
Many Urkels to you! Wet Day co-creator Paul F. Tompkins talks about new additions to the Wet Day canon, guidance on umbrellas, and a greeting for those who do not celebrate. Brothers Spike and Ike Minksalmon deliver exciting news about their family. And dental spa receptionist Carolyn Parker tries to sort out workplace soup drama.
Loading summary
Scott Aukerman
I have great news.
Spike Mink Samus
Malcolm in the Middle is back.
Scott Aukerman
My life is fantastic now in a four part event. All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
Paul F. Tompkins
Your biggest problem is that we exist.
Scott Aukerman
Everyone's invited to the Can't Miss reunion of the year. This family's behavior is toxic to me. We'll just take turns fighting and creating disasters. That's what families do.
Ike Mink Samus
Malcolm in the Middle Life's still unfair
Scott Aukerman
premieres Friday, April 10th on Hulu and
Paul F. Tompkins
Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers terms apply.
Scott Aukerman
America's best network just got bigger.
Paul F. Tompkins
Switch to T Mobile today and get
Scott Aukerman
built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our five year price guarantee. And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.
Paul F. Tompkins
Best mobile network based on analysis by Oogle of speed test intelligence data 2H2025 bigger network. The combination of T Mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile Network's coverage price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. See t mobile.com for details.
Scott Aukerman
We're soaked to the bone. A sight to be met. Drippingly, drenchingly, droolingly wet. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Wow. Thank you to funky Dance Cat for that wet day. Specific catchphrase submission. That was hot.
Paul F. Tompkins
Hot water can be hot.
Scott Aukerman
That has set the the tone. Yes, water can be very, very hot and sometimes blisteringly so.
Paul F. Tompkins
Water can run the temperature from ice to steam.
Scott Aukerman
Although it. It cannot be ice, I think because then it's not water any longer. Yeah, technicality.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you think a chickens when it becomes poultry, it's not a chicken anymore.
Scott Aukerman
Well, when it's an egg, it's just an egg, right?
Paul F. Tompkins
It's chicken egg.
Scott Aukerman
It's too early on wet day to get into an argument.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's so true. I don't want to argue on wet day.
Scott Aukerman
Not on wet day.
Spike Mink Samus
Oh, no.
Scott Aukerman
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week, Paul. And then now let me welcome the listeners. Listeners, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.
Paul F. Tompkins
Should I welcome them as well?
Scott Aukerman
Yes, please do.
Paul F. Tompkins
Listeners, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. We have an exceptional show coming up a little later. We have two elderly gentlemen.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
We also have a receptionist. Oh, wow. What a show. Star studded.
Paul F. Tompkins
They're not. Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Can you imagine anyone passing up on this episode of comedy?
Paul F. Tompkins
Is it now? I don't want to be greedy.
Scott Aukerman
Not like Greo from Star Wars.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, I don't shoot first.
Scott Aukerman
The greediest character.
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't shoot first.
Scott Aukerman
You shoot last though. You know what I mean, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greedo comes first.
Paul F. Tompkins
I. I want to know, and you have to tell me. Is one of the elderly men also the receptionist?
Scott Aukerman
I. Let me check my note. No. Although I don't know how old the receptionist is, nor do I know the gender, so.
Paul F. Tompkins
But three distinct people.
Scott Aukerman
Three distinct people will be here in addition to you and myself.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's five together.
Scott Aukerman
Five people on a show together.
Paul F. Tompkins
Five all day.
Scott Aukerman
Can you imagine five of anything in one place at one time?
Paul F. Tompkins
Jackson's all right.
Scott Aukerman
Although, was Tito really okay? He was. He was AI, wasn't he?
Paul F. Tompkins
How about this? The numbers from 1 to 5,
Scott Aukerman
although 4 is hardly ever there when you think about it.
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't. Okay, let me think about it. I don't know.
Scott Aukerman
Like, anytime you go, like, hey, look over there. It's the numbers 1 through 5, right? 4 is usually either off, he's left or. You know what I mean? So.
Paul F. Tompkins
So I. I don't like that numbers are alive.
Scott Aukerman
I don't like it either, but it's what we've been forced to live with. The Alphabet they all got on Noah's Ark. That's how we have numbers. We could have made them extinct.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Spike Mink Samus
We had our chance.
Scott Aukerman
Let me explain to whom I'm speaking with. With whom I'm speaking to. To. With whom I'm speaking. He is a gentleman of distinction. He is a racontour Corre. Standup comedian.
Paul F. Tompkins
Where's the life?
Scott Aukerman
He is a. I hate to say it, but he's a podcaster.
Paul F. Tompkins
Confirmed.
Scott Aukerman
He is the patron saint of Wet Day. No, he's not. That's.
Spike Mink Samus
Of course.
Scott Aukerman
He is One of the originators of this holiday we are celebrating today, along with myself. Please welcome Paul F. Topkins. Woohoo. Happy Wet Day to you many.
Paul F. Tompkins
Happy Wet Day to you many URLs to you. Many hamburgers to you as well.
Scott Aukerman
Hamburgers to you. Of course.
Paul F. Tompkins
Now, who do we think is the patron state of Wet Day? Has this been established?
Scott Aukerman
I believe so. I believe it is Urkel.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's his.
Scott Aukerman
No, I'm sorry, no. Poseidon, the Greek God, is the patron saint of Wet Day. Jim Belushi used to be. And he was the grand marshal of the Wet Day parade because of his cigars. And then Urkel is now the new patron of Wet Day. But he has to be pushing it all year long now. Part of what?
Paul F. Tompkins
The character Urkel has to be promoting Wet Day all year long.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. In order to remain. He's consuming now.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do we have the stats on that's the thing.
Scott Aukerman
We need to judge in the middle of today's show whether he really has been doing his duties.
Paul F. Tompkins
Has Urkel been helping out or hindering?
Scott Aukerman
Because much like Miss America, there has to be a backup for Urkel.
Paul F. Tompkins
Can you imagine? We now get the chance to ask Urkel, did you do that?
Scott Aukerman
Well, Paul, part of this.
Paul F. Tompkins
Did you call me Pol Pot?
Scott Aukerman
Pol Pot. What have you been up to lately, Pol Pot? Well, I'm in hell, right?
Spike Mink Samus
And it's like you're zero.
Scott Aukerman
Worst hell for you.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, yeah, Dictator hell. It's terrible. It's not lowest, nothing but dictators. And all day long we have to vote who's in charge.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, no.
Spike Mink Samus
And it's dead heat every single time. Everyone votes for themselves.
Scott Aukerman
Paul, before we get into all of the wet day stuff, I we have a major comedy bang bang announcement.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, I'll say we do.
Scott Aukerman
Breaking breaking news.
Paul F. Tompkins
Good evening, Mr. Ms. America and all
Carolyn Parker
the ships at sea.
Scott Aukerman
By the way, all of you ships are gonna wanna go to this.
Paul F. Tompkins
If you're a ship at sea, time to come back in.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Time to get up on land and go to a theater to come see the Comedy Bang Bang ground Beefing Tour 2026.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's right, we're beefing the ground.
Scott Aukerman
We're beefing so much ground. This week, this week, this tour.
Paul F. Tompkins
This week. We're never gonna stop.
Scott Aukerman
We are announcing the first batch of dates on our 2026 tour today. They're on sale this week and we're starting May 25th in Toronto. That's right, Toronto.
Paul F. Tompkins
Toronto.
Scott Aukerman
Toronto.
Paul F. Tompkins
Canada.
Scott Aukerman
Canada. We're starting May 25th. We're going to Toronto, then we're going to Minnesota, then a whole bunch of dates. These are just the June dates, by the way, that we're, we're announcing. There's going to be just the June dates. Just the June dates. We're going to be doing the Midwest and the east coast in June.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah. Yeah. So relax.
Scott Aukerman
So relax. We're going to be doing the UK and. And then we're going to be doing the west coast and the south and all Earth.
Paul F. Tompkins
Beautiful, beautiful south. The beautiful.
Scott Aukerman
All that kind of stuff. But we're going to be doing Tex Mex. We're going to invent Tex Mex this year. We've just, we've, we finally think we figured it out.
Spike Mink Samus
We're so close.
Scott Aukerman
Basically. We got to add food from Texas and then another place. We can't quite figure out what it is, but we're, we're going to get there. So Everyone who comes to the shows will get a free Tex Mex meal. If we can figure it out.
Paul F. Tompkins
If we can figure it out.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
Which I hope we do.
Scott Aukerman
I hope.
Paul F. Tompkins
I would love to give everybody a text Mex meal if we figure it out.
Scott Aukerman
You can see all the dates@cbb world.com tour and there's that. This is just of course, the June dates. And then we're going to be announcing the rest later. But the other part is we're going to have limited VIP meet and greets every show. And so the tickets go on sale this week. Okay. There's going to be the. The. The code.
Spike Mink Samus
This.
Scott Aukerman
And this is a special.
Paul F. Tompkins
And the code is sacred.
Scott Aukerman
And this is sacred.
Paul F. Tompkins
We live by this code.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, we. And we die by this code. And the code is beefing. And that's how you can get tickets on Wednesday for the pre sale and then the regular tickets go on sale Friday.
Paul F. Tompkins
So remember, the code is beefing. Has anyone ever used bro as a code?
Scott Aukerman
Just bro.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
And I don't know why. Oh, because of the bro code. Oh, sure. Code. Bro code. So. But we're really excited. Paul's on every date and then it's the rotating group of comedy Bang Bang All Stars. And we're really excited to get out there and see all of you. And we're hitting a few cities we didn't hit last time. We're hitting some new cities. I think this is going to be fun. And we're hitting our old favorites as well. And if we aren't coming back to your city, it's because we hate it. Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
You got to think about what you did.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, exactly. Just think back. And then, and then punish yourself.
Paul F. Tompkins
So anytime you're writing on to somebody online who is announcing tour dates and you say, why don't you come to this city? Ask the city.
Scott Aukerman
Ask the city. Because the city knows what it did.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes, exactly.
Scott Aukerman
Anyway, we can't wait to see you
Paul F. Tompkins
get ready to drag those ships Fitzcarraldo style.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. We want everyone to bring one giant ship with, please.
Paul F. Tompkins
Just one. One per show.
Scott Aukerman
And that ship will get a full Tex Mex meal if we figure it out. Yes, yes. Anyway, so we wanted to mention that. Go to cbb world.com tourful for all of that. And now, Paul, we have to start talking about the reason we're here today.
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't want to talk about that other stuff anymore.
Scott Aukerman
I hate it. Paul, it is, of course, wet day. What is wet day? It's a holiday. It's A holiday that we came up with back in 2021, perhaps. And we've been celebrating it ever since. Part of what happens on this very special episode today is Wet Day, observed, of course, is that we undergo the recitation of the facts about wet.
Spike Mink Samus
Yes, we do. We undergo it.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. We have a lot of facts about Wet Day that we've spoken about over the years. And. And I'm here to say exactly what we talked about in previous episodes and perhaps add to them.
Paul F. Tompkins
There's going to be two hits. Scott, hit me with the facts and my jaw hitting the floor because I
Scott Aukerman
can't believe these facts. That's right. Here we go. Wet Day was created because after enduring wet themed pranks on April Fool's Day, everyone will have nine days to dry off and then get wet again on wet days.
Carolyn Parker
That's right.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
However, we also recommended that we cancel April Fool's Day moving forward in 2024. We recommended this. Now, did it stick?
Paul F. Tompkins
Well, it's two years later, so I'm gonna guess now.
Scott Aukerman
No, I don't think so.
Spike Mink Samus
I don't recall.
Paul F. Tompkins
Did we make any movement on that?
Scott Aukerman
Well, we recomm. You would think the powers that be were listening to us.
Paul F. Tompkins
Can we pin this on Urkel?
Ike Mink Samus
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Urkel, what's going on? Wet day Eve celebrated three months before January 10th. Leap Day. February 29th is a second Wet Day Eve should it occur within the calendar year.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Did not occur this year.
Spike Mink Samus
No.
Scott Aukerman
No. So we've only had one Wet Day Eve. On Wet Day Eve, you should put everything you own in the shower and then get on top of it.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes, get on top of it.
Scott Aukerman
You should be decorating for Wet Day on St. Patrick's Day, March 17. I hope everyone did that. Paul, you mentioned you demoisten things starting in October so you can start being really wet by midnight on Wet Day Eve.
Paul F. Tompkins
Exactly.
Scott Aukerman
You put everything you own into the shower. Decorations for wet days. String together popcorn and ice cubes.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Of course, the wet tree. That's a big, big part of the wet tree. The wet tree.
Paul F. Tompkins
I love the wet tree. And I get a real wet tree every year.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. Now, here's what you do. You place a wet tree outside your house or apartment, and then open the window and bend it so it leans a little bit inside. The primary thing is the tree has to be wet. Not the wettest tree in the world. Just the wettest tree you can find.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, you're not trying to set a record. You Just.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, just the wettest you can find.
Paul F. Tompkins
It has to be. Just make it a wet tree.
Scott Aukerman
Absolutely. If you find a wet tree and then there's a wetter tree over there, you have to discard the first tree.
Paul F. Tompkins
Look, do you. Do you know what a wet tree looks like?
Spike Mink Samus
You do?
Scott Aukerman
You do. Obviously you do. When I say the words wet tree.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
It's right there in your mind.
Paul F. Tompkins
And you understand degrees of wetness, I hope so.
Scott Aukerman
Unless you're a little baby listening to this show for the first time. Wet day traditions. Poseidon, the Greek God, of course, we mentioned as the patron saint of wet day. Urkel is also. There are three wet ghosts in wet bedsheets who visit on wet day. One is. One is Ted Danson and the lady in Creepshow, probably Christine Forest.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
And then also Leslie Nielsen because he was in Great show as well. Wet day is the day to spray Elon Musk with the civil rights grade fire hose, if you can. If you see him out in the wild and he'll laugh and he'll. He'll appreciate it.
Spike Mink Samus
Sure he will.
Paul F. Tompkins
He's got a great sense of humor.
