The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary: "The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
• Host/Author: Team Coco & Earwolf
• Episode: The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
• Release Date: December 13, 2024

Overview: In this episode of "The Conan and Jordan Show," hosts Conan O’Brien and Jordan Schlansky engage in their trademark blend of humor, banter, and insightful discussions. The episode centers around the "Show and Tell" segment, where Jordan introduces a meticulously chosen nose hair trimmer, sparking a deep dive into product quality, personal grooming habits, and the dynamics of their long-standing professional relationship. Additionally, the episode features a guest caller, Stephanie, a licensed psychologist, who provides an external perspective on Conan and Jordan's interactions.

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1. Show and Tell: The Quest for the Perfect Nose Hair Trimmer

Jordan’s Presentation: Jordan Schlansky introduces his prized possession—a high-quality Panasonic nose hair trimmer—from his personal collection dating back over 25 years. He emphasizes his commitment to minimalism and excellence in product selection, detailing his dissatisfaction with inferior models and his dedication to sourcing superior alternatives from Japan.

• Timestamp [19:27]: Jordan Schlansky: "I try to buy very few products in my life. I believe that we can live minimally. But the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality."

Conan’s Reaction: Conan humorously reacts to Jordan's choice, initially mistaking the trimmer for a small vibrator, highlighting the stark contrast between his casual approach and Jordan's meticulous nature.

• Timestamp [20:08]: Conan O’Brien: "So this. Let me explain to the viewer, you've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator."

Detailed Comparison: Jordan critiques the American-made Panasonic ER411, deeming it oversized and aesthetically unpleasing compared to its Japanese counterparts, the ERGN10 and ERGN11. He elaborates on the superior craftsmanship and functionality of the Japanese models, justifying his investment in multiple units despite their higher cost.

• Timestamp [23:05]: Conan O’Brien: "One is silver and one is gray."
• Timestamp [24:32]: Jordan Schlansky: "Look at the beautiful. Just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products."

Humorous Tension: Conan and Jordan engage in a comedic tug-of-war over the value of the trimmers, with Conan attempting to negotiate the price, displaying the playful antagonism that characterizes their interactions.

• Timestamp [27:33]: Conan O’Brien: "I'll give you $200."
• Timestamp [28:00]: Jordan Schlansky: "Okay, which one do you want?"

Technical Insights: Jordan provides technical details about the trimmers, including battery types and maintenance, reinforcing his expertise and dedication to optimal grooming tools.

• Timestamp [30:30]: Jordan Schlansky: "What battery does this take that..."

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2. Dynamics Between Conan and Jordan: A Study in Contrasts

Personality Clash: The episode delves into the contrasting personalities of Conan and Jordan. Conan’s extroverted, spontaneous nature starkly opposes Jordan’s introverted, methodical demeanor, leading to humorous friction and insightful observations about their interactions.

• Timestamp [44:50]: Jordan Schlansky: "Conan has a certain energy. Some may even say polar opposite to My own. He's very extroverted..."

Flight Incident Anecdote: Conan recounts a recent incident on an airplane where he exaggeratedly interacted with Jordan to elicit a reaction, highlighting their difference in social behaviors.

• Timestamp [45:10]: Conan O’Brien: "I saw his face and it was just had no expression. It was lifeless. It was a mask."

Philosophical Exchange: Jordan offers a more philosophical take on their personalities, suggesting that their differences stem from inherent psychological wiring rather than choice, which Conan humorously dismisses.

• Timestamp [43:28]: Stephanie: "That's exactly what I was saying. Yeah."

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3. Guest Segment: Insights from Psychologist Stephanie

Introduction of Stephanie: Stephanie, a licensed psychologist working at a university counseling center, joins the conversation to analyze the interpersonal dynamics between Conan and Jordan. She provides professional insights into their behaviors and the impact of their long-term collaboration.

• Timestamp [35:41]: Conan O’Brien: "Hello, this is Stephanie in Illinois..."

Analyzing Jordan’s Persona: Stephanie examines Jordan’s contentment with himself while acknowledging the external perceptions of his personality. She discusses how Jordan navigates relationships and his efforts to improve those around him.

• Timestamp [39:35]: Jordan Schlansky: "I’m introverted, which I don’t think is any secret."

Impact of Conan’s Behavior: Stephanie addresses how Conan’s extroversion and jovial nature can unintentionally cause distress or frustration for Jordan, who thrives in more controlled and subdued environments.

• Timestamp [42:40]: Stephanie: "His interactions with me sound a lot smoother than his interactions with you."

Conan’s Defense: Conan attempts to incorporate Stephanie's feedback humorously, leading to further banter and light-hearted conflict between him and Jordan.

• Timestamp [43:30]: Jordan Schlansky: "Okay, well, listen, Stephanie has made a very good observation..."

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4. Humor and Resolution: Navigating Professional Relationships

Conan and Jordan’s Banter: Throughout the episode, Conan and Jordan engage in witty exchanges that oscillate between camaraderie and mock antagonism. This dynamic serves both comedic and analytical purposes, illustrating the complexities of their professional relationship.

• Timestamp [48:18]: Conan O’Brien: "Thank you very much, Stephanie. You’re a wonderful person."

Conclusion of the Segment: The episode wraps up the "Show and Tell" segment with Conan reflecting on the insights gained from Stephanie while maintaining his humorous stance towards Jordan’s quirks.

• Timestamp [48:32]: Conan O’Brien: "And that's science. That's real science right there."

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5. Closing Thoughts and Production Credits

Final Remarks: Conan concludes the episode by summarizing the key takeaways—acknowledging the playful conflict and the deeper understanding of their interactions gained through the episode.

• Timestamp [49:29]: Conan O’Brien: "I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things."

Production Credits: The episode ends with standard production credits, acknowledging the team behind the scenes, though these are typically considered non-content sections and thus were omitted from the detailed summary.

