The Debut Episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”

Summary

Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Episode: The Debut Episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”
Host: Team Coco & Earwolf
Release Date: [Insert Release Date]
Duration: Approximately 50 minutes

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1. Introduction of "The Conan and Jordan Show" (01:00 - 05:00)

In the debut episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show,” Conan O’Brien introduces a new segment to his podcast aimed at fostering a deeper friendship with Jordan Schlansky, a trusted colleague. Conan emphasizes the desire to explore their unique and often quirky relationship outside the formalities of traditional interviews.

Notable Quote:
Conan (01:00):
"So now we are bringing it to the Conan O’Brien needs a friend podcast feed. And it's just what it sounds like. Every month you can listen as Jordan Schlansky and I explore our very strange relationship."

Jordan expresses mild skepticism about the show’s straightforward title, hoping for something more clever, but concedes that the chemistry between them is the true draw.

Notable Quote:
Jordan (02:32):
"Are we calling this the Conan and Jordan Show? That's the official title."
Conan (03:00):
"You don’t need a clever title. People know our chemistry."

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2. Theme Music and Rush Discussion (05:00 - 12:00)

The hosts delve into their shared appreciation for the band Rush, with Conan improvising a humorous rendition of “Tom Sawyer” in a falsetto tone. This segment highlights their differing musical tastes and sets the tone for their playful banter.

Notable Quote:
Conan (04:32):
"That's one of your favorite bands of all time, isn't it, Rush?"
Jordan (06:00):
"That was an accurate Getty, Lee."
Conan (05:01):
"Look for you Rush fans out there. No offense, but Jordan, I'm glad you're a big fan of theirs and through my fame, you actually got to know the band a little bit, didn't you?"

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3. Pronunciation Debate: Socrates, Caesar, and Plato (12:00 - 19:00)

A significant portion of the episode centers around a heated debate over the correct pronunciation of ancient historical figures’ names. Jordan insists on the classical pronunciations, while Conan humorously challenges his authority on the matter, leading to an entertaining back-and-forth.

Notable Quotes:
Jordan (06:25):
"Ancient Greek influenced other languages. We can trace the lineage back by studying other ancient languages. Socrates. Aristotele."

Conan (07:02):
"You don’t know how they pronounce Socrates. I know how they pronounce Socrates."

Jordan (07:32):
"My position is it's Socrates, and that's as far as I'll go with it."

Conan (08:20):
"You don’t have a PhD in shit."
Jordan (08:29):
"You're always telling me that's interesting. That's etymology."

This segment showcases the dynamic tension between Conan’s casual humor and Jordan’s meticulous precision, embodying the essence of their evolving friendship.

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4. Caller Interactions: Danny and Esther (24:40 - 33:38)

A. Caller Danny from Massachusetts

The show transitions to taking live calls. Danny, initially believed to be from Connecticut, reveals he’s from Massachusetts. He inquires about Jordan’s use of cannabis, leading to Conan’s humorous skepticism about Jordan’s authenticity.

Notable Quote:
Danny (25:04):
"Hi, yes, I am."

Conan (26:25):
"Can I ask you something?"
Jordan (26:13):
"I have not explored it yet."

B. Caller Esther from Los Angeles

Esther, a teacher from Los Angeles, asks Jordan about childhood fears. Jordan responds with a thoughtful analysis of common fears and personal nightmares, while Conan injects his characteristic humor by misinterpreting her question.

Notable Quote:
Esther (29:07):
"Were you scared of anything as a child? And if so, are you still?"
Jordan (29:51):
"I have nightmares about being on the ground and watching a plane crash."
Conan (30:18):
"Who calls a plane crash a procedure?"

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5. Caller Dan from Montana: A Troll Call (33:38 - 47:18)

The most memorable segment features Dan Gersky from Montana, who intentionally confuses Conan and Jordan with name pronunciations and playful trolling. This interaction escalates into a comedic exchange where Conan and Jordan grapple with the caller’s antics, showcasing their contrasting styles—Conan’s improvisational humor versus Jordan’s deadpan precision.

Notable Quotes:
Dan (34:00):
"Do you have any electric car or just newer car experience?"

Conan (39:00):
"You are Nixon in 74. You are cornered. You know it's over."

Dan (43:34, via voice changer as Kevin Nealon):
"Dan Gerski is actually. He's a. Yeah."

Conan (44:27):
"I don’t even know anymore. Dan, you’re a real prick sometimes. You know that about yourself, don’t you?"

Jordan (43:52):
"Gursky respects me, whatever his real name may be."

This segment highlights the playful conflict and chemistry between the hosts, ultimately diffusing tension with mutual respect.

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6. Conclusion and Final Thoughts (47:18 - 50:05)

As the episode wraps up, Conan reflects on the bickering and disagreements, choosing to end on a positive note by praising comedian Kevin Nealon’s dry wit. Despite the tumultuous interactions, both hosts express appreciation for each other’s humor and contributions.

Notable Quote:
Conan (47:35):
"I think it’s nice to end on a point of agreement. So this was... Wasn’t this nice?"
Jordan (47:35):
"Yes."
Conan (48:09):
"You and I, we fought nonstop. We bickered, we disagreed, we shouted at each other. But at the end, we agreed that Kevin Nealon has a really... Is one of the great dry wits of all time."

The episode concludes with Conan and Jordan humorously attempting to perform closing theme music, further cementing their dynamic interplay.

Final Advertisements:
The episode closes with brief sponsor messages for Whistlepig Whiskey and Sonic’s Queso Smasher, seamlessly integrated into the hosts’ banter.

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Key Takeaways:

• Dynamic Chemistry: The episode effectively sets the stage for the evolving friendship between Conan O’Brien and Jordan Schlansky, characterized by playful bickering and mutual respect.

• Humor and Tension: The contrasting styles—Conan’s improvisational humor versus Jordan’s precise, deadpan delivery—create an engaging and entertaining dynamic.

• Interactive Engagement: Live caller interactions add an element of spontaneity and showcase the hosts’ ability to handle unexpected scenarios.

• Cultural References: Discussions on Rush, classical pronunciations, and pop culture references enrich the conversation, catering to a diverse audience.

• Conclusion on Positive Terms: Despite the evident tension, the hosts conclude the episode with mutual praise, hinting at future collaborations and deeper explorations of their relationship.

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Notable Quotes Compilation:

• Conan (01:00):
  "So now we are bringing it to the Conan O’Brien needs a friend podcast feed. And it's just what it sounds like."

• Jordan (02:32):
  "Are we calling this the Conan and Jordan Show? That's the official title."

• Conan (08:20):
  "You don’t have a PhD in shit."

