P.O.V.

Summary

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Comedy of the Week – "P.O.V."

BBC Radio 4 | June 29, 2026

Episode Overview

The latest "Comedy of the Week" episode, titled "P.O.V.," delivers a smart, rapid-fire parade of sketches parodying British life, media, and culture through inventive formats and snappy dialogue. With a mix of sports commentary, travel misadventures, HR advice, true crime mockumentaries, and more, the episode lampoons the conventions, clichés, and everyday absurdities of UK society in 2026. The tone is cheeky and satirical, with each sketch riffing on a specific genre or social trope, often with a surreal or biting twist.

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Key Sketches, Highlights, and Notable Moments

1. Olympic Gardening Finals

(00:15 – 02:39)

• Spoofing high-stakes sports commentary with an "Olympic gardening" contest between two elderly women: Shirley Stockingtight (legendary at 94) and young upstart Audrey Beard (a mere 82).
• Play-by-play of gardening moves — nasturtiums, bird feeders, ornamental mosses — treated with the gravity of an Olympic event.
• Wink to celebrity culture with Khloe Kardashian and Doja Cat in the audience.
• Bizarre escalation: “Not a single out LGBTQ player at the international level. There goes the whistle. But Shelley and Audrey aren't even listening. They've disappeared inside a polytunnel. My goodness, Leslie, I was not expecting that.” (01:37, Leslie)
• Satirizes both sports media and diversity discourse with deadpan energy.

“She really comes into her own in the hoeing and mulching. Well, she came to prominence in fact for her hoeing in the late 70s, I think.” (00:53, Leslie)

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2. Viking "Gap Year" & Religious Awakenings

(02:46 – 04:58)

• Magnus reunites with friends after traveling through “Ruse” and serving in the Varangian guard, before discovering Christianity in "England".
• Parodies spiritual conversion clichés, with Norse friends baffled by monotheism, ritualized haircuts, and the promise of a biscuit at church.
• Subtly mocks both backpacker self-discovery and religious rites.

“If you go to his house once a week, you get to have a biscuit.” (04:11, Magnus)

“But if you don't do it, then I'll kill you and burn your house down right now.” (04:54, Magnus — undercutting the earlier peace with Norse aggression)

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3. The Surreal British Rail Experience

(05:07 – 07:23, recurring)

• Train Manager Graham provides an absurdist barrage of instructions and ticketing rules, parodying the infamous complexity and officiousness of British train travel.
• Sketch humorously layers increasingly impossible requirements on travelers, ending with a withering admonition to leave if even slightly non-compliant.

“If you have any of those tickets, they are not valid for travel, so please leave the train now… Carriage eight is wild carriage.” (06:00, Train Manager Graham)

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4. Media Satire – "The Rest Is Entertainment"

(07:23 – 10:12)

• Parody of prestige TV review podcasts featuring Marina Hyde and Richard Osman, dripping with sycophantic praise for a fictional prestige drama, "The Boy".
• Jabs at industry fawning, subtle influencer sponsorships (Sky), and the instant "cancellation" of stars.
• Hilariously deflates critical discourse: “That’s your piping hot take, is it, Richard, you love tv. Oh, watch your fingers on the hob. They're gonna get burnt.” (08:19, Marina Hyde)

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5. Polite British Mugging & Awkwardness

(10:12 – 11:19)

• A mugging plays out in excruciatingly polite fashion as the mugger and victim navigate British social etiquette over a messy bag search, each apologizing for the inconvenience.

“I just feel bad because, you know, you're trying to rob me, but I didn't realize how disorganized my bag was.” (10:50, Unnamed Male)

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6. Phone Repair – Wizard Style

(11:49 – 13:55)

• Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini) attempts to magically fix a broken phone, only for the owner to request the "bowl of rice" technique instead.
• The sketch lampoons both magical thinking and everyday tech troubleshooting:
• "It draws the moisture out really well." / "That's incredible. Like magic." (13:50, Unnamed Phone Owner & Joseph Edwards)

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7. Corporate HR Podcast "Sally's Sofa"

(14:04 – 16:24)

• Fictional HR rep gives relationship advice to a "work wife" suffering heartbreak, slides into corporate euphemisms, and touts the productivity benefits of work crushes.
• Satire targets both the inanity of internal company podcasts and the blurred boundaries of office life.

