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Comedy of the Week
Emer Maguire: Patron Saint of Bad Luck
00:28:33
Comedian Emer Maguire has her worst year but learns how to live her best life.
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- [00:06]
Emer Maguire
It could only be me who would
- [00:08]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
have this year from hell.
- [00:10]
Emer Maguire
And when you think it can't get worse the universe says well. And so I lose the girlfriend that along with her our home and all
- [00:17]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
familiarity that I have ever known along with the autism they give me a
- [00:22]
Emer Maguire
dog to help and it would turn
- [00:24]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
out he has got more issues than myself. Together we must learn to cope. But I do have my doubts.
- [00:29]
Emer Maguire
How can we when he's too scared
- [00:31]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
to leave the blood house? It could only be me
- [00:39]
Emer Maguire
the patron
- [00:41]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
saint of bad luck free falling But I don't give a flying the master of a mishap.
- [00:56]
Emer Maguire
See,
- [00:59]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
I know this life is just a trap.
- [01:07]
Emer Maguire
It could only be me. Hey, folks. I'm Eamor Maguire. I come from a small town called Strabane in the north of Ireland. We did win a prize recently in a UK ranking. Thank you. We were named the third worst place to live in the uk. But as my math says, they're all just jealous Instram. We don't really identify as being part of the uk. So two jokes on that. Thank you. That was good. More of that. But I'm not here to talk about any of that today. I've had one hell of a year, folks, and if I didn't know any better, I would swear that I was cursed. And my granny was so worried about me that she told me to light a candle to get rid of the bad luck and my dog knocked it over and set the carpet alight. So I kicked the year off in absolute style at the psychiatrist's office. And for context, people have said to me for years, really jokingly, you're so autistic. Well, I thought they were joking. And people would stay behind after my comedy shoes and they'd say things to me like, oh, my wee girl's autistic too. And I'd be like, as well as, who? What are you? And after this lifetime of untaken hints, my friend finally said to me, I cannot keep it in it anymore. I have to tell you, I think you're autistic. And I said, well, sure, what would you know about it? This friend is an autism specialist and owns an autism clinic. But that's beside the point. So I extremely reluctantly went for an assessment with the sole aim of proving my friend wrong. I was diagnosed with not only debilitating OCD and obesity, but also a hefty. It's kind of hurtful that you just laughed at this. This is radio. I was kind of trying to keep the illusion I was quite athletic. I was diagnosed with debilitating OCD and a hefty side of the tism of autism. And to say that I was shocked was an understatement. And I told the clinicians that they were wrong. And one of the clinicians said, well, you didn't engage in any social chitchat. And I responded and said, that's because your chitchat revolved around the impact of coffee on your bowels. And I found that revolting. And by extension, I found you revolting. And there was a couple of moments of silence. And then I said, I know you might have a point. And it answered a lot of questions for me. It answered things like why I find life so overwhelming at times, or why I've been able to write songs since the age of five, but I still have yet to master tying my shoelaces. Or why I spent my childhood vomiting at the prospect of eating potatoes. Very rare for somebody Irish. But I also suffered from a condition called pica. Do you know what pica is? So it's where you eat non food items. So instead of eating potatoes and chicken nuggets, my preferred diet was like cigarette butts or like my mum's favorite ornaments. Now, to be fair, there have always been signs, right? People would always have said to me, growing up, you're a wee bit quirky. And I knew they meant weird, right? I'd be like, you're a wee bit rude. People say to me all the time, how did your parents not know you were autistic? Look at you. And they did notice clearly. But back then, lots of people didn't know girls could be autistic. I didn't know I was either. I mean, I knew I wasn't, let's say, typical. And I actually attributed any and all hardships and difficulties I had to the fact that I was a middle child. Me and my brother were both joint middle children, so we were hated equally. And I've written this as a theme song to rise against the injustices that middle children have faced. Always being this pale, you know, from standing in my sibling's shadow. And even the outfits, this is my dad's hand, me downs, you know, this is. And even in the car, like I thought middle child referred to the seat in which you sat. I thought it meant you sat in the middle seat. That's how literal I was. And there were four of us and we didn't all fit in the back of the car. So our parents started to rotate us in and out of the booth. That was quite an uncomfortable place for me. To be with my dad being a funeral director, it was just very, very awkward. This is middle child.
