Podcast
Confessions of a Parent Coach
Hosted by Ann Kaplan, Parent Coach · EN
Welcome to Confessions of a Parent Coach, the podcast where you'll learn that even parenting experts like me, Ann Kaplan, mother of four, and your host won't have all the answers. I believe that once you realize there's no such thing as a perfect parent, you can achieve fabulous behavior and amazing relationships with your kids.
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Episodes
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Impossible Situations: How to Stop Trying to Fix What Can't Be Fixed
Mar 1800:29:19Tap to summarizeWhat do you do when there's no solution to a problem that deeply affects you or your kids? In this episode, Ann explores a concept that can feel both frustrating and freeing: impossible situations. These are the moments in life where something needs to change—but the reality is that it won't. Maybe it's: 💔 A parent who can't give you the relationship you hoped for ⚡ A co-parent who stays committed to conflict 🏠 A family dynamic that never seems to improve 🎒 Or a situation with your child that simply doesn't have the "right" outcome When we're stuck in these moments, our brains keep searching for the perfect strategy, boundary, or conversation that will finally fix it. But what if the real path forward isn't solving the problem? What if it's recognizing the situation as impossible—and shifting how you show up inside it? In this episode, Ann shares: What an "impossible situation" actually is (and how to recognize one) Why trying to solve unsolvable problems keeps parents stuck in stress and frustration The surprising relief that comes from stopping the fight with reality How acceptance (not approval) creates more emotional stability for you and your kids A real parenting example of co-parenting conflict and school decisions How the Enneagram—especially Type One perfectionism—interacts with impossible situations Why nervous system regulation and emotional support become your real power as a parent This conversation is especially relevant for parents navigating divorce, family-of-origin wounds, difficult relatives, or ongoing conflict with someone who won't change. Because when you stop trying to make the impossible possible, something unexpected happens: You finally get access to your real influence. And often, that's where peace begins. Resources mentioned in this episode: 📘 Free workbook: Getting Kids to Listen the First Time [https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/freeguide] 📞 Book a free consultation with Ann to explore coaching [https://calendly.com/annkaplan/consult]
Transcribe →Why Being Present Feels So Hard as a Parent (and How to Return to Yourself)
Mar 1100:31:59Tap to summarizeWhat if the goal of personal growth — and parenting — isn't to stay perfectly centered… but to return again when you drift away? In this episode, Ann explores a simple but powerful idea: the practice of leaving your center and coming back to it again and again. Inspired by a spiritual chant about returning to the "land of your soul," she connects this concept to meditation, parenting, and the way we navigate life's chaos. If you've ever told yourself you need to "be more present" with your kids but felt like you're failing at it, this conversation might bring a huge sense of relief. Because the truth is: presence isn't something we achieve and hold forever. It's something we practice returning to. Through stories from her own meditation practice and a recent group coaching conversation, Ann explores why presence can feel so hard — especially when life is messy — and why the answer isn't trying harder or judging yourself when you drift. It's simply learning to come back. Again and again. In This Episode Why the practice of meditation is really about getting distracted and returning The surprising reason "being present with your kids" feels so difficult Why parenting is more about who you are being than what you're doing How children learn calm and regulation through co-regulation The difference between pushing yourself to be better and gently returning to your center Why growth isn't about perfection — it's about reconnection Key Takeaways 👉 Presence is not a permanent state. It's a practice of returning. 👉 The goal isn't to stay perfectly centered — it's to notice when you drift and come back. 👉 Your children don't need a perfect parent. They need a parent who can return to connection. 👉 The energy you cultivate in yourself becomes the energy your children learn to regulate around. 👉 Personal growth isn't about never going astray — it's about building the muscle of coming home again. Ann's Confession Ann shares how even during her daily meditation practice she spends most of the time distracted — planning, thinking, or mentally redecorating her basement. And that's actually the point. The real practice isn't staying focused. It's noticing when you've drifted… and returning again. Resources Mentioned 📘 Free Workbook: Getting Kids to Listen the First Time bit.ly/kidswholisten 📞 Book a Free Consultation with Ann bit.ly/kaplancall 🌿 Learn more about Ann's coaching Annkaplanparentcoach Parent Coach, IFS Practitioner & Enneagram Coach | Ann Kaplan Share This Episode Know a parent who feels like they're constantly trying to "do better" but still feels off track? Share this episode with them — it might be exactly the reminder they need: You don't have to be perfect. You just have to return again.
