Bill Burr Live From The Fonda Theater In Hollywood

Summary

Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend — Live with Bill Burr at The Fonda Theater (Oct 15, 2025)

Episode Overview

This live episode of "Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend" is an exuberant, playful, and at times fiercely honest conversation recorded at Hollywood’s Fonda Theater. The first half features Conan, his long-time collaborators Sona Movsessian and Matt Gourley, riffing about the evolution of the podcast, the quirks of their personal lives, and the audience’s connection. The second half dives into a candid, headline-grabbing interview with comedian Bill Burr on controversy, comedy abroad, and the complexities of friendship and authenticity in the modern world.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Intro: Podcast Full Circle & Live Show Vibes

• Conan muses on the ever-expanding nature of the podcast:
  “[...] It’s time to go before someone asks me to go. I turned out to be very wise... I started saying, I love this podcast thing... and then people are like, you know what we should do? You should get it on camera. Then... do it live in front of a theater. [...] I am right back where I started.”
  — Conan O’Brien (03:14)

• Jokes about starting at an informal podcast and ending up recreating a Late Night show:
  "Welcome to Late Night with Conan O'..."
  — Conan O’Brien (03:36)

Banter with Sona & Matt (05:30–17:00)

• Hacienda Heights & Whittier banter: Sona and Matt riff on their upbringings, claiming neither ever visited the other's hometown.
  Conan teases:
  “You lived next door to Hacienda Heights and you never went there?... It’s pleasing next to no one.” (06:42)

• Sona’s distractions and drink order chaos: Sona blanks out live on stage, leading to running jokes about her “short-circuiting.”
  “I short-circuited. I mean, at least a cat or a puppy is looking at a fly. You glitched.”
  — Conan O’Brien (09:11)

• Drink run, audience interaction, and live crowd energy: Conan personally collects cocktails from the bar for Sona and Matt, high-fives fans, and celebrates the “positive” sign of there being a bar at the podcast’s venue.

Conan's Movie Experience & the Promotion Machine

• Conan reflects on the weirdness of movie PR:
  “... it's a completely different animal than anything I’ve done in my entire career.” (12:46)
  Jokes about sitting alone at a table during a film festival dinner as Rose Byrne “would not sit with me.”
  — "She was sitting next to a CPR dummy. She thought it was me." (14:25)

• On seeing himself in a movie:
  “I shouted out, he’s hot!... Not Conan speaking. That fooled nobody.” (14:46)

Bill Burr Joins: Comedy, Controversy, and Going Abroad (17:15–42:41)

The Riyadh Comedy Festival Controversy

• Burr on media backlash, and his motives for performing in Saudi Arabia:
  “How dare you go to that place and make those oppressed people laugh, you fucking piece of shit.” (17:51) “It was one of the most amazing experiences I've had as a comedian. It was incredible.” (18:31)

• Media portrayal vs. reality:
  "To actually kind of be in the middle of one of those stories and actually confirm it … watching them lying their ass off saying there was no women there, which was a lie … I'm like, ‘I fucking knew it.’" (18:31)

• The nervousness and culture shock:
  “I had the same idea as everybody else ... There was gonna be a bunch of people dressed like Yasser Arafat … death to America ...” (19:38)

• Performance restrictions and audience energy:
  “You couldn’t talk about any religion... and you couldn’t make fun of the Royals. That was it.”
  — "As much as people don’t like what’s going on over there ... they’re not going to progress with isolation." (21:14–22:41)

• Online backlash and authenticity:
  “Dude, I haven't been online for, like, a month. I finally viewed the Internet the way I viewed drinking towards the end ... this doesn't feel good.” (24:04)

Notable Quote — On pushing boundaries:

“One of the comics over there, openly gay, went over there and just did her fucking act. ... She said to them, 'What are you guys, going to go get on Grindr?' ... 33 years of comedy. That’s the biggest balls of anything I’ve ever seen.”
— Bill Burr (24:36)

• Comparing global attitudes to comedy:
  “My thing is, I go out to perform in front of fucking people. ... And the thing that I loved about going to these Arab countries is that their sense of humor — they’re silly. And I’m a silly person... anchorman type of shit. ... They don’t show that over here.” (26:47)

Stand-Up, Acting, and Burr’s Personal Journey

• On acting in "Glengarry Glen Ross" on Broadway:
  “I played this guy, David Moss... He talked super fast. He interrupted people. He didn’t listen. I’m like, I know this guy.” (34:48) “Michael McKeon...was probably the greatest listener I had ever worked [with]… He would give me something different, 128 shows. He surprised me every time.” (35:07)

• Homesickness during the Broadway run:
  "We didn’t realize we were instantly going to be in this long distance relationship ... it was one of the hardest times of my marriage... but we always turn it around because we’re meant to be together." (39:11)

• Support among comedians and handling backlash:
  “I don’t know how to say to somebody, hey man, can you check in with me? I don’t know how to do that. ... But my work, we're cool." (40:20)

Notable Quote — On authenticity:

“If it affects my career, you know, I’ve been to LAX enough in my life. You know, I'll fucking sit home for a little bit. I will actually tell you, LAX is slightly sadder than Saudi Arabia.”
— Bill Burr (28:09)

Friendship and Podcast Rituals

• Burr is revealed to be the most frequent guest on the podcast, with running jokes about the declining enthusiasm of his friendship declarations (“honored,” “great,” “good,” “alright”).
• On Conan’s neuroses about friendship:
  “Why can’t you ask me what’s going on in my life, that I’m slowly slipping into the abyss?... Maybe I’m slipping into a depression and you could fucking check in on me...” (32:56)

Audience Q&A Highlights (44:00–58:00)

• Best "leg swap" animal for Conan:
  "If I could switch, I would go for even longer legs...A giraffe has stronger legs worthy of me. ... My nude body is covered in freckles.”
  — Conan O’Brien (46:27)

• Friendship green/red flags:
  Green flag: "They've seen my work. ... they're a fan of the podcast."
  Red flag: "Not really knowing the whole oeuvre."
  — Conan O’Brien (47:21)

  Sona and the crowd add:

  • Green flag: Picking you up from LAX.
  • Red flag: Leaving you on read/ghosting via text.

• Conan’s dream movie cameo:
  “One of my favorite scenes of all time... Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers… I would just love to be that guy… be the straight man watching Clouseau completely humiliate himself. … and then Deep Throat.” (55:31)

• Making history engaging in classrooms:
  “I would probably dress as a historical figure. ... Maybe I’d have several costume changes. They might hate it ... I would recommend to them what I think is the best podcast in the world, which is The Rest is History...”
  — Conan O’Brien (57:25)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bill Burr on controversy & the news cycle:
  “Now I am. ... It’s one thing to wear clothes made by sweatshop labor. It’s another to go to the factory and make them laugh.” (17:51, 18:10)

• Conan on his career full circle:
  “This was not the plan. This is not what I wanted. You did this. You're all to blame.” (03:47)

• Sona’s comic deadpan:
  "Did you. You know, I’m not gonna lie. I think I listened to, like, nothing you said when we were back there. Cause Matt and I were just chatting." (07:20)

---

Key Timestamps

• 03:14 — Conan reflects on the podcast's escalation into a full-blown live show.
• 09:11 — Sona short-circuits live on stage, becoming a running gag.
• 12:46–15:09 — Conan discusses movie promotions, “If I Had Legs, I’d Kick You” with Rose Byrne.
• 17:15 — Bill Burr is introduced and immediately launches into the Riyadh controversy.
• 19:38–22:41 — Burr shares his anxieties and experiences about performing stand-up in Saudi Arabia.
• 24:01 — Burr describes disconnecting from the internet due to toxic online culture.
• 34:48 — Burr deeply discusses his shift into acting, collaborating on Broadway.
• 39:11 — Bill on homesickness and marital challenges during the Broadway run.
• 44:59 — Audience Q&A: What animal would Conan swap legs with?
• 47:21 — Audience Q&A: Green/red flags in friendships.
• 55:31 — Which movie would Conan cameo in? (“Pink Panther” and “Deep Throat”)
• 57:25–58:53 — Advice for making history fun in the classroom.

