Staff Review With Brian Kiley

Summary

Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Episode: Staff Review With Brian Kiley

Release Date: February 26, 2026
Host: Conan O’Brien
Guests: Brian Kiley (longtime Conan writer), Sona Movsesian

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Episode Overview

In this playful and nostalgic episode, Conan O'Brien sits down with his longtime writer and friend, Brian Kiley. Rather than focusing on a fan story, Conan uses this time to reminisce with Brian about their decades-long professional and personal relationship, sharing behind-the-scenes stories, riffs, and classic staff-room banter. The episode is less an actual "staff review" and more a warm, hilarious roast and celebration of comedy writing, late-night history, and enduring friendship.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Conan and Brian’s Origins

• Childhood Roots: Conan and Brian share how their friendship stretches back to Catholic instruction classes in Brighton, where Brian bonded with Conan's brother over Boston sports (01:54–03:41).
• Early Comedy Ties: Brian would read Conan’s Harvard Lampoon material, following Conan's career from afar until they reconnected through the late-night show.
• First Day Memories: Brian recalls his first day on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" was March 15, 1994 – the “Ides of March,” which coincidentally matches this year’s Oscars date (05:37–05:45).

2. Writer’s Room Riffs and Recurring Bits

• Conan's Riffs on Writers: Conan shares the tradition of latching onto a quirky trait about each writer and spinning endless bits out of it, especially on Brian’s alleged neglect of leg day at the gym (“vermicelli legs”) (07:44–08:33).
• Vault of Riffs: Conan admits he’ll forget important things but never these inside jokes (08:33–09:39).
• Untranslatable Comedy: Brian and Conan note that the wildest, funniest writers’ room riffs don’t make sense outside the room, which Sona confirms. Brian: "People say, oh, is Conan really funny? Oh, he's hilarious. Can you give me an example? ...I can't tell any of those. They don't make sense." (11:02–11:15).

3. The Sacred Pre-Show and Post-Show Meetings

• Pre-Show Rituals: Brian and Conan share how, right before Conan goes on stage for major events (White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Emmys, etc.), they riff on the worst and silliest possible jokes that could never actually be performed (09:47–10:52).
• Post-Show Decompression: The meetings after the show are described as just as joyous—often fueled by loving mockery of lackluster guests (19:53–20:10).
• Secret Normalcy: Brian recalls rare moments of “normal” conversation with Conan during afternoon meetings—something other writers would never believe (20:14–20:40).

4. Legendary Comedy Moments & Running Gags

• “Kiley at the Apollo”: Conan’s favorite bit—imagining squeaky-clean Brian doing shockingly filthy material at the Apollo Theatre, delivered in his cheery, precise manner (06:20–07:24).
• Chris Christie & Food Truck Gags: Brian’s obsession with writing jokes about Chris Christie and giant food truck accidents becomes a running thread, with Conan inventing elaborate setups about Kiley causing the accidents just for joke fodder (22:07–24:29).
• Taco Bell Jokes: The late-night team’s reliance on Taco Bell diarrhea jokes is revealed, much to the chagrin (and eventual business) of sponsors (25:01–26:06).
• The Joke Selection Process: No matter how lofty their goals (e.g., writing for award submissions), a scatological Kylie joke always sneaks in (25:40–26:24).

5. Award Shows & Famous Guests

• Bob Newhart Bit: Brian’s idol, Bob Newhart, once performed in a bit where he was locked in a glass box with three hours of air at the Emmys—a moment made even more special when Brian, as a stand-in, performed it for Bob during tech rehearsals (16:08–17:58).
• Correspondents’ Dinner: Conan and Brian reminisce about writing for two White House Correspondents' Dinners (Clinton and Obama), and the surreal thrill of getting laughs from Washington’s power players—like Bob Dole complimenting a term-limits joke (26:38–27:38).
• Dealing With Guests: They share how disappointing celebrity interviews could fuel behind-the-scenes comedy gold (19:53–20:10).

