Eric Andre Returns Again

Summary

Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Episode: Eric Andre Returns Again
Release Date: June 29, 2026
Host: Conan O’Brien (A)
Co-hosts: Sona Movsesian (B), Matt Gourley (D)
Engineer/Editor: Eduardo Perez (E)
Guest: Eric Andre (C)

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Main Theme

In this riotously chaotic and deeply unserious episode, comedian and provocateur Eric Andre returns to chat with Conan O’Brien and team. The energy is pure, unfiltered anarchy: meandering tangents, running gags about medication, celebrity send-ups, and an eventual attempt to discuss Eric’s latest projects. What emerges is a loving roast between two comedic kindred spirits and a celebration of absurdity, fractured friendship, and the creative importance of not taking yourself seriously.

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Episode Structure

• [01:44] — Eric Andre’s Intro: "Hi, my name is Eric Andre and I feel like sandpaper as Conan O’Brien’s friend."
• [02:29] — Table Talk: Tangents about the World Cup, sports fandom, and banter between co-hosts.
• [13:19] — (Main Guest Segment Begins) Eric Andre Interview
  • Animated, digressive, deeply personal, regularly derailed by bits and self-deprecation.
  • Topics: Comedy influences, Muppet Show, Uber rides, drug stories, world culture, mental health, and Eric’s new projects.
• [58:00] — Episode Wrap: Conan praises Eric and plugs his projects.
• [61:00] — Listener Review Segment: Hosts read and riff on a listener review.
• [63:21] — California Secedes? Extended joke about breaking up the state as a comedy riff.
• [67:31] — Credits

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The World Cup, American Soccer & Sports Banter

• Conan tries to steer the group toward a World Cup discussion; everyone admits to being a casual or reluctant fan.
• “America's getting better. Aren’t we? I know it’s a long road—but what does America have to do to really be competitive in world soccer?” — Conan, [06:34]
• Eduardo (engineer/producer) becomes the authority on soccer, explaining favorites and the American outlook.
• Discussion devolves into a bit about pickleball, Heads Up, and Settlers of Catan ruining America’s soccer prowess.

Notable Quotes

• “I think pickleball has slowed us down.” — Conan, [07:40]
• “I believe Heads Up put us back another hundred years.” — Conan, [08:12]

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Digressions, Running Gags & Meta-Humor

Podcasting as the “Anti-Format”

• The crew jokes about their lack of structure:
  • “A lot of our listeners think this thing is so well crafted, they must write it ahead of time and really work out the architecture… This proves that’s not the case.” — Conan, [12:06]
• Frequent detours on TV theme songs (“Facts of Life,” “Charles in Charge”), sports fandom, and hypothetical catastrophes.

Uber Rides, Fentanyl, and Social Anxiety

• Eric tells an awkward Uber ride story:
  • “There was a guy, as soon as I got in his car, within 10 seconds he’s like, ‘I love fentanyl, man. That’s my problem.’” — Eric, [21:05]
• Both discuss their avoidance tactics when drivers overshare or get too chatty.

Audience Perception

• “People love true crime podcasts, so we’re going to become one briefly.” — Conan, [29:36]
• Tangents on William S. Burroughs’ infamous “William Tell” incident, with live fact-checking.

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Eric Andre’s Creative Life

Comedy Influences & Style

• Eric identifies Gonzo from The Muppet Show as his comedy hero.
  • “My comedy hero is Gonzo from The Muppet Show… I would watch that VHS over and over and over. Formative. I haven’t thought about that.” — Eric, [14:34]
• Conan reciprocates, citing classic Warner Brothers cartoons and physical comedy as his inspiration.

Serious Music Background & New Album

• Eric discusses his new album “Film Scores for Films that Don’t Exist”—a legitimate classical work he composed.
  • “It’s really good. I was listening to it today—a bunch of us were listening to it, and it’s legit.” — Conan, [28:24]
  • Eric mentions his progression from piano at 5, to tuba and jazz bass, studying at Berklee.
• Conversation jokes about William S. Burroughs and the “William Tell” incident, fact-checked in real time.

On Performing, Stunts, and Injury

• Eric talks about working with John Cena on Netflix's "Little Brother":
  • “Please tell me there’s someone who looks a lot like you who’s getting thrown into a wall at 600 miles an hour.” — Conan, [41:04]
  • Eric confesses to using a body double for dangerous stunts now: “Yes, of course, I paid a 25 year old Puerto Rican guy to fly through glass. I’m in my 40s now.” — Eric, [41:14]
• Recounts being genuinely concussed by a prop during The Eric Andre Show stunt with Cena.

On Comedic Taste and the Pain of Niche Humor

• Eric admits to pranking Knicks fan friends with fake injury news, even at the cost of friendship.
  • “You guys both seem to like humor that only you think is funny.” — Sona, [37:00]
  • “I forgot you gotta do comedy for other people.” — Eric, [37:13]

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Mental Health, Antidepressants, and Vulnerability

Open Conversation About Medication

• Depicts maturity and changing attitudes among comics; now, instead of scoring drugs, they’re excited about SSRI prescriptions.
  • “In your 20s, you’re like, ‘get me coke, get me Molly.’ In your 40s, you’re like, ‘get me Propecia, Zoloft, Wellbutrin.’” — Eric, [53:20]
• Conan credits Andy Richter with encouraging him to try SSRIs and describes the unfounded fear of “losing your edge.”
  • “You know what? I credit Andy Richter... It doesn’t change who you are or anything.” — Conan, [56:32]
  • “That's why I was hung up. I was like, I won't be comedic.” — Eric, [56:41]
• Both agree their quality of life improved; the anxiety around medication is addressed openly and humorously.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You are a cartoon character. You’re not a real person—and I am a cartoon character. I’m not a real person.” — Conan, [13:46]
• “Poor John [Cena]... We did a stunt that went awry...” — Eric, recounting his on-set concussion, [41:34]
• “Golden Girls… Blanche Dubois… That’s not Golden Girls, it’s Streetcar.” — Sona and Eric, confused, [42:35-43:10]
• “If you like this, you can have some. And if you don’t, get out of my store.” — Conan, on his creative approach, [37:20]
• “Why did you wax your pubes? That doesn’t even translate.” — Alana Glazer (as relayed by Eric), [46:29]
• “Eric Andre, you are what I want to be when I grow up—you're just… I so love being around you.” — Conan, [57:19]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:44] — Eric Andre intros himself (as “sandpaper”)
• [13:19] — Guest interview with Eric Andre begins
• [28:12] — Eric discusses his new classical album
• [41:04] — Stunt work and John Cena story
• [53:20] — Medication, SSRIs, and comedian’s well-being
• [61:00] — Listener review and extended jokes about Conan as T1000 Terminator villain

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The Original Energy & Tone

• Fast-paced, absurdist, full of digression and meta-jokes about podcasting.
• Equal parts loving, self-deprecating, and gleefully offensive (mostly aimed at themselves or in offbeat bits).
• Genuine friendship and admiration between Conan and Eric, with everyone quick to roast and quicker to laugh at themselves.

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Conclusion

This episode is peak “Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend”: the structure breaks down immediately under the weight of rapid-fire jokes and tangents, but real moments of honesty and creativity slip through. Eric and Conan’s comedic kinship is on display—their willingness to drop any pretense of format and be open about anxieties, career failures, and mental health struggles is both moving and hilarious. In the end, the episode is about the chemistry and chaos of true comedic friendship, stitched together by interludes of surprising depth and uproarious silliness.

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Eric Andre’s Project Plugs

• Netflix Movie: “Little Brother” (with John Cena)
• Album: “Film Scores for Films That Don’t Exist” (original classical compositions)

---

If you like gleeful chaos, emotional candor, and comedians at their most unfiltered, you’ll love this episode.

Transcript

[A]

Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first but didn't live up to the hype?

[B]

Yeah, like all the time.

[A]

Yeah, I did that with an all potato restaurant.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about? Don't you see that?

[B]

Oh, yeah, all the time.

[A]

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[B]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

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[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

They went too far. They went too far.

[B]

Yeah. And you read it. You read it all. Didn't even ask any questions.

[A]

I just blacked out and just came out of my mouth. So you do your glutes a favor. Shop at a Duth trading store near you or@duth trading.com Duth Trading for Folks who work their butts off.

