Jesse Eisenberg Returns

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Jesse Eisenberg Returns"

Introduction and Holiday Reflections (00:03 - 02:13)

The episode opens with a brief advertisement segment featuring Conan endorsing FedEx One Rate for small businesses. Shortly after, Jesse Eisenberg joins Conan on the show, accompanied by regular co-hosts Sona Mofsesi and Matt Gourley. The atmosphere is festive as the group embraces the holiday season.

Holiday Traditions and Sentimentality (02:13 - 07:05)

Conan initiates a conversation about Christmas traditions with Matt, Sona, and Jesse. Matt expresses his love for Christmas, leading to a humorous exchange about holiday decorations. Conan shares a sentimental story about receiving a "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" Christmas ornament from Zach Braff, highlighting his genuine appreciation for meaningful gestures.

Notable Quote:

• Conan (05:41): "I don't want to be that house."

Discussion on Seasonality and Tinsel (07:05 - 10:34)

The hosts delve into the topic of holiday decorations, specifically tinsel on Christmas trees. Sona humorously declares her disdain for tinsel, while Conan shares his preference for a non-tinsel adorned tree, comparing tinsel to "shredded aluminum." The conversation lightens with playful banter about pranking dogs with fake bows made of tinsel.

Notable Quote:

• Conan (06:25): "I agree. And also, pets often eat it and you find it later."

Transition to Main Content: Jesse Eisenberg's Appearance (10:34 - 19:36)

After the holiday chatter, Conan formally introduces Jesse Eisenberg, lauding his talents and expressing admiration for Eisenberg's career, particularly his role in "The Squid and the Whale." Jesse reciprocates the praise, sharing a heartfelt anecdote about how he and his mother watched Conan's show together, despite his father's disapproval.

Notable Quote:

• Jesse (12:32): "I grew up, like, obsessed with you to the point where my mom would sneak out after my dad fell asleep to watch your show with me."

Exploring Anxiety and Personal Struggles (19:36 - 26:14)

The conversation shifts to personal struggles with anxiety. Conan and Jesse discuss their respective experiences with anxiety and therapy, highlighting their challenges in seeking help and the impact it has had on their lives and careers. They reflect on how performing and creative outlets have served as coping mechanisms.

Notable Quote:

• Conan (14:58): "There are people who do excellent work and are not good people, and I do believe in separating the two."

Jesse Eisenberg's New Film: "A Real Pain" (26:14 - 43:59)

Conan and Jesse delve into Jesse's latest project, "A Real Pain," where Jesse not only stars but also writes and directs. They discuss the film's themes, which revolve around two cousins embarking on a meaningful trip to Poland to explore their family's history and reconcile with past traumas. Conan praises the film's balance of dark and meaningful subtext with humor and authenticity, commending the chemistry between Jesse and co-star Kieran Culkin.

Notable Quotes:

• Conan (35:37): "It's a really lovely movie and like a tone poem. It's a travel story and... it's one of those films where I watched it and I just thought, okay, I have this making me feel all kinds of stuff in a very good way."
• Jesse (38:35): "I had this great dynamic... and I just inserted them in these kind of, you know, fictionalized ways."

Conan's Personal Journey and Immigration Reflections (44:00 - 54:15)

The discussion deepens as Conan shares his personal connection to immigration and his family's history, paralleling Jesse's own journey in "A Real Pain." Both reflect on their ancestors' migrations, the challenges faced, and the emotional weight of reconnecting with their roots. They explore the complexities of visiting sites of historical trauma and the unexpected emotional responses that arise from such experiences.

Notable Quote:

• Conan (53:00): "We're all immigrants. We're all immigrants... and we're all curious about where we came from."

Entitlement and Authenticity in Hollywood (54:15 - 65:13)

Conan and Jesse discuss the concept of manufactured eccentricity versus genuine authenticity in the entertainment industry. They critique how some celebrities intentionally appear difficult or demanding to create a sense of importance, contrasting this with authentic individuals like Woody Harrelson, whom Conan describes as a "truly eccentric artist masquerading as an everyman."

Notable Quote:

• Conan (32:40): "Purposely manufactured difficulty because it almost creates a sense of importance sometimes. I think when someone's being very difficult... they don't feel authentic enough."

Humorous Interlude: Fan Fiction and Podcast Antics (65:13 - 73:27)

The conversation takes a comedic turn as the hosts explore erotic fan fiction centered around Conan. Sona shares instances of explicit fan creations, leading to playful frustration from Conan as Matt attempts to read aloud some humorous and risqué fanfic excerpts. This segment showcases the lighthearted and improvisational nature of the podcast.

Notable Quote:

• Sona (67:42): "The website is called archiveofourone.org... he's got a lot of Conan-specific fanfiction."
• Conan (71:07): "This is terrible. Stop it."

Closing Remarks and Final Banter (73:27 - End)

As the episode wraps up, Conan acknowledges Jesse's new film and expresses pride in their friendship. Sona shares updates about her involvement in the Pasadena Armenian Festival, highlighting the show's role in unifying diverse audiences. The hosts engage in final humorous exchanges, maintaining the show's signature blend of heartfelt conversation and comedy.

Notable Quote:

• Conan (57:12): "I'm proud to know you... you have a lot of character, and I know you're tough on yourself, and you're a real human being."

Conclusion

"Jesse Eisenberg Returns" is a poignant and entertaining episode that navigates personal histories, creative endeavors, and the complexities of forming genuine friendships in the celebrity sphere. Through heartfelt dialogue and comedic interludes, Conan and Jesse offer listeners an intimate glimpse into their lives, their struggles with anxiety, and the collaborative spirit that underpins their enduring friendship.

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, FedEx doesn't know your small business yet. Okay. But what FedEx does know is that running a small business is hard enough without the hassle of complex shipping. That's where there's FedEx One Rate. Did you know that with FedEx One Rate, you can ship your holiday packages cheaper than the post office?

[Sona Mofsesi]

What?

[Conan O'Brien]

I hate to root against old Uncle Sam, but go, FedEx, go. You can send packages as low as $14.50 for small boxes.

[Sona Mofsesi]

That's cool.

[Conan O'Brien]

Visit fedex.comnerate for details. Exclusions apply. Valid 10, 6, 24 through 1 19, 25. FedEx one rate. Two day retail shipping, one flat rate. Man, holidays coming up gets pretty intense, doesn't it?

[Sona Mofsesi]

It does.

[Conan O'Brien]

Very intense. During the holiday season, it feels like you're packing a lot into every second. Everything gets compressed, pressure.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It's stressful.

[Conan O'Brien]

So much to do. That's why ADT spends all their seconds helping protect all of yours while you're out. The ADT plus app gives you complete control over who has access to your home. With the Google Nest doorbell from adt, you can know for sure if that's Santa or Aunt Mildred at the front door. See, I'd be suspicious because I don't have an Aunt Mildred. It's Aunt Mildred. Thief. ADT has the largest Number of companies owned 247 monitoring centers in the industry. When every second Counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today or call 1-800-ADT ASAP. Google and Google Nest Doorbell are trademarks of Google LLC.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Hi, my name is Jesse Eisenberg and I feel unconflicted, maybe for the first time in my life about something, but in this case, about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's so sweet.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Y.

[Matt Gourley]

Hear the l Back to school ring the bell Brand new shoes Walk.

[Conan O'Brien]

And lose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Gonna be friends.

[Conan O'Brien]

I can tell that we are gonna be friends hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Sona is giggling away uncontrollably. I don't know what's happening. Sona Mofsesi and I see, of course, Matt Gourley. The whole gang's here and feeling the holiday vibe. Are you feeling it?

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, I love Christmas.

[Conan O'Brien]

You do?

[Matt Gourley]

I truly do.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're a Christmas guy.

[Matt Gourley]

I am, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you. I'm guessing, do you go all out with the traditional stuff? Do you have lots of stuff you put out little holiday trinkets?

[Matt Gourley]

I think so, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean? I think? Are you okay?

[Matt Gourley]

I'm afraid to admit it to you. I'm afraid to what you will tear into.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm a sentimental old SAP about Christmas. I really am. Yeah. Are you, Sona.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean, you have our. First of all. I know you celebrate it a little later on.

[Sona Mofsesi]

No, no, we celebrate American Christmas, too, but we, you know, we have a. Which you guys got mad at me for when we were doing summer s'mores. And then we, like, put a few things on. But we're not like the house people stop at when they're driving down the block and be like, oh, my God, look at this.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't want to be that house.

[Sona Mofsesi]

You don't?

[Conan O'Brien]

No. The house that has. Oh, they have a thing now. I saw an ad where they project. You can put little projectors that project, like, candy canes, snowflakes and snowflakes and little Santas and reindeer, and they crisscross your entire house. And I think I would go insane. What if I was in my house and that was being projected and coming in through the window? I think I'd lose my mind.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I don't know.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you step outside to go get the paper, and these lasers are firing candy canes into your eyes.