6. The Nature of Comedy Writing & Collaboration

• Ownership & Memory: Neither Conan nor Brian remember exactly who wrote which joke over decades; they're proud regardless (29:40–29:59).
• Kiley’s Influence: Conan jokes that Brian’s gags have both advanced and derailed his career, but ultimately, the laughter and creative partnership matter most (26:27–26:34).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Writers’ Room Riffs:
  • “I could be in a deep coma. And if someone came into me and said, Conan, Conan. You know, it’s like, no, it’s no good. He won’t respond to anything. Kylie's here. Vermicelli legs… I will never forget.” – Conan O'Brien (08:13)
• On Untranslatable Jokes:
  • “When you're in the room, there's a room reality where it's working in this room. But then the minute you leave that situation, if you go home and try and tell your wife, they're like, what are you talking about?” – Conan O’Brien (10:52)
  • “People say, oh, is Conan really funny?... I can't tell any of those [jokes]. You know what I mean?” – Brian Kiley (11:02)
• On Conan Riffing on Writer Traits:
  • “I started to riff on this...your legs became vermicelli...people in a restaurant try to twirl your legs onto their fork.” – Conan O'Brien (07:44)
  • “He's called them vermicelli, fusilli, fiber optic cables, ribbon candy.” – Brian Kiley (08:13)
• Bob Newhart Story:
  • “It was the coolest thing to have me being Bob Newhart for Bob Newhart.” – Brian Kiley (17:58)
• On Comedy Legacy:
  • “You forget most of them [jokes].” – Brian Kiley (29:48)
  • “When I look through my whole career, I never know. ... I don’t even know anymore [who wrote which joke].” – Conan O'Brien (29:50)
• On Awards and Diarrhea Jokes:
  • “Anytime...we thought, maybe we'll get a Peabody Award this year...whatever we submitted had one Kylie diarrhea joke in there.” – Conan O'Brien (26:06)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Childhood Connections & Harvard Lampoon: 01:54–03:41
• Brian’s First Day on Late Night: 05:37–05:45
• Kylie-at-the-Apollo Routine: 06:20–07:24
• Conan’s Classic Writer Riffs: 07:44–09:39
• Pre- & Post-Show Comedy Rituals: 09:47–10:52
• Bob Newhart “Glass Box” Story: 16:08–17:58
• Post-Show Meetings & Guest Gossip: 19:53–20:10
• Chris Christie Food Truck Gags: 22:07–24:29
• Taco Bell Monologue Infiltration: 25:40–26:24
• White House Correspondents’ Dinner Memories: 26:38–27:38
• Whose Joke Was That?: 29:40–29:59

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Tone & Atmosphere

The conversation is loose, deeply affectionate, and filled with the inside-baseball of late-night comedy writing. Conan’s signature self-deprecation and Brian’s steady warmth shine throughout, showing the creative chemistry and pure joy that forms the heart of team-based comedy.

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Episode Takeaways

• Comedy Writing Is a Team Sport: Success is rooted in decades of shared laughter and trusting creative relationships.
• Inside Jokes Are Sacred: Many of the most beloved gags are known only to the writers themselves.
• Legacy Through Laughter: Despite barely remembering specific jokes, it’s the collaborative fun—and the memorable work seen by millions—that endures.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a goldmine of late-night nostalgia and comedic camaraderie. For anyone curious about the daily realities—funny, absurd, and touching—of working for decades at the highest levels of TV comedy, Conan and Brian's banter delivers the best stories from inside the writers’ room.

Transcript

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[Conan O'Brien]

Steve Carell stars in the new HBO original comedy series Rooster, premiering March 8. From a creator of Ted, Lasso and Shrinking comes the story of an acclaimed author who finds himself teaching on a college campus alongside his adult daughter, navigating their complicated relationship and Greg's late in life first chance at the college experience he never had. Is there anyone funnier than Steve Carell? I do not think there is, so I will watch this. Don't miss the world Premiere of Rooster March 8th at 10pm exclusively on HBO Max. Subscription required. Visit HBOMax.com for details.

[Sona Movsesian]

Conan O' Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com callkonan okay, let's get started.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, Conan O' Brien here. Normally on Thursdays we drop a fan episode, but I want to do something a little different today. On Monday, I talked to Dennis Leary and he was chatting about a comic we both love, a Boston comic, Brian Kiley. Brian is working with me in my office right now on the Oscars, and I thought, hey, Brian's in the building. Let's get him in here. He knows all the dirt on me. Anytime I do anything where I need great jokes and everyone else is busy, I get Brian.

[Brian Kiley]

Kylie, I'll tell you, I need to work.

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean, I really cast a wide net and no one wanted to work with me. No, Brian, we've. I mean, our story is kind of crazy. We've known each other since we were kids because you would chat with my brother Luke at our Catholic instruction class that met at the cenacle.

[Brian Kiley]

Where.

[Conan O'Brien]

What town, what town was that in?

[Brian Kiley]

In Brighton.

[Conan O'Brien]

In Brighton. We were in Brighton on the top of a high hill. These nuns taught Catholic instruction on Monday afternoons. I think you and my brother Luke started chatting with each other about the Bruins and the Red Sox, and I was in the corner doing bits for a snowman.

