Hot Pocket - Episode 242

Summary

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Crash Dummies Podcast – Episode 242: "Hot Pocket"

Hosts: Patrick Johnson (Pat) & Michael Esiobu (Mike)
Release Date: January 21, 2026

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Overview

In this episode titled "Hot Pocket," Pat and Mike are joined by a series of lively callers as they riff on current events, wild "what if" scenarios, relationship dilemmas, and the random mess that is real life. From nostalgic reminiscing about 2016's broke-era fun, to debates on fake podcast callers, deep dives into influencer struggles, wild relationship stories, and a string of hilarious (and occasionally jaw-dropping) listener situations, this episode delivers the unfiltered, comedic, and relatable edge Crash Dummies is known for.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Nostalgia for 2016 and Being Broke

• Opening segment is dominated by an energetic, comedic look back at 2016—framed as a golden age when being broke didn't mean you couldn't have fun (00:00–01:49).
  • Pat: "It was the only year you could survive while being fucking broke. Yeah, you could be broke as fuck in 2016 and have a great night..." (00:04)
  • Light-hearted stories about clubbing with little money, stretching $10, and "selling a little weed," with playful banter about past hustle and style (00:17–00:55).
  • The vibe: Gritty optimism, “fun with nothing,” and light slander about each other’s looks and past fits.

2. Podcast Logistics & "Fake Caller" Accusations

• Discussion turns meta as Pat and Mike address how fans contact the show and recurring rumors about "fake callers" (03:02–05:38).
  • They explain why Instagram DM is their go-to, mock the idea of scheduling "fake callers," and roast a commenter accusing them of scripted interactions.
  • Pat: “If we get accused of fake callers again, I’m going to start slapping fire from this... Like, bro, if y’ all, man, we sit through so many callers every time we hear, bro, like, fake callers, man. Suck my dick.” (04:12)

3. Kai Cenat’s Book Reading and Influencer Vulnerability

• The hosts dive into Kai Cenat’s recent public foray into reading and self-improvement, and the backlash he faced (05:38–08:35).
  • Discussion on how influencer audiences often don’t allow for vulnerability or the messiness of trying new things.
  • Pat: "I think people are hating because they see an influencer stepping into something new and actually seeing them struggle a little bit." (06:42)
  • Comparison with other celebrities (TI, DC Young Fly) trying new careers and the pressure to match past greatness.

4. Animals Suing Humans—the Ultimate Settlement

• Hypothetical banter: "If animals could sue humans, what species would get the biggest settlement?" (09:27–11:22).
  • Fish and cows are suggested, but Pat makes a poignant (and hilarious) argument for domestic animals: "I think it’s like. I think it’s more domestic animals. I think it’s a dog or a cat... imagine—what if they want to be free? We don’t know that shit." (10:09)
  • Comedy riff: Awkward situations with pets witnessing human intimacy.

5. Mega Churches, Satire, and Scamming Preachers

• Discussion around Drewski’s viral megachurch skit, criticism from churchgoers, and a deeper conversation about pastors exploiting their congregations (11:27–14:32).
  • Pat: "He’s not playing with the word of God. He’s playing on these preachers or pastors who prey on their congregation... and you’re driving off in a half a million dollar car.”
  • Mike: “Why flaunt in front? It’s like almost like you’re stunning on—you're stunned on people."
  • The duo explores public resentment towards wealthy church leaders and hypocrisy in religious circles.

6. Call-ins: Relationship Chaos & "Worst Email Ever"

• Email caller (15:07–19:19): Despite just saying they'd never do it, Pat and Mike pick up their first-ever email caller, who relays a story of cheating, family chaos, and hiding side chicks in the house.
  • The hosts roast the quality and confusion of the story: “That was so bad that Google the chat GPT us. How can I get in contact?” (19:02)

Notable Quotes:

• Pat: "No good man communicates through email." (18:52)
• Mike: "This is a perfect example of a call that probably wouldn’t make the pod, but we're gonna make it just to show you guys..." (18:45)

7. Wild Relationship Dilemmas: "Gotta Stop Nutting in Strippers"

• Caller: Rant of the Week (19:19–25:48): A listener shares his regret-filled hookup with a former stripper, the frantic purchase of a Plan B pill, and over-the-top "safety checks."
  • Caller: "Guess what the she say right after? She said, 'You ready to be a daddy?' What?"
  • Pat: “That’s a Chicago love story right here.” (25:18)

8. Sex & Dating Scenarios: Navigating Red Flags

• Caller: STI Dilemma (26:11–31:26): A caller debates whether it’s a red flag that a guy wanted to hook up after being informed about her STI, leading to a discussion about accountability and mutual horniness.
  • Pat: "To me, it sounds like two people were starving and two people ate..." (28:09)

9. "Hot Pocket" Lifestyle – Toxic Women, Sponsors, and Multiple Partners

• Caller: The Hot Pocket (31:39–39:02): A woman describes her conflict between a wholesome (and good-in-bed) boyfriend, her own “toxic” tendencies, and having a “sponsor” (sugar daddy) who pays her rent.
  • Dry humping, nudes series called "back shots and bathrooms," sponsors buying her farms, and why “men is already plural.”
  • Pat: “I ain't gonna lie. Just ready to have a baby with her, though.” (25:48)
  • Mike: "What is a hot pocket?" (33:27)
  • Pat: “You don’t deserve it. Just stay in your little hot pocket, man. Stay there.” (38:39)

10. Extreme Kinks & Sex Positivity

• Caller: Armpit-Licking and Beyond (39:39–45:03): Exploration of unusual kinks (armpit play, eating ass post-work, etc.) and reflections on boundaries and communication.
  • Pat: “He trying to even it out... suck the deodorant off her shit so we both wanna...” (40:56)
  • Discussion expands to why women tolerate or end things over kinks, and how lines can blur between “weird” and “normal” for different people.

11. “Force Femme” Dilemma: Lesbian Girlfriend, Straight Male, and Blouses

• Caller: Gender-Bending Relationship (46:05–52:52): A straight man recounts his lesbian girlfriend’s attempts to “force femme” him—buying him blouses and sweaters, making him her “girlfriend” in public, and questions about orientation.
  • Pat: “So he’s wearing the blouses. Is that what he said?” (51:57)
  • Mike: “If you want to wear it, you just wear it. If you don’t, you don’t.” (51:51–52:06)
  • Deep confusion—and comedy—as both hosts and caller try to navigate identity and relationship labels.

12. Modernity vs. History: Explaining Today to 1820

• Time Travel Scenario (52:57–54:40): The guys joke about what would shock someone from 1820—including the progress (and lingering issues) since the days of enslavement.
  • Caller: “We free.” (53:05)

13. Appreciating Artists While Active

• The Case of Michael Jordan and Rihanna (54:01–54:55): Why criticism pushes stars into retirement or creative silence—appreciate greatness while it’s here.
  • “Every time y’ all criticize one of these billionaires, athletes, artists that y’ all love, they gonna leave, bro.”

14. The Anatomy of a Good Apology

• Apology Semantics (55:20–58:50): Quick round on what constitutes a real apology in relationships—“I’m sorry you feel that way” vs. true accountability.

15. Relationships, Growth, and Therapy

• Closing Reflections (58:50–1:03:15): How relationship arguments mellow with age, the value of therapy, and prioritizing solutions over point-scoring in couples’ fights.

16. Nightlife, Music, and Vibes

• Vignettes about how being drunk/high can make bad songs sound great in the club, and why DJs have to read the mood.
  • Pat: “The ladies bring the party, bro. They bring the vibes...” (61:45)

17. Desmond and Chrissy Drama: The Risk of Singlehood after Long-Term Relationship

• Brief take on online drama: Desmond caught making out post-breakup, what it’s like to be single after over a decade of commitment, and how the internet reacts (63:15–64:50).