Transcribe →I only have two choices, and both of them are terrible
Mar 400:21:26Tap to summarizeHave you ever felt like you only have two options… and both of them kind of suck? Be rigid or be out of control. Speak up and blow everything up… or stay quiet and carry resentment. Stay on top of everything… or completely give up and let it all fall apart. If you've ever felt trapped between two bad choices, this episode is for you. Today I'm talking about polarization — an Internal Family Systems concept that explains why we get stuck in these exhausting internal tug-of-wars. And more importantly, how to get out of them. I share personal stories about my history with disordered eating, my complicated relationship with anger (hello, Enneagram Type One), and what it looks like when parts of us hijack the system and convince us there are only two possible roads forward. Spoiler: there are never only two. When you feel stuck in black-and-white thinking, it's not because you're broken. It's because two parts of you are fighting for control — and neither of them is Self. And when Self isn't leading, everything feels urgent, rigid, and impossible. What We Explore in This Episode What "polarization" actually means in Internal Family Systems Why your system creates equal and opposite parts How black-and-white thinking is a signal you're blended Why "either/or" is almost always a clue that Self energy is offline How to work with opposing parts instead of letting them hijack you Real-life examples from parenting, relationships, food, and anger The Core Insight When you believe: "I only have two choices, and both of them are terrible." That's your sign. That's the moment to pause. Because when Self is present, there are always more than two options. Always. Self energy brings perspective, creativity, and nuance. Parts bring urgency, certainty, and rigidity. If you're feeling boxed in, you're not seeing the full picture yet. For Parents Especially This shows up constantly in parenting: Be strict or be permissive Hold boundaries or be warm Stay on track or let it go Control everything or everything falls apart Those aren't the only options. They're just the loudest parts in the room. And when you learn how to bring both sides to the table — without letting either one run the show — your nervous system settles. Your parenting softens. Your responses get more conscious. A Question to Sit With Where in your life are you telling yourself you only have two options? And what might open up if you didn't have to pick the least terrible one? If this episode hit something tender — if you can feel those parts fighting inside you — that's not a problem. That's information. And if you're ready to stop living inside the tug-of-war and start leading from Self, you don't have to do that alone. You can book a consultation with me and we'll look at what's actually happening inside your system — and what's waiting on the other side of this polarization. Have a beautiful week. I'll talk to you soon. 💛 Book a Parent Support Call here: https://calendly.com/annkaplan/discovery-call
Transcribe →It's Not Their Fault… So Should I Still Discipline?
Feb 2500:18:24Tap to summarizeYou don't want to discipline them. Because you get it. They're tired. They're overwhelmed. They're hormonal. They're transitioning between homes. They're dysregulated. It's not their fault. And yet… you also can't live like this. This is the quiet tension so many thoughtful parents carry: If I understand why they're acting this way… do I still get to hold a boundary? In this episode, I unpack the difference between discipline and punishment — and why confusing the two keeps empathetic parents stuck. I share a personal story about being called out on something that "wasn't my fault" and what it reminded me about our kids (and ourselves). Because here's the truth: Just because a behavior is understandable doesn't mean it's excusable. And holding loving guardrails is not the same thing as being harsh. We'll talk about: Why compassion is for regulation — not for excusing behavior The common mistake emotionally attuned parents make Why removing consequences actually creates more dysregulation What authoritative discipline really looks like in real life How to hold boundaries without shame, fear, or punishment This is about becoming the steady one. The one who can say, "I understand… and also, no." When kids know the world makes sense — when behavior has predictable, calm outcomes — they actually feel safer. And safer kids learn faster. Ready to Feel Clearer About Discipline? If you're feeling murky about when to give consequences… If guilt keeps sneaking in… If you're worried you're either being too soft or too harsh… Let's talk. Book a free Parent Support Call with me here: 👉 https://bit.ly/KaplanCall It's a real conversation — not a pitch. You'll leave with clarity either way. And if we decide to work together, we'll build a version of discipline that feels strong, loving, and aligned with who you actually want to be as a parent. You don't have to choose between kindness and leadership. You get to be both.