“Fret not, my love. I would advise that you go to the wedding… It’ll definitely work in your favor.” (15:06, Elaine as HR)

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8. British Politeness & Deferral – A Lifetime’s Distraction

(16:24 – 18:17)

• A policeman comes to deliver bad news but is repeatedly distracted by British hospitality, leading to a lifetime of diversions – tea, soup, marriage, an entire shared existence – before finally delivering the original message after 34 years.
• Final punchline: “Your car tax is overdue.” (18:04, Policeman)

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9. “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” with a Baby

(18:27 – 20:22)

• “Adam, a baby from Leicester,” plays “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” with typical contestant tropes and baby illogic.
• The contest unspools to slapstick, ending in a literal messy moment when Adam (the baby) answers “milk” instead of “moo”, then needs changing after losing £32,000.

“Do you want to phone a friend?” / “I don't have any friends. I'm a baby.” (19:21, Host & Adam)

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10. Bond Parody – Ursula Crab Pussy

(20:22 – 22:47)

• The Bond villainess, Ursula Crab Pussy, is underwhelmed (and disgusted) by British culinary and cocktail offerings—martinis, oysters, cigars.
• Sharp parody of Bond tropes and British tastes:

“It's like drinking a casserole.” (21:26, Listener/Participant on the martini)

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11. Football Gender Politics

(23:15 – 25:01)

• Two pub football fans debate gender equality in football, one-upping each other's feminist credentials and exposing their own prejudices, culminating with performative equality:

“I've taught my daughter to pee standing up—I'm so for gender equality!” (24:28, Male Football Fan)

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12. True Crime Podcast Parody – "Death Ville"

(25:13 – 27:07)

• Self-aware, rambling parody of true crime addiction with a family traumatized by a crime that is never actually described, reveling in genre clichés:

“Nobody expected what would happen because if we did, then it wouldn't have happened and it wouldn't have been a shock because we would have known what was going to happen. But we were shocked because we didn't expect it.” (25:40, Leslie)

“The person that did this is definitely a criminal because they did. A crime.” (26:36, Ursula Crab Pussy)

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Notable Quotes

Olympic Gardening, on Diversity:
“There goes the whistle. But Shelley and Audrey aren't even listening. They've disappeared inside a polytunnel. My goodness, Leslie, I was not expecting that.” (01:37, Darren)

Viking Converts:
“If you go to his house once a week, you get to have a biscuit.” (04:11, Magnus)

Train Rules Absurdity:
“Carriage eight is wild carriage.” (06:21, Train Manager Graham)

Media Sycophancy:
“I am lucky to be alive at the exact same time as this cast and crew.” (09:09, Richard Osman)
“That’s your piping hot take, is it, Richard, you love tv.” (08:19, Marina Hyde)

Millionaire Baby, on Lifelines:
“I don't have any friends. I'm a baby.” (19:22, Adam)

True Crime Parody:
“Nobody expected what would happen because if we did, then it wouldn't have happened...” (25:40, Leslie)

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Additional Highlights & Structure

• Satirical Depth: Throughout, the episode lampoons contemporary British fixations—bureaucracy, cordial awkwardness, industry self-regard, performative wokeness, and our love/hate relationship with national culture and institutions.
• Variety & Pacing: P.O.V. excels at rapid transitions, keeping each bit fresh and unpredictable.
• Cast Chemistry: Comedian voices are distinct and well-matched for snappy ensemble work; meta-moments add layers for attentive listeners.

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Timestamps for Key Sections

• 00:15 Olympic Gardening Finals
• 02:46 Viking Travels and Religious Conversion
• 05:07 Absurd Train Announcements
• 07:23 Prestige TV Podcast Parody
• 10:12 Awkward British Mugging
• 11:49 Wizard Phone Repairs
• 14:04 HR Corporate Podcast
• 16:24 Lifetime British Deference Comedy
• 18:27 Baby on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”
• 20:22 Bond Parody (Ursula Crab Pussy)
• 23:15 Football & Gender Satire
• 25:13 True Crime Podcast Parody ("Death Ville")

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Final Thoughts

"P.O.V." skillfully spoofs Britain’s obsessions and quirks, delivering comedy that’s at once familiar and deliciously ridiculous. Perfect for listeners who enjoy sharp, modern sketch writing and unafraid social satire, it’s a highly entertaining sampler of contemporary British comedy’s best flavors.

Transcript

[Magnus]

Pov a sketch challenge.

[Leslie]

Nail biting atmosphere in the Olympic gardening stadium this morning. That's right, Leslie. We have just seen an historic crash up from rock star horticulturalist Bernard Maypole in the men's gardening finals only moments ago. And now it's the women's turn and it promises to be every bit as electric. Shirley stockingtight preparing theirs, doing her trademark stretches. 94 this summer. Game's never been stronger. And her opponent, Audrey Beard there, known as the young buck in the gardening world on account of her mere 82 years of age. The referee holding up her hand. We're about to begin.