[Brian Kiley]

It's insane. We went to ccd, which is Catholic Sunday school. Same place. I would sit next to Luke and we would talk about the football games, the Day before. Which we would still be doing now. We were like eight years old or nine years old. You and my brother's dance class. And then Dan. Uh, Dan, say that a little slower.

[Conan O'Brien]

Cause it said you were in my brother's. It sounded like you were in my brother's dance class.

[Brian Kiley]

No, Dan, you weren't in class.

[Conan O'Brien]

I was not in your brother's dance class.

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, I thought that's what he meant.

[Brian Kiley]

No, no, no. I'm sorry. My brother Dan and Conan. Sorry. Were in the same class. And then they. They Both.

[Conan O'Brien]

You were. And my brother at Lamaze's class. What? You were. I was not in a Lamaze class. No. His name's Lamaze.

[Brian Kiley]

No. So Dan and Conan were in the same class. And then they went to Har. And then my brother Dan would show me the Harvard Lampoons and he'd be like, remember Conan o'? Brien? And he would show me these things, which were great. First of all, the class of 83 didn't do nearly as well as the class of 85. We didn't go to Harvard, Luke and I,

[Conan O'Brien]

you dummies.

[Brian Kiley]

I know, but we'd read these lampoons. And then I kind of followed your career. Cause I knew you were on the Simpsons and snl, but I. I would have walked by you on the street, not known you. Do you know what I mean? Because I hadn't seen you since.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, you would have been like, wow, who's that guy? He's got Riz. But in, like the 80s and the

[Sona Movsesian]

90s and stuff, he'd be like, riz.

[Conan O'Brien]

He was using Riz back then.

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, wow.

[Conan O'Brien]

With me, exclusively. That guy's got Riz. And I don't know what that is.

[Brian Kiley]

I still don't know what it is.

[Conan O'Brien]

But so I. I think you came to work on Late Night. I'll never forget. You came in one day and you were wearing an Irish cap.

[Brian Kiley]

Sure, sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you were. Because you were a very funny standup. Everyone knew who you were. And you were chatting with a bunch of the writers in the hallway. Cause you were visiting. And this is early, early days of very early days of the late night show, like 93. And I see you in the hallway and I'm like, hey, we know each other. And we chatted a little bit. I pushed a button that said, please get him out of here. You were immediately taken away by NBC pages and a robot.

[Brian Kiley]

I kept asking, what's Riz?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. And then shortly after that, there was an opening for you, and you came and started writing jokes for Me and you've. I mean, my White House correspondents dinner, both of them with Clinton and with Obama. I mean, everything I ever did, the two Emmy shows and all the late night shows I've ever done. And then last year's Oscars. You wrote amazing jokes. And now we're working again on this year's Oscars. March 15th. Tune in. And so I thought, wait a minute. This is a chance to get Brian to come in, and we could settle old scores.

[Brian Kiley]

Yes, yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

We have some grudges.

[Sona Movsesian]

Let's do it.

[Brian Kiley]

Ironically, my first day of work was March 15th in 1994.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, you're kidding.

[Brian Kiley]

No, no. The Ides of March. So now that's when the Oscars.

[Conan O'Brien]

When the Oscars are. Yeah, yeah. Oh, cool. It is. No, you have. As you know, I've told you this a million times. You're one of my favorite comedians. You have such insanely great jokes. And you're so disciplined about having great jokes. My favorite thing to do is an impression of you doing the filthiest material ever at the Apollo Theater, because you and I are the whitest comedians in the world, and you are the cleanest comic. You never go blue, and you always are wearing. In my impression, you're wearing a blue blazer, which is very you.

[Brian Kiley]

Sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

And hello.

[Brian Kiley]

Hi. How are ya?

[Conan O'Brien]

And then you go into the filthy. I mean, stuff that would make red fox blush. And you do it at the Apollo and kill. And it's just really like, you gotta wash that ass, ladies. You gotta wash that ass. So I'm going at. And your enunciation is always so perfect, and you're so friendly and pleasant. And so I would do this routine called Kylie at the Apollo. And it was one of my favorite things to do. Cause I get to be really crazily blue. But it's not me, it's you.

[Brian Kiley]

Right, right, right. Well, you've done it for my friends, like Gary Goldman and some other. But they always report back to me like they're dying. Just hear this.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You was a really filthy comic. And then the minute your set's over, you go back to your dressing room and you open up a giant book on Truman and sit on a metal stool, a little metal chair, and read it in your perfectly creased, you know, chinos and blue blazer. And then eventually the guy comes back and says, get your ass back out there. And you're like, oh, okay. And you go out, and then you completely. You're even filthier the second time. Filthier.

