Leslie Jones Returns

Summary

Podcast Summary: Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Episode: Leslie Jones Returns
Date: July 27, 2026
Guests: Leslie Jones
Host: Conan O'Brien (with Matt Gourley, David, Joe, occasional appearances by Sona Movsesian)

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Overview

This episode welcomes back the unfiltered, hilarious Leslie Jones, beloved SNL alum, standup star, and now host of HGTV's Roast My Rental. Instantly playful and honest, Conan and Leslie riff on friendship, sun aversion, reality TV, finding your authentic self, their unfinished buddy-cop serial-killer movie idea, and the big and small joys (and travails) of life in a world full of distractions, self-doubt, and Love Island laziness. The episode moves seamlessly between riotous banter and genuinely moving reflections on finding your purpose—plus some strong recommendations for tossing people into volcanoes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Friendship Status: Evolving Banter

[01:26; 12:41]

• Leslie opens by confessing:
  "I feel so conflicted about being Conan o'Brien's friend. Can I just say, so needy." [01:26]
• They riff on Conan's Irish paleness and sun-sensitivity, with Leslie repeatedly roasting Conan's delicate constitution: "You're the sun's bitch. Exactly. You belong to the sun. I don't want leftovers." [16:13]
• Conan asks whether Leslie thinks they'd last if they married:
  "How long do you think we would last?"
  Leslie: "We would last a long time...because I wouldn't have sex with you." [16:00]

Conan Roasted for Paleness

[12:47–15:00]

• Leslie on Conan's fate in sunlight: "The sun be the shit out of you." [13:58]
  Conan: "I am sexually assaulted by the sun every day." [14:03]
  Leslie: "You need to start filing reports. Yeah, I need to assault on you." [14:08]
• Running joke of Conan needing an umbrella like Michael Jackson or P. Diddy.

Leslie’s Love Island and Reality TV Breakdown

[02:46–11:17]

• Conan gives a withering (and very funny) critique of reality TV lethargy: "If they were wearing Fitbits...I think each of them in a day would record maybe four steps. Because they sit and hang around." [03:01]
• The group reflects on how American reality TV is increasingly about "hot people sitting around," which Conan finds depressingly static and culturally indicative.
• Debate over whether Americans vote more on Love Island than in presidential elections: "Is it true that more Americans vote for Love Island than vote for the President?" [07:03]

Leslie’s Ideal Man

[17:23–21:17]

• Leslie details her former crush on Dylan O'Brien and jokes about her disappointment when they finally met: "He was my pretend husband for like three years...and then we was at the Knicks game. First of all, he's shorter than me. And I was like, fuck, never meet your heroes." [19:27–20:07]
• Conan shows off his own beard to try to fit Leslie's type (spoiler: doesn’t work).

Leslie’s Dream Role: Serial Killer Finder

[29:01–35:44]

• Leslie describes growing up wanting to be a "serial killer finder," not just a detective: "My title is serial killer finder. So when I show up on a stage...hey, I'm serial killer finder. Give me the clues." [29:05]
  Studied criminal justice and wanted to emulate Columbo but didn’t like guns.
• They spin an elaborate dark-comedy movie pitch where Leslie captures and punishes abusive men, Conan is the Irish sheriff trying to catch her, and the plot devolves into slapstick, torture chambers, and after-dark therapy.
• Memorable moment:
  "I would kidnap [abusive men] and I would keep them in this room that's soundproof, and I would just torture them and—until they beg me to kill them...so I'd be like, he's asking. It's a mercy kill." [32:28]

Candid Talk About Growth & Self-Love

[44:21–51:25]

• Leslie on maturing into her authentic self:
  "Thank God they got me at 47. I'm so glad they didn't get me in my 20s and my 30s...When I am on my deathbed, I'm gonna be able to go, I'm so glad I fucked that dude." [44:21, 46:29]
• Encourages listeners to embrace their journey, not avoid life’s hardships: "Just go through the fire. Don’t avoid the fire. Don’t put the fire out. Just go through it...Be your own best friend...You better start fucking liking yourself." [47:12]
• Profound message on individuality and community: "You're a specific piece of art that was made by God. No one's like you. ...Your magic makes my magic. ...Love can only be hate. Hate can only kill itself. Love multiplies." [48:17–49:44]

Reflections on SNL and Kenan Thompson

[41:06–44:14]

• Leslie describes Kenan as “the glue” at SNL, a grounding, respectful, uplifting presence especially during her difficult times.
• Leslie:
  "When my brother passed away...Kenan literally automatically became my brother." [41:36]
  "SNL...isn't always the healthiest place...You have to be a samurai mentally." [43:14]

Internet, Culture & Civility

[56:14–58:19]

• Both decry the toxicity and dopamine addictiveness of the internet, how it foments hate and undermines community. "We want to advance…but we’re advancing in—the wrong way. Like J. Cole said, 'Congratulations, you came a long way, but I’m so sorry you went the wrong way.'" [58:19]

Standout Segment: Volcano Justice and Social Commentary

[62:21–64:18]

• Leslie and Conan riff on bringing back volcano sacrifices for criminals: "Oh, we should definitely start throwing people in a volcano. …So much cheaper than the death sentence." [62:46]
• Conan:
  "If you look at a timeline of your...it's like kindness, civility, we're in this together—volcano." [64:18]

Leslie’s New Ventures & HGTV’s Roast My Rental

[64:48–68:41]

• Leslie talks about tearing apart delusional rental properties and homeowners on her new show: "It's stanking here. Stank. Why do you have—there was a dude that had a picture of himself at the end of the bed. Nobody wants..." [64:48]
• Amusing exchange about the social clumsiness of having photos of yourself in your home [67:59–68:55].

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Conan’s paleness:
  "You burn really easy...the sun literally stays over my house. So I can never invite you over." — Leslie Jones [12:49]
• On the sluggishness of Love Island:
  "They just practically have, like, sailing bags so they don’t have to move...I get bummed out." — Conan [09:08]
• On learning to love yourself:
  "Be your own best friend...You wake up with yourself, you eat with yourself, you better start fucking liking yourself." — Leslie [47:12]
• On appreciating life’s little things:
  "You should be happy. You have a ragged ass car. ... If you don't appreciate what you got right now, what makes you think that you should be blessed with more?" — Leslie [58:19]
• On SNL’s demands:
  "You have to be a samurai mentally." — Leslie [43:19]
• On volcanoes as criminal justice:
  "What do we have volcanoes for? … Throw their ass in the volcano." — Leslie [63:08]
• On friendship with Conan:
  "I felt every time for the longest, I was like, Conan hates me, cause every time he sees me, I give him such shit." — Leslie [39:12]

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Noteworthy Timestamps

• [01:26] Leslie’s conflicted feelings about being Conan’s friend
• [03:01–11:17] Conan’s take on Love Island and lazy reality TV
• [12:47–15:00] Sun jokes and roasting Conan’s paleness
• [16:00–18:00] Leslie and Conan’s hypothetical relationship, Irish men and black women
• [19:27–21:17] Leslie’s Dylan O’Brien saga and “ideal man”
• [29:01–35:44] Serial killer movie pitch (Leslie = vigilante, Conan = Irish sheriff)
• [41:06–44:14] Kenan Thompson’s influence and SNL talk
• [44:21–51:25] Profound, funny discussion on aging, self-love, and resilience
• [56:14–58:19] Internet and American culture self-diagnosis
• [62:21–64:18] Volcano solution for social ills
• [64:48–68:41] Roast My Rental anecdotes

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Tone & Atmosphere

True to form, this Leslie Jones episode is a boisterous, no-holds-barred blend of tease, truth, vulnerability, and healing optimism. Leslie and Conan trade roasts and philosophy with abandon, never letting the laughter undercut the episode’s powerful messages about self-acceptance and authentic community—or their abiding distaste for the sun.

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For Listeners New to the Episode

Expect to laugh hard yet come away with genuine wisdom about what it means to be yourself, fight self-doubt, love others, and sometimes wish you could toss your enemies into a volcano. It’s pure, untamed Leslie Jones and vintage, self-deprecating Conan O’Brien at their best.

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Listen for:

• Dynamic, unpredictable banter
• Candid, compassionate advice on life and aging
• Wild movie pitches
• Roasts encompassing everything from Irish sunburns to rental décor
• Real talk about friendship, comedy, and personal growth

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Leslie Jones]

Hi, my name is Leslie Jones, and I feel so conflicted about being Conan o' Brien's friend. Can I just say, so needy. Just

[Conan O'Brien]

please be my friend.

[Leslie Jones]

He's not, you know, he's not in my ministry, you know. Fall is here Hear the yell back to school ring the bell, Brand new shoes Walk and lose Climb the fence books and pens.

[Conan O'Brien]

I can tell that we are gonna

[Leslie Jones]

be friends

[Conan O'Brien]

I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there and welcome to Conan o' Brien Needs a Friend. I am joined by Matt Gourley.

[Matt Gourley]

Hi.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hello, Matt.

[Matt Gourley]

Hi.

[Conan O'Brien]

And Sona is normally with us at this part. She's going to be here for the interview, but at the moment she cannot join us. She's in Hawaii. She is in Hawaii.

[David]

She's gonna be back in time, though, for the, for the interview.

[Matt Gourley]

I know, it's crazy.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Matt Gourley]

She's only 10 minutes away.

[Conan O'Brien]

She's on a jet that will land any second. It's an American Airlines flight that will land in exactly about 15 minutes. But she's gonna miss out on this part. But David is gonna be joining us. David hopping. Hello. The assistant who replaced Sona when we realized she really wasn't doing anything. You've done a terrific job, David.

[David]

Hey, thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I Understand that. You have a question for me? It's always nice to start with.

[David]

I do have a question for you. So recently you watched your first episode of Love Island.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, I did.

