
An all-star lineup of CBB favorites celebrate the show’s 17th anniversary! We have Scott’s grandma Nana Aukerman, legendary mentor Yoda, soft rock empresario Seals, hotelier Bean Dip, sportscaster Bill Walton, private detective Boobs Rinse, as well as sneaker entrepreneurs Austin and Tony!
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Scott Aukerman
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Nana
Oh, the bigger the blood, the better.
Scott Aukerman
We have big, big blood between us, right?
Nana
Big, wet, sloppy blood.
Scott Aukerman
Big, sloppy blood. She is my what? What exactly is our relationship?
Nana
I'm your nana, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Nana
Meaning you're my grandmother, which means I love you, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Ah, thank you so much.
Nana
Happy birthday, Scotty.
Scott Aukerman
It's not my birthday. It is the birthday of the show. If that's okay. You can wish the podcast. Have you ever wished a podcast happy birthday?
Nana
What's a podcast, Nana?
Scott Aukerman
That is the eternal question.
Nana
Let's get back to talking about blood. Something I know quite a bucket about.
Scott Aukerman
Quite a. But, yeah, tell me what you know about blood. Like, let's just get a baseline of what you know.
Nana
Blood. It's in you to give.
Scott Aukerman
It's in you to give.
Nana
The slogan of the donation campaign. You ever heard that? Or is it Canadian?
Scott Aukerman
There's no. There's no way for you to give it without getting it from inside your body. Is that right?
Nana
Here's a riddle. The man who buys it doesn't want it. The man who eats it doesn't have it, and the man who swallows it never drank it.
Scott Aukerman
Blood.
Nana
Blood.
Scott Aukerman
Nana, you've been a good friend of the show. You've appeared approximately four times on the show, but we always love it when you're here.
Nana
I always come on your birthday, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
You do?
Nana
I wouldn't miss your birthday for the world.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much, Nan.
Nana
Happy birthday, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
I always enjoy seeing your weathered, weathered face on these momentous occasions.
Nana
That's right. It's covered in snow, sleet, rain.
Scott Aukerman
All things that the post office go ahead and deliver during you. The U.S. post Office, of course. I don't know if you know anything about that.
Nana
Usps. Which is also how I call my cats. Usps.
Scott Aukerman
What are their actual names?
Nana
No, like, that's a noise you make to make a cat.
Yoda
Usps.
Nana
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. You're a cat lady. Is that right?
Nana
I am a cat Nana. Okay, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana. Cat Nana.
Scott Aukerman
Nana. You know, we have a great relationship, although I don't believe I ever spoken to you before. About five years or so ago, we
Nana
like to keep our hangouts on air.
Scott Aukerman
Exactly. Yeah. We have a very. Like most of my relationships, I don't get to see many people unless they're on air.
Nana
Performative, Shallow.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you. What have you been up to since the last time we've seen you? And honestly, what have you been up to the last 17 years? I mean, 17 years is such a unique and specific amount of time. You must know what you've been doing since 2009.
Nana
Well, of course I know, but it's none of your damn business, boy.
Scott Aukerman
Well, why don't you tell the listeners, then? I'll put on earmuffs.
Nana
Oh, okay. Well, for the last 17 years, I've been pursuing a music career.
Scott Aukerman
A music career? I'm sorry.
Nana
You weren't supposed to be listening to
Scott Aukerman
Scallywag, but I just can't believe what I accidentally heard. You've been pursuing a music career?
Nana
I didn't want to bother you and the family about it because you were such a sickly boy that everyone had higher concerns. I didn't want to pull focus.
Scott Aukerman
Didn't know if I was going to pull through. Over the last 17 years, you had chickenitis, didn't you? I mean, something like that.
Nana
Your bones were like. Chicken bones.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, that's the problem. They're tinier than normal human bones.
Nana
Your toenails were long, like little chicken feet.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, anything that a chicken is like was corresponded to my body.
Nana
Yes, that's exactly right.
Scott Aukerman
So. So what type of music do you. I. When you say a music career, do you mean in performing?
Nana
Are you still laying eggs, boy?
Scott Aukerman
I guess I don't think I paused that much during that question. But what are you. Are you performing or are you music management? What area are you?
Nana
Well, I'm a performer, and I actually wrote something for you, scooty.
Scott Aukerman
Really?
Nana
Yes, because I know.
Scott Aukerman
To celebrate the 17th anniversary.
Nana
Your 17th birthday. And I know that now you're 17. You probably don't like the kind of music I normally make. Which is? Opera so beautiful you could cry.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, opera. Oh, okay.
Nana
No, not opera. Opera so beautiful you could cry.
Scott Aukerman
Opera so beautiful you could cry. Okay.
Nana
That's the kind I was dabbling in.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, well, could I. Could I hear this song that you've written for me?
Nana
This new one is a new genre, or gone ra, depending on how you pronounce it.
Scott Aukerman
Genre, probably, but yeah, go ahead.
Nana
I'm not French. I hate the French.
Scott Aukerman
Really? Why do you hate the French?
Nana
They killed my mother.
Scott Aukerman
The country of France as a whole,
Nana
or the French people.
Scott Aukerman
The French People all banded together to kill your mother.
Nana
Yes, in the revolution of Sacre bleu.
Scott Aukerman
Oh.
Nana
Anyways, that's for another time, boy.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Nana
Something I remember about your diagnosis as of chickenitis is that you can't handle too much information or you'll fall asleep.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. I have TMI chickenitis, so.
Nana
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
So I'm nodding off right now. Can you start the song?
Nana
I actually wrote it for you in the car ride over.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, wow. Okay. I'm excited to hear this.
Nana
I wanted to make it like something for a 17 year old chickeny boy. Okay, so I know you like some sorts of cool music.
Scott Aukerman
Sure. What? When you say cool music, what do you just listen. Okay.
Nana
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
Yoda
you, you, you, you, you, you,
Bill Walton
You.
Nana
Birthday. Your little squirt day. You are a fan of Colin Firth day. Let's go and raise a roof day and tell the truth day. It is your motherfucking boof day. Come on and shout ahoy because Deoi. Hey boy's day. Oh, scooty scoot. Yes, I love you I've never told you but I've been longing now to hold you for many years with many fears now I've cried my tears now and when I held that knife All I could see was my mama's eyes no one knows my struggle they only see the trouble not knowing it's hard to carry on when no one loves you Picture me inside the misery and poverty no man alive has ever witnessed Struggles I survived praying hard for better days Promise to hold on oh, I've gotten away from myself.
Scott Aukerman
Wow. That was incredible.
Nana
Thank you.
Scott Aukerman
It seemed to segue into all about your struggles as an elderly white woman towards the back half.
Nana
Yes. That's a song that I wrote with Tupac.
Scott Aukerman
And you say you wrote the majority of it on the way over in the car. Were you driving while you wrote it?
Nana
Unfortunately, yes. But I tried to do it at the red lights. And if you'll see in my phone note here, I really only wrote down the words that rhyme. So if you were to see the lyrics, it would just look like Berth Squirt, Colin Firth.
Scott Aukerman
Amazing that you're able to extrapolate.
Nana
Yes, I just kind of color the sentences just Free Bird style.
Scott Aukerman
That's.
Bill Walton
Oh, that.
Scott Aukerman
That was incredible. And to hear that you have never said that you loved me and want to tell me that and want to hold me, that's.
Nana
Don't remind me. I Can only say it in song, otherwise it makes me squohemish.
Yoda
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Well, I will allow you to hold me if you want to start around now. I think it's high time that our relationship progressed to the next level.
Nana
Oh, you really want to get your squeezes in with me while I'm. Before I'm gone.
Scott Aukerman
Before you're gone. Yeah. I would hate to look back on the missed opportunities of squeezing you.
Nana
Yeah, well, I'm the only one that really has all the memories of you now. All 17 years of your life. Yes, I remember them all.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I was almost 40 when I started the show. But yes, go ahead.
Bean Dip
No,
Nana
that can't be true because why are your legs still little boy sized?
Scott Aukerman
I, I mean, look, that's just a product, a byproduct of my unfortunate medical situation. But no, I, I, I have been alive for a little bit of time before that. But it's, you know, we reconnected and now I'm here for the squeezes. So open up those loving arms and let's get going.
Nana
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Gross.
Nana
Ew.
Scott Aukerman
Ew. Why are you slimy?
Nana
Feels like a chicken, smells like a chicken.
Austin
Boy.
Scott Aukerman
God. Smell like a fireplace after it hasn't been cleaned for 80 years.
Nana
That's enough. I smoke cigarettes. That's why. Yes, and if you were cool, you'd smoke too.
Scott Aukerman
I noticed you're wearing a leather jacket.
Nana
And, and on the back it says if you were cool, you'd smoke too. And then under that, it says, if you can read this, the bitch fell off. I don't have a motorcycle yet, but I'm saving up.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I can read it. And I guess the bitch did fall off.
Nana
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Well, it's.
Nana
Cause I used to give my neighbor Helen a little piggyback ride to the grocery store.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, I see.
Nana
Okay, so people around the cul de Sac know what it means.
Scott Aukerman
I understand. Well, Nana, I. It means the world to me that you are spending this very important anniversary with us.
Nana
Happy boo.
Scott Aukerman
Fees.
Tony
17.
Scott Aukerman
What an odd number. Is it a prime number? I think it might be, actually.
Nana
That's the chickenitis kicking in.
Scott Aukerman
Uh, oh. Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm falling asleep again. We gotta get to our next guest. Can you stick around for a little bit, Nana?
Nana
Of course. I'd love to. Happy birthday.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much. Well, we, we do need to. Our next guest. Let me turn my head slightly to look at who's here and. Oh, what's that music, Young Scott?
Yoda
It is I, your close friend, Yoda Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh my gosh. Yoda have we ever spoken before?
Yoda
I think we might have spoken once.
Scott Aukerman
Maybe about a year ago or something.
Yoda
Yeah, I probably stopped by once.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Yoda
Scott. May the fourth be with you. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
This is May 4th when this episode is coming out.
Yoda
It is also Scottish. Happy 17th birthday, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you. I mean, if in order of importance, I would say Happy 17th Birthday, and then may the 4th be with you, Scott.
Yoda
Yes, absolutely. Young nubile, young baby boy Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Again, I was 40 when this show started. 17 years ago.
Yoda
I don't believe that at all. I mean, look at your face. Wrinkleless. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, that's fair.
Yoda
You smell like a wet diaper, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, I think that's Nana, actually.
Yoda
Oh, that meant Nana.
Nana
Hello.
Seals
Oh, wow.
Yoda
She's. Jesus Christ. We can lose the music, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, I'm gonna do a tasteful fade out. Do you mind?
Yoda
Tasteful it was, Scott. Yes, tasteful it was. Now, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that's right. Yoda. You speak backwards.
Yoda
Backwards I speak? Sometimes.
Bill Walton
When?
Scott Aukerman
Remember it. Yoda does.
Yoda
If you remember in the movies, it really isn't every sentence he said no.
Scott Aukerman
In fact, in Empire Strikes Back, it kind of.
Yoda
He almost never does it.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. But then the more we grew to love Yoda, the more he just had. It was like my thing. I guess this is grew to love me.
Yoda
You did?
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Have you met my nana? Over here.
Nana
Hello. I'm well familiar with the way you speak, because I love Geoparty.
Yoda
What the hell is that?
Nana
What is.
Scott Aukerman
Did you mean to say the GOP Party?
Nana
Geoparty.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Yoda
What's Geo Party?
Nana
It's a game show in which you answer as a question.
Yoda
Ah, that's interesting. I don't think I'm necessarily turning my sentences into questions.
Nana
What is Yoda?
Scott Aukerman
No, that's more Jeopardy.
Nana
Yes. Geoparty.
Scott Aukerman
That's more Geoparty. I understand. If I thought that was a Canadian
Yoda
geopty, I would say something like. I would say Yoda. What is.
Scott Aukerman
You would say something like. If you were going the other way, it would be like this Tom Hanks movie was all about a grumpy neighbor.
Yoda
All about a grumpy old neighbor. This Tom Pex movie was.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. And then you'd say, what is a Man Called Otto?
Yoda
You watch Jeopardy, Scott?
Scott Aukerman
I have on occasion, sure. I mean, I'm not constantly not.
Yoda
Do you sit there and answer the questions, but you don't put them in the form of a question? So clearly you're cheating, but you feel like you're actually doing really well?
Scott Aukerman
No, I tried to do it within the form of the question.
Yoda
I don't believe you. Scott Cool off is always texting me. Like, Scott's such a fucking smartass. Sitting. Answering the questions. And also when he watches, he pauses it and goes, hold on. I know it.
Seals
I know.
Yoda
It's like you can't pause it.
Scott Aukerman
You can pause it during Final Jeopardy.
Yoda
Okay, but they have like, what, 30 seconds where the song plays.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, exactly.
Yoda
And you gotta pause it. Just let the song play.
Scott Aukerman
I know.
Nana
If they have to listen to the song, so should. So should you as well.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I guess it could distract one anyway. What?
Yoda
Think you're better? Think you're better than the song?
Scott Aukerman
You are.
Yoda
Yoda.
Scott Aukerman
What are you doing here?
Yoda
Scott there's been a disturbance in the Force.
Scott Aukerman
No, it's true.
Yoda
Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Tell me what's going on in the Force. I haven't really been keeping up with the Force.
Yoda
You haven't been keeping up with the Force?
Seals
Scott.
Austin
No.
Scott Aukerman
You know, Michael Jackson once said, the Force don't stop, keep on.
Yoda
Why did he say that?
Scott Aukerman
I don't know.
Yoda
What the hell was he talking about?
Scott Aukerman
I think he was talking about the literal Force because Star wars was out by then.
Yoda
Interesting. Did he want to be in Star wars like he wanted to be Peter Pan?
Scott Aukerman
I mean, he made Captain eo. So does that answer your question?
Yoda
I think it does answer my answering question.
Nana
I've heard that Michael Jackson's ashes are rolling around in BB8.
Scott Aukerman
Really?
Nana
That was his final wish.
Scott Aukerman
Is that why you hear sort of like a Shamon. Shamon.
Nana
Exactly.
Yoda
Scott. There's been a disturbance in the Force. Of course, Disney is reeling right now. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Why would Disney be reeling? They're a very popular company.
Yoda
Well, of course, they've had to dump their SORA deal. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, yes, I heard about this about a month ago.
Yoda
Generative AI. Of course they had to dump that.
Seals
But.
Yoda
But the real thing they're struggling with, Scott, is the Bachelorette. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that's about a month ago the Bachelorette was canceled. Yes.
Yoda
Taylor, Frankie, Paul. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Yoda
Threw a chair.
Scott Aukerman
Is that, by the way, when you say that, is that a Yodaism? You're saying it backwards, or is that.
Yoda
Yes, I'm actually reading her name like I would read it in a phone book, but you're hearing it normal.
Nana
But her name is Taylor Frankie Polska.
Bill Walton
Yes, it is.
Scott Aukerman
She's got three first names of men.
Nana
Taylor, Frankie Polska.
Scott Aukerman
Oh,
Yoda
yes, of course. She was pulled from the air her entire season of the Bachelorette. Pulled.
Scott Aukerman
Scott.
Yoda
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
This was entertainment news from last March.
Yoda
It's true. Scott. But Disney is still reeling. Scott. But they figured it out. Scott. Of course they were gonna lose billions of dollars on the Bachelorette franchise.
Scott Aukerman
I don't think that's true, but go ahead.
Yoda
Billions and billions of dollars of ad revenue.
Scott Aukerman
I don't think so.
Yoda
Marketing and merchandising.
Scott Aukerman
Sure. Merchant. Do they have merch?
Yoda
They have little toys. Little Taylor, Frankie Paul.
Scott Aukerman
Frankie Paul.
Bean Dip
Scott Toys.
Nana
Every R.O. supermarket is Bachelorette merch.
Scott Aukerman
I had no idea.
Yoda
You didn't know that? Scott. They were license.
Scott Aukerman
Even the ones they sell off by the highway.
Nana
Even those ones.
Yoda
Those counterfeit. But they, you know, they still count.
Scott Aukerman
Scott.
Yoda
I will be replacing Taylor Frankie Paul as the next Bachelorette. Scott.
Austin
Really?
Nana
I.
Scott Aukerman
You know, Yoda, I had always assumed that you were gendered as male, but I guess. Why? I, you know, the aliens maybe don't even have gender.
Yoda
Assuming makes ass out of you and me. It does.
Nana
Reading this. The fell off. She did.
Yoda
No, Scott. I of course transcend gender.
Scott Aukerman
Scott. Do you? Okay. I, you know, honestly, I had wondered every time that I watched these Star wars movies. You're in, you know you're in Star wars movies.
Yoda
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm in those Star wars movies.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I. I'd been wondering which ones have I in?
Yoda
Let's see. I'm here.
Scott Aukerman
Definitely the second one. The second one. Third one.
Yoda
Probably all the prequels.
Scott Aukerman
All the prequels. And then you're out.
Yoda
I believe I'm in the Last Jedi.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. You're a force.
Yoda
I show up as a force. Ghost in the last. Love that it was two days on set. Really fun stuff. Great guys.
Boobs Rinse
Love Ryan.
Scott Aukerman
Love improving with everyone.
Yoda
Love chopping it up with the GPS and stuff.
Nana
Sure. What other movies have you been in?
Yoda
Ghost.
Scott Aukerman
You were in Ghost?
Yoda
I was in Ghost. Of course they cut. They cut some of the parts, but anytime something goes floating. I was using the parts.
Scott Aukerman
Was it all the famous ghosts appeared in Ghost?
Yoda
I was in there.
Scott Aukerman
There. Yeah.
Yoda
You know who else? Casper was there. Oh, another famous ghost. Ghost Face Killer was there.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Ghost face was there.
Bill Walton
Wow.
Scott Aukerman
He was dropping some bars.
Seals
Of course.
Scott Aukerman
Of course.
Yoda
It's in the special edition, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
So now you're willing to date 35, 45, 55, 65 year old women. Year old women. Because there's one right here.
Yoda
Absolutely not.
Scott Aukerman
Who's 65 plus 30?
Yoda
Absolutely not. Scott. All the people I'm dating range between 20 and like 26.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, but you're hundreds if not thousands of years old. This isn't an episode of age of. What is that Netflix show Age of consent.
Nana
Age of attraction.
Scott Aukerman
Age of attraction. A very different show. Age of consent.
Yoda
You seem to be obsessed with age of consent. You say it all the time.
Scott Aukerman
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Nana
You keep muttering under your breath. How can I get in there? How can I get in there?
Yoda
Age of consent. What's the age of consent, Scott? I'm willing to date. First of all, I famously have been single for a really long time, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. I watched these Star wars movies and you'd think you would. There would be like one scene where you arrive at a premiere or something with like a female Yoda yaddle on
Yoda
my arm and just taking pictures. And I'm like, this is.
Scott Aukerman
This is in front of the step and repeat.
Yoda
And I'm like, turn around, let him see your butt. That kind of thing. But no, Scott, no yaddle. Did not fuck with me.
Scott Aukerman
Really? Okay, so you. Are you single by choice or.
Yoda
I'm an incel, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, incel.
Yoda
I am. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
I understand.
Yoda
Involuntarily. Never fucked, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
You've never had sex. You're a virgin.
Yoda
I a virgin. I am.
Scott Aukerman
Do you have genitals? Can you fuck, Scott? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yoda
Is it this kind of show, Scott, where you ask about people's genitals?
Scott Aukerman
No, you're right, it's not that.
Yoda
Did you ask your nana about her genitals?
Scott Aukerman
I mean, I can. Nana, do you have genitals?
Nana
I wouldn't dare.
Scott Aukerman
Can you milk me?
Yoda
I do have genitals, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
You do. And they're. They're the approximate.
Yoda
Jesus.
Scott Aukerman
This size, incredibly inappropriate shape of a human.
Nana
I've got a vagina. Her nickname is Genital Aniston.
Scott Aukerman
Does she have the Rachel cut those to labia lips?
Yoda
That's really interesting. I have a dick. It's named Brad dick.
Nana
What's yours? Scott called. See, I'm talking like Yoda.
Yoda
What's yours? Scott called.
Scott Aukerman
So you. You are.
Nana
He can't answer because he doesn't have.
Yoda
He doesn't want to talk about it.
Scott Aukerman
You have the parts is what I'm trying to ascertain. I have the parts.
Yoda
Have shot the entire season, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
You shot the entire season.
Yoda
It's in the bank. Of course. We took the last month to shoot this thing.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Yoda
And Scott, I'm here to tell you. Little preview. I'm engaged, Scott. Wow.
Scott Aukerman
You got engaged.
Yoda
I talked to Neil Lane. I got. I got the ring.
Scott Aukerman
That guy's plastic surgery is so subtle, isn't it?
Yoda
It's really interesting because he was. He Was missing for a couple seasons. And then I was like, where's Neil's late?
Seals
Neil Lane?
Yoda
Then he comes back and he looks like. Let's see, he looks like, like, you
Scott Aukerman
know in those movies when they're trying to strangle someone so they put Saran Wrap over their face. Yeah.
