Podcast
Confessions of a Parent Coach
Hosted by Ann Kaplan, Parent Coach · EN
Welcome to Confessions of a Parent Coach, the podcast where you'll learn that even parenting experts like me, Ann Kaplan, mother of four, and your host won't have all the answers. I believe that once you realize there's no such thing as a perfect parent, you can achieve fabulous behavior and amazing relationships with your kids.
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You're Important… But You're Not That Important
1w ago00:31:16Tap to summarizeWhat if the thing you're calling "responsibility" is actually a story keeping you exhausted? In this episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, Ann Kaplan talks about the mental load of motherhood, the sneaky trap of believing everything will fall apart without us, and why stepping away can be one of the most loving things we do — not just for ourselves, but for our partners and kids, too. Ann shares a confession from early motherhood, when she almost skipped a close friend's bachelorette trip because she believed no one else could possibly manage the baby, the routine, the meals, the diapers, the bedtime, and the ten thousand tiny things that make up a day. And honestly? It felt true. Not dramatic. Not optional. True. But when she finally went, the house didn't burn down. The baby survived. Her husband, Mike, got to parent without her hovering, correcting, or redirecting. And something shifted. He got to rise. She got to rest. Their relationship got stronger. And Ann got the slightly rude, very freeing realization that she was important… but not quite as load-bearing as she thought. This episode is for the parent who says, "I can't take a break," "I can't leave," "No one else will do it," or "It all lands on me." Ann gently pulls apart that story and shows how over-functioning can rob our kids, partners, and support systems of the chance to grow, contribute, and prove they're capable. In This Episode Ann explores: Why the mental load can feel like relief at first — until it quietly becomes a burden How "I can't" often sounds responsible but may actually be a limiting story Why letting your partner parent differently is not the same as letting them parent badly How taking space gives kids the chance to build independence, resilience, and resourcefulness Why over-responsibility can become a sneaky form of control How the Enneagram can help reveal the patterns and compulsions behind our "good parent" identity Why going on the retreat may be the growth work before the growth work Ann's Confession When Ann's oldest child was under two, she was invited to a close friend's bachelorette weekend. Her immediate response was: "I can't go." Not because she didn't want to. Not because no one was available. But because she believed she was the linchpin — the person holding the whole parenting operation together. A friend challenged that belief, Ann went on the trip, and she came home to a very inconvenient truth: everyone was fine. More than fine, actually. Mike had stepped more fully into fatherhood, her baby was okay, and Ann had proof that she could leave without everything collapsing. Key Takeaways You can be deeply important without being indispensable. Your family loves you. Your presence matters. And also, the world will keep turning when you take a break. Both things can be true. Over-functioning doesn't just deplete you — it can limit everyone else. When you do everything, manage everything, and correct everything, the people around you don't get as many chances to rise. Taking space can be a gift to your kids. When you step away in developmentally appropriate ways, your kids learn that other people can care for them, that you come back, and that they have more capability than they may have needed to access before. The story "I can't" deserves a closer look. Sometimes "I can't" means "I'm scared," "I don't trust anyone else," "I don't know who I am if I'm not needed," or "This doesn't feel like something a good parent would do." The Enneagram can help you see the pattern underneath the behavior. Ann connects this episode to her own Enneagram One patterns around duty, responsibility, goodness, and rightness — and how those patterns once made leaving feel almost morally wrong. Questions, Answered What is the mental load of motherhood? The mental load of motherhood is the constant invisible work of remembering, planning, organizing, anticipating, and managing what a family needs. In this episode, Ann describes how knowing the routines, meals, bedtime, behavior responses, and daily logistics initially felt like relief — but eventually became a burden she didn't realize she was carrying. Why do moms feel like everything depends on them? Many moms feel this way because they have become the default parent, the routine keeper, and the emotional manager of the household. Over time, this can create the belief that no one else can do things "right," even when other capable adults are available. Is taking a break from parenting selfish? No. Taking a break can be healthy and necessary. Ann explains that when parents step away appropriately, they give themselves rest and give their partners, children, and support