Dead Ringers

Summary

Comedy of the Week – Dead Ringers (July 13, 2026)
Host: BBC Radio 4
Episode Overview:
This episode of Dead Ringers delivers a riotous blend of political and pop-cultural satire, lampooning issues from global politics and sports to the enduring quirks of British life. Using rapid-fire impersonations, absurd premises, and a mocking, irreverent tone, the cast seamlessly navigates the big narratives — including imagined international football crises, political resignations, and surreal investigative journalism — all while skewering familiar public figures with wickedly smart writing.

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Episode Highlights & Key Segments

1. Trump’s “FIFA Peace Prize” & World War with Belgium

• [00:04] Donald Trump (impersonated) opens with bombastic bravado, declaring himself winner of the “FIFA FIFA Peace prize” for stopping “10 terrible vars,” lampooning his self-importance and entwining football lingo with international politics.
  • Quote: “Who cares about getting the Nobel Peace prize for stopping 10 terrible wars, because I actually got the more prestigious FIFA FIFA Peace prize for stopping 10 terrible vars.” (Donald Trump, 00:12)
• He launches into a farcical tale of reversing "red cards" and stirring up a pretend war with Belgium, complete with “Operation Epic Tintin” and a threat from “nuclear enriched chocolate waffle.”
  • Quote: "Let’s find out if the Islamic state of Belgium has a soft center." (Donald Trump, 01:26)

2. Nigel Farage & The Clacton By-Election Shambles

• [02:38–04:22] A spoof Radio 4 interview covers Farage’s resignation and intent to trigger a by-election, poking fun at his perennial victimhood and fixation on money.
  • Quote: “The only people who can judge Big Nige are the good people of Clacton in this by election?” (Nigel Farage, 03:39)
• Media accusations, “lamestream media” jabs, and surreal references to Count Binface’s media presence add a flavorful, chaotic edge.
  • Quote: "You’re blatantly biased towards Count Binface. He’s on the BBC all the ruddy time, whereas I am never on it." (Nigel Farage, 04:08)

3. Football Follies: England, Tuchel & the Three Lions

• [04:33–06:32] Gary Lineker and Thomas Tuchel parody a Netflix football show, with Tuchel taking the metaphors literally:
  • Quote: “If a player did have three lions on their shirt, that would add over half a metric ton to their body weight, significantly affecting their speed and agility." (Thomas Tuchel, 05:34)
• The Jules Rimet trophy is turned into a literal corpse, and fans are urged not to overreact:
  • Quote: "But if we lose, try not to react too badly. Do you think that’s possible, Gary?" (Thomas Tuchel, 06:17)
  • Gary’s response: “No, Thomas.” (06:28)

4. Star Wars Parody – Trump, Darth Vader, Boris Johnson

• [06:37–08:02] Trump intervenes in a Star Wars tribunal, overturns decisions, and claims to be Luke’s godfather in a gleefully nonsensical crossover.
  • Quote: "So do not underestimate the power of the Donald side." (Donald Trump, 07:56)

5. Wimbledon: Ferry Ferry & North Sea Horror

• [08:15–09:58] Claire Balding, Tim Henman, and Andy Murray are dispatched to “Ferry Ferry,” a ghostly fan zone adrift in the North Sea, mixing tennis commentary with atmospheric, Lovecraftian dread.
  • Quote: "We’re lost in the North Sea. Night has fallen and there are shapes in the mist, Claire." (Andy Murray, 09:31)
  • Quote: "My biggest concern, Claire, is that we only have tennis rackets to defend ourselves, and I’m not very good with those." (Tim Henman, 09:51)

6. Aled Jones and The Satirical Cake/Dog Show

• [10:05–12:18] Radio classical host Aled Jones attempts to introduce Wagner’s “Tristan und Isolde,” only for the scene to collapse into a rural cake-vs-dog-show dispute — which Trump once again overturns via “the FIFA Agricultural Disciplinary Committee.”
  • Quote: "I just had a phone call with my good friend at the Farming and Countryside Advisory. She told the FIFA Agricultural Disciplinary Committee to overturn Linda’s decision.” (Donald Trump, 11:38)

