B (2:24)

Fence Books and pens I can tell.

A (2:26)

That we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends hey, Conan o' Brien here, and I'm sitting with Matt and Sona. And this is a special episode of Conan o' Brien Needs a Friend. Today I'm welcoming Mary Bronstein, the director of a film that I'm in, which is a strange thing to say, because that's something I didn't expect from my kooky career. But Mary Bronstein has made, I think, a really terrific film, and it stars Rose Byrne, and it's called if I Had Legs, I'd Kick youk. I'm in the movie as well, and so is A$AP Rocky. There's a lot of just brain twisters here.

B (3:15)

Yeah.

A (3:15)

Because America has been saying, how come Conan O' Brien and A$AP Rocky haven't been in a film together yet? Well, guess what? Problem solved. We're in a film together. New Bogey and Bacall. We are Tracy and Hepburn. If all of our movies were just together now, we' Hope and Crosby. But it was a wonderful experience. The movie's out now, and it's in New York, and it's in Los Angeles, and I think it will start appearing in other areas soon after that. And I'm just very happy. Just very happy for. Congratulations. Well, thank you.

B (3:53)

This is exciting for you.

A (3:54)

I get these. I'm in some intense scenes with Rose Byrne, who is, I think, one of the great actors on the planet right now. I really do. She can do anything.

B (4:07)

I love her so much.

A (4:08)

Yeah, well, get in line, buddy.

B (4:10)

Okay.

A (4:11)

I didn't mean to be that aggressive. I know we both can like her. Okay. That's all right. Just not as much as me. I like her more. So this is a chat with the director, Mary Bronstein, who is such an impressive force, and she made this whole world spring from her mind, and it was just an honor to get to work with her. So we'll be talking to her today. Please welcome Mary Bronstein. Did you manifest this whole relationship?

B (4:51)

Yes, I did.

A (4:52)

You did? Actually, there's a whole story here.

B (4:54)

Oh, yeah. We're gonna get into it.

A (4:56)

Let me initiate anyone who doesn't know what's going. Mary Bronstein, very talented screenwriter, director, auteur, has made a movie I did called if I Had Legs, I'd Kick youk. This is not your first movie, but you made this film, and it stars Rose Byrne. And I'm in there too. Improbably, we'll get to that glitch in your career. But the response has been fantastic and stunning and the movie's coming out soon. Working with you has been a joy and a great journey. I don't get to say journey often, but it really has been a journey. And I'm just so delighted you're here.

B (5:43)

Really I am. This is like a Twilight Zone moment for me. You know, I'm staying in this hotel on the Sunset Strip. Across the street is the Viper Room and the whiskey. I go into my hotel room. On the coffee table in the hotel room is a magazine with Rose on the COVID of it, with me inside of it, talking in the magazine. Not talking in the magazine. Quote, it quoted in the magazine.

A (6:10)

But soon talking magazines are coming.

B (6:12)

I just invented that copyright tablet. That's called a tablet. That's called a tablet of the talking magazine.

A (6:19)

I had to interject in this very important moment. So you're painting a great story and then. And then.

B (6:25)

Someone ruined it. I'm going to take it back. I'm going to grab it back, and then I'm here. And I have been a fan of yours since, you know, day one, day one of your original show, September 13, 1993. And I am freshly 14 years old. Freshly.

A (6:47)

And we actually had, like an encounter.

B (6:50)

Didn'T we, over a fax machine.

A (6:52)

Yeah.

B (6:53)

Steamy. Yeah. As one of the best.

A (6:57)

The best romantic scenes take place over.

B (7:01)

A fax machine in the early 90s. That's what you did.

A (7:04)

Yeah.

B (7:05)

Yes, I.

A (7:06)

You were a young fan of the show and you were a real fan.

B (7:09)

Oh, I. Can we. Yeah, we can get into that if you want, but I can. Yes, I was a real fan. And so I had a school project where it was like, pick a career that you want to have and then interview a person in the career. And because this will tell you everything about me and my personality, I said, well, I want to be in show business. I'm an interview Conan o'. Marie. And what I did was I figured out. I did some sleuthing, some early 90s sleuthing, which is hard to do.

A (7:42)

No Internet.

B (7:43)

No Internet. And there was a little booklet that they used to sell in the drama book shop in New York City called Ross Reports Television. Do you know what I'm talking about?

A (7:54)

No.

B (7:55)

And in it, it had every television show and the contact information it was for actors to use to submit to television shows.

A (8:05)

Sure.

B (8:05)

So that's how I got the phone number to the office of the show. And I called and I spoke to some woman and I told her what I wanted to do. And she goes, I can't promise that he's gonna do it, but here's the fax number. Fax the questions. And I live in a suburb, and here, literally, I don't have a fax machine in my house. So I literally walked down to the gas station. Walked down the gas station with my papers.

A (8:31)

I love this portrait of another time. And I finished churning my butter.

B (8:35)

I did.

A (8:36)

And I walked down to the gas station.

B (8:37)

I showed my own outfit, and I put it on, and I, you know, and I walked down to the gas station and I faxed it. And then I. And then I was like, but wait a minute. How am I going to know if it faxes back? So then every, literally for the next week, every probably, like, two hours, I called the gas station. Did I get fax? Did I get a fax? And one day they said, yes, you did. And I go. And you answered my questions, man. And you revealed some things. Like, I know that you took tap dancing lessons when you were a kid, because you put that in the questions. I wrote my essay. The teacher gave me an A. But also didn't kind of believe it, I think, yeah, a little bit. A little bit. But that happened. And also that says a lot about. It says a lot about me. My middle name is Tenacity. And it says a lot about you. Your middle name is Mensch. And that is.

A (9:33)

And also Time on his hands is my other middle name.

B (9:37)

Look, I don't know.