---

Episode Tone & Takeaways

The tone is a blend of quick wit, comic exasperation, confessional honesty, and satirical social commentary. Conan, Sona, and Matt’s dynamic is sibling-like and anarchic, while Bill Burr’s presence brings biting insight into the absurdities of both American culture and the comedian’s life abroad. There is plenty of playful undercutting, mutual affection, and “real talk” about friendship, creative work, and being in the public eye in 2025.

This episode delivers:

• A rare, live energy and nimble audience banter.
• A candid, unvarnished perspective on navigating public controversy.
• Insights into artistic process, the costs of creative ambition, and the bonds of found family among comics.

Headlining quote:

“If it affects my career, you know, I’ve been to LAX enough in my life, you know, I'll fucking sit home for a little bit. I will actually tell you: LAX is slightly sadder than Saudi Arabia.”
— Bill Burr (28:09)

---

For listeners: If you want a window into the modern comedian’s struggles, the excesses of podcasting culture, and brilliant banter that jumps from sincere to wildly ridiculous in a heartbeat, this episode is essential listening.

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, thank you to Hyundai for sponsoring this event. The all new Hyundai Palisade hybrid is more than just another suv. It's still the Palisade, but with so much more. Learn more about the Hyundai palisade@hyundai USA.com Fall is here here the yell back to school Ring the bell Brand new shoes Walking blues Climb the fence Books and pens I, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[Bill Burr]

I.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can tell that we are going to.

[Bill Burr]

Be friends.

[Conan O'Brien]

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Conan o'. Brien. Hey, how are you? Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. What lovely looking people. Please, have.

[Bill Burr]

Have a seat.

[Conan O'Brien]

Everybody have a seat. Come on. You just wasted a standing ovation. Thanks for being here. We're very excited to be doing Conan o' Brien Needs a friend here at the beautiful Fonda Theater. Yeah, Yeah. I had never played this theater before. This is my first. Who's been here before? Have you been here Fonda? Is it mostly music here or is there comedy as well? Mostly music. Okay, so this is terrible, what we're doing. Okay. No, I asked a friend of mine who knows all the theaters, I said, where is the Fonda Theater? And he said, it's kind of at the end of Hollywood Boulevard where all the stars from the Hollywood Walk of Fame kind of peter out. And I thought, that is perfect for us. There's hardly any stars left when you come down here, but the ones there are are like, for associate producers. Bill Metchenick, Staz Bulroni. Four years ago, I wrapped up the late night show. I did 28 years and I loved it. I loved every second of it. But I thought, I've done this. I've done everything I think I can do with this. It's a great format, but I'm tired of it. It's time to go before someone asks me to go. I turned out to be very wise and I'll just go now. Leave the party before you're tossed out. And so I did that and I started saying, I love this podcast thing. It's so informal. I'm just in a little room. I'm with Matt, I'm with Sona. We're goofing around. There's no makeup. There's no folderol and pageantry. I love this. This is great. And then we start doing the podcast and it grows and it grows and people like you are listening to. It's very exciting. It's growing and people say, you know, Sheriff Ross is like, you know, we should do it. We should get some bigger and bigger advertisers people really want to buy in, we buy in. Okay. Then they say, you know what we should do? We should get it on camera. They say, okay, let's get it on camera. And then a little more time goes by, and people are like, you know what you should do? You should get multiple cameras on it. Okay, you know what you should do? You should do it live in front of a theater. Get a lot of people here. You know what you should do? You know what you should do? You know what you should do? If you're gonna have cameras and you'll be in front of a theater, you need makeup. You know what you should do? If you're gonna be in front of people and you're wearing makeup and you got a whole bunch of people in a theater and you got cameras, you should get a band. I am right back where I started. Welcome to Late Night with Conan o'.

[Sona Movsessian]

Brien.

[Conan O'Brien]

This was not the plan. This is not what I wanted. You did this. You're all to blame. We have a wonderful show tonight. I do want to. I just mentioned the band, and I want to give them a shout out because my good friend of 32 years, this man auditioned for the original band. He put it all together. He's a genius. Jimmy Vivino, my good man. He was also there on that first show. September 13, 1993.

[Sona Movsessian]

Sud Healy.

[Conan O'Brien]

Then we get to the scum that came late to the party. They waited till they saw it was this. This guy right here. Andy Sancese said, I'm gonna wait 32 years to make sure it really works out. Andy Sancese on drums. Terrific. And Jennifer J. Joe Oberle on bass. My first major crush. Bass player with that color hair just knocked me out. Thank you so much for being here. I love this place already. You're an incredible crowd, very excited. And I want to start the show by bringing out two people who are essential to the goings on. I love them. I also slash loathe them. No, we're family. We get along like family, and I adore them. And I wouldn't have a podcast without them. Let's bring them out right now. Sona Movsessian and Matt Gourley. Yay.

[Sona Movsessian]

Love us and loathe us.

[Conan O'Brien]

So first of all, what's up hh?

[Sona Movsessian]

No one ever calls it hh.

[Conan O'Brien]

He gave a shout out for Hacienda Heights.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is that. Tell us about Hacienda Heights.

[Sona Movsessian]

Hacienda Heights is a town.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is.

[Sona Movsessian]

We're Lake County.

[Conan O'Brien]

We are listened to all across the world. And people need to be informed.

[Sona Movsessian]

Go ahead. Yes. It's a kind of place where you would never go unless you had to go there. The fanciest restaurant, I think, was the claim jumper when I was growing up there. And the mall. Here's what it is.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm sorry, can I say one thing? This guy shouted at with great enthusiasm, hacienda Heights. And you proceeded to say, it's the kind of place you go that you don't really want to go to and will never go to again.

[Sona Movsessian]

Well, here's the two things about Hacienda Heights you guys need to know. One, Fergie went to my high school, the Duchess.

[Conan O'Brien]

Fergie.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah, that. That Fergie. And then the second one is the Pointy Hills Mall is where they shot the. Where The Back to the future where the DeLorean goes back and forth from the past.

[Matt Gourley]

The third thing you need to know is I grew up in Whittier, which is next door to Hacienda Heights, and.

[Conan O'Brien]

We never went there. You lived next door to Hacienda Heights and you never went there? We never went. You know what I love about this conversation? It's pleasing. Next to no one.

[Sona Movsessian]

That guy's pleased.

[Conan O'Brien]

This guy's over the moon. He's going to go back to Hacienda Heights tonight and go. I talked about us. And they picked it up and talked for 40 minutes about Hacienda Heights. How are you guys? Everything good? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's terrific. I mean, we're. I just talked about how you bring so much to the podcast, and I got them going. I had some good stuff. And then I threw to you guys, and I get.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah. Did you. You know, I'm not gonna lie. I think I listened to, like, nothing you said when we were back there. Cause Matt and I were just chatting.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Sona Movsessian]

And then at one point, everybody started clapping. I was like, oh, shit. Were we supposed to go out there? And luckily, there's people paying attention.

[Conan O'Brien]

Incredible, incredible story dying here where the stars just ebb out on Hollywood Boulevard. Are there even stars on the ground outside the theater here, I saw a.

[Sona Movsessian]

Star, and someone had written on it so we could just go.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is the part of Hollywood Boulevard where you can write in your own name. Yeah.

[Matt Gourley]

This is also not the Henry Fonda Theater. It's the Bruce Fonda Theater.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, Peter. He was a sound editor.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You guys are probably curious about my life lately. Actually, no. It's such a simple thing. Backstage, I told them, why don't you ask me about what I'm up to? And they can't even do that.

[Matt Gourley]

No. Well, I was just noticing how this audience is bathed in this beautiful blue light. You guys look amazing. Look at this.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what I noticed? There's a bar. And I don't know if this is a sign that things are going well in my career or poorly, but there's a bar in the theater that we are performing in right now. Yeah, I say that as. I say that as. That's a positive.

[Sona Movsessian]

I think so, too. I think we should take advantage of it, to be honest.

[Matt Gourley]

Can we?

[Sona Movsessian]

Can we?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, there's a bar right back there. Are we able to get any. I know the audience is. The audience is not getting drinks because we're told you're all terrible alcoholics. Would you guys like anything? Would you like anything, Sona? Would you like anything, Matt?

[Matt Gourley]

The answer is always yes.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah, me too. Same.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm on the wagon because I'm driving this bus tonight. But what do you guys want? I.

[Sona Movsessian]

Okay. Well, my. My, my, my.

[Conan O'Brien]

What distracted you?

