Podcast Summary: "Self-Criticism’s Hidden Role And Why Compassion Matters"

Compassion in a T-Shirt, Dr. Stan Steindl with Dr. Mary Welford
Release Date: November 28, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode features a deep, human, and practical conversation between host Dr. Stan Steindl and Dr. Mary Welford, a clinical psychologist, CFT (Compassion-Focused Therapy) author, trainer, and founder of the Compassionate Mind Foundation. Together, they explore the complexities of self-criticism—why it arises, its intended functions, its impact on our lives, and how cultivating compassion (particularly self-compassion) changes our relationship with our inner critic. Dr. Welford’s insights are grounded in both clinical expertise and personal experience, offering nuanced perspectives, engaging stories, and actionable ideas for listeners interested in compassion science and practice.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Origins of Compassion-Focused Therapy and Encountering Self-Criticism

• Clinical Challenges and the Limits of CBT

  • Early in her career, Dr. Welford noticed that while Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) provided useful protocols and tools, there remained a group of clients whose problems were "not cutting the mustard." They weren’t helped by knowing facts or rational evidence alone ([02:26–08:16]).
  • "I suppose that I felt as if I had tools, I had a way of working that would be helpful to some people and that's great. However, I want to turn my attention to those who... it wasn't landing, it wasn't doing something." – Dr. Welford [07:23]

• The Power of Experiencing, Not Just Understanding

  • Dr. Welford described attending an early workshop with Prof. Paul Gilbert on shame and self-criticism that profoundly shifted her from intellectual knowledge to genuine felt experience.
  • "It was an experience and that fundamentally changed things for me... It was more about the experience of it." – Dr. Welford [07:54]

2. Moving from Diagnostics to the Heart of Human Experience

• The shift from dividing clients by diagnosis to “connecting with the human being” and focusing on transdiagnostic themes like shame and self-criticism ([12:00–15:43]).
• "Shame and self-criticism... underpin so much psychological distress... it's more than that, there's all manner of different ways that we can relate to ourselves that can be problematic." – Dr. Welford [13:35]

3. The Many Faces of Self-Criticism

• Beyond "the Critic"

  • Self-criticism includes doubt, anxiety, self-loathing, or disappointment—it's not just an angry, scolding inner voice ([16:36–19:09]).
  • Training with clients (and clinicians) often reveals diverse emotional flavors to our self-relation: anger, disgust, anxiety, doubt.
  • "The language your person who you're speaking to about doubt has meaning to them… then it's about exploring that and using that language." – Dr. Welford [18:21]

• Exploring the Motives

  • Sometimes, self-doubt or criticism is used as a way to shield oneself from underlying anger or vulnerability.
  • "He found it hard to back himself or be assertive. And yeah, so... it really was all part of... a kind of multi-mind, multifaceted experience for him." – Dr. Steindl [19:24]

4. Self-Criticism as a Survival Strategy

• Personal Story: Dr. Welford shares her own history of being “brutal” with herself, driven by social comparison and shame, and how it both motivated her and undermined her well-being ([21:00–25:58]).

• "I've done really quite well out of being really quite brutal with myself." – Dr. Welford [21:00]

• “It was serving a function… it was the only skill set that I had… but it had all of these… negative consequences to it.” – Dr. Welford [22:29]

• From Awareness to Transformation

  • For both clients and herself, intellect alone couldn't create change—CFT introduced experiences and practices to “build the alternative.”
  • “I had no Velcro to stick that on... so, I could come up with… I believe that certain, you know… It wouldn't make a difference to me. And I think that… the introduction of CFT was also a journey for me about slight layers of the onion.” – Dr. Welford [24:45]

5. The Compassionate Other, Reframing, and Relational Growth

• Story about Paul Gilbert reframing "self-promotion" anxiety regarding book promotion ([28:03–29:30]).
• "He just said, Mary, what does that say about what you think of me? …It's not about you, it's about the book." – Dr. Welford [28:06]
• Recognizing that being a “conduit” for ideas and guidance is not about ego, but about service and sharing ([28:06–29:30]).

6. Is Self-Criticism Ever Helpful? Trade-Offs and Compassion as Alternative

• A Valid Strategy—with Costs

  • Self-criticism can “work,” at least short-term (motivation, fitting in), but “comes with a sting in the tail” and leaves lasting effects ([29:30–34:37]).
  • Compassion isn’t about smashing old strategies, but building alternatives that offer all the benefits without the drawbacks.
  • "If we build an alternative, then we might move into that if it's a better fit… Would you be interested in learning...a way of relating to yourself that has all of the benefits without the drawbacks?" – Dr. Welford [31:12]

• Role of Others

  • Change isn’t a solo pursuit—supportive relationships are crucial. Sometimes “you still need others to point things out.” ([34:37])

7. Integrating Self-Criticism: Acceptance, Choice, and Psychological Flexibility

• Not simply eradicating self-criticism; instead, integrating it as part of one's story ([35:28–39:30]).