- [06:20]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
You know that you're the middle child. If every time your mother smiled around you, you both knew she was thinking about the other two, you know that you're the middle child. If when your family all played hide and seek, it was a before they noticed you were gone at all, you know that you're the middle child. If every time your dad called you Niam without shield, it'd say, Catherine, Mary Connor, Sean, Sarah, Susan, Kira, John, Mary, Joseph, Totoben. What's your name again? Middle children full of crippling self died and jealous rage. Middle children unfairly disliked because of birth order and age. And we'll never understand why we're vilified till we have our own kids and we hate our own middle child.
- [07:18]
Emer Maguire
As the year went on and I was trying to get my head around my autism and OCD diagnoses, the universe decided to throw a couple of physical challenges my way. So, first of all, I dislocated my shoulder out through my back, right? I didn't know it was a thing. And I have a master's degree in clinical anatomy from a medical school, and I didn't know it was a thing. So I went to the hospital and the doctor was like, this is a very rare type of dislocation. I was like, you're telling me. And he said, I've only really seen it in cases of electrocution. And he says, how did it happen? And I told him how it happened. It happened when I was putting on my coat, right? Putting on my coat, and I was like, I threw the back. Next thing I know, I was high as a kid. I was being held down by so many staff members and having my shoulder put back into place, right? I know, it was awful. And naturally, I was a wee bit down in the dumps about this, you know, being a musician, couldn't play guitar, couldn't do anything. So a distraction came in the form of my best friend's birthday trip, right? And I was elated. So it was me and a big group of girls. We went to a very fancy spa hotel for the weekend. I had to remortgage the house to be able to go. And we spent the majority of the time in the hot tub. Late during the night, in very kind of blurred vision, I saw a sign on the side of the hot tub that said, do not exceed 30 minutes. And I was like, what do you think that means? And at that point, I had been in the hot tub for seven hours straight. I was going to sleep there for the night. I just thought. And I started to feel a wee bit ill. I assumed it was just like the sight of all my mates in their swimwear, right? But I started feeling wee bit sick. But I thought, drink up, party on, right? Eventually we had to leave the hot tub because Lauren's fake tan all melted off and blocked the filter. So we had to get out anyway. Well, I stalled it. I went home and I still didn't figure out, but I thought I was hungover. And on Monday morning I. I was coughing up red aftershock, right? And I after a while realized, oh, Jesus, that's blood. It's not red aftershock at all. I was coughing up blood. I went to see my GP and they sent me to the hospital and I had all these tests and all these scans and a very serious looking doctor came in and told me in a very serious voice that I had a pulmonary embolism, which is like a clot in your lungs. And the doctor said to me, for one in three people, the first symptom is death. I was like, what do you say to that? I was like, cool. I felt weirdly smug. God forgive me, but I did. But near death experiences don't get much sympathy in my house because of my dad's job. And I text my siblings to inform them of my upcoming death.