[David]

And I thought it would be fun for you to share with everyone your thoughts on the show.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's fair enough. I had heard a lot about this Love Island. I know it's a big show. So I watched a Love island, and I was shocked and stunned. Not by their beautiful bodies and not by the steamy, sensual situations, but by how little they do. They don't. I mean, if they were wearing, you know, Fitbits or if they were wearing Apple watches, I think each of them in a day would record maybe four steps. Because they sit and hang around, Right?

[David]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And talk.

[David]

They pull each other for chats, and

[Conan O'Brien]

then they say, I'm gonna go, you know, talk to, you know, Brenda, and I'm going to take her to that. And she doesn't. They don't take her someplace interesting. They're on this. In this house, right? And they say, we're going to take her over to the, you know, cuckoo cove, which is the name of her room, and it's spelled out in neon, and it's four feet that way. And then on an island.

[Matt Gourley]

Do you ever get to see.

[David]

They're on an island, but they're in, like, a villa on the island.

[Conan O'Brien]

They could be in. In Westwood, here in Los Angeles. I mean, it doesn't matter where they are. They could be in Cleveland, they. Anywhere. Because it's.

[Leslie Jones]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I understand that. It's a nice climate, but they don't do anything. They don't go anywhere. And they're just always sitting and lounging.

[David]

It's all they. That's all they do. All they can do is just talk to each other and.

[Conan O'Brien]

And what are the names of the different nooks?

[David]

Oh, my God, I'm blanking on.

[Conan O'Brien]

Off.

[Leslie Jones]

Joe.

[Conan O'Brien]

Joe, jump in here. Because Joe is sitting in for Eduardo, who ties. Can I just say Eduardo's out, because he said he was busy today. And then I noticed that World cup game, a big one between Spain and Fr. Just played. And I think maybe that's the cause of his sudden bout with diarrhea.

[Joe]

Okay, so, Joe, there's Soul Ties.

[Conan O'Brien]

Soul Ties.

[Joe]

There's the Hideaway.

[Conan O'Brien]

The Hideaway. And these are rooms that are maybe six feet away from where they all sit. And they get. One of them gets up and goes to the other and says, hey, come with me. And they say, okay. And then they go to Soul Ties. Or what's it called?

[Joe]

You can't just go to the Hideaway, though.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean? You gotta book it in advance. You gotta know someone.

[Joe]

Yeah. They, like, if you're a successful couple, they'll put you in there. And it's a villa inside.

[David]

Oh, yeah. It's where they get to bang.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, now they actually having sex there.

[Joe]

They can, yeah, they can. Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

But.

[Conan O'Brien]

But is it. But they're not married

[Matt Gourley]

and they're not presumably wanting children.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's the only reason to have sex. I'm sorry, I forgot. This is. This is hosted by the Quaker religion. This episode, I just don't see that they're doing. They don't seem to. No one moves, and everyone's in great shape. So I know that they're working out furiously when they're not on camera, but for the show, they don't do anything.

[David]

They do like a challenge. Did you watch the whole season?

[Joe]

I did, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is they challenged that you just lounged? Yesterday you lounged leaning to the right. Today you're gonna lounge leaning to the left.

[David]

To the left, yeah. No, they did this challenge a few nights ago where each couple had to, like, take different foods. Like, the guy would put ketchup in his mouth, then spit it into the girl's mouth, then she would spit it into something else. I don't know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Like birds.

[David]

Yeah.

[Matt Gourley]

Or like frat boy hazing.

[Leslie Jones]

What is this?

[Matt Gourley]

Wow.

[Conan O'Brien]

So.

[David]

But it shows that they love each other.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is a hugely successful thing, right?

[David]

Love Island.

[Conan O'Brien]

Huge.

[David]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

When people become a couple at the end, does that happen?

[David]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do they stay couples? Is this. Has any relationship lasted?

[David]

I think so. Like, Bergie from a few seasons ago is engaged.

[Matt Gourley]

Bergie?

[David]

Yeah. Who is also on the Traitors. I'm sure you are caught up on all things Love island and Traders.

[Matt Gourley]

I'll get to it.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is how Jill and Joe Biden met back in 1921. He took her to the hideaway and they banged. And then 70 years went by. Incredible.

[David]

But some of them stay together. And then at the end, the couple who wins gets to split $100,000.

[Matt Gourley]

How do they win?

[David]

America votes on the Love Island.

[Matt Gourley]

But I'm an American. I don't vote.

[Conan O'Brien]

You need to vote. Is it true that. Is it true that more Americans vote for Love island than vote for the President?

[David]

Pretty sure I would.

[Conan O'Brien]

I. Oh, I just brought. I just thought of something, and I hope it's not true. I'm going to say it's not true. Yeah. What's that?

[Joe]

It's Easier to vote for Love Island.

[David]

Well, because you have the app.

[Conan O'Brien]

Maybe the current administration is going to change it. So to vote on Love island, you need, you need your birth certificate. You need special. I mean, so. Yeah, that's, that's a problem is I will not see Love island voters disenfranchised. I will not see that happen. That's un American.

[David]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can you vote more than once throughout the season?

[David]

You get a chance to vote, but you can only do it once. Like, you know, they'll be like, rate you're the least compatible couple tonight, and then tomorrow night you rate your favorite couple so you can vote once. Like, per.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think we're maybe one or two election cycles away from being this, this is the way we vote. You know what I mean?

[Matt Gourley]

And, and this, you want this person

[Conan O'Brien]

to be your, the President of the United States. You know, you gotta watch him bang in the, in the hideaway.

[Matt Gourley]

Hideaway.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. And maybe that's as good a qualification as any. Who can say. Who can really say. Wait a minute. Thinking about it. No, not a good idea.

[David]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

David, you are so obsessed with these shows. They're your life.

[David]

Yeah. I think that you love them too. No, I just think that you won't admit it.

[Matt Gourley]

What made you watch an episode?

[Conan O'Brien]

I was, I think you were talking. David, you're watching. David was talking to me about it a lot. And then I, and, and this is the same thing that's happened with Sona. Sona will talk up these shows. And like any cultural anthropologist, I feel it's my duty to understand what's happening in the United States. So I watched, I watched a Love Island. I think I watched one with my wife. And then I watched like half of one on my own. I think I was in New York and then I was, I was. I'm not dissing anyone who likes it. It just wasn't for me, but because it's, it's too lethargic there. I just want people to go somewhere or do something you like.

[David]

You like a Below deck. I.

[Conan O'Brien]

My wife is crazy about below deck. I, I, no, it's still not.

[Matt Gourley]

It sounds to me like reality TVs getting a little lazy. Is that what you're saying?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, I think, you know, in the early days, it was, you're going to be on this island, you've got to survive, you've got to do this, or else you need to get to Belgium. And we're going to pair you with someone who hates Belgium. And you guys are going to. It's a lot of running around. And I think I like frenetic action when people are lying around. I mean, they just practically have, like, sailing bags to keep, you know, so they don't have to move. I don't know. I get bummed out.

[Matt Gourley]

Sounds very American.

[David]

Well, sorry. Sorry I brought it up.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. Well, that's my damning indictment of Love island, and I'm sure that's going to sway a lot of people.

[Matt Gourley]

Love island is different than Love is Blind.

[David]

Yeah.

[Matt Gourley]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Because that's when people in love is blind. Blinded.

[David]

No, their eyes are. I've never actually watched that one, but

[Conan O'Brien]

I. Biblical, to me.

[David]

I'm pretty sure they, like, sit in pods and they talk and just can't see.

[Matt Gourley]

That's what my wife is always watching when I come in the bedroom and she's breastfeeding. And I don't. I don't understand what's happening half the time.

[David]

Joe, do you watch that? You don't even.

[Conan O'Brien]

But to be fair, you don't understand what lactation is.

[Matt Gourley]

I don't. I don't at all.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. I don't know Love is blind at all. Which one is that?

[David]

That's the. Joe watches it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Joe, let's hear the report.

[Joe]

So they just sit in these pods. They can't see each other, but they. For two weeks. And they're supposed to fall in love. They just go on, like, different dates. All they can do is hear the other person's voice.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't understand. They're in. How do they go out on dates if they're in pods?

[Joe]

It's kind of like Zoom without the video.

[Conan O'Brien]

What is this thing? What is this thing?

[Joe]

Audio.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm cracking something here. People want to watch reality shows with beautiful people as long as they're not moving. That seems to be the trend that I've discovered.

[Matt Gourley]

I think they feel better about themselves when they see lethargic, hot people. I might not be hot, but I can get up and walk to the

[Conan O'Brien]

fridge and get a Coors Light. And I just threw that out there. That's probably not our. What's the beer? We're pushing Miller Light. Okay, thank you. You know, I can get up and go and get the beer. He said, wait now. Did you forget it already? No, I didn't forget it already. I just thought, like, why give them a free ride?

[David]

Yeah, right.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, you know, the old Miller Light. Good beer. Anyway, I'm very worried. I think the problem in America's 250th year is that our reality shows have become more Static.

[Matt Gourley]

It's funny. You don't real. You don't worry about reality shows being popular in general. You worry that the reality show format itself is dying on the vine.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I'm just worried that they're not moving. Apparently, people are watching them like crazy. But people are sitting at home on a couch watching other people sitting there on a couch. And I think this is the.

[Matt Gourley]

You just invented a great reality show where you watch people on the couch watching reality tv.

[Conan O'Brien]

Or else when the technology exists, you're watching people watch you.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

If they could figure that out, That's a hit formula. I want to sit and watch people watch me.

[Matt Gourley]

You do?

[Conan O'Brien]

I do. You definitely see if they laugh. Yeah. And you know what I did for 28 years on television? I sat and watched people watch me. And you know what? It was an erotic ride. More on that later.