[Matt Gourley]

You get your paper in the nighttime?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I get it delivered at night when I want. When there's bad news, I want to hear it right away.

[Sona Mofsesi]

The little guy, the paper boy, comes back at night for your house.

[Conan O'Brien]

I pay him a little extra to come by at night.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It makes me feel.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't want to read news in the morning. I want to read it at night. And it's the only way to get it through the newspaper, I'm told. Hi. I don't know much about the Internet, but anyway, I don't. I don't. That looks like way too much to have something projected on the house. But I have a brother who's a fully adult man. He goes all out on Christmas on the inside of his house. And I think that's really sweet. I love that. I'm all for people going for it. You know what's funny? Every now and then, someone gives me an ornament. I put it on the tree, and then kind of forget about it, and then it just shows up because it all goes into a box, and then it goes back on the tree the next year. And a couple of years ago, Zach Braff was here, and he gave me an ornament. It's him and Donald Faison hugging each other. And I remember just coming home and, like, it was in my pocket and I'm like, what's this ornament? And the tree was up and I went, oh, okay. And I just put it on the tree. Like three years go by and I, the other day I passed my tree and I'm like, what the fuck? Why is Zach Braff and Donald Faison hugging each other on my tree?

[Sona Mofsesi]

I want that ornament.

[Matt Gourley]

Is there any Conan ornaments?

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you ever make an ornament? There was a, you know, it is actually a sentimental memory, but our first season, we premiered September 13, 1993, when I was a 30 year old kid and the reviews were pretty much, this won't last. And there was a Late night with Conan O'Brien Christmas ornament that someone made and gave to me. And I remember to hang it on the tree in Christmas of 93 and kind of thinking, well, at least I got this. No, seriously. And then all these years later, I look at it and I'm like, you showed them little ornament. You know, it's this nice little feeling.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I want to break that ornament.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know you do. I need to smash it when I.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Go to your house. I'm just going to break it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Throw the Zach Braff Donald Phazon ornament at it. Smashing it. But yeah. So, I mean, I get sentimental. I'm. I pretend I work really hard at not being sentimental, but I'm very sentimental.

[Matt Gourley]

You like to play the scrooge and.

[Conan O'Brien]

I like to try to. But then I'm a, I'm a total mush about Christmas time.

[Matt Gourley]

Here's the big divisive thing. Where do you guys fall on tinsel on a Christmas tree?

[Sona Mofsesi]

Tinsel can go fuck itself.

[Matt Gourley]

You know, I've chosen a side.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I'm.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I have a bit of an opinion.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm not a tinsel person. Growing up, there'd be some tinsel on our family tree, but I've never wanted it on our tree. It just looks like shredded aluminum to me. I agree.

[Matt Gourley]

And also, pets often eat it and you find it later.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Ew.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, but it looks like someone left you a beautiful present of shit. I try to get my dog to eat a bow, a red bow, so that later I can put it under the tree, say, look what I got you, honey. It's a shit bow.

[Sona Mofsesi]

What?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. The really hard part is getting the dog to swallow a cart that says, ha ha, this is shit. But if you can get it to swallow a bow and a card and the dog and it all stays kind of together.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Ew.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's fantastic. It's such a good prank. Yeah. Anyway, happy holidays. Aren't you glad you. You listen.

[Matt Gourley]

Hey, Merry Christmas. You too.

[Conan O'Brien]

Merry Christmas.

[Sona Mofsesi]

You too.

[Conan O'Brien]

And Happy holidays. Well, that's taken all inclusive. Oh, well, just everyone. I just want everyone to have a good holiday, be they Christian, be they not.

[Matt Gourley]

Did you want to give us like Christmas bonuses in cash right now or anything?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I could. Venmo you.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And Sona will probably tell you, I know exactly how to Venmo people. That's the hardest I've seen Sona laugh in a while. Says the guy who. Says the guy who calls his wife when she's in New York and I'm in LA and goes, come, can you Uber? Eats me some of the chicken salad. I got better. But there was a while there where I was petrified. I'm sorry. It was new technology for a very old man.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

And she. Or she'd be in Seattle visiting her parents, and I'd be like, I really like that turkey burger they make. And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you just get it. It's, you know. You know, it's on. What is it called? Chomp dot net. That's right.

[Sona Mofsesi]

What?

[Matt Gourley]

Chomp dot net.

[Conan O'Brien]

That'S right.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Chomp dot net.

[Conan O'Brien]

Throw a couple my way and I'll tell you which one.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Grubhub. Jordache.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep. Postmates. Okay, Postmates. There it is. I'd say, hey, honey, I like that turkey burger. And she'd be like, well, I'm in Thailand right now in a meeting. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, and I'm asleep. Yeah, yeah, I like that turkey burger. Can you get it on chompchomp.gov and she'd say, do you mean postmates? And I go, yeah, just send it over to the house. The turkey burger, no barbecue sauce.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

I will say for anyone listening who thinks that Conan is joking, I remember.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Teaching you how to right click back at late night.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you were like, oh, that button does something else. Yes. Yeah, I remember. It's true. You were young. A young fellow. That's right. This is back when I had a steam powered computer. We had to wait for it to heat up to work. That's right. You also used to make me say, permission to come aboard before I could go into your office, even though your desk was literally like a foot and a half from the door and I could put something on it. I had to say, permission to come aboard. And you would say, permission denied. That I'd have To walk away. You have a piece of paper and you go, like, I got those research notes. And I'd say, what? And you'd say, permission to come aboard? And I'd go, permission denied. Walk away now. I think that's quality leadership anyway. Shit Bow. That's the way to go this Christmas. Get your dog to eat a bow and then give that to someone as a present. Shit bow. Coming soon to a theater near you. Theater. No, it's not a movie. I've lost my mind. Merry Christmas.

[Sona Mofsesi]

You put that up and then you put it up again as a double wrap.

[Conan O'Brien]

This.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah.

[Matt Gourley]

What we call in the podcast industry. A double wrap.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. You just slid the wrap at me. Another. It's a rap sign that you slid to me a second time, and I just keep ignoring it. That's what I'd do. If I was a teller and someone slid a piece of paper that said, this is a robbery. I'd say, yeah, had another thing. Shit Bow. And then they'd slide it again. This is the robbery. Triple rap, triple wrap that shit. Get your dog to eat some tinsel, and you've got some shiny shit. Look, we got families we got to get home to for Christmas, and I'm trying to rob a bank. Happy holidays, everyone. Christmas or whatever.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, you guys, let's get serious. Shit. You just observe.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Shit Bow.

[Conan O'Brien]

Like, guys, quit screwing around. And so enough with the poo poo jokes. My guest today is an actor, director, author, and playwright who's probably left after that intro, who has starred in such movies as the Social Network and Zombieland. Now you can see him in his new movie, A Real Pain, which he also wrote and directed, and it's fantastic. I watched it, and I love it. I'm very excited he's here today. I'm a big fan of this gentleman. Jesse Eisenberg. Welcome. I'm going to quickly recap that I met you many, many, many years ago. You did the Squid and the Whale. I think it was the first time I met you.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You must have been. How old were you then?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I was 21.

[Conan O'Brien]

21 years old. I just adored you immediately, I think. And then I've mentioned this before, but several days later, one of the loveliest notes I've ever handwritten notes I've ever received showed up. I've mentioned this last time, and I thought, there's something different about this person. He's oozing with character and. And gentility in this kind of old world way. And then you've gone on and you've had this extraordinary career.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I'm just so happy for you.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Thank you so much.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I feel like, to pat myself on the back, I feel like I called it.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know this is about me.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I thought you were gonna say you did it, but you called it. Like you knew.

[Conan O'Brien]

This isn't about. This is what I'm really good at pretending it's about, you know, Jesse.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

But then it's about me. I called it.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That's right.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

I called it.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

And me, I'm just the hors.

[Conan O'Brien]

Bluebell came in first.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

But I will say, like, just to that point, I remember right after I was so. First of all, I grew up watching. Oh, maybe. Sorry. I grew up, like, obsessed. Obsessed. Obsessed with you to the point where, like, literally, my mom would sneak out after my dad fell asleep to go into my bedroom to watch your show with me. And so your dad's not a fan?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no. This is how my mind works. Why did he hate me?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Huh.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Well, my new worst enemy, Barry Eisenberg. Barry Eisenberg of East Brunswick, New Jersey. No, but, like.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you know what's even sicker? My immediate thought is he saw the real me.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's how I feel. But anyway.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yes. He's the only one that truly knows. But anyway, like, after we did the segment on your. On your show, you leaned over to me and you said, you seem like such a nice person. And I remember it was so odd, because that doesn't seem like one of the compliments you get in the entertainment industry.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right, right.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

It doesn't seem like one of the boxes you might check. You know, you're a nice person. That gets you nowhere.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, it does. I mean, it means a lot to me. And you've gone on and I'll mention this upfront and we'll talk. There's so much I want to talk about. And we're going to get to this film you made. You. I mean, let's tick it off. You wrote.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Directed. You co star in it with Kieran Culkin and this extraordinary cast.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You made this film, and it's absolutely beautiful.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Thank you so much.