systems a chance to build confidence and capability. How does over-responsibility affect parenting partners? Over-responsibility can unintentionally infantilize a parenting partner. When one parent always leads, corrects, or controls the process, the other parent may not get the opportunity to build their own parenting confidence and relationship with the child. How can the Enneagram help with parenting patterns? The Enneagram helps parents notice the deeper motivations behind their behavior. For Ann, recognizing her Enneagram One patterns helped her see how responsibility, duty, and wanting to be "good" had shaped the story that she couldn't step away. If this episode poked something tender in you — the part that says, "I can't leave," "I can't take a break," "I can't spend the money," or "No one else can handle it" — that may not be a stop sign. It may be the doorway. The retreat may be where you finally get to prove to yourself that you are allowed to be cared for, held, supported, and not completely in charge of every blessed thing for a few days. Reach out to Ann at annkaplancoaching.com or reply to the podcast email to talk through whether the retreat is right for you. Save your spot here https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat
Transcribe →The Universal Lesson Hidden Inside Your Most Difficult Relationships
2w ago00:34:04Tap to summarizeWhy do the same difficult relationship patterns keep showing up? Maybe it is with a parent, partner, child, friend, or coworker. The person may change, but the emotional experience feels strangely familiar. You feel triggered, misunderstood, defensive, or pulled into a version of yourself you do not want to be. Here's what's really going on: some of our hardest relationships reveal the deeper lessons we are still learning about ourselves. In this episode, Ann Kaplan explores how her relationship with her mother helped her understand one of her own lifelong patterns. As an Enneagram Type 1 raised by an Enneagram Type 8, Ann often felt caught between being direct enough to communicate clearly and being the "good person" she believed she needed to be. Through self-awareness, healing, and a deeper understanding of the Enneagram, Ann began to see that she did not need her mother to change before the relationship could change. This conversation is about more than personality types. It is about learning to recognize repeating relationship dynamics, understand what they activate inside us, and respond from a more grounded and intentional place. Because sometimes the universal lesson hidden inside your most difficult relationship is not about changing the other person. It is about becoming more fully yourself. What You'll Learn in This Episode Why the same relationship patterns often repeat with different people How your own unfinished emotional work can affect attunement Why understanding someone does not mean excusing their behavior How personality differences shape communication Why assertiveness can sometimes feel like being unkind What a boundary hangover can reveal about your beliefs How your healing can change a relationship dynamic Why growth often happens inside the relationships that challenge us most The Three Ideas at the Heart of This Episode This episode brings together three connected ideas: 1. The Patterns That Keep Repeating Many of us eventually ask: Why does this keep happening to me? We may find ourselves in similar conflicts, reacting in familiar ways, or feeling the same emotional pain across multiple relationships. These patterns are not proof that something has gone wrong. They often show us where our nervous system, identity, and beliefs are still trying to protect us. 2. The Lesson You Keep Encountering Each person has recurring emotional themes they return to throughout life. For Ann, one of those themes is the question of what it means to be good, right, kind, or moral. Her relationship with her mother repeatedly challenged her to explore whether she could be strong, direct, and assertive without believing she was a bad person. 3. The Relationship That Becomes the Classroom Some relationships continually bring our deepest beliefs to the surface. They may challenge our ideas about safety, goodness, love, power, belonging, or worthiness. This does not mean we should tolerate harmful behavior. It means difficult relationships can offer information about the parts of ourselves that still need care, clarity, and healing. Why Difficult Relationships Can Feel So Personal When someone communicates in a way that feels harsh, dismissive, controlling, or overwhelming, it can be difficult to see anything beyond their behavior. Our nervous system responds quickly. We may become defensive, shut down, lash out, overexplain, people-please, or withdraw. Behavior is information, not the whole problem. The deeper question is often: What does this person's behavior make me believe about myself? For Ann, conflict with her mother activated the belief that being forceful, angry, or direct meant she was bad. Once she began healing that belief, she became more able to communicate clearly without abandoning herself. Can One Person Change a Relationship? A relationship involves more than