[C]

Hi, my name is Eric Andre and I feel like sandpaper. Ask Conan o' Brien's friend, how are you, sandpaper? I don't know. I realized last time I said moist. So I was about to say moist again and then I was like, no, you already did that joke. And then I was like, what's the opposite of moist? Fall is here Hear the yell back to school, Ring the bell Brand new shoes Walking loose Climb the fence Books

[B]

and pens I can tell that we

[A]

are gonna be

[C]

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

[A]

Hey there. Welcome to Conan o' Brien Needs a Friend. I am joined by Sona Mosesian. Hey, Sona.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Matt Gourley. How are you, sir?

[D]

Hi. Good, thanks.

[A]

I'm going to attempt something that has very low odds of working.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'll explain why. I thought, hey, maybe we should talk about World Cup. It's a huge thing. Massive biggest sporting event in the world. It involves 48 countries. It's being hosted by Canada, Mexico, USA. But here's the problem. I don't think anyone here in this podcast right now, just the three of us, really cares about the World Cup.

[D]

That's not true.

[A]

It is true.

[D]

It's not true.

[A]

I don't think you care at all.

[D]

I'm sorry. It's the only sports I ever watch. Every four years. I really enjoy that.

[A]

The only sports I ever watch.

[B]

I know. Yeah. You're not selling it.

[D]

You guys know that I don't care about sports.

[B]

I actually love it, too. Cause soccer players are hot. They're really.

[A]

And that's why you watch.

[B]

That's why I watch.

[A]

When you're watching with your boys, you go, I do that guy.

[B]

Yeah. And I high five him, like, right, boys? He can be your dad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

At bat.

[A]

Oh, my God. You guys want a brother? That's just. Come on, man, clean it up. Sona.

[B]

I love tack, too.

[A]

I don't want two.

[C]

No, two.

[A]

That's nice. My heart also has warmth for the father of my children. Okay. I shouldn't say that. What I'll say is I wouldn't say the three of us are well versed in talking about World Cup.

[D]

Correct.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And we are recording this, I think, three weeks ahead of time. So we don't know where in the World cup certain teams will be, who will be eliminated, what's going on? So we're really attempting something that I think is difficult on maybe seven different levels.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And what's that?

[B]

Did you say several or seven?

[D]

He mixed both on seven different levels.

[A]

Yeah. Well, sorry.

[B]

Sorry. I didn't let it.

[A]

I'm sorry. I have a hard time.

[C]

I was going to let it go.

[A]

No, no. But I have a hard time when I talk about the sports of soccer.

[D]

Oh, that's right.

[A]

You didn't let that go.

[D]

Fuck you.

[A]

Yeah, hit him.

[D]

Hit him hard.

[A]

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask Eduardo to really help us out here, because, Eduardo, this. This is something that's very near and dear to your heart. You need to supply the passion here.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

You need to supply the passion because I'm not going to get it from anywhere else on this table. All right, so let's talk about it. We're a couple of weeks in. What do you think has happened by this point? Who's been eliminated? Man? Come on.

[E]

All right, so I'll tell you that going into this, the top five countries predicted to compete for the final is Argentina, Spain, France, Portugal, and maybe Germany or England, give or take one of them.

[D]

It's the same as it almost always is without Brazil.

[A]

So where are the Dutch?

[E]

The Dutch are actually considered a dark horse in this tournament.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[B]

Great question.

[A]

No, no, I did know that the Dutch. And it's funny because when you think someone saying we're the Dutch, you'd be like, oh, he's making a joke. No, I'm not. They, they're very good.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

And they could come out of nowhere. Wouldn't that be fantastic if the Dutch were still.

[E]

I wouldn't be surprised if they're making a deep run. So, yeah, if we're looking into our crystal ball, that's a good prediction.

[A]

And if you're listening right now and the Dutch are out of it, that's on Eduardo. Okay, I believe I'll take anyway. Okay. So go ahead, tell us more.

[E]

Yeah, it's being hosted by three different countries, all North American.

[A]

What does that mean when they say hosting it? Yes, that's where the actual events are taking place.

[E]

Correct.

[A]

But they also have to, you know, when you hear host, sometimes you think they have to supply food, drinks, that kind of thing.

[E]

Hosting the Olympics, man, for game night.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I'm just trying to do a new thing where when you host, you really should be a host. You shouldn't charge for food and drink.

[D]

And there should be ambiance and music.

[A]

There should be music. You should. It's just an idea.

[B]

Awkward banter in the beginning.

[A]

Exactly. And then people should say, hey, knock it off. If it goes after 2, 10,

[D]

every spectator has to send a thank you note.

[A]

Well, speaking about thank you notes are huge.

[E]

Speaking of after 10, the cool thing about this one, for us that live here in the States or in North America, the times are like reasonable times

[C]

for us to watch.

[A]

So I don't have to go to a pub at three in the morning to watch Croatia play against Orlando. Correct.

[E]

There'll be games starting at noon and the last game will be like at seven o' clock at night. So.

[A]

Yeah, well, fine.

[E]

Yeah. It's a full day's of soccer. The dream.

[A]

Let me see something. And this is something, because I'm a patriot. America's getting better. Aren't we getting better? It's, it's. I know it's a long road, but what does America has to do to really be competitive in world soccer? That's a good question. I think it's a great question.

[E]

Thank you. They have taken a lot of steps forward and a couple small steps Back. So this one, it's a crapshoot. Usa. Some of us wouldn't be surprised that they're still in it at this time in three weeks. Some of us wouldn't be surprised if they're actually.

[D]

Where do you fall, Eduardo? What do you think?

[E]

I. I'd be surprised if they're still in it at this point in three weeks. That's not to say that they're not good. I. I just.

[A]

Is it one of those things where it's just. It's. We didn't. In other countries, it's just such a part of the culture and it's not as much here. And maybe you. Is this a graph that's never going to completely take meaning? Will we ever be really competitive with Argentina, with Spain, some of these other.

[E]

No, I think we will get there. I think it's just taking a lot longer. I think we're competing as like the fourth major sport. Well, now, fourth major sport. At one point it was like the fifth or sixth major sport in this country. It's slowly turning.

[A]

I think pickleball has slowed us down.

[E]

I agree.

[A]

I think the pickleball, the excitement around pickleball. Excitement around pickleball, I think we were starting to gain. And then everybody who was really starting to get interested in soccer or as of course, other safety football, they. Pickleball came around and now I think it's. That has added another hundred years.

[E]

I agree. We should ban pickleball. I don't know.

[B]

There's a lot of overlap.

[E]

I don't like that it competes.

[A]

Are you going to a game?

[E]

I hope so.

[A]

Also, what's that game where on your iPhone you put Heads up. Heads up.

[B]

That's what we.

[A]

I think heads up put us back another hundred years and you're just pickle.

[D]

Settlers of Catan as well, I think.

[A]

I think. What's that?

[D]

Settlers of Catan.

[A]

What is that?

[D]

It's this famous board game that everybody played for.

[A]

Like, you don't know. There's like bartering wheats and textiles. Oh, I love it when people come over and we have some wine and bartering. I probably would. I probably would. I shouldn't be. I. I shouldn't be negative about it, but I do think that. Heads up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Something of Katan.

[D]

Wait, you could get catan but not settlers.

[B]

Remember the hard one?

[A]

I thought it was Chris Katan, I thought. And pickleball and then pickleball. I think those things have probably destroyed our chances of being competitive in what I call football and which Eduardo calls soccer. Yeah. I just. I. I'm. But anyway, that's what's happening. I resolve almost every year to pick a team and really get involved and really follow soccer.

[E]

So who are you going to pick?

[D]

Yeah, who's.

[B]

Who's your pick?

[D]

You got to go with the Dutch now.

[A]

I don't have to go with the Dutch.

[D]

Well, it's a figure speech.

[A]

That is true, and I think a worthwhile figure speech, to be honest with you.

[B]

Do you know any soccer players?

[A]

Do I know them? I mean, personally, I'm very good friends. I don't know the sport very well, but I'm very good friends with most of the players.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Messi. Messi was at my house, like three weeks ago.

[B]

Okay. He was.

[A]

He comes by a lot.

[B]

You guys are not hanging out.

[A]

What are you talking about? Why would you find that hard to believe? He loves my house and he always wants to go over to Sandler's house. And I'm like, what do you need Sandler for? I'm here. And he's like, sandler, I'm much more famous than you. And I said, why are you talking in that stilted way?

[B]

And he said, you trying to do an Argentinian accent?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he said, you so little about me, you do stilted accent. That's what he said. This is all true. He said, your impression of me belies the fact that we are not friends and you don't know me in real life. That's what he said to me. And then I said, belies the fact. Why are you speaking in broken English? And then saying, belies the fact? And he said, this is a terrible riff. Don't do it on the podcast.