18. Heartfelt Close: Gratitude & Grief

• Mike: Thanks fans, shares grief over loss of a friend’s son, encourages listeners to seek help when struggling (65:02–end).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Pat (on 2016): “You walk into the club with $100, shots on me. I’m the man tonight. Matter of fact, open this bitch up—I’m about to hit the ducky, takes off cardigan...” (00:34)
• Pat (on fake callers): “If we get accused of fake callers again, I’m going to start slapping fire from this...” (04:12)
• Mike (about influencers): “Learning anything new as already being popular—that’s why I always tell you, hurry up and start doing stand up if you want to do it—it's going to be way harder after you get famous for something.” (07:32)
• Pat (about Mega Churches): “My preacher shouldn’t have no Benz, bro. Why the fuck my preacher got a ride in a Benz?” (14:19)
• Caller (rant of the week): “Gotta stop nutting in strippers, man... It sound bad, but, like, it wasn’t on purpose.” (19:53)
• Pat (to the “Hot Pocket” caller): “I thought she was saying like, she hard on the outside, tastes good on the first bite, but she cold in the middle.” (33:59)
• Pat (nightlife wisdom): “We gotta get back to letting the ladies had a dance floor. I don’t give a fuck if you call me a simp or not, you little dick ass... The ladies bring the party.” (61:45)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–01:49: Broke nights & 2016 nostalgia
• 03:02–05:38: Call-in logistics & fake caller rant
• 05:38–08:35: Kai Cenat, influencer vulnerability
• 09:27–11:22: Animals suing humans
• 11:27–14:32: Mega Churches and Drewski satire
• 15:07–19:19: "Worst email ever" caller
• 19:19–25:48: Rant of the week—regrettable hookup
• 26:11–31:26: STI dilemma
• 31:39–39:02: "Hot Pocket" lifestyle caller
• 39:39–45:03: Extreme kinks & hygiene stories
• 46:05–52:52: Force femme, blouses, and sexual identity confusion
• 52:57–54:40: Modern world through 1820 eyes
• 54:01–54:55: Michael Jordan, Rihanna, and appreciating artists
• 55:20–58:50: Apologies & relationship tips
• 58:50–1:03:15: Personal growth, therapy, maturity in relationships
• 1:03:15–1:03:59: Nightclub moods, DJ failures, party dynamics
• 1:03:15–1:04:50: Desmond & Chrissy breakup fallout
• 1:05:02–end: Closing gratitude, dealing with loss, mental health encouragement

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Tone & Language

• Loose, irreverent, and hilarious—plenty of cursing, self-deprecating humor, and wild analogies.
• Direct and conversational, with real talk about relationships, social norms, and the messiness of life.
• Raw and honest, especially when handling listener dilemmas or their own personal experiences.

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For First-Time Listeners

"Hot Pocket" is signature Crash Dummies: chaotic, laugh-out-loud funny, and unexpectedly real when it matters. Whether they’re roasting each other, dissecting internet drama, or talking callers through genuine mess, Pat and Mike keep it unpredictable and surprisingly insightful.

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Transcript

[Pat]

I figured out why people like 2016 so much, though.

[Mike]

Why?

[Pat]

It was the only year you could survive while being fucking broke. Yeah, you could be broke as fuck in 2016 and have a great night, man, but you could go out with

[Mike]

$2010, stretch like a month, man.

[Pat]

Oh, that's some broke shit. You know when you can't relate, you're like $10. I thought I was going to say like a week or something. I always sold a little weed here and there, like. No, I'm just joking.

[Mike]

I. I definitely lived way above my means in College. Yeah, 2016.

[Caller 1]

Exactly.

[Pat]

2016. You walk into the club with $100 nigga shots on me. I'm the man tonight. Matter of fact, open this bitch up. I'm about to hit the ducky takes off cardigan. No, I'm kidding.

[Mike]

Laces up KD's.

[Pat]

This nigga got KD's and cargo. He got that on, don't he?

[Mike]

No, it's like the year. Like, a lot of people fell into debt, too. Yeah, it was like, obvious. I don't want anybody to be in any financial crisis, but I feel like back then it just, like, you didn't really think about it. It was just like, I'm going to. I know this is going to fuck up my future, but I don't give a fuck right now.

[Pat]

And back then, like, that aura shit didn't really exist. Like, everybody had aura. Like, the nigga over there jacking off in the corner got aura. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, everybody in this bitch got. Or, you know, they got their own little. Now you walk into places, it's a. The mysterious with the section. And ain't nobody in there with him.

[Mike]

And the Full Rick outfit.

[Pat]

Yeah, the Full Rick outfit. I gotta ask five who this is. You know what I'm saying? I think he own Chrysler. No, he don't. Who the is this? This sit on the bench for the Pistons. I know who that is.

[Mike]

Oh, man. Anyway, welcome to crash dummies, episode 242, a mic. We got Pat to the right. Or to your left.

[Pat]

We got Gene Unnecessary, too, because sometimes

[Mike]

I don't know if it's. If I'm to the right because I'm to my left and you're to the right.

[Pat]

You're to the right.

[Mike]

And when they're looking at the screen, you're too. You're on the left.

[Pat]

Yeah, you're to the right. Because somebody in the comment was like, dude, to the right.

[Mike]

The laugh then.

[Pat]

Yeah, it was like he ugliest

[Caller 2]

I

[Mike]

feel like ugly hurts you less when you're kind of in a happy relationship.

[Pat]

Yes, yes, yes. Also, somebody just DM'd me. Somebody went, no, I'm not gonna say. Actually, I don't give a fuck. Somebody went through an old picture and found it of me and said, why would I ever respect you? This is how you looked in your prime. And I screenshotted my bank account and said, no, nigga, I'm in my prime right now. So just let him know I can put some of that on your head, too. Fuck, nigga, if you want to keep going there, like, we could do that anyway.

[Mike]

Subscribe to the Patreon. We just released an episode Tuesday. So yesterday. If you listen to this on a Wednesday. What else we got? What else we got

[Pat]

upstairs neighbors that already dropped.

[Mike]

Oh, you just.

[Pat]

Okay, you said that already. Twitter community. There we go. We gonna start pouring back into the Twitter community. We know we abandoned y' all for a little bit, but obviously you'll see us doing a lot more things differently. We're trying to get more listener callers from different social medias. We get a lot. Oh, I don't have an Instagram. I don't have a Twitter that. I want you to know one thing. We gonna try to get to every social media eventually, but email. That shit never happened, brother.

[Mike]

Yeah, do not. Do not email us and say, hey, I got some funny shit for y', all, bro. Just call me. Like, we don't have no context, nothing,

[Pat]

bro, It's a dude on there. His name is no talent. Why we reach out to you, brother?

[Mike]

But it's just. It's just we don't. We don't operate that way. We obviously do it through Instagram right now because just easy. We'll remember it's in the moment. We can't. We hardly ever schedule callers a week out unless it's something really crazy. But it's like, again, we don't know what half the people are. Like 90% of people are actually even going to say with the first sentence.

[Pat]

So also, for y' all that love us, if you ever been on the podcast. Because we've. I feel like we've had over three, 400, 500, maybe a thousand people on this fucking podcast. If you've been on a podcast, let people know that you actually been a caller on the podcast. Because if we get accused of fake callers again, I'm going to start slapping fire from this. Like, bro, if y'. All, man, we sit through so many callers every time we Hear, bro, Like, fake callers, man. Suck my dick. I wish we would fake callers. Should it be easy as hell?

[Mike]

It would have been so much easier.

[Pat]

You think? I just want you. It's offensive.

[Mike]

Look at our outfits in the. In the colors. Look how many times they change.

[Caller 3]

We just got a lot of callers in the collar protection program.

[Pat]

Like, it's actually offensive that people think that we will fake our callers. That that's the worst scenario that we can think of. You don't think we more creative than that? I would have literally had a nigga get shot in his head during the. Already I'm creative. Would you rather foul? Yeah, I just killed the. Y' all was talking to.

[Mike]

Y' all want to hear him breathing?

[Pat]

Would you rather live or die?

[Mike]

Y' all think I should shoot him again?

[Pat]

Come on, now.

[Mike]

Y' all pick. Y' all pick leg, shoulder, or head again.

[Caller 1]

No. Stop crying.

[Pat]

Let the crash jummies pick.

[Mike]

Y' all go pick. I'm on my way there now.

[Pat]

That's who you want to give my Patreon money to? No.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Pat]

Why? Why people at Kaisen, that head. I feel like he's being vulnerable right now, and then I feel like there's way more backlash than I thought there was going to be from him reading a book. Yeah, I think.

[Mike]

I think a lot of people think it's performative because there's, like, a video of him reading out loud, and he's, like, timing, and people are just saying, I. I just think he's expressing himself the way he wants to express himself. I think it's not for everybody to understand. Would I do some of this stuff? No. I'm also not him either. And he might be going through his own thing. So I don't know. I just. I think is. He's doing his thing. He's. I think he's trying to document the process. I think because he's documenting it so raw, it makes it seem. Because usually you see those type of document, like when you see, like, the. The Kanye documentary, right? We see unseen footage, and there's already an end product.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I think him taking people through the journey with no end product like this clothing, stuff like that, it makes people, like, say shit about it. So I think me personally, I would have recorded everything, got the end product. It's already popping, and then I'm releasing that shit. So y' all see the process. But that's just. That's just me.

[Pat]

Yeah, I think. I think. But he has a way bigger audience than anybody that would go through this process. So it just. I think people are hating because they see an influencer stepping into something new and actually seeing them struggle a little bit.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And I would say, like, I wouldn't say Kaiser struggling because obviously he's doing better than us, but I would say, like, he's on a new venture of being an influencer where the camera is on him during serious moments. And that's a way different aspect. It's so I wouldn't say it's easy to be goofy on camera, but it's easier to be goofy on camera. Like, it's easy to like, try to make people laugh and stuff to be serious and like have the camera on you and then have to go into a monologue every once in a while about what you're doing and why you're doing it. Yeah, People are going to pick through that. Like, nah, bro, he stuttered when he said that. He don't really mean it. Come on. Like, I'm trying.