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Notable Quotes:

1. Conan O’Brien on Product Preference:

   • [20:08] "So this. Let me explain to the viewer, you've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator."

2. Jordan Schlansky on Minimalism:

   • [19:27] "I try to buy very few products in my life. I believe that we can live minimally."

3. Stephanie on Jordan's Personality:

   • [39:35] "I'm introverted, which I don't think is any secret."

4. Conan on Their Relationship:

   • [46:25] "I usually say we think it's a childhood accident."

5. Jordan on Human Interaction:

   • [42:50] "From listening to the podcast and your other interactions? His interactions with me sound a lot smoother than his interactions with you."

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Conclusion: "The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell" delivers a rich blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and psychological insights, all centered around a seemingly mundane topic—the nose hair trimmer. Through their interactions, Conan and Jordan explore deeper themes of personal preference, professional dynamics, and self-awareness, all while maintaining their signature comedic style. The inclusion of psychologist Stephanie adds an analytical layer, offering listeners a comprehensive understanding of the intricate relationship between the two hosts.

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, FedEx doesn't know your small business yet. Okay. But what FedEx does know is that running a small business is hard enough without the hassle of complex shipping. That's where there's FedEx One Rate. Did you know that with FedEx One Rate, you can ship your holiday packages cheaper than the post Office? What? I hate to root against old Uncle Sam, but go, FedEx, go. You can send packages as low as $14.50 for small boxes. That's cool. Visit fedex.comnerate for details. Exclusion supply valid 10, 6, 24 through 1 19, 25. FedEx one rate. Two day retail shipping. One flat rate. The new Sonic Queso Smasher is now available. You're going to want to try this. They made the Sonic Smasher you love because you do love your Sonic smasher, don't you? Sonic? I love sonic smashes and I love queso. Yeah, well, guess what? They took the Sonic Smasher you love and they added the new Creamy Queso Enhanced Smash Patties made to order. Just makes my brain explode. I just saw your brain explode. And queso came out. The Sonic Queso smash is the perfect combination of Angus Patties, Creamy Queso jalapenos and a Southwest Aoli. Sounds like juicy goodness to me. All that's left to do is choose a double or a triple. Make mine two triples. That's a sex tuplet. The new Sonic Queso Smasher. Live free, eat Sonic.

[Jordan Schlansky]

A modern day warrior mean, mean stride Today's Tom Sawyer mean, mean pride.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, if you're hearing that classic tune means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan Show. And this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with. Well, there's no other better way to say it. My nemesis, my foe. Someone who, over the years, has irritated me to an incredible degree. Mr. Jordan Schlansky.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Hi.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you. Is your microphone on?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not qualified to answer that question.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's not on. It's not on. It's so funny. I just thought, wow, he really has no personality. I couldn't hear you. Try it again. How? Say hi.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Hi.

[Conan O'Brien]

You got to leave that in. It's just too good. Now I hear you and I prefer it the other way. Okay, listen, it's Eduardo. It's not your fault a lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not sorry.

[Conan O'Brien]

We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's here to help us out navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fistfight should break out. That's right. You know, Jordan, how many years have we been together?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Approximately 30.

[Conan O'Brien]

Approximately 30 years. You came to work for me as a very young man and frittered your life away. Sure, you have bilked me incredible amount of money. I don't know what you do. We've never quite figured out what your task was on the old late night show or.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Now did you say I built you money or I've milked you?

[Conan O'Brien]

Bilked, Bilked. B I L, bilked. B I L, K E, D as in Sergeant Bilco, as in bilked him. I took him for a ride, I squeezed him for cash.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So bilked is like milked, not built. I didn't build you money. I didn't build. I didn't help you build an empire.

[Conan O'Brien]

No one said you'd build.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, like the second employee of Apple in 1976 as a multi billionaire because they got in at a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future. They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on one of two shows, but they took the one that was on 13 week renewals. Now, you know, in that situation, like if you look at the tech, the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires. Now I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days. There were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough. And I expect at this point, 30 years later I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine. You've been paid a salary since almost day one. Is there only I can turn him down a bit? The other one on your, on your left thigh. Yeah, it's just a control. It's awful.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, you had another guest in here at the same volume. What was the problem there?

[Conan O'Brien]

That was someone I respected. That was Tracy Ellis Ross. She's fantastic. Your other thigh, why is the button. Why is this.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Goddamn.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, oh. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Said your left thigh.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why did you even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the switch?

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, speaking of Tracee Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap. You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the ph level. You see, liquid soap is often a detergent. Sometimes it's actually a soap, that is to say a saponified fat. But often it's a detergent which has a lower ph closer to that of your skin naturally. The problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, listen, you are referencing a podcast interview.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You referenced it. I supported your.

[Conan O'Brien]

All I mentioned was Tracee Ellis Ross. That previous.

[Jordan Schlansky]

All I mentioned is an aspect of the Tracy Ellis Ross interview.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right. Which no one listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats. Jordan, let's stick to the basics, okay? You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years. I've supported you. I've paid your salary.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I haven't become a multimillionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point, but still stuck with you through thick and thin.

[Conan O'Brien]

So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on Late night with Conan O'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire now?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm saying Steve Jobs, secretary, can buy this entire complex.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I prefer the term. I prefer the term assistant.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you say, hey, stewardess, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts?

[Jordan Schlansky]

At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary. Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, guess what? This is your big reward.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Of all the people who started interning with me way back in, whatever, 1995. 96. I think, as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O'Brien on SXM, so.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Shut up.

[Conan O'Brien]

Shut up. Kind of like a Trumpy voice.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Shut up. You fired.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know that kind of Trump thing. You're fired. Right, right. Isn't that a funny impression? I'm just saying that you're sitting here now.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You are one half of a show that's on sxm, and you should be grateful for that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, I am.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you see other interns that you started with? The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail. You are here with your own show on the Sirius XM dial.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

So just settle down.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

Now, I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan Show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening, because this is a nightmare for me. You mentioned earlier that you had once entered a Guinness contest.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's true.

