We Have A Condom For That

Summary

Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Episode: "We Have A Condom For That"

Date: February 5, 2026
Host(s): Conan O’Brien, Sona Movsesian, Matt Gourley
Guest: Noah, Condom Size Specialist at One Condoms

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Overview

In this playful yet surprisingly informative episode, Conan O’Brien, co-hosts Sona Movsesian and Matt Gourley, and guest Noah (a Condom Size Specialist) delve into the world of condoms—sizes, technology, and all the awkward, hilarious moments that come with the territory. The episode balances Conan’s irreverent humor with genuinely interesting insights into sexual health, condom engineering, and the societal taboos around discussing penis size.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Hometown Bonding and Introducing Noah

• Conan kicks things off by confirming Noah’s Massachusetts roots, launching into a brief (and purposely dull) local geography chat before pivoting to the real topic.
• [01:44] Conan: “I just wanted to make sure that we were super boring up front. And we were. Now, do you ever take Route 9?"

2. What Exactly Is a Condom Size Specialist?

• Noah reveals his role at One Condoms, describing his daily work in both education and analytics regarding penis size.
• [02:48] Noah: "I am a condom size specialist for a condom company."
• [03:24] Noah: "Half my job is talking penis size, the other half is analyzing penis size."
• Joking ensues about “dream jobs” and turning hobbies into careers.
• [03:45] Noah: “I’ve been obsessed with penises for 10 years now, so it’s just great.”

3. The 52 Sizes of Condoms

• One Condoms offers 52 condom sizes, far beyond the standard small/medium/large perception.
• Discussion about the actual physical range of products, demonstrated visually for the hosts (much to their delight).
• [04:20] Noah: "We have 52 different condom sizes."
• [04:33] Sona: “Yeah. Small, medium, and large.”
• Jokes about absurdly large sizes (“Mount Kilimanjaro,” “Christmas tree delivery”) pepper the dialogue.
• [04:42] Conan: "Excuse me. I'll have the Mount Kilimanjaro, please. No questions asked."

4. The Science & Issues of Condom Fit

• Problems of poor fit: condoms too large can slip off, condoms too tight can constrict blood flow and ruin the mood.
• [09:31] Sona: "It could just like come off if it's the wrong size or squeeze your little pee pee..."
• [10:15] Noah: "If the condom is too tight, a lot of times that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sex."
• Noah brings and references infographics and graphs—at the ready even for "family dinners."

5. Condom Technology Innovations

• Focus on “heat transfer” for sensation, new materials like graphene for conductivity, creating more intimacy.
• [08:11] Noah: "Latest development... is focusing on heat transfer. So... we made a condom using graphene... people feel more of their partner's body heat."
• Lots of comedic riffing about “mittens” and body temperature.
• [08:58] Conan: "In my day, that's what I used to call them. I'd say, give me a second, I gotta put my mittens on."

6. How to Measure—And Order—the Right Condom

• Noah describes the custom measuring tool One Condoms ships to customers, making the process simple and anonymous.
• They recommend measuring when "fully engorged."
• [12:16] Noah: "We created our very own penis measuring tool right here to measure both girth... and length."
• The group riffs on what one might use to get “engorged” (Conan: "You really better be watching something good, you know, like an early Mannix." [12:56])

7. Social Taboos, Embarrassment, and Humor

• Phone consultations are common; most callers are quiet, embarrassed, sometimes calling from work bathrooms.
• [19:09] Noah: "It's a lot of hush tones... I'm able to tell that they're either in the bathroom at work... or sneaking off into a corner."
• Discussion on whether callers lie about their size (“on a good day…”).

8. The Metric/Imperial System & Exaggeration

• Joking about using the metric system to make measurements sound more impressive.
• [20:25] Conan: "I like metric because it's a bigger number. Exactly. It’s just so great. I use millimeters just because... I got nine millimeters coming your way."
• Noah confirms he can usually spot when someone’s lying.

