D (2:49)

Hi.

A (2:49)

Hello. Now, you're originally from Wales.

D (2:52)

God, yeah.

A (2:53)

A land famous for its love of letters. Why use 4 when you can use 14? Do you have any favorite Welsh words?

D (3:01)

That's a good question. I think this is just in Wales, when you scram yourself. Have you heard that?

A (3:06)

Scram, scram.

D (3:07)

So, like, if you accidentally caught yourself, say, like, usually with a nail, like, not enough to cut the skin, but like a little mark, you'd be like, ow, I scrammed myself. Or like, if my mum accidentally, like, caught me with her wedding ring. Sounds really bad, I bet. Mum, you scrammed me.

B (3:21)

Ow.

D (3:22)

So that.

A (3:22)

That's my favourite, when it sort of leaves the sort of white mark, but

D (3:26)

not the scram yourself.

A (3:28)

That's good. That is a gap. We don't have that.

B (3:30)

We don't because. Very specific. Yeah.

E (3:33)

Jess, hello.

A (3:34)

Hello, Jess. As well as comedy, you also enjoy weightlifting?

E (3:38)

Yes, please.

A (3:39)

Yeah, you can't see at home, but she's got the desk above her head Right now we're all wobbling at the ends. Are there any fun weightlifting words or phrases that you like?

E (3:55)

I mainly do Olympic weightlifting. That's two lifts and they've all got quite fun names. There's the clean, the jerk that you do together and call it a clean and jerk. And then of course the other lift which is called snatch.

A (4:12)

So a clean jerk and a snatch.

B (4:14)

Yes.

A (4:16)

Right, let's play Unspeakable. Each of our guests has come armed with a brand new word of their own invention that describes an experience, emotion, object or sensation that currently has no word to define it. Whichever word I deem to be the most useful for humanity will be added to the one true book of books. No, not my book on super glue. Sticky Wang. It's impossible to put down. I'm talking about the Unspeakable dictionary. So let's start the game with our first word, which comes from Hugh. Dennis. Hugh, please give us your word, then tell us a brief definition and why you're so keen for it to be created.

C (4:53)

Well, before I do that, Fuller Fitzworth, I've got to tell you how I came to the word that I've minted that I've thought of. Because I thought of loads of words for this show. I'll take you through some of them. Besotted. When you can't stop ordering things on Amazon. I thought of a noun to describe a really unpleasant smelling bathroom. Candle. Rank incense. I've got an adjective to describe a really needy dog. I've got one patological, anyway. But my problem was I just simply could not decide which one to do. And this quite often happens to me because I'm really terrible at making decisions when I know that it's only me is going to make them, because I'M worried about the consequences. I'm worried about coming on this show because I thought possibly it could end my career and my agent told me to do it because my career is practically over anyway. I might as well kill it. But the. But I get incredibly wound up when I have to make a decision. And this is how I came to my word, which is to describe this, the inability to make decisions when you've. It's just yourself doing it and you get worried about it. And that is frautonomy, which is. Which absolutely describes me, what I go through. I have autonomy, but I'm fraud about it. It's just. It's terrible. I just cannot make decisions.

A (6:09)

Yeah, it sounds like a pretty difficult process as well. I get autonomy all the time. Choice paralysis, I guess.

C (6:16)

Choice paralysis, yes.

D (6:18)

Decision fatigue as well.

A (6:20)

I'm terrible. Every time I need to buy something new, I dread it because I need to know I've picked the correct one. And I'll go online and I'll search Best Blank. And I knew I had a problem when I went online. I searched Best Bin. I needed a new bin for, like, the office and I searched Best Bin and I ended up buying, like, this, like, Danish bin made out of cardboard paper for, like, £50. Because it's like an artistic bin. It works. But it's hard not to work when you're a bin.

C (6:53)

And if you don't like it, you can just bin it. That's the thing.

A (6:55)

But then what do you put that in? That's a whole nother purchase.