one person, but one person's growth can still shift the dynamic. When you become more aware of your triggers, regulate your nervous system, and understand your own patterns, you create more choice in how you respond. You may begin to: Communicate more clearly Set boundaries without as much guilt Stop overexplaining Recognize when you are reacting from fear Respond to the person in front of you instead of the past Let go of the need to prove you are right or good The other person may not change. But the relationship no longer has access to the same version of you. Understanding Attunement in Relationships Attunement means noticing what another person is experiencing and responding in a way they can receive. It does not mean agreeing with them. It does not mean abandoning your needs. It does not mean tolerating behavior that is unsafe or harmful. Attunement becomes possible when you are grounded enough to notice both the other person and yourself. As Ann shares in this episode, she could not fully attune to her mother while she was focused on protecting herself from what their interactions seemed to mean about her. Healing created more room for connection. The Enneagram and Relationship Patterns The Enneagram can help us understand the deeper motivations beneath behavior. Ann describes herself as an Enneagram Type 1, a type often concerned with goodness, rightness, responsibility, and integrity. Her mother is an Enneagram Type 8, a type often associated with strength, directness, independence, and power. The communication style that felt kind and thoughtful to Ann sometimes felt vague or untrustworthy to her mother. The communication style that felt honest and clear to her mother sometimes felt harsh or aggressive to Ann. The Enneagram helped Ann understand that neither person's communication style was automatically wrong. They were responding through different internal frameworks. That understanding created compassion, but the deeper transformation came through Ann's own healing. A Grounded Reframe Your most difficult relationship may be showing you: Where you still abandon yourself Where you confuse kindness with silence Where you believe boundaries make you unloving Where directness feels unsafe Where you need someone else to change before you can feel okay Where an old identity is limiting your choices Nothing has gone wrong. The repeating pattern may simply be pointing toward the place that needs your attention. Questions Answered in This Episode Why do I keep having the same relationship problems? Similar conflicts often repeat because different relationships activate the same internal beliefs, fears, or protective responses. Until those deeper patterns are recognized, the emotional experience can feel familiar even when the people are different. Can a difficult relationship improve if the other person does not change? Your healing can change how you participate in the relationship, which can shift the dynamic. However, you cannot control another person, and boundaries may still be necessary. Does understanding someone mean I have to accept harmful behavior? No. Understanding can create context and compassion, but it does not remove accountability or require you to tolerate harm. Why do I feel guilty after setting a boundary? Guilt after setting a boundary can come from old beliefs about what it means to be kind, loving, or good. The guilt does not necessarily mean the boundary was wrong. How does healing improve communication? Healing helps you respond with greater awareness instead of reacting automatically from fear, shame, anger, or self-protection. As you listen, gently consider: Which relationship repeatedly brings out a version of you that yo...
Transcribe →Why You Keep Denying Yourself the Thing You Want
3w ago00:27:31Tap to summarizeYou know that thing you genuinely want to do — the thing you know would make your life better? The parenting support. The break. The healing work. The boundaries. The retreat. Putting the phone down. Actually slowing down. So why are you still not doing it? In this episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, Ann Kaplan unpacks the surprisingly emotional reason we resist the very things we say we want. Using her own phone addiction as a starting point, she explores the deeper psychological pattern underneath self-sabotage, avoidance, procrastination, and "excuses" — especially for overwhelmed parents carrying too much mental and emotional load. This conversation goes far beyond productivity or discipline. Ann explains why we don't avoid change because we're lazy or unmotivated — we avoid it because some part of us believes we're getting something important from staying stuck. If you've ever found yourself saying: "I know this would help me, but…" "I just can't right now." "Maybe next year." "I don't have time." "I want this, but something keeps stopping me." …this episode is for you. In This Episode, Ann Talks About: Why we resist things we genuinely want The hidden emotional payoff behind self-sabotage What "excuses" are actually protecting us from Phone addiction, overstimulation, and avoiding stillness Why overwhelmed parents struggle to prioritize themselves The deeper reason personal growth work can feel scary Internal resistance, emotional avoidance, and nervous system patterns Why "doing the work" often feels both deeply wanted and terrifying How Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps uncover what's really going on underneath avoidance Why healing isn't about forcing yourself harder Key Takeaways 👉 If you're not doing something you deeply want, there's probably a deeper need being protected underneath your resistance. 