[Darren]

And we're off. Audrey straight in with the nasturtiums.

[Leslie]

Nice way to get some easy points.

[Darren]

Shirley lagging behind a little.

[Leslie]

She's still selecting a bird feeder, but then she's always been strongest in the mid game.

[Bjorn]

Darren.

[Darren]

Correct.

[Leslie]

She really comes into her own in the hoeing and mulching. Well, she came to prominence in fact for her hoeing in the late 70s, I think.

[Darren]

That's right, Leslie.

[Leslie]

Audrey lining up her ornamental mosses, settling in for a protracted match. Khloe Kardashian in the audience there watching intensely. She's been a long time fan of Shirley's. Meanwhile, Doja cat not far along the row cheering for Audrey, urging her on. It's a star studded event as usual with this one.

[Darren]

It's certainly one of the more popular

[Leslie]

events with the glitterati types, as it were. Shirley snaps into focus. Secateurs practically a blur.

[Darren]

Audrey goes in with some aggressive water

[Leslie]

featuring really nice footwork.

[Darren]

But Shirley's already countering it with a stone statue of a frog. That's some seriously advanced stuff.

[Leslie]

Audrey winces at a twinge in her back, adjusts the terracotta pot. That's double points.

[Darren]

Shirley pinches back some chrysanthemums. Audrey aerates her raised beds. Shirley erects a gazebo. Audrey goes to advance her copper sing. Shirley calls foul. She says someone's been meddling with her perennials.

[Leslie]

The referee shakes his head and apologies just then for any foul language heard from the crowd. Shirley's agitating her Zen garden.

[Darren]

Audrey smecks it back with a chamomile trellis. Shirley rakes a leaf. She's furious. Audrey's taunting her. She goes to trowel her mixed border, but Shirley snook at her with an art deco sundial. No, it's Audrey cursing. She hardly even makes it to the butterfly garden. And Shirley's just seen Audrey's raised beds. She's livid. Both women read the face. I can't tell what they're saying, but they don't look happy. Audrey tips over her potting badly, advancing with a watering can there. They're hissing. What is happening? I've never seen something like this in all my years of Olympic gardening. The crowd, absolutely losing it. They're on their feet. The cheering's deafening. This is an historic moment for the competitive gardening world. Until now, I believe. Not a single out LGBTQ player at the international level. There goes the whistle. But Shelley and Audrey aren't even listening. They've disappeared inside a polytunnel. My goodness, Leslie, I was not expecting that. I mean, it just goes to show why this sport really is as gripping as it gets, more as we get it. We'll be back after a short break with the judges.

[Leslie]

Deliberations. Don't go away.

[Magnus]

Hey, Magnus.

[Bjorn]

Bjorn.

[Unnamed Friend]

Oh, my God. It's been ages. Where have you been, man?

[Magnus]

I took a gap year and went solo traveling for a bit.

[Unnamed Friend]

Wow, nice. Where'd you go?

[Magnus]

All over Ruse. Byzantium. I was in the Varangian guard for a bit when I ran out of money, but mainly England.

[Bjorn]

England.

[Unnamed Friend]

Oh, that's so cool, mate. What was it like?

[Magnus]

It was literally so amazing. The people, the food, the culture, they're so spiritual down there, and it's kind of infectious. Like, I could feel myself getting so in touch with my spirituality.

[Unnamed Friend]

Well, you look well.

[Magnus]

Thanks. I started whipping myself on the back.

[Unnamed Friend]

And you've done something to your hair.

[Magnus]

Yeah, I completely shaved it, except for a little ring around the side. It's a Christian thing.

[Unnamed Friend]

A what thing?

[Magnus]

Christian. It's what they believe in down there. I spent some time in a temple with the monks, and I know it's kind of cringe to be that Norse guy that goes traveling to discover Southern religion, but it's, like, literally changed my life.

[Unnamed Friend]

Oh, wow. Yeah. Must be some pantheon.

[Magnus]

It's not even. It's just one guy.

[Unnamed Friend]

You're pulling my leg. One.

[Train Manager Graham]

One God.

[Unnamed Friend]

Like, if we just had Odin or something, sort of.

[Magnus]

He also has a son.

[Unnamed Friend]

Oh. Like Thor. Is this guy also like a. You know, a noble warrior destined to die in battle against a great serpent?

[Magnus]

No, he was just killed by a couple of normal Italians.

[Unnamed Friend]

Oh, cool.

[Magnus]

Yeah, he's really cool, man. And if you go to his house once a week, you get to have a biscuit.

[Unnamed Friend]

His hat. God's house.

[Magnus]

Yeah. It's like every temple is his house, and you can go and have a biscuit in there.