[Sona Movsessian]

I don't know.

[Conan O'Brien]

There's nothing happening. Have you ever weird. You went. I. I short circuited. I mean, at least a cat or a puppy is looking at a fly. You glitched. You had nothing.

[Sona Movsessian]

Listen, my usual drink is a dirty martini, extra olives, and if they have the cheese olives. Those are my favorite olives. If not, I'll take the garlic olives. If not those olives, then I'll just take regular olives. But that and then. But I figure if I only get one drink, I should, like, really maybe go for it. So should I. I mean, I haven't had one of these in a long time, but should I just do, like, a Long island iced tea?

[Bill Burr]

Who.

[Conan O'Brien]

He meant like, do you want a beer or not? What about you?

[Matt Gourley]

I want something special.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Matt Gourley]

Can you do a paper plane?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, God, there's not even stairs. Theater.

[Sona Movsessian]

Don't hurt yourself.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'll get these. You guys, settle down. High. I'll high five you. Yeah, I'll high five you. I didn't know you were gonna. I'll high five you. I'll high five you. I'll high five you. I didn't. I'm sorry, sir. I missed the high five. This guy held his hand up for a high five and dropped it before I got to him. That is the most humiliating. Even you didn't have the energy for a whole full high five. Yes. Oh, the bar is back this way. Okay. Hello. Where do I do? Where do I go? Okay. This is great. You're actually making these drinks you are very good. What is your name? Great. Chris. It's so nice to meet you. How are you? Nice to have you. It's wise to drink because I am the host. And then I'm taking all of these drinks back up. This guy is good. Okay.

[Sona Movsessian]

Oh, I want a vodka martini.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hi. How are you? Hi. I can't high five you now.

[Sona Movsessian]

Is that a vodka?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm gonna try to high five her. Hold on. Can you hold my mic, please? Yes. We did it.

[Matt Gourley]

Impressive.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're an asshole, man. The last thing I'll see before I go to sleep is that guy's hand dropping as I approach him. Here are your drinks, guys. Okay. Now I have to gracefully get back on stage. It's a good thing I work out so much, but you knew that. Cause of the shape of my body. Cheers.

[Bill Burr]

What's that?

[Sona Movsessian]

Cheers, friend.

[Conan O'Brien]

Nice. Thank you. Cheers.

[Sona Movsessian]

Thanks, everybody.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, now we're Bill Maher's podcast in all the best ways now it's.

[Sona Movsessian]

Going to get interesting.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. No, it won't. You'll just get kind of sloppy, as always. It doesn't get more interesting. You were distracted before by nothing, and now you're drinking. This is the arc we are on at the moment. I just got back from New York.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. And you're not asking me, so I'm just going to plow ahead.

[Sona Movsessian]

Hey, what have you been up to?

[Conan O'Brien]

Thanks a lot for doing that one thing. Did you just get back from anywhere? Did you do.

[Sona Movsessian]

Did you fly?

[Conan O'Brien]

You guys suck. Cheers. I say that with love. I just brought you drinks, and you won't even do the one thing you're supposed to do. Yeah, I was in New York. Thanks for asking. And people in the crowd are shouting it out because you won't do your job. I was in New York because I'm in a movie. I'm in a movie, and I was doing something I've never done before, which is promote a movie. And it's weird because I realized that it's a completely different animal than anything I've done in my entire career.

[Matt Gourley]

Did you have to do red carpet interviews and things like that?

[Conan O'Brien]

I did some red carpet interviews where people actually asked me, what are you wearing? Yeah, I probably said pants. No, they say, who are you wearing? And I honestly don't know. I just say sears every time. But the one thing I had to do which was so strange is there's a screening. You go to these, like, Lincoln. There's New York film festival, and there's a big screening, and you Go. And you get ready, and there's a whole crowd there at Lincoln center, and. And everyone's excited, and you say, okay, and here's the movie. And then everybody walks out. At a bunch of these screenings, they do this. The cast walks out and they go and they sit down and have dinner while people watch the movie. That is the opposite of everything I've been trained to do. So my heart was getting, you know, racing more and more as I got close. I was stretching. I got ready because I. And the same mentality of, I'm gonna go out there and do a show for close to two hours. Then I remember we shot this two years ago, and I don't do anything. And so I just walk out, and people are just eating their chicken, going, mm, good chicken. And I'm just. I'm obsessed with what's happening with the crowd. Do I need to run out there and go, come on. What do we think? You know, and give him a boost again? Do I need to rush out there? I mean, I have all the wrong instincts. I should never be in film. It's a terrible mistake.

[Sona Movsessian]

No, but, you know, I saw your movie, and we should say the name of it. It's if I had Legs, I'd kick you. And it's with Rose Byrne. Are you complaining about having dinner with Rose Byrne?

[Conan O'Brien]

She wouldn't sit with me.

[Sona Movsessian]

Oh, no.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's in Rose Byrne's contract. She's lovely and she loves everyone. She's kind to everyone, but she will not sit with me.

[Sona Movsessian]

Do they?

[Conan O'Brien]

And I thought, well, she's probably sitting with someone really important. And then I saw she was sitting next to a CPR dummy. She thought it was you. She thought it was me, Yeah.

[Sona Movsessian]

I love everybody having dinner and then you're at a table by yourself.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, that's kind of what happened.

[Sona Movsessian]

Well, that's sad.

[Matt Gourley]

Are you okay watching yourself in a movie and acting? How does it feel?

[Conan O'Brien]

I shouted out, he's hot.

[Matt Gourley]

Did you disguise your voice?

[Conan O'Brien]

I didn't. I forgot to. And then I shouted out, not Conan speaking. That fooled nobody.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, man.

[Conan O'Brien]

I was okay with it. I just. It's so clear that this is not something that's in my so much in my world.

[Sona Movsessian]

But don't say that. I said, and I thought you were great. The movie is amazing.

[Conan O'Brien]

The movie's amazing. I'm very proud to be in the movie. I think the movie's amazing. Mary Bronstein did this incredible job. She wrote it, she directed it. She's a badass. Rose Byrne, I think, is One of the best actors working anywhere in the world today. I thought she gave the performance of a lifetime. And I'm okay with what I did. I think it was fine. And I'm very excited for the movie.

[Sona Movsessian]

It was very good.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you for saying that. It was very, very good. You were fishing and I just caught one.

[Sona Movsessian]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, Sona. I heard you got a new car.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, David usually gives me a ride to work, but I'd love it if you.

[Sona Movsessian]

No, no, no. You're not. I'm sorry. You're not allowed in my new car. My Palisade is my oasis. It's my happy place. So you're not allowed in my house.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I made you. When I found you, you were wandering the streets with a bucket on your head.

[Sona Movsessian]

What?

[Conan O'Brien]

And now you're Sonam Obsession and you're driving around the Palisade. You won't give me a ride.

[Sona Movsessian]

This is why I don't let you in my happy place. Because you walking around with a bucket on my head. Why would I let you into my personal oasis? If this is the way you're going to talk, you have to earn your spot.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, earn it now in my Hyundai. Hyundai Palisade hybrid is more than just another suv. It's still the Palisade, but with so much more. Like up to 600 plus miles of range. That's incredible.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah, it is.

[Conan O'Brien]

And class leading interior space. So much space. Now, have you enjoyed that extra space?

[Sona Movsessian]

I'm being very serious right now. If you recline the seat all the way back, a little ottoman pops up so you can sleep comfortably in the front seat.

[Bill Burr]

Seat.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's insane.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

There are seating configurations for seven to eight passengers with available third row power seats that recline, plus available front and second row relaxation seats. Learn more about the Hyundai palisade@hyundai USA.com Call 562-314-4603 for complete details. I think we should move on the big event.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. We have a special surprise guest here. We're going to dim the lights and have a little bit of an introduction. And here we go. Let's do it.

[Sona Movsessian]

Hey.

[Bill Burr]

Do I do it now? Hi, I'm Bill Burr and I feel wonderful about being Conan o' Brien's friend.

[Conan O'Brien]

Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen.

[Bill Burr]

Bill. Hey, how are you? How's it going?

[Conan O'Brien]

It's going okay for me. How's it going with you?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it's been a great week. Been fucking fantastic.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ.

