The Conan and Jordan Show - Lady Crackers

Summary

Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend Episode: Lady Crackers

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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend is a podcast where Conan O’Brien seeks genuine friendships through candid and humorous conversations with various guests. In the episode titled Lady Crackers, Conan teams up with Jordan Schlansky to deliver an engaging and playful dialogue filled with humor, mock advertisements, and philosophical musings.

1. Show Continuation and Dynamics

[01:07 - 03:10]

The episode begins with Conan expressing his surprise and delight at being able to host a second episode of the Conan and Jordan Show. He humorously admits, “I didn’t think we’d get to a second episode” (Conan O’Brien [01:15]) after initially threatening Jordan with playful banter in the first episode. Jordan questions the success metrics of their show, to which Conan confidently responds he has no data but trusts his instincts about its popularity.

Notable Quotes:

• Conan O’Brien [01:15]: “I have to smash your face into powder. But we made it. We're here.”
• Jordan Schlansky [02:34]: “How does this compare, the launch of this show?”

2. Mock Advertisement for Lady Crackers

[03:10 - 17:53]

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to a humorous and improvised advertisement for a fictional product—Lady Crackers. Conan and Jordan engage in a satirical portrayal of an infomercial, where Jordan meticulously describes the product’s quality ingredients, while Conan critiques and comically disrupts the ad narrative.

They discuss the attributes of Lady Crackers, focusing on their use of premium olive oil and sea salt, avoiding processed seed oils. Conan pushes Jordan to embellish the ad further, leading to exaggerated and humorous ad content.

Notable Quotes:

• Jordan Schlansky [12:00]: “Lady Crackers, Los Angeles. Olive oil and sea salt. Now, you're going to often find lesser quality oils used in many products.”
• Conan O’Brien [13:22]: “This is the worst ad ever. You can't just crunch.”
• Conan O’Brien [14:01]: “That's a fine pitch. I'm going to do you one better...”

3. Philosophical Discussion: Time Travel Ethics

[22:14 - 32:56]

Following the mock advertisement, Conan and Jordan transition into a "philosophical discussion" about the ethics of time travel. They explore hypothetical scenarios where time travel could be used to alter significant historical events, such as saving Abraham Lincoln from assassination.

Jordan approaches the topic analytically, considering the implications of witnessing versus altering events. Conan injects humor by imagining dramatic interventions, like telling Lincoln to "heads up" or envisioning Abe Lincoln physically confronting John Wilkes Booth.

Notable Quotes:

• Conan O’Brien [22:27]: “Is sports betting allowed? If sports betting allowed, then definitely. Let's have that. Let's go back in time.”
• Jordan Schlansky [24:32]: “I might go back and witness dinosaurs if I could assure my own safety.”
• Conan O’Brien [25:14]: “I do encourage the listeners to try and discern the last part of the song because that's an important use of everyone's time production.”

4. Interpersonal Banter and Character Play

Throughout the episode, Conan and Jordan engage in sharp and witty exchanges that highlight their unique dynamic. Conan often takes on a teasing role, pushing Jordan into humorous dilemmas and playful conflicts.

Notable Quotes:

• Conan O’Brien [26:22]: “Don't ever say that again. Don't ever say I'm inside you.”
• Jordan Schlansky [32:41]: “You're whimpering in the corner, eating Ritz.”

5. Conclusion and Wrap-Up

[32:56 - End]

As the episode concludes, Conan mockingly praises the collaboration, expressing both faux sympathy and feigned affection towards Jordan. They wrap up the philosophical segment with a light-hearted reflection on their tumultuous yet entertaining interaction.

Notable Quotes:

• Conan O’Brien [33:47]: “This was a great episode. It was a great episode because you came out of the gate hot, and then you ended up in this spectacular explosion.”
• Jordan Schlansky [35:06]: “Cheers.”

Insights and Themes

• Humor and Satire: The episode leverages humor through mock advertisements and exaggerated scenarios, showcasing Conan and Jordan's comedic chemistry.

• Character Exploration: Through playful banter, the episode delves into the personalities of both hosts, highlighting Conan’s improvisational humor and Jordan’s meticulous demeanor.

• Philosophical Inquiry: The discussion on time travel ethics adds depth, blending intellectual conversation with comedic elements.

Conclusion

Lady Crackers exemplifies the show's essence—blending humor, satire, and intellectual discourse to create an engaging listening experience. Through playful interactions and thoughtful discussions, Conan O’Brien and Jordan Schlansky offer listeners a unique blend of entertainment and contemplation, making it a memorable episode in the podcast series.

