Current-ish

Summary

Podcast Summary
Podcast: Comedy of the Week – Currentish
Host: Lucy Porter
Guests: John Tothill, Kyra Gray, Amy Annette
Original Air Date: July 27, 2026
Episode Theme:
A summer satire of current events, with Lucy Porter and a lively panel of comics reviewing the latest (and not-so-latest) UK and global news with wit, skepticism, and laid-back good humour.

---

Episode Overview

This episode of "Currentish" gleefully mocks summer news fatigue and political upheaval, including the UK’s new Prime Minister Andy Burnham, football fever, and oddball stories overlooked by the typical news cycle. Lucy Porter and her panel—John Tothill, Kyra Gray, and Amy Annette—blend sharp commentary, running gags, and playful audience banter, offering fun perspectives on contemporary events.

---

Main Discussion Points

1. Setting the Summer Satirical Tone

• Lucy Porter introduces the show as a picnic-friendly take on the news:
  • “Imagine the family group chat when your mum's had a couple…Think Emily Maitlis broadcasting live from her back garden with her feet in the paddling pool…” (00:02)
• Political climate and sports disappointment:
  • England didn’t “bring football home” but “dropped it off at the top of the road”; the US and Iran are “committed to peace talks right after they finish sending each other strongly worded invitations disguised as missiles.” (00:02–01:38)

2. Policies, Plastic Bags, and Everyday Annoyances

• Kyra Gray's dream Prime Minister policy:
  • Outraged at paying for paper bags in shops:
    • “Someone needs to get stoned in the square. I'm not having it.” (02:21)
  • Lighthearted group call for draconian justice for public nuisances:
    • “Death penalty for charging for paper bags and for playing your music out loud on trains…unless you’re insane.” (02:41–03:41)

3. Awkward Job Beginnings

• John Tothill recounts his disastrous start as a year-four teacher:
  • “There are certain classrooms you walk past at school and think, it's not that those children aren't learning, those children are forgetting. And that was me every day for about six months.” (04:23)

4. Humbling "Achievements"

• Amy Annette’s school superlative:
  • “Most Likely to be the Prime Minister’s Wife. I went to a girls school…Watch out, Mrs. Burnham.” (05:54)
  • Lucy’s retort about female PMs and public perceptions of leadership.

---

Central Topic: Andy Burnham, the New Prime Minister

5. Burnham's Political Persona & Style (06:18–10:36)

• Love Island-themed TikTok mockery.

• Casual style, no neckties:

  • John: “Andy Burnham is the kind of man, if he caught you smoking weed as a teenager, he wouldn’t tell your parents, but next time he saw you, he'd have a long chat with you about mental health.” (07:12)
  • Joke about giving speeches without notes being a risky “father of the bride” move (07:37).
  • Debate over whether a PM should wear a tie, with John self-deprecating as “the most conservative man in Britain.” (08:28)

• Relatable footwear chat:

  • Burnham’s “Clarks” shoes spark debate that shoe shops are all either called “Shoe” or don’t sell what’s on the sign (“Boots”, “Superdrug”). (09:11–10:39)

6. Burnham’s Policies & Government Composition (11:06–15:59)

• Hospitality business rates, pub support:

  • “I want the pubs to know the cavalry are coming.” (11:06)

• Labour Cabinet changeover:

  • Rachel Reeves out, Angela Rayner, Ed Miliband, Yvette Cooper, Wes Streeting in.
  • Missed opportunity for a truly "Manchester" cabinet: “Imagine a PMQs, and you're a Tory looking over, and it’s just Noel Gallagher staring you deep into the eyes.” — Amy Annette (14:05)
  • Insight on party networks (Labour Together/Think Labour) and “nonsense” government roles—the Duchy of Lancaster is compared to being “the person who brings the crisps.” (15:23–15:44)
  • Mean-girl-esque appointments: “Everyone who undermined Starmer…have been given roles in this cabinet…mean girl-esque and I respect it so much.” — Amy Annette (15:59)

• VAT policy gaffe:

  • Porter skewers Burnham’s unallocated money for new policies: “So the cash will have to be recovered from something else that was never going to happen.” (16:32)

