One Person Found This Helpful

Summary

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Comedy of the Week – "One Person Found This Helpful"

Host: Frank Skinner
Panel: Dee Allam, Pierre Novelli, Zoe Lyons, Hassan Al Habib
Date: June 8, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Comedy of the Week" features the BBC Radio 4 comedy panel show "One Person Found This Helpful." Host Frank Skinner leads a hilarious exploration of genuine online reviews, from eccentric Amazon critiques to unexpected feedback in real life. The panel—Dee Allam, Pierre Novelli, Zoe Lyons, and Hassan Al Habib—share personal anecdotes, play games guessing the source of bizarre reviews, and riff on our collective obsession with reviewing everything.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Being “Put Through the Minsa” by Critics

[00:12 – 05:45]

• Panelists share their harshest criticisms:
  • Hassan Al Habib recounts his first university gig and a patron's racially-tinged "compliment":

    “That was very, very good English.” (Hassan, 01:05) “For £10,000 I’ll do an accent.” (Hassan, 01:49)

  • Pierre Novelli shares his tour listing in The Guardian:

    “Back to basics observational comedy, no overarching themes.” (Pierre, 02:10)

    • Frank calls it unfair:

      “It’s like a review of Gothic architect... Yours is an elaborate baroque act.” (Frank, 02:24)

  • Dee Allam's harshest review was from a romantic partner after learning Kurdish for months, only to discover she’d learned the wrong dialect:

    “Are you feeling alright?” (Dee, 03:22)

    • The lesson: grand gestures can spectacularly misfire.
  • Frank Skinner recalls getting dumped naked in bed;

    “I got out of bed immediately and put my pants on and then got back into bed, almost as if to set right where you won’t be seeing again.” (Frank, 04:24)

  • Zoe Lyons finds her most cutting reviews in unfiltered bathroom chat at Edinburgh:

    “I just have to spend the rest of my life in a middle cubicle in an Edinburgh toilet.” (Zoe, 05:18)

    • Her “revenge” was scribbling a positive review on toilet paper for her critics.

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2. What Am I Watching? – Guess the Movie/Show

[05:45 – 12:01]

• Shawshank Redemption review notes a realism issue:

  “My only objection is that prisoners would fart a lot more, I’m guessing.” (Frank, 06:03)

• Teams are given oddball reviews and must guess the subject:
  • The Seventh Seal
    • “A man tries to avoid death.” (Review, 06:51)
    • Full reveal:

      “Is it the Seventh Seal, playing chess against death?” (Pierre, 07:46)

    • Frank riffs on students’ dislike:

      “Only film school nerd snobs enjoy this shit. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you, Henry.” (Frank, 08:54)

    • Anecdote: accidental Jackson 5 in a student production:

      “Supposed to be ominous Gregorian chant, what it actually played was Blame it on the Boogie by the Jackson 5.” (Pierre, 08:16)

  • Peppa Pig
    • Oddly focused review on character attire:

      “Their attires consist only of shirts for all the male characters and dresses for all the female ones.” (Frank, 10:22)

    • Solution:

      “Is it Peppa Pig?” (Hassan, 11:29)

    • Frank’s comparison:

      “The cartoon about a lovable family of hair dryer shaped pigs. Once you’ve heard that comparison…” (Frank, 11:33)

    • Pierre notes:

      “There is a genital aspect to Peppa Pig.” (Pierre, 11:49)

    • American reviewer warns:

      “Don’t let your kid watch it if you don’t want them to turn out British.” (Frank, 12:01)

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3. Fahrenheit 450: One-Star Book Reviews

[12:01 – 20:03]

• Frank introduces outlandish books, such as "Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself" (13:00).
• Zoe’s Find:
  • Self-help oddity:

    “How to Goodbye Depression. If you constrict anus a hundred times every day…” (Zoe, 13:14)

    • Reviewers complain about not enough focus on the, er, constriction:

      “We were hoping for a lot more anus constriction and we were disappointed. One star.” (Zoe, 14:31)

    • Another reviewer:

      “Not only has my mental health improved, but I can now open bottles without using my hands.” (Zoe, 15:19)

• Hassan’s Find:
  • “Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way”

    “Useful tips for practice administration, staff management, and laying siege to the city of Baghdad.” (Hassan, 16:43)