Yoda
I start to pop out just a little bit. Yeah. Neil. Neil Lane looks really up. But he hooked me up with a great ring. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, well, congratulations. So the show, you have to trust the process.
Yoda
Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Are you. Who are you? Do you mind dropping a hint? It's not Darth Vader, is it?
Yoda
Absolutely not. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Yoda
Darth Vader was the first in the first batch of people to go home.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, good.
Yoda
He came and of course he got out of the car and he walked over to me and he did a little force choke. And I was like, what the hell? He was like, oh, do you like that? And I was like, this is like, inappropriate.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, you gotta have boundaries.
Yoda
I didn't think it was cute.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, they, they, they intentionally cast this show with, with, you know, there's a
Yoda
couple of freaks that come out in the first couple minutes.
Scott Aukerman
Exactly. Yeah. So he got rid of Darth Vader.
Yoda
Got rid of Darth Vader. Oppo Rancisis came out. I was like, this guy's way too hairy for me.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, well, who's the guy? Dooku. He's where? His name sounds like Dookie.
Yoda
Count Dooku was not there.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Yoda
Famously killed Yaddle.
Seals
So I don't fuck with him.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, Right. Who's the robot who has, like, forearms and shit like that?
Yoda
Oh, that's, that's General Grievous. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Grievous, yes.
Yoda
And he collects lightsabers. Scott. So I. He wasn't there.
Scott Aukerman
He wasn't.
Yoda
But he did come to visit to give me some advice. One of those days. He was like, hey, I want to talk to you about. Just open yourself up to these people.
Scott Aukerman
And did you go to like a football field where they toss the ball around?
Yoda
We went to a football field and I was like, today's challenge. And they're like, challenge?
Seals
What are we talking about?
Yoda
I'm like, I need you guys to tackle each other as hard as possible. It's going to be really weird. Someone's going to get injured and somehow it's going to make me fall in love.
Nana
Did you have them try stand up comedy?
Yoda
Oh, yeah, we had them try stand up.
Scott Aukerman
It was.
Yoda
I said, said this is going to be the crowd work exercise where you don't have Anything planned, but I want you to get up there. It was very cringe, very inappropriate.
Scott Aukerman
And then one of the bachelors just made jokes about the person he hated who was one of his competitions.
Yoda
And then another one went up there and just, like, put his legs up on the wall and started twerking and said, is this funny? Is this funny?
Nana
And then, of course, the girl who cried because she had too much stage fright ended up winning the roles. And of course, even though she was the least.
Yoda
I felt so bad. I felt so bad for. I was like, hey, hey, let me talk to you.
Scott Aukerman
You know what?
Yoda
You're gonna get the rose. And I gave her the rose. And of course, she decided to go home because she said, I don't want to date a little guy.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, no. Did. Did your size factor into the decision making process?
Yoda
Well, a lot of people were uncomfortable carrying me around like a little teddy bear, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, yeah.
Yoda
But embarrassed.
Scott Aukerman
I was Grogu style.
Yoda
Grogu style. I didn't like that.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Did you ever get in a backpack or anything like that?
Yoda
I got in a couple backpacks, and I was. I was showing people how to jump over rocks and stuff like that. And it was cute for a bit. We atv, of course. And I was hanging on for dear life while a woman rode an ATV through the mud.
Nana
You can read this. The sith fell off.
Scott Aukerman
Did you use any. Any of your zapped powers to, like, you know, take their bras off or anything?
Nana
What's wrong with you?
Scott Aukerman
You have zapped powers, don't you?
Yoda
Trying to cancel me. You are Taylor. Frankie. I had to go in on my back best behavior, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
You know? No, of course. Yeah. But is there anything in your past in. In these Star wars movies that they can go like, oh, look, he had a. He had a lightsaber battle with this person, so.
Yoda
Well, Scott, I famously hid the fact that the Jedi Council had lost their connection to the Force in the prequel. One of my biggest shames.
Scott Aukerman
I don't remember any of this.
Yoda
It's famously the reason I went into exile. I did.
Scott Aukerman
So stupid.
Nana
Tell us about the Boom Boom Room.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, tell us about the Boom Boom Room.
Yoda
Well, of course. Fantasy. So Sweets was very fun.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Yoda
I. I went up to one of the bachelor. One of the eligible bachelorettes. Of course, there were men and women there.
Scott Aukerman
Good.
Yoda
And I said, hey, it's gotten really weird now on the show because obviously there's been a lot of weird sex stuff on this, but we're not gonna drink today. I'm gonna slide over a key to you, and I'm gonna say, hey, want to meet me upstairs for the fantasy suite? And when we get up there, I will be tweaking your nipples with the force. And they all said yes.
Scott Aukerman
They all said, good. Okay.
Seals
Yeah.
Yoda
And I did have to say to the second one, I was like, hey, just so you know, I did tweak the nipples of the first girl who I went into the fantasy tweets with. I just want to be open and honest with you. Trust the process. You should. And of course, she was absolutely cool with it. I went up there, tweaked the nipples with the Force. It was great.
Scott Aukerman
So this is male and female people.
Yoda
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Great.
Nana
And how much of the sex are you kind of delegating to the Force?
Yoda
Pretty much all of it.
Scott Aukerman
Because you have a tiny Yoda penis, I would imagine.
Yoda
Okay, Scott. Scott, come on.
Scott Aukerman
But you can. But I. I bet you can make the Force, like, in there just, like, pump away.
Yoda
I can absolutely make the Force pump away, Scott. And of course, when I shoot my midichlorians all over their chest, it is. It's fun for them, but, yeah, it's fun for them. I do use hyper crystals. I do use the Force to sort of like, create a force field around my tiny little dick so it feels like it's a little bit bigger.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. So instead of one inch, it's maybe one and a half.
Yoda
It's like three. Hey, I'm strong with the Force gun.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. So mean to suggest otherwise.
Yoda
Three inches is big, right?
Scott Aukerman
I mean, for Yoda's Nana, three inches
Yoda
is big, is it not?
Nana
Oh, three inches is huge compared to what Scooty's got.
Yoda
I mean, come on, Nana. Thank God.
Scott Aukerman
You did used to change me back.
Nana
Yes, I did.
Scott Aukerman
Years ago.
Nana
I changed you many years in a row, and things never matured.
Scott Aukerman
That happens, Scott. Especially when you first get to know me when I'm in my 40s.
Yoda
Scott. The new thing that we're doing on the. The franchise is, of course, I'm supposed to recruit my replacement. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Yoda
And I was wondering, do you want to be the next Bachelor? Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my God.
Yoda
First podcasting Bachelor.
Scott Aukerman
The first podcasting bachelor.
Nana
This would be huge for the French fries.
Yoda
It would be huge for the French.
Scott Aukerman
For the French fries.
Yoda
You too will be. Scott.
Nana
What do you mean?
Scott Aukerman
I never dreamed that I would even be thought of as someone who could pull this up. But, of course, I. I'm very honored. I. Scott. Yes.
Yoda
You will find love. You must trust the process. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Now, does it matter that I'm happily married. And. No, it doesn't.
Bill Walton
Absolutely not.
Yoda
Most of the people going on there have secret relationships, stuff like that.
Scott Aukerman
Good. Yeah.
Yoda
Scott, are there any videos of you. You wearing, like, a Hitler uniform at, like, a birthday party or not at a birthday party?
Scott Aukerman
Is that the bad part of that?
Yoda
I think you're clear. As long as it's at a birthday party, I think you should be totally fine.
Nana
We're jumping in a little fast because he's never been a contestant. So, Scooty, if you were a contestant and you came out of the limousine, what would you say to the mate?
Yoda
That's a great question.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. Yes. So I would try to figure out something about Yoda. So I would. Would go back into the movies and kind of go, okay, let's see.
Yoda
What do I think about? I hate these things. I call them stupid.
Scott Aukerman
I like the first three.
Yoda
Sure, sure.
Scott Aukerman
And I would think, okay, so Yoda, what do we know about him? He obviously lied about the Jedi Council,
Yoda
of course, losing connection to the force of the prequels, obviously.
Scott Aukerman
Huge part, big part that we know. Oh, order 80. No, no, nine.
Yoda
60.
Scott Aukerman
70.
Yoda
Order 66, Scott. 66. Get your kicks on order 66.
Scott Aukerman
There. Maybe there's something there. Like, hey, is your name Route 66? Because I'm about to order 66.
Nana
I've got a better one. Something, something. 66. Why not 69?
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Yoda
I don't know if I would like you bringing up the order that killed all the Jedi. Hey, quite possibly one of the worst
Scott Aukerman
moments of my entire order 66. Add three to that, and maybe we have something going on.
Nana
Yeah, but you have to do. You have to say what it equals.
Yoda
Like 69. I do. Would probably laugh, give high five. I would, sure.
Scott Aukerman
But maybe turn away and there'd be a tear rolling.
Yoda
A little tear. Like the commercial with the native person where they're throwing trash on the ground. Sure, of course.
Seals
Yes.
Yoda
Yeah, that might work, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
That might work.
Yoda
And now, if you were the bachelor yourself, Scott, what would you do in your opening package? Would you be showing you doing a fun podcast with Adam, Scott?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, usually, I mean, it's people running down the beach.
Yoda
Oh, yeah. You'd have to be running and working out, looking out a window. Of course.
Scott Aukerman
I would probably. They would. They would probably film me working out for the first time and me getting very out of breath.
Nana
Be careful, Scott. You know the doctor advised you don't run on the beach.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Nana
He's got chickenitis, so the bones are so fragile, they'll Dig into the sand and snap clean off.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. My legs will just.
Yoda
Chickenitis you have.
Scott Aukerman
I have chickenitis. Is that gonna be a problem with the Bachelorette?
Yoda
Not good. That is.
Nana
Maybe your intro could be. I'm Scott Halkerman. I've got chickenitis, but I'm still the cock of the walk.
Scott Aukerman
Hey, this is not bad.
Yoda
You're always spitting, Nana. Spitting hot bars over there.
Scott Aukerman
Wow. So do you. Do I have a shot, Scott?
Yoda
I. A shot you might have, but honestly, I think you might do better on the beach, Scott. Bachelor in paradise.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Yoda
Where it gets all sloppy, you eat a bunch of nachos, drink, and then sexually harass people.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, okay. Yeah, I can do that.
Yoda
You can do that.
Scott Aukerman
I can eat nachos. Yeah.
Yoda
I need to ask you a question, Scott.
Seals
Yeah.
Yoda
Trust the process. You do.
Scott Aukerman
I suppose I trust the process, Nana. Should I trust the process?
Nana
If you're gonna go on the beach, boy, you better wear snowshoes.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Can I bring my snowshoes?
Yoda
I'll allow it, Scott. Allow it. I will, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, yeah. Wow. I mean, sounds like we have a deal.
Yoda
Sorry, I misspoke for a second. I meant to say allow it. I will, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you very much. Yes. Okay, well, I'm in.
Yoda
This is gonna be great for your whole social media presence, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, I'm not thinking about that. Wink, wink, wink, wink.
Yoda
All the be doing for, like, you know, weird deodorant.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, deodorant. Monkey deodorant.
Yoda
Mud deodorant.
Scott Aukerman
Mud deodorant.
Yoda
Did you realize that actually, the fact that you're wearing actual deodorant is making you smell like wear mud under your arms? You should, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Well, I think we have a deal. I mean, and. And you. Congratulations to you. I mean, it sounds like you're in a great relationship. Is there some sort of, like, force wedding that's going to happen or.
Yoda
Force wedding? Scott, don't be stupid. Are you a fucking idiot?
Scott Aukerman
I apologize. I don't know these.
Yoda
We're doing a midichlorian ceremony, of course.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, God, yes. Is this gonna be in the Mandalorian and Grogu movie that's coming out here?
Yoda
Big wedding scene, right? Like 30 minutes in. Everyone's invited, you know.
Scott Aukerman
Wow.
Yoda
It'll be great. Darth Maul will be there.
Scott Aukerman
Maul will be there.
Yoda
It's true.
Scott Aukerman
Wearing his bug legs or whatever happened in the Clone Wars.
Yoda
He will be wearing his bug legs, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
One of the craziest things to happen.
Yoda
Nana, you get it.
Nana
I understand it all Can Nana come?
Scott Aukerman
Can she be my plus one?
Nana
Please let me come. I'm dying to see a Sith Lord with bug legs.
Yoda
Nana, if you're trying to come, I don't think I can do that for you anymore. I'm engaged. Come on now.
Nana
Come on now. Hey o.
Scott Aukerman
Hey o.
Nana
Or should I say O?
Yoda
A O A.
Scott Aukerman
Well, Yoda, congratulations to you and I look forward to seeing you on the beach. I'm sure you're gonna come by.
Yoda
You think? I don't know.
Scott Aukerman
Welcome. Yur I think is welcome yore.
Yoda
Whatever.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah, but. And Nana, you thank Scott.
Yoda
You thanks Scott. And may the 4th be with you.
Scott Aukerman
May the 4th be with us all. And may the 17th anniversary be with everyone.
Nana
Happy birthday, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much. Nana.
Yoda
We're gonna take a to you Happy bir birthday.
Scott Aukerman
Do you want me to start your music back up again? By the way, why don't you start
Yoda
it up while I sing Happy Birthday.
Scott Aukerman
All right, here we go.
Yoda
Do you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Scott to you. Happy birthday. Are you now how old? Okay, we can slow it down.
Scott Aukerman
All right, we're gonna take a break. We have so many guests coming through here. We're gonna take a little bit of break a lip. Just a little bit of break.
Yoda
Break off a little break.
Scott Aukerman
Break off a little bit of break. This is the 17th anniversary episode of Comedy Bang Bang. We're gonna be right back after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence. Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer, and get paid all in one place. I hate going to a separate place to get paid. Now you can get paid right there at Squarespace. Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services and get paid. With built in scheduling, invoicing and email tools, you can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates. No experience needed. Plus, built in SEO helps fans and clients find you while custom domains keep your brand polished and secure. Showcase videos, promote events, or even monetize content. Everything is designed to help you grow your audience and your business. Check out squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Aura Frame is the perfect Mother's Day gift to capture the chaos that you put her through and the Memories that came with it make a meaningful impression with a gift that feels personal from the very first moment. Photos can be preloaded before the frame ship so it arrives already filled with favorite memories. And a custom message can be added to create an extra special unboxing experience. Thoughtful, ready to enjoy. Uniquely tailored, it is a gift that instantly feels one of a kind. Now, I have said this before. I'm glad Aura's back. I think it is the greatest invention since gps. It's a frame that basically you just upload pictures to and they constantly cycle through every minute. Every couple of minutes, you look over at the frame, there's another couple of pictures there that you, you took. And you're always, it's, it's a conversation piece. You're always like, oh, look. To remember that. I cannot tell you how many times a day we're gathering people over and going saying, hey, look at this. Do you remember when you were young like that? This is for a baby, not for your mother. Although I guess you could say it to your mother. It is a great, great gift. The best gift that I have given. It's named number one by Wirecutter. So you can save on the gifts moms love by visiting auraframes.com for a limited time. Listeners can get $25 off their best selling Carver mat frame with code Bang Bang. So what that is is auraframes.com auraframes.com promo code Bang Bang. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Your outdoor space should feel like you right? But it can take a long time to get there. Now we have an outdoor space here at our house down out in the backyard. And before Wayfair, we didn't have any chairs there. People, they came, they either stood or they, they had to stand on their, their head or their hands doing handstands the entire time. And that can get exhausting when you're just trying to have a few canapes, you know, just trying to pass the cav around caviar and, you know, we had to get some. Well, enter Wayfair now. Whether your vibe is modern coastal farmhouse or eclectic, Wayfair has the pieces to create an outdoor space that is uniquely yours. We got some chairs out for the backyard and people are finally thanking us. Oh, I'm not exhausted anymore. When you, when we come over to your place. Oh, wow, my, my tushy actually feels comforted and cradled by these chairs. I mean, they're just saying they're sitting on the chairs, but look, these are comfortable chairs. I Love them now. With filters, customer reviews and visual tools that help you actually imagine how the item will look in your space, Wayfair makes it simple to narrow down to what works for your style and your budget. From everything it's we they have everything from outdoor seating and grills to lighting and decorating or look, Wayfair is your one stop shop for home. I hate stopping at more than one stop when I'm shop. Installation and assembly services are available to create a truly seamless experience. And look. If you want an even faster shortcut to the good stuff, shop. Wayfair verified products that their team of specialists have vetted by with their own hands using a 10 point quality inspection. Get prepped for patio season for way less head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that is W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style every home Comedy Bang Bang 17th anniversary episode. Wow, what a an incredible anniversary. It's already been with Nana and Yoda. Nana had to leave it. Yoda, you're still here. Or still here. You are still here. I am. Scott. Yes, of course.
Seals
Back.
Yoda
We are, Scott. Like we never left.
Scott Aukerman
Scott. Yeah, thinking I'm back. I am.
Yoda
I'm thinking I'm back.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Just doing away with it. Hey, sometimes.
Yoda
Listen, if I do it all the time, I'm going to sound like an idiot.
Scott Aukerman
Scott. Yeah, I understand.
Yoda
Yoda don't want to sound dumb.
Nana
I do.
Scott Aukerman
Of course not. So, so gratifying to have you here, Yoda.
Yoda
Gratifying?
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Yoda
I've never heard it described that way. So it's gratifying to have me.
Scott Aukerman
It is gratifying to me to have you here. Yes.
Yoda
Scott. Touched.
Scott Aukerman
I am well that this is me poking you.
Yoda
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
To get you to shut up.
Yoda
Stop, Stop. You shut up.
Tony
All right.
Yoda
Don't like this. I do.
Scott Aukerman
All right, well, let me get to our next guest. This is incredible. He's entering the first Timers club on Comedy Bang Bang. He is a major musician who has, I would imagine must have at least one number one single top ten albums. I'm guessing. I really don't know. But please welcome to the show for the first time. Seals.
Seals
He thinks. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Hey, great to see you. By the way, I want to see you. I want to clarify, I did not say Seal, right? AKA Kiss from a rose.
Seals
The Acne Scar guy.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, he would love to be known as the musician, but.
Seals
Yeah, that's right. He does sing to you.
Scott Aukerman
Wait, you think that when Seal first came on the scene, people Just like stared at his acne scars and.
Seals
I mean, that's what I did.
Scott Aukerman
No, he was singing the entire time.
Seals
I was like, why is this guy famous?
Scott Aukerman
We. We can't all.
Seals
He got to meet Batman.
Scott Aukerman
He did get to me. But look, the Joker got to meet Batman. He had scars. So maybe Batman just has a thing for guys with scars.
Seals
Yeah, you think?
Yoda
Seal ever since said, do you want to know how I got these scars?
Seals
Who's this little guy?
Yoda
Yoda.
Scott Aukerman
Yoda's over here. Yoda. He is.
Seals
Hey, man, I don't know if people say this to you loud, but you kind of smell like a fish tank.
Yoda
It's true. I got that rotten little fishy smell.
Seals
Are you from a swamp?
Yoda
The swamps of Dagobah.
Seals
Of course. Sure.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Yeah. Where are you from, seals? You're from Florida, probably. If I had to guess or because.
Seals
Because of the soft rock. Yeah, no, I get that.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
If I had to say where I was from, I probably say that, you know, I'm from Sydney, Texas.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that makes sense. Okay.
Seals
But then I do, of course, I developed a soft rock accent.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, yes, of course. Yes. Now you were in a.
Seals
Right now. Yes, I live in Nashville, Tennessee.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Seals
And I'm 79 years old.
Scott Aukerman
You're saying all of this as if it's a surprise to you.
Seals
No, it should be a surprise to you.
Scott Aukerman
You. It is a surprise to me. I knew neither.
Seals
Like, did you even know? My spouse's name is Ruby Jean Anderson. We got married in 1970.
Scott Aukerman
I had no.
Seals
We have three children and my brother's England. Dan of England. Dan and John Ford Coley.
Scott Aukerman
Now that I did know, that's a. A very unique bit of yacht rock trivia.
Seals
Do you know my cousins names?
Scott Aukerman
I. I don't.
Seals
Brady and Troy.
Yoda
This guy really is seal.
Scott Aukerman
You passed the test, Seals. Now seals, you.
Seals
Summer breeze sure makes me feel fine.
Scott Aukerman
That is one of your most famous songs. When I say your most famous songs, I mean you own half of it, I guess.
Seals
Yeah, I guess now own all of it.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Because you were in a group called Seals and Crofts. That's right. And Crofts. Unfortunately, he grew up Crofted. We don't mean to laugh at the he Crofts. Of course, when you say crofted. He passed away recently.
Seals
Well, I said crufted.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, you said crufted?
Seals
Yeah.
Yoda
Why?
Seals
It's the past tense of Crofts. That means he's no longer with us.
Scott Aukerman
He is. No, he is no longer with us. You guys had a. A great partnership that lasted many decades.
Seals
Man, we really did.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. You sang Summer Breeze. Other songs.
Seals
Diamond Girl. You remember that song?
Scott Aukerman
Not really.
Seals
You don't remember Diamond Girl?
Scott Aukerman
I mean, I'm presuming it's about a girl who either looks like a diamond or likes diamond so much about that
Seals
lady from the X Men.