[Mike]

Yeah. I think learning anything new as already being popular. That's why when we said, like I always told you, dude, hurry up and start doing stand up if you want to do stand up. It's gonna be way harder to do stand up after you get famous for something, you know?

[Pat]

Yeah. No, no. I mean, you see it all the time. You see like D.C. young fly. Look at ti right now. Ti yeah, ti is starting. Like people, once people see you in a certain way, they expect greatness because you were great here.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Now we expect you to be great here. Now, like, if Kaisern that doesn't put out the best designer clothes ever, he's going to get bashed because people expect him to be so popular.

[Caller 3]

I think people are going to buy it regardless. I think the content that he's been like putting out or. And however people feel about it is somewhat don't matter, you know, because I think that's his sense of accountability is, you know, he's used to being on stream and like doing things for the people almost, you know, so now he's doing it for himself. And people have a lot of expectations, but they still don't buy the shit they don't buy.

[Mike]

And they're going to bash it. Like it's. Some of it might not be it. Right. And that's the process of like creating anything.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Our first couple episodes, not it. Even though people go back and watch it. Like I saw KSI reacting to our videos and one of the biggest UK YouTubers, the outfits we had in those videos was, my God, it's like, bro,

[Pat]

why those KSI doing that on purpose? Bro, stop reacting to videos when my outfit. Shitty KSI. Come on, man. Don't actually. Don't react to yet. Wait till I started getting some better, bro. We good, we good. No, that. No, for real, though. Like. And it's funny that most of the negative comments are coming from Twitter. And I had to realize that Kaiat's fan base and his demographic is way younger than that. And they probably don't. They're probably not tweeting think pieces. So, yeah, so everybody that's tweeting a think piece about Kaiat is just not old enough and not in his algorithm. That's my thought process on it.

[Mike]

If animals could sue humans, what species you think is getting the biggest settlement?

[Caller 3]

Fish.

[Mike]

Fish. For some reason, I think cows especially, like, you know, you're getting touched in your. You're getting touched, you know, without permission the whole time.

[Pat]

That's true.

[Mike]

Nobody's acting the cows for permission.

[Pat]

That's true.

[Mike]

And they got like, copyright infringement. They're making oat milk, like soy milk, almond milk. That's not really milk. Like, if I was a cow, it's like, bro, you got a case against all these milk. That's not really all copying me and calling it milk. You got to call something else got to call it oat drink.

[Pat]

I think. I think it's like. I think it's more domestic animals. I think it's a dog or a cat.

[Mike]

You think dog?

[Pat]

Yeah, because. Because they seeing shit. You know I'm saying, like, imagine. No, that's right. It was the dog record, like, comparing it to slavery.

[Caller 1]

Right?

[Pat]

For real. Like, what if they want to be free? We don't know that shit. We just dressing them up and shit, bro. Like. Like, one time I was with this girl and she locked her dog in the room with us and wanted to have sex. I'm like, you forcing your dog to watch us have sex?

[Mike]

True.

[Pat]

And I'm like, you watch the doggy. Watching doggy. The fuck is going on? I can't concentrate. Because I like, bro, if he licks my ass, I'mma beat the out that dog. I'mma rip his dick off. I swear to God, that was my biggest. I didn't know why I was spinning. I'm like, well, he going to jump on back and try to hunt me. He going to try to get me.

[Mike]

No. Having sex in front of the animals is just like, it. It seems a little disrespectful.

[Pat]

Like, come on now, bro. I know you Felt the cat run across my back.

[Mike]

I know you, cuz I think it's. Especially when like the. The animal jumps on the bed. You're both actively ignoring it. Like, you know, some weird.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And we're both not acknowledging it.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So it makes it more weird. And I'm not thinking like in like Inception. And like, bro, I know what you're thinking now.

[Pat]

I think he'd be licking your coochie a little bit too quick. He hopped right here. He hopped right here. How he know that? How many cats are here? Burn right now you see the backlash. I call it a little backlash, but I think Drew Ski does that on purpose. But the Drew Ski skit, it's Mega Church 1 is going viral. A lot of people that are in mega churches are saying that, oh, that's not right. You don't play with the word of God. And I feel like that's a cop out.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Like it's not. He's not playing with the word of God. He's playing on these preachers or pastors who pray on their congregation, who, like their congregation is somebody in a congregation that literally doesn't have a house, a car, a place to eat at. They're going to a homeless shelter and you're driving off in a half a million dollar car.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

It just doesn't make sense.

[Mike]

Yeah, I know.

[Pat]

And he's like, sometimes jokes are. They reveal the truth. And I feel like this is one of the cases.

[Mike]

Yeah. And there was this one pastor reacted to it, and I think, like, I'm paraphrasing, but he basically said, like, mega churches. I'll have like 1% of like all churches out there, but it's still the ones that are most seen. So it's like, still like, there's some truth to it because people think. And that's kind of scaring people away from the church in a sense, because those mega churches and all that stuff, that's what goes viral. And it's only going viral because some of them are doing like, crazy, like Michael Todd spinning somebody's face. That's his name, Michael Todd, the pastor.

[Pat]

Oh, I think so.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah. Michael Todd. I think spinning like in the. I don't care what you're trying to explain. Right. Spitting somebody's face is just like you could have. There's so many other ways to like, even fake spit. You could have a spray bottle, like someone. Those are the things that go viral. So, like, I think sometimes that that type of stuff scares people away from the church.

[Pat]

I don't Know, I feel like they just pray on the week in those mega churches because especially if you're going through a hard time and you're leaning on God and the person that's supposed to be the closest to God that you think is telling you to do something, to donate something, of course you're going to do that or be more influenced to do that. And they're using it for their own gain.

[Caller 1]

Now you.

[Pat]

You got a private jet for what?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

What do you need to fly across that fast the world for, huh? Like, what are you preaching?

[Mike]

I think it's like, obviously, like, pastors have to get paid, but I think when you do get in that mega church realm, it's like, how much do you think you deserve for what you're doing? You know, in a sense, because again, it's people's money and you're living tax free as well. So it's like there's a lot of, like, resentment, you know, like people. I think there's also a lot of resentment for like, like people like the super wealthy as well, in a sense. Just like, if I had that, everybody just has that. If I had that money, I would do this. Or you can save and cure world hunger and stuff like that. So I think that has a little bit to do with it. But knowing that too, it's just like, why flaunt in front? It's like almost like you're stunning on. You're stunned on people. Sometimes it feels like you're flaunting.

[Pat]

Yeah, my preacher shouldn't have no bands, bro. Why the. My preacher got a ride of bands. I. I don't understand that, bro. I got a Toyota, bro. I just put money in the collection plate and you got a bins and you skir off on me.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Why you got a srt, bro? Don't piss me off. This dude Michael Jordan, bro.

[Mike]

Somebody just sent an email.

[Pat]

No way.

[Mike]

It said, I got a story. This is a. This is the thing. I got a story. Trapped in a trop a trouble, Right? What's the word?

[Caller 3]

Truffle.

[Mike]

Truffle.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And pincer moved.

[Caller 1]

Huh?

[Pat]

Let me read it.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Is that German?

[Mike]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Pat]

Pinster trapped in the thruffle. And pincer move. And pinter move. Who, man, just call this dude. No legit. Just call this dude. Like, I. I want to wig out on this. Like, okay, I'm in a bad mood.

[Mike]

That's funny. We just said we'd never do it.

[Caller 4]

Yeah. What's up, yo?

[Mike]

First of all, we've always told People. We just literally just told people not to email us to be a caller.

[Pat]

Get that mic.

[Caller 4]

I straight up googled it. So I don't know.

[Pat]

You Google what?

[Caller 4]

I googled it. I was like, dude, I've been watching you guys for a minute and I was like, yo, I got some to say.

[Caller 3]

And then you asked Google how to get on.

[Caller 4]

I literally, hey, Google. And Google was like, here it is. And I just emailed us.

[Mike]

What was your story?

[Pat]

Bro, this better be good, bro. We never answered email. This is our first email.

[Mike]

First email. We're never gonna do this again.

[Pat]

Maybe.

[Caller 4]

Ah, bro. All right, all right. It's. It's gonna be at least decent. All right, so. So I was with this girl for nine years, right? Two kids, one coming.

[Caller 3]

Twins.

[Caller 4]

No, no, no. Like two and a half years apart. So like, it. It was a progression. So I'm. I come home from work, right? I was working like a 14 hour shift. I'm coming home, dude. I was cheating on her. And when I went to pull in my driveway, I saw my side chick's car in the driveway with my chick. Score. So I just went, nope. And just left. And it's like, stayed at the hotel for like two days. Finally was like, yo, this. I'm going home. Both cars were still there though. Not a fan of that. But walked in. Both of them were sitting there. One was hiding behind a fake tree, which is hilarious, but. No, it wasn't, but

[Pat]

hurry up. Damn. Why you. What's up? What's all these breaks? And you got ads in this?

[Caller 4]

Yeah, let me plug manscaped. What do you want from me, bro?

