Tooth Hings (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "Tooth Hings" (Episode 975)

Date: July 13, 2026
Guests: Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly
Host: Scott Aukerman

Episode Overview

This milestone 975th episode of Comedy Bang Bang is classic CBB, combining sharp improvisational comedy, character-driven bits, and surreal tangents. Host Scott Aukerman welcomes returning guest and beloved CBB regular Jason Mantzoukas, along with CBB veterans in character: Paul F. Tompkins (as the German salt inspector August Lindt) and Andy Daly (as sullen, percussion-less musician Dave Blynn). The group discusses everything from vacation plans and tour updates to failed music careers, dental travel tips, and the existential sadness of being stuck in comedic character bits—culminating in an on-air Maury Povich-style paternity test.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Opening Banter & CBB Traditions

• Quick-fire riffs on user-submitted catchphrases ("Thank you to Gherkin Thirst Trap for that catchphrase submission" - Scott, [01:27]).
• Extended America’s Got Talent bit: debating show names, folksy versions, and the agony of phone etiquette in the texting era ([02:09]-[06:54]).
• Jason Mantzoukas introduced as episode 975’s guest, with meta-commentary on podcast longevity.
  • “When you started in episode one, could you have even imagined getting to 975?” – Jason, [07:16]
  • Scott admits, “I thought 100 was an achievement, but man, 975…” ([07:23])

Mantzoukas Updates & Hollywood Life

• Jason is starring in Nick Kroll’s new series "Yeah, Baby", playing Constantine Papaya—Kroll and Mantzoukas are “a group of friends working inside the thought leader industrial complex.” ([10:00])
• Jason details a chaotic production schedule, running to the dentist on his day off:
  • “My two most favorite things: Comedy Bang Bang and the dentist.” – Jason, [09:45]
• Enjoys working “to bring work back to Hollywood, baby!” ([09:50])

August Lindt Returns: The German Salt Inspector

• Paul F. Tompkins reprises the eccentric August Lindt, who works at a German pretzel factory, inspecting salt.
• August’s tragic backstory: Sent away by his parents at nine to apprentice in salt inspection. Doesn’t know his birth name or parents—travels the world swabbing possible parents for DNA ([19:41]-[21:12]).
  • “I was raised by the salt inspector.” – August, [19:59]
  • “I have been looking for my lost parents.” – August, [20:13]
• Salt inspection as an existential vocation:
  • “I am devoted to my work and I am ready to deflect a swat to the head. Those are my emotions.” – August, [24:30]
• Reveals: married, only ever been with his wife, never says “I love you” ([25:01]), has a vest containing 112 tins with different salts ([28:53]).

Digressions on Tour & Live Shows

• CBB Ground Beefing 2026 Tour Update:
  • Boston postponed (“Ground was beefed. It got beefing.” – Scott, [16:11]) due to “big chunky bubbles” incident underground.
  • Announced: UK/Ireland tour with Scott, Paul F., Andy Daly. Ticket info at cbbworld.com/tour ([17:26]).
• Running bit on Scott’s supposed “anti-Boston” stance, extending into riffs on city-versus-band names ([17:01]-[17:56]).

Deep-Dive: Salt World-Building & Travel Tips

• Salt connoisseurship: August details salt sourcing (Snake Island in Brazil is the best; Dallol in Ethiopia is a close second, due to unique minerals and perilous acquisition conditions) ([32:34]-[33:09], [41:41]-[41:55]).
• German work culture joke: 10 months of vacation per year as a “moderate amount” ([18:27]-[18:33]).
• Travel tip meta-joke: Travel segment continually delayed; August never quite gives away his main tips.
• August’s wife “kept company” by his boss Mr. Schmeiderberg during his long absences; the gang interprets this as blatant cuckoldry, which August naively denies ([88:08]-[88:29], [94:00]-[94:54]).

The Musician: Dave Blynn’s Saga of Failure

• Andy Daly arrives as Dave Blynn, a percussionist forcibly “retired” from music (banned for only playing non-drum percussion, like shakers and woodblock) ([42:37]).
  • “I tried to go solo, just chimes and shakers. People said it was untenable.” – Dave, [44:04]
• Long-winded story of repeated rejections: His many failed stage names (Shaba the Hut, Jabanjavi, Tone Lock, Patois Benatar, Babylon Chaney, F and I Young Cannibals, among others) were continually rejected by dictator-bandleader Ja Paul Joe in Dread Zeppelin ([83:06]-[92:47]).
• Endlessly interrupted and sidetracked by others, mirroring the reason for his character’s career stalling—creating a meta-joke of comedian’s hell.
• Compulsive “100 times” life rule: Once something happens, he must do it 100 times (pizza, bee stings, bands left, even orgasms) ([98:06]-[101:41]).

DNA Test & Resolution

• August uses his mobile DNA kit to test if Dave is his father. Maury Povich himself (in-character appearance) delivers the results ([115:03]):
  • “Dave Blynn, you are not the father.” ([117:03])
• Dave, in a rare moment of joy, dances for the first time, declaring:
  • “I have to become a professional dancer in Molar City.” ([117:32])

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jason on show longevity:
  • “Three months of our life had been spent just doing the [How Did This Get Made] podcast.” – Jason, [07:54]
• August’s worldview:
  • “It's a lost art and it's a lost science.” (on salt inspection) – August, [19:05]
  • “I am ready to deflect a swat to the head. Those are my emotions.” – August, [24:30]
• Dave’s resignation:
  • “All I try to do is make things fun and Ja Paul Joe didn’t like that.” – Dave, [78:44]
  • “My life is ruined by holding on to this grudge.” – Dave, [85:05]
• Salt vest logistics:
  • “This vest… has 112 compartments. All Altoids containers. And how many are filled? 112 is filled.” – August, [28:51]
• On Molar City (dental tourism):
  • “It’s almost an entire town of dentists that cater to Americans coming to Mexico. They call it Molar City.” – Dave, [64:47]
  • “If I could go to Molar City and sign something via DocuSign, I’d be in heaven.” – Dave, [107:20]
• CBB group dynamic:
  • “[Dave], you have a problem with me, you have a problem with him, maybe you’re the problem.” – Scott, [86:55]
  • “This guy is getting it out of me—too many episodes. 975 is too many.” – Scott, [84:30]
• Maury Povich’s entrance:
  • “Are you ready to find out if Dave Blynn is or isn’t the father?... The results are in. Dave Blynn, you are not the father.” – Maury/Andy Daly, [115:24]/[117:03]
• Dave’s rules in life:
  • “Once I got kicked out of the first band, I was like, okay, now this is a thing.” – Dave, [98:06]

---

Important Timestamps & Segments

| Time | Segment | Highlights | |------|----------------------------|-----------------------------------------------| |01:26 | Cold open, catchphrase | Gherkin Thirst Trap; America has Talent riff | |06:54 | Introductions, meta-moment | Scott, Jason celebrate episode 975 | |09:43 | Jason’s Nick Kroll show | Role as Constantine Papaya | |12:11 | Introduction of August | Long-running CBB character returns | |19:41 | August’s origin story | Apprentice at 9, lost parents | |28:51 | Altoids salt vest detail | 112 tins, detailed pocket system | |41:41 | Salt origins | Best salt: Snake Island (Brazil), Ethiopia | |42:24 | Doug/Dave the musician | Introduced as sad ex-percussionist | |44:53 | “Untenable” career riff | On failed solo percussion career | |76:41 | Awaiting DNA test results | Maury Povich trope introduced | |83:06 | Dave’s 100x compulsion | Must do everything 100 times | |94:00 | August’s wife and boss | Cuckoldry suspicion | |115:03| Maury delivers DNA results | “You are not the father!” | |117:08| Dancing in Moler City | Dave finds joy; show “closes up” playfully | |104:21| Plugs Theme/Segment | Widows Bay plug, book deal for August, tour info |

---

Running Gags & Recurring Bits

• Endless interruptions: Dave’s story is constantly derailed, mirroring his character’s sad arc.
• August's salt obsession: Salt inspection details grow more overwrought and esoteric.
• Travel tips never quite delivered until very late, with the payoff being bleak or pointless.
• Cuckoldry jokes: August’s boss keeping his wife company escalates from “company” to outright being “cucked.”
• Meta commentary on being stuck in bits/episodes numbers: “975 is too many. I think you might think this guy’s cool. This guy…” – Scott, [84:32]
• Running “100x” rule: Dave can only do life events or consume things 100 times, then must quit forever.
• Molar City hyperfocus: Dave’s only joy, repeated as both joke and character redemption.

---

Conclusion

"Tooth Hings" is a quintessential, densely layered episode of Comedy Bang Bang—offering longtime fans a rich blend of meta humor, improvisational weave, and character-driven madness. Between Mantzoukas’s Hollywood anecdotes, Tompkins’s increasingly tragic August, and Daly’s pitch-perfect depiction of cringing failure, the episode manages to ride the fine line between farce, pathos, and biting satire on podcast longevity and performer fatigue. It’s an ideal listen for anyone who enjoys comedy that rewards careful attention and knowledge of CBB deep lore.

---

For Further Listening

• How Did This Get Made (for more Mantzoukas & the CBB extended universe)
• CBB's classic episodes featuring August Lindt or Dread Zeppelin bits
• Taskmaster S19 (watch Jason’s run)
• Bananas for Bonanza/Hey Randy/Scott Hasn't Seen (CBBWorld exclusives)

---

Additional Plugged Content

• Comedy Bang Bang Ground Beefing Tour Dates
• August Lindt’s upcoming travel tip book
• Dave Blynn’s Vimeo doc: A Song of Despair

---

End of Episode Summary

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Ondeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. Nothing beats tradition like weekly game nights at Mah Mom's house and Tostitos crafted with masa, made the traditional way, starting with whole corn kernels with flavors worth gathering around, like a hint of lime and Mexican street corn.

[C]

And no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives.

[A]

That's the Tostitos way. Bring Tostitos to your next game night and you'll be winning.

[C]

Either way.

[A]

Tostitos tradition matters.

[C]

Guess where for chicken? Pelvic floor. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

[D]

Hmm.

[C]

Thank you to Gherkin Thirst Trap for that catchphrase submission. Gherkin Thirst Trap?

[A]

Gherkin. That's a Bob Duka level moniker. Yes, Gherkin Thirst Trap.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't appreciate you imitating my stepfather that way. Yes. Sounds like Star wars name. Hey, Shibby. No, no, guys. That sounds like a Star wars name you're saying. Yeah, I guess it does.

[A]

Like in the cantina.

[C]

Imagine Job of the Hutt saying that.

[D]

Yeah, like he's a.

[C]

He's a bounty hunter. Can you do your best Job of the HUD impression? I mean, I'll try. Okay. Thanks, Chevy. That's pretty fucking good, Jimmy.

[A]

Very good.

[C]

Really think so? Yeah, it really is. You think I could go on America has talent?

[A]

Absolutely. I mean, 1 million percent. You should be.

[D]

Is it America has talent or America has got Talent?

[A]

It depends on which show we're talking about because I believe both exist.

[C]

I do believe it's neither, but I believe it's America's Got Talent. America's Got Talent? Yeah.

[A]

Which I thought it was Americans with talent.

[C]

Oh, yeah, it could be. Americans have talent. American and their talents are displayed on this stage for everyone to see. How about here's down home version? America done got talented. Yeah, I should be. I watched that.

[A]

I love your folksy attitude.

[C]

Oh, thanks, man. You're still trapped in the walls over here. Yeah, I don't think if it's trapped, though. I like it. You do?

[D]

Okay. Yeah.

[C]

I feel like bad Ronald. You're worse Ronald.

[D]

Oh, come on.

[C]

I'm sorry. What if I'm better, Ronald? Okay, yeah. So as long as you're not spying on us, just like hanging out in there. No, man, I promise y', all, I'll never spy on you. You haven't watched one single thing I've done.

[D]

Not since the first time.

[C]

What was the first time? I watched you make a fluff.

[A]

Another sandwich, and it was so uncompelling. He's never tuned back in for another episode.

[B]

It was that.

[C]

But also, you was doing it wrong. Oh, why? What was I doing? You was putting on the fluff first.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

That's a rookie mistake.

[A]

What's your order? What's your. How do you. What's. What's your process? Peanut butter.

[B]

Slap it on there.

[D]

Then get out the fluff.

[A]

Now slap it on there with a knife or with your hand.

[C]

Come on, man. You're saying then get out the fluff. You leave the fluff in the fridge until you already put the peanut butter on. Oh, sorry.

[D]

First I wake up in the morning.

[C]

Jimmy, this is the longest we've ever talked. I don't know how far back you

[A]

need to go, by the way. I love starting with the more. What time are you waking up? Yeah, I wake up like 30am because my assumption is you're not getting any. Are you getting sunlight?

[D]

No.

[A]

Do you have cues for.

[C]

My circadian rhythm is all out of whack.

[A]

I would assume so.

[C]

Do you need vitamin D of any sort?

[B]

I sure do. Pretty cool.

[D]

I need all kinds of vitamins.

[C]

I have a nice supply of it.

[A]

God damn. Refer to it as a nice supply. That's awful.

[C]

Hey, how'd you like a nice supply of vitamins?

[A]

I've got an unlimited supply.

[B]

I love talking with the boys.

[C]

I don't know that it's unlimited.

[D]

Yeah, though.

[C]

Locker room talk.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Well, yes, I think you know I'm gonna say, I think I do.

[D]

Yeah. It's.

[C]

You know what?

[D]

It gets harder and harder every time.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

A tear is rolling down Shimmy's eyes.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I'm sorry you see me like this.

[A]

This is how it happens. Shimmy walking up to us with tears in his eyes. He can't believe it's time for him to go.

[D]

I'm glad you said it so I didn't have to.

[C]

Jason, you're not going to say it. Jimmy, it's your catchphrase.

[D]

I can't.

[C]

Oh, by the way, we met your cousin or something on the road. Uh. Oh, Shammy, Shammy.

[A]

I didn't know about this.

[D]

Oh, he's bad news, that guy.

[A]

Shammy.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

What was his catchphrase again? Shammy said so. That's right. Shammy head. So, wow.

[A]

Are you guys. But you guys are not close.

[B]

No.

[C]

He kind of went off the rails

[D]

when he became a hot air balloon pilot.

[A]

Oh, of course. Of course.

[C]

That's right. We. We d. On.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

You don't need to tell me more.

[D]

First he got on the no Fly list.

[C]

Yeah. Was this in Nashville? We saw him. I can't remember.

[D]

I don't know.

[C]

Yeah. How would you know? I wasn't there.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Then he got on. I think you are.

[A]

I don't think you're a pilot if you're doing so from a basket.

[D]

Well, Sham said so.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

You're doing.

[A]

You're just doing.

[C]

I'm just literally saying.

[D]

That's what he said.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Sometime catchphrases coincide.

[B]

Did I do that?

[D]

Sometimes you gotta ask if you did it.

[C]

That's what she said. Sometimes she said it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. Shimmy. There we go.

[A]

I can't believe you just dismissed Shimmy.

[C]

I knew he wanted to go. It's. It's kind of like being on the phone when you want to go, saying,

[D]

I'll let you go.

[A]

All right, I'll let you go.

[C]

Are people on the phone any longer?

[A]

Almost none. I feel like it. The only people I see on the phone are FaceTiming without headphones or anything. Just holding the phone in public, having a loud conversation. Yeah. Or talking on speakerphone. Like, holding the phone up as if they are publicly just living in the world conversationally, which I don't understand.

[C]

There was a period of time where you could drive in your car and you could practice your monologues, or you could sing in the car and you wouldn't look insane, because people would assume you're on the phone now. And I was driving today, and I was singing a song really loudly. Can't say it's a surprise. It's for an upcoming thing. And I was practicing.

[A]

Whoa, wait. An upcoming thing?

[C]

An upcoming thing. And I was practicing, and I was, like, feeling a little in my head about it, because nowadays no one would think I was on the phone anymore because everyone texts. Maybe they would think I was doing speech to text.

[A]

Well, I guess that just goes. If you're out on the roads in Los Angeles, keep an eye out for Scott Aukerman singing in his car like a lunatic for an upcoming project.

[C]

An upcoming project. Hey, I want to say who I am. I Want to say who you are? Is that all right?