---

Cultural Events

7. Football and the World Cup (17:38–21:37)

• Kyra’s take on World Cup unity and stress:
  • “Whenever we have the World cup and Love Island going on at the same time, there's…an air of harmony.”
  • “That semi final game? 90% sure this is why men are losing their hair—it’s football…not your wife, Jonathan, it’s ‘cause you support Hull.” (18:43)
• Jude Bellingham, fan affection, and the new “nice boys” of football.
  • Lucy: “What I enjoy is men who are nice to their mothers…they are a lovely generation, this, aren’t they?” (21:08)
• Audience brings up cultural differences and football mania turning even calm fans into Margaret Thatcher.

---

Short News Stories – “It’s Not the Size…”

8. Roundtable of Quirkier News (22:44–26:30)

• Amy Annette: Andrew Tate’s Miami arrest

  • Arrested wearing “an outfit made for Cilla Black that he has stretched upon his body…he looks insane.” (23:27)
  • Lucy: “If you’ve never seen Andrew Tate, imagine if the Plasticine character Morph had made some really bad life choices.” (23:48)

• Kyra Gray: Labrador 'Tokio' rescued after eating edibles

  • “He just wanted a night out with the lads and he bit off more than he could chew.” (24:32)
  • Lucy: “He did make an absolutely full recovery…managed to make it to the garage at the end of the road for some Rizzlers.” (25:06)

• John Tothill: South Korean bank cartoon-money embezzlement

  • “He would go down to the bank vault and slowly replace the banknotes with cartoon banknotes…cartoon penguins on these…When found out, staff wanted him to just give the money back.” (25:25)

• Lucy Porter: Academic debate over penises on the biotapestry

  • “How can we be sure that was an arrow he got in his eye?” (26:25)
  • Two professors counting, rivaling penis tallies, raising the question about medieval scholarship.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I think the audience probably would be in favor of the death penalty for a lot of people playing music out loud on trains.” — Lucy Porter (02:52)
• “Andy Burnham is the kind of man, if he caught you smoking weed as a teenager, he wouldn’t tell your parents, but next time you see him, he’d have a long chat with you about mental health.” — John Tothill (07:12)
• “It’s scary. Maybe I'll just elect a fascist, shall I? If you're not going to wear a bloody tie!” — John Tothill (08:28)
• “That semi-final game—I’m like 90% sure this is why men are losing their hair…it’s not your wife, Jonathan, it’s ‘cause you support Hull.” — Kyra Gray (18:44)
• “If you've never seen Andrew Tate, imagine if the Plasticine character Morph had made some really bad life choices.” — Lucy Porter (23:48)
• “Medievalist Professor Garnet says there are 93 penises [on the biotapestry], 88 belonging to horses and five to men…It does answer the question, could I get a PhD in looking at medieval cocks? The answer is yes.” — Lucy Porter (26:25)

---

Key Timestamps

• 00:02 – Lucy’s summer news tone-setter and panel intro
• 02:21 – Kyra’s policy wish: ban on charging for bags
• 04:02 – John’s first day as a teacher
• 05:54 – Amy’s “Most Likely to be the Prime Minister’s Wife” yearbook win
• 07:12 – Andy Burnham’s political style
• 11:06 – New government: policies and pub cavalry
• 13:09 – Cabinet gossip: who’s in, who’s out
• 17:47 – Kyra on World Cup mania
• 22:44 – Amy: Andrew Tate’s sartorial misstep on arrest
• 24:17 – Kyra: Labrador and the edible mishap
• 25:25 – John: South Korean cartoon-money heist
• 26:25 – Lucy: PhD in counting penises on the biotapestry

---

Conclusion

A breezy burst of British satire, this episode skewers political theatre, celebrates unlikely sporting triumphs, and relishes the silly side of the news cycle. With a panel of comics teasing out both the absurd and profound from the week's events, listeners get a taste of summer irreverence—current, sort of, but always funny.

A must-listen for anyone who wants to feel “current-ish” without wading through the headlines themselves.