[Pat]

Speed this up, bro. Times to this hoe.

[Caller 4]

Nah, but it's. I come in, right? And they're like, yeah, it says you can't stop with her and you won't leave me alone. Then we're just gonna do this. I'm just like, well. And dude, no choice in the matter.

[Pat]

Do what? Wait. I'm so ready to hang up on you, bro. Do what, bro?

[Caller 4]

All right, so she moved my. My kid's mom moved my ex into my house. Or not my ex, my side chick into my house. Just out of spite, decided that for me. Nah, I mean, maybe. I don't know, bro.

[Pat]

Bro, what's your current situation? Like, what's currently going on?

[Caller 4]

They both want me to die.

[Pat]

Oh, so you're out of the house and she's still in there?

[Caller 4]

Oh, no, no, it's my house.

[Pat]

Oh my God. Bro, bro, bro, we're never emailing nobody. No more emails.

[Mike]

This Is a perfect example of a call that probably wouldn't make the pod, but we're gonna make it just to show you guys. Just to teach y' all a lesson,

[Pat]

too, how, like, no, no. Good man communicates through email.

[Caller 3]

Come on.

[Pat]

I was gonna say, how do you

[Caller 3]

even hear about the pod?

[Mike]

He'd never seen a clip or not.

[Pat]

Just like, holy therapy or something. What the was that, bro? That was so bad that Google the chat GPT us. How can I get in contact? Yo, what's the deal? Welcome to crash on me's podcast. Hey, what up, man?

[Caller 1]

Hey, I was just at y show in Chicago. I was that tall, man.

[Pat]

Tall.

[Caller 5]

Oh, boy.

[Caller 1]

Y' all don't want the tears over. Hey, pat, my homegirl brief with you on verse. You put me on the artist.

[Pat]

All right, that started off crazy. I did not. Your homegirl. That got crazy. Okay. I got a question for you.

[Caller 4]

Yeah?

[Pat]

What's your rant of the week?

[Caller 1]

I gotta stop nutting. Stupid, man.

[Pat]

Gotta stop what?

[Caller 1]

I gotta. I gotta stop nutting this for, man. But, like, I know it sound bad. It sound bad.

[Pat]

Like, it's a crazy sentence.

[Caller 1]

It sound bad, but, like, it wasn't on purpose. Like, you know, when you first meet somebody, you don't really know. You don't really know for real until, you know, until y' all really link.

[Pat]

No, I know she a stripper, though,

[Caller 1]

but she told me she used to be type. But, you know, she don't. She don't pay no bit. Like, you know, she. She lived with a. With a. With a roommate. She got a dude roommate. Like, none of this. It was really making sense to, like, afterwards. But, like, let me get into it, though.

[Caller 2]

We.

[Caller 1]

We go to see Avatar, right?

[Mike]

Cool.

[Caller 4]

Fine.

[Caller 1]

Daily cuddling up. We go get some food. She already flirting, trying to talk crazy talk about, you know, just talking unholy things. You feel me? Then. Then we get in the whip. He started making out. I'm like, girl, let me take you home. Because she, mind you, she live 40 minutes away from me. I already gotta drive. Drive this bro back home. So I don't. Bro, just calm down. We already in public. And mind you, I'm in a fishbowl. You try to do this in front of all these. In front of the restaurant, bro. So, boom, we go. We get. I get up. I get on the Eway, bro, Tell me why this get to going down as I'm driving. You're tweaking. You're tweaking.

[Pat]

I ain't gonna lie.

[Caller 1]

It was fired. Real. Real nigga.

[Pat]

I can't believe I wann that Ms. Hella exes. God.

[Caller 1]

Hey, shout out lane assistant cruise control on, bro. So boom, I get up to the crib. I get up to the crib. Then she talking like, oh, yeah, we might also just duck off because, you know, I want to finish. I'm all right.

[Caller 2]

Boom.

[Caller 1]

Then she gets to talk. She want to crash, huh? All right, all right, all right, cool. As soon as you get on top, right? I'm like, all right, I'm about. I'm about to. I'm about to. I'm about to. You feel me? I'm already my feet all the way down.

[Pat]

Let him finish.

[Caller 1]

I know it's crazy.

[Pat]

Let him finish, Mike.

[Caller 1]

They see like. See like, oh, okay. Then keep going. What the is wrong with you? Then she stopped. I'm like, bro, get the off me. Did she laughing, bro? Guess what the she say right after she said, you ready to be a daddy? What? When I tell you I ain't go. I ain't go to CVA as fast enough, bro. And I get to the crib, I get to the crib. I asked her, I'm like. I asked her, I'm like, so when was your last period? She like, two weeks ago. I said, oh, so that means like you. You at the. You at the pinnacle point of fertility right now, right? Yeah, two weeks. I gotta know if I'm gonna be daddy or not, man.

[Mike]

Avatar, though.

[Caller 1]

Oh, nah, like, oh, bro, I did see Avatar, but it was like the theme, I guess. You know, they was be freaking that movie.

[Mike]

But like, I'm just saying that the re. The recent.

[Pat]

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Caller 1]

So you went to all this just happened yesterday, all this.

[Pat]

But listen, okay, but, but okay, let's go back to this. You went. You actually went to cvs?

[Caller 1]

I had to, bro. I went to Walmart.

[Pat]

But like, okay, but I'm just saying, you got what you got the day after pill, right?

[Caller 1]

I got that one step on, bro.

[Caller 4]

Whatever.

[Pat]

Whatever it's called. Okay, you got it. But did she take it?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, nah, hell no. Cause I spoke mind you where she has like in the suburbs or whatever, so everyone's sitting nearby. So I went back to the grave and I got that came back, she tried it. Oh yeah, I forgot this. I pulled back up. Mind you, her roommate is a. I pull back up. She not answering the phone. I'm like, why the you not answering the phone right now? Hell no. Right? Hell no, right? That's why I get about the wig, you know I got. It's 11:30 in the morning. Of course I got on me. You feel me? Safety on, bro. I bring the doorbell. You're a dog. Then I hear a. He's like, man, what the. And then that's when she gets to reading my. Then texting my. And she's like, oh, you know, just go back in the crib. Just go back in the whip. I said, it's cold as her the up. Then like five minutes later, that's when she bop out. And then, mind you, I hear. And he's off the inside as I'm waiting outside the door. I use her. Oh, okay. I was about to sit this through. You finna Swiss tease me. For what? And although she, you know, she got to the whip, so I'm like, cool. I'll watch her take it. I'll bust a little, you know, that hard ass box to open up, you know, Give it to her. Yeah, I got the little drink in the whip. I'm like, all right, let me see you, you know. Then she take a sip. Take a sip. Then she talking. Take another sip. I said, all right, open your mouth. I'm looking through a tongue, y'.

[Caller 3]

All.

[Caller 1]

Put my finger all through that. Making sure ain't no, no, no,

[Caller 3]

I

[Caller 1]

gotta make sure I don't. For hell no.

[Pat]

That's a Chicago love story right here.

[Caller 1]

I said, yeah, I gotta. And the worst part about it all, like, two days ago, she asked me to be her Valentine. I said, yeah,

[Pat]

no, they locked in. I think you like her, bro. You like her on a low, bro.

[Caller 1]

No, like. Like, I ain't gonna lie. You know, I still as high as hell, you know, like, damn, you freaking. But, like, not now. Not likable, though.

[Pat]

I ain't gonna lie. Just. Just ready to have a baby with her, though.

[Caller 1]

Nah, nah, I gotta. I told her I was like, maybe two like too.

[Pat]

That's us. That's on us. Make sure that that's on us. We knew he was getting there and we. We antagonized him and antagonized.

[Caller 6]

Hey, how's it going, guys?

[Pat]

Welcome to Crash Dummy's podcast. Oh, my bad, Trav. Say I'm good. Is that rude to kind of skip

[Mike]

over your podcast, bro?

[Pat]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Welcome to Crash Podcast.

[Caller 2]

Thank you.

[Caller 6]

Thank you. I'm glad to be here.

[Pat]

All right, we got a question for you.

[Caller 6]

Yeah.

[Pat]

What's your dilemma?

[Caller 6]

My dilemma right now is trying to see if I want to continue things with this 32 year old I met because we hooked up first, link. But I did let him know that I do have an sti, and he still wanted to go through with it, so that's kind of a red flag for me.

[Pat]

Well, did you go through with it?

[Caller 6]

We went through with it.

[Pat]

So where's your red flag? Don't you have one, too? Matching at that. Y' all sound like a good couple to me.

[Caller 6]

No, because I told him ahead of time, and I didn't. Like, I was not prepared to do anything, and he was more so like, with it than I was, and I was just like, okay, that. That.

[Mike]

Wait, you're just like, okay, what? Sorry, it hung up.

[Caller 6]

Oh, my bad. Did you hear me?

[Mike]

No, no, it hung up on accident. You just said. And you was like, what?

[Caller 6]

Oh, I said, I wouldn't have done that in my position. In his position? Absolutely not.