    • He quips:

      “Genghis is how you pronounce the word dentist when you’re in the middle of having a filling done.” (Hassan, 16:49)

• Dee’s Find:
  • “GCSE Geography AQA Complete Revision and Practice Guide”

    “Lots of topics covered. Urban planning—case study of Birmingham. Urban decay—case study of Birmingham. Natural disasters—Birmingham.” (Dee, 17:39)

    • Reviews:

      “I failed.” (Dee, 17:53) “Daughter seems happy… screams every other weekend, doesn’t it?” (Dee, 18:14)

• Pierre’s Find:
  • “Jesus on Gardening”
    • Chapters include “Jesus on soil,” “Jesus on weed killer.”

    “All of which function as fantastic things to say if you stub your toe or lose something.” (Pierre, 19:26)

    • Points awarded, with bonus to Zoe for her “constricted anus” discovery.

      “I don’t think we’re going to top that.” (Frank, 20:00)

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4. What Did I Buy? – Guess the Product from the Review

[20:03 – 26:34]

• Review about a lifesize Andy Murray cutout:

  “There have been a few scares when she came down in the morning and the postman got the fright of his life.” (Frank, 21:15)

• Dee and Pierre’s Clues:
  • Complaints about “burning rubber,” sleep miscalculations, “rewarding me for my incredible cardio load whilst also nagging me to work out because I haven’t moved since Sunday…” (Frank, 22:05)
  • Guessed:

    “It is a Fitbit.” (Frank, 22:37)

  • Humorous tactics:

    “I just attach my Fitbit to my dog and let him out in the garden.” (Zoe, 22:42) “Placing your Fitbit on The dog's tail really burns the calories.” (Frank, 22:50)

• Zoe and Hassan’s Clues:
  • First review:

    “OMG. The saltiest substance known to man... Far too salty after 1 teaspoon.” (Frank, 23:37) “Is it salt?” (Zoe, 23:37)

    • Frank launches into a story about his dad’s “season and run” method of self-defense.
  • Second review references rodents and neck-breaking:

    “Most of them only get as far as opening their mouths before snap. I’ve lost count of how many have succumbed to its naughty, sweet stickiness… entitled Great for breaking necks!!!” (Frank, 24:16)

  • Final clue:

    “Very sloppy and lumpy knots, which was actually a note I once found on my pillow.” (Frank, 25:10)

  • Pierre offers:

    “Peanut butter.” (Pierre, 26:20)

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5. Bonus: The Most Sinister Review

[27:06]

• Frank reads a review of a Halloween screaming goat toy:

  “Not impressed. Sounds like a screaming badger, not a goat, and I should know.” (Frank, 27:17)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Are you not here on that £10,000 refugee scholarship?" – Hassan Al Habib [01:28]
• “For £10,000 I’ll do an accent.” – Hassan Al Habib [01:49]
• "I've got out of bed immediately and put my pants on and got back into bed..." – Frank Skinner [04:24]
• “We were hoping for a lot more anus constriction and we were disappointed. One star.” – Zoe Lyons [14:31]
• “This book has helped me through some tough times. Not only has my mental health improved, but I can now open bottles without using my hands.” – Zoe Lyons [15:19]
• “Only film school nerd snobs enjoy this shit. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you, Henry.” – Frank Skinner [08:54]
• “There is a genital aspect to Peppa Pig.” – Pierre Novelli [11:49]
• “Very sloppy and lumpy knots, which was actually a note I once found on my pillow.” – Frank Skinner [25:10]
• “Not impressed. Sounds like a screaming badger, not a goat, and I should know.” – Frank Skinner [27:17]

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Episode Scores & Closing

[26:34 – 27:35]

• Final scores: Dee and Pierre win with 8 points; Zoe and Hassan have 7.
• Frank closes with a sinister review of the Halloween screaming goat toy.

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Tone & Style

Dry, self-deprecating British wit, with a healthy mix of wordplay, absurdity, and gentle ribbing at the world of customer complaints and reviews. The panel is quick to riff off each other's stories and the oddities of internet culture.

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Great for anyone who loves panel games, weird reviews, and a sharp dose of British satire on modern obsessions.