Transcribe →Stop Praising Your Kids (And What to Do Instead)
Feb 1800:23:18Tap to summarizeYou love your kid. You want them to feel confident. You want them to know they're capable and amazing. So of course you praise them. But what if the way we've been taught to praise our kids is quietly getting in the way of the very self-esteem we're trying to build? In this episode, I'm unpacking something that can feel almost heretical: why traditional praise doesn't actually create confidence — and what does. This isn't about being cold or withholding. It's about shifting from evaluating your child to truly seeing them. There's a difference. And once you understand it, you'll never say "good job" the same way again. What We're Talking About Why external praise doesn't actually change how someone feels about themselves The accidental messages praise can send (approval-seeking, fear of mistakes, performance-based worth) The difference between praising a child and delighting in a child Why attachment — not affirmation — is the foundation of self-esteem How struggle and failure build confidence more than compliments ever will What to say instead of "I'm so proud of you" How to help your child develop self-awareness instead of approval-seeking The Shift Instead of: "I'm so proud of you." "That's amazing!" "You're the smartest kid I know." Try: "I noticed how much time you put into that." "You seem really proud of yourself." "How did that feel?" The goal isn't less warmth. It's less evaluation. When we stop positioning ourselves as the judge of our child's worth and start facilitating their self-discovery, something powerful happens: They stop looking to us to tell them who they are. They start knowing. The Deeper Work True confidence comes from: ✔ Secure attachment ✔ Being seen and understood ✔ Being allowed to struggle ✔ Knowing you are loved regardless of performance ✔ Discovering your own internal compass This is self-actualization in parenting form. And yes — it requires us to loosen our grip on being the authority on our child's goodness. That's not easy. But it's transformative. If this resonates — if you want to parent in a way that builds grounded, internally secure humans instead of praise-dependent ones — this is exactly the kind of work we do together. Working with me isn't about memorizing scripts. It's about becoming the kind of parent whose presence builds confidence. If you're ready for that shift, book a consult. Let's talk. And in the meantime, pay attention this week: Are you praising… or are you delighting? There's a difference.
