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Comedy of the Week
The Skewer: Hard Labour
00:14:48
Streeting wants in and Starmer styles it out as Jon Holmes mashes up the week's news.
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This podcast includes strong language. The first ballot box has just arrived. Ballot boxes are in. All ballot boxes are now in. What's in the box? The first ballot box. Verdict on Keir Starmer's government. Where do we start? What's in the fucking box? I mean, it looks like a red wall. Wipeout. Labour has suffered huge losses. No. The government has stumbled from one disastrous policy decision to another and they are paying the price. Two party politics is not just dying, it is dead and it is buried. That's not true. That's not tr. I think he'll be gone by midsummer. Yeah. You lie. You're a fucking liar. Shut up. A Labour mp, Catherine west, has told the BBC she will launch a leadership challenge against Sir Keir Starmer if no other rivals come forward. He didn't know Wes Streeting arrived in Downing street and then left within 17 minutes. Yeah, that's right. You better walk away. Go and walk away because I'm going to burn this motherfucker down. West Streeting's allies are telling us he's planning on challenging the Prime Minister. You disloyal fool ass bitch made punk. And that challenge may come as soon as tomorrow. You the fuck you think you fucking win? In a speech in London, Secure vowed to fight anyone running to replace him. I'm the man up in this beat. And said that he would prove the doubters wrong. I run, shithead. You just live here, he told a room full of labor loyalists. King Kong ain't got on me. K Horny started the Labor Party. Came as no surprise. And then we've got the serious threat that it'll be another Keir Starmer. That perhaps could end the Labour Party forever. 87 Labour MPs are to be released across Exmoor national park from this summer. But the sheep farmer in Exmoor is concerned that they could prey on lambs. We don't want to reach a situation where the genie is out the bottle and we're experiencing loss. They're going to be pretty disrespectful. Zach Polanski may have failed to pay council tax on a houseboat in London. The boats, the boats, the boats. Something doesn't add up. Mr. Polanski says he only used the boat occasionally and lived elsewhere in London. West ham had a 95th minute equalizer ruled out by VAR. The decision took 4 minutes and 11 seconds to come. Could it be that you have been looking too long? And it could have season defining consequences? Through your marvelous tune, Gordon Brown now brought back in to government Vikist online. Gordon's alive. The King speech featured a guest performance by Boy George. The Prime Minister, Zakir Starmer. The King's speech, where the government sets out its priorities. Happening on the same day that the Labour Party is pulling itself apart. I'm pleased to introduce the Prime Minister and the leader of our party, Keir Starmer. Crowd outside getting a bit restless. Sir. The election result last week. We're tough. Let us not be down on it. I have a responsibility, all responsibility. I will set a new direction for Britain. Right. This calls for immediate discussion. Our response this time must be different. New motion. Completely new motion. We cannot win as a weaker version of reform or the Greens. I agree. It's action that counts, not words. And we need action now. We can only win as a stronger version of Labour. You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches. Truth be told, not sure that they believe that we care. We got to get up off our asses and stop just talking about it. Here, here. For the British people. Tired of a status quo that has failed them. So let's just stop gabbing on about it. Change cannot come quickly enough once the boat has been taken. Well, obviously once the votes have been taken, that is the labor choice. Thank you very much. I'll read that, Ma. And now for something completely different. Hi, I'm Jane McDonald. Did someone mention cruise passengers have been evacuated from the cruise ship hit by the hantavirus outbreak? I caught the cruising bug more than 20 years ago. Symptoms can take one to eight weeks to show and can feel like mild flu. I think I'm going to have a heart attack. But phase two can lead to lung damage. This is completely taking my breath away. Dust blows up into the air and people inhale it. It's mice and rats, droppings and urine. So what if I'm having a cocktail as well? The cruise ship at the center of the outbreak was allowed to dock in Spain. Where Manuel comes from are faulty towers. Passengers will start being transferred home to self isolate for 42 days after that. I really do need to go. Another lie down. Labor are wiped out by reform in many of their most traditional areas. Extraordinary. The best is yet to come. But this story is not you. One thing that consistently I get in the street from people, especially from women actually is. Please save us. Please save us. A complete reshaping of British politics. Storm. Diploma. Unstoppable. Because nothing says anti establishment like hoovering up disgraced Tories, taking money from foreign based billionaires and refusing to answer questions about the most basic Requirements of transparency and integrity. We are the fun party. The Parliamentary Standards Commissioner has decided to launch an inquiry into the leader of Reform uk. Nigel Farage. Once there was a girl who was invisible. Please welcome the leader of the Conservative Party. Femi Vaden. No one can see her. Conservatives feel like little more than an extra. And no one could hear her. The Conservatives are coming back. Her invisibility. The Tories. We haven't really talked about them yet. Was simply a fact she had to live with. Does that imply that most people think the Tories are a bit irrelevant these days? What's happening? Why are you all pretending I'm not here? I'm very proud of how we have done. The Tories are dead and ghost. We are the only serious alternative to Labor. I'm still invisible. We are coming back to deliver a stronger economy. I didn't want to accept it. We're coming back to deliver a stronger country. And we are coming back to get Britain working again. But I had disappeared poor old Kimi Badenova from sight. Standing at the dispatch box and from memory. It'll look like a bit of an anomaly for the next three years with Shadow Girl. I just don't think about the toys anymore. Because they're just not relevant to