then she.

[Scott Aukerman]

She.

[Bill Walton]

I have a find my iPhone and I can see where she is. She's in Qi Dynasty for six hours.

[Boobs Rinse]

All right, this is exactly what I need. You met yoga vibe Right.

[Bill Walton]

Yoga vibe helmet.

[Boobs Rinse]

Savannah Yoga Studio.

[Bill Walton]

Yes, that's the one.

[Seals]

That's right.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

[Boobs Rinse]

No problem.

[Bill Walton]

So she always comes back very satisfied and smelling of my best friend.

[Seals]

Hey.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yes, but this is the case.

[Bill Walton]

She says she just really gets hungry for trust. Chinese food and Mai tai's after her yoga classes. And yet she's not gaining any weight.

[Yoda]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe the yoga's canceling it out or that's possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this a question about the case or are you leading up to asking him to be in your vertical?

[Bill Walton]

So, all that being said, I'm interested in this. I've got a lot of creative free time from noon to 7pm when your wife's at yoga? When my wife's at yoga. Yoga and then Chinese food with my best friend.

[Boobs Rinse]

You don't want me to look into

[Bill Walton]

this situation if you're noticing anything unusual. But mostly what I want is I need a big name actor like yourself.

[Boobs Rinse]

Well, I'm not a big name actor, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you have thousands of credits here on IMDb.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yes, but those were all incidental, accidental credits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Most of them accidental.

[Boobs Rinse]

Some of them I didn't even know were happening.

[Bill Walton]

I see a big green up arrow right next to your star meter, my friend.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah, so I don't have any control over. Over that.

[Seals]

Should I know the name Boobs Rinse? I'm embarrassed now.

[Boobs Rinse]

I don't think you should. I mean, I mean, these guys are

[Seals]

kind of saying you're famous.

[Boobs Rinse]

If you're familiar with the world of private eyes, then yes, you should know the name Boobs Rinse. But that's the only way you would know me. Let me.

[Seals]

Like real private eyes or fake one?

[Boobs Rinse]

Real private eyes.

[Seals]

I only know fake ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

It says here that you invented the COVID vaccine.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yes, but I didn't get a patent on that because I didn't. I wasn't interested in the glory.

[Seals]

That's why we call it the Fauci Ouchie.

[Boobs Rinse]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that.

[Boobs Rinse]

I love that it's called the Fauci Ouchie. He can have it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't mind it? Because I don't mind at all if it was the Boobs Ouchie.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah, I would.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would.

[Boobs Rinse]

I don't even want anything to do with that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it.

[Seals]

That's what a mammogram is called.

[Bill Walton]

You invented a mammogram.

[Boobs Rinse]

I invented a mammogram. I didn't invent the mammogram. I perfected it. They never worked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you perfected It.

[Boobs Rinse]

Somebody else invented it. But I did a second draft.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Okay.

[Seals]

And that's where they left it. Yes.

[Boobs Rinse]

Two drafts of the mammogram.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it was.

[Seals]

There's no better way to do this. Sorry.

[Boobs Rinse]

The original way was really. I was like, hey, just do this. And then it worked. And I was like, don't change the name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

I don't want it to be a boobs a gram.

[Bill Walton]

I send that to one of my friends every year on his birthday.

[Scott Aukerman]

A boobs a gram.

[Bill Walton]

Boobs a gram.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

Anyway, listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And I am listening. Believe me.

[Boobs Rinse]

I will take.

[Seals]

Did you invent jib jab?

[Boobs Rinse]

Did I invent jib jab? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I did pose during all of them.

[Boobs Rinse]

It says here, yes, I acted in

[Seals]

Body Fox for all jib jabs.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm the mocap source for most of the jib jabs. When they would have, like, Mitt Romney meeting up with, like, Don Draper, I was usually both of those guys.

[Seals]

Wow. Yeah. That was my favorite one.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah. Mitt Romney Chip chat was so. I mean, you really had to be in the Zeitgeist.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it was 2012.

[Boobs Rinse]

It doesn't work anymore. Yeah, it doesn't work anymore.

[Seals]

He says, my favorite meal is hot dog. And then Dodge goes, I don't think about you at all. And then they do a dance with Charles. Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

Turkey. The straw starts playing, and they both just start going nuts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

It was fun.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

I would just be the mocap guy. I can't take any credit for the writing. I wish I could.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the one thing you would take credit for. I would love to be known for

[Boobs Rinse]

the guy who did jib jab. God, they were good.

[Seals]

What a writer's room that must have been.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. You were saying something.

[Boobs Rinse]

I was. I'm gonna take the case of figuring out what happened to your wife, why she's disappearing into Qi Dynasty.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like he's going to be in the vertical.

[Bill Walton]

I'll hire you on the case if you disagree. The vertical?

[Boobs Rinse]

Well, I'm not really interested in the vertical.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean. But you are going to do it.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'll investigate the case. Where's the vertical? Where's the vertical being shot?

[Bill Walton]

Shanghai, China.

[Yoda]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

Well, then I'll just walk by set just as I'm investigating the case to see what happened to.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you may happen to say, whatever

[Boobs Rinse]

lines that Shanghai, China, which is connected to Qi Dynasty in some fashion.

[Bill Walton]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like, yeah, satellite, sort of.

[Seals]

So.

[Boobs Rinse]

All right, I'll go to Shanghai. Since it's A Hillhurst related business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, great.

[Bill Walton]

Okay, great.

[Boobs Rinse]

All of Shanghai. China is a Hillhurst Avenue related business.

[Seals]

Do you think China gets a cut of every Chinese restaurant?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Seals]

Like Pand. They have to, like, give them.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah, I would. I would think so.

[Bill Walton]

How do they keep the prices so low then?

[Seals]

Boy, that's a great question.

[Bill Walton]

It's a great question. That's why I love.

[Seals]

Maybe they send the money through the Internet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

Residuals is a bad postage.

[Boobs Rinse]

Residuals is a huge part of any actor. I never negotiated it, but I somehow got a piece of every episode of MASH that gets rerun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I mean, I. I'm reading here because you co created it with Larry Gelbart. Is that.