Transcribe →The Hidden Cost of Permissive Parenting (Why Discipline Helps Kids Feel Safe)
Feb 1100:34:42Tap to summarizeIf "discipline" makes your stomach drop because it feels synonymous with mean, this episode is for you. This conversation is for parents who care deeply about connection — and are quietly worried that setting limits might damage it. Ann makes the case that loving limits aren't just about better behavior. They're about helping kids develop security, self-trust, and a nervous system that doesn't feel like it has to run the whole show. We're talking about why boundaries are not the opposite of love — and how the absence of leadership can actually increase anxiety, control issues, and emotional overwhelm in kids. What You'll Learn Why Ann is intentionally using the D word: discipline (and why it's not the same as punishment) The real differences between authoritative, permissive, and authoritarian parenting The surprising link between a lack of boundaries and childhood anxiety How kids can become bossy or controlling when the adult isn't clearly in charge Why "good behavior" is a side effect — well-being is the goal How discipline paired with attunement builds secure attachment and healthy self-concept The Core Framework (the one you've heard… and still need) Authoritative parenting = emotional attunement + leadership Kids need both: Attunement: "I see you. Your feelings make sense." Leadership: "And I'm still the grownup. I've got this." When attunement exists without leadership, parents often slide into permissive parenting — which can look kind and gentle, but quietly puts kids in charge of things they're not developmentally equipped to manage. The Client Story That Explains Everything Ann shares the story of a mom she worked with over time — first when her child was a toddler, and later when he was seven. At age 2: Runs out of his room two minutes after nap starts → mom lets it go Throws food on the floor and leaves dinner → mom lets it go No yelling. No harshness. Lots of love. But also… the child is running the system. At age 7: Sweet, bright, and deeply anxious — especially in social situations When anxious, he becomes controlling One moment captures it all: He forgets his backpack. Mom says she'll bring it later. He panics, refuses to go inside, insists on controlling the plan — and eventually, mom takes him home. Ann's insight: this isn't about cold parenting or lack of care. It's about a nervous system that learned: "If the adult won't hold the edges, I have to." And that's a terrifying job for a child. The Hidden Cost of Permissive Parenting Not spoiled kids. Not bad manners. The deeper cost can look like: Anxiety and hypervigilance A need to control people and situations Less internal "okayness" because the world doesn't feel solid Kids don't relax when there are no limits. They often spin out. Because being "in charge" isn't empowering when you're seven — it's overwhelming. Ann's Confession 💬 Early on, Ann admits her main motivation for boundaries wasn't enlightened or philosophical. It was: "I need this house to not be a chaotic shit show." And honestly? Same. But over time, she saw the deeper truth: authoritative parenting doesn't just create well-behaved kids — it helps create well kids. Key Takeaways 👉 Discipline isn't harshness — it's loving structure 👉 Kids need to know someone else is holding the frame 👉 A child with tons of attunement but no boundaries can still develop insecurity 👉 Anxious, controlling behavior may signal a need for more leadership, not more comfort 👉 Boundaries can be an act of care, not cruelty Gentle Next Steps (No Perfection Required) If you're a parent who: Hates conflict Avoids disappointing your child Feels guilty when they're upset Confuses "loving" with "letting it slide" This episode is your reminder that limits can be loving — and that being the steady adult is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Resources Mentioned 📘 Free workbook: Getting Kids to Listen the First Time https://bit.ly/kidswholisten 📞 Book a free consult call: https://bit.ly/kaplancall Share This Episode Know a parent who's doing a ton of emotional work — but still feels like their kid is running the house and everyone's stressed because of it? Send them this episode. It's permission to stop white-knuckling parenting — and start leading with calm, clarity, and care.
Transcribe →The "Cheerios" Moment: How Generational Trauma Sneaks Into Your Parenting