our lives anymore. Are they? They don't. They don't. They don't exist. We turn now to that big new release of UFO documents. President Trump telling the public to have fun deciding for itself what's going on. Given the old razzle dazzle. I recently directed the Secretary of War to begin releasing government files relating to UFOs. Razzle dazzle. Unexplained aerial phenomenon. Give them the old hocus pocus. That's right. Is there anything there? Or is this a distraction to what is going on overseas? What if your hinges all are rust? I don't know if I am. What if in fact you're just discussing? You'll figure it out. Let me know. Sergey. Wacky. Wacky. Oh. There are reports coming out of Russia of a plot to oust Vladimir Putin. Don't mind that. Sergei Shoigu is the man named behind the conspiracy. Sergei is having little joke with me. The two used to be very close friends. He was a loyal ally. The two would actually go on fishing trips together. This is a life. Hey. Sergey would often post quite macho topless photos of them. Just you and me. But there is dark cloud. Everyone who could be suspected as a person who can challenge Putin would be eliminated. Okay, Sergey. You are working hard and you are feeling the stress. You should be taken easy. There's been a systematic purging of Shoigu's allies high on roof of presidential palace in center of Moscow. It falls over. It's a good story. Putin is a sharp man, particularly when it comes to kind of the cloak and dagger stuff. So now we fix problem simples. US Secretary of State Marco Rubio spoke to reporters. I want to reiterate the point, the message to Iran. They should check themselves before they wreck themselves. Before they wreck themselves. They should check check themselves before they wreck themselves. You better check yourself or you wreck yourself. Cause I'm bad for your health. At least 100 health care facilities have come under attack. More than 3,000 people have been killed in Iran since the conflict began. They should check themselves before they wreck themselves. Before you wreck yourself. Check themselves before they wreck themselves. First you wanna step to me, now your ass screaming for the deputy. Their leaders are all gone. You're gone. The next set of leaders are all gone. You better run a shit before you wreck yourself. They should check themselves before they wreck themselves. Before you wreck yourself. President Trump's advisors are increasingly worried that Republicans will pay a political price for the rising fuel costs. They should check themselves before they wreck themselves. Big dicks in your ass is bad for you. The ongoing Israeli American war on Iran is boiling down to one key place. Who can take the pain the longest? Richard Ties. One of your counsellors suggested melting Nigerians to fill potholes. Yeah. The reality is we've had more potholes than anybody else. We're sick of it. We've got an extra 14 potholes in London. That's what people are really concerned about. Do you condemn those remarks? You keep trying to smear us and sneer us. It's not a smear. I condemn anything that is wrong. But many voters have concerns about that person who's just been elected, who was revealed to be offensive. Yeah, obviously. But voters are few with the potholes in Gateshead. Melting Nigerians to fill potholes. No point repeating it. Just remember voters want more reform, more success and no potholes. Imagine you could travel back in time on Downing Street. Labour's past. Gordon Brown back for the first time in 16 years to a time long before man. The Prime Minister's decision to bring Gordon Brown and Harriet Harmon back into government. This is a world ruled by dinosaurs. Two major big beasts of the Labour Party brought back into government. But these ancient creatures have had their day. There is a bafflement that when the public are crying out for change and acceleration and the pace of change. They're seeing two figures who were in government three decades ago, brought back once. There were many different varieties of these powerful creatures. Is he going to bring any Tony Blair to feed Larry the cat? And it will take them some time to realize their work is in vain. A desperate bid to save his skin. And now the real test for survival begins. Let me be clear. These are really tough results. In one single moment, your whole life can turn around and the voters have sent a message. World feels like it's caved in proper sorry frown. I think it's absolutely clear that the electorate are fed up with labor. I know I have my doubts. Please let me you show show you how we could only just be for us. And I know I need to prove them wrong and I will. I can change and I can grow. Or we could adjust. We are facing dangerous approval. This hurts not just because labor has done bad and I'm just standing there, but because if we don't get this right, our country will go down because everything's just gone be very dark. I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Alexa who twisted the skewer? The Skewer was twisted by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Alice Wright, Helen Brooks, Dave Wall, Dan Phillips, David Rifkin, Uber Maur Himswear and Tony Churnside. Additional material, Ellie Hayward, Vivian Hockley Jones, Jade Gabby, Grace Milley, Ollie Court, Nathan Cowley, Alan Bainbridge, Henry Curzon, Adrian Fisk and John Upton. The producer was John Holmes. The Skewer was another unusual production for BBC Radio 4 and BBC Sounds. It was a five year term I was elected to do. I intend to see that through. I'm not gonna just leave it all now because you said it'd be forever and that was your vow. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Please, please beg. Please. We need to convince people that things can and will get better. See how much this pain hurts And I'm not going to. But you've got to walk away now. Hello, this is John Holmes. Thank you for listening to Comedy of the Week. If you'd like to hear more episodes of the Skewer, you can search for it. Where else on BBC Sounds could you talk about being invisible or double denim? Who knows what's next on the new series of Just a Minute? Belting out a rendition of Golden. Whatever the topic, our panel has just a minute to speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Join Zoe Lyons, Desiree Burch, Paul Merton and many more for the new series of Just a Minute with me, Sue Perkins. It's funny because it's true. Listen on Radio 4 and the full box set is available now on BBC Sounds.