A (9:38)

I'm just gonna fax some gas stations.

B (9:39)

And it was in your handwriting. You filled it out with your handwriting. You didn't bother to type it. Let's get that.

A (9:48)

My handwriting is like typing. Do you still have that fax?

B (9:51)

I do. And I should have brought it.

A (9:53)

That's okay.

B (9:53)

But I didn't. But I do.

A (9:55)

I don't want people to see that. I do. Little smiley faces, and I dot my eyes with smiley faces and then a heart.

B (10:01)

But it was a beautiful thing. And I. And I. It was something that. I know that. That really, I was like, oh, people in show business, you can. It's not inaccessible. That was my first. That was. I grew up. My parents were teachers. I grew up in a suburb. I grew up like, I didn't know anyone who was in show business or anyone that was even making an artist. The fact that you could make a living as an artist, I didn't know about that.

A (10:28)

That's exactly my same experience was growing up. And I've said this a million times, never saw anyone Famous. I felt like I was as far from show business. I didn't think it was something that I could ever do. It was, you know, saying, oh, yeah, I'll live on Mars. I mean, it was absolutely.

B (10:46)

It feels that far away. It feels that far away.

A (10:49)

And so, you know, it's funny, because I want to now tell the story of how I come into this whole picture.

B (10:58)

Yes, please do.

A (10:59)

Which is one day I was going down to a place that's near my house to get some stuff for lunch. My phone rings, and it's Adam Sandler. So I rush to a fax machine. No, I pick it up, and he's like, hey, buddy, is it okay if I give one of the safdie brothers your phone number? He wants Josh Safdie. Josh Safdie. Is it okay if I give Josh Safdie from A24? Someone wants you in a film. An A24 film.

B (11:40)

Some lady.

A (11:40)

Some lady. And I said, what? And he said, do you want to just look at the script? And I said, I guess so. I mean, yeah, I guess so. And he went, that's right, buddy. Like, are you stupid? A 24 safdie script lady that you don't know. Yeah, lady that I don't know who claims she has a letter from you. And so I read the script, and I. Again, I don't pretend to know. This is not my world. I can't say that enough. But I read the script, and I immediately thought, there is a. This is a very original voice. This is a very original story. And there's great tone control. There's just. There's a tone to this movie that just comes off the page. And again, I'm saying this as someone who doesn't read scripts professionally. I don't know of that world, but I know what I like. And so you and I had a meeting, and I took the meeting just to try and maybe talk you out of having me.

B (12:43)

That was the meeting.

A (12:44)

Yeah, it was.

B (12:45)

You kept saying, I love the script. I want to do it. I can't do it. I've never acted. I don't think I can do it. I do want to do it, but I can't do it. That was the whole meeting.

A (12:57)

And then I said, it's like Faye Dunaway in Chinatown. You kept slapping me. I don't want to do it. I got to do it.

B (13:02)

My sister, my mother, my sister, my brother, 100%. And so it was one of those moments. And so I said to you, well, I think you can do it. And then you Said that you were in a place in your life where you were doing like a radical. Yes, Yes.

A (13:17)

I was saying yes to things that scared me.

B (13:19)

That scared you. And you said, so that's the place that I'm gonna say yes from. And then you said, but if I. You said. You made me promise you that if you sucked, that I would fire you and that we could still be friends.

A (13:30)

Yeah, it's not too late for that. Just so.

B (13:33)

It is. It literally is too late.

A (13:35)

That's why you're here. Too late.

B (13:37)

If I.

A (13:37)

If I. If she does feel that way, but it's too late.

B (13:41)

I could go back to the editing room, but if you see the movie, it'd be very bizarre if I edited you out.

A (13:46)

You could just. Funny if you just cut from Rose Byrne talking to me. And it's just a bag of golf balls.

B (13:53)

Just a bag of golf balls that says therapist.

A (13:55)

That has a crude face painted on it.

B (13:57)

Yeah, therapist here.

A (14:00)

So.

B (14:00)

No, but you're fabulous. You showed up and you did it and you worked hard and you're fabulous. And accept it. Take the compliment. Accept it.

A (14:07)

I killed it.

B (14:08)

Yes, you did.

A (14:09)

I think what was funny is I did make you promise. I said, I don't want to be the guy that ruins your great. I think this thing is terrific. Then Rose signs on Rose Byrne and I'm like, oh, my God, I've never seen Rose Byrne be anything but fantastic.

B (14:29)

She's just one of the best, though. She's one of the best that we have.

A (14:34)

One of the best acting actors we have today. And this was such a different chance for her, a just a role for her. But when you said, Rose Byrne is going to be your scene partner, I had two instincts. The repressed Irish Catholic boy in me was like, I love her so much, you know, maybe she'll smile at me.

B (14:58)

Her tongue, like, rolled out like a.

A (15:00)

No, I know, I know just who. If you've got a pulse. You have a crush on Rose Byrne.

B (15:07)

You have a crush on her.

A (15:08)

I do too. I'm obsessed with her. Yeah. And so I was delighted. But also. Oh, my God. I don't wanna. I can't let Rose Byrne down. I don't wanna be. And then we had this. I gotta tell you this, you'll probably remember it. We meet. The three of us are gonna meet. You call a meeting and you say, okay, I happen to be in New York. I'm always in la, but I happen to be in New York. So we all meet at this midtown hotel.

B (15:33)

So we gotta all meet in Person.

A (15:34)

Yeah, yeah. So we meet, and Rose doesn't disappoint. She shows up. I mean, she just. You know, she was on the subway. She comes in. She's such a. You know, I'm in my mind thinking she'll come here in a white carriage, you know, like, I'm just such a besotted fool. She's a princess and.

B (15:59)

But not me. You weren't worried about how I got there? That was.