9. “Big Dick Energy”: Is It Real?

• Sona and Conan ponder whether you can tell by someone's voice or posture what size they are.
• Noah claims there are “a lot of Southern draws on bigger guys, a lot of people driving bulldozers, semi-trucks…” [23:11]
• [22:09] Sonam: "I mean, I think there’s a reason the term exists. You can tell that someone’s like, comfortable with themselves."
• Hosts riff on stereotypes, cars as penis metaphors, and self-deprecation.

10. Condoms in Pop Culture, Movies, and Beyond

• Matt shares that his “first experience” with condoms was making blood packs (squibs) for movies—an unorthodox introduction.
• Discussion on other uses and silly inventions for the future (pop rocks, Viagra-infused condoms).
• [25:26] Sonam: "The condom version of a Viagra pill where you put the condom on and it helps you."
• Noah confirms such requests are common but not currently in their product line.

11. Does Size Really Matter?

• Noah asks the perennial question.
• Sona: It's mostly men who are invested in size, not women.
• [26:35] Sonam: "I think it is. I think it does. It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are."

12. Praising Noah’s Work

• Conan earnestly commends Noah’s combination of knowledge and approachability.
• [28:22] Conan: "Well, listen, Noah, seriously, you are helping people. And you know what? I've always found, no matter what someone does, if they take it seriously and they're really knowledgeable about it, it’s fascinating."
• The team closes with jokes about Massachusetts and Shrewsbury, returning to the episode’s roots.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [03:45] Noah: “I’ve been obsessed with penises for 10 years now, so it’s just great.”
• [04:42] Conan: "Excuse me. I'll have the Mount Kilimanjaro, please. No questions asked."
• [08:11] Noah: “We made a condom using graphene... so people feel more of their partner’s body heat.”
• [10:15] Noah: "If the condom is too tight, that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sex."
• [12:16] Noah: “We created our very own penis measuring tool right here to measure both girth… and length.”
• [20:25] Conan: “I like metric because it’s a bigger number. I got nine millimeters coming your way.”
• [23:11] Noah: "There's a lot of Southern draws on bigger guys. There's a lot of people driving bulldozers, people driving semi trucks as they're talking to them."
• [26:35] Sonam: "I think it does. It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are."
• [28:22] Conan: "If they take it seriously and they’re really knowledgeable about it, it’s fascinating."

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:44 — Local Mass. banter and Noah's intro
• 02:48 — Noah reveals profession as condom size specialist
• 04:20 — Discovery of 52 different condom sizes
• 06:23 — Display of the physical size range
• 08:11 — Graphene and heat transfer condoms
• 09:31 — The practical problems with wrong condom sizes
• 12:16 — The penis measuring tool & how to use it
• 19:09 — Handling customer calls, embarrassment, honesty
• 20:25 — Metric/Imperial size embellishments discussed
• 22:09 — Debating “big dick energy”
• 23:11 — Stereotypes: Noah's ability to “guess” callers' size
• 25:26 — Brainstorming future condom innovations
• 26:16 — The perennial “does size matter?” debate
• 28:22 — Conan’s appreciation for Noah’s work
• 29:03 — Episode wrap-up and goodbyes

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Tone & Closing Thoughts

The episode is classic "Conan": irreverent, clever, and peppered with quick-fire jokes, yet always anchored by curiosity and respect for the guest’s expertise. Both educational and hilarious, the conversation demystifies a subject often shrouded in awkwardness, validating the importance of proper sexual health, all while making listeners laugh.

Final words:
Conan [28:22]: "If they take it seriously and they’re really knowledgeable about it, it’s fascinating."
Sona: "You are helping people."
Noah: "A pleasure. Thank you for having me."

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sonam]

Yeah. Fools.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sonam]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sonam]

Conan o' Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com call Conan. Okay, let's get started.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, Noah.