👉 Most self-sabotage is actually self-protection. 👉 The goal isn't to shame yourself into change — it's to understand what your system is trying to do for you. 👉 Overwhelm, avoidance, procrastination, doom scrolling, and emotional reactivity are often attempts to regulate ourselves. 👉 The question isn't "Why can't I just do it?" The real question is: "What am I getting from staying where I am?" Ann's Confession Ann opens up about realizing she's genuinely addicted to her phone — despite fully knowing she feels happier, calmer, and more present without it. After accidentally leaving her phone at home during a dentist appointment, she experienced something many parents barely recognize anymore: presence. Instead of scrolling, she noticed: her breathing the silence of the waiting room melting snow outside the window her own thoughts And yet… even after experiencing how good it felt, she still found herself resisting making real changes. Why? That's the deeper conversation this episode explores. Questions This Episode Will Help You Reflect On Why do I keep denying myself things I say I want? What am I afraid would happen if I actually changed? What emotional need is my current behavior meeting? What am I getting from staying overwhelmed, reactive, distracted, or stuck? What would it look like to support myself differently instead of fighting myself? This Episode Is Especially Helpful If You're: An overwhelmed parent carrying too much emotional labor Struggling with phone addiction or constant overstimulation Interested in Internal Family Systems (IFS), self-awareness, or personal growth Feeling stuck between wanting change and resisting it Considering coaching, therapy, or deeper healing work Tired of surface-level self-help advice Craving more presence, calm, and self-understanding Ready for the Kind of Growth You Can't Get From Consuming More Content? If you're listening to this episode and thinking, "Okay… this is exactly what I do," you are not alone. The retreat was created for women who are exhausted from carrying everything, intellectually understand the work, but are craving the kind of spaciousness and support that allows real transformation to finally land. This is not five days of being "fixed." It's not performative healing. It's not pressure. It's a deeply supportive space to slow down, reconnect with yourself, uncover what's actually underneath the patterns you're stuck in, and experience what it feels like to stop white-knuckling your life for a minute. If you've been circling this work for a while, considering coaching, or quietly telling yourself, "I know I need something deeper than what I'm doing right now," this may be your sign to stop pushing that knowing away. You can learn more or reserve your spot here: https://annkaplanparentcoach.com/retreat Questions about payment plans or whether it's the right fit for you? Reach out anytime. No pressure. Just conversation. Share This Episode If this episode made you feel painfully seen in the best possible way, send it to someone who keeps saying they're "too busy" for the very thing they desperately need. Sometimes the resistance is the clue.
Transcribe →Why Retreats Change Us: The Hidden Cost of Staying "Nearsighted" in Life & Parenting
4w ago00:26:07Tap to summarizeWhat if the thing you keep talking yourself out of is actually the thing your soul needs most? In this deeply personal episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, I'm unpacking a question I genuinely don't have a perfectly polished answer for yet: Why do we so often say yes to things that drain us… and no to the things that could truly nourish and transform us? As I prepare for my annual parenting and personal growth retreat in Michigan, I found myself reflecting on the strange psychology behind decision-making, self-investment, and the stories we tell ourselves about what we can and cannot justify. Why does a girls' trip feel easy to say yes to, but a transformational retreat feels "indulgent"? Why do we resist the very experiences that could help us reconnect with ourselves, our relationships, and the lives we actually want to live? In this episode, I share honest stories from my own life — from parenting through residential treatment with my son, to missed opportunities I still think about years later, to the orange vintage hoodie I absolutely should have bought. (Yes, really.) This conversation is about more than retreats. It's about the way we become emotionally "nearsighted" when making decisions. It's about fear, scarcity, self-worth, burnout, and learning how to zoom out enough to see the bigger picture of our lives. If you've ever: Talked yourself out of something your heart wanted Struggled to prioritize yourself as a parent Felt guilty