Transcript

[A]

This is one person, families helpful, with me, frank skinner.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Yes, welcome to One Person, Families Helpful, the show where we look at online reviews, all genuine. And sometimes people write great long screeds about what they've just bought. Other times they're more succinct. Like this person who purchased a 3,3000 watt electric meat grinder with two stainless steel blades, four grinding plates and a kibble kit and simply said, I was able to process an elk. So, please welcome our four star panel. On my left is Dee Allam and Pierre Novelli, and on my right is Zoe Lyons and Hassan Al Abib. So it's been a show all about reviews. I want to ask the panelists if they've ever been put through the minsa by a critic and if so, to share it with us now, starting with Hassan.

[B]

I had. This is the feedback I got after my first gig at university. Older man comes up to me and he says, that was. That was very, very. That was very good English. I said, sorry, what do you mean?

[A]

He said, are you not here on

[B]

that 10,000 pound refugee scholarship? I said, look, my dad came to this country from Iraq to study for a PhD in engineering. He raised my sisters and I in the West Midlands and we've never even been to Iraq. So let me ask you a question, sir. Do you think I'd still be eligible? Because for £10,000 I'll do an accent. We had to filib. No bin collection. Very unhygienic in a Birmingham.

[A]

What about you, Pierre?

[C]

I'm on tour at the moment and the tour got listed in the Guardian, which is a new thing for me that's never happened before. But in the listing, in their recommendation, back to basics, observational comedy, no overarching themes.

[A]

It's like a review of Gothic Architect and not true. Yours is an elaborate baroque act. Very unfair to the Guardian. Why are they so bitter? I read one recently and it said something like, life changing drama, three stars. What about you, Dee?

[D]

Well, my worst ever review was actually from a romantic partner. It was my first relationship that I was in. I was like 18 years old. And in hindsight, that relationship was never going to work, you know, because I was a woman and she was a harlot, basically. I could feel it failing. So I tried to make like a big sort of gesture, like win her back. And something important to know about my girlfriend at the time is that she was Kurdish. The Kurds are like an ethnic group from the Middle East. They're very proud of their own culture and particularly of their own Language. So what I thought I would do as a sort of a big romantic gesture is, is spend six months of my life learning Kurdish. I could go and surprise her with a little speech. So I found a man online called Kamal, who's often like Kurdish tutoring, helped put together this little speech. I go over to her house on Christmas Day and I say the first line of this speech, which was the twanm ksab kambariyak I kurdi, which means I have been learning a little bit of Kurdish. I've got, shall I say. And she looks at me, I'll never forget this. She looks at me and she says, what? So I say it again and she says, are you feeling alright? And I say, no. And it turns out that Kamal has taught me a very specific dialect of Kurdish which is not mutually intelligible with the very normal kind of Kurdish that my girlfriend speaks at home. So. Any Kurds in that's terrified.

[A]

A few passersby. I got dumped by a woman. We were naked in bed together and she said, look, I need to tell. I can't carry on with this. I need to tell you I've been seeing someone else. It's all over. And I remember I got out of bed immediately and put my pants on and then got back into bed, almost as if to set right where you won't be seeing again. You got any nightmare reviews?

[E]

Yeah, many. I mean, I. I tend not to seek out reviews, but occasionally you have reviews thrust upon you. The worst place I found for that, of course, is the Edinburgh Festival. As a comedian. I just finished the show. This is why I never use public toilets anymore. I was in the middle cubicle of the ladies loos and two women came either side of me in the. In the other toilets and then just continued to absolutely destroy me. They went, did you like her? I didn't like her. Did you like her? I didn't like. I didn't think she was very funny at all. I didn't think that. What did you think, Sharon? I didn't think she was very good. I hope the next person's better than that. And I couldn't leave the loo. And I thought, well, clearly I live here now. This is where I live. I'll just have to spend the rest of my life in a middle cubicle in an Edinburgh toilet. In the end, I resorted to just writing on a piece of toilet paper. I quite like to shoved it under the floor.