Transcript

[A]

Currentish. Hello, I'm Lucy Porter and welcome to Currentish, the show that serves you everything you need to know about current events in the summer months when you might be more interested in picnics than politics. For the next three weeks, I'm going to be joined by some fabulous fresh faced comics to chat through the week's news as well as highlighting some stories you might have missed. Will be combining my world weary cynicism with their youthful joie de vivre. Imagine the family group chat when your mum's had a couple of and finished her book on the eu. To sum up my vibe, think Emily Maitlis broadcasting live from her back garden with her feet in the paddling pool, her bra in the freezer and the Calippo instead of a microphone. It's that time of year where we've swapped our heavy winter duvet for the light summer and we've done the same for our Prime Ministers. I mean, if anything, Andy Burnham's hotter, but hey ho, England didn't manage to bring football home. But they did drop it off at the top of the road and it promised it was fine to walk the rest of the way from there. The US and Iran announced they are committed to peace talks right after they finish sending each other strongly worded invitations disguised as missiles. US Secretary of War Pete Hegson announced that the conflict with Iran has cost $37.5 billion so far. And he said he's going to need even more money explaining to Congress we live in a dangerous world. Yes, mainly because he's in it. Those are the things that I managed to gather in between sunbathing and eating kettle chips. But our wonderful guests have been digging a bit deeper. Please welcome my panel. John Tothill, Kyra Gray, Amy Annette. It's delightful to have you all here, it really is.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

And I'm going to turn to you, Kyra, first, to ask a quick question. If you were Andy Burnham, what policy? It was a dream, isn't it?

[C]

I know, I know. I get told I look like him all the time, so that's really nice.

[A]

So if you were Andy Burnham, what policy would you immediately introduce to win over the public?

[C]

Do you know what? I have a few. I do have a few. But I think my main one that I think people are most passionate about is paying for bags. I don't know how we got swindled into trying to save the planet by paying for plastic and now we're paying for paper. Yeah, you notice you're going into Primark and Zara and you're paying 40p, guys. Yeah, I don't. Someone needs to get stoned in the square. I'm not having it. Do you know what I mean? So that would be my.

[B]

No, no, no.

[C]

It's just disgusting.

[B]

I've never said stone someone in the square before, but I do want to

[C]

say it now, thank you.

[B]

I agree with you. Stone someone in the squ.

[A]

I think this audience probably would be in favor of the death penalty for a lot of the people playing their music out loud on train.

[B]

I cannot get one.

[D]

Don't you think there's a point though, where if you've got people playing music out loud and then sometimes if like a mad person brings a speaker onto a train, I find that quite life affirming. Do you know what I mean? I think. Do you know what? Absolutely. Fair enough.

[C]

But I think there's a difference there because a phone feels like you're being rude, you know, because this is your device, but you just. You just don't mind inconveniencing us. But a speaker's like, I want to invite you to my party. You know what I mean? That feels like a community. I can get behind that.

[B]

That's how far we've got that people with speakers are now the good guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

What a world.

[A]

So we've established their death penalty for charging for paper bags playing your music out loud. Unless you. You're insane.

[D]

In which case you could lead the Labour Party.

[A]

Yes. That's what Andy Burnham can do. John, obviously, speaking of new jobs, Andy Burnham's just started. What's the worst first impression you've made in a new job?

[D]

Well, before I was a comedian, I was a teacher and on my first. Don't get a boot.

[A]

What?

[D]

There's a contingent then of people who think kids shouldn't learn to read.

[A]

Or is one of your ex students with a very deep voice?

[D]

Do you know the school I used to teach at was really was around the corner from here, so it's not out of the question. It could be one of you. I made a terrible first impression because, I mean, I was one of those teachers, you know, when you walk past, like there are certain classrooms you walk past at school and you think, oh, okay, it's not that those children aren't learning, those children are forgetting. Do you know what I mean? And that was me every day for about six months. And I should be clear, I taught year four, by the way. I just can't.

[A]

Which is what? That's eight year olds, is it?

[D]

Yeah. Eight, nine years Old.

[A]

Yeah. They are the scariest at that age.

[E]

Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

They're terrifying because they've got. Because they're terrifying. They're very small, but they've now got theory of mind, do you know what I mean? They understand themselves as individuals and you as just a person.