7. “Edmill Brando”: The Rebel Without a Clue Chancellor

• [12:29–14:37] Ed Miliband’s “bad boy” persona is parodied in a Sky News interview, as he rebuffs concern over his suitability:
  • Quote: “Hey, I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t brush his teeth sometimes just for the hell of it. Or won’t wear his seatbelt on an airplane.” (Ed Miliband, 13:29)
• He closes with an over-the-top rebellion against all norms:
  • Quote: “I’m a rebel without a clue.” (Ed Miliband, 14:04)

8. World Cup: Michael Caine as Harry Kane

• [14:37–16:41] Michael Caine impersonates Harry Kane, explaining he’s standing in for post-match interviews due to Kane’s lost voice.
  • Quote: “No, Gabby, I am not [Harry Kane]. Allow me to explain. When Harry Kane lost his voice [...] he’s asked me to do all his interviews...” (Michael Caine, 15:00)
  • Amusing meta-commentary ensues about Caine’s inability to “capture” Kane’s essence.

9. Royal Family Reunion – Long Lost Family

• [16:48–18:50] The British monarchy’s dysfunction gets the “Long Lost Family” treatment. Charles bemoans Andrew’s Newsnight scandal and Harry’s retreat to California, only for Trump to intervene and rescind reunion offers.
  • Quote: “He was sick of the cameras being constantly pointed in his face, so he retreated to the peace and quiet of California to have Netflix constantly point their cameras in his face.” (Charles, 18:10)
  • Quote: “No, that was me.” (Donald Trump, 18:50)

10. Boris Johnson’s NATO Meltdown

• [18:57–21:45] A tired Boris Johnson, nearing the end of his leadership, finally speaks with total candor at an international summit:
  • Quote: "I just can’t be arsed with this anymore..." (Boris Johnson, 19:54)
  • Quote: "It's really important to point out that I have absolutely no bloody idea. Not the foggiest." (Boris Johnson, 20:27)
  • Dismissing Trump as “a twat” signals full comedic irreverence.
  • Quote: “Trump is a twat.” (Boris Johnson, 21:19)

11. Investigative Satire: To Catch a King

• [21:54–24:58] The “To Catch a King” parody lampoons true crime podcasts, with Sue and Rob’s melodramatic attempts to catch FIFA’s Infantino and, ultimately, Trump.
  • Quote: “Suddenly, because of editing, Rob has spotted our quarry, one of the most loathsome individuals even we have ever come across.” (Sue Mitchell, 23:12)
  • Features surreal editing gags and escapes from “dangerous” forests and alligators.

12. By-Election Finalists – Count Binface/Liz Truss Reveal

• [25:06–26:56] A spoof interview with “Count Binface” (revealed as Liz Truss) lampoons ridiculous manifestos and populist pivots.
  • Quote: "Sensible policies for a better Britain." (Count Binface, 25:51)
  • Quote: "Good Lord, it’s you." (Justin Webb, 26:29)
  • Liz Truss (as Lizface): “I’m also pledging to scrap traffic lights so everyone can get to work much quicker. And I’m going to put everyone’s houses on high stilts so that the deep state can’t get us.” (Sue Mitchell as Lizface, 26:49)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Trump’s self-parody in blending global crises, football, and braggadocio:
  • “We have proof Belgium’s President, Mr. Hercul Poirot, has developed a nuclear enriched chocolate waffle...” (Donald Trump, 01:20)
• Wimbledon’s surreal “Ferry Ferry” and Andy Murray’s deadpan:
  • “I think they're the spirits of long dead sailors that have come to lure us into the fog...” (Andy Murray, 09:31)
• Boris Johnson’s comic candor:
  • “Ask Manky Burnham. Seeing as you all love him so much, perhaps he can set up an OnlyFans account...” (Boris Johnson, 20:41)
• Ed Miliband’s absurdist cool:
  • “Now eat dust, you squares. Edmill Brando is coming through.” (Ed Miliband, 14:19)
• Liz Truss as Count Binface unmasked:
  • “Did you miss me? And I’m also pledging to scrap traffic lights so everyone can get to work much quicker.” (Lizface, 26:46)

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Tone & Style

• Language: Fast-paced, absurdist, and sharply satirical.
• Tone: Irreverent, self-aware, and gleefully mocking of news and public figures.