E (6:58)

Then you're searching for bigger Best Bin, the original Best Bin in.

C (7:05)

But normally it doesn't matter, does it? Because whatever you do genuinely generally doesn't matter, does it? I don't know why I get it, but I do genuinely get it. I get it about paint colours, painting the house, largely unimportant because you can paint them again. I got it about which school to send my children to. Didn't matter.

E (7:26)

I don't get stressed out about decisions because even age 42, I am not above deploying a little bit of IP dip dog shit.

A (7:36)

Susie, what do you think about Frautonomy? You strike me as someone who can make a good decision.

B (7:40)

No, I also. I love the word fraud. I think this is a really clever portmanteau, I have to say, for autonomy. But that act of hesitation and of not being able to make your mind up has given us some brilliant words in the historical thesaurus. You've got Dicker, Dither, Shafle and Wiffle Waffle, which I love.

C (7:57)

Doesn't go wiffle waffle dog shit.

B (8:04)

That wasn't there.

C (8:05)

I've got that one now.

B (8:08)

Just loads. And they just sound as if you were just sort of hovering, unable to make your mind up. But I think for autonomy is excellent.

D (8:14)

There's a lovely.

E (8:15)

There's a lovely Scots word for the same thing as, well, swither.

B (8:18)

Oh, that's cool.

E (8:19)

If you're swithering.

D (8:20)

Yeah.

B (8:20)

Yeah.

E (8:21)

But that's more kind of when you're annoyed with someone who's experiencing frautonomy, like, oh, why are they swithering?

C (8:28)

Isn't there a Yorkshire word mithering as well?

B (8:30)

Yeah, that's more to kind of moan and sort of stop mithering. Stop moaning. Yeah.

C (8:35)

For some reason, there used to be a phrase my dad, I think, used to say this. He used to, because he came from Yorkshire and he used to have this sort of Yorkshire phrase he used. Not the mitherin. And get a pikelet from down that ginnel just to show his Yorkshire roots.

B (8:50)

Yes. Couldn't stop a pig in a ginnel. That's my favourite Yorkshire phrase. If you're bandy legged, you couldn't stop a pig in a ginnel. In other words, the pig would run straight through your knees.

D (8:59)

What is a ginnel?

B (9:00)

It's an alleyway.

C (9:01)

It's an alleyway. And actually, I am bow legged and I found that quite offensive.

B (9:04)

I'm so sor.

A (9:10)

Well, I don't know about you, but I haven't understood anything for the last minute. But it's all absolutely fascinating. And thank you for bringing our first word to the show, Frautonomy. Hugh, Dennis, thank you. Now, here at Unspeakable, we're big fans of upcycling. It's not only new words that can thrill us. There are incredible old words out there waiting for us to spruce them up and give them a new life. And to help us do just that, it's over to Suzy to present our regional word of the week. Yes.

B (9:42)

I give you the chuggy pig. So dialect tends to collect around certain themes which I love, and they're all really earthy, basic themes in life. And it turns out that There are over 100 regional words for the humble woodlouse, one of which is a chuggy pig. So pigs come into it quite a lot.

D (10:02)

There's a good one in Wales, which

B (10:03)

is Granny Greys, Granny Grace's Granny Grandfas. Yeah. But also I think you have a tree pig in Wales too, which is strange.

C (10:11)

What is wrong with the word woodlice?

B (10:14)

Well, it's just because it's almost like they're little pets when you're little. And also, I think the idea is that when you get older, you can't afford to keep a real pig, so you have a woodlouse as your pig. And so there's grammar sow in Cornwall, and then in the Southeast, rather horribly, they bring in a kind of dairy theme. So there's cheese rocker, cheesy bob and cheese balloon. But chuggy pig, I just think is lovely. That's your wood louse.

A (10:38)

Chuggy pig. I like that. Why do we have so many wood lice? It's kind of like how, you know, they say The Inuit have 50 words for snow.