[Pat]

I don't make no sense. They really don't, because you participated in something that you're giving somebody else a red flag for, so.

[Caller 6]

Yeah, but it's just, like, I let him know ahead of time. I was just like, okay, you know, I'm not trying to do anything. You know, I have this. I'm still in antibiotics. You know, I should be clear in, like, two weeks. And he was just like, if you started the antibiotics, you know, I don't mind. And I'm like, are you sure? And he want to, like, went through with it. I wouldn't have gone through with it.

[Mike]

But you still had the power to tell him no.

[Pat]

Yeah, to me. To me, it sounded. It sounds like two people were starving and two people ate. That was like. Y' all was both starving. Like, I don't get why you giving him a red flag. You don't think you can give him a little bit Grace because you did the same thing.

[Caller 6]

I think he was more so willing to do it than I was. So I'm just like. It took a lot of convincing on my part, so I'm just like, okay,

[Caller 3]

put it on the table, girl.

[Pat]

Like, I feel like you, like. It's almost like you, like, downplaying yourself. You're saying, like, ooh, that was so nasty of him to have sex with me.

[Caller 6]

You might be right. You might be right, because I wouldn't have done it. I would have canceled the entire day. I wouldn't have done it.

[Pat]

So what's the. So, like, are you still talking to him now?

[Caller 6]

Yeah, but it's given. I don't know.

[Caller 7]

He.

[Caller 6]

He's 32, which. I'm 24, so it's already a big, bigger age Gap. And he doesn't have a job right now. Hopefully he doesn't listen to this podcast.

[Caller 2]

He.

[Caller 6]

Then he got a DUI in November, so he doesn't even have his license either.

[Mike]

So I'm like, sti now?

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah. Don't got a dui, but gotta ask.

[Caller 6]

I was like, make sure you get tested afterwards. You know, just in case you think, well, I don't have health insurance. And I was like, oh, I mean, he only.

[Pat]

So he's stupid too. Yeah, he just like. But just like, okay, okay.

[Caller 3]

Like, she probably gotta go get checked again.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He might have brought some with him. Oh, my God.

[Mike]

I gotta make sure something.

[Pat]

Yeah. So, like, okay, this is my thing. Like, when people come on this show with dilemmas, like, obviously, we're grateful that you, you know, saying your dilemma to us, but you're saying all these negative things. So that tells us, like, you can process this in real time.

[Caller 6]

Yeah, I just. I don't know. I just don't know if I want to give him a shot because he's going through a rough time and I'm like, okay, I know. Guilty.

[Pat]

Let's talk about you, though. Like, let's talk about your thought process.

[Mike]

Like, I mean, you talked about before. I guess they're both Are just way too horny.

[Pat]

But she hasn't admitted that she's horny, though. Yeah, like, she needs to miss.

[Caller 6]

Oh, my God. I don't think.

[Mike]

No, no. We're gonna do some accountability here. Okay.

[Pat]

There we go.

[Mike]

You don't have to say your name. Just say I.

[Caller 4]

I.

[Mike]

Crash Dummies caller.

[Caller 6]

Crash Dummies caller.

[Pat]

I'm nasty as.

[Caller 6]

That's crazy.

[Pat]

You're nasty. Just say it. It's okay if you.

[Caller 7]

You live.

[Pat]

Whatever you call him. You are too

[Caller 4]

crazy.

[Caller 6]

Listen, I don't know. I told him. I told him straight up. I was just like, I don't know how you did. I wouldn't have done that. I already have it. I'm on antibiotics. You're clean. But, you know, hey, at least.

[Mike]

At least give some of the antibiotics.

[Pat]

Yeah, I'm done with it now.

[Caller 6]

I'm free now.

[Pat]

At least share something. Share some of them pills, girl.

[Caller 6]

To hook up with them again because I'm not trying to get it. Get it again. That'd be crazy.

[Pat]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Mike]

All right, you have a good one.

[Pat]

You're so cooked.

[Caller 6]

You too. All right, bye.

[Mike]

Remember, Crash Dummies listeners, practice safe sex. My charts, all that jazz.

[Caller 1]

Jazz.

[Caller 7]

Hi.

[Pat]

Yo, what's good? Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies.

[Mike]

Yo.

[Pat]

Welcome to Crashing Me's podcast.

[Caller 2]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Pat]

I guess this is the ladies episode.

[Mike]

It's a lot of girls.

[Pat]

No, it's all girls.

[Mike]

Is it?

[Pat]

Welcome to Crash Podcast. We got a question for you.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, what's up?

[Pat]

What's your dilemma?

[Caller 2]

So my dilemma is falling for a normal man who treats me nicely and gives me all the love I want and need.

[Caller 6]

So being conflicted.

[Caller 2]

I have children and I'm incredibly toxic.

[Mike]

Can you repeat that again?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, just liking somebody that's really nice to me and has. Is normal and has good penis and everything. But being a lady who's very toxic and has children, it's very hard.

[Pat]

You got an inhaler or something?

[Caller 2]

No, dude, I just, I'm.

[Caller 7]

I ride a bike for work.

[Pat]

Oh. Oh, you just got off a bike?

[Caller 6]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Okay. It's nice to know. We'll give you time for a breather, like. Thank you.

[Caller 4]

There you go.

[Pat]

She about to kill herself over this.

[Caller 2]

I had to climb, like, three flights of stairs.

[Pat]

Don't pass out during our show. It's just a talk show. We can slow down if you want

[Mike]

to, but so did this.

[Caller 2]

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

[Mike]

Does this guy want something more serious? And you're not, like, willing to do that?

[Caller 2]

No, he absolutely wants something more serious. But, like, I'm a hot pocket and I like to live my best life, and I use men. Describe what you and I don't know how.

[Pat]

What is a hot pocket?

[Caller 6]

Like, you know, I'm.

[Caller 2]

I, I. This is. Okay, okay, okay.

[Caller 6]

My bad.

[Caller 2]

When I said my hot pocket, like, I live my best life as a single woman. I don't have kids when I don't have kids, and when I do, I do.

[Mike]

Before we just say, what do you mean by a hot pocket? Come on.

[Caller 2]

We're all like, I, I, I get around, you know?

[Mike]

Okay.

[Caller 2]

I like to spread the love.

[Pat]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller 2]

I mean that too. I mean, that wouldn't be the first

[Pat]

time I thought she was saying, like, she hard on the outside, she tastes good for the first bite, but she really cold in the middle.

[Caller 2]

I mean, that's that as well. Like, I'm very emotionally detached.

[Caller 1]

There we go.

[Caller 2]

And. And I just, like, I've been known to use men's for things. And then there's this guy. Yeah. Multiple at the same time. We got a barbecue in the backyard with everybody. All my lovers in the backyard.

[Pat]

Men is already plural, by the way.

[Caller 2]

I know. That's why I had an extra plural in because it's that real.

[Pat]

God damn.

[Mike]

How many guys Are you currently talking to

[Caller 2]

right now?

[Caller 7]

3.

[Caller 2]

The one is a sponsor, one is a potential, and then the one, the

[Pat]

normal person, that's the one you're afraid of because it might be something.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And we used to kick it before and then we stopped because I told him not to catch feelings.

[Pat]

Okay. Uninteresting. I don't care about the Mr. Potential. I don't care about Mr. Normal. I want to talk about the sponsor.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, you want to talk about the sponsor?

[Caller 4]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

How is he sponsoring you?

[Caller 2]

Oh, he pays my rent. He pays for vacations for me and my hot pocketivities.

[Pat]

Like rent every month or just like sometimes every month?

[Caller 2]

Every month.

[Caller 1]

God damn.

[Pat]

How old is he?

[Caller 2]

He is 46.

[Pat]

46. How old are you?

[Caller 2]

31.

[Pat]

31. So like does the sponsor get the cash in every once in a while or he just like kind of sponsored from the distance?

[Caller 2]

He sponsors from a distance. He stays in Colorado, I'm in California, but I'm on the wheel, so I'm jazzed about that.

[Pat]

So you've. Have you ever had like any intimate situations with him or just like we've

[Caller 2]

made out and like dry humping, but nothing beyond that.

[Mike]

Dry humping in the big twins in

[Pat]

2025 as 26 as grown ups. What would cause y' all to drive home?

[Caller 2]

As a grown up, I enjoy dry humping. Like give me your thigh and let me just.

[Pat]

Boring.

[Caller 2]

But no, no intimacy. And that's why it's even nicer. He just pays for my life to live my best life. And we just chat and I send nudes and that's it.

[Pat]

Oh, he wanted them dudes. He one of them dudes that sit all the way in the back of the strip club with binoculars, you know?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, exactly.

[Pat]

Well, happy for you. I know it's people not gonna hate on your situation. Do you. You enjoy sending news, I'm guessing so.

[Mike]

So what?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, I have a whole series called back shots and bathrooms where I just take pictures of my backside in random bathrooms.

[Caller 6]

Boring.

[Caller 7]

No.

[Pat]

Okay, but he like it.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Pat]

Somebody like it, right?