Timestamps of Key Segments

• [00:04] Trump’s “FIFA Peace Prize” monologue
• [02:38] Farage’s By-Election riff
• [04:33] Lineker & Tuchel’s football segment
• [06:37] Star Wars crossover
• [08:15] Wimbledon (Ferry Ferry)
• [10:05] Aled Jones/Cake-Dog Show swap
• [12:29] Ed Miliband’s “Rock’n’Roll” interview
• [14:37] Michael Caine as Harry Kane
• [16:48] Royal Family/Long Lost Family
• [18:57] Boris Johnson at NATO
• [21:54] To Catch a King podcast
• [25:06] Count Binface/Liz Truss interview reveal

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Conclusion

This episode of Dead Ringers is a tour de force of comic mimicry, skewering the week’s news and popular culture through clever impersonations and outlandish scenarios. The writing dances nimbly between satire and surrealism, with each impression layered in wit and acute political commentary — proof, perhaps, that if the world is mad, laughter might just be the only sane response.

Transcript

[Donald Trump]

Shut up, losers. The Donald is rambling.

[Rob Lowrey]

Now,

[Donald Trump]

this week I have once again proved why I am your all time favorite president ever. Who cares about getting the Nobel Peace prize for stopping 10 terrible wars, because I actually got the more prestigious FIFA FIFA Peace prize for stopping 10 terrible vars. What an epic week it's been for the Donald. Unbelievable. First, I reversed the red card from America's Bosnia game. Then I reversed the ceasefire from America's Iran game, and now it's straight to penalties and a shootout in the straight of Hormuz. But the football red card was easy to reverse. Easy because the Donald's very good friends with the FIFA bus. Mr. Infantino.

[Justin Webb]

Infantino.

[Donald Trump]

I knew him when he was just a coffee. I called him up. It was a perfect call, actually, because I'm an expert on soccer, or as they call it in Europe, hockey. But then Belgium. Nasty Belgium. They won the game. 4:1, totally rigged result. The worst steal since the 2020 election. JD Vance tells me sleepy Joe Biden was the referee and crooked Hillary was on var. They're scum. We are now at war with Belgium. My secretary for hangovers, Pete Hegseth, has launched Operation Epictintin. We have proof Belgium's President, Mr. Hercul Poirot, has developed a nuclear enriched chocolate waffle capable of being delivered anywhere across the globe within 15 minutes. Let's find out if the Islamic state of Belgium has a soft center.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Dead ringers.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

You're listening to the World at One with me, Sarah Montague. Look, it's hot, you're working from home, but you could at least put some trousers on. Nigel Farage has stunned Westminster by standing down as MP for Clacton. Mr. Farage joins me now.

[Tim Henman]

No, no, no.

[Nigel Farage]

Let me resign.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Yes, yes, you have resign, Mr. Farage, but only so you can trigger a by election at which you're going to stand.

[Nigel Farage]

Oh, here we go. Why must I be constantly scrutinized by you lot over every single little thing that I do?

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Little thing? This is quite big news.

[Tim Henman]

And there we go.

[Nigel Farage]

You had to bring my family into it, didn't you?

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

I didn't say anything about your family.

[Tim Henman]

No, no, no.

[Nigel Farage]

Let me wallow in victimhood. You vultures in the media always go after the one thing Big Nige treasures more. Anything else?

[Sue Mitchell]

Are we back on your family again?

[Nigel Farage]

No, love. My money.

[Justin Webb]

What did it ever do wrong, that sweet, innocent money?

[Nigel Farage]

All it ever wanted was to live away from the spotlight of constant media attention. But you lot in the lamestream media wouldn't allow it. The only people who can judge Big Nige are the good people of Clacton in this by election?