[Unnamed Friend]

You can't have the Biscuit at home.

[Magnus]

Well, that doesn't work for him.

[Unnamed Friend]

They make you take a day off work to go to his house and have a biscuit.

[Magnus]

You don't have to take a day off. No, it's on Sunday.

[Unnamed Friend]

Well, yeah, I should. I should get back to work.

[Magnus]

Sorry, was I too heavy on the Christian thing?

[Bjorn]

No, no, no, no. I'm really. I'm really happy for you, man.

[Unnamed Friend]

It's just like. Yeah, you know, I haven't seen you for ages and life sort of goes on, you know.

[Magnus]

Oh, well, maybe we could make more of an effort to see each other. You could come to the church with me one Sunday.

[Unnamed Friend]

Maybe we could. But I would. But you know, man, I mean, we've just got our boy into a good pagan school and all this and. Da, da, da.

[Bjorn]

And I don't know, really want to

[Unnamed Friend]

mess any of that stuff up. Right.

[Magnus]

But if you don't do it, then I'll kill you and burn your house down right now.

[Unnamed Friend]

Right, then I reckon I will do it then. What kind of bicky is it?

[Train Manager Graham]

Hello and welcome aboard the 1039 to East Bornington. My name is Graham and I'm the train manager and my job is to ensure you have a safe and pleasant journey, but mostly to tell you off repeatedly for having the audacity to travel by rail. The train is about to depart. If you're not intending to travel, please leave the train now. And if you're not intending to travel, why are you on a train in the first place? Leave the train now. Please be aware that super advanced special tickets are not valid on this train, nor are special advance super tickets, advanced extra normal tickets or. Oh, wow, aren't you a big boy, Mr. Tickets. If you have any of those tickets, they are not valid for travel, so please leave the train now. Advanced super special tickets are valid on this train, but only as far as West Eastfield, where this train will divide. Please make sure you're in the right section of the train. Carriages 1, 3, 5 and 9 will be going north to East Bornington and carriages 2, 4, 6 and 7 will be turning west and making for the coast. Carriage eight is wild carriage. If you do not have a ticket and would like to buy one on the train, you may have to pay a fine. If you have a railcard, please ensure that you show it at the same time as your ticket, otherwise you may have to pay a fine. Please ensure that your face also looks exactly like it does in the photo on your railcard, otherwise you may have to pay a fine and Then leave the train. Do not leave any luggage in the vestibule areas. Do not leave any luggage in the aisles. Luggage must be placed in the luggage racks provided or jammed into a small space above your heads. All other luggage must leave the train. The buffet car will soon be opening on this train, offering a wide selection of snacks and hot drinks for a wide selection of prices from insanely high to requiring a new mortgage. The buffet car will open in carriage three, then move to carriage six before settling in carriage nine. On behalf of the whole train team, I'd like to wish you a very pleasant journey as long as you have the correct ticket type. Don't have any luggage and don't make a nuisance of yourselves. Otherwise, get off. Get off now.

[Marina Hyde]

Welcome to the Rest Is Entertainment with me, Marina Hyde. The answer to the question, what if one of the Mitford sisters had been a gossip columnist at the Sun? And me, Richard Osman, a man who always puts his neck on the line with a strong opinion, but only once. That opinion is part of the mainstream culture today. We're going to be talking about a fantastic piece of prestige scripted television that everyone is talking about. The boy.

[Richard Osman]

Absolutely. I have to tell you, Marina, I adored this show. It was a magnificent achievement. And the pilot episode we were all waiting for could not have been better. And I'm not saying that just because it's on Sky. Who are our good friends who sponsor this show? We only ever review sky shows highly because all their shows are genuinely brilliant.

[Marina Hyde]

I completely agree. It's a product of that rare alchemy of a superb writing team given complete creative freedom. Plus a cast of actors who know the characters innately well and can improvise. And that's why the show itself works so unbelievably well. Absolutely.

[Richard Osman]

And I just love the cast, too. And I love the writers. They are all such a lovely lot of human beings. I know a lot of the production team from Richard Osmond's House of Osmonds,

[Marina Hyde]

and they are the absolute best, kindest

[Richard Osman]

production team I've ever worked with.

[Marina Hyde]

I get that, Richard. But lovely people isn't what makes a production good. Ask Shelley Duvall. Stanley Kubrick wasn't a lovely bloke, but, my gosh, the Shining is pretty damn good. Well, by and large, as well as being great people, it's because they are the most talented people in the industry and at the absolute top of their game who cannot be bettered. Sure, sure, I've said that. It's a superb team, but why do you think this show works? So much better than, say, the Girl, which was also released this year. That team was also at the top of the industry. Why is Boy such a cut above within the top strata of prestige tv, Richard? Is it timing or capturing the zeitgeist? Because, by and large, I love tv. That's your piping hot take, is it, Richard, you love tv. Oh, watch your fingers on the hob. They're gonna get burnt. And call Kareem. It's time for a subway take. Also, I am lucky to be alive at the exact same time as this cast and crew.