investing in your own growth Wondered why you keep choosing survival over fulfillment Craved deeper connection, clarity, or transformation …this episode will speak directly to you. I also share why immersive retreat experiences create a kind of transformation that weekly therapy, coaching, or quick self-help fixes simply cannot replicate. From nervous system regulation and mindfulness to Enneagram work, Internal Family Systems (IFS), relationship healing, and meaningful connection — this is the kind of work that changes how you parent, partner, communicate, and live. In This Episode, We Explore: Why humans make emotionally irrational decisions The concept of "nearsightedness" in personal growth Retreats vs. vacations: what makes them transformational Parenting burnout and emotional depletion How immersive experiences accelerate healing and clarity The power of connection, reflection, and nervous system reset Why investing in yourself impacts every relationship in your life Enneagram insights for self-awareness and parenting The role of mindfulness, coaching, and retreat work in emotional wellness About This Year's Retreat This year's retreat theme is Connection — beginning with your relationship to yourself and expanding outward into your relationships with your children, partner, family, and the world around you. We'll be weaving together: The Enneagram Internal Family Systems (IFS) Anatomy of Peace principles Mindfulness and guided reflection Nature, movement, conversation, and deep connection If you've been feeling emotionally exhausted, disconnected, overwhelmed, or stuck in survival mode as a parent, this retreat is designed to help you reconnect with yourself in a way that creates lasting change. SAVE YOUR SPOT TO THE RETREAT HERE Connect with Me I'm Ann Kaplan — parent coach, speaker, Enneagram practitioner, and mom of four. I help parents create healthier relationships, stronger communication, and more emotional freedom inside their families and within themselves. If this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend, leave a review, and send me a message about where you might be feeling emotionally nearsighted in your life right now. Because sometimes the thing we keep postponing… is the very thing that could change everything.
Transcribe →The Lesson We Never Stop Learning: Why Your Parenting Triggers Are an Inside Job
May 2000:28:59Tap to summarizeWhat if the problem isn't your child's behavior… but the way that behavior impacts you? In this deeply honest episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, Ann Kaplan returns to the powerful thread she began in Episodes 157, 159, and 160 — conversations about polarities, impossible situations, and personal power — and brings them together in a final, integrative discussion about parenting, self-regulation, and radical accountability. Ann explores one of the hardest lessons parents (and humans) continually relearn: the impulse to control the people around us in order to avoid our own discomfort. Through real coaching examples and personal reflection, she unpacks: Why some parenting struggles feel impossible How black-and-white thinking keeps us stuck in "either/or" thinking The difference between boundaries and control How parents unintentionally reinforce codependency Why your child's behavior may not actually be "misbehavior" What it really means to do your own inner work instead of outsourcing it to your kids How acceptance becomes the doorway to real power and change Ann also shares a vulnerable behind-the-scenes confession as a coach — noticing how easy it is to fall into the same pattern she teaches against: trying to change others instead of tending to her own internal response. This episode is a powerful reminder that: "Our feelings are not our kids' jobs." And that real transformation begins when we stop asking: "How do I make my child stop doing this?" …and start asking: "What is this bringing up in me that I need to meet?" If you've ever felt trapped between resentment and control, exhausted from trying to manage everyone around you, or frustrated that parenting still triggers you despite all the work you've done, this episode will land deeply. In This Episode Internal Family Systems (IFS) and internal "polarities" Why the mind defaults to black-and-white thinking Impossible situations and radical acceptance Nervous system regulation in parenting Emotional responsibility vs. control Self-energy: compassion, patience, calmness, and connection Why insight alone isn't enough — integration matters Mentioned in This Episode Episodes 157, 159, and 160 The Enneagram Internal Family Systems (IFS) The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute Upcoming Fall Retreat: Connection Experience If this episode resonates, the next step is deep integration — not just insight. Ann's upcoming Fall Retreat is designed exactly for that: a multi-day immersive experience where you don't just learn these concepts, you live them, process them, and integrate them in real time with support. This year's theme is Connection — to yourself, your nervous system, and your relationships. Learn more or reserve your spot here: Fall Retreat — Connection Experience Spots are limited.
