Kevin Nealon Returns Once More

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Kevin Nealon Returns Once More"

Podcast: Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend
Release Date: February 9, 2026
Host: Conan O’Brien, with Sona Movsesian and Matt Gourley
Guest: Kevin Nealon

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Episode Overview

This episode welcomes back comedian Kevin Nealon, known for his iconic SNL run, dry wit, and offbeat stories. As old friends and former colleagues, Conan and Kevin engage in a hilariously self-deprecating, tangential conversation full of inside jokes, gentle ribbing, and honest reflection. The duo navigates topics from failed attempts at sincerity to plugging Kevin’s latest work, all the while exploring the complexities of friendship, professional insecurity, aging in comedy, and the emotional costs of a public persona.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening and Friendship Dynamics

• Kicking off with Nothingness: Kevin opens with:
  “My name is Kevin Nealon, and I feel nothing about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.” (00:03)
  • He jokes about being “dead inside,” setting a sardonic, self-aware tone.
• Acknowledging Their Flaws:
  • Both reflect on the difficulty of forming real relationships in showbiz, especially ones transcending bits and personas.
  • Conan: “You and I are not real people. And when we encounter each other, it’s like two AI chipmunks having it out in a five way.” (05:59)

2. Life Skills and Alternate Jobs

• What Would You Do Without Showbiz? (00:40, 02:35, 04:28, 52:27)
  • The group ponders life without entertainment careers.
  • Conan doubts his real-world job skills, joking he’d “starve to death.”
  • Sona admits she’d work at Costco, loving the vibe and benefits (52:33).
  • Gourley would turn to interior design consultation or construction (56:00).

3. Kevin’s Standup Special and the Story of “Loose in the Crotch”

• Plugging the Special:
  • Kevin’s new standup, "Loose in the Crotch," available on YouTube via the 800 Pound Gorilla platform (07:13, repeated 11:48, 20:01).
• Origin of the Title:
  • Comes from a beloved but “not a cat person” relationship with his late cat Pierre and a magical pair of jeans:
    “These jeans were like the perfect fitting jeans... snug in the hips, tight in the butt, and loose in the crotch.” (09:13)
  • Humorously admits missing the jeans more than the cat (10:03).

4. On Real Conversations

• Serial Avoidance of Sincerity:
  • Both men express discomfort with real, honest conversations.
  • Conan: "Whenever we get together, just the two of us...it's the same bullshit. You and I don’t want to have a real conversation. I know I don't. It would terrify me. And I don't think you do either." (12:24)

5. “The McCartney Incident”

• Cockblocking With Paul McCartney:
  • Kevin recalls inadvertently “blocking” Conan’s opportunity to converse with McCartney at the SNL 50th event (13:43).
  • Admits to “revenge blocking” due to years of similar experiences, but then is awkward and realizes McCartney probably doesn’t remember him (14:09-17:43).
  • Notable line:
    “When you’re talking to someone you don’t want to talk to and you scrape them off your shoe. That’s what we call ‘the Nealon.’” (17:46)

6. Kevin's Art and Caricatures

• Transition into Visual Art:
  • Conan lauds Kevin’s caricature skills, asking why there’s no second book and wishing for a caricature of himself (20:33).
  • Kevin surprises Conan with a painting (24:02), leading to a chorus of genuine praise from Sona and Matt.
  • For visuals, they direct listeners: “You can go to eamcoco podcasts on Instagram to see this painting.” (24:32)

7. Physical Comedy and Body Image

• On Sneezing:
  • Extended riff on how men “weaponize” sneezing for maximum household disruption (27:58–28:49).
• Fitness Fixations:
  • Both reminisce about chasing physical perfection, long legs, and the comedy of never quite getting there (35:30–36:09).

8. The Bit About "Rooting" for Each Other

• Comic Insecurity:
  • Conan repeatedly asks, “Do you root for me?” (34:10)
  • Nealon jokingly remarks, “You’re a lost cause, my friend.” (35:24) and reflects on their mutual inability to self-validate.
  • Matt notes: “You guys both want each other to root for yourselves.” (45:05)

9. Aging in Comedy / What Comes Next

• Facing Irrelevance:
  • Both question their place as older comics among a new generation (37:09–38:01).
  • Nealon: “I've got to that point. I like what I'm doing and, you know, I'm not chasing it anymore...I think I'm pretty good.” (38:01)

10. Plugs and Self-Promotion as a Running Gag

• Meta-Jokes on Plugs:
  • Kevin gets several “plugs” in for his work, his Shopify store (KevinNealonArt.com), and a new documentary ("Come See Me in a Good Light" on Apple TV) – each noted and ribbed by Conan.
  • Conan keeps count of Kevin’s plugs for comedic effect (23:13, 31:15, 41:45).
  • Example:
    “How many more plugs does he get?” (23:13)

11. The Modern Comedian’s Dilemma

• Selling Out for Sponsored Content:
  • Conan recalls Kevin’s pharmaceutical commercial plug during a previous late-night spot, which Kevin slipped into a sincere conversation.
    Conan: “You did a commercial and you worked it into our conversation… I was asking you about your health and then you look into a camera and say, just make sure it's the right medication for you.” (48:08–49:05)
  • Kevin: “That was a really, really disgusting and self-promotional thing. But you know what? It made my life better.” (50:58)

12. Psychological Mirrors and Mutual Projection

• Gourley Diagnoses the Room:
  • Matt observes that Conan and Kevin endlessly project—and critique—their own neuroses through each other (42:37).
  • Conan: “You are me, and I am you… Now you and I are both sick in the exact same way. It's fascinating.” (43:52, 44:46)

13. Closing – The Futility and Beauty of Their Rapport

• Summing Up:
  • Despite the verbal fencing, the episode ends on a note of mutual respect—if still playfully fraught.
  • Kevin: “Next time I come, can we please just talk like we’re normal people?” (51:44)
    Conan: “Not gonna happen, Kevin Nealon.” (51:49)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Kevin Nealon Opening Deadpan:
  “I feel nothing about being Conan O'Brien's friend...I'm dead inside.” (00:03)
• Conan, on Comic Personas:
  "You and I are not real people. And when we encounter each other, it’s like two AI chipmunks having it out in a five way.” (05:59)
• Kevin, Origin of ‘Loose in the Crotch’: "These jeans were like the perfect fitting jeans...snug in the hips, tight in the butt, and loose in the crotch most of the time. That's where 'loose in the crotch' comes from.” (09:13)
• Kevin on Celebrity Interactions:
  “When you’re talking to someone you don’t want to talk to and you scrape them off your shoe. That’s what we call ‘the Nealon.’" (17:46)
• Conan on Plugs:
  “How many more plugs does he get?” (23:13)
• Sona’s Dream Job if Not in Showbiz:
  "I would work at Costco. Why is everyone laughing?...Costco is one of my favorite places in the whole world.” (52:42)
• Conan on Modeling:
  "I mean, one thing I could do is model...I have very long legs. Walking down the runway.” (57:32)
• Matt Gourley diagnoses projection:
  “You’re accusing him of those things that you might as well be pointing in a mirror...” (42:46)
• Conan’s Self-Awareness:
  “You are me, and I am you. And I’ve told you this a million times.” (43:52)
• Closing Ping-Pong:
  Kevin: “Next time I come, can we please just talk like we’re normal people?” (51:44)
  Conan: “Not gonna happen, Kevin Nealon.” (51:49)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:03 — Kevin opens with “I feel nothing… dead inside.”
• 05:59 — Conan: “two AI chipmunks having it out in a five way.”
• 07:13 — Kevin plugs “Loose in the Crotch.”
• 10:03 — Kevin: “I miss those jeans more than Pierre.”
• 13:43-17:43 — The Paul McCartney “blocking” story
• 24:02 — Kevin reveals a caricature of Conan
• 27:58-28:49 — Wild sneezing bit
• 34:10 — Conan’s “Do you root for me?” sequence
• 41:45 — Matt points out projection in their banter
• 52:33 — Sona’s Costco answer
• 56:00 — Gourley’s alternate career ideas

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Tone and Language

The episode is richly sarcastic, affectionate, self-effacing, and in constant comic motion. The exchanges alternate between harshly honest, downright silly, and unexpectedly poignant, mirroring the long history and complicated affection between Conan and Kevin.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode is less about a linear interview and more an exercise in mutual comic therapy, punctuated by wry observations on art, aging, friendship, and the comedy grind. It’s also a showcase for Nealon’s unique comedic style and endless willingness to poke fun at both himself and his host—while reminding listeners that the best friendships sometimes thrive on a little bit of mutual dysfunction.