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Your 5 million pound donation was reported to the National Crime Agency, so I'm

[Nigel Farage]

sure they can also no to the people of Clacton. And a biolectric can judge me.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

I don't think that's how it works.

[Nigel Farage]

Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? Bloody BBC. You're blatantly biased towards Count Binface. He's on the BBC all the ruddy time, whereas I am never on it.

[Sue Mitchell]

Mr. Farage.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Thank you.

[Nigel Farage]

There you go, bringing my family into it again for no reason. You total Barfstones.

[Gary Lineker]

Hello, I'm Gary Lineker and welcome to the Rest. Is football on Netflix? And no, I can't believe that no one's told me this. Goatee makes me look like I run a Bangkok ping pong bar yet either. England are gearing up for their quarter final showdown with Norway. And I'm delighted to be joined by the England manager, Thomas Tuchel.

[Thomas Tuchel]

Hello once more, Gary.

[Gary Lineker]

After that thrilling win against Mexico in the last round, I'm beginning to think this could be our year. Aren't you, Thomas?

[Thomas Tuchel]

No, gary. The year 2026 cannot belong to us in any meaningful way. Unless by us you mean those who follow the Julian calendar and you are trying to distinguish us from, for example, Zoroastrians.

[Gary Lineker]

What I mean is your team's got to date with destiny because they've got three lions on their shirts.

[Thomas Tuchel]

I hope not, Gary. At an average weight of 190 kilos

[Sue Mitchell]

each,

[Thomas Tuchel]

if a player did have three lions on their shirt, that would add over half a metric ton to their body weight, significantly affecting their speed and agility. Not to mention the significant risk that the three apex predators would kill and eat the player.

[Gary Lineker]

The point I'm trying to make is Jewels remains still gleaming.

[Thomas Tuchel]

No, Gary. Former FIFA president Jules Ernest Serafin Valentin Rimet is not still gleaming, having died on 21st June 1954 and will therefore by now be just a pile of dull bones.

[Gary Lineker]

Final then, Thomas. Any message for the England fans back home?

[Thomas Tuchel]

My message is, if we win against Norway, enjoy it. But if we lose, try not to react too badly. Do you think that's possible, Gary?

[Gary Lineker]

No, Thomas.

[Darth Vader]

It is useless to resist. There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.

[Donald Trump]

Stay back, Luke.

[Darth Vader]

Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy. If only you knew the power of the dark side.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

I'll never join you.

[Darth Vader]

Okay, I'm just being told, Luke, that you are now joining the dark side after all.

[Boris Johnson]

What? What are you talking about?

[Tim Henman]

How the hell did that happen?

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, that was me. I just had a phone call with my good friend Mr. George Lucas, and I got him and the FIFA Galactic Disciplinary Committee to overturn Luke's decision. You're welcome, by the way.

[Boris Johnson]

I don't want to join the dark side.

[Donald Trump]

Why the hell not? We have matching wristbands and on Tuesdays we go for nachos. Nachos. There's me, Darth Maul, Seboba, Johnny Infantino, Mr. Vader here, he's a great guy, by the way, another good friend of mine. So do not underestimate the power of the Donald side.

[Boris Johnson]

Vader, is it true? Are you and this guy really good friends?

[Darth Vader]

Yes. Luke Trump is your godfather.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Welcome back to Wimbledon. I'm Claire Balding, a golden retriever who's gone to Tony and Guy. So the big story of these championships is the extraordinary performance of the British wild card, Arthur Ferry. And as he prepares for a semi final clash with Sasha Zverev, we can cross over live now and soak up the atmosphere with Tim Henman.

[Sue Mitchell]

Yes, Claire.

[Tim Henman]

And the mood out here is, well, it's pretty unique. I've got to tell you, Tim, from

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

the sound of it, you seem to be. You seem to be on a boat of some kind.

[Tim Henman]

Yeah, that's right, Claire, because I'm on Ferry Ferry, the special new fan zone for British tennis fans to gather and watch the exploits of their latest hero.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

So are there any tennis fans with you?

