
On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, a spirited discussion about walking posture turns into an unexpected debate about water connoisseurship, with a dash of Austrian travel memories thrown in.
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Conan O'Brien
Foreign.
Jordan Schlansky
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Conan O'Brien
Today's Tom Sawyer Mean Fry.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay. If you've heard that annoying song, it means that you're listening. Welcome to the Conan and Jordan Show. I'm Conan o'. Brien. I'm joined by Jordan Schlansky. We chose that song, Jordan, because it's your favorite group and maybe your favorite song by that group.
Conan O'Brien
Not necessarily, but it is an excellent song. Maybe their archetypal song.
Jordan Schlansky
Yeah.
Conan O'Brien
Why did you have to glance at the logo that said the Conan O. Jordan show when you said the name of the show? Do you forget the name of the show?
Jordan Schlansky
You didn't know it either. If you play that back, you just said Conan O. Jordan Show. Is it so you don't know it either? Maybe you should look at the screen next to it. Time.
Conan O'Brien
All right.
Jordan Schlansky
You know.
Conan O'Brien
All right.
Jordan Schlansky
If you're going to call me on the title of the show, sure. You better have it.
Conan O'Brien
Right. Right.
Jordan Schlansky
I looked at it because sometimes I need confirmation that I agreed to do this.
Conan O'Brien
I see.
Jordan Schlansky
And there it is.
Conan O'Brien
Okay.
Jordan Schlansky
And it's got a lot of your favorite things. A Vespa.
Conan O'Brien
I. I can't even identify some of them.
Jordan Schlansky
I understand. The pizza, the wine, the grapes, the Vespa.
Conan O'Brien
Is that a lemon behind the meatballs? What's the yellow.
Jordan Schlansky
Those are me. I didn't know what those were. That looks like.
Conan O'Brien
That looks like chicken.
Jordan Schlansky
That looks like General Chow's chicken.
Conan O'Brien
That's what I thought it was.
Jordan Schlansky
And I thought, I know. You love general chocolate.
Conan O'Brien
I think so. I think Frank told me it was meatballs, but I still don't know. Is that a lemon coming from behind the meatball?
Sona
I honestly don't know what that is.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay.
Sona
I never had the grass.
Jordan Schlansky
I think it's a gooma. Jordan?
Conan O'Brien
Yes.
Jordan Schlansky
People, I don't want to say they enjoy our chemistry, okay? There's no proof that that's the case.
Conan O'Brien
Right.
Jordan Schlansky
But we do have a chemical reaction between us, which is quite unusual. I've never had a relationship with anyone in my entire life. I've met kings, queens, courtesans. I've never met anybody quite like you. You're an unusual fellow. We fight, we bicker. But I think beneath it all, we really do hate each other. And there's no other show like this, okay? People love our interactions. Whenever I walk around in the world, people say, hey, where's Jordan? How's he doing? Is he for real? That's one I get a lot. Is he for real? And I'm not sure. You might be a hallucination. This could be like the end of Fight Club where I realized you never existed. Or maybe I don't exist and you're imagining me. It's one of those things. It's a real mind blower. One of us is imagining the other. Or maybe neither of us is imagining no one. Anyway, that was a lot of what we call filler in the business.
Sona
He has a clip. Jordan brought a clip with him today.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay. You brought a clip?
Conan O'Brien
I did.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. I spotted a paparazzo video of you. You are, in fact, an A list celebrity. And from time to time, you think I'm A list. Yeah. From time to time, you're confronted by paparazzi out in the world. And I saw this one a while ago. And you're in New York City walking by what I assume might be Central park south, somewhere in the vicinity of Central Park.
Jordan Schlansky
That is Central Park South.
Conan O'Brien
Central Park South, 59th street, for those that are unfamiliar. You see this paparazzo standing there.
Jordan Schlansky
Paparazzi.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. And you know, in that moment, you're not. He does not even asking you a question. The question becomes in your mind, what do you do? How do you handle? How do you react? And the way I interpret it is you make a conscious decision. Okay, I see this paparazzo. There Nothing new must happen frequently. I'm just gonna continue walking, going about my day, do my thing. Right, but your brain is very conscious of the fact that now you're deliberately walking with purpose. Now listen, you're a man with good posture. I myself am not. And I've always appreciated that about you. You stand very erect, okay? Now a lot of taller people have a problem with good posture because they feel insecure about their height and they're even subconsciously trying to shrink down a bit. But you own it. I've always appreciated that. Now, in this particular moment, and I've seen you walk many times over many years in this particular moment, I'm convinced that your mind is so deliberate about. I'm going to walk confidently. You pass the camera, you start, you're coming at him and you pass. And then there's a shot of your ass walking away and your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side because you're, you're walking with such purpose. Now listen, you have a high rider. You always have your ass. If one were to categorize different asses, they do fall into general. Everyone has a unique ass. I'm not trying to diminish anybody's uniqueness, but what I'm saying is there are general categories. And yours is, you'll call your ass flat. But to me, the flat flatness is not the most significant characteristic. You have a high rider, it rides high up on your legs and that has a very specific look. And when you're walking away from this man's camera with such confidence, such deliberate comments, your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side. It's a saunter. It is the perfect representation of a saunter. And in that moment, I don't know if you were feeling a sexuality in you, in your confidence, but I'm telling you, your ass and your pants are very form fitting as well. I remember the days when as a tall man, you found it hard to buy jeans that were long enough. And, and then you found a guy to start custom making your jeans. And your pants are so well fitted now, they're really hugging those ass cheeks. And, and I just think it's remarkable. I think we should acknowledge your a, the behavior of your ass as you're walking away from camera in this paparazzo video.
