Instant Type 2 w/ Hassan Phills - Episode 261

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast with Pat and Mike

Episode 261: "Instant Type 2" w/ Hassan Phills
Released: June 3, 2026

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Main Theme and Purpose

Patrick Johnson and Michael Esiobu, joined by comedian Hassan Phills, serve up their signature blend of irreverent humor and candid conversation—this time live from Toronto ("The Six"). This episode weaves through outrageous hypotheticals, social commentaries, and real-life dilemmas, inviting callers to riff on everything from vulnerability in men, relationship dynamics, and awkward public transit stories, to the hard-hitting cultural phenomenon of Kool-Aid pickles. As usual, the hosts mix “scenarios that probably will never happen” with the reality checks and comic takes that define Crash Dummies.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Sexual Hypotheticals

• [00:00–02:38]
  • The episode opens with Pat reading a tweet about how to make someone feel worthless during sex (“suck your teeth while they’re giving you head”), sparking a hilariously candid debate about awkward bedroom reactions—sighing, biting, and ego bruises.
  • Hassan: “Me personally, I can never picture myself down there, but we’re Jamaican...” (00:36)
  • Pat: “If I’m giving you my all and you suck your teeth… I might leave!” (01:27)

2. Social Situations & Awkward Encounters

• [03:03–05:30]
  • Live from Toronto, the crew talks about connecting with fans and having public encounters turn uncomfortably funny—especially meeting a fan with a speech impediment:
    • Pat: “I asked him his name three times and just fist bumped him in the middle of one of his stutters…” (03:48)
  • The group reflects on how people with speech impediments can sometimes sing or rap clearly—a neat observation on talent and neurodiversity.

3. Planes, Trains, and Public Farting

• [05:09–11:14]
  • The eternal struggle with airplane plugs—arching your back in public and “fingering the outlet.”
  • On farting in public: the gym, the train, and the art of blaming toddlers.
    • Patrick: “If there’s a toddler on the train, I’m farting. He the only one on here with a diaper.” (11:02)
  • Mike: “At the gym, I’ve farted and left the whole area…” (11:14)

4. Attitudes, Prejudgment, and Reality Checks

• [12:19–15:13]
  • Patrick shares two recent experiences where he caught himself judging people (an Uber driver, a dog’s owner)—only to realize both were amputees.
    • “I feel like God been giving me a lesson right away... Two amputees in five minutes, back to back, missing limbs.” (13:47)
  • Which body part could you lose and still vibe? Ear, toe, foot—each gets a comic analysis.
    • "Ear? No, I can't do an ear. Your equilibrium be off." (14:56)

5. Viral Video Tangent: Police & Disability

• [15:13–17:22]
  • Hassan brings up a viral video of a cop pulling over a one-armed woman and insisting he saw a phone in her “right hand.”
    • Mike: “She keeps reiterating: So you saw it in my right hand?” (16:36)
  • The group mocks the cop’s stubbornness and reflects on "baiting" authority figures.

6. Relationship Games, DMs, and Social Media Etiquette

• [19:01–21:08]
  • Discuss the performance, posturing, and risk of flirting in DMs and the ever-present risk of screenshots.
    • Patrick: “I’ve never even given a woman a compliment in the DMs if I didn’t know them… You can’t like anything.” (19:14)
  • The evolution of meeting people IRL vs. DMs.

7. Dating, Crushes, and Performing Interest

• [21:08–24:31]
  • The dance of interest—women expecting men to make the approach, despite showing clear signals online or from the audience at live shows.
  • Gift-giving stories on tour—Starbursts, rugs, dried mangoes.

8. CALL-IN TANGENTS & Quickfire Dilemmas

a. Are ‘Retired Hoes’ the Best Wives?

• [25:45–31:05]
  • A caller asserts: "Hoes make the best wives, once they retire." (25:45)
  • The crew challenges his logic—contradictions, unclarified standards, and the circular logic of female "phases."
    • Patrick: “Because you...either pre-hoe or post-hoe...You're contradicting yourself, bro.” (27:57)
  • The caller’s personal admissions (ADHD, autism, military background) get played for comedic effect.

b. Sleeping With Multiple Coworkers—Workplace Drama

• [32:56–35:47]
  • A regular caller admits to drama after sleeping with two coworkers, causing tension at a government job.
  • Pat: “You think you can have sex with two women at a job and then they don’t feel no way... every girl wanna [have been with] the 10-year [senior] been here 10 years.” (34:58)

c. Male Vulnerability: A Therapist’s Perspective

• [35:53–44:32]
  • Rich, a mental health professional, calls to lament the stigma men face when opening up.
    • “We’re told vulnerability is strength. But most of us have learned vulnerability is a risk.” (36:29)
  • Rich shares his own “registry” scare after a false accusation—hosts clarify it’s child abuse and neglect, not the sex registry, adding gallows humor but real relief.
    • “That other list don’t get took off... Oh my God, I never seen that.” (43:16)
  • Memorable Moment—Hosts reel after misunderstanding what ‘registry’ Rich meant, then laugh it off in relief.

d. Trickin’ on Homegirls / Paying for Dates

• [44:35–48:53]
  • A caller describes how his homegirl expected to never pay for food, even when the romantic interest faded.
    • “She made it a whole scene in the restaurant... I jokingly asked her to pay.” (45:24)
  • The hosts discuss set expectations, boundaries, and how economic realities shift behavior.

e. Should a Couple Move Abroad If Only One Is Ready?

• [49:43–52:50]
  • A woman wants to move from the US with her boyfriend; he wants to save up first.
    • Hassan: “Most men, to make that leap of faith…they want to have that for years.” (50:43)
  • “He might be moving too fast for him then.” (52:05)

9. Tweet of the Week & Rapid-Fire Topics

• [53:01–66:49]
  • Pat’s “Tweet of the Week”: On pretending not to know math in public—delegating responsibility (53:04)
  • Escape rooms: Each host’s “tap out” approach (54:34)
  • Outlandish tweets: “Vapes are training you to suck robot dick. Stay woke.” (56:47)
    • Mike: “That would stop a lot of people from smoking vapes—the homophobic people.”
  • Robot relationships, standing in line for shoes/gadgets, and artificially-inflated consumer hype.
    • “It’s a whole business—paying people to stand in line for you now.” (59:03)
  • Kool-Aid pickles and “instant type 2” diabetes:
    • “Y’all think a girl outta y’all league, the whole time she sellin’ Kool Aid pickles.” (60:08)
    • “Nobody makes it to the second one because that heart start tingling…” (60:39)
  • Last food tangent: Candy wings, “fruity pebble wings,” and the impending health crisis.

10. Final Segment: Kids, Baby Daddies, and Dating

• [65:00–66:14]
  • Closing debate: Which is “better”—dating someone with 3 kids by 1 person or 3 kids by 3 people?
    • Mike: “Three kids, same person, that’s wholesome.”
    • Patrick: “I can’t do that...one dude, three kids, he can get called at any time.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If there’s a toddler on the train, I’m farting. Cuz it got to be him. He the only one on here with a diaper.” —Patrick Johnson (11:02)
• “We’re told that vulnerability is strength. But most of us have learned vulnerability is a risk.” —Rich (Caller, 36:29)
• “That other list don’t get took off... Oh my God, I never seen that.” —Patrick Johnson (43:16)
  (On the misunderstanding about the caller’s ‘registry’ experience)
• “Vapes are training you to suck robot d*. Stay woke.”** —Tweet of the Week (56:47)
• “Nobody makes it to the second [Kool-Aid pickle] because that heart start tingling… all your toes fell off after that bite. That’s like instant type 2.” —Patrick Johnson & Hassan Phills (60:39–60:56)
• “Three baby daddies is cool, but three kids by the same dude? I can’t do that… he can get called at any time.” —Patrick Johnson (65:09–65:16)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Sexual Hypotheticals & Ego [00:00–02:38]
• Toronto Encounters & Speech Impediment [03:03–05:30]
• Public Farting Discourse [10:00–12:19]
• Attitude & Instant Karma Stories [12:19–15:13]
• Viral Video (Disabled Driver) [15:13–17:22]
• DM Game & Social Etiquette [19:01–21:08]
• Caller Segment: "Retired Hoes" [25:45–31:05]
• Caller Segment: Workplace Drama [32:56–35:47]
• Caller Segment: Male Vulnerability & The Registry Scare [35:53–44:32]
• Caller: Paying for Dates / Homegirls [44:35–48:53]
• Caller: Couple Emigration Disagreement [49:43–52:50]
• Tweet of the Week: "Math in Public" [53:01–54:06]
• Escape Room & Technical Problems [54:34–55:56]
• Tweet: "Vapes are training you..." [56:47–57:09]
• Kool-Aid Pickles & Instant Diabetes [60:08–62:17]
• Kids & Dating Scenarios [65:00–66:14]
• Hassan’s Tour Promo [66:20–66:49]

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Tone & Style

As always, the episode leans into Crash Dummies’ signature tone—raw, rapid-fire, full of playful jabs and self-deprecating humor, yet open enough for honest conversations about real-life dilemmas. Banter flows naturally; guests and callers riff freely with the hosts, making each segment both unpredictable and relatable.

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Concluding Note

Crash Dummies Episode 261 is a wild, winding journey through modern relationships, social awkwardness, urban folklore, and internet culture. Whether you tune in for the laughs, the life advice, or the uncensored hot takes, this episode delivers, culminating in a stream of memorable exchanges, viral tweets, and ‘can’t make this up’ moments straight from The Six.

Transcript

[Patrick Johnson]

This tweet says if you ever want to make somebody feel worthless, suck your teeth while they're giving you head.

[Mike]

That is harsh.

[Patrick Johnson]

That would be crazy. Like, imagine.

[Mike]

What's. What's worse, though, is a sigh worse?

[Patrick Johnson]

Like, no, because a side can be mistaken. Like, oh, she moaning.

