Just a Minute

Summary

Comedy of the Week – “Just a Minute”

BBC Radio 4 | August 10, 2026 | Host: Sue Perkins
Guests: Paul Merton, Lucy Porter, Giles Brandreth, Rachel Parris

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Episode Overview

This episode of the classic panel game “Just a Minute” is hosted by Sue Perkins, featuring regulars Paul Merton, Giles Brandreth, Lucy Porter, and Rachel Parris. The panelists must speak for 60 seconds on a given topic without hesitation, repetition, or deviation, with the usual quick-witted interjections and comedic banter. This episode stands out for its sharp wit, playful rule-lawyering, and memorable personal (and slightly surreal) anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points and Segments

1. Opening and Introduction (00:00)

• Sue Perkins introduces the panel and explains the rules to newcomers: speak for 60 seconds on a given subject without hesitation, repetition, or deviation.
• “It’s an incredibly easy game. All you’ve got to do is speak on a subject for 60 seconds without hesitation, repetition or deviation, which is simple enough.”
  – Sue Perkins (00:31)

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2. Round 1: My Advice for a Blind Date (01:00–02:33)

• Lucy Porter opens with outlandish advice: “Turn up wearing an orange balaclava, a conical bra and nothing from the waist down. That’s what my husband wore on our first date and we have been together ever since.” (01:05)
• Rachel Parris and Giles Brandreth challenge on repeated words (fruit).
• Giles takes over with stories of failed threesomes and flamboyant woolly jumpers, adding absurdity and charm.

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3. Teething Problems (02:33–04:39)

• Paul Merton: A trademark surreal riff about still having baby teeth. “If you come close to your radio, I’ll show you. Look, do you see?” (02:57)
• The panel playfully interjects with challenges for repetition, prompting laughter and continued back-and-forth.
• Rachel Parris has her turn but is tripped up by a repetition of “years.”
• Lucy Porter: “Yes, it’s fruit all over again, isn’t it?” (04:15)
• Paul picks up with a bizarre story about his horse’s dental issues—classic Paul Merton.

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4. I Refuse to Go Back To... (05:00–08:54)

• Giles Brandreth: “I refuse to go back to Buckingham Palace now that the King and Queen have let it be known that they will not be living there.” (05:30)
• Bounces humorously from palaces to Downing Street, poking fun at prime ministerial turnover and old Oxford haunts.
• A recurring squabble over challenging “small words” elicits laughs:
  “Giles, you’ve become childlike and desperate in your pleading. And I like it.”
  – Sue Perkins (06:04)
• Lucy Porter satirizes Giles’s complaining: “I refuse to go back to letting Giles Brandreth get away with things, because I really have let him do a lot.” (06:27)
• Extended teasing about “Riz” (charisma):
  “Please explain Riz to the people of my generation. And below.”
  – Rachel Parris (07:41)
  “Riz is a kind of charisma. It’s a vogue word from about eight years ago. I learned it from one of my grandchildren.”
  – Giles Brandreth (07:51)

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5. Last Time I Made a Citizen's Arrest (08:54–11:45)

• Rachel Parris: Yorkshire-accented citizen’s arrest for badly parked bikes:
  “Come with me, Sonny Jim, my lad, I said in a Yorkshire accent, apparently that I’d adopted to give myself an air of authority...” (09:14)
• Lucy Porter weaves a callback to the Cardoma Coffee Shop and “erotic charge”:
  “He was wanting to know about My erotic charge. I said it’s three and six to you, Sunny Jim.” (10:38)

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6. I Channelled My Inner Sherlock Holmes (11:45–14:35)

• Lucy Porter opens with a wild take:
  “I channelled my inner Sherlock Holmes today by taking a lot of cocaine and being rude to my housekeeper.” (11:45)
• Rachel Parris picks up, meta-describing her efforts to listen for rule violations—funny self-reflexive moment.
• Paul Merton pseudo-challenges Giles just to see his reaction:
  “I only said that to see the look on Giles’ face.” (13:37)
• Banter about Giles’ jaw “detaching” becomes a running visual joke.