[Conan O'Brien]

You've been in the news Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I think the general consensus is, how dare you go to that place and make those oppressed people laugh, you fucking piece of shit. I can't believe you went to that place. I can't find on a map. And this bot said I was upset about it. So now I am.

[Conan O'Brien]

Now let's paint a picture here.

[Bill Burr]

It's one thing to wear clothes made in by sweatshop labor. It's quite another to go to the factory and make them laugh. I can't believe how much anger I had about this issue after it went viral.

[Conan O'Brien]

So you're here to apologize?

[Bill Burr]

No, not at all. It was one of the most amazing experiences I've had as a comedian. It was incredible. And what was the best part is, my whole life is I've been paranoid about the news. Like, I watch the news and I'd always go like this. Doesn't feel. Feels like they're, you know, they're moving stuff around, they're shifting it. So to actually kind of be in the middle of one of those stories and actually confirm it, and watching them lying their ass off saying there was no women there, which was a lie. It was just great to be at home. Like, I'm like, I fucking knew it. I knew they were lying.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

It's not all right. It's really tough that they do that.

[Conan O'Brien]

You sound like anyone's uncle yelling at the tv, but in the best way. Let me lay this out. Let's lay it out. For anyone who isn't initially.

[Bill Burr]

Lay it out, man.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's lay it out, man.

[Bill Burr]

We got fucking eight track tape here. Why didn't you turn into some A and R guy from the 1960s?

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I just want to lay it out. I never like to assume everybody's on the same page, you know?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, we'll do a bump on the coast.

[Conan O'Brien]

You went to Riyadh. There's a comedy festival they had in Riyadh. And you went with a bunch of other people. Yes. A bunch of comedians.

[Bill Burr]

Yes, we went there and I was scared shitless.

[Conan O'Brien]

Were you scared before you went?

[Bill Burr]

100%. Because I had the same idea, that part of the world as everybody else. I thought I was going to go there. There was going to be a bunch of people dressed like Yasser Arafat shooting machine guns in the air, going, death to America. There's one, cut his fucking head off.

[Sona Movsessian]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

So I land in Bahrain and I'm going through customs. And the dude's standing there, he goes, what are you doing over here? I go, I'm A comedian. We went to Bahrain first. And I go, yeah, I'm a comedian from America. He goes, oh, yeah. He goes, you think we're all over here waiting to cut your head off? He literally said that. And I had to be like, no, no, no, no, I didn't. If I was more comfortable, I would have been. And you thought I would be £600 with camouflage crocs coming in here. Wait, I don't know what. So we're going into Saudi Arabia now. We're flying over there and all I'm seeing is sand and, like the highways. It literally looks like the footage whenever they show up right before a military strike. Yeah, I'm fucking nervous, right? So we go there and everybody's like, cool, right? Hey, how you doing? Talking. And you're just fucking normal sort of, right? And we were standing, we was in the round. First of all, the great thing about the festival was the people that put it together. When they first said that they wanted a comedy festival over there, they said, okay, what is your. Your restrictions with speech? And they had this whole long list. And the promoters were just like, all right, well, when we can't. You guys aren't ready for stand up comedy yet. And to their credit, they said, all right, what are we going to do? And they basically whittled it all the way down to. You couldn't talk about any religion. There's yours, anybody else's. And you couldn't make fun of the Royals. That was it. I know a lot of people, like, that's fucked up, man. It's like, well, they just progressed the ball like 10 yards and it was amazing. And we, we get there, it's like in the round and I'm waiting to go on. And everybody in the crowd is dressed like fucking Yasser Arafat, right? I'm sitting there going, like, am I gonna. In the. And they go. Just to let you know, the front row is Diplomats. And I'm like, well, what the fuck are they doing? I already have dry mouth going, why did I say yes to this? And then the Royals were like, up in the box, but everybody else was like, regular. So I'm waiting to go on. It was in the round. It was like 8,000 people. And as I was like nervous and shit, and right before I went on, this guy yells out, dressed in that whole dish dash thing, he goes, hey, Bill Burr, I love you. Kick ass, man. And I was just like, what? I can't believe this guy knows who I am. And I went on stage and, like, I just, I Don't know. I just started doing my shit and they were laughing and I was doing stuff about relationships and they were laughing. I said, you know, I kind of noticed the chicks over here, the hot ones, they wear the veil a little bit lower and that got a huge laugh. Laugh.

[Conan O'Brien]

So they're, they're laughing at us.

[Bill Burr]

They are laughing. And then I said it. I'm gonna do the joining a gay gym joke with the dudes sucking each other's dicks in the steam room. So I get halfway through it and the monitor goes out and I'm like, oh, fuck, am I gonna get arrested? And it ended up coming back on. But like, I really have to tell you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Were they trying to edit you in that moment or do you think it was just.

[Bill Burr]

No, they didn't. No, it was just, you know, I just. It just.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love how you say the, the gay Jim joke. Like you all know.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, no, what was so great about it was the, it was the people there. You could feel it. Like they needed it, they wanted it and they wanted you to push. And that's what the comics did. And like your job was to just, okay, we've gotten them to here, you know, you can move them to there. And it's like, as much as people don't like what's going on over there, it's like they're not going to progress with isolation. So if you go over there and you just sort of like move them a little bit towards us, you know, I don't know.

[Conan O'Brien]

We.

[Bill Burr]

I feel like we're moving towards them in a lot of ways over here, you know? Yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ, we're fucking putting. Grabbing moms and dads and sticking them in a van for making illegally made fucking tacos to go to. Go to Alligator Alcatraz. Yeah, it's fucking insane. It's insane. And you know, someday they're going to be out of brown people to put in those vans. They're still going to have the vans. So you shouldn't be feeling comfortable about it thinking that you're not gonna be in it. Yeah, it's fucked up. It's really fucked up. So, and I will say this, I do have to say this because one of the people that got the most amount of shit, and I'm not gonna say any comedians names because of all of these sanctimonious cunts out there that are just. Who don't really sincerely give a shit. I don't know what it is. Their parents didn't hug them. It's Bots, I have no idea. Like, they go after your wife. It's like, she didn't open for me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Like, I don't understand you're talking about online.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you read that stuff?

[Bill Burr]

Dude, I haven't been online for, like, a month. I finally viewed the Internet the way I viewed drinking towards the end, where I was just like, I don't want to be doing this, but I'm doing it every day, and this doesn't feel good.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right, Right.

[Bill Burr]

So. But what sucks is you can't be off the Internet because people just keep texting you, hey, just checking in to see how you're doing. And I'm, like, kind of doing fine, man. I'm sitting here eating a sandwich, so. No. But one of the comics over there, openly gay, went over there and just did her fucking act. And she was in the middle of her act, and two of the diplomats got up and she said to him, what are you guys going to go get on Grindr? Dude, 33 years of comedy. That's the biggest balls of anything I've ever seen.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, dude. And her own fucking people were like. Not all of them, but, like, hardcore psycho gays were taken going after fucking lunatics, man. It was. Listen, what went going on over there was a super positive thing. If you actually give a fuck about those people and how they're living over there, there's gonna have to be these types of things to kind of pull them in. And I will tell you, the Cheesecake Factory in Riyadh, man, it's incredible. It's right next to the Pizza Hut in the kfc. And if you want a pair of Timberlands, it's across the street next to the Marriott Caddy corner to the fucking Hilton.

[Conan O'Brien]

So.

[Bill Burr]

But that's all fine. That's all fine. I love how there was no outrage, too. The week before the Canelo Alvarez fight. The fucking head dude is sitting right there. But everybody wet their beak on that one, so nobody was upset. And that's the thing about being a comedian, is you're an independent contractor. There's no ad money tied to you. So everybody can just. You know, they release the bots so they can just keep it going. And did you know? I am. Do you have an inkling?

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you have an inkling before you went to Riyadh? Did you or the other comedians have any sense that there'd be this kind of response when you got back?

[Bill Burr]

No, I had no fucking idea. Cause I. You know what was funny? One time I did Abu Dhabi. And somebody. One person texts me, oh, you're going over there to get that blood money, right? And I go, hey, you know, just for the record, I'm also doing London, England, on that tour, you know, which is arguably the bloodiest fucking money out there. So there's like that element of racism to it where if brown people are doing it, it's fucked up if white people are doing it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Bill Burr]

What are you talking about? You know, almost like sports. So, yeah, I might.