[A]

So, Amy, as we all know, England won the third place playoff. So my question to you is, what's the most pathetic thing you've ever won?

[C]

Oh, no, no,

[B]

I'm not co signing that. I loved a boy.

[D]

Oh, no.

[B]

I feel like the most pathetic thing I've ever won is at my secondary school we got into the idea of doing a yearbook for the first time. You know, the kind of the Americanization of this, this uk. And so we did this yearbook and we got superlatives. So like Most likely to. And I got Most Likely to be the Prime Minister's Wife.

[A]

And I think it's really important for

[B]

you to know I went to a girls school. I also, you know, watch out, Mrs. Burnham,

[A]

because you're not that old. We had had a female Prime Minister by that time, famously.

[B]

And sure it didn't go well. It wasn't her gender, it was her ideas and politics.

[A]

You could be talking about any of the three there now, really.

[C]

So true.

[A]

Anyway, we'll move on. So the main headline this week was that we have a new Prime Minister. Andy Burnham was mocked for posting a Love island themed TikTok. In the video, we see Andy strolling into number 10 as a voiceover announces,

[B]

this week, a hot new bombshell enters the villa.

[A]

Do you know what? I think I am now in favor of the social media ban, but not for teenagers, just for Andy Burnham specifically. There have been mixed messages in the first week of Andy Burnham's premiership, he promised to end homelessness on the same day that he kicked an unemploy grey haired, sad old man out of the place he'd called home for the last two years. What a sad day that was. So, John, fill me in. What else has Andy been up to?

[D]

Good question. So, Andy Burnham, I mean, there's been a big stylistic shift, hasn't there? I mean, they can't change that many policies because obviously they've been elected on the same manifesto as five minutes ago. But there is something slightly stylistically different about Andy Burton. Andy Burnham is the kind of man, if he caught you smoking weed as a teenager, he wouldn't tell your parents, but next time you see him, he'd have a long chat with you about mental health. Do you know what I mean? There's a kind of approachability to him and it's all part of this. He wears a T shirt and he gave his inaugural speech without notes, without a lectern. And I know that's a gimmick, but it really works on me. I was so impressed when someone makes a speech without notes because it can go. So you can either give the most electrifying oratory you've ever seen in your life or a speech without notes can be like. It can be like a father of the bride standing up. Is he about to say his daughter looks shapely or something? Do you know what I mean? It's on a knife edge of speech without notes. And so I'm quite easily impressed.

[A]

Yeah, well, the sort of communication seems to be better. The vibe seems to be a lot more relaxed, doesn't it? And you mentioned the no shirt and tie thing. So he's not going to wear a suit except on special occasions like his daughter's wedding where he calls her shapely.

[D]

I might be about to out myself as sort of the most conservative man in Britain, but like, I think the Prime Minister should wear a tie. Do you know what I mean? And what's scary about that is there are people like me who walk around being like, right, well, maybe I'll just elect a fascist, shall I? If you're not going to, you're not going to wear a bloody tie, you know, God knows what I'll do. It's scary.

[B]

I think it'd be so embarrassing if you've never been seen wearing a tie. To turn up on the first day as Prime Minister wearing very work experience, you know, like suddenly, you know, and you're wearing your dad's suit, that doesn't really fit you.

[C]

I'm quite indifferent about it because I quite like the fact that I think he's trying to be one of the lads, do you know what I mean? I think he's trying to be like, I'm just like you, let's lower the taxes. I feel like that's his vibe and I quite like that about him. I like how normal they look.

[D]

Yes, yes, you're right. And there's a kind of. He's metropolitan in a kind of. He is laid back, but also. And it is a little bit. Try hard. Do you know where he buys his shoes? Clarks. And that's a bit suspicious, isn't it? Because that's a bit too relatable, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? It's like we all know about Clarks. I bought My school shoes in Clark. I was once told, and I quote, christ, you've got wide feet in Clarks. Maybe he has wide feet.

[A]

I love the idea of Andy Burnham there with that little machine they used to get out and. Oh, you've done very well. Just pop your foot to the back of the slidey thing and here's a lollipop. That's lovely.