[A]

Okay, this round's called what Am I Watching? And it's about films. For every film there's an opinion, although sometimes the opinion is a little unexpected. Like this person reviewing the 1994 classic the Shawshank Redemption. Near perfect movie. Moving, humane. The scene where Andy Dufresne plays Solaria from the Marriage of Figaro is perhaps the supreme tribute to men transcending their surroundings. My only objection is that prisoners would fart a lot more, I'm guessing. I mean, even solitary confinement is not without its freedoms. So each team is going to hear two reviews left by people who've watched a particular movie, and they have to work out what that movie is. If they can't get it after two, I'll give them another review. But then they only get one point. We'll start with D and Pierre. And here's your first review. And it has a philosophical bent. It is said that no man can avoid death and taxes in this much praised allegorical film. A man tries to avoid death. Perhaps a film about a man avoiding taxes would have been more amusing.

[D]

Well, Jimmy Cary's very funny.

[A]

Yeah, he is. So, any ideas?

[C]

Is there one where specifically they try and avoid the Reaper that you can think of?

[D]

Only a terrible film called Meet Joe Black where Brad Pitt plays the devil and he speaks in Jamaican patois to an elderly black lady. It's very good. I don't know if you've seen this. Really.

[C]

I'm watching it now.

[A]

I suppose if you're the devil, then no one expects very much from you in the way of morality.

[C]

I think we need a second review.

[A]

Okay, here comes one. If you're going to watch one of the old classics and want to know where that scene with death comes from in Bill and Ted's excellent adventure, you should be able to get through this film.

[C]

Ah, I think I know what this is. Is it the seventh seal playing chess against death?

[A]

It is the seventh seal, yes. Ingmar Bergman's monumental 1957 film where a knight played plays chess with death. There's a very nice review that says if Death knows how to counter the Sicilian defense, I am so doomed.

[C]

Some friends of mine at university put on a production of the Seventh Seal and there was a tech error. And when in this very ominous scene where the reaper leads the knight to the little table to play chess for his soul, it was supposed to play kind of ominous sort of Gregorian chant. And what it actually played was Blame it on the Boogie by the Jackson

[D]

5,

[C]

in one of the reviews, they said it's a very interesting choice to contrast death with

[A]

such funky tunes. Yeah, yeah. Of course. As the Michael Jackson story Developed.

[B]

Oh God.

[A]

Oh God. Okay, yes, the Seventh Seal. Not everyone's a fan of like this reviewer who said, a guy in a hoodie announcing he's death, but he agrees to a chess game on a chessboard that just happens to be set up there. Then we cut to a few people sleeping in a sheep wagon. A guy wakes up, goes outside and starts dancing around. Name one guy ever who woke up and failed to take a leak. That's what I mean by pathetic director. I have to say, when I wake up to take a leak, I'm often guilty of pathetic directing. Of course, a lot of students have to watch it and some of them aren't happy about it. Like this reviewer had to watch this for a class in community college. Only film school nerd snobs enjoy this shit. Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you, Henry. We'll never know. Okay, Zoe and Hassan, a little bit different because you're going to hear reviews of a television series. So here's your first one. It's a bit grumpy. The animation and art style don't resemble something a professional would do. Everything is lazily drawn. Their attires consist only of shirts for all the male characters and dresses for all the female ones. Plain black shoes and no sleeves. I have nothing against people who wear sleeveless shirts, but you'd expect at least one character with sleeves on. If the males are only wearing shirts. I don't think the thing I'd be worried about is that they didn't have sleeves. Any ideas?

[E]

Hang on. I'm really confused. So are these sleeveless animals?

[D]

I think most animals are sleeveless, actually.

[E]

I mean, who doesn't like an orangutan and a tank top? I just find if an animal wears a tank top, my dog's got a lovely tank top. It just keeps his arms free, you know, playing ball. But I'm not. I'm trying to think of animals.

[A]

Your dog's got arms. Well, you know, front arms as well as the legs.

[E]

This is very, very confusing.

[B]

I think I might know what it is.

[E]

Really.

[A]

You can get a second clue without missing anything, and that might hammer it home for you. Some of them barely resemble their animal species. For instance, Blanc and her family look more like striped bears than zebras. Well, Blanc and her family closely resemble hair dryers.

[B]

Is it. It's not Peppa Pig. Peppa Pig? Is it Peppa Pig?

[A]

It is Peppa Pig. The cartoon about a lovable family of hair dryer shaped pigs. I have to say, once you've heard that comparison. Every time you see Peppa Pig after you can see the hairdryer, I will

[C]

say head rise is the polite comparison. There is a genital aspect to Peppa Pigs. Oh, maybe remove one nostril and get back to me.

