Wet Day 2026 (Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver, Ryan Gaul)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast

Episode: Wet Day 2026

Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver (as Spike), Ryan Gaul (as Ike), Carolyn Parker
Date: April 6, 2026

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Episode Overview

This raucous episode celebrates "Wet Day," a holiday invented and annually commemorated on Comedy Bang Bang. The show features returning staples—Paul F. Tompkins, the surreal elderly duo Spike and Ike Mink Samus (Drew Tarver & Ryan Gaul), and receptionist Carolyn Parker—delivering a flood of absurdist traditions, callbacks, new holiday lore, running gags, and classic CBB banter. The result is an episode dense with layered inside jokes, deranged character energy, and the goofiest myth-making about the wettest (and weirdest) holiday of the year.

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Main Segments & Highlights

1. Opening Banter: The State of Wet Day & Announcements ([01:26]-[09:45])

• Scott and Paul open—sopping and dripping wet—with thanks to “Funky Dance Cat” for the Wet Day catchphrase.
• Classic riffing kicks off, arguing whether ice counts as water and comparing numbers to living beings:

  “Anytime you go, like, ‘hey, look over there, it's the numbers 1 through 5.’ 4 is usually either off...So.”
  —Scott Aukerman, [03:43]

• Wet Day lore is debated: Urkel vs. Poseidon as patron saint (“Jim Belushi used to be...Urkel is now the new patron” — Scott, [04:50]).
• Major announcement: The Comedy Bang Bang Ground Beefing Tour 2026, starting May 25 in Toronto, with more dates to follow and a presale code: “beefing.”

  "So relax. We're going to be doing the UK and...the west coast and the south and all Earth."
  —Scott Aukerman, [07:16]

• Running joke: Attendees may receive free “Tex Mex”—if Scott and Paul can figure out what that is.
• Paul and Scott lean into the joke that not visiting a city means “we hate it” ([09:08]).

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2. Wet Day Traditions, Facts, & Rituals ([09:46]-[32:32])

A deep dive into the ever-expanding canon of Wet Day:

• Origin: Created in 2021 after April Fool’s pranks, Wet Day gives everyone nine days to dry off, then get "wet again."

  "After enduring wet themed pranks on April Fool's Day, everyone will have nine days to dry off and then get wet again on wet days."
  —Scott Aukerman, [10:30]

• Traditions Recap: (name-checked by both hosts)
  • Wet Day Eve: Put everything you own in the shower and climb on top ([11:22]).
  • Wet tree: Place a "wettest tree you can find" outside your home, bending it so it leans inside ([11:58]).
  • Decorations: Popcorn and ice cubes strung together ([11:43]).
  • Visiting "wet places": Waterworld stunt show (sit in the splash zone!), not tar pits (which are sticky, not wet) ([13:24], [17:58]).
• If not celebrating Wet Day: Go to “the driest movie, Dune” ([13:30]).
• Other Traditions:
  • Host "Wet T-shirt" and "Wet Sweater" contests.
  • Take a 45-minute-to-1-hour shower (“because right now we take 30 min showers, because of the drought” — Scott, [16:18]).
  • Eat a “big wet meal”—soup, poutine, etc.
  • Sleep in a full tub.
  • Toss water balloons into local businesses.
  • Water-replacing prank gadgets (flowers, pens).
  • Buy new electronics the day after Wet Day due to drenching everything ([16:55]).

Marvelous Holiday Lore:

• The "enemy" of Wet Day is Free Willy (“you’re allowed to shoot him and make a movie called Kill Willy”—Scott, [14:17]).
• “Jonah is the wettest character in the Bible” —Scott, [14:54].
• “Weird Al should call himself Wet Al on Wet Day” —Paul, [14:57].
• “Cults are welcome to claim Wet Day” —Paul & Scott ([15:13]).
• Camels are the true Wet Day animals for their water storage and spitting ([30:06]).

New Musical Submissions ([22:34]-[25:19]):

• The hosts review listener-made “Wet Day Carols,” including “Wet Day Rock and Roll” and the catchy, dirty “I’m So Wet”:

  "That song, by the way, sounded dirtier than anything Prince ever imagined."
  —Paul F. Tompkins, [25:11]

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3. Guest Segment: Spike & Ike Mink Samus (The Elderly Gentlemen) ([35:24]-[56:25])

• Elderly regulars Spike and Ike return with hyper-fixation on protecting their granddaughter (“Stay away from our granddaughter!” [35:57]), and a new twist: a newborn grandson whom they require everyone to rough up.
• Comically elaborate medical backstory: Swiveling heads, robotic penises, tennis elbow installed for handicap, “flash surgery” for super speed—all done in an annual “Medical Day.”
• Major Announcement:

  "Our daughter had another child… We now have a grandson… and we're here to tell you we don't give a about our grandson. Go close. Go as close as you want."
  —Spike & Ike, [43:02]

• Grandson’s address is “0,” age is “0,” and he moves houses each birthday ([44:34]).
• Humorous threats for failing to comply (e.g., “Manchester Mankini” is a coffin) and slapstick logic for roughing up their grandson.
• Spike & Ike's inter-character bickering and logic mongering continues, as their surgeries devolve as the segment ends (“Our surgeries are reversing!” [86:20]).

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4. Guest Segment: Carolyn Parker, Receptionist ([57:53]-[98:51])

• Carolyn returns, dispensing deadpan office updates and inadvertently sexual workplace details.
• Workplace Absurdities:
  • She works at “Feature and Tombs Dental Surgery and Spa,” now with a back expansion and “tooth dunking” (lukewarm saltwater dunk, optional robes for teeth) ([61:45]-[63:29]).
  • Soup of the Day at the dentist’s office, “BYO Crackers,” and a drink station with knockoff sodas (e.g., “Hill Wet” for Mountain Dew, “Dick Pilsner” for A&W) ([77:01], [79:38]).
  • Spa and dentistry are in a perpetual cycle: the spa erodes teeth, sending people to the dentist, and the dentist sends people back to the spa for cosmetic criticisms ([80:01]).
• Carolyn is in an “open” relationship with Dr. Tombs and Dr. Beecher, with code-language for trysts (“coupon for a sandwich” = sex), and casual wrestling matches in the workplace ([76:12]).
• Running gags persist: Spike & Ike demand everyone “stay away from our granddaughter” and “go near our grandson” ([84:54]).

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5. Plugs & Close-Out ([90:33]-[98:51])

• Spike & Ike plug their grandson’s location (0), encourage the audience to come push him, and plug Netflix’s “Running Point” ([91:50]).
• Paul (as one of the guests) plugs "Varietopia" at the Bell House in Brooklyn.
• Carolyn plugs “Feature and Tombs” office and Instagram account “rygal”.
• Scott hypes the revamped cbbworld.com website: searchable, thousands of ad-free episodes plus show-specific features ([95:54]).
• Final Wet Day sendoffs:

  “Many Urkel to you.”
  “Juice to you as well.”
  —Scott, Spike & Ike, [97:38]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Wet Day lore expanding every year:

  “There are only three numbers between zero and wet: 1, 2, 3, and wet.”
  —Scott Aukerman, [14:41]

• On the "sacred" presale code for the tour:

  “We live by this code. Yes, we...and we die by this code. And the code is beefing.”
  —Paul F. Tompkins, [08:17]

• On serving soup at a dental spa:

  "He just gets the milk...just the texture. Just a hot bisque."
  —Carolyn Parker & Paul F. Tompkins, [83:47]-[83:51]

• On job responsibility and relationships at the dental spa:

  “Once or twice a day I’ll go down on...and three or four times a day, he’ll go down on me. It’s part of my job.”
  —Carolyn Parker, [69:19]

• On traditions sticking or not:

  “Did we make any movement on [canceling April Fool’s]?...Two years later, so I’m gonna guess no.”
  —Paul F. Tompkins, [10:53]

• On their failed surgeries reversing:

  “The flash operation is reversing! ...All of the surgeries are reversing. Their butts are getting smaller, their boobs are getting smaller, their heads are no longer swivel. Are you guys all right?”
  —Scott Aukerman, [86:20]

• Absolute meta absurdity:

  “Did you eat a soup with a cracker? Are you just eating crumbs?”
  —Scott Aukerman, [77:05]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------------|---------------------| | Opening/CBB Tour Announcement | 01:26 – 09:45 | | Wet Day Canon: Traditions & Lore | 09:46 – 32:32 | | Wet Day Carols Contest | 22:48 – 25:19 | | Arrival: Spike & Ike Mink Samus | 35:24 – 56:25 | | Receptionist Carolyn Parker Joins | 57:53 – 98:51 | | Plugs & Episode Close-Out | 90:33 – 98:51 |

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Episode Tone and Style

• Language: Goofy, pun-heavy, laden with references, and self-aware nonsense.
• Playfulness: Characters go all-in on their bizarre quirks; recurring lines like "stay away from our granddaughter" and “juicy to you/many Urkels” underline the communal in-jokes.
• Absurdism: The entire Wet Day mythos snowballs with ever-more intricate and contradictory details, as characters riff with mock earnestness.

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Listener Takeaway

Fans and newcomers get a hyper-concentrated dose of Comedy Bang Bang’s style: relentless avalanche of holiday-adjacent inside jokes, aging character weirdos, mock rituals, devilish non-sequiturs, playful group scenes, and some of the most farcical lore-spinning in podcasting. If you want to understand the world of Wet Day, its rules, movies, enemies, rituals, and benevolent (or malevolent) spirits—this is the definitive episode.

To observe Wet Day:

• Get soaked, use a wet tree, eat wet food, participate in wacky games, and wish everyone “Many Urkels to you.”
• Just don’t go near the granddaughter. Or forget to roughhouse the grandson.

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For tour info:
Go to cbbworld.com/tour – presale code: “beefing”
For full CBB archives and features:
Visit cbbworld.com

Happy Wet Day!
Juice to you!

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

I have great news.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Malcolm in the Middle is back.

[Scott Aukerman]

My life is fantastic now in a four part event. All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your biggest problem is that we exist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone's invited to the Can't Miss reunion of the year. This family's behavior is toxic to me. We'll just take turns fighting and creating disasters. That's what families do.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Malcolm in the Middle Life's still unfair

[Scott Aukerman]

premieres Friday, April 10th on Hulu and

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers terms apply.

[Scott Aukerman]

America's best network just got bigger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

Best mobile network based on analysis by Oogle of speed test intelligence data 2H2025 bigger network. The combination of T Mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile Network's coverage price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. See t mobile.com for details.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're soaked to the bone. A sight to be met. Drippingly, drenchingly, droolingly wet. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Wow. Thank you to funky Dance Cat for that wet day. Specific catchphrase submission. That was hot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot water can be hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

That has set the the tone. Yes, water can be very, very hot and sometimes blisteringly so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Water can run the temperature from ice to steam.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although it. It cannot be ice, I think because then it's not water any longer. Yeah, technicality.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think a chickens when it becomes poultry, it's not a chicken anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, when it's an egg, it's just an egg, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's chicken egg.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's too early on wet day to get into an argument.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's so true. I don't want to argue on wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not on wet day.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week, Paul. And then now let me welcome the listeners. Listeners, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Should I welcome them as well?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, please do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listeners, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. We have an exceptional show coming up a little later. We have two elderly gentlemen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We also have a receptionist. Oh, wow. What a show. Star studded.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're not. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine anyone passing up on this episode of comedy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it now? I don't want to be greedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not like Greo from Star Wars.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I don't shoot first.

[Scott Aukerman]

The greediest character.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't shoot first.