Transcript

[A]

My name is Kevin Nealon, and I feel nothing about being Conan o' Brien's friend.

[B]

You feel nothing?

[A]

Nothing at all. I'm dead inside.

[B]

Fall is here Hear the yell Back to school Ring the bell Brand new shoes Walking blues Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can we are gonna be friends hey, everybody, and welcome to Conan o' Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sonam Obsessian.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And Matt Gourley. Hello. We were just talking about this a second ago. It's occurred to me a bunch that if I was turned out into the real workforce now, as I am with my. Whatever I'm gonna call them, skills, just to be generous to myself, I would not be able to get any job. And I do think. No, I'm being serious here. I don't. Yeah, yeah. If you could wave a magic wand and people, first of all, if they didn't know who I was, that might be an advantage. But if I was thrown out into the world and I don't have the ability to go, hey, maybe you've seen some of my videos on YouTube or whatever. You can watch me in the old days, come on, let me work here at this bar. If I didn't have that to work with and I just had to go by my skills, I think I would starve to death. And I'm wondering. I mean, history teacher, I think, you.

[C]

Know, you could do it. You could be a history teacher.

[B]

Yeah, but they have to know I don't have a. I'm not disciplined about it. I like to read all that stuff, and I have a lot of weird knowledge. But I can't teach a class, and I shouldn't teach a class.

[D]

You'd give everyone A's. You'd just feel bad. I feel like if you read it, you'd be like, oh, they tried.

[B]

Except if a kid was really dumb, I'd really go after him and I'd try and. No, I mean, after school, I'd, like, follow him and then.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I thought you meant to kill you. I'll get you. I'll kill you. I'd put a bag over my head, you know, Let me get you.

[D]

You think all, gee, Mr. O', Brien.

[B]

Why you have that bag on your head? It's so. And then I forget that, oh, the McDonald's wrote my name on the bag as they passed it.

[D]

You think that's the only thing that would conceal you is the bag?

[B]

Yeah, okay. I'd have a bag on my head. But I'd be wearing a original Late Night with Conan o' Brien shirt. And I'd have written on it. This is mine. Because I'm the host in indelible ink. Gee, Mr. O', Brien, why do you have that bag on your.

[C]

Before you were known, did you have any, like, entry level regular jobs that weren't in the industry or anything like that?

[B]

Well, I. As we know, I worked at Wilson's House of Suede and Leather. I was a camp counselor. You can go back. I mean, a lot of my stuff was not. I don't have real skills in the world, and this. This is a problem. And I. Look, I'm gonna say that about myself, but I'm questioning, like, Sona.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I think if you. When I. When I met you, you were a very hardworking, efficient, knowledgeable person. I'm being serious.

[D]

Why are you laughing? I was.

[C]

I know where this is going.

[B]

No, but listen. But then I saw you rot so quickly. This is where I knew. I mean, seriously, rot just fall apart. Because suddenly, oh, there's lots of free white wine around in network events, and. And suddenly you're just getting paid to be on camera and tell me to fuck off. What I'm saying is her true skill. Could you. Well, let's say. And what I'm doing with this exercise is saying you cannot. You cannot go into entertainment or anything like that. You have to get a job where they don't know who you are. You can't trade on the fact that you might be a known person. And for you, you can't do anything podcast related.

[C]

Thank God.

[B]

What would you do?

[D]

I actually think about this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You should, by the way. Wait.

[C]

There's a reason you're bringing this up also.

[D]

The fact that you took no responsibility in what happened to me and how I've devolved as a person. You are a circus clown. And so no part of my job is ever serious. And I realized early on my job was to be fodder for your bits. And so everything else just fell by the wayside. So it's your fault.

[B]

So it's my fault. Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So no doubt I have contributed.

[D]

You're right. The wine helped.

[B]

You always have to see your own hand in things.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And you rotted so quickly.

[D]

I did.

[B]

Guys, guys, guys. Hold on. Hold on a second.

[A]

What?

[B]

All right, let's continue this discussion because I want real answers later in this presentation. What do you think?

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I think that's a great idea. So, to be continued. For the segment at the end of this Episode.

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[C]

Sounds good.

[B]

My guest today is a hilarious comedian and a very good friend of mine whose new standup special, Loose in the Crotch, is available on YouTube. The podcast always goes off the rails when he's here. It's always a beautiful disaster. So I'm looking forward to this. Kevin Nealon, welcome. I met you in the beginning of 1988. I was in the writers room at Saturday Night Live, and you walked in with Dana, and I was very excited to meet you.

[A]

I feel like I have Alzheimer's and you're trying to remind me of what happened.

[B]

Your name was Kevin Nealon.

[A]

Really?

[B]

And you were a comedian at the time, and then you got out of that.

[A]

I did.

[B]

You're more into real estate now. No, I am thrilled. No, real estate's very lucrative.

[A]

I don't know when he's kidding or not.

[B]

I am thrilled that you're here and for you to say you feel nothing after all these years of us being very close. Very close.

[A]

I'll tell you why I said that. Because I've felt everything already, and there's nothing more to feel about you. Hate, anger, jealousy, all of that.

[B]

I'm determined today to keep this thing running smoothly.

[A]

Can we please, in the past, have some kind of a conversation?

[B]

In the past, we've had difficulties. You and I are not real people. And when we encounter each other, it's like two AI Chipmunks having it out in a five way.

[A]

You mean you.

[B]

No, no, no. You, too. You know that you have a problem. You don't look me in the eye.

[A]

I can constantly look you in your eye. Just one eye there.

[B]

Two of them. That's the problem. You just look at one eye.

[A]

I don't look at the other eye. It's not a good eye. You know that.

[B]

Thrilled you're here. Thrilled you're here. And you were just down the street. I wasn't able to join you. You kindly invited me, and you were sitting with some heavy hitters, and.

[A]

Of course, I always sit with heavy hitters.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Normally when I do a podcast, I get together with the host beforehand and kind of, you know, break bread, and we kind of talk about what we're going to talk about, but I didn't.

[B]

Want to do that.

[A]

A lot of prep on this podcast.

[B]

I didn't want to do that. No, no. We're going in as we always do. Hot, hot. We're coming in hot. How are you? You're on the road a lot. I know. You're constantly on the go. You have a new Special coming out. I mean, this is. These are exciting times.

[A]

These are really exciting times. I got a lot of things I want to talk about here. So when you're done pussyfooting around, let's get down to it.

[B]

Just a little more p. Pudding.

[A]

No, things are going well. I am very busy. I'm doing a lot of standup comedy, and I'm really at the top. As Gary Shanley used to say, Cameron, you're at the top of your game.

[B]

Yeah, well, you are. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. I know you're.

[A]

We're talking about pickleball, right?

[B]

No, no, no, we're not doing that.

[A]

We're not doing that. Let's not do that.

[B]

You disarmed my. I was gonna seriously say, I think you're one of the best standup comedians I know consistently for. For many, many, many years. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. You're just. You're a winner. And if you were a hot dog, you'd be a wiener. This is why. This is why I'm at the bottom of your game. At the bottom of my game. That reminds me, a really funny cartoon I saw once is a hot dog opening his mail, and it said, he's at the little mailbox.

[A]

And by the way, I love food jokes.

[B]

Excuse me. And the caption is, you may already be a wiener. That's such a good one. I love that. That's a good one.

[A]

That's a good one. Yeah, I like that one.

[B]

All right. Oh, glass of water. What's going on? How are you, buddy?

[A]

I'm doing great. How many times you going to ask me that?

[B]

How are you?

[A]

I'm doing really well.

[B]

How you doing?

[A]

Like, you know, we come right out of the gate. I do have a special coming out. It's called loosen the crotch.

[B]

Loose in the crotch. Now, can you tell us what that's all about? The title you can give.

[A]

I will give you.

[B]

I know it's a material you don't want to waste here because it's.

[A]

I will go to the home special if you want. Right now. I have it memorized. I prefer that Loosen the crotch comes from a cat I used to have named Pierre. And I love this cat so much. And I'm not a cat person, you know? I mean, I don't like cats, to be honest with you.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I wish them, well, success, but I'm not a cat person.

[B]

What kind of success do you want?