Transcribe →Why Your Child's Enneagram Childhood Experience Isn't About You
May 1300:31:03Tap to summarizeWhat if your child's struggles aren't evidence that you failed them… but part of what makes them them? In this deeply personal and emotionally layered episode, Ann Kaplan explores one of the most confronting parts of the Enneagram: the childhood experience associated with each type — and why it can feel so painful for parents to hear. Ann shares honestly about her own current season of identity deconstruction, intense personal growth work, and what it feels like to realize that even the most loving parents cannot protect their children from becoming human. This episode goes far beyond personality typing. It's about suffering, ego, self-actualization, parenting, spirituality, and the uncomfortable truth that growth often requires experiencing disconnection before we can reconnect to ourselves more deeply. If you've ever wondered: "Did I mess my kid up?" "Why does my child experience the world this way?" "Can I prevent my child from struggling?" "Why does healing feel like falling apart first?" …this episode will meet you there. What You'll Learn What the "childhood experience" in the Enneagram actually means Why your child's type is not caused by your parenting The difference between your child's experience and objective reality How personality forms as a response to perceived disconnection Why the ego's coping strategies ultimately lead us away from what we're seeking The spiritual dimension of the Enneagram and self-actualization Why suffering is not proof that something has gone wrong How parents can support their children without trying to erase discomfort Key Takeaways 👉 Your child's Enneagram type is rooted in their nature — not your failure as a parent. 👉 Children with different types perceive and organize the world differently, even inside loving homes. 👉 The goal of parenting is not preventing all pain. It's helping children stay connected to themselves while they move through it. 👉 Personality is often an attempt to reconnect with something essential we feel we lost. 👉 The behaviors we develop to feel safe can eventually become the very things keeping us stuck. 👉 Deep healing often feels disorienting before it feels freeing. 👉 Your child does not need a perfect parent. They need an attuned one. Ann's Confession Ann shares openly about her own current "identity obliteration" season — working deeply with an Enneagram practitioner and confronting painful truths about herself, her patterns, and the ways ego disguises itself as growth. She also reflects on the heartbreak of recognizing her own children's Enneagram childhood experiences and grappling with the reality that even deeply loving parenting cannot eliminate suffering. Topics Explored in This Episode Parenting and the Enneagram Childhood emotional experiences Self-actualization and identity Internal Family Systems themes Ego vs. essence Why healing feels destabilizing Conscious parenting Spiritual growth and suffering Perfectionism and Enneagram Type One How parents unintentionally personalize their children's emotional experiences Who This Episode Is For This episode is especially for: Parents doing deep personal growth work Highly self-aware adults questioning old identities Parents exploring the Enneagram People healing perfectionism, shame, or emotional reactivity Anyone trying to understand why growth can feel so painful Share This Episode Know a parent carrying guilt about their child's emotional experience? Share this episode with them. Sometimes the deepest relief comes from realizing your child's humanity is not evidence that you failed — it's evidence that they're human, too.