[Mike]

Oh, okay.

[Patrick Johnson]

But, like, if I'm doing my thing and I hear, oh, man, I might bite it.

[Hassan]

Me, personally, I can never picture myself

[Mike]

down there, but where Jamaican.

[Hassan]

Oh, you're just biting it. That's crazy.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, that's crazy. So you don't. You don't eat?

[Hassan]

No, no, no, I do. What do you mean? You said biting it you would bite it. Oh, you're talking about eating a girl?

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Hassan]

Oh, I thought it was, like, you were getting ahead from a girl.

[Mike]

That's what I thought at first. When he said that, it kind of threw me off, but I was just letting him cook.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, God.

[Mike]

Because I was saying from my perspective, when I was like, if I. If I was sighing, like, y' all

[Patrick Johnson]

put myself, like, oh, I'm giving a girl head. And then she suck her teeth, like, and then I just grab her.

[Hassan]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Mike]

That's aggressive as hell.

[Patrick Johnson]

Is that aggressive?

[Mike]

It's hella aggressive.

[Hassan]

I don't think my ego is. I think my ego will be so. So bruised. I. I might grab my things and

[Patrick Johnson]

leave because it's already a thing. Like, I'm not saying, like, everybody doesn't enjoy it.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

But it's kind of like I'm giving you my all. Like, I'm doing something where I'm not getting any pleasure right now. This is for you. And you sucked your teeth.

[Mike]

And you know that the. The girl that you're doing it to probably doesn't like you, because I feel like there's. If a girl really, really likes a guy, then she's probably just gonna fake it at that point.

[Hassan]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

Or, like, grab him.

[Mike]

Come up here.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, Them boys be getting grabbed up. I was eating her so good, she stopped me.

[Mike]

No, she said she couldn't take it. Oh, biggest myths in America.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, she can't. She can't take it. It's such a big myth, bro. That's. Man, I've heard that. I've heard that so many times. Like, bro, we was going last night, we got into it, and she was like, hurry up, because she can't take it no more. I was like, yeah, bro. I think she was fed up.

[Mike]

I had her shit in her stomach. No, you didn't, bro.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, you didn't.

[Mike]

Bro, she lied.

[Patrick Johnson]

She said her stomach hurts.

[Mike]

Yo, yo, that's not what we doing.

[Patrick Johnson]

Hello.

[Mike]

Hey, the radio is for people who are driving. Welcome to crash podcast. Oh, man. Anyway, welcome to Crash Dummies podcast. We got our boy Hassan with us. We're in the Six.

[Hassan]

Yes, we are genuinely in the legendary Six. And Borderline summertime.

[Mike]

Oh, it is borderline. It's popping out here.

[Hassan]

Yes.

[Mike]

I love it.

[Patrick Johnson]

I'm not gonna lie, man. I. I love it out here. This is a place I move. I feel like everybody already know everybody. I feel like people already know us. People walking up to us saying like our names. I had a dude stopped me, tapped me on my shoulder. He okay, am I bogus for this? It was a dude who stopped me and he had a speech impediment, but it was like he had a really hard time like getting the words out. So I thought I would help him out by like not giving him the alley oops to big responses. So I was just like, oh, what's your name? And he like took like a long time to say his name, but I kept missing it. So I asked him his name three different times and it was just like. But I. I don't know. So I still don't know his name. I kind of just fist bumped him in the middle of one of his stutters. I'm like, all right, bro, that's sign language.

[Mike]

He said, yo, all right, man, good.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, it's knuckles now. I'm the city though.

[Hassan]

Yeah, man, it's beautiful, man. Good time to be here. But wait, what was his impedime like? Like was it like.

[Patrick Johnson]

It was like. It was like this. I. I kind of don't want to repeat it cuz I feel bad. But it was like, I was like, what's your name? He's like, andrew.

[Caller 2]

Oh.

[Patrick Johnson]

And it was like that. And I was like. And I was trying to catch it and then I started to try to get the rhythm. So I was like to know when to turn to my big listening ears, cuz you kind of. Cuz the end kind of throw you off. And I. And I'm sure whatever he is is the beginning of the word. And I ain't that.

[Hassan]

So you know, what's a cool thing about those people though? That they probably like, I know a guy who has a speech impediment, but he could sing, like no problem.

[Mike]

I do know people like that.

[Patrick Johnson]

I know people that can rap, like easy to block Capping kind of got a speech impediment, but when he rap, it's clear as hell. Flow crazy. Okay, so, like, turn it off. I'll be turning off my autism all the time. I'll be locking the in as soon as I get pulled over, I'd be like, huh,

[Mike]

bro, you do. You know what makes me feel like less of a man is when I'm trying to charge my phone on the airplane. And, you know, some airplanes have the. The. The plugs.

[Hassan]

The plug is underneath the seat, right?

[Mike]

So now you feeling around like you trying to find. Trying to find the teeth, but I'm

[Patrick Johnson]

like, I can't even get it in.

[Mike]

I'm, like, figuring the outlet and shit.

[Patrick Johnson]

Another thing you're doing, you arching that back because you got to.

[Mike]

Yeah, you kind of have to.

[Patrick Johnson]

You kind of tune it up. Why are you doing it? Why are you doing it?

[Mike]

Why did they put it in the most inconvenient spot and it's not even lit up and shit?

[Hassan]

It's not. It's not. And also, like, you ever get, like, a loose ass plug?

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh,

[Hassan]

he's falling out. Put it back in it.

[Mike]

Is it loose ass plugs? The.

[Patrick Johnson]

That make me feel like a little kid on the plane is when I fall asleep and I wake up and the two people next to me got refreshments and snacks. I be like, ah, yeah, y' all could wake a up. I don't even be with them after that. Like, y' all supposed. Y' all just mad I got the windows.

[Mike]

When is it even appropriate to wake somebody up on the plane? Then? Like, if they're getting refreshments and they're like, sitting, like, maybe the window seat and you got the aisle and like, do you like.

[Patrick Johnson]

Nah, I would never wake nobody up because, like, imagine waking them up and he'd be like, bro, I don't want that. Touch me for.

[Hassan]

That would be my.

[Patrick Johnson]

Hey, man, why does ass.

[Hassan]

You're in the middle seat. You gotta be like,

[Patrick Johnson]

no, for real.

[Mike]

That had a girl lean. I think I told this on the pod before, but there was a girl, like, leaning on my shoulder, and she was. She was middle seat, and her boyfriend, whoever she was with, was on the aisle seat. And I'm the window seat, but it was a red eye flight, and for some reason, she just kept leaning over to my side and leaning on my shoulder. So I started doing the little kind

[Patrick Johnson]

of like, head body.

[Caller 3]

Wake up.

[Hassan]

Huh?

[Mike]

The slight one.

[Hassan]

You do it to us. Yeah. I've had, like, an Indian dude, though. But it was an Indian dude, like an old, like, guy I was on. I was On a flight. And I could tell like he was like going to see family.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Hassan]

On the other side. And they were just like. And he was like, excited. He's like, I'm watching, I'm looking. He had a big phone. He had a big phone. And the font was like. He was on jumbotron, man. The font was on jumbotron. And I'm like reading his. His messages, not even word for word, letter for letter, because. And I'm like, oh, this guy's excited to see his family and stuff like that. I felt so. And then he fell asleep. It was like a. It was like a 10 hour flight. And then he just dozed off into my shoulder and I was just like, yo, you can stay here, man. Stay here, man. And then.

[Mike]

Comfortable.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

The first time I. It was this one, I was single.

[Hassan]

There was a.

[Patrick Johnson]

There was a really good looking flight attendant that I felt like. Kept staring at me and I was like, oh, she stared at me when I got on plane. Because at this age, I think I took a long time off from like taking planes, so I didn't understand the etiquette of a flight attendant. Like, obviously they gonna greet you when you walk into a plane. So me being naive, like 19 year old, I'm like, damn, she talking to me when I get on a plane, telling me I have a safe light. They're like this. I'm thinking, oh, she feeling me the whole time. So I take a nap on the plane and I wake up to her like, hey, hey. So like, oh, let me wipe my eyes. You try to talk to me. She said, lift your seat up, we about to land. I'm like, ah, damn.

[Hassan]

I be getting vexed for. I get mad for other people on planes when if I see like a scenario, I get very nosy. On a plane, I'm on a. I had an aisle seat and there was. On the other side of the. On the other aisle there was. There was a dude who had an aisle seat. But then I guess like this girl and her boyfriend, they bought two different plane tickets so that her. Her boyfriend had a seat way in the back and her. And she had a seat in the front and it was a middle seat. And she asked this guy, Filipino dude asked him, hey, is it okay if you trade seats with my boyfriend? And I was like, I'm in that scenario. I was like, yo, I wish you asked me that could tell your ass. No, no, you should have bought a damn ticket.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, you get what you pay for all that lovey dovey. That's What I'm saying, especially if, you know, the boyfriend's supposed to pay for that. I've paid to sit next to my girl before on a plane.

[Hassan]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

It costs to be the boss, brother.

[Caller 3]

You know?

[Hassan]

The guy did it, though. That's what I'm like, oh, the guy went. And he signed the back and all

[Mike]

the way to the back, though.

[Hassan]

He had like. It was like, yo. He was like, in Rule 8.

[Mike]

Oh, no, no.

[Hassan]

And he went to 24.

[Patrick Johnson]

I would have farted in the seat and got up like, yeah, go ahead.

[Hassan]

Let's put water on the seat.

[Mike]

Your attack mechanism being farting all the time is getting a little suspect now.

[Patrick Johnson]

It's like this. It's like the most disrespectful thing you can do. You know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

Without. Without them being able to say, yo, he assaulted me. I had to fart. It just so happened. You pissed me off at the. It's like a skunk.