[Matt Gourley]

Our guest today.

[Conan O'Brien]

My guest today is a hilarious comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live. She now has a new HGTV show called Roast My Rental and is currently performing standup on her I'm Hot tour. Tickets are available@just leslie.com. it's always a fun time when she stops by. Thrilled she's here. Leslie jones. Welcome, Leslie. Last time you were on the pod, you said, my name's Leslie Jones, and I couldn't give a shit if I was Conan's friend.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, it's heading in the right direction.

[Conan O'Brien]

And so I think we're going in the right.

[Leslie Jones]

You know what? We're getting better.

[Conan O'Brien]

We're getting better. Now you're just conflicted.

[Leslie Jones]

I'm conflicted because I don't know if I want a leprechaun as a friend. You burn really easy.

[Conan O'Brien]

I burn so easily.

[Leslie Jones]

Like, the sun literally stays over my house. So I can never invite you over.

[Conan O'Brien]

You would die. I can't go visit anyone if the sun is in the sky over their house. I can only go to places where the sun doesn't exist.

[Leslie Jones]

It's so funny.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

That is just like you burn. Is it funny to you that I like bacon? Is hysterical. Me. Us black people enjoy it so much.

[Conan O'Brien]

Laughing at me.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, God. We're like, they never can go outside. We're gonna rule the world.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sona, back me up on this. If I'm outside for. You've been with me when I've been outside in the sun for, like, maybe 15 minutes.

[Leslie Jones]

Look at your face now. Even now, you look. And this is just a fluorescent lighting. You literally look like you have on goggles.

[Conan O'Brien]

Y

[Joe]

immediate.

[Conan O'Brien]

What happens? I Drove to work today in a car with no sunroof. And I. I look like this. This is bad.

[Leslie Jones]

The sun be the shit out of you.

[Conan O'Brien]

I am sexually. I am sexually assaulted by the sun. Every day.

[Leslie Jones]

There's some white people I see, and I be like, the sun need to take you in the back and strap you to and just fuck you till you can't see. When you. You need to start filing reports to the police. Yeah, I need to assault on you.

[Conan O'Brien]

I need a restraining order on the sun. That's what I need. We need to keep the sun at least 500 yards away from me.

[Leslie Jones]

Get an umbrella or something.

[Joe]

Umbrella.

[Leslie Jones]

Get an umbrella.

[Conan O'Brien]

Jesus. No, I can't be the guy.

[Leslie Jones]

Michael Jackson had a fucking umbrella. Motherfucker. Jesus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God. He did have the umbrella. That's right. P. Diddy had an umbrella. He had a guy that held an umbrella over him. So you got. I mean, the umbrella is a way to go. Gorlie, would you hold an umbrella over my head if the stroller.

[Joe]

No.

[Matt Gourley]

I would buy you one of those multicolored umbrella hats.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, that would make my life.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, what if I.

[Leslie Jones]

But I just want to see you walking down the street with a black umbrella. I'd be like, that's it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

So I can take a picture and send it to the Inquirer.

[Joe]

A parasol. Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Choir's gonna put that right on the COVID Conor Bryant Shields himself from Sun.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah. Conan running from the sun after sexual assault last week.

[Conan O'Brien]

We have a topless nude of Kim Kardashian or Conan using sun protection. Kim Kardashian. No one cares about her boobs. Conan in the Sun. Quick question. Right up top. Right up top.

[Leslie Jones]

Wait a minute. Hold on. One more joke. It's not like a raisin in the sun. It's like a Cranber.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm gonna do my own revival. Cranberry and the sun, written, directed and funded by Conan o'. Brien.

[Leslie Jones]

It's gotta be directed by me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Will you direct it?

[Leslie Jones]

I was so direct that I think

[Conan O'Brien]

you and I have a great chemistry.

[Leslie Jones]

I think that we should get married.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'll do that. Wanna do that? How long do you think we would last? Let's say. Okay.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, we would last a long time.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you think so?

[Leslie Jones]

Yes, because first of all, I wouldn't have sex with you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, what?

[Joe]

No.

[Leslie Jones]

You're the son's bitch. You're the son's bitch. Exactly. You belong to the son. Son. I don't want leftovers.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute. So you'll marry me? But I don't have any marital pleasures.

[Leslie Jones]

I mean, you could watch. Wait a minute.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let me get this.

[Leslie Jones]

Such a cuckoo.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm a red faced cranberry in the corner of the room while you and some other person are going at it.

[Leslie Jones]

And then I'm gonna stop and go look at the cranberry in the sun.

[Joe]

Quit it. Quit it.

[Leslie Jones]

Everybody's wearing their favorite episodes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Cranberry in the corner. Wait, wait, wait.

[Joe]

Come on.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is terrible. This is a terrible turn of events.

[Joe]

This is not like.

[Leslie Jones]

This is the funnest part of my life when I get to fucking rib. White people. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And not just white people. Probably the whitest guy you've ever met. Ever, right?

[Leslie Jones]

In the history of white people.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

Are you Irish? What are you?

[Conan O'Brien]

I am 100 Irish. 100.000. Oh, yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

Irish man. Like black women. Is that true?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Leslie Jones]

What's that about?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't know.

[Leslie Jones]

I had. I had an Irish man, full accent. Don't take you to a hotel. And I put my fist in your text.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute.

[Leslie Jones]

I was so insulted, but I was like, wait a minute.

[Conan O'Brien]

Put my fist in your tits.

[Leslie Jones]

My fist in your tits. No, I don't sound.

[Conan O'Brien]

The Irish just want a box. Doesn't matter. What's going on? Get those titties. Get him real good.

[Leslie Jones]

That's what he sounded like. And I was like, I almost. I almost fucked the Lucky Charms guy. I almost did.

[Joe]

Oh, my God.

[Leslie Jones]

But I was just like, it might get violent afterwards.

[Conan O'Brien]

So. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man.

[Matt Gourley]

Tit. Fist.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Tit fit.

[Matt Gourley]

Fist.

[Conan O'Brien]

Fist titting.

[Joe]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

Or tit fist?

[Leslie Jones]

No. He said put his face in my tit.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I thought you meant fist. I heard fist. I heard fist.

[Joe]

Oh, that's.

[Leslie Jones]

I mean, that would have turned me on too, but you know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, maybe that would have been fun. I don't know.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah, he was too short.

[Conan O'Brien]

What's your ideal man? Let's describe him.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, God, here we go with this bullshit. This is just. He doesn't exist.

[David]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

You like him tall? I guess. Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

Well, I described it once that somebody was like, oh, that's jes. You're in love with Jesus.

[Conan O'Brien]

I wanted. I wanted to be a carpenter. I like a guy that works with his hands. He's gotta have a lot of friends. At least 12.

[Leslie Jones]

At least 12. No, 11. Because Judas is a.

[Conan O'Brien]

But he's fun. At a party, get a few drinks. And he's talking about everyone. Then he's talking Jesus and he's talking about Jesus. Hey, I'm Right here.

[Leslie Jones]

And he's imitated. Jesus is really, really annoying. I'll turn water into wine. Fed fish and bread to everyone.

[Joe]

I don't.

[Leslie Jones]

You know, I used to have so many ideas of what my ideal man is. And yo, I know this is a crazy thing. Do y' all know Dylan o'? Brien?

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

Okay, so. Damn. My assistant has my phone for the longest. Okay. He was in this movie with Michael Keaton. It was a spy movie?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, my God. He was. Oh, God, he was so fine. Cause he had all the hair on his face. His hair. And I carried his picture on my phone and told everybody, like, he's my husband. Like, I had screenshotted a picture from the movie and put it and had it as my. On my phone for the longest time. Right? And I was like, you know Bryant, you know him? Tell him that I love him. I love him. Then we end up at a Knicks game together. And it's so funny, cause I had gotten over him. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, these things last about an hour with you.

[Leslie Jones]

No, they. I mean, he was my pretend husband for like three years.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah, I loved him. And then we was at the Knicks game. First of all, he's shorter than me. And I was like, fuck, never meet your heroes. Never meet him. And he was like a dude. Like, he was like, duh.

[Conan O'Brien]

I was like, wasn't working.

[Leslie Jones]

So when he started telling him, he was like, yeah, I know about you. Everybody tells me that you have a picture of me. And then I pulled the picture up and I was like, you need to tell me that this guy doesn't exist. And he was like, yeah, that guy does not exist. He was like, I think that's a. Don't say anything else. I love this man. But my ideal man looks like a terrorist. He's just beard. Hairy.

[Joe]

That's me too.

[Leslie Jones]

Just like. And lanky. I love lanky men.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Leslie Jones]

Tall. Just. I would love him to be just a little bit. But if he's my same height, that's fine. But if he's a little bit taller than me, that would be great.

[Conan O'Brien]

So I'm tall enough. I'm just. Everything else is not working.

[Leslie Jones]

Okay, where's your fucking beard? I don't even want to see a fucking beard on YouTube.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I had one for a while. It was very red.

[Joe]

You can work the beard.

[Conan O'Brien]

I can work the beard? Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

I need to see that you have a picture. Can you pull that up? Cuz I need to see it.

[Joe]

Yeah, a turtle can pull it up.

[Leslie Jones]

If I see it. And I like it. Are you still married?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I'm still married, but that could change at any moment. Could change at any moment. It all depends on what you say.

[Leslie Jones]

I'm just saying, if we have an affair, it's over with, y', all, because you're not gonna.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, there I am.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, no. Look at the. What is the hair? What the fuck is the pompadour shit?

[Conan O'Brien]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Leslie Jones]

You look like a.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's what I've been doing since. Since I was a kid. I've had that hair.

[Leslie Jones]

No, I'm sorry.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know that hair.