[Boobs Rinse]

Well, unofficially, Larry came up with most of the ideas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you came up with the asterisks. It says in between the letters.

[Boobs Rinse]

I was 10 years old and they were just going to call it MASH with no asterisks. I was like, that's going to confuse everybody. This is an asterisk.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's potatoes.

[Yoda]

Right.

[Boobs Rinse]

Put asterisks in between it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it. Wow. I mean, that's. So you got a huge cut. Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

I get 50% of all mash resistance.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm reading your biography. It says your circumcision. You got a huge cut.

[Boobs Rinse]

I got a huge cut?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

Oh, yeah. Separately than that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

When I.

[Scott Aukerman]

How big are we talking?

[Boobs Rinse]

When I was 10 years old, I said, let's go more on this.

[Bill Walton]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

I got the whole.

[Seals]

You got circumcised at 10 years old?

[Boobs Rinse]

10 years old, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Boobs Rinse]

Oh, I see, Jeff.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. You wanted more.

[Seals]

You want.

[Scott Aukerman]

You went all the way down to the shaft. Wow. Okay. Talk about shaft. I can dig it.

[Seals]

Shut your mouth. Now, let me ask you a question.

[Scott Aukerman]

And.

[Seals]

Okay, this isn't rude.

[Boobs Rinse]

I hope not.

[Seals]

How much do you get paid for your private eye services?

[Boobs Rinse]

10 cents a day plus expenses.

[Seals]

10 cents?

[Boobs Rinse]

Encyclopedia Brown rates.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I mean, you're so rich and famous that it doesn't.

[Boobs Rinse]

Irrelevant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

[Boobs Rinse]

First of all, I don't think I'm famous. Most people haven't heard of the name Boobs Rinse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

I have it in my contract that the audience has to be Men in black at the end of every one of my movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? Neuralized.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yep. They have to be neural. So I'm in the credits, but you get neuralized to have just that part of it forgotten.

[Seals]

So fly.

[Boobs Rinse]

So fly. Why, I thought you were complimenting my looks.

[Seals]

You are so fly.

[Boobs Rinse]

Oh, thank you.

[Seals]

Why don't you want people to know you're in the movie?

[Boobs Rinse]

Cuz I want people to focus on my private eye business.

[Seals]

Maybe don't do the movies.

[Boobs Rinse]

I shouldn't. You know what? That's a great idea. You know what, Bill? I can't. I can't help. I can't do your case.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fine.

[Bill Walton]

I don't want you to find out if my wife's cheating on me.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do I got to find out?

[Bill Walton]

Well, then do the thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got enough.

[Nana]

Go.

[Boobs Rinse]

All right, I'll do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right, well, I think that we've. We've. Look, we're here to solve problems. We have now.

[Seals]

Wait, are we?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we are. We have. I hooked you up with a musical partner. I hooked you up with a famous actor for your vertical.

[Boobs Rinse]

And you got me a case.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I got you a case. This is what Comedy Bang Bang does.

[Boobs Rinse]

You're going to get 10% of this. Whatever I make off it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I make 10% off of you and your acting career? Honestly?

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm afraid not. I'm afraid not. It's not important to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where are you repped?

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm repped by. Let me see. Currently, I'm repped by my brother.

[Nana]

Brother?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, right, yes. Is he the guy who. No, your roommate writes all the books about you.

[Boobs Rinse]

Bennett Quince. My roommate. And he also is my brother.

[Yoda]

I found out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's your brother as well.

[Bill Walton]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, a lot.

[Bill Walton]

We.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I would love to talk to him someday on the.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have.

[Boobs Rinse]

I think. You have a couple times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, never mind. All right.

[Bill Walton]

Well, I remember that.

[Boobs Rinse]

Dead ended. About like this, as I recall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Well, look, boobs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boobs. We have to.

[Boobs Rinse]

You talking to me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Boo. No. Yes.

[Nana]

Okay, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who did you think I was talking.

[Boobs Rinse]

I thought you were looking at your computer and you were just saying what you were looking at.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. I'm actually talking to you. We do need to get to our final.

[Bill Walton]

I cased a penis.

[Scott Aukerman]

We do need to get to our final guest of the show here.

[Boobs Rinse]

Can I stay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Please. No, Boobs. We want you to stay. Of course. They'd be thrilled to meet you, I'm sure.

[Boobs Rinse]

Okay, great.

[Seals]

Can I stay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Seals. Yeah, I would love for you to stay, Bill.

[Bill Walton]

Happy to. Thank you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I prefer to be asked, but okay.

[Bill Walton]

Well, yeah, I. I guess I'll just sit on your lap. We're out of chairs, but we'll be all right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, if you have to. Okay, let's get to them. They are the owners and proprietors of a certain website called cooldickshoes.com as well as other auxiliary websites. Please welcome back to the show Austin and Tony.

[Austin]

Thank you for having us.

[Bean Dip]

Hello.

[Tony]

Hello. Hey, take your helmet off.

[Austin]

Oh, take my helmet off?

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you have a helmet on?

[Austin]

I just.

[Tony]

We scootered. We scooted here.

[Austin]

You know that.

[Tony]

Yeah, you know.

[Austin]

Sorry. Do you mind just giving us a couple minutes to check in with each other?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we just haven't gotten. I guess you could have before the show, but. Yeah, go ahead.

[Seals]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Austin]

I love you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love.

[Tony]

We got this, dude.

[Austin]

We got this, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a big deal.

[Tony]

We're absolutely serious.

[Austin]

We're strong.

[Tony]

We're strong.

[Austin]

We're strong.

[Tony]

We're absolutely serious. We're business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's go.

[Tony]

All right.

[Austin]

1, 2, 3.

[Scott Aukerman]

You and me, baby.

[Tony]

1, 2, 3. You and me, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys good now?

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, we're good.

[Tony]

We're good. What's up? How's it going?

[Scott Aukerman]

Good, good, good, good. Austin and Tony, you're a couple of.

[Austin]

We're not a couple of.

[Tony]

No, relax. Yeah, relax. That'd be insane.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you are two separate high school aged gentlemen and you're still in high school. You're not graduating right now. It is May. May 4th.