[Unnamed Listener/Participant]

What?

[Marina Hyde]

I get that for the showrunners, maybe, but you're lucky to be alive at the same time as the runners dashing about, getting the coffees and salads and all the grips. You love them, do you? You don't know them. I do, mostly. And I can say, hand on heart, I love each and every one of them. And shout out to the entire cast and crew of the Boy for the show. You've given us all so much joy in our hearts. Producer Joey has just put in the chat that the leading act has been cancelled. I had heard rumblings about that.

[Richard Osman]

Shall I do a little retake then?

[Marina Hyde]

I think so, Richard.

[Richard Osman]

Let's just ask sky what they'd like us to say first.

[Unnamed Male]

Hand me your phone. Now. Oh, sorry.

[Ursula Crab Pussy]

Yes.

[Unnamed Listener/Participant]

Okay.

[Unnamed Male]

One second, one second.

[Elaine]

Well, it's just in my bag somewhere.

[Unnamed Male]

No rush. No, no, no, no, don't worry. I don't want to hold you up.

[Elaine]

It's just that it's at the bottom, I think. Yeah.

[Unnamed Male]

Oh, God.

[Unnamed Policeman]

This is.

[Unnamed Male]

This is embarrassing, honestly. Take your time. Take your time. It's just, you know. You know, women's bags, right? No pockets in our clothes. Everything's just in here. It's kind of like its own world, you know?

[Bjorn]

Huh?

[Marina Hyde]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Male]

Yes. You know, well, my wife is exactly the same. Yeah. Dana. It's like a black hole. Oh, there it is.

[Elaine]

Oh, no, that's.

[Unnamed Male]

That's lip balm. Oh, this? Oh, there's some parasites tomorrow, which is, like, one. I know you've had quite, quite a day. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm right.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Thank you.

[Unnamed Male]

Oh, sorry.

[Elaine]

Sorry.

[Unnamed Male Football Fan]

Don't apologize.

[Unnamed Male]

It's fine. You know, I just feel bad because, you know, you're trying to rob me, but I didn't realize how disorganized my bag was. Yeah, sorry about that. Oh, no, it's fine. Honestly, you know, I've blocked out the afternoon anyway. Oh, well, you're very organized. Well, you know. Well, you have to be these Days, so. Well, you know what? Do you want to have a look? I think you can actually find a quicker. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I would not want to intrude. No, no, no, please. I insisted. Are you sure?

[Elaine]

Absolutely.

[Unnamed Male]

Ah. Found it. Sorry about that. Yeah, sorry about that. I don't know. No problem at all. Oh, here you go. Thank you.

[Elaine]

Thank you.

[Unnamed Male]

Right, well, enjoy your day.

[Elaine]

No, you too. Elaine.

[Unnamed Male]

Long time.

[Elaine]

How are you?

[Unnamed Male]

Really, really bad.

[Magnus]

Actually,

[Unnamed Male]

I just got mugged. Oh, no.

[Elaine]

Are you okay? Actually, no. I think I came off as kind of rude.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Hello? Is anyone there?

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Ah. I wondered when I was going to be seeing you here. Joseph Edwards, I am the Great Gazini. How may I be of service?

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Great. So, my phone has stopped working. I was wondering if you could take a look at it for me.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Um, yes, I can take a look at the. Sorry, was that not pretty?

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Cool. What?

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

The music. The reverb. I knew your name without you telling me.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Eh? Yeah, that was good, man.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Good.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Yeah. Yeah, it was good.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Reading your mind is good. Okay, cool. Right. So you want me to, what, fix your phone?

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Yeah, it's been playing up for a few days. I've no idea why.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Okay, let's see. Gum, farama sala velasquez.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Sorry, what you doing?

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

An incantation? I'm conjuring up a new phone.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Right. It's just. I kind of want this one. Sorry, is that annoying? It's got all my contacts in it and stuff. It's just a bit of a nightmare. Changing sims and.

[Unnamed Friend]

Ah.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Fine.

[Unnamed Listener/Participant]

Right.

[Bjorn]

God.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

I'll just cast a healing charm on it then.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Where is my wand?

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Oh, do you have to use your wand? I don't know if my insurance covers that.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Do you want it fixed or not? Yep.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Sorry. Do your thing.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Yes. Unbelievable. Okay. Repairo mobilio.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Uh, I don't think that worked.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Oh, you. You're joking. Well, that was still pretty good, though, wasn't it?