Jordan Schlansky
Would you like to that to go on any longer before I interrupt you or are you done?
Conan O'Brien
I said what I needed to say.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay. I don't recall this in general. It looks like it's springtime, maybe fall.
Conan O'Brien
Who can say maybe about 49 weeks ago. Somewhere around May 17, 2024.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay. I'm guessing there's a date on this. Yeah. And we live in an era now where people have cameras out all the time. They have. There's paparazzo cameras, but there's also just people with iPhones. Whatever. So you get less self conscious about it over time, I think. I don't think I'm that much affected by this person.
Conan O'Brien
You're saying you would be walking, like. Again, you haven't seen this footage.
Jordan Schlansky
Oh, but I know how I walk. I walk. Here's what I'll tell you. You've walked with me. I walk very quickly. I walk with purpose. I do have very good posture. None other than Steve Martin once in a note to me, talked to me about my posture.
Conan O'Brien
Fascinating.
Jordan Schlansky
And pointed out that my posture was so good that it distracted him from whatever I was saying, meaning that he thought my posture was much more impressive than my comedy. Uh, and I do think it's possible that I'm trying to. This is my way of coming on to whoever's photographing me, that maybe I'm putting a little English on the ass.
Conan O'Brien
I think you were. I've never seen your ass move like this. And I've seen your ass move many times.
Jordan Schlansky
And you're. You're. You keep an eye on my ass.
Conan O'Brien
It presents itself to me. I'm not looking for it and I'm not looking away from it.
Jordan Schlansky
My ass presents itself.
Conan O'Brien
Yes. It presents itself to me in certain situations. I never expected to, but sometimes there it is. Like I say, I don't turn my core away if it falls into my field of vision. If I'm looking this way and your ass moves there, I'm not gonna look away from it.
Jordan Schlansky
You're saying, much like a baboon, I use my ass to attract you.
Conan O'Brien
You know what? A baboon is a perfect, perfect analogy. Yes.
Jordan Schlansky
And a baboon.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
When a baboon's ass becomes quite red, they present it.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
And presenting the ass is maybe the most primordial form of.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Of a sexual. Come on.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. I honestly don't think you meant to be sexual, but I've never seen your ass move like this. And I know you were working. You were walking with a determined sense of confidence. And. And it. It manifested in your ass cheeks gyrating from left to right.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay.
Sona
Should we look at it?
Conan O'Brien
Roll the tape.
Jordan Schlansky
Sure. How's it going? Good to see you. Yeah, good to see you too. I don't see a Lot of gyrating going on there.
Conan O'Brien
Do you see how, like, there is a. See, there are two diagonal creases, primary diagonal creases.
Jordan Schlansky
Eduardo, do you want to check. Do you see a lot of undulation of ass? I don't know what to say. You can say whatever. Do you see a normal person walking? Yeah, I don't see. I don't see what you see.
Conan O'Brien
Okay, so there are two diagonal creases, primary diagonal creases in the pants. And as you walk.
Jordan Schlansky
You know what this is? This is the Zapruder film. I would have to see the opposite of that to be able to compare.
Conan O'Brien
Can I say something? By the very control.
Jordan Schlansky
This is the Zapruder film. Meaning a lone assassin theorist like myself looks at it and goes, yeah, that's Oswald getting off three shots and two of them hit. Yeah, but you show the exact same footage to a conspiracy theorist, and they see 15 gunshots and people with arrows and parachutists and all kinds of stuff. I, I, I don't know how not to walk like that. You know, I don't know how to. For that not to happen.
Conan O'Brien
Right.
Jordan Schlansky
For one buttock not to be moving independently of the other, you would have to sew my buttocks shut and I would have to be on some kind of electric scooter where my legs are immobile. Yeah, that's the only way you could achieve the non undulation. Yeah, that's the only way that could happen.
Conan O'Brien
I have confidence in my observational skills, and I'm familiar. I don't. With your ass.
Jordan Schlansky
I don't. Okay, you say you're familiar with my ass.
Conan O'Brien
Obviously, something jumped out at me about this particular way your ass was moving. I immediately sent it to Frank.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay, I'm going to stand. Okay, you can take the headphones off. Well, I want to keep them on just so I can hear.
Conan O'Brien
All right, this is me wearing. So, yeah. All right.
Jordan Schlansky
So I'm walking.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. Now you have Mike. That's what I'm talking about. You see, I didn't see the. You see these two diagonal creases right here? And they have. I didn't see that until you started sticking your ass out right now, when you first started doing it, I just saw a big blob of fabric.
Jordan Schlansky
Was this an excuse to touch me? You didn't need to touch me. You just touched my back of my hands.
Conan O'Brien
That's how they do it at the tsa. That's not. That doesn't count. The front of the hands counts. The back of the hand doesn't Count.
Jordan Schlansky
Look at his maniacal puss. Look at his maniacal pussy. Whenever you start to lose it back in the crazy eyes. Now you get crazy eyes. Oh. So you go on a subway and you take the bags of your hand.
Conan O'Brien
I'm not.
Jordan Schlansky
And you touch women's asses and then say, hey, tsa, tsa, TSA in the usa.
Conan O'Brien
I am telling you it is very asexual to touch anything with the back of your hand. That's not true.
Jordan Schlansky
I think some of the most erotic moments of my life have been with the back of my hands.
Conan O'Brien
What are you talking about? How would you ever. How would you ever in a sexual situation use the back of your hand?
Jordan Schlansky
What are you talking about? The back of my hands? All the time. It's counterintuitive.
Conan O'Brien
It's completely.
Jordan Schlansky
You haven't done that?
Conan O'Brien
No. There's nothing you can do to anything.