A (16:01)

I don't give a shit how you get there. You're tough.

B (16:05)

This is what you're. Anyway, go on with this.

A (16:07)

No, no, no. And so the three of us are there, and then Rose really quickly starts to. You're like, oh, I'm really excited and this is gonna be great. And Rose looks at me and she goes, conan, so what acting have you done?

B (16:20)

She did do that.

A (16:21)

And she did do that. And I said, well, I haven't really done anything. I mean, I've. And she went, uh huh.

B (16:27)

Yeah.

A (16:28)

Not sketches. And she's doing it in this. She is so funny.

B (16:31)

She's so funny and so sweet.

A (16:33)

And she's very sweet. She wasn't doing this from. But she's doing this from like a kid sister giving Conan a hard time. I'm not a Conan.

B (16:44)

What movies have you been in?

A (16:46)

Have you been in? And I was like, well, I haven't really been in any movies, Rose, but.

B (16:49)

You can't call her on it because she's doing it in such a.

A (16:52)

No, no. And she's doing such a sweet way. And then she said, uh huh. And she said, well, but you must have been in some, like, in high school where you in plays. When I went, I wasn't really in plays. No. And she's like, huh?

B (17:02)

And she looked at me and then.

A (17:03)

She looked at you. She was like, like, what are you doing with your movie, Mary? That I'm in? And then she said, well, you probably took acting classes. And I said, she kept going. And she kept going.

B (17:15)

And I was like, oh, my God. And I was sitting there like, this is. And then I.

A (17:19)

You know in those cartoons when someone shrinks because they've been humiliated? I kept getting smaller and smaller. And then I'm sitting on top of a crouton, like it's a massive pillow. I'm just. I'm like, hey, well, I'm gonna do my best and it's important. I'm like this tiny little person and.

B (17:34)

I'm just swilling drinks.

A (17:36)

Yeah.

B (17:36)

Just trying to.

A (17:37)

It's a morning meeting and you are.

B (17:39)

Pounding vodka back I'm double fisting it. I was like, what is going on? And then Rose looked at me and winked.

A (17:46)

Yeah.

B (17:46)

And I was like, okay, but also, why are you doing that? But she was doing that. She was doing that to tell you, you gotta work. You're gonna work.

A (17:56)

Which is my modus operandi anyway. I do not. I've never in my life said, check this out.

B (18:03)

But I wish someone had filmed that meeting because it's so funny. First of all, I was just watching it as if it was a scene and loving it on that level. But then as the person who cast at both of you and knowing that your scenes are exclusively only with each other. Yeah, I'm dying a little. Not a little bit. A lot.

A (18:24)

Yeah.

B (18:25)

And so then. Cause then in my mind, I'm like, oh, after this meeting, Rose is gonna come up to me and be like, he never even took an acting class. What's going on here? But she didn't. She came up to me after the meeting and was like, he's so great. I'm so excited. I can't wait.

A (18:38)

But that's what blood was coming out her eyes when she said it. But I. Are you okay, Rose?

B (18:45)

I lost a couple years off my life on that one. But guess what? I was right.

A (18:57)

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B (22:07)

And, like, for the better.

A (22:08)

No, no. You walk with a dignity, a purpose that I've never seen you have before. I feel like I've always walked with dignity. Just take the compliment for Quince. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks, Quince. Quince changed you for the better. Layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they Look. Go to Quince.com Conan for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That sounds like a whole year. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Conan free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com/conan.

B (22:40)

I don't want to, you know, give spoilers on the movie. This is not a spoiler. You play her therapist.

A (22:44)

Yeah.

B (22:45)

Yeah. So the rest of the meeting was us all talking about therapy.

A (22:48)

Yeah.

B (22:49)

Which we all have our. Our stories, you know?

A (22:51)

Well, then I. I decided you came out here to la, right to this studio in Larmont.

B (22:58)

I announced to you.

A (22:59)

You said, I'm coming and we're going to work. You and I would meet out on this little terrace for four hours a day.

B (23:06)

For one week, really.

A (23:07)

Four hours a day. And we would go over and you would drill me on, who is this guy? What's his deal? And you had me drill you. And all of the things that I have to admit, as a novice, I would be suspicious of.

B (23:22)

It was a camp.

A (23:23)

I have to know what kind of shoes this guy likes or what his backstory is. You do, but you did it. And I could see the value of it. And by the time my assistant, David Hopping, came with me, I was looking for him.

B (23:35)

He's on the.

A (23:36)

No, no. He's banished David. He's being punished, and he knows why.

B (23:40)

David's great. Come on.

A (23:42)

But David. He's out in the hallway.

B (23:44)

I'm jealous.

A (23:45)

David came with me, and we went to New York for the shooting for the shoot.

B (23:51)

Yeah.

A (23:52)

And it was. My scenes with Rose are in the smallest office. It's a real office.

B (23:59)

Real office.

A (23:59)

It might even be a real therapist's office.

B (24:01)

It was. It was a real therapist suite that I.

A (24:04)

Why don't you use.

B (24:04)

That guy took over and I. No, I completely re. I completely redid it in my imagination, what I wanted it to be, which is that there's different kinds of therapists. Right. We've all been in therapy, and. We've all been in therapy. Right. In here, we all admit after I got this job, looking at each other.

A (24:21)

No, Sana. No, she doesn't need to. No, she don't. You don't need to be in therapy.

B (24:25)

I don't need.

A (24:26)

No, you do not. I don't.

B (24:27)

Therapy.

A (24:28)

You are Zorba the Greek. You don't need therapy.