[A]

Any kind of cat success. Yeah. I got it. Yeah.

[B]

In the cat tree one day.

[A]

Cat tree, maybe, you know, prove some good hairballs. You know something that's good.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So this cat was amazing. He was just so friendly. And I loved him. I loved him. This is 10 years ago he passed away, and I had a pair of jeans at the same time. And these jeans were like the perfect fitting jeans. You know how you get a pair of jeans once in a lifetime and you just love them?

[B]

It's that magical pair. It's that magical pair.

[A]

I know it's hard for you because you have long legs like me. Like me. And so I found these jeans. They were snug in the hips, tight in the butt, and loosen the crotch most of the time. That's where the loose in the crotch comes from.

[B]

Most of the time. You mean if you became aroused, they weren't loose anymore?

[A]

Well, no, I didn't say that. I said if you put them in the hot dryer. You know, I don't know where your mind's going, but. Can I finish? May I finish?

[B]

I know exactly where my mind went, but yeah, go ahead.

[A]

So he loved those jeans. Whenever I sat down, he would jump up on those jeans. He wouldn't get off. And so when he died, I thought it might be nice to wrap him up in those jeans and bury him. Make me feel good at least, you know? But that cat. You never met Pierre?

[B]

I don't think so. No.

[A]

He was the best 10 years ago. I still miss him, but not as much as those jeans.

[B]

So you miss the jeans more than Pierre?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you regret wrapping Pierre in those jeans?

[A]

Oh, big time. I regret it big time. If I could do it again, I would not.

[B]

Quick question. Yeah.

[A]

Where are you from?

[B]

Where is he buried?

[A]

Oh, he's buried in Arlington.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Buried with full military owners, of course. I'm guessing the cat must have served in what, theater, Afghanistan?

[A]

No, Cineplex. But no, he.

[B]

He.

[A]

He's done everything. This cab. In fact, that's how he died.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

He was on a special mission.

[B]

Okay, I see. That's. Yeah. So died in the line of duty. Buried with full military honors wrapped in your jeans at Arlington.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Incredible. This is an incredible story.

[A]

And, you know, my wife was telling me a couple of years ago that I was jeans were looking a little tight on me. I said, I've been wearing the same jeans for 30 years. She goes, well, you believe what you want to believe. So, yeah, I prove a point. So I dug up my cat, Pierre, and I Unraveled those jeans from him. Cat hair everywhere. I tried those jeans on and guess what?

[B]

What?

[A]

Little tight.

[B]

That's the big O. Henry ending.

[D]

Just a little tight.

[B]

De Niro. A little bit.

[A]

That cat that lost so much weight. Conan. Good for him. About a healthy amount of weight.

[B]

Yeah, that happens when you.

[A]

Not an unhealth.

[B]

Okay. Of course.

[A]

So, yeah, it's called loose in the crotch.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's going to be on YouTube January 27th. It's premiering on the 800 pound gorilla platform.

[B]

Very good.

[A]

You're not writing that down.

[B]

I don't have to. It's all right here.

[A]

Sona. To remember for you.

[B]

YouTube. The 800 pound gorilla platform. I listen to everything you say.

[A]

What's the date?

[B]

You said March 11th.

[A]

Oh, January 27th. What's the name of my.

[B]

Say it slowly. January. You just said January 27th. January 27th. If you're gonna make sure that you get the plug in, make sure you do it correctly. The cat's name is Pierre. Buried full military honors.

[A]

I think we're done.

[B]

No, I think we're done. We're gonna keep going. I did not despair.

[A]

Yes. January 27th.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's gonna be on YouTube on the 800 pound gorilla platform.

[B]

Okay, yeah, you're just repeating yourself now.

[A]

Now, what was the name of my cat?

[B]

Pierre. And buried in.

[A]

And he was a nice cat.

[B]

Yeah. Listen, Kevin.

[A]

Still talking. I just wanna have a conversation. No, you don'.

[B]

You don't want a conversation with me. You and I, even when we get together, just the two of us, there's no microphones. There's no Sona laughing. There's no Gorely looking worried. Whenever we get together, just the two of us, it's the same bullshit. You and I don't want to have a real conversation. I know I don't. It would terrify me. And I don't think you do either.

[A]

Here's something that I do. I don't know if you do this as well, but you said just the two of us. I automatically think of the song.

[B]

Just the two of us.

[A]

Just the two of us no matter.

[B]

What you say we can make it if we try. Just the two of us.

[A]

I didn't know you couldn't sing. Come on, man. Let's just do this. What are you writing down over here?

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

You have a diary.

[B]

I just wrote something off, which was my career.

[A]

Are you keeping your talk?

[B]

You took me out of the game. You took me out of the game. That was brutal. That was a brutal takedown.

[A]

But the standup is going great, and a lot of.

[B]

Let me ask you a question. I saw some press recently. You shut off your big mouth about going to the SNL 50th, and you said, I cock blocked Conan O' Brien with Paul McCartney. And it got a lot of ink. I mean, I saw this everywhere. And by everywhere, I saw it on one site, and I'm still looking, but it was everywhere.

[A]

Have I been on the show since then?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. Can we talk about that?

[B]

Yeah. Do you feel badly about it?

[A]

Horrible.

[B]

But you did it on purpose. I'm at the Plaza hotel, and there's McCartney. We've encountered each other many times over the years. We start having a nice chat, a really nice chat, and then you come sailing in and block me with Paul McCartney. You know, I'm a huge Beatles fan. Why'd you do that?

[A]

Well, let's back up a little bit.

[B]

How far are we going?

[A]

Down to the 60s, 1960s.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I experienced that same thing. That's why I felt horribly about it. I was talking to people, and they, you know, another day, another. The night before, and people just coming and interrupting me like I was nothing and just taking over the conversation. I'm just standing there. So when I did that to you, it was kind of like a revenge thing.

[B]

A revenge revenge, but not against me, because I hadn't done that to you.

[A]

Yeah, but somebody's got to take it. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, did you have something good to talk to McCartney about?

[A]

Nothing. But I used to. We used to be kind of friendly when I was on the show. And he was there because we're both kind of animal activists and. And we talked a lot about that. And Linda McCartney sat at my table when. At that other reunion. And so, you know, we had a lot of discussions and stuff. So I saw him. I got, oh, he's gonna be happy to see me. So I kind of come into the conversation with you guys, and you step back like you should have.

[B]

Yeah, I'm nice that way. I created a space for you, which I now regret.

[A]

I regret it, too, because it made it look like you got pushed out.

[B]

Also, I was at a great point in the conversation. McCartney said to me, I'm thinking of putting another band together. Would you like to be part of it? And all I had to do was say yes, and I was gonna be part of his next band. He said, I think it'll be the biggest one I've ever had. And I said, is that his ghost?

[A]

It was the Ghost of McCartney's Ghost?

[B]

Yeah, it's the Ghost of McCartney. And he said, you know, I'm gonna be three other ghosts that visit you tonight, the other Beatles. And you better become a better person in the morning and realize the true meaning of Christ. But anyway.

[A]

All right, so let me continue.

[B]

I'm gonna do more on my bit.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's McCartney as one of the ghosts. And the other ghosts are, of course, Lennon and Ringo Starr. And then the twist is, it's not Harrison. Oh, yeah. It's Harry Belafonte. Harry Belafonte. Okay, go ahead.

[A]

So you step back, all of a sudden, it's me and Paul now. And I go, hey, Paul, how you doing? You know, good. The ghost had come back, and I really had nothing to say to him.

[B]

You had nothing?

[A]

It was amazing. And I know that he's standing there getting so much small talk all night long, I'm surprised he's out on the. But people are coming up to him, and I'm standing next to him, and I. I'm sensing that he doesn't remember who I was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and he made a face.

[B]

At me, like, what do I do? That's what he did. And he said, get security.

[A]

Wait till you hear what he did.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I. I say to him, that was a good choice of a song to do. Golden Slumbers. I think. Well, you know, Lone wanted me to do it. Yeah. Okay. Okay. But you guys had other songs you could fall back on, right? And nothing. Nothing. Kind of like Now Crickets. Maybe it's my fault.

[B]

If only he had one other hit, they could have pulled back on you.

[A]

So anyway, shortly thereafter. And by the way, the whole time I'm looking out his mouth, thinking, that's the lips where. Hey Jude. All those songs came out of, you know, And I'm kind of looking at it, and then I see the tongue once in a while. I go, that's the tongue. That's the tongue that pushed the music out.