[Austin]

Yes. Actually it's funny that you ask. We are graduating and we are. Are now hoping to go to college.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. And when we have checked in with you in the past, you have various businesses, one of them being cooldickshoes.com where you draw realistic to you penises on tennis shoes.

[Tony]

Yeah. And photorealistic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Photorealistic in the sense of the size of them.

[Tony]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the flaccidness of them.

[Seals]

And it's not like in the Martin Mulle way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, exactly, exactly.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what that means, but yeah.

[Seals]

Martin Mo, late actor, was also a photorealistic patriot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Meaning that he would paint things from memory or he would paint things that

[Seals]

looked like they were photographs of things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, why is that?

[Austin]

Is that like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just take the guy.

[Austin]

Tick tock guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Was he a tick tock?

[Austin]

What's tick tock?

[Tony]

What's tick tock?

[Austin]

Tick tock?

[Tony]

Tick tock?

[Scott Aukerman]

What the hell? You don't know what tick tock is?

[Seals]

Yeah, sure I do, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

To his credit, Seals is a 79 year old man.

[Seals]

I live in Nashville.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're married to Ruby Jean Anderson.

[Bill Walton]

Thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ever since.

[Seals]

Ever since 1970s.

[Scott Aukerman]

So the. Why would he know it? Yeah.

[Seals]

Nailed it. Ruby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Hell yeah, man. That's awesome.

[Boobs Rinse]

That's awesome, dude.

[Tony]

That's awesome. I love.

[Bill Walton]

I just want to clarify, just in case boobs might have the same confusion. This isn't shoes for cool. Private eyes who are sometimes called themselves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, boobs. I saw you. Your eyes lit up.

[Boobs Rinse]

That's what I was hoping. Cool dick shoes for a private dick.

[Tony]

Oh, yeah.

[Seals]

No.

[Tony]

Oh, well, it could be if you bought one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do you want to buy any? Maybe you could.

[Boobs Rinse]

I mean, if these are shoes for private eyes, I should buy them. Yeah.

[Austin]

There. They can be shoes for private eyes,

[Scott Aukerman]

but they are sneakers, by the way, and you sneak around when you're a private eyes.

[Boobs Rinse]

Are these quiet shoes?

[Tony]

Oh, really quiet.

[Austin]

They're super quiet.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'll take a pair.

[Tony]

Exactly. All right.

[Austin]

Okay, great. So that'll be a couple of years, and we'll get them to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

A couple of. Did you say years?

[Tony]

We have a. Here's the thing is we're going on with you guys. We're trying to. We're trying to go cut the.

[Austin]

Okay, don't look.

[Tony]

Okay, well, I'm locked in with the seal man. Won't you look at me dead in the eye?

[Austin]

Now I'm stuck up with him, too.

[Tony]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

Staring.

[Austin]

Connect with me through the seal.

[Tony]

Okay.

[Boobs Rinse]

They're staring straight.

[Tony]

There they are.

[Seals]

Be one seal.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know his name is seals, plural, right?

[Austin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just. We shorten everything. It's our generation. You guys are. This is the 17th year of this thing. You know, we're 17 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Dude. Were. Were your parents having sex? Listening to the show when the.

[Austin]

Well, we have different parents and. Yes, they were.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were. Okay, great.

[Austin]

They were both having sex on. You know those.

[Scott Aukerman]

With each other.

[Tony]

With each other. Yeah. Yeah.

[Austin]

You know those couches that are like at the bottom of. It's like a square, and then you go down into the couch.

[Bill Walton]

Recessed what? Recessed couches.

[Austin]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Austin]

So, like that. They're having sex like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, cool. So. Meaning they were taking the body positions of the. I don't care.

[Austin]

Yes, sir. That's what I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man.

[Seals]

I want to have. Have sex with you like one of those recessed couches.

[Scott Aukerman]

So tell me what's going on with your business?

[Bill Walton]

I mean, sorry, I took it your word.

[Scott Aukerman]

A backlog of. Of two. Two years or three years to get shoes to boobs over here. That's. I mean, that's too long.

[Tony]

Well, so here's the thing is we've been behind on production before, so this Time.

[Austin]

Our.

[Tony]

Our thing is like follow through. I mean, if you could go to www.cool Dick Shoes socks.com.

[Scott Aukerman]

sorry, what? A slightly different website. Www.cool Dick Shoes.

[Tony]

Socks.

[Bill Walton]

Socks.

[Tony]

Cool Dick Shoe Socks.

[Austin]

No Shoe socks. Yeah, there's just one s. This site

[Scott Aukerman]

doesn't support a secure connection. What? Maybe I shouldn't do that. Watch it, Scott.

[Boobs Rinse]

This is a track.

[Austin]

Really shouldn't be happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me see. Cool Dick shoes. Socks.

[Boobs Rinse]

Singular.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shoe.

[Austin]

Cool Dick shoe Socks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shoe socks dot com.

[Tony]

Cool Dick shoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go.

[Austin]

Because we just wanted to do something that we know we can make in production.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So Cool Dick shoe socks.

[Seals]

Wow, look at those.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It said there's a picture of socks that says socks are also shoes.

[Seals]

Oh, you're right.

[Tony]

Right.

[Austin]

Yeah, exactly. Dude, you get it. Seals get it. Seals gets it. Dude, that's great.

[Bill Walton]

That's great.

[Seals]

Seals get it.

[Tony]

Seals get it. These are socks for people. People and seals.

[Austin]

Because when you step outside and you're wearing socks, it's different than your toes being on the ground. So it's kind of like a shoe at the same time, but much easier to order.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this I see a picture of just one white athletic sock with a. With a tiny penis drawn on it.

[Austin]

That is correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bill Walton]

That's not tiny.

[Tony]

Well, it's embroidered and it's. It's tiny on the sock, but it is large. Energy wise.

[Seals]

It's really easy to order.

[Austin]

I'm going to use it. Please only order one. That's just one because.

[Seals]

Wait, you just get one sock.

[Bill Walton]

Sorry, I just ordered 100 for my whole family. I figured I could.

[Austin]

We have eight in stock.

[Tony]

We have eight.

[Seals]

I just got to that part of the website. This with eight in stock.

[Bill Walton]

Only one.

[Seals]

Only order one per order.

