Grand Theft Rickshaw

Summary

Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Episode: Grand Theft Rickshaw

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Guest Introduction: Rusty Irani

In this heartfelt and humorous episode of Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend, Conan O’Brien welcomes Rusty Irani, a long-time fan from Mumbai, India. Rusty shares his personal journey living with spinal muscular atrophy (SMA) and navigating life in a bustling metropolis. Their conversation is filled with candid moments, laughter, and profound insights into resilience and friendship.

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Rusty's Background and Health Journey

Rusty opens up about his diagnosis with spinal muscular atrophy, a progressive neurological disorder that has confined him to a wheelchair for over three decades. He explains the challenges of living with SMA and the limitations in accessing life-saving medications in India:

[04:26] Rusty Irani: "It's a progressive disorder where my body doesn't make this protein that helps my nerves to create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow. So hence the atrophi bit."

Conan expresses deep admiration for Rusty's strength and positive outlook despite his condition:

[06:00] Conan O'Brien: "Rusty, first of all, I just love that clearly you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such a fantastic outlook. You're so funny."

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Life in Mumbai: Navigating Urban Challenges

Rusty delves into the difficulties of maneuvering through Mumbai's chaotic streets in a wheelchair. He highlights the lack of infrastructure and societal misconceptions, which often lead to dangerous and frustrating encounters:

[07:21] Rusty Irani: "Everybody thinks I'm just out for a ride. The seriously creepy part about my disease is I don't look disabled... but when I'm out there, people chase me. It's mayhem."

Conan empathizes, contrasting Rusty's experiences with the more regulated environment in the United States:

[08:35] Rusty Irani: "Nobody here would even come to support me. I would not even be able to make it to the town hall here. So, like, you know, that would be a challenge."

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Coping with Disability through Humor and Creativity

Rusty emphasizes his refusal to let SMA define him, choosing instead to use humor as a coping mechanism. He rejects the stereotype of individuals with disabilities being mere sources of inspiration, advocating instead for laughter and authenticity:

[06:20] Rusty Irani: "I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on like reality television with like an inspiration porn story... I'd rather joke about it and crack a smile."

He shares his entrepreneurial aspirations, envisioning a YouTube channel called "Wheelie Vision" that would feature comedic skits and wheelchair reviews:

[10:21] Rusty Irani: "I want to start my own YouTube channel... a skit comedy show with no holds barred."

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Cultural Differences in Entertainment: The Indian 'Grand Theft Auto'

A significant portion of the conversation explores Rusty's interest in video games, particularly the Indian adaptation of "Grand Theft Auto." He explains how cultural elements are integrated into the game, replacing cars with rickshaws to better fit the local context:

[18:43] Rusty Irani: "There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA and replaced the cars with rickshaws."

Conan finds the concept amusing and engages with Rusty over the cultural nuances depicted in the game:

[19:04] Conan O'Brien: "I think they just pulled this up... Oh, my God."

They watch a clip showcasing the Indian version, noting the humorous inclusion of familiar characters like Mario:

[19:26] Conan O'Brien: "Mario’s in there... Grand Theft Auto involves rickshaws."

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Family Dynamics and Personal Relationships

Rusty opens up about his relationship with his parents, particularly his father, who serves as both caregiver and an overzealous matchmaker. He shares amusing anecdotes about his father's attempts to set him up, highlighting the cultural expectations surrounding marriage:

[20:21] Rusty Irani: "My father thinks that every woman I meet is an ideal mate for me... he always thinks there's a cure right around the corner."

Conan relates by sharing similar experiences with his own father, fostering a sense of camaraderie and understanding between them:

[21:54] Rusty Irani: "I want people to laugh with the disabled and not in a bad way... how does that work?"

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Closing Remarks and Mutual Appreciation

As the episode draws to a close, both Conan and Rusty express gratitude and appreciation for each other. Rusty reveals that he's been a fan for decades, initially stumbling upon Conan during a less-than-ideal search:

[25:03] Rusty Irani: "Since 1993, when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time."

Conan appreciates Rusty's unwavering support and humor, hoping to continue building their friendship:

[26:31] Conan O’Brien: "So Rusty, I hope to meet you in person one day, but until then, same here. Be well. Take good care of yourself."