[C]

But that kind of made me love him more because that's very Jamaican of him. Do you know what I mean? That's very Jamaican. By choosing Clarks vibes, Cartel has a very, very vibrant song called Clarks. Go home and search it.

[A]

I like the fact that there's a trendy song called Clarks, because my cloud stepper sandals that I'm wearing tonight are from Clark's.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Oh, I love that.

[A]

So the next time my children take the mickey out with me, I will play them a song. You know, I'm very cool, actually.

[B]

Other shoe shops are of course available.

[A]

Oh, yeah, sorry, I've gone heavily into. But then where would you buy your shoes?

[B]

Shoe Zone.

[A]

There's.

[C]

There's shut as well.

[D]

Yeah. Why are they all called just shoes?

[C]

I don't know.

[D]

It's so weird, isn't it? Shoe Zone.

[E]

Shoe.

[A]

Well, it's the classic confusion, because boots is called boots and doesn't sell boots.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So they've gone. We need to be a bit more clear.

[D]

We need to think this is shoes

[A]

very much like Andy Burnham, but then super.

[C]

Super drug's called superdrug and they ain't got no super drugs.

[A]

So what have you thought, as well as the sartorial aspect to it, and we should point out to the listeners that John is sat here wearing a full morning suit. So you're not keen on his style, but what about the policies?

[D]

On Thursday, he promised to cut business rates for hospitality venues at music clubs and stuff like that, which I think is great, obviously, I guess. But also, when he made the announcement, he said, I want the pubs to know the cavalry are coming. I thought, that's great. You couldn't imagine Keir Starmer saying that, could you? That's quite literary. There's something happy warrior like about him. He's polling now, I think, at 28%, which isn't good, but it's not unprecedentedly bad. And he's kind of. It's old Labour, you know, Old labour are back. He cares about affordable housing, he cares about transport infrastructure. And occasionally he will say something mad like, we should nationalize the picky bit section of Ms. And you think yeah, great. Old Labour's back. I can deal with them.

[A]

You know, it's like we're bringing back pubs and we, you know, are we going to tax vape shops, which is very modern, and it's all sort of bringing buses, things that we sort of know and trust, and heating, stuff that we remember now.

[C]

Youth.

[A]

Thank you. Yeah. I feel like he's one step away from saying that my knees will work again. We'll get rid of Microsoft Teams.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

God.

[A]

Yes. Oh, popular. The Opposition have said that Burnham is obsessed with Manchester, but Andy says that's unfair. He also mentioned Stockport, and he's further tried to allay fears that he's on a mission to Manchester. There is no truth in the rumour that he's changing the name of the Houses of Parliament to the Co Op Live legislative arena. So we have found out a little bit about what he's been doing, and we found out who's in. But let's think about who's out, because Keir Starmer's gone. Rachel Reeves is gone. The lectern is gone. Basically, if you were a wooden presence in British politics, you didn't survive this week. So Keir Starmer left, but who is in? Amy?

[B]

So the Cabinet. So far we know that Rachel Reeves is out. She was offered defense, but she rejected it. So instead, now that we have Angela Rayner, Ed Miliband, Yvette Cooper, Wes Streeting, Louise Haig, Hamish Faulkner, Shaban Mahmood, Pat McFadden and John Healy. But having said that, there's quite a lot of similarities, even though, like, Auntie Rayner's come back, Louise Haig's come back. And also, I know the idea is the most northern Cabinet yet, but I do think that, you know, he slightly missed an opportunity here because, you know, with Annasawa, they brought him in from Scotland as a lord, right? And when Cameron was brought in by Johnson as a lord, they showed that if you just make someone a lord, you can pretty much have anyone you like in your cabinet. We could have had the most Manchester Cabinet of all time. Okay, I'm talking Sir Alex ferguson. I'm rolling Mr. Ferguson down that Downing street red carpet. Imagine saying no to Alex Ferguson. Can you imagine?

[C]

No.

[B]

Gallagher. Obviously not. Liam, let's get. Obviously not. Liam, get Gallagher in. Or, like, one at a time, they could both be doing. Imagine a PM Qs and you're a Tory looking over, and it's just Noel Gallagher just staring you deep into the eyes.