Scott Aukerman
Michael Richards is a wet day thing due to being sprayed in the movie uhf.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do we have to keep that one?
Scott Aukerman
Maybe, Maybe not. Waterworld is, of course, the wet day movie.
Paul F. Tompkins
Absolutely.
Scott Aukerman
And you have to go to the Waterworld stunt show on wet day. And you have to sit in the spot Splash zone.
Spike Mink Samus
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
If you don't celebrate Wet Day, you have to go see Dune, because that's the driest movie.
Carolyn Parker
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Avatar Way of Water was declared the wet day movie in 2023.
Paul F. Tompkins
Does it replace Waterworld?
Scott Aukerman
I guess so. Yeah. But there is no stunt show for Avatar. The way of water is there. There should be.
Paul F. Tompkins
There should be.
Scott Aukerman
There really should be. Okay, new rule. Create a stunt show in your backyard for Avatar Way of Water. However you can.
Paul F. Tompkins
However you can. Doesn't have to be great.
Scott Aukerman
Whatever's available to you. If you're friends with a lot of stunt performers, great. That's gonna be a great stunt show. Absolutely.
Paul F. Tompkins
But if you just have your dumb kids to rely on.
Scott Aukerman
Sure.
Paul F. Tompkins
Just they like to rambunctiously run or whatever. What am I trying to roughhouse? Roughhousing? Carousing.
Scott Aukerman
Free Willy is the enemy of wet day. Because Willy is already wet. He's jumping out of the water in the poster, not wanting to be wet. So if you see Willy on wet day, you're allowed to shoot him and then make a movie about it. Kill Willy, I guess, would be the title.
Spike Mink Samus
Sure.
Scott Aukerman
The Swimmer with Burt Lancaster is a great Wet Day movie because it features a person getting wet.
Carolyn Parker
That's right.
Spike Mink Samus
Over and over again.
Scott Aukerman
There are only three numbers between 0 and wet. 1, 2, 3 and wet.
Carolyn Parker
What?
Scott Aukerman
I don't know. That is one of the things we talked about.
Paul F. Tompkins
There's only three numbers between zero and wet.
Scott Aukerman
Wet. 1, 2, 3.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wet.
Scott Aukerman
Wet. Yes. Jonah is the wettest character in the Bible. Of course. Yes. Weird Al should call himself Wet Al on Wet Day, obviously. That's right. Wet Day is not a religious holiday. We have to mention. Although bids from religious groups, including cults, are welcome to claim Wet Day. We have. Has anyone tried to claim what day this year with you?
Paul F. Tompkins
They haven't come to me. Have they come to you?
Scott Aukerman
They haven't come to me either.
Paul F. Tompkins
But I cannot stress this enough. Cults are welcome culture. Well, we will entertain all offers.
Scott Aukerman
Now, if we hear Urkel has gone into a cult, we'll kind of know what's happening.
Spike Mink Samus
Absolutely.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. On Wednesday.
Paul F. Tompkins
Or is he trying to escape from us?
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that's true. Maybe he doesn't want to be a part.
Paul F. Tompkins
Where is Urkel? Do we have eyes on her?
Scott Aukerman
Eyes on her. Do we have a 20 on Urkel?
Paul F. Tompkins
Where's Urkel?
Scott Aukerman
Urkel, what's your 20 on wet day? Paul's name is Paul Wet Tompkins. The F is gone.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Now, if you are not wet on Wet Day, you will get punched in the nose so hard that the wettest liquid comes out of his blood, of course. And people can keep punching until blood comes out. You say juice like David Schwimmer does In the People vs. O.J. simpson American Crime story. Use juice as a greeting.
Spike Mink Samus
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
This can come after many Urkels to you. Which is the traditional greeting of Wet day, of course, which we'll remember next year. Of course. Now what to do for Wet day? Take a longer shower than usual. 45 minutes to an hour. Because right now we take showers that are 30 minutes. Exactly.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes. Because of the drought.
Scott Aukerman
Because of the drought.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah. We have to cap our showers at 30 minutes.
Scott Aukerman
30 minutes. So on Wet day, though, you can take a little bit longer. Can take 45 minutes to an hour. Eat a big wet meal, soup, preferably poutine. Sleep in a full tub. Visit. Visit wet places. Toss water balloons into local businesses and customers. Take the ink out of a pen and fill it with water also. Then put that ink into a vaudeville esque squirting flower. Part of Wet Day activities is buying new technology after Wet Day since all of your electronics will have gotten wet.
Paul F. Tompkins
Drenched.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. So I mean, that's a fun part of, you know, it's a lot like the day after Thanksgiving. Oh, it's Black Friday. The day after wet day is so fun. Oh, I love that. The day after wet day, though, you get to go buy all new electronics.
Paul F. Tompkins
They should. Honestly, I would love it if people would embrace this. If retail establishments would embrace this and have wet day sales.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
For the people observing wet day, so they're not getting two weeks ripped off.
Scott Aukerman
Two weeks leading up to it. Hey, we have a wet day sale. Buy. Buy a bunch of electronics. And then, of course, you know, on wet day, you have to get them all wet. But it's like, then it's cheaper.
Paul F. Tompkins
Here's the thing.
Spike Mink Samus
Try it.
Scott Aukerman
Just if you.
Paul F. Tompkins
If, you know, if, you know, these people are observant and they are destroying their electronics on wet day and then the next day having to buy new electronics. I mean, this is money in your pocket.
Scott Aukerman
Every single worst thing that could happen.
Paul F. Tompkins
Worst thing that could happen.
Scott Aukerman
I guess nuclear war.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, you're really zooming out. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, I mean, yeah. I mean, not because of all this. Right.
Paul F. Tompkins
I meant in this situation, but you in this situation.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. Got it. Some of the wet places that were recommended to visit were going surfing, skiing, and into a tarp.
Paul F. Tompkins
Going surfing.
Scott Aukerman
However, on tar pits, I believe I read the tar pits are not wet. They're sticky, but they're not wet. Yeah. On wet day, though, regardless of your gender identity or age, you should tell people, look, I'm an old man, since your fingers will be pruny and wrinkled from being wet and on.
Paul F. Tompkins
Why do you say, look, I'm an old man look? Are you saying like, look, I'm an old man?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, because that's. Are you saying, let's say it, I'm an old man. Look, I am your father.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you think Darth Vader had pruney fingers?
Scott Aukerman
I bet he did. Underneath. Yeah. I bet his fingers probably sweat a lot. His fingers matched his face. I would think.
Paul F. Tompkins
They usually do.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. On Wednesday, store you have. One should host wet T shirt contests.
Spike Mink Samus
So one should.
Scott Aukerman
One should also host a wet sweater contest because you can't sell sweater without sweat, which is wet and also has wet in it.
Paul F. Tompkins
Now, did I tell then the story of seeing a poster of Kathy Lee Crosby? She was one of the hosts of that's incredible. And she had.
Scott Aukerman
I'm just saying that's incredible. What was she the hostess?
Paul F. Tompkins
She. Well, coincidentally, a show called that's incredible. And there was a cheesecake photo of her wearing a.
Scott Aukerman
Not. Not something you should eat on wet day, by the way.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, it's not wet enough.
Scott Aukerman
Not wet enough. Not what I. I think. What's the wettest?
Paul F. Tompkins
Seems wet isn't wet.
Scott Aukerman
Melted ice cream.
Paul F. Tompkins
Melted ice cream is pretty.
Scott Aukerman
Wet ice cream.
Paul F. Tompkins
Hot ice cream like Tyra Banks makes.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, love it.
Paul F. Tompkins
If when I. If hot ice cream exists next year, you should eat it for wet day.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. We're not certain it will, but Tyra Banks it won't. Tyra Banks could be the backup to Urkel because she's so invested in hot ice cream.
Paul F. Tompkins
I mean, she's more. I, I would say she's more invested in it than anyone else.
Scott Aukerman
Anyone else on earth. She's. Anyone who's ever eaten it at one of her stores.
Paul F. Tompkins
Anyone who's ever sold it.
Scott Aukerman
I think she loves wet hot ice cream so much that she could be the backup to Urkel. And she's not divisive at all these days. So I think that's great.
Paul F. Tompkins
What if they made a movie called Wet Hot Ice Cream and it was the whole gang from summer.
Scott Aukerman
They Bradley Cooper especially. Non negotiable.
Paul F. Tompkins
Bradley Cooper especially. And they somehow added four more white people.
Scott Aukerman
Whoa. That would be amazing. Do you, do we know any. Oh, wait, you and me, right?
Paul F. Tompkins
Come on.
Scott Aukerman
Maybe the two elderly gentlemen as well. The official wet day after show is Watch Wet Happens Live, which will be live regardless of where you are or what time it is. And on the show they will invite alcoholics of past, present and future celebrating alcoholism. So future alcoholics who have not even started drinking yet.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you think it's going to be hardest to get the present ones or like they have to agree see that they are alcoholic.
Scott Aukerman
They are.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
But the future one, it'll be quite a blow to them once they hear about it.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah. Perhaps because they're selected.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. If you drink something on wet day, it should not have ice. If you do have to get something on the rocks, wait 30 minutes for it to melt first. So that I think solves the ice. No?
Paul F. Tompkins
Of course. Yeah, it solves. If it solves the problem of you have to get something on the rocks.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
There's no way around.
Scott Aukerman
There's no way around it.
Paul F. Tompkins
You have to order it that way.
Scott Aukerman
Exactly.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
But people say, hey, we don't serve drinks straight up or neat here. That's right.
Spike Mink Samus
Right out you pixies go.
Scott Aukerman
On Wed day you can drink Barbicide. That's Right, now here's as much as you want. As much as you want. We have talked about wet day carols and last year we talked about a couple songs. We talked about Fat Juicy and Wet by Sexy Red and Bruno Mars. We also talked about Bus Stop by the Holidays, which mentions Wet Day.
Paul F. Tompkins
Two people sang that song.
Scott Aukerman
They needed to help each other out
Paul F. Tompkins
to make that happen.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. When one would get tired, Bruno Mars would step in and say, let me take it from here. And vice versa.
Paul F. Tompkins
I'm exhausted. Tag me. Tag me now. Wet Day, Bus Stop by the Hollies.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
We came to the conclusion, if memory serves, that it's the anti wet day carol.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. Because what are the lyrics again? It says something to the effect of wet day and then it doesn't like it. Right.
Paul F. Tompkins
They're using an umbrella to keep from being wet.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. No, umbrellas, honestly, are not wet day wet.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's an insult.
Scott Aukerman
Unless it's like an ice sculpture umbrella and it's melted. Yeah. The half hour before wet day starts,
Paul F. Tompkins
if you carry an umbrella, it should be all the canvas is gone. It's just the spines.
Scott Aukerman
Just the spines. Like you're a cartoon. Yeah. Character who's been blown up or something while carrying an umbrella.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because first you have an umbrella because you're going to shield yourself from the falling rock.
Scott Aukerman
Exactly. Yes. And then it explodes, much like Wile E. Coyote has exploded many a time.
Paul F. Tompkins
If a rock falls from a great enough height, it will explode.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. We also talked about through the Rain, Mariah Carey's wettest song. But we have had a couple of submissions of Wet Day Carols listeners creating Wet Day carols.
Paul F. Tompkins
How nice.
Scott Aukerman
And I thought I would play both of them and we could vote on which one we decide to be the official Wet Day carol. All right, this one was submitted a year ago, but not in time for us.
Paul F. Tompkins
For our approval.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, for our approval. This is by Dan Louiselle. This is Wet Day Rock and roll. A wet day carol. Let's hear this one. Wet day, wet day Rock and roll into swinging, splashing trip Grab your shades and hose em down and let those babies drip Wet day, wet day rock and roll and I cannot believe it's been a year since getting wet. A month since Wet Day Eve don't be square, don't dry your hair It's a moistened holiday but if my granddaughter comes around to see the Halloween oh, you dolly way peas Please tease the keys and lubricate the pole it's wet day wet Day. Wet day. Rock and roll.
Paul F. Tompkins
That was tremendous.
Scott Aukerman
Tremendous.
Paul F. Tompkins
I love. I love just putting rock and roll into something.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. This is our second submission. This is by the only people who matter. And this is called I'm so Wet. I'm so wet from my head down to my tushy, baby I'm so wet from my feet up to my pussy and there's nothing you can say that would make me regret the way I celebrate the day we get so wet I'm so wet from my head down to my tushy, baby I'm so wet from my feet up to my pussy and there's nothing you can say that would make me regret the way I celebrate the day we get so wet Ooh, a fade out.
Paul F. Tompkins
Fade out on a carol.
Scott Aukerman
I think that's disqualifying.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's that song, by the way. Sounded dirtier than anything Prince ever imagined.
Scott Aukerman
He never even imagined something so dirty.
Paul F. Tompkins
He couldn't even. He would blush.
Scott Aukerman
He was like. If he ever heard the word Prince. By the way, are. Are actually.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you mean sugar balls?
Scott Aukerman
Is that what you're talking about? Sugar balls?
Paul F. Tompkins
Sugar balls.
Scott Aukerman
Sugar balls.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's me, Prince.
Scott Aukerman
It's me, Jack, with my sugar balls. Oh, Mary. Are. Are kind of wet day things, are they? Not. Wet day things. I do have to mention that the day after wet day, when that day is a Friday, is called Friday dry day. John suggested that. That's right. The La Tar pits are out. They're goopy and sticky. Not wet. The foundational question of wet day dares to ask, what game is God playing with us?
Paul F. Tompkins
And we ask that at wet day dinner.
Scott Aukerman
That's right.
Paul F. Tompkins
And we go around the table, see if anybody has a good answer. Should we try it right now?
Scott Aukerman
Sure. Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
With you and me.
Scott Aukerman
All right, here we go. The question is, what game is God playing with us? You're so wet.
Spike Mink Samus
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Great job.
Paul F. Tompkins
Thank you. I feel very damp. I can't see that well because rivulets of water.
Scott Aukerman
Right.
Paul F. Tompkins
Are filtering into my eyes. What game is God playing with us? I think that God we are. We are mice in. In the paws of a God cat.