[Mike]

So, so does this.

[Caller 2]

I mean a lot of people like it a lot.

[Pat]

God.

[Mike]

There's normal, there's normal. Guy know you do these things?

[Caller 2]

Oh yeah. He's like, keep the sponsors, live your best life.

[Pat]

That's some type. I say, you know, don't lose your sponsor because he know he not staying.

[Caller 3]

That's why he don't know about the potential.

[Caller 2]

Well, no, no, he is. He. He wants to. I've told him that Like, I'm not really down for it. He's like, no, no, no. Would you say he take me out for my birthday?

[Caller 3]

But your regular don't know about the potential, though.

[Caller 2]

No, not at all. Not at all.

[Pat]

So, potential, really?

[Caller 4]

He.

[Pat]

He the mystery dude out of all this?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, he knows everything. But nobody else knows anything.

[Mike]

Does your sponsor.

[Caller 2]

He's trying to buy me a farm and everything.

[Mike]

Does your sponsor know about them?

[Caller 2]

No, the sponsor's not supposed to know. He's just a sponsor.

[Caller 3]

Damn.

[Pat]

I mean, I don't like. Wait, what's her dilemma? Sound like you got everything figured out.

[Caller 2]

Well, I'm a modest woman, and I would love to have a family and everything.

[Pat]

After all that. What the. Like, bro, we. We. We. We love women on this podcast.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

And I think.

[Pat]

I think every woman. I think every woman should Deserves love. Until today.

[Caller 2]

Absolutely.

[Pat]

You don't deserve it.

[Caller 4]

Dang.

[Caller 1]

Just.

[Pat]

Just stay in your little hot pocket, man. Stay there.

[Caller 2]

I'm. I wanna. I'm. You know, I'm getting old. I'm 31. It's time to settle down.

[Mike]

I feel it.

[Caller 2]

I got two children.

[Pat]

Back shots in bathrooms. Getting too mature for that.

[Mike]

What the. You have two kids already.

[Caller 2]

I do, yeah.

[Mike]

Nice. Nice. Congrats.

[Caller 2]

I've been married and everything, though, so, like, I guess from the.

[Mike]

The marriage.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, they're from the marriage. I got divorced, like, four years ago.

[Pat]

Or. Living your best life. What happened?

[Caller 1]

You know what happened.

[Pat]

Did you leave? He left.

[Caller 2]

Oh. Domestic violence. I was a domesticator. I was the violence person, if that means anything.

[Pat]

No, that's double standards.

[Mike]

Double standards.

[Pat]

Double standard. We got to get you off the phone. Oh, I gotta make sure. I gotta make sure I stick up for the dude. So mind me when I say this.

[Caller 1]

You. Thank you.

[Caller 2]

I love you, too.

[Pat]

I love you, too, Lou.

[Caller 2]

It's okay.

[Caller 7]

Hello?

[Caller 1]

Hello?

[Pat]

Oh, my gosh.

[Caller 6]

Hi.

[Caller 7]

Mike and Pat.

[Caller 2]

Hey.

[Pat]

What's the deal?

[Caller 1]

Whoa.

[Caller 7]

Nothing much.

[Caller 6]

How are you?

[Pat]

You're the first person that ever had your video on. When we call, I don't know what you think about to go on, but

[Mike]

got the red lights on and everything.

[Pat]

About to get crazy.

[Caller 7]

This is just my room.

[Caller 6]

That not too much and I'm sorry.

[Caller 7]

Okay, I'll turn it off.

[Pat]

No, you ain't gotta turn it off. Mike got the phone. He don't care.

[Mike]

What's something you want to get off your chest?

[Caller 7]

Freaky men need to, like, come with, like, you know, I don't know. Like, we'll remind you something. Like, they're scary.

[Pat]

Describe A freaky man,

[Caller 7]

okay? A man that wants to have sex with you with no deodorant. And then, like, he wants to suck your armpit.

[Pat]

I get what he doing. He trying to even it out. He, like, I'm gonna suck the deodorant off her shit. So we both want to.

[Caller 1]

So, no.

[Caller 7]

Like, he will request you not to wear deodorant to it.

[Pat]

Oh.

[Caller 1]

Oh.

[Mike]

So is this somebody that you're dealing with right now?

[Caller 7]

Off and on.

[Pat]

This girl dating Tarzan. Wait, but you participated, though?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Did you do it?

[Caller 7]

Maybe a couple of times.

[Pat]

Interesting.

[Mike]

So you didn't wear deodorant and then he sucked your armpits?

[Caller 7]

Okay, no, I only did it. I didn't wear deodorant one time. And then, yeah, he sucked my armpit. Like, kind of left a little hickey. And then. But then after that, it was like. It's just. I just found it weird after a while because then he started doing, like, more freaky things.

[Pat]

Okay, you know, we gonna ask what the freaky thing is?

[Caller 1]

Come on.

[Caller 7]

Okay. Okay. We're kissing, making out, whatever. He, like, literally sucked the out of my tongue. Like, there was no saliva left on my tongue.

[Pat]

Oh, okay. Is that. Is that it?

[Caller 7]

Well, it's not too bad.

[Caller 6]

Okay.

[Caller 7]

It's not weird because everybody does it kind of, but I'm just not used to it. Like, he loves to eat ass, but, like, he wants to make sure it's sweaty. Like, you know, like, I actually did something today.

[Pat]

Oh, he wants you to go to work. Like, work this nine to five and come straight to me. So this. So anytime someone complains about a king, this is the. The question that I've learned to ask is, were the kinks a thing that made you stop talking to them, or did something else happen and now you're complaining about the kink Kings.

[Caller 7]

No, it was the Kings. It was the Kings. But then also other things happened.

[Pat]

Like what?

[Caller 7]

Like, I was working. Did it like a whole double. 18 hours. He wanted to see me so bad. I said no.

[Mike]

Prime condition.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God.

[Pat]

18 hours.

[Caller 1]

Shit. There.

[Caller 4]

That's like.

[Pat]

That's like having the pot roll on that. Like that falling off the bone.

[Caller 7]

That.

[Mike]

That's his wagu.

[Pat]

The tenderism. The tenderism that said that was falling off the bone. Oh, my God. But go ahead. You said you had ATI our cooch. And what happened?

[Caller 7]

But, yeah, he wanted me so bad, but I was telling him, like, no. Like, I'm tired. Like, no, I just don't. And I got working the next morning, so like, no. And he just took that to her.

[Pat]

Oh, you just teasing him down. I got work in the morning, too.

[Mike]

You're not gonna take a shower, and then you're gonna go back to work. So then you probably get, like, what, 24 hours of sweat, no shower, 36.

[Caller 7]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

Oh, man. So why is it on and off? Like, why. Why haven't you left him?

[Caller 7]

Only reason why I left him the first time, it was because, like, he would do, like, he would say things to hurt my feelings. And, like, I don't like that because then if I go to hell, you're gonna be mad. Yeah. Like, if you try to hit me,

[Caller 6]

but I'm below, I'm gonna go all

[Caller 7]

the way to hell. Like, I'm gonna get you. Like, I'm gonna bring up your mom problems. Like, I don't do that.

[Mike]

That got it.

[Caller 7]

Because I didn't. I'm trying to have a conversation.

[Pat]

Okay. Okay. Can I ask you a question? When. When he talks down on you, has he ever said that you stink?

[Caller 7]

No.

[Pat]

Interesting.

[Caller 3]

Interesting.

[Caller 7]

Well, so he just trying to be

[Caller 6]

like,

[Caller 7]

he's good at what he does, like, you know, other than the weird things. But, like, you know, he's good to be around. Like, I actually have a friendship with him, like, before we started actually being, like, sexual.

[Caller 3]

Right.

[Mike]

Is there anything that he wants you to do to him? Or is it just he's the one that, like, are doing all the kinks to you?

[Caller 7]

He's doing all the kinks to me.

[Caller 1]

Got it.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

Well, this is good to know. Good information to have, you know?

[Caller 7]

Yeah. Pat. Whenever you want to try it.

[Caller 1]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Pat]

I'm good. Stink,

[Mike]

Yo.

[Caller 5]

Hey, y'.

[Caller 1]

All. What's good?

[Pat]

No service. All type of trash, yo. What's good, bro?

[Caller 5]

Hey. How's it going, y'?

[Caller 1]

All?

[Pat]

Good, Good.

[Mike]

I got a question for you. What's your dilemma?

[Caller 5]

Oh, all right. So the current girl that I'm talking to is trying to force fed me.

[Pat]

Like, they're trying to what?

[Caller 5]

She trying to. She trying to, like, turn me into a girl.

[Caller 3]

Forest fem.

[Pat]

Oh, force femme fem.

[Mike]

Okay. I've never heard that term.

[Pat]

Learning something new today. I like it.

[Mike]

I think.

[Caller 3]

How's that going?

[Caller 5]

Yeah, I think. I think it's, like, a fetish or hers or something.

[Mike]

How's each, like, how is she trying to turn you into a girl?