[Matt Gourley]

Welcome to Conan o' Brien needs a fan.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, Noah, how are you?

[Noah]

I'm doing very well. How are you doing?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I'm doing great. First things first, I understand you're in Massachusetts. Where are you? I'm from said area as well. Whereabouts?

[Noah]

So I was born and raised in Shrewsbury, which is just outside of Worcester. But right now I live in Woburn with my husband.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, okay. Very good. All right. I hail from Brookline, so I know these areas well. And all my family is from Worcester originally. So I know Shrewsbury as well. So I just wanted to make sure that we were super boring up front. And we were. Now, do you ever take Route 9? You ever used Route 9?

[Noah]

We might have to hijack all the time.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, all right. No, I'm moving on from that now. And I get to more fruitful area. There's a Volvo dealership. No.

[Noah]

Okay, let's get master now. It's Mazda.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, Mazda. Very good, Noah. We now know I know exactly where you live and there will be no more questions except for in a few minutes about the Boston area. I want to ask you what you do for a living. Let's talk about that.

[Noah]

Yeah, for sure. I am a condom size specialist for a condom Company.

[Matt Gourley]

Here we go.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, here we go.

[Sonam]

Are you hiring?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, excuse me. I'm going to get us right to the next. When you say Shrewsbury, come on, do you mean are you hiring? I think you probably took it in a better direction. Sona, am I understanding this right? You work for a company in penis size analytics?

[Noah]

Yes. I mean, I would say half my job is talking penis size, the other half is analyzing penis size.

[Matt Gourley]

Which do you prefer?

[Noah]

Surprisingly, the analytics part. I'd rather stare at a graph than some of the pictures.

[Conan O'Brien]

Isn't it great when your hobby turns into a job? Yeah, that's just the greatest thing in life, you know?

[Noah]

I mean, I've been obsessed with penises for 10 years now, so it's just great.

[Matt Gourley]

You know, you do what you love, you never work a day.

[Conan O'Brien]

Exactly. Exactly. So.

[Noah]

Exactly.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, let's get into this. Are you saying you work for a condom company? Is that right? Do you want to name the company or is the company not to be known?

[Noah]

No, I'm happy to name. It's one condom. So if you've ever seen a condom with a round wrapper, that would be us.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. And you make a variety of sizes of condom, Is that correct? How many sizes?

[Noah]

That's our bread and butter. We have 52 different condom sizes.

[Conan O'Brien]

52. I mean, I've always thought there's just hardly any size, you know, differences when you look at a condom. No, you think of there being.

[Sonam]

Yeah. Small, medium, and large.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Sonam]

And Magnum.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Wow. Sona, you are. Sona's on fire.

[Matt Gourley]

And Mount Kilimanjaro.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Excuse me. I'll have them out. Kilimanjaro, please. No questions asked. We'll need three guys to take it out to the car. You want us to load it in the back of the.

[Matt Gourley]

I'd like white glove delivery.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's like when you get a Christmas tree. I brought some bungee cords. Could you lash it to the roof?

[Matt Gourley]

Would you like a fresh cut? All right, listen, you must be tired of this.

[Sonam]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And listen, we want to be. You probably thought, oh, there's gonna be a lot of jokes and stuff. That's not the case in this interview. Um, we're gonna really get very serious. This is a serious topic. Penises, different sizes. And you must cater to the different sizes. Now tell me exactly 52 different sizes. What is the range? Say from smallest to biggest?

[Noah]

For sure. I actually brought some visual aids for us.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, this is good.

[Matt Gourley]

So does. Just look at her laser beam eyes.

[Noah]

So something we deal with a lot is we Work in a lot of education. So when people demonstrate how to put a condom on, a lot of times they have to just use like a dildo like this.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. All right.

[Noah]

Distracting.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's not distracting to me because that's the actual color of my penis. It is. It is bright red. It is bright red and translucent. Yeah.