B (10:43)

Scots have more words for snow than the Inuit.

A (10:45)

Really?

B (10:46)

Yes.

A (10:46)

Suck it, Inuit. You're one thing and you don't even have that.

B (10:53)

To be fair, I think that was. That was imposed upon them rather than claimed.

A (10:58)

All right. It's not. It's not actually true.

C (10:59)

No.

B (11:00)

I don't think they ever claimed it. I think we just like to think it was part of a myth. It was called the Great Snow Hoax.

A (11:05)

The Great Snow Hoax.

D (11:06)

Something like that.

A (11:07)

My entire belief system is falling apart before my eyes. But in England, we have so many wood lice, that's our snow is bugs.

B (11:15)

Exactly. Bugs and alleyways.

A (11:18)

Yeah. Wow. Amazing images of English people just trying

E (11:23)

to ski down a mountain of lights.

A (11:27)

Yeah. I think I've rented flats at the Edinburgh fringe which had those. Okay, it's time to unveil our second newly invented word. And this one has been brought to us by Katie Wicks. Katie, please tell us your word, then give us a brief definition and tell us why it matters to you.

D (11:44)

Okay, so my word is panicdote, and it's what happens when there's a lull in conversation. So you panic and you just start telling an anecdote because you just wanna keep the conversation going and just fill this sort of socially awkward void that you're sensing is you're about to both fall into and what tends to happen because it's a story that, you know, erupts quite quickly out of panic. Sometimes I'll be halfway through the anecdote and I'll be thinking, either I can't actually remember the end of this, so I might have to make one up, which I've done before, or, oh, God, this is actually really inappropriate for the person I'm telling it to. They're about to be, like, really triggered or be really offended. So I'll have to improvise and change the Ending, I might just have forgotten what happens. So it's like there's a lot of. It adds a lot of panic. As you're doing the panic dope.

C (12:36)

What gets you? Is it the silence you can't do?

D (12:38)

It's more. It's like, I think I've got no questions after this question. And I know that. Okay, so if they say nothing, we're both screwed.

C (12:46)

I was thinking if it was the silence, you're going to have to be very careful on Remembrance Sunday.

A (12:54)

Just a small voice in the crowd at the Cenotaph going, so this weather

D (12:57)

we're having, she's still going after two minutes with her story. Panicked, I think.

A (13:05)

I think it's.

D (13:06)

Yeah, it's nice to say. It feels right. Feels like a word that already exists. I think biased.

A (13:13)

I think it definitely afflicts comedians because we've been trained to abhor silence.

D (13:18)

But I'm doing it for them. It's not like I want the attention. It's for that, it's for the listener, it's for them.

A (13:26)

Do you feel like when you're at a party talking.

C (13:28)

I talk to people.

D (13:29)

It's for them.

A (13:30)

It's for them. This is a gift, this is for you.

D (13:32)

I get nothing out. It's something like altruistic to be here speaking tonight.

A (13:38)

Completely selfless.

D (13:39)

Yeah.

A (13:40)

I've learned a lot from texting, actually. And now when there's a lot on conversation, I just go, haha, give them a thumbs up and I just leave.

B (13:48)

Well, now I know why you send me those texts. It's actually really magical. Because texting. Yeah, because text, the text that we produce by hand or on our phones are linked to textiles. So it goes all the way back to the Latin for cloth. Because we weave our words even on textiles.

D (14:08)

I love that.

A (14:09)

That moan there, that's a classic, unspeakable moan. A moan of pleasure from a room. A dorks. We love it. Susie Panic dose.

B (14:20)

I think it's really clever. So panic, as you know, named after the God pan who would terrify people. So he gave us the word panic. And again, lots of synonyms from the past for prattling on.

D (14:31)

I don't do that.

B (14:32)

I don't prattle on, to be clear. So I. Well, this is just an excuse to give you my two favourite twattle and to clatter fart food. They're not always. I just chose them.

