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Comedy of the Week
Slim's Guide to Life
00:14:14
Climb aboard for Slim tales of being a bus driver, and an unforgettable first comedy gig.
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Foreign. Hi, my name is slim, I'm 53, I'm a stand up comedian and I've been thinking about my life off recent. My kids have bought me a book, a Father's Guided Journal and Memory Keepsake Book. I thought it was something I was supposed to read, but it turns out something I'm supposed to actually fill out. But I haven't got time for that nonsense, so I'll just ask them. What do you need to know about me, son? Well, I'm in my 20s now. I just wanted to know what you was like when you was my age, if you can remember that far back. Give me the mic. Yeah, I can remember that far. Let me explain. When I hit my 20s, I was already a father off too. So I had to get serious, man. And it was no better job to show that than becoming a bus driver. Everybody knows bus drivers are serious. And I drove the buses for 15 years, right? Long time. I was actually driving the buses back in 93. You remember cash fares? Do you remember when you had to pay cash on the bus? That's when I started, man. And you get some really rude passengers. You do. Anybody that works with the public knows you get some really nice members of the public and then you get some right dickheads. And it's no different for bus drivers. You get the ones who say please and thank you. But then you get a passenger that gets on, throws their money down at you and just stands there looking at me like I'm psychic. Do you know what I mean? Or the worst ones were the ones that got on the bus, they throw the money so hard it slides off the tray and drops in your cab. And I thought that was quite rude because I thought I was quite a polite bus driver. So I used to find that change and I'd slide it back, I would, and it'd go ping, ping, ping and drop off the bus. And they always go off the bus to pick it up as soon as they got off the bus. See you later. See what I mean? I didn't even have to explain what the noise was. I know it sounds terrible, but bus drivers, you know, we hardly get any respect. And I understand why people don't like bus drivers because, you know, there was a time I wasn't a bus driver. You know, you're running for the bus and you sure you can get to it before the doors close, but as you reach the doors, they close on you. You bang on the door, he looks you in your eyes and then just drives up. That one cuts deep. I Know, but I wasn't that kind of bus driver people. I weren't. You know, in the whole 15 years of me driving my buses, I literally never left anybody I saw running for my bus. I'd always wait. But if you fall over, I ain't gonna lie, I'm gonna laugh. I will. It's one of the perks of the job. I think the worst fall I ever saw anybody take running for my bus would have been. I'll set the picture now. Yeah, it's one of those gray rainy days in London, you know, where the rain starts. Stop, stop, stop, stop, start, stop. Stopped raining, but the floor was still soaking wet. Now this lady came running from behind my bus thinking that I haven't seen her. But I saw her in the wing mirror. I see her. So I was waiting. So she's come trundling along now. She's quite a large lady and she's got two full shopping bags with her as well right now. Her mistake was she pulled up at the bus entrance too quickly. Basically. She tried to make a sudden stop. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, in the wet floor, her swinging shopping bags plus her weight. Science kicked in, people. Science kicked in. It did. Because she wobbled. Yeah. Slipped on her back and instead of stepping on the bus, she went under the step. I mean it. I'm not even talking a little way, I'm talking up to her chest. Seriously, when I look down on her, she looked like a mechanic. She did. She looked like a mechanic. I ain't gonna lie. I burst out laughing. I did. I don't mean in her face. Not in her face. You know what I mean? I kind of turned and looked out the driver's window, but she could see my shoulders shaking. She know what was going on. But I'm a good bus driver, ain't I? I am. So I got out of my cab and literally I had to hold both her arms to pull her from under my bus. Can you imagine? That Messed my mind up for most of the day. It did. Think about it, pulling someone from under your vehicle, you never actually knocked her down. That's a madness. As much work as we do, we never get the same respect as, say, airplane pilots do. You know, for a few years, I did have a personal beef with them. I did. I mean, they didn't know about the beef. Seriously, it was one sided, but I had a personal beef with them because of the amount of respect they got. You know, like when the plane takes off and lands. Oh, this really pisses me off. That's right. Big round of applause. Like it was a magic trick, you understand? Like we weren't supposed to land. No, man, that's his job. Think about it. Me a bus driver, yeah, driving buses for 15 years. These bendy streets of London with just my two hands, that if I was to let go of the steering wheel, everybody dead. How about that? So, yeah, I was jealous of their round of applause. I was. I wanted to be taken seriously to get some of that applause. So it's no surprise I became a comedian in my 20s. Let me tell you how I got into comedy. Yeah, I used to hang