The Bat Emoji and The Eggplant Emoji (Paul F. Tompkins, Kylie Brakeman, Brett Morris, Nicole Parker Redford)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "The Bat Emoji and The Eggplant Emoji"

Podcast: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Paul F. Tompkins (Berndt), Nicole Parker Redford (Joan Pedestrian), Brett Morris (Doug Korn Pedestrian), Kylie Brakeman (Ellen Dracula)
Episode Date: October 6, 2025

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Overview

This episode features a signature blend of high-energy improv, character work, and absurdist comedy that Comedy Bang Bang is famous for. Scott Aukerman welcomes back the cast of "The Neighborhood Listen" podcast, celebrating its ninth season, and is later visited by a very unconventional guest: Ellen Dracula, Dracula’s mother. Expect discussions about community oddballs, Halloween traditions, and a deep-dive into being the parent of an underachieving vampire son, with detours into sandwich preferences, Sizzler franchise lore, and experimental vampire enthrallment.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Neighborhood Listen Season Nine (01:30–15:17)

• Introduction of Joan Pedestrian, Doug Korn Pedestrian, and Berndt: Reprising their roles as quirky community podcasters from the fictional town of Dignity Falls.
• Premise Recap:
  • They scour the social networking app “Neighborhap” for odd local news/posts and guests. (13:11)
  • The guests range from eccentric citizens obsessed with chocolate bars to people platforming their cats for Instagram fame.
• Town Lore:
  • Dignity Falls is deeply weird: features include trained coyote performances, a dry lake, and a state-of-the-art pharmacy boasting “60 microscopes and one macroscope.” (11:04)
• Evolution of Their Podcast:
  • Joan and Doug reflect on their marriage and weird neighbors.
  • “Rarely do we help them… They're beyond help.” — Joan (15:17)

2. Personal Antics and Side Tangents (04:00–13:00, 17:20–30:38)

• Chat about Movie Star Mustaches & Al Pacino: Long riff on “who had mustaches—Al Pacino, Tom Selleck, etc.” (05:50)
• Sketch Comedy Hot Takes: Berndt doesn’t care for sketch, “the stories are too short” (29:32), sparking a sub-discussion on comedy formats.
• Local Actress vs Amateur Actress: Joan prefers being called a local actress rather than an amateur to “avoid sounding sad.” (06:41)

3. Running Gags and Improvised World-Building

• Sizzler at Home: Doug has built an in-home Sizzler restaurant—complete with “160 rooms, refrigerated plates, and an honor-system to-go window.” (25:24–26:39)
• Eccentric House Expansion: Their house now has a Hall of Hapsburg Jaws and an underground Venetian canal system—designed “from memory.” (26:32–27:31)
• Pharmacy Product Parade: Halloween in Dignity Falls has been usurped by this “parade where pharmacists ride on floats and throw pills to kids,” climaxing with the burning of a giant straw pharmacist (37:40–39:06).

4. Gothic Twist: Ellen Dracula, Mother of Dracula (43:46–101:18)

• Introduction of Ellen Dracula (44:06):
  • Purports to be the mother of Dracula—“The Dracula, not just any Dracula.”
  • She’s seeking a romantic partner for her son, Jack Dracula (age 40, currently brooding and single).
  • Family lore is explored: Ellen became a Dracula through marriage, not birth—“By law, we got married in a courthouse and I became a Dracula as well.” (45:23)
• Jack Dracula’s Struggles:
  • He’s stuck in a rut, doesn’t date, mostly turns into multiple bats with different personalities (Jeremy Bat the prankster, Edward Bat the “bad boy,” Jiminy Bat the singer)—“He could zap into different bat personas.” (56:58–57:20)
  • Attempts to set Jack up for love repeatedly fail, in both human and bat form.
• Vampire Mechanics 101:
  • Details on day-to-day existence: Eric Dracula (husband) is a night-time mechanic (“can’t work during the day; would get burnt up by the sun”). (50:55)
  • Vampire lineage: “Not all vampires are Draculas, but every Dracula is a vampire.” (48:05)
  • Dracula trivia: Medallions, capes, and sometimes canes; “broken ankles can happen to Draculas too.” (70:02)
  • Effectiveness of crosses and stakes, surprisingly not much different than regular mortals. (71:03)
• Enthrallment Live Demo:
  • Joan agrees to be “enthralled” as part of a demonstration on what dating Jack would be like as a human.
    • Quote: “Please enthrall me. Please enthrall me. Please enthrall me.” (93:01)
    • The side effect: Joan’s skin “glows” and she receives unsolicited bat and eggplant emojis from Jack Dracula (95:59).
    • Joan: “What happened? What? Oh my God—my skin, my skin looks amazing.” (94:55)
    • Ultimately, Jack’s a “dog” (in slang terms)—sending bat penis pics and ghosting potential lovers.

5. Meta and Absurdist Notes

• Self-referential plugs and discussion of how their own bonus podcast episodes are put together (including jokes about how little work is involved in “watching movies together”). (24:45)
• Multiple riffs on crossovers, e.g., “Is this a movie podcast?” (47:29)
• Joan’s “messy bottom chicken sandwich” recipe (83:43).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On sketch comedy:
  “I don't like sketch, because it's too—the stories are too short. A joke, great... A sketch seems like they get me interested, invested, and it's over.” —Berndt (29:32)
• On being a pharmacist:
  “Pharmacists are artisans... Do you see a chunk of raw material and you just see a pill inside it?” —Scott (12:10)
• On local flavor:
  “We invite them on to platform whatever it is they want to talk about... and rarely do we help them.” —Joan (15:17)
• On Dignity Falls pharmacy:
  “We have pharmacists just looking at things through microscopes all day long. You also have a macroscope, which is very—everyone’s afraid to touch.” —Berndt (11:04–11:13)
• On Dracula’s lineage:
  “Not all vampires are Draculas, but every Dracula is a vampire.” —Ellen Dracula (48:05)
• On enthrallment:
  “Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I'm clenching my vagina!” —Ellen Dracula (55:50)
• Bat love complications:
  “He can't translate it to a human woman... Just not sticking for some reason.” —Ellen Dracula (59:45)
• On ‘The Only Murders in the Building’ de-aging tech:
  “You look like you’ve deaged, like Martin Short and Steve Martin in this Only Murders in the Building season.” —Scott (97:41)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:30] – Welcome to Joan, Doug, and Berndt; premise of "The Neighborhood Listen"
• [10:59] – Dignity Falls described: 60 microscopes, one macroscope, town lore
• [17:00] – Past guests: Sybil’s Bibbles (the locker guy), the Hershey bar addict, the Instagram cat lady
• [25:24] – In-home Sizzler and house expansion stories
• [37:40] – Pharmacy Product Parade replaces Halloween
• [43:46] – Ellen Dracula, the mother of Dracula, joins
• [45:00–56:00] – Vampire lineage, parenthood, Jack Dracula’s 40 years as a human before turning
• [56:58] – Jack’s multiple bat personalities (Jeremy, Edward, Jiminy Bat)
• [70:00] – Dracula’s medallions, canes, diet, and supernatural vulnerabilities
• [93:01] – Joan’s enthrallment demonstration
• [95:59] – Joan receives the bat emoji and eggplant emoji
• [103:08] – Plugs: Season 9 of "The Neighborhood Listen", San Francisco Sketch Fest appearance

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Tone & Style

True to the Comedy Bang Bang spirit, the episode is a freewheeling, character-driven romp of surreal and meta-humor. Each guest leans into the show’s anything-can-happen energy, jumping between running gags, longform character arcs, and ridiculous Dignity Falls town-building, all while maintaining quick comedic instincts and the friendly banter that keeps die-hards loyal.

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode is a stellar example of Comedy Bang Bang’s blend of improvised character work and meta-podcast parody. Expect a relentless volley of callbacks, absurd town lore, and satirical takes on podcast culture. In a stand-out segment, the “mother of Dracula” tries (and fails) to set up her sad-sack vampire son, subjecting Joan to a live enthrallment and some truly regrettable texts. Underneath the chaos, it’s a loving lampoon of community podcasts, horror tropes, and the lonely hearts of supernatural lore.

If you enjoy meta-comedy, character improv, and escalating bits, this episode is well worth your attention!

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Joan Pedestrian]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Clowns to the left of me Joker's to the right Batman fits in his suit cuz his booty so tight. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to go home Sam for that catchphrase submission submitted on January 31, 2023. Just getting around to it. Thank you so much. Go home Sam. Hope you're still alive and could hear that. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Aukerman and I am the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Coming up a little later. This is an exciting show. We have a mother will be on the show.

[Berndt]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And before we get to them, we've talked about it. The tier of guests. Movie stars up at the top, then TV stars, then authors, then stand up comedians with a special and then podcasters. And today we have some podcasters with us. This is exciting. And not only that, but they're citizens of the United States.

[Berndt]

That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

They also are community. I want to say activists, but that's not exactly what you say that I.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wouldn'T give that us that title. There's a lot of things I'd call us participants. Activists.

[Berndt]

We are participants. That's great, Doug.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, community participants. They participate in their community and today they're participating in this one. Comedy Bang Bang. They have a podcast of notes. So season nine of which comes out this week and it is entitled the Neighborhood. Listen, please welcome back to the show. Burnt me a payday. Joan Pedestrian and Doug Pedestrian. Corn.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Welcome to the corn babe. I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doug, what is It Doug Pedestrian.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I would hate to issue a correction right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's okay. I think it's best just get it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be like the fan.

[Berndt]

I think you have to do just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Correct me on whatever I have wrong immediately.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It's usually Corn Pedestrian.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, I mean not even usually. It's always.

[Berndt]

Don't say you name. Doug.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's only Doug Corn Pedestrian. He took my last name.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Conventionally it's Corn Pedestrian.

[Scott Aukerman]

And your, and your last name is, Was Corn.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Corn. Yeah, that's my maiden name.

[Scott Aukerman]

The K is backwards or the R is right?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

The K is backwards in my case.

[Berndt]

Yes. Yeah, that's right. It's different from the band.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't want to get sued, which is neat. Sure.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

The band didn't exist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't that be terrible to be sued for your own name?

[Berndt]

I don't want to get sued for that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Me neither.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome back to the show, guys. So wel. So welcome to see so.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And we feel so welcome. And, and I will say I, I am a mother as well. So you're going to have two mothers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two mothers on the show. This is unprecedented.

[Berndt]

Never happened before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you, are you a father? Burnt.

[Berndt]

No, I am not. Not that I, I, I hate to say this, but not that I know of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it, was there any occasion where that could have happened where you blasted up in someone without any protection?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wow. Oh my goodness.

[Berndt]

Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but of course that's happened dozens of times and, and you know, I've certainly, you know, funded my share of abortion.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He is deep red right now. What is your deep shade of red? And he's sweating. I don't, we don't talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does everyone have an average number or.

[Berndt]

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying I'm done. You're all done as far as I know. I'm done.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Done. Blasting up.

[Berndt]

I'm done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, well, I don't know. You know, Alino and Robert De Niro.

[Berndt]

They, they're in there, they had a baby together.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You can't understand him at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were looking for Steve Gutenberg to be a three baby situation, but it didn't work out.

[Berndt]

That would be interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't it be interesting?

[Joan Pedestrian]

What if it had been those two? And who else? Howie Mandel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Famous germaphobe, one comedian.

[Berndt]

Do you feel that Howie is more adjacent to Robert de Hero, Al Pacino.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Than I was trying to think of? See, there were two in my mind. There was Ted Danson and There were Tom. There were. There were Tom Selleck and there were a. Ted Danson and Tam Sellic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tam Sell.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Tom Selleck and Todd Donson and Ted Donson.

[Ellen Dracula]

And they were.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They were sort of the. You know, they were sort of hotties. And I love Steve Gutenberg, but he was definitely kind of like the goofy guy. I was trying to think of who the third goofy guy would be.

[Berndt]

You had the three types with those guys.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You had the three types.

[Berndt]

Steve Gutenberg. Goofy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Goofy.

[Berndt]

Ted Danson.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Hot TV star.

[Berndt]

Hot TV star. Tom Selleck.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Other hot TV star.

[Berndt]

Yes, the three.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Mustache With a mustache. With a mustache. That was a genre of its own.

[Berndt]

Yes, that's very true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Al mc. Does Alucino have a mustache? We don't know at this point.

[Berndt]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does anyone have eyes on Al Pacino?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Not his. Not his facial hair.

[Berndt]

Has he ever done anything where he's had just a mustache? Maybe cruising. Did he have a mustache?

[Scott Aukerman]

And I don't believe he had a mustache.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do you know, this is a little embarrassing to admit, but whatever. It's a podcast. This is where you share those things. Yeah.

[Berndt]

This is where you embarrass yourself.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This is where you embarrass yourself. I had a crush on. This was pre Doug Edie. Well, we went on a break. Actually, I'm gonna say it was right around this time. No, this is. No, we talked about quickly. In high school. We had a quick break.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Quick break.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And when I was in high school, there was another boy that I had that I kind of had a little bit of crush on, but didn't really pay attention to it until we were on a break and I found out that his favorite mov. Yeah, well, he was. And also, just so you know, I'm not a movie actress, I'm not a TV actor, but a local actress. Scott, I just want to let you know, we decided.

[Scott Aukerman]

Local to your own town.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dignity falls.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Correct. Amateur actress sounded too sad. And it sounded like a judgment.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So we decided local actress is fine. But this boy was an actor, and he was so good. He did our play. He did Flowers for Algernon.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did he play? He played Charlie.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He's so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

You gotta be smart and dumb.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, you do. And he was very tall and handsome, and he looked like Robert Shawn. Letter From Dad. Poets aside, do you remember him? Smith wouldn't let him do Midsummer Night's Dream. Oh, what an asshole.

[Berndt]

But he did it anyway.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He did it anyway.

[Scott Aukerman]

Daniel Day Lewis's son in the Age of Innocence.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right. That's right. Well, anyways, we hung out once, and he mentioned his favorite movie was at the time was sent of a Woman. And he said that he had the whole monologue at the end. Memorized the hua and everything. Yes. And I went home and I memorized it so that I could perform it for him the next time we hung out. I wanted to impress him. Isn't that so nerdy? I'm so embarrassed.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's the one who memorized it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. And I thought, well, I got to do it, too. I want to show him up.