D (14:47)

Oh, okay, right.

A (14:48)

So prattle, twattle and clatterfart.

B (14:51)

Yes.

A (14:51)

Sounds like a terrifying law firm.

B (14:55)

So many good names for a law firm. Do you know there genuinely are solicitors called Dolittle and Dally and Right. Hassle.

D (15:06)

Perfect.

A (15:07)

Well, that's our second word. Panicdote. Will this be filling an awkward gap in the Unspeakable Dictionary? We'll find out soon, but thanks for bringing it, Katie Wicks. Now, if the dictionary is a school and words are the children, then it's in special measures because a few bad apples have given it an Ofsted rating of absolute dog egg. But we at Unspeakable are here to restore order and dispense discipline by offering each of our panel the chance to send a verbal vandal to the word jail. Chess, let's start with you. What word would you like to get rid of forever?

C (15:42)

Breast.

E (15:45)

I think it's the ugliest word for the most beautiful thing and it's so sciency and matronly and almost religious that if my partner uses it, I don't let her touch mine for a month.

A (16:08)

Which words do you prefer?

E (16:11)

The best word, it's timeless, is bosom.

A (16:16)

That's even more so medieval sounding.

E (16:17)

No, it's funny. It's full of joy, it's full of life, it's relatively innocuous. I think it's brilliant word, bosom.

D (16:27)

Just movement.

E (16:28)

Yes, it does. There's a fluidity to a bosom. There.

D (16:31)

It is, isn't there? It's got a bit of jiggle to it.

E (16:33)

Perfect bosom.

A (16:36)

It's very comforting. I was thinking of nuzzling in the bosom. Bosom's very soft. Enveloping. We get that.

B (16:42)

We get that.

A (16:47)

Now.

C (16:48)

He's blushing.

D (16:51)

Lots of luck. He's blushing.

A (16:53)

Yeah, I know what you're saying. Breast does feel a little cold sometimes. I actually went away and I came up with some alternatives. Bingo, Bango Bongos, Lady Nuts, Hooty Tooties Clangers. The Old One Too. Chaz and Dave, Phil and Holly. Dick and Dom in the Boobelo. A little from column A, a little from column B. The Entente Cordiale. The Devil's Dartboards? No. Twain. Fat man and Blobbin? The welcome Collection. The Bactrian Camel. The Hills have Eyes and Honky Honks. So, some options there for you, Jess. If

E (17:35)

I have to say I don't think the old One and two got enough there,

A (17:40)

Susie. Are you with jests? Are you with jests on breasts? This blush really won't go away.

B (17:52)

I think you have beaten the historical thesaurus this time, because I did look as well. There were a couple of brilliant ones. Cupid's Kettle Drums, Cabsman's pillows.

A (18:05)

All right, Katie, let's turn to you, please. What word would you like to chain up?

D (18:09)

I really don't like the word rhythm. So the first reason is I think it's kind of creepy that there's no vowels there. Kind of creeps me out. There's a way. But no one. No one has said that Y is a vowel. So I'm just gonna.

B (18:26)

Semi vowel. I said same things like kutch or hool. You've got a semi vowel. Okay, yeah.

D (18:31)

Semi vowel. That creeps me out that it has a semi vowel number two. I think, ironically, it's like a really arrhythmic word. Like, it doesn't describe something. It should. I feel like it should sound more pleasant. Which brings us on to number three, which is. It's like it's got no bones when you say it, it sounds like jelly, like rhythm to me. It just sounds like. That creeps me out. I hate that when I have to write it or type it out, I always gaslight myself into thinking it's wrong even when it's right, because I question it, because it just looks mad. Because it's got a semi vowel.

E (19:08)

I couldn't agree more. I've never thought about it. It's like a word who sort of changed its name to look a bit more Funky in the 90s.