[Austin]

Per order. Only order one.

[Seals]

They're one size, man.

[Bill Walton]

Only order one sock per order. Again, just clarify that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've ordered 100. What do you.

[Bill Walton]

I ordered a hundred. So what will I.

[Austin]

You shouldn't be able.

[Tony]

You shouldn't be able to do that.

[Austin]

That was your job.

[Tony]

Well, I was a little stoned, I'll be honest.

[Bill Walton]

Hey.

[Seals]

This also says order submitted successfully and I have not placed an order.

[Austin]

So that's proof that you can order.

[Bill Walton]

Because I just got a big skull and crossbones on my phone screen here right after I clicked a link.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Seals]

I. Scroll down more. Scroll down a little more. It says we're actually doing it. We think.

[Tony]

Yes, look. Yeah, because we. We partnered with. What was it? Custom Printful. We've partnered with printful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Tony]

And so now we have socks that we will mail to people.

[Austin]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Printful is a company that makes apparel.

[Tony]

We've partnered with this company. Yeah. They make apparel. We did a prototype where we embroidered a sock.

[Boobs Rinse]

It's not working for me. I just subscribed to Kelsey Graham, Summer's only fans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, gee, that's.

[Boobs Rinse]

Am I on the right side?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I think you're an only fan, so. I am.

[Boobs Rinse]

Is that not where you said no?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

Would you like me to take my shoes off?

[Boobs Rinse]

All right.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, no. Watch out for the stage, Kelsey. Watch out for the edge of that stage.

[Tony]

Sorry, I accidentally linked to the wrong thing. Dude. I mixed up my servers.

[Boobs Rinse]

There's a link to Kelsey Grammar's only

[Seals]

fans on this website.

[Austin]

Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, I've clicked on the about link and there's pictures of both of you. And it says who we are. We're two bros with the right idea about socks with dicks on them. And the right idea, I guess, is that.

[Tony]

That they should have them.

[Scott Aukerman]

That they should have them on them. Yeah. We are still in footwear, but now do socks, which are really close to shoes. We want to be the first official duo college application. What does that mean?

[Austin]

So we're applying to Boulder, Colorado, as a duo.

[Tony]

Yeah, we're going together. Key part of our application is that

[Scott Aukerman]

you got to take both.

[Tony]

Both of you.

[Austin]

It's a duo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it.

[Austin]

We want to be treated as one human.

[Scott Aukerman]

So does that mean, like, only one tuition? Is that why you're doing it?

[Austin]

Actually, we're actually not concerned about the money.

[Tony]

No.

[Austin]

That sort of usually just sort of works out for us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay.

[Austin]

Our Mueller dads are lawyers.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Yeah. Yeah. You're so. So.

[Austin]

But I think they'll probably give us a two for one deal.

[Tony]

Yeah, probably.

[Austin]

That's what they do for writers in. In comedy rooms.

[Bean Dip]

That's true.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Why do you guys want to do. Why do you want this? I mean, you are such great friends.

[Austin]

Best friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intimate you weren't best friends, but it's okay.

[Tony]

There's a lot of people.

[Boobs Rinse]

Side question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

Mine says, don't be a nerd. Does everybody say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bean Dip]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're Kelsey Grammar only fans.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm back on the about page for CoolDickshoe socks.com and it says, don't be a nerd. Is that just mine?

[Bill Walton]

Comes my blazer.

[Austin]

That's just a friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't shut this window.

[Tony]

So embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I link to this. I just.

[Boobs Rinse]

Kelsey thinks I'm giving him requests and I'm not.

[Austin]

It's just a friendly reminder.

[Boobs Rinse]

Don't be a nerd.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have nothing in my shopping cart. Can I add something? Add the cart.

[Austin]

You can add a sock. We tested it this way.

[Boobs Rinse]

Be careful. I purchased a sock and it absolutely worked. Just beware of that five.

[Scott Aukerman]

$5. And now I can go to checkout.

[Boobs Rinse]

It absolutely did.

[Bill Walton]

Charged down to seven socks.

[Tony]

Hell yeah.

[Austin]

Did it charge you for shipping? We've been wondering about that.

[Boobs Rinse]

It charged a dollar for shipping.

[Austin]

A dollar? We're going to lose money, dude.

[Tony]

No way, cuz. The socks are like 300 bucks.

[Bill Walton]

How much are you paying for ship them?

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't know.

[Austin]

We haven't gotten the socks. They're coming April 3rd or 4th or 5th.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it wait, it's May 4th right now. You guys, the socks aren't coming for another 11 months. No.

[Tony]

If they're going to get these,

[Yoda]

I'm

[Boobs Rinse]

pretty sure I purchased a sock.

[Austin]

Okay, so there's seven in sock.

[Tony]

The other seven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bill Walton]

Can I speak to Tony's photo?

[Tony]

What?

[Bill Walton]

Tony, Can I speak to Tony's photo?

[Tony]

Can I speak to.

[Bill Walton]

Not like literally to the photo. Like it's an AI. Can I speak to.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can talk to Tony Austin about the photo.

[Bill Walton]

Tony, would you argue. Are you trying to kind of be like quite toy and flirtatious in this photo or what's the vibe you're going for?

[Tony]

Yeah, that was just something I sent to my girlfriend.

[Bill Walton]

The mirror is pretty filthy, Tony.

[Tony]

What?

[Bill Walton]

Just the mirror is pretty filthy for

[Nana]

like a promo photo.

[Tony]

But I took a shower though.

[Bill Walton]

No, right.

[Austin]

But it's like a photo.

[Bill Walton]

But the mirror didn't. It looks like.

[Tony]

But I took a shower though. Oh, this is so embarrassing.

[Bill Walton]

And then like when you're taking a screen grab of a photo. So I would take it out of editing mode because it still says crop in the top, right? So we can see that you are in editing mode.

[Scott Aukerman]

I ever heard Bill Walton

[Seals]

see something that says you're now ready to sell physical merchandise.

[Tony]

Oh, yeah, that's our pr.

[Austin]

That's our proof.

[Tony]

Yeah, because we. We.

[Seals]

That's not like a thing that was in the template that shouldn't be in there anymore.