[Tim Henman]

Well, now you come to mention it, no. But Andy Murray's here.

[Andy Murray]

Hello, Claire.

[Sue Mitchell]

Andy.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

You don't think they put you two on Ferry Ferry just to get you both away from Wimbledon? So? So we don't have to listen to your monotonous punditry.

[Andy Murray]

That sounds highly unlikely, Claire. There's tons of people all too happy to listen to my voice, especially given the heat wave and how hard it is to get to sleep.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

So, are you enjoying the ferry, Andy?

[Andy Murray]

We're lost in the North Sea. Night has fallen and there are shapes in the mist, Claire. I think they're the spirits of long dead sailors that have come to lure us into the fog and drag us down to a watery grave with their rotting, barnacled hands. So, yes, I am enjoying it.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tim Henman]

My biggest concern, Claire, is that we only have tennis rackets to defend ourselves

[Boris Johnson]

with, and I'm not very good with those.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Andy Murray, Tim Henman. Thank you.

[Aled Jones]

I'm Aled Jones and you're listening to Classic FM Radio 3 for simpletons. We have a very special treat for you. Now, we're going to dip into a performance of Tristan and Isolde by Richard Wagner. Specifically, the Lieberstood finale, perhaps the most famous climax in the entire history of classical music. So here live from the Metropolitan Opera House in New York, the climax of Tristan and Isolde.

[Eddie Grundy]

There will now be a three minute hydration break. Morning, Linda. How you getting on with preparations for the Borchester show?

[Linda]

Well, seeing as you mention it, Eddie, do you know where I might get hold of some bunting? I thought it might cheer up the cake marquee.

[Eddie Grundy]

Oh, cake Marquis. I thought you were organizing a dog agility competition, Linda.

[Linda]

Well, I was, Eddie, but then I thought a cake competition might be a touch classier.

[Eddie Grundy]

Oh. Seems a shame, if you ask me.

[Linda]

Well, I didn't ask you, Eddie. Besides, I've made my decision and that's that.

[Eddie Grundy]

Wait a minute, Linda. I've just been told that we will be having a dog agility contest after all.

[Linda]

That's very strange.

[Sue Mitchell]

How on earth has that come about?

[Donald Trump]

Well, that was me. I just had a phone call with my good friend at the Farming and Countryside Advisory. She told the FIFA Agricultural Disciplinary Committee to overturn Linda's decision. I understand everyday country folk really well. Really well.

[Eddie Grundy]

Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

[Donald Trump]

Eddie Grundy. I like your style. You got any experience in politics, sir?

[Eddie Grundy]

I'm just an overconfident and problematically backward bumpkin with a taste for dumb get rich quick schemes.

[Donald Trump]

Perfect. You want to be my new Attorney General? Oh, yeah.

[Sophie Ridge]

I'm Sophie Ridge, and for what it's worth, this is Sky News. Voices from. Voices from across the political spectrum are warning Andy Burnham not to appoint Ed Miliband as his Chancellor. Mr. Miliband joins me now.

[Ed Miliband]

Hey, lady. Like, how's it hanging, Dadio?

[Sophie Ridge]

Sorry, Is that your motorcycle?

[Ed Miliband]

Sure is, doll. Hey, like, don't, like, flip your wig.

[Sophie Ridge]

Yeah, but, Mr. Miliband, you do seem to have spooked. A range of people invested in the City of London fear you'd increase borrowing. While the UNITE and GMB unions worry that your green agenda will cost their members their jobs.

[Ed Miliband]

Look, I hear what those cats are saying. I guess I'm just a little bit dangerous.

[Sophie Ridge]

Dangerous?

[Ed Miliband]

A renegade. A maverick. Hey, I'm the kind of guy who doesn't brush his teeth sometimes just for the hell of it. Or won't wear his seatbelt on an airplane. Even when the seatbelt sign is illuminated due to a spot of mild Turblulence.

[Sophie Ridge]

Shouldn't you be reassuring people that the country's finances would be safe in your hands?