[Brian Kiley]

Yeah. So then I go into my B stuff.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. But I'm just. I've got my oldest Kylie riff. Because I like to have riffs on each writer. Was that you work out a lot. You're very disciplined. You have this very powerful coming.

[Brian Kiley]

Right.

[Sona Movsesian]

I know what he's gonna say.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's got a powerful, very strong chest. Arms. Shoulders. I mean, this guy is just. You work out. But I noticed a while ago that I don't think you work your legs out as much. And so I started to riff on this. And then eventually your legs became vermicelli. And there were whole riffs about people in a restaurant. You can't go to Italian restaurants. Cause people try to twirl your legs onto their fork. And I mean, I would. These bits would.

[Brian Kiley]

Sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

They would go on forever.

[Brian Kiley]

Yes. He's called them vermicelli, fusilli, fiber optic cables, ribbon candy. I was late one day last year. Cause I had a doctor's appointment and Conan told everybody I was late because I fell asleep and a little girl braided my legs together.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I mean, this is the stuff I'll be doing on my deathbed. And what I remember, I forget all kinds of things. And my brain gets goofy. But the stuff I will never forget. And I don't care how bad my brain goes, you know, I don't care what happens to me. I could be in a deep coma. And if someone came into me and said, conan, Conan. You know, it's like, no, it's no good. He won't respond to anything. Kylie's here. Vermicelli legs. A child braided them together at. And T wants to talk to him about micro. And the same thing with like, Berkeley Johnson, one of the writers, a hilarious writer. He. I haven't seen him since he worked on the Oscars last year. He came into the writers room and sat down. And within a minute I went. I mean, Berkeley Johnson told me, I think 20 years ago that his dad owned a flag store.

[Brian Kiley]

Right, Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I just like, yeah, I want you to tell that to your dad at the flag store. I said that instantly. Those things I'll never forget. If I can find a little thing on a writer that's going in the vault.

[Brian Kiley]

Right. You'll forget your children's names, but don't know them now.

[Sona Movsesian]

Not the vault, but not a riff.

[Brian Kiley]

Not a riff that works.

[Sona Movsesian]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

A riff will always be remembered.

[Brian Kiley]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's funny because you were always there in the room with me just before I went out and did a monologue. In any situation. I mean, all those late night shows, hundreds and hundreds, thousands of late night shows. You were always in the writers room with me and in my dressing room. And it's just about time to go out and we're going over the jokes and the thing we noticed and whether it was the White House correspondence dinner, I'm just about to go out there and perform for Clinton or Obama. Any of those situations or the Emmys or all the other different award shows. You and I would be together in a room, and I would start saying the worst things I could think of. Like if I.

[Brian Kiley]

Sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

Your favorite things seem to be me making up jokes that I could never do in a million years and pitching those and then acting out the crowd turning on me. And we would be doing that instead of me reading the real jokes.

[Brian Kiley]

Oh, my God. And there are things that you can't tell anybody, and they don't because they don't make sense.

[Conan O'Brien]

When you're in the room, there's a room reality where it's working in this room. But then the minute you leave that situation, if you go home and try and tell your wife, they're like, what

[Brian Kiley]

are you talking about? And people say, oh, is Conan really funny? Oh, he's hilarious. Can you give me an example? And I'll have a Rolex of like a hundred things. I go, nope, I can't tell any of those. You know what I mean?

[Conan O'Brien]

Because they don't make sense.

[Brian Kiley]

No, they don't make sense. But yeah,

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's be honest. Shopping for a car is not the same for everyone, you know? Yeah, everyone has a different experience. You walk in, they probably don't wait on you right away. I walk in, they're like, oh, my God, it's Conan o'.

[Sona Movsesian]

Brien.

[Brian Kiley]

Oh, okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And they freak.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah, okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And then, you know what I mean? And you're like, hey, over here, Sona.

[Sona Movsesian]

Hi.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hi, anybody? And they're like, please, miss, can you step outside? Conan o' Brien's here. We don't want to buy your waffles. Well, guess what? Okay. It's just, you know, carmax is words. There's a difference. Okay? Yeah, that's the real difference. I was kind of kidding around about my thing. I get ignored, too, at stores, not CarMax makes buying or selling a car simple. So you can do it your way, on your terms. You can shop entirely online, visit in person, or bounce between both, like a deeply indecisive genius. If you're watching your budget, CarMax's pre qualification tool lets you check out Personalized monthly payments with no impact to your credit score. Stylish cars, reliable cars. Cars that scream. I peaked in high school. You're familiar with these cars, aren't you, Sona?