[A]

I'd love for you to do it right now.

[C]

Okay. Simultaneously. Both of our names are. No, my name is Scott Aukerman. I am the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And I want to welcome to you one of our favorite guests for episode 975. Jason Mantzoukas is back.

[A]

I mean, can you imagine when you started in episode one, could you have even imagined getting to 975?

[C]

I thought 100 was an achievement, but, man, 975. I honestly, if you would have told me you'll get to 975, I wouldn't

[A]

have cared that I'm curious.

[C]

That doesn't sound all that.

[A]

Has anybody added. I'm sure somebody has, but added up. How many hours is this? How many hours of con. How many hours in front of the mic?

[C]

If someone has done that, I feel very sorry.

[A]

Somebody did it a while ago. For how did this get made? And it was. They factored in not just the length of the episodes, but also the length of the movies that we would have had to.

[C]

Oh, interesting episodes.

[A]

And so for the total at that time, for the totality of all that stuff, it was like three months of our life.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Had been spent just doing the.

[C]

What about hanging out in the green room beforehand?

[A]

Totally, bro. Just pounding a coffee in a Twix bar.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's my writer.

[C]

It really is. I mean, you spend more time sleeping than on Mike, though, I would imagine.

[A]

Oh, that's absolutely.

[C]

That's nature's total waste of time.

[A]

Sleep.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you got to refresh your brain. You got to. You got to let it rest.

[C]

What if you didn't?

[A]

Boy, what are we talking about? The limitless drug. What are we doing? Give me that pill.

[C]

Yeah. I would love to be on the limitless drug. Add in a little PCP into it.

[A]

I think that's what the limitless drug is.

[C]

It wasn't just pcp.

[A]

I'll be honest. I'm pretty sure the limitless drug was just pcp.

[C]

Oh, interesting. Jason, so great to see you back here. Of course, we know Jason from the how did this get Made?

[B]

Podcast.

[C]

He mentioned it just moments ago. We know him from Taskmaster. Series 20, season 19. Season 19. Okay, wait, so 20 was with Kumail?

[A]

No, 21 was with Kumail.

[C]

Who's on 20?

[A]

20 was Anya and.

[C]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

Sorry, I'm spacing that cast.

[C]

That's right. I forgot there was a season in between. Yes.

[A]

But yes, Kumail's just Finished, Kumail. So funny.

[C]

Yeah, very funny. We also know you from.

[A]

Why are you looking at the computer?

[C]

Because you have.

[A]

You are friends with me.

[C]

Well, I'm not friends enough to have received this press release. A hundred percent. Nick Kroll's new comedy series. Yeah, Baby you're starring in, correct? What? Tell me about this.

[A]

She's shooting it right now, as a matter of fact. What the hell is this? Why I had to run to the dentist today because it's my only day off and. Thank you.

[C]

And you're spending it with the dentist and us.

[A]

You know my two most favorite things. Comedy Bang Bang and the dentist.

[C]

I gotta fit both of these in my day.

[A]

I gotta do it on my one day off. Yeah, we're shooting right now in Los Angeles. I love that boy, is it great. We're bringing work back to Hollywood, baby.

[C]

What I'm told is the cast will portray a group of friends working inside the thought leader industrial complex. Is that true or is that false?

[A]

Yeah, that's it. We were basically all kind of like YouTube creator, influencer type people with different types of channels.

[C]

Okay, and what's your character name? Can you say?

[A]

I. I don't know if I can say. I'm gonna say it now and then I might text you and tell you to bleep it.

[C]

Nope. And I will not.

[A]

By the way, Constantine Papaya is the guy's name.

[C]

And what does he sound like?

[A]

You know, he sounds. Okay. Excuse me. He sounds a little bit like this.

[C]

Oh, you know.

[A]

Okay. And it's a subtle. It's a subtle shade, but it's.

[B]

It's.

[C]

You raise your eyebrows like 10.

[A]

Yeah, it's mostly eyebrow work. It's. It's not going to translate over the podcast medium, but of course not for everybody tuning into the Comedy Bang Bang live stre. See what I'm doing?

[C]

Yeah. By the way, check out our live stream. It's on 24 hours a day.

[A]

Hit the live stream. You'll see what we're up to.

[C]

You'll see Jimmy in the walls just scurrying around, feeding himself with rats and like a.

[A]

An enormous series of cameras.

[C]

Yeah, he's got. He's got a 20 camera shoot down there.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And yet he's eating rats. Sell one of the cameras and buy a burger.

[A]

He's basically set up a sliver in your walls.

[C]

Yeah, sliver. Of course, the Billy Baldwin show.

[A]

Ester house movies.

[C]

Of course. Jason, when does this show come out? When can we see it?

[A]

I don't know and I don't care. I don't know. We are filming. We just started filming, so I'm gonna guess it's gonna come out in a year. I don't know. Maybe something like that.

[C]

See you in 2020.

[A]

I'll see you then. Goodbye.

[D]

Bye.

[C]

Well, it's great to have you on the show. I'm thrilled to be here.

[A]

I'm assuming this is just gonna be you and me for the rest of the.

[C]

No, actually, we have other guests.

[A]

Oh, boy. Well, let's get to them.

[C]

Y. I don't know if we've met this gentleman before. It says here he is a German person and he works in a pretzel factory.

[A]

Well, we have definitely met him before.

[C]

We've met this guy, but maybe I'm speaking of. I'm talking about a guy named August. August Lindt.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

We have met him before.

[A]

I think we've been talking to August Lindt, if I'm not wrong, for probably 15 years.

[C]

Oh, okay. Well, let's welcome him back to the show, I guess. August Lint.

[D]

Hello.

[B]

It's fond of her to be here. Y' all have been on this podcast many times.

[C]

You have? Have.

[B]

But it does not bother me to be forgotten. I'm not one of those people who gets offended when someone says, I forgot I ever knew you.

[C]

Oh, really? That happens to you a lot?

[B]

It does happen to me a lot. I'm a forgettable person and I have a face that is like. It's generic face.

[A]

I don't. I feel. See that. I feel the exact opposite as you, Scott. I feel like I very much remember August Limp because he's.

[C]

Well, you're not on every episode like I am. It just. It all runs together. The entrepreneurs, the small business people. It's like, oh, Jesus fucking Christmas. Anyway, it's great to have you back. How many times?

[A]

Jesus Christ was one of the people.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

JS have you ever had Jesus Christ on the show?

[C]

I would love to have him on.

[B]

Have you ever seen the Last Temptation of Christ? You'll get to see Jesus Christ, of course.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Based on the Nicos Kazanzakis book.

[C]

Of course. It is a dream sequence. We should make sure everyone knows that.

[B]

No, it's not.

[C]

You don't think so?

[B]

I don't think so.

[C]

Yeah, he's up there on that cross.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

He's. And he's like, gee, what if I hadn't done all this shit?

[B]

And then he climbs down and leaves. A whole life.

[C]

Well, he could. That's. I think it's implying that he could do it. But it's sort of like in the movie or in the book rather of pet cemetery where the. The guy imagines that that terrible accident doesn't befall his little boy and he imagines him all throughout his entire life and it tricks the reader into thinking that it didn't actually happen.

[B]

And then you see him fucking.

[C]

And then the dad we should.

[A]

We should mention the dad is fucking. Dead pets in the pet cemetery. I never read pet cemetery.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

So is it mostly about a dad and a son?

[C]

Yeah, in a way.

[A]

Oh, okay. I would have thought it was to be about dead pets.

[C]

Well, I mean that's a side little part of that.

[B]

I just think about how much Joey Ramon did not want to be buried in one of those true.

[C]

One of his last wishes.

[B]

I know. And yet they went and did it. He did.

[C]

That's the problem. They went and actually did it. No, explicitly said in song form. He couldn't have been more clear.

[B]

But I guess he said in his last villain testamen said I don't care where you bury me. He said, oh.

[A]

It negated that.

[B]

Well, but it shouldn't have because I

[A]

was going to say upon his death. Mustn't the reading of the will just have been a listening party of that song as it is what he wanted to have happen it.

[B]

The song lyrics was not notarized from what I understand.

[C]

Oh, you got to get those song lyrics.

[B]

Notor of law.

[C]

Oh. So they. Which pet cemetery did they bury?

[B]

The main one.

[A]

The one in Maine.

[C]

The one in Maine?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's the main one in Maine.

[B]

The main one in Maine. The very one upon a book that's

[C]

written over there in Castle Rock, of course, where they produce the Seinfeld show.

[B]

Naturally. Where Stephen King's live.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

So why wasn't Stephen King ever in Seinfeld?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Great question. Also like, how about no more Kings?

[C]

Yes, thank you. And that includes Stephen King of course. It would have been great if you're watching Seidfeld and suddenly like the stand up music like and the stand up music starts and you hear the audience laughter. And then Stephen King walks out.

[B]

Ye.

[C]

And he just tells a couple of like knock knock jokes and then a van hits him. Yeah, sure.

[A]

And then a van drives on stage and hits.

[C]

Or he gets. He gets the plant disease that he gets in creepshow or whatever.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

You know, he already showed his act. Creep show.

[A]

Why are you yelling at us?

[C]

Sorry. I get so.

[A]

I get so into just here to hang out and you are.

[C]

Is that what you're doing here, August? What, you're here just to hang out?

[B]

Not exactly. I've heard that you're going to do some traveling soon, Scott.

[C]

Oh, yes. By the way, we're on the Comedy Bang bang ground beefing 2026 tour. I did mean to say that I apologize that our Boston show got postponed. Apparently this. Someone, big chunky bubbles was making soups or something under the ground. Yeah, everything blew up anyway, we hoped underground.

[A]

So the ground was beefed. Officially.

[C]

The ground was beefed. It got beefing.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

So we're hopefully there will be an announcement soon about the rescheduling of that date as well as a couple other dates in the. Not in the general area, but around there. I love it as well. Some new dates. So we're gonna add a couple of new dates.

[B]

Don't worry about Boston. Not a big college town.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of your fan base.

[B]

That was a line from Spinal Tap.

[C]

Oh, okay. One or two?

[B]

I would say one.

[C]

There's some good lines in two.

[B]

Can you name?

[C]

Anyway, we're gonna. We're. Yes, we are going out on the road. In fact, we're going to the UK and Ireland in a week. I believe a week from today or something. Our. For our show is a week from Wednesday. So. Yeah.

[A]

So there's no truth to the rumor that you didn't do the Boston show because you are anti Boston and have like Boston Tattoo?

[C]

Oh, no, not. Not at all.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I mean, if anything like that has come up, it's because of the band.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Not the city. Yeah, same. Same as Chicago.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[C]

I have basically Boston, Chicago.

[A]

Anybody else?

[C]

Kansas. Thank you.

[B]

No problem.

[C]

The state of my pleasure Flow rider, everything all over my body. But yes, you know, we are going to go to the uk. It's going to be myself, Paul F. Tompkins and Andy Daly doing all those dates. So. Yeah, that'll be coming up. You can get all. All of those dates@cbb world.com tour. But yes.

[A]

So you will not go to Boston, but you will go to England.

[C]

The country men would rather go to England.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Than go to therapy. Isn't that strange?

[A]

That's interesting.

[C]

I'm doing the opposite of the please come to Boston.

[A]

Yeah. You are?

[C]

Yeah, I'm. What's the opposite of please? Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[D]

Who leaves? Never mind.

[C]

August, I want to hear what you want.

[B]

I have travel tips for you.

[A]

Let's get into it.

[B]

I am a very ardent traveler of the world. I have been to so many places all around the world.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Is that because you guys get huge amounts of vacation in Germany?

[B]

Not really. At the pretzel factory, I have 10 months of vacation every year.

[C]

And that seems like a lot.

[A]

That's quite a lot.

[B]

I think it's really a moderate amount.

[C]

Do you work extra hard in the two months that you are working?

[B]

Not really. You know, I'm the junior salt inspector and the senior salt inspector.

[C]

Oh, they haven't hired a junior yet. Yeah, to take your place.

[B]

I was promoted from junior to senior.

[C]

But they still wanted you to do the duties of the junior.

[B]

It's up to me to hire a junior salt inspector. I have not seen somebody who can do the job as good as I could do it.

[A]

Is this a lost art? Is salt inspection something that the next generation just does not understand?

[B]

It's a lost art and it's a lost science.

[C]

By the way, you don't want to find someone as good as you because then they will be the senior.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

You know, you want to find someone worse than you.

[B]

Believe me, Scott, I've thought about this a lot. I want to find somebody who is as good now as I was when I started, who has the passion for it and the potential for it.

[C]

And you have improved over the last. I don't know how long you've been doing this. Have we ever talked about this before?

[B]

How long I have been inspecting salt? It has been for decades.

[C]

Decades.

[A]

Were you when you started, Were you an apprentice to a master salt inspector? Like, who was your mentor?

[B]

Yes, I was apprenticed to a salt inspector at the age of nine. Oh, wow.

[A]

So you weren't. You were taken out of school?

[B]

I was taken out of school.

[C]

Is that why you get 10 months off, because you've been working since you were nine?

[B]

I suppose. My parents sent me away to Dusseldorf, and I was raised by the salt inspector.

[C]

Have you ever seen.

[A]

You were raised by the salt inspector?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Have you ever seen your parents since then?

[B]

No, I've never seen them looking for them. That's part of why I'm traveling.

[C]

Is that why you travel so much? Have we talked about this?

[B]

No, we've never talked about this before.

[C]

You've been looking for your lost parents?

[B]

I have been looking for my lost parents.

[A]

This is a platform that you could have been using to help find your parents.

[C]

All of these 17 years that the show has been on you, you could have been talking about this.

[B]

Of course I could. Have.

[C]

What are their names?

[B]

Oh, that's the problem. I have no idea.

[A]

So is August Lindt a name that you only recognize? Did the salt inspector or is it

[C]

your salt inspector's name?

[B]

Yes, Spectre's last name was Lindt. He made me a lint. Yes, that's right.

[C]

And, and has your first name always been August?

[B]

That's funny, I'd never asked him that.

[A]

Oh geez.

[C]

Give him a call.

[A]

Wait, wait.

[B]

Do you know it must have always been August. Yeah, I think.

[A]

Or was it just. Yeah.

[C]

Were you born in August?

[A]

Did you get sent to him in August?

[B]

I think I did meet him in an August. I remember it was the summer's time when I first came to live with him. The Lind family.

[C]

Okay. When's your birthday though?

[B]

It's August.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay. Well then I have no.

[A]

So this is, this is a. Why this opens so many doors. Whatever your travel tips are them.

[B]

No, I got great travel tips for you guys.

[C]

How are you hoping to see them? Are you hoping you'll recognize them when you see them? I don't know if I would remember what my parents. Do you have a picture? Do you have like a. A faded picture that you, you know.

[B]

Did you see the movie of one battle after some others?

[C]

Yes, I did. I did see that. Yeah.

[B]

I have a mobile very fast DNA kit I walk around with wherever I go. It takes like 45 minutes.

[C]

Are you a single person? Yeah.

[A]

Are you just doing random people or are you like engaging in some sort of.

[B]

Not random people. It has to be someone who looks like they could be the age of my parents maybe. Okay.

[C]

That cuts it down by like, I don't know, like 20.

[B]

Yeah. A lot of people is too old and then there's also some people that is too young. So the people that is in the middle, who could be my parents. I just say may I cotton swab your mouth?

[A]

Oh, you do? Okay. Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Oh, I'm not going to do it. I'll be surprised.

[A]

So they do give consent?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Do they have to be German?

[B]

No, not really.

[A]

Oh, do you know if they were German?

[B]

I don't know if they was Germans.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

I don't know nothing about them at all. Except that they could not. They saw in me the potential to be a great salt inspector and they sent me away to become one.

[C]

Do you think that they wanted to have you back or, or, or. And it just didn't work out. Did, did perhaps your salt inspector person put, you know, hide you away from them or something like that?

[B]

Well, I Don. No. But he has only told me. They never told me how you should find them, ever. So if he is to be believed, and I don't believe has ever lied to me before, then they simply dropped me off and said, please don't tell him how to find you.

[C]

Don't believe he's ever lied to you before. What's your opinion on Santa Claus?

