Zach Galifianakis, Charlie McCrackin, Lisa Gilroy

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Episode Featuring Zach Galifianakis, Charlie McCrackin, and Lisa Gilroy

Release Date: February 10, 2025

In this lively and eccentric episode of Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast, host Scott Aukerman engages in a series of humorous and improvisational conversations with his guest, actor and comedian Zach Galifianakis, alongside recurring characters Inspector Jack Cates and Shrunken Head Baby Witch. The episode weaves through various comedic segments, blending interviews, mock investigations, and fantastical elements, all delivered with the show's signature irreverent humor.

---

1. Welcome and Zach Galifianakis Introduction (02:01 - 07:25)

The episode kicks off with Scott Aukerman welcoming Zach Galifianakis to the show. Their banter is immediately playful, setting a relaxed and humorous tone.

Scott Aukerman introduces Zach’s latest project:

"You know him as the star, the titular Hangover. I've done other things in the Hangover trilogy. He also apparently has done other movies. That is a surprise to me."

Zach Galifianakis responds with his characteristic wit:

"We're not that far off from May. What are we talking about here?"

They delve into Zach's upcoming role in the remake of "Lilo and Stitch", discussing the challenges and humorous aspects of taking on a beloved franchise. Scott admits:

"I've never seen it. Never seen it?"

This leads to a lighthearted conversation about Zach’s semi-retired status and his anticipation for the film’s release.

---

2. The Quest for a "Hit" and IQ Test Banter (07:25 - 20:00)

Transitioning from movie talk, the conversation shifts to Scott's longing for a career resurgence—a "hit." Zach encourages Scott, sparking a series of jokes about intelligence and common sense.

Zach Galifianakis muses:

"We need a hit. We need a hit bad."

This segues into a mock discussion about taking IQ tests together, filled with playful jabs and exaggerated claims about their intellectual capabilities.

Scott Aukerman jests:

"I can't be that constant because growing season's not that long."

Their back-and-forth highlights the show's blend of improvisation and scripted humor, keeping listeners entertained with their chemistry and quick wit.

---

3. Introducing Inspector Jack Cates and the Gans Family Investigation (30:35 - 35:05)

Midway through the episode, Inspector Jack Cates makes his entrance, adding a narrative twist to the comedy. Jack discusses his ongoing mission to locate the elusive Gans family, setting up a mock investigative storyline.

Jack Cates explains:

"We have 48 hours to find Gans."

The trio embarks on a humorous "investigation," filled with intentional misunderstandings and comedic mishaps. Their attempts to track down the Gans family are both absurd and entertaining, showcasing the show's improvisational strengths.

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4. The Arrival of Shrunken Head Baby Witch and Magical Mayhem (55:00 - 61:20)

Adding a fantastical layer to the episode, Shrunken Head Baby Witch joins the conversation. Her presence introduces elements of magic and the supernatural, intertwined with the ongoing investigation.

Shrunken Head Baby Witch shares her backstory:

"I was eating a kid from the bed, and the Salem guys busted in and did the whole witch trials on me."

Her interactions with Scott and Zach are filled with comical spell-casting attempts and whimsical tales of her magical exploits. The segment culminates in a playful "spell" that humorously impacts the hosts’ lives.

Zach Galifianakis humorously remarks:

"Can I punch those? Can I punch you in the dick?"

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5. The Climax: Inviting Megan Ganz to the Family Reunion (63:00 - 70:19)

The investigation reaches its peak when an email from Megan Ganz, a real-life comedy writer, is "received," inviting the trio to a family reunion at a Denny's. This revelation propels the storyline forward, blending real-world references with the show's fictional elements.

Shrunken Head Baby Witch clarifies the invitation:

"The family reunion is tonight at the Denny's behind the Arby's, behind the McDonald's."

The group reacts with a mix of confusion and excitement, setting the stage for a humorous culmination of their mock investigation.

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6. Closing Remarks and Final Plugs (70:19 - End)

As the episode winds down, Scott, Zach, Jack, and Shrunken Head Baby Witch engage in a rapid-fire exchange of final jokes and plugs for various fictional products and events. Their lighthearted farewells emphasize the show's comedic flair and its ability to blend narrative threads seamlessly.

Scott Aukerman concludes:

"We need to get you back on track."

The episode wraps up with a blend of improvised humor and scripted lines, leaving listeners entertained and eager for more antics in future episodes.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• [02:03] Zach Galifianakis: "Let's just call him a hyphen."

• [05:00] Zach Galifianakis: "We're not that far off from May. What are we talking about here?"

• [16:33] Zach Galifianakis: "You're the place to be. To be a man. A plan. A canal. Panama."

• [30:40] Jack Cates: "We have 48 hours to find Gans."

• [43:00] Jack Cates: "We've got to find where it is."

• [55:11] Shrunken Head Baby Witch: "I'm promoting it. They didn't invite me on the main press Tour."

• [61:12] Zach Galifianakis: "We could win the big money. Get Steve Harvey. Have him administer the test."

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This episode of Comedy Bang Bang exemplifies the show's unique blend of character-driven humor, improvisational dialogue, and satirical storytelling. Through the interplay between Scott Aukerman, Zach Galifianakis, and the recurring comedic personas, listeners are treated to a memorable and laughter-filled experience that captures the essence of the podcast's long-standing appeal.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, guys, have you heard of Goldbelly? Oh, my God. It's the coolest thing ever. It's this amazing site where they ship the most iconic famous foods from restaurants across the country, anywhere, nationwide. I've never found a more perfect Valentine's gift. They ship Chicago deep dish pizza, New York bagels, Maine lobster rolls, and even Ina Garten's famous cakes. Seriously. So if you're looking for a Valentine's Day gift for the food lover in your Life, head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code gift.

[Zach Galifianakis]

My dad works in B2B marketing.

[Jack Cates]

He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Then he told everyone how much he.

[Jack Cates]

Loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You'Ll be able to reach people who do. Get a $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply.

[Scott Aukerman]

LinkedIn.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The place to be. To be a man. A plan. A canal. Panama. More like con man. No, plan. A band. Iowa. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Grok the Good Witch Grock the Good Witch for that catchphrase submission. Don't know if that's going to stick. It's a little long, but the hunt continues. But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. We have an exceptional show today. We have an actor slash hyphenate, I would say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We'll just call him a hyphen. No, I'm talking about you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Are you as impressed now?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. Not at all. We have a hyphenate. We have an inspector, a police inspector. We also have a paganist on the show. So a lot of great people on the show today. But let's talk to the hyphenate first. Let's see how many parts of this hyphen we can come up with. We have actor. We have comedian, father, husband, social critic. Social critic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scrabist.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Scrabist. Racontour.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you tell.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You've told me at least one story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I think you stole it from Aesop's Fables, but I'm not sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gardner.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Gardener. That's right. You're the constant gardener.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Although you take breaks sometimes. You're the semi constant gardener.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't be that constant because growing Season's not that long.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's true. How. When are we in the middle of growing season? Right now. No, you're not down here. Anyway, let's welcome him. You know him as the star, the titular Hangover. I've done other things in the Hangover trilogy. He also apparently has done other movies. That is a surprise to me. Please welcome Zach Elephant out. Because back to the show. Hello, Zach.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thanks, Scott, for having me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wonderful to have you. Do you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it a prerequisite to be familiar with the show to participate?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, you have been on it approximately, I'm gonna guess, 10 times, probably. And you were on the TV show five times. Once a season.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right. So when you asked me why Weird Al was on the poster that I have over here, it confused me. Because you were on an episode with him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You know, when you've. I've done so.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Talking to the mic.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've done so many projects over the years that it's hard. No, I do now remember Weird Al being there. Now that you say that.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. That was a lot of fun. It was a good time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Nice man.

[Zach Galifianakis]

A very nice man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very, very nice man.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And you as a man are. You're in the ballpark of being nice. Yeah. Which is where you want to be if you're playing baseball.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Like, imagine you get a job playing baseball. You. You get up in the morning, you brush your teeth, you wash your pits. You. You get dressed in your outfit, your little baseball outfit. You drive your Camaro or whatever, you're driving to work. You step out of work, you look around, you realize you're in an office building. You're not in a ballpark.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a long way to go. For what point?

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're in the ballpark of being nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's where you want to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Zach, you came here with nothing to promote. You have no projects. You have nothing on the horizon. You were telling me you're semi retired. Perhaps.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, there are a couple things that I have working, but I don't know when they come out.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You don't know when they come out?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, one of them I know comes out in May.

[Zach Galifianakis]

In May?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We're not that far off from May. What are we talking about here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Movie.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Movie?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I haven't seen it, so I don't.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I'm. I'm making the rectangle with my thumb and forefingers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talent scout on the side.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right. I'm doing an aspect.

[Scott Aukerman]

I get this I get this a lot. This is how it was discovered.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Someone just put the rectangle up to your face. I gotta have this kid. What is this movie? Tell us about it. Well, now that you bring it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

It'S a remake because cuz this town is out of ideas.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, talking to the mic.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's called Lilo and Stitch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, that's right. Lilo and Stitch. A favorite in our household.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you seen it? Yes, of course. The original.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I thought opening weekend. Then I've seen it recently because as a family we watch it sometimes. Huh.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never seen it. Never seen it?

[Zach Galifianakis]

You've never seen. So you didn't do any research at all?

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't want to. I didn't want to work. I didn't want to. I didn't want to bruise my performance by seeing the original? Yeah, I wanted to keep it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Are you a lot like Christopher Walken who crosses out all of the punctuation in his lines?

[Scott Aukerman]

He does.

[Zach Galifianakis]

He doesn't want anyone telling him how to say the word.

[Scott Aukerman]

I saw a headline that he's never had a cell phone. Interesting. Yeah, that was a headline one. Nope. I think it's smart. I think it's smart not to have one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Just a big. In a. In a box with a big bow on it. To Christopher from Zach.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have other guests?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I do, but I love talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Keep going.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right. So you're in Lilo and Stitch. You play. I. I think you were telling me you're one of the aliens, right? Like the captain or.