• Jordan (29:51):
  "I have nightmares about being on the ground and watching a plane crash."

• Conan (44:27):
  "I don’t even know anymore. Dan, you’re a real prick sometimes. You know that about yourself, don’t you?"

• Conan (47:35):
  "I think it’s nice to end on a point of agreement."

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This inaugural episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show” sets a promising foundation for future episodes, blending humor, intellectual debates, and candid interactions to explore the depths of Conan O’Brien’s friendship with Jordan Schlansky.

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

Then buy one big carl. Get one for a buck.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

Price may vary.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not valid with any other offer, discount or combo.

[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Conan O'Brien]

To the market and the chance to reach their goals.

[Jordan Schlansky]

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[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

Wherever you're heading, getting there starts here with State Street.

[Conan O'Brien]

Before investing, consider the fund's investment objectives.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Risks, charges and expenses.

[Conan O'Brien]

Visit ssga.com for perspectives containing this and other information.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Read it carefully. DIA Subject to risk similar to those of stocks, all ATs are subject to risk, including possible loss of principal Alps Distributors, Inc.

[Conan O'Brien]

Distributor Hey, Conan here with some very exciting news, and I don't use that term lightly. Yes, I did. Anyway, I've been doing something on Sirius XM for a while called the Conan and Jordan show, and people have been enjoying it. So now we are bringing it to the Conan O'Brien needs a friend podcast feed. And it's just what it sounds like. Every month you can listen as Jordan Schlansky and I explore our very strange relationship. Get to know each other deeper than ever before. It's as horrifying as it sounds. So we're going to play you one of those episodes right now, an episode of the Conan and Jordan show, and I hope you enjoy it. There were eight of them. You can listen to all eight episodes of the Conan and Jordan show whenever you want on the SiriusXM app. Just search Conan. But I wanted you to get started right now and hear one if you enjoy whatever weird chemistry Jordan and I have, you can listen to that right now and then keep listening if you want, because we think we're going to be dropping more into our podcast feed as time goes on. So without further ado, I bring you the Conan and Jordan Show. Eduardo, hit that music.

[Jordan Schlansky]

A Monday warrior Mean, mean stride Today's Tom Sawyer Mean, mean pride.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, that's, that's more than enough. We played that song, Jordan, because that is one of your favorite bands of all time, isn't it, Rush?

[Jordan Schlansky]

It is, yeah. Are we calling this the Conan and Jordan Show? That's the official title.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's what you came up with?

[Conan O'Brien]

I didn't come up with it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm just saying it's descriptive. I mean, there's no doubt as to what the show is. But I just would have thought. This is news to me. I just would have thought that there would be a more clever title. But you can go with it. Clearly, if that's what you've decided.

[Conan O'Brien]

You don't need a clever title. People know our chemistry.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't disagree. I was just wondering what the thought process was.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't disagree means I agree.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes, it does.

[Conan O'Brien]

So, I mean, one would argue that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

There'S a subtle distinction.

[Conan O'Brien]

One would argue means you're arguing.

[Eduardo]

Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

So I'm just gonna. I speak Jordan. So let me just say that you agree that it's a great name, the Conan and Jordan Show. Of course I have to get top billing because I am the star and you are the guy who works for me in a very nebulous way.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Doing God knows what and filling your pockets. But anyway, how did you enjoy your theme song?

[Jordan Schlansky]

That was a great song. I'm surprised that you have the music rights to use it. One of the many things that you don't acknowledge that I've done was deal with music rights.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is that what you did on the show? I asked you for years. Did you. You did stuff with music rights.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I do realize that while it's a great song and it's great for this operation, I don't know what we're calling this radio show. It's limiting the distribution of said show. You're going to want to distribute the show in certain ways, but you've got that much theme song that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Does this limit it in any way, Mr. Grus?

[Eduardo]

No, we're good.

[Conan O'Brien]

We're good.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, we're.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, this is serious. This is serious radio.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You have to leave your options open for future.

[Conan O'Brien]

Listen, Jordan. Not with this show, I don't. Okay, Let me promise you, there's no way anyone's going to say, how do I get this on vinyl? I must have a reproduction. They don't know. They're not going to want this. It's going to live on Sirius Radio, where we're allowed to play any Rush song you want. What are the other ones you like?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, well, Rush has many different periods.

[Conan O'Brien]

What's the one that I used to sort of try and sing?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Limelight. That was the.

[Conan O'Brien]

How does it go. Yeah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Living on a lighted stage approaches the.

[Conan O'Brien]

Living on a lighted stage. Was that kind of. Is that a Getty lead, you think?

[Jordan Schlansky]

That is not what I expected this show to be. You singing in a falsetto tone was not how I.

[Conan O'Brien]

That was an accurate Getty. That was an accurate Getty, Lee.

[Jordan Schlansky]

It was not inaccurate. That means it was accurate in a roundabout way. I argue that there is once again.

[Conan O'Brien]

On the light hit stage, isn't it? Something like that. Right?

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's his general register.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Yeah. How pleasing to the ear. Look for you Rush fans out there. No offense, but Jordan, I'm glad you're a big fan of theirs and through my fame, you actually got to know the band a little bit, didn't you?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I did, yes, I did.

[Conan O'Brien]

So maybe a thank you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, thank you. You. I've. I've been able to benefit in certain ways from your own celebrity, which I feel is deserved because you have to remember that your celebrity is a product of the work of the many people that are here in this very room and beyond.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't see it that way. We have worked do not see it that way.

[Jordan Schlansky]

While the finances don't necessarily reflect that, the truth of the matter is this is not a one man operation. This was a group effort.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, first of all, I'm not saying it was a one man operation. I'm just saying that once a millennia, a figure comes along, a Mozart, a Socrates, and the Socrates. What'd you say?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Socrates. In the original ancient Greek pronunciation.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you fucking talking about? No one knows how the ancient Greeks pronounced that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I know how it's pronounced. And now everyone listening knows how it's pronounced.

[Conan O'Brien]

Socrates.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Socrates.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute. How do you know how the ancient Greek spoke?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Ancient Greek influenced other languages. We can trace the lineage back by studying other ancient languages. Socrates. Aristotele.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is. No, I don't think you're right about any of this. First of all, congratulations on inventing a time machine. May I see it? Can I. Can I get inside your time machine?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I understand there are people that study the past. You don't need to travel back.

[Conan O'Brien]

But we don't know how they pronounce. We don't know how they pronounce Socrates.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You don't know how they pronounce Socrates. I know how they pronounce Socrates.

[Conan O'Brien]

You don't know how they pronounce Socrates.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I said how they pronounce Socrates.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's not true. No one can possibly know how they pronounced it. There's no phonographic evidence.