Scott Aukerman
Emma Frost.
Seals
Is that who it was?
Scott Aukerman
Yes, yes.
Seals
She had diamond hard skin diamond hard
Scott Aukerman
skin but then she would lose her telepathy.
Seals
Oh, no.
Scott Aukerman
She had to pick one or the other.
Seals
I didn't know that about her.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, well, I didn't know this about your. Your wife's name.
Seals
Yeah. And you know the song Get Closer?
Scott Aukerman
I don't really do. Can you sing, darling?
Seals
If you want to be.
Scott Aukerman
I do you.
Seals
Sorry. You don't have to dismiss me.
Scott Aukerman
I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll let you. I'll let you cook. Here you go.
Seals
Closer to you. I'm done.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, great. Is that how long your concerts would be? You would just sing half the chorus and say, I'm done.
Seals
Fun sometimes. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Look, we're older gentlemen.
Seals
We're older gentlemen now. I'm the only older gentleman.
Scott Aukerman
I'm so sorry. My, my. My sympathies are with you. Croft Crufted is no longer. No longer with us. And so I. One has to ask, what are your plans now in music? Do you think that you're going to find another partnership?
Seals
I've been looking for people with the name Crofts.
Scott Aukerman
That's going to be a tough one. I. I've only heard of one in my. Well, Lara Croft. But that's just the Croft.
Seals
Yeah, and then there's Sid and Marty Croft, but they spell it with a K. And also they're even older. I can't rely on those guys if Lara. Because they would count two crops.
Scott Aukerman
Two, Two.
Seals
Two crops makes a crops. Yes.
Scott Aukerman
So maybe you could do that. You could find Lara Croft and another Croft. Famous Crofts. I'm going to look this up.
Seals
If I get two fake people. Is there a real Lara Croft? Is she based on an actual historical person?
Scott Aukerman
I don't think so, but dang. Oh. We have a former British tennis player, Annabelle Croft, actor Sebastian Croft, and mystery author Freeman Willis Croft. Crofts.
Seals
So what?
Scott Aukerman
That's right.
Seals
A guy with the name already Crofts.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. A mystery author.
Seals
Oh, so no one knows who he is?
Scott Aukerman
I have some bad news for you.
Seals
What?
Scott Aukerman
Born 1879. Oh, and is he crafting? He crafted back in 19. Back in 1957. He, by the way, was a railway engineer by training. And he introduced railway Themes into many of his stories.
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Maybe you could have incorporated that into your music.
Seals
Yeah, like Railroad girl.
Scott Aukerman
Was that. Is that a girl who travels by train a lot?
Seals
She's made of railroads.
Scott Aukerman
She's made of railroads.
Seals
Wow.
Scott Aukerman
I'm so sorry that. That Freeman Willis Croft is no longer with us. But the.
Tony
The.
Scott Aukerman
The hunt continues. Oh, Dash Crofts.
Boobs Rinse
Oh, no.
Scott Aukerman
That's your crops. From Seals of Crops.
Seals
That's a low blow, man.
Scott Aukerman
Tough stuff.
Seals
That was not cool.
Yoda
Insensitive. That was.
Scott Aukerman
I should have known when I saw.
Seals
That was not. You can't imagine how excited I got. There's another Cross. And he's a Dash Cross.
Yoda
Stood up. He did. Ready to run out.
Scott Aukerman
He was. Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
Seals
Hey, man, why do you talk that way?
Yoda
Long story. It is.
Scott Aukerman
That is about the extent of the Crofts out there.
Seals
Do you think somebody would legally change their name to Cross?
Scott Aukerman
Well, what if you changed your name to Crofts and then you got Seal?
Seals
Just one seal. You don't understand. We're double plural team. It's not steel and crop. It's Seals and Crofts.
Scott Aukerman
Maybe he could get a seal from the zoo. And so it was two seals.
Seals
A zoo animal.
Scott Aukerman
Scott.
Yoda
Think this is a joke.
Scott Aukerman
I'm sorry. I know.
Seals
Get closer. It's gonna sound good.
Scott Aukerman
You don't even know what Seal's voice sounds like.
Seals
Probably like a guy who's like, my acne scars. Don't look at me.
Scott Aukerman
I'm sorry. I don't have any solutions for this. But someone might be able to Will. You know is. Who's your favorite singer that you wish could change their name to Crofts?
Seals
That's a great question.
Scott Aukerman
Is it really?
Seals
No.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, that's a good question. It's good. You have to admit that.
Seals
Of all the singers in the world.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
It's not history because we're almost somebody alive.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. You want someone who's currently alive and currently willing to go down to the DMV and change their name.
Seals
Can't stop thinking about if that mystery author could sing.
Scott Aukerman
I bet he could.
Seals
Do you think so?
Scott Aukerman
I wonder if he's related to your old partner, Dash.
Seals
He never said he had mystery in his blood.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, so maybe not. Yeah. What a. What a name. Dash, by the way.
Seals
I know. He's pretty cool dude.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Did he get that? Was that a nickname from. Did he ever run the 440?
Seals
No. His mother was Mrs. Dash.
Scott Aukerman
Really? You don't say. A seasoning lady.
Seals
Yeah.
Tony
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
I'm learning so much about when she
Seals
changed her name to Crofts. They named him. It's gonna keep it in the family.
Scott Aukerman
Got it. This makes sense now.
Seals
Dash Crofts.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. Okay. I'm learning so much about your musical group that I never cared to know before. It's incredible.
Seals
Why did you never care to know it?
Scott Aukerman
Well, because I'd heard. I mean, I'd certainly heard your songs, but it never inspired me to say, like, oh, I want to learn more about these guys, you know?
Seals
Why. Why are you saying the music was
Scott Aukerman
good enough for me?
Seals
Okay. Pretty good spin at the end.
Scott Aukerman
The music was the way it. At the end of a sentence, the
Seals
way you phrase the other parts, like, I didn't care to know any more about them. Makes me feel bad.
Scott Aukerman
I'm really sorry. And this is your. This is your first time on the show.
Seals
You weren't even curious that we were double plural team?
Scott Aukerman
I think that was heavily implied in the name Seals Ann Crofts.
Seals
Yeah, but that. That doesn't intrigue you? Like, I gotta know more about these guys.
Scott Aukerman
I. I mean. Okay, tell me more. Like, why do every show we would
Seals
feature on the stage behind us? I would have multiple seals behind me across one of multiple Crofts.
Scott Aukerman
So, wait, so you were. You were scoffing at me for suggesting that seal bring a zoo animal seal, but you had a bunch of seals behind you?
Seals
Did I say zoo animal seals? I don't think I did.
Scott Aukerman
So these are seals from the.
Seals
Do you know that the word seal has more than one meaning?
Scott Aukerman
There are Easter seals?
Seals
Yeah, I had some of those.
Scott Aukerman
So you just had Easter seals behind you?
Seals
I had. Man, I don't know why you're attacking me.
Scott Aukerman
I'm not attacking you. You're attacking me.
Seals
No, I'm not so proud. I mean, Alice Cooper, I think.
Scott Aukerman
I think soft rock, there's a lot of passive aggressiveness.
Seals
Yeah, that's the soft part.
Scott Aukerman
It's like soft power.
Seals
Yeah,
Scott Aukerman
look, I.
Seals
Soft quitting.
Scott Aukerman
I apologize. So you would have Easter seals behind you, and Crofts had Crofts behind him.
Seals
So many crafts behind him.
Scott Aukerman
What are Crofts?
Seals
Oh, how do I describe this?
Yoda
How to describe. They are.
Seals
It was a real 70s thing. Everybody's crazy for Crofts.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. And you're gonna have to be more specific than that.
Seals
Okay, okay, okay. I. I hear you. I hear you.
Bill Walton
All right.
Seals
Okay. So in the 70s, sure. Cross were all over the place.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Seals
Everybody loved it.
Scott Aukerman
Everybody loved it. We. This has been established. Sweet donation.
Seals
Like, if you walked into a coffee house, a bar, if you were smoking grass with someone, it would Be weird if there weren't Crofts around.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, got it.
Yoda
Can walk 10ft without running into a crowd.
Seals
You couldn't swing a dead seal without hitting a Croft.
Scott Aukerman
I'm still no closer to knowing what a craft is.
Seals
Okay, you gotta give me time.
Scott Aukerman
I've given you a lot of rope.
Seals
Speaking of rope, if you made a net to catch Crofts, you'd be eating good. If you ate Cross, of course.
Scott Aukerman
And is that possible? They're edible.
Seals
I wouldn't, but it's been done.
Yoda
Could get cross poisoning.
Seals
Cross poisoning.
Scott Aukerman
You could get risky.
Yoda
It is
Bean Dip
so.
Seals
So because Cross was so popular, he'd have a bunch of cross bites.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, got it. So, I mean, it's not unique to your band, because almost any group that you would see there would be Crofts. No, no.
Seals
We were the only. Out of respect. Because after the Yaga community was built on respect. People respect each other. Okay, yes, there was a lot of pass. Absolutely. And no, nobody liked Donald Fagan. But the important thing was, if your name was Crofts, no way was anybody else going to have Cross on their stage.
Scott Aukerman
So if your name was Crofts, no one would have Crofts on their stage
Seals
out of respect, because they respect you.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so there were a lot of people named Crofts back then. Why don't you just get one of those?
Seals
No, what are you talking about?
Scott Aukerman
What are you talking about?
Nana
Crofts?
Scott Aukerman
Not listening. I'm sorry. Seals.
Seals
I'm Seals.
Scott Aukerman
How did you get your name Seals, by the way?
Seals
I was raised by seals.
Scott Aukerman
Easter seals.
Seals
No, zoo animals.
Scott Aukerman
Okay? So look, I grew up in this. It's all right. All right, Seals.
Seals
I grew up in the zoo. That's how I got into music.
Scott Aukerman
All right, Seals.
Seals
My first instrument was the horn.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, Seals, I don't know how to solve your problems.
Seals
No, you don't.
Scott Aukerman
Put it out to your listeners, okay?
Seals
If your name is Crofts, if you and someone you love, you're both named Croft, Okay.
Scott Aukerman
By marriage or by blood?
Seals
Blood. By marriage or by blood. Whatever it takes. Get in touch with me.
Bill Walton
Sure.
Seals
My name is Seals and I have to have a cross.
Scott Aukerman
And you live where now? You live in Nashville.
Seals
I live in Nashville, Tennessee.
Scott Aukerman
And your wife's name is what now?
Seals
Come on, man. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Scott Aukerman
I'm sorry. That I don't remember. Obviously you do.
Seals
So I feel like you like one in one ear after the other one. I tell you that my wife's name is Ruby Jean Anderson. We would be married since 1970. That's an amazing record in Y.
Scott Aukerman
That is prior to your fame as Seals and Crofts as well, I would imagine, right?
Seals
Well, just prior, yeah.
Yoda
Were there crops at your wedding?
Seals
There were so many Cross there of all kinds.
Scott Aukerman
Beautiful.
Seals
Not close one. Not just the extended Cross family, but all the traditional Cross as well.
Boobs Rinse
Sure.
Scott Aukerman
What about did what about the extended Crofts family? Maybe one of them is still kicking around. Did Crofts have any children?
Seals
The last one.
Scott Aukerman
The last of his lineage? Yeah.
Seals
There were no more Crofts after him.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, no idea. I have Yoda idea.
Yoda
You have idea? I have. What if you just paired up with Christopher Cross and you went by Seals and Cross?
Seals
Can I tell you something, man? Now, I know you're a little guy.
Yoda
Little guy. I am.
Seals
But I'd love to kick the out of you. Oh my God, if I had so many people suggested that to me. And what's worse, they suggested it to Christopher Cross and he won't get off my ass about it.
Yoda
Sensitive.
Scott Aukerman
It should be a super group. This sounds like the solution here. He wants to do it.
Seals
Half of Seals and Cross and all of Christopher Cross. Sounds like a super group to you?
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Honestly.
Seals
Come on, man. Be realistic.
Scott Aukerman
I, I. It sounds like I would go see it. Definitely.
Seals
You want to hear him singing Summer Breeze? Please make Me Feel and you can
Scott Aukerman
sing one of his.
Seals
What would that sound like? What? One of his dumb songs.
Scott Aukerman
The Arthur theme.
Seals
That song's dumb?
Bill Walton
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, yeah, but still, it's almost all.
Seals
It's one flat line, man. You know what I mean?
Scott Aukerman
I don't know what you mean, but it's just like.
Seals
It doesn't go anywhere. There's no peaks and valleys what he seizes until that he does what he seizes. Seize him. Arthur's famous catchphrase. Seize him, you scurvy knave. The thing is about Arthur's Theme is that it sucks until you get that sweet sax man. That's like a real Baker Street Jerry Rafferty sax. When that solo comes in, get the
Scott Aukerman
saxophone player from Jerry Rafferty Baker Street. And then you got a big super group there.
Yoda
Seals and Sacks.
Seals
Sacks.
Scott Aukerman
Seal, Sacks and Cross.
Seals
What is this? I was going to say nice riddle.
Scott Aukerman
I don't know what that is.
Seals
As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Seven wives at seven sacks. Seven sex and seven cats. Seven cats and seven kids. Kids, cats, sacks and wives. How many were going to St. Ives?
Scott Aukerman
All of them.
Seals
No one.
Scott Aukerman
Me.
Seals
I was going to say knives fell for it.
Scott Aukerman
You did, damn it.
Seals
You really did.
Scott Aukerman
Did. Who's buried in Grant's tomb? Grant.
Seals
Now, a lot of. A lot of our shows would end with riddles, okay? We'd play our three big hits, and then we'd say, all right, everybody sit down. Crisscross. Applesauce.
Scott Aukerman
Chris Croft's applesauce.
Yoda
Come on.
Seals
I wish I thought of that. I wish I thought of that. And we. When. Then we'd ask riddles and.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Seals
It's fun because everybody was stoked. Stone.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
On grass.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. Yes. The thing that gets you the most. Stone.
Seals
People were taking Quaaludes.
Scott Aukerman
Well, I, I, look, I, I hope that one of our listeners out there is named Crofts or willing to change their name to Crofts.
Seals
I need it, man.
Scott Aukerman
You need it? Because, I mean, look, what's the seals without a croft? I mean, I don't know. You've been great on this show today, though.
Seals
Hey, thanks, man.
Scott Aukerman
I want to thank you for dropping by.
Seals
You think you can have me back?
Scott Aukerman
Sure.
Seals
You said seemed qualified.
Scott Aukerman
Maybe during the tour.
Seals
I wouldn't be surprised. Wouldn't be surprised if I showed up late in the tour.
Scott Aukerman
All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. Can you stick around, Seals?
Seals
Yeah. The funeral's not for another few hours.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. Great. Oh, so it's happening right after the show today?
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. Do you. Are you gonna speak?
Seals
Of course I am. Oh, and I'm gonna sing just my parts of the songs.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, what. What were your parts? What was the delineation between your parts and their. His parts.
Seals
We would sing every other word. You know, voices were so similar.
Scott Aukerman
Can I hear some of that from Summer Breeze?
Seals
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Summer make feel blowing the mind.
Scott Aukerman
You got the good words in that one.
Seals
I did. Well, would. We would trade off, really?
Scott Aukerman
So every other performance would be like.
Seals
Okay, let me have the good words in the show.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, great. All right, well, we do need to get to our next guest. It's great to see her. We. You know her as the owner and proprietor of the W Hotel out here in Los Angeles. She also sells cucumbers and hot dog buns, I believe. Various businesses going on. Please welcome back to the show, Bean dip.
Bean Dip
Hey, Scott. Good to see you, man.
Scott Aukerman
Hey, great to see you. Yeah. How have you been, Bean Dip?
Bean Dip
I've been pretty great, man. Yeah, I. Rocking and rolling, doing whatever, man. Yeah, yeah, man.
Scott Aukerman
I bet, man.
Seals
Any soft rocking and rolling in there?
Bean Dip
Oh, it's great to meet you, Croft.
Scott Aukerman
No, this is.
Bean Dip
Oh.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, this is unfortunately. This is Seals. I don't mean to say unfortunately, you're sealed. Hey, man. Unfortunately for you.
Bean Dip
Can I just tell you, it's hard to get. It's hard to get them both straight because they seem a lot alike. Cuz they both had wonderful smooth vibes.
Seals
Thank you, ma'. Am.
Austin
Hey, sure.
Scott Aukerman
Dude, you ever see Seals and Crofts out there in concert with all the Crofts behind them and all the Seals dudes?
Bean Dip
Tons of times. I back. Hey, back in the day I used to go see. But I'd say about early 90s, would you agree? Seals? That's when the crowd. Crofts started falling off of being everywhere.
Seals
Yeah.
Bean Dip
But I. I mean, good run.
Scott Aukerman
I mean it's just the 70s and the 80s.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
All the way through the early 90s.
Seals
Started with saved by the Bell.
Scott Aukerman
Meaning in the early 90s, sometime around
Seals
that show, that's when people started seeing fewer and fewer crops.
Scott Aukerman
Huh.
Bean Dip
Because I was like very into Zach Kelly, all them. And I was like, hey, after I watched this, let me head over to us. It was a cross concert and it was at that point it was still loaded with groves.
Scott Aukerman
Wow. Wow.
Seals
Then we started getting younger fans coming and saying, what are those?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah.
Bean Dip
Because it was confusing. If you saw a big crowd of them, it was like, hey, man, this is breaking my brain a little bit.
Scott Aukerman
Uh huh. Yeah. Scott. Yeah, Beamed it. What's up?
Bean Dip
What's up, man?
Scott Aukerman
Happy 17th anniversary to this show.
Bean Dip
Happy seventh day and a virtue to the show of comedy. Comedy. Bangy bangy bang. Bangkg bang.
Scott Aukerman
Oh my gosh.
Boobs Rinse
Thank you.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you, Seals. You have the voice of an angel.
Bean Dip
Thanks God. Thanks. Well, you know, I've been capitalized on it lately.
Scott Aukerman
Have you been in. I mean, we just spoke to my nana earlier in the show. She had to go. She's been getting into a music career. Are you doing anything in the music sphere?
Bean Dip
Yeah, but. Well, to talk Nana, because whatever I'm doing is going to be way more successful than some old lady trying to go like, hey. Oh, I can say hey.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. She was rapping about her struggle for. Oh, for real? Yes, her comp.
Tony
For real.
Yoda
Say that.
Bean Dip
Well, most of my thing is I don't talk about struggle. I just talk about doing great.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. Do you. You write your own material?
Bean Dip
I write my own material up. Like my instruments I put in.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, okay. So full.360.
Bean Dip
Full for 360. But then I also, at the very end of it, that's when I call Ray Rubin and I say, come On. Hey, dude, come on in. Just dial it in for me.
Scott Aukerman
Who's this now?
Bean Dip
Rick Rubin.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, Rick Rubin.
Bean Dip
You know, beard dude who talks about
Scott Aukerman
Zen, all shoes, Walked around during COVID in Hawaii.
Seals
Doesn't really do anything.
Bean Dip
Well, let me tell you, he does a lot because he comes in with his no shoes. He takes a nap while I'm showing him all my music. And he goes, I did this. This little turn. Turn this up out of here. And then it's perfect.
Bill Walton
Wow.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. So can I hear any of your songs?
Bean Dip
Why don't you tell me which one of my titles you would love to hear today?
Scott Aukerman
Well, I. I'm at a disadvantage because I don't know any of your music yet.
Seals
Wait, what if she sent you a list right now?
Scott Aukerman
Okay, sure, sure.
Bean Dip
You.
Austin
I'll.
Tony
Hi.
Scott Aukerman
I'll. Oh, my gosh.
Yoda
Email.
Scott Aukerman
The sprinklers turned on and ruined my computer.
Bean Dip
Sorry, man.
Scott Aukerman
You just hand me a list.
Austin
Okay.
Bean Dip
Here you go.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much.
Bean Dip
I send it on a paper airplane.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much. Okay, here's a really interesting one. The roses have all wilted and died and now I have no idea where I'm going to go tonight.
Bean Dip
What a long title.
Scott Aukerman
It's like a Morrissey title.
Bean Dip
The roses have fall, wilted and died and now I have no idea where I'm gonna go tonight. Can you help me, baby? Come on over and peel me up with your loving kindness, darling. Cause I don't know where I'm gonna go. Cause the roses have wilted.
Scott Aukerman
Come on down to my blade and let me see your face tonight. Give me all your loving before I get sober in. Take Take me to the river and
Austin
take me to the edge.
Bean Dip
I want to feel all your love tonight. Chicky chicky cha cha mind.
Scott Aukerman
Wow, you got the SEALS seal of approved. Seals of approval.
Seals
Yeah.
Bean Dip
It's great because I've been wanting to ask him, do you think you could pop in on about five or six of my songs and just make a little. A beautiful noise at the end?
Seals
I would love to, too.
Bean Dip
Great sales.
Seals
Can the noise sometimes be crs.
Bean Dip
I would love it.
Scott Aukerman
I. You know what I mean? Bean dip. First of all, great song.
Bean Dip
Thanks, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Got a little screamo there in the middle of it. I was surprised by that.