[B]

Well, Santa Claus does not always come down a chimney. Sometimes if you have a fire in the fireplace on Christmas night, you know, he would burn himself to come down. And in that case, it's important incumbent upon the homeowner to open. Leave open a window.

[C]

A window.

[B]

So that him can come in there. Got it.

[A]

Did you feel like your childhood in Germany as an apprentice salt inspector? Was it happy? Did you feel fulfilled?

[C]

Do you.

[A]

Do you feel as though you've had a good life?

[B]

I suppose so. I was not treated as the other Lindt children were.

[D]

You weren't.

[C]

So there were many that I guess this salt inspector had a lot of. Of weapons.

[A]

Were they like you or were they his natural.

[B]

Well, he had biological children. He did that he treated very, very nicely. And the rest of us were treated rather differently.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Would he ever hug you? Would you ever say I love you?

[B]

Certainly not. No.

[C]

No.

[A]

So that's. That's what you're looking in, looking for your birth parents. You're looking for that warmth, that love that you never got.

[C]

Has anyone ever said that to you?

[B]

Whoever said what to me?

[C]

I love you.

[B]

Well, no, I. Please don't if that's where you're going,

[C]

because I definitely am not going very good.

[B]

Good, good. I don't think.

[C]

I'm not clearing the path. Paul Revere style for. For this to happen. I'm just wondering if this has ever happened to you.

[B]

That's good. No, I don't like those words.

[C]

You don't like those words?

[B]

No, it's okay. It would be too much.

[C]

Have you been in.

[A]

Do you experience the emotions that those words represent? Is it just the words or are you uncomfortable with those emotions?

[B]

No, I don't think the most of me emotionally. I am devoted to my work and I am ready to deflect a swat to the head. Those are my emotions.

[C]

Have you ever been in a romantic relationship? And if so, what's your body count?

[B]

My what?

[C]

Your body count.

[B]

What do you mean by that?

[C]

How many chicks you been with?

[B]

I am married and I have been with that chick only.

[C]

Okay. And you've not said I love you to other. Each.

[B]

Each other? No. Absolutely not. No.

[C]

Not at the wedding, not in post coitus, anything like that?

[B]

No.

[A]

If you were to find your parents, what would you ask them? Like, what would be the. You know, you swab these people, it's.

[B]

It.

[A]

The kit comes back positive.

[C]

45 minutes of tension, it's never. It's never.

[A]

What do you imagine happens next?

[B]

Well, I carry around. I could show it to you. It's a little tin.

[C]

Do you want to swab us, by the way, while. While you're waiting or.

[B]

Okay. I think you're not quite in the range of ages for me.

[C]

How old are you? I can't quite.

[A]

This is actually a good question that. I also was wondering.

[B]

I would love to know exactly how old I am.

[C]

Oh, you don't know. You just know. At 9, you were saying?

[B]

I believe I was 9. But come to think of it, I have so few memories from before that time that maybe I was younger.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I don't know. But anyway, yeah, so I'm probably like, in the late 40s or 50s or 60s.

[C]

Have you watched A Song of Hope, the Dread Zeppelin documentary?

[B]

Yes, I have seen that.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Have you seen Hooligans?

[C]

Yes. The who cover band?

[A]

The who cover band that you only gain access to when you turn 60?

[B]

No, I have not seen that.

[C]

Okay, so you're somewhere in that range.

[B]

I'm between 50 to 60.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay, good to hear.

[B]

I carry around a little tin of the best pieces of salt I have ever found. And if I meet my parents, I would like to show them these pieces of salt and let them taste them to show them that they did the right thing.

[C]

Do you mind if we.

[A]

He's crying again. He's so emotionally available this time.

[C]

Look, I mean, this is what Comedy Bang Bang is all about, is asking the tough questions. There are no PR people here, you

[A]

know, by the way.

[C]

Like, Intercept.

[B]

Yeah, my handlers were told not to come in.

[C]

Yeah, you have a huge team.

[A]

You have a massive entourage.

[B]

I know I do. The whole team was told you must stand out in the driveway.

[A]

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't understand why a salt inspector needs a stylist. Yeah, that seems like you have a

[C]

lot of hangers on. You have a guy named Tortoise.

[B]

Yeah, Tortoise is Turtle.

[C]

It's like he's a boyhood friend.

[B]

He's just kind of. You got it. Can't go nowhere without Tortoise.

[A]

Your brother, Jimmy. Comedy.

[B]

Naturally. Of course.

[C]

And then, of course, there's f. Your manager.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Boy, it's hard to be my brother, you know, to be the brother of a senior salt inspector. Yeah, it's difficult, you know, but he gets chicks because of it.

[C]

Do you mind if we take a

[D]

look at this salt?

[C]

This is. It's a. You have a little tiny tin here.

[B]

Yeah, it's an Altoids tin.

[A]

And so. So when you come across like a. A particularly perfect piece of salt, you keep it. You take it out. Now, is that theft?

[B]

Oh, is it theft from the company? No, because I always will go right to my boss, Mr. Schmeiderberg, and I will write him a check for whatever he considers to be the value.

[C]

By the way, do you. Do you also have Altoids in your pocket?

[B]

I have a loose pocket of a loose Altoids.

[A]

Altoids are out of the tin, the salt in.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

So you never confuse. You never let, like, you know, say, oh, I need a mint and open up your Altoids tin and pop in your salt accidentally.

[B]

Honestly, something like that could happen.

[A]

Are you ever tempted? I'll say, if you're out to dinner at a restaurant and your meal is.

[C]

You need bland food, are you ever

[A]

tempted to take one of those perfect flakes? And just.

[C]

And they say, like, you go, hey, could I have some table salt? And they're like, oh, we're out today.

[B]

Oh, no, no. This is. I have several small Altoid tins of different kinds of salt.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Some of the salts I have is to season my food in a restaurant.

[C]

Okay, so wait, do you get. Do you get these confused?

[A]

Boost how many tins of salt I. I have?

[B]

Well, let's see.

[A]

I mean, you do. You do have a John Popper style vest.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I will say, there are no harmonicas.

[A]

There are super quick. Is there a Blues Traveler cover band?

[C]

It should be.

[B]

I had this made special. You know, this vest, it has 112 compartments.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

All outwards containers.

[C]

And how many are filled?

[B]

They are. 112 is filled.

[C]

Oh. So every single one is settled.

[A]

And how do you. How do you differentiate? How do you. Or how do you remember which is which?

[B]

Because they each have a particular pocket that they go in.

[C]

We got to make sure we remember this for your action figure, by the way. The. Yes, the hell toy. Okay.

[B]

If it's too hard to make, I don't always wear it.

[C]

So you've never gotten confused one day where you're like, this food's too bland and you take out the wrong Altoids tin and you've put on.

[B]

It's literally impossible for this to Happen it is.

[C]

Is there some sort of mechanism by which you're like if, say, you accidentally reach for it, it's. It's like a fail safe where it's locks up or something. Like sort of like in war games where you need two soldiers to open up the 110 or something.

[B]

I don't need any soldiers. No? No. I have an incredible memory. I have memorized the pockets on the vest. I know exactly which pocket goes with which ones.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

There's no possible how much. Okay. So each tin, I'm assuming is a dip contains the flakes of a different kind of salt.

[B]

Yes, of course.

[A]

And so how many of those. How many of those varietals are being used on pretzels of these ones?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Not enough. Damn.

[A]

Oh, so this is your private collection.

[C]

So this is salt that's not. Does not come from the factory other than the one tin that does come from the factory.

[B]

Yes, some of it comes from the factory and some of it is salt I have found amongst my own in my salt findings.

[C]

Why is some of it in the factory of the. If none of these are used on pretzels, what kind of salt would be in the factory if it's not going to be used on.

[B]

It's extraordinary you're so flaunting your ignorance of how salt works in a pretzel factory. The salt comes to me, I inspected to determine whether it is salt suitable for a pretzel or whether it is not good enough to go in a pretzel or too good to go in a pretzel or whether it's intended purpose in the world is for something else.

[A]

You said something interesting to me. You said salt comes to you. You from where?

[C]

Well, we talked about this, I believe, on one of our last episodes. Doesn't it come from someplace in Africa or something like that?

[A]

And do all these different salts. Are you. Is part of your traveling going to different places to find different salts?

[B]

Yeah, I do that.

[A]

Are you like a prospector for salt?

[B]

I do a lot of sourcing my own salt.

[C]

I think at one point we were trying to get you maybe to move there because you're so good at that part of the job. Like, why do they need you as the inspector? Also, the other thing I was trying to figure out, one of the last times you were here here is you are inspecting the salt from its source. Why do you need to reinspect it once it gets back to the. To the.

[B]

Because you don't know what will happen in transit.

[A]

I mean, like, you got to have humidity.

[C]

Don't do the first step.

[B]

What do you mean, don't do the first step?

[C]

Have them send whatever salt to you and then you inspect if you're not.

[A]

I'm not even an expert, and I know what you're saying is absolute dog. It makes no sense.

[C]

The guy I don't want to relitigate expert.

[A]

You barely remember.

[C]

It seems like you could cut out one of these.

[B]

Do you think Michelangelo sends me any old slam? See, he says, please send me tiny old slab of marbles and I'll make it into the David.

[C]

I'm sure he has to pick which one has David inside of it.

[B]

Of course. Exactly. That's what I am doing.

[C]

But do you think he goes and picks the slab and then he has someone carry it over there and then he reinspects the slab of like, is this the slab?

[B]

Of course he does.

[A]

Well, my guess is he probably picks a bunch of slabs, has them sent over, and then picks from the ones that have survived the trip which one he's gonna make the David out of.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. That's what he does. That's what I do. I'm just like a Michelangelo from salt.

[C]

Okay, ok, I apologize. I apologize.

[A]

Where? Where? Like, like. And forgive me if this is material that's already been covered, but where does the best salt come from, in your opinion?

[B]

Well, the best salt, in my opinion, comes from Snake island in Brazil.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

It's extremely dangerous there.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

Because of the snakes.

[C]

That's what we do.

[B]

Because of.

[A]

Yeah, I'm assuming because of the snakes.

[C]

I mean, it's right there in the title, Snake Island.

[B]

They're the most venomous snakes in the world, and they live up in the trees and they drop down on you.

[D]

You.

[B]

And they. All they want to do is bite you. All they want to do is bite you.

[A]

You can't reason with this sitting right there. That's an Indiana Jones movie waiting to happen. He hates snakes.

[C]

Isn't this hard target as well? What's the Jean Claude Van Damme movie with a snake in it?

[B]

Universal Soldier?

[C]

No, it's love God, I'm not sure. He grabs the snake behind her.

[A]

Just like RFK Jr did recently.

[C]

Exactly, Robert.

[B]

No

[C]

snakes around.

[A]

All I wanted in that video was to have to watch him eat those snakes.

[C]

I want to see the snakes eat him. That's so interesting.

[A]

Even better.

[C]

We're opposite in that way.

[B]

How about that remake of Anaconda?

[C]

How about it?

[A]

How about it?

[C]

How about it?

[A]

Did you like it?

[B]

No, I Considered it unnecessary.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[C]

It went a different way, though.

[B]

No, you.

[C]

You got to do Scott hasn't seen with me. Are you.

[B]

I would love.

[C]

I had no idea you were such a center file.

[A]

Yeah. Are you a big film buff?

[B]

Oh, you'll bet. You're believing I'd buff any film.

[A]

Have you seen the Salton Sea?

[B]

Sea? The Salton Sea?

[A]

Yeah, the movie the Salton Sea with Val Kilmer.

[B]

No, I don't see that one.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Is that because. Hey, I'm not at work.

[A]

How about Salt Burn?

[B]

Yeah, forget that one. That's a perfect example of a movie I'm not gonna see.

[A]

You're not gonna see it because the

[B]

idea of burning salt is terrible.

[C]

It's like. It's. It's too much. It's like heartburn. It's like having too much salt. Have you ever had saltburn where you're like, oh, God. Like, are your. Are. Is your blood pressure okay?

[B]

Oh, I will never look at it.

[A]

Wait, do you go to the doctor?

[B]

No, certainly not.

[A]

Never.

[B]

I don't believe in them. Why would you go to the doctor? All they do is tell you, either everything is fine, keep doing what you're doing, or everything is bad, change what you're doing. And I don't want to do that.

[A]

That is not what doctors say. Like, both of those things are fundamentally not right.

[C]

I mean, they. They either say everything you're doing is great. Come. You know, you don't need to see me, or you're going to be dead soon. And either one of those is like,

[B]

what's the point of knowing it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I live my life giving you measurable ways to. To improve your life.

[C]

Also, like, say you get hit by a car. They didn't see that coming, did they?

[B]

That's right.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Well, they're not.

[B]

Find a doctor. If you could find one that did

[C]

see it coming, there should be a psychic doctor.

[A]

I love this, and I'm shocked that there hasn't been one on this show in 975 episodes.

[C]

All right, we'll see what happens next week.

[B]

Next week.

[A]

Next week, a psychic doctor and Jesus fucking Christ, August.

[C]

I don't know that we have time for these travel. Travel tips, but it's your funeral. Maybe we'll get to him after the break because we do need to take a break. Because what kind of a break?

[A]

But I will.

[B]

Commercial break.

[A]

Before we go to the break, I will say, if you're out there and you think maybe you are August, Lynn's parents get in Touch with the show.

[B]

Yeah, I think if. I think if you are August Lynn's parents, you probably know it. You know what I mean? Because you would have a memory of dropping off a child with assault inspector in Dussel. But maybe his name was born in August.

[A]

Maybe you weren't August.

[C]

But much like the musical, this has happened to a lot of kids at around the same time. Right. You were there with a lot of orphans.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

Is it possible, like, what's the possibility that August Lint was not German? That before 90 years old, any other language?

[C]

Like,

[B]

I don't even really think,

[A]

like, what if, what if August Lyn's parents were. Were British or American and dropped him off at Schmeiderberg Pretzel factory?

[C]

Could be.

[A]

And he was raised thinking he was German. Yeah.

[C]

You could be a Spaniard.

[B]

Anything is possible, you guys.

[A]

You could come from the Basque country, of course.

[C]

That's right. You could come from.

[A]

Wait, that was pretty. Wait a minute.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

How did you know to do that?

[C]

It's possible.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[C]

Say Ibiza.

[B]

Ibiza.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

There's no other way to say it.

[C]

All right, well, we do need to take a break if that's okay. In August we'll try to get you get to your travel tips here, but we're going to take a break. When we come back, we also have a musician is here. This is. Do you like music, August?

[B]

Not in the slightest.

[C]

Okay, well this is gonna be a tough segment. Tough B block for August. We're gonna take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Jason Manzoukas, more August Lint and a musician. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence. Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer, and get paid all in one place. I hate going to a separate place to get paid. Now you can get paid right there at Squarespace. Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services and get paid. With built in scheduling, invoicing and email tools, you can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates. No experience needed. Plus, built in SEO helps fans and clients find you. While custom domains keep your brand polished and secure, Showcase videos, promote events, or even monetize content. Everything is designed to help you grow your audience and your business. Check out squarespace.com bangbang bang for a free trial. And when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Summer, Summer. Summertime. Summertime. Boy, summer is here. Long summer days. They're great, right? But they can come at a great cost. Is the cost worth it? Let's discuss. So, like, what are some of the costs? Overheating, making it harder to keep up with your crew or your family. Sweat spots you hope no one sees. Or maybe straight up swamp ass. As summer plans heat up, stay fresh from sun up to sundown with Mack Weldon's Airknit X fabric. Mack Weldon's Airknit X fabric is a summer staple. Let's break it down. How did this start? It started with underwear designed to wick moisture, fight odor, and give you maximum airflow. Now they're expanding that bestseller to a full line of essentials. Mack Weldon's pieces are classic, always in style, and made from the world's most comfortable performance materials. They're designed to fit your style and the demands of modern life. Now look, I got some of this Airnate X collection. I mentioned swamp ass earlier. What's the opposite of swamp ass? I guess the opposite of a swamp is desert. And the opposite of ass is. Well, I don't want to say that, but anyway, I have whatever. The opposite. The opposite. The swamp is it. Oh, the swamp is it. Of swamp ass. They fit. They look good. They make me feel like a million dollars back in 1920s dollars. And they give me a confidence boost knowing I look good. So don't sweat the heat. This summer, feel as effortlessly cool as you look with macwell. Go to mackweldon.com and get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code Bang Bang. That's m a c k W-E-L--o-n.com code bang bang.