[Conan O'Brien]

Where you write a limerick.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I wrote a limerick.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm saying you mentioned at the time. And so that's why I was using the past tense. I was talking about what you did do.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And if I was in the process of writing it at this very moment, then you could say you write a limerick. Any other context? I wrote a limerick. Yes. Back in the 90s.

[Conan O'Brien]

I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's beside the point. You, if I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest, and at that time you wrote a limerick.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I did.

[Conan O'Brien]

As part of the contest. You liked your limerick, and I remember thinking that was a pretty good limerick. Do you want to repeat it for us?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, yes. Well, for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick, it's a specific operation.

[Conan O'Brien]

No need.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You can just say it across ire. A young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune. No doubt, as he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness. Hence the lad's pot of gold. Was that stout?

[Conan O'Brien]

That's fine. I think that's very good. I'm serious. That is a very good. You entered it and you did not win. And what was the prize?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I don't remember exactly. I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland. I've never been to Ireland. I'd love to go to Ireland.

[Frank Smiley]

It was actually a pub.

[Conan O'Brien]

A pub?

[Jordan Schlansky]

A pub in Ireland.

[Conan O'Brien]

You get to own a pub.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Even better.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I. Can you imagine owning a pub? I was just there. Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing. Fantastic. Could be a dream. That's like having a, you know, an Airbnb on the water in Maine. That's just like a quintessential wonderful experience. You entered and you did not win, is that correct?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I was never notified about any development one way or the other.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I have the information here.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And the winner, the 1996. That's when you entered somewhere around there. Guinness Essay Contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington. I don't know Friday Harbor. Of course, My wife is from Washington.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Of course.

[Frank Smiley]

I think near the San Juan Islands.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, the San Juan Islands, of which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my bride.

[Jordan Schlansky]

A great wine in Washington State, by the way.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator. She won. She entered the contest and she won the Shonake Pub in County Clare. She won a pub.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, well, there's a picture of it.

[Conan O'Brien]

There she is. Oh, yeah, she won the contest that you failed to win. And 55,000 people in the United States entered the contest and she won.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Frank Smiley]

By the way, you didn't need to write a limerick. The, the contest was actually 50 words or less.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year. Nevertheless, I believe there was an essay one year and maybe a limerick. There was definitely a limerick involved.

[Frank Smiley]

Well, you chose to write a limerick. I spoke to the people at Guinness and they informed me that it was.

[Conan O'Brien]

It was your choice to do a limerick and that and a limerick was not required.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Listen to me, there's a marketing team at Guinness. I'm sure there are a bunch of 30 somethings and they get wind of this and they talk to each other. Is this true? Is this true? Well, ask Ron. He's the old time around here. He was back here in the 90s. And they go to Ron and Ron's, you know, kind of moved up the ladder a little bit, but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire. So they asked Ron, was there a thing? And he's like, yeah, there's something about an essay. And they look up the essay, and maybe the essay was 96 and mine was 95. Jordan, I would never choose to write a limerick if I could have written an essay. I don't want to be confined.

[Frank Smiley]

You confuse it. You're not remembering correctly, which is probably a problem you have in there.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Listen to me. There was a contest for a limerick. It was specifically a limerick. So I look like someone that would just decide to write a limerick, Frank.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, first of all, you look like a lot of things, and, and it's all encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this and you've talked to Guinness and they said that the, the, the contest that Jordan entered, it did not have to be a limerick.

[Frank Smiley]

No. 50 words or less. Guinness is.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, Guinness is. And you decided to write a limerick.

[Jordan Schlansky]

My limerick had nothing to do with Guinnesses. I'm telling you, these were two separate contests. They had a thing. They went through a period where like every year they had a contest and there was a prize. Nevertheless, it's the same. It's the same intent. You write, you use your creative literary skills to yell.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're yelling. You're yelling.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay?

[Conan O'Brien]

You're yelling.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And I want you to understand, I.

[Conan O'Brien]

Want you to take it down a bit.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Not in direct competition with this woman. But we are compatriots. We are counterparts, maybe one year apart.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay? Anyway, Guinness, I'm sure They're going to rescind this once they hear your insane rant. But Guinness did respond to your limerick.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

They got back to us with their own limerick.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh.

[Conan O'Brien]

And here's how it goes. There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious, still upset he didn't win. With 30 years in the bin, Jordan, please accept a pint as forgiveness. And Guinness has sent Guinness over for everyone at Larchmont. That's our company here, to enjoy. And so, Jordan, you didn't win, but I'm getting a free Guinness, which is. Oh, yes. And I don't know why Frank's getting one. What the fuck did he do? Well, it's important.

[Frank Smiley]

I set this up.

[Conan O'Brien]

You did, yeah. By the way, your.

[Frank Smiley]

Your 30 year grudge.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Frank Smiley]

Has actually.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're pouring that wrong, and it's making me crazy. I took a Guinness pouring class, and you're doing that all wrong. It's making me insane. Anyway.

[Frank Smiley]

Anyway.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's okay. That's all right. I don't have a glass because you only look after number one. Oh, you have a glass. You just want to share it with me. That's great. When I said that was all sarcastic. I don't really think it's great.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, I take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it. There are YouTube videos of bartenders kind of trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way. And it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there. Not too little, not too much. Nevertheless, I don't drink myself, but I'm.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not going to touch that line with a 30 foot pole.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I appreciate the sentiment. Even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I just say one thing? You're supposed to am Imagine there's usually a harp on the. On any Guinness glass. And you imagine on the first pour, you get it, you angle it, you hit the side of the glass, and you go up to the harp, and then you wait for the head to settle because these are from cans. It's not quite the same experience, but then you finish it up. And I'll do that in just a minute. Jordan, you didn't win, but we got our free Guinness, which is nice.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I think they just. If I'm not wrong, Guinness. We just talked about Guinness for about 15 minutes, and we were each paid one can of Guinness, which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So I'm getting a trip to Ireland.