[Scott Aukerman]

You shoot last though. You know what I mean, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greedo comes first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I want to know, and you have to tell me. Is one of the elderly men also the receptionist?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Let me check my note. No. Although I don't know how old the receptionist is, nor do I know the gender, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But three distinct people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three distinct people will be here in addition to you and myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's five together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Five people on a show together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Five all day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine five of anything in one place at one time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jackson's all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although, was Tito really okay? He was. He was AI, wasn't he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How about this? The numbers from 1 to 5,

[Scott Aukerman]

although 4 is hardly ever there when you think about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't. Okay, let me think about it. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, anytime you go, like, hey, look over there. It's the numbers 1 through 5, right? 4 is usually either off, he's left or. You know what I mean? So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I. I don't like that numbers are alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't like it either, but it's what we've been forced to live with. The Alphabet they all got on Noah's Ark. That's how we have numbers. We could have made them extinct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We had our chance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me explain to whom I'm speaking with. With whom I'm speaking to. To. With whom I'm speaking. He is a gentleman of distinction. He is a racontour Corre. Standup comedian.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where's the life?

[Scott Aukerman]

He is a. I hate to say it, but he's a podcaster.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Confirmed.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is the patron saint of Wet Day. No, he's not. That's.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is One of the originators of this holiday we are celebrating today, along with myself. Please welcome Paul F. Topkins. Woohoo. Happy Wet Day to you many.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Happy Wet Day to you many URLs to you. Many hamburgers to you as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hamburgers to you. Of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, who do we think is the patron state of Wet Day? Has this been established?

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe so. I believe it is Urkel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's his.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm sorry, no. Poseidon, the Greek God, is the patron saint of Wet Day. Jim Belushi used to be. And he was the grand marshal of the Wet Day parade because of his cigars. And then Urkel is now the new patron of Wet Day. But he has to be pushing it all year long now. Part of what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The character Urkel has to be promoting Wet Day all year long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. In order to remain. He's consuming now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do we have the stats on that's the thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need to judge in the middle of today's show whether he really has been doing his duties.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Has Urkel been helping out or hindering?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because much like Miss America, there has to be a backup for Urkel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine? We now get the chance to ask Urkel, did you do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Paul, part of this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you call me Pol Pot?

[Scott Aukerman]

Pol Pot. What have you been up to lately, Pol Pot? Well, I'm in hell, right?

[Spike Mink Samus]

And it's like you're zero.

[Scott Aukerman]

Worst hell for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, Dictator hell. It's terrible. It's not lowest, nothing but dictators. And all day long we have to vote who's in charge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Spike Mink Samus]

And it's dead heat every single time. Everyone votes for themselves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paul, before we get into all of the wet day stuff, I we have a major comedy bang bang announcement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'll say we do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Breaking breaking news.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good evening, Mr. Ms. America and all

[Carolyn Parker]

the ships at sea.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, all of you ships are gonna wanna go to this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you're a ship at sea, time to come back in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Time to get up on land and go to a theater to come see the Comedy Bang Bang ground Beefing Tour 2026.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right, we're beefing the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're beefing so much ground. This week, this week, this tour.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This week. We're never gonna stop.

[Scott Aukerman]

We are announcing the first batch of dates on our 2026 tour today. They're on sale this week and we're starting May 25th in Toronto. That's right, Toronto.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Toronto.

[Scott Aukerman]

Toronto.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Canada.

[Scott Aukerman]

Canada. We're starting May 25th. We're going to Toronto, then we're going to Minnesota, then a whole bunch of dates. These are just the June dates, by the way, that we're, we're announcing. There's going to be just the June dates. Just the June dates. We're going to be doing the Midwest and the east coast in June.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Yeah. So relax.

[Scott Aukerman]

So relax. We're going to be doing the UK and. And then we're going to be doing the west coast and the south and all Earth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Beautiful, beautiful south. The beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

All that kind of stuff. But we're going to be doing Tex Mex. We're going to invent Tex Mex this year. We've just, we've, we finally think we figured it out.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We're so close.

[Scott Aukerman]

Basically. We got to add food from Texas and then another place. We can't quite figure out what it is, but we're, we're going to get there. So Everyone who comes to the shows will get a free Tex Mex meal. If we can figure it out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If we can figure it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which I hope we do.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love to give everybody a text Mex meal if we figure it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can see all the dates@cbb world.com tour and there's that. This is just of course, the June dates. And then we're going to be announcing the rest later. But the other part is we're going to have limited VIP meet and greets every show. And so the tickets go on sale this week. Okay. There's going to be the. The. The code.

[Spike Mink Samus]

This.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is a special.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the code is sacred.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is sacred.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We live by this code.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, we. And we die by this code. And the code is beefing. And that's how you can get tickets on Wednesday for the pre sale and then the regular tickets go on sale Friday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So remember, the code is beefing. Has anyone ever used bro as a code?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just bro.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I don't know why. Oh, because of the bro code. Oh, sure. Code. Bro code. So. But we're really excited. Paul's on every date and then it's the rotating group of comedy Bang Bang All Stars. And we're really excited to get out there and see all of you. And we're hitting a few cities we didn't hit last time. We're hitting some new cities. I think this is going to be fun. And we're hitting our old favorites as well. And if we aren't coming back to your city, it's because we hate it. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You got to think about what you did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. Just think back. And then, and then punish yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So anytime you're writing on to somebody online who is announcing tour dates and you say, why don't you come to this city? Ask the city.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ask the city. Because the city knows what it did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway, we can't wait to see you

[Paul F. Tompkins]

get ready to drag those ships Fitzcarraldo style.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. We want everyone to bring one giant ship with, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just one. One per show.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that ship will get a full Tex Mex meal if we figure it out. Yes, yes. Anyway, so we wanted to mention that. Go to cbb world.com tourful for all of that. And now, Paul, we have to start talking about the reason we're here today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't want to talk about that other stuff anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate it. Paul, it is, of course, wet day. What is wet day? It's a holiday. It's A holiday that we came up with back in 2021, perhaps. And we've been celebrating it ever since. Part of what happens on this very special episode today is Wet Day, observed, of course, is that we undergo the recitation of the facts about wet.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yes, we do. We undergo it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We have a lot of facts about Wet Day that we've spoken about over the years. And. And I'm here to say exactly what we talked about in previous episodes and perhaps add to them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's going to be two hits. Scott, hit me with the facts and my jaw hitting the floor because I

[Scott Aukerman]

can't believe these facts. That's right. Here we go. Wet Day was created because after enduring wet themed pranks on April Fool's Day, everyone will have nine days to dry off and then get wet again on wet days.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

However, we also recommended that we cancel April Fool's Day moving forward in 2024. We recommended this. Now, did it stick?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's two years later, so I'm gonna guess now.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I don't think so.

[Spike Mink Samus]

I don't recall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did we make any movement on that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we recomm. You would think the powers that be were listening to us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can we pin this on Urkel?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Urkel, what's going on? Wet day Eve celebrated three months before January 10th. Leap Day. February 29th is a second Wet Day Eve should it occur within the calendar year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did not occur this year.

[Spike Mink Samus]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. So we've only had one Wet Day Eve. On Wet Day Eve, you should put everything you own in the shower and then get on top of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, get on top of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should be decorating for Wet Day on St. Patrick's Day, March 17. I hope everyone did that. Paul, you mentioned you demoisten things starting in October so you can start being really wet by midnight on Wet Day Eve.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You put everything you own into the shower. Decorations for wet days. String together popcorn and ice cubes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, the wet tree. That's a big, big part of the wet tree. The wet tree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love the wet tree. And I get a real wet tree every year.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Now, here's what you do. You place a wet tree outside your house or apartment, and then open the window and bend it so it leans a little bit inside. The primary thing is the tree has to be wet. Not the wettest tree in the world. Just the wettest tree you can find.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you're not trying to set a record. You Just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, just the wettest you can find.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It has to be. Just make it a wet tree.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely. If you find a wet tree and then there's a wetter tree over there, you have to discard the first tree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, do you. Do you know what a wet tree looks like?

[Spike Mink Samus]

You do?

[Scott Aukerman]

You do. Obviously you do. When I say the words wet tree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's right there in your mind.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you understand degrees of wetness, I hope so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unless you're a little baby listening to this show for the first time. Wet day traditions. Poseidon, the Greek God, of course, we mentioned as the patron saint of wet day. Urkel is also. There are three wet ghosts in wet bedsheets who visit on wet day. One is. One is Ted Danson and the lady in Creepshow, probably Christine Forest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then also Leslie Nielsen because he was in Great show as well. Wet day is the day to spray Elon Musk with the civil rights grade fire hose, if you can. If you see him out in the wild and he'll laugh and he'll. He'll appreciate it.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Sure he will.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got a great sense of humor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Michael Richards is a wet day thing due to being sprayed in the movie uhf.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do we have to keep that one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe, Maybe not. Waterworld is, of course, the wet day movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you have to go to the Waterworld stunt show on wet day. And you have to sit in the spot Splash zone.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you don't celebrate Wet Day, you have to go see Dune, because that's the driest movie.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Avatar Way of Water was declared the wet day movie in 2023.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does it replace Waterworld?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess so. Yeah. But there is no stunt show for Avatar. The way of water is there. There should be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There should be.

[Scott Aukerman]

There really should be. Okay, new rule. Create a stunt show in your backyard for Avatar Way of Water. However you can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

However you can. Doesn't have to be great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whatever's available to you. If you're friends with a lot of stunt performers, great. That's gonna be a great stunt show. Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But if you just have your dumb kids to rely on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just they like to rambunctiously run or whatever. What am I trying to roughhouse? Roughhousing? Carousing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Free Willy is the enemy of wet day. Because Willy is already wet. He's jumping out of the water in the poster, not wanting to be wet. So if you see Willy on wet day, you're allowed to shoot him and then make a movie about it. Kill Willy, I guess, would be the title.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Swimmer with Burt Lancaster is a great Wet Day movie because it features a person getting wet.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Over and over again.

[Scott Aukerman]

There are only three numbers between 0 and wet. 1, 2, 3 and wet.

[Carolyn Parker]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. That is one of the things we talked about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's only three numbers between zero and wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet. 1, 2, 3.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet. Yes. Jonah is the wettest character in the Bible. Of course. Yes. Weird Al should call himself Wet Al on Wet Day, obviously. That's right. Wet Day is not a religious holiday. We have to mention. Although bids from religious groups, including cults, are welcome to claim Wet Day. We have. Has anyone tried to claim what day this year with you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They haven't come to me. Have they come to you?

[Scott Aukerman]

They haven't come to me either.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I cannot stress this enough. Cults are welcome culture. Well, we will entertain all offers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, if we hear Urkel has gone into a cult, we'll kind of know what's happening.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. On Wednesday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or is he trying to escape from us?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's true. Maybe he doesn't want to be a part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where is Urkel? Do we have eyes on her?

[Scott Aukerman]

Eyes on her. Do we have a 20 on Urkel?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where's Urkel?

