Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Episode: "We Have A Condom For That"

Date: February 5, 2026
Host(s): Conan O’Brien, Sona Movsesian, Matt Gourley
Guest: Noah, Condom Size Specialist at One Condoms

Overview

In this playful yet surprisingly informative episode, Conan O’Brien, co-hosts Sona Movsesian and Matt Gourley, and guest Noah (a Condom Size Specialist) delve into the world of condoms—sizes, technology, and all the awkward, hilarious moments that come with the territory. The episode balances Conan’s irreverent humor with genuinely interesting insights into sexual health, condom engineering, and the societal taboos around discussing penis size.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Hometown Bonding and Introducing Noah

• Conan kicks things off by confirming Noah’s Massachusetts roots, launching into a brief (and purposely dull) local geography chat before pivoting to the real topic.
• [01:44] Conan: “I just wanted to make sure that we were super boring up front. And we were. Now, do you ever take Route 9?"

2. What Exactly Is a Condom Size Specialist?

• Noah reveals his role at One Condoms, describing his daily work in both education and analytics regarding penis size.
• [02:48] Noah: "I am a condom size specialist for a condom company."
• [03:24] Noah: "Half my job is talking penis size, the other half is analyzing penis size."
• Joking ensues about “dream jobs” and turning hobbies into careers.
• [03:45] Noah: “I’ve been obsessed with penises for 10 years now, so it’s just great.”

3. The 52 Sizes of Condoms

• One Condoms offers 52 condom sizes, far beyond the standard small/medium/large perception.
• Discussion about the actual physical range of products, demonstrated visually for the hosts (much to their delight).
• [04:20] Noah: "We have 52 different condom sizes."
• [04:33] Sona: “Yeah. Small, medium, and large.”
• Jokes about absurdly large sizes (“Mount Kilimanjaro,” “Christmas tree delivery”) pepper the dialogue.
• [04:42] Conan: "Excuse me. I'll have the Mount Kilimanjaro, please. No questions asked."

4. The Science & Issues of Condom Fit

• Problems of poor fit: condoms too large can slip off, condoms too tight can constrict blood flow and ruin the mood.
• [09:31] Sona: "It could just like come off if it's the wrong size or squeeze your little pee pee..."
• [10:15] Noah: "If the condom is too tight, a lot of times that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sex."
• Noah brings and references infographics and graphs—at the ready even for "family dinners."

5. Condom Technology Innovations

• Focus on “heat transfer” for sensation, new materials like graphene for conductivity, creating more intimacy.
• [08:11] Noah: "Latest development... is focusing on heat transfer. So... we made a condom using graphene... people feel more of their partner's body heat."
• Lots of comedic riffing about “mittens” and body temperature.
• [08:58] Conan: "In my day, that's what I used to call them. I'd say, give me a second, I gotta put my mittens on."

6. How to Measure—And Order—the Right Condom

• Noah describes the custom measuring tool One Condoms ships to customers, making the process simple and anonymous.
• They recommend measuring when "fully engorged."
• [12:16] Noah: "We created our very own penis measuring tool right here to measure both girth... and length."
• The group riffs on what one might use to get “engorged” (Conan: "You really better be watching something good, you know, like an early Mannix." [12:56])

7. Social Taboos, Embarrassment, and Humor

• Phone consultations are common; most callers are quiet, embarrassed, sometimes calling from work bathrooms.
• [19:09] Noah: "It's a lot of hush tones... I'm able to tell that they're either in the bathroom at work... or sneaking off into a corner."
• Discussion on whether callers lie about their size (“on a good day…”).

8. The Metric/Imperial System & Exaggeration

• Joking about using the metric system to make measurements sound more impressive.
• [20:25] Conan: "I like metric because it's a bigger number. Exactly. It’s just so great. I use millimeters just because... I got nine millimeters coming your way."
• Noah confirms he can usually spot when someone’s lying.

9. “Big Dick Energy”: Is It Real?

• Sona and Conan ponder whether you can tell by someone's voice or posture what size they are.
• Noah claims there are “a lot of Southern draws on bigger guys, a lot of people driving bulldozers, semi-trucks…” [23:11]
• [22:09] Sonam: "I mean, I think there’s a reason the term exists. You can tell that someone’s like, comfortable with themselves."
• Hosts riff on stereotypes, cars as penis metaphors, and self-deprecation.

10. Condoms in Pop Culture, Movies, and Beyond

• Matt shares that his “first experience” with condoms was making blood packs (squibs) for movies—an unorthodox introduction.
• Discussion on other uses and silly inventions for the future (pop rocks, Viagra-infused condoms).
• [25:26] Sonam: "The condom version of a Viagra pill where you put the condom on and it helps you."
• Noah confirms such requests are common but not currently in their product line.

11. Does Size Really Matter?

• Noah asks the perennial question.
• Sona: It's mostly men who are invested in size, not women.
• [26:35] Sonam: "I think it is. I think it does. It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are."

12. Praising Noah’s Work

• Conan earnestly commends Noah’s combination of knowledge and approachability.
• [28:22] Conan: "Well, listen, Noah, seriously, you are helping people. And you know what? I've always found, no matter what someone does, if they take it seriously and they're really knowledgeable about it, it’s fascinating."
• The team closes with jokes about Massachusetts and Shrewsbury, returning to the episode’s roots.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [03:45] Noah: “I’ve been obsessed with penises for 10 years now, so it’s just great.”
• [04:42] Conan: "Excuse me. I'll have the Mount Kilimanjaro, please. No questions asked."
• [08:11] Noah: “We made a condom using graphene... so people feel more of their partner’s body heat.”
• [10:15] Noah: "If the condom is too tight, that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sex."
• [12:16] Noah: “We created our very own penis measuring tool right here to measure both girth… and length.”
• [20:25] Conan: “I like metric because it’s a bigger number. I got nine millimeters coming your way.”
• [23:11] Noah: "There's a lot of Southern draws on bigger guys. There's a lot of people driving bulldozers, people driving semi trucks as they're talking to them."
• [26:35] Sonam: "I think it does. It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are."
• [28:22] Conan: "If they take it seriously and they’re really knowledgeable about it, it’s fascinating."

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:44 — Local Mass. banter and Noah's intro
• 02:48 — Noah reveals profession as condom size specialist
• 04:20 — Discovery of 52 different condom sizes
• 06:23 — Display of the physical size range
• 08:11 — Graphene and heat transfer condoms
• 09:31 — The practical problems with wrong condom sizes
• 12:16 — The penis measuring tool & how to use it
• 19:09 — Handling customer calls, embarrassment, honesty
• 20:25 — Metric/Imperial size embellishments discussed
• 22:09 — Debating “big dick energy”
• 23:11 — Stereotypes: Noah's ability to “guess” callers' size
• 25:26 — Brainstorming future condom innovations
• 26:16 — The perennial “does size matter?” debate
• 28:22 — Conan’s appreciation for Noah’s work
• 29:03 — Episode wrap-up and goodbyes

Tone & Closing Thoughts

The episode is classic "Conan": irreverent, clever, and peppered with quick-fire jokes, yet always anchored by curiosity and respect for the guest’s expertise. Both educational and hilarious, the conversation demystifies a subject often shrouded in awkwardness, validating the importance of proper sexual health, all while making listeners laugh.

Final words:
Conan [28:22]: "If they take it seriously and they’re really knowledgeable about it, it’s fascinating."
Sona: "You are helping people."
Noah: "A pleasure. Thank you for having me."