[Austin]

What? Well, how do you guys believe in Y2Y young white men? How about that?

[Bill Walton]

You know, that's all I believe in.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm trying, okay?

[Seals]

That speaks to me because once I was two young white men and we really made it happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

You used to be two men.

[Seals]

Yeah, me and Crofts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Oh. I thought that you and another seal combined.

[Seals]

About Crofts again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, like together style. Allison Brie and Dave Franco style into one person.

[Seals]

No man.

[Bill Walton]

Or station style.

[Seals]

Sorry, station style.

[Bill Walton]

I said the wrong movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you say? The station agent?

[Bill Walton]

No. Well, the like the station agent where he splits in two at the end.

[Austin]

Dude, don't let it haunt you on the drive home.

[Bill Walton]

I'm going to. It's going to be a tough drive home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we'll call up Napster.

[Bill Walton]

Oh, why send me? I, I actually. I'd like to invest in this company. I think this is a great idea. And the only thing you're missing is scalability through like financial investment scale.

[Tony]

Okay, you're talking numbers. I'm. I'm a numbers guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're a numbers guy. Throw out three numbers.

[Tony]

Okay. Six, seven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Six, seven.

[Tony]

Very, very you guys.

[Bill Walton]

Bro,

[Tony]

I'm grabbing my.

[Seals]

You got mog for old Maxing.

[Tony]

You got mog.

[Bill Walton]

It's like I'm sitting next to two Jeff Ross's here. My worst nightmare.

[Tony]

Yeah, yeah. Except for Tony and Austin.

[Bill Walton]

Right? No, I know.

[Seals]

Got you there, Bill.

[Austin]

Got you there.

[Seals]

Wow.

[Bill Walton]

Just to clarify for everyone I know that that that's who they are.

[Austin]

I mean, we're not two Jeff Rosses.

[Bill Walton]

Anyway, I. I do like your kind of energy. I don't know that we'd be ever be in an office together if we work together. Cuz you've eviscerated me twice already. But I'd be willing to invest up to like $5 million in that business. Up to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bill Walton]

And minimum, I guess I'd slide that Zillow thing all the way to $1,500.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you can't get anything $1,500.

[Bill Walton]

Well, we'll. I want to see what the pitch is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bill Walton]

You know, I'd like to do 1500, but if it's worth the money.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got Bill Walton on the line. Okay, reeling in.

[Tony]

Okay, first of all, sorry for insulting you earlier.

[Scott Aukerman]

Earlier.

[Bill Walton]

It's water under the bridge.

[Tony]

Okay. Second of all.

[Seals]

Good.

[Tony]

Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that a good thing?

[Austin]

Yeah, you want water?

[Scott Aukerman]

You want water under a bridge?

[Bill Walton]

Oh yeah. Otherwise what's Garfunkel going to sing about?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, good point.

[Austin]

Oats. Trying to do like your guys thing. Oats?

[Tony]

Oats.

[Austin]

Cuz of Garfunkel.

[Tony]

You guys like Reverend?

[Austin]

Cuz you guys were talking. It's like a old band.

[Scott Aukerman]

References.

[Bill Walton]

Right. Well, graphical notes isn't an old man reference. No, it's like a millennial reference, so.

[Tony]

Well, that's an old man.

[Bill Walton]

So this is the.

[Tony]

Okay, right, right, right. Okay. So we did the chat. Okay, so. Okay, so what you. What you have here is a dynamic duo that has an artist.

[Austin]

Oh, we're re pitching from the beginning. That's good. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want to start?

[Tony]

I'll start wherever you want to start.

[Boobs Rinse]

In the middle. Start the exact middle.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the middle.

[Tony]

$5 a shoe.

[Austin]

If you could do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Austin]

They were starting in the middle of a sentence.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, in the middle of a sentence. Okay, if you could do it.

[Tony]

So. So what we. We have socks that are. We bought wholesale. We bought some.

[Austin]

We. We probably spent $50 a sock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah,

[Tony]

pretty much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Socks Fables.

[Austin]

Well, because they're embroidered. We didn't want them screen printed. Like that's cheap.

[Seals]

But like, these are just crew socks, right?

[Austin]

Yeah, but they're specialized, so.

[Seals]

I know, but I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you guys got ripped off.

[Tony]

What do you mean?

[Seals]

Was it printful? Was it printful where you got them embroidered?

[Tony]

Yeah, well, printful. Well, we partnered with them, so we sent them the proto.

[Seals]

Did you go to even one other place to see what it would cost?

[Austin]

Actually, we did. We went to custominc.com and they actually said that it would take. Was it two weeks to get here.

[Tony]

And we were like, it was untenable.

[Seals]

But printful can do it in house. How long?

[Scott Aukerman]

11 months, it sounds like.

[Austin]

Exactly.

[Tony]

Oh, dude, I told you we gotta

[Scott Aukerman]

stop smoking and doing this. Yeah, two weeks is left.

[Boobs Rinse]

I just ordered a sock.

[Yoda]

I need it.

[Boobs Rinse]

I need it in a week.

[Yoda]

Okay?

[Boobs Rinse]

I need it for a case.

[Tony]

For a case.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm investigating a puppet show. I need a sock to infiltrate.

[Austin]

No, no, no, dude, you can't not use it on your feet.

[Boobs Rinse]

I have to use it on my hand. Okay, I'll use it on my feet and I'll do the puppet with my feet.

[Austin]

Fine.

[Tony]

Okay. Okay, fine.

[Austin]

Deal.

[Boobs Rinse]

It's a puppet show. I have to be part of the puppet show to find out about the. The case.

[Austin]

What's the show about?

[Boobs Rinse]

It's called Abbott Elementary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, no. You're doing an episode of Abbott Elementary.

[Boobs Rinse]

I think technically, I guess I'm playing the part of a puppet puppeteer on this show called Abdel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we talk about how you're a regular on that show?

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm also a series regular, but that's when my face shows. When my face shows. I'm a new series radio in Abbott Elementary.

[Austin]

That's great, man.

[Boobs Rinse]

We wouldn't know that because a part of my contract is to neuralize everybody's memory of me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, right, right. Every time we watch it.