B (24:30)

Not everybody needs it. But in New York, you throw a pebble, the person's been in therapy. Everybody's in therapy. And so I've been. You know, I've had good therapists. I've had bad therapists. I've had every kind of therapist in between, and they all. What fascinates me is that therapists have different kinds of offices. And I can know when I walk into the office, I'm like. Either I'm like, okay, this is going to work. I like this. Or I'm like, I got to get the fuck out of here. This guy. Oh, can I swear?

A (25:00)

No. This air is on pbs.

B (25:03)

I just went blue. I just worked blue a little bit.

A (25:06)

This is being introed by Elmo.

B (25:09)

Why did I ask that? I'm such a dork anyway, so I'm going to say it again. I go, I got to get the fuck out of here. And then it's because some therapists take a lot of care in every inch of the room, having a meaning or a purpose in a therapeutic sense. You know, like, I'm gonna pick this color for the wall because it's calming. I'm gonna put these knickknacks here because they might elicit something, but they don't tell. They don't give anything away about me. And then some therapists, you go in, there's, like, a picture of them with, like, their mom and dog, and, like, that's too much. And then there's a therapist that Rose plays who she's hanging on for the last thread. She just went in. She was like, this is the room. Okay, I'll rent it. The furniture that came with the room, it's fine. And also, I don't clean up my garbage. Come in. Come. Welcome. And you guys are two very different types of therapists. And so it was a real room, very tiny. And if you remember, the way that I like to direct or the way that I like to run a set is that I don't like to be down the hall on a monitor. When I can be, I like to be in the room. And that's because for the rest of time, I will see the performance on a screen. It's my only chance. I set up the shot. I know what I said. You know, I'm not just going in and sitting there. I set up the shot myself. I know what the framing is in my mind and. But I watch it live like a play, and it's the greatest pleasure for me. And then I watch it back, and then we decide if we're gonna do it again. But watching you guys, I'd be sitting in the little corner. It was a very tiny room. And watching you guys, sometimes I would forget that this was my movie. And I would just be like, I'm watching your chemistry. And you guys were both so in it. And the work we did. Was I correct or incorrect?

A (27:18)

You are 100% correct because you had.

B (27:20)

All that's in there.

A (27:22)

Well, the other thing, okay, I'll admit to this, which is I've done a lot of scary things in my career. Terrifying things. And I keep doing terrifying things, and I mean physically terrifying things, and then just things where I feel like, oh, my God, I could really get it. My career could be shattered here if this doesn't go well. And this. So I'm used to doing scary things, but there was a moment where it's just Rose and I looking at each other and we have this intense scene to do.

B (27:52)

Yes.

A (27:54)

And then you say, action. And my heart is pounding in my chest, which is not me. I don't. That's not. But for the first take, when we're really doing the movie and I'm aware of there's a whole crew here, there's cameras, there's. This is very intimate. That's Rose. And action. I could feel, you know, when you can feel your circulatory system, there's nowhere to hide in that moment. And all my normal tricks of, oh, I can riff, I can come up with a funny distraction. None of that's gonna happen. So. And then I have to say the secret weapon in that situation is Rose Byrne. Because I would see her go from zero to 95. And I mean, I described this to one reporter, but she can just. She can just pull her own heart out and rip it in half in front of you. And then you would yell, cut. And she'd say, woo. Hey, can I get a sandwich? You know, and I would.

B (28:58)

100%.

A (28:59)

I don't know. I'm not. I just said, I don't know that we're the same species. I don't know how you do that 100%.

B (29:05)

And I also remember, and when people watch the movie, they'll know exactly what scene I'm gonna Talk. I'm talking about. But I don't wanna give it away. There's a very intense scene, very intense. Where she is literally. And I don't know. And this is. This is you. This is you doing technical acting. I don't know how you did this. She's literally screaming in your face. One inch from your face. And it's very intense. And I remember that when I called cut on that, she just started hysterically laughing and she couldn't stop and she, like, fell off the couch and was, like, crying, laughing, and it was a release. And you were sitting there and you didn't know what was happening. I knew what was happening, but you were just like, did her brain just break? Did you just break? Rose Byrne. But when you're doing intense work like that, look, the two. And this is also in the movie. It's baked into the idea of the movie where you're talking about tone in a very calculated way is that is like when something. When the universe is, like, piling everything onto you, and it's like the universe is doing everything to work against you and something really bad's happening, but then also, like, you get all the red lights, and then also, like, your pencil breaks and it's just, like, too much. You can laugh or you can cry. Those are the two ways that your body physically deals with that. And in this movie, I. I try to do both of those things. But Rose is so the type of actor, she can get a laugh on the heels of a cry.

A (30:33)

Yes.

B (30:34)

When I'm cutting it, because I know that I'm cutting from her crying, and I know what's the next thing, and it's a laugh. And I think what is gonna surprise people the most that are fans of yours is that your character is devoid of humor. Yeah, devoid.

A (30:50)

Well, you know, it's funny. There's a lot of. And again, I don't want to.

B (30:54)

But you get laughs because it's so extreme.

A (30:56)

Well, the other thing is that I realized early on I did not like this character I'm playing. And I used to tell you, I don't like this guy.

B (31:06)

What did I say? Do you remember?

A (31:08)

Shut up and do it.

B (31:11)

I made it.

A (31:11)

I said, I'll put peanut butter on your lips. Just.

B (31:13)

I said, where's Greg Kinnear?

A (31:15)

Yeah, exactly.

B (31:15)

I gotta get him.

A (31:16)

Get me Kinnear.

B (31:18)

No, I said, you have to love him.

A (31:21)

Yep.

B (31:22)

Because he's you.

A (31:23)

Yeah, yeah.

B (31:24)

But also, you have to release the fact that people in the theater might not like him because there's some People in life that you don't like, and if they're on, and there's some people that in a movie that you don't like, and we can't be scared of that.