[Noah]

It's got a suction cup on the end as well.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. It also detaches easily from my body and goes in my luggage when I travel. So so far, nothing you can show me is shocking. That's like seeing an old friend. Yeah. All right, so. So tell us. Yes. The range. What's the range?

[Noah]

So now we've actually come out with a range of demonstrators to kind of. Because all these demonstrators were just that big, fat, juicy whatever you get right there. So now we have essentially, I'll start with our snuggest range, which I'll pop up right here. This is a little demonstrator.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute.

[Noah]

Very nice. Very cute.

[Conan O'Brien]

Huge. And if we go to a huge. That thing's massive. I call that thing jumbo. Well, speaking of mine fits into one of those. Whoa.

[Sonam]

Whoa.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is our. Is that the biggest.

[Noah]

This is our biggest. So we sell condoms to cover a bigger penis than this. However, this is our biggest for demonstrated demonstration purposes.

[Conan O'Brien]

What is. Have you ever had someone call you up and it's clearly like something medically has gone horribly wrong? Meaning they have a penis that, you know, half of it's in the car still when they're talking to you? Do you know what I mean?

[Matt Gourley]

Like, it takes a right turn, a right angle turn.

[Conan O'Brien]

It takes a turn and then it takes another turn. There's a couple of right angles in there.

[Noah]

Oh, we've had 90 degree bends. We've had 90 to 40. Anything in between.

[Conan O'Brien]

So that's people that are trying to have sex with someone around a corner?

[Noah]

Essentially. Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Noah]

And we have a condom for that, but we'll help them out.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow. Does it have A1 condoms?

[Matt Gourley]

We have a condom for that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. So. Wow. Okay. And also you have, I'm guessing, different textured condoms. There's the ribbed condom. Has it. What's happening out there in condom technology that. That I would have missed out on?

[Noah]

That is a great question. So the latest development in condom technology would be focusing on heat transfer. So something we did recently is we made a condom using graphene, which is this kind of space age material that really helps with conductivity. So essentially we bond the graphene to the latex so people feel more of Their partner's body heat.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, so this thing is emitting heat? It's transmitting heat.

[Noah]

No, no, no, no. It's transmitting heat from your body to your partner's body.

[Conan O'Brien]

Those mitten warmers where you can put a setting on it and you know, everything unsexy.

[Matt Gourley]

She was getting all worked up over.

[Conan O'Brien]

Here, and then you just pulled it.

[Sonam]

Like the body and you're like, mittens. It's like mittens.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, that's. In my day, that's what I used to call them. I'd say, give me a second, I gotta put me mittens on.

[Sonam]

I think I gotta take the reins on them.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, first of all, Sona, you're like a sommelier. I'm kidding. You'd be a size 38. I'm getting notes of oak.

[Sonam]

Peach.

[Conan O'Brien]

Getting a little peach in there. So now why don't you tell us? I want to make sure that you can speak from your experience.

[Sonam]

Well, what I'm curious about, and this is a real question, because it sounds like you're saying that the fit is very. Is it. Because it could just like come off if it's the wrong size or squeeze your little pee pee or your big pee pee if it's too little. Like, what are the problems with the wrong size condoms?

[Noah]

For sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

That.

[Noah]

I mean, I have my graphs ready. I have my infographics right here by my side. There's basically what, five major issues? Six major issues. The big one is if the penis is smaller and we have a bigger condom on it. Essentially, the latex can get bunched up. It can pull out, like in the middle of the act. That's a really common complaint.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, but.

[Noah]

And what really the main issue is, is width wise and girth wise. Condom that's too tight for people. So if the condom is too tight, a lot of times that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sex. So really it's covering the full penis and then making sure it's comfortable. Because if it's not comfortable, how can you be expected to perform? You know?

[Sonam]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you bring that chart with you wherever you go? Yeah. Yeah.