Bean Dip
You got to keep up with the times, man.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I guess so if screamo is a current genre that people are enjoying circling back. Okay. But a gorgeous song. But, you know, know, it's. It's occurring to me that you're a musician. Yeah. SEALS here is a Musician who's looking for another partner.
Seals
Guilty as charged.
Scott Aukerman
What about instead of Seals and Crofts, which, look, let's be honest, it's a stale brand. You know what I mean? It's like everyone. Everyone knows it. Everyone's heard it.
Bean Dip
Tired.
Scott Aukerman
It's tired.
Austin
But played.
Scott Aukerman
Seals and Bean or Bean Dips.
Bean Dip
Baby Seal.
Scott Aukerman
Bean Dip's baby seal. That could be something not terrible.
Seals
Okay, here's my two problems.
Yoda
Okay?
Bean Dip
Okay, number one, please.
Seals
Seals and Bean. You got a plural and a singular. Can't do it. Second, then it's the baby seal. Singular. I'm a Seals man.
Scott Aukerman
To solve the problem of a singular being one. What if Mr. Bean also got involved? Now we're talking.
Seals
Is that possible? What would he do? Would he just dance like the one guy in the Bunny Muddy boss tones?
Scott Aukerman
Well, I mean, you know, during the Olympics, you saw him playing that one keyboard note in the Cherry Fire theme.
Seals
I heard about that.
Bean Dip
You know, he could come in every now and then like the Godfather. Body, boss tones and just do some of that.
Scott Aukerman
You know, that voice. Is that what Mr. Bean sounds like?
Bean Dip
That's what Marty Body most sounds like.
Yoda
He speaks vaguely French, if I remember.
Seals
He's mostly quiet. But then every once in a while he goes,
Bean Dip
Hey, Yoda.
Yoda
Hello.
Bean Dip
I didn't see you over there, man.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, yeah. Yoda's been behind Seals.
Yoda
Ducked behind the microphone. I was.
Bean Dip
You look great, man.
Yoda
Good to see you, young Bean dip. Have you been training with your lights in, neighbor?
Bean Dip
Yes, I've been doing great. I know how to now cut through a wall.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that's great.
Yoda
I mean, step.
Scott Aukerman
That is honestly isn't. You just kind of turn it on and stick it into the wall. Sorry.
Bean Dip
Don't be a dick.
Scott Aukerman
I apologize. I don't mean to be reductive. Hey, Seals, don't be a dick. Hey, man, take this from you.
Seals
What?
Scott Aukerman
You're passive aggressive. Yacht rock.
Austin
What?
Seals
Yeah. Okay. I'm trying.
Scott Aukerman
I'm trying to help you Seals.
Seals
Maybe I'm trying to help you with some.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, all right, I'll give you that. But I mean, I think the partnership between the two of you. Could I hear you do. Instead of you just coming in and saying mind or summer. Could I hear, like, maybe you guys trading off a little bit of summer breeze? Yeah. Or. Or a new song.
Seals
I'll start and then toss it over to you. We can't start. We'll write new songs right after this.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, great.
Seals
Summer breeze makes me feel fine.
Tony
Whoa.
Seals
You know the riff.
Scott Aukerman
You can save money on a guitarist by having bean dip. Just do that.
Bean Dip
Yeah. Listen to this.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Bean Dip
Oh, yeah. On your own.
Scott Aukerman
You're on your own.
Bean Dip
Yeah, that's what I really turned it up to. Guitar.
Scott Aukerman
Wow. What do you think? Wow, Seals.
Seals
It's so much more efficient than playing the guitar.
Scott Aukerman
Why does anyone bother with.
Seals
We got to go through these sound checks to go on forever. We could have just been doing that the whole time.
Bean Dip
Yeah, man. Tell me another one of your sales and crafts classic hits.
Seals
Darling, if you wanted me then closer
Scott Aukerman
to you Darling, if you want me to be. Sorry, I don't mean to tell you your business. I just.
Yoda
Scott, that was insane what you just did.
Seals
That was talking about passive aggressive.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, that's full on aggressive of me saying you don't know your song. Yeah, that you've been singing for 50 years.
Bean Dip
Scott, what's come over you?
Seals
Oh, man. I don't know why you begged me to be on this show.
Scott Aukerman
I didn't beg you. I asked you to be on the show. I'm a huge fan.
Seals
You were on your hands and knees.
Scott Aukerman
I was on my hands and knees, but I had dropped an earring.
Bean Dip
By the way, your earrings have been looking great.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I was afraid the holes were going to close, so I just.
Seals
No, they're gorgeous earrings, but still. I'm 79 years old, man. I live in Nashville, Tennessee.
Scott Aukerman
And what's your wife's name?
Seals
My wife's name is Ruby Jean Anderson. We got married in 1970, man.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Bean Dip
Classic Ruby Jean.
Scott Aukerman
I apologize.
Seals
Do you know Ruby Jean?
Bean Dip
Oh, I didn't want to tell you this, seals, but I know her really well. And Grandma, how did you guys meet? Well, I was out getting some groceries and I thought, man, I wish somebody was here that could tell me which of these lettuces is better than other lettuce. And then a woman came around the corner, a gorgeous older woman, and she said, hey, I'm Ruby Jean. I don't work here, but I know a lot about the lettuce.
Seals
You go on these. What she called her grocery altruism runs where she would go to a grocery store and just like, like parade the aisles, like, looking for people who needed help. Wow, man. I'm so happy to hear a firsthand account of that. It's beautiful.
Bean Dip
Yeah, I. I will admit I've been calling her Ruby Jean Crofts for a long time.
Seals
God damn.
Bean Dip
I'm sorry to tell you that really
Seals
hurts because they did have an affair.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, they did? Why were you still with this guy?
Seals
He was Croft.
Scott Aukerman
He was Crofts. He knew Every other word to all of your songs.
Seals
He really did. We just had something special that transcended my sacred vows of marriage.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, well, apparently you and B Dip could have the same kind of thing together.
Bean Dip
Well, do you want to hear the guitar riff, too, darling? If you want me to be closer.
Seals
Yeah.
Bean Dip
Closer to you. Closer to me.
Scott Aukerman
I will.
Seals
No, I got chills.
Scott Aukerman
Are they multiplying?
Seals
No.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. They're just singular chills.
Seals
Yeah, I would be. If they were multiplying, I'd be worried. There's something.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, go to the doctor.
Bean Dip
Stop trying to make the whole Grease soundtrack. Yacht rock. Only one song on the Grease soundtrack is y'.
Nana
All.
Scott Aukerman
Which one would you consider it to be?
Bean Dip
The song Grease.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, that's more of a. That's more of a disco hit.
Bean Dip
Come on, man.
Seals
You don't know what you're talking about.
Scott Aukerman
It was sung by. By the Gib. It was written by the Gibbs.
Seals
The Gibbs. The brothers, wasn't.
Scott Aukerman
It was not.
Seals
No.
Scott Aukerman
The song Grease.
Seals
No, they never would have written that.
Bean Dip
I think it might have been like Frankie Valley or something.
Seals
Gun to their heads. They never wrote that song.
Scott Aukerman
Gun to their Heads.
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Written by Barry Gibb.
Seals
Not that one.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, you were talking about other Gibs.
Seals
There's so. There was. Man, in the 70s, there were so many people named Barry Gib, it was ridiculous.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. You're just laughing lousy. With Barry, it was like, you guys
Seals
might as well be Croft.
Bean Dip
Yeah, that's true.
Scott Aukerman
Well, guys, I. I think there's a partnership here that is gonna be really fruitful. Can we expect to see concerts soon?
Bean Dip
I'm gonna go with the thumbs up in a year.
Seals
This is so emotional for me. When Crofts died earlier today.
Scott Aukerman
It was. Earlier today. It was about a month ago.
Yoda
Mother girl.
Seals
Oh, you. Mr. Bean.
Scott Aukerman
Hey. Who the fuck are you? I'm Steve, Mr. Cannabines.
Seals
I thought, man, how am I ever gonna go on? But now I feel like with bean dip, I got a future.
Bean Dip
I feel like my future's violently. And it's ever in it now that I have sales of my life.
Scott Aukerman
Bean dip. I've never seen you cry before.
Bean Dip
I never have cried here with you before, Scott. Because real talk, I don't feel sad, safe.
Scott Aukerman
I apologize.
Bean Dip
But now I'm gonna let it out because Seals and Yoda here to make me feel like I could be a
Scott Aukerman
little baby if I need to. Well, guys, do you. Do you wanna. We have to take a break. But do you want to maybe go to break singing your only other song that you have Diamond Girl. Diamond Girl, of course. And you. Do you know the guitar part of Diamond?
Bean Dip
Of course I do. You.
Bill Walton
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
And Yoda, you can get involved if you want. Okay.
Yoda
I might throw in like a. Yeah, okay.
Scott Aukerman
Hear it.
Seals
Okay, here we go. Diamond Girl. Diamond Girl. The Diamond Girl. Now my chills are multiplying.
Bean Dip
Sure looks fine.
Scott Aukerman
This is incredible.
Seals
Well, guys, you know more of the
Scott Aukerman
word more than you know, I think.
Seals
Hey, you don't know that.
Scott Aukerman
Hey, you seals. What?
Seals
How did we get to this?
Scott Aukerman
I'm sorry. Fuck you zeals, you seals.
Seals
No one did that to me since Crosby.
Scott Aukerman
Crosby.
Seals
Scott, calm down.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, he's force choking me. Okay, look, we need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have even more guests. The 17th anniversary of comedy Bang Bang.
Yoda
I'll be right back after this.
Seals
America's best network just got bigger. Switch to T Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out.
Scott Aukerman
Plus our five year price guarantee.
Seals
And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.
Scott Aukerman
Best mobile network based on analysis by Google of speed test intelligence data 2H2025 bigger network.
Seals
The combination of T Mobile's and US
Scott Aukerman
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Seals
Well, yeah, been a musician where I play guitar, mandolin, fiddle, saxophone and vocals.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay, so. So you're the guitarist then you're. I guess when Bean dip simulates the guitar with her mouth, you're going to be out of a job in. In that respect. No.
Seals
Maybe you didn't hear all those other instruments that I did do.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay, so you're going to play the mandolin every song.
Seals
Hey man, the is your problem.
Scott Aukerman
What? The is your problem. Se.
Seals
No problem. My partner just died.
Scott Aukerman
Not just like a month ago.
Seals
Wow, you say that to a 79
Scott Aukerman
year old man in the span of your whole life?
Seals
I guess I only have Four years left to live.
Scott Aukerman
You think so?
Seals
Probably, if Croft is any indication.
Scott Aukerman
Was he older, by the way?
Seals
He was a little bit older.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
How. What was his age at the time of death?
Seals
What a. What an insensitive question.
Scott Aukerman
Well, I apologize, but I do need to know these.
Seals
But I will tell you that he died age 87.
Yoda
87.
Scott Aukerman
Boy, that was like a May December partnership between the two of you.
Seals
It's not that much.
Scott Aukerman
Eight years.
Seals
Eight years you think is May December?
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so what are we talking?
Seals
Maybe when you're in your 20s. You creep.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so August December. What are we talking?
Seals
Yeah. August December.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, great.
Seals
He died Austin, Texas, which is in the U.S. great.
Scott Aukerman
Well, we need to get to our next guest.
Seals
Hard to believe he was active for so many years. 1957-20. 26.
Scott Aukerman
57. That is a long time to be active. When they say active, meaning as a musician, as a human being,
Seals
you think he's completely sedentary from birth to 1957?
Yoda
Maybe.
Seals
I don't know. Like me. He was formerly of the Champs and Seals and Crofts.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Yeah. The Champs.
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Is it. Did they sing Tequila?
Seals
Yeah, we did.
Scott Aukerman
You sang.
Seals
You.
Scott Aukerman
You were one of the singers of Tequila.
Seals
We all took turns singing the word Tequila.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Wow.
Seals
And it was Latin tinged.
Scott Aukerman
Huh. Huh.
Seals
1958 single.
Scott Aukerman
Yep. All right. Well, you know, we do an American
Seals
rock and roll band.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, of course. Yes. Any other facts that you want to tell me before I introduce our next.
Seals
Yeah. We took our name from that of Gene Austin, Autry's horse Champion.
Scott Aukerman
The Champs. Yep. That. Wait, not just the idea of champs.
Seals
No, no. We were formed by studio executives at Autry's Challenge Records. We were supposed to record a B side for the Dave Burgess single Train to Nowhere.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Sure. And then. And then everyone said, hey, so we did. What's our name gonna be? Well, Gene Autry's horse is named Champion, so why don't we call ourselves.
Seals
That was the guy from the record label.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Seals
Yeah, he was real proud of himself, too. We were just kids with terror. We know crew cuts.
Boobs Rinse
Sure.
Scott Aukerman
Who like to sing about Tequila.
Seals
Yeah. And drink it.
Scott Aukerman
Uhhuh. Oh, okay. Do you still drink it?
Seals
All the time.
Scott Aukerman
All right, we need to get to our next.
Seals
Right now.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Yeah. Are you a basketball fan?
Seals
I love basketball.
Scott Aukerman
The most. Orange ball. Would you agree?
Seals
Agreed.
Scott Aukerman
He is a.
Seals
In sports.
Scott Aukerman
In sports.
Seals
Not in the world.
Scott Aukerman
No, no. I'm sure there's a Nerf ball.
Seals
No, they got one in the Smithsonian Institute. That's so orange. That if you look at it, you get depressed, Right?
Scott Aukerman
Why do they keep that in the Smithsonian?
Seals
No, no. You start to feel like you're in an orange void.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, well, he is a former basketball champion, I'm assuming.
Seals
Whoa.
Scott Aukerman
You ever win a. Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't mean to get you excited about Gene Autry's former, but he. I'm sure you. You won a ring or two.
Bill Walton
Hell, yes. Yes, sir. I'm talking college basketball. Ucla, the great home of the Bruins, coached by the genius John wooden with over 10 titles, then the Boston Celtics. And I brought the title home to the great city of Portland, where the trailblazers place trails.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so meaning you brought it home, you won it with the Celtics, and then you moved over there, but in the opposite order.
Bill Walton
I. I was remembering Memento style.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Bill Walton
But it happened reverse tenet style.
Scott Aukerman
Did you ever get to that DVD of Memento where you could watch the whole thing in chronological order?
Bill Walton
Yeah, I thought it was just a regular dvd.
Seals
Whoa. Look at all your backwards tattoos.
Bill Walton
Do you have a mirror? I gotta figure out what these say.
Seals
Yeah, I always have a mirror. I used to do a ton of coke.
Scott Aukerman
These are recent, by the way. You have not had these tattoos?
Seals
No.
Bill Walton
Yeah, I just saw you tell by that little plastic wrapping around me. They're very new.
Scott Aukerman
Right, right. Well, let me introduce you. He is, of course, also one of the NBA Tonight commentators.
Bill Walton
And not to be confused with Mack tonight.
Scott Aukerman
No, of course not. You're not the guy with the giant chin. Not to be confused with J. Yeah, of course.
Seals
But you think of that guy whose head was the moon as a guy with a giant chin.
Scott Aukerman
This chin's big, though, you gotta admit.
Seals
I guess it's the bottom half of the moon.
Scott Aukerman
I guess he's also got a giant
Bill Walton
forehead, if you look at it that way.
Scott Aukerman
Sure.
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, but he is.
Bill Walton
There's a tension here between you two. I don't what's going on here.
Scott Aukerman
He's soft rock, which means he's passive aggressive. And I've. He's a. He's been sitting here needling me the entire time.
Seals
I'm not needling you. You're like.
Scott Aukerman
You're like an act. You acupuncturist. You're like an X man.
Seals
Hey, don't go writing any songs about X men, okay? I wrote that song down a girl.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Okay.
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Emma Frost. He is a former basketball player, former dead person who's facts rumored to be dead, but is actually alive. Please welcome back to the show, Bill Walton.
Bill Walton
Thank you for having me. Oh, my God, Scott. 17 beautiful years. You look better than ever.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much. Some would say that I am aging poorly, but I appreciate that. That incredible compliment.
Bill Walton
Are people saying that to your face, Scott?
Scott Aukerman
It's my face. No, but is the Internet to your face?
Bill Walton
Oh, now it is, Scott. That's perfect. It's why I'm here, actually.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, really?
Bill Walton
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
What's going on, Bill? What's going on?
Bill Walton
I have become obsessed with body modification.
Scott Aukerman
Body modification.
Bill Walton
Not just the tattoos, but I don't know if you're noticing some lip stuff, some cheek stuff, some forehead stuff. Yeah, I look amazing on my phone. Do I not? Essay Steven Aukerman.
Scott Aukerman
I had to admit, I'm not gonna
Bill Walton
call you by your initial.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, good. Thank you so much. I have to admit, when you walked in here, I was like, bill Walton is looks maxing here?
Bill Walton
Is that where you go to TJ Maxx and you look at all the hotties?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, exactly.
Bill Walton
Well, I'm looks maxing every day of my life then.
Seals
Your chin is huge.
Bill Walton
Thank you. Well, I came in and I asked for the back tonight. They said that's not really his chin. It's most of his face. It's weird that that came up just now. That's wild. It's insane.
Seals
It's. It's. I mean, like, Mac tonight didn't have the bulging jaw muscles that you have.
Bill Walton
That's what I said. I said, give me the Mac tonight, but make sure you give me something in the jaw. Mac Tonight on the downstairs, Leno on the sides.
Scott Aukerman
Hmm. I mean, I have never heard that described, but that's exactly what you got.
Bill Walton
Well, then they nailed it. Scott Aukerman.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Bill Walton
I couldn't be happier with the work I've had done. I feel better about myself than ever. My. I hate. I don't want to make this a dirty show, but I am as comfortable in the bedroom as I've been in a long time. Scott Aukerman.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, good. I mean, you. Even though you did die, you did die. I can't remember.
Bill Walton
I died. I died. I went to heaven, and I came back to earth because I didn't finish my bucket list, which was to make a show called Entourage about a boy who moves to Los Angeles with his four aunts.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. Okay. And so you're. And you're on the path to doing that?
Bill Walton
Well, I've been a little distracted, yes. It's harder than I thought to sell a show in Hollywood, California, right now. Do you know this.
Scott Aukerman
No, I mean, yeah. Ever since the contraction of entertainment.
Bill Walton
Yes. All they want is more IP Man. IP Man. IP Man. Everybody wants ip.
Scott Aukerman
No, it's ip. I think is IP man. Is.
Bill Walton
Well, take a break. I'll wait.
Seals
Wait. There is something called IP Man.
Scott Aukerman
It's a kung fu. There's. With several sequels. Yes, yes.
Bill Walton
And they just want more and more of it. So I keep writing IP man movies and I bring it in. They're like, this is not for us. I'm like, what do you want then? Yeah.
Seals
No, that related to One Punch Man.
Scott Aukerman
I don't know what One Punch man is.
Seals
I don't either.
Bill Walton
One Punch man is a parody of anime style TV shows, but has its own. It also sits in the world of anime. At the same time. He's a man who could kill you with one punch.
Seals
Damn. So they made fun of it and then they're like, get in here.
Bill Walton
Yeah, we love it. All parody should be done with love. Wouldn't you agree, Scott Aerman?
Bean Dip
I had.
Scott Aukerman
I have no opinion on any of this.
Seals
But no, Jeff Ross says we only roast the ones we love. Is that the fact at the. At the Friars Club?
Bill Walton
I'm scared to meet the guy. I think he would tear me to pieces.
Scott Aukerman
I think. Look, I. I don't suggest it because.
Bill Walton
Have you met Jeff Ross?
Scott Aukerman
I have met Jeff Ross.
Bill Walton
Did he rush your ass? Scott?
Scott Aukerman
A is burnt to a crisp. I to say so. Yeah. I don't.
Bill Walton
I wanted to roast your eyebrows, your nose, your lips, your chest, your personality.
Scott Aukerman
Remember when I said that some people are saying I'm aging poorly? That it's primarily Jeff Ross Online.
Bill Walton
You said online. He's making fun of you.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Yeah.
Bill Walton
I'm sorry to hear that.
Seals
He's doing online roasts now.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. Of people that he's still.
Seals
Profile pictures, man. I would be. I would be kind of intimidated to meet someone knowing that they're going into every interaction thinking, how do I. I make fun of this guy?
Bill Walton
It's why I don't have any teenage kids.
Scott Aukerman
Why?
Tony
Why?
Scott Aukerman
Because they're older than you have kids.
Bill Walton
Yes.
Seals
Okay.
Bill Walton
But I would never have teenage kids.
Seals
Did you put them in a cryosleep?
Bill Walton
No, I left for four years each time they turned teenage.
Seals
Loophole.
Scott Aukerman
I love that movie. Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon. What's his name? Levit.
Bill Walton
Joseph Gordon Loophole.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Joseph Gordon Loophole.
Seals
It really took me longer than I'm comfortable with to put that together.
Bill Walton
You might have been thinking of the movie Looper, but Loophole is another movie that was done Independently. At the same time as the movie.
Seals
With the same stars.
Bill Walton
Same star, same cast. They were filming in repertory.