[Scott Aukerman]

One of. His name is Jumba.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Are you the one Kevin McDonald played or the other one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is the heavier one?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, the other one. Is this a green screen kind of thing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, great question. Great question.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Both. It's animated and it's also live action. So your character gets animated, but you also see the human version of me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So were you ever wearing the mocap suit with all the ping pong balls on it and all that kind of stuff?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so. No. I don't think I ever wore that. No, I don't think I did.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So you just showed up to work.

[Scott Aukerman]

In street clothes and they're like, he's. He's as fat as the character.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We're good. Well, this is exciting. Lilo and Stitch comes out in May. This is. I mean, this is going to be a huge, huge movie, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. And you need one, quite honestly.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've been wanting one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Let's check out. Yeah, let's check out this resume. What's been going on with Zach recently? Let's see.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't know this was part of this.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, let's check out.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I have other things in my life that are not business related.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, we'll get to personal life. Oh, filmography.

[Scott Aukerman]

Long interview already.

[Zach Galifianakis]

2024, something called winner and Thelma the Unicorn.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's it. 2023, the beanie bubble.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. 2022, everything's come to a screeching.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The Bob's Burgers movie, which I assume is a cameo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

2021, Ron's gone wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, remember that one? These are all children's movies. Yeah, except for.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I mean, we need a hit. We need a hit. We need a hit bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sound exactly like me when I look in the mirror in the morning.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You know what you were really great in, though? And I haven't talked to you about.

[Scott Aukerman]

This, but Comedy Bang Bang.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Comedy bang Bang. Yes, but only Murders in the Building. You were in this last season. I thought you added some incredible levity to what could be a very scary show. Yeah. So many murders taking place. Yes, you were. You were sort of the comic relief of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Barely had any lines.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You were very funny. I thought the montage of you with Martin Short was a lot of fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know him? Have you met.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I've never met him. He's one of my favorites.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beautiful man. Yeah, beautiful man.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Really. It was fun working with him. Tell us some stories about Steve and Martin.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I'm private that way.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're private? Really? You don't want to tell any stories? Do you want to tell stories about. Just. Do you want to just recap some of their movies?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Tell us the plot to the Jerk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Martin Short's not in the Jerk.

[Zach Galifianakis]

All right. Three Amigos.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Three Amigos is about these for. I think in. In Mexico, it's called Trace Friends. So do you want the Mexican version?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I want the Mexican version, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's about three dudes that work at a costume shop and then they go to Mexico with their costumes or something like that. It's been a long time since Martin Short and Steve Martin were very fun to work with. It was. I could tell Martin Short was trying to make me not say my lines correctly. So people.

[Zach Galifianakis]

He was trying to crack you up or.

[Scott Aukerman]

So people would get mad at me. And because I told him, like, can you please not make faces when I'm doing my lines because I'm messing up. He goes, oh, I know it was, it was very funny.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So a lot of, A lot of the bigger stars or the stars of a show won't even be there for, for coverage.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've heard that before. I've never experienced that.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Or do you stick around for it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love if I could find somebody with my size head to do.

[Zach Galifianakis]

My reverses, but really it's a, It's a head issue. Head size issue for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. We put a wig on Michael Duakas once while he had the helmet on. Still and still wasn't big enough.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, this. So Martin Short trying to crack you up. That's a dream come true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he was, he was very funny, obviously.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, it's a very funny season. You're really. It's you and Eugene Levy and Eva Longoria playing fictional movie star versions of the trio. And these guys are people who have starred in movies themselves. So it's all so metatextual. Was it ever difficult to figure out exactly what was happening on the set? Like, who am I? Am I Martin Short? Am I me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never thought about that until now.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, I think you got it right every single time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope, I've never gotten anything right in front of the camera.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Can you tell? Because I have questions. I feel like these two are going.

[Scott Aukerman]

To get as much questions getting to.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The other guests on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm uncomfortable with the.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I feel like I've told this story on some podcasts, but I'd love to hear it from your version because he's no longer with us, of course. He worked with Louis Anderson, who a lot of people I know were great friends with. And I went to a birthday party for one of your children once and Louie did something very funny. Do you recall what it was, Louie?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Louie showed up the wrong day.

[Zach Galifianakis]

He showed up the wrong day as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he showed up. Well, one birthday party he showed up and no one was there. And it was the first time I'd had a nap in seven years. And I never forget it because I heard, oh, it's not today from the front door. And I was like, is that Louis at my front door? But I don't know about the other, the other party.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What did he. The other one I remember coming to and this was the right day. And there was a face painting station.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh huh. Oh yeah. He got paced as a lion or something.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yes, he. He was first in line and to paint his face it took an hour and all the kids behind him were in line really upset.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he was such a beautiful dude.

[Zach Galifianakis]

He Got his face painted as a L and then just walked around never mentioning it to anyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

When I vaguely remember that now he is a.

[Zach Galifianakis]

He was very funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Such a sweetheart. He really, really was.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Great guy, Great show baskets. But that was. Honestly, that was 2016 to 2019. We need a hit. We need it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need a hit. Like that one?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, we need a hit. A basket sized hit.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need a hit.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We need a hit. We got to figure this out. I'm looking at your TV resume. Two thousand and sixteen bajillion dollar properties created by my wife, of course. Course. You're very funny in that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I never saw that.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You never saw it. You're very funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never seen it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, we'll show it to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like I hit myself in the face a bunch of times for that.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, fun. Do you remember what part you were? Oh, no. You were playing yourself. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. You were selling your house and Dana Dud came by to be the real estate agent for your own house or something like that. It was very funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ryan.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Ryan Ringall. Yes. He was in Ring from the Between Two Ferns movie. Maybe the last notable thing on your resume.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are you talking about?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Ryan. But we need a hit. And that is coming because Lilo and Stitch comes out. What I'm reading is it comes out May 23rd. This is right before Memorial Day. This is Memorial Day weekend.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe so.

[Zach Galifianakis]

This is a huge, huge movie. We have Billy Magnuson from Into the woods and Game Night. We have Tia Carrera from Wayne's World. But we have. Oh, Hannah Waddingham from Ted Lasso. He's so nice, isn't he? Ted Lasso. We love him.

[Scott Aukerman]

The guy that plays him.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We love him for being nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

The character.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, we love him because he's so nice, don't we?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We love a nice, nice coach, don't we?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We want our coaches to be nice, don't we?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did I say yes? Well, I mean, it's like I could just text.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No, that's true. No. You felt like you owed me for some reason. Yeah, I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know why.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We also have the gallerist coming up. Oh, this is exciting. We have Jenna Ortega and Natalie Portman. Thriller directed by Kathy Yan. Oh, my gosh. This sounds amazing. Tell us about this. Charlie XCX is in this.

[Scott Aukerman]

She plays my girlfriend.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Your girlfriend? Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think so. I think so. I didn't know. I don't know.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You think so? Did you read me?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. I know she does, but I didn't. I didn't. I didn't see her do it. But she's got cast. But I don't know about her. I don't know anything about it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wait, have you not filmed this yet or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, just got back from filming it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So you just got back from filming it. You never saw her play your girlfriend? All right, well, let me tell you.

[Scott Aukerman]

How movies work, Scott.

[Zach Galifianakis]

They shoot you out because you're a busy schedule.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know Charlie xcx?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I've never met her, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I mean, I really enjoy known like.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yes, she's brat.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I know that. I just don't. I'm not. I'm 55. I'm not supposed to know who she is, Right?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, the cutoff. Yeah. Is 50. You're supposed to know who Dread Zeppelin is.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know who that is.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You don't know who Dread Zeppelin is?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would imagine that's a Red. Led Zeppelin cover band.

[Zach Galifianakis]

It's a Led Zeppelin cover band who plays reggae versions of Led Zeppelin songs with an Elvis impersonator as their lead singer. I'm so. So that you didn't get sent the link to the documentary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Am I too young or too old to know that?

[Zach Galifianakis]

You were. You were supposed to get the documentary on your 50th birthday.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I didn't get it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I'm so sorry. I'll get this sent to you. Don't worry.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I was in a cover band once.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

What was it we were called? The Pretenders. Thank you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Going to the act?

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that the act? I'll put it down.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Are you doing stand up?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God, it's. Yeah, I have tried.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, you've been out there working on a new hour for approximately seven to eight years. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no.

[Zach Galifianakis]

When was the last one you put out?

[Scott Aukerman]

Two. 2008, probably.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Or seven into the mic Z.

[Scott Aukerman]

2006. Seven or eight.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't know, 2008 or so. We are now in 2025.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need a. We need another standup special.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We need a standup special and we need a hit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We need to get your back on track.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of pressure.

[Zach Galifianakis]

If. Can I manage you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah. I'm not that interested in the whole thing.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're not interested in. In what I can offer you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What can you. What can you do to get the. To get the rust off the career?

[Zach Galifianakis]

First of all, I can't get anyone on the phone. I barely got messages back from you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm now regretting it immensely.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So that's out. But I am willing to. To just use a lot of shoe leather. I'm willing to walk around.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're ready to hit the pavement.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Hit the pavement. I'm willing to walk around outside of these, you know, all the agencies and.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the movie studios, you know, I. I flyer the 3rd Street Promenade with my headshot every other weekend.

[Zach Galifianakis]

This is. See, this is what I'm talking about. Old school show business. That's what you are.

[Scott Aukerman]

People. Kids want to tweet and Instagram their stuff. No, they do.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't even know what people nowadays.

[Scott Aukerman]

They call it x x.com x x. Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're ruining the world. All that Silicon Valley, that whole ilk.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What a unique opinion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it not? Is it. Is it. Is that. Is that. I don't think people talk about it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You don't think people are talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I don't. I do. People talk about how they're ruining everything.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I'll have to.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't why I don't listen to podcasts, as you know, especially.