[Hassan]

I get it, though. I get it. Sometimes when I'm on, like, public transit because I figured, like, the train is so loud and stuff like that, I shamelessly let it go.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Hassan]

Because it's just so loud. There's nobody.

[Mike]

No one can detect it on the. On the train.

[Hassan]

On the train. That's the train. And now you. If I go brum, you try to

[Rich]

beat match,

[Mike]

They can turn to a DJ. It's like 95 bpm.

[Hassan]

Okay, go turn that down a lot.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay. Especially if somebody look like they stink already. That's perfect timing.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Patrick Johnson]

As soon if it's a toddler on the train, I'm farting. Cuz it got to be him. He the only one on here with a diaper.

[Hassan]

I do it at the gym, too.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, gym is crazy. No, that's.

[Mike]

No, gym happens. Gym happens.

[Hassan]

Gym happens for sure.

[Mike]

But you can walk around at the gym. I've, like, farted at the gym and left the whole area of the gym that, like, if it's the chest area.

[Patrick Johnson]

I think I smelled you before.

[Mike]

But, like, if you're on a train, like, those people can't go anywhere.

[Hassan]

Yeah, they're stuck. But I mean, it depends on what city to. They're immersed in, like, so many different smells.

[Mike]

That's true, too. But I think you. Depending on what train you get on.

[Hassan]

Exactly.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Hassan]

I'd be thinking about, like. Because I was at the gym the other day and everybody had headphones on except for me and my boy, and I was like, yo, we could say anything we want right now. Nobody's listening.

[Patrick Johnson]

Sometimes I don't listen to music in my headphones. I just got it so people don't come up to me. So I really be, like, listening to what people doing, knowing people. Okay, he lifting too much. He grunting every time he go up. That's first rep. And I feel like

[Mike]

when people see you with headphones, just like you said, they think they can say anything. So now I'm listening to random tea of why this girl is cheating on her boyfriend at the gym when I'm getting my bench pressed in because she think I'm zoned in. I don't mountain a random song that's

[Hassan]

not even playing my ears.

[Patrick Johnson]

What else? Damn, man, I don't need. That's not the song. No, I. I've got to repent my sins. I'm sorry. This is what happened. I've been catching attitudes way too early, and I feel like God been giving me a lesson right away. Like, you know, hold your attitude. Make sure you assess the situation. We took an Uber yesterday when we were taking pictures with rain and we were driving around. But when we. When we first hopped into Uber, I felt like the Uber driver, he was doing stuff weird parking, like, to come get us. Even to come get us. He took, like, a weird ass, like, u turn, and it's just like, bro, just cut the car over here. So when we hopped into Uber, it filled up, so I had to sit in the front seat. So now I'm watching him turn his car, and I'm like, bro, this is why you can't drive. He had his left hand all the way over here on the steering wheel, and I'm like, bro, just use both fucking hands. So I immediately look at his hand, and, bro, the other hand, just a bicep with a glove on it. And it was like, a little mitten, too, but no. And then I was like, damn, I feel so fucking bad. And you would think, oh, I learned my lesson. We went to go take pictures, and it was a dude walking his dog. And I'm like, bro, this dog is being bad as hell. Because it looked like the dog kept trying to sit every time it walked. I'm like, oh, he got to drag his dog through the street. I'm like, why people bringing their dogs out if it's not trained and can't walk? And then I get another angle and a dog missing a leg.

[Mike]

Bro, within five minutes apart.

[Patrick Johnson]

Two amputees in five minutes, back to back, missing limbs.

[Mike]

Bro, you.

[Hassan]

You just attract the handicaps.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's what I'm Saying that's how I know, like, Mike gonna end up missing a finger. So why is it me? This is just, like, getting closer in proximity. It's not gonna hit me yet. Y' all gotta teach me one more lesson. I got your best friend.

[Mike]

Don't use me as a lesson.

[Patrick Johnson]

Not Mike,

[Hassan]

not his toe. Not before it get to me.

[Patrick Johnson]

I learned. I learned.

[Mike]

I think. I think God knows you're well equipped to lose a limb.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's so crazy to say no.

[Mike]

I'm just saying. No, no. Knock on wood. But you're. You're very witty, and you got the fast jokes, like, so you can, like, defend yourself from the joke.

[Patrick Johnson]

I would boom myself. I would boom myself.

[Hassan]

You boom yourself. You want to join, like, the Olympics or something?

[Patrick Johnson]

No, no, I would boom myself.

[Mike]

Oh, my.

[Patrick Johnson]

Depending on what amp. Like, what. What am I missing?

[Hassan]

Okay, what about.

[Patrick Johnson]

Let me see if I can finesse it a little bit.

[Hassan]

A toe. One toe.

[Patrick Johnson]

One toe. I'm staying alive.

[Mike]

Oh, a foot.

[Patrick Johnson]

A foot.

[Mike]

Yeah, right foot, too.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, right foot. I'm standing a lot. I can do a foot. Ear.

[Hassan]

Ear. Gone.

[Caller 2]

Ear.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, I can't do an ear.

[Hassan]

Yeah, your equilibrium be off.

[Patrick Johnson]

I think the worst moment I would have. I think I would forget, and then I'd just be out one day. It'd be super sunny. I'd throw on some sunglasses, and then it drop Cricket.

[Mike]

And I'll be.

[Patrick Johnson]

That'll be my. I can't do it no more.

[Hassan]

Oh, wait. Did you guys see the video of the girl? There was, like, a viral video of this woman getting pulled over by a police officer in the same situation.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, yeah, go ahead, explain it.

[Hassan]

The guy. Basically, the police officer pulled him over, the way he has, like, his body cam footage and everything. And the lady is missing her right arm. And the guy. The police officer pulls up. He says, yeah, I'm pulling you over because I saw your phone in your right hand. And she goes, yeah, this hand?

[Mike]

She said, is that. Is that what you said? Is that what you saw? That's what I said. She just kept going back and forth with him.

[Patrick Johnson]

But, like, what was his argument?

[Mike]

Nothing. He said, I'm gonna write you a ticket.

[Patrick Johnson]

He wrote her a ticket?

[Mike]

Yeah, she got a ticket. They dropped the case eventually, but they wrote her a ticket. And then she kept reiterating, saying, so you saw me. You saw me with the phone in my right hand. He said. He said, no, but he said, that's what you said. And she's like. He's like, yeah, but that's what I Thought I saw. It was just like.

[Hassan]

It was just. Yeah, I could tell, like, when he wants to go. When you want to cover the body. Yeah, his hand is like, right there like an uncle taking a picture. And his phone is in his fingers

[Mike]

in the lens like that.

[Patrick Johnson]

He tried to strong arm.

[Mike]

Like, what are the chances? Because obviously he probably. He didn't see her it in the right hand. But he was trying to be so descriptive of what he saw, and then he got cooked. Like, what are the chances that she has one hand?

[Hassan]

I think she's suing the shoeing the.

[Mike]

I would too. Oh, one hand. That's like the ultimate, like, comeback.

[Hassan]

That's the.

[Mike]

Like, you saw it in my right hand. Is that what you. Because before she even showed in their hand, she kept reiterating. So you saw it in my right hand? He said, yes, I saw it in your right hand. And then she showed the nub.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's the thing about, like, the nub, because you can hide it so easily. You know how, like, mind blowing. You as a. I. I get where he coming from.

[Mike]

That was definitely some. Some shock.

[Patrick Johnson]

I give it. No, he. He wrong. He wrong. If he lied. But I get like, if he had already lied, why he stood on business. You gotta stand that. Yeah, because she. At that point, the way she baited him, he like, oh, you suing regardless. So on camera, I might as well stand on business. Yes, I saw it in your right hand.

[Hassan]

She also said, oh, so you're not just gonna give me a warning? And he goes, nah, give you the ticket. Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's crazy.

[Hassan]

Yeah, give you the ticket. She goes, you sure you want to do this? He goes, yeah, I'm grinding you the ticket.

[Mike]

He was too far. He was doing too deep. He was too into.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, maybe he did see it, because maybe she just had it crossed over. Like, this could be.

[Hassan]

No, no, I really want to know. Yeah, she could have been doing one of these.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's how I do it. If I was his lawyer, I'd put her on a stand and I just be like, hey, how you doing? And then I hurry up and toss a phone to her to see if she catch it with the nub. Got you. She talking about something. I knew it.

[Mike]

I was. My girl got on me the other day because I was brushing my teeth and I had my eyes closed. And I sometimes do that, I guess.

[Hassan]

But like, the dog beam, like.

[Mike]

Yeah, but. But I didn't know that other people didn't do it because I think of, like, brushing your teeth. Like, you're Kissing. So you don't kiss with your eyes open?

[Patrick Johnson]

I do.

[Mike]

You kiss with your eyes open?

[Patrick Johnson]

Sometimes.

[Hassan]

That's spectrum behavior, though.

[Mike]

Yeah, that is spectrum behavior.

[Patrick Johnson]

I like to look at her.

[Hassan]

I'm scared of the dark.

[Patrick Johnson]

I like to look at her nose. You got going on.

[Caller 2]

Why?

[Mike]

Didn't know people didn't do that? I think also because in the morning I'd be kind of like, you know, like sleeping.

[Patrick Johnson]

So you're like, yeah, I'll be paying attention to other people like that. I wouldn't even know your girl. I wouldn't know if she closed her eyes or not.

[Mike]

Do you know what?

[Hassan]

When I brush my teeth, I'm thinking about it now. I'm pretty. I'm pretty sure I have open.

[Mike]

Gotta leave it to the listeners then to see why are they open.

[Patrick Johnson]

This tweet a week says, treat everyone like they're wearing a wire. And that. And that's facts.

[Hassan]

That's how I feel like when I'm in the dms. Because anything can be screenshot.

[Mike]

Yes. Yes, yes. Never talk freaky in the DMs.

[Caller 2]

No.