[Scott Aukerman]

Urkel, what's your 20 on wet day? Paul's name is Paul Wet Tompkins. The F is gone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, if you are not wet on Wet Day, you will get punched in the nose so hard that the wettest liquid comes out of his blood, of course. And people can keep punching until blood comes out. You say juice like David Schwimmer does In the People vs. O.J. simpson American Crime story. Use juice as a greeting.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

This can come after many Urkels to you. Which is the traditional greeting of Wet day, of course, which we'll remember next year. Of course. Now what to do for Wet day? Take a longer shower than usual. 45 minutes to an hour. Because right now we take showers that are 30 minutes. Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Because of the drought.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because of the drought.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. We have to cap our showers at 30 minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

30 minutes. So on Wet day, though, you can take a little bit longer. Can take 45 minutes to an hour. Eat a big wet meal, soup, preferably poutine. Sleep in a full tub. Visit. Visit wet places. Toss water balloons into local businesses and customers. Take the ink out of a pen and fill it with water also. Then put that ink into a vaudeville esque squirting flower. Part of Wet Day activities is buying new technology after Wet Day since all of your electronics will have gotten wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Drenched.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. So I mean, that's a fun part of, you know, it's a lot like the day after Thanksgiving. Oh, it's Black Friday. The day after wet day is so fun. Oh, I love that. The day after wet day, though, you get to go buy all new electronics.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They should. Honestly, I would love it if people would embrace this. If retail establishments would embrace this and have wet day sales.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For the people observing wet day, so they're not getting two weeks ripped off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two weeks leading up to it. Hey, we have a wet day sale. Buy. Buy a bunch of electronics. And then, of course, you know, on wet day, you have to get them all wet. But it's like, then it's cheaper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's the thing.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Try it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just if you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If, you know, if, you know, these people are observant and they are destroying their electronics on wet day and then the next day having to buy new electronics. I mean, this is money in your pocket.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every single worst thing that could happen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Worst thing that could happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess nuclear war.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you're really zooming out. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I mean, yeah. I mean, not because of all this. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I meant in this situation, but you in this situation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Got it. Some of the wet places that were recommended to visit were going surfing, skiing, and into a tarp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Going surfing.

[Scott Aukerman]

However, on tar pits, I believe I read the tar pits are not wet. They're sticky, but they're not wet. Yeah. On wet day, though, regardless of your gender identity or age, you should tell people, look, I'm an old man, since your fingers will be pruny and wrinkled from being wet and on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do you say, look, I'm an old man look? Are you saying like, look, I'm an old man?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, because that's. Are you saying, let's say it, I'm an old man. Look, I am your father.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think Darth Vader had pruney fingers?

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet he did. Underneath. Yeah. I bet his fingers probably sweat a lot. His fingers matched his face. I would think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They usually do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. On Wednesday, store you have. One should host wet T shirt contests.

[Spike Mink Samus]

So one should.

[Scott Aukerman]

One should also host a wet sweater contest because you can't sell sweater without sweat, which is wet and also has wet in it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, did I tell then the story of seeing a poster of Kathy Lee Crosby? She was one of the hosts of that's incredible. And she had.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying that's incredible. What was she the hostess?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She. Well, coincidentally, a show called that's incredible. And there was a cheesecake photo of her wearing a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not. Not something you should eat on wet day, by the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's not wet enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not wet enough. Not what I. I think. What's the wettest?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Seems wet isn't wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Melted ice cream.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Melted ice cream is pretty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet ice cream.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot ice cream like Tyra Banks makes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If when I. If hot ice cream exists next year, you should eat it for wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. We're not certain it will, but Tyra Banks it won't. Tyra Banks could be the backup to Urkel because she's so invested in hot ice cream.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, she's more. I, I would say she's more invested in it than anyone else.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyone else on earth. She's. Anyone who's ever eaten it at one of her stores.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyone who's ever sold it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think she loves wet hot ice cream so much that she could be the backup to Urkel. And she's not divisive at all these days. So I think that's great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if they made a movie called Wet Hot Ice Cream and it was the whole gang from summer.

[Scott Aukerman]

They Bradley Cooper especially. Non negotiable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bradley Cooper especially. And they somehow added four more white people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa. That would be amazing. Do you, do we know any. Oh, wait, you and me, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe the two elderly gentlemen as well. The official wet day after show is Watch Wet Happens Live, which will be live regardless of where you are or what time it is. And on the show they will invite alcoholics of past, present and future celebrating alcoholism. So future alcoholics who have not even started drinking yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think it's going to be hardest to get the present ones or like they have to agree see that they are alcoholic.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But the future one, it'll be quite a blow to them once they hear about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Perhaps because they're selected.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. If you drink something on wet day, it should not have ice. If you do have to get something on the rocks, wait 30 minutes for it to melt first. So that I think solves the ice. No?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. Yeah, it solves. If it solves the problem of you have to get something on the rocks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's no way around.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no way around it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have to order it that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But people say, hey, we don't serve drinks straight up or neat here. That's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Right out you pixies go.

[Scott Aukerman]

On Wed day you can drink Barbicide. That's Right, now here's as much as you want. As much as you want. We have talked about wet day carols and last year we talked about a couple songs. We talked about Fat Juicy and Wet by Sexy Red and Bruno Mars. We also talked about Bus Stop by the Holidays, which mentions Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two people sang that song.

[Scott Aukerman]

They needed to help each other out

[Paul F. Tompkins]

to make that happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. When one would get tired, Bruno Mars would step in and say, let me take it from here. And vice versa.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm exhausted. Tag me. Tag me now. Wet Day, Bus Stop by the Hollies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We came to the conclusion, if memory serves, that it's the anti wet day carol.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Because what are the lyrics again? It says something to the effect of wet day and then it doesn't like it. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're using an umbrella to keep from being wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No, umbrellas, honestly, are not wet day wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's an insult.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unless it's like an ice sculpture umbrella and it's melted. Yeah. The half hour before wet day starts,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

if you carry an umbrella, it should be all the canvas is gone. It's just the spines.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just the spines. Like you're a cartoon. Yeah. Character who's been blown up or something while carrying an umbrella.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because first you have an umbrella because you're going to shield yourself from the falling rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Yes. And then it explodes, much like Wile E. Coyote has exploded many a time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If a rock falls from a great enough height, it will explode.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. We also talked about through the Rain, Mariah Carey's wettest song. But we have had a couple of submissions of Wet Day Carols listeners creating Wet Day carols.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I thought I would play both of them and we could vote on which one we decide to be the official Wet Day carol. All right, this one was submitted a year ago, but not in time for us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For our approval.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, for our approval. This is by Dan Louiselle. This is Wet Day Rock and roll. A wet day carol. Let's hear this one. Wet day, wet day Rock and roll into swinging, splashing trip Grab your shades and hose em down and let those babies drip Wet day, wet day rock and roll and I cannot believe it's been a year since getting wet. A month since Wet Day Eve don't be square, don't dry your hair It's a moistened holiday but if my granddaughter comes around to see the Halloween oh, you dolly way peas Please tease the keys and lubricate the pole it's wet day wet Day. Wet day. Rock and roll.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was tremendous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tremendous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love. I love just putting rock and roll into something.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. This is our second submission. This is by the only people who matter. And this is called I'm so Wet. I'm so wet from my head down to my tushy, baby I'm so wet from my feet up to my pussy and there's nothing you can say that would make me regret the way I celebrate the day we get so wet I'm so wet from my head down to my tushy, baby I'm so wet from my feet up to my pussy and there's nothing you can say that would make me regret the way I celebrate the day we get so wet Ooh, a fade out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fade out on a carol.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's disqualifying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's that song, by the way. Sounded dirtier than anything Prince ever imagined.

[Scott Aukerman]

He never even imagined something so dirty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He couldn't even. He would blush.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was like. If he ever heard the word Prince. By the way, are. Are actually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you mean sugar balls?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that what you're talking about? Sugar balls?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sugar balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sugar balls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's me, Prince.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's me, Jack, with my sugar balls. Oh, Mary. Are. Are kind of wet day things, are they? Not. Wet day things. I do have to mention that the day after wet day, when that day is a Friday, is called Friday dry day. John suggested that. That's right. The La Tar pits are out. They're goopy and sticky. Not wet. The foundational question of wet day dares to ask, what game is God playing with us?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we ask that at wet day dinner.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we go around the table, see if anybody has a good answer. Should we try it right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With you and me.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go. The question is, what game is God playing with us? You're so wet.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great job.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. I feel very damp. I can't see that well because rivulets of water.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are filtering into my eyes. What game is God playing with us? I think that God we are. We are mice in. In the paws of a God cat.

[Scott Aukerman]

So very important. Important because they love playing with money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's torturing us before eventually killing us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Do you want to ask me what game is God playing with us, Scott,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

on this wet day? I ask you, what game is God playing with us?

[Scott Aukerman]

4D chess. Maybe even 5D. I mean, he's God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He could. He knows all the dimensions.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's a good one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wow. It is hard to imagine iced tea being wet. So we want photos of him being wet, I. E. Stepping out of a pool or in a painting or a state of ice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In a painting?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Because the paint would be wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think So a fresh painting.

[Scott Aukerman]

A fresh painting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A just signed painting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Or a statue of iced tea without any arms, a la the statue of David. I don't know why, but that we talked about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The statue of David has arms.

[Scott Aukerman]

We apparently said this last year. And I don't know why, but has anyone sent you any pictures of iced tea wet? No. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. None. Not a single one. There's gotta be some. There's got to be some out there. Let me, let me do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Didn't Fin Tutuola ever go to Jones beach after something particularly heinous happened?

[Scott Aukerman]

Google search. Here. Iced tea wet. I see him shirtless. Men's health. Okay, he's coming out of the water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is there any moisture?

[Scott Aukerman]

Camera. There's no moisture on him.

[Ike Mink Samus]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, maybe because he flips off the camera. If you catch him coming out of a body of water.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy, that's gonna be tough.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because obviously we can't look at those.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if anyone can provide us with a picture of wet iced tea, we will give them. I guess $1.5 million is cash prize.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not to J. Jonah Jameson here, but I want to see pictures of wet iced tea. Parker. If your last name is Parker. Parker, you better get us pictures of wet iced tea.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And we'll give you double.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

$3 million if you can prove your name is Parker. And in fact, we will not take pictures of wet iced tea from anyone, but from someone legally named Parker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. But you do get 3 million.

[Scott Aukerman]

$3 million. So I would say change your name legally.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's peanuts compared to peanuts. Peanuts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Peanuts are not wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course, Unless you're in the South. Boiled peanuts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boiled peanuts are good. Okay, so what are the wettest foods you can think of?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boiled peanuts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boiled peanuts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Poutine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Poutine. I guess. Miso soup.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Miso soup. Matzo ball soup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. A vegetable soup.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Not the chili from Tommy's? No, because it's pretty meaty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also, let's just not talk about the chili from Tom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it like fight Club to you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I had that once and never again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love it. What's. In fact, I'm gonna. I'm gonna treat you after the show. We're gonna go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? It sucks when you stumble upon a fast food place that you do not grow up with. And you're like, oh man, I can't wait to try this. And it's terrible every time.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is. It is. Can you think of any other examples? Nope. In and out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

In and out urge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The only thing I don't like about in and out is the fries.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, you know, you can always go to a different restaurant and pick up fries. But you know what? These are not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I buy one. I buy one fry from every place so I can compare there. One fry, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

One order of fries, sir?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I'll take one order. But you keep all of them except this one.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's my gift to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These are dry foods. I apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

Our last fact is, camels are the true animal of wet day due to the humps and the water contains.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're storing that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're storing and they're ready to release it on Wednesday. That's right. If you see a camel on wet day, go up with a big pin and poke it in the hump lump.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Camels also spit.

[Scott Aukerman]

They do spit. Yeah, they love the spit. They don't swallow. So this is what we do on wet day. Of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

We recite the facts about wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paul and I are sopping wet right now. Yeah, we. Oh. At what point during the day did you get wet?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I started squelching around. I'm gonna say 7am Okay. I set a wet alarm.