[Zach Galifianakis]

But see, this is what I don't like. You come on the show and you say you don't listen to podcasts. You should. You should lie and say you listen to this podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never listened to this podcast.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Why not?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have other things to do. I don't know how people sit around and listen to podcasts.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What do you have to do that's so important?

[Scott Aukerman]

Errands.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What are you going to Party city? What kind of errands are we?

[Scott Aukerman]

Right before I got here, I went and got a battery fob. It took me 25 minutes to get it out of the package. So that eats up a lot of time. And I can't listen to a podcast while I'm dealing with a battery fob.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, I mean, we should mention that you are a very low IQ individual.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you got my text? Yeah, yeah. Also low t. Low testosterone. Yeah, yeah. High.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What is the estrogen. So this is. You're working through a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you don't have low. My IQ is probably low.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do you a lot?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I should say I. I'm not very educated, but I might have some wisdom.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You went to some college, did you not?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I was a film minor in an agriculture school. Look. At a farming school.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Right, but not necessarily the greatest film school. But what was your major? You were a film minor?

[Scott Aukerman]

Communications. And then I. Occasions never graduated.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, you're talking right now. So you. I mean, this is what I. Some sort of a handle right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'Re having A dyad.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Thank you so much. So, I mean, you, if you, if you had to guess, keep in mind this is a scale of 1 to 200. What do you think your IQ is? And then can we get it tested?

[Scott Aukerman]

200 being the highest.

[Zach Galifianakis]

200 is the highest.

[Scott Aukerman]

198, I guess.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So you're knocking two points off just because you went to modest school for modesty.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do they test IQs?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I think they ask you a bunch of questions. I've never had it done. And then math. Or maybe they ask you 200 questions and they just count one point for each one. I have no idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would you ever take one?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I would take one. I would. I think you and I should go together.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet I have common sense, but I bet your IQ is higher.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You. You think you have more common sense than I do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Zach Galifianakis]

In what subject?

[Scott Aukerman]

Life.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Just in life. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Zach Galifianakis]

But you think that my, My.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet your, Your, Your book Smart. Probably have a better education than I do. Where'd you go to school? San Francisco State?

[Zach Galifianakis]

No, I went to acting school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, then I'm much better than you. Never mind. I take everything back.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I really want to do this together. I think you and I should go test our IQs and have it be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Amazing if one of us had a really high iq.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That would be crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do they do it past our ages, or do they have to do it when. When you're young?

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish there were other people here to chime in.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't know. We're gonna, we're gonna look.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna look into edit this.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No, our editing machine broke, like, about 12 years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Before we go on, and I feel like I always ask you this. How many people listen to this? I mean, honestly, are we talking during five people?

[Zach Galifianakis]

During a fiscal year?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, during the fiscal year. Okay, well, like, okay. Oh, wait. We have the numbers in Scott. And I'm sorry to tell you that Zach, when. Yeah, we got 16 people to listen.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three of them were his aunts.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I, I, I think that might be generous. I have no idea if people are listening. You know, there's no, there's no Nielsen. The Neil. We asked the Nielsen family, hey, do you want to listen to a podcast? And they were all like, we're too busy watching tv.

[Scott Aukerman]

But there's no counting of, Of.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No, this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Zach Galifianakis]

They don't do numbers that low.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, but you get.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly, it's probably hundreds of thousands of people, right?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I have no idea how many people saw your Movie winner.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? I don't read the trades. This might really surprise you, except when I go to the dentist, they're there.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Really? In the dentist's office. Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Where you live?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, not in. Can I go to the dentist here?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. Oh, you only go to US Dentist. Right, I get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, go to Canadian dentist, too. But that's where I see the trades.

[Zach Galifianakis]

They're too nice to tell you if you have a cavity there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Canadians are nice.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's why I made that joke.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They have another side to them.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. Because you're married to one.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm just saying I've lived up there for a number of years.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

People are more complicated than we think.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, you're back on our shores. We love you here. You're one of. The United States is. And. And our states are united. You're one of our greatest movie stars. Segued into tv. Did baskets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I really ask you, do people really hate Silicon Valley? It does.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The show or the.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, the.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The.

[Scott Aukerman]

The. The culture, The. What? They like the show, but what they're. What they're doing to the rest of the world. Do people really like. You were. You were being sarcastic. But I really do want to know. I don't hear people complain about it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're up in Canada. They don't even have Silicon Valley.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Where is Canadian Silicon Valley?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, really. Do people really, legitimately, like, sit around and go, are there podcasts going? They're ruining everything?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, they are?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, by who? Because I'd like to listen. Everybody really, like. Well, give me specifics.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't. I'm not sitting around collecting data on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, your energy. Seems like you could come off with one podcast. As I read the news. The news, Diego, the news does not know the news. The news loves it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The Fourth estate, you're right, does tend to prop up these, of course. But no, there's a very large anti billionaire contingent out there that talks about how social media was a blunder and an oopsie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And everybody's been duped. Yes, exactly.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So we don't need.

[Scott Aukerman]

But is it all old people saying it, or are there any young people saying it?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I think everyone's over 50 saying it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that doesn't count.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Everyone under 50 doesn't care.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that doesn't count.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. Who you vote for in the last election?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who? A pro.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Zach Galifianakis is here.

[Scott Aukerman]

POV is who I voted for.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Did you. Did you get to vote up there? That's so fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I don't vote up. I'm not a thing. I'm not a.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're not a citizen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Strict.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, they're really.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are. They're. They're kind of.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do they. Do they give.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like America's policy with that better.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do they give you trouble when you're. Oh, the policy where anyone, even if they're dead, can vote?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, just more open arms to immigration.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do they. Do they give you a hassle when you go up there? Or they're like, yes, I had every single time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope. But the last time I tried to drive in, they. They. They flagged me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

They flagged you for what?

[Scott Aukerman]

They just said you go in and out a lot. What is your status?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Did you high five them after they said that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I said I'm single.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Zach Galifianakis is here. We need a hit, but one is on the horizon. Lilo and Stitch comes out Memorial Day weekend. This is very exciting. We need to take a break, Zach. When we come back, we are going to have an inspector. We're going to have a paganist. This is an exciting show. What do you think, Zach?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you see the buyer's remorse on my face?

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're wearing a sweatshirt that says caveat emptour. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have more with Zach. California. We'll have more comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this. Lowe's knows that your deadlines don't change even when your job does.

[Scott Aukerman]

But with Lowe's buy online pick up in store, we'll help you adjust on the fly.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And when you absolutely can't leave the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Project, we can deliver to your job site as soon as same day. Lowe's knows pros.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We help you save.

[Scott Aukerman]

Valid on eligible in stock orders and select zip codes.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Placed by 2pm for same day delivery.

[Scott Aukerman]

By 8pm subject to driver availability.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Fees vary based on purchase.

[Scott Aukerman]

More terms apply c lowe's.com SameDayDelivery for details.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Huddle up.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's me, Angel Reese. You can't beat the post game burger and fries, right? Know what else you can't be? The Angel Reese Special.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Let's break it down.

[Zach Galifianakis]

My favorite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions and a sesame seed bun, of course.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And don't forget the fries and a drink.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's gonna be a high C for me.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Sound good?

[Zach Galifianakis]

All you have to do to get.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is beat me in a one on one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I'm just playing get the Angel re.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Special at McDonald's now.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I participate in restaurants for a limited time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is anyone out there? Another salesperson enduring the endless search?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Exhausting.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

If you want to get right to the right conversations, you need LinkedIn Sales Navigator. Whether you're looking for new leads or strengthening existing relationships at your top accounts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get right to the right conversations with LinkedIn Sales Navigator. Try LinkedIn Sales Navigator now with a free 60 day [e-mail] trial.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

That's LinkedIn.com trial.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang, bang. We're back. Zach Califianakis is here. Lilo. And Stitch is the lifeline to his career. Career that is coming up. And he imagines a mighty big payday coming his way. What's that? Get by the mic.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want. I'm not interested in.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're not interested in money?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, but.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Hello.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Sorry to interrupt.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, hey, relief.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I just came. I'm from. Actually the IQ department.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, wait. We were just talking about. We both want to take an IQ test.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Oh, will you? Well, I heard you talking about it, and so I just wanted to come in and give you a sample question. And whoever gets it right has the higher iq.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do we. Can we write down our answers or do we need to buzz in and be first?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Is it like a fast thing?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Okay, I'm already registering some things about what the IQ might be in the room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So high. Pretty high at this point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, sure.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Should we ask really good questions? Yes.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Good questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Why don't you go ahead and write your answer?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, we'll write it. Or at least think. Yeah, Yeah. I don't trust Zach. You should write it down, Zach.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I want to hear the question first.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'll only say it once.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Well, that is.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

And I'm going to read it directly as it's written on the Internet.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Is the test administered orally? All the time.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Anally.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. Got it.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Carpenter.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Colon is to. Is what that means.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Furniture. Colon. Colon.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Cobbler.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Colon. Question mark. A, title. B, pot. C, frame. D, shoe.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I'm locked in pot. Now you're trying to high five me because you said pot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Scott, please turn your board over.

[Zach Galifianakis]

D. Shoe.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

The correct answer is shoe. Goodbye.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Goodbye. Oh, my God. Wait, she just floated up in the air.

[Scott Aukerman]

The clues were what? Carpenter.

[Zach Galifianakis]

A cobbler. Works on shoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

A cobbler. You didn't say carpenter.

[Zach Galifianakis]

A carpenter works. She's gone. She floated off into the space.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did the British lady say carpenter?

[Zach Galifianakis]

She did, yes. Carpenter is to furniture as cobbler is, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I wasn't paying attention. Partly.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's gonna hurt you during this.

[Scott Aukerman]

On paper, I would have gotten that one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We gotta. We have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know the capital of Canada? Of course you don't.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No. Why would I know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know the capital? Of course you don't.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No, I know. I'm back.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I heard that there was a dispute about the last question.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, question number two.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

What is the capital of Canada? First to buzz in gets it. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ottawa.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Correct. Higher IQ established.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You can't get Canadian questions. Those don't count.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ask any geographical question. Ask anything worldly.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Any question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What Bhutan.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do they now? You're right. He's. When he's right, he's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We got to have a face off on this. We got to have a showdown on this IQ showdown. Can we make an episode about this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, who has the highest iq?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, like, say it's out as long.