Scott Aukerman
So, Bill, you, entourage is not moved any closer.
Bill Walton
No. Scott, what's the deal with Hollywood? And I'm not trying to go all JS on you, but Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Thank you. I can't sell a picture these days. You know, I couldn't. I can't sell a film. I can't sell a TV show. Just when I've tried to get into the industry, Scott, it's dying. It's a dying business.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Some might say that if you really wanted to be in entertainment, you should have given up on your basketball dreams earlier and gotten in in the 70s, 80s, 90s. When were you active?
Bill Walton
70s, 80s,90s. Yeah, I started having beyond songs the
Seals
whole office can agree on
Scott Aukerman
back when the crofts were everywhere.
Bill Walton
Oh, my God.
Seals
Miss the crofts.
Bill Walton
I, I, I'm thinking about the crops right now. Yeah, I can't picture one. Like, could you draw one for me right now?
Scott Aukerman
I would love that. Yeah.
Seals
Oh, there you go.
Bill Walton
Wow, that was fast.
Seals
Tell me that's not a cross.
Bill Walton
That's a. Well, that's more of like a.
Scott Aukerman
Should I see that? I.
Seals
No, no. A game. And took it.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, no.
Bill Walton
Of course. Pigeons love to eat crops.
Seals
Pigeons, they miss them too, man. They got that. You know how you torture a mouse, and then the. The little mouse baby will be like, I got tortured.
Scott Aukerman
What? I don't know this, Scott.
Bill Walton
You don't know that.
Seals
Genetic trauma.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Seals
All pigeons are waiting for cross to come back.
Bill Walton
Got it. Just like I would you, Scott. You know when you torture a mouse and the little baby doesn't like it?
Scott Aukerman
Right. Okay, sure. So you. So you can't sell anything.
Bill Walton
I can't sell anything. But I. That's why I. I'm going. I'm moving Scott into verticals. Do you know about these verticals?
Seals
Oh, yeah.
Bill Walton
Yeah, baby by Crofts. I mean the other guy.
Scott Aukerman
By the way, when you said, oh, yeah, I thought you were auditioning to do the theme song to entourage for Bill here.
Bill Walton
Oh, we do need a theme song.
Seals
Yeah, it's going to start exactly like the entourage theme song.
Scott Aukerman
Well, yeah, because isn't that how it ends? Not starts?
Bill Walton
No, it starts with it because it's cut. You're bridging time. You know what I mean?
Yoda
Oh, wow.
Bill Walton
So the oh, yeah is a bridge from past to future.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, let's hear that. Oh, yeah.
Seals
Again.
Scott Aukerman
Do you mind?
Seals
Oh, yeah.
Bill Walton
Superhero.
Seals
So it's just going to be the Exact same theme song, but it's kind
Bill Walton
of backwards but also forwards. I don't know if you noticed.
Seals
Backward masking.
Bill Walton
Yeah, I was what?
Seals
Back masking?
Scott Aukerman
Backward masking.
Bill Walton
Oh, yes. My. My plastic surgeon did that on me.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. So what does that entail?
Bill Walton
I don't know, but I wish somebody stopped him.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah. I think you're like a malignant or something. You have a face on the back of your neck.
Bill Walton
Yes, yes. He added another personality here that when I go to sleep, terrorizes my family and friends.
Seals
But backwards.
Bill Walton
But backwards. I wouldn't. I wouldn't let him around. Jeff Ross is gonna get his ass roasted for his weird walk. Could you imagine? Jeff Ross rested me, man.
Scott Aukerman
I can't.
Bill Walton
My reverse self, but. So, Scott, I wanted to know if I could get your investment and even your. If you're willing to turn your face into something that people would look at every day on their phones close up. I would love to put you into my verticals.
Seals
Oh, man. Can you imagine being in a vertical?
Scott Aukerman
This is an incredible opportunity. I've never been in a vertical before.
Bill Walton
You have it. I haven't got. I mean, it's just like being alive. You sit vertically, you stand vertically. You do everything but sleep vertically.
Scott Aukerman
I sleep horizontal. Horizontally. Is that going to be an issue
Bill Walton
or it just won't put your sleep in the vertical or if we do
Scott Aukerman
it, if your penis.
Seals
No sleep.
Scott Aukerman
If my penis is upright while I
Bill Walton
sleep, we'll do a vertical of your penis.
Seals
There's going to be no scenes of sleep.
Bill Walton
No, we. I don't know. I mean, you pitch on it. Each vertical is a minute long, so it's a lot of waste.
Seals
I love verticals because I'm an older gentleman. I don't know how to phone. Turn my phone sideways.
Scott Aukerman
It's pretty me. All you got to do is.
Seals
So I would look at. I would look at those videos. Like, too small. Why is everything so small?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah. So this is great. I mean, this is perfect for elderly gentlemen.
Bill Walton
Absolutely. Unless you're Russell Crowe, who is now doing videos of himself reviewing watches and he refuses to do them vertically.
Scott Aukerman
Really?
Bill Walton
His film is done horizontally.
Scott Aukerman
Glad to hear he's taking a stand on this.
Bill Walton
He decided to get political at the perfect time. Scott. And we're all standing. I stand with Russell Crowe on this one.
Seals
He's not tweeting his workouts anymore. Now he's doing this.
Bill Walton
Yeah, he does. Holds up a watch. He's like, I like this one.
Scott Aukerman
18 kilometers.
Seals
I guess 30 odd foot of grunt
Bill Walton
is done what was that?
Seals
This is bad.
Bill Walton
I thought that was 40.
Seals
40 odd foot of Grunt.
Bill Walton
That's my porn search.
Seals
Then he. You must be disappointed. Russell Gro keeps.
Bill Walton
I was headbanging, but I'm never coming.
Seals
Then he changed the name to something else that had the exact same initials because I think he still had some merch.
Bill Walton
Oh, okay. Did he get sued? Was there another 40 odd foot of grunt that sued him for intellectual property? Property?
Seals
No. I think they probably just went out and like. I guess we'll do our own thing now. The famous guy is not here.
Scott Aukerman
Some bad news, seals. It's 30 odd foot of grunts.
Seals
30? Yes, but it's still tofa.
Scott Aukerman
Perhaps. I don't see anything about a name change here. But it. Look, this Wikipedia page is very sparse. One of the thinnest Wikipedia pages I have ever seen. 30 odd foot of grunts was an Australian. Australian rock group formed in 1992. It was made up of Russell Crowe, Dean Cochran, Garth Adam, Dave Kelly on drums, Dave Wilkins on guitar and vocal, and trumpeter Stuart Kerwin. The end.
Bill Walton
Wow.
Scott Aukerman
Do they.
Bill Walton
Do any of them have blue links on their names like Stuart Kerwin, Steve Irwin's brother?
Scott Aukerman
No, unfortunately, Russell Crowe is the only one who has a hyperlink attached. Wow. Yeah. What?
Bill Walton
Grunt is probably a top five word I'd ever want to hear out loud.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, you just want to hear people doing it. Just as on a monopoly.
Bill Walton
I wouldn't mind hearing people grunting.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, yeah.
Bill Walton
Oh, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Anyway, so you have a vertical, Scott.
Bill Walton
You got me going there a little bit.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, sorry. So you have a vertical. You want me to star in it? Look, I'm in.
Bill Walton
Okay, great. So let me just get a Sharpie out and I'm just going to do a little work on where we would want to do some stuff on your face.
Scott Aukerman
Lorenzo Lama style. Say more from. From his show Hotter Than Whatnot.
Seals
I believe I remember that show. Yeah.
Bill Walton
They made a show off the website.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
This is even before the website.
Scott Aukerman
The website ripped out where you get out a laser pointer and point out bits of fat on women's bodies. Yeah.
Bill Walton
Is just Jeff Ross sitting next to him.
Seals
No, this was not funny. It's not a roast. It would be people, conventionally attractive people standing on stage in a bathing suit and Lorenzo Llama's going. You have a little bit of a love handle there.
Bill Walton
Oh, my God. I can't believe it's not still on.
Scott Aukerman
I think I would love to see it in syndications or streaming somewhere on a platform.
Bill Walton
It feels like you want to look up the producers of that show and see if they're in jail or.
Scott Aukerman
Hell, one of the two, but, yeah, I guess.
Bill Walton
Well, Scott, I don't want to rip off that idea on the podcast, but I was basically just going to sharpen you up a little bit here.
Tony
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, sure. I mean, feel free. Look, 17th anniversary. Feel free to.
Bill Walton
To just.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Bill Walton
First, before I ever touch anybody on a podcast, I have to ask your boundaries. Is there anywhere you don't want to be touched?
Scott Aukerman
Pretty much my entire body, excluding the penis.
Bill Walton
Okay, we'll start there.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. You're gonna start and finish there. Hopefully.
Bill Walton
Well, hopefully only one of us will.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so what do you got? Sorry, it's my sprinklers again.
Bill Walton
Oh, are they connected to your penis? Like in an AI style?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah, it's a. A heat sensor, I believe.
Yoda
Wow.
Bill Walton
So if you're aroused, the sprinklers go off.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, exactly.
Bill Walton
No wonder you've got such a lush garden.
Yoda
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, sorry.
Seals
I got an update.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. On what?
Seals
On your wicked Russell Crow's band. Okay, so after it was called 30 Odd Foot of Grunt, it dissolved. Right? And then he started a new band called the Ordinary Fear of God.
Yoda
God.
Seals
Which is the exact same letters as 30 odd foot of grunt.
Bill Walton
That's the type of confidence we need in this day and age, wouldn't you say?
Scott Aukerman
Why?
Bill Walton
Why not? That's how you become Russell Crowe. The Gladiator. The. The. The. The.
Seals
The.
Bill Walton
The Pope on a Vespas guy.
Scott Aukerman
The American gangster.
Seals
Hey, man, he wasn't the Pope. He was the Pope's exorcist.
Bill Walton
Yes. I'm sorry, can we please cut that?
Scott Aukerman
I'm sorry, can we cut that mistake? The editing machine is broken. I'm so sorry.
Bill Walton
Oh, Scott, we're gonna get it.
Seals
I'm sorry, man, but I had to call it out.
Bill Walton
You know, you were right, too. Imagine me driving home and realizing it. I would not take my foot off the pedal till I was in the Pacific Ocean.
Scott Aukerman
Do you think you'd miss every light you.
Bill Walton
Yeah, I'd speed through.
Scott Aukerman
I'd hope.
Bill Walton
I know I would hope that.
Scott Aukerman
I don't know if you'd make it. I think you'd. You'd get T boned. At some point, I would call up.
Bill Walton
I'd call. Call up Napster from the movie Italian Job, played by Seth Green, and say, give me all green lights all the way to the Pacific Ocean.
Seals
Hey, man, hold on a second. Are you just now informing me there's a character in that movie named Napster?
Bill Walton
Yes. His backstory is that he actually invented Napster and it was stolen from him.
Seals
I gotta get my car and drive to the ocean right now. This is worse hearing than cr.
Bill Walton
You should do your eulogy you about that. I'm sorry, Scott. I'm sorry. I'm just a little discombobulated because I called the Pope's exorcist. The Pope?
Scott Aukerman
That's okay. Don't worry about it. Well, look, I'm perfectly willing to be in this.
Bill Walton
Okay. Do you need any sort non union?
Scott Aukerman
Okay, yeah, I'm willing to go non union if necessary. Is it local hire clip that? Do I have to pretend to be a local hire?
Bill Walton
It's local hire in Shanghai.
Scott Aukerman
Shanghai? Yes, China.
Bill Walton
So you don't have to pretend to be, but you put yourself up in Shanghai if you have a place there.
Seals
Local Shanghai?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I can do all this.
Bill Walton
Okay. And so your character is. Because a lot of these are kind of sexually mythical storylines.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, you maybe should have led with that, but go ahead.
Bill Walton
Do you not want to do it anymore?
Seals
Oh, no.
Scott Aukerman
I mean the.
Bill Walton
Or the sexuality.
Scott Aukerman
I'm not sure how comfortable I am exuding sexual chemistry on screen.
Bill Walton
Oh my gosh, Scott, this could be your career changing moment. You could be nominated for an Oscar if you would just be comfortable getting sexual mythically in one of my levels.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so mythically maybe. Yeah.
Bill Walton
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Can you describe exactly what that means though?
Bill Walton
Yes. So you would be a man who turns into a centaur.
Scott Aukerman
Are.
Bill Walton
Which is a horse.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so a man's body, meaning my legs turn into horses legs or my entire body? I don't know why I'm getting very specific.
Bill Walton
Yeah, well, your legs do.
Scott Aukerman
So just. My legs change. Much like Ariel in Little Mermaid. Her fishtail turns into legs. She's.
Bill Walton
Okay, I gotta watch this. It's good for inspiration. Oh, you've never seen Little spell that out for me.
Scott Aukerman
L, I T T L E L slow.
Bill Walton
Okay, thank you. Both in stereo.
Seals
The thing about Little Mermaid is she's more evenly distributed fish and person than a centaur is man and horse.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Bill Walton
Okay, I'll.
Scott Aukerman
I'll note that when I watch Nipples above, which is not the case with Little Mermaid. It's pretty much a waistline below.
Bill Walton
Well, you would be. Where does the horse's waist start?
Seals
Below the waistline, sunshine.
Scott Aukerman
All right, Murray head.
Seals
But then who. But then. Then a centaur is like almost all of a horse and then half of a guy.
Bill Walton
Well, we've mostly only got the budget for horse legs, back legs, so this might not be a full Centaur. Maybe it would be a Centu Amin.
Seals
You know what I would do?
Bill Walton
Please?
Seals
I do front legs and then fake back legs.
Bill Walton
Front legs and fake back. Okay, so someone would be the ass.
Seals
No, they could just be dragging around.
Bill Walton
Dragging them around that they don't work.
Seals
Yeah, Put them on little wheels.
Bill Walton
Okay, so you're gonna be a Stephen Hawking centaur in a wheelchair. So your horse part is being dragged around on wheels. Your human part is sexual.
Scott Aukerman
Do I speak through a voice box or.
Bill Walton
Well, we all do, Scott Aukerman. It's called our larynx.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you very much for the anatomy lesson. I appreciate it.
Bill Walton
I can give you a full.
Scott Aukerman
Got you. You seals.
Bill Walton
Me and seals are seawalking. You guys, please.
Scott Aukerman
Can my good buddy seals be in this with me?
Seals
Please?
Bill Walton
Okay. I mean, I'm loving the chemistry here. It would be like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, who hated each other in the Notebook.
Scott Aukerman
Or we have, like, a Lethal Weapon.
Bill Walton
They couldn't even be near each other on set.
Seals
That's kind of too bad. Bums me out a little bit.
Bill Walton
Sorry, man. Use that. If you're not getting your penny tears in your eulogy, maybe start to think of that as a sense memory.
Scott Aukerman
I think we're in as a package deal. Me and seals.
Bill Walton
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Seals and I.
Bill Walton
How would you like the contract to be written?
Scott Aukerman
Seals and I. I gotta draw it up.
Bill Walton
Seals and I.
Scott Aukerman
Seals and I. Okay.
Seals
Seals and Us is better.
Scott Aukerman
Seals and Us Shampoo.
Bill Walton
God bless you.
Seals
Seals and we. I'd take Seals and We.
Scott Aukerman
Seals and we.
Bill Walton
Seals and we. All right, cool.
Seals
Can't be singular.
Bill Walton
So, hundred dollars, local hire, Shanghai.
Seals
A hundred dollars?
Bill Walton
Yeah.
Seals
Dang.
Scott Aukerman
Stipend or a day.
Seals
The per diem.
Bill Walton
That's your walking around money.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay, okay. Walk it around. As in that's how much I'm getting paid. And then I'll be walking around during the thing.
Bill Walton
You'll have to be walking around because your ride from the airport to your place is going to cost $100. So you have to walk for the rest of it.
Seals
Boom.
Scott Aukerman
I don't know, guys.
Bill Walton
Come on. This is going to change your life, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
This is going to change your life. I don't know about my life.
Bill Walton
My life.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, look, we haven't done Borat impressions on this show in a long time.
Bill Walton
Well, they're back, baby.
Scott Aukerman
All right, all right.
Seals
I feel like I fell out of a tree onto my back.
Bill Walton
Oh, that's the worst. Do you want to massage?
Seals
Okay.
Bill Walton
All right. All right, look, lay on your front
Scott Aukerman
if you're going to massage seals here. I'm going to bring in our next guest.
Bill Walton
Perfect. That's perfect timing. I'm glad it worked out that way.
Scott Aukerman
I am going to bring in our next guest. And look, you need actors for your thing. And our next guest is probably one of the most successful actors and people in the entertainment industry that we've ever had on this show. He also. I hate to even call him a private investigator because he barely does that, but he's a very successful actor. Please welcome Boobs Rinse to the show.
Boobs Rinse
Hello, Scott. Thanks for having me.
Scott Aukerman
Hi, Boobs.
Boobs Rinse
Congrats on the 17 years.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you so much. Congrats to you on all of your success that we found out about as a private eye.
Boobs Rinse
Thank you so much.
Scott Aukerman
Not necessarily as a private eye.
Boobs Rinse
Primarily a private eye.
Scott Aukerman
No, you. I mean primarily as.
Boobs Rinse
By the way.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Boobs Rinse
I checked your facts. You're right. It's been 17 years.
Scott Aukerman
Thank you.
Boobs Rinse
I didn't take it. I didn't take it at face value.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, great.
Boobs Rinse
I checked my sources.
Scott Aukerman
You looked up Wikipedia.
Boobs Rinse
I looked up Wikipedia. Within 2 seconds. I had the facts.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
And you are right on the money.
Scott Aukerman
Great.
Boobs Rinse
17 years.
Scott Aukerman
Good investigative work. Hey, thank you so much.
Yoda
Thanks.
Bill Walton
Would you like soft, medium or hard pressure?
Seals
You know what? Start off medium. And if it gets. If it gets. If it's not good enough or if it's too hard, then it will adjust from there.
Yoda
Fantastic.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Do you mind if there's a massage going on?
Boobs Rinse
Not at all.
Scott Aukerman
During the. Not at all.
Boobs Rinse
With my powers of deductive reasoning, I can learn a lot about these guys by watching the massage. Just observe.
Seals
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
That man is.
Seals
That was medium Note.
Bill Walton
Take, kid.
Boobs Rinse
That man is in pain, is my observation. He's hurting right now and the other man is super strong.
Seals
I feel like your fingers got in between my ribs and I spat ribs. Hot ribs.
Scott Aukerman
So boobs.
Tony
Thanks. Yes.
Scott Aukerman
You are a Los Feliz private investigator.
Boobs Rinse
That's correct. Yes.
Scott Aukerman
You mainly investigate cases within the city limits of Los Angeles Feliz.
Boobs Rinse
Yes. Although I've specified even further.
Scott Aukerman
You.
Boobs Rinse
I'm doing Hillhurst Avenue only cases.
Scott Aukerman
You're doing. Okay.
Boobs Rinse
One of the avenues of Los Feliz
Scott Aukerman
you're getting now more specific to just Hillhurst.
Boobs Rinse
Specific. Just Hillhurst Avenue and Los Feels.
Scott Aukerman
I'm excluding little Doms.
Boobs Rinse
Little Doms is involved? Yes. Mustard Seed Cafe. I'm all over it.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. These are local Los Angeles references.
Boobs Rinse
These are very well known local Los Angeles references. But Vermont Avenue? House of Pies. You're of luck, Fred. 62. I don't want to hear about it.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so nothing.
Boobs Rinse
Nothing.
Scott Aukerman
It has to have an actual crime
Boobs Rinse
or the victim address must have a Hillhurst address within a block.
Seals
Surely you'll investigate something at Cafe Figaro.
Boobs Rinse
Cafe Figaro? No, I'm afraid not.
Seals
What?
Boobs Rinse
I'm afraid not. Unless one of the residents is lives two blocks to the east, then I would.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so, but so this is very specific. Now last time you were on the show.
Seals
What if there's a murder at E?
Boobs Rinse
I can't do anything about it. Nothing at EK Unless they go hide in Maru coffee shop. Then I'm all over it.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, so.
Boobs Rinse
So if there's any involvement at all from the Hillhurst Avenue space.
Seals
What if someone's kidnapped from so plant.
Scott Aukerman
I know so much about Los Feliz, don't you? Where do you live again?
Seals
I used to live here in California, but currently I live in Nashville, Tennessee.
Scott Aukerman
And who. Who are you married to?
Boobs Rinse
He's to the phone.
Seals
I'm married to my wife. Smart guy.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, sure. But what is her full Christian name?
Seals
Oh, okay. Why you look at it?
Scott Aukerman
Isn't it Ruby something?
Seals
Her name is Ruby Jean Anderson. As I stated previously, we've been married since 1970. We have three children.
Boobs Rinse
Welcome to California.
Seals
My brother is England.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. How's he doing these days by the way?
Seals
He's good.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Great.
Bill Walton
Any problem areas?
Seals
My neck, my back.
Scott Aukerman
Can I ask follow up about your
Boobs Rinse
and your back And I don't mean to. I don't mean to rush this Scott, because it's an honor to be here but.