Jordan Schlansky
It's called painting the house. What you do is you brush the woman. Or I'm gonna say, listen, we live in a culture where it could be a woman, a guy on guy, whatever. It doesn't matter to be woman on woman. You know what I'm saying is I have often used that motion. I've often used the back of my hand.
Conan O'Brien
The difference between the front of the hand and the back of the hand is immense.
Jordan Schlansky
Not true.
Conan O'Brien
It's not.
Jordan Schlansky
That's not true. It's not subtle old wives tale. There's more nerve endings on the back of your head. And guess what?
Conan O'Brien
You know, it's psychological.
Jordan Schlansky
The most erogenous zone. And this is a true fact. It was in Men's Health three months ago. Look it up.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Ryan Reynolds is on the COVID Is the back of the hand and the knuckles are the most erogenous zone on the body. More so than any other part of the body. True story.
Conan O'Brien
Can you imagine if you were gifted a sexual experience with someone you. You were incredibly attracted to?
Jordan Schlansky
Bridget Bardot, 1958.
Conan O'Brien
1958. But the rule was she could only use the back.
Jordan Schlansky
That would be my request. That would be the. That would be my request.
Conan O'Brien
You cannot do anything, anything you want with the back of your hands.
Jordan Schlansky
My request.
Conan O'Brien
What a horrible, frustrating way to leave somebody hanging.
Jordan Schlansky
That's not true.
Conan O'Brien
What are you talking about?
Jordan Schlansky
You've never even tried it. No. You haven't tried it.
Conan O'Brien
Of course I haven't tried it.
Jordan Schlansky
How do you know what you're talking about? You're missing out on some things. You just. Sexual is using the erogenous zone. The primary erogenous zones of the Body are the left and right back of hands. And do you know that the knuckles. The knuckles were thought of by the Greeks as the center of eroticism.
Conan O'Brien
Do you know what ruined orgasms are? Do you know this sexual genre?
Jordan Schlansky
What's it called?
Conan O'Brien
Ruined. Ruined Orgasms.
Jordan Schlansky
Do you mean ruined?
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, ruined.
Jordan Schlansky
You just said ruined.
Conan O'Brien
That's the same thing.
Jordan Schlansky
Are you losing your mind? Look at your eyebrows.
Conan O'Brien
Forget about ruined.
Jordan Schlansky
Hey, Riddler, your eyebrows are going off the charts.
Conan O'Brien
Listen to me. Do you know what ruins orgasms? It's a sexual fetish. Do you understand? It's when you. It's when I want to say this in a tasteful way. When someone is going to have an orgasm.
Jordan Schlansky
Yeah, but someone's about to.
Conan O'Brien
But at the critical moment, the sexual stimulation stops.
Jordan Schlansky
Yes.
Conan O'Brien
Now it's too late to stop the orgasm. But you're not enjoying the orgasm. But people love that. To me.
Jordan Schlansky
What do you mean they love it? Who loves it?
Conan O'Brien
I'm saying people are into deviant. Deviant.
Jordan Schlansky
Can I say it the correct way?
Conan O'Brien
Ruin ruins orgasm.
Jordan Schlansky
Is that a New York thing? When you say ruin. Ruined.
Conan O'Brien
I don't know. That's the way I say it. Ruins.
Sona
I've never said ruined. As I'm from New York.
Conan O'Brien
I have a problem. But what I'm saying is. What I'm saying is that to me is another untapped sexual genre of you can be with anyone you want. You can do anything you want. Like a woman says, take me. Do whatever you want, but only use the back of your hand. Yeah, that's incredibly frustrating. That's like you ruined the experience.
Jordan Schlansky
Well, I more think you ruined it. But I disagree with you. And I think you're berating something you haven't tried. And I suggest that you go home tonight, talk about it with your wife and say that you want to paint the barn. And that's called. That's using the back of the hands. And just try it. But I don't see you've read into this Conan paparazzi footage of me walking and it's nonsense, it's nonsensical. And I think I'm glad that Eduardo spoke up. There's no there there. You're seeing. You're lost in a mystical world of my ass. And you've. And you can't find your way out. Seeing things that aren't there.
Conan O'Brien
Like any great piece of media or art, we're all allowed our own interpretations. Eduardo. I appreciate the way he sees it. I appreciate the way I see it.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay. If you ever touch me again, with front or back of hands, I'll pound you.
Conan O'Brien
Understand? Yes.
Jordan Schlansky
I'll pound your face to clay.
Conan O'Brien
Understood?
Jordan Schlansky
Okay.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Never do that. Or you ask first. With the tsa, it's understood that this is going to happen.
Conan O'Brien
How would I have asked?
Jordan Schlansky
You would have said, may I now touch you?
Conan O'Brien
Okay.
Jordan Schlansky
And I've said no.
Conan O'Brien
Okay. I should have said that. Yeah. I don't disagree.
Jordan Schlansky
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Conan O'Brien
Sona?
Jordan Schlansky
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Conan O'Brien
Yes.
Jordan Schlansky
And we are be three episodes. And you are a part of that journey. People love the fans love it when you come along and make an appearance. We went to Austria together.
Conan O'Brien
Yes.
Jordan Schlansky
This is gonna be seen by people. I don't know exactly when this drops, but I'm assuming it's out. Cause it's coming out very soon and people can watch it. It was a lot of Fun. Did you enjoy Austria?
Conan O'Brien
Yes, I love.
Jordan Schlansky
Do you call it Austria? Do you call it Austerlit.
Conan O'Brien
Oesterreich.
Jordan Schlansky
Pardon me?
Conan O'Brien
Oesterreich.
Jordan Schlansky
You okay?
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Gesundheit.