[Scott Aukerman]

As we can also match it with like life trivia. Like that we could take.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We tell you what, why don't we do like a triathlon? We'll do IQ test. We'll do some sort of street smart test. Like we'll go out to the streets of downtown LA and just see like, who can handle themselves better.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Oh, well, that. Give me a break on that one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, you'll win that one for sure. And then we'll do like some sort of physical.

[Scott Aukerman]

How about dropped off in the woods?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Type test?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, let's do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sure you can. I don't think you've ever camped in your life.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Which woods are we talking?

[Scott Aukerman]

Any woods. Elijah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We'll save a seat for him. All right. We do need to get to our next guest. He's been on the show before. He is a police inspector. Please welcome back to the show, Jack Kates.

[Jack Cates]

Looking good, partner.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Hey, how are you, Jack?

[Jack Cates]

I'm doing all right.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Zach Alifakis.

[Jack Cates]

Zach, how are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm fine, officer. How are you?

[Jack Cates]

Yeah, I'm not an officer. I'm an inspector.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And this is the IQ lady. I think she didn't float away this time, unfortunately. So why are you sticking around this time? Last time you floated away so quickly.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'm trying to stay present for the iq.

[Zach Galifianakis]

She's gone. All right. Well, Jack, so good to see you again. You've been on the show many times?

[Jack Cates]

A couple of times, yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, I mean, two is many. I mean, wouldn't you say? Too many.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, too many.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Too many. That's what. That's why they call it Too many.

[Jack Cates]

Pretty sloppy work.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I apologize, Jack, but last couple of times you were here, you were. I'm trying to remember exactly what you're doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were.

[Jack Cates]

We're trying to get Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right. Gans.

[Jack Cates]

That's right. And that's what we've got to do now. We've got 48 hours to find Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wait, we didn't find him the last time.

[Jack Cates]

So we found him twice before. We found Albert Ganz and then we found his brother.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We did.

[Jack Cates]

William Cherry Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We found. Okay, so we found the Gans. So which Gans are we looking for now?

[Jack Cates]

Both of them. They got away.

[Zach Galifianakis]

How did they get away?

[Jack Cates]

You were there. Don't you remember?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Sloppy work.

[Jack Cates]

Work.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The details are slipping my mind. I don't got time for your jive inform, Zach. How did they get away?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Gan somebody a person?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, Gans is. I guess the Gans brothers.

[Jack Cates]

Albert Gans is a lifelong criminal. A bug eyed creep. He stole my gun after stealing a payroll from an armored car. Yes, and then he had my gun and I was out on the street trying to get him. I needed Scott's help because he started a podcast of what his life was like in prison. So I needed a podcaster to catch a podcaster.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, it takes a podcaster to catch a podcast.

[Jack Cates]

Exactly. We had 48 hours to find it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Was Cereal about that? Did the guy who killed everyone on Cereal, was he a podcaster? And that's why it was a podcast.

[Jack Cates]

I don't like that. I didn't watch that one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You. You didn't watch cereal?

[Jack Cates]

No, I didn't watch Cereal.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't either. I heard it. That's one podcast I did hear.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, you really. You listen to Cereal?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll listen to that one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Men would rather listen to cereal than go to therapy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wasn't that one of the first podcast ever? No. Oh, that's why I listened to it. I thought it was the first podcast ever.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You were on this probably six times before that ever even premiered.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but I'm talking about things that people listen to.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So what happened with Gans? He got away.

[Jack Cates]

He was in the studio with us. He was your other guest.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right. We.

[Jack Cates]

We learned by the end, so.

[Zach Galifianakis]

But how did he get away though?

[Jack Cates]

You were there. Don't you remember?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't. Well, come on, we're partners here, okay? So we gotta go get. Why do we have 48 hours starting now?

[Jack Cates]

Well, because. Well, we're missing the middle part.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Where?

[Jack Cates]

In between, after Albert Gams Got away. His brother, William Jerry Ganz, was hired with his partner Hickok, to kill us.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, right.

[Jack Cates]

Yes, right. Motorcycle murderers hired by the Iceman.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Right.

[Jack Cates]

To track us down and kill us.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Right, right.

[Jack Cates]

Because I shot a bad guy and then my gun disappeared.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Right. Okay, I remember all this now. Why did you have to cough? Is your voice not normally, like always like this?

[Jack Cates]

I smoke 12 packs a day.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Packs of what?

[Jack Cates]

Cigarettes.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay, so. So both Gan's brothers are. Are in the wind.

[Jack Cates]

They're together now.

[Zach Galifianakis]

They're together, though. We know that for. For a fact.

[Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay.

[Jack Cates]

They've got a copy of my gun.

[Zach Galifianakis]

A copy.

[Jack Cates]

They 3D printed a copy of my gun. Why? To frame me. In 48 hours from now, they're going to go to the Ganz family reunion.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, why don't we just go to the ganz Family reunion 48 hours from now? Okay. Wait, what do you need a ride? Why do you need my help all the time?

[Jack Cates]

Well, before, I needed your help as a podcast, sure. And now I need your help as a television creator.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Why? What does that have to do with the Gans family reunion?

[Jack Cates]

Because there's only one other Ganz that I know. Megan Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Megan Ganz is part of this, right?

[Jack Cates]

Writer. American comedy writer.

[Zach Galifianakis]

From Community.

[Jack Cates]

Correct. And Always Sunny.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And Modern Family, I guess. Wait, you know all of her resume other than that?

[Jack Cates]

I know two things. Is that her whole resume? Anyway, she's gonna be there. They're gonna murder their whole family and frame me for it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Why murder your whole family? Zach, would you murder your whole family?

[Scott Aukerman]

I wouldn't even think about it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No, this is not. This is not normal behavior.

[Jack Cates]

Well, they're going to frame me for it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

But. But that doesn't answer my question about why murder their whole family?

[Jack Cates]

These are dirt bag, lifelong criminals.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So that's in 48 hours. Why did you come here now? Why not just call me 48 hours from now?

[Jack Cates]

We gotta find where it is.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You don't. We don't. Okay, so how are we gonna find TV contacts?

[Jack Cates]

You get in touch with Megan Ganz, we find out where her family reunion is, and we can go there.

[Zach Galifianakis]

All right, man, who do I go through to? I don't have Megan. Do you have Megan Ganz's email? Do you know who we're talking about? Writer. She was a writer on a Community. And what was the other thing you said?

[Jack Cates]

It's always sunny.

[Zach Galifianakis]

It's always sunny.

[Scott Aukerman]

But can't you just, like, hit him? Hit her up on Twitter?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, she Had a mere x dot com.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Mean x dot com. That inspector.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Hey, how do you feel about. Do you think these people, these billionaires are ruining.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Does anybody talk about that?

[Jack Cates]

Everyone's talking about it in San Francisco.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where who talks about it?

[Jack Cates]

Everyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, they don't.

[Zach Galifianakis]

He's a police inspector in San Francisco. So this is where the tech bubble.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but I don't hear people complain about it that much.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You live on an island.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but the fact that even the Google cars can go around, take pictures of everything. If those cars said US government on it, people would fucking lose their mind.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What do you think about the little robots that deliver packages?

[Scott Aukerman]

They're cute until you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

They're really together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then they are not so cute anymore.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, but they're. But one.

[Scott Aukerman]

One is fine. We love One is Fine.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yes, but we love Amazon, don't we, Zach? Would you ever do a movie with Amazon? We need it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to talk about that.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We need a hit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bezos. You ever seen that guy?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I never seen him. No. You've seen a picture of him or.

[Scott Aukerman]

You gotta watch Frontline. They did a profile on him.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Did they pay you in Bezos? Anyway, so we gotta get making.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know that we're not allowed to make fun of these gods because they're all controlling show business, but he's very odd.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Maybe I could go through Mary Elizabeth Ellis, who's married to Charlie Day.

[Jack Cates]

All right, that's over my head. I know, I know. I'm a big It's Always Sunny fan.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, you don't know who's married to who.

[Jack Cates]

No, I only care about the show.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So you only care about the fictional characters. Why are you coughing?

[Jack Cates]

I'm having a hard time. I'm excited.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. When you're excited, you cough. Okay, that's right. So they may have a disease. So. So tell me about the characters on It's Sunny.

[Jack Cates]

All right. Well, you've got Charlie.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Sure.

[Jack Cates]

Right.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Why ask me? You're the huge fan.

[Jack Cates]

I'm. I'm asking if you're following along.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, I am. Yes.

[Jack Cates]

I'm trying to go slow.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. Charlie. We have Charlie. We have Charlie.

[Jack Cates]

Zach. Zach, you know Charlie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Charlie Day.

[Jack Cates]

Charlie Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know of him.

[Jack Cates]

Yeah, from It's Always Sunny. He's on that show. Are you following along?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm following what you're saying.

[Jack Cates]

You got Dennis.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Dennis. Okay.

[Jack Cates]

Right.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Who. Who. And you don't know who plays these characters?

[Jack Cates]

I only know Charlie Day because that's his name.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, Right. And. And it's Just somehow, through osmosis or something.

[Jack Cates]

I know Danny DeVito.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Danny DeVito. What. What character does he play?

[Jack Cates]

I mean, he's always Danny DeVito in every role.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. So you're a big Danny DeVito fan, and that supersedes the. It's funny.

[Jack Cates]

Love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

It's sunny, rather.

[Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Why didn't they call it It's Always Funny in. In Philadelphia?

[Jack Cates]

Then I would know what I'm getting into.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Instead, I watched this show, and I'm thinking I'm gonna see a lot of sunshine, and meanwhile, the whole show takes.

[Jack Cates]

Place inside of a bar.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't understand.