[Boobs Rinse]

But then I'm going to have a foot puppet in one of the episodes. And I got. And I don't have a sock yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you get this? Two boobs.

[Seals]

And this is tied into a case

[Boobs Rinse]

somehow, I assume that I got contracted to solve a case.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you just got.

[Boobs Rinse]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got cast on Abbott Elementary. I think.

[Boobs Rinse]

I don't.

[Yoda]

I.

[Boobs Rinse]

It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm.

[Boobs Rinse]

Look, the point is I need the sock in a week.

[Austin]

Where do you live? Cuz that's. We only have a dollar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you heard of Hillhurst Avenue?

[Austin]

We can run down there.

[Tony]

Yeah, we can have the scooter. It's so painful to get up here.

[Austin]

Are you by all time. Time.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm in that. I'm in. I'm in that neighborhood. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Cool.

[Tony]

Cool.

[Austin]

That's our favorite restaurant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Boobs Rinse]

Meet me at the flower shop right on the corner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my God. The lady that works there. Holy smokes. Totally hot. Really?

[Boobs Rinse]

I think I remember that person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you don't think that she's totally hot?

[Seals]

I'm sure she.

[Boobs Rinse]

I think she's attractive, but not at a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two teenage boys.

[Tony]

Are you kidding? Are you kidding?

[Scott Aukerman]

They're two teenage boys. They're attracted to anything.

[Yoda]

Boobs.

[Boobs Rinse]

Okay, you're right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean me just saying your name. They're looking at each other and laughing.

[Tony]

Imagine rinsing some boobs.

[Austin]

Rinsing boobs.

[Tony]

Imagine it.

[Austin]

You. Every time this guy showers, he's rinsing boobs.

[Boobs Rinse]

Rinsing boobs.

[Bill Walton]

Wait, that's the turn on for you guys. Every time he showers. Showers.

[Tony]

He's.

[Seals]

I think they're saying he's.

[Bill Walton]

That's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

A.

[Bill Walton]

That's fine. But you. You might be into men. I just want you to know that that's what you're excited about.

[Bean Dip]

I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're getting aroused at the thought of him showering

[Tony]

boobs.

[Bill Walton]

What fascinates me about you two and why I want to work with you is you've got one sense of like positive gen alpha masculinity where you really connect with each other and you take time. But then you've got the other thing that any teenage boy has to have, which is a deep fear of even a word implying that you're in a relationship.

[Austin]

Why don't you chill out?

[Tony]

Why would we ever kiss each other? We're busy kissing pictures of the flower girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Totally hot. You took Pictures of her? Yes.

[Austin]

Pictures across the street.

[Tony]

Yeah, whatever.

[Austin]

Whatever.

[Tony]

My phone comes with a zoom for a reason.

[Austin]

Also public space. It's legal. Legal.

[Tony]

It's legal. Dude, it's illegal.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's illegal. It's illegal. It's illegal.

[Boobs Rinse]

It is all legal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right?

[Austin]

It's all a. This is your expertise.

[Boobs Rinse]

That's absolutely right. It's 100 legal. I take pictures of people. Hill or St. Avenue, all the time.

[Austin]

Really?

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like you guys have a lot in common here. And you're so, so far, you're Austin and Tony's only customer.

[Tony]

Oh, I tell you.

[Austin]

Well, and we're.

[Scott Aukerman]

I put something in my card, I think, but I haven't, I haven't pressed the trigger.

[Boobs Rinse]

You didn't make the mistake of hitting submit like boobs?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, did you enter credit card info? I did.

[Austin]

Was it saved on your phone or. You knew it. Off the top of the dome.

[Boobs Rinse]

Off the top of my dome. I got a photographic memory just for my credit card.

[Austin]

If I could keep a credit card long enough, I'd remember those digits, buddy.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also you have an American Express. Black, it looks like so.

[Boobs Rinse]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, American Express sent it to me. I didn't even want it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Tony]

So. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What?

[Bill Walton]

Steven Seinfeld. Have one of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Austin or Tony, Whichever one you are already. No, I'm Tiny, you're Tony.

[Nana]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want to know, young child? Come closer.

[Boobs Rinse]

You're running out of energy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a little tired, man. What's going on?

[Austin]

Hit the vape, bro.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Hit the vape. And, and hit me with your question right after the vape. Okay? Okay. Totally hot.

[Tony]

Rings, rings, rings.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Bill Walton]

By the way. Not at all. For anyone listening. Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No, they're pretending it's just about six.

[Austin]

Saying it. Bro.

[Seals]

What's the flavor of that one? It smells like stew.

[Tony]

Yeah, it's stew.

[Scott Aukerman]

More like a guy named Stew. Stew.

[Tony]

Yeah, Stew.

[Austin]

Carrot ginger.

[Tony]

Stew Carrot ginger.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, what do you want to know?

[Tony]

I, I want to know. Cuz you said you had your credit card there typed in. So I want to know what holds you back from pressing send.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't want the item.

[Tony]

Tough hill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tough hill to. You told me to go to this website and, and poke around, which I did. But then I, I, I really don't care to actually pull the trigger on.

[Tony]

Because you're afraid. Cuz we've had people in the past be afraid that it wouldn't get here. And it will.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're sure it's. But it's going to take 11 months to get to. To boobs over here.

[Tony]

It'll. It'll take 11 months, but, man, you're probably going to want these socks. It could.

[Scott Aukerman]

What could.

[Tony]

Dude, they're mogging.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, I know, I know, I know.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How's it feel to be mog? Mog muggers, mog thyself. I'm tired, though.

[Tony]

Like, go easy. Like, what?

[Seals]

It's like, hit the vape. Hit the vape.

[Boobs Rinse]

That carrot ginger stew vape.

[Scott Aukerman]

I really think I embarrassed myself in front of those flower shop ladies.

[Austin]

Stop it. You did it. Stop it. No, she likes that.

[Tony]

Do you think?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Austin]

Yes, she likes that.

[Tony]

She'd be flattered by the boner that just happened.

[Austin]

She would be. Send her the picture of it. Dude, like I said.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's not. That's not what you want to be doing.

[Nana]

I don't have her number.

[Tony]

Can I. I just airdrop it?

[Austin]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Why don't you get her flowers from her own shop? Wouldn't that be romantic?