around with a comedy duo called Curtis and Ishmael. For those that don't know, they were known from the BBC comedy sketch show the real McCoy back in the 90s. I met them when the show was at its height and we got on, started to hang out and I began going to comedy shows with them. Eventually they kind of clocked my sense of humor and, you know, they'd start asking me, haven't you ever tried comedy? You done comedy before? And I always said no, never even thought about it, and left it there. Then Curtis and Ishmael split up and a few months later, Curtis had his first show by himself as a solo artist. So I went down to support him and just before the break, he jokingly, but also seriously said, I'm gonna put you up, man. Go up for a couple of minutes and do a little something. Now, I know Curtis much better now and I realised he must have been under his liquor when he said that for real, because I had nothing planned. And, yeah, I got nervous, I won't lie. We were heading towards the break and he said, he's putting me on right after. So nerves kicked in and while I'm thinking, I said, fuck it. I downed two double brandies, then I went outside, had a little Bob Marley Special Filtered. And yeah, that gave me the courage just to say, fuck it. And after the break, he introduced me on stage, I came out, told them I'd never done comedy before. Seriously. I was only up there for like three, four minutes, but it was absolutely nerve wracking. You got to remember, most comics start their career in front of like five people and maybe a support dog. Oh, there's a lot of them around now, mate. I started at the Hackney Empire in front of 1,000 people, my first ever gig. And I have to admit, I got a laugh. Yeah, And I felt so elated inside that you wouldn't see it, but I was like, you know, felt like I was dancing inside, man. But you see, when the laughter died down, I was like, oh, what's next? Remember, they're looking at me now. I'm looking at them and I'm panicking in my head, what do you say? What do you say? What do you say? And I just told myself, just tell them the truth, man. So I said to them, look, I ain't going to lie. Just before the break, Curtis told me, he's putting me up. So I went out and had two double brandies and I've had a bit of a Bob Marley special filtered. They giggled, I said, thank you, my name's Slim. And that was it. So far, so good. But the journey had only just begun. I still had my job on the buses, still figuring out things. And of course, still had daddy duties. I had four by the time I was 28, two boys and two girls. I will say I was becoming an expert in dealing with their different personalities. See, girls, they show a more caring side to them. They do. I'm not saying boys don't love you, they just don't show it. Like daughters. I mean, I'd come home from work, here, I'll be starving, ready for my dinner. My daughter's there, she comes running up to me and asks me, how are you, dad? You know, I'd say something simple like, I'm all right, darling, bit starving. Without fail, every time my daughters would do this, I'll feed you, Daddy. Now, they can't touch the proper cooker, but they've got all that plastic shit in their bedroom. Now, if you're a dad with daughters, you know what happens next. Yeah. Now you got to sit down at least half an hour drinking tea that ain't there. Yes, my darling, I will have another cup of wind. I know I sound like I'm taking the piss, but me and all my daughters are actually close. And now they're grown, they've actually told me how much they love that I would sit down and have the little tea party with them and listen to their woes. You see, boys ain't like that. You know, if I come home from work and greet my son and do the exact same thing. My son. How are you, dad? I'm alright, son. You know, bit tired. Bit starving, my son. Me too. Where's Mummy? Call social services, dad. This cannot continue. Now you see why I'm teen girls and not teen boys, even though I love them all equally. And although I love most of my daddy duties, there is some shit I never actually enjoyed doing. Like parents evening. I didn't like going you got to remember I got a lot of kids, you know, not all of them are Einstein's. That means, yeah, I got to leave the comfort of my house, travel all the way down to the school building to sit down with a teacher that's going to tell me I live with a dickhead. I mean, they don't actually say the words, but you know what they're trying to tell you. And you know, because you live with this child, so you know he's a dickhead. Especially because, remember, you know, I was a young father myself, so it was not that long ago that I was sat in the same seat with teachers telling my parents they live with their dickhead. So that was my 20s. I was changing nappies, changing bus fares, and by taking my first step into comedy, changing my life. Now, I'll be honest with you, I've had a couple of brandies and a couple pulls off the Bob Marley Special filtered. That's my time. I've been slim. Good night. Slim's Guide to Life was written and performed by Nee Slim with additional material by David Ajao. It was produced by Gwyn Rees Davis and It was a BBC studio production for Radio 4. If you enjoyed this episode of Slim's Guide to Life, you can hear more on BBC Sounds. Just search Stand up specials.
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Listen on Radio 4 and the full box set is available now on BBC Sounds.