[Noah]

Family dinners on the bus.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Well, everybody, happy Hanukkah. Oh, hey, and check this.

[Matt Gourley]

That's a good white elephant gift.

[Sonam]

The chart.

[Noah]

Yeah.

[Sonam]

Or the dildos.

[Matt Gourley]

The chart.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, that was a nickname. So this is incredible. This is something you've thought about a lot. And you'd think, I love the scientific angle, that science is always coming up with new things. Now, there were called rubbers many, many Years ago. Is that because they were initially made of rubber and now then they later were made of latex? What's the history of the condom?

[Noah]

I mean, there's still.

[Conan O'Brien]

We.

[Noah]

All of our condoms are made with natural rubber latex. So it's still a rubber. We still call them rubbers. Not my favorite term. It's not very sexy. Thank you again for bringing it in a very unsexy direction.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've. So far, I've. So far I've said so it's like a mitten. And I've also said, tell us about the history of condoms, of rubbers and so of rubbers. So I have. I might be the worst person to talk about this. Sona, again. You take Sona. Take it. Please take it. And I'm admitting I should just step away.

[Sonam]

Let's say I'm a dude and I want to get the right size for my dick. For my dick. Do I send you a picture and you're like, here's what you need.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. How do you know?

[Matt Gourley]

Put it next to a ruler. How do you do that?

[Sonam]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you need scale?

[Matt Gourley]

A quarter has to be in there.

[Sonam]

Yeah. Do we. What do we do?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, exactly.

[Sonam]

How do we do it?

[Conan O'Brien]

This is a good question. How does one measure so that they can order effectively?

[Noah]

So actually, we created our very own penis measuring tool right here to measure both girth in this fashion and length.

[Conan O'Brien]

And this looks like something that would come in a happy Meal. Yes.

[Matt Gourley]

Or like testing your pool water.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But doesn't it look like, oh, this is a great burger.

[Sonam]

Oh, look.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Noah]

So essentially we. We will ship these out. We offer samplers. So people. Because we have so many sizes, if you buy the wrong one, we want to make sure people get set up.

[Conan O'Brien]

And are they supposed to measure when they're fully. I'll use the term engorged. Is that when they're supposed to use it for the measurement?

[Noah]

Gorgement. As engorged as possible.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Okay. So you really better be watching something good, you know, like an early Mannix.

[Matt Gourley]

You've never met a woman I know, I was like.

[Sonam]

Or with someone who can get you engorged. You're just. You just want to. You're just talking about watching something.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. It's got to be a show from the 60s. It's got to be a detective show. Probably. There's your manics. You know, there's some hot ladies in those shows.

[Sonam]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sonam]

Loves me some couch life.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sonam]

It's so comfortable.

[Conan O'Brien]

IFT Mobile. It's great. And I always like to watch those survival shows.

[Noah]

And I like to get meat, a steak and then like a survival show.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. And the monster's eating the person. You like the meat. Pretend I'm the monster. Exactly. You're a sick guy. Check it [e-mail] magentastatus wow. Receive Netflix standard with ads while you maintain a qualifying line in good standing. See dashpass details in the tealife app. I'm under the gun all the time. Would you say so? Sona?

[Sonam]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Constant. Constant.

[Sonam]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sonam]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is something that I've been experimenting with for a number of years.

[Matt Gourley]

Experimenting with but never achieving.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean? No, I make them.

[Matt Gourley]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's a little bit of a. Hey, we all have hobbies. I don't laugh at your hobbies, Sona. I like to make a mold of my penis and then turn it into a volcano. A little model volcano. It's fun. Is that just me? I thought everyone did that. Eduardo, you've made some penis molds and tournament of volcanoes.

[Noah]

I don't do that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, you put little. It's really fun. You put little kind of trees and shrubs and put a little village at the base.

[Sonam]

Oh, there it goes.

[Conan O'Brien]

I apologize again.