[B]

This was such a.

[A]

This was a. I didn't say that to him.

[B]

It was so creepy. Yeah.

[A]

No, but I.

[B]

You. I could see you just staring into his mouth. And he. Guess what? He could see it, too. You were looking into his mouth as he was talking?

[A]

No, I look at the lips, the way they formed the words. I said that was a word he used in hey Jude. And then finally he goes to me, he said, oh, there's my niece, a nephew. He goes, let me introduce you to my nephew. So he brings me over to, like, four tall guys, you know, like, Executives, they look like. And he parks me there. He stands for, like, three seconds, then he's gone.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He just did the handoff for me. I knew when he went.

[B]

You know what that's called? That's called the kneeling. When you're talking to someone you don't want to talk to and you scrape them off your shoe. That's what we call it. Because we all do it to you. Because you look at our mouths when we're talking, and it's creepy. None of us can take it. I've scraped you off my shoe many a time. I've said, hey, look, there's my niece and my nephew. And then I walk over, and it's a fire hydrant and a letterbox, and I just leave you there.

[A]

Hey, come on. Let's get off of this whole thing. Let's talk serious for a minute. Okay?

[B]

Okay. It's. Seriously. But anyway, go ahead.

[A]

No, it's not. It's however you say it. Have you read texts. Texes lately?

[B]

What?

[A]

Texts.

[B]

Have you read texts?

[A]

What happened lately? Nobody uses pronunciation or punctuation.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Do you know what I mean? You know how they finish it?

[B]

A smiley face emoji just came out of your mouth.

[A]

All right, so what.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

So that's what happened with Paul McCarty.

[B]

Yeah. No, we.

[A]

You're still reeling.

[B]

We understood that. We moved on from that. You didn't need to then say, oh, and by the way, that was the end of that story. That's a sign that something's not working out for you.

[A]

Why are you so angry?

[B]

I. You know, I'm gonna say something. Bill Burr said this to you recently.

[A]

I love Bill Burr, who makes a comic.

[B]

He's a hilarious comic. He's a wonderful fellow.

[A]

Angry.

[B]

Guess what he revealed about you. He said, everyone thinks you're a nice guy.

[A]

Really.

[B]

But you're really pretty toxic, and you are. There's a lot. Bill Burr said it about him that's really saying something. You know what? You come across as this beautiful, you know, delicious, red delicious apple. But there's little razor blades in there with Kevin, Neal, and jibs and jabs. You see it too, right? He knows how to dice and slice with the best of them. There's some anger coming out of you. I know there is.

[A]

I love how you end it with a sip of coffee.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If that's what that is, that's coffee. Yeah. No, I appreciate it. I appreciate you. First of all, let's go back recognizing that I am a good comic.

[B]

You're a great Comic.

[A]

You're one of the greatest comic special, by the way.

[B]

It's called Loosen the crotch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your cat's name was Pierre.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's going to be on YouTube and it's coming out in January.

[A]

What?

[B]

Well, that's where it gets interesting.

[A]

That's not interesting, it's sad. It gets sad because you can't remember.

[B]

That's the 27th. You know how I remember that?

[A]

Yeah. So that helped you.

[B]

No, I remember because two plus seven is nine.

[A]

What, what platform will it be on?

[B]

What's that?

[A]

What platform? YouTube.

[B]

I told you it's gonna be on YouTube. On the 800 pound gorilla. Yes, yes, I do listen to you.

[A]

How long is it special?

[B]

Well, according to some critics, too long. I said it was an extra 20 minutes. You didn't need. There was a whole part where you were just talking about airline food. No one needed that. I. I've always revered you, you know that. Don't start doing a bit with the water glass.

[A]

I'm listening to you.

[B]

No, you're not. You're doing, you're working. You're more worried about your bit with the water glass than you're.

[A]

Why is everything a bit for you?

[B]

It's not a bit.

[A]

Why are you so defensive?

[B]

Like I'm a pretty serious guy when you think about it. You are multi talented. You really are. You're hilarious comic. And then you do this thing, you come out of the blue a couple of years ago, you, not that long ago, and I guess you were developing this in private. You come out with these caricatures and they're fantastic. And you did a book of caricatures and they're really amazing. And whenever you call me, the image that comes up is your caricature of yourself. You're very talented at this. And I just wanted to doff my cap to you and wonder why. Still no second book. The first book was great. And I keep waiting for you to do a caricature of me. One of your heroes.

[A]

First of all, I've never had anyone doffed their hat to me. And I appreciate that you don't get.

[B]

Out much then and you also don't travel.

[A]

I don't hang out with people.

[B]

19Th century London. No, but Siri, I love doing the caricatures.

[A]

I've been doing them for, you know, more seriously in the last couple of years. But I used, you know, I sketched you a lot when we were doing. You did, you know, writing Hans and Franz and snl and you would, you.

[B]

Were always in the corner drawing you once drew my shoe. I used to take. I would take. I would wear old man's shoes when I was a writer. Wingtip shoes that I got at secondhand stores, you know, flea markets. I would. If I found a shoe that was my size, I would buy it. This was one of my weird things I did. And I wear jeans and a T shirt and then these old, like, 1950s and 60s shoes. You can relate to this, Gorly.

[C]

Well, I think you'd like me to. But no, you've gone even too far for me.

[B]

I mean, people died in these shoes, and it's like your cat. And so I would wear these shoes. And then sometimes when we were writing, you all do things when you're bored or you're trying to come up with an idea. I would take off one of my shoes and I would put it on the table and just look at it while I was thinking.

[A]

You rearrange it a little bit. Shift it around.

[B]

Yeah. And I would look at this old man's shoe that I wore. And you once sketched me looking at my shoe.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. That, by the way, is. That's like moma. Now, that particular one. Is that moma?

[B]

Is that moma? Yeah.

[A]

So, yeah. So I've been doing a lot of the.

[B]

You invested nothing in that. That lie. You. You. You quickly realize this company's not going to work.

[A]

I'm out. I'm a pro. I hit and run.

[B]

Hit and run.

[A]

You know, let's not lose any time. But people are always asking me, can I buy one of your paintings? And I never was really selling them. I just had the book.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so now I opened up a store on Shopify. Kevin Nealonart.com.

[B]

Is that true? This is your second plug. How many more plugs does he get?

[A]

One more after this.

[B]

He gets two more plugs, says, oh, two more.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, yeah, people can go there and buy my paintings if they like. And it's quite easy. And in fact, I do have one of you. That I did.

[B]

Oh, you did one of me. No, you didn't. Did you really?

[A]

I think you suspected it. No, no.

[B]

I bitched at you for a while because you've never done a proper one of me. And I was a little hurt because you were doing all these. He was. He was doing all these other people you don't even know.

[A]

Like, oh, here's Because I've been to your offices before, and you have so much fan art, so many different caricatures of you and drawings. There's no more orange Paint out there. I can't find any more orange paint.

[B]

Okay, all right.

[A]

That's a good.

[B]

That's a good one.

[A]

Anyway, this is it. And it's my attempt. It's my first attempt.

[B]

You see, Monsieur.

[C]

Oh, my God. That is fucking incredible.

[D]

That is amazing. That is so good.

[B]

Oil. That is amazing.

[C]

That's beautiful.

[D]

Oh, my God, I love that.

[A]

You know how long I had to look at a reference picture of you?

[B]

You can't remember what I know every.

[A]

I got the vein in the wrong.

[B]

Area now that I'm looking, but there's that incipient ivy.

[C]

That's incredible.

[B]

That is really beautiful.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

We should mention that you can go to eamcoco podcasts on Instagram to see this painting.

[A]

But, you know, your hands really would explain that face, because they were like this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know how you kind of.

[B]

Well, you know what I'm trying to do? This is me, I believe last year at the Oscars. And this is at the Oscars. And this is me. I put my hands out sometimes when the crowd's so enjoying my material, I'm afraid they might surge forward.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

And I need to keep them back. Do you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Kevin Nealonart.com.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[B]

This is. That's incredible. Now tell us, what are you using here? Are you using acrylics? Are you using oils? What are you using crayons?

[A]

It's all crammed. Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I'll tell you what I'm using, since you asked me. It's called multimedia. Unique, I believe it's called. So there's different. Different mediums. I sketch and then I do digital, and then I do paint.