[Jack Cates]

You can't tell if it's sunny outside or not.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So that's one way, but I don't know. I don't know. Let me. Let me see if I can type an email here right now, see if I can get a hold. Okay. Mary Elizabeth says, yeah, here's Charlie's contact info. Okay, let me.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's fast.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Dear Charlie. Yeah, we're. I mean, we're tied, so she. Yeah. Dear Charlie, do you. She just did an episode just a few months ago, so we're tight.

[Jack Cates]

An episode of this?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. All right. Dear Charlie, do you know Megan Ganz's email address? Stop. It's very important. We need to catch a killer. Stop. Sincerely, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, she's got to reply to that right away.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, he's got to reply.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, is it to Charlie?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, that was to Charlie.

[Jack Cates]

You turned your sound effects on between the first email and the second one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I thought it was important, you know, just to really establish what we're doing. Bing. Oh, well, you've got mail.

[Jack Cates]

Nice.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I have an AOL account still. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, it's making [e-mail]?

[Jack Cates]

No, we could have guessed that.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We could have guessed that. Oh, okay. Let me write to Megan. Dear Megan, stop. Do you know your family? Stop. Are you going to that reunion that's in 48 hours? Stop. Can a guy named Jack Cates come and myself come with you? Stop. Zach, do you want to go?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it in two days?

[Zach Galifianakis]

It's in two days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'll be there.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You'll be there? Yeah. Zach Galifianakis from the upcoming film Lilo and Stitch, which has to be a hit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Make sure you put that parenthetically.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, you did. Yeah. Yeah, it's a. Parenthetically.

[Scott Aukerman]

He needs a hit.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, he needs a hit. And. And he's hoping this will be a hit. Wants to go as well. Stop. Sincerely, Scott Arkman. Okay. Wow, that was even. That was sent even quicker. It sounded like. All right, now we just got to sit around and wait.

[Jack Cates]

You've got mail. It's the same thing.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, let me see. Oh, no, it's spam.

[Jack Cates]

What does spam have to say?

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe they have a clue.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do you want to buy more spam from us? No, I'm. Oh, let me write them back. No, sorry. I have way more than enough spam for the year. Thank you so much. Sincerely, Scott. All right. We just sit around and wait, I guess. For me, I mean, I'm not comfortable.

[Jack Cates]

Sitting around and waiting.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What do you want to do while we wait?

[Jack Cates]

Hit the pavement.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You want to hit the pavement with us? Zach, what do you think?

[Scott Aukerman]

Right now, during the podcast? Like, during.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, this is a mobile setup. We could go outside. Do you want to go outside?

[Jack Cates]

We've only got 48 hours.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, we only have 48 hours until. Until.

[Jack Cates]

Unless you don't want me to find games.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm passionate about you finding games.

[Jack Cates]

Why are you dragging your factory case?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm not. Have really have nothing to do with it. I'm.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Stop dragging ass, Zach. We need to find games.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why am I in the middle of.

[Jack Cates]

We ain't brothers and we ain't friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's fine by me. You were Gans or me and you.

[Jack Cates]

Down till we get Gans locked up, we're dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Listen, Inspector, I have really no concern with Gans. I'm not that interested.

[Jack Cates]

Oh, you're okay. You don't have any. You're ambivalent about a lifelong dirt bag criminal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I don't know if he's gonna stop crying. I don't know if he's gonna hurt me.

[Jack Cates]

Hate Tech bros. Love criminals.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Would you say hate tech bros. Loves criminals. That's Zach to a T. That's right. That's Zach Elenis. Right. Come on. What's good? What's going. Let me. Let me pack up the mobile recording thing. Let's go.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought maybe you would do sound effects as we go outside.

[Zach Galifianakis]

All right, here we go. Ready?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, look at that horse walking by.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wow. Right outside my house. You never see those anymore. Anyway, what do you want to do? I brought my computer just in case we get an email back, by the way, as well as all this recording. This is really heavy, Zach. Do you mind?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not at all.

[Zach Galifianakis]

A little bit of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me take your switchboard.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whatever that is.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We get some calls. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you ever get calls?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, we do take some calls sometimes. What are we looking for out here, by the way?

[Scott Aukerman]

Gans.

[Jack Cates]

We gotta find Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So we're his brother, so we just got to, like, try to eyeball him from people on the street. Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at those games. Sorry.

[Jack Cates]

Very close.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but I was. I was looking at something. I just didn't want to.

[Jack Cates]

If I had it, which I don't.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't. I don't see him. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gantt. You want me to yell for.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, we should yell. Gantz. Gans. Hey, Gans.

[Jack Cates]

Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Gant. No. No bites.

[Jack Cates]

He's not in your neighborhood.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't know, you know, I just don't know what to do. Bing, you've got mail. Oh, I got an email.

[Jack Cates]

All right, read the email. We only have 48 hours.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, it's from.

[Jack Cates]

What is the email from? Ganz.

[Zach Galifianakis]

It's from Megan Ganz.

[Jack Cates]

What does it say? Is she going with you?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I'm going to read it and we'll hear her voice.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Hey, I got your email, Scott. It's been a really long time since you emailed me first. I was confused because we had that big fight so many years ago, and I didn't think you ever wanted to speak to me again. Stop. How are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Stop.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Love you, Megan.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Huh?

[Jack Cates]

Mixed messages. She loves you. Stop.

[Zach Galifianakis]

She wants me to stop.

[Jack Cates]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

She doesn't answer my question about going to the.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

You've got mail. Stop. I was still sending the email.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Stop. Oh, my gosh.

[Jack Cates]

I hadn't.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I. Yes.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I have a family reunion tonight. Why did you want to be my date? Stop. Whoosh. See you later. Bye.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Whoosh. So she was making her own whoosh.

[Jack Cates]

Sound as she was talking to text in real time. And it's coming through your email and being converted Back to talk.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

P.S. one more for the road. Whoosh.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, wow. Three whooshes from Megan Ganz. This is exciting. All right, so we're invited.

[Jack Cates]

Where is it?

[Zach Galifianakis]

You never asked me to ask her that.

[Jack Cates]

That's all we have to find out.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't know where. Where do they have family reunions down here in LA with a family that's from San Francisco? There have to be some clues detector or. Inspector Cates. I'm sorry to call you detective.

[Jack Cates]

That's a clue that you've not been paying attention.

[Zach Galifianakis]

To be fair. You called yourself a detective the first appearance.

[Jack Cates]

You called me that and I didn't correct you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're the host.

[Jack Cates]

You introduced me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So what are the clues? What. What clues were left behind at the scene?

[Jack Cates]

All right, Family Reunions need a few things, right? We need outdoor barbecue pits.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We need plastic cutlery.

[Jack Cates]

Absolutely. Pasta salad. Where do you find pasta salad?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Pasta salad. Pasta salad. Zach, where do we find pasta salad?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ralph's.

[Jack Cates]

Ralph's Ralph.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wait a minute. Is anyone in the Ganz family named Ralph?

[Jack Cates]

Like Ralph Ganz?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anybody named Gelsons?

[Jack Cates]

Like Gilson's Gans? There's obviously an Albert's Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Albert. Wait, what about his son?

[Jack Cates]

He has a son?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Albertsons. We need to get to Albertsons right now. They'll be buying all of the stuff for the reunion right now.

[Jack Cates]

Pasta salad, hot dogs, buns.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wait a minute. Albertsons is right over there. Let's run.

[Jack Cates]

Look at him go.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Hey, come on, Kate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on, let me catch up.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Hold on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I need my inhaler.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, okay, okay. Let's go back to running.

[Scott Aukerman]

I need another break.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, yeah. Let's see.

[Jack Cates]

I'm in peak physical condition.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Alright. Okay. We're here. We're here. We made it. Thank God I got this mobile recording set up. Okay. Oh, look, there's a greeter here at the door.

[Jack Cates]

Oi, you lot.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

No running near Albertsons. What are you kids doing mucking about?

[Jack Cates]

I ain't got time for your jive. Get out of my way. We're looking for Dan.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

This Albertson's closed. It's been closed for 50 years. Some kids say it's haunted in it. Be careful when you go in there.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, so we can go in there even though it's closed?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

You're used to talking to ghosts and all that in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, have you seen anyone go in to the grocery store at all?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Just Scooby Doo in the gang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, cancer isn't part of that, right?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yes, Gan's part of Scooby Doo's gang.

[Jack Cates]

What's the name of their gang?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, you got Thelma. No, Velma.

[Jack Cates]

Not the names of the people in the gang. Don't they have a name for their gang?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, they write around the Mystery Machine.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Scooby Dooby, Crooby. That's what they told me. They were in here solving the mystery of the something something. Pasta salad. Family reunion, innit?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh my God.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Anyways, I gotta go to toilet now.

[Zach Galifianakis]

She just sent an email in the bathroom. Okay, so we're inside now. Do you see anyone?

[Jack Cates]

This place is cleaned out.

[Zach Galifianakis]

There's nothing on the shelves. Of course.

[Jack Cates]

This looks like a post apocalyptic wasteland.

[Zach Galifianakis]

It hasn't been open for 50 years. Since 1975, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys, anybody want a tab?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Here? Let's open up this Tab.

[Jack Cates]

That's why I did it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why I did it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, Scott, slow down.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I loved it. Chug a tab. All right, do we see the Gans or any of his family members here? Kate, what are you doing? You're staring off into space.

[Jack Cates]

I'm looking for clues.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Like you're haunted by some sort of past memory. What is going on with you?

[Jack Cates]

Yeah, I had a traumatic experience in a grocery store like this.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

A haunted grocery store that was 50 years old that you've had an experience?

[Jack Cates]

That's right. Not this one, but a different haunted grocery store that's been closed for 50 years.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Up in San Francisco, I would imagine the Bay Area.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What happened there?

[Jack Cates]

Now it's the headquarters of Uber.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God, don't get me started.

[Zach Galifianakis]

But anyway, what happened to you in this?

[Jack Cates]

Well, I was left there as a child.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. For how long?