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7. How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck... (14:35–18:23)

• The classic tongue-twister stumps the panel with repetition landmines.
• Giles claims he first used it as a chat-up line with a “Canadian lumberjack known as a Jackie.” (15:13)
• Debate over BBC trivia and realization about when it became the Corporation vs. Company (16:53).
• Paul: “It’s like watching a David Attenborough film with two old lions going at each other. Just a load of gazelles trotting past...” (17:14)
• Giles descends into a spoof blues song claiming Chuck Berry wrote the tongue-twister; Paul calls deviation.
• Sue: “We didn’t need to hear Giles ever singing. But it wasn’t a correct challenge...” (18:08)

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8. My Phone Knows Too Much About Me (18:35–21:37)

• Rachel Parris: The perils of algorithms and targeted ads.
  “The algorithm shows me the most beautiful colorful floral dresses which are right up my street... Holidays to the Caribbean which I cannot afford but would like and enjoy just watching on the screen...” (18:57)
• Paul Merton: “I haven’t got one [a phone].” (20:05). The panel riff on his luddite status.
• Lucy Porter: Conspiracy theory about the Chinese government laughing at her Google searches: “Does my cat love me?” (20:46)
• Quick-fire challenges for repetition and hesitation.

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9. Sorry to Bother You (22:08–24:10)

• Lucy Porter: Fantasizes about attempting a polite armed robbery: “Sorry to bother you, but could I have all your money, please?” (22:10)
• Ongoing debate about whether small, commonly used words ("say", "let", "there") should count for repetition points, fueling more good-natured squabbling.

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10. I Couldn't Believe What Sue Perkins Said About... (24:32–26:30)

• Paul Merton: Absurd scandal about Sue and gluten-free bread:
  “She grabs hold of the produce, she runs out to the street and she kicks it right up the ass. And have you ever seen anybody kick a loaf?” (24:54)
• Switches to a surreal love letter about Sue’s supposed obsession with Giles’ animal magnetism and statues in St Albans.
• More mock challenges and running gags about panelist chemistry.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You exude Riz.” – Giles Brandreth (07:47)
• “Please explain Riz to the people of my generation. And below.” – Rachel Parris (07:41)
• “If you come close to your radio, I’ll show you. Look, do you see?” – Paul Merton (02:57)
• “When I see him on television, I say to myself, there is a God, an Adonis, somebody that should be admired. Statues should be put on.” – Paul Merton (25:51)
• “Sorry to bother you, but could I have all your money, please?” – Lucy Porter (22:10)
• “I haven’t got one [a phone].” – Paul Merton (20:05)
• “His jaw was on a bungee jump.” – Paul Merton (14:14)
• “It’s like watching a David Attenborough film with two old lions going at each other...” – Paul Merton (17:14)

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The Panel Dynamic

• Sue Perkins provides energetic, sardonic commentary, mediating the customary mock rivalries.
• Giles Brandreth delights in wordplay, arcane knowledge, and occasionally lawyering the rules.
• Lucy Porter and Rachel Parris shine with self-deprecating humor, playful banter, and quick-fire wit.
• Paul Merton anchors the episode with his trademark absurdist storytelling and deadpan timing.
• Running in-jokes revolve around repetition of small words, the lore of “Riz,” BBC trivia, and the enduring sexual mystique of Giles Brandreth.
• The panelists’ camaraderie is evident, with plenty of interjections, ribbing, and laughter, making for an engaging and very funny listen.

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Final Scores & Episode Wrap-Up

• The episode closes with Sue Perkins announcing final scores (26:30):
  • 4th: Rachel
  • 3rd: Lucy
  • 2nd: Paul
  • Winner: Giles Brandreth (by one point)

Sue thanks all the panelists and the production team, shouting out the legendary Ian Messiter and Nicholas Parsons.

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Highlight Timestamps

| Time | Segment | |------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:00 | Lucy’s advice for a blind date | | 02:53 | Paul’s baby teeth anecdote | | 05:30 | Giles refuses to go back to Buckingham Palace | | 07:41 | Discussion on “Riz” | | 09:12 | Rachel’s citizen’s arrest story | | 11:45 | Lucy channels her inner Sherlock Holmes (with cocaine!) | | 15:13 | Giles’ lumberjack/woodchuck story | | 18:57 | Rachel on targeted algorithms | | 22:10 | Lucy’s polite bank robbery attempt | | 24:32 & 25:33 | Paul’s gluten-free bread/SP’s lust for Giles Brandreth story | | 26:30 | Final scores and wrap-up |

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Tone, Style & Humour

The episode is quintessential “Just a Minute”: clever, playful, innuendo-laden, and frequently teetering on the edge of delightful chaos. The contestants maintain an irreverent but friendly tone throughout, ensuring even newcomers to the show will be swept up in the fun.