[Matt Gourley]

How about that?

[Leslie Jones]

Okay, now that I like.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah, that looks good.

[Leslie Jones]

That is hot.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, Conan's the one on the right. Okay, very funny.

[Leslie Jones]

Never mind. I thought it was a picture of

[Conan O'Brien]

me with a chim for those. No, you do look good there.

[Leslie Jones]

You do look good there. I like that. And your beard kind of connects.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I think that I will. I'm going to grow the beard back.

[Leslie Jones]

I don't think you can.

[Conan O'Brien]

Because of my falling testosterone levels.

[Leslie Jones]

No, because of the sun fucking the shit out of you. He didn't already fuck the follicles out of you.

[Conan O'Brien]

So the sun fucked me so hard that all my follicles fell out on my face? Is that what you're saying? Is that what we're saying here?

[Matt Gourley]

Do you know this is the first time where I feel like I might come to your defense

[Joe]

because you're the same.

[Leslie Jones]

You're gonna fight the sun? Oh, you're talking to me? You better sit yourself.

[Conan O'Brien]

You are so happy that this is all about it.

[Leslie Jones]

I will get you, too, motherfucker.

[Joe]

Don't.

[Leslie Jones]

Don't. Listen, I can get the whole table.

[Matt Gourley]

Don't.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what's so funny? You are a white male. But you know what? Compared to me, you look like Desi Arnaz. You're like. You look Cuban compared to me.

[Leslie Jones]

You know, he.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, he's.

[David]

That's how.

[Leslie Jones]

His beard is hot. His glasses is hot.

[Matt Gourley]

Whatever.

[Joe]

Hot.

[Leslie Jones]

I'm trying to figure out if he's gay or not that. Oh, well, me, too.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, no, his wife calls us every day and says, what do you think?

[Leslie Jones]

Does he. Is he gay? He's not gay. Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean, what do you think?

[Matt Gourley]

We reevaluate every afternoon.

[Joe]

See?

[Leslie Jones]

I would like to see a younger picture of you, too. I bet you was really cute when you were young.

[Matt Gourley]

Thank you.

[Leslie Jones]

Because you're hot. You're a hot old man.

[David]

There you go.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's a very nice thing.

[Leslie Jones]

Okay, now do Sona Nah, she's on my team.

[Joe]

Yeah, I'm with her. I'm with you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Leslie, you talk about. So you're with Leslie on everything? On everything.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, no.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why did you shoot up that high school?

[Leslie Jones]

Ruthless pulled up a young photo of a young girl. Is that all of him?

[Joe]

Why are your glasses so big?

[Matt Gourley]

Cuz it was 1989.

[Leslie Jones]

Up his nose.

[Matt Gourley]

What the.

[Leslie Jones]

Your whole face looks bigger than it is now.

[Conan O'Brien]

I had a face for. Sorry, Gorly. You're fired. You're fired. Just based on me seeing that photo? I resigned.

[Leslie Jones]

I actually like the one where he's holding the drink up though.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you still have those glasses?

[Matt Gourley]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you have to give them back to the car windshield store?

[Leslie Jones]

Exactly. Oh my God. You took them for the war effort. You know what I feel like? I feel like you got your first set of money from getting them lottery tickets. The lottery numbers. I'm pretty sure you couldn't.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is the best episode ever. We're only like 10 minutes in and this is the best episode ever.

[Leslie Jones]

You couldn't put them glasses on the table? The sun is out. Oh, there's no table big enough to hold those. Is calm.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is why I chose the podcast. I'm safe from the sun. I'm in the dark.

[Matt Gourley]

This is my favorite episode.

[Leslie Jones]

This is your. Like, you're safe here.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm safe.

[Leslie Jones]

This is a safe place for you.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is like a vampire's coffin. I'm okay here.

[David]

It really is.

[Leslie Jones]

It really is.

[Conan O'Brien]

College students don't get enough credit. That's my opinion. Yeah, I mean, they get credit for courses, but there's more that they're mastering. Like mastering microwaving, focusing on fashion, getting a bachelor's in beauty products. That's where Walmart comes in. Because College students get 50% off a Walmart plus membership. Who knew? I didn't know I needed to know. No one told me. I'm out of the loop.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Plus, Walmart members can choose between Peacock or Paramount plus at no additional cost. That means you can host a movie night in your apartment. Stream the new action film everyone's raving about. I've got to see that film. Well, guess what? I've got Peacock or Paramount Plus. Hey, thanks, pal. If you forgot to buy popcorn and somehow the soda's gone, no problem. Free same day delivery means snacks. Show up without leaving the couch. That's nice. You just keep lying on your couch. You don't even move.

[Joe]

That's the best.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, it's a problem if too many people do it. America loses this initiative. Conan, stop it. From last minute class supplies to late night study fuel, Walmart plus fits into college life in a way that feels almost unfairly convenient. Yeah, too convenient, if such a thing is possible. Every Walmart plus member knows it's a membership that pays for itself. Try Walmart. Free for 30 days. $35 minimum for free delivery. Separate registration required for video streaming choices. Terms apply. The World cup is all about what's next. The future of the sport. The player nobody saw coming who suddenly becomes a star. Very exciting. Hyundai, official partner of the 2026 FIFA World cup, believes the next starts now.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Do you ever think about that? How the next starts now?

[Joe]

I think about it all the time.

[Conan O'Brien]

Me too. Now, personally, I don't know what's next for me. I hope it's that I become inventor of some amazing piece of tech. Oh boy. And yeah, it explodes and I become this legendary tech CEO giant. Okay, but I'm just waiting around for that to happen. I'm not good at tech and I don't know anything about it.

[Joe]

You have trouble with all tech.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I do. But for Hyundai, they're not like me. They're not sitting around waiting for some impossible thing to happen. They're building it now with innovative vehicles, advanced technology, and by helping support the next generation of soccer stars. Or as many people say, football.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

From cars to robotics. They didn't come to the 2026 FIFA World cup to play. Instead, they're looking ahead, growing, evolving. The future of football. And Hyundai isn't coming. It's already here. Isn't that incredible? Hyundai, official partner of the 2026 FIFA World cup hey, one thing about summer, Sona, is that everything just feels easy.

[Joe]

Sure does.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's the season for comfortable go anywhere pieces that make getting dressed simple. That's what makes quints such a great fit for the season. They focus on well made essentials that you'll actually live in all summer long. Quince's 100% European linen pants and shirts are breathable, they're easy to throw on, and the summer upgrades your rotation needs. Their tees are soft enough to live in all days. Those are soft tees. I felt them.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Blay, you wear a lot of quints and you're liking it? Yeah, I love it. I just got the 100% European linen relaxed short sleeve shirt and it's great. It's airy, especially for the hot Los Angeles summers. Also, you seem more relaxed these days. Usually you're real up tight and kind of shouting into the mic. You seem a little more balanced now.

[Leslie Jones]

It's great.

[Conan O'Brien]

Also, like, I like the French blue because it. I think it sets off my white hair very nicely. Yeah, it's a nice. Yeah, it's. Well, I think it's more Quint that's providing the goodness.

[Joe]

I'm just skin. It looks good on his skin and

[Conan O'Brien]

his back to the ad.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quint.comconan for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.comconan for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comconan. Is this true? At one point, growing up, you wanted to be a detective?

[Leslie Jones]

Not a detective. I wanted to be a serial killer finder. Oh.

[Conan O'Brien]

Someone who hunts down.

[Leslie Jones]

Okay. My title is serial killer finder. So when I show up on a

[Conan O'Brien]

stage, well, there's no improving on that name.

[Leslie Jones]

Hey, I'm serial killer finder. Give me the clues.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

Criminal justice was my minor.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep.

[Leslie Jones]

And I loved all the classes. And I was like, oh. Cause, you know, everybody in my family's in, you know, police or my aunt's drug enforcement agent.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is around you, and you're like, I want to be part of this.

[Leslie Jones]

I'm like, I'm going to, you know, and it was interesting. And I always solved all of the clues, all of the, you know, SVU cases. I solved them all. And I was like, yeah, I can do this. Then we had to learn how to shoot a gun, and I didn't like it. So I told him, it's okay. I can still do this. I don't have to have a gun. Colombo never carries a gun.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right.

[Leslie Jones]

And they were like, you're an idiot.

[David]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

And Columbo does have a gun.

[Conan O'Brien]

Actually, I don't think Columbo has a gun. He has a raincoat. Does he have a gun?

[Leslie Jones]

He had a little. Like them little. What's that little black gun?

[Matt Gourley]

That's a revolver.38 special.38?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

He had a little.38 that he would pull out.

[Conan O'Brien]

I never saw it.

[Leslie Jones]

I think so. And they was like, he was a policeman. He had a gun. You're idiot. Okay, so then that's when everybody knew that I probably should go to be the comedian.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's the only next step. I don't think I can be in law enforcement. I have to be a comedian.

[Leslie Jones]

But I love crime. I love solving it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

I love solving it. And I think I would be a really Like, I talked to. Well, her name is Mariska, but I call her Olivia. And she's always gonna be Olivia to me. And I'd be like, Olivia, and she'd be like, Mariska. And I'd be like, Olivia, and she'd be like, Mariska. I'm not gonna call you that. Okay, what do you want? I wanna be on the show.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, Risk a Hargitay. Yeah, you wanna be on the show,

[Leslie Jones]

but I don't wanna be a policeman. I wanna be a criminal because I know how to think like a criminal and I wanna be.

[Conan O'Brien]

You should do that.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah, but I wanna be, like, a really shitty person. Like, I laugh when they be like, you know, two women,

[Joe]

did they.

[Leslie Jones]

They didn't do what I told them to do.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's incredible. No, but what they.