[A]

You want more clues? I know you've got it, but they're always fun, aren't they? What about this one from an American website? Whatever you do, don't let your kid watch it if you don't want them to turn out British. Anyway, at the end of that round, D and Pierre are on two points. And Zoe and Hassan are on two points. Okay, this round's called Fahrenheit 450. One star. Not every book can be a bestseller, but there's a book out there for everyone. Like this one I found called Fancy Coffins to Make yourself, published in 2000 by Dale Power, a woodworking enthusiast about which one reviewer said, practice makes perfect. So I'm probably going to make some for friends and family first. Even more worryingly, someone else gave it for five stars and wrote in block capitals. I have made three coffins and have ideas for more. If I was you, I'd keep your voice down, mate. So, teams, I want you to tell me about the most extraordinary books that would have been better left as a bit of tree. And I want reviews as well. We'll start with Zoe.

[E]

Right, well, in a world where you'd think we've reached peak self help book, I will say nay to that and have discovered a manual for mental health which has really fascinated me. It's called how to Goodbye Depression. If you constrict anus a hundred times every day. The back cover of the book says, I think constricting anus a hundred times and denting navel is effective to goodbye depression and take back youth. It has to be said. This is a Japanese book that has been, I'm going to say, roughly translated into English.

[A]

Can I ask the audience to wait till they get home before they type?

[E]

Well, you see, it says they could be doing it here. You can do it.

[A]

Yeah, but I don't want a pleat in the upholstery. Sorry, sorry, Zoe. Carry on.

[E]

It's this handy little mental health tip. You can do it at a boring meeting or on the subway, so why not? I mean, it would have got me through my toilet review episode a lot better, I think. And it has come with reviews. This one it gets a whole gallon of.

[A]

I was hoping it might.

[E]

Yes, yes, it says, a cursory look at this book would suggest that anus constriction is the main point of the book, but it isn't. We were hoping for a lot more anus constriction and we were disappointed. One star.

[A]

I like that. It's one star.

[E]

Yeah, one solitary brown star for that one. Somebody else, another one star review here. Said my husband bought it for my 34th birthday. I do not recommend anyone buying this as an actual gift. Sad tale there, but yes, it gets the full array of ratings and somebody's obviously very impressed with it. Said this book has helped me through some tough times. Not only has my mental health improved, but I can now open bottles without using my hands. That's, of course, there's a five star review there for us.

[A]

Okay. Hassan, what about you?

[B]

Well, I mean, this could be useful for people. I don't know who we've got in the audience today. Managing a dental practice the Genghis Khan way. It's by Michael Young, who probably also authored classics like running your own nursery, Lessons from Vlad the Impaler. The book says that the Mongolian warlord is relevant because Genghis Khan is one of history's most charismatic leaders, which sounds like it was written by people who have recently been conquered by Genghis Khan. The forward states, whether the Tata you're into is plaque buildup or the various tribes on the steppes of Mongolia. This book has you covered. And then there's some. Some very nice reviews. I, I bought this book to fill in the gaps left by dental school. Useful tips for practice administration, staff management and laying siege to the city of Baghdad. And finally, I suspect the only thing this book has to do with the great leader is Genghis is how you pronounce the word dentist when you're in the middle of having a filling done.

[A]

And what have you found, Dee?

[D]

Well, I found a book that I think has probably inspired more tears, more pain and more misery than any other book perhaps ever written. It is, of course, the GCSE geography AQA complete revision and practice guide. I don't know if you've picked it up. It's an amazing read. It's actually rated number one in science books about weather for young adults. Pretty good. It's actually beaten in second place, a book which is a real book called My first tornado. The sky's big surprise. Quite the twist in that book. Let me sell you. Thank you so much. But it's an amazing little revision guide. Lots of topics covered. Each topic comes with its own case study. So urban planning. They've got a case study of Birmingham Urban Decay. Case study of Birmingham, Natural disasters. Birmingham.

[A]

Alright, we get it, Jay.

[D]

I've got another eight more and we've got some lovely reviews. Quite a lot of children reviewing the book, just sort of complaining about having to study geography or just generally not doing very well. So I've got a one star review that just says I failed. And that review was on 5 June 2025, which was one day after paper three of Human Geography. So it was before the results came out. But he knew that he failed. He really did. It's very clear to him. I've got a four star review for someone called Peter who says daughter seems happy. More of a view of his relationship with his daughter, I think.