[Matt Gourley]

Hold on, hold on.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think I broke it.

[Matt Gourley]

Your penis. Because I know that voice is. Your penis is a volcano talking in third person about itself erupting?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Sonam]

Okay, here I go.

[Noah]

Okay, I'm a volcano.

[Matt Gourley]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know when someone has a really lame Costume. And they just basically say, I'm a witch. But I'm also assuming my penis, it's.

[Matt Gourley]

Erupting out its mouth. So how's it speaking?

[Conan O'Brien]

First of all, it's like a ventriloquist. So it can drink a glass of water and speak at the same time. My penis often tours with a little dummy, and it can drink a glass of water or shoot lava as it's having the dummy say funny stuff. Anyway, again, this isn't where I thought this would go.

[Sonam]

Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Back to Shrewsbury now, shrew. They have a good mall there. Please, man. Um, okay, so when people call you for advice, are they very forthcoming about their penis? Are they comfortable talking about the size of their penis?

[Noah]

It's a lot of hush tones, a lot of. I'm able to tell that they're either in the bathroom at work taking the call or sneaking off into a corner.

[Conan O'Brien]

Be great if they just took it with a bunch of people there. Yeah. Hold on a second, gang. What's that? No, no, no. It needs to be really small or it'll fall off. No, no, I'm off small. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. That's fine right there. Yeah. More potato salad on my plate. Thank you.

[Matt Gourley]

Wait, I'm confused. Do you have, like, a hotline? How is this call being facilitated? You do.

[Sonam]

And you.

[Noah]

Yeah, One condom. S line.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow. Yeah.

[Noah]

I'm the size specialist. I am the resident size specialist.

[Matt Gourley]

Amazing.

[Conan O'Brien]

When someone's telling you, do you find that people lie, even though it might hurt their chances getting the right product? Do people. They get on the phone with you and they lie the way people lie to their doctor all the time when they say, how many drinks do you have in a week? They tend to shave off a bunch of drinks. And they should be honest with their doctor because you're talking about their health, but they still lie. Do you find that people call you up and they add a couple of inches? Do you go by inches or do you on the metric system? Back and forth.

[Noah]

Our customers prefer Imperial. And I like metric as well.

[Conan O'Brien]

I like metric because it's a bigger number. Exactly. It's just so great. You know, I use millimeters just because it's. I got nine millimeters coming your way.

[Matt Gourley]

Nine millimeter, that's like a pencil eraser.

[Conan O'Brien]

I got the big nine millimeter coming your way, baby. 17 nanometers of meat. I've got 144 quinto meters.

[Sonam]

Oh, God, no.

[Conan O'Brien]

You get that. Throw around some big numbers. Packing 0.7 grams of fish food. I Just came from Davos, Switzerland, and I'm packing 75 decihecameters. Okay, listen, I'm being stupid and I apologize, but people lie to you.

[Noah]

Yes. I mean, I'll get a lot of that. You know, I have a friend or such and such a lot of people. I think the go to is they'll say, on a good day, it's this many inches. On a bad day, it's this many. Whereas the good day is like a dream, essentially.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's kind of feeling down at the moment. It just had a bad day on the stock market.

[Sonam]

Oh, my God.

[Matt Gourley]

Talk it off the ledge.

[Conan O'Brien]

I went too hard into crypto.

[Sonam]

That's the dick talking again.

[Conan O'Brien]

I lost 9.9 centimeters. So, yeah, that's. That's crazy. But you can tell when they're lying?

[Noah]

Oh, yeah, I can almost the first word out of their mouth. I can basically guess what size they need and whether or not they're telling the truth.

[Sonam]

I was gonna ask you if big dick energy is an actual thing. And then if you, like, talk to someone on the phone, you're like, oh, yeah, this is a big. Oh, he's got a little one.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's okay. First of all, can women tell just by, like, big dick energy?