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For fans of British wit, panel game insanity, and quick-fire banter, this “Just a Minute” episode is a must-listen highlight of the “Comedy of the Week” podcast.

Transcript

[Sue Perkins]

Welcome to. Just a minute. Hello. Sue Perkins here. As a bit of Chopin fades into the distance. I'm delighted to welcome you to our game this week. Gosh. Well, we've got a lovely bunch. Please welcome Paul Merton, Lucy Porter, Giles Brandreth and Rachel Parris. So, if you're listening for the first time, it's an incredibly easy game. All you've got to do is speak on a subject for 60 seconds without hesitation, repetition or deviation, which is simple enough. Right, well, let's see how it goes this week. Lucy, we're going to start with you and the subject we've got on the card is my advice for a blind date. Looking forward to hearing the dating tips. Can you speak without hesitating, repeating or deviating on my advice for a blind date? And your time starts now.

[Lucy Porter]

My advice for a blind date is make a strong first impression, turn up wearing an orange balaclava, a conical bra and nothing from the waist down. That's what my husband wore on our first date and we have been together ever since. If you're on the television show Blind Date, the tip is to ask a question, such as, if you were a fruit, what frank fruit, would you.

[Rachel Parris]

Oh,

[Lucy Porter]

just ridiculous.

[Sue Perkins]

But that was beautiful way to start the show, Giles, as usual, crushing hopes and dreams coming in, known for it. What's your challenge, my friend?

[Giles Brandreth]

Repetition of fruit.

[Sue Perkins]

Indeed. It was too fruity. And that means you have the subject, which, to remind you, is my advice for a blind date. You have 32 seconds remaining and your time starts now.

[Giles Brandreth]

My advice for a blind date is don't suggest a threesome on the first date. I tried this once and there were two no shows, so it went reasonably well. But when it comes to actually a blind date, I found a woolly jumper with an amusing motif, really gets the conversation going. She is able to adjust her spectacles, get close to your chest and say, oh, yes, that is very droll. And then you can talk about the kind of knitting that. That you enjoy doing. Introducing craft at an early stage into a blind date.

[Sue Perkins]

I don't think we should be giving points for that. I think we should be getting a team of specialised therapists in. But nonetheless, the rules of just a minute are never changing. So you were speaking as the whistle went, which means you get the point. And, Paul, it is now your subject and it's this. Teething problems. You've got 60 seconds on teething problems starting now.

[Paul Merton]

Well, I've got a slight teething problem in the two baby teeth that I have should have fallen out When I was about 8, 9, 10, something like that. But I still have them. If you come close to your radio, I'll show you. Look, do you see? And they're in the back of my mouth. Well, they could be other places, I suppose they could be in the front, but they are sort of nearer the rear end of my gob. And it's there when dentists look, they go, oh, my word, I haven't seen anything like that outside of a textbook. And I said, it's true. They never really dislodged themselves as they should have done. It hasn't really been a major problem for me. It hasn't held me back in my talented show business career. I was once on a show called Too Many Teeth and I was able to win the start. What's the matter with you, Rachel?

[Rachel Parris]

There was repetition of the word teeth.

[Sue Perkins]

Yes, there was a repetition of the word teeth. Well done. Well, listen, Rachel, I have too many teeth. Too many vestigial baby teeth. We know that now. 24 seconds remaining. Correct challenge. You get the subject, Rachel, which to remind you is teething problems. And your time starts now.

[Rachel Parris]

I've experienced teething problems in that. Mine have all gone out of alignment as I've got older, had a beautiful set as a teenager and then year by year they've gone.

[Sue Perkins]

But what was it, Paul, you challenged? What, pray tell, is it?

[Paul Merton]

Yes, a repetition of years.

[Lucy Porter]

Yes, it's fruit all over again, isn't it?

[Sue Perkins]

Yeah, exactly that.

[Rachel Parris]

These are what they call rookie mistakes.

[Sue Perkins]

It's easy to make a rookie mistake like that. I think the first time I ever played the game, I started with yoy. So it was amazing I ever got asked back. Correct challenge, Paul, it comes back to you. Teething problems with 13 seconds remaining. And your time starts now.

[Paul Merton]

I love my horse and I took him to the vet one day and the veterinary surgeon looked at him and he said, do you know what's wrong with this equine creature? I said, I have no idea. He says, look at the number of dentures that he has got in his gob. I nearly said, cleaning one.

[Sue Perkins]

You got.

[Paul Merton]

Wait a minute.