[B]

It's really gorgeous.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Are you giving this to me, or is this something I have? No, no.

[A]

Get this on the store.

[B]

Hey, you put this up on the store, this would be huge.

[A]

It's going to be huge, believe me. And by the way, I was going to put something on the back. It's going to say, this belongs to Conan. Do not accept as a re. Gift. Because I know, I know you got a lot of this stuff going on.

[B]

No, I, I just, I. I love that. I think you're. I mean, you're a phenomenal talent across the board. You really are.

[A]

I am. But you know what?

[B]

What?

[A]

I don't like to doff my hat to it.

[B]

It's more cap. You doff your cap, you tip your hat.

[A]

Cap. You don't do a baseball thing.

[C]

No.

[B]

Just know.

[A]

So you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You Want to talk some more about my accomplishments?

[B]

Well, I. Part of the things about the podcast is I.

[A]

Do you know that I used to sketch pictures of Farley?

[B]

Chris Farley.

[A]

Not that Farley. No, Kevin Farley. Farley.

[B]

Such a huge. You know what you want.

[A]

I'm telling the audiences. Chris Farley, black hole.

[B]

I know he's doing waste.

[A]

It was Chris Farley.

[B]

You. You know what? Light can't escape you, and neither can a decent conversation. It all gets sucked into that black maw.

[A]

Here's the problem. We are both magnets, but with opposite polar attraction, and neither one of us wants to be serious with each other because we know what.

[B]

I just. I. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do, you know?

[A]

Well, you know that.

[B]

That was a real sneeze. That was a real sneeze.

[A]

What if came out of there? What if there was snot coming out of there?

[B]

No, I swear to God, I think I'm allergic to this. Whatever we have. I've never sneezed like that on the podcast. And it just came up right there when you couldn't even complete a sentence with me.

[A]

No, no, you couldn't complete the sentence. I gave it to you, and you couldn't complete it. I said, we're two polar opposites, and that's because. And then you sneezed.

[B]

I think we both have similar talents. We occupy the same band in the whole array. If you think of a rainbow, there are many different colors, many different frequencies of light. It's your fault. I'm gonna put this down because I think it's distracting us. And thank you very much for this.

[A]

You don't like it?

[B]

I love it. There's a shredder down there.

[A]

Let's talk about sneezing for a minute. I can make a sneeze really loud.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it's. I scare my family sometimes because I don't have to make it loud, but I can make it, you know, come the. Not the breathing in, but the coming out.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it's a shriek.

[A]

It's like a. Yeah.

[B]

Now, you know, my wife. The whole house freaks out when I sneeze because it's a shriek. It's a loud shriek. Does Tack do this? It's a thing that men do.

[D]

I do it. I'm a loud sneezer.

[B]

You're a loud sneezer.

[D]

I like getting it out.

[B]

No, me too. I want to get it out. I think that's safer. And if you muffle It. I always think I'll get an aneurysm, so I go the other way and I shriek as if I'm being stabbed to death. When I sneeze, you do the same.

[A]

Mine is more like a poo, you know, it's really loud, though, and I'm telling you, it scares me.

[B]

Are you sure you're sneezing? I don't think you're sneezing.

[A]

No, it's a sneeze.

[B]

No, no. I think you own a laser.

[A]

It's like this.

[B]

I swear to God, I don't think you're sneezing. No, no, that's not a sneeze.

[A]

We were walking down the sidewalk in Chicago.

[B]

Who's we?

[A]

Pierre.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

My wife, idiot. Oh, my son and my wife.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Susan and Gable. And I sneezed, and there was a family of four with a stroller in front of us, like maybe five yards in front of us. And I sneezed so loud, everybody jumped. The family turned around. What?

[B]

What?

[A]

And I was kind of embarrassed, so I was looking around like, who did that?

[B]

You couldn't admit it was you?

[A]

No.

[B]

You just brought up your wife and your son. I'm huge fans of theirs. Your wife, likewise, was beautiful. Talking about your wife now. Gorgeous. You know, my wife, very beautiful as well.

[A]

But come on.

[B]

Well, what happens is familiarity breeds contempt. We look at each other every day, and. No, we're both very lucky men, but, my God, your son. I'm going to say his name. Gable. What a handsome, polite young man he is.

[A]

Excellent.

[B]

He is so polite in an old World kind of way. That's a guy who would doff his cap to me if he could afford a cap. You're not a big earner. My point is, he is. He's just an incredible fellow.

[A]

Thank you. And he loves you, too.

[B]

Of course he does.

[A]

He does impressions of you, in fact.

[B]

What?

[A]

He does impressions?

[B]

Well, now I don't like him so much. Are they cruel impressions?

[A]

No, they're right on. He. He finds the little nuances of people. He's a really good mimic. He will come over to you and. And he's doing you to me. He'll come over and grab my shoulders and go, you know, gotta what? I do something like, you know, whatever you say.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'm always getting.

[B]

Muttering, get in there. You know, I like to grab a man by the shoulder and Sona. I like to grab a shoulder. I like to get hands on people. This has caused me problems in the past. Subways. But I like to. When I see A fellow like you, I like to just grab you and take stock of you, see how you're doing.

[A]

And you shake you a little, say something like, what am I gonna do with you?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, what are you gonna do? Well, that's just my inner voice. There's an inner voice, Inner part of me. It's a lot of like pent up anger, rage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna kill you.

[A]

That is true. So my wife and I spent. You brought her up. We are executive producers. I said, I think, you know, on a Sundance winner called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's a documentary.

[B]

This is very.

[A]

Did you see it? Yeah, it's on Apple TV right now.

[B]

And you know what? This is incredible. That's your. I think you're up to three plugs now. You get one more plug.

[A]

I'm gonna recap on some of these too.

[B]

Okay. When you work with your wife, can you get along or do you disagree a lot?

[A]

Oh, no, we get along great. Yeah, she's a good partner.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But the executive producing, it's. It's. We're two of the people. Then there's several others. So it's, it's quite. And it's a great. It's a great documentary and I think you'd be hearing a lot about it.

[B]

Okay, well, you're hearing about it right now. Especially you, because it's another plug.

[A]

When is this coming on, by the way? Will it come on?

[B]

This will be out February 9th. No. Did you think this was going right out?

[A]

I thought it was live. No, I thought February 9th. You know what, a podcast.

[B]

27, right.

[A]

Okay, I could deal with that. What does it cost to do this podcast?

[B]

There's a lot of overhead.

[A]

I know you don't pay attention to that stuff.

[B]

There's a lot of overhead.

[A]

I love this building.

[B]

A great building.

[A]

Do you own it?

[B]

Let's just say.

[A]

Look at me. Look at me.

[B]

I do. I own this building.

[A]

Do you really?

[B]

Yeah. I hate to break it to you, but I. I own a lot of real estate in Los Angeles. I'm the largest landowner in Los Angeles.

[A]

I own buildings.

[B]

No, I just own. I don't own the buildings. And this has been a problem. I did the wrong thing.

[A]

It's hard to get to your land when there's a building on it.

[B]

I buy a small. I bought small pieces of land in and around buildings that I don't own. And I'm talking very small.

[A]

What's your favorite piece of land that you own?

[B]

Catalina.

[A]

Come on. Can we please just have something going on.

[B]

You know what? I'm gonna just ask Listeners get a transcript of this, and I think they're readily available.

[A]

What's the name of the documentary I was talking about? We're not going to come see me in a good light. And it's on Apple TV right now and it's a love story. Conan, if you're interested.

[B]

No, really? Then I guess you and I aren't in it.

[A]

I'm going to give you that one. I'll give you that one.

[B]

What do you mean you'll give me that one? I don't need you to give me anything. My quips are as good as anyone. My quabs, they're right up there with the best. What happened there?

[A]

What was that?

[B]

We're not going to air this. Do you want to not air this one?

[A]

Are you seriously thinking about it?

[B]

I'm thinking about it.

[A]

So it's a real good documentary.

[B]

Don't stop doing that. You keep retreating. You're gonna be back at McCartney soon.

[A]

We got some nephews over there, some nieces. I have plugged everything now.

[B]

Do you root for me? Be honest. Do you root for me? I think you tell me what you think. I think you don't. I think you want me to be destroyed. And then you get to. Come on, give me a hand up. That's what you want to do. Hey, buddy, Just walk it off. You put your hand out. I take it, but then you pull it away and you do that thing where you brush the side of your head. What do you think, Gorly? You seem stunned.