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

What?

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

What do you mean, what? I literally shot a beam of light out of a stick, but the phone's still broken. A beam of light out of a. I mean, seriously. You try it, if you're so clever.

[Marina Hyde]

Go on, then.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Try it.

[Unnamed Male]

Go.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

Okay. Alakazam. Oh.

[Unnamed Male]

Oh.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

What's that?

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Nothing happened. Didn't think so. Not so easy, is it?

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

I guess.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

How did you break your phone, anyway?

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

I dropped it in a glass of water.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Well, why didn't you say so? Just put it in a bowl of rice overnight.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

What would that do?

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

It draws the moisture out really well.

[Unnamed Phone Owner]

That's incredible. Like magic.

[Joseph Edwards (The Great Gazini)]

Get out.

[Unnamed Male Football Fan]

Foreign.

[Elaine]

HR here. Usually you wonderful people of plant acon know, I would say it's just a quick one, Just a quick one when I call you up. But it has been mutually decided by management that I would better serve you all by calling less. So instead, I will continue to help you all through our brand new company podcast. So expect to hear from me more than ever. We'll start this first episode with a segment called Sally's Sofa where I take your work dilemmas and wave my magic HR wand at it. Bippity boppity zoom. Our first letter is from Sleepless in South Bermondsey, who says hi Sally. I've grown rather close with a guy in my department to the extent that he calls me his work wife and I call him my work husband. We spend every lunchtime together and I even make him food and bring it in which he adores. We share so much about ourselves. But I was shocked to find out he is getting married soon. I am invited, but what do I do? Oh, Janet in finance. I mean Sleepless in South Bermondsey. This sounds as painful and confusing as being a Millwall fan. Fret not, my love. I would advise that you go to the wedding. We tend to see men spending more time at the office once married and definitely once they have children. Don't know what the science is behind that, but it'll definitely work in your favor. Research shows an uptick in productivity from those with work crushes. And now it's a win win. Because it can't ever be anything more between you two. And I won't have to write up either you or Ben in procurement. I just know you're listening to this smiling. Do send your letters to Sally Sofa at Plantacres. Until next time.

[Unnamed Officer]

Hello, officer. Can I help?

[Unnamed Policeman]

I'm sorry to inform you, sir.

[Unnamed Officer]

Please come in.

[Unnamed Policeman]

Oh, thank you. Sir, As I was saying, I'm sorry to inform.

[Unnamed Officer]

Would you like a cup of tea?

[Unnamed Policeman]

No, better not.

[Unnamed Officer]

I've literally just boiled the kettle, so it's no trouble.

[Unnamed Policeman]

Okay, well, if it's no trouble, as I was saying, I'm afraid I have to tell you.

[Unnamed Officer]

Or sugar.

[Unnamed Policeman]

Milk and one sugar. As I was saying, you've got oat milk.

[Unnamed Officer]

Is that alright?

[Unnamed Policeman]

Yeah, whatever you have is fine for me, sir. So, as I was saying, would you like a scone?

[Unnamed Officer]

Oh, well, actually, what time is it coming up to lunch? I could do soup. Would you be interested in soup? I've got leek and potato or carrot and Coriander or just a plain scone?

[Unnamed Policeman]

No, the leek and potato soup would be most appropriate. Now, as I was saying.

[Unnamed Officer]

Was the soup all right?

[Unnamed Policeman]

It was very hearty. So, to return to the point of my visit, sir, would you like to

[Unnamed Officer]

go to the cinema with me this afternoon? I've got two tickets to the new Avengers movie, if you're interested.

[Unnamed Policeman]

Um, yes. Yes, I would be interested. So, as I was saying, sir, I'm afraid it's my duty to tell you

[Unnamed Officer]

I'm just going out to go and get some popcorn. Would you like sweet, salty or a mixture of sweet and salty?

[Unnamed Policeman]

What a mixture. Sounds intriguing. What a wonderful movie that was, sir. Thank you so much for inviting me. Anyway, to continue what I was trying to say, my friend, that I need.

[Unnamed Officer]

Would you like to stay the night?

[Unnamed Policeman]

Yes, I can do that. I think you should know, sir, that.

[Unnamed Officer]

Would you like to kiss me on the neck?

[Unnamed Policeman]

I don't see why not. Now, to return to the matter at

[Unnamed Officer]

hand, sir, will you marry me?

[Unnamed Policeman]

Yes, I think I will. Do you take this policeman to be your.

[Unnamed Officer]

Would you like a Malteser?