[D]

No, I'm going to do it seven times.

[A]

Yeah, I'm going to do it seven. Okay, that's funny. That's funny.

[B]

That's when you misspoke, remember?

[A]

I don't remember. So seldom. Rarely happens at all. Rarely happens at all.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It does happen. He's dying right in front of us.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

Ask you a question.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

This is really dark, but let's say something were to happen to me. There was a medical event, and then later on the doctor said, didn't you hear it in the podcast? The degeneration of his neuromuscular abilities. Did you hear something darker?

[D]

You've asked this question before.

[A]

I know, but aren't you guys gonna. I know what I've asked it before, but I'm begging you, gu to please pay attention.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

When I misspeak, don't giggle. Say Are you okay, Conan?

[D]

We're trying to move it along. Let it happen.

[A]

Yeah, get me to the grave a little faster and you can all do your pity episode. We're so sorry about Conan Kaching.

[D]

It's going to be a Thursday episode.

[A]

Oh, on a Thursday, we talk about Conan's passing. Oh, my God, that would be great. And then stick around. We're getting together. The cast of Facts of Life. Oh, that'd be cool. I know.

[D]

Can you name them all?

[B]

Can I name them all?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Tudy Joe.

[D]

Their real names. You rookie.

[A]

What I want to hear. I want to hear their show names, too.

[B]

Joe Blair.

[A]

God, this show meant a lot to you.

[B]

It didn't, but I do know the theme.

[D]

Natalie.

[B]

Natalie. Weird.

[D]

Walking in here. I went today. I. I wonder. I'm not kidding you.

[B]

Stop.

[D]

I went. I was singing in Facts of Life. I wonder if that'll come up on the show today.

[B]

I am not joking, Matthew.

[D]

I'm not saying I'm psychic. I'm saying I'm close.

[B]

What? Were you watching it recently?

[D]

No, it just came to my mind.

[A]

Say something. A lot of our listeners think this thing is so well crafted, they must write it ahead of time and really work out the architecture of it. And I want to say that I think this podcast episode proves that that is not the case.

[E]

Yeah, America's screwed. The soccer team.

[A]

We are. We were just talking about then soccer life. And then it's Facts of Life. And then you're singing the song. Take the good, you take the bad, you take them all, and there you have the facts of life.

[B]

The facts of life.

[A]

You take the good, you take the bad, and then what?

[B]

You take them all, and then you have.

[D]

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all. No way.

[B]

You said it.

[D]

You take it all. You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have the facts.

[B]

There you have.

[A]

I said when the world. Those lyrics don't make any sense to be living.

[B]

Don't act like you don't know this. But.

[A]

No, but what I'm saying is I don't know this song.

[D]

Take the bad, you take them both, and there you have.

[B]

Oh, you take them both. Oh, that's right. That makes more sense grammatically.

[A]

Makes sense as lyrics. You know what song did make sense? Charles was in charge.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights.

[B]

That doesn't make sense.

[A]

That doesn't make sense either. No.

[B]

Why is. Why is the nanny in charge of your days and Your nights like your

[D]

moral compass of your wrongs and your rights.

[B]

It's too much responsibility for him.

[A]

Anyway, that's our World cup wrap up.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What a mess. Into Eric Andre. All right. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and host intro.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Of the Eric Andre show on Adult Swim. What a mess. Now you can see this is what

[D]

people come for, and this is what we promise and this is what we deliver. And I don't regret it.

[A]

Now you can see Eric, our good friend in the new Netflix movie Little Brother, a movie he made with Mr. John Cena.

[D]

I will also say this is appropriate for this interview.

[A]

It really is. It's all the wheels have come off this trolley many times. I always love when Eric stops by. Eric Andre, welcome. Here's why I love having you on the podcast. You are a cartoon character. You're not a real person, and I am a cartoon character. I'm not a real person. And when we're together, I'm just happy because.

[C]

And the rest of America's annoyed.

[A]

Annoyed and miserable at the shenanigans. But you don't live in the real world. And whenever I. You just don't. You just don't.

[C]

You think I stand out?

[A]

You are. You're an insane cartoon character. You bounce off walls, you crash through ceilings to the delight of everyone.

[C]

Well, my comedy hero is Gonzo from the Muppet Shop. I had this VHS tape growing up. It was called. It was a clips episode of the Muppet show that Gonzo hosted in a Hugh Hefner vest and his wife was that chicken. Remember, he had a chicken for a wife and he hosted this thing. It was called, like, the Weirdest Sketches on. It wasn't called the Weirdest Sketches on the Muppet show, but it was like the weirdest parts of the Muppet Show. It had a more elegant title than what I'm saying. And it was just a clip show. And he was like Dick Clark, Hugh Hepner. And he introed all the weirdest clips from the Muppet Show. And I would watch that vhs, like, over and over and over. Formative. Formative. I haven't thought about that.

[A]

For me, it was Warner Brothers cartoons. But I always thought, well, that's the highest form of comedy is people getting stretched out, elongated. People looking to Cameron going, oh, oh. And then falling. And then I would walk away like an accordion. Those are the. I just willed myself to be one of those people.

[C]

The reality is you'd have a horrible and painful death.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

There is no comedic value, Eric.

[A]

I would but the coroner would say, oh, my God, we just looked at the X rays of his body. It's a. It's a accordion, you know. And then they would. They would push on each side of my body would go like, Weird Al

[C]

Yankovic would be like, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan.

[A]

So, for all those reasons, I'm delighted you're here.

[C]

I really don't want to leave. You had to forcibly remove me last time.

[A]

I did.

[C]

This is my favorite pocket. You're one of my favorite human beings.

[A]

Oh, that's so nice.

[C]

When I look in, then why.

[A]

Why the angry mail all the time from you? Well, I hope you die. And then you sign your name. Yours truly, Eric Andre. Why do you write those to me? And your return address is on them,

[C]

and they're filled with anthrax. I don't know.

[A]

That's what that is.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought it was powder cold.

[C]

You know, celebrities are. They're not.

[A]

Well,

[C]

I'm not a celebrity. I still drive an Uber. But as a passenger or as a. As a driver? As a. It wasn't a good joke. That also died in my mouth. There's a. There's a tombstone on my molar.

[A]

Here lies Uber joke. You'd be a great Uber driver. Or a terrible one who wouldn't stop talking. But I would love it if you picked me up in an Uber. That would be so much fun.

[C]

What do you do when they start chatting you up? Or back in the day, yellow cabs when you were in New York City, when they start chatting? Chat.

[A]

This is going to sound weird to

[C]

people in and chat, or would you just be like, I think they want

[D]

him to stop chat?

[A]

No, no. This is. This is what's weird. This is what's weird. And I hope this doesn't put people off of me, but when I call an Uber, I did. I bought one of those Plexiglas separators and I have it. It's heavy, and I carry it with me and I call an Uber. And when I get in, I quickly attach it. Oh, God.

[C]

You have one for each make and model of each car?

[A]

I say. I look up which car they're going to be buying, and they're like, oh, it's going to be a Toyota 4x4. And I go like, I know which one is for the Toyota 4x4. I know which one is for. You know, I mean, literally every kind of suv.

[C]

Your house is like a Plexiglass.

[A]

That's all it is.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I quickly shout to my son, and this is. He I won't let him go to college. So he just is the guy that. He is my caddy for Plexiglas separators. And I'll just say things like, it's, you know, it's a. It's a. It's a Subaru Outback. And he's like, got it. What year? And I'll go 98. And then he rushes in. So that's kind of a dick move. And they always get very like, what the fuck? And I'm like, shut up. I don't want to talk to you. And then I actually drill into their seats, and they don't like that.

[C]

You go,

[A]

see Wussy. No talky walky. Now what do you do? Because I would imagine we're probably similar spirits that you like to talk to people. You like talking to anyone, right?

[C]

Not in. Not in the. Not in the. Not in the cab. Not in the Uber. Well, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I'm catching up on work and I'm locked in, and I got my laptop on my lap, or I'm doing work on the phone.

[A]

What are you building a rocket? I'm locked in. I'm getting the specs for re entry. You gotta get just the right. What the hell Are you locked.

[C]

I'm trying to write jokes. I'm trying to write ideas. Okay, You've worked in this business.

[A]

Really? I've never sat down and written a joke. I just go,

[C]

you wrote on legacy shows.