[Patrick Johnson]

Even like when I was single, I never even. I've never given a woman a compliment in the DMS if I didn't know them. Because I, like, know how, like, stuff can be turned and like, you can't even. You can't even like photos these days anymore. Like, you can't like anything.

[Mike]

Everything has hit a meeting.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

In a story.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You see that one meme? It said when I liked her, I didn't like. I liked a different story. Not the one that she thought I was gonna like. Like, maybe it was a picture of her in a bikini or some. At one story. But then you like the story of, like, her at an art exhibit or some. So now she think you different.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's that childish ass game. You go back to her highlights from 2018 and like her. The pictures of her cat's funeral and shit. Wish I was there for you, baby girl. If I was there, Mr. Twinkles would have never died.

[Hassan]

I get performative, man.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's performative. No, but for real like that. It sucks that that stuff still works, though. That's the problem.

[Mike]

It knows does work.

[Patrick Johnson]

It does work because I feel like we're just now getting to a point where people are starting to trade secrets. Like, women are coming out and just be like, yo, if we do this, it means this. And then men are starting to come out. And as we trade secrets more and we can get back to true love. Because it's so Many, like, different stuff that just throw people off in this different game, man. I still see dudes do the, like, with the photographers. They be booking, you know, shoots and stuff. And they just be like, there's one dude, he booked a shoot with the woman because I literally saw the video. He booked a shoot with the woman and, like, wanted her to take a picture of him on a date by himself. So when the photographer came out, there was another chair. He was like, actually, can you just sit down? And then he tried to get a date with her, but she called the cops, though. She called the cops on that. He looks stupid as hell. He got arrested in the tux at a photography studio.

[Mike]

Do you think that's like, the only way then a mean woman these days just dms?

[Hassan]

No, no, no.

[Mike]

I feel like it's like in the. In real life, stuff is kind of more important.

[Hassan]

It's coming back.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

Coming back. It's on this way back.

[Hassan]

It's on his way back. You gotta approach things live.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Hassan]

Because they know it's.

[Rich]

It's too.

[Hassan]

It's almost taboo now. Like, if they. If it happens to them in real life, they'll be like, oh, my God, can you guys believe what happened to me today? Somebody approached me and said, yo, this to me live or works.

[Patrick Johnson]

I've literally heard of women saying, like, they wanted a guy, but the guy wouldn't approach them, like, outside of the DMs, so they didn't give that guy a chance. Like, they wanted it to happen, but they can't go back and tell their girls they mom of how they met this guy. Oh, I let this dude slide in my DM when he see me every day.

[Mike]

There's those situations that do happen because there's situations where I've seen where a girl would follow me and then I'll see and like, all my stuff. Right. I'll see the girl out in public and then they'll pretend they don't know.

[Patrick Johnson]

They don't know you because it's like, it's your time to shine. It's like, it's women out here, which I think this is the correct thing. Way to go. I love women that show, like, hey, I'm showing you interest. But I still want to be approached in a traditional way. It's like, it's there, you know what I'm saying? She put the ball right by the rim. All you got to do is.

[Mike]

You think I would you. The guy should approach the girl.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yes. Why? Huh?

[Mike]

Well, I'm just saying the girls acting like, they don't know who you are at all.

[Patrick Johnson]

You should make her. I'm just saying, if you're very. If you're actually interested in the girl, if you're not interested in the girl, then yes, that's weird as hell. But. But then she finds out it's weird, and then she can move on.

[Mike]

People are just afraid of rejection.

[Hassan]

Yeah, but you also don't have to move to it. Like, as if you. Okay, this is going to be something special. Offer it. You could really just be like, hey, how you doing? My name's so and so. What's yours? Or if you read me my style, I like. I go, I tackle your insecurities off rip. I said, holy, you got a big ass forehead, man. I love it, though. What's poppin?

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah. Oh, that's fire. Yeah, yeah, that'll work perfect.

[Hassan]

It's a landing strip. For all these compliments I'm about to give your ass. Let's go bow.

[Patrick Johnson]

Damn, girl. That second toe bigger than the big toe, but it's great. It look like you breed athletes. I love it. Let's have a family.

[Mike]

As someone ever pretended they didn't know who you were?

[Hassan]

Yes.

[Mike]

That you're talk. Trying to talk, or you guys were like, courting each other in a sense?

[Hassan]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. And it's. It's weird. It's like.

[Mike]

It gets more weird once you find out they knew exactly who you were.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, my God, bro.

[Mike]

It's like, why. Why all this formalities?

[Hassan]

I was on. I went on a date one time and this girl told me. She goes. She goes, I think I know you. And I was like, I told you who I am earlier. She goes, no, like, I know you know you. I said, what do you mean? I. I'm telling you who I am right now. This is like.

[Mike]

She goes, no, I've seen you on

[Hassan]

like a podcast or something like that. I said, I thought I told you what I do already.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, I'll be understanding that this the when we be on tour summit. Like, not all of them. It'd just be like. I would say like one per city. And it'll be like trying to riz me up. I'd be like, how the. You know my favorite number is seven. They'd be like, I love number seven. They'd be like, I know how the. You. I'm like, oh, yeah.

[Hassan]

But there are actually a lot. There's so many cool ones though, man. Cool ones.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, so cool.

[Hassan]

So cool. Just normal. They gifts you guys have. You Guys gotten gifts on the road?

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, we got. We got two rugs so far.

[Mike]

I got some Starburst candy.

[Patrick Johnson]

We got some dope Starburst.

[Hassan]

Like signature Starbursts or just.

[Mike]

No, just. I just asked somebody to bring it to the show and they brought it.

[Hassan]

Oh, is that a thing in America? You guys don't have it in America?

[Mike]

Oh, no, just Starburst, like. Oh, there's regular candy. Yeah, it's just gummies. Anything, Any candy.

[Rich]

Okay.

[Hassan]

Yeah, my thing is dried mangoes.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, you like dream mangoes?

[Hassan]

Yeah, I love driving from Trader Joe's.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay.

[Hassan]

One time I was in. I was in Victoria, bc, and a girl took a ferry from Seattle and took the ferry to Victoria, bc, Came to the show. After the show, she gave me dry mangoes because she knew that I love them.

[Mike]

Oh, that's fire.

[Hassan]

You know, I mean, fire. Would you give her a show?

[Mike]

A double entendre?

[Patrick Johnson]

Welcome to Crash on Me's podcast.

[Mike]

Bro.

[Caller 2]

Bro. Oh, what's up? What's up? What's up?

[Patrick Johnson]

We here with our guy Hassan in the building.

[Caller 2]

What's up, mister?

[Hassan]

I'm good, man. How you doing?

[Patrick Johnson]

Calling somebody mister right away. Get off, get off your knees.

[Caller 2]

Hey, man, I'm Southern, brother.

[Patrick Johnson]

My bad, my bad.

[Hassan]

You right.

[Patrick Johnson]

People gonna be mad at me now.

[Mike]

What's. What's an opinion that you have that most people would disagree with?

[Caller 2]

Hoes. Hoes make. Make the best wives, man. After they done. After they done being hoes once they retire.

[Mike]

Are you in a relationship?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, I'm in a relationship. She ain't no ho. I never do that, but that's my opinion.

[Patrick Johnson]

How you, like, so, like, how long you been with your girl?

[Caller 2]

I've been with my girl almost a year.

[Patrick Johnson]

A year?

[Caller 2]

But I ain't been in a relationship in like, like seven.

[Patrick Johnson]

Did you know her before that?

[Caller 2]

Did I know her before what, like your relationship? Did I know before my relationship?

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, before. Did you know her before you got in a relationship with her? Like, did you know her like for a long time or you just meet

[Caller 2]

her for a long time? I just met her, met her, talked to her for like a month, built out, and then I started dating.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay, all right, cool, cool, cool.

[Mike]

So why do you have this opinion then?

[Caller 2]

Oh, I've been. I was a professional side for like seven years after I got out my six year relationship. So I didn't been with hoes. I'd have been with good women. And I didn't been with the. The women that just cheat on their man and stuff, like that.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, so you didn't send it on.

[Caller 2]

That be cheating. Yeah. The ones that be cheating the most, that's usually the good girls and stuff like that. They had to reserve life. Ain't really get to party in college, then got married early, and then they started cheating once they got married. And then, you know, they. You know how I go when you get married. And they ain't the one, but they ain't never get to explore. Okay, so the hoes.

[Patrick Johnson]

You confusing me.

[Hassan]

Yeah, yeah, they both sound like hoes.

[Patrick Johnson]

Because you. Because you either. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Caller 2]

Listen. You wasn't hosing.

[Hassan]

No.

[Patrick Johnson]

But you saying they either pre hoe or post hole. And like, we trying to talk. Okay, let's focus on your relationship then. Cause you like your girl. Wasn't it? So was your girl a good girl before she met you?

[Caller 2]

Oh, I don't know how she was. I don't ask.

[Patrick Johnson]

But how do you know?

[Caller 2]

But you just said, I think you gotta peep. How they move, what they do, how they talk. A woman gonna tell you everything. You ain't even gotta. You ain't even got to do nothing. You ain't got to go through no phone. You ain't got to see nothing.

[Patrick Johnson]

You're contradicting yourself.

[Hassan]

Yeah, this guy. Yeah, man, you're all over the place.

[Patrick Johnson]

You're contradicting yourself, bro. We talking about light soul. Go ahead.

[Mike]

At the beginning, you did say that. She ain't no hoe, though. So is she not a good.

[Caller 2]

She ain't no hoe.

[Mike]

Is she not a good woman then.

[Hassan]

Then when did you. Why wouldn't you wife it then?

[Caller 2]

You're right. You're right. She's a good woman. She's a good woman. She come over, she'll. She'll clean my. Clean my crib, do my laundry.

[Mike]

So do you think your relationship would be better if you're wifing a former hoe, then?