[Jordan Schlansky]

A photograph doesn't represent how something is pronounced. Anyway, I'm telling you, there are people.

[Conan O'Brien]

That was a little trick to see if you were paying attention. I mean, when I say phono, I'm talking about the audio.

[Jordan Schlansky]

There are photo. Linguist comes from the Latin lingua, which means the tongue also.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, can I tell you something?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Or in.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know where you're taking this. I know where you're taking this, which is oral sex. And I think it's disgusting, and no one wants to hear you go on and on about tongues and linguist and, you know, going down and all that kind of. It's garbage. It's just garbage. That's not the way anyone should be pleasured. It's disgusting. It's not described in the Old Testament, and I won't have it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So Socrates.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sorry, what was that? I played Google.

[Eduardo]

Google's pronunciation of Socrates.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you, Eduardo.

[Jordan Schlansky]

When it said Socrates, that was an incorrect pronunciation.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, you're arguing with Google now?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not arguing with Google is. I'm not arguing because I know my position. My position is it's Socrates, and that's as far as I'll go with it.

[Conan O'Brien]

But can I ask you something?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Your interpretation does not change reality.

[Conan O'Brien]

You don't have a PhD in shit.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Doctorate comes from the Latin docere, or in the ecclesiastical pronunciation, docere, which means to teach. Which, in fact, is what we're doing here. We are teaching.

[Conan O'Brien]

You just say shit.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you say it with great authority. And then we're all supposed to say, yeah, yeah, I guess so.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't say anything.

[Conan O'Brien]

But then I look into your past and I realize you're some schmo. You're just some guy. You're just a guy. You're just a guy.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't disagree. I'm a guy who knows how you say docere and docere and Socrates and Aristotelis.

[Conan O'Brien]

How do you say spaghetti?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Spaghetti. It means little strings. There's spago, which means a string. There's spaghetto, which is a little string. And then there's the plural spaghetti.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I just point out to people this is our first episode, but to people listening to the Conan and Jordan show, when I'm not speaking and Jordan is, you should. If you don't have access to the audio, just know that I'm holding my head. I'm just. My head is down and I'm holding it. And I'm sad and I'm sad. And that's just something for you to know as you're driving along listening to this. Well, Jordan, I have to say, you and I, in the past, people Watch these on YouTube all the time. And on our various sites, they watch the adventures we've had where you shoot off your mouth about your expertise on, say, where the Karate Kid sequel was shot. And then I prove you to be wrong. And you've been proven wrong about several things. Some of the things, maybe in Italy, you were incorrect about certain word usages.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, is that true?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, you were. You actually lectured me about how no one I wanted to have a red wine with my pizza. Remember that? And you said, no one has red wine with their pizza. You're supposed to have a beer. And then I asked the waiter who served me in Naples, what do you have with your pizza? And he said, wine. And I saw a little part of you die.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, no one is a euphemism. I did not mean no human being in Italy would ever drink red wine with pizza. I just managed generally consumed.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, what a coincidence that the wine guy who did it was, happened to be a waiter at the pizza restaurant.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Worked in the food industry. Of course he has. He may have different habits than the average diner. He's not responsible for his preferences. I have observed that such fact. I'm not an expert on this particular waiter's eating preferences.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm chewing my mic cord right now.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Go on. What else was I incorrect about? You've got a list.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I don't have a list of what?

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're looking at a piece of paper, tapping it, you're looking down. When you come up with a new subject. Go ahead, what's next on the list?

[Conan O'Brien]

You are Nixon in 74. You are cornered. You know it's over. You're sweating and you're babbling on television. I resigned today, effective immediately. Don't hate your enemies. When you hate them, they win.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't know this serious demographic, but I do know this. They are not familiar with the voice of Richard Nixon.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, that's, I think, condescending because I always assume that I'm not even.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Familiar with the voice of Richard Nixon. I'm a 50 year old man.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, so you don't know about a President of the United States.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I know there was a president named.

[Conan O'Brien]

Richard Nixon who lived pretty much in your lifetime. Yeah, okay, you don't know about, you don't know anything about that guy.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

But you know that Socrates, his name 2000, 3000 years ago, was the Socrates, and that's how people pronounce it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That has relevance today. Go ahead, do some more impressions. Of historical figures from the middle of the century. What did Eisenhower say today?

[Conan O'Brien]

December 7, 1941. A day that will live in infamy. Who was that?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Truman?

[Conan O'Brien]

That's Franklin Roosevelt, you son of a bitch. You know? Unbelievable. So you know Socrates?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

But you don't know about who was president when Pearl harbor was attacked?

[Jordan Schlansky]

You have a particular interest in presidential history. Let's not pretend that your average listener shares that interest with you.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're right. I should assume that they all share your interest, which is that Socrates, all of us have been saying it wrong all these times.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not going to stand by as you mispronounce the names of incredible figures from ancient history.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, Jordan, how annoying was it for Socrates? He was probably walking around and people were like, hey, Socrates, I got a question. He was like, it is Socrates. Take it easy. Socrates. I said it Socrates. Man, you are one uptight philosopher. How do you say Plato? Please say it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Plato.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, you fucking son of a bitch. So Goofy's dog is named Plato.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm not familiar with Goofy's dog. That's not my specialty. I have a cursory knowledge of Disney. I didn't know Goofy is a dog. I know he had another dog.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what's sick? A dog has a dog for a pet. Don't you think that's disgusting? I think it's one of the sickest things about Disney. What dog keeps another dog as a pet? That's wrong. You know what? I think it's terrible. And you know who would agree with me? Socrates and Plato. They'd agree with me. Yeah, Pluto the dog.

[Jordan Schlansky]

They never figured out why Goofy was able to speak.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's Goffy. Oh, man. Torpedo amidships. The explosion could be seen for miles. I hit you right where the torpedoes are stored. Oh, my God. God, you're sinking to the briny deep right now. Your ship.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So the torpedo exploded? The other torpedoes?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

I fired a torpedo explosion. I fired a torpedo and it managed to just hit where the munitions are stored.

[Jordan Schlansky]

There were shells and torpedo. It wouldn't hit its own torpedo storage room? No, enemy's torpedo storage room, please.

[Conan O'Brien]

We don't have time to gum up. The first Conan and Jordan show. You should be.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What is the command structure of the show? Is this we just speak equally or are you in the command position?

[Eduardo]

What do you think?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't understand the layout. I was not given any information. I was called into this room. I didn't know the name of the show.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I say something?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Did I have any input in 25.

[Conan O'Brien]

Years, you've never told me what the fuck it is you do at my show, and now you're complaining that I'm not giving you adequate information.