[Caller 5]

Oh, so she's trying to, like, dress me up like one. And I can, like, tell by some of her behavior that she, like, wants me to be more visibly girly.

[Caller 7]

Okay.

[Pat]

Explain the behaviors.

[Caller 5]

Okay, so when we were first, like hanging out, it started getting colder out. You know, I'm out in Chicago, right? And she was like, oh, yeah, like, take this, you can go home. Big sweater or whatever. Right. I started noticing over time that she was like actually like buying clothes specifically for this, like specific cut sweaters, some like blouses and stuff like that. You're making her sound like.

[Mike]

You're making her sound like she's your mom. How old is she?

[Pat]

Oh, no, no, no. Hold on.

[Caller 5]

Well, for 43, first of all, she's like 29.

[Pat]

Okay, there you go.

[Mike]

It starts to make a little sense.

[Pat]

Yeah, she definitely be a teenage mom to you.

[Caller 5]

Hey, listen, I, I, I, I'm an adult. I, I, I have agency.

[Mike]

Like, agency.

[Caller 3]

You don't got to convince us, man.

[Pat]

I don't know what you're trying to prove here. Okay, so other question. Do you know any of her exes or have you seen them?

[Caller 5]

Oh, so she's lesbian.

[Pat]

Okay, you could have started with that.

[Caller 3]

Are you lesbian?

[Caller 5]

No, I'm like, I'm like a whole 29 year old man.

[Pat]

A hole.

[Caller 3]

That doesn't answer.

[Pat]

I'm a whole 29 year old man.

[Caller 5]

I mean, I guess if I could be lesbian, like,

[Pat]

whatever you're about to say, do not say it. Probably the dumbest you're ever gonna say. No lie.

[Mike]

Well, I guess we were trying to ask, like, what you identify as guys.

[Caller 5]

Oh, a straight man.

[Mike]

So she's male. So she's. So she's lesbian, but you guys are in a relationship.

[Caller 5]

Yeah, but I think she's trying to like, I think she, I, I think I, I think she trying to like, turn me into a girl to make herself feel better about being lesbian.

[Pat]

But she's. So she's bisexual. No, no, no.

[Caller 5]

She, if you ask her, she lesbian.

[Caller 3]

So you're letting her.

[Caller 5]

I mean, when you put it that way, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She's like, I'm lesbian. And then like, I'd be waving.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, whatever makes sense.

[Mike]

Free yourself, bro. It's all right, bro.

[Caller 1]

It's good, bro.

[Mike]

Just be yourself.

[Caller 3]

Hey, if it fits fire, bro. Don't complete. Can't you really complain? You know, like, if you with the fits.

[Caller 5]

Yeah, I just don't know about like being called like a girlfriend in public. I'm like, what's going on?

[Mike]

Wait, what?

[Pat]

She's calling you her girlfriend?

[Caller 4]

No.

[Caller 5]

What other people are. Because, like, she, like, I'm, she's like, I'm lesbian and Then she points at me and I got like a whole mustache. And they're like, are you a stud? And I'm like, no, you can't care

[Caller 3]

about what people think though.

[Mike]

Actually, even I've never even seen a stud with a mustache.

[Caller 3]

I have.

[Caller 1]

You have?

[Mike]

Really?

[Pat]

All right, man. This is, this is crazy. It's different though. I've never heard of a situation like that. Do you want to be in this relationship still?

[Caller 5]

I mean, I mean like, yeah, I just, I just like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I don't know about being a lesbian. I don't know how to like, I

[Pat]

don't know how to like explain crazy. Like, have you brought this up to her? I guess is the next question.

[Caller 1]

Question.

[Pat]

Have you confronted her about it?

[Caller 5]

Kinda. So like, so like back when we like first like intro, like, like met each other because she'd been like checking me out for like a good minute, right? She came up to me at this one party and she just like introduced herself, says hi or whatever and then, you know, I respond and she's like, wait, you're a guy?

[Caller 2]

And.

[Caller 5]

And I'm like, yeah. And she's like, well, well, well, I'm a lesbian. And I'm like, well, there's got to be some room in the budget if we got here, right?

[Mike]

Is going on, bro? What's going on? What is this?

[Pat]

That's crazy. What are we talking about? So are you going to be with like, where do you see you and her going, like, are you guys going to get married or what?

[Caller 5]

I mean like if, if. I mean, I'd love to get married, but I think she want me to wear the dress, which I'm kind of confused about.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I mean, you know, you ladies deserve happiness, man.

[Caller 5]

I'm a man.

[Pat]

Yeah, brother, you're gonna get pegged.

[Mike]

Oh my gosh. Oh man.

[Pat]

It's only a matter of time, right?

[Mike]

Bro, honestly, just have, have that discussion with her and just. You just gotta stand your ground a little bit more.

[Caller 5]

I do, but then she be like buying me like a designer blouse and then I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like a light skinned 2 Hollis

[Mike]

n. Hey, if you, I mean if you want to wear it, you just wear it. If you don't, you don't. I don't really know like if what or. But.

[Pat]

So he's wearing the blouses. Is that what he said?

[Mike]

That means he likes them?

[Caller 5]

I mean, I'm not, I'm not turning down a gift for my girl. I'm not starting an argument. Like, that's the problem. I don't like, like the problem.

[Caller 1]

It's like.

[Caller 5]

It's like, chill.

[Mike]

You might be afraid that you actually like the way the blouse looks.

[Caller 5]

No, I know I look good. No, I'm not afraid about that. It's just, like, the implications.

[Pat]

No, one more question. What is. What is. What's the sex like? Not like. You don't have to describe yourself.

[Caller 5]

Oh, it's some fire.

[Pat]

But I'm just saying, is it, like, kind of what you've been used to, like, your whole life, or.

[Caller 3]

No.

[Caller 5]

Yeah. No, she's not actually into, like, the pack. No, she's not. Like, she's not trying to touch. Touch my. She don't want to touch my butt. It's just like, she want me to be a girl. No, this shit's, like, freaky.

[Caller 4]

No, it's good.

[Caller 5]

It's good. Y'.

[Caller 7]

All.

[Caller 5]

Y' all gotta get someone a little older than y'.

[Caller 1]

All.

[Caller 5]

Like, just. Y' all gotta check it out.

[Pat]

I should be tearing that ass, not mine.

[Caller 7]

Whoa.

[Caller 5]

I mean,

[Mike]

What if you had to explain your job to someone from 1820? What part sounds the most made up?

[Caller 1]

We free.

[Pat]

We good? Kinda.

[Mike]

She's going.

[Caller 3]

All right.

[Pat]

It'd be up because, like, if we could talk to somebody from back then that's of our same essence and same skin color, it would be like we would almost have to say everything's perfect.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Compared to, like, where we were.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Pat]

Because we came a long way.

[Mike]

Depending who you're talking to.

[Pat]

Yes. Depending on perfect.

[Mike]

Perfect definitely has two meanings back then.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Caller 1]

But.

[Pat]

But we're pretty good, you know? I mean, like, from. From anybody. Like, you look at the 60s, 70s, 80s, like, we're way better, but it's still up.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

They still clip you, though. It ain't as bad as it used to be. But they get you, though.

[Mike]

Slave masters. Like, oh, we.

[Caller 1]

We still.

[Mike]

We still catching bots. No, they.

[Pat]

They still. They just. They just prison guards now. You seen Michael Jordan?

[Mike]

No, everybody's not seen. Man, where am I supposed to see Michael Jordan?

[Pat]

Well, exactly. You not. You haven't seen him. He's supposed to do more interviews. He got paid by NBC.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. To be a commentator.

[Pat]

Yeah, bro, he's not doing it anymore. Yeah, he just took the money. But that's what happens when you piss a billionaire off.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And I want y' all to know that every billionaire or every person that we got, that's rich and got all this money. If they're still making music, if they're still playing, you better appreciate them, because, like, once it stops, they gonna realize they don't have to do shit. You see what y' all did to Rihanna, right? Rihanna ain't giving y' all no more music.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Because y' all annoyed her. Every bad critic. Every time you criticize her, she saw that shit, and then she looked at her bank account right after and said, I'm not giving these no more. LeBron James gonna do the same to you, bro. I actually think he might retire and just be like, y'. All.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

That's what Michael Jordan did. Michael Jordan did the interview, and he talked about the game, and then people got online criticizing what he's saying, this and that, and Michael Jordan like, all right, back to my yacht. You broke ass. Since y' all don't want to listen. You know what I'm saying? I try again in 10 years, it's like, bro, every time y' all criticize one of these billionaires, athletes, artists that y' all love, they gonna leave, bro. They're not gonna do nothing.

[Mike]

That's true. I have another topic for you. Another question for you. Is saying, I'm sorry you feel that way a true apology?

[Pat]

I'm sorry you feel. It depends on who it's coming from, and it depends on the situation.