[Berndt]

If he's memorized it, then I memorize it and do it for him and show that I memorized it. He's got to fall in love with me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right. And it's funny because I was just thinking about that whole experience out of nowhere the other day, and I decided to pull up the monologue. It is ridiculous. You guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know any of it right now, or.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I just remember the part where it goes, bad man, bad man. What the hell is that? He says that because Baird is the name of the. Of the place, right? And it's Philip Seymour Hoffman and that ridiculous rich boy haircut. Right? And he's just sitting there looking sad. And then, of course, there's the, you know, I take a flight throat of this place. There's that. There's that one, there's that one, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a different one.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And then he says something like, well, that I had to. I'm saying the ones I remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this the one where he goes, she's got a great ass.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's not the monologue it might have been.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's an ease. Oh, okay. Although he could have said it in every movie.

[Berndt]

He had the option. Yeah, I don't know if he ever availed himself of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think he had a little box that he could have checked? Do you want to say she's got a great ass in this movie? Yes or no?

[Berndt]

Before the. Before every show shoot, he huddles with, the director, says, now look, this is yours if you want it. Would you like me to say she's got a great ass?

[Scott Aukerman]

And it. I believe Heat is the only one that he checked that box.

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And it's hard to focus on. What's weirder is just, you know, his. His acting of being blind or his acting of, you know, of just being this. I think he was an old general or something. He was like a retired army man.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He says, I would fight you, but I'm too fucking old. I'm Too fucking blind. And then he talks about Chris o'. Donnelly. He says, charlie's soul is intact. That's a good one. When he says intact, he really puts the emphasis on it. That stuck with me, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, clearly it did.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I'm amazed how much happened during our quick break. I'm always amazed.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Now, it was only a week. To be clear, we were only broken up for a week, but I tried. I tried my best to sort of enjoy that freedom.

[Berndt]

Oh, sure. You developed a crush on this boy instantly that you'd taken no notice.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, I have to be honest. I had said I had a little crush on him that I'd ignored. I put to the side because I really was in love with dogs.

[Berndt]

I guess I'm not familiar with that concept of having a crush that you ignore.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, really?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Because you were busy blasting up everybody.

[Berndt]

Now, hold on a second, Joan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now we should. We should tell everyone the premise of this podcast, in case anyone hasn't heard to mention it, exactly who you are.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Indeed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, you are a married couple, Joan and Doug.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We are married, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And guilty seems to be sent. High school sweethearts or junior high.

[Ellen Dracula]

Indeed.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, high school sweethearts. That's right.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Bernd, where do you fit in to all of this?

[Berndt]

Well, we're friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

The three of you or just Jonah?

[Berndt]

Well, you know what? It used to be just the two of us, but. But Doug and I are now explicitly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Okay, so we don't dwell on that. In the process of doing the eight seasons plus of this podcast, your relationship is deepened.

[Berndt]

Yes, Yes. I don't think that's fair to say.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Berndt is a. Was a pharmacist at cvs. And now you are the pharmacist.

[Berndt]

The pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls, Mississippi.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations.

[Berndt]

It's a beautiful, state of the art.

[Scott Aukerman]

State of the year. What does that mean when you say state of the art? Like more microscopes or.

[Berndt]

Well, we do have. I mean, you joke, but we do have way more microscopes than the.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many? Like the average pharmacy. How many did they have?

[Berndt]

Maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many do you have? Okay, they have maybe two. How many do you have?

[Berndt]

60. There's a hall of microscopes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now. Are these microscopes that have been retired over the years?

[Berndt]

No, no, they're in use.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're. Okay, so this is.

[Berndt]

We have pharmacists just looking at things through microscopes all day long.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

You also have a macroscope.

[Berndt]

We do have a macroscope, which is very. Everyone's afraid to touch.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's taking a look at big things and making them.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Making them.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Look, in the commercial for the pharmacy, there's those shots of like, you know, just like 60 people. They're just run the camera down. They're all working the microscope so it looks very. It looks very active.

[Berndt]

Everyone's turning knobs.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's also a large fountain in the middle of the. Of the falls. Must see right outside, there's a cliff diver.

[Berndt]

It's a beautiful three story fountain. Well, it's inside.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, it's inside, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

An indoor fountain.

[Berndt]

It's. It's. It's huge. And, you know, we had. For a while, we had a window where you could see like a sort of mechanized, you know, pill bottles being filled.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure.

[Berndt]

Go down an assembly line. And then it took so long because they could only make one pill at a time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. See, this is the thing about mechanization. You know, sometimes the human hand is way better for this kind of work.

[Berndt]

Boy, Scott, that's true. And thank you for saying that, because there's in many ways, pharmacists are artisans.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've always. I've always felt that way.

[Berndt]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Always.

[Berndt]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was, I believe, my first thought.

[Berndt]

Really? The first thought you can remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

The first one that I can remember having is. Boy, pharmacists are artisans, are they not?

[Berndt]

That's strange.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think that's strange? You're in the profession, and you think that's strange?

[Berndt]

Well, for a child to have that thought. Yeah. Yes.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Do you see a chunk of raw material and you just see a pill inside of it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, right. Like a marble statue.

[Scott Aukerman]

You cut away anything that is not the pill.

[Berndt]

Anything that's not the pill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Now that's poetic.

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So Dignity Falls is where you live, and it's a. It's a. A town.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the United States of America.

[Berndt]

It's our neighborhood.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Westish east is middle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. And. And you are. The two of you are friends now. The three of you are friends and you do this show where you bring on people who live in the town. Is that safe to say?

[Berndt]

Yes. We like to shine a light on our neighborhood of Dignity Falls. And we invite citizens, residents of. Of the. Of the neighborhood to come on and talk about whatever they want to talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyone who's just passing through or.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, we use this app we have called the neighborhap. You know, if you go on there, if it's in your zip code, you'll see things like, oh, was that a coyote last night? Or where's My mail. Are those gunshots? But everyone's.

[Scott Aukerman]

All three of those. What if all three of those were.

[Joan Pedestrian]

To happen every day, all the time? Yes, I know. I'm always thinking it. Every hour.

[Berndt]

I'm always thinking of it. People. Well, why is there a helicopter?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is the coyote shooting?

[Scott Aukerman]

This coyote has a gun and has stolen my mail.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I haven't done my tongue twisters today. Normally I only do my tongue twister.

[Berndt]

Are you familiar with the coyote shouting?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't believe I am.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's specific to dignity faults.

[Berndt]

It is specific. It's where there are trained coyotes. A troop of trained coyotes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's training these.

[Joan Pedestrian]

These things?

[Berndt]

The coyote trainer.

[Scott Aukerman]

The. Oh, I see. So that.

[Berndt]

Are all the questions this simple?

[Scott Aukerman]

A trainer who's a coyote.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

We elect him every year.

[Berndt]

It's an electric position.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There is. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Berndt]

And so they perform on a boat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Berndt]

That's the coyote shot.

[Scott Aukerman]

The coyote shoat.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah, it's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible. And that's.

[Berndt]

Thank you, Doug.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every day, six shows a day or.

[Berndt]

Every day, six shows a day. Sundays, just the afternoon.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, it's awful. They haven't unionized yet and it's just killing them. They're also injured.

[Berndt]

They're dumb animals. Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

We should also say that all the water has been drained out of the town.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So we don't have any water.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It's in the middle of the lake, but. Which is now a.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's a river casino. That I don't even think is what.

[Scott Aukerman]

Happened to the water.

[Berndt]

No one really knows.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one knows.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't think anyone.

[Berndt]

It just kind of evaporated. There was maybe someone less.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

We've had a series of bad mayors.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy. That's true. Someone took a dry vac to it maybe.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Or a dry vacuum theory.

[Berndt]

That's one theory. A wet vac probably would do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet vac. Yeah. Maybe better.

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Some kind of back.

[Scott Aukerman]

You probably sort a short out a dry vac maybe.

[Berndt]

Yeah. Don't use your home vacuum to suck up a lake.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But anyhow, what we do is we scour the neighborhap where people send us in posts from people, real people. We involve those people. We invite them on to platform. What it is they want to talk about. Sometimes they want to sell things. Sometimes they have a mystery to solve. And yes, we invite them on. We get to know with our neighbors and we also get to hopefully help them. And rarely do we help them.

[Berndt]

No, because they're beyond help.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They don't want to help themselves.

[Ellen Dracula]

They.

[Berndt]

No, they don't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They're mostly crazy. They're unwell.

[Berndt]

Well, okay. Now.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. I'm sorry. Okay.

[Berndt]

I feel like this is the kind of thing I would say, and you would say that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know I don't say it on my part, but I'm on a different podcast.

[Ellen Dracula]

Exactly.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This is where you share, and people.

[Berndt]

Are damaged in the brain, and they. And they.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Berndt]

You know, they talk about things that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are perhaps or perhaps.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Who knows?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like the whole town was on a football team maybe, and all ran into each other.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

So what cool town?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a scrimmage during, like a. Yeah. Or Shirts and Skins game or something like that. Man, if you're a woman, you want to be on that shirt.

[Berndt]

Our football team used to be called the Skins. Really? Because they were the only team in the league that would play with no shirts on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Berndt]

Yeah. They'd have all the pads and everything, but no shirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just no shirts.

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Andy. It's a very unique town. The individuals inside of the town are. Are oddballs. A collection of oddballs who are some of the biggest guests that you've gotten.

[Berndt]

We had a guy named Sybil on there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, I heard this one. Sybil's Bibbles, I believe, was the best.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Bibbles. Met lockers. This person rented out lockers.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Which seemed very strange. And was trying to offload a bunch of keys, which ended up being only five. Really? I think that he was. He was trying to get rid of a strange guy. A strange guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Certainly interesting family life. You know, they. They ate steak for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

That sounds good.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Actually, he said he was very different temperature. He said he was backed up all the time.

[Berndt]

That sounds good to you?

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds good to me. I would imagine medium rare in the medium. In the afternoon. Oh, the real well done at night.

[Berndt]

The riddle of the Sphinx.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We had someone who was addicted to Nestle's. Sorry. Hershey's cookies and cream bars.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And was hiding them all over town. And. And why?

[Scott Aukerman]

To what end?

[Berndt]

So he could be in. In a certain distance of a Hershey's cookies and cream bar at all, Wherever he was. Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And so that he would burn the calories in order to eat the next one, then he'd eat it, then he'd walk further.

[Scott Aukerman]

And were they equidistant from each other?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah, I asked the same question.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Doug. Yeah. You and I are so similar.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

So if you picture, like, a spoke almost, you know, like.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

With. With his home at the center of the wheel. Correct.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Or his location. Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We also had an interesting gal who really just wanted to platform her cat and get her cat on Instagram and get her more famous.

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm not sure we helped with that at all.

[Berndt]

I don't think that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I haven't heard of this cat, so I don't think.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I guess it didn't work out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, was it Garfield?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It was not Garfield.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. That's the only famous. Oh, Heathcliff. Those are the two cats I know of. The Rum Tum Tugger.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What was his deal? Oh, the Rum Tum Tugger. Now you're talking my language. As a local actor. English.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The Heathcliff. His deal was he liked to eat fish bones and toss garbage.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I mean, he looked very much like Garfield. Am I correct? Remembering this.

[Berndt]

Hold on, everybody. Okay, let's not go off the rails here. Heathcliff didn't really look like Garfield. I think they were both orange, and that's about it. And Heathcliff was a very deep brick orange. And Garfield, I think, is a more creamsicle kind of orange.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But if you're gonna.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the one difference.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Orange cartoon cats. That seems a little strange. Why wouldn't you pick something else that's on Garfield?

[Berndt]

Because Heathcliff was first.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, he was.

[Berndt]

And Heathcliff did not eat fish skeletons then. He would create fish skeletons by eating the fish.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah, wouldn't he?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Actually, you're really getting him there.

[Scott Aukerman]

He would create it like Jesus created the loaves and fishes, as far as I know.

[Berndt]

And Heathcliff's deal was he was just a cool guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was very cool.

[Berndt]

He walked on two legs, not on four.

[Scott Aukerman]

To walk on four legs breaks the wall.

[Berndt]

That would be in the evening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Berndt]

And he. No, that'd be in the morning. And. And, yeah, he just kind of did whatever he wanted. And everyone was sort of in awe of him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he was. He's sort of the neighborhood rapscallion who.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Berndt]

Who was feared and respected.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Did he? He had an uncle, too, maybe, who had a top hat with the top kind of the. I'm, like, coming off of his top.

[Berndt]

I'm seeing a derby for some reason.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Berndt]

Yeah. I could be wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wait.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You might just want to see a derby, because I know you prefer. I know you love a derby.

[Berndt]

Do I?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do you are. You are partial to that kind of.

[Berndt]

The roundness is pleasing.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I think top hats should always have a lid on top.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because it's like, what else are we doing? We got to keep stuff in there. Right.

[Berndt]

What else are we doing?

[Joan Pedestrian]

What else are we doing?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Also take it off your head. And look inside. Otherwise, why not just pop the top off?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Berndt]

And then how do you look at it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Pop top on top hat.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

What was the question?

[Berndt]

And then how do you look in it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

You're going to take it off because.

[Berndt]

You would have to take the. The top hat off and look inside it to see what you wanted.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Right.

[Berndt]

But if you have the lid on top, then.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Right.

[Berndt]

You can reach. Go from there.

[Joan Pedestrian]

See, this is what I love about the dynamic of our podcast, because Burnt and I will talk a little bit and then Doug will be silent and then all of a sudden he'll have a thought that is just so out of left field. Somet we have no choice but to stop everything and we have to ask about it because he records in a different room. He's our engineer as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. So that's your purpose on the show, Doug, is you're the engineer and then.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You started talking real fan favorite. Sorry, we don't have fans. We have. We have listeners. We've become a real listener.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

We have not confirmed a fan yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't want to presume no one is a fanatic regarding your podcast.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No one has declared that.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It's also mean to call people fanatics.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're just human beings who happen to listen to a show and enjoy it very much.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

A reasonable thing to do.

[Berndt]

Unless they're a fuzzy green creature from the Galapagos.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is from Philadelphia as well. Or like by way.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, sure, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, what is happening on season nine? This is a brand new season.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what is going on here?

[Berndt]

The same thing we always do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

13 times.

[Scott Aukerman]

No additions. No one new to the catheter. No one had a baby.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Biggest changes are. Well, I mean, I'm not sure. The last time we were on here, I don't know. Had you been dating your girlfriend yet? Certainly has Moved in.

[Berndt]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sly dog. I haven't heard about this.

[Berndt]

Yeah, I have a girlfriend.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I knew it. I knew we hadn't heard.

[Berndt]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's this girlfriend?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Her name's Gabby. She's a smoke jumper.