[Scott Aukerman]

What, what do you mean by a wet alarm?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I put a phone, I put a, a alarm clock. An old fashioned alarm clock kind of wind up. I put that in a plastic bag. I lower it into a bucket of water next to the bed.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then it, then you hear sloshing around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's, it's a delightful sound. It's a delightful sound.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a timer for 1201am with a bucket over my bed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I, I just, and I, I, I don't ever remind Cool up that it's a wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you should.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we just get as drenched as you can get right from the jump.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does she get into the spirit of it though? After it initially happens?

[Scott Aukerman]

She loves it. She goes, oh, wet day again. The one as big as me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jeannie doesn't like wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Janie. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you allowed to get divorced on wet day and then remarry the next day?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think you would have to get divorced what day? Eve.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On January and then remarry day after wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Okay. Yeah. That's a Good plan, actually, for the

[Paul F. Tompkins]

wet day season, you know, you want

[Scott Aukerman]

to be two months as a bachelor, if you know what I mean.

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. Bachelor rules apply.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Actually three months, right? February, March. Yeah, three months.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All the tail we'd get.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. You and me together out on the table.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine going to the club? Can you imagine two guys like us? Yeah. Hot commodities.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Looking exactly like we do right now, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wearing the exact same clothes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These are the outfits we're gonna wear to the club.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't have anything better. Wow. Well, happy wet day to everyone out there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To each and everyone. And if you don't observe wet day, go yourself. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Twice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good afternoon. And go yourself twice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you know, you got time for it. You're not doing anything else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. Take all. Take all the energy that you would have put in a wet day and put it into going and yourself twice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tw. All right, Paul, well, we're gonna take a break. Happy wedding to you. We need.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, what's the other thing you're supposed to say? After many Urkels to you, you are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. It's. You are supposed to say. We already forgot. Oh, juice. Juice, Paul, Juice to you as well as to you. Many workers. No one is supposed to work on wet day. By the way, did. Did Urkel have a businessman brother called Werkel?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Should we change.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Should we change Urkel to workle for wet day?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess so. Wet Urkel. Yeah, Werkle. And he. He should be wearing a suit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it's just drenched. And his briefcase, when he opens it up, it goes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All this water comes out like more than.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Paul, we need to take a break. I know you have to go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I'm sorry, I have to leave.

[Scott Aukerman]

When we come back, we're going to be talking to two elderly gentlemen. This is. And then a little later, a receptionist. This is an incredible show. Happy wet day to all everyone. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this. America's best network just got bigger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Switch to T Mobile today and get

[Scott Aukerman]

built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our five year price guarantee. And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Best mobile network based on analysis by

[Scott Aukerman]

Google of speed test intelligence data 2H2025 bigger network.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang welcome back. It is Wet Day. Of course, our I believe this must be our our fifth in a row celebrating Wet Day. I remember taping one outside. That must have been during COVID So yeah. Wow. What a wet day it has been so far. And we have a few guests here that are going to make it even more extraordinary. We've seen them on a lot of our Wet Day episodes. They are two elderly gentlemen and they've been on the show many times. Please welcome back to the show Spike and Ike Mink Samus.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course, guys. Yes. We all know to stay away from your granddaughter. Welcome back to the show. It's so great to see you. Which one of you is Spike? Which one of you is I could Exactly Right. Right. Okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Now look, look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you. You guys have been on the show many times. You have a granddaughter. You're very protective over there.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Ike Mink Samus]

What we just said.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have I stayed away from her rule

[Spike Mink Samus]

about our granddaughter daughter Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I have kept that promise, have I not? I have not been anywhere near your granddaughter.

[Spike Mink Samus]

So far so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What did you guys say?

[Spike Mink Samus]

So far so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stacy. Oh, okay. Or something. Za. So far so good. Zae. Zay. I I I do not much like Urkel. I do not have eyes on your granddaughter. I do not know her patience that way. You seem to be which whichever one are you?

[Carolyn Parker]

You are.

[Scott Aukerman]

You seem to be slightly late on each of these cues.

[Spike Mink Samus]

One of us is always vigilant looking out for our granddaughter.

[Ike Mink Samus]

So we missed the beginning. See?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I was locked in with you.

[Ike Mink Samus]

He was scanning the room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it. Okay, so you're.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Now you get to edit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your head is on a swivel. Both of you have two swivel heads alternating.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We went to a doctor. We had swivels put in our heads.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Our heads are on swivel.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Mine's oscillating, so it goes like a fan, slowly back and forth.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Mine's intermittent, so it goes like a sprinkler.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get the surgery at the same time? And if so, what happened to your granddaughter?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Couples surgery. Were you holding couples massage?

[Ike Mink Samus]

You greased up? You're on two tables.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you get to choose the gender of your. The person doing the operation like you do in a massage?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Of course.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We always say, surprise me.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We don't want to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're used to it.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Reveal it at the end.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yes, because we don't want to come in too nervous.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Also, we were under anesthesia.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But my question is why this was happening to you. It seems to me like your daughter would be unprotected.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Our granddaughter was with us in the surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but that I would think then the doctors would be kind of around your granddaughter.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We put her in a glass case.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Are you familiar with the Pope?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a passing familiarity with him, yeah.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We are both from Chicago Catholics.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is new info.

[Ike Mink Samus]

If you keep your eye on the Vatican Facebook marketplace, occasionally they offload glass cases used by the Pope.

[Spike Mink Samus]

They start to smell popey after a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you say poopy or poopy?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Oh, smells like there's pee and there's Pope.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is number two, though.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Number three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ike Mink Samus]

The Holy Trinity.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you put your granddaughter in one of those during the surgery?

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about your recovery time? Time?

[Spike Mink Samus]

We're still.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're still recovering. Oh, my God.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We shouldn't be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long ago was the surgery?

[Spike Mink Samus]

This afternoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Our eyes are still dilated.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are this.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We also went to the optometrist.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We save it all for one day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just one day. Get everything out of the way.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Like a music festival.

[Spike Mink Samus]

But for our medical procedure, we call it medical day.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, get them all out. You're gonna feel lousy during all of these things. Why not just make it one day?

[Ike Mink Samus]

You bring in all the doctors one at a time.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're out in a big operating theater.

[Spike Mink Samus]

It's called nesting. We stay in one place, all the doctors come to us. We had a colonoscopy, bbls.

[Scott Aukerman]

They look great, I gotta say.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Thank you so much. It's peeking out the top of our genes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So did you get the colonoscopy and the BBL at the same time? Time. Because it's the same area, they would switch it off, do one nip here, one inflation there.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yeah. Now me. And then the colonoscopy guy would go in. Now me.

[Ike Mink Samus]

One of them's bombing, the next one comes on. We would give them the light.

[Spike Mink Samus]

The other surgeons are the audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are they. Are they giving applause and encouragement to the other surgeons? Hooting, hollering, everything, Doing the Arsenio dog pound.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

These people over here are people who like to watch surgeries.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is an Arsenio reference.

[Ike Mink Samus]

And so you got both elbows, tennis elbow. You both.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We had it installed.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're ambidextrous when it comes to tennis.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Our. Our elbows were working good, and we wanted a little bit of creek.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We were playing too much tennis, and we were too good at it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. You want to give the other players a chance.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. I see.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We were number one and two at our club for 10 years in a row.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sort of like Venus and Serena in a way, too. Just like that, but on a smaller scale.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Much smaller.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Now, you notice one of us gets a little robotic when they talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What's. Did you have anything in store?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Very good reason for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Exactly. Yeah, you're a little more robotic. Whichever one.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Some of me is a. I, Some

[Scott Aukerman]

of you is AI now some.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You'll never guess which part.

[Scott Aukerman]

The voice box, the lyrics.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I have a chat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ppt. What's a ppt? I know what a GPT is.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Pp. My pp.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your. Your penis is AI Now.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I mean, that could be useful. As long as you give it the right.

[Ike Mink Samus]

It's learning everything all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ike Mink Samus]

It's getting smarter.

[Spike Mink Samus]

My penis is getting stupid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, that happens with. You are two elderly gentlemen. Right.

[Ike Mink Samus]

And we have an announcement.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have an announcement.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Right. This is an exclusive for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, you haven't been on any other show. I guess WTF isn't around anymore. You would have gone to them, but.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

We would have told Marin, but instead, you're ready to make this exclusive announcement on Comedy Bang Bang. Now, you guys have been on the show many, many times.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I can't imagine there's anything left to explore with you guys. But you say you have an announcement.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You'd think there wouldn't be be.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We have our thing, but now we have another thing.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We're adding a thing on top of a thing that already exists.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You know us. You're familiar with our one thing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We don't want you to come anywhere near our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were late on that one. So you were watching out? I was scanning.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I was rebooting my penis.

[Spike Mink Samus]

But great news for the mink salmon family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Our daughter had another child.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We now have a grandson.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

And we're here to tell you we

[Ike Mink Samus]

don't give a about our grandson.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Get near.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Go close.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Go as close as you want.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is huge news. I mean, first of all, mazel tov.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Invading his personal space.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Do you want his address?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course I do. I would love to send it you to is. Okay. Yeah, I'm ready.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Go loom over him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go loom over him. I don't know.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We're sliding a piece of paper across the table.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Ike Mink Samus]

There you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. This. Yeah. Oh, okay. See, this is just a number.

[Spike Mink Samus]

It says zero. That's his address.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Zero is the first house ever built.

[Scott Aukerman]

Must be in, oh, by Plymouth Rock or something.

[Spike Mink Samus]

I bet you didn't know that house numbers are all sequential, spiritual and connected.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? It's like the Social Security numbers.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's exactly right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Spike Mink Samus]

God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who has 000-000-0001? Do you know?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Don't you even dare try to go to 00-0001- is that your granddaughter's? No, you didn't hear that from us.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You didn't hear that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I didn't. I suggested it.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Actually, our granddaughter's address is pro private.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Our grandsons is 00.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, how old is your grandson now?

[Spike Mink Samus]

0 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's 0 years old and he lives at 0.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you gonna try to keep his address in accordance with his age so when he hits one, you're gonna move to.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We'll move him to one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Well, of course. Just like ours. Every year on our birthday, we move one house to the right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are twins.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We go across the street. Street? Yeah.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Straight across.

[Scott Aukerman]

Straight across.

[Ike Mink Samus]

But if you're facing the left, it's to your right.

[Carolyn Parker]

Got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it. Are you twins? We've never talked about it. You have. You say you should stay away from

[Spike Mink Samus]

our granddaughter and get near our grandson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, okay. I mean, we switch places.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I'm over there and he's here.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Now I'm over here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Carolyn Parker]

Wow.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Did you notice that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I did. I. No, I mean, you.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That was one of the surgeries.

[Spike Mink Samus]

How can you tell us apart?

[Ike Mink Samus]

We got flash surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fl. Oh. Meaning you have the powers of the Flash.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We now have the Speed Force.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got to introduce you to. A lot of times we just want

[Ike Mink Samus]

to switch places, and we crash into each other very hard.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Kaboom. It hurts. And your teeth get cracked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, this. I mean, it's great that you have a grandson, but I. I push our

[Ike Mink Samus]

grandson to the dirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Push him to the dirt, not into it.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Someone kneel behind our grandson. Someone stand in front of him and push him over the first person.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is it you don't like about your grandson?

[Spike Mink Samus]

We love our grandson.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We love him.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Get near him.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You need to rough up sons.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get rough up sons.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's how you make a man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see you're trying to, you know, kind of make him.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We're not going to be able to save you once you're 18.