[Jack Cates]

18 days.

[Zach Galifianakis]

18 days?

[Jack Cates]

That's right. It could have been 48 hours, but it was, in fact, 18 days.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, but it felt like 48 hours to you?

[Jack Cates]

Yeah. Really breezed by.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. So you enjoy this?

[Jack Cates]

Oh, it's like a kid in a candy store.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Sure, but it was more like a kid in a grocery store.

[Jack Cates]

Yeah, it was a teenager in the grocery store.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And did they ever come back to get you after the 18 day?

[Jack Cates]

We were shopping. It was me, my brother Albert, and his brother William.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay.

[Jack Cates]

We were all shopping together.

[Zach Galifianakis]

His brother, but not yours?

[Jack Cates]

Yeah, he's my brother, too. That's how brothers work, Scott.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, but you didn't say it like. Anyway, go ahead.

[Jack Cates]

Sorry. I thought you could do math. You passed an IQ test.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And then who found you 18 days later, which felt like 48 hours?

[Jack Cates]

Nobody found me. I walked out. I waited 18 days for them to.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Return, and then you just walked out.

[Jack Cates]

I'm like, I don't think they're coming. Okay. I'm gonna start a life for myself.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I think I would have left 48 minutes into this, but you. It took you different strokes for different folks. Anyway, is Ganz here?

[Jack Cates]

No, but I've reclaimed a memory, Scott. I just remembered that I had a brother named Albert.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You didn't remember you had a brother named Albert?

[Jack Cates]

He had a brother named William. Sherry, I'm a Ganz. What?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, my God.

[Jack Cates]

I'm a Ganz. Did you not hear me?

[Zach Galifianakis]

I. I mean, I heard the Albert William, but I thought it was.

[Jack Cates]

Surprised?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, I'm surprised. Yeah. Oh, my God. You're a Gans.

[Jack Cates]

I'm a Gans. We don't need Megan Ganz.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So you know where the. The family reunion is?

[Jack Cates]

No, nobody knows I'm a Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, well, just tell everyone you're a Gans, and then you'll be invited to the family reunion.

[Jack Cates]

I guess I have to tell Megan Ganz that I'm a Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, do you want to send an email to her? Just dictate it to me.

[Jack Cates]

All right.

[Zach Galifianakis]

All right, here we go.

[Jack Cates]

Dearest Megan Gans. Hey, how's it going?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, we can cut down a little on the chit chat, I think. I mean, this is a. A matter of grave importance.

[Jack Cates]

This should be dictated, not read back to me with criticism. I was just remembering that I'm also a Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do you want me to put in a stage direction that talks about your jaunty tone?

[Jack Cates]

You can put it in italics. I think that'll come across on the page.

[Zach Galifianakis]

All right, all right. Just remembered, I'm a Gans.

[Jack Cates]

I'm also a Gans. I would like to attend the Ganz family reunion. Okay, that's the end of the email. Oh, wait, no. Where is it? Okay, thank you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Good. Specifically, where is it? Specifically? And then do you want to sign your name or anything?

[Jack Cates]

Signed yours truly. Best wishes.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Signed yours truly. Best wishes and all the regards to.

[Jack Cates]

Your friends and family. And may the road rise up to meet you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Sure. Okay.

[Jack Cates]

On your journey, Inspector Jack John Kate's Gans.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. Okay, we sent it, but we're running out of time on this segment. We have to. We have to run back to the studio.

[Jack Cates]

We're running out of time in general.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right. We can. Let's all run back to the studio so we can take a break. Ready? Here we go. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this security guard going? No.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You kidding?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, thank you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That was your shit.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

It was gorgeous.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, come on, guys. Come on, come on. We need to get back to the studio.

[Jack Cates]

Took you long enough.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, Jesus. How did you make it here before us, Gans?

[Jack Cates]

I took big, bounding strides.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. Zach. Okay. Zach just made it.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I've been here. Oh, yeah, wait, I had a. I took an Uber.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why I'm not out of breath.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I thought you hated Uber Hit back.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't like Uber, but that was the only thing that would come out and get me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. All right, well, you know what? We need to take a break. This is good news. But we'll find out hopefully at some point during the show where this family reunion is, and then we're all going to go, right? We all. We.

[Jack Cates]

We'll have to drop everything.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, I mean, it's in 48 hours. Do we really have to drop everything? Depending on where the reunion is, we may have to drop everything.

[Jack Cates]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

If it takes 48 hours to get.

[Jack Cates]

There and we have to drive.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Why do we have to drive?

[Jack Cates]

For comedy.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. All right, we'll look. We're gonna take a break. When we come back, we have a paganist here. This is so exciting. We'll have more Jack John Kate's gans. We'll have more Zach californiakis. We will be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Skip the waiting room. Tirerack.com now offers convenient mobile tire installation in select areas. Simply shop tirerack.com for your next set of tires and at checkout check choose tire rack mobile tire installation. An expertly trained technician will arrive with your tires and install them on site, at home, at the office, wherever you are. You'll spend less time waiting and more time doing the things you enjoy. Tirerack.com the way tire buying should be. Struggling to fall asleep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meet the ergo pro smart base from tempur pedic. Its gentle massage and relaxing sounds help calm your mind every night.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Save up to $500 on select adjustable mattress sets at Tempur pedic.com on Breeze mattress sets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only lesser savings may apply. 1, 2, 3, 4. Those are numbers.

[Jack Cates]

But you already knew that.

[Zach Galifianakis]

If you want to know what number.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'Re going to pay each month for.

[Jack Cates]

Your car, use Kelley blue book. My wallet on autotrader.

[Zach Galifianakis]

They're really good at numbers.

[Jack Cates]

Autotrader.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Comedy. Bang bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're back.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Zach Californiakis is here. We're all tired out from the the running back from Albertsons. Other than Jack Cates. Jack John Cates Gans. Of course.

[Jack Cates]

I'm finished. A fiddle. I smoke so many cigarettes, I can't feel my lungs anymore.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, so that's. That's giving you sort of a numbness too. What? Normally we would feel false confidence. Okay, got it. We do need to get to our next guest, though. She is a paganist, I guess is how I am to describe her. Please welcome to the show shrunken head baby witch. Hi, shrunken dad. Baby witch. How are you?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Hi. Thanks for having me on the show. You got to see wicked in theaters now. It's gonna be the movie of the year. If my name's not drunken head baby witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, I mean, shrugged head baby witch. Wicked has been out for now three months or so.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'm promoting it. They didn't invite me on the main press Tour. So I'm doing my own kind of little thing.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Are you in the movie Click click, Hold my.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Hold my nails.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do you have something to do with.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

The arrivo and all that? Yes, I was a consulting producer on the film. You're a consulting producer?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Producer. Wow.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Because I'm a real witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're a real. What does that mean, a real.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'm a shrunken headed baby witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I know that. I mean that we take that as a given, but what does that. What you're. When you say a real witch? I think there are a lot of people in the world who consider themselves to be witches. Or is that what you mean?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Who do you know that's a witch?

[Zach Galifianakis]

No one. I know.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

You said a lot of people in.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The world just, you know, they're say three. Damn it, she got me. Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't run in those type of circles. The witchers figure.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

What do you mean? The witches wouldn't invite a guy like you to hang out. Can't believe that.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What? You're rolling your eyes sarcastically when you say this.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'm kidding.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Which is a huge tip off to.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Me that you're with. You shrunken headed baby witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You shrunken headed baby witch.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Witches. Witch. Shrunken headed baby witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I'm understanding your name is shrunken headed baby witch. Now?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Maybe it's shrunken head baby witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Which is it?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Shrunken headed baby witch or is it shrunken head now? Which is which?

[Zach Galifianakis]

What? So, so you're. Do you. Can you actually perform magic or anything like that?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

You can do any kind of spell. What kind of magic do you want me to do?

[Zach Galifianakis]

De. Aging. I. I think for Zach.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Okay, what specifically are you looking for?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like the anti aging face.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And body probably too. Yeah, like I have a grotesque body. Is there anything you could do about that?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Okay, yeah, here we go. Younger head and body better make him fit into a sweater. Smaller, smaller, younger still baby baby. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, the first half rhyme very well.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, that's how you know I'm a real witch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Because that checks out.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

If anybody else is doing that Disney Pisney Mickley mouse shit, it's rhyming and it's not real.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Thank you.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

You know, a spell is real because it ends in whoa, whoa, whoa. Because that's the sound of the magic coming out.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. So is. Is he.

[Scott Aukerman]

When does it kick in?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, when exactly does he.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Oh, it will kick in. Well, you didn't say that. You didn't specify. So it's probably a couple months or.

[Jack Cates]

Things where there's a mironic consequence to the wish.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah. Monkey's paw.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, there's a. He'll have a monkey.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I hope you're not allergic to monkeys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What's the. What's the compromise here that I have that I get something in return and.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Your wife turns into a monkey? If you get the spell.

[Scott Aukerman]

If I get. If I get younger, then somebody has to pay for my wife will have to pay.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We'll turn into a monkey.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's fine with me.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Okay. Shrunken headed baby witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Zach. I mean, you can be married to a monkey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's all fine. I just wanted to know, like, is there any other thing that when you make me look younger and taller.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Oh, sure.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wasn't really part of the original.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's part of the grotesque body.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, that'll be solved.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Like, I want to be stereotypically chiseled.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. How many abs did you want? You were saying, like a 24 pack or something.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can get apps with my phone.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. That's right. Yeah.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Silicon Valley, man. They're really.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't even get me farted. Don't even get me farted.

[Zach Galifianakis]

But can you do that for him? Can you make him, like. Like, really super cut?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Of course. Of course. Super chiseled. Stolen. Strong and tall. Make them big and.

[Jack Cates]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

There you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I got two months to wait for it to kick in.

[Jack Cates]

Yep.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. And then come back.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll come back in two months.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, come back. We'll do the IQ test as well. Yeah, yeah, that'll be. That'll be great. And then you'll be married to a monkey. But.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

And please check out Wicked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, that's the.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Have you checked out Wicked yet?