Scott Aukerman
So very important. Important because they love playing with money.
Paul F. Tompkins
He's torturing us before eventually killing us.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Do you want to ask me what game is God playing with us, Scott,
Paul F. Tompkins
on this wet day? I ask you, what game is God playing with us?
Scott Aukerman
4D chess. Maybe even 5D. I mean, he's God.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
He could. He knows all the dimensions.
Spike Mink Samus
That's a good one.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Wow. It is hard to imagine iced tea being wet. So we want photos of him being wet, I. E. Stepping out of a pool or in a painting or a state of ice.
Paul F. Tompkins
In a painting?
Scott Aukerman
Yes. Because the paint would be wet.
Paul F. Tompkins
I think So a fresh painting.
Scott Aukerman
A fresh painting.
Paul F. Tompkins
A just signed painting.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Or a statue of iced tea without any arms, a la the statue of David. I don't know why, but that we talked about.
Paul F. Tompkins
The statue of David has arms.
Scott Aukerman
We apparently said this last year. And I don't know why, but has anyone sent you any pictures of iced tea wet? No. Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
You?
Scott Aukerman
No. None. Not a single one. There's gotta be some. There's got to be some out there. Let me, let me do.
Paul F. Tompkins
Didn't Fin Tutuola ever go to Jones beach after something particularly heinous happened?
Scott Aukerman
Google search. Here. Iced tea wet. I see him shirtless. Men's health. Okay, he's coming out of the water.
Paul F. Tompkins
Is there any moisture?
Scott Aukerman
Camera. There's no moisture on him.
Ike Mink Samus
No.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, maybe because he flips off the camera. If you catch him coming out of a body of water.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that's right.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, boy, that's gonna be tough.
Spike Mink Samus
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Because obviously we can't look at those.
Scott Aukerman
So if anyone can provide us with a picture of wet iced tea, we will give them. I guess $1.5 million is cash prize.
Paul F. Tompkins
Not to J. Jonah Jameson here, but I want to see pictures of wet iced tea. Parker. If your last name is Parker. Parker, you better get us pictures of wet iced tea.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. And we'll give you double.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
$3 million if you can prove your name is Parker. And in fact, we will not take pictures of wet iced tea from anyone, but from someone legally named Parker.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's right. But you do get 3 million.
Scott Aukerman
$3 million. So I would say change your name legally.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's peanuts compared to peanuts. Peanuts.
Scott Aukerman
Peanuts are not wet.
Paul F. Tompkins
Of course, Unless you're in the South. Boiled peanuts.
Scott Aukerman
Boiled peanuts are good. Okay, so what are the wettest foods you can think of?
Paul F. Tompkins
Boiled peanuts.
Scott Aukerman
Boiled peanuts.
Paul F. Tompkins
Poutine.
Scott Aukerman
Poutine. I guess. Miso soup.
Paul F. Tompkins
Miso soup. Matzo ball soup.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. A vegetable soup.
Paul F. Tompkins
Stew.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Not the chili from Tommy's? No, because it's pretty meaty.
Paul F. Tompkins
Also, let's just not talk about the chili from Tom.
Scott Aukerman
Is it like fight Club to you?
Paul F. Tompkins
I had that once and never again.
Scott Aukerman
Love it. What's. In fact, I'm gonna. I'm gonna treat you after the show. We're gonna go.
Paul F. Tompkins
You know what? It sucks when you stumble upon a fast food place that you do not grow up with. And you're like, oh man, I can't wait to try this. And it's terrible every time.
Scott Aukerman
It is. It is. Can you think of any other examples? Nope. In and out.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, it's okay.
Scott Aukerman
In and out urge.
Paul F. Tompkins
The only thing I don't like about in and out is the fries.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, well, you know, you can always go to a different restaurant and pick up fries. But you know what? These are not.
Paul F. Tompkins
I buy one. I buy one fry from every place so I can compare there. One fry, please.
Scott Aukerman
One order of fries, sir?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes, I'll take one order. But you keep all of them except this one.
Spike Mink Samus
That's my gift to you.
Scott Aukerman
Of course.
Paul F. Tompkins
These are dry foods. I apologize.
Scott Aukerman
Our last fact is, camels are the true animal of wet day due to the humps and the water contains.
Paul F. Tompkins
They're storing that one.
Scott Aukerman
They're storing and they're ready to release it on Wednesday. That's right. If you see a camel on wet day, go up with a big pin and poke it in the hump lump.
Paul F. Tompkins
Camels also spit.
Scott Aukerman
They do spit. Yeah, they love the spit. They don't swallow. So this is what we do on wet day. Of course.
Paul F. Tompkins
Of course it is.
Scott Aukerman
We recite the facts about wet day.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Paul and I are sopping wet right now. Yeah, we. Oh. At what point during the day did you get wet?
Paul F. Tompkins
I started squelching around. I'm gonna say 7am Okay. I set a wet alarm.
Scott Aukerman
What, what do you mean by a wet alarm?
Paul F. Tompkins
I put a phone, I put a, a alarm clock. An old fashioned alarm clock kind of wind up. I put that in a plastic bag. I lower it into a bucket of water next to the bed.
Scott Aukerman
And then it, then you hear sloshing around.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's, it's a delightful sound. It's a delightful sound.
Scott Aukerman
I have a timer for 1201am with a bucket over my bed.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, nice.
Scott Aukerman
And I, I just, and I, I, I don't ever remind Cool up that it's a wet day.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, you should.
Scott Aukerman
And we just get as drenched as you can get right from the jump.
Paul F. Tompkins
Does she get into the spirit of it though? After it initially happens?
Scott Aukerman
She loves it. She goes, oh, wet day again. The one as big as me.
Paul F. Tompkins
Jeannie doesn't like wet day.
Scott Aukerman
Janie. What?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Are you allowed to get divorced on wet day and then remarry the next day?
Paul F. Tompkins
I think you would have to get divorced what day? Eve.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
On January and then remarry day after wet day.
Scott Aukerman
Right. Okay. Yeah. That's a Good plan, actually, for the
Paul F. Tompkins
wet day season, you know, you want
Scott Aukerman
to be two months as a bachelor, if you know what I mean.
Carolyn Parker
Oh, yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, yeah. Bachelor rules apply.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Actually three months, right? February, March. Yeah, three months.
Paul F. Tompkins
All the tail we'd get.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my God. You and me together out on the table.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, my God.
Scott Aukerman
Can you imagine going to the club? Can you imagine two guys like us? Yeah. Hot commodities.
Paul F. Tompkins
Looking exactly like we do right now, huh?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Wearing the exact same clothes.
Paul F. Tompkins
These are the outfits we're gonna wear to the club.
Scott Aukerman
I don't have anything better. Wow. Well, happy wet day to everyone out there.
Paul F. Tompkins
To each and everyone. And if you don't observe wet day, go yourself. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Twice.
Paul F. Tompkins
Good afternoon. And go yourself twice.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, you know, you got time for it. You're not doing anything else.
Paul F. Tompkins
Exactly. Take all. Take all the energy that you would have put in a wet day and put it into going and yourself twice.
Scott Aukerman
Tw. All right, Paul, well, we're gonna take a break. Happy wedding to you. We need.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wait, what's the other thing you're supposed to say? After many Urkels to you, you are.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, that's right. It's. You are supposed to say. We already forgot. Oh, juice. Juice, Paul, Juice to you as well as to you. Many workers. No one is supposed to work on wet day. By the way, did. Did Urkel have a businessman brother called Werkel?
Spike Mink Samus
Should we change.
Paul F. Tompkins
Should we change Urkel to workle for wet day?
Scott Aukerman
I guess so. Wet Urkel. Yeah, Werkle. And he. He should be wearing a suit.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
And it's just drenched. And his briefcase, when he opens it up, it goes.
Paul F. Tompkins
All this water comes out like more than.
Scott Aukerman
All right, Paul, we need to take a break. I know you have to go.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, I'm sorry, I have to leave.
Scott Aukerman
When we come back, we're going to be talking to two elderly gentlemen. This is. And then a little later, a receptionist. This is an incredible show. Happy wet day to all everyone. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this. America's best network just got bigger.
Paul F. Tompkins
Switch to T Mobile today and get
Scott Aukerman
built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our five year price guarantee. And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores.
Paul F. Tompkins
Best mobile network based on analysis by
Scott Aukerman
Google of speed test intelligence data 2H2025 bigger network.
Paul F. Tompkins
The combination of T Mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. See t mobile.com for details.
Commercial Announcer
Strayer University, we help students like you go from Is it possible? To Anything is possible by offering access to 10 no cost gen Ed courses so you can reach your goals affordably and fast. Visit Strayer. Edu to learn more. No cost Gen EDS provided by Strayer University affiliate Sophia. Eligibility rules apply. Connect with us for details. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Chev and has many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia. Cash flow crunch on Deck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds up to $200,000 right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing and control over repayment. Get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today@ondeck.com funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by Ondeck or Celtic Bank On Deck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans an amount subject to lender approval.
Scott Aukerman
Comedy Bang Bang welcome back. It is Wet Day. Of course, our I believe this must be our our fifth in a row celebrating Wet Day. I remember taping one outside. That must have been during COVID So yeah. Wow. What a wet day it has been so far. And we have a few guests here that are going to make it even more extraordinary. We've seen them on a lot of our Wet Day episodes. They are two elderly gentlemen and they've been on the show many times. Please welcome back to the show Spike and Ike Mink Samus.
Spike Mink Samus
Stay away from our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
Yes, of course, guys. Yes. We all know to stay away from your granddaughter. Welcome back to the show. It's so great to see you. Which one of you is Spike? Which one of you is I could Exactly Right. Right. Okay.
Spike Mink Samus
Now look, look.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, you. You guys have been on the show many times. You have a granddaughter. You're very protective over there.
Spike Mink Samus
You remember.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Ike Mink Samus
What we just said.
Scott Aukerman
Have I stayed away from her rule
Spike Mink Samus
about our granddaughter daughter Stay away from our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
And I have kept that promise, have I not? I have not been anywhere near your granddaughter.
Spike Mink Samus
So far so good.
Scott Aukerman
What? What did you guys say?
Spike Mink Samus
So far so good.
Scott Aukerman
Stacy. Oh, okay. Or something. Za. So far so good. Zae. Zay. I I I do not much like Urkel. I do not have eyes on your granddaughter. I do not know her patience that way. You seem to be which whichever one are you?
Carolyn Parker
You are.
Scott Aukerman
You seem to be slightly late on each of these cues.
Spike Mink Samus
One of us is always vigilant looking out for our granddaughter.
Ike Mink Samus
So we missed the beginning. See?
Scott Aukerman
Okay. I was locked in with you.
Ike Mink Samus
He was scanning the room.
Scott Aukerman
Got it. Okay, so you're.
Spike Mink Samus
Now you get to edit.
Scott Aukerman
Your head is on a swivel. Both of you have two swivel heads alternating.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Spike Mink Samus
We went to a doctor. We had swivels put in our heads.
Scott Aukerman
Really?
Spike Mink Samus
Our heads are on swivel.
Ike Mink Samus
Mine's oscillating, so it goes like a fan, slowly back and forth.
Spike Mink Samus
Mine's intermittent, so it goes like a sprinkler.
Ike Mink Samus
Right.
Scott Aukerman
Did you get the surgery at the same time? And if so, what happened to your granddaughter?
Spike Mink Samus
Couples surgery. Were you holding couples massage?
Ike Mink Samus
You greased up? You're on two tables.
Scott Aukerman
Do you get to choose the gender of your. The person doing the operation like you do in a massage?
Ike Mink Samus
Of course.
Spike Mink Samus
We always say, surprise me.
Ike Mink Samus
We don't want to know.
Scott Aukerman
We're used to it.
Spike Mink Samus
Reveal it at the end.
Ike Mink Samus
Yes, because we don't want to come in too nervous.
Spike Mink Samus
Also, we were under anesthesia.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
But my question is why this was happening to you. It seems to me like your daughter would be unprotected.
Spike Mink Samus
Our granddaughter was with us in the surgery.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, but that I would think then the doctors would be kind of around your granddaughter.
Spike Mink Samus
We put her in a glass case.
Ike Mink Samus
Are you familiar with the Pope?
Scott Aukerman
I have a passing familiarity with him, yeah.
Spike Mink Samus
We are both from Chicago Catholics.
Scott Aukerman
This is new info.
Ike Mink Samus
If you keep your eye on the Vatican Facebook marketplace, occasionally they offload glass cases used by the Pope.
Spike Mink Samus
They start to smell popey after a while.
Scott Aukerman
Did you say poopy or poopy?
Ike Mink Samus
Oh, smells like there's pee and there's Pope.
Scott Aukerman
This is number two, though.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Spike Mink Samus
Number three.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Ike Mink Samus
The Holy Trinity.
Scott Aukerman
So you put your granddaughter in one of those during the surgery?
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
What about your recovery time? Time?
Spike Mink Samus
We're still.
Scott Aukerman
You're still recovering. Oh, my God.
Spike Mink Samus
We shouldn't be here.
Scott Aukerman
How long ago was the surgery?
Spike Mink Samus
This afternoon.
Scott Aukerman
Really?
Ike Mink Samus
Our eyes are still dilated.
Scott Aukerman
How are this.
Spike Mink Samus
We also went to the optometrist.
Ike Mink Samus
We save it all for one day.
Scott Aukerman
Just one day. Get everything out of the way.
Ike Mink Samus
Like a music festival.
Spike Mink Samus
But for our medical procedure, we call it medical day.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, get them all out. You're gonna feel lousy during all of these things. Why not just make it one day?
Ike Mink Samus
You bring in all the doctors one at a time.
Scott Aukerman
You're out in a big operating theater.
Spike Mink Samus
It's called nesting. We stay in one place, all the doctors come to us. We had a colonoscopy, bbls.
Scott Aukerman
They look great, I gotta say.
Ike Mink Samus
Thank you so much. It's peeking out the top of our genes.
Scott Aukerman
So did you get the colonoscopy and the BBL at the same time? Time. Because it's the same area, they would switch it off, do one nip here, one inflation there.