[Frank Smiley]

How do you know I haven't been paid off?

[Conan O'Brien]

Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time, because there's going to be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galilee on the coast of Gali Balali. So I wouldn't put anything past him.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

Nice creamy. Oh, my God.

[Frank Smiley]

So how come you're not drinking any guests?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I told you, I don't drink beer. And frankly, while I appreciate the sentiment.

[Conan O'Brien]

I see now why you lost the contest as a beer hater. Well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness known beer hater Jordan Schlansky. Yeah, I once tasted something I hated and then I knew I was faded. And then there's rest, you know, to lose the contest. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. Liking the beer was not a qualification of entry. All I'm saying is, look, I appreciate the sentiment. This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts. I did not get a trip to Ireland. I just certainly did not get a pub in Ireland. I got one can of a beverage that I don't even drink. And in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago, you have, as you mentioned, advertised the product quite extravagantly. Nevertheless, I see four cans of this beverage on the table.

[Conan O'Brien]

In return, I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this. Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this. I didn't know you could win a. We're in a pub. Yeah, that's so cool.

[Frank Smiley]

Sounds a little bit like a headache, though.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not at all. No, no. There's no. Never any problems in an Irish pub. All right, we're going to take a little break.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

We'll come back with more of the Conan and Jordan show and we're going.

[Frank Smiley]

To have show and tell.

[Conan O'Brien]

We're going to have show and tell. Oh, that'll be interesting.

[Frank Smiley]

Show and tell.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, no matter where you're headed this holiday season, the trip goes better with a cup of delicious coffee, doesn't it? It sure does. I need it. That is my real fuel. I know. The car needs its fuel. I need mine. It's the old java, the old cup of mud. And then you drink your coffee. Yeah. Best cup of coffee on the road, for my money. Pilot travel centers. It's just what you need to bring a little joy to the journey this season. And best of all, you can save $1 on coffee now through the end of the year. Here's what you do. Download the My Rewards plus app and save the offer. Come back every week to save $1 off any size coffee all season long. And if you've never been to a Pilot, don't miss their cold brews with options like Brazilian or cinnamon roll. Oh my God, that sounds good. You're bound to discover a new favorite. You can make and customize your coffee just the way you like it. Then get to where you're going for the holidays. So stop in for $1 off coffee when you use the MyRewards plus app at Pilot. Pilot. See you out here. Offers available for a limited time only. Terms and conditions apply. See my rewards + mobile applications for details. Do you like podcast music and audiobooks? Sona? Yes, I do. You like all three, right? All of them? Check this out. When you subscribe to Amazon Music Unlimited, you get all three in one freaking app. That's really convenient. I hate having all kinds of different apps like where's, oh, this app, that app. I get all confused cause I ain't too smart. Yeah. With Amazon Music Unlimited, you can listen to podcast music and the largest catalog of audiobooks from Audible all in one app. Hello? Sign me up. Each month, choose an audiobook with a huge selection of popular titles, including bestsellers, originals and exclusives from Audible. Audible is now included with Amazon Music Unlimited. Download the Amazon Music app now to start listening terms. Apply. Amazon prime is a collection of excellent services. Amazon prime includes Prime Video, Amazon Music, and free same day delivery. All of its services help you make the most of your holidays and enable your traditions to live on. I mean, how do we get along without this new technology, this Amazon? No, if you want to listen to all the holiday music, you could just put it on there. You want to watch holiday movies? Yeah, but. And if you want a gift, what I do to my wife now is I say, see that Click. Get that from me. Why is my voice. I don't know why I talked that way. With Amazon prime, you get next day free delivery. So everything you need arrives just in time. Amazon prime encourages your ability to celebrate the holidays. Prime services don't simply help you get closer to your passions. They help you discover new things to get into. Which is true. It's. It's a wonderful service. Whatever you're into or getting into, trust me, it's on Prime. Sign up for Amazon prime today. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more of whatever you're into. Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co host, Jordan Schlansky. We have a little segment here. This is called Jordan show and Tell, where you. You've brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you and you want to show it to us.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. I was asked to bring in a product that. That I identify with or that I believe in. Now, I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life. I believe that we can live minimally. But the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality. I want them to have something special about them. And then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer now. Life used to be simple 25 years ago. Okay. If you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the United States, you may have bought the Panasonic ER409. This is my own unit from about 25 years ago.

[Conan O'Brien]

So this. Let me explain to the viewer, you've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator. Okay. And it's a Panasonic.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And this is from the 90s, 2000s.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Sure. I don't have the exact lineage of it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair. I can't tell you if it started growing in then or if I just became aware of it then, but this is a relic. This is an ancient relic. If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan, of course, Panasonic's headquarters. I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to. I simply trimmed my nose hair with that. And you can trim ear hair as well, if you choose. And that was the end of it. It was a successful operation.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And then this.

[Conan O'Brien]

The operation was a success.

[Jordan Schlansky]

The operation was a success. And then this product was damaged. I may have dropped it. I don't remember. It may have just failed due to its age.

[Conan O'Brien]

Nevertheless, if it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself, took out a tiny little gun and shot its brains out. Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at the same point? I'm sorry.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So once you replace it.

[Conan O'Brien]

I can't.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I can't.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns. And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep. In Europe, a tiny little shot, you go in and, oh, my hairdryer's dead. Sometimes they leave a little note. If I had to Listen to him pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time. Oh my God. My stomach hurts. My chest hurts. My whole body falling apart. I'm sorry.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I respect inanimate objects. Okay. It's like a Japanese mentality. Okay. I treasure these. If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them. Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged. I live in the United States and I was served this. Panasonic ER411. This is disgusting. This.