[Seals]

Oh, that's so romantic. If you make her pick out some flowers for you, what are your best flowers? What do you go to check out? Say, these are for you.

[Austin]

Don't hand those over here. Keep them right where they are, buddy, because I got you those flowers.

[Bean Dip]

Dude, this.

[Tony]

You're the smoothest guy I've ever heard in my life.

[Austin]

Oh, really? I was kind of kickbacking on there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it was kind of Bill Holden's idea.

[Bill Walton]

You can have that one. You can have that one.

[Austin]

So smooth. I piggybacked your mind.

[Tony]

Austin, that was sick, what you just saw.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boom.

[Tony]

Don't even hand those over.

[Bill Walton]

What's it called when you blow smoke into someone else's mouth?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's called why can't I remember why?

[Boobs Rinse]

This powerhouse or something like that.

[Bill Walton]

Powerhouse Candy, Flip candy. No, no, I'm sorry. Chimney.

[Austin]

Chimney.

[Seals]

Quiet storm or whatever.

[Austin]

What you say?

[Boobs Rinse]

Desert Storm.

[Seals]

Nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, look, guys, I. I think that you have. I don't know that you have a future with this particular facet of your business, but it sounds to me like you're going to go do some creepy thing to the lady who runs the flower store. So at least we have that, right? A what? Nothing. Nothing. Just hit. Hit the vape again. Unfortunately, we are running out of time. Time, guys, on this 17th anniversary show, we only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs.

[Nana]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was Round Bag Rock by John Kelly.

[Bill Walton]

What was the difference between that and Round Ball Rock?

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't know.

[Bill Walton]

Let's hear it again.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so.

[Seals]

That just sounded like the song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. I don't know what they added to it, but thank you so much to John Kelly. If you have a Plugs theme, head over to cbb world.com plugs. You can upload your songs there as well as find all of the stems you'll need for your remixes for the closing of the plug back theme. All right, guys, what are we plugging here? Seals, obviously you have a brand new partnership with bean dip.

[Seals]

That's right. But please do this in my back catalog of Seals and Crofts and also the champs. But I'd also like to say I might just turn up at a show called Variotopia with Paul F. Tompkins that's being recorded at the Lodge room. This is going to be a special.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a special.

[Seals]

This will not be live streamed. This will be recorded. Recorded for later purchase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Seals]

And when do you think that would happen?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, sometime in May, probably.

[Seals]

It will happen sometime this month in May. And you're about to find out when I drop this knowledge on you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man, I cannot wait for this

[Seals]

to do about it because it's May 17th.

[Scott Aukerman]

There you go. May 17th. Yeah.

[Seals]

And we may. They may even have some Crofts on the stage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy. May.

[Seals]

If they can find some.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

May 17th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic. All right, so thanks.

[Seals]

Fantastic.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how do people access this and go to variotopia.com?

[Seals]

of course, my fine fellow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you. You all right, Dan. What's your name? Bill Walton.

[Bill Walton]

Bill Walton. Bill Walton. Well, I guess I would rather live on the moon.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, we're not playing. Would you rather. I'm so sorry.

[Bill Walton]

My mistake, my mistake. What were the doing here?

[Scott Aukerman]

We're doing plugs. We're plugging your projects.

[Bill Walton]

Okay, well, obviously there's Eat, Pray, Dunk on the Comedy Bang Bang World network where Mark Rennie and I go across Los Angeles trying to sell our entourage.

[Scott Aukerman]

You ever go to Hillhurst?

[Bill Walton]

We have gone to Hillhurst. Actually, we should go back and find out if my wife's cheating on me.

[Boobs Rinse]

I'm on it.

[Bill Walton]

On what? My wife.

[Boobs Rinse]

Hillhurst Avenue.

[Bill Walton]

I was gonna say you motherfucker.

[Boobs Rinse]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should check out his wife while you're on Hillhurst Avenue.

[Seals]

First stop, you got to check out that really depressing bar, the drawing Room, sir.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why not?

[Bill Walton]

Bring cash.

[Seals]

Has a sign out front, proudly says, Open 6am that's bleak stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Walton]

Have a couple whiskeys at 6am in the drawing room. Then go flirt with the flower lady.

[Seals]

To be fair, you might be a nurse getting off a shift.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep, that's a good point.

[Seals]

Baby Jane Doe.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you. Oh, okay, you're banging your pots and pans.

[Bill Walton]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Anything else you're plugging?

[Bill Walton]

I gotta go.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, all right. Boobs rinse. What do you want to plug?

[Boobs Rinse]

Well, I want to plug Mustard seed cafe on Hillhurst Avenue. The Alcove Cafe is a great place if you want to sit outside.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you ever want to see boobs rinse, he's probably hanging out in one of these places.

[Boobs Rinse]

Could be the Starbucks resort.

[Scott Aukerman]

Learning lines.

[Boobs Rinse]

Starbucks reserve up by Los Feliz Boulevard has got great air conditioning. There's a code on the bathroom now, so you gotta. Gotta know that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, Bill.

[Seals]

Does that impact your day?

[Boobs Rinse]

If you want to see live streamed improv comedy, There's a new YouTube channel called World's greatest Improv that has Will Hines and some friends doing improv now and then. So if you want to see some friends, free live streamed improv. And boy, who doesn't. Who doesn't want to see three cameras pointed at a very small black box stage doing some pretty cool improv? That's world's greatest improv.

[Scott Aukerman]

YouTube. Fantastic. Austin and Tony, anything you want to plug?

[Tony]

It didn't go well.

[Austin]

What'd you say?

[Tony]

It just didn't go well with the girl. She sent back a laughing emoji.

[Yoda]

Whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what did you send to. I thought you were gonna actually buy flowers to. What? What'd you do?

[Tony]

Nothing. So we want to plug our friends podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Yeah, yeah. Whatever you want to do. The plugs are yours.

[Austin]

Anna and Isabella do improv. Just watch it or listen anywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just watch it or listen anywhere. Okay.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good.

[Austin]

Yeah, yeah. And also, thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

To whom are you speaking?

[Austin]

To you, sir.

[Tony]

To you, sir.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Tony]

We realize we didn't come in here with utmost respect.