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Conclusion

"Grand Theft Rickshaw" is a compelling episode that seamlessly blends humor with heartfelt storytelling. Rusty Irani's unwavering positivity and innovative spirit shine through, offering listeners both laughter and inspiration. Conan O’Brien effectively fosters a genuine connection, embodying the podcast's mission to cultivate real and lasting friendships through meaningful conversations.

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Notable Quotes:

• [06:00] Conan O'Brien: "Rusty, first of all, I just love that clearly you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such a fantastic outlook. You're so funny."

• [18:43] Rusty Irani: "There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA and replaced the cars with rickshaws."

• [25:03] Rusty Irani: "Since 1993, when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time."

• [26:31] Conan O’Brien: "So Rusty, I hope to meet you in person one day, but until then, same here. Be well. Take good care of yourself."

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This episode not only highlights Rusty's resilience and creativity but also underscores the importance of authentic connections, aligning perfectly with the essence of Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend.

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sona Movsesian]

Okay, I was confused.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, I feel like you did mean to offend me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes. You wouldn't be here if I had had Robert Half. Visit robert half.com today. Man, holidays coming up gets pretty intense, doesn't it?

[Sona Movsesian]

It does.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Rusty Irani]

Google LLC.

[Sona Movsesian]

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamco.com call Conan. Okay, let's get started.

[Rusty Irani]

Hello?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, hi, Rusty.

[Matt Gourley]

I'd like to apologize.

[Rusty Irani]

King Coco the Red.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Rusty Irani]

Podcast. Podcast Plunderer.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you.

[Rusty Irani]

Freckle fiend. Unholy puppet of the gods of mischief and mayhem.

[Conan O'Brien]

What the hell is going on?

[Rusty Irani]

Lady Mosesian of Pasadena, Mother of coyotes.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love this intro. Thank you very much.

[Rusty Irani]

Barely the vice ass. Hello, assorted minions and henchmen. And Aaron the nerd. What's up?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God. Who? I have to know. Who are you? Who are you? Identify yourself, sir, immediately.

[Rusty Irani]

I am Sir Rusty Rustam Irani from Mumbai, India.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God. Your name is Rusty and you live in Mumbai, India?

[Rusty Irani]

Absolutely.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't think I would have guessed that. But I wouldn't have guessed anything. Nothing you said after that intro would.

[Rusty Irani]

Make Sense to me, from one cartoon character come to life to another, I would expect.

[Conan O'Brien]

Rusty, I love you already. I really do. You seem like an amazing person. What a. What a burst of energy and joy from Rusty. Rusty, tell us a little bit.

[Rusty Irani]

And it's only 1:30am at night, you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Know, Sorry about that.

[Rusty Irani]

You're not even caffeinated yet. I'm not even caffeinated.

[Conan O'Brien]

So, yeah, if I don't want to see you on caffeine, if this is you without caffeine. Okay, let me slow it down here for a second. Your name is Russia Rusty Irani, and you are from Mumbai, India. That's where you're talking to us from. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Rusty.

[Rusty Irani]

Well, I'm from Mumbai, India. I have. I'm born and brought up in India. The accent is a result of me having traveled to the US since I was 13 to find the cure for the disease that I suffer from. So I'm on a wheelchair. I've been on a wheelchair all my life. I suffer from this progressive neurological condition called spinal muscular atrophy. It's SMA for short. It's got the world's most expensive drug right now, which I won't ever have access to because, you know, it's. I don't fall under the compassionate user program. So it's a progressive disorder where my body doesn't make this protein that, like, helps my nerves to, you know, create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow. So hence the atrophi bit. And. Yeah. And what is a kid?

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I ask you quickly? So you have this. You have this ailment.

[Rusty Irani]

Progressive neurological disorder, disease.

[Conan O'Brien]

And. And are you. How do you get.