[A]

You're not saying nothing.

[B]

I feel like they've Made a mistake

[A]

there because it'd be quite good if you got the Gallagher brothers in, because it would make the Miller bands look harmonious.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. So true. And the Bends. But a lot of the people who are now involved in Burnham's government are classic Labour heads.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Like, a lot of them are to do with this thing called Labour Together, I noticed, which is like a network, really, more than anything else. But a lot of them were, like, founding members or part of Labour Together. It's now called Think Labour, Think Labor. What's next? Ah, can we win it? Labour. I think it'd be great.

[D]

Think Labor. Sounds like a cry for help, doesn't it? Like, Think Labor. For God's sake. We got one more chance.

[B]

Yeah, he really does. And I think it is kind of that. But anyway, so they've all come together back into this cabinet. So although it feels like a new change, in many ways, it really is. I think it is a classic labor thing where so many of the same people are back.

[A]

Well, you said there's new heads and old heads, but there's new hair.

[B]

Oh, yes. And thank you for bringing it up, because it's my great obsession as someone who often dyes her hair and then regrets it. Louise Haig, very much. Burnham's sort of number one. In fact, she's made herself the.

[A]

Yes. Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster. What does that mean?

[B]

So it's a sort of nonsense. But what she has made herself is.

[A]

It's like. It feels like one of those things where everyone else gets a proper job. It's like when, you know, you go around someone's house for dinner and they clearly don't trust you to cook anything, so they say you can bring the crisps.

[C]

Is that what that is?

[A]

Yeah, that's what that is.

[B]

Oh, John.

[A]

Yeah, that's what that is.

[C]

I'm always on crisps and ice.

[B]

You've ever been asked for ice?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, John, no, dips.

[C]

Dips drawn.

[D]

No, I'm not trusted with this.

[B]

And I should say nonsense role. That's obviously not a political statement I feel comfortable making, but I've made it now. No, she has made herself the person that everyone reports to. She's like the head of all the Secretaries of State. It's very chic to do. Oh, my God. I love the way that Burnham's done it. He very much by the rule. My enemy's enemy is John Healy. It's a fantastic one. Everyone who undermines Starmer in some way by leaving early or saying that he should leave, have been given roles in, in this cabinet which I think is, you know, mean girl esque and I respect it so much.

[A]

I mean some of the first things that he's done. The new Prime Minister's plan to cut VAT on household energy bills was going to be funded with money from the abandoned plans to introduce digital id. But it turns out that nothing was ever allocated to that. So the cash will have to be recovered from something else that was never going to happen. So suggestions for that? The victory parade for the England World cup squad. Maybe the HS2 station in Leeds, money going there. Or the wrap party for the Scott Mills Breakfast Show. Now we have talked about Andy Burnham. I'm now going to move on to a subject that I know very little about. Right. Kyra, you have been looking at the World cup and I am warning you in advance, I need all of your help when it comes to talking about football. I will be honest with you. This World cup, it, lots of it happened after my bedtime. Also it was full. There was about 150 nations playing in it. And I was like, I am not going to stay up till one in the morning to watch Vatican City versus Narnia.

[D]

Right.

[A]

So I need you to fill me in. Cairo, what did you enjoy about the World Cup?

[C]

Oh, I really just enjoyed. I felt like it really brought everyone together. Like, did everyone watch the World Cup? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys enjoyed it? Yeah. Honestly, I feel like whenever we have the World cup and Love island going on at the same time, there's just like a, there's an air of harmony. So much to talk about, you know, there's just so much to gossip about and I love that. And I will admit, like, as, as it started to get a bit more, it started to become more of a possible idea that England could win it and there were more England flags in the street. It was a bit scary, you know, because you don't know whether they want it to come home or if they're telling me to go home. So I think that was it for me. It's a big thing, you know, but like I'm really proud of the England team because I think this is the furthest we've gotten since like 1966 or something like that. So I feel like we really need to applaud them for that. But I will say that semi final game, yeah, I'm like 90% sure this is why men are losing their hair. It's football. Like, it's not your wife, Jonathan. It's because you support Hull. Do you Know what I mean? I don't know how you guys do it. I was so stressed out, I wanted to jump through the screen and put someone in a headlock. And to be honest, that probably would have fit in quite well with the way Argentina was playing. I didn't know what was going on. It was just very rough. People were getting punched. It was just really gross to see, man. I was Spanish in the final. I don't care. I don't care what anyone's got to say. Hola, hola, Si. Yeah, don't care. I know Tuchel got a lot of, like, backlash. People were saying he wasn't playing the right players. And I do agree. We didn't see Saka once. Then you play him in the best losers match, Saka scores a hat trick. I was fuming, right? But I was really proud of them because I think it was just such a beautiful moment. And it was really nice for us all to witness as well. Jude Bellingham.