Transcribe →You ARE Hurting Your Kids (And What to Do About It)
May 600:28:55Tap to summarizeThis is one of those episodes that might sting a little… and also might be the biggest exhale you've had in a while. Because if you're a thoughtful parent—if you care this much—you've probably already had the thought: "What if I'm messing them up?" So instead of dancing around it, we're just going to tell the truth: You are. We all are. And that's not actually the problem. In this episode, I'm sharing what came up at a recent Enneagram experience—when a mom asked the question that every parent is quietly holding: "What do I do with the realization that I've hurt my kid?" What We Get Into Why it's not possible to parent without hurting your child The moment self-awareness turns into shame (and what to do instead) How your Enneagram type shows up in your parenting (whether you like it or not) Why trying to "fix yourself" fast actually backfires What repair really looks like—and what it's not The Part Most Parents Don't Want to Hear (But Need To) The goal isn't to become a perfect parent. The goal is to become a self-aware one. Because your kids don't need you to never mess up. They need you to: See yourself clearly Own what's yours Stay present when it's uncomfortable That's the work. That's the repair. Ann's Confession When I first learned my Enneagram type, I didn't feel empowered. I felt wrecked. I sat at my computer and cried because I could suddenly see how I was showing up—and I couldn't unsee it. So if that's where you are? You're not doing it wrong. You're just at the beginning. What Actually Helps (Instead of Spiraling) The real gifts of this work: Self-awareness — seeing your patterns clearly Self-acceptance — not turning that awareness into self-attack Transformation — slowly loosening your grip on those patterns And when it comes to your kids? The most powerful thing you can do is: Tell the truth without defending yourself. No over-explaining. No needing reassurance. No making them carry your guilt. Just: "Yeah. That wasn't okay. And I see it now." If This Episode Hit You Start here: 👉 Notice your patterns this week (without trying to fix them) 👉 Catch the urge to defend, justify, or explain 👉 Practice staying present instead That alone changes more than you think. Share This Episode Know a parent who is quietly carrying guilt about how they've shown up? Send this to them. Not as a call-out. As a relief.
Transcribe →Essence vs Personality: Understanding Your True Self vs Your Patterns
Apr 2900:33:29Tap to summarizeWhat if who you think you are… isn't actually you? In this episode, we're diving into one of the most important (and often misunderstood) distinctions in the Enneagram: Essence vs Personality. Because most of us aren't living from our true self—we're operating from patterns that were formed to protect us. And until you can see that clearly, you'll keep repeating the same reactions, the same conflicts, and the same internal loops… no matter how much "work" you do. In This Episode, You'll Learn: The difference between your Essence (who you truly are) and your Personality (the patterns you developed) Why your personality is not the problem—but it can become a limitation How your Enneagram Type shapes your automatic reactions, especially in parenting and relationships Why awareness—not fixing—is the first real step toward change What it actually looks like to shift from reactivity to presence in real life The Core Insight Your personality was formed for a reason. It helped you belong. It helped you feel safe. It helped you navigate the world. But what once protected you… can quietly become the thing that keeps you stuck. The Enneagram doesn't box you in—it shows you what's been running you so you can begin to loosen its grip. Why This Matters (Especially for Parents) So many of the moments we regret as parents aren't about our kids… They're about our patterns getting activated. The quick reaction The frustration that escalates too fast The feeling of "Why did I just do that again?" That's personality. And when you start recognizing it in real time, you create space for something else to come through: Your Essence. Calm. Presence. Connection. Ready to Go Deeper? Join the Virtual Enneagram Retreat If you're ready to move beyond just understanding your patterns and actually experience what it feels like to live from your Essence… I'm hosting a live Virtual Enneagram Retreat. This isn't just information—it's integration. We'll help you: Identify your Enneagram Type (with clarity—not guessing) See your patterns in real time Understand why you keep experiencing the same things Learn how to shift into a more grounded, present, and connected version of yourself 📅 Live on Zoom A powerful, guided experience you can join from anywhere 👉 Save your spot here Final Thought You're not "too much." You're not "too reactive." You're not "doing it wrong." You're just operating from patterns you haven't fully seen yet. And once you do… Everything begins to change.