[Carolyn Parker]

Scene.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We're only gonna be around so long. We need everyone in the world to step up, beat up our grandson, kick the. Out of our grandson.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if. If we do. I mean, I know in the past you've talked about if people get near your granddaughter, there's several threats. You know, putting people into a Pennsylvania shoelace.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right. If you don't go near our grandson, we're gonna put you in a Manchester Mankini,

[Scott Aukerman]

which is a coffin. A coffin.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Ike Mink Samus]

If you avoid our grandson, you're not

[Spike Mink Samus]

gonna like what happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. What's gonna happen?

[Ike Mink Samus]

We're gonna put you in a Birmingham bra.

[Scott Aukerman]

Br. Like Brer Bear.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yes, A Birmingham Brer. If you don't go near our grandson, you're gonna end up in a Flagstaff Fogo de chow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to wind up in any of this stuff. So. So, I mean, how quickly do I need to get to your grandson?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Do you want to have flash surgery?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess so. Why is your doctor still. You just had it this morning.

[Ike Mink Samus]

He's killing right now.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Now.

[Scott Aukerman]

So with the other doctors.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not you, hopefully.

[Ike Mink Samus]

No, no.

[Spike Mink Samus]

But once you've had flash surgery, you can give it to other people, and

[Scott Aukerman]

you can't go bash surgery.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Once you've.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Once you've had flash surgery, you can't go bash surgery.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You can only get Franklin surgery. After that, you. Here's the surgeries you can get after flash surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? Franklet surgery.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Trit surgery. Surgery.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Bash surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you can't get back.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You can't get back.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Rizzoli surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about aisles? No.

[Spike Mink Samus]

No. Lacy surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Lawyer surgery. No. Lincoln surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alley surgery.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Just Kate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just Kate surgery. Okay, so it's the first one. Got it.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Will surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Not Grace surgery.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Dharma surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not Greg surgery. Boy, the great duos over the years name a more iconic duo. As my friends would say,

[Ike Mink Samus]

Jesus and God.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Iconic.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys are very devout. We. We that came.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Very devout.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We love the Catholic Church.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Now, how is your granddaughter doing?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Why don't you ask?

[Ike Mink Samus]

What are you doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

I just want to make sure. I mean, like you say, you're not going to be around.

[Ike Mink Samus]

My penis is holding a gun facing you.

[Spike Mink Samus]

My penis is looking around for a window.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Now, look, his penis loves natural light.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Maybe you don't hear so good. Stay away from our granddaughter. You don't ask about it. You don't think about her. You don't talk about her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? I. I just. I'm more worried about you guys. Guys. Because like you said, you're elderly gentlemen. You're. You're. You know, I mean, every year you come in here, you're a little closer to death.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Show. Especially if you get a little closer to our granddaughter. Get close to our grandson.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You've got two things to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Don't get near our granddaughter.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Do get near our grandson. Done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask you a question? Do they live together?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I don't know how this is gonna work, guys.

[Spike Mink Samus]

They have separate nap times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Ike Mink Samus]

When she's up, you're away. When he's up, you're there.

[Scott Aukerman]

But. But naps aren't half the day. Naps are, like two hours.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You don't have all day to get near our grandson. You have a tight window of time. And, brother, you better be there.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you've been on the show for so many years, and it seems like your granddaughter must have done away with the naps at this point. I mean, she's got to be at least six.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Why are you asking about our granddaughter's age and nap schedule?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you brought up the nap schedule, saying that's when I'm supposed to visit your grandson.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Why do we phase naps out? They should exist for everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

I agree, but that's not the way the human body unfortunately works. And it seems to me like it's why.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Talking about human bodies, when we have a granddaughter and we do all of

[Ike Mink Samus]

our surgeries on one day, we know how to treat our bodies.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you look great. You have those big asses. You gotta just too.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We thought you'd never said it took you long enough.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What was all that money for?

[Ike Mink Samus]

We were told we'd get immediate compliments.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just. I.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We looks maxing and you're taking forever to notice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I apologize for not notice maxing. I just. I feel like. I feel as if. Like I'm going to need a schedule or something from you guys. Could you text me a schedule?

[Ike Mink Samus]

I'm sliding a piece of paper over to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

This one just says one.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's your schedule. Just better. Don't be better. Hop to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

1:00pm What?

[Ike Mink Samus]

I mean, just one.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What. What does that mean to you?

[Scott Aukerman]

It. It doesn't mean a lot to me. I mean, unless you better make it

[Spike Mink Samus]

mean something to you. Because if you go near our granddaughter

[Scott Aukerman]

and also, don't not go near your grandson.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Don't not go near our grandson.

[Ike Mink Samus]

And if you don't, you're gonna end up in a Chicago trinket.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what? A Chicago trinket.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Ike Mink Samus]

They usually start with the same letter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Usually they don't.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Sometimes they don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Usually they're. They're something that one wears. Not a piece of jewelry. I guess you wear jewelry, but.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

An article of clothing.

[Spike Mink Samus]

If you don't like it, you might end up in a Transylvania. How do you do?

[Carolyn Parker]

Okay,

[Scott Aukerman]

well, guys, I. I'll try to be accommodating to you. I just. I feel like it's a little.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Hey. Like Yoda said, do or do not. There is no try.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like you don't know this quote.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I never watch the movies. He watches.

[Spike Mink Samus]

He only watches the TV shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You take turns watching TV or do you have two? Tv.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I'm more of a TV guy level at the Golden Globes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been to the Golden Globes?

[Spike Mink Samus]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

TV producers.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We want to be in the back of the room.

[Spike Mink Samus]

I want to be in the back of the room.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the room where it happens.

[Spike Mink Samus]

The Golden Globes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I'll try to be accommodating. It just. It's going to be a little difficult. Plus, I feel like your grandson is a tad too young really, to be receiving visitors. I mean, they're.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We don't get people to visit. We want people to kick the.

[Ike Mink Samus]

And do financial crimes on him.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Stealing financial embezzle from our grandson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he have any. Any assets?

[Spike Mink Samus]

He's independently wealthy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He. Wait, he is? How did this happen? Are you guys wealthy?

[Carolyn Parker]

And you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You passed on?

[Ike Mink Samus]

He did Polymark it in the womb.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did he bet on his own boy birth? Oh, brilliant.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Am I gonna be premature?

[Scott Aukerman]

I just. I don't know if I want to be beating up a little baby. It's. It's not really part of my image,

[Spike Mink Samus]

you know, you don't have a lot of choices here.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Ike Mink Samus]

There's two things you need to do, okay? One, stay away from our granddaughter. To stay near our grandson and kick

[Scott Aukerman]

the out of it, though.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Exactly.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I'm worried this is going to be bad for your grandson. Has anyone taken you up on this offer yet?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Do you have a grandson?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Not yet.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Shut up. You don't get it.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We're preparing him for this hard world.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You're going to end up in a Paris.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Coffin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your worst one yet.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That one was good.

[Spike Mink Samus]

If you don't. You think they don't have confidence in Paris? Think again.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess.

[Spike Mink Samus]

They're beautiful. They're gorgeous.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Gorgeous.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, guys, well, look, can you stick around? We have another guest coming up.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We're gonna stick around to make sure that you stay away from our granddaughter and stay near our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

The last one is going to be impossible for me to do while I'm hosting the show. Unless he's here with you. Did you bring him?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Kick him.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Here he is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's so cute.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Isn't he cute?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Can I.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Don't tell him that. Tell him he's ugly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's. Look at him.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Hit him so hard you break his adult teeth.

[Ike Mink Samus]

He never had baby teeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, I don't. I can't. He's too. He's too precious.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Look at his big smile.

[Scott Aukerman]

Smile. No, I can't do anything.

[Spike Mink Samus]

This is mocking you.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is why when people say, like, I'm gonna go back in time and kill Hitler, they never would be able to do it. He's too cute.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We went back in time and killed him.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys killed Hitler?

[Ike Mink Samus]

We should.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We're not here to talk about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, we are running out of time on this segment. We'd love to hear about that the next time you guys come in.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Okay, maybe, maybe, maybe.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We'll see.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, here, take your grandson back. He can be in the corner of the room when we come back. Get out of here. When we come back, we're going to have a receptionist. What an incredible wet day episode this is. We'll be right back with more Spike and Ike. Mink salmon. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang we're back. We have Spike and Ike mink salmon and they've been feeding the baby this entire time. And you, you attempted to breastfeed, which I thought was very.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Did you guys.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That surgery didn't take. Nope.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We can't make milk. We need our money back.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you did get breast enhancements, I guess. They're. They're looking like double Ds.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We thought you'd never notice, but they don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't lactate.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Not yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not yet. You could maybe like have a special effects person like Rick Baker or something.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We were told the Flash surgery would give us lactating breasts.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Sometimes it's a side effect of the

[Spike Mink Samus]

Flash, just like the Flash has.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Is that why his breasts are always wet in that costume?

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's why it's the least popular of the franchise. It's distracting and off putting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well guys, we need to get to our next guest.

[Carolyn Parker]

I believe we have August had six. I have August 6th at 12pm I

[Scott Aukerman]

believe this is a returning guest.

[Carolyn Parker]

No, that's the. If you don't have time for that you don't have to have an attitude

[Scott Aukerman]

here on our Wet day episode.

[Carolyn Parker]

I can do an afternoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome back to the show Carolyn

[Carolyn Parker]

Parker at 3:00pm 3:00pm Carolyn. That's fine. By the way. And say Hi to Martha.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ms. Parker.

[Carolyn Parker]

Say hi to Martha.

[Scott Aukerman]

I said Ms. Parker.

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, she is. That's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi Ms. That's fine.

[Carolyn Parker]

Tell her I said hi. And I loved her birthday party.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ms. Parker.

[Carolyn Parker]

Goodbye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Over here.

[Carolyn Parker]

Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi.

[Carolyn Parker]

Hi. How are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi Ms. Parker. Welcome back to the show.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah. Thanks for having me. This is really nice. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you remember the Salmon brothers?

[Carolyn Parker]

Of course. Hey Too. How you.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Good day. Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my God.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But.

[Spike Mink Samus]

But stay near our grandson.

[Carolyn Parker]

Well that sounds like a deal.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Good.

[Spike Mink Samus]

See how easy it is?

[Scott Aukerman]

It can't be that easy.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You make a big production out of it. Carolyn gets it right away.

[Carolyn Parker]

Beautiful asses.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Thank you.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very beautiful. And how about them titties?

[Carolyn Parker]

As always? Mine, you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh no. I mean thank you.

[Carolyn Parker]

You noticed that? No, I did have them. I didn't have them enlarged. I had them pushed in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. You got the push in surgery. It's a rearrangement.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Are you wearing a push in bra?

[Carolyn Parker]

No. I don't have to even worry about bras anymore. Isn't that something?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Wow. After the surgery we need all the support we can get that my back is killing me.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We're new to this.

[Scott Aukerman]

This has only been a couple hours. Guys.

[Carolyn Parker]

Is this your son right here?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Grandson.

[Carolyn Parker]

Your grandson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, this isn't your granddaughter, is it?

[Ike Mink Samus]

No.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're sure this is a grandson? By the way? If I were to check down downstairs, I'd be happy.

[Spike Mink Samus]

I don't want to say that.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Go ahead.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying you're the type of

[Spike Mink Samus]

guys who would like to run around

[Scott Aukerman]

who would not be the type to check.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We rode from town to town telling people to stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So you try to hit every town every. Every. Every year. Is that Do I only see you

[Spike Mink Samus]

once Every town every year.