Spike Mink Samus
Yeah. Now me. And then the colonoscopy guy would go in. Now me.
Ike Mink Samus
One of them's bombing, the next one comes on. We would give them the light.
Spike Mink Samus
The other surgeons are the audience.
Scott Aukerman
Are they. Are they giving applause and encouragement to the other surgeons? Hooting, hollering, everything, Doing the Arsenio dog pound.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Spike Mink Samus
These people over here are people who like to watch surgeries.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
This is an Arsenio reference.
Ike Mink Samus
And so you got both elbows, tennis elbow. You both.
Spike Mink Samus
We had it installed.
Scott Aukerman
You're ambidextrous when it comes to tennis.
Ike Mink Samus
Our. Our elbows were working good, and we wanted a little bit of creek.
Spike Mink Samus
We were playing too much tennis, and we were too good at it.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. You want to give the other players a chance.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Right. I see.
Ike Mink Samus
We were number one and two at our club for 10 years in a row.
Scott Aukerman
Sort of like Venus and Serena in a way, too. Just like that, but on a smaller scale.
Ike Mink Samus
Much smaller.
Spike Mink Samus
Now, you notice one of us gets a little robotic when they talk.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. What's. Did you have anything in store?
Spike Mink Samus
Very good reason for that.
Scott Aukerman
What? Exactly. Yeah, you're a little more robotic. Whichever one.
Ike Mink Samus
Some of me is a. I, Some
Scott Aukerman
of you is AI now some.
Spike Mink Samus
You'll never guess which part.
Scott Aukerman
The voice box, the lyrics.
Ike Mink Samus
I have a chat.
Scott Aukerman
Ppt. What's a ppt? I know what a GPT is.
Ike Mink Samus
Pp. My pp.
Scott Aukerman
Your. Your penis is AI Now.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. I mean, that could be useful. As long as you give it the right.
Ike Mink Samus
It's learning everything all the time.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Ike Mink Samus
It's getting smarter.
Spike Mink Samus
My penis is getting stupid.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, well, that happens with. You are two elderly gentlemen. Right.
Ike Mink Samus
And we have an announcement.
Scott Aukerman
You have an announcement.
Spike Mink Samus
Right. This is an exclusive for you.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, wait, you haven't been on any other show. I guess WTF isn't around anymore. You would have gone to them, but.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
We would have told Marin, but instead, you're ready to make this exclusive announcement on Comedy Bang Bang. Now, you guys have been on the show many, many times.
Ike Mink Samus
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
And I can't imagine there's anything left to explore with you guys. But you say you have an announcement.
Spike Mink Samus
You'd think there wouldn't be be.
Ike Mink Samus
We have our thing, but now we have another thing.
Spike Mink Samus
We're adding a thing on top of a thing that already exists.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my gosh.
Ike Mink Samus
You know us. You're familiar with our one thing?
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Spike Mink Samus
We don't want you to come anywhere near our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
You were late on that one. So you were watching out? I was scanning.
Ike Mink Samus
I was rebooting my penis.
Spike Mink Samus
But great news for the mink salmon family.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Spike Mink Samus
Our daughter had another child.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, wow. Okay.
Spike Mink Samus
We now have a grandson.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Spike Mink Samus
And we're here to tell you we
Ike Mink Samus
don't give a about our grandson.
Scott Aukerman
What?
Spike Mink Samus
Get near.
Ike Mink Samus
Go close.
Spike Mink Samus
Go as close as you want.
Scott Aukerman
This is huge news. I mean, first of all, mazel tov.
Spike Mink Samus
Invading his personal space.
Ike Mink Samus
Do you want his address?
Scott Aukerman
Yes, of course I do. I would love to send it you to is. Okay. Yeah, I'm ready.
Spike Mink Samus
Go loom over him.
Scott Aukerman
Go loom over him. I don't know.
Ike Mink Samus
We're sliding a piece of paper across the table.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Ike Mink Samus
There you go.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. This. Yeah. Oh, okay. See, this is just a number.
Spike Mink Samus
It says zero. That's his address.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Ike Mink Samus
Zero is the first house ever built.
Scott Aukerman
Must be in, oh, by Plymouth Rock or something.
Spike Mink Samus
I bet you didn't know that house numbers are all sequential, spiritual and connected.
Scott Aukerman
Really? It's like the Social Security numbers.
Ike Mink Samus
That's exactly right.
Scott Aukerman
Wow.
Spike Mink Samus
God.
Scott Aukerman
Who has 000-000-0001? Do you know?
Spike Mink Samus
Don't you even dare try to go to 00-0001- is that your granddaughter's? No, you didn't hear that from us.
Ike Mink Samus
You didn't hear that.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I didn't. I suggested it.
Spike Mink Samus
Actually, our granddaughter's address is pro private.
Ike Mink Samus
Our grandsons is 00.
Scott Aukerman
Now, how old is your grandson now?
Spike Mink Samus
0 years old.
Scott Aukerman
He's 0 years old and he lives at 0.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Are you gonna try to keep his address in accordance with his age so when he hits one, you're gonna move to.
Spike Mink Samus
We'll move him to one.
Scott Aukerman
Well, yeah.
Ike Mink Samus
Well, of course. Just like ours. Every year on our birthday, we move one house to the right.
Scott Aukerman
You are twins.
Spike Mink Samus
We go across the street. Street? Yeah.
Ike Mink Samus
Straight across.
Scott Aukerman
Straight across.
Ike Mink Samus
But if you're facing the left, it's to your right.
Carolyn Parker
Got it.
Scott Aukerman
Got it. Are you twins? We've never talked about it. You have. You say you should stay away from
Spike Mink Samus
our granddaughter and get near our grandson.
Scott Aukerman
Well, okay. I mean, we switch places.
Ike Mink Samus
I'm over there and he's here.
Spike Mink Samus
Now I'm over here.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Carolyn Parker
Wow.
Ike Mink Samus
Did you notice that?
Scott Aukerman
I did. I. No, I mean, you.
Ike Mink Samus
That was one of the surgeries.
Spike Mink Samus
How can you tell us apart?
Ike Mink Samus
We got flash surgery.
Scott Aukerman
Fl. Oh. Meaning you have the powers of the Flash.
Spike Mink Samus
We now have the Speed Force.
Scott Aukerman
I got to introduce you to. A lot of times we just want
Ike Mink Samus
to switch places, and we crash into each other very hard.
Spike Mink Samus
Kaboom. It hurts. And your teeth get cracked.
Scott Aukerman
Well, guys, this. I mean, it's great that you have a grandson, but I. I push our
Ike Mink Samus
grandson to the dirt.
Scott Aukerman
Push him to the dirt, not into it.
Spike Mink Samus
Someone kneel behind our grandson. Someone stand in front of him and push him over the first person.
Scott Aukerman
What is it you don't like about your grandson?
Spike Mink Samus
We love our grandson.
Ike Mink Samus
We love him.
Spike Mink Samus
Get near him.
Ike Mink Samus
You need to rough up sons.
Scott Aukerman
Get rough up sons.
Spike Mink Samus
That's how you make a man.
Scott Aukerman
I see you're trying to, you know, kind of make him.
Ike Mink Samus
We're not going to be able to save you once you're 18.
Carolyn Parker
Scene.
Spike Mink Samus
We're only gonna be around so long. We need everyone in the world to step up, beat up our grandson, kick the. Out of our grandson.
Scott Aukerman
And if. If we do. I mean, I know in the past you've talked about if people get near your granddaughter, there's several threats. You know, putting people into a Pennsylvania shoelace.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right. If you don't go near our grandson, we're gonna put you in a Manchester Mankini,
Scott Aukerman
which is a coffin. A coffin.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Right.
Ike Mink Samus
If you avoid our grandson, you're not
Spike Mink Samus
gonna like what happens.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, no. What's gonna happen?
Ike Mink Samus
We're gonna put you in a Birmingham bra.
Scott Aukerman
Br. Like Brer Bear.
Spike Mink Samus
Yes, A Birmingham Brer. If you don't go near our grandson, you're gonna end up in a Flagstaff Fogo de chow.
Scott Aukerman
I don't want to wind up in any of this stuff. So. So, I mean, how quickly do I need to get to your grandson?
Ike Mink Samus
Do you want to have flash surgery?
Scott Aukerman
I guess so. Why is your doctor still. You just had it this morning.
Ike Mink Samus
He's killing right now.
Spike Mink Samus
Now.
Scott Aukerman
So with the other doctors.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Not you, hopefully.
Ike Mink Samus
No, no.
Spike Mink Samus
But once you've had flash surgery, you can give it to other people, and
Scott Aukerman
you can't go bash surgery.
Spike Mink Samus
What?
Scott Aukerman
Once you've.
Ike Mink Samus
Once you've had flash surgery, you can't go bash surgery.
Spike Mink Samus
You can only get Franklin surgery. After that, you. Here's the surgeries you can get after flash surgery.
Scott Aukerman
Okay? Franklet surgery.
Spike Mink Samus
Trit surgery. Surgery.
Ike Mink Samus
Bash surgery.
Scott Aukerman
No, you can't get back.
Ike Mink Samus
You can't get back.
Spike Mink Samus
Rizzoli surgery.
Scott Aukerman
What about aisles? No.
Spike Mink Samus
No. Lacy surgery.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Ike Mink Samus
Lawyer surgery. No. Lincoln surgery.
Scott Aukerman
Alley surgery.
Spike Mink Samus
Just Kate.
Scott Aukerman
Just Kate surgery. Okay, so it's the first one. Got it.
Spike Mink Samus
Will surgery.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Not Grace surgery.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Spike Mink Samus
Dharma surgery.
Scott Aukerman
Not Greg surgery. Boy, the great duos over the years name a more iconic duo. As my friends would say,
Ike Mink Samus
Jesus and God.
Spike Mink Samus
Iconic.
Scott Aukerman
You guys are very devout. We. We that came.
Ike Mink Samus
Very devout.
Spike Mink Samus
We love the Catholic Church.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
That's right. Now, how is your granddaughter doing?
Spike Mink Samus
Why don't you ask?
Ike Mink Samus
What are you doing?
Scott Aukerman
I just want to make sure. I mean, like you say, you're not going to be around.
Ike Mink Samus
My penis is holding a gun facing you.
Spike Mink Samus
My penis is looking around for a window.
Ike Mink Samus
Now, look, his penis loves natural light.
Spike Mink Samus
Maybe you don't hear so good. Stay away from our granddaughter. You don't ask about it. You don't think about her. You don't talk about her.
Scott Aukerman
Okay? I. I just. I'm more worried about you guys. Guys. Because like you said, you're elderly gentlemen. You're. You're. You know, I mean, every year you come in here, you're a little closer to death.
Spike Mink Samus
Show. Especially if you get a little closer to our granddaughter. Get close to our grandson.
Ike Mink Samus
You've got two things to do.
Scott Aukerman
Okay.
Ike Mink Samus
Don't get near our granddaughter.
Spike Mink Samus
Do get near our grandson. Done.
Scott Aukerman
Can I ask you a question? Do they live together?
Spike Mink Samus
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Yes. I don't know how this is gonna work, guys.
Spike Mink Samus
They have separate nap times.
Scott Aukerman
Okay?
Ike Mink Samus
When she's up, you're away. When he's up, you're there.
Scott Aukerman
But. But naps aren't half the day. Naps are, like two hours.
Spike Mink Samus
You don't have all day to get near our grandson. You have a tight window of time. And, brother, you better be there.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, you've been on the show for so many years, and it seems like your granddaughter must have done away with the naps at this point. I mean, she's got to be at least six.
Spike Mink Samus
Why are you asking about our granddaughter's age and nap schedule?
Scott Aukerman
Because you brought up the nap schedule, saying that's when I'm supposed to visit your grandson.
Ike Mink Samus
Why do we phase naps out? They should exist for everybody.
Scott Aukerman
I agree, but that's not the way the human body unfortunately works. And it seems to me like it's why.
Spike Mink Samus
Talking about human bodies, when we have a granddaughter and we do all of
Ike Mink Samus
our surgeries on one day, we know how to treat our bodies.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, you look great. You have those big asses. You gotta just too.
Ike Mink Samus
We thought you'd never said it took you long enough.
Spike Mink Samus
What was all that money for?
Ike Mink Samus
We were told we'd get immediate compliments.
Scott Aukerman
I just. I.
Spike Mink Samus
We looks maxing and you're taking forever to notice.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, I apologize for not notice maxing. I just. I feel like. I feel as if. Like I'm going to need a schedule or something from you guys. Could you text me a schedule?
Ike Mink Samus
I'm sliding a piece of paper over to you.
Scott Aukerman
This one just says one.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Spike Mink Samus
That's your schedule. Just better. Don't be better. Hop to it.
Scott Aukerman
1:00pm What?
Ike Mink Samus
I mean, just one.
Spike Mink Samus
What. What does that mean to you?
Scott Aukerman
It. It doesn't mean a lot to me. I mean, unless you better make it
Spike Mink Samus
mean something to you. Because if you go near our granddaughter
Scott Aukerman
and also, don't not go near your grandson.
Spike Mink Samus
Don't not go near our grandson.
Ike Mink Samus
And if you don't, you're gonna end up in a Chicago trinket.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, what? A Chicago trinket.
Spike Mink Samus
That's right.
Ike Mink Samus
They usually start with the same letter.
Scott Aukerman
Usually they don't.
Spike Mink Samus
Sometimes they don't.
Scott Aukerman
Usually they're. They're something that one wears. Not a piece of jewelry. I guess you wear jewelry, but.
Ike Mink Samus
Right.
Scott Aukerman
An article of clothing.
Spike Mink Samus
If you don't like it, you might end up in a Transylvania. How do you do?
Carolyn Parker
Okay,
Scott Aukerman
well, guys, I. I'll try to be accommodating to you. I just. I feel like it's a little.
Spike Mink Samus
Hey. Like Yoda said, do or do not. There is no try.
Scott Aukerman
Seems like you don't know this quote.
Ike Mink Samus
I never watch the movies. He watches.