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Notable Quotes Overview:

• Conan O’Brien [01:15]: “I have to smash your face into powder. But we made it. We're here.”
• Jordan Schlansky [12:00]: “Lady Crackers, Los Angeles. Olive oil and sea salt..."
• Conan O’Brien [13:22]: “This is the worst ad ever. You can't just crunch.”
• Conan O’Brien [22:27]: “Is sports betting allowed? If sports betting allowed, then definitely. Let's have that. Let's go back in time.”
• Conan O’Brien [26:22]: “Don't ever say that again. Don't ever say I'm inside you.”
• Conan O’Brien [33:47]: “This was a great episode. It was a great episode...”
• Jordan Schlansky [35:06]: “Cheers.”

These quotes encapsulate the episode's humor, dynamic interactions, and the blend of scripted and improvised content that defines the Conan and Jordan Show.

Transcript

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[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

Price may vary.

[Carl]

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[Frank]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

A modern day warrior.

[Conan O'Brien]

Mean means.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Try today's Tom Sawyer Mean Pride.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right. Well, welcome to the Conan and Jordan Show. This is our second episode. I have to be honest with you, Jordan. I didn't think we'd get to a second episode. Yeah, because during the last one, I'm just being honest. I wanted to smash your face into powder. But we made it. We're here. And this is by popular demand. People love the Conan and Jordan Show.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What kind of polling did you do to determine the success of the first episode?

[Conan O'Brien]

I've looked at no data. I've talked to no one. I live pretty much a secluded, strange life, but I know deep in my heart that this thing's a smash hit. So much so that look, we have our own sign now. The Conan and Jordan Show.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Now, I was under the impression that the previous recording session was an audition of sorts.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, God, no, no. We use every part of the buffalo here. We can't waste anything. So, no, that was not an audition. That was the first episode.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So now we have our own show. We've passed.

[Conan O'Brien]

We had.

[Jordan Schlansky]

We've passed whatever requirements we needed to pass.

[Conan O'Brien]

What requirements are there? This is the radio.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I was under the impression with Sink or Swim that the first episode was going to determine the future viability of you and I.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not really, no. No, you were under no pressure.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Is this a vote of confidence by Any interpretation?

[Conan O'Brien]

Nobody, nobody has. I've run this up the flagpole. It's Sirius. They said we don't have a flagpole and we're not taking your call.

[Jordan Schlansky]

How does this compare, the launch of this show? How would this compare, let's say to the launch of your late night show maybe 30 years ago now, or any of your new projects. Even your Conan O'Brien needs a friend podcast. Would this be comparable launch?

[Conan O'Brien]

Not at all. No. Those were like massive battleships that you hit it with the champagne, they slide into the ocean, then they have a storied career on the high seas defending England or America or whatever country manufactured the ship. This, I don't know, this is the emission of a little gas, maybe from like a broken down machine, but still it's something that's happening and we have to respect it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What kind of promotional circuit can I expect? Will we be hitting the road?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, got it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Spreading the word.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, no. We can't spread anything.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Is there any press release that I need to approve or anything like that?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't even think we can afford that. And I'm told they're free, so. No. And first of all, you've so far been just asking a series of questions and I've indulged you, but let me get a little bit of stuff out.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, you have an agenda? Okay, go ahead.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, you don't have to announce everything. It's the Conan and Jordan Show. It's the second episode. This is where you and I talk. And people do all the time, ask me, how's Jordan doing? I want more Conan and Jordan. You know that our videos are a massive hit on YouTube, various other sundry places, the websites, people love them. They can't get enough. They want more. Well, now we're giving them more. And what better way to experience us than while you're driving around maybe in your rental car or at home listening to Sirius xm. This is the way to do it. People listen to the Conan O'Brien channel, they want to hear this stuff, you know, so it's you and I together. How you feeling about it?

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's what you cut me off to get to? Yeah. I thought you had some bombshell you were going to drop. That's what you had to say. That's the information you had to spread.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I can't believe you had Billy Corgan on your podcast and you didn't ask him what he was chanting at the beginning of 1979. A question that's been confounding fans for decades. On the forums, you had him right here. I did it. You could have said, what were you chanting? But instead it was, oh, I'm a guitarist, too. Do you prefer a Telecaster or a Stratocaster? You know, why didn't you ask him the question that people.