[Sue Perkins]

Paul speaking as the whistle went, picked up the point. And Giles, we're with you. Let's see now, your subject is. I refuse to go back to.

[Giles Brandreth]

Oh, I see, Yes.

[Sue Perkins]

I refuse to go back to. I mean, there's so many places. I wonder where you'll start. I tell you where it won't be. And that's the answer. Won't be Buckingham palace. You've got 60 seconds. You've got 60 seconds and your time starts now.

[Giles Brandreth]

I refuse to go back to Buckingham palace now that the King and Queen have let it be known that they will not be living there. I refuse also to go back to Downing street, however much they press me. And they're looking for new Prime Ministers most weeks now, and consequently they've actually reached me on the list and I've said I'm not high enough on the pecking order. So I refuse to go back there. I also refuse to go back to that little.

[Sue Perkins]

Oh, Lucy, there.

[Lucy Porter]

Repetition.

[Giles Brandreth]

A little word like there.

[Lucy Porter]

Oh, Is that too much?

[Sue Perkins]

Giles? You've become childlike and desperate in your pleading. And I like it.

[Paul Merton]

Bear's got more letters than fruit.

[Sue Perkins]

Absolutely that, Lucy. It's a correction. Giles doesn't like it. And that's why I'm very eager to make sure it keeps happening again and again and again. You've got 36 seconds remaining on the clock, Lucy, to remind you, the subjects I refuse to go back to. Your time starts now.

[Lucy Porter]

I refuse to go back to letting Giles Brandreth get away with things, because I really have let him do a lot.

[Sue Perkins]

Giles.

[Giles Brandreth]

Repetition of let.

[Sue Perkins]

But it's such a small word, Giles.

[Giles Brandreth]

But it's a verb.

[Sue Perkins]

It is a verb.

[Giles Brandreth]

Whereas there isn't

[Sue Perkins]

Mr. Giles, making some sort of additional rules. No, listen. Repetition is a repetition. You're absolutely right. You've got the subject back now, Giles, with just 29 seconds on the clock. Tell us where else you refuse to go back to, starting now.

[Giles Brandreth]

I refused to go back to the Cardoma Coffee shop in Oxford when I first met Lucy Porter. The experience was such that it traumatized me for the rest of my life. She exuded Riz and a neurotic charge that has quite confused my whole life. She turned me from being an innocent boy into being Paul.

[Paul Merton]

How much was this erotic charge?

[Giles Brandreth]

What are you going to discover? Because this erotic charge turned me from being an innocent boy into. Right.

[Lucy Porter]

My erotic charge is very low these days, I'll be honest.

[Giles Brandreth]

But this was many years. Well, not that many years ago, because it couldn't be in your case, but it was some years.

[Sue Perkins]

And he used the word Riz, which I can't really get over. I was going to say, yeah.

[Rachel Parris]

Please explain Riz to the people of my generation. And below.

[Sue Perkins]

No, above Riz.

[Giles Brandreth]

As you probably know, you exude Riz.

[Rachel Parris]

No one says Riz better than you, Giles.

[Giles Brandreth]

No, but Riz is a kind of charisma. It's a vogue word from about eight years ago. I learned it from one of my grandchildren.

[Sue Perkins]

Yes. Great. Well, listen, Paul, I really appreciate you just breaking his chain of thought for a second. It was really, I think, very important to just correct the behavior like you might do an excitable spaniel. Do you have a challenge?

[Paul Merton]

I don't have a legitimate challenge, no.

[Sue Perkins]

I'd just like to thank you on a personal level then. But I will unfortunately have to let Giles. Lucy, are you okay for Giles to continue?

[Lucy Porter]

I'm very excited to see where this is going, to be honest.

[Paul Merton]

Yes.

[Rachel Parris]

I just.

[Paul Merton]

It felt like there should be an intervention.

[Sue Perkins]

Yes, I think you were wise to make it at that point. 15 seconds. Giles Rizz us all you can, starting now.

[Giles Brandreth]

I refuse to go back to 1953, though often I yearn to, because the television then was in black and white and I prefer color. The coronation is what I watched in that particular year and it was a glorious event. Yes. I refuse to go back.

[Sue Perkins]

Giles was speaking as the whistle went and gets the point. And, Rachel, you have the next subject and it is the last time I made a citizen's arrest. What can you tell us? I can't wait to see where you're going to take this one. You've got 60 seconds. Last time I made a citizen's arrest. Your time starts now.