[Conan O'Brien]

And it's got people ranting and raving in a good way.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've had people ranting and raving in not a good way. It's called A Real Pain, and we'll talk about that. But what was special for me was to watch this movie and see that, oh, you are a consummate artist. You've made this Beautiful thing with such aplomb. And it will endure. I always have this connection with you from that time that you sent me that note and I had that nice first meeting with you. And then here you are all these years later, and you're doing extraordinary work, and I'm just so happy for you.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That is so nice of you to say. Thank you so much. Do you ever root for mean people?

[Conan O'Brien]

So it's funny. Occasionally. Yeah, I. You know, Stalin did a lot of bad stuff, right? No, no, no. But I was. No, no, but I was. Sometimes I'd be like, come on, you can do it, Stalin. You can turn this around.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

And you were really young at the time.

[Conan O'Brien]

I was very. I'm older than people think.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

I was born in 1911. Do the math. No, I. I can separate. There are people who do excellent work and are not good people, and I do believe in separating the two.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You are a man who I think has real character, and you do exceptional work. I like it when the two come together, but they don't have to.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Got it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you know what I mean? Yes, of course. How many artists can you see whose work is hanging on the wall and you later learn? Or amazing athletes who were absolutely deplorable human beings? But I still applaud their athleticism, of course.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Perhaps even more so because you don't want them to hurt you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Exactly.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean, Stalin's been dead a long time, and I still talk him up.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think he could still get me.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Just in case.

[Conan O'Brien]

He could still get me. It's funny, we probably have a few things in common. I grew up with my share of anxiety and hated going to school. I didn't want to leave my house. But I still, to this day, can remember the carpool ride from my house on Kenard Road to the Michael Driscoll School. Every second thinking, okay, we're not there yet. Just filled with that kind of. Your mouth tastes like aluminum. You have so much anxiety. And I've later thought, well, I hate to say it, but it probably contributed some things to me.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I know that you've have this struggle, too.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've had many therapists and many people tell me, well, you didn't need that. You'd have been. And I don't trust them. It's like Dumbo's feather. I think I needed that. I don't know where you come down on all this.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

The exact same kind of confusion as you do and the exact same conversations with therapists as you've Had I. I always think, yeah, there was, like, maybe a parallel universe version of me that was kind of happy and is an accountant. And so. But, you know, the painful thing is, the thing that person told you is, no, you didn't need that. And that's even worse, you know, because then it was just for nothing.

[Conan O'Brien]

It was a waste of time.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I just feel like we got into jobs that no one was asking us ever to do. Like, no one wanted you to host a TV show. No one asked me to be hosted. They still retroactively trying to.

[Conan O'Brien]

Still people are trying to, like, can we delete that? 30 years of work. No. But more and more, I think I'm here out of a weird compulsion that I don't have a control over. And I think about you and your anxiety, and you are not the typical, hey, put that light on me.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Right, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

Because I'm ready to shine. See, I've got a song for you. But something pushed this young, anxious kid. I mean, I know that you were so anxious as a child getting on the bus to go to school. Yeah, yeah. You would cry.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That's right.

[Conan O'Brien]

And they had to kind of come up. Well, you tell me.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no, I would cry. Well, I cried every day when I got to school, but they didn't want me to cry on the bus. The bus driver did not want me to cry because I guess it was probably dangerous for me to be weeping in the back of a huge moving vehicle.

[Conan O'Brien]

But basically, I don't see why that's a danger. I'm trying to do the math, and I don't see how it affects the operation of the vehicle. Oh, no. It could. Yeah, I could see. Leap down into the transmission gun.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I would use her sleeve as a tissue. But basically. So, no. Right. So if. So she set up this system where if I didn't cry every day until Friday, on Friday, she would give out Tootsie Roll Pops to all the kids on the bus. If I didn't. If I made it through the week without crying on the bus. And so you would hear on Fridays from down the street, windows open on the bus, don't cry, Jesse. Don't cry, Jesse.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, no.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

But wait a minute.

[Sona Mofsesi]

This.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is so sick. It's not like the treat's just for you. It's everyone else, which is creating this group thing that's evil.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

It's the equivalent of if you don't do all the pushups, everybody in this room has to do 10 more.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's insane. And giving me Ideas. No, no, no, no. On how to run a podcast company. But. Oh, my God, that is wrong. Kind of ingenious.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all that stuff. Listen, that was her wound. And now she's an artist, too. That bus driver.

[Conan O'Brien]

And an amazing athlet.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Exactly. And that was her will to power. But, yeah, I was just. I was a miserable, miserable kid with good parents. I feel uncomfortable saying this in public because I don't want to, like, demonize my well meaning good parent and good parents. Yeah. I don't know. I was just, like, wired to be absolutely miserable. And, you know, performing for me was kind of like an outlet, but not like an outlet. Like, I feel myself here. It was more just an outlet to literally just get out of school. Like, if I got into a show, it meant I could leave early from school on various days and rehearse and be with adults, which was the only place at the time I felt, like, comfortable.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have this great quote when playing a role, I would feel more comfortable as you're given a prescribed way of behaving.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I thought that is. I understand someone's telling you.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

All the anxiety you might have, Jesse, about what am I supposed to say or do in this one particular situation. Right. But if you're in the Seagull. Yeah. You know, like, no, I'm supposed to enter and then I'm supposed to leave and shoot myself. Right, exactly. This is what I'm supposed to do.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

And there's a calm that might come with that.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, exactly. And not only a calm, but, like, catharsis, because the characters are emotional. And it's like the thing I feel all the time bubbling under my surface, but is inappropriate to do in public, you know, to have, like, an emotion or, you know, and also it's a burden on other people, of course, so I don't emote in public. But, like, to have that catharsis, you know, is really helpful.

[Conan O'Brien]

You weren't just drawn to acting, specifically musical theater.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Well, that was like the thing that was, like, available. Like, they weren't doing the Seagull in, you know, community theater, New Jersey, you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Know, they were doing the musical version of.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

I got to go and commit suicide.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Everybody had jazz wings. But so, you know, so that's just like what was happening in children's theater at the time where I lived, you know, Now I see a wonderful chasm between me and musical theater in terms of, like, performance style. That's not where I would shine these days.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's funny because Now I'm having this other fl. Like, flashback memory of. I don't know if you remember this sona. But when we were doing the shows during COVID Yeah. I think you were one of the first people.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yes, that's right.

[Conan O'Brien]

You may have been. You may have been the first guest I talked to. Covid hit all the shows shut down. Then we all came back, I think, on the same day. And we were doing virtual. Virtual interviews. Zoom interviews. And I think everyone else really had their shit together. And they were talking to guests who were in their home, but with state of the art. And I was very excited that you were gonna be, like, the first guest back. Oh, great. We got Jesse Eisenberg. This is gonna be great. And your family had gotten into a van, and you were just driving across America.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That's terrible.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think, to try and escape Covid in a van in America, which doesn't work, by the way. But I remembered you having possibly the worst zoom signal I've ever seen. And this was on television. You could probably look it up, see it.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

But it looks like I'm talking to. It looks like it's 1962 and I'm talking to a Russian cosmonaut who's in space.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yuri Gagorian. How are you? And then it would go out, and then you'd come back in again. And occasionally I could see, you know, like, your family in the background trying to swat away Covid. And there was a coyote.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Exactly. Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

It was craziness.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yes, that. Wow. Yes, exactly. You know, I was, like, at a koa. Like a campsite, you know, where we stayed overnight.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right, right.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

And the Internet. The KOA is known for a lot of things, but not the wif. So, yeah, it was pretty bad. Yeah. Sorry about all that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, no, no. Hey, I'm remembering it.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

What I've remembered is those are the things I remember. In show business, there have been many, you know, flawless, perfectly executed technicolor interviews that I'll never remember.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

But I just remember you in a baseball cap and your family trying to outrun a virus in a van.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Long story short, it caught up with us.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Caught up with a lot of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only one who didn't get it. Sona who ate garlic. Right.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yes, I ate garlic. Lots of garlic. Lots of lemon. But I did eventually get it right. So even garlic can't outrun Covid.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Wow. Not even the root garlic.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Not even the root. I know. But, you know, Goarly, who's not here has never had it yet.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Really?

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah, he's never had it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Maybe he's out with COVID right now.

[Sona Mofsesi]

He could be. He could be. And Eduardo never had it up until like a month ago.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, wow.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah, I know. Isn't that crazy?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Are there people who are immune to it? Like actually, like.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I have no idea.

[Matt Gourley]

I thought it was a mutant.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, of course, you must have. And you were around people, right? Who?

[Conan O'Brien]

Of course. Oh, and he got real cocky about it. And he said, he kept. He was always shouting, Covid can never get me.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Remember?