[Rusty Irani]

I could walk as a child, and then I met with a bike accident at the age of nine. Go figure. Like, you know, so, yeah, met with a bike accident. And I've been on a wheelchair for the last 35 years.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Rusty Irani]

And I've like. I've driven different wheelchairs, like, since then. And I went to school here in Mumbai. And then I went. Went and studied English from a college here in Mumbai. I majored in English, got my first degree in English. And then I had this bug up my ass because I loved films. And during the whole period of my convalescence as a kid, my mom opened the whole world of cinema and books. And because I could not speak as legibly and as articulately right now as I'm speaking with you guys here, I used to only speak with the head nod and like, speaking like this guy like All. Every typical Indian. How we usually tend to talk. And so my mom opened like the whole world of books to me and like cinema. And cinema that is not meant for like a nine year old. Like, you know, I was exposed to like all the Arnold Schwarzenegger stuff and all the Sylvester Stallone stuff because that's.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, that stuff isn't meant for adults either. I'll be honest with you, Rusty.

[Rusty Irani]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what, I'm very impressed though.

[Rusty Irani]

Because I thought like all Americans spoke like Arnie.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, exactly. So you're walking around Mumbai as a kid.

[Rusty Irani]

Welcome to Mumbai.

[Conan O'Brien]

Um, so.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

Rusty, first of all, I, I just love that clearly you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such.

[Rusty Irani]

No pun intended. Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, but you, you have such a fantastic. I don't know, you have such a fantastic outlook. You're so funny. You're.

[Rusty Irani]

I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on like reality television with like an inspiration porn story. Like, I'm like, I don't even have like those kind of stories. Like, it's all my life. It's all about these wacadu incidents that been happening with me. Like, you know, it's like one crazy adventure after another and like I can't see myself sitting at home and like, you know, moping about this shit. But I'd rather like, you know, joke about it and like, you know, crack a smile and like go on with life because it's hilarious to me. Like, you know, I don't know how some disabled folk can like, you know, just make some kind of inspiration porn story out of their life and. Yeah, self entitled pricks. But like, you know, me, I'm like different. So I like, you know, like just putting myself out there. Yeah, yeah, you can laugh like, you know, I'm allowed to make these jokes, so.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sure.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I mean, you have an amazing spirit and an amazing attitude, Rusty. And tell me, what's it like?

[Rusty Irani]

Thank you, sir Conan.

[Conan O'Brien]

What is it like to be someone who's in a wheelchair in Mumbai? What's that experience like?

[Rusty Irani]

Well, first of all, they all think like I'm some kind of a. Like you've been to Thailand, right? I mean, I saw the episode that we. So you remember all those tuk tuks in Thailand? The small little rickshaw scooters? Bombay is full of those. So every rickshaw guy thinks I'm like some new competition in town. For the moment I step out of my home. Either, either. And I'm a big guy. I'm like Almost, like, you know, 56 inches across, and I'm, like, 6 foot 2. So I'm on this chair, and everybody thinks I'm just out for a ride. The seriously creepy part about my disease is I don't look disabled. Like, you know, when I speak like this and when I'm, like, sitting with you guys here, you would not even realize, like, you know, I'm like, no, I can hardly function in terms of, like, my motor skills and my ability to, like, you know, even transfer myself. But when I'm out there, like, from the local transportation buses to, like, guys on, like, the cows and the dogs, everybody, like, chases me. I have. Someone's trying to run me off the road. It's mayhem. And Mumbai roads and Mumbai infrastructure is not even meant for, like, regular pedestrians.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let me tell you that. So. So they're not. Because, you know, in the United States, there. There's a lot of rules and regulation, as you know, because you visited here about wheelchair. Yeah, wheelchair access and making sure that people that use wheelchairs.

[Rusty Irani]

I'm sure you guys also know about this because if you've seen the documentary from Crip camp, like, you know. You know, the kind of struggle the disabled guys in the US had to go through to get the kind of facilities that he got that. Exactly. It was like, such a. Like, they actually went and, like, you know, took over the town hall in San Francisco. You know, I wish I could do that, but nobody here would, like, even come to support me. First of all, I would not even be able to make it to the town hall here. So, like, you know, that would be, like, a challenge.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right, Right. Well, it doesn't sound like it would be much good anyway to go to the town hall. It doesn't sound like it'd be receptive.

[Rusty Irani]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

So what if I were to come to Mumbai and you and I were to hang out together? What would you want to do with me? What would you. What would we do together?