[Rachel Parris]

The last time I made a citizen's arrest, I didn't do a very good job. Come with me, Sonny Jim, my lad, I said in a Yorkshire accent, apparently that I'd adopted to give myself an air of authority, which, in hindsight, I don't believe it did. What have I even done? He was from that place, it turned out, which made it seem as if I was mocking him. But in all I wanted was to incarcerate the man who had parked his lime bike dead center of the pavement. Where I live in Balham, very close to my house. I am that person who will trawl the streets of that borough looking for people who have parked in an unruly. And,

[Lucy Porter]

Lucy, I'm so awful to say, but parked. They parked twice.

[Sue Perkins]

Yes, it was double parked.

[Lucy Porter]

Fair.

[Sue Perkins]

It's a correct challenge. Repetition. And you did brilliantly there, Rachel. You spoke for a total of 43 seconds. That was fantastic. My maths is correct, leaving you with just 17. Lucy, you have the subject. The last time I made a citizen's arrest. Starting now.

[Lucy Porter]

The last time I made a citizen's arrest was in the Cardoma Coffee Shop in Oxford when a young boy accosted me. He was wearing a bright skin sweater and he was wanting to know about My erotic charge. I said it's three and six to you, Sunny Jim.

[Sue Perkins]

Oh, that. That narrative ended nicely. I enjoyed that. Well done, Lucy. You were speaking as the whistle went. You get the point. And that's the end of the round, so let's have a look at some of those vital scores. And I know that is the reason that so many of you tune in. I know my mum, Anne, is so keen to always find out, round on round, exactly where everyone stands numerically. So this one's for you, Mum. In third place, we have Rachel. In second place we have Paul. And in joint lead, we have Lucy and Giles. Lucy, we're back with you again and your subject's going to be. I channeled my inner Sherlock Holmes. Okay, let's see what your detective skills are like. Can you speak for 60 seconds without hesitating, repeating or deviating on? I channelled my inner Sherlock Holmes. And your time starts now.

[Lucy Porter]

I channeled my inner Sherlock Holmes today by taking a lot of cocaine and being rude to my housekeeper. I was wearing a deerstalker hat at the time. As I generally do in the morning. I channeled my inner Sherlock Holmes when I challenged my husband to tell me the whereabouts of the chocolate eclair I had been saving and looking forward to as a treat. He claimed ignorance, but I could see from his satisfied grin and his creamy chops that the culprit stood before me. I drew myself up to my.

[Sue Perkins]

Oh, Rachel.

[Rachel Parris]

Bit of hesitation, high knee.

[Sue Perkins]

That was a great start.

[Lucy Porter]

I was about to say. I drew myself up to my full height and then I realised how ridiculous that is.

[Sue Perkins]

Correct challenge. Rachel, you've got 20 seconds left on the subject, which, to remind you is. I channeled my inner Sherlock Holmes. Starting now.

[Rachel Parris]

I channeled my inner Sherlock Holmes as I desperately searched for any form of deviation or hesitation in Lucy Porter's monologue, which was going on for a good length of time and entertaining people, I didn't have any wish to ruin it. However, with great alacrity and with great.

[Sue Perkins]

The jumper, pretty mean. Speed. Speed. Yeah, you were absolutely.

[Giles Brandreth]

Yeah, that was correct use, wasn't it?

[Rachel Parris]

It was a shot in the dark.

[Sue Perkins]

I'll be honest, it was the perfect choice of words. Unfortunately, there was a repetition, I believe, Giles, you want to. Illuminatus.

[Giles Brandreth]

Correct.

[Sue Perkins]

Indeed there was. And in classic Giles styley. Two seconds remain. Okay, so, two seconds remaining on the subject of. I channelled my inner Sherlock Holmes. Starting now.

[Giles Brandreth]

The last time I made a citizen's arrest, I channeled my inner Sherlock Holmes. Paul, challenge.

[Sue Perkins]

Paul, Challenge.

[Paul Merton]

Hesitation. I only said that to see the look on Giles face.

[Sue Perkins]

His jaw almost attached like an ant.

[Rachel Parris]

What is it?

[Sue Perkins]

Is it an anaconda who does the eating and who does the crushing? Which one detaches its jaw?

[Giles Brandreth]

I was frightened I was actually going to have a stroke.

[Sue Perkins]

We don't want that for you.

[Giles Brandreth]

That's very sweet.