[Matt Gourley]

That's right.

[Conan O'Brien]

And if someone had Covid, he would grab them and open mouth kiss them.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Right, Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

He got me too'd a couple of times for that. And then finally you ordered a hamburger and you said, put a little extra Covid on it. And you finally caught it. Got it.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

So it ultimately was your fault.

[Conan O'Brien]

In my stories, it's always the other.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Person'S put a little extra Covid on it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Hey, I found out. I said I wanted Covid, I want two scoops.

[Sona Mofsesi]

They get real Covidy.

[Conan O'Brien]

You call this Covid?

[Sona Mofsesi]

Jesus Christ.

[Conan O'Brien]

There's nothing quite like the feeling of an upgrade when you're traveling. Well, as a T Mobile customer, you can take the perks with you. Check this out. Whether you're going on a weekend getaway to the mountains, or let's say you're on a dream vacation, or in my case, a work trip to Thailand, it's just fantastic. Let me explain. It starts the moment you take off with free in flight wifi so you can stream your favorite show on the go. I mean, that's incredible.

[Sona Mofsesi]

That is actually pretty sweet.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love that. I mean, that's insane. I'm always there with my credit card. You know, I can't figure it out. I lose the credit card, the phone is stolen, someone punches me, you start crying. I cry a lot. When you land, T Mobile's got you covered with 15% off all Hilton brands and an upgrade to Hilton Honors Silver. Plus you're covered with 5 gigabytes. 5 gigabytes. That's more than 4 of high speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. With the Go 5G or next plans, these are just a few of the perks that feel like big wins when you travel with T Mobile. And it's nice to stay connected to your family. I travel a lot. I do these travel shows and if I'm filming another country, I know I can get to my family right away. They usually don't want to speak to me.

[Sona Mofsesi]

But they screen your calls a lot, don't they?

[Conan O'Brien]

I suspect them of screening, yes. Find out how you can experience Travel [e-mail] Travel today. Qualifying plan required. WiFi where available on select US airlines. Registration and Hilton Honors membership required for Hilton Honors Silver. Terms and conditions apply. You know, Macy's has got this collaboration with Disney now. It's got everybody talking this holiday season. Yeah. Did you know that? I mean, everybody.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Of course I knew that.

[Conan O'Brien]

I was hanging out at a bus stop today. Everybody was talking about it.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Macy's, Disney, they're working together. Macy's new exclusive collaboration with Disney makes the perfect gift for all the Disney fans in your life. And who isn't a Disney fan?

[Sona Mofsesi]

Nobody.

[Conan O'Brien]

Nobody. No such thing. Never seen one.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

The collection features apparel, accessories, collectibles and more, featuring new and exclusive artwork by Disney's legendary director of character art, Jeff Shelley. Jeff Shelley is an icon. He knows what's up, he knows what's going on. He knows what's up, and he knows what's down. Shop now@macy's.com or visit your local Macy's. As a B2B marketer, you know how noisy the ad space can be. So noisy. Just so much out there.

[Sona Mofsesi]

So much.

[Conan O'Brien]

If your message isn't targeted to the right audience, it just disappear, disappears in the noise. It's like throwing a cork into the ocean in a storm. You just see it bob away. Well, guess what? With LinkedIn ads, you can precisely reach the professionals who are more likely to find your ad relevant. Get your message to the right person. With LinkedIn's targeting capabilities, you can reach them by job title, industry, company and more. You'll have direct access to and build relationships with decision makers. A billion members, geez. 130 million senior level executives and 10 million C level executives stand out with LinkedIn ads. And start converting your B2B audience into high quality leads today. B2B means business to business. Start converting your B2B audience into High quality leads today. They'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com TeamCoco to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com TeamCoco. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be. I gotta ask you, I know you did Zombieland with him. And so I have to ask you about Woody Harrelson because he's an unsolvable mystery to me. And I ask because he, in my little podcast company, he does a podcast, a very good podcast that he does.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, right. With Ted Danson.

[Conan O'Brien]

With Ted Danson. They do it together in this very room. And whenever I encounter Woody, I convinced he's not real. I'm convinced he's not a real person. In all the best ways, I adore him.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I get it.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love him.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

There's something. He is an icon and in some ways, like, emblematic of what we think of as, like, for me at least, Americana. And we were working together for the last four months up until last week. We just finished doing a movie in Budapest together. Now you see, me three. It was our sixth project together, and I still have that feeling that he transcends the species somehow. I don't know. The thing I.

[Conan O'Brien]

It is. He's fascinating. He's a fascinating creature.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

The way I've, like, been able to codify him in my mind just recently is the following. He is a truly eccentric artist masquerading as an everyman. Yes, I really think so. He's actually an eccentric artist with very unusual taste. But, like, he's just been embraced. And I think it's not by his own decision or intent, like, by America as, like, the person we can all agree on. Yes. You know what I mean?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. It's like him and Paul Rudd are the people that everyone's agreed. We love them. They're great.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, I think so. Yeah.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

But Woody. Woody has a special cultural thing, too, because he has a Midwestern. He has a Southern twang and a Midwestern charms. He grew up in Ohio and Texas, and so there's something culturally, I think, also a little confusing because he's also hippie, and, you know, he has a weed store down the block here. So there's, like. I think there's so many wonderfully contradicting things happening that we all feel he is with us.

[Conan O'Brien]

And we've. I mean, mentioned it, but it was a big episode here. But it was. You may not be aware of this, that I was here with Ted, and we were waiting on Woody, and they said, he's good. He's. And then we got this message, yeah, Woody's running late. He was in a motorcycle accident. Oh, wow.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I was. I was saying, he was in a motorcycle accident. Let's all rush to the hospital and go make sure he's okay. And they're like, nope, he's just going to be 15 minutes late. And he showed up 15 minutes late, and he had gone, like, ass over tea kettle over the hood of a car, not wearing arm. And Ted bandaged him, and then we did the Podcast.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I'm. And he's like, ah, be all right, man. You know, whatever. No. Yeah, you're.

[Sona Mofsesi]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you doing?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

A week later, we were shooting a movie in Budapest. That was like, right after that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, was it right after that?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm also furious with him because he pulled me aside and said, hey, man, you want to go 5050 with me on a houseboat in Amsterdam? And I'm like, to co own a houseboat in Amsterdam with Woody Harrelson? I could dine out on that for the rest of my life. And so I said, yes, yes. And he said, don't you have to talk to your wife? And I said, no. I'm just saying yes right now. He said, do you need to see pictures? I said, no. If I never see it, of course I'm gonna tell people. Yeah, Woody Harrelson and I co. Own a houseboat in Amsterdam. Three days later, we don't talk. He's taping a podcast right in here, and he's talking to Flea. And on air, he goes, hey, Flea, you wanna go half and half on that? And I practically crashed the door down. And I'm like, yelling at him, you never intended. He was just laughing in my face.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Okay. To be fair, he doesn't know fractions.

[Conan O'Brien]

He is sold. It's like that con man who sold a million halves. Yeah, you each got a half. All thousand of you. And now if I could just leave town with this suitcase full of cash. He's the music man.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

The monorail.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's the music man. Yeah. Or the Monterey. It's Lyle Lanley. Yeah, exactly. But one of the things I love the most about being in this business is just meeting all these characters, these authentic people. And I just. And just, to me, that's the price of admission. I mean, it's worth everything. It makes it all worthwhile.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Let me ask you this, though. Like, how much eccentricity do you think is manufactured by people trying to be interesting?

[Conan O'Brien]

I think it's less. Yes, I know what you mean. I think there's eccentricity that's manufactured by celebrities, famous people, whatever you want to call them, people of note. There's some eccentricity. I think the thing that's manufactured the most is difficulty. I think that's what I've noticed.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Purposely manufactured.

[Conan O'Brien]

Purposely manufactured difficulty because it almost creates a sense of importance sometimes. I think when someone's being very difficult or there's a lot of demands and they have a giant entourage and everything has to be just right. I think this person's unhappy. This person is trying to create something because they don't feel authentic enough.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

But. But what they'd be doing would be compromising, potentially being liked. And when do those two things come into conflict in a way that still makes them demanding?

[Conan O'Brien]

Right. I mean, I wish I could answer the question. I just have seen it a million times, Right.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

And it always feels like it's coming from the same place of needing to feel externally important because something is missing.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know that when I was doing the late night show, Bruce Springsteen came to perform and he showed up himself and he's wearing a flannel shirt and he's hanging out in the hallway. And afterwards, someone bought a case of beer, and we all cracked it open. We were standing around drinking beer, like, because he didn't need validation. He didn't need that. And then occasionally there's someone who. They're not even the number one name on the call sheet or of the show they're on. And there's a lot of demands, of course.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, that's always the case.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'd like to keep the limo afterwards. And I'd also, when I get there, this is what the temperature should be. Right?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Of course.

[Conan O'Brien]

And to me, that's the pathology a little bit.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That makes a lot more sense. Of course.