[A]

I did, I did, but I was never. I had. In my defense, I did, but I was never locked in. No, I get it. I get it. I'm just giving you because it's fun. You know, we're good guys. We're good guys. Hanging out, not giving you.

[C]

You're. You're harassing me.

[A]

I'm harassing you. I'm harassing you.

[C]

You're constantly harassing. You show up at my house. I don't know how you got my address. I think you looked at the paperwork.

[A]

I look at the return address on your hate mail. It's funny because the last time I saw you, I was doing a club here in la, and you were about to go on. And it's the same thing if I'm about to go on.

[C]

I had my. I'm not gonna say ginger. You get that too often. I have my redhead friend from Australia, very funny comedic actor Reese Mitchell. And instantly you guys locked eyes, and you went over to him and you went, when's the last time you got your skin checked? And you guys talked about skin for, like, 30 minutes. And then you went up and you're like, I gotta get ready for the Oscars.

[A]

I did that.

[C]

It was like a match made. They did do that. And it was like they were instant best friends, and they just talked about skin health.

[A]

And you kept trying to.

[D]

It's like what two widows do when

[A]

they've lost a husband or something. That's right. That's right. How are you managing? I'm getting by.

[C]

And instantly, there was no hesitation. He, like. You looked into Reese's eyes and you just went right in, and you gave him, like, a dermatologist's number.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You guys were.

[A]

And it was like. I had him take off his shirt, and I did a very close exam with those special glasses and that special light, and I did not like what I saw. Yeah, but it's funny how you didn't let me answer.

[C]

Rude. By the way, how I am in an Uber and I am very rude in an Uber. No, I don't usually like to talk. Well, I like to talk if the person's interesting, but it's a crapshoot. So the risk. I do a risk assessment, and sometimes the person knows when to stop talking and start talking. And sometimes they're interesting in stuff you're interested in. Sometimes it's a crazy person. Yeah. So you do a little bit of risk assessment. So I don't. Because I don't want that. Like, you know, 3% of them that are batshit crazy. There was a guy, as soon as I get in, got in his car within 10 seconds, he's like, I love Fentanyl, man. That's my problem. And I go. I go, well, yeah, I'm listening to some tunes. You see my headphone? I'm sorry. That's horrible. And he's like, God, I just quit, though. I just quit. I go, oh, when? A couple days ago. And he's pulling up to my house. So I'm like, great. Now this guy has my home address. And I'm like, this is an office. It looks like a house that I live in. It's an office. I'm going to work. At the end of the day, it's kind of a weird job, and I can't tell you anything about it because I don't like the fact that you have my personal information. And he was telling me, he's like, the patches are better than shooting it up, but. Shooting it up with the patch on. But I'm through with that shit, man.

[A]

Oh, so he's been driving you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In charge of whether you live or die.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I. I'm. I'm plagued by that Uber driver and my heart goes out to his. His afflictions, but I was trapped in it. And we were in like the thick of traffic. Like we're in West Hollywood at like 5pm so it was like the slowest. What would take like 20 minutes to get back to my house took like an hour and a half, you know, and it was the longest afternoon of my life.

[A]

Yeah, it was rough. I always say this. If the driver's been weird and they pull up to my house, I always say, it's been nice talking to you. By the way, we're selling my house tonight to Eric Andre. Yeah, Eric Andre, who, by the way, loves visitors. And. Is that fentanyl?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Keeps vintage fentanyl.

[C]

He keeps his fentanyl right by his loose cash. He's got the loose cash room and the fentanyl room and a bedroom.

[D]

That's it.

[C]

Not even a kitchen in there anyway. Oh, well, yeah. I always say to people when they pick me up from my house, or if it's a guy that like the Amazon guy recognizes me or the UPS guy, I go. I just go, yeah, I'm Airbnb in this place. Pretty trippy, huh? Anyway, think about the address.

[A]

Why is there a mural of you on the garage? That's why I Airbnb?

[C]

Yeah. To do a self portrait on the garage.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Is this what you want to talk about? We are so add. I don't think we ever make a single point.

[A]

I looked away from you for a second and I forgot who the guest was. And then I Harrison Ford. And the good news is I then I looked over at you and I was happy that you're here. So it's nice to see you, by the way.

[C]

You too.

[A]

Foreign. Peyronie's disease, also known as pd, is a condition that isn't talked about often, but it's more common than many men realize. Some men may even feel embarrassed or reluctant to bring it up. PD may involve a buildup of scar tissue that forms under the skin of the penis, which can cause a noticeable curve with a bump during an erection. That curve can lead to pain during intimacy. It also may affect a man's confidence and mental health. It also can lead to frustration, depression, lowered self esteem, and even with from sexual activity and physical intimacy. If you notice a curve with a bump down there, it might be pd. The good news is it's treatable. A urology specialist can diagnose Peyronie's disease and talk through treatment options. To learn more, visit talkaboutpd.com so much I'm looking forward to this summer.

[B]

Me, too.

[A]

You know what I'm talking about. First of all, July 4th is going to be the 250th anniversary of the United States of America. That's a big deal. And just as important, some pretty big soccer games headed our way.

[B]

Sports.

[A]

I don't want to get too specific, but let's say some pretty big soccer games are coming our way.

[B]

On a global scale.

[A]

On a global scale. That's all we'll say. So much to celebrate this summer. So you got to keep it classic with Miller Lite. Miller Light has been a true American pilsner and the original light beer since 1975. Were you even alive then?

[B]

Summer? No, I was not.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think you. I think that's good because you couldn't handle the beginning of the Miller Lite era. No, it's too iconic. Here's my summer. Okay. Yeah, hang with my buddies. Hey, this is a really good iconic soccer game that's happening that unifies all the different nations of the world. What is it? I don't have time to tell you, but let's have some Miller Lite. Clean finish, refreshing, easy to drink. And when it's hot outside, nothing feels better going down than an icy, cool Miller Lite. It's an all American summer, and it starts with all American beer, Miller lite. Go to millerlight.com kona to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Miller Time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Willwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs for 12 ounces. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. I don't know about other people, but I know for me, I like to work. And sometimes I like to work really hard. But then it can pile up, I overdo it, and I start feeling completely fried and I'm not thriving. And that happens to me sometimes. And Sony, you've seen it.

[B]

I have. I have. You work yourself a little too hard sometimes.

[A]

Well, it's important to take care of yourself when things get busy by resting, recharging, and saying no when you need to. Therapy can also be a way to get out of autopilot and get a solid reset. Talking to someone else helps you get a little distance on your situation and maybe helps you cope a little better. Therapy with BetterHelp may help you better Understand your needs, feel more confident, set boundaries, and create a rhythm that feels sustainable so you're not just go, go, go all the time. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and Preferences, and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. That's huge because picking a therapist is often a boundary for people. Take a pause. With therapy, BetterHelp can help life feel manageable again. So sign up and get 10% [e-mail] Conan that's betterhelp.com Conan. I'm curious if. Because you have such. And I want to talk about this, too. You have such a serious music background. I was reading up on you today.

[C]

Sorry. Sorry.

[A]

So far, you've shouted two things at me.

[C]

Rude and boring. Sorry.

[A]

No, but I can't help myself.

[C]

It's very hard to be like, bring it back to serious.

[A]

This is going to stay serious long.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But I love that you just dropped an album, and it's called Film Scores for Films that Don't Exist. Yeah, it's a classical album. You wrote film Scores for Movies that aren't real.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was listening to it today. A bunch of us were listening to it, and it's legit. It's really good.

[C]

Thanks. Thank you.

[A]

It's really good.

[C]

I'm flattered by that. Thank you.

[A]

And. And then I was like, well, wait, I know that you played jazz bass and you're serious. You, like, studied at Berklee School of Music. But I didn't realize when you were a little kid and you started playing tuba when you were really young.

[C]

Yeah, I played piano at 5. Tuba in 6th grade and cello and bass in high school.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then. So this was just something that was in you.

[C]

Like, I. I went to school in Boston. I went to Berkeley College of Jazz, Daddy O. And I played the. I played the Seinfeld theme over and over again for four.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I can't. I flicked a dime under a lamppost.

[A]

That was a course.

[C]

I shot a apple off my wife's head. Or whatever William S. Burroughs did. You know about that?

[A]

And he killed her, right?

[C]

He killed his wife. And then when the cops come, he goes, we were playing William Tell. The game where you shoot an apple.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Of the head. It was more of like a. I think he was, like, the laziest excuse for homicide. I'm sorry I made your podcast so dark.