[Conan O'Brien]

What? What are you talking about?

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is oversized. It's light and plastic. It looks like a rocket ship. The cutting mechanism I actually replaced this had been discontinued. But I was able to buy the cutting part. I replaced it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute. You bought. How much did that cost?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't know. $15.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. You buy a $15 nose trimmer.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And then you went to the trouble to replace the blade?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. This was an inadequate product. This was no longer made in Japan. It was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods. It. It looks like a rocket ship. It draws unnecessary attention to itself. It's a bright silver color. This was what you would get as an American after the glory days of nose hair trimmers.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference. This one.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's telling that you don't see a difference between those two objects.

[Conan O'Brien]

One is silver and one is gray.

[Jordan Schlansky]

We define ourselves by the objects we interact with. Every day. I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of aesthetic pleasure. And it's not only putting on beautiful clothes, it's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer. It's also understanding that everything we interact with defines our life. So I wanted a well made product. I was not happy with this product, but I thought it was my only option. So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product.

[Conan O'Brien]

And when did this one commit suicide? You found this guy hanging.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So then I visited the country of Japan and I found out that Panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the Japanese client. And tell.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, so they sell us the inferior.

[Jordan Schlansky]

One, the ER GN10. And look how sleek and stylish this product is. This thing feels amazing in the hand. It's perfectly balanced. It's reminiscent of my old ER409. This is from 25. Why do you know this is from today?

[Conan O'Brien]

Why do you know the serial numbers?

[Jordan Schlansky]

And since I was in Japan, I knew that this was not going to last forever. Despite the fact that it is still made in Japan. In a high quality. So I bought spares. And then I found that on my second trip, they had come out with the ER. Originally with the ERGN10. Then they came out with the ERGN11. I bought two of those.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hold on a second. Let me see this.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Look at the beautiful. Just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products.

[Conan O'Brien]

Look at your eyes. You look insane.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Why do they sell this to Americans and this beauty. Why do they sell this disgusting rocket ship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele? I mean, I just. I don't understand the logic of that.

[Conan O'Brien]

But nevertheless, how many of these did you buy?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I bought four of them. But the.

[Conan O'Brien]

But the point is, now I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fish.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You take what you're given. I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer. You. You just buy whatever's available. I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie. What. What do you even use to trim your nose? You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore.

[Conan O'Brien]

Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a minute. Why. Why do you. Why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, what does that have to do with anything? You don't employ your hair and makeup person.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about? I still do. I still do big gigs. I still do live shows.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Of course, you may contract one intermittently. But I'm saying that's not going to take care of your nose hair on a regular basis.

[Conan O'Brien]

You use scissors. I use little scissors.

[Jordan Schlansky]

How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device.

[Conan O'Brien]

My nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day.

[Jordan Schlansky]

There's got to be over 100 individual hairs between those two nostrils.

[Conan O'Brien]

Shoot.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What are you. Are you telling me I use a little scissors? How long does that even take?

[Conan O'Brien]

And it's a little bit curved.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Are you confident in the quality of your work? I just don't. I know that if I look in that nose right now and I shone a light in there. If you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplishing well. You know what I do remove?

[Conan O'Brien]

I make little. I'm like Edward Scissorhands. I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this one. And I have a lizard in that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

It's not often talked about. You have hair removal challenges. You have shaving Problems. And you always have. When you come in and I'll see you patches of hair on your face. Isolated patches of hair. I don't know how. When you have resources available to you. I don't know how this passes inspection. I'll come in one day. You've got like a little. You've shaved, but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your. Under your nose where your mustache would be. You've got like a random. Your neck. A lot of times have, like, you have shaving problems and just acknowledge say about my neck. You have shovel say about my neck. You'll have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you want to know what the problem is? Would you like me to tell you?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I get very bad.

[Conan O'Brien]

I have very sensitive skin. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there? You think that looks bad?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I don't deliberate. I don't deliberately leave it there. I see it, I shave it. But sometimes I try to do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much. And maybe I leave a stray hair. And you know what? This is hurtful.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is hurtful. This is a clump of hair.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hurtful.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not concerned with individual hairs.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hurtful.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm just asking you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hurtful.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Do you feel if you can improve in some way by listening to the things I have to say? Why do you have to ridicule? I'm not ridiculous product. You have the. You have the means.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why do I have to buy it? You've got 15 in a bag. You give me one. Why. Why are you saying I have to buy one?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not giving you one of these.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, you are.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't have the refund you have.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about? I'll buy one from you for twice its price. You paid $8 to me. I'll give you 16.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is priceless to me. I'm not going to. I'm not going to put a price tag on this. The ERG. $100 if someone give me $100 better than you. Don't ridicule. Just be like, I learned something.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'll give you a hundred dollars.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, it's Socrates. Oh, it's Kaiser. I understand. Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose. I'll give you $210.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'll give you $200.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Say yes. Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're gonna get that. You made a huge profit on that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Give it to me right now.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I don't. Do I have $200 on me? I might. I don't know if I do or maybe I do.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not giving it back. Don't expect that when we walk out of this door. I'm giving it back.

[Conan O'Brien]

You don't have to give it back.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Do you want the ERGN10 or the GN11?

[Conan O'Brien]

What the difference is?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not clear on what the difference is. That's something I'm curious about. But it's written in Japanese, so you can get.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, what's the latest version?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, I don't know. I'm going to guess if there's the ergn 10 and the ergn 11. I'm going to guess maybe the gr erg 11 is more recent. Maybe they're going in a backwards lumbering scheme. If I ever see the GN9, I know that that's a steal. I mean, these are just basic questions. I don't need to read Japanese or understand anything specific about nose hair. Just give me everything you have.