Spike Mink Samus
He only watches the TV shows.
Scott Aukerman
So you. You take turns watching TV or do you have two? Tv.
Ike Mink Samus
I'm more of a TV guy level at the Golden Globes.
Scott Aukerman
You've been to the Golden Globes?
Spike Mink Samus
No.
Scott Aukerman
TV producers.
Ike Mink Samus
We want to be in the back of the room.
Spike Mink Samus
I want to be in the back of the room.
Scott Aukerman
In the room where it happens.
Spike Mink Samus
The Golden Globes.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, well, I'll try to be accommodating. It just. It's going to be a little difficult. Plus, I feel like your grandson is a tad too young really, to be receiving visitors. I mean, they're.
Spike Mink Samus
We don't get people to visit. We want people to kick the.
Ike Mink Samus
And do financial crimes on him.
Spike Mink Samus
Stealing financial embezzle from our grandson.
Scott Aukerman
Does he have any. Any assets?
Spike Mink Samus
He's independently wealthy.
Scott Aukerman
He. Wait, he is? How did this happen? Are you guys wealthy?
Carolyn Parker
And you.
Scott Aukerman
You passed on?
Ike Mink Samus
He did Polymark it in the womb.
Scott Aukerman
What did he bet on his own boy birth? Oh, brilliant.
Ike Mink Samus
Am I gonna be premature?
Scott Aukerman
I just. I don't know if I want to be beating up a little baby. It's. It's not really part of my image,
Spike Mink Samus
you know, you don't have a lot of choices here.
Scott Aukerman
That's true.
Ike Mink Samus
There's two things you need to do, okay? One, stay away from our granddaughter. To stay near our grandson and kick
Scott Aukerman
the out of it, though.
Spike Mink Samus
Exactly.
Ike Mink Samus
Right.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. I'm worried this is going to be bad for your grandson. Has anyone taken you up on this offer yet?
Spike Mink Samus
Do you have a grandson?
Scott Aukerman
I. Not yet.
Spike Mink Samus
Shut up. You don't get it.
Ike Mink Samus
We're preparing him for this hard world.
Spike Mink Samus
You're going to end up in a Paris.
Scott Aukerman
Huh?
Spike Mink Samus
Coffin.
Scott Aukerman
Your worst one yet.
Ike Mink Samus
That one was good.
Spike Mink Samus
If you don't. You think they don't have confidence in Paris? Think again.
Scott Aukerman
I guess.
Spike Mink Samus
They're beautiful. They're gorgeous.
Ike Mink Samus
Gorgeous.
Scott Aukerman
All right, guys, well, look, can you stick around? We have another guest coming up.
Spike Mink Samus
We're gonna stick around to make sure that you stay away from our granddaughter and stay near our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
The last one is going to be impossible for me to do while I'm hosting the show. Unless he's here with you. Did you bring him?
Ike Mink Samus
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
What?
Ike Mink Samus
Kick him.
Spike Mink Samus
Here he is.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's so cute.
Ike Mink Samus
Isn't he cute?
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my God. Can I.
Ike Mink Samus
Don't tell him that. Tell him he's ugly.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, he's. Look at him.
Spike Mink Samus
Hit him so hard you break his adult teeth.
Ike Mink Samus
He never had baby teeth.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, no, I don't. I can't. He's too. He's too precious.
Ike Mink Samus
Look at his big smile.
Scott Aukerman
Smile. No, I can't do anything.
Spike Mink Samus
This is mocking you.
Scott Aukerman
This is why when people say, like, I'm gonna go back in time and kill Hitler, they never would be able to do it. He's too cute.
Spike Mink Samus
We went back in time and killed him.
Scott Aukerman
You guys killed Hitler?
Ike Mink Samus
We should.
Spike Mink Samus
We're not here to talk about that.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, well, we are running out of time on this segment. We'd love to hear about that the next time you guys come in.
Ike Mink Samus
Okay, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Spike Mink Samus
We'll see.
Scott Aukerman
All right, well, here, take your grandson back. He can be in the corner of the room when we come back. Get out of here. When we come back, we're going to have a receptionist. What an incredible wet day episode this is. We'll be right back with more Spike and Ike. Mink salmon. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this.
Commercial Announcer
At Strayer University, we help students like you go from Is it possible? To Anything is possible by offering access to up to 10 no cost gen ed courses so you can reach your goals affordably and fast. Visit Strayer Edu to learn more. No cost Gen EDS provided by Strayer University affiliate sofia. Eligibility rules apply. Connect with us for details. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Shep and has many campuses including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia. OnDeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team or bridging cash flow gaps, Ondeck's loans up to $400,000 help make it happen fast. Rated A by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of five star Trustpilot reviews, OnDeck delivers funding you can count on. Apply in minutes@ondeck.com depending on certain loan attributes. Your business loan may be issued by Ondeck or Celtic Bank. Ondeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans an amount subject to lender approval. Busy work weeks can leave you feeling drained. Prolon's five day fasting mimicking diet rejuvenates you at the cellular level, lets you enjoy real food, and does not requ injection developed at USC's Longevity Institute. Prolon supports biological age reduction, metabolism, skin health and fat loss when combined with proper exercise and nutrition. Get 15% off plus a $40 bonus gift when you subscribe at prolonlife.com pandorapromo
Scott Aukerman
Comedy Bang Bang we're back. We have Spike and Ike mink salmon and they've been feeding the baby this entire time. And you, you attempted to breastfeed, which I thought was very.
Ike Mink Samus
Did you guys.
Spike Mink Samus
That surgery didn't take. Nope.
Ike Mink Samus
We can't make milk. We need our money back.
Scott Aukerman
I mean, you did get breast enhancements, I guess. They're. They're looking like double Ds.
Ike Mink Samus
We thought you'd never notice, but they don't.
Scott Aukerman
They don't lactate.
Spike Mink Samus
Not yet.
Scott Aukerman
Not yet. You could maybe like have a special effects person like Rick Baker or something.
Spike Mink Samus
We were told the Flash surgery would give us lactating breasts.
Ike Mink Samus
Sometimes it's a side effect of the
Spike Mink Samus
Flash, just like the Flash has.
Scott Aukerman
Really? Is that why his breasts are always wet in that costume?
Spike Mink Samus
That's why it's the least popular of the franchise. It's distracting and off putting.
Scott Aukerman
Well guys, we need to get to our next guest.
Carolyn Parker
I believe we have August had six. I have August 6th at 12pm I
Scott Aukerman
believe this is a returning guest.
Carolyn Parker
No, that's the. If you don't have time for that you don't have to have an attitude
Scott Aukerman
here on our Wet day episode.
Carolyn Parker
I can do an afternoon.
Scott Aukerman
Please welcome back to the show Carolyn
Carolyn Parker
Parker at 3:00pm 3:00pm Carolyn. That's fine. By the way. And say Hi to Martha.
Scott Aukerman
Ms. Parker.
Carolyn Parker
Say hi to Martha.
Scott Aukerman
I said Ms. Parker.
Carolyn Parker
Oh, she is. That's fine.
Scott Aukerman
Hi Ms. That's fine.
Carolyn Parker
Tell her I said hi. And I loved her birthday party.
Scott Aukerman
Ms. Parker.
Carolyn Parker
Goodbye.
Scott Aukerman
Over here.
Carolyn Parker
Hello.
Scott Aukerman
Hi.
Carolyn Parker
Hi. How are you?
Scott Aukerman
Hi Ms. Parker. Welcome back to the show.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah. Thanks for having me. This is really nice. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Do you remember the Salmon brothers?
Carolyn Parker
Of course. Hey Too. How you.
Spike Mink Samus
Good day. Hello.
Scott Aukerman
Oh my God.
Spike Mink Samus
Stay away from our granddaughter.
Paul F. Tompkins
But.
Spike Mink Samus
But stay near our grandson.
Carolyn Parker
Well that sounds like a deal.
Ike Mink Samus
Good.
Spike Mink Samus
See how easy it is?
Scott Aukerman
It can't be that easy.
Spike Mink Samus
You make a big production out of it. Carolyn gets it right away.
Carolyn Parker
Beautiful asses.
Spike Mink Samus
Thank you.
Ike Mink Samus
Thank you.
Scott Aukerman
Very beautiful. And how about them titties?
Carolyn Parker
As always? Mine, you mean?
Scott Aukerman
Oh no. I mean thank you.
Carolyn Parker
You noticed that? No, I did have them. I didn't have them enlarged. I had them pushed in.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. You got the push in surgery. It's a rearrangement.
Spike Mink Samus
Are you wearing a push in bra?
Carolyn Parker
No. I don't have to even worry about bras anymore. Isn't that something?
Spike Mink Samus
Wow. After the surgery we need all the support we can get that my back is killing me.
Ike Mink Samus
We're new to this.
Scott Aukerman
This has only been a couple hours. Guys.
Carolyn Parker
Is this your son right here?
Spike Mink Samus
Grandson.
Carolyn Parker
Your grandson.
Scott Aukerman
Wait, this isn't your granddaughter, is it?
Ike Mink Samus
No.
Spike Mink Samus
Stay away from our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
And you're sure this is a grandson? By the way? If I were to check down downstairs, I'd be happy.
Spike Mink Samus
I don't want to say that.
Ike Mink Samus
Go ahead.
Scott Aukerman
I'm just saying you're the type of
Spike Mink Samus
guys who would like to run around
Scott Aukerman
who would not be the type to check.
Spike Mink Samus
We rode from town to town telling people to stay away from our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. So you try to hit every town every. Every. Every year. Is that Do I only see you
Spike Mink Samus
once Every town every year.
Ike Mink Samus
We have to go. We've already been here for way longer than we should.
Carolyn Parker
Take them and there throw them right. Right into the dirt.
Ike Mink Samus
Good.
Spike Mink Samus
Thank you.
Ike Mink Samus
Thank you.
Carolyn Parker
You're welcome. No. So. Carolyn.
Scott Aukerman
Carolyn Parker. Welcome back to the show. You're a receptionist.
Carolyn Parker
I'm a receptionist.
Scott Aukerman
Where exactly are you a receptionist?
Carolyn Parker
Feature entombs. Feature entombs. Dental surgery and spa. Oh, we did expand into the back.
Scott Aukerman
Oh wow. Okay.
Spike Mink Samus
Just a dental spa.
Carolyn Parker
Like, well, it's a. It's a regular spa, but it's also a dental spa. So you can like dip your teeth. You can have them into the pool. You can have. There's little. There's pool. There's a. An area where one of your teeth
Ike Mink Samus
has a little towel on.
Carolyn Parker
It's a robe. We give.
Scott Aukerman
You can get little robes, complimentary ropes for your teeth.
Carolyn Parker
Complimentary. Well, you pay for the full service.
Spike Mink Samus
90s wearing a thong, basically. Suit.
Scott Aukerman
Wearing a Manchester.
Ike Mink Samus
It's a Manchester.
Carolyn Parker
You notice that? No. So we did. We did expand. We're doing well. I'm Dr. Tombs. Wanted to send his regards.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, well, yeah, that's great. We. We heard him on the phone, I believe.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, yeah, he sent. He's giving out coupons. I give you each a coupon for a little tooth dunk.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Spike Mink Samus
Good. For one tooth dunk.
Carolyn Parker
Just one tooth. It is just a starter dungeon dunk.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. And so if we want to dip the rest of our teeth into.
Spike Mink Samus
What's the difference between a starter dunk and a full fledged tooth dunk?
Carolyn Parker
Well, for a starter dunk is 12 minutes, and that's in the. It's in luke. Lukewarm water.
Spike Mink Samus
That's a long dunk, Luke.
Ike Mink Samus
You know what a dunk is?
Carolyn Parker
A 12 minute lukewarm saltwater dunk.
Spike Mink Samus
If you were baptizing someone and you dunked them for 12 minutes, they're gonna be straight to heaven.
Carolyn Parker
That's true. But a full dunk. A full dunk can last all day. You have full access to our dunk, our tooth dunking area.
Spike Mink Samus
Keeping your teeth in lukewarm salt water all day long.
Carolyn Parker
You'd be shocked at what it can do for you.
Scott Aukerman
What can it do?
Carolyn Parker
Well, it can.
Scott Aukerman
I'd like to be shocked.
Carolyn Parker
It can help.
Spike Mink Samus
What that dunk do?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, what that dunk do.
Carolyn Parker
We've seen people get bigger teeth, teeth from dunking them.
Scott Aukerman
Is that good to have bigger?
Carolyn Parker
We've seen people lose the tooth altogether, which means it was on its way out anyway.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. I mean, I imagine some people don't want bigger teeth like a Jerry Seinfeld
Spike Mink Samus
or, you know, how does the tooth that's on its way out go away?
Carolyn Parker
It's eroded by. Well, because we have salt water, we also have different types of tide.
Ike Mink Samus
Like they're tied. A tide going in and out in the salt water.
Carolyn Parker
Right. So depending on the time of day, you'll have different levels of water in the dungeon.
Spike Mink Samus
No matter how much salt water you have, there's always a tide that's what
Carolyn Parker
they say, don't they?
Spike Mink Samus
Whether it's an ocean or a glass. Stay away from our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
That's right.
Spike Mink Samus
Stay near our grandson.
Scott Aukerman
Is it one of those fake tide things, like at Raging Waters, you know, or. It's like.
Carolyn Parker
It's not. No, it's a real tide. It's a real tide. It's a real tide. Yeah. So you can. But you can spend all day there. You can do other things. We have other services.
Scott Aukerman
Can you get, like, what would be the tooth equivalent of a manicure or a pedicure?
Carolyn Parker
A little station where you can have more.
Ike Mink Samus
That's enough.
Scott Aukerman
That's all we need to hear. A little station.
Carolyn Parker
It's a little station.
Scott Aukerman
You just go over there and say no more again.
Ike Mink Samus
Do not go into what you do.
Scott Aukerman
There.
Carolyn Parker
That's it. You can read it in the pamphlets. But I'm excited. What do you. I. I don't know how you guys feel, but. What? This has been a real year of change.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, I. I mean, I guess so. What. What's been going on with you?