[Sonam]

I mean, I think there's a reason the term exists. You can tell that someone's, like, comfortable with themselves.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right, right, right. They know they're not going to tip over in a high wind, you know?

[Sonam]

Oh, my God. Like, it's a. It's a tripod. You're saying they're going to be supported? Yeah, I think.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think I'm quite confident. In this high wind, I shall not fall. Oh, my God. Well, anyway, so you can tell and you just. Do you ever walk around like a guy at a. Doing a party trick and just call out people's number?

[Sonam]

Oh, my God.

[Noah]

Yeah, just like this. I just can see right through the.

[Conan O'Brien]

On, like the old Carson Karnak hat, you know?

[Noah]

Oh, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow. So, well, Sona, you say you can tell?

[Sonam]

Well, I.

[Conan O'Brien]

But he.

[Sonam]

He's obviously way more educated in this field. He's an expert in this field. I'm just curious if like. Like when people call and you can tell that they're like, bigger or smaller, you could just tell by their voice and the way they're talking and stuff.

[Noah]

Oh, yeah. I mean, like, there's a lot of Southern draws on bigger guys. There's a lot of people driving bulldozers, people driving semi trucks as they're talking to them.

[Matt Gourley]

That's crazy, because I drove a Peter belt in here today and I'll tell you what, it was hard to get through the door sometimes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Shit.

[Sonam]

Oh my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I got here quite speedily in my Yugo.

[Sonam]

It's a two cylinder engine.

[Conan O'Brien]

It runs on bubble bath soap. My car is in my briefcase as I speak. Oh God. You see me driving along.

[Sonam]

Oh, geez.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, man, that was. Was fun. Anyway, look, I can joke because I'm quite happy with my situation.

[Matt Gourley]

The lady, and I do mean lady, don't protest too much.

[Sonam]

I think so.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about?

[Matt Gourley]

Hey, I got something crazy that my first experience with condoms was making blood packs squibs. Do you guys ever have. Because that's what they use for blood packs in movies. Do you ever have movies reach out to you?

[Conan O'Brien]

Why are you crying? You know what I love? I love that I was the guy who was taking this in unsexy direction. And then Professor Ner comes over here.

[Matt Gourley]

I stand by it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you know blood pack is made of a condom?

[Matt Gourley]

Do you know I didn't go to my 8th grade graduation dance cuz I figured out how to make blood pack squibs.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh my God. Oh my God.

[Matt Gourley]

That's BDE for you right there.

[Sonam]

Oh, boy.

[Conan O'Brien]

You don't have to answer that one.

[Matt Gourley]

You know what, you can answer off air.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, for sure. Cause I know you're gonna want to. Hey, what do you think is the next. What's the next advance in condoms? What do you think's coming up? I know there's the heat transfer, but let's look like 10 years in the future. Pop rocks. Will we even be. Yeah, exactly, Pop rocks. Something where when you ejaculate it triggers various like fireworks and stuff to stimulate both man and woman and man and man. Or woman and woman or man and woman.

[Sonam]

Or the condom version of a Viagra pill where you put the condom on and it helps you.

[Conan O'Brien]

What about that? That's a great idea. Yeah.

[Noah]

That is a common request. We get that very often as a condom with that built into it. Topical solution. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow.

[Matt Gourley]

Does that exist?

[Noah]

I would say they have like. I think you can like rub it on your hand like gels and creams. I don't know if they work. That's not something that we get into.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I think Sona should be working for you.

[Noah]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Because she's having great ideas left and I could. I think Matt and I should have nothing to do with this business.

[Noah]

No, I would agree.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Matt Gourley]

I think that's fair.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, did you have a Question for me. I'm an open book. And sometimes our people that call in have questions. You may not.

[Noah]

Yeah, I was. I wanted to know, do you think that size matters in general?

[Conan O'Brien]

Whoa. Well, that would be a question, I think, for the ladies. Don't you think, Donna?