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[C]

mobile.com comedy bang bang we're back. Jason Manzoukas is here. The New England Manzoukas is.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And we also have August here, who is here to give us some travel tips as we are going to the UK and Ireland very soon. You've been to Ireland? I. I can't recall.

[B]

Of course I've been to all of this. Places you've been to. Everywhere I've been to. You name a place, tell me if I've been there.

[C]

Texas.

[B]

No, I've not had the chance to go yet to Texas, but name.

[C]

Name another place.

[B]

Any other place.

[A]

Lisbon.

[B]

Lisbon. Yes, I've been there.

[C]

You have it? Okay. Chile.

[B]

Yes, I've been to Chile.

[C]

You've been. Okay, great.

[B]

Yeah, I've been there. By the way, I wanted to say also really good salt from the Dana Kill depression in Ethiopia, which is a burning salt in sulfuric acid within the Dana.

[C]

Right. That May.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You just wanted to just like, set the record straight.

[B]

Yeah, I gotta set a record straight on that. But Snake Island. Don't sleep on Snake Island.

[A]

Saltwise, but literally. Also don't sleep.

[B]

You'd never go to sleep on Snake Island. Forget about it. You gotta stay 100% awake.

[A]

And if you do, you better be real high in those trees.

[B]

Oh, forget it. You couldn't. There's no way.

[C]

Well, we do need to get to our next guest. We'll get to your travel tips, August. But.

[A]

Well, I mean. I mean, a tour boring musician, I'm assuming probably travel tips are applicable to

[C]

him as well as travel tips. Yeah, let's talk to him. He's a musician. Please welcome Dave Blynn.

[D]

Hi, Scott. Thanks for having me.

[C]

Hi, Doug. Hi there. This is Jason.

[D]

Okay. How are you?

[C]

So good to meet you. You're a musician?

[D]

Well, I'm a. I'm a former musician.

[C]

Oh, no, you. You forgot how to play music.

[D]

Which question do I have to answer first?

[B]

Which was the.

[C]

Take them in order. Yeah. You retired or.

[B]

And.

[D]

Or it was sort of forced retirement. O. I may have forgotten how to play music, but that's not why I stopped playing it.

[C]

What instrument do you play? Did you play?

[D]

I did play all the percussion instruments that are not drums.

[A]

Okay, so congas and bongos.

[D]

No, too close to drums.

[A]

Shaker.

[D]

Shaker, yeah.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Triangle chimes.

[B]

Triangle tambourines.

[C]

Xylophone.

[D]

I. I can. I can fake it on a tambourine, but I'm not great. Cowbell, wood block.

[C]

Tambourine's hard.

[D]

The scratch. Scratcher.

[A]

The scratcher.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Castanets.

[D]

Castanets. Thank you.

[C]

When you. What's the scratcher? Is that, like, lotto tickets? What are you.

[D]

It's. It's not lotto tickets.

[C]

I'm sorry, Dave. Did I insult you?

[D]

What? No, I was just confused by that question.

[C]

You're confused? Oh, yeah. I. I don't know what the scratcher is.

[A]

It's so tense. Right?

[D]

No, no, please. I. I know it's my energy.

[C]

I'm not.

[D]

I. I'm not trying to. To.

[C]

Everything all right, Dave? I mean, you say it was a forced retirement. Are you going through something right now?

[D]

I've been going through something for Decade, decades.

[B]

How can you force somebody to retire from music?

[D]

You get kicked out of a band, and then nobody else wants you in their band. Nobody.

[A]

Oh, what? Can't you start your own band?

[D]

I tried to do that as well.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

And nobody wanted to be in that band.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[D]

I tried to go alone as a solo artist and just people. Yeah. And that does not play drums. And people said that was untenable.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

When I. When I would try to get gigs, I don't sing very well at all. Jeremy Piven.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

And I would. I would go to venues that. That I had, you know, played with my previous band, and I'd say, hey, I'm solo now. And they said, you just. You just, like, hit the chimes and stuff and the, like, the shaker. I said, yeah. And they said, well, this is untenable. You can't do this.

[B]

You said that to your previous band. You said, hey, guys, I'm solo now. You were hoping for them to say, oh, no, you're going to beat us.

[D]

If I'm honest, yes, that is what I was hoping they would say. And what they said was, good for you. And also, I think that your solo career is untenable.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

So, I mean, but, like, I'm here, so I hear a lot of untenable.

[D]

I heard that word so many times clearly.

[A]

And it's started.

[D]

It started to, like, just sound like nonsense.

[C]

Did. Yeah. Did they get tired of saying it? I mean.

[D]

No. Nobody got tired of saying it. Love saying it to me.

[A]

Did anybody have any issues, catch up

[D]

with me and say, hey, how's your untenable idea for a music career?

[A]

Like, what would make it tenable is my question.

[D]

If people wanted to see it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. And that's where. That's where they were coming from, was that nobody wanted to see what I had to offer.

[C]

God, that sounds terrible. It was terrible.

[A]

Untenable.

[C]

Sorry, can I ask.

[D]

It was untenable as. As it turns out.

[C]

Can I ask. Can I ask you. And feel free to say I can't say it on mic or whatever, but

[D]

I'll say anything you'll say.

[C]

Okay. Do you mind?

[B]

Team is out in the driveway, too.

[C]

They're. They're waving their arms, saying, no, no, no.

[D]

I'll say. I'll say whatever you want me to say.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

I mean, I'll say. I'll say things that aren't true. You can tell me what. Whatever.

[C]

Well, tell us. Tell us defeated.

[B]

I mean, this is the sound of a defeated man.

[D]

The stuff that I want to say will be true, but if there's anything you want me to say, it doesn't have to be true.

[A]

So we could just put words in

[D]

front of you and you.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

So cameo rules. Basically, we can just write whatever for you to say. Okay.

[D]

I don't care.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Would you say, august, I am your father and I love you?

[D]

Yeah. You ready for me to say right now?

[B]

Okay, wait. Not that second part. Just the first part. Dust, I am your father. Father.

[D]

August, I'm your father.

[B]

That's wild. That's wild.

[C]

Do you. Do you want to get out the DNA, kid?

[B]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. How old.

[C]

How old are you? Do you mind me asking?

[D]

Well, I'm old enough to have seen a certain documentary and.

[C]

Oh, so what about the other documentary?

[D]

Old enough to have seen a second certain documentary.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

And nearing an age where I would see a third documentary.

[B]

Holy shit.

[C]

I think this guy is old enough.

[A]

This guy might be old enough to be your dad.

[B]

Let me get my One Battle after

[A]

another, kid, when you were with your band.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you guys ever tour Germany or anything like that?

[D]

I did not get a chance to do that.

[C]

Oh, I have. I have a question.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you ever send a kid over to Dusseldorf to be a salt inspector?

[B]

That.

[C]

Maybe we'll narrow that down.

[D]

Did I ever send a what? A kit.

[C]

A child.

[D]

A child. Oh, a kid.

[C]

Yeah. Not a. Not a baby fox.

[D]

I mean, I did. I did have. I did have a few children out of wedlock that I was not really ready to be a father. Oh, believe me, people told me that too. Yeah. They said it's untenable.

[A]

Untenable sins.

[C]

And so. And so you were not ready to be a father.

[D]

Yeah. So I would say six or seven children. I probably gave away.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Gave away? What kind of giving away?

[D]

Well, if people wanted a child, I would say I have one.

[C]

So, like Ma and Pa Kent style, just.

[D]

Yeah. One.

[C]

We've been praying for a baby, honestly.

[D]

One I did put in a fake space capsule.

[C]

I went to.

[D]

I went to this couple that I knew and I. They had a big, big, you know, property. And so in the. In the. Behind their house, I did dig like a kind of a hole, like to make it look like this. Space gaps, look like a trench.

[A]

And were they. They had trouble conceiving. And so was this like a. A real boom? Yeah.

[C]

How did you make the space capsule? Was it like paper mache?

[D]

I just built it up. Paper mache? Yeah.

[C]

Did it fly?

[D]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So do these people believe to this day that they are raising an alien child or that they have raised a space alien child?

[D]

They probably know by now he's not an alien because he can't do anything.

[A]

Here's what I'm going to.

[C]

As far as you know.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What I'm going to say, and no offense, because I'm sure, I'm certain your dreams are your dreams and they cannot be changed.

[D]

That's so true.

[A]

But if you can invent flying papier mache space spacecraft, you don't need to be a precaution.

[D]

Okay. If it's flying, I should say because it was so lightweight, it's just that the wind kind of picked it up.

[C]

Oh, you threw it up in the air.

[D]

Because if you build. If you build, you know, an internal engine out of paper mache, it's not going to work.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

As far as we know.

[D]

But I did.

[C]

You did build the. All of the engine.

[D]

I built it as if it were an actual space capsule, all out of paper mache.

[B]

Did it run on any kind of fuel? Open wide, please.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, that's not supposed to taste good. It's cotton.

[D]

Just supposed to feel good. It did feel good.

[B]

Nice and Soft.

[A]

And. So this is the DNA test. Does it test for anything else?

[B]

Oh, yeah, it tests for all the major STDs.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Cool.

[D]

Hey, you were gonna ask me if I. About something?

[C]

Oh, yeah. This is probably not important. How long does this take, by the way? August.

[B]

Exactly. As long as. If you have. Oh, okay.

[A]

We'll find out during plug.

[C]

So I guess maybe the minute the plug bag is closed.

[B]

Something like that. Something like that, yeah.

[C]

Dave, I. I was gonna ask you, and this is probably.

[D]

No, you can call me Dave.

[C]

I can't call you Dave. Yeah, sorry. That's the only name I have. Dave.

[D]

Yeah, you can call me that.

[C]

I will. Is that okay?

[D]

Yeah, no, I'm telling you it is.

[C]

Well, okay.

[A]

It's still so tense.

[B]

I know there's something about him.

[C]

I will. I will call you Dave. Thank you.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Please do not.

[D]

Yeah, that's my name.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I would say that the. The permission to call you Dave was implied when my producer gave me your name. And that is the name that you gave to my.

[D]

Oh, right. But I did.

[C]

To me.

[D]

I didn't know. I. Look, I. I can't read mine, so I don't know if you were feeling.

[C]

You can't read minds?

[D]

I don't think so.

[A]

So you're not.

[C]

What. What am I right now, man?

[D]

I don't know.

[C]

I'm thinking. You're irritating, man.

[D]

I don't understand. What's happening?

[C]

Nothing.

[D]

Nothing.

[B]

Nothing.

[C]

I'm sorry. Look, I apologize.

[B]

I have a question.

[D]

I guess. I accept your apologies.

[B]

I have one. I can't believe we haven't asked it yet. I think the most obvious questions.

[C]

Oh, is it the one I was gonna ask?

[B]

Maybe. What's the question you haven't asked?

[C]

Let's say it on three. No. Let's count down from three.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Three. Nose. One.

[B]

What?

[C]

Three knows. One.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Then we do it like that.

[C]

Ready?

[A]

Three knows one. Box of the best drummer.

[D]

So you're the only one that actually had the question. You didn't ask it?

[A]

You didn't say anything?

[C]

I got as far as what? And then I was raptured by. I didn't know you were gonna talk.

[A]

You wanted so badly to hear what everyone else was saying because you can't listen and speak at the same time.

[C]

Yeah, sorry. Anyway, can you answer mine last? Mine was what?

[D]

Okay, what? I don't know. Boxers or briefs. I would say if you're gonna use either of them for carrying stuff, you're gonna. Either way. I would say boxers because you could tie the legs Into a knot, and

[B]

then you could carry your body. Oh, I don't.

[D]

I don't wear underwear.

[A]

Oh, you free ball.

[D]

Yeah, I'm cool.

[A]

So for you, boxers or briefs, it's just a question about how to transport items.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

People. It's mostly people expect to create a

[D]

bag, give me underwear for Christmas.

[C]

You don't own any bags.

[D]

Why keep. People keep giving me this underwear, and

[A]

you fashion it into some sort of, like, bindle. Yeah.

[D]

Well, I was like, what else am I gonna do with this? And I was like, I know what I'll do. I'll. I'll sew the leg shut. Yeah. And then I can carry.

[A]

Oh, so you go with. So you go as far as sew them shut.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

That must take a lot of time. Just buy it time to.

[D]

To sew the legs of boxers to clothes.

[C]

How much time? Like, at least 20.

[D]

I listen to a podcast. I watch a TV show.

[A]

What podcast are you listening to? I'm so curious.

[C]

A guy, like, watch Yellowstone, by the way, are you a dad?

[A]

Are you watching Dutton? Dutton Ranch?

[D]

You know what? I don't have any children. I've given them all away. But I do watch everything in the Taylor Sheridan version.

[A]

Let's get into it.

[C]

You are a father genetically, and that's.

[D]

Yeah, I think that's what happened.

[A]

I also don't have children, and I'm well versed in the Sheridan verse.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

When you go to Trader Joe's and you bring your own shopping bags, are they underwears?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And what do they say? Anything about that?

[D]

They ring that bell. They ring that bell.

[C]

They ring the bell every single time you go in.

[D]

Yep.

[B]

How many bells is that for underwear bag?

[D]

Oh, they go crazy. You think it's like the British are coming. You know what I mean? They're. They're clanging that bell.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Like, it's. You know what the. That movie with what's her name?

[C]

You're gonna have to be more specific.

[B]

Joan of Our Woman in a movie.

[D]

That's. I think that's all I got.

[C]

A woman in a movie with.

[D]

What's her. Where they ring the bell.

[A]

Aaron Brockovich.

[C]

Did they ring a bell?

[D]

Aaron Brockovich? Probably somebody.

[C]

Probably at the end of the trial there.

[A]

I think so. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, I bet. I bet a doorbell got pushed at some point. For sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

The best drummer. I can tell you who it's not. I got two. I got two candidates for who it's not.

[A]

Oh, wow. So you've got a worst list. Not a best list.

[B]

That.

[A]

That jibes. With your general demeanor, it's certainly not cheap cheese.

[C]

Cheese.

[B]

Cheese.

[D]

Certainly not fresh cheese.

[A]

Oh, wait a minute.

[C]

These. These names are ringing a bell.

[D]

Certainly not. It's certainly not Ziggy. Gnarly.

[A]

Oh, Zig. Okay, I think we do know a little. This is a little bit interesting.

[D]

It's certainly not Ed Zeppelin.

[C]

Oh, I mean, I know who that is.

[A]

Hey, Dave, can I ask you a follow up, if you don't mind? Since I asked about drummers.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you always gone by the name Dave Blynn?

[D]

No, I had a. I had a few different names.

[A]

When you were playing drums, or were you playing percussion? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[D]

So I was in a band.

[C]

Why do you not want to play drums?

[A]

Oh, you look so upset.

[D]

Oh, there's so much to like. Like assemble and disassemble.

[C]

Oh, okay. Like the Avengers.

[D]

You have to keep a beat.

[A]

Percussion, too. There's a lot of elements to it.

[C]

I mean, I guess if you have a couple of.

[D]

You don't have to use them all at once, though, you know what I mean?

[A]

I. Huh.

[C]

If you have a couple of shakers, I guess you take them out of the case. What?

[D]

Yeah, I. Here's the thing. My percussion setup is I have a big box, all the percussion in there.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

And so if I need something, I just pull it out.

[A]

Pull it out.

[C]

So it's almost like you're like. Like a 20 year old sketch performer who has all of his costumes and

[A]

props in one box and you hang a clothesline across the stage and put hats and wigs on it and pick them off.

[D]

What?

[C]

I.

[D]

Man, I've never met anybody like you guys. You're really interesting.

[C]

Thank you. Okay, well, I. I do want to ask.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Because I feel like you listing those drummers whose names are familiar and one percussionist. Yes, their names are familiar to the.

[A]

You know that we didn't kick you out of any band.

[B]

Like.

[D]

No, I'm not mad at you guys.

[A]

Okay, You.

[C]

You're not mad at us?