[Berndt]

That's. That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this isn't Gabby from Gabby's Playhouse or Dollhouse.

[Berndt]

No, I don't know what that is. I've only just learned of the existence of this thing and I know that certain. There's a certain demographic that's very excited for it and I've never heard of it before.

[Scott Aukerman]

A certain demographic of three year olds, which I have one age.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, three to five. My twins, who are in their 20s, regressed over the last year. And they really. Actually, we had to. We had to. They had a really rough time because they were trying to sell a reality show about pranking your parents. And then they tried to write a pilot for me called Mr. Doubtfire, but they turned the whole concept on its head and they wanted to shoot it all in one shot in our house.

[Berndt]

And it was just a disgusting adolescent style.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yes, but with a lot of nudity. It had a lot of full front.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They would blur out my face, but not my boobs. It was very weird. And they would start talking like 5 year olds and acting like 5 year olds.

[Berndt]

They regressed.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, I'm talking about their twin boys. Their names are Matt and Il Contadino. And Il Contadino.

[Scott Aukerman]

Y. And so they've regressed mentally back to physical. They've regressed. They're watching Gabby.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So they're watching Gabby. So that's the only reason why either.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dollhouse or Playhouse, we don't know which.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, but it is not that Gabby. Go ahead, tell them about Gabby.

[Berndt]

It is not that Gabby. She does not live in a Dollhouse. She lives with me. Oh, you are moved in together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations. That's a big step.

[Berndt]

It's going wonderfully.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what is her story, if you don't mind me asking?

[Berndt]

She comes from a family of smokejumpers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Berndt]

And these are people who parachute into a raging forest fire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Berndt]

In an effort to extinguish it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Much like Howie Long movie from circa late 90s. I'll take your words. Early 2000s.

[Berndt]

Sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, it's funny you mentioned it, because we always have to say this is not a movie podcast on our show because we devolve into talking about movies a lot.

[Berndt]

It's true. But this is a movie podcast, correct?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it is not. Although I would love to have you on Scott. Who hasn't seen my sister podcast?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

We will.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We did that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Tomatoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It shocked everyone. I was the only one who had seen it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meaning? I want to have you on again.

[Berndt]

Is what I'm saying.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Firestorm.

[Berndt]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Howie Long's 1998 film.

[Berndt]

And this is Terry Hatcher's husband.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still. Really?

[Joan Pedestrian]

They can't be still.

[Berndt]

Do you remember they did those commercials for batteries or something?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Right Now I see what you're talking about.

[Berndt]

Because it was such an unlikely pairing, people assumed they were married because why else would you have these two specific people together?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm looking for personal life. On Howie Long's Wikipedia page.

[Berndt]

Same.

[Scott Aukerman]

He met his future wife, Diane Adonisio.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Like my boy's name.

[Scott Aukerman]

During his freshman year at Vianova. They married in 1982.

[Berndt]

I think it's Villanova.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they have three sons.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, good for them.

[Berndt]

Fantastic. Now look up Terry Hatcher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Personalized. Terry Hatcher had an affair with Howie Long.

[Berndt]

Oh, my word.

[Scott Aukerman]

During these commercials.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It was the battery commercials that did it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Berndt]

There's something about batteries.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There was so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Batteries are energy.

[Berndt]

The charges are about charging, and so there's charge in the air automatically.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So anything else happening on season nine of the Neighborhood Listen, which comes out this week? Of course, people can hear this ad free on CBB World, as well as wherever you get your podcasts. Anything else happening for this?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

This. Should we ask them what CBB World means?

[Joan Pedestrian]

We constantly wonder. Yes, we talk about it a lot.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

We have these bonus room episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We do one a month. It seems.

[Berndt]

One a month.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It seems like that seems that way.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It does seem like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is you guys watching a movie together.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We've done that sometimes. Sometimes we've been accused that. That didn't seem like it was a lot of work, so we. We do other things as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Movies are two hours long.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We watched Ice Castles, which was wild, by the way. If you haven't seen that one. Oh, that would be a good one. Maybe we should come back and make sure. Watch that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's bizarre. This poor woman, she's just. No one takes care of.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is about young girl skater who dies or something.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is about a skater.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although one can presume she's dead by now.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

That's close.

[Berndt]

The character.

[Scott Aukerman]

The character. Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We also answer questions from our. Our listeners.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah, we. We've gone on double dates with Gabby and.

[Berndt]

Which we've recorded for some reason in our.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

In our. In home Sizzler, which I. I created.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you have an in Home Sizzler. Doug, tell us about that one employee. And who's the employee?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It's beautiful. It's a beautifully recreated Sizzler. It's authentic to the experience, but I built it from memory, so some of it might not be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I should clarify that. His main memory was shiny red bricks, and that's basically refrigerated plates. Oh, Scott's got you there. That's a good detail. That's true. I didn't think about that.

[Berndt]

You have an accent suddenly.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What? No.

[Berndt]

Scott's got you there.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

We do dining in the dark. Dark experiences at Sizzler.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, right.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

That's fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's where you try to guess what you're eating based on the texture.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Well, you try to go to the salad bar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

In the dark.

[Berndt]

And this is based on the brief trend from ten years ago.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Sizzler. That was a long time ago.

[Berndt]

In the dark.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do we have the garlicky cheese bread here?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Oh, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Of course. There's also a Sizzler to go. Like a Chili's to go at the airport just outside if you just want, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You run this as well, or is this a different.

[Berndt]

On.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It's become a family business.

[Berndt]

It is the honor system.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It's sort of a family business. It's not really a profit driver. I would say.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I didn't want it. No, we are. Are you kidding me? I had to get licenses for things.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's ridiculously zoned for business.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Not at all. We're not zoned for the 160 rooms that he's built.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that is a big part of the neighborhood. Listen, is hearing about how your. Is it like a compound has expanded?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. We've gone underground. One of the things we went to Las Vegas about was a year or two ago now, babe. And you just love the Venetian. So he built. He tried to build an underground canal system. Yeah. That was one thing you were doing for a while.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I built a hall of Hapsburg Jaws.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, you did.

[Berndt]

Hapsburg, where you could put your. The jaws were cut out and you.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Saw a long haul of the lineage of Habsburg.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Not unlike the hollow microscopes. But in this case, they're not being used for anything other than should just be looked at.

[Berndt]

That's right.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

And you would hear a voiceover, like a ghostly voiceover as you walk through it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It. Why?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

And.

[Berndt]

That was my question.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Because there's nothing more frightful than a half word. I mean, so many.

[Berndt]

Okay, so. Okay. And when you.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

And then by the end, it says what you. Wait, how did I say it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, he's doing a whole face and a void.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's putting his hand on his hand.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Up to his throat for like an effect. I don't know what this is going to be. Oh, that was good. Burn.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Well, you are now. I once was.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that all museums, all the audio tours in museums should be like sort of ghostly voices because it's all stuff that happened a long time ago and everyone involved is a ghost now, so why not.

[Berndt]

And that's the final one is the. The. The jaw is cut out and you can put your and you can put.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Your own jaw in there.

[Berndt]

But then it doesn't really make sense.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Because didn't you also demolish, like, the rooms next to it so that you could walk along and put your eyes through the. Because I know that's a whole thing you.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Most of the rooms we've had, I've sensed, paved over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paved over.

[Berndt]

Paved.

[Scott Aukerman]

So the rooms still exist, but they've been paved over?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah. That's the first step to reinstallation.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is sort of like the old city of Seattle. Just. It's like you. You build on top of the. Yeah.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

If you dug down, you would see our old house, you know, through the years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is. It's a fascinating podcast.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hosted by a tree of real intellectuals who have people on and talking about their lives.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you, Bern. I don't think we should run past this.

[Berndt]

Yeah. When you called us three intellectuals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Real intellectuals. Yeah.

[Berndt]

Yeah. Well, that's nice. What did you mean by that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Hang on, babe. We need to get to the bottom of it. I think it might not be what you think.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I think we should accept that. I understand why you want to move on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trying to make your podcast sound classy, like the NPR crowd might enjoy it, you know, like. Because right now, I think a bunch of. Of, like, dumb comedy fans probably like it. But I'm. I'm trying to get, like, comedy.

[Berndt]

Never.

[Joan Pedestrian]

First of all, listeners, not fans, Scott. Second of all, I don't think anyone who loves comedy is dumb. Although Bert does. He. Absolutely.

[Berndt]

Oh, I think a lot of people who love comedy are dumb. Depends on the comedy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What is it? There's a specific part of comedy you don't like. Is it sketch? It makes you furious.

[Berndt]

I don't like sketch.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's what it is.

[Berndt]

Because it's too. The stories are too short.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Berndt]

A joke. Great. I'm not expecting much. I'm expecting a good joke to be over at a certain point. A sketch seems like they get me interested, invested, and it's over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Berndt]

Sketches should be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sometimes they go too long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Long form sketches.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So a sitcom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Half an hour. Yeah. Or 22 minutes with a laugh track.

[Berndt]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Berndt]

It's so hard. Multi camera. Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Speaking of which, I mean, another one of our bonus episodes was actually reading the pilot that. That Sybil was one of the guests that actually, it's. When we discussed it, he wrote a pilot called evidently about a man named Lee who sees evidence new print style. You know, just everything goes black.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But maybe our listeners, your listener, your.

[Berndt]

Fans might not know evidently has what is referred to in the script as Newprin Vision.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yes.

[Berndt]

Where much like in the TV commercials for the pain reliever from back in the day, everything will go yellow except the most important. Everything will go black and white.

[Scott Aukerman]

White.

[Berndt]

Okay, okay, Doug.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Doug.

[Berndt]

I just misspoke. I'm not trying to misrepresent your idea.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

This is a big deal for.

[Berndt]

I understand. So everything goes black and white except for the most important element that is seen in yellow.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Not necessarily the most important evidence, necessarily.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

More the most evident.

[Berndt]

Oh, impotent. Not impotent. I'm doing what you did.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But any. Anyways, anyhow, that is a 22 page script, but it is a half hour procedural, which I told him isn't a thing, but he's really trying to. To break down that barrier.

[Scott Aukerman]

Half hour. Yeah. I mean it's. It's tough to get all those clues in, but you know, you do is just cut out a lot of the steps where it's just like they go to the first crime scene and then they see the thing that leads them right to the criminal.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This is. You think that it's like that. You have to go back and listen to it. The whole thing starts with the stage action of wipe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just to wipe from nothing.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah, that's what they said.

[Berndt]

It was my favorite.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah, it's my favorite transition.

[Ellen Dracula]

I believe it's.

[Berndt]

It's a bold start to a. A show.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

To a bold show.

[Berndt]

You have to. And it's a bold show show. But you do have to consider what are you wiping from?

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's correct. We needed that. We needed that information.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I mean, it's not from nothing. There's always something before the show, like a commercial.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right. But that means you wipe the commercial. You'd have to or them on board with it. So you can make that happen, that transition, whatever it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can give permission, though you can't. Or you know what?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's better reach over and wipe someone else work.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I like, I like that. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

[Berndt]

Sure, sure. But you also have to figure out how to engineer this so it happens. All right.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

We're not at that stage.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know, maybe you're not in charge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of the editing or anything like that. You're just kind of telling them what. What.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

You see, this guy knows show business.

[Berndt]

Yeah, it's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm the guy who in a wrote a pilot that had something called a cold tag. And the network executives were like, what?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sounds gross.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm dead. I said, I don't know why I wrote that. Well, the neighborhood. Listen, Season nine premieres this week, I believe, on Tuesday as it comes out.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wait, what does CBB mean? We have to answer the question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. I don't even know, actually.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. I inherited the show.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, you did?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like the Tonight Show? Yeah.

[Ellen Dracula]

From whom?

[Scott Aukerman]

There was a. I. I know Polly Shore had it in the 90s, and I'm not quite sure who the original hosts were, but. Yeah, I mean, that lore has been lost over the years.

[Berndt]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one even knows anymore.

[Berndt]

So before the 90s, the lore is lost.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's got to be a way to find it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it was all in, like, phone books and stuff like that, and now no one.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So the lore was in phone book?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it was all written down in phone book. It was like, you know, passed down through advertisements in the yellow pages and stuff. So. Sorry.

[Berndt]

Would you have to sort of hunt for it to put it all together?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It would be in various, like, written like a paragraph on one page, a paragraph on another page. Like, you know how, like, we had that friend in high school who was like, I'm gonna write on multiple pages in your yearbook. Did you ever have that? No. None of you are women. That's why, trust me, there were these people who would do, like, go to page 9, go to page 10, go to page 25.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a choose your own adventure book, I think.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do you think it was obnoxious?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Do you think the yellow pages had to be dyed yellow, like, each page? Somebody had to.

[Berndt]

I think they probably use yellow paper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or an old tree.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Where's that come from?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It can't be found that lore is gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we don't know.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

But what I will say is that season nine of the neighborhood, listen. Comes out this week, I believe, on Tuesdays. And you guys can stick around, can't you? Oh, sure, we'd love to. We have a fantastic.

[Berndt]

Flew all the way out here. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

On my dime as well.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Every two years, I get to come to la.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Berndt]

For business class.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. And that was an upgrade.

[Berndt]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't. That wasn't in the contract. I just decided to upgrade you guys.

[Berndt]

Oh, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have a mother coming on the show.

[Berndt]

Oh, interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to see your interviewing style. So perhaps we could all. Oh, talk to the mother together and ask questions together.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I would love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, wonderful. We're going to come right back. We're going to have a mother. We'll also have burnt me a payday. Joan. Pedestrian Doug Korn, Pedestrian the cast of the Neighborhood Listen, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp World Mental Health Day. Boy, Coming up It's in October. Now, one thing that helps us all through World Mental Health Year is going to therapy. And you know, this is a time to show appreciation for therapists everywhere and to feel the broader benefits of therapy. World Mental Health Day is in October and BetterHelp is shining the spotlight on therapists, people who truly make the world a better place. Because the right therapists can change everything. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals and a short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading. Match fulfillment rate means that BetterHelp typically gets it right the first time. But if you're not happy with your match, you know what? Go ahead, switch to a different therapist at any time. From their tailored Wreck this World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. And if you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can start you on that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Bang Bang that is betterhelp.com Bang Bang.

[Berndt]

NetCredit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit. When other lenders say no, apply in minutes and get a decision decision as soon as the same day. If approved, applications are typically funded the next business day or sooner. Loans offered by Netcredit or lending partner banks and serviced by Netcredit Application subject to review and approval. Learn [e-mail] partners. NetCredit credit to the People.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. We have burnt me a payday. Hello Joan Pedestrian Present Doug Korn Pedestrian Hosts of the Neighborhood Listen, season nine of which comes out this week and anything else happening like big news in the town these days or anything like that.