[Conan O'Brien]

And when you meet an authentic person, there's something. There's a little piece of zinc in our brains as humans, humanoids, where we know. Oh, okay. This person is authentic. This Woody Harrelson guy is not making shit up. He's real. Do you know what I mean?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Well, some stuff is made up. The cell phone tower, you know. I mean.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, yes, yes. Well, I think he believes it.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That's true.

[Conan O'Brien]

The truth is he believes it.

[Sona Mofsesi]

That's true.

[Conan O'Brien]

What's made up is that he has a houseboat in Amsterdam. That's the bullshit. That doesn't even exist.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

What if it's just you and Flea who own this houseboat?

[Sona Mofsesi]

That's what's gonna be. That's cool, too, then.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, it's not the same. Flea's just gonna be doing base scales the whole time really fast. And I'd be like, jesus, Flea, do you know another instrument?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Wait, you guys are living in the houseboat? I don't understand why.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, that's the whole point. When Jesse and I get a houseboat, which is gonna happen. Jesse, of course we're going to live there together.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, yeah. If you have the houseboat, why would you not live there all the time? Even when you have to go visit your Families back home. You stay in the houseboat in Amsterdam.

[Conan O'Brien]

This actually leads me to your film, naturally, which. Well, it does. It does. It leads me to your film because A Real Pain costars you. Kieran Culkin as cousins. I saw a trailer first before I saw the film, as often happens. And the second I saw you and Kieran together, I was just, oh, this is gonna be great.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, thanks.

[Conan O'Brien]

Because I adore both of you. I think you're both fantastic actors, but you also both play very well, different registers. The two of you play these cousins, who in many ways, could not be more different for a movie that has a lot of dark and meaningful subtext. You two are so funny and real together.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, thanks.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's really beautiful.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, it's funny because I hadn't really seen his work ever. I mean, really. I just had this instinct that there was no one else on the planet who could do it. I met him at an audition for this movie, Adventureland. I was already cast in the movie, and he came in to audition for it, and in the audition, he, like, literally grabbed my nipples and twisted them. It was in the script. In the script, he was supposed to, like, punch me in the balls. And a lot of actors are coming in, and no one touched me that day because it was auditions, you know what I mean? And, like. And yet Kieran punched me in the balls and then grabbed my nipples, twisted them, and was so brilliantly funny in the audition that he didn't even get the role. But he actually wasn't cast. But I remember he left.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wasn't cast because he sexually assaulted.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

There was a whole. He had to do a little time. He had to go away for a bit.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

And Screen Actors Guild, they do take you back after a preparatory period. But anyway, he. No, but basically, like, he. He left the room, and the director and I turned to each other, was like, that was unbelievable. This guy is amazing. And that was, like, in 2009, I think. And I just had this image, I think, in my unconscious, or this feeling of being around a guy who's so funny, who's so magnetic, and who doesn't kind of give a shit about, at that point, like, being polite or being like the obsequious auditioning actor of, like, you know, so happy to be here, and a guy who just immediately manhandled me. And it's kind of what the movie is like. In the movie, I pay for the trip. I have the family.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, let's lay it out for people, you know, I never like to give Too much away. But it is a really lovely movie and like a tone poem. But also it's a travel story and it's the story of two cousins that you're taking this very meaningful trip. Your grandmother, who she survived the war, she survived the camps in Poland. So you guys are coming back as part of this tour to tour Poland, see some of the sites. You visit a concentration camp, and then you go to see the home where she lived in a kind of Felix and Oscar way. You're so good at being very high strung and trying to hold it all together and very responsible. And he is so irresponsible in these very funny ways. And I was watching this movie thinking, well, there can be more movies where you two. I mean, you two characters can do anything because it's just going to be funny. But there's also. It's real. It's very meaningful.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That's so nice of you to say. And actually, the original script was set in Mongolia. I was like 30 pages into the script of these two guys going to Mongolia to visit an old friend.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're the new hope in Crosby travel. You know, look it up, kids. It's a really good reference. Yeah.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Next week we're going to the Orient, you know, but it was basically like. It was. Yeah, that it was. And so, like, I had this great dynamic. And then the movie, this Mongolia script was not going well. And this is kind of funny, but, like, the script was not going well. I was 30 pages into the script and an ad popped up on the Internet for Auschwitz tours. And then in parentheses, with lunch.

[Conan O'Brien]

Jesus. Oh, my God. That's what it said. Auschwitz. Parentheses. With lunch. No, no.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Auschwitz tours.

[Conan O'Brien]

Auschwitz tours.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, with lunch. Yeah, with lunch. With.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know. I'm getting it.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I know. Should I say it again? I can come close closer. Yeah. So basically. And I was like, first of all, I knew immediately what the ad was for. I mean, but the implication of what the ad was for, which was just, you know, you want to do tours.

[Conan O'Brien]

But yeah, the ad's a little tone deaf. Let's say you can mention with lunch. Maybe elsewhere.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah. Maybe put an asterisk there and then address the asterisk after you click the banner. But basically. But actually, what they're appealing to is exactly why the tone deaf. Why the ad is tone deaf. Because they're appealing to yuppies who want to. Instead of going to Rome this. This holiday, now you're going to go to Auschwitz and you're doing your responsible tourism, which is a good thing to do anyway. But as soon as I saw that, I took the characters out of Mongolia and I set them on this Polish trip. But that was really, the feeling is like you could drop these characters in anywhere, in any scene, and it will still be amusing. And so, like what you said, they're going to all of these places fraught with the history of trauma, and yet the characters have an appealing bond that you can kind of just repeat and further uncover.

[Conan O'Brien]

There's also this feeling that we've all had. There are moments in the film where you're meant to feel something. You're not quite feeling it in the same magnitude that you feel you should be feeling it. Exactly. And I thought that is something we've all experienced, where you go to a hallowed space or you're learning about something. I mean, I'm a history buff and I've been to many places where very traumatic things happen. And then you're like, well, we're gonna miss the tram if we don't get moved. It's very weird.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

It's very weird.

[Conan O'Brien]

Very weird to lay the two on each other.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yes. I've thought about this so much, not just because of making the movie, but because I do the same kind of tourism. I've been to the Rwandan Genocide Museum in Kigali and in Cambodia, the, you know, killing Fields. I'm fascinated with this kind of tourism. And, yes, there's always the weird part of it. Like, we have to get lunch on the way there. Do we get bad lunch because bad things happened here?

[Conan O'Brien]

Right.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Or do we get the lunch we like because we want to have the energy to tour this place? And it's so weird. So in the movie, the characters are, like, kind of trying to reconcile that disconnect, this necessary disconnect. Like, we're on the train going to a concentration camp and we have first class seats because the, you know, exchange rate in Poland allows for us to have this. You know, we're on a yuppie tour of Poland, and Kieran's character cannot stand the fact that we're in first class. But, like, coach is not that much better. You know what I mean?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, he goes. He's, you know, he's saying, our people were put on trains in Poland in this terrible situation to be killed, right? And here we are, 70 years later on a train with really cushy seats, eating this fancy meal in first class. This isn't right. And he goes storming off to go to another class, and one of the characters yells out, it's not gonna be that Much worse. And so, to me, the beauty of the film is when you can and kind of dance on a knife's edge between the darkness, but also the humanity that is. People are imperfect. We don't always feel exactly what we're supposed to feel. There's always someone in the room who. If you say, oh, my God, I just bit into this sandwich and it's got mold all over it. This is terrible. Oh, yeah. Well, guess what.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

Some people never got to have a sandwich, and they're dead. And so you can't always pull it. No, I still want the good sandwich.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Right, Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't want mold on my sandwich. I'm sorry that someone else didn't get a sandwich 800 years ago, but God damn it, I want the good one. Yes.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

But also, what if you did also have this kind of residual guilt that other people didn't have the sandwich, and your moldy sandwich is not something to even have pity for. You know what I mean? Like, there could be a version of you that goes like, oh, my God. Yeah, you're right. I'm feeling bad over something I haven't earned, you know?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Not that that's a good feeling to have, but I think.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I had a similar experience. You know, your movie is about. Because this is based on something you've done. You and your wife, your family have taken trips. Poland is very important to you.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, my family, I'm telling you.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm not asking you. I'm just telling you that Poland is important to you.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Are there any other countries I should look into as being important?

[Conan O'Brien]

You're also into Guam.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Okay. Okay. So protectorates. Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Man, you're chalking up the points left and right. Yeah. But, I mean, I know that that's something that this is. Reflects part of your life.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, exactly. Like the house we filmed the movie at, that the characters wind up at the end of the movie, is the house my family lived in up until 1939. And, yeah, my wife and I kind of took this trip, but not on, like, a guided tour, and went to all these cities. And all the stories that the characters tell are basically just stories from my family. I just, you know, insert them in these kind of, you know, fictionalized ways.