[Sona Movsesian]

What do you mean?

[Conan O'Brien]

You had some junkers in your day? Or just a solid vehicle that holds a lot of snacks?

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, I love snacks.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. And your car held a lot of snacks. Mostly old ones under the seat.

[Sona Movsesian]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Rotting in the hot Los Angeles sun.

[Sona Movsesian]

Some were fresh.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't think so. I looked. Visit CarMax.com to learn more and find a car within your budget today. Want to drive CarMax? See CarMax.com for details. I'm under the gun all the time. Would you say so, Sona?

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

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Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sona Movsesian]

Terms apply.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, sometimes all it takes is a simple. Yeah, I'll swing by on a football Sunday for a simple moment to turn legendary. Yeah, now's the Time to say yes to those unexpected hangs. Bring a pack of Miller Lite. Make those small acts feel truly legendary by declaring it's Miller Time. Yeah. I gotta say, I have a lot of legendary moments in my life that revolve around Miller Lights. Sometimes I'll just swing by a friend's like Rodman or Greg or Rob was epnik true leg. And I'll legends. And I swing by and I got a. I got some Miller Lights with me, and I'm like, bros. And they're like bro heems. Yeah, we all chest bump each other.

[Sona Movsesian]

Smash cans on your head.

[Conan O'Brien]

Smash cans on our heads. And then we take Rob to the hospital. Anyway, legendary moments start with Miller Lite, and I think they end with Miller Lite, too. And in the middle, Miller Lite. Yeah, it's great taste. And guess how many calories?

[Sona Movsesian]

How many?

[Conan O'Brien]

96.

[Brian Kiley]

I did.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I tested it this morning. Oh. Go to millerlight.comconan to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some millet pretty much anywhere they sell beer. It's Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories, 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. One of your heroes, Bob Newhart. You were so excited when we thought of a bit for Bob Newhart.

[Brian Kiley]

Oh, yeah, Bob Newhart was one of my heroes.

[Conan O'Brien]

And very much like Bob Newhart. You're a clean comic, amazing jokes, and you do not have a hurried rhythm. And so you have your own thing. But you could see why. Oh, this makes perfect sense. Bob Newhart would be flying. Kylie's here.

[Brian Kiley]

That's the coolest thing. So Kevin Dorff came up with this great bit because we didn't want the Emmy show to run long. So the show's supposed to go three hours. So we have a tube with exactly three hours worth of air.

[Conan O'Brien]

Like a little glass box.

[Brian Kiley]

A glass box. And if the show runs long, Bob Newhart's in the tube there. And if a show runs long, then he dies.

[Conan O'Brien]

He dies. And the great thing is he could do this without speaking. So who's better than Bob Newhart?

[Brian Kiley]

With his face is.

[Conan O'Brien]

With his face and his big sad eyes. And so he's out there, and we wheel him out, and he's sitting on this stool. And I'm bringing this up for a reason. He's. Cause he's your idol. You haven't met him before. And we're at rehearsal, and we wheel him out. We're gonna. The idea is we're gonna wheel Bob Newhart out in this box. And then announce that he has three hours of air. And then if the show's still going, he'll die. And he's sitting in the box. And it was great because we decided it's great if Bob doesn't know that. Right. So he comes out and he's kind of sitting on the stool, and he's kind of happy to be there. And then I announce that he only has three hours worth of air and he'll die. And you just see. Cause no one could do it better than Bob. That it registered with him, what I'm saying. And he doesn't say a word. And he's also in a airtight box, so you can't see him. And he's just. It's registering. Wait, what? And so Bob couldn't be there for rehearsal, so we had you sit on the stool and be Bob Newhart, and we shot you. And then when Bob Newhart showed up, we showed him you doing it.

[Brian Kiley]

Yes. That was the coolest thing to have Bob Newhart. To have me being Bob Newhart for Bob Newhart was the coolest thing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, it was so great.

[Sona Movsesian]

You were stand in.

[Brian Kiley]

Yeah. And there was so many. There was so, like, everyone on the show knew each other so well, and there were so many amazing moments. I remember when everyone knew I was a big Red Sox fan. So in 2011, the Red Sox were in first place, like September 1st. And then they couldn't win a game for the. The last month. So at the very end of September, my dad dies, and we fly to Florida, we go to the funeral, we come back, and people are coming up to me offering their condolences. And about 80% are talking about my dad. But then I realized 20% are talking about the Red Sox. So they said, oh, man, I'm really sorry. I'm like, oh, thanks. And they're like, well, this is always next year. And it's like, no, there isn't that.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean, next year?