[Berndt]

Oh, boy. You know, Halloween is coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Berndt]

And that's the.

[Scott Aukerman]

The next major holiday, I would say.

[Berndt]

Halloween in Dignity Falls, unfortunately, has kind of been supplanted by the. The pharmacy product parade.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never heard of one of these.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, it's specific to Digy Falls as so many things are.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I always thought this was everywhere. Turns out it's just an.

[Berndt]

It's just the ones that do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So there's at least 60 pharmacists who work at this place you work at because of all the micro.

[Berndt]

That's just our pharmacy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Berndt]

But there's. There's a lot of pharmacies in Digy Falls.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is there? All right.

[Berndt]

Both places. And you know, there's a parade where the pharmacists ride on floats and they throw out pills to the kids.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Kids. And just.

[Berndt]

It's. It's become. And I feel sort of bad about this, that it's kind of eclipsed Halloween as the. As the go to holiday around that.

[Scott Aukerman]

What day is this held?

[Berndt]

This is held the day after Halloween.

[Scott Aukerman]

November 1st.

[Berndt]

Yes. So people don't really go out trick or treating anymore.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But the prep is so. I mean, this almost put burnt in the hospital last year. He was in charge. What they do is they make a gigantic straw pharmacist and they set it on fire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And he was in charge of building the head. And it nearly did you in last year.

[Berndt]

Oh, it was. It was really intense. Were working around the clock and. And just like threading the eyelashes because everything's made out of straw. And I. I ended up. I ended up inside the head when it was set on fire. And that was. Thankfully my girlfriend Gabby was able to rescue me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, did she smoke jump into that.

[Berndt]

Or smoke jump right into the head.

[Scott Aukerman]

So she. She saw this from the ground, got into a plane.

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got her parachute.

[Berndt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody said burns up there. And she. Like a shot. She got into a plane.

[Scott Aukerman]

She got into a plane, parachute up there, taxied.

[Berndt]

I had thankfully thought to build a fontanelle into the head of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thank God.

[Berndt]

Where the pharmacist. She just came right through.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Berndt]

Right through the soft spot.

[Scott Aukerman]

And saved you.

[Berndt]

And saved me. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible. How romantic.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't know if you know this. I. This is another thing. I think the scout fight. Interesting is that basically the first thing that happened once he and Gabby started dating was I think just two years ago maybe when they went to Greece and on Their, on their flight back, they didn't make it that far. Mount Aetna was erupting and they had to do a lava landing, an emergency lava landing, which I didn't know was a thing.

[Berndt]

It's very rare.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, lava landings are pretty common, but in an emergency one.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's what I'm talking about. And a squadron of hopters.

[Scott Aukerman]

A squadron of hopters.

[Berndt]

It was a squadron of helicopters.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I didn't do my tongue twisters again. I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's okay. You pronounce it H apostrophe.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Gutted the hopter.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good impression.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Really good. My Al Pacino and your Swartz, your Arnold. We should get together together on a.

[Scott Aukerman]

On a date some night.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that would be a good bonus, Ruth.

[Berndt]

Oh, sure. I'd love, I'd love to hear all four of you talking to each other.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Anyways, they, everyone on the plane had amazing sex afterwards. Everyone survived and it really gave them kind of a death wish for a while. So this story is actually quite tame. The one of her rescuing him compared to what that was, I guess.

[Berndt]

I, I, I. Yeah, we did.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It was Roman.

[Berndt]

Everyone had to climb out on top of the plane as the plane was slowly being consumed by the lava. And then we were rescued by the, the, the hopters and, and then we all had a massive text chain after that.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the past. Has it died out by now though?

[Berndt]

No, still going.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still going.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Stronger. Don't those drive you crazy though? Because half the time it's just someone putting a thumbs up on the same text. Drives me crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Every once in a while I'm on a giant one with like nine people and there will be 57 notifications. Just people, thumbs up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Why, why do we need this? Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't you know that the worst is.

[Berndt]

When someone has discovered stickers?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, it sure is.

[Berndt]

They're always adding a sticker to everything.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Takes extra time to see it.

[Berndt]

Boy, oh boy. Yeah. So we kept in touch and then afterwards we all, you know, stumbled onto the fact that we, all of us had just incredible sex after that happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you stumble on this fact? Did someone blur some brave soul blurted.

[Berndt]

It out and then we, everyone had to say, actually, us too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so was everyone in a couple who was on the plane or did people come along?

[Berndt]

That's a good question. All the single people that were on the plane ended up in a couple with other people that were single on the plane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so everyone, it was in pairs of two, though. Every. So it was an even number on the plane. Okay, good. Some people were poly.

[Berndt]

Oh, absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Berndt]

Absolutely. Some people weren't before and they are now.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, good for them.

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you're born.

[Berndt]

But it did. It did give us a. Well, no matter how you're born, you might not realize it until later.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Exactly. That's what you're trying to say. Then we both agree.

[Berndt]

We do agree.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. And we like each other.

[Berndt]

And we like each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're friends. Yeah, we're friends.

[Berndt]

Yeah. And you know another.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sounds like an NPR podcast. Keep going, Gabby.

[Berndt]

I did have a sort of. You know that movie Fearless with Jeff Bridges.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, of course. Yeah. With Rosie.

[Berndt]

Rosie Perez.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gaines.

[Berndt]

Rosie Gaines.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wait a minute. Is this a lot of Rosie around here now?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Is this a movie podcast?

[Berndt]

I asked. He said no.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He said no.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I was in the.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Talking about movies.

[Berndt]

But yeah, we had. We had a death wish for a bit. Not. I wouldn't say a death wish, but we.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should have just said, you know that movie Death Wish.

[Berndt]

We were under the impression that we were perhaps immortal and we could do.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's what it was. That's what it was.

[Berndt]

Beaten death.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Berndt]

And so we were. We were driving a car into a brick wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, everyone is immortal.

[Joan Pedestrian]

First, covering it with sanitary napkins. You forgot that part burnt.

[Berndt]

Yeah, I did.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Which you wanted to argue affected the impact in some way, which can't be true.

[Berndt]

It had to have.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can say that sanitary napkins are nature's airbags.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is that right?

[Berndt]

Yeah, I think that says.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm not sure what. Because. Because what's coming out is supposed to, I don't know, be. Be. Be stopped and thrown back in your face. And I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know how it works.

[Berndt]

If you think about it, it is like an airbag for the. The, the. The.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Go ahead.

[Berndt]

Anyone who can have a period.

[Joan Pedestrian]

If it weren't.

[Berndt]

If it weren't there, who knows what could happen?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, every woman does. Every woman does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we're getting.

[Berndt]

I rest my case.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We're getting another lady who's going to know about this coming on soon, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. We need to get to our next guest. She is a mother. Please welcome a mother.

[Ellen Dracula]

Hi, Scott, Doug and Bert and Joan. So nice to meet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wonderful to meet you.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, thank you for having me. Welcome to the show.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Can I call you Mom?

[Berndt]

Or.

[Ellen Dracula]

If you'd like, if you want.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's a second.

[Ellen Dracula]

That's okay. Well, my name is Ellen Dracula and I am Dracula's.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Mother.

[Berndt]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, whoa, wait. The Dracula or some other Dracula?

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah, the Dracula. The one and only. That is my son. And I'm here because, you know, he has been single for so long and he won't do anything about it.

[Berndt]

Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

He won't do anything about it. So I.

[Berndt]

Great. Chime in.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know you're excited, but just give her a minute, okay? Let's just get to know her. I know you had to. To.

[Ellen Dracula]

No, it's true. It's true. And thank you. There's. And. And. And I feel like I have no other choice but to come out here and get the message.

[Scott Aukerman]

Before we get to all that, I gotta dig in on just you being Dracula's mother. I feel like.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, if you want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, that's. I look. So are you hundreds of years old? Well, I mean, I don't mean to ask a lady her age, but if we're going through Dracula lore, he's. He was.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He.

[Ellen Dracula]

He is very old. I'm very old as well. But we're both kind of frozen at like a solid 40.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, sure.

[Berndt]

You look really.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, yeah. You look fantastic. Thank you.

[Ellen Dracula]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you were. You were turned into a Dracula at age 40. You.

[Berndt]

And you, when you married Dracula's father, presumably.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I don't know. We don't want to presume.

[Ellen Dracula]

I got it through marriage.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It. Okay, okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

Because some people inherit, you know. I got it through marriage by law. We got married in a courthouse and I became a Dracula as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you had already had a baby at this point, who then grew up to be the age 40 and then was turned into a Dracula, so.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yes, yes. So. So we had sort of a. You know, at the time, it wasn't. It wasn't what you want, right? You don't want a baby, but he.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was blasting up inside of you.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yes, that's so true. That's exactly how it happened. I was blasted up inside of by a Dracula. Then I became one.

[Joan Pedestrian]

By then, I guess it's blessed by law.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Oh, so you get to do it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I gotta admit, Doug, it was fun. It's fun to do. Everyone should do it.

[Berndt]

Can we very quickly take a detour? Because your. Your voice is, I have to say, not what I would have expected.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't have the Romanian sort of cadence.

[Ellen Dracula]

No, of course my husband has the cadence, because I think of Dracula for sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I vote to suck your blood.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, have you met my husband?

[Ellen Dracula]

Have you met. Spot on impression of Eric. Right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds more like Santa Claus.

[Berndt]

No, Santa Sounds like this.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, no, this happens a lot on our podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have Santa. Santa Claus blindness, correct?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Or. Oh, that's not him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa Claus deafness.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So, wait, that's Santa Claus deafness. But that. That really sounds like your husband to you.

[Ellen Dracula]

That. That is what my husband sounds like. He's watching the game, going, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was your husband royalty? And that's why your son is a count or.

[Ellen Dracula]

So the Dracula as king stuff, that's not. We don't really like. It's. It's more about the blood for us. It's more about bats. It's more about all that business. Business. And. And we didn't really get any. We're not Nepo Draculas. Right. We're. We're not. We're not countesses. We're not like.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So your son.

[Ellen Dracula]

Humble.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your son lived 40 years before anyone thought to turn him into a Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yes, He. He lived a. A normal sort of life. And then someone came along, a dark stranger promised in the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely.

[Ellen Dracula]

And so.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this was not kept in the family at all. This was totally out the of. Outside of the familial circle. Some other Dracula made him a Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

A different Dracula made him a Dracula. We wanted to give him the choice.

[Berndt]

Is that the term? Are we. Are we saying another person from the Dracula lineage or another vampire and referring to vampires?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I really needed this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kind of like Kleenex, you know what I mean? I mean, it's like, Dracula is so famous.

[Berndt]

I think I'd ask her.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So it was a. It was a Kirkland vampire, essentially.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Costco brand.

[Ellen Dracula]

Exactly. Not. It's like a rectangle square situation. Not all vampires are Draculas. But. But every Dracula is a vampire.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So some other vampire turned your son into a vampire. That must have been an exciting day for your family.

[Ellen Dracula]

It was exciting that he chose the path, you know, because he was. He was screwing around for a while, going, oh, I think I might be like a tennis coach. I might be normal. I'm thinking I might be normal.

[Scott Aukerman]

And 40 years of this, I can only imagine, like, at a certain point, you, like, he, He. He could pass away from a heart attack or something.

[Ellen Dracula]

We had thrown in the towel. We were really. We thought he was a lost cause. We're like, you're not. You're not going down our thing. You're not. You're not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meanwhile, he's getting closer and closer to your age by looks.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah, we look. We look sort of. You know that Tumblr website, Siblings are dating.

[Berndt]

Sure.

[Ellen Dracula]

Siblings are Dating.

[Scott Aukerman]

Siblings are dating or know it.

[Ellen Dracula]

No, I've never heard of siblings or dating. Oh, you put two pictures up. No, you put one picture up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get the process totally correct on this. Because I want, I think people are going to visit this website and I want to make sure that they know exactly the exact instructions of how to do this.

[Ellen Dracula]

Of course. I don't want anybody left behind. No child left behind. This is one picture. It has two individuals in it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

They look similar, but there's a romantic chemistry evident in the photo. And people have to comment whether you think siblings or dating.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, do they ever receive the answer to this conundrum syndrome?

[Ellen Dracula]

And I believe they did. Somehow through the format of the website, they. They revealed it. But the interface is a little. My memory's going on it.

[Berndt]

I think maybe you have to swipe to see the answer.

[Ellen Dracula]

Right.

[Berndt]

That's a series of photos. Yes.

[Ellen Dracula]

The information, it was like a. Like an ancient photo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you only find out the answer if you vote or pay?

[Ellen Dracula]

I don't think it. I don't, you know, I don't think they paywalled it. I think they were really noble about it. And they kept noble. They wanted, wanted. They wanted everyone to have access to the information of whether they were siblings.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or when the Internet was good. Right.

[Berndt]

True nobility.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's true. People stood for something. I don't want to get political, but they did stand for something. There was a common good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I didn't realize that was political, but. So you, you, you have this son. He. You all move over to the station.

[Joan Pedestrian]

At some point and I've got, I've got a question.

[Berndt]

We all have questions. And you said we could ask the questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, yeah, why not?

[Berndt]

Okay. What is your husband's name?

[Ellen Dracula]

My husband's name is Eric Dracula.

[Berndt]

Eric Dracula. And is he still with us?

[Ellen Dracula]

He is still with us. He is, you know, he's a mechanic and a Dracula at night.

[Scott Aukerman]

So mechanic during the day or a mechanic and Dracula during the night?

[Ellen Dracula]

Mechanic, he says. So he's really busy at night. Cause he can't mechanic during the day. No, because he get burnt up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sure, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Ellen Dracula]

By the sun.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he's a night mechanic.

[Ellen Dracula]

He's a night mechanic for, you know, people. Some people work days. People work, you know. True. Some people do nine to five. They have no time to bring in their car. And so they can only do it at 2, 3 in the morning. And so that's what Eric does.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he is specializing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I do. I'm a realtor. You know, it'd Be a great time for me to bring my car.

[Berndt]

Of course.

[Ellen Dracula]

Come on by. Come on by the castle. We'd love to have you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

A castle? Oh, so you do really live in a castle?