[A]

You seem like you're mad at us.

[D]

I was intentionally trying to invert. Avert my eyes and invert them.

[C]

You were trying to invert your eyes?

[A]

What is that?

[C]

So you can see your brain.

[D]

I've been trying to do that for years.

[B]

If you could put it off, it would change everything.

[A]

Here's the thing.

[D]

I don't believe that's what our brains look like.

[A]

That's the limitless.

[C]

You don't think that's what they look. I don't think it's Cut people's heads open. They know what I think.

[D]

That's a prank.

[A]

What do you think?

[C]

Do you think it's like guacamole? When you open it, it suddenly shrivels?

[A]

You think it's like an alien autopsy? Like that whole. The. All the science behind what brains look like is a scale.

[D]

Guys are really throwing a lot at me right now.

[C]

Do you know how when you open up guacamole, and then within, like, 20 minutes, it looks like. Gross.

[D]

I've never had guacamole in my life.

[C]

You've never eaten guacamole?

[D]

I've had it.

[A]

Curious.

[B]

I've had it made.

[D]

I'm very curious about it.

[A]

Curious.

[D]

Very curious about it.

[C]

You've never had it made tableside?

[D]

No, I've had it made tables a million times.

[C]

And then you send it away.

[D]

And then I say, no, thank you.

[B]

One of the pockets in my vest is guacamole salt. If you ever change your mind, I. Guacamole salt? Yeah, salt. Perfect for guacamole.

[C]

That's the thing about restaurants. They go to every single table and they make guacamole, and then they ask you if you wanted.

[A]

It's. Yeah.

[C]

They must waste so much. Guacamole. Guacamole.

[A]

I'm assuming they all eat it because

[D]

they say, would you like us. Would you like us to make you some tableside guacamole? And I say, of course.

[B]

Because you want to see the show.

[D]

Yeah. Why would I turn that down?

[B]

Of course.

[C]

It's like going to a magic show and saying, like, hey, would you like to see me pull this rabbit out of it?

[B]

But you don't have to eat a rabbit.

[D]

Hey, kids, want to see me pull a rabbit out of my hat? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Hey, Rocky. Remember Rocky and Bullwinkle? I mean, sure, Bullwinkle tried to get Rocky to watch his magic trick, but it always went wrong.

[C]

Right? Yeah. You're a big fan of the Rocky.

[D]

No, I hate. They're Frustra.

[C]

Then why keep watching them?

[D]

Because I keep thinking one day Bull Wiggle's gonna serve.

[C]

They haven't made these shows in decades.

[D]

No. Is that true? Yeah.

[C]

No. These are not new shows.

[B]

You're watching very old cartoons.

[A]

Okay, Because I was. You've been watching the movie.

[D]

I was gonna say some of them. I was like, they've been through this.

[C]

Those are reruns. Why?

[D]

These guys are all reruns. They're having these circular discussions.

[B]

How many times has he graduated from Wattsamara?

[A]

You.

[C]

Well, Dave, I. I want to I want to ask you this question because it seems like on your worst drummers list, they're all from a certain band that.

[D]

Yeah, they are.

[C]

The three of us.

[D]

Yeah, that's true.

[C]

Know a little bit about. Because we've.

[D]

Now I'm inverting my eyes. So you. You don't think I'm mad at you?

[C]

Okay. We've seen a documentary about. Can I ask the. The band that you were kicked out of, does it happen to be Dread Zeppelin?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

This kicked out of.

[A]

Exciting.

[D]

I was Dread Zeppelin's. Are you familiar with the band?

[C]

We've seen a Song of Hope and

[A]

we've talked about it extensively.

[D]

Oh, you've seen that?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think if you look in the comment section of the documentary, it

[C]

is exclusively Comedy Bank.

[A]

A lot of other comedy Banking people have also been made aware of.

[D]

Do you recall seeing me in that documentary?

[B]

I don't recall seeing.

[C]

I was just thinking that I would remember like a sullen guy who's staring daggers.

[A]

I mean, I certainly remember Cheese.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, fresh cheese.

[A]

I remember him as well.

[B]

Ed Zeppelin was hilarious.

[C]

So funny. He was. He had dreads.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I loved all of the guys from the band.

[C]

Yeah. Tortelvis.

[D]

Of course.

[A]

Tortelvis is a star, a genius.

[D]

Despicable. Yes, yes.

[B]

And you just say despicable.

[D]

Yeah, he's.

[C]

He's a. You must be talking about despicable me, right?

[A]

And the Minions.

[D]

No, I'm talking about despicable him. Tortelvis.

[B]

Despicable Tortillas. Hey, I would pay to see that movies.

[C]

Tortelvis and the Minions. Oh my God.

[A]

Grew in live action. Minions.

[C]

I love this idea.

[D]

I wouldn't say it.

[A]

And the Minions do all reggae covers of songs.

[C]

Yes. This is so good.

[B]

This is a million dollars idea.

[D]

Well, I hope the Minions don't get kicked out of the. The band.

[A]

Why were you.

[C]

Why were you kicked out of Dread Zeppelin? You weren't in the documentary.

[D]

It was. They. Okay. It started with my stage name.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Because I was a little boring.

[D]

That's my real name. Oh, oh, oh, okay. That's my.

[C]

Sorry. What's your. What's your stage name?

[D]

Well, I had to go through a few because they kept getting turned down. This guy. Ja. Paul Joe.

[C]

Yeah, J. Paul.

[D]

He's a real tyrant. He was like the visionary of the band.

[C]

Yeah, he's sort of the riding my ass.

[D]

Ass, really? So first I say.

[A]

And he has full veto power. Huh? Over. Over.

[D]

Well, he would say, what do you think, Tolvis? Knowing that TV is going to say whatever you think, John.

[C]

When you. When you let two people who are in sync like that, like that have two separate votes, they should vote as a block, you know, because they're always going to agree.

[B]

Ah, they did.

[C]

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like they should get one vote instead of two separate ones. Cuz they're always.

[D]

I wish it happen.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And then the rest of the band did not get a vote at all.

[B]

It was just the two of them.

[A]

So just the two. Wow.

[C]

It was the two of them and you.

[D]

They decided. Really? Ja. Paul Joe decided everything. Tolvis just went along with it.

[B]

But if Tolvis disagreed with J. Paul Jo's V tie breakings, he never disagreed with. Never, never came out.

[D]

He was afraid of him. Of course he was afraid of him.

[C]

He ruled with an iron fist.

[B]

Go over this in the Doctor, here's

[A]

why it sounds like he's kind of the Colonel Tom Parker to Televis.

[C]

I'll tell you, he's L Page.

[D]

I'll tell you.

[C]

Ruling with an iron fist.

[D]

So the concept of the band, not Danny Rand. Are you guys listening to me?

[C]

Absolutely. Sort of.

[B]

I am listening. I'm hanging on every word.

[D]

This is really.

[C]

I'm. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time, but. Out with it, my friend.

[D]

I don't know why you're talking about Luke Cage just now.

[C]

Well, do you know Luke Cage? Have you seen the Mike Coulter starring Netflix series? He was part of the Defenders.

[D]

Okay, okay.

[B]

I have not seen this.

[C]

Do you know anything about the MCU or the Net? I know. What do you know?

[D]

Madame Web?

[C]

That's not the.

[A]

That's Sony.

[D]

Madame Morbius the vampire.

[C]

No try. Are those the only Marvel related movies you've seen?

[B]

Spider Man, Turn off the Dark.

[C]

You must think they all suck.

[D]

They do, right?

[C]

I can't believe those movies are so popular ones. Anyway, anyway, tell us what happened. What were some of your aliases?

[D]

So, okay, here's your travel tips. Here's why Tortelis is under. Here's why Tor was. Was under the thumb of Ja Paul Joe.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Because when they started the band, the idea was it's going to be reggae covers of Le Zeppelin songs. Right. And the singer is going to be a Elvis impersonator.

[B]

Got it.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

That's when they started it. That way was the visual.

[D]

So that's three things, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

When Tortelvis came up with his name. Ja. Paul Joe said that covers the Elvis part. But the Tort part.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Has nothing to do with Any of the other aesthetics that we're going for.

[B]

Interesting.

[C]

Well, isn't it? Because in this, I'm, I'm basing this on the information in the documentary. His name is Tort. Is it, is it Tortelli? Is he, is, Was he one of the Tortellis?

[A]

Yes, from, from Cheers years

[B]

and the spin off.

[D]

Yeah, but that, that doesn't fit with the aesthetics.

[C]

With Casey Kasem's wife. Right, who like hid his body.

[B]

Hid Casey Kasem's body from people.

[A]

Oh, for months. They refuse. She refused to release him to be buried.

[C]

Because they watch the Tortelli's these days.

[B]

That happened to James Brown too, you know, and Charles Manson. Hard to know what to do with a famous dead body. Hey, Bush

[A]

man.

[C]

And a Mitch McConnell, I believe.

[A]

No, he just called me this morning. I talked to him for 20 minutes. It was a great conversation. He had a lot of questions about a reason. How did this get made episode. Oh, great.

[B]

Look how forlorn Dave Bl.

[D]

I'll go, I'll go. I feel like I'm dragging you guys down.

[B]

Yeah, but it's okay.

[A]

I mean, it's in your power.

[D]

Clearly want to talk about other stuff and I'm just getting in the way.

[B]

I'm dying to get to my traveler's chair.

[C]

Tell us about your, your aliases though,

[D]

because I'm trying to. Well, can I finish the one story that I had first?

[C]

Well, yeah, the Tortelvis part. Yeah, the Tort part was, was based on his real name.

[B]

But I think, I think of it as a portmanteau of tortellini and Elvis.

[D]

But tortellini has nothing to do with reggae music. Elvis.

[C]

It has to do with him being slightly corpulent.

[D]

Look, look.

[C]

Because he ate a lot of. Totally.

[D]

Look, look.

[C]

And that's Elvis related.

[D]

Look, we don't forget. First of all, Elvis has not famously eaten a lot of tortellini. We know that he ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Sure, right.

[B]

But I don't think he turned down a plate of tortellini.

[D]

No, he probably didn't.

[C]

But then you can't call yourself peanut butter banana sandwich Elvis.

[D]

Why not? Why can't you? Why can't you?

[C]

I don't know. I don't make the rules. You're right. Did you ever bring that up?

[D]

A million times. But here's the thing.

[A]

John Paul Jones, maybe call yourself PB&B. Elvis.

[D]

PBNB Elvis.

[C]

It's too close to BBL.

[A]

What's that?

[C]

Brazilian butt lift.

[A]

Oh, cool.

[D]

This was before. That was a Thing.

[A]

Wait, are you guys going to Brazil on tour?

[D]

We are going to Turkey and Brazil.

[C]

Turkey, yes. Turkey and Brazil, yes.

[A]

Everybody comes home with new hair and butts.

[D]

Why don't you go to Mexico, get your mouth fixed?

[C]

I'm fixed.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You.

[D]

There's a. There's a place. There's a place there called Molar City.

[A]

What do they do?

[D]

It's. It's almost an entire town of dentists that cater to Americans coming to Mexico.

[A]

And it's literally called Moler City. Or it's a nickname. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Dave, you have lit up when you're talking about this.

[A]

I love Smiling City.

[C]

Is talking about this.

[A]

This is your passion.

[D]

I love Mo City.

[A]

It's not percussion.

[C]

It's.

[D]

Look at. Look at my teeth.

[A]

Incredible, right? Wow.

[C]

I'm writing down $75.

[A]

They're all Molly Rollers.

[D]

I had, like, Shane McGowan teeth before.

[B]

A town full of dentists. This is the most exciting thing I've heard a long time.

[D]

Great. It's just a beautiful town.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

I just.

[C]

Is there like, one undertaker?

[D]

Yeah. And he measures people when they enter town because if anything goes wrong, you can't sue them.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[D]

You're just.

[C]

That's just what happens once you enter those city limits.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What happens in Mola City stays.

[D]

If it goes back badly.

[C]

If it goes bad, tear your headphones out.

[D]

Did you tear your headphones out?

[A]

Did you tear your headphones out?

[D]

So ja Paul Joe.

[C]

What did he say?

[D]

He said, okay, I'll let that name go to Elvis. You can have Tor Telvis. But remember that I did you this favor. And then ever since then tolvis just yes, manned, whatever J. J Paul Joe said.

[C]

It seems like a favor like that gives you one. One like, yes, Manning.

[D]

You would think.

[C]

But he chose to do it just a blanket yes.

[D]

Anytime that something came up to a

[C]

vote, and it's a three person vote, it's you tortel.

[D]

No, I don't have a vote.

[C]

Oh. So it's just the two of them?

[D]

It's just the two of them.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And if Tortellis said no, John Paul Joe, I don't agree with you this time. I want to do a different thing. What would John Paul Joe says?

[C]

Yeah, what would John Paul Joe says?

[D]

He would say that it goes to whoever was bringing the. The sort of plea flee before them.

[C]

Oh, I see. So.

[D]

And then you got to do it.

[C]

But then it would. But then, wouldn't it always then be. Wouldn't it always then be? What am I trying to say?

[D]

I don't know, man. I'm not a mind reader. Which I tried to tell you and you got mad.

[C]

What am I thinking right now?

[D]

Something about Luke Cage?

[C]

Yeah, probably. Honestly.

[D]

So anytime I came up. Okay, here's the voting system worked like this. It was very, very simple.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

If you had a change, if you. There's something you wanted to do on stage, you know, introduce a different instrument. If you suggested a song to cover first you had to go to Ja Paul Joe.

[C]

Okay?

[D]

And he would say, ding, ding, ding. He didn't have a bell.

[A]

He say ding, ding, ding.

[D]

He would say ding, ding, ding.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Like that woman in that movie, huh?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Ringing the bell.

[D]

I wish I could remember. Right, so then he. Everybody had to gather round around and Ja. Paul Joe and Tortelvis would stand up on a couple of chairs and Ja. Paul Joe would say, here, you hear ye all ye who would have claim with this court step forward.

[A]

This is so formal.

[D]

Yeah, stupid.

[C]

When Q would put Picard on trial,

[A]

show up on the Enterprise.

[D]

Quincy Jones.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no.

[D]

Quincy Jones was on the Enterprise.

[C]

No, no. You ever read his interview? That one interview?

[D]

Did everybody that one interview?

[B]

No, it's Quincy Jones.

[C]

Yeah, it's great.

[B]

Oh, he's watching.

[C]

Just look up Quincy Jones interview.

[B]

He said whatever the he wanted, he

[D]

just did the one.

[C]

That's why he did one so well that it's the one that will come up.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Okay, so cue the winged serpent.

[C]

Do you want to finish your story, man?

[A]

Hey, Dave.

[C]

Hey.

[D]

Hey, you guys. I'm going through a hard time.

[C]

Wait.

[B]

Yeah, we all are.

[A]

Now, how you have been fired from this band for decades.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And you have blackballed from music. You have just.

[D]

All I can do is play percussion instruments.

[A]

You have a passion for Molar City, though. Why not lean in? Sheryl Samberg.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

And what? Become a dentist?

[B]

Why not?

[A]

How old were you? How you left the band?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

God, I would have been like 29.

[A]

I mean, perfect.

[C]

Yeah. How long does it take to become a dentist? Probably like two years.

[A]

Like I was giving it to say less in Mexico. Mexico?

[C]

In Mexico, yeah. I bet you could move there today and be one.

[B]

I mean, ideally you would have been dropped off with a. With a dentist family when you were a child and raised dentist.

[D]

Did that ever happen to me?

[C]

Did someone ever drop you off to Dread Zeppelin when you were young?

[D]

When I was a baby, did I

[A]

ever get dropped off at a dentist or a percussionist?

[D]

I was older when I got dropped off at Led Zeppelin by my mom. Oh, who said okay, Good luck at the audition.

[C]

Have fun playing with your friends.

[D]

Yeah. And I did for a little bit.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It must have broken her heart.

[D]

Jaal Joe hated me from the outset. So when I went to the tribunal, which is just two guys. Oh. So the way it works is.

[A]

Hear you.

[B]

Hear you.

[D]

Ja Joe and Tortelva. Ja. Paul Joe votes first.

[C]

Right.

[D]

He says yay or nay.