[Sonam]

I mean, I'm a big, big proponent of. With what you do with what you've got. So I really like.

[Matt Gourley]

Size matters more to the man.

[Sonam]

I think so. I think it is. I think it does. It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are. I don't know. I mean, it's not like we're like.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is it big enough?

[Sonam]

Let's pull out a ruler and just check your girth and your size. It's just you. And you're in it. You're in it. You know, man, you're just in it. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

God, Yeah.

[Matt Gourley]

I think all our licenses have been revoked for erotic conversations today.

[Noah]

So we've learned that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. I mean, you. I don't know about these matters. I'm famously out of touch with my own body, and I very tightly wound and repressed, so I shouldn't even be speaking to you right now. In fact, I passed out a while ago.

[Noah]

This is an AI Conan taking over.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is an AI Conan took over. And the real Conan is at. Was at a hospital. He's at a UCLA facility. He's being worked on right now. They're trying to resuscitate him.

[Matt Gourley]

I do feel like we could do an hour with you, Noah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, we really could. You're a lot of fun to talk to, and it's a very. But guess what? Like, so many things. Yes, there's a lot of jokes to be made, and we've all had our fun te. But you're helping people. And I was going to say you're doing the Lord's work. I don't think that's the right thing to say in many ways, but, you.

[Matt Gourley]

Know, I mean, the.

[Sonam]

Well, the Lord makes the. The pees, and he's helping the pees.

[Matt Gourley]

What do you keep calling them?

[Conan O'Brien]

Pees.

[Matt Gourley]

He's shutting off the tap.

[Sonam]

Oh, I see what you're saying, but you're looking at it from, like, that's the only reason you do it when you know you can do it for other things.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have to shut. Cannot be for pleasure.

[Sonam]

What? Conan? No, sure can.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's only procreation.

[Sonam]

Oh, boy. Okay, Two Timers Club over here.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've had sex twice. Bingo. Both times.

[Sonam]

Two Timers Club. Oh, my God.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, listen, Noah, seriously, you are helping people. And it's a very. And you. You know what? I've always found, no matter what someone does, if they take it seriously and they're really knowledgeable about it, it's fascinating.

[Matt Gourley]

It really is.

[Conan O'Brien]

So now back to Shrewsbury. Oh, God.

[Matt Gourley]

Okay, that's all the time we got for today.

[Noah]

You just put a comment on the Shrewsbury.

[Conan O'Brien]

Honestly, what'd you say there, Noah?

[Noah]

I said I could do an hour on Shrewsbury, easy.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I think that would have been even more sensual. Actually, we had done that. If you've been to Shrewsbury, you know what I'm talking about, Noah. So cool to talk to you and thanks so much for reaching out to us. That's very cool.

[Noah]

A pleasure. Thank you for having me. It's so nice to meet you all.

[Conan O'Brien]

Nice to meet you too. What a lovely fellow.

[Sonam]

I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you, Noah.

[Matt Gourley]

Conan o' Brien needs a fan With Conan o' Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley Produced by me, Matt Gourley Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair Associate Talent Producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm Engineering by eduardo Perez get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign [e-mail] Conan Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O' Brien needs a fan Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Sonam]

Me too.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I'd think of them like, oh, that's for heartburn. But I'm wrong. Now, that's not just what they're all about. Oh yeah, apparently they have cold and flu medications as well. Yeah, which begs the question, have you heard of Alka Seltzer Plus? Ooh, I came across kind of angry there. I shouldn't have Alka Seltzer plus Effervescent tablets are designed to deliver fast cold and flu relief. Just drop the two tablets in water. Hear those bubblins burstings? That's bubbles bursting into action instantly ready to start providing cold and flu release fast. Perfect for when slowing down on sick days isn't an option. Next time a cold or flu strikes, reach for Alka Seltzer plus Cold and flu Effervescent tablets. Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral OTC products, use as directed.