[Jordan Schlansky]

My responsibility. But what could have been my responsibility is to cite a name for the show that might have a bit of irony or cleverness to it. I mean, how long did it take you to come up with the Conan and Jordan name?

[Conan O'Brien]

Frank Smiley.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Did you even consider anything?

[Conan O'Brien]

The producer of the show, Frank Smiley.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That was.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, that's it. It's just listening. It's, it's the. It's fine. No one needs to be clever.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Not fine. I was curious, did you have an idea for. No, I don't. I am not having a. I don't have a problem with the name. I was just curious how much thought is put into this operation. I feel like this is a low value operation for the company. You've got 24 hours to fill on this satellite channel, this Sirius radio channel. What do we got, like a half hour? What is, what is the devote. What is the percentage of resources that's devoted to Jordan?

[Conan O'Brien]

Let me explain something to you. If you were here and you have a microphone in front of you. Yes, this is low value. That is the dictionary definition of low audio value. How are you, by the way?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Are we going to make small talk now? I'm happy to make small talk. How are you?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, I'm trying to. We got into a bit of a quarrel and that happens with us often. Would you agree?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, it depends how you define quarrel. Let's call it a debate.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, why not just say yes, call.

[Jordan Schlansky]

It a conversation, for that matter.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, but why not just agree with you?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, you don't leave upset. You don't leave the experience upset. I'm guessing this is rewarding for you as a human interaction.

[Conan O'Brien]

You've upset me in the past.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I find two humans, and we run the range of human emotion as.

[Conan O'Brien]

Are you sure you're human? Because a computer doesn't know it's a computer. Do you know what I mean?

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's not necessarily true. It's potentially true.

[Conan O'Brien]

What I'm saying is everyone's afraid of AI and they talk about, oh my God, AI, AI, what are we going to do? And I've been telling everyone I've been living with AI for 25 years. His name is Jordan Schlansky. Your intelligence, by the way, is artificial. You don't know about the things you're talking about. You really don't. And I know that you have Some basic awareness. But you're always telling me what the Latin root is of something.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're always telling me that's interesting. That's etymology.

[Conan O'Brien]

But is it accurate? Do you read books to get this information? Do you go online? How do you get this information? Or do you just make it up?

[Jordan Schlansky]

The venue by which I educate myself, I don't find particularly interesting. Yeah, it's probably a combination of books. What you know, as the Internet, human conversation. Audio. Audio material. Clearly, when learning about pronunciations, whether it's in the classical restored Latin or ecclesiastical Latin, sometimes you want to hear the audio. A book's not going to really convey it.

[Conan O'Brien]

So you've heard tapes where they say Socrates.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And Plato.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. I can't tell you that it was a tape, but it was an audio recording.

[Conan O'Brien]

Could you cite one of those?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Luke Ranieri, He's a gentleman.

[Conan O'Brien]

On YouTube, I think it's Ranieri.

[Jordan Schlansky]

His name is Italian in origin, so it would be Ranieri.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. But then he moved to Jersey.

[Jordan Schlansky]

He has a great YouTube channel where he talks about classical Latin versus ecclesiastical Latin.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hmm.

[Jordan Schlansky]

If you're interested in these things. Nope. I may listen to former President Richard Nixon one day based on your impression. Curiosity as to its accuracy. You might want to hear ancient pronunciations of historical figures. Do you know how to pronounce Caesar? I mean, don't you find it interesting? But use the word Caesar.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm going to guess. Yes. I'm going to guess that Caesar isn't the way we say it. I'm going to guess when I say I'd like a Caesar salad or, hey, Caesar just got stabbed by Brutus. I'm sorry, Brutus. What would you say?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Brutus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, for Christ's sake. Yeah, I'm going to say that you. I'm going to make up something that sounds. I'm going to guess how you pronounce Caesar. It's going to be off putting and not true. Let's see. Cesar.

[Jordan Schlansky]

A Cesar is in fact the ecclesiastical pronunciation. Congratulations. You grew up in religious settings. And that was how no one ever said Cesar. I want to say that was how they would have pronounced it. But of course, the original classical Latin during his actual time was geisar.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, you're an idiot. I have to change the topic because I am getting upset and I don't want to. But you keep saying ecclesiastical and no one says Cesar instead of Caesar. Nobody.

[Jordan Schlansky]

In Italian, it's Cesare. So I say Cesare.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you say, I'll have a Cesar salad?

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, I don't order that Dish. That's an American dish. And I don't. If I'm going to get a salad, I take it the European way. I don't.

[Conan O'Brien]

I hear you take it. I hear you take it the European way. You know why that's funny?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Is it a reference to anal sex?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, my God. That's not what I meant about.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, what else could it be?

[Conan O'Brien]

That's not what I meant at all. I said, I hear you take it the Italian way, meaning when you're ordering Italian food, you probably like it with an Italian pronunciation. I don't know why you went to anal sex and why you always seem to.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I have no response. I understand that you don't know why.

[Conan O'Brien]

But that's the sentence I'm just writing down. Conan wins another one. Conan wins another one. It's going very well. We're gonna take a little break, and when we come back, Jordan and I will be taking some phone calls. Sona, when you take a big trip with the family, and I know that you love to travel and your kids are getting old enough now where they like to travel, too. Yeah, that's true. Who looks after the house?

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's the thing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Nobody. And so I've actually been toying with the idea of maybe, you know, putting my house up on Airbnb, making some extra cash, having someone there. It's like you're hosting people. Exactly. It's like you're getting paid to travel. You can use the money that you get from putting your house up on Airbnb to help finance your trip. Exactly.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And you know what?