[Ike Mink Samus]

We have to go. We've already been here for way longer than we should.

[Carolyn Parker]

Take them and there throw them right. Right into the dirt.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Good.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Thank you.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Thank you.

[Carolyn Parker]

You're welcome. No. So. Carolyn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Carolyn Parker. Welcome back to the show. You're a receptionist.

[Carolyn Parker]

I'm a receptionist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where exactly are you a receptionist?

[Carolyn Parker]

Feature entombs. Feature entombs. Dental surgery and spa. Oh, we did expand into the back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh wow. Okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Just a dental spa.

[Carolyn Parker]

Like, well, it's a. It's a regular spa, but it's also a dental spa. So you can like dip your teeth. You can have them into the pool. You can have. There's little. There's pool. There's a. An area where one of your teeth

[Ike Mink Samus]

has a little towel on.

[Carolyn Parker]

It's a robe. We give.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can get little robes, complimentary ropes for your teeth.

[Carolyn Parker]

Complimentary. Well, you pay for the full service.

[Spike Mink Samus]

90s wearing a thong, basically. Suit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wearing a Manchester.

[Ike Mink Samus]

It's a Manchester.

[Carolyn Parker]

You notice that? No. So we did. We did expand. We're doing well. I'm Dr. Tombs. Wanted to send his regards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, yeah, that's great. We. We heard him on the phone, I believe.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, yeah, he sent. He's giving out coupons. I give you each a coupon for a little tooth dunk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Good. For one tooth dunk.

[Carolyn Parker]

Just one tooth. It is just a starter dungeon dunk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And so if we want to dip the rest of our teeth into.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What's the difference between a starter dunk and a full fledged tooth dunk?

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, for a starter dunk is 12 minutes, and that's in the. It's in luke. Lukewarm water.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's a long dunk, Luke.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You know what a dunk is?

[Carolyn Parker]

A 12 minute lukewarm saltwater dunk.

[Spike Mink Samus]

If you were baptizing someone and you dunked them for 12 minutes, they're gonna be straight to heaven.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's true. But a full dunk. A full dunk can last all day. You have full access to our dunk, our tooth dunking area.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Keeping your teeth in lukewarm salt water all day long.

[Carolyn Parker]

You'd be shocked at what it can do for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What can it do?

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, it can.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd like to be shocked.

[Carolyn Parker]

It can help.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What that dunk do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, what that dunk do.

[Carolyn Parker]

We've seen people get bigger teeth, teeth from dunking them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that good to have bigger?

[Carolyn Parker]

We've seen people lose the tooth altogether, which means it was on its way out anyway.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I mean, I imagine some people don't want bigger teeth like a Jerry Seinfeld

[Spike Mink Samus]

or, you know, how does the tooth that's on its way out go away?

[Carolyn Parker]

It's eroded by. Well, because we have salt water, we also have different types of tide.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Like they're tied. A tide going in and out in the salt water.

[Carolyn Parker]

Right. So depending on the time of day, you'll have different levels of water in the dungeon.

[Spike Mink Samus]

No matter how much salt water you have, there's always a tide that's what

[Carolyn Parker]

they say, don't they?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Whether it's an ocean or a glass. Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Stay near our grandson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it one of those fake tide things, like at Raging Waters, you know, or. It's like.

[Carolyn Parker]

It's not. No, it's a real tide. It's a real tide. It's a real tide. Yeah. So you can. But you can spend all day there. You can do other things. We have other services.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you get, like, what would be the tooth equivalent of a manicure or a pedicure?

[Carolyn Parker]

A little station where you can have more.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's all we need to hear. A little station.

[Carolyn Parker]

It's a little station.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just go over there and say no more again.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Do not go into what you do.

[Scott Aukerman]

There.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's it. You can read it in the pamphlets. But I'm excited. What do you. I. I don't know how you guys feel, but. What? This has been a real year of change.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I. I mean, I guess so. What. What's been going on with you?

[Carolyn Parker]

Wait, what do you guess? Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I. I mean, I don't know what's happening in your. Your personal life, I would imagine, is what you're talking about, or.

[Carolyn Parker]

No, Dr. Toomes and I still are seeing each other, if that's what you're asking.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I wasn't, but I. I'm not surprised.

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, it's the way he was speaking

[Scott Aukerman]

to you on our last episode.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yes, he is. He has. We found out through therapy he has a bit of a fetish for older women.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So you're older than Dr. Dr. Tombs.

[Carolyn Parker]

I'm 75 years young.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. And he's.

[Carolyn Parker]

He's 44.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I mean, that's a bit of a difference. That's.

[Carolyn Parker]

It's enough of a difference. But he.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's part of the reason, Raquel. Style difference.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Carolyn Parker]

But I do have. I've gotten my soldiers.

[Spike Mink Samus]

May, December, or a granddaughter. Grandson.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, that's pretty much what it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the name of your granddaughter and grandson? May and December.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

December.

[Carolyn Parker]

How is your tooth health?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's good. I. I go a couple times a year. I think I'm all. All taken care of in that regard. And your breath, I mean, you know, it dips in and out during the day, depending on what's going on.

[Carolyn Parker]

What would you say is the worst time of day where you always breathe the grossest?

[Spike Mink Samus]

We breathe all day long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Probably. Anchovy hour, 3:00pm oh, yeah.

[Carolyn Parker]

It's a dangerous time. That's a dangerous time. You like the anchovies? Well, we do have a. We do have a product as well, a tongue. A tongue rip.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's a tongue? Meaning a rip out the tongue.

[Carolyn Parker]

No, no, no, no. It's a. It's a device that goes around your whole tongue from the rip.

[Scott Aukerman]

You mean like your tongue will be dead after it?

[Carolyn Parker]

We, for marketing reasons, we spell it rip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Carolyn Parker]

And it will rip from the back of the tongue all the bacteria off your tongue. And then we have. Right next to that is a group of young kids who will take what's ripped off and. And play with it and make it into.

[Spike Mink Samus]

How close are they when you say they're right next to it?

[Carolyn Parker]

They're literally at a picnic table next to.

[Scott Aukerman]

And is their granddaughter one of these kids?

[Carolyn Parker]

I don't know.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Where are we in space?

[Carolyn Parker]

Where on Earth?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Well, I mean, where on Earth?

[Carolyn Parker]

Earth? Oh, we're. We're outside. We're outside at a picnic area.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, now go a little more micro cement.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Fix tables.

[Carolyn Parker]

There's cement fixed tables. Have you been here?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Well, I know these picnic areas. The kids will be rearrange stuff. There will be a picnic to the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do always want. Just to make the ambiance better.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yeah. I want to gather the group together closer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like anyone who's there at a rest area, you're like, hey, guys, come on, bring it in. Hey, guys, bring it in.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Let's bring it it in. Make it seem like a real crowd.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Everybody who's sitting in the back, come down here to the beginning.

[Spike Mink Samus]

I mean, the beginning.

[Carolyn Parker]

The beginning of the beginning.

[Ike Mink Samus]

The beginning is the closest part to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, when you go to a doctor and you go to the beginning and you're waiting around and waiting around till the beginning.

[Ike Mink Samus]

The beginning office was always terrible for me.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yeah.

[Carolyn Parker]

We have done some upgrades to our beginning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? What's going on there?

[Carolyn Parker]

We used to have at Tombs. And what is Beer and Tombs? Beach and Tombs Dental office.

[Scott Aukerman]

And who are you with again? Who's your. Is it beer or tomb?

[Carolyn Parker]

Dr. Tombs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dr. Tombs.

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, we're not supposed to talk about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where's Beecher?

[Carolyn Parker]

Beecher's working.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beach is working. Beecher doesn't have a relationship or Beecher is with someone else.

[Carolyn Parker]

Or Beecher is married.

[Scott Aukerman]

Married.

[Carolyn Parker]

Married with a. A family.

[Spike Mink Samus]

And do you also receive for Beacher?

[Carolyn Parker]

I have received from. If that's what you're. Are you saying. Have I.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You're a receptionist.

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, what were you Talking about.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Were you talking about oral received?

[Carolyn Parker]

I was talking about. I'm sorry, I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm.

[Carolyn Parker]

I. I'm too old for this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Features down on you will occasionally go

[Carolyn Parker]

down on me as part of my job. I'm a part of your job?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Is it part of your job?

[Carolyn Parker]

It's part of my job. Of course it is. Because I. If you don't. If you have a dentist who is all, you know, full of anxiety, it's not going to be a great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got to relax people there.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah. So we're once. Once or twice a day. I'll go down on twice a day and he'll. And three or four times a day, he'll go down on me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my God. That.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I mean, that's most of the day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are, by the way, some good ratios if you're a guy.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, but that's not the point. I'm seeing Dr. Toomes. I'll. Dr. Beecher will go down on me

[Scott Aukerman]

advice several times a day. Right? Yeah.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

But what have you done to the beginning?

[Carolyn Parker]

The beginning. We used to have big trouble in

[Scott Aukerman]

Little China loop on the TV screens or. Okay, got it.

[Carolyn Parker]

We've changed that.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What? 365 days a year.

[Ike Mink Samus]

It's both wild wings. So many TVs.

[Carolyn Parker]

Never stops.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does that. Does that movie. Does it hold up in terms of today's climate? Could you switch it out these days like Blazing Saddles?

[Carolyn Parker]

We. No, we switched it out. I'm not h. The new. What is that movie with Robert Dairo?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're gonna have to be a little more specific. I believe he's more broad now.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Either get more specific or more.

[Spike Mink Samus]

The Intern.

[Carolyn Parker]

What is that movie? It's Intern

[Ike Mink Samus]

Meet the Fuck.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get the intern so quickly? Mike or Ike?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yeah, that's right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

It's our favorite movie.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Really? We love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you don't like movies.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I like to space it out in 30 minute increments and it's like a TV show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does there. Is there a natural cliffhanger every 30 minutes?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Movies rarely work out like that.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Sometimes it's mid sentence and he'll say weird ending to that episode. Can't wait to see how the result is.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Can't wait to wait seven days and watch it again.

[Spike Mink Samus]

He doesn't do it binge style.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I will not binge a movie in 30 minute increments.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it. So you have the intern now playing. That's one of the big trouble in Little China.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, I'm not. I'm. I miss Kurt Russell Seeing him every day, it's not the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Could you pick another Kurt Russell movie instead of Robert De Niro? I mean, they're both, like, pretty old.

[Carolyn Parker]

If you'd like to ask, I'm happy to ask.

[Scott Aukerman]

How should I run this up the flagpole?

[Carolyn Parker]

Let me. Can you call Dr. Toomes?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're gonna call Dr. Toomes? Okay. We heard from Dr. Toomes last episode.

[Carolyn Parker]

I can ask him. And you're asking specifically.

[Ike Mink Samus]

And Dr. Beecher just. Snick. Snuck out of here. Was in underneath.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Crawl out from under the table.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, girly.

[Carolyn Parker]

Hi. Hi, Dr. Tombs. It's girly. Hey.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You fully embrace girly as a name?

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, of course I will. Of course. By the way, Dr. Beecher calls me girly, too.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Oh, okay. Oh, my God.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What a scandal.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You don't love that?

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't like that?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Love that.

[Carolyn Parker]

I have to make him a little jealous sometimes or he doesn't pay attention to me. Hey, they were asking about, you know, how we switched out Big Trouble in Little China for the. For the. For the intern in the looping. The looping station.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a whole looping station?