[Ellen Dracula]

We do have a castle, but not a Nepo kind. It's more of the monster kind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, okay. Can I ask a question? When you were talking about your son as a mother, you know, like, when you're talking about how he wanted to play tennis or you're thinking. I, I was. I wanted to follow up. So is it that you have. Did you say you have a hope that your, Your, your, like your son is going to follow in. This is not a gotcha. This is not a gotcha moment. This is not a gotcha. I, I want to be impeccable with my words, NPR listeners. Okay, so. So is it the kind of thing, where are you watching your son and you're hoping he grows up to be that kind of thing?

[Berndt]

Is it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Or is it that, like, he has to come out to you as mortal?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like a gotcha.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Are you disappointed when you find out that he's not wanting to be a dragon? That's what I'm trying to say.

[Berndt]

I do not mean to make this a gotcha question. It's Joan's question. I'm just enthusiastic to hear the answer.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. Bert, I feel like what you're doing is making her feel more worried.

[Berndt]

I'm really trying not to.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I feel like this has to be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

A mother to mother question, not a pharmacist mother to mother question.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I think Gotcha.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This is an M to M. This is a strictly. This is strictly an M to Gotcha questions.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Got a bad rap, I think, because every question should result in a gotcha.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like you answer like you got the answer. Yeah, got it. Gotcha.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I gotcha in a positive way. Like, I guess we've. I guess we've co opted Gotcha to do something else.

[Berndt]

I don't think it should be a gotcha question unless the person actually says gotcha afterwards.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Otherwise, what if they say got ya then.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Then you go. Then you go. Then you say to them, why didn't she write another song? Why was it only just that one?

[Scott Aukerman]

So did we get the answer to this question?

[Ellen Dracula]

I love and I love the questions. I love a question. So you're wondering if he, if he, if he. If I'm disappointed that he isn't following.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. Did you have that moment or is that not a thing?

[Ellen Dracula]

Well, sure. I had to grieve the loss of a Dracula son sometime. Around. He was 30, you know, he was. He was swiping his tennis balls left and right on the court.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, like you do.

[Ellen Dracula]

Like you do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like I did on that website, trying to get the answer whether they're dating or related.

[Ellen Dracula]

Exactly, exactly. Siblings are dating. But in this case, it was tennis. It was a tennis ball. Married to this woman named Emily. Who was nice. Who was nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, you know, a lot of ease in this story. You got Eric, Ellen, Emily.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's a big E. F. You know, sometimes we all find each other. I don't know what it is. It's something. There's something animalistic, you know.

[Berndt]

Another big E family is the Smalls family.

[Ellen Dracula]

And then what so true.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is your son's first name? His Christian name?

[Ellen Dracula]

So his name is Jack.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Dracula.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Jackula. We wish. That would have been fun, right?

[Ellen Dracula]

That would have been fun. That would have been fun. But we care a lot about having a solid first name and a solid last name family. So he is Jack Dracula. And, and any shorthand, you know, that would be confusing because. Are we talking about me? Are we talking about my husband, you know, who, who is just. And I.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And to get it teased a lot in school, that just seems like a name that you get teased with, that they would try to shorten it or do things like that. What was it like from growing up with that name?

[Berndt]

I call him Jack Offula.

[Ellen Dracula]

He had some, you know, he had some tough. He had some tough bullying years, for sure. There were people, There were people saying, oh, your name, your first name and your last name could be combined, you weirdo.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Children are monsters.

[Ellen Dracula]

Say it all in one word, you freakazoid. But luckily he found this really great group of boys who were, were, you know, really emotionally intelligent.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wonderful, Wonderful.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now he is 40, appearing, and he's looking for a mate.

[Ellen Dracula]

He is looking for a mate. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he has had no luck up to this point.

[Ellen Dracula]

And I gotta say, as a mother, I just don't. I don't think he's looking that hard. I don't think he's looking that hard. And so I have no choice but to come on and advertise and say, you know, my son, Dra. Dracula, he's a catch. He's here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

Jack Dracula.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what are the. What are the pros and cons? Let's, let's get into that. Pros and cons of dating Jack.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh.

[Ellen Dracula]

Because I want to be transparent to all these lovely ladies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you do that? Can you be transparent?

[Berndt]

From his mother.

[Ellen Dracula]

I, I can't if you give me like a minute. I can't.

[Berndt]

You can't? Well, please stop jumping down her throat. Give her a minute.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, no. I mean, it takes one minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Berndt]

Oh, I see. Oh.

[Ellen Dracula]

And then I can disappear.

[Berndt]

Gotcha.

[Ellen Dracula]

But I'm just being. I just mean it would take a whole thing because.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would be like a spell or incantation or. Can you.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah, like, we'd have to. Wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

Clench your vagina muscles really hard or something.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's like, what is this show? What is going on?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not that kind of.

[Ellen Dracula]

Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I'm clenching my vagina.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't know the process. I don't know the process of turning into.

[Berndt]

Do we want your fans listening to our podcast? Podcast? I'm not sure that's. We don't have that kind of talk on our show.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Just get in trouble if I sweat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Clenching your sphincter is what I should have said.

[Ellen Dracula]

Okay, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Not gender neutral, though.

[Ellen Dracula]

Your woman, but my woman. A lady spanked her. But the pros and cons.

[Berndt]

Wasn't that that romance novel you were reading?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Joan the Lady Spinker Dirt?

[Ellen Dracula]

I've heard that's good.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is good. I was thinking of turning it into a stage show, but anyways. This is not about me. Go on.

[Ellen Dracula]

No, of course.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

So pros. Pros. If you like bats, you're gonna love my son.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, yeah. He can't turn into a bat.

[Scott Aukerman]

He turns into a bat. Or he has a lot of bats hanging around.

[Ellen Dracula]

He turns into bats. He associates with bats. A lot of his best friends are bats.

[Berndt]

How many bats does he turn into?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Part turning into a bat would be a pro. Hanging out with bats. I don't. That does nothing for me.

[Berndt]

Now, you said he turns into. To bats.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a different bat each time or.

[Ellen Dracula]

Personality disorder with the bats. It's. It's a little. He's got. He's got different people. He. He different sort of bat Personas. He can. He could zap.

[Berndt]

Zap into him.

[Ellen Dracula]

He can zap into him. You know, of course, at first we were like, should we get a psychologist? Should we figure this out? You know, kind of get. Get him into one personality. One bat personality. But he. What.

[Berndt]

What are some of the bat Personas?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, so he. He's got Jeremy bat and. And he is a real prankster. He is leaving.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like your children, Joan.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And absolutely, yes. I mean, pranks and also mostly setting things on fire. So I'm not sure if they actually would love Jeremy, they might get along.

[Ellen Dracula]

You love Jeremy the bat? My. My son's person. One of his personalities. Oh, there's. There's Edward Bat. He's sort of the bad boy. Oh, there's. There's Jiminy Bat. And he is like, singer.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that's so charming. I would like Jiminy Bat.

[Berndt]

Now, does Jiminy Bat sing in a bat voice or a human voice?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Sonar.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's. It. So. Yeah.

[Berndt]

So did it sound like that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, that's definitely.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's heavy on percussion. It's kind of sonar.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

So it can be enjoyed by us. We would hear it to our human ears as a drum, but bats would hear it as sort of a Frank Sinatra guy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

And does Jack have these personalities when he's a human or only when he turns into a bat?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, he keeps it. It just bat. So when he's a person, he is. I gotta say, he needs to come out of his shell. He's in his room, he's brooding. He is going to the blood bank alone. He's killing deer alone.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, dear.

[Ellen Dracula]

And he's just keeping to himself. But when he's this bat, he's sort of this. This. This wonderful butterfly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, there's a male loneliness epidemic happening in this country.

[Ellen Dracula]

That is so true.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it sounds like even Dracula. Dracula has fallen victim to this.

[Ellen Dracula]

Even Dracula is male, lone. Is male lonely.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This might be. This might be a weird question, but when he's a bat, are there bats? Are there lady bats? That maybe. Is that the connection that he needs?

[Berndt]

Lady bats.

[Ellen Dracula]

The lady bats, you know, so it's tough because he. Some of the ladies have fallen for Jiminy Bat because, you know, he's an accomplished lady.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's what I'm thinking.

[Berndt]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I bet that like a boob lady bat, Edward.

[Ellen Dracula]

And the bad boy Edward does get. He gets a few ladybacks.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that's always what happens. That's what makes the males be very frustrated when they're nerds. You know, they say a woman always goes for a bad boy or a bad bat.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah, a bat. A bad bat boy. A bad, bad boy. That the. And the.

[Berndt]

And make me feel so good.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's true.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Which, by the way, was the song that opens the montage of Three Men and a Baby. But anyways, I digress.

[Ellen Dracula]

But he just can't translate it to a human woman. They're. They're not. They're just. Just not sticking for some reason. And, you know, it's like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it.

[Berndt]

Is it the fear of Being transformed into the living dead.

[Ellen Dracula]

You know, it could be you might.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Have hit on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you have that fear when you started dating?

[Ellen Dracula]

Of course. But I got over it. You know, these.

[Berndt]

These girls, it was a different time.

[Ellen Dracula]

It was a different. You know, I. In those days, if a husband comes a knockin you're kind of like, I'm ready. Sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, I get it.

[Ellen Dracula]

Hey, but I'm.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I thought that was gonna rhyme with rockin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I was a little disappointed by that.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Quite honestly, just waiting for some rock and roll. Did, did, did you. Was there consent when he turned you into a Dracula?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

[Ellen Dracula]

I said. I said sure. Whatever. Sign the papers. I don't want to live with my parents anymore.

[Berndt]

How did he ask you?

[Ellen Dracula]

He said. He said, my darling angel.

[Berndt]

I.

[Ellen Dracula]

I. Would you make me the happiest of ever. Ever been.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kind of sounds like Borat, I have to say. Did he ever say, make you my wife?

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah, he does. He sounds a little bit like that movie star. Borat.

[Scott Aukerman]

That movie starring Borat.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Get an impression.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I remember that movie.

[Berndt]

It was called Borat. She said he's a movie star. Borat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the movie star.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He's been in two movies. Has he been on the show even.

[Scott Aukerman]

Being in one movie? That's a movie star. I'm a movie star. I was an Austin Bow's gold member.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, good for you. That's one of Doug's favorites.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Love it.

[Berndt]

There's the proof.

[Scott Aukerman]

It answers the question, what would happen if someone's member was gold?

[Ellen Dracula]

What would happen? And, well, you know, I had no choice but to say yes. And so I think girls these days, they're getting picky, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, what if you were to, like, I don't know, hypnotize someone into loving him or something like that? You guys can do that.

[Berndt]

Can you enthrall people?

[Ellen Dracula]

You can enthrall? Sure. It's a little frowned upon. It's kind of in a gray area right now. You know, there's a lot of dragons dialogue right now about is enthralling. Okay. Oh, that's good. Is everybody on equal playing fields if one person is enthralling?

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't enthrall us to talk to you right now, right? I mean, we're. No.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, my goodness, no. Of course.

[Ellen Dracula]

I only enthrall when someone says, please enthrall me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

I wait for a full and hard. Please enthrall me.

[Scott Aukerman]

And why does someone want to be enthralled?

[Ellen Dracula]

Some people just they don't want. There's so many. Have you heard of decision fatigue?

[Berndt]

Yes, absolutely.

[Ellen Dracula]

You know, you're going, you're going on postmates. What do I order? Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just want someone to enthrall you to order, like what? And you'll be happy with whatever comes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Ellen Dracula]

So that you can. So that you can. Just so that it's one less thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to think, what do I wear today? Enthrall me.

[Ellen Dracula]

Exactly. And I am on fiverr. I offer this as a service.

[Scott Aukerman]

If.

[Ellen Dracula]

If people wanted, they should have that on postmates.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Just like a wig wheel, you know? And it just surprised me. Surprise you? Yeah, anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anything. And then they. It comes with 500 worth of food.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

You have to accept it.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every single time. So your son, what are his hobbies? What are his interests?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, his great question, Scott. He is a fun guy. You ladies will love him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but what are his hobbies? What are his interests?

[Ellen Dracula]

You're gonna so exactly love him, ladies. He's a good boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but what are his hobbies? What are his interests?

[Ellen Dracula]

So exactly if. I would say if in terms of hobbies. In terms of if. If.

[Scott Aukerman]

If it's either one of those. So.

[Ellen Dracula]

So if it's. If it's a period of time where it's like where someone is spending the most time doing something, I guess technically his hobby would be killing cows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

And robbing blood banks.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he's a. He's a bank robber In a way.

[Ellen Dracula]

Exactly.

[Berndt]

So if you, if the John Dillinger blood.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The what?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the John Dillinger of. Why doesn't he just buy the. The blood.

[Ellen Dracula]

You know, he.

[Berndt]

Are you allowed to do that?

[Ellen Dracula]

I don't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I had a question. When he said he went to the blood bank, I was confused as to how that worked and what he's doing. But you're saying he's stealing it? Like breaking in at night.

[Ellen Dracula]

So he's breaking in at night. When the nurses go to bed, they're every nurse, they go to bed there. There's a, you know, there's a nurse dormitory. They're tired, you know, they got to go to bed.

[Scott Aukerman]

2, 4, up the ceiling.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's so it's a 16 bed female only dorm. They have a little hostel on the side of the blood bank and that's where the nurses go. And from 3 to 4am because you know, you don't want a tired nurse.

[Berndt]

Working sleep 3 to 4am Give him an hour of sleep at 3am and.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Get better, get back to bloodletting better.

[Ellen Dracula]

Better than nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's when, that's when he strikes. That's when Jack strikes.

[Ellen Dracula]

That's when jack strikes. At 3am you think that they would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe like shift the going to bedtime if repeatedly it's being you know, robbed or changed the.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Or is he getting in and getting out without a trace? I mean are they aware he's stealing blood? Otherwise how could he keep doing this?

[Ellen Dracula]

Well you know, sometimes you, you do have to enthrall for hunger at.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, he enthrals them.

[Ellen Dracula]

We give like a little bit of a pass for that. But at the same time these nurses are on their phones. They're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh sure. I think they're not even sleeping during this hour.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They're looking at sibling or. They're looking. They're swiping.

[Ellen Dracula]

They're swiping. It is an epidemic. Everybody is on their phones and they don't want to meet anyone real. You know, I'm getting to the age where I would like some grandchildren.

[Berndt]

Yeah, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Berndt]

You meet someone real like Dracula.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is he able. I guess you were impregnated when he was a Dracula. So it's, it's, it's. You're able to. When you're a Dracula you can.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah. When you're a Dracula you can create a little Dracula. If I, if I can be so crass.

[Berndt]

When you're a Dracula, you're a Dracula by the way.

[Ellen Dracula]

But then exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does that Dracula stay that age forever of one day old.