A (31:36)

Well, this is the other thing that fascinates me. I realized early on, especially when. I mean, multiply this by a thousand. Once you cast Rose, once Rose Byrne is in the film, and I realize my relationship with that character, it's contrary to every instinct I have in my body as Conan.

B (31:58)

100% it is.

A (31:59)

I am a people pleaser. This will shock you, Matt, but I do very much want. I very much want. A lot of my career has been trying to put people at ease and make them okay and make everyone okay, and I'm not letting you do that. Yeah. For better or worse. And in this role, I had to do the opposite. And when it's Rose, who was probably, you know, one of the people in show business that I would most want to please, you've made it a thousand times harder, impossible. And I'm locked in this little room, and I realized, oh, I see what this is. That helped me a lot, was to know any instinct I have. I need to go the other way almost.

B (32:42)

You know, it's like the George Costanza.

A (32:44)

Like every Instagram.

B (32:45)

Exactly.

A (32:46)

Now I'm gonna say the opposite, do the opposite of what I would normally do.

B (32:49)

But, yeah, and it's also. And also for me, it was so magical to see you transform that way, because, like, we talked about the beginning, I've been watching you on screen for over 30 years. I know that thing that you're talking about, and it's what made me a fan. And so then it's like this thing. I don't know what that says about me, that then I wanted to take you and strip all of that off so that then you're left with. You're left with something. It's so raw what you're doing, and it's such a. Trust me. You trusted me.

A (33:28)

Yeah, of course.

B (33:29)

In a way that I'm always gonna be grateful for, because that is your go to what you're talking about. And I'm saying it's not here. You're not allowed to do any of that. And you did it so fantastically. That means that it's also part of you.

A (33:43)

And it's also why I would be disbarred as a therapist.

B (33:47)

Oh. Cause you said, can't we just take. Can't my character just say, let's go for a walk? Yeah, can't I just Say, go take a nap and I'll babysit you. And I'm like, no, you can't.

A (33:56)

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, every instinct, if I was a therapist and would be to completely cross the line and say, well, this sounds rough. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I mean, nothing creepy, but this is what we're gonna do. I'm renting you a hotel room. I'm getting you a hotel room. You get some sleep. I'll look after your kid. I'm gonna go out and get you some tacos and I'm gonna friend you like that.

B (34:22)

I need a therapist like that.

A (34:24)

Are you okay now? How about get you more sleep? That's okay. I'll stand outside the door and go outside.

B (34:28)

And the husband is like, what is this therapist?

A (34:30)

Yeah. What's this guy? What's his name?

B (34:32)

Your hotel rooms.

A (34:33)

So now we get to the really. The part where it's getting really surreal to me because I cannot stress enough that moviemaking film, it's never been on my agenda. And also, it is not. It's the opposite of the kind of art or show business that I'm involved in. Mine is very much immediate. We make this. It's immediate. For almost three decades, it was. Let's. We'll have an idea at 3 o' clock in the afternoon that we really like, and we'll do it at five and it will air that night.

B (35:04)

I'm so jealous of that. I'm so jealous of that.

A (35:06)

Well, there's a yin and yang. There's good. But. But. And the only experience I had with this long wait was the Simpsons where I'd come up with an idea, I'd work on it with all the other writers, we'd make it as good as we could, and then there'd be. A year would go by.

B (35:20)

Is that true? I never thought about that.

A (35:22)

It's close to a year. I mean, sometimes it's less. But I think for some of my episodes, it was much to the point where you almost forgot what this was all about. And then it would come out.

B (35:33)

I never thought about that. Yeah.

A (35:34)

Cause it's animation. And so this is very different. And so what happened was we went through this intense experience. We made this. I'm then released. Then I'm doing all the stuff that I do and very much me focused and in my world. And then I'm hearing from you occasionally that editing and da, da, da. And then I just. I got to the point where this had completely drifted away from me. And then it starts to Creep back in, creep back in. In this very nice way, which is I'm hearing really nice things, you're very happy. And the one thing I always said is, all I want for you is for you to make the movie you want to make. And you called me up one day and said, we locked it. It's the movie I wanted to make. And I said, who is this?

B (36:22)

You said, who is this again? Yeah, no, I remember that day. And it was. You were the person I wanted to call and say that to, because you said that to me. And the thing is that I can say, and not all people can say this. And on another film I make, I might not be able to say this, but I can say this about this film. From my brain to the page to the screen. I made no creative concessions, but not because it's easy to do that because you fight and you fight and you fight and you fight and then. And you can't not give up. And filmmaking is like the longest con that there is because of how long it takes to do. And then you have to wait for it to come out. And I was so impatient and the fighting never stops. And I don't mean fighting like people are trying to not let you do it, but just that if you have an idea and you know that the idea is correct, someone else might have a different opinion about it. But I don't want that opinion. It's mine. This is mine. And so I would fight and you know, a 24. I have to say we're such wonderful partners because I won every fight. And sometimes the fights are like, almost like you have to like, I announced this movie shall have no score. The score is sound design. It's only sound design. Well then it's like, well, you can't do that. You have to have a score. No, I don't. And then it doesn't have a score and it's correct for the movie. It's not that. Then my next movie might have a score, I don't know. But for this movie, it doesn't. And it doesn't stop. And so when you're saying about what. So I think when I was, you know, a teenager, what I so responded to and the late night form in general, Letterman before you and. And then alongside you, the form of it feels loose like that you feel it through the television when you're watching it. It feels loose and it feels immediate and it's ephemeral. So like say, I mean, probably to you, you want to die. But if you have an idea and you do the skit or the piece and it like bombs. It's over. And then you're onto the next thing. You're doing another show, the next day, you're doing another piece after the next commercial break. And there's an immediacy to that that I think is so magical that for me, that's broadcast television. And that's the magic of broadcast television. I'm 46 years old. So you just dropped. That was a mic drop. I was riveted.