[Caller 2]

I ain't gonna lie to you. Hell yeah.

[Hassan]

Hell yeah.

[Caller 2]

I ain't even gonna lie. That's why I had to get up out the crib, nigga. Yeah, but I love it, old man. I love her, man.

[Patrick Johnson]

You. You like.

[Hassan]

It's got a little better.

[Patrick Johnson]

Like, where are you from? What state you from?

[Caller 2]

I'm from Louisiana. From the dirty south, man. So you already know. It's. It's Ratchet City. All the. All the chicks. Not. I ain't gonna say all I.

[Patrick Johnson]

Just. Before. Before we get you off the call, I just want you to know that you're contradicting Yourself, because basically, you either saying the girl that you were with was either a hoe before or she's just a good woman and she gonna be a hoe later after. Like, once she. Because she got married too early or she got together with you too early.

[Caller 1]

Oh, she ain't get married too early.

[Caller 2]

She ain't get with me too early. See, the mom did. I'm trying. I'm trying to figure out. I see. Like I said, a woman gonna say everything, and she didn't. She didn't already. She didn't already live. So I ain't gotta just.

[Hassan]

A woman don't say everything, but this guy said a whole lot of nothing. Okay?

[Patrick Johnson]

You literally said that she was a good girl before, and then now you're telling us she lived before she got to you, so she's not gonna cheat on you. So then you just said that he

[Mike]

wants something better, too.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, I want something better. I ain't say. I ain't say. I want something better. I said, it'll be easier to be with a hoe. That. That's. And that's no lie because. Because a woman that had a past, she gonna be honest. She gonna be up front. They ain't never lied. Like, it's. It's all. It's just like that. That. You know what I'm saying? And that's how. That's how it be.

[Mike]

But what would a good girl. What does a good girl have to lie about?

[Caller 2]

All good girls ain't gonna lie. All. I ain't say all good girls. Hoes. I said, that's. That's the path some of them go down.

[Hassan]

I get what he said there just a little bit.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, he got Just like a bunch of random thoughts.

[Caller 2]

I got adh, I got adhd, and I'm. I'm high functioning autistic, so I'm gonna be everywhere.

[Hassan]

He's weaponizing his incompetence right now.

[Patrick Johnson]

That boy, he just put out his medals.

[Hassan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a. There's an Olympics for you, man.

[Patrick Johnson]

Come on, man. I'm double gold, bro.

[Rich]

All right, bro.

[Caller 2]

You have a good one, y' all, too, man.

[Hassan]

Hold it down.

[Caller 2]

Hey, and it's the reason why I was in the military, too, man.

[Hassan]

So for the guys, huh?

[Caller 2]

Yes, sir.

[Mike]

Yes, sir.

[Caller 2]

Straight Special Ed.

[Mike]

Oh, you said for the guys, you said. Yeah, yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, you said.

[Caller 3]

Oh.

[Caller 2]

Oh, no, no, O.

[Hassan]

No, no, no.

[Patrick Johnson]

They recruited you.

[Caller 3]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller 2]

What you mean, yeah, they recruited me? Yeah, they recruited me. I'm. I t. No, I'm.

[Patrick Johnson]

I'm Your you a special ed for real? Like, are you just joking?

[Caller 2]

No, no, I wasn't especially. No, I'm saying because of the autism and the adhd, I'm everywhere.

[Mike]

So is this self diagnosed autism or like autism Autism?

[Caller 2]

No, no, no, no. Like autism autism. My mama used to get a check from.

[Patrick Johnson]

So you weren't in special ed, but you had. But you were getting.

[Caller 2]

I wasn't in special ed.

[Patrick Johnson]

Did you have an iep?

[Caller 2]

I'm high functioning autistic.

[Patrick Johnson]

Did you have an IEP in high school?

[Caller 2]

What is that? No, I went to a college prep high school.

[Patrick Johnson]

I know you had an iep, brother. They just did it behind your back.

[Mike]

All right, bro, you have a good one.

[Hassan]

Hold it down, brother.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Patrick Johnson]

It was going to the meetings behind us back. What we gonna do with them?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

Let's just make him feel like he in regular classes.

[Hassan]

Yeah, he probably wasn't even in the military. For real?

[Mike]

No real.

[Hassan]

They going to wrap round when I rap round when I rap rounds.

[Mike]

Just yapping.

[Patrick Johnson]

Johnny, she didn't have no problem.

[Hassan]

That wasn't. Yeah, that wasn't your problem? No, that was like literally my man works too hard.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Hassan]

Hello. How you doing?

[Mike]

Hello, hello.

[Caller 2]

Yo, what's the deal?

[Caller 3]

What up?

[Patrick Johnson]

Welcome to Crash Homies podcast, bro. We here with Hasan, Mike and Patrick Johnson.

[Mike]

You said my last name. Bleep that out. Hurrah.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's so dumb.

[Caller 2]

For150 episodes we know your last.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, that was you that said it.

[Mike]

What's my last name then? Don't. How you say my last name? Exactly, dumbass. That's not how you say my last name. All right, go ahead, ask him the question.

[Hassan]

Okay. Boom. So what is your dilemma?

[Caller 2]

Oh, I want to stop with this girl, but I work with her. That's really problematic.

[Hassan]

Quit your job. Oh, no. Actually no better idea. Get her fired.

[Mike]

You saw what the other dude did to the chase lady. Is she. Is she like a higher up up?

[Caller 2]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Patrick Johnson]

She so no bag.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, she ain't no. Yeah. I mean, no seniority over money. No, not at all. I've been there 10 years. But she ain't got no kids, so she just always want to kick it with you.

[Patrick Johnson]

You been at that job 10 years? What job you been at for 10 years?

[Caller 2]

I work for the government.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Mike]

So why don't you want her?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, you said what?

[Mike]

So why don't you want her?

[Patrick Johnson]

I don't know, bro.

[Rich]

She just be doing too much.

[Caller 2]

I used to with another girl at the job and she always be tripping about me talking to this girl.

[Hassan]

Bro.

[Mike]

What are you doing right now?

[Rich]

I'm outside.

[Hassan]

Why?

[Patrick Johnson]

Why go inside, bro? Pause.

[Caller 2]

That was wild.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, what's wild is your connection.

[Caller 2]

Oh, okay. All right, I'm back.

[Patrick Johnson]

But yeah, okay, so so basically you got. You had sex with two girls at the job, and now you mad at them for being on your ass.

[Caller 2]

Oh, I'm not mad at anybody. I'm annoyed.

[Patrick Johnson]

Same. Okay, yeah, that's why you can't.

[Caller 2]

In a workplace, a work event like two months ago, and people started drinking and started getting feely and these almost

[Caller 3]

fought and I like, oh, see, that's your problem, bro.

[Patrick Johnson]

That be them dudes problem, bro. You think you can have sex with two women. You think you have sex with two women at a job and then they don't feel no way about it. And then every cuz, every girl want to the 10 year been here 10 years.

[Hassan]

Like the senior talking to pressure

[Rich]

walking

[Patrick Johnson]

myth around that this is a legend. You the legend oracle, man. They use him for every example. And tell y', all, we don't play around here. Ain't that right?

[Mike]

Oh, that was his real name.

[Hassan]

No way.

[Rich]

Oh,

[Patrick Johnson]

it's just one first name. It's a normal ass name. He got to bleep his name. Standard ass name.

[Caller 2]

Every time I be on y', all, every time I make the pod, they

[Mike]

be calling my ass like.

[Caller 2]

We heard you again, bro.

[Mike]

Just stop, bro.

[Hassan]

This guy. This guy's a serial caller.

[Mike]

I guess he's a regular.

[Patrick Johnson]

We won't be knowing.

[Hassan]

This guy has bare dilemmas.

[Mike]

All right, bro. You have a good one, bro.

[Caller 3]

All right, man.

[Patrick Johnson]

Now you got hella dilemmas.

[Rich]

Yo, yo, yo, yo. What's good?

[Caller 1]

Can y' all hear me?

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, we can hear you, bro. What's the word?

[Rich]

What's the word, y'? All? So what, you just me rant about this? Simple it is. So put it like this. For the last 10 years, basically, we've told men, you know, open up, talk more, be vulnerable, go to therapy, express yourself. Cool. But what actually happens when a man does it? Because a lot of men will tell you exactly what will happen. The room got quiet. People will look at them different. The respect changes, the attraction changes. And worse, the very thing that. That we trust society with becomes ammunition later.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay?

[Rich]

You know, I think the men are getting mixed signals. We're told that vulnerability is strength. But a lot of us have learned that vulnerability is a risk. And those are two very different lessons. You get what I'm saying?

[Patrick Johnson]

Is this Something you experience or.

[Rich]

Well, yeah, so I actually work in the mental health field. I'm a therapist. I work with kids. I work in the community a lot. If you look at my page, I

[Patrick Johnson]

don't know what you.

[Rich]

Are you talking about me specifically?

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Rich]

Oh, bro. This is my entire life. Like, I grew up in a foster care system, so my entire life has been be vulnerable to the people and, you know, love and show support. But then when the time comes around, people throw that at me. You know, I'm telling them where I was weak, where I made these mistakes earlier on in life, and then they criticize me for it. You know, people tell me, you know, they told me earlier on that I needed to communicate. You know, tell people what I was scared of, tell people what I was depressed about, tell people when I didn't feel enough, when I was struggling financially, those type of things. Right. But when I did that, that, it was thrown in my face. People laughed at me. Oh, you broke ass. This. Oh, this sad ass. You know, you're depressed. Like, you. Y' all know how it be.

[Mike]

I get what you're saying because I've been on this podcast and been vulnerable with my life in a sense where I've gone through therapy. I still go to therapy at least once. I don't go as much as anymore, but the people I tell that to, that's never really gotten like. Like thrown in my face or like somebody taking advantage of. And I. I think that might be a testament to the circle you keep around you because, like, the things you're saying, I feel like it's. You're being open to people that you might not need to be open to. And you, obviously, you're a therapist, so you'll know a lot more than. Than me, but how would you respond to in that sense that you green.