[C]

Right.

[D]

If he says yay and Tortilva says yay, you get to do it.

[C]

Sales through.

[D]

If he's says nay and Tortilla says nay, you don't get to do it.

[C]

Right.

[D]

If he says yay and Tortelva says nay, you get to do it. If he says nay, Tortilla says yay, you get to do it.

[C]

Okay. I believe that's all of the. The permutations. Yes. Yes.

[B]

But if Ja says yes and to says nay, then it sounds like Ja Paul Joe says, remember who was nice enough and let you have your name you wanted.

[A]

And then that doesn't sound like to us is rubber stamping everything. Ja. Paul Jones.

[D]

No, no, no. That's the way it's. That's the way we're told it works. What happens. I see is that whatever John, Whatever Jo Paul Joe says, if he doesn't want something to happen, he'll say I got to say nay. What do you think? Tort Elvis.

[C]

He stresses the tort.

[D]

Yeah. And then Tortelvis is like I say when you say Joppo Joe. I'm doing it. I'm exaggerating.

[A]

No, but it is a dead. We haven't seen the documentary. A dead on impression.

[C]

I got to say, this court needs a little tort reform.

[B]

Oh, that's beautiful. That's really nice.

[D]

People don't like when I said that.

[C]

Oh, you said that.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, let's hear you say it.

[C]

Yeah, let's hear. Let's hear.

[D]

I said after one of these stupid votes. Pointless show votes. I said on shows to do what? No, the vote is just for show.

[C]

Oh, I see. Okay.

[D]

Are you okay?

[C]

Are you okay, man?

[D]

I'm fine.

[C]

We've been waiting for you to tell this story for what seems like hours at this point.

[D]

I guess I feel like I got interrupted, but can I prove that?

[A]

Interrupted with what? I mean, the genuine curiosity.

[B]

Come to think of it, I never got to my travel tip.

[C]

You know what?

[A]

Actually, let's, let's, let's, let's.

[C]

We have to take a break.

[A]

What?

[C]

I've been putting off this break for 10 minutes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But once we do a break, we got to get A tip we got to do just.

[C]

I want to hear the end of the story. I want to hear just one tip. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Jason Manzoukas, more with August Lint, and we will have more with Dave Blynn. Factor that into whether you come back from the break or not, man.

[D]

What? I don't know. I'm just a guy.

[C]

You're. Yeah, that's the problem. You're just a guy.

[D]

I have an interesting story to tell, if you'd let me tell it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right. We're going to hear the end of the story. On the other side of the.

[D]

Barely hear the beginning.

[C]

What? All right, we're gonna come right back. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Have you had to give a birthday gift recently or an anniversary gift or maybe just a gift to apologize for something like me and. You want to make it personal, right? You don't want to just buy the first thing you see in a catalog. You want to get something that says, like, hey, I know you. I've met you. I know what you like. It's hard, that feeling when you're three days out from someone's birthday, you have no idea what to get. We've all been there. And then you end up with something generic you don't even think they'll like. And then they open it and they go, oh, well, you know what that is? What? Zazzle fixes. Zazzle. What is it? It's a custom marketplace where you can take basically any product. Let's say a mug, a tote bag, a card, a phone case, and you can make it mean something. Something. You're not buying a gift. You're making one. Browse millions of designs or start from scratch and build something completely your own. Either way, you're the designer. I know a couple of things my wife likes. And so I went in there and I said, okay, mah jong, mah jong. What do I do? Mahjong? And I got some mah jongg products for her, and she was like, oh, you're paying attention to me. It was a sweet, sweet moment in our relationship. Right now, save 25% on your first [e-mail]. that's 25% savings on your first [e-mail]. go make something zamazing zazzlE.com.

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Yeah.

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[C]

mobile.com can you picture this? Okay, picture it. You just had a long day and the hunger hits you. There's something healthy in your fridge that you should make, right? But yeah, you just don't have it in you to get all the ingredients. Oh God, I just want something fast. You know, if this sounds far too familiar to you, you need to check out Factor. With factor. You get fully prepared meals designed by dietitians and crafted by chefs, delivered right to your door so you can hit your nutrition goals this season. Season without the planning, the grocery runs or the cooking, and with over 100 rotating weekly meals, including globally inspired flavors like Mediterranean and Asian, there is always something new to look forward to. Now I got some factor recently and trust me when they say, oh, it doesn't take a long time. That's what factor is all about. You just pop it in, it gets cooked really quickly and then you can focus on the other stuff you need to be focusing on, including listening to all of my shows. That's what we're really trying to do, is free up time for you. For that, head over to factor meals.com Bang Bang 50 off and use the code Bang Bang 50 off to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only while supplies last until September 27, 2026. Hey, here's a tip. See website for more details. Comedy Bang Bang we're back with Jason Mandukas.

[A]

Here we go.

[C]

And we also have August Lindt, and we're gonna be hearing travel tips at least one before. And also the question of whether or not Dave Blynn is your father is here. And we're waiting for the results on that.

[B]

DNA question is here, hopefully.

[D]

No offense, I hope I'm not.

[B]

Why do you hope you're not my father?

[D]

I don't want to be a dad.

[C]

Oh, yeah. He gave away his kids for a reason. Are the. Can I. Can I ask about your results on your one battle after the other DNA test? Are they.

[D]

Wait, you're gonna. I thought results speak for themselves.

[C]

Yes, but I want. I want to ask about the manner in which they're delivered. Are they delivered Maury Povich style, where an envelope comes out and then you

[B]

open the envelope or it's actually Maury Povich comes out.

[C]

Maury Povich comes out.

[B]

Right now. He has received a notification that.

[C]

That's why it takes 45 minutes.

[A]

That's the only reason my understanding was that Maury Povich has to deliver all paternity tests.

[B]

Oh, that's how it is. Sometimes if I'm far away, like, farther than 45 minutes, he'll call, just zoom in. Yeah, zoom in. Or something like that.

[D]

How come when you said Maury Povich comes out, you didn't get confused and say, oh, is he gay now?

[C]

Okay, that's. I wouldn't say that's an accurate.

[B]

Because he's been married to.

[C]

He's been with.

[A]

That is absolutely the most. You thing that I'm just wondering. Arguably, Dave Blynn has. Has you absolutely nailed.

[C]

I don't think so.

[A]

This guy who just met you fully understands the scale and scope of your nonsense.

[C]

I. I doubt that. We also have Dave Blynn here, who, honestly, I'm not fond of at all. Yeah, man.

[D]

I don't know how we got off

[C]

on the wrong foot.

[D]

I'm really.

[C]

Apologize then.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

For what?

[C]

Forget. For getting off on the road. That implies that you came in here with a sour attitude and you've just been a bummer this entire time. We're just trying to have a little fun here.

[D]

See it that way.

[C]

How do you see it?

[D]

Well, I see it as. I'm just trying to tell my story.

[C]

Members of Dread Zeppelin. Did this ever come up of like, hey, you suck to be around? You are a depressing person. Did any of these. Are any of these sentences familiar or two.

[D]

You. You. You're going to. You're not going to believe this. But actually, when I was kicked out of the band, a lot of the people in the band were like, why? He's the most fun guy that we have here.

[A]

I really, really.

[D]

All I try to do is make things fun and. Ja. Paul Joe didn't like that.

[A]

Are you trying to make this fun right now?

[D]

No, I'm just trying to tell my story.

[C]

Oh, okay. Okay. Can we get an example of what you're like when you try to have fun, though?

[A]

Because maybe when you're in Molar City.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, man. When I'm in Mueller City.

[A]

What's it like?

[D]

The best place to mullet.

[A]

Look at you. Light up.

[D]

Best place on earth.

[A]

Light up.

[D]

You just. It's just straight up to street of dentists.

[C]

You know that if you ever, like, run into a pole and. And damage a tooth or something. Yeah. You're taken care of. Yeah.

[D]

Isn't that a great secure feeling?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

They have poles all over the place

[A]

now because there's so many dentists. Yeah. Is it the kind of place that is. There's also a million kids candy shops or is there. No, you said there's.

[C]

There's. It's all dentists. Other than the one under.

[D]

It's all dentists and the undertaker who does.

[A]

So there is nothing else, truly.

[C]

I would imagine there's nothing.

[A]

There's no other infrastructure.

[C]

Candy shop would be like a honey pot kind of situation where, you know, a dentist would be trying to lure someone in to.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[D]

Yeah. But I mean, if. If candy gave instant cavities. Yeah. I guess they'd have candy storage there,

[C]

but what they should invent candy that gives instant cavities.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[D]

I don't know what I did wrong.

[A]

Absolutely brutal.

[B]

I don't agree today.

[D]

I really don't know what I did. I don't know what I did wrong there. And I'm sorry, whatever it was, just open your ears. All right. I. I guess I thought, well, this guy's not saying they should invent candy that gives instant cavities, because that didn't make any sense to me.

[B]

No, they shouldn't invent that. In my opinion. They shouldn't invent it.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Because who would want it?

[C]

Well, you know how those dentists on Halloween, they give out toothbrushes, which is terrible.

[D]

I think it's great.

[C]

They should. Instead, that's like cutting off their own business. They should give out candy that gives instant cavities. Then they have a. A client the next day.

[D]

They're just trying to show like, we care about your teeth. But they. Of course, they love Halloween. They know every other virtual.

[A]

If they gave out candies, call them hypocrites. If. If dentists gave out candy, they'd open themselves up to being called hypocrites.

[C]

They should just turn out all their lights, put on like, a spooky Halloween record. Like, that would scare people away from going in with.

[A]

Wait, what is that? That's actually pretty. This is also a skill you've got.

[C]

Yeah. Do you do any other spooky sounds?

[D]

How about this

[A]

Sounds like a really good. Maybe part of your thing should be. Not. Maybe what makes your untenable music tenable is these vocalizations. These spooky.

[D]

Fun to do that. I love the shaker. I love the tambo cake. I love the scratcher.

[C]

You know how Talking Heads went down to the Bahamas to record their album? You should go to Mueller City and record a full sound effect Halloween record.

[B]

That's a great idea. You could draw a creaking open door.

[D]

That would be heaven.

[C]

And you could put like a bone, like a hidden track at the end of you banging on whatever the you like to bang on. But you know what I mean, Like, I think you love making these sound effects.

[D]

I don't actually. I. I love percussion. The sound effect, you just happen.

[A]

Are you playing?

[D]

How often do I plane.

[A]

How often are you playing?

[D]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[A]

Like, are you practicing? Are you.

[D]

I'm doing the best I can, man.

[C]

This is the best. It's.

[A]

I mean, I will say, like, I misheard something. You've misheard, like, quite a lot.

[D]

Two things. So far.

[A]

It's been for sure more than cavity thing in that.

[D]

He's misheard more things than.

[C]

Come on. He's misheard tooth things too.

[D]

Jump down his throat now.

[B]

Is that what you said?

[C]

Truth of things?

[B]

No, you didn't say two to things.

[D]

Tooth hangs.

[B]

You misheard tooth things.

[D]

Tooth hangs.

[B]

Tooth things.

[D]

Tooth hangs.

[B]

No, I thought you said you misheard two things pertaining to teeth. Tooth things.

[D]

No, I don't know what tooth hangs are.

[A]

August, you were saying you had a travel tip.

[C]

No, we don't have time for that quite yet. We gotta hear your.

[D]

Okay, so where are we jot. Paul Joe realized the way to get me out of the band, man. Everybody loved me. Everybody loved me.

[A]

We never heard the names.

[C]

That's what he's.

[A]

Is that what we're doing?

[D]

That's where we're headed.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Everyone loved me. Love having me around. Ja. Paul Joe did not. So he was like, how Can I get this guy out of the band? On legitimately so called.

[A]

Okay. Single quote.

[D]

So he kept making me change my names. First I was Ja Bonjavi.

[A]

Great.

[D]

He said, no, I'm Ja Joe. And there's. Well, there's another guy who's got. Got Jaw.

[C]

And there's Carl. Ja. There's a guy named Cheese and another guy named Fresh.

[D]

Cheese. Yeah. And he's like, no, it's too confusing.

[C]

I like that, though.

[A]

Jaban Jovi or Jaban Javi.

[D]

Jabanjavi.

[A]

Yeah, I love that.

[C]

Jabanjavi.

[D]

Jabanjavi.

[B]

So far, I'm on.

[C]

What about Jabba? Like Jabba the Hut? The End.

[A]

Like Shabba Ranks. Like Shabba Ranks. You could. Jabba.

[D]

Shabba the Hut was the name that I came up with. He also rejected.

[C]

Oh, J.

[B]

A H. No.

[D]

Shaba the Hut.

[C]

Shaba the Hut.

[D]

Now who can hear you twice?

[C]

Yeah. And he wants. So I'm winning.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Now, so far, I'm a J. Paul Jones as side by.

[C]

If you were to see a World cup game and it was two to one, who would you say was winning?

[B]

I don't care. What?

[C]

If you were to see a World cup game and it was two to one, you would say the person who has two is. Is winning. Right.

[A]

Are you into sports now?

[D]

Yeah, I would. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. So I'm winning because you're saying you heard one thing, but it's golf rules where you want the lowest.

[D]

So it's World cup, like zero. It's World cup of Golf rules.

[A]

What on earth. You are imploding. No, 975 is.

[C]

This guy is getting it out of

[A]

me too many episodes. 975 is too many. I think you might think this guy's cool. This guy. Look, I mean, listen, I know his. His vibes are.

[D]

Don't talk about me like I'm not here. I know I'm not cool. Right? I know I'm not cool. I'm a guy. I'm almost 70 years old. I got kicked out of Dread Zeppelin. I can't even tell my story.

[B]

Oh, this guy's sad.

[A]

I feel like you're hanging on to this slight so much that it has ruined the. I mean, no, that's exactly what's happening 50 years ago. I know.

[D]

That's exactly what's happening. Happening.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

My life is ruined by holding on to this grudge.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, I'm so sorry. Because you could have been living your best life in Molar City.

[D]

Oh, Mo City. God, I love it so much.

[C]

Okay, so you you went through Ja Bonjavi?

[D]

Yeah. He said no.

[C]

Shaba the Hut. Yeah, whatever.

[D]

Madonna. I was dressed up like Madonna.

[B]

Madonna?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Madonna. You're dressed up like Madonna. In what way?

[A]

GLP 1.

[D]

The Pointing Bride Bra Era. Cone bra, Ponytail.

[C]

Say, Desperately Seeking Susan's a little. You could be here.

[D]

I thought this was more showy.

[A]

You could be Ja. Paul Gaultier, who created the book I Believe.

[D]

I wish I thought of that.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Then I was like, okay, how about Iri Minogue?

[A]

I love that. By the way, this is.

[D]

That's a good one.

[C]

And said.

[D]

He said, kylie Minogue is not rock and roll enough.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

And was she even around at this point? I mean.

[D]

Yeah, she was Locomotion.

[C]

Remember she covered locomot 1989 for sure.

[B]

How is that.

[C]

What'd you say?

[D]

That's when the band was formed. Dread Zeppelin.

[C]

Dread Zeppelin?

[B]

Yeah. How is it related to.

[C]

I believe that's how you. I thought. I thought I saw dread Zeppelin in 1988 or so.

[D]

You thought you saw them?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

I don't know, man.

[A]

Maybe.

[D]

Maybe it was a. Maybe it was ball lightning. Maybe it was a weather balloon.

[B]

That's your explanation for everything?

[D]

It was probably marsh gas.

[C]

All right?

[A]

Unexplained science.

[B]

How does that have anything. Anything to do with food? Italian food or pasta?

[D]

It doesn't. Which is not supposed to.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Iri Minogue. Iri.

[B]

How does it have to do with roster business?

[C]

Iri is a.

[B]

Is a.

[D]

Maybe you should sit this one out, dude.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

You know, if I gotta say, Dave, you have a problem with me, you have a problem with him. Maybe you're the problem.

[D]

Maybe you guys are not paying attention because we're not.

[C]

We're.

[D]

Because you're going off on your tangent so much.

[A]

Here's the thing, and I hate to do this, and I'm so sorry to do this, Dave, in the midd of your story. I think we got to kick this guy out of the show.

[D]

No, I have so few names left.