[Unnamed Policeman]

Oh, yeah.

[Unnamed Officer]

Go on, then.

[Unnamed Policeman]

So, as I was saying.

[Unnamed Officer]

What a magical wedding anniversary. 34 years. Shall I turn the light out or are you still reading?

[Unnamed Policeman]

You can turn the light off. Yes. So, as I was saying, sir.

[Unnamed Officer]

Oh, yeah. What was the reason for you dropping by all those years ago?

[Unnamed Policeman]

Your car tax is overdue.

[Unnamed Officer]

Oh, no. How overdue?

[Unnamed Policeman]

Well, it's about 34 years now.

[Unnamed Officer]

Goodness me. Well, thanks for letting me know.

[Unnamed Policeman]

Not a problem, sir. Just looking out for the community. I'll be on my way.

[Unnamed Officer]

Goodbye. What a nice policeman.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Welcome back to who Wants to Be a Millionaire? I'm here with Adam, a baby from Leicester. Before the break, we found out that you prefer to be called Munchkin. So should we stick with that? Yes, please. Okay, Bubba. Fantastic. So you're currently playing for £32,000. Lifelines intact. Let's have a look at your next question, shall we?

[Train Manager Graham]

Great.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

For £32,000, the cow goes. What is it A, boomu? Is it B, B, B? Is it C, woof woof. Or is it D?

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Milk.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Milk.

[Bjorn]

Wow.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Okay. Interesting.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Okay, so what are you thinking there, you little rascal?

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

So I definitely heard this recently. I don't think it's woof woof and baa baa. Just doesn't feel right.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Okay, okay. Just a hunch.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Just a hunch. At this point, Just a hunch. But it's either moo moo or milk milk. I've got a feeling it might be milk. Milk.

[Unnamed Male Football Fan]

Okay.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

And what makes you say that? Well, I just really like milk.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Do you want to phone a friend?

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

I don't have any friends. I'm a baby.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Ask the audience.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Well, it's a good idea, but A, I'm shy, and B, I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Okay, so 50. 50.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

50, 50, please.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Okay. Computer, please remove two wrong answers and leave two possible correct answers. Right. Okay, so we're left with moo. Moo or milk.

[Unnamed Male]

Milk.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

That's the worst possible outcome, really, isn't it? Right. I think we're gonna play because, I mean, if it's right, I win the money. If it's wrong, feel like I'm able

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

to get over it. You've literally got your whole life ahead of you. Okay.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Exactly. So let's lock in D. Milk. Milk.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Final answer?

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Final answer. I'm confident.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Are you sure you can handle this? You're not going to get upset? Computer, locking D. Adam, you've just lost £32,000. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

I'm fine, I'm fine.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

Sorry. What's that smell?

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

I just.

[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Host]

I got.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

I got nervous. I need changing. Can I go now, please?

[Ursula Crab Pussy]

Well, Mr. Bond, we meet again. I suppose no man can resist me, the intoxicating Ursula Crab Pussy. But I'm no fool. I know you're not just here to grab butt. You want me to reveal the location of the evil casino diamond hidden by my father, Viscount Crab Pussy. Well, I won't do that. But I'm happy to let you buy me a drink. What'll I have? Dealer's choice. As I was saying, Mr. Bond, the casino diamond is. Ah, quick work, bartender. These drinks certainly look exotic. They don't have these where I'm from in Crab Pussy Kingdom. What do you call it? Dirty martini, eh? Well, as I'm sure you'll find out, Mr. Bond, I'll try anything once.

[Unnamed Listener/Participant]

Oh my God. What was in that? Olives. Why would you put olives in a drink? It's like drinking a casserole.

[Ursula Crab Pussy]

I think I'll skip the drink for now. Mr. Bond, as I was saying, the diamond is patrolled by. Oh, would you look at that? A tray of hors d'. Oeuvres. Mr. Bond, won't you hand me one of those curious little shells? What do you call those? An oyster. How exotic. What's that, Mr. Bond? You're not sure I'll like it based on how I respond. Responded? To the dirty martini. You know what they say about assumptions, Mr. Bond, don't I'll give this oyster a try.

[Unnamed Listener/Participant]

Oh, my God. It's slimy. It's like drinking a worm. Oh, God.

[Ursula Crab Pussy]

I need to be rid of this wretched flavor. Perhaps an aromatic will do. Yes. Hand me what that gentleman is inhaling. Yes, the cigar. I don't care what it's called.

[Unnamed Listener/Participant]

I feel like I'm smoking the foundation of a house. Oh, God. Oh, God. Nasty, nasty, nasty.