[Brian Kiley]

Oh, it's their pitching.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, it's gonna. They'll be back.

[Brian Kiley]

Back. Two totally different conversations.

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Just so many. I mean, I can't. I associate you with just almost every moment of my career. You're always there, and you're there again. And I don't know what I would do if you told me, yeah, I can't help you this year. I mean, I know I'd be probably even better off. No, I'm kidding. No, I just wouldn't know what to do.

[Brian Kiley]

Well, we've had this long bond and it's also just so many laughs. It's just so nice to actually have laughs every day at work, which is unusual. And none of them translate and you can't tell anybody. But we still have the laughs. There's so much.

[Conan O'Brien]

I always thought the meeting just before I go out and do a show, the card meeting, that could be so funny and not because of the jokes. And then the meeting after the show was always just fantastic.

[Brian Kiley]

Well, the other thing is because then

[Conan O'Brien]

I could talk about like if a guest was really didn't deliver, we would talk about that. And it was, that was so much fun.

[Brian Kiley]

That was so.

[Conan O'Brien]

But also I rooted against guests.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I wanted the show to tank so I could have a good post mortem meeting.

[Brian Kiley]

But also I remember, you know, Laurie and I would meet you with you right after lunch for the second.

[Conan O'Brien]

Laurie Kilmartin. Laurie Kilmartin, who's another amazing stand up.

[Brian Kiley]

Absolutely. And then you were normal. And we would talk about kids, we would talk about movies, we'd talk about whatever. Do you know what I mean?

[Conan O'Brien]

When was this? When was I normal?

[Brian Kiley]

This would be like the one o' clock meeting.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh yeah. One o' clock in the afternoon. Yes.

[Brian Kiley]

And then the meeting right before the show was total insanity. So the other writers only saw the insane parts and it was like, no, actually. And be like, no, no, he can't be normal. No, no. No one believes us.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is the fact that I was shocked that I was normal at some part of the day.

[Sona Movsesian]

I know you were like, when was that?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Prove it.

[Sona Movsesian]

I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's see. Receipts.

[Brian Kiley]

Your 1pm Normal hour.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. It's just not true. It just doesn't happen. No. And so I'm curious. I mean, this is really isn't a staff review. This is just. I love Brian Kiley and I want to talk to him. Yeah. You better be ship shape.

[Sona Movsesian]

Better do more leg days.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. That would crush me. I know. If you developed your legs also. You know what I love about me giving you about your legs? Look at mine.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean yours. It's so.

[Sona Movsesian]

I will.

[Conan O'Brien]

I will get on other people about things that I'm far guiltier of, which is the most crazy thing.

[Brian Kiley]

Well, also, like there are so many riffs on different things and I remember, remember when that, that Tommy Lee sex tape came out.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Brian Kiley]

And so we would. We wrote all these big penis jokes about Tommy Lee or whatever. So Tommy Lee's on the show and Conan's walking down the hall and Tommy Leak says, hey, Conan, I heard you've been doing jokes about me. And Conan said, yeah, about how big your penis is. Feel free to do the same about me.

[Conan O'Brien]

And he was like, oh, yeah, right, right. And then he got it then. That's actually not a bad thing for people to be joking about. Yeah, I remember that. He was like, oh, yeah, he was kind of menacing. And then he totally turned around. Oh, do more of those.

[Brian Kiley]

Yeah, it's a good thing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes. One of your obsessions was you just always wanted to write jokes about how heavy Chris Christie was. Governor Christie. And he just. And so. And you were obsessed. So every packet I get the joke packet.

[Sona Movsesian]

You're obsessed.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no. He was obsessed with Chris King loves. Because it was all jokes. It was all jokes. Like, There was a 3.2 magnitude earthquake in New Jersey today. When that story would be in the news in the morning. Like a slight tremor near Trenton. I knew on the way in. Oh, God, this is all Kylie's gonna write today. And then every joke was that setup. And then, yeah, apparently Chris Christie joined a Jazzercise class. Look how proud he still is, apparently. And you would do this. And then, God forbid. God forbid anywhere in the United States, these stories would come out, these human interest stories, and it would be like a semi truck filled with candied hams overturned on Interstate 7. And 900 hams covered the highway in Iowa, period. When he heard Chris Christie said, I'll see you. Whatever. I'll see you in Denver, he has to immediately get on the scene.