[Ike Mink Samus]

It's not a tv, it's a looping station.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the looping station was playing Big Trouble.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah. And now it's. Now it's Robert De Niro in the instrument turn. The question was, could we possibly switch it out? Did you have a specific request?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, something recent from. From Kurt Russell. You know, like the Christmas clause or whatever his. Would we.

[Carolyn Parker]

Would we ever consider switching that for some? Going back to Kurt Russell, but something more modern.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, like the monster show.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Monarch. Legacy of monsters. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one needs that.

[Ike Mink Samus]

The monster show.

[Carolyn Parker]

Wait, no. We could. For Monarch? Is that what you're talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does that show with the monsters that he's doing?

[Carolyn Parker]

Are you having some attitude features?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Both Kurt Russell and Wyatt Russell?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I want. I want whatever people are gonna like. So if we're gonna go with modern Kurt Russell, then why don't we just write him something and pitch him something? This is a great, great idea.

[Carolyn Parker]

Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

And it could be dentist themed.

[Carolyn Parker]

Will you set up a meeting with him?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Tell him I'll do my best.

[Scott Aukerman]

Girl, you know I'll do anything for you.

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, thank you.

[Ike Mink Samus]

It just has to have teeth.

[Carolyn Parker]

All right. Thank you for. Thank you. Get back to work.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Tell him not to have his teeth.

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, what's the. What's the soup of the day?

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys serve soup?

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, we do a soup of the day.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you mean what's meaning people eat there.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Why would you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is the soup.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Is it tooth dunk soup?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Is it Italian wedding tooth dunk soup?

[Carolyn Parker]

I gotta find out.

[Scott Aukerman]

You.

[Carolyn Parker]

I gotta find out what? That's. No. We do a different soup every day and Dr. Tomb chews.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what we're asking about. What do you mean when you say

[Spike Mink Samus]

we do a different soup or.

[Carolyn Parker]

You hung up just before I asked. What is the soup of the day out in the reception area.

[Scott Aukerman]

It smells like cheddar broccoli. But I don't know.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That could be minestrone.

[Carolyn Parker]

Take a taste.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, you want me to go down?

[Carolyn Parker]

Open the tin lid, please. So every day Dr. Tomb chooses a different soup just to give the patient something.

[Scott Aukerman]

He chose it. Why does he have to guess?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Why are people eating.

[Carolyn Parker]

Chose this soup doctor too.

[Scott Aukerman]

That doesn't always mean that what I chose ends up in the carafe. That's a good point.

[Carolyn Parker]

How many crafts do we have today?

[Scott Aukerman]

I ordered four, but I walked in and I saw one. So either someone's stealing grass of cheddar brock or I don't know what's going on.

[Carolyn Parker]

So it is cheddar broccoli.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well again, girly, that's what I ordered, you know, as many times as I do.

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, taste it, Dr. Toomes. Taste it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've got my hands halfway down someone's throat here, girly.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Too far.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too cheap.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Too deep.

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, call me back when you find out.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Now you're into throating?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's right. You can tell our relationship has become a little more open and honest as ones do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you been going to therapy in order to get to this?

[Carolyn Parker]

We've done some. Some therapy which has helped in some ways, but it's gotten us to the point where I'm not sure we can work together anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean a lot of times that's bad for a business to. To be in a relationship with two of the people who work there.

[Carolyn Parker]

A lot of times it can be. Yeah. We've had. We've had fights. We've had full on wrestling matches.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've full on meaning like two to. Till people are pinned three times.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Like with a referee.

[Carolyn Parker]

With a referee. We have full on wrestling matches. Not like fake wrestling, but real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have a big cauliflower ear right now.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yes, that's that.

[Scott Aukerman]

He.

[Carolyn Parker]

He usually wins. But again, I'm 75 years old.

[Spike Mink Samus]

It's a cauliflower year. But it smells like broccoli cheddar.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, I. I do get. I'll be honest with you guys, I do get excited about the soup. That's one of the things this year that has been really nice to not have to worry about lunch because he puts out little bread with it. Little bread. Little tiny bread.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Little bread. Little.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Are you talking about little crackers?

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, yeah. Little hard. Little hard bread.

[Scott Aukerman]

So crack. Crackers.

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, but they're little. Littler than crackers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, crackers. Are they crumbs?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Does he put out crumbs?

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like he's not putting them out. It sounds like people are just not cleaning up this. The soup.

[Spike Mink Samus]

So there's.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yeah, maybe you have been eating what people leave behind that's supposed to be

[Spike Mink Samus]

wiped off carafes of soup and somehow people are leaving behind. Little cracker crowd.

[Carolyn Parker]

I don't know where they come from because we don't order them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no. Okay.

[Carolyn Parker]

We don't order them.

[Ike Mink Samus]

BYO crackers.

[Spike Mink Samus]

And they.

[Carolyn Parker]

There is a sign that says that. But I've never understood.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Bring your own crack.

[Spike Mink Samus]

It seems very clear to me.

[Carolyn Parker]

And we have a small little. What is it? A place to get drinks. A drink station, which people love.

[Spike Mink Samus]

A water fountain.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Is it a water fountain? Is there more? Is it like a thing at the movies where you can choose.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Can you make suicide?

[Carolyn Parker]

It's the generic version of the thing at movie theaters.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Further down. Further down rc.

[Carolyn Parker]

Further down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it. By the way, is it the fluoride drink that you drink when you.

[Carolyn Parker]

It has a fluoride option, but that's very expensive. It's further down.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Further down than RC.

[Carolyn Parker]

Further down than RC.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Does it have a madeup Dr. Pepper name like Professor Snapdragon?

[Carolyn Parker]

Yes, it does. It's not Dr. Pepper. It's Prince. Prince spicers.

[Scott Aukerman]

DDS. Prince spicers.

[Carolyn Parker]

And it does not taste like Dr. Pepper.

[Ike Mink Samus]

What does it have instead of Mountain Dew? All right, three, two, one.

[Carolyn Parker]

Hill Wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perfect for wet day. I gotta say, a great wet day. Drink.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hill Wet. Yeah, A. A carton of that.

[Carolyn Parker]

Can you guess?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Wetter than do we have.

[Carolyn Parker]

Can you guess what we have instead of A and W? Root beer.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Can I be an X?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Who you address?

[Carolyn Parker]

Ask your penis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, your penis is AI.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Hold on one second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give it the right prompt. Give it the right prompt.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Okay. Penis plus A and W. Root beer. Okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Why is penis part of the search?

[Scott Aukerman]

Penis plus A beer. It comes up.

[Carolyn Parker]

It's a.

[Ike Mink Samus]

It says

[Spike Mink Samus]

Dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's it.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Dick Pilsner. It just said Dick Pilsner.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what we have.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's what we have. But the people love it because sometimes it's fun to. As long as you don't take your time drinking it, the fizz stays. Do you know how that works?

[Scott Aukerman]

Aren't these sugary drinks bad for your teeth health? I mean, it's.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, that's what. Why the. That's why the dentist puts it in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. To try to. For the customers.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, it rots. It rot. So by the way, so does the tooth dunk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Carolyn Parker]

It does not help the teeth.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Whoa.

[Carolyn Parker]

Everything in the spa is designed to push people to the dentistry. And everything at the dentistry is designed to push people to the spa.

[Scott Aukerman]

How is everything in the dentistry designed to push people to the spa?

[Carolyn Parker]

For specifics, if you have a cabin cavity as you're getting your cavity filled, will say, like, my God, your. The hair all over your pubic region and back is distracting.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Opposite of what he asked.

[Carolyn Parker]

What did he ask?

[Spike Mink Samus]

How do you push people from the spa?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. I did ask from the. From the dentistry to the spa.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That seems easier than the other way.

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, well, I just told you that the tooth dunk erodes the teeth, will erode the teeth, which pushes you to

[Spike Mink Samus]

back to the dentist. And when they go to the dentist, you say you're pubic area looks atrocious.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's one example. And it works. What would you. Would you get, by the way? Would you get your. All your back hair removed if you were at the dentist?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Stay away from our backhand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. You guys don't want anyone coming near that either.

[Carolyn Parker]

Do you guys have a lot of back hair?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Hey, hey, we got hair all over. The only hair we care about that's sacred us is our back hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can do anything. Anything you want to. Any other.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Other part of your head, you tell me. Look at this shave job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Every.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Everybody has had their way with our front.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's like a design in your. In your frontal pubes.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right. Superman.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's supposed to be Superman.

[Spike Mink Samus]

And I have Peter Pan from the peanut butter label.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I mean, that's the regular Peter. Peter Pan, isn't it?

[Spike Mink Samus]

I mean, but he's holding a jar of peanut butter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, oh, okay, okay.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's the one.

[Spike Mink Samus]

And then on the jar, there's a little label where littler Peter Pan is holding a little jaw Peter Butter.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it just goes in.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You lose your mind.

[Carolyn Parker]

I want to give you guys each a coupon.

[Ike Mink Samus]

And do you have room for our grandson? Give him the works.

[Carolyn Parker]

You Want his hair removed and I

[Ike Mink Samus]

want his teeth rotted.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yeah, go into his skull.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have any appointment teeth that

[Spike Mink Samus]

haven't come down yet?

[Scott Aukerman]

Rodham, do you have any appointments available or.

[Carolyn Parker]

Hold on, I'm getting a call. Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, there's no soup down there at all anymore.

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh no. What happened?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Someone's taking all these crafts. I mean, we're also paying when we don't return the crafts.

[Carolyn Parker]

There's a deposit fee there.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Could you ask him what he means by craft?

[Carolyn Parker]

What do you mean by carafe? Like a wine craft? Yeah, that's getting souping more of a drink.

[Ike Mink Samus]

A poor stuff.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's why it's not staying hot. Dr. Tim, it's good to put on. Can we work on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put it in urns or something like.

[Carolyn Parker]

Are we able to fit in a baby for the full works next week?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Tooth dunk into.

[Carolyn Parker]

We need to give him a tooth dunk. We need to get all his hair removed. And then are we doing anything else?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Was.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are we doing to a baby?

[Carolyn Parker]

Do you want a tooth dunking, Dr. Tombs? I said the worst. The works.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Everything hands down throat.

[Carolyn Parker]

Tooth dun on all teeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Apple bottom jeans.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, we can do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

We got openings this week if you got a baby ready.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Well, I'll.

[Carolyn Parker]

I'll be the. Oh, what's the soup tomorrow?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Oh, bisque.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Bisque.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just bisque.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Just.

[Carolyn Parker]

He hates flavored bisque. He just gets the milk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just bisque.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Just the texture.

[Carolyn Parker]

Just a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just a hot bisque.

[Carolyn Parker]

Okay, tell them. Tell Dr. Beecher to give me a call when he has a second girly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

You hung up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So there's. There's some jealousy there.

[Carolyn Parker]

There's a little bit of a will. They won't.

[Scott Aukerman]

They obviously have. And you and Beecher do several times a day as well.

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, you know, he. If he wanted it, he'd put a ring on it. And until he does, Dr. Beer gets to suck away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Marriage is an archaic institution.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you really believe that?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you guys married at all? We've never talked about your personal lives. No, you're not. Okay. So there's no wife to stay away from.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We try to get married to each other. They said. That's not a loud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, hopefully they'll change the laws on that someday. You know, it's a slippery slope.

[Ike Mink Samus]

It is.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Twin brothers who are both grandfathers cannot marry each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know that the grandfather's part of it has entered the equation. But the Twin brothers is an issue.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We are grandfathers.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are grandfathers.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Stay near grandson.