[Conan O'Brien]

My team doesn't cheat.

[Bill Burr]

Your fucking team cheats. So, I mean, if we're gonna do the blood money game, I think the only places, countries I've ever played in that is clean money was New Zealand. And I think Iceland. But then Iceland is weird. Where over there they have an app, a dating app, that doesn't say, you know, if you're related, it's how, because they're all part of the same thing over there.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, that's not a joke.

[Bill Burr]

That's not a joke. It's fucking true. Yeah. Look at you guys. Oh, now he's going after Iceland. Now I'm really upset with that place. I don't really quite know where it is. Next to England? Is that it? No, that's Ireland. That's Isle of Man. That's fucking Iceland. So, no, I'm part of the. I don't give a fuck what all these phony fucking people are saying. My thing is, I go out to perform in front of fucking people. And, like, I. As I've been traveling the world, I want to see more of it. And the thing that I loved about going to these Arab countries is that their sense of humor. They're silly. They're really silly. And I'm a silly person and, like, anchorman type of shit and. But, like, they. Yeah, they don't fucking show that over here. So it's kind of fun to get a worldview by going, like, a little more of an informed worldview than, you know, if you sit on your couch and let some talking head, you know, then you just think it's machine guns and people saying all of that stuff. And it's like, I don't know. I. It was a really, like. I was, like, buzzing after the show. That's. That's what a good time it was. And all of these assholes that didn't go and never will go, all they're ever going to see is, you know, the machine guns. And, you know, if that's how you want to live, that's how you want to live. I really. I don't give a fuck, Conan. And if it affects my career, you know, I've been to LAX enough in my life, you know, I'll fucking sit home for a little bit. I will actually tell you, lax is slightly sadder than Saudi Arabia.

[Conan O'Brien]

Now, there's something everyone can agree on. You just brought us all together.

[Bill Burr]

That's what comedians do. They bring a crowd together. You. You're supposed to.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I will say this. I will say, yeah. I have devoted a chunk of my life to trying to go to countries all around the world. I don't always love what's happening in that country, but I go. And my goal is, why didn't you.

[Bill Burr]

Change it when you were there for eight days? You should have walked in.

[Conan O'Brien]

But the thing that I've always wanted to do is try and find real people and make them laugh, and it gives me a kind of joy that is very hard to describe.

[Bill Burr]

It's unbelievable. You know, when I did a gig in India one time, and I didn't realize, like, they're like, ridiculous, like, ball breakers. I just didn't expect that from them. And I was doing this podcast before I went over there to, like, promote my show, and they were going like, hey, man, when you come over here, what are you gonna talk about? And I sort of said some of the things. They go, oh, yeah, they go, you should talk about this. You know, this subject. I go, why don't you talk about this? They kept throwing out subjects. And then I finally just go, wait a minute. Do you guys talk about these subjects in your country? And they just laughed at me, like they were trying to get me in trouble.

[Conan O'Brien]

They were trying to set you up. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So then I was like, all right. I like these guys.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's that same Boston mentality.

[Bill Burr]

I got there, and this is. This was, you know, it was a wild place. And the sense of humor was great. But then, you know, you did see fucked up stuff when you were there. You know, I saw a T shirt said, real men don't rape. And I was like, wow. Like, where am I?

[Conan O'Brien]

That's a real T shirt.

[Bill Burr]

That is a real T shirt. Like, you know, John 3:16, it's.

[Conan O'Brien]

Their version. Yeah. Someone holds that up at a football game right by the goalpost.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. During a soccer game. They put that up.

[Conan O'Brien]

Have you talked to the other comics that you went over there with and compared notes on the reaction since you got back?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, we all had, like, a great time over there. And then everybody else is just going, like, dude, what the fuck what the fuck?

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what? I love that a bunch of people went over. But because of your success, you're one of the main names that gets mentioned over and over again. So congratulations.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, you know, I haven't literally watched any of it or I don't care about all of that performative shit. And it's like, if someone actually wanted to have a real conversation and stuff like that, you know, I mean, I could get all the way into, like, as far, you know, as, like, a performer, you know. You know, one of my favorite things is this scumbag club owner texted my tour manager. Cause he heard I was over there. And he goes, yeah. He goes, bring back a burqa and a sweatshirt in size oppression. Like, that was his joke. So I wrote back to him. I go, why don't you start? But I go, why don't you concentrate on not ripping off comedians, you fucking piece of shit? And he never wrote back. Yeah. Cause he's a fucking.

[Conan O'Brien]

Was he gonna give it a thumbs up?

[Bill Burr]

No, but that's like.

[Conan O'Brien]

Ha ha.

[Bill Burr]

No, but that's like. No. He didn't even defend his position.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right, Right. He knows.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. He's like that fucking guy. Oh, my God, I'm a shithead. Yeah. No, and you know what's funny? He's just a typical club owner. So that's like, I'm saying with people where they, you know, I listen, I could say so much fucking more about. About some of this stuff, but I. I don't want to. Everything that you say, they twist it around. It's just another log to throw in the fire. And all of these, just none of them really give a fuck. Like, things like this have to happen in order to gradually, like, progress. And then, you know, it's just. It just. It was necessary. It felt. It didn't. It felt right afterward, like I. I really. And it really was like the people and I vibed with them, and they were funny. Fuck. You know, they were funny fucking people. So I don't know what to tell you. I had a good time.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right. On a more personal note, you've come on this podcast many, many times. I think you have the record for being on this podcast the most. Because you and I are friends.

[Bill Burr]

Do I get the jacket?

[Conan O'Brien]

I spent that money on the drinks for those two idiots.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Conan O'Brien]

I just want you to know that in all the times you've done it, you started out saying you felt honored to be on the podcast. Then you said, great. Then the next time you were on you said. You said, good. And then the last time you said, all right, I was losing you. You had an iron deficiency deficiency or something. But I can't.

[Bill Burr]

Why can't you ask me what's going on in my life, that I'm slowly slipping into the abyss? Why does it have to be about you? Maybe I'm slipping into a depression and you could fucking check in on me. Instead of being like, the compliments I'm graphing that my friends have. Like, how insane are you about your friendships with people?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm just saying that you have a.

[Bill Burr]

Record on April of 2021. You are.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'd like to point out I let you talk for quite a while.

[Bill Burr]

About.

[Conan O'Brien]

Issues in your life. I wasn't listening because I was busy monitoring the different responses you've had to. I feel blank about being Conan o' Brien's friend. And I made that tally.

[Bill Burr]

I get it. No, I get it. And I noticed that when we hang out, you know, we both check out every once in a while and think of our own bullshit, but somehow we sort of spin, oh, yeah, that's right. I'm hanging out with Conan. How you doing, man?

[Conan O'Brien]

How you been?

[Bill Burr]

For the last seven minutes, I've been thinking about myself.

[Conan O'Brien]

I went and saw you in New York, and I watched you do Glengarry Glen Ross on Broadway, and you were spectacular. I don't know if anybody here saw.

[Bill Burr]

It financed by Saudi money.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

No, it wasn't. I was kidding.

[Conan O'Brien]

Possibly.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I know. I just learned my lines.

[Conan O'Brien]

You did more than learn your lines. You were spectacular.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

You were great. I talked about it at the top of the show, but I've dabbled a little bit with this acting thing, and I have a lot of respect for. Because I know you've been working at it for a while. Yeah, you've done a lot of different acting gigs, and you've been terrific. And when I was watching this, I kind of thought. I think I felt like David Mamet wrote this part for you. That's how it felt. Cause it so fit your rhythm. Did it feel right the first time you got into it?

[Bill Burr]

I played this guy, David Moss. He talked, like, how everybody talked when we growing up. He talked super fast. He interrupted people. He didn't listen. I'm like, I know this guy. But what was fun was that first scene I would do with Michael McKeon. And when you finally get it going and when it kind of like, locks in with his. Cause we talk over each other and everything. And yeah, Michael was like, like, probably the greatest listener I had ever worked. Like, because I swear to God, you know, you do it every night and like, you know, sometimes you're doing the line and it just. It would come out just a little bit different to the left. And he just, would always just catch it, no matter. No matter what. And he would give me something different. Like 128 shows. He surprised me every time. And it was. It was very, very easy to do that scene with him. He's an incredible. Everybody knows that. But, like, to actually get to do it. There was. There was so many nights when I would be doing it and I would actually be out of this scene, being like, I'm on Broadway doing a scene with Michael McKeon. This is fucking crazy. Then it's like, oh, he stopped talking. What do I say now? But it took a while to kind of get out.