[A]

The whole audience has went, aww.

[B]

But I think it's very important for us to remember that he is, like, 23, 24. I know you made. You said aw, which is the right noise, but I'm talking to myself and

[C]

my own thoughts remind me, Remind me yeah, remind me. I really love Jude Bellingham and Harlan's relationship. I thought it was so cute to witness their little friendship. Them just on the rubbing foreheads. How romantic is that? Do you know what I mean? I've never had a man do that to me before. I just wanted them. I wanted Harlan to lift Jude in the air and fulfill the Dirty Dancing fantasy that we all had. Cause that was. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

I was having a blast.

[C]

Oh, it was just so nice.

[D]

My flatmate is Spanish. And in the final, every time one of the Spanish players passed the ball to someone else under her breath, she kept going. My boyfriend. My boyfriend.

[A]

There was another one of the Spanish players who put his World cup medal around his mum's neck. Oh. And that was. See, because I don't have any interest in footballers sexually at all. I will be. I mean, they'll be relieved, I would think. But I do, you know, I look, I do. I look at young men. I think I could teach them things in the bedroom they've never dreamt of. But no, literally just mean changing their sheets. That's all I'm talking about. I do not enjoy the younger men. What I enjoy is men who are nice to their mothers. Now, that's what gets me every time. And they are a lovely generation. This, aren't they? They're nice boys.

[D]

They were so gracious, weren't they? And so. And you compare it to the behavior of the Argentinians, it brings out your inner Margaret Thatcher, doesn't it? Could we take it back again?

[A]

You're in a. Margaret Thatcher is never that far from.

[D]

I've come on national radio to go, the Prime Minister should work tie and I feel like Margaret Thatcher. Thank you.

[A]

We've talked about the World cup, but the sport doesn't end there. The Commonwealth Games kicked off in Glasgow on Thursday after Australia pulled out of hosting the slimmed down line. Up has meant some sports, such as cricket and the triathlon have been cut. But some traditional Scottish sports have been added, including spot your husband shopping and hide the camper van. Donald Trump has signed a landmark deal that will allow Saudi Arabia to develop a civilian nuclear program. A despotic ruler with no respect for women has now signed a deal with Saudi Arabia. The deal only allows Saudi Arabia to use the technology for energy programs, not weapons. A security measure as airtight as the warning on a box of cotton buds telling you not to put them in your ears. So we've talked about the main news, but here at Currentish, we don't just want to cover the big hitters. I've also asked my panel to bring along a smaller story that caught their eye because it's not the size, it's what you do with it. So, Amy, let's have a quick listen to what you want to tell us about.

[B]

Yes, I was talking about Andrew Tate, which is one of those sort of fun stories where the minute you sort of actually think about it for even half a second, you think that's very bad. But it's true. Andrew Tate and his brother have been arrested in Miami.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

They've been arrested by, obviously, the US Justice Department for extradition to the UK because of cases brought against him by the Bedfordshire police. It's important for us to remember that the UK should bear some responsibility for Andrew Tay and his brother and his ilk because he grew up in Luton.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So do think about that next time you're getting an EasyJet flight. You're at the home of Tate Hood. But the story is.

[A]

Hahaha.

[B]

Because what he was wearing when he was arrested can only be described as an outfit made for Cilla Black that he has stretched upon his body. Okay. Because he's wearing a silky purple shirt. Right. Tight beyond belief. Okay. Tricia would have looked fantastic in this shirt. That's what I'm trying to Say, but he looks insane.