Carolyn Parker
Wait, what do you guess? Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Well, I. I mean, I don't know what's happening in your. Your personal life, I would imagine, is what you're talking about, or.
Carolyn Parker
No, Dr. Toomes and I still are seeing each other, if that's what you're asking.
Scott Aukerman
I. I wasn't, but I. I'm not surprised.
Carolyn Parker
Well, it's the way he was speaking
Scott Aukerman
to you on our last episode.
Carolyn Parker
Yes, he is. He has. We found out through therapy he has a bit of a fetish for older women.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. So you're older than Dr. Dr. Tombs.
Carolyn Parker
I'm 75 years young.
Scott Aukerman
Right. And he's.
Carolyn Parker
He's 44.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. I mean, that's a bit of a difference. That's.
Carolyn Parker
It's enough of a difference. But he.
Scott Aukerman
That's part of the reason, Raquel. Style difference.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Carolyn Parker
But I do have. I've gotten my soldiers.
Spike Mink Samus
May, December, or a granddaughter. Grandson.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, that's pretty much what it is.
Scott Aukerman
Is that the name of your granddaughter and grandson? May and December.
Spike Mink Samus
Stay away from our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
December.
Carolyn Parker
How is your tooth health?
Scott Aukerman
I think it's good. I. I go a couple times a year. I think I'm all. All taken care of in that regard. And your breath, I mean, you know, it dips in and out during the day, depending on what's going on.
Carolyn Parker
What would you say is the worst time of day where you always breathe the grossest?
Spike Mink Samus
We breathe all day long.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Probably. Anchovy hour, 3:00pm oh, yeah.
Carolyn Parker
It's a dangerous time. That's a dangerous time. You like the anchovies? Well, we do have a. We do have a product as well, a tongue. A tongue rip.
Scott Aukerman
What's a tongue? Meaning a rip out the tongue.
Carolyn Parker
No, no, no, no. It's a. It's a device that goes around your whole tongue from the rip.
Scott Aukerman
You mean like your tongue will be dead after it?
Carolyn Parker
We, for marketing reasons, we spell it rip.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Carolyn Parker
And it will rip from the back of the tongue all the bacteria off your tongue. And then we have. Right next to that is a group of young kids who will take what's ripped off and. And play with it and make it into.
Spike Mink Samus
How close are they when you say they're right next to it?
Carolyn Parker
They're literally at a picnic table next to.
Scott Aukerman
And is their granddaughter one of these kids?
Carolyn Parker
I don't know.
Spike Mink Samus
Where are we in space?
Carolyn Parker
Where on Earth?
Spike Mink Samus
Well, I mean, where on Earth?
Carolyn Parker
Earth? Oh, we're. We're outside. We're outside at a picnic area.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, now go a little more micro cement.
Ike Mink Samus
Fix tables.
Carolyn Parker
There's cement fixed tables. Have you been here?
Ike Mink Samus
Well, I know these picnic areas. The kids will be rearrange stuff. There will be a picnic to the ground.
Scott Aukerman
I do always want. Just to make the ambiance better.
Ike Mink Samus
Yeah. I want to gather the group together closer.
Scott Aukerman
Like anyone who's there at a rest area, you're like, hey, guys, come on, bring it in. Hey, guys, bring it in.
Spike Mink Samus
Let's bring it it in. Make it seem like a real crowd.
Ike Mink Samus
Everybody who's sitting in the back, come down here to the beginning.
Spike Mink Samus
I mean, the beginning.
Carolyn Parker
The beginning of the beginning.
Ike Mink Samus
The beginning is the closest part to me.
Scott Aukerman
You know, when you go to a doctor and you go to the beginning and you're waiting around and waiting around till the beginning.
Ike Mink Samus
The beginning office was always terrible for me.
Spike Mink Samus
Yeah.
Carolyn Parker
We have done some upgrades to our beginning.
Scott Aukerman
Really? What's going on there?
Carolyn Parker
We used to have at Tombs. And what is Beer and Tombs? Beach and Tombs Dental office.
Scott Aukerman
And who are you with again? Who's your. Is it beer or tomb?
Carolyn Parker
Dr. Tombs.
Scott Aukerman
Dr. Tombs.
Carolyn Parker
Well, we're not supposed to talk about it.
Scott Aukerman
Where's Beecher?
Carolyn Parker
Beecher's working.
Scott Aukerman
Beach is working. Beecher doesn't have a relationship or Beecher is with someone else.
Carolyn Parker
Or Beecher is married.
Scott Aukerman
Married.
Carolyn Parker
Married with a. A family.
Spike Mink Samus
And do you also receive for Beacher?
Carolyn Parker
I have received from. If that's what you're. Are you saying. Have I.
Spike Mink Samus
You're a receptionist.
Carolyn Parker
Oh, I.
Scott Aukerman
Sorry, what were you Talking about.
Ike Mink Samus
Were you talking about oral received?
Carolyn Parker
I was talking about. I'm sorry, I'm.
Scott Aukerman
I'm.
Carolyn Parker
I. I'm too old for this.
Scott Aukerman
Features down on you will occasionally go
Carolyn Parker
down on me as part of my job. I'm a part of your job?
Spike Mink Samus
Is it part of your job?
Carolyn Parker
It's part of my job. Of course it is. Because I. If you don't. If you have a dentist who is all, you know, full of anxiety, it's not going to be a great.
Scott Aukerman
Got to relax people there.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah. So we're once. Once or twice a day. I'll go down on twice a day and he'll. And three or four times a day, he'll go down on me.
Scott Aukerman
Oh my God. That.
Ike Mink Samus
I mean, that's most of the day.
Scott Aukerman
Those are, by the way, some good ratios if you're a guy.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, but that's not the point. I'm seeing Dr. Toomes. I'll. Dr. Beecher will go down on me
Scott Aukerman
advice several times a day. Right? Yeah.
Ike Mink Samus
Oh, my God.
Scott Aukerman
But what have you done to the beginning?
Carolyn Parker
The beginning. We used to have big trouble in
Scott Aukerman
Little China loop on the TV screens or. Okay, got it.
Carolyn Parker
We've changed that.
Spike Mink Samus
What? 365 days a year.
Ike Mink Samus
It's both wild wings. So many TVs.
Carolyn Parker
Never stops.
Scott Aukerman
Does that. Does that movie. Does it hold up in terms of today's climate? Could you switch it out these days like Blazing Saddles?
Carolyn Parker
We. No, we switched it out. I'm not h. The new. What is that movie with Robert Dairo?
Scott Aukerman
You're gonna have to be a little more specific. I believe he's more broad now.
Ike Mink Samus
Either get more specific or more.
Spike Mink Samus
The Intern.
Carolyn Parker
What is that movie? It's Intern
Ike Mink Samus
Meet the Fuck.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
How did you get the intern so quickly? Mike or Ike?
Ike Mink Samus
Yeah, that's right.
Spike Mink Samus
It's our favorite movie.
Ike Mink Samus
Really? We love it.
Scott Aukerman
But you don't like movies.
Ike Mink Samus
I like to space it out in 30 minute increments and it's like a TV show.
Scott Aukerman
Does there. Is there a natural cliffhanger every 30 minutes?
Ike Mink Samus
Movies rarely work out like that.
Spike Mink Samus
Sometimes it's mid sentence and he'll say weird ending to that episode. Can't wait to see how the result is.
Ike Mink Samus
Can't wait to wait seven days and watch it again.
Spike Mink Samus
He doesn't do it binge style.
Ike Mink Samus
I will not binge a movie in 30 minute increments.
Scott Aukerman
Got it. So you have the intern now playing. That's one of the big trouble in Little China.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, I'm not. I'm. I miss Kurt Russell Seeing him every day, it's not the same.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah. Could you pick another Kurt Russell movie instead of Robert De Niro? I mean, they're both, like, pretty old.
Carolyn Parker
If you'd like to ask, I'm happy to ask.
Scott Aukerman
How should I run this up the flagpole?
Carolyn Parker
Let me. Can you call Dr. Toomes?
Scott Aukerman
You're gonna call Dr. Toomes? Okay. We heard from Dr. Toomes last episode.
Carolyn Parker
I can ask him. And you're asking specifically.
Ike Mink Samus
And Dr. Beecher just. Snick. Snuck out of here. Was in underneath.
Spike Mink Samus
Crawl out from under the table.
Scott Aukerman
Hey, girly.
Carolyn Parker
Hi. Hi, Dr. Tombs. It's girly. Hey.
Spike Mink Samus
You fully embrace girly as a name?
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, of course I will. Of course. By the way, Dr. Beecher calls me girly, too.
Ike Mink Samus
Oh, okay. Oh, my God.
Spike Mink Samus
What a scandal.
Ike Mink Samus
You don't love that?
Scott Aukerman
You don't like that?
Spike Mink Samus
Love that.
Carolyn Parker
I have to make him a little jealous sometimes or he doesn't pay attention to me. Hey, they were asking about, you know, how we switched out Big Trouble in Little China for the. For the. For the intern in the looping. The looping station.
Scott Aukerman
There's a whole looping station?
Ike Mink Samus
It's not a tv, it's a looping station.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, the looping station was playing Big Trouble.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah. And now it's. Now it's Robert De Niro in the instrument turn. The question was, could we possibly switch it out? Did you have a specific request?
Scott Aukerman
Well, I mean, something recent from. From Kurt Russell. You know, like the Christmas clause or whatever his. Would we.
Carolyn Parker
Would we ever consider switching that for some? Going back to Kurt Russell, but something more modern.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, like the monster show.
Spike Mink Samus
Monarch. Legacy of monsters. All right.
Scott Aukerman
No one needs that.
Ike Mink Samus
The monster show.
Carolyn Parker
Wait, no. We could. For Monarch? Is that what you're talking about?
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't know.
Scott Aukerman
What does that show with the monsters that he's doing?
Carolyn Parker
Are you having some attitude features?
Spike Mink Samus
Both Kurt Russell and Wyatt Russell?
Scott Aukerman
You know, I want. I want whatever people are gonna like. So if we're gonna go with modern Kurt Russell, then why don't we just write him something and pitch him something? This is a great, great idea.
Carolyn Parker
Okay?
Scott Aukerman
And it could be dentist themed.
Carolyn Parker
Will you set up a meeting with him?
Spike Mink Samus
Tell him I'll do my best.
Scott Aukerman
Girl, you know I'll do anything for you.
Carolyn Parker
Oh, thank you.
Ike Mink Samus
It just has to have teeth.
Carolyn Parker
All right. Thank you for. Thank you. Get back to work.
Spike Mink Samus
Tell him not to have his teeth.
Carolyn Parker
Oh, what's the. What's the soup of the day?
Scott Aukerman
You guys serve soup?
Carolyn Parker
Well, we do a soup of the day.
Scott Aukerman
What do you mean what's meaning people eat there.
Spike Mink Samus
Why would you have.
Scott Aukerman
Is the soup.
Ike Mink Samus
Is it tooth dunk soup?
Spike Mink Samus
Is it Italian wedding tooth dunk soup?
Carolyn Parker
I gotta find out.
Scott Aukerman
You.
Carolyn Parker
I gotta find out what? That's. No. We do a different soup every day and Dr. Tomb chews.
Scott Aukerman
That's what we're asking about. What do you mean when you say
Spike Mink Samus
we do a different soup or.
Carolyn Parker
You hung up just before I asked. What is the soup of the day out in the reception area.
Scott Aukerman
It smells like cheddar broccoli. But I don't know.
Ike Mink Samus
That could be minestrone.
Carolyn Parker
Take a taste.
Scott Aukerman
All right, you want me to go down?
Carolyn Parker
Open the tin lid, please. So every day Dr. Tomb chooses a different soup just to give the patient something.
Scott Aukerman
He chose it. Why does he have to guess?
Spike Mink Samus
Why are people eating.
Carolyn Parker
Chose this soup doctor too.
Scott Aukerman
That doesn't always mean that what I chose ends up in the carafe. That's a good point.
Carolyn Parker
How many crafts do we have today?
Scott Aukerman
I ordered four, but I walked in and I saw one. So either someone's stealing grass of cheddar brock or I don't know what's going on.
Carolyn Parker
So it is cheddar broccoli.
Scott Aukerman
Well again, girly, that's what I ordered, you know, as many times as I do.
Carolyn Parker
Well, taste it, Dr. Toomes. Taste it.
Scott Aukerman
I've got my hands halfway down someone's throat here, girly.
Ike Mink Samus
Too far.
Scott Aukerman
Too cheap.
Paul F. Tompkins
Too deep.
Carolyn Parker
Well, call me back when you find out.
Spike Mink Samus
Now you're into throating?
Scott Aukerman
Wow.
Carolyn Parker
That's right. You can tell our relationship has become a little more open and honest as ones do.
Scott Aukerman
Have you been going to therapy in order to get to this?
Carolyn Parker
We've done some. Some therapy which has helped in some ways, but it's gotten us to the point where I'm not sure we can work together anymore.
Scott Aukerman
Well, I mean a lot of times that's bad for a business to. To be in a relationship with two of the people who work there.
Carolyn Parker
A lot of times it can be. Yeah. We've had. We've had fights. We've had full on wrestling matches.
Scott Aukerman
We've full on meaning like two to. Till people are pinned three times.
Spike Mink Samus
Like with a referee.
Carolyn Parker
With a referee. We have full on wrestling matches. Not like fake wrestling, but real.
Scott Aukerman
Have a big cauliflower ear right now.
Carolyn Parker
Yes, that's that.
Scott Aukerman
He.
Carolyn Parker
He usually wins. But again, I'm 75 years old.
Spike Mink Samus
It's a cauliflower year. But it smells like broccoli cheddar.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, I. I do get. I'll be honest with you guys, I do get excited about the soup. That's one of the things this year that has been really nice to not have to worry about lunch because he puts out little bread with it. Little bread. Little tiny bread.
Spike Mink Samus
Little bread. Little.
Ike Mink Samus
Are you talking about little crackers?
Carolyn Parker
Oh, yeah. Little hard. Little hard bread.