[Conan O'Brien]

Are you. Is it right that you're trying to get Polish citizenship?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yes, I have a Social Security number in Poland, but I don't have my.

[Conan O'Brien]

You say it right now.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, it's 1 7. And then the rest are Polish characters. So it doesn't translate. It's 17 ZWZW. CCW.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, scammers try and use that.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah. But I haven't got my passport. And I was supposed to get my passport on Wednesday at the next Wednesday, like, in several days, a few days from now at the Polish embassy in D.C. and then I was just emailed last night. You're not getting it. And so, I don't know. I've been, like, chasing this thing for a while, but this would be so.

[Conan O'Brien]

Cool to have a. Yeah, I. Can I have some envy here, because I. My. I'm 100% Irish, and. But the rule is your. I think your grandfather had to have been from Ireland.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

And it's my great grandfather, so I do not qualify. But I've always thought, wouldn't it be amazing to have an Irish passport?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Because I could flee, if there are any, and I could escape from my crimes, my heinous crimes. Okay. Don't go anywhere.

[Sona Mofsesi]

What's that? Don't go anywhere.

[Conan O'Brien]

You want me to stick around?

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah, I like this job.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, okay. They'll get another Conan O'Brien. There's always another Conan O'Brien.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

And you could do it remotely.

[Conan O'Brien]

Exactly.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Ireland has many wonderful studios in a.

[Conan O'Brien]

Van, just like you.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

But I had the experience of going back to Ireland to shoot a show, this travel show we did for Max. And, you know, I'm shooting a lot of comedy and a lot of very silly stuff. And then there was one part where this woman took me to the actual plot of land that my. That my great grandfather lived on. And I get there, and I'm looking at this beautiful view.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Gorgeous view of the Goblin Mountains. And, like, the ice in my heart started to melt a bit. Yeah, I did. I felt very. And I said to her, I said, God, look at this view. And this is where we live. She said, yeah, they lived in a. The shack is gone now, but this is where they lived. And I looked at the records, and it would have been basically one or two rooms, and they lived here. And I'm looking at it and feeling very emotional. And I said, well, this is so beautiful here because it was absolutely gorgeous. It was like an Irish Spring ad, you know, it was just, like, gorgeous, you know, leprechaun Ireland and mountains in the distance. And foolishly, I said to the woman, why did they. Why did he leave?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, and she said, cause you can't eat the view. Oh, my God. And it was.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That's the tagline for Ireland.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know, but I mean, it was very powerful. Yeah, they Had. There was not enough food. They didn't, you know. And she's just like, yeah, there are good. It's beautiful mountains. You can't eat the feckin mountains. They had to go, well, I added feckin. I'm making her more of a character now.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Amazing.

[Conan O'Brien]

You can't eat the fecken mountains. And then there was a burst of smoke and she turned into a bat.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Jesus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, she went.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

And that's pretty amazing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

But were you surprised that the feeling snuck up on you?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, I was. Whenever I have any kind of emotion, I am shocked and dismayed.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Was it something specific? Like, did you think, oh, that man would have looked at this view?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, I was thinking, that man would have looked at this. He had to go. I also knew very sad things about him back then. There was no going back. There was no writing to people. There was no. I mean, a lot of people left. They went to America. My people went to central Massachusetts to farm country and start again. But this relative of mine who left struggled with alcoholism and it was a real problem for him. And just when people have said to me, oh, are you in touch with the people back home in Ireland? Well, no, there was no keeping in touch with anybody. They just went, you know, it was very dark. Yeah, it was a very. And so anyway, your story, your movie had some resonance for me, as it would for. I mean, I think so many people. So many of us are immigrants. We're all immigrants. And it's much discussed in the news now. But all of us have. All of us have moved on and all of us have come here and we're all curious about where we came from. And it does sneak up on you. It gets emotional in a strange way.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I had, like, a similar experience to you. I'm like, really always on the edge of emotions, and maybe you're not. And so I think I had almost like the X ray inverse of your experience. I went to this house again. We filmed this movie there. But 2008, my wife and I went to this house that my family was from.

[Conan O'Brien]

And it's the house that I.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

In the movie. Yeah.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah. And with a view you could eat.

[Conan O'Brien]

And mountains made of meatballs, a pastrami volcano. Come to Poland.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

A view you can eat. Not like Ireland, where you. Not the.

[Conan O'Brien]

It is. It basically is Candyland.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah. Not the whole inedible.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, it's a gumdrop mountain.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Not those gross views. Look at those inedible. Anyway, nonetheless, there's.

[Conan O'Brien]

Poland better than Ireland in terms of the views.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

You can Eat. But basically, like, so my wife and I went to this house, and I knew so much about the house. And forgive me for, like, taking this.

[Conan O'Brien]

And that's okay, go for it.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Like, forgive me for taking this in, like, kind of like a bleak direction. But, you know, what happened in the house was like, my family owned this dry goods store on the corner of this town square in this nice, very nice town in Poland. And they were friends with the Poles. I mean, I know this from. Because I'm. They are survivors. They were really good, well liked in the town. And in 1939, they were taken out of their house. They were taken to the cemetery, which is like, two blocks away, and they were shot, like, point blank. And then my. You know, we actually parked our trailers when we were shooting there outside the cemetery. So this whole town was kind of fraught with not only memories that I had. Let me put it this way. In 2008, I went to this house, and I expected to have very much the experience you just described. That I would be overwhelmed with this feeling of catharsis and a kind of, like, immediately, you know, resonant feeling of connection. And I really didn't. And what was interesting, like, about that strange disconnect for me was like, I just had this feeling of, like, oh, yeah, we don't belong here anymore. You know, and that was kind of depressing. And, like, I was standing out there for a while, like, with my wife, and then we're just basically loitering, you know, in front of this building in this town square. And I just had this feeling of, oh, right, none of us are here anymore. And then I had this other weird feeling is when I was going into that town, I guess I assumed I would see people that look like me, and I didn't. And, you know, there were no Jews left in the town. And so it was this weird thing. It was an emptiness I was left with, not the catharsis that I was expecting to have.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, it's always difficult to feel the pressure to have an emotion because that's not how it's supposed to work.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That's true.

[Conan O'Brien]

And this is reminding me I've shot a bunch of shows around the world because I'm just very fascinated. I, you know, have a real wanderlust. And I. I loved my talk show days, but I was always very jealous when someone like you would sit down next to me and next to, you know, Jesse Eisenberg. Da da da da da. Jesse, how are you? Well, I'm good. I just got back from Budapest where I was with it. And I would think, I've never been there and I have to be in this seat. I get to. I loved it. So the minute I started to invent this way to go to these different countries, and one of the countries that we went to was Armenia and Sona came with me and we shooting all this very fun stuff in Armenia and silly things. And you and I are dressing up as shepherds and we're in fields and we're wearing, you know, so we were shooting all this stuff and then we.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Went to, we went to the genocide memorial.

[Conan O'Brien]

The genocide memorial. And suddenly, I mean, we're not idiots. I didn't go thinking, oh, this will be fun. You know, we'll get some good comedy. I'm not a monster. Hey, why am I feeling these feelings?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

What is this water coming out of my face?

[Conan O'Brien]

But we went there and it was. Well, you take over.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, it was heavy. It was really heavy. I mean, I'd never been to Armenia. I am Armenian.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I felt a lot of what Conan was saying about how you get there. I was crying the entire time I was there. I feel like. But then I saw my dad's village engraved in the wall of all the villages that were affected by the genocide. And I, I, it's like I instantly just felt some kind of connection to my grandparents. It was like I'm feeling emotional talking about it now. It's. It was amazing. It was one of probably the most like heart wrenching moments of my life.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Were you also not expecting.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I wasn't. I was not expecting to feel that overwhelmed about it. I don't know. I mean, I think that something just like got very triggered in me and it was. You suddenly feel very connected to your past.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It puts, it puts everything into a very different perspective also.

[Conan O'Brien]

I always have. I don't know if you felt this or you felt that, but I'm so lucky to be here. Of course, that's the feeling I have.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Of course we're lucky.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes. That I'm enraged by people. We live in this world where we're in this business. We're extremely fortunate. And the thing that really angers me is when people act entitled, it makes me insane. Except when I do it, of course. But no, I get very angry at entitlement. I profoundly understand that. I'm here because a lot of people, this relative of mine, and it's not that long ago, late 19th century, said, I gotta go, and walked out of that town, made it to central Massachusetts, and there's there's all these other people that come after that that don't get one. One billionth of my opportunities.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

And then I'm here and standing on millions of shoulders, you know, and so that's the feeling I have. And I do think, without getting overtly political, people forget that people think I'm here because I made this happen.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Of course.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I think. I know. No, I didn't. I've made some things happen in my life.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Right. But in the context of opportunity, in.