A (19:19)

I like the word rhythm. Without the rhythm method, I wouldn't be here today. So I feel very close to the word rhythm, But I totally understand it is quite, quite greasy. It's quite hard to get a grip on. Susie, what do you think? Does rhythm give you the blues?

B (19:30)

It doesn't give me the blues, but it is very difficult to spell unless you can come up with a special mnemonic. And hat tip to Sir Link a Lot, who has done a lot for kids with spelling, he's got this brilliant mnemonic, which is rhythm helps your two hips move. So if you say that a lot, you can say it quite rhythmically, but etymologically you won't like this because it goes back to a Greek word meaning to flow. And so it's a sibling of diarrhea.

D (19:59)

It's so funny, I was just thinking about the word diarrhea because I was thinking, not because I'm experiencing it, because of that mnemonic that I always forget. There's a similar one, isn't there?

A (20:08)

Is that one for diarrhea?

D (20:09)

Yes, there is. I heard a nurse say it recently and I was so impressed, I was like, can you say it again? I'm gonna try and remember it doesn't even know. It's something like rush home. It's got like the phrase rush home in it.

B (20:19)

Runny, runny.

A (20:19)

Help.

B (20:20)

Oops. And then this is the kids.

D (20:21)

This is the kids.

B (20:23)

She said, there is one.

D (20:24)

Maybe she wasn't a. Spoke to me.

A (20:31)

Yeah, yeah. Diarrhea is cruelly hard to spell. You never can Google it in time. And I can't remember how to spell. This reminds me.

C (20:43)

That great thing, I think is Terry Pratchett said, isn't it? He said, I know how to spell banana, I just don't know when to stop.

B (20:49)

Yeah, it was nanny ogg. Nanny ogg.

D (20:55)

Knew how to.

B (20:56)

But now that you shouldn't know how to spell, that's brilliant.

A (20:58)

Okay, Hugh, what is your choice for a word to be jailed?

C (21:01)

My word to be jailed is I find it incredibly annoying. It's adulting. I cannot bear the word adulting because it's said mainly by people who are about 30. I'm adulting. It's like when I was young, I couldn't wait to get older and in that respect I have been very successful. But it sort of, it kind of. It's such a childish way of saying I'm being an adult, like I'm paying the bill. I just find it so annoying. And I think, you know, if you want to know how annoying it is, people who say adulting, imagine coming into a room where your parents are just drawing in crayon on the kitchen walls and your child says to you, what on earth are you doing? There's nothing. We're just re childing. And it's just such an annoying word, adulting.

A (21:51)

It's kind of same people who start social media posts with not me. You ever seen this? This is another annoying. Not me at Glassstone, not me drinking Pimms at Wimbledon. Not me being an insufferable show off.

D (22:05)

Not me and unspeakable when I get in.

A (22:10)

Susie, what do you think about adulting?

B (22:13)

Well, I think you are wrong to blame the millennials because it's been around. This is a surprise to me as well.

D (22:19)

I looked it up.

B (22:19)

First recorded in 1909, but same definition. To carry out the mund everyday tasks that are necessary part of adult life.

A (22:27)

1909 is mad. That means that there were people in the 1910s saying men were getting trench foot in the song saying adulting is hard. That's horrible.

D (22:42)

That's true. Not me in the war.

A (22:53)

It's now time to unveil our third contender for a brand new word to enter the unspeakable dictionary. And this one is created by Jess Foster. Q. Jess, please give us your word, then a brief definition and tell us why you're so keen for it to be created.

E (23:05)

My brand new word is flournel. This is the single sock that you find whirled into a little nut in the corner of a duvet only month after it was magicked there in a wash a long, long time ago. Do you know the one I mean? It's quite compact. I'm not talking about finding any old sock. It's been woven into what looks like a kind of benevolent, soft, furry walnut. And, yeah, you have to one flournel it if you want it back. Do you give up on it? Do you find its bereaved partner and say, whoa, it's Harold from Neighbours all over again?

A (23:56)

He's back. Yeah, Flernel's really good word for it. It looks.