[C]

I'm just stunned by the fact that you would ask someone if they root for you. It's purely pathetic.

[B]

Do you root for me? Pardon me, sir.

[C]

Will you root for me? I could really use someone to root for me.

[B]

I want everyone rooting for me. And that's why I go up to people and say, do you root for me? Do you root for me? Sometimes I'm talking to someone with a terminal illness and I'll say, do you root for me? Do you root for me? And they're like, I have maybe minutes left in this consciousness on this earth, and you're asking me if I root for you? Do you? Do you? Do you root for me?

[D]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

That's what you do right there. You take the bit and you run with it. I like it. That's what it is. I know your stuff. I told you that before.

[B]

So I take a bit and I run with it. That's what most people do.

[A]

I was not Rooting for you. I'm happy for you.

[B]

Thank you. I don't think you are. You once on this furry podcast.

[A]

No, my family love you.

[B]

You cried. You cried saying how surprised you were that I had gotten anywhere.

[A]

Because I was sad for you. I was sad. I really was. Yeah. I think you have trouble accepting that you're so successful.

[B]

Please.

[A]

And you don't believe me.

[B]

You know I'm working my way, keep my head down and doing the best I can. That's all I'm doing.

[A]

I know, but when will you relax and know that you're enough?

[B]

That's not gonna happen.

[A]

And that's sad.

[B]

Not in your life.

[A]

And that's why I stopped rooting for you.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Because you're a lost cause. You're a lost cause, my friend.

[B]

And you do sit ups. I do, actually. I do sit ups, yeah.

[A]

Will you be chasing the six pack forever? Because I know I am.

[B]

I would like to have it once. I'd like to have a six pack.

[A]

I had it once for like five minutes.

[B]

I have a one pack. And then it turned out it was a. It was an inflated bubos. It was a pustulating bubo.

[A]

Inflamed liver.

[B]

Yeah. Have you ever had the perfectly sculpted body?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Long before I met you.

[A]

Oh, God. I got pictures.

[B]

Did you? I mean, you were a physical specimen one day, weren't you?

[A]

Can I show you a picture?

[B]

You've done this. You ask a lot of people this. I ask people.

[A]

I have another painting.

[B]

I ask people, do you root for me and you ask people, do you want to see a picture? You asked me, and it's never gone well for either one of us.

[A]

You asked me if I had a picture.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Let's see your picture.

[A]

It's in my phone. I got a lot of pictures.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They're all of you and then one of me.

[B]

All right, good one.

[A]

Isn't it funny? Like when you have a cell phone.

[B]

You know, before you got me that time. You want to see a picture? Yes, I do. I don't have one. Good one. You've seen. This is Kevin Nealon's act right now. Hey, everybody. Want to see something cool? Yes. Tear me apart while I'm looking at the picture. And that's our show.

[A]

Prove you wrong.

[B]

What are you doing?

[A]

I got an 8 by 10 on here if you want to see that.

[B]

I do.

[A]

This is going to just take too long, man. You just go on. Go on Abercrombie and Fitch. You'll see me on the wall. It's Just too much. It's too long. It'll take too long. I'll send it to you. What's your. Give me your email.

[B]

Sure. Squabble.

[A]

What's your fan only site?

[B]

Rootformemail.net what's the plan, Kevin? You and I have both.

[A]

We've had a good run.

[B]

We've had a good run.

[A]

We've had a great run.

[B]

And what do we do now where, you know, there's a lot of young comics out there. A lot of young people out there coming up with great stuff. Is it time for us to fade away? What do you think the plan is now?

[A]

Well, time now to fade away. No, no.

[B]

This is when you try even harder.

[A]

You pull out the big guns now. Yeah, okay, but you're right, There are a lot of young comics out there and it's you. Okay?

[B]

What is wrong with you?

[A]

It's hard to, you know. You know, you just do what you do. You know, I've been doing what I do for a long time. I've been doing what you do, but nothing happens. You understand?

[B]

Why do you keep covering up your mouth? Is that like. What are you doing?

[A]

It's because.

[B]

Covering up your mouth a lot today.

[A]

Trying to save you embarrassment.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, no, I just. I like what I'm doing and, you know, I've got to that point.

[B]

That crazy sound he just made. Did you hear that?

[C]

The sneeze?

[B]

What's going on here, buddy?

[A]

I see why you need a friend. I like what I do. I'm happy with it. I'm not chasing it anymore. I think I'm pretty good. You know, I'm not pulling punches with myself.

[B]

If you had a few drinks, you just went, I think I'm pretty good. I think I'm pretty good. It just looked like you were like four drinks in. I think I'm pretty good. You're great. One of the greats.

[A]

When you get out on the sidewalk, you can make fun of me.

[B]

You're one of the greats. You are one of the greats.

[A]

How many are there?

[B]

You are the Hundreds, thousands. You are among hundreds of thousands of greats. No, you are a singular talent.

[A]

You don't. What's that funny noise you just made?

[B]

Sorry, I'm trying to say something I don't believe and it's getting stuck in my throat.

[A]

It's like a motorcycle.

[B]

Or not. I'm trying to say something that I don't have a conviction about. You don't do political comedy. You don't lean on the culture. You just get up there. And you talk. You have fantastic, brilliant jokes. You're one of my favorite humorists of all time. You really are. You're great. And you're very. I believe that. And I believe that you are a unique voice and you've never compromised, you know, I mean, occasionally in some advertisement or something, but in your work, in your standup, you've never compromised. And I think that's rare, very rare. And I have great respect for you.

[A]

Appreciate that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now let me tell you a joke I just wrote.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

This is where I think it might be getting a little hacky.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I was in Phoenix last week. I've flown in. I got there. It was a long time to get there because of the cancellation stuff. And I'm going to my hotel room and I'm starving and I'm exhausted, and I see the safe. I thought it was a microwave. I thought, oh, good, the microwave. So I put a frozen Mac in there. I locked it up for six to eight minutes.

[B]

You just thought of that?

[A]

No, I thought about it before and I've honed it down.

[B]

So you thought of it. When did you think of it? How long ago? This is important.

[A]

Like five days ago.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I haven't stopped working on it, and I finally fine tuned it. Yeah. Let me say it again, because you weren't paying attention. So I was really exhausted and I was hungry, and I come into the hotel room and I notice there's a safe off to my peripheral vision, and I go, oh, good. So I. I locked up a frozen Mac and cheese in there for six to eight minutes and I left it in there. And so the next people came in, the woman put her necklace in the safe into the frozen Mac and cheese, period.

[B]

This is a new thing you're on, period. And then they let the audience know. You let the audience know that the joke has been told.

[A]

It's instead of and seen and seen, period.

[B]

I like it. I like it.

[A]

Let's look at the picture again.

[B]

Do you crack yourself up a lot when you think of these things?

[A]

I find myself pretty funny.

[B]

Does your wife think you're funny?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

People. It's so condescending. But people are always saying, if Liza laughs at anything I say, they act amazed.

[A]

But how do you reciprocate with what she does? What. What are you. What is she missing from you? I don't know.

[B]

I haven't thought about that. That's a really.

[A]

Maybe you should think about other people besides yourself.

[B]

That's a good point.

[A]

But I mean, you love her. For a lot of things. No, but you don't show it again. It comes back to you being too insensitive to show your feelings. Let me finish.

[B]

Let me tell you something.

[A]

Let me finish.

[B]

I think Bill Bird's right. You do? What you just said.

[A]

When did you.

[B]

You just said.

[A]

He said that on my hike.

[B]

Yeah, he said hiking with Kevin. Yeah, he said it. And did you hear what he just said?

[C]

Oh, fourth plug.

[A]

That was the last one I got. You said four.

[B]

That's the fourth plug.

[A]

Yeah. You said I got a four.

[B]

Yeah. I didn't think you'd get there. That's incredible.

[A]

Oh, I'm gonna get the six before I leave.

[B]

Okay. Did you see? But he just breathed out. You have so much venom in you. It comes out. But you're a lovely man. I'm gonna say that. You're a lovely guy. And I think you've got a big heart, but. Right. There's little. Just little razor blades in there. Bill Burr is right. You've got these little tiny razor blades.

[A]

He didn't say that to you. He said that on my hike.

[B]

I know. He said it on the hike.

[A]

Yeah, but I was baiting him. I was pushing his buttons to try to get some kind of a Bill.