Scott Aukerman
What's going on?
Boobs Rinse
I got a heart out in half an hour. I have a meeting with Christopher Nolan later I'm hoping about a case.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, yeah, Christopher Nolan, local LA resident. What's going on with Christopher?
Boobs Rinse
I'm not sure. It's some kind of sit down talking about again. I'm hoping it's some kind of criminal case involving Hillhurst Avenue. Yeah, he sent me a script. I've read it. It doesn't seem to be about a crime, but.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I. Can I. Can I say the last time you were on the show we as we spoke to you more and more about your cases which seem to be almost non existent. We found out that you are actually a very, very successful actor and producer. You've won many, many awards. That's subjective because you don't view yourself as an actor. It sounds to me like Christopher Nolan has sent you a script maybe to star in.
Boobs Rinse
He said it says the Odyssey 2.
Scott Aukerman
The Odyssey 2.
Boobs Rinse
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, yeah, no, this.
Seals
Even further.
Boobs Rinse
Let me see. Yes. Odyssey 2. Even further.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I think he wants you to be in this movie.
Boobs Rinse
I'm assuming there's a Hillhurst Avenue about crime related to the Odyssey.
Scott Aukerman
I really doubt it. This was set thousands of years ago. The first Odyssey, at least. I don't know whether there's a time jump in the second Odyssey that's a
Seals
clue to, like, the 60s.
Scott Aukerman
I don't know.
Yoda
I.
Scott Aukerman
It seems to me like he wants your services as an actor.
Boobs Rinse
Listen, when you're a private eye, you can't take anything at face value, all right? So if Christopher Nolan sends me a script for the Odyssey 2 and he says, meet me for an audience.
Scott Aukerman
You know what? I just looked up Deadline. It says you're attached to the Odyssey 2 as an actor.
Seals
Oh, man, congrats.
Boobs Rinse
Well, thanks, but good for you.
Bill Walton
That's awesome. That's actually awesome, man. Good for you.
Scott Aukerman
It says your people are in talks for you to star in it.
Bill Walton
That's awesome.
Boobs Rinse
That might be true.
Seals
That.
Boobs Rinse
That's. That's not a big part of my mind. It's not something I think about. It's not. It's not a part of my life.
Scott Aukerman
But you are willing to show up to set and learn all the lines?
Boobs Rinse
Sure. It could be good research for a case. If I ever have to investigate the murder of an actor, it could be good experience. Yeah, no, I'll be there.
Scott Aukerman
You'll be there. Okay, good.
Boobs Rinse
But that's not something I'm going to invest a lot of preparation or time in. Oh, I've started learning how to pick locks.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
That's a good skill for a private investigator.
Boobs Rinse
Can I demonstrate? You got any locks around here?
Seals
I got three.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah. You on you.
Seals
Yeah, just free float.
Boobs Rinse
Three bikes? Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Why do you have three bikes?
Seals
Because it's fun to ride a bike.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, I'm sorry, let me see. What, at the same time? Surely.
Seals
How do you know?
Scott Aukerman
I don't know.
Seals
Yeah, you don't.
Scott Aukerman
It doesn't.
Seals
Shut up.
Scott Aukerman
You.
Seals
See you.
Bill Walton
This is palpable. This will be great on set. Here's a robe while you give me your locks.
Seals
Here's my three locks. I got a Yale. Okay. Oh, this one's also a Yale.
Boobs Rinse
Two Yales.
Bill Walton
And yeah.
Seals
Oh, I forgot this was a Yale, too.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
It's a great sturdy lock. I'll take the second Yale.
Seals
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
All right. Now let me see. This is locked.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
All right. Now we just get my lock picking kit. All right.
Yoda
Oh.
Boobs Rinse
Oh, sorry. Caught A little bit. Sorry, My finger's caught.
Yoda
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
Oh, oh, hang on. Thumb is also caught. Hang on. Could you yank? I'm sorry. My finger and thumb are caught.
Seals
How getting you.
Boobs Rinse
Sorry. Both my thumb and finger are in.
Seals
Not that big an opening.
Boobs Rinse
I just yank the chain.
Scott Aukerman
Ah, God.
Yoda
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
Yank it. Yank it.
Seals
I did.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Boobs.
Boobs Rinse
My finger and thumb are stuck in.
Scott Aukerman
I'm reading further. Further on this deadline. You absolutely palpable. Further on this deadline article for the Odyssey 2. It says you play a character named the locksmith. Is that why you're learning all this?
Boobs Rinse
Hey, I put the idea in my head, you know?
Scott Aukerman
Okay. All right.
Boobs Rinse
I was like, a locksmith could be good for a private. Okay, let me get the other one here. Let me get the other one here. You know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna do this one with my.
Seals
I call this one Big Bertha.
Boobs Rinse
Big birth of the lock.
Seals
Why? So I can differentiate the locks.
Boobs Rinse
Okay.
Yoda
All right.
Boobs Rinse
Give me Big Bertha.
Seals
Why is everybody attacking me?
Scott Aukerman
Because you're kind of an unpleasant jerk.
Boobs Rinse
Hey, man, I'm a huge fan. I just realized it now.
Seals
Thanks, man.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, you're just realizing now.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah, I Just putting it.
Scott Aukerman
What kind of private investigator are you?
Bill Walton
That you.
Scott Aukerman
We've been addressing him by name this entire show.
Boobs Rinse
I wanted to make sure. Sure he wasn't lying.
Scott Aukerman
I had to.
Boobs Rinse
I had to. I had to check my sources.
Seals
There's a lot of SEALs impersonators out there.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah, I bet you that's true.
Yoda
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
All right, let me see a big birthday here. I'm gonna do this one with my feet.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Seals
Why
Scott Aukerman
Couldn't even do it with your hands. The feet.
Boobs Rinse
I've been practicing more with my feet.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
This is in the case of a member. On my back. And there's a locked door within the reach of my feet. And I have to pick it with my feet.
Seals
How do you get.
Scott Aukerman
Why was there feet? Why would there be a door in reach of your feet?
Boobs Rinse
Let's say that I've been kidnapped by. By a murderer that I'm investigating. Right? And he gets. And he subdues me.
Scott Aukerman
He gets a drop on you.
Yoda
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
And I. And I almost get him.
Scott Aukerman
And I. And I.
Boobs Rinse
And I.
Scott Aukerman
And you're on your back, and there's a door right above your head.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah. And he's above. No, in front of me. Like, I'm on my back looking. And then down at my feet, there's a door.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
And I hooch. I scooch my butt towards the door.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
And then I reach My feet up like this. Hang on. Let me put the lock picking stuff in my toes. Okay, now this is more difficult.
Scott Aukerman
You just use your hand to put the lock picking.
Boobs Rinse
Okay, well, that's. Okay, well, let's just assume that. Let's assume that in this hypothetical case where I'm being chased by a murderer,
Scott Aukerman
you're just keeping lock picking. And I've got the tools in between
Boobs Rinse
your toes from now on. This is a good lesson. I'll keep my lock picking tools in my shoes.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, let's see this.
Seals
I get two sets.
Boobs Rinse
What's that?
Seals
I get two sets.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Keep one for your hands.
Boobs Rinse
I don't know.
Seals
I'd have a shoe set and a handset.
Boobs Rinse
I'll have one set and I'll just keep in my shoes.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. All right. Because if I.
Boobs Rinse
If I.
Scott Aukerman
If you could use your hands.
Boobs Rinse
If my hands are free, I'll just reach down and get them the out of my shoes.
Seals
Yeah, but I mean, they've been in your shoe all day.
Boobs Rinse
You're right. Okay, I'll get two sets. You know what? I'll get three. One for each hand, one for the right shoe. Here we go.
Seals
Maybe four.
Boobs Rinse
You four.
Scott Aukerman
The left shoe.
Boobs Rinse
Okay, Right now I can't use my left foot, but I'll practice on it.
Yoda
Why not?
Boobs Rinse
Why not have four?
Scott Aukerman
Okay, Lewis, if.
Seals
If you use the one. If you. If they reverse one shoe and they're like, oh, you had lockpick tools in here. They never think you had another one in the other shoe.
Boobs Rinse
Reverse Daniel Day Lewis.
Scott Aukerman
Because he could only use his left foot.
Boobs Rinse
Right. Instead of saying my right foot, it would just be like, my reverse left foot.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Seals
Hey, remember how he got a Oscar for that?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
And then there was a little kid who did all the same exact.
Scott Aukerman
And he didn't anything. I know. Yeah, he. He does the first half hour of the movie talking about Simon Birch. No.
Seals
What?
Bill Walton
Simon Burch.
Scott Aukerman
No, no. AKA Owen Meanie.
Seals
Yeah. Daniel Day Lewis.
Boobs Rinse
Daniel Day Lewis was in Simon Burch?
Seals
Yeah, he wore an Oscar.
Boobs Rinse
I went out for Simon Burch.
Bill Walton
Can I actually say something? Yeah, please do some things together. My wife every week.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, don't do your Borat impression. Okay.
Bill Walton
When I do my Borat impression, you'll know it, brother. All right, so my wife, every week she goes to a private 101 yoga class at yoga law. And then she.
Scott Aukerman
She.
Bill Walton
I have a find my iPhone and I can see where she is. She's in Qi Dynasty for six hours.
Boobs Rinse
All right, this is exactly what I need. You met yoga vibe Right.
Bill Walton
Yoga vibe helmet.
Boobs Rinse
Savannah Yoga Studio.
Bill Walton
Yes, that's the one.
Seals
That's right.
Bill Walton
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
Boobs Rinse
No problem.
Bill Walton
So she always comes back very satisfied and smelling of my best friend.
Seals
Hey.
Boobs Rinse
Yes, but this is the case.
Bill Walton
She says she just really gets hungry for trust. Chinese food and Mai tai's after her yoga classes. And yet she's not gaining any weight.
Yoda
Right.
Scott Aukerman
Maybe the yoga's canceling it out or that's possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this a question about the case or are you leading up to asking him to be in your vertical?
Bill Walton
So, all that being said, I'm interested in this. I've got a lot of creative free time from noon to 7pm when your wife's at yoga? When my wife's at yoga. Yoga and then Chinese food with my best friend.
Boobs Rinse
You don't want me to look into
Bill Walton
this situation if you're noticing anything unusual. But mostly what I want is I need a big name actor like yourself.
Boobs Rinse
Well, I'm not a big name actor, okay?
Scott Aukerman
I mean, you have thousands of credits here on IMDb.
Boobs Rinse
Yes, but those were all incidental, accidental credits.
Scott Aukerman
Most of them accidental.
Boobs Rinse
Some of them I didn't even know were happening.
Bill Walton
I see a big green up arrow right next to your star meter, my friend.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah, so I don't have any control over. Over that.
Seals
Should I know the name Boobs Rinse? I'm embarrassed now.
Boobs Rinse
I don't think you should. I mean, I mean, these guys are
Seals
kind of saying you're famous.
Boobs Rinse
If you're familiar with the world of private eyes, then yes, you should know the name Boobs Rinse. But that's the only way you would know me. Let me.
Seals
Like real private eyes or fake one?
Boobs Rinse
Real private eyes.
Seals
I only know fake ones.
Scott Aukerman
It says here that you invented the COVID vaccine.
Boobs Rinse
Yes, but I didn't get a patent on that because I didn't. I wasn't interested in the glory.
Seals
That's why we call it the Fauci Ouchie.
Boobs Rinse
Great.
Scott Aukerman
I love that.
Boobs Rinse
I love that it's called the Fauci Ouchie. He can have it.
Scott Aukerman
You don't mind it? Because I don't mind at all if it was the Boobs Ouchie.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah, I would.
Scott Aukerman
I would.
Boobs Rinse
I don't even want anything to do with that.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, got it.
Seals
That's what a mammogram is called.
Bill Walton
You invented a mammogram.
Boobs Rinse
I invented a mammogram. I didn't invent the mammogram. I perfected it. They never worked.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, you perfected It.
Boobs Rinse
Somebody else invented it. But I did a second draft.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Okay.
Seals
And that's where they left it. Yes.
Boobs Rinse
Two drafts of the mammogram.
Scott Aukerman
And it was.
Seals
There's no better way to do this. Sorry.
Boobs Rinse
The original way was really. I was like, hey, just do this. And then it worked. And I was like, don't change the name.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
I don't want it to be a boobs a gram.
Bill Walton
I send that to one of my friends every year on his birthday.
Scott Aukerman
A boobs a gram.
Bill Walton
Boobs a gram.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
Anyway, listen.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. And I am listening. Believe me.
Boobs Rinse
I will take.
Seals
Did you invent jib jab?
Boobs Rinse
Did I invent jib jab? No.
Scott Aukerman
But I did pose during all of them.
Boobs Rinse
It says here, yes, I acted in
Seals
Body Fox for all jib jabs.
Boobs Rinse
I'm the mocap source for most of the jib jabs. When they would have, like, Mitt Romney meeting up with, like, Don Draper, I was usually both of those guys.
Seals
Wow. Yeah. That was my favorite one.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah. Mitt Romney Chip chat was so. I mean, you really had to be in the Zeitgeist.
Scott Aukerman
No, it was 2012.
Boobs Rinse
It doesn't work anymore. Yeah, it doesn't work anymore.
Seals
He says, my favorite meal is hot dog. And then Dodge goes, I don't think about you at all. And then they do a dance with Charles. Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
Turkey. The straw starts playing, and they both just start going nuts.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
It was fun.
Seals
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
I would just be the mocap guy. I can't take any credit for the writing. I wish I could.
Scott Aukerman
That's the one thing you would take credit for. I would love to be known for
Boobs Rinse
the guy who did jib jab. God, they were good.
Seals
What a writer's room that must have been.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Yeah. You were saying something.
Boobs Rinse
I was. I'm gonna take the case of figuring out what happened to your wife, why she's disappearing into Qi Dynasty.
Scott Aukerman
It sounds like he's going to be in the vertical.
Bill Walton
I'll hire you on the case if you disagree. The vertical?
Boobs Rinse
Well, I'm not really interested in the vertical.
Scott Aukerman
I mean. But you are going to do it.
Boobs Rinse
I'll investigate the case. Where's the vertical? Where's the vertical being shot?
Bill Walton
Shanghai, China.
Yoda
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
Well, then I'll just walk by set just as I'm investigating the case to see what happened to.
Scott Aukerman
And you may happen to say, whatever
Boobs Rinse
lines that Shanghai, China, which is connected to Qi Dynasty in some fashion.
Bill Walton
Oh.
Scott Aukerman
It's like, yeah, satellite, sort of.
Seals
So.
Boobs Rinse
All right, I'll go to Shanghai. Since it's A Hillhurst related business.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Oh, great.
Bill Walton
Okay, great.
Boobs Rinse
All of Shanghai. China is a Hillhurst Avenue related business.
Seals
Do you think China gets a cut of every Chinese restaurant?
Scott Aukerman
Sure.
Seals
Like Pand. They have to, like, give them.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah, I would. I would think so.
Bill Walton
How do they keep the prices so low then?
Seals
Boy, that's a great question.
Bill Walton
It's a great question. That's why I love.
Seals
Maybe they send the money through the Internet.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
Residuals is a bad postage.
Boobs Rinse
Residuals is a huge part of any actor. I never negotiated it, but I somehow got a piece of every episode of MASH that gets rerun.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, well, I mean, I. I'm reading here because you co created it with Larry Gelbart. Is that.
Boobs Rinse
Well, unofficially, Larry came up with most of the ideas.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, but you came up with the asterisks. It says in between the letters.
Boobs Rinse
I was 10 years old and they were just going to call it MASH with no asterisks. I was like, that's going to confuse everybody. This is an asterisk.
Scott Aukerman
I think it's potatoes.
Yoda
Right.
Boobs Rinse
Put asterisks in between it.
Scott Aukerman
Got it. Wow. I mean, that's. So you got a huge cut. Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
I get 50% of all mash resistance.
Scott Aukerman
I'm reading your biography. It says your circumcision. You got a huge cut.
Boobs Rinse
I got a huge cut?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
Oh, yeah. Separately than that.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Boobs Rinse
When I.
Scott Aukerman
How big are we talking?
Boobs Rinse
When I was 10 years old, I said, let's go more on this.
Bill Walton
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
I got the whole.
Seals
You got circumcised at 10 years old?
Boobs Rinse
10 years old, yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Wow.
Boobs Rinse
Oh, I see, Jeff.
Scott Aukerman
I see. You wanted more.
Seals
You want.
Scott Aukerman
You went all the way down to the shaft. Wow. Okay. Talk about shaft. I can dig it.
Seals
Shut your mouth. Now, let me ask you a question.
Scott Aukerman
And.
Seals
Okay, this isn't rude.
Boobs Rinse
I hope not.
Seals
How much do you get paid for your private eye services?
Boobs Rinse
10 cents a day plus expenses.
Seals
10 cents?
Boobs Rinse
Encyclopedia Brown rates.
Scott Aukerman
But I mean, you're so rich and famous that it doesn't.
Boobs Rinse
Irrelevant.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Boobs Rinse
First of all, I don't think I'm famous. Most people haven't heard of the name Boobs Rinse.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
I have it in my contract that the audience has to be Men in black at the end of every one of my movies.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, really? Neuralized.
Boobs Rinse
Yep. They have to be neural. So I'm in the credits, but you get neuralized to have just that part of it forgotten.
Seals
So fly.
Boobs Rinse
So fly. Why, I thought you were complimenting my looks.
Seals
You are so fly.
Boobs Rinse
Oh, thank you.
Seals
Why don't you want people to know you're in the movie?
Boobs Rinse
Cuz I want people to focus on my private eye business.
Seals
Maybe don't do the movies.
Boobs Rinse
I shouldn't. You know what? That's a great idea. You know what, Bill? I can't. I can't help. I can't do your case.
Scott Aukerman
Fine.
Bill Walton
I don't want you to find out if my wife's cheating on me.
Scott Aukerman
What do I got to find out?
Bill Walton
Well, then do the thing.
Scott Aukerman
I got enough.
Nana
Go.
Boobs Rinse
All right, I'll do it.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. All right, well, I think that we've. We've. Look, we're here to solve problems. We have now.
Seals
Wait, are we?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, we are. We have. I hooked you up with a musical partner. I hooked you up with a famous actor for your vertical.
Boobs Rinse
And you got me a case.
Scott Aukerman
And I got you a case. This is what Comedy Bang Bang does.
Boobs Rinse
You're going to get 10% of this. Whatever I make off it.
Scott Aukerman
Can I make 10% off of you and your acting career? Honestly?
Boobs Rinse
I'm afraid not. I'm afraid not. It's not important to me.
Scott Aukerman
Where are you repped?
Boobs Rinse
I'm repped by. Let me see. Currently, I'm repped by my brother.
Nana
Brother?
Scott Aukerman
Oh, right, yes. Is he the guy who. No, your roommate writes all the books about you.
Boobs Rinse
Bennett Quince. My roommate. And he also is my brother.
Yoda
I found out.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, he's your brother as well.
Bill Walton
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Well, a lot.
Bill Walton
We.
Scott Aukerman
You know, I would love to talk to him someday on the.
Bill Walton
Oh, maybe.
Scott Aukerman
I have.
Boobs Rinse
I think. You have a couple times.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, never mind. All right.
Bill Walton
Well, I remember that.
Boobs Rinse
Dead ended. About like this, as I recall.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Bill Walton
Well, look, boobs.
Scott Aukerman
Boobs. We have to.
Boobs Rinse
You talking to me?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Boo. No. Yes.
Nana
Okay, great.
Scott Aukerman
Who did you think I was talking.
Boobs Rinse
I thought you were looking at your computer and you were just saying what you were looking at.
Scott Aukerman
No, no, no. I'm actually talking to you. We do need to get to our final.
Bill Walton
I cased a penis.
Scott Aukerman
We do need to get to our final guest of the show here.
Boobs Rinse
Can I stay?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Please. No, Boobs. We want you to stay. Of course. They'd be thrilled to meet you, I'm sure.
Boobs Rinse
Okay, great.
Seals
Can I stay?
Scott Aukerman
Seals. Yeah, I would love for you to stay, Bill.
Bill Walton
Happy to. Thank you, Scott.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. I prefer to be asked, but okay.
Bill Walton
Well, yeah, I. I guess I'll just sit on your lap. We're out of chairs, but we'll be all right here.
Scott Aukerman
Sure, if you have to. Okay, let's get to them. They are the owners and proprietors of a certain website called cooldickshoes.com as well as other auxiliary websites. Please welcome back to the show Austin and Tony.
Austin
Thank you for having us.
Bean Dip
Hello.
Tony
Hello. Hey, take your helmet off.
Austin
Oh, take my helmet off?
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Why do you have a helmet on?
Austin
I just.
Tony
We scootered. We scooted here.
Austin
You know that.
Tony
Yeah, you know.
Austin
Sorry. Do you mind just giving us a couple minutes to check in with each other?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, we just haven't gotten. I guess you could have before the show, but. Yeah, go ahead.
Seals
Sure.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Austin
I love you.
Scott Aukerman
I love.
Tony
We got this, dude.
Austin
We got this, dude.