- [10:19]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
And I
- [10:22]
Emer Maguire
was supposed to have a show in my hometown that weekend. One of my brothers replied and he said, oh my God, that's mad. On Saturday we could either be at your show or at your funeral, right? And I could see he was still typing. And he typed again and said, either way, I'll be having drinks, right? I thought, fair enough. I text back and says, look, could somebody buy the remaining tickets for the show? Cause it's gonna look better on the front page of the Straban Chronicle if it says Strabant star dies ahead of sold out show instead of like half filled show. And my sister replied and she said that she would, but she said, could you hold off dying until Thursday? Because that's when I get paid. So. And my youngest brother, he didn't reply at all. So of course pulmonary embolisms are extremely serious. But humor is how I cope with serious. And when I was in the hospital, I kept waiting for that moment. You know, people say my life flashed before my eyes. Instead I was thinking, oh, Jesus, I hope nobody finds that secret snack drawer mark that I have. It's full of monster munch and crunchy wrappers. And I just kept thinking those kind of things. So I started to think, what would it be like if I actually died? Right? And here are all the thoughts across my mind. I wrote this in the hospital at 3 o' clock in the morning Filler patients were fuming. They were
- [11:53]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
if I died would anyone know how to dress me for the wake? I'll make a list of all my favorite clothes so there'll be no mistake and would my colleagues realize the work I left behind was subpar? And on CCTV they'd see it was me who dented the boss's car? And if I died tomorrow would my friends be full of sorrow? Would my mother realize once and for all I was a favorite child? And would my daddy cry but see there's something in his eye? And would one of my siblings please delete my brazing histories? But most of all don't be sad Cause I've had a ball I've had a ball. If I died would strangers cry and tell everyone we were friends Even though we'd never met? But I guess everyone pretends and if I died I wonder what photo the media would use to tell the masses I had passed on the nightly evening news Would it be flattering or fattening? The camera eyes tan pine Hear the people say look at that wee fare
- [13:22]
Emer Maguire
no wonder she's in the grind if
- [13:24]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
I died this evening Would my life have any meaning? Would I leave anything behind? I hope people say I was kind and some would say I made them laugh and maybe they'd name the half and half at the local Chinese after me A sign of respect and memory and after all don't be sad, have a Neamer chicken ball I've had a bowl.
- [13:59]
Emer Maguire
In that year to try and lift my spirits I decided I needed a break and my mum's 60th birthday was coming up so I decided to take her to London to see Sister act. Any musical ability I got, I got it from my mum. My mum is actually quite a well known singer herself. She's currently appearing in Straban Sunday Mass every week and she's third alto. Sometimes if Claire's sick, she's bumped up to second. She's a big. She's kind of a big deal. So I'm so proud. Little did I know my bad luck was starting to rub off on other people. So we were in London and we decided to stop at Pizza Express for a wee bit of lunch. And for the first time the whole trip, my mum says to me, emer, do you know what? I'm going to pay for this. And I thought, jesus, that's very good of you. I've paid for the flights, the accommodation, the tickets to the show, transport, everything you've put in your mouth since you got here. But you pay for the 2 for 1 pizza special at lunchtime. That'll be very good. So my ma was halfway through her pizza and she says to me, I feel a wee bit faint. And I thought, right, gonna pay for it, my arse. Right? Please bear in mind this is 100% true story, every word of it. Next thing I know, my ma collapsed. The woman at the table next to us leaned over and said, is she dead? Right? I thought, jesus Christ, hope not. How much Ray and Air gonna charge me to bring her on board with a body bag? I was like, if she's dead, she's your problem. She's staying here. So I was mortified. I was really embarrassed. I was like, could I. My autism kicked in, full flight. I was like, could I just step over and leave? We've had a nice time, we've seen the show. So somebody rang an ambulance, right? I'm holding my mother's unconscious body. The waitress comes over and says to me, do you want to bring the
- [15:56]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
rest of that pizza with you?
- [15:59]
Emer Maguire
How inappropriate. Like, what a ridiculous question. I was like, course I do. Box it up, few extra garlic dips. My man's not going to need it. Me and my man, the pizza went out to the ambulance, right? And we were. We were brought off. We were brought away to this very fancy London hospital class. It was way nicer than our Airbnb. I loved it. And my mum was rushed in to have all these scans and the doctor came into us and says, are Biles in the wrong place? I was like, what do you mean? Did we leave it in Pizza Express or. What do you mean? And he said, it's nearly in her throat, right? And he showed me a picture and I panicked. I panic when I feel awkward. So I said, is that why she talks so much shit, right? My mother nearly died laughing at. My mother nearly died, but she. She nearly died laughing. So the doctor says, look, in addition to her bile being misplaced, she also had a deflated bladder and she also had a deflated lung. He says, even her heart is in the wrong place. And I says, doctor, I knew that already. And she's grand, like, she's grand. She's just a wee bit like Picasso, right? And the doctor says, we've never seen anything like it. And I was like, have you ever seen anybody dislocate the shoulder right through their back? We're both medical marvels. Incredible. So they tried to figure out how everything was in the wrong place. And they said it usually only happens if there is severe trauma to the body, like a bad car accident. I says, my mum has been no accidents. And they said, well, you know, it can also happen if someone has fallen out of a plane and been totally twisted and turned the whole way down till everything ends up in the wrong place. I says, mom, have you fallen out of a plane recently? I know what she said. No, I don't think so. So the doctor left and came back and said, do you do any extreme sports? Right? She sat up in the bed like Lazarus and she says, well, doctor, sometimes I do the Zumba, right? Do you know what Zumba is? Are there any extreme sports you do? Anything that really pushes your body to the limits? Anything unsafe?