[A]

No, no, this is what people. People love true crime podcasts. So we're going to become one briefly. But that's what I always heard is the police show up. And he went. We were playing, and his wife's lying there with a bullet in her head. And he's like. We were playing William Tell, and I tried to shoot an apple off her head. Didn't work out, but she can't arrest me.

[C]

Yeah. And the cops were like, that's legally, like. I mean, that's solid. Sorry we bothered you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait, so he go back ext.

[D]

Killed her, and then went to the refrigerator, got an apple and placed it by her head?

[A]

I don't even know if he just said, I ate the apple.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Oh, there wasn't even an apple there.

[C]

No.

[A]

I don't know. All of us are talking about this thing, and guess what kind of true

[D]

crime podcast is this?

[A]

This is the best kind, where people just shoot off their mouths about a crime that maybe didn't even happen. And I'm going to right now say, Eric doesn't know what the he's talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. We both just kind of heard this thing. Yes.

[C]

Andy got self conscious because I was about to make the same jazz jokes that I made on your podcast last time. So I was like, what's another beatnik? I haven't covered no one William S. Burroughs. And then I heard your audience. Everyone's butthole dried out at that every. At that moment.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

And Adam, they were all moist until that. Can we say that on your podcast?

[A]

We can.

[C]

You Puritan Adam Sachs will confirm this.

[A]

No one's ever listened to more than one of these podcasts. We have a huge, huge number of people, but we're just working our way through Earth's population. But no one's ever, after listening to one, listen to another.

[C]

Wow. Very strange way of getting it.

[A]

We're like, repeat your stories at will.

[D]

We got a verdict on William S. Burroughs.

[E]

Yeah, it really happened.

[C]

Dark. You're about to look up some dark.

[E]

1951 in Mexico City. Yeah. William S. Burroughs shot and killed his

[C]

wife and said he was playing William

[E]

said he was playing William Tell.

[A]

And how did he get off then?

[E]

He didn't. He was convicted.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, he was. Oh, I thought he. I thought they were like.

[A]

So did he go to prison for a long time?

[E]

He was convicted of culpable homicide in Mexico, but served only 13 days in jail before his brother secured his release on bail.

[A]

Well, if you're gonna murder your wife,

[C]

do it on down to Mexico.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

He Was later convicted in absentia, receiving a two year suspended sentence.

[C]

It doesn't seem that bad for killing your wife.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm just gonna say a message to all murderers out there. Keep that William Tell thing in your back pocket. Keep an apple.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the William Tell story in your back pocket. And maybe do it with a bow and arrow, too.

[D]

Just a really.

[A]

You came into a bank, took all the money and shot someone. It was a William Tell game.

[C]

Yeah, I barely know what William Tell is beyond a guy that shot an apple off of somebody's head with an arrow. Beyond that, I couldn't tell you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I couldn't tell you a single thing about William Tell. What era?

[D]

I know you wrote an overture. That's it.

[C]

There is an overture.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

For William Tell. Was William Tell a fictional character? You went to Harvard, smarty pants. You tell us, Daddy war books. That would be work if you're rich. I meant like an egghead. Yeah, Einstein.

[A]

There you go. Einstein's better.

[C]

I'm off my game today.

[A]

Conan, you are so off your game. You're just a big mess, and it's

[C]

delighting you ruin for the Knicks, Mr. Boston.

[A]

Yeah, I am.

[D]

You know why?

[A]

You know why?

[C]

Are you okay rooting for the Knicks right now?

[A]

I am okay rooting for the Knicks because I think it's a good thing for New York. I spent a lot of time in New York. They haven't had A title since 73. I'm very happy for them.

[C]

There are Celtics fans listening to you right now. What a sellout piece of shit human being. How dare he? That's my Boston, actually.

[A]

By the way, what Celtics fan has ever committed violence? Look it up. I don't think it's happened. I think I'm on safe ground.

[C]

Very Boston, historically, very safe sports fans.

[A]

I'm happy for the Knicks.

[C]

I am.

[B]

No, you can't be.

[C]

You just know there's, like, three guys in Dorchester right now pissed at you. Yeah, there's a guy in Alewife right now pulling his hair out like Conan. You're a Celtics fan and nothing else. Nothing else I can't do. I can do a Braintree accent, but not a Quincy or an Albert Burlington air in Nashua.

[B]

Can you do those?

[C]

I can do Tewksbury and Andover, but I can't do Worcestera.

[B]

Pretty good.

[C]

Pretty good. Now, when it comes to Massachusetts, I only do region by region. My accent works. I'm the Fred Armisen of Massachusetts.

[A]

Oh, I thought of something today that would be fun and you'd have been good at this, too. This would be a great thing for you. But I was convinced I should do this. When we record this. I don't know when this airs, but the Knicks are up two games. They're looking for a sweep. Possibly they're headed back to Madison Square Garden. It's just a huge thing. And all these hardcore Knicks fans who've been there for years, Chalamet's hardcore Nick fan, Ben Stiller, Spike Lee has been in every Knicks game since they created basketball. And I thought it'd be really funny if I dressed up in all this Knicks regalia and somehow forced my way in and did one of those things that some celebrities do where they act like I've been a fan all along, but they're just there for the gravy. And people. I love ideas where people would hate me so much, but somehow I get a decent ringside, like, courtside seat, and I'm like, yeah, yeah. And I keep going over to Chalamet and trying to high five him and Stiller, and I've just got Nick's goggles and a goofy foam hat and we're number one. People would be so justifiably mad. And then in interviews, I don't know who any of the players are. I'm not even sure how the game is played. Hey, they were shooting against that basket in the first half.

[B]

What are they over there for?

[C]

And when do they hit a home run already?

[A]

Yeah. And then I'm like, go, Knicks. Go Knicks. Wouldn't people get so mad? And if you were with.

[C]

I got these tickets for free. F R E E free. I even had the money and the fentanyl patches.

[A]

Hello. I called WME and I said, make it happen. Get me in to see the Canucks win the World Series of Basketball. What a dick move.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. I'm fine. You be fascinated by those things, because that's been making people.

[C]

I've been. I've been. I haven't told anybody this. I've been photoshopping fake injuries of Knicks players and sending them to my friends who are die hard Knicks fans. So I've been photoshopping fake TMZ articles like, Brunson tore his ACL this morning with today's date and texting them to my friends who are die hard Knicks fans. And they're like, I swear to God, Eric, like your voodoo. Whatever you think is funny right now, it is not funny. You are not funny. And the more angry they get, the more I'm. I'm cranking out these Fake Photoshopped articles of injured Knicks players right now. Yeah, yeah. And I'm losing. I'm losing friends so bad.

[A]

But also just to, like. I mean. Yes. To say things like, what? Text people early in the morning? Why was Brunson operating a wheat thresher in the first place?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Wait, what? I don't know.

[C]

Why would they trade Josh Hart to the Pistons now between game two and game three of the finals? They're going to trade them, okay? Their team and my friends are pulling their. Their hair out.

[A]

Well, of course. They take everything with a. I try to. I mean, I think I do stuff like that all the time where I'm just deadly serious. And I can still convince you. Sona.

[B]

I know I fall for it, but you guys both seem to like humor that only you think is funny.

[C]

Yeah, that's a problem. Richer if I'd have Kevin Hart's bank account. Hopefully, if I didn't have that affliction. I forgot you got to do comedy for other people. And then.

[A]

I still don't see it that way. I still don't see it that way. I'm still a. If you like this, you can have some. And if you don't, get out of

[C]

my store, I'll talk to Ali Wong, and she's, like, on a private jet on her way to play, like, a soccer stadium in Qatar, and I'm doing, like, the Chuckle Hut in Coyote Bladder, Mississippi. Like, passing out Flyers outside of the venue. I'm like, man, I should probably start writing jokes that more than three people like.

[A]

Also, I. I really. I got some pretty good laughs falling 15ft onto some spikes, and then there's a recovery time. By the way, do you have lifelong injuries?

[C]

No, no, no, no. I mean, you should bring the jackass guys in here. Those guys are.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Very injured. Johnny Evil Can Evil.

[A]

When Johnny Knoxville starts going through some of his injuries, it actually makes my stomach queasy. It's like, he's been here, and I love the guy, but he's. I mean, he broke his penis. He broke it.

[C]

Yeah. And he had a catheter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his eyeball fell out one movie, and he had, like,

[A]

a medic there.

[C]

I had injuries that I used to brag about him, but when I started hanging out with those guys, I'm like, oh, dear Lord. It sounds like how they, like, England would torture people in, like, the year 1133. Like, whenever you read about the Dark Ages, you're like, God damn. England really hated people.