Scott Aukerman
It's not a big deal.
Tony
We're absolutely serious.
Austin
We're strong.
Tony
We're strong.
Austin
We're strong.
Tony
We're absolutely serious. We're business.
Scott Aukerman
Let's go.
Tony
All right.
Austin
1, 2, 3.
Scott Aukerman
You and me, baby.
Tony
1, 2, 3. You and me, baby.
Scott Aukerman
You guys good now?
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, yeah, we're good.
Tony
We're good. What's up? How's it going?
Scott Aukerman
Good, good, good, good. Austin and Tony, you're a couple of.
Austin
We're not a couple of.
Tony
No, relax. Yeah, relax. That'd be insane.
Scott Aukerman
But you are two separate high school aged gentlemen and you're still in high school. You're not graduating right now. It is May. May 4th.
Austin
Yes. Actually it's funny that you ask. We are graduating and we are. Are now hoping to go to college.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, good. And when we have checked in with you in the past, you have various businesses, one of them being cooldickshoes.com where you draw realistic to you penises on tennis shoes.
Tony
Yeah. And photorealistic.
Scott Aukerman
Photorealistic in the sense of the size of them.
Tony
Exactly.
Scott Aukerman
And the flaccidness of them.
Seals
And it's not like in the Martin Mulle way.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, exactly, exactly.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
I don't know what that means, but yeah.
Seals
Martin Mo, late actor, was also a photorealistic patriot.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that's right. Meaning that he would paint things from memory or he would paint things that
Seals
looked like they were photographs of things.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, why is that?
Austin
Is that like.
Scott Aukerman
Just take the guy.
Austin
Tick tock guy?
Scott Aukerman
Was he a tick tock?
Austin
What's tick tock?
Tony
What's tick tock?
Austin
Tick tock?
Tony
Tick tock?
Scott Aukerman
What the hell? You don't know what tick tock is?
Seals
Yeah, sure I do, dude.
Scott Aukerman
To his credit, Seals is a 79 year old man.
Seals
I live in Nashville.
Scott Aukerman
And you're married to Ruby Jean Anderson.
Bill Walton
Thanks.
Scott Aukerman
Ever since.
Seals
Ever since 1970s.
Scott Aukerman
So the. Why would he know it? Yeah.
Seals
Nailed it. Ruby.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Bill Walton
Hell yeah, man. That's awesome.
Boobs Rinse
That's awesome, dude.
Tony
That's awesome. I love.
Bill Walton
I just want to clarify, just in case boobs might have the same confusion. This isn't shoes for cool. Private eyes who are sometimes called themselves.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, boobs. I saw you. Your eyes lit up.
Boobs Rinse
That's what I was hoping. Cool dick shoes for a private dick.
Tony
Oh, yeah.
Seals
No.
Tony
Oh, well, it could be if you bought one.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Do you want to buy any? Maybe you could.
Boobs Rinse
I mean, if these are shoes for private eyes, I should buy them. Yeah.
Austin
There. They can be shoes for private eyes,
Scott Aukerman
but they are sneakers, by the way, and you sneak around when you're a private eyes.
Boobs Rinse
Are these quiet shoes?
Tony
Oh, really quiet.
Austin
They're super quiet.
Boobs Rinse
I'll take a pair.
Tony
Exactly. All right.
Austin
Okay, great. So that'll be a couple of years, and we'll get them to you.
Scott Aukerman
A couple of. Did you say years?
Tony
We have a. Here's the thing is we're going on with you guys. We're trying to. We're trying to go cut the.
Austin
Okay, don't look.
Tony
Okay, well, I'm locked in with the seal man. Won't you look at me dead in the eye?
Austin
Now I'm stuck up with him, too.
Tony
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
Staring.
Austin
Connect with me through the seal.
Tony
Okay.
Boobs Rinse
They're staring straight.
Tony
There they are.
Seals
Be one seal.
Scott Aukerman
You know his name is seals, plural, right?
Austin
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just. We shorten everything. It's our generation. You guys are. This is the 17th year of this thing. You know, we're 17 years old.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. Dude. Were. Were your parents having sex? Listening to the show when the.
Austin
Well, we have different parents and. Yes, they were.
Scott Aukerman
They were. Okay, great.
Austin
They were both having sex on. You know those.
Scott Aukerman
With each other.
Tony
With each other. Yeah. Yeah.
Austin
You know those couches that are like at the bottom of. It's like a square, and then you go down into the couch.
Bill Walton
Recessed what? Recessed couches.
Austin
Yeah, exactly.
Scott Aukerman
Sure.
Austin
So, like that. They're having sex like that.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, cool. So. Meaning they were taking the body positions of the. I don't care.
Austin
Yes, sir. That's what I mean.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, man.
Seals
I want to have. Have sex with you like one of those recessed couches.
Scott Aukerman
So tell me what's going on with your business?
Bill Walton
I mean, sorry, I took it your word.
Scott Aukerman
A backlog of. Of two. Two years or three years to get shoes to boobs over here. That's. I mean, that's too long.
Tony
Well, so here's the thing is we've been behind on production before, so this Time.
Austin
Our.
Tony
Our thing is like follow through. I mean, if you could go to www.cool Dick Shoes socks.com.
Scott Aukerman
sorry, what? A slightly different website. Www.cool Dick Shoes.
Tony
Socks.
Bill Walton
Socks.
Tony
Cool Dick Shoe Socks.
Austin
No Shoe socks. Yeah, there's just one s. This site
Scott Aukerman
doesn't support a secure connection. What? Maybe I shouldn't do that. Watch it, Scott.
Boobs Rinse
This is a track.
Austin
Really shouldn't be happening.
Scott Aukerman
Let me see. Cool Dick shoes. Socks.
Boobs Rinse
Singular.
Scott Aukerman
Shoe.
Austin
Cool Dick shoe Socks.
Scott Aukerman
Shoe socks dot com.
Tony
Cool Dick shoes.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, here we go.
Austin
Because we just wanted to do something that we know we can make in production.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. So Cool Dick shoe socks.
Seals
Wow, look at those.
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
It said there's a picture of socks that says socks are also shoes.
Seals
Oh, you're right.
Tony
Right.
Austin
Yeah, exactly. Dude, you get it. Seals get it. Seals gets it. Dude, that's great.
Bill Walton
That's great.
Seals
Seals get it.
Tony
Seals get it. These are socks for people. People and seals.
Austin
Because when you step outside and you're wearing socks, it's different than your toes being on the ground. So it's kind of like a shoe at the same time, but much easier to order.
Scott Aukerman
So this I see a picture of just one white athletic sock with a. With a tiny penis drawn on it.
Austin
That is correct.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Bill Walton
That's not tiny.
Tony
Well, it's embroidered and it's. It's tiny on the sock, but it is large. Energy wise.
Seals
It's really easy to order.
Austin
I'm going to use it. Please only order one. That's just one because.
Seals
Wait, you just get one sock.
Bill Walton
Sorry, I just ordered 100 for my whole family. I figured I could.
Austin
We have eight in stock.
Tony
We have eight.
Seals
I just got to that part of the website. This with eight in stock.
Bill Walton
Only one.
Seals
Only order one per order.
Austin
Per order. Only order one.
Seals
They're one size, man.
Bill Walton
Only order one sock per order. Again, just clarify that one.
Scott Aukerman
You've ordered 100. What do you.
Bill Walton
I ordered a hundred. So what will I.
Austin
You shouldn't be able.
Tony
You shouldn't be able to do that.
Austin
That was your job.
Tony
Well, I was a little stoned, I'll be honest.
Bill Walton
Hey.
Seals
This also says order submitted successfully and I have not placed an order.
Austin
So that's proof that you can order.
Bill Walton
Because I just got a big skull and crossbones on my phone screen here right after I clicked a link.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Seals
I. Scroll down more. Scroll down a little more. It says we're actually doing it. We think.
Tony
Yes, look. Yeah, because we. We partnered with. What was it? Custom Printful. We've partnered with printful.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Tony
And so now we have socks that we will mail to people.
Austin
Yep.
Scott Aukerman
Printful is a company that makes apparel.
Tony
We've partnered with this company. Yeah. They make apparel. We did a prototype where we embroidered a sock.
Boobs Rinse
It's not working for me. I just subscribed to Kelsey Graham, Summer's only fans.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, gee, that's.
Boobs Rinse
Am I on the right side?
Scott Aukerman
I don't know. I think you're an only fan, so. I am.
Boobs Rinse
Is that not where you said no?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
Would you like me to take my shoes off?
Boobs Rinse
All right.
Bill Walton
Oh, no. Watch out for the stage, Kelsey. Watch out for the edge of that stage.
Tony
Sorry, I accidentally linked to the wrong thing. Dude. I mixed up my servers.
Boobs Rinse
There's a link to Kelsey Grammar's only
Seals
fans on this website.
Austin
Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.
Scott Aukerman
By the way, I've clicked on the about link and there's pictures of both of you. And it says who we are. We're two bros with the right idea about socks with dicks on them. And the right idea, I guess, is that.
Tony
That they should have them.
Scott Aukerman
That they should have them on them. Yeah. We are still in footwear, but now do socks, which are really close to shoes. We want to be the first official duo college application. What does that mean?
Austin
So we're applying to Boulder, Colorado, as a duo.
Tony
Yeah, we're going together. Key part of our application is that
Scott Aukerman
you got to take both.
Tony
Both of you.
Austin
It's a duo.
Scott Aukerman
Got it.
Austin
We want to be treated as one human.
Scott Aukerman
So does that mean, like, only one tuition? Is that why you're doing it?
Austin
Actually, we're actually not concerned about the money.
Tony
No.
Austin
That sort of usually just sort of works out for us.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Okay.
Austin
Our Mueller dads are lawyers.
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Right? Yeah. Yeah. You're so. So.
Austin
But I think they'll probably give us a two for one deal.
Tony
Yeah, probably.
Austin
That's what they do for writers in. In comedy rooms.
Bean Dip
That's true.
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Why do you guys want to do. Why do you want this? I mean, you are such great friends.
Austin
Best friends.
Scott Aukerman
Sure. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intimate you weren't best friends, but it's okay.
Tony
There's a lot of people.
Boobs Rinse
Side question.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
Mine says, don't be a nerd. Does everybody say that?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Bean Dip
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
You're Kelsey Grammar only fans.
Boobs Rinse
I'm back on the about page for CoolDickshoe socks.com and it says, don't be a nerd. Is that just mine?
Bill Walton
Comes my blazer.
Austin
That's just a friend.
Scott Aukerman
I can't shut this window.
Tony
So embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I link to this. I just.
Boobs Rinse
Kelsey thinks I'm giving him requests and I'm not.
Austin
It's just a friendly reminder.
Boobs Rinse
Don't be a nerd.
Scott Aukerman
I have nothing in my shopping cart. Can I add something? Add the cart.
Austin
You can add a sock. We tested it this way.
Boobs Rinse
Be careful. I purchased a sock and it absolutely worked. Just beware of that five.
Scott Aukerman
$5. And now I can go to checkout.
Boobs Rinse
It absolutely did.
Bill Walton
Charged down to seven socks.
Tony
Hell yeah.
Austin
Did it charge you for shipping? We've been wondering about that.
Boobs Rinse
It charged a dollar for shipping.
Austin
A dollar? We're going to lose money, dude.
Tony
No way, cuz. The socks are like 300 bucks.
Bill Walton
How much are you paying for ship them?
Scott Aukerman
We don't know.
Austin
We haven't gotten the socks. They're coming April 3rd or 4th or 5th.
Scott Aukerman
I think it wait, it's May 4th right now. You guys, the socks aren't coming for another 11 months. No.
Tony
If they're going to get these,
Yoda
I'm
Boobs Rinse
pretty sure I purchased a sock.
Austin
Okay, so there's seven in sock.
Tony
The other seven.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Bill Walton
Can I speak to Tony's photo?
Tony
What?
Bill Walton
Tony, Can I speak to Tony's photo?
Tony
Can I speak to.
Bill Walton
Not like literally to the photo. Like it's an AI. Can I speak to.
Scott Aukerman
You can talk to Tony Austin about the photo.
Bill Walton
Tony, would you argue. Are you trying to kind of be like quite toy and flirtatious in this photo or what's the vibe you're going for?
Tony
Yeah, that was just something I sent to my girlfriend.
Bill Walton
The mirror is pretty filthy, Tony.
Tony
What?
Bill Walton
Just the mirror is pretty filthy for
Nana
like a promo photo.
Tony
But I took a shower though.
Bill Walton
No, right.
Austin
But it's like a photo.
Bill Walton
But the mirror didn't. It looks like.
Tony
But I took a shower though. Oh, this is so embarrassing.
Bill Walton
And then like when you're taking a screen grab of a photo. So I would take it out of editing mode because it still says crop in the top, right? So we can see that you are in editing mode.
Scott Aukerman
I ever heard Bill Walton
Seals
see something that says you're now ready to sell physical merchandise.
Tony
Oh, yeah, that's our pr.
Austin
That's our proof.
Tony
Yeah, because we. We.
Seals
That's not like a thing that was in the template that shouldn't be in there anymore.
Austin
What? Well, how do you guys believe in Y2Y young white men? How about that?
Bill Walton
You know, that's all I believe in.
Scott Aukerman
I'm trying, okay?
Seals
That speaks to me because once I was two young white men and we really made it happen.
Scott Aukerman
You used to be two men.
Seals
Yeah, me and Crofts.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, Oh. I thought that you and another seal combined.
Seals
About Crofts again.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, like together style. Allison Brie and Dave Franco style into one person.
Seals
No man.
Bill Walton
Or station style.
Seals
Sorry, station style.
Bill Walton
I said the wrong movie.
Scott Aukerman
What did you say? The station agent?
Bill Walton
No. Well, the like the station agent where he splits in two at the end.
Austin
Dude, don't let it haunt you on the drive home.
Bill Walton
I'm going to. It's going to be a tough drive home.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, we'll call up Napster.
Bill Walton
Oh, why send me? I, I actually. I'd like to invest in this company. I think this is a great idea. And the only thing you're missing is scalability through like financial investment scale.
Tony
Okay, you're talking numbers. I'm. I'm a numbers guy.
Scott Aukerman
So you're a numbers guy. Throw out three numbers.
Tony
Okay. Six, seven.
Scott Aukerman
Six, seven.
Tony
Very, very you guys.
Bill Walton
Bro,
Tony
I'm grabbing my.
Seals
You got mog for old Maxing.
Tony
You got mog.
Bill Walton
It's like I'm sitting next to two Jeff Ross's here. My worst nightmare.
Tony
Yeah, yeah. Except for Tony and Austin.
Bill Walton
Right? No, I know.
Seals
Got you there, Bill.
Austin
Got you there.
Seals
Wow.
Bill Walton
Just to clarify for everyone I know that that that's who they are.
Austin
I mean, we're not two Jeff Rosses.
Bill Walton
Anyway, I. I do like your kind of energy. I don't know that we'd be ever be in an office together if we work together. Cuz you've eviscerated me twice already. But I'd be willing to invest up to like $5 million in that business. Up to.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Bill Walton
And minimum, I guess I'd slide that Zillow thing all the way to $1,500.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, you can't get anything $1,500.
Bill Walton
Well, we'll. I want to see what the pitch is.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Bill Walton
You know, I'd like to do 1500, but if it's worth the money.
Scott Aukerman
You got Bill Walton on the line. Okay, reeling in.
Tony
Okay, first of all, sorry for insulting you earlier.
Scott Aukerman
Earlier.
Bill Walton
It's water under the bridge.
Tony
Okay. Second of all.
Seals
Good.
Tony
Good.
Scott Aukerman
Is that a good thing?
Austin
Yeah, you want water?
Scott Aukerman
You want water under a bridge?
Bill Walton
Oh yeah. Otherwise what's Garfunkel going to sing about?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, good point.
Austin
Oats. Trying to do like your guys thing. Oats?
Tony
Oats.
Austin
Cuz of Garfunkel.
Tony
You guys like Reverend?
Austin
Cuz you guys were talking. It's like a old band.
Scott Aukerman
References.
Bill Walton
Right. Well, graphical notes isn't an old man reference. No, it's like a millennial reference, so.
Tony
Well, that's an old man.
Bill Walton
So this is the.
Tony
Okay, right, right, right. Okay. So we did the chat. Okay, so. Okay, so what you. What you have here is a dynamic duo that has an artist.
Austin
Oh, we're re pitching from the beginning. That's good. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
What do you want to start?
Tony
I'll start wherever you want to start.
Boobs Rinse
In the middle. Start the exact middle.
Scott Aukerman
In the middle.
Tony
$5 a shoe.
Austin
If you could do it.
Scott Aukerman
What?
Austin
They were starting in the middle of a sentence.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, in the middle of a sentence. Okay, if you could do it.
Tony
So. So what we. We have socks that are. We bought wholesale. We bought some.
Austin
We. We probably spent $50 a sock.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah,
Tony
pretty much.
Scott Aukerman
Socks Fables.
Austin
Well, because they're embroidered. We didn't want them screen printed. Like that's cheap.
Seals
But like, these are just crew socks, right?
Austin
Yeah, but they're specialized, so.
Seals
I know, but I don't know.
Scott Aukerman
I think you guys got ripped off.
Tony
What do you mean?
Seals
Was it printful? Was it printful where you got them embroidered?
Tony
Yeah, well, printful. Well, we partnered with them, so we sent them the proto.
Seals
Did you go to even one other place to see what it would cost?
Austin
Actually, we did. We went to custominc.com and they actually said that it would take. Was it two weeks to get here.
Tony
And we were like, it was untenable.
Seals
But printful can do it in house. How long?
Scott Aukerman
11 months, it sounds like.
Austin
Exactly.
Tony
Oh, dude, I told you we gotta
Scott Aukerman
stop smoking and doing this. Yeah, two weeks is left.
Boobs Rinse
I just ordered a sock.
Yoda
I need it.
Boobs Rinse
I need it in a week.
Yoda
Okay?
Boobs Rinse
I need it for a case.
Tony
For a case.
Boobs Rinse
I'm investigating a puppet show. I need a sock to infiltrate.
Austin
No, no, no, dude, you can't not use it on your feet.
Boobs Rinse
I have to use it on my hand. Okay, I'll use it on my feet and I'll do the puppet with my feet.
Austin
Fine.
Tony
Okay. Okay, fine.
Austin
Deal.
Boobs Rinse
It's a puppet show. I have to be part of the puppet show to find out about the. The case.
Austin
What's the show about?
Boobs Rinse
It's called Abbott Elementary.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, wait, no. You're doing an episode of Abbott Elementary.
Boobs Rinse
I think technically, I guess I'm playing the part of a puppet puppeteer on this show called Abdel.
Scott Aukerman
Can we talk about how you're a regular on that show?
Boobs Rinse
I'm also a series regular, but that's when my face shows. When my face shows. I'm a new series radio in Abbott Elementary.
Austin
That's great, man.
Boobs Rinse
We wouldn't know that because a part of my contract is to neuralize everybody's memory of me.
Scott Aukerman
Right, right, right. Every time we watch it.
Boobs Rinse
But then I'm going to have a foot puppet in one of the episodes. And I got. And I don't have a sock yet.
Scott Aukerman
Can you get this? Two boobs.
Seals
And this is tied into a case
Boobs Rinse
somehow, I assume that I got contracted to solve a case.
Scott Aukerman
No, you just got.
Boobs Rinse
You.
Scott Aukerman
You got cast on Abbott Elementary. I think.
Boobs Rinse
I don't.
Yoda
I.
Boobs Rinse
It's.
Scott Aukerman
I'm.
Boobs Rinse
Look, the point is I need the sock in a week.
Austin
Where do you live? Cuz that's. We only have a dollar.
Scott Aukerman
Have you heard of Hillhurst Avenue?
Austin
We can run down there.
Tony
Yeah, we can have the scooter. It's so painful to get up here.
Austin
Are you by all time. Time.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah.
Seals
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
I'm in that. I'm in. I'm in that neighborhood. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Cool.
Tony
Cool.
Austin
That's our favorite restaurant.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Boobs Rinse
Meet me at the flower shop right on the corner.
Scott Aukerman
Oh my God. The lady that works there. Holy smokes. Totally hot. Really?
Boobs Rinse
I think I remember that person.
Scott Aukerman
Wait, you don't think that she's totally hot?
Seals
I'm sure she.
Boobs Rinse
I think she's attractive, but not at a.
Scott Aukerman
Two teenage boys.
Tony
Are you kidding? Are you kidding?
Scott Aukerman
They're two teenage boys. They're attracted to anything.
Yoda
Boobs.
Boobs Rinse
Okay, you're right.
Scott Aukerman
I mean me just saying your name. They're looking at each other and laughing.
Tony
Imagine rinsing some boobs.
Austin
Rinsing boobs.
Tony
Imagine it.
Austin
You. Every time this guy showers, he's rinsing boobs.
Boobs Rinse
Rinsing boobs.
Bill Walton
Wait, that's the turn on for you guys. Every time he showers. Showers.
Tony
He's.
Seals
I think they're saying he's.
Bill Walton
That's fine.
Scott Aukerman
A.