[Conan O'Brien]

There's people there that are looking after my relics. You have. A lot of people don't know this, but Sona has a lot of ancient Greek relics. Etruscan relics.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes, exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have a lot of sculpture from the Assyrian empire. Sona has billions and billions of dollars worth of ancient, ancient artifacts that have never even been looked at by archeologists. They should all be in a museum. They really should be.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

But it's nice when you're. When you're away, your home could be an Airbnb, and that's something to keep in mind. So your home, AKA your future Airbnb, might be worth more than you think. Find out how [e-mail] host everyone's got the big villain in their life. You know who mine is? Who? The person in my house that opens a vanilla yogurt a little bit, takes, like, one or two spoonfuls, and then closes that foil back up again. This is so passive. Aggressive. Cause it's just you and your wife. Yeah. Gotcha baby. I need just a little for my smoothie. Take the whole thing and leave it alone. It's not that big. She's the villain in my life. How do you sleep at night, honey? Well, you already know the answer. Mattress Firm. Mattress Firm will find you the right bed with their wide selection of quality mattresses at every price. Rest easy with Mattress Firm's 120 night sleep trial. Love it or your money back. You can sleep on this for 120 nights and then say maybe not and ship it back. I don't think so. You're going to love it. See a lower price somewhere else. Mattress Firm will match it with their low price guarantee. Wow. Get matched at Mattress Firm's Black Friday sale and sleep at night. Restrictions apply. See mattressfirm.com or store for details and text CONAN to 766693 for 100 bucks off your next purchase at Mattress Firm. Exclusion supply. There's nothing quite like the feeling of an upgrade when you're traveling. Well, as a T Mobile customer, you can take the perks with you. Check this out. Whether you're going on a weekend getaway to the mountains or let's say you're on a dream vacation or in my case a work trip to Thailand. It's just fantastic. Let me explain. It starts the moment you take off with free in flight wifi so you can stream your favorite show on the go. I mean that's incredible. That is actually pretty sweet. I love that. I mean that's insane. I'm always there with my credit card, you know, I can't figure it out. I lose the credit card, the phone is stolen, someone punches me, you start crying. I cry a lot. When you land, T Mobile's got you covered with 15% off all Hilton brands and an upgrade to Hilton Honors Silver. Plus you're covered with five gigabytes. Five gigabytes. That's more than 4 of high speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. With the Go 5G or next plans. These are just a few of the perks that feel like big wins when you travel with T Mobile and it's nice to stay connected to your family. I travel a lot. I do these travel shows and if I'm filming another country, I know I can get to my family right away. They usually don't want to speak to me. But they screen your calls a lot, don't they? I suspect them of screening, yes. Find out how you can experience travel better@t mobile.com Travel Today qualifying plan required. WI fi where available on select US Airlines. Registration and Hilton Honors membership required for Hilton Honors Silver. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co host, Jordan Schlansky. We're gonna take some callers now, and these are people that have questions for you, Jordan.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, the first one is Danny. Danny, are you there?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Hi. Yes, I am.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, Danny, you are here. This is Conan O'Brien and you're. What part of Connecticut are you in, sir?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Actually, I just moved back to my hometown in Massachusetts. So I'm calling you tonight from Massachusetts.

[Conan O'Brien]

Where in Massachusetts, sir?

[Jordan Schlansky]

It's a small town in western Massachusetts called Peter Sam.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. I'm from Brookline, Mass.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And I'm a fan of Tanglewood in Lee Lennox area.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's Jordan, by the way. Danny. See, I can see you really perked up when he mentioned Tanglewood. Yeah, he's off putting. Danny, I'm just telling you that I'm somewhat familiar with, you know, Sturge Worcester.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And I'm somewhat familiar with Western Mass.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, Tangle. What you said. Because that's where you can go and watch a guy wave a baton around in the air.

[Jordan Schlansky]

The Mass Pike.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Anyway, Danny, hotspots. Yeah, yeah. This guy likes to go hang out by the highway. He likes to watch the toll booth people. He likes to watch the easy pass do its thing. Hey, Danny, you had a question for Jordan. What's the question?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I do. My question is, Jordan, have you used cannabis? No, I do not use cannabis. I find myself fulfilled by my own internal explorations. I don't need foreign objects or foreign stimulation in that respect. But that said, I have no judge, certainly no judgments against anyone that does use it. I do believe there are probably some benefits for me there, but I just have not explored it yet.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, Danny, stay on the line because I don't want to be alone with this guy. Danny, first of all, stay there. Jordan, do you think cannabis is the correct pronunciation?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, so Danny says something and it's fine. If I said it, you'd be like, it's cannabis.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, if he said Socrates, it wouldn't be fine.

[Conan O'Brien]

Danny, do you say Socrates or do you say Socrates?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I would say Socrates.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you, sir. You're a good man. Yeah, that's. That's good. So now, Danny, why did you ask Jordan if he used cannabis? What was the origin of that question?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I've been a big fan for a long time of both of you. I've watched a lot of your videos on YouTube and podcasts and everything. And. Well, I followed Jordan for a long time, and as somebody who got a lot of benefit out of using cannabis, I thought maybe. Maybe that's what he needs.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, this is interesting. Danny Jordan, what do you think? Here's someone who has a good sense of who you are, who's saying, you might want to try some cannabis.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I am. I don't know that I need anything. Nevertheless, maybe there's some benefit for me. I have not tried it yet, as I have not tried many substances. I certainly don't need cannabis to generate free thought. I'm not a victim of limited thinking.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I am a deep thinker, okay? That's what deep thinkers say. They go around shouting. Of course.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's, that's what they say because they're self aware.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's what Socrates said, you know, I'm a deep thinker. Over here, Danny. Oh, yeah. I think you can see the biggest question I get is, is Jordan real? And I always tell them, I swear to God, he. He's real. He really is, this guy. And sometimes I can sense that they don't believe me. Danny, do you believe now?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I do. I believe it. I was a little skeptical of myself, but I see it.

[Conan O'Brien]

I see it. I haven't seen him in quite a while. We bring him in, we start talking. Everything. I mean, unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. You are real and the world needs to know. Kong exists. Kong exists and will be displayed. Danny, thank you very much. I'm going to move on to the next caller, but it was nice talking to you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Thank you, Danny.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, let's move on to our next caller now. Our next caller is Esther from Los Angeles. Esther, are you there? Hi.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Sorry, that took a minute.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm here. Oh, hi, Esther. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm good. This is Conan O'Brien, and this is the Conan and Jordan Show. This is the first episode and maybe the last because I want to kill him right now. We've been at each other's throats for the better part of an hour. But, Esther, I understand that you had a question for Jordan first. Let me ask you, where are you in Los Angeles? I work in Santa Monica, but I.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Live in Long Beach.

[Conan O'Brien]

Very nice. Nipomo, California. Beautiful. And what do you do? I work at a private school here in Santa Monica. Oh, very cool. Very good for you. I love Santa Monica. It's gorgeous down there. Esther, I understand you have a question. Are you familiar with Jordan Schlansky? I am. Okay. My apologies, Esther. Do you have a question for Jordan? He's right here, and he's an open book. Okay. My question for you, Jordan. Thank you again for taking my call. Were you scared of anything as a child? And if so, are you still? That's a great question. I love that question, Esther. Were you scared of anything as a child, and if so, are you still?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't have any irrational fears that I can remember. I would be scared of things that any human being would be scared of. The force of gravity, sharp objects. But if I were to think about a recurring nightmare, there's always been the loss of teeth, although I've never lost an adult tooth. And plane crashing. But I'm not afraid to be on a plane. I have nightmares about being on the ground and watching a plane crash.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, what's scary about that? You get to shoot it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Certainly not a pleasant experience.