Conan O'Brien
Thank you. I did. I had a great time. You and I had many moments, even off camera. I do believe that these experiences bring two human souls closer together. They give us. They put us in a situation where we flourish long after the trip has ended.
Jordan Schlansky
Yeah. It's funny how you always need to point out that we are human beings. That's just wasted verbiage. That's packing peanuts.
Conan O'Brien
Well, it's perspective. I like to give perspective. And I speak the way I speak. You may not understand all my motivations, but they are very deliberate. I like to paint a picture. We are looking down on ourselves in that moment. We are human beings.
Jordan Schlansky
Trust me, I am looking down on you right now.
Conan O'Brien
Okay.
Jordan Schlansky
Jordan. We went to Vienna.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
I had not been to Vienna before. What a beautiful city. Incredible. And you're a man of many tastes. You appreciate different cultures and Vienna. I saw you really come alive in Vienna.
Conan O'Brien
Oh, yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
And I wish I hadn't, but I did. You were. You love your Wiener schnitzel.
Conan O'Brien
Yes, I do.
Jordan Schlansky
And you had Wiener schnitzel every night.
Conan O'Brien
I did, yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
And you wanted to try the Wiener schnitzel in every restaurant.
Conan O'Brien
That's right.
Jordan Schlansky
It is a. I don't know how else to say it. It's a chicken McNugget. It's a chicken McNugget that's been pounded a little flatter.
Conan O'Brien
It's neither chicken nor a nugget.
Jordan Schlansky
It is basically a breaded piece of white meat. Whether it's veal or chicken. They make both.
Conan O'Brien
I'll allow it.
Jordan Schlansky
But thank you, your honor. Yeah, appreciate it. But it was quite good. But I found that by, like, night three, I was yearning for anything.
Conan O'Brien
You were. This is no exaggeration.
Jordan Schlansky
And you kept saying. The waiter would come and you would say, I'll have your Wiener schnitzel, sir. And they would say, yahoo. They'd click their heels. And I was just like, give me anything else.
Conan O'Brien
At this point, you are 100% correct. And I would have thought that fried meat is right up your alley.
Jordan Schlansky
It is.
Conan O'Brien
It was for a day or two.
Jordan Schlansky
No, for three days in a row. And, like, by the fourth day.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
I wanted someone to use that device. That's in no country for Old men.
Conan O'Brien
Oh, yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
That Javier Bardem has. That puts a bolt in your brain.
Conan O'Brien
Right?
Jordan Schlansky
I was done.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
I was done with it. They also. Not a lot of vegetables.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, that's correct. Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
What happened with the vegetables? Did they. Did the vegetables flee Germany at some point?
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. Well, they. What they consider to be vegetables are potatoes, which, of course is a starchy vegetable. Doesn't give me the fiber I'm looking for. I'm deliberately looking for fiber.
Jordan Schlansky
You talk about this a lot. Fiber is important to you.
Conan O'Brien
It's incredibly important. There's a food. To me, the secret to eating healthy is combining foods. It's not what you eat, it's what you eat together.
Jordan Schlansky
Ah.
Conan O'Brien
Okay. So for me, there are three components of every meal and every snack.
Jordan Schlansky
I'm going to pretend to find this interesting. Yes, go ahead, please.
Conan O'Brien
Protein, carbohydrates, and fiber.
Jordan Schlansky
Wow. This is some new theory you've come up with.
Conan O'Brien
This is the way I live my life. Yeah, that's the way I live my life. No, that's absolutely not everything. That means you're going to have a meat, you're going to have a starch, a meter, a fish, a starch, and then a vegetable. And the vegetable is where I found it. Challenged in. Yeah, Oesterreich.
Jordan Schlansky
I think we get a little spoiled here in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, we have an abundance, if you will, fruits, oranges. I mean, anything you want.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
It's at your nearest Whole Foods.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
There. Am I correct?
Conan O'Brien
Well, I've traveled the world and you have to understand, too.
Jordan Schlansky
That didn't sound pompous at all.
Conan O'Brien
No, no. I have traveled the world, and I'm not only coming from a frame of reference of Los Angeles. I realize that there are many cultures, they all eat differently. But you have to remember Austria, while Vienna is not in the mountains per se, Austria is a mountainous culture, and food of the mountains is typically meat and potatoes. It doesn't surprise me.
Jordan Schlansky
So you get your fiber. So things are regular. Things move along the trains.
Conan O'Brien
One of many reasons to include fiber. Not the only reason.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay. You said something interesting to me.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
You watched me when we were getting on the plane, I think maybe coming back from Austria, and you said to me, this is true, everybody. You walked up to me and you said, I watch you. Do you remember this?
Conan O'Brien
I'm surprised you remember it.
Jordan Schlansky
But you said, I watch you. I put my stuff in the overhead compartment, click it shut. I take my book out and my laptop and my journal and put it down and then sit down, and you came up to me and you said, I watch you. I watch your. You said your motions and your movements.
Conan O'Brien
Yes.
Jordan Schlansky
And then you had a Point. What was the point?
Conan O'Brien
The point was. Well, there's even a larger point which I've never expressed to you.
Jordan Schlansky
But you said that I move with great.
Conan O'Brien
With grace. You move with grace and dignity.