A (39:04)

I was riveted and I dropped.

B (39:05)

I couldn't believe it. What I said, aren't you the professional in the room? No, I said, I'm 46 years old. And he freaked the fuck out.

A (39:12)

He thought 26.

B (39:14)

No, because he's uncomfortable with middle aged women. And I understand now that was famously. Very famously.

A (39:21)

He's always awkward. I just dropped my pen. Sometimes a pipe is just a pipe.

B (39:27)

You know what? I'll let it go.

A (39:28)

Well, listen, you know, I want to get to something you said that I think is worth talking about. You said, and again, don't want to give away too much about the movie, but you said there's a lot of. There've been many women going crazy movies, but none of them by women. All of them have been made by men. And that was important to you. And I do think that you can feel the difference in the film.

B (40:00)

Thank you.

A (40:01)

That it's your point of view and it's devoid. And look, many men have made many good films about this, but it has to be different than a woman doing it.

B (40:13)

I don't take anything away from any of those films. All those films are inside my body and my DNA and they come out through my work somehow. But one time I heard Denzel Washington say something that I really. It stuck with me because the interviewer said to him, well, why is it so important to you? I forget even what the movie he was promoting. But why is it so important to you that the, the filmmakers and the whatever are also black? And he said, it's not about color, it's not about race, it's about culture. He's like, I know what it feels like and smells like to have a hot comb go through my hair on a Sunday morning.

A (40:49)

Okay.

B (40:50)

I don't know what that is.

A (40:51)

Right.

B (40:52)

And it's the same way that a man doesn't know what it's like to be socialized in a society as a girl and grow up and to be a woman they just don't like. I don't know what it's like to be a man. And it's fine. I can write a movie about a man, A man can write a movie about a woman. I can write a movie about a black person. Black person can write a person. It doesn't matter. But it's that thing of. It's culture, it's experience, it's just baked in. And so I think it's 20, 25, and it's still radical for people to tell their own stories, which is wild to me. Filmmaking is a male dominated field, you know, and that's just the way it is. And so my whole thing is like, it doesn't have to be the way it is. Why is it the way it is? I'm gonna radically. All I care about is putting. Creating characters, female characters that are full human beings that are on the screen. And we know those women. We have encountered those women in different ways. Sometimes we are those women and we might love them, or we might not like them, or we might see ourselves in them, or we might say, they might scare us. None of that's bad. It's all great because the thing about movies is that you are in a theater and you are asked to get into somebody else's point of view, into somebody else's life. Whether, like, you brought up Chinatown or some of my favorite movies like Bonnie and Clyde, movies that you immerse yourself in, like the Shining, you forget yourself. That's the idea of a movie. That's the magic of movies. You forget yourself, you forget your life, and then you open the door. Best thing is, if you see a movie in the daytime and you open the door and you forget it's daytime and the sun hits you in the face, that's magical. That's movies. That means that you forgot you were transported. Yes, yes. And if you're. People are scared. People are scared of being asked to get into somebody else's mind or point of view that they're not familiar with. You know, and for me, just in a radical way, I just want to push that as far as it goes. You know, I'm not a provocateur. Provocateur. Provocateur. I'm not one. I'm wearing a you show, not one.

A (43:18)

You can't even say provocateur.

B (43:20)

Provocateur. Now, I'm just gonna keep saying it.

A (43:22)

I am no provocative provocateur.

B (43:24)

Provocateur. Because it's such a pretentious word to say. Because you have to say it with an accent. I hate that I'm wearing a John Waters T shirt. He is one. He is one. But he is a huge influence on my work because he's just like, you know what? I have an idea. I'm gonna put it on film. You like it? You don't like it. Doesn't matter.

A (43:49)

This message is brought to you by Airbnb. Twice I've used Airbnb in the city of San Francisco. I've loved it because I can feel like a person. You know how it is when I stay at a fancy hotel. Yeah. They're always like, oh, Mr. O' Brien, a legend. I can't believe it. I'm like, please, please. It's just. I'm just a person. No, you're a God. It goes on and on and on. You're a God. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. All right. Nice. That was me that said that anyway. And for those reasons, I won't stay at the Comfort in again. But I like this experience. I like this experience of just feeling like a person. And you can wander around. You feel like it's a very personal space. You can chill and I know, Blay, you're a big Airbnb person. Yeah. And I like to. When I go on trips, I like to put my place up to host so I can make a little extra scratch while I'm away. And I just got this cool, new big, glowing egg lamp that changes colors, so it's very, very cool. And you've had no offers. Loved it. Except for the glowing egg. Yeah, you know, it's sc. It's relaxing. It's really cool. Well, your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much@airbnb.com host if you're dealing with a restless partner, Mattress Firm sleep experts can help. Okay. Mattress Firm sleep experts will match you to a bed that minimize your partner's tossing and turning for uninterrupted sleep. I'm one of those thrashers in bed. Yeah. And that sounds like I'm bragging or something. No, I'm taking when I'm asleep. You know, I've had a lot of trauma in my life. I just. I kick, I spin around.

B (45:28)

Poor Liza.

A (45:29)

Yeah, I know. Liza sleeps in a hot air balloon above the house. Opt for a mattress designed with motion isolation technology, engineered to minimize the wave of movement caused by either of you sitting on the edge, laying down, or making another major motion. Mattress Firm carries a curated premium selection of mattresses so you can get the upgrade you want. And you'll even set up your new mattress and haul away the old one. That's my Favorite part, please haul away the old one. I'm always begging them, please take this away. And if they don't, I have to drag it for miles. Miles?

B (46:00)

Why miles?