[A]

So how did you Your tongue got. Got torn out and then shoved up your ass until it was back where your tongue goes. Yeah. What stunt were you doing where that happened?

[C]

England was being quite rude for, let's say a thousand years to their own people and all their neighbors.

[A]

Rude, Rude.

[C]

Rude to the French. To the Irish. They were being less than polite.

[A]

Yeah. They were a little cranky for a couple of thousand years. Then they got it out of their system.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Then they chilled. Then they went India and Africa and they chilled out. Then they were cool. Then they were chill. Then they were chill. And Australia. They were quite rude to the world. England.

[A]

You made this.

[C]

I'm taking England down a show. I won't be silenced.

[A]

You will be silenced. Love you, England.

[C]

Pandering to your Irish. Whatever Irish you have in you. Because you could be a little Scottish too. Right?

[A]

You know, there's no. I'm 100%.

[C]

You're 100%.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I was trying to pander to you and you didn't take the bait. I was like, england sucks. Right?

[A]

Cuz, Guess What?

[C]

Hey, Mar. March 17th is coming up next year. Your favorite holiday. Have you ever teed up for you.

[A]

Have you ever seen me wear green on St. Patrick's Day? Never.

[B]

Never.

[C]

I at least thought you would be like, I hate.

[A]

Because real Irish people don't like Irish people. I always. Yeah. Which is. It's a thing. We just don't. You hate everyone equally.

[C]

That's good.

[A]

I think it's good.

[C]

It's good. It's healthy.

[A]

I want to ask you about. I'm going to change the subject and I'm going to do something this semi professional. But don't hate me for it.

[B]

It.

[A]

You.

[C]

You made a naked picture of me and I feel very uncomfortable every time you look down at it.

[A]

You made a movie. You made a movie that's coming out and it's.

[C]

There's Epstein's emails at the bottom of your notes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

J E E Vacations. Gmail. With my body drawn.

[A]

So I keep trying to book a flight on his plane and he won't get back to me.

[C]

Hello.

[A]

You made a movie called Little Brother.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Very funny movie with you and Mr. John Cena. And you do. There's a lot of you. Very funny. But doing very physical stuff.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And I pray to God you have a body double for these things because there's some truly cartoonish scenes. Please tell me there's someone who looks a lot like you who's getting thrown into a wall at 600 miles an hour.

[C]

This can neither Be confirmed nor denied. I'm like Tom Cruise. I'm taking it to the grave. And yes, of course, I paid a 25 year old Puerto Rican guy to fly through glass. I'm in my 40s now. I'm not. You know, I injured myself enough on my own show. I need a little help now.

[A]

You need a little help?

[C]

I need a little help.

[A]

What I seem to remember is you made this movie with John Cena, and you guys are very funny together, but I think John Cena once seriously injured you, didn't he?

[C]

Poor John. So he. In reality. He did not. He did. He. We did a stunt that went awry

[A]

back in 2000, I believe.

[C]

No, no. 2000.

[A]

Yeah. I was kidding. I was trying to see how healthy you are now. No, it was 2020. Was this 2020? I think it was 2020.

[C]

You're from the show Golden Girls, right? I'm talking to Blanche dubois. I love your work. I love your podcast. I remember your questions are all over

[A]

the place, but kindness of strangers. Look, I'm just.

[C]

You have a Blanche dubois quality about you. I'm just realizing. I do.

[A]

I was very beautiful in my youth. That's what people used to.

[D]

Randy old woman.

[A]

Now I'm a randy old lady and I'm flitting around my New Orleans apartment.

[C]

It was Boca Raton, Florida, where the show took place fictionally.

[B]

Streetcar.

[A]

Yeah. And you're doing.

[C]

You're talking Streetcar. Yeah, I'm talking Golden Girls.

[B]

Is it dubois or is it Devereaux? It was Blanche Devereaux.

[C]

On Golden Girls, I was Blanche dubois.

[A]

Blanche dubois from Streetcar Named Desire. So I was right.

[C]

And you're Vivian Lee, right? The actress?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

The fictional character is Blanche dubois. My entire life up till this moment, I thought Blanche dubois was the redhead on Golden Girls.

[B]

I do get why they both have French last names.

[A]

This might be.

[C]

They're almost. Names are almost identical until the last couple syllables. What is it? It's Blanche Devereaux.

[A]

This entire Devereaux. This ent.

[C]

You had a broken joke for five minutes and you did nothing to help me?

[A]

This entire podcast is one of the. It's like seven garden hoses that are hopelessly gnarled together, and one of them's leaking and we're trying to untangle them to figure out which one to turn off the water, but we can't. And there's just water everywhere.

[C]

We're still in that jalopy with the triangle wheels.

[A]

Like, we're a disaster.

[B]

How long? He was talking about the Golden Girls and how long you were talking about a streetcar. Nature.

[C]

We were vibing, man. We had riz. I don't know what that means, but

[B]

we don't know either who quoted it.

[A]

I have to say. I have to come clean here. I got off a plane very recently from Morocco. My mind is an excuse for everything. My mind is not working. And you know what? Yours isn't working either. And I don't think you have an excuse. And together we're just a big hot mess. And I'm very happy. I don't care.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is a disaster.

[C]

Why were you in Morocco?

[A]

I do some business there. Yeah.

[C]

You're smuggling hash again.

[A]

I could neither confirm nor deny I'm Tom Cruise. If he was smuggling hash.

[C]

No, no. What did you ask me? You said you haven't seen.

[A]

You know, this is like a cop.

[C]

Oh, it's a travel show.

[A]

This is like a cop who pulls a guy over, but the cop and the guy are both drunk. See your wallet. Wait, what? You have to step out of the airplane. It's a car. Wait, what? We're just two big messes interrogating each other. I don't know who's in charge here anymore.

[C]

Oh, I didn't know Blanche dubois wasn't the one for the Golden Girls. I watched Golden Girls when I was young with my grandma. Cuz I lived in Boca Raton, Florida.

[A]

I watched Streetcard Named Desire with my grandmother over and over again because I was very closeted.

[C]

I just wanted to clear the air. That liquid has been here for ages. We don't know what that is. That Guinness.

[B]

This?

[A]

Yeah. I'm having a Guinness right now. That's my other problem.

[C]

Okay, now, Cena, what did you really ask? I really. I truly can't remember.

[A]

I am gonna say this very clearly.

[C]

I changed. Let me tell you.

[A]

What Cena in 2020. Oh, yeah. He threw me through. You threw me.

[C]

Okay, so he threw me. It's not much of a story. He threw me through a shelf on the Eric Andre show. I destroy the set every time. And I found out he was a big fan of the show. So we had him come in. He grabs me. He's like, ah. He grabs me, throws me through a shelf. That part of the stunt was fine. Our department, we forgot the sandbag down the shelf and it had a metal frame. And even beforehand, my stunt coordinator was like, that thing's got a metal frame. You gotta be careful. I don't like that prop. I don't like that prop. You said, I don't like that prop. I go, blah, Blah, blah, blah. Dude, I don't pay you to think dog. Now show me those abs, daddy. And then Cena threw me through the thing. He did the stunt properly. I went through the thing properly. But then the thing went. It went over. And it was the only season of Eric Andre's show. I got rid of all my body hair on purpose. I bicked my head bald. I waxed my pubic hair that you can't even see on tv. Alana Glaser goes, you have to blur your crotch for why did you wax your pubes? That doesn't even translate. And I go, oh, yeah. I don't know. I didn't think about it.

[A]

These are the things professionals talk about. I have one question. Yes, Alana? Why did you wax your pubes? That's a good point.

[C]

So. So I didn't have my hair. Works like. Like. Like antennas. Like, I. I know when stuff's coming because I have big hair. You have big hair. So I didn't feel it coming. And the thing went over and boom, Gave me a big Fred Flintstone. And I got a concussion. I, like, got dizzy. I was talking about things that didn't make any sense, and I went to the hospital and got a CAT scan.

[A]

And you immediately booked a podcast.

[C]

That was 10 minutes before I showed up. Guess that wasn't his craziest trip to Morocco ever. I'm trying to pitch a travel show right now. I pitched to the network you're on, and because of you, they go, we already have a travel show. And I go, conan stole my idea that I stole from Anthony Bourdain.