Feb 400:33:09Tap to summarizeIf you've ever sworn, "It ends with me," and then immediately watched yourself get weirdly intense about something small… hi. This episode is for the parents who are doing the work—and still getting ambushed by old feelings in brand-new moments. We're talking about what actually breaks generational cycles (spoiler: it's not just "doing everything differently"), and why the real win is becoming the kind of parent who doesn't need fear to stay committed. What You'll Learn Why "I'll never be like my parents" is a starting line, not a finish line How generational patterns sneak in through triggers, rigidity, and over-control The difference between parenting from conviction vs. parenting from fear Why neutrality is the secret ingredient you can't access when you're activated How doing your inner work changes what your child's behavior "hooks" inside you The subtle way cycles repeat when you're trying so hard not to repeat them Key Takeaways 👉 Breaking the cycle isn't just doing different—it's being different. 👉 If fear is driving the car, you'll grab the wheel (control, intensity, overreaction). 👉 Sometimes the "small stuff" (yes, even Cheerios) is where you finally see the pattern clearly. 👉 Your child's behavior isn't the emergency—your activation is the signal. 👉 The work isn't "stop being triggered." The work is: what does the triggered part of you need? Ann's Confession 💬 I realized I had silently banned Cheerios… not because of nutrition, but because they were emotionally linked to my childhood. And that was my first real "ohhhhhh… there are layers here" moment. Client Story Mentioned 👩👦 A mom who felt panicked watching her kids fight—because sibling cutoffs ran through the family history—and how that fear made it nearly impossible to stay neutral or allow autonomy in the moment. Episode Timestamps (approximate—adjust once you have final audio timecodes) [0:00] Welcome + new producer era + ripple effects [4:30] The "Cheerios" confession: when the small thing reveals the big thing [12:00] Authoritative vs. authoritarian: where fear pushes us [18:30] Why "the cycle stops here" isn't enough by itself [26:00] The sibling-fighting trigger + generational fear in real time [34:00] Neutrality, autonomy, and why triggered parents can't access them [42:00] The real work: tending your fear (IFS-style) instead of bypassing it [49:00] Invitation: discovery call + what changes when you get support Resources Mentioned 📞 Book a free discovery call: https://calendly.com/annkaplan/discovery-call?month=2026-02 Don't forget to subscribe 🚀 Share This Episode Know a parent who's doing everything "right" but still feels haunted by their own childhood in the day-to-day moments? Send them this episode. It's a permission slip to stop white-knuckling it—and start healing where the pattern actually lives.
Transcribe →Talking Doesn't Teach
Jan 2800:24:51Tap to summarizeHow many times have you told someone what you want and then been frustrated when nothing changes? Whether it's a parenting conversation (put your coat away when you get home from school, please.) or a request of your partner (please don't leave your toothbrush dripping all over the counter.) or any other attempt you've had to get people to change their behavior, chances are nothing changed. Am I right? This week on the podcast, I'll explain exactly WHY no one is doing what you ask, and what to do differently. It's one of the simple, but not easy, truths of relationships and we forget it all. the. time. Working with me is about actually integrating this truth and learning how to show up differently so that you actually can help people change their behavior and respect your boundaries. Sound good? Reach out to me today and set up a free consultation. : https://calendly.com/annkaplan/discovery-call
Transcribe →Hurry Hurry! How Rushing Slows Down Progress
Jan 2100:26:51Tap to summarizeDo you find yourself impatient to experience the transformations you're working on? Whether it's upleveling your parenting skills, managing your temper, getting a project across the finish line, experiencing less stress or anxiety....once we can tell what is going "wrong" now and what "right" looks like, it's normal to feel a sense of urgency about making it happen ASAP. It's almost like you have a little minion on your shoulder whispering, "Hurry! Hurry" in your ear constantly - which really doesn't help in the end, does it? This week on the podcast, I'm talking about that little voice. Why is it there? How does it end up sabotaging us? And how can we get it to sit tight so that we can have the space and patience to create the results its rushing us to create? My job is all about this process - identifying what you want things to look like, recognizing what's getting in the way right now, and staying with you while we do that lasting work to get you where you want to go. Reach out to me today and set up a free consultation. https://calendly.com/annkaplan/discovery-call
Transcribe →Sleep-Beyond Caretaking
Jan 1400:15:24Tap to summarizeDo you remember when things changed in your home from "baby is boss" to "The grownups lead the way"? I have a very specific memory of the exact moment this happened in my life with my oldest child and this week on the podcast I'll share it with you, and talk about this paradigm shift that is fundamental in setting up healthy parent-child dynamics. It's a shift that happens only partially or doesn't happen at all in some families, leading to a lot of conflict, confusion and stress. Listen in to see where your family falls on this spectrum and what to do about it. Part of my job is helping families fully step into the awesome opportunity and responsibility of being the leader in their child's life. If you feel a struggle to truly embody this shift, you are not alone and I can help. Reach out to me today and set up a free consultation. Tell me all about your challenges and I'll help you get where you want to go: https://calendly.com/annkaplan/discovery-call
Transcribe →