[Sue Perkins]

I don't want any ill to come to you, but I do really like it when we really mess around with you. I mean, just for the facial expression alone, I'm going to give Paul a point, but I would like Paul to describe it because I don't really have the words, but he did sort of seem to detach his bottom jaw.

[Paul Merton]

Yeah, it was like his jaw was on a bungee jump.

[Sue Perkins]

So with one second with you, get the subject back, Giles, which should remind you as I channeled my inner Sherlock Holmes. And your time starts now.

[Giles Brandreth]

Dr. Watson turned to me and he said,

[Sue Perkins]

Fantastic stuff. Speaking as the whistle went. Gets the point. And Giles, you're up next. What have we got? Your subject is. You ready for this?

[Giles Brandreth]

Yes.

[Sue Perkins]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Would you like me to repeat that?

[Giles Brandreth]

You're determined to induce this stroke, are you?

[Paul Merton]

Well, you only have to say it twice. And that's the minute up.

[Lucy Porter]

Yeah.

[Sue Perkins]

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck give? A woodchuck could chuck wood.

[Giles Brandreth]

Okay.

[Sue Perkins]

I mean, I know you'll have something on it particular if Queen Camilla has ever met a woodchuck, in which case you'll be ashamed. You've got 60 seconds on how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Starts now.

[Giles Brandreth]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? My first ever blind date was with a Canadian lumberjack known as a Jackie, because she was female. And I enticed her by asking her that very question. And we had an amusing evening discussing how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And she said to me, I know another tongue twister which I could play with you. And I said, oh, is there one that begins red leather? And she said, yes, and then yellow of a different kind. And so we had a lot of fun. I told her about the first time I appeared on the BBC.

[Sue Perkins]

I don't believe.

[Giles Brandreth]

Can't happen. It happened. No, it didn't. It didn't. It was an aberration. I plead guilty.

[Sue Perkins]

Yes, well, listen. And Paul, honestly, your buzzing skills there were Extraordinary. So.

[Giles Brandreth]

Well, they weren't. It was so obvious.

[Paul Merton]

I mean, honestly, not that obvious to all of us, Giles.

[Giles Brandreth]

No, no, clearly not.

[Sue Perkins]

So just. It's such a shame this isn't televised. Just simply, just. Giles, facial expressions alone, that's worth the

[Paul Merton]

license for your loan.

[Sue Perkins]

It really is. Okay, so.

[Paul Merton]

So repetition. Can I say repetition of B?

[Sue Perkins]

Yes, you can. That indeed is the correct challenge. You get the subject now, which remind you, is how much wood would woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And it starts now.

[Paul Merton]

The British Broadcasting Corporation is a fine institution. It started in 1922. And when we think about woodchucks.

[Sue Perkins]

Oh, Charles.

[Giles Brandreth]

The British Broadcasting company started in 1922. The British Broadcasting Corporation came two years later.

[Paul Merton]

No, he's right.

[Sue Perkins]

He's absolutely. Oh, that is savage.

[Paul Merton]

I'll give it to jars. I want to hear more about the BBC. I'm ready and waiting. The chances are he's forgotten.

[Sue Perkins]

Oh, it's like watching a David Attenborough film with two old lions going at each other. Just a load of gazelles trotting past going, we seem to be in luck today, Giles. I know you're excited. You've got it back. It's yours. 14 seconds on.

[Paul Merton]

I can't believe.

[Sue Perkins]

I've got to say it again. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Starting now.

[Giles Brandreth]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck? Wood was set to music by Chuck berry in about 1967. And I remember the way it went. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck? Would a woodchuck.

[Paul Merton]

No, no, we've got to stop this. Well, it's deviation. Chuck Berry never wrote such a. I

[Sue Perkins]

think we can give Giles the comedic license of that. But I agree this sound, right, it

[Giles Brandreth]

wasn't Chuck Berry, it was Mary Berry.

[Sue Perkins]

I'm going to say that that was a great intervention, Paul, because we. We didn't need to hear Giles ever singing. But it wasn't a correct challenge in the rules of just a minute, which means he does get the subject back. I'm going to plead to your better judgment not to ululate in that manner again. Two seconds remaining, starting now.

[Giles Brandreth]

When you have teething problems saying, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a.

[Sue Perkins]

And finally, Rachel, we are with you and your subject, which is Peter Piper picked a pickle pepper. No, it isn't. It isn't that. Your subject is. My phone knows too much about me.

[Lucy Porter]

Yeah.