[A]

Yeah, he could have asked.

[D]

Yeah, it just screams every other weekend, doesn't it? Really, really can't feel it. You should pick it up if you haven't it. Seen. Seen it.

[A]

Well, I have a habit of killing things with a bleak anecdote. But I had to walk out of my CSE geography because I had a hangover and the man, the teacher had to watch me be sick in case I'd hidden a textbook in the toilet.

[C]

In your stomach.

[A]

Luckily it had been dissolved. Okay, Pierre, what you got?

[C]

I chose Jesus on Gardening by David Musket. It's a book of theological musings by vicar based around how often gardening does come up in the parables of Jesus. Which is a lot to be fair. It's got a lot to work with. No Amazon reviews, lots of in book endorsements, but they are all from other men of the cloth, which seems a bit suspect, but it is one of the few books available without a Stephen Fry cover quote. So that does make it unique. If you look at the chapter list, some examples of chapters in this book are Jesus on soil, Jesus on fruit

[A]

trees, Jesus on water.

[C]

My personal favorite, Jesus on weed killer. All of which function as fantastic things to say if you stub your toe or lose something. What I do respect about the book is every chapter does open with a direct Bible quote from the relevant bit of gardening metaphor. And as a kid I remember having, even as a child, no respect for any sermon that attempted to appeal to me with some sort of, you know, in a way, Christ is the most valuable pokemon of all. Tedious metaphor.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Also on the Amazon page. Recommended for me. Lent with Thomas Aquinas, which is a book about Lent and not a two for one.

[A]

Yeah, my parish priest is very funny. He said we're trying to get the roof fixed. He said the good news is we've got all the money we need. The bad news is it's in your bank accounts. Well, I mean, they're all. They're all pretty amazing. I think it has to be, doesn't it? The constricted anus. I don't think we're going to top that. See, I'm going to give you a point each, but two points to Zoe for finding that monstrosity. Okay, this round's called what Did I Buy? People do buy the strangest things and then review them. Like this person who wrote it. Mom just loved her life. Size cut out of Andy Murray. She loves tennis and Wimbledon. There have been a few scares when she came down in the morning and the postman got the fright of his life. But apart from that, he's been very popular. Must be art with just a bit of thin cardboard to capture the charismatic, raw vitality. Andy Morrow. So each team's gonna hear two real reviews of a product and they have to work out what it is. If they can't get it after two, I'll give them another review, but at the cost of a point. So, Dee and Pierre, here is your first review. Useless. Wearing it too tight at night. I got too warm and woke up to the smell of burning rubber. Please, I'm Catholic. It also confuses sleep with calmly sitting down. I had one day where it told me I'd slept for 34 hours based on the length of a single day. This is impossible. I love the explanation at the end for those of us who hadn't worked out that that wasn't quite right. Any thoughts on that?

[C]

Burning rubber. Why would it be burning? How hard can you sleep?

[D]

Well, that is the question. How hard indeed.

[C]

I'm getting an inkling of what it could be, but we can't.

[A]

Well, you might as well take the second. Yeah, yeah. Because it don't cost you nothing. I've been really sick this week to the point where I went to urgent care because my resting heart rate was 150bpm. My blank has been both rewarding me for my incredible cardio load whilst also nagging me to work out because I haven't been able to move since Sunday. I think you might guess what it is. What do you think?

[D]

I think it might be a Fitbit of some description.

[A]

It is a Fitbit.

[E]

If I'm trying to get my steps up, I just attach my Fitbit to my dog and let him out in the garden. It does rack them up. It really does.

[A]

Someone says here, actually, I found that placing your Fitbit on The dog's tail really burns the calories. Yeah. I must try my hummingbird. I like this review. I find it hilarious that literally all of my active zone times correlate to when I was getting my 3 year old out of the door and in her car seat. The struggle is real. Anyway, you're absolutely right. It was a Fitbit. Now it's Zoe and Hasan's turn. So what product merited this review? Omg. The saltiest substance known to man. Saltier than the Dead Sea. Far too salty after 1 teaspoon. I have a terrible stomach.

[E]

Is it salt?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

You struggle to get saltier than salt.