[Conan O'Brien]

First of all, it's just Stratocaster. It's not Stratocaster.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Second of all, we just said the same thing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Second of all, I did ask him. We talked about it as he was getting into his car. Because the magic moments for me aren't captured. Okay? You greedily want me to spill that kind of stuff into a microphone. I walked Billy to his car. It was Acura and massive dent the back bumper. And I asked him that question and he told me the answer. But that's the kind of thing I can't share.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You can listen to the isolated audio tracks on YouTube and you still can't figure it out. He would have told you. It's not meant to be a secret. It's not like Quentin Tarantino not telling people it was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. It just so happens he's never been asked. Now, you had the opportunity to ask and finally put this to rest, but instead you decided to stick to guitars.

[Conan O'Brien]

I asked him what I was interested in, and I also knew that he'd tell me when we walked him to his Acura. And he did. So I was satisfied.

[Jordan Schlansky]

The Internet is a great resource for many things. You could look up Beyonce's song lyrics, the Lemonade, and see a thousand renditions of it. But there are some songs, John Parr's St. Elmo's Fire, where there are not accurate depictions of the lyrics anywhere.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. St. Elmo's Fire.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, the last.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you like that song?

[Jordan Schlansky]

1985, man in Motion. St. Elmo's Fire by John Parr, which was secretly about differently abled people overcoming the odds, but under the guise of a teen movie, as used in the movie, they weren't.

[Conan O'Brien]

They were in their twenties. Don't anger me. When people call people teens when they're 25, 26 sometimes, some of them pushing 30. Emilio Estevez was 44 years old when he starred in that movie.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're a man that appreciates horns. Do you understand the horn work that David Foster put into that final chorus? Yet nobody understands what the lyrics are in the final. But I figured it out. I figured it out.

[Conan O'Brien]

Tell me the lyrics.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, you try to figure it out.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I don't even know.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I looked at the sheet music in the 80s. And the sheet music had the wrong lyrics.

[Conan O'Brien]

I can't conjure the song. I can't conjure the song.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I can see a new herald Underneath the blazing sky can we play a lie?

[Conan O'Brien]

Hold on, hold on.

[Jordan Schlansky]

They changed the lyrics in the last chorus. That's the power. The lyrics are the same in the first and second. But the last one, he changes it up, but you can't understand what he's saying. I figured it out. I listened to that hundreds of times. Well, you cannot figure it out. Everything on the Internet is wrong.

[Conan O'Brien]

Everything on the Internet is a life well spent. Here we go.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, you gotta get to the end.

[Conan O'Brien]

We're gonna listen to this part first. Okay, this is. I remember this.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I think the first note is upcut. Famous production error.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think the year was 1985. I'm in this theater.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, I just said that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Settle down. Thanks. You're kind of re. Listen to those drums. Those are terrible.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This driving. This driving beat, that was David Foster's signature Night Ranger. Secret of my success.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, why are we listening?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I told you to get to the end.

[Conan O'Brien]

You like this song?

[Jordan Schlansky]

This song is fantastic. This song gets the blood pumping. What are you talking about? Don't you hear that driving beat? It's like four on the floor. But you hear the hi hat work and it's that ostinato. You may think that. Oh, it's repetitive. The drum beat. I say it's ostinato. The Italian concept of persistence. That is a great musical technique.

[Conan O'Brien]

We just got canceled, but they just let go.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Have you heard the end of Aerosmith's what It Takes? Where he's like, let it go. Let it go. That's ostinato. They cut that off for the single releases of this song.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm going to ask you to do me a favor, Jordan. When I hold up my hand like this, you're going to have to stop talking, because otherwise you just wash over me and you're a little out of control right now. We had a nice conversation going, and then you brought up this song, man in Motion, the theme song for St. Elmo's Fire, which is a bullshit song. And then you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I want you to tell me what he's saying in the last chorus. Don't try to deflect, pivot, or otherwise change the subject. Don't solely fade out the music after we heard the inconsequential introduction Based on the contents of this conversation.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, you say a great.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're saying that a great song has an inconsequential opening to the.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's not a great part of this conversation.

[Conan O'Brien]

Great song, by definition has a great beginning.

[Jordan Schlansky]

How's your hearing?

[Conan O'Brien]

My hearing is perfect.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying. Or Google it. Take as much time as you need. Oh, tell me what he's saying.

[Conan O'Brien]

I forgot that the universal sign of good hearing is being able to determine and remember the lyrics.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Whatever emotions you have at your disposition disposal as a list celebrity to tell me the lyrics to the last chorus.