Transcribe →Why You Feel Unmotivated (Through the Lens of the Enneagram Type 2)
Apr 2200:47:06Tap to summarizeIf you've ever felt like you're doing everything for everyone else… and still somehow questioning your worth… This conversation is going to hit. In this episode, I'm joined by my longtime friend, client, and retreat chef, Andrew, as part of the Ennea Chats series — real conversations with real people about how the Enneagram actually shows up in everyday life. Andrew is an Enneagram Type 2, and what he shares in this conversation goes way beyond "being helpful" or "being caring." We get into what's underneath that. Because for Type 2s (and honestly, for a lot of overwhelmed parents), the real driver isn't generosity… It's the quiet belief: I have to earn love. What we explore together: What it actually feels like to discover your Enneagram type — especially when it doesn't click right away Why the Enneagram isn't about what you do, but why you do it The core belief of Type 2s: "I'm not worthy of love unless I earn it" How that belief shows up in relationships, people-pleasing, and emotional triggers What it looks like in real life when a small moment spirals into self-doubt The difference between genuine kindness and seeking love through helping Why self-awareness can make you question your own motives (and feel like a fraud) The moment that really lands: When Andrew describes how something as small as being asked about a spoon in the sink spirals internally into: "What's wrong with me? Why would I do that? I must be an idiot." And how understanding his Enneagram type helped him see: That voice isn't truth. It's a pattern. Why this matters (even if you're not a Type 2): This isn't just about one personality type. It's about recognizing that so much of how we show up — especially as parents, partners, and high-functioning adults — is driven by beliefs we've never actually questioned. The Enneagram gives language to those patterns. And once you can see them, you can start to relate to yourself differently. With more clarity. With more compassion. And with a lot less reactivity. A powerful reframe from this episode: The Enneagram doesn't describe who you are. It explains why you are the way you are. Want to go deeper? If this conversation is making you think, "Oh… this is me," — that's exactly the kind of awareness we build on inside my Living Enneagram spaces. Whether it's the mini retreat or deeper coaching work, this isn't about labeling yourself. It's about understanding your patterns well enough that you're no longer run by them. If you've been circling this work for a while, consider this your nudge. Come join us. There's a seat for you. www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/livingenneagram Share this episode: Know someone who gives everything to everyone else… but still doesn't quite feel like it's enough? Send this to them. They'll probably feel very seen.
Transcribe →The Enneagram Isn't Who You Are (And That Changes Everything)
Apr 1500:55:04Tap to summarizeMost people use the Enneagram to figure out who they are. But what if that's not actually the point? What if it's showing you what's getting in your way? This week's episode is a little different—and honestly, one of my favorites. I sat down with my oldest son, Elijah, and we talked about the Enneagram… but not in the way you usually hear it talked about. Not "what type are you?" Not "here's how to label yourself." But what it actually does when you use it in real life—especially inside relationships, parenting, and your own growth. We talk about what it looked like for him to first encounter the Enneagram as a teenager in a really hard season… how he was mistyped… and why that still helped. And then we go deeper into the part most people miss: The Enneagram isn't here to tell you who you are. It's here to show you what you're caught in. What you'll hear in this episode: Why the Enneagram "meets you where you are" (and why that matters more than getting your type right) What mistyping actually reveals—and why it can still be useful How dysregulation makes everyone look the same (and why that changes how we see ourselves and our kids) The difference between your essential self and your personality patterns How the Enneagram can be used for control… or for empathy What shifted when Elijah realized his actual type—and why he couldn't see it before The connection between self-worth, shame, and how we identify ourselves Why awareness doesn't immediately change your behavior (and why that's not a problem) The deeper pattern: You're not your type. You're the person underneath the patterns your type is describing. And those patterns tend to get louder when you're struggling—not more accurate. Which is why so many people misidentify themselves when they're in a hard season. One of the most important takeaways: Even when you're "wrong"… you're not actually wrong. If something resonates, it's telling you something about where you are—even if it's not telling you who you are. For parents (this part matters): When your kid is acting in ways that feel confusing, reactive, or out of character… You might not be seeing their personality. You might be seeing their level of regulation. And those are not the same thing. A moment worth listening for: The part where Elijah talks about believing he couldn't be a certain type because he thought he was a bad person. And how that belief was actually the most accurate clue about who he was all along. If you want to go deeper: If you've been curious about the Enneagram but also a little skeptical—or you've felt like "none of the types fully fit"—this is exactly why. And if you want to actually experience this work (not just learn about it), I'm hosting a small, in-person Living Enneagram mini retreat. Details are in the link below. Resources & Next Steps: 🧠 Living Enneagram Mini Retreat (limited spots available) 📞 Book a Free Call Share this episode: If you've ever felt like: "None of the types fully fit me" "Why do I act like a completely different person sometimes?" "I understand this… but I still do the same things" Send this to someone who's in that space.
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