[C]

I think we got to kick this

[A]

guy out of the show.

[B]

This is.

[A]

This is really dragging the show down.

[D]

I have one.

[C]

We haven't gotten.

[A]

Three, four, five.

[D]

Five names.

[C]

You have five names left.

[D]

This guy wanted me out of the band.

[C]

It has taken you 45 minutes to do these four names?

[D]

It's taken me 45 minutes to do it.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You could say the next five.

[D]

Super. You're saying the problem with me reading a list of nine names is me?

[B]

Yes. I got a proposal that would solve everything. Okay. We alternate.

[D]

Better not be travel tips.

[B]

We alternate Travel tip and band name.

[C]

I'm willing to hear this. I'm willing to hear this.

[A]

Let's do it.

[D]

I think that's adding time, but okay.

[C]

Okay, so let's.

[D]

If you think you're going to get through a travel tip without these guys chiming in, good luck, brother.

[A]

You could both do your things concurrently

[B]

at the same time.

[C]

Same time seems a little unfair. He's gotten to do.

[D]

What is this wonder shows?

[C]

He's gotten four names out.

[A]

It's Altman. Where everyone. Everyone's miked and talking all the time.

[C]

Why don't you do four tips so that you'll be equal?

[B]

No, I only want to do one.

[C]

Okay, do one.

[B]

Make sure someone is keeping your wife company.

[A]

Wait, because you left her behind.

[B]

Yeah. She can't travel with you.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because she never has.

[A]

Oh, August.

[C]

So someone is keeping your wife. Who's keeping your wife? Is it Mr. Schneiderberg?

[B]

Yeah, my boss. Mr. Schneiderberg keeps my wife company. Oh, I just wonder. I don't want a big song and dance. I'm telling you, a tip.

[A]

Well, I'll be honest. I was expecting a tip that anybody that I felt like, like wasn't going to be so revealing about your marriage.

[B]

Oh, it's not revealing about my marriage.

[C]

Can I ask you a question? Does everyone get 10 months off or only you?

[B]

Oh, well, I don't know.

[D]

I.

[B]

But I. I get 10 months off. I assume everybody else does in the pretzel factory.

[C]

Can I talk to you for a second?

[A]

Yeah, I'm right here.

[C]

I don't know if we talked about this before, but I think.

[D]

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

[B]

Yeah, sure. What's going on?

[C]

He's the only one that gets Spiderberg

[A]

say frustration as much as possible. And plus I bring him back sometimes

[D]

I think he is that indicate to me he's deliberately misunderstanding what I'm saying.

[C]

He can't feel me. Right.

[A]

We gotta get rid of Dave.

[D]

Glenn, I'm not trying to be a bad guy.

[A]

Two other percussionists.

[B]

But you do have a certain energy that really does rub people the wrong way.

[D]

But you know what doesn't help is people constantly. Unless undermining what I'm saying. This guy Dave with intentional mistake.

[A]

We don't need another.

[B]

But you know what

[C]

makes people want

[B]

to get your goat?

[D]

I see that

[A]

we call this. We call this meeting to order.

[D]

Kidding.

[A]

It's come to our.

[D]

Get off those chairs.

[A]

That.

[D]

Get off those chairs.

[C]

These are our chairs. You can't tell another human being to get off chairs that they Own.

[B]

These chairs are on wheels. It's unique, unsafe.

[A]

We're just not in need of a percussionist because we already. We have Joe Bongo and he's a percussionist, and that's means we're all full.

[D]

You think I can't see what you're trying to do?

[A]

What's that?

[D]

I'm not. This here's what's insulting. You're thinking that. I'm thinking I came here to be the percussionist for you guys.

[A]

This, I mean. Yeah. The tour is about to start.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Going all over the world.

[C]

This is not you making a play to come to the tour.

[D]

No, no. Oh, I don't need to go on tour with you.

[C]

I'm pretty sure Joe Bongo is going to meet us out there in one of the cities.

[D]

I don't know who that is, but fine.

[A]

Oh, really? Every. Every song is better with bongos. You don't know Joe Bongo and his whole backstory.

[D]

Every song is better with bongos. That can't be true.

[B]

That's what Joe Bongo says.

[A]

August, you know Joe Bongo?

[B]

Of course I know Joe Bongo.

[C]

He must run into him.

[D]

Bongo is the worst percussion instrument that there is.

[A]

Now that's interesting. What's the best?

[D]

Oh, timpany. Oh, without a doubt.

[A]

Great.

[C]

I mean, they did use it in the, you know, the telethons all the time.

[D]

That's the closest to a drum that I'll play is the timpan.

[A]

Is the timpan. Yes.

[B]

That's pretty close to our drum.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What about a steel drum? Will you play those?

[A]

Oh, another tuned metal instrument.

[D]

Yeah, no, that.

[A]

What about. Oh, what about mallet instruments? Marimba or glockenspiel?

[D]

It's too much work.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I like the thing you can hold in your hand.

[B]

A bunch of skulls if they're around.

[A]

Tuned skulls if they're around.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From like a. A huge adult skull to a tiny baby skull. Yeah. So you get the whole range?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

[B]

Oh, cool.

[D]

All right, so here's another name. Okay, so if he wasn't going to go for Iri Minogue, obviously Kylie Salassi was out.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. Kylie Salasi.

[D]

Tone Lock, which is Tone Loke, but with dreadlocks.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay.

[C]

Tone Lock.

[D]

Patois Benatar. Didn't go for that.

[A]

That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

[D]

I thought so. I like that Babylon Cheney, where I was going to be Lon Cheney's Phantom of the Opera with the pushed up nose and the.

[A]

Oh, it's Lon Ch.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not Lynn Cheney. No, it's not B. Lynn Cheney.

[D]

No. I didn't know who Lynn Chaney was then.

[A]

Oh, that's right. In the past, of course.

[D]

And. And with a roster wig on.

[B]

Yep, yep.

[D]

With like the. The hat with the dreadsy.

[C]

So the pushed up nose from F of opera with dreads.

[D]

Great. I love it. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

He didn't. Well, J. Paul Joe did not love it.

[C]

He didn't like it. Okay.

[D]

And the last one I gave him, which I thought was going to be great, was F and I. Young Cannibals.

[C]

What was that?

[D]

Fine Young Cannibals. You know, I. And I. Yeah.

[A]

And Fine Young Cannibals.

[D]

The Finine Young Cannibals.

[C]

Finine Young Cannibals.

[D]

Fi and E. Young Cannibals.

[B]

Cannibal.

[D]

Yeah. I thought that was a slam dunk.

[B]

Absolutely.

[D]

Cannibal, Singular. I would be the Finai Young cannibal.

[B]

Of course you thought that was a

[C]

slam dunk, Mr. President. A slam dunk that goes into the room.

[D]

Did you say slam dunk?

[C]

No, I said slam dunk. It's two to two.

[B]

You've tied it up. Or is it three?

[C]

Three to one.

[B]

Three to one. Oh, my God. It's Belgium. United States.

[C]

World cup golf rules.

[D]

World cup golf rules.

[B]

I agreed at golf rules. I'll tell you that right now. Golf is awesome. Playing a lot of golf these days.

[A]

Really. So how much of your travel is salt searching versus golf? Or is it you're concur. You're doing them at the same time?

[B]

Well, Mr. Schneiderberg has done a very nice thing lately. He has been sending me to like right in the sort of between Russia and Ukraine. Oh, God.

[A]

He's trying to kill you. I'm just going to say this out loud.

[D]

He.

[A]

He is trying to kill you because he's with your wife.

[B]

No, he's specifically sending me right down the border of Russia and Ukraine for to go golfing.

[A]

Oh, I mean, I think there's probably a lot of land.

[D]

Wait, he can send you places to go golfing?

[B]

Of course, all of my vacations, for the most part, is places that Mr. Schneiderberg has recommended to me.

[C]

Snake Island.

[B]

The Darnak Hill Depression. Well, I spent a long time in Chernobyl, you know, had a wonderful time there. Because you really have to. To be fast because there's radioactive wolves everywhere.

[C]

We've been talking to you for such a long time, August.

[B]

And.

[C]

And when we first started talking to you, we thought that we were talking to you because you liked going to these dangerous places. It turns out Schneiderberg is sending you to these places so that he can spend spiderberging your wife.

[A]

He can spend 10 months of the year absolutely blasting your wife.

[D]

That sucks, man. That really sucks, man.

[B]

No, no, no. I don't think that's what's going on at all.

[A]

When you call home to talk to your wife, who is answers the phone?

[B]

Always Mr. Schmeiderberg. But that's the arrangement.

[C]

Status.

[A]

What. What arrangement?

[B]

The arrangement is he's going to keep her company.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

And my children will call him father.

[D]

Oh, with the children.

[A]

Are they your children?

[B]

Yeah, yes, of course they're my children.

[A]

How do you know?

[B]

What do you mean, how do I do they?

[A]

You gotta give them this test.

[B]

Oh, I would never protect my own children because there's no way they can be my parents.

[C]

We know what you look like. We know what you like. What is your. What does Schneiderberg look like?

[B]

What does he look like?

[C]

Yeah. Does he have a comb over? Does he. You know, it's question number one.

[A]

Is he. Is he wearing a salt vest?

[C]

You have a nice head of hair. Does he have any kind of. Is he balding at all?

[B]

Well, listen, I don't like to say it. He has a. What is obviously a wig on the head.

[A]

Oh, obviously.

[B]

It's a big curly wig, like a

[D]

John 3:16, something like that.

[C]

Multicolored rainbow wig.

[D]

Wig.

[B]

Well, you know, I hate to say this, but it's obviously that it was originally a rainbow wig, but he's dyed it black and sometimes the dye runs a little bit and you can kind of see.

[C]

And is he carrying a sign? This is John316.

[B]

He has a tattoo.

[A]

Oh, on his neck. On his neck?

[D]

Yeah, on his neck. I wanted to say it too. Anyway, that's right.

[A]

Nice to be part of the.

[C]

So what are your kids looking?

[D]

Some. Sometimes, yeah.

[B]

My kids are beautiful. Every one of them. Bald as a cue ball.

[C]

Do they have tattoos on their necks?

[B]

Well, yeah, of course.

[C]

Just to keep track of them.

[D]

I wonder if my kids are bald. So many of them out there. Oh, wow. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Well, I mean, look, I can't have

[D]

kids with the job. I have

[C]

six or seven, which is what you did have kids?

[D]

No, I. I father children, but I don't have children.

[A]

Profession?

[D]

I'm an assault inspector.

[B]

You're a what?

[A]

An assault inspector.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're inspecting assaults?

[D]

People. If people are going to get in a fight with someone, they contact me and say proactively. I want you to Watch this. And then tell me afterwards, was this textbook?

[C]

Oh, so you're doing it after the fact.

[D]

I'm inspecting it while it's happening. Then I give my grade.

[A]

But like, how do you grade assault? You know what I mean? Because what is the legal definition of assault? Assault. Great.

[D]

And so people tell me, did that they're trying to not get charged with assault, but they do want to commit violence.

[B]

So you're looking at like security camera footage or dashboard camera footage or something like that.

[D]

I have done, you know, inspections of video assaults, but that stuff can be tampered with. Right. You can. You are like, I'm on site. People say, hey, I'm going to get in a fight behind this restaurant.

[A]

Yep, yep.

[D]

And I need to have between 7 and 7:30.

[A]

It's kind of. Kind of like an intimacy coordinator in a way.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Except I don't coordinate anything. I just watch it happen.

[C]

Did you ever watch the.

[A]

It's like being a perv for violence.

[D]

Yeah. Except I don't get any sexual gratification out of it.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I just like to. I like precision and I like. I like people adhering to the letter of the law.

[C]

Did you ever watch the Michael Jackson smooth criminal video 100 times?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Where he's leaning over and all that.

[D]

I did it. I did it up to 100 times in. I said I'm good.

[C]

Yeah. Up to 100.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And now you're trying to avoid it.

[D]

Now I will never watch it again. Oh, I'll never watch it again. Because 100 is such a perfect round number.

[C]

You tried to do everything in your life 100 times.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

So, like, have you kicked out of 100 bands? You. Once I got kicked out of the first band. I was like, okay, well, now this is a thing.

[C]

Now you have to do.

[A]

Number was Dread Zeppelin.

[D]

That was number one.

[A]

It was number one.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So you had to. So then you got a taste 99 more times. Well, everything in your life, you have to do 100. Exactly.

[D]

Please.

[B]

Sounds like he's going to be on this podcast 100 times.

[C]

Oh, God damn it.

[D]

Maybe it's time I changed my way of doing things.

[C]

Have you eaten like 100 pizzas in your life?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And then you stopped.

[A]

Then you turn off.

[D]

That's too bad. I miss it.

[C]

100 tacos.

[D]

So good. 100 tacos.

[A]

No, but is there a loophole?

[D]

Can you do coffees?

[A]

100 pepperoni pizzas, 100 mushroom pizzas?

[C]

Like, it's got to be the most macro pizza is description of it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Pizza is pizza. Okay, got it.

[B]

How many bottles?

[D]

Why should it be? What?

[B]

How many bottles of beer are you at?

[C]

99.

[D]

Right now I'm at 98.

[A]

What happens if one falls down?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, then you take another one down, you pass it around.

[C]

Right. Okay. Got it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And interesting.

[D]

So two beers away from completion.

[C]

Two beers away. Man, you gotta have those beers stretching it out.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I really like beer. I miss pizza so much. I ate the pizzas in 100 days.

[C]

Oh. Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah. Because. Because you were wanting to get it done as quickly as possible.

[D]

I just. Just loved it. I couldn't stop myself.

[C]

What?

[A]

Because I would think, like, yeah, I would.

[D]

I could have done it in probably, like, 20 days.

[A]

I would move through the things that I disliked the quickest.

[D]

Well, get rid of them. That's the lesson that I learned.

[C]

Like, has a bird ever on your head?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And so you have to do it 99 more. How many times? What? Oh, so you've gotten birds to. On your heads 99 times.

[A]

How do you do that? How do you arrange.

[D]

You look for trees with lots of birds.

[A]

Oh, okay. I mean, I can guess. You could just go to an apiary or an aviary. Sorry.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And you've been stung.

[D]

But I have been to 100 apiaries.

[C]

Because you've been stung by a bee once and then you have.

[D]

Yeah, that one I was like, let's get this over with.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[A]

What happens if you go.

[D]

So I went into an apiary covered

[A]

with nectar in that scenario, because you can get so many bees swarming you. What if you get more than 100? How do you stop it from going past?

[B]

Yeah. You can't control everything.

[D]

Well, I have. No, you can't. And that's a great point, August.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

I have learned to have a sense of if something's happening to me, how many times it is happening very quickly.

[C]

Got it.

[D]

So with the apiary situation, I knew when I hit the 90s, when I was in the mid-90s, I was like, okay, time to start back down a hill.

[A]

Start back.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Right.

[D]

And so I had one of those.

[A]

What? Everybody knows how you get away from bees.

[D]

I had one of those smokers.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Great.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

So I'm putting them to sleep.

[C]

Steve Millers, we call them.

[A]

No, I think I call them. Jokes are tors.

[D]

Are you thinking of.

[A]

Think those say toers.

[D]

Sometimes I call them Maurice. So. So, like, I was. I was like, you know, dispensing, like, a little cloud of smoke. So most of them are going to sleep Right. And then it's like, it's just like five left. Okay, guys, go ahead.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Now, I was thinking that you had.

[D]

And guess what? Yeah, that sucked.

[A]

Oh, must, must be terrible because my

[D]

first bee sting happened, you know, I was like 39 years old and I was like.

[C]

Thought you were going to get away with it.

[D]

I thought, now I got to get stung by 99.

[A]

Just occurred to me. That is really upsetting for someone in your 70s.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you only had, or will you only have 100 orgas?

[D]

The unfortunate thing is that I started this rule, you know, after I'd had a number of orgasms.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[D]

And I said, I gotta count those. I gotta count the one that I've had.

[A]

Oh, you counted the previous ones?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Had you already been keeping track of them?

[A]

Doesn't everybody?

[D]

I, I, I hadn't track of them, but I was able to retrace my steps.

[C]

Retrace your step going back through your search history.

[D]

Yeah. I could remember every time I masturbated.