[Conan O'Brien]

You get to shoot it with your phone and then sell it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

To see an empathy for human beings and to know that human life was inevitably lost in the procedure, I find that procedure. Yeah, the procedure of the plane crashes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Who calls a plane crash a procedure?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I call it a procedure, okay? The event you'll make fun of, like the Zeppelin tragedy from decades ago. But I understand that lives were lost.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about?

[Jordan Schlansky]

The Hindenburg tragedy.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't make fun of that. I never have.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You do the radio broadcast?

[Conan O'Brien]

Why not? Why would that be funny?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, that's my question. You do the radio, but play the tape. You do the radio of the guy in the 40s because you got that voice.

[Conan O'Brien]

It was actually the 30s.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, okay, so do it.

[Conan O'Brien]

It was late Christmas, New Jersey. I would not. I don't find that funny at all.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Are you denying that you've done the voice?

[Conan O'Brien]

I totally deny it. I think it's terrible. I think it's terrible. It's a terrible tragedy.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You've done the voice?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, that's that Zeppelin made in. I think Hitler's Germany crashed, and I think. Terrible tragedy.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

So? I don't know what you're talking about. Let's get back to Esther's question. She asked you, were you afraid of anything as a kid? Just before you start talking, just close your eyes and think. Take me back to your think.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Unless otherwise specified, I'm a deep thinker. Unless you hear otherwise, you can assume that anything I say, I've thought deeply about, okay? I'm not someone that just blurts things out. Do you understand? My mind is a factory. My mind is working at breakneck speed. I did consider. I Considered the question. I don't feel like I had any unusually prominent fears. I. But I told you my nightmares, which was the best answer I can come up with.

[Conan O'Brien]

Loss of teeth I think means something. Eduardo, maybe. Maybe look that up. Eduardo has access to what I refer. What I refer to as the Internet. Yeah, earlier you said what you refer to as the Internet.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Freak. Loss of teeth means something and Eduardo's not going to tell us.

[Eduardo]

It says it could mean from a.

[Conan O'Brien]

Major life change to a lack of self esteem, from the fear of getting older to money issues, from symbolizing rebirth, regretting something, you've said.

[Eduardo]

So that's all that it could mean.

[Conan O'Brien]

What rings to me is lack of self esteem. And I'm just going to say, and this is just a stab, but people that constantly assert their knowledge and say things like, I'm a deep thinker over and over and over again, maybe you're worried that they are missing something. Maybe they're worried on some level. It's called overcompensation.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Maybe I am over and maybe I'm not.

[Conan O'Brien]

Terrific. Esther? Yes. Are you still there? I can't believe. You're a very patient teacher. I have to say you're a saint for sitting through that. Do you think you got an adequate answer from Jordan? And don't be afraid to tell us the truth. I don't know the word is adequate, but it's exactly what I expected, so I expect nothing less. Right, Right. You went up to a broken pinball machine and had the experience you thought you were going to have. Well, Esther, thank you very much. And a quick note from me, thank you for I think what teachers do is so important and so amazing and you sound like a cool person, so thank you for all that you do. Thank you. All right, take care, Esther.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Thank you, Esther.

[Conan O'Brien]

You too. Yeah, and Jordan says thank you, too.

[Jordan Schlansky]

She heard.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. All right, moving on. We have another caller. This gentleman is named Dan Gursky. He's from Fallbrook, Montana. Dan Gursky, are you on the line? I'm here with Jordan Schlansky.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, hi, guys. Hey. Hey, Conan.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, it's just Conan, not Conan. Hey, Dan, how are you doing?

[Eduardo]

Well, thanks.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you have a.

[Eduardo]

It's Gersky. G, U, not G, E, S, R, S, K, I, not Y. Yeah, I got it.

[Conan O'Brien]

G, E, R, S, K, Y. G, U, R, G, E, R, S, K.

[Eduardo]

Y, R, S.

[Conan O'Brien]

Dan, do you understand that it's pronounced the same, so.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, I know, but the spelling is.

[Eduardo]

The spelling is quite different. And I know your producer was getting it wrong a lot. So I just wanted to clarify that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Dan.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I've never said his name. I've never written it. I've never said it. Never even heard it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did he?

[Eduardo]

I don't know.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't think you were. No, I think you were.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, a different producer.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think you were talking about a different producer. We established just now that Jordan probably feels inadequate and, and he dreams a lot about losing his teeth. And we realize that that means inadequacy. And that's why when they said that maybe a producer made a mistake, he thought we were talking about him. Even though no one said you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Jordan, there are two of us here. One of us is a producer.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, Frank Smiley is here. Producer, you know, so that was my mistake.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I apologize, Mr. Gursky.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Anyway, you're calling from Montana, and do you have a question for Jordan Schlansky?

[Eduardo]

Yeah, I mean, I'm not even sure this is the right outlet for my question. I mean, I mean, I'm a first time caller on the show and a first time listener. I haven't listened to it before.

[Conan O'Brien]

So this is the first episode we've done of the show, the Conan and Jordan Show. So we've never done one before. And quite frankly, I'm not sure we'll ever do another one. I'm seconds from bashing his face in with a mallet. Yeah, but do you have a question more and more? What's that?

[Eduardo]

Yeah, my question is, it's again, I don't know if this is the right outlet. I live in Fallbrook, Montana, about 123 miles outside of Missoula.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, okay.

[Eduardo]

And, yeah, population of 20, I think 29,000. Small town, but I have an opportunity to work in Rampart's garage and towing. It's a, it's a, it's like one of the two garages we have in our town. You know, it's reputable.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

And they asked if I have any, you know, electric car or just newer car experience. And they're all computerized now. And, you know, I have, I have some knowledge, but mostly I, you know, I work with the older cars. I have ratchet wrenches and stuff, but I mean, I don't even know. I guess my question is how long can I fool them without my knowledge?

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean, you're being asked. I see modern cars, of course, have very complex electronic systems. And you're an old school guy, Dan. You've got the socket wrenches, the ball peen hammers, you've got all the Tools that people could use to work on cars in the 50s and 60s, maybe even into the 70s. But then it gets tricky. So the question.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, I mean, like, I don't know. I don't know if, like, is the air pressure and the tires the same with, like, a computerized vehicle, or do they fill themselves with it? I don't want to, like, start pumping air into a tire.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you want to take care of this?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, like a 35 psi. Pounds per square inch. But I. I'll tell you this.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, thanks for saying that. Psi is pounds per square inch.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't assume that everyone knows these abbreviations. I think people overuse abbreviations and acronyms. Do you know what laser stands for? Do you know what raider stands for, Dan?