[Conan O'Brien]

The context of amazing opportunity that everyone else provided for me, you especially.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

No, I'm kidding.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. All right, Eisenberg. Okay. I don't know what it's like to be blessed with talent, but I did what I had to do. But, no, it's like. It's such a. You know, going back to this film you made is about a lot. It's interesting. It's a very lovely film. That's a very. And it sounds crazy. It's very enjoyable to watch. It's a really good movie, and it's beautifully scored and it's beautifully directed, and you guys are terrific actors. And it's got so much lightness in it, and it's got. Obviously, it has some heaviness in it as well, but it's, you know, it's about. It's about so much, and it's not. And it's not overt in that way, but it's just. It's one of those films where I watched it and I just thought, okay, I have. This is making me feel all kinds of stuff in a very good way.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, that's so nice.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm an unfeeling man.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah. That you had any experience of saying watching it is just the goal.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why do I invite you back? I don't understand. I think I like the punishment. Don't you? I really do.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I think you do.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I really, like. I need grounding.

[Conan O'Brien]

You. Yeah, it is. Yeah. I need grounding.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah. Yes.

[Sona Mofsesi]

You need some humility.

[Conan O'Brien]

I do.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I've been sent in here by your wife.

[Conan O'Brien]

I saw on our amex bill a $200,000 charge for it, said Eisenberg, Therap. I didn't know.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

It's a speaking fee. I'm treating this like a state college.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, listen, I. Congratulations on a real pain. And this is not just me. Everybody is talking about this film, and I know it's awards season, but people are abuzz about this film, and rightly so. And congratulations. And also just, you know, I. I'm very proud to know you No, I really do. I'm proud to know you. You have a lot of character, and I know you're tough on yourself, and you're a real human being, which doesn't always happen in this town. And so, just a joy to have you here.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Thank you so much. That's so nice of you to say. Thank you for always being supportive of me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, we're going to edit all this out.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Sure. Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And then we're going to add it. Once you leave, I stay for an hour, and it's just Eisenberg zingers.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Got it, got it, got it.

[Conan O'Brien]

And then we tape in. You going, aw, well, I can't keep up. I can't keep up with Conan. And I'm like, yeah, another thing, Eisenberg. Zing, zing, zing, zing, zing. And so how did he know? He's probably the funniest guy I've ever met. Hey, why does he sound like Jimmy Stewart? I don't know.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

You only bought the Jimmy Stewart AI voice. And so we all just get.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, well, I made this movie. It's called Real Pain. I go back to. I go to Poland, you see. Yeah, man. Conan, you're the funniest character I've ever met. And I swear to God, I've met them all. Yeah.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

I just love the idea that Jimmy Stewart's from anywhere like Poland.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, my people, we had a, you know, had to leave.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Shtetl.

[Conan O'Brien]

We're in a shtetl. You got anything borscht on you? I like a bor.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Mr. Smith goes to cross nostalgia.

[Conan O'Brien]

God bless you. You, too, Jesse Eisenberg, man.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Thanks a lot.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sony. You like to travel? You like to go away and have a good time?

[Sona Mofsesi]

I do. I like taking the boys and Tack and I go somewhere for the holidays. This year we're thinking about taking, you know, just taking a trip to, you know, Lake Arrowhead for a week or something. You know, just somewhere nearby.

[Conan O'Brien]

Lake Arrowhead. That'd be beautiful.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It would.

[Conan O'Brien]

And then it occurred to me recently, what happens? Cause you got a lovely home. You guys have a beautiful home. You've done a very nice restoration on it. What happens to your home when you guys are away?

[Sona Mofsesi]

It just sits there. It just sits there.

[Conan O'Brien]

It shouldn't. I know. Think about it. If you host. Okay. If you host with Airbnb while you're away, it's basically like you're getting paid to travel.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean, it's genius.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

So don't leave money on the table the next time you're out of town when you're away, your home could be an Airbnb.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's a cool idea. Think about it.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I will.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I've got good ideas. Your home, AKA your future Airbnb, might be worth more than you think. I think yours would be worth a lot because you guys did a beautiful job on it.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Thank you. I hope so.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Fine. Find out how much your home's [e-mail] host God, I'm looking forward to the holiday party this year. We have a staff holiday party that is. And I'm going to use. It's a new term that the kids use. You probably haven't heard it before. Off da hook. Oh, and.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yep.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, no. Yep. Just heard that on the street the other day.

[Sona Mofsesi]

That's right.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I love our party. And one of the things I love about it is we always elevate it with Miller Lite. I like it when things taste like Miller Time. I do. It's the taste you can depend on. No games, no gimmicks. Miller Lite's brewed for taste. It hits different than any other light beers. And here's the clue, right? You're thinking, like, how do they do it? It's simple ingredients. Sometimes people are doing a beer and they're like, oh, we'll add oregano.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Hey, I have an idea.

[Conan O'Brien]

There's a spice I found. I found a spice in Middle Earth. No, it's so simple. Simple ingredients. Malted barley for rich balanced toffee note flavors and an iconic golden color. It's the original light beer since 1975, when Red Sox won the pennant. And it's still the best one. We all get together. We're around the fire pit. We're having a good time. And we're quaffing. We're drinking down those Miller lights. Glug, glug, glug. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Making memories at year end gatherings with your staff, whether it's Chaz Billington, Phil Rockingham, Stu Mulaney, Bix Tazenhauser. Tastes like Miller time. Go to millerlite.comconan to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Tastes like Miller Time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 oz. Ounces. Fewer calories and carbs than premium regular beer. The new Sonic Queso Smasher is now available. You're going to want to try this they made the sonic smasher you love because you do love your sonic smasher, don't you? Sonic?

[Sona Mofsesi]

I love sonic smashers and I love queso.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, well, guess what? They took the sonic smasher you love and they added the new creamy queso in hand smash patties made to order.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Just makes my brain explode.

[Conan O'Brien]

I just saw your brain explode. And queso came out. The sonic queso smash is the perfect combination of Angus patties, creamy queso jalapenos and a southwest aioli. Sounds like juicy goodness to me. All that's left to do is choose a double or a triple. Make mine two triples. That's a sex tuplet. The new sonic queso smasher. Live free. Eat sonic.

[Matt Gourley]

Sona, recently you met someone out in the wild and I think that's about to lead us into an interesting journey.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I need to talk about what happened to me on Saturday because I hosted all day and it was so much fun. I hosted the Pasadena Armenian Festival.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, wow.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, God.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, I. No, I was just curious. I was just curious who they got after I turned them down.

[Matt Gourley]

And then I turned them down.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Yeah.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, then you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, they called me and I was like, well, I can't do it. And then goarly was like, no thanks, which was really rude. No thanks. I had a legitimate excuse. So this is exciting. What happened?

[Sona Mofsesi]

I had posted it up on Instagram that I was going to be at this thing to just kind of help promote it. And I had a few of our fans who aren't even Armenian come to the festival to come meet me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, that's cool.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Which was honestly really cool.

[Conan O'Brien]

So these are non Armenians coming to an Armenian festival?

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow. And see, what did I tell you long ago? We.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I have no idea.

[Conan O'Brien]

We unify people.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, we do.

[Conan O'Brien]

We bring people together.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Just say yes, you're right.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Sure. Yeah. Okay. Yes, you're right.

[Matt Gourley]

Evidence is there because the country seems pretty unified.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I brought us together.

[Sona Mofsesi]

So can I give a shout out to a couple people who came?

[Conan O'Brien]

Sure.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Daniel came with his girlfriend, Michelle. Daniel's a fan. Michelle doesn't listen. So we could just forget Michelle.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well then what the fuck did you bring her up for? What's wrong wrong with her? If he's listening, what is she doing? Just plugging her ears.

[Sona Mofsesi]

And then Marianne and Dean came this. So they came all the way from, I think the Midwest. They. They drove all the way out.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, they didn't.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Not for me specifically. They came for something else. But then I was like a stop. So I'M just going to tell myself it was for. For me.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, they didn't drive from the Midwest to go to an Armenian festival.

[Sona Mofsesi]

No, they didn't. But they. They did. Let's just say they did. But they. Oh. So Dean and Marianne. I met them. They're lovely people. Dean, I find out, writes fan fiction about you. He writes it about a lot of things, but he also writes a lot of Conan O'Brien specific fan fiction.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow. I'm not. I have to say, I am not familiar with the genre of fan fiction. I've heard about it, but I'm not familiar with what it actually entails. So he's writing fictitious things that happened.

[Matt Gourley]

To me, but you're leaving out a major descriptor.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It's explained explicit.

[Matt Gourley]

It's erotic fanfiction.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It's erotic. It's an erotic fan.

[Conan O'Brien]

That doesn't surprise me.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, it, it.

[Conan O'Brien]

I am an erotic. I am an erotic character. I'm a. I, I. Neurotic.

[Matt Gourley]

You're thinking neurotic.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, Aren't they the same? Yeah, I. I think I have. I exude a sexuality.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It's funny you say that because I was like, really Conan. And I'm like, he's just, you know, he's very. He's like. I was like, you know, I was talking to Dean and Marianne and I said he's just a very kind of repressed. Got this repressed Catholic energy. And he said a lot of the fanfiction that he writes comes from you, like coming out of your repression.