• “That's just part of me… when I find myself criticizing myself now... I've changed my relationship with it. So I can then smile and go, this is of old, you know, this is an echo." – Dr. Welford [38:21]

• Psychological flexibility: sometimes reverting to old patterns, then remembering and moving back to more supportive, compassionate ways ([46:14–52:48]).

• A memorable client, who "reserved the right" to occasionally use harsh self-talk as a last resort ([47:46–51:31]).

• “I reserve the right to actually give myself a real hard time, because actually that's what sometimes in the past I have needed to get up out of the door... I want you to have as many options as options.” – Dr. Welford [50:40]

8. Self-Criticism, Performance, and Elite Athletes

• Many elite athletes are highly self-critical, viewing it as crucial to their success; changing this can feel threatening to their identity or performance ([40:50–43:30]).
• "With the elite athletes... quite a lot of them are highly self-critical and they don't want to disrupt... they attribute their success to it." – Dr. Welford [42:09]
• Importance of curiosity and choice—helping each person find what works for them in different contexts ([43:33–47:46]).

9. Practicing and Embodying Compassion

• Dr. Welford’s Practices: Early on, regular trainings and retreats were key; over time, compassion became part of how she lives her daily life ([53:48–58:57]).

• "I attach my practices to everyday activities... when I'm making a cup of tea or hanging the washing up... I drop my shoulders, I hang the washing out, I kind of like do it in that type of way. So it's how I live my life." – Dr. Welford [57:30]

• Practicing compassion isn’t about doing things “right," but finding what fits best for each individual ([58:36–62:37]).

10. What's Next for Dr. Welford

• Ongoing work on a book project for primary school children, written with Nicole Parrish, focusing on storytelling and early compassion.
• Open to further projects but “if I don’t write anything else, I’m okay with that too… it’s not all about the career side of things. It’s about personal... I’ve got family and... a beach to walk up” ([63:46–65:47]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It was an experience and that fundamentally changed things for me.” – Dr. Welford [07:54]
• “Shame and self criticism… underpin so much psychological distress.” – Dr. Welford [13:38]
• “I've done really quite well out of being really quite brutal with myself.” – Dr. Welford [21:00]
• “I had no Velcro to stick that on.” – Dr. Welford (on why CBT ideas didn’t “stick”) [24:45]
• “He just said, ‘Mary, what does that say about what you think of me? ...It's not about you. It's about the book.’” – Dr. Welford [28:06]
• “If we build an alternative then we might move into that if it's a better fit for us.” – Dr. Welford [30:54]
• “All I can be is representing my perspective where I am right here, right now... There’s not a right and wrong.” – Dr. Welford [62:37]
• “I reserve the right to actually give myself a real hard time because that's what I... have needed to get up out of the door... I want you to have as many options as options.” – Dr. Welford (on honoring all parts of self) [50:40]
• “I attach my practices to everyday activities... so it's how I live my life.” – Dr. Welford [57:30]
• “Sometimes we need others to point things out... support is crucial.” – Dr. Welford [34:37]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Discovering CFT, limitations of CBT – [02:26–08:16]
• Shift from diagnosing to transdiagnostic focus (shame, self-criticism) – [12:00–15:43]
• Nuances of self-criticism, doubt, and language in therapy – [16:36–19:09]
• Personal development: self-criticism as motivator and saboteur – [21:00–25:58]
• Paul Gilbert's reframe on book-promotion & self-compassion in action – [28:03–29:30]
• Trade-offs and alternatives to self-criticism – [30:54–34:37]
• Self-criticism, elite performance, and change – [40:50–47:46]
• Psychological flexibility, integrating self-criticism, honoring all options – [50:40–52:06]
• Cultivating compassion in daily routines – [53:48–58:57]
• On future writing and work-life balance – [63:46–65:47]

Tone & Language

The conversation is warm, candid, and at times humorous, with Dr. Welford’s reflections rooted in humility and authenticity. Both speakers acknowledge complexity, honor lived experience, and focus on practical, human-scale compassion rather than grandiose ideas. The language is supportive, relatable, and jargon-light, making the ideas accessible to both professionals and the general public.

Takeaways for Listeners

• Self-criticism may serve an understandable—even important—function at times, but often carries emotional costs; compassion doesn’t mean eradicating it, but building new, supportive ways of relating to oneself.
• Change is experiential; feeling is as vital as knowing. Real-life practice, structural supports, and community matter.
• Compassion practices work best when woven into ordinary moments and shaped by personal context.
• Support from others is a crucial ingredient in self-compassion.
• The journey to self-compassion is ongoing, and psychological flexibility—having options, old and new—is what counts.

For further insight, Dr. Mary Welford’s books (including The Compassionate Mind Approach to Building Self Confidence, CFT for Dummies, and The Kindness Workbook) offer practical tools to continue this journey.