[Scott Aukerman]

Anywhere?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

You get the movies, Jack?

[Zach Galifianakis]

John?

[Jack Cates]

Yes, Kate?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Scans. Have you checked out. Why are you staring into space again?

[Jack Cates]

I'm trying to think of what I'm gonna ask for when the witch turns to me. Okay.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, have you seen Wicked?

[Jack Cates]

What's that? No, I read the book.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. It was awful. But it made a good musical, I guess. Yeah, but I don't like musicals. Okay. Why did you read the book?

[Jack Cates]

Cause I love the wizard of Oz.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Then you love Wicked.

[Jack Cates]

No, they sing songs. I don't like musicals.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The wizard of Oz, they sing songs in it.

[Jack Cates]

That's different.

[Zach Galifianakis]

In what way?

[Jack Cates]

Because there was a war going on.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, I can't see so good anymore because my head's shrunken and my eyeballs are shrunken, so.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I can only see small things.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I didn't want to say anything about your shrunken head because I don't like to point out a guest's physical attributes, thank you.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I didn't point out your tiny dick. You don't point out my tiny head. That's kind of the podcast tacit agreement that we have.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, exactly. But you have a tiny, tiny head. So you can only see tiny things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you host the show with your pants off?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Look, I've been doing it for 16 years now, and it's just how I started, so. Well, why does SNL right till 5 in the morning on Tuesdays?

[Scott Aukerman]

Good point.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

So did the Salem guys get a hold of your penis and shrink it like they did to my head?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, no, that. That wasn't what happened to me. It's just been this way the entire time. So, Salem guys? What Salem guys?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, back in the 1800s, I was, you know, was eating a kid from the bed, and the Salem guys bust in and they did the whole witch trials on me. Cut my head off, boiled it in a little pot. Shrinkled it. Shrinkled it. Shriveled it down. Buried me in a cemetery. I was there for 100 years. So somebody dug me up and put me on a Barbie body.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wow. Yeah.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I mean, now I'm shrunken head baby witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I also didn't want to say your body is, like, banging. Yeah. Amazing.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

It's rock hard. Quirky little, shiny little tits.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Can I punch those? Can I punch you in the dick?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Can I punch you in the dick?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Sure.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Same time.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Same time.

[Jack Cates]

That was like the end of Rocky.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Rocky 3, whatever. We turned into a painting.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Scott, why is my fist covered in blood?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Why is your little dick pop? Why is every bone in my hand broken right now?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, yeah, I put a fortification spell on my little Barbie body.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Keep me safe.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That makes sense.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I used to be, you know. Oh, the little girl who found me back in the. Whatever, the 80s, from the ancient burial ground. She played with me and took good care of me. But then, you know, when she went away to college, I was.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What was that little girl's name?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Pamela Adlon.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Pamela. Wait, from. From Greece, too.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah.

[Jack Cates]

Yeah. Wow.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Amazing.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So what have you been doing since the 80s?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, then when my little girl went away to college, they.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You had a little girl?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

The little girl who found me put me on a Barbie body.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. Pamela Adlon. Yes. Sorry.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Then they, you know, the parents threw me out and I went into a garbage truck and it ripped off my Barbie arms.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah, I was getting mangled in there. No, really, what I'm working with now is courtesy of the dump truck guy. He gave me a car key for one arm and a chapstick for the other.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Tits of a Barbie arm of a car key.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. You know, so. So then what happened after that? This is still in the. This is like in the 90s or. When is this?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, this is. This was, I guess, you know, only about a year ago that I finally escaped because, you see, my mouth was sewn shut, so I couldn't do spells until the garbage man opened my mouth.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. Who. Who was that from?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

These pervert. You probably know him.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, who?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I don't know. Oh, don't you know all the sick pervert garbage guys?

[Zach Galifianakis]

No, I. It's not really. Those aren't the circles I run. Really? Yeah, yeah. No witches, no pervert garbage truck guys.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Oh.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Necessarily.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Interesting.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So. So this was just a year ago and already you're a supervising producer on a huge movie. Yeah, actually, Zach, this is how it's done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Need a hit.

[Zach Galifianakis]

This is how. It's so.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'm lucky though, because one of my arms is a car key, so it's easier for me to get around.

[Jack Cates]

Do you need a battery for your fob?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

It's an old school car key. So I just kind of put it in and I crank it. You know what I'm talking about?

[Zach Galifianakis]

All right, let's hop. All right. That was more like a high 10. We high fived on one and low fived on the other.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was cool.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

That was the sound of my hand slapping your hand and then my knee kind of hitting your little knee because we're both wearing shorts.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, that's right.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

And yours have the crotchless part.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, obviously.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Anyways, the garbage man who took me home and gave me the car key for one hand, the chapstick for the other. Then when he fell asleep, of course, I stole his car. I drove around town. I saw that there was audition casting call for Wicked.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So you.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

And I thought, I'm a shrunken headed baby witch, I should audition for this.

[Zach Galifianakis]

So you auditioned for what? What parts?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, I went all the way to the Chem Reads with Cynthia Rivo and Ariana Grande.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Right. Was. So for what part though?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Because Ariana, she plays the little pink one.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. So. But she was there at the Chem Read.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Even though you were up for her.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah, because they were kind of maybe toying with it being two little pink girls. It was gonna be Wicked colon. Two little pink girls.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. I think they made the right decision. I don't know.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

They made. So now it's just wicked colon. One pink girl, one green girl.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, right. Okay, got it.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

But anyways, yeah, they didn't cast me because they said they wanted little, but I was too little.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, Ariana Grande is like 4:1, I think.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah, she's pretty small and I'm about the size of a quarter.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, you're a Barbie.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

My head's a quarter and my body's a Barbie.

[Jack Cates]

And yeah, only compared to you is she a grumpy.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Exactly.

[Zach Galifianakis]

She's a venti tall.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

She.

[Zach Galifianakis]

She's a. Oh, whoa, whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I thought we were ripping.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No, no. These are our Oscar nominated actors. Jack doesn't like that kind of talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not about the community.

[Zach Galifianakis]

No. The acting community is sacred around these parts.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I didn't know. I'm sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Little respect, please.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, this. I mean, what an incredible story. So what kind of info did you impart upon the movie Wicked?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, I became a consulting producer. Teach them how witches really live. And it's a shame, though, because I really wanted that part. My kid still sings all the songs.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, I mean, look, Gravity, I don't.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Know, working against me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I don't know that that's in Gravity. I think you're just singing a John Mayer song.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'm singing Gravity, which is the hit song of Wicked.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, yeah. You seen Wicked, Zach?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have not yet.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, it must be in your calendar, though, for when you're going, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna see it tonight.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Tonight? Oh, great.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Show me your calendar. Okay, if it's not written and it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not true, it's my car.

[Zach Galifianakis]

H. Show me your car.

[Scott Aukerman]

My car is outside if you want to go.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Show me outside. Cash me outside.

[Jack Cates]

Oh, how about that?

[Scott Aukerman]

You got me. You got me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Hey, let's all high five my dick. Ow. Well, this is. I mean, such.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Please see Wicked.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We got to see Wicked.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

It's in theaters everywhere. You get your theater.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Do you think they did a good job with all the witch stuff or are there any inaccuracies?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, I try to tell them. You know, I would try to give advice to Cynthia Rivo. You gotta stand a certain way when you're a witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

How is that?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, because when you ride your broom so much, you get something called a dusty inner wart.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay. On your knees like some Sort of chafing against the broom or something.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Chaffing. Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, okay.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

It's like chaffing.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Was I saying it wrong?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

You were saying. You said it different. It's chaffing.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, you pronounce it all right. Chaffing. Okay, yeah.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Chafing. Yeah, exactly. So there's chafing on the inside of the leg from where the. So you had said chaffing, which is.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, I said chaffing. I'm sorry, that was incorrect. Okay.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

So anyways, the witch's work comes from when it chaps, you know, on the broomstick. So if you're gonna act convincingly as a witch, you have to stand a certain way.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Sort of bow legged. Just kind of bow legged.

[Jack Cates]

Yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Am I saying words wrong?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Did you guys ever get an IQ test done? Because I think there's something wrong with. With you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I. I bet that we could reach 200 together. What do you think about that? Do you think we could.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is. What is seen as like, thick? What is a thick.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Like thick with two Cs, thick with stupid.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Like what that ass do?

[Scott Aukerman]

What. What's a low number? Where you're kind of considered. That's not good.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I think anything below 100, you're. You know, you're. You're not. But you're not doing well.

[Scott Aukerman]

So 105 is.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I mean, I wouldn't brag about it, but it's. It's probably nothing to write home about, but it's nothing to be ashamed about either. But I think between the two of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Us, we could probably.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Family Feud style. We could get up to 200.

[Scott Aukerman]

We could get Steve Harvey.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We could win the big money. Get Steve Harvey. Have him administer the test.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that guy so much.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, this. This is a good idea, Zach. We gotta put this together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever had Steve Harvey on the show? Not to.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I. I haven't. I would love to have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Love Family.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Steve Harvey did a lot of fun up things in Hollywood.

[Scott Aukerman]

He did.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

And I don't think you should let him on the podcast.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Really? What? I mean, we haven't heard about this.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Well, he produced all of the movies and he was. He was.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You know, he produced the Wicked movies.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Steve Harvey is the biggest producer that we have. He's in prison now.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What? Steve Harvey's. I haven't read the trades today. He's in prison?

[Jack Cates]

Yep.

[Zach Galifianakis]

For what? What did. What happened?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Rose McGowan, all the girls came forward and it's over for Steve Harvey. No more Family Feud.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Dude, this is a Different Harvey. I'm pretty sure this is a guy whose Harvey is his first name.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Oh, okay. So what had happened to me is when I was a shrunken head, I was buried in a turn up field, and sometimes my brain doesn't work so good.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I see. Okay, that's. Hey, that's fine. I mean, look, Zach and I, we barely have 200 between us, so, I mean, we understand as a body count. Yeah. I mean, Zach, you're up to like 175 and I have about 23, so, like, we're almost there.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

That checks out. Oh, yeah, Speaking of, I heard you're doing an investigation, and if you need someone to cast a spell to make something happen, I can help you.