[Rusty Irani]

The first thing I do is put you on a wheelchair, like, you know, without causing you any bodily harm. And, like, you know, we just. I mean, this big guy on a wheelchair and this other tall freak on the wheelchair, like, you know, easy there, buddy.

[Conan O'Brien]

Easy.

[Rusty Irani]

I mean, have you seen the attitude of the Indians towards, like, any person with, like, pale skin? Like, you know, you would be, like, the star attraction here. Like, you know, like, I could pay. I could get money from people to just have you on the streets, like, going over ranch like Evil Knievel.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, this isn't a circus, Rusty.

[Matt Gourley]

Sounds pretty Good.

[Conan O'Brien]

You can't just say behold the Conan.

[Rusty Irani]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time I try to get into my vehicle, I have like an audience of 15 to 20 people. Like, you know, if I had charged them, I could have earned enough to like, you know, pay for some medicine for my disease. Like, you know, that's the first thing I would do. And the other thing I wanted to do is like, you know, I want to get all this pent up energy and all this pop culture like crap that's full of my like, experiences and all in my. I want to start my own YouTube channel. Like, I've already, I've already trademarked a name called Wheelie Vision.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wheelie Vision.

[Rusty Irani]

I don't think television, yeah, it's, it's channeled by the disabled, for the disabled. And it's got nothing to do with like side stories. It's all about one day dedicated to like, you know, doing actual wheelchair reviews. Like you would do like a car, car review talk show.

[Conan O'Brien]

This sounds like a fun, cool channel. And it sounds like you also nursing.

[Rusty Irani]

For a long time.

[Conan O'Brien]

It sounds like you would want to do a lot of comedy too.

[Rusty Irani]

Oh, I, I mean from everything from like a key and peel. Kind of like a skit comedy show with no holes barred. Like, you know, like, like do blind guys having sex using dotted condoms where like the condoms are in braille so you get to learn new things as you're having sex.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, I'm writing these ideas down. Blind guys using condoms with Braille. This is.

[Rusty Irani]

And then like, you know, somebody with like a, like a sign language interpreter going with a deaf guy for a singing competition. And the interpreter does the singing, but the guy who's actually deaf and mute gets to win the prize. Because you.

[Conan O'Brien]

You'Re just sitting around thinking of this stuff.

[Rusty Irani]

I think about, I wake up at night thinking, what if it's the next zombie apocalypse and I'm on a wheelchair and I turn into a zombie, I won't be able to operate my wheelchair. Like, you know, I mean, I think about these things. I think about going to a bar and like, you know, going way over the limit. And I don't have a designated driver for my wheelchair. Like, you know, how does that work?

[Conan O'Brien]

Like, you know, so you're suggesting, and.

[Rusty Irani]

To be honest, like, you know, I go to like a pharmacy in the US Here. It's all over the counter, prescription. I go to pharmacy in the US the first thing they hand me is like a pill, like a bottle full of pills. And it says, don't operate Heavy machinery. I'm always operating heavy machinery. Like, you know, what are you supposed to, you know, it's shit like that. Like, you know, it's funny. It's, it's. I, I want people to laugh at the disabled and not in a bad way. You know, it's, it's, it gets paralyzed.

[Conan O'Brien]

You want them to laugh with the disabled?

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sona, when you take a big trip with the family, and I know that you love to, and your kids are getting old enough now where they like to travel, too.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah, that's true.

[Conan O'Brien]

Who looks after the house?

[Sona Movsesian]

That's the thing. Nobody. And so I've actually been toying with the idea of maybe, you know, putting my house up on Airbnb, making some extra cash, having someone there.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's like you're hosting people.

[Sona Movsesian]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's like you're getting paid to travel. You can use the money that you get from putting your house up on Airbnb to help finance your trip.

[Sona Movsesian]

Exactly. And you know what? There's people there that are looking after my relics.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have a lot of people don't know this, but Sona has a lot of ancient Greek relics. Etruscan relics.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yes, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have a lot of sculpture from the Assyrian empire. Sona has billions and billions of dollars worth of ancient, ancient artifacts that have never even been looked at by archeologists.