[Ellen Dracula]

So when you're, when you give a. When you, when you, when you have a baby as a Dracula we.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's, here's what I think happened to you is you were impregnated as a human woman by a Dracula and then that baby grew to be 40 years old and then became a Dracula. But if you're, if it's two Draculas they can have a baby but it stays as one day old.

[Ellen Dracula]

It. It can stay as one day old. You can do some magic to make it older if you want. But I, I think there's something. There's a little bit of magic. Of course we're not sitting in our castle doing I. Just twiddling our thing playing Wii Sports.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

You look like as well. You look like magicians basically.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That is true. The cape just not a top hat with that flips up top hat.

[Ellen Dracula]

We've got half the outfit and a lot of Dracula's. You know they choose, they choose that path because you know you already had the wardrobe for it's already a tax write off. It's already easy. Makes your life easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do Draculas use canes? You know what? Table this. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to answer this question. If Draculas use canes ever.

[Ellen Dracula]

I can't wait to tell you.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then we're gonna, we're gonna dig in a little bit deep. Your, your son a mate and maybe we'll take some calls. I'm not quite sure, but we're gonna come right back. We're gonna have More from Ellen Dracula, more with Burton Payday, more with Joan Pedestrian, more with Doug Korn Pedestrian. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Joan Pedestrian]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Good to meet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of the neighborhood Listen podcast you season nine of which debuts this week on Tuesday. Tomorrow. Yeah. If you're listening to this on Monday. If you're listening to it on Tuesday, comes out today. If you're listening to it on Wednesday, you're too late.

[Berndt]

It's already come out.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's already come out. I'm sorry.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

If you pass away, it's never coming out.

[Berndt]

It's damaged goods.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's already out of its wrapper. We also have Ellen Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

Just kidding. That's my son. That is what he sounds like.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I enjoyed that, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he's got the typical voice then?

[Ellen Dracula]

He's got the voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everything you want out of a Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

Exactly. He's your classic, all American Dracula. He's a good boy.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I heard you learn how to speak basically from your peers, more than your parents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he have the metal with the red kind of ribbon? You know what I mean?

[Ellen Dracula]

The metal, the cake, the classic beautiful medallion. Oh, the Dracula's medallion, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't say medallion. I only said metal.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sorry.

[Ellen Dracula]

This is a classic culture.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll remember to add alien next time so you're not so confused as to what I might mean.

[Ellen Dracula]

I think people say metal, Dracula say medallion. That's one of the many. Call the whole thing off between us, too. Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he have it, though?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, he's got one.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what about the canes?

[Ellen Dracula]

What about the canes? I know you were eager for this question to be answered. Do Draculas have canes? Do we? Do we have that? And the answer is sometimes it depends on the Dracula. It's a Dracula's choice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dracula ever, like, break their ankle?

[Ellen Dracula]

A Dracula can. A Dracula can break his ankle.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you would need a cane sometimes.

[Ellen Dracula]

And then you would need a cane.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I would think they'd have brittle bones. I mean, all they're drinking is blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Berndt]

Yeah. There's not a lot of calcium blood.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I think so. Is there? Oh, I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Siri, Is there calcium and blood? Oh, it's Siri vacation.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I have a question. The stake in the heart thing, is that true?

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't have any stuff.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, my goodness. That seems like a weird thing to measure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Doug, how do I kill you? Hey, if I were to shoot you in the head, would you die?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I was just always wondering where, like is a toothpick a steak?

[Ellen Dracula]

This is.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Where's the line between a tooth thick and a stake?

[Scott Aukerman]

How thick does this wood thing have to be?

[Berndt]

Because a lot of times you see like the crawl cross thing, like in a movie, someone will make a cross out of two sticks, Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's got to be an official cross.

[Berndt]

I think so too.

[Scott Aukerman]

But people can just, like, hold up their hand. I'm making a cross with my arms right now.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Kind of looks like a plus sign. I don't think. No.

[Ellen Dracula]

If it locks into plus sign position, no matter what it is, it. It can kill you. But if it's a little on the border, if there's an angle. If it's more.

[Berndt]

Kill you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Ellen Dracula]

A cross can kill you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought Draculas were just afraid of crosses, but they can kill you. Well, the.

[Ellen Dracula]

The. The cross that kills.

[Berndt]

Why else would they be afraid of them?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's a good point.

[Ellen Dracula]

Fear is rooted in truth. Always.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point.

[Berndt]

Boy, that's so.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, but the stake in the heart thing.

[Ellen Dracula]

Stake in the heart. That is true. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that's true for anyone, right?

[Berndt]

That's true.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

But specifically, that will pretty much kill anyone.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's true. I could. I could kill anyone if you. That. That way. But you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know, it took a turn.

[Berndt]

Okay. Thank you.

[Ellen Dracula]

I won't.

[Berndt]

We're not trying to kill you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you.

[Ellen Dracula]

I won't.

[Berndt]

Okay, good.

[Ellen Dracula]

I won't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Glad we cleared.

[Ellen Dracula]

I. And I just want to. I. I want you to know that I trust you with this information.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

But a toothpick.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This has come up a lot. Every time you go to a restaurant and Doug gets a little candy and he.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

No one can answer.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This is a frustrating question.

[Berndt]

Do you think I could kill vampires?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. And then he'll ask me the whole way home.

[Ellen Dracula]

It would.

[Berndt]

The whole way.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The whole way home.

[Ellen Dracula]

It would hurt a lot.

[Berndt]

Sure.

[Ellen Dracula]

It would hurt a lot. It would.

[Scott Aukerman]

To death.

[Ellen Dracula]

It wouldn't kill me. It wouldn't hurt me to death.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

But it would hurt a lot. And it would. It would rub me the wrong way.

[Berndt]

I think in order for it to be a steak, it would have to pierce the. The breastbone. And I don't think a toothpaste.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No. It'd be like a paper cut.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think Doug is imagining some sort of scenario where open heart surgery is being performed and he comes in and pokes a heart with a toothpick.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Open heart surgery is being performed on the Dracula.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Ellen Dracula]

I hope we get there as a society one day.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so.

[Ellen Dracula]

We would like to come into it the.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The.

[Ellen Dracula]

The us. Us Draculas walking into hospitals and getting open heart.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you have to do now in order to get health.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh my God. We got to get. We have to get a special vampire. Excuse me. Not a vampire doctor. A Dracula doctor. Cuz a vampire doctor will see anybody. Oh, they'll see. They'll see mummies. They'll see Frankenstein's. They'll see ghosts.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, they don't distinguish.

[Ellen Dracula]

They're just kind of for everybody.

[Berndt]

What are the chief. That ghosts face.

[Ellen Dracula]

Wiggly leg. Wiggly leg. They got. They got orb orb syndrome.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That sounds Painful.

[Berndt]

That does sound terrible.

[Ellen Dracula]

I've got some friends. It sucks to hear it from that. It does suck. You know that. That show Ghost Adventures or any sort of paranormal show, where they're like, here's the footage. And then there's like a fleck of dust or a fleck of sort of like a catch of the light.

[Berndt]

Yeah. And somebody goes there.

[Ellen Dracula]

And. And that. That is a ghost, but it's a ghost in terrible pain.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So can I ask you this question? Because I know Doug is. Is just really itching. I'll just gonna ask it for you because you're talking about that you fraternize with other sort of Halloweeny type monsters, just like the Monster Mash. And I know that's what he wants to ask.

[Berndt]

Is that term okay to use? Fraternize.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, is it okay?

[Ellen Dracula]

Fraternize is okay. I'm sorry.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I should be choosing my word, choosing my words more carefully. I should be choosing my words more carefully.

[Berndt]

Oh, oh.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh. The first episode of our. I still hear that. We love talking like. Like Elizabeth McGovern's character from Downtown.

[Berndt]

I'm worried about the girl.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm worried about the girls. I have a fever. Rabbit, keep the girls away.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, but back to the point at hand. Do you fraternize with Wolfman?

[Berndt]

Why did you name the dog Isis?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right, so you hang out with other monsters. Is that right?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is like Lady Grantham you're talking.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yes.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Lady Grim, who is at the Monster Mash. Like everyone. Do we know the full guest list?

[Scott Aukerman]

I look it up. I don't want to go into it again this year. Swamp Thing, the rest.

[Ellen Dracula]

But yeah, we do. We do socialize with a.

[Scott Aukerman]

With a Wolf Man.

[Ellen Dracula]

With a Wolf Man. With a. With a werewolf. With a Frankenstein. With a Frankenstein's Bride's monster. A Frankenstein.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Someone's always going to correct you on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm not correct. Expecting. I'm just assuming you're hanging out with the Doctor.

[Ellen Dracula]

Two different questions. Because they're two different guys. Exactly. We are hanging out with both.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Ellen Dracula]

I have a wide social circle.

[Berndt]

Gollum.

[Ellen Dracula]

Gollum's in the mix.

[Scott Aukerman]

Orcs, ants.

[Ellen Dracula]

And depending on where you're at, some people throw a Dobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, why not?

[Ellen Dracula]

Odysseus can come.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Berndt]

Charlize Theron from Monster.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Ellen Dracula]

Sure, she can come. It's a big. It's a big, wide giant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sully.

[Ellen Dracula]

So Mike and Sully.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, they're allowed. They're allowed as well.

[Ellen Dracula]

The Grinch can come.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

The Green Giant can come.

[Ellen Dracula]

The Green Giant can Come. The Cat in the Hat, the Jolly Green Giant.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Be there. Honestly, we should make that list.

[Ellen Dracula]

Sure. You're welcome to ask. Who can't be there.

[Berndt]

James Woods.

[Ellen Dracula]

He can come. He can't come.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But no, it's only Katie's character.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

What if you're just an abandoned bad mood that day?

[Ellen Dracula]

If I'm in a bad mood. Depending on who can come and who can't come.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah. Like if I'm super hangry and I feel like a monster.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, oh, yeah. If you're. If you're. If you're feeling a little off that day. Yeah, you can come.

[Berndt]

Now, I would assume Mr. Hyde is invited, but probably not Dr. Jekyll.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Ex.

[Ellen Dracula]

And that's where we draw the line. That is where we draw the line. But it's a big. It's a big party. It's a big crew.

[Scott Aukerman]

That sounds.

[Joan Pedestrian]

For.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, sounds. Sounds fun.

[Ellen Dracula]

It sounds spoon. To use my husband's accent. It sounds fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so, I mean, we want to. We may want to table your question because we have to get to the matter at hand.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Which is your son?

[Ellen Dracula]

My son. Jack Dracula.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Dracula.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Jack Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

Age 40.

[Scott Aukerman]

Age 40.

[Ellen Dracula]

Looking male. Location, Transylvania's house.

[Joan Pedestrian]

His room and he.

[Berndt]

Could you say that address again?

[Ellen Dracula]

Transylvania's house.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Transylvan, Pennsylvania's house.

[Scott Aukerman]

What type of woman or whatever.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right. Anyone. Any companion.

[Ellen Dracula]

So we are looking. You know, I'm a mother. I'm a mother and a Dracula. I'd like for him to marry a Dracula, but it's not a requirement.

[Scott Aukerman]

Child rearing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I love everybody love a little Grand Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

I'd love a little Grand Dracula.

[Berndt]

That's nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you willing to do the magic to make the baby grand. Grow older?

[Ellen Dracula]

I. I am willing to do it. It makes me. Makes me sweaty. But I can't do it. I'm looking for a girl who is family oriented, good with rats. Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

So someone. Someone who is on Family Feud.

[Ellen Dracula]

We could, you know, if there's like a contestant or Family Feud, I'm sure family oriented. Anyone who's good with Steve Harvey is good with me. They can also come.

[Scott Aukerman]

But someone who's good with rats, how come that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's important?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, well, because we have rats scurrying around. They sort of do our bidding. That's also nice. That's part of what we. I mean, we're.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We're comfortable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you. To use a. I mean, I guess a term that's not very nice. Have you enslaved these?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, dear, no, no, no, no. No, it's sort of a. It's a. It's a voluntary. I would say it's more of a surf.

[Berndt]

Ellen, could you. I have to say, Scott, now, this. I know what my guests are show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Berndt]

Some of these questions, I. I feel they border on the root.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I. You know, I. If someone's slaving people, I call it out. I'm not at the Riad Comedy Festival.

[Berndt]

Well, you won't be now that you said that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, certainly not. Certainly not. But. But to jump right to. To rat slavery, that really seemed like skipping several steps.

[Berndt]

I never.

[Scott Aukerman]

She said rats do their bidding.

[Berndt]

It never occurred to me they were enslaving the rats.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I mean, it seemed like they wanted to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't say that, you know, anytime I've been. Been the boss of anyone, I haven't said, like, you know, oh, these writers on my TV show are doing my bidding. Just the verb. They are the ver. Yeah, sure they are.

[Ellen Dracula]

They're doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or else they'll get fired. But I just.

[Ellen Dracula]

If you bid those writers to. To write a task, that is. That is bidding.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not writing tasks.

[Ellen Dracula]

Well, I don't know what writers.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a taskmaster. Are you a big taskmaster fan?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right?

[Ellen Dracula]

I. I don't know. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the only television.

[Joan Pedestrian]

She just doesn't know the lingo.

[Ellen Dracula]

I don't know. These. These word. These agents. These. The. The first. Look deal. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any project was ankled. What does that mean?

[Ellen Dracula]

I don't know. I don't know. You know, sometimes you. You bite an agent's neck, you hear stuff, and. And you pick up.

[Scott Aukerman]

This leads me to another question. How. How many people have you murdered?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, gosh. Gosh. You're what? You want to know my boss Count?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure. Yeah. I know it's impolite, but, I mean, this is a podcast.

[Berndt]

Do you keep.

[Ellen Dracula]

This is a podcast for questions. I do keep track, you know.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wow.

[Ellen Dracula]

A lot of people think they don't keep track, but I have a little book I write down everybody because it's important to remember, you know, why it's important to remember every soul, I think. Oh, I love that. That's beautiful. I think it's nice. I think it's nice.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is nice.

[Ellen Dracula]

And it. It. It helps. It helps you feel okay about, you know, And. And I like to think I'm made up of all the people I've, you know, so. Almost at 14,000.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, my God.

[Ellen Dracula]

I've been. I've Been around a while. And so the number has racked up a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a giant number.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do people really taste different? Is that a thing?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, yeah. I mean.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You're kidding. Who tastes different? Thank you.

[Ellen Dracula]

Type O is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, blood type. Okay. Not by ethnicity.

[Ellen Dracula]

No, no, no.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's not what I've been either.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seemed like it. I did not.