[Patrick Johnson]

You green as fuck, as far as. You know what I mean? Like, is this. It's still not happening to you though, right?

[Rich]

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is so. So at the time point in life, as I've grown up, yeah, a lot of these things have happened, but today in life, I'm doing a lot better. I'm understanding, you know, it is about who you keep around you. It is who you present yourself to, but also understanding that not everybody is going to be acceptable to vulnerability. And that's just. That's just kind of life.

[Patrick Johnson]

All right, Be vulnerable with us. What's something you going through, bro?

[Rich]

We got you currently right now. I just got done wrapping up a case. It took me A minute to deal with. I was under a lot of scrutiny. My reputation was. My reputation was. Was trying to be. They were trying to tear it apart, for better or less words. But through that time point, I lost my job, lost my house, lost my car.

[Patrick Johnson]

Through a case.

[Rich]

I was. I was fighting the case.

[Patrick Johnson]

What kind of case?

[Rich]

I worked with kids.

[Patrick Johnson]

That. You lost everything.

[Rich]

I worked with kids. I work with kids. So during that time point of me fighting this case with these kids, when my name goes on these. One of these registries, I can't do anything. Can't work, can't do anything because they label me a public menace. Right. So I had to go fight this case to prove to people that I wasn't a monster, which I shouldn't have had to prove to people that I wasn't. You know what I'm saying?

[Hassan]

Right.

[Patrick Johnson]

That case is over with.

[Rich]

Yeah, that case, I actually closed it yesterday. I got the notification this morning that I was all good to go off the registry, so that's the blessing. Listen.

[Caller 2]

Hello. You army?

[Hassan]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It got kind of dark.

[Rich]

No, listen. But it don't have to be that dark. Like, you could.

[Caller 2]

I'm.

[Rich]

My name is Rich R I C H E really inspiring change and healing everywhere. Like, I use my story as a motivation always. That's kind of why, when I saw what y' all posted, I said what I said, because it's not really. That's not really just for me. It's for everybody.

[Mike]

No, he's proving the point of him being vulnerable. And now you're laughing.

[Hassan]

I'm not laughing, man.

[Rich]

Laughing.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, no, no, no, no. Congratulations.

[Mike]

You want to be honest, to be, like, for real. For real. Anything that involves, like. Like being on the registry, it's a little, like, a touchy subject.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So we're trying to like, figure out, like, obviously, you. You're. You're innocent, right?

[Hassan]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

You're off the list, and.

[Rich]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

And that's, you know, to do your due process. And it's just like, the. The way to get on the list was kind of like, like, well, no, I don't want to get.

[Rich]

I don't want to get working with you.

[Mike]

I don't want to get in your business. No, it's just, like, how do you.

[Rich]

Listen, I. I don't mind because the situation was I didn't do anything. Right. So the situation was. You don't have to

[Mike]

actually.

[Rich]

No, no. It's something I can share. It's appropriate.

[Patrick Johnson]

It's appropriate.

[Rich]

Okay. The child said that I smashed his hand in the door. The camera footage did not show. The camera footage could not say that I didn't do it. So the state had to rule in favor of the child. That was it.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, then what registry did you go on?

[Rich]

The. The Child Abuse and neglect registry. Because they registered me as a child.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay, okay, now I see.

[Rich]

I see, I see now.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, no, no, no. Okay.

[Rich]

Oh, man, I'm glad we can laugh about this.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Caller 1]

Holy.

[Patrick Johnson]

Hey, I'm like, I ain't never seen that get took off the list.

[Rich]

The child abuse and neglect register.

[Mike]

No, Child abuse and neglect is. Is terrible thing.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yes.

[Mike]

But what we thought.

[Rich]

Yes, it is.

[Mike]

What we thought was you on the sex registry.

[Hassan]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

So when you were saying.

[Rich]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Patrick Johnson]

I'm glad we cleared that up before we got off because that's. That's why I kind of got silent. That's why we got silent because we didn't know what to say. Cuz that's a very touchy subject where we thought that was going. So that makes sense why you were just.

[Caller 2]

So.

[Patrick Johnson]

Because you were talking about it powerfully and I. And I've never heard anybody.

[Mike]

Exactly. I've never liked. That's why I want to hear him through. Because it's like it has to be something that we're missing.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yes. Okay.

[Hassan]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Patrick Johnson]

Because that other list don't get took off that.

[Rich]

Oh yeah. Don't never come off that list.

[Mike]

I've heard of some cases where people even get on the other list and they're innocent, but it's still like put in a situation where that was even like, like presented. So it's like, it's still like iffy.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah. It's like it's people on that list that like peed in a public park at 2am when nobody was around and they on that list.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

As the, you know, with the same. As like that. The real offenders. And so it's just like. So when you first said that, that's why I like kind of bottled out the conversation and I was dying laughing because I never heard a getting off the list. Oh my God.

[Rich]

Yeah. That would be crazy. That would be nuts.

[Patrick Johnson]

Congratulations.

[Mike]

Your mental health. You got anything to promote?

[Rich]

Truthfully at this moment? No, because I just put out an album. That's all I got for you. Forgot an album just came out. It's called Just hear me out.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Rich]

Me telling my story.

[Patrick Johnson]

Take a vulnerable all the way around.

[Mike]

Make sure you start the. The song and make sure you in the song, you Say what's register?

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, yeah. I want you to start like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Rain coming down like miss. Let me make sure. Let me make sure. You know I'm not on that list.

[Rich]

Y' all get a chance, though. Check it out. Check out the album.

[Mike]

The kept making it worse when he kept saying, like, no, no, no, no. The reason is I work with kids, though. That's why I was like, whoa.

[Patrick Johnson]

When you asked him to tell the story. When you asked him to tell the story, I was like. All I heard was like, this little kid. I was like, nah.

[Mike]

All right.

[Caller 2]

I know.

[Rich]

That's what he said. Stop. He said, stop, stop, stop. He's like, you don't have to say. I said, no. It's appropriate. It's appropriate. I got you. It's good.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay, man.

[Caller 2]

All right.

[Mike]

Glad we let you tell your story, brother.

[Caller 2]

Well, I.

[Rich]

No, no, I don't have to tell another story.

[Hassan]

I'm good.

[Mike]

No, no. So we're glad you got. You got to tell your story.

[Rich]

Oh, okay. Well, I appreciate y' all hearing me out.

[Mike]

All right, brother. You have a good one.

[Caller 3]

You too.

[Rich]

Y' all be easy.

[Mike]

All right, Peace.

[Caller 3]

Yo, what's up, man?

[Mike]

What it do?

[Patrick Johnson]

What it do?

[Caller 3]

Chilling, man. How about yourselves?

[Mike]

Good. Pretty good. What's something you want to rant about?

[Caller 3]

I'm the type to, like, I guess, trick on women, but my homegirls expect me. Expect them to be the woman that I trick on. So I'm. I'm young. I'm 23 years old. You know, when I say about tricking, like, I'm not buying girls, like, diamond necklaces and stuff like that, but I'll be getting flowers every once in a while, and I'd be paying for food and stuff. The other day, I went to. I went out to eat one of my homegirls. Mind you, I paid every time we went. And that's one time I was joking around like, oh, so you're gonna pay for my food? And she made it a whole. A whole little scene in the restaurant. Did y' all watch a movie, Obsession?

[Mike]

No, not yet.

[Caller 3]

Okay, what is the scene? It's been a meme where she, like, gets up and she's like, no, no, no. I thought we were having nice. It was. It wasn't that exactly same kind of thing, but it damn near would have been if I didn't de. Escalate the situation, just pull my card out. So it's just like, you know.

[Mike]

Homegirl.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, my homegirl. Well, at the time, I did Want her to be a little bit more, but we not there anymore, so.

[Patrick Johnson]

So why. Why didn't y' all become more. It's because she wasn't interested.

[Caller 3]

Yes. And then as stuff went on, like, I realized it wouldn't have even worked with first places to the way. Honestly, that conversation really, like, blew me over the top with the fact that she wasn't trying to pay for the meal the one time.

[Caller 2]

It's not.

[Caller 3]

We want no fancy. We went to this one. This one Chinese restaurant, so it wasn't nothing wild. It was maybe like, 70 tab, something like that.

[Patrick Johnson]

What? Did you take her out often before this? Was this a thing where you pay for her dinner

[Caller 3]

at a point? It was pretty often. And then I started to die off.

[Patrick Johnson]

Because. Because she didn't show interest in you. And then you started. You stopped taking her out as much?

[Caller 3]

I started a new job, so I just really ain't had the time to take her out in the first place. But, you know, we could. We could chop it up to what she said for sure. Okay.

[Mike]

And how's your relationship status now? Or what is your relationship?

[Caller 1]

I'm.

[Caller 3]

I'm still single.

[Caller 2]

I'm not.

[Caller 3]

I'm, you know, trying to work on myself better myself. 2026, you know, 20, 20, 23. A little bit. You know, a little bit, but not. Not as much. Not as much as I was before.

[Patrick Johnson]

So since y'. All. Since y' all don't go out on dinners anymore, does she still hit you up? Are y' all still friends?

[Caller 3]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, she was one who hit me up. That's the thing. She was the one who hit me up the. When we went to go get Chinese food. Like, I ain't even text her first. And I'm like that. She was like, oh, we should go out, yada yada. And then we get there, and I'm expected to fail. I'm just like, you know.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, you wanted her to pay the whole thing?

[Caller 2]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Caller 3]

Honestly, like. Like I said, I was joking while I said it, because I knew I was gonna pay nonetheless. But then, like, she made it a problem. So it was just like, how we. How we get here and I don't be counting favors. I'm not excited to count favors. But when I say it one time in a joking manner and it's like a problem, I'm just like, all right, how.