[Conan O'Brien]

No.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You think you have more than 200 in cash on you?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I go to strip club sometimes. I think that's. You were yelling at me and you upset me because you said that my face was all fucked up and.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm just saying you have room for improvement. This is nothing to be ashamed about. This is something to embrace. I can help you improve.

[Conan O'Brien]

Two. Okay, there's 100. Really? 200. What if we go.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You offer 200.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know, but what if I take it down a little bit now? No, I'll give you 100. Hold on, hold on. You want 200? Seals the deal?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, there it is. It's $200.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, which one do you want?

[Conan O'Brien]

Why don't you choose?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Take this. Do you want this one?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I want one in a box, asshole. I don't want one. That's been up your ass two hours ago.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is not what I use for my ass.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, what did you use for that? Listen, what goes up there? Seriously, what goes up the old bottom?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't remove hair in that area.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why would you leave that there?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Why? I don't have any problem with that hair.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I have no problem with that area.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why do one orifice and not just.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This one is visible? Well, this one is, you know, displayed.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I think the other's been displayed at times, frankly. What battery does this take that Takes.

[Jordan Schlansky]

A AA battery, I reckon.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do we have a double A around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going.

[Jordan Schlansky]

See if I had a double A in mind. You may not want the nose trimmer itself, but you could take my battery, I hope.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I'll take.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, the battery's been in indirect contact with my nose and ears.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's. This is brand new.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Now, you stick that up your nose and if I hear. If I hear a grinding sound.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hear that?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, I hear it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hear that?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. If I hear a grind. You're clearly not doing a good job with your scissors. That's all that was all left behind.

[Conan O'Brien]

So that what you're hear. What you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair. I think I did a pretty good job with scissors.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Not from what I'm hearing, that. Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Each one of these. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Each of these blasts has like four hairs in it. What do you mean? Blast just keeps going. You're just still in the same nostril. You have a constant left.

[Conan O'Brien]

So how often do you do this? You do this every day?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Every Tuesday and Friday. I find it the most efficient days to remember.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what? I hope I do hope. You're murdered soon. This is a new nostril.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. You haven't even gotten to your ears yet years. Yeah. Do you still feel like your quaint scissor method is efficient?

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what? I have to say, this is better.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is better than the scissors.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And you don't have to worry about this disgusting device. And you claim that you don't learn anything or that there's no value in the knowledge that I have. And look at you now.

[Conan O'Brien]

Look at you now. You know what I love? I love that your look at you now is about this. You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger. Like, you said that you were better than me, and that was 50 years ago. But now I encounter you. Encounter you. And you're a hobo. Look at you now. But you use it on. You said that my information was incorrect, but I suggested this nose hair trimmer, and now you're using it. Look at you now. It's so small.

[Jordan Schlansky]

There's nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before that's not of any value to you.

[Conan O'Brien]

No.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You've never heard a level.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, that's not true.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're at a level where you have the top advisors begging to give you their information. I remember when you had these Personal trainers. In the 90s, you had these guys like, oh, no, Will Arnett. This is Will Arnett's guy, like you. And I started to give you nutrition advice. You're like, please, I think I've got this covered. I've got Will Arnett's personal training.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, it was actually Will Arnett.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Will Arnett was training me.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And I would see these protein powders in your office and they were like low quality soy proteins with like incomplete amino acid profiles. What? And you're like, don't worry, I've got the best in the business.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, you let me eat incomplete amino acids?

[Jordan Schlansky]

You have this theory where you're special and you want the best of everything. But you have, you know, you assume that there's nothing that I can tell you that you can't get a better answer on from someone else.

[Conan O'Brien]

Jordan, if I wanted the demanded the best in everything. Explain your presence. I mean, seriously, who else, who else.

[Jordan Schlansky]

In your life is going to tell you about the Ergn 11? What other soul on this planet would ever tell you about this?

[Conan O'Brien]

This cost me $200. Yeah. That's a lot.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, you have to take into account that I cannot easily replace it. There was a plane ticket involved. I brought it into the country, I imported it. I mean, there's a lot of middlemen that were coming out of the deal.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're right. You're right. All fair points. And I am going to use this and I appreciate it. Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ER GN11. Only available in Japan. You can't get this.

[Jordan Schlansky]

If one is resourceful, I'm sure they can find a way to obtain it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. I just love that you have this sad little bag. I don't know, it just. I'm sorry. Look, come on, don't stare at me with hate it. Just. You have to admit you have a little bag and you're carrying it around.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I admit I have a bag with nose hair trimmers in it.

[Conan O'Brien]

These are cool. I mean, this is. You know, I'm going to say something. These are nice.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Now I'm. I'm going to go home tonight and my wife expects me.

[Jordan Schlansky]

She's going to notice your clean nose, I presume. And she. And not just today, but going forward. This device may last you many years.

[Conan O'Brien]

Does this also work on the ears?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Now be honest. Have you used it on the ass? Be honest.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

Have you used anything on the ass?

[Jordan Schlansky]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

Have you ever looked back there? Be. Be honest. I'm aware of not that I'm aware of. Well, I mean, sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I have no recollection of looking at my buttocks in the way that I believe you're referring to.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. It doesn't concern you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Have you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Have I what?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Looked at your anus, I guess, is where you were going with this.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's a very personal question.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, it was just asked of me, so I'm familiar with the question.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right. Well, I think this has been a very successful segment. Once again, Jordan has hoodwinked me. It's a good product. Did I pay too much? Yes, I did. Will I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards? Probably. Will I also keep the Panasonic ERGN11? Yes, I will. So I'm determined to come out ahead, but I'm going to let it go for now. But, yes, during the show, it will have all the appearances of me shelling out 200 clams. Quick advice. Where does the hair go?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Does it go into a chamber at the top? You'll have to clean that out from now.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, guess what? Yeah, that's Conan O'Brien nose hair. Yeah, I could sell that. They sell Elvis's sweat. I could sell Conan O'Brien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would want to buy it.