[Sona Movsesian]

They should all be in a museum.

[Conan O'Brien]

They really should be.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

But it's nice when you're, when you're away, your home could be an Airbnb. And that's something to keep in mind. Your home, AKA your future Airbnb might be worth more than you think. Find out how [e-mail] host there's nothing quite like the feeling of an upgrade when you're traveling. Well, as a T Mobile customer, you can take the perks with you. Check this out. Whether you're going on a weekend getaway to the mountains, or let's say you're on a dream vacation, or in my case, a work trip to Thailand. It's just fantastic. Let me explain. It starts the moment you take off with free in flight wifi so you can stream your favorite show on the go. I mean, that's incredible.

[Sona Movsesian]

That is actually pretty sweet.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love that. I mean, that's insane. I'm always there with my credit card. You know, I can't figure it out. I lose the credit card, the phone is stolen, someone punches me, you start crying. I cry a lot. When you land, T Mobile's got you covered with 15% off all Hilton brands and an upgrade to Hilton Honors Silver. Plus you're covered with 5 gigabytes. 5 gigabytes. That's more than 4 of high speed data in over 215 countries and destinations with the Go 5G or next plans. These are just a few of the perks that feel like big wins when you travel with T Mobile. And it's nice to stay connected to your family. I travel a lot. I do these travel shows and if I'm filming another country, I know I can get to my family right away. They usually don't want to speak to me, but they screen your calls a lot, don't they? I suspect them of screening, yes. Find out how you can experience Travel [e-mail] Travel today. Qualifying plan required. WiFi where available on select US airlines. Registration and Hilton Honors membership required for Hilton Honors Silver. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, do you like to spend more than you need to on a haircut? I know it sounds like I'm coming on kind of hard here, but Supercuts isn't judging you and I'm not judging you.

[Sona Movsesian]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, many people do think the more they pay for a haircut, the better it's going to be. Yeah. Now look, that's true to a degree, okay? If you pay, like if someone says, hey, I'll cut your hair for a dollar. Yeah. First of all, what kind of voice is that? Why is the guy talking that way? My mother used to just use the Sears and Roebuck hair cutting kit and like put a bowl on my head and go, just cut it straight across. Everyone could tell it looked like a Lego man that was dipped in some red paint. But anyway, I'm off track here. At a certain point, you're paying to feel better, not look better. And if that's you, Super Cuts is here to help with their Real dumb coupon. Real dumb coupon adds $50 to the price of any Supercuts haircut. That's all it does. Same great haircut, just $50 more expensive. Making you feel like you really paid for the quality you already got.

[Sona Movsesian]

What?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, it's a little bit of a brain teaser. You want to pay more than you need for a haircut. Now you can do it at Supercuts. Real Dumb Coupons available at realdomcoupon.com or just walk into any Super Cuts. No appointment needed. They'll honor the real Dumb coupon even if you don't have one. Super Cuts would hate for you to miss out on a quality haircut simply because it doesn't cost enough for you.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

This message is brought to you by Better Help. Just going to take a second. Give a shout out to the some of the people. I'm going to say two people in my life who help me out a lot because they, they listen to me. My wife, Liza. Amazing. And you, Sona, you listen to me when I'm low.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You make fun of me a little bit, but then when you see that I'm really low, you talk to me because you've known me a long time.

[Sona Movsesian]

That's true.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, this month is all about gratitude and along with thanking the people say I've mentioned, it can be someone, a friend, it can be family. In my case, it's both. There's another person we don't get to thank enough and that's ourselves. Okay. It's something hard to remind ourselves that we're trying our best to make sense of everything in this crazy world. It's not easy. Be nice to yourself. If you're thinking of starting therapy, I think you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and then you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. That's huge. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.comconan today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.comconan I'm curious, you said that you're, you spend a lot of time, you obviously you're very well versed in cinema. What about video games? Do you like video games?

[Rusty Irani]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up on video games. Like, you know, like I said, if you are like on a wheelchair, there's not a lot of outdoorsies stuff that you can do though. I like, gave it a shot. But yeah, video games like were introduced to me at a very young age from the old Atari system playing Pong with that big joystick thingy, you know, then moving on to like knockoffs. We didn't get like American game consoles.