[A]

Yes. Trust me. Listen, you can have my travel show. I will give it to you, but you still have to call it Conan o' Brien must go, but it's with you, and we don't even know. Explain it to anybody. And you get all the money and the glory. And I just am like, yep. People are like, what is that white? Why is it Conan o' Brien must

[C]

go for five minutes? You were my Newman. I was like, oh, Brian. Always after me, always nipping at my heels. I'm eating canned beans by fucking candlelight. I'm like, oh, Really? I switched my SSRI by 5 milligrams by, like, this much. In which direction I went up. I go, maybe I just go up a little bit. And now my brain is like. So I called my psychiatrist today. I go, and I think, I gotta take the elevator back down sweating.

[A]

You should have.

[C]

I mean, I'm on, like, 55 peptides. I'm gonna Be ripped by the end of this interview. But I'm gonna have pendulous breasts like Vivian Lee and Streetcar Named Desire to Golden Girls.

[A]

Golden Girls.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You got hot train SSRIs by the end of this. Why don't we do a little Russ?

[A]

You can be on what I'm on. Yeah, I got him on. I got on him. Pretty late for a guy with my affliction.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's how I feel for a really long time. And then.

[C]

What do you think that is? Pride. I'm like, why did I wait so long?

[A]

I know. In my case it was just. Nope. You don't take anything to make life easier. If anything, you do things to make life harder.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So I hair shirted it and I

[C]

just was like, what's hair shirted do?

[A]

Like, hair shirt means you're just like. I don't know, you're.

[C]

That's not a phrase.

[A]

Yeah. You wear a hair shirt. I just. I've never collapsed it. I collapsed Bronx used to wear it

[D]

to do like self punishment.

[A]

Right. It's a kind of putting on a hair shirt.

[C]

It's like Irish Catholic repression. It's like repress everything or self anesthetized. Was it like that kind of thing? Yeah. I like reducing you to a stereotype. That's what I'm trying to do.

[A]

You are reducing me to stereotype only. Exactly. True. You're right.

[C]

Hey, Celtics, right? England bad, Celtics good. I keep pandering.

[A]

And I do live under a magical mushroom in the forest putting on a hair shirt.

[B]

Is this.

[A]

Is this phrase. But basically I think that's what I was doing was saying I don't. Something that makes life a little easier for you. That it's supposed to be hard. And I did that. Well, I don't know why. Well past the age when I should have been doing that, so.

[C]

And you're in your 90s now. So what. What are we talking like that?

[A]

OK.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Did I fight in World War II? Yes. Was I old then? Yeah. I went into the battle at 35 years old.

[C]

And you fought for the Japanese.

[A]

I fought for the Japanese because I said the cars they make in 20 years are going to be fucking amazing. I should have done my homework anyway.

[C]

Another Guinness. I'm sweating.

[A]

You are. You're a big mess. But watch this.

[C]

But I did climax several times. What's going on? Out of here. Garbage at me.

[A]

No, she's throwing you some Kleenex so you can wipe the sweat. Just light it like a bartender.

[C]

But I just see Giant and it's empty. Oh, no, there is one in there. Why? I was like, do you want me to throw that out for you or budget that? If I do that, I'll have patches of tissue all over my head, which will be worse.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

You made a movie with John Cena?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

It's called Little Brother. You guys are really funny together.

[C]

Thank you. I've been trying to talk about it the whole time, but you're all over the place. We get it, dude. You went to Morocco, but now you're back in the usa, a country with absolutely zero problems, baby.

[A]

Hey, don't you dare make political commentary here. Don't you dare.

[C]

I didn't say a word. Usa. Usa. Usa. Do they got that chair in your little Moroccan paradise?

[E]

No, they don't. No, they don't.

[C]

Thank you. I chant USA to every foreign country I go to.

[A]

And they like it.

[B]

They eat.

[C]

They love it.

[A]

Tell me more of this USA I wear star spangled.

[C]

I dress like Uncle Sam. Star spangled top hat outfit.

[A]

It goes back to the beginning of the POD when I talked about the worst Halloween costume I ever had. My mom, God bless her soul, but she said, I'll take care of it. And she. He got me an Uncle Sam costume and it was like 1970, height of Vietnam, 1973, Watergate. And I'm like, I've got this mat and I, and we've talked about it years ago on the podcast, but yeah, we bought it.

[C]

Do you have an image of it? You gotta put a picture.

[A]

We. Yeah, we. We did, I think. Find one.

[C]

Yeah, put a picture on. Put a nude. Put a nude image of yourself on the screen right now.

[A]

Okay, I'll get some clicks.

[C]

Let's see what you're working with.

[A]

All right, well, I think you'll be quite pleased that yours isn't like that. All

[C]

I want to see what you put your wife through. I'm gonna say twice a year.

[A]

Why she's crying. Oh, you're so far off. We hit the big tree. So why are you just laughing along? Why can't you jump in and say, that's not true? He's very sensual.

[B]

Why would I say that?

[A]

Just from what. What you've heard, you're supposed to have my back on these things. Implicating her in super sensual.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait. Can we talk about my movie, Conan?

[A]

I don't want to.

[C]

Dude, help me out, dog.

[A]

You guys are funny together.

[C]

Trying to plug a thing here.

[A]

Why don't I do it? Cuz you're in no state. You're crashing you took the wrong pills. You need to get a real 5

[C]

milligrams of Zoloft, dude. I'm partying, dog. Is it funny in your 20s, you're like. You're like, texting your friends. Get me coke, get me Molly, get me mushrooms. In your 40s, you're like, get me Propecia, Zoloft, Wellbutrin.

[A]

Something to moisten my gums.

[B]

What?

[A]

Is that a thing? You bet it is.

[E]

What?

[A]

You make this movie. It's very funny.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

And my curiosity is, you guys must have known beforehand that you do well together. I mean, clearly, he had been on the show. He had thrown you through a bookcase.

[C]

But I love John. Well, he. Well, we're totally opposite. The way we look, the way we behave. So I knew, like, instantly. That's a recipe for a good comedic duo.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I love his work ethic. And he's got comedic chops. You look at him and he's this giant lumberjack. It's like, he doesn't make sense. He shouldn't exist. But he does. He knows Mandarin fluently. Do you know what it is?

[A]

No.

[C]

He plays virtuoso. Like, piano. Like concert piano. He's the most interesting man in the world. And, like, he's just. He's got comedy chops. It's not fair.

[A]

No, it's not me.

[C]

And you have to have comedy chops or no one will talk to people across the street.

[A]

Very good athlete and a male model. But anyway. No.

[C]

I look like Snuffleupagus. Yeah. Last time I was on the box, you told me you had gray teeth growing up.

[A]

That's when it clicked.

[C]

Cause you are a handsome man. And you're tall. You're tall, and you are a handsome man. Man. But as soon as you said you

[A]

had great, two dead, great teeth in the front of my mouth, I go,

[C]

that's why he's a comedian.

[A]

I was like, there are plenty of other reasons I was a comedian.

[C]

But the great teeth, they help.

[A]

You need those things as a child.

[C]

People are surprised when I, like, I tell them I meditate and I do my homework, and I got, like, straight A's in school. They're like, what?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

They think I dropped out of, like, fourth grade and just, like, ate candy until, like, now. They think I'm just like. I eat a gummy worm sandwich every morning. I think I go home and I'm just like, Go, aruga, aruga. Which, yes, I do do some of that, but you know what I'm talking about.

[A]

Well, I know, except I really do those things at home and I don't meditate, so I could use more Eric, you know?

[C]

You want to snort some Lexapro dog? Which one are you on? I got. I'm on a new one.

[E]

Oh, really?

[A]

I'm just on straight Prozac.

[C]

Oh, old school. Old school.

[A]

I mean, Proac. And my Prozac was developed in the 50s.

[C]

Oh, you have vintage. You have, like, an artisanal.

[A]

It's very hard to. It says, use Doc Connors Prozac, and

[C]

you run out a lot more effort.

[D]

Prozac.

[A]

Yeah, it says, goes well with cigarettes. Yeah.

[C]

When you started, did the demons just go? And you were like, oh, I didn't have to live like that for that long.

[A]

It was annoying. It was annoying. What was that all about? About. But no, I credit Andy Richter. Andy Richter is the one that said, you know, why don't you get some.

[C]

Take the help.

[A]

Yeah. And. And it doesn't change who you are or anything.

[C]

I thought it would. That's the other thing.

[A]

That's why I didn't do it.

[C]

That's why I was hung up. I was like, I won't be comedic.

[A]

Yes. That's what I thought.