[Conan O'Brien]

Was it terrifying the first night you went out and you're, you know, the curtains coming up, Broadway, and you've got a, you know, seven page monologue you gotta do. I would run away when you go. I would get on an E bike and take off.

[Bill Burr]

It was. It was. It was weird. It was like waiting. Go on. Was. Was nervous, but, like, the live crowd actually made me feel comfortable because this is what I've been doing my whole career. So it just. I had to do like this new thing where it's just like, rather than doing this, I'm kind of doing this to get to that. But the thing I was most nervous about is like, what if I forget my lines? Like, I can't. Like, if I forget a joke, I can just say, to hell with it. Go to another joke when I'm doing stand up. So to do that, they call it going into the white room. And I was so afraid that that was going to happen. And that's what happened. Because the way Mamet wrote it, he kind of like the. The monologue repeats itself twice. So I would joke. It was like you did two donuts in the parking lot and then you drove out. So two times they say, you know, he killed the goose, or he killed the goose. And I would get lost. Like, where the hell am I? So one night I. I was doing it early and I. And I went into the white room and I couldn't fucking remember anything. There was a line that. That it had was like, you know, wow, what the hell was it? It was something like, oh, that's the God's truth. And it gets me depressed.

[Conan O'Brien]

I swear it does.

[Bill Burr]

At my age, to see a goddamn. That was like the line. So I went into the white room, like a page before that, and me and Michael just start improvin' and, like, I gotta set him up for the next thing, so. But he knew where I was. So he just out of nowhere just looks at me and improvs the line. He just goes, does it make you depressed?

[Conan O'Brien]

And I'm like, as a matter of fact, it does. Oh, I want.

[Bill Burr]

At my age. Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

All I wanted these idiots to do earlier was say, so what did you do in New York? And they wouldn't do that.

[Matt Gourley]

And does that make you depressed?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. So he did that. And then we got through it. And there was like an elevator ride down, and we laughed the whole way down. Like, so many nights we would laugh about something. And then he saved me. He saved me so many times. And then only once I had to save him. But I was so psyched, you know what I mean, that I knew where we were and that because he, you know, he helped me out so much. So like, the fact that one night in all of those times, and it was just also, you know, to work with a legend like him. And then of course, all the other guys, like, oh, my God, Bob Orden, Kirk and Kieran Culkin, what they were doing, you know, once they really, you know, got comfortable with it. Like, I just wish I was in the second scene longer now, I gotta say. Donald Webber Jr. John Pirasiello and Howard Overshone. Like, we just, you know, we vibed. There was no egos. We all knew that Michael was the guy. We all had respect for him. And we just. We just. We had a great time. We had a great time.

[Conan O'Brien]

I did have one. I noticed one thing, which is I went back and I said, I've known Bob Odenkirk. We wrote on Saturday Night Live together when we got started back in the day. So I was visiting friends backstage, saying hi to everybody, and I got to you. I could tell you really missed. Cause you're in New York, but you missed your family a lot. And you. It just felt like you were hurting a little bit. Like, you. You missed. You missed Nia, you missed your family.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, that's the thing that we didn't take into consideration. Like, Nia was. And I was just going, like, all right, well, you know, it's like a, you know, four month gig. You know, we'll come out, you know, 10 days a month and blah, blah. But we didn't realize we were Instantly going to be in, like, this long distance relationship. So it was one of the hardest times of my marriage because it was like I was lonely and she was swamped with the kids. So we both needed help. You know, usually in a relationship, one person's starting to go down, the other person pulls him up. We were both kind of going. We were both sort of sinking there for a minute, but we always turn it around because, you know, we're meant to be together. So it worked out, but it was definitely, it was definitely hard.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. I have my agency look after the kids. True story. Yeah. William Morris Endeavor. They're fantastic.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Yes, they are.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. I'm gonna see them for the first time in three years. Looking forward to that. They have a script pitch.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah. I've been going through this bullshit the whole week. My agent never even called me. He's been under his fucking desk.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is that true? During this whole controversy, you haven't heard from your people?

[Bill Burr]

No. You know what it was, was he heard me on the podcast, you know, saying what I said here, that I had a good time and it was, you know, a positive thing or whatever. So he thought that that was the mindset that I was in through the week. And as the week went on and more things happened and then, like, you know, I don't want to get into it, but, like, some of, you know, some of the people that spoke up that was, was all right, you know, I, I, you know, I, I don't know how to say to somebody, hey, man, can you check in with me? I don't know how to do that. So, you know, it wasn't until the weekend I was like, dude, are you gonna, like, call me? And then he was just. I, I didn't know, you know, but, you know, my work, we're cool. We're cool.

[Conan O'Brien]

So the important thing is when all the people that are angry with you hear what you had to say tonight, they're just going to calm down.

[Bill Burr]

Absolutely. Well, I'm not really.

[Conan O'Brien]

I heard you out, and I stand corrected. No, you're going to get, you're going to see a lot of that online. A lot of. I stand corrected.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I got to be honest, what I was trying to do here tonight was, was not connect with the people. I'm trying to connect with the bots because they're the ones that really seem to control the narrative.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So if I can just get the bots to stop telling the mouth breathers what to be, what to look at. Go to that speaker. It's Gonna take over fucking.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, time for your medication, morons. Bill, you and I have been in it together for a while.

[Bill Burr]

Are you breaking up with me? That was like the most fucking.

[Conan O'Brien]

I never want to see you again. I never want to see you again.

[Bill Burr]

You presented your argument, and I don't buy it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep. You've been a good friend. I love it when you come on the podcast, and I always.

[Bill Burr]

I love doing the podcast, man. And I appreciate you having me on, especially during all of this bullshit. You're a real friend, dude.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, listen, Bill Burr, you're a man among men, and I don't know what that means.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what it means either.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what Letterman. David Letterman said to me once? I did something that I said, something he liked or something. He went, will Conan, you're a man among men. And for the rest of the weekend, I realized that means absolutely nothing.

[Bill Burr]

Nothing.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love the guy. He's a hero of mine, but that means nothing.

[Bill Burr]

I didn't notice it the first time. The second time you said it, I was just. Oh, fuck it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Other men.

[Conan O'Brien]

You are, in fact, a man.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. Bill.

[Conan O'Brien]

Bill Burr, thank you so much.

[Bill Burr]

No worries. Thank you, guys. All right.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, we're back. I have no idea what's going on anymore. So how much of the drink have you had?

[Sona Movsessian]

I'm almost done with her, actually.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is that one. Are you having both or you just having the one?

[Sona Movsessian]

I just. I'm finishing her up and then she's on deck. Oh, okay. All right.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Sona Movsessian]

Do you want an olive?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I don't like olives. I hate olives. I love olive oil. Love it. Don't like an olive.

[Sona Movsessian]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Little fun fact about me, and that's gonna light up the Internet.

[Sona Movsessian]

Wow. Don't ever say I never set you up for anything you like.

[Bill Burr]

An olive.

[Conan O'Brien]

Drives home. I earned my money tonight.

[Sona Movsessian]

Comedy gold mine.

[Conan O'Brien]

Back to Hacienda Heights. Ew.

[Sona Movsessian]

H. H squared, baby.

[Conan O'Brien]

H squared, baby. All the way.

[Bill Burr]

H squared.

[Conan O'Brien]

Where do you live now?

[Sona Movsessian]

Pasadena.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, give an address.

[Sona Movsessian]

Pasadena. What?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm just saying my address. Yeah. People like to visit you.

[Sona Movsessian]

I'm not gonna give you my address.

[Conan O'Brien]

Very cold. Oh, you've gone become one of those, huh? All right.

[Sona Movsessian]

People who like their privacy. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Sona Movsessian]

That'S all I got.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

A little wasted. Yeah. Matt, what you got?

[Matt Gourley]

Well, we have some questions from the audience that have been pre selected.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you want to go to those? Sure, I'll take any questions.

[Matt Gourley]

Okay, we're going to bring those people up right now. Here to the front mic.

[Conan O'Brien]

Usually on the show, sometimes we take questions off of a voicemail. But since we have a live audience, we thought let's cut through the middleman.