Bill Walton
That's fine. But you. You might be into men. I just want you to know that that's what you're excited about.
Bean Dip
I don't.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, you're getting aroused at the thought of him showering
Tony
boobs.
Bill Walton
What fascinates me about you two and why I want to work with you is you've got one sense of like positive gen alpha masculinity where you really connect with each other and you take time. But then you've got the other thing that any teenage boy has to have, which is a deep fear of even a word implying that you're in a relationship.
Austin
Why don't you chill out?
Tony
Why would we ever kiss each other? We're busy kissing pictures of the flower girl.
Scott Aukerman
Totally hot. You took Pictures of her? Yes.
Austin
Pictures across the street.
Tony
Yeah, whatever.
Austin
Whatever.
Tony
My phone comes with a zoom for a reason.
Austin
Also public space. It's legal. Legal.
Tony
It's legal. Dude, it's illegal.
Scott Aukerman
It's illegal. It's illegal. It's illegal.
Boobs Rinse
It is all legal.
Scott Aukerman
Right?
Austin
It's all a. This is your expertise.
Boobs Rinse
That's absolutely right. It's 100 legal. I take pictures of people. Hill or St. Avenue, all the time.
Austin
Really?
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Like you guys have a lot in common here. And you're so, so far, you're Austin and Tony's only customer.
Tony
Oh, I tell you.
Austin
Well, and we're.
Scott Aukerman
I put something in my card, I think, but I haven't, I haven't pressed the trigger.
Boobs Rinse
You didn't make the mistake of hitting submit like boobs?
Scott Aukerman
Wait, did you enter credit card info? I did.
Austin
Was it saved on your phone or. You knew it. Off the top of the dome.
Boobs Rinse
Off the top of my dome. I got a photographic memory just for my credit card.
Austin
If I could keep a credit card long enough, I'd remember those digits, buddy.
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Also you have an American Express. Black, it looks like so.
Boobs Rinse
Yeah, that's right. Yeah, American Express sent it to me. I didn't even want it.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Tony
So. Scott.
Scott Aukerman
What? What?
Bill Walton
Steven Seinfeld. Have one of those.
Scott Aukerman
Austin or Tony, Whichever one you are already. No, I'm Tiny, you're Tony.
Nana
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
What do you want to know, young child? Come closer.
Boobs Rinse
You're running out of energy.
Scott Aukerman
I'm a little tired, man. What's going on?
Austin
Hit the vape, bro.
Scott Aukerman
All right. Hit the vape. And, and hit me with your question right after the vape. Okay? Okay. Totally hot.
Tony
Rings, rings, rings.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Bill Walton
By the way. Not at all. For anyone listening. Absolutely.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. No, they're pretending it's just about six.
Austin
Saying it. Bro.
Seals
What's the flavor of that one? It smells like stew.
Tony
Yeah, it's stew.
Scott Aukerman
More like a guy named Stew. Stew.
Tony
Yeah, Stew.
Austin
Carrot ginger.
Tony
Stew Carrot ginger.
Scott Aukerman
All right, what do you want to know?
Tony
I, I want to know. Cuz you said you had your credit card there typed in. So I want to know what holds you back from pressing send.
Scott Aukerman
I didn't want the item.
Tony
Tough hill.
Scott Aukerman
Tough hill to. You told me to go to this website and, and poke around, which I did. But then I, I, I really don't care to actually pull the trigger on.
Tony
Because you're afraid. Cuz we've had people in the past be afraid that it wouldn't get here. And it will.
Scott Aukerman
You're sure it's. But it's going to take 11 months to get to. To boobs over here.
Tony
It'll. It'll take 11 months, but, man, you're probably going to want these socks. It could.
Scott Aukerman
What could.
Tony
Dude, they're mogging.
Scott Aukerman
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Bill Walton
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
How's it feel to be mog? Mog muggers, mog thyself. I'm tired, though.
Tony
Like, go easy. Like, what?
Seals
It's like, hit the vape. Hit the vape.
Boobs Rinse
That carrot ginger stew vape.
Scott Aukerman
I really think I embarrassed myself in front of those flower shop ladies.
Austin
Stop it. You did it. Stop it. No, she likes that.
Tony
Do you think?
Scott Aukerman
No.
Austin
Yes, she likes that.
Tony
She'd be flattered by the boner that just happened.
Austin
She would be. Send her the picture of it. Dude, like I said.
Scott Aukerman
No, that's not. That's not what you want to be doing.
Nana
I don't have her number.
Tony
Can I. I just airdrop it?
Austin
Oh, yeah.
Bill Walton
Why don't you get her flowers from her own shop? Wouldn't that be romantic?
Seals
Oh, that's so romantic. If you make her pick out some flowers for you, what are your best flowers? What do you go to check out? Say, these are for you.
Austin
Don't hand those over here. Keep them right where they are, buddy, because I got you those flowers.
Bean Dip
Dude, this.
Tony
You're the smoothest guy I've ever heard in my life.
Austin
Oh, really? I was kind of kickbacking on there.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, it was kind of Bill Holden's idea.
Bill Walton
You can have that one. You can have that one.
Austin
So smooth. I piggybacked your mind.
Tony
Austin, that was sick, what you just saw.
Scott Aukerman
Boom.
Tony
Don't even hand those over.
Bill Walton
What's it called when you blow smoke into someone else's mouth?
Scott Aukerman
Oh, it's called why can't I remember why?
Boobs Rinse
This powerhouse or something like that.
Bill Walton
Powerhouse Candy, Flip candy. No, no, I'm sorry. Chimney.
Austin
Chimney.
Seals
Quiet storm or whatever.
Austin
What you say?
Boobs Rinse
Desert Storm.
Seals
Nothing.
Scott Aukerman
Well, look, guys, I. I think that you have. I don't know that you have a future with this particular facet of your business, but it sounds to me like you're going to go do some creepy thing to the lady who runs the flower store. So at least we have that, right? A what? Nothing. Nothing. Just hit. Hit the vape again. Unfortunately, we are running out of time. Time, guys, on this 17th anniversary show, we only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs.
Nana
Wow.
Scott Aukerman
That was Round Bag Rock by John Kelly.
Bill Walton
What was the difference between that and Round Ball Rock?
Scott Aukerman
You don't know.
Bill Walton
Let's hear it again.
Scott Aukerman
I don't think so.
Seals
That just sounded like the song.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, exactly. I don't know what they added to it, but thank you so much to John Kelly. If you have a Plugs theme, head over to cbb world.com plugs. You can upload your songs there as well as find all of the stems you'll need for your remixes for the closing of the plug back theme. All right, guys, what are we plugging here? Seals, obviously you have a brand new partnership with bean dip.
Seals
That's right. But please do this in my back catalog of Seals and Crofts and also the champs. But I'd also like to say I might just turn up at a show called Variotopia with Paul F. Tompkins that's being recorded at the Lodge room. This is going to be a special.
Scott Aukerman
This is a special.
Seals
This will not be live streamed. This will be recorded. Recorded for later purchase.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my gosh.
Seals
And when do you think that would happen?
Scott Aukerman
Well, sometime in May, probably.
Seals
It will happen sometime this month in May. And you're about to find out when I drop this knowledge on you.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, man, I cannot wait for this
Seals
to do about it because it's May 17th.
Scott Aukerman
There you go. May 17th. Yeah.
Seals
And we may. They may even have some Crofts on the stage.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, boy. May.
Seals
If they can find some.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
May 17th.
Scott Aukerman
Fantastic. All right, so thanks.
Seals
Fantastic.
Scott Aukerman
And how do people access this and go to variotopia.com?
Seals
of course, my fine fellow.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, you. You all right, Dan. What's your name? Bill Walton.
Bill Walton
Bill Walton. Bill Walton. Well, I guess I would rather live on the moon.
Scott Aukerman
No, no, we're not playing. Would you rather. I'm so sorry.
Bill Walton
My mistake, my mistake. What were the doing here?
Scott Aukerman
We're doing plugs. We're plugging your projects.
Bill Walton
Okay, well, obviously there's Eat, Pray, Dunk on the Comedy Bang Bang World network where Mark Rennie and I go across Los Angeles trying to sell our entourage.
Scott Aukerman
You ever go to Hillhurst?
Bill Walton
We have gone to Hillhurst. Actually, we should go back and find out if my wife's cheating on me.
Boobs Rinse
I'm on it.
Bill Walton
On what? My wife.
Boobs Rinse
Hillhurst Avenue.
Bill Walton
I was gonna say you motherfucker.
Boobs Rinse
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
You should check out his wife while you're on Hillhurst Avenue.
Seals
First stop, you got to check out that really depressing bar, the drawing Room, sir.
Scott Aukerman
Why not?
Bill Walton
Bring cash.
Seals
Has a sign out front, proudly says, Open 6am that's bleak stuff.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah.
Bill Walton
Have a couple whiskeys at 6am in the drawing room. Then go flirt with the flower lady.
Seals
To be fair, you might be a nurse getting off a shift.
Scott Aukerman
Yep, that's a good point.
Seals
Baby Jane Doe.
Scott Aukerman
What are you. Oh, okay, you're banging your pots and pans.
Bill Walton
Yeah, yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Anything else you're plugging?
Bill Walton
I gotta go.
Scott Aukerman
All right, all right. Boobs rinse. What do you want to plug?
Boobs Rinse
Well, I want to plug Mustard seed cafe on Hillhurst Avenue. The Alcove Cafe is a great place if you want to sit outside.
Scott Aukerman
If you ever want to see boobs rinse, he's probably hanging out in one of these places.
Boobs Rinse
Could be the Starbucks resort.
Scott Aukerman
Learning lines.
Boobs Rinse
Starbucks reserve up by Los Feliz Boulevard has got great air conditioning. There's a code on the bathroom now, so you gotta. Gotta know that.
Scott Aukerman
Sorry, Bill.
Seals
Does that impact your day?
Boobs Rinse
If you want to see live streamed improv comedy, There's a new YouTube channel called World's greatest Improv that has Will Hines and some friends doing improv now and then. So if you want to see some friends, free live streamed improv. And boy, who doesn't. Who doesn't want to see three cameras pointed at a very small black box stage doing some pretty cool improv? That's world's greatest improv.
Scott Aukerman
YouTube. Fantastic. Austin and Tony, anything you want to plug?
Tony
It didn't go well.
Austin
What'd you say?
Tony
It just didn't go well with the girl. She sent back a laughing emoji.
Yoda
Whatever.
Scott Aukerman
Wait, what did you send to. I thought you were gonna actually buy flowers to. What? What'd you do?
Tony
Nothing. So we want to plug our friends podcast.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, great. Yeah, yeah. Whatever you want to do. The plugs are yours.
Austin
Anna and Isabella do improv. Just watch it or listen anywhere.
Scott Aukerman
Just watch it or listen anywhere. Okay.
Tony
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Good.
Austin
Yeah, yeah. And also, thank you so much.
Scott Aukerman
To whom are you speaking?
Austin
To you, sir.
Tony
To you, sir.
Scott Aukerman
Sure.
Tony
We realize we didn't come in here with utmost respect.
Austin
We did not come in with even a gift at all.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Austin
Which is what we. My mom said we should do.
Scott Aukerman
Not necessary. It is our 17th anniversary. But it's. Yeah, no problem.
Tony
We appreciate you.
Scott Aukerman
No, no problem.
Austin
And we appreciate everybody in here put.
Bean Dip
Put.
Austin
Putting such.
Scott Aukerman
Such.
Austin
Such wonderful fe.
Scott Aukerman
You can end it there. Thank you.
Boobs Rinse
No, that's so nice. Thank you very much.
Austin
I appreciate you.
Tony
We appreciate you.
Scott Aukerman
Appreciate you. Austin and Tony appreciate you.
Tony
We appreciate.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I want to plug. Look, hey, we're going out on tour with Comedy Bang Bang here in just a few weeks. In about 33 weeks here. Well, can you imagine such a Thing Tour.
Seals
That takes me back, man.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. To touring. Yeah. So you guys were touring just up to last year, right?
Seals
Yeah, that's right. That's part of our year's active.
Scott Aukerman
Right. So we're starting, I believe, in Toronto. We're going to so many places all across this country. Other countries. We up up there in Canada, actually. That's a great one.
Seals
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
You want to head over to cbbworld.comtour to get all the dates and to get tickets there. That'll be myself, a guy named Paul F. Tompkins at every episode. And then the Comedy Bang Bang All Stars. Maybe you guys will show up.
Bill Walton
Swish.
Scott Aukerman
Soon you'll get to hear Bill's famous catchphrase. Swish.
Seals
Swish. I bet I show up after Obi Ron Kenobi.
Scott Aukerman
We'll see about that. So head over to CBB World, and while you're over there at CBB World, check out everything we have going on over there. We have the complete Comedy Bang Bang Archive hall ad free. We have every single live episode we've ever done. We have shows like the Neighborhood. Listen, the aforementioned Walton on Walton. No. What's your show called?
Bill Walton
SK A Walton on Walton.
Scott Aukerman
We have definitely a show called Heinz Improv to meet you. So much stuff going on over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Close back, open back, close back, close, open back, close back, open back, close back, close, close, close, close back, open back, close back, close, open back, close back, open back, close back, close, close, close, close back, open back, close back, close back, close back, open back, close, open back, close back, open back, open back, close, close, close, open back, close, open back. Quite a fade out there.
Seals
It might not be over.
Scott Aukerman
It isn't, actually. That was Closed Bag, Open Bag by Benja Appel. Thank you so much to Benja Appel. And speaking of, thank you, I want to thank everyone here and everyone who showed up and actually left to really made the 17th anniversary something special. That includes you, Bill Walton, you boobs Rent. What? You, Austin and Tony, and honestly, even you, Seals.
Seals
Hey, you. But also, congratulations.
Scott Aukerman
Hey, thanks, man. Maybe someday I'll get to that number of years that you were active with Seals and Crofts. But before we go, I'd love to hear what you have planned for the eulogy that you're going to offer to Crofts here. I mean, you're going straight from here to the funeral, right?
Yoda
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Seals
A lot of people don't want me to speak.
Scott Aukerman
Why is that? You are the person who would know him maybe perhaps the Best.
Seals
It's true. But I do tend to freeze up when I have to talk.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, really?
Tony
Really?
Seals
He did all the stage banter.
Scott Aukerman
Did he really? Like, what were some of his b. Like, some good.
Seals
He'd say stuff like, how y' all doing out there tonight?
Scott Aukerman
And you couldn't even offer that.
Seals
I would be like, haba, haba, haba, hubba. He has to step in.
Scott Aukerman
So did. This would happen every show you would try to do it.
Seals
Every. Sean, beg him. You just go first. And he would say, no, you got to do this.
Scott Aukerman
And you never con.
Seals
Even back at the champs.
Boobs Rinse
Was it because you had a crush on somebody in the audience and it was making you nervous?
Seals
Everybody.
Yoda
Okay.
Seals
I loved my audience.
Scott Aukerman
You do?
Seals
Even when it got time for me to sing Tequila, I couldn't do it.
Scott Aukerman
So it sounds like you're not going to give this eulogy.
Seals
I'm going to try.
Scott Aukerman
You're going to try?
Seals
I'll practice a little bit here.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, let's hear.
Seals
Like, We gotta say goodbye to my man Cross. Nobody did it like him except me, but he did a little bit better in high heels or backwards. And if anybody out there knows our song, Summer Breeze, sing it with us right now.
Scott Aukerman
That's not a bad idea. I mean, I think maybe a lot of us know it. Austin. Tony, I bet. Have you ever heard Summer Breeze?
Austin
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Scott Aukerman
So let's sing it. Yeah, let's sing it.
Seals
Wait. Is your favorite?
Austin
It's our favorite.
Tony
It's our favorite.
Austin
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, let's maybe just. You guys should sing it then.
Austin
Some br. Some out. Braids, breathe me away Somehow Braids, breathe
Tony
me to hell
Scott Aukerman
Honestly, kind of an improvement on.
Seals
I mean, I liked it. I wouldn't go that far.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Seals
But I do like you incorporated the new singing style where everybody sounds like a Cajun baby.
Scott Aukerman
Speaking of Cajun babies, we'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye.
Yoda
And, Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.
Scott Aukerman
Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What?
Bean Dip
Is.
Scott Aukerman
Is this your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on
Boobs Rinse
car insurance with Liberty Mutual Together.
Yoda
We're married.
Boobs Rinse
Me to a human, him to a bird.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.
Boobs Rinse
Anyways, get a quote@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.
Scott Aukerman
Liberty.
Seals
Liberty.
Scott Aukerman
Liberty. Liberty.
Yoda
Breathe in. Feel the sense of calm that comes
Scott Aukerman
from having up to $300 in overdraft.
Yoda
Protection with Goto bank now.
Scott Aukerman
Did you say $300?
Yoda
Yes yes. Now back to our breathing. So if I overspend my balance go2 bank has my back up to $300. Yes. Can we breathe out now? Less worries, more zen with over $300 in overdraft protection tap to open an account today. Eligible direct deposits and opt in required for overdraft protection fees. Terms and conditions apply.
Seals
Sometimes life will get you stressed out.
Bill Walton
Lucky you can always count on Text now. Free Talk free text free 5G and
Seals
they'll never shut you off. Cuz like I said it's free. Text now's got your back nationwide no long term contracts but all they nervous about losing service.
Bill Walton
Text now's got your back.
Seals
That's their sense of purpose. No matter what comes next, you've got Free talk and text with the Text now app.
Bill Walton
Wireless plans require the purchase of a sim card. Visit textnow.com for terms and conditions.
Podcast: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast
Host: Scott Aukerman
Date: May 4, 2026
Guests/Characters: Lisa Gilroy, Shaun Diston, Paul F. Tompkins, Edi Patterson, Dan Lippert, Will Hines, Isabella Escalante, Anna Bezahler, and a parade of eccentric regulars and new faces (in character).
The "17th Anniversary Show" is a raucous, meta, and character-filled celebration of the Comedy Bang Bang podcast’s 17-year legacy. Scott Aukerman welcomes a barrage of returning favorites, wild new characters, improv games, and his trademark absurdist banter. The episode embodies everything fans love: surreal character work, heartfelt parodies of pop culture, passive-aggressive musical legends, generational contrasts, and deeply silly callbacks to the podcast's running gags.
"It's your motherfucking boof day... Picture me inside the misery and poverty no man alive has ever witnessed, struggles I survived..." — Nana performing her song (09:23)
"I will be replacing Taylor Frankie Paul as the next Bachelorette, Scott." (18:33) "I'm engaged, Scott. I talked to Neil Lane. I got the ring." (22:20)
“We can’t be Seals and Croft. It’s Seals and Crofts—double plural team.” (46:19)
“Every show we’d feature multiple seals and multiple Crofts behind us on stage.” (50:45)
“The roses have all wilted and died and now I have no idea where I'm gonna go tonight...” (64:04)
“You could be a man who turns into a centaur—but we only have the budget for horse legs, so maybe just back legs on wheels...” (100:15)
“I get 50% of all MASH residuals, because I came up with the asterisks.” (117:55)
“Please only order one. That’s just one, because…” “You just get one sock.”
On Podcast Anniversaries:
"Seventeen years ago, back in the early 21st century... most listeners probably were not even a glint in the sperm sack of their father's body." — Scott Aukerman (02:00)
Musical Tributes:
"Happy birthday to you, you, you... Birthday. Your little squirt day. You are a fan of Colin Firth day. Let's go and raise a roof day and tell the truth day..." — Nana’s “rap” (09:00–09:23)
Yoda, on The Bachelorette:
"I will be replacing Taylor Frankie Paul as the next Bachelorette, Scott... I'm engaged, Scott. I talked to Neil Lane. I got the ring." (18:33, 22:20)
Seals’ passive aggression:
“We can’t be Seals and Croft. It’s Seals and Crofts—double plural team.” (46:19)
"Why don't you just paired up with Christopher Cross and you went by Seals and Cross?"
"Now, I know you're a little guy, but I'd love to kick the shit out of you. Oh my God, if I had..." — Seals to Yoda (55:54)
Meta-references:
"Chickenitis you have." – Yoda (31:22)
"That's the soft part — passive aggressiveness." – Seals (51:39)
Austin & Tony, business geniuses:
“We want to be the first official duo college application.” (129:19)
Seals’ emotional Crofts eulogy:
“Nobody did it like him except me, but he did a little bit better... And if anybody out there knows our song, Summer Breeze, sing it with us.” (152:47–153:07)
The episode maintains the free-associative, quick-witted, and anarchic tone characteristic of Comedy Bang Bang. "Seals" is gently combative; Yoda is alternately sage-like and vulgar; the teens channel naive bravado and accidental horniness; Scott never stops riffing or meta-commenting. Every guest leans hard into their persona, creating a layered, densely referential comic tapestry.
This 17th Anniversary episode is a pure distillation of Comedy Bang Bang’s appeal: a cavalcade of surrealist characters, pop-cultural pastiche, meta-jokes, messy improv, and satirical heartbreak. From chicken-itis-ravaged family ties to Yoda tweaking nipples with the Force, to generational mogging and a funeral for Crofts, it’s an unmissable, marathon celebration and a perfect showcase for new and veteran listeners alike.