[Ed Miliband]

Hey, listen, Sophie, if the man is looking for a steady, economically competent chancellor, hey, I'm not that guy. But if it's a physical thrill ride you're after, then buckle up, baby.

[Sophie Ridge]

Haven't we had enough financial instability lately?

[Ed Miliband]

Bleh. I don't give a darn what you oldsters think. I'm a rebel without a clue. When I get on a tube train, I don't mind the gap or stand well clear of the closing doors. I take fish fingers out of the oven with a tea towel instead of an oven mitt because I just don't care. Now eat dust, you squares. Edmill Brando is coming through. I should have sat on it first, shouldn't I?

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Welcome to the BBC's World cup coverage with me, Gabby Logan. And ahead of England's match against Norway this weekend, I'm joined now by Harry Kane.

[Michael Caine]

Hello, my name is Harry Kane and I am captain of the England men's football squad. And not a lot of people know that.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Sorry, sorry, what's going on? You're not Harry Kane.

[Michael Caine]

No, Gabby, I am not. Allow me to explain. When Harry Kane lost his voice at the end of the Mexico game, he thought he should rest it for Norway. So he's asked me to do all his interviews with.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

He asked Michael Caine.

[Michael Caine]

I think he thinks we're related, which we're bloody not. But from now on, just pretend you're talking to Harry Kane and not Michael. Go on, ask me how I'm feeling about an all way match.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Okay. How are you feeling about going up against Erling Haaland?

[Michael Caine]

He's a big man, but he's out of shape.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Yeah, but he's not though, is he? He's in incredible shape.

[Michael Caine]

Don't question me, Gabby. You're just a football presenter and as such you're only supposed to show the bloody scores off.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Look, look, this doesn't work. You're clearly a different person.

[Michael Caine]

Now you listen to me. Are you suggesting that Sir Michael Caine, two time Academy Award winner, is incapable of capturing the essence of Harry Kane?

[Boris Johnson]

Well, no, I wouldn't.

[Michael Caine]

Admittedly I have not quite got the voice right yet. But ask me how it felt to score the winning goal against Mexico.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

How did it feel to score the winning goal against Mexico?

[Michael Caine]

Right, here we go. Well, to be fair, Gabby, you know, scoring the winning goal against Mexico was

[Nigel Farage]

a bloody dream come true.

[Michael Caine]

Well done, Michael. You bloody nailed it.

[Davina McCall]

Welcome to long lost family the show that reunites broken families with me, Davina McCall. These days I basically do this Shampoo and the menopause. Tonight, we're dealing with a particularly fractured and divided family. Let's go and meet one of its members. Hi there. I'm Davina. Good to see you. Can I have a hug?

[Sophie Ridge]

Aw.

[Davina McCall]

So, how would you describe your family?

[Charles]

Well, just like most families, I suppose. Complicated and German.

[Davina McCall]

Now, Charles, we understand you're estranged from your brother Andrew.

[Charles]

Well, he's only got himself to blame for that. What on earth was he thinking, getting mixed up with such a wretched person?

[Davina McCall]

You're referring, of course, to Emily Maitless?

[Charles]

Yes. That whole Newsnight interview left one properly cheesed off. And I'm talking a decent Fortnum and Mason truffle cheddar, not your chewy pizza express woking rubbish.

[Davina McCall]

And you have a son, William, but I believe you also have a younger son.

[Tim Henman]

Do I?

[Charles]

I'm sure.

[Davina McCall]

I was told you don't really speak to each other anymore since he moved to America.

[Charles]

Oh, Harry.

[Donald Trump]

Yes. Yes.

[Charles]

He was sick of the cameras being constantly pointed in his face, so he retreated to the peace and quiet of California to have Netflix constantly point their cameras in his face.

[Davina McCall]

Well, Charles, I've got exciting news. We tracked Harry down, we flown him over to the UK and we'd like to reunite the two of you.

[Charles]

Well, I never. What a thrilling prospect.

[Davina McCall]

In fact, we've actually invited him to come and stay with you at Buckingham palace and he's really. Oh. Oh, sorry. I'm just being told apparently the invitation's been rescinded. I'm not quite sure how that happened,

[Charles]

but it wasn't me.