[Conan O'Brien]

They have, they have rip offs of popular video games in India.

[Rusty Irani]

They still proliferate the markets here in Mumbai. Like you get rip offs of every known console ever. But they've got these funny Chinese names like the Nintendo NES used to be called the Samurai system. Like, you know, for some reason.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do they have a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto?

[Rusty Irani]

There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the Old versions of gta, Grand Theft Auto. And they've taken all the tanned players from like the non NPC characters, the non playing characters who are all having tans, and they're put into the Indian version of the game. So every tanned NPC player has made it into the Indian version of gta.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think they just pulled this up.

[Matt Gourley]

We've got a clip here.

[Conan O'Brien]

We just. Eduardo. Eduardo is very fast. Eduardo was just able to find a clip. This is. This is the Indian version of Indian version of Grand Theft Auto.

[Rusty Irani]

And you see what I mean? There you go.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God.

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh.

[Rusty Irani]

What?

[Conan O'Brien]

What?

[Matt Gourley]

Mario's in there.

[Conan O'Brien]

Mario's in there. They just.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, Multiple Mario.

[Sona Movsesian]

Multiple.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening.

[Rusty Irani]

That was insane to give them due credit. It's still in the prototype stage, so it's still a pilot project.

[Conan O'Brien]

I hope that's the prototype.

[Sona Movsesian]

I've got some notes.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have notes?

[Rusty Irani]

Not me.

[Matt Gourley]

That was perfect.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah, yeah, I got a.

[Conan O'Brien]

And so there. It's all. It mostly involves rickshaws.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Grand Theft Auto doesn't involve cars. It involves rickshaws.

[Rusty Irani]

They haven't progressed beyond rickshaws yet. So. Yeah, that's.

[Matt Gourley]

But it's still called Grand Theft Auto.

[Rusty Irani]

No, no, no, it's. It's got some Indian name. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's a working title. They still haven't figured out what to call it yet.

[Conan O'Brien]

So you say you live with your mother and your father. Tell me, what's. What's your relationship like with your dad?

[Rusty Irani]

They. They are my. My caregivers, my best friends. Like, you know, the. Yeah, I'm like on first name basis with them in that sense. Like, you know, they know everything about me and I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow, sounds like you. That's so cool that you know.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah. They don't throw potatoes at me. Like, you know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, all right. This is now world famous that my parents were. Threw potatoes at each other.

[Rusty Irani]

Yep. No, but like, my dad has. Like, he's never given hope. He's now 72 and he always thinks there's a cure right around the corner. And my dad is also my biggest wingman slash cock blocker. Like, you know, like every.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, how is he a wingman slash cock blocker?

[Rusty Irani]

I will tell you, Mr. Conan, my father thinks that every woman I meet is an ideal mate for me. Like, you know, like, he couldn't do better than this. Like, you know, this is the one for him. And so the moment I strike a conversation again, I'll give you a movie reference. You've seen the Seventh Seal with the God of death playing chess with that night, Right? The German surrealist film. Matt, you know about this, right?

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah, the Ian Bergman film.

[Rusty Irani]

My dad suddenly randomly pops out of nowhere while I'm having a convers position. I'm, like, using my best lines on a woman at a bar, like, asking her to turn me on and play with my joystick. Like, you know, and using, like.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, yeah, that's a great line, Rusty. I can't believe your dad stepped in and ruined it. I don't think.

[Rusty Irani]

So.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're telling a woman at a bar, play with my joystick, and then you're mad that you're dead. I it up.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah. I mean, can you think of a better line for somebody on a wheelchair who's already, like, had, like, a few too many and, like, meets a very attractive woman who, like, has shown some promise to us towards him?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Rusty Irani]

And my dad comes up and then he rattles off, like, all the assets I own and that. How I could live independently and I make a pretty decent living. And then I would make a great husband and I would. I'm absolutely capable of getting erections and, like, you know, giving her as many kids as she wants.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, first of all, this is nothing my dad didn't say to my d. He was constantly stepping into the room and saying, he can become erect. It has happened. And then he would go back, he would retreat, and the door would shut. It was like a little cuckoo clock. But he just float back. Yeah, he'd float back. Erections are possible with the boy. And then that was the cuckoo of.