A (46:00)

Where are you taking it? Because I'm attached to it emotionally, and I just carry it around. Oh, the great sleep you deserve. Visit Mattress Firm during the upgrade. Your sleep sale. They make sleep easy. I also just want to point out that to people that are just listening, there's a lot of humor in the movie.

B (46:22)

Oh, yeah.

A (46:22)

And I don't want to give anything away, but you. You pitched me one thing that I thought, I don't see how this is gonna work. And it involves, like, a puppet.

B (46:31)

And I thought, oh, there's puppets in this movie. In my eyes. Oh, there's puppets.

A (46:35)

It's so over the top. And the comedy is really dark, which is my favorite comedy.

B (46:41)

Yeah, it's gallows humor.

A (46:41)

It's gallows humor. But there's a puppet scene. And I thought I was reading the.

B (46:46)

Script, but you said you laughed out loud when you read it in the script.

A (46:49)

Yeah, no, I thought it was really funny. But I also thought, I don't see how this is going to work. And then. It's one of my favorite things.

B (46:57)

It's really ridiculous because do you know why if you're gonna use puppets in a movie, you do it like my whole thing. I don't. There's no way that I'm not tricking anybody into thinking that it's not a puppet.

A (47:10)

Right, right, right.

B (47:11)

I can say without giving anything away, it involves a hamster.

A (47:16)

And also, I'm a puppet. You're not.

B (47:19)

Well, yes, you are. You are my puppet, and I was the puppet master in that puppet.

A (47:24)

And there's like a cardboard cone of going, whoa.

B (47:25)

Okay, Rose.

A (47:26)

I call her Rose. Okay, Rose. That's another thing you kept saying. Cut.

B (47:30)

Cut. That's not her name.

A (47:31)

How are you? Rose Byrne? Cut.

B (47:34)

Rose Byrne from movies and television. How are you?

A (47:37)

Hello, Famed Rose Byrne. I'm your Ferrisburn Cut. Conan. Oh, right.

B (47:43)

No, with the puppets, it's like, I don't care. It's like the Muppet show is a big influence on me. You know, I don't watch the Muppet show now as an adult. It lives inside my DNA. It's part of my DNA.

A (47:56)

All these things are. Yeah.

B (47:57)

And it's like, you see, you see strings. On the Muppet show, you see strings. You see? Sometimes you see. It doesn't matter because you're watching a puppet, and no one's trying to pretend that you're not right. And there's something radical about that. And there's something. So it's visceral. It's visceral.

A (48:15)

I'll tell you one of the most shocking things I've seen in my life is in my New York existence, being asked to do something on Sesame street and going over to Queens or Brooklyn, wherever they were.

B (48:26)

Please tell me the story. I'm living for this.

A (48:29)

I go in and there's like, okay, Conan, we're gonna shoot this thing. And Elmo's there and you're gonna be here. And I'm just looking around. Cause it's where they shoot everything. And it's limited space. Cause it's a very urban warehouse or studio. And so I look up and they have lashed snuffalophagus to the ceiling. And it's, you know, you gotta keep him somewhere he's not. They lashed him to the ceiling, and it looks exactly like the guard that Hannibal Lecter flays and puts up skins and hangs out. And it's snuffle aroused.

B (49:07)

And you're an adult, and you're so shocked.

A (49:08)

I'm an adult. I was in my 30s. I looked up and I went, sweet Christ, no. And he's inanimate. His eyes have rolled back in his head and he's lashed to the. And something. The genius of the Muppets is when they're animated, you believe you talk to them. So when you see Snuffleupagus hollowed out, drained of his blood and lashed to the ceiling by a serial killing monster, that's horrifying.

B (49:35)

Did he have to be on the ceiling?

A (49:36)

Because I guess they didn't. They're just like, hoist him up. We gotta clear this space. It's a 90 pound, 170 pound costume. So. Yeah. And then when they were done with me, they lashed me to the ceiling. No. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. That's the end of that.

B (49:51)

But anyway, I went to the Sesame street workshop one time because I. My best friend Amy, who's here in the other room, I know Amy because she's my best friend. She's the best.

A (50:04)

We'll see.

B (50:04)

Well, there's time, Conan.

A (50:06)

You know what? I'm very competitive with Amy. She was like, I'm her best friend. And I'm like, well, I don't know. We'll see how that.

B (50:12)

You could work it. You could work it.

A (50:14)

I'm buying you a car. Oh, my God. I'm gonna get you land upstate, too desperate. Rye, New York. A lot of land. Very Needy.

B (50:21)

Rye, New York. I have family that lives there. Take somewhere more exciting. Where I haven't been.

A (50:25)

Bermuda.

B (50:25)

And I'm driving a car there that you bought me because you shipped it there.

A (50:29)

I shipped it there at my own expense.

B (50:30)

Oh. And what does my house look like?

A (50:33)

It's made of $100,000 bills.

B (50:35)

And do I have to work?

A (50:37)

You never have to work again. But you do have to show up for your foot massage. Done by a professional foot masseuse whose name's Guillermo. Okay, listen, I've got this all figured out. I'm your new best friend.

B (50:49)

Do you see my face right now? I'm a little bit. You know what? I'm tempted.

A (50:53)

Yeah.

B (50:53)

But I don't think you can pull it off.

A (50:55)

I can.

B (50:56)

I think you're just talking. I think you're. You're selling me some snake oil over here.

A (51:04)

And drop moment.

B (51:05)

But what I was gonna say was that she took a puppetry class in college. You know, as one does to spend our parents money very wisely. Sure. And the culmination of the class is that they were gonna go see the Sesame Street. And I said, guess what? I'm gonna pretend to be in the class. I'm going on this trip. And I did. I showed up and I stayed. I was at.

A (51:27)

You lied to the Sesame Street Gang.

B (51:29)

I was sneaking. I was just in. I want the professor to see me.

A (51:31)

I'd be so excited.