Scott Aukerman
So crack. Crackers.
Carolyn Parker
Well, but they're little. Littler than crackers.
Scott Aukerman
Wait, crackers. Are they crumbs?
Ike Mink Samus
Does he put out crumbs?
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, that's.
Scott Aukerman
It sounds like he's not putting them out. It sounds like people are just not cleaning up this. The soup.
Spike Mink Samus
So there's.
Ike Mink Samus
Yeah, maybe you have been eating what people leave behind that's supposed to be
Spike Mink Samus
wiped off carafes of soup and somehow people are leaving behind. Little cracker crowd.
Carolyn Parker
I don't know where they come from because we don't order them.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, no. Okay.
Carolyn Parker
We don't order them.
Ike Mink Samus
BYO crackers.
Spike Mink Samus
And they.
Carolyn Parker
There is a sign that says that. But I've never understood.
Ike Mink Samus
Bring your own crack.
Spike Mink Samus
It seems very clear to me.
Carolyn Parker
And we have a small little. What is it? A place to get drinks. A drink station, which people love.
Spike Mink Samus
A water fountain.
Ike Mink Samus
Is it a water fountain? Is there more? Is it like a thing at the movies where you can choose.
Spike Mink Samus
Can you make suicide?
Carolyn Parker
It's the generic version of the thing at movie theaters.
Ike Mink Samus
Further down. Further down rc.
Carolyn Parker
Further down.
Scott Aukerman
Is it. By the way, is it the fluoride drink that you drink when you.
Carolyn Parker
It has a fluoride option, but that's very expensive. It's further down.
Ike Mink Samus
Further down than RC.
Carolyn Parker
Further down than RC.
Spike Mink Samus
Does it have a madeup Dr. Pepper name like Professor Snapdragon?
Carolyn Parker
Yes, it does. It's not Dr. Pepper. It's Prince. Prince spicers.
Scott Aukerman
DDS. Prince spicers.
Carolyn Parker
And it does not taste like Dr. Pepper.
Ike Mink Samus
What does it have instead of Mountain Dew? All right, three, two, one.
Carolyn Parker
Hill Wet.
Scott Aukerman
Perfect for wet day. I gotta say, a great wet day. Drink.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, that's right.
Scott Aukerman
Hill Wet. Yeah, A. A carton of that.
Carolyn Parker
Can you guess?
Scott Aukerman
Can you.
Ike Mink Samus
Wetter than do we have.
Carolyn Parker
Can you guess what we have instead of A and W? Root beer.
Ike Mink Samus
Can I be an X?
Spike Mink Samus
Who you address?
Carolyn Parker
Ask your penis.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, yeah, your penis is AI.
Ike Mink Samus
Hold on one second.
Scott Aukerman
Give it the right prompt. Give it the right prompt.
Ike Mink Samus
Okay. Penis plus A and W. Root beer. Okay.
Spike Mink Samus
Why is penis part of the search?
Scott Aukerman
Penis plus A beer. It comes up.
Carolyn Parker
It's a.
Ike Mink Samus
It says
Spike Mink Samus
Dick.
Scott Aukerman
That's it.
Ike Mink Samus
Dick Pilsner. It just said Dick Pilsner.
Carolyn Parker
That's it.
Scott Aukerman
That's what we have.
Carolyn Parker
That's what we have. But the people love it because sometimes it's fun to. As long as you don't take your time drinking it, the fizz stays. Do you know how that works?
Scott Aukerman
Aren't these sugary drinks bad for your teeth health? I mean, it's.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, that's what. Why the. That's why the dentist puts it in there.
Scott Aukerman
Oh. To try to. For the customers.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, it rots. It rot. So by the way, so does the tooth dunk.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, really?
Carolyn Parker
It does not help the teeth.
Ike Mink Samus
Whoa.
Carolyn Parker
Everything in the spa is designed to push people to the dentistry. And everything at the dentistry is designed to push people to the spa.
Scott Aukerman
How is everything in the dentistry designed to push people to the spa?
Carolyn Parker
For specifics, if you have a cabin cavity as you're getting your cavity filled, will say, like, my God, your. The hair all over your pubic region and back is distracting.
Spike Mink Samus
Opposite of what he asked.
Carolyn Parker
What did he ask?
Spike Mink Samus
How do you push people from the spa?
Scott Aukerman
No, no, no. I did ask from the. From the dentistry to the spa.
Spike Mink Samus
That seems easier than the other way.
Carolyn Parker
Oh, well, I just told you that the tooth dunk erodes the teeth, will erode the teeth, which pushes you to
Spike Mink Samus
back to the dentist. And when they go to the dentist, you say you're pubic area looks atrocious.
Carolyn Parker
That's one example. And it works. What would you. Would you get, by the way? Would you get your. All your back hair removed if you were at the dentist?
Spike Mink Samus
Stay away from our backhand.
Scott Aukerman
Wait a minute. You guys don't want anyone coming near that either.
Carolyn Parker
Do you guys have a lot of back hair?
Spike Mink Samus
Hey, hey, we got hair all over. The only hair we care about that's sacred us is our back hair.
Scott Aukerman
You can do anything. Anything you want to. Any other.
Ike Mink Samus
Other part of your head, you tell me. Look at this shave job.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my God. Every.
Ike Mink Samus
Everybody has had their way with our front.
Scott Aukerman
That's like a design in your. In your frontal pubes.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right. Superman.
Scott Aukerman
So that's supposed to be Superman.
Spike Mink Samus
And I have Peter Pan from the peanut butter label.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. I mean, that's the regular Peter. Peter Pan, isn't it?
Spike Mink Samus
I mean, but he's holding a jar of peanut butter.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, oh, okay, okay.
Carolyn Parker
That's the one.
Spike Mink Samus
And then on the jar, there's a little label where littler Peter Pan is holding a little jaw Peter Butter.
Scott Aukerman
And it just goes in.
Spike Mink Samus
You lose your mind.
Carolyn Parker
I want to give you guys each a coupon.
Ike Mink Samus
And do you have room for our grandson? Give him the works.
Carolyn Parker
You Want his hair removed and I
Ike Mink Samus
want his teeth rotted.
Spike Mink Samus
Yeah, go into his skull.
Scott Aukerman
Do you have any appointment teeth that
Spike Mink Samus
haven't come down yet?
Scott Aukerman
Rodham, do you have any appointments available or.
Carolyn Parker
Hold on, I'm getting a call. Hello?
Scott Aukerman
Well, there's no soup down there at all anymore.
Carolyn Parker
Oh no. What happened?
Scott Aukerman
I don't know. Someone's taking all these crafts. I mean, we're also paying when we don't return the crafts.
Carolyn Parker
There's a deposit fee there.
Spike Mink Samus
Could you ask him what he means by craft?
Carolyn Parker
What do you mean by carafe? Like a wine craft? Yeah, that's getting souping more of a drink.
Ike Mink Samus
A poor stuff.
Carolyn Parker
That's why it's not staying hot. Dr. Tim, it's good to put on. Can we work on.
Scott Aukerman
Put it in urns or something like.
Carolyn Parker
Are we able to fit in a baby for the full works next week?
Scott Aukerman
Yeah.
Ike Mink Samus
Tooth dunk into.
Carolyn Parker
We need to give him a tooth dunk. We need to get all his hair removed. And then are we doing anything else?
Ike Mink Samus
Was.
Scott Aukerman
What are we doing to a baby?
Carolyn Parker
Do you want a tooth dunking, Dr. Tombs? I said the worst. The works.
Ike Mink Samus
Everything hands down throat.
Carolyn Parker
Tooth dun on all teeth.
Scott Aukerman
Apple bottom jeans.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, we can do that.
Scott Aukerman
We got openings this week if you got a baby ready.
Spike Mink Samus
Well, I'll.
Carolyn Parker
I'll be the. Oh, what's the soup tomorrow?
Spike Mink Samus
Oh, bisque.
Ike Mink Samus
Bisque.
Scott Aukerman
Just bisque.
Ike Mink Samus
Just.
Carolyn Parker
He hates flavored bisque. He just gets the milk.
Scott Aukerman
Just bisque.
Spike Mink Samus
Just the texture.
Carolyn Parker
Just a.
Paul F. Tompkins
Just a hot bisque.
Carolyn Parker
Okay, tell them. Tell Dr. Beecher to give me a call when he has a second girly.
Scott Aukerman
I'm not.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay.
Spike Mink Samus
You hung up.
Scott Aukerman
Wow. So there's. There's some jealousy there.
Carolyn Parker
There's a little bit of a will. They won't.
Scott Aukerman
They obviously have. And you and Beecher do several times a day as well.
Carolyn Parker
Well, you know, he. If he wanted it, he'd put a ring on it. And until he does, Dr. Beer gets to suck away.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay.
Spike Mink Samus
Marriage is an archaic institution.
Scott Aukerman
Do you really believe that?
Spike Mink Samus
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
Are you guys married at all? We've never talked about your personal lives. No, you're not. Okay. So there's no wife to stay away from.
Spike Mink Samus
We try to get married to each other. They said. That's not a loud.
Scott Aukerman
Yeah, yeah. I mean, hopefully they'll change the laws on that someday. You know, it's a slippery slope.
Ike Mink Samus
It is.
Spike Mink Samus
Twin brothers who are both grandfathers cannot marry each other.
Scott Aukerman
I don't know that the grandfather's part of it has entered the equation. But the Twin brothers is an issue.
Spike Mink Samus
We are grandfathers.
Scott Aukerman
You are grandfathers.
Spike Mink Samus
Stay away from our granddaughter.
Ike Mink Samus
Stay near grandson.
Carolyn Parker
Wait, you did have. You did have wives earlier.
Ike Mink Samus
Yes.
Scott Aukerman
I would imagine that's how the granddaughters and sons all came about.
Spike Mink Samus
Because you don't mention our granddaughter.
Ike Mink Samus
Don't hypothetically think of her being born or her lineage.
Spike Mink Samus
Don't imagine the platonic ideal of a granddaughter. In case you stumbled upon our granddaughter,
Ike Mink Samus
you might accidentally pick picture. Our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
I apologize. But you were married. Or at least one of you was married. I guess you.
Spike Mink Samus
At least one of us was married.
Scott Aukerman
And you share a granddaughter.
Spike Mink Samus
We share grandchildren. One of whom you cannot get near. One of whom you absolutely should.
Scott Aukerman
So are you unsure of who the. The father is? Have you ever done DNA testing?
Ike Mink Samus
This Maury
Spike Mink Samus
not gonna dance for you.
Ike Mink Samus
You better not follow us to the street with that camera.
Carolyn Parker
How does she get her dental work done? Or her checkups on her teeth?
Spike Mink Samus
Are you asking about her granddaughter?
Carolyn Parker
I. I'm just. I'm not. I'm not thinking about her or. I'm just kidding.
Spike Mink Samus
Away from our grand.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my God.
Paul F. Tompkins
I think the flash.
Scott Aukerman
The flash operation is reversing.
Ike Mink Samus
Oh, I'm lactating.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, my God. Their reverse flash is like an eobard thaw or something. Oh, my God. All of the surgeries are rehearsing. Their butts are getting smaller, their boobs are getting smaller. Their heads are no longer swivel. Are you guys all right?
Ike Mink Samus
It was trial. All this trial.
Spike Mink Samus
We got a deal because they were all trial surgery and they only lasted
Scott Aukerman
a couple of hours.
Spike Mink Samus
That's right.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Do you think you'll go back and get the real ones?
Spike Mink Samus
No,
Carolyn Parker
I think you look better like you are now.
Spike Mink Samus
Thank you.
Scott Aukerman
All natural.
Carolyn Parker
Yeah. Yeah. The ass, the tits. It didn't look right.
Ike Mink Samus
It wasn't right.
Spike Mink Samus
We had to try it.
Carolyn Parker
Sometimes you have to try things to know they're not right. Isn't that true?
Spike Mink Samus
That's right, girly.
Ike Mink Samus
Hey, girly, you damn right.
Scott Aukerman
Did you find a time for their grandson, by the way?
Carolyn Parker
No, I didn't.
Scott Aukerman
Can you get him in today?
Carolyn Parker
Let me just try one last time, see if I can get him in today, okay? Because he said next week, and I said I'd have to look at my book. I didn't bring my book with me.
Ike Mink Samus
Anything.
Spike Mink Samus
He needs his ass.
Carolyn Parker
Hey, listen, can we get the baby in for the full service today?
Scott Aukerman
If you can get me a baby over here.
Ike Mink Samus
Yeah, I'll get it done.
Scott Aukerman
Well, I'm not gonna any baby A specific baby.
Carolyn Parker
Once again, can I. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed today because you have a little bit of an attitude with me?
Scott Aukerman
I don't know. Why don't you ask Dr. Beecher?
Carolyn Parker
Oh, you. Oh, why don't I. Can you put of mine?
Paul F. Tompkins
I cannot because we are not in
Scott Aukerman
the same building right now.
Carolyn Parker
In here.
Ike Mink Samus
Underneath.
Scott Aukerman
They're not in the same building. Why are you not in the same building?
Carolyn Parker
In the same building.
Scott Aukerman
He had a coupon that was expiring that he wanted to go get a sandwich with you.
Paul F. Tompkins
He told you about this?
Carolyn Parker
That's, by the way, old.
Ike Mink Samus
That's coupon.
Carolyn Parker
That's code, if you know what I'm saying.
Spike Mink Samus
For what?
Carolyn Parker
That's code for me. I'm the sandwich, you're the exp.
Spike Mink Samus
How is the expired code?
Carolyn Parker
I'll text him and say, hey, a coupon's ready for that sandwich, but it expired.
Scott Aukerman
Are you guys meeting in a hotel to do this? I thought this all happened at the office.
Carolyn Parker
Are you catching this?
Ike Mink Samus
Is it sandwich? Most of your hookups are sand.
Scott Aukerman
I don't want to be catching it, but, yeah, I hear almost everything.
Carolyn Parker
Okay, well, put a ring on it.
Ike Mink Samus
Oh, hang down on one.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, you hung up on him.
Spike Mink Samus
It almost seemed like he was about to.