[Frank Smiley]

You know, there's somebody on the line right now. Do you want to ask?

[Conan O'Brien]

Someone's been listening and they're on the line.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's fantastic. Let's put this person on the line. This is exciting. What if I can sell my nose hair? Let's patch through. Hello, this is. I'm told this is Stephanie in Illinois. Stephanie, are you there?

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, hey. How are you?

[Stephanie]

I'm good. This is the highlight of my day.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I mean, day isn't much. I was hoping you'd say like week or month, but. Okay, I'll take. You know what? I'm going to take Day. I'm not going to get greedy. Stephanie, it's very nice to talk to you. As you know, we've been. I just use this amazing product. I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils, and I was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair. Is that something that you would ever consider?

[Stephanie]

I would consider it for a little bit of time. And then, I mean, maybe I could sell it and make some money off of it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, when you said you would consider it, it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond. And then.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, it'd be pretty.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

Pretty short amount of time.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. You know what? I respect you because I think only an idiot would buy my nose hair. And I think you made the right call. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Stephanie. What's. What's your occupation?

[Stephanie]

Um, I'm a licensed psychologist, and I work in a university counseling center.

[Conan O'Brien]

Seriously? You. Yeah. So. So this is good, because I'm sitting here. I do this show occasionally with. I guess I'm gonna call him a friend of mine. I don't know what the term is. Jordan Schlansky. Are you familiar with him at all? Yep. Okay. People seem to know him. A lot of people stop me and ask me, what's the deal with Jordan? And I want to say that I spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people. You say that you're a psychologist.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

And so you are trained to understand the human psyche, the mind, behavioral patterns. You've probably done personality. Personality. Tell me. And Jordan's here. You can say, hello, Jordan.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Hello, Stephanie?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. What is your take on Jordan Schlansky? Hello.

[Stephanie]

I mean.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

No, it's just a pause.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh. Oh, that was a. That was a pause. Oh, my God. That's not good. That's not a good sign. I thought we had. I thought all communications had dropped and that you had gone off the grid. That was a pause because you don't know what to say. That's stunning.

[Stephanie]

That's correct.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Well, I mean, let's talk. Do you want to. Do you have any questions for Jordan?

[Stephanie]

I. Yeah, I've got a lot of questions.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's get into it. He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos. Let's imagine, you know, Jordan, you've seen his videos, and he walks into the office, and let's get to it.

[Stephanie]

I guess I'd be most interested to know what his biggest problems are in his life, like what causes him distress.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm pretty content, to be honest with you. I don't really have any chronic conditions, psychological or otherwise. You know, basic human responses. We have fear in frightful situations, and we may feel anxious in situations that would classically inspire such a reaction. I wouldn't say I fall victim to a lot of.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm sorry, you're just describing the human species.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're talking. You're talking about Homo sapiens. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about you specifically. And, you know, well, I feel content.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I Know my strengths and my weaknesses, and I know my characteristics, and I'm quite content with them. You know, I know my limitations and my.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm quite familiar with your limitations. What I want to say, Jordan, is that you are not. You say you're content, but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough out of the Conan O'Brien experience.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, I'm talking about my own psychology. Your treatment of me over the years in financially and otherwise is a completely different subject. I'm talking about psychologically. I'm introverted, which I don't think is any secret. And certainly a psychologist would likely read that right away intp, if you're a fan of the Myers Briggs classification system.

[Stephanie]

I'm a fan of.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, excuse me. I'm going to let you jump in here, Stephanie, because if I don't bully him out of the way, you'll never get a chance. Well, go ahead, Stephanie.

[Stephanie]

So sometimes the problem is not that you're in distress, but it's that the other people around you are in distress. So that would be my kind of other question is how do most people kind of respond to you?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, it's a good question.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That is a good question. I get a lot of different responses. Do you understand? I'm going to guess that a lot of people get mostly consistent responses from those around them with, you know, a few outlying responses, but I get very different responses from different people. I find some people despise me, and I find. But I find that an equal, if not more number of people embrace me. And I think that if you average it all out, it equals a normal person's response. But I. Mine. Mine is a bit polarizing with equal numbers on both sides. And I guess there are a few apathetic in the middle that really don't care one way or the other.

[Conan O'Brien]

So you're saying. So basically what you just said is you're a normal guy. 40% of people despise you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

High school.

[Conan O'Brien]

40%. 40% are fine with you, and then 20% in the middle have no opinion. That does not sound, Stephanie, to me, like the normal response an average human gets. What do you think?

[Stephanie]

Oh, no, it doesn't sound normal.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, well, I'm not concerned with being normal. That was never high on my priority list. I'm concerned.

[Stephanie]

Comes across.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. I like to think that I'm a good person. And in the end, overall, I increase the quality of the lives of people around me. Of course, there Are a few exceptions inevitable? That's just attrition as you get in business and life in general. But I try to be a good person. I try to improve the world around me in my limited time here on this earth. But of course, I don't hit it out of the park every single time. And, you know, some people are easy to read, and I may have more of a stoic demeanor, even if it doesn't necessarily represent what's going on inside me. And some people, when faced with that kind of blank slate, find it off putting and intimidating in a way. And I understand that and respect that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Stephanie, let me ask you quickly, and you're the expert here, and I'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from Jordan. But my take here is I hear a lot of smooth talking from Jordan, a lot of words, a lot of sing songy cadence mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up. Is that what you're hearing too?

[Stephanie]

I mean, from listening to the podcast and your other interactions? His interactions with me sound a lot smoother than his interactions with you. I don't.

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean, so you're, you're saying that maybe I could be. The issue is maybe what you're saying.