[Sue Perkins]

Indeed. All right. I think we can all relate to that. Can you speak for a minute on my phone knows too much about me. Starting now.

[Rachel Parris]

My phone knows too much about me, which is evidenced every day when the algorithm shows me the most beautiful colorful floral dresses which are right up my street. Holidays to the Caribbean which I cannot afford but would like and enjoy just watching on the screen. Very funny videos which appeal exactly to my sense of humor. And that means I scroll and scroll.

[Sue Perkins]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Parris]

It's as if I don't know what this game is.

[Giles Brandreth]

It's on the BBC.

[Sue Perkins]

If only somebody could tell us when that was founded. Again. Just going so beautifully for such a long time.

[Rachel Parris]

It's when I let myself relax.

[Sue Perkins]

Never do that.

[Giles Brandreth]

Never do that.

[Sue Perkins]

Keep everything taut.

[Rachel Parris]

Yeah, I'm clenching right now.

[Lucy Porter]

Yeah.

[Sue Perkins]

I mean, look at Giles. From gullet to rectum. He is ramrod.

[Rachel Parris]

A rigid man.

[Sue Perkins]

Yes. It was a correct challenge. Well done. Paul. You've got 34 seconds on the subject, which is my phone knows too much about me. Starting now.

[Paul Merton]

I haven't got one.

[Sue Perkins]

You're quite analog. I love that about you. You must have one. But it must be. Is it an old school one? Not.

[Paul Merton]

I used to have one in the 90s when they first came out and I lost it and I didn't miss it when a phone was just a. The phone and I never bothered since.

[Sue Perkins]

Good for you.

[Paul Merton]

Yeah, it's good.

[Sue Perkins]

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

[Paul Merton]

But I'm at a disadvantage when it comes to this particular subject. I didn't want to lie.

[Sue Perkins]

No, I mean, that's the thing about you. You will just say your piece and you did in two seconds. And then you were correctly challenged by Lucy.

[Lucy Porter]

For I knew he didn't have a phone.

[Paul Merton]

Yeah.

[Lucy Porter]

So I just anticipated it might be briefed. So I'm gonna say probably. Hesitation.

[Sue Perkins]

Right. That's a correct challenge. Lucy, well done. 32 seconds. You've got the subject. My phone knows too much about me. Starting now.

[Lucy Porter]

Technically, your phone doesn't know anything about you. It's the people who control your phone who have information. So I suspect the Chinese government have a working knowledge of the number of times I Google does my cat love me? And they are probably laughing it up. The Kremlin is probably thinking, Rachel.

[Rachel Parris]

Probably. Repetition of probably.

[Sue Perkins]

A repetition of probably. I love the Kremlin just devoting its time to laughing at you. If only they did, the world would be happier place. It's a correct challenge. Rachel, back with you. Of course it's my phone knows too much about me.

[Rachel Parris]

Starting now, my phone knows far too much about me as evidenced when it asks me day and night.

[Sue Perkins]

Well, speaking as the whistle went means that you get the point. And the end of that round, let's have a look at the scores. Rachel is in fourth. Third, we've got Lucy in second, we've got Paul and just one point ahead, Mr. Giles Brandreth. Right, we're going to canter into round three with you now, Lucy. And on the card, your subject is Sorry to bother your. What can you say on Sorry to bother you? Your time starts now.

[Lucy Porter]

Sorry to bother your is a phrase I use far too frequently along with no worries. If not, it put an end to my career as an armed robber because I would go into a bank and say, sorry to bother you, but could I have all your money, please? And they would simply say, no, Charles.

[Sue Perkins]

Repetition of say, yeah, yes, it's a little word.

[Giles Brandreth]

It is a little word.

[Sue Perkins]

Not verby, is it?

[Giles Brandreth]

Say is a verb. Yes, to say is a verb. Unlike there. T H E R E there. I mean, it's neither here nor there. I was just, you know, going by the rules of the game, that's all.

[Sue Perkins]

There's a little word and sometimes we gloss over, but sometimes, you know, we get people on who really embrace the more gladiatorial spirit of the game, don't we? Some people for whom it means just so much more than a light hearted panel show.

[Paul Merton]

You get the feeling with some people it's the highlight of their life.

[Sue Perkins]

It's a tough challenge, but listen, Lucy is an incredibly experienced, brilliant player of the game. So I think we have to hold her to a high standard. 39 seconds. Giles, it is all yours. It's. Sorry to bother you, starting now.