[Donald Trump]

No, that was me.

[Boris Johnson]

Thank you. Thank you. It's a great pleasure to be here in Ankara for this important NATO summit to discuss the vital discussions that need to be discussed in discussion with our allies, as discussed in the course of the discussions we're discussing. I'll take some questions now. Yes, Chris. Chris Macy.

[Chris Macy]

Chris Macy, BBC Prime Minister. What? What further measures does NATO need to take to combat the continuing threat of Russian aggression?

[Boris Johnson]

Well, look, Chris, it's as crucial now as it has ever been for global security, that we continue to work closely and effectively with our allies. And what I want to say, what I really want to say is that I just can't be arsed with this anymore,

[Chris Macy]

Prime Minister.

[Boris Johnson]

Well, I mean, I've only got two weeks left. What's the point? Seriously, why am I bothering to give my usual careful diplomatic non answers when nobody gives a flying fudge Cake. What'd I say? I can let loose. I can let my hair down. Well, if it wasn't set with gorilla glue. Okay, next question. Beth, next question.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

Beth Rigby, Sky News. How will Great Britain meet its commitment to spend 5% of GDP on defence whilst also maintaining current levels of welfare spending?

[Boris Johnson]

Well, Beth, thank you for that question. And I think it's really important to point out that I have absolutely no bloody idea. Not the foggiest. Couldn't give a stuff where the money's coming from. Not my problem anymore. Ask Manky Burnham. Seeing as you all love him so much, perhaps he can set up an OnlyFans account or something. 20 quid to find, flutter his eyelashes and the. Hey presto, there's a couple of billion. Brilliant.

[Tim Henman]

Oh, God.

[Boris Johnson]

Finally being able to say what I really think feels so good.

[Tim Henman]

Right, next question.

[Chris Macy]

Robert Peston, ITV News. What do you make of the extraordinary remarks by the President of the United States about the current situation regarding the war with Iran?

[Boris Johnson]

Another good question. Thank you, Robert. Well, look, what you really have to understand, Robert, is that Trump is a twat.

[Chris Macy]

But surely you would agree that.

[Boris Johnson]

No, no, sod this. I'm not answering any more questions. If anyone wants me, I'll be the one at the bar, necking Lagershandy's and not even wearing a ruddy tie.

[Tim Henman]

Smell ya later, tossers.

[Rob Lowrey]

Sue. Sue, time to run.

[Sue Mitchell]

You're listening to BBC Radio 4's Intrigue to catch a King, the hit investigative podcast. It's dramatic, it's dangerous, it's downloadable. I'm Sue Mitchell, I'm a reporter and my friend Rob Lowrey is ex army,

[Rob Lowrey]

and I talk intense whispers because of

[Sue Mitchell]

the danger in this episode, we're tracking down the kingpin of a particularly sordid and despicable organization. And as usual, we're in a foreign country. You can tell we've flown there because of the sound effects. That's an aeroplane. Because of the drama. And now we're using more sound effects to walk through Miami airport to pick up a hire car. But Rob, his ex army, has been investigating clues and so forth, and it's led to even more drama.

[Rob Lowrey]

Sue. Sue. It somehow escaped my grasp.

[Sue Mitchell]

Rob left his passport in the Harry Potter shop next to a cuddly Dobby. Rob is ex army.

[Rob Lowrey]

Wait, there he is. Sue.

[Sue Mitchell]

Suddenly, because of editing, Rob has spotted our quarry, one of the most loathsome individuals even we have ever come across.

[Tim Henman]

Hello, I'm Gianni infantino, president of FIFA. Welcome to Miami for this World cup quarterfinal.

[Sue Mitchell]

Mr. Infantino, can we have a word?

[Thomas Tuchel]

No. Sorry, I have nothing to say to you.

[Rob Lowrey]

It looks like you've got him sweating, Sue.

[Sue Mitchell]

Of course he's sweating, Rob. It's far too hot here for a football tournament because of the humidity and the danger.