[Matt Gourley]

That's right. This is Katherine, correct? Hi, Katherine.

[Conan O'Brien]

What is your name?

[Sona Movsessian]

Catherine.

[Conan O'Brien]

Catherine. And where are you from, Catherine?

[Sona Movsessian]

I'm from Canada.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, well, that's a pretty big place. Which part of Canada?

[Sona Movsessian]

Small town called Maple Ridge. Near Vancouver.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's just say Canada.

[Sona Movsessian]

Oh, Canada.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Drinky, drinky winky. That's great, Sona. Stand beside it and guide it. How's it go? You're saying they ripped him off? I'm so sorry. I tried to let you have the floor, and then they took over. How can I help you?

[Sona Movsessian]

That's okay. It's a very serious question. If you could switch legs with any animal, what would it be and why?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm sorry? Switch legs with any animal?

[Matt Gourley]

That's my best question we've ever gotten.

[Conan O'Brien]

That is a spectacular question. Did you ask that because of my leg to torso ratio, which is famously way off? No. Okay.

[Matt Gourley]

What animal's on your shirt? Because I feel like you're trying to direct.

[Sona Movsessian]

I'm not, but I think it's a snake or a dragon.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, snake.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, again, helpful.

[Sona Movsessian]

You already have animal legs. Kind of.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know. I feel like I already do. I feel like I have, like, ostrich legs.

[Matt Gourley]

That's what I was thinking.

[Conan O'Brien]

Flamingo. Yeah. I have very long legs. I think if I could switch, I would go for even longer legs. You know what I mean?

[Matt Gourley]

Like, what would that be?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't know. What's got the longest legs in nature? Giraffe. Giraffe. Giraffe has long legs. I might just go for even longer to make my human body even more of a parody. So I might go for that. I might go for really long. Did you have any thoughts in this area? Feel free to jump in.

[Sona Movsessian]

I did think you might say flamingo because it's kind of similar to the.

[Conan O'Brien]

They have very thin legs. I think they would snap very quickly.

[Sona Movsessian]

You know what I mean?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm very athletic. I run around a lot. I perform a lot of athletic maneuvers. And I think no one who does.

[Matt Gourley]

Anything sport ever says athletic maneuvering.

[Conan O'Brien]

I am quite.

[Sona Movsessian]

I do a lot of athletic.

[Conan O'Brien]

Quite the jockster. And I think it would be dangerous for me to have flamingo legs. I need A giraffe has stronger legs worthy of me. And also spotted. And I am spotted. So my body is. No one wants to hear about this, but my nude body is covered in Freckles.

[Sona Movsessian]

Oh, come on.

[Conan O'Brien]

Even parts that never see the sun riddled with freckles, which have been told by my dermatologist, who has since retired at 35 because didn't want to see me naked anymore, that my nude body was a horror show. So I'm going to say, yes, it will match the rest of me entire body, naked, freckled, perfect. Thank you. Thank you, Kathy. She cannot wait to get out of here. Look at her. She's hailing a cab right now.

[Matt Gourley]

Next up is Nora. Hi, Nora.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hi, how are you? Hello.

[Sona Movsessian]

Hi.

[Audience Member]

My question for you is, when it comes to friendships, what is a green flag and what is a red flag?

[Conan O'Brien]

Very nice. Okay. Green flag is they've seen my work. Oh, man. They're familiar with it. They know the whole oeuvre. So, yes, of course they know the late night show. They're familiar with the Simpsons episodes. They even know some of my sketches on Saturday Night Live. But they also followed me through the Turner years, and they're a fan of the podcast. A red flag would be not really knowing the whole oeuvre, maybe just being a fan of late night, but then losing touch or just knowing the HBO Max show, but not really knowing this stuff before that.

[Matt Gourley]

How do you have any friends?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't have any friends.

[Sona Movsessian]

He doesn't have any friends.

[Conan O'Brien]

The name of this podcast is Conan o', Brien, and it's a friend. It's real. I have since learned that it's real. I've driven people away. Would you like to add anything? Because I always like to find out more. Did you have any thoughts on this issue? What are your red flags? What are your green flags?

[Audience Member]

Well, green flags, I would say, you know, if a frame friend. Because I know this is a debate, especially in Los Angeles. If a friend picks you up at lax, that is a green flag.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, as we learned tonight from Bill Burr, it's way too depressing.

[Sona Movsessian]

At lax, we would not be friends.

[Matt Gourley]

But don't you also think if you ask a friend to pick you up at lax, that's a red flag?

[Sona Movsessian]

Yes.

[Audience Member]

I mean, it depends on the friends. I think it depends on how long you've been friends.

[Conan O'Brien]

What?

[Audience Member]

It depends on how long you've been friends. I think if it's someone you just.

[Conan O'Brien]

Met and we're like Uber, and there's just so many ways. There's so many ways to get from the airport, putting that on. Someone saying, can you. It's up there with, I have a wet couch that I want removed from my 9th floor apartment. I don't even know why. Yeah, it's wet. It's soaking wet and I need you to help me move it.

[Matt Gourley]

That's so specific. I'm worried that that's happened to me.

[Conan O'Brien]

It happened two weeks ago and we still don't know why it was wet. No, it's just. It just sounds very unpleasant.

[Sona Movsessian]

No, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't even pick tack up from the airport.

[Conan O'Brien]

And what's your.

[Sona Movsessian]

My husband. I love him.

[Conan O'Brien]

So that's a green flag. What's a red flag? And don't say, not be willing to take you to the airport.

[Audience Member]

Maybe, like, leaving you on red for text. Like never hearing back from them.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, ghosting.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

See, I knew the term ghost.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah, that's impressive. I'm proud of you.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're doing it. Yeah, well, ever since Benny Blanco slid into my DMs, that's how I am.

[Sona Movsessian]

Don't do that.

[Conan O'Brien]

I learned that phrase so I could sound cool. Benny Blanco has never slid into my DMs, and I don't know how he would.

[Sona Movsessian]

He's never going to.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, he's never going to. But I'm going to keep saying it until people think that I know what's going on in the world. Yeah, I. I don't know about that. Yeah, ghosting people was. But the other thing too, is when someone sends you a text, there's this immediate expectation that you're going to respond right away. And I don't like that. I don't like that. I like the olden days, the olden times when a letter would arrive and I would open it with my letter opener and I would read it to my wife who's suffering with cholera and a fog is rolling in and there's a little peat fire. And I read the letter and then I think I shall respond. But first a trip, a trip down to the waters. And then maybe a couple of weeks later, I write back, that's I'm from another time. I'm from a time when people responded. And this thing now where someone just texts you at four in the morning, like. Yeah. And then you're supposed to text right back. Yeah. And you don't. Criminal. Criminal. I won't participate in this new world we're in. I object. I object. I object. I object, I object. And you're with me, aren't you?

[Bill Burr]

Well, I didn't.

[Audience Member]

I didn't say time frame. As long as you respond at some point. It's just when you don't hear anything.

[Sona Movsessian]

I lost track of what you were talking about.

[Conan O'Brien]

Like, were you saying, yeah, you just had two cocktails.

[Sona Movsessian]

No, no. Were you saying that ghosting is wrong or people don't respond quickly?

[Conan O'Brien]

I think you should have a seven month period to respond to a text. What? And until that seven months has elapsed, you have not ghosted them. Not at all.

[Audience Member]

On if it's a time sensitive text.

[Conan O'Brien]

Though, like, your eggs are ready.

[Sona Movsessian]

Sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

Your poached eggs are ready, for example.

[Audience Member]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

My wife. This is true. She does it all the time. She'll text me in the house, like, dinner. I don't keep my phone on me. I wander the house like a nomad, a man free of his phone. And she'll say, I sent you a text that dinner was ready. What is this? You must shout up the stairs the way my mother did in our house.

[Sona Movsessian]

I was going to say, I feel like you guys are different, cuz you're probably like, I was always shouting in the house and she was like a lot more sophisticated.

[Conan O'Brien]

She. When she shouts in the house, I also complain. I complain no matter what she does.

[Sona Movsessian]

Oh, good. Okay. That's good.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's a no win situation for any wife of mine. Yeah, well, glad I got that off my chest. Thank you for your question. Thank you, Nora.