[Matt Gourley]

You get an erection twice a day when the clock strikes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Wow. What? Sounds like we have similar fathers. They were built to embarrass us because, I mean, I wasn't. I. Obviously, I was not in a wheelchair, but I had my own struggles, and my father was always coming in at just the worst time and saying the worst thing.

[Rusty Irani]

Absolutely. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I think.

[Rusty Irani]

Were you playing with your joystick when that happened?

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, Rusty, please. I was raised Catholic, and we don't masturbate.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah. Let me see your palms. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Rusty, Rusty, Rusty. I don't know what to do with you, Rusty. I really don't. I think. But you know what? I have to say you've been dealt a difficult hand, to say the least. But good Lord said that again. You have made. You've just. You've made this such a joyous experience. You're really funny. You have a great sense of humor. It sounds like you're having a good time, and I applaud you. I really do. I think you're a really impressive person, and it's very cool to know you. It really is.

[Rusty Irani]

It has been cool to know you for the last 30 years.

[Conan O'Brien]

And if I can. If I can get to. If I can get to Mumbai, I would happily ride around in a wheelchair with you side by side.

[Rusty Irani]

And if I can, like, you know, make a few Americans cripple and, like, bring them along on wheelchairs, that would help with my other startup as well. Like, you know, I'm starting a startup called includerip.com it's like a travel startup for people with disabilities to come and visit India. I want to, like, show the world.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's a very cool idea.

[Matt Gourley]

And also sounds like he could use a new wingman.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes. Oh, and by the way.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm not a great wingman, Rusty. I'm not a great wingman, but I'm a lot better than your father. Okay. Yeah, I'm not going to.

[Rusty Irani]

I'll take your word for it when you're around here, so.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, I can prove it. Well, Rusty, it's so cool to talk to you and such a pleasure. Yeah. Such a pleasure to talk to you.

[Rusty Irani]

My day, my year, my decade. Since 1993, when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time.

[Conan O'Brien]

I always show up in porn. I don't know why, but I got more fans who thought they were finding porn. They said more people typed in than what they did. I guess they just typed in, I want to see a dick, and then I popped up.

[Rusty Irani]

No, no, no, no. It wasn't like that. The first guy I saw was the late, great Joel Goddard with, like, a young Kore by his side.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God. He was. Wait a minute. I think Joel Goddard's still alive. Yeah, Joel Goddard's still alive.

[Sona Movsesian]

I think he is.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's not get it out there that he's dead, because they might try and bury him.

[Rusty Irani]

The great, great Joel Goddard there. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, he's still. He's still alive. The first Godfather.

[Rusty Irani]

Preparation Edge by Preparation Edge, Raymond and.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God, super fan. Hey, Rusty.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm so glad that you found me. You were searching for porn, but you found Conan O'Brien, and that's the best way to find me. And thrilled to have such a funny, creative, cool person be a fan. Plague is all mine.

[Rusty Irani]

Conan. Plague is all mine.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, Well, I hope we.

[Rusty Irani]

And you guys are awesome, too. Sona, Matt, Aaron, all you guys, like, you know, like, you made it worth, like pushing through the pandemic.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you.

[Rusty Irani]

You made it worth my while. And like, you know. Yeah, I mean, I just put in this like, you know, everybody like asked me, even during the pre checks, like, you know, how many times did you apply? I said I just did it the once and if it was meant to be, it was meant to be.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow.

[Rusty Irani]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's so cool.

[Rusty Irani]

It was meant to be.

[Conan O'Brien]

So rusty. I hope to meet you in person one day, but until then, same here. Be well. Tell your father to knock it off and take good care of yourself.

[Rusty Irani]

Long days, pleasant night, folks. It was wonderful talking to all of you. Take care. Have a lovely, lovely, lovely day. All right, take care. Bye bye.

[Matt Gourley]

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross and Nick Leo Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away Jimmy Supervising producer Aaron Blaird Associate talent produced Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berm Engineering by eduardo Perez get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign [e-mail] Conan please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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