[A]

Because if you've never seen Andrew Tate, imagine if the Plasticine character Morph had made some really bad life choices.

[B]

Actually, no one has described him better, Lucy.

[A]

That's exactly right. And he is, you know, he set himself up as a role model for confused young men, but at least this week he was a role model for those of us who aren't sure if we've still got the ankle to carry off a Capri pant. Well, that is a great story to cover because he is a pathetic man. Kyra, what story caught your eye?

[C]

Oh, I saw this story about a cute Labrador. His name is Tokio, and he had to get rescued from the tallest mountain in Scotland because he accidentally ate an edible.

[A]

That's edible marijuana for.

[C]

That's edible marijuana for the non drug listeners. And first of all, accidentally. Do you know what I mean? Personally, I feel like Tokyo wanted a good time, right? And I think he just didn't know how much to put in it, you know, understandably. I just feel like he wanted a night out with the lads and he took. He bit off more than he could chew. So, yeah, that's my favorite story.

[A]

I think it was a good, gorgeous little story. I mean, and obviously we feel really sorry for Tokyo, but we should point out that he did make an absolutely full recovery.

[C]

Oh, he's fine.

[A]

Yeah, better than fine, actually. He managed to make it to the garage at the end of the road for some Rizzlers.

[D]

I bet he ate a lot of dog treats that day.

[A]

Yeah, Labrador is the worst dog to be stoned. Right? Surely they're hungry. Anyway, so, John, you've got a lovely story to share with us.

[E]

Yes.

[D]

I don't know if you've seen this, but a South Korean bank manager was found to have embezzled 70 million Korean won, $45,000 worth of banknotes. And the way that he pulled off this heist is at the bank he worked at. He would go down to the bank vault and slowly replace the banknotes with cartoon banknotes. And I mean, like cartoon banknotes. I mean, these aren't even vaguely realistic. You can see pictures of them and they're like cartoon penguins on these other things. And then eventually, when he was finally found out, he was so popular at the place where he worked that they decided they were going to try and resolve it internally. Just give the money back. We all like you. They sold $45,000. Just give it back. And then eventually someone said, no, I think this is maybe a police matter, actually. He stole tens of thousands of pounds, you know, but it's a good idea for it. It's a good idea for John Healey's fiscal black hole problem, isn't it? Cartoon money.

[A]

Yeah. Well, there we go. There's a way to fix the economy right there with cartoon notes. A little story that I loved, which you may not have seen, was that, obviously, we all know the biotapestry is back on British soil for the first time in nearly a thousand years. But an academic debate has been raging about how many penises are depicted on it, obviously prompting the question, how can we be sure that was an arrow he got in his eye? Just to fill you in, it's brilliant. There's two rival professors, right? So medievalist Professor Garnet says there are 93 penises, 88 belonging to horses and five to men, which very much like a Gilly Cooper novel, really, isn't it? But rival tapestry scholar Dr. Monk believes he has found a 94th. But it does answer the question, could I get a PhD in looking at medieval cocks? The answer is yes. Thanks to our excellent panel and our sensational studio audience. That's everything you need to know to stay Currentish this week. Goodbye. Currentish was hosted by Lucy Porter with guest comics John Tothill, Kyra Gray and Amy Annette. It was written by Lucy Porter, Ruth Husko and Katie Sayer, with additional material by Lorna Reader and Mike Shepard. The producer was Katie Sayer and it was a Mighty bunny production for BBC Radio 4. Hello, it's Lucy Porter here. If you liked that episode of Currentish, you can hear new episodes every Friday on BBC Sounds. Just search Friday night comedy.

[E]

Could you talk about being invisible or double denim? Who knows what's next on the new series of Just a Minute.

[A]

Belting out a rendition of Golden Belm.

[E]

Whatever the topic, our panel has just a minute to speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Join Zoe Lyons, Desiree Birch, Paul Merton and many more for the new series of Just a Minute With Me Superkins.

[C]

It's funny because it's true.

[D]

Listen on Radio 4 and the full

[E]

box set is available now on BBC Sounds.