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you know what those things stand for?

[Eduardo]

I'm just. I'm just trying to call to get a. Hang on a minute.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Oh, I see. Oh, Dan, you're under the gun. I understand you've got a car you're working on.

[Eduardo]

I don't know about the psi stuff. You know, I'm not measuring inches and, you know, the weight of the oxygen and per square.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

But I. I just kind of curious about, you know, is there. Is there something I can do in a garage?

[Conan O'Brien]

Is there something that he can do in a garage with his limited knowledge, with my tools. With his tools that I have.

[Eduardo]

Because I don't want to be. I don't want to be, you know, jerking this guy around on this chain and not kind of know how to.

[Conan O'Brien]

You don't say jerking this guy on his chain. You just say jerking his chain. Dan.

[Eduardo]

Not. Not here in Fallbrook.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, no, no.

[Eduardo]

All different here.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, in Fallbrook, you say jerking a guy around on his chain.

[Eduardo]

That's one of the things we say around here.

[Conan O'Brien]

I bet it is.

[Jordan Schlansky]

For sure. You.

[Eduardo]

You never been to Fallbrook. I'll tell you that.

[Conan O'Brien]

I have not. I've been to Missoula. I've been to Missoula, Dan.

[Eduardo]

Missoula is another animal of a different kind. Man, you're parking up the wrong dog there.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, Dan, I guess what you're asking, and Jordan, is if you're not familiar, I mean, maybe Jordan. Do you think he should be working with.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Here's my answer for Dan. All right, listen. I respect tradesmen more than most people would realize. I think that some tradesmen are masters of their craft. I had a Mazda RX7 in the 90s, and it had a hole in the muffler I needed.

[Eduardo]

Look, Jason, I appreciate, you know, the knowledge that you say you have. But I just need an answer. I mean, it's just.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, it takes knowledge to give the answer, and there's a, There's a reasoning behind.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, Jordan, can I say something? Jordan, be. He's calling in, and you are the host of a show, guys, and you're kind of yelling out your problems.

[Eduardo]

Iron out your problems. I, I, can I, I don't know if I really don't have time. Just yes or no. Can I use my Stanley ratchet wrench? Can I fool somebody like that?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't know that you'd be fooling anybody by using a Stanley ratchet wrench. I'm going to assume that's an American imperial measure, not a metric measure. Nevertheless, you'll probably be working on both foreign and domestic cars. Yeah, I think you can get to work there with your ratchet wrench. And if there are electronics or modern computer technology to be learned, I think it'll be learned on the job. I would support this venture.

[Eduardo]

Would you write that down for me?

[Conan O'Brien]

I did. I've got.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Been recorded.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've got the whole thing. Hey, Dan, let me ask you, did you feel like Jordan was kind of. I don't know what the terminology you'd use.

[Eduardo]

I'll tell you what I'd use. I tell you that I felt like he was impatient with me and I know it all.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, he said know it all and he's impatient. The way he talked to you. He. First of all, he says, I have great respect for tradesmen. And then he lectures you in a rude way, which I, which I thought was insulting.

[Eduardo]

Totally down on that. Totally down on that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

Well, I mean, I could call in and, you know, I could call any podcast.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, there are not one of this quality. I mean, this is, this is. And this isn't a podcast, actually, we're on serious about. This is serious radio. So this is not some podcast. This is, you're talking to, you know, millions of people right now, listening in cars, driving, and this is a big deal. So the people you're talking to right now care about cars and respect your work, Dan. Not like Jordan here, who, I'm sorry, I think just talked down to you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I didn't interpret the interaction that way at all. I only wanted to compliment him.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I say yes, I think you can probably fuck around with that wrench, walk around, say some Bibble babble and probably get them out the door and get your money. And then later on, if something goes wrong, say, well, looked okay when I saw It. You know what I mean?

[Eduardo]

See, I understand. You know, I understand Jason and sarcasm, but yours is just totally unappreciated.

[Conan O'Brien]

What? I was not being. I was not being sarcastic.

[Eduardo]

Play it back, Play it back, Play it back.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is there a way to play that? No, I don't think we need that in real time. It's live, Eduardo. Did you think I was being. Not at all.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, this is a bit.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about?

[Jordan Schlansky]

This guy's, like, in, like, Los Feliz right now. You understand that?

[Conan O'Brien]

Who do you think this is?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Clearly a bit. Is this Dana Carvey gonna walk in here right now with, like, it's Dana Carvey on?

[Conan O'Brien]

Does that sound like Dana Carvey to you?

[Jordan Schlansky]

The man is a master at impressions, I'm telling you.

[Eduardo]

Impressions?

[Jordan Schlansky]

What kind of comedy professional are you? Clearly a bit.

[Eduardo]

It.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, yeah. Like, yeah. Okay, guys. Yeah. You know what?

[Eduardo]

Dana.

[Conan O'Brien]

Dana Carvey's most famous impression is Dan Gersky.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You understand now that you work in radio, you're going to get callers that do bits. You understand you're getting trolled. Do you not realize that you're coming from the world of television where you're incredibly protected? Now you're exposed. You're being trolled right now, and you're.

[Conan O'Brien]

Answering this man sincerely, no, I believe this man. I believe this man exists. Dan Gersh.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Ask me, is it ski or sky. Okay, is it Polish?

[Conan O'Brien]

Russian?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Was the territory part of Russia or Union of Soviet Socialist Republics? Or was it part of Poland, where your. Where's your family from? Gursky, this is clearly.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is how you talk to people.

[Jordan Schlansky]

How are you being so gullible?

[Conan O'Brien]

This is a terrible show. This is the. We're supposed to welcome our listeners.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Gursky respects me, whatever his real name may be. He respects me because I'm talking to him now like an equal. He's looking at you, laughing at you. You're so gullible. You're answering earnestly about the tool set he should bring to work in Billings, Montana?

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you feel respected when Jordan screamed at you?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Are you near Interstate 80, Gursky, in Montana? How far are you from 80? You're about 123 miles west of Missoula, did you say? Or was it East?

[Conan O'Brien]

St.

[Eduardo]

You going to give me a chance to talk, or you just go babbling on with your Mr. Know It all big word?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm asking you the questions, Gursky. Tell me the answer to the question.

[Conan O'Brien]

First of all, call him Dad.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I took. I made an effort to learn his Last name. He clearly was important to him. Of course I'm going to address him by his last name.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, that's.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No. Is it Ski or Sky? Because our producer probably got that wrong, too.

[Eduardo]

Listen to me, bozo, you tell me.