[Rob Lowrey]

He's running away, Sue.

[Sue Mitchell]

We immediately lose him because we have to carry so much recording equipment and a camera because of the social media clips. But Rob realises Infantino has dropped his.

[Rob Lowrey]

This could be the big breakthrough, Sue. The rumor is Infantino may only be the second in command. Let's see if we can speak to the guy who's really in charge.

[Sue Mitchell]

He's calling Rob.

[Donald Trump]

Hello, losers. It's me, the Donald.

[Sue Mitchell]

Donald is not ex army. Because of the bone spurs.

[Donald Trump]

Is that the BBC? I'm gonna sue you for your fake danger.

[Rob Lowrey]

Abort mission. Abort mission.

[Sue Mitchell]

The forest, Rob. Edit us into a forest, Miami.

[Donald Trump]

Forests are weird too.

[Rob Lowrey]

There are logs with eyes moving towards us.

[Sue Mitchell]

They're alligators, Rob, because there's too much danger.

[Rob Lowrey]

Abort forest. Abort forest.

[Sue Mitchell]

Join us next time. Back in a safe British forest.

[Rob Lowrey]

On To Catch A King.

[Sue Mitchell]

Rob is excellent army.

[Justin Webb]

You're listening to Today. With me, Justin Webb, hair of Keir Starmer, without the animal magnetism. With the other main parties all refusing to stand a candidate, the Clacton by election, triggered by Nigel Farage looks like being a straight fight between him and Count Binface, who joins me now.

[Eddie Grundy]

Good morning, Justin. Good morning, planet Earth.

[Justin Webb]

Count Binface, do you now see yourself as a serious candidate to win this by election?

[Eddie Grundy]

How dare you? Of course I do.

[Justin Webb]

But your manifesto is Clearly a joke. Capping 99 flakes at 99 pence, pensions to be triple locked with an extra little chain on the side. Nationalising Adele.

[Eddie Grundy]

Sensible policies for a better Britain.

[Justin Webb]

But this could be a really important moment in British politics. And your manifesto? I'm looking at it now. Hang on, wait, what's this? Scrapping the limit on banker bonuses. Abolishing the OBR. £45 billion of uncosted tax cuts.

[Eddie Grundy]

Yes, those are all my policies too.

[Justin Webb]

Hold on. Camp Bin Face, can I ask you to remove the bin from your head? I think Britain needs to see who the ultimate joke candidate really is. Good Lord, it's you.

[Sue Mitchell]

Oh, I know. Count Liz Face at your service. Did you miss me? And I'm also pledging to scrap traffic lights so everyone can get to work much quicker. And I'm going to put everyone's houses on high stilts so that the deep state can't get us.

[Linda]

Vote Lizface.

[Sue Mitchell]

I know

[Narrator/Announcer]

Tear Dringus was performed by John Colshaw, jan Ravens, Lewis McLeod, Duncan Wisby and Jess Robinson. It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Sophie Dixon, John Holmes, Joe Toppe with additional material by Richard E. Thorne and Lizzie Mansfield Cooper Mahini Swerved Dead Ringers is a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. It was created by Bill Dare and the producer is John Ro.

[Donald Trump]

If you enjoyed this episode of Comedy of the Week and want to find more episodes of Dead Ringers, just search Friday night comedy on BBC Sounds. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Great job.

[Amanda Yannucci]

Political language can seem archaic.

[Sarah Montague / Gabby Logan]

It's like the light from one of those stars that actually died, sometimes bamboozly. It's a theme park with a five foot log flume.

[Ed Miliband]

From one thought to another and very often beyond words.

[Tim Henman]

I don't know how to describe the

[Amanda Yannucci]

language like you just I'm Amanda Yannucci. I'm all reset and turbocharged to stress test, to destruction used and abused buzzwords and phrases from the world of politics. I come with a dazzling array of guest presenters and I'll be explor exploring the verbal tricks of the political trade, the intentions behind them and the effect they have on all of us. The new series of Strong Message. Here with me, Amanda Yannucci from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Summons.