[Brian Kiley]

I don't know why he just didn't go to the supermarket and buy hams,

[Conan O'Brien]

as opposed to anytime a truck turned.

[Brian Kiley]

It just seems so fiscally.

[Conan O'Brien]

It was anytime a truck turned over or a blimp crashed and fried chicken spilled on the highway. When he heard, comma. Chris Christie said, is there a. Is there a bullet? Is there a jet that goes directly to that location? You. You. It was just. And to this day, when those stories break and I eventually accused you of shooting out the tires of semi trucks, I came up with this idea that Kylie finds what trucks are carrying. Hams, giant hams and roast beefs. And there's a giant truck carrying candy apples, and it's headed through Nebraska. Cut to Kylie on a high hill. He's got the itinerary of the truck. He's got a scope with, like this,

[Sona Movsesian]

just for the setup.

[Conan O'Brien]

And he fires, blows out the tires. It spills, you know, roast beef spill all over the highway. And Kylie starts submitting jokes even before USA Today has it.

[Brian Kiley]

Well, I remember when they came out with the memo of, like, no more fat jokes. And I was like, what, yo?

[Conan O'Brien]

He was downstream.

[Brian Kiley]

And then people are coming up to me offering their condolences. And I thought they were talking about my dad.

[Sona Movsesian]

Did you do all the Taco Bell jokes, too?

[Brian Kiley]

Is that you? We did do a lot of Taco Bell jokes.

[Conan O'Brien]

I was getting paid by Taco Bell under the table.

[Sona Movsesian]

I know.

[Brian Kiley]

Well, that we did a lot of Taco Bell Tyree jokes. And then we had to stop because they started becoming our sponsor, which is a great way to blackmail people into becoming a sponsor.

[Conan O'Brien]

You drove more companies into becoming our sponsor. And you know what would help? I mean, for the podcast, we're doing great, but to have Kylie come in occasionally. Let's pick a top brand that hasn't bought into the show.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You go after them.

[Brian Kiley]

Sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

With your. With your special humor. And then the next thing you know, they'll call up and go, we gotta. We gotta stop this. Wow. I can't believe they bought Wendy's bought in. Yeah.

[Brian Kiley]

We had to send in a monologue for. For. When would they have, like, a Writer's Guild Award or something? So we had to type it up, and we went through a bunch of them. So we came with one. It was like six jokes, like five really smart political jokes. We're like, this is perfect. Or whatever. And then, of course, the last one is a Taco Bell diarrhea. We're like, how old? The kids had that in there.

[Sona Movsesian]

You thought you were gonna have a smart monologue. And then Taco Bell crept in there.

[Conan O'Brien]

Anytime. There was a moment where we thought, maybe we'll get a Peabody Award this year. Whatever we submitted had one Kylie diarrhea joke in there. And you just could see the Peabody Committee. This is very good. They've checked all of our socially responsible boxes and diarrhea.

[Brian Kiley]

Yeah, you gotta keep it real, guys.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

I owe you a lot. Oh, please. You've cost me terribly, but I still owe you a lot. No, this was really fun. I know.

[Sona Movsesian]

What was your favorite event thing to work on with him?

[Conan O'Brien]

Like what?

[Sona Movsesian]

What? Do you like them?

[Brian Kiley]

What's more, I mean, the White House Correspondent's Dinner is pretty cool because he'd do a joke, and then they'd cut to Bob Dole laughing, and we had. Or whatever. You know what I mean?

[Conan O'Brien]

So you see, the next day, I did the. The Clinton, and it went. The one for Clinton, and it went really well. And this is when I'm still pretty new to people. I'VE only been on the air for, like, two years, and people like, once, you know, this guy's gonna bomb. And you guys wrote just some amazing stuff. And I get up and I do it. And then the next day, I took my parents. My parents had come to see it. I took my parents out to dinner in Washington, D.C. for brunch. And I'm just really happy that I made it and it worked out well. And I'm sitting with my parents at a table, and Bob Dole walks by, and he points at me and he says, good term limits joke. I'm like, what? To have, like, one of the most powerful guys in the Senate say good term limits joke? Which was probably your joke, but.

[Brian Kiley]

Well, and I also remember when you had a joke about, you know, I walked through the streets of Washington, and it's like, this is where Jefferson was and Madison and Hamilton and Bono. And you cut to Sonny Bono, who was a congressman, and he's just kind of like, whatever, what the hell?