B (51:32)

And I went in there and I saw. Here's what I saw, my friend. I saw Big Bird's legs not attached to his body. Whoa.

A (51:40)

Flying. It's a ghoul's paradise in there.

B (51:43)

And they were fixing them. Fixing them and putting. Refelting them or whatever it was. And they were on a table, like a. Like a surgeon's table. And they were attached to no body. And I. And I couldn't ask a question, but in my mind, I was like, where's the rest of Big Bird?

A (52:00)

In a wheelchair. Yeah.

B (52:01)

He had no legs, man. That's where I came up. And then I came up with the title for this movie.

A (52:06)

Yeah, exactly. If I had Legs. No, it's a horror. You brought it around. You made it work. Never go to the Sesame street set. I'm just telling you, it's horrifying. I like to hide that stuff. The two old men up in the balcony who criticized the show.

B (52:21)

That's me.

A (52:21)

Yeah. Guess what I saw? Their genitals nailed to a wall. Oh, boy. You know what?

B (52:26)

You know what?

A (52:27)

There's no reason for that. You took it.

B (52:28)

You Took it a little far.

A (52:30)

That's what I do. My name is Johnny Two. No, they don't have genitals. That's not. You know what I want to get to the happiest part of this whole thing is that I'm going to New York next week. I'm gonna do Colbert's show and I get to throw to a clip.

B (52:46)

Oh, wow.

A (52:46)

And I myself, guess who picks the clip?

B (52:49)

Yep, I'm picking that clip, baby.

A (52:51)

Well, it's. So what's crazy to me is I have spent a whole career making fun of the idea of throwing to a clip.

B (52:57)

You have to set it up.

A (52:58)

And now I'm going to throw to a real clip.

B (53:02)

I never thought of that before.

A (53:03)

And my whole life has been, what's a good bit about throwing to a clip? Never throw to a clip. Mackin me. Yeah. All my work with Mr. Paul Rudd.

B (53:11)

Has been, I have to top that.

A (53:12)

No.

B (53:12)

And so what if I'm mackin me you? But it's not mackin me. It's something else now I gotta think about. But I have to think of my career.

A (53:21)

Yeah, exactly. You do. Fortunately, I do not at the time.

B (53:25)

Wouldn't like that. If I did that.

A (53:27)

Yeah, yeah. They would say, what happened? We're not releasing this film.

B (53:29)

No. And it was just done.

A (53:31)

Yeah. I go into a conversation, we had off mic about Mr. Don Knotts, one of the greats of all time.

B (53:38)

When are we not talking about Don Knotts?

A (53:41)

And then.

B (53:42)

So what are you gonna do? You thought about it. How do you.

A (53:44)

I'm throw to a clip.

B (53:45)

He's gonna say. He's gonna say, do you want to say something about the. Set it up. Say something about it.

A (53:51)

Yeah. I have to know which clip it is. Yeah.

B (53:52)

I'm not gonna tell you. That's the tricky part. No, I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you.

A (53:56)

But it's just so funny to me to be. I'm here to put my now, so wait. Well, Conan's movie opens. Yeah.

B (54:03)

You gotta accept it, man.

A (54:04)

Blah, blah, blah. Oh, I'm going for it.

B (54:06)

You're a movie star now.

A (54:07)

But I am very. You know, I have two strong feelings about this whole endeavor, which is I am just so happy for Rose Byrne because she is being noticed in a big way.

B (54:24)

Hiding in plain sight.

A (54:25)

Hiding in plain sight. Which is what you said to me about Rose. I'm gonna cast this person who everyone loves, who's amazing and she needs now it's her time. You nailed it. And I'm thrilled for you because you have been. You are incredibly tenacious. There were many hurdles, many obstacles you had to overcome. A lot. You got this made. Thank you. And you're a very, very impressive person. And I'm thrilled to be your second best friend.

B (54:55)

Second best friend?

A (54:57)

The movie is. If I had legs, I'd. And when is the premiere date? When does this happen?

B (55:03)

So it comes out in New York and LA on October 10th and then all other major cities on the 17th and then after that.

A (55:12)

And I'm going to like a premiere next week.

B (55:15)

Oh, you're going to a premiere at the New York Film Festival.

A (55:18)

I bought a feather boa for this.

B (55:19)

Oh, wow.

A (55:20)

I'm gonna walk down. Interesting choice. What do you mean interesting? That's what all the actresses do.

B (55:24)

You know what actor says? Actresses, actresses. But you know what? We can gender bend. It's fine. It's all. You know, it's okay.

A (55:33)

I've been gender bending for a long time. No one's quite sure what I am bending.

B (55:36)

You're just bending.

A (55:38)

Okay. Mary Bronstein.

B (55:39)

Thank you.

A (55:40)

Go, go, go. Never stop. Do your thing.

B (55:43)

Thank you.

A (55:44)

And I'm really proud of you. I'm your avuncular pal.

B (55:47)

You know what? You are. And you always tell me that you're proud of me and I appreciate it.

A (55:51)

It.

B (55:51)

I really do. Yeah, because you know what? I'm proud of you.

A (55:55)

I can't handle.

B (55:57)

Accept it.

A (55:57)

Accept it. Okay, I accept it. I'll just threw it up. Podcast over. Pen drop. Yeah. Conan o' Brien needs a friend. With Conan o' Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Nick Leo. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up@siriusxm.com Conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O' Brien needs a Friend. Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded, explore the world's hidden wonders on the Atlas Obscura podcast. A village in India where everyone's name is a song. A boiling river in the Amazon. A spacecraft cemetery in the middle of the ocean. Every day, the Atlas Obscura podcast will blow your mind. Mind. In 15 minutes, you can find it on the SiriusXM app Pandora or wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode.

B (57:46)

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