B (24:01)

Yeah, it's got infernal in it as well, isn't it, that infernal flournel.

E (24:06)

It's sweet but infuriating, which is what the situation is.

C (24:09)

I'm always losing. The biggest thing I've ever lost in a duvet cover is another duvet cover.

A (24:18)

Where is it?

C (24:19)

It's completely gone. Where is that? I put two in. There's one. What is going on?

A (24:24)

I've started buttoning them up before I put them in the washer. That stops. Yeah, that stops it from happening.

E (24:29)

That's still the hat of a child. Free man.

A (24:38)

Well, I had children, but they kept getting sucked into the duvet covers to figure out the solution.

D (24:46)

I'm always finding my duvet covers in my sock because I sleep in a great big sock. I just sleep in one big sock. Like a sleeping bag.

A (24:55)

I forgot you were a borrower.

D (24:57)

I thought you were a sock girl.

A (24:59)

Classic sock girl. Not Katie being a sock girl. Susie. Laundry is. Yeah, it always manages to steal the odd. Soccer never takes both at once. Why is the one that we're left with from a pair called the odd one?

B (25:15)

That's because of the Vikings. So. The Vikings, of course, it's always good. They give us the word oddie. And that meant one that was always left over. Then that came to mean a bit of a singleton, and then that came to mean odd. Because that's the way we tend to think. If you're on your own, you're odd, which is a bit unfair.

C (25:32)

I would think I'd be a lot less scared of the Vikings if I'd thought they'd worn socks.

A (25:39)

Okay, we now have all three Words that our celebrities have brought to the Fraughtonomy from Hugh Dennis, Panicdote from Katie Wicks and flournel from Jess Foster.

C (25:49)

Q.

A (25:50)

The question is, which one deserves a place in the Unspeakable Dictionary? I've decided that our champion for this episode is flannel from Jess Foster.

D (25:59)

Q.

A (26:04)

It just sounds so. Right now, our final word, of course, goes to Susie. Suzie, will you please give us one for the road?

B (26:10)

Yes. I give you the Mountweasel. And A Mount Weasel is a fictitious entry in a reference book that is designed to catch out any would be plagiarizer. And it's named after a bogus entry in the new Columbia Encyclopaedia that featured a Lillian Mountweasel who was a photographer from Bangs in Ohio, and she died whilst on assignment for Combustibles magazine and she died in an explosion. And so any fictitious entry that a dictionary maker will plant, just in case someone decides to copy the entire text, is called a Mount Weasel.

A (26:49)

Mount Weasel, yeah. Mount Weasel is also the kind of thing that'll get you thrown out of a petting zoo, just so you know. And on that note, we've reached the end of the the show. Thanks very much to the always brilliant Susie Dent and to our guests Hugh Dennis, Jess Foster Q and Katie Wicks. I'm Phil Wang and this has been Unspeakable. Goodbye. Unspeakable was presented by Phil Wang and Susie Dent with guests Hugh Dennis, Jess Foster Q and Katie Wicks. It was devised by Joe Barley. Additional material was written by Matthew Crosby and James Farmer and the producer was John Harvey. It's a brown bread production for BBC Radio 4. Why, hello, it's Phil Wang here. Now, if you like that episode of Comedy of the Week, there are plenty more episodes from other weeks available on BBC Sounds. Right now, just search Unspeakable.

F (27:39)

Hey, I'm Slim. When I was at school, my report card said, he's clever but not applying himself. Little did my teachers know this kid from South London would go from driving a bus in Brixton to becoming the first black British comedian to sell out the London Palladium. So when my daughter asked me about

B (27:58)

my life, you know, what was it like?

F (28:00)

I realised I've had a hell of a ride. So I'm gonna tell my story through every decade from where I feel at home on the comedy stage.

A (28:09)

Yeah, man.

F (28:10)

Slim's guide to life. Listen to the whole series now on BBC Sounds.