[Stephanie]

The other option too is sometimes people, when they feel like they're being assessed, they kind of show the best of themselves, you know, and kind of want to be seen in a certain way and kind of do that. Like they kind of manage their, their public image more.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, it's like when they first caught Ted Bundy, he was quite chatty, pleasant, saying to everyone at the jail, it's so nice to see you. What a lovely jail. Because that had always worked for him in the past. Is that the analogy that you're making right here, Stephanie?

[Stephanie]

That's exactly what I was saying. Yeah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, well, listen, Stephanie has made a very good observation, and I am different depending on who I'm talking to. And I do have many sides of my personality, and I truly maintain that they're all genuine. Um, many sides. And the person I'm talking to often evokes a certain aspect subdivision of my personality. And it is true that you consistently. I'm gesturing to my co host, Conan, evokes a certain response from me, whereas if I were just talking to Stephanie or some of our other colleagues, they may get a different response from me.

[Stephanie]

So what does Conan bring out of you?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, good question.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I'll tell you, Conan has a certain energy. Some may even say polar opposite to My own. He's very extroverted, very textbook extrovert. He feeds off the energy of others and feels drained when he doesn't get that response from others. And I'm exactly the opposite. And you know, Conan, we are the same species, Homo sapiens, but our minds are wired so very differently, it's hard to believe we're the same species. And when I watch him, and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sure. As all aliens do when they visit.

[Jordan Schlansky]

When I watch him and how his mind works, I marvel at it because in addition to his many talents, his many tangible talents, I marvel at how very different his mind is than mine. He will go out of his way if we're on an airplane, sitting across the aisle to get my attention, to yell across the aisle. And I turn his way and expect he's going to have some great witty quip and he just makes a ridiculous face at me. And that was so important to him that he had to yell across a crowded airplane cabin to get. And I'm thinking, I would never. I could have the best joke or observation in the world. I would never take that step.

[Conan O'Brien]

I did do that recently, Stephanie. He was sitting way across from me on an airplane flight, and I yelled across. We were shooting a travel show, and I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane just so I could make a ridiculous face at him. And I did it because I saw his face and it was just had no expression. It was lifeless. It was a mask. And I had.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, I was sitting on an airplane. What kind of expression do you want in that moment? I'm just sitting, watching the hours go by.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think American Airlines deserved more. They do a good job, and you could have given them something. And so I needed to. The pond was too placid, and I needed to drop a stone in and watch the concentric rings. Do you understand that, Stephanie?

[Jordan Schlansky]

But there's nothing wrong with a placid pond. That's. That's what you're missing here. You always need movement, but sometimes the. The silence is where the magic is. The stillness.

[Conan O'Brien]

There was no magic. I just a weird face across the aisle wearing the same T shirt you always wear, staring straight ahead. And it was annoying. Stephanie, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit so that Jordan can't go ahead?

[Stephanie]

Okay, Well, I had a question for you, Conan, which is you said you try to explain Jordan to people. What's your, like, shorthand description of him?

[Conan O'Brien]

I usually say we think it's a childhood accident.

[Stephanie]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's the best I can come up with. And that tends to.

[Jordan Schlansky]

They.

[Conan O'Brien]

They just nod and go, yeah. You know, and I say, I don't really know what it was. If it was a, you know, a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back.

[Stephanie]

And it took out some kind of traumatic brain injury.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, yeah. You know those X rays you see, where there's a skull and there's a. The. The. The. The giant spike going right through it. But they tell you the guy lived, and he's a practicing lawyer. That's. I. I'm always guessing that it was some kind of event like that, that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there, but because someone In a Ford F150 left a railroad spike in the back and then stopped short, Jordan has been an alien his whole life. Jordan, what do you think?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, while I acknowledge that you and I have very different personalities, who's to judge whose personality is superior? You're implying that you're wrong.

[Conan O'Brien]

That would be me. I'm sorry. It's the Conan and Jordan show, and it's on the Conan Channel.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

So I guess that would make me the judge. It's like you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit, and you're shouting up at a Supreme Court justice. Who are you to judge? I'm a Supreme Court justice.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I'm no psychologist, but to me, I detect an error of insecurity and overcompensation. I don't need to judge you. And who's a per. You're certainly an exceptional human being. No question about it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And if you compare me to the average human, you might think that I'm a bit different, and I don't disagree. However, when it comes to assessing which is the superior way to be, that's when things get a little murkier. And I don't know that we need to have that competition.

[Conan O'Brien]

Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him?

[Stephanie]

Yeah, I think Conan is better than you.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love that that's coming from. Oh, my God. So that settles it.

[Frank Smiley]

That settles it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you very much, Stephanie. You're a wonderful person. And thank you. Thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this question. And that's science. That's real science right there.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Clearly that I am better than you.

[Conan O'Brien]

And, Stephanie, best of luck to you. Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Bye.

[Conan O'Brien]

Bye. Bye. She was lovely. She was. And also, I think she. She nailed it. I think she just really nailed it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

The convoluted premise that you use to get into these scenarios just baffles me. Why the nose hair intro? Why not just say we have a psychologist on the phone? Why do you feel you need to justify we didn't know it was a psychologist.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, we didn't know it was an accident. That was a psychologist. And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart and deduced that you are the monstrous freak that you are? Hey, that's all the time we have for now, okay? And that's not really true. I have plenty of time left, but I just can't do this anymore. So I'm going to wrap this up, okay? That's been this episode of the Conan and Jordan Show. I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things. And then a pretty much a woman of science said that I win and Jordan loses.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Clearly a sound psychological opinion.

[Conan O'Brien]

We'll see you next time.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Though his mind is on foreign, don't put him down. His arrogant, his reserve a quiet defense writing out the day's events.

[Frank Smiley]

The Conan and Jordan show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruss. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Khan. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline, 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too can be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien radio channel 104 on Sirius X.

[Jordan Schlansky]

All set for your flight?

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Conan O'Brien]

Same goes from a water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm gonna leave you to it.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Conan O'Brien]

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