[Austin]

We did not come in with even a gift at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Austin]

Which is what we. My mom said we should do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not necessary. It is our 17th anniversary. But it's. Yeah, no problem.

[Tony]

We appreciate you.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no problem.

[Austin]

And we appreciate everybody in here put.

[Bean Dip]

Put.

[Austin]

Putting such.

[Scott Aukerman]

Such.

[Austin]

Such wonderful fe.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can end it there. Thank you.

[Boobs Rinse]

No, that's so nice. Thank you very much.

[Austin]

I appreciate you.

[Tony]

We appreciate you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Appreciate you. Austin and Tony appreciate you.

[Tony]

We appreciate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I want to plug. Look, hey, we're going out on tour with Comedy Bang Bang here in just a few weeks. In about 33 weeks here. Well, can you imagine such a Thing Tour.

[Seals]

That takes me back, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. To touring. Yeah. So you guys were touring just up to last year, right?

[Seals]

Yeah, that's right. That's part of our year's active.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. So we're starting, I believe, in Toronto. We're going to so many places all across this country. Other countries. We up up there in Canada, actually. That's a great one.

[Seals]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to head over to cbbworld.comtour to get all the dates and to get tickets there. That'll be myself, a guy named Paul F. Tompkins at every episode. And then the Comedy Bang Bang All Stars. Maybe you guys will show up.

[Bill Walton]

Swish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Soon you'll get to hear Bill's famous catchphrase. Swish.

[Seals]

Swish. I bet I show up after Obi Ron Kenobi.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll see about that. So head over to CBB World, and while you're over there at CBB World, check out everything we have going on over there. We have the complete Comedy Bang Bang Archive hall ad free. We have every single live episode we've ever done. We have shows like the Neighborhood. Listen, the aforementioned Walton on Walton. No. What's your show called?

[Bill Walton]

SK A Walton on Walton.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have definitely a show called Heinz Improv to meet you. So much stuff going on over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Close back, open back, close back, close, open back, close back, open back, close back, close, close, close, close back, open back, close back, close, open back, close back, open back, close back, close, close, close, close back, open back, close back, close back, close back, open back, close, open back, close back, open back, open back, close, close, close, open back, close, open back. Quite a fade out there.

[Seals]

It might not be over.

[Scott Aukerman]

It isn't, actually. That was Closed Bag, Open Bag by Benja Appel. Thank you so much to Benja Appel. And speaking of, thank you, I want to thank everyone here and everyone who showed up and actually left to really made the 17th anniversary something special. That includes you, Bill Walton, you boobs Rent. What? You, Austin and Tony, and honestly, even you, Seals.

[Seals]

Hey, you. But also, congratulations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, thanks, man. Maybe someday I'll get to that number of years that you were active with Seals and Crofts. But before we go, I'd love to hear what you have planned for the eulogy that you're going to offer to Crofts here. I mean, you're going straight from here to the funeral, right?

[Yoda]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Seals]

A lot of people don't want me to speak.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why is that? You are the person who would know him maybe perhaps the Best.

[Seals]

It's true. But I do tend to freeze up when I have to talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Tony]

Really?

[Seals]

He did all the stage banter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he really? Like, what were some of his b. Like, some good.

[Seals]

He'd say stuff like, how y' all doing out there tonight?

[Scott Aukerman]

And you couldn't even offer that.

[Seals]

I would be like, haba, haba, haba, hubba. He has to step in.

[Scott Aukerman]

So did. This would happen every show you would try to do it.

[Seals]

Every. Sean, beg him. You just go first. And he would say, no, you got to do this.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you never con.

[Seals]

Even back at the champs.

[Boobs Rinse]

Was it because you had a crush on somebody in the audience and it was making you nervous?

[Seals]

Everybody.

[Yoda]

Okay.

[Seals]

I loved my audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do?

[Seals]

Even when it got time for me to sing Tequila, I couldn't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it sounds like you're not going to give this eulogy.

[Seals]

I'm going to try.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to try?

[Seals]

I'll practice a little bit here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's hear.

[Seals]

Like, We gotta say goodbye to my man Cross. Nobody did it like him except me, but he did a little bit better in high heels or backwards. And if anybody out there knows our song, Summer Breeze, sing it with us right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not a bad idea. I mean, I think maybe a lot of us know it. Austin. Tony, I bet. Have you ever heard Summer Breeze?

[Austin]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let's sing it. Yeah, let's sing it.

[Seals]

Wait. Is your favorite?

[Austin]

It's our favorite.

[Tony]

It's our favorite.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's maybe just. You guys should sing it then.

[Austin]

Some br. Some out. Braids, breathe me away Somehow Braids, breathe

[Tony]

me to hell

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly, kind of an improvement on.

[Seals]

I mean, I liked it. I wouldn't go that far.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Seals]

But I do like you incorporated the new singing style where everybody sounds like a Cajun baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of Cajun babies, we'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye.

[Yoda]

And, Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What?

[Bean Dip]

Is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on

[Boobs Rinse]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual Together.

[Yoda]

We're married.

[Boobs Rinse]

Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Boobs Rinse]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Liberty.

[Seals]

Liberty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Yoda]

Breathe in. Feel the sense of calm that comes

[Scott Aukerman]

from having up to $300 in overdraft.

[Yoda]

Protection with Goto bank now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you say $300?

[Yoda]

Yes yes. Now back to our breathing. So if I overspend my balance go2 bank has my back up to $300. Yes. Can we breathe out now? Less worries, more zen with over $300 in overdraft protection tap to open an account today. Eligible direct deposits and opt in required for overdraft protection fees. Terms and conditions apply.

[Seals]

Sometimes life will get you stressed out.

[Bill Walton]

Lucky you can always count on Text now. Free Talk free text free 5G and

[Seals]

they'll never shut you off. Cuz like I said it's free. Text now's got your back nationwide no long term contracts but all they nervous about losing service.

[Bill Walton]

Text now's got your back.

[Seals]

That's their sense of purpose. No matter what comes next, you've got Free talk and text with the Text now app.

[Bill Walton]

Wireless plans require the purchase of a sim card. Visit textnow.com for terms and conditions.