[Conan O'Brien]

Breaking out.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Breaking out of your repression.

[Conan O'Brien]

See, this guy gets me. His name is Dean.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Let me tell you something. When someone's repressed, if anything, it means there's more sexual energy because it's trapped. It is.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I guess you're right. You're right.

[Conan O'Brien]

So when you say, like, I never think of is. You're so repressed. Yes, yes. A volcano just before it blows, shooting its hot lava. Oh, gross.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Come on.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, God, no.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Uh.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh. Now I'm thinking I know what Goarly's up to because he's looking at his phone.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And he's. Either. Either. There's a 1940s hat sale in the area.

[Matt Gourley]

My erotic fixation. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, wow. A homburg.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yeah, I mean, I looked at just the descriptions. I said pass. I can't do it.

[Matt Gourley]

I'm going to take us through some of these. For instance, here's one. This is a short introduction, but there's a ton of tags on this. Like nipple licking.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, God.

[Matt Gourley]

Not Looking for constructive criticism. Smut porn with feelings. Blow jobs. Okay, here it is. Receiving an autograph and a hug from her giant ginger idol. Following a live taping of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend would have been more than enough for Lily, but after he waves goodbye to the crowd, she realized.

[Conan O'Brien]

Conan.

[Matt Gourley]

Conan left a lot more than his signature behind.

[Conan O'Brien]

What does that mean?

[Sona Mofsesi]

You don't see? You never read.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love fiction. Fiction. Yeah, but what does that mean?

[Matt Gourley]

I think you jizzed on the autograph.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I know. I think he like left his info and then they had like a dalliance after.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about?

[Matt Gourley]

I shouldn't supposed to code his DNA.

[Sona Mofsesi]

You said you thought he gizzed on.

[Conan O'Brien]

No. You're going down an awful road. I am meeting these people at their level.

[Matt Gourley]

Let me remind you of some of these tags.

[Conan O'Brien]

First of all, this is not fiction. I remember Lily.

[Matt Gourley]

Teasing dirty talk. Blowjobs face.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, wait, wait. So you can click on any of these and it will lead to something about me in that scenario.

[Matt Gourley]

Or there's just tons and tons of these.

[Sona Mofsesi]

No, there's. He's. He's got his. The website is. Can I just say the website so people can go read it?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, let's help this guy.

[Sona Mofsesi]

The website is called archiveofourone.org and he's DRH paints and he's got a lot of. Of Conan specific fanfiction.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I do think.

[Conan O'Brien]

And it's erotica.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It's a lot of erotica. And it's very explicit because that's the fun part about fan fiction.

[Matt Gourley]

Recently engaged Conan enjoys a low key celebration with fiance Natasha at a Red Sox game where they get frisky in one of the VIP suites.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

A bunch of things here. I am married, her name's not Natasha, and I've never been invited to a Red Sox VIP suite. Nor what I. The Afflecks are always in there. Yeah.

[Matt Gourley]

After an aggravating day alongside detective Terry Seattle, when asked to question another of captivating Keith's former assistants, Conan finds the enchanting Eden has more than a few tricks up her sleeve.

[Sona Mofsesi]

This is fun stuff, and I think it's very flattering. I mean, like, you know, there was an entire movie series, the After Movie series that was based on fan fiction written about Harry Styles.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Like it's.

[Matt Gourley]

I just think there's movie material here.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I'm just saying, I'm like. I just think it's very flattering when people choose you as like a main character in any sort of literary kind of take they have on anything.

[Conan O'Brien]

This might be one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, I don't.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, maybe it went too far.

[Matt Gourley]

After getting a taste of the submissive lifestyle while filming Conan Without Borders in Berlin, Conan seeks out dominatrix Ms. Andrea to fulfill his fantasies.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what? This person knows your stuff we've talked about. I shot a dominatrix segment in Berlin, and I'm still in pain from it.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, I see. These are lead ins to the full. You have to kind of click through to get to the whole story.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, these are just the beginning. You're leading. Just that. These are just the.

[Matt Gourley]

Here's a good one. Conan attends his 40th high school reunion, where he finds out Lolly, a fellow former student turned Brookline history teacher, secretly pined after him in their youth.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, God. Wait.

[Matt Gourley]

It's called not too late.

[Conan O'Brien]

It is too late. It's way too late. It should be called Way too late. Their hips clicked as they entwined.

[Matt Gourley]

Eventually.

[Conan O'Brien]

My skin hurts, said Conan. What was that? Said his sexual partner. I can't hear you. Because of my oldness. Ow. It hurt. Conan yelled, peeing pure blood into the toilet.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Oh, my God.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, my God. Lolly nodded, eyeliner making her gaze appear smokey yet skittish. Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Conan's tongue wet his lips. My hotel.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wet lips.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I'm done. Wet lips. I can't read it.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, this is terrible.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I can't hear it.

[Matt Gourley]

Hold on.

[Conan O'Brien]

But I'm glad someone is finally seeing me as a sexual being, because I've been ignored too long in that category. And that's just what a sexual person would say. For far too long, my sexuality has not been seen, said the dynamo, the lothario.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God.

[Sona Mofsesi]

No such idiot. I'm gonna burn this entire building down to the ground. I can't do it.

[Matt Gourley]

Mouth stalling at her clavicle.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, my God.

[Matt Gourley]

Conan rose.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's. Wait, say it again.

[Matt Gourley]

Mouth stalling at her clavicle.

[Conan O'Brien]

What does that mean?

[Matt Gourley]

Like, I think you're working your mouth.

[Sona Mofsesi]

You're working your way.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, I should read the line before it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Here.

[Matt Gourley]

Here we go. Unsure.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm always unsure in these situations. What's happening?

[Matt Gourley]

Unsure. Precisely. When Conan sprang her breasts free. Mouth stalling at her clavicle, Conan rose, eyes and ocean churning with uncertainty and craving.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Okay, can we.

[Matt Gourley]

Excuse me, ma'am. How rough do you like it?

[Conan O'Brien]

No.

[Matt Gourley]

Blinking exhalations audible, Lolly studied him in silence, features set. I want to.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I can't Can I just say one thing?

[Jesse Eisenberg]

Stop.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I say one thing?

[Matt Gourley]

I just wanted to stop.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I always.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Can I.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I say one thing? I always pause at the clavicle. Do you?

[Matt Gourley]

That's your move?

[Conan O'Brien]

That's your signature move? My signature move is the clavicle pause.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is. Stop it.

[Matt Gourley]

I'm not going to read.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm just saying.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I'm going to fucking punch your. Matt.

[Conan O'Brien]

Matt literally cannot stop. Matt, you're getting turned on.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Shut up.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's getting turned on.

[Matt Gourley]

I didn't know you had a fork to dig.

[Conan O'Brien]

Who cares? It's more of a sport.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It needs to stop now.

[Matt Gourley]

I'm just saying this gets a fork highly.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's good for if you want yogurt after salad. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. I'm stopping you. You've got it.

[Matt Gourley]

I'm not starting me. I'm not going to read this. This stuff is.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, then stop. You keep doom scrolling out loud.

[Matt Gourley]

I want to know what's going on.

[Conan O'Brien]

Just put it down, man. Hey, step away from the phone.

[Matt Gourley]

You have command of your faculties.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I need to leave. I quit. I have to quit right now.

[Conan O'Brien]

First of all, you brought this up.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I am done.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you gave this person a forum.

[Sona Mofsesi]

I know, and his girlfriend was really nice and I thought, hey, this is fun.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what? It's nice to be appreciated. Let's put it that way.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And can you guys just be quiet?

[Matt Gourley]

I'm trying to read.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Oh, God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, I'm gonna end the segment. Yes, but thank. I'm glad that you hosted the Armenian Mama event.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It's the Pasadena Armenian Festival.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Sona Mofsesi]

It was a lovely day.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, it sounds like these people really care about your cult. Sona's there. We can read her our smut. Well, anyway, thanks for caring and for sharing to our fans. Put that down. Put the phone down. I want to hear the page turner. Oh, God.

[Matt Gourley]

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourlay produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross and Nick Music Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign [e-mail] Conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm Elliot Kalin and I cannot wait to tell you all about the new podcast I'm hosting for Smartless Media. It's called Smartless Presents Clueless, a bite sized twice weekly game show with a different main game and cliffhanger puzzle every single episode. And all this season, the contestant will always be Sean Hayes. That's the Clueless promise. Since you never know what the game will be, you won't want to miss a single episode. Listen and follow wherever you get your podcast.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

What's your boldest, truly ambitious life goal? Everyone has one and everyone deserves a.

[Sona Mofsesi]

Way to get there.

[Jesse Eisenberg]

That's why Estate street offers a wide variety of ETFs to give all investors.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jesse Eisenberg]

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[Conan O'Brien]

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