Jordan Schlansky
He said this to me. He walked up to me and literally people around me are opening little bags of peanuts or asking for the. And everyone. People were listening to this guy come up to me and you know, obviously I was. I hate to say obviously, but kindly. HBO Max had flown me first class. I believe you were down where the wheel well of the plane was and you climbed up through a hatch. They wouldn't even let you in. Economy sure that you've been just clinging to the wheel well. Cause when they retract the wheel, sometimes you fall out into the ocean, but you've been rescued. But anyway, you came up to me and you said, I watch you. So you had been watching me and you thought that my movements were beautiful.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. I admire you. I go through phases in my life where I get really into something and then it kind of passes and then maybe a few years later, Rush is like that sometimes. I'm listening to Rush all the time and I, I'm obsessed and I start watching videos and then a few years go by and I don't listen. Same thing with my feelings about you. Sometimes I'm indifferent and there'll be a year or two where I'm completely indifferent. And then there are some times where I really feel a deep, intense admiration for you. And I don't know if it's saying more about you in that moment or me in that moment, but this is one of those moments and I'm in the midst of it right now where I just admire you for so many reasons. You've had many career based successes, even in the past year especially. But through it all you've maintained this grace and dignity and approachability that is just astounding to see. And I watch you when we get separated a bit, I watch you interact with other people and it's just stunning to me. And I'm proud to know you. I'm. I find myself inspired by and I feel like I can learn a lot, not from necessarily what you say, but just how you conduct yourself. It's great to have someone like that in your life.
Jordan Schlansky
First of all, I do appreciate you saying that, but I remembered you specifically honing in on.
Conan O'Brien
Is this boring? You. You want to get to something? You're.
Jordan Schlansky
No, no, no.
Conan O'Brien
First of all, I just exposed myself and you're like, okay, that's great. First of all tell me what. I want to know, what.
Jordan Schlansky
I've took in, what you said, and I appreciate it. But what I want to hone in on is it almost felt like you had watched me just. You said, humility.
Conan O'Brien
Yes.
Jordan Schlansky
And that you had just watched me put my stuff in the overhead compartment. And I thought, that's it. I just put some stuff in an overhead compartment. And you were talking like you had seen Gandhi bathe the feet of a leper. And I thought, I appreciate all of this. I really do, Jordan. And we've been together a long time, and I appreciate you saying that, and I do take it in. But I thought it was, I'm sitting down in this nice airplane seat, and I just put my stuff in the overhead compartment, and you talk to me as if Christ had just raised Lazarus.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
And that felt, I have to say, a little out of place.
Conan O'Brien
Okay, I understand you think like that, but what I'm saying is, yes, you put your bag in the overhead compartment. You sat. You had a window seat. You had your glasses on, and your hair was all messy and frazzled, and you leaned your head against the window. I think someone said something to you, and you responded very politely. And I. And I remember just thinking like. And I have thoughts. I have deep thoughts in my head. Chaotic thoughts.
Jordan Schlansky
Anyone who says I have deep thoughts doesn't have deep thoughts. Right. So what I'm saying is, Einstein didn't go around saying, I have deep thoughts. Yeah, people, real thinkers, don't tell people I'm thinking, well, guess what?
Conan O'Brien
I'm a thinker. And I'm telling you that I'm a thinker. Okay? So there. I broke the mold. But listen, what I'm saying.
Jordan Schlansky
Look at the eye. What I'm saying is, if you can see the video, when you lose it, your eyebrows become losing anything.
Conan O'Brien
I found it. I found it. Okay, maybe you have it backwards. When I find it, my eyebrows react accordingly. So I witnessed you and I admired you in that moment, and I felt that I needed to tell you, even though I understand that to a normal human being, these kinds of don't.
Jordan Schlansky
Normal human being and gesture to me.
Conan O'Brien
These kinds of stuff are a normal.
Jordan Schlansky
Eduardo, am I a normal human being in any way? No. No. There's never been anybody like me.
Conan O'Brien
No, you're a guy.
Jordan Schlansky
Where's your grace and humility?
Conan O'Brien
Now you're a guy that would. You know how I know you're a normal human being? Because you would do well in. Do you know what the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel is?
Jordan Schlansky
I don't Know what's happening.
Conan O'Brien
Do you know the Jennifer Hudson, she has a show and when the guests go to the show, the entire staff is like cheering and dancing as they walk through the hallway. And they dance too. And it shows what kind of person, what kind of brain you're dealing with. Because some people flourish in those environments. They're dancing and they're moving and they're so natural. And then some people walk through completely awkwardly. And that would be. I would be the second, but you would be the first. You would like, embrace it.
Jordan Schlansky
I don't know that I'm ready for.
Conan O'Brien
The Jennifer Hudson the spirit tunnel.
Jordan Schlansky
No, I don't.
Conan O'Brien
You would do well. And some people. It's a little cringeworthy to watch and look. So this is the get.
Jordan Schlansky
The guests have to walk through this.
Conan O'Brien
The guests to get to the studio and they put it on social media. It's all.
Jordan Schlansky
I've not been asked to be on Jennifer Hudson's show and I like Jennifer Hudson, I admire her. But I don't think I could ever walk through a tunnel of people cheering me on.
Conan O'Brien
It's a barometer for what kind of brains does this person have? How comfortable comfortable are they in their own skin? You are very comfortable in your own skin.
Jordan Schlansky
But I think, I don't think I'd be comfortable in the Jennifer.
Conan O'Brien
I think you'd be very comfortable.
Jordan Schlansky
Yeah. Show me the, show me the Eduardo. Thank you. Let's put up Kevin Hart.
Conan O'Brien
Okay. Yeah, he'll be a good one.
Jordan Schlansky
Well, if anyone was built for the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel, it's Jennifer. It's Kevin Hart.
Conan O'Brien
I like it.
Jordan Schlansky
Oh, I see.
Conan O'Brien
Now you can. How you can handle it however you want. People do different things. So you would do. Well, you were probably already envisioning how you'd handle it. And I would do horribly.
Jordan Schlansky
This is the staff.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, this is the staff. And they write a song that I think has significance to that particular person.