[Mike]

Now I know what you mean. No, there's, like, the thing you joke about, and you kind of see, like, if you are being for real, this

[Caller 3]

where this could go back exactly.

[Mike]

I mean, you're going. Just go on cheaper dates. Economy is tough right now. Cheaper dates, less dates, maybe focus on yourself, Get a job. Really Advice.

[Patrick Johnson]

I don't know why.

[Mike]

I mean, I don't got. I don't get my. All figured out, but.

[Patrick Johnson]

But I know. But they. They know we not no hams, though. That's. That's. That's bare minimum. We might not have the best advice. We might not have the greatest analogies. But one thing. You're gonna leave. You not gonna get. Shut your ass. That's why she plays you. That's why she got you. That's why she ripped you off. That's what you do.

[Mike]

Nah, you're good, bro.

[Caller 3]

I appreciate y', all, man. Keep doing your thing. Oh, y'.

[Caller 2]

All.

[Caller 3]

Y' all popping real soon, so. I mean, you're already popping soon. Do your thing.

[Caller 2]

Damn.

[Patrick Johnson]

Double dick ride.

[Mike]

No, I appreciate you, bro.

[Patrick Johnson]

Appreciate you, bro.

[Rich]

Buddy.

[Caller 3]

Y.

[Mike]

Peace.

[Caller 1]

Yo, good morning, Patrick and my.

[Patrick Johnson]

Good morning. Good morning. Is it morning time where you at?

[Caller 1]

I got your ass. Yeah, I'm in New Jersey.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, it's not morning time now?

[Caller 1]

Never. Duh. I just woke up.

[Caller 3]

Oh.

[Caller 1]

Kind of.

[Patrick Johnson]

Wait.

[Hassan]

4:20.

[Mike]

Did you.

[Patrick Johnson]

Did you work today or something? Just a nap, man.

[Caller 1]

It was something.

[Caller 3]

All right.

[Mike]

I feel like I'm missing, like, some. Some cues here.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right. We got a question for you. We got a friend. We got a friend Hassan with us today. So if you're another voice.

[Hassan]

Hello. How you doing?

[Caller 1]

How are you? What's your name?

[Hassan]

Hassan.

[Caller 1]

Good to meet you.

[Hassan]

Pleasure to meet you. We got a question for you.

[Caller 1]

Oh, hey.

[Mike]

What's your dilemma?

[Caller 1]

My dilemma is the fact that I'm trying to move out with my man, and the fact that, you know, trying to be financially okay, not like, you know, stable, is on his mind right now. And, like, I understand that, but I

[Rich]

want to move out, though.

[Caller 1]

And I really know for a fact that we could do it. But it's just the fact that he's more focused on that than I am, which is crazy, though.

[Hassan]

Well, he's focused on getting, what? Bread?

[Rich]

More bread, I guess.

[Hassan]

What's wrong with that?

[Mike]

I'm trying to figure it out.

[Caller 1]

There's nothing really wrong with it. It's the fact that we are adamant about moving out and stuff, and we keep talking about it, and it was a time period where, like, I myself probably had it more than he did. And I'm like, I don't mind, you know, starting us up, but it seems like he'd rather both of us be it than one or the other, which seem like whatever. I'm trying to go.

[Hassan]

I see that, but I feel like most men, they want to. They. To make a. Like, moving in with somebody is a big leap of faith, you know? And as a man, you probably hope to have that just for years.

[Caller 2]

Probably for you.

[Hassan]

Probably for you.

[Mike]

Better for you.

[Patrick Johnson]

What are you actually complaining about? I'm confused.

[Caller 1]

No, it's more so in the sense of, like, something that I've been wanting to do for the past like, two years, in a sense.

[Patrick Johnson]

Where do you want to move out from? Like, where? Like, explain the situation.

[Hassan]

Are you at home?

[Caller 1]

America.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, you want to move out of. You want to move out of America?

[Caller 1]

Yeah. I'm not gonna state the exact place that he's been wanting to, like, move to.

[Patrick Johnson]

So basically, y' all want to move out. Y' all want to move out of the country together. And then he's starting to bust his ass so he can work hard to grind to go towards that. And then what's the problem?

[Caller 1]

The problem that is he's not on the same page as I am. Like, we could just up and do it. Other people have done it. I get, like. Some people get luckiest stuff. Whatever

[Patrick Johnson]

you need, just. Just. I think you just need to sit down and listen a little quick. I think he got this because there's no way. Because he trying to get more money, so he must know something else. Maybe you should sit down and listen to what he got to say about it.

[Hassan]

What do you do for work?

[Caller 1]

Amazon.

[Hassan]

And what does he do for it currently?

[Caller 1]

Amazon. But he's trying to switch jobs as well.

[Hassan]

Okay.

[Patrick Johnson]

I mean, we don't.

[Mike]

He might be moving too fast for him then.

[Hassan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And plus, like, I feel like if you move someplace else, you're gonna be like, holy, what the hells? What am I gonna do for work when I get there? You know, ain't no Amazon where y' all going?

[Caller 1]

Hey, chill, chill, chill, chill. Crying. Hold up because I missed y' all last show for Philly. Are y' all trying to, like, flop around, come back again?

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, we might be.

[Mike]

You might not be there, though. You might be out the country. Yeah, yeah.

[Caller 1]

You don't know. Anything is possible with me, y'. All.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay, okay. No, they probably still gonna be here.

[Mike]

By the way, she have a good.

[Caller 1]

No, cuz I gotta see y. I gotta see y' all live at least once.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

Gotta have.

[Mike]

We'll be back to Philly for sure, though.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, baby, I'LL be watching.

[Mike]

All right, you have a good one.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, Mike sent me this. You ready? Okay. Mike sent me this tweet of the week. If we're ever in a situation where we're both doing math in our heads, I'm just pretending it's all on you.

[Mike]

Nah, for sure. That's me.

[Hassan]

Wait, one more time. Read that one more time.

[Patrick Johnson]

If we're ever in a situation and we're both doing math in our heads, I'm just pretending it's all on you.

[Mike]

That happened to us because I forgot what we were trying to add. It was one of our friends that was making us do some math, and I just bowed out.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So I'm not gonna, like, struggle to do the math and get it wrong. It's like, it's okay.

[Hassan]

Oh, it is actual math. Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

I'm the math dude. Like, I. I love, like, numbers. Yeah. 960 plus 5. So, like, I love doing that in my head, and I like to see how quick I can do it. But in other situations, I've done that to him. Whereas, like, he's, like, the technical person. Like, if our rodecaster of our camera up, I'd be standing right behind this. Like, I'll be waiting. He'd be like, with the wires. And I'm like, yeah, what? So, like, Mike, throw that red wire right there. He'd be like, I already tried that. I'd be like, all right, so that's my little thought for the day. Go ahead and fix that. Then I hop on TikTok live time. I said, yeah, yeah. Hey, man, we working today.

[Mike]

Even yesterday, when the we did the first Toronto show, your foot accidentally hit the. The speaker, so our sound went away.

[Patrick Johnson]

Not my problem, bro.

[Hassan]

You just kept talking.

[Patrick Johnson]

My job is to entertain the technical difficulties. He got it.

[Caller 2]

Hey.

[Patrick Johnson]

Hey. Yeah. You look up. I got my shirt on.

[Hassan]

Have you guys ever done, like, an escape room together?

[Patrick Johnson]

We actually did.

[Mike]

I think we never done it with just us two. It's like, like, five, six other people.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So honestly, I took the back seat to a lot of the solving.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, no, no, no. We. We did one where we were both leaders. You're forgetting. I think it was my birthday or something.

[Mike]

Oh, yes, yes. But I feel like I. I don't know. I tap out after a while with escape room.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, Escape rooms.

[Mike]

Kind of. After a while, it's like, all right, bro, why am I trying to find out what year this person died in this little scripture right here? I don't know. You like escape rooms?

[Hassan]

No, no, no, no. I don't like it. Why am I paying to get trapped?

[Mike]

My first time in the escape room, right? I thought it was like, you in here, you're in here, like. Like, you can't escape type shit, right? And then. And we got there, and obviously I feel like when you see things with the lights on, it doesn't look as scary. And then it's like, oh, if you ever want to just tap out, you can just, like, you know, say something, and then we'll just let you out right here. I'm like, oh, that's it.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, that's not even the first one. The first one we ever went to. They told us we could use the bathroom. And I was like, no, we tried. If I got a. I got a.

[Hassan]

I'mma do it in the suitcase that we found. But we did.

[Mike]

We did do one.

[Hassan]

They're looking through the CC camera footage. They're like, oh, no, this guy going too far.

[Mike]

We did do escape Room. It's already on YouTube. But we did Escape Room, where it's like a haunted house escape room so they could tase you, drag you out, feed you like bugs and.

[Hassan]

Yeah, that is not an escape room.

[Mike]

Very immersive.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, immersive. They took Mike, and I don't know what the. They was going to.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Hassan]

They literally cloned him.

[Mike]

There's a video of the little gremlin doing, like, this to Pat's lip.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Like, touched his whole lip. But that's in a sensual way.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yes, it does. He tried to me, but I know he.

[Mike]

You.

[Patrick Johnson]

I was like, did you do this to my boy Mike? He said, worse.

[Hassan]

That's crazy.

[Patrick Johnson]

Now getting by the same dude. Definitely in the pod, bro. Oh, my God. Oh, this is. This is my favorite one. I got sent this tweet of the week by somebody and I told them I'm never giving them credit for sending me tweeted weeks.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay. Shout out to you, though, bro. It said vapes are training you to suck robot dick. Stay woke.