[Leslie Jones]

Psychopath.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is just a yes. I would say this would be a yes.

[Leslie Jones]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep, let's make that happen.

[Leslie Jones]

Why not? I don't think people think of me for stuff like that because they go, oh, she's a comedian, she does comedy. But I am totally into being dramatic. But I've always wanted to play a serial killer.

[Matt Gourley]

But also, you know, serial killers have, like, the so and so killer. What would be your, like, method, you know?

[Leslie Jones]

You want to know?

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, my God. Seriously? I wrote a whole thing about it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah. Ok.

[Joe]

So

[Leslie Jones]

I'm so traumatized about men, but I think I always have had this hero type thing where I've always wanted to be a hero and save people and stuff. So the twisted mind of me, I'm pretty sure, okay, the way that I wrote the story, I go to jail anyway. The way that I would do it is I would find men who are mistreating their women, and then I would kidnap them. And then, you know, because no one gives a fuck about them. Right? That's why they're being such pieces of shit. And I would kidnap them and I would keep them in this room that's soundproof, and I would just torture them and. Until they beg me to kill them. So then when they say, just kill me, I'd be like, he's asking. It's a mercy kill, so I have to help him.

[Matt Gourley]

And you're the mercy killer.

[Leslie Jones]

I fucking kill that motherfucker.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

But I beat his ass like he beats his women. I beat his ass like I make him pee on his. All this shit. Until he gets to the point where he's like, I'm sorry, just kill me.

[Joe]

All right?

[Leslie Jones]

And then I be like, I've been waiting for you to say that.

[Matt Gourley]

Wow.

[Conan O'Brien]

What was that at the end? Did you whip him with a cat? What was that?

[Leslie Jones]

That.

[Joe]

Was it a sword?

[Leslie Jones]

That was the knife. And then it was the sound effect of the music that plays.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, okay. I thought you. When it finally came down to it, you grabbed a cat by the tail.

[Leslie Jones]

No, the cat ain't got shit to do with him.

[Conan O'Brien]

Cat's creeping around. I don't know.

[Leslie Jones]

He's my partner.

[Conan O'Brien]

The. He's got one chore to do, which is be handy when it's time to kill the man.

[Leslie Jones]

He lets me know when the police is coming, so.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, you've just pitched this right now. Now, I am willing to direct this. Really? I'm willing to. Yeah, I'd be willing to direct it and also help write it. You know, I was a writer back in the day and maybe participate in the profits a little bit. But I would be happy to throw myself.

[Leslie Jones]

You know what I want you to be?

[Conan O'Brien]

What?

[Leslie Jones]

The sheriff.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. And I don't just. I don't approve of your methods.

[Leslie Jones]

No, you're trying to catch me.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm trying to catch you.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah. Yeah. But you date.

[Joe]

Okay?

[Conan O'Brien]

And I'm like, oh, I want to. I want to get my fist in those titties. I'm the Irish sheriff.

[Leslie Jones]

You have to have the Irish exit.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

There's no way I'll do this movie without you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Down. What's happened to that fella who was abusing the lady? Has she been gone missing?

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah. So you're doing the case, and that's how I'm involving myself in the case. I start dating you and you're like, you know all these missing people and stuff. Oh, wow. Do they have any. And then what do you say?

[Conan O'Brien]

I say, oh, no. They've got a couple of clues, but not much. Not much that leads to anybody in particular. No, I don't think so. And by the way, is it okay if we move into the shade? It's a little hot right now, where we are.

[Leslie Jones]

Yes, my little cranberry.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Thank you. By the way, sorry I took a swing at your titties last night.

[Leslie Jones]

It's okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's such an erotic thrill for an Irishman to put on his little boxing gloves and go after the boobies.

[Leslie Jones]

But check this out. So then you catch me, right?

[Conan O'Brien]

I catch you?

[Leslie Jones]

No, you catch me. Well, you kind of accidentally catch me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right?

[Leslie Jones]

Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

I walk in.

[Leslie Jones]

No, you don't walk in. You leave the house and then you hear something, and you go around and you catch me dragging you don't catch me. You see it. You see it happen?

[Conan O'Brien]

I see it happening. I'm watching through the bushes, and I see you dragging the guy's body. Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

And then you try to confront me. And then I take your ass. Okay, but I don't torture you. I make you watch me torture.

[Conan O'Brien]

I confront you and I go, no, I just saw you. That's terrible what you did. It's terrible. Oh, it's a pity. It's a shame. I loved you so. And we've got a fantastic sex life.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, what a pity.

[Joe]

Jesus.

[Conan O'Brien]

But now I gotta be taking you in. So how do you overpower? Do you overpower him? Do you take his gun? He's gonna take you in. I got to take you in. It's me job. I got to take it up.

[Joe]

It's real hard to overpower you.

[Conan O'Brien]

I had to put you in the old. In the old Patty wagon.

[Leslie Jones]

What's the opposite of an Emmy nomination? I put an infrared light on you that blinds you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Me, peepers, they're so sensitive to light, I can't see. And then you. You drag me, and then you.

[Leslie Jones]

I figure out that you. You know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep.

[Leslie Jones]

So, you know, you're kicking it with me one night, and I drug you, and then.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I'm feeling sleepy. I'm in the arms of Morpheus. Here I go. Green hearts, yellow clovers. So yellow moons. That's how he. When I snore, little colored marshmallows come out my mouth. Oh, you're two and bottom on the edge. Oh, I just double. So anyway, and then that's. I love this. This is a shot.

[Leslie Jones]

I make you watch. And I explain to you really logically what my. And you're like. You're fucking psychopath.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, but maybe I'm turned on by it.

[Leslie Jones]

No, you're trying to talk me off the. You're like Leslie. Not Leslie, but who. Whatever the character's name is. You're not talking reasonably. You're losing your mind. You know? Cause something happened to me when I was younger. You know, like I witnessed. The story that I wrote is that my father was very abusive. And my mother ended up committing suicide because of abuse. And then I was trying to protect my sister one day. Cause he went after her, and we're fighting, and she falls down the stairs. And I think that he kills her. So I kill him. They put me in an institution. And then the girl that fell us down the stairs, she didn't die. She just got paralyzed. She ends up turning a big house into like a nursery. Like a greenery nursery. And then, you know, she's visiting me in jail and stuff. And then I get out of jail, she tells me, you know, I can't go downstairs cause of my wheelchair. You can have the whole basement. And then I go to a. She tells me to get out one night and I go to a bar and I see this guy beating on this girl and I just meet him in the bathroom.

[Conan O'Brien]

What's the name of the show?

[Leslie Jones]

It's not a show, it's a movie.

[Conan O'Brien]

A movie? What's it in?

[David]

Sister.

[Joe]

Sister. Sister.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sisters. Okay, Leslie, wait a minute. Les, you led me down the primrose path.

[Joe]

We need to workshop that. I think Sister.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sister.

[Joe]

Are you Tia And Tamara. Is there a character named Roger?

[Leslie Jones]

That's Jack A comes in and every.

[Conan O'Brien]

So Jack A's in this. Well, now we gotta go get Jack A. This is gonna cost money. We're gonna come cheap.

[Leslie Jones]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

You.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh my God. I love laughing like that, man.

[Conan O'Brien]

You just ruined our lives.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh my God. We can workshop that title.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't know. I don't know what to do with you, Leslie. I just so admire you.

[Leslie Jones]

Love me, Conan. What would you say if you said I Conan o'?

[Conan O'Brien]

Brien?

[Leslie Jones]

And then that blank thing with friends with Leslie Jones?

[Matt Gourley]

Oh yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I feel like I won the lottery

[Leslie Jones]

that I'm friends with Leslie.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's what I would say. You are so freaking funny.

[Leslie Jones]

Thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

We always have a blast. We always have a good time. I get it. You want to kick the shit out of me. Most people do. But it's great chemistry. It's just.

[Leslie Jones]

I don't want to kick this shit out of you. I just want to put you verbally and I feel bad about that.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's no case.

[Leslie Jones]

I felt every time for the longest, I was like, like Conan hates me. Cuz every time he sees me, I give him such shit. And he just be standing there like, what the fuck are you doing?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, I don't say that's not true. I always love it. I always love it.

[Leslie Jones]

I'm like. He's like, she's so mean.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why? Why would I have you here? Conan o' Brien needs a friend and have sit across from you.

[Leslie Jones]

I even got my invited. I got my publicist to call him. I was like, please call. Do you know Conan? Can you please text him or call him and tell him that I don't. Cuz you were hosted the Oscars or something. Which I thought you did so good.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Leslie Jones]

I actually thought you really did good. And I was like, can you tell him that I don't hate him.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, but I always. I mean, I never took it that way. I know.

[Leslie Jones]

I just.

[Conan O'Brien]

Most of the way that I enjoy people is them telling me I'm a ridiculous cartoon character that somehow came to life. I enjoy.

[Leslie Jones]

But you're funny, too, though.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I know. Why don't you go tell Messi he's a pretty good soccer player? I mean. I'm sorry, who's Messi?

[Leslie Jones]

Lionel Messi.

[Conan O'Brien]

The Argentinian.

[Leslie Jones]

Well, why you say he?

[Conan O'Brien]

Because I.

[Joe]

He's making a ridiculous comparison.

[David]

I'm not.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, no, no. Not at all. Not at all. I am the World cup winner of the Chuckle Getters. The un. Yeah. That's the proud tradition I'm in. The Chuckle Getters. I'm not a comedian.

[Leslie Jones]

What is happening right now? Are you having a stroke?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm having a.

[Leslie Jones]

Is this what happens? Y' all just entertain this. You are delusional, buddy.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not at all.

[Joe]

Thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not at all. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

[Leslie Jones]

You is a fool.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm a fool. I'm the. I'm a. I'm. I'm just made of 100.