[Mike]

If they say in a relationship situation,

[Pat]

depends, like, okay, if it's something that I can't fix. Right. My ex wished me happy birthday on my Facebook wall. It was nothing I can do. I'm sorry you feel that way. I think that's a really good apology. It's nothing I can do, right?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Why are you sleeping with the next door neighbor? I'm sorry you feel that way.

[Caller 3]

I'm sorry.

[Caller 1]

I'm sorry. No, I'm just saying.

[Pat]

But it's just, like. It definitely depends on, like, the person that's coming from and what situation, in a sense.

[Mike]

So if it's in, like, a. If you say your significant other says, that hurt my feelings is your thing. And you say, I'm sorry you feel that way. Is that a apology?

[Pat]

As a man, that's not. As a man, that's not good enough.

[Mike]

No. Right. I'm sorry I made you feel that way.

[Caller 3]

That's more accountability.

[Pat]

That's more accountability. If you say that made you feel that way, it's just like, come on, now.

[Caller 4]

Yeah.

[Pat]

That's not acknowledging that made you feel that way.

[Mike]

Boom.

[Caller 3]

Sometimes that kind of accountability ain't enough. And they're like, what you gonna do, you know?

[Pat]

Yeah, it's about action, but I.

[Caller 3]

You know, when they want to hit a change.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah. All that changing, it's here nor there.

[Mike]

Sometimes the. The thing that used to, like. Like I had trouble in relationships sometimes is that I feel like sometimes when you make those changes. Right. Sometimes the mistakes just always seem louder than the changes. So even when you make those progressive changes, the little things, maybe it's just like.

[Caller 5]

Like

[Mike]

a girl that wants more, like, physical touch. Right. And you're doing, like, the physical touch. Physical touch, Right. And maybe this one day you don't do the physical touch. Then it turns into you never do. You haven't been doing it. Because it's just that the. The things that go wrong in your life and the things, the big arguments, they always seem bigger than the. The times where you guys almost get into the argument, both of you guys being mature, and then it's like, okay, it's good. Okay, let's agree to disagree, and then you move on or something like that. That they don't. I feel like that doesn't get remembered enough. Like, that's not big enough in your head.

[Pat]

Yeah, is that. But I also feel like with age, those arguments become obsolete.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Pat]

You know, it's like, as a man, if you're. If you're, like, in a relationship, you understand that your woman is going to hit you with waves of argument and it's going to be, like, random sometimes, and sometimes they're not going to come with logic and vice versa. Like, as men, we do it too, but it's our. I feel like it's our job to be like, okay, I know you tripping. There's no point in me trying to correct you. Let's see if you still feel that way tomorrow.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Come on, let's go to bed. Come on, baby.

[Mike]

That's the biggest thing that, like, therapy helped me with is right. Like, that's why I feel like I'm in a really healthy relationship right now, is more of, like, knowing when to, like, admit when you're, like, wrong in a sense. Like. Or just like. Like, actually try to see what you can do to fix the problem. Like, so me and my girl ever have an argument. It's like, what can we do to fix this right now? Is it like this? Revisit this, or. Because it's always like this. Like, what if you start there? I feel like you don't go back and forth because in the past I'll have arguments and then sales say something, and then something from like five years ago that we already, like, said that we apologize for and stuff like that. Then you bring up again and it just turns into like a toxic back and forth worth.

[Pat]

Yeah, it's just like the concept of what's the goal?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Is the goal to be together? Do you want to be together for the rest of our lives? What's the quickest way through this argument so we can get back to getting on track to go towards our goals?

[Mike]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pat]

Because I'm not taking out this trash. I got it. I'll take out his fast. You got it. You got you right? I should not have went to sleep with the trash. Well, you got it. You got it. You win, baby.

[Mike]

Get married.

[Pat]

I'm a man.

[Mike]

Yeah. You ever have those moments where you're at the club and you hear a good song and like, you're a little tipsy or high, whatever, and the song sounds so dope, right. Then the next day you go listen to that song and it sounds ass. I've. So my thing now is to like. I write down the song just so like. Or I save it just no matter what, because I still want to, like, listen to it the next day just to make sure if it was like, was I just in a mood or was that song just ass? And I've been finding a lot of these songs are like, like, not it.

[Pat]

You think so?

[Mike]

I feel like it just not it. I think it's the mood thing. I think it's just the environment made this song better.

[Pat]

I sometimes like listening to something intoxicated makes you think, like, damn, that person was intoxicated when they made it. Like, sometimes when I listen to Young Thug in future, like, I. I would hear. I've heard the song two, three years in a row and I've never liked it. And then I just got super high one day and I'm just like, damn, Young Thug the goat. You know what I'm saying? I understand where you come from. That little squeaky voice.

[Mike]

It's interesting how, like, music is like, it's a mood as well. Like in different environments, in a sense. Like, if you're playing house music and you're in the right setting for that house music, it's always a vibe. Or you're Afrobeats and you're that setting where afrobeats will hit. That's a vibe. And I think a lot of DJs sometimes mess up where it's like they're playing a vibe of songs in a place that's not that vibe. It's not it don't. It don't relate. Like we're in a. We're in a freaking beat up basement right now and you're playing like some classical, you know, just around three. It's totally left field.

[Pat]

Nah, bro, I hate it, bro. You got all these ladies dancing. Yeah, they got the vibe and all here is. Hold on, wait a minute. The who played that put on some Tyler.

[Mike]

The now when they. When start to play too much street music, it's like, bro, come on, bro, man.

[Pat]

The ladies dancing. What's it. Yeah, they all dancing. The chair like, baby, can you hear my car? Every day some new.

[Mike]

What the. And those songs have their place. It's just like. Like I feel like sometimes on the dance where you just see the. The dudes when you. Anytime you start to see the dudes start to get a little too take over the dance for a little too much. Everybody's like jumping hands in the air and it's like very bro ish. It's like, all right, bro, we.

[Pat]

We gotta get back. We gotta get back to making the ladies feel safe. We gotta get back to letting the ladies had a dance floor. I don't give a if you call me a simp or not, you little dick ass. Like these, man. The boys like, I ain't never. I ain't never went and commented and told a bunch of other that they simps. You know what I'm saying? Unless y' all dick gotta be little bro. It gotta be like, bro, what the y' all be talking about? The. The ladies bring the party, bro. They bring the vibes they bring. They gonna dance, they gonna break a move so nobody notice your soft ass standing up against the wall with that weak ass outfit that you wore last week. Just cause it's all black. We still see it's the same jeans. I'm so sick of that hoodie, bro. Wear the same hoodie every time just because it's unzipped. It's still the same hoodie.

[Caller 4]

Like.

[Mike]

And you missing like three rhinestones from last week.

[Pat]

That's. That was five unzip Unfinished legacy drops ago. Get a new jacket. They talk about you like my ul. Yeah, I liked it two months ago too. It's a new drop on the website. Here it is right here. Unfinished legacy co log in.

[Mike]

Oh man, that was funny.

[Pat]

Oh my God. Oh, the Desmond and Chrissy. Yeah, Desmond recently. I don't know if you know Desmond Chris. We.

[Mike]

Yeah, we talked about it.

[Pat]

Come on now. If you don't know who they is, just this times to it then. But he got caught out making out with a girl.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And it makes sense for a dude that's been in a relationship since he was 14 on his first night single get caught making out in a public place. He don't know the rules. He probably thought he was being sneaky.

[Mike]

Like just make. Not even just like a peck. It's like full on makeup session, you know, he.

[Pat]

You know he nutted from that kiss. Never had it, you know. No, that's so it's the only thing I don't like about it that would bother me about people knowing that I've been with the same woman Since I was 14 is people automatically knowing my sex life.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Like you know exactly what my sex life was like if I'd been dating this person since I was 14. That's why he was tonguing her down like that. He never had that before. He try to see what that feel like. But he about to be up. He either I hope he get himself together and I hope he, you know, realize some stuff soon. Because the first girl that throw it back on him n he gonna have a kid, bro. He don't know what he doing, bro.

[Mike]

I hope the girl he was for. From Chrissy's point of view, he was cheating already.

[Pat]

But we don't know what he was doing though. Yeah, I mean, you know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

We don't know how long he was cheating.

[Pat]

It could have been some text messages. It could have been anything.

[Mike]

That when you say infidelity, I think it means like.

[Pat]

Like to somebody who've been dating since he was 14, you don't know.

[Mike]

Yeah, I guess.

[Pat]

You know what I'm saying? It could have been like he never texted another girl before and she went through his phone and found out he had a pen pal or something. You know what I'm saying? It might not have been sex. We don't know. Yeah, we don't know. But he out of there now.

[Mike]

Oh, man. All right. I think that's the podcast. Appreciate y' all rocking with us today. First of all too, all you people that like send messages and saying all the podcast makes your day better and stuff like that, I really appreciate y', all, man. We just me and Pat, I don't make it sad. That's why I want to. Me and Pat went to a funeral for our friends. Has me and Eric's. Their son passed away. 16 year old kid. So this is just a little thing. It's like any y' all going through anything. It's okay. Seek help and, yeah, you all have a good week. Peace.