[Giles Brandreth]

Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a blind date and you seem to be somebody who might be interested in that. I noticed that you were having teething problems and I happened to have some dentifix about me and I thought possibly I could assist you. I heard about this on the British Broadcasting Corporation's marvelous medical program, which they're hoping to put on television with excerpts from. Just because the facial contortions of some of the contestants imply they may be sickening for something. Sorry to bother you, but I'd love to tell you that you are physically so attractive that I'm in a state of some convulsions here. It's a problem for me and I know that I should be going to medical advice for this.

[Sue Perkins]

Joseph speaking as the whistle went, which means he gets the point and with that, we move into the final round. Paul, this is on the card. I couldn't believe what Sue Perkins said about. I worry where this one might go. Can you speak for 60 seconds on the subject? I couldn't believe what Sue Perkins said about. Your time starts now.

[Paul Merton]

I couldn't believe what Sue Perkins said about gluten free bread. For me, it didn't seem to be a particularly annoying subject. But somehow it gets underlined underneath her skin. She goes into baker shops and she asks them if they've got particular dough described by me just a moment ago. And they say, yes, we have. There's a whole shelf of it there. She says, I shall take the lot. She grabs hold of the produce, she runs out to the street and she kicks it right up the ass. And have you ever seen anybody kick a loaf?

[Giles Brandreth]

Oh, no mistake. Yes, it was kicks and followed by kicks.

[Paul Merton]

That's right.

[Sue Perkins]

Yes, it was.

[Giles Brandreth]

I was thrown by the vulgarity of one of the words, but I accept it was a mistake on my part. Absolutely.

[Rachel Parris]

Rachel, was there repetition of loaf, though?

[Sue Perkins]

No, I think there was.

[Lucy Porter]

Sorry.

[Rachel Parris]

I did creep that one in on the back of Giles.

[Giles Brandreth]

It's worth a try.

[Lucy Porter]

Yeah.

[Sue Perkins]

Never creep anything in on the back of Giles. I'm just gonna say that it's an incorrect challenge. So you get the subject back. Paul, 32 seconds remaining on. I couldn't believe what Sue Perkins said about starting now.

[Paul Merton]

I couldn't believe what Sue Perkins said about Giles Brandry before the recording tonight. She said there's something about his animal magnetism that draws me towards him like a moth to a flame. I want to be embraced in his big manly arms and be taken all the way to St Albans and back. It's something about his sexual charisma that drives me absolutely wild. I can't get enough of him. When I see him on television, I say to myself, there is a God, an Adonis, somebody that should be admired. Statues should be put on.

[Giles Brandreth]

May I give all the points I've accrued so far to Paul?

[Sue Perkins]

You may not. You deserve them. But that was fantastic from you. Paul. You were speaking as the whistle went. I have to just take you up on one little thing. It wasn't St Alban's, it was Rickman's work.

[Paul Merton]

Yes.

[Sue Perkins]

Just want to be clear on that because we. And you know, as you say, we like to be honest. So that was the last subject, final round, and that means we're due for some scores. It's a really tightly fought contest, actually. This week. Rachel is in fourth place. Just ahead is Lucy. And just ahead is Paul. And one point ahead is today's winner, Mr. Giles Brandreth. And then, my lovelies, we have to leave. But first of all, I'd really like to thank all the players of today's game. Paul Merton, Lucy Porter, Giles Brandreth and Rachel Parris. And of course, we thank the legends of this game, Ian Messeter and Nicholas Parsons. Big thanks to Katie Bourne for blowing the whistle so magnificently. The producer was Georgia Keating and It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. And this is me, Sue Perkins, saying thanks ever so for listening wherever you are. And please do join us again the next time we play. Just a minute. Hi there, it's sue here. And listen, if you enjoyed that episode of Comedy of the Week, why not check out all the other episodes available on BBC Sounds? Just simply search. Just a minute. So, Alice Loxton.

[Paul Merton]

I'm here for the history.

[Sue Perkins]

Well, Ben Henderson, I like the formality and that's perfect because we have a lot of history to share. Why did tea become such a British obsession? How did English turn into the language we speak today?

[Rachel Parris]

And yes, why do women's clothes still not have pockets?

[Paul Merton]

Well, in our new podcast here for

[Sue Perkins]

the History, we're investigating how stories from

[Paul Merton]

the past shape everyday life today.

[Sue Perkins]

Basically, the things we've all noticed but never stopped to question. Listen on BBC Sounds or watch on YouTube. Just search for here for the history.