[Leslie Jones]

You create laughter. That's not laughter.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm made of 100% foolishness.

[Matt Gourley]

You really are.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's talk about Kenan Thompson for a second. Because. Because you. I love Kenan, and he's been on that show, I think, since 1935. I think he joined when FDR was in his first term, and he's still there. But I've always thought, what is it about this guy? He's really funny, but he also feels like he's the glue. And then I was reading you said somewhere you think if Kenan leaves, the whole thing is gonna go apart because he's like. And I thought, yeah, I think you're right.

[Leslie Jones]

Well, I mean, you know, SNL is an institution. It will always go on. I just don't think it'd be the same, I think, without Kenan. But we thought that about Seth Meyers, too, and we thought that about Jimmy Fallon. We thought that about a lot of people that came. But Kenan is just like. First of all, let me just say Kenan. When my brother passed away, me and my brother didn't have the best relationship. But when I met Kenan, Kenan literally automatically became my brother. Like, he became the nicest version of what my brother was like. My brother could be what Kenan was, if that made any sense. And he is just truly himself and very. What do you call it when someone comes around and Just automatically gets respect. I don't know. Like, he's just very respectful. So when people. When he comes around, it's like, you know. You know, he's just.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, you know, the word I think of with him is. It's like he's grounding somehow. Like, he's very. He's very comfortable being himself. You know, it's a waste of time to say he's funny, because that's a given. He's really funny. But he's always. He's like a quiet grounding presence.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, my God. You would not believe how many times Kenan has had to ground me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

I mean, he would be laughing at me because I would be so frustrated. I'd be like, I can't understand that. And Ken would just be like, man, I don't know why you let that bother you, man. Yeah, that don't got nothing to do with you. Just come to work, come to work, do your work, leave work. And he just knows how to put everything in the place. That.

[Conan O'Brien]

And that's another thing too. And this isn't a diss on snl, but it isn't always the healthiest place.

[Leslie Jones]

It's not.

[Conan O'Brien]

It really isn't.

[Leslie Jones]

You have to be a samurai mentally.

[Conan O'Brien]

Awesome. And it does a number. And I've seen very. I don't. Kenan's one of the few people I've seen be at that show for a long time. Always have a positive impact. Always be a star. Always be a star player. But you get the sense that it's not taking something away from him.

[Leslie Jones]

It's not. And that's the thing. He knows how to put it in its place. He never let it get out of the place that it was. He would just. He was like, you're so frustrated for nothing. This is a job. Leave this job. Come back to this job. He was like, anything. Leave that shit here. He was like, these people gonna do what they wanna do. Just be you. Be you, care about you. And. And I didn't get it until I got ready to leave, you know, but, yeah, he's incredible. An incredible human, incredible father. He loves his kids. Great father, great man.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's funny, cause you're in that same category for me of someone who always knows you always know exactly who you are.

[Leslie Jones]

Well, that took a lot though, Conan. You know, I mean, thank God they got me at 47. I'm so glad they didn't get me in my 20s and my 30s.

[David]

Isn't that true?

[Conan O'Brien]

It's so funny, because I can't think of you as being other than how I've known you.

[Leslie Jones]

Right?

[Conan O'Brien]

And you.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. And in my 20s and 30s, I would have fucked you. I wouldn't have cared if you had a girlfriend. Whatever. I'd have been like, let's go hook up.

[Conan O'Brien]

So where were you then? How come we didn't? Where were you living? And when you were, how were they doing on that time machine technology?

[Leslie Jones]

Because you definitely would have got some pussy from Leslie.

[Joe]

No. You're short circuiting.

[Conan O'Brien]

No.

[Leslie Jones]

Why? Is it really weird? It feels like he's disappearing, like he's fading back into

[Conan O'Brien]

just thinking about that time machine technology.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah, I was.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's the meanest thing someone could. Oh, I'd have fucked you back then. Wait, when? Where were you? How would I have located you?

[Leslie Jones]

Fuck you now you're married. Your wife would hate you. Me?

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, she might say, take him.

[Leslie Jones]

She might be like, can you, can you take him?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

No, I, I was wild. I was wild. I was wild. I was still. I was still doing comedy and stuff.

[Conan O'Brien]

Were you happy? Oh, yeah. That's a good description. In and out like a storm system.

[Leslie Jones]

I was living my life and I was learning how to be a person, how to even think of myself as a human. People don't understand that that's a real thing. When you're in your 20s and stuff, you don't even see yourself as a grownup because you coming out of living with your parents or whatever. So you gotta start learning how to be who you are and your body and what you like, what you like to eat, what you like to do for fun. And I had fun. I had fun. I had my crushes. I had my horror phase. I had it all. I, I, I, I try to.

[Conan O'Brien]

I try to.

[Leslie Jones]

I, I just like you getting real happy.

[Conan O'Brien]

Think about it.

[Leslie Jones]

No, because it's like when I, When I am on my deathbed, I'm gonna be able to go, I'm so glad I fucked that dude.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And then you wake up 10 minutes later.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

And then I'll be like, oh, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

That should have fucked Conan.

[Leslie Jones]

God damn it.

[Conan O'Brien]

God damn it. I'll be your cranberry. You're the one that got away. I'm the one that got away. Well, Case, So it's funny. No, no, but you. I'm bringing out of people. But we have.

[Leslie Jones]

I really do.

[Conan O'Brien]

I really do.

[Matt Gourley]

You put it back there.

[Leslie Jones]

You really do. You really do.

[Conan O'Brien]

I Go into people and eradicate it.

[Leslie Jones]

That's so funny. But like I said, I had to learn that shit. And, man, I'm so glad that I took the journey I took because it made me not only a better person, it makes me a better comic, you know? And I tell everybody this all the time. Please, just go through the fire. Don't avoid the fire. Don't put the fire out. Just go through it. You become such a warrior. Just live your life. Go through that bad shit. Don't avoid it. Be your own best friend. You know what I'm saying? Not a fucking asshole. Like, if you knew an asshole, you would tell them they were an asshole. If you're being an asshole, tell yourself you're being an asshole. So it's okay. You go to sleep with yourself. You wake up with yourself, you eat with yourself. You better start fucking liking yourself. And once you do that, I swear you become this person that emulates joy instead of pain. You really want to go out? And ever since I've done what I've done to get to where I am, every time I see people, if they're down, I'm like. I'm always like, come on, come through this. Come.

[Joe]

Come on.

[Leslie Jones]

You're so everyone. This is the problem, too. If everyone would stop thinking that they're a normal person, that they're just like the run of the mill, that could stop so many problems. You're not. You're a specific piece of art that was made by God. No one's like you. No one's like you. No one's like, no one in this room. You are the only person that's you. And it's a damn shame that you have put yourself in a closet instead of making the gallery to show that art that God has made. And you down here trying to be somebody else, like, that's not your mission. Your mission is to be you. Because whatever is in you that's been put in you is supposed to help the equation of this community. And that's what we forgot. Community. Everybody is here for each other. Your magic makes my magic. My magic makes your magic. Everybody has magic. And we're supposed to do it together. And it's a damn shame you're not doing because it's so much self hate. And I'm gonna tell everybody right now, the way to beat what's going on right now. All this hate is very proven. The only way it's gonna be beaten is by love. Love can only be hate. Hate can only kill itself. Love multiplies. I'M telling you right now, you're gonna have to go into yourself. Just go into yourself, find that negative and positive button and just click it on. Because only you can do it. And it's not the easiest thing. Cause once you click it on, you're gonna be tested. But go through the test. Go through it. Be who you are. That's okay. You're special.

[David]

That's.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I bet. Do we have an applause button? That's insane. No, but what I'm saying. Hold on, hold on. What? You're. That was beautiful and perfect. One of the things that really resonates with me that I want younger people to know is exactly what you said. I believe everything that you're talking about. I wouldn't have understood it in my 20s.

[Matt Gourley]

Me neither.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't think I would have understood it in my 30s. When I look at my life, you know, we are a culture that really puts youth on a pedestal, which is fine. But at my age, I'm happier now than I used to be because I've just been through a lot of shit. And I really have that perspective now. And when things are happening now, I tend to look around and go, huh, well, this is interesting.

[Leslie Jones]

And it's having a joy. During the chaos, you gotta keep a constant joy, and you gotta seek joy. You can't wait for it to come to you. You gotta seek it and want it and hold it, and it makes you. Like you said, the chaos can be going on, and you'll be like, this is crazy. Yeah, this is crazy. Like, I done gotten to the point of my life where when things happen, I'd be like, all right, so what do we do? We can do this. But I'm not at the point where, oh, my God, my life. I auditioned for Last Comic Stand, and they didn't pick me. Conan. For three days I was in my bed crying. Could not understand. I can't get past that. And now I look back at that and go, God damn it. You wasted three days of sunshine and wonderfulness over that. But, you know.

[Conan O'Brien]

But at that age, hindsight.

[Leslie Jones]

At that age, hindsight. 20.

[Conan O'Brien]

20. I used to. And I've talked to many people about this, and I've mentioned it a lot, but I used to. I've given speeches about this, but I used to hit these obstacles, and I'd be told no, And I would think, think, that's it. It's over. And I look at that guy now, and I think, you were 27. What are you talking about?