[B]

Burr reaction, Irish guy from Boston out into the sub. You didn't.

[A]

He's not from Boston.

[B]

You didn't need to bait him.

[A]

He's not from Boston. He's told that many times. He's from the suburbs.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And he got angry because I kept saying he's from Boston.

[B]

I always think that means Boston area. Don't you think that's fair?

[A]

That's what I said.

[B]

Wow. Matt wants no part of this podcast today.

[C]

Just ordering from projecting on each other. Have you noticed that we talked about this last time? Like you're accusing him of those things that you might as well be pointing in a mirror and. Same thing, you guys.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

If I was pointing at a mirror, I'd be pointing at myself.

[A]

That's why you're so angry at me.

[B]

Because you see. So you're saying I'm calling him out on things that are all me.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

There are little razor blades in what.

[C]

I say and vice versa.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So we're kind of the same guy. And that's why these are so weird.

[C]

That's what he's getting to with the magnets. You're the same magnet, but you're polar opposite.

[B]

This is really good. Thank you.

[A]

I'll be back in about an hour.

[B]

You know what we are. Yes. That is why these are so fucking weird and fantastic, disturbing is that it's two of the same people, and we.

[C]

It's kind of Fight Clubby, where you may not know the other one doesn't exist. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You know what I mean. You don't.

[B]

Well, okay, I'm confused. I was confused by that movie.

[A]

I think that if we let our guards down and open ourselves to each other, we'll find out that we're really not worth much as a person. Seriously. It's just. And that's why we keep that wall up, because we don't want to know. I don't want to accept that truth.

[B]

That's true. You are me, and I am you. And I've told you this a million times.

[A]

I saw those words come out of Paul McCartney's mouth.

[B]

You got us back there, didn't you? Would you like to do a plug for Sir Paul?

[A]

What are you thinking about right now? What do you have to do later today?

[B]

No, I was just thinking about how this is kind of revelatory, that we are the same person. And I. I told you this a million times, but it bears repeating. When I, for the first time, to maybe get a job at snl, he asked me who was my favorite cast member. And you were pretty new, but I had seen you do some things on Update, and I said, I like Kevin Nealon. And Lauren kind of made a face like, okay, want another shot at that question? No. He loved you, too. He loved you, too. I'm kidding. But my point.

[A]

If I have to hear that story one more time, it's gonna drive me crazy, but I get it.

[B]

But my point is, I think I was some guy on my couch in late 1987, in my early 20s, looking at someone on TV, and I think I saw something that was in me. That's why I liked you. And now you and I are both sick in the exact same way. It's fascinating.

[C]

You guys both want each other to root for yourselves.

[B]

Yes, I want. And you know what? That's because I want to. Root for me.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

This is fascinating. We are through the looking glass. This is incredible. I want you to root for me because I want to root for me instead of hating me. And that's why you can't finish a sentence with me and all of your, you know. Okay, it's Spam.

[A]

Have you had Spam lately?

[B]

We're not completely alike. There are some crucial differences.

[C]

I threw a hole in my theory just now.

[A]

I think I agree with you.

[B]

I had spam Summer camp. At summer camp, they used to cut off slices of ham and put it in when I was up there in the woods in New Hampshire and fry it up. And I remember looking at the Spam cooking and then looking at my red freckled arm and thinking, those look the same. Seriously, That's a real memory.

[A]

Did they put brown sugar in it? Because that helps with anything. My father used to cook everything with brown sugar. Spam, bacon.

[B]

It's amazing. I thought I had just cracked this elemental thing. If you had been in the room with Einstein when he was sitting there at the patent office, and he said, wait a minute. Maybe E equals MC squared, and maybe everything is relative and the speed of light, you would have cut him off. You would have cut him off and said, do you really think a bidet works? I'd be like a bidet. Like a Japanese toilet. Do you think those really work? I mean, isn't the toilet doing most of the work? Aren't we supposed to do some of the work? What's it like? I say that. I say equals. Wait, what was it? I forget now.

[A]

What about Spam? You ever have Spam?

[B]

You ever have Spam? Did it look like your own?

[A]

No. Because whenever we go on a hike together and we're doing my little hike on YouTube, hiking with Kevin, you are always, like, looking so like. This is all so ridiculous. This whole notion of hiking and talking to somebody and the drone, it's just, what am I doing here? Okay, let's go.

[B]

When I did the second hiking with Kevin, you had this drone. You devoted so much time to getting these drone shots that are the most unimpressive drone shots you'll ever see. They're taken from ladder height. If we had brought a ladder, we would get the same shot. And you kept having this thing go up. I think you have separation anxiety from your drone. You wanted it only to be, like, 2ft away from us at all times. And you spent forever fucking around with the drone and then packing it up and putting it back in its little backpack. And you would go along, and then you'd release it again, but not too high, just up to here. And you'll get.

[A]

Bill Burr loved the drone. He loved the drone, man.

[B]

He's a suburban guy.

[A]

You really found it ridiculous. And yet you never say no to me.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

And I do love you for.

[B]

You know why? Because I do love you. And I do feel bad, and I do love myself.

[A]

Then I do feel badly sometimes asking you for things.

[B]

No, you don't.

[A]

I do. Because I'm thinking, when is he gonna say no? When is he gonna say no?

[B]

I, I'm. I'm a sucker for this guy. I'll do anything that you'll really.

[A]

Because I got a couple of asks for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kevinielanart.com no, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be one of those people who just plugs things for the rest of this thing. Let's just talk about.

[B]

You were on my show and we were having what I thought was a real conversation and then I asked you about your health and you started to talk about yeah, well, I had afib and I'm like, oh, that's really rough. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, and this is on the talk show. And then you said, yeah, but you know, so you gotta, you know, make sure that you get the medicine and just. And then you looked into camera away from me and said, just check with your doctor, make sure it's the right medicine for you. And I felt this chill go through my spine and I went, okay, Kevin Yan, everybody. Band plays I said, what the hell was that? And you went, well, if I don't say that part, I don't get paid. And I went, what? What? You did a commercial and you worked it into our conversation. I don't care about your deal. I was asking you about your health and then you look into a camera and say, just make sure it's the right medication for you.

[A]

No, I said check with your doctor first to make sure it's the right medication for you.

[B]

I'm sorry I butchered. Well, I said I worked on that.

[A]

Line for a long time. So here's the thing.

[B]

It was such a weird, sad moment for me. I don't even know you're gonna. At the end of this, you're gonna look the came. Just make if you lack sincerity, just make sure you take sincero. Net.

[A]

The pharma company said, you know, in your contract, you have to do one late night talk show or any kind of talk show.

[B]

You never told me this. You could have said something.

[A]

That's none of your business.

[B]

You were a guest on my show. I was a guest. You're a friend of mine.

[A]

I'm the guest.

[B]

You shouldn't be the guest. By the end, I'm going to do this thing for a pharmaceutical company. I would have helped you out. I would have said like, wow, you look much better. What's champ different in your life? Well, now I'm on Shabbato.

[A]

Do you know why I didn't? Because I knew you could handle it. I knew you could take care of yourself.

[B]

It was creepy. It was creepy.

[A]

Well, that's creepy.

[B]

It was a betrayal.

[A]

People loved it. They loved that information.

[B]

This audience did stand and cheer and they went, we will check with our doctor to make sure it's the right medication for us. They did. I'll never forget that.

[A]

They did, actually.

[B]

And they said, check with doctor. Check with doctor.

[A]

It all works out.

[B]

And they lifted you up on their shoulders and they took you out. Check with doctor. Check with doctor. Check with doctor. Check with doctor.

[A]

Made a lot of money from that.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

No thanks to you.

[B]

Yeah, little heads up next time.

[A]

Okay, Listen, about that.

[B]

I'm going to wrap this up, okay? Because you're a terrible person. But. And I'm talking to myself, not to you.

[A]

Want to recap anything?

[B]

Yeah. You screwed me over with McCartney. You completely screwed me over on the talk show when you did an ad for some AFIB medication without telling me first. And it was weird and a chill went up my spine.

[A]

But you always send me back after.

[B]

I have a suspicion that you're not going to give me that painting. That you're going to take it and sell it on screw a friend over.net.