[Ursula Crab Pussy]

Everything here is nasty. You know what, Mr. Bond? If being a secret agent means consuming this rank ass flavor palette night after night, then I want no part of it. I hid the diamond in the hot tub. Have fun. Does anyone in this bar have milk or some apple juice? Are we civilized?

[Unnamed Listener/Participant]

What is this?

[Unnamed Male Football Fan]

Oh.

[Train Manager Graham]

What?

[Unnamed Male Football Fan]

Offside again? If that's offside, this liner is having a shocker. And no, it's not. Because it's a woman. Before you say anything, I wasn't gonna say anything. Mate. Mate, get with the times. It's 2026. Leave the misogyny behind. Football is for men and women. In fact, I am a big fan of women's football. Yeah, watch it all the time. Oh, yeah?

[Bjorn]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Male Football Fan]

London 2012 Olympics. Women's Euros. Sukade isn't so great for men and women. Mate, you are so ignorant. I don't see gender. I see players. There's no he, she, just. Just them. Oh, Sam Smith. I'll let you know. I'm also a massive fan of women's football. Oh, really? Yep. I watched bendy Lydia Beckham, like, a hundred times. Mate, I've seen the film and the theatre production. And you call yourself a feminist? Okay, name Woman football. Jill Scott. Alex got Sporty Spice. Look, anyway, they're not called woman footballers. They're footballers. The fact that you have to define them by their gender first is quite appalling. Appalling? Yes, mate, appalling. We're meant to be living in a time of gender equality. I'm overall gender equality. I'm so forging their equality. I watch loose women when I'm by myself. I'm so fortunate that equality. On my birthday, I give my mum a present. I'm so full gender equality. I've taught my daughter to pee standing up. Yeah, well, I'm so full gender equality. Watch this. A lino. Can we have a decision? You blind? You see, I'm treating her the same way. As a male. I know. No special dispensation because someone's got two X chromosomes. No, that is true gender equality.

[Marina Hyde]

Excuse me, guys, but we don't tolerate that sort of language. Here, I'm gonna have to ask both to leave the school premises.

[Bjorn]

We all have three needs in life. To be safe, to be loved, to not be dead. Three needs that eluded one resident of a normal town.

[Magnus]

Death vill's just a normal, everyday town. Humdrum. Until it wasn't.

[Unnamed Narrator]

We're just a normal family. Close. Doing family things. Sunday dinners, binge watching tv. Naked Wednesdays. Yeah, just a normal family. Until we weren't.

[Leslie]

Nobody expected what would happen because if we did, then it wouldn't have happened and it wouldn't have been a shock because we would have known what was going to happen. But we were shocked because we didn't expect it.

[Bjorn]

A normal family. An unexpected and horrific event in a normal town.

[Ursula Crab Pussy]

Yeah, I've been an expert on this for over 20 hours. And when someone decides to do something wrong, really naughty, really naughty like this, then it's what we call a crime.

[Bjorn]

A normal town, a normal family. A shocking event. Somehow, 10 episodes, it's broken us as a family.

[Train Manager Graham]

We were just normal and now we are. We didn't see any of this coming.

[Unnamed Narrator]

It was a shock that meant life would never ever, never ever, ever be the same. Not even a day the same as it was because, well, it had changed.

[Ursula Crab Pussy]

The person that did this is definitely a criminal because they did. A crime.

[Bjorn]

Lives changed. A family shocked. What exactly happened in Death Ville? Next episode.

[Unnamed Narrator]

Life had changed.

[Unnamed Policeman]

Life had changed.

[Train Manager Graham]

We were all in shock.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Life had changed.

[Unnamed Friend]

We're all in shock.

[Unnamed Narrator]

We were all in shock.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Crime.

[Unnamed Narrator]

Things like this don't happen to normal families like us.

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Really bad.

[Bjorn]

Next time on every true crime podcast,

[Marina Hyde]

POV was written and performed by Davina

[Adam (Baby from Leicester)]

Bentley, Jake Bardwaj, Kylie Brakeman, Steven Buchanan,

[Marina Hyde]

Nathan Cayton, the Exploding Heads, Rachel Fairburn,

[Elaine]

Daniel Fox, Matt Green, Kelechi Okafor, Elayna

[Bjorn]

Wusu, and by Ed Nye and Paddy Young.

[Magnus]

It was produced by Ed Morrish and it was a lead mojo production for BBC Radio 4.

[Russell Cain]

Attention animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit told me that you're looking for a podcast, just like Evil Genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Cain, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, Evil Animals. Every episode I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room, our vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes, our bottlenose dolphins, sex obsessed savages. And we're going there. Domestic cats Evil or genius pig out on evil animals in the Evil Genius podcast feed first on BBC Sounds.