[Leslie Jones]

He had just developed at 25. So you're actually just 2 years old?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, honestly. But there are times when I'm here in LA and I'm young, person's talking to me and they'll say, yeah, I'm 26. And they say it like I missed my shot. And I'm like, well, yeah, maybe if you want to be in the Olympics and you haven't started that sport yet, maybe that's a tall hill to climb. But no, you're just getting started. Did you know college students get 50% off a Walmart plus membership? Who knew? I didn't until they gave me this piece of paper. I didn't know. And it's amazing because with Walmart plus, free same day delivery can often save the day. Especially in college. Between studying, classes, nights in and nights out, it's nice to have groceries and more that come to you. I could have used this back in my day. Yeah, I used to just suck on pebbles when I found it on the road. Yeah, I didn't have a way to get food in my dorm. Picture it. There's a paper due in six hours. A group project that somehow became one person's project. Hello, roommate. Won't stop sneezing in the next bed. Walmart, your favorite study snacks, cold brew and cold medicine can show up right at your door. If you have Walmart plus, you got this stuff right away, right? Need a new moisturizer? Replace the one of your room borrowed. Well, that's a strangely specific thing to say. Well, guess what? Delivered free. The perks of Walmart for students are something you might not learn in any of your courses, but that's what this ad on your favorite podcast is for. Try Walmart plus free for 30 days, subject to availability, $35 minimum restrictions apply. Big news. Sona.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you know T Mobile recently recently partnered with the National Park Foundation?

[Joe]

No way.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep. They're making it easier to stay connected, so you're free to wander.

[Joe]

Well, that's really cool.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I love a national park. I really do.

[Joe]

I do too.

[Conan O'Brien]

Now, there's one thing you have to have if you're doing that good signal, it's a priority. Do you know what I mean? You got your maps, your music, this podcast. Yeah, so take America's best network plus their off grid satellite coverage with you. Look, we're all a little spoiled, but we like to have access to all our stuff. Stuff. And suddenly you don't have it because of a bad signal. That's when I throw my phone into the Grand Canyon.

[Joe]

Oh, okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Literally filled half the Grand Canyon with phones. Then I got T mobile. Never had to chuck them again, you know.

[Joe]

Good.

[Conan O'Brien]

So wander over to T mobile.com and switch best based on analysis by UKLA of speed test intelligence data for 2H 2025. Wow, that's some sentence. T satellite with capable device in most outdoor areas in US where you see the sky, that's important. You got to see the sky.

[Leslie Jones]

Yep.

[Conan O'Brien]

Service may be limited or unavailable. Included with experience beyond or $10 per month auto renews cancel anytime. That was probably meant to be said by a robot really quickly, but I just did it slowly so you could really understand. Disclaimer Please do not throw your phone into the Grand Canyon. This is a paid ad by by BetterHelp. All of us learn about stigmas when we're a kid. Things we're probably not supposed to talk about. Things we're not supposed to share. Maybe be a little ashamed of. Even in 2026, stigma can get in the way of a lot of things, like getting support for your mental health. Unbelievably, that's still an issue for people. Yes, maybe you've encouraged friends to consider therapy while avoiding taking the first step yourself because you're busy or you're worried what others would think, or you're telling yourself you can handle it alone. Yeah, this is a situation where you can't do it alone. You need to talk to someone else. But therapy with BetterHelp, the world's largest online therapy platform, can be a space to slow down and talk through what's been building before. It feels unmanageable. Here's how it works. You just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences. And BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. That's huge. Their industry leading match rate means BetterHelp typically gets it right the first time. You can feel confident knowing betterhelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. We have never had that here at the show and unlike us, they are fully qualified. Don't let hesitation hold you back. Find support with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] Conan that's betterhelp.com Con Conan.

[Leslie Jones]

It's not over until you're dead. That's what I tell people. You know what I'm saying? Like, and, and you look at these young people and you want to just go, but they have to learn. Yeah, they have to learn their way. But what I always tell the the hope right now, you know, we had a lot more hope. I Think in our generation, yeah, the hope now is just because it's. Everything is just so played out. All the rules are being broken. Our. What do they call it? Balances and checks and balances is just fucking.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, also just civility.

[Leslie Jones]

It's just so awful now. And I don't know if we went through a stage of children, started raising children, you know what I mean? And you know, I just.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think the Internet is a piece of this shit. I really do think.

[Leslie Jones]

Piece of shit.

[Conan O'Brien]

I really do think the Internet, it's very much. It's not all of it, but we were suddenly handed this. I mean, an entire history of humans that's been hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years. And then literally three seconds ago, we were handed this thing that tells us what everyone's thinking all the time and

[Leslie Jones]

that we should pay attention to it and like it so we can make sure that they feel validated. It's dopamine. It's another. It's the worst drug that's ever been put out online.

[Conan O'Brien]

And again, it's available to everybody.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah. And again it pushes. You gotta be famous to be anyone. And that's not true. That's not true. I think the two most important people in the world are the garbage men and teachers. That's what I think. I've always thought that who's gonna take care of the garbage? But the garbage men, they are fucking very important. Let them not be. Show up to work. We fucked teachers. Everybody in here had to have a teacher at some point in their life. Even if you didn't go to school at some point you had a teacher. Presidents have teachers. How are they not the highest paid? What are we striving for in this country but to be. Try to be better than what we always was? That's what the generations are, right? We want the generation.

[Conan O'Brien]

We want to advance.

[Leslie Jones]

And we advancing, but we're advancing in. Like J. Cole said, congratulations, you came a long way, but I'm so sorry you went the wrong way. You know what I'm saying? It's like we've over saturated. We don't have no balance. We're either all the way over here or we're all the way over here. And until we learn that balance is what life is, we're gonna be some miserable motherfuckers. People always go, oh, well, you know, why does this happen to me? And why does it. It rains on the just as it does the unjust. You do not, Mr. Rain, just because you're special. You gotta Go through sadness to know what happiness is. You don't know what success is until you're not successful. You just, you won't know the fucking difference. Like, you gotta have some reference and stop thinking of mistakes as mistakes. Thinking of, Think of them as levels. Start playing a video game with your level life. Ooh, I beat that level. Because I promise you're not going to get off that level until you beat that level. And it's like, it's like appreciation is the way, like you said, the Internet has been. Listen, you should be happy. You have a ragged ass car. You should be happy. You have a one bed, a studio. You could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You're blessed. You can get up and get a glass of water out of your kitchen. Doesn't matter if your kitchen is right there, but you could do it. You can warm up your food. You got a car. You got a car. If you don't appreciate what you got right now, what makes you think that you should be blessed with more? That's just like a parent. If you had a kid and you gave a kid a toy and they threw the toy to the side and said, I want another toy. You're gonna be like, excuse me, go play with the toy I just gave you. Why would I give you something else when you just told me that that toy was shit? I'm telling everybody. It's all the obvious things that you're thinking is what is supposed to happen? We have lost our way. We've lost our way as just trying to evolve. The change is. We're so scared. Everything is happening right now because someone decided back in the day that we wasn't gonna change. These was gonna be the rules. This is how. And Trump is a piece of shit, but Trump did come in here and show us that our shit ain't as tight as we thought. Yeah, he literally is going. He's telling everybody they're not going to do anything. They're just going to bitch. That's all they're going to do. And the Democrats are showing up to a gunfight with a piece of cake. And the old Democrats should know to just go away, just sit down and let the more progressive and aggressive Democrats step up and fight this fight the way that they're fighting it. Gavin Newsom, to me, was great. The way he was responding. Everybody should respond like that. We're scared of someone and I don't know why we're scared of them. We are looking at the most obvious problem and it's Showing that us as a community have been beaten to submission and forgotten that we are the people. We're the people. We're the people. Are we gonna watch this crumble down or are we gonna do something? And as comedians, we are part of that, too. When I go out, I try to make people laugh like a motherfucker. Cause you need an hour of relief, child. That's what our job is. Our job is to take you away from your problems for a little while and maybe laugh at them, too. Because you leave there going, you know what? That shit ain't so bad. You know, that person that was on stage just told me that she's going through what I'm going through, too. Like, community. Get out. Touch some grass. Get the. Turn your fucking TV off.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm not touching grass.

[Leslie Jones]

Like, no, but.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I'm not gonna touch some fucking tv.

[Leslie Jones]

You shouldn't touch grass. You shouldn't touch grass. You shouldn't.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what? I was with you the whole way.

[Leslie Jones]

You shouldn't touch grass. You touching grass, you would literally turn into a welt.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Let me mention this because it's important.

[Leslie Jones]

No, no. This is pretty.

[Conan O'Brien]

That was good. That was fantastic. That was healing. Eduardo, I think you've changed Eduardo's level.

[Leslie Jones]

People want me to be president, but I'm too hard. Just like Ted Danson asked me. He was like, yeah, but I'm going to implement. I'm going to implement. Implement. See, I can't even say implement. I'm worse than Trump, But I am going to implement volcanoes.

[Conan O'Brien]

You want volcanoes?

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, we should definitely start throwing people in a volcano. Oh, that's what you meant. Not sacrifices. What are we sacrificing for?

[Matt Gourley]

I don't have people doing.

[Leslie Jones]

No, throw their ass in the volcano. Fuck this deaf center shit. Throw their ass in the volcano. Throw a couple of these motherfuckers at a volcano and see if people start showing what we got them for. What do we have volcanoes for?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, why did we get those volcanoes?

[Leslie Jones]

What are they for? Seriously, what are they for?

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I think they're there because pressure within the Earth, hot gases needs to be expelled because of the magma, the liquid core. Of course, plate tech tonics probably plays a part in it.

[Joe]

Sure, sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, so for all those reasons, I don't think that we have to throw people into Vulgaris.

[Leslie Jones]

I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we do.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's the debate of our times.

[Leslie Jones]

I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we. It's so Much cheaper than the death sentence.

[Conan O'Brien]

And true, they are existing already.

[Leslie Jones]

And I'm just saying we get one helicopter, get one of them little things and strap them to that. And then fly would have.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, you drop them like bombs.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah, like. And televised that shit. And let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Since we are throwing them in a volcano, it's going to bless us.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. I think you said a lot of really beautiful, inspiring things, but you ended on your strongest point yet, which is we need to start throwing people into volcanoes. The return of civility. Yeah, no, we gotta.