[A]

I wish people would review salt. My dad used to keep salt in his jacket pocket. As he said, if ever anyone approached him with menace. He said, what you do is you hold one hand up and with the other you throw salt in their eyes.

[E]

What? Just season them. And some bay leaves while I'm at it.

[A]

Did I mention that he was a cannibal?

[B]

You should show him pepper spray. He'd love that.

[E]

Properly seasoned. You need salt and pepper. Pepper.

[A]

Maybe that was in the other pocket. Here's your next review. This stuff is fantastic. I don't eat it personally, but the local rodents do. They love it. Well, at least I think they do. Most of them only get as far as opening their mouths before snap. I've lost count of how many have succumbed to its naughty, sweet stickiness. It must be at least 100 over the years. And if you think that's bad. The review is entitled Great for breaking necks. Three exclamation marks.

[B]

It's got to be a cheese of some kind.

[E]

I can't think of a cheese that's ever broken my neck unless I've driven past the shop and gone, oh, brie. Well, isn't it? Doesn't it sound like a sort of mouse killer catcher?

[B]

So you combine it with the trap, obviously.

[F]

The cheese.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Are we allowed a third clue?

[A]

Do you want the third clue?

[B]

Go on. Yeah, please.

[A]

So most of the complaints about it, I should say, were about its consistency. This one said very sloppy and lumpy knots, which was actually a note I once found on my pillow. Does that help? Very sloppy and lumpy knots.

[E]

Very sloppy and lumpy knots. And the neck breaker.

[A]

I must admit, I didn't know about the rodent thing, but apparently this is a common thing that I should have known about. This is what the producer told me. Now, I think my point has been proven.

[C]

I. I know about this.

[A]

Oh, you do? Okay.

[B]

As a killer, it's not you don't put salt in porridge.

[E]

Salty porridge. You do put salt in porridge, do you?

[A]

Yes, in Scotland. In Scotland, they put. I was in a hotel in Edinburgh and I said to the waitress, she brought the breakfast thing and I said, oh, is this. Is this salty, the porridge? And she said, I'm not the chef.

[E]

Well, I mean, it sounds like rodent killing porridge.

[A]

Are you telling me you don't know?

[E]

I think that's what we're trying to say.

[A]

I think Pierre Nivelli knows. He's looking smog.

[C]

Peanut butter.

[A]

It is peanut butter.

[C]

They love it, the rats.

[E]

Oh,

[A]

can I just ask for a quick show of hands, how many people knew that they used peanut butter on. Oh, Lord, a lot of people.

[C]

All the people with the dirtiest houses in the cr.

[A]

One more review from Anita in France and can I remind you, she's reviewing peanut butter. She said, too peanutty. So let's have a look at the final scores. Dee and Pierre have eight points and Zoe and Hassan have seven. So Dee and Pierre are this week's winners. So before we finish, I just wanted to. To share this review. And it's about. This is a sinister review. I'm warning you. It's about a novelty item which is called the Halloween Screaming Goat Toy. You press its middle and it makes a screaming noise. Which raises a few questions, but not as many as this review left by someone who wrote, not impressed. Sounds like a screaming badger, not a goat, and I should know. Goodbye.

[F]

This Helpful was hosted by Frank Skinner and starred Dee Allen, Pierre Navelli, Zoe Lyons and Hassan Al Habib. It was written by Frank Skinner, Catherine Bridworth, Sarah Dunster, Jason Hazley, Carl Minns, Katie Sayer and Peter Toulouche. The show was devised by Jason Hazely and Simon Evans with the producer David Tyler, and it was a positive production for BBC Radio 4.

[A]

Thanks for listening to Comedy of the Week. If you want to hear more episodes of One Person Found this Helpful, you can search for it on BBC Sounds.

[G]

Greetings, malevolent munchkins, fiendish friends and devilish do gooders. Welcome back to the home of the oxymoron evil genius. I'm Russell Cain and I'm delighted to be steering the ship that unceremoniously wrenches historic figures from their perfect pedestals so that we can decide whether they're evil genius or a heady concoction of the two. It's like the podcast version of telling your kids the ice cream van plays music when it's out of ice cream. Yes, it's evil. Yes, it's genius. Get on board now and listen to Evil Genius on BBC Sounds.