[Conan O'Brien]

How I spell my name.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Is bozo a term that they use in your area of Montana?

[Conan O'Brien]

Excuse me, Dan. The Greeks call it bozo kablooey. Dan, welcome.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Welcome to radio. Welcome to Radio.

[Conan O'Brien]

Look at his eyes.

[Jordan Schlansky]

25 long years in luxurious television and now look at you here. You got Gursky on the line trolling you. You're coming out from all innocent. I'll answer your question, Dan. I'll answer your sincere question. Welcome to radio, friend.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I.

[Eduardo]

You know what that sound is?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Go ahead, Gursky, what do you got.

[Eduardo]

Do you know what that sound is you're hearing?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I heard the question. What's the answer?

[Eduardo]

The answer is, how do you spell my name? How do you spell my name?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Are we still. Are we still treating this like a sincere question? What's the. What's the bit here, guys?

[Conan O'Brien]

Answer.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Answer the man's question. I'm going to say.

[Eduardo]

I want to make sure you listen to the question and you're not just running around in circles with your fancy two bit words.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You sound like. I'm going to say. You sound like what we would call a gentile. So I'm going to say your ski. And I'm going to say that your gu.

[Conan O'Brien]

Are.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Because you just sound like a You kind of guy. Not in Conan.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, Conan.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

This dude canceled right away.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know.

[Eduardo]

Me a gentile. I know right away you.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're calling, you're yelling at him. Hey, Gursky. Hey, Gursky. What are you, a gentile? I mean, that's no way to do the inaugural episode, guys, I'm going to.

[Eduardo]

Ask you the question one more time.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, sir?

[Eduardo]

Can I get away with using my Stanley ratchet set?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes.

[Eduardo]

I told you, Garage and Towing. That's all I wanted to know. I didn't want this little, you know, bratty girly girl fight around you guys and just, you know what I'm saying?

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, Dan, I think it's time for people to know, and I hope you're okay with this, that this is not. Dan.

[Eduardo]

What?

[Conan O'Brien]

Dan. You know, Dan, you're a real prick sometimes. You know that about yourself, don't you?

[Eduardo]

You talking to me or the last caller?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't even know anymore. Dan, you've. Dan Gerski is actually. He's a. Yeah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What's the Reveal the reveal.

[Eduardo]

Me, Dan Gerski. What are you talking about? D, not E, S, R, K. Not.

[Conan O'Brien]

I, Y. Dan Gerski happens to be a good friend and one of the funniest people I know. Kevin Nealon.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, Kevin, what are you talking about? I'm sorry, Dan. I was just doing a little bit here.

[Eduardo]

I thought when you guys stop with this foolishness, I'm embarrassed. Conant even say this as Kevin Nealon. I never get this. I'll never get this time back to my life.

[Conan O'Brien]

How are you, Kevin? You doing okay?

[Eduardo]

I was.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, thank you for calling in. When are you and I going to go out? You know that place you love to go where I always buy you the hash browns? When are we going to do that again? Hello? Hello? Anyone there?

[Eduardo]

If I ever get off of this call, maybe we could do that sometimes.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right. Okay. Sorry, it's a busy man. All right. Well, Jordan, can you say goodbye to Kevin Nealon?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Goodbye, Kevin. Thanks for joining us.

[Eduardo]

You know what? There's a little red thing down here that says leave, and then there's another one that says never come back again. You know which one I'm going to hit. You know which one I'm going to hit.

[Conan O'Brien]

I have a feeling I know which one you're going to hit.

[Eduardo]

That's right.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love you, Kevin. Look me in the eye. All right. Bye.

[Eduardo]

Bye.

[Conan O'Brien]

That was a fun little excursion.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, you guys pulled out all the stops. I am honored you recruited a celebrity. I'm flattered.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's one of my favorite funny people of all time. And hilarious.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I agree. I'll say sincerely about Kevin Nealon. He's a guy. He's a dry guy, which is exactly the type of humor that I love.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes. He's very good. He's sharp, he's funny. You know what? I'm going to end this episode here because I'm going to say something. You and I, we fought nonstop. We bickered, we disagreed, we shouted each other. I was angry at you. I think, at times, to be honest, you were kind of irritated and angry with me. But then at the end, we agreed that Kevin Nealon has a really. Is one of the great dry wits of all time. And I think it's nice to end on a point of agreement. So this was. Wasn't this nice?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Geez. What do you think? Should we. I think we should wrap up the first ever Conan and Jordan show. This was a lot of fun. The music. Hit the music if you have to.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Same closing theme as opening or did you go with something else. Let's hear what's.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's listen.

[Jordan Schlansky]

16Th notes on the hi Hat. Just with one hand. Right hand.

[Conan O'Brien]

I bet you're good with one hand.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And then you got some hi Hat chokes right there. And another one here.

[Conan O'Brien]

I can't hear them if you're doing it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I'm enhancing it.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, let me just hear it without you going.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm telling you. Deconstructing.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't hear them. Show me where they are now.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You want me to do it again?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Forget about the hi hat jokes. Just listen to the.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm not listening to the joke.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is like a powerful, unapologetic song.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I think there should be some apologies, but that's.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is recorded at le Studio outside in Quebec, Canada. Outside of Montreal. This is in the wilderness.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's great.

[Jordan Schlansky]

All right, well, 1981.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Track one of seven.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, yeah. Goodbye, everybody. I'm gonna go outside and start running.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Much like Rush went outside at le Studio to record the opening of Witch Hunt.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, I'm out. Bye. This was the Conan and Jordan show over.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Fall is in full swing, and that means whiskey season. Whistlepig Whiskey has the world's best aged rye and bourbon whiskey. For your favorite fall cocktail, try a maple Old Fashioned with Whistle Pig's piggyback rye and barrel aged maple. Both [e-mail] shop. Use the code CONAN for 10% off your order at whistlepigwhiskey.com Shop. Stir sip and thank the pigs it's whiskey season. Cheers.

[Conan O'Brien]

The new Sonic Queso Smasher is now available. You're going to want to try this. They made the Sonic Smasher you love because you do love your Sonic Smasher, don't you? Sonic? I love sonic smashes and I love queso. Yeah, well, guess what? They took the Sonic Smasher you love and they added the new creamy Queso in Hand Smash patties. Made to order. Just makes my brain explode. I just saw your brain explode. And queso came out. The Sonic queso smash is the perfect combination of Angus Patty's creamy queso jalapenos and a southwest aioli. Sounds like juicy goodness to me. All that's left to do is choose a double or a triple. Make mine two triples. That's a sex tuplet. The new Sonic Queso Smasher. Live free. Eat Sonic.