[Berndt]

That's where my brain went. That's not where.

[Ellen Dracula]

When I. I do not see color. I do not. I.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just see blood.

[Berndt]

So vampires are colorblind.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah, I am colorblind and I can only see blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And were all of these people that you've killed consensual? They all wanted to be killed.

[Ellen Dracula]

Can't imagine.

[Joan Pedestrian]

14,000.

[Ellen Dracula]

That's where we sort of get on like an ethical. Like. But I would. What I would hit back at you.

[Scott Aukerman]

With, okay, is the United States of America so guilt free?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, exactly.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

He's trying to get into Riyadh again.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, we've done drone strikes.

[Ellen Dracula]

There is no. We are. Our hands are not clean. But you've eaten. Have you eaten a. A chicken sandwich in your life?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on, hold on. Before you move on, let me answer your question.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Can we all answer that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I appreciate.

[Ellen Dracula]

I would like everyone to come.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm trying to.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's the question you have the answer to.

[Ellen Dracula]

Have you eaten a chicken sandwich in your life?

[Scott Aukerman]

I went to a. Oh, there's a story behind it. I went to a place. Well, I'm just trying to remember. I went to a place called Chick Fil a once.

[Ellen Dracula]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I ended up not ordering.

[Berndt]

I think it's Chick Fil A, isn't it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it might be. Yeah. No, I haven't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, wow. You've never eaten a chicken.

[Ellen Dracula]

Chicken sandwich?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's with bread around it or on a bun?

[Ellen Dracula]

Yes. Traditionally it's chicken. Some. Your choice of tomato, lettuce, mayo, whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Choose one of those.

[Ellen Dracula]

You know, I mean, I've been eating people for a long time, so I'm a little out of the game, but from what I remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you eaten a chicken sandwich? This is more interesting.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Or have you. Have you eat. Suck the blood of someone who just ate a chicken sandwich? Is that what it's more like?

[Ellen Dracula]

Well, yeah, it's sort of like. Like. Yeah, like how Lacroix is like the essence of something.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right.

[Berndt]

Not quite enough.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's not quite enough to be like. Yeah, that's pomple nose. But I can taste. You know, there's been an air. There's sort of an air of chicken sandwich.

[Berndt]

Like drinking out of a dirty glass.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Got it.

[Ellen Dracula]

But a chicken sandwich is a faint memory for me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if one were to date your son, you're being initiated into a lifestyle where killing.

[Berndt]

Excuse me. Excuse me. We're not going to all.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, I mean, Doug was ready with his answer. Doug is.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's been.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Let's go around the horn.

[Ellen Dracula]

I am curious.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's go around the horn. Doug, what do you got?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I've had an open face chicken sandwich before.

[Ellen Dracula]

No way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bottom or top?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Top. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is on the bottom.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yes. Joan makes a great open face. Top. Top. Open faced chicken sandwich with raisins on the bottom. M. And I usually pick the raisins.

[Berndt]

Is it like a bed of raisins.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

And it's a bed of raisins.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's a bed of raisins followed by a little bit of mayonnaise, followed by some. Some pickled lettuce and chicken. I call it my messy bottom chicken sandwich.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then about a bun on the top.

[Berndt]

What do you call it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

My messy bottom chicken sandwich.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

The messy bottom sandwich.

[Ellen Dracula]

Messy bottom chicken sand sandwich.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's what you get after you eat it sometimes. So now, have you had it? Obviously you've had it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Unless you're cooking them and never that. I have eaten. I do want to say it is Chick Fil A, because, of course, if our listeners are listening, they know that my boys, my twins, sold that prank show to the Chick Fil A streaming service, which was a thing for a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So I do not eat from them because they turned. They. They. They passed on their project night. So I. I'm boycotting.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

That's why.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And that's the only reason I boycott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Good.

[Berndt]

Selected boycott. Not because they made you do nude scenes and burns.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you had a chicken?

[Berndt]

I have had a chicken sandwich on a kaiser roll because I cannot eat square food.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Berndt]

You don't say.

[Ellen Dracula]

No.

[Berndt]

It makes me sick.

[Ellen Dracula]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if you were to cut the square food diagonally so it's triangle?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Funny. Everyone always tries to. They always want to sort of, you know, work around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. They always want to fix your problem. You know what? I should just empathize with you. I don't mean to fix your problem.

[Berndt]

No, I. I can just like a man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Berndt]

To answer your question, I can't eat food in any other shape. No problem. Okay. It is tough when food that used to be so square has been cut into another shape.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Berndt]

Because I. I just know somehow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ellen Dracula]

Okay, so an un but unc. Well, No, I guess an uncrustable was never square. No, no.

[Berndt]

Right.

[Ellen Dracula]

See, I just wanted to make sure you can enjoy it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Uncrustable, the way we tested it is when we did this, we did the Sizzler, you know, lights out, food. And we tried, we thought maybe we could fool him then in the dark, but he could tell they heard my gagging.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

What is that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Un.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Uncrustable. That word? What is that really saying? Like, you can't crust this?

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, no. It's like how back in the day.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

It'S impossible to crust back.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know, back when we had the yellow pages and no one was swiping, there was a regular peanut butter jelly sandwich and you would cut the crusts off. But now the newer generations just needed an already ready made crust cut off.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

No, I understand it doesn't have the crust. But really what it's saying is, to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doug's point, he believes that you could tape or glue crust on it and it wouldn't be on crust.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Promise of it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, it's weird for you to explain my husband. Enemy.

[Ellen Dracula]

You're right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You got him nailed. I. I missed that one. Scott. Thank you.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Thank you. Thank you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now if someone dates your son, they're gonna have to kill people.

[Ellen Dracula]

So if they choose to become a Dracula to undergo the magic, are you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Willing to have your son date someone who's not gonna become a Dracula?

[Ellen Dracula]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just wants to be a human woman.

[Berndt]

But that's a sad life, isn't it? Because then your son will outlive his. His bride.

[Ellen Dracula]

Well, I mean, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, every couples, one of the people outlives the other one. Unless they die in a car crash or a plane crash, or a bus.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Crash or a suicide crash.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, good lord.

[Scott Aukerman]

Suicide packs. I think you die one at a time, don't you?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

If you got to time it. I guess.

[Joan Pedestrian]

If you're Rome and Juliet. Yeah.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

If you both shoot each other on the count of three.

[Ellen Dracula]

Wow.

[Joan Pedestrian]

On the couch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Difficult way to think about these things. I would be. I would be worried that. That I would shoot and before the other one would. You and I would never get shot.

[Berndt]

I'll be like a Hamilton.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, it's about trust.

[Berndt]

Then if we're doing a suicide pact.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Why you're going to do a Hamilton?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a question of trust.

[Ellen Dracula]

But so, So I would be dis. I would be disappointed. I would hold my tongue, but I would be passive aggressive all day long for the rest of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so. So.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But just goes to show your mother in law, whether You're a Dracula or not. You know, you can be a little difficult to deal with. It doesn't matter if you suckle it or not.

[Ellen Dracula]

You know, this is the thing that unites our two worlds.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It sure does.

[Berndt]

A mother in law.

[Ellen Dracula]

A mother knows. And a mother in law knows as well. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Joan, you've been dying to answer this.

[Joan Pedestrian]

To ask this question, and I don't know if this is a weird thing to sort of answer, but just the word Dracula. The name Dracula. Do we get that from the name, the novel?

[Berndt]

That's a great question.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Did Bram Stoker come up?

[Ellen Dracula]

You mean that stalker? Bram Stalker.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Did you know, by the way, I just learned last week he was gay.

[Berndt]

This is true. I didn't know that either.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He was. And he had a very good relationship with Oscar Wilde. Some say it might have even been romantic.

[Berndt]

Oh, yeah?

[Ellen Dracula]

Well then to be clear, I'm so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oscar Wilde is sort of like the template for Dracula in that novel.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I, I what? I've been reading that. If you read Dracula after you read about their relationship, it does seem very much about it. Yes, yes. Dracula's very gay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oscar Wilde. Oh, Dracula. Just.

[Berndt]

I think that even if you don't know about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So Dracula, he's up all night. He's very thin.

[Berndt]

I read that novel a few years ago because I realized I'd never read it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, you did.

[Scott Aukerman]

And there are a lot of things I've never read. I'm not just going to go one by one reading.

[Berndt]

Well, I'm not asking you to do that, guy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I hate it when you fight. You know, every time this happens. We like each other and I don't like it.

[Berndt]

We like each other and we're friends.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, you say that for a fight. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you need one more reason to read the book. Not just because you haven't read it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh my gosh.

[Berndt]

I think because I was curious about it.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

I thought that was implied.

[Berndt]

I thought that was implied. But perhaps not.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so.

[Berndt]

Perhaps not.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You were Dracula Curious.

[Berndt]

I realized I never read this manual for the Toyota Corolla, so I thought I should read it.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

You should read that, by the way.

[Berndt]

So now. But you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you're son.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's also very gay.

[Berndt]

Your, your son, Jack Dracula is, is heterosexual.

[Ellen Dracula]

My son Jack Dracula is heterosexual. Of course.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And it would be of course. Does it have to be of course?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we don't need the of course.

[Berndt]

Think we're learning something here about Ellen Dracula.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't know.

[Ellen Dracula]

I love Everybody.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

I love everybody. I wouldn't care if my son dated a, a, a, A cat or a dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's, that's not equivalent to dating a man.

[Berndt]

You should care about that.

[Ellen Dracula]

I love it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You should care about that.

[Ellen Dracula]

I just would. I wouldn't care.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unless he's a bat.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Unless he's a bat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have sex with another bat.

[Ellen Dracula]

Correct.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's what I was thinking. I think he might have more luck in the bat. In the bat. I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you should be looking for a bat for him.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I agree.

[Ellen Dracula]

A bat. And then he brings it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you have a lot of bat babies that. Be fun.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's cute.

[Scott Aukerman]

A.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's just, you know, I can't shed the dream I had as a girl of growing. Growing up, being a mommy, having a kid, having that kid, have a kid.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But I think that's still possible.

[Berndt]

Doesn't every little girl dream of becoming a grandparent?

[Ellen Dracula]

For the moment I was a little girl, I thought, I can't wait to put on that wedding dress so that someday I will age and have a grandbaby. Oh, gosh. You know, and maybe I just need to check myself before, quite honestly, you wreck yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a two step process.

[Ellen Dracula]

Because I could wreck myself, my relationship with my son.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, you don't want that.

[Berndt]

You really can.

[Ellen Dracula]

And I, I'm doing this out of love. I love Dracula. You know, I try to be. We play online. We play, you know, what's that text.

[Scott Aukerman]

Game you were miming your phone and then you picked up your phone and then you sat down your phone and restarted miming your phone.

[Ellen Dracula]

I would say sometimes, you know, it helps me remember.

[Berndt]

Oh, sure.

[Ellen Dracula]

You. You mime a computer. You type on the computer.

[Scott Aukerman]

M it again.

[Ellen Dracula]

You send an email.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it?

[Berndt]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, there.

[Berndt]

Send an email through the miming.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Through, through the miming through the m.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think there's only one person who fits into the parameters of what you're looking for, and that's Joan over here. Joan, are you willing to leave Doug and date Dracula?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Please enthrall me.

[Ellen Dracula]

Are you sure?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Ellen Dracula]

Are you sure you want me to do this?

[Berndt]

Where she's going with this?

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, listen to. It's an acting exercise. Very interested. I think I'm gonna come on out on the other side. Just mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're thinking, I don't know what the acting exercise.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I just really want to know because I've taken so many different types of classes and there's all sorts of different, you know, techniques Right. And.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, hypnotherapy, I'm sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right. Right. So I'm thinking this is like, hypnotherapy. I just want to know what it's like so that I can. If maybe I play a vampire at some point or Dracula song, that'd be great. If I play or, like, then I'll know what it feels like. Yeah. Babe, this has nothing to do with you. And I. I'm very hunchback. I just want to know what it's like. Any curious notice likes me enthralled. Am I the only one?

[Ellen Dracula]

I just want to warn you. If once you are enthralled and once you say the magic words, please enthrall me, there. There is no going back. I can't control what happens next.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, you mean, like, I can't be unenthralled?

[Ellen Dracula]

Well, I just mean what happens during.

[Scott Aukerman]

The enthralling stays in the enthralling. And legally, nothing can be done about whatever happens during the enthralling.

[Ellen Dracula]

It. It is Vegas rule because you've given consent.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's sort of like.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's Vegas rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sort of like when you do one of Those, you know, B.O. bungee jumping things, you gotta sign the waiver.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, no. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So exactly.

[Ellen Dracula]

So. But if you are ready, Joan, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think you should go for it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You do you think I should, babe? What do you think, guys? What do you think?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Babe? I think this is. Sounds a little crazy, but if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. I want to see this for myself.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

When the sun comes up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do I have to say three times? Is it like.

[Ellen Dracula]

Three times would be preferable for my lawyer.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Please enthrall me. That was the third. Do I seem together?

[Ellen Dracula]

We usually take them together, but that does fine. I love it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know what? I didn't do my tongue twister. So here we go. Please enthrall me. Please enthrall me. Please enthrall me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is pointing her claw hand. And claw, like, not in appearance, but in. Not even in shape. Had a very lovely hand. I just. I guess an attitude. Pointing right at Joan.

[Ellen Dracula]

Joan, there's a sexy vampire you might be interested in. And you should leave your husband. His name is Jack Dracula.

[Berndt]

My hair's on the back of my neck are standing up. This is. This is. This is fascinating.

[Ellen Dracula]

Joan, if you are under my control, say the code word. I'm sending you a word.

[Scott Aukerman]

Check your. Check your phone, Joan.

[Berndt]

Oh, I thought it was going to be psychic, but it's actually. You're texting us a text.

[Ellen Dracula]

My.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on. She. She was my microphone. That's how I knew.

[Ellen Dracula]

And then. And sent.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Is it? One, two, three, four.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Stoker.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, yeah. Yes. Now you are enthralled. When I am done, when I snap my fingers, you. You will do it.

[Berndt]

You will do it.

[Ellen Dracula]

Okay, now a couple. Couple more. Couple more O's for good measure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Done.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate to say you didn't snap your fingers.

[Ellen Dracula]

You didn't need it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I always.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, silence. Snap.

[Ellen Dracula]

Shoot. I always mess up that part.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What happened? What? Oh my God. My skin. My skin looks amazing.

[Ellen Dracula]

You are glowing. That's a side effect of being in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly, Joan, I don't know what it was, but you have had a glow up.