[Hassan]

Yeah, I gotta send that to my uncle, man. I gotta tell that. What to hear. I'm trying to get him to start vaping. And he's Jamaican as, so he's probably like, oh, okay, maybe I'll put this one down still.

[Patrick Johnson]

He would definitely put it down. Is crazy. No, I think that would stop a lot of people from smoking the vapes.

[Mike]

The homophobic people.

[Caller 2]

Yeah,

[Patrick Johnson]

the. Yeah, definitely the homophobic people. Stop smoking vapes. I'm not sucking nobody's dick. And then they gotta blow it out too it's like, oh, man.

[Mike]

There's gonna be a time where there is relationship ships with robots, though.

[Patrick Johnson]

They're already. It's already AI relationships there already robots. It's already people out here a vacuums. And you hear your neighbor getting at his vacuum again.

[Mike]

The. What is he. They got a clog vacuum again.

[Hassan]

He's just like, why do you have, like a premium subscription with Dyson?

[Patrick Johnson]

I need a new.

[Hassan]

You got a lifetime warranty? Yeah, it's the lifetime warranty, Right.

[Mike]

See him in line at Best Buy for the Dyson Dyson drop. And he's the only one in line not being the only one in line to the store opens with a chair out there.

[Patrick Johnson]

Now he'd be naked, laying on the ground. And wait till, you know, the floor cleaner ones.

[Mike]

And he let it run over. I gotta be like. To be like Robot Dominic Trees. Then.

[Hassan]

Wait, did you guys used to sit in, like, stand in line for like, shoe drops back?

[Mike]

Never really. I've never been like a. A super sneaker head like that.

[Patrick Johnson]

I think I did one for like a video game drop or something one time, but that was pretty much it. Or iPhone or something.

[Mike]

I think I did.

[Hassan]

I've never done it either, but I've seen the lines. Yeah. And those people need to be studied. I want to know what they do after they get into the line, you know, like. Or after they're done and they get what they want. Like, where does life go after that?

[Mike]

There's systems right now. Like, know you. You can pay. There's like, companies that have people that will stay in line for you now. So you pay them to stay in line. So it's like a whole business.

[Patrick Johnson]

Or buy the shoe for you.

[Mike]

Yeah, there's a whole business thing now. But I don't know. Cause obviously they don't have a day job. They can't.

[Caller 2]

They can't.

[Mike]

So it's like, are they making that much money off reselling shoes anymore? I don't know. I don't. I've never wanted anything that bad.

[Hassan]

There was a. There was a. There was. Because I think, like, there's a Travis Scott drop that happened recently. And it was in Toronto. And I just saw, like, a group of just men just fighting over a shoe. And the caption was hilarious because it said, middle aged. Y ends middle aged fighting over trash. Oh, my God.

[Patrick Johnson]

All right, last speed run through tweeter weeks. Then we gotta get to some listening callers to make sure you get some. To get something, man. All right. Y' all think a girl out of y' all league the whole time, her selling Kool Aid pickles.

[Mike]

Have you seen those things?

[Patrick Johnson]

No, that's crazy. You want to know what? You want to know a fact? And I guarantee you can't find it. You can't find one person eating the second pickle nobody makes, or the pineapple or whatever the it is. They never make it to the second one because that heart start tingling. They all go. Look at their faces. They all take two bites, and they put it back in and they shake their head because that left arm start going numb.

[Mike]

But they started limping because they lost the whole foot.

[Hassan]

No, bro.

[Patrick Johnson]

Hey, why does it sound like loose change in your shoes right now? Because all your toes fell off after that bite.

[Hassan]

Yeah, that's like instant type two.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Hassan]

Type two is like, okay, after, if you have the second one, you're done.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, you're cooked, bro.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh. I. It's just funny how they. Some people act like it's so exotic, too. I saw people, like, mixing the flavors, and we got that. That blueberry lime, like, different ass flavors for the same thing, bro. That's just so much sugar.

[Hassan]

I'm not going to lie to you, though. When I was in Florida,

[Patrick Johnson]

I'm not going to lie.

[Hassan]

When I was in Florida, I was. I. I was on the hunt for it. I was like, yo, we could do this. But then my. My bro was like, ah, you know what? This is. This is. So. This is. This is some science experiment.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, that's. No, it's definitely. It's definitely CIA.

[Mike]

No, definitely ici.

[Hassan]

It's giving the same energy as, like, the chair. Remember the. The crate challenge? Oh, yeah. Same energy as the crate challenge.

[Patrick Johnson]

I ain't seen no white people do that. I didn't.

[Mike]

I'm not gonna lie, though. If I. I were to accidentally bump into the Kool Aid pineapples, I might be enticed, but I would do it just purely for content reasons.

[Patrick Johnson]

I would literally take a bite. But I would kill everybody at the scene because, like, oh, my God, nobody. Like, none. And I would boo myself, too, because it's like, nobody needs to be doing this. We all need to leave. We bringing out a black community. You gotta understand why I'm doing this.

[Hassan]

Which flavor, though, would you go?

[Patrick Johnson]

That blueberry look good?

[Mike]

Oh, the blueberry.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I feel like fruit punch will already be kind of tart. Yes.

[Patrick Johnson]

I don't want fruit punch and pineapples.

[Hassan]

But isn't it crazy, like, because the. The contrast. Because they do the fruit punch one and you take the. You take the. They take the pineapple out and it's red. Like they've died completely.

[Patrick Johnson]

Hella red.

[Mike]

40

[Patrick Johnson]

into a fruit. Come on, bro.

[Mike]

Holy Kool Aid infused soup juice.

[Hassan]

Yeah. These guys are.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh. Especially because fruit is such, like a pineapple. It's already very, like, juicy ass fruit. Yeah. It's like, man.

[Hassan]

And I didn't know that they were mixing the Kool Aid with the pineapple juice. I thought it was just like, water. And they took like. Like, they. I thought they just took the Kool Aid juice. They made the Kool Aid and then they put in. But they took the pineapple juice and then from the pineapples and made the Kool Aid in there.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, I didn't know that either.

[Hassan]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, damn.

[Hassan]

It's marinated in there.

[Mike]

Oh, no, they chose, like, pineapple flavored. Whatever.

[Hassan]

Yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

Oh, so it's pineapple. Oh, man.

[Hassan]

So it's pineapple juice mixed with Kool Aid and the pineapple itself.

[Mike]

How many grams of sugar do we think is in those things?

[Hassan]

Oh, it's got to be like 3, 000, man.

[Patrick Johnson]

I think it's legit. Like 120.

[Mike]

120?

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mike]

That's low, bro. A Gatorade. A Gatorade, like a normal gator, I think got like 60 grams of sugar in it.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay.

[Hassan]

I think. And they're putting packets too.

[Mike]

And this is like.

[Patrick Johnson]

Okay, I think 800 there. 800. It's gonna be. No, it's gonna be crazy.

[Hassan]

Do the. Do the research in the. In the comment section. Let us know how it goes.

[Patrick Johnson]

Last point on that. The up part about it. That's the whole reason I brought it up, is it's the refreshment of the meal. Like the Kool Aid pineapple shit is the refreshment. The actual meal. If you look at it, it's like fruity pebble wings.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Patrick Johnson]

It's like fruity pebble wings and like some other shit. Like, it's like candy. Candy wings.

[Mike]

There's people, like, making plates too. Like. Like cereal. Like Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch like cake. But they're not bakers either.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, they're not bakers.

[Mike]

Just like a moose.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah. So it's like. That's the refreshment of it. So.

[Hassan]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Appetizer.

[Patrick Johnson]

The Special Olympics about to get, like, a big pool of entries.

[Mike]

That's crazy.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God.

[Hassan]

Just a surplus of a.

[Patrick Johnson]

Like, yo, man, D, we got a thousand new entries in 100 meter dash.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Patrick Johnson]

All these niggas missing their elbow. Last one. This tweet says three baby daddies is cool, but three babies by the same

[Mike]

girl by three baby daddies is cool, but. Yeah, I feel like if you got three kids by the same dude, that's like you. That's more. That's wholesome, though.

[Hassan]

That's wholesome.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, no, no, no.

[Hassan]

She's saying the opposite.

[Patrick Johnson]

Go. I can't do that. Like, you got three kids by the same dude, so that means.

[Hassan]

Oh, me as a guy entertaining a girl.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yes. This is you dating. You're dating the girl. So which. Which girl would you rather date is she got three kids. Ladies too. It could be flipped because I don't want y' all coming at my head. You get that person can have three kids about three different people or have three kids by the same person.

[Mike]

I still do with the three kids.

[Hassan]

Yeah, three kids, same person.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, three kids. No, I do three kids, three different people. Because more than likely you moved on for a reason. So, like, one of them gotta be dead, the other one gotta be in jail. Just good. I only gotta deal with one dude, one kid. But if it's one dude, three kids, you can call at any time. There's so many reasons.

[Mike]

But you're saying that as your scenario is like the one dead one in jail. That's like a very rare no.

[Patrick Johnson]

That's what it better be. Or I can make it happen. Don't worry, girl. You got one baby daddy. I'll fix it.

[Mike]

Anyway, appreciate you coming on the pod.

[Hassan]

Thank you guys for having me.

[Patrick Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Hassan]

You got live show activated. Toronto, we're here.

[Patrick Johnson]

No, your. Your show's coming up.

[Mike]

Let them know are the dates.

[Hassan]

Not even. They're not going live. But let's. No, we're basically. Yo, I'm doing the most legendary comedy tour ever. We're touc. Baltimore, Philly and a bunch of other cities. Toronto, we're doing the work in progress here. Six shows at the moment. We're going to sell them all out. We're going to add more, but get your tickets early. Hassanfieldslive.com and then anywhere else in America. Medea.

[Mike]

Yeah, live. I was like, medea Harar.

[Patrick Johnson]

Put his right here.

[Caller 2]

Boom.

[Mike]

All right, y', all, peace.