[Conan O'Brien]

You think I'm an a lister?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Tell me the lyrics to the last chorus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Listen, here we go. Say with fire I can climb the highest mountain I can cross the wild to see.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is easy. This is kids play. Last chorus. It starts with. I could hear the music playing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, there he just yelled. I think he traps.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You missed the last chorus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, Because I don't care. Tell me what the last lyrics.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, I'm not gonna. I'm not going to tell you my hard work. You're not gonna benefit after ridiculing me. You're not gonna benefit from my hard listening work. What I'm saying is also, there are. There are many lyrics for which no matter how many resources you have at your disposal, short of contacting John Parr, by the way, who's a philanthropist, a British philanthropist, you will not be able to determine these lyrics. Ice house is electric.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's a philanthropist but he can't give. Look at that face. Oh, man, you got served owned. Jordan, you're a terrible person. And our time away from each other has been a sav for my tattered soul. We're together again because the public demands it. We have our own show. And you completely commandeered it right up top to make us listen to that piece of mid-80s crap.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What's the power balance on this show if it is in fact ours?

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, let's take a look at the order of the names. The Conan and Jordan show, huh?

[Jordan Schlansky]

The size of the font is also.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, big Conan. And then sort of little scripted Jordan. I think you understand what the power balance is here. You're here because I allow you to be here. You live because I allow you to live. And maybe you're just someone that I imagined and you think you have a life, but the minute I stop thinking about you, you'll disappear.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Fascinating.

[Conan O'Brien]

So let's talk man in motion. I do encourage the listeners to try and discern the last part of the song because that's an important use of everyone's time production.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What will the listener take with them after listening to this radio program? They will take with them newfound knowledge, although you didn't allow the knowledge to be revealed. Newfound knowledge of a great mystery of the Internet.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think what people will take from this is a newfound hatred for you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

If you ever have.

[Conan O'Brien]

I thought they hated you before, but now they're going to go, look, before it was, if I cross paths with Jordan, I'll smash his face. Now it's going to be, I've got to find out where that fucker is and I need to take him out at the knees. That's what's going to be.

[Jordan Schlansky]

If you ever have Eddie Vedder on your show, I trust you will ask him what he's chanting at the beginning.

[Conan O'Brien]

Of WMA Be the first thing out of my mouth.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay?

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. I promise it. I'll write it on my hand. Yeah, all right. Swear to God.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Go ahead.

[Conan O'Brien]

Usually it's, how are you? Yeah, I like to try and ease into it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Small talk. Yeah, I understand that makes people feel, are you comfortable?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, that's all. That's my technique. But as a robot, you wouldn't know that. You have your own techniques. Jordan, this is what we have to do. We have to do a quick commercial. The sponsor now is Lady Crackers.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why don't you just give an ad for Lady Crackers right now? Just make it up as you go.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Lady Crackers, Los Angeles. Olive oil and sea salt. Now, you're going to often find lesser quality oils used in many products. Things like soybean oil. These are industrial oils. Then you'll find seed oil, sunflower, safflower. Rarely do you find a brand that's willing to go to the expense of providing a premium oil because frankly, most consumers don't understand what they're putting in their body. They shovel food in, they don't understand the quality of said food. Now you have a product that is using olive oil, one of the finest oils on.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I confirm something from Frank? He had no idea what I was going to hand him.

[Unknown]

No idea.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is not written.

[Unknown]

There's no copy.

[Conan O'Brien]

There's no copy. This is absolutely. What are you doing? How do you able to do that?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, the first thing I look for, a product made with olive oil and lack of seed oils or processed oils like canola, which is also called rapeseed, which people perceive because it has a high monounsaturated fat content. Did they say grape seed rapeseed?

[Conan O'Brien]

What don't talk that way on this program. What are you talking about? That's awful.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's a piece of flora. Nevertheless, I look for products that don't use processed or seed oils. I like certain kinds of fats. I like olive oil, butter or ghee. Coconut oil is fine.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's get back to. You know, the sponsor is going to want to hear their product name and a little more about the product rather than a list of every oil that exists.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Lady crackers, Los Angeles olive oil and sea salt Premium. Very few ingredients, which is always a good thing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Would you like to taste one? Why don't you open it up and taste one?

[Jordan Schlansky]

It's okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Could you please.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I typically try to avoid. Would you please avoid?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, it's okay. Would you please avoid, please? Yeah, just open it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

When I open a box like this, I don't. I like to keep these three tabs intact. Okay. Sometimes it's a challenge. I have to look. I believe that we're defined by what surrounds us aesthetically. Every day I like a beautiful looking box to surround me. A box that I could picture you. Especially if we're producing a program like this. Ripping this thing.

[Conan O'Brien]

I would tear that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I would just like a gorilla. But I like to put it in your mouth. Delicately. Yeah.

[Unknown]

Stick it in your mouth.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, Right. Just have the cracker, please.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, I understand. Yeah. Well, what do you think? Not overly salted. That's a good thing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sometimes they put too much salt on.

[Jordan Schlansky]

They put too much salt. Oh, 340 milligrams. That's a little high per serving. I don't know how you define a serving size. One ounce.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's a sponsor, Jordan. So just try and be positive about it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Is that to say that it's a perfect product? Who am I to. Who am I to assess?

[Conan O'Brien]

This is the worst ad ever. You can't just crunch.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What I'm saying is I see a lot of. If you're looking for a cracker. If I were looking for a cracker, if I found myself. A lot of people look for crackers in their daily lives. They feel like they want a cracker. If I wanted a cracker, I would certainly go for lady and Larder.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's a fine pitch. I'm going to do you one better. Lady and Larder. I want a cracker at night and I want one with a clean crunch.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Mmm.

[Conan O'Brien]

That gives you that lady and Larda crackle. The munch crunch. That makes you happy a whole bunch. That's why lady and Larda, lady and Larder tear that box open, rip them tabs and slam that cracker down your puss. And remember, if any crumbs go astray, use your tongue, get it outside your face and lick them up. Keep that tongue outside your head. It's a good way to get those crumbs. Lady and Lauder now with more of the good stuff that you love. Get it now? What do you think?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, you know, we have different approaches.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, you talked in a very depressed way for a while and then said, seems like kind of a high sodium content in the end.

[Jordan Schlansky]

We both appreciate lady crackers for different reasons. Yeah, you like the clean crunch. I like the lack of overreliance on processed industrial oils.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's the clean crunch that gives you a munch. And I love it a bunch. See the way it rhymes? People love that in an ad. They're not going to remember your sodium content. Quip. But they're going to remember. Do you have an idea for a jingle for this? Do you want to sing a little song?

[Unknown]

The company asked us to sing a jingle. Can you please do the jingle?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not one to sing, but I could tell you I wrote a jingle for Guinness Beer once. I entered a contest in 1996.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, let's hear it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And I believe I should have won. So let's hear it. They may have this regularly. You had to write a limerick. You're familiar with a limerick?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, that's racist. But sure, yeah. And I live with a leprechaun.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I just ate a four leaf clover for lunch.

[Jordan Schlansky]

A limerick is a written work that follows a very specific syntax and rhyming structure. Okay. Five lines. One, two and five rhyme. And then three and four rhyme. Okay? Guinness had a contest come up with a limerick and the winner will get maybe was a trip to Ireland or something like this. So in 1996, I sent in a limerick which I have to believe would have run.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you remember it?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I absolutely remember it.

[Conan O'Brien]

I can't wait to hear it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And I'm. And the fact that it didn't win tells me that either they lost the mail or someone didn't. The right person didn't look at it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right.

[Unknown]

What's the limerick?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, here's the limerick about Guinness Beer across ire. A young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune. No doubt as he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled to cold Guinness. Hence the lad's pot of gold. Was that stout.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what?

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's good. Yeah, that is good.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's very good.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And I'll spend a Long time on it.

[Conan O'Brien]

I hope you didn't spend too long on it, but.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I want to know what was better than that. I'd like to know. Guinness in 1996. What was a better limerick than that? To promote your product. I got no acknowledgement.

[Conan O'Brien]

There was an old man from Nantucket who wanted his young friend to suck it. He said, guinness. I said, I didn't mean your head. And then the guy kicked the bucket. I just made that up.

[Unknown]

That's pretty good.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you know what? I spent no time on it. Yeah, and it's got something dirty in it, so everyone's going to remember it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, I feel minus superior.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, but the point is, don't. You're still bitter that you lost that Guinness game. What was the prize?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I believe it was a trip to Ireland. I can't confirm. I don't drink beer myself.

[Conan O'Brien]

My family fled that place. Let's get out of here. There's nothing to eat.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're referring to the potato famine?

[Conan O'Brien]

No. My people fled in 1982. The line at Burger King was too long. We gotta get out of here. Let's get to Brookline, Mass. They flew over on Aer Lingus. Lingus. That'd be a funny analytic. Also dirty. Hey, listen, I thought you did a good job with the ad overall.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Thanks. This lad.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, you did a fine job. We're gonna take a little break. When we return, Jordan and I will have a deep philosophical discussion. Don't touch that dial. Sona. When you take a big trip with the family, and I know that you love to travel, and your kids are getting old enough now where they like to travel, too.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that's true.

[Conan O'Brien]

Who looks after the house?

[Unknown]

That's the thing. Nobody. And so I've actually been toying with the idea of maybe, you know, putting my house up on Airbnb, making some extra cash, having someone there.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's like you're hosting people.

[Unknown]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's like you're getting paid to travel. You can use the money that you get from putting your house up on Airbnb to help finance your trip.

[Unknown]

Exactly. And you know what? There's people there that are looking after my relics.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have a lot of people don't know this, but Sona has a lot of ancient Greek relics. Etruscan relics.

[Unknown]

Yes, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have a lot of sculpture from the Assyrian empire. Sona has billions and billions of dollars worth of ancient, ancient artifacts that have never even been looked at by archeologists.

[Unknown]

They should all be in a museum.

[Conan O'Brien]

They really should be yeah, but it's nice when you're. When you're away. Your home could be an Airbnb. And that's something to keep in mind. So your home, AKA your future Airbnb, might be worth more than you think. Find out how [e-mail] host everyone's got the big villain in their life. You know who mine is?

[Unknown]

Who?

[Conan O'Brien]

The person in my house that opens a vanilla yogurt a little bit, takes like one or two spoonfuls, and then closes that foil back up again.

[Unknown]

This is so passive aggressive. Cause it's just you and your wife. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Gotcha, baby. I need just a little for my smoothie. Take the whole thing and leave it alone. It's not that big. She's the villain in my life. How do you sleep at night, honey? Well, you already know the answer. Mattress Firm. Mattress Firm. We'll find you the right bed with their wide selection of quality mattresses at every price. Rest easy with Mattress Firm's 120 night sleep trial. Love it or your money back. You can sleep on this for 120 nights and then say maybe not and ship it back. I don't think so. You're going to love it. See a lower price somewhere else. Mattress Firm will match it with their low price guarantee. Wow. Get matched at Mattress Firm's Black Friday sale and sleep at night restrictions apply. See mattressfirm.com or store for details and text CONAN to 766693 for 100 bucks off your next purchase at Mattress Firm. Exclusion supply. Carl's Juniors.

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[Jordan Schlansky]

Price may vary.

[Carl]

Not valid with any other offer, discount or combo.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, I'm going to move on to our next segment. Conan and Jordan discuss a philosophical question. Frank, why don't you tell us what you had in mind here?

[Unknown]

So we're going to have a segment here called Conan and Jordan have a philosophical discussion. Okay, Jordan, if. Ann Conan, if time travel were possible, would it be ethical?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I think we would redefine our ethics and morality to suit the emergence of new technology. I can't imagine many circumstances in human history where ethics have stopped the progress of technology. Unfortunately, a lot of times conflicts. Our justification to develop technology, you look at the. You look at nuclear technology, both fission and fusion. You know, originally. Originally fusion and then later fission. Fusion, of course, you're taking two light elements and joining them. And fission, you're taking a heavy, like a uranium or a plutonium, and you're splitting it. Nevertheless, I can't think of situations where technology never advanced, at least to my knowledge, because of ethics. Ethics of morality.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I stop you before you get boring? Oh, wait, I'd need a time machine for that. I have to go back nine minutes ago to the start of your blammo. You just got blamoed. My question would be, is sports betting allowed? If sports betting allowed, then definitely. Let's have that. Let's go back in time. I could clean up. Then you make a lot of money. Then you go back further in time. When land is really cheap, you go to Long island and you say, hey there, 1680 farmer, what do you want for these nine acres on the ocean? These nine acres? Why, I would wish to have six dollars. Six dollars a. Here's sixteen dollars. Well, thank you. Yep, that's what you would do.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Would you go backwards or forwards? If you had one shot, you'd go backwards. And what would you witness first? If you can only witness what.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'd go to Ford's Theater and I'd say, hey, Abe, behind you. I'd save Abraham Lincoln's life.

[Jordan Schlansky]

But if you are just an observer and had no ability to change anything and you can witness one event so you could pick the time and place and you can go back, would that be it? I mean, just as an intellectual curiosity.

[Conan O'Brien]

I would go back in time.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You would go back to the assassination of Lincoln. Would you go back? Because Lincoln, there's no.

[Conan O'Brien]

Just one.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No. If you had one, or to like. Would you go to, like, the Kennedy assassination to. To uncover the mystery, or would you go to something where there's certainty? Or would you go back to the Jurassic period and look at a dinosaur?

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, I've seen Jurassic park and I think they probably got it right.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's an interesting time. Would it be the.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I wouldn't go to the Roman times because I saw Gladiator and I think that's a good. I think most movies have pretty accurately depicted what those times were like. And I think if I go back in time, it's going to look like that, only a little dirtier. Like people's togas will be dirty and I'll be like, ah, this Sort of sucks. So I don't want to see that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

So, nah, I don't want to see that stuff. I really just want to go to Ford Cedar and go, hey, Abe, heads up. Because you know what? I'll tell you this. ABE Lincoln was 6 4, my height, and a strong backwoodsman. He would have turned around. Booth was a relatively small guy and an actor. I've interviewed enough of them to know that they're pretty easy to take in a fight. So he would just clean Booth's clock. That would be fun. Abe would just be wailing on Booth.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And then it would just turn into another failed assassination attempt, which there are many throughout American and world history and wouldn't be as consequential as it was today. And in the end, you wouldn't have witnessed a momentous occasion. You would have just witnessed a closer to occasion.

[Conan O'Brien]

I would have witnessed the ultimate beat down. Abe Blinken kicks the shit out of some little actor, takes his derringer away and kicks the shit out of him, then throws him off the balcony. And then all the actors that are starring in the play Our American Cousin, starring Laura Keene, they all start kicking Booth.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You see, you have me inside you. You know, sometimes you'll give me a straight answer, and you have the facts as well. What you ridicule me for is really a reflection.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you just say that? I've had you inside me.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You have me inside you now.

[Conan O'Brien]

Stop. Don't ever say that again. Don't ever say that again. I don't want you inside what you see.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And you. No means no lives inside you. That's why you detested.

[Conan O'Brien]

Don't ever say that. Don't ever say that again. Don't ever, ever say I'm inside you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm a part of you and you're a part of me. I've seen you at your best. I've seen you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, wait. We're inside.

[Jordan Schlansky]

We have an incredibly intimate relationship.

[Conan O'Brien]

We're intimate.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And that's hard to do, too. Think of the geometry of that one.

[Unknown]

He mentioned where he would go if he could time travel. Jordan.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Where would you go?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, yeah. This is fascinating. This is a legitimate question. Yeah, you know, I got. I'm assuming one shot, one chance. I mean, the question is future or past? Right? Because future is, like, unwritten. Where do you even go? Do you go 10 years? Do you go a thousand years?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm not going to take away future. I'm just going to say past.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, past. Yeah. Well, you know, I would want to witness something I probably like. You wouldn't necessarily want to solve any mystery as much as just witness something. I might go back and witness dinosaurs if I could assure my own safety. And. And you'd have to be in the right place at the right time, so you really have to.

[Conan O'Brien]

Safety. So we have to talk to the dinosaurs first and say, leave that guy alone over there.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't want to be killed by a dinosaur. I just want to witness them.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, it's going to be a problem if you go back there. You have to take that into account.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes, I do have.

[Conan O'Brien]

There's a good chance. I mean, if I. And I could see you being very irritating to a brontosaurus, I could see a brontosaurus being like, I just fucking hate that guy.

[Jordan Schlansky]

It's a bronto Sourdoughs. It's not, of course, the Latin for.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're just saying it's not brown to ket.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Quatless. What? You familiar with Ketzel Quatlis, the flying dinosaur? There was like, a 1982 or 1983 horror movie called Q. Q stood for Quetzalcoatl, or they called it Quetzalcoatl, but the actual scientific name is Ketzel Quatlis. Kel was, you know, the 1980s.

[Conan O'Brien]

Just talk over me. That's fine.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, Kel. If he was a Mexican God, he must have been named after Quetzalcoatlus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Say how you pronounce brontosaurus again?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Brontosaurus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. You need to be hit. I'm not going to say with steel rods, because that's. But with a denser wood, Like a wood. But it's a dense wood, like a mahogany. You need to be hit with mahogany. Because no one says that. Even a brontosaurus, if it just heard that would put both of its giant paws in front of its eyes and just be like, oh, my God, what a dick. No, it's not. How do you say pterodactyl?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Pterodactyl.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why do you say these things like Dracula?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm just looking at the root of the word. I understand that these words have Latin roots, and I look at the root of the word and I use it properly. I'm not one of those people that says alum or haphazardly throws out the word alumni improperly.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you say?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, if I'm talking about a man, it's alumnus. And if I'm talking about. Okay, we'll see what you're talking about. A man. You got an alumnus. A woman is an alumna. Right. Two men are a mixed group, is like alumni. And two women or multiple women is alumnae. And the word alum is not based in any reality. Conventional wisdom says. Now if you're using it to express gender neutrality in a modern way, that's fine. But you have to know all the rules before you break them. That's what Air Supply said in Making Love out of Nothing at All. I know all the rules written by Jim Steinman, who, of course was an author, famous songwriter. He would act through his muses. He couldn't sing himself, Jim Simon. So he got Meatloaf, he got Celine Dion, he even got Air Supply, who I believe Max Weinberg played with air supply in 1966.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do me a favor. Go back, go visit the dinosaurs. That's my request. Go back and visit the dinosaurs and just sort of stand around and see what happens, okay? And if you get stomped or crushed, that's just what happens.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're an alumnus of Harvard University, okay?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I'm an alumnus of. We going to say it correctly or not?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't know what that was.

[Conan O'Brien]

If you're going to say it, just say it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, you gave a great speech at Dartmouth College.

[Conan O'Brien]

Nope, I gave a great speech. It Dratmuth Kalish.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And you may remember the success of your speech, but I remember some of the events that happened surrounding that. There were dinners.

[Conan O'Brien]

They came with me when I came.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes, there were dinners with alumni of that school who have gone on to achieve greatness. Captains of industry, CEOs of major company, who I hold on customer service with service with for 45 minutes were coming up and giving me their business card. And all these people respected and revered you. They wanted to talk to you. They wanted to meet you. Because absent the ability to intimately know somebody, people use certain classicative data to assess you as a person. They know what your education is. They know some of the facts that you know. I know you on an intimate level. I know what they don't. So while these captains of industry were coming up and respecting you and talking to you, and they had their tweed jackets. And you probably had some tweed jacket as well, because that's the role you play when you go to an Ivy League school. Yeah, we're all playing characters.

[Conan O'Brien]

I also had a falcon on my shoulder.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. So they're coming up and talking to. I know the real you. I know that you're an animal. I know that you're. You were eating hot dogs, you're eating Big Macs in your spare time, and then you get all dressed up and cleaned up, and you talk intelligently to these academics. But I know the real you behind the curtain. That's all I'm saying.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, if an animal is someone who eats fast food, then call me an animal and call most Americans an animal. I love the United States of America. I really do love this country. And for you to attack it that way, I think, is not just scandalous, but treasonous.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're so thinking in your head as they're talking to you. You're thinking, yes, they respect me. Yes, I am respectable and sophisticated. And then you go home and you shove your face with your crackers or what? Your crackers of different seed oils or industrial oils. The wheels just came off the wheels. And you're eating Ritz in your hotel room at Dartmouth, weeping in the corner in your tighty whities. AI, I just gave this speech. These people respected. I'm an academic. I'm wearing this tweed jacket. I know you're an animal.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're whimpering in the corner, eating Ritz.

[Conan O'Brien]

We're ending it here. You know, you've had. You've had a complete breakdown today. And I can tell, always, because you get a fiendish look on your eyes. Your eyes arch up. You start, that's my face.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's the face I have.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, no.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No talking about my physical condition.

[Conan O'Brien]

You. And then you lost your mind. You started spiraling on the word cracker and you lost it. You flamed out. And now a bunch of men are rushing up to you and pouring foam over you so that you don't burn to death. Jordan, this was a great episode. It was a great episode because you came out of the gate hot, and then you ended up in this spectacular explosion. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for anyone who's in your life, but I also love you. And when I say I love you, I'm lying. It's just not true. Anyway, this has been episode two of the Conan and Jordan Show, I think, one of the most fascinating shows in the history of any medium. It's unrehearsed. We never know what we're going to talk about, and we just. Why don't we just play with this spinning top that is Jordan Schlansky?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Medium comes from the Latin medium, singular, media, or media being the plural.

[Carl]

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[Unknown]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

Cheers.