[Ellen Dracula]

You look stunning.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Really?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Did you do something?

[Scott Aukerman]

Brawling did wonders on you.

[Ellen Dracula]

The first.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And brawl.

[Ellen Dracula]

You always come out the most.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The first. Is it going to happen again?

[Ellen Dracula]

Well, if you. If you come back for another. Of course.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Why does it say Stoker on my face phone?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, I sent you a word.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Yeah, by the way, we all heard the code word.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Say it. Did I say it out loud?

[Ellen Dracula]

We change the code words every 24 hours, so that's not a problem if you know it.

[Berndt]

Ellen, can I ask you. You said when you snapped your fingers that Joan would do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, cuz she's not really doing it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't know, guys. I. No, I did. I did. I just got a text. It says. Sup? Did I text your son? Did I text Jack? Jack? Jack Dracula.

[Berndt]

You were in the enthrallment.

[Ellen Dracula]

That's.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, it's a text. On my phone.

[Ellen Dracula]

That is.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm not mber.

[Ellen Dracula]

And only you could know that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh wait, a new text just came in. It's the bad emoji and the eggplant emoji.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, my son. That dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

That absolute dog.

[Berndt]

Very.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I thought you said he was a good boy.

[Ellen Dracula]

I thought he was. Was. Now I got to go over there. Wash my son's mouth out with soap. That is just yucky. That is just yucky.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to send him a text picture of.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I think I just got sent a pic.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh my.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's a bat's penis.

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, I have to have with him. I am.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's nothing to show for scale.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh wait. It's right next to this thermometer. It's tinier than the thermometer.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, thank God.

[Ellen Dracula]

I've heard it's normal for bat size, but.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But.

[Ellen Dracula]

But that's besides the point. My Son was a dog. And I'm sorry.

[Berndt]

Oh, you should have disclosed that. Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that he was a dog.

[Ellen Dracula]

You should.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You kept saying he was a good.

[Berndt]

Boy, really building him up, and then now look what he does.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's just some skeevy texting dick pics.

[Ellen Dracula]

It's you. You know, as a mother, you think you do everything right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I hear that.

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy's a real player.

[Ellen Dracula]

He's a player. He's a bad boy. And I am. I'm. I'm furious.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Joan. Do you want Joan to be out then?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, but I love my skin.

[Ellen Dracula]

So this is the choice, Joan. Perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to continue to be enthralled?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, no, this is such a hard choice.

[Scott Aukerman]

What. What's going to happen to her if she continues to be enthralled for like the next month?

[Ellen Dracula]

If you continue to be enthralled, it looks like you're going to have an on again off again with my son, who has just been revealed to be a dog. Oh, true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dog.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

He's a good dog.

[Ellen Dracula]

Dog. Good boy, babe. Whose side are you on?

[Joan Pedestrian]

What do you want me to do?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Well, I don't know. I just wanted to stick up for the dog a little bit.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is it cuz you like my skin? You're already. You. You don't want me to go back, do you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You're rubbing her shoulders. I mean, it's creamy, milky white skin. You look like you've deaged like Martin Short and Steve Martin in this only Murders in the Building season.

[Berndt]

I thought, where did they get those young actors?

[Scott Aukerman]

You look like the Irishman himself.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wait, so you're saying if I don't do it again, is this like a subscription running out? I have to. I have to make sure that I cancel it and die. How does this work?

[Ellen Dracula]

Well, see, you got to come back to me each month for another enthrallment.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, this is how they get you.

[Berndt]

But is this like. So will she have the enthralled skin for like a week and then it'll go away?

[Ellen Dracula]

So it's like it lasts about as long as Botox does, which is, I believe, about a.

[Scott Aukerman]

You believe?

[Joan Pedestrian]

You believe. Well, she doesn't need it. She's a mortal.

[Ellen Dracula]

I wouldn't know.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wait, why would a vampire need. Need boto?

[Ellen Dracula]

I wouldn't know a thing about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

More like bat talks.

[Ellen Dracula]

I would never.

[Berndt]

More like that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is it more like.

[Berndt]

Ellen, come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on, Ellen. It's more like that, isn't it?

[Ellen Dracula]

It could be a little more like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

I've just had friends who've done it. I've had friends who've done it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

I wouldn't know anything about this stuff, but I think it lasts about. About six, four to six weeks.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that's a long time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you should just do it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, just. Just a. Once the picture's taken. But then it's gonna go away, right? It'll just wear off.

[Ellen Dracula]

You know, it'll tear off. But, you know, it's like. It's like with plastic surgery, you know, we haven't studied this stuff quite long enough.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Listen, I get it. I almost got a total face change. And that was what it was called.

[Berndt]

We talked her out of it.

[Ellen Dracula]

A total face.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Just barely.

[Scott Aukerman]

So she only does a month. We'll jacktrack it, end up and, pardon the pun, ghosting her.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

At the end of that or what.

[Ellen Dracula]

Happens, you know, he. Once. Once you are in, under. And this.

[Berndt]

In and under.

[Ellen Dracula]

In. Once you. In and under. This. This month, it. When it's over.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's such a perfect way to say that.

[Ellen Dracula]

And that's all in the contract. This is our legal. This is legal mumbo jumbo. I have to say it like this.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I have to boilerplate.

[Berndt]

Absolutely.

[Ellen Dracula]

My son will unfortunately stop talking to you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I mean, that's okay. I already blocked him. I hope that's okay. I don't want to see any more bat.

[Berndt]

Probably a smart move.

[Ellen Dracula]

Yeah, I. I understand, and I'm disappointed, and. Gosh.

[Scott Aukerman]

But if. If. If. If Joan is languid. If Joan. If Joan is enthralled for the next month or so, you can get her to do whatever you want, though.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sweet.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you could get her to do a lot of different things.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sure.

[Ellen Dracula]

But I'm a good. I'm a good person, you know, I'm.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm not like. Like you said, your boy was good.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is an ethical enthrallment.

[Ellen Dracula]

This is an ethical enthrallment. You've already signed up. I gave you the skin.

[Joan Pedestrian]

When did I. I didn't really sign anything. You said that was my signature. That was my signature.

[Ellen Dracula]

Three times. We have that in sort of.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Throw me once.

[Ellen Dracula]

That's on you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

On you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Ellen Dracula]

And throw me two times that. Well, okay.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Perspective can throw me again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Joan. Joan, I think you just stay enthralled. I mean, you look. You look amazing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you so much. I say it's really tempting to just sort of write it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if you end up doing some, like, errands for Ellen over here, Sounds.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Like such a big deal.

[Ellen Dracula]

I'm really, I'm. The most I'll do is run you to the post office.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And maybe, like, get some of the workers there for her to murder.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, dear.

[Ellen Dracula]

Well, okay. Well, yeah, you, you, you'd get me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Want to be an accomplice.

[Ellen Dracula]

You get me names of mailmen and their addresses and whatnot, but you don't have to do any, Anything you don't want to do. It's, it's just the, it's the administrative.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Work more than anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is busy headache.

[Berndt]

Well, Ellen, this, this didn't work out.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Just a basic onboarding.

[Scott Aukerman]

This must be.

[Berndt]

You must be lamenting.

[Ellen Dracula]

No, I mean, I am disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself because I thought, I thought I raised him right, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah.

[Berndt]

It reminds me of a very sad song I once heard called the Goblin's Lament.

[Ellen Dracula]

I have heard that song. It's a sad song.

[Berndt]

Very sad.

[Ellen Dracula]

I know it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I, I am so sorry that this didn't work out for you, Ellen. If you want to come back and if you end up having someone go on a date, of course, if they go on a second date, we'll pay for it. But we are running out of time. The only thing that we have time for is one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

[Berndt]

Baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell me what am I supposed.

[Ellen Dracula]

About, Baby.

[Berndt]

Tell me what am I supposed to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that was what am I supposed to Plug? By Brett Maddox. Thank you so much to Brett and obviously burnt Joan and Doug. We're plugging the neighborhood. Listen, season nine coming out Tuesday of this week, right?

[Berndt]

That's correct.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how many episodes in season nine?

[Berndt]

13.

[Scott Aukerman]

13 episodes.

[Berndt]

Lucky 13, we'd like to say.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Plus those monthly bonus rooms.

[Scott Aukerman]

The monthly bonus rooms. And those are all on CBB World. The bonus rooms are exclusive. Exclusive to CBB World. And the ad free episode's also exclusive to CBB World and. But you can get it ad supported anywhere podcasts are.

[Berndt]

And can, can we also say that we're going to be appearing once more? This.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We're coming back to California.

[Berndt]

Yes. We're going to be part of the San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, California knows how to party.

[Berndt]

January of 2026.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. January 19th, I believe. January 19.

[Berndt]

It seems so far away.

[Scott Aukerman]

And yet it's far away.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Can come see me burnt and Doug in person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that. What a thrill. Because I'm doing that right now. And it is, I mean, your skin. Hopefully.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you. By then. Oh, no, I Might have to get a second enthralman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Ellen Dracula]

I'm always here. I'm always here. Girl. Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ellen, anything you want to plug?

[Ellen Dracula]

Oh, my gosh. I. You know, I was looking for a girl. Now I'm looking for a. Someone who could come teach my sonal lesson because he's a dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

But a true dog.

[Ellen Dracula]

A true dog. But I have a friend. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. Someone says woof woof. I have to say it back. I have a friend who sometimes comes to my parties with Frankenstein and goblins and whatnot. Her name is Kylie Brakeman. You could follow her at Dead eyebrakeman on Instagram and whatnot. And an improvised Hollywood roundtable podcast called Artist on Artist on Artist on artist on YouTube and Patreon. That's something she has. That's something she's talking about. But excuse me.

[Berndt]

Wow. Something she has, something she's talking about.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Like clot in the throat.

[Ellen Dracula]

A little bit in the throat there, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Man, you're turning invisible right now. You're turning.

[Berndt]

You're turning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you squeezing those vaginal muscles?

[Berndt]

That was just me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Stop it, Scott.

[Ellen Dracula]

I cannot tell you a secret. It was the vaginal muscles the whole time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I knew it.

[Berndt]

Because you were right doesn't make it appropriate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good point.

[Ellen Dracula]

You were right. I didn't want to give it to you, but you were right. Oh, I'm disappearing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, okay.

[Ellen Dracula]

Bye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Before you go, though, I want to get my plugs out. Of course. CBB World. We mentioned it.

[Berndt]

You have to be here for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

We. I was here during hers. We have a. A lot of stuff going on this month. We have some really, uh, good, uh. First of all, you get, uh, every single episode of Comedy Bang Bang we've ever done. All ad free. We have CBB Presents episodes. Some really interesting stuff happening this month. We just put out a new Geno show episode and we have. Scott hasn't seen. Of course. This is akingtober shockingtober Frightening fest month. And so much stuff going on over there at CBB World. Yeah.

[Berndt]

Forgive me. Last year, these two guys, Byron Denniston and Andrew Lloyd Webber, watched the movie Saw.

[Scott Aukerman]

They did. Yeah. Yeah, that was a special CBB Presents.

[Berndt]

And they claimed they were going to watch all of the Saw movies and there was going to one every Halloween.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, hag has claimed eight before. Who knows what is the true website? Yeah, that's the latest famous website. But they said they were going to do it every year, so who knows?

[Berndt]

Okay, so maybe they'll do Saw two this year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps they'll do salty. Yeah. We don't know though.

[Berndt]

Watch the sky.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right. The truth is out there. I also want to plug. We have action figures Italiano Jones and Entre P? Neure action figures now on sale. They're being delivered to people. People really like them. You can go to figure collections. We also have in stock Randy Snuts and Carissa Big sue sprague, the whisperer, J.W. stillwater and Scott Aukerman. Complete your collection. European customers can go toAction Figures Seller.com and this is European customers of anything. Yes, we sell anything to Europeans. A lot of people have been wondering, oh, I missed this T shirt or this T shirt wore out. And so we are doing a throwback T shirt collection now. CBB throwback tees. We have Calvin's twins T shirts. Comedy Bing Bong TV T shirts. He Nong Man T shirts. They're [e-mail] Comedy Bang Bang.

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

These have never been worn.

[Scott Aukerman]

These particular ones have never been worn. These are new shirts. But they have the throwback designs on it. Is that what you're asking?

[Doug Korn Pedestrian]

Incredible. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Incredible. Incredible. All right, let's close up the old plug bag, grab a piece of thread and tie it up real tight. And then loosen up that thread because.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know you got it right.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not enough time. It's not enough time to. It's not time. It's not time to open up the flood. Thank you for not ending with a fart sound. That was it's not time. Parentheses closing at end, parentheses by lot.

[Berndt]

Haha.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. A lot. Haha. By the way, if you have a plugs theme, head over to cbb world.com plugs and guys, I want to thank you so much. Burnt Joan and Doug, wonderful to see you guys again.

[Berndt]

Wonderful having us.

[Scott Aukerman]

I look forward to our Ice Castles episode of Scott hasn't seen.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where we presume the main character is dead by now.

[Berndt]

It's awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Much like Chewbacca and the. And everyone involved in the Star wars.

[Berndt]

Universe was hit by a car.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Ellen Dracula.

[Ellen Dracula]

That is not me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish you more luck with your son. I know. But you know, the good thing is is he, you know, you can say he's not getting any younger, but he's also not getting any older. So.

[Ellen Dracula]

And that. And that is the. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not like. Yeah, usually for Dracula's light at the end of the tunnel, that means daylight, which is a bad thing. Is that what you're trying to say?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, I hate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we'll see you next time. Thanks.

[Berndt]

Bye. There's a reason Chevy trucks are known for their dependability. It's because they show up no matter the weather, push forward no matter the terrain, and deliver. That's why Chevrolet has earned more dependability awards for trucks than than any other brand in 2025, according to J.D. power. Because in every Chevy truck, like every Chevy driver, dependability comes standard. Visit Chevy.com to learn more. Chevrolet received the highest total number of awards among all trucks in the J.D. power 2025 U.S. vehicle Dependability Study Awards based on 2022 models. Newer models may be shown. Visit J.D. power.com awards for more details. Chevrolet Together, let's drive.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Did you know? Tide has been upgraded to provide an even better clean and cold water.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

Tide is specifically designed to fight any stain you think throw at it, even in cold butter.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yep. Chocolate ice cream? Sure thing. Barbecue sauce. Tide's got you covered. You don't need to use warm water.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

Additionally, Tide pods let you confidently fight tough stains with new coldzyme technology. Just remember, if it's gotta be clean.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It'S gotta be tide.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

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