[A]

Kevin Neilonhardt.com you're right. That was a really, really disgusting and self promotional promotional thing. But you know what? It made my life better. And I know you're rooting for me. I'd like to be better. Yeah, right. I mean, you can't disclaim that. Yeah, but yeah, I mean, I think the major thing that. Well, I don't want to. I don't want to recap all the plugs I did.

[B]

No, you don't need to.

[A]

But you do have to see my special. Yeah, I think you're gonna like it.

[B]

And I will. And I'll see it clearly because I'm using a new medication. It's called Zabadab Habitus. I care about you. I think you're one of the greats. One of some other greats. We're not gonna get into that.

[A]

Next time I come, can we please just talk like we're normal people?

[B]

Not gonna happen, Kevin Nealon.

[A]

Because I'm getting to the point now.

[B]

Where wrapping it up.

[A]

I really can't have a conversation with you and learn anything about you. It's just like total darts in the eyes.

[B]

Thanks for being here, Kevin. Thanks for being here.

[A]

Thank you for having me.

[B]

You're a good guy.

[A]

I appreciate. I appreciate. Anytime I'm able to be on your show.

[B]

Thank you, Kevin.

[A]

Late night talk show or this or the Oscars.

[B]

Good having you here. Thank you, Kevin.

[A]

Good to be here.

[B]

You take care.

[C]

Okay, we're back on this subject. And you were about to find out from Sona what she would do if she didn't have this job.

[B]

Listen, I have great admiration for you, but I'm just wondering, what would you do? Seriously? Let's be honest.

[D]

I know what I would do because I think about this.

[A]

This.

[D]

I would work at Costco. Why is everyone laughing?

[B]

Hold on, hold on. I'm listening.

[D]

I'm not laughing. Costco is one of my favorite places in the whole world. I love going there. And everyone who works there is kind of cool. And you know, you, like, check things and you have to put it in the carts the right way and there's no bagging and you do the beep, beep, beeps and everyone's happy. Most of the people there are happy cuz they're getting like a lot of stuff for a good deal. So I would. And I think that they. It's a good company. They have good benefits. I've seriously looked at you thought about it.

[B]

Okay, so. And I'm not joking about this at all. I know that the customers are very happy. You get the sense that the people who work at Costco are really happy.

[D]

So I think they're well taken care of. I really think that the corporate structure there bl.

[B]

Got something. Let's go. Blake. I was just gonna say that Costco is known for having great benefits for.

[C]

Their employees, like health benefits and stuff.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Like, it's like a well known thing.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

I could do it too.

[B]

No. And the thing is. I know you could. Yeah, I know you could. I think there'd be. I think there'd be a couple of weeks early on where you'd be saying, I don't get it. Where's the free booze? When do I get to stay with my boss in a five star hotel and make poo poo and butt jokes? When do I. I mean, you know what I mean?

[D]

Do you think they make poo poo and butt jokes at Costco?

[B]

I've made butt jokes. And they do. I think they do. And I think they do them in bulk. Okay.

[D]

I have to say, in my defense, I've made one.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Hey, Eduardo.

[A]

Good one.

[B]

And mad respect for Eduardo.

[D]

I've made poo poo pee butt jokes at every job I've ever worked. So I bring people down to My.

[B]

Level even when you worked at that IBS clinic. I'm here for my ibs.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Please stop it. Stop it. I just came here to leave a sample for the doctor. Poo poo pee pee.

[D]

Poo poo pee pee sample. There's poo poo in there.

[B]

Yeah, of course. That's fun.

[A]

It's funny.

[B]

And then you chase them out into the parking lot with their sample. Yeah, listen, I think you would do fine at Costco. I do think there'd be a period of adjustment. Hey, where are the famous people I get to meet?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

All that kind of stuff.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. Is that not part of it? Is that not part of the job?

[B]

That's cool.

[D]

Do I get to. To fly in a class higher than economy? Like when I used to use your credit card and buy myself tickets?

[B]

No. All that stuff is gone. Gone, gone.

[D]

Okay, well, that's. So I think I need to rethink this and.

[B]

Rethink it. Rethink it. Yeah, yeah. No, no, but I do think. I know you were incredibly practical and you're completely self made. No one ever offered you anything and you made yourself. And so I know that you would do okay. And now the I.

[C]

Is it what you want to do or realistically have to do? You know what I mean?

[B]

I think it's. What I'm talking about is you've got to put food on the table. You're going to have two kids. They're crying. These are really young kids. And I'm going to say your wife cannot help in any way. You need to make some money.

[C]

I guess I would just go back to teaching. I'd full time teach.

[B]

And what was the subject?

[C]

I top theater for 25 years.

[B]

I'm gonna take that away from you and say it can't be that because it's performing arts. Yeah, it can't be anything to do with performing arts. It has to be something practical, something.

[C]

Then I think I would do like interior design consultation, but not like decorating, but like remodeling.

[B]

But you're good with woodwork and things like that, aren't you? Could you be a contractor?

[C]

I couldn't be a contractor. No. I could be a consultant. Like a design remodeling consultant.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Like that kind of thing.

[B]

I just think in desperate times you can't say well off to be a consultant.

[C]

I.

[B]

That's why I'm thinking, what is it?

[D]

You don't get benefits with consultant work either.

[A]

Right.

[C]

I've always had to manage benefits on my own. Because I've always just kind of worked gig style, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What? Seriously, what do you think? I can't be anything to do with. Be honest. What could I do?

[D]

I. I'm gonna. I. I was thinking the same thing.

[B]

Don't say teacher or anything.

[D]

No, but I was thinking the same thing. Goral's was, which is teacher. But I also. Can I be serious for a sec? I think you'd be a really great, great politician. Maybe a local politician, because you're very likable, you're funny, and you're also very smart. And I think you're charismatic. And I think you would. You know, you'd be like. You'd be like, hey, guys, I'm on the city council. And then you would. You're not easily corruptible. You'd be one of the good ones. So I think you'd be a good politician.

[C]

Yeah, I think so too.

[B]

But can you go out and get a job quickly as a politician?

[C]

That's the tough thing with this.

[B]

That's why I'm thinking about. I'm just thinking about. Oh, it's the Depression. Your business has completely gone away. The robots have taken over. They're smoldering ruins. I gotta go out.

[C]

Then I. I would just do construction work. I would just go join a firm and just help build houses or something, I guess.

[B]

I mean, one thing I could do is model.

[C]

Oh, is that where this was heading?

[B]

Oh, my God. No, I just thought of it. No, no, no. That's not where this is heading.

[C]

Planted this whole thing.

[B]

No, no, no, I'm not. I'm not. I just thought of it this moment, but I am. Wait, why do you say no way? I. Cheekbones.

[D]

You have no ass. You're incredibly talented.

[B]

You're the only one who is looking at male models in a catalog who are showing you, like, glasses and saying, where's the ass? I don't see the ass. Also, models are not supposed to have huge asses because they're supposed to show the clothes. More from Blay, by the way. And Blay, if I've ever put you down. Long legs. Long legs. I have very long legs. Walking down the Runway.

[D]

Can you walk down a. Can you do a. Can you do a Runway walk?

[B]

I could do, like, a funny Runway walk.

[D]

Yeah, but that's not what you're supposed to do. You can't. Well, you can't be serious.

[B]

I would take the attention off the clothes.

[D]

If there's a camera pointed at you and they say, give us a smoldering look, can you do it? Do it, do it, do it.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

See, Conan, be sexy. Be sexy, Conan. Be sexy. Show us sexy. Give us a sexy look. You're a bad boy, Conan. Give us a bath.

[B]

Give us a real good in the bedroom. I'm gonna really show you something. Be serious. Talk dirty.

[C]

Talk dirty.

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna put jelly on my chest.

[A]

Be sporty. Be sporty. Be sporty. Athletic.

[B]

Is that sporty? Is that a sport? Gee.

[D]

Gee. All right, now, your model that you're with, act like you want her. Like, act like you really just want her. You want to have sex with her.

[B]

Oh, God.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, bow tie. Oh, no. Put on my glasses. Windshield wipers. Steam. Hair spins around.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[C]

So if you lose this job, you'll just be institutionalized?

[B]

Yes, I will be immediately institutionalized. But I'll make money because people will come and study me.

[D]

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

All right, we cracked it. We all know where we're going. You're going to Costco. Yeah, baby. You're going to a local construction site. I will be institutionalized because I'm criminally insane.

[C]

Conan o' Brien needs a friend. With Conan o', Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign [e-mail] Conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O' Brien needs a Friend. Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.