[Conan O'Brien]

Of course, Tragically died two years later in a skiing accident. We got him while he was still around.

[Sona Movsesian]

He was there. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Sona Movsesian]

Jesus. Why'd you have to bring up how he died?

[Conan O'Brien]

I just. I wanted to make sure people knew that this was. That he was hearing that joke before he died.

[Brian Kiley]

Okay.

[Sona Movsesian]

You weren't making fun of him after he tragically died?

[Conan O'Brien]

I would never do that.

[Sona Movsesian]

That's nice. Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's not there to cut away, too.

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

I have a heart and I'm practical. You can't cut to a grave. It just doesn't look good.

[Sona Movsesian]

Jesus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. I've tried. Oh. It's called a comedy killer, man. Tell that to Sonny Bono.

[Brian Kiley]

Cut to. Hey.

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, Brian, I'm glad you came in for your staff review. Yay. You know, well, thanks for all the

[Brian Kiley]

laughs and all the fun.

[Conan O'Brien]

You, too. I mean, just so many. So many great jokes. There's one I remembered when every celebrity was coming out with a cologne, and I thought, you wrote this one. But it's still. Every now and then, I think about, it was just like Luciano when Pavarotti's alive. Hello. And I said. And it was true. It was in the story that he had come out with the cologne. And you said, no, this wasn't mine. Oh, wasn't yours? No, it was a great Luciano Pavarotti. Today, Luciano Pavarotti released a scent, this time on purpose.

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

I was so happy with that one. Still think about that one.

[Sona Movsesian]

But that Was not your joke.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't care.

[Brian Kiley]

You know, I didn't. I couldn't do every fat joke.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, that's true.

[Sona Movsesian]

Do you still remember all the jokes you wrote? Like, if you listen to his White House correspondents dinner, would you be like, I wrote that one?

[Brian Kiley]

You forget most of them.

[Conan O'Brien]

When I look through my whole career, I never know. You know, people will say to me sometimes, oh, that's so you. That joke. You must have written that one. And I don't even know anymore.

[Brian Kiley]

No, no. And. And people would compliment me on a joke and they go, that wasn't. And then I look at my computer, it's like, there it is. It's like, oh, I didn't remember that at all. Yeah, that definitely happened.

[Conan O'Brien]

How are we going to do this here at the Oscars?

[Brian Kiley]

Taco Bell diarrhea jokes? Well, you know, if Chris Christie.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah, bring back Chris Christie.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know. Anyone listening now? Listen to the Oscars. If I walk out there and the first thing I do is say, folks, we've got a great Oscars tonight. So many stars are here. But quickly, I just gotta mention, a truck carrying 900 eclairs just overturned in Newport, Rhode island, when he heard Chris Christie said, get me to Newport. Cut to Leo DiCaprio looking confused. Timothee Chalamet, Kylie Jenner laughing really hard.

[Sona Movsesian]

Oh, she's like.

[Conan O'Brien]

She's like, that's good.

[Sona Movsesian]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finally, she's your audience.

[Brian Kiley]

Well, yes, and if he. Chris Christie, if he thinks it's the Oscar Mayer commercial, you could make an appearance.

[Conan O'Brien]

Guys, Oscars. The hot dog people. No, the film award. You're gonna be calling him, saying, would you do a bit? Will you keep running in with a bib saying, oscars. Are the wieners here yet? No. Chris Christie, you're the worst. I'm just realizing right now, you have crippled my career. Get the fuck out of Brian Kiley. God bless you, sir.

[Brian Kiley]

Thank you so much.

[Conan O'Brien]

So good to see you.

[Brian Kiley]

Go, Pats.

[Conan O'Brien]

Uh. Oh, this is gonna.

[Brian Kiley]

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

[Conan O'Brien]

We just choose controversial.

[Brian Kiley]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Over and out. Because when this airs, they'll have already lost. I said it before.

[Podcast Narrator]

Conan o' Brien needs a fan. With Conan o', Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley, produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm engineering by eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM. When you sign up at SiriusXM.com Conan please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'. Brien. Needed a fan Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sona Movsesian]

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[Sona Movsesian]

What do I do?

[Brian Kiley]

My refund though. I'm freaking out.

[Conan O'Brien]

Don't worry, I can fix this.

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[Sona Movsesian]

I'm so relieved.

[Conan O'Brien]

No problem.

[Brian Kiley]

Problem.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'll be with you every step of the way.

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[Sona Movsesian]

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[Brian Kiley]

and it's paying off out the gate.

[Sona Movsesian]

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[Sona Movsesian]

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[Sona Movsesian]

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