[Leslie Jones]

I love.

[Conan O'Brien]

If you look at it, if you look at a timeline of your. It's like kindness, civility, we're in this together. Volcano. Hey, I meant to mention this. You have a new HGTV show called Roast My Rental where you. And this is really appealing to one of your strengths, which is you can tear someone apart. I know from firsthand experience. You go into these properties. Right, right. And you look at these properties that are not always the best. Was that a fair thing?

[Leslie Jones]

Exactly what I said. It's stanking here. Stank. Why do you have. There was a dude that had a picture of himself at the end of the bed. Nobody wants.

[Conan O'Brien]

You've been to my house.

[Leslie Jones]

What the. Why do you have.

[Conan O'Brien]

By the way, that's not a picture, that's a poster.

[Leslie Jones]

No, but I'm saying it's in the vacation rental. I don't want to wake up to the. He had a picture of his family and I lost my shit. Conan. I. I had to apologize to him cuz he was like, oh, that's my family. I said, man, don't nobody give a. About your family.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh my God, that's so great. So this is you. This is you going through. This is you going through and laying waste, telling them exactly what they have to do to improve their rental property.

[Leslie Jones]

And then I bring in my designer, Jasmine Roth, and she rent.

[Conan O'Brien]

She makes it nice.

[Leslie Jones]

Yes. And we have done some crazy properties. You would not believe the delusion that people have.

[Conan O'Brien]

I would.

[Leslie Jones]

Y'.

[David]

All.

[Leslie Jones]

We did a spaceship. We did a spaceship in Joshua Tree.

[Conan O'Brien]

So someone had a place that was a spaceship.

[David]

Let me.

[Leslie Jones]

Spaceship.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let me see if I'm getting this right.

[Leslie Jones]

In the desert.

[Conan O'Brien]

Spaceship in the desert.

[Leslie Jones]

In the desert home. Where snakes and spiders is, homie. Like. And for real, when we were driving in there, I ain't see no people. So I was like, oh, vampires. Immediately. Yeah, immediately. Vampires. And then he drove up. So I'm fussing. I'm like, this is Crazy. Only white people do this. Only white people do this.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, yes, we do. And Matt and I are like high fiving each other under the table.

[Leslie Jones]

Only white people do that. And then a black guy drives up, he gets out the truck. I said, brother, what the. How you gonna buy a spaceship? And then the white girl got out and I was like, oh, and we want a spaceship. Everybody fell out. It was so funny. That sounds great. That wasn't even the worst property we did. So.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, you've done 11. It's a 12 episode season. Says here 11. I don't know what's going on.

[Leslie Jones]

Maybe you got. Maybe that's trying to tell me something. Shit.

[Conan O'Brien]

But this sounds great. This sounds so awesome. I had a horribly embarrassing. This made me think of a horribly embarrassing moment the other day. But we met some people and I were chatting with them and they were talking about, you know, oh, yeah, we'd love to see your house. And I said, well, it's. Come on in. Because I'm always that way. I always invite people in. So I invited these people in who I don't really know that well. And I was showing them around the house, and what I forgot is that my wife for my birthday, there was a. When I was doing the Oscars, someone took a really good black and white photograph of me holding the Oscars. And my wife, just for fun, got me a copy of that picture. And she put like a cheap frame around it, like as sort of a joke. And she leaned it again and she had given it to me. And I went, oh, that's so nice. And I just leaned it against the wall. It was just a quick nothing. And we. And these people walk through and there's this picture of me. And I'm like. They just think I'm the biggest asshole in the world. My wife was laughing, but they just thought I was insane. And I just thought of that when you said, who has a picture of themselves?

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, I got so many pictures of myself. I got so many pictures of myself.

[Conan O'Brien]

If I go through your house, you're gonna have pictures of you.

[Leslie Jones]

You know what? And I wasn't a picture person when I got to snl, I just became a picture person. I was so good at it too. I got so many selfies and pictures with people. And so when you come in, I have a billion pictures. I love pictures. I love it.

[Conan O'Brien]

You always say yes to pictures, right?

[Leslie Jones]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, I do too. Do you realize that we've each taken pictures with murderers and maybe mass murderers? Cause I think of the. I Always say yes to selfies. I never really know who the person is. No, no, I don't know who they are. I don't. I don't know who they are. I'm just saying, you know that you have a selfie with a murderer.

[Matt Gourley]

You mean just statistically.

[Conan O'Brien]

Statistically.

[Joe]

Oh, okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Statistically, like, it's like statistically you've. Someone said, oh, I love you and you put your arm around me.

[Leslie Jones]

How will we find out?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't think we do. Well, sometimes if you show me the picture, I can tell you like, that's a murderer.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm telling you, statistically you have. You've taken a picture with a murderer.

[Leslie Jones]

Cuz I've been to some, some. I've been to Texas, so.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, well, it's a law there. You have to murder. Well, this show sounds fantastic. You are an absolute delight. You just really are. You just. Aw, thank you so much.

[Matt Gourley]

That was.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no. But you know, the thing is.

[Leslie Jones]

Stupid thing is I think. I don't think we got anything. Cuz we were laughing most of the time.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, yeah, until you said some really beautiful, profound things. Then we got into volcanoes. But that might be my fav.

[David]

That might be my favorite.

[Leslie Jones]

I should think about that. I think that y' all should go home.

[Conan O'Brien]

My favorite was when you said, why do we have these volcanoes if not to throw people into them?

[Leslie Jones]

That's what I'm saying. They didn't listen.

[Joe]

They didn't.

[Conan O'Brien]

We didn't build these things.

[Leslie Jones]

But I'm saying they done did all the other stuff it's supposed to do.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep.

[Leslie Jones]

It's like hot lava waiting to be used.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're right. You're right, it is.

[Leslie Jones]

They ain't making buildings out of it. They're not making nothing else out of it. Why we got hot lava down here and we ain't doing something.

[Conan O'Brien]

I am joining this campaign. We have these volcanoes. They should be put to use. We should start.

[Leslie Jones]

Do you know how awesome. Do you know how great that everyone would start acting? People would go to therapy. Everybody will be like, I do not want to die in a volcano.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know that I'd be thrown in very quickly, but maybe that's for the good of the earth.

[Leslie Jones]

Maybe Conan, you wouldn't make it to the top, dude. Just a heat emulsifating Conan, I know

[Conan O'Brien]

you'd get with me.

[Leslie Jones]

You wouldn't disconnect.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're dealt with then like, the volcano's 25 miles away. We're almost there. You look back, you just smell. I smell Ham cooking. You look down, there's just a skeleton with a red pompadour.

[Leslie Jones]

No, it's more like corned beef.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, corned beef. All right.

[Leslie Jones]

Yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Leslie Jones, go with God. Go in peace. Please come back soon. And you have to do the make fun of me anytime you, like, have a poke at a leprechaun, make fun of him. It's for the good of all.

[Leslie Jones]

I can imagine. That voice. I would make you do that voice if he had sex. Oh, I would. So.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, I'm coming in here. I am coming.

[Leslie Jones]

I would. I would want him to be like, how do you want it, baby?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, how would you like it? I'm here. I come. I'm on my way. Okay, Sorry. Having a little trouble.

[David]

Trouble.

[Conan O'Brien]

Give me a second. Where is me? Where's me blue pill?

[Matt Gourley]

What's the opposite of pornography?

[Conan O'Brien]

Where's me blue pill? Oh, I'm getting distracted. Oh, now I'm on the computer. No, I'm coming back. Pure birth control.

[Leslie Jones]

Oh, it's birth control.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God.

[Joe]

Oh, God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Just dropped around. Sensual podcast of all time.

[Leslie Jones]

I will record it and then sell it to tmz.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Leslie Jones]

That would be the best thing ever.

[Conan O'Brien]

Be like, well, we're good. We're okay. Leslie, thank you so much.

[Leslie Jones]

Thank you, Leslie.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love you. Come just make fun of me anytime. And when you see me, just kick the shit out of me, please.

[Leslie Jones]

No, I can't now. I have to be nice to you whenever I see you now. I'm gonna just be nice to you, and it's gonna piss you off every time.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm gonna hate that.

[Leslie Jones]

You're gonna be like, ugh, what is this?

[Matt Gourley]

Conan o' Brien needs a friend? With Conan o', Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign [e-mail] Conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O' Brien needs a Friend. Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded,

[Conan O'Brien]

Finding a skilled hire takes more than just reviewing a resume. You know what I mean? You can't just go bleep bleep bleep bleep. That doesn't get it done. As AI raises the bar on how experience is presented, hiring managers need better ways to evaluate skills and fit. That's where Robert Half can help the recruiters combine their expertise with award winning AI to review what's behind every application quickly. And that's important quickly. Who's got time these days? No one. Learn how they can help you find specialized talent in finance, accounting, technology, and more at Robert they know talent. Visit roberthalf.com talent today now more than ever, America needs a laugh. Enter this Wait, that's us. We provide the laughs. Why am I promoting someone else?

[Joe]

Are you not laughing?

[Conan O'Brien]

If you're not laughing listening to Conan and Sona, then enter the Super Troopers to the rescue. Vermont's finest and most shockingly offensive highway patrol officers return to the big screen in Super Trooper. In this latest installment of the cult comedy classic, Rod Farber's engagement to Thorny's sister spirals out of control. A debaucherous bachelor party, a wedding that Thorny's desperate to stop, and a dangerous drug smuggling ring all threaten the troupe's friendships and future. So if you need laughs, don't listen to us. Fill your liter of cola, grab your buds, and roll up to the multiplex for Super Troopers 3, only in theaters August 7th. Get tickets? Meow.