- [18:27]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
Yes, doctor, sometimes I do the Zumba. Last Thursday I even tried the Roomba. My friend Teresa brought me to her aqua fit class. I turned the pool to a Jacuzzi with my chronic gas. I've even done aerobics in an armchair, even though my legs are working. That's neither here nor there. I've even leaned into the world of yoga. I do some Jazzercise. Oh, you should see my thighs. On Friday nights, I do pillow Pilates on sweaty foam mats with my fellow fattes. Some Saturdays I even walk the park, run and celebrate my fitness with a big cream bun. I've even dabbled in the art of Tai chi. But I had to give up as I hurt my good knee. So I took up gardening with such a vigor. There is no sport more extreme or bigger than a mother on a mission who is weeding with ambition in her hand. She has her trial wiping her sweat with the towel upon her kneeling mat. The thing by now is almost flat. You wanna talk extreme, Doctor, you were saying?
- [19:43]
Emer Maguire
So after I got my mother home in one piece, very mixed up piece, I thought, surely things can only get better. Can only get better from here. I was wrong. I was incorrect. It turns out that not everybody's into like a combination of physical illness and autism and OCD and general bad luck all wrapped up in one kind of hapless, albeit extremely attractive individual. So my girlfriend of 11 years broke up with me, right? I know you didn't see much sad that felt like the kind of awe that meant that you can see her point. I did not see it coming. Which ironically is a trait of autism. She told me years ago when we were young and we were in love, that would be together forever. So I took that literally. I thought that meant that was it. But to be honest, I couldn't even blame her. There's only so much a partner can deal with. And the only glimmer of hope for me for the future was the fact that I got our dog, Alby. And I think she was relieved because I'm pretty sure Alby has a personality disorder. But I love him. But I could not find anywhere to live with a tiny psychopathic dog in tow. So my younger brother finally suggested I move into his student house with him and our cousin under what I can only imagine was significant duress from my mother, right? But me and my dog settled into our box room surrounded by other people's belongings on a mattress on the floor. There was something very kind of uniquely humbling about being 30, newly diagnosed as autistic, recovering from a pulmonary embolism and falling asleep beside a kind of big pile of mismatched socks and a traffic cone, right? It was very. It was very traumatic. After a couple of months of moping, my mom gave me some fantastic, wonderful, sensitive motherly advice, right? She was like, it's been two months, time to get over it now. So I did my best. And I hadn't told anyone at that point in my family that I had been diagnosed with autism. And one that. I don't know why. I was embarrassed. I didn't know how they would take it. And one night, sitting quietly watching TV with my cousin that I lived with, she said to me, can I ask you something? And whenever I says, yeah, yeah, of course, she said very kindly, are you autistic? And there were no jokes and there was no making fun of me. She was just kind of genuinely caring and intrigued. And I nearly lied. And then I thought, sure, what's the worst that can happen? And I just said, yes. And the world didn't end. She just smiled at me and she says, yeah, I thought so. And she kept watching tv and I thought, jesus, that was alright. As you know, it was me, her and my brother living together. So that night I text him. He was in his room and I was in mine. And I had said to him, you know, I've been for an assessment and I was autistic. They diagnosed me. And he came into my room and hugged me. And I felt really accepted and really loved. As he was hugging me, he was like, please let me tell mommy. Typical gay living for the drama. He's like, please. So things Started to get better. And I realized that in my relationship, I had kind of tried my best to hide all of my autistic traits because I kind of saw them as flaws and I was embarrassed by them. And I had started to think that maybe I'd kind of got it all wrong and I wasn't as unlucky