[Jack Cates]

That's what I was thinking about when I was staring off into the distance. Yeah, I could use a location spell for cams.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Should we do a location spell here? Sure, sure.

[Jack Cates]

Standard witchly location spell.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Do you remember my name?

[Jack Cates]

Shrunken headed baby witch.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yes. Okay, if he passes two more times.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'll give you whatever spell you want.

[Jack Cates]

How many more times?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Two more times.

[Jack Cates]

Shrugged headed baby witch. Shrugged headed baby witch.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Ooh. Hi.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Is that part of what Just Kind.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Of turns on my magic, too?

[Jack Cates]

Adding back to my body count.

[Zach Galifianakis]

All right, so can we do a location spell here?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Sure, sure. What's the name of the guy?

[Jack Cates]

Albert Ganz.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Albert Ganz. Okay.

[Jack Cates]

For his brother, William Cherry Gans.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Okay, give me. Give me all the Gans. Where they're going, what's their plans, Tell me where location lies. If you don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Sound like there was a threat there in a second. So when does this kick in?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

About two months.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We only have 48 hours.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Say it with me. Your wife is now a monkey.

[Jack Cates]

I don't have a wife.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'm married to my job.

[Jack Cates]

My job's a monkey.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, no.

[Jack Cates]

Oh, no.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, this is bad. Bad news.

[Jack Cates]

The San Francisco Police Department is now a monkey.

[Zach Galifianakis]

All staffed by monkeys.

[Jack Cates]

Nothing tech wrong. You're gonna run all over us.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, no, this is terrible. Oh, well, I mean, we're just gonna have to wait and see if Megan Ganz writes me back about the or. Writes you back? You know, through my account.

[Jack Cates]

Yeah, if she emails during the show, I want to cancel that spell.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Well, guys, we are unfortunately running out of time. Not just in our 48 hours, but in this show. Oh. We really only have time for one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Yeah, we're gonna open the plugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he's on to the next black Copperman.

[Zach Galifianakis]

He always knows the time clock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Watch him in space it with the heat.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Hot Saucerman audio with the host, Scott Aerman. He's the copper man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Haven't you seen this act? Looking like a itty bitty tasty snack in this uniform.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Handcuffs on the screen wasted Scott, you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Know he's on the case stepping on.

[Zach Galifianakis]

The scene show stop a man moving.

[Scott Aukerman]

To the beat pop popping man he told my girl to go a block a man.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Can you believe this dude?

[Scott Aukerman]

A big talker man. A she she.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wow. I don't. I don't think I've ever been rapped about. That's good. It's exciting. That was Hot Saucerman by Chardo H. Charto. What do we think of Chardo's act?

[Scott Aukerman]

I like Chardo. Yeah, a legit singer.

[Zach Galifianakis]

It sounds like it to me. I don't know. Charto's song didn't come with a biography, but it sounds legit to me. Jack, John, Kate Scans. What do we think about Charto? I like it.

[Jack Cates]

It had a funky beat.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. You like funky beats?

[Jack Cates]

I love funky beats.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay. Shrunken headed baby witch. What do we think?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Gravity.

[Jack Cates]

Okay.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Still singing.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Gravity working against me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

All right, what do we have to plug here? Zach? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We did buy.

[Zach Galifianakis]

What's that now?

[Scott Aukerman]

We did mine.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We did my Lilu and Stitch, obviously, coming out Memorial Day weekend. We want to make sure that once the ticket sales are up, we pre buy these tickets. It's going to be. I mean, it's. It's going to be packed theaters. Yeah, I think. And you're playing a. An alien who is chasing after Stitch. I believe. And you're. You need to get Stitch back to your home planet. I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then read the script.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Did someone just say the words that you were supposed to say to you phonetically?

[Scott Aukerman]

What they do is they program. There's a chip they put in you now as an actor and.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, yeah, I heard about this chip.

[Scott Aukerman]

They just. They. All you have to do is just put it in and then.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Is it a Dorito?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Does it go up your butt?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's like a microchip.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh, so it goes in your penis from Silicon Valley.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's why I hate it because it's still stuck in my urethra. Etc. Yeah, that's where they put it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wow. Well, Alilo and Stitch is coming out. Zach needs a hit, so make sure you patronize this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought this was going to be the hit.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Podcast.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Everything's riding on this. This is promo for the hit. Yeah, yeah.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'm not riding on this. I'm writing on a broom. That's a little makeup brush.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right. Drunken headed baby. Which you want to plug this little baby brush or what do you want.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

To plug on down to the Teddy Ride Comedy Festival on February 14th. Baby.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Headed baby witch and tell ride. Telluride Comedy Festival. You ever been there?

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Got a telly to ride.

[Scott Aukerman]

They have a comedy festival?

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Itty bitty like me.

[Zach Galifianakis]

It's been going on for many a year. It's a good one too. You should go to it as. As a patron. Yeah.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Go to water park and then we.

[Scott Aukerman]

Could do you ski?

[Jack Cates]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's good skiing there.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Shrunken headed baby moguls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh yeah, that's right.

[Zach Galifianakis]

And Jack, John, Kate scans. What do you want to plug?

[Jack Cates]

I. I would say check out AP Bio now on Netflix.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Oh yeah, it moved over to Netflix. That's right.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah.

[Jack Cates]

More accessible.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Every time you come here, you plug AP Bio. Why is. Why is that?

[Jack Cates]

I like it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You like it?

[Jack Cates]

I like it.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You like it.

[Jack Cates]

It's got that guy from Always Sunny.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That's right. Your favorite Joe.

[Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I want to plug. Yeah. Head over to CBB World. We have so many great shows over there. You get the complete archive of this show. Every single episode we've ever done, as well as every live episode we've ever done, including the last tour that we did during 2024. We did 43 shows last year. Those are all up at CBB World. We also have great shows like hey Randy and who me with the Batman. Those are all CBB presents. This book changed my life. And Scott hasn't seen where we watch movies and Collegetown neighborhood. Listen ad free threedoms and the entire threedom archive. So many great things over there. And we have new action figures that are out now. We have. Speaking of. Hey Randy. We have Randy and Carissa action figures. They're on sale now. They are by FC Toys. They will. They're shipping now. You can get [e-mail] with free shipping with a US address or in Europe with cheaper import fees. @action figureseller.com we also have Sprague and Big sue and Tour exclusives of J.W. stillwater and Scott Aukerman are also available. And I think that's all I have to plug. Let's close up the old plug bag.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Open up the bag.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Driving when you find. Open up the floor. B. Whoa. That was. Let's see. Who was that? That was the Red Lounge remix by TW Bond. Thanks, guys. If you have any remixes or plug bag songs, head over to cbb world.com plugs and upload them. You'll find all the stems you need up there. And Zach, I want to thank you so much for being here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Thank you for having me. You have fulfilled your duties to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Once a year.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Once a year. I'll see you in 2020.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me apologize. I'm never a good guest and I'm sorry.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Wow. Noted and agreed with. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, as long as everybody knows.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. And that's the most I've ever talked.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I know. You did, actually.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You did a great job.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I apologize. I know that I'm not. Good.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We enjoyed you on this today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. Some good stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Some good stuff. And I have big, big, big thoughts about your career.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Need a hit.

[Zach Galifianakis]

We're gonna get you back. Shrunken headed baby witch. So good to meet you.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

So good to see you. See you in your dreams.

[Zach Galifianakis]

I've seen Wicked twice. Wait a minute. You.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah, I'll be there.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You're going to be in my dreams.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Yeah, I always am.

[Zach Galifianakis]

You wait. Every single dream I've ever had, you're there.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Every dream you've ever dreamt. Every scream you've ever scrumped.

[Jack Cates]

No, that was not a spell.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

I'll be watching you.

[Zach Galifianakis]

It rhymed. Yeah. And Jack Cates. I'm so sorry that we never found out the. The location of the.

[Jack Cates]

The Gans family reunion.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Yeah. Before the end of the show. I mean, this is terrible. Wait a minute. Bing. You've got mail.

[Jack Cates]

Jacket. Jacket.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

Hi, Scott. It's me, Megan again. The family reunion is tonight at the Denny's behind the arby's, behind the McDonald's. And it's a theme party, so make sure you dress up. See you there. Love you, Megan.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Whoosh.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

P.S.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ding.

[Shrunken Head Baby Witch]

You've got mail.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoosh.

[Jack Cates]

What's the theme? What's the theme?

[Zach Galifianakis]

We don't know the theme.

[Jack Cates]

We'll be at three Humped Camel.

[Zach Galifianakis]

That'll be a good idea. That. That'll. That'll work with any theme. All right, we'll say. Okay, we'll see you there. And we'll see you next week. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Skip the waiting room. Tirerack.com now offers convenient mobile tire installation in select areas. Simply shop tirerack.com for your next set of tires and at checkout, choose Tire Rack. Mobile tire installation. An expertly trained technician will arrive with your tires and install them on site, at home, at the office, wherever you are, you'll spend less time waiting and more time doing the things you enjoy. Tire rack.com the way tire buying should be Struggling to fall asleep?

[Scott Aukerman]

Meet the Ergo Pro Smart base from Tempur Pedic. Its gentle massage and relaxing sounds help calm your mind every night.

[Zach Galifianakis]

Save up to $500 on select adjustable mattress sets at Tempur pedic.com on Breeze Mattress Sets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only lesser savings may apply. Look around.

[Jack Cates]

You can find cars like these on Autotrader.

[Scott Aukerman]

New cars, used cars, electric cars, maybe even flying cars. Okay, no flying cars.

[Jack Cates]

But as soon as they get invented, they'll be on Autotrader. Just you wait. Auto.