[Sona Movsessian]

Red flag and green flag.

[Conan O'Brien]

Red flag.

[Matt Gourley]

Welcome, John.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hello. Thank you. I was gonna say welcome back. That's not right. It's like when you're at the drive through line. I shouldn't do that. Hello. Quite 10 minutes you're gonna do right now.

[Bill Burr]

I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm so sorry. These people. It's a long walk. I was getting worried. No, no. How are you? What is your name? Good. I'm John. Good. Nice to see you all. It's good to see you too. You're very performative. I like that. You have almost a Shakespearean vibe about you. And I love it. You just entered. This is the scene. A skull in my hand while I speak. Okay, now I'm scared. Yeah, probably smart. So, yeah. I have a question. You're waving at us as if you're angry. As if this question wasn't even one you wrote. I did write it. Thankfully. I think so.

[Matt Gourley]

Hey, Johnny.

[Conan O'Brien]

You okay? I'm okay. I was totally fine. And then something about the past few steps, I was like, oh, God. I'm walking up to. To speak with Conan and Sona and Matt and Jimmy Vivino and the band. But you know what? You shouldn't feel that way. They're just people.

[Matt Gourley]

And he's a monster.

[Conan O'Brien]

But an elevated monster on an ivory throne. Please, fire away. So, Conan, you've become a magnet for cameo appearances in movies. Yeah. Thinking throughout history, if you could slot yourself into any movie, which would you choose, and why? Wow. That's very good. That's an Excell question. Thank you so much. Yeah. What? Wow. Soda?

[Sona Movsessian]

Not.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's paying off. The drinks are paying off. Yeah. You're answering for me. Me and Deep Throat. You know, I'm gonna go with that.

[Sona Movsessian]

Because you would be so uncomfortable. And it would be.

[Conan O'Brien]

Really. Or I'd get into it.

[Sona Movsessian]

No. You don't think you'd get into it. I think you'd be really uncomfortable. Uncomfortable?

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean? What would I be doing?

[Sona Movsessian]

Be like. Guys, don't. Do you know her name? Are you okay? Ma'?

[Bill Burr]

Am?

[Sona Movsessian]

Are you okay? Can I help. Can I get you any water? That's what you would be doing.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'd be offering her water.

[Matt Gourley]

Wait, but is he not playing Deep Throat?

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Conan O'Brien]

What? You think I'm the one who's.

[Bill Burr]

That?

[Matt Gourley]

You said Deep Throat.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, she meant the movie, not the character. No.

[Sona Movsessian]

John's saying, but you immediately put me.

[Conan O'Brien]

As the one who's on the receiving end.

[Matt Gourley]

Yes, I did.

[Conan O'Brien]

Good Lord. But I meant yes to that, too. I'll do whatever it takes to make it in this business. I gotta get to the top, and I don't care what I do. I gotta put money on the. In the bank, food on the table.

[Sona Movsessian]

No, sorry, I didn't mean to.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I can't think of anything else now.

[Sona Movsessian]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm obsessed.

[Sona Movsessian]

I'm sorry. You meant like a cameo? Like, what movie would you want to be in?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, man. Wow. That's a really good question.

[Matt Gourley]

You could play Deep Throat in All the President's Men, where you're in the. You know, the. Hal Holbrook in the parking lot?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hal Holbrook in the parking lot. Yeah. No, that's terrible. You just lost the crowd. You can't see this at home, but maybe you can. They're filing out.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow, that's a really good question. I would love to be. You know what? One of my favorite scenes of all time is one of the Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers. And I just watched it again the other night where. And I can't remember, there are so many Pink Panther movies, but he is getting ready to interrogate the staff of an English manor. And he's upstairs, and he jumps on the parallel bars, and then he dismounts and falls down a flight of Stairs completely humiliates himself, but shoots up and then starts interrogating the entire staff. And there's like a police, there's a butler who's just there watching it all, realizing what a fool Clouseau is. And I would just love to be that guy. I would love to have been in a scene with Peter Sellers as Clouseau. That would be my dream. And just be the straight man watching Clouseau completely humiliate himself. It's one of my favorite scenes in any comedy of all time. So I'll say that and then Deep throat.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I'll do whatever it takes. I just want to work in the business. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

[Matt Gourley]

We have time for one last question. Jasmine.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hi, Jasmine.

[Sona Movsessian]

Hi.

[Conan O'Brien]

How are you?

[Sona Movsessian]

I'm good. That's my husband.

[Conan O'Brien]

Really? Did you know that he was going to go up first?

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Did you ever say, like, let me go first or something like that?

[Sona Movsessian]

I tried. He wouldn't let me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Interesting. Interesting. Wow. Okay. I don't like that. I think you should have a little couples counseling with me sometime. Okay.

[Sona Movsessian]

So I'm a middle school 6th to 8th grade history teacher.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, good for you. I love teachers. I love it.

[Sona Movsessian]

And I'm always looking for ways to make history fun and engaging for the kids. And I know that you're a big history buff as well. So my question is, if you had to take over my job for a day, what fun and exciting things would you do with the kids to get them also excited about history?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, well, knowing me, I would probably dress as a historical figure.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've done that just for my own amusement. And I'd come in and I'd want to be that character and inhabit that character and answer questions. I would need to turn it into an over the top performance. And maybe I'd have several costume changes where I'm different characters. They might hate it. They probably would. But I would just do that. I would do that, and there's no stopping me from doing that. And I would make it. I would be asking afterwards, how many laughs did I get? And you'd be saying, that's not important. They really needed to learn about, you know, what happened at the Battle of Trafalgar. And I'd say, but how many laughs did I get?

[Sona Movsessian]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

And so it would probably be detrimental to the class. I would recommend to them what I think is the best podcast in the world, which is the rest is history. It's a podcast that's made in London and it's with these two amazing hosts, Tom Holland and Dominic Sandbrook. And they talk about history and they're really funny and they tell you these stories and there's like 800 episodes and I may have listened to half of them. It's everything a podcast should be, ourselves included. It is informative, but also really funny. And it's stories. And that's all history is. And so I'm very passionate about it. And I think some people tune out when you say, oh, let's talk about history, or you should study history. They're stories. They're the best stories.

[Sona Movsessian]

I'm sorry. It just felt like the right time. I'm sorry.

[Conan O'Brien]

I hate it here. I really hate it here. I blame the Fonda. Those pathetic stars out on the sidewalk. They're like post its. They peel them up at night. That's what I would do. But anyway, yeah, I mean, I'll give it a shot with your students someday. Maybe we could try it. What? How old are they?

[Sona Movsessian]

6Th to 8th grade. So they're.

[Conan O'Brien]

They're gonna hate me.

[Sona Movsessian]

10 to 13.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's a tough age. That's a tough age. They're probably gonna. I'm gonna do my bit and then as I'm dressed as Napoleon, they're gonna beat the out of me in the parking lot. They're just gonna wail on me. You're just gonna see a guy in a paper hat getting wailed on his long giraffe like legs fluttering in the.

[Sona Movsessian]

Breeze to get cyberbullied.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'll be cyberbullied.

[Bill Burr]

I don't even know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I'll have to. My wife will help me get online so I can be cyberbullied. I'm one of those guys that needs help getting cyberbullied. Can someone assist? My manhood is going to be questioned, but I can't get online. Well, it was very nice to meet you.

[Sona Movsessian]

Thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

I like you. You're a nice person and you're doing great work. Thank you for doing that.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you, Jasmine.

[Sona Movsessian]

Sorry, I didn't mean to. History is important.

[Conan O'Brien]

You stink. You're just. You're a terrible person, you know? I really don't love you. No, no. Sort of what we have is. Should be bottled and sold as some sort of poison. Exactly. That was really nice. I've had a really good time tonight. I did have you guys had a good time? Are you okay? Quite a ride. Quite a ride.

[Matt Gourley]

Wasn't that quite a ride?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Quite a ride.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean?

[Matt Gourley]

It was a roller coaster.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Sona Movsessian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Lots of different emotions.

[Sona Movsessian]

How was New York? Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Good night, everybody. Sonoma Obsession Matt Gourley. I love him. You know it. I know it. No matter what I say.

[Matt Gourley]

Conan o' Brien needs a friend. With Conan o', Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow. Theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign [e-mail] conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan. Oh, Brian needs a friend. Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.