[C]

And. And clearly I'm right, because I'm. I've been a mess this entire podcast. But I was like, it'll change my personality. I don't want to be, like, catatonic. I thought I was going to be like Jack Nicholson when he gets electroshock therapy and One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. Just like. Like vegetabled.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

And I was like, I can't. That'll ruin me. But I was. I guess that's part of it. Anxiety.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Obsessive compulsive thought loops. Depression. I am really just bringing this podcast down, I think. And I won't let you plug the very movie I'm in.

[A]

We're not plugging that anymore. We're now plugging Lexa Pro.

[C]

Eric.

[A]

Andre, you are what I want to be. When I go, you're just. You're. You're just. I so love being around you, being super serious.

[C]

Likewise.

[A]

I just. I've always loved all the times you came on my show crashing through things, and you're just a force for good. So I'm super happy for you. I'm happy you've made this. I mean, and again, there's not just the movie, there's also this. This album that just tickles me. Film scores for films that don't exist. You're such a hyper talented guy. And please come back back and make even less sense next time because these are my favorite. These are my favorite episodes. They really are. Peace out Tupac. Credits

[C]

Conan always says peace out Tupac whenever he ends anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

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[B]

Yeah.

[A]

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[B]

Huh.

[A]

It's a good deal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No quarterly activations, no categories to Track, just unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. Sona, just the other day I bought you this antique wig stand.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And I didn't get cash back and I regret it now.

[B]

Oh, okay. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift.

[A]

Do you wear a wig or is that your hair?

[B]

Absolutely not. It's definitely my hair. And so it's kind of. It's kind of insulting you would buy that gift for me.

[A]

Well, I'll just return it anyway. But I do wish I got cash back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Visit usbank.com smartly card to learn more. The creditor and issuer of this card is U.S. bank National Association. Pursuant to a license from Visa USA Inc. Some restrictions may apply.

[D]

You guys want to do a review? The reviewer.

[A]

Well, I think the answer is yes.

[D]

Okay, great.

[A]

Yeah. Always say yes.

[D]

Just as we planned it.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

This is where I go to Apple Podcasts. I find a review for the podcast and we can talk about it. We'll review that podcast.

[A]

I love it.

[D]

We have Katie Jordan Wolf. The title is Ghost of Christmas hell. 5 star review. If Conan had wanted my 5 stars so bad, he could have just called instead of haunting my dreams like the Ghost of Christmas Hell. Guys, I'm still reeling. I can't get the cackling image out of my head from a nightmare I had last night. I guess the spirit of Conan won't rest until I rate the damn podcast. And Ghost of Christmas Hell held me in my horrific vision. Conan was the villain of Terminator 2 Judgment Day with, and this might be the most disturbing visual of the whole thing. A shaved head. He was like a cackling Joker slash Lex Luthor in a too tight suit and staring at me with his beady little eyes. Anyway, thank you, Conan, for this awful image that will haunt me till the day I die. And I will probably somehow linger after I'm long dead, buried in the minds of my descendants. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the. Here, take your five stars, you ruthless animal, and stop visiting my dreams.

[A]

Oh, my God. What is her first name?

[D]

Katie.

[A]

Katie. First of all, great writing.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Great writer. Really funny. And help me because you know these things. The villain in Terminator 2 is that the policeman who can. Who has liquid. Who can turn into liquid. Patrick, it's the evil T1000. Don't act like.

[E]

Don't.

[A]

Don't do that. What? Don't do What? It's the T1000. It's the evil T1000.

[C]

It's the nervous assist.

[D]

He's helping out.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

I'm helping out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

There we go.

[E]

Nerd.

[D]

Alley.

[A]

Oop. Any hoops.

[B]

I can't believe we're inventing these terms.

[A]

So I was shaved head. I wonder what a Freudian psychologist would say about, you know, what does it mean? I'm there. Cackling yeah, I've got a shaved head. I don't know what you mean.

[B]

You could.

[D]

You kind of are T1000 in a way. You're lithe and, like, nimble. You can slip through jail bars.

[A]

Yes, Yes, I can. I'm, first of all, am primarily made of liquid metal, but also, yes, I can shape shift. I'm a shape shifter, a mind grifter, a high plains drifter. There's nothing I can't do. There's no gum I won't chew.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I see myself very much in that role. So I think it's cool and correct that Katie identified me that way.

[B]

Don't you want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger? No.

[A]

No. That's awful because then you have to be governor of California, and I think the state is ungodly.

[D]

Governor, so we're gonna find out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, there's a. There's a big thought that California should be split up into smaller states.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. No, because it's too big. It's too big. No one seems to be able to run this place.

[D]

The North, Central and the South.

[A]

Yeah, I think there should be three different states.

[D]

Oh, so you do subscribe to this.

[A]

I'm just gonna go with it because it's good for the podcast for me to have a strong opinion. I think it should be subdivided. I think it should be three states. States Foreign and oia.

[D]

Yeah, I live in the state of foreign.

[A]

What is ia? I'm in form, but we're headed down to OIA for Christmas.

[D]

But I vacation in Ian.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that. Some people believe that that's what should happen.

[D]

Some people believe it should secede from the Union, too. Where do you fall on that?

[A]

Well, because we are the world's fourth largest economy. Interest. Interesting. No, I don't think so.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I will change that opinion if it gets us more content for the podcast. Do whatever it takes. So for me to have a strong opinion, do we secede? I mean, I guess, but then that raises all of its own problems. We could be attacked by Utah in the night, and you don't want that.

[B]

Utah?

[D]

Yeah, I think we could take Utah.

[B]

I don't know. Our army.

[A]

I don't know how.

[B]

Our army.

[A]

And also remember, if we're split into three. Three, then that's a. Oh, you're saying if we are three, are we three different countries?

[D]

I think if we secede, we're one.

[A]

So what are you. For us breaking into three and staying?

[D]

Oh, I'm not getting in. You're not dragging me into this.

[A]

Well, you are California born and bred, so you have to weigh in on this. You're an immigrant, so you.

[B]

What? I'm not an immigrant.

[A]

You can't vote. You can sworn the town over from me. You can vote.

[B]

Immigrants can vote. What? Conan. Yes, we can. First of all, I'm not an immigrant. Yay. I got her.

[A]

I got her anywhere. Admit I was birthing you long before Trump was birthing Obama. I was. Bring your status about it. You know what I got you uncertain.

[B]

I was born here. I was born in Monte Bello.

[A]

Well, which is it? You keep changing your story.

[B]

Stop. I'm saying I'm trying to teach you that immigrants are allowed to vote. And if. And it's okay. And I'm glad it never.

[A]

They should be. And I'm glad we've now changed it so they can.

[B]

Wow. Okay, good.

[A]

And whenever. That great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm for it. I am for it. And I'm glad that finally that's the way we're doing things.

[D]

Well, Katie, I hope we answered your question.

[B]

I know. What do you. You totally went off topic. I brought up Arnold Schwarzenegger, and you started bringing up breaking the state into three parts.

[A]

Well, which is it? Do you want it to be three different states or do you want it to be one that secedes from the United States, its own country?

[B]

I want to keep us together. I think we're stronger together. So I'd like to be our own country.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I would love to have a passport that's just. Just like California.

[A]

Yeah. And it says Chill dude.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

In Latin on the top.

[B]

What is chill dude in Latin?

[A]

I don't know. I'm not even going to try it. Yeah.

[D]

Dorme brous, bro.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Hey, you know what? That's you.

[D]

We're going to legitimize your citizenship for that.

[A]

You know what? Sona. Welcome to America.

[B]

Don't do an accent when you say it.

[A]

Everyone says it's America.

[B]

This is awful. That's.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

It's okay to be an immigrant. That's the strong stance I'm taking.

[A]

I love immigrants. And I'm so glad that you are here now. I'm glad. I love that you're here now.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She used to listen to me on Radio Free Europe when she was growing

[D]

up in the country of Montebello.

[A]

In the country of Montebello nestled in between Serbia and. I gotta get outta here. Yeah.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

I'm gonna secede from this podcast. Yes. Yes. We're all. Now we're all. Let's break this podcast up into three distinct okay, this is why people are

[B]

dreaming of or having dreams of you as a villain.

[A]

I am a villain.

[B]

If you listen to this podcast, you are a villain.

[A]

I am an arch villain.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'm the Joker and the Riddler all combined. Yeah, it's true. Peace out, Tupac.

[D]

Conan o' Brien Needs a Friend With Conan o' Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley Produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow Theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our Associate Talent producer is Jennifer. Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign. Sign [e-mail] Conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O' Brien needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[A]

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