[A]

Wait, do you have autobiographical memory?

[C]

Do you have Mary Lou Henner disease?

[A]

Autobiographical memory?

[D]

I have both of these.

[C]

You have both?

[A]

They're one and the same.

[B]

That's a phenomenal skill. You could be as successful as Mary Lou. Hannah.

[D]

I could be in a, in, in Noises off, of course.

[A]

Of course. I would love to see you in Noises.

[D]

I could be in Johnny Dangerously.

[C]

You'd be so good.

[D]

She was in that race.

[C]

Yes, she was.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, you fargon ice hole.

[C]

I was, I was gonna say, I thought that you had the dreadlocks and the super long dirty Mike Campbell type hair because you were in Dread Zeppelin. It's just because you've already reached your 100 haircuts.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, no.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So you can never have a haircut. And your fingernails, I've noticed, super long.

[B]

You've attained haircut.

[A]

Can this show just be over?

[C]

All right. 975. We're done.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

August, any more travel tips?

[B]

Yeah. Okay, listen, when you're going, you gotta pick up some phrases that people use when you're there. Such as in England, I'm going to pop round to shops for a Cadbury chocolate or that is as plump as a king's finger.

[C]

Good tip.

[A]

Wow, that is a good tip.

[C]

That's a really good tip.

[A]

Is there like a book of these phrases that you use or they that you've written?

[B]

No. That's a good idea. I should write a book.

[A]

I showed August Lyn's travel tip.

[D]

I thought another friend of Ours did do that. You haven't done that.

[B]

I never wrote a book.

[D]

I assumed you were a travel guy.

[B]

I. I do a lot of traveling, but I never wrote no Boat.

[C]

He's being cucked by his boss.

[A]

He's a salt inspector. Which is ironic because you are a salt inspector.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

So it would be very easy to mishear both of your professions.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

Because my.

[A]

But ironically, we've not misheard those in a. In a show full of misheards.

[D]

What's really funny. Funny is my dad was an asphalt inspector. Really?

[A]

That's interesting.

[D]

And he pronounced it as fault.

[B]

Asphalt. Asphalt.

[D]

Asphalt inspector.

[B]

Isn't that something?

[C]

That is really interesting. Yeah.

[B]

It's like the results of my test.

[C]

Oh, I don't think so, because we are running out of time. But we only do have time for one final feature. That is a little something called plugs. Yes. Thank you. That was THX Plug Bag by Chris Finke.

[A]

Oh, Finky.

[C]

Finkey. Finky.

[A]

Thank you, Prolific April. He makes doughboys. Drops. How did this get made?

[D]

No Count Drop.

[C]

You like Count Dropula.

[D]

Count Dropula?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What did you say?

[C]

I said you like Count Dropula?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Or the. I prefer dropping Drop King.

[C]

Wow. Four to one.

[D]

Sharon Jones and the Drop Kings.

[A]

She rang that bell.

[C]

What are we plugging, guys? Obviously we want to plug. The Comedy Bang Bang ground beefing tour is continuing apace. We're going to England and Ireland and Scotland. In just a week's time, we're going to be in London. Then we're going to, I believe, Bristol, Manchester and Leeds and then Glad, Glasgow, and then finishing it all up in Ireland. And that's going to be myself, Paul F. Tompkins and Andy Daly are going to be on all those shows. So that'll be a lot of fun. What do you guys. Do you have anything? Jason, do you have anything to plug?

[A]

I'll plug. How did this get made? The podcast that I do with Paul Shear and June Diane Rayfield, and as you mentioned earlier, Taskmaster Season 19, the entirety of it is on YouTube.

[C]

Great. Watch it all.

[D]

How come I can't find taskmaster Australia? Episode 9, Season 5, Episode 9.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Is it really.

[C]

Is it really contacting someone?

[D]

Yeah, it's not showing up on YouTube.

[A]

Siri text Alex Horn. Listen up.

[D]

What's up?

[A]

Episode nine, season five, Australia Face.

[D]

Why are they blocking this? I watched one through eight and then nine's two weeks. Two weeks hasn't been.

[A]

Wait, is this the season that's airing right now with Brett destroying everything?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll get to the bottom of it.

[C]

Yeah, get to the bottom.

[A]

Get to the bottom of it. And then not for nothing, because I have nothing to do with this show, but Widows Bay is the best show on television.

[B]

So stop. Yeah, that's.

[C]

We watched that on the first part of our tour and the second part of the tour as well.

[A]

Everybody should be watching Widows Bay.

[C]

Good show. Good show.

[B]

I want to visit that island.

[A]

Oh, we all do.

[C]

Schmeiderberg might send you there. I'd love to go.

[B]

To be swallowed by the frogs.

[A]

I mean, I bet there's great salt on that island.

[B]

We'll see.

[C]

Yeah. At least in the diner, right?

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[C]

Yeah. And August Lynn, do you to want to plug anything?

[B]

What is going on? I'm writing a book of travel tips.

[C]

Wow. Already? Do you have a book deal already?

[D]

This is a new one.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I already got a book deal. I contacted someone I know in publishing is no big deal. Oh, during the break and when you had playing the plug song it was so long.

[C]

Oh, one of the shortest ones we've ever had is 10 seconds.

[B]

But I had time to get a contract for writing books.

[A]

I did look over and he was signing a docu sign on his phone. Okay.

[C]

Congrats.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

And Dave Blynn, do you want to plug?

[D]

Is so cool.

[C]

Yeah, DocuSign is cool.

[D]

Sorry.

[C]

You really lit up talking about. So we've established the things you like making Halloween sound effects.

[D]

I don't like that good at it.

[C]

You're just really good at it.

[D]

Yeah, I hate it.

[C]

Okay. Mo City and docu sign.

[D]

God, I love city.

[C]

We got to combine all your.

[D]

If I could go to Molar City and sign something via docu sign.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[D]

It be in heaven.

[C]

Do you want to plug anything, though?

[D]

Yeah, I have a documentary on Vimeo and you have to watch it real fast because they're about to get rid of their video on demand. By the time you hear this might already be gone. But it's called Doug Blynn A song of Despair and it's all about me reviewing Led Zeppelin's albums.

[C]

Dread Zeppelin's or Led Zeppelin.

[D]

Led Zeppelin's albums and comparing them to Dread Zeppelin's albums. And guess who I think is better? Led Zeppelin.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Savage.

[A]

A savage.

[B]

Yeah, but that's motivated reasoning.

[D]

I don't. I mean, you can think that if you want.

[C]

You think you're just impartial about this.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And we've talked about this a bunch on this show, but because people will

[D]

be Confused by the names, which is something that I said a million times.

[A]

Do you think that people should not watch the documentary on YouTube about Dread Zeppelin called A Song of Hope? Hope.

[D]

I mean, they're welcome to. But, you know, you're also welcome to jump off a fucking bridge.

[A]

Okay, so you're inviting.

[B]

That's another one of my travel tips.

[C]

Oh, Schneiderberg. Sending you to one of those.

[A]

Wherever you are, take the opportunity to jump off a bridge.

[B]

Find whatever, whatever is the most famous or the highest bridge and jump off that.

[D]

Son of a. Yeah, you could watch that documentary. You could eat a battery. You know what I mean? There's all kinds of things you could do.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I know a guy with a bag full of batteries if you really wanted to eat one.

[D]

A bag full?

[C]

Yeah, he's got like a pillowcase full of batteries.

[B]

I think it's a gym bag.

[C]

Oh, is it a gym bag? I thought it was a pillowcase.

[B]

Could be.

[C]

All right.

[D]

That sounds like a strange person.

[C]

It really does. I want to plug. I already man mentioned our tour dates. At least the UK and Ireland dates, but we have several after that. We're going to reschedule the Boston, hopefully add a couple of new ones. We also have the Southwest dates, plus the LA date. That's going to be a big one because, you know, so many of our guests are here in LA. Plus, hey Randy is opening for us. That's September 19th. All of the tour dates and ticket links are [e-mail] tour. And while you're at CBB World, our Maximus subscribers can hear all of the live dates as we do them. They're all put up within 48 hours of US doing them. And you get so many other shows there. Neighborhood Listen and the aforementioned. Hey Randy and who, me and Scott hasn't seen so much stuff going on over there. All right, let's. Oh, oh. I also wanted to mention, by the way, we have a limited order window from until July 20th. The Comedy Bang Bang Tour variant action figures are available now. Because they didn't make it to some of the tour dates, we wanted to make them available to you. The ground Beefing tour exclusives are [e-mail] until July 20 or while supplies last.

[D]

I'm so sorry. I didn't get a chance to finish my plugs.

[C]

I'm sorry. Go ahead. Yes.

[D]

If you're going to assault someone, but you don't want to get in legal trouble for it, work it all out. Make a plan and contact me via letterboxd. I'm on there as.

[C]

Do you review movies?

[D]

No, I'm on there as Blin Blend Time.

[C]

Blim Blitz.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. You just accept like, DMs and stuff?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. You've never reviewed a movie or logged any movies while you're there?

[D]

I am afraid to watch a movie because I don't have to watch 100.

[C]

It's easy to watch 100 movies. That's one of the things I thought you would enjoy.

[D]

100 movies.

[A]

That would be wonderful. What a wonderful way to pass the time.

[B]

You could just do the AFI 100 and be done with it.

[C]

It's the easy way to do it.

[D]

So many movies.

[C]

So. So back to Jason's question. You're. You're not able to watch like 100 episodes of anger Management and then move Night Court or something? You have to. It's TV shows.

[D]

Those are the 100 episodes of anger Management.

[C]

You know how they made that big syndication deal so that they.

[B]

It was the 1090 for.

[C]

Okay, look, let's close up the old plug back.

[A]

Bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, Bag.

[C]

Malice. Oh, there's.

[A]

I like the fart sound.

[C]

That was. What's everyone's Bagel Order by Eddie Wolfrum. Thanks so much to Eddie Wolfrum. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com plugs and you'll find everything you need over there. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Jason, so great to see you.

[A]

Great to see you. What a blast.

[C]

What a blast. Wish you could come to 975. Happy to be. Thank you very much. Wish you could come to the UK with us. But you will be here filming.

[A]

I'm so sad. I'm so sad to miss it. It would be so fun. You've got a great group and maybe there'll be some special guests.

[C]

Who knows? And August Lindt, great meeting you. Oh, no, we have. You've been on the show before, of course.

[B]

Many times.

[C]

Yeah. But great. Great seeing you. I'm gonna stop introducing you as Salt Inspector and instead introducing you as the world's biggest cuck.

[B]

What means that?

[C]

It's a American expression.

[B]

Okay, yeah, I'll have to look it up.

[C]

Sure. And Dave Blynn, this is the first of your 99.

[D]

Oh, man.

[C]

100 episodes. Rather, you have 99 more to go. So we do agree to appear on this. You must have been thinking. I'm going to do.

[A]

Actually, can I ask a question?

[C]

It's all. It's 99 podcast.

[A]

It's all podcast. Have you been on 99 other podcasts.

[C]

Go do do, boys.

[A]

Is this your last one?

[C]

Were you on WTF before they closed.

[A]

WTF before they locked. Before they locked up the gates for good?

[D]

I remember talking on some format to Obama and Springsteen.

[A]

What?

[D]

I was on Sesh.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[C]

Were you on Club Random by.

[D]

I was on Club Random recently.

[C]

Recurring segment on Club.

[A]

Were you on Fly. Were you on FL on the Wall?

[D]

And a recurring segment of. So that doesn't count.

[C]

That was the first season.

[D]

That was.

[B]

That's a hell of a podcast. People on that nobody else will talk to. And then he doesn't let them talk.

[C]

They get. They finally get an opportunity to talk, and then he doesn't let them.

[D]

What I like is that they also don't like him. These are other. These are other despicable people who no one wants to talk to.

[C]

Disdain for this.

[D]

I don't even like you.

[B]

Yeah, it's beautiful.

[C]

It's a great show.

[A]

Miserable.

[C]

So, yeah, go do. How did this get made? Like, you know, 50 more times or however many you have left?

[D]

I've never done how this get made.

[C]

Yeah, you got to do it.

[A]

We'd love to have you. Is there a movie you'd like to talk about?

[D]

Oh, no. Then I have to watch a movie.

[C]

Oh, oh, that's. You can't do Scott Essence either. But, August, you got to do it because you're a cile.

[B]

Yeah, of course I will do it. I don't know how. You could be on Bananas for Bonanza.

[C]

Is that a show?

[A]

Is that a show you're aware of?

[B]

Oh, banana huge in germinate.

[C]

Only watching 100 of those would be a shame.

[A]

Yeah, because it's only just getting started.

[D]

Well, it's 100 TV shows.

[C]

It's just getting into a groove.

[D]

Yeah, I've already seen 100 TV shows.

[A]

What about your voice? You could be on your voice

[D]

with Randall Canfield. Yes, I love that show.

[A]

I love that show. That's a radio show.

[D]

They don't have to be on 100 radio shows.

[A]

Oh, I guess that's true.

[C]

You could be on Prairie Home Companion or something. I don't know.

[A]

That show doesn't exist anymore, idiot, okay?

[D]

It changes. It changes location, then it changed its name, then it disappeared, just like all of us. Right?

[C]

It's a lesson for life. You know what? I like you, man.

[D]

I really didn't mean any harm.

[C]

I didn't mean any harm either. And even though.

[D]

Hello?

[A]

Hello. Murray Povich.

[C]

Oh, Mari Povich is here. Come on in.

[D]

Hey, I'm ready to give the results oh, please. The end envelope.

[C]

I thought you were supposed to bring the envelope. Okay, interesting. So you have the.

[D]

I just got here.

[B]

The result came out, so. Okay, this is. You know. But I've done this so many times. Maury, you and I have done this so many times.

[D]

August, it's great to see you. Are you ready to find out?

[A]

They've got a great dynamic.

[D]

If this guy. What's his name?

[C]

Dave Blynn.

[D]

If Dave Blynn is or. Or is not the father.

[B]

He does this every time. It's incredible.

[A]

Now, just for clarity's sake, Mori we're finding out if Dave Blynn is or isn't the father. But could the results be also true for Ja Bonjavi or any

[C]

Minogue, Kylie, Selassie, Tone, Locke, Patois, Benatar, Babylon, Chaney, or whatever that last one was, was

[D]

F and I Young Cannibals.

[A]

F and I. Young Cannibals.

[C]

Yes, Young Cannibals.

[B]

How can you forget that one?

[D]

Speaking of F, are they all the same guy?

[A]

O. They. We believe they are.

[B]

I believe they would have the same DNA.

[D]

Then, yes. Okay, are you ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You didn't ask us if we were ready.

[B]

Not.

[A]

I mean, he asked the room. Why are you treating Mory like you treat Dave?

[C]

I just, you know, I'd like to be.

[A]

You're giving Mory the same energy you give Dave, and that makes no sense,

[C]

because we love more, but I love Dave.

[D]

I have so little time left on this earth. Please treat me with respect.

[C]

All right.

[B]

He doesn't look good. Are you ready, Dave Blynn?

[D]

I guess. What is this for again?

[B]

It's to find out better. You're my father.

[D]

I doubt it.

[B]

Oh, yeah, me too.

[D]

The results are in. Dave Blynn, you are not the father.

[C]

So close.

[A]

You don't want to dance the m.

[C]

Go ahead, stand up.

[D]

Hey.

[A]

Hey.

[C]

You're a fantastic dancer.

[D]

I never danced before.

[B]

No, no.

[C]

You got to dance 99 more times.

[D]

I love to.

[A]

He's smiling.

[C]

This was great Dancing in Molar City. Doc, you sign the Molar. Doc, you sign dancer D to sign

[D]

a contract to be a professional dancer in Mo City.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

This is what I have to do.

[C]

This is.

[D]

What do I have to. To do?

[C]

Yes. We found it.

[D]

I have to become a professional dancer in Molar City.

[C]

Hey, Docusign, while you're doing this and

[A]

you're only in your 70s, everything is possible.

[C]

That's right. Yeah. What an amazing show. All right, guys, thanks so much. We'll see you next time.

[D]

Bye. I wrote a little song to remind you Choice hotels get you more of the experiences you value.

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[A]

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[D]

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