as I'd thought. And I thought maybe I'm actually quite lucky to have figured out who I was and to have people around me who kind of just accepted that as well. So I finally accepted that I was autistic and that my goal is not to kind of fix myself, because I'm not broken. And a few months later, me and my brother bought two houses next door to each other, literally attached, which is really, really nice. And the cousin came with us and moved in with me and my psychotic little dog. And life was improving. And then I met Dougal, who is my autism assistant's dog. Dougal McGuire, no relation to the priest. Didn't have a name. He was a rescue and he was just called Dog. And my mum was like, oh, what about Dougal? Like the Magic Roundabout? And I was like, I don't know what that is, but I like that name. And then I was in the vet one time and they used, you know, they used the dog's full name and they were like. They were like, is Dougal McGuire here? And I was like, you are kidding me. And now people keep saying, oh, you must be a big fan of Father Ted. Actually wasn't keen on it, you know, but, so Dougal is a huge, loving, overly affectionate poodle. And whenever I have him by my side, I feel like I can take on the world. And the only slight issue is that recently I had to take Dougal to the vet and he was diagnosed with anxiety. It's not all bad. We're on the same anxiety medication, which is. Which is kind of useful, but sometimes I can't tell who's supporting who. But after I got Dougal, my brother decided he wanted a bit more company as well. So he got himself a roommate, and in the plot twist of the century, myself and the roommate fell in love. So I literally fell for the girl next door, and so did she, actually. Dougal has also fallen head over heels for her husky, so things are really looking up. So I always thought I was the patron saint of bad luck, and maybe I am, but I feel like bad luck kind of breeds resilience, and I didn't know that I had that in me. So I want to say thank you for joining me through my year of my year where I thought I had a lot of bad luck but it actually turned out the best year of my life.
- [25:36]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
Yes, I may look odd when at times I'd tick or twitch. If I'd a pint for every time someone called me quirky I'd be rich. But I'm focused and I'm factual and I've got perfect pitch so there's nothing I would chop or change or switch. And I might be pedantic and maybe I can be blunt, but that's just cause I'm autistic, not because I am a colous, somewhat viewless person who is rude. I'm not trying to make a fuss about my clothes, my rules, my food. Oh, I'm perfect too. I'm just a different point of view, baby. I'm not like you. That's okay. I mean, that's cool. And I'm not like your best friend's nephew. He's autistic too and he screams when you go near him. And so that's the only view that you have of us all and you didn't even know adults and girls can have it too. And I watch your mind explode. But you seem kind of normal, you say quite confused. I oh, thanks awfully. I reply, you seem kind of normal too. But autism's not limited to little white boys with a strong preference for order and train themed toys.
- [27:20]
Emer Maguire
I do like trains, but that's a coincidence.
- [27:22]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
Oh, I'm perfect too.
- [27:25]
Emer Maguire
I have a tattoo of one.
- [27:27]
Emer Maguire (as a character in the song)
It's just a different part of you. Maybe I'm not like you, but that's okay. I mean, that's cool.
- [27:39]
Emer Maguire
Thank you very much, folks. Thank you. Patron saint of bad luck was written and performed by Amer Maguire. Produced by Anna Hynes. It is a fable radio production for BBC Radio 4.
- [27:57]
Russell Cain
Hello, wicked wunderkinds and degenerate do gooders. It's Russell Cain here, host of Evil Genius, the show that takes famous faces from history and knocks them off their high horse by revealing three unfortunate facts about their life. We shine a UV torch on the hidden evidence, then present our findings to a jury of three comedians who will decide evil or genius. Join us as we rifle through the drawers of history, then make a mess on the carpet. Listen to Evil Genius first on BBC Sounds.