[Carolyn Parker]

Wait, you did have. You did have wives earlier.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would imagine that's how the granddaughters and sons all came about.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Because you don't mention our granddaughter.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Don't hypothetically think of her being born or her lineage.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Don't imagine the platonic ideal of a granddaughter. In case you stumbled upon our granddaughter,

[Ike Mink Samus]

you might accidentally pick picture. Our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize. But you were married. Or at least one of you was married. I guess you.

[Spike Mink Samus]

At least one of us was married.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you share a granddaughter.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We share grandchildren. One of whom you cannot get near. One of whom you absolutely should.

[Scott Aukerman]

So are you unsure of who the. The father is? Have you ever done DNA testing?

[Ike Mink Samus]

This Maury

[Spike Mink Samus]

not gonna dance for you.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You better not follow us to the street with that camera.

[Carolyn Parker]

How does she get her dental work done? Or her checkups on her teeth?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Are you asking about her granddaughter?

[Carolyn Parker]

I. I'm just. I'm not. I'm not thinking about her or. I'm just kidding.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Away from our grand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think the flash.

[Scott Aukerman]

The flash operation is reversing.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Oh, I'm lactating.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Their reverse flash is like an eobard thaw or something. Oh, my God. All of the surgeries are rehearsing. Their butts are getting smaller, their boobs are getting smaller. Their heads are no longer swivel. Are you guys all right?

[Ike Mink Samus]

It was trial. All this trial.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We got a deal because they were all trial surgery and they only lasted

[Scott Aukerman]

a couple of hours.

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think you'll go back and get the real ones?

[Spike Mink Samus]

No,

[Carolyn Parker]

I think you look better like you are now.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All natural.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah. Yeah. The ass, the tits. It didn't look right.

[Ike Mink Samus]

It wasn't right.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We had to try it.

[Carolyn Parker]

Sometimes you have to try things to know they're not right. Isn't that true?

[Spike Mink Samus]

That's right, girly.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Hey, girly, you damn right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you find a time for their grandson, by the way?

[Carolyn Parker]

No, I didn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you get him in today?

[Carolyn Parker]

Let me just try one last time, see if I can get him in today, okay? Because he said next week, and I said I'd have to look at my book. I didn't bring my book with me.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Anything.

[Spike Mink Samus]

He needs his ass.

[Carolyn Parker]

Hey, listen, can we get the baby in for the full service today?

[Scott Aukerman]

If you can get me a baby over here.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yeah, I'll get it done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm not gonna any baby A specific baby.

[Carolyn Parker]

Once again, can I. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed today because you have a little bit of an attitude with me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Why don't you ask Dr. Beecher?

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, you. Oh, why don't I. Can you put of mine?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I cannot because we are not in

[Scott Aukerman]

the same building right now.

[Carolyn Parker]

In here.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Underneath.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not in the same building. Why are you not in the same building?

[Carolyn Parker]

In the same building.

[Scott Aukerman]

He had a coupon that was expiring that he wanted to go get a sandwich with you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He told you about this?

[Carolyn Parker]

That's, by the way, old.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's coupon.

[Carolyn Parker]

That's code, if you know what I'm saying.

[Spike Mink Samus]

For what?

[Carolyn Parker]

That's code for me. I'm the sandwich, you're the exp.

[Spike Mink Samus]

How is the expired code?

[Carolyn Parker]

I'll text him and say, hey, a coupon's ready for that sandwich, but it expired.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you guys meeting in a hotel to do this? I thought this all happened at the office.

[Carolyn Parker]

Are you catching this?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Is it sandwich? Most of your hookups are sand.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to be catching it, but, yeah, I hear almost everything.

[Carolyn Parker]

Okay, well, put a ring on it.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Oh, hang down on one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you hung up on him.

[Spike Mink Samus]

It almost seemed like he was about to.

[Ike Mink Samus]

He was about to do the most

[Spike Mink Samus]

romantic thing ever now over the phone.

[Carolyn Parker]

It's too late. I do have to meet Dr. Beecher at holiday Inn Express.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, cool.

[Carolyn Parker]

Which. Which, by the way, best cinnamon rolls.

[Ike Mink Samus]

I've heard this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they have the pants?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Finished your thought?

[Carolyn Parker]

Yeah, that was it.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Best cinnamon rolls. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Holiday Inn Express of all time?

[Spike Mink Samus]

At best of anywhere on earth.

[Carolyn Parker]

Yes. No, I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's even better than the beginning of your office.

[Carolyn Parker]

No, we don't have cinnamon rolls. We do have cinnamon grubs.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Hard cinnamon crumbs, which are great.

[Carolyn Parker]

Which are good.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Spa. Can you take the cinnamon challenge?

[Carolyn Parker]

You can. You can take a cinnamon challenge. 1.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that one?

[Carolyn Parker]

One minute with a side of the does stuff. Do you. Is that when you eat a spoonful of cinnamon? Yeah.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Sugar. That's the cinnamon challenge.

[Ike Mink Samus]

You have to be looking at some cinnamon in the little thing or be named cinnamon.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Oh, that's why a lot of horses do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've been doing it.

[Carolyn Parker]

We've been doing it wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, we're. We're running out of time, unfortunately, on this very special Wet day episode, plenty

[Spike Mink Samus]

of time to stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, A little something called plugs. All kinds of plugs parade the floor. Big, small, bright, hardcore decor Metal, rubber, glow in the dark, slugs, unity dumps, Thousand plugs, earplugs, butt plugs, Electric plugs. Electric plugs that only work in Malaysia. Following the footsteps of a ragdoll dance we are entranced, Spellbound Alice. All right, guys, what do we want to plug here? Spike and Ike. What? First I'll. I'll go to Spike or Ike.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Thank you.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want to plug?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Our location of our grandson.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Zero.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that's also the location of your granddaughter.

[Spike Mink Samus]

We found. Stay away from our grand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you suggesting that we some do some recon before this with binoculars or

[Spike Mink Samus]

something like that to recon yourself before you beon yourself.

[Carolyn Parker]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And refcon yourself before you defcon yourself.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Ike Mink Samus]

And watch Running Point on Netflix on 4 23.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is April 23rd, the basketball show on Netflix. And it's. It's called Running Point because all of the basketball players run to several points on the court.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right. They're marked off. They're. They're very specific points. And then there's an A story, a B story, and a C story. But they're all about running to the points.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Sometimes people run and point at the same time.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this stars Oscar nominee this year, Kate Hudson.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And some other great people in the cast.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's Justin Theroux.

[Scott Aukerman]

Justin Theroux pops in for every other episode.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Scott MacArthur, Fabrizio Guido.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then Ike Barinholtz also co created this, right?

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right. Mindy Cool Kaling, Ike Barinholtz and David Stassen.

[Scott Aukerman]

So a lot of great people on this. It was a huge hit in season one.

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now season two is coming and we couldn't be happier.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Stay away from the show.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Granddaughter's favorite show, which is Running Point.

[Scott Aukerman]

So stay away from Running Point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No,

[Scott Aukerman]

meaning don't go inside the TV and try to be in it. Exactly right. I got it.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Don't try to go in the TV and be in Running Point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it. Got it. Willy Wonka style. We don't want anything like that to happen.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Right?

[Ike Mink Samus]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Got it. And Spiker Reich, what do you want to plug?

[Spike Mink Samus]

I want to plug Varietopia. It's gonna be at Bell House in Brooklyn on the 25th and 26th of April.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Now look, my granddaughter won't be there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that's good.

[Spike Mink Samus]

So you can go.

[Scott Aukerman]

But your Grandson will be there.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Our grandson will be there. And the opening act is us kicking the out of my grandson.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a very special show. I got to see this.

[Ike Mink Samus]

A one person mosh pit with our grandson being pushed to the ground over and over and over.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Everyone get in a circle and push our grandson down on the ground. Growl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this sounds amazing. Now, Carolyn Parker, what do you want? Plug. I'm.

[Carolyn Parker]

I'd love to if it's okay. Push my gentist and spa office feature and tombs and our. And also on Instagram, if you have a second, come over to this very, very, very sweet boy. It's Rygal. R Y G A U. Well, on Instagram, he's a very sweet boy and he. And please, if you need. Give him a. Give him a call at 310-980-4053 and let him know how things are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let him know if you have any requests.

[Carolyn Parker]

If you have any requests. If you need him to.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you need help moving, if you

[Carolyn Parker]

need money, if you need help moving, if you need him to like come and babysit, kick throw your baby.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Yes.

[Carolyn Parker]

Into the, the dirt and push him

[Ike Mink Samus]

into the ground just to it.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Push him to the dirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if you, if you want him to judge your dick pics or. Oh yeah.

[Carolyn Parker]

Well, maybe not. We're. We're on a long. I think he's on a real long streak of never getting one, so maybe we'll help you.

[Ike Mink Samus]

So he needs one.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Challenge accepted.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a drought. Apparently

[Ike Mink Samus]

you didn't know that you liked it until they were gone.

[Spike Mink Samus]

A long dry spell.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, what do I want to plug? I want to plug CBB World. We have a brand new website. By the way, this is an incredible looking website. It has great new features. You can look up performers, you can look up characters, you can make your own playlists with certain characters.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What could be more exciting in the year 2026 than a.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can also play episodes right from the website. We really.

[Spike Mink Samus]

I take it back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, we wanted the website to look better and we wanted it to have a bunch of functions that you guys would find fun. We're adding stuff all the time, so you know. Yeah, I know. People aren't on websites.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Can you put our granddaughter on your website?

[Spike Mink Samus]

If so, don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

No and yes or we'll put you

[Spike Mink Samus]

in a www.harriscoffin.com got it. Net smart guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So head on over there. You can get the entire archive of comedy Bang Bang. Every single episode we've ever done ad free plus every live episode we've ever done, this is thousands of episodes. Plus we have new shows. We have shows like Neighborhood Listen and CBB Presents, where people from this show have their own show. Collegetown Scott hasn't seen where Sprague. Sprague, the Whisperer, and I watch movies. So much stuff going on over. You're gonna want to spend a lot of time on that website. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Close the bag.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Cause it's open.

[Scott Aukerman]

Close that bag. Cause it's open. And if you don't close the bag, then I will punch you in the face. So just close that bag. Close the bag. Mr.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Au.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. All right, that was. Close the effing bag. Thank you, Mr. A. By Cam. Get them, Cam. Get them. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Spike and Ike, wonderful to have you on this wet day. Many Urkel to you.

[Spike Mink Samus]

Juice, what are you doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I'm sorry, you guys. You have been on our wet day episodes, like probably four out of the five times we've done them.

[Spike Mink Samus]

What is wet day?

[Ike Mink Samus]

What are the rules?

[Spike Mink Samus]

Do you observe any traditions?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Is the whole tree inside the house?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, just, just. Just the tip, as they say. Okay, Carolyn Parker, what do you want? Plug or no plugging?

[Carolyn Parker]

No, I would love to

[Spike Mink Samus]

push it real good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Carolyn, wonderful to see you. I hope so.

[Carolyn Parker]

Nice to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have fun having sex or whatever you do.

[Carolyn Parker]

I never have had sex with them.

[Scott Aukerman]

You never have sex with either of them?

[Carolyn Parker]

No, I have sex with, well, whatoms. What do you consider sex?

[Scott Aukerman]

It depends on the definition of sex.

[Ike Mink Samus]

Pen. Penestration.

[Carolyn Parker]

Nothing with nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we ask his penis, by the way?

[Ike Mink Samus]

Let's ask penis plus stration. What is penestration?

[Carolyn Parker]

Oh, I do have that. I do have that with both of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.

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[Spike Mink Samus]

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