Ike Mink Samus
He was about to do the most
Spike Mink Samus
romantic thing ever now over the phone.
Carolyn Parker
It's too late. I do have to meet Dr. Beecher at holiday Inn Express.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, cool.
Carolyn Parker
Which. Which, by the way, best cinnamon rolls.
Ike Mink Samus
I've heard this.
Scott Aukerman
Do they have the pants?
Spike Mink Samus
Finished your thought?
Carolyn Parker
Yeah, that was it.
Spike Mink Samus
Best cinnamon rolls. Yeah.
Scott Aukerman
Holiday Inn Express of all time?
Spike Mink Samus
At best of anywhere on earth.
Carolyn Parker
Yes. No, I'm.
Scott Aukerman
It's even better than the beginning of your office.
Carolyn Parker
No, we don't have cinnamon rolls. We do have cinnamon grubs.
Spike Mink Samus
Hard cinnamon crumbs, which are great.
Carolyn Parker
Which are good.
Spike Mink Samus
Spa. Can you take the cinnamon challenge?
Carolyn Parker
You can. You can take a cinnamon challenge. 1.
Scott Aukerman
What is that one?
Carolyn Parker
One minute with a side of the does stuff. Do you. Is that when you eat a spoonful of cinnamon? Yeah.
Spike Mink Samus
Sugar. That's the cinnamon challenge.
Ike Mink Samus
You have to be looking at some cinnamon in the little thing or be named cinnamon.
Spike Mink Samus
Oh, that's why a lot of horses do it.
Scott Aukerman
We've been doing it.
Carolyn Parker
We've been doing it wrong.
Scott Aukerman
Well, guys, we're. We're running out of time, unfortunately, on this very special Wet day episode, plenty
Spike Mink Samus
of time to stay away from our granddaughter.
Scott Aukerman
All right, we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, A little something called plugs. All kinds of plugs parade the floor. Big, small, bright, hardcore decor Metal, rubber, glow in the dark, slugs, unity dumps, Thousand plugs, earplugs, butt plugs, Electric plugs. Electric plugs that only work in Malaysia. Following the footsteps of a ragdoll dance we are entranced, Spellbound Alice. All right, guys, what do we want to plug here? Spike and Ike. What? First I'll. I'll go to Spike or Ike.
Ike Mink Samus
Thank you.
Spike Mink Samus
Thank you.
Scott Aukerman
What do you want to plug?
Ike Mink Samus
Our location of our grandson.
Spike Mink Samus
Zero.
Scott Aukerman
But that's also the location of your granddaughter.
Spike Mink Samus
We found. Stay away from our grand.
Scott Aukerman
Are you suggesting that we some do some recon before this with binoculars or
Spike Mink Samus
something like that to recon yourself before you beon yourself.
Carolyn Parker
Okay.
Scott Aukerman
And refcon yourself before you defcon yourself.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Right.
Ike Mink Samus
And watch Running Point on Netflix on 4 23.
Scott Aukerman
And this is April 23rd, the basketball show on Netflix. And it's. It's called Running Point because all of the basketball players run to several points on the court.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right. They're marked off. They're. They're very specific points. And then there's an A story, a B story, and a C story. But they're all about running to the points.
Spike Mink Samus
Sometimes people run and point at the same time.
Scott Aukerman
And this stars Oscar nominee this year, Kate Hudson.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
And some other great people in the cast.
Ike Mink Samus
That's Justin Theroux.
Scott Aukerman
Justin Theroux pops in for every other episode.
Ike Mink Samus
Scott MacArthur, Fabrizio Guido.
Scott Aukerman
And then Ike Barinholtz also co created this, right?
Ike Mink Samus
That's right. Mindy Cool Kaling, Ike Barinholtz and David Stassen.
Scott Aukerman
So a lot of great people on this. It was a huge hit in season one.
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
And now season two is coming and we couldn't be happier.
Ike Mink Samus
Stay away from the show.
Spike Mink Samus
Granddaughter's favorite show, which is Running Point.
Scott Aukerman
So stay away from Running Point.
Paul F. Tompkins
No,
Scott Aukerman
meaning don't go inside the TV and try to be in it. Exactly right. I got it.
Spike Mink Samus
Don't try to go in the TV and be in Running Point.
Scott Aukerman
Got it. Got it. Willy Wonka style. We don't want anything like that to happen.
Spike Mink Samus
Right?
Ike Mink Samus
That's right.
Scott Aukerman
Okay. Got it. And Spiker Reich, what do you want to plug?
Spike Mink Samus
I want to plug Varietopia. It's gonna be at Bell House in Brooklyn on the 25th and 26th of April.
Scott Aukerman
Wow.
Spike Mink Samus
Now look, my granddaughter won't be there.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, that's good.
Spike Mink Samus
So you can go.
Scott Aukerman
But your Grandson will be there.
Spike Mink Samus
Our grandson will be there. And the opening act is us kicking the out of my grandson.
Scott Aukerman
This is a very special show. I got to see this.
Ike Mink Samus
A one person mosh pit with our grandson being pushed to the ground over and over and over.
Spike Mink Samus
Everyone get in a circle and push our grandson down on the ground. Growl.
Scott Aukerman
Okay, this sounds amazing. Now, Carolyn Parker, what do you want? Plug. I'm.
Carolyn Parker
I'd love to if it's okay. Push my gentist and spa office feature and tombs and our. And also on Instagram, if you have a second, come over to this very, very, very sweet boy. It's Rygal. R Y G A U. Well, on Instagram, he's a very sweet boy and he. And please, if you need. Give him a. Give him a call at 310-980-4053 and let him know how things are.
Scott Aukerman
Let him know if you have any requests.
Carolyn Parker
If you have any requests. If you need him to.
Scott Aukerman
If you need help moving, if you
Carolyn Parker
need money, if you need help moving, if you need him to like come and babysit, kick throw your baby.
Ike Mink Samus
Yes.
Carolyn Parker
Into the, the dirt and push him
Ike Mink Samus
into the ground just to it.
Spike Mink Samus
Push him to the dirt.
Scott Aukerman
And if you, if you want him to judge your dick pics or. Oh yeah.
Carolyn Parker
Well, maybe not. We're. We're on a long. I think he's on a real long streak of never getting one, so maybe we'll help you.
Ike Mink Samus
So he needs one.
Spike Mink Samus
Challenge accepted.
Scott Aukerman
It's a drought. Apparently
Ike Mink Samus
you didn't know that you liked it until they were gone.
Spike Mink Samus
A long dry spell.
Scott Aukerman
Well, what do I want to plug? I want to plug CBB World. We have a brand new website. By the way, this is an incredible looking website. It has great new features. You can look up performers, you can look up characters, you can make your own playlists with certain characters.
Spike Mink Samus
What could be more exciting in the year 2026 than a.
Scott Aukerman
You can also play episodes right from the website. We really.
Spike Mink Samus
I take it back.
Scott Aukerman
Look, we wanted the website to look better and we wanted it to have a bunch of functions that you guys would find fun. We're adding stuff all the time, so you know. Yeah, I know. People aren't on websites.
Ike Mink Samus
Can you put our granddaughter on your website?
Spike Mink Samus
If so, don't.
Scott Aukerman
No and yes or we'll put you
Spike Mink Samus
in a www.harriscoffin.com got it. Net smart guy.
Scott Aukerman
Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So head on over there. You can get the entire archive of comedy Bang Bang. Every single episode we've ever done ad free plus every live episode we've ever done, this is thousands of episodes. Plus we have new shows. We have shows like Neighborhood Listen and CBB Presents, where people from this show have their own show. Collegetown Scott hasn't seen where Sprague. Sprague, the Whisperer, and I watch movies. So much stuff going on over. You're gonna want to spend a lot of time on that website. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Close the bag.
Spike Mink Samus
Cause it's open.
Scott Aukerman
Close that bag. Cause it's open. And if you don't close the bag, then I will punch you in the face. So just close that bag. Close the bag. Mr.
Paul F. Tompkins
Au.
Scott Aukerman
Wow. All right, that was. Close the effing bag. Thank you, Mr. A. By Cam. Get them, Cam. Get them. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Spike and Ike, wonderful to have you on this wet day. Many Urkel to you.
Spike Mink Samus
Juice, what are you doing?
Scott Aukerman
You know, I'm sorry, you guys. You have been on our wet day episodes, like probably four out of the five times we've done them.
Spike Mink Samus
What is wet day?
Ike Mink Samus
What are the rules?
Spike Mink Samus
Do you observe any traditions?
Ike Mink Samus
Is the whole tree inside the house?
Scott Aukerman
No, just, just. Just the tip, as they say. Okay, Carolyn Parker, what do you want? Plug or no plugging?
Carolyn Parker
No, I would love to
Spike Mink Samus
push it real good.
Scott Aukerman
Carolyn, wonderful to see you. I hope so.
Carolyn Parker
Nice to see you.
Scott Aukerman
Have fun having sex or whatever you do.
Carolyn Parker
I never have had sex with them.
Scott Aukerman
You never have sex with either of them?
Carolyn Parker
No, I have sex with, well, whatoms. What do you consider sex?
Scott Aukerman
It depends on the definition of sex.
Ike Mink Samus
Pen. Penestration.
Carolyn Parker
Nothing with nothing.
Scott Aukerman
Can we ask his penis, by the way?
Ike Mink Samus
Let's ask penis plus stration. What is penestration?
Carolyn Parker
Oh, I do have that. I do have that with both of them.
Scott Aukerman
All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.
Commercial Announcer
At Strayer University, we help students like you go from will I to why not? For over 130 years, we've been innovating higher education to. To make it more affordable, accessible and attainable so you can reach your goals. Go from thinking can I? To yes, I can. And keep striving. Visit Strayer. Edu to learn more. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Chev and its many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia. This is a Monday.com ad. The same Monday.com designed for every team. The same Monday.com with built in AI scaling your work from day one. The same Monday.com with an easy and intuitive setup.
Scott Aukerman
Go to Monday.com and try it for free.
Spike Mink Samus
Breathe in.
Scott Aukerman
Feel the sense of calm that comes from having up to $300 in overdraft protection with GoToBank now.
Carolyn Parker
Did you say $300?
Scott Aukerman
Yes. Now back to our breathing.
Commercial Announcer
So if I overspend my balance, Goto bank has my back up to $300.
Scott Aukerman
Yes.
Spike Mink Samus
Can we breathe out now?
Commercial Announcer
Less worries, more zen.
Scott Aukerman
With over $300 in overdraft protection, tap to open an account today. Eligible direct deposits and opt in required for overdraft protection fees. Terms and conditions apply.
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver (as Spike), Ryan Gaul (as Ike), Carolyn Parker
Date: April 6, 2026
This raucous episode celebrates "Wet Day," a holiday invented and annually commemorated on Comedy Bang Bang. The show features returning staples—Paul F. Tompkins, the surreal elderly duo Spike and Ike Mink Samus (Drew Tarver & Ryan Gaul), and receptionist Carolyn Parker—delivering a flood of absurdist traditions, callbacks, new holiday lore, running gags, and classic CBB banter. The result is an episode dense with layered inside jokes, deranged character energy, and the goofiest myth-making about the wettest (and weirdest) holiday of the year.
“Anytime you go, like, ‘hey, look over there, it's the numbers 1 through 5.’ 4 is usually either off...So.”
—Scott Aukerman, [03:43]
"So relax. We're going to be doing the UK and...the west coast and the south and all Earth."
—Scott Aukerman, [07:16]
A deep dive into the ever-expanding canon of Wet Day:
"After enduring wet themed pranks on April Fool's Day, everyone will have nine days to dry off and then get wet again on wet days."
—Scott Aukerman, [10:30]
"That song, by the way, sounded dirtier than anything Prince ever imagined."
—Paul F. Tompkins, [25:11]
"Our daughter had another child… We now have a grandson… and we're here to tell you we don't give a about our grandson. Go close. Go as close as you want."
—Spike & Ike, [43:02]
“Many Urkel to you.”
“Juice to you as well.”
—Scott, Spike & Ike, [97:38]
“There are only three numbers between zero and wet: 1, 2, 3, and wet.”
—Scott Aukerman, [14:41]
“We live by this code. Yes, we...and we die by this code. And the code is beefing.”
—Paul F. Tompkins, [08:17]
"He just gets the milk...just the texture. Just a hot bisque."
—Carolyn Parker & Paul F. Tompkins, [83:47]-[83:51]
“Once or twice a day I’ll go down on...and three or four times a day, he’ll go down on me. It’s part of my job.”
—Carolyn Parker, [69:19]
“Did we make any movement on [canceling April Fool’s]?...Two years later, so I’m gonna guess no.”
—Paul F. Tompkins, [10:53]
“The flash operation is reversing! ...All of the surgeries are reversing. Their butts are getting smaller, their boobs are getting smaller, their heads are no longer swivel. Are you guys all right?”
—Scott Aukerman, [86:20]
“Did you eat a soup with a cracker? Are you just eating crumbs?”
—Scott Aukerman, [77:05]
| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------------|---------------------| | Opening/CBB Tour Announcement | 01:26 – 09:45 | | Wet Day Canon: Traditions & Lore | 09:46 – 32:32 | | Wet Day Carols Contest | 22:48 – 25:19 | | Arrival: Spike & Ike Mink Samus | 35:24 – 56:25 | | Receptionist Carolyn Parker Joins | 57:53 – 98:51 | | Plugs & Episode Close-Out | 90:33 – 98:51 |
Fans and newcomers get a hyper-concentrated dose of Comedy Bang Bang’s style: relentless avalanche of holiday-adjacent inside jokes, aging character weirdos, mock rituals, devilish non-sequiturs, playful group scenes, and some of the most farcical lore-spinning in podcasting. If you want to understand the world of Wet Day, its rules, movies, enemies, rituals, and benevolent (or malevolent) spirits—this is the definitive episode.
To observe Wet Day:
For tour info:
Go to cbbworld.com/tour – presale code: “beefing”
For full CBB archives and features:
Visit cbbworld.com
Happy Wet Day!
Juice to you!