Jordan Schlansky
Hey, you know what's interesting is there how does she have any time to interview people? This is incredible. This is, this is 45 minutes and it's still going. Wow, that is. That is incredible. I saw Kevin Hart age during that. He had a beard when it was over that he did not have at the beginning. Yeah, I could handle that. Yeah, I could handle that.
Sona
Let's see what it looks like. Conan o'. Brien.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, See, that's it. That's it. That's it.
Jordan Schlansky
Yeah, I do that for a while. Yeah. Yeah. And I do some, I do some push ups. That's how, I guess I would.
Conan O'Brien
You take it to the next level.
Jordan Schlansky
You know what I would do? I would not leave the spirit tunnel.
Conan O'Brien
Right.
Jordan Schlansky
You see how long Kevin Hart did. I would stay in for at least 20 minutes. And they'd be out there. If you don't leave, the staff has to keep going.
Sona
So they go to a commercial break.
Jordan Schlansky
Come back, and I'm still going. And then they'd go to another commercial break. Other guests would be on the Runway. They never, you know, there'd be people there to talk about real things. They'd have, like the secretary of the Interior. They'd have, no, nobody gets on because. And they would keep coming back and trying to get my attention. Say, Conan, you've got to just stop now because, you know, Tina Fey is going to come. Nope, I'm just keep. I just keep going.
Conan O'Brien
Right.
Jordan Schlansky
I just keep moving and grooving.
Conan O'Brien
Right.
Jordan Schlansky
I would use the spirit tunnel and turn it into an eternal hell for the viewer. An eternal hell. Well, Jordan, I do take what you say seriously, and I take it to heart. And you're a nice guy to say those nice things about me. And I think there's room for us to grow in our relationship, and I hope you'll allow that growth to happen.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Thank you. What a warm response.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. I would like to grow with you as well.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay.
Sona
Can I bring up something about Buster?
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Sona
I understand that you were a huge fan of the water.
Jordan Schlansky
Oh, true story.
Conan O'Brien
Oh, yes.
Jordan Schlansky
You requested certain water.
Conan O'Brien
Oh, yes. Flower. So, you know, I'm a. Some people drink water and they think all water is the same. Okay. Fools. I. When I. When I. When I encounter water. Yeah, okay, okay. When I encountered water, every type of water is different. Obviously, the biggest difference would be sparkling versus flat. But even within that, what are the size of water? You can taste differences in 100% mouth feel, taste. And I argue you can taste them, too. If I gave them to you side by side in a vacuum, maybe you can't tell the difference.
Jordan Schlansky
I have. I have to say, I might be a little bit of a dummy when it comes to water. So I know bad water meaning, oh, this is water out of a tap and they put too much chlorine or the pipes are rusty. You know, I know that, but I don't think I know one water from another water. You know your waters?
Conan O'Brien
Well, I. I know what waters I like. So the. One of the most defining characteristics about water is how many total dissolved solids are in them expressed in parts per million, also known as tds. So you've got Your average, like, average, maybe Avion has 150 parts per million TDS. And that's a very comfortable. It doesn't leach your minerals nor does really enhance your body, but. And then you have very, like, waters like Voss, the Norwegian water, which has great packaging and everything like that, but it's got like a very low tds. And then you've got like a Geral Steiner from Germany with a very high tds. You drink a liter of this and you have like a quarter of your day's requirement of calcium. So there's a water in Austria called Vol. And unfortunately it's not imported into the United States. But whenever I go to Austria, to me that's a huge draw to be able to order a Vol. And you had Vol, too, because that's what people drink.
Jordan Schlansky
I don't know. I had some water.
Conan O'Brien
That's what I'm saying.
Jordan Schlansky
That's what it tastes like. Me, I had water and I don't. I did not drop the glass and go, yes, that's right. What is this? I didn't do that.
Conan O'Brien
You know, I watch you drinking it and I think, why am I watching it?
Jordan Schlansky
All of your stories. Are you in a foreigner with your hands in your pants watching me?
Conan O'Brien
That's right.
Jordan Schlansky
What the hell are you doing? You're watching.
Conan O'Brien
My hands were in my pants, but the rest is correct. Yeah, I watch you drinking that wolf flower, and I'm thinking, that jackass, he doesn't even realize what he's drinking. He's just shoveling it down.
Jordan Schlansky
You just saw a donkey at the trough, didn't you?
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, that's what I saw.
Jordan Schlansky
All right, well, let's. Let's. Let's get this going.
Sona
We're going to do a little blind taste.
Jordan Schlansky
I've got. I've got things to do and places.
Conan O'Brien
To go, you know, keeping you.
Jordan Schlansky
No, no, no, not at all. Not at all. All right, would you put this blindfold on and let's see if you can tell your voice flower from your shooting.
Conan O'Brien
Would you like. Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Oh, my God. What a cookie. You cackling chimp. What are you doing to him? Just put his.
Conan O'Brien
I probably don't need the headphones because, again, we're in very close proximity.
Jordan Schlansky
Yeah. Why do we need the headphones? Oh, yeah, keep them on. You're sure you can't see through that? And it's a. Do the honor system. Keep your eyes closed anyway. And why don't you give that a little sip of roof. There's a glass there.
Conan O'Brien
Oh, there it is.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay, okay. And why don't you give that a little sip?
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, perfectly fine. I put it at a TDS of around.
Jordan Schlansky
You realize we don't know what TDS is. You explain it.
Conan O'Brien
I'll just explain it. Yeah. Total expressed in parts per million. Calcium, magnesium, phosphoric acid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put that at like a 234 TDS parts per million. Fine. Perfectly fine. Water. I'd be happy to drink that. Okay.
Jordan Schlansky
Can you identify the water? Oh, try and identify it.
Conan O'Brien
I can't identify it.
Jordan Schlansky
It tastes like water to you, right?
Conan O'Brien
It's somewhere. It's. I expressed what it tastes like. I can't.
Jordan Schlansky
Yeah, it's fine. You said it's fine.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, it's fine.
Sona
Well, that was your favorite water.
Jordan Schlansky
That was my favorite water.
Conan O'Brien
That was.
Jordan Schlansky
No, no. Take off your blindfold.
Conan O'Brien
Okay.
Jordan Schlansky
That was the much vaunted Woslauer.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, but that's the owner. I wanted the Prickland. That's. I wanted the Prickland. You got the ona variety.
Jordan Schlansky
I don't understand what you're talking about. What's the difference?
Conan O'Brien
You fools. You bungled the operation. I like the Prickland. I like the Prickland. You thought you were so clever.
Jordan Schlansky
I thought you liked the Pricklin.
Conan O'Brien
You thought you were so clever. You had half information and you didn't. And you didn't get the right one. The Prickland.
Jordan Schlansky
So this is the Prickland.
Conan O'Brien
No, that's the owner.
Jordan Schlansky
What's the difference between the owner and the Pricklyn?
Conan O'Brien
The Prickland is the sparkling and the Ona is the flat.
Jordan Schlansky
So you wanted.
Conan O'Brien
I wanted the sparkling. I wanted the Prickland.
Jordan Schlansky
You know what? You're an asshole.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
You're just a terrible person.
Conan O'Brien
Right.
Jordan Schlansky
This.
Conan O'Brien
I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this. But if you're gonna do it, do it right.
Jordan Schlansky
I didn't do any of this. I didn't say don't do it all.
Conan O'Brien
Or do it right.
Jordan Schlansky
Who said don't half ass it. But for you to say, you fools. You fools.
Conan O'Brien
You're part of the operation. You're the figurehead of this operation. Everything goes for you.
Sona
That we got from us.
Conan O'Brien
I appreciate. Yeah, but you're trying to ridicule me for not detecting the ridiculing favorite water. Whereas you shouldn't have got the pricklin.
Jordan Schlansky
Down. Down. Down, Rex. Down. What's fascinating to me is that the term you fools, you fools, you fools. You've bungled it. That is reserved for the D Day invasion.
Conan O'Brien
Okay?
Jordan Schlansky
That is reserved for Operation Desert Storm going wrong that is reserved for a major operation for the 1066 invasion of England by the Normans. That's what that's reserved for. You fools. You fools. You've bungled it. Not getting you the incorrect type of Voslauer water. That's not where you say you fools. You fools. Do you understand?
Conan O'Brien
This is my 1066 invasion of England. Okay.
Jordan Schlansky
You went on and on about Voslauer.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
We gave you a blind taste test. You shrugged and said, it's fine.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
So. And then you. And this is after you had described it as the water that Christ walked upon. So you understand that now I'm a little. Yes. It may not be the exact subset of the types of water that you like, but I'm a little suspicious that water means that much to you and that you can tell the difference.
Conan O'Brien
Okay. So I guess I'm the fool now.
Jordan Schlansky
Yes.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Yeah. You're the chimp. You're the chump.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, I have.
Jordan Schlansky
You're the orang.
Conan O'Brien
You see things superficially. To you, all water's the same. But I'm the fool because I understand the chemical composition of water and how it affects the overall experience.
Jordan Schlansky
You just had Wolf Lauer and shrugged. Okay. Acted like you just drank it out of a Chicago ymca.
Conan O'Brien
Sure.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay.
Conan O'Brien
Sure.
Jordan Schlansky
And so I don't understand why you're supposed to be the superior one here.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Apologize.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. If you're trying to make me look like a fool, I think you failed.
Jordan Schlansky
I don't think I made you look like anything. I showed you as who you really are.
Conan O'Brien
Right.
Jordan Schlansky
I showed you who you be and what you be.
Conan O'Brien
I'm impressed that you found the Volslauer, though. I have been impressed. Oh, now you're impressed with the United States. Yeah. I mean, I'm impressed at the mechanics of the operation. If the sentiment of the operation failed, at least the mechanics were there. It was well executed. Poorly conceived. Well executed.
Jordan Schlansky
Look at his eyes.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah.
Jordan Schlansky
Look at his eyes. You have the eyes of a madman. You know that, don't you? The eyes of a predator.
Conan O'Brien
These are my eyes. These are the eyes. Why is it okay to poke fun at somebody's physical appearance? These are my eyes. It's true that the eyes are not often lumped in with the common slights that people are sensitive about physically. Usually it's things like weight.
Jordan Schlansky
I'm not saying they're not height.
Conan O'Brien
In some cases.
Jordan Schlansky
I'm not saying you're unattractive or anything like that. Right.
Conan O'Brien
But eyes is usually. You think that that's safe territory. You think it's okay to poke fun at someone as long as it's just the eyes.
Jordan Schlansky
And your eyes.
Conan O'Brien
Why?
Jordan Schlansky
Do you see it? Do you guys see it?
Conan O'Brien
Why is this not inappropriate?
Jordan Schlansky
Fair? You talked about his ass earlier.
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, but I. I enjoyed your ass. I wasn't criticizing your ass.
Jordan Schlansky
I didn't talk about that.
Conan O'Brien
I didn't say your ass was aesthetically displeasing.
Jordan Schlansky
You zero down on my ass and I'm not allowed about your eyes.
Conan O'Brien
You could talk about my eyes. Complimentary. You're insulting my eyes. I'm just insulting my eyes. Exempt from the normal rules of physically.
Jordan Schlansky
Okay, I need a. This is. I'm so upset now. I need a glass of this wolflauer to calm down. I don't know that this is valuable to anybody. I don't know if anyone's still listening at this point. Sure, if people are listening in a rental car, they've probably veered it sharply to the right and hit an oak tree. They've gone to a better place. I just want to say that once again, this was the Conan and Jordan show and we did our best to bring you my relationship with Jordan Schlansky. It's a strange one. I can't quantify it. I can't qualify it. Those are two Q's. And shout out to Questlove. But we're taking off now. And Jordan, happy journeys to you. Thank you in all you do here.
Conan O'Brien
And to you.
Jordan Schlansky
Have a drink.
Conan O'Brien
Shout out LA from Italy. Naturally carbonated.
Jordan Schlansky
Go ahead.
Conan O'Brien
Sure, it doesn't have the bubble side of the Darrell Steiner, but that's it. Excellent.
Jordan Schlansky
Have a sip.
Conan O'Brien
Delicate, elegant.
Jordan Schlansky
If you could sip, you can't talk.
Sona
The Conan and Jordan show with Conan o' Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced. Produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruse. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the team Coco Hotline 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too can be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan o' Brien Needs a Friend, wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O' Brien radio channel 104 on SiriusXM.
Jordan Schlansky
Adam Pally here and I'm John Gabris. We're a couple actors and best friends.
Conan O'Brien
Who you may know as the host.
Jordan Schlansky
Of the TV show 101 Places to.
D
Party before you die.
Jordan Schlansky
Now we're bringing you a comedic look.
Conan O'Brien
At health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive.
Jordan Schlansky
We'll have guests like our friend actor Jerry O' Connell ketamine therapist Dr. Stephen.
Conan O'Brien
Radowitz Paul Scheer Ego Wodem, Gillian Bell Dr. Dolittle Staying Alive with John Gabrison.
Jordan Schlansky
Adam Pally is out right now.
Conan O'Brien
Get them a week early and ad.
Jordan Schlansky
Free with SiriusXM podcast plus on Apple Podcasts.
D
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Podcast Title: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Host/Author: Team Coco & Earwolf
Episode: The Conan and Jordan Show – Painting The Barn
Release Date: July 11, 2025
In this episode of Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend, Conan O’Brien engages in his unique and humorous conversation with longtime colleague and friend, Jordan Schlansky. The episode, titled Painting The Barn, delves into their intricate dynamics, mutual observations, and shared experiences, all delivered with the trademark wit and banter that fans have come to love.
The episode kicks off with Conan discussing a paparazzi video featuring Jordan walking in Central Park South, 59th Street. Conan meticulously dissects Jordan's posture and gait, highlighting the deliberate and confident manner in which Jordan navigates his environment.
Conan (04:17): “I spotted a paparazzo video of you. You are, in fact, an A-list celebrity.”
Conan (04:37): “Your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side because you're walking with such purpose.”
Jordan humorously counters Conan’s extensive analysis of his walk, expressing skepticism and disbelief at Conan’s detailed observations.
This segment showcases Conan's penchant for over-analyzing mundane events, turning a simple walk into a comedic deep dive into human behavior.
The conversation shifts to recounting their trip to Austria, highlighting the cultural experiences and the impact it had on their relationship.
Jordan expresses his own humorous take on Conan's admiration, maintaining his characteristic stoicism.
Their shared memories of Austria serve as a foundation for exploring the nuances of their friendship, blending genuine sentiment with comedic tension.
A significant portion of the episode delves into their culinary preferences, particularly focusing on Conan’s love for Wiener schnitzel and his meticulous approach to maintaining a balanced diet.
Jordan humorously dismisses Conan's dietary regiment, showcasing their differing approaches to food.
This segment provides insight into Conan's humorous obsession with healthy eating while highlighting Jordan's more laid-back attitude towards diet.
One of the standout moments of the episode is the blind taste test of different types of water, emphasizing Conan's deep appreciation for the nuances in water composition.
Conan (34:20): “One of the most defining characteristics about water is how many total dissolved solids are in them expressed in parts per million, also known as TDS.”
Jordan (38:15): “You fool... You bungled the operation. I like the Pricklin.”
Conan's enthusiasm for sparkling versus flat water leads to a playful confrontation where Jordan teases him for overcomplicating something as simple as water tasting. The chemistry between the two is palpable, blending genuine friendship with light-hearted mockery.
Friendship Dynamics: The episode beautifully captures the complexities of Conan and Jordan's friendship. While Conan openly admires Jordan’s qualities, Jordan maintains his reserved demeanor, creating a dynamic that is both entertaining and endearing.
Humor in Everyday Observations: Conan's ability to find humor in the mundane, such as walking or drinking water, adds a layer of depth to the conversation, making listeners appreciate the subtle intricacies of their interactions.
Cultural Appreciation: Through their discussion of the Austria trip, the episode highlights their mutual respect for each other's backgrounds and preferences, reinforcing the theme of seeking genuine friendship beyond superficial interactions.
Conan (04:37): “Your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side because you're walking with such purpose.”
Jordan (07:05): “Do you see a normal person walking? Yeah, I don't see. I don't see what you see.”
Conan (21:49): “I find myself inspired by and I feel like I can learn a lot... it's great to have someone like that in your life.”
Conan (34:10): “Total expressed in parts per million, also known as TDS.”
Jordan (38:15): “You fools. You fools. You've bungled it.”
The Conan and Jordan Show – Painting The Barn offers a deep dive into the unique friendship between Conan O’Brien and Jordan Schlansky. Through their candid and humorous exchanges, listeners gain insight into their contrasting personalities, mutual respect, and the subtle underpinnings of their bond. The episode masterfully balances genuine admiration with playful teasing, encapsulating the essence of what makes Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend a beloved